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fonulyn · 3 years ago

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fon's 2021 in fic

so I said I wouldn't and I did, the story of my life :'D I also managed to start this post three separate times and each time tumblr wiped it before I managed to actually post it, so this has been a true major test of strength. but I did post over ~350k of fic this year and I do think it deserves to be celebrated, so here we go!

fics are organized by pairing, roughly in a chronological order from oldest to newest, but so that the ao3 fics are first and the tumblr ficlets after them.

there’s exactly 100 fics (whoo!) (okay some of them are super short but i am counting them all, try and stop me :’D). featuring:

31 Piers/Leon

24 Chris/Leon

18 ot3 (Chris/Leon/Piers)

7 Krauser/Leon

3 Jake/Piers

2 Wesker/Chris

6 “others” (Patrick/Leon, Adam/Leon, Jason/Leon, Claire/Leon, Queen Plaga/Leon, Lickers/Leon)

9 Joe/Nicky

so. here you go. and here’s to hoping that 2022 will be an equally good writing year :3

Piers/Leon

you can have it (you know you've got it) | 3,8k | Leon pushes his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket and spins around to face Piers again. “Nice place, Nivans,” he says, flashing a grin that’s so charming that it alone is enough to make Piers feel a little weak in the knees.

got something to tell you (that I never thought I would) | 2,4k | The one wherein Leon proposes no less than four times. (Spoiler alert: Piers says yes. Eventually.)

memories are made of this | 8,8k | Leon recovers and finally gets his cast off, they celebrate their engagement a couple of different ways, and are sickeningly domestic.

driving deep into your heart | 2,2k | Piers, the newly crowned champion of MotoGP, gets a surprise visit from his boyfriend.

so I confide in you (for nothing compares to you) | 20k | Leon is sent in to rescue the president's son from a cult, and ends up getting more than he bargained for.

all I wanted (all I'll ever need) | 3,3k | This was the best birthday Leon had ever had. At least right at this moment he could’ve sworn to that, as having Piers spread out for him like this was the stuff dreams were made of.

love will always find the way | 15k | Leon meets Piers' family for the first time.

saved my heart for you | 8,2k | In a way, Piers had two first meetings with Leon S. Kennedy. Only for the first one of those he had no idea who he was with was actually Leon S. Kennedy. That is how it started, anyway. The journey itself was much, much longer. And worth every single step.

when the air's too thick to breathe | 1,9k | It was Leon, unmistakably so, lying on the ground half hidden by the undergrowth. His clothes were torn, his hair matted with blood, and he looked so pale that it was almost unreal. Almost as if he was sleeping, not--

maybe he's born with it | 1,7k | The one wherein there's a bet going within the BSAA whether Leon is a natural blond or not.

all that I need is just one moment in your arms | 1,9k | Leon saves Piers' life and gets hurt. It scores him cuddles, though.

fall in love so easy | 1,5k | Piers brings pet names into the equation. Leon kind of loves it.

you're my fantasy (someone I'm made for) | 4k | The one wherein they enjoy the easy access skirts provide.

so much more (than falling in love) | 3,2k | Their holiday plans get disrupted by an amazing bathtub.

will you be by me? | 12k | Piers comes back home infected and mutated. As a cherry on top, he doesn't even remember who Leon is. Leon is determined to stay by him, to help him heal, no matter the cost. In the end, it is a story of love and recovery.

no boundaries | 2,6k | They hide in a closet from a tyrant. They also get a little carried away.

never too much to ask for | 4k | The one wherein Leon learns how amazing hugs are.

and it takes me over again | 3,6k | They fight a giant snow monster, Piers gets a bad burn and Leon takes care of him.

you're feeding the fire within me | 7,5k | Piers and Leon get dosed with Rebecca's new Super-Viagra. It's fuck-or-die. And, boy, do they fuck.

stay until the end of life | 9,5k | After the plaga did a number on Leon's insides, leaving him slowly dying, there doesn't seem to be much hope left. Somehow, he gets there anyway, even if the road to recovery is a rocky one.

'cause everyone's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man | 3,3k | Leon walks in on Piers' private time, but in the end it's a win-win for everyone.

cleanse the wounds and forget the name | 2,7k | A new BSAA recruit just can't shut up, talking shit about everything important. When he starts shit-talking Leon, Piers simply needs to shut him up. With his fist.

nothing else remains | 4,4k | Leon might have a tiny praise kink. Just a little one.

only the courage to continue counts | 26k (ongoing) | RE4 au. Leon isn't sent to Spain alone but with a partner. Too bad he has a tendency to get attached to his partners way too easily.

winter lovin' (there's snow one like you) | 12k | Piers takes Leon on a snowy vacation in Lapland.

delete the ladder | 500w | Leon finds that the Sims has changed from when he last played it. It's gotten worse.

lessons in relaxation | 1,2k | Piers has slept beside his friends before, it's not a big deal. He can sleep anywhere. Except apparently now his big gay crush on Leon is making it A Big Deal. Thankfully Leon knows how to make him relax.

healing | 860w | The mission left Leon broken, bruised and banged up, and he's fully prepared to tough it out alone while Piers is on whatever mission the BSAA has sent him on. Except Piers has other ideas.

favorite uncles | 970w | Piers' niece sometimes gets to stay for a sleepover with them. They all kind of love it.

hot like hell | 755w | Not even a thousand degrees of sweltering summer heat can make Leon keep his hands off Piers.

under the rubble | 1,1k | Leon gets trapped in the basement of a collapsed building, and it takes him a moment to realize he's not alone. Truthfully, the company is the best he's had in ages.

Chris/Leon

kiss your eyes, caress your hair, kill that pain away | 5,9k | Glenn Arias kidnaps Leon because he reminds him of his dead husband. Leon is not having the time of his life.

when you don't look, you find | 3,5k | Childhood friends are reunited in 1999.

it is time to do something right | 2,6k | Being thrown into a wall came as no surprise at all. Leon didn’t even remember a time when he hadn’t been thrown around by these gigantic monsters, it had become more the norm than the exception. And of course Arias did it too, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

dance to the end of love | 1,5k | Chris tries to teach Leon to dance.

no space between | 1k | Leon passes out from exhaustion. But he gets cuddles, at least.

tell me that I'm okay, tell me that you'll stay | 1,8k | Chris finds Leon at the morgue with what's left of his team.

end of the road | 1,8k | The one where a life is lost.

sweet distraction | 2,6k | The one wherein Chris offers Leon an alternative to overworking himself.

change all that's gone before | 3k | For the first time, a mission gone sideways doesn't only earn Leon bruises.

you know I want you and you want me | 1,3k | “If we weren’t in public right now,” Chris says, so low that only Leon can hear. His hot breath hits Leon’s ear, and Leon shudders helplessly already before Chris goes on. “I’d have my head between your legs.”

you give me heart to carry on | 1,9k | Chris is in danger and all Leon can do is wait. It is hell.

take me through the night | 1,8k | Chris comes back home early and they celebrate accordingly.

dressed to kill | 1,8k | Chris enjoys some lace on Leon.

that sweet sensation of living in your love | 1,8k | The one wherein Leon helps Chris relax, in multiple ways.

(tho i am made of glass i am) safe in the palm of your hand | 1,6k | Chris is held captive, but Leon gets him out of there.

time for retirement | 730w | After they both get injured on a mission, Chris and Leon talk retirement. Maybe some feelings, too.

glasses | 511w | Chris likes Leon wearing glasses.

how much i missed you | 1,1k | Chris gets woken up for some sleepy midnight sex.

dance with me | 1,5k | Claire tricks Chris and Leon into taking dancing classes together. They're both going to owe her.

a cheap shot (but whatever works) | 1,2k | Chris learns that the new rookie broke his unbreakable record at the shooting range. He's got to meet the man who managed that.

glasses, take two | 400w | Leon likes Chris wearing glasses.

it's a roadtrip, baby | 890w | Driver picks the music. Everyone else complains.

dirty pirates know the dirtiest tricks | 910 | Chris hates that Claire makes him wear the stupid sailor costume to a Halloween party. After that helps him score a date, though, he might owe her an apology.

aches | 610w | Chris can't sleep.

ot3 (Chris/Leon/Piers)

been crazy for you, so long | 2,2k | The one where they fuck. Again. Fun times is had by all.

so good together | 2,3k | The one wherein Chris gets shown a good time.

here after | 2,6k | Chris is sick and gets taken care of.

so hold on tight | 2,8k | Leon gets himself injured on a mission, but at least he gets a little help from his boyfriends.

put me in a daze | 1,9k | The one wherein Leon gets fucked until he barely knows his own name.

with you by my side | 1k | Leon is sick and gets taken care of.

not giving up yet | 3,9k | Chris and Piers get in trouble. Good thing they have Leon, and his absolutely official obviously approved strike team.

all the things that matter | 3,8k | Piers is sick and gets taken care of.

we'll take on the world and wait | 7,4k | Someone from Chris's past kidnaps Piers and Leon to set him a trap.

and love shall heal the scars | 8k | Even at Leon's funeral, Chris and Piers don't believe that he is really gone. They're going to get him back. No matter the cost.

a little bit of caretaking | 700w | Piers comes home absolutely exhausted. Chris and Leon make it better.

happy accidents | 1k | Piers sends Leon a suggestive picture. Except he picks the wrong number and Chris almost ends up having a heart attack. He certainly ends up getting some, eventually, so he can definitely forgive that.

last chance garage | 830w | Chris, Leon and Piers have that garage. Even if Piers seems to be the only one who ever gets any work done, goddamnit.

it's not that bad | 400w | Chris is afraid of going to the dentist.

i could take you on | 520w | Leon is super sleepy and gets taken to bed.

enjoying the show | 640w | Leon is so effortlessly badass he has half of BSAA drooling after him.

sleep seduction | 1k | Piers and Chris try to trick Leon into sleeping more. It works.

shower shenanigans | 800w | Chris, Leon and Piers enjoy a post mission shower.

Krauser/Leon

slipping on a razor's edge (I hope you'll finally find me) | 4,8k | It's 2013 and Krauser has been dead for almost a decade. Except he hasn't.

hold on to what is never changing | 3,6k | The one wherein Krauser's back. Again.

when the light of the chosen has died | 1k | Every single movement sends a flash of pain through Leon and he grimaces, bringing his hand to his side. But there's no choice but to keep moving. No choice but to try to get away.

so came our time | 1,1k | The one with final goodbyes.

can't help but follow in spite of going insane | 2,6k | Krauser takes too long to kill Leon and Saddler intervenes.

can we pretend (that we end up okay) | 5,1k | Krauser keeps on coming back. Even worse, Leon doesn't want anyone else as much as he wants Krauser.

i'll keep watch | 820w | Leon is tired and overwhelmed but no matter what he does he can't sleep. Not until Krauser helps him.

Jake/Piers

(we don't have to fight) if I can take you home tonight | 1,5k | “Fucking hell,” Piers groaned, letting his head fall backwards onto Jake’s shoulder as a full-bodied shudder shook his frame. As an answer Jake tightened his hold of Piers’ hip with one hand, sliding his other palm down to Piers’ thigh.

all the things you are | 10k | Much to his shock (and displeasure), Piers found out the man he'd been falling for was an actual goddamn mercenary.

kiss before the fall | 3,6k | After they're back from the underwater facility, Piers and Jake can no longer ignore the mounting tension between them.

Wesker/Chris

you will feel it when all your love is gone (you will love it when all your love is wrong) | 3,4k | Tonight was the night Wesker’s plans would come to fruition. It was a pity, he thought, that tonight Chris would be walking into his death. Only eight years later, they meet again.

when the Master is slave to his life | 450w | Jill might not be in control of herself but she is still aware. And watching Wesker obsess over Chris is starting to get on her nerves.

others

maybe one day | Patrick/Leon | 725w | Surprisingly, Leon asks Patrick if he'd like to have dinner with him. Patrick eagerly agrees.

just a man | Adam Benford/Leon | 2,5k | If there is one thing that Leon S. Kennedy knows it's loneliness. Sometimes he needs help to cope.

without hope, without fear | Jason/Leon | 4,7k | Leon's eyes slipped shut, and when Jason leaned down and kissed him, he didn't stop him. Then Jason was between his thighs, kissing him again, and Leon let himself imagine it was Krauser instead.

hooked on you | Claire/Leon | 1k | Leon tries to convince Claire to stay home instead of going out for dinner.

on an all time high | Leon/Queen Plaga | 5,9k | The one wherein Leon gets thoroughly monster-fucked.

lost control | Leon/lickers | 3,1k | Leon didn't even know lickers had dicks, not before he found two of them fucking. He could've lived his life without that knowledge, but seems that interrupting the two means they'll now make him their target. And not in the we're-going-to-slash-your-throat kind of way.

Joe/Nicky

someone like you | 3,1k | No powers AU. The one wherein there is only one bed. Maybe not entirely by accident.

here sometimes | 1k | The one wherein they have a sleepy three am dance.

the man and his moon | 1,2k | The one wherein Nicky takes care of Joe after a nightmare.

gone so far already | 1k | The one wherein they kiss for the first time.

the fire within | 1k | The one wherein Yusuf gets his fingers into Nicolò’s long hair.

little wonders | 900w | The team takes a small break and enjoy a day at the market place.

someone to adore | 1,6k | The one wherein Joe is a charming vet and Nicky owns multiple dogs.

patchwork quilt of a life | 27k | A scrapbook of memories through a millennium, and a family adjusting to a new normal.

who likes short shorts | 720w | Nile takes Nicky shopping and they come back with some obscenely short shorts with... questionable things printed on the backside.

#my fics #chreon #nivannedy #ot3 #kreon #metaltango #chrisker #jake/piers #joe/nicky #idk what to even tag #this was such a long process :'D #so much work lol #but i love me some lists #lists make me happy #2021 #here's to hoping i didn't screw up the links #ughhh

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ramp-it-up · 4 years ago

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Baby

Pairing: Daveed Diggs x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: Minors DNI, Wordsmith Daveed, descriptions of masturbation, references to breath play, manual sex, explicit laguage, oral sex (male receiving), love fluff. All errors my own.

A/N: This an ask from the 100 smut prompts ask list. What have I done? Smut level building with each story and y’all don’t even know.

BTW: This is in the Acceptance/Valentine’s Daveed AU. Short Stack x D.

You were so nervous that you surprised yourself.

It had only been 10 days since you’d seen him after three weeks of getting reacquainted and all the mind blowing sex on the regular.

You’d told yourself, and him, that you wanted to take it slow this time, but you weren’t prepared for him leaving.

You tried to go to sleep right after you got home from the second show on Sunday night because you wanted to get up early to pick up Daveed from the red eye Monday morning.

Your mind would not quit spinning, though, and you’d slept very lightly.

You hopped out of bed at 5 am, hyped to see your Daveed again. You decided to park and wait inside the baggage claim area.

You felt like a teenager when you saw D’s text come through that he’d landed. You texted back a cool, “K,” then freaked the fuck out.

Who were you? Certainly not the one who’d left Daveed and pretended he didn’t exist for a year.

Well, you’d tried it.

You watched as the crowds from the planes came down to baggage claim. You saw Daveed’s Oakland hat and curls above most of the rest of the passengers.

The rest of the crowd faded from focus as your eyes were riveted to Daveed. He had the biggest smile on his face. He looked so unreal. And so fucking good.

You felt the heat rise to your face. You were sprung, dickmatized, ruined. You felt hot, cold, emotional and about to cry.

Shit.

You were in love.

---

Daveed had spotted you before you spotted him.

He had that eagle eye for you. You were sitting down scrolling on your phone, your legs crossed.

Damn, those legs tho. Even though you were short, those legs went on forever to a succulent promised land that he hoped to visit real soon.

He licked his lips and recalled what you tasted like. 10 days was too long.

You stood up and searched the crowd. Your eyes locked and he could see that you were flustered.

You hadn’t said you loved him back since you got back together, but he was almost certain. You wanted the same thing he did. He smiled as he came after you.

----

You felt like you couldn't move as you stared at Daveed. He finally reached you and dropped his bags on the floor.

He didn't say a word, but bent down, wrapped his arms around your waist, picked you up, and kissed you, hard.

You took off his hat, fisted his hair and groaned through the kiss. You had to get out of there.

"I missed the hell outta you," he told you when he finally put you down.

He smiled down at your upturned face, took his hat out of your hand and smashed down your nice fluffy curls with it.

You pouted, only pretending to be mad.

"Funny, I was just thinking the same about you. I missed you too, Diggs." You were so happy he was back.

"Finally! You admit you missed me. Maybe you really do like me and are not just using me for my body!" He laughed at you. "Not that I care at this moment."

"Yeah, I like you. And I will take you up on that usage agreement."

You leaned up to kiss him again before leading him out to the parking lot.

“Your place?”

It wasn’t even really a question since he let go the place he had been renting. It didn’t make sense for him to stay somewhere else.

You couldn’t even front as you nodded eagerly. He rewarded you with another smile, then looked at you and bit his lip as you stood outside your car.

You cocked your head at him, mesmerized. Your body was feening for his.

"You wanna drive?" Your voice was husky and full of desire.

Daveed put his lips close to your ear. You shivered.

"Hell yeah, but I want you to get us there. I wanna look at you."

He opened the driver's side door for you.

You stared for a minute and climbed in. Daveed looked at you in the driver's seat, leaned over and kissed your lips softly and let his hand travel down your body from your neck to your thighs.

Damn, he thought as he shook his head and went around to the passenger seat. I'm this close to the promised land! He was excited but cool.

You tried to collect your thoughts but your brain was short circuiting with him so close and his spicy coconut scent filling your nostrils.

Daveed sat in the passenger seat, looked at you and put his infamous left hand on you. He was tracing patterns on your leg.

The sensation traveled to your core, the fabric of your leggings somehow a sensual conductor.

“Tell me this. Did you touch yourself when I was gone?”

“W-what do you mean?”

Daveed caught the stutter, and smiled, but he kept his eyes down as his hand moved up higher, stopping the tracing and now clasping the expanse of your thigh and squeezing just a bit, long fingers embedded between your lush legs.

“You know what I mean. I mean did you finger your pussy, circle your clit after licking your fingers and then pulling them out to taste them again?”

His eyes held yours now. You couldn’t breathe.

“I mean, did you shove your fingers inside you as deep as you could and then did you curl them until you hit that special spot while still pressing your button?”

You gasped for breath and Daveed’s eyes went to your lips and tongue. He leaned forward to kiss you, but stopped himself with a small moan.

“Did you play in your sopping wet slit and let your fingers slip down to feel your other hole, accidentally of course, until you were sliding over the sheets in your own wetness?”

He was leaning toward you now, looking into your eyes as if he really wanted to know.

“Because that’s all I’ve wanted to do for 10 gotdamn days.”

And then he took your mouth, supple lips covering yours and tongue making you remember it’s past transgressions.

"You're trying to get me to fuck in this airport parking lot aren't you?"

You could only say it after you caught your breath. You were actually trembling in this man's arms. Damn.

"Now why would you want to do that?"

Daveed asked his question as he moved his hand up your face into your hair and gave a gentle but firm tug, making you gasp again and getting him harder than he already was.

You moaned. "You know why...."

He loved to hear you struggle and made a mental note to show you more about breath play at your place.

He forced your head back and marked your neck, turning places your skin a deep purple. So beautiful. Damn, he wanted to do demented things to you right now.

“Fuck, Daveed. No marks!”

He knew why you were protesting and it irritated him. He pulled your hair again.

“That’s what the fuck makeup artists are for.”

He practically growled. That and his full beard made you ready to go right now.

His hand moved down your neck to your collarbone tracing it over to your chest and there it rested for a minute, his thumb caressing your nipple through the fabric of your hoodie.

Which was really his hoodie.

Daveed moved his hand underneath, squeezing your breast gently in his hand.

"No, I don’t know why..." He wanted to hear you.

"Because you are making me so fucking wet, that's why."

Your needy whine threatened to take him out right then.

"Word? That's what's up. Let me see.”

Daveed raised his eyebrow at you.

You were past the point of denying him anything at this moment.

"Y-yes. Please."

That was the green light.

He trailed his hand down your stomach to the waistband of your leggings. He slipped his hand in, his long fingers caressing your pearl. He could feel it swell right away.

"Jesus!"

He couldn't stand it.

"You are wet.”

He plunged two fingers in your goodness and could feel your body grip them.

"Damn, how are you so tight.!?!"

He started pumping in and out of you, doing what he’d described earlier. He needed to be inside you, and soon.

"The dancing....always... keeps ....the core ....tight.... Oh...My....Damn..."

Your eyes were closed as you felt your body quicken. Daveed leaned over, pulled the hoodie up and gently bit your nipple, playing with it with his tongue while it was still trapped between his teeth.

He could feel you start to pound around his fingers.

As you started to moan, Daveed covered your mouth with his. You came on the palm of his hand. D was as hard as a rock and leaking in his jeans.

He watched as you came, wanting to bust himself. He had to do something.

"Are you sure you can drive?" He asked with an evil grin. "I think you should go ahead and get into the passenger seat so I can."

You opened your eyes and looked at him, confused.

"Just climb over me and I’ll shift into the driver's seat."

Your heart skipped a beat as you shifted up and over the car’s gear shift and onto Daveed’s own.

You came down relatively hard on his lap and he groaned.

"Are you gonna drive?" You leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

Daveed was gripping your ass while you rode him. He couldn’t speak.

"Let me get you off.... so you can move."

You got on your knees on the floorboard of the car in front of him. You watched him watch you as you unzipped his pants and uncover the throbbing mass.

You smiled and kissed it lightly.

"I've missed you."

You looked up at him. “What do you want me to do?"

Daveed just stared at you, put his fingers in his mouth, and pulled them out slowly. He closed his eyes as he tasted you. You grinned and went to work.

You licked his tip as you gently squeezed his balls. Then, you lowered your wet mouth around him, causing him to piston his hips up toward your face.

You took his cock down your throat and moaned.

“Damn, I’ve missed the sight of you letting me fuck your face. Such a good, good, good, good girl.”

He trusted into your mouth with every good and the praise made you want to live up to your title. You took what he gave you. And gladly.

After he came, and you swallowed, he looked around.

"Let's get out of here before we get arrested."

You laughed and kissed him as you shifted around and he got in the driver's seat and fixed his clothing.

You adjusted yourself as well. Satisfied for the moment, but anticipating more to come.

He smirked at you as he put the car into gear. You dozed slightly as he drove back to the city, finally relaxed enough to rest.

As he pulled into your space in the parking garage, he gently shook you awake.

“As much as I want to I can’t carry you and my bags upstairs.”

You smiled and stretched, Daveed watching appreciatively.

“My big strong Baby. You can do anything.”

You took his face in your hands and kissed his forehead, nose and lips.

“Baby?” Daveed’s eyes glowed as he grinned at you. “I’m ‘Baby’ now?”

Your stomach and back were fluttering like crazy. But you sucked it up and smiled back at him. It was time out for games.

“Yeah, as in Baby, bring me something to eat? Baby, are you really playing that game right now? Baby, I need that dick.”

You looked down and back up at him. “And as in, Baby, I missed you and I love you. So much.”

Daveed’s smile got bigger, impossibly so, and he kissed you back lightly.

“You know I love you too. Short Stack.” He got serious for a minute. “I promise you I wont hurt you…”

You silenced him with a kiss. “Let’s just keep moving. No take backs, no regrets.” Another kiss. “Now let’s get upstairs.”

Daveed agreed, and you got out and Daveed gathered his bags. On the elevator ride up, Daveed held you in front of him, his arm wrapped around your ribcage as you leaned back against him.

You could feel his erection get bigger the higher you climbed. Him nuzzling your neck almost made you forget that he probably was exhausted and hungry.

“Hmmmm. Baby? You hungry?”

You smiled down at the elevator floor, anticipating his answer. He didn't reply, just walking out of elevator as the doors opened on your floor.

When you got inside and his bags discarded, he finally answered you. Walking toward the bedroom.

“I’m starving Short Stack. I need to eat. Come sit on my face, let me show you how much I missed you."

You practically skipped into the bedroom behind him.

----

Tagging: @sillyteecup @ohsoverykeri @theselilwonders @theatrenerd86 @sebastianabucknettastan @imatyoursurrvicesurr @riiyy @ivycomet @lonelydance @jbrizzywrites @curtainremote @biafbunny @summerofsnowflakes @honeysucklechocolatedrippin @peaches-and-mangoes @delaber @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @einfachniemand

#Daveed Diggs #daveed diggs smut #daveed imagine #daveed x reader #daveed diggs x reader #davee diggs x ofc character reader #daveed diggs x black reader #100 Smut prompts #Ask DJ #daveed x you #daveed diggs fic #daveed diggs imagine #Daveed Diggs ask

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crescencestudio · 4 years ago

Text

Devlog #4 | 8.29.21

Hi everyone, I’m back!

SuNoFes is about a week away, and I am ~terrified~ (just kidding, not really). I’ve been a bit busy this past week since school has started up again and I’ve had to move things around and everything so I haven’t been able to work on Alaris as much as I would’ve liked. BUT I’ve still made some progress since the last update, so let’s jump right into it :D

*Insert Click-Bait Screenshot Here*

As always, see below the cut for further updates!

So some updates regarding the game and its progress, specifically the Chapter 1 Sample Release:

Writing: 100% Done!

Art: 99% Done | This is basically done. All I have are small screens I’ll be showing in the game for disclaimers, credits, etc. And even these small screens are done for the most part. It’s only small extra ones I have planned c:

Script: 100% Done!

Coding: 99% Done | I’ve coded in the necessary customizable screens that will be showing (Extras Page, Save/ Load Screen, History Screen); I’ve coded the entire script for the game; I’ve coded the complete personality feature that will be in Chapter 1, and other stuff \o/

In terms of specific updates, I’ve added the soundtrack that will be used for the demo release in. The game feels so different with an actual soundtrack playing during the scenes, and it honestly is a bit unreal that I’ve been able to pull something like this together!

I also completely finished the personality feature that will be available for the Chapter Release. As I’ve said before, this isn’t the complete mechanic - in the future, you will be able to actually see what your stats look like in terms of personality and romance, but this won’t make it to the Chapter 1 Release. Below is a little example of how it’ll look in-game

I’d like to thank Nim, aka the writer for @the-remainder, for the bundle pack! Now, this will hopefully add clarity, guidance, and just a little extra immersion when playing the game~

I also created warning and disclaimer screens as well as credits, as I said before. These are just to let you all know who I got some resources from and some warnings about potentially triggering topics and disclaimers about the current state of the game compared to its final form.

The Extras screen is currently under development. For Chapter 1 Release, it will be a stand-in screen explaining what features are to come:

Finally, I’ve just been making small adjustments to the game and cleaning it up. Polishing the Save & Load Screens and History Screen, editing the script wherever I need, adding in effects for where it’s appropriate, etc.

This last week leading up to SuNoFes, I’ll be scanning the game, trying to find potential bugs if there are any and other small typos. Because I’m just one person, I’m being realistic and telling myself I won’t be able to find everything, but I can at least try my best :D Hope you’re all excited!!!

#devlog #developer #game development #gamedev #gameart #otome game #game release #otome #english otome #otome romance #amare #indie game

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mittensmorgul · 4 years ago

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hi! so this is really random, but i am about to start a new fic and i wanted to have sam w/ someone as a side pairing but couldnt decide yet and it got me to thinking did jared ever enjoy any of his onscreen love interests who were not gen? i know he didn't seem to care for the eileen relationship for some reason and i know he hated the amelia one as well. do you know if he ever mentioned if he prefered anyone for sam outside of "ruby"

Hi there! First off, ooh yay! Good luck writing your fic!

Second, maybe this is just me, but I don't really take into account how the actors who played the characters may think or feel when writing fic. It would be like being concerned about what the girls who acted in Marie's play from 10.05 thought the characters they played should want, you know? It's YOUR vision you're writing about here. You can write YOUR version of the story!

I still can't believe they redeemed Becky into a positive role model for fanfic writers. :'D

But since you asked specifically, of course Jared always said he liked Ruby/Gen. I mean, he liked her enough to marry her in real life. What else is he supposed to say when he's asked that question?

As to what he said about Eileen after the finale... about thinking Dean would never have wanted him to end up with a hunter... I have no idea what that was about, but Dean was the biggest in-canon Saileen shipper. So like... I have no idea what that was about. Just trying to not make waves about the fact Eileen was excluded from the finale? Did he really feel after they spent most of s15 demonstrating a healthy and positive relationship developing between him and Eileen to the point even *I* was like "OKAY THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY ENDGAME" after being incredibly wary of the relationship most of the season (because of how Eileen was brought back, because she was one of Chuck's pawns pushed into their lives unwittingly to manipulate them). So if they managed to convince ME that they were truly choosing each other and in love by 15.18, I have no idea why Jared couldn't see that, but whatever... He acted the heck out of that whole arc with Eileen, and his distress in 15.18 when Eileen disappeared felt genuine to me. The only piece missing from their relationship was the reunion between them I think everyone was expecting in 15.20, you know? So maybe it was just Jared's own work to rationalize the script he had to act out that didn't explicitly include Eileen and Sam ending up together. I don't know that he didn't enjoy the potential of that relationship while it was unfolding on screen, only that his post-finale comments felt weirdly jarring after we'd all watched a love story unfold between them all season.

But we're here to talk about writing fic, where we're 100% allowed to write any relationships we want. I've always said I personally ship Sam/Happiness first, so regardless of who I've paired him with, my goal is for him to be happy with them (and obviously for his partner to be equally happy with him, no matter who it is). But that's in the way they're written together in your fic, and not even really dependent on how things unfolded in canon.

I personally (since I'm mostly here for destiel focused fic anyway) haven't really written Sam's relationships as main focuses of a story, so I might not be the best person to ask if your fic is more Sam-centric. I've personally written Sam/Jess, Sam/Eileen, Sam/Rowena (and several times implied Sam/Eileen/Rowena... heck once I implied a potential for Sam/Donna, though it never developed in that fic), and in addition to those have also read Sam/Jo, Sam/Sarah Blake, Sam/Jody, Sam/Ruby, Sam/Original Female Character (some of the original characters I have ADORED, too, so that's always an option for you! Heck, I even wrote one in Plotbunny). I know a lot of people ship him with Gabriel, too (and sometimes as a threesome with Rowena). So if you see Sam as something other than straight, that's definitely an option for you, too.

As to the Amelia relationship, I haven't really read that one in fic because the audience in general also felt that was a bit of a weird relationship of convenience for both of them more than a true love/happiness match. The way it was handled in canon was.... odd, as well, and even the way their scenes together were shot had an air of unreality to them, to the point a LOT of the audience at the time questioned if she was even a real person, or if Sam's recollections were even accurate. I can see why Jared would've felt weird about that relationship, as well, especially given how abruptly it ended and then was never mentioned again in canon.

It's your fic, so honestly who do YOU find most interesting to pair Sam with for your story? Because that's all that matters in your fic.

#sam fucking winchester #i personally ship sam/happiness first so no matter what i consider first who he would be happiest in the context of what i'm writing #different stories with different themes sometimes make me see different ships for him in those circumstances #so rather than worry about what anyone else thinks... really think about what works for what you're writing :)#and good luck anon! :D #writing is hard #and sometimes hitting on the 'right' character for a role can help immensely :)

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westernchords · 5 years ago

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2020: a replay & reflection

so... here we are at the near end of a very long, unsettling & strange year. and at this particular moment in time, spotify has released its 2020 wrapped feature, an annual highlight for gay people everywhere (self VERY included). since the world is very large & this is a personal blog with a limited scope, i'll talk about what i know best: the view from my corner of the musical world.

i only had two songs in common with any previous year -- i wish i missed my ex by mahalia & sugar by brockhampton (... i know, the heartache is loud already,)

4 unique rain asmr audios made it into my top 15 (they help me sleep lolol)

show tunes was my #4 most listened to genre and yet not a single one made it into my top 100. (i'm pretty sure it was all of my late night waitress sing alongs)

i discovered 1,012 new artists and 162 new genres

all very fun and interesting things! however, in looking at this year, there are two things to discuss that are most important: the amount of time i spent listening to music (111,989 minutes) and my top song, fake mona lisa. let's discuss both.

on time: in short, music means a lot to me. in long, i mean that music has been central to my life for as long as i can remember. i think of my church choir and my mother singing eartha kitt and corrine bailey rae in the kitchen, my father's surprise talents at piano when he would play in chapel, and how i like to make up little ditties to sing for my dog or while i cook or to solely entertain myself. if one was to take a look at my journals, each entry is annotated with the song i was listening to or suited my mood at the time i was writing. at any moment, i am capable of revisiting the emotional landscape of old memories all set to the very soundtrack that holds that particular past closest.

i still remember plucking violin strings at 5, how i used to stack music books so i could sit up straight on my piano bench because i was too short at 7, picking up woodwinds in highschool and letting my best friend act as conductor, and now, singing endlessly- day in and day out, because it makes me feel like i am traveling home. i think of creole folk songs that connect me to my family, my diaspora. i remember the favorite songs and artists of people i don't know anymore, but still. it stays with me. my friend cj says i have a great emotional sensitivity to music, but more so, music simply connects to every cornerstone of who i am. the creation of it, the listening, the love of it. the constancy.

music is integral to my daily routine and life. since i was 13, maybe younger, i have always believed that the first song i hear in a day sets the tone so i always try to play something i love and makes me feel joyful to start off on the right foot. i will do this my entire life. every day is permeated by sound and the data shows it. 111,989 minutes is almost 3 months straight. this doesn't even count soundcloud listens or youtube tracks or music i play on my own. this felt fitting. music, this year in particular, has been a salve to both new and old hurt. and maybe i am picking at my scabs, but 2020 has amplified so much anger and shame and fear and despite that, there is so much joy in art. music is a balm for the world, it is poetry in its own right.

on fake mona lisa: so .. i am kind of obsessed with this song. fifteen hours worth of listening, i text my friends i'll join the video call soon - i just need one more replay, i got high and played this song while lying in the middle of a meadow and experienced more emotions than i had had in a very long time, my friends lovingly tease me about it so it's sort of like a character trait now, kind of obsessed. my turning to this song was the sort of romance that i didn't anticipate, but fell very hard into and, if you know me, you know that's my favorite kind. let's get into why: when dedicated side b came out, i was heartbroken. there's really no other way to put it. i was alone, back in my childhood bedroom, and harboring a reopened wound from past relationships that maybe had never closed in the first place. i was in this strange, melancholic knee-deep-in-emotions place & if you're an avid CRJ fan, you recognize that's a place she knows and sings about well.

as a song, fake mona lisa tends to be one of carly's more lyrically opaque tracks. which is fine, i'm a storyteller at heart, i'll craft my own narrative. (and honestly, there wasn't much legwork here.) without doing a full blown analysis, here are pieces that i find important to note about the song lyrically and resonate most with me -- big or small.

(transcription at bottom)

what i'm basically saying is that this song is about risk and young love and sex. its about secrets, cheap thrills, fast & easy desires, and the fantastical euphoria of a dead-end-but-still-fun “we're young so what's the matter,“ relationship. (very reminiscent of LA hallucinations, imo) and to me, someone who has been in and out of this same subset of emotional affairs, fake mona lisa stuck with me. vegas is a city of high risk, high reward- where else to chase that superficial, unattainable someone? more so, the song gives you the understanding that the relationship doesn't last, but that was not what carly ever truly wanted out of it. fake mona lisa is, at its core, about over indulgence in pleasure as a stand in for actual love + commitment, something i am oft to do myself & only did more of after dedicated side b dropped. i latched onto the slow and simmering exposition into glittery pre-chorus, starlit imagery, shiny-faraway vocals, and frankly, there was no competition for my song of the year. the song is a dream. i love it and i know what that says about me, but i stand by it.

dedicated side b, especially fake mona lisa, carried me through the healing process of heartbreaks that crystallized into many other things- indulgence, desire, risk, short lived romances, secrets, joy, kisses i should've kept to myself, spontaneous dance breaks, tears, etc., it is an album about love, recovery, and returning to the self. fake mona lisa is just my favorite stop on a long train ride to an okay-ness with aspects of romance (both with the self and others) that i am still figuring out the messy, rose-tinted, contours of.

and sonically? i just adore the key of d minor.

as a last touch point, fake mona lisa was only the tip of the iceberg of songs i obsessed over about not-exactly-ideal romances. again and again and again, heartbreak anthems appeared in my top 100, a deviation from my typical warmth towards romantic sentiments that appeared in past years. instead, there is a sense of love-at-a-distance, a painting yourself as the object of desire, a severed attachment, a not wanting to commit at all (see let's be friends, heartbeat, want you in my room, all by crj ... all appearing on the list.) however, much of what appeared celebrated love and having tremendous, special, struck by cupid, feelings. it's all there. what i'm saying is that carly rae jepsen writes music for lovestruck people- both lucky and not so much, hopeless or hopeful -- you name it. she writes about how you can fall in love with almost anyone, soundtracks for the highs of the first throes of intimacy, the first (and last) kiss, the shared moments between two people when they are each other's whole world, and the palpable distance of heartache, separation, and the landscape between.

she writes as though she is both eros and psyche, armed with arrows of cascading melodies, tipped with a salve for suppressing+healing+amplifying heartbreak, and lyrics so intimate and dreamy, you really can't help but believe in love with the way she speaks of it. love is a venture from shame, a fantasy that is more real than anything else, tender and kind, pleasurable, and escapable into. the world is better in it, the world is better because of it. in carly rae jepsen's discography, love is the defining pillar of experience. a northern star and guiding principle. it is the only thing, no matter what form. & frankly? i cant help but agree.

as a final note, in hanif wills-abdurraqib's emotion review for MTV, carly rae jepsen's public displays of affection, he says this:

thats all for now. bye 2020.

- august

///

transcription of my notes:

verse 1:

city/star light imagery

i am known for wearing a star stamp on my cheek

infatuation & attraction

paints a photo of a starlet and her lover, a fair weather affair

pre-chorus:

always waiting fro a chance the object of desire

a high from love, addictive pleasures

chorus:

sex & art & risk taking (art synonymous with beauty. + seduction)

she knows she cant handle this in a real way, but wants it

desire vs/& (in conjunction with) pain

verse 2:

an idealistic worldview, hoping for the best, always somewhere else not present.

dreamy lyrics + dreamy state of mind, cloudy even.

specifically the words fake mona lisa:

contrast, beautiful yet fully acknowledged to be unreal/superficial

a stand in for “real art“ aka “real love“

#crj #mine

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softderekhale · 5 years ago

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from the archives: snippets of a sterek pacrim au

hey y’all! i definitely haven’t been super active on this blog or tumblr at all lately, for a lot of reasons but mainly just... life. doesn’t that suck sometimes? but i really, truly hope everyone is doing well and you + your loved ones are staying safe. (long reflection + tumblr fic after the cut, lol)

i’ve been in kind of a funk with writing since the last time i “had” to do it, which was 12 days/sterek secret santa like, 6 months ago. it’s frustrating to me that i went from writing my longest fic ever exactly 2 years ago to having almost zero output now, but i’m trying not to be too hard on myself and i know writing is a really fickle pastime. anyway, this is a really long leadup, but i decided to just release some stuff i wrote into the wild. it’s either here or my google drive, so i might as well see if anyone wants to read it!

pacific rim is undoubtedly one of my favorite movies of all time (it was only bumped down by into the spider-verse, but they’re almost tied ;D). it came out right after my sterek obsession began, and i always imagined writing a sterek au based around derek and stiles being drift compatible. that whole concept has always been so lovely to me and fits in nicely with some of my favorite soulmate-y tropes. this idea always felt too ambitious, though, and i didn’t write a single word of it until i rewatched the movie in november/december 2019. i wrote the following stuff in an extremely giddy haze over the next few weeks. i’m not good about pushing myself to write, so i never added any more, but i still really like what i had/have! i hope maybe someday i’ll feel the urge to come back to it. but anyway, here’s my completely self-indulgent homage to one of my favorite movies and one of my favorite fandoms. in my au chronology for this, following the events of the first movie, global governments and the ppdc decided to deploy jaegers for continued deep sea exploration to further benefit scientific discovery and avoid wasting such expensive tech/training. this lead to a lot of corporate interference re: treasure hunting, etc. (national treasure, but make it underwater). oh, and werewolves exist (because wouldn’t they make great jaeger pilots?!). also, A SECOND PACIFIC RIM MOVIE WAS NEVER EVER MADE. THE END. laura and derek were copilots before a kaiju-fighting incident forced them into early retirement. laura is still alive, though! (because it’s me.)

***

“Mayday! Mayday! LOCCENT, do you copy? This is Luna Geminae paging for backup. LOCCENT! Danny, we can’t hold them much longer…”

Laura’s growl of frustration rang in Derek’s ear as he strained against the beast.

“Keep holding it, Derek. You can do this. I know you can. They’re so close, Derek, they’ve gotta be. Just a few more—”

Derek never knew how Laura intended to finish that sentence. All he would ever remember was the scream that tore out of her throat. Later, he would describe it as the first time he ever understood the meaning of “bloodcurdling.”

“Laura!” Derek gritted his teeth as pain roared down his left arm, causing his vision to blur and spark white around the edges.

“My arm, Jesus, my fucking… They got my arm, Derek—”

As water poured into the cabin above and around him, the last thing he remembered hearing was Laura’s anguished howl. Then the sky became fire, and everything went dark.

***

The day of the accident convinced Derek that his world would never stop burning.

For months after, when he lay staring at the ceiling until the early hours of the morning, the staticky shapes his eyes created to fill the darkness always melted and formed a wall of flames no matter how many times he scrunched his eyes shut and buried his face in his pillow. The noises, too — the ambient whoosh of the Dome’s ventilation system and the soft heart-like thud of the power grid soon coalesced into a unified, rhythmic chant that sounded more and more like Laura’s scream the longer Derek listened: Derek! Help!

In the days and weeks following their accident, Derek had tried every trick he could think of to reassure his subconscious that Laura was alive and safe, and would remain so even after she left his line of sight. For almost a week after she was released from the medical bay, he slept in the spare bunk above her. As reticent as he normally was to invade Laura’s privacy any more than he had to, experiencing her near-loss allowed panic and instinct to envelop Derek’s frayed nerves. He never fully explained it to Laura, but he didn’t have to — she never questioned his presence, nor did she point out that Derek always waited to fall asleep until he was certain she had already drifted off.

Eventually, though, Derek realized the routine was leaving them both sleep-deprived and irritable. He resolved to move back to his own quarters, not wanting to smother Laura with his relentless, anxious presence. But he knew she still sensed his distress — every evening at 2300 hours, like clockwork, she knocked on his door to tell him goodnight and gently pressed her right palm against her brother’s neck before waving and returning to her own room. It was a routine they continued even now, half a decade beyond the fight that had left their Jaeger decimated.

They had made progress, which Laura was always quick to remind her younger brother. Nothing could have prepared him for the aftermath of the accident, though, and the dark places where Derek’s mind would drift when there was no one around to distract him. Alone with his thoughts, no reassurance was strong enough to quiet Derek’s memories.

He shifted again in bed, his half-awake mind scrambling to remember the breathing exercises Deaton had taught him over the years.

Inhale through your nose. One. Two. Three. Hold. Exhale through your mouth. One. Two. Three—

Derek!

Start again. Inhale through your nose. One. Two. Three. Hold. Exhale through your mouth. Slower this time.

Good. Again.

***

This comes way after the scene above lol sorry

“Right hemisphere locked. Left hemisphere locked. Vitals are steady. Initiating neural handshake.”

Danny’s voice echoed through Derek’s head as he let his eyes flutter shut and tipped his head back. He’d been anxious about this moment for days now, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t secretly a little — or a lot — excited, too. Drifting was a heady, emotional experience, and if he and Stiles were truly compatible, Derek might finally get to settle the unease he had felt since his connection with Laura was severed.

“Alright,” Danny said. “You should be feeling it in three… two… one.”

Derek’s eyes flew open, but his gaze defocused as he felt his center of gravity list forward before returning.

As his sense of internal balance returned, the tingle of the neural link fizzed over his scalp. There it is. Slowly, then all at once, he felt the rush of Stiles’ mind meeting his own. Their emotions flowed over one another like water, memories flashing and sensations pulsing before slipping away into their shared flow of awareness. Derek had trained himself long ago to let himself float until the waters steadied, and he could feel Stiles, ever perceptive, do the same.

“Neural handshake established and holding at 100 percent.”

Without having to think twice about the gesture, Derek felt his knuckles meet his palm as he dipped into a customary bow. As he and Stiles led Luna in her first exploratory steps, Derek felt the weight of any lingering fears melt away.

With Laura, Derek had always felt like they were extensions of one another, movements and decisions cascading seamlessly from a fully unified thought process. Drifting with Stiles, though, felt unlike anything Derek had ever experienced. They were two sides of the same coin — each aggressive and reserved in equal, opposite measure. If Derek and Laura were reading from the same script, he and Stiles were finishing each others’ sentences as they improvised the same scene.

When they first met, Derek had found Stiles anything but graceful — but now, as they nearly seemed to glide across the ocean floor, he felt foolish for not realizing the instinctive adjustments and calculations stiles was constantly making based on his surroundings. As they steered Luna across the testing ground, Derek felt his temples begin to thrum with an energy he hadn’t felt in years. Best of all, he knew Stiles felt it too — he could literally trace the path of his elation as it wrapped around Derek’s senses and amplified his own excitement.

“How are you doing?” Derek shouted across the rig. It wasn’t a question he needed to ask verbally, but he chose to anyway, knowing it would help ground them both in the present moment and prevent any stray thought spirals from taking over their link.

“So good, dude. This is — this is unreal,” Stiles replied, slicing through the air with his left arm to test the angle of the jaeger’s knuckle daggers.

Derek smiled. “Not exactly like the simulators, huh?”

“Nothing like the simulators, man. Holy shit.”

As they continued to acclimate to the drift, Derek took Stiles through a few more of Luna’s signature maneuvers. Stiles’ extensive research showed, and combined with the knowledge he and Derek now shared, the moves seemed to come naturally.

“Do you want some music?” He and Laura always played music when training, but he didn’t want Stiles to feel—

“That’s all I want right now, Derek.” Derek’s grin broadened as Stiles flicked through the controls hovering in front of him. A heavy bass line thrummed through the cabin, and Derek finally did what he never thought he would be able to again in his lifetime: he let his mind relax and free-fell into the drift.

***

Two hours after he and Stiles had eaten dinner and finally parted ways, Derek still couldn’t stop thinking about their drift.

That wasn’t unusual, all things considered — emotional transfer was common, especially for werewolves and especially during the first few drifts with a new partner.

Every time Derek thought about his connection with Stiles, though, and the experience of their emotions weaving together, his mind kept snagging in one place. It was a place that had struck Derek even during the high of the neural handshake, not because it felt odd or foreign, but because it felt hauntingly familiar — but looked ugly and sinister looming over someone else.

It was anguish. It was a grief that had been doused in shame and set alight. It was a feeling of loss and self-loathing that made Derek feel like he was suffocating. It was exactly the way Derek had felt every day for years after the fire, and again after the accident.

He had tried to explain it to Laura as dispassionately as possible all the times she chided him for blaming himself or expressing guilt over what happened to their family, but he never knew how to describe it until he experienced it through Stiles’ memories. It was sore, like a bruised rib, a persistent ache that radiated out from the point of impact and lingered at the edge of his consciousness. Distractions might be able to push away some of the pain, but as long as he kept breathing, it would always be there.

Derek hadn’t seen exactly where Stiles’ pain radiated from, but it seemed to shroud the memories of his mother especially strongly. Stiles told him she had been sick, though — why would he feel guilty about her death?

He sat up, his leg bouncing as he fidgeted absently with a hangnail. Since deciphering what that unexpected shared emotion reminded him of, Derek couldn’t stop thinking about it. This, he knew, was normal too — without an outlet, emotional transfer tended to create a feedback loop as a co-pilot bounced back and forth between their own memories and their partner’s.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Derek shot up and strode to the door. It was late, almost midnight, and the full body experience of drifting had left Derek racked with fatigue. But — he just wanted to talk to Stiles. To be near him, again, as if it were a substitute for the feeling of absolute synchronicity they had just shared. It would only take a few minutes.

He was so distracted by his own jumbled thoughts that it took him a moment to register who stood just outside his door as he flung it open — it was Stiles, hand paused in mid-air.

“Stiles.” Very eloquent, Derek, he chided himself with an internal voice that sounded suspiciously like Laura.

“Oh— Well. Um. Hi.” Stiles gave a small wave before shoving his hand in his pocket. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were about to—“

“I was about to find you.”

Stiles paused. “Really?”

Derek stepped back, nodding toward the doorway. “Really. Do you want to come in?”

As he and Stiles stood facing each other silently, Derek scrambled for exactly what he wanted to say. Everything was so effortless when they were in the drift. Why was it so hard to find the words now?

To his relief, Stiles was the one who broke the silence. “Sorry, I’m sure you’re tired… I’m just kind of keyed up, I guess, and I couldn’t—“ Stiles ducked his head down. “I don’t know. I thought it might help to see you.”

“Don’t apologize. You have good instincts,” Derek assured him. “And I— I wanted to see you too,” he added, feeling the tips of his ears heat.

He could almost feel Stiles’ sigh of relief in his own chest. “Can I sit?”

“Of course.” Derek scooped a discarded pile of clothes off his bed and gingerly sat down after Stiles, mindful of the careful space between them. “Are you feeling okay?”

Stiles’ eyebrows jumped. “Yeah, I feel fine, I really do, but I just feel… jumpy, I guess. Which is normal for me, but I can tell this is different. I don’t know how I know, but…” he trailed off, gesturing abstractly in front of him.

Derek nodded. “I know what you mean. You can’t really prepare for the drift until you’ve done it,” he said, remembering how disjointed he felt after his first few test runs. “But it gets easier,” he added.

Stiles shook his head. “I’m not worried about it. I trust you.” His eyes shot up to meet Derek’s, as if challenging him to dispute the steady, honest heartbeat behind his words.

Derek was surprised to feel something behind his eyes sting at the pronouncement. He looked away from Stiles’ scrutinizing gaze, but he felt the other man’s eyes continue to study him. “I’m glad. I— that means a lot to me.”

Stiles nodded, remaining thoughtfully silent. Derek sensed he wanted to ask something, but wasn’t ready to admit it on his own.

“Is there anything I can do?” Derek asked gently, eyes seeking Stiles’ again.

Stiles looked pointedly away and bit at his thumbnail. “Um. It sounds stupid now. But I read… I read that physical contact can help,” he mumbled, so quickly Derek might not have caught it without his magnified hearing.

He realized Stiles’ admission may have felt embarrassing for a human, but for Derek, it was almost a relief. He reached forward slowly and cupped his hand over Stiles’ shoulder with a light squeeze.

“It’s not stupid. You felt how intense the drift is. When you separate from a complete mental overlap, it can be disorienting. And you know how tactile wolves are — that makes it even harder for us, so you’re probably getting some of this from my own emotional bleed.” He didn’t miss the way Stiles melted into his touch, his whole body swaying into their point of contact.

Stiles nodded. “Yeah. That makes sense. Thanks,” his gaze flicked up to meet Derek’s.

“Do you—“ Derek didn’t really know how to ask for more contact. It came so naturally with other werewolves, so he’d never really had to think about it before. “I don’t want to touch you in a way you’re not comfortable with. But if you want to lay down, or you want me to lay down or…” He took a sharp, steadying breath. “I’m trying to say that I understand, and I think it will make us both feel better, and I’m fine with whatever level of contact you’re okay with.”

Stiles laughed, a bright and unexpected break in the tension. “Jesus. Listen to us. I feel ridiculous, but— Thank you. You’re very considerate.” He paused, expression drawing almost imperceptibly tighter. “I want that too, though. I want you to feel comfortable. If you’re not, if there’s anything I do— I promise I’ll ask, first, and if you can tell me, I want you to.”

Derek felt a lump rise in his throat. Stiles’ words were sincere, but carefully chosen. He wasn’t sure how much of his own memories Stiles had observed, but it seemed to have been enough to understand that physical touch had once been a powerful weapon wielded against him.

“Thank you,” he answered quietly, before gently tugging at Stiles’ arm. “Here, lay down.”

The bed was barely wide enough for both of them to lay side by side, but it was just enough space for both men to settle on their backs with their elbows carefully layered between them. Derek hesitated for a moment before angling his head against Stiles’ neck. “Is this okay?”

Stiles hummed in agreement, the back of his hand flitting against Derek’s so softly he almost thought he imagined it. “This is perfect.” He inhaled deeply through his nose and tilted his head closer to Derek’s. They lay silently for a handful of minutes, and the rhythmic in-out of Stiles’ breathing nearly lulled Derek to sleep.

Suddenly, Derek felt Stiles still. “Why were you about to come look for me?”

Derek huffed. “I wanted to see you.”

“What, you had to check in on the rookie who can’t handle a drift?” Stiles’ tone was light, devoid of any real offense, and he jostled his shoulder gently against Derek’s.

“You did great. If anything, I— I hadn’t done it in so long, and Laura was my only co-pilot before you.” Derek frowned, remembering the heavy emotions of Stiles’ that had ensnared him earlier. He didn’t want to overwhelm Stiles, but he also wanted him to know that he both empathized with and thought highly of him.

“I never thought I would get in a rig again,” Derek continued. “I don’t think I trusted myself enough. I carry… I carry a lot of guilt, Stiles. But when I thought about piloting with you, the guilt didn’t win. You’re the first person who’s been capable enough, smart enough, strong enough, that I didn’t have to worry.”

Stiles didn’t respond at first, and a flash of panic seized Derek before he felt strong, warm fingers curl around his own.

“I won’t let you down,” Stiles said, his voice nearly a whisper and rough with emotion.

“I don’t think you could,” Derek whispered back, before he let his eyes slip shut and exhaustion overtake him.

***

When Derek awoke the next morning, he was startled — but it wasn’t in reaction to the way Stiles had draped himself over Derek in his sleep. Feeling Stiles’ arms around his waist felt oddly natural. The surprising part was how well he had slept — it was the first night of uninterrupted slumber he could remember having in months, if not longer.

***

yeah so... that’s all for now! if you read this, thanks and i hope you’re doing well!!! ❤️

#sterek #sterek fic #sterek pacific rim au #pacific rim au #my fic #tumblr fic

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passionate-baker · 6 years ago

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Monthly Musings: July

Hello dear friends!

July already! How was your month? Ours was sunny & humid. Lemme tell you, as an Irish person, I do not handle the heat well. I’ve basically been living in my birks, my yoga pants, and a flowy top all month long. On the other hand, more heat = lots of ice cream. Summer perks!

We took some time over the course of the month to gut our little garden patch. We fought a long hard battle with some very resilient ivy, but with the help of an axe and my extra determined father, we somehow managed to come out on top - thanks, Dad! Now we’re left with a lovely little patch of soil that was hiding underneath the ivy the whole time & we don’t know what to plant. I was originally thinking of planting some rhubarb, but now I’m thinking of planting pretty flowers instead, like hydrangeas or peace lilies. What do you think?

The offering for the month ahead is below, it’s relatively light & easy this time ‘round. I hope you find something that inspires you - to get in touch with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, to get into the kitchen baking, or to forward an informative coffee article to your friends who hate on your daily five cups. You do you.

Enjoy!

Boyfriend & I are heading to Kilkenny later this month to see Bob Dylan in concert! Neil Young & Glen Hansard will also be playing, but we’re really just going to see Bob. Other reasons to be excited about visiting Kilkenny: food, food, and more food. I’ve been working on a post about the medieval city for a while now and hope to get all I need to finish it off after this visit. Stay tuned!

One of the things that originally attracted me to Boyfriend was our shared love of coffee. In fact, he probably loves coffee more than I do. There’s nearly always a hot pot floating around our kitchen, but we will 100% fight you for the last cup. This is for all you coffee naysayers: Mythbusters, Coffee Edition.

In case you missed it, a new travel post hit the blog: 24 Hours in Galway. Basically, I got together with my mom & sister, we went eating & drinking in some of the best places Galway has to offer, and I blogged about our whereabouts. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the post!

In last month’s post, I mentioned that I was itching to add another cookbook to my collection. Originally I was thinking about a bread book (still am!), but we recently watched Christina Tosi’s episode on Chef’s Table and I went online & bought her book Momofuko Milk Bar basically as soon as the show ended. Obsessed is not the word.

I finally secured a trusty baker’s lame for myself! It’s bright yellow, totally adorable, & has been making my sourdough loaves look that bit “extra”. I dare say that owning it makes me want to bake even more sourdough than I already do.. which is a lot. Between the banneton & this, we’re winning!

Let’s just leave this here for future birthday present ideas: The Best Books to Read at Every Age, From 1 to 100.

I’ve started to push myself a little out of my comfort zone recently. I went out with some new work pals, I texted some friends that I’m not yet ready to consider ‘old friends’, and I got in touch with some over-seas friends I haven’t seen in years. The results varied considerably: one raging hangover, two upcoming coffee dates, and the offer of a spare room in Glasgow, respectively. Generally, I’m feeling pretty good about the whole dang thing!

For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you may have noticed that you’ve started seeing a little more of my regular everyday life on my stories. This was kind of weird for me in the beginning, but it’s in keeping with the above mentioned pushing of my comfort zone. Ideally, I’d like to start posting the odd photo of myself in my actual feed, but I just don’t think I’m there yet. Baby steps.

Boyfriend is so over hearing about this, but anyways. July marks five years since my friend & I finished our pilgrimage across Spain. On May 28th 2014, we started our Camino in Saint Jean Pied du Port on the French side of the Pyrenees, we hiked along the trail for 34 days - taking 2 rest days en route - and walked into the cathedral at Santiago de Compostela on July 2nd. It was truly a life changing experience and one that I will never not talk about. Following the French Way, we basically hobbled our way across the entire country, laughing hysterically & making new friends as we went. It was the best.

I guess I qualify as a real adult now, because we’ve been invited to another wedding! There was that one I was the flower girl for way back when I was like 6, then nothing for years, and now suddenly I’m attending three within the last eight months. Definitely an adult now. (My amazing mother already stepped in & bought me a dress for this upcoming one, so there’s no new stresses this time ‘round. Thanks, Mom!)

Mine & Boyfriend’s 4 year anniversary is later this month! That time fleeeew! We’re going to keep things super low-key & maybe hit up a movie or something. I’m also working on convincing Boyfriend to make his unreal version of Ragu alla Bolognese for us. Cross your fingers for me!

Coming this day next week: Sourdough Maple Blueberry Brown Butter Crumble Muffins. The recipe took me two months and five different batches of muffins to develop to perfection. Be sure to check back!

I’m adding this No-Fuss Lemon Tart to my to-bake list because it looks insane. Also, a salty pretzel crust? Yes please!

I hope you have the most wonderful month! Let’s catch up in August, okay?

Hugs,

Vicki xo

R E L A T E D P O S T S

June // May // April // March // February // January // December // November

#monthlymusings #july #2019 #monthlymusings2019

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jeongjaehyuns · 7 years ago

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ok since kellie posted her fancam i thought i’d finally stop being lazy and do the same too :’)

i mentioned this a little bit before but earlier this month, i was lucky enough to get tickets to see nct 127 at the apple music event in la and was able to see them perform! this was by far one of the most amazing and intimate experiences i’ve ever been able to be apart of and being able to see nct 127 doing what they do best together is something i’m going to cherish in my heart for a very long time! here is the link to the full playlist of all their performances!!

underneath the cut will be a much more detailed and in depth account of everything that happened at the event if anyone is interested in reading more about it! ♡

ok hello if there are people who actually decided to keep reading thank u so much and buckle up bc u are in for a riiiiiiiiiide (ridin on that VAAaaaaAAAAan, KEEP dRIVINGGGggGGG) ok anyways! HERE WE GO!

[ ! ] btw the first part is just me talking about everything that happened before the concert so pls feel free to just skip to the last paragraph instead LOL

so when news came out that nct 127 was going to be coming back to the u.s. and perform on jimmy kimmel and that tickets were FREE, my friends and i hi kellie, hi tracey all tried to get some tickets for both the taping and the concert and was able to make it on the waitlist! i don’t live in california but both of my friends do so i told them that if any of us got confirmed tickets, i’d be flying over there for the weekend to attend the show! it’s kind of all a blur now bc the only thing i can remember within that week was stressing out so hard over tickets because the way the whole thing was set up was just SO STRESSFUL because despite being on the waitlist, there is no 100% guarantee that you’d get tickets and they start giving out tickets to people from within a week before the taping to the day of the actual event so really, it was just one massive waiting game. but a week went by and none of us saw any signs of getting tickets and flight ticket prices kept fluctuating for me so i just went ahead and booked my flight anyways without a confirmed ticket pls don’t ever do this omfg please please PLEASE don’t ever do this!!! and PRAYED that one of us would be able to get tickets ;; a few days went by and then nct kept releasing more news and how they’d be performing at mickey mouse’s 90th birthday celebration so tickets for that were also available too and once again, we made it on the waitlist!!! and played not one but now two (2) waiting games!!!! :-)))

honestly i rly don’t remember much that happened during this small time frame bc i was so stressed and anxious over these tickets that it rly took a toll on me physically and mentally LOL but yeah so on wednesday the 3rd, nct 127 posted on their instagram about how they’d be having a special performance partnered with apple music and i was about to start my math exam but the moment i read their post, i ran to the bathroom faster than i’ve ever ran before and of course, i requested tickets and made it on the waitlist again!!!! SO NOW IN TOTAL, IT WAS NOT ONE, BUT THREE (3) WAITING GAMES!!! GAMES THAT I WAS STARTING TO GET SICK OF PLAYING!!! anyways yeah so basically my friends and i made it onto all 3 waiting lists and at this point we really just wanted to be able to make it to at least one event ;;;

fast forward to friday, aka 1 day before mickey mouse and 3 days before kimmel and apple music and also the day my flight leaves for la!!! my friends and i all got a big fat no from mickey mouse saying they wouldn’t be able to accommodate our ticket requests bc they were full so we we re like ok!!! whatevs!!! we still have kimmel and apple to try for!!! so here i am… at the airport… getting ready to leave with no!!! confirmed!!! ticket!!! my flight was quite early in the morning so i was at the airport overnight and it was like around 11:30pm when i was doing homework and i got a notification on my phone… thinking it was just some random notification when in reality, I GOT MY CONFIRMED TICKET FOR THE APPLE MUSIC EVENT :’) it’s a blur to me bc it happened so fast and so suddenly but all i remember was that my jaw literally dropped for the longest time and my hands were shaking so badly bc i cOULDN’T BELIEVE IT??? i wasn’t able to sleep that entire night nor was i able to sleep on the plane from all the adrenaline so that saturday really was an interesting day for me LOL anywho i made it to la safe and sound and spent saturday and sunday hanging out with my friends while we prepared for monday :’)

ok so then despite getting tickets, we had no idea where the location of this event was going to be bc 1iota (the event organizer) wasn’t going to release the information until 10am monday morning and we were planning on waiting in line like early early to get a good spot so we had to be ready and out of the house by 9am!!! bUT WAIT!!! 9am was also when the english version of the mv was going to be released so me and kellie were both !!! bc we wanted to gif the mv so bad!!! so now at this point it’s like 7am and we’re all like half awake trying frantically to get ready and i’m over here trying to stream nct on the radio and listen to the world release of regular eng ver and then somewhere in between all of this, both kellie and tracey ended up getting their emails for confirmed tickets too??? so yeah at this point all three of us are running around like crazy ppl bc we weren’t expecting all of us to go but now all 3 of us get to go!!! so yeah i brought my laptop with me and tried to gif in the car but the connection from my hotspot was so slow so i just sat and cried instead :-) ALSO!!! remember how information about the location was supposed to be released at 10am? yeah well they changed it on us again!!! they delayed it to 2pm so at this point me and kellie rly wanted to d*e bc we did all of that rushing for nothing omfg but fast forward to 2pm, they released the information for the location and since we were already in the hollywood area we went there right away so when we lined up, we were like number 10 in line!!! :D

i wasn’t able to eat at all that entire day just bc i was so stressed and so nervous from everything that the hunger didn’t hit me til like 20 mins before the actual event omg ;;;; i remember saying “omg i’m so hungry” and the girl beside me was like “well sweetie, you’re about to be fed real good rn” and i just died laughing oh my god but yeah i had a priority ticket so i was let in around 7:30pm-ish and the event started at 8! i got barricade again just like last time at kcon ny, my view was reeeeeeally good!! ! i would say even better than kcon’s even tho i was front and center for kcon ;;; back when we were in line, the event organizers kept asking us how we were doing and each time i would tell them that i was super nervous and they’d ask why and i would explain that i just get super nervous before seeing nct omg it’s really true tho idk what it is but i just feel so QUEASY before seeing them… like the fact that you go from seeing them from your screen to seeing them in front of you is just a very STRANGE FEELING FOR ME OK but they kept repeating how we were all going to have a good time and that the space inside was super small so it’s going to be nice and intimate with them and they said how no matter what spot you get, you’re still going to be super close to them… one of the staff members was like “you’re going to be so close to them they’re going to sweat on you” AND GOD THIS JUST MADE ME EVEN MORE NERVOUS KASDJKSAJDKAJDKA

OK ANYWAYS ENOUGH OF THAT, ONTO THE ACTUAL CONCERT! when we got in, the event was actually on a rooftop and so the scenery behind the stage was just soooooo pretty and then they had a playlist of their songs playing in the bg and it was just really nice to listen and enjoy while we waited for them to come out :’) the members kept hiding behind this door and some of them started waving and they were all teasing us so hard bc the moment we saw someone there, we would all start screaming and they just wouldn’t stop :’) then they finally played the apple music documentary video for us and i just remember all of us screaming a lot LOL but then the lights went off again and then we all watched them walk onto the stage one by one and oh my GOD the wait for them to finally start just felt like forever and then next thing i know, the sirens went off and all i hear is “GET IT LIFTED” and then firetruck started omg i was trying to get jaehyun’s attention but then mr. nakamoto yuta… YUTA… looked over on our side and me and him made eye contact for a good solid 3 seconds and i just about lost my shit omg… HE IS SO INSANELY GORGEOUS IN REAL LIFE I WAS RLY GOIN THRU IT… JAEHYUN WHO??? AND THEN HAECHAN OMG… haechan came over to our side like 75% of the time and he is the cutest, most adorable person on this planet!!! he was always smiling and waving and i really can’t think of anything else to describe him other than the sun bc he quite literally was shining that night!!! i think it was halfway through firetruck that we started to realize that the stage was like… a little slippery??? but it wasn’t until limitless started where we really noticed the members starting to slip and stumble here and there ;; also there’s this one part where jaehyun went up super close to me during limitless and i about died… i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again but even after seeing him irl, HE IS SO HANDSOME IT’S UNREAL… HIS VISUALS ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD but yeah the staff members would go on stage after each song to try their best to dry the stage but for some reason that wasn’t enough ;; i have no idea why the stage was so slippery but my guess was that it was pretty cool up on the rooftop and with the amount of people there, there was so much body heat in the air and then that mixed with the cool air = condensation??? i also think the shoes the members were wearing had like absolutely no friction at the bottom so it made them slip even more ;; they were also using a fog machine too but idk if that was actually the reason why the stage was so slipper omg but yeah after firetruck, they performed limitless and then they had a small ment here and mark talked about how it was a very special day for them (bc they just came straight from performing at jimmy kimmel too) and then johnny screamed something along the words of being apple music’s next up next artist and he was just so happy!!!! and then mark said that they’ve got october all to themselves and they were so happy to be able to be here with all of the fans! jaehyun also said that the place was so wonderful and said all the fans there were so wonderful and johnny came in to say that they had rehearsals the night before but being there with all the fans, it was a totally different feeling ;~; after that they performed touch and then when it came to cherry bomb (OT10 VER WITH JUNGWOO BTW), this was when things started to look a little :/// bc taeyong had already fell back during touch and at this point i was already beyond worried bc i would rather have them stop the whole thing all together rather than have them risk getting injured just to perform for us??? i shouted so many times to “be careful” in both korean and english T________T IT WAS LIKE THE DREAM CONCERT ALL OVER AGAIN WHEN THEY PERFORMED IN THE RAIN not to mention they had comeback promotions to do once they back to korea too so i rly just wanted them to stop ;;; i also think the members were all starting to get a little discouraged from all the slipping and stumbling during each performance and it kinda just looked like they were all really sad that they couldn’t put on a perfect performance ;; at this point the stage was soooooo slippery and i think they were more focused on not falling rather than performing and my heart rly just was in pieces ;;; taeyong fell again in cherry bomb during the leg split dance and it looked so painful oh my god i was just so WORRIED and i wanted it all to stop so bad ;~; but after cherry bomb ended, i think the members went back down to talk to the staff and then they came back up with different shoes! but finally!!! alas, they performed regular!!! since they switched shoes, the performance went pretty smoothly so i felt a little at ease! taeil, doyoung and mark were still wearing their original shoes so there were a few times when they slipped a little but thank god none of them actually fell ;; despite the song being a released earlier that morning, a lot of the fans did really well in learning the fanchants and singing along with the boys so i think it really helped in boosting the members’ confidence after the prior performances ;; there was a small ment here and doyoung talked and johnny translated it saying how basically the members felt really apologetic that they couldn’t put on good performances bc of the slippery stage and i was yelling with all the energy i had left in my that it was ok!!! that they were doing amazing and that they shouldn’t feel sorry!!! IT WAS KILLING ME INSIDE THAT THEY FELT THIS ASKDJKASDJAKJSDKD I WANTED TO ACTUALLY D*E but then they promised they’d come back to show an even better performance and doyoung held up his lil pinky!!! and then johnny asked how taeyong was doing and he answered back “i’m okay!!!” IN THE CUTEST WAY POSSIBLE… I JUST WANTED TO GIVE HIM ONE BIG FAT HUG T________________T and then taeyong said the last mission they had left was to take a picture with the fans and took out the selfie stick to take a picture with everyone! it was so cute TwT

but yeah, overall the whole experience was really really amazing minus the slippery stage and for the most part, i was really impressed with how organized 1iota was! i’m really grateful i got to be apart of it and it still feels like a dream that i got to attend the event and see them perform and promote their new album here in america!!! they were amazing performers and did so well despite everything! i was really really proud of them ;; anyways, thank you to everyone that made it this far!!! i hope you enjoyed this fan account! i know it’s a super long post but if i don’t write it all out now while it’s still somewhat fresh in my mind, i’m going to forget it by the end of the month so i hope you all understand! thank you so much! ♡

#personal #it’s kinda like really long so only read it if ur interested LOL

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transcriptroopers · 8 years ago

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Regarding Veteran’s Day

So it’s Veteran’s Day! 11/11 huh? Sometimes that brings back memories. I was in JROTC in high school and they organized the schools at these events every year. It was optional, but I attended every single Veteran’s Day memorial service, whether it was being on color guard or just showing up to stand with my fellow cadets in uniform. Some would leave as soon as the ceremony was done, but I loved to make the rounds and talk to the aging vets who came to speak at the ceremonies. I actually made my mom take me to it every year, and that is impressive for me because my mother was pretty abusive and I hated asking her for anything :’)

I hope all of my vet followers are gonna have a rad day. It’s Saturday! The world is at your finger tips. Spend time with friends and family; reflect on the good in your life.

and most importantly

As soon as the clock turned midnight, I knew it was Veteran’s Day. That’s because my passengers (I’m a Lyft driver) started giving me the ol’ “thank you for your service” (to which I always respond: “and thank you for yours!” because I choose to hear it as “thank you, a Lyft driver, for performing this service) razzle-dazzle but pumped up to eleven. And yeah, I bring it upon myself by even saying it. Somehow the passengers who want to converse with me always wind up asking me how I moved to the area or what kind of work I did, and having lived a pretty uneventful life I always wind up mentioning the army. But it’s not just Lyft, right? It’s like I can’t escape it. Every year I’m getting bombarded with e-mails, news articles, tumblr posts, webcomics, “thanking me for my service” and talking about how golly-gosh-darn much they respect the military and those noble folks who serve. I have some words that are part advice and part cry for help. I hope I’m understood, but this is personal for me, so it’s inevitably biased. Whether you read or skip, thank you for your continued support and appreciation, and I hope you appreciate my new URL based on the anti-fascist cult classic Starship Troopers.

— “Thank you for your service” isn’t common courtesy whenever you see a soldier. It’s just something civilians say because they’ve been taught all their lives to hero worship the military no matter what. The only ones who like you doing it are the ones who especially don’t need it – those who have some sort of superiority/martyr complex about being in military. Please don’t enforce this kind of culture. And I’m not saying “be disrespectful.” Just talk to veterans like normal people, yeah?

Other things NOT to say: • What did you do over there? • Did you kill/shoot anyone? • Did you like it? • So you’re probably in favor of -most recent military newspiece- • My so-and-so is in the military, so a) I’m going to talk about that for twenty minutes because I’m sure you appreciate hearing about other people in the military/ b) I 100% understand what you all go through. • That’s so brave/selfless/patriotic/courageous of you (to join) • So how much did they fuck you up/so did it leave it in one piece/other euphemisms for “are you disabled now and how?” • Me: “Oh, I was in the army.” You: *loud screeching, cheering, clapping, and wooing* (This is embarrassingly common in Lyfts). Please also don’t…run up to us suddenly and ask to shake our hands? Or just thrust your hand out and hope we reciprocate without even getting our attention? What are you doing??

Things that are okay to say: • Can I ask about your time in service? <— for real though like…stop assuming every vet wants to talk to you about everything they ever did in the military. • Were you stationed anywhere cool? <— gives vet option to omit assignments they don’t want to talk about/allows vet to decline to answer. people usually just straight up hit me with “where were you stationed?” like it’s an interrogation and like… no offense but ?? • Did you hear about -insert military news here-? <— vets aren’t a hive mind. We don’t always know what every other branch of the military is up to. People hit me with “What did you think about that x that happened in y because of z?” Also I once casually mentioned I spent a year in South Korea and got back “Oh man so you probably have the inside scoop on North Korea and everything huh?” and like…bro vets usually aren’t much more informed than civilians about military maneuvers tbh like sometimes they’re less informed because they think they don’t HAVE to be. And like…just in case I haven’t made it clear in the past, the vast majority of soldiers will never be in combat and they will never so much as aim their weapon at another person, let alone fire it. Somehow so many civilians seem to think soldiers shooting people is inevitable; i wonder why…

If you are with or know a veteran and you’re going to a restaurant courtesy of the now popular ploy of offering freebies on the 11th, be sure to

A. Tip on the original amount. Servers get fucking screwed on V-Day because veterans get their whole meal for free and tip on the cost of the drinks. Don’t be that asshole. B. Don’t engage the server with military stories or solicit perks because they’re “serving a hero.” They’re busy. They have four hundred other heroes to serve today who aren’t going to be tipping them and who expect way more respect given than they give in return so eat your free frozen spaghetti with microwaved meatballs and leave. C. On that last note consider just…NOT going to these restaurants?? Come on; they’re all overpriced and shitty chains and franchises with frozen food, they usually only offer you some partial free item or something from a list of like three super-limited entrees, and they want you to come and get a free meal so your friends and family feel obligated to come along and they have to purchase their meals and it’s really not about helping or appreciating veterans it’s about drawing business. Excluding poor veterans because free food is free food I get it. D. Consider giving your leftovers or perhaps your full free meal to a homeless person. Personally this is how I’m going to be spending V-Day; I’ll be going restaurant to restaurant for anyone who’ll give me that free food to go, and then I’ll just pass it out to the innumerable homeless lined up in my area. And no, not specifically homeless veterans. All homeless deserve to eat. I mention this specifically because I had a conversation recently with a Lyft passenger about how I thought it would be better to give all of this free food to homeless instead of soldiers, (because hint hint - active duty soldiers are veterans, and they’re getting this free food despite already having their every need provided for) and I was told that many homeless people are veterans, so it works out in the wash. • It can be hard to keep track of the dates when you’re homeless. You’re assuming they’ll know it’s the 11th to begin with, or that they’ll have access to the knowledge of which restaurants are offering deals. • Homeless people usually have to walk to get around, and the U.S. is not very accessible on foot. So you’re assuming that homeless person even has access to a restaurant offering this deal. • These deals usually require that you purchase a drink or something, and drinks can be upwards of $3. It’s like the only stipulation for it being “free” and it specifically inhibits homeless accessibility. • Homeless are not welcome in society. A homeless person, even a vet, walking into a restaurant for a free meal is facing a lot of risk; at the very least the staff will probably treat them poorly, at the worst they’ll be kicked out, especially if they try to use the bathroom because everyone assumes they’re doing drugs in there and not, you know, the thing we all have to do five times a day. • Trust me, I’ve gone to a lot of these free meal things. There ain’t no mass movement of homeless vets lining up to get that free food. Besides, if society wanted homeless vets to get the food, they would target homeless vets and low-income vets; not try to bribe people to bring their family to Applebee’s. And finally if you weren’t convinced • You need to have proof that you’re prior military to get that food. And not just like your old dog tags or being able to recall your time in service. You need a military I.D or a DD 214, the paper that officially releases you from service. How many homeless vets do you think are carrying around their discharge paperwork from decades ago? Does everyone on the streets have a valid ID? Dude some homeless don’t remember their goddamn names. Get a fuckin’ clue. In short

Happy Veterans Day. I hope all other veterans have a nice day. Please don’t hero worship soldiers. Please treat us like people. Please also look back on the lives lost in unethical political wars, illegal invasions, hostile takeovers, foreign overthrow of governments, and the ever-present “collateral” damage that is still murdering innocent civilians in the form of hushed up drone strikes. Please consider how the United States has been at war for 222 years out of its current 239 years of existence. Doesn’t that seem weird? Almost unreal? Like something out of a dystopian novel? Ask yourself why this holiday began as a remembrance of the dead and the celebration of the end of the Great War, a global day to celebrate world peace, and ask why it is that other parts of the world still know it as such while America’s 222 years of war has caused it to instead hail the tools of those wars. A final statement: there is currently nothing to thank your military for.

-Kingsley

#veterans day #military #army #navy #marines #air force

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literallyprentissstwin · 8 years ago

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BROKEN TRUST - Aaron Hotchner x Emily Prentiss

this was requested by @lesbian-asajj aka @ssaunitchief <3

Prompt: #28 - “I thought we were family.”

Characters: Aaron Hotchner x Emily Prentiss, mention of Jack, Scratch and the team of season 13

Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, SCRATCH the dick

A/N: okay first of all, this is shit and i´m sorry if it sucks but i needed to get my frustrations out into this world. i know that it´s 100% not Hotch´s fault that the writers didn´t let him appear after the whol scratch thing but this is my go on angry emily who can´t understand why hotch didn´t come over lol. so i hope you enjoy and feedback is appreciated! also sorry if this is kind of short, i tried my best :)

“It´s over?”, Hotch asked over the phone, tears of relief gathering in his eyes.

“Yes, it´s over. Scratch is dead, he can´t do any more harm.”, Emily stated.

“Good..that´s good...I mean..are you guys okay?”, the former unit chief wanted to know.

“Yeah...we are as okay as possible. It´s still unreal that we lost Stephen because of all this. And Luke´s still feeling bad for killing Scratch though he did nothing wrong.”

“And how are you holding up? I mean after all, Scratch kidnapped you, I can´t imagine what he did to you..”, Hotch asked concerned and was met with silence.

“I´m okay...really. I´m struggling to actually deal with the fact that I´m responsible for Stephen´s death, it´s my fault because I brought him on the team. And about Scratch...yeah, it was pretty scary. He got deeper into my mind like I´d care to admit, but I live, I´m gonna be okay. After all I have 6 weeks off and time to recover.”, she answered, laughing slightly, trying to cover up the pain which was audible in her voice. The whole ordeal evolving Scratch had gotten more to her than she would truly admit.

“Emily, you need to believe that all of this is not your fault. No one is blaming you for the actions you did or for what happened. You´re only human and sometimes, life sucks. It´s not your fault, the team doesn´t blame you, Monica doesn´t blame you.”

“But I blame me.....no way around this, Aaron.”, the unit chief sighed, “it will take some time for the pain to subside but I´ll be fine.”

“I know you will, Em. You were always way stronger than I was. You´ll get through this, you´ve got the team.”, he said, smiling at the memory of his friends and former co-workers.

“Yes, and soon, you and Jack will be back with us.”, she replied, sounding exited. Now that Scratch was gone, Hotch and Jack could finally come back to where they truly belong.

“Yeah..about that...I think it´s for the best if Jack and I stay here.”

“W-what? Why?”

“It´s not that I don´t miss you guys or the job. I just don´t want to put Jack through another change. He already had too much in his life. And after everything, we finally settled. Jack finally found friends over here, I got a decent job, everything seems fine. I don´t want to rip him out of his environment again.”

“B-But...you´ll come over and meet up with us soon right because the team misses you. I miss you.”

“I´m hoping to. I´m really busy at the moment and I just want you guys to rest okay? I don´t wanna be a bother.”

“Wow, I thought we were family, Hotch. Maybe I was wrong..”, Emily said, feeling slightly angry. She could totally understand that he and Jack would stay over where they were, but that he didn´t want to come over to meet the team was not understandable to her.

“Emily, no, that´s not what I meant. It´s just...I need to explain everything to Jack, I need to get some off days...I really wanna see you guys again..I really do..”

“I get it, Aaron, it´s fine. You have a new life over there, it´s okay. I just thought we meant something to you. But seems like I am wrong.”

“No, Emily..no, you got it wrong..”

“Anyway, I need to go. I wish you guys the best and say Hi to Jack from me. I love you.”, and with this Emily ended the call. There was so much left she wanted to tell him, but she just couldn´t. She know had to deal with the fact that she had lost the one person she loved and trusted forever and this was more than she could ever take.

Angrily, Emily wiped away the tears as she got up to go and meet the team in the conference room. They deserved to know.

@illegalcerebral @ultrarebelheart @dontshootmespence @obsessed5sosfreak @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @imagicana @marvelfanlife @milkandcookies528 @liz-a-22 @sunreid @donuts1324 @amaybedeadcat @mybabys-gunsandroses @littledizzyhurricane @telominasansia @shaelyn102 @shiningmish @michellelisa @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @fl0werb0nes18 @ceciliawho @butsomeofusarelookingatthestars @anton-shudders @sayernita @rubenlosthischeeks @jessiedangerous @rainbows-are-fantastic @ssa-aaronhotchner @veroinnumera @acespence @captainreid @ssaunitchief

-unedited and the story sucks sorry-

#criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fanfiction #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner fanfiction #emily prentiss imagine #emily prentiss fanfiction #aaron hotchner x emily prentiss #hotchniss imagine #hotchniss fanfiction

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survivorreelsmagicwithin · 5 years ago

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Episode 11- “we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon”-Lily

I am literally so shook LOL, I don't know what just happened but... Dan used his idol on me and I wish he would have stayed because comp queen... I am not. I KNOW I am going to be the next to go if I don't win the next immunity challenge and I just don't know which of these fakes to put my trust in. I HONESTLY went back to Landen and Lily and intend to keep it that way because I don't know what kind of fuckery just happened with everyone else. AND CHIPS IF YOU WROTE MY NAME DOWN AFTER WE PROMISED NOT TO WRITE EACH OTHERS NAMES.... jk LOL. I went from like sobbing last week to laughing this week, I am a MESS.

3 minutes later

TOUCHY SUBJECTS!! This is going to be my comp to win because I have a method with this one that NEVER fails me when I use it. To do it I just have to be INSANELY honest and then just get into the head of everyone else. I write everyone's name down that is still in the game and I figure out what each person would say for each question and then I tally it up! LOOK at me being all cocky and confident about it, watch me lose now, LOL.

1 hour later

I really hope I win this challenge so I won't join Owen and Dan in the jury anytime soon. This one is another one that I feel like Jules will do really good on, so there is that. She, Landen and Lily are the ONLY ones that have talked to me after tribal. Also did I mentioned I left the alliance chat I made with Landen and Lily then made a new one, LOL. I promise I'm only this crazy when I play Survivor, I have no chill, I'm either dead and float to the end or I'm chaotic and jump from person to person and burn bridges and play BADLY like a crazy person.

when two idols get played and you accidentally send out a frenemy lmaaaaoo ily Dan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOcx0U-XVpA

ok now on to the show

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1j3uV5Zc49fbFH4xLK-L0JQX82xsiA1dq/view?usp=sharing

dear diary, what the FUCK! i disassociate for one (1) day and everything goes bonkers.. all i can say is that i'm glad landen trusts me so much because whew.. what a messy man. but i love everything about him.. CFHGVJBKN no but for realsies this vote was CRAZY. but one of the biggest threats in this game.. at least to me just got out SOOO. i am thriving. i honestly think i'm genuinely in a really good position in this game because voting for ruthie last round secures my trust with so many people in this game.. aka autumn, lily AND while landen already trusts me so much <3 im even in more good graces with him by keeping in someone so close to him even though im still hmmm. on how close him and lily are. it's scary but.. i know he holds me dearly to him too so boom? UM! i don't know. working with jules and kevin is reassuring too.. chips and i are tight always.. the only people i don't talk to are joanna and ruthie but i don't think that will affect me in an matter. so. smiles.

HA!!! I may have had the most OTT confessionals ever last round but look who gets the last laugh?? LANDEN GETS THE LAST LAUGH! Because I was RIGHT. I knew that something was going on and something mysterious was being planned, I was utterly confused as to why this shit was happening around me, and I knew these people were off. I said They are PLAYING ME and why do I not know what's going on, there's something shady happening... And yes there was. I have to thank Kevin for making the dumbest move he could possibly make, which is to tell me and Lily. Sorry Kevin but you fucked me over twice and I'm not good with that, I'm not okay with his double dealing anymore! :) He was playing the middle and he got caught and If I want to make sure that Lily and myself continue to get through votes... That's the card I have to play. Last night I was working overtime as hard as possible to convince Chips and Autumn that they need to split the votes onto Ruthie and Dan, and to do that I was throwing Ruthie and Kevin under the bus. Oooops! Then they made it super easy by telling me the vote was on Lily which gave me the ammunition to flip things on Ruthie. Kevin might think it was just for that round, but I'm so glad, because this vote finally put me in a position of a tiny bit of power, I think. I'm still not like, RUNNING things, but I got an alliance of 5 and I think we really do have motivation to stick together, at least for now, and take Kevin and Ruthie OUT of this game. If I can just do that, that sets me up really well for the final stages of this game. I have to take out the double agents, get rid of the double dealing, set up this vote CLEAR, because I don't have an idol for protection anymore. Speaking of which... Yes I guess you could consider that a waste, but it wasn't like Lily got NO votes. I knew she would be getting 2 for sure, and I only knew for sure that Dan was getting 1. I was not going to risk Lily's life on the fluke possibility that there would be 2 or 3 Dan votes or that people would revote out Dan over Lily. No way. Lily is not only a huge shield for me in this game because of her social game, connections, and strategic prowess (she'd be more threatening than me in any FTC i think which makes people want to go for her instead of me), but she's someone who's ALWAYS going to have my back in this game. That is extremely powerful, I don't know if most people realize how powerful it is for someone to always have your back and be giving you information, that kind of relationship is necessary in Survivor and it always gives a type of power that could help me go on to win this game. And honestly, the more people think I'm playing FOR lily and that they shouldn't respect my game bc a lot of it is in the name of helping her and i BOTH get through things, they're wrong, but the better they think that bc that just helps make me seem a little less threatening and a little more like the ideal Buddy to take into Final Tribal Council! Where I hopefully have the story and the moves to wreck any opponent sans Autumn, Jules, Kevin, maaaaybe juls who all obviously cannot be allowed to make it there. :P I feel MUCH better about my spot in the game now. MARSHMALLOW MOVES BABY

INCH RESTING that only Landen, Lily and Jules have talked to me one on one since last night. They are the ones that I was most wary of last round but I rely a lot on the of the social aspect of this game and if these people are too scared to talk to me after voting for me I'm not going to feel bad if I vote for them, haha. I really have a good feeling about this challenge and I am once again praying to the survivor gods that I manage to pull out a win. I NEED this.

I hate touchy subjects, I have never won it. Also last vote was a mess, two idols were played and that is insane. I was added really late to this new alliance chat and like okay cool, but I know I'm on the bottom of that alliance and they are trying to tell me that kevin is a snake but i trust kevin and like i can't go against that alliance because they are majority and tbh i'm not 100% sure who is all IN that alliance, they just told me to vote ruthie and i did and then she didn't even go home. i have voted for ruthie twice now and ruthie has gone home zero times, i'm worried she is going to come for me, but i've just been trying to vote with majority my guys

The anxiety I feel before immunity results is UNREAL in this game, haha. I have a really strong feeling that I won this one... and I am usually wrong when I start thinking that but I just HOPE that I did, I need this to squeak by. I'm not really sure what I am going to do going forward, I feel like if I win this round I can either a) Cause a lot of ruckus and spill everyones tea when they finally decide to talk game with me or b) Have complete loyalty to Landen and Lily and just do whatever the heck they want to do to show that I AM loyal. I swear, every time I see I have a new Skype notification I refresh the blog to see if it is the results... and no luck. Yet. Okay the people in the Atomic VL really need to stop so I will stop getting notifications, LOL. HARDLY ANYONE talks in this game right before results so I just have to deal with my anxiety over the results right here in my confessional. I am also searching and I'm mad at myself for remembering to search so late bc I doubt there will be time for me to look right before tribal tomorrow. I think?? That I might be onto something. At the three broomsticks you can ask for drinks but there was an option to get a room and I'm HOPING that if I do that I will get one of those passes where I get to skedaddle before tribal. I mean, it makes sense to me but it is probably going to be NOTHING. And it was nothing and I also DID NOT win immunity, grrr. LOL. I was actually way off and I can't wait to see what everyone said for everything. OKAY at least I got the one about me being the biggest liar right.

I'm not sure if i'm making moves or if my seeds are planting... but autumn has more social ties in this game than i do right now... and landen is playing a fantastic game from what i can tell. that's dangerous to keep around. i think he has a real shot at winning. and i don't want to be a goat. but every time i have had an agenda i have fought for it, just since merge hit, everyone who has been targeted i didn't care if they went. no agenda, no feisty joanna. but i'm creating an agenda... and i think landen might be my target... sorry b, just i want me to win this thing more than i want you to but... i also think that kevin is doing wonderfully. if i have any chance at this thing, which maybe i don't, landen and kevin both need to go.

I am fine with every touchy subjects answer I got... for the MOST part. Wouldn't bring home to your family? That's fine, I'm loud, aggressive, in your face with my opinions, boldly passionate, etc etc. They had to choose someone and I totally understand why they would pick me for that. Thinks he's running the game, I mean, I think it's obvious I DON'T think that, by how paranoid and messy I was scrambling the last couple votes, but I also know I come off as very pretentious and arrogant with having information, and have been on the right side of every vote, so I understand that people would put that about me. Loudest, DUH! Host favorite and juiciest confessionals I DEFINITELY don't agree with lol, I can be very boring and rambly, and I know yall dont like me TOO much. But Biggest villain... BIGGEST VILLAIN?!?! ARE YOU FOR REAL? ARE YOU FOR REAL, GIRL, ARE WE FOR REAL?? SOMEONE LIED TO HER SEVERAL TIMES. WHERE was the villainous behavior. WHERE WAS IT?!?!? I am one of the ONLY people in this game who has sold almost NOBODY out and who has almost NEVER lied. I sold ONE person out, and that was Ruthie. Who, might I remind you, BETRAYED HUFFLEPUFF before I did that, and NEVER established a 1-on-1 alliance with me, EVER, or even a smaller alliance with me. So it was hardly even a betrayal, especially as I was fighting to SURVIVE sdkfdskf. I played an IDOL for my closest ally, I spiraled as hard as possible to change the votes for every ally who was in serious danger, and I consistently did everything I can to do the right thing in this game instead of being a cutthroat mastermind like SOME PEOPLE (Jules, Kevin, im looking at you assholes!) AND SOMEHOW IM THE VILLAIN!??! I just... LOL. Girl where? Where am I the villain of the season? I'm definitely no OTTP hero, that's Lily, but as her designated sidekick I should at least be MORM! I mean, come on! As far as Kevin winning immunity and a bunch of other good superlatives, sigh. It's very questionable and makes me sketched the hell out. I wanna push on Jules but I feel like I'm gonna have to just push on Ruthie again, and I'm pretty sure that now that I'm without the idol I'll be going home bc of the stunt I pulled last time, soooo... Yeeeah. That's that. I'll definitely push what I can tmrw tho, but for the most part I'm just gonna focus on school and my new cat collecting game, the game has been rly cute though so far and hopefully I find some way to stay.

look at me... number crunching like i can do math

I'm pretty sure that if Dan knew I just told Landen and Lily about the power he sent me- the anonymous note thing- he would break into hogwarts to yell at me. I told them merely to establish a trust with them again because staying tight with them may be my only shot to actually make it to the end.

I'm so furious Kevin won immunity, because I had the perfect shot to go for him. I'm so angry. I'm so UPSET. I'm like.... WHEW i'm mad. It's so exhausting feeling like you're on the bottom every, single, round, no matter what happens, no matter how much you do to prove your loyalty and try to find an in with people, all it does is continually push you down even worse. I get ignored all day then I get called pushy and paranoid for asking why it's happening and trying to come up with a plan, then to make it worse I get labelled as "Villain of the Season". Like.... wtf? I guess I'm a villain for daring to try and survive and protect Lily, that makes me soooo evil and such a big bad, I guess I'm a villain for selling out Ruthie who never ever made an alliance with me and turned on me first, I guess I'm a villain for turning on Kevin after he consistently lies to me all day and plays the middle just to put me on the bottom, like, that's not a real ally. A real ally does whatever they can to do what is in the best interest of themselves AND their ally. They consider what's good for eachother. Kevin and others have proven to me at basically every single turn that they just consider me an extra vote, and, let's make this clear, an extra vote they don't even like. They use me because they know I'm a loyal player, and when they backstab me they get angry that I retaliate and do what I can to further my own position. It's just like extremely mind boggling and these are the type of mind games that wear me out so much because this game just psychologically is like brutal. It wears me down a lot and I'm just trying to keep a clear head about all this and find some way to stay afloat in the game and keep bearing a smile but it's honestly really really hard and at this point I don't know how much energy I have left to keep giving every tribal 150% at the last 30 minutes just to barely survive. Especially without an idol, like i'm just.. sigh. It's a lot but I'm going to keep giving it everything i have, because if there's one thing I don't know how to do, it's give up or lay down, even when all signs point to just settling and being quiet. It's not in my blood and I gotta play this game like me even if it makes me lose. A win is not worth compromising myself for, I'll never feel good about a victory that I feel like I abandoned myself to earn.

And here we are at a stand still again. I feel like I’m in one of those old westerns but I’m out there with my gun in my holster ready to go and everybody else is at the saloon. Tumbleweeds go by and I’m like hello? Anybody there? Anyway... Landen is losing it. I’m here trying to keep hope and keeping my fingers crossed that my chills vibes get through on this holiday. So the past two tribals, despite being some of the most stressful of my whole life, have gone my way somehow. And I don’t think I’m appearing as too big of a threat at this point but what am I kidding I got votes last time. I have two alliances going which is more than I usually have. I continue to have the desire to stay hufflepuff strong despite voting for ruthie on the last vote. I also have an alliance with landen, Joanna, autumn, and chips. It’s an interesting group to say the least and I can’t say I fully trust the group. Autumn came forward as voting for dan at the last one and while I appreciate the honesty it does continue to make me weary of Autumn. I also think Dan was the one to start a vote on me and he may have been getting some traction on it but it fizzled. I hope that someone else doesn’t start to catch on to how suave I am and vote me out. I’d like to at least make it to my lucky 7 spot at this point! This vote I think the best outcome would be Jules going. I have the least amount of strategic conversation with her so that would be ideal at this point. If it’s ruthie...I don’t want to vote her but I can’t risk getting myself voted out defending her. Shout out to you Ruthie. Best of luck. And we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon...

can't believe the entire old hufflepuff tribe (minus Max) is back in an alliance together again. I can't trust any of them as far as I can throw them but I love it. In other news, someone started a rumor that Chips told me to vote for Jules?? and he DID NOT. But he is also not talking to me right now anymore. I don't want to vote Jules, I am NOT voting Jules. Jules also said she is not voting me but idk that I can trust it or not. NO ONE is talking game right now besides me, Kevin, Lily and Landen. Chips was talking to me earlier and so were Juls and Jules but none of them really knew a name and this is just a MESS. I'm just trying not to get into any drama because I'm already branded as the biggest liar on the tribe when there are some people around here that have lied A LOT more than I have!! US TALKING GAME AND LILY RANDOMLY POPPING IN AFTER BEING MIA FOR AWHILE IN WITH- HAHAHAHAH okay edited, I cannot say what she said but I AM DEAD.. it includes the party emoji. I AM DEAD LOL, oh my god. I can't stop laughing. ANYWAY. So, Autumn says that the vote was Jules and now it is Chips?? SO BOTH SIDES ARE VOTING THE SAME? I'm so shook right now but this is good news! I feel bad because Chips and I DID have a really good conversation today but if he was the one that just stirred all this shit up he needs to go. I need a moment of peace!

well. people be lyin to me. so. anyways. im tired. THESE PPL BE DOIN!!!!! THE MOST!!!!

i’m betraying the alliance i came into merge with while trying to keep it together. how does one convince someone to vote with them while pretending they don’t know anything?

TOO MUCH INFO TOO LITTLE TIME ILL DO ANOTHER ONE AFTER TRIBAL

Tribal has been wild this round. Kevin won the challenge so he's immune. The new alliance I'm in wants to vote Jules because they are a powerhouse in all three categories - social, strategic, and challenges. Anyway, I told Jules I would tell them if I ever heard their name. I wanted to stick to that so I told them. I guess that was a mistake because they asked who from and I was already told they were working closely with Kevin so I just said Kevin. And then really shook them and I think they were shocked because Kevin is their final 2 (most likely) - anyway I didn't know what to say when they asked "From him?" because he never talks game with me. EVER. Luckily I got busy with life so I didn't have to respond... when I get back to my computer though apparently Jules has started asking why their name is being said to Landen and Lily and a conversation that I have had with Ruthie makes them suspicious that I am also telling Ruthie so the "loose lips sink ships" comes into play. Anyway, I definitely didn't actually say anything to Ruthie at all so I put that fire out. Then I try to tiptoe around the fact that I told Jules and Landen comes to the conclusion that Ruthie MUST be close with them if Jules knows because Juls might have talked to Ruthie about the vote. In the meantime our alliance comes up with a plan to throw me under the bus to Jules as well as for me to do the opposite to either Ruthie or Landen. For fear of an idol. All this drama happens and then I have to tell Jules that Kevin didn't say it and that someone else told me that Kevin had said it and they ask who... and then follow it up by telling me that Landen has been throwing me under the bus saying I'm lying and that they need to vote me. I guess our plan has started. I let Jules know that it was Landen who wanted to vote them. And then Jules comes to the conclusion that Landen is the common factor in these stories and asks if I want to vote for him. I agree because he has been trying to have me murdered and voted out all while at the same time planning to vote for Jules anyway. This plan is so eccentric and weird and nothing like I have ever done on Survivor. I felt so bad when I didn't tell Jules that they were being targeted for the vote but did not want to open this can of worms. Kind of hoping I get blindsided so I don't have to live with the guilt. But then also sort of hoping it works just because it is such a cool and fun thing we have done.

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fallingforsincerity · 5 years ago

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massive brain dump

it’s been a while since i had these thoughts resurface. Maybe because I had some more free time thanks to covid19 to think or maybe because it’s also Pride month. who knows. have a lot of rambling to get out of my head.

As someone who is trans but has not transition, sometimes you get many feelings and you need validation. what better way to get that but by watching youtube videos lol. There is something validating to hear someone say that your experience as being trans is valid no matter who says otherwise. Like how can it not when we all live in so different circumstances and environments. I get it, being passing to cis people feels good but not every has that opportunity nor cares. End of the day the moment some shitty cis person finds out your trans, nothing and I mean nothing can make them look at you the same ever again. Watching that youtube video, I didn’t realize that there are trans people out there that if you don’t experience dysphoria that the way they felt then your feelings and experiences aren’t validated. Like I’m sorry are you the gender police??? Like life is hard already trying to get cis people to understand and now I gotta deal with people who stand at the same side, who’d you think would understand the struggle, be part of the struggle. Like i’m sorry I didn’t get the gender handbook when I was born, didn’t know there was rules to follow in order to be considered trans. Not to say their feelings of dysphoria and needing to pass aren’t valid, of course they are. But doesn’t mean i agree with the one track mindedness about being trans. Because my experiences and environment shaped that. Does it mean I’m less queer or less trans than other people? Heck no! There is no lgbtq+ scale where you step on and you get a rating. like ah yes you are a 5 out 5 trans because you met all our trans criteria. Does this not sound like the stupidest thing???

rambly rambly rambly rambly

i don’t often talk about being trans....just because for me it’s kind of an uncomfortable topic. To the general public I look like a “feminine/ pretty boy” and don’t have to deal with the whole “oh you’re trans” situation, so for me to go out of my way to be out as trans to people I know, is very awk and makes me uncomfortable. Luckily because this tumblr and I don’t necessarily mention my tumblr to people I know, I’m not as scared or uncomfortable talking to strangers on the internet who may never know me in real life about this kind of thing. It’s pretty freeing tbh. I think the hardest part is because I haven’t fully transition that as an adult having to deal with workspaces and paper work gives me anxiety. The one thing I deff loved about being in art college was that I was able to live my life and because there are so many different people with such open minds, that I didn’t feel weirded out about having tell people my pronouns or minding too much about people knowing I was trans. But that took getting used to. As someone who is super closeted about this, it takes so much effort to release all that anxiety that is built up over the years. I didn’t even tell my closest friends and family until part way through my college life when I was finally able to come to terms with a lot of things. Bless my roommates who were so encouraging, understanding, and loving. I don’t think I would have been able to live my life as really who I was and being affirmed without them.

Having to come back to live at home is a whirlwind of emotions and anxiety. At one hand I enjoy the comfort of financial stability and seeing my family, but on the other hand it brings back all the anxiety and forces me back to a point of life that I had lived before my college years. I’ve talked about this before, but from quite a young-ish age I knew deep down that I am a boy. Simple case, always been uncomfortable having any relation to being a female. To this day because I’m not out to everyone, I get so uncomfortable when someone goes “oh you are such a tomboy.” The anxiety and stress about fearing whether or not you can come out as trans and not knowing the reaction of those people is so deeply rooted in me it’s unreal. I just want to live a quiet life as a boy and not have to deal with any of that. Pretty sure many if not all trans people feel the same way, they just want to live as who they are and not be bothered by it all the time.

Being Asian especially a 1st gen Asian American makes navigating being trans and queer really hard. These type of topics aren’t spoken about in the Asian community. I can probably count on my one hand people who I know personally who are asian + trans and have come out about it or spoken about it before. In Asian communities, being part of the lgbtq+ community is taboo. It’s almost seen like a disease. Sometimes I’m just so envious that my western counterparts have a bit more freedom in able to express or talk about being lgbtq+. Not saying it’s all sunshine and rainbows for them but like the way Asians (especially the older generation) act its like that doesn’t exist. Like there is no such thing as being trans, no such thing as being gay, no such thing as blah blah blah. That’s the struggle, if it is out of the norms, it does not exist. I keep thinking back to this one clip where the guy talks about how it’s not that they don’t want to acknowledge that it exist, they just don’t want you their child to have it so they deny it. What I’m saying is, this “taboo” of speaking of lgbtq+ and whatnot really made it hard for me to understand what was going on in my mind. I struggled for years to come to terms and even find the terms to describe myself. It was only when tumblr kind of took off roughly in 2009, when I first even heard of the word trans or bigender and yada yada. Having to navigate thru everything all at once was like a beginner level swimmer being thrown in to the middle of the Pacific ocean blindfolded and told to swim to America. I’m surprised I even made it to the land when tumblr at that time was a free for all, the amount of posts exploded, so different as to right now (which is kind of quiet).

If I, who was the trans person, didn’t understand all this, imagine my environment. Not saying I had a bad time, just a very uncomfortable and stressful time. The one thing I found solace in was that in games, I didn’t need to present my trans-ness. I was able to escape who I was brought up and seen as (aka female) and live who I was in my games. I didn’t have to be labeled as trans, I was just me being a boy. I’ve mentioned this all before, but even in things where i used to role-play with my friends I always presented as a male. I hated the way I felt when I was referred to as she/ her when I was a kid, still uncomfortable to this day but given the circumstances I have to live with it. There are some moments in my life looking back that if I could change the way I had to present as a female at that time I would 100% redo that moment. But this isn’t those reincarnation manga’s i’ve been reading so live and forget, i’d say.

Going back to being Asian, I’m very lucky that my mom because of her experiences shaped her to be opened minded, my father on the other hand while may be open to some things is still deep down the conservative south east asian. Though I’ve come out to my mom, she doesn’t understand me being trans nor does she really acknowledge the fact that I am a male. I’m always going back and forth with her having calling me her daughter in her mother tongue and me having to correct her every time and her saying no your my daughter. Shit gets fucking old real fucking fast. It’s a hell lot to navigate when you have to move back home. I miss my college life because of that freedom from that denial, freedom to really express who i am and able to figure that out in a safe welcoming environment. Coming all the way back to my point lol i’m just deeply uncomfortable outing myself as trans. It was affirming to hear in that youtube video I was watching that many trans people don’t want to be outed, that it’s okay to stealth because bringing up being trans is tiring. Like I am a male, i don’t want to have to bring up me being trans all the time, makes me really understand the want or need to be passing. Like do people not realize that if there was a magical change your gender button, we would not hesitate to press it? If i could had been born into a male body i’d be a regular cis male, no question about it. But life doesn’t work that way. I honestly, wished I had the knowledge and money back when I was younger. Maybe i’d be able to navigate and live my life as who I am earlier. Now i gotta figure things out, and present myself to those who already know and not want them to look at me as a trans person but as just a normal regular person. What a difficult matter this is. One could only wish. That being said still trying to navigate my way on transitioning and whatnot. Living in a dominantly Asian community made up of older folxs doesn’t lend itself to give you resources to access on these kinds of topic. When this whole pandemic thing and we get the whole nation reformed I’ll go searching for some resources. As long as I live here back home, i don’t think i’ll be able to live freely.

rambly rambly rambly

lately i’ve been consuming a lot of josei manga especially those harlequinn mangas. god damn are those manga one shots so infuriating like COME ON JUST LEAVE THE MAN, DON’T GET BACK WITH HIM. Every goddamn manga is the same, the girl meets the greek tycoon/ rich british snob/ arabian prince gets pregnant, gets her heart broken and leaves him, guy find out he has a kid and forces her back, goes thru misunderstanding for 2 pages, then kiss kiss fall in love. Like it is the same every god forsaken time and yet I still get all angry lmao. I should know it by now why am I still silently screaming at 4am reading these mangas. I know what happens yet i’m still screaming LEAVE HIM, DON’T TAKE HIM BACK, BE YOUR OWN WOMAN WHO DOESN’T NEED NO MAN. I find myself laughing at myself because I put myself in that situation when I read it and then I get angry when I chose to read it lol. If I wasn’t so camera shy I’d have great reaction videos and livestreams of me when I read manga. Cause I talk to myself a lot when I’m reading manga, it’s kind of funny.

On that light note i’m just gonna end this rant. I’m sleepy and I think i dumped out all the thoughts that’ve been accumulating at the back of my head out. Till next time!!

#random life post #just getting out my thoughts and feelings i've been holding since last year #this is super duper long like so long

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