#but I am very much not the normal poster and want to make my existence known so

[chaos-in-one]

Devastating news: The most kindhearted, caring person you know thinks that they're a terrible person

[light-wrath-paradise]

No I am pretty sure it actually isn't the norm to make a movie poster for your My Hero Academia OCs but go off I guess

everyone should be weirder about their ocs more.

[blueivyy99]

Sylus? No ... Skye? (Part 1.5)

Sylux x NonMC

summary: you didn't know that your lovely sweetheart is the most wanted man in all of Linkon. you knew him as Skye. one year with him was bliss, then suddenly he ghosted you.

tags: slight angst, sylus as skye, non mc reader, sky is missing, reader is worried, just a filler showing her thoughts about this whole missing thing, SHORT CHAPTER. Very Short. You have been warned

taglist: @animegamerfox @lazypostfandomer @mentaltrouble2201 @sillyfreakfanparty @yunhogrippers @yuurisfavblog @codedove @babygirl-panda19 @eolivy @picnicinthegarden @junni-berry @wrimaira @mcdepressed290 @berryjuicyy @eugenekori @lighting-and-shadow @moonlight-inthe-sea @kiri-tuk @huuvu @ruyaya @silverianni @tinyweebsstuff @flameo-hotman12 @pines06 @poptrim @lazeriii @librarydame @ixloom819 @coolprincejelly @cupid-gene @rokuxx6 @dummiebunny @anixx1 @mimui3usoft @silver--47 @beesin03

Masterlist

You were seething. Seething.

No texts, no calls. Nothing! Skye just vanished like he didn’t even exist. You tried going to every fruit stall he owned and even asked the staff if they saw him but no one answered. No one even seems to know him. 

You tried calling his number but you always get voicemails and you had no way of tracking him down and it has been two weeks. The most time he was gone in the past was only one week and that’s because of a business trip he had advised you beforehand. 

Skye, if I ever get a hold of you again, I will strangle you to death! 

You don’t want to think that he has ghosted you. No, your Skye wouldn’t do that. He is an honest man. Someone that rarely even lies so you were so sure that if he ever comes to the retaliation that he doesn’t love you anymore or doesn’t wanna see your face every again, he can tell you that straight to your face.

So for him to just disappear in thin air is worrying you. This is not normal. 

Two weeks and a lot can happen and you don’t want to think of the worst. 

So you plan to go to the authorities in Linkon.

You were getting ready while printing missing posters with his face on it when an odd looking crow kept hitting on your window. You looked at it and it had something on its beak. 

A piece of paper.

“Hey buddy, what are you doing here?” you said as you opened the window. “Are you trying to give this to me?”

“Caw!” you giggled when it answered. 

“I see, I see. If you got the wrong address, it’s not my fault.” you took the paper in its beak and it flew away quickly. Curious, you opened it and your hands shook. 

Sweetie, I’ll be back. Something happened with the deliveries. Phone got crushed. I’m sorry, I love you! Skye

You looked at the letter in disbelief. This is his handwriting, alright but somehow it pisses you off even more, then slowly hot tears streamed down your face. You’re feeling a lot of things. You’re relieved he is alive, he is well and has somehow reached out to you but at the same time, this is all so ridiculous. You love him so much and it makes you worry when he does things like this. You’re not stupid, you know there is something going on that he is not telling you, but a year of being with him and this occurs almost every month it’s getting tiring.

Loving him is easy but with these things going on, your trust is slowly chipping. 

Once a month he will always be away, he will go no contact, no text, no calls and he will be back with a bouquet of peonies. Not tell you what happened, only saying things like inventory, delivery problems or business trips. You didn’t push him any further especially when he is so eager to change the topic. You trust him and you believe that he is saying the truth but times like this makes it even harder to trust him. 

Then a thought came.

What if he’s married? 

Like, it makes sense. What if he has a child and a wife overseas? He is rich, of course he can live a double life. Is that why he is always away? Is that why he’s so mysterious? 

Am I his mistress? 

You paced in your room looking at the missing posters you printed earlier, this seems useless now because of that letter and the thought that he is married is worming in your brain. You walked up to it with heavy strides and threw it away in the trash wiping your tears as you did so. 

You know maybe you’re overthinking this, but as long as he won’t tell you the truth and talk to you, your mind wouldn’t be at ease.

note: i will update again within 24rhs. i have time to spareee tho it won't be as long as usual, but we'll get there

[gridgamesgalore]

really need to make my introduction post but im currently insane right now so I have to go on a tangent

[ note; this will not be professional writing pls bear w/ me i misspell things on purpose unless pointed out by myself so pleek pleeek ( i also refer to xfohv as jnj sometimes for clarification ) + there will be mentions of learningblocks related content just a heads up before any people call me weird for fixating on a " show for toddlers " ]

hello !! lowjay the order the karnage here !! so um ,, im here to talk about the 2 , 763 , OOO JnJ sub special ,, that shit was absolutely phenomenal .. insane even .. it altered my brain chemistry and I HAVE to talk about it ,,

spoilers for the 2 , 763 , OOO special if you haven't seen it ♡♡♡ (please watch it pleek)

I really need to mention this creature's appearance first . ALGEBRALIEN TWENTY-FOUR IS CANON !!! OH MY GOD THIS GUY IS SO RAHHHH !! /VVVVPOS lowjay try not to get attachrd to the most random characters / things ever !! ( impossible) THIS CREATURE IS MAKING ME TWEAK OUT ,, EXPECT A GIJINK OF THEM SOON!! /BALL (fun fact !! one of my closest moots calls them gijinks of algebraliens jnjinkas ♡♡♡ /silly)

( just want to let yall know i crosship them and twenty-four nbs ♡♡ is that oak ,, I love being a multishipper )

NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT arguably the most important ever piece of lore in jnj / beefydie history has to be the canonical powerful being 2763 ♡♡♡ this creature is so silly :ball:

[ next paragraph will be a somewhat lengthy tangent about a crossover au w/ beefydie + nbs ( numberblocks woah ! ) so pleek listen ]

so w / this information about 2763 being the canonical powerful being of the beefydie , i wonder .. does this mean that if 97104 got figured out they would be one of the powerful beings of nbs ?? ( ahem the others are one , zero , and possibly forty-two because hitchhiker ' s guide to galaxy hh ) THINK ABOUT IT ♡♡♡♡♡ PLES PLEEK (fun fact !! the digits of 97104 added up together equals 21 ! /info !! is this the reason she is curious to find out new explorer ?? spoiler warning ; probably not i just might be mentally ill ) /ball ,, ANYWAYS ,, what i was getting to is that the plot of this au is basically just both nbs 24 and algebralien 24 grouping up w / several other people (will decide that later because I literally just thought this au up an hour after the special) to overcome the dreadful disasterly deeds of 97104 and 2763 ♡♡♡ (captain underpants ahh alliteration) yeah all that hype for nothing ♡♡ sorry i just really need to share this ♡♡♡ trust trust TRUST i will make fanart of this au TRUST ♡♡♡ /SILLY

( THESE TWO ARE CANON TRUST )

this isn't really a big thing but more of an honorable mention ♡ I really liek the zero ' we can do it ! ' poster ♡♡♡ i find propaganda posters interesting in general ♡♡♡ /gen /pos

( i know what you are ,, fifteen simp ,, )

another long yapping session but I NEED to talk about my joyous enthusiasm ,, I'm so happy that in the jnj / xfohv / beefydie verse algebralien tweb is an important piece of lore which makes me hfhdhsjjsjekrghhhGRRRRR ,,,, froth at the mouth ,, because I dont think you guys understand how much the number tweb in general means to me ,, not only is tweb the first ever whole number to have 6 factors [ rectangly number in bluezoo terms ] their debut in nbs most likely highly impacted the learningblocks community in general ,, nbs tweb is so cool and the existence of the peak number system dozenal and the passage of time revolving around tweb and numbers RELATED to tweb [ PLEASE watch the about time special even if you aren't interested in nbs or already know it's very silly trust ] and yeah and did i mention the dozenal system hhhh [ as you can see i am very normal about different number bases / radixes ] /VVVPOS

( silly !! )

ending off w / an honorable mention ,, algebralien 63 !! they are really cool woah ♡♡ I really lobe when jnj introduces new algebraliens ♡♡♡ /vpos

anyway that was my long yap session ,, I realy hope you liek my existence of here ♡♡♡♡ this special changed my life and I am literally feeling ball rn ♡♡♡

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Wednesday my lovely readers :) We’ve reached the episode that rocked me to my very core. Honestly haven’t been this attached to a ship in a very very long time. Years passed without this level of attachment. Bringing out sides of me I didn't think existed. Like doing reviews. But our ship is something special even when they rip our hearts out. I blame Eric and Melissa LOL They are INCREDIBLE in this episode. The both of them. Brought their A game and then some.

This ep legit affected my mood for 3 weeks no joke and utterly destroyed me. I needed extra days to decompress before did my mini. The fandom was so lovely about that too. Love this fandom so much. I still don't know how I got that out tbh lol Also God Bless my bestie D for going through that with me. I got to watch it early that day which normally didn’t get to. Was usually after work. I remember D wanted to stop me but didn’t cause she couldn’t tell me why..

I had to go to a company meeting after and pretend I wasn’t devastated. Be a positive fun leader when inside I was dying. I did a good job my team had no idea lol But damn that was tough. Never been happier for a 3 week break than after this one. We all needed it. Let us begin. And thank you all again for going through this heartbreak with me. Gif count was rough for me so I fit in everything I could and made a ton.

6x06 Secrets and Lies

We start out with Lucy looking as stressed and anxious as we’ve ever seen her. Laying in bed but most definitely is not resting. The brutal toll this situation has taken becoming visible. When Tamara asks how stressed she is from 1-10? Lucy answering 19….Ooof....Could not be more relatable if she tried. When I get this laser focused I too am a nineteen. Her person has been radio silent for days. Her last contact with him was a massive knock out drag out fight.

This is the most time they’ve spent apart since they got together. Like I stated last review other than 6x01 they've scarcely been away from one another. Her UC mission in 5x21 yes but doesn’t really count. They talked every single day. So it’s truly the longest they’ve been apart. No wonder she is at a 19. Poor Lucy. Kills me. Such a wreck without him. Tamara asks if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy tries to defend their situation. Not well but she sure tries lol

Lucy is barely keeping it together and it shows. I love that we get a shot of her pin-up board from that BTS video. The cupcake poster hehe Hopefully that makes a triumphant return in s7. Tamara doesn’t want to add to her stress... But let's her know she wants to move out. With friends from school. Worst timing ever. It makes sense but the timing is horrendous. Lucy takes so many hits this season. It’s almost worse the second time around somehow.

This time Lucy goes to an actual adult about Tim. Not useless Nolan who was painfully inept for her. Couldn’t fit it in but we see her touch her tattoo when she approaches Angela. *heart clutch* I love Melissa for doing it every time though. So subtle yet impactful. Nice little mini gut punch to start the scene. This was the right call though. If anyone knows Tim like her it’s Angela. Lucy asking if she should alert Grey? Honestly she should've but here we are. That would've been a whole other set of problems though...

Lucy feels like she’s going insane so Angela validating her helps. (at first) You know she finds this behavior of his incredibly alarming. We can see the immediate worry painted across her face. That’s her brother. She loves that man like he’s one. What sucks is that, even though Angela is empathetic, she doesn’t fulfill the needs that Lucy is going for. Which is reassurance and 'Hey let’s do this together.' A united front. Hoping since he is acting off Angela's reply would be 'Let's find out why as a team.' She is protecting her but Lucy is in a heightened emotional state and doesn't see that. Only see's being shut out further from Tim.

Angela plays her cards very close to her chest. Like a good detective would. Sadly Lucy wanted more solace than just ‘Trust him.’ That’s all she’s been doing for days. Poor woman is going out of her damn mind with worry. Even tells Angela as such. The reply she gets back not what she wanted… She wanted her detective gut and friendship. Unfortunately she just gets the former. That short lived validation she got earlier dying off quickly. Lucy is so damn upset when she takes off from the convo. Knowing if she sticks around she’s going to cry on shift. My damn heart. Melissa be killing me. Holy hell.

Angela scaring the crap out of Tim is hilarious. Serves him right tbh. This episode had me so upset and twisted, I couldn’t even enjoy scruffy Tim in a leather jacket. You know something is wrong when I can’t gawk over this man. Angela has zero trouble finding him. Because well it’s her. This is why Lucy enlisted her. She needed the best to help her. Such best friend behavior from the minute she enters his car.

Drinking his soda, calling him out, and asking WTF is going on? I adore her brazen bravery. This is why we love Angela Lopez. Willing to get herself fired for him. That she can take the hit not Lucy. I mean she’s not wrong….Angela could easily live off Wes. She would hate it but she could. It's a more viable option. Says it can be ‘Wine o’clock for her.’ LOL I always enjoy them. More of them in s7 please writers.

Tim doesn’t argue with her reasoning. Starts to explain the whole Ray debacle. Why he can’t just let him go. What he has on him. That he needs to catch him in a new crime. So he has reason to actually arrest him. Once Tim fully explains Angela just replies. ‘I’m in.’ Tim is shocked because of course he is ha Even though she is his best friend he can't believe has his back like this. Oh my broken boy. He double checks and asks if she’s sure? Her reply being the absolute best. ‘Yeah. I got your back boo.’ Hehe Lucky she’s your best friend my love.

We rejoin our bestie duo at the docks. Scoping out Ray on whatever back door deals he’s doing. She is studying Tim hard in this scene. It’s the best. Angela tries to impart some logic to Tim. Saying he’s followed Ray for two days and nothing. Asking how long he’s going to do this? Tim replying the most Tim Bradford reply. ‘As long as it takes.’ Angela is on her game today and doesn’t let him get away with it. Saying he’s just going to walk away from his job? From his relationship with Lucy? All to arrest a guy he hasn’t thought about in over a decade?

Something isn’t adding up for her and she is letting him know it. Angela gives her patented look. Knowing it’s something more. There’s a reason she’s such a good detective. Woman knows how to get to the root of things. Tim has only given her surface info at this point. Definitely not enough to justify this crusade he’s currently on. Let’s him know Lucy would understand why he lied on the report. She would even commend him for it really. We know she would. She love his soft heart so much. Tim agrees and says she would still get in trouble for knowing and not reporting him to IA.

A risk she would gladly take if you’d let her Timothy… It’s here Angela digs a little deeper. He gets a second stare. Tim finding it aggravating and telling her as such. Angela let's her next truth bomb drop. Saying he’s doing it to protect himself as much as her. That there’s something he’s not admitting. Mic drop. Nailed it and Tim knows it but won’t entertain it further. Has him dead to rights and he knows it. We then get the glorious BFF line. Like it or not she is. lmao Has your number just like your girl.

We return to Angela’s for Tim to break our hearts some more. Theme of this episode. One punch after another. Literally no time to breathe unless you check out during the other SL's. Which I did tbh.... They’re alone so she probes Tim further. Knowing that it has to be so much more than a report. He wouldn't let Ray get under his skin like this if it was that shallow. That he's bearing the weight of something on his soul. Tim gives in and begrudgingly explains what happened. That he had been squad leader most of his tour. That he was looking to move up to Sergeant First Class. Only caveat was he couldn’t have any rampant criminality in his unit.

Ray was in the way of this. Tim decided to keep it within the squad if they caught him themselves. He did an unsanctioned mission… Oh Timothy….He explains how Ray called in an air strike on them. Did this the minute he knew he was trapped. Schmuck would rather take them with him. Such a cowards move. The way Tim describes the air strike. Ugh my heart. His eyes filling up as he depicts how the world imploded around them. Eric is a master of emotion here. So expressive. Looks like he is right back there, with the most haunted look on his face. He thought he was going to die. Being so vulnerable I wanna hug him.

He and Mark were lucky though. The Humvee took the hit for them. But Henderson and Coyle were ripped apart….Ugh and now we see what he’s been bearing. That he led his men to their deaths. Their loyalty and faith in him had cost them their lives. All because Tim was in pursuit of a promotion. For personal glory. Explains why he wouldn't praise himself or take awards pre-Lucy. Or advance his career before her either. He didn’t feel he deserved anything good. Because the last time that was important to him, he got two of his men killed. Imma go cry now.... My poor broken boy. The PTSD is so real.

Eric continues to rip my heart out. Telling Angela there was so much blood. I can't imagine seeing that. They for sure thought Ray was KIA. No way he survived. It’s the way he catches his breath, tears in his eyes in this next part. I'm so upset for him. The way he points at himself when he says leadership. The failure and shame he feels for what he did. When we found out it would be his military background I was excited. I knew it would be dark though. Whatever this was. But my god. I wasn’t expecting it to be this. But makes perfect sense why he’s kept it from Lucy. He can’t bring himself to forgive what he did. How could he expect Lucy to? To still look at him like he’s the same man she fell in love with?

The deep rooted shame is evident in this scene. This is quite the weight to keep on your soul. One I’m sure he’s never told anyone. Not even Isabel about I bet. My guess is he buried it once he was state side. Like most do with trauma. Hoping it would never resurface. Sadly not how trauma goes... The way he tells the story it’s for the first time. You can tell. He’s right back there re-living it all. This scene gives us so much insight to Tim as a person. Why he is the way he is as a cop. As a person. It explains why he lost his damn mind in 2x01 over Lucy falsifying the report. Probably brought him right back there.

This is a very revealing scene. It makes sense why he shoulders things alone. It’s punishment for what he did. Doesn’t think anyone could love him enough to shoulder it with him. That breaks my damn heart. This ep makes me so emotional. *sad sigh* Nothing scarier than the person you love seeing you at your worst. With his background of abuse, it makes sense why he’s hidden this from Lucy. He doesn’t feel worthy of the comfort she would bring him. Only shame that he made a mistake. Tim is very self loathing and this is why. Coupled with his childhood it makes so much sense why he is the way he is…This one is emotionally heavy af. All his unchecked trauma barreling through like a bullet train in this ep.

Lucy arrives home and Tamara is there to take care of her. Saying she ordered pizza. I love this. She needed this. Lucy leaves the room to drop off her stuff. We hear a knock at the door and it’s Ray.... Earlier he scanned Tim’s vehicle and got Lucy’s address. Which made me sick to my stomach. I knew him grabbing it was going to end this way. Best way to get to Tim is through his heart. When Tamara opened the door and it was him..The hairs at the back of my neck stood up. Tamara calls out for Lucy. She emerges and goes into protect mode right away. Eyes on Tamara first but also hating her gun is locked up.

Heart was in my damn throat the entire time. Lucy handles herself like the bad ass we’ve all come to know and love. Commend her for keeping herself composed when she was terrified. I also adore her not putting up with any of his scare tactic BS. Her line about the only call she’s gonna make is for the ambulance. Like hot damn Lucy. Way to protect Tamara and yourself. It's true she could take his scrawny ass easily. I long to be the confident BAMF she is.

Doesn't hurt she’s still got the rage burning from being in the dark. So not only is her life being threatened now Tamara's is. This is Lucy's FINAL straw. It’s now bled over in the worst way. Not only that but she still has no idea what’s going on. We can see that mama bear come out loud and proud. It’s one thing for her to be involved it’s a whole other thing with Tamara dragged in. This is what pushes her to reach out To Tim. To cut his crap. Whatever this is has now endangered an innocent life. One she loves fiercely and will die to protect.

Lucy RAGE calls Tim and unleashes hell. As she should… Demanding to know where his ass is. Tim knowing he can’t hold her back any longer. So he lets her know. I mean Lucy is million percent done with this crap now. With his behavior, him cutting her out, all of it. So very very done. Rightfully so. I do love him answering ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ Knowing she wouldn’t be calling unless something was. He for sure would’ve dropped it all to go to her.

But she was way too pissed to see that fact. She shows up like a bat out of hell. Biting his head off immediately saying 'Does she look ok?' No….she does not. Forever love Angela escorting Tamara out of the room. Mom and dad about to have it out so let's go. The concern all over his face kills me though. This was the last thing he wanted to happen. The very thing he was striving for by shutting her out backfired horribly. Not only did he endanger her but Tamara too.

It was Lucy’s final straw and she is showing it. These were the types of fights that are needed though. As much as this hurts she is fighting him to save them. Because he is worth the bother and effort. Just like he stated in 5x08. Asking why her and Chris never fight?They’re fighting against each other to protect one another it kills me. Also you know your ship has chemistry when even their fights are lightning in a bottle goodness. Just as amazing as their happy stuff. I can't speak enough to their fantastic on-screen chemistry. Even though this fight is fiery and hurts to watch it's hurts so good to watch them hash it out.

Tim explains who Ray is and Lucy don’t give a single fuck. It’s not who he is that has her raging. It’s him cutting her out that is. I love the movements Melissa does in this scene. I know she had an interview about her being mad. Thinking she was awkward. It wasn't at all. Was so real. I think she nailed it. Her body language is on point. How she stamps her foot. Shouting how who Ray is doesn’t explain why he iced her out. At all. She is VIBRATING with anger. Yelling at Tim to stop protecting her. Which he won't. That is like asking him to stop breathing tbh. He would rather die than not protect her. Ugh his reply of ‘ I can’t. I won’t.’ They’re at odds with the deepest part of their souls. Of who they are.

Tim will never stop protecting her. Just as she will never stop trying to help him. Been in her DNA from the jump. For him to not let her is just as painful as Tim not protecting her. *sigh* This is where their intense need to protect each other backfires so badly. Sounds romantic and sometimes it is. But in these type of moments, it shows the cracks in their already fractured communication. It real though. Communicating is HARD. Especially when you both come from abusive homes where that wasn't taught. If you aren't taught healthy communication you're just not going to do it. Simple as that. It's like a muscle that never gets used. Then when it does it feels so unnatural and painful.

These two are going to be the death of me. Hell they already have been. They have so much to work on in s7. It’s insane. I'm excited for it though. Lucy then brings up how Lopez was read in but not her. She is HIS PERSON. If anyone should be read in it’s her. Consequences be damned. Yeah Angela does have less to lose but that is NOT the point. Tim is clearly not getting that fact. I adore Lucy grabbing his hands during the end of the scene. Mirroring back she 'Can’t and won’t' not help him. Telling him she is over being to good girlfriend. He’s going to let her in NOW. Oooh lord. You Tell 'em Luce.

Their OP to foil Ray goes off without a hitch. Tim tells him it’s over. That there isn’t an air stroke to save him this time. Ray tells Tim ‘I am the air strike. I’m about to blow up your whole life.’ *grumble* It’s so true on many many levels. Watching Tim be so stoic in his IA investigation kills me. Wish could've fit this in. Eric be out here again making me emotional af two eps in a row. You can see the tears in his eyes but the rest of him is controlled. That military background of his coming in clutch.

it pains me to watch him lie and have it destroy him. I remember I saw people saying how could he lie? That’s not like him. Um no. This is very like Tim. Not to lie but to protect those he loves. If lying protects Lucy and Lopez that’s what he’s going to do. He has a history of being a little gray for those he loves. Isabel is a good example of that. All that went down with Detective Murphy was similar to this. ‘Some things matter more.’ Once again rings true with him. Tim is believed over Ray. Because even if Tim doesn’t want to believe this he is the better man.

Better reputation and Percy closes the investigation. Have missed him. But whoever he’s around it’s not good. Love the actor though. What happens after is rough to say the least. Never seen Grey as disappointed in Tim as he is here. Reprimanding him and having to report him to Pine SUCKS. R.I.P. Metro Tim. I loved you so…It’s killing Tim to have Grey look at him this way. Deeply respects him and to be scolded by him cuts him. Just dismisses Tim without further comment or fight….

God almighty the song playing in the background. I don’t even remember it. I only watched this scene once. I think I blacked out a lot in this moment. The immense shock rocked my system. Suffice to say it’s beautiful. The piano, the haunting oohs and lyrics are the perfect backdrop to this devastating scene. I felt this building anxiety watching this scene. Waiting for the hammer to drop. When she pulled him into her arms *phew* It was first breath I had taken in nearly two episodes. These eps had me on the razor's edge of sanity. I love her waiting outside for him and instantly pulling him into her arms. Just like Tim did for her in 5x22. I'm fine.....Imma cry as I write this. Horse heaven playing in my ears right now. Adding to my emotional state. These two getting me all weepy.

I’ll be honest I thought if a break up was coming, it was coming from Lucy the first time. Which is why this devastated me like it did. Having the full season in hand now. Makes total sense it’s Tim. At the time I thought would be her. But that wouldn’t be like Lucy at all. After everything he put her through. The secrets, the lies and shutting her out. She had every damn right. But she loves this man unconditionally. So unconditionally. Everything Lucy does in this scene is a reflection of that unconditional love. There to pick up his broken pieces despite all of that went down. Look at her in those gifs above.

Especially that second one. First time she took a breath too. So grateful to be here for him in this moment. I truly thought ‘Oh. Maybe we’re ok... She’s hugging him.’ Encasing him in her arms. Trying to absorb all of his hurt. Supporting him the way he sought out days previous. Gently cradling him against her. It's the tender way she nestled her fingers at the back of his head that gets me. Tapping into some ship crack for me there. *phew* Honestly thought with her being there for him they would make it out unscathed. I truly did. The chemistry from this hug is unreal btw. Tim doesn’t feel worthy in the least. The way he slumps against her. Doesn’t really hug her back like normal. Can't see Lucy is so willing to absorb his hurt and pain. To love him through this. This hug is beautifully tragic.

Lucy releases him and he looks as broken as I’ve ever seen him. 4x09 x 1000 tbh. He shirks away from her. Hands in his pocket. So disgusted and ashamed with himself. Something l've learned in Pilates is posture and the importance of it. When you stand tall and at full height. You are confident and sure of yourself. When you are slumped it presents a lack of confidence, shame, and feeling unworthy. His posture is screaming that. Like he feels he shouldn’t even be in her presence right now. He crushes me with how he says he lied about everything.

Then sarcastically almost sardonically follows it up with ‘But hey it saved my job….’ The amount of disdain in his voice is gut wrenching. The whole reason he was in this Ray mess was to further himself. To keep his career intact. He saw a promotion and went for it at all costs. What he just did lying to IA was to be that same man again. (In his mind) To put his career first over what’s right. Risked people's lives again as well. People he loves. Sickens him ten years later he’s doing the same thing all over again. Even though it's so different this time. There is still nobility in it with saving Lucy and Lopez. But this man can't see that right now. Doesn't see any good in this situation or himself.

Lucy does her best to sympathize. Telling him it was an impossible situation. If it had been her she would’ve done the same thing. Thing is if it had been for Tim yes she would’ve without question. But he can’t see the forest for the trees atm. He is drowning absolutely drowning in his self-loathing. Tim continues on with the painful self flogging. Telling her she would’ve never been in his position. Putting her on a pedestal while he makes himself very very small. That OTP line from 6x03 from him 'You could never disappoint me.' That is true. The problem is he doesn't realize he could never disappoint her either. Tragically Tim doesn't view it that way. Only sees he's not worthy.

Lucy once again tries to pick up his pieces. Telling him he thought he could handle it. He was wrong but made it right. It’s like she can sense him pulling away in this moment. Doing her best to calm his fears about himself. Trying to do what she’s always done in years past best. Build him up. Soothe him. Sadly she isn’t gaining an inch of ground with him. He is stuck in how he feels and there is no budging him. Tim is morose saying he wishes it was that easy….We can see the incredible amount hurt on his face. Telling her he just lied to two men he deeply respects. He is coming undone rapidly and Lucy can see it. I adore her putting her hands on him. Trying to right his ship.

Ground him to her in this moment. Because once again it's something she’s done so well in the past. Tim is spiraling so hard he can’t see her gesture for what it is. Tells her he just betrayed everything he thought was right about himself. *heart clutch* Lucy can’t stand him talking down about himself. Tries to interrupt but Tim won’t allow it. Lucy graciously nods and lets him get it out. Especially when he tells her how hard this is for him. She is so wonderfully understanding it makes my heart ache. Tim feels like he is a bad guy. Thought he had gotten past this and was sucked back in so easily. Truly believed he had become a better person since then. (He has) Ray was right he was gonna blow up his entire life.

He just exposed Tim for the fraud he already felt he was. Bringing his greatest sin to light. Bringing up feelings of not being deserving. Of inadequacy. His abuse background pulling into the station and not leaving. Tim is back to a place of massive self loathing. Saying he has been lying to himself for years. Thinking he’s gotten better when he hasn’t. To him he reverted back to the man he thought he left behind. Not only that he put his person. The woman he loves at risk to cover up his past. To cover up his shame. It’s hitting him like a freight train of terrible realization. Continuing on to say he can’t go back to the way it was. I was hopeful when he said ‘Right now.’ Then followed it up with maybe never….

Lucy had been nodding along. Being so wonderfully empathetic and understanding. She was with him till he said that. Then she is hit with her own terrible realization. He’s leaving her. She is losing him. In the same parking lot where he told her to take a risk. Where she expressed her concern over losing him if they did. Worried about losing the most important relationship in her life due that risk. The same spot where he told her 'Unless it is.' A giant stab to our collective shipper hearts.

It's why Lucy is in a state of utter shock. As we all were tbh. She shakily asks him if he’s breaking up with her? When he said I’m sorry. I remember having to pause. Freak out and cry. I recall chanting ‘No no no….’ To myself repeatedly. My dog was very alarmed. Because I was distraught af. I couldn't believe this was really happening. My happy place was being decimated before my eyes.

Look at the range of emotions on Tim's face before he delivers that line though. Eric you why you doing this to me? They blow this scene out the damn water. it's so visceral. and raw. He looks like he's about to have a breakdown before he delivers that line. Battling with himself about it. There's a desperate need to want to stay with her. But his self doubt and hatred wins out knowing he isn't deserving. Do I think he came out thinking he was going to do this? A little. I think the more he spoke about it and himself the decision was made. He wasn't going to be be talked off this ledge.

The way Lucy replies after this rips my heart out. This break up feels like death by a thousand paper cuts. Months later and this hurts just as much as the first time. Lucy doesn't hold back in the least. Telling Tim he doesn't get to do that. Her line about using it as an excuse is so spot on. This Ray situation has hit VERY close to home for Tim. An insanely sensitive subject for him. It's rubbed against a wound that never really healed properly. Just was buried in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t have the capacity or emotional maturity to handle it. So he ejects out as a coping mechanism. Lucy calls his ass right away for it. It’s so painful to her that he is doing this excuse. Because it feels like a crappy cheat to them. To her. It's truly a cop out and our girl deserves better than this. Especially after all they’ve been through together. All that rapport and trust they’ve built over the years. It’s an insult to who they are as a couple and the relationship they’ve developed. Sadly that all vanishes in this moment. It’s stunning Lucy and straight murdering my feels.

Her ‘That's not okay.’ is a dagger to my shipper heart. The way she continues to repeat herself cause she's in shock. Ugh.This goes down as one of the most painful breakups I've had to go through. Lucy is so upset he is going this route. Melissa had a great interview (quite a few actually.) About the lie line and using it as an excuse for Tim. She noted Lucy is upset cause how he’s acting isn’t them. That they get to have these conversations. Not only have them but recover and grow from them. It’s what she expecting from him in this moment. It's what she expected from his 5x08 Mantra going into this relationship.

She is telling him I’ve got your back. I’ve got you. What are you doing? What happened to ‘Unless it is?’ Lucy continues to vehemently disagree with him. As she should. The worst part is Tim says ‘I know.’ Like he knows what he’s doing is wrong. Knows to eject after everything isn’t ok. Yet he can’t stop himself. He is not emotionally mature enough to handle this conversation properly. Also too blinded by his own self-hatred to see the unconditional love she is showing for him in this moment. God this is painful.

Tim then comes in with the breakup line of ‘You’re an incredible person.' Lucy can’t believe this shit . She really can’t. That Tim is is doing this to her. To them. Even though Tim is being genuine with his statement. You can hear it in his voice. Doesn't do anything to soothe the wounds he's causing. Once again Melissa crushing it with the upset body language. The mannerisms are so on point. Maybe it's because I'm Italian and I use my hands when I'm upset. I do exactly what she's doing. Why I appreciate it so much. It's so real.

It's a cop out what he is doing. 'It’s not you it’s me' schtick. We see the anger building in Lucy. She can't even look at him in the second gif. For him to toss away what they have is painful enough. To do it based off a cliched excuse is destroying Lucy. Thinking what they had was worth so much more than this. Thought they worth the nasty fights. No way she knows fully what happened or she would figure out why he's really doing this. That’s what makes the rest of Lucy's replies so god damn tragic. She is trying to hold onto him for dear life. But is only being pushed away in return...

Tim continues to push forward with this breakup. Letting her know she deserves better than him. It's SO much deeper than that but it's the only way he can convey it right now. Her ‘Oh my god…’ This is her worst nightmare. Her biggest fear come to life. This is why she hesitated starting this relationship. Why she was so afraid of risking her most important relationship. It's unfolding before her eyes and she can’t stop it.

Like a bad dream she can't seem to wake up from. We all wish we could...Tim has never felt worthy of Lucy’s love, light or praise. This reaction just proves that. It's been building for a long time and this is the final result of it. It’s not logical but a trauma brain rarely is. The amount of emotional and physical abuses he endured growing up left it's mark. Has him truly convinced Lucy could never love him knowing what he did. Tim feels he does not deserve her comfort, support or love.

Punishing himself and denying what he need most because he feels unworthy. Thinks he has made a mistake so grave there is no coming back for him. No way she could love him if she knew. So he like Angela stated earlier Tim is protecting himself. Pains me to watch. Now as I've said before it's not to excuse but to explain his side of it. I understand why he's doing it even if it's fucked up.

He doesn't give Lucy much more than she deserves better. Tells her it's why he's walking away. This man feels so undeserving of the love she has to give. In his mind he thinks he’s doing her a kindness. To separate herself from such a shameful and broken man. That she could do better than him. To Tim he made the biggest sin and can’t live with himself about it. He can't envision a world where Lucy would love him through it. The tragedy is she already was in this scene.

Lucy isn’t hearing any of it. Full on panic spiral that I shared in this moment. Her ‘Don’t do this. Why are you doing this?’ Is the most soul crushing part. She can feel him slipping through her hands. Like sand rushing through her fingertips. She can’t hold onto a grain of him. Can only stand there as he gives up on them. His face in the third gif...Knife to my soul. *screams into a pillow* It's killing him to walk away from her. Eric and his expressive eyes has me bawling. The quiver in his bottom lip as well. Gah it hurts to watch them both in so much pain. It’s the way she pulls away with one hand, but is clutching his other hand for dear life, that really gets me in that last gif.

Asking him once again why are you doing this? I shared that sentiment in this moment.. Tim stands firm in his decision to end them and rip all of our hearts out. Eric had a great quote about how Tim handed this whole thing. ‘He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through. And it can come out as a bit too strong.’ He feels he is a burden Lucy therefore he is removing himself. Not thinking about the damage it’s going to do to her. The immense regret he’s going to feel when he regulates a bit more.

Something therapy has taught me is we are ruled by our nervous system. Anxiety, stress, fear etc Tim’s was haywire in this moment. All of them going off at once. Not thinking clearly. Acting out of fight or flight. He took the flight option unfortunately. The tragic way he grabs her head and gives her the saddest head kiss. Shattering all of our hearts in the process. It’s the devastated look on his face when he strokes her hair and takes off. One final gut punch from him. It's like he’s leaving behind his greatest treasure and can’t bear to be around it any longer. Lucy is clutching to him until he departs. *snifffle*

The man actually thinks she is better off without him. Truly believes that. Even if Lucy had succeeded it keeping Tim, this would've reared it’s ugly head again down the road. This breakup ruined my friggin life. I kid you not. They were my happy place. My consistent happy place. And now that was gone. It affected my mental health a little too not gonna lie. I think I was in mourning for three weeks. Honestly I still am. Low key will be till they're fixed. Those three weeks were unbearable. But also needed. Thank you again to my bestie D for being my mourning partner through out that. Kept me sane.

That being said I think this will push them in the best direction. A healthier and stronger one. I truly believe that. I recently broke up with a friend who I had been friends with for ten years. It was very hard on me but time. Boundaries were being pushed and it wasn't healthy anymore. My therapist pointed me to a wonderful book called ‘Goodbyes and good boundaries. ’ While It helped heal my heart it also has really good pieces in it. Stuff made me think of this very ep tbh. Sure that wasn't her goal LOL But my brain is always in a Chenford state of mind in some way or another.

First one that made me think of them. ‘Health cannot bond to unhealth.’ As much as it wasn’t fair for Lucy. And god it wasn’t after everything else this season. Tim was in such a radioactive state staying with her wouldn’t have worked anyway. He was radiating turmoil. Lucy can do a lot for him but not this. He NEEDED therapy so much. There are things you learn in there that only your therapist can help you with. He was unhealth and Lucy was trying to keep her empathetic healthy self to him. It was never going to work. Not unless Tim put in some work. Which he couldn't at this point in time.

“Relationship often die not because of conversations never had but rather conversations needed but never had.” Another good one made me think of them. Tim was not ready in the least for the adult conversation required of him in this moment. Or their entire relationship really. They both danced around the issues a lot. 6x02 closest we got. Even then it was one sided. Thus them dying in this moment. Despite Lucy’s damndest to keep them afloat. Remind him of what they’re fighting for. Of why they started this. This breakup was painful af. Despite how this wrecked my world it’s going to be good for them in the long run.

I will say Lucy in that last gif was all of us in that moment. It was a soul crushing moment that decimated this fandom. Still blows my mind Melissa and Eric were surprised just how insanely devastated we were. Why they did those lovely posts during the three weeks. To thank us and to hold on. Growth is coming. They’re going to be even better after this. Doesn’t mean this didn’t hurt like a SOB and won’t long after they reunite. Curse you Eric and Melissa. You are incredible to evoke such emotions out of us all.

Thank you for going through this with me again. It wasn’t easy but they always worth it. Appreciate any and all comments, likes or reblogs I get. I shall see you all in 6x07 :)

Side notes non chenford

Balian doing the creepy bed thing again. Just have to note that.

Also can’t believe they didn’t end the ep with their breakup. There is a whole minute or so of I don’t give a shit after that scene. I was so distraught they could’ve had Nolan walk into a wall and I wouldn't have noticed.

[a-dragons-journal]

Letting the Past Lie

I’ve been thinking about the black dragon that features in a few of my scarce memories, and why I’ve let him(?) remain mostly forgotten.

For a time when I first joined the community, I was very focused on the past life my draconity stems from - as is typical for many of us. I wanted to know, after all - there was a whole life to unlock, and so much about myself to learn!

But I realized quickly that past life memories aren’t easy for many to access, including myself, and that it’s even harder to discern what’s a “real” memory and what you’re “making up.” Past life regressions rarely work well for me. And so, after a while, I let it fall to the wayside - I made peace with the fact that I will likely never know very much for sure about that life.

A lot of time has passed since then. I’ve learned a lot about my dragonself and my draconity, very little of which has had to do with events in that past life, and it’s all become very normal to me. The not knowing has become pretty normal, too, and in a lot of ways it’s stopped really bothering me.

A couple of my headmates recently have been playing with voluntary aspects to their identity - not choosing who or what they are, but filling in the details they don’t remember where the gaps bother them, deciding that the created facets are just as real as the remembered ones. It occurs to me, as I am reminded of the black dragon’s existence by a song on my Spotify that reminds me of him(?) (Strange Sight by KT Tunstall, for posterity), that I could take the same route - fill in gaps, write in details, decide for myself what happened there.

I don’t know if I want to, though, honestly. I don’t know if I care enough to bother. That Rani was very different - solitary, arrogant, wild, self-sufficient. I believe that I learned things from that life, as I believe is the point of reincarnation, but it’s done now. How much does it affect me, really? Part of me is curious, but… curiosity about what happened isn’t satisfied by filling in the blanks in the same way that being bothered by not remembering is, I think. Maybe I’m wrong there. And, anyway, the curiosity isn’t that strong, as evidenced by the fact that I haven’t really bothered with any past life memory retrieval techniques for years now. I’m more interested in my life here and now, the dragon I am today, than the dragon I was in a time and place long ago and a universe away.

Sometimes it’s better to just let sleeping dragons lie, I suppose. It will come to me when the time is right, if it ever is.

[soushisousatsu]

HL's 'eroguro sensibilities' have been something i am obsessed with ever since i properly joined the fandom and came to see the interpretation and most importantly, the poster character for everything fucked up in fanfiction, Yugamu.

What are your thoughts on him and his sheer eroguro potential? I imagine you already like him, due to your username. The Japanese fandom has properly made him out to be a consensual rapist, and there are a few very interesting Yugamu/Gaku fanfictions on ao3.

If you're into the eroguro and edgy aspects, what do you prefer to see in Takumi/Eito above Yugamu/Gaku? I'm not bashing, but rather geniunely curious because that ship seems too normal for me. I like how Gaku unironically pairs well with Yugamu because of his severe insecurity and whining attitude, Yugamu kinda grounds him a bit and gives him the attention he was desperate for (as in, that scene where he bashed Takumi for leaving when he had just insulted him) in return of Yugamu getting to play with him however much he wants. But aside from that ship, who do you think is the hypothetical ideal partner for Yugamu?

Thank you so much for the ask, Anon! There's a lot going on in this ask (not that I mind) so I'll try to break this down into sections.

Yugamu: My Take

Starting off: you caught me, Anon—I love Yugamu to pieces. My first experience with HNDR was a blind play-through of the demo. But even then, I saw the potential Eroguro influences. Particularly in the military aesthetics, and how these characters' bodies have become tools of war.

So when I learnt about Yugamu, I was delighted. The driving force behind his character seems to be the interplay of love and violence. And I think his "mutual bloodlust" principal is a really unique take on that theme.

I think we can view Yugamu's background as a parallel to what the rest of the SDU are currently experiencing for the first time. In the second character trailer, he describes himself as having been groomed for assassination work. Yugamu was born into violence, and his body has long been specialised for slaughter.

According to his character profile, Yugamu's family does not share his beliefs. This implies that Yugamu came to his philosophy all on his own. I see it as his way of reclaiming violence for himself—and, by extension, his bodily autonomy. It's a reflection of the physical, social, and moral transformation inherent to Eroguro.

[Discussion of sexual violence and post-demo promotional content under the cut]

Fandom

As for fandom, I can hardly believe the amount of incredible fanwork that exists about Yugamu already. On the JP side of things, I adore the artwork of MiNi_MA_LiST. My favourite being this Yugamu/Gaku comic. It takes place following an incident where Yugamu stole Gaku's first kiss. Unfortunately, Gaku's efforts to avoid Yugamu are thwarted when Yugamu forces himself into Gaku's room for the night. Gaku assumes Yugamu will rape him, but he ends up just going to sleep.

What I like about this one is, funnily enough, Yugamu recognising that Gaku is uncomfortable and backing off. I'm curious about the potential for sexual abuse in Yugamu's backstory. That isn't alluded to here, but I think Yugamu being able to listen to "no" instead of simply doing as he pleases serves as good contrast to what can be assumed about his family. It also validates his philosophy as something that could be a form of love. Yugamu wants to be killed by someone he loves just as much as he wants to kill them.

The other thing I appreciate about this fanwork are the queer themes. The beginning of the comic makes it clear Gaku is struggling with his sexuality. Once they're in bed, he asks Yugamu why he isn't disgusted about doing this with another man. Yugamu explains that gender does not matter to him as long as there's mutual bloodlust. Yugamu acting as a symbol of queer possibility to Gaku is something I'll get into once I talk about my thoughts on their relationship more extensively.

As for the ENG fandom, I've been enjoying the work of this author who goes by "Yugamu Anon". Their standout work being, in my opinion, Never-Ever-Ender. Which delves into that idea of (consensual) violence as a way of reclaiming one's bodily autonomy. It's akin to why many people in the real world practice BDSM. (I left a lengthy comment on this fic as Pushiganga, if you're curious about my thoughts.)

Yugamu and Gaku

With the degree of fandom interest, it's easy for me to forget that all we have of Yugamu and Gaku is a single clip. However, I think there's a little more to that interest than a desperation for content.

Gaku and Yugamu's backgrounds are more similar than one would expect at a first glance. Up until now, their lives have been controlled by their families. Yugamu was experimented on for the sake of his family's assassination business. Meanwhile, according this summary of the exclusive Days 8-18 presentation, Gaku appears to have been debt-trapped by the group home he's grown up in. He works to support the children who live there, and he'll be paying back the facility even after he leaves. Neither of them ever got a choice in what kind of life they wanted to live. However, their attitudes are totally different. Where Yugamu appears completely confident in who he is, Gaku is insecure and combative.

I think Yugamu's comfort in his "weirdness" would be very confronting for Gaku. Which takes me back to the potential queer themes I brought up before. One of the first things we learn about Gaku are his hang-ups about women. ("I wish this was a harem set-up. If there are no guys around, girls have to like me.") Compared to what we've seen of Yugamu's early moments, where he proudly declares his preferences and proceeds to hit on Takumi. (Thank you Runaneetee for the translation.)

Part of me wonders if, upon meeting, Gaku will express jealously toward Yugamu for being in a "harem set-up" at Second-to-Last Defense Academy—which will amuse Yugamu greatly and ignite his desire to harass him. I'd love to see Gaku contend with his disgust and realise that he's really been jealous of Yugamu's freedom.

I think it's very possible Yugamu may see himself in Gaku, so he wants to show Gaku how to live without shame. Which reminds me of a transmasculine Yugamu/transfeminine Gaku concept I've been playing around with. However, this post is already long enough, so that's a topic for another day.

Why Eitaku?

You propose a very good question, Anon! I had to stop and think about it for a while. Takumi/Eito, as they currently are, is not the kind of pair I'd typically have much investment in. While I do find their interactions cute in a way that appeals to a simpler part of me. What intrigues me most about Takumi/Eito is the potential I see for something darker to develop.

I'll assume you're aware of this CG seen at TGS last year. [Source]. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a major motivating factor. (Which I shall get to.) However, this is something I saw in them before I was made aware of this CG.

The most important things we learn about Eito in the demo are:

He's desperate to make friends.

He's willing to do crazy things to achieve his goals, even if no one agrees with him. (Going off into the wastelands alone with no battle experience for a chance of finding a way back to the TRC.)

Takumi becomes Eito's first real friend amongst the SDU (possibly ever.)

From this, it's not hard to imagine that Eito would go to extreme lengths to maintain a bond with Takumi. We've already seen how quickly he's gotten attached to Takumi. From (implicitly) proclaiming that Takumi is his reason to fight on Day 7 and that he wants to "protect the things [he] loves". To how excited Eito seems to be to spend time alone with Takumi in the aforementioned Day 8-18 summary and other scenes shown in advance reviews. (6:00 and 8:40. It's fast, so you may need to slow the video down.)

Which brings us to the CG in question. Beyond the pure shock of "WAIT THEY'RE FUCKING??", it gives us an idea of what Eito's fixation on Takumi could lead to.

I haven't seen this interpretation really discussed in the English fandom, but many Japanese fans believe this CG is depicting rape—and I'm inclined to agree. Takumi is dead-eyed and laying totally still with his arms by his side. Any contact between the two comes from Eito—who looks ecstatic in comparison. Nor does he appear to care about Takumi's apparent lack of interest.

Unlike some fans, I don't believe Eito is hiding a darker, "true" personality behind his exterior. At least—not at the beginning. Rather, I think it will be possible for Eito's morals to change depending on how the game progresses. In a route where he'd rape the person he sees as his best friend—what else would he do? And when he's spent the last 100 day in this ultra-violent environment... you can see how there's a conclusion here that would appeal to Eroguro-lovers.

That's not what the fic I'm writing is about, though. My choice to apply an Eroguro-esque philosophy to Takumi and Eito is both a simple desire to combine things I enjoy, and because they're the characters I currently feel like I have the best grasp on.

While Yugamu and Gaku's inherent Eroguro vibes are a fun jumping off point, I'm also interested in exploring how "normal" people could end up there. What initially sparked the idea for my fic was a line of dialogue that can appear when interacting with the Revive-o-Matic. Something to the effect of:

I shouldn't rely on [the Revive-o-Matic] too much. If I die and come back a few times, it might become an addiction.

Which got me thinking about how someone's perception of their own body could change if they could keep dying and coming back to life. I was drawn to include Eito because I enjoy his relationship with Takumi. But I also think that Eito brings some interesting baggage to this subject matter due to his terminal illness. Death probably hangs over him in a way it wouldn't for his healthy peers. How would he react to finally dying, and coming back "fine"? Likewise, now he has the opportunity to exercise power over others like a doctor would a patient. How does he handle that? What would happen if he felt that his newfound autonomy was threatened?

A Partner For Yugamu?

Another interesting question Anon, and unfortunately one I don't believe I can answer at the moment. Saying "someone who matches his ideology" isn't wrong, but it isn't entirely right either. I feel like he also enjoys the "challenge" of someone like Takumi or Gaku.

Honestly, Yugamu seems like he has a lot of love to give. I'm just excited to see how he's going to interact with the rest of the cast. I'm also curious to see if there will be someone Yugamu dislikes, opposed to the other way around. I've seen people suggest that he and Darumi might end up having a sort of Byakuya/Toko dynamic. That seems like a good time, but I also want to see them get along as well. Thankfully, the sheer breadth of this game means we may be able to see different sides to all these relationships.

That being said, that is all I have to say for the time being. Thank you for sending such an in-depth ask! And thank you to anyone who read this behemoth of a post! I love talking about this game, so anyone is free to send questions galore!

For anyone reading this post-release, check my pinned post for current game progress as I don't want spoilers in my askbox.

[lucky-katebishop]

So I'm back to reading Robin 1993 comics after a few good months! Here are some of my favorite screenshots I took from issues 38-45 :D

Stephanie's internal monologue being depicted as diary entries are so cute! I think it's so innovative!

Batman has no fun :(

Tim wants to be Chandler Bing SO bad...

Ari's cliche teenage door signs I like to believe she either got ironically or her uncle got those for her because he saw them and thought "ah, yes, teenagers have signs like these"

I think Tim and Steph's relationship is really interesting in the early comics. Tim has so many problems as Tim and when he's Robin, he's able to shed his insecurities and problems and become someone that's confident. He refers a lot to his civilian life as Tim's and his superhero life as Robin's- they're separated because it makes it easier to compartmentalize, but it also helps him escape his troubles. Although these lines blur a lot- like when he stalks after Ives as Robin in these issues to see why Ives is skipping school and showing up with bruises. But I also see that Tim is able to be more confident as Robin because there's less emotional vulnerability- he's hiding a very important aspect of himself away. And during these issues, he's gotten in trouble with his dad and Ari's uncle and no one is listening to him, so I understand why he prefers to go out as Robin since it gives him a certain credibility amongst adults that would normally ignore him. What's interesting is that he recognizes that his separation of his lives is difficult, but he can't stop doing it.

Stephanie and Tim's relationship is skewed and their relationship exists with several different power balances. She makes him off kilter with her confidence, but he makes her off kilter by knowing her civilian name and referring her as that even in the heat of battle. He knows a lot about her (including her identity) but she doesn't know anything about him other than she's able to fluster him and tease him a lot. And I think that's part of the reason why Tim likes her so much- (besides being attracted to her and of her ability to keep up with him in their vigilante identities) but also he can hide his emotional vulnerability from her because he's constantly wearing a mask. She doesn't know anything about him- he's not an awkward teenager who often says the wrong thing and gets himself into trouble. He's not someone who adults ignore or straight up antagonize- when he's Robin, when he's with her, he's someone important. He's a hero. But he's not being inherently honest with her.

Some cute Tim/Steph screenshots :) -- (I do like them a lot, even though Tim's being annoying and cheating on Ari with her)

I haven't read Superboy yet but... this is Kon, right? Steph has a poster of Kon in her room? (If it's not him, please let me know!)

LOVE her outfit- I adore that we're seeing more of Steph in these issues.

Tim's love of Crocky <3 <3 <3 (he was fighting for his life with Alfred during this issue)

No one:

Tim: :D

Here's some appreciative animal screenshots

Dana Winters Appreciation Screenshot :)

Great parenting Jack...

I am so sick of this character. Why did Dixon keep putting him in here ugh

I-

Alright thanks for getting this far if you did! I'm back reading comics so here's to more of this silly little series! :D

[thehopelessexception]

is it just me?

i've been observing a tendency surrounding women —mostly between 20 and 26— where we can't find anything close to love (from men). women are not dating, nor living a normal life, developing a femcel-like point of view. and im saying this because i want to be loved just like anyone else, but are we the problem? or is there something wrong with boys? i mean, ofc there's something wrong with boys; but every year pass by and every time is harder and harder to find someone willing to put the effort to make you feel loved and understood. was it like this 50 years ago? 100 years ago? i am very much aware that our mothers and grandmothers suffered in the world they lived in, generally with sexist husbands and mandatory tradwife lifestyle. but i am also sure that there was some exceptions, way too many more than today.

and we tend to romanticize the past, probably there's something to do with our generation. nor millennials or gen z, the ones in the middle. the girls who grew up with enough technology but not so much. the ones that went crazy over boybands and fanfiction and hung up posters in our walls. the ones that went crazy in 2018-2020 with deranged feminism just to realise, later on, nobody really cared and it maybe was a little over the top. the ones that filled our beds with stuffed animals repeatedly every time we woke up just to throw them on the floor at night so we could sleep. the girls who spent their teenage years on tumblr writing code (before men took that away from us) and making playlists of marina lana and the 1975 so everyone on the internet could see how cool we wanted to look like. probably the ones that suffered some kind of bullying in highschool or some health problem related to how we didn't fit in or how bad we looked at ourselves in the mirror (yk what i mean). we weren't the cool kids in real life or it was just me?

now i'm observing how hard it is to adapt that teenager to adult years. and maybe it's me but i don't feel like an adult. i am a tiny ball of anxiety. i suffer too much stress. i am trying to finish my degree but i don't know if im worthy of anything because i dont have money, and i don't have time to work and study at the same time because i spend too many time thinking about it and feeling a fraud and a failure.

i don't know how to talk to boys either —nor girls, in that way—. and until some days ago i was quite sure i was willing and capable of spending my whole life alone. i've given up to anything because i felt it imposible to be loved. but lately my mind goes up and down with that scene of jo monologue in little women by gretta gerwig. and it also goes with the hot priest monologue of fleabag. and today i rewatched the classic he's just not that into you. are we condemned to be the tedious rule? am i?

i've seen all of my girlfriends suffering the same mysery. and i've seen the extremes. women giving up the love they deserve —because they accepted the fate of being the rule— by dating a jerk just because they are afraid of loneliness. and i've also seen women giving up everything else just because they are not willing to give up love. those are us. hopeless romantics who watched way too many romantic comedies and somehow still expect to find someone willing to die for us just like dicaprio in romeo + juliet. —or at least a patrick verona—.

what i've never seen was actual love. all the couples i met... they don't look happy. they don't look in love. they don't look like they enjoy their own company even. they look exactly like a picture of instagram. they exist just to make us feel miserable even when it's obvious they are not gonna last. i've seen couples of what? 7 years? gone. broken up. they grew tired of each other and of course they never looked like they had anything close to sparkles in their eyes. chemistry? none. and maybe it is my anxiety speaking but i don't want that. i refuse to have that. i want all or nothing. i want always and forever. i want everyone to look at us and think "if i don't have that i'll kms". i want family —even tho im not sure i want to get pregnant, what am i a childbride?—. i don't want to change anything to fit in with the standards of a boy. i want marriage even tho im not sure i want to be legally married. i want the posibility, the future. i want the emotions surpassing myself. i want to not know me anymore and then knowing me again. i want to doubt myself. i want my heart beating so fast i could kill someone for them. i want to believe god exists. i want to laugh of happiness without they making a joke. i want my sundays to not be deppresing because i can hang out with the love of my life and have fun. i want to be the "and yet" of someone willingly enough to fall for me every single day even if i am kinda insane all the time. i want someone who cares. someone who fantasizes with spending the rest of their lives with me and is going to put the effort to get to know every single thing about me and stay because he's blown away. and aparently that's setting the bar "too high" because we are the rule and not the exception.

people always assume that by being a romantic i expect flowers every day and cheesy comments about how beautiful i look; and that would actually make me want to puke because i can do that myself. i am confortable with myself, i like myself, i love myself, i have the ego. i am not really asking for that much i just want someone to love me with every single thing that's probably wrong with me. what i want is someone curious and smart. someone who pays enough attention or wants to. i want the chemistry off the roof.

and contrary to anyone's beliefs the bar is too low about everything else. every single girl probably wants the same thing. is it that hard for men to understand that women want to feel loved?

lately —worldwide— it's all a competition of genres as if humanity doesn't need us to interact to survive. it's a loop that opened up in 2013? with the tumblr-4chan gate and right now got translated to the real world because pick-mes are back and being a man is cool. and suddenly that's how nature works!! because apparently women are boring and just a hole. maybe they all need to go all alexander the great. but it's getting boring. and we as women deserve love as much as respect.

[iamgonnagetyouback]

Hello hello! Congratulations on 2k, I'm so proud!!! I was wondering if I could possibly request a 🏹 fairy's arrow?

My preferred fandom would be the marauders, and the gender male. I'm a ravenclaw, and a INTP, and a Virgo sun, sag moon, and Libra rising (if your into those things lol)

I really love to read, and write, and draw. I also love to learn, but don't tend to flaunt it. I can be rather chaotic, often acting dumber than I am for the bit or just to gather more experiences, and have been told on several occasions I'm a poster child for ADHD XDD. I don't tend to flaunt my intelligence, but I can be confused and slightly concerned if my friend doesn't know something I think is general knowledge, and then I end up ranting about the specifics, and they look at me like I'm crazy, but I really just like to read and soak up knowledge like a sponge. I've had several friends say I'm like "the mom friend meets airport dad meets chaotic good" or along those likes, yk?

I also am very naturally curious and one of my biggest goals is to buy a van or trailer and travel the entire world, leaving no stone unturned. With my off the walls nature, I find trouble in staying in one place for long.

Some dislikes/pet peeves are as follows: STYROFOAM. I have an extreme hatred for it. It's the bane of my existence, and i refuse to touch it. Also I really dislike slow walkers, and loud chewers. I also really hate it when a package claims to be easy to open but then it isn't. And when my jar of pickled banana peppers won't open.

BRO I love pickled banana peppers so much they're the loml I eat them on everything all the time. I'm sure my blood is 70% pickled brine at the rate I consume these babies.

also! My music taste is like.. super all over the place. I love 'in this moment', 'halestorm', 'rob zombie' and stuff like that, but I also love ve divorced dad rock, and metal, and like... Whatever genre 'aesha erotica' is, and I also love 'the oh hellos', and 'kesha' and also I've been super obssessed with 'ptolemaea' by Ethel Cain recently.

I also don't believe in tmi, or taboo subjects, or anything being to macabre, as I think like everything should be normal, bc if it exists it should be talked about. Also I yap so much.

Thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it<33 have a wonderful morning/day/night, wherever you are, and keep chugging on, you got this!! Also, don't forget to take a stretch break, get a snack or some food, and drink some water!!!

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ⠀────۶ৎ sirius black

omg stop you're so sweet ♡ you too angel!!! stay cozy, stay hydrated, and keep being the cutest lil chaos machine ever ‹𝟹

nav. ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀2k celebration. ⠀

okay, sirius. 100%

°‧ʚଓ⋆ ༊·˚࿔*:･ he sees you being all chaotic genius and just immediately decides you’re his favorite person. like, you’ll be going off on a knowledge rant, eyes all bright, hands moving, and he’s just sitting there like wow. incredible. tell me more

°‧ʚଓ⋆ ༊·˚࿔*:･ your whole “mom friend meets airport dad meets chaotic good” energy?? he EATS IT UP. you’re keeping him alive (literally—you’ve stopped him from walking into traffic multiple times), but you’re also the one dragging him into ridiculous adventures. shh...it’s a balance

°‧ʚଓ⋆ ༊·˚࿔*:･ you wanna travel the world? guess who’s already packing his bags. sirius doesn’t do well staying in one place either, so the second you bring up your van or trailer dream, he’s all in. “reckon we should start in europe. or south america. or—anywhere but here, really.”

°‧ʚଓ⋆ ༊·˚࿔*:･ you never have to worry about something being “too much” around him. no topic is off-limits. you talk about whatever you want, and he adores that you never shut up

°‧ʚଓ⋆ ༊·˚࿔*:･ he is obsessed with how much you love pickled banana peppers. he tries one once and gags dramatically, but he’ll always make sure you have an endless supply

°‧ʚଓ⋆ ༊·˚࿔*:･ you hate styrofoam? slow walkers? he gets it. the first time you told him about the styrofoam thing, he made the mistake of bringing some near you. your reaction was so intense he vowed to never do it again

[sweetmusingss]

Oscar grumbled under his breath when you used that flirtatious tone on him again and he shook his head at you. “That may work on charming other people but not me.. I am not falling for it. Fine, I guess it happens to the best of us..,” he says softly even though he was so meticulous and organized that he actually always had a back-up alarm set in case his first one fell through. “I am sure Max will be ready with a nutritious breakfast for you tomorrow,” he spoke softly to you, deciding to lay off for now because he didn’t want to yell at you too much. He noticed a few people in your row looking your way and again, he did not want the extra attention.

“I’m sure you only have eyes for your girlfriend. How gentlemanly of you.” I wasn’t jealous, I barely knew him, but it was a bit annoying that he wasn’t falling for my charms. They worked on literally everyone, and he was somehow immune to them. He was probably just so in love with his girlfriend that other girls didn’t even exist to him. How romantic. I finish my muffin, not responding to his comment about Max, just shrugging in acknowledgment that I heard him. A few minutes pass in silence, just us listening to the professor, picking up my Stanley, the charms banging against the metal as I take a long sip. I look over at him, frowning when I see he was taking notes. “What are you taking notes on? He’s just discussing the curriculum... are you going to study the curriculum?” 

__

I immediately melted into your touch, meeting your eyes. “Hi, Lando. You look really good,” I say, running a hand over the material of your shirt. I was a little tispy by now too and more handsy than I normally would have been but I had been dying to have your attention again. “Oh no, he just told me that you’re obsessed with me and you had a poster of me on your bedroom wall as a teenager, which is the cutest fucking thing I have ever heard,” I smirk softly at you.

“So do you... like... really good.” He ignores Max’s muttered ‘good one, mate’, keeping his eyes locked on yours. Lando’s face falls when he hears what you said, his head jerking up and glaring over at Max. “You muppet. Thanks for that one, mate. Really makes me look good.” Lando glares at his friend, who was just laughing, before looking back down at you. “Don’t let him fool you, when we get drunk, he’s the first one to suggest karaoke and it’s always your songs. He’s just as obsessed, he just wants to make me look like an idiot.” Lando just sighs, glancing down at your glass, seeing it was pink. “You and Renee have the same drink of choice... that’s dangerous considering she’s very drunk right now and giving Oscar an aneurysm,” He nods off towards the VIP area behind him where Renee was basically giving a sexy lap dance to a very flustered and flushed Oscar. 

[azures-grace]

Imma do it here so I can tag a person

I've already mentioned it before and I hope it's not annoying I do it again

It basically started because my friend @mintytealeaves mentioned she was ace and would send me ace memes and talk about it a lot. That was my introduction to "asexuality" as like... The term asexuality.

Even before then, I dunno. I always kind of, I guess, related to how Greek goddesses like Artemis and Hestia and Athena never wanted sex, if that makes sense? I thought it was more interesting to read about them than like Zeus or something.

It really kicked off during my last relationship, and I remember Minty sending me a picture of this meme of a person dressed up like the ace of spades and I was like, "hah, me fr" and my then-partner was like, "what?" and then I felt awkward about it.

I watched a lot of OSP and JaidenAnimations at the time (this is all pretty recent, I only came out about a year and a half ago), but I guess that helped me realize that "oh, it's not that weird to think about this, and people of many ages feel this way."

I remember I made my Slither.io avatar the asexuals flag and got really nervous when a friend asked me about it. I was like, "no no no, I'm supporting them, because my friend is ace." At one point, I told someone I thought I was demi. There was also a time I got left in the front of a Spencers (because I wanted to) and I spent the whole time I was waiting for my friends to come back staring at the pride merch and wondering where the asexual stuff was. And also wondering why the anime girls on posters has such terrible anatomy. Also in that trip, I found some ace stuff in a different store and got excited like, "LOOK IT EXISTS!" and a friend gave me a weird look and I felt awkward again.

I also want to thank @mistythedritten for being so causal and normal about being asexual. It was really neat to see a person I knew personally and looked up to being very normal about it and not making a super big deal of it.

I also had several other IRL friends who were real casual about being ace and aro/ace, too, and demisexual.

I don't mean to be rude or cruel to my previous partners, but the concept of like, getting married and then having kids later was really scary for me, because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of that. I think after I got my first period, it kind of sunk in that, "oh, I'm in puberty now, this is when people should start feeling those urges, why am I not?"

I think the breaking point, in a sense, was when one of my friends sent me a thingy like, "you can change in the future, what matters is now" and then I came out to them like, less than an hour later or something like that, lmao. And then proceeded to draw the goofiest drawing after (I'll put it at the end). I came out on the first day of June and I was, like, sobbing on the phone with my friend like, "the IRONY".

I also was writing one of my characters in my book as aro/ace and that helped me get through a lot of my thoughts. I have no idea what the future will hold for my ace-ness, but here I am.

And yeah. That's pretty much the most of it. Here's the drawing.

*note: i know not all aro people are ace and vice versa, but the experiences tend to be similar so ive lumped em together (and im aroace)

pls throw your awkward ace experiences in the tags i love them

[ferny-berny]

there's a first for everything

I’m finally doing it. I’m writing my first blog post!

For a long time now, I couldn’t tell you if it’s been months or years because I guess I’ve always wanted to share my thoughts with the world, I’ve wanted to make a blog. When I was younger the idea of being a youtuber was super cool, but I always told myself that I should only post online if I had something genuinely interesting and original to contribute. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a kid who clearly just had a desire to be creative. It honestly stopped me from doing a lot of things, but I can proudly say I have a very clean digital footprint :p

Always a passive scroller, never a poster. 

Growing up as a child with unsupervised access to the internet, media consumption was my number one hobby. Too old to be an iPad baby, but too young to know what life was like before Google existed; the sweet spot, really. Maybe I’m biased, but the internet I grew up on is not the one that lives today. It’s really a reflection of the collective mind, all the misinformation and lack of critical thinking… don’t get me started. The internet I grew up with was an option - available, but not necessary. None of us were taking it too seriously because, honestly, they hadn’t figured out how to make money on there yet. Even making money on a site like eBay felt like a fun little game, but maybe that’s the childhood nostalgia warping reality. 

You get my point though - it used to be fun and now it’s not. At least not for me. It’s just doomscroll, laugh at tweet, post cute pic, repeat. It really can’t be normal to be going through as many emotions as you do when you scroll down the timeline. Amygdala going crazyyyy.

I know that this is just a string of tangents so far, but I promise I’m going somewhere with this -

The internet can be fun again! It’s special because it’s a place to connect and share. As fun as it is to watch my shows and listen to my little playlists, the thing that really feeds me is being able to talk about it with someone. I am a certified yapper, like my roommate says.

Funny thing though: as I close out this chapter of my life, I am also done with what feels like the research stage of it. The time I spent simply sitting back and observing the world is very important to me. It wasn’t all happy, but it taught me a lot. I am raising my hand in the classroom of life (hahaha). I would like to participate now. 

There’s a lot left to explore, I’m only 23 after all. Which if you’re younger may feel old, but even if that were true, it’s cool to age. You couldn’t pay me to be ~young~ again. Who knew it could hurt so much to be in the dark? The growing pains still come and go, but are much easier to bear nowadays. I have at least found the switch to see things more clearly. 

A big realization was that I don’t want to waste any more time. It took me a while to come to terms with my anxiety, but one of the things that I had to accept was that thinking about anything too hard will make me not want to do it. Like this. This is being written on a google doc because I can’t figure out what to name the actual blog. But that just cannot be the reason I don’t do it. There won’t always be more time.

This past year has been a big one for me. It was my final year in college. I’m a super senior, so I got an extra year and it honestly ended up working out, but until about last week it didn’t register that I won’t be a college student forever. After this I’ll never have another finals week, study sesh in the library, or a casual chat at the english department… no more dumplings from the dumpling cart, pizza from Christian’s (at 2am after a night out), or basil fried rice from my favorite Thai place on campus. It just started setting in that my weeks are, in fact, counted. That maybe there won’t be a next time for certain things; that museum visit that I’ve pushed off since moving down here could simply not happen if I don’t carve out the time to actually do it because it is ending. Things do end, (un)fortunately. I thought it never would. 

Yada yada, I’m getting sappy. And we don’t know each other yet.

The point is: you won’t always have all the time in the world. I get it now. So I want a place to talk about it. That and music, social issues, self-care, pop culture, books, movies, etc.

I want my voice to be heard. I’ll admit it’s a little scary to speak up, but I have so many thoughts that I’m going to try and just post it before I find a reason not to. I hope you join in because I hate talking to myself :)

[iguanasplit]

hey, its the hottest spring, speudo-summer i might say. i am considering retaking journalling just because i have the hunch it would do wonders to my mind. drawing is too doing wonders to my mind, both simultaneously creating and allowing some information, ideas relief.

i am 24, writing to an old voice, from a website i barely touch but that craddled my dreams when i entered college. and now after eons im here, i do come here sometimes to just talk to you like this, but i do still come sometimes, the same way you pop on my mind sometimes, lighthearted, not always good, but always lovingly. so im here. 4:30pm still working hours but im on lunch break. i work home. extra time i waste because my organizing skills have always been bad and i heard it has a name and im not medicating propperly for it, but then again i never have and ive come this far. so once again, track lost and refound, im here. 24, sitting at home working, drenched in sweat because the weather is awful, but in front of me theres my keyboard, my screen and to my side its the box i set up yesterday, my first and very own CPU. its black, tall and the left side has a pannel that allows me to see the fans spin and the silver of the processors resistance. something i always wanted when i was a child. a real gamer cpu, bought with my own money, and something i wasnt expecting. assembled throught my own hands. i know i shouldnt celebrate departures but in this case i cant help but being way too happy. way too giddy. y' know the way my head just gets stuck on things and wont let go till a big dawn. i hadnt realized how much i was missing, (a pity my brain just wouldnt let go) being entirely obsessed with several groups and such. uh yeah. the posters are there and the albums are too, but i dont burn like i did, desperate to know what did the kpop boys i like this round do today. they seem to be busy, thats good but its as good as i care, i dfidnt realize until i left how in most cases it felt like it didnt quite fit.

now im back on games stuff, its like i should have come here before, you know i knew i would have enjoyed it, their approach, this peoples approach to art is much freer, much more experimental and interesting and i could cry on how well it feels, not just to see things i think about appreciated but finding people who seem to be on that same wavelength. not that i dont appreciate the time, not that i dont love dearly everyone the past around 8 years gave me. i am just simply overjoyed in what i find today. i guess in the end everythings a phase, beginning and end entirely important. how i enter and how i end, what i got in the process its whats really important. i feel youd get it. but more importantly, and the most importantly is that their approach to art reignited mine in a way i hadnt seen in years, that nothing, nothing ever came close to do in the past decade since after you passed. maybe bts came close, but that only solidifies a subject above that has to do with themes and experimentation of art. but back on track. many times last year and in the past few years i was considering jsut leaving art, wanted to rip it off me. wanted off so i wouldnt disappoint myself every single time i tried and tried and failed, knowing i could be normal if i let go something i was never gifted and pretending would just burn me all over. the whole process has been like trying desperately to bury a living thing and hoping it stops coming out. every feet of dirt i just kept disappointing me further, i kept wishing i could take it all lightly. i was so close to dropping it, entirely.and well the regret the regret of seeing how much does everyone around me with real art careers were improving so much while i was crunching code on websites, most time spent trying to tell myself i could make it without drawing, maybe that will ease me out on the paper. but it never did it never came easier, it became harder and harder, and most times i wanted off as if it never existed in first place. not that i didnt love it i simply convinced myself it would be pointless to put on an effort and be disappointed in the end by the lackluster results i end up giving. im sorry, no amount of eroding edges and softening remove how jagged my insides are, and sorry no amount of regret can turn back time and hone the skills for all the time i lost being afraid, thats always been my pitfall. im sorry i only wanted to make you a drawing to explain how much your art ever meant to me and i never got the guts to truly put you in paper. you have always been the most tender of souls and my lacking hand couldnt do justice. but i think im back now. what i mean is that im back to trying this for real, with the intention of breaking, the intention of what i desperately said i did but i never did. im breaking the bones and instead of burying it im ransacking the fucking grave i guess. it all starts the same place it ends. im back where i was in highschool when i decided my young naive self that i wanted to tell stories through art, obsessed with games and animated series, and you were there too, beautiful, so i thought, i should tell you, because i tell you everything.

and so im back where i started, so much time lost but no regrets i guess. sorry not for dropping the pencil but for the many many times i lied about it. you will have my worse because thats after all the most that could be given, stupid, and worrysome, and unable to stop making all the mistakes i didnt make when i was young and too busying trying to make a daughter my parents would be proud instead of whatever i am so theres so much to pick up. i am to be build from scratch, so much to do, so much rough, so much lack of skills, and so you will have me in all the mistakes and loose ends i left, the splinter in the wood from everything i tore apart and never propperly cleaned, but its all of me, and theres so much to clean here before we can propperly start anew. i will take care of it. anyway, i build a computer from scratch like i wished when i was 14 and i still have some tasks to do for work today, but after that im all yours so if youll have me.

[lady-laureline]

Another ramblepost.

After mulling it over for a few months, I am ~97% sure I'm autistic. As this is the second neurodevelopmental label I've acquired after adhd, I'm somewhat more familiar with the whole revelatory process - i.e. the "so that's why I do that" and "no wonder this keeps happening" moments that are a significant part of why said labels feel justified (others have been explored & rejected).

I have all these little anecdotes about weird misconceptions that have kept me from spending time on the things I find worthwhile, such as feeling like I was too late to the party to be considered a legitimate part of a subculture, or taking my crappy memory as evidence that I don't care about this thing as much as I think I do. One notable moment was realising that I hadn't gotten myself a poster I wanted because of some subconscious narrative that personalised décor is for "real people".

All of this is to say that I've always been aware of several degrees of separation between myself and the general public, and not just because I wanted to be special.1 Growing up neurodivergent means you can never quite close that gap, and that shapes the way you interact with the world: studies on the social perception of autistic individuals basically say that being "a little off" is enough to ruin a first impression, which is, in turn, enough for most people to write you off as undesirable.2

×

And I'll be honest, I wasn't nearly as excited about figuring out my autism as I was about my adhd before I even thought to look at the evidence. The stereotypes are notably less palatable: at least adhd gets the manic pixie dream girl, but ask someone to describe an autistic person and there's still a good chance they'll default to a stubborn six-year-old boy with encyclopedic knowledge of the Cretaceous and zero interest in making friends.3

Even representation that is halfway decent tends to portray autistic characters without any inclination towards concealing their atypical traits, often lacking the self-awareness to even consider it, so people get confused by the thought of us operating somewhere between social grace and social oblivion. Then again, people also short-circuit when they see a wheelchair user stand up for 0.2 seconds.

Some things you don't understand until you're forced to. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't listened to someone's lived experience with unfamiliar symptoms while trying to conceal my doubt. There was a time when I wouldn't have believed my own claims, what with my warped sense of time and my hyperacusis, is thAt even a tHing lol

There's something I really want to pin down about trying to exist while everyone around you keeps sending you signals that your very perception of reality is just wrong. It messes with your head, undermines your identity. I've been working so hard at unraveling trauma bundle after trauma bundle, and I'm only just starting to believe I'm even allowed on this planet, you know? Some people aren't so lucky. I'd love to be at ease with myself without needing to justify it to some imaginary audience.

×

This brings me to my next point: cringe.

I am one of many who treat self-censorship like a necessary evil for the sake of appearing adjusted enough. Whether it's self-soothing with the hand-flappy thing, going off on a tangent about a topic of interest, or feeling the overwhelm creep into my nervous system, there are plenty of impulses and reactions that I've learned to stifle so that people will be more inclined to talk to me.

What's the problem with that, you might ask. Isn't learning to adapt a good thing?

I hear you, but this isn't adaptation, this is assimilation. We don't get to choose how our bodies process information, no amount of discipline that will rewire our brains to be "normal". We have a natural way of operating, but most of us have been moderating ourselves for so long that we don't even know what that is. We only know that bad things happen when the mask falls, when composure is outpaced by stress. Looking at it this way, it makes a lot more sense that the world only recognises autism at its worst.

Setting boundaries would ease the pressure, but when it comes to voicing smaller issues the assumption is that we're playing them up for attention. For those unprepared to imagine having to live with chronic discomfort, calling it a lie feels rational - which leaves us not calling for help, but embarrassing ourselves for some reason.

×

As a cherry on top, we still don't know what autism is, despite decades of research. Autistic brains are characterised by both hyper- and hypo-connectivity in different areas. There is consistency in certain functional deficits, however studies keep getting conflicting results while trying to map these out.5

While elusive in origin, our differences put us at measurable odds with the scattered demands of a modern environment. Sensory sensitivities are a giant handicap when we live in a flood of sensory information, and without the ability to develop the standard tolerance it becomes a constant battle to just feel okay on a day to day basis. But if we can outmanoeuvre the bad stuff, we can focus; and if we can focus, we can excel.6

I mentioned beforehand that a lot of the behaviours commonly recognised as autistic are linked to distress. My hope is that, with the growing awareness we're experiencing, we'll be able to normalise happier traits as well.

× × ×

1 Which I won't deny, but my secret teenage wishes had a lot more to do with being whisked away to the fairy realm than being bullied at school.

2 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5286449/

5 https://embrace-autism.com/autistic-brain-differences-connectivity/

3 It's the "lack of empathy" in particular that gets under my skin. There are a whole bunch of steps between feeling an emotion and expressing it in a way that translates well. We're not always good at those steps - doesn't mean we don't care.

6 The other option is putting the bad stuff on hold - intoxication & other dissociative methods can offer temporary sensory reprieve. Without other accommodations available (as is all too often the case), this can easily turn into a destructive habit.

[nanjokei]

ah... i'm the first anon and i'm neither op nor the person who sent you the second ask i wasn't trying to be rude, and i think the second anon was out of line. i just wanted to provoke some self-reflection, maybe, about what atmosphere you're bringing to the (very small and thus easily affected) fandom and how that makes other feels (since it felt like you might be sympathetic) and that's all.

yeah no you're good. the first ask was quite fine hence my original intention to reply to it normally. sorry for assuming that you're the other anon, but seeing them together kind of came off a certain way haha, so please give me that leeway. of course that's not really something anyone can control at the end of the day. also sorry for the late response, my health got poorly and i decided to just rest up (again, not gonna respond to anything unless i can give answers that somewhat satisfy me which isn't possible unless my mental faculties are in some kind of shape) (+my blog runs on a 2 posts per day queue so if a few posts came out that is not me.)

you're right about me being sympathetic— at the end of the day i am not here on this earth with the goal to hurt people or cause bad vibes or whatever. far from it really, but i also have to stick up for myself a bit and say this situation has been blown way out of proportion, from an anon informing the original poster that i commented on the existence of their post, honestly freakish behavior and very high school like who give a fuck, to a lot of things being assumed about me, to the most basic fact that i feel like is most important in this situation— i did not tag any of my commentary. i feel like your response here would make more sense if i had gone out of my way for people to see it. but i didn't do that. it was on my blog, and like i said before at the end of the day if there was no mishap, no one was going to see it but my followers. i will be mindful and remember to censor keywords if i'm being critical of specific things but i'm not gonna suddenly not talk about things, you know?

this website sucks. i get if the asks leaked into search because a few of them had keywords like "c*e" and whatnot... that's essentially on me? taking a good 80% of the blame for that. will probably censor it in the future if im being critical or something. i'm repeating what i said for emphasis. anyway, the whole "i'm gonna bang on about this one post" is not something i regularly do if at all, if you check my posts— if your view of me is still in good faith then thank you, but honestly, like i said before this has been blown out of proportion. i'm not really gonna cause some insane vibe change in the future because i did not have much intention to contribute in the first place or get involved... i am one person. ya'll have fun now...