#dad keeps telling me to pray for guidance and I'm like...

[anachrosims]

Y'ALL.

Just got a preliminary interview for Project & Design Estimator I (job quotes, AutoCAD, Salesforce) within the company I work for.

I've been on the job hunt and the job market is b r u t a l right now. It feels so good to have someone go, "I am very impressed by your history and skills."

It's just a prelim interview, it's next Tuesday. Please please please send me your good luck/confidence/charisma, God knows I need all three.

You have no idea how much a shift into this type of work would mean for me and my future prospects, especially as a college dropout. I don't even know what the pay will be, but I assume it's even marginally more than what they're paying me now.

[riven-wanders]

(Hey so I had a pretty big epiphany when typing this out, but like it doesn't really relate to AJR and more so relates to me, and if it's a touchy subject, then don't read past the warning)

I love Call My Dad. If Call My Dad has one fan, it's me, no fans, and I'm dead. Call My Dad perfectly captures the feeling of going out somewhere without, like, any input from your parents. You didn't have to ask if you could, you didn't have to tell them where you were going, you're friends just planned something and you've gone with them. Maybe you mention it offhandedly, but that's all.

And you thought it'd be fun and it kind of is, but there's this underlying anxiety the whole time. You can't fully enjoy yourself. Every choice your friends make you go along with cause you want them to like you (and if you're honest, you're still unused to not having guidance), but the anxiety just keeps growing with every choice. Dancing on rooftops, going to bars to drink, friends getting into fights - the way the song is written and framed, you could argue that the singer is incredibly passive. The night flashes by in three or four words, the song starts by asking what's going on, it's snapshots. The singer is just a bystander. And the anxiety and stress is eating away at him. He wishes he hadn't gone. He wants to go home.

The fact that it's just Ryan singing, with some layered vocals (??? Idk music terms) and only the slightest hint of music in the second verse to add a bit more ambiance, just adds to the loneliness of it all. I think the song ends where it starts off; he's driven to someone's house to spend the night, and he's only now caught up with what's happened. You can see him in your mind's eye just standing on the sidewalk at like 3 in the morning, really trying not to break down into tears, cause he feels like shit and he hates this, he hates that he agreed to this, he never should have done this, he wasn't ready for this, he wants to go home. And he's got his phone out to call his dad.

Cause your parents are usually the first people you turn to. And it's easier to cry in front of them cause they've seen it all before. You're friends only know the version of you you want them to see, and you don't know how they'll take a more raw version of you. But you don't have to worry about that with your parents, cause they've seen it all before. Hundreds of times. And I don't think that ache of needing to call your dad ever goes away.

And I was gonna put this in the tags, but I'm kinda losing it and I'm gonna add this to the actual post, rant about the music video

This video is stunning. Ryan sitting alone with his thoughts in a cab with Adam and Jack asleep beside him. Being actively alone is less lonely than existing next to people who are unaware. Especially when they're people you love, cause then it feels like a rejection of you and your emotions. How can you sleep while I'm about to start crying? When I'm so stressed out and anxious, why are you not actively here with me? Am I not that important enough to you to stay awake for? Fucking genius masterclass of a song and a music video, AJR knows what the fuck they're doing. Anyone who says that they don't write deep songs is just objectively wrong, you're just not engaging with their music in good faith.

(TW Christainity, I don't identify as a Christian but I was raised one)

It's actually fucking Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. For those who don't know, the night of Jesus's arrest before he's put on the cross to die, he goes to the garden of Gethsemane with his disciples. He essentially tells them that he's really stressed about what's coming (his arrest and death) and he's going to go pray and asks them to be there for him.

'Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me."' Matthew 26:38

And the disciples fall asleep while he prays. He wakes them up and is hurt they couldn't even stay awake for an hour. Then he prays more and they fall asleep again. Shortly after, Jesus is arrested. I never fully got that part of the story, I didn't get why Jesus was so upset, it was late at night when it all happened, of course they're tired. And I know this shit forward and back cause I was raised with this, I've heard this story ten thousand times, but I just now got it. I understand that feeling deeply. The disciples weren't just followers of Jesus, they were his friends. Of course it hurts when they fall asleep. Jesus gets so stressed and anxious that he begs God for this to go any other way that doesn't involve pain and death and he sweats blood, and his friends fall asleep.

Idk where I stand when it comes to religion to be clear, and Idk if I can ever call myself a Christian cause of the harm and trauma that these beliefs have done to me and so many others. But it says something about how it's failed me that the closest I've ever felt to Jesus is not in church or during Bible study, but when I'm ranting about a non-christian song that's very important to me. Fuck me, man.

[beetlethebug]

so we know that like, Kristen's whole deal is religion and such, right? I'm just kinda thinking about the other Bad Kids and the Gods. Maybe it's my own multi-deity pagan ass just wanting to consider what it would look like. (I'm using primarily Forgotten Realms Gods and my absolutely vague knowledge of them).

This got long so read under the cut ;u;

Gorgug is absolutely Garl Glittergold's favorite child. He loves the shenanigans. Do you think he starts connecting with Gruumsh when he starts connecting with his birth parents? Baby Gorgug leaving bits of metal and toys he accidentally broke on the altar the Thistlesprings' have in their workshop. Gorgug pre-artificer offering up the songs he makes as a tricky sort of "metal" working. Feeling a connection to Gruumsh in the heats of his rage, the nudge of a hand during his frenzy guiding him to the right target. Keeping bits of scrap from their enemies to melt down into his next artificing project. He also probably talks to Helm, sometimes, asking for guidance on how to best protect his friends. Gorgug has big protector energy.

Adaine who is, in a way, a deity in her own right, depending how revered the Oracle is. I don't know if Adaine would connect with Elvish gods, but she and Oghma vibe. I think that after the Bad Kids all talk and bond, Kristen makes a joke about her being a Gruumsh follower with her furious fist and so Adaine jokingly buys a pin to wear in offering. Jawbone also had a talk with her about sometimes it can help to talk to someone about your anxiety--whether that be a counselor or even the Gods, sometimes. Just Adaine praying to Gruumsh to have the strength to punch her anxiety in the face is very beautiful to me. Azuth is the god of wizards, so he and Adaine might vibe. Adaine feels like the type to vibe with the Gods mostly in jest; she talks to them sometimes, but they're silly little guys to her. Because of Tracker and Jawbone's lycanthropy, I think she either has a small shrine to Galicaea or has the biggest beef with her imaginable. Maybe a little bit of both.

Riz. God. I think once Riz meets his Father, he definitely like, sets up a little shrine to him. Ancestor work feels really important to Riz. He dedicates a lot of self-care things to his dad, I think. Mainly sleeping and drinking water. Does he do them? No. But it's the thought that counts. Riz is definitely the like, mundane acts of worship. Incorporating it into miniscule parts of his day that would go undetected unless you knew him and where to look. He also probably has some devotional jewelry to Yondalla; I think that Penny probably had a habit of repeating prayers while touching the beads of her bracelet (kind of like a Rosary) and that rubbed off on him, especially when she was babysitting him. The whole family also probably have at least some sort of worship to Tyr due to their connection to justice and law enforcement. I think Sklonda is more connected with some of the deities associated with Goblins, specifically Gruumsh (can you tell I love him?) and Maglubiyet. He prays to war gods to get through the absolute shitshow of Adventuring school. He and Adaine probably dedicate their research to Oghma.

Fig is really interesting because I feel like she is probably in the vein of demon work instead of divinity. Although I think that she unironically thinks Riz's dad is super cool so like, playfully worships him. Fig is the Bad Kid that I feel like collects all the different pieces of her friends and wears them proudly upon herself. She dedicates concerts to Kristen's new deity of the week. She sighs and asks Oghma for help on exams; she includes prayers to Gruumsh in her tracks. I feel like Fig also might have a tendency to like, worship the people in her life. She thinks they're so important and she cares about them so much. So she elevates them to the status of a God in her mind. They are invincible. They are young and powerful and the bonds they share are much, much magical then some God who pretends to be high and mighty. Her body is an altar--she wears jewelry and draws sigils and uses so much color magick. She is, in a way, a walking beacon to the gods, saying, "Look at us! We're just as good as you, and if you doubt it, then we'll kick your ass!"

Fabian Seacaster my beloved. This man follows his Father's footsteps for a long time. He worships Gods of the tempest, of the sea and sailing. Yondalla holds a special place in his heart. Riz nearly has a conniption when Fabian corrects him on a prayer to Yondalla, and the two of them bond about it. But once this man starts dancing, this man worships Corellon Larethian with his whole chest. He does a lot of his worship through dancing. Moving his body, getting in touch with his roots. Because of the fire elemental, he also does some like, elemental magic? But I think a lot of his forms of worship come through bodily experiences. Braving a storm, dancing in front of a crowd, making just the right maneuver to protect his friends in battle. Sometimes he and Fig and Gorgug will sit together and make devotional playlists!

[guiltywisdom]

Is it okay to help a friend of mine maintain the appearance of being a part of another religion and to pretend to pray to that religion's gods? He was raised in an extremist Hellenic cult and while we're working on an escape plan for him, it is vital no one around him catches on. So we've been lying that I'm interested in Hellenismos and I've had to fake some things in front of his family, as well as help him seem like he's been talking to me just for religious purposes. I feel awful saying things that aren't true and saying the names of these Greek gods as if they're sacred or to be revered. I would feel far worse if I didn't get this guy out of this cult. They believe that - well, it's complicated but based on some obscure Greek myths they believe twins should be together sexually, and his sister is so brainwashed she's all for it. He's not. He's repulsed by it. I've arranged to get him out when he turns 18 in the last week of December - and get him to the safety of his grandparents, over a thousand miles away; thank God my dad is a pilot and has connections in the industry who could make this happen - but until then we need to keep suspicions as low as possible.

I hate saying these awful sacrilegious things. I hate lighting incense and burning offerings and pretending to be something I'm not. It makes me feel sick. I don't know how I'll ever be forgiven for this. But you have to understand, these people are abusive. They've starved him as punishment for resisting doctrine so many times. They want to make him have sex with someone against his will. He doesn't deserve this. I can't let this happen to him.

I've done things I'm not proud of for this. I've said false prayers to gods I don't believe in and had to stand still while his father pulled the cross off my neck and threw it into a fireplace. I feel like a heretic. I feel like I've prioritized someone over God. I have stress nightmares constantly. Am I doing the right thing? Is it alright to do these things? Will God forgive me? What do I have to do to be forgiven for things this terrible?

I can't tell my priest or any of my Orthodox friends. The risk someone will say something and the whole plan will fall apart is too high. Only my dad - I was raised in a single-parent home - knows. I need some kind of guidance. I don't know where to turn.

I'm so sorry for burdening you with all this. I know it's a lot. But I'm out of other options and I trust you. You seem spiritually sound and strong in faith.

I'm sorry this post got lost in my inbox so the reply is late.

I think a lot of people prioritize the idea of outward faith, of showing people, themselves and God that they are faithful in outward ways but this is not the true way of loving God.

Christ said, “whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. (Matthew‬ ‭6:5‬ ‭NRSV-CI).

God sees deep into your heart, he knows what lies there and it cannot be hidden, not on purpose or by this facade you have to engage in. You are doing this out of love and we are told to love our neighbour as ourselves, there is no greater act than that. Saint Maria of Paris said, "We must not allow Christ to be overshadowed by any regulations, any customs, any traditions, any aesthetic considerations or even any piety."

It might sound controversial but I believe that our most important consideration is to be like Christ and that worshipping him is secondary to this. Saint Maria of Paris said, "Piety, piety…but where is the love that moves mountains?"

You are doing such an amazing act out of love, you are helping a friend escape. Saint Maria of Paris also helped people escape, escape from Nazi occupied Paris. Stay strong my sibling in Christ, God knows your heart and that's all that is important here.

[mamaav91]

I don't believe in the 'you weren't meant for each other'. Everything of my being told me we were and I fully believe in my feelings and intuition. Ever since the first night I felt his energy, I knew. I let him go peacefully each time because I knew when the timing was right he would come back, and he did every time. I told myself I can't let him go again. Only one person knew that I prayed for this man for the past 5 years, and she was the one I had to let go. Every morning before entering work I prayed for protection, and I prayed for his too. Maybe that's what makes it even harder.

I'm forced to let him go and being told this is the highest form of love is questionable. Mushu's dad taught me you can't hinder someone's growth, but he also taught me people only look out for themselves and have secret agendas.

I keep having dreams with him in it, where things were like before but in person. Waking up and having to tell myself it's not real is the hardest part. Having to remind myself how he views me based off the picture his "friend" painted me to be is what keeps me stuck. Having the person you let into your daily routine and your mind turn their back and talk about you to other people has had me questioning my entire being. The judgement and labels on me based off his past relationships and conversations with people who don't even know me is what I struggle with daily.

Also, knowing that the person he is going to for "guidance" is the same person who stalked me in the bay with Mushu's dad has me genuinely questioning the universe.

I know I will find ways to distract myself and get through it, I always do. I hate when people tell me I need to stop glamorizing the potential...it wasn't potential, it was reality at one point. I guess now it's potential, but at one point it was everything to me. I also question why my relationships in the past were so easy to leave, but this one that didn't have mutual commitment is the hardest.

The first year VS the last few months makes me realize you truly never know a person or their intentions, despite what they initially show or say. The person I saw and knew is completely different from the person he is today, but reality tells me it was just the parts he hid from me and this is who he was the entire time. That's the truth I have to tell myself to overcome it. What's included in that is a person who never truly saw or understood me, but was just lonely. That's that part that makes me unwell.

I should've listened to myself after each time he didn't show up or his words didn't match his actions. I tried my best to understand, and understand the circumstances and his situation...but it was always on my mind.

Where were these people when he was at the bottom though? These people are with him 23/7; how can they not hear his voice or look into his eyes and see there's something he's not saying?

This isn't my final form, but becoming hurts. The soft and strong can live in the same body. I don't know how to stop feeling his energy, but I wish it would go away.

[thepaperpanda]

A Cultural Fusion || Neteyam x fem!Omaticaya reader

Masterlist

Summary: Neteyam instructs you on the customs and significance of Valentine's Day, a special day celebrated by humans

Warnings: none

Word count: 1690

Author: Rouge

A/N: prior to reading, it’s important to know that: the reader is female Omaticaya ✤ you'll find a glossary underneath the fic ✤ today’s prompt: learning about Valentine’s Day

Neteyam had always been fascinated by the ways of the humans. He had spent many evenings listening to his father recounting stories about the strange and exotic customs of the outsiders. But one particular story had always stuck with him - a tale about a special day called Valentine's Day.

As he walked through the lush forest, Neteyam spotted you sitting alone by the river, lost in your thoughts. He approached you with a gentle smile, curious to know what was on your mind.

You looked up at him and returned the smile, happy to have some company.

“Oel ngati kameie, Y/N," Neteyam greeted you. "Are you okay? You seem a little troubled."

You shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed. "I'm fine. I'm just thinking about something."

"Would you like to talk about it?" Neteyam asked kindly, taking a look around, smiling as he spotted a few kenten sitting in the nearby bushes.

You hesitated for a moment before nodding. "It's just that tomorrow is Valentine's Day, Lo’ak told me about that, and I don't really know what it means. I’ve never heard about this before. And your brother said it has something to do with love and feelings, but I don’t know if I can believe him."

Neteyam's eyes lit up with recognition. "Ah, I know about this day. My father told me about it. It's a day when humans show their love and affection for one another."

You looked at him curiously. "How do they do that when they do not have anything similar to tsaheylu?"

Neteyam paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "Well, they exchange gifts, like flowers or sweets, to show that they care about each other. And they spend time together, doing things they enjoy."

You listened intently, fascinated by the concept of expressing love through such simple gestures. "But why is it called Valentine's Day?" You asked.

Neteyam shrugged. "I'm not sure. My father didn't tell me that part. But I think it's because there was a human saint named Valentine who used to help people express their love. Humans have a lot of saints, after all."

"Saints? What are those?" You asked, puzzled.

"They are people who are believed to have lived holy lives and are now in heaven. Humans pray to them for help and guidance," Neteyam explained, taking a seat by your side, slipping his feet into the water.

You looked at him, surprised. "Really? Humans have so many beliefs and traditions. I can't keep up with all of them."

Neteyam chuckled. "I know it can be overwhelming. But I find it fascinating to learn about all these different customs and beliefs. It helps me understand humans better. My dad was one of them, after all."

You nodded, but you still didn't quite understand why humans would pray to someone who was no longer alive. Neteyam could see the confusion on your face.

"It's hard to explain, Y/N. But I think it gives humans comfort to know that there are people in the heavens watching over them," he said.

You looked at him curiously. "Heaven? What's that?"

"It's a place where humans believe they can be happy forever, with no pain or sadness," Neteyam explained, playing with a tuft of grass.

You nodded, trying to understand this concept. "So it's like a place of eternal peace?"

"Exactly," Neteyam nodded with a smile. "It's like becoming one with Eywa after death. Humans believe that they can reunite with their loved ones who have passed away and be with them forever in heaven."

You felt a sense of understanding dawn on you. "I see. It's like the ultimate reunion."

"Yes. It's a way for humans to find comfort in the face of death, to believe that they can be together with their loved ones again someday."

You smiled, feeling grateful for Neteyam's insights. It was always interesting to learn about the beliefs and customs of humans, even if they were different from your own and usually meant danger. And in some ways, the concept of heaven was similar to your own belief in the afterlife, of becoming one with Eywa and the spirits of your ancestors. It was a reminder that, despite all our differences, there were still common threads that bound everyone all together. You thought about this for a moment, trying to wrap your head around the concept. "I see. I guess it's like how we believe in the spirits of our ancestors who guide us."

Neteyam smiled. "Exactly! It's different, but it's also similar in a way."

You smiled back at him, feeling grateful for his insights into the human world. It was always interesting to learn about their many beliefs and traditions, even if you didn't always understand them.

You nodded, feeling grateful for Neteyam's explanation. "Thanks for telling me about it. It sounds like a nice tradition, that Valentine's Day. But it’s a little strange that humans have one particular day where they are affectionate with their loved ones."

Neteyam had been thinking about Valentine's Day for a while, and he decided to make a small gift for you. He spent many hours working on it, putting all his love and care into each stitch and bead. "Y/N, I made this for you. It's not much, but I wanted to give you something special for Valentine's Day, even if it would take place only tomorrow," Neteyam whispered, reaching for the little bag hung over his shoulder. He pulled out a beautiful bracelet made of woven leaves and colorful beads. It was delicate and intricate, and you could see the time and care that Neteyam had put into making it.

“Neteyam,” you whispered, looking up at him, accepting the gift. “Ma Eywa! It’s beautiful.”

Neteyam smiled, happy to see you enjoying the gift. "I'm glad you like it. I wanted to bring something from human tradition, because that's what father does for mom, and I thought a handcrafted gift would be a good choice."

You nodded, feeling grateful for Neteyam's effort and his understanding of human customs. It was fascinating to learn all that stuff about sky people.

"Thank you, Neteyam. This is a wonderful gift, and I'll cherish it always," you said, putting the bracelet on your wrist and admiring its beauty. “But… I don’t have anything for you, and after what you said I understand that Valentine’s Day is about exchanging gifts.”

Neteyam's smile widened, pleased to have made you happy. It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot to both of you, a symbol of the growing bond as Neteyam had his eye on you for a long while. "There's something you can do for me," Neteyam suggested.

Your head tilted to the side, and you asked, "What's that?"

In a bold voice, he asked, "Kiss me." Neteyam gazed into your eyes, feeling his heart racing with anticipation. He took a deep breath and reached out to gently take your hand in his. Neteyam leaned in closer to her, feeling a surge of courage. "There's something that draws me to you. I feel a connection with you that I can't explain." He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, and then he leaned in even closer until your faces were just inches apart. 

Your heart skipped a beat as you looked into Neteyam's eyes. You saw the sincerity and vulnerability in his expression, and you felt your own heart begin to race in response. Without a word, you leaned in and met Neteyam's lips with yours, feeling a jolt of electricity pass between them.

For a moment, the world around you fell away as you shared your first kiss. It was a gentle and tender moment, filled with the promise of what could be. As you pulled away, Neteyam looked at you and smiled, feeling a sense of hope and joy that he had never felt before. He looked at you, his eyes wide with awe and wonder. It was as if a new world had opened up to him, and he was seeing everything in a different light. He couldn't believe how soft your lips were, how your touch had sent shivers down his spine, and how his heart was beating so fast in his chest. It was like nothing he had ever felt before, and he knew that he was completely and utterly smitten. For a moment, he was lost in his thoughts, trying to process the overwhelming feeling that had taken over him. As he looked at you, he saw the way your eyes sparkled in the light, the way your smile made his heart flutter, and he knew that he was in trouble. He had never felt this way before, and he knew that he wanted to explore this new and exciting world of emotions that you had introduced him to. Neteyam couldn't wait to see what the future held for the two of you, and he knew that he was ready to take on any challenge as long as he had you by his side.

In that moment, you knew that everything had changed. You felt an intense connection with Neteyam, and you were completely enamored with him. It was a kiss that you would never forget, and you couldn't wait to see where this newfound attraction would take you. “Neteyam,” you whispered softly, trying to find proper words to describe your feelings.

“Shhh,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around your shoulders, pulling you closer to his strong chest. “I’m also lost for words.”

You couldn't help but nuzzle your face into Neteyam's chest, basking in the warmth and comfort that emanated from him. It felt like you were melting into him, and the feeling that rose within your chest was indescribable. As you breathed in his scent, you felt a sense of calm wash over you. It was like you were exactly where you were meant to be, and everything else in the world just fell away. You closed your eyes, savoring the moment, and letting yourself be completely enveloped by the feeling of being in Neteyam's arms. It was a moment you knew you would treasure forever.

Glossary:

kenten - fan lizard

tsaheylu - bond

oel ngati kameie - I see you

[ketso]

Episode 11

Wandi slept over at my place last night. We told my parents about the engagement. Plus, Wandi's father has communicated a date for the lobola. My dad is cool about it. But my mom is upset. I'm not sure if she's mad about the wedding or about me moving. Wandi and I found a duplex that we will be buying cash and moving into together after the wedding.

We are at church now. I'm delivering the sermon today. I plan to also announce my engagement to my beautiful fiancé.

I'm sitting on stage with my parents. The choir is sitting a step below us, neatly tucked away behind Julia - their leader.

I spot Wandi sitting in the second row of the congregation with Morafe and Morafe's kids. Wandi is so beautiful! Priceless and timeless, I tell you. Wandi's mother sits next to Wandi, doing something on her cellphone. The camera crew has started shooting and we get a heads up that our service is live... over 500 000 people from across the world have started streaming the service.

No pressure!

The choir sings to open the service, led by their soloist and leader, Julia.

Now that Wandisa will be sitting up here with me as my wife, I wonder how Julia will treat her. I actually even want Wandi to be in charge of the song selection for my sermons. That way, Julia will stay away from me, going through my wife to get to me. But Julia is unruly. She will find a way to piss off my wife and get close to me. I need to chat to my boys to hook her up.

As the song ends, my dad goes to the pulpit to welcome the church and introduce today's sermon. My mom keeps stealing looks at me. I'm marrying Wandisa whether she likes it or not. It would be very beneficial to her to be supportive. She doesn't know how bad this can get if she is determined to make this difficult and uncomfortable for the woman that I love.

As soon as my dad is done, the choir sings again. I start praying as they sing, asking for God's anointing and guidance as I speak before people today... speaking about him. I take ministry very seriously. I believe it's a calling. It's not something that is a gamble. It's a calling to do the work of God. It's a calling to be at your most humble as a human being... to be of service to people because we believe that we are brothers and sisters in Christ. Wandi is not big on the Bible. But her spirit is what makes me love her so much. Wandi lives service. Her love language is service. Without even seeing it or realizing it, she lives the word of the Lord and ministry just by being herself. She sees people and nothing else. Wandi is the type of person who would give you her entire food for the week and she rather fast... than to see you go hungry because there is injustice in the price of bare necessities. I value that far much more than a Julia or my mother who live at church from Monday to Sunday, but have a hard heart that can never see the beauty in humility or service.

Now, I make my way to the pulpit. God's spirit has me where I need to be to do what I need to do today.

"Good morning my brothers and sisters", I begin.

"Good morning senior pastor", the congregation engages.

"By God's grace, how are we doing today?"

Some say they are great, some are good and some are fine.

I step away from the pulpit and make my way to chatting to the congregation while standing in front of them, and off the stage with the authorities of the church!

"I want us to have a conversation today about our authority and why we have such powerful authority. Can we talk about that today?" Me.

"Amen!"

Some keep saying "oh yes!"

"Okay. We have quite a lot of authority in this life, over our lives and in the roles that we play each and every day. We have authority to do a lot of things and to make decisions over things and sometimes people. But I always wonder if we remember where that authority comes from and if we understand why it is important to never forget where that authority comes from."

I hear amens and people agreeing with me.

"You see, we should never forget where our authority comes from. When we forget where our authority comes from, ego and arrogance take over!"

I hear a "come on" from somewhere in the congregation.

"We are so used to praying powerful prayers and laying hands on ourselves or other people, making declarations. And that's not a bad thing. It's not. We have authority to do that! We are supposed to do that! But we must never forget where that authority comes from!"

Now people are clapping their hands. I catch Wandi smiling at me. She's going to distract me because wow, that's my woman man.

People calm down then I continue, "We have to operate in our authority. God wants us to operate in our authority. If we don't operate in our authority, we minimize the extent of His power in our lives", I say.

I'm cheered on again. I see my parents on stage standing up and cheering me on as well. Of course, those authoritative figures would resonate with exercising authority. But I get the feeling that they missed the part about acknowledging where the authority comes from - especially my mother. But anyway...

"I want us to talk about ways to exercise authority in our lives consistently while acknowledging that our authority comes from God. Can we do that my brothers and sisters?"

"Oh yes!" They shout.

Some say "amen!"

"Can we take out our notebooks and bibles so we can talk about exercising authority without being arrogant?" Me.

They take out their bibles and notebooks.

"I have noted three ways to exercise authority in my life consistently - at work, in the church and in my personal relationship with the woman that I love. I see it working for me and I wish to share that strategy with you! And if you learn new ways to exercise your authority consistently, please share it with me and I'll share it on your behalf with everyone else."

I get amens from the congregation.

"The first step is to have an offensive prayer life! I'll repeat that... we must have an offensive and NOT a defensive prayer life!

Now what does that mean?

It means that we do not only pray when something happens, when somebody is sick or when you get demoted on the job. You need to pray ALL THE TIME! You need to have an offensive prayer life. You need to understand that there is a war going on whether you are willing to participate in it or not! The enemy walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom it can destroy. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy! We know this! The enemy is constantly working and he is not married to any strategy or method to make his plan work!"

"COME ON!"

"AMEN!"

"SPEAK THE TRUTH AND SHAME THE DEVIL!"

Clearly people are touched right now. I'm speaking to people, clearly.

I continue, "We cannot sleep on the job! We cannot come late to the fight! We cannot! We need to wake up every day and wear the full Armour of God. We need to speak life into whatever our situations are and we need to speak the word of God."

Now people stand up and cheer! I take this opportunity to have a sip of water from my glass. My PA has the glass ready for me. I thank her after I have taken a gulp of it. If it weren't for her, Julia would place herself in charge of my water and I just don't trust her hands.

"Let's look at the second step to exercising our authority consistently. I spoke of three steps... and we've just covered step one. I want us to now talk about step two... and that is to safeguard your surrender!

What do we mean by that?

Well, you have to surrender over and over and over and over and over and over again... and consistently. We live in a flesh whose desire is to operate in a way that God does not want us to operate. You cannot go about this journey in a passive manner. When you surrender, protect and safeguard your surrender. Separate yourself from people, places and things that distort biblical principles."

I hear people agreeing with me. I hope they are not getting the wrong end of this sermon.

"You see, my brothers and sisters, the enemy knows the word of God very well. Matthew 4: 1 - 11 tells us that the enemy tempted Jesus. So, this is not just any enemy. This enemy is reading instructions to us from God, so he knows what he's doing and he is not committed to any strategy or method to see his plan through. WE NEED TO KNOW THE WORD OF GOD! We do not have authority without knowing the word of God. We need to focus on God. We need to tunnel vision on the plans that God has for us."

Cheers go on again. I take another gulp of water. People are praising God as well... which I'm grateful for. I don't want them to praise me. I want them to praise God.

"And finally, my brothers and sisters... the third step to exercising your authority consistently is to know and be able to identify the symptoms of misalignment."

"Oh yes!" They shout. I haven't even started. Lol!

"The importance of being in alignment is critical. Frustration will make you make mistakes that will blow it for you. Allow God to pour back into you. The more you grow, the more is at stake. I don't think we understand that. The more blessings we get and the higher our positions of authority are, the more is at stake and therefore, the more you need to be able to identify the symptoms of misalignment because you have more to lose!"

Now they are clapping again.

"We idolize the next step so much that we miss the lessons and the tools that we need to get as well as the strength that we need for the season that we are in right now. We cannot make the mistakes at the next level that we made at the previous level".

Now there is cheering, people going down on their knees and praising God... I wrap up the sermon, asking them to read John 10:11, Romans 5:8 and Matthew 4: 1-11. We do so together then wrap up the sermon in prayer.

Before the choir takes over with their concluding song for my sermon, I begin... nerves becoming me and all...

"My brothers and sisters in Christ, I need you to lend me a minute of your time for one announcement that's very close to my heart. I'd have left this for general announcements, but this one is from my heart", I am staring at my wife to be. She looks like she's about to faint. She doesn't want me to do this. But I'm doing it and I want the whole world to see it.

"Go ahead, senior pastor!" I hear from the congregation... and Julia. Julia stares at me with that smile of hers that scares me.

"As we all know, the good Lord blessed me with the love of my life about five years ago. Miss Wandisa Xolile Buthelezi has been by my side as so much more than just my girlfriend. She's been my partner and the definition of love itself in my life as instructed to us by 1 Corinthians 13. I can only hope that I have been the equivalent of that to her."

The church applauds. Wandi keeps shaking her head at me. Julia's face is now scary!

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have asked Miss Wandisa Xolile Buthelezi to be my wife. And she has said yes!" I proudly say.

People cheer.

Wandi looks a bit...

"Please my love, come join me up on this pulpit as the first lady that you are in my life", I say.

I see Morafe convincing her to go up. She's so nervous.

I start singing a song... I start singing Bebe Winans' With All My Heart as my fiancé makes her way to me.

The pianist starts playing the piano to my solo tune. Then I see the choir stand up. By the time I get to the chorus, they sing with me:

"I will always love you

With all of my heart

Cause I knew you love me

Right from the start

And you made a promise

To never part

That’s why I love you

With all of my heart."

Wandi is now next to me.

The choir is now humming the tune of the song as the pianist continues the melody of the song.

I look at Wandi.

She's so nervous.

I go down on one knee.

She's crying.

"I'm not a perfect man, Wandi. And I know the pressure that will come with being my wife. I'm still choosing you. I'm choosing you to serve this church with me. I'm choosing you to adhere to that pressure with me and for me. And this is not just because you are the most amazing woman I've ever known... it's also because you are my peace. When all is said and done... and we've been soldiers of the Lord all day, I look forward to resting next to you each night and being the blessing to you that you have been to me. Only God could have brought me in your life... for a purpose we are living and for a purpose we are still to live. And I will honour the Lord by being the husband I intend to be. I love you Wandisa Xolile Buthelezi. With all that's within me. Thank you for choosing me, my love."

She is shaking!

She is crying!

I stand up and she pulls me towards her, hugging me. I instantly feel at home.

I start singing the second verse of this song now... singing for her.

"Now in every complication

I know just where to go

And in every situation

You care always so

You always there to guide me

And there to lend a hand

Your love has never failed me

And you understand

Ohh..."

The choir joins me at the chorus once again. This time, I dance with my fiancé on this very stage.

Church is now over and I'm mingling with the congregation. My mother is pissed off that I made that announcement myself. Her words were, "you put on a whole Broadway play just to tell us you've been fornicating with the daughter of an ex-convict and now she's expected to be respected as the next first lady of this church. Do you know how big my shoes are to fill?"

I just walked away.

The whole world is congratulating me and calling me the most romantic man ever. I think I'd rather bask in that.

I finally find my Wandi. She's with her mother, father, brothers and Morafe. I didn't realise that all the Buthelezis were here.

Wandi hugs me first before I can even say hello to everyone.

"You really had quite the sermon in there! And performance! I didn't know you could sing like that!" The mom.

"Thank you. I love your daughter, mah... and baba. I'll do right by her. I promise." I say.

They nod at me.

"My mom is inviting us for lunch at her place to celebrate with you guys. Can I confirm that we are coming?" Khanya says.

Wandi looks at me and I say, "Sure."

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[strathgirl]

You never think it'll happen to you. That the day would never come when you get a call. A call that would flip your entire world upside down and change your life forever. Since that call, your life will forever be different and a hole in your heart will forever be left empty. People will tell you that it'll get easier, that the pain won't be as bad as right now, but they lied. It doesn't get easier and the pain remains the same; we are just forced to live with that aching, gut-wrenching pain for the rest of our lives. A life missing. A life that no matter how much you pray, cry, and scream, will never come back. You'll ask God why. You'll get so angry at Him for taking such a beautiful, kind soul from you. For taking the only person that could ever cheer you up on a rainy day or the only one who would actually listen. The one who put everything into perspective and told you exactly how it is. He took the person you loved the most and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering why. Why it wasn't you instead. Why it was him. But you'll never know.

You used to tell me to look at the stars because I never knew when it'd be the last time looking at them together. I wish I would've taken you seriously when you said that and not just shrugged it off as if you were invincible. But you were invincible to me. You always told me how you were okay, that you weren't going anywhere. You promised to walk me down the aisle and be there for me every step of the way. You had my back and protected me when no one else did. You always made sure I was okay and if I wasn't, you were right there. I was always reminded that I would see you again, but I never knew that the last time I saw you, would be the last time I saw you for eternity. And had I known that, Dad, I would've hugged you harder and I wouldn't of let go. I would've told you how much I love you, over and over again. I even would've told you how sorry I am for causing you so much hell as a child. How terrible I felt every time I back talked and made you feel so angry at me. I would've done anything to save you and keep you here with me because now I'm a fatherless child who has no idea what to do when things go wrong. I don't know who to turn to when my life doesn't make sense or who to run to when I just need to get away. I constantly find myself ready to send you a call, but I remember that I won't get a response. I keep waiting to wake up from this bad dream, but you're really gone and there's nothing in the world that can change that. My nightmare turned into my reality and my biggest fear came true.

I remember losing you like it was yesterday. The way my whole world stood still and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel. My whole body was numb. My heart was numb. I couldn't process losing you. Watching you lay there, lifeless. You never wanted me to see you like that, but I did and I'm so sorry that it had to end that way. But the thing is, Dad, I couldn't feel you. I wanted so desperately to feel you wrap your arms around me or show me that everything would be okay. You didn't. You were just gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Since that day, my world hasn't been the same. I haven't been the same. How could I be the same person I was before I lost half of my heart? Of course I'm not the only one that's lost a parent, but no one warned me about all the pain and suffering that comes with it. Or how it doesn't end. It keeps going on and on forever and ever. One second I think I'm doing okay, then I remember everything and I break down all over again. It's a never ending cycle. Some days it's bearable and others I scream at the top of my lungs begging for you back. Death changes you. It changes your life. It changes everything. And there's never coming back from that.

Then, everything changed. I changed. I somehow took 20 steps backwards and 30 steps forward. As crazy as it sounds, I actually became a stronger, better me, Dad. Someone you would actually be proud of. Without you I've lost myself, but grown as a person. I'm not sure how that will ever make sense, but even without you physically here, you're still teaching me things along the way. I'm finally at peace with myself, God, and everything in between. I'm finally content and happy. The pain, oh it's never ending, but somehow I bear with it and keep moving forward. The only reason why is because of you. Because you push me, harder and harder everyday. Even if I fall, you're right there to catch me and pick me up again. You remind me of the life I was blessed with and the places I still have yet to go. You remind me to keep going and to not give up. I've tried giving up and you won't let me. The toughest year of my life has been the biggest learning experience and luckily, I'm never alone. You've made sure of that. I might never understand why, but I know you're right next to me every step of the way. And I can't thank you enough for that.

The good memories outweigh the bad. The positive outweighs the negative. Where I lost hope, I gained it back again. You see, it was far from easy. It was an everyday challenge. I would stay in bed for hours each day and not have motivation to move, but somehow you got me to pick myself up and go on. I would lay in bed and stare at your picture and just cry, for hours. Asking God why. I didn't get why it had to be you. Or why it had to be so soon. I didn't know how to handle the death of such a loved one. It broke me and tore me apart. It made me go crazy, insane even. It felt like my world was done and over with, but you gave me hope again. You gave me the strength I needed to live. You showed me why I have to be here and why you have to be there. I'm finally okay with that. I'm finally accepting the loss of you.

You taught me everything I know. You took me under your wing and made me your whole world. From teaching me to drive, to throwing out a line; you were the guidance I needed. Without you, I wouldn't of had anyone. My life would be a whole different story. Luckily, God blessed me with you. Even though time was cut far too short, I was still lucky enough to have had you and all the lessons you taught me. And for that alone, I couldn't be more thankful. You see Dad, from losing you, I've learned how precious time is. How you never know if you're going to wake up tomorrow or if your life will be taken from you. I live every day like its my last, now. I leave no words unspoken. I don't leave things on bad terms with anyone. You have shown me first hand what its like to lose someone without expectation. Without knowing it was coming. And that alone, was enough to change my outlook on life. The hardest time of my life turned into the greatest lesson I've ever learned.

Here's to the lowest time of my life to the highest. The hardest and the easiest. Here's to you. For not being seen or heard, but being present and listening. Somehow you have let me move on and push through the pain, tears, and suffering. I'm no longer numb and I'm no longer afraid to cry. Or to hurt. Because it's all a part of the process. It just shows how much you meant to me and how much of an impact you left on my life. You were so loved and so special to me. Luckily, your memory carries on through me. Even though you won't walk me down the aisle or see the kids I have some day, I know you'll be watching from heaven, smiling down, reminding me to not worry about you, but to worry about me. I know you'll protect us and be so proud of the person I'm becoming and the person I will be. I know you'll always be right there, just as if you were alive. I live my life for me, but I live it for you too, Dad. To the dreams you weren't able to accomplish, I'm here to do that for you. Even when I fall, I know you'll catch me and pick me up again. There will always be hard days, but I'll never be alone.

Thank you for giving me the best life I could ask for and for being the best Dad. For cheering me on and always being my biggest fan. For supporting my decisions, even if they weren't the best and for loving me unconditionally. I'll always miss you and I'll never ever forget you. Days, months, and years will come and go, but you'll live on forever. You will always have a piece of my heart that I'll never get back, until we meet again. I love you.

[godfirstgodalways]

hello can you please pray for me, i'm still not sure about my sexuality is not that i think im gay or anything like that , im just confused and its been 2 years already, anything i want to date a boy it seems uncomfortable for me and its weird , i feel different. I dont know ,,, please pray for me.

The fact that you came forward about this problem you’re dealing with takes a lot and it shows you have faith. :) I went through a period doubting my sexuality as well…maybe a lot of teens go through this. I was in high school and I just always thought it ran in my family because 6 relatives (on my dad’s side alone) are homosexual. If I had kept entertaining homosexual thoughts, I would probably have had my first relationship with a woman then. But I didn’t, because I learned to sense this discomfort was not from Satan but from God convicting me. I mean initially I had fear, but God’s grip on me was stronger and eventually I just focused more on Him. A couple years later, I was enticed again after watching 2 women make out at a concert. Satan will always find other ways to win you over. Don’t give in. You need to focus more on our Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the only way to the Father, who holds the key to a true and full, and everlasting life. I think it was Pastor Greg Laurie who said something like…”If you don’t fear the Lord, you fear a lot of things, but if you do fear the Lord, there’s nothing that should terrify you.” It sounds like you fear for your life because you sense this discomfort deep inside you as condemnation perhaps. If that’s the case, what you have to do is draw closer to God and this wonderful relationship will give you a sound mind that He only convicts and not condemn. You will learn to discern with a transformed mind. Confusion is not of Him but of Satan. Lay everything you’ve got, everything you are and confess you are God’s and you belong in His Kingdom. If you’ve never given your life over and become saved by accepting Christ as your Savior, you can do so through baptism. Surrender everything and surrender every day. You need a strong team of prayer warriors from church. The other day I was listening to Focus on the Family and the guest speaker was this woman (sorry, forgot her name) who for years had struggled with same-sex attraction. She worked as a youth leader in her church and one day after much thought and prayer, she finally had the courage to tell her pastor what she had been struggling with. The pastor did not condemn her but just reminded her how much the Lord loves her. She eventually broke through what she first thought would be impossible and is now living with the peace, freedom, and desires God intended for her as a woman. Remember that with all problems you deal with, not just this one comes from a lack of a deeper relationship with God. No matter how much you think you’re already close to Him, there’s always more room to keep going. As Christians we should always be moving forward to make progress, not to come to perfection. He only gives you what You can handle. Your discomfort is there because He wants You to call on Him for help every day, every hour, every minute, if he needs You to focus on Him that much. He needs me to focus on Him every few minutes. :) I remember something my Pastor, Jim Crews said in service one Sunday…”We are saved by the blood of Jesus, but we are changed by the heart of God, because it’s the heart of God that pumps the blood of Jesus into every area of our lives.” I will keep praying for you, but I hope this has helped. 1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-q-and-a/sexuality/homosexuality-and-salvation

Father God, be with my dear friend who is dealing with confusion about their sexuality. They are still young in the way they have been thinking. It’s only been two years Lord, and because all things are possible with You who we look up to and call for help, You will it to set them free when they surrender. God right now, begin to soften her heart about genuine fellowship with other Christians they can trust. Build them up Lord with new friendships who will encourage them in their faith and walk with You, and let these friends not only be acquaintances from church, but real company who seek the good in others because they also have struggles they deal with themselves. Let these individuals be so strong in their commitment to You so they are examples who only lead each other closer to You, Your truth, and Your promises. Father I ask that You transform their way of thinking little by little so that they will be enlightened to honor their mind and body which is not their own, all for Your glory. When we ask You to use us, You also use our weaknesses, so I ask Lord to use their fear and confusion, and anxieties they may be having to turn them into praises for You. Convict them to praise You whenever they are aware of this discomfort, whenever they sense this confusion rising from within them. Be with them God because they are desperate for guidance and seek genuinely to find peace and comfort in their soul. Show them Father that they must pursue You in all their ways that by being one with You they find their true identity in You. I ask these things in Jesus’ name, amen.  

By His Grace, Sheela (Via godfirstgodalways)

[autumngracy]

can i just say that i appreciat that ur open about ur atheism? i've been an atheist for around a decade but the majority of my friends including ppl that i'm pretty close w/ are very religious and i've always been a little scared to tell them that i'm atheist. i don't want them to think less of me for it. so i really, really appreciate ur courage about your beliefs.

Oh, man, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I still feel uncomfortable telling people too, sometimes, because I don’t know how they’ll take it. Console yourself, at least, that even if they did reject that aspect of you, it only indicates that they are closed-minded, and not that there is something wrong with you. It’s more of a “their problem, not yours” kind of thing, but I know it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way when you’re the one facing the consequences.

Like a lot of other things, visibility is critical for acceptance and understanding. So I’ve been trying to be more blaséabout stuff lately (mental illness, sexuality, political opinions, etc). Even so, religion is the one thing that remains very hard for me to discuss with people! Especially because of how complicated things actually are for me.

(this got long, so, uh, ramble under the cut)

I was raised Methodist. My dad taught an adult version of Sunday school. My family was religious, but only in an observational sense, and a “I’ll pray for people” sense, not in like a bigoted or strict way. Very casual stuff.

But even then I was afraid to question things openly. It’s very ironic how you can have people who really don’t read their own holy texts, or really know very much about their own religion, but who will snap and defend it tooth and nail when (deeply) questioned on stuff like logic, even when they’re clearly not 100% sure what they’re defending. And that’s just the laid-back types. God help you (haha) if you actually try to have a meaningful theological conversation with a born-again, literalist type.

My brother became an atheist at some point early on, and I always had a vague disquiet about observing certain religious things, or the stories we were supposed to believe. I like knowing the reasons behind everything, so even as a kid I hunted for facts and origins of stuff. Simply through researching the origins of modern holiday traditions I ended up finding paganism, and for many, many years quietly sought information about many different sides/types of religion.

When I was doing this it felt extremely taboo, because I approached it with a willingly open mind, and not simply as a Christian. I actually read through the first half of the bible at the ripe old age of like, uh, 13 or 14, trying to better understand the religion–and hilariously THAT was an even bigger factor in me becoming an atheist. Many people share that sentiment, too. When you actually sit down and read the source materials for these things, it just … well. Things become clear.

Anyway. My unease with Abrahamic faiths, and some other major faiths, combined with my curiosity and love of the occult led me to become at first a “Christian Wiccan” (ugh), then (quickly thereafter) just a Wiccan, and then, after a long deliberation, an atheist.

This whole transition was SUPER uncomfortable for multiple reasons. First, I felt uneasy, always looking over my shoulder, you know, either for angry people or an angry god. Secondly, my parents didn’t like it and tried to dissuade me, leading to many awkward conversations. Thirdly, my already atheist brother would express pride in my skepticism but at the same time tell me it was only inevitable that I would become an atheist, mocking me for keeping any ties to religion at all. If he hadn’t been one of those arrogant kind of atheists, and hadn’t made digs at me, I probably would have become an atheist even sooner tbh.

Even so I haven’t exactly severed all ties to tradition. I actually still consider myself an Eclectic Wiccan, but I’m an atheist one (just like how there are atheist Christians, atheist Muslims, etc). I’ve kind of looked at religion as a whole and done a lot of soul searching with it, pulling out what I thought the purpose and sentiment behind the traditions and stories were from multiple cultures (see the “eclectic” part). I examined the sentiments of things, and the way doing certain things made one feel, and why.

It’s really hard to explain what I think these days and why I do what I do. I guess it boils down to a mix of philosophy, anthropology/history, and community. I see the worth in certain aspects of religion, in the sense of them being stories with a moral. The moral is the important part. You know how in the bible Jesus would tell all these parables (moral stories obviously not based in reality) to get across an idea to prove a point? That’s literally how every religion is to me, They’re all parables. That’s the best way I can explain it to people like my mother, who want to understand but are firmly rooted in religion and don’t intend to change.

The problem these days with expressing skepticism is that people are very closed to it. Even if they can understand why YOU feel a certain way about something, they may never ask themselves the same questions in earnest.

So many people view atheism as a destruction of society, of morals, of all structure to life. Some people even see it as their own religion’s view of evil (Christians viewing atheists as Satan worshipers, for example. Sorry, but, uh … Satan is a Abrahamic concept?? lmao) People see atheists and they’ve been conditioned to either think “EVIL!” or “poor, lost soul in need of guidance”, when the reality is … neither.

There is this toxic problem of religion having a stranglehold on morality. “Only the religious can be ethical, understanding, humble, etc” … It’s so untrue. In fact in many ways atheists can be MORE understanding, humble, moral, etc. than those who strictly adhere to what they believe are divine laws. The general point of religion is to be this system of philosophy that is told through stories regarded as true, rather like a “morality for dummies” kind of book. But if you can understand the underlying principles of that morality, you don’t actually need the fictitious examples to go back to for reference.

The problem inherent in all religions is that they have become so complex in their iterations, so needlessly convoluted, that they begin to lose sight of their true purposes. They can even spur concepts that go AGAINST their true purpose, like racism, xenophobia, homophobia, sexism, etc., and in those ways can be very damaging to society–a society they are meant to heal and bring together.

There are many people, even religious people, that are aware of that too. They gloss over certain bits of doctrine in favor of the larger picture of love and acceptance, and honestly, bless those people.

Anyway. I know I made this super long for no reason (but that’s just what happens when someone gets me going on theology). I guess what I’m wanting to say is, despite what many might think, there’s nothing wrong with being an atheist, nor should you be made to feel ashamed of it.

There’s a big stigma surrounding it because of so-called “intellectual elitism,” and people like to whine that only narcissists and assholes who think they’re smarter than everyone else are atheists, but that’s really unfair. There are certainly some atheists who openly mock religions, and are as bad as determined missionaries when it comes to converting people … but that’s their personality problem, not everyone’s.

Being an atheist doesn’t mean being an asshole (that’s a choice). Atheists can actually be some of the kindest people around. And it really does require a great deal of intelligence, empathy, and bravery, to work oneself past religious dogma, especially if you grew up indoctrinated with it.

So I understand why you feel you can’t safely disclose your beliefs (or lack thereof) to people, but I am proud of you anyway, and I don’t want you to feel like you should be embarrassed about it, okay? As long as you have a kind heart, it doesn’t really matter what you do or do not believe. Maybe if you approach the subject from those familiar angles, it will be easier to explain, and you can one day not have to hide anymore.

❤

[strathgirl]

You never think it'll happen to you. That the day would never come when you get a call. A call that would flip your entire world upside down and change your life forever. Since that call, your life will forever be different and a hole in your heart will forever be left empty. People will tell you that it'll get easier, that the pain won't be as bad as right now, but they lied. It doesn't get easier and the pain remains the same; we are just forced to live with that aching, gut-wrenching pain for the rest of our lives. A life missing. A life that no matter how much you pray, cry, and scream, will never come back. You'll ask God why. You'll get so angry at Him for taking such a beautiful, kind soul from you. For taking the only person that could ever cheer you up on a rainy day or the only one who would actually listen. The one who put everything into perspective and told you exactly how it is. He took the person you loved the most and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering why. Why it wasn't you instead. Why it was him. But you'll never know.

You used to tell me to look at the stars because I never knew when it'd be the last time looking at them together. I wish I would've taken you seriously when you said that and not just shrugged it off as if you were invincible. But you were invincible to me. You always told me how you were okay, that you weren't going anywhere. You promised to walk me down the aisle and be there for me every step of the way. You had my back and protected me when no one else did. You always made sure I was okay and if I wasn't, you were right there. I was always reminded that I would see you again, but I never knew that the last time I saw you, would be the last time I saw you for eternity. And had I known that, Dad, I would've hugged you harder and I wouldn't of let go. I would've told you how much I love you, over and over again. I even would've told you how sorry I am for causing you so much hell as a child. How terrible I felt every time I back talked and made you feel so angry at me. I would've done anything to save you and keep you here with me because now I'm a fatherless child who has no idea what to do when things go wrong. I don't know who to turn to when my life doesn't make sense or who to run to when I just need to get away. I constantly find myself ready to send you a call, but I remember that I won't get a response. I keep waiting to wake up from this bad dream, but you're really gone and there's nothing in the world that can change that. My nightmare turned into my reality and my biggest fear came true.

I remember losing you like it was yesterday. The way my whole world stood still and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel. My whole body was numb. My heart was numb. I couldn't process losing you. Watching you lay there, lifeless. You never wanted me to see you like that, but I did and I'm so sorry that it had to end that way. But the thing is, Dad, I couldn't feel you. I wanted so desperately to feel you wrap your arms around me or show me that everything would be okay. You didn't. You were just gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Since that day, my world hasn't been the same. I haven't been the same. How could I be the same person I was before I lost half of my heart? Of course I'm not the only one that's lost a parent, but no one warned me about all the pain and suffering that comes with it. Or how it doesn't end. It keeps going on and on forever and ever. One second I think I'm doing okay, then I remember everything and I break down all over again. It's a never ending cycle. Some days it's bearable and others I scream at the top of my lungs begging for you back. Death changes you. It changes your life. It changes everything. And there's never coming back from that.

Then, everything changed. I changed. I somehow took 20 steps backwards and 30 steps forward. As crazy as it sounds, I actually became a stronger, better me, Dad. Someone you would actually be proud of. Without you I've lost myself, but grown as a person. I'm not sure how that will ever make sense, but even without you physically here, you're still teaching me things along the way. I'm finally at peace with myself, God, and everything in between. I'm finally content and happy. The pain, oh it's never ending, but somehow I bear with it and keep moving forward. The only reason why is because of you. Because you push me, harder and harder everyday. Even if I fall, you're right there to catch me and pick me up again. You remind me of the life I was blessed with and the places I still have yet to go. You remind me to keep going and to not give up. I've tried giving up and you won't let me. The toughest year of my life has been the biggest learning experience and luckily, I'm never alone. You've made sure of that. I might never understand why, but I know you're right next to me every step of the way. And I can't thank you enough for that.

The good memories outweigh the bad. The positive outweighs the negative. Where I lost hope, I gained it back again. You see, it was far from easy. It was an everyday challenge. I would stay in bed for hours each day and not have motivation to move, but somehow you got me to pick myself up and go on. I would lay in bed and stare at your picture and just cry, for hours. Asking God why. I didn't get why it had to be you. Or why it had to be so soon. I didn't know how to handle the death of such a loved one. It broke me and tore me apart. It made me go crazy, insane even. It felt like my world was done and over with, but you gave me hope again. You gave me the strength I needed to live. You showed me why I have to be here and why you have to be there. I'm finally okay with that. I'm finally accepting the loss of you.

You taught me everything I know. You took me under your wing and made me your whole world. From teaching me to drive, to throwing out a line; you were the guidance I needed. Without you, I wouldn't of had anyone. My life would be a whole different story. Luckily, God blessed me with you. Even though time was cut far too short, I was still lucky enough to have had you and all the lessons you taught me. And for that alone, I couldn't be more thankful. You see Dad, from losing you, I've learned how precious time is. How you never know if you're going to wake up tomorrow or if your life will be taken from you. I live every day like its my last, now. I leave no words unspoken. I don't leave things on bad terms with anyone. You have shown me first hand what its like to lose someone without expectation. Without knowing it was coming. And that alone, was enough to change my outlook on life. The hardest time of my life turned into the greatest lesson I've ever learned.

Here's to the lowest time of my life to the highest. The hardest and the easiest. Here's to you. For not being seen or heard, but being present and listening. Somehow you have let me move on and push through the pain, tears, and suffering. I'm no longer numb and I'm no longer afraid to cry. Or to hurt. Because it's all a part of the process. It just shows how much you meant to me and how much of an impact you left on my life. You were so loved and so special to me. Luckily, your memory carries on through me. Even though you won't walk me down the aisle or see the kids I have some day, I know you'll be watching from heaven, smiling down, reminding me to not worry about you, but to worry about me. I know you'll protect us and be so proud of the person I'm becoming and the person I will be. I know you'll always be right there, just as if you were alive. I live my life for me, but I live it for you too, Dad. To the dreams you weren't able to accomplish, I'm here to do that for you. Even when I fall, I know you'll catch me and pick me up again. There will always be hard days, but I'll never be alone.

Thank you for giving me the best life I could ask for and for being the best Dad. For cheering me on and always being my biggest fan. For supporting my decisions, even if they weren't the best and for loving me unconditionally. I'll always miss you and I'll never ever forget you. Days, months, and years will come and go, but you'll live on forever. You will always have a piece of my heart that I'll never get back, until we meet again. I love you.