#but I told her none of my friends have ever… related to that pain

[theloveinc]

yooo i think i have the same thing ?? was there a reason for having tight muscles or is it like a genetic thing ??

my doctor didn’t mention genetics but she also said it was somewhat common, that some people just have tighter muscles there and whatever.

I was kinda 🙁 tho bc she didn’t mention any at home remedies LOL, but at least we know there’s a reason now!!

[streetlight11]

Love You For Eternity

Summary: Having a best friend is one of the best things in life. For you, it was him. He was your best friend, your partner in crime, your shoulder to cry on, your happiness, your soulmate, your eternity, your absolute everything...

Theme: childhood friends au, best friends to lovers

Genre: very fluffy

Warnings: mentions of being cheated on

WC: 3.4k

Pairing: Bang Chan x Fem!Reader

a/n: Hello! I was listening to Chan's recent SKZ RECORD 'Eternity' and the lyrics is so sweet that I got the inspiration to write this. I hope you enjoy this fic and let me know if there's any mistakes or things need to be improved! Enjoy ✨

There’s a popular phrase which most people could relate to and it goes like so; ‘People often come and go in your life, but the right ones will always stay’.

Throughout your whole life, you’ve had many friends. But at the end of the day, not many stayed. You can literally count with your fingers the amount of friends you had left who were the really close ones. And of all the close friends you had left, one of them meant the world to you. Nobody could ever replace him and nobody could ever make you feel the way he does.

You met him back in kindergarten when you were both at the age of 5. You were in the second form class, he was in the first form class. Everyday, you would only see him during play time because that is where both your classes would be brought to the playroom a few doors down from your classroom for an hour. Usually, you never liked to mingle or make new friends outside of your class simply because you’re a timid little girl. However, on that one unfortunate day is when you first interacted with him.

It was a Tuesday afternoon, where your teachers were preparing to bring you to the playroom. You were partnered with your best friend Mikayla for the short walk. When you made it to the playroom, the students from the other class were already there which means your class made it there just a tad later than them. Once you were all given the permission to go inside and play around for an hour, you began to head towards the slide with Mikayla. At one point, you were playing catch with her when you accidentally slipped and fell.

Hitting your chin onto the foam mat with a strong impact which left you crying. Not long after, a teacher came and carefully brought you to the side as she then hugged you to calm you down. She was sitting on the ground with you in her lap, burying your face in her shoulder while you cried. She rubbed your back soothingly as she said comforting words to you. Just then, you felt someone gently pat your head so you lifted your head up. That’s when you locked eyes with a boy with sparkly eyes. He looked concerned but then he smiled at you.

You held eye contact with him for a while as he gently patted your back to comfort you. Your teacher then asked if you had any injuries, she checked your mouth to see if you accidentally chipped a tooth or bit your lip or what not but it seemed like none of that happened. So she told you to sit here and rest if you wanted to, in which you agreed.

She got up to monitor the other kids while you sat there wiping your tears away. The boy from earlier sat down next to you as he flashes you an adorable smile.

“Is it still painful?” He asked.

“A little.” You quietly said and he nodded.

“My name is Chris. What is your name?”

“My name is Y/N.”

“Let’s be friends.” He said so you smiled. And that was the start of your friendship with him.

As the years go by, you went to the same schools which you also ended up being classmates through the entire years of school. Chris had many friends growing up but some of them come and go. On the other hand, you are never going anywhere and he won’t let you. The sad thing was, on the day of your high school graduation, he told you that he was leaving the country to go study in an overseas college which you dreaded so much.

You and Chris were like two peas in a pod.

Wherever one goes, the other will follow.

So to hear that he would be thousands of miles away, made you feel sad and uneasy. He told you that he will keep in touch with you every single day as if he never left but deep down, you knew it felt different.

Nevertheless, you weren’t going to stop him from going just because you want him close to you all the time. Which is why when he was supposed to leave, you sent him off at the airport together with your family and his. You promised him that you will look after his parents, Hannah, Lucas and Berry while he’s gone which he very much appreciates. After he had entered the departure hall and had gone further in, you sighed as his mother came over to give you a warm hug. She comforts you telling you that it was okay. You thanked her genuinely, only for Hannah to speak up.

“Since my older brother’s gone now, does that mean you’re my new older sister to replace him?” She asks cheekily, making you laugh.

“I’d love to.” You said as they all laughed.

Years soon went by and you were happy in college. Although you do still keep in contact with Chris every week, it wasn’t a secret that you miss him harder with every day that passes by.

Despite him being miles and miles away, you still keep him updated about almost everything that’s going on in your life. From school to friends to activities and even to dating and hookups. He would also tell you things that are happening in his life whenever you would facetime or even through texts. It’s interesting to hear how similar yet also different your lives were in both countries.

It’s been 4 years since you last saw him in person and today was the day you would be graduating from college. Your parents came down for your graduation ceremony as guests with the tickets you got for them so that they could enter the hall. The whole ceremony went perfectly as you collected your certificate on stage without embarrassing yourself. After the whole ceremony was over, it was time to leave the hall either for the buffet, for photo taking with your family and friends or to head home.

You met up with your family as they brought you to a corner where it wasn’t too crowded. Some of your friends came down to give you flowers and celebrate your graduation together which was really sweet. You were just taking pictures with your best friend as your younger brother was your photographer when someone tapped your shoulder. You turned around thinking it was a random student or a stranger but you were wrong. As soon as you turn around, your smile drops and you freeze from an immense amount of shock.

Standing in front of you now was Chris.

Who was wearing a white button down shirt, denim jeans and a pair of sneakers. He grins at you whilst holding a bouquet of your favourite blue roses with baby's breath flowers around it.

“Hey.” He chuckles adorably and you seem to have lost your words.

“Is it really you?” You asked in denial, making him laugh.

“Do you wanna check if I’m real?” He laughs again. This time, you bent down to put everything down on the ground before throwing yourself on him. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders while you buried your face in his neck. Chris laughs at your reaction but still wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer to him. You started tearing up and he felt it.

“Oi! Stop crying! You’re gonna ruin your pretty makeup!” Chris teasingly raises his voice at you as he pulls away. Everyone around you laughed at how funny and cute you were. Chris then took the tissue that your mother held for him to take as he wipes your tears away.

After a few more minutes, you finally took pictures with him for memories of your graduation. Once everything was settled, you thanked your friends for coming and they congratulated you once again before leaving. Meanwhile, Chris stayed upon getting an invite from your parents to go grab some dinner with your family which he agreed to. As you all began to walk out of the place, you walked with Chris behind your family. You turned to get a good look at him and he laughed.

“What? You still can’t believe I’m here?” He asks.

“Uh? Duh! You told me you couldn’t come to my graduation because of your own graduation!” You scolded him as you gently punched his arm.

“Well obviously I had to lie? I didn’t wanna ruin my surprise!” He said casually, earning a scoff from you.

“Kudos to you for pulling it off then.” You smiled at him as he ruffled your hair playfully. Dinner was nice and he told your family about his plans now that he’s graduated college. He said that he’ll be moving back here in a month's time and so you got happy.

And that was exactly what he did.

As each year went by, your friendship with Chris kept growing stronger and stronger now that he’s physically back here with you. Every guy you went on a date with, could never reach your expectations simply because of how high your best friend has set the bar for you. From a certain perspective, it might seem ridiculous and overrated. But on some perspective, it was set on a level where you realised that that is how you deserve to be treated. With the past dates and failed relationships you’ve had over the last decade, it made you realise how low and shitty those guys have ever made you feel.

It even got to a point where you were giving up on finding someone who could barely treat you right. Until that one night where you came to Chris’ apartment door crying after your boyfriend of 2 years broke up with you when you found him cheating on you.

He didn’t expect to see you there but he knew you needed him at that moment. So instead of letting you cry and calm down on your own, he brought you to his room and led you to his bed. He laid with you in bed, his blanket covering both your bodies as you cried onto his chest and he comfortingly caressed your head. You took at least 10 minutes to finally stop crying and calm down but he was so patient with you. Ever since then, you stopped going on dates to avoid getting your heart broken again. And all this time, Chris was right there next to you.

It’s been months since your break up and you’ve healed from it, not to mention moved on.

It was a Friday evening and Chris asked if you wanted to hang out at his place. You agreed easily to it considering he was your best friend.

When you arrived at his apartment, he greeted you at the door with just a cosy pair of sweatpants. You’ve seen him shirtless a couple times so it’s pretty normal for you by now. The only problem is, you find it harder and harder to keep your emotions hidden every single time mainly because of how much he’s changed over the years.

Mind you, this was the same Christopher who comforted you when you fell on your chin in preschool. So when he caught you glancing down at his abs briefly, he smirked teasingly whilst saying, “Do you like what you see?”

“Ew! Shut up!” You laughed, shoving his shoulders lightly and he chuckled.

“Oh what? You’re shy now?” He asked teasingly which made you scowl at him.

“Christopher Bahng, I swear-”

“Okay! Okay, I’ll stop.” He says with a cheeky smile. You rolled your eyes at him but the smile growing on your face, quickly betrayed you.

You hung out with him that night, quickly losing track of time even though you weren’t really doing anything significant other than watching movies, chatting, gossiping and snacking. It was already a quarter past midnight but you weren’t planning to head home anytime soon. He was sitting next to you, scrolling through the movies on netflix when an idea struck you.

“Hey, are you tired?” You asked.

“Nope. Why?” Chris asks without turning to you.

“Wanna go for a little walk?” You asked as he finally turned to you with an amused smile on his face.

“You wanna go outside? Where do you wanna go though?” He asks.

“I don’t know.”

The room fell silent as you both thought of a place to go. Just then, he suggests something.

“How about we’ll drive around and see where that leads us. Then we’ll stop somewhere nice where we can chill?”

“Sounds good. What time shall we go?”

“Do you wanna go now or a little later?” He looks at you softly, melting you in your seat.

“Later. When there’s lesser people outside.” You said and he laughed. Nevertheless, he agrees and waits with you.

An hour had passed and you were both preparing to leave. Chris had changed into a white shirt, a black oversized bomber jacket, denim jeans and a pair of sneakers. He also recently dyed his hair to a strawberry brunette colour. He lent you one of his oversized jackets which was too big on you but you loved it. Especially since it’s his but of course you couldn’t tell him that. You zipped it up to just below your chest while one side hangs loosely off your shoulder. Once you were both ready, you left his apartment as he chats with you about random topics.

The drive was basically aimless with no particular destination. After about half an hour of driving, you reached a part of the town which was empty and quiet.

All the street shops were closed and there were no cars on the road aside from the few that were parked along the side. There weren't any drunk or sober humans lingering around the street either, which was great. So he parked at one of the lots before you both left the vehicle.

“We have the whole street to ourselves.” You giggled while he smiled at you.

“What should we do?"

“Let’s capture these moments. I wanna be able to look back on it on days when I feel down or empty…” You said as you took your phone out and clicked the camera app.

This was normal to him because you do this every time you hang out with him or go on spontaneous trips like this. You loved to capture random moments like this so you could look back on them for the memories you shared with him.

You turned on the front camera video and clicked the record button before setting it up against one of the shop’s window ledges to work as a phone stand. Once it was standing securely, you turned to see him standing a few feet behind you with his hand tucked in his hoodie pockets. Chris was just staring at you quietly with a fond smile on his face. Since he didn’t seem like he was gonna move anytime soon, you giggled as you leaped forward. He opened his arms just in time to catch you.

You wrapped your arms around his neck while he hugged your waist. He laughed at you, saying you’re funny in which you thanked him. Just then, he suggested a challenge.

You will both go to the end of the street where the traffic light is and you will both have to run towards the phone. You easily agreed to it and he was excited. When you made it to the end of the street and you could sort of see yourself on your phone screen, you turned to him to ask a few more questions.

“Loser has to do what?” You asked.

“The loser has to eat a whole bowl of spicy noodles.”

“Damn, you make me wanna lose although I hate spicy food.” Just then, he tapped your shoulder and quickly took off running.

“Race you there!” He sprints down the pathway, leaving you behind.

“Hey! You cheated!” You screamed in between laughs but soon sprinted down.

You tried to catch up to him as best as you could. Once you managed to run past him, Chris laughed. You were just a few metres away from the finish line when he grabbed your jacket to pull you back. This caused you to stumble back, only to crash into his chest while he back hugs you.

Both your laughters echoed around the empty street, feeling him wrap his arms securely around you.

“Christopher! Let go!” You giggled but he refused to let go of you.

"No. That way no one loses.” You laughed in his arms feeling him bury his face in your neck, smiling against your skin. He then guided you towards his car before he leaned against the door.

You took this chance to turn around and face him. When you did, Chris still had his hands on your waist while you gently slid your hands up his chest to rest your wrists on top of his shoulders. Neither of you talked but the atmosphere seemed warm and cosy between the two of you.

You then caught his eyes glancing down at your lips. This made the butterflies in your stomach erupt. Chris then looks back up into your eyes and his lips curled into a soft smile.

“I’m never letting go.”

“We can’t stay out here all night, Chris.” You giggled, only for him to shake his head. You get confused, tilting your head to the side slightly and he chuckles.

So he explained to you, “I’ve known you ever since the day when we were kids. Nothing in the world could beat our little special bond. Every moment with you is a precious memory and I’m lucky that you’re my best friend… So, I’m never letting you go…” Chris says with so much fondness in his voice that it makes you melt against his arms.

You smiled at him, feeling like your heart was fluttering in your chest.

“Chris…” His name slips past your tongue in a whisper which he heard loud and clear. Your hands were now resting on his stomach while he reached up to hold your face with both his hands gently. He caressed your cheeks with his thumbs, never breaking eye contact with you.

Without any words exchanged, he carefully leans his head forward slowly to see if you would pull away. When he was just an inch away and he realises that you weren’t pulling away, Chris finally closes the gap fully.

He gently kisses on you the lips, feeling his soft lips touch yours.

You wrap your hands around his waist as you feel his lips curl into a smile against yours.

After a few seconds, you pulled back for a breath but kept his face close to yours. His lips hovered over yours as he kissed you again. You giggled into the kiss, earning a smile from him when he pulled away.

“What?” He asks but you gently pat your hands against his chest while he drops his hands to your waist.

“Nothing. You’re just so adorable…” You said, making him blush.

“I love you, Y/N… I love you for eternity.” Chris says, making you hug him.

You felt him wrap his arms around your waist securely, making you feel safe.

“I love you for eternity too, Chris.” You whispered against his shoulder. You then felt him kiss your neck before you pulled away to look at his face. He was smiling softly at you as you took this chance to kiss him again. A couple of seconds later, he whispers over your lips, “Let’s get your phone and head back home.” You nodded and did as he said.

Once you took your phone back, you both went in the car and he drove you back to his place.

The drive back home was filled with a peaceful silence as you tangled your fingers together with his hand in your lap. When you made it back to his apartment, you both took warm showers separately before changing into his comfortable clothes for sleeping. You climbed into bed next to him, only for Chris to pull you in. You laid your head on his chest while one of your legs rested in between his. He hugs you close, making sure you are safe in his arms. Right before you fall asleep, Chris reaches up to tilt your chin up using his fingers and soon kisses your lips softly.

“Goodnight, my love.”

“Goodnight… I love you…” You whispered tiredly as he smiled down at you before kissing you again.

“I love you more.” His gentle voice says and soon, you both fell asleep.

[penkura]

Can I request a Sanji x Female Reader where the reader is Luffy's older sister? She's younger than Ace and Sabo, but was always the mother-hen of the group. Always taking care of others before herself even if it causes her pain in the process. Her brothers are extremely overprotective of her as she is of them. She may be smaller in size and the sweetest thing, but she is not weak by any means and can hold her own. How would Sanji treat her knowing her self sacrificing nature? And how would the brothers react to her being in her first relationship?

Omg I love this idea! I love writing the Reader being Luffy's sister, it's so much fun. And thinking about how Sabo and Ace would react, omg, I had fun with this one! :) I hope you enjoy it!

You and Sanji met through Robin, who believed the two of you would be perfect together. She’d told you everything about him and it endeared you to this stranger that worked at the bakery you loved going to, while Sanji was constantly hearing about you from Luffy, though he doesn’t know the two of you are related for a while. You weren’t keeping it a secret for any real reason, just taking things slow with Sanji because it’s your first relationship, you don’t want to rush into things and he’s okay with that too.

Once Sanji realizes how much you sacrifice for others, especially your family, he starts to take over doing somethings for you. If you make dinner for the two of you he does all the dishes, even does that when he’s the one who made dinner. He won’t let you be a ‘yes’ man when people ask for help, if you’re not able to he takes over or just pulls you away so you don’t get in over your head. Sanji becomes protective of you very quickly, trying to keep you safe and from being taken advantage of by others.

It makes him think too much of his mother, and he’s very open with you about his own family and what he went through as he grew up, explaining how his mom gave up so much for him and how his brothers treated him. He felt bad when it made you cry, Sanji tried to console you and you just said how you didn’t understand how siblings could be so mean, yours weren’t anything like that.

Sanji is surprised when you tell him you actually have three brothers, that one of them is Luffy, he never expected it despite him having three himself, he’s glad to hear yours were much nicer than his were. When you laugh and tell him they’re the greatest brothers you could’ve asked for, he feels relieved (and thinks about how he’d like to hear you laugh every day). Sanji doesn’t want to pry too much, so he waits until your next date to ask about your family.

“Well, Luffy is my biological brother, Ace and Sabo were adopted. They’re both a year older than me.”

“So you’re basically the middle child then.”

“Hmm…I guess so!”

Like how Sanji keeps your relationship from his family for now, you’ve kept it from Ace and Sabo just in case they become too overprotective of you. The two scared off most boys that liked you in high school, to the point it frustrated you so much you cried about it to Garp who nearly beat the two over the head for making you upset, even threatened them with military school if they did it again. Ace and Sabo just wanted you to be safe, they knew how sixteen year old boys were, none of them were good enough for you. Even in college they were watchful of any guy you went on a date with, they stalked social media accounts and asked the friends of the guy, but when you’d come back home with a frown saying it wasn’t going to work out, the two would breathe sighs of relief. Honestly, they were just worried for you. You’ve always put others first and willingly given up so much for those around you, you wrangled the three boys like you were their mom half the time, considering your parents weren’t around it made sense. Ace and Sabo didn’t think they could bare the thought of you coming home in tears with a broken heart, they’d want to go kill whoever did it and then come back to comfort you.

Nothing ever stuck as a real relationship, not until you finally met Sanji and started to think this could be the real deal. Its about six months into it when he tells you that he has thoughts about getting married and having children one day, asking for your thoughts on the matters before you talk through it, coming to agreements and it makes you realize that you’re in love with Sanji, and he knew already that he felt the same.

You still wait several months after that before you bring him over to meet them, Luffy already knows and hangs around you both, you’re surprised but grateful he hadn’t told Ace or Sabo about it. You would’ve kept it secret longer, just to be safe, but once Sanji proposes and you accept, you know you’ve got to tell them about it. It makes you nervous just because they’re your brothers, you’ve kept your relationship a secret and now you’re engaged, but Sanji is nervous because he's not sure how Ace and Sabo will react. Even with Luffy saying they’ll be happy for the two of you, he’s expecting two big guys that are ready to pick him up and throw him out like a stray cat.

But he doesn’t expect them to be so excited to see you and trapping you in a hug which Luffy joins. It’s like you haven’t been home in months, but he knows that’s not true. You’re over there every Friday night to catch up with them. Even when you push the two off you, there’s a smile on your face.

“All right, enough, you’re gonna smother me at this rate.”

“Hey, we only see you once a week, it’s not enough time!”

Ace nods in agreement with Sabo, about to pull you into another big hug before the two look at Sanji and their smiles pretty much disappear. They’ve met him before, since he’s friends with Luffy, but now that they know you and Sanji are dating, it makes everything different. You roll your eyes though, going back to Sanji’s side and taking his hand.

“Ace, Sabo, this is—”

“We know.”

“We’ve met him.”

It gets quiet, you aren’t entirely sure what to say and neither is Sanji. Ace and Sabo almost give him a stare down, like they just know already how serious the two of you are, to the point you sigh.

“Yeah, so, Sanji and I are dating. It’s been about a year now.”

“Yeah uh,” Sabo scratches the back of his head, looking away when you raise an eyebrow, “We…we knew that too…”

“…you’ve been stalking my socials haven’t you?”

“Ace did it.”

“What?! Dude, you did too!”

While you start to reprimand Ace and Sabo, Luffy joining in that it was no fun to tell people things when they already knew, Sanji just watches and he’s not sure why, but he can’t help feeling happy and smiling as he watches the four of you.

It's so different from his own family, even though he hasn’t spoken to the majority of them in years. You and your brothers actually seem happy when you talk, your smile tells him you’re not worried about anything, the nerves you’d told him you had about introducing everyone were gone. Sanji is very quick with an offer to make dinner for everyone when you try to start it yourself, making you ask if he’s sure before he gives you a smile.

“You should hang out with your brothers, I can handle it!”

You return the smile before kissing his cheek and going back to the living room, sitting by Luffy as Sabo looks back to you.

“You really like him?”

“Mm-hm, a lot.”

“Does he make you do stuff for him?” Ace calls over the game he and Luffy are playing, not looking away from the TV.

“No, he actually barely lets me do anything at all. Like, I’ll do laundry and he’ll offer to fold it, then still make us dinner…he does way too much for me.”

“Nah, that’s a good thing, sounds like he’s a good guy.”

“Means he’s not taking advantage of you,” Sabo smiles while he nods, “That’s all we were worried about.”

You confirming that Sanji is treating you right, like a princess, lets Sabo and Ace feel like this is good, you’re happy and not acting like there’s something wrong that you’re hiding. You don’t plan to tell then the two of you are actually engaged tonight, but next week instead, only because it’s still the first real meeting between your brothers and Sanji.

You’re really glad it all worked out well, especially when they try his cooking, Ace and Sabo acting like they’ve died and gone to heaven. They quickly demand Sanji has to cone over every Friday night with you and make dinner, something he’s glad to agree to.

[dairyminki]

Inked By Fate - ONE

↬ pairing/s: park seonghwa x fem!reader, choi san x fem!reader ↬ genre: soulmate!au, racers!ateez, rivalry, angst, romance, fluff, pining ↬warning/s: none (lmk if i missed anything) ↬wc: 1k+

*reblogs and feedbacks are much appreciated!

・・・・・★

You hissed as you felt the pricking sensation on your back growing much more intense by the second. Your hands gripped at the counter, knuckles almost turning white, as you tried to steady yourself up whilst trying to not give in to the pain.

Here, it goes again.

A minute or two later, the door to the shop opens, revealing another female whose face turned panicky upon seeing your state behind the counter.

"Oh my god, Y/N!" The newly arrived female runs to you and then quickly guides you to one of the chairs. She eases you through the pain by cracking some jokes and telling you everything about her day. By the time the pain subsided, you were left staring at the pastel-painted ceiling, spaced out on the chair with a sore back.

"Y/N..."

A voice snaps you out of your mini daze.

"I-I think it's the biggest one yet, Jia." You told your best friend whose eyes widened in response.

"That explains why you looked more pained than ever." Jia says, pouting. "I'm sorry you always have to go through this. If only I can do something-"

You immediately put a hand up, indicating that you don't want to hear Jia continuing her words.

Because in the first place, it's not and will never be your best friend's fault. The cruelty of fate and destiny - that's what to blame.

"Ji, can you check it for me please?" You ask her instead, gesturing your back, with your head. Without any other word, Jia rushes behind you and rolls up your baby blue shirt.

"Oh my- Y/N, it's very pretty!" Jia exclaims, prompting you to roll your eyes.

"Jia, everything for you is pretty," you counter.

"No- I mean, I'm not kidding this time. This one's different!" Jia insists, and when you turn to look at her, you could see how your best friend's eyes sparkled in delight.

Seeing the doubt in your face, Jia offers, already extending her hand to you, "Do you want me to take a picture of it?" she asks.

"Yes, please."

・・・・・★

As soon as you got inside your apartment, you immediately went inside your room and made your way to your bed. Hugging a pillow, you laid down on your side as your mind drifted off to the familiar dark abyss where your endless thoughts resided.

Just how much pain will you still have to go through before you finally meet them?

For all you could know, maybe the chances of meeting them might not even be that high...so does that mean you'll have to suffer endlessly through these pains?

Sometimes, you question why fate and destiny chose to play their cards this way...

Why do they have to make it so hard for everyone, just for the sake of finding each other's soulmates? Your soulmate.

Yes, all the pain you've been feeling is all caused by your one and only soulmate. Your, supposed to be, 'other half' who, for some reason, you still can't find.

As a child, your parents always told you and your brother about the concept of soulmates, and of fate and destiny. Because of that, you've learned to love and appreciate the concept so much that everytime you see the inked initial on your wrist, you can't help but smile. Looking at it always manages to make your day.

That is, until you turned 18 - still no signs of your so-called soulmate. Due to that unfortunate reason, you had to experience another soulmate mark.

You remembered giggling in joy once upon a time as you let your imagination run wild. You imagined that maybe you'll have the infamous different eye color mark, or maybe the changing hair color one - but you certainly didn't expect this - for getting another tattoo related mark.

It started when you were in the middle of your Physics midterm exam, when you suddenly felt pain surging through your lower leg. The pain was bearable, but still it was pain.

When you went inside the bathroom, that's when you took notice of the black ink that was present in your leg. The tattoo was in the form of a fiery crown. And at first you were confused, thinking that your eyes were probably deceiving you. However, after spending nearly an hour staring at the same spot on your leg and searching on the web for confirmation, you eventually found out that it indeed is, your new soulmate mark.

After that, the tattoos just kept coming, and before you even knew it, your upper arm towards your back was littered with black ink.

And then today happened...

The biggest tattoo your soulmate has ever done - and they really had to place it on their back?

You wanted to curse them, but you thought that what if your soulmate didn't know? What if your soulmate didn't know that this is the case for your new soulmate mark? That for each tattoo they decide to get on their skin, the very same one starts to blossom on yours as well? Can you blame them?

"What a day..." You mutter under your breath, and then you suddenly realized that you still haven't seen the new design on your own back. And so, you quickly fished your phone out from your pocket.

"Oh my god...Jia wasn't joking." It is pretty. Maybe, the prettiest you've ever seen.

The tattoo was an infinity symbol, but instead of the plain one, it was made of a rose, with its stem bended into a loop with all the thorns present. And then somewhere along the lines were the words, fate and destiny.

You don't know why, but you felt warm. You felt warm because it's as if your soulmate was thinking the same as you.

That no matter how beautiful the concept of having soulmates is, the process of finding them says otherwise. But in the end, you know it'll be worth it. Just like a rose, no matter how beautiful it is, it still has prickly thorns that might pierce your skin. But in the end, it'll still be a beautiful flower to those who can see.

So that's why even though this game of hide and seek might be tiring and somewhat painful, you'll still move forward. Hoping that each step you take will finally lead you to your soulmate.

"What a beautiful pain..." You sighed as your gaze went to the letter that was inked on your right wrist.

S.

・・・・・★

↬a/n: hello hello hello~ this one's finally been freed from my drafts dungeon and i'm so happy! the first chapter is just an introduction for y'all to get a glimpse of the character and their life. see ya on the next chapter where things will begin to unfold ♡

↬ IBF MASTERLIST ↬ ATEEZ MASTERLIST

[alicent-hightowers-spouse]

Idk if this is real or I’m just going crazy from sleep deprivation, but am I the only one that thought in the most two recent episodes Rhaenyra and Alicent were being paralleled in their internalized misogyny? (Not a hate post, I love both of them and I think it’s impossible NOT to have internalized misogyny in that setting. Just talking about something I noticed.)

Like in episode two we see Alicent having Helaena do the whole political funeral thing, and it’s so obvious that before, during, and after it, Alicent sees herself in Helaena. The whole thing is like Alicent reliving her earliest days as Queen all over again where not only was she also just a political pawn for the men in her life, but also where her biggest fear started. This fear being something happening to the kids she was forced to have. While the political pawn thing is majorly important too to the generational misogyny discussion, I think the more major relation that registers within Alicent’s brain is the fear of her children dying, and her consciously forcing Helaena to suffer through an extended version of that pain, and it is what will be relevant later in my post. Keep that in mind.

Similarly, in episode three, we see Rhaenyra narrowing Rhaena down to nothing more than an idea of motherhood. Rhaenyra basically tells Rhaena that her main purpose in the war is to take care of her children, even though Rhaena is less than enthusiastic about it. Even before I made the distinction that I make in this post, this whole scene struck out as odd to me, because my first thought was “teenage Rhaenyra would have hated to be told this,” yet Rhaenyra didn’t seem to care about Rhaena’s feelings at all. And then I realized that was the point. Sure, Rhaenyra’s fear of motherhood surrounded around childbirth mainly, but still, her greatest fear had been motherhood for most of her life, specifically being forced to mother children she didn’t want, and yet she forced it onto Rhaena without a second thought.

So. Alicent’s greatest fear, suffering the loss of a child, befell Helaena, and instead of comforting her in her time of need, Alicent furthered her daughter’s pain. Rhaenyra’s greatest fear, being forced into motherhood, was easy for her to force onto another young girl. It’s disturbing, and shocking, and upsetting, but it’s such a good decision for their characters. It shows how easily women can forget their girlhood fears when they come into more power, contributing to the misogyny around them. But that’s not all. Because then I realized something else.

Despite the idea haunting her for almost her entire life, Alicent never had to suffer the loss of a child. But Rhaenyra did.

And in the end, Rhaenyra did get to choose who the father of her children was, and when she had them. But Alicent didn’t.

They lived each other’s worst fears. It adds another layer of tragedy to them, because it would have been so easy for them to understand each other, their fears and grievances matching perfectly, but they never really got the chance because of how they viewed the other as having caused their issues in the first place. And even later, they get another chance to understand both themselves and each other through their daughters, but it makes no difference.

None of them will ever win, because they don’t help each other. Everyone complaining that “so-and-so” is better than “this character” because “so-and-so” is a true feminist and “this character isn’t” doesn’t understand the point of the show.

The point is that they won’t help their mothers, they won’t help their best friends, and they won’t help their daughters. If you think any of the men in House Of The Dragon are an ideal image of feminism…. I don’t even know how you’re on my page in the first place. And all the women in the show are only looking out for their own best interests. Which is totally fair for the time period theyre in, and I would probably do the same. But it all goes to show that they could’ve been so much stronger if they all stood together.

[v3nusxsky]

helloh, i love ur fanfic so much, huh i’m in a really sad mood lately and larissa is my comf character, can i ask some larissa x r fluff of just larissa being cute while comforting reader (reader just lost one of the most important person in their life and they are really sad and cries a lot recently / the person they’ve lost is not dead!), u can choose if larissa and reader are in a relation or nop

it’s oki if u don’t want to write it

:’ have a lovely trip! ily~

Hey lovely, I’m sorry you’ve been feeling sad recently but I’m glad that you are finding comfort in my fics.

Gone. Just like that.

*Authors note~ I'm in the mood for some angst so here we go*

Trigger warnings~ abandonment issues coming out

Prompt~ see ask^^

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

Coming out is single handedly the hardest thing you would ever have to do. You knew that it would be hard, that most people probably wouldn't accept who and what you were. The feeling of fear is the soul reason why it has taken you so long to finally admit the truth. Your parents were absolutely disgusted by you, they told you that. And if you were honest you were expecting that reaction from them, that's why you told them at parents weekend. You were safe at Nevermore, the worst they could do is leave.

But what you weren't expecting was for your twin sister Melissa to react in such a manner. She told you just how disappointed and disgusted she was to be your sister. That really hurt. She was literally the other half of you and now she was rejecting you too. Your parents, sure you'd expected it but your Isa? No you never in your wildest dreams imagined she'd react like this. So when she left with your parents your heart shattered. The tears streaming down your face as you replayed her words over and over again.

"It's disgusting, unnatural, you aren't any sister of mine let alone my twin. I want nothing to do with you ever again and I hope you burn in hell for your sins"  the venom in her words really cutting you deep every time you went over her words. How could she say such hateful things? You were her other half quite literally, identical twins. Yet here she was abandoning you too. As of today you had no family and that fact made you want to disappear. Maybe then everyone would be happier.

For days you locked yourself in your dorm room, crying out all the pain you felt. It was an uncontrollable pain one that felt like it would never go away. Your worst fear had come true. Being alone. Truly you were alone now, no family, not any friends and hell you had no support system. That is why you had gotten away with hiding for so long. After all did anyone actually care to check on you? No. They didn't, which is why you had lost everyone, because you deserved to be alone.

You had no idea just how worried the principal of Nevermore is about you. The poor women was going mad with worry. She had began checking all of your usual hang out spots, the food hall and your attendance records. None of which, gave her any information. Which is why after a few days and a few reports of hearing sobs coming from your dorm, she made her way to check.

Wanting to respect your privacy, yet not quite being able to make herself leave without seeing you, she knocked on your dorm. When there was no sign of any movement from inside the room, she reached into her pockets and unlocked the door. The sight that met her was absolutely heartbreaking.

You lay curled up in bed, all photo frames had been smashed, the room trashed and you curled up into the fetal position sobbing. Your shoulder were shaking violently yet the sound had long since stopped coming. This was so out of character for you and she had to help somehow. She made her way to sit on the edge of your bed, calling for you hoping to break through your state.

You shook and fought to wipe your falling tears, "p-pr-inciple- w-eems?"you whispered brokenly, your voice hoarse from all the crying. When you peaked out from your blankets she saw just how red raw your eyes were. How long had you been in this state?  "Oh my darling, I'm here can you tell me what's upsetting you little one?" Her tone was light and motherly and all you could do is throw yourself into her body. Instantly, she wrapped her arms around you and started to rock you gently.

You managed to stutter out an incoherent explanation of what had happened. Surprisingly, she  understood everything you said and responded by stroking your back and whispering words of reassurance and comfort. Reminding you that although the situation sucks, and it was really unfair your family couldn't see just how amazing you were.

She shared her stories of her own coming out and how that had been similar to your experience, the point to make you feel less alone and remind you that it's okay for you to be who you are and not feel guilty. There was nothing wrong with you, we love who we love and that's okay. For the first time in days, you finally felt at peace, snuggled into the older women's arms. Her calming actions and words never ceased. You told her stories of Isa and how much you loved your twin sister, how much it hurt you that she had left you too. She listened eagerly and reassured you that maybe Isa was struggling with her own issues, after all you had escaped to Nevermore while Isa hadn't. It was rare for one twin to be an outcast while another was a Normie which is why you often felt like an outsider in your own family.

Larissa made sure to remind you she was always here for you and Nevermore will always be your home. You don't have to hide here, be who you are freely and remember her door is always open to you. Day or night, if you need her she wanted you to come and find her. You nodded in response to her kind words and snuggled further into her.

Word count ~ 1056

[campgender]

from “Public Silence, Private Terror” in Skin by Dorothy Allison:

There has recently been an intensified debate on Female sexuality among feminists and lesbians, with lines often furiously drawn, with sadomasochism and pornography as key words which are variously defined according to who is talking. The depth of women’s rage and fear regarding sexuality and its relation to power and pain is real, even when the dialogue sounds simplistic, self-righteous, or like parallel monologues. – Adrienne Rich

I knew when I first met her that it would be all right to love her, that whatever happened we would emerge from this not broken. It would not be about betrayal. Loving doesn’t terrify me. Loss does. The women I need are literally disappearing from the face of the earth. It has already happened. – Barbara Smith

I keep wanting to take down the card that holds Adrienne Rich’s words so that I can file them away and no longer have to think about the fact that it is certainly fear that has dominated the debate on female sexuality, that it is fear that has provoked the shouting, name-calling, and rejection. I am tired of trying to understand why people fall into self-righteous hatred, but the card stays up for just that reason: to remember the human dimensions of the debate. The quote from “Home” serves the same purpose, but it also reaches my own fear, going deeper still to a level of desire I have known since I first realized what it would mean to my life to be queer. Home is what I have always wanted—the trust that my life, my love, does not betray those I need most, that they will not betray me.

“You confuse the two,” a friend once told me. “When we talk about love, we are not necessarily speaking of sex. When we talk about sex, love is not at issue.”

Is that true? I ask myself and read the cards over again. Sexuality. Sex. Rage. Fear. Pain. Love. Betrayal. Home. These are the words that have scored my life. I have always been trying to understand myself, to find some elemental sense of a life that is my own and not inherently wrong, not shameful, not a betrayal of those I love most. At thirteen it was the simple issue of just being a lesbian; at twenty it was the kind of woman I wanted to touch and to be touched by; at twenty-five it was the realization of what kind of touch felt like sex to me. None of it has ever been easy. Throughout my life I have felt that I was fighting off some terrible, amorphous confusion about sex itself, what I have a right to do or want, what was dangerous and what was vital, and most fearfully of all, what would make the women I loved literally disappear from my life.

Beneath the quotes from Adrienne Rich and Barbara Smith, held by a pin that positions a picture of my younger sister and her two children, is a line I have written out for myself, the beginning to an article I started long ago and could not finish. The terrors of sex are real, it reads. The awful vulnerability of the individual exposed physically and emotionally—and we are too often betrayed by our own desires or the failures of our lovers. Betrayal again, I notice, and this time failure. It does not appear that I am so very much different from the woman who called me. We are both stumbling over our private fears, worrying at desire from the downhill side, not speaking to the trust and joy I know we both are seeking.

Grief should not be where we have to start when we talk of sex. But the idea of a life in which rage, physical fear, or emotional terror prevents even the impetus of desire—that is the image that haunts the discussion for me.

[27-liter-horse]

'Census Designated' review

To say my mind and eardrums were blown away by this record would be one of the many brilliant ways to describe my experience listening to this. I have been familiar with this album, more specifically the song 'Backseat Girl', and I was expecting a nice little noise hit here and for this to be an average to decent body of work. However, I was wrong. What immediately picked up my attention was the intense and brooding atmosphere of the opening track, 'Cage Girl / Camgirl', and that was the moment I realized this wasn't going to be just any hyperpop album. The songs are best experienced when they are played ear-piercingly loud. One element that greatly contributes to the album being as good as it is is Jane's voice. It has a very sharp, distinct edge to it and pairs beautifully with the autotune, almost like it's a recorded audio of someone tearfully singing about all of their struggles. 'Lips' is the best song off the entire album, starting off with an extremely deep and noisy edge and heavy songwriting and ending with an explosion of pure shoegaze noise. I got in trouble multiple times for playing the song way too loud. It's insanely cathartic to listen to, and a friend told me it's very 'Claire coded' (Claire is my name). Every time I listen to it, I find new things to appreciate about it, and I hope I will make music like this someday. It almost seems like the album isn't of its time; it has a heavy Deftones-esque sound to me, especially on the track 'Holding a Leech', a track with incredibly soft guitars and reverberated vocals that practically vibrate into the listener's ears. 'Fling' and 'Always Have Always Will' are my other two favorite songs off the album. One is extremely edgy and quite literally sounds heartbroken, and the other is very slow and heavy on the ears and uncannily reminds me of yeule's album 'softscars', which was released just a month before this album. 'Backseat Girl' and 'Idling Somewhere' I consider to be sister tracks because they are the first two tracks I have heard of this album and are also right next to each other in the tracklist. They both possess amazing openings, probably the most memorable off the entire album, and feature amazing songwriting. 'Backseat Girl' especially was a song that helped me in a dark place. The screaming beat drop at the end is probably the second most memorable moment of the entire album, right after the entirety of 'Lips'. Finally, we close off with three of the most heartbreaking songs off the entirety of the LP, 'Census Designated', an incredibly self-hating track which got its own music video shot by none other than Quadeca and has the most ear-piercing, feedback-heavy ending I ever listened to. 'And I bet she's so lucky to have a voice like that, I'm young blood, fresh meat, and I like that' is an insane tear-jerker of a verse. 'Video' is very relatable to me, and I can feel the pain of the lyrics so much. The track is about meeting a person and thinking they are someone to idolize because they did something questionable, only for them to disappoint you once you actually meet them. We finally close off with 'Contingency Song', which I personally consider to be the most bitter and depressing song written in the last five years. It is 'The Downward Spiral' levels of nihilism and hopelessness and the perfect way to end an album like 'Census Designated'. If 100 gecs gave birth to the hyperpop genre and pushed it to the mainstream, then Jane Remover matured the genre and showed listeners that an album can have all the elements of said genre and still have heartbreaking songwriting and shoegaze so heavy it can legitimately be comparable to the likes of 'Loveless'. Apparently, Ethel Cain's music (which I'm also a big fan of) was a big influence on the LP, and it's no surprise, especially considering Cain is also a transgender artist who is subverting modern pop music. Seeing Jane Remover mature as an artist is one blessing, but seeing her mature the genre she set herself with is ten of them.

Favourite tracks: Lips, Fling, Always Have Always Will, Backseat Girl, Video

Least favourite tracks: N/A

[kytedevlin]

The End

Playing with a new graphic. As for my opinion on the series. This is its only logical conclusion in my opinion. This isn't any hate for boruto as I have only seen parts, Though suffice to say it, im uninterested and have no plans on watching it either. To me the show ended after the infinite tsukiyomi, despite all of the growth that our favorite characters go through thats just something to powerful to not succumb to. The type of storyline created afterwards is very pleasing to the fanbase, to pleasing. It is literally everything a happy ending should be, atleast until borutos characters are revealed. But that is just it boruto is strange in that way, its world is oddly familiar yet completely ignorant of the fact that the ninja world is a world stricken with the turmoil from conflicting interests. It is the same world, nothing has changed, everyone is a bit friendlier but they will eventually be put at odds friends or not. As for the actual events of the infinite tsukuyomi, it happened, it cannot be undone, any remaining and logical enemies were already handled, rinnegan captured, byakugan eliminated, they literally ignored the byakugans power the entire series, the only thing stronger than sharingan, then captured the strongest doujutsu of them all. and then spliced the ultimate, pain and blood soaked path of the sharingan, with the deadly, strange, and self sacrificing, disease of a doujutsu. The Byakugan received no growth and all of its strong users killed making it virtually ineffective. Byakugan remains un weaponized throughout the entirety of the war. Despite all the hindered plans, the knowledge gained, and prophecy discovered. They just abandoned it entirely. Now that being said, its not that the characters didn't grow or finally get that reciprocation they needed but it ends once its tsukuyomi is activated, everything else is a delusion within a delusion only getting close enough to the lives they used to live, as they get closer to their bodies death, which my assumption would be by starvation. And possibly even turning them into another form of zetsu at best...or worst? The ninjas could never live in a world without chakra or violence, it is simply to alien. So they are given lives, just close enough, without any of the effects on the actual world to make them feel at ease. Boruto and his life are just the makings of someones fantasy, whose? Hinatas? Sakuras? Who knows. But it can't be someone who knows of Narutos Bloodlines. He is related to everyone down the line, the uzumakis being a precursor to many of the strongest bloodlines and kekkai genkai wielding users. None of his children remotely resemble their ancestors and are almost carbon copy naruto 2 and hinata 2. They completely forgoe all of narutos natural blood rites. And their possibilities. As the rest of the students formed of the relationships are also in some ways a means to an end. While sakura and sasuke end up together sasuke is always away because neither of the two will ever know him that well. Hinata never really did, and sakura also really has no idea who he is. Only Naruto, Orochimaru, juugo, karin, suigetsu, and kabuto know who he is. He has virtually no personality at all going forward. Liking sakura fine, marrying and having a kid with her? The fanbase raped his entire character. The person whose memory is being conceived can only be someone who knows basic information about him and his demeanor. Aside from me getting away from my point and poking holes in boruto, its probably not a bad series. But I also don't believe that naruto had to continue. How the prophecy was told, how it was stretched all the way to the end, how at every juncture it continued unimpeded, how it reached the absolute maxim of its potential. Only to be broken in a few moments? Not even in the same decade, at the minimum. A century in the making and not for a century less is all i can say. Try going to sleep for 2 minutes. Tell me how much time passes afterwards. Anyways thats the block limit. And hopefully i can let my piece rest. Feel free to take yours.

[whatsnewalycat]

Hey I rewatched the movie Eighth Grade this weekend and I want to process my feelings. Totally understand if not one human reads this fucking novella, I just gotta organize my thoughts, and I’m putting them here in case it resonates with anyone. Below the cut because L O N G.

(tldr: this movie is fucking brilliant, a masterfully told coming-of-age story. I mean that. And you should watch it)

First of all, I love how awkward Kayla is.

Elsie Fisher fucking murdered it in this role. It’s palpable how uncomfortable Kayla is in her own skin. The way she carries herself, and projects her online persona, and acts in real life, it’s painful how those things merge and give us a picture of who she is really and who she desperately wants to be. It’s deeply, deeply relatable. The entire movie, but especially the first half, I couldn’t stop squirming in my seat, because I remember feeling exactly like that at that age.

The videos Kayla posts with her tips. Ok. It’s fucking brilliant how Bo Burnham (writer and director) spliced those videos with what she’s really going through. It’s obvious she has no idea what she’s talking about, because she’s just rambling on and really saying nothing at all. And it’s so uncomfortable to sit through. She’s making these videos as a way to inspire herself to be a person she thinks is worthy of connection. It’s establishing authority and “big voice narration” spun on its head and I love it so so so much.

Now the aspect of technology and social media. The first quarter of the movie we see that she is constantly on her phone. She’s scrolling Instagram and liking everything her school mates post, commenting on their pictures, etc. Again, she’s projecting this online persona that is outgoing and cheerful and cool. But we see that none of these people actually acknowledge her presence IRL.

When her phone screen shatters, then she cuts her scrolling thumb on the screen, it’s a turning point in the storyline. Her old way of doing things, only reaching out for human connection through the safety of her online persona, has literally made her bleed. It’s not necessarily a catalyst as much as it is a symbol, but she’s on her phone less from this point onward.

Another thing that happens around this time in the storyline: she gets her Time Capsule. It has “the coolest girl in the world” adorned on the lid, and she knows the video she has on the usb drive inside is her going into 6th grade with the hopes and dreams of becoming cool and making friends. She understands that she’s exactly the same as when she entered middle school, and her way of attempting to make connections has failed.

So she goes forward knowing she has to do the scariest thing: put herself out there. Try to talk to people in real life. She goes to Kennedy’s pool party, even though it gives her a literal panic attack, and the guy she has a crush on acknowledges her existence for the first time ever. And it is exactly the encouragement/reinforcement she needed to show her that this is good. It propels her forward instead of backwards into the safety of her shell.

For her, this is life-changing. She thinks this is a new beginning where these cool people are going to let her into their club and she will have friends. But when Kayla talks to Kennedy the next school day, and gives her a note to thank her for inviting her to the party, Kennedy and Steph are engulfed in their phones and barely acknowledge Kayla’s presence. She’s still fucking invisible to them.

Quick sidebar: the birthday gift Kayla gives Kennedy is a card game that obviously is one she has played with her dad. The cold reaction that Kennedy gives to the gift reinforces Kayla’s belief that the things she genuinely enjoys are not cool. That she is this weird girl (as she puts it in her vlog) and not worthy of belonging.

Another quick sidebar: the fucking school shooting drill, holy fuck. How desensitized all these literal children are to the threat of a mass shooting. WOOF. Again, bravo, Bo Burnham.

Then there’s the high school shadow. We meet Olivia, who is 1) to Kayla, obviously cool, and 2) to me, obviously the kind of person who has a history of intense short-term relationships. The way she so brazenly tells Kayla that she feels like they’re best friends, it’s fucking telling. I had a friend like this in middle/high school. It’s very Evie Zamora in Thirteen. It’s not real. And we know this, but Kayla doesn’t. She wants a best friend so fucking bad. It’s literally on her to-do list, and she (understandably) mistakes Olivia’s faux connection as real.

She hangs out with Olivia and her friends at the mall. She feels like she’s finally cool. But there’s Gabe who tells her “I’m not quiet, you’re quiet” and that’s like… a major tender spot for Kayla. Anyway, Olivia, who should have been a protector for Kayla, leaves her ward in an unsafe situation with Riley, and that’s really shitty of her.

Fucking Riley. He preys on Kayla’s naïvety. He knows that she wants to be cool, especially cool in the eyes of Olivia, and tries to take advantage of that. And here’s the part where I’m going to start crying. Because our girl Kayla says no. She goes against her desire to be cool and vehemently, LOUDLY, insists NO. And, in her skewed understanding, thinks that her saying no was cowardly. But it wasn’t. It was so fucking brave. She listened to her inner knowing and stood up for it, even though it meant potentially giving up the things she wanted the most: being cool and having a best friend.

When she and her dad burn the Time Capsule, she’s burning her dream of being the coolest girl in the world. Being (what she has learned to be) cool isn’t what she thought it would be. She thought it would mean connection and belonging, but time and time again throughout this story, it has only meant she has to compromise her values and her true self.

Ok now let’s talk about Kayla and her dad. Her dad loves her so much. Throughout the story that he’s trying to coax her out of her shell and be herself, but Kayla ignores his advice. But when they’re burning the Time Capsule, she opens up to him. Instead of pushing him away, we see her express her inner pain out loud. This is the first time in the story she allows her real self to be seen. It’s vulnerable, and again, so fucking brave.

And her dad… fuck. He says the most perfect things. He tells her his truth, which is that she’s fucking wrong, and she is cool. It’s just that her previous definition of cool was skewed.

We find out that Kayla’s mom abandoned her as a child. And although her dad tried his hardest, there was always going to be a part of her that thinks her true self is defective and not worthy of connection, love, and belonging. But that’s not true. And her dad helps her see that.

From that point, we see her live her goddamn truth. She’s still awkward and quiet, but that’s not a fault, it’s just part of who she is. She hangs out with Gabe, who is kind of a dork and not obsessed with trying to be cool, and it’s SO FUCKING CUTE I LOVE IT. At graduation, Kayla confronts Kennedy about how shitty she made her feel. It’s amazing.

By the end, she’s transformed into someone who understands that true connection comes from your true self, and anything short of that is unfulfilling.

Anyway. Idk if it’s because I deeply identify with Kayla on so many levels (i had an Olivia, and a Riley, and a mother who abandoned me as a baby, and a single father who raised me, and was just so fucking awkward and lonely throughout childhood), but it’s my favorite goddamn coming-of-age tale, ever. A masterpiece. Please watch lol.

[lunarlegend]

Hope you don't mind more questions about Stella! The more I learn about her through your blog, the more endearing she becomes :) In Stella's backstory, Ardyn kills her mom and sets their house on fire. Did he have any particular motive to do that? How did he know Stella was his descendent? Did he ever learn of the existence of Stella and Ignis's child? Lastly, did Stella ever tell the boys, or at least Ignis, about what Ardyn did to her mom, or was it too painful for her to talk about?

i don't mind at all! i'm glad you've taken such an interest in her, she's my baby. 😊💜

in my AU, Ardyn's descendants are a line of healers using powers similar to what Ardyn had when he was originally alive, and they access their magic by channeling the Crystal. except, since Ardyn was rejected by the gods, none of his descendants can use their powers without the blessing of the current King.

over the centuries, this caused a bond to form between the two sides of the continuing Lucis Caelum bloodlines, but Ardyn's bloodline no longer shared the last name.

Stella's mom Salvia was a prominent Lucian healer and had been good friends with Regis for a long time. despite being unaware of their actual blood relation through their ancestry, the two had a sibling-like relationship, and that's how Noctis & Stella grew up being told they were cousins.

Salvia was well-known in the region not only for her healing abilities, but also for her charisma and upbeat personality. as the years went on, and the situation between Lucis and Niflheim grew more tense, Salvia became more outspoken in her defense of her homeland and used her favor with the public as sort of a platform to speak out against the Empire. this put a target on her back, but nothing happened until Ardyn noticed who she was.

back up and wandering Eos again after 2,000 years, Ardyn obviously had questions about this mysterious line of healers who worked so closely with the Lucian Kings. once he figured out where they came from, it disgusted him to see his own descendants supporting the Lucis Caelums as they were. he decided to fix the "problem" by murdering Salvia, because he considered it justice and knew it would be taken as a political attack, keeping him anonymous.

he didn't expect Stella to get home from school before he left the house. her grief over her mother only angered him more, so without ever making himself known to Stella, he simply dropped a fireball to the floor and left. Stella should have died, but after trying unsuccessfully to drag her mother's body from the burning house, she luckily had the clarity to run and find a window so she could jump outside to safety.

after Salvia's death and Stella's temporary disappearance, there was a media frenzy. the murder was assumed to be a political attack; retaliation from the Empire, just as Ardyn had predicted. but no one knew that Salvia didn't die in the fire, only Stella saw that she'd been stabbed already. that fact haunts Stella to her core; not only that she had to find her mother's corpse, but the reality of knowing that whoever set the fire did it so they could kill her, too.

Stella keeps the truth to herself for a long time. she eventually tells Ignis about it before the journey while they're still living in Insomnia, but is adamant that no one else needs to know because she doesn't think anyone would believe her. her only focus at that point is figuring out who did it so she can get her revenge.

skipping far into the future, Stella doesn't give birth to Lucina until after the Dawn, thankfully, so Ardyn is already gone by then. her pregnancy is the reason Noctis insisted she didn't come with them into the Citadel for the final battles. had she gone in, Ardyn was planning to kill her when they reached the throne room (and he had Salvia's body strung up with the others, in place of Aldercapt in my AU). he sent a Red Giant after Stella outside instead, but she was able to fight it off thanks to Nyx's spirit, which rose up to help her.

the fact that Stella, another member of the Lucis Caelum bloodline, was still alive, is what prevented the prophecy from coming true and allowed Noctis to survive the Dawn. in canon, Noctis and Ardyn cancel each other out at the end, but in my AU only Ardyn is laid to rest. the bloodline is able to continue without the weight of the Crystal or the interference from the gods, and Noctis & Stella get to live in harmony in the rebuilt city with all the people they love, the way Somnus & Ardyn should have.

[inazuma-fulgur]

In pain whenever someone insists that being naked around children, like in general, is bad

No cloths = pedo (this here is slightly exaggerated but some people actually say that. With words.)

Because nakes = sexual and sexual = bad and impure and children = pure and innocent and without agency

Waiting for the day where changing your childs diaper also becomes sexual and pedo unless *insert arbitrary metric*. If I had to imagine it'd probably be more terf shit, a la all men are horny monsters or only parents of the same SEX as the child should be allowed to.

I will nopt discuss further complications around childbirth because none of this makes sense anyway

I find it especially jarring when other queer people make arguments like that.

Like, y'all can't look at other people and be normal about it. It's not weird to be naked, you are weird for being unable to confront nudity without having secondary thoughts about it. You are the one uncomfortable with it so no one else is allowed to be comfortable with it?

Thinking about FKK (something I don't even know an english term for. Mom told me she and her parents often went to fkk places, because older people still found nudity more normal than we do I'd guess. Maybe they were an outlier but I can't shake the feeling that the younger people get the weirder and less tolerant they get of nudity and other peoples bodies.)

Every year when there's kink at pride discourse I can't help but think about how I wouldn't give two shits about people fucking in public, like it wouldn't be any more annoying that people blasting music and being loud, that's it. It definitely wouldn't smell as bad as some other stuff, like fireworks for example.

I also can't help but think about one of my friends from school who very amused told an anecdote where she went into her parents room while they were having sex when she was a little kid. Shocker, nothing happened to her. Plain seeing sex doesn't hurt, unless you already have been traumatized or smth. Also most of these super weird puritanical ideas only work under the assumption that children have the very same understanding of everything us adults do. Which they don't. How could they, they're learning everything about the world still. Explain it to them so that they can keep themselves safe, you'll have to do it regardless some day.

Go listen to what they're curious about, teach them at the pace they want, answer what they ask.

Because even if I say they don't have the same understanding of things us adults do, that doesn't mean children aren't smart and capable of understanding the bigger world, expanding their horizon.

People like that, in my opinion, just hate children.

Want to control them. Mold them into copies of themselves, perfect what they feel isn't perfect about themselves.

That's not how you treat another person, give kids agency and let them explore stuff. Let children be curious and nosy.

Teach them about consent, because consent isn't just sexual.

Teach them general things that are useful and good.

Teach them about their bodies and signs to look out for, built trust so that when they hit puberty and their needs and experiences change they will talk to you, ask and share what they feel and see. And then expand their horizons more

Please never raise children with preset ideas of how a well raised child has to turn out, with ideas of a fixed process with a fixed result, where certain things are off limits and shouldn't be allowed because they could lead to people growing up who don't fit your personal ideal(s).

Diversity of thought does not mean "diversity until I can't personally understand/relate anymore, beyond that it's evil". The only evil thing is you limiting the beauty and vastness of humanity

Children won't ever fit into your preconceived notions and that's a good thing, we're constantly learning and ideas are changing, and I'm not blaming you for growing older and having bigger more pressing worries and growing out of touch a bit, just don't denie others because of that.

The only way for children around you to be exactly like you is for them to grow up under the exact same conditions as you. But the world around you is changing constantly, even if you feel like YOU are a constant I assure you, you aren't.

Not even siblings or even even twins have that work out for them. Everyone makes different experiences, spends their time differently, cares about different shit. For better and for worse.

Embrace the potential for the worse, because it will lead to the better future you dream of.

If bad ideas are off limits and can't be talked about those ideas can't be challenged.

And if new ideas can't be brought forth nothing better can come into existence.

Yes new ideas will be not just good, there are bad ones. But that's why we discuss and make an effort, that's why we try things to see whether they work or fail.

We can't create the perfect world through logic in our heads and then execute it. Because humans aren't rational, logic is kinda fake even if it isn't, embrace that. Failure is human, failure leads to growth.

Many good things came from experimentation and theory but also from testing and trial and error, brute forcing stuff. Taking what works and optimizing it. Taking what didn't work and tweaking it slightly or taking notes on what has to be avoided in the future.

I love humans, I am human

I wish we would all stop dehumanizing each other constantly

[lasatfat]

In the Oak, I Found the Arrow

read on AO3 | for @samseabxrn

The Herald had returned from his first visit to Redcliffe with an entire entourage in tow. The Grey Warden, Blackwall, was expected – Leliana had asked Lavellan to seek him out, after all – but Gideon had also collected a childhood friend from his clan, with an accompanying wolf-dog, a tranquil alchemist, a smuggler in a Chantry sister’s robe, and the first born son of an obscure Fereldan house retrieved from some cult in the hills.

Then, there are the Adaar siblings. Four of them, none related by blood. The two sons are mages. The eldest, Farid, was rescued from the Qun before his mouth was stitched shut, his arms bound with chains, and his face forever masked. The younger son was not so fortunate; Basvaarad’s mouth is encircled by pinprick scars. He rarely speaks, but the elder daughter, Nanna, never speaks at all. Judging from her stature, she must have dwarven blood, though of course, she never says. Torunn is the youngest of them, red-headed and slender, and often trailed by an orange-and-white cat she called Purrlock.

Cullen hadn’t thought much about her, at first, beyond what she brought to the Inquisition. She was a skilled archer, and an equally capable midwife, and she had the accompanying confidence of one who knew her talents. Even better, she was a good teacher. She would often join him on the training ground, talking aspiring archers through corrections to their form or technique. Other days would be spent in the infirmary – there were no babies to be delivered, which was probably for the best, but there were plenty of minor injuries to be treated.

On her fourth day in Haven, she approached him once again, but not to offer help training the recruits. They stood side-by-side, looking out over the frozen lake. “You’re in pain,” she said. It was a statement, not a question. When Cullen looked confused, she rolled her eyes, but chuckled. “Come on, commander. I’m a midwife; pain is my bread and butter.” She paused. “Well, and the parents. And the babies. Oh, you know what I mean. Are you hurt?”

“No. It’s…an ongoing condition,” he replied. It wasn’t technically a lie.

“Is it the lyrium withdrawal?”

She might as well have punched him in the face. Cassandra and Leliana were the only others aware of his situation, and they wouldn’t have told anyone, least of all a stranger. He must have given himself away, somehow, and if Torunn had worked it out, who else?

“How did you…?”

“Are you joking me? That stuff stinks,” she replied. She twirled her hand in the air, as if conjuring up the right comparison. “You know when you leave old metal out in the sun, and it gets hot?”

He knew it well enough, and he nodded.

“Anyway, you just smell like oakmoss and elderflower,” she continued. “I’d know it a mile off. All the rookies get archer’s elbow.”

“Have you told anyone else?” he asked.

“Nah. None of my business,” she answered, genially. “My lot might figure it out, but they won’t say anything about it. Nanna doesn’t say anything anyway.” She turned to him properly, fixed him with a sober look. “Seriously, though, can I do anything to help?”

“I just have a headache,” he said, in a tone he hoped was reassuring. “I can endure it.”

“Sure you can, but you don’t have to,” she countered. She then launched into a long list of pain remedies, some of which he knew, some he’d never heard of.

The more he worked with her, the more he saw of the open heart she carried through everything she did. She laughed loud and often, but never unkindly. She was lewd at times, but not aggressively so. The same strength that forced a sparring partner to the ground would pull them back to their feet with a clap on the shoulder and a “good one. Go again another day?” The hands that pulled back a bowstring or threw a knife with such deadly accuracy would clean and bandage a fletching cut with the utmost gentleness.

It wasn’t until the fall of Haven that Cullen realised how he’d fallen.

They were dying. Everyone in Haven could see the writing on the wall. The Red Templars were too many, even without the dragon (Archdemon?) this “Elder One” had at his command. Torunn was nothing if not strong-willed. He expected her to make for the front lines, to spend her last hours, minutes, seconds battling the army that end her so prematurely, holding them to account. A life ending in violent defiance.

She didn’t do that. Instead, she gathered the Tranquil. She and her siblings escorted them to the Chantry, guarding them as a knight may guard their lord. She bandaged wounds as best she could, kept people on their feet, and carried Chancellor Roderick when he grew too weak to stand, even with help. When the Herald was missing in the mountains, the Adaars searched longer and further than any of their other parties. She defied death in her own way. She denied the enemy her despair.

They staggered back into camp long after the Herald had been found, and hymns had been sung, and hope had been built anew. Cullen brought her food. It felt like too small a gesture, a bowl of stew and a chunk of bread, but from her reaction, you’d have thought the wooden plate was loaded with spice cake and strawberries.

“Oh, now you’re talking!” she said, heartily, but she hesitated. “Is anyone else hungry?”

There was no doubt many were, but their supplies had to last. “Everyone else has eaten,” he decided on. She understood, and cleared her plate.

He decided, he would tell her, once they were safe. The Herald was leading them somewhere. As soon as they reached their destination, as soon as they no longer had the burden of survival, Cullen would lay open his own heart, and let her take it as she will.

x x x

Of course, as the saying goes, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

To say the first week in Skyhold is hectic would be a grave understatement. The guard rotations are quickly established, but urgent repairs must be conducted, supply lines established, accommodation assigned. Cullen works from before dawn to well after the sun has set and the moons have risen, and he has little doubt that his colleagues are doing the same. He can barely find the time to eat and sleep, let alone seek out a specific person for a conversation, however desperate he is to talk to them.

With all those injured and sickened on the journey to Skyhold, he imagines Torunn is working flat-out as well. In the end, however, she finds him first. She strolls into his office one afternoon as if she, not Gideon Lavellan, had just been named Inquisitor. She smiles at him, warmly, and Cullen tries to ignore the riot of butterflies in his stomach. He hadn’t realised just how much he’d missed seeing her almost every day.

“O, Commander, my commander,” she greets him, jovially. “Long time no see.”

“Quite,” he agrees. “Are you well?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Busy,” she replies. “How about you?”

The stress of the attack on Haven and the journey to Skyhold weigh heavy on his mind, though not so heavy as the guilt of so many lives lost. Logically, he knows that he made the best decisions he could at the time, but that knowledge does little to curb the self-blame. Or, indeed, the anger. He doesn’t want to worry her, however, so he replies, “well enough.”

She looks at him like she knows he’s holding back, but doesn’t press the issue. “I brought you something,” she says, instead.

“Oh?”

Torunn pulls a small glass vial from a pouch on her belt. Inside it is a liquid slightly more viscous than water, clear and tinged yellow-green. Cullen takes it, carefully, turns it over in his fingers.

“What is it?” he asks.

“Peppermint oil,” she says. “It always helps me when I have a headache. Don’t get it on your face, though. I learned that one the hard way. It makes your eyes sting like fuck.”

Sure enough, he recognises the smell when he uncorks the vial. Some of the few good memories he has of Kinloch Hold are of watching over the herbalists as they went about their work (one particular herbalist more than others, if he’s honest with himself). The cooking fires warmed the normally chilly tower, and filled it with the heady perfume of hundreds of plants chopped and boiled. They had been using peppermint leaves for potions, but whatever was left of it went into tea or sweet cakes. As much as it shames him to think of it now, he always secretly hoped that at least some of the mint in his food had been prepared by Eireann Surana.

All this to say, he knows it’s edible, but not much else.

“Do I drink it?” he asks.

Torunn snorts. “Only if you feel like blowing your breakfast across the room,” she says. The smile quickly fades, however, replaced with mild concern. “You’ve got a headache right now?”

“Yes.” Since he stopped taking lyrium, he has had one more often than not.

She holds out her hand, gestures with the outstretched fingers. “Give it here and I’ll show you.”

He obediently hands it back to her. She pours a couple of drops into her palm, and sets the vial down with her free hand. He watches her gather it on her fingertips.

“Here, look at me.”

She bends slightly, and then she’s looking directly into his face, eyes the colour of amber. Maker, she is so close. He could count the freckles on her nose, if he had a mind to. As it is, Cullen is preoccupied with keeping his breathing steady, as her gentle fingers trace circles against his temples. Her hands span the entire length of his head. Her touch burns and cools at the same time. It’s no magic – he can’t sense all of it now, but against his skin, he would know. He can’t decide if it’s the oil, or if it’s just her, the effect she has on him.

“Better?” she asks.

“Much.”

He acts before he can think better of it. A mistake. He leans forward, but meets empty air. Opening his eyes again, he finds that she has stepped back, hands pulled in against her chest.

“Wh…?” She laughs, nervously. “What are we doing here?”

Cullen’s stomach clenches like a fist. The rejection barely registers in the moment, overshadowed by the realisation that his advances are not only unwanted, but apparently frightening. It’s a fear he is intimately familiar with. Andraste preserve him, he has inflicted it on somebody else.

“Forgive me,” he blurts, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I never meant…”

“You tried to kiss me.”

All he can really say to that is, “yes.”

“You want to kiss me.”

Only, the closer he looks at her, the clearer it becomes that she isn’t frightened. Her expression is guarded, yes, but underneath it is not fear, or even anger, but doubt.

“Is that so hard to believe?” he asks.

“For me, yeah.”

Cullen’s first assumption is that he misjudged her. The questions about his life, the stories of her own, the feigned interest in his aspirations for the Inquisition…they’d been friendly gestures, not attempts at courtship. But, there was always an edge to it. He thinks of a lop-sided smile as they looked out over the training ground, the emerald light of the Breach glittering on the bone of her broken horns. Tawny eyes meeting his, with a wink or a raised brow. When they discussed the vows he took as a Templar, she’d given him a wicked grin and asked if they included a vow of celibacy. It went beyond camaraderie. He is sure of it.

“You’ve made advances before,” he says, eventually.

Torunn’s mouth falls open. She looks up, left, right, as if the right words are flying around her head and she’s trying to read them for guidance, though her mouth only forms the shape of the word ‘what.’ “I never thought you’d take that seriously!” she protests, finally.

It was nothing but a joke. She’d been toying with him all along. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, he knows her enough to realise that, but he can’t hide the bitter note in his voice when he speaks again.

“I take it this means you don’t want to…”

“No!” she blurts. “No, it’s not that. It’s just…look at me.”

She falls quiet. Folds her arms. Though she has asked him to look at her, she cannot meet his eye, instead fixating on one corner of his desk with a scowl. Something shifts into place. An understanding. He had misjudged her, but not in the way he thought. She moves through a battlefield or an infirmary with such easy confidence, enough to put everyone else at ease too. He had assumed that her certainty would extend to every facet of her life. He could not have imagined she would consider herself unworthy of anything, least of all a simple kiss. She has defied his expectations yet again.

Torunn clears her throat, jolting him out of that particular thought. “I’m sorry. I’ve made a right pig’s ear of this.” She shakes her head, and looks back at him, with a guarded half-smile. “Let’s start again. Hello, I’m Torunn Adaar. I hear you want to…kiss me.”

The way she hesitates on the word, it’s clear that she still doesn’t quite believe him.

He must prove it to her, then.

Cullen steps closer to her, turns his face up. He could stand on tiptoe and barely reach her chin, not that the weight of his armour would allow for it. “I have often wondered what it would be like,” he admits.

Torunn half-shrugs. “Only one way to find out, I suppose,” she says.

She leans down to meet him, her eyes drifting shut. He closes his own, but again, nothing but empty air.

“If you’re having me on, I’m…”

Cullen takes her face in his hands, and closes the gap between them.

She tenses, makes a muffled sound of surprise against his mouth. His eyes are shut, but he suspects hers are open, wide and stunned. Sure enough, when he parts from her, hands shifting to her shoulders, Torunn is looking over every part of his face. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then she smiles. Not a smirk of amusement, or a devilish grin. Not the reassuring smile of a healer comforting a patient. A real, exultant smile, which lights up her entire face, and easily spreads onto his own.

“You weren’t kidding,” she says.

He brushes his fingers along her jaw. “Of course not.”

Torunn laughs, once, and looks at him as if he’s lost his mind. Her hands rest on his face, gentle as a whisper, and she kisses him. He can savour it now, the taste of her, the scrape of her stubble, the curve of her nose pressing against his cheek. Breath hot and lips impossibly soft. He presses back, just slightly, just enough, and he feels her smile.

Torunn pulls away first. Instantly, absurdly, Cullen misses her.

“That was…” he begins, but as he opens his eyes, he finds hers are wet and reddening. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Just the peppermint on your head is making my eyes hurt.” She squeezes them shut, even as she bursts out laughing.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be daft,” she retorts, playfully shoving his shoulder. “It was worth it.”

It was worth it.

“Anyway, I’ve gotta go. I need to go wash my hands, and my face. In that order,” she chuckles. She opens the door, but stops, face turned halfway towards him. “We could do that again some time.”

Cullen smiles. “If you would like.”

Torunn grins back. Her eyes linger on him as she leaves the room, gaze only broken when she closes the door behind her.

Thirty-seven, he muses. There are thirty-seven freckles on her nose.

[phillipthesims]

Gen One: Chapter 10

Lily was getting Tula ready for bed when the discomfort of early labor set in... while Lupin wasn't here. He was at work, as he often was nowadays.

She tried to hide her discomfort from Tula, hoping she could hold out until Lupin got home to drive her to the hospital. She paused to breathe through the pain a lot while reading her daughter a bedtime story. Tula even as a small, sleepy toddler asked her mommy if she was okay.

Lily smiled, barely, and kissed her child's forehead. "I will be, it's just the baby.... You'll get to meet the baby soon." Tula smiled brightly at the mention of the baby in her mommy's belly. Lily told her that eventually the baby would be big enough to play with Tula. Her toddler would proceed to say that she and the baby would be the best of friends!

Lily said goodnight to her Tula. She waited, alone, for hours in pain for Lupin to come home. The contractions grew closer and more painful to the point even a warm bath did nothing to ease her pain. Tears streamed down her face as she sat on the couch, was he ever coming back? Would she have to do this alone... at home?

No... no, no, she had to get to a hospital, and soon. Now. She knew none of her neighbors as the few times they came to the door, Lupin answered, but she hoped one of them could help her.

Waking up Tula, she told the little one they were going to go on a night walk. Lily didn't want to leave her child alone, even if she was just sleeping. Tula rubbed her bright pink eyes of sleep and followed her mother out of the house.

Both walked slowly, but for different reasons. Lilly knocked on the front door of one of their neighbors... oh- she didn't think about most people being asleep.... The chilled air bit at them as Tula huddled closer, wrapping her small arms around Lily's leg.

"Do you know what time- Oh, Dolores! One moment ma'am." A man answered the door right as another contraction came. He ran back into the house, Tula heard him talking to someone else but her mother was in too much pain to notice. When he came back, he had shoes and a set of car keys. Helping her to his car, even buckling the toddler into his own toddler's car seat.

The ride was anything but quiet as Lily cried through the pain. The neighbor man tried to reassure her, and Tula, for once, was silent as she watched. Her mommy was in so much pain....

Upon getting to the hospital, the man helped get them both into the building where Lily was rushed into a room. Many nurses questioned him on his relations to her and the toddler, to which he explained all he knew. Admittedly it wasn't much.

"Is my mommy going to be okay?" Tula asked the many adults around her. Many tried to reassure the toddler and distract her. Asking her about her life, to which Tula talked about all her toys and the stories her mommy reads to her.

She talked about her mommy and daddy too, how daddy was at something called a job. "He always leaves at night for his job." She showed off the boots she wore over her pajamas and her words started to trail off as she yawned.

One of the nurses brought her over to the children's play area and while she tried to play for a few minutes, sleep won and the little girl curled up her small body onto a small chair. Falling asleep in a few moments.

Meanwhile, Lily's labor progressed quickly. The doctor said she got here right on time. As she was already almost fully dilated when she was first checked.

Soon she was ready to begin pushing... Lupin wouldn't be there with her in the delivery room. A thought she had mixed feelings on, but now was not the moment to dwell nor sort those feelings out.

She had to focus on pushing, on giving birth to her baby. She had to get through this for Tula and the baby. Lupin was not her concern, not right now.

Lily gave birth to another baby girl, who's skin had a pink tint to it. She named this little girl: Lola to match well with Tula's name.

When she got to go home with Lola and Tula, Lupin was home, but said noticeably nothing. He didn't even look at the scrawny baby in her arms. Lily did not have a good feeling... but focused on her new baby. Little Lola.

[whiskeyworen]

Thinking about stuff.

Not related to gaming or anything. Personal stuff. Back when I was in highschool, I was friend with a dude. Let's call him Dave, for sake of privacy (not that it matters). Dave had a girlfriend. Let's call her Claire. None of these names are the real names, of course. So for a few years, Dave and Claire kept setting me up with Claire's friends. None of them went very well because I just couldn't connect with them. Some of them just plain didn't like me, but went on dates out of obligation to Claire or Dave. Kinda shitty, right? Eventually, me and one of them hit it off for a few months. It was nice. But then I found out she cheated on me. It's understandable; we were both teenagers, looking for experiences. I wasn't the most exciting guy, either. So after me and that girl broke up, I kinda dropped out of the social circle for a bit. It didn't feel right to do things with Dave and Claire when I was the third wheel hanging around. Spare them the fact there was a 'spare' wheel, if you pardon the pun. Thing is, there was one night where Claire called me up. Told me she wanted to go out with me. That she'd always wanted to. She'd seen how badly I'd been treated by her friends, and how much of a good guy I was about it all (her words, I still remember). And how she actually really did like me, to the point she wanted to break up with Dave. I was in a bad place back then. I'd just been cheated on, and it still hurt. I was listening to a friend's SO wanting to break up with them so they could date me. And if I did so, it'd probably destroy my friendship with Dave completely. I refused her. I turned her down. Partly because I didn't want to see their relationship fall apart. Partly because I didn't wanna see my friendship fall apart. Partly because I couldn't process my emotions yet enough to let anyone in again. And partly because I couldn't understand why she would want me. I never heard from her again after that. She did break up with Dave, shortly after. And much to my chagrin, my friendship with Dave fell apart the next year, when he started hanging around with some bad guys. They were using him for school marks, and he thought they were friends. I couldn't be part of that. If I'd known I'd have stopped being friends with Dave mere months later... if I wasn't so badly hurting at that point... I would have taken Claire up on that offer. I think back on it a lot now. And wonder. Would we have been together for a while? A long time? Would she have been 'the one'? I hurt her feelings by denying her, and that still pains me. Where is she now? Is she happy? Did she find someone worth it? Does she ever think back to that time and remember me? Does she remember me at all? I still think about the fact that, back then, I might have entirely blown my one chance... in favor of the future I have right now. Several relationships down the road, many friends lost, and still alone. All because I was still hurting and couldn't accept that someone else might have wanted me. It comes to me every now and then, and it gnaws at me for a while. Thanks for reading this far.

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Chloe

Nancy: Hey girl, it’s been a minute

Nancy: and I know you think that I don’t care about you and that I’m a totally terrible friend and okay, valid, I’ve not always been there for you like I should day-to-day but you KNOW I have your back when and where it REALLY counts…

Nancy: like now, for instance

Chloe: What are you talking about? I thought you were at Teddy’s party rn

Nancy: How mortifying! 😳

Nancy: Caught babysitting [a girl who is younger than y’all, it’s giving Grace but it’s not Grace lol], she didn’t want to face it alone

Nancy: but we need to talk about something I’ve found out

Chloe: So why are you leading with [this girl], who even is that?

Nancy: I’m just not having it out there I’m freely at a 16th

Nancy: but she’s irrelevant, it’s about my 16-year-old sister

Chloe: She’s as irrelevant to me

Nancy: Sadly not

Nancy: and look, I get it, why you didn’t come to me, that’s your man and your instinct was to protect him

Chloe: Your sister is nothing to do with me

Nancy: It’s true then?

Nancy: I mean, I thought it had to be a line, him telling her it was over between you and he’s going to be with her

Chloe: These riddles are sailing over my head, I don’t know what you could possibly mean by any of this

Nancy: You don’t have to pretend for him

Nancy: indiscretions are one thing but a child?

Nancy: He can’t possibly expect you to stand by him and defend this

Chloe: Let’s not pretend she looks or acts like a child

Nancy: Okay, child is a stretch but still, when people want to talk they will reach for the most damning headline

Chloe: There’s nothing to talk about, she’s lying, whatever she’s saying

Nancy: I know how hurtful this is, I’ve been there before, I’m not as lucky as you but men I’ve really loved have done me like this all the same

Nancy: I PROMISE you, I have seen the evidence, she showed me

Chloe: Don’t insult me by trying to relate, we’re married, we have a child

Chloe: just tell me what evidence you’re claiming to have seen

Nancy: Come on, you know what this looks like

Nancy: the messages, the pictures, the gifts… she’s entirely besotted 

Chloe: I’m sure she is, James is a catch

Nancy: He seems to feel the same

Nancy: though I can’t quite believe he admitted it, perhaps he thought telling me it was serious would make it less… well, disgusting

Chloe: Wait, he told you that?

Nancy: [‘James: I’ve met someone I’m serious about

Nancy: When? You’ve literally been on holiday with your wife 

James: Prior to my holiday, but the details are hardly important, what matters in our context is that she is, to me

Nancy: Jesus’ screenshot]

Nancy: I saw him in person when I found out who that ‘someone’ was

Chloe: Since when have you been talking to my husband about his feelings?

Nancy: Since I had my suspicions 

Chloe: Suspicions you didn’t come to me with

Nancy: Because the last thing I want is to look like I’m stirring the pot, trying to cause trouble where there is none

Nancy: I wasn’t acting until I was sure that he was planning to screw you over, and I am, it’s time to protect yourself and your baby

Chloe: That’s usually exactly what you want, I’m not stupid

Nancy: This is serious, darling, there’s no game to be played here

Nancy: you know his father’s plan has always been to cut you out, should the opportunity ever present itself

Chloe: The opportunity hasn’t, he isn’t going to leave me, however serious he’s pretending his feelings are to you, to give you the brush off

Nancy: Have you got your ducks in a row, that is truly all I care about

Chloe: Of course I have

Nancy: Good

Nancy: then heartbreak and pain put aside, you will be accommodated for

Chloe: Your bitch sister’s slander aside

Nancy: She’s not where I’d focus my concern, when it comes to slander

Chloe: Let me guess, you’ve had hours of heart-to-hearts with James about this

Nancy: Hardly, we’re acquaintances at best these days

Nancy: his younger bitch brother is famously loose-lipped though, as I am reminded having to be here

Chloe: Everyone’s well aware he can’t be trusted

Nancy: But he does say the STRANGEST things for attention

Nancy: even having them repeated in jest would be mortifying for you

Chloe: Now he really is a child

Nancy: How do you cope having to see him on a regular basis?

Chloe: The same way the rest of the family does, with a well stocked bar

Nancy: 🥂

Nancy: I will give them that

Chloe: For all their other many faults

Nancy: The decor, for instance, yeesh

Chloe: Oh, I know, it’s vile!

Chloe: but they’ll be forced to re-decorate after Teddy’s finished having his tantrum

Nancy: I don’t hold out hope for stylish choices being made but 

Nancy: if they even get that far, these kids do not know how to party like we did

Chloe: He acts like he invented it, the entire concept of a party

Chloe: they’re a bunch of toddlers really

Nancy: Mhmm

Nancy: this is how you must feel around Matilda 🥱

Chloe: Though she’s FAR more advanced than Theodore

Nancy: Naturally, he is just a boy 

Chloe: Was she with her father when you met up?

Nancy: No, I think your parents had her, she had that awful cold

Chloe: Typical of him to be anywhere but taking care of her

Nancy: 🙄 Being a father is the part-time job to being a mother’s full-time

Chloe: Ugh, tell me about it

Nancy: No wonder he can find the time for a full-blown affair, that would just be impossible for you

Nancy: unless you carried one out with his father or something

Chloe: He deserves that, but I would never

Nancy: ❤️❤️❤️

Nancy: I’ve no doubt you’ll work out an appropriate punishment 

Chloe: I will

Nancy: If you need anything spread around to help your narrative, you know where to find me

Nancy: you know better than anyone it’s what I do best

Chloe: I knew you still hated your sister, Teddy is so full of it

Nancy: I can’t believe he’s been talking about me!

Nancy: well, I absolutely can but you know, what the hell

Chloe: He has such a blatant crush, he doesn’t ever shut up about you

Nancy: On YOU, are you serious

Nancy: it is so transparent

Chloe: That he’s a little freak

Nancy: Most definitely but at least he’s not hideous 

Chloe: No, true, that’s the sister

Nancy: It’s giving 🦗

Nancy: If I HAD to choose one to stare at me over Sunday dinner, it wouldn’t be her

Chloe: It wouldn’t be Teddy either, I’d refuse to play

Nancy: Obviously it would be Snr, he looks just like James plus years of refinement 

Nancy: but you don’t have to say

Chloe: My lips are tactfully sealed

Nancy: I got you 🙊

Nancy: You remember I had a thing with the mother’s brother, right

Chloe: He was one of your more worthwhile conquests at the time

Nancy: Rude!

Nancy: You know I’m not the marrying sort

Nancy: but I could’ve for that man 🥴

Chloe: It isn’t too late

Nancy: I heard he’s got a partner

Chloe: So? I don’t remember it mattering to you before

Nancy: I’m a changed woman 😘

Chloe: Really

Nancy: Aren’t you, Mrs Pemberton-Howard?

Chloe: We’re very different people

Nancy: Now that’s simply untrue

Chloe: Maybe, but we do live very different lives

Nancy: Now, yes

Nancy: but not always, some things never change

Chloe: Like your plans for the evening

Nancy: What are yours?

Chloe: I don’t know, you’ve upended them by coming at me with all of this

Nancy: I couldn’t not tell you this, that would feel wrong

Chloe: Nonsense, clearly you’re closer to James these days than you are to me

Nancy: You’re still mad at me over [whatever the last drama was]

Chloe: I couldn’t care less about [this drama, which is clearly a lie but okay]

Nancy: You never invite me to the things you do with the others from school

Chloe: As no 16 year olds are invited, why would you be interested?

Nancy: This isn’t your drafts

Chloe: You aren’t funny and this isn’t a laughing matter

Nancy: It’s really not, sweetie

Chloe: Stop making it about you or a petty falling out I don’t even recall the details of

Nancy: I’m not

Chloe: We’re not friends and it’s completely unimportant 

Nancy: If that’s how you feel

Nancy: I wish you luck with sorting this mess

Chloe: How else do you expect me to feel, grateful to you for bringing this to my attention?

Nancy: Of course not but that doesn’t make it my fault

Chloe: It’s your sister’s, perhaps if you were a better one she wouldn’t throw herself at other people’s men

Nancy: You’re an only child, with an only child, I don’t think you get it hun

Chloe: I get you’re a terrible role model

Chloe: if you actually cared you’d be talking to her

Nancy: You heard me say that I have

Chloe: Is she going to call things off with him or not?

Nancy: I could reason with her

Chloe: I doubt she’ll listen, I have no idea why I’m still entertaining you

Nancy: Because your alternative is praying he doesn’t leave

Chloe: James knows what’ll happen if he does

Nancy: Maybe he’s starting to care less

Chloe: He’ll care

Nancy: 🤞🤞

Chloe: You’ll offer him a shoulder to cry on once he’s childless again, naturally

Chloe: you’re as bad as your sister

Nancy: Childless, you’re going to take Tilly away?

Chloe: He isn’t a fit father to a child if he’s sleeping with one

Nancy: Quite

Chloe: I’ve given him a choice, he’s leaving me with none

Nancy: Like I said, you have to do what’s right for you

Chloe: Being a single mother isn’t right for anyone

Chloe: it’s trashy but so are they, what else can I do?

Nancy: You find a stepfather and you and James consciously uncouple, of course

Nancy: there’s no need for you to do it alone, nor reveal that this wasn’t a joint decision to separate 

Chloe: No man is going to want her, or me thanks to her

Nancy: Girl, be so serious

Chloe: I am! 

Chloe: James can’t be bothered to look after her and she’s his

Nancy: because he’s leading a double life

Nancy: when he isn’t, he’ll have the time

Nancy: and so will you to focus on your new man

Chloe: This is his life and where his focus should be, I won’t just get a new one that easily to replace the one he’s ruined, not like he can

Nancy: When has the boys having it easier than us ever been news? Nancy: We’ve always got through it and to the other side with grace

Chloe: Except I’m not graceful, my body will never be the same and he’s sacrificed nothing

Chloe: he gets to look even hotter to other women when he takes our daughter to the park or something, it’s outrageously unfair

Nancy: [send her some site that’s giving mum’s with EDs like here’s how to bounce back ladies and it’s just dubious af ‘advice’]

Nancy: That’s the world we live in, darling, we have to learn where to fit in and work it to our advantage 

Chloe: I heard you’re dating [her boring bf rn as if you’re in any position to throw shade ma’am]

Nancy: Old news, I fear

Chloe: Oh?

Nancy: 💔 There’s someone else in the works, fear not

Chloe: Some things never change, exactly like you said

Nancy: Why waste time when my soulmate could be the next guy?

Chloe: Don’t waste mine with talk of soulmates

Nancy: Don’t be depressing

Chloe: I am depressed, blame your slut of a sister

Nancy: It’s BEEN over, you have to start planning your next move, you should have started months if not years ago

Chloe: It has NOT, how dare you

Nancy: Oh, okay 

Nancy: your denial makes it less real

Chloe: Tilly is only [however old she is but in months because ick and we can], we haven’t been over

Nancy: Will she not be starting school in September?

Chloe: Which is why we’ve waited for another, obviously

Chloe: we’ll both have more time then

Nancy: Congratulations

Chloe: I’m not pregnant yet

Nancy: Still, if that’s the plan

Chloe: Well

Chloe: it isn’t now 

Nancy: He wouldn’t stay, for a new baby?

Chloe: He doesn’t deserve a second baby

Nancy: Probably not

Nancy: but what do YOU deserve?

Chloe: Not to be tortured, which pregnancy and childbirth is

Nancy: I don’t doubt that

Nancy: still, unconditional love has to be worth something

Chloe: No one would do it if it was all horrid

Nancy: Exactly, and you did it once and you were so much younger and less in the know then

Nancy: it wouldn’t be as bad, couldn’t

Chloe: Everyone wants a boy and a girl, it’s a lie to say otherwise

Nancy: Duh

Nancy: it makes everything even and perfect

Chloe: But you can’t guarantee that, ugh

Chloe: I so wanted her to be a boy to please his controlling parents

Nancy: Only through IVF and whatever the other options are called

Nancy: you could get a surrogate that way too, no childbirth

Chloe: He wouldn’t pay for that

Nancy: Do you not have access to funds yourself?

Nancy: make him think it was a natural occurrence 

Chloe: What funds? I can’t ask my parents

Nancy: He doesn’t give you housekeeping, or share the account details?

Chloe: Of course but it wouldn’t be enough, his parents are ridiculously unkind with what they give him

Nancy: Beastly!

Nancy: Still, he’ll be working full-time soon

Nancy: but perhaps we can find the funds before then

Chloe: I know! I can hardly starve my existing child to create another

Nancy: If they also thought there was another child, perhaps they’d free up the money quicker, more generously too…

Nancy: the dates can surely be fudged somewhat, cover yourself

Chloe: Where the dates are concerned, his parents are the least of my worries

Chloe: as I’m sure James or his gossipy brother has told you, the holiday was a total disaster and he’s been no less cruel to me since we got back home

Nancy: I can see how that would prove problematic, ever since he’s decided to saint himself with sobriety

Nancy: but, could his gossipy brother not be made use of, he’d have no qualms in slipping something to James, something you couldn’t be blamed for nor aware of… it’s that boy that’s entirely without morals, not you

Chloe: He’d hold such a thing over my head forever, my life wouldn’t be worth living

Nancy: Why, he doesn’t need to know, just convince Teddy it’s his own idea to do it just for fun and mention nothing of your personal life

Nancy: Easy

Chloe: Teddy’s who I meant, but you’re so right about his ego and twisted sense of fun

Nancy: Me too, he doesn’t need to know a thing, like it’ll be hard to fool him, big ego does not equal big brain 

Nancy: aren’t Sunday dinners a complete chore? This would certainly be a suggestion to pep it up

Chloe: They’re the worst, if I’d known his entire family were this deranged, I’d have thought twice about marrying in

Nancy: Not a thing they would advertise

Nancy: I hear the sister’s husband-to-be is a walking corpse

Chloe: [however old he is] but not a hot [the age]

Nancy: They’ll last [however long we are ungenerously giving them] and it’ll all be for a divorce settlement not the lot in the will then 💔

Chloe: [a shorter time to be a bitch] if that

Nancy: 😏 I’m loathe to miss the fireworks 

Nancy: but enjoy, darling

Chloe: 😘 enjoy the rest of his party

Nancy: I’ll try

Nancy: someone has to make it a party, right

Chloe: And who better, it’s what you’re good at

Nancy: You made the right choice in declining, alas

Chloe: I babysit quite enough

Nancy: Mm, I am SO pleased to report my brother is yet to breed and thus try to force me into such a pursuit 

Chloe: In his situation I wouldn’t rush either, there’s no telling how children of theirs will turn out

Nancy: I shan’t be crossing my fingers for a logical approach from either of them, the studies have been sent and ignored, trust me

Chloe: He never would listen to reason

Nancy: He’s dead to me

Nancy: Ava, tbd but it’s not looking promising

Chloe: You poor thing, essentially orphaned, I don’t know how you cope

Nancy: If I were still in school, thank God it all happened just as I was allowed to get my own life

Chloe: Thank god

Nancy: The same can’t be said for my sister, when it all outs, you can take comfort in that

Chloe: The small comfort it’ll be

Nancy: There are bigger prizes to keep your eye on, naturally

Chloe: A teenager’s social suicide can only be so rewarding now we’re years removed from all that nonsense, as you pointed out

Nancy: And arguably, it’s his

Nancy: As you pointed out, James is a catch, until this makes him otherwise to other adults

Chloe: She isn’t the first to try and use him to social climb

Nancy: Just the first barely legal

Chloe: It’s Teddy’s fault, again, he was even there

Nancy: He’s never going to stop anyone making a bad decision, least of all his brother

Nancy: no loyalty

Chloe: He can’t handle his [whatever drug he told her he was on]

Chloe: embarrassing, must be in their shared DNA 

Nancy: Awh, how cute

Chloe: I dread to think how much of his father’s money he’ll lose tonight

Nancy: I’ll be planning a date with [whoever we’re saying is taking all these winnings] ASAP

Chloe: [suggest somewhere/some way to spend these winnings which is giving a flop cos your bad taste]

Nancy: 👏👏😘

Nancy: Perfection, my bday present to him isn’t allowing him to waste it on whatever he would

Chloe: Tell me you haven’t actually got him a birthday present

Nancy: Please, who am I

Chloe: But he still let you in, I told you he’s crushing on you

Nancy: Me and EVERYONE else, right

Chloe: Most of them are fine with bribing him

Nancy: I’m not about to ‘bribe’ him, babes

Chloe: I signed the card, what on earth James has given him is none of my business

Nancy: But guess

Nancy: what does he imagine a 16-year-old boy wants, as he alleges to have no memory of being one

Chloe: He buys everyone dusty old books, even the baby

Nancy: Not the baby, poor Matilda, she can’t even read

Chloe: I hope for your sister’s sake she can, she isn’t much older, technically 

Nancy: Oh I’m sure it’s a thing they’re bonding over and thinking it’s romantic

Chloe: 🤢

Nancy: It’s a shame Teddy isn’t more eligible, or I could talk him into taking Ava off James and sorting this problem for you… perhaps there’s something else though, I will have to see

Chloe: I wouldn’t wish him on anyone

Nancy: Not even me?

Chloe: Ew, no

Nancy: That is a relief, you can’t hate me THAT much 😘

Chloe: I hate him a lot more

Nancy: He teases you something awful

Chloe: I wouldn’t miss him, any of them, if James and I were over

Nancy: Understandable

Nancy: though I’m sure he’ll miss you making things slightly less dull

Chloe: Duh, but he’ll still have his mother and their unnatural closeness

Nancy: he’s one of THOSE 😬😬😬😬😬

Chloe: Closeted

Nancy: Mhmm, mummy’s boy ‘til you deny her grandchildren, so cliche

Chloe: The burden is entirely on me

Nancy: You NEED to have a boy, they’ll be so much kinder to you, whatever happens

Nancy: their children have and will fail to provide what you have

Chloe: THANK YOU

Chloe: this is what I’m saying

Nancy: You can get it done, before James does anything rash

Chloe: He’s already done something rash, but I can fix it before things get any worse

Nancy: 💅

Chloe: And Tilly can thank me when she’s older

Nancy: Duh, no one wants to be from a broken home, she’s SO welcome

Chloe: His parents have managed [however many years] without killing each other

Nancy: Or yours, who are actually still in love

Chloe: Exactly, it’s not that hard

Chloe: there’s no need for him to act tortured

Nancy: Men can’t help themselves

Chloe: I’m putting in the hard work, no one can say uni compares to looking after a child all day

Nancy: It’s not even close

Nancy: Uni is a major doss, everyone knows that

Chloe: Especially if everyone hadn’t insisted he take real classes instead of reading more dusty old books and talking about them

Nancy: Poor J 🥺

Nancy: like are there not enough stupid, impressionable girls on campus, I can’t

Chloe: Clearly he needs to trawl our former classrooms now, I can’t

Chloe: it’s humiliating he hasn’t outgrown these urges by this point

Nancy: I think men never really do, awful isn’t it

Nancy: what we’re expected to put up with

Chloe: I’m at my limit

Nancy: You need to let loose, have some time for yourself

Chloe: I don’t get to, that’s what the holiday was supposed to be for, time for myself and time for us

Chloe: he threw it back in my face

Nancy: What about going to [their holiday home]?

Nancy: He’ll have to sort everything if you’re not here, simple

Chloe: And let him have her over while I’m away, I think the fuck not

Nancy: I doubt she’ll be going anywhere once my parents get clued in, which they will

Nancy: but I see your point

Chloe: Forgive me for not trusting that your parents will do anything helpful, but when have they ever?

Nancy: Helpful when they left us with an empty house most of the time or helpful now

Nancy: your definitions have changed

Chloe: The definition of homewrecker hasn’t

Nancy: You act as if I’m about to disagree

Chloe: I’ll believe they’ll deal with her appalling behaviour when I see it

Nancy: Of course

Nancy: it seems a shame you’re to have no fun until then though

Chloe: Story of my life

Nancy: 💔