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lokittystuckinatree · 2 years ago

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LCU (Loki Cinematic Universe) Rewatch Part Three here we come!

Thor: the Dark World

Oh Gods I forgot how…indescribable this movie is. I have no words. The outfits and settings look so real and the elves look so fake?

Me every time I see Loki: oOmMgGg Hiiiiiiiiiii 😘

“Mother did I make you proud?” And the whole way he handles this scene…How did anyone ever take him seriously - no wonder he went off the rails, that’s his greatest fear

“Do you not feel the gravity of your crimes” ok this is pure speculation but going off of what we know about Loki’s moral and emotional system - he’s capable of remorse and empathy, but he tends to compartmentalize and bury guilt and shame, repress and conceal his true feelings, and rationalize, minimize and justify his actions instead of accepting what he sees as weakness, so yes, I’d imagine that deep down he absolutely fucking feels it. And it don’t feel good.

Loki justifies his imperialism genocide and violence in an imperial genocidal militaristic society but the second he becomes king he decreases military intervention something something (one of the good bits of Ragnarok)

“I don’t enjoy hurting people” But Odin does. And so Loki pretends to.

BOOOOOO Odin no one likes you BOOOOOOO SCREW YOU

oMggg Sif hiiiiiii. Look at her, Thor. LOOK at her! With your eyes! She prettyyyyy

Odin and Thor: talking about Thor’s love life. Loki probably: rocking back in forth in his cell because no one’s ever gonna love him. Another Loki at the same time: chasing his soulmate across spacetime because she pulled a Loki on him and he finds that endearing

The sets and ambiance of Asgard are gorgeous how do I move there

Yet another obscure character I don’t remember, Darcy’s in the comics now I’m so proud, Selvig’s lost his last marble, so have I Selvig, so have I

The weird gravity/time space anomaly/warp thing in that abandoned building actually makes for a fun scene. You cannot change my mind on this. The Aether is pretty creepy though ngl.

Thor and Jane are so cringe together. I love them. They also break my heart

The plot of this movie is really…something

Loki and Frigga’s bond actually makes me teary I know they didn’t have the best relationship it was strained and toxic at times but omg they care about eachother so much I’m getting emotional…she genuinely was the only person Loki truly loved in a healthy way. And he fucking lost her. FUCK

Cut to me relating to Loki so much it makes me physically recoil. I’d get into why but I’m not trauma dumping today.

“I don’t know why Loki helped the dark elf get into the palace”…lol stop lying to yourself you know the reason very well. You have the same resentment and lust for chaos inside you that Loki does…that desperate grief that makes you want to burn down the world that burned you. you know. I see my worst in Loki, and his story gives me hope that I can change. There’s a good chance I will die young (medical shit) and Loki dying young also gives me comfort.

This movie is peak Loki. I just fucking adore the little shit. I just aahfhkjkmng *aggressively squeezes*

Heimdall is underrated

Someone on discord said Frigga autocorrected to Fridged on their phone and Frigga’s dying and that’s all I can think about rip…bruh this scene hits a lot harder after my dad’s death ✌️

HE WASNT EVEN ALLOWED AT HER FUCKING FUNERAL FUCK YOU ODIN DRINK BLEACH!!!!Anyways I forgot how cinematic and heartbreakingly beautiful the funeral was

YOU CAN SEE THE SPARK LEAVE HIS FUCKING EYES IM GONNA FIGHT ODIN IN A DENNYS PARKING LOT. I’m ending on the Loki illusion scene for tonight because it’s 3 am and I’m in emotional distress.

How can anyone watch the illusion scene and the deleted bits and actually believe Loki is a cold hearted psychopath? I have this fucked up headcanon that Loki almost attempted suicide after Frigga’s death and either stopped himself…or Thor showed up right on time. I can’t prove it but I know it’s true by gut instinct.

There’s something so weirdly profound about someone who seeks out death being unkillable. Character who thinks he represents death actually represents life. That’s something the Loki series actually did well. They definitely screwed up his character in places, but I can see the backbone of what they intended. I don’t know how to explain this, but I don’t ship Sylvie with TVA Loki, I ship her with Pre-Ragnarok Loki. Aka, I characterize TVA Loki as closer to OG Loki than he is thus far.

There’s a tiny detail about Loki that makes me go feral. You have to psychoanalyze a little, but Loki doubts his brother even cares about him, so whenever Thor says he feels betrayed and threatens him, Loki smiles. It means Thor cared. It means there’s hope. Negative attention is better than none at all. Disappointment is better than apathy. I wish I didn’t know how he feels.

#if I can find my other post with parts 1 and 2 I’ll link it here #LCU rewatch #Thor the dark world #to be continued

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duncebento · 1 year ago

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For alternatives to silk what about the literal millions of tons of discarded clothes and textiles and cloth (a large percentage of which are basically brand new) that are going to rot away and emit pollution unless they are used and recycled properly. What about that. I think it's reasonable to not think that we have to continuously consume and exploit and expand so people have clothes. Because we have the huge piles of the waste from that that are going to turn into rotting shit as proof that that doesn't work. "Humans are part of nature" how do you think silkworms are obtained? Do you think most of silk is produced out in the wild? And what about the energy and resources you need to process and transport it? To keep steady tempuratures for silk prpduction and the actual machinery to process it and transport it? The people who are used to process it and make it into products? Many of whom are not payed enough to live and are forced into the industry? Do you think that most of that silk ends up getting recycled or reused?

So yea I think there are alternatives to new silk and endless production of it and there should be more of them

hiiiiiii so u didnt read my post somehow even thouvh it was one humorous sentence so that’s weird.

anyway since u asked i volunteer at a textile recycling plant. (the reason it exists is because it’s a requirement for companies w textile waste according to new york law. if there is no decent edifice for textile recycling, which in most places there isn’t, then it won’t get recycled. the building of such factories is a legislative issue i’d say)

but mainly umm silk is silk. the substitute for silk is viscose, which is made of wood but massively pollutes the water used to produce it. the substitute for silk is not the “calabasas” graphic print cotton poly elastane tee that someone cheugy wanted to wear for 3 weeks before forgetting about and eventually discarding. also that shirt can’t be recycled. because it has elastane in it. if u think people at large should direct all of their desire for clothing into the products of recycled and reused clothing that had already been thrown away in would genuinely like to ask u how u think that system would look. but only if u have a good answer

ummmm anyway the rest of your response no actually pretty much the whole response is directed at words that i never said. except for “humans are a part of nature,” which was a response to the OP’s idea that the concept of ANIMAL DOMESTICATION was the root of the problems with silk (and by extension wool etc) production. and i think that animal domestication by human beings is a “natural” technology that could and did subsist without destroying the earth and abusing it’s creatures. diocane

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antisyscourse · 1 year ago

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Hiiiiiii! Having a syscourse-free blog is actually an amazing idea icl! (Syscourse is… Stressful…)

Anyways! We missed drama today bcs we had a seizure :-( But we’re feeling better now and have some snacks! I’m watching my source too!!

How’s your day going??

(PS:: Can we claim the sign off; 🎼👑🏰/RCA (It stands for our sys name, which is a ref to my source… hehe…))

thank you for the compliment on our blog!! we know sys course is stressful, and it harms a lot of the community, hence why we made this. :)) i'm so sorry you had a seizure, I hope you're recovering well and doing okay now!! D: i'm glad you're feeling better. :DD my day is going alright, thank you for asking!!

[ID: STOP! this is a syscourse free blog! it is a safe space for all systems, so please go away if you intend upon stirring up drama!]

#⋆˙⟡ : 🎼👑🏰/RCA anon #did osdd #did #osdd #actually did #actually osdd #osdd system #osddid #actually plural #plural system #did alter #plural positivity #plurality #system #system stuff #system things #sysblr

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fairytalesandfandoms · 2 years ago

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not the meme!

or, I watched The Wicker Man (2006) and lived to tell the tale

(a combination of actual criticisms and the usual piss-taking, because come on, have you SEEN this film? On second thought, if the answer's no, then don't)

I'd already read @forthegothicheroine's thoughts on the film and I would like to add my resounding agreement

Despite having A LOT of the same/similar dialogue, it felt to me like the film was only engaging with the original on a superficial level? Rather than, you know, THE CORE THEMES. Like the conflict between two different strongly held belief systems! And sex vs repression! Which simply wasn't as pronounced in this film which made it a lot less interesting

the MINUTE Willow said she had a daughter in the letter I was like 'Bet you she's his. Because 9 times out of 10 in a movie when a guy's ex says she has a kid the kid turns out to be his.' And was I right? Yes I was.

👏 where 👏 was 👏 the 👏 midnight 👏 orgy 👏 you 👏 cowards 👏

(before anyone accuses me of wanting to see a midnight orgy, I'm using this as an example)

*shrek voice* they don't even have folk music

The costumes looked too Aesthetic(TM). Like, they looked like someone had raided all the cottagecore Etsy shops. And this was before the word 'cottagecore' was a thing. I much preferred the 1973 costumes which either looked like 1) clothes that you could imagine everyday people in the 70s would wear or 2) for the procession, like they had been made in an arts and crafts class, which is the look they SHOULD be going for imho

omg Alma Garrett hiiiiiii

Even though Nicolas Cage does not improve the film at all, I still think it would've been bad with or without him. See above point about themes

And you'll never guess what... the version that I watched... didn't even have the bee line (see what I did there)

Seriously, I had to go back and check I hadn't missed anything! After the islanders all surrounded him there was a vague voiceover of Nic Cage yelling part of that scene over shots of the procession, but no bees! I was so confused, especially since that was why I was watching the film in the first place!

I was already going to call this post 'not the meme!' for (near-)rhyming humour, but then it was LITERALLY NOT THE MEME. You couldn't make this up

I had to go and look it up on YOUTUBE for goodness sake

Anyway

Unless you're watching as part of some sort of bad movie thing, or to get the context for 'NOT THE BEES' (yes, hi) or because you want to watch films with Nicolas Cage in (ditto) I would save yourself the bother and stick with the original which is undeniably superior in every way

#stuff in my life #in which i watch films #the title of this post is literally true unfortunately #i was trying to keep an open mind and not automatically be like 'waaah they changed things!' as i know people are prone to do with remakes #but alas everyone who has seen the film was right. it is not good

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kumakuma-circus · 10 days ago

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Hellooo, im a lil curious about something if you’re comfortable answering. I’m pretty sure you’ve mentioned you have D.I.D and that Teddie is one of your alters? I’m curious if there are any differences between the Teddie who’s your alter and the canonical p4 Teddie (you’re awesome btw love your posts)

okay so. for the record we. almost definitely DON'T have d.i.d. (we have no amnesia barriers at all). probearbly have osdd-1b or something idk. we know we're a plural system and that's what really matters to us. :3

anyways!!!!!! hiiiiiii it's me. the ted. :333 i'm actually usually the one who posts (the #🧸 on a lot of our posts means i made it :3 we all have emojis we use to show who made a post the list's on one of our blog pages :33)- ummmmmmm. i'm pretty similar to canon teddie overall i thiiiiiink????? i'm beary beary silly and full of love and joy and whimsy heehee. X333 and i love my bearesties they're the bear-est!!!!!! uhh. idk what else to say really. i'm definitely a lot closer to our headcanon version of teddie than the canon version overall. sooooo ummm. yea. :3

#rambearling #🧸#i'm sure you're also awesome anon!! X3

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leejenowrld · 15 days ago

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HIIIIIII!!! SOPHIEEEEE!!!!

Just read the teaser for part 4 and I’m in tears! 😭 I remember you said Y/N is in her villain era and I’m so scared rn, but also kind of excited in some demented/ psychotic way 😭. You know just how to pull on the ol’ heart strings and I’m HERE for that.

I also just wanted to pop by and see how you’re doing! 😊 It’s been a hot minute. We just had a holiday here where I live, now I can stop hearing fireworks at 10pm and thinking someone’s getting shot 😭. I hope everything is going okay for you!

Also … have you seen Dream’s new comeback concept photos?!?! 😱 I’m about to become the world’s biggest whore after discovering MY MAN Na Jaemin is fucking blonde AGAIN!!! 😩. I don’t know what it is, but something about male idols having blonde or red hair drives me absolutely feral! 👹 Just needed to get that out of my system.

Anyway, I hope the rest of your day goes well! I will definitely be popping in soon again to chat! 😊

- ⭐️

oh my god, i love you popping in like this—it feels like a confetti cannon went off in my heart. i’m literally grinning reading this, because the way you go from sobbing over the teaser to full-on deranged excitement for villain y/n is so my favorite kind of energy. you’re right, there’s something kind of delicious about being terrified for what’s coming but also living for the chaos—like holding your breath on a rollercoaster, already screaming before the drop even hits. you have no idea how much it means to me that you’re not only here for the heartbreak, but fully rooting for the spiral and the mess. my villain era girlies, stand up.

i’m doing okay—just busy with the chaos of life and this fic melting my brain, but honestly, hearing from you makes everything brighter. (and god, i feel you on the fireworks, every holiday turns me into a jumpy housecat for a week straight, and i swear i never sleep through a single one.) i’m glad you survived and can finally get some peace! thank you for checking on me, truly—you always make me feel seen, and it’s so special to have people like you in my corner.

and as for dream’s comeback… don’t even get me started. na jaemin as a blonde is a public health crisis, and i will never recover. i saw those concept photos and immediately forgot how to function. the minute i think i’ve survived one era, they come back and ruin my willpower all over again. red hair, blonde hair—just take me out. it’s almost villain behavior on their part honestly. i’m so ready to spiral about this comeback with you—pls come scream with me when the mv drops, i need mutual support or we’ll both combust. alsooo the highlight medley sounds so good !!! i’m super stoked for this one.

thank you for always bringing the best vibes, and please keep coming back to chat—your energy and love make everything worthwhile. sending you so much love and wishing you a villain era of your own (the sexy, powerful, jaw-dropping kind, not the actual criminal kind, unless that’s your vibe, in which case, no judgment ever). talk soon, bb ⭐️💛

#fic — heart to heart asks #fic — heart to heart #⭐️ anon

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signalhill-if · 2 years ago

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How Signal Hill will dynamically update your saves

So it's pretty common to make big, fundamental changes in development that require players to start a new save. Sometimes shit just breaks. Sometimes you overhaul a system, and the new one is better, but the old one has to go. That's fine, especially since a lot of the games on here are only so many words and players tend to enjoy re-reading them anyway.

But with Signal Hill's unique structure, I saw an opportunity to make development super modular and updates really easy. That problem of needing to restart saves, though? That always nagged at me. I'm a perfectionist, so the idea of idea of making updates easy for me but keeping them hard for the player wasn't enough for me. And if you've ever developed a game, you know that "just don't make big changes that require a restart" isn't an option.

So I've come up with what I hope is a clever solution to make updates relatively painless. I'll get into the player's experience first, and then talk about the nitty gritty under the cut for my fellow devs (hiiiiiii~)

Seamless Player Experience

When the player opens Signal Hill, they are brought to the main menu where they can choose to load a save, resume where they left off, or start a new game.

If an update has come out, loading a save from any previous version will cause a permanent popup to show up on the top of the screen informing you that an update is required. This can not be removed or minimized without updating.

Clicking on the update will bring the player to a page with a brief explanation of how updating works and a changelog for the current version. The game will automatically determine what needs to be updated based on their save's data. Some updates will require the player to answer a question, such as "What choice did you make during this scene?" or "Did you succeed on this roll?"

Once the questions have been answered, the player will be brought back to the page they started on and will be able to continue the game seamlessly without issues.

Under the cut, I'll explain how this actually works in Twine.

Under the hood

So there are two kinds of updates that cause problems, assuming the content itself hasn't been rewritten. One is updating the StoryInit to add new arrays or set defaults for numbers. The other is when things have happened in the story that you need to record as a variable and reference later, but you didn't have the hindsight to do it at the time.

The game will now track a variable called $gameversion. Any time a major version is released, the $gameversion in the StoryInit will be updated to the new version, so a player starting a new save will automatically be on the correct version.

If the player is not on the correct version, a line of code in the header will identify that and show them the update message. This will bring them over to the update page.

Any simple StoryInit changes will be done automatically, such as adding new arrays or setting new variables to 0 so that the game can do math with them.

Signal Hill is a massive game and saves a fuckton of data, so this info can be used contextually to dynamically update more complicated variables. Here's are some examples.

The game saves a list of every character you've encountered as an array, $met. If $met.includes("yasmin"), that means you've met her. But the line of code that adds her to the list wasn't included in the first version by accident. However, this can be easily remedied.

When the player completes a lead, it is added to a hidden list called $playedleads. If $playedleads.includes("waveform"), that means you've completed the lead that introduces Yasmin. So if $playedleads.includes("waveform"), we can $met.push("yasmin"). We'll just have to include an extra safety measure at the end of that lead, so that anyboy who updated their game mid-lead will still get her added to the $met list.

In addition, the game saves events that happen through HiEv's Event Flag macro. If the player failed a roll at the end of KC's intro, they won't be getting paid for tagging along during Test Run, and it'll SetFlag "TestRunIntern" (some of my flags have very good names, tragic that you'll never see them haha). But that, also, was missed in the original release somehow. So if $playedleads.includes("lamplighters"), the game will prompt you on whether you failed or succeeded at that roll and the flag will be set accordingly.

The game version being recorded in the variables means that extremely old saves should still be salvageable, they'll just have to endure more updates. As the game recieves more updates, it'll send players to the appropriate page for their version. If the current version is 1.5.X and the save is from 1.2.X, then the player will be brought to the 1.3.X update page, which will include all of the updates from 1.3.X to present.

Eventually, old saves may become untenable due to some massive future change that can't be predicted right now. But assuming things go as planned, this should prevent players from ever having to start a new save if they don't want to.

This has been a little dry, but I hope it game you some ideas or was interesting! I'm pretty proud of this little hack, hence why I'm sharing, haha. Hopefully in the future I'll find ways to streamline this process even more.

#signal hill #update #interactive fiction #twine

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gumjester · 2 years ago

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❤️ 💜🧜‍♀️🎶

OH EM GEEEEE HIIIIIII ROCKET <3333

❤ - top 3 royals?

LIZZIE, DARING AND HOPPER..... I THINK.... lizzie is my everything she is so fun to write and think about... the same with daring... they are both so FUNNY i never ever ever have anything less than a stellar time when they are on screen/page. . hopper is there too. I LOVE FROGS and i love terrible incomprehensible nervous messes of characters. hopper delivers. i dont know what exactly it is that he delivers but he DOES DELIVER IT

💜 - top 3 rebels?

it's gotta be hunter, sparrow and briar. im not considering kitty or maddie as rebels in this instance because firstly kitty is a royal no matter how she dresses it up (literally the only criteria for being a royal is wanting to follow in your parent's footsteps and thats WHAT SHE WANTS) and because maddie is technically. also a royal. but i feel like she really doesnt have any skin in the game in this instance. maddie is maddie. a category all of her own....

ANYWAY YES I AM A HUNTER STAN, hopefully we all knew this already??!?? i love male characters that shut up and mind their own business and are just nice. hunter is only boring because he drank so much respect women juice that it ruptured the cells in his brain that control personality. i love him. sparrow i love for incidentally the exact opposite reason. he has never shut up once even a little bit and the entertainment that provides me is shallow but GOLDEN. HE'S SO ANNOYING. briar's just the best. the funnest most tragic girl in the world. my childhood friend reminds me of her so much so she is endeared to me

🧜‍♀️ - tell me about any eah aus that you like!

im a very plain jane when it comes to aus. ive actually never really liked them O__O canon rewrites and retellings are of course a different story, but i think to me, ever after high had so many unexplored avenues within the canon itself that to branch off into yet ANOTHER unexplored possibility is just !!!!! too much !!!!! my head hurts OWCH. address the implications of the magic system THEN we'll talk

🎶 - any songs that you heavily associate with eah characters?

too many 2 count!!!!! might just shamelessly link my spotify rn... i have made many playlists.. i suppose an og would be brutus by the buttress with courtly ? that inspired basically her entire character arc in my rewrite!!

#ever after high #eah #ask #HI ROCKET LOVE YOU MISS YOU #lizzie hearts #daring charming #hopper croakington ii #hunter huntsman #sparrow hood #briar beauty

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outpost51 · 2 years ago

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Happy WBW! Tell me anything about the currency of your world! (It can be about denominations, types, regions it's used in, things like that!)

Nopal hiiiiiii

Okay so I’m incredibly boring, they use credits in Xatal.

BUT some cultures will still operate on the barter system which means I get to ramble about uknuk culture and induct you into the uknuk stans club because while I definitely don’t have a favorite species, I definitely do and it’s the gd uknuks. Will this entirely answer your question? Probably not. But uknuks, nopal. Uknuks.

(Below the cut, natch.)

So, starting with a little context, uknuks possess two names within their own society, and a third, which is an alternate for the first, externally. They don’t have “family” names, as the entire community raises the children, and they feel that a “traditional” surname implies ownership of children by their parents, which goes against the central “all for all” attitude of uknuks; just as the responsibility of raising children is shared, so is the joy of experiencing their milestones, their accomplishments, and their mischief. Instead, their second name is received upon completion of their rite of passage, traditionally a stint of community service to introduce them to the responsibilities of full community members, and is indicative of their personalities or personal accomplishments. For example, Dekdek Jumpycup was the most spirited of her litter, and Cosh Pepperjacket was the spitfire of his litter. Second names are lyrical in nature, with an inherent rhythm to them that befits their holder. Given names are typically one or two syllables long, as it’s simply easier to call seven single-syllable children in for supper than seven with complex names.

Still with me? Sick. The reason the uknuks have two first names is because they have a name for legal documents and a name for their actual friends and family. They don’t believe in binding contracts but rather place a heavy emphasis on upholding one’s word/end of the bargain. Unfortunately, galactic society requires them to have IDs and permits and a variety of other legal documents, so they developed business names. These are typically modeled after their given names, so in the case of a slip up in front of a contracted entity, it can be passed off as a nickname. It also helps them get out of contracts with foreigners when their intuition leads them to believe the situation is souring. Going with the previous example, Dekdek and Cosh to their crew, Dassie and Coney on paper.

“So, what does this mean for capitalist ventures, Korble,” you ask, “when the uknuks are living in a stateless socialist society?” I see you, I hear you, I gotchu. Finger guns winky face.

Their direct barter system is one of the few systems in place in uknuk society that is primarily based on individual need, rather than communal. Sometimes, in cases of larger trades, whatever is being traded may benefit the community as a whole, but in smaller cases? Nah, fam. You want this, give me that, and then we’re even.

Say Cosh has just finished a batch of his cargo hold moonshine, and Rees wants a jar. The hardworking crew of the Rae’dinnah are nearing the end of Captain ak-Shagra’s mandatory bimonthly break from jobs, and therefore Rees is at the end of his credit stores. Cosh has plenty of credits, though, so he wouldn’t need the credits anyway! What he doesn’t have are the fancy smokes Rees puffs on all day, and he knows Rees has like three cases in his locker because he buys in bulk when they make port on Thumon, and also he’s a hoarder. It’s a problem (for the crew, not the cazen). One pack of smokes for one jar of moonshine, and they’re both happy as clams.

There is a credit system (without interest) if the goods and/or services being traded are not on hand — i.e. large things such as ships, an item you’re to build or make but do not currently possess, or an arrangement in the future (“If you cater my son’s wedding reception, I’ll cater yours next March.”) etc etc. This credit system, however, operates on the trust and honor of the parties involved. Flake on a deal once, and it might get chalked up as a mistake or hard times. Flake twice and that’s it, no more credit for you. Have the Thing on hand or no deal.

Uknuk markets are quite noisy due to the negotiations everywhere and while most vendors might take credits, there’s always a few “old-fashioned” ones that only accept trades. They also love a good haggle! Just don’t go too low to start, or you risk implying that what the vendor has is of no true value to you. The general rule of thumb is to offer no lower than 45% below asking price if you know each other, and 30% if you don’t.

#this is probably so incoherent listen I love these little weasels with all my heart #worldbuilding wednesday #xatal galaxy

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timeoutforthee · 7 years ago

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Like it or Not-Chapter 15

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings: referenced self harm, discussion of self-hatred

Looking back on it, Patton won over Paisley and Julia before he even spoke to them, back when they first started the adoption process.

They had agreed to look at all possible choices-no matter what age, what gender, what state of health. They were going to find the perfect fit for their little family, and putting restrictions on who that could be seemed...unnecessary. So when their case worker told them that they had finally, finally, found a child they thought would be a good fit, they set up a meeting as soon as they possibly could.

They were meeting him at a park, with their caseworker and his previous foster family. They had expected him to be on the playground, swinging from the swings, or running through the fake castles. Instead he was at the picnic table with the adults, a stack of paper on one side of him, and a box of crayons on the other.

When he heard footsteps, his head jerked up, making little blonde curls bounce. He smiled.. “Hiiiiiii! Are you Miss Paisley and Miss Julia?”

“We sure are,” Jules had replied, already slipping in across from him. “Are you Patton?”

“Yep!” he giggled.

The foster family held out hands, introduced themselves, and they all followed the rules to ensure Patton was going to be safe and happy. But Paisley kept finding her eyes falling to him, to all the scribbling he was doing. Of course, they weren’t scribbles to him, and finally she couldn’t take it anymore.

“Whatcha drawing?”

Patton looked up, and then held up his drawing. “Issa cat! For Val!”

“Val is another foster kid we’ve taken in,” his foster dad said.

“I’m makin’ drawin’s for all my brothers and sisters,” Patton said. Suddenly, his eyes lit up, “I can make one for you!”

Paisley thinks the right thing to do here is say no, that’s okay, but also she doesn’t want to discourage his creativity.

Also, screw it, she wants a picture.

Patton puts his cat drawing aside, tucked safely under the crayon box with the rest of them so the wind doesn’t blow them away. He stares at the blank piece of paper, and then, carefully, he draws a big heart. He colors it in red, gently, and stays inside the lines as best he can. “A heart for the Harts,” he announces and hands it over. Then he goes, “I can make you one, too, Miss Julia.”

“I would like that very much,” she says, already amazed by this child, “But I would really love it if you could just call me Julia.”

Patton frowns and looks to his foster parents.

“It’s okay, Patton,” they say.

“Okay...Julia and Paisley,” he says, slowly. Then, again, he traces a big heart on the paper, this time it’s pink.

The rest of the meeting is centered around what their next steps might be if they want to continue. Jules and Paisley share looks, because they already know this child is the one that’s been missing in their life.

On the way home, Paisley starts sniffling, which catches her girlfriend completely by surprise.

“I just love him,” she says, which makes Jules smile.

“Good, because I do, too,” she says, leaning over and pecking Paisley on the cheek, “And I love you. And I think this may work out.”

Paisley is not sentimental. Stuff is just that-stuff. But she’ll be damned if she ever gets rid of that heart drawing.

It used to hang up in the bedroom, but now it sits in the top drawer of her nightstand. Sometimes she holds it, as if it’s some sort of anchor.

She holds it on the night her girlfriend dies, before they’re even legally allowed to become wives. She holds it and cries, knowing the next morning she’s going to have to tell their son that she’s all he has left now and that feels so empty.

She holds it the first time Patton tells her he hates her. It starts with a big fight, and she honestly can’t remember the trigger, but he hurls the words at her like weapons, stomps off and slams the door, and she feels like ice. She doesn’t cry, knows that if she does he’ll let the guilt eat him alive. It doesn’t matter, because it does anyway, and he ends up slipping a note under her door explaining he’s been hiding the fact that he’s pansexual and he doesn’t know what to do and he’s scared. She lets go of the drawing and goes to hug him instead.

She holds it at four in the morning after she finds Patton on his knees at midnight. She knows she’s not going to work, she knows he’s not going to school, and she knows she’s going to search all day the next day to find a mental health center that can take him. But besides that, she’s completely lost.

She holds it every night, hoping that one day she won’t hear the creak of his steps as he makes his way down the stairs. She aches for it everytime he lies to her.

Paisley works in a hospital as a phlebotomist. She’s not connected to the mental health side of things, but she’s able to follow some leads, do some research, and find out whatever she can about this illness her son has. And she hates it, because everything she finds tells her all she can do is be there for him, and she’s trying but it’s not working. Is there something wrong with her? Should she find a different therapist? No, this is a process, and this new doctor is trying some new methods, so they’re making progress, it’s just slow. She thinks.

All the research has shown her one thing: Patton really, really hates himself.

And she can’t fathom why, because since the moment they’ve met, she’s loved him. She loved him so much it hurt.

“Mom? Are you...okay?”

Paisley grips the steering wheel a little tighter, breathes a little deeper, then says, “Of course!”

Patton frowns before looking out the window of the car, and she wonders why, why he still feels the need to look after everyone else when he’s the one who’s hurting so badly.

“It’s just,” she says, knowing if she wants him to be open and honest, she must first be open and honest. Unfortunately, she’s not very good at being open and honest, that was always Jules’s territory. “I’m worried about you.”

“Oh, don’t be!” Patton looks over, eyes bright, “I really like group, it’s really helping me.”

“Is Dr. Sanders helping you? Do I need to find a new one?”

“No, no,” Patton says, “He’s really helping, too.”

She wants to ask him why he’s lying to her, but she doesn’t know if that’s the right move. Really, she doesn’t know anything.

That’s what she thinks when Patton gets out of the car and waves at her. She drives over to park, where she’ll wait for him for the entire session. Just like always.

Logan is realizing his new friends are not very subtle.

This is something he realizes when Dr. Picani comes in and asks “what’s new?” and they all respond by looking at him. He sighs. He might as well get this over with.

“I skipped my appointment this week,” he admits.

“Yes, Dr. Sanders mentioned you didn’t show up,” Emile responds, pulling out the notebook, “You say you skipped it?”

“I did,” Logan says, “I had a temporary lapse in judgment.”

“So, is this lapse something you wanted to talk about now or in your individual?”

“I don’t see why I need to talk about it, it’s over.”

“Yes, but if we don’t know what caused it, then what happens if it happens again?”

“It won’t,” Now everyone is avoiding eye contact. “What?”

“Logan, let me ask you a question that I hope you feel comfortable sharing,” Dr. Picani starts, pushing his glasses up with the end of his pen, “How long have you been suffering from your eating disorder?”

“...Three years,” Logan responds.

“Do you think habits, and the things you’ve taught yourself, can be unlearned in a few sessions?”

“Well, I would like it to be,” Logan says, bluntly, before taking a moment to reflect a little more, “I think that’s part of the issue. Healing is going to take so much time, and so much strength, and I just...don’t think I can do it. It’d be easier if I just didn’t have an issue in the first place. So I convinced myself I didn’t.”

“The fact that you’re aware of that is good, Logan,” Dr. Picani says, “I also find it interesting that last session you were talking about invalidation, and you got to the point where you were attempting to invalidate yourself.”

“I...didn’t look at it that way.”

“What happened when you told your mom you weren’t going to therapy? Did she fight it all?”

“No, she forgot about the appointment. She was just grateful we didn’t actually need to leave.”

“So she sees this as more of a chore than something beneficial for you?”

“I...guess,” Logan says, slowly.

“Well, I would like you to discuss this more in your individual with Dr. Sanders, but I think this ties in nicely with what we were planning on talking about this time, which was your support system.”

“Didn’t we talk enough about that last time?” Virgil speaks up.

“Well, as we can see, it’s very clear support systems can have be very impactful.”

“So? We have this now.”

“Well, yes, but ‘this’ is not going to be as helpful if you don’t utilize it.”

“But...we are utilizing it?” Patton says, “Aren’t we?”

“You are using it in a way by showing up,” Emile says, “But I want you guys to realize just how safe you are in here. I want you all to feel like you can talk about anything.”

Virgil thinks back to yesterday, to the cuts on his thigh, and ducks his head, letting his hood fall down over his eyes.

“Patton, Virgil, you’ve said you feel you have a fairly stable support system-”

“Hey! I do, too!”

“Of course, Roman. A fairly stable support system in your family, and you all have the teacher whose room you’re utilizing. You have me and Dr. Sanders, and, of course, you have each other,” Emile says, “So, with all that in mind, if something were to trigger you, where would you go?”

Everyone goes silent.

“I just...I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, you know?” Patton says, “A lot of this stuff feels so...heavy, all the time. I don’t want someone else to have to carry it like I do.”

“But wouldn’t that make it easier to carry?” Virgil asks.

“I...don’t know. And I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone to find out.”

“It does hurt, in a way,” Virgil admits, “To see people you care about suffering, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to help.”

“I find it interesting that you’re the one to say that, Virgil, since Violet has also expressed she wants to help you, yet you don’t feel like you can trust her.”

“That’s different,” Virgil says, immediately.

“How?”

“Because I don’t know her,” Virgil says without thinking. And shit. Now everyone’s expecting an explanation, “Violet is my aunt, but my dad and I were kinda isolated from our family, and she just sort of swooped in one day and since then she’s been making decisions that she thinks are best for me, without even asking me, by the way, and-” he shakes his head. “It’s different.”

“Do you think it’s possible that, even if she doesn’t know you, like you say, that she could care?”

“I mean, I guess. I don’t know why else she’d be going through all this. But she might also just want to be absolved from her guilt.”

“What does she have to feel guilty about?”

“Nice try,” Virgil says, “But we’re not talking about that today.”

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfic #please let me know what you think i worked really hard on this one and i was really struggling for some reason #patton sanders

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likewewereinparis · 3 years ago

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🐣🐨🦔🐢🐄🐸🐧🦭

DID YOU LIKE MY COUNTDOWN!? That was fun! I had fun. That was actually more fun than I thought it would be! There were too many good posts to name. It was very fun reading all your comments and theories. Though side note: animal anon has no problem with people joining her BUT it must be animals and it must not mess with my countdown. No statues! Animal anon does animals, not statues. Side side note: can someone settle the debate of if that emoji is a hedgehog or a porcupine? Because I have no idea. Side note side note side note: sorry if you got multiple asks in a day...my system isn't perfected yet so sometimes I send two (or three) because I forgot I sent one and didn't want to accidently miss anyone (also sorry if i did miss you, still perfecting the system, no one has been animal anon blacklisted, i promise!)

Anyway, GUESS WHAT TODAY IS!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 It's been one year since I started animal anon! How exciting is that?! Phew, what a year we've had together! I mean what better way to start this second year than some chaos since that's how animal anon started to begin with! I will admit, it was slightly stressful coming up with something to meet the occasion of this event. I hope the countdown and this post live up to it. No, I'm not going to reveal myself just yet.. maybe that will be for year 2...😏😏. BUT I will give you some fun facts about me! So let's see; first, I'm from the Midwest (so not Canadian, but close so I do have a slight accent), but I currently live in the TriState area. Second, I am a MASSIVE theater nerd. No, seriously I have been to 21 shows since Broadway reopened in September and I'm actually going to my 22nd tonight. I don't know if this makes that fact better or worse, but I've really only been to about 12 different show because out of those 22, 10 of those are one specific show. Third, I am fluent in German and English. Though, I suck at writing in German, I never learned how to, so don't ask me to do that please. Fourth, my favorite color is red, so you can guess my favorite Taylor album (and coincidently also the show I've been to see 10 times on Broadway...). Fifth, I love to talk A LOT if you couldn't tell by the essays I send yall. And lastly, I can also confirm I am not Taylor...but I will say that I do share something very important with her... tell me your guesses down below as to what very important thing you think Taylor and I have in common, and I'll send some extra animals to whomever I see gets it right first!

So contuining on with my dissertation here, this week I have been trying to figure out a prompt to live up to this occasion. As I already mentioned, my system isn't perfect! And I've been thinking a lot about community lately and how that's been lacking for so many because of Covid. So what I want yall to do is if you get this dissertation of mine, please send a message, post, anon, whatever you want to at least 1 other blog (though you can do more), telling them something you like about them and giving them an animal emoji! That way we can keep spreading the love all day long to as many as possible! 🥰

As always, you are all brilliant, kind, worthy, beautiful and as this past week has shown, hilarious and unique human beings. No seriously, some of your posts had me kneeling over in laughter. If you would so like, you can tag #animalanon so I and everyone can read all your lovely posts! IM STARTING EARLY TODAY SO WE CAN PARTY ALL DAY LONG BECAUSE I LOVE YALL SO MUCH 🎊 🦥🦁🐯

omg hiiiiiii animal anon!! 💜💜💜 so lovely to get your ask

hmmm, my guess for what you and Taylor share... is it your name?

ily, you're very sweet 💕💕

#animalanon #animal anon #ask answered #may.txt (taylor's version)

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