#bean solves

[mismess]

obligatory Napkin Meets The Characters post

[eobe]

Here comes the sun!! 💥 Remember we were talking about Wrecker‘s hugs? This one is clearly the deadliest – poor little cantina soup shinies 😂 You wanted it, so now get WRECKERED! 💣💥

I didn‘t plan this lighting! I just wanted to add some comic style lines for more dynamic and I thought, hm… this looks like Wrecker is shining… Okay, let him shine and decend upon these poor clones like the day of the last judgement 😂 Sorry not sorry for that, I had so much fun!

This is the first time I didn’t have a template for a face! Wreckers face is drawn completely free-handed and now I‘m a proud lil drawing padawan 🙈 Now roast me, what do you think about it 😂🙈

[beanghostprincess]

"The only ones in need of love are those who don’t receive enough. So evil ones should get a little more" - Laplace's Angel (Hurt people? Hurt people!)

Gifting this edit to my wonderful and beloved mootie (and favorite artist, but don't tell them I said that) @the-orion-inexpirience 🩷

[starcrossedandstupid]

Guys, I think we should keep our playlist knowledge to tumblr. Hear me out. The way we found out about the playlist is to me, so classically tumblr. How it was a random post based off a tweet followed by the community taking it into their own hands to find out if it’s real, in a chaotic way I think is a prime example of tumblr culture. Plus, wouldn’t it be fun to have a little Easter egg that’s exclusive to here? Idk man I just think it’s a neat very tumblr thing, that I think would be fun to have as a little tumblr thing

[mirananananan]

another day has come and gone…

and i am still seeing homophobe joel discourse on my feed here and on that godless app twitter.

everyone else has already said what needs to be said imho, so i won’t stir the pot, but i do think it’s indicative of the larger issue in our society:

more of us should really take time to step outside, breathe fresh air, understand that not all media will cater to your individual worldview. in fact, it is very healthy that is doesn’t! this is what makes media interesting and encourages us to empathize with other experiences and see ourselves in them and understand our favorite characters as multi-dimensional and complex human beings.

all of this said, i do not believe joel miller is a homophobe! he loves ellie very much and lashed out in frustration with a thoughtless comment!

[ywpd-translations]

Ride 757: A small tremor

Pag 1

2: Raging waves!!

3: Swirling ocean currents!!

Pag 2

1: Danchiku!!

2: We're now in the land of the decisive battle, Kyushu!! In Shimonoseki!!

Calm down, Issa, this is Moji. Shimonoseki is on the opposite shore, it's in Yamaguchi Prefecture

3: 1000 years ago, the final battle between Genji and Heike happened here

Pag 3

2: You know that because we did it recently in Japanese History? So you were awake....

3: The master fencer Miyamoto Musashi and Sasaki Kotaro had their duel in the close Ganryu Island!!

Ah... almost, but not really. It's Sasaki Kojiro; Kotaro is a friend of yours

5: Here!!

6: Here it's the starting point of the Inter High!!

8: Us!!

Pag 4

1: Let's become the best in Japan

Danchiku!!

Pag 5

2: Uh......!!

I came here just to chaperone you.... and I was wondering what you were you even talking about until now....

3: But this guy's simple words and feelings-

(Let's go see the sea, Danchiku! It's the sea!

Let's go renew our determination!!)

4: -can always shake my heart!!

Yeah, Issa!!

Pag 6

1: The towel is cast!!*

2: It's “the die is cast”!!*

Die is dice and it means “it's already started so you have to move forward”!! To “throw the towel” means to “give up”!!

(*NdT.: here Issa uses two very similar words: he says “saji” while it's actually “sai”)

3: Ahhh, dammit, I'm really so fired up!!

4: Let's go show this excitement to him!!

Him!?

To Doubashi!! Hahaha

Hm... wait, you want to go to Hakogaku's tent!? You want to march inside? Stop, Issa!!

Pag 7

3: We're here

4: Why are you here- during Doubashi-san's massage

See, look, Issa

Sohoku second years!? Don't come into the enemy's tent without even a greeting!

Doesn't matter

5: Let them through

Pag 8

1: It's been a while. I'm so worked up now, Doubashi!!

“san”, na!!

2: He's huge.....!! Hakogaku's third year, Doubashi Masakiyo!!

He sitting down, and yet he looks like Issa that's standing up!!

3: Is it your ring name!? Sanna Doubashi!?

I told you to use the honorific “san, idiot!! Buah!!

4: Was he this huge last year!? ….. no

He got even bigger during this past year!!

5: There are so many injuries in his knees

6: And even on his elbows there are traces of fights...!!

Pag 9

1: I came to tell you how much stronger I got in this past year

Oi, stop, if you say something like this now, you'll definitely regret it later

Nah, I'll say it

3: There's another person

4: Ah....

5: Is he also..... a regular?

6: Ah, Yes, I'm Sohoku's... second year...

Hahaha I'll introduce you!!

7: Is he your partner, Orange?

Hahaha, that's right!!

8: Our team's name is SS!! His name is Danchiku!!

I'm telling you this for your own good

9: Stop

Pag 10

1: This guy's a “chicken*”

(*NdT.: here the literal translation of the kanji used is "weak-hearted", while the reading says "chicken")

Pag 11

2: He'll run away right away

3: Buah!!

4: Road racing half a mental sport!! The distance is long and there'll be a lot of difficult moments. I don't know what kind of runner this guy is, but he's mentally weak and he'll be crushed by the pressure, especially at the Inter High!!

5: He got my weak point with one shot....!!

6: Nah, Orange!! Let's have a serious race, the two of us

Ah!?

And bring a better guy than this!! Ah!?

7: This one's no good, he can't run!!

That's what the sensor in my polished body are telling me

8: Doesn't Sohoku have a reserve!? You should.....

Pag 12

1: Replace him right now

4: Yuuto lost to a guy like this?

Ah!?

Well, I guess you had quite an advantage since it was a rcae in your hometown

Danchiku won!!

5: Would it be better if I was replaced...? No

He's not a bad guy, but.... sometimes he says bad stuff. Last year, too-

6: No, that's not true!!

What am I saying!! I'll run!! I'll be the one running!!

Pag 13

1: In the Inter High!! Together with Issa!!

2: Ehi, welcome back. Did you have fun on your walk?

… yeah

I've done the oiling and the gear check

Did you see the sea?

It was fired up!!

3: Fired up?

The sea was fired up!!

4: “My heart is small”

“Yours is much bigger”

5: Sugimoto-san.....

Once you get dressed could you try ride it?

Pag 14

1: Uhm, Sugimoto-san

3: Hm?

4: Hy.... hypothetically

5: If right now

6: I said I couldn't run, what would you do?

Pag 15

4: Since the day I was chosen as a reserve

5: I haven't taken even one day off practice

7: The members may seem to be in perfect condition, but they could accidentally fall and get injured, or get ill

Be ready to run the moment you know someone can't run, that's what a reserve is

I

8: I spent my time wishing that all my efforts would be in vain

Pag 16

1: I would run for all three days!!

Now I'll put this toolbox down, put on the my cleats and prepare my own bike!!

Can be done in fifteen minutes!!

Pag 17

2: Be prepared!!

4: I-I'm sorry!!

I'm sorry for saying stupid things

5: In road racing a reserve can only be subbed in until the start of the first day

The rules say that you can't change during the race

6: Is that so!?

You didn't know that!?

7: Once the race starts, if someone can't run, he can't be substituted

He retires and the number of people in the tea decreases... that's road racing

8: If your condition isn't good, tell us now

It's more advantageous is all six people run

9: It's alright, if you made that decision

Pag 18

1: No one will blame you

Pag 19

1: This trial run on the course is terrific, Danchiku

The sea is in full view!!

2: That tanker is huugee!!

“No one will blame you”

3: Don't hang your head, don't look down

What a I thinking!!

Raise your head!!

4: Issa is here

5: The Inter High I've longed for

6: “Stop”

“Chicken”

7: The die is cast!!

[oriondec]

I think that my fandom is genuinely dead </3

The On The Hill YouTube channel hasn't posted in a year, and the most recent fanart on here was from a year ago 😭😔

[lunapwrites]

Today in Bean-ventures:

Me: [showing Bean the shape sorter] Here, look, you can put the shapes in the bucket like this-

Bean: [frowns, then removes the lid to the bucket and puts the shape in before dumping all of them on the floor. Looks at me like "idk why you're adding extra steps. Seems dumb."]

Me: ... I mean that also works, yes.

[wanderingmaskdragons]

rainy day bean ☔️

[teachhealth]

Trying to lower our grocery bill (who isn’t), but at the same time, willing to invest in stuff that’ll “pay for itself” over time.

So… bread maker?

Fresh bread sounds awesome and my friend who makes sourdough raves about how much cheaper it is, but I don’t have the time or patience to do what she does. But dumping ingredients into a bread maker sounds like the kind of thing I could do with a newborn strapped to me.

If anyone has one they like, let me know. Currently eyeing one from Costco because I’m trying not to spend money at Target/Walmart/Amazon when I can help it, but Cuisinart has a compact one you can buy directly from them that I also like.

[mismess]

*throws him*

[eobe]

So what is this!? 🤷🏽‍♀️ What is this, me and Wrecker and his soul-soothing and back-cracking hugs, drawing and talking about 😂 So today you get one of my favorite Wrecker hugs and my first drawing of the one and only Captain Rex and finally… TECH 😎

Sorry, but not sorry – you have to deal with my interpretation of his hair, because I love to draw wavy hair ☺️

Have a look on the portait details! I really like to know, what Echo, Hunter and Tech are thinking in this moment. Let me know, what do you guess?

In my opinion, Echo smirks because this is maybe the first time his captain looks small 😂

Poor Rex 😁 Never gets used to hugs and maybe bone-crashing is a hurting thing too… 😀

This frame might be my favorite in this piece 😄🙏🏼 Hunter looks nearly shocked while Tech shows one of his rare little smiles!

In this artwork it’s the first time, I experimented with light on dark inverted shading and with the color pecker in Procreate, but only for the background colors ☺️ Hope you enjoy 🫶🏼

[beannary]

Finished watching a haunting in Venice with my family and the funniest part was how my mom spent the whole movie covering her eyes and plugging her ears while saying it’s too scary it’s too scary

[jensownzoo]

Seed Starting Thursday (one day late)!

Nothing terribly exciting, picture-wise this week. Here I've prepped a nearly 8 foot row for a mix of dill, coriander, and radish behind the tunnel that has my row of pretty old mixed carrot seed (mixed together like 10 half-packets, all different varieties). The dill is the crop plant and the coriander and radish ate there to bolt, flower, and attract beneficials. I'm hoping the coriander will counteract any detrimental effects of planting the carrots and dill roughly 2 feet apart since they're anti-companion plants (antagonists?) for pest reasons I think.

Scraped back the mulch, cultivated the top inch of soil, mixed in a little alfalfa meal to counteract any wood chips that got mixed in, scattered the seeds thickly, raked lightly to mix them in just a bit, watered them in, then sprinkled the row with crushed red pepper flakes. They'll hopefully keep at least the mammalian pests from snarfing up too much seed. Crossing my fingers that hiding the row behind the tunnel cuts down on bird predation--outta sight outta mind?

Figured out that the pest munching on my transplanted bok choy was likely NOT slugs or roly-polys, but instead a singular mouse. Who got a whole Chinese broccoli plant last night. Sigh. I sprinkled them with cayenne pepper temporarily, but I'm going to have to find something to upend over them to protect them during the night presuming the mouse isn't determined enough to dig right under it. Last resort I'll just pull the row cover back and let the neighborhood cats take care of it, but it'd still probably mean the death of my seedlings--either crushed by cat or eaten by opossum/raccoon.

Anyway...today for indoor seed sowing I'm doing some more flower: borage and calendula. I'll direct sowing both of them next month, but tonight notwithstanding (bad storms inbound), it's shaping up to be a dryish spring and I'd like to have some nice transplants on hand just in case.

First forsythia blossom. The bushes won't peak for another week or two so there'll be better (and less blurry) pics later. But this pic also shows one of the nicer things about invasive honeysuckle...it's tendency to green up before most everything else. Which makes it easier to locate the seedlings and yank them up. There are at least two good sized ones here because they were hidden amongst the forsythia and hydrangea branches, but they're exposed now!

Bonus egg brag picture. This is what, two dollars worth now or so? Love my hens.

[aheckinmess]

(One-shot series 2/3 chapters posted - posts regularly on Saturdays. If anyone knows who to credit for the Hizashi fanart, please let me know!)

Read on AO3.

Tags: Graphic violence, Hizashi Yamada x OC, Present Mic, Present Mic saves the day, Hizashi Yamada is a ray of sunshine, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, pro hero to the rescue, fast friends, hibachi date, time for therapy

Word Count: 4,612 words

Summary: Breaking free of Kigai’s control grants Ichijiku the freedom she’s always dreamed of, but recovering from it isn’t easy. With Hizashi’s help, Ichijiku is able to make more progress towards a normal life, and maybe even a normal relationship.

Author's Note: I haven't posted fanfiction in years, but after a two-year obsession with My Hero Academia, I have more than enough content to share. This first series is pretty dark, but there's some comfort and sweetness along the way. Enjoy.

TW: Implied/Referenced Sexual, Physical, and Emotional Abuse, PTSD Flashbacks

Chapter 2: Nightmares & New Horizons

Ichijiku (Tigress)

Sometimes lullabies keep the nightmares away and sometimes Kigai sings them to me in my dreams. Life hasn’t been the same since he’s been locked up. It’s a far cry better, but an adjustment. Still, it feels good to stretch my legs and breathe again.

As days stretch into weeks, I find Hizashi again. He’s sitting on a bench outside the arcade with that huge smile stretched wide, hands behind his head, and head bopping to the beat of his headphones. When I tap him and he opens his eyes, he lights up.

“Ichijiku! Wow, hey!” He immediately gets up and makes like he’s going to hug me, then seems to think better of it and puts his hands in his pockets. “How’ve you been?”

I still find myself glancing around in public to keep a periphery watch out for Kigai, and I can’t stop myself now. The feeling of dread he imparted on me hasn’t left, it’s merely fading into the background. “I’ve been…it’s been a lot of work, you know, trying to move on. But, I think I’m doing okay.” I want to be optimistic about the whole endeavor. My therapist says that’s what’s helped me survive this long: the hope of a better horizon. I want to keep that part of me alive and prove Kigai was wrong about everything.

I want to prove that to myself too.

“How are you?”

“Well, I…I’ve actually been thinking a lot about you.” He admits sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “See, a lot of times we can’t get solid evidence on people like…your ex.” He’s very careful not to say his name. I can’t tell whether I’m grateful for it or not yet. I don’t want to be afraid of him anymore. Wounds take time to heal, Little One. “So they frequently get back out because of how well they hide the damage they’ve dealt.” It’s the first time his smile hasn’t fully reached his eyes as he looks at me, but it’s back in place soon enough. “But I’m glad to see that you’re still on your own and thriving! I mean, look at that outfit! Those curly locks and those sparkling eyes! You’ve made a lot of progress since I last saw you.”

“That means a lot, Hizashi.” A real smile graces my lips. How different he is from Kigai. If it weren’t for people like him…I’d still be stuck in hell. “Hey, why don’t I grab your number? I can keep you updated on things. And I’ll need a friend for certain assignments given to me by my therapist. I don’t really have anyone to keep me accountable for the hard tasks.” Worry and guilt suddenly swirl in my stomach and I stop pulling out my phone midway. “I-I mean. That’s a lot to burden you with, I’m sorry. I should have asked and not offered–”

“Hey, no sweat!” Hizashi looks like Christmas came early. He pulls out his phone, presses the new contact button and taps it against my phone peeking out of my pocket. “I imagine finding new friends…learning what feels like a whole new way of life…that has to be difficult. I’ll gladly help you out when times are rough!” 

“Thanks.” I sigh in relief as I look at the contact number and picture now synced to my phone. I snort. “What is this picture?”

“That’s my best friend’s cat, Cloud! He…got a little too enthusiastic about hogging the camera while I was taking a profile pic.” He laughs.

“It’s adorable!” A notification pops up and I start walking away, giving him a wave. “Oh! Got an appointment, gotta run!” 

“I’ll see you later!”

. . . . .

 Hey, Zashi, Kigai isn’t staring at me from the hallway, is he? I take a picture of the ghost in my hall, frozen with fear as tears glisten on my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Kigai, please go away.” 

His eyes bore into mine. You know the consequences for disobeying me, bitch. You weren’t supposed to tell anyone! I can smell the eucalyptus on his shirt and the minty tang of his gum. “Please, Kigai, I’m sorry…” I whimper, scooting around while feeling for the door to my bedroom. He’s going to hit me. He’s going to punish me so bad! Get away from him, Cub. Get a door between the two of you and lock it.

My phone rings and I bolt. I slam my door behind me and lock it. I search for the first thing I can to put between me and Kigai and start heaving my dresser in front of the door. Then I rush into the adjoining bathroom, lock the door, and hop in the tub, pulling the shower curtain. 

I finally answer the phone. “Zashi?” I choke out. “Zashi, he’s here. I need help.”

“Hey, Ichan, hey. I saw the picture. Kigai’s not there.” Hizashi’s voice swirls in the background. “Take a few deep breaths.”

My body jolts as I hear his voice screaming through the door. You know better than to run from me, whore! “Zashi, he’s trying to get through! He keeps yelling at me, please help…” I sob, clutching my phone close to my ear and clenching my eyes shut tight. “Stop, stop, stop…please, stop, I’m sorry…” I pant, peeking out from the shower curtain and feeling grateful Kigai hasn’t made it through the barriers I’ve set between us.

“Ichan, you’re having a flashback.” Hizashi coos through the receiver. “I need you to take a few good deep breaths for me. Tell me what you see.”

I try to listen. I really do. I suck in a heavy breath through my lips and grip the lip of the bathtub so hard my knuckles turn white. My chest aches on the exhale and I shove my free palm into my eye so hard I see spots. 

“What do you see, Ichan?”

I swallow and pull back, opening my eyes as my body trembles.

“Th-There’s,” You better open this goddamn door, brat! “Th-There’s my shower curtain…and…” Who the hell are you talking to?! 

“What’s on the shower curtain?” 

“Zashi, if he finds out I’m talking to you, he’ll hurt you.” I whimper. I’m scared to hang up the phone and face punishment. I’m scared to keep talking and watch Kigai hunt Hizashi down.

“Ichijiku, what’s on the shower curtain?”

“There’s seashells.” After all I’ve fucking done for you.

“What kind of seashells? What colors?”

“There’s a light pink…and lavender…blue…” I once again peek out the curtain.

And I promptly let out a shriek and throw my phone across the bathroom. What the fuck are you doing in the bathtub hiding from me?! “I’m sorry!” I cry, curling up against the porcelain and covering my head. Rough fingers grip my arm and I hear his voice growling in my ear. You know who you belong to, don’t you? Why the fuck are you letting those nobodies look at you like that?! Pain bleeds through my back as I try to placate him. “Please, Kigai, they didn’t mean it. Please stop.” I’ll stop when you know no one else’s body but mine. His hands grip my thighs and dread settles in my bones.

I don’t know how long he spends growling obscenities in my ear and raking his fingers over every surface of skin he can touch. But I know I hear the door open and my whole body clenches. No. If someone comes in here Kigai’s going to kill them! 

“Ichijiku?” Hizashi’s voice echoes in the bathroom. “It’s me. It’s Hizashi.” 

You know this sleaze just wants to take advantage of you while you’re vulnerable, yeah? You belong to me! I whimper and try to draw air in my lungs. “Zashi, run!” I beg.

“Ichan, take a deep breath.” He says on the other side of the curtain. “Take a big, deep breath. You’re safe. Kigai’s not here.” You fucking whore!

I choke on the oxygen I’m trying to take in but dammit I breathe. I inhale and I exhale. Kigai’s hands tilt back and forth between feeling ghostly and real. I inhale and I exhale. “Zashi, you have to run…” I whimper.

“You’re safe, Ichan.” The warmth in his voice starts wrapping around me again. “Kigai’s not here. You’re safe.”

I inhale and I exhale. I slowly uncurl from my ball when I no longer feel Kigai’s hands roaming my body. I inhale and I exhale. The smell of eucalyptus and mint fades into the rusty smell of the tub. The sound of my air freshener spraying out apple cinnamon seems to emphasize the dismissal of his scent all around me. I inhale and I exhale.

I slowly rise in the tub and ease the shower curtain back.

Sitting against the bathroom wall, Hizashi looks at me with glistening, patient eyes. My phone still sits on the floor right beside him. When he notices I’m looking, he makes a big show of taking a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.

I inhale and I exhale as I sluggishly crawl out of the tub.

“Zashi?” I breathe, looking warily around the bathroom. I creep towards the door, open it, and then hop back out of view. I look in the mirror to see if anyone’s in my room, but it’s empty. “Is he gone?” 

“You’re safe, Ichan.” Hizashi says, looking up at me. “Kigai’s not here.” 

“You’re sure he’s gone?” I whimper, creeping to the doorframe and eyeing every crack and crevice that might be out of place. Nothing has moved except the dresser. “Did you move the dresser?” I ask frantically.

“Take a deep breath, Ichan.” He tells me, and I inhale and I exhale. I listen, and he starts slowly standing up, grabbing my phone along the way. “I picked the lock when I heard you scream. I had to shove the dresser back with the door to get in. I wanted to make sure you were safe, and you are. You’re safe, Ichan. Kigai’s not here.”

Security blankets me and as my pulse evens out, a heavy wave of exhaustion washes over me. My eyelids are harder to hold open and my shoulders sag. He’s not here. He never was. It was a flashback, just like he said. You’re strong, Little Cub. We made it through another flashback. It’s going to be okay. We’re safe now.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Hizashi asks. “Give you a hug? I don’t want to frighten you.”

I survey my emotions and analyze how I’m feeling. When I’ve taken a few more deep breaths and feel more confident, I nod. 

Two, strong arms pull me into a warm chest. I hear the steady beating of Hizashi’s heart and close my eyes, drinking in the security that just being near him brings. I breathe in time with that strong beat of his heart. 

“You’re safe.” He whispers, and I squeeze him a little tighter. Please don’t leave. 

“I’m sorry.” A few of my tears decorate his shirt. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” He croons, rubbing up and down my back. “Flashbacks can be vivid. I’m just glad I was able to help. You don’t have to worry about him anymore, though. I’m here.” 

. . . . .

For the next few weeks, my therapist asks me to write down detailed accounts of my flashbacks so we can analyze my triggers and try to minimize them. It sucks, but writing them down helps us figure out that eucalyptus is in the Stress Relief pillow mist I use and causes most of my flashbacks at night. We also learn that I’m more sensitive to auditory triggers, like songs he used to play in the car or abrupt loud sounds.

It doesn’t happen every time, thankfully, which is good considering Hizashi’s been trying to help me acclimate to a normal life. He’s been taking me out to different places in the hopes of showing me the finer points of life. We’ve been to the arcade, had a picnic in the park, and he’s even taken me to a music store and serenaded me while playing the piano. I’ve also met a few of his friends: Nemuri, Shouta, and Oboro.

Both myself and my therapist are impressed with the amount of help he’s offered to my situation. We’re both cautiously optimistic, though. 

Kigai started out all sunshine and rainbows, too, after all. 

Which table are you at? I text Hizashi as I step into the hibachi restaurant. The heat of the room feels good as the impending winter sets in. I love cold weather. I look around for a pair of familiar orange sunglasses. 

Hey! The table in the far back. You won’t be able to see me from the front.

I start heading that way, and smile when his yellow eyes meet mine. I’ve never been more grateful to hear blissful silence accompanying a tender gaze.

“Hey, glad to see you found the place okay.” He hops up the second he sees me and pulls the chair out for me to have a seat. It’s been a while since I’ve been pampered by an actual gentleman. “This place has a great atmosphere, and the food is amazing!”

“Yeah, it’s really warm and vibrant.” I agree as I get situated in the chair and he pushes me in. I twirl a piece of hair around my finger nervously as I look around at the crowd of people at other tables. What if they’re watching me? Kigai will– He’s not here, Dear One.

“Look at me.” Hizashi says, staring across the table and drawing me in with his essence. “There you go. No need to worry. I’m here.”

“Thanks.” I chuckle nervously, still twirling my hair as a comfort. “What would you recommend from here?” 

“You’ve got to try the freckled lemonade. Unless you’re allergic to strawberries. Then, don’t.” Hizashi laughs, opening his menu. “But aside from that, the shrimp hibachi is killer! I’m salivating just thinking about it.”

I’ll grab the shrimp hibachi then, as it’s probably the simplest and one of the cheaper menu items. I wasn’t exactly left with a lot in my bank account to compensate for what Kigai took from me. I think with some financial anxiety. 

Once we’ve made our decisions and the waiter has taken our orders, there’s a group of girls that walk by laughing. One of them gives me some side-eye and I instantly start fussing with my outfit. I pull up the shoulders of my burnt orange blouse and adjust my cardigan. Fatass. You know if you ate less I might have fewer men looking at your thick curves.

“You look gorgeous.” Hizashi says, and I snap my head up with worry. He flushes and holds up his hands, waggling them nervously. “I-I mean, you seemed worried about those girls and I just wanted you to know that you didn’t have to fix up anything. They were probably just jealous that you look so good…I-I mean! Well…oh man…” He rubs his shoulder as he fumbles over his words.

“It’s okay, Zashi.” I also flush, but only because I don’t think I’m worthy of his flustered manner. “I’m probably just overreacting anyway. I can’t…seem to turn off my anxieties.”

“It’s to be expected. You’re doing great based on what you’ve gone through.” He reaches across the table and squeezes my hand, rubbing his thumb over the sensitive skin there. “You don’t have to be afraid around me.”

“I know.” I breathe, looking at our hands and feeling  a strange combination of terror and warmth. Am I afraid of how good he makes me feel? You’re afraid of getting close and getting hurt again. I don’t want to be afraid of Hizashi. 

“I’m sorry.” Hizashi pulls his hand back and gives me a smile. “I forget that touch is still hard for you. As I’m sure you know now, I’m a dramatic and expressive person. If I ever make you feel uncomfortable, please let me know.”

“You don’t.” I promise, looking up at him and instantly regretting the absence of his touch. “I’m…just scared.” I look down. “I’m scared of getting too close to you. I enjoy your company, but I’m afraid you’re too good to be true. I’m afraid you’ll either end up like Kigai or I’ll do something wrong and you’ll leave.” My eyes start watering.

The silence between us stretches on as we eat our food and Hizashi looks thoughtful over his next words. When he swallows a bite of rice, he opens his mouth to speak again.

“I can’t make you trust that I’m not like Kigai. That’s something I know will come with time. But I can do my best to reassure you that even if you do something to upset me, I’m willing to communicate with you and not just leave you.” He opens and closes his mouth a few more times before sighing. “I care about you too much as a friend to leave you without trying to save the relationship first.”

When the words as a friend cut to my heart, I understand why I’m so scared. I take a deep breath. I’m falling in love with him, and I’m scared. You’ve been hurt. You’re allowed to be afraid…but you’re also allowed to love again. I don’t know if I’m ready to love again. And that’s okay. You can take your time. But I don’t want to lose him, either. I don’t know if I’m ready to watch him find love with someone else, but I don’t know if I’m ready to claim him as my own. I’m too scared. Then tell him that. In those words. I can’t…

I fix my face into a smile. “Thank you, Zashi.”

For the rest of dinner, I stew over my thoughts while I laugh at Hizashi’s jokes and stories. Between the ambient atmosphere and his glowing presence, I feel full of optimism as he walks me home.

It’s while I’m digging for my keys at the door that he throws me for a loop.

“Hey, um, Ichijiku?” His voice shakes, which is unusual for him.

“Yes, Hizashi?” I turn, pulling my key ring from my purse. 

He takes a step forward until he’s close enough I can smell his cologne. 

“I know that you’re going through a lot right now, and I want you to know that I’m proud of you for pushing through.” At first, he seems ready to leave it at that, but he opens his mouth again and looks at me with pink cheeks. “So, I have no right to ask this given what you’ve already gone through, but is it okay if I kiss you?”

I hold my breath. My chest gets tight and my muscles seize. You belong to me, got it? “Hizashi…”

“If the answer is no, that’s okay.” He says quickly. “I’m not trying to force you into anything and I certainly don't want to bring up any unhappy memories for you. I just…couldn’t go any longer without seeing where you stood. I was scared if I waited too long, I might lose the opportunity.”

Why does that sound exactly like what I was thinking in the restaurant? How do I tell him that I love him but I’m not ready? Say exactly that. Once the ground beneath me stops swaying and the beat of my heart returns to normal, I look up at him.

“Zashi, the answer is no…but not because I don’t have feelings for you.” I watch as his eyes dim and light up again. “I don’t know if I’m ready to make that kind of commitment. I want to be. I wish I could tell you yes, but I can’t.” I reach up and caress his cheek. His hand wraps around mine as he leans into my hold, his expression akin to that of an adoring puppy. “And it’s not fair of me to want you this much and ask you to wait for me.” My voice gets tight. I want you to hold me and keep me close, but I’m afraid if I let you, you’ll choke me. And I’m not worth the wait. I’m not worth the work and the effort so I know you’ll walk away and I’m sorry. “So, you don’t have to wait for me. But if it’s any consolation, I think I have it in me to do this.” I lean up on my tiptoes, and place a tearful kiss on his cheek.

“I love you, Hizashi, even if you’re not meant to be mine.” I swallow thickly and turn away to unlock my door before disappearing inside.

. . . . .

Hey, Ichi, can we talk?

Ichan, are you there?

I’m going to grab frozen yogurt later, want to join?

I’m starting to worry about you. Can you at least tell me if you’re okay?

Ever since the night we’ve had dinner, Hizashi has still checked in on me regularly. I’ve been trying to distance myself in the hopes that by doing so, he’ll stop trying to reach out and move on with his life. 

He proves to be rather stubborn.

I’m sorry if I’ve worried you. I’m fine. I finally send, not wanting him to think I’m in any sort of trouble.

I’m glad to hear it! The response comes in seconds. Are you free?

That’s where I stop. I can’t entertain this. I’ve already told him that he’d have to wait for me, and I’m not worth the time. Shouldn’t he get to decide what’s worth his time? 

I hug my knees to my chest on the couch and stare out the window overlooking the city. Everything is colder now that winter’s hit. Frost paints the windowpane and people walk down the streets blowing smoke from their lips. The cold would be much more enjoyable if I had Hizashi’s warmth to complement it.

My jaw clenches as frustration mounts. I don’t want to push him away but… Then why are you? Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be? Shouldn’t I be proud of myself for communicating my needs clearly? My therapist is certainly proud I’ve set boundaries and worked on coping skills. With all of this handled, we’ve been able to work on how to respond to my flashback triggers and implement strategies to work through them. 

But even she thinks I’ve been a little extreme cutting all communication with Hizashi. 

Yeah, I’m free. I send the text before I can talk myself out of it and then pull my blanket around myself to hide from whatever might follow.

A knock sounds at my door. I peek out from under my blanket as my breath catches.

“Who is it?” I call.

“The one! The only! Hizashi Yamadaaaaaaaa!”

One voice. One voice and spring blossoms in my veins amidst the cold winter storm. 

When I open the door my body moves on instinct. There is no thought in my mind when my arms reach out and pull him in. There is no question or hesitation when tender arms meet my back and squeeze tight. There is only Hizashi.

“You never let me answer that night.” He breathes in my ear, before pulling back and tilting my chin up. His expression is inescapable. “I love you, too, Ichan. You’re worth waiting for.”

“I’m so sorry.” My chest quivers. “Hizashi, I’m so sorry. I was afraid.”

“I know.”

“I thought you’d want a better life without me.”

“That life doesn’t exist for me. Not if you’re out of the picture.”

“I’m not worth the wait.”

“You’re worth the world, lovebug.”

I hug him for the next three minutes, thanking God for His mercy and kindness, and I thank God for Hizashi. He feels so good. I don’t ever want to leave. Why don’t you start there then? The idea comes to me quite by surprise, and I look up at Hizashi with newfound hope burning in my chest.

“Hey, Hizashi?”

“Yes?” His thumb strokes my cheek.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for a kiss…but would you settle with cuddles on the couch?” 

The corners of his lips turn up into that heartstopping grin. “I’d love that.”

. . . . .

We start small. For the first few weeks, we’re barely close enough for it to be considered cuddles. I mainly sit by him and rest my head on his shoulder. Gradually, however, we start making some headway. Leaning on his shoulder turns into sitting in his lap and curling under his chin, which turns into laying beside him, which turns into fully wrapping myself around him and taking well-earned naps.

It’s a little scary at first, being so close to him. I imagine it a little like being too close to the sun, always on the lookout for getting burned. But he’s attentive, gentle, and patient. When a small miscalculated move makes me flinch or freak out or freeze, he’s apologetic and understanding.

And thus, we manage to move into those bigger steps together. Doubts and fears of Kigai become less pervasive the more Hizashi shows me he’s not going to hurt me. With each passing week as he proves it, I find myself more and more open to his touch. I find myself more expectant of it. But most of all, I find myself more eager for it.

“Ichi, where’d you get this beanie? I need one!” Hizashi turns the blue and orange striped beanie in his hand.

“That? I made it. You can have it if you want.” I chuckle, wrapping my arms around his middle and sighing into his back. “It was meant to be a craft experiment. But it turned out sort of ick yucky.”

“Ick yucky? It’s magical!” He uses my token phrase as he pulls the beanie on and poses. “What do you think? Am I runway ready yet?”

I reach my fingers under the beanie and give his hair a good ruffle, effectively messing up his hair and sending the beanie to the floor. “Now you are.”

“Wa–heeeeeyyyyyy!” He pouts and bends down to look at me with sad puppy eyes. “How am I supposed to look like a model now?”

One moment I’m giggling at his antics and the next my lips press against his. My fingers wind up his chest and around his neck and I’m hanging onto him like he’s my last chance at oxygen. When his hands move to my hips, I’m violently yanked back into reality and I pull back hard, gasping.

“I’m sorry. Should I have stopped you?” Hizashi reaches out for me, but doesn’t close the distance. “Do I need to give you some space?”

“Was that your first kiss?” I blurt, before hiding my face as Hizashi’s face wavers between his and Kigai’s. I take a few, steadying breaths and Hizashi is himself again. “I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I don’t…know what came over me.”

There’s a sad smile on his face. I don’t like it. His features don’t model sadness very well. It doesn’t fit him.

“It’s okay. No, it wasn’t my first kiss, I regret to say.” He looks sheepish before his eyes sparkle. “But it was definitely the best kiss.”

A few moments pass. I did it. I wasn’t thinking about it, but I did it. And it didn’t trigger anything. Maybe…I could try again…I think I want to.

“If I move slowly…do you think we could try that again?” I ask.

“Please.”

So we do. I taste him again and spring blossoms into summer. Sunshine sinks into my veins and hope blossoms in my chest. Light brightens the dark fear in my mind and joy sings through my heart.

And Hizashi doesn’t let me go.

Continue Reading -> Ch. 3

[gwynbleiddyn]

sighs i feel so. bad. about playing destiny

no matter how much i try i havent been able to find a group or a niche that consistently runs a) same time as me and b) is actually co-operative with my disability and doesn't just delegate me to random backfill or ad clear

like i spend hours learning dungeons and raids only to not do them. i'm so willing to teach if people have a little patience. i've been kicked from so many lfgs once they realise i'm not on comms. people say it isn't an issue but it absolutely is and nobody seems interested in navigating it and it makes me so freaking sad that one of my all time favourite games is so fucking unplayable to me