#dealing with med issues too atm

[wordy-little-witch]

I'm experiencing some Emotions atm so I'm gonna project on my little clown man -

TW for talks of periods

Trans masc Buggy who can't get cut/stabbed/sliced/diced. The availability of hormones and HRT is limited due to both canon scientific development and micromanagement from the government. He's a chemist, so he can synthesize his own HRT ((and has the survival instincts to know they NEED medical professionals, so he probably shares that info with them)), but it's not a one and done type of deal.

In Impel Down, he wasn't able to access his T. He was in there for a few months, so he was having hormone shifts there for a hot minute before finally being freed. It's one of the reasons he kept his stubble - it helped with the dysphoria.

He gets out, gets back on track, keeps the stubble bc it helped, he liked it, etc. He had a few times where he wanted to shave again but decided against it.

Now on to the Evil Polycule.

Crocodile and Mihawk's take over and implementation of Cross Guild came with some changes to the budget, including Croc just putting a full stop on Buggy's chemicals for a time. He decided to bite the bullet and send what he had to the pharmacists to keep them afloat bc he's actually a good captain. He just.. has limited meds for himself.

So it's a few months into the Guild, Buggy has been off T for a little while now, he's not having too many issues, they're all starting to get to an even keel, and they're even expanding the budget for the chemicals for the pharmacy and also his tools for his weapons. Things are looking up!!!

And then... Buggy starts his period.

And he is spiraling.

He holds up in his room, wrapped in a blanket cocoon, in the dark, curled up tightly against the cramps that are hooked into his abdomen and the sudden wash of dysphoria. He's usually better about this. He usually doesn't struggle this much. Somehow this is worse, he doesn't know why, but he is not okay.

He's not okay at all.

Mihawk and Crocodile are left waiting on him for a meeting. And when it hits a certain point, they're angry, annoyed, and they go looking for him (they are not concerned, they tell themselves, they're not-). They find Alvida, Galdino and Ritchie in the clown's quarters. Ritchie actually gives a warning growl, eyes lidded but sharp. Alvida pales but meets their gaze head on. Galdino is shaking like a leaf, but he doesn't back down.

That alone starts ringing alarm bells.

They ask, they get vague answers at best, and then Mihawk catches the scent of blood. He moves in a swirl of black-and-gold, straight to Buggy's room, straight to Buggy.

It's a bit of a hot mess, but there's an understanding that grows. Crocodile understands, sharing a vulnerability of his own, asks tentatively if Buggy has ever reached out to Ivankov.

Buggy curls up further - as much as he can, at least, with Ritchie pressed against his lap and tummy, purring a storm with kitty worship eyes - and admits that he has. Iva's hormone treatments are injections, and while some devil fruit abilities can circumvent others, that's not the case for him. They've tried. The only option to make it work is seastone or sea water on/around Buggy, which could impact the hormones or Iva's abilities as well.

Also, Buggy admits with grit teeth, Iva's tendency to force sex changes as a punishment rubs him the wrong way.

He tells the two dark haired men about his medicines, how he makes them himself and how his stash has been running low; tells them how he had thought he had enough until the shipment came in with the stuff for his weapons making and the pharmaceuticals; he tells them how he'd given his spare stock to the med tents when they joined because of the denial for the existing budget Buggy had in place.

They feel guilty with the realization.

They decide then that since their actions led to this, it is only fair that they assist. Mihawk brews a tea for Buggy's cramps, Crocodile uses his sand as a heating pad, cool fingers brush through Buggy's hair to help with the migraines, a warm hand and hook help support Buggy's weight when the pain crescendos and leaves him gagging.

Between them and Buggy's usual crew, it's the most cared for he's felt since before a booming laugh was cut shirt by swinging blades and a grin splattered messily onto cobblestone beneath sheets of rain.

[holder-culture-is]

hello hello! hope your days been going well.

we've been having issues with our anxiety, worse than usual. and our anxiety holder has just vanished and i dont know whats going on with 'im, he was one of the core fronters (how we refer to our freq fronters) and now hes just not here. and its weird, cause usually when someone goes into dormancy, yknow, theyre dormant? but hes not been around and we've still been anxious, horribly anxious. usually that only happens if hes around front...

May we be 💙🫧 anon? thank uu!

Our day’s been going great! Hope yours has been too :3

Huh, I’m not entirely sure what to say abt this one! Anxiety really sucks, honestly. We’ve been off our anxiety meds for a bit (can’t get them refilled atm) and it’s so strange. I hope you all are okay, that sounds horrible to deal with :(

Ofc! ^^ it’s all yours :3

[arosebyan0thername]

Medical stuff under the cut (nothing like graphic or anything i just wanna complain because I have diseases and I'm always mad about it)

My last cardiologist did several tests, found mild PAC (my atrium sometimes beats too early and out of sync with the rest of my heart but it's uncommon and mostly just an inconvenience/nuisance at its current level), plus the regurgitation in three chambers that a previous cardiologist found (also mild, just means the valves don't close tight so there's a little bit of blood that doesn't pump all the way through every time my heart beats but again it's not a big deal atm), and it's all mild and a lot of people have that stuff BUT because I have EDS (if normal people are held together with superglue I'm held together with silly putty) and I have noticeable cardiac symptoms, it's supposed to be well monitored and we're supposed to be on the lookout for further complications and ways to prevent anything from getting worse. So prev cardio found that stuff, called me in for the world's shortest follow up appt to say "yeah youre fine totally healthy see you in a year bye" and I said hey hang on what about the diseases and he was like "uuuuugghhhh well we COULD do another test if you FORCE ME TO if you COMPLAIN AND THROW A FIT but you're fine and I know you're fine and the test is a waste because you're fine because I said so, so I don't wanna order it and I dont want you to ask for it so dont but if you do then FINE we CAN get a cat scan of your heart but it's USELESS so DONT" (mild dramatization but the tone is accurate) so I left that practice. Just had my first appointment with my new cardiologist who seems to have like actually heard of EDS at some point unlike the last one who needed me to spell ehlers danlos so he could write it down and then asked me what it did. I explained how I felt dismissed by the old one and how when I said I was still symptomatic he said "tough" and it's always Very Scary to tell a new doctor that bc there's a decent likelihood that they'll just assume you're not gonna listen to anything they say and you're making everything up and gonna argue about all of it, but he at least pretended to be understanding which is below the bare minimum but still better than some. We talked about what treatments I've tried before and what my symptoms are, and he is gonna order me a cat scan and suggested it before I said the other one did bc he thinks every EDS patient should definitely have a cat scan bc our major blood vessels are more often than not fucked up and bad at it and that could be where a lot of my issues are coming from, but he did also say that mostly for EDS it's a lot of avoiding things that make us symptomatic bc the problem is usually not full dysfunction but rather lack of regulation. So like I tried a bp raising drug once bc my bp drops too low with certain activity, but it was raising it too high without that activity (he said it should've been prescribed as needed but mine was daily and thats part of the issue). So that's basically gonna be the case with most meds bc my symptoms have specific triggers and aren't just constant, so its mostly what I'm already doing which is just avoiding what are normal everyday activities for normal people bc my body is Bad At It™️ generally. And like, that sucks to hear but I'm willing to accept if thats the answer. I'm not seeking medications (there aren't even any Good Drugs to combat the issues I have anyway), I just wanted An Answer and the previous guy didn't give me one.

Tl;dr, i guess, is that if you hate a doctor and they suck, you're allowed and encouraged to just stop seeing them and go to a different one instead. They cannot yell at you or put you on time out or even like charge you a "leaving the practice" fee or something. It feels scary and not allowed but it's not, you're totally allowed and definitely should.

[xerospaced]

The fur on Shayera's belly is growing back (lots of contractors in the house made us all anxious and she started over-grooming herself bald)

Decided to deal with it in-house since I knew what had caused it and we bonded like that. Also she didn't need additional anxiety of vet. And fuck putting her on meds for an emotional issue that can be managed

Hennyway, I made a point of greeting her each day by sitting her on my lap and stroking her tum while I gave her love and affection. She had stopped spending time in the room with me and Meowlnir during the day, so I made a conscious effort to bring her in and invite her to chill with us like she used to. Didn't take long til she was all up in my space seeking loving again.

Since she was spending most of the day in my presence again, I could monitor her grooming. Had to be v mindful of not dissuading her from grooming altogether, or causing confusion about which behaviour is allowed, so I intentionally wait until she was obviously doing too much before I distract her from it.

I go in with a soft no and some strokes. Tell her it's "too much" and give her a couple lil belly rubs

Her fur is actually growing back very well now

She's got a spotty tum again!!

I had noticed that she'd started on her tail 🙄 so she's looking a lil raggedy Anne atm but I've just been combating it with the same energy and from what I can tell, its working. Its certainly not getting worse and she has no sore patches or exposed skin.

Honestly, just grateful that my cats and I share such a strong bond that I was able to rectify this behaviour with relative ease. The complete trust they have in me is what's made it possible.

[thatfilthyanimal]

Oh I hella meant it, I know I was mostly MIA for a while but every time I've popped back over here it's like... BUT CAN I MAKE THE GHOST ICON WIGGLE AROUND MY SCREEN. ITS IMPORTANT.

Hooray on adulting! I'm sorry you both are getting kicked about by IRL stuff but please, don't feel obligated to be writing or something to be around! You're wanted here regardless of your fandom contributions, always!! But please don't hesitate to reach out if y'all need anything at all, you deserve nice things okay? And if you need an ear about hormone/gyno issues HOO SHIT do I feel that one. Literally the last year for me has been dealing with crap like that and unghghghg you have my sympathies!!

Thank you, life is going ok! Better than it was. It was nice meeting you at MegaCamp! I'm sorry to say I remember very little of it-- I was really in a bad headspace at the time and apparently faking being okay really well hhhhhbutIwasverymuchnotttt however, that weird brainfog has passed and now I'm making it everyone's problem again. Oops.

If either you or Set wanna chat just to chat, I'm running a fairly active Megamind discord y'all can pop into whenever you want! No rush and no pressure, of course. Again please don't feel like you need to be contributing anything anywhere to be around!! There are tons of people lurking this fandom and y'all don't need to be "on" 24/7, real life comes first!! You come first!

I can grab your icon and wiggle it around all over my dashboard again!! tumblr is fixed and I'm stupid happy about it omg Also hi!! I hope you're doing well!

Ha! That's actually really exciting to hear, that the icon-moving is fixed! (Praise be to the hellsite for getting something right for once? lolol) I remember you mentioning it at camp when the feature broke and would periodically check after that to see if it ever got fixed. So yay!

Set and I are doing well :) They're in the kitchen making a Japanese cheesecake and I just shampooed the carpets like a Real Actual Adult.

I know a bunch of other people are wondering as well, so I'll add that Life is mostly pretty great! I'm still struggling with physical health issues--they think I have a hormone imbalance on top of everything else so I need to go see a gynecologist which for some reason is super terrifying to me and so I haven't even filled out the paperwork yet. (So much for being a Real Actual Adult lol) And Set was having what we thought were physical issues but turned out to be a psych med issue which we just got addressed and so they're doing exponentially better already, and it's only been three days. There's other Life stuff, good and not, and one of these days we'll make an update post and get back to fandom and writing fic. But even with the struggles we are together and very happy 💙💜💙

It's good to hear from you! And good to see that you've been back in fandom lately! I hope life is going well for you too, friend 💙

[findingyouagain]

this week ( & this past weekend ) has been one of those "time has no meaning to me" weeks and i iust do not understand how yesterday was monday & today is thursday & where all my time went like at one pt today 6 hrs flew by w/o me realizing & suddenly my dad was home from work

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Fight Club

Character: Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

Summary: Everyone will say Jason Todd is protective of the people he loves. But sometimes independence is more important than protecting. 

Word Count: 4,000 [One Shot]

Warnings: harassment, stalking, general daily discomfort that women have to deal with 

Y/N was so fucking tired.

It was a miracle that she hadn’t fallen asleep on the bus home from work.

But anyone with half a brain knew that doing so in Gotham was basically asking to get robbed or worse.

Never fall asleep on public transit. Only buy purses and wallets that zip close. Never leave any personal belongings alone in public. Never use an ATM at night. Only take well-traveled and well-lit routes. Always be aware of your surroundings.

These were the unwritten rules of living in Gotham. It was how you stayed safe, how you stayed alive. But even when one followed them strictly, that didn’t insure that they would always be safe.

Which is why Y/N noticed a middle-aged man staring her down on the bus. He knew what he was doing. He knew that he was making her uncomfortable. He was clearly getting off on it.

Y/N just blasted the music in her headphones and pretended not to notice. But she could feel his leering and it made her stomach twist into knots.

She looked down at her watch: 6PM.

Y/N knew she could call Jason. She knew this.

It would take her all of 30 seconds to explain the situation, Jason would instantly understand and then be waiting at her bus stop for her, ready to escort her home safely and glare at whoever had made her uncomfortable.

But Jason was probably sleeping still. 

Last night, he’d returned from patrol needing stitches and had so many bruises scattered across his face that Y/N kept messing up her counting. She was also suspicious that his right hand was broken, but Jason brushed if off so smoothly that she let it slide.

The point was that Y/N had managed to force pain meds on her boyfriend. Jason always slept until late afternoon after patrols anyways, basically becoming nocturnal since he often wouldn’t get back until 5AM.

The meds were meant to make him sleep all day and force him to recover.

The stubborn part of Y/N didn’t want to prevent Jason from getting his much needed recovery and rest.

Except this guy didn’t plan on just staring at her.

When he saw that she was getting off at the stop that was just announced, he too stood up from his seat and moved to the other exit that she wasn’t using.

Y/N was aware of all of this, making sure to track him subtly through the corner of her gaze. It was from the conditioning that all women unfortunately had to go through, whether they realized or not.

Without turning around, she caught his reflection in the window of a building she walked past. He kept a distance to remain unsuspicious, but it was obvious that he was following her.

Y/N tried to subtly walk faster. But she also realized she couldn’t go straight home now. Even with Red Hood being her live-in boyfriend, there was no way she was letting this creep know where she lived.

She started taking a strange route, making weird turns. But it was hard not to lose him without fully running, which she didn’t want to do until it felt absolutely necessary.

But then she came upon a coffeeshop that she knew had a front and back entrance.

She quickly went inside and pretended to get in line for coffee. But when she looked for the man in the corner of her eye, he wasn’t going to come in. Instead, he decided to linger outside and wait for her to come out.

Y/N subtly left the line and made for the back exit.

‘Now it’s time to run,’ she thought to herself.

Y/N was grateful that she had decided to wear stylish sneakers today instead of heels.

By the time she reached the steps of her apartment building, she was breathing heavily. She had been looking over her shoulder every few feet to make sure the creep didn’t get smart.

When she reached her door, she made sure to be quiet in case Jason was still sleeping. Then when she reached the bedroom and quietly opened the door, her mountain of a boyfriend was still passed out in bed with his face pressed into her pillow.

Y/N decided to get started on dinner and quietly moved about the kitchen.

But no matter how much she tried to concentrate on her cooking, her mind kept returning to the man who had tried to follow her home.

What would he have done if he found out where she lived?

Did he plan on grabbing her before she got there?

Did he just get off on making women scared?

Was he planning on raping her? Abducting her? Killing her?

The more Y/N thought about it, the more her fear shifted into rage. Why was it so much more unsafe for women to just merely exist in the world?

But she had no intention of telling Jason.

He would be furious. Not at her, at a man who thought it was OK to even make his girlfriend feel uncomfortable and unsafe – let alone any woman. He would go on a hunt for him and teach him a lesson.

Jason Todd was protective of the people he loved and the innocent – of which Y/N was both. But he also had a bad temper. And whoever was the reason for it starting up better run for their life because Red Hood was not a merciful man and his morals were unpredictable.

So, no. Y/N was not planning on telling her boyfriend, who was also secretly a vigilante with rage issues, about the man who ogled her on public transit and tried to follow her home.

But Y/N was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear said boyfriend finally wake up.

Next thing she knew, someone was slowly wrapping their arms around her waist.

Y/N jumped.

Obviously it was Jason. She knew that. This was not uncommon behavior for him.

But after the day she had and being lost in her thoughts, the feeling of someone’s touch scared the life out of her.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jason immediately muttered in a whisper at her reaction. “It’s just me.”

Y/N turned around in hopes of easing any worry before he asked any questions.

“Sorry,” she gasped. “I didn’t hear you wake up.”

But Jason narrowed his gaze at the crazed look in her eyes. He could somehow feel her heart racing as he gripped her torso, and traced lines up and down her rib cage with his thumbs in an attempt to soothe her.

“What happened?” He asked as he brushed some hair out of her face.

“Nothing. I’m fine. I was just in my head and zoning out, so you scared me.”

Jason was basically a human lie detector. So he raised an eyebrow at her attempt.

“Y/N,” he warned.

She sighed and shook her head. “Promise you’ll just listen? That you won’t freak out?”

Now Jason was even more worried. “Y/N, what happened?”

She sighed again, knowing it was pointless to ask him not to freak out when it came to her. Now all she could hope for is that she’d be able to calm him down.

Y/N explained what happened to Jason: the bus, the following, the running to make sure a threatening stranger didn’t follow her home.

She could see Jason’s body getting more and more tense, and his expression angrier and angrier. His hands clenched into fits. His posture straightened with purpose.

“Did he grab you? Did he touch you?” Jason asked as soon as he was sure she was done with her whole story.

“No, but…” her words died out.

“He didn’t have to for you to feel violate,” Jason offered her.

Y/N nodded and hung her head.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Jason asked softly.

“I…I don’t know. I wanted to you to rest.” Then Y/N really thought about it. “And despite his intentions being very clear…there was still a voice in my head telling me not to overreact, that there was a small chance I was being paranoid.”

“Y/N, even if you had been wrong, I would’ve rather you felt safe than worry about being wrong. I wouldn’t have been mad at you, or even annoyed.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Y/N.” Jason sighed and pulled her into his arms. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just love you and want you to be safe.”

She nodded into his shoulder.

———

For the next week, Jason was waiting for Y/N every day after work at her bus stop to walk her home. She didn’t ask him to or even suggest it. But Jason knew she was still shaken after the incident. And the last thing he wanted was his girlfriend living in fear.

On the eighth day of him doing this, Y/N finally spoke up.

“Jason, ya know, you can’t do this forever…”

“I know,” he smirked.

“Why are you smiling?”

“How would you feel about me teaching you some self defense?”

Y/N stopped walking and turned to face him. “Are you messing with me?”

“Nope.”

———

The next weekend, Y/N found herself in the bat cave with her boyfriend, both of them in workout clothes.

“First things first, you have to gain your strength. I can teach you all the moves I want, but you have to make sure your body is in the right condition to defend yourself. And I don’t mean just physically. Confidence is key, beautiful.”

Y/N rolled her eyes at the last part, but still smiled.

“Did we have to have an audience?” She asked as she looked over to see that Tim was on the computer, and Dick and Barbara were working out together.

“Ignore them.”

The next couple of hours, Jason taught Y/N all of the basics of self defense. Especially the tips that benefitted women.

Eye strike. Knee to the groin. Heel-palm attack. Elbow hit. How to escape from a bear-hug attack. How to free herself from a choke hold. How to get out of a headlock.

Y/N was covered with sweat. Meanwhile, Jason looked as put together as he had when they started.

“OK,” she finally said with hands on her hips as she tried to catch her breath. “But if someone that’s the same size as me tried to attack me, I don’t have a chance.”

Jason tilted his head to the side. “And who said that?”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “J, come on. Look at you! Do you really think I would be able to get away – no matter how hard I tried?”

She looked her boyfriend up and down. He was built like a tank, standing at 6’3 and with an almost inhuman width. Just his thighs seemed bigger than her torso.

While Y/N loved cuddly with her giant teddy bear of a boyfriend, she had mercy for anyone that decided to pick a fight with Jason Todd or Red Hood. They didn’t stand a chance.

“Size isn’t everything,” Jason told her with a wink.

She rolled her eyes again.

“Dick! Barbara! Can you come here for a sec?”

“What’s up?” Dick asked with Barbara by his side.

“Y/N thinks that she’d never be able to take on someone bigger than her,” Jason shared with them.

Barbara didn’t even bother trying to hide her laughter.

Dick smirked. “It’ll take a lot of training, Y/N. But don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to kick Jason’s ass. Until then, let us know if he’s giving you any trouble and we’ll handle him for you.”

Jason glared at his older brother, but chose not to give his usual sarcastic retorts. He turned his attention back to Y/N instead. “Dicky here is 5’10 and about 175. Meanwhile, Babs is 5’6 and can’t weigh more than 120.”

Barbara crossed her arms. “Didn’t you ever learn that it’s not polite to comment on a woman’s weight?”

Jason gave her an apologetic look but he knew she wasn’t actually offended. “The point is that I’ve seen Barbara hand Dick his ass more times than I can count. Not to mention guys twice her size.”

Then he looked at the couple and gestured to the sparring mat. “Would you be so kind?”

Dick didn’t seem to have any issue with facing off with his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Barbara looked excited.

As the two of them began sparring, Jason lowered his voice down to Y/N and pointed out Barbara’s strategies and moves. Then he would explain how she was manipulating her smaller frame and turning it into an advantage.

Next thing Y/N knew, Barbara had Dick on the floor.

Dick was beaming up at his girlfriend with nothing but pride and awe.

“See?” Jason muttered quietly in Y/N’s ear.

Barbara laughed and held a hand to help Dick up. He jumped back onto his feet and gave his girlfriend a kiss. 

“What’s going on?” A voice said at the bottom of the stairs.

They all turned to see Damian had entered the Bat Cave.

“Teaching Y/N some self defense,” Jason shrugged.

Damian sighed. “I do not understand why society does not train women to defend themselves – especially when they are not protected from evil men.”

Y/N laughed. “Not everyone was raised by a league of assassins, Damian.”

But then Damian’s words hit her again in a different way. She spaced out for a moment.

Jason looked at her with concern. “You OK?”

She just nodded.

He wasn’t convinced, but let her be. “I think that’s enough training for today.”

Jason’s brothers convinced him and Y/N to stay for a family movie night. 

They used Jason’s old room to shower, since Y/N was covered in sweat by the end of her self defense lesson. Jason gave her some of his old clothes for her to wear that he’d left behind.

When they got to the theatre room, Jason could tell how exhausted Y/N was. She was going to be sore tomorrow – probably for a few days, actually.

She curled into Jason as they grabbed one of the love seats. In moments like these, Jason was always amused how she seemed more like his pet cat than his girlfriend.

Dick and Barbara cuddled together, as well.

Damian brought a book, pretended to already be bored, and acted like he was forced to join family movie night.

Tim brought in his laptop so he could continue to work.

Alfred brought them snacks every so often.

Even Bruce came in halfway through the movie, making his entrance so subtle that they almost didn’t notice.

But lo and behold, not even 15 minutes into the movie, Y/N had passed out. 

Jason ended up having to carry her to his car after the movie – not that he minded in the slightest – and drive home as smoothly as possible, so he didn’t wake her.

———

A few days later, Y/N found Jason reading while lounging on the couch in the living room of their shared apartment.

She hopped on beside him, laying across his chest and sliding underneath his book.

Jason chuckled at her antics and put his book down, realizing she wanted his full attention and not just to snuggle while he continued to read.

“So, I was thinking…” Y/N began.

“Mhmm,” Jason hummed.

“I’m not the only woman in Gotham who’s been harassed. You of all people know that – probably better than I do.”

Jason’s amusement disappeared as he listened to where she was going.

“Did you know that in most big cities, there are almost always more women than men?”

“I did not.”

Then she sat up straight, but remained close to him. “But Gotham is the only major American city where there are 20% more men than women.” She waited for him to interrupt, but he just continued to pay close attention. “Researchers believe it’s because of the high crime rate in Gotham, and therefore it’s even more unsafe for women to live here than men.”

“Makes sense,” Jason agreed. “Why are you telling me this?”

“When you started giving me self-defense lessons and then Damian made the comment about no one training women, I kept thinking how other women don’t have a family of vigilantes to keep them safe or teach them how to defend themselves.”

“I’ve seen enough of this city to know that you’re right,” Jason commented darkly.

“Exactly.”

“You still haven’t explained why we’re talking about this…”

“Right,” Y/N smiled embarrassingly. “What if we – I don’t know – started a center for women to learn what you taught me. Completely pro bono. Like a…”

“Fight Club?” Jason offered with a smirk.

“Well, not exactly. But kinda,” Y/N giggled.

Then she frowned as her mind was still working all of it out. “I just don’t know who could teach it. You and your family are already too busy. Teaching women how to defend themselves is a little beneath you…”

“First of all, it’s not beneath us. But you’re right: Dick barely has a second to spend with Babs. Tim is so sleep deprived that he’s just gonna collapse one day. It also wouldn’t be smart for our cover and show that all the Wayne kids can hold themselves in a fight. People might start putting things together...”

“Right,” Y/N agreed and looked further disappointed.

“Hey,” Jason said with an encouraging smile and lifted her chin to look at him. “It’s a good idea. And between my brothers and me, we know plenty of retired heroes that would be more than willing to help out.”

Y/N’s eyes brightened. “Really?”

He nodded. “Dinah, Roy, Wally and Artemis. Hell, I bet if Bruce mentioned it to Diana, she’d smuggle in some Amazons to really show ‘em.”

Y/N smiled at the idea.

“You should tell Bruce,” Jason added.

“Bruce?”

“He has a habit of blindly writing checks for a good cause. I bet he’d just straight up buy you a warehouse to hold classes in.”

She frowned. “I don’t – won’t he feel like I’m taking advantage of him?”

Jason laughed. “I know he’s shit at showing it, but Bruce likes you. And I think he’d be more than happy to help.”

Y/N’s eyes glazed over. “Bruce Wayne likes me?”

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t let it get to your head…”

“So, you think this is a good idea?”

Jason couldn’t help himself when she looked this adorable and excited. He grabbed her torso and flipped them so her back was on the couch and he was now hovering above her.

“I think it’s a great idea,” he told her softly before kissing her.

But before Y/N could push the intimacy any further, Jason pulled away from her lips.

“I have to tell you something,” his voice suddenly went serious.

Y/N’s smile dropped. “What? What is it?”

“I know you didn’t want me to…”

Then she sat up, lightly pushing Jason off of her. “Christ, Jason. What did you do?”

He took in a quick breath. “I found him.”

“Found who?”

“The guy who followed you.”

“Fuck,” Y/N put her hands over her face. “Jason. God. What the fuck.” “I know! I know. I should’ve told you sooner.”

Y/N rubbed her face and looked at him. “Please, please tell you didn’t kill him.”

Jason had the audacity to roll his eyes. “I didn’t kill him, OK? Happy?”

“No, I’m not happy! You went after him when I explicitly asked you not to!”

“Did you forget that the guy you’re dating is also a vigilante? In what world did you expect me to not look him up?” He shook his head in wonder. “I mean, the idiot’s face was all over the public transit database I hacked when I looked up the footage from the cameras on your bus – not to mention the footage from half the storefronts you walked by.”

Y/N only glared at him.

“Don’t be mad,” he requested.

“Well, I am.”

Jason sighed. Then he scooted closer, hoping she’d allow it. “Look, I get what’s going on. And I get why you want to help all these women.”

She eyed him, but let him continue.

“I’m sure it’s hard to believe, but I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t protect yourself.” He cleared his throat, catching himself. “I know it’s not the same as what women have to deal with on a daily basis. I’ll never really know what that’s like.”

Jason kept all the terrible things he’d seen on patrol to himself. But there were things he knew would terrify and traumatize her. Because of this, Jason wasn’t as oblivious to the suffering of women as the majority of men were. Or maybe he just chose to actually acknowledge it and care.

He took in a deep breath. “But I just hated the idea of someone doing that to you. And I know there’s probably a million times its happened and you haven’t told me, or you didn’t even notice because you’ve gotten so used to it. I just…I couldn’t let him get away with it.”

Jason paused to let her process his excuse. He’d be the first to admit it wasn’t a good one.

But Jason Todd was fiercely protective of the people he loved. And Red Hood’s sole purpose was to protect the those who couldn’t protect themselves – no matter the cost.

So when his girlfriend was troubled enough to lose sleep or zoned out constantly to rehash what happened, he was going to do something about it.

Jason was fully aware of his anger issues. But he also learned how to redirect them to be something a bit more productive.

“So…what did you do to him?” Y/N asked nervously.

He gave her a look, silently asking her if she really wanted to know.

“Jason…” she warned him.

“He had a record, OK? Let’s just say you weren’t the first woman he’s done that to. And a lot of them weren’t as lucky as you. So he got what he fucking deserved.”

“And what is that?” She pushed, refusing to let him gloss over it so easily.

Jason rolled his eyes. “I roughed him up a bit, alright? Told him I’d be watching. Scared the shit out of him enough that, hopefully, he won’t ever pull that shit again.”

Y/N let out a laugh and shook her head at him.

Jason would take her amusement over her anger any day, even if she was teasing him.

“What?” He asked through a grin.

She bopped his nose. “So protective over me.”

Jason had enough of the distance between them.

He moved her body so she had no choice but to sit on his lap. “‘Course I am.”

Then he kissed her. But when he pulled away, his face was rather thoughtful.

“You’re not going to feel helpless forever, ya know.”

They were words to comfort her. Because deep down Jason knew that promising to always be there for her wasn’t going to make her feel better. She wanted him as her boyfriend, not her bodyguard – despite Jason being more than happy to be both for her.

“I know,” Y/N confirmed with a shy smile.

-------------------------------------

Whatcha think?

[loopy-froots]

Introduction Post! (TW: SA, PTSD, etc.)

Hello slasher fandom! I’m fairly new to this side of tumblr, so forgive me if I don’t understand how all this works yet! I just thought I’d introduce myself because I’ve already posted drawings and fanfiction writings so far, but maybe some of you want to know who’s behind it? If not that’s totally fine, just keep scrolling! But if you’re curious, keep reading! Btw! I’d love to get to know any of you as well, so feel free so say hi! :^]

Facts about me:

I go by the name Donn on this blog (for safety reasons I won’t be sharing my actual or preferred name anywhere on this blog, sorry!)

I chose the name Donn because of the name coming from the Celtic god of dead souls (I’m a Celtic witch by blood so I thought it’d be fitting)

My preferred pronouns when I write are she/they (leaning towards she atm because of some personal issues I deal with irl, but irl I prefer they/them more strictly… does that make any sense?)

Anyways, I’m 18+ and I very much prefer my viewers to be 18+ ONLY because of the NSFW content I post… and I also don’t want to influence anyone that impressionable cuz I have a kinda fucked up mindset atm…

But I hope that’s alright! I know kids will do what they want, and there’s not always much we can do to stop it, but please just be respectful of my wishes and DNI!

I have severe PTSD from many irl traumas that have happened to me throughout my life, and I currently live in an kind of abusive household, so my mental health has not been good…

That’s partially why I started drawing and writing fandom stuff cuz it’s currently what’s keeping me going!

I have diagnosed Adhd, but I take meds for it and am doing slightly better with my productivity! That’s why I’ve been able to crank out as much content as I have in the past few days!

I have undiagnosed autism, but it’s a work in progress cuz I’m like pretty sure I am autistic (for many reasons, the more you get the know me the more obvious it’ll get)

I am disabled in many ways: chronic physical and mental pain/illnesses, hard of hearing, etc.

I’m extremely liberal so DNI if you’re gonna be a bigot or anything cuz I will block you!

I have a partner (Who does not know about this blog yet cuz I’m v shy about sharing this kinda stuff with the people I love… partially cuz of my trauma from past relationships)

Ive suffered from THREE separate abusive romantic relationships… all of which kinda fucked with my head… so forgive my insecurities and everything! (I’m working on it tho!) but this partner I’m currently with is AMAZING AND LOVING so I’m v happy with them!

TW! I’m a S/A survivor, and it was by a friend I trusted, so I get very skittish by people irl because of the betrayal… but I find it easier to get to know people online cuz it’s not as traumatic imo

As you can see, I overshare EVERYTHING for literally no reason… like it just gushes out of me without me being able to stop it… Sorry if you’re unhappy with it! Feel free to block me if it bothers you!

I am currently seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist!! They both help me a lot with functioning as a normal person (even tho there’s no real such thing as a “normal” person imo, but it helps me survive in the society I live in)

I used to be goth, but now I’m forever torn between being goth again or being a cottagecore lesbian lol (I usually dress femme even tho my brain makes me feel like a boy a lot of the time…?)

I am extremely bisexual! Like holy shit! How come everyone is so hot?? Lol but seriously, I go all ways (I know some people say that’d make me pan but I prefer the term bisexual over being pan)

I used to be a little, but I’m not anymore because too many people took advantage of me when I was in my little mindset… I don’t let myself regress anymore unless I’m absolutely alone, but that’s rarely ever (my little age was around 10 btw)

I am extremely sensitive and am an empath! I feel my emotions EXTREMLY STRONG so I overreact to everything, am very passionate about the things I’m in love with, and cry at any given moment! I cannot and will not help it! I’ve been told too many times that I’m too sensitive and that I’m a crybaby and that my heart is too big for my body, but I don’t care anymore! Im refusing to see this as anything but a blessing for now on! Sensitive bitches are the baddest bitches lol

I used to get lots of hallucinations/psychosis, but I take meds for it and am now much better and less paranoid!

I still get paranoid about social situations tho for time to time, as im a very insecure person :(

Im a switch/power bottom! I like to be dominant on occasion, but I prefer to be a bratty sub most of the time!

I am a collector of taxidermy things!! I have several insects on my walls, as well as animal paw jewelry! If you don’t like it that’s alright! Just don’t tell me cuz I will block you! I make sure all my collection items are from humane sources and all the animals die naturally in the wild!

I am a HARDCORE clown/masked person fan… like clowns are sooo gay and sexy like why must you jingle jangle your lil clown bells when you dance like that??😩 and masked persons are just so mysterious and sexy omg

Cicero fro Skyrim was literally my clown sexual awakening… murder clown man… with a squeaky voice… yes… must have!

My first sexual awakening tho was probably Danny Phantom (Which is sooo funny cuz my partner actually named themself after him… coincidence? I think not! God does have a plan! Lol jk… unless?🥺👉🏻👈🏻)

Yes, I use the 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 emojis unironically… no, I’m not proud of it😔

HMU if you relate to any of this or just want to be friends! I’m literally so desperate for friends cuz my old roommate made me cut ties with them and then they spread rumors about me to all my other friends until no one would talk to me anymore… :( so I’m v lonely run…

But anyways, yeah that’s basically me… a huge mess but I’m on my way to getting better I guess…?

If you’re still reading all of this, THANK YOU KIND BEING! You are unlike any other…🥺❤️

Okay bye loves!

[albatris]

ik this is probably an inappropriate question to ask but i deal with stpd and just recently discovered this. Previously thought it was just depression/anxiety but ive been on like 7 antidepressants/2 of which were more geared towards anxiety. I was wondering if you take any meds or have any advice you might recommend. Id really appreciate it. Im running out of ideas lol.( Sorry to bother and thank you)

nah you’re all good, I don’t have any problem with questions like this n I’m happy to share any experiences of mine that people might find useful!! though in this case idk how much help I’ll be, sorry D:

mostly about meds but my bad for goin on a whole ramble in the middle about therapy?? I talk a lot and have trouble staying on topic

'cause meds n therapy both have been useful to me but both probably would've been pretty useless without the other

under cut for personal rambles

so I was in the same boat as you for several years, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety and then borderline later on, way way way before anyone landed on schizotypal

as such I’ve been obviously dealing with stpd symptoms for basically my whole life but I only got diagnosed early last year n it’s the first time I’ve been. like. actually in any sort of therapy that addresses it properly and I’m still getting a feel for it

in terms of meds, I’ve been on a whole slew of different antidepressants, didn’t find one that worked until I was maybe 18 or 19? so I’ve been on the highest dose mirtazapine since then....... helps with that kinda baseline anxiety background hum, helps with obsessions and guilt spirals..... I didn’t think it did much for depression until I tried coming off it??

like, it gave me a slight boost in terms of energy and motivation, not a huge one, but definitely noticeable once it was gone

but yeah, it was kinda..... yeah, this med is about as helpful as I’m gonna get, so I decided to stick with it. I recently have considered coming off it ‘cause the sedation was a nightmare, but that’s on hold for the time being

I’ve been on two different antipsychotics, first quetiapine, which did absolutely nothing and was even more sedating on top of the mirtazapine, and currently I’m starting on aripiprazole. still on a super low dose, but working up to something that will hopefully ease some psychotic symptoms. side effects of insomnia and nausea but eased off mostly after the first week

but yeah, I haven’t really had much experience with antipsychotics or how helpful they are yet, atm I’m gonna wait and see whether there’s any real positive effects

but meds are super hard to give advice about, ‘cause different ones work for different folks, what works for me might not for you, what works for you might be something I tried and hated, etc etc etc, y’know

honestly the most helpful thing for me has been therapy, I’ve pretty much been in therapy since I was like 5 and I’ve done a lot of it

meds might be helpful to some people on their own but for me I think they would have been mainly useless without some form of therapy

meds kinda helped with some of the “edges” ie, the resulting depression and anxiety of the personality disorder, hopefully will help with some psychotic symptoms too, therapy has also helped with some of these issues on the edges, and I’m currently addressing some of the more specifically schizotypal core issues, although I will likely have to continue doing the work on those issues for most of my life

if you have a good doctor who listens to you, if you want to continue trying out meds then you might still find one that helps you out! I don’t really have a lot of advice here, because the effects can be so different from person to person. but I’ve found that meds only help on a really small scale, they kind of take a little bit of the weight off but it’s still a whole lot of heavy lifting on my own

so therapy was real good for some of that stuff too, skills for easing some of the load. therapy for me involved Other People, but for others it could involve other resources, such as online workbooks n that kind of thing....... ‘cause I know personally for me I fuckin HATE meeting new people and having to bare my soul for them, so therapy gets. interesting

and I know therapy is not realistic for some folks (and also not what this question was about but I’m just rambling now)

n I know especially that that shit gets fucking HARD when any sort of psychosis and paranoia is involved, in terms of stpd, I flat out refused to speak about certain symptoms with professionals due to paranoia and fear, and had a lot of issues trying to come into a therapy environment and immediately having complete strangers be like “ok tell me about what’s up”

like, no???? fuck off?? I don’t even know you??

n until recently all my therapies where only tangentially useful as a schizotypal, like, I did a bunch of social anxiety stuff which helped with some of the surface level day-to-day social anxiety (not so much the more deep-seated stpd social anxiety, that whole “it gets worse the closer you get to people” type, very fun), I did a lot of work around depression and suicidal urges and goals and meaningful living and whatnot, I did DBT which also encompassed a lot of work on interpersonal skills and handling dissociation and paranoia

n like. some of it was helpful? none of it got to the core of the issue or addressed what I really needed to address

I got super lucky with my current psychiatrist in that she was someone I already knew for around a year and a half beforehand ‘cause she helped out in my DBT group therapy. so I was able to get a feel for what kind of person she was beforehand and got to find my feet in trusting her in a more distanced context before entering one on one therapy. she also specialises in personality disorders and was the one who actually diagnosed me so it wasn’t like she was like “oh you’re definitely schizotypal, I’m gonna just pan you off to someone more experienced now” which was nice

she’s also the one who’s helping me out with meds currently

but ya, therapy can be A Lot, ‘specially for schizotypals who tend to isolate and get uncomfy in those vulnerable scenarios. in order to make the most out of it I have to practice an extremely uncomfortable sort of “radical openness” which is like..... well, I’ve spent most of my life being miserable and unhappy and feeling trapped and stuck in these patterns, and this has gotten me nowhere, in order for something to change I need to be radically open about my experiences

which gets HARD because the knee-jerk reaction to paranoia and delusions is often to pull back and isolate, and often I’ve struggled with the idea that it’s not “safe” to speak about certain things or that something bad will happen if I do

so it’s difficult, but I have to continually commit myself to being open and placing myself in intensely uncomfortable scenarios, getting used to the idea of trust being An Action, and practicing trust even when I don’t necessarily Feel It

that’s been a really helpful outlook for me and the only thing that’s kept me involved with therapy and meds and treatment. idk if it’ll be useful to others. I also know that some therapists and psychiatrists are shit and being radically open with the wrong people can be a nightmare

but it’s something that applies in my other relationships too and with my relationship to myself, so. *shrug emoji*

but yeah. that’s been what’s helpful for me

meds do a little bit of the work, but honestly I still have to pull a fuckload of the weight on my own, I kinda got to the point with meds where I was just like “ok this is obviously as good as it’s gonna get” and just stuck with it......... which is kind of a bummer of an answer

ik that kinda turned into a whole unrelated ramble in the middle there but I hope this kinda answers a bit of your question maybe or maybe not ‘cause I don’t really know what I’m doing

but also

I hope you have a nice day

[weareladyknight]

Lady Knight's Drow Arcane Archer Is Taking Some Paladin Levels!

Thought you guys would be interested and excited to hear this! It got long so everything is under the cut. Also, playing in 5e so following those rules.

So we’re playing in the Forgotten Realms. My character, Aryana, isn’t aimless but she’s not super emotionally invested in the story rn. She has A Quest and she doesn’t want Acererak (very powerful undead wizard) to destroy Faerun for the very Peter Quill reason that she’s one of the assholes that lives there. And so does her entire Drow House and her whole thing is that she will do anything for the benefit of her House to the detriment of herself and people not in her House (she is def Lawful Evil). But you know, she could go off on her own and do those things. 

So Aryana walks into the Yawning Portal Tavern with the party while investigating the disappearance of the uncle of the party’s Druid (the uncle is a former PC btw). This human woman glares at Aryana. And she’s like “what? I’ve never seen you in my life” and the woman’s companion is like “oh, she just hates you because you’re a drow.” And Ayrana finds bigotry hilarious (it’s just been a few assholes weaker than her being mean so she can laugh at it). She starts antagonizing the human woman like “come on, let’s fight, you got beef, let’s take this outside, come on, I wanna fight you, let’s do this.” And this makes the human real mad. She stands up and her form changes... 

It’s Ayrana’s commanding officer, her mentor and she’s pointing an automatic crossbow at Ayrana’s heart and yelling “YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!!! YOU DESTROYED OUR HOUSE!!! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW RIGHT HERE!!!” 

And Aryana is just like “What the fucccckkkkkk?!?” She doesn’t have gaps in her memory and she hasn’t been back home for ten years or so. But this is her CO, her captain, so she’s open to the fact that she might have. Fight breaks out. The captain’s companion teleports out. Ayrana runs outside because she def does not want to be on Durnan the Bartender’s bad side and this really can be settled outdoors. One of the spellcasters knocks the captain out (bad saving throw on her part). 

The Druid wants to take her to the party base for further interrogation because the captain is a Drow and there was drow poison found in her uncle’s house. Ayrana wants to take her captain to the guards because while she is evil, she is lawful and she wants this done properly. But practically speaking, she wants her captain under watch so she can do other shit. 

A five minute argument ensues because out-of-character I was having connection issues and didn’t know about the Druid’s Uncle (we were playing over Discord) and in-character Aryana is so worked up she forgot why they were at the Yawning Portal in the first place. She’s not really... Emotionally invested in her party members and their problems. But that may change as things go on. She eventually decides that going along with what the other party member wants is best. 

They go back to their base, which is in a cliffside cave outside of Waterdeep. And fucking Acererak is there and he wants to talk. But he wants to see how this will go down first and even though the party is pretty eager to know why he’s here, they don’t want to fight him atm so they’re all just like “whatever.” 

They tie up Aryana’s captain, cast zone of truth (she fails the saving throw, Aryana chooses to pass). Aryana kneels in front of her captain and says “I don’t know what I did, but please tell me. If I did do what you say, I will fling myself off this cliff, I swear.”

 And so much shit is revealed. 

1. The captain claims that “Aryana” came back home, asked for some help with her quest and she got a squad of 400 soldiers. As they’re making their march “Aryana” leads them into an ambush. Seventy-five of Ayrana’s comrades die including her best friend. The captain loses an eye in the fight. The only reason they’re not all slaughtered is that their Drow Mother is able to intervene. 

2. Aryana’s like “I do not remember any of that. Also, we live in Faerun, that was probably a doppelganger, or I was mind controlled or any other thing.” Her captain is not hearing it though and they keep arguing and the druid is really eager to get back to the matter of her uncle. 

Tired of this, Acererak is like “omg, fine, it was me. I disguised myself as Aryana and tricked the soldiers into the ambush.” (The lowest INT character in the party guessed this btw BUT the player is in med school and a real smart cookie). Aryana stands up, gets in the lich’s face and is like “I will destroy your phylactery, and then I will kill you. I will not rest until you are gone from this universe.” He’s not impressed. 

3. Anyways, the druid is still pretty keyed up about her uncle and Aryana’s captain admits that it was her and her partner (the guy who peaced out at the Yawning Portal) who kidnapped the Druid’s uncle for the Red Wizards ( some more seriously bad dudes working for Acererack) and he’s probably in Thay (the city the Red Wizard’s control) right now. I s2g if our princess is in another motherfucking castle...  

4. Acererack “threatens” to leave and the party is like “whatever, we don’t actually want to talk to you or for you to be here.” But before he teleports out, Aryana puts down her weapons and unties her captain and starts beating the shit out of her screaming, “You thought it was me!!! You fucking thought it was me!!! How could you!! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” and Acererack’s like “WORLDSTAR!!!” 

5. When Aryana is done (she stops before her captain is killed or even permanently injured). Acerack finally says what he wants. He wants to trade his phylactery (the thing he keeps his soul in) for The Black Opel Crown, an artifact that’s key in a ritual to destroy the world. And the party for so many reasons says “no way in hell, fuck off!” And before they can fight him and take the probably-fake phylactery just in case (the guy we’re talking to is definitely a clone not the real deal and the party is level 14 so they can probably take him) he teleports out, counterspells the warlock’s counterspell so he’s gone. Bummer. 

I don’t think that’s the order it went down in but i’m trying to make it easy to follow here so. 

So the druid and another PC who also has a missing relative that was in the past campaign’s party are fucking chomping at the bit to go to Thay. But Ayrana’s like “no, we are not going in unprepared this time. We’ve done that too many times and our luck is running out. We need to go... To The Library.” 

More miscommunication ensues. 

Once that clears up, the party hits up our most powerful available contact, Syndra Silvane. She gives us a contract for us to sign basically giving us the authority to do whatever it takes to bring down Acererack. Being trigger happy, vengeance fueled adventurers who really like living in Faerun, we sign it. Don’t worry, there are lines we probably won’t cross. Like torture. Doesn’t work anyways. And if we do commit war crimes, I trust the DM to have it bite us in the ass. 

The warlock tells us everything he knows about Thay (he used to live there but since he was only in the poor/merchant districts and he biffs his History check... we don’t learn much). THEN we go to the library to learn everything we can about Thay and the Red Wizards. We realize that we need to fucking go, so Silvane hooks us up with one of her guys that we know and trust to stay behind and do research and send reports to us. 

Then the DM looks at the clock and is just like “this is going to go on forever, we’re gonna stop here and you guys can think about your next move and start planning properly next week.” I am very sad but very excited. 

So yeah, before she heads out to Thay, Aryana is going to go down into a cave (preferably with running water for the Sheer Purpose of Drama) and swear an oath to Lolth that she will take down Acererack and avenge her House and get the two PCs with kidnapped relatives to witness her promise and bind her to it. Then when the time comes, paladin levels. 

Ngl I was a little hesitant to actually multiclass bc Aryana’s an archer and divine smite is melee-only. But she has sickles (stated as short swords) and the idea of the last thing Acererack sees before he dies is Aryana’s hate filled eyes while she’s smiting the shit out of him with the Divine Wrath of Lolth is too good to pass up. 

So, so much credit to the Dungeon Master @blackbeanswithdice for making a great session. I am thrilled about what’s coming next! 

[littleogreboii]

Late night trans boy thoughts

I say late night, it’s like 21:40 here. I’m kind of in the middle of a breakdown atm. My psychology exam went bad on Monday. I don’t have any more school lessons ever, which my brain is still like ‘what’ over. And, I’m meant to have emailed both my photography and art teacher stuff. Also, was meant to put up my stuff for the photography exhibition today, but didn’t. And, my cat has a cut on his head which is stressing me out. So, I’m kind of shakey atm.

To top it all off, my dysphoria is acting up, which is bizarre because I literally felt alright about it earlier. I walked past a kid earlier with my bike and they were like “why is he-” and I wanted to cry. I assume they were going to ask “why is he walking his bike?” but didn’t get to the end of the sentence before one of their siblings shut them up, but I was super happy. (Also, I was walking because stressed out me thought cycling with a binder on was a great idea. It wasn’t, but that’s more because my knees gave up on me.) My dysphoria obviously doesn’t care though because it’s here telling me that one of the siblings probably ‘corrected’ them. Which sucks. 

While, I’m suffering though and as an outlet I thought ‘let’s make a tumblr post’ because watching videos of twinfools transitioning isn’t helping. However, I’m quickly running out of things to say and I’m still shakey.

Well, let’s do story time because that’s always a fun time. Yeah, we’ll do the story of me realising I’m trans to present day.

We need to go back about 2 and a half years for this. This was when gender identity was becoming a big subject in my school, especially when one my classmates came out as trans. At that point, I began thinking about it and my brain began pointing out certain scenarios and feelings. I thought about how as a kid, I’d wanted to be ‘one of the lads’. Like the boys would ritualistically play football and I would always join them. There were other girls that would join in, but I didn’t really interact with them. I just wanted to appear like one of the lads. 

However, even back then it was pretty clear that I wasn’t one of the ‘lads’. I hit puberty pretty early. By the age of about 10, I had started my period and my boobs had begun to develop. I never really liked having boobs. I’ve always viewed them as kind of an irritation, although I’ve appreciated them on girls.

Anyway, at this point, my brain presented the pronouns ‘he/him’ to me and I waved them off. I thought there was no way and my toxic masculinity took over with ‘but you wear skirts and makeup’ and stuff like that. Instead, I went by they/them pronouns for a few months with some of my close friends. However, they never sat right. They made me squirm and I didn’t like that. But, I knew I wasn’t a fan of feminine pronouns either. I pushed through this for about 3/4 of a year, before deciding enough was enough.

I cut my hair short and you know you have people who are like ‘oh you’ll regret that’. I never have. I love my short hair. It highlights my jaw and makes my shoulders stand out. Before, my hair was so thick it was like the width of my shoulders so I looked strange.

Again, my brain was like ‘he/him’??? But, I was now determined to prove how ‘feminine’ I was. I went through a solid 3 months wearing as much makeup as possible and wearing skirts and dresses all the time. I would wear low cut clothing to show off my boobs, and I was so miserable. I hated every minute of those months. I hit such a low point and I just wanted to die.

I don’t remember how, but I stumbled upon gc2b’s website and in a final last ditch attempt, I ordered a binder. I figured, it would arrive and I would try it on and hate it, putting an end to all my affairs. It didn’t. I tried that binder on and I cried because I loved it. My chest looked so good and I tried on so many different shirts from my wardrobe in awe. There was no turning back for me. I didn’t tell anyone. 

I’m still not entirely out, but that’s mainly because I’m at the end of school so I might as well go in with a fresh start at uni. I’m in the process of telling all my close friends, but most of them I’ve been friends with since I was 6 so it’s difficult. However, they’re good people so I’m not stressed about that side of it. My family are the more stressful side to it. My relationship with my dad is very strained, like I hardly speak with him as he had an affair a couple years ago and it was a bit of a messy divorce. I think my mum would be accepting, but I think she wouldn’t really know how to deal with it. That and she would probably end up outing me to virtually everyone, before I was ready. I’m not worried about my siblings and I know most of my cousins would be chill. My biggest concern is my nan. I love her so much and the idea of her not accepting me hurts. My other grandparents, I know, probably won’t accept me straight away, but I think after talking it other with them over a period of time, they might at least be able to bear it. I don’t even want to think about my aunts and uncles. Most of them are assholes or drunks. One of them is a well-meaning homophobe. Like he doesn’t get it, but he accepts that he’s probably just old-fashioned and has asked my opinion on homosexuals on different occasions. So, I think he’d be alright with it if I explained it well enough. 

I think my biggest issue with most of them though is toxic masculinity. I still occasionally wear dresses because I like the swish-swish feel. I don’t own many anymore though because straight after I accepted I was trans, I got rid of nearly all my ‘feminine styled’ clothes. I kept a couple skirts I’d brought during my ‘I MUST BE A GIRL’ phase, but that’s because I’d brought them so recently, my mum would be like ‘wtf these are pretty much new’. However, those skirts were all pencil and I don’t like the way they accentuate my hips. But, I still occasionally buy a dress and I sometimes sit in my prom dress. These don’t really bring attention to my chest or hips, so I like them. Well, the prom dress does, but I only really wear that to twirl around for a bit because it feels great. Honestly, if you’ve never worn a dress, 10/10 recommend if only for the twirl effect. I still wear makeup too. I never really wore makeup to look ‘pretty’. I wore it to see how funky I could do it. Like seeing how wild I can go with the eye shadow.

The thing with realising your gender though, is you’re more aware of your dysphoria. Before, it was a mild ‘get rid of your boobies’. Now, it’s ‘your tits bounce when you walk and everyone can see it happening’ whenever I don’t have a binder on and ‘its not really flat though is it’ when I do have my binder on. As well as, ‘your voice is too high pitched, you write too feminine, and your hips sway too much when you walk’. These are combat-able though. Like I’ll be like ‘not every guy has a deep voice’ and I’ll remind myself of the female dance teacher I had as a kid who had a really deep voice. The ‘writing too feminine’ one is harder because this was something a friend told me. Like he straight up said he didn’t entirely believe I was trans because of the way I wrote (messages and stories). (We’re on better terms now. I explained to him that he hasn’t met every trans guy in existence and my gender is personal to me. He’s apologised and in his own twisted way he was looking out for me because he knows someone who started meds before realising that it wasn’t what they wanted. He also got me talking to one of his genderfluid friends for advice on dysphoria and stuff like that. He just struggled for a bit because his hetero ass had a big crush on me, but he knows that’s his problem to solve.) His words do still occasionally affect me though. I’m constantly reminding myself that writing has no gender. Instead, it is determined by age and exposure to tumblr.

Realising I was trans wasn’t all bad though. I would get romantic attractions to people, but I could never really picture doing anything with them. And, now I understand why. I thought I was asexual for the longest time and I still have yet to change that in my bio, but I know why now. And, I mean some of it is that I’m still maturing and simply not ready for that level of commitment, but a lot of it was due to me realising what’s downstairs ain’t right.

This is my experience so far and I’m a long way away from being anywhere near content. However, typing this has actually calmed my dysphoria a little bit. Although, I’m still no closer to doing that work for art or photography.

[dmcoffee]

Journal is packed away but I need brain clarity.

I think I am sitting pretty between panic and disassociation, so here's me whinging about the chaos to get it of my brain because I cannot find my journal atm.

So! RV's got hiccups. Some of this I expected. My range of solutions and subsequent picking of more mechanically minded individuals brains has netted me bumpkis atm. (Pretty sure there's an electrical issue. Alternator is my guess.) My tools are limited. My funds are limited at this precise moment. (And I have to make sure I'm careful about keeping gas money available so I can work.)

And I haven't been able to really get in there and so any work sealing up holes, because current elevation and lack of a ladder prevents me from monkeying all over it. Still missing two massive windows, rendering it unsafe to use for sleeping atm. And I cannot move it to work on it. I did run some primer on the inside and treated some of the wood pieces (I think I can get by on 1-2 small spackle cans here, the damage there is minor.)

Packing is slow and overwhelming. I think its emotional, but I'll bear it in mind next time I have to go see the doctor. Considering how much my other siblings are getting fascinating diagnosis's recently, there's a chance I too may be not as balanced as I could be with medication or some other accommodation.

Right now however, it's like pulling teeth. And I'm physically exhausted. Pretty sure I've managed to remember all the meals I need to eat. Have more going now because I felt hungry, so I'm trusting that. Also good way to get rid of perishables.

Technically I should be out tomorrow. IDK how the hell that's gonna look. There is still so. much. stuff. And only the van to put what I'm keeping into it.

This place needs to be cleaned too. I'm not sure I can let myself be petty enough to leave it as this guy's problem, even if he is a shit landlord.

I also think I might be getting sick. I'm hoping that this fatigue and that feeling in the back of my throat are all just from stress and allergies. I can't afford to get sick. (I'm an American, duh.)

The really crappy part is I might have to ask to stay at someone's for a while. With my cat...

I do not want to do that. Logically I know that even with it being a temporary thing, it's a big ask. And my friends have said that's a better alternative to me sleeping out of my car...I just feel incredibly frustrated and ashamed to have to reach out.

I've reviewed everything I know about what's happened, and aside from some minor tweaks, I don't think I could've avoided this outcome though...

The mental health had to be addressed. The meds were from my doctor. The side effects weren't caused by anything I did. And I physically could not keep up. My job hunt was long and difficult. I interviewed for the same position at the same store 3 times! And they're still "hiring.". (How???? The place was always packed with eager applicants too.) I wasn't being picky, I just picked whatever I could do that would cover my rent. Not enough.

I had 6 months put back for emergencies like this. It wasn't enough.

I partially paid the landlord and kept him in the loop. (Something he didn't do for me, I might add.)

And then when I looked into what to do once he gave me my two weeks, I lucked into the RV deal. Because rent's too high or with unknown roommates. (Bonus points for them being college guys. I'm don't want to room with guys I don't know. Did ask 1 person I knew, but we couldn't make that happen.)

All in all? It all makes sense. It all sucks. And at most I could've...applied more than just 10 apps per day? That's it, I think...

Yet I still feel guilty, like I didn't do enough, because that's how I was taught you're supposed to think of people. If you can't see them burning themselves out first, then they clearly aren't trying, and are probably just mooches and manipulators. (Ironically, I can't hold this opinion of others, but I sure as hell apply it to myself.)

Even though a few steps here and there might've forestalled worse consequences. (I guess I could've asked for help to pay rent until I found a job, but...I hate that. Intensely.)

So I'm starting to fizzle a bit and I'm going to have to ask, and I hate that. So I'm mad with my situation. Frustrated that I'm not an island and the cool self-sufficient adult I've heard about in grown-ups myths. Mostly I just feel like a very sad houseplant. IDK....

[tiredtoothache]

A Rant & A Half

hey fam, so you might have noticed the lack of posts lately and that’s honestly because I’m pretty unmotivated to do anything atm. I’m not ~inspired~ to write about Jennedy so there will be a small hiatus until I regain that passion! You mightttt get a Back Pocket post or two but I’m not promising anything because I’m in one of those moods where you open the game, look at the main menu and then close it again. 

We’re also at a point in the Fitzgerald Legacy where things are going to go downhill pretty quickly but I’m kind of at a crossroads. I’m rereading notes and plans and I’m not 100% happy with them so I want to take some time to reevaluate them and decide if I want to go down this path, ya know? The things I have planned are quite topical and sensitive and while they’re important for the development of both main characters, I’d like to consider my other options before choosing this one. This probably makes no sense because I’m the only one who knows what’s going to happen, sorry lol

I’m v excited about my new mini-story and I’m so grateful for the support it’s gotten so far! Billie is the new love of my life but I want this story to be a product of complete inspiration and enthusiasm, not something I force myself to do. This story, as is the case with most content from me, will include sensitive issues which I’ll disclose as they’re occurring and deals with some themes that some people mightn’t agree with. I’d like to clarify that just because I write about something does not mean I condone or promote it. My stories are written to be realistic, and the plans I have are things that people go through every single day.

That’s not to scare you off though! Back Pocket will be a much more cheerful, (hopefully) funny and light-hearted mini series than the Fitzgerald Legacy, it will just deal with important / sensitive topics as well. Expect a happy ending though, that’s all I’m saying.

Ya so this is a rant and a half, sorry lads. Hope you’re all doing good and that you’re not too stressed or sad or spaced out! Remember to stay hydrated and to take any meds you may need to take ♥

TL;DR: Fitzgerald Legacy is going on a small hiatus because I’m BORED and unmotivated, both of my stories will feature sensitive themes & I’ll tag and warn accordingly, and Back Pocket (thank you for the support on the 1st post!) will be a light hearted story w/ a happy ending (eventually)

[dxmedstudent]

Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1

Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.

Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need            

Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never.  Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey.  I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as  well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.

Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it.  However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across.  As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.            

[abigailskoda]

The Ultimate Grab and Go Bag

No place is totally sheltered from catastrophes, however it is anything but difficult to make sense of which are almost certain where you life. Our house is in Southern California, so I know to be prepared for seismic tremors. We're in a city of 100,000 individuals, so while smoke from a fire is a customary issue, a wildfire isn't probably going to hit us. We're on a slope, so a glimmer flood can be precluded. In certain zones of the nation, twisters, tropical storms, snowstorms, ice storms and other conceivably perilous issues are common  lequeen backpack Propelled readiness is a vital aspect for enduring any catastrophe. Plan out what will happen promptly subsequently. On the off chance that you have children, who will be accountable for them? Do you have to close off utilities? That is as significant as your snatch and go sack.

On the off chance that this is the first occasion when you've known about it, this is a holder loaded up with the things you'll require most on the off chance that you need to clear your home. We in SoCal call them quake units, since that is the most probable debacle that will require one. After 9/11, the administration started encouraging each family in the U.S. have one, and it's a smart thought.

Where you store your unit will help choose a portion of the things in it. Our own is outside, so I'm not going to place individual recognizable proof data in it. I've just had one unit taken (fortunately less that information), and I would prefer not to hazard it. Utilize good judgment about applying the proposals underneath, as there might be different things you have to place in or keep out of it. It is conceivable you should units, one with the stuff you don't need in danger for robbery.

1) Clothing: You may need to change this by the season on the off chance that you live in a chilly atmosphere. Satisfactory apparel for every individual from the family ought to be in the unit.

2) Cash: If you can, have at any rate 200 dollars in real money clinched. After a catastrophe, ATMs and retail location administrations are most likely not going to be working. Buying things your family needs should be on a money premise. This ought to be put away inside as it were.

3) Documents: These go with the money; inside. Protection arrangements, contracts, wills, deeds, titles and endorsements ought to be taken care of. You may likewise need Mastercard and financial balance numbers. On the off chance that you have a visa, that ought to be incorporated too.

4) First Aid: Disasters can mean wounds. A satisfactory emergency treatment unit alongside a manual are a smart thought. Regardless of whether you are talented in medical aid, incorporate the manual. Dread can cause memory omissions and you may be the harmed party.

5) Medications: Put in at any rate enough for three days and ideally enough for about fourteen days. Remember over the counter meds that may be required. Contingent upon the sort, you might need to store these inside.

6) Pets: Pet food, litter if necessary, pet drugs and at any rate one toy each ought to be in your pack on the off chance that you have pets. Keep a pet hotel or enclosure close by, as you may need to go to a safe house and a ton of free creatures can make for a riotous scene.

7) Phone Numbers: You'll need your insurance agency's numbers (incorporate night-time if material), the specialists, family members and at any rate one out of state contact. In a debacle, one of the principal things individuals do is get the telephone and attempt to call friends and family. The lines can't deal with the volume of calls, particularly the nearby ones. You're unmistakably bound to arrive at an out of state contact than anybody in the state. Ensure this number is accessible to your entire family, as you can see whether everybody is OK along these lines.

8) Photos: Put pictures or recordings of your resources just as how each room looks on a thumb drive and store it in your unit. This will demonstrate what was harmed to the insurance agencies.

9) Distractions: This will pressure each individual from your family. Save something for everybody to do in your unit. Games, bewilders, another toy, a book, whatever can take your psyche off the issues for a brief period is significant.

10) Water: Store one gallon for every day per individual, and more in the event that you have pets. Water treatment offices might be harmed and disconnected for quite a while, making faucet water risky.

11) Radio: A battery fueled radio or TV is a significant expansion. You'll have to recognize what's going on, what is probably going to occur and how to manage it. Authorities will inform you as to whether there is a bubble request for water and of whatever other threats that may be happening around you. Remember to include additional batteries.

These tips are essentials for a definitive get and go sack. Every family ought to modify their sack to meet their requirements. On the off chance that there is a child, diapers and infant food ought to be included. We ladies should include some "ladylike Paper" items. (Stress can begin celebrations sooner than expected...). Certain instruments might be required, for example, a wrench to stop the flammable gas valve. Take these tips and modify your definitive snatch and go sack.

[meiimemi]

My meds have stopped working, I’m depressed and so anxious it’s crazy, have stopped candy and energy drinks/soda in hope of losing weight since I hate everything about my looks atm, I miss my old 50kg natural underweight body...need contacts since my glasses are pressed into my head by my headset plus it’s getting too annoying to deal with just to be able to see, still like Japan but atm it’s only brought issues so I’ll rather learn Chinese.. #mentalhealth https://www.instagram.com/p/CBJoulKjr6l/?igshid=r1rn1nwlaaok