#but I don’t think it’s fair necessarily to put them in the ‘doomed to fail’ category

[a-wins-a-win]

unpopular opinion?? maybe?

Matt & Ivy have a really interesting dynamic!! both pre- and post-canon!! with or without romantic undertones!! either reciprocal or one-sided!!

and obviously it has to be handled with a particular level of care/respect BUT I think if we allowed them enough grace there is space to explore a really interesting possibility for that relationship.

[bigprettygothgf]

recompleted dark souls 3 yesterday. this game just feels so hollow*, sometimes in a very good way and other times in a pretty bad way. when the game is enforcing a very deep sense of lifelessness, isolation, and collective sense of apathy over the complete lack of hope, the emptiness is very good. when the game feels devoid of life because it’s struggling to find its own identity that doesn’t rely on dark souls 1, is when it fails. i wouldn’t necessarily mind the bombardment of ds1 references, callbacks, and reuse, cuz i mean hey, that was going to happen regardless and when you’re ending your beloved series you have to bring things full circle. but there are times where this really feels like it’s succumbing to the post-last jedi syndrome of “oh god people didn’t like that last entry, we better bring back a bunch of stuff from that other one people liked to make em happy!”. as i said the game can’t quite seem to find its own identity which, say what you will about dark souls 2, that game established itself as its own entity very easily. dark souls 3 does a very good job of showing the rot of the world around it and the way in which this cycle of decay is doomed to endlessly repeat itself, but thematically it contradicts itself by simultaneously using elements of dark souls 1 as signifiers of how ugly life here is, and always was, despite how it may have appeared, while also using them to make you nostalgic to those things as if none of those story elements even matter. it’s weird in a way that’s difficult to put into words exactly and people that don’t really give a shit about thematic elements or lore in these games probably aren’t even going to care in that way, but it bothers me. i think anor londo is maybe the finest example of what i’m talking about. you can argue that anor londos reappearance is to show you how grey and lifeless this once golden and lively city was....but dark souls 1 already did that once you saw through gwyndolin’s illusion. that was never anor londo. we already know anor londo is not the majestic haven it projects itself to be. there’s no actual reason to show us again besides reminding you that you liked playing through that place in the first game. it’s probably stupid to get so hung up on anor londo specifically since it is essentially just a glorified cameo area to get to a boss, but there are better, far less intrusive ways of doing this, such as the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it firelink shrine ruins under earthen peak. and the earthen peak ruins don’t count as a nostalgia bait cameo because no one in the fucking world played through earthen peak and thought damn i loved that place, hope it shows up in dark souls 3! it’s there so that the ringed city expansion quite literally takes you back through the entire series. i’m okay with that here.

and this is probably an even more nonsensical thing to criticise since its a dlc addition, and they cant really just go back and fundamentally alter the main game to accommodate it, but i really wish they gave a better air of finality to and made it so the credits roll after you give the painter the blood of the dark soul. as the true ending of the trilogy it carries far more emotional weight than the base game endings do on their own, but it’s restricted to an NPC interaction that a lot of less scrupulous players are going to miss altogether.

i will say i think this has my favorite bosses collectively of the 3. i don’t think any boss in the series could hope to trump the rush of beating ornstein & smough or artorias the abysswalker for the first time, but while dark souls 1 also has its fair share of pretty shit bosses (capra demon, pinwheel, iron golem, the bed of chaos, etc) and ds2 has too many suckers to count, i can really only think of 1  ½ total duds in ds3, those being champion’s gravetender/gravetender greatwolf, and the first phase of the nameless king. the gravetender duo is just an npc you can stunlock to death and reused enemies you already saw in the dlc. it’s kind of insulting. and then there’s the first phase of the nameless king, which pretty much epitomises dark souls 3′s terrible camera, as you’ll be fucked whether you lock on or not, and the weird hitboxes and (highly) disorienting arena just makes it even more frustrating than it ever reasonably should be. i only count it as a ½  because the 2nd phase is enjoyable enough. high lord wolnir also comes close gameplay-wise but that fight looks so cool that i’m willing to let it slide. i mean its a giant fucking skeleton so big we cant even see all of him. come on. but aside from those you have incredible fights like pontiff sulyvahn, champion gundyr, sister friede, darkeater midir, slave knight gael... all unforgettable fights that rank among the best i’ve ever experienced. as much as i will defend dark souls 2, the bosses in this game put the vast majority of the ones from 2 to absolute shame.

overall i will never be on the full fledged “fuck dark souls 3″ train, there’s just too many good things about it to fully dismiss, but now that i’ve played (and nearly 100%ed, give me like 10 days) all of them back to back multiple times, i do think it’s the weakest of the trilogy. when it soars, it fucking soars, but when it falls short it kind of sours the whole product.

*no pun intended. sorry

[anika-ann]

Attached: Hurtful Words Pt.2

Type: (mini)-series,  Modern-college-professor AU… aka the wrong attachment AU ;)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader   Word count: 3530

Summary:  Steve’s been hit hard with the events involving bad poetry on campus too. He thinks he knows what needs to be done; but sometimes, what people truly need is a really good friend who knocks some sense into them. 

Enter Bucky Barnes and Penny Cooper.

A/N: Attached: Hurtful Words is an addition that loosely followes the Attached series. You don’t necessarily need to read the mini-series as a whole, but you will understand much better.

Warnings: mentions of name calling and humiliation, brief violence, swearing, some angst and lots of talking

Story masterlist

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The friendship between Bucky and Steve had begun with a beautiful chain reaction.

On a cold November day many years ago, a six-year-old Steve Rogers witnessed a pair of stupid boys stealing a girl’s hat and tossing it around and he stepped in; a seven-year-old Bucky Barnes saw two jerks hitting a younger and obviously weaker kid and decided to take it personally.

That day, Bucky Barnes met Steve Rogers and instantly became a protective older brother, for he recognized that Steve had a brave and kind heart. That day, they became easy friends, because Steve recognized the same qualities in Bucky.

Even if they grew as people, they had their ups and downs, they never grew apart completely and stayed best friends for life – and the protectiveness over each other never disappeared. Which was only one of the reasons why Bucky felt an unbearable urge to punch someone – preferably the idiots who got his OTP into this mess.

Fairly enough, he wanted to punch you a little bit as well for keeping Steve in the dark and hurting him too, but hey – you were entitled at least, you were the target of the jest that the three antichrists came up with.

Hell, Bucky even considered reaching out to you himself since you kept ignoring Steve; not necessarily to scold you, god forbid actually punch you, but just to beg you to talk to his friend.

In the end, he decided against it, because it wasn’t quite his business and you probably knew better than him when you were ready to talk. God knew that seeing you broken and in tears would hurt Steve too and it would only feed his doubts and as Bucky suspected, misplaced guilt.

No one wanted to see that right? Bucky surely didn’t.

He truly just wanted his friend happy and the thing was, you made him the happiest Bucky had ever seen him, even with the complications and ‘controversy’ surrounding your relationship.

So when after days of silence on your end Bucky entered the office and saw a sombre expression on Steve’s face, somewhat more pensive than his recent usual, and a phone in his hand, he froze in the doorway, heart stopping in his chest.

Oh. Oh no, please don’t let that be it.

His heart kicked back in when he focused on Steve’s eyes – they were downcast, but visibly not teary and Bucky breathed a sigh of relief. Manly men and all that, but fuck, Steve would shed a tear or two if you two were completely definitely over. Oh, and he would probably devastate the office in a burst of frustration.

“Hey Steve,” Bucky hummed nonchalantly, closing the door behind him and making his way to his desk. “Who was that?”

He purposely didn’t look at Steve so the punk wasn’t shy about talking about whatever conversation he had. It happened on occasion, Steve keeping stuff to himself, when he was thinking he was annoying Buck – but joke was on him. Yes, Steve could be annoying as fuck, but Bucky could stand a few emotional talks when his friend was on the verge of losing what seemed to be the love of his life.

“Uhm… nobody,” Steve responded simply, putting the device away. He started going through the papers on his desk as if searching for something in attempt to look busy.

Bucky rolled his eyes. As if that would work on him.

“Right. Try again.”

The rustling stopped, a resigned sigh falling from Steve’s lips before he admitted the truth. “Penny Cooper.”

Bucky’s head snapped to Steve, eyebrows jumping for a second.

He did not expect that answer, but he couldn’t say he found it an unpleasant surprise. When Bucky had thought about contacting you, he considered getting in touch with your best friend too.

And yes, he knew Penn Cooper’s name; hell, he had met her on a sort-of friendly hang-out night where you and Steve tried and very much failed at not being a disgustingly-in-love couple when having a night out with friends. Bucky hadn’t complained nearly as much as he could have, mostly because he was delighted to see Steve so lovestruck for a girl who was evidently just as lovestruck for him.

Anyway.

“Ah, Penny. You finally decided to call her. Good. How did it go?”

Steve didn’t appear to share Bucky’s hopeful sentiment, running a hand down his face and turning his gaze to the ceiling.

Bucky narrowed his eyes; while his heart sank at what seemed to be no good news, he could tell that this was not a mourning Steve. In fact, looking closer at Steve as he approached his desk, it was dawning to him that this was Steve overthinking something he heard from Penny.

Great. That’s probably even worse.

In attempt to prevent a catastrophe in making, Bucky did the only thing that came to his mind. He probed.

“That bad, huh?” he stated more than asked, crossing his arms on his chest. “She told you to leave her bestie alone?”

Steve grimaced, his eyebrows furrowing; a clear sign that he was digging deeper into a hole he was creating for himself in his head. The pit of misery and gloom. The pit of despair.

“Not exactly… I think.”

That was the problem with Steve really – sometimes, he thought. Steve Rogers was in fact known for occasional and epical impulsiveness, but so the gods above help if he sank into a well of overthinking. Because that usually led to a stupid decision, which was practically irreversible due to Steve’s infamous determination and stubbornness. It was next to impossible to talk him out of something once he made up his mind.

“Stop that, punk,” Bucky warned him silently, uncrossing his arms and giving Steve a glare.

“Stop what?” Steve asked with a sigh, as if he didn’t know.

“Overthinking. Get out of your head. It just produces loads of bullshit right now.”

“Bucky-“ was all that Steve said, sending his friend an imploring gaze, but Bucky was not fooled. The wheels of doom were still turning in Steve’s head, inevitably leading to the aforementioned bullshit.

And as Bucky had learned the hard way, once the final stage of decision-making was reached, there was no going back. Not with Steve. Which meant he had to stop that disastrous thought before Steve’s stubborn ass grew it into an apocalypse plant.

Then, Steve’s expression shifted; a minor change, yet all too visible to a man who knew him since he was a kid.

Bucky recognized what just happened… and he panicked.

When Bucky Barnes was panicking, he did things he wasn’t necessarily proud of later, but of which he was certain would work.

Plus, the quickly set-up plan was bound to kill two birds in one stone, giving Bucky’s unbearable urge lasting for the past few days an outlet. Win-win, crisis averted, right?

“Get up off your ass,” Bucky ordered, earning a half-heartedly invested surprised and confused raise of eyebrows from his friend.

However, Steve did not stand up.

“Get up, Steven.”

Slightly annoyed but resigned, Steve rose to his feet, the movement a testimony of how exhausted he was. How much energy the past few days had stolen from him… how much of energy he had spent on navigating through the maze of confusing and self-doubting thoughts.

But that was ending now; Bucky was going to make sure of that.

“What?” Steve sighed, clearly expecting more of the pep-talk, possibly more intense since he was asked to stand upright.

He was wrong.

Sorry, Steve.

Like a lightning, Bucky’s fist shot up to Steve’s nose and connected with it with a snap.

Steve stumbled back into the chair, barely catching himself and his nose, staring on Bucky wide-eyed and hurt.

To be fair, Bucky was hurting too – fuck, he forgot how punching people without boxing gloves felt.

“The fhuck-“

“-is wrong with you?!” Bucky finished as he was wondering the same, shaking his hand in hopes to distract himself from the pain.

For a brief second, satisfaction flashed in Steve’s eyes; but Bucky could tell that his get-out-of-your-head technique worked, so he was pretty satisfied himself. Not to mention that Steve probably felt that punch in the back of his skull, having literally rocked his world.

“I wah jugh godda hask!” Steve mumbled, checking the fingers hovering around his nose for blood, frowning as they indeed stained in some crimson – but nothing terrible, Bucky thought.

Then again, he wasn’t the one with cracked nose.

“Outta your head now?” he asked, unable to hide all of his smugness.

Steve frowned at him, clenching his jaw, but didn’t try to punch him back as he probably realized which purpose the unexpected and unusual violence served.

“Bhacky, wah ta hell-?”

“Right before I punched you – you decided to give up on her, didn’t you?” Bucky questioned, being 95% sure about it. Steve’s face told him it should have been 100%. Idiot. Sad and having the right, but still an idiot. “The Steve Rogers I know wouldn’t give up.”

“How did you even-?” Steve asked incredulously, not trying to deny it, not even with his words.

As if Bucky still needed words with him. He knew him almost better than himself.

Also, it was funny how quickly Steve’s punch-induced mumble disappeared.

“You kidding? You’re acting like I didn’t know you since you were six. And during all that time, I didn’t see you give up, not fucking once!”

The slight raise in volume of Bucky’s voice stirred something in Steve – or perhaps it was the accusatory tone by which Bucky was shamelessly trying to provoke a reaction. Because really, Steve desperately needed to leave his overactive brain behind and experience some new emotion besides pure misery and guilt. Anger was okay, Bucky supposed – not great, but okay.

“Jesus, Buck! You know this isn’t it! Look at the mess we already made!” Steve exploded, throwing his hand in the air. “What about in the future? She was planning doing her master’s here! And what about in her future job? It was on the Internet – it never goes away! It will stay with her like a fucking plague, a bomb loaded with C4 ready to be set off! They’ll do a background check and come across it and decide that it would send a bad message to people. Or they’ll humiliate her again, mock her that she’s gonna start an affair on the workplace too. She won’t get the job just because of being with me and they’ll call her a whore on top of that--she doesn’t deserve that!”

The name you had been called stood out even in the long passionate monologue – Steve spited it out with so much venom and hatred towards anyone who would dare to call you that that Bucky nearly had to take a step back from the intense crackling in the air.

He watched Steve take a deep breath in silence, frustrated and sorrowful blue orbits watching with a silent plea to understand.

And Bucky did; he really did. To a point.

“She doesn’t deserve that, Buck,” Steve echoed in a whisper.

A whisper of a broken man, torn between seeking his own happiness on expense of someone else’s and doing what was right in his mind.

Bucky reciprocated the stare, simultaneously impressed and unimpressed as his mind had already put together what Steve had been thinking before saying it out loud. Steve’s speech only confirmed his fears of how Steve would twist what was happening into something he was to be blamed for completely... and would come up with doomsday scenarios.

Except there were always two people (well, sometimes more), when it came to this sort of thing, weren’t there? Two people who were equally participating in this relationship, both very much willingly.

“…you done?”

The plea in Steve’s eyes seemed to deepen before he averted Bucky’s gaze in shame.

Like Steve should be ashamed for the crimes against human decency others committed. Crimes like writing bad poetry and putting in on walls.

“No. You know what else is there. I know you know.”

Yes, Bucky knew.

“You bet your perfect dramatic ass I do, Rogers. I figured they weren’t exactly love letters, because you have zero poker face. How many times? What did they call you? A perv? A molester?” Bucky grinded his teeth, the urge to hit someone returning instantly, hungry and thirsty for blood – and Steve’s nose wouldn’t do this time. He needed a real asshole so he could feel like he made a difference.

Bucky was aware that Steve had started receiving the hate letters almost as soon as the whispers about the relationship started. He had never said a word about them to Bucky and at first, Bucky had been thinking they might have been love letters from someone else, causing him to frown, because in which universe wanted Steve someone unhappy, let alone because of him?

But it soon dawned to him; precisely because Steve hadn’t shared them. Not with Buck and not with you, he suspected. He couldn’t decide which was worse.

“…among other things,” Steve sighed and shook his head. “It would be tiring, it is, but… you’re right. I don’t give up easily. That kind of hate letters… those I can handle. But they said I’ll ruin her future too… and they’re right, it’s already started. I can’t-- not her, Buck. I can’t watch her deal with that bullshit. This can never happen again. I—I have to let her go.”

Weren’t they just over it? That Steve’s head was in no state to make reasonable choices?

“You cannot unring a bell, Steve. It’s done. You said so, it’s on the internet. Tony’s done his best to delete the trail, so the digital print is practically non-existent, but it’s done,” Bucky remarked matter-of-factly. “The things you’re saying, they might be true to some extent, not as tragic as you paint them though. The question is – are you gonna fight for the two of you, so the good stays too… or are you gonna leave like that, on that real fucked-up note and regret it in few years’ time when you look back at this?”

Bucky could pinpoint the exact moment all fight left Steve’s body – his shoulders slumped and his expression turned resigned, almost desperate as he looked up into Bucky’s eyes, his gaze speaking thousands of words.

“It doesn’t matter,” Steve whispered, averting Bucky’s gaze then, focusing on his desk instead, staring blindly ahead. “She wouldn’t talk to me, Buck. I tried, you know that. She’s done with me.“

Bucky sighed and leaned his palms onto the desk, easing the pressure on Steve’s poor tormented soul by softening his demeanour. In the end, all he was trying to do was to help – no matter how frustrated he was getting.

“Of course she wouldn’t talk you, Steve. She’s probably just as caught up in her head as you are in yours. I just hope that Cooper is working on getting her out. What did she tell you?”

Steve gulped and bit on the inside of his cheek. Bucky would swear he saw a hint of a blush on his friend’s cheek and an unpleasant hunch crept up on him.

Oh no, he didn’t.

“…that I shouldn’t come over so I don’t push her too much. That she might not be responding, but she’s listening to all of my voicemails and reads all the texts and e-mails, so until she explicitly asks me to lose her number, I should keep trying,” Steve mumbled, traces of both hope and shame lacing his voice.

Bucky pushed off of the desk and huffed loudly, looking up to the ceiling and pleading God for strength.

A dumbass. His friend was a complete and utter dumbass.

When Bucky spared him a glare that told the blond what he was thinking, Steve sunk further into his chair.

And Bucky was honestly so so done.

Hadn’t he been delighted at the turn of events and Penny, the best friend, giving them hope, he might have punched Steve again for being a dramatic fool. And for being an idiot.

“Sometimes I think you like getting punched, Steven, I have no other explanation,” Bucky deadpanned and then closed his eyes and went to massage the bridge of his nose to ease the headache that was starting to build up in reaction to stress. He loved Steve to bits, honest to God, but he really could be an idiot sometimes. “So you talk to the friend, who probably knows her through and through, she tells you this and still you go: nah, let’s leave her alone, let’s break things off, let’s give up. Jesus, Steve.”

Steve held up his hands palms up, apparently lost and clueless.

Okay, Bucky felt for him. But still.

“I don’t know what else to do, Buck. I- I love her. She’s everything I could ever want, I cannot imagine losing her. It’s… it’s making me sick to just think-- but I don’t want to ruin her life either, Buck, I don’t want to-“

“Be happy?” Bucky interrupted, earning a deadly glare from his friend. “Don’t give me that look. I told you. Now, she’s probably still processing, just like you. Her head is probably a mess… just like yours. I know it’s hard, fuck, I know. But try and do what Cooper is telling you and stay patient. Oh, and I don’t know, maybe just-- don’t. Give. Up.”

Bucky had to gather his next thoughts, not at all happy about what he was about to say next, feeling like he was undermining the message he was trying to get through. But he believed that Steve needed to hear that too – his righteous side would love it, in fact.  

“And then, let her make the choice. It will hurt like a bitch if she decides to break up, but at least you won’t be making her choice for her. I think there’s a fair chance that she’ll come around. She likes you a lot too, you know.”

“She said anything to you?” Steve’s head snapped up automatically, his face lighting up with a hint of an eager smile.

Hadn’t he been so cute, Bucky would have rolled his eyes at him. Instead, he shared his observation that took zero effort to gain. Everyone who had at least one functioning eye would notice… which included Fury. Anyway-

“She didn’t have to. It’s written all over her face, in her body language. Shit Steve, you practically live together, how can you even doubt her feelings for you? I thought you were like… soulmates almost. Shared everything and stuff…” Which lead him to another thought, a brief surge of fear that there was one thing that might complicate this matter further if possible. “But she doesn’t know about those ‘love’ letters, does she?”

“God, of course not!”

“Good, then she can make a decision to overcome this on her own, just like you decided to deal with your problem alone,” Bucky offered and a smile slowly spread on his lips. “Just… share it with her once things are a bit calmer, will ya’? You don’t want her to find out on her own.”

Steve mirrored his expression, the tension in his body visibly easing. Bucky could kiss Penny Cooper at that moment. Hell, maybe he would the next time he saw her, just because.

“…you really think I should keep trying?” Steve asked, genuinely curious, but obviously knowing the answer already, seeing as his bashful smile widened.

Really?!

“Steven, my hand hurts, don’t make me punch you again.”

“…point taken,” Steve chuckled, turning his palms to Bucky in a show of meaning no harm. And not wanting to get hit again, probably. “I can’t believe you hit me.”

Bucky had to admit that it wasn’t his brightest moment – but hey, it worked, so guess it was sort of a genius move after all.

His eyebrows jumped suggestively, teasing. “Didn’t think I’d see the day you’ll be on the receiving end of the infamous Barnes’ super-jab.”

“Oh, quit bragging.”

“Blah blah blah, you’re just mad because my fists are like made of iron,” Bucky exclaimed, clenching them and showing them off, causing another chuckle bubble in Steve’s chest.

Bucky’s heart jumped in joy – it was like gift from heavens to see Steve like this after the days of gloom.

“Jerk.”

“Punk.”

“Thank you,” Steve retorted in the same manner, but Bucky read honest gratitude in the two simple words.

“You’re welcome,” he replied with the similar simplicity and depth they both understood. “Drinks?”

“God, yes.”

“No hard liquor tho, we need you in good shape when your girl calls you back,” Bucky pointed out, satisfied when Steve’s smile widened a fraction more.

“You got yourself a deal, Buck.”

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The night before graduation ceremony, Steve forwarded one of the strangest texts he had ever received to Bucky: Come. Incognito. Blend with the crowd till you get a signal.

Steve apparently wasn’t sure what was your best friend trying to say – or he rather had no clue why would she ask him to do that, why come to the graduation (which made him hopeful) and why in secret (which confused the heck out of him).

He and Bucky agreed that Steve should listen to the advice though; what did he have to lose anyway?

Few minutes before midnight, Steve sent a simple answer: OK.

Several moments later, somewhere in the campus, another phone beeped on a young woman’s nightstand.

Operation: Morons is on.

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Part 3 (final for Attached: Hurtful Words)

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Thank you for reading! 

It got a bit out of hand... I really had planned this to be a two-shot for the series, but my usual longwinded writing got in the way. I hope that’s okay and that you liked the Steve-Bucky bro moment at least a bit :)

[ozzdog12]

2020 Top 7 (and 1)

2020 am I right? We saw an insane amount of games come out and 2 brand new consoles. What a wild and weird year for gaming, and life in general. In case you are relatively new here, and to be honest that would be completely fair considering I don't post very often on Tumblr anymore, every year going on the last 4 years (on here) I have done a Top 7 (& 1) for my favorite videogames of the year. Check out 2019, 2018, & 2017. What’s wild, as I look back on my list of games that I’ve completed and played, only maybe 10 came out this year. 2020 was a huge backlog year. 

Lets get on with the ‘And 1!”

Favorite Game that Didn’t Come out in 2020: Control (PS4)

Control may very well have been my 2019 Game of the Year, had I played it in 2019. I LOVED Control. I wanted to play it in 2019, but initial reports that it was a little rough on base consoles put me off until it was fixed. And Holy smokes what an insanely fun and trippy game once I finally started it. I knew within the first 20 minutes this was going to be the shit when I went down a hall, walked into a room and talked to the “janitor” left out a door behind him and the entire building had shifted. I’ve always liked Remedy games, but from a distance. Max Payne 1&2 and Alan Wake all oozed with weirdness and intrigue, but never enough for me to finish them. I missed out on Quantum Break. The story is Control is just the right amount of mind f*!$ for me and builds a universe I didn’t know I needed. It take some time to piece everything together, then everything just clicks. The game does have a weird difficulty spike when fighting bosses and the checkpoints were too far apart at times, but those were later patched. I spent an insane amount of time within the Federal Bureau of Control building and even more time after that with the Foundation and AWE DLC and it STILL wasn’t enough. I wanted more. Outside of Prey, I can’t think of another game that stuck in my brain more after I’d finished it. Control is absolutely a MUST PLAY title. In a world where everything sort’ve feels similar, Control stands out of the crowd.

Number 7: Astro’s Playroom (PS5)

I never thought in my wildest dreams that a game I had almost zero interest in playing would end up on my list of favorite games this year. Astro’s Playroom is being labeled as a ‘Tech demo’ but that feels like an insult to what it is. It’s a full fledged game and its free! I’ve paid more for less. A charming little platformer that lives and breathes the history of the Playstation. So many cool Easter eggs and references. It certainly centers its gameplay around the DualSense controller and everything it can do, but at its core, its a completely approachable and forgiving 3D platformer. I played it just to see what it was about, next thing i knew I had completed all the levels and wanted to further explore all the nooks and crannies within the game. I wanted to see everything the game had to offer and I had an absolute blast doing so. Makes me kinda wish I’d played the previous game on PSVR (I’d have to have a PSVR too)

Number 6: Spider-Man: Miles Morales (PS5)

Another quality title, albeit a spin-off, from Insomniac to add to their Spider Man universe. Gameplay felt obviously like Spider-Man, but Miles has unique abilities that made the game feel different enough, especially the cloak and stealth. I enjoyed the fact that it was short and concise. The issue with most ‘open-world’ games is that they are entirely too bloated with unnecessary filler content (I’ll get to that in a later game), something I felt the first game suffered from, but I also understand why they are there. However I could’ve use one or two more story missions to help flesh out some characters, but it wasn’t required and didn’t change my opinion one way or the other. My one BIG gripe was with Miles himself. He is an extremely smart young kid, but so incredibly naïve. Peter Parker tells him the one thing he SHOULD NOT do is tell people he is Spider-Man. I get it, that’s part of his growth, but Miles thinks he can just solve his problems by revealing his identity and it almost certainly never works out. 

Number 5: The Last of Us: Part 2 (PS4)

The Last of Us Part 2 may be the most polarizing game in the history of the medium, but for the absolute wrong reasons. I’m in the minority that I very much enjoyed my experience with TLOU2, quite a bit actually. Its better in every single way over its predecessor, except the overall story. There are plenty of fair criticisms to be had about the story and various things within the game itself, but I thought the gameplay was so tight and crunchy. There were genuine moments of suspense and terror that I felt that no other game has ever given me. The entire hospital section (2nd time) was so susensful, I had to put my controller down to gther myself. Some of my favorite moments in the series I experienced with a character I wasn’t overly fond of. How many games can do that? The Last of Us Part 2 was meant to invoke emotion, not necessarily joy. I think that's what people lost along the way. Say what you will about the direction Naughty Dog has taken over the years, but you would be hard pressed to find a studio that makes games graphically better than they do. Yes, I know about their crunch culture, but this is not a place for that. I will say, the game was a tad bit too long, which is not something it typically say for a single player, narrative driven game. The pacing and the way the story was told wasn’t my favorite, but I respect what it was trying to do, even if it failed in some aspect of that, I finished the game within the week it was released. Something I RARELY ever do. I’m a father and I related with Joel a lot in TLOU, but I also recognized how wrong he was. There is a lesson to be learned. Your actions always have consequences and while he was doing what he thought was the right thing, it wasn’t his choice to make, and in doing so set up a series of events that were entirely avoidable, but again, that’s the point isn’t it?

Number 4: Grindstone (Switch)

I’m counting this as a 2020 game since it just came to the Switch this year ( less than a month ago) but its not the first time I’ve played it. Grindstone was the only reason I kept my Apple Arcade subscription and when I let it lapse, there was a void I just couldn’t fill. I bought Puzzle Quest on Switch but it just wasn't the same. Its THE perfect game for bite sized play, even though in its addictive nature, you’ll clear a few levels and an hour has passed before you know it. It has the perfect amount of depth that most ‘match’ games don't. You have different weapons, items, and outfits w/perks to use and experiment with to keep it fresh. I went months without playing my Switch and when this was announced in August, I couldn’t wait! Sadly, I had to wait 3 months, but since then I have spent so much time on the Switch. It gave me a reason to play it again. The art style and humour is great. The variety of enemies and challenge is just right. I can’t recommend it enough. Seriously, check this game out!

Number 3: Doom Eternal (Xbox One)

I will be the first to tell you, I did not like Doom (2016). I found it extremely boring and trite. I understood what Doom(2016) was doing and it succeeded, maybe too much. Nostalgia is a helluva thing. So in saying that, I was mildly interested in Doom Eternal. Doom Eternal is nothing like 2016 outside of it being a Doom game that connects to the rest of them (& also being a sequel to 2016). The mechanics are drastically different with more platforming (for better or worse). Eternal is challenging, at times very hard, especially early on. Eternal has no respect for its players, in a weirdly good way. It laughs at how you’ve played FPS before this one and WILL MAKE you play it its way, not your way. Yes, you point and shoot, but ammo is scare and you MUST use everything in your arsenal. No more using just 2 guns for the whole game. The enemies are relentless. Sometimes you have to pause and take a breath after a battle because you go a 100 mph for the whole fight. You have to continuously move or you die. There is an enticing rhythm to it. I categorize Eternal as ‘Blood Ballet’. Its a game where when your feeling it, much like a rhythm game, you get in the zone and there is no stopping demons from getting slayed. Surprisingly, unlike most games in the genre, it seemed to get easier (sans one extremely frustrating platforming section late in the game) the longer you played it. Was that a testament that I ‘learned’ the Eternal way or it truly did get easier? I don’t know, but the final Boss(es) were....easy.. I had more problems and deaths within the first 4 hours than I did the final 8-9 hours. The multiplayer was also surprisingly fun. The older I get, the less interested I am in multiplayer, but I found myself coming back for more for a good month or so. 

Number 2: Gears Tactics (Xbox One)

As 2020 comes to a close, I came to a stunning realization. I might be a bigger Gears of War fan than I had previously thought. Don’t get me wrong. I love Gears, but I seem to love Gears more than I thought. I'm way more invested into the lore than I recall. Anyways, Gears Tactics is everything XCOM 2 SHOULD’VE been. Not only does Gears Tactics utilize the Overwatch action, its makes it EXTREMELY important. The story revolves around the father of Kait Diaz, Gabe and a ragtag group of mostly random soldiers to take down Ukkon. Anyone who is remotely interested in the Gears universe will love the story and references. The gameplay is just so damn satisfying. The bosses are very challenging and different. I actually had to change my strategy to finish the final boss. I experimented with a totally different style of class and was rewarded for it. The post game stuff is also aplenty. This game scratched a VERY specific itch for me and I’m itchy to jump back in. I’m glad this came to Xbox One because I’m current computer could not run it.

Number 1: Ghost of Tsushima (PS4)

I have a very odd relationship with massive open world games. I love them, but I get very burnt out on them. They all have a relatively same-y formula and are often populated with bloat. GoT does have some of that but to its advantage, its not very populated, in a good way. One of the things that I really appreciated about GoT and its side quest is most of them felt meaningful. The thing that really stood out to me about GoT is the absolutely satisfying combat. It just feels SO GOOD. It requires timing and patience. There are different fighting styles for different enemies and even the armor you wear is more than just cosmetic. The combat is so fun and satisfying that I was immediately excited when they announced Legends, a multiplayer add on, for free. Its so much fun and is a blast to play with a group of friends. I’m sporadically still playing the Legends mode. I initially wanted to play the game in ‘Kurosawa’ mode but I am glad I didn’t because the game, even on the PS4 is stunning, and on the upgrade on PS5 is jaw-droppingly smooth. I did play the entire game in Japanese with English subtitles. I still don't know what Jin’s English voice sounds like. GoT does a good job a drip feeding you new abilities and things to keep things fresh. I love stealth and once I unlocked it, I spent the majority of every battle taking out as many enemies as I could while in stealth mode. Ghost of Tsushima does a lot of things very well, that the few things it doesn’t can be easily overlooked.

[transformersvn]

Thoughts on Transformers: War For Cybertron - Earthrise

My thoughts on this are less cohesive than last time, so I hope you're ready for a long ramble as I try to figure out exactly what I think about the series.

Tl;dr - still looks really pretty, but Siege’s weak writing hasn't improved.

Spoilers below the cut.

Earthrise generally suffers from being part 2 of 3. It's focused on getting characters from point A (Cybertron) to point B (Earth) and doesn't really do much in the meantime. You could've cut episodes 4 and 5 and it wouldn't have affected the plot all that much.

Megatron and Optimus

They need to stop having fights. It'd be best for their characters and the plot if they hadn't spent several minutes pointing guns at each other and saying that *this* time they were actually going to kill them. Just follow through already and if you can't then keep them apart until the climax.

Optimus getting distracted by Cog running up and going 'Optimus! What are you doing?!' was stupid. Cog should've been glad that Optimus was finally at the point where he wouldn't sacrifice every last Autobot to save Megatron if given the opportunity.

Them being trapped together was pointless and stupid (aside from that one screenshot we all made). Megatron's point that Optimus keeps screwing up and it's Megatron who pays the price was interesting - but it was surrounded by so much nonsense that it fell flat.

Speaking of…

Autobot Decepticon teamups

Are they trying to lean towards ending the series with mutual cooperation and peace? Their 'we all need to work together' moments were always horribly shoehorned and the Autobots didn't once try to put measures in place to defend themselves when the Decepticons inevitably betrayed them.

I like hero/villain teamups, but it doesn't work if the heroes are stupid about them.

Scorponok fight

There is a big room with a big enemy in. The Autobots have shut themselves in a corridor on one side of the room. They need to reach the other side of the room without getting killed. Whose idea was it to try and kill Scorponok instead of just evasive maneuvers to the other side of the room?!?

To be fair, Optimus did try and run distraction, but Bumblebee decided that was a stupid plan and standing still and shooting at the enemy - that none of their blasters had even scratched - was a better one.

It was a stupid fight. If they wanted a Megatron/Optimus moment so badly then, hey, the Autobots have rigged the station to blow and the Decepticons don't know that - have Megatron set off an explosion by accident and trap him and Optimus (who could've been diving forward to try and stop Megatron, thereby getting close).

The Dead Universe

You could've replaced this with Optimus getting a vision from the Matrix and Megatron having a short visit from future!Galvatron. It wasted time that could've been spent on actual character development.

Skylynx had about 3 lines that he just repeated variants of the whole episode.

Was it clear to anyone who hadn't seen the 1986 movie exactly what the Megatron/Galvatron link was? They were pretty vague about it.

Also, if Skylynx's advice made Optimus go 'hmm, yes, I should stop looking back and actually kill Megatron to prevent my own death', then Galvatron's advice to Megatron should've made him go 'I don't hate Prime this much/if he’s dedicated all his effort into stopping Prime and still failed, there must be another way'. I suppose, he didn’t kill Optimus when given a perfect opportunity, but that also just felt like an extension of their endless *points gun* “one-liner” *tables are turned* cycle.

Elita

Poor, poor, badly written Elita. She can't get anything done without Jetfire - the big strong man - questioning her or being the one to save the day, or making a desperate plan to try and fight their way out of captivity when they're going to be sacrificed, but we never see their escape attempt.

I don't think she acts like someone who is on a doomed planet. Breaking into prisons camps makes less sense than trying to find a way to fix things. Let her fail, fine, but give her a fighting chance to try and reignite Cybertron or, say, find someone who is rumoured to be able to create synthetic energon - which could've been a reason for prison breaks at least.

And it was probably meant to be read differently, but Elita's silence over her name when Megatron called her Ariel to her face, versus Optimus snarling that ‘her name is Elita-1!′ when Megatron used 'Ariel' around him, kinda makes me wonder whose decision it was to rename her.

Cog

They don't get to make me sad about a character death when that character had previously stopped Optimus from finally trying to kill Megatron and also failed to just bloody shoot Deeceus. And had he really taken the enemy ship? Really?

Misc

We never found out why the station was trapped halfway through the Spacebridge.

Optimus's voice actor still sounds like a bad Batman when he's angry, though he might've gotten away with it if Megatron's voice actor didn't have such a good "Prime" snarl.

Everyone is miserable, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in a series about the struggles of war, but when it's aimed at kids you have to ask the question: are they enjoying it? It is fun to watch?

Ultra Magnus's head was sort of flagged up as important - specifically its location was noted by Elita - but never appeared again once Megatron left Cybertron. Did he take it with him?

For having such a hard-on for the 1986 movie, their decision to have Megatron beg for mercy (something quite out of character for this version of Megatron) and not include Optimus's 'you who are without mercy now plead for it?' line was a weird whiplashy moment.

Showing Glavatron and Unicron in the trailer when they literally appear for one episode and five second respectively was seriously false advertising. When did people forget that watching a trailer is supposed to give you an idea of the type/style of plot the media is supposed to deliver?

The editing is bad in several places. There were often moments where there would be an explosion in place A, then it'd cut to a battered character in place B getting up in a ruined room, making it look like they'd been in said explosion. Confusing in a series where palette-swapping and similar character designs already make it difficult for newcomers to tell what's going on.

The velociraptor-bot at the end looked like 90's CGI and I really hope Kingdom doesn't all look like that.

If Hot Rod doesn't show up and get the Matrix in Kingdom I'm going to be severely disappointed.

Starscream really likes speechifying to a tiny audience. He makes his bid to become leader in front of a nameless Decepticon, Soundwave, Ravage, and an injured Megatron - who promptly shoots him. I have to admit that he’s probably the character they did best by, his coup moments were pretty good and captured Starscream as we all know him.

Like the question of what exactly was under siege in Siege, Earthrise only gets to Earth at the end of the last episode.

Wheeljack felt weirdly useless. He didn’t get to go through with his plan of blowing up the station and couldn’t open a pair of blast doors that Soundwave had 0 problems with. After not being the one to fix the Spacebridge in Siege, he’s not feeling much like an engineer.

You had to guess motivations and plans and fairly often piece things together backwards after the fact. Having an idea of who everyone was made that easier for me than for non-fans, but I still ended up running on incorrect assumptions about what people were going to do and why.

...

So, there you go. I guess I’m still going to watch Kingdom when it comes out, but I think I’ve lost all my optimism for it being any good.

[bassiter2]

the more i think about it the more i think i’ll actually be extremely disappointed if there isn’t ever a gus (and max)-centric prequel series

firstly we all know that good things come in threes and even if they didn’t, gus fits into a pre-existing trifecta of men within the breaking bad universe who control it all: walt’s actions fuel the main series, which chronicles his descent into evil. saul enables much of walt’s success, and so he’s gotten his own series that chronicles his loss of a moral center as well as shows how all of his resources came together to allow walt to do what he does later.

meanwhile gus is the one who triggers all of that into motion, and he’s done it almost entirely on purpose - if you don’t count the event that all of it is responding to, of course. gus is responsible for the meth trade in albuquerque. he’s connected to saul and mike and madrigal and the cartel. he’s literally at the core of the overarching plot of breaking bad.

we of course already know the exact event that drove gus to craft the circumstances in which saul’s and later walt’s stories took place, but what i’m suggesting is not yet another series about the aftermath of max’s murder that’s simply very direct about that fact this time --

no, what i’m suggesting and more importantly what i would LOVE... is a series that would show everything before max’s murder. 

and yes, this would essentially make it so the protagonist doesn’t technically break bad until the very end - OR, possibly even, that this time the protagonist’s arc is not about him getting worse at all but in fact better. which would then make it a sort of doubly ironic tragedy bc not only do we know exactly where gus ends up, but we wouldn’t even be having to confront that fact or those themes for the majority of the series, unlike with bcs and saul’s tragedy. it wouldn’t necessarily be a very happy story that simply ends with a bang, but the decay that leads up to that bang (i’m thinking, the decay of gus’s ability or want to act without extreme forethought, or to be inconsiderate?) would just be much more subtle bc it’s not of the moral variety.

frankly it’s these contrasts with brba and bcs that i think would make a potential gus-centric prequel series really fucking good and feel even more complete. like, watching bcs is really like watching a lot of the same problems that brba put out there but then they get solved completely differently, allowing us to see all angles. imagine the angles we’d see with gus, who is already a clear foil for walt!

it would be a perfect sort of mirror-image parallel, with bcs sitting in the middle between it and breaking bad both chronologically and symbolically. consider:

walt has an established marriage that’s doomed to fail and does so rapidly. saul has a sort-of gf who quickly develops more and then their relationship slowly falls apart. and gus's onscreen romance with max would actually begin before day 1, developing throughout the series.

family. walt clings to the idea that everything he does is for them in order to justify his actions, but isn’t actually very involved with them. saul is VERY involved with his family and it’s actually that involvement that drives him to start doing more bad things out of spite. and gus would likely feel justified in doing any of the bad things he does because he has NO family.

the dichotomy of walt’s domestic life vs. his criminal life. skyler vs. jesse. for saul, kim embodies that dichotomy all herself and switches between the skyler role and jesse role at will (though at great cost to her own self). and for gus? it remains to be seen, but i imagine he could be the one successfully embodying skyler and jesse once it gets to that point. max is the one who knows how to make meth, after all.

walt dives headfirst into the criminal underground upon feeling like he’s been given the first ever opportunity to do big things, full of turmoil the whole time until he dies and takes almost everyone else down with him. saul relatively passively allows the criminal world to take him, being sapped gradually over time of a moral compass until he’s a wholly opportunistic shell of a man. gus, during bcs and brba, successfully rides the line between the legitimate world and the criminal one. something tells me he started in the realm of crime and worked his way up.

anyway even aside from all that it’s honestly just? WILD how little of gus’s past we actually know when he’s so significant to the plot??? there’s such small hints that you REALLY have to pay attention to, and even then we don’t get a clear picture. 

we know he had a reputation prior to meeting the salamancas - a reputation that saved his life. and we know it’s something military-related and likely to do with the pinochet regime. and we know that he started off in deep poverty but by the 80s was wealthy enough to pay for max’s education. but that’s it! and that’s PERFECT potential for a premise of a series! it’s only fair that we could see those blanks get filled in, and especially to do the same thing we did with walt and saul - to watch, in real time, how gus became the man we’ve known him to be since at least 1989. 

finally the fact that this potential show would surely also just be a beautiful period piece that would put gay latino representation on the mainstream’s radar.......... like PLEASE holy shit

[secondpubertyscene]

4.23.2020

Today, I was victorious. It sounds so odd to be happy right now, with where my life is at, but I am happy. Today, for the first time in my life, I held my ground on a boundary with someone that I love dearly and, in all honesty, I have never felt prouder of myself. I’ll back up a little though, I did jump right in, didn’t I? I suppose an update is in order.

 We left off last year in August, just as I was about to re-enter college and I was talking about the girl that I felt was perfect for me, but felt conflicted about whether or not I was really ready for all that came with a relationship. In short, I was not. Without diving too deep into the details of our relationship, a few things became apparent to me very quickly as our romantic relationship came to a halt just a while ago. One, I was far too comfortable compromising on my boundaries; two, I was too content not getting what I put in; and three, I have so far to go on my self-love journey. I’ll break these down for ya.

 In my youth, the role of caretaker was forced upon me unintentionally by my mother (I can hear y’all now laughing about my mommy issues, lmao). When I moved in with her, I was thrust into a world that looked wholly unfamiliar in every way. Not only had the physical environment around me changed, but the emotional space, the support, and the care I used to receive became low quality. I was required to parent myself and my mother. Cooking, cleaning, signing my own letters for school, setting up my own doctor’s appointments, doing all of my applications to high school with the folks at school, and trying to push down my feelings about the feelings of abandonment, loss, and deep sadness that were weighing heavily on me at all times.

 At 11 and 12, those burdens were hard to carry, but as I got older, it began to feel normal. Caregiving became a more normal part of my life and routine, so much so that I didn’t even notice that I was doing it all the time. I would find myself playing therapist for my mom, providing both her and I with financial support, and trying to complete school for myself while figuring out my identity. It became so normal, so second nature, that it no longer felt odd but instead the expectation for all of my relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

 Hence, we have the string of codependent relationships where I overextended myself and built a culture of enabling inappropriate and hurtful behavior thinking it would be unfair for me to not help someone anymore just because it hurt me. My mantra was and still is, “I will always be okay.” That belief made me feel like it was justifiable for people to hurt me because in the end, I knew I would come out of it on the other side okay. But what about them? Would they be able to handle me leaving them when they’re down? Is it fair for me to expect them to treat me the way I treat them when I know they’re already struggling with their own stuff? What if they hurt themselves because I left them? The answers to those questions, as I have found, are ones that didn’t really have much to do with me.

 I guess, what I’m saying in short is, I think being a caretaker or giver or whatever you want to call it is not necessarily bad. But the way that I have taken on that role is harmful to not only me, but to the people I call myself taking care of. While yes, I have helped countless people gain more skills with communication, parsing through their emotional baggage, and even building up some folks’ sex game, I also hurt them by enabling hurtful, damaging behaviors. Every time I said it was okay when I was lied to, hit, sexually assaulted, emotionally manipulated or abused, I was telling them that I would accept that. I would give them my all, let them walk all over me, and then tell them it was okay when they expressed some remorse. Instead of holding them to a higher standard, instead of leaving for my own good, instead of demanding better treatment, I said it was okay. Because I believed I would be okay. But didn’t believe they would be. If I had helped them that much, if I helped them make all the progress, how could I leave after that? I made endless excuses for their behavior for them, I convinced myself that they would get better with more time, with more patience. What I failed to realize, however, was that they were indeed getting better, but not for me. The things they gained from the relationship were great and the progress they made was great for them, but when it came to their treatment of me, it would never get better so long as I kept being a doormat. If anyone can get something for almost no effort on their part, why put in effort? If they could get the benefits of being my partner but not treat me well and know that at the end of the day, they could still get what they want, then what would be the point of doing better?

 I’m not saying that all of my past partners have done that and I don’t even think I’m comfortable saying that anyone that did do those things to be did them with that mentality at the forefront of their conceptualization of our relationship. I believe that mentality came with time and perhaps not even clearly to them. I created that space for that, I made it okay to them, and I ultimately doomed myself to continue a cycle of pain and frustration and hurt.

 But no more.

 Today, I was victorious. Today, I held a boundary for myself, for my health, for my wellbeing. Today, I was my own champion. I stopped asking what would happen for them and got curious about what would happen to me if I continued this path. Today, I won. And boy, does it feel good.

 See ya soon,

Miles

[adamatomic]

Design of Doom Eternal

Wanted to jot down some thoughts while they were still fresh, and I hate writing threads on Twitter, so, here we are.

(Surprise! Male game designer has DOOM OPINIONS. BEHOLD LOL)

First, disclaimers: what follows is super subjective, pretty picky, and likely unjustified. I love a good mobility shooter - Doom 2016 and Titanfall 2 are the only western shooters I really enjoy, and each do super interesting things spatially, mechanically, etc. However, I’ve never worked on any kind of FPS type of game, and never worked on a AAA game, nor shipped a game during a global pandemic, and there’s a lot that I don’t understand about what goes into making this kind of thing, much less how it’s even possible. Making a followup to a well-loved and hugely successful game is also a terrifying prospect. Finally, I am about to "dwell” on what I perceive to be “negative” things about the game, which is pretty unfair, because there’s a LOT of positives (it’s fun, it’s gorgeous, the load times are crazy short, the vistas slay again, amazing accessibility options, perfect audio, etc etc). But I think this is a game where a lot of the positives are really in your face, and what again I personally perceive to be the negatives are a little bit harder to put your finger on. And this isn’t a review, and definitely isn’t yucking anyone’s yums. This is me trying to figure out why this one feels a bit different to play. Hopefully the unanimously positive reception of the game by literally everyone everywhere (including myself) balances out whatever acid might be in these queries.

OK!

Jungle Gyms Versus Canyons

Ok, so. Doom Eternal is structured a lot like 2016 in that it’s corridors linking big wave-based arenas, which is a good structure for a game about shooting all the things. Arenas can be flat-ish or tall-ish. Tall-ish arenas seem to roughly come in two flavors: jungle gyms, and canyons. Jungle gym arenas are the ones that I feel like took centerstage in the marketing and gameplay of Doom 2016, as a way of showing off the double-jump / ledge grab / launchpad vertical mobility stuff, and because they make narrative / thematic sense in the human-built oil rig environments that comprise much of Doom 2016′s level architecture. Jungle gyms are distinguished somewhat from canyons by generally having what feel like distinct “floors”, or solid planes creating multiple separated levels of combat. Canyons, even if they have some transverse traversal elements, are more open and chaotic, with less concrete divisions between elevations. I’m belaboring this essential difference because it has a bunch of second-order effects on gameplay - jungle gyms allow you to jump from skirmish to skirmish, you can use your mobility options to “interrupt” combat, while canyons are more continuous. Jungle gyms usually have more obstacles (like the aforementioned distinct floors) which make it slightly harder for long range enemy attacks to land, which reduces the overall ambient damage-soak.

The key thing about all these arenas - flat open spaces, distinct jungle gym environments, and canyon style playgrounds - is that you definitely want all of them in your game, because the strategy and tactics for playing these fights changes a lot based on these constraints. When do you want a roof over your head? When do you not? When do you want your back to a wall? These are valid and important differences for these games specifically, especially when basic resource management strategies in these encounters is pretty similar, and because the enemy behaviors and attacks have so much variety.

So far, though, Doom Eternal feels like it has a WHOLE LOT of canyons, and NOT a whole lot of jungle gyms. It’s possible that this changes later in the game, so take all this with a big grain of salt. But the first 3-4 hours of gameplay are really dominated by canyon-style vertical arenas, which isn’t necessarily ideal in terms of variety (and makes you angst a little harder for the wall-run affordances of other mobility shooters). They also tend to be slightly same-y, outdoor, rocky environments, versus the more oil rig-inspired, recognizably human-scale mining structures of 2016 (I’m sure this changes later in the game too). The oil rig-inspired stuff also lends itself to jungle gyms a lot more naturally, so I feel like these choices of arena shapes and environment types are kind of an interconnected and difficult problem.

None of this would really even qualify as a problem, either - this is nitpicking nitpicks, at this point - except relying on canyons so much exacerbates some of the “fussiness” of the combat changes (those are next). For me, anyways - I’m not sure anyone else is feeling like these are problems haha. And it’s a big game, so I’m not sure how much this stuff changes across the whole campaign yet!

Tactical Ballistics

A Doom thing I adored in 2016 and am continuing to enjoy in Eternal is the way ammo, health, and other arcade-style upgrades are thoughtfully placed around the arenas. It’s a nod to the strongest parts of Vanquish’s level design, and goes all the way back to using coins in Super Mario to lure players out to new places they might not explore otherwise. It’s a huge part of what gives the nu-Doom arenas their “chess-like” feel, and shifts the fights away from Serious Sam-style battles and makes them into four-dimensional puzzles. 2016 doubles down on this tactical approach by leveraging a kind of resource triangle of chainsaw kills, glory kills, and just plain firefights.

A lot of Eternal’s design seems committed to upping the ante on all of these strengths. Lower ammo capacities puts more pressure on the chainsaw kills. There’s a new technique called “flame belch” that turns the resource triangle into a resource square to accommodate armor. Monsters have “weak points” now, shortcuts that change their behavior or get you fast glory kills. It’s a pretty compelling jigsaw puzzle of abilities.

It also places a lot of strain on player attention and cognition, because all this is running on top of straight-up arena-wave firefights (with 7+ enemy types at a time, all with unique behaviors and optimal strats) AND beefy mobility controls (swinging, dashing, double-jumps, ledge grabs, launch pads, etc). It’s kind of a lot. But I don’t think this is necessarily the place for saying “this is DOOM, man, you got to keep it simple, just shoot the monsters, how come there’s even upgrades” or whatever. For so many reasons, but the primary of which is that most of this stuff rules, and throwing it away would suck. So what do you do?

I want to focus on two small, specific things that really stand out to me - I’m not totally sure that they’re actually “bad”, but I think they have a lot of weird secondary and tertiary effects that contribute to some perceptions of “fussiness” in some of the battles.

Weak Points

This is a big enough change that it is repeatedly tutorialized through video on every loading screen, after every game over, and after every new enemy is introduced... so I know it was on the designers’ radar haha. And it's an interesting addition - chess fights in Doom are already about hierarchies, and adding another tiny hierarchy within an existing hierarchy is a NICE bit of tension to add, it gives a kind of scrambly feeling that is good overall. The issue for me arises from an apparent or perceived damage scaling issue around these weak points. For example, the optional sniper rifle upgrade to the heavy cannon and the optional sticky bombs upgrade to the shotgun insta-wreck the arachnotron and revenant enemies’ weak points, while sustained plasma rifle fire doesn’t seem to ever do the job. Which makes sense on paper - this is a nice way of putting pressure on the player’s weapon choices and ammo, which is what it’s all about. Although I guess you could argue that it’s also all about movement, and that this particular combat pressure has a pretty tenuous relationship with mobility in general.

Either way, it means you spend a lot of time squinting at your weapon wheel mid-battle to see how many shots your shotgun still has, because you ran out of chainsaw fuel a while ago, and are still being actively bombarded at a pretty long distance (because its a canyon and not a jungle gym). I know, I need to git gud, trust me, i KNOW. But check out the weapon wheel ammo display size in Doom 2016 versus Doom Eternal:

I love the new color scheme and ammo icons in Eternal! But it’s 3-4x harder to read the actual, very important ammo counts.

All these small changes add up to something that feels like a pretty different gameplay experience compared to the more spatial (read: movement-based) and literally easier-to-read resource management stuff from 2016. Which, it’s a sequel - failing to sufficiently differentiate it is its own huge risk. And, to be fair, 2016 had its fair share of fussy (though more legible) weapon switching. But when you add this stuff up, the matrix of considerations in moment-to-moment combat in Eternal is pretty different from 2016, and I think it largely comes down to the damage scaling around the weak points. While you can technically choose to play through battles without leveraging weakpoints (thus sidestepping most of these cascading issues), this approach is heavily incentivized by the major behavior changes that happen after you hit weak points (in addition to the constant tutorializing) and the waves appear to have been balanced around taking advantage of these things. Whether or not these are even flaws, technically, whatever they are is exacerbated by the UI design of the weapon wheel AND the relatively popularity of the relatively unobscured canyon arenas. So it’s hard for me to judge weak point damage scaling in a vacuum.

Overall, these new combat options make the arenas feel more constrained and more prescribed. Design is a nightmare this way: sometimes by giving people more choices, you’re actually giving them less. My pitch for a small tweak that might engage with some of these issues would be to keep weak points, but get rid of the damage scaling and maybe make the hitboxes a little bigger. The goal here is NOT to make weak point enemies easier so much as to open up options about what weapons you can use against them, thereby reducing wheel squinting, thereby freeing up more attention to movement and all the other stuff that ruuuules about nu-Doom in general.

Also, I should clarify that it’s entirely possible that I completely imagined the weak point damage scaling, and am a big dummy with bad aim.

Flame Belch

This is a pretty small thing, there’s this new “flame belch” move, intended to complement the existing chainsaw and glory kill moves as a way of “farming” resources from combat, one of the things that really defined Doom 2016. It differs in one huge way though, in that it has to be committed to BEFORE killing a monster. Chainsaws and glory kills ARE kills. Flame belch adds a status instead, which is “cashed in” later when you do the kill. If chainsaw kills and glory kills and BFG shots are Super Mario jumps, Flame Belch is more like a Tony Hawk jump - it starts early and is carefully calculated. Which is pretty dope!! But in this environment where weak point damage scaling and canyon layouts are already putting huge strains on the player’s attention, it feels like a big ask. The “triangle button” mechanic from 2016, the BFG, was a kill move with cool-down, so really I’m just suggesting stuff they already tried anyways. There’s no way this is news to anybody, much less the developers haha.

But... I would love to play a build where flame belch was totally a thing, just it was a finishing move, not a status thing. Let it plug into that reload-replacing resource-farming punctuation pacing flow. That shit rules.

Of course, I have to wonder what the unintended secondary and tertiary consequences of these suggestions would be. Good action games are often tenuous and deeply interconnected things where results are really hard to predict. Maybe they already tried these ideas and they sucked, or they know their own game a lot better than I do, and have a big stack of reasons this stuff would suck for most of their player base.

But wait...

Where The Hell Am I?

Last section, I promise.

I am extremely not going to weigh in on whether or not Doom games need “Story” or not, or what that even means.

But...

If you are driving a monster truck, it is probably pretty fun to see a big line of cars in front of you, and know that you are about to drive all over those cars, and that at the end is a really big fancy car... and you are going to drive over that too.

The general conceit of Doom 2016, that you are on one end of a Mars base, and you need to get to the other end, and in between is a whole lot of cars demons, is a good one. It has good monster truck-ness.

So far this is something that I’m struggling to extract from Eternal. I’m not really sure who any of these grumpy folks are, or where it is that they are, or why I am going down this corridor (aside from the very Doom-like fact that it is the only corridor around).

The problem for me is decidedly NOT that I don’t understand the slayer’s emotional whatever, or that I haven’t been painstakingly expositioned into the specific hierarchies of the demon universe, or anything that I think would normally be described as a “narrative”. For me, it’s that I don’t get to sort of soak in the anticipation of the loooong line of cars I’m about to crunch.

Does Doom need a story? Idk. Doom might need a lot of about-to-get-crushed cars though.

Finally finally finally, and this is highly subjective, but I think the slayer is just more fun when he’s an X factor or a rogue agent. NPCs recognizing the slayer feels sort of weird to me? The feeling that he is a fly in the ointment I think is stronger and sexier when he’s like... outside the canon, almost. I’m not totally convinced that having him Kratos around is as fun as having a bunch of demons and priests both confused and terrified of what this dude is doing.

OK

I need to get back to family stuff. They let me sit here and type this out, which was very kind of them. Only five tantrums so far. Either way, I’m looking very forward to playing more Doom Eternal...

...just as soon as I finish designing 17 more shirts in ACNH.

Hope everyone’s staying home and staying safe! Rip and tear, friends. Rip and tear <3

[blazehedgehog]

top 10 games of the decade?

This has been going around a lot, and honestly my problem is I don’t keep super close attention to what games came out in what years. So 2009-2019? What came out in that time period that I’ve played? I have no idea.

At best, we could use the new Steam interface to sort by release year, which gives a rough picture of some of my gaming habits, at least as far as the PC is concerned, but it tells me nothing about consoles or portables.

So let’s start narrowing down a list, I guess, of games I played a notable enough amount of time (and maybe even finished) to even consider for a list like this.

I’ll link it, because it’s kind of big.

So… narrowing that down to ten. Hm. I won’t number them, but:

Metal Gear Rising: Revengence (2013) Platinum Games’ finest hour, as far as I’m concerned. It’s typical Metal Gear absurdity cranked to 12. It’s hard to believe Hideo Kojima considered this a canonical piece of the Metal Gear timeline because it’s just so knowingly silly and over the top. It’s also Peak Platinum Games as far as having an intensely good-feeling combat engine goes. Just, all around, an outrageously fun game.

Sonic Generations (2011) For a brief moment, the world agreed: maybe Sonic could be good again? It didn’t last, because of course it didn’t, but even though I personally consider Sonic Unleashed a better game, I can’t rag on Sonic Generations too much, because it’s still a surprisingly well-rounded, enjoyable game, and still the best 3D Sonic game of the last 10 years.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (2017) Any game I put 300 hours in to over the span of a year is probably worth putting on a list like this. Zelda games were getting so stale and Breath of the Wild effortlessly shakes off all the rust and dust and just goes hard on reinventing everything in such a smart, elegant, enjoyable way. Everything works together so well that it almost doesn’t feel fair for how effortless Nintendo makes it look. Like you handed them a rubik’s cube and they casually solved it in record time while everyone else is over in the corner still trying to line up the first two green squares.

Forza Horizon (2012) I like racing games, but I got really tired of racing games that take themselves too seriously. You either had the endlessly repetitive street racers of Need for Speed or the clinical blandness of games like Gran Turismo and Forza. Horizon came along and made me love Forza for finally injecting a bit of fun personality in to this series. By wrapping a shred of real humanity around all of this car culture stuff, it all clicked in to place.

Super Mario 3D Land (2011) Super Mario 3D Land kind of reinvented what a 3D Mario game even was. There was always a sense with Nintendo’s 3D platformers that they were kind of holding back, or at least designed in a certain way to help players stay oriented in 3D. To me, 3D Land, felt like finally ripping the training wheels off and getting back to 2D-style level design… while still being a 3D environment. Maybe my favorite 3D Mario game.

Super Mario Maker (2015) Nintendo finally gave us what we wanted: an official Mario level editor. It’s missing a lot of features you’d really want, but the fact that it exists at all still feels like kind of a miracle. And for as backwards as some things about it feel, enough of it is modern enough that it kind of doesn’t matter. You can make and share Mario levels! With your friends! Officially! That’s amazing!

Doom (2016) Controversial opinion: I think iD Software made more bad games than good. More mediocre games, at the very least. After Doom 2, the only game of theirs I’d say even approaches good was Quake 3 Arena, and even then, I’m not so sure that game was what I was really looking for, then or now. Doom 2016 is not only the comeback story of the century, but it blows the doors off of everything else so well that I didn’t even really care about how bad the game’s ending was. That’s just how good the rest of the game is. Doom 2016 succeeds where Quake failed, where RAGE failed, where Doom 3 failed. It’s “just more Doom,” but in the best ways possible.

The Walking Dead: Season 1 (2012) I have a lot of adventure games I’ve never finished. I finished The Walking Dead Season 1. This is the game that saved Telltale Games. It got me to watch part of the TV series. I felt emotions while playing this game that I don’t think any game has ever made me feel, before or since. I have a distinct memory of seeing these guys get an award at the VGAs, and as they came out on stage, they played the “Alive Inside” theme and just hearing that music again was like a lead weight in my chest. Even now, years and years later, it’s… heavy, hearing it again.

Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009) The first, and possibly only, truly “good” Batman game. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with the sequels to Asylum, but I don’t think any of them reach the same highs, from what I understand. This game put a lot of people, and things, on the map. A good, multi-directional combat system (so good that games are still referred to as having “Arkham combat”). A fully 3D Metroidvania that wasn’t necessarily an actual Metroid game. Reuniting the voice cast of Batman: The Animated Series. It’s not a perfect game, but dang if it isn’t still great.

Mario Kart 8 (2014) I debated on saying this was a tie with Sonic Racing Transformed, but that wouldn’t be fair, I guess. Mario Kart 8 is hands down my favorite Mario Kart, I’d say. It’s absolutely gorgeous, it has tons of tracks, and at least as far as the Wii U version goes, it’s actually balanced and fair in a way you don’t normally expect from a Mario Kart game. While I still love Sonic Racing Transformed greatly, there’s no denying that Mario Kart 8 is far more tight and polished than that game ever will be.

Honorable Mentions

Sonic Mania

Freedom Planet

Super Mario Galaxy 2

Bayonetta 2

Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze

Dishonorable Mentions

Rocket Knight

Turtles in Time: Reshelled

Sonic Lost World

Parappa the Rapper Remastered

Yooka-Laylee

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Joker (Suicide Squad)

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Boy oh boy, talking about the Joker is always fun! Who are we talking about this time? We’ve covered Ledger’s creepy anarchist and Nicholson’s unhinged mobster, so who do we have left? Romero’s madcap clown? Hamill’s multimedia masterpiece performance? Maybe Joaquin Phoenix’s fresh new take on the most iconic villain in comics?

No… sigh… we’re talking about Jared Leto. Might as well get him out of the way. And while this is certainly not a Joker I like dwelling on, I think there is a fair deal to discuss in regards to this incarnation the Joker, in particular why he fails as a take on Batman’s most famous enemy and what could have been done to fix him, because really, it would not have been hard to make this Joker work.

Actor: Jared Leto is not necessarily a bad actor, but he is certainly not the kind of guy you’d expect to play someone like the Joker. Sure, one of his most famous roles is in Fight Club where he gets his face pulverized, so we know he’s good at getting the crap kicked out of him (a requirement for being the archenemy of a superhero who loves to beat up criminals), but that was a minor role. Here he’s taking on the one comic book villain that even people who have never read a comic could probably name, and I just don’t think someone who is better in supporting roles could pull it off.

Not helping his case is his extremely creepy on-set behavior, where he method acted in incredibly disturbing ways to the point he harassed his costars. Even more baffling is that all the weird, edgy stories of his method acting showed he had no understanding of who Joker is as a character; Joker is not some weird, cringey stalker who sends people dead rats, he’s an unhinged madman who would probably bake a dead rat cake and send it to someone’s house with a bomb inside that would explode at their kid’s birthday, raining dead rats everywhere, all because the kid’s dad cut in front of him at the grocery store. 

In all honesty, Leto is probably the biggest problem because of this. It’s the same problem Eisenberg had as Lex Luthor: he doesn’t understand or care about the character he’s playing, and it shows, because it is almost entirely off the rails from what one would expect, and not in a good way.

Motivation/Goals: The Joker in film typically has the goal of causing a ruckus, overturning society in some way, or just being evil in general… but with a fun twist. Joker is always supposed to do stuff because it amuses him. Nicholson’s Joker got this down the best, but even Ledger’s anarchist take on the character got this down extremely well.  Here though, Joker is pretty much a bit player in the story, and his entire purpose in the narrative is showcasing Harley’s origin and then showing him coming to rescue her. That’s about the extent of his being in the film: he exists solely to help Harley break free from captivity, which he fails to do until the very end of the film.

This is disappointing in an extremely obvious way: this is THE JOKER. This is a character who demands to be the center of attention. This is a character who hijacked the plot of every single one of the best Batman video games ever made. This is a villain who just won’t die. This is the archenemy to end all archenemies, and yet here in this film he’s playing second fiddle to a CGI witch. A lot of his scenes were apparently cut, which makes things even worse, because we could have perhaps had a better grasp of who he is. As is, Joker is really nothing but a satellite love interest to Harley.

Personality: What little we see from this Joker is mostly unappealing. He’s creepy, he’s crazy, he’s strange, but a lot of it feels recycled from other Jokers and not a unique spin put on by Leto. However, there is one aspect of the character that is truly great and deserving of praise: this Joker almost certainly genuinely loves Harley Quinn, in his own demented way. Finally, an adaptation brings Joker and Harley’s relationship back from “romanticized domestic abuse” to the Mad Love it excelled at being. The director’s cut actually added in a little bit more to really showcase these two do love each other, as crazy as the two of them get. It’s like the saying goes: She was fearless, and crazier than him. She was his queen, and God help anyone who disrespected his queen.

Final Fate: They make it look like Joker dies in a helicopter crash… but it’s Joker. You can count on one hand the amount of times his death actually sticks in any continuity. He survived and busts Harley out at the end, ending the film on a kind of sweet note, honestly. 

Too bad it’s one that’s doomed to be undermined by later films, as Birds of Prey is almost certainly going to have Harley kicking Mr. J to the curb and Jared Leto is seemingly cut from the DCEU, and even if he wasn’t it’s doubtful he’d ever be able to get out of Joaquin Phoenix’s shadow at this point. I can’t even jokingly say “Press F to pay respects” here, because neither I nor anyone else respects Jared Leto in the slightest anyway. 

Best Scene: I’m a bit fond of the scene where he dives into the chemicals with Harley, if only because it really reinforces that their love, while utterly insane, is genuine in their own twisted way. I honestly really like this take on their relationship.

Best Quote: This entire exchange, because as corny and silly as it all is, again, it reinforces what I think worked with Joker:

The Joker: Question! Would you die for me?

Harley: Yes.

The Joker: That's too easy. Would you... Would you live for me? Hmm?

Harley: Yes.

The Joker: Careful. Do not say this oath thoughtlessly! Desire becomes surrender. Surrender becomes power. You want this?

Harley: I do.

The Joker: Say it. Say it. Say it. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty...

Harley: ...Please?

The Joker: God, you're so... good.

Final Thoughts & Score: Jared Leto’s Joker gets a lot of flak for things such as his design, his mannerisms, the overall performance… and I can’t really argue with much of that. While the base design isn’t terrible, the overdone tattoos, particularly the infamous “Damaged” tattoo, really don’t feel much like the Joker. His mannerisms for the most part just don’t scream Joker either, or at least not a particularly new or interesting take on him. And, overall, the performance in general is weak, lackluster, and inconsequential to the film as a whole. I believe even the director has stated Joker would have made for a better antagonist than the magical Enchantress, and frankly I have to agree, especially since it would have given Leto’s Joker more screentime as well as a more grounded threat for the Squad to face on their first mission. Really, considering most of the characters are just normal people with highly trained skillsets or mild mutations, wouldn’t it make more sense for them to fight off an insane gang leader clown rather than an interdimensional witch demon bringing about the apocalypse?

Combine that with what little is good about him in the actual film – namely, his genuine affection for Harley – and it may have actually made for a good, compelling plotline, with a conflicted Harley forced to choose between an insane relationship she loves and her newfound ragtag group of wacky friends. Not only would it have strengthened Harley and Joker’s roles in the narrative, it would have almost certainly given a better lead in to Birds of Prey. Leto’s Joker could have had more of a chance to exert his charm over Harley and perhaps even be more of an intimidating presence on the screen, maybe even use some classic Joker gags. As I said at the start, this character would have been seriously easy to fix. Just clean up the costume, give some better direction, and let him have a more central role that naturally creates conflict while allowing the Squad to develop closer bonds with each other.

Joker shockingly gets a 2/10. Yeah, I don’t think this is the worst abomination ever put to film, and honestly, even among bad comic book villains he’s nowhere near as bad as someone like Malekith, Weapon XI, or Fant4astic Doom; at the very least, this Joker has some redeeming qualities to him that I can’t ignore. He’s certainly one of the worst adaptations of the characters ever, but still, credit where credit is due, he does some things right. It was all just mishandled, as often things were in regards to the DCEU at the time.

[ajoy3fanfics]

A/N: I’m going to apologize for this upfront. I have NO idea what I was thinking as I wrote this. I just kept thinking about how Hades got a bad rep. He was so much more than the leader of the underworld- a position he did not even ask for. I was considering writing a piece solely on Hades and Persephone, but then of course my Inuyasha brain kicked into gear and here we are. This story is told from Rins (Persephone’s) point of view. It’s a take on her love story, one where she wasn’t kidnapped.

No one asked for an Inuyasha/Greek God mash up, but here it is.

ETA: This has been sitting in my unfinished work  for so long. Lens drawings totally gave me the inspiration to get on this and finish it! I decided to make this a multi-part story :)

Also psted on FF

~.~

Persephone

The legends say that I was kidnapped.

The story tellers still spin the tales of my abduction- if you could call what reallyhappened an abduction- their stories striking fear in the heart of mortals- a warning to all young women. Never set foot outside alone. Keep your wits about you. Be prepared for anything, even the ground swallowing you whole. If you don’t, if you are careless, you might end up like Persephone.

Humans and Gods, mortals and immortals alike pity me, pity the waste of my beauty in such a desolate place. How could someone so full of life be condemned to live below the Earths surface, where not even a ray of light breaks through? Persephone, bringer of spring, goddess of grain, Queen of the underworld. They have given me as many titles as they have names; it still surprises me that Rin, my true name, never stuck. Humans are like that though- they will cut away at bits that displease them, at parts that do not fit their stories. Details become less important than the message they are trying to weave.

If I had heard the stories the poets tell of me, I too would feel sadness for the poor young maiden. Forced to marry her captor, forced to spend the better part of her life hidden away, far from the comfort the living world of friends and family. Doomed to spend eternity locked in an unhappy union with the God of death himself.

Of course, my husband is not the God of death. He does not torture the poor souls that make their way here. No, those are jobs best left to someone else. My dear husband does not have that in him- he finds the details of mortals lives far too tedious. Legends, as they so often do, have gotten him completely wrong. An injustice- one he does not deserve. Had the bards knew him better, they could have never accused him of taking me against my will.

In truth, I met him long before he approached my father, respecting the old ways and asking for my hand. Proper. It’s not a word that people associate with my husband, the king of the underworld. Then again, there are many aspects of him that are simply overlooked.

No, I had not met him in the underworld when the Earth swallowed me whole. Instead, I had met him in an almost unremarkable way. How strange the story spinners got that part right.

I met him while picking flowers.

~.~

It had been a splendid morning; the sun was high in the sky, warming the world and all those in it. There was a gentle breeze that with it carried the fragrance of wildflowers in the distance. It was the sort of day I loved; it made me want to run into the open fields, to feel the freedom I craved and go where the wind would scatter me. A fantasy, only that. My mother would never have allowed me to go off on my own, to act in such an unbecoming way. So, on days like this, I would settle on picking flowers.

I liked to do that- to capture bits of the spring that I could plant in places that nature did not bloom- in my room by the stone windows, in the kitchens as the servants cooked. I wanted to bring the beauty of spring inside where It did not belong.

“May I go out today, mother?” I tried my best to get her approval, doing my best to make my voice not sound desperate. Mother sheltered me, even in the best of times. I was her precious daughter- one that she found beautiful, powerful. Long before it was appropriate men would leer at me and without fail mother took notice. She did her best to keep me safe. And while I understood her reasoning- truly, I was lucky to have such a devoted mother- I also craved the freedom she denied me. I wanted time to be amongst my creations. “Please?” I added in for good measure, putting on my brightest smile.

She did not even so much as consider my request. “No, not today Rin. I have too much work to do to keep you company.” She brought a cup of water to her lips, taking a deep sip.

“You do not need to accompany me!” I quickly said. “I am old enough to go on my own.” My mother rolled her eyes. She did not think 16 was old enough for anything. “I just want to go down to the fields to see the flowers, maybe the river bank. Please?”

“Rin, could you not find-“

I  leaned on the table, trying to plead with her once more. “Mother, its so nice out today! I cannot be kept locked up inside all day! I need fresh air, and- and- fresh flowers! Mother-“

“You do hear the ridiculousness of your request, right?” she said, raising a disapproving brow, “A goddess of spring complaining that she needs to go outin order to see flowers?”

“Please?” I ended my begging by sticking out my lower lip, looking every bit the part of a begging puppy. Mother threw up her hands in the air, utterly defeated.

“Fine!” She sighed, exasperated. “Take the attendants with you.” I expected that, she was always reluctant to let me  go. I gave her a smile as I hugged her from behind.

“I will bring you a beautiful bouquet!” I said, “As thanks!” And with that, I took off before she could change her mind.

Mother was lovely; she was good for mankind, did humans a great deed as the Goddess of wheat. Mother was life itself. But she also had dreams for me, ones which I did not necessarily share. I often thought about how she would like to dictate my life, plan out every minute of it if she had her way. I was constantly torn between playing the part of the good daughter and wanting to rebel.

But when I felt the warm sun on my face, felt the cool breeze on my skin, my mother and her plans were the last thing on my mind. In that moment I was free. Kicking of my sandals I let my bare feet touch the grassy Earth, sprinting ahead, leaving my attendance to trail behind me.

I spent my day like that; basking in the sun, picking flowers and making crowns, frolicking by myself with people just far away enough to remind me that I wasn’t alone, not really. Sure, I had friends. But they were ones that mother approved of, and secretly, I wondered if they were spies for her, telling her little snippets of my feelings and whereabouts. I never felt completely alone, complete autonomous from her. My mother was a lovely woman, and my admiration for her is still strong to this day; but so much control can be stifling, leaving me gasping for freedom. Letting out a sigh, I sank down into the green meadow to relax, flowers beside me as the sun slowly began to lower. The day was winding down and soon mother would want me back in the nest.

That was the first time I saw him. A god on Earth, resting just across the river.

He looked every bit the divinity he was, his back against the dark brown trunk, a sharp contrast to his long silvery hair. Fair skin, so pale it looked porcelain and robes far more elegant than the richest mortal could hope to afford. He was resting, eyes closed, breathing even; I wondered how many people had seen him in this state, and suddenly became uncomfortable with a twinge of guilt, looking in on a private moment. I was struck by his beauty at once, but a handsome God was hardly a rarity. I had heard gossip of Ares and his build, of Hercules and Apollo. I counted Hermes as a personal friend, and he alone was enough to make women swoon. No, it wasn’t his hauntingly good looks that held my attention, but rather the expression on his face; he somehow looked completely at ease, but also supremely pained. It was not a look that showed easily, one had to truly search to find it. But as I stared, longer than anyone would deem polite, I found a deep loneliness, and it troubled me.

I wish I could say I was feeling bold when I made my small jumps on the slippery rocks, making way across the narrow stream, but I was far too intrigued to feel boldness or shame. I was focused on the supernatural entity before me. As I stepped onto the opposite grassy bank, he made no sign of acknowledgement that I was near. He still rested, head reclined at ease. I moved towards him in a crawl, still on my knees from when I raised myself out of the water . For a moment, I was sure that I would get close without him waking. I had no specific plan in mind, only that I needed to be near him; I was drawn and had no idea why.

“Do not come near.” He said, voice steady, eyes still closed. “Not if you value your life.”

The last part took me off guard, making me freeze on all fours, although there hardly seemed to be bite in his bark. Of course I valued my life; I felt ridiculous and ashamed, but unable to move forward or retreat. I was stuck. Biting my bottom lip, I debated what to do.

“S-Sorry.” I stammered, nervousness making my stomach drop. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“If you’re sorry, then leave.” He bit out, finally opening his amber eyes, piercing me in place. I couldn’t have move if Zeus himself commanded me. Never in my life had I seen a being more beautiful. True, I had lead a sheltered existence until this point, but I was sure I could travel the world twice over and still be awed by his magnificence.

In the days since, when my husband and I talked with fondness of our first encounter, we like to bicker over who was more stricken my whom. Was it I, a mere girl laying eyes upon a sleeping sin, or the God of the underworld, captivated by the look of me on all fours, black hair falling over my shoulder, pale pink dress falling off my shoulder? He even jokes that my flower chain of daises was a sign that I would soon be his wife, the spring crown upon my head.

I’ve heard the version where the Earth swallowed me whole, a fine symbolism for his great lust for me, eating the fair maiden alive. I’ve also heard the rather unsavory take of a kidnapping, an act anyone would reject if they knew my husband. Instead, at our first meeting, we stared each other down, a spark between us so strong it could light a fire. We would have stayed like that, spellbound in a trance, if my attendants were not calling for me. Looking over my shoulder I frowned, unhappy that this encounter was soon to be over. I needed to get back, but more than that, I wanted to know this stranger. He raised his finely arched brows, a silent signal that others were coming. I moved closer, a breath away from him. I could practically feel his body tense, as if being in close proximity to another was a foreign thing to him. Reaching up, I removed the flower crown and boldly placed it on his head.

“Cheer up.” I gave him a smile, toothy and genuine. The nymphs called once more and reluctantly, with a heavy sigh, I leaned back and turned to retreat, quickly jumping across the rocks, back towards the sprites that had lost track of me. Looking over my shoulder, I gave him one last long glance, a smile of wanting on my lips, before I cleared the area. My last look was a bewildered God, a chain of daisies around his silver crown.

No, the lord of the underworld did not kidnap as I picked flowers as the stories go. It was the day learned his true name that I found myself in the land of the dead.

[golden-redhead]

I'm curious. Do you have any thoughts on Kaede and Kokichi's ingame relationship? I dunno, maybe it's an odd qurstion but... I think that maybe reading about them from the perspective of a good writer can help me write about them better. Thanks in advance!

So, first of all: sorry that it took me so long, but it’s such a complicated question that I had to take my time to think about it, talk with a friend, re-watch some fragments of the game, including their FTEs and just… think carefully about what I actually think and how to put it in a way that would actually make sense.

Okay, so the first thing that I think should be acknowledged is that both Kokichi and Kaede are very flawed characters and that they actually parallel each other in a very interesting way. And this is something that I mostly focus on in this post because I think this is the key to understanding the kind of relationship they had. Also, this post is awfully long (over 1700 words), so… Yeah, more under the cut. 

The problem with Kaede is that she is very pushy. Kokichi points it out during their little Death Road of Despair experience and he’s not wrong. She likes to have things go her way and most of the time she doesn’t even realize that she’s coming off as forceful and even kind of self-rightous. A lot of her character is just a facade, just like Kokichi’s, but her is probably much less obvious than his (it also applies to Kaito and I would honestly LOVE to discuss the similarities between all three of them one day, because they are fascinating and they are the three people that have the most impact on both the final outcome of the game and our protagonist). I don’t think that Kaede is nearly as optimistic as she pretends to be. I actually believe that a lot of what we see in her audition video is visible in our in-game Kaede, just covered by her positive, always cheerful mask. But the thing is that she doesn’t truly trust in her classmates - despite the fact that she states the opposite - and that’s why she takes things into her own hands. She wants to be perceived as positive and supportive but when you look at her actions during the Death Road of Despair or at how she wants to get the mastermind on her own her true personality really shines through this mask she made. And I think that Kokichi is aware of it, he’s not fooled by her cheerful persona the same way that others are. He’s immune to her motivational speeches (and Kaito’s, but it comes later), but at this point in the story he also seems to recognize that something good can come out of them? And it’s not something that he could do himself so he lets Kaede become their self-proclaimed leader as long as it motivates others to keep fighting. He’s a person who values life above anything else and I think that this is something that you need to keep in mind when analyzing his character because it’s such an important element of his character.

In general, it’s kind of hard to predict what would have happened, because Kaede never got to overcome her flaws and grow as a person, we never see her actually develop. Very early in the game one of her biggest flaws is introduced - and this flaw leads to her doom. I assume that if she lived longer she would get at least a chance to change, to overcome it, but it’s just me guessing and hoping and assuming. And even if she got  a chance the develop it still doesn’t mean that she actually would develop, at least in a positive sense of this word. And the worst thing about the game is that she ends up being treated like a perfect waifu, like she was a victim of this situation, so I’m not sure if they would actually go this way. I’m kind of worried that she would be just Maki 2.0? Because Maki’s flaws are also never fully acknowledged, which is honestly a shame because it would be a chance for her to and also make the game much more self-aware.

Because yeah, in Maki’s case the way she is treated has at least something to do with just catering to the audience, especially the male audience, and in her position as the game’s waifu. But when you think about it - her admitting that what she did was wrong, admitting that she went against her own promise to herself and against what Kaito tried to teach her… wouldn’t strip her of her waifu status, wouldn’t impact players’ perception of her negatively. If anything, it would only serve to make her more relatable. And something similar happens with Kaede, the game kind of admits that what she did was wrong and she actually gets punished for it. But the game also immediately after her death changes its narrative and turns her into this perfect martyr who did nothing wrong, which is just… so painfully contradictory. Looking at it that way I think that both Kaede and Maki got the short end of the stick. Sure, they are both popular and generally loved by the fandom characters, but the game had a chance to go deeper with them and explore them better, but never did, instead simply skimming over the surface. As much as I hate the argument that they both are kind of reduced to being love interests… well, let’s just say that I don’t agree with it 100% but I also see where people who say that are coming from.

The most interesting thing about Kokichi and Kaede is probably how different their brands of leadership are. As I mentioned earlier, Kokichi pretty much lets Kaede do her thing, simply observing what is going to happen. but the moment he notices that her own blind ambition is getting in the way of her good intentions - he calls her out on her bullshit. The main difference between them is that Kaede immediately made her leader status known, whereas Kokichi always works from the shadows, collecting evidence on his own, trying to find out who the mastermind is.

Honestly, the most interesting thing that would come out of Kaede living longer in relation to her relationship with Kokichi is probably the way they would challenge each other, the same way we see it happen at the beginning with the Death Road of Despair thing. Shuichi can be seen as very passive compared to her and it’s honestly both a good and a bad thing, depending how you look at it or who you ask. It’s good, because it lets the player just observe things, observe how those characters react and behave on their own, without your protagonist’s interruption. But at the same time you as a player end up being an observer rather than someone who has actual impact on the story, unless maybe during the trials when it’s your job to solve the case. On the other hand, while Shuichi is rather passive, Kaede is his total opposite. She lacks his patience and she can be actually very… um, unpleasant? Just look at her FTEs with some of the others or her first interaction with Tsumugi (well, to be fair, Tsumugi was kind of rude herself, but still). She quickly gets physical with others and not necessarily in a good way. As much as I would like to believe that she would be more willing to understand Kokichi, I also think that she might be too pushy to actually get to him? Kaede forces her way through things, while Kokichi surrounds himself with lies and hints, I’m not sure if Kaede actually has the patience to deal with this kind of thing, she is very clearly tired of his antics during their FTEs. I like to think that she wouldn’t be as antagonistic towards him as others are and that she would defend him when Maki abuses him, but considering how narrative is very clearly against Kokichi, to the point that at times many characters come off as out of character… I’m honestly not so sure if that would be the case? But then again, she’s much more firm with him than any other character and it’s something that should be acknowledged. Kirumi is kiiiind of similar? But because of her devotion to her talent Kirumi also lacks Kaede’s individuality and doesn’t stand her ground the same way Kaede does.

Another thing that I would like to point out is that Kokichi changes a lot later in the game. He gets much more serious and more desperate as more people die. In Kaede’s first FTEs with him Kaede thinks that he acts like a kid who wants attention and… she’s not wrong? He really does act that way, especially at the beginning. He’s testing her limits, messing around and in general acting like a brat. Buuuut at the same time during their second FTE he warns her about what might happen if she continues to act the way she does and it’s actually very insightful? And, well, turns out to be true. It’s also kind of ironic considering that ultimately he also couldn’t catch the mastermind and had to sacrifice his own values in the process.

I think that Kokichi also has a lot of respect towards Kaede, which is seen in how he says goodbye to her and states that she wasn’t boring. I think a lot of this respect comes from the fact that in contrast to other students she actually tried to do something to stop the killing game. She went about it the wrong way but considering how extreme the situation they were in was… it makes a lot of sense and I think Kokichi understands that. He’s later shown to be very frustrated with the passiveness of others and how they kind of just accept the situation and hope that the power of friendship will solve everything. Both he and Kaede refuse to just stand and watch as people die and even though they both ultimately fail, they are also the ones who actually do something and pay the highest price for it. Same can be said about Amami, which is why chapter one is so tragic.

Anyways, that’s just my own personal interpretation, you don’t have to agree with it! Also, I hope that this word vomit makes sense, I tend to jump from one topic to another.

In conclusion, I think their in-game relationship is super interesting and I would honestly love to see more of it. And it gets even better if you add Kaito to the mix because all three of them are one of the most important characters in the entire game and the impact they all had on the story is very interesting. Not to mention that they shape Shuichi into the person he is at the end of the game and it’s fascinating to watch as he evolves throughout the game.  

[kierongillen]

Writer Notes: The Wicked + the Divine 39

Spoilers, obv.

And we collapse forward on the keyboard and twitch a while. This has been nightmarishly hard. I suspect the last arc will be hard (as nothing in WicDiv is easy) but the things we were juggling here were something else.

Before we dive in, some top-level thinking. The advantage of the way WicDiv is constructed is that we know what we're doing. A friend was just rereading the first arc, and noted how certain elements and approaches simply changed as the tone of the book solidified – while also noting that every direction we did take was there from the off. We knew the What We Were Doing but not always the specific How.

(Not least, as I was a hot mess in 2014. I'm amazed the WicDiv scripts weren't just bahsjasjfaglagsfk.)

But the problem with knowing the direction of the book is you're tied to ideas you may wish you hadn't put in play. Because a five year book is enough time to change significantly in what you consider a good idea or not – and even if you still think it's a good idea in the abstract, it doesn't mean it's an idea you would necessarily want to do any more.

At this point, there's various things flying around. Firstly, Laura has rejected her godhood. That's great. That's clearly the arc of the book. Secondly, Ananke is running her own eternal scheme with its eternal rules. I don't think it's a spoiler to say that Ananke (and I'm using “Ananke” for “Ananke and Minerva” here) is significantly deceiving people on some key matters, and using the holes in their knowledge to her advantage. At this point in the story the same thing happens to her. We see that her own perception is also incomplete.

So – what's the thing she's missing?

I fell upon Maiden/Mother/Crone as a structure to create a relationship between Ananke/Persephone/Minerva. What action would Ananke buy?

It has to be archetypal and mythic. Cheaty postmodernism doesn't work. Myth is brutal and basic and ugly and wrong.

So – if the Mother archetype has a child, Ananke's doomed forever. It breaks the little eternal circle and Ananke thinks herself trapped in that sensory void forever.

There's nothing in the above specifically and individually which worries me too much. It's how they intersect with the rest of the plot, and how we can chart a line between them all without saying anything we don't want to say, or without causing undue emotional distress in a way we're uncomfortable with.

We end up with our solution, which is merely our best solution, which means it's far from perfect. We do as much as we can, and try and touch on stuff as gently as we can to avoid any fair misreading of the story. Even so, there's resonances in there I dislike.

There's a sentence that is said all the time in writing room situations: “This is the bad version.” It's said when people are brainstorming, and asking the audience to know this isn't good, but they are good enough writers to make it better – it's just a structure of the sort of things that the narrative could delineate.

It's easy to imagine The Bad Version of this plot. Laura finding out she has to have a kid to save the world! Baal and Baphomet fighting over who's the father! An issue cliffhanger where you think Laura's own choice has doomed the world! I shudder. Like, someone with a different aesthetic to me would have done all of the above.

Instead, what we try to do is what we have to do to make the story work, and do it in the safest way possible. It's the guiding aesthetic of most of this issue, in terms of separating the two key threads – namely not confusing Laura's choice to have an abortion and Laura's choice to reject godhood.

But still – I spent four years trying to think of something that Ananke would buy, based on our implicit story, which wasn't this, and failed. I'd rather not have gone this way. I'm happy with the issue, but it was a heartbreaking amount of work as I take all of this intensely seriously.

So, to return to the opening, the problem with being as structured as WicDiv is means that you are tied to decisions you made years ago, without which the story simply breaks.

DIE (aka Project Spangly New Thing) rejects this kind of plotting. It's just as messy emotionally as WicDiv (hell, even more so) but leaves the characters a lot more narrative freedom. I'd have done it anyway (because I hate to repeat myself) but the experience on arcs like this certainly feeds into it.

Anyway – I'll be talking some specifics in this as we go through, as I suspect it may be useful for people thinking about the impact of choices.

Jamie's Cover: Ananke in her cavewoman chic. That means 2 “persephone”, 2 “minerva” and 2 “Ananke” covers for this arc. The symmetry seems fun.

Phil Jimenez's Cover: I first saw Phil's work in his pop-thrill issues of The Invisibles, an obviously influential work on yours truly. We worked together on Angela: Asgard's Assassin together, which was a thrill, and this glam-metal take on her. He's also very lovely. As such, Minerva in full-on catwalk mode is a great take. I love these kind of maximalist high-thrill ones. And LIZ's ‘When I rule the world’ has just come on my WicDiv shuffle at this point, which seems appropriate for Minerva stomping down a lightning-catwalk. Also, Dee Cunniffe (who has flatted nearly all of WicDiv) provides colours. Nice work, Dee.

Page 1-2

Black spaces. Like the opening of the arc – C's idea, I believe. Also, ensuring we get our page turns right. We dropped the recap for once. Normally we'd drop it in the mid-point of the issue instead of the first interstitial, but it would have broken the space.

Obviously mirroring the start of this arc.

The first obvious bit of delineation: this is ten days after the end of last issue. Laura stopped being Persephone 10 days ago. As such, anything that happens now is not connected to that.

The biggest reading we wanted to avoid: “Laura's abortion is the ritual by which she rejects and escapes the Persephone-Mother archetype”. Especially if people, either pro or anti choice, could make an argument we're saying we're saying the act is human sacrifice – a reading which seems especially possible in a story that already has human sacrifice in it.

Page 3-4-5-6

Reestablishing what folks have been up to in the gap – in short, bits and pieces, bits of information the characters should exchange, etc.

The Cass/Woden dialogue is stuff I'd have liked to get into issue 33, but was cut due to space and focus. It was Mimir's scene, and as he's been silent for the whole book, he gets to speak. The “He stole my life/I stole his” was all that was required. This is detail. Interesting detail, but detail. And, yes, loaded.

There's a lot of “starting other stuff” in this sequence – clearly the “ritual” is going to be important next arc.

I love what Jamie is doing quietly with Mimir and the boxes at the back of the room on page 4. Like, I wonder what's in each of those boxes, right? There's some horrible pure objectification here. Like, Pokémon. Got to catch them all.

You can tell that Woden is more chill with Minerva, right?

It was originally written with Minerva noting that mind-controlled-sex-is-rape at the end of page 4. That felt frankly aggressive, as if we were using it as a punchline. Instead, we soften it, and move it mid-panel, which changes the feeling around it, hopefully.

On page 6, I really like the “Hmm. You're learning.” It still makes me laugh.

Making the gun's controls REALLY VISUALLY OBVIOUS is not exactly subtle, but 100% needed to make sure the scene make sense.

Page 7-8-9

With a month gap between issues, it's possible that the reader may not have noticed that we've changed the issue structure from the rest of this arc. It's not “past stuff then present stuff” like the others. It's at least one reason why we didn't give a preview – that and that the first pages of the issue are entirely non-characteristic in terms of where the issue goes.

Anyway – first page is a pure repeat from issue 34, so a free page. This issue is a little longer than normal, due to normal cheats. It's actually 20 new pages long... plus one new panel.

Page 8 is very peak Jamie, plus Matt, for a certain mode. I never get bored of seeing what they do with blood together. Ananke's expression in panel 4 is just particularly well chosen. This isn't how Minerva feels last issue – that's after thousands of years of dwelling on it. This is first exposure. You don't go straight to AGRGRHRHRHRHH.

And back to the still angle on the third panel. Like, the static nature of these seems important in terms of mood.

I really hope Ananke isn't licking that knife.

Page 10

I spent the best part of a day trying to work out what to name this interstitial, after naming it a few things previously. That we end up with a very limited Bowie nod says everything. Anything else seemed to create resonances we were trying to avoid. Once more, the aim is to separate the two decisions from Laura as much as possible.

Page 11

I know drawing London kills Jamie, but I'll miss seeing stuff like this monthly when it's gone.

We don't know Laura's walked out of a clinic for a few pages, but it was important to just give her space here.

Researching locations in London, in terms of placing the events, the timing, what would be available, and Laura's condition after an abortion and trying to find a way to be sensitive to all of that as a writer. Ideally, I was looking for an option around Highbury & Islington, as I always prefer to reuse settings. In practise, this was best.

Page 12

I basically described Beth's crew as Valkyrie-plusses. As in, the mini-bosses in a videogame. Elite models for a basic troop type.

Toni pushes to the front, as he's always been the most talkative of the Other Two. Writing this I realised who he is here – he's basically “Imagine Marvel Boy, if Marvel Boy was a total idiotic dipshit.”

(Instead of the “mostly idiotic dipshit” he was in YA. Love you, Noh-Varr! KISSY FACE.)

I believe Jamie laughed at this a fair bit.

Page 13-14

I considered various captions for Laura here, but no matter what they did, they blurred the line between her abortion and her abandoned godhood. As such, the relative silence was considered more effective.

13-14-15-16

A lot is packed into this space. In an ideal world, I'd like another page for it, to extend Beth's choice to shoot or not, but it's all there.

Key delineations here: obvious restatement of the 10 days since she's been a god, to ensure it's clear. “Panel 3”; Beth never knowing (nor caring) where Laura has just been; Robin actually being human; Laura's privacy being respected; the “I've got more imminent problems” to separate her being shot from this; most importantly, Laura never knowing that this decision was important to Minerva, and never letting Minerva's mistaken beliefs impact her decision. Laura' abortion is her choice and doesn't need a bunch of mythic stuff attached to it for her.

The “shame” line resonates with another, more optimistic, line on the first page of Young Avengers. This speaks to the books, and the choices and the attached psychology.

Page 17

Oddly, the “no cameras in the bathroom” information we've set up allows this scene. Minerva isn't someone who would vocalise much if someone could have hear. You can imagine her looking in each booth to see if someone's around. I did consider moving to captions for a page, but Minerva getting captions for this one event seemed aesthetically off.

Page 18

Self-evident interstitial, and so long a bit of text I can hear designers wincing.

Page 19-20

Earliest scene so far in WicDiv. I did consider having it set after the murder, with the grandson coming back to hear her last words, but the “alive-dead-alive-dead-alive-dead” was getting a bit silly. A quietly magical breakfast conversation seemed the way to go.

I think the bleakest and darkly funniest thing in the issue is the “Eventually, we'll learn. It may take a thousand years, but someone will figure it out.” Oh, you total optimist, you.

I do like the mood of the colouring for this.

Okay – the key structural bit for safety-proofing this plot? The absolute minimisation of the gap between discovering the fourth rule, discovering Laura has had an abortion and then discovering that the fourth rule is just a lie. The longer it hangs, the more it is letting people live with an idea we find reprehensible. The thing I knew when starting this arc is all of this had to happen inside the same issue – the problem there being, that it also had to be foreshadowed enough to not come out of nowhere. And if you foreshadow too heavily, it's as same as saying “this is where it's going”.

Anyway – that wrapped up, we move towards the end...

Page 21-22-23-24-25

The continuation of last issue's end. Laura and her captions.

Some perfect McKelvie expressions, and some key beats. Like, this also adds shade to last issue – I forget if I mentioned that one of the key beats of the series (Laura rejecting her godhood) being dramatised by her swapping a SIM card seems absolutely key to where we are.

Two key expressions – the glance to camera with “I'm not a god” and “So what? So do you.” I could marry Jamie for these.

Matt working the blacks and the ochres here is fascinating.

Thought experiment: originally the layout on page 21 had two captions in panel 3 and two in panel 4. I moved the first from panel 4 to panel 3. Why? A single caption always has more weight in a given space. Having two in each was effectively giving no extra weight to any individual caption. Instead, three in one makes that the conversational beat and the one over the spiral-staircase means the latter just hangs there.

(In short: less dialogue/caption in any space makes the line more important. SPACE=MEANING is what I've been saying all along, usually with panel size. As in, “bigger panels read as more important.” But the same sort of thinking applies to lettering in terms of the space it is allowed to “control.”)

End of page 21 – a final restating of the two events being separate. Laura choosing to have an abortion is something she decided when starting to put her life back together. It's not a cause of her stopping being a god – if anything, it's something that's resulted from her new state of mind.

Lots in terms of mode in 22, but I love how Jamie has handled the nudity in the second panel. As in, she's a girl changing for bed, but she's never presented as something to be objectified, to looked at. Laura is always someone we're meant to be. We are meant to inhabit her, and her us.

The panel at the start of 23 is the extra panel we squeezed in. One panel for this amount of extra material, leading to the better reveal seemed a good choice.

Did I mention I lost a line I really liked last issue? The “At long last, I know what I'm not” was originally “I know what I am/and I know what I'm not.” Which is pretty and elegant, but also confusing with this ending – the “what I am” is “not a god” and what I'm not” is “a god”. Prettiness only goes so far, especially as it's not as if Laura's going to stop and explain that.

Lots of key bits of dialogue in these pages, obviously. “I distrust anyone who tells me who I am. Especially if I agree” and all that.

Obviously in storytelling choices, this is reprising, in an inverted way, the end of The Faust Act. Instead of a flash of light, fading into darkness, darkness emerging from light. Also, really strong choice of expression in that final panel.

26

Referencing ‘Dancing In the Dark’. Springsteen's is obviously great, but I'm thinking of the Downtown Boys' cover which is much closer to where WicDiv is coming from.

I choke up at all this scene. Been a long way to get here, Laura. Onwards.

The trade collection for Mothering Invention is out in October. We have two Specials before next arc, WicDiv: 1373 (out at the end of September) and WicDiv: The Funnies (out in November.)

We're then back in December, where we begin our final arc.

It's called – “Okay”. Including the quotation marks. Yes, we're going out on another Bowie reference.

Thanks for reading.

[myfriendpokey]

50 Short Years!

This January makes a full 5 years since releasing 50 Short Games!

I admit, it is weird to think about.

In general I don’t have very strong feelings about anything I’ve worked on, since anything like that has usually burnt itself out somewhere in the process of making the thing.

But it feels a little startling that this particular game came out 5 years ago, because in many ways I feel like I’m still working somewhere in it’s orbit – it still feels “close” to me in terms of, I guess, setting up the way I’ve been thinking about and working on these things ever since then. I still feel like I’m working out some of the stuff that came up in its production.. compare to older games which can feel like they were made by different, mercifully forgotten, people.

The game is temporarily discounted on itch down to just $1, until valentine’s day - good for friends, good for lovers.

When this first came out, I included a big note file of the processes and ideas and etc that went into it. I have posted that to my website for free to mark this little anniversary. But since a decent bit of time has passed since those impressions, and since I don’t feel like refreshing them, I thought it might be interesting to try writing up a sort of “afterlife” of this game, specifically the ways it sort of covertly turned out to influence what I did for the 5 years after it, as well.

Here are my notes seperated by theme.

- colour - mice - pacing - work / life - gameplay - theme - writing - distribution

- COLOUR: this is a strange one. 50SG felt like the first time I was really aware of / interested in trying to add “colour” as an element I could play with within my games, trying to add it to the lego set along with “rocks” and “little guys”. More colours, interesting colours, colour combinations, games which would be colourful as images. Because I’ve never actually been a very visual person (surprise surprise ha ha ha) and even when I draw, or sculpt, I tend to focus on lines and omit colour as much as possible... When I was a kid I disliked any kind of colouring or painting, as opposed to scribbling, but just before 50SG I’d been working on an uncompleted game with painted textures, and enjoyed it enough to want to explore the effects more.

The reason I call this a strange one is that, mostly - - I failed!!! I feel very aware now of how much of this game is just scratchy line drawings, how little colours are actually used once I'd worked out which ones I preferred working with from the set. I did try to change things up over the course of the series and some games (specifically the Mogey ones) tried to use flat colour or colour patterns more. But when I think about the game now the memories I mostly have are of essentially monochrome or mostly-monochrome drawings.

In fairness, some of this was technical too - I never had any kind of consistent way to light my pictures for when I was photographing them, and a lot of the time the bright markers came out muddy, which sort of discouraged me from trying to do anything specifically with colour effects. Strong lines are also a lot easier to chop up into discrete little game-shapes.

But I think this sense of missed opportunity - having this big bag of markers in all colours, all translucent lines, and not really using them - was specifically what made me spend the next few years trying to work with colour even more. Hence stuff like Mouse Corp, and certain entries in the Hardpack 11-in-1, and Magic Wand. I think I moved more towards pixel art again because it gave me a very quick way to play with colours, and swap them in and out, without having to worry about correctly photographing them first. And in fact my current game came about directly from trying to play more with ideas of translucent outline sprites on top of flat fields of colour – trying to combine colour with line in a looser way than just colouring stuff in.

I'd like to go back to playing with markers some time.

- MICE: I think this was the first time I used mice in my games. Previously the emblematic animal was the Dog – Murder Dog, Goblet Grotto dog... The dog is a "LAWFUL" animal, one which can be aimlessly malevolent on behalf of some higher system or master. The dog stands in for the implicit malignity of the game system as a whole. 

Meanwhile, mouse is the "UNLAWFUL" animal - they live in spaces they do not construct, and scavenge from what they find within, they are constrained by those spaces but also have something of an independent life within them. By this time, I had been working on a lot of games where the gameworld itself was sort of an ominous presence - Crime Zone, Goblet Grotto, Drill Killer etc - and I think the move from "dog" to "mouse" came about as a way to think about these spaces as just kind of indeterminate and abandoned instead of actively malign. Places which don't really notice your being there, which were constructed and then left for some unknowable purpose. I cannot say if this shift in thinking is good or bad.

- PACING: I forget whether I mention it in the notes - but the prototype for all the marker games was an earlier one-off called "Gold's Enigma", done with crayons and in Klik N Play. And that game felt like sort of a revelation because it was so quick to just add new areas to it, or copy and paste elements around, or switch from one game control system or mode of representation to another.  So you could have an extremely short, quick game that still contained enough of a shift to make you feel like you’d gone somewhere or like the view from one side of the game was different to the view from the other. I don’t know how consistently or successfully this was ever really done (the end of Happy Bird is my personal favourite version) but it did stick in my head, as an ideal to work towards. And I think something like the more longform Magic Wand was still sort of driven by a desire to try a “fuller” take on this same idea.

- WORK / LIFE: I don't remember exactly but I think this was my first time successfully trying to start a new, slightly longform project while also having a day job. With other games either they were short enough for me to just blow through in a concentrated rush or else enough pieces had already been laid down (eg  Goblet Grotto) that I could just brainlessly slam together any remaining levels in the  mornings before I went to work. Making games as a hobby isn't necessarily hard but figuring out how to do it consistently over long periods took me a long adjustment period. For the short games I ended up doodling ideas at lunch, coming home, eating dinner, and then around 7 or 8 I'd start chopping up my image sheets and putting them into the game. And hope to finish by 11 so I wouldn't be too wiped the next day. These days it's more like 8-10pm. Working in the early mornings can be good if you're very determinedly getting through some pre-assigned tasks but can be harder and more frustrating if you're trying to be more exploratory about things. I guess to the extent I’d draw any lesson from this it’d be, set aside a very specific time period for working on stuff but also try to have a process where “working on stuff” can involve a certain level of constructive busywork just so you don’t come home and have to immediately face a blank page? “Placing stuff around on a screen” is ultimately what absorbs me so working in a way that let me do that as quickly and aimlessly as possible helped a lot. Well, that’s my opinion.

- GAMEPLAY: I used the default 8-directional walk system in MMF2, and the default screen-follows-the-player function, so many times in the course of these games that I just burnt myself out on them entirely. They’re fine, but using them so many times over a brief period made me more and more conscious of them to the point where it could feel like I was just filling in the same template each time... I think part of why I shifted to Unity, even though it’s more of a hassle, is just to be able to escape that sense of a singular unchangeable “point of view”  and make things where moving or looking around would feel a bit looser and less set in stone. I hope this helps explain my gradual, doomed love affair with extremely idiosyncratic camera systems.

- THEME: Did any themes carry over to any of my post-50SG games? Maybe some but to me it’s less noticeable than seeing what was stripped out. Having a deadline and a very fixed scope did sort of push me more towards including “real world content” in whatever strange way – dreams, specific moments of the early morning or the night, events like work nights out, locations I knew... Compare that to the longer games I’ve done which all kind of take place in these dreamy, private fantasy dimensions. I enjoy that too, and it’s easier to do that when you’re making a game that’s just sort of endlessly adding to itself over time.. It’d be good to get back to working in a way which encouraged that material connection.

- WRITING: I think the notes file that came with 50SG was the first time I did any real writing about the process of making these things, or ideas and notes, etc. And now I can’t shut up!! Well, I did a similar writeup document for Magic Wand, and hope to do so with my current game eventually as well. I think writing that, and having people be encouraging about it, did help me become more interested in looking at and recording the state of my brain as it’s slowly rotted into goop from exposure to these terrible machines. Which is in itself not a bad reason to keep doing it. 

- DISTRIBUTION: This was my first commercial game and probably the biggest impact of that was in getting me to move away from PC-only tools. I'd planned a mac version of this game at some point, or specifically to do HTML versions and then use a workaround I'd read about to convert HTML files to Mac and Linux apps... but the HTML conversion sometimes led to strange bugs, and I never had a testing computer to see whether the actual ports would work, and the multiple layers of things that could go wrong (making a html export, to be put into a mac or linux wrapper, to be loaded from a Unity scene...) eventually made me slowly give up on this. I think of getting back to it but to be honest I have such limited energy and for the five months a year I don't just want to hibernate I'd rather keep working on new projects.... I am sorry.... Well, this was a big impetus to try moving to pure Unity and HTML which had more multiplatform support from the get-go. I don't know if I took any other commercial lessons from it! It sold around 500 copies, and talking to other people making weird scrappy narrative type games it sounded like they mostly also sold 500 copies, maybe to the same people or maybe just to each other. At this level of economic activity you can just do what you like.

So in conclusion 50 Short Games is a land of contrasts. It feels distant to me, I don't have any strong feelings about it anymore, but I also feel sort of like I'm still moving around in the terrain this game originally sketched out for me, and still kind of responding to it in either positive or negative forms. Thank you to anyone who bought it. I just put it on sale again to mark the five year anniversary, you can find it on itch.io, gamejolt or kartridge. Please buy several hundred copies and salt them around through hidden disc drives buried in a desert somewhere so that some day they can inspire some form of apocalypse cult.

In the year 2525 if man is still alive if woman, still survives they will find.....

- stephen 2019

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: A Streak of Luck (5/?)

Summary: Lady Belle of the Marchlands sets out to break the curse that has doomed all the women of her family line for centuries, seeking out the legendary sorcerer Rumpelstiltskin to aid her in her quest. Even if she finds him, will he be able to help her break her curse?

Rated: T

[One] [Two] [Three] [Four] [AO3]

====

A Streak of Luck

Five

The Dark Castle was just as impressive on the inside as it was on the outside, if not more so. Whilst the outer façade was dark and imposing, the old stone walls giving the impression of a building that had been there since before time itself had begun, the rooms inside spoke more of that rich history, filled to the brim with keepsakes from all over the world – and possibly some from different worlds entirely.

Belle could quite happily have spent months looking at all of the things that Rumpelstiltskin had on display in the castle and learning about the origin of each and every one of them, but she knew that this was not the reason that she was here. She was here so that he could tell her if her curse could be broken, and if it could not, then she would be sent home to the Marchlands in short order.

Perhaps she could persuade him to let her stay on a little longer so that he could give her a tour of the vast place and let her into some of the secrets of the mementos that he held. There was a reverence in the way that all of them were displayed and she knew that they must hold some kind of meaning for him. This wasn’t a collection that was intended to impress visitors, because by his own admission he tried to put them off as much as possible. Indeed, in most of the stories that Belle had read concerning Rumpelstiltskin and the deals that he made, he usually went to the desperate rather than them venturing into his castle. Only a rare few actually got to see that sight, and she was one of them.

They had left the horses in the stables around the back of the castle, brushed down and resting with plenty of water and oats to keep them going until they were needed again. Rumpelstiltskin had assured her that the castle would ensure that they were taken care of no matter what he and Belle might get distracted with once his diagnosis of her curse had begun.

Truth be told, Belle had been putting off that moment, because it brought with it such finality. She wanted her curse broken, of course she did, but the fact that she was now so close to being told whether or not it was possible made her want to delay. What if he told her that the curse was unbreakable? What would she do then? She had pinned all her hopes on him, and she would have nothing left to do but go home and try to make the most of what remained of her days. It was going to be a momentous revelation, and not one that she was entirely ready for.

Still, she knew that she couldn’t put it off for much longer. Rumpelstiltskin had brought her here with the express purpose of identifying the curse and nothing more. He had shown her to a comfortable guest room where she could freshen up and spend the night, since darkness had fallen by the time they had arrived at the castle and tended to the horses, but it was clear that he wasn’t anticipating hosting her for long. Only as long as it took to diagnose her curse; then another deal would have to be struck.

She’d spent a comfortable night, far more comfortable than she had thought she would in the unfamiliar surroundings. After all, she was a young woman in a strange place in the middle of nowhere whose current sole company was a man made almost entirely of legends, most of which weren’t exactly complimentary. Breakfast had been waiting for her on a tray by the window when she had woken up, but she had been too nervous about what the day would bring to really partake of anything.

Belle sat down on the edge of the guest bed. What if the price to break her curse wasn’t something that she was prepared to give? They’d already talked about first-born children and the complications that brought since she’d likely die in childbirth if her curse was still in play. What if the price was something that she didn’t have and couldn’t give? She had spent so much time trying to psych herself up for the disappointment of hearing that her curse couldn’t be broken that she hadn’t given any thought to the alternative and what would happen next.

There was a sharp tap on the door.

“Are you ready, dearie?” Rumpelstiltskin’s high, twittering voice asked. Belle raised an eyebrow. Over the course of their day’s travel together, she had noticed that his voice tended to change depending on the subject matter. Whenever they turned to a topic that Belle realised was cutting close to home for whatever reason, the high and fluting tones would return, forcing them onto a different subject, trying to alleviate the mood and pretend that whatever it was that they were talking about wasn’t anywhere near as important to him as it actually was.

She got up and opened the door, giving him a little curtsey.

“My curse and I are at your service, Bill.”

He sighed and shook his head before spinning on his heel and stalking away, motioning for Belle to follow him. As he walked, she distinctly heard him mutter: “I should have picked a better name.”

They were moving at a fair pace through the castle, into the west wing that he had not shown her in the brief orienteering session she’d had when they had first arrived. Since she wasn’t going to be staying for very long, there wasn’t any point in her seeing the entirety of the castle within the first five minutes of her arrival here.

It looked like they were heading up towards the tall tower that she had seen from the outside of the castle. The higher they climbed, the more it felt like they were ascending into Rumpelstiltskin’s personal domain. The magic in the air was almost palpable, and she could definitely smell the faint burning of potions, the scent only getting stronger as they reached the top of the tower and Rumpelstiltskin opened the door.

His laboratory – it could really not be called anything else – was an impressive and foreboding place, reflecting the exterior of the castle much more than any of the rest of the interior did, well, from what she had seen of it. The workbench in the centre was covered in potion-making equipment and scraps of parchment, and the walls were stacked with shelves of various different colour vials, all meticulously labelled, even if the labels on the shelf nearest to her made no sense at all.

Rumpelstiltskin grabbed a small stool from underneath the work bench and scooted it across the floor until it stood alone in the middle of the room.

“Please sit.”

Belle obeyed, and for a long time, Rumpelstiltskin just walked around and around her, looking at her from every angle as if he was considering her for a prize. The tingling feeling on her scalp at the base of her white streak was back, and it was even more intense than it had been on the previous occasions that she had felt it.

Finally, Rumpelstiltskin stopped in front of her, his brow furrowed in thought as he rubbed his chin.

“I think I might have it,” he said eventually. “May I?”

He reached out towards the white streak. Belle had not braided her hair this morning and it was hanging loose beside her face.

“Be my guest.”

The moment he touched the streak, she felt it, like an electric shock shooting from his hand up her hair to her scalp, and she jerked away from him. He jumped back as well.

“Did you feel that too?” she asked. He nodded.

“It’s as I suspected,” he replied, although she didn’t know if he was talking to her or talking to himself. He gazed down at his hand where he had held her hair for a long time, then finally looked up at her.

“Whilst the nature of your curse still eludes me, I do believe that I know who created it,” he said.

“Who?”

“I have not always been the Dark One,” Rumpelstiltskin said cryptically. Belle was about to ask him what that had to do with her curse when he spoke again. “It’s a mantle that I have worn for a very long time, but I was not the first one to wear it. The Dark One is a title passed along from person to person, just as your curse passes through the generations.”

“You inherited it?” Belle asked.

“Not exactly. I took it on willingly, which is where the similarities between our two situations end. No, I was not always the Dark One, but I can recognise a curse that a Dark One created, and a curse will always recognise the magic that created it.”

“So… You cursed me? Well not you, but your predecessor?”

Rumpelstiltskin shook his head. “No, the Dark One did not curse you. The Dark One created the curse. There’s a difference.”

“I don’t follow.”

“The Dark One created the curse. It did not cast it. Your streak is the physical manifestation of your curse and it reacted to the magic that created it. I think that the reaction would have been even stronger had that same magician cast that curse.”

“If that’s so, then who did cast it? And if your magic created it, can your magic reverse it?”

“Not so fast, dearie, one question at a time. I can’t work miracles without a little time in which to do so, you know.”

Belle gave a sigh of frustration. She was so close to her answer, and now that they’d had this breakthrough of learning where the curse had come from in the first place, she was hopeful that there could be another breakthrough very soon.  

“To answer both of your questions in one concise phrase, I don’t know.”

Belle looked up at him sharply. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I mean that I do not know. I am unaware. I do not have an answer. I can go on creating more synonyms if you like but I think you get the picture. Just because a previous Dark One created the curse, it doesn’t mean that I can necessarily reverse it. That would depend on the caster and their intentions when they used the curse. Certainly, we can build fail-safes into our magic but that doesn’t help when I don’t know who created it in the first place or what the exact nature is, nor who actually cast the finished product. The only thing that I know for certain is that this curse was created by a previous Dark One, and that it is not a magic that I have ever encountered in my admittedly very long life before.” He paused for breath after this long speech, during which he had been pacing up and down the room, talking to himself more than her. Finally, he turned to look at her properly again.

“May I?”

He indicated her streak and Belle nodded, gripping the stool tightly with both hands in anticipation of the shock of magic that had gone through her the last time that he had touched it. It nearly bowled her over again, but this time she was prepared for it, and the sensation quickly lessened to just the pleasant hum that it had always been in Rumpelstiltskin’s presence.

He closed his eyes, brow furrowed as he diagnosed the magic, and Belle had to wonder what would come next. She had been expecting a straight yes or no to the question of whether Rumpelstiltskin could break her curse and she had been mentally preparing for both of those scenarios. She hadn’t thought about the possibility of him not knowing at all whether or not the curse could be broken. Where did that leave their agreement now?

“It’s an extremely complex curse,” he said, letting go of her hair and pulling out another stool from the work. “Whoever cast it wanted to make sure that it could only be broken in very specific circumstances. Do you know of anyone in the past with a particular grudge against your family?”

Belle shook her head. “None that I know of. But at the same time, like I said before, a lot of that seems to have been lost to history. Maybe if we had kept more records, we would have been able to break the curse sooner. Perhaps it all came about as part of a disagreement that the people at the time wanted to keep swept under the rug, so they never shared the details with the future generations. Rather unhelpful, if you ask me.”

“And me,” Rumpelstiltskin muttered. “Still, never mind, we must just do what we can.”

He remained lost in thought for a long time, and Belle was beginning to think that he had forgotten that she was there.

“So, can you break it?” she asked tentatively.

Rumpelstiltskin shook his head. “I don’t know. It requires further diagnosis and research. I’ll have to consult all the records that my predecessors kept, and like your own, they’re not always the most complete or concise. How long has the curse been in effect?”

“At least five centuries.”

“Well, that helps to narrow it down.”

He fell into silence again, and Belle prodded him again.

“What does this mean for our deal?” she asked. “You said that if you couldn’t break my curse you would send me home unscathed and if you could then we would deal again. But you don’t know.”

“I need more time,” Rumpelstiltskin said. “I have a proposition for you. I will work to find out the true nature of your curse and how to break it. In return, I will need you to remain here in the Dark Castle whilst I do so. Not as a prisoner, for we both know that there’s nothing to be gained in you leaving before the curse is broken. I could use some household help though. The place really needs dusting.”

Belle laughed. “Is that all? You want me to stay here and dust in return for breaking my curse?”

“Not breaking it, dearie.” Rumpelstiltskin wagged a finger at her. “I can’t promise you that.”

Belle leaned back on her stool, looking at him shrewdly.

“As much as I want my curse broken, I can’t remain here indefinitely waiting for your verdict,” she countered. “I think a time limit might be necessary. How long will you need?”

“Four months,” Rumpelstiltskin said quickly. “You shall stay here for as long as it takes to break the curse, to a maximum of four months. If I haven’t worked it out by that time, then as before, I will return you to the Marchlands unscathed. “

“Four months.” Belle nodded. “I dust, you work on my curse.”

“And if I haven’t managed to solve it in four months, then I will hang up my hat as a practitioner of magic forever,” Rumpelstiltskin declared.

Belle raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think that you need to be that drastic.”

“It’s a matter of professional pride. Very embarrassing to admit that I couldn’t establish the nature of a curse my own magic had a hand in creating.”

Belle stifled a giggle but accepted his reasoning. She put out her hand and Rumpelstiltskin shook it firmly.

The deal was struck.

[rickyriddle]

ChitaHitsu analysis

Hi everyone. So after the OtoShie analysis, here’s the ChitaHitsu one. Spoilrs for AnR manga, as well as Koakuma no Riddle 4 and epilogue. This is also somewhat a continuation of the Kirigaya Hitsugi apologetic post. So here’s a quick summary of this post:

Hitsugi orchestrated the entire RomiJuli incident. She knew Chitaru would discover the truth the day of the play and made sure it would happen. Hitsugi’s plan was to make Chitaru choose between her own wish (killing Angel Trumpet, thus justice) or Hitsugi’s wish (Chitaru’s heart, thus hope). Her motivation would have been to redeem herself, because she loves Chitaru and knew that she didn’t deserve to be with someone like her and that their relationship was almost impossible. So she wanted to at least grant Chitaru’s wish, to redeem herself for her crimes with death, or earn Chitaru’s forgiveness, which would have probably give her a reason to redeem herself by changing. But none of that happened and the worst outcome happened instead: She neither granted Chitaru’s wish nor earn her forgiveness.

So before continuing, let’s see what they like about each other and why they fall in love. In Hitsugi’s case, she pretty much loves Chitaru for her personality, even if Chitaru’s handsome and beautiful appearance must have also play a role. She probably never had met someone so gentle before and made her admire Chitaru and eventually fall in love with her. It also seems to have make her complexed about herself, since she keeps referring to herself as a bug, a worthless being, and a dirty liar. She mostly considers that Chitaru is too good for her and is ready to die for her, if it could please her. Although Hitsugi’s love for Chitaru is honest, if it makes you feel so bad about yourself that you are okay to be killed by the person you love, that’s not the most healthy form of love. Her love doesn’t drive her to become a better person, it only reminds her of how bad she is.

In Chitaru’s case, what do she likes about Hitsugi? If you consider Minakata’s doujins canon, then Chitaru did confirm that she loves Hitsugi. But why? And when? She probably started developing feelings for Hitsugi during their time spent in Class Black. But I feel like Chitaru isn’t really good with understanding her own feelings, like she’s too obsessed about justice and her duty to think about her love life and romance. I believe she realized her feelings for Hitsugi after she stabbed her, the sadness of thinking that she killed her made her realized that she loves her. But, before she discovered that Hitsugi  was Angel Trumpet, she only viewed Hitsugi as a cute, innocent and childish girl. So could it be possible that Chitaru fell in love with Hitsugi only for her cute appearance, as well as her fake personality? Because yes, Hitsugi looks cute, but she ain’t innocent or childish for real, it’s mostly just an act. Which means...Chitaru’s love for Hitsugi is most likely superficial and based on a fake image. She loves Hitsugi for what she thought she was, not for what she truly is.

Okay, now that we establish they both love each other but not in the most healthy way, let’s continue about the outcome in the manga. The only ways Hitsugi thought she could redeem herself was by dying or being forgiven by Chitaru, and neither of those option happened. Instead, Chitaru chose justice over love but failed to kill her. Now Hitsugi probably become bitter about that outcome and thinks that she can not longer redeem herself, and probably give up on that idea. She feels like Chitaru will never forgive her, and that she won’t kill her either. Hitsugi probably give up on being selfless in her love and about redemption, but she still continue to love Chitaru, but in a more selfish way. From what I’d seen in Koakuma no Riddle epilogue, Hitsugi is pretty much manipulating Chitaru to make her stay with her, by making her feel guilty and faking being remorseful, while in her mind she clearly said that she has no regret and knows that Chitaru is kind so it’s easy to make her feel bad so she would stay with her. She gives up on redemption and is ready to do anything to get what she wants.

But Chitaru is no better. In the manga Chitaru always act like she’s serving justice, told Shiena that killing is wrong no matter the reason, and really seems to be convinced that what she’s doing is right. But she’s an assassin too. She may actually believe those things she said, but I find it pretty hypocrite to go tell someone that they shouldn’t kill, while this is exactly what she does. In the anime she was my favorite character, and I liked how she hesitated to kill Hitsugi, so much that it was actually Hitsugi who impaled herself on the knife, which made it an actual double suicide. But in the manga it wasn’t the case, it looks more like a murder-suicide. Chitaru actually tried to kill Hitsugi, despite her being supposedly for justice and saying killing is wrong. Because no, trying to kill a defenseless kill who isn’t even trying to defend herself, a girl who is physically weaker than you, is certainly not justice. It’s vengeance. Chitaru didn’t choose justice, she chose vengeance. Justice would have been to bring Hitsugi to a fair trial to she could be judge by the law for her crime. It’s this tho that made her realize her feelings for Hitsugi, but a little bit too late. In Koakuma no Riddle epilogue, Chitaru is pretty much the shadow of herself. She looks depressed and actually knows that Hitsugi is manipulating her, but decided to stay with her regardless because she loves her. After trying to kill Hitsugi once, Chitaru is most likely too traumatised by this to try again, in my opinion. In Koakuma no Riddle 4 she actually said that she knows Hitsugi is lying and that she can’t forgive her, but stay with her because of love, even if she recognized that it’s making herself suffer.

So yeah, both of them are pretty selfish and irresponsible when it comes to their relationship. Hitsugi gave up on redemption because she feels like Chitaru would never forgive her anyway, and Chitaru stays with someone who’s making her suffer and which she actually realized.They are both making the other suffer and feel guilty by staying together. That’s the perfect recipients for not only an unhealthy relationship, but also an abusing and toxic one. Because yes, a person who’s manipulating and using guilt to keep their lover is abusive. They both have their responsibilities into this situation, and unless they actually try to work on their issues, their relation will remain toxic and could ended up being worst and abusive.

But I don’t think there relationship is necessarily doomed to be this way (mostly because I still ship them). Chitaru needs to acknowledge that she was wrong about her view of justice and apologies, and if she wants to stay with Hitsugi, then she should tried to help Hitsugi becoming a better person, to become a person she could actually forgive, rather than just suffering because she’s in love with someone she views as bad. And giving a good example would be a good idea, like if she stops being an assassin herself. And Hitsugi may have killed her teacher’s daughter, but it’s not like Hitsugi was the sole responsible. She was hired to kill her, it’s not like it was personal. Sure it’s wrong to have kill her, but Chitaru should at least not entirely blame it on Hitsugi and also blame Datura, and progressively put the blame on those who hired Hitsugi rather then Hitsugi herself, viewing Angel Trumpet as a job rather then the sole thing that represent Hitsugi. This way, it would be easier for her to have hope in Hitsugi’s redemption, and eventually forgive her. Because if she makes feels to Hitsugi that she believes that she can redeem herself, it would be easier for Hitsugi to believe it too and try. 

And in Hitsugi’s case, she needs to stop being bitter about how thing went during the play. She should be happy to have survived and try to use it as a chance to redeem herself from real. Dying was her easy option for redemption, because she didn’t have to make any effort into changing. And if Chitaru had chose love, maybe Hitsugi would have try to redeem herself by changing, but it would only be to please Chitaru. She needs to desire redemption for herself first, she needs to actually want to become a better person. She should use her love for Chitaru as a motivation to become a better person. Right now she gave up redemption because she felt that Chitaru will never forgive her anyway. But she shouldn’t think that way. She should show to Chitaru that she can change, give reasons to Chitaru to forgive her, put real efforts into her redemption. Doing something because you know you’ll be reward in the end isn’t selfless, it’s self-interested. Hitsugi shouldn’t base her actions on weather or not Chitaru will forgive her, but rather work on becoming the person she thinks would be worthy to be with Chitaru and earn her forgiveness.

So in conclusion, right now their relationship is pretty toxic, but they actually have options to help their relationship for the best. They just have to realize it, maybe take a couple therapy. But until now, I’m gonna call them Shitsugi and Shitaru because they are both shitty and in a shitty relationship. If you’re wondering how I know things about KnR epilogue, no it’s not because it’s translated in English, I actually found a Thai translation and managed to have a rough English translation.

Interesting point, I’d always felt like Minakata doesn’t like ChitaHitsu. It’s because it’s the only ship she never did any fanarts other then those for AnR and KnR. All the other ships had at least one fanart that wasn’t just for the manga or the doujins. Even OtoShie and YuriNio have fanarts made by Minakata, and they are showed in a more positive way in the doujins. They really must have a problem if the mangaka seems to think that OtoShie and YuriNio are more healthy (when I’m sure they are both unhealthy) then ChitaHitsu. I think Minakata knows that ChitaHitsu is toxic so she doesn’t personally ship them but still put them in her doujins to please the fans and to not acted in a biased way. Tho that’s mostly my opinion.