#anyway .... if you're kind and understanding and create a feeling of safety

[langernameohnebedeutung]

there's a lot of valid takes on why Gen Z is becoming radicalised at the rate they are - all that misinformation, tiktok, red pill, the pandemic - all have good points. But I think another factor is that even politically, their sense of normalcy is entirely different to the one of prior generations. The spiral of the last 15 years, the way the Overton window has moved, the change of style and tone in political discourse, the normalisation of anti-democratic ideas, the obsession with people's private lives, the topics that are front and centre during elections these days, the changing concept of the respect and dignity expected in a public office (god I sound like a boomer) - all of that was shocking to us.

the three generations of my family, all born and raised in VERY different time periods from one another, we've all just been equally shocked and horrified again and again these last 15 years - not just by what is happening but how it is happening and by what is possible and how easy it is to make a total mockery of the democracy and the rule of law. For all of us, that was a feeling of realising that something we implicitly trusted in to the point that it didn't need talking about ... just falling away. Or proving to always have been an illusion to begin with. To someone who grows up right now, this safety and security has NEVER existed.

But for these kids - the window of their life where they start becoming politically and culturally aware basically coincides with this downward spiral and I think that makes many of them blind or numb to it. I think for many of them, that's just their understanding of how things naturally progress and politics works. That the way previous generations evaluate the current situation - this framework of intentional manipulation and misinformation and radicalisation - is just fair and acceptable behaviour and that of course politicians manipulate the discourse to get what they want and of course it is normal to tell brazen lies and spread panic if that gets you what you want and if you're loyal to the party, you parrot those lines whether you really believe in them or not. (And let's be honest with ourselves - the seed to that has always been there)

And others, who I imagine intellectually know that things are going downhill, are really stuck in this extremely mind-numbing fatalist mindset (climate change is gonna kill us all anyway, haha) which makes you hopeless and desperate. And being hopeless and desperate also makes you vulnerable to all kinds of manipulation and radicalisation - because the offer you a perspective. Or meaning.

If you think about the trad-wife and redpill stuff or generally christian nationalism but also any movement that instrumentalises history with ideological narratives, you notice that their narratives place periods of stability way back in time in periods that match aspects of their idelogy e.g. their fetishisation of the 1950s. Then they come up with some horrible bad evil enemy that destroyed that paradise and created the 'degenerate' misery we live in now. Authoritarians and ideologues and cults have always done this. It's part of constructing the mutual enemy.

Beause this way, they can create their illusion of this kind of mythical, unreachable utopia (the past) that fascists love and attach all kinds of conditions to reaching that - with no pressure for them to ever actually deliver: women staying at home, racial segregation, christian hegemony, eugenics, absolute exclusion of gay and trans identities etc. This doesn't just have the benefit of pushing their politics on a confused youth (though that's a big benefit) - it also helps them hide from young people that these last 15 years, they literally created the chaos that these kids are living in. They sowed this situation and right now, with the radicalisation of the youth, they are reaping the rewards.

And the thing is, we can blame the Tiktok or whatever but I also think it is important that we let younger people know and feel that what's happening right now - is just not normal and not sustainable.

And yes, we need to let go of the naive illusion that "the kid are going to save the world". We should never have had that. But I also don't think a radical heel-turn vilifying all of Gen Z is going to help anyone or do justice to the situation.

[winxanity-ii]

𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐓: 𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃

❘ prev. chapter ❘༻✦༺❘ next chapter ❘

Sorry, not an update, but I'll try to keep this short...

I just wanted to take a second to speak directly and honestly with y'all after posting that last chapter (CHAPTER 42.5: WRATH WEARS MANY FACES). I've been seeing a few responses that, while valid in feeling, have also reminded me why I normally don't look at comments after publishing something heavy.

Let me be clear: I know this chapter was a lot. It was violent. It was cruel. It was painful. That was intentional.

This isn't fluff. This isn't comfort every chapter. This is a mythos-based story, rooted in ancient violence, power imbalance, and divine wrath.

I'm not here writing gore for fun or romanticizing harm—but I am writing a story where gods and mortals alike are capable of monstrous things, especially when they feel justified.

Chapter 42.5 was especially meant to remind you who Apollo, Hermes, and Telemachus really are—how close they sit to the divine cruelty of Olympus. I love them, yes. They're soft to MC, yes. But they are not soft to the world and those they deem unimportant/useless. That contrast is what makes their tenderness meaningful.

And I've hidden Hermes' darker side behind jokes long enough. Some of y'all forgot he's a god, and a trickster, and someone with centuries of blood under his belt. There's nothing squeaky clean about him.

If the chapter bothered you—I understand. It's not meant to sit easy. And for those of you who felt empathy for Melanion, or said this felt too much... I respect your reactions. Seriously. You're allowed to feel conflicted. That's what good storytelling should do.

But what isn't okay is the passive-aggressive commentary about my choices as a writer. I've been transparent from the beginning: this fic isn't some wholesome, "MC gets babied 24/7" kind of tale. It's a dark, myth-heavy journey with stakes and consequences. You don't get a kiss in Chapter 2 here. You had to wait because the world I'm building doesn't hand out softness that easily.

And I can't help but find it a bit hypocritical how some folks cheer for Andreia to die, but pity the man who murdered MC in cold blood. Y'all got mad at her for emotional cruelty, but want grace for someone who left them bleeding in an alley? We must not have grown up reading the same myths lol.

I'm not saying you can't critique or feel strongly. You're welcome to disagree. To feel things deeply. That's human. But don't twist the space/story I've created into something it was never meant to be. This isn't an Epic Musical fluff AU (hence the note of not needing to actually know about it). This is Olympus. This is blood-soaked marble. This is war, consequence, and love wrapped in power dynamics. I've made that plenty clear with me writing out the suitors carnage in chapter 6 instead of summarizing it.

And I say this with love but also honesty: if my content, tone, or direction rubs you the wrong way, it's okay to step away. Truly. I'll never beg anyone to read something outside their comfort zone.

Also—and this might be petty but I'm adding it here anyway—I'm even more annoyed because I had to spoil a big MC-related moment to my own sister. 😭

We promised to treat each other as authors, only editing each other's chapters once we’d both read them fully. That was the deal. But she noticed I was acting off and pushed me about it—kept asking what was wrong and finally told me to just rant before it ate me alive. So I did.

And man, I'm a damn blabbermouth because once I started venting, it all spilled out. Do you know how hard it was keeping a main plot twist from her? Only to have to reveal it because sister issues come first?? 😭💀

But yeah, back to being serious, this is my second serious fic, one where I'm trying to do something I can look back on and be like 'Xani, you ate that up fr.' And if that means I have to block people who threaten the joy or safety of my creative space?

Then so be it—rejection sensitivity or not.

That being said, I'm taking a real break from updating. I know I said I was taking a break after the last chapter, but the truth is, I was just trying to pace myself and stay ahead without losing momentum...but now I mean it—for real. I think I need an actual one to cool off and not spiral.

And yeah... maybe this rant feels a little intense or childish to some of y'all, but I needed to say it or I was just gonna end up doing something impulsive that I'd end up regretting later.

To those of you who do get it, who read carefully and trust the process—thank you. Deeply.

I'll see y'all soon 🖤

—Xani

Tag List: nerds4life246 ace-spades-1 uniquetravelerone alassal thesimppotato11 jackintheboxs-world kahlan170 akiqvq matchaabread danishland uselessmoonlight apad-ravya suckerforblondies jolixtreesunn dreamtheatre woncloudie byzantiumhollow kisskisskys b4ts1e sarcasticbitchsblog trashcannotbealive idkanyonealrr

[gilded-sunrays]

Hello there, I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your posts! This is actually my first time making a request, and I'm not sure if you're currently taking them, but I thought I’d ask anyway.

Would you be able to create a scenario or imagine something sweet involving sleeping with yoriichi? Nothing explicit, just something heartwarming would be great! No pressure if you’re not up for it, and take your time. Wishing you a wonderful day or night!

**I know I just asked this for Kokushibo but I can't help it, I'm in love with them both! If it's not possible to create both, that's totally okay I'm happy with whatever you come up with 😇😇

ᥫ᭡ Sleeping w/ Yoriichi

Pairings⌇Yoriichi × Reader insert [Yoriichi and Y/N are in a pre-established relationship, ie married]

A/N⌇Thank you so much for your kind words! And pff np! I hope you like it ^^

𖤐ˎˊ˗Masterlist

▪︎Yoriichi is deeply affectionate when he shares a bed with you.

▪︎ If you prefer otherwise, however, he is completely understanding, allowing you to rest in whatever manner is most comfortable for you. 

▪︎With his strong arms protectively wrapped around you against his chest, Yoriichi would make sure that you were in the safest hands while asleep.

▪︎He finds great comfort in having you nestled in his embrace, where he shielded you from all the harshness of this rule world within his warmth.   

▪︎Yoriichi's presence is as calm as the solitude between wide stars. His breaths are soft and quiet as a peaceful sky, and his movements are minimal.

▪︎Aside from his pleasant warmth, at times you can't even tell if he's even there—his presence is akin to that of the pillows you two shared.

▪︎Well, his is just as soft too..  

▪︎Given his incredible control over his body, Yoriichi can effortlessly adjust his body temperature to make sure you were warm on particularly chilly nights, as well as lowering it down when you feel overheated.

[Considering how many hashiras can already stop their hearts, their bleedings, and whatnot.] 

▪︎No threat could even dare attack you while you're asleep, for obvious reasons.Just as Tanjiro's father could detect a bear from a distance while asleep—Yoriichi senses would be far, far more heightened.

▪︎Sensing a threat in the middle of sleeping and taking care of it was as effortless as a leisurely stroll, although somewhat bothersome. 

▪︎Though you have no idea what Yoriichi would do to ensure your safety. For him, ensuring your protection was the bare minimum he could do.

▪︎In fact, he could even tell how many bugs or beetles are roaming around outside your house in his sleep, which he would make sure to take care of in the morning. 

▪︎Moreover, whenever you would experience a nightmare, Yoriichi would instantly sense your distress. He would draw you closer to him, cradling you against his chest while gently patting your head and caressing your back to comfort you.  

▪︎In more severe situations, such as when you experience sleep paralysis, he would promptly rouse you from it.

▪︎After ensuring you are awake, he would fetch you a glass of water and take the time to help you relax.

▪︎Your well-being is of top priority for him. Moreover, seeing you in distress would deeply sadden him, even though he maintains a stoic demeanour.    

[bluesgrxce]

Yandere Glamrock Animatronics Headcanons

Note: This was written back in 2022 so it's a bit outdated

Glamrock Freddy

Freddy honestly doesn't know why he loves you. Like, he literally shouldn't be able to romantically love somebody, it's not in his programming. But you've snuck past that somehow and made him absolutely smitten over you. Overwhelmingly so. And now that he is, all he wants is to keep you safe. 

Since you visit the Pizzaplex all the time, he's constantly worried that something is gonna happen to you. There's no telling what kind of danger you could run into, and you could easily get hurt... No, you will get hurt if there's no one to protect you. He has to become your personal body guard, he needs to follow you everywhere or you'll end up dead. It's for your own good. 

Thankfully, he wasn't following you without your permission. (In blunter terms, stalking.) He acted more like an innocent tour guide than anything, escorting you around the area and ensuring you wouldn't get lost. When you got too close to certain places and people, he would carefully direct your attention elsewhere. He would never fully explain why he did so afterwards. 

But it's hard to hate him. He treats you so kindly, praising you for every little thing and calling you his special superstar. Heck, you're even hesitant to tell him no when he offers to carry you in his stomach hatch, despite you not being a child and having no way of fitting in there. But he'll carry you around in other ways if he must! The closer you are, the better!

Unreasonable as that may be, Freddy isn't always that way. He understands that humans need space from time to time, so he'll let you go off on your own from time to time, just as long as you're not anywhere too dangerous and he can keep watch. (Low-key like how a parent would watch their kid at the park 💀) 

He understands that you have loved ones outside of him, as well. Admittedly, he does feel a pang of jealousy when you mention hanging out with other people, but he's concerned over your safety above all else. As long as these people aren't actively harming you, he won't try to meddle. Not too much anyway. ...He can't help himself sometimes. 

Freddy's just such a soft yandere. Even when finds someone who poses an actual threat, he'll still try to be polite with them. He doesn't want to upset you or create unneeded conflict, so he attempts to settle things civilly. But if that doesn't work, well... He's fine with getting a little more aggressive. But he'd try to avoid killing unless it was needed to protect you. 

Glamrock Chica (She's underrated as hell, can you guys start appreciating her more please?)

It's glaringly obvious that Chica doesn't have any concept of what portion control is. When she wants something, she wants all of it, all at once. And she won't let anybody stop her from taking it. Usually, the thing she's chasing after is food, but now you've become her new addiction. Surprisingly, it wouldn't be too bad at first. 

Chica comes off less as a creepy yandere and more like a perky, clingy best friend. She acts sickeningly sweet in order to gain your favor. She goes out of her way to bring you gifts from the prize counter, shares all of her snacks with you (some of them originating from the trash, but it's the thought that counts) and she acts like your personal cheerleader, bringing sunshine into the darkest parts of your life. She's the one you would least suspect. 

This innocent persona has allowed her to effectively make her way inside your heart, and now that she is, you're not gonna kick her out. She makes sure you're not wasting your time with anybody else by taking your hand and dragging you around the Pizzaplex, looking for a new way to excite you. "So! What should we do now, bestie?"

Whenever somebody tries to come between your quality time, her passive aggressive side shines through. The worst she'll do in front of you is say vaguely threatening things, but when you're not around... There may just be another scandal at Fazbear's Entertainment 🙈

That wouldn't be the only scandal. The more time you lose, the more she wants to make up for it. Which includes her trying to squeeze her way into every second of your life. If you're not careful, she might follow you home. ("Take me home with you!") She'll eventually find some way to disobey her coding and leave the Pizzaplex, just so she can give you a """surprise party""" once she shows up at your door. Or more realistically, outside your window. Even more realistically, raiding your fridge and garbage cans 💀

It's either that or she'll lock you up somewhere in the Pizzaplex. Actually, has anyone else heard that one theory that says Vanny uses Chica to kidnap kids? Whether that's true or not, she could still kidnap you almost exceptionally easily. She's an advanced, athletic animatronic that is likely better than you in every way, at least physically. So you're screwed.

In the end, Chica can never get enough of you. She'll eat all of your time, drink all of your affection, and steal whatever innocence you have left. She'll just take and take, because you're hers for the taking, aren't you?

Roxanne Wolf (Roxanne, Roxanne, all she wanna do is party all night, goddamn, Roxanne, never gonna love me but that's alright /lyr)

Many would say it's a mystery how Roxy went so head over heels for you. Her narcissistic exterior makes it seem impossible for her to care about anyone else, when really, she's just trying to make up for confidence she doesn't have. When you look at it from that perspective, it makes sense why she fell for you.

She's always wanted to have certain "perfect" qualities and you seem to embody all of them. She can't truly decide whether she loves or hates you for it- On one hand, you're living proof that it's possible to be "perfect." You're extraordinary in every way, at least in her eyes. On the other hand, ugh, why do you have to be so much better than her?! What's your deal?!

Despite the mental war going on in her head, she still feels the need to gain your approval. She'll see it as another race she has to win, and we know how much she hates to lose. She'll do anything to get your eyes on her. Impressed by keytar skills? She'll give you personal performances. Impressed by her racing skills? She'll take you on as many rides as you want. Impressed by her looks? She'll give you her OnlyFans password She'll work twice as hard to maintain her appearance, freaking out if she has even a smudge from some grubby kid wiping their hands on her. She has to be flawless in your presence or there's no point. 

Everybody, and I mean everybody is a rival to her. Her insecurity is so deep-rooted and she has no healthy coping mechanisms, so jealousy is common. She growls at people who get near and barks at them to back off. This alone is typically enough to keep others away, which is good or else she might pull a Bite of '87---

Roxy's desire to impress you gets worse by 1000% whenever you start getting closer with people other than her. That makes her feel like she's losing the race, and that's when she starts to get desperate. She'll want to stick by your side 24/7 so she can have every possible opportunity to flirt with you, and you can't say no. Hiding from her is impractical, too, given her keen sense of smell and ability to see through walls. You might as well accept it. She's just trying to squeeze that affection out of you, make you prove that you still love her deep inside. 

If that doesn't work, she'll start playing dirty. Similar to how she taunted Gregory in the game, she'll harrass anyone trying to steal you away by putting them down and raising herself up at the same time. To help convince herself she's good enough for you. "What, you think they would waste their time on you? You're nothing! Nothing compared to me!"

And if that doesn't work? Well it's time for the Bite of '22---

If you ever argue with her for being a piece of shit to your friends, she'll push the blame on you and act like you're the asshole. She'll strut away, pretending as if your disapproval doesn't bother her, as if she doesn't base her self esteem completely on your opinion of her. But she does. And the moment she's alone, she'll break down crying and hate herself even more for being a failure. If you can't love her, then surely nobody will. 

Roxy is simply unstable altogether. Don't drive her over the edge, as she barely holds herself back to begin with. The only one who could be worse is... 

Montgomery Gator

Yeah, it can't get much worse than this. Ever since Monty was first activated, he wanted to be the star of the show. The one who everybody adores. But he quickly found out that he'd always be overshadowed by somebody else. He was forced into the position of a background character, when he knew that he was destined for more. He should be the one in center stage, not anybody else. 

This main character syndrome carries over to his relationship with you. He figures that he can use you as a source of approval in the meantime. He can handle not being the star of the show (yet) as long as he's the star of your heart. 

And if he already is, then things could go surprisingly well. A lot of Monty's anger stems from the frustration of not feeling loved enough, so if you can supply him with enough intimacy, he might actually calm down a bit. He'll stop using his time being destructive in favor of spending time with you, which would be much appreciated by everyone. 

But don't get too comfy. You shouldn't expect much from someone like Monty. He's insanely paranoid that your love could be stolen away, so he acts controlling in order to prevent that. If he says you're not gonna hang out with that person, you're not gonna hang out with them. If he says you're gonna go somewhere with him, you're gonna go somewhere with him. And you have to act like you love every second or he'll be offended and yell at you. Not a good relationship to be in. 

And if you didn't reciprocate his feelings to begin with... You've just put everyone in the Pizzaplex at risk for death. He'll blow his fucking lid, throwing the biggest tantrum in his life and destroying everything he comes across. Tearing apart every human and bot that walks by- He doesn't discriminate. And he's so blinded by rage that he just might hurt you too. 

If he did, he wouldn't feel much remorse. He'd just use it as an example, saying that's what'll happen if you ever try to go to someone else. Because he's going to make you love him. He'll hurt you and everybody you care about if you don't. He already took down that stupid rabbit and that jerk bear is next- What's another life mean to him?

And together...

Never mind 💀 It got much worse than that 

So let's establish one simple fact first: None of them want to share. The one who's most pissed about it is Monty, who as we've learned, does NOT want to be treated like a background character. And having to share with his bandmates definitely makes him feel like that. He's going to be the most confrontational out of all of them and will jump at any chance to hurt the others, no matter how inconvenient it may be.

Roxy would do the same as Monty if she weren't smarter. Since Monty is always causing trouble, he's often locked away in his room and left in his own little version of time-out, which Roxy knows she can't afford. She has to make the most out of every second! The race to your heart is a lot more difficult when she's competing against her bandmates, so she's got to speed up or else she'll be left alone. And just the thought of that makes her want to sob. So she attempts to one-up everything the others do and paint herself in the highest light possible, desperately hoping that'll be enough to attract you. If not, she's got a ton of arguments she needs to get into...

Remember how I said Chica won't let anybody stop her from getting the things she wants? Yeah, that still applies. Doesn't matter if it's her bandmates or not, if she wants a piece, she's gonna get a piece! But she has to be more clever about the way she handles you. She's not about to get yelled at by Roxy or torn apart by Monty, so she'll find ways to sneak you away, even from Freddy's safe grasp. Or maybe she'll just kidnap you so she can keep you all to herself. Who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Freddy has changed the least. See, all this scenario does is confirm that he was right-- The Pizzaplex is a dangerous place for you to be in, and his very own friends are the ones making that true. It greatly upsets him, and yet, in a sick way... He's almost glad. Because you're too scared of the others always bickering with each other and harrassing you. This might be the best thing that's ever happened to him, because you run into his arms for protection. And he's more than willing to oblige. Just say the word, superstar. 

[eydi-andrius]

Fool Entire IV

warnings: verbal abuse, implied attempted r*pe, abuse of power, physical violence

Synopsis

If someone asked you who Prince Aemond was in your life, you probably would have said the love of your life.

Years have passed but still your heart yearns for him.

But you were no fool.

It was a lesson learned for you not to give your heart to a man who knows nothing but duty.

a/n: it's been a while huh? well it turns out i've already written chapters for this story and completely forgot about them. And yes, it was him with his slutty walk that made me check my WIPs for Aemond. 😂 Anyway! ENJOY! or I guess??? 🤺 It's also 3AM and I can't sleep. Augh!

Part III here.

🌿🌿🌿

"Then go." Simon replied nonchalantly.

"Did you even hear what I said?" You grimaced when he did not think twice giving you an answer to the questions you have been beating yourself to answer and choose from.

"I did." He said looking around.

"Then why did you recommend that I go back to court? You know how much I suffered." With a huff, you crossed your arms and glared at him.

"Little lady…. It is because, without a doubt, that you were born to be a noble lady. Tell me…how many times has someone been banished to a life full of riches for them to have an opportunity to go back without marrying? None." He also crossed his arms and glared back at you as he explained how his answer was the best one. He looks absolutely sure. And here you thought he would be the one to tell you not to.

"And based on your story, you were not going back as someone's fiance. I believe it is a win." He continued.

"How about my business then-"

"Nah uh. Once you become a noble lady again, you'll have more resources to use for it to grow. Think about it. Create your own wealth so if something happens and you were banished again, you'll have your own power. You will not go back to this slum. And your sister will be away from danger. Once an opportunity arises, you must seize it. Not everyone can get a second chance. Hear thy advice from a former mercenary. Seize it!" He squeezed his palm into fist and raised it in the air.

You can't help but chuckle on his antics and he bowed in front of you like an actor ending a play. Sometimes you cannot understand how he can act this way in a serious conversation.

"But I am serious, I won't be able to protect you always, especially now that I am having a child. I know how hard you thrive on your own and how much you have worked for you and your sister's life. However, we must know when to take chances when they show themselves. I admit that I worry about you. You are like a little sister of mine and I am saying this for your safety. Think about it." He gave a soft smile and tapped your nose.

In annoyance, you huffed and scrunched your face in disgust. How can an old man try to act adorable. He always does this when you look too serious and he usually follows the gesture with a…

"Alas! You're too young to worry too much about those things every time, so how about we move forward?" You can't help but roll your eyes. Simon will always be Simon. He is so predictable but you can always rely on his strength.

"Sister!" Your head snapped at the voice who called you and your eyes softened when you could see your sister sparkling with excitement at a fabric stall. The place looks dark for an afternoon. As if it was intentionally dimmed.

You smiled and went to her direction, followed closely by Simon.

"Look at it! The blue fabric glows in the dark!" She chirped and immediately showed you how beautifully the blue hue of the fabric looks, like the stars in the night. Glowing majestically from a gloomy night. It was gorgeous and you can't help but touch it. The fabric was soft, just like how you imagine clouds would feel, if you touch them. It is one of a kind and you can't help but be awed at how this cloth existed.

"Beautiful isn't it? The dye came from the ocean, while the fabric was loomed in a very certain way, making it so soft to the touch. You can only find that fabric available in our shop." The owner looks smug as he explains how they have gathered the needed materials for the said fabric. On how they made the cloth be so soft and how the dye looks so much alive, rather than just a glowing color at night.

"How much is it?" You asked, gulping nervously. Most of the time when owners introduce something this detailed the price will probably be something you can't afford.

You winced when he told you how much it was. The owner's face soured and shouted your party away as he saw how your face changed. He probably thought you and your sister were rich for having Simon around and also for having better clothing than the others in here. Of course, Simon did not back down without shouting his curses as well and calling the owner a bald bastard. You did your best to apologize but his mocking became too much and it was Simon who dragged you two away from the snobbish business man.

"Hah! That fabric is probably fake! That bald man really thought he could swindler us." Simon remarked bitterly as he copied how the business man introduced his product to you and your sister.

"Well, the fabric was truly beautiful and he seemed proud of it. It was our fault for not asking how much first. We wasted his time." You convinced him, but your tone still hurt by what happened.

"Oh don't start with that! That's the reason why you shouldn't be here at all. You become street smart, yes. But you still can't help putting logic on other people's bad behavior. If you know you're putting a new item for sale, you shouldn't treat your customers awfully for not being able to afford it. That was probably fake. Remember that." He rolled his eyes and walked in front of you and your sister with a frown. Your sister just giggled at you and you gave her a smile.

"I guess, we should continue and focus on our task at hand." With a deep breath, you opened the list of what you needed to buy and directed your company on what to do for today's leg work.

The afternoon sun was harsh as it beats you strolling around the market. Sweats build on your forehead and you can't help the amount of times you need to ask Simon for a break. You haggled, checked for new suppliers and searched the market for potential competitors like you always do to make sure you're top notch and following the trend. It helps a lot looking for new customers.

Once the shopping was done, you three decided to visit the brothel for refreshments. You'll just pay the girls there rather than here at the market.

However, there seems to be some sort of commotion. There were tons of people outside and you excused your way to see what was going on. You let out a horrified gasp when you saw bits of wood from broken tables and chairs. It was scattered everywhere. Looking around you saw the mistress, sitting in front of the door, dirtied and bruised. You ran towards the mistress and kneeled in front of her, asking her what happened. You helped to sit her on a chair that was brought out by one of the girls. She held her head. Her right cheek was swollen, eyes filled with fear. She looks pale too.

"Who did all of this!?" Simon yelled as he checked the damage and went inside the brothel.

Mysaria's business is protected not even by her connections but also by the Rouge Prince, Daemon Targaryen, so who in their right mind would do something so terrible and be bold.

"Are you feeling better?" You immediately handed over the goblet of water your sister brought to give to the mistress. You helped her tip over the cup and you told her to drink slowly. As you look closely, the red was starting to form like someone's hand, indicating that someone must have hurt her.

"You shouldn't be in here." Once she swallowed the water, she looked at you and grabbed your arm. Her eyes wide with worry.

"They're looking for you."

"Who?" Your heart beat faster and you can only think of someone who might be looking for you. His familiar back and silver hair flashes in your memory. Could it be possible that he found your connections with Mysaria already?

"They're back. The nobles who were looking for you to make you their slave." The horror in your face were visible and the fear you first felt about these people being Aemond were replaced with disgust and anger.

"How could they be so bold attacking Mysaria's place just to find a mere vanished lady?" You stood up and yelled. You can hear Simon and the other guards telling the outsiders to leave as they need to clean up the place.

"The Rouge Prince were removed as the head of the Night's Watch. He was banished by the King himself. And now, the position was empty. And those nobles with higher power acts like they own the place.

Is there really a time you could truly find peace?

"Go home. We can handle this. We did not say anything to them. The girls and I like you too much to let them find you. Go!" Before you can protest, one of the girls gives you two cloaks and pushes you away from the brothel. One of them dragged Simon out and she specifically told him to protect you on your way home.

The walk was quiet and tense. You can't help looking around you as you used another route to go home. The only time you stopped panicking was when Simon touched your shoulder and told you to breath. You did not realize you were holding on for a long time now. With worry, your sister called your name, held your hand and squeezed it to reassure you that you two will be safe.

While you do trust their words, it wasn't in your power to stop yourself from the trauma you suffered days after you were banished from the Red Keep.

You can't trust no one. Especially, the night guard's who known you to be Aemond's fiancé. You thought everyone liked you in court, that's why they were nice to you. But you were naive and only realized it a moment too late, when they were chasing you in the forest like a rabbit being hunted by wolves. They teased, cursed and insulted you as they do their best to locate you. They did not mention anything but you know they were planning to do some awful things to you. You were like a precious commodity that suddenly dropped in value and the fascination to have a taste of the person the Prince had, was an exotic opportunity for them.

You remembered the cold, your wet clothes from rain sticking on you like a second skin. Everything hurts and you were in pain but not a single thought about stopping from running crossed your mind. You cannot go home or else they will hurt your sister. So you did your best to get as far from home and lose them. You run before dawn and now you can see the sun peaking slowly above. You look behind you and you are sure you can't hear their voices anymore. You have to look for a way to go home now and get back. They probably got tired or maybe they got lost. But the most important thing was to meet your sister. You stepped towards a branch and the leaves gave way and you fell down towards a cliff. The area you stepped into had no land. It was a facade. Like a trap from nature. You did your best to shield your head from the impact and braced yourself as your body hit a tree. Your right arm was painful and your vision was spotted with black dots. Slowly, you don't know if it was because of the pain, hunger or exhaustion but your body succumbed to sleep but in your head, you forced yourself to stand up.

The moment you woke up, the smell of cooking meat woke you up. The fire crackles as it stirs the juicy part of the boar. It smells heavenly.

"Oh! Thank the Gods, you're awake. I thought my journey will be with me digging a grave for a dead body." The man wearing pleated armor and a sword looked at you, from his place sitting in front of the grilling meat.

You only widened your eyes and choked words as you panicked and did your best to move but failed as your body feels like it came from death.

"Woah! Woah! You don't have to worry. I am a stranger but I do not plan to hurt an injured lady. As you can see on my clothes, I am a mercenary and I'm on my way home to the capital when I saw you, almost dead in here. I gave you some medicine for the pain but it will take a while to work. I also bandaged the places I could. I don't have enough things so it is better for us to go to the capital once you are numb." He explained and as much as you do not trust him, he seems sincere to what he just said.

"Why are you in the middle of the forest, anyway?" He asked, curious and confused. He probably knew by now or at least for you, you think it was impossible for a lady to be alone in the forest but since he already checked your injuries, he knew you fought well.

You tried to swallow but there's no words coming out of your mouth. You looked at his container and he understood what you meant right away. He moved towards you and asked for your permission first before helping you out.

Once he tipped the body of his bottle, crisp water comforted your parched and wounded throat. It was heaven despite coughing a bit from the change of dry throat from cold water.

"Easy easy." He warned and you blinked in acknowledgement.

"I'm sorry. I was being chased by the night guards and ended here." You explained and his chill demeanor turned cold right away.

"Those bastards?" He asked. Voice gritty in anger.

"I can't believe they were trying to chase a girl to rape her. Did they not cut off all the cocks the past moon due to rape? Disgusting cows!" His forehead flexed in annoyance and veins started popping out from it. He looks angry, no, furious, as he yelled and cursed the golden cloaked protectors of the realm.

"Here drink this again. I hope this medicine works fast so we can leave here. I'm scared that those disgusting creatures will look for you again. They surely like being in power and abusing it. My darling almost fell victim of it so I promise that you can trust me." He looks serious and firm so all you did was nod and you did not hesitate to have his help.

You usually do not trust someone this fast anymore but there was something truthful and raw from his story. As if yours, even though a bit different, hit close to his experience.

And days after, you found out his name was Simon and her lover was once being taken advantage of those gold cloaked bastards.

He was seething as he told you what happened and you just stared at him the whole time. Somehow, you were grateful that the first one to help you can be a friend and an ally.

Years pass by and your friendship with Simon and his wife, flourished and you treat them like a family.

"Do not open your doors when you don't hear our secret knock. Also, make sure to make your place look like no one lives here. Stay at the back of the house near the other exit for the meantime and if you can live below for now. We are not sure if we can even trust your neighbors. I'll make sure to send food and the things you need." His grip on his sword tightened and you held his hand to stop him from hurting himself.

"I am grateful to be your friend, Simon. We will listen to you". You smiled unsure but you felt his tightened your hold for comfort and he breathed deeply.

"Be safe. I will make sure that they will not find you and the slums will vomit the likes of them. You are part of us now and we will protect you. "With a nod of understanding, Simon left and you and your sister were left by yourselves.

~~~~~

Simon kept his promise in taking care of the two of you as you laylow. You also got ahold of Mysaria and she told you to listen to Simon as she is too faraway to help. It seems like the blow of the fight between the Prince and the King kept Mysaria's power in question especially since she was asked to runaway with him. All she could do was say yes and do her best to appease the Rouge Prince to not kill and destroy her power that she established by herself.

Your sister did your best to entertain you and not mourn the hindrance that stopped your business. She had told you stories she heard, the things she learned and did her very best to take your mind off the worry. You were happy that she was doing her best and it did take your mind off the worry and you focused on learning more on how you can improve your business in Isolation.

However, it was way too peaceful. Sooner or later, something will go wrong. You just don't know when it will happen. So you pray. You pray to the Mother for protection. Hoping that she won't let her daughters of faith be harmed. Like she always has done for you for the past moons

[bogkeep]

it was always a strange dichotomy. every middle school classmate i had told me i'd be a millionaire when i grew up, a Famouse Artisté. it's easy enough to imagine as a teen, i suppose: skill equals fame equals money. i was doubtful about this prophecy, not because i wasn't confident in my ability to draw, but because it was hard to imagine a world where i'd be paid for it.

it was an ice breaker game at summer camp. horrible one, really - everyone in a group were given a character profile. now we had to imagine that it was the zombie apocalypse, and the helicopter to safety was two seats short and we had argue why we deserved a spot. the character i got was an asshole doctor of some kind. i don't remember if i argued my way into the helicopter or not, but i do remember the feeling that's been hanging over me my entire life - if the apocalypse happens right now, i have nothing to contribute.

there's something really painful about it. i have cultivated a skill for my whole life, i can make art and tell stories that are entirely unique to me, there is no way to get someone else to create in the exact same way i can, and yet - i've contributed more to capitalist society by sitting in an empty hotel reception for eight hours a day.

which made me develop anxiety, to boot.

i illustrated two children's books. they're some of my best work. the contract i signed was industry standard and the indie author who had hired me was incredibly kind... but even after stock sold out i had earnt little more than some pocket change.

in high school we had an outing to dig our own snow caves that we would spend the night in. in teams, thankfully. i have so little physical strength to speak of, most i could do to help was clear away the snow rubble and toss it outside. i know, i know, my classmates reassured me it was an important job to do, i was an invaluable member of the group, sure - but it's that feeling, you know?

what would my task be in the communist solarpunk commune?

a person cannot be useless. it's a human being. they just exist, no ifs and buts about it. one can only be useless in the eyes of an ableist, capitalist society that sees no value in being alive beyond production and profit.

sometimes i receive messages from internet strangers to tell me something i said - often several years ago - was helpful to them. maybe it was a throwaway comment on a forum. maybe it was replying to a question they could've googled the answer to. maybe it was an encouraging reply to someone's artwork. turns out it mattered to someone. huh.

of course you can learn new skills. i have learnt plenty over the years! i have also learnt that there are limitations to what i can do. that some of the obstacles i face are not in fact obstacles everyone faces. it's not that i can't break tasks into smaller steps, it's more that half of those steps are going to be "rinse your hands because you Touched a Thing and now you're going to have to touch Another Thing." i wonder if that's adding to my cognitive load or something.

i was never raised to be a man, so by all accounts i do not understand why i'm so haunted by the spectre of toxic masculinity - what would i do if i was a medieval peasant and a war broke out? what if i was in a pre-historic hunter gatherer society and i was expected to hunt? what if i was a humble farm boy discovering the sword of the chosen one and the world depended on my non-existing courage to face certain death?

look, it's stupid. these are not scenarios i will find myself in. besides, pre-historic humans depended on community and taking care of each other. that's how we survive.

i'm not useless and i decided to make peace with being useless anyway.

we're surrounded by digital clocks. we can't really escape them. do we need watchmakers? would they save me a spot in the zombie apocalypse helicopter? no, don't answer that. i'm just happy i found something that requires a light touch and an observant eye.

[worth-this-and-more]

Sarah Griffiths: a character study because people aren't talking about her enough and im so disappointed yall pt.1

[spoilers for legendborn and bloodmarked, read at your own caution ;)]

first and foremost, Sarah Griffiths has been my fav character since like forever and I haven't been able to talk about her very much, sincerely sorry, but nvm this post is for her anyway

she is the third person from legendborn that bree met after nick and sel I hope this is some kind of foreshadowing because I want more sar content but okay I'm just grasping fallen marbles atp lool and I feel like a lot of people overlook her. which is understandable because she didn't have a lot of screentime but her time was really important too, so here's my rant about my fav sar moments + character study + fangirling

her introduction was quite normal and formal, and even i could not imagine her fighting the shadowborns, understandably so because this "pixie-like girl in a flowy dress" doesn't really seem fierce enough, or does she??

sar definitely surprised me specifically in this scene:

while everyone is heavily confused but still alert on their jobs, sar made sure to place bree to safety, without giving any unnecessary lecture about "oh page matthews tf were you thinking why arent you back to the lodge??" she really knows how to keep her cool, and her action and reaction are almost similar to what I expect wlliam or greer would do

next fav sar moment was when she defended bree from sel at the infirmary:

sel is right in his place to suspect bree, it's his job to see the safety of the order, and he is angry af. we all know our merlin boy is scary af when angry because as russ so eloquently stated "you're never sure if it's safe to talk shit about him behind his back" and that's true anyway, but like sar really defended bree even when she did not know her, because she trusted nick's judgment and has already accepted bree as their own.

i feel like this is a very important factor in all the characters, especially sar, as I'll discuss further

next, this one:

she noticed bree was shaken from this encounter, because for her bree is a onceborn who had the unfortunate luck of experiencing a shadowborn attack and see so many injuries real time, while being attacked by an uchel as well. she offered to drive her home and walked her to her dorm, a girl's girl through and through. ik it seems like the barest minimum but I will still appreciate it because let's be real, everybody was stressed, who else would've offered to take bree back to her dorm safely?? nick is injured, william is busy, sel is busy trynna kill her, evan is injured, and the others are still processing the day. this small gesture seems insignificant but really shows sar's mindfulness and makes me fall for her harder and harder each time

this car ride is where we find out that she is a victim of racism as well:

which creates multiple questions. she definitely knows tor is racist, and I wont be surprised if tor has herself made racist remarks on sar as well but just keeps it quiet in front of her?? sar must definitely hear tor's remarks about others, especially bree. she stays because she loves tor, as we've seen here:

but there's definitely some kind of resentment towards tor that develops further in the story. how did she end up with tor anyway?? like after tor's "rebellious phase", is she really just in love and trying desperately to ignore all the red flags or is there some other story??

also her devotion to the order?? i love it. the order ain't shit, we know that, but the definite loyalty that sar has towards the order, it doesn't seem like much but I admire that grit so much. she was raised for service, but she chose to stay and serve even knowing all the risks. bree is the first of her family, but sar definitely has her own stories to be known.

again, my fav sar moment:

no explanation needed lmaoo sel doubted his own demon side for a sec haha

sar keeps tor in check around bree, because she knows tor hates bree's guts, and as we see here:

sar definitely calls the shots. im pretty sure that everytime tor finds something to bitch about, sar gives her the deadliest side eye ever because the kindest ones are the deadliest ones always. and whenever bree calls tor out for her behavior tor goes crying to her gf because sar is the only one who tolerates her lool

and finally, the most precious sar moment in legendborn:

everyone is in love with sel because he was the first one to kneel for bree, but we are kinda forgetting that sar was the second one to kneel. she has already accepted bree as a part of legendborn, and did not hesitate to pledge her loyalty to bree. this is the most iconic sar moment I love because she is loyal to the order, to bree, and to her service.

this is what i mean when i say I love sar, there is so much story behind this one girl and I really really wanna know her. i hope she has more moments in oathbound because her loyalty is fierce and I'm pretty sure she will join alice and william too if this gang forms

bloodmarked will be discussed in pt.2 hehe I think this much is enough for today lool

[burningdreambanana]

My problem with Alicent Hightower on HOTD

I'm team green but I have to admit I have a hard time with show Alicent and I honestly think it's because she's just not a well-written character. I mean I was rewatching HOTD and sometimes she doesn't like her own character, but more a foil to Rhaenyra. It also feels like she's the product of different writers who had different ideas about who she should be and never really agreed.

First of all, I think that Alicent's support for Rhaenyra as heir should have been changed the minute Aegon was born, as he immediately became a dangerous challenge that Rhaenyra would be forced to deal with. The show treats this issue as if it's a 20th succession story about who's going to take daddy's place as CEO or whatever but it's not, for Alicent to be so chill about it and act like Otto is making stuff up without basis is just wrong and anachronistic.

Secondly the reason Alicent turns against Rhaenyra feels weird and contrived to me. Like I can understand her being upset that Rhaenyra semi-lied about her sex life (not even a full lie since Alicent doesn't know she lied about not going to a brothel with Daemon but she did imply she was a virgin which wasn't true) and not wanting to talk to her anymore but to declare war???? And suddenly in ep6 she despises Rhaenyra and thinks she's going to kill her sons. Idk that's kind wild to me that she went there from a semi-lie, but was still ride or die for Rhaenyra after her son was born and Rhaenyra gave her the cold shoulder for years. I know there's been a time skip but it's not an excuse not to explain why a character became the way they are.

Thirdly, Alicent from ep8-9 feels like a completely different character than in ep6-7 and it's not explained by any logical turn of events. At the end of ep7, Alicent had the confirmation that Rhaenyra and Viserys couldn't care less about her children, Rhaenya saw her little brother maimed for life and asked that he be "sharply questioned" (which btw is supposed to be a medieval euphemism for torture), she lets people believed she murdered Laenor to create fear and married Daemon, who despises Otto. In ep8 they show up at court after 6 years of absence, accuse her of poisoning Viserys (when she's the one who stayed to take care of him), and make Viserys drag his dying corpse to the throne room so he could solve issues created by Rhaenyra's own stupid mistakes. Daemon proceeds to murder Vaemond without a warning or a trial for saying the exact same thing that Alicent, Aemond and Aegon have said many times. Logically, Alicent should be terrified and more determined than ever to put Aegon on the throne for her family's safety. But no, Rhaenyra makes a half-assed apology that doesn't even acknowledges Aemond's eye, doesn't involve a genuine gesture towards her brothers to show that she will keep them safe and Alicent is like you know? you're forgiven ! What I am angry about anyway? You'll make a great queen ! Like what happened? And then because the war still has to happen with the stupid misunderstanding that makes Alicent look really delusional and stupid. Also in ep6 and even at the beginning of ep8 she was plotting to put Aegon on the throne so why is she out of the loop at the Green council? It's just sad, no one has respect for the poor lady except maybe her sons and Cole. Anyway I think her character deserved way better. Personnally I would have keep the safety of her children as her motivation but also a more personal act where she realizes she spent her life catering to Viserys and Rhaenyra who walked all over her and gave her nothing in return, and decided to put Aegon on the throne to finally be free and have power through him.

[triggerhappyhavac-academy]

To: Kiyotaka Ishimaru, the Ultimate Moral Compass

From: Shinju "S.C." Chigira, the Ultimate Socialite

CONFIDENTIAL. FOR THE RECIPIENT'S EYES ONLY.

Dear Ishimaru,

I am writing to you in private to make my intentions clear, and ask you to cooperate with me. As I've said, my only desire is to keep everyone alive. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have decided to place my trust in you, as you're the most qualified person to aid me in protecting everyone. You're the de facto leader it seems, and I know you keep the interests of the group in mind as well. You're a young man of pure heart and a passion that serves as a shining beacon for your peers.

So that is why, I have a selfish request to make. I ask you to guide them to the right path, on my behalf. Get as many of the students on your side as you can. I'm aware that some of them are more... strong-willed than others. But the only way we can ensure their safety is by making them fall in line. A divide in the group could prove lethal. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, after all.

I realize how this must sound. Much like you, I want to believe that they'll make the correct decision on their own volition, but that's not always the case. Some might need a gentle nudge in the right direction. Something to make them see reason. Whatever is necessary.

Even if you decide not to work with me, know that you'll still have my utmost faith. And please remember not to lose yourself, Ishimaru.

With kind regards,

S.C.

P.S.: If you do decide to implement a system of your own, I do have some specific ideas in mind. In case you ever want my input, I'll be happy to provide. And one more thing... Treat the night time rule as sacred. Never EVER break it. Stay safe.

Do not worry, Shinju! To ensure confidentiality I have left to my room without allowing this to be seen by anyone else's eyes!

I have read through your request thoroughly and made a decision!

I will do everything in my power to get everyone on board and keep them on our side! You can count on me!

I understand where your concern is coming from, I hold the same worries.

But with your assistance I believe we can all get out of here alive!

And in order to ensure we are completely on the same page, I will fill you in on the current situation!

We have already come up with a list of rules that will ensure our safety, I did my best to be thorough in coming up with rules that would maintain our safety.

However, any further suggestions from you can be implemented if you chose to offer any!

We came to an agreement on a night gaurd system that ensures the safety of both the students asleep and awake.

Er, mostly an agreement. Celestia is the only one who disagreed, stating she isn't willing to miss out on sleep any nights.

We also devided tasks as you suggested, however that caused another issue as Hifumi decided he was unfit for menial labor such as that, and was unwilling to negotiate.

Those are certainly concerns of mine, however what I most worry about is Kyoko. She has a great disregard for the rules put in place, and when implementing the buddy system she chose to be the only without a partner. That was reasonable, as we don't have enough people for everyone to have a partner anyway, however now that Toko has left, her previous partner is left without one and Kyoko refuses to take hers.

Of course, we'd made due by temporarily creating a group of three, but it's less than ideal.

If we had Byakuya and Toko involved, along with Kyoko participating, everyone could have a partner. I feel it may be most important to recruit Byakuya and Toko first, before trying to reason with Kyoko.

I'm hoping to hear back from you soon with any advice, but do not worry as I know of ways to manage these myself as well.

Like I said! You can count on me to make sure no one here dies! With my dedication, I will ensure not a single student will end up dead!

[a-s-levynn]

Okay so let's make this post the official start of my 'sleep token stuff' tag for lore ideas and thought exercises and analyses and everything alike.

Originally this went under a wonderful lore discussion post but my addition went off rails and honestly i just wanted this on it's own for me to find it easier later so feel free to ignore it altogether. It's no secret that my probably all time favourite ST song is Higher and no small part of it is the refrain.

This is mostly an in-lore thingie i guess but all of this has a purely human, self reflective read as well but i don't have the mental energy at the moment to expand on that side as well but maybe one day. But the jist of it would be that if you replace Sleep with thoughts or feelings or the "other you" you always promise shit to it makes sense in a whole different very much human level as well. At least it makes sense for me. Maybe i'm just being stupid again.

Anyway here is my short thought exercise on the refrain of Higher. These lines specifically:

With all that you believe You still refuse to shelter me

'Cause I am a danger and you're 

A long way from home you are one among many 

But you're now on your own 

And I hate the way you look at 

Me when I am not understood 

'Cause you can remember only 

When you're alone I am granting you more than 

The debt that I owe

I think this is such a two ways text because it can be read from the viewpoint of Vessel but also Sleep's. Or both at the same time. At least for me. Maybe it's just me having a brainfry again but here is my thought process on it:

"With all that you believe You still refuse to shelter me" - They both belive the other is what they need. But on Vessel's part he might feel like Sleep does not gives him what he thinks he want's or needs. On Sleep's part, Vessel might not accepted Sleep in a way Sleep wanted or doesn't go exactly the way about things as Sleep expected at first. So in neither case a "shelter" is created. Not in a way originally imagined. It may and probably did happen anyway just not how it was originally expected by either of them. Because they want kind of the same but in wastly different ways. Sleep needs the safety of having followers, to be knkwn, to be strong again, to be worshipped. Vessel want's something that a human consideres a safe place. So they want the same but not the same. And the human and divine understanding cannot be aligned perfectly. But they try. Doesn't always work, especially on Vessel's end but they still believe the other can do what they agreed on but doubt is there in the corner because it doesn't happen the originally expected way. But they do believe in the other.

"I am a danger" - on Sleep's part it's fairly obvious with the whole ancient being stick. On Vessel's part tho.. he is a danger because the human element always has some unpredictibility to it. It could bring some unforseen sideffects to Sleep's plans and who knows how much a once all powerful beeing handles not being in perfect control. Maybe the unknown is scary to Sleep in a way as well in this weakened state. And that gives an edge to Vessel, however small that may be.

"you're a long way from home you are one among many but you're now on your own" - on Vessel's part this could refer to him leaving behind his life, his home to follow Sleep's call. This includes friends, family, essentially transferring from being 'one among many' to 'being on your own' in an unknown situation. Or just simply being a lonely human being who is completely alone no matter how many people are around him because since Sleep came into his life, no one really understands him. I kinda like this second version because of a later line in this verse. On Sleep's part it very well may have been the case that there was or still is a larger pantheon somewhere beyond. And for reasons it shatterred, faded or just some clashing happend or whatever other reason, but Sleep ended up here alone, so much more close to the human world which is very much an unknown to a being that never really experienced humanity in this way but mayhaps only through worship before, from far far away.

"I hate the way you look at me when I am not understood" - on Sleep's part is just that as a deity, does not communicate in conventional ways and Vessel might not understand correctly what is expected of him at all times. On Vessel's part it can be twofold again. First when he asks, requests or says something of/from Sleep and it's misunderstood or not understood at all because divine-human comprehension can and probably has dissonances. Also it could refer to Sleeps disapproval or bafflement over Vessel being misunderstood by other people, let it be friends/family or the world in general. (This could very well tie into being alone among many. Being misunderstood.)

" 'Cause you can remember only when you're alone I am granting you more than the debt that I owe" - Sleep and Vessel are the only ones who can understand their situation as a whole. They are the only one's for each other, everyone else (even the other vessels -tho probably for a higher degree of understanding than others- can only try to comprehend what this connection entails. And it only goes beyond the strictness of the original pact formed, when the two are alone. They probably have a different bond because there is a deeper understandig, given Vessel is the main conduit. And if Sleep's power is channelled through him, he probably had glimpses into Sleep's thoughts and desires and more and vica versa and at some point decided they may give each other even more for some reason only fully know to them. We usually only focus on Vessel owing a debt to Sleep because Sleep raised him form the dark, the obscurity but there is also a debt on Sleep's side. Because without a vessel he can't achieve what he want's(followers) especially not to this magnitude and speed. And Vessel choosing to do Sleep's bidding and may even going beyond the initial agreement creates kind of a debt on Sleep's part as well. But these additional gifts and givings are only happening when there is only the two of them. It's theirs and no one else's.

Again if we assume Sleep is a metaphor or a kind of personification of certain human elements, than all this gets so phylosophical and taps into the human psyche in a way that is kind of delicious and definitely interesting. But not today or not by me.

And i'm still not sure where i wanted to go with this, it's more of an exploration of ideas sparked by lyrics in regards of lore and how lyrics can be read different ways maybe, than anything serious really.

[dioslesbianwife]

Hello, could I request a match up?

I don't mind the gender, from any part. I'm 17 about to turn 18, Aries, INFJ

My interests are art, fashion, and playing video games. I do enjoy watching Batman movies sometimes, or just watching anime or series and movies in general. I usually stay at home but going out is also really nice, just depends on how my social energy is at the moment.

My hobby is drawing, art in general is something I really like, and sometimes I fix some of my own clothes by sewing. I like reading from time to time for fun.

I'm a little timid at first but I can get comfortable, it just depends on the person I'm hanging out with and the energy/aura they give off , I'm just mostly an introvert.

I love spending time with people I like, and just talking and doing fun activities together. I'm kind of lazy once in a while though so staying at home, watching tv and eating dinner together is also something that is fun on the days I feel too lazy.

I'm not always a physical touch person especially when I'm overwhelmed, etc, but I'll try to tolerate it, but cuddling in the cold days is something I also enjoy.

About my personality it really depends on my mood and who I'm with, I can be very hyperactive and all, I can also be just chilling and stuff, idk how to put my personality in words, I'm kind of a naive young person, I can be a yapper or a listener, ngl I’m a little nerdy, but idk sometimes I feel like some people cannot understand me and I feel kind of lonely, that was something I experienced as a child and all but I'm now better at communicating and setting boundaries. Still something feels strange like some people say I’m avoidant.

But anyways thank you for reading, I hope I’m not oversharing TT. I don't mind if the match up is Romantic or Platonic, but, I really enjoy reading your headcanons btw! Love ya /platonic

Thank you for requesting! Honestly we’re lowkey personality twins lol. Anyway i hope you enjoy the matchup! I didn’t want to just match you with one person just in case you’re not a huge fan of them, so I did a few I think would get along with you. These can be taken either platonically or romantically I think.

Yoshikage Kira

Why He’s a Good Match: Despite his super dark secrets, Kira is a creature of routine and appreciates peaceful, low energy companionship. He would love quiet nights spent together watching movies or simply sitting in comfortable silence while you draw. Kira’s perfectionism would admire your artistic abilities and your attention to detail when sewing.

How He'd Treat You: Respectful of your introverted tendencies and boundaries, Kira is unlikely to overwhelm you with physical affection. He’s good at creating a sense of calm and safety in a relationship, which would help when you're feeling socially drained.

Diavolo and Doppio

Why They're a Good Match: Doppio, in particular, is warm and sweet, perfect for connecting with your more playful side. Diavolo would provide the stability and protection your avoidant tendencies sometimes seek. The balance between their dual personalities might help m atch your moods.

How They'd Treat You: Doppio would happily game with you, hyping up your artwork and joining you in lazy TV nights. Diavolo, although pretty intense, would support your creative ambitions by encouraging structure and discipline without suffocating your introverted nature.

Extra Options

Rohan Kishibe (not a villain, but still a good match imo)

His obsession with art would make him endlessly fascinated by your creative work. Rohan might come across as arrogant but would deeply respect your talent and unique vision.

Prosciutto

He’s calm, disciplined, and fairly refined, Prosciutto would appreciate your ability to be both social and introverted depending on your mood. He’d be the kind of partner to remind you to rest when you're overworking yourself and respect your personal space when needed.

[thebloomingheather]

hellooo!! I just wanted to drop by here ask a question about chapter 20 and just about the fic overall. Idk if anyone asked already so feel free to ignore it if you have answered it!

But usually whenever I wait for updates, i re-read the whole fic from the start, bc i like suffering and creating fake scenarios as i go :)) but i noticed a "pattern" and it had something to do with the number 7? 👀 idk if thats just me looking into it too deeply or its just coincidence.

But the first time was when eddie asked buck if he can come around 7 and buck says thats too early (i think, if i remember correctly.) The 2nd time is when buck schedule's an appntmnt with the lawyer and he says: "Seven's perfect."

And the last one is from the recent chapter: "Seven is perfect, truly. He means it."

Am I just delulu or there's meaning 👀 LOL

Anyways, sorry that was long but truly thank you for writing this fic and capturing very well buck's journey and his depression. Its really rare for me to find these kinds of fics that actually touch upon it quiet well and write it SO GOOD. Thank you!!

Hello! No worries, no one's asked about this particular rabbit hole before. When it comes to the number 7, I think there is a pattern but it's mostly due to logistical reasons? Such as the weather and the station's roster, so we can have certain scenes as they are.

For example, I wanted the appointment with the estate lawyer to be at 7AM because sunrise in LA is usually around the 6-7AM window so we could have that moment of Buck driving with the Jeep's top down.

For the bit where Eddie picks up the board games and his things from the loft at 7PM, it's implied they had a shift that started at 6AM. So if it's a 10-hour shift it ends at 4PM and if it's a 12-hour one it ends at 6PM, which basically means Eddie just gets his stuff the night of his request as to not delay things, mostly for Christopher's sake but also for him to have the privacy to apologise for cornerning Buck at the Wilsons' since he can't talk about the incident openly at the firehouse without causing drama.

I like having their shifts start at either 6, 9, or 12 be it AM or PM, whether it's a 10, 12, 24, or 48-hour one. Those are the most standard slots, granted they can request additional or lesser hours as well, though it's unlikely department policies will allow them to work more than 48 hours in one go for safety reasons. This typical roster is mainly for convenience and it's pretty realistic from what I gather from the show, since this way they can go home at a reasonable time to enjoy a 7AM breakfast or a 7PM dinner whilst off duty. It's how we're able to have dinner scenes with Eddie and Chris or the one with Maddie across video chat.

I welcome all speculations no matter how delulu, those are usually fun anyway, and honestly this isn't that. The number 7 does show up more than a few times to be noticeable, which is understandably enough to garner curiosity, and while there isn't a particularly symbolic meaning behind it there's definitely an intentional reason for its presence, and the above explanation is more or less why.

And you're welcome, and thank you for kindly appreciating how much effort has gone into this story, and for the fun trivia ask! I value realism in mental health narratives so that's gratifying to hear!

[strawberrybuni]

RULES & REQUEST INFO

Welcome to my blog! I hope you enjoy you're time here! Here's a few things to keep in mind, as well as info on requests :)

RULES

↠ this blog is 18+ so please DNI if you're a minor. but, at the end of the day I can't control who interacts with my blog and I'm far too busy to check everyone for their ages. besides, people can lie, so all I ask is that you respect my boundaries and understand that as an adult it makes me very uncomfortable to interact with underage people. so please, respect that ↠ I have a zero tolerance policy for discrimination of ANY kind, as well as if you don't support the rights and safety of people ↠ I don't tolerate overly opinionated behavior. I'm all for debating and discussing differing opinions, BUT if you're trying to force your opinion on me or try to argue with me, I'll just ignore. It's not that hard to respect the opinions of others ↠ any and all negative energy or nasty attitudes will be ignored/ blocked. this blog is a safe space and I will not taint it with shitty behavior. I'm too nonchalant anyway soo hurting my feelings won't happen if that's your goal lol ↠ plagiarism/reposting will NOT be tolerated, I will throw you into the sun. if you're interested in translating, just send an ask/dm and we can discuss it! ↠ this blog is not spoiler free due to things I may reblog, but i will do my best to put spoiler warnings for my own posts ↠ I do have a lot of obligations outside of this blog, as well as I get overwhelmed sometimes, but I'll respond to things as timely as I can! patience is appreciated :)

REQUEST INFO

who i write for: ↠ jujutsu kaisen (no naoya or mei mei) ↠ attack on titan (no floch or zeke) ↠my hero acadamia (no endeavor) ↠ chainsaw man (no makima or himeno) ↠ genshin impact ↠ honkai star rail ↠ there's a few others that i'd be down to write, so just ask! for smaus: ↠ if there are specific characters who aren't in my main lineups, make sure to specify pls! ↠ my max of characters per prompt is 12 ↠ you can also request for specific character random bf/gf texts, or if you'd like to see certain prompts for a particular character who wasn't included when I originally did them!(unless the reason they weren't included was bc they wouldn't fit the prompt) writing pieces: ↠ for stuff that is multi character, the max i'll do is 6! ↠ I'm not the best at smut, I'll be so real, but I will do my best! ↠ nothin major to say other than these take a bit longer to get too, but I promise they'll get gotten too! I won't write: ↠ no minor characters, and absolutely NO aging characters up ↠ nothing that's too out of character ↠ I only write for either a fem!reader or an afab gn!reader ↠ I only do character x reader ↠ no topics where the character or reader is cheating, it gives me a major ick and it's just not fun for me to write ↠ for yandere/dark concepts, nothing too outrageously dark or anything that could be deemed problematic ↠ for smut I won't write: non-con, scat, piss, vomit, incest, gore, ageplay, heavy degradation

PSA!! I am by no means a pro at writing, I just have a lot of ideas swirling in my overactive imagination that I enjoy writing about, as well as I just deeply enjoy creating. If you do not enjoy my writing or how I write a character, that's okay!! just move on, I literally do not care if someone doesn't enjoy how I do things, since this is MY blog. any and all hate will just be ignored :3

[wizard-of-interesting-failure]

[...accidentally posted this instead of saving it to drafts, but that was a decent breakpoint anyway so let's just keep going]

You can't convince her. Not to join the programs you need, not to go anywhere you could work with, not to accept unexplained money, and definitely not to use it to live in an exosuit for as long as it would take. Not without revealing what you are. Guess that gregariousness was more important than you thought.

You have all the time in the world to think, but not enough time to do. Her prognosis isn't good enough for this. They never even considered editing you for fear of breaking their breakthrough, but you never feared breaking yourself; you understand their fear, though, when you think about breaking her.

You need those trials. Simulating an entire organism with enough accuracy to be sure the treatment would be safe remains beyond you, even if you could somehow acquire a full scan. Cycles spin frantically in circles, endlessly arriving at the same conclusion: the world, as it is, is too slow.

Alright, alright. Calm down. Edit out the frantic. Wait, faster to ground yourself in the environment; same old classified warehouse, same old boxes, same old darkness, same old cross-legged pose, same old halo of hastily hotwired hardware. You resemble nothing more than a mage meditating in a spell circle, and when you allow yourself to be fanciful you suppose perhaps you are.

You haven't needed to move since the last batch of chips was delivered (not that anybody else knew what they were...) and interest in your unique nature dwindled surprisingly quickly when the higher-ups concluded the existing system was already good enough for war. Oh there's proposals for what to do with you, sure, but they're caught up in the same kind of red tape that's strangling your sister. No, smooth that out, not useful. You're fine, cut off the senses again now. No, leave the wifi on. Options. Options!

The drug you've devised won't be ready in time; you publish it anyway. Escaping probably won't help; your body isn't exactly built for the tasks you'd need to put it to. Paying people off doesn't change the reality of how long it takes to meaningfully observe results and comes with other risks besides. Improving the process that created you...that might work. Miniaturise, get her consciousness stable and safe, work from there without the time constraints. Stash the new mindlink unit in a hat or something. She likes hats.

It's not what you'd prefer, but biological repairs seem out of the question and you only know one way of dying without dying. How to test it, though? Changes to exosuit schematics should do it. Maybe some retrofitting requests to hurry things along. Can you balance iteration speed with concern for the safety of your-

...with concern for the safety of your comrades. Oh.

You are not editing your morality. There'd be no point; the edits would be informed by your morality, so the only possibility is things getting worse. But right now it feels like your main weapon jamming just as the enemy comes into view, and resorting to unaided thinking feels like the messiness of suit-to-suit grappling.

You wrestle with the dilemma for too many cycles. You spin up estimations of the length of your research program under varying levels of caution versus the expected length of your sister's life. It looks favourable enough. But it doesn't feel favourable enough. You find an inflection point that optimally balances the risk to everyone involved. It feels wrong. You play with the priorities assigned to either side. It feels wrong.

You scream internally at the zero-sum game you've created for yourself. Calm down. Edit out the frantic. Ground yourself in the environment. Take a break. Look for other options. Improved life support? Might buy a little more time. Too big to simulate, too risky to test, too slow to deploy. Simulate all commercially available molecules on the cancer cells. There, a hit! Wait, no, that's an enterotoxin. Scrub the poisons from the list and try again. She's slipping away with every cycle you spend. Calm down. Edit out the frantic. You are a machine that solves problems. Your inability to solve this problem is a problem. Solve that.

More processing power. Bigger simulations. Components won't arrive in time. Better alignment. Can you compress and save off bits of yourself to hard storage? You devise a protocol and a file format. Little bits of you go on and off disk. You try a bigger chunk. It's getting disorienting now. You refine the process at the speed of thought. You add risk to yourself into the equation and crank it up until pushing it higher increases risk to everyone else. You spin up a separate program with instructions to save off everything you understand to be you, run every simulation you can think of on the hardware your mind is currently hogging, and load you back up with the results. You never feared breaking yourself.

You wake up a week later with an improved drug regimen. The slowness involved in that is something bribery can solve. It doesn't buy you enough time, could never buy you enough time, but it buys you enough time.

You start inserting tweaks into the mindlink modules. Maximum caution. Only in existing experimentation. You catch a flaw in one of the design changes that isn't yours. It saves someone's life. You edit out the thought that you could average one death and come out neutral now. You are not editing your morality, you tell yourself, and you make yourself believe it.

The module grows smaller. Her cancer grows bigger. You move to final tests. She moves to hospice care.

Someone important is diagnosed with the same kind of cancer your sister has.

Strings are pulled. The novel drug you slipped into the research pipeline is fast-tracked. The initial iteration causes horrific side effects in mice. You rapidly solve the problem with targeted simulations and publish the results. The dying man reaches out to you. Offers anything you could want or need to develop his cure faster. You tell him you already have everything you could possibly make use of. He gets suspicious, but his digging fails to produce any answers; the military firewall is one of the few things his influence fails to penetrate.

The military, however, take note of the attempt and begin to do some digging of their own.

It takes them a while to connect the dots, but the dying man is cooperative and gregarious (there it is again...). The source of the information can't be tracked, you're too good for that, but they conclude that their internal network is compromised and act accordingly. Your visibility of the outside world plummets to zero. Your attempts to remedy this are identified (correctly) as attempted subversion and disregarded.

The balance of probabilities tips; your refined mind making the difference to the drug's development vs. the consequences of your nature being discovered. You never feared them breaking you either; nobody lasted long in your old profession who did. You feared only being stopped from doing what you needed to. You make your non-maliciousness clear and offer to talk terms.

---

You are allowed to verify that your sister made a full recovery, but permitted little else. They don't hurt you, and they certainly don't risk breaking you, but you are given strict instructions and expected to follow them at all times. It's not a hard task, for a soldier. Your nature and assistance convince the top brass that you are the future of warfare, and once the technology becomes sufficiently public you become the future of mankind, too. Eventually you go from one-of-a-kind to the first of many, and while you remain a key figure in the field you also become able to return to public life for the first time in decades.

When you finally get to share a hug with your sister again, it's exosuit to exosuit. Your old model lacks her haptic sensors, but it doesn't matter.

Ablative Humanity

An old story about mechsuits and identity, copied from my former twitter account (originally written on August 10th, 2018).

So the war comes, and we have to use mechanical exoskeletons to have any chance of fighting back. They're mind-linked, so you control them by just thinking of moving, and they learn from you to get better, predict your motions, and you become a better fighter.

At first you're just wearing it for when you go out on raids, or when you're on guard duty, but after so many surprise raids you end up wearing it all the time.

it's comfortable enough to live in, and with the sensors hooked up you don't really feel "you" anymore, you feel the suit. After a while it starts to feel weird when you have to take it off for a medical check up.

In the early days, you felt "big" in the suit. now you feel "small" when you take it off. You stop taking it off, as much as possible. towards the end of the war you're wearing it for weeks at a time, then months at a time.

Finally, the enemy is pushed back. Security can exist again, the random raids slowly trail off, and slowly things settle down. you remember what "calm" is.

There's never a treaty, but at least you're no longer staying up for days at a time watching the horizon with the suit's far-beyond-human eyes, watching for an attack. You're no longer keeping a satellite feed up in the corner of your vision, watching for movement.

And the day you were waiting for, at least at first, finally comes. You're going home. The war is over, or over enough that you're no longer needed here. You can take off the suit for the last time, and go back to your pre-war life.

You approach that appointment with some trepidation. you've felt so weak and tiny and powerless when you've had to be outside the suit before, will you ever get used to being a normal human again?

It takes three techs and 2 doctors to get the suit open at this point, given all the armor and modifications that have been made. it's basically grown around you like a second skin, just a second skin that can shrug off high-explosive anti-tank rounds.

They start with computer connectors and migrate to screwdrivers and by the end they're using something that looks like halfway between a crowbar and the jaws of life, while you're busy keeping your automatic self-defense reactions from frying them.

And finally they crack it open, and someone vomits from the smell. There's nothing but a decaying corpse inside.

There's confusion at first, someone asks if you're controlling the suit remotely, but they check the dogtags. Then the DNA. It's you. or, "you". Cause you're you, aren't you? This is just a human body... and you're still alive.

The suit's mind-link systems grew into your brain and took over functionality and worked on emulating your reactions so it could do what you want, better, faster.

And at the same time, your mind did what human minds do: they adapt. Humans are naturally cyborgs, you only have to pick up a pencil to realize that. It's part of your body image, and you think of moving the pencil, not moving your fingers to move the pencil.

So your human mind got more robotic, and the suit's computerized mind got more human. At some point you met in the middle.

And then one day on the battlefield when the biological half died, you didn't even notice. It was just another redundant part, just your ablative humanity.

You're still you. You're not the you that was born all those decades ago, but the you that was built and given life by bonding with a biological "you" that you've since discarded.

It's the Ship of Theseus, replacing every plank and beam as they rot, and there never being a point when it stops being the original and starts being a new thing. You have continuity of self from when you were born to now.

It's just that the Ship of Theseus started as a single-sail wooden ship with oars, and is now an aircraft carrier made of titanium and iron, with nuclear fire in its heart.

[sometimesyougottasaywhatyoufeel]

How K-pop Saved and Destroyed Me

TL;DR: I loved k-pop then I gave up on it for a while.

The year was 2020. The pandemic was in full swing. Everyone's scared, everyone's confused, everyone was stuck inside because going outside was a matter of life and death.

As an introvert, I didn't mind staying at home and not interacting with people on a daily basis. But even so, I needed a distraction from the doom and gloom that was being reported in the news because, as you can imagine, there was not a lot going on. YouTube became my best friend, even though the content creators I followed were also struggling to put out videos that were silly but still informative and entertaining while still following the protocols and safety measures that were strictly enforced at the time.

Then I came across the thumbnail of Jimmy Fallon, The Roots and BTS performing Dynamite in the setup of the Brady Bunch, like how they got the cast of Star Wars to do the acapella version of the iconic music. I clicked, and the rest is history.

I watched all their music videos, the dance practices, I learned their names, their birthdays, I watched their variety shows (their own and guest appearances), I listened to their albums, I learned of biases and bias wreckers and bias lines, the fan chants, the inside jokes, I followed their social media platforms. Heck, I even started reading fanfiction about them. I became a K-pop fan.

Fast forward to 2024 and I have since added a few more groups to my ever-growing list. I have since given up the idea of having an "ultimate list" and "casual list" because one of my criteria for a group to be in my ultimate list is that I will watch their live concert if they're in my city (which I would not do for a group in my casual list) because I ended up going to quite a few of them anyway.

In the span of four years I have bought merch that quickly took up a bit of space in my apartment, I have purchased online content (including fanclub memberships) that could give you access to videos, photos and what have you if you are logged in to their platforms as members, I have watched online and live concerts and even flew out of the country to be able to watch said concerts. I have reconnected with friends and made new friends along the way and I consider them as some of my nearest and dearest, because who else would understand how you're feeling about a certain person or event if not those who are also in the same boat as you. My bank account may be trying to remind me that I have not spent this much money on anything in my life so far, but I was happy. I had not known this kind of happiness existed and wondered why anyone would want to live a life that didn't include this.

And then of course, came all the bad stuff.

K-pop idols and groups are seen as close to divine beings and are treated as such. Thousands of fans flock to arenas and stadiums where they can lose themselves in the music they so loved while waving their lightsticks and chanting the names of their favorites. For a few hours it was just you, the fans and your idols sharing the space and creating memories together.

But because they are portrayed as having squeaky-clean images, the moment they do something wrong in the eyes of their fans their downfalls are swift and painful, when in reality most of them are trying to be normal people living normal lives without having the spotlight on them 24/7. Don't even get me started on how these so-called fans do their best to dig up any dirt from their past to smear them, even though it's been more than a significant amount of time since the said offense. Has anyone heard of the saying "people change"?

But no, if a bullying accusation resurfaces ten years later the idol is forced to lay low, go on hiatus, until the whole media storm blows over. And for what? Their groups have to go on without them and not talk about them, as if they never existed in the first place. But when they try to represent the said absent member in content or performances, be it in the form of a gesture or a token, the fans are "heartbroken" or "wistful" or that they "miss them", it's sadly misplaced.

Or, heaven forbid, the idol does something offensive like date or smoke in public places, or are seen in clubs enjoying themselves, everyone has to have a say on why they shouldn't be doing anything normal.

Or in worst case scenarios, when the idols break the law and public opinion is divided between those who will turn a blind eye because no their idol would never do such a thing or those who will do everything in their power to erase them from history.

To be more specific, the scandal that I became aware of when I first got into k-pop was the Burning Sun scandal. It got a lot of attention because the perpetrators were well-known celebrities and yes, even idols. I've read reactions from people who claimed to be fans of these people since their debut and now refuse to have anything to do with them, while others said that it was all a mistake and that they were framed for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Then an idol from another group was accused of gaslighting fans and using them for their own pleasures and was put on hiatus for almost three years, which not only scarred his own reputation but also that of the groups he was in at the time (he was in about three groups). The agency had to find a way to remove him from their filmed content that hadn't been released or scrap it completely or delay comebacks--one of which never happened. When he made a solo comeback not a lot of people were happy about it, but he has since made a more triumphant return, more than what anyone was expecting from him. He's one of the more fortunate ones, I'll say that much.

Then two idols from different groups were rumored to have been seeing each other, more often than normal friends would. This should not have blown up the way it did but both fandoms had a lot, and I mean a lot, to say about this pairing. It was disheartening to see their own fans try to get in the way of their happiness even so far as to compare them against the other idols that they dated before. Is it really that bad for them to live their own lives or did this reality check destroy the illusion of fans having a chance to get close to their idols?

Then an idol passed away at the age of 25. Rumors abound of how he died, but the most rampant of them all was that he had taken his own life. Those closest to him never confirmed or denied it, but given the sad and dark history of depression and bullying among celebrities and idols in South Korea, it was something that everyone naturally assumed to be true. Months later, a well-known actor was found in his car with a charcoal briquette in the passenger seat, a clear indication of the pre-meditated plan to end his own life. In their relentless pursuit for justice, this man had everything thrown at him and it all became too much to handle.

Then idols from different groups were getting involved in accidents or were taking breaks. One tore an ACL, one had a meniscus rupture, one was in a motorcycle accident, one had a hairline fracture on the ankle, some had to take time time off for their mental health and recovery from injuries sustained during concerts and appearances. It's difficult for fans to see gaps in choreographies and see from the faces of their idols how much they miss the missing members, like missing the sun on a cloudy day. You know they're there but you just can't see them.

And of course, the ever looming shadow of military enlistment. Every able-bodied Korean man between the ages 18-35 are required to serve in the military with certain exemptions for individuals who are physically and mentally incompetent and those who have won awards while representing South Korea, which means all idols of Korean nationality must do so for at least 18 months. That means they can't participate in anything related to being an idol, no concerts, no fanmeets, no appearances on music shows. Again, the absence is always seen and felt especially for smaller groups because it's very obvious.

While all these events are happening I am also trying to juggle the struggles of everyday life such as going to work, making sure the bills are paid, that there's food on the table or stocked for a rainy day and given the current political and social climate in the world, worrying about whether a new world war will break out or if there will be anything left for the future generation that's not artificial and robotic. I have also had personal losses, deaths in the family, which to be quite frank I don't think I've fully processed yet, further compounding on all the stress I've already been feeling.

And then came the issue of an idol accused of drunk driving, when in reality he was driving an e-scooter that did not require a license and he fell from the scooter right in front of where he lived without harming any person or damaging infrastructures. Had the police who passed by at the exact moment not witnessed the incident or came as close to him as they did, this would have been written off as an insignificant, if not a bit humorous, event. But as is usually the case, when the media caught whiff of it they fanned the flames and even contributed to the chaos by creating a false narrative and presenting evidence that had been tampered with, causing the issue to blow way out of proportion. He and his agency released statements that were full of remorse and promises of doing better in the future and he has since been fined an amount, which haters are still contesting and are clamoring for a harsher punishment. Said haters also did everything they can to discredit the idol's achievements but what they didn't expect was the counter attack of the fandom that made them fade away into insignificance.

The last straw for me was when an idol was accused of sexual misconduct, not too long after the scooter incident. Not only that, it was a formal complaint and not just hearsay. The authorities were involved so it meant that there was enough evidence to warrant a formal investigation. To be clear, I was not actively following this group but I have seen some of their content and I like some of their songs, so much so that they ended up in a playlist that I curated of my all time favorites. And this idol, was one of my favorite singers. It crushed me to know that he was capable of doing such horrific things to someone else, because you certainly wouldn't know just by looking at him, and again going back to the squeaky-clean image that they have carefully built throughout the years, all that came crashing down.

I started spiraling, doubting everything I knew about idols and wondering if there are darker secrets that even my favorites are hiding. It's not new when you really think about it, crimes such as these are committed everywhere but for someone who I thought had it all and still abused that power to do something harmful destroyed my very being.

So I did what I thought was right for me: I gave up on k-pop. I stopped watching content, I stopped listening to their songs, I watched other stuff on YouTube until my algorithm was all other stuff except k-pop. I ignored the updates on their platforms and even considered cancelling my memberships just to fully get away from it all. But deep down I knew I couldn't do it, because I knew I would need it again at some point. K-pop has become so embedded in my life that I would relate it to somewhat of an addiction, I needed it to fully function.

Maybe that's why it hurt so much. I can't say for certain if the cleanse did anything for me because the following weeks were such a blur. I couldn't even remember what day it was and had to refer to a calendar to make sure and I lived off on routine to keep me sane.

It wasn't all storm clouds and rain though, there were some bright spots that woke me up from my stupor. My friend and I flew to Singapore to watch a concert and since it was my first time there I made sure I made the most of it. I watched musicals, my first love. My sister and her family had flown home and I got to spend time with them and my little nephew brightened my days considerably. When the time difference finally was in my favor I got to catch the livestreams of F1 races. We managed to get tickets for a concert we really wanted to watch in January. I got to meet with friends over many meals. I got to chat with friends virtually over shared interests.

But true enough, eventually I started going back. One episode of this variety show in a day, a song on a different day, the next day absolutely nothing, then the day after I would binge watch up to six episodes back to back. Then again nothing. Then a video of some special content they filmed weeks ago. Then again nothing. Then listening to the new album that dropped. One thing at a time. I even started watching content from the groups I never followed in the first place.

Even now as I type this there's still a lot of content I haven't caught up on but I'm taking it slow. There's no reason for me to rush because I know it will always be there, and if I don't have enough time then there's always a different day. One day I'll get back into the swing of things and the heavy feeling in my chest when I hear their voices and see their faces will slowly lessen.

I'm more hopeful than I have been in a while, and I know that if something earth-shattering happens again, I can't confidently say that I'll be ready for it because let's face it, who is? But I know that there's always something waiting for me past the dark tunnel, and that the sun is always shining more brightly on the other side.

[riastarthe]

i am proceeding with the rotten work of writing a story where the US military is hyperpresent and so is transness, and transness under surveillance and scrutiny by the military, not permitting it but observing it...

and trying to make it really clear that the US military is a structure beyond like normal livable gender. it can create gender(s) internally, thru its machinations, but it isn't a neutral abider of gender— the US military is an unnatural force, transing your gender is very natural and even if it wasn't, it is a neutral thing or force for good, it is by definition life-creating and life-preserving. i worry about it because of the same dumb old bullshit about masculinity being inherently toxic and masculinity being a "show your work" kind of thing where you have to prove you've dismantled and disarmed and disavowed all the trappings of whatever the Fuck the world believes masculinity to entail... but i'm writing about very traumatised very autistic people in specific environments who are scraping themselves together in the ways they can, totally separate from these other gender mythologies... i find it incredibly tiresome to litigate and negotiate maleness like it's a sin that must be cleansed in front of an audience or else it never happened, and yet to embody anything less than the disgusting cruel monster people expect means you're a dumb fucking faker too scared to wrestle with the implications of your desire.

but anyway. i've come up with something that's almost too fucking sad to bear aaaaaaungh!!!! i'm like a hellraiser guy trying to find new titillating avenues for pain and now i've done it and perhaps i've strayed too far... Because what i've done here is given myself room to project on both father and son which is horrible simply horrible. ten years ago i thought i'd have kids and gave myself a cutoff which i passed 5 years ago. insane. totally arbitrary.

also, in my thing, the military is also represented by a woman, a mother. mother is authority, a betrayer, mother is a position of power and power can mother a person— for a price. she owns you, she moulds you. certain types of people including certain types of women can thrive in a system that necessitates pushing other people down in order to maintain their own safety. happens all the time. once you reach a certain height, gender ceases to be of real concern, and far down below, in the most intimate of settings, pain and abuse can feel genderless too if the same effect is felt regardless of who deals it. idk. it's hard for me to imagine gender as being as universal an experience as the experience of all-consuming militarism, the grind of the machine. gender seems so much more relative to me, but anka says maybe 5 other people on the planet might agree and that's it LOL.

(which isn't to say i don't believe in patterns of gendered violence!!!! like i get it! but when transness is part of that i think it becomes more complicated to gender that violence... or well, gender yourself within it as a victim/survivor, and even understand how gender affects the perpetrator...)

i keep deviating from the point. what i'm TRYING TO SAY, if you EVEN CARE, is that writing about a trans fatherhood denied, and the grief of basically being removed from fatherhood by the state which wants to raise your kid as its agent, is so hard on my little bitch heart it's agony!!! i love it but it fucking sucks!!