#especially if my boy brennan gets to play at the table

[greyias]

Bless you YouTube algorithm, for correctly guessing that I needed to know this existed:

[jennegatron]

For the ask meme. Theo. Hardwon. Aaaaand hmm.... dealers choice from neverafter.

Oh my goodness, thank you. 3 absolute gems. I'm SO sorry that this is so long, I just have a lot of thoughts, especially about Murph characters, but also just generally.

Theo

How I feel about this character oh my boy, the boy of my heart. I love him. His heart is so big, he loves so much. He's so kind and forgiving and sweet. I also love a man who lets a woman be in charge. More men should have a mean bisexual girlfriend/fuck buddy who bosses them around.

All the people I ship romantically with this character Gooey. I think that he needs someone who will be the one to initiate with him. Above the table, Brennan is the only one of the intrepid heroes who will go at someone that hard. Murph as a player doesn't really have romance at the front of his mind when he plays. He'll do it if it makes sense for the character or if it makes him laugh (Jens & Mac Son of Mumford), but he's not really one to pursue it or initiate. Like he does his best to shut down anything for both Riz and Kugrash. Gerard comes in married and even though Barry is the hunkiest of hunks, it's not something that character cares about. At the table, Theobald Gumbar is not a guy who lets himself be distracted from his work by lust or love, and I think that's central to his character. It's why even with everyone's permission he doesn't pursue/further his relationship with Gooey until after the battle for Castle Candy. He keeps his eye on the prize. I love the beauty and power of Gooey. He's not expecting it and it truly blindsides them both. Murph understands Theo's game of being a flunky and follower so well that when threatened by a big buff powerful chocolate lady, he simply has to say yes, you could dominate me. I do think you can make compelling cases for other characters but they're all unrequited/unconsummated to stay in canon. Like a Theo that's in love with Amethar is interesting. A dynamic with Calroy where he takes advantage of Theo's inexperience and knowledge is a fun sandbox to play in (though I think it just simply couldn't happen based on what we know about Theo. That's a ship that centers Calroy who is a fascinating bastard.) I don't mind ignoring canon at times so that you can set up the parameters of your world and see what happens under those circumstances. I think that's fun

My non-romantic OTP for this character I think about Theo and Toby so much. Theo stays busy and I think feels fulfilled by his work, but I think a lot about how few friends he has in Castle Candy. Like there is just a power disparity between himself and the royal family. They're not his friends. most of them find him annoying. Calroy seems like someone who is annoyed by him too. That His relationship with Lapin is one of deep mistrust. It's really only Toby we see him interact with, and in that interaction we get like low key rivalry with Amanda Maillard. This man does NOT have friends other than sprinkle & Toby. Sad! and then Toby dies and no one else even cares!!! Part of why i like Gooey. that's a friend who will fuck his brains out.

My unpopular opinion about this character My dislike of Theopin. I have so many things I don't like about the way Theopin gets talked about in the fandom. I don't see the Theobald I know and love in that vast majority of theopin content. I think Theo's hatred of Lapin as a member of the church was truly felt by him. I think the thing that could have allowed Theopin to happen was them bonding over non-bulbian magic and Lapin's life and debt to the sugarplum fairy precluded that from ever happening before the events of the season. Besides even if Lapin had lived, Zac is also not a player who goes for a romance angle really. He really only does it when he either 1. comes into a season with it as a goal (Esther and Ricky) or 2. if he thinks he won't have to live with the consequences of that choice (Not knowing FH would go into multiple seasons explains the Ragh kiss, and how he just immediately forgot about zelda in sophomore year, how the gorgug/zelda breakup is a total non-factor in junior year, Mary-Ann Skuttle happens in the last hour of the last episode because he thinks it's funny, how Lapin is gay confirmed only happened in the time quangle. He passed up on every Colin/Deli opportunity. It's just not Zac's game. He's very predictable in that exact way.) Also I think it's good that in the penultimate episode he decides that he cares more about magic than the crown and would stand by Saccharina regardless. Lazuli would be proud. Also, he has been cool the whole time!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon. I am a Theobald is bisexual truther, he's just repressed and married to his job. That bisexual virgin is 50 years old when Gooey fucks him for the first time. Muprh, please confirm that Theobald is a perfect bi disaster.

Hardwon

How I feel about this character What a guy. One thing that's true about me is that I looooooove stupid men. Hardwon Surefoot, you're so stupid and I love you so much.

All the people I ship romantically with this character Hardwon & Gemma made me CRY. DEVASTATING. Hardshine is so sweet, I love them.

My non-romantic OTP for this character Hardwon and Maw Maw, greatest platonic love story ever told.

My unpopular opinion about this character I don't think I have one! I am so much more obsessed with Beverly Toegold IV that I poured all of my attention and opinion creation into him. I love middle aged men!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon. I want to see the boobs reunited in the astral plane. RIP Beverley's boy angel voice. Hardwon you HAVE to tell Moonshine you love her.

Prince Gerard of Greenleigh

How I feel about this character SAD! he's TRAGIC. he loves his wife SO MUCH. and he's so ill equipped by his life to be a good husband before the events of Neverafter.

All the people I ship romantically with this character His beautiful wife Elody

My non-romantic OTP for this character Gerard and Ylfa have the most incredible dynamic. Adoptive uncle and rambunctious preteen girl. Both grappling with their monstrosity. Gerard modeling unconditional love for the people he cares about. That he would love Elody even if she was a spider just like he loves Ylfa even though she's a wolf. The end where she carries Gerard and Elody out???? That's my fucking shit.

My unpopular opinion about this character Do people have opinions about Gerard? I feel like people were way more invested in Rosamund being a lesbian or Ylfa and Pinocchio or something. I think that his reaction in the castle where he tries to get Elody to believe him and pukes in the hallway is so deeply sad and funny and real. You have all of this history with this person. You've changed so much in such a short amount of time but they didn't see it. they only know who you were before you were separated. She found HIS BODY. He's a FROGMAN. Leap of Faith you are everything to me.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon. I'm okay with the gerard & elody divorce but only if we flash forward 2 years and they get back together better equipped to be partners. ALSO, i wish we had been able to see WHY the sword of truth didn't confirm that elody loved him. it didn't say she didn't love him. Rapunzel, I'm so glad you got eaten by the frog man you bullied. Murph WHY did you decide not to reconcile with Elody. She still loved you 😭. i do admire the bravery of not getting a happy ending, but it would have hit so good for me personally.

[thevalleyisjolly]

for the fandom of your choice/whatever is more applicable (although if u have any spicy d20 takes 👀👀): 3, 5, 7, 13 and 18

Ooh, thanks Jack! Had curry for lunch today so I'm full of spice and ready to let loose!

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

I stay out of the general tags for a reason, but my top 3 all fall along the same lines - the idea that K is a "toxic" person to pair with Evan because they don't really "see" him for him (...which is exactly the flaw and the room for growth that Erika built into the character), the idea that Ricky was "bullying" Cody because he was upset about Cody's cultural appropriation, and the whole non-consensual brain surgery thing with Norman.

(The common theme is people accusing Asian PCs of being mean to their white faves and therefore deserving of all sorts of bad things. Funny how that's happened not once, not twice, but thrice, huh)

5. worst discord server and why

As most of my friends and IRL classmates can tell you, I'm not super active on Discord and am horrible at answering messages in a timely fashion, so I don't actually have a server that I particularly dislike!

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

Keradin, Limon, and Evan Kelmp are the first ones that spring to mind. Keradin actually has some interesting character beats and flaws but I've never seen anyone try to engage with him as his own character, they just interpret everything he does as part of a relationship dynamic with Lapin. Limon is a fucking background comedic NPC and I am still annoyed that during and after the season, people were willing to credit him with so much complexity and interiority while downplaying/outright shitting on the actual PCs.

With Evan, I'm not a huge fan of the character concept to begin with but I'm even more livid that in one of the most diverse D20 seasons, fandom actively sidetracked and ignored and even denigrated every other character in favour of the sad white boy played by the sole white player at the table. To be clear, Brennan is great, nothing against the man, but I was in the tags when the season aired live and about 95% of the posts were Evan-centred. Sam, Whitney, and K barely showed up unless they were interacting with Evan or did a particularly funny bit. And that's not even getting into the hate and criticism that got thrown at K for daring to be in a mutual romantic relationship with Evan.

13. worst blorboficiation

See previous question, but oddly enough, I also feel like Emily gets this treatment sometimes? It's complicated because there's one portion of the fandom that acts like she's a terrible chaotic player who keeps trying to fuck up Brennan's plans for shits and giggles (which is outright wrong and misogynistic) and then there's another portion that acts like Emily's characters can do no wrong and Emily may in fact be the only player at the table who knows what she's doing at any given point in time while the rest of them are just comedic yahoos fumbling their way through dice rolls and jokes. Which, placing women on a pedestal is in fact also sexist, and it's not any better than the misogyny you're responding to. It's a huge disservice to the cast and it's especially a huge disservice to Emily - she creates incredibly complex and well thought out characters who have their strengths and their flaws, and acting like they're all perfect girlbosses who are right even when they're wrong erases so much of the depth that Emily put into them.

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

I mean, we all know my answer is of course going to be Cumulous Rocks, but as per a recent post of mine (and many posts in the past), the answer is also more broadly applicable to Zac and pretty much all of his PCs.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey! did you listen to the new dimension 20 show they started? I'm excited to see a new DM on the team and was curious to hear what you thought about it

oh MAN I'm so glad you asked, because I was gonna post my thots about the new characters whether anyone asked for it or not, because I love them all so much!

Whitney is such a gem! he initially comes across as such a typical dumb jock, but he has SUCH a good interpersonal intelligence and natural leadership that's SO well-acted by Lou. he sort of reminds me of Bellow, a character from Rude Tales of Magic who's 100% a hot idiot frat boy but is also very soft and emotionally aware and overall a very Good Boy. LOVED to see Whitney so quickly stepping up to take on a unifying leadership role for the group, especially when he SKEWERED whatever Aabria was planning by intervening in Evan's meltdown.

Dream is so SO interesting to me right off the bat, and I love that Erika didn't stop at parodying and making fun of Harry Potter and went ahead to poke some fun at more toxic aspects of fangirlish culture as well. from the initial acknowledgement that she is basically a cyberbully working in the name of "accountability" to her straight up admitting that she has a hard time interacting with people without breaking them down into tropes, there's a LOT going on there that I REALLY hope there will be time to deconstruct and explore in the remaining episodes. failing that, I hope she can at least have an arc about learning to embrace pink glittery things.

Sam is so fun and upbeat! I'm really excited to get to see more of her and Danielle in general, since she's the only cast member who I'm not already familiar with. from what I've seen so far, she seems funny as hell; the way she set up the cucumber and sausages joke and the name of her pig familiar were both rock solid goofs, and I can't wait to see more of that sense of humor. of all the PCs I feel like we go to know the least about Sam outside of her initial gimmick as a content creator, but I can't wait to learn more about her - and her relationship with Dream! WHAT is the history!!

Aabria is a great GM!! she seems so completely at ease running the table and making the dome her own, and is so SO great at blending her humor with her players' and supporting them to build out funny scenes - right out of the gate, her playing all of Whitney's teammates was pure gold. I adored her as a PC in Pirates of Leviathan, and this is only making me want to track down and watch every session she's ever run anywhere. summer of Aabria, baby!!

what do I even say about Evan Kelmp? probably the same thing my housemate said REPEATEDLY while we were watching the first episode, which was "WHAT IS INSIDE OF YOU???" I'm a huge sucker for nice characters being plagued by some evil bullshit they want nothing to do with, and Brennan is playing Evan with a great mix of painful sincerity, high anxiety, and unpredictable outbursts that is SO compelling. I see a lot of comparisons to Gilear, but honestly Evan reminds me a lot more of Ayda, and I LOVE how Brennan plays Ayda. either way, can't wait until he unhinges his jaw like a snake and eats Harry Potter Digsby Whatshisname alive.

love them!!! love them all!!! I can already tell my biggest complaint about the season is going to be that there's no NEARLY enough of it.

[non-neutoniangender]

So I'm finally getting around to watching Calamity, and oh boy do I have some fun thoughts. First off, I've been watching with a dimension20 fan who im close with, and thats been really fun to see.

I really love Brennan, like, he's really killing it.

Marisha ray yet again brings another character i would like to fall in love with (oops)

Aabria is killing it again, oh my god

And sam, the gall

The part where we have ex spouses in the same party is really great actually, especially because you can see both where the chemistry is, and where it isn't and why things are how they are.

Cerrit is fantastic as are everyone else, I especially love Lou's presence as Nydas at the table.

Its so crazy to see the workings of the Age of Arcanum, its really a different world.

Like having your job being just dimension door-ing around until you run out of spell slots? Wild.

I cant wait to see how everything plays out so I can finally watch the retrospectives, I just love the lore to be honest.

[jq37]

IDK IF YOU'VE SEEN IT ALREADY BUT THERE'S A BEHIND THE SCENES FOR BLOODKEEP WHERE THEY TALK ABOUT SOME STUFF THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. Please share your thoughts

**spoilers for just like, all of bloodkeep**

***also, finale thoughts are coming, I had technical difficulties w/ the dropout site this weekend when I sat down to rewatch for notes***

OK, wow, I was NOT expecting the BTS video to THAT illuminating. I thought it was gonna have some cute cast stuff (which it did; I loved all the stuff with Matt and Rekha especially). Not, like, wild behind the DM screen plot twists. OK, taking it chronologically:

I can’t IMAGINE Rekha in Fantasy High. The energy of her and Emily at the same table would be so much. I will always be haunted by the knowledge of what could have been. 

Trapp buying monster manuals as a kid had big Sohkbar energy. Also, mad at myself that I never made the Hagrid connection because that is so what he’s doing all the time. 

“That’s Knife backwards and she’s very proud of that and so am I.”

It never occurred to me that Maggie has a full name tbh.

“Murderous Rodney Dangerfield.”

Matt can’t even even stop RP’ing during his interview.

I can’t believe this was a TWO DAY SHOOT. I thought it was at least 3 days. And, for some reason, I thought it was weekend shoots, not back to back days (prob cause my group is weekly). That means this was mostly super off the cuff. There wasn’t a lot of time to mull over strategy on the car ride home or whatever. This was such a roller coaster stretched over 6 weeks. Imagine it in 2 days!

Brennan at the camera with absolutely no prompting: Hell yeah!

OK 

THE BATTLE

Ooooh boy

So, in case you didn’t watch the video, what was SUPPOSED to happen was they would go down to the evil basement and then only one of them would be able to go on the boat. In order to get on the boat to hell, they would need to get a blessing from one of the statues. Four statues, six PCs. Brennan tried to lead them to a PvP endgame. THE PLAN WAS ALWAYS A PVP ENDGAME.

WHAT?

There is just SO MUCH to unpack here!

Like, OK. These guys are evil, right? Like, they casually talk about genocide all the time. That’s USDA Grade evil. BUT. They’re not mean. (OK, to the odd NPC but I’m speaking generally). When they all start off, the only real animosity in the group is Sohkbar towards Leiland for not being great with the wyverns and then there’s a little cattiness between Leiland and Maggie. But that’s it! And, like, Efink and Lilith read as straight up besties from ep 1! I NEVER felt the game leading towards any kind of group dissonance. From episode 1 there was a, “We’re all in this together,” vibe. They decided that so early on and they stuck to it. (In fact, they MADE MORE FRIENDS on the way!)

It’s like, Brennan told them, “You’re evil,” but he never said, “You don’t like each other,” and that made all the difference. 

Like, even in the pregame interview, Amy says something like, “I get to play someone evil whose ultimate goals will still help the people around her.” 

When you’re playing with players who are decent people irl and who haven’t been given a good story reason or the explicit direction to go turncoat, I feel like most peoples’ natural inclination isn’t to do that. 

AND. AND.

Knowing that the game was supposed to end with a Super Smash Bros Free for All, the fact that episode 5 was all epiphanies and hugging and feelings is that much funnier. That wasn’t the boatman telling him to stop hugging. That was Brennan, the DM that knew his sick plans just got jossed to hell. 

I love that Brennan said that the sweet character moments were completely unprompted by him but, as a viewer, they play as the most logical actions by these players. I was like, “This ISN’T what you wanted to happen?????” They felt like totally planned arcs! Brennan is so good at rolling with the punches. I feel like he must have accepted it by that point in ep 5 because, the way he was describing those falls (except for maybe Lilith’s looking back) read 100% to me like people who were having a near death experience that was going to bring them *together*, not the other way around. And, if it wasn’t, that’s how 6/6 of them took it so…

There was way too much time for these PCs to bond for this to end in PvP. The opportunities for backstabbing would have had to be planted WAY earlier for it to maybe work, imo. Or some kind of gollum/crown mechanic for craziness to spur a betrayal. 

This also explains why Bren kept prodding Lilith about how the crown should have been hers. Lol, and instead of staging a coup, she called dibs on the godmom position. BLESS.

IMPORTANT EDIT: I was thinking this so hard that I thought I wrote it but turns out I didn’t. If Brennan had forced them into a Thunderdome situation, I am 100% convinced it would have ended with everyone (except maaaaybe Markus) just bowing out to let Maggie win. Lilith and Leiland for sure at the very least and they for sure would have enough firepower to fight off everyone else if need be. (Efink would be next on that list after her near death moment of clarity.)

Brennan mentioned how wild Maggie and Leiland’s collective arc is and he’s right and I wanna talk about it more later. 

THE GHOST FIGURINES. Oh man, that would have been dope. I’m glad about how it ended, but that could have been cool. 

HOT SCORPION DAD. 

Nevermind, this is the bad ending, we were robbed. 

[let-it-raines]

Second in Command (34/35)

Summary: Life as the “spare to the heir” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be when you’re the supposed screw-up of the family, but people don’t know what really happens behind closed doors. 

Rating: Mature

A/N: I’m just going to throw these words at you and pretend that I haven’t already written the final words to this story. Thanks for being such wonderful readers for all this time! I really, truly appreciate it! 

Double line break of “-/-” means we’re changing POV and skipping ahead in time!

AO3: Beginning | Current

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“Darling,” Andy says out of nowhere, and Killian practically snaps his neck with how quickly he turns around to look at his son who is cupping his wife’s face with his small hands as he speaks to her with an intense focus, “listen.”

“I am listening, Andy,” Emma laments as she looks directly into Andy’s eyes while her legs are still covered with all of his toy trains.

“No, darling,” he sighs, making just the most ridiculous face that makes Killian feel such a kinship with the way that he moves his small brows across his forehead, “listen. I want biscuit.”

Why the hell is he calling Emma darling? What has made him decide to do that? And he’s definitely not getting a biscuit when he’s already had one today and they’ve still got to go to his parents’ house for dinner. He’s already going to be rambunctious because he’ll be around Alex and Lizzie. They’re so much bigger than him, and as nice as they are to him, they don’t exactly wait around for a one-and-a-half-year-old when they can run so much faster.

“Andy, what is her name?” he asks, pointing at Emma simply out of curiosity. “Is it Mummy?”

“Nooo,” he laughs as if Killian has just said the most ridiculous thing in the world, his blue eyes lighting up with such joy that Killian can’t help the way the corners of his own lips tug up into a smile. “She’s darling.”

Andy doesn’t quite say the word correctly, a few letters changed with others, but he has no trouble understanding exactly what his son is saying. It’s taking everything in him not to laugh. He doesn’t want Andy to think he’s laughing at him. He simply wants to laugh because his little lad is convinced that his mum’s name is Darling, and Killian doesn’t hate it. He actually quite loves it, but it does mean that he probably needs to start calling Emma by some different names more often.

“I like when you call me Mommy,” Emma sighs, lifting Andy off of her lap and up in the air while he giggles.

Emma looks over to him, a watery smile on her face, and he simply reaches over and places his hand on her shoulder, squeezing the soft material of her t-shirt. She’s been having such a hard time lately, and even when she’s happy he can still tell how upset she is over not being pregnant yet, how much it’s weighing on her mind. He is too. He wants another child so badly that it physically pains him sometimes, but he also knows that with how Emma is blaming herself, he could never say that. It’s not her fault. It’s no one’s fault, and he remains optimistic that things will be okay despite months of heartbreak.

Besides, they’ve got this lovable munchkin who means the world to him even when he’s having a crying fit so loud that Killian swears his eardrums have burst. Maybe his eardrums did burst and that’s why it doesn’t bother him so much anymore.

“Biscuit,” he repeats, and Emma’s eyes roll before they crinkle, lines forming that she claims are from her being thirty, but that he knows are from laughter. Laugh lines are the good ones, and he’ll be a wrinkled up old man as long as it means that he’s lived a good life.

“After dinner, Andy. We have to go see Gammy and Grandpa. And Alex and Lizzie.”

“Yay Lizzie.”

“Yeah, yay Lizzie,” he laughs, clapping his hands together and reaching over to take Andy out of Emma’s arms. Alex would be so mad if he knew that Andy preferred Lizzie to him. He wouldn’t care about it until he found out, but oh boy would he care afterward. “We’re going to see Gammy, Grandpa, Liam, Abigail, Alex, and Lizzie. And you can play with your horse.”

“I love how you say that like it’s an actual horse.”

“Maybe one day it will be. I’ve still got to get out there and teach you how to ride. We should go to the stables next week. The weather is supposed to be nice, spring finally coming in.”

“I’m not going to go spend a nice day out getting my teeth knocked out by a horse.”

“Oh, come on. That won’t happen.”

“It will.”

“It won’t.”

“Darling is silly, Daddy,” Andy laughs before crawling out of Killian’s arms and waddling over to play with his trains again while Killian can’t even bother to hold in his laugh, especially when he twists his head to look at Emma and sees how her cheeks are flushed.

“He takes too much after you. Just saying. Far too cheeky.”

“That is not at all a bad thing.”

“Yeah,” she sneers, even if there’s no venom behind it, while taking the toys off of her legs, “whatever. I’m going to go get dressed to go to your parents’. You can handle your mini me.” Emma stands only to immediately sit back down, her eyes tightly closed while her hands grip into the cushions, the material bunching as much as it can while her knuckles go white.

“Darling,” he whispers, reaching over and laying his hand over hers while his heartbeat ticks up a few paces, worry settling itself in his stomach, “what’s wrong?”

“I’m dizzy. I don’t…It was just for a moment. I stood up too quickly.” Her eyes open again, but she doesn’t look at him. “I’m fine.”

“Emma, the last time you were dizzy you were – ”

“Don’t. please don’t. I can’t think about that right now, okay? And before you ask, I don’t want to take a test. I’m tired of them and of getting my hopes up. We have to go to your parents’ place. I don’t have time to get upset about everything again.”

“Can we at least talk about it later?”

“I don’t know,” she mutters before she’s slowly getting up from the couch and walking out of the room.

He doesn’t want to get his hopes up either, but they already are. How could they not be? He just wishes that she’d talked to him, that she’d take a test and make sure she’s taking care of herself. Watching her faint in her early weeks of pregnancy with Andy was terrifying, and he wants her to be safe. He knows that she is, that she will be, but he also knows that this is now all that he’s going to think about for the rest of the evening.

And it is, even as they eat dinner with his family, the conversation flowing across the table from nearly everyone but Emma. She really only talks to the kids when they talk to her, but she will join in on occasion. It’s bothering her too. He can tell. Liam’s been telling a story about his time in the Navy, talking about some antics he and his mates got up to, and even with everyone laughing, Emma doesn’t. Maybe she’s heard the story before. Liam does tend to repeat himself when it comes to his younger days, but he believes that Emma’s simply preoccupied with her thoughts.

He wishes he could take her out of them.

“So Killian tells me your house is nearly finished building. Are you excited? Emma? Emma dear? Are you excited?”

“Oh yeah,” she startles, fixing her napkin in her lap and straightening up. “I’m thrilled. It’s absolutely beautiful, and I think we’ll be able to move in over the summer. I think Andy’s really going to like the pool and having the backyard. He and the dog are pretty much the same that way.”

“You’ll have to come see it, Mum,” he says, reaching next to him and resting his hand on Emma’s thigh, tapping his fingers against her skin so that she can feel him. “The master has these windows that open up onto a balcony that’s just over the garden and the pool, and you’ll love the kitchen.”

“I’m just sad that you guys are moving away from us,” Abigail whines, looking at Emma before glancing at him. “I know it’s only twenty minutes, but that’s so different than being able to walk over to visit.”

“Abi, they’re probably leaving so that we can’t do that anymore.”

“Damn, you guys have discovered our secret,” Emma laughs, a genuine smile forming on her face for the first time in a while. “I’m going to miss you guys too, but I’m sure we’ll still see far too much of each other. We just want the space to raise Andy, you know? And we don’t always have to be near the offices like you guys.”

“We completely understand, Emma. I’m simply teasing. You already know that I’m going to be bothering you all the time. Ruby and I will, really.”

“Ruby asked for her own room there, so she might move in.”

“With Graham?”

“Nah, he’ll get to stay at their home. They can visit each other on the weekends.”

“That’s quite the marriage there,” Liam laughs.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Abigail playfully laments, leaning back in her chair and stretching her arms over her head, “only having to see my husband two days a week sounds like a grand plan.”

“I’m sitting right here.”

“I know, darling. I’m hoping that you get the hint.”

“Darling!” Andy squeals, and Emma looks at him, her lips pressed tightly together for a moment until her entire face lights up in laughter while his does the same, the both of them unable to hold it together over his new obsession with the word.

“Have you two gone mad?” Brennan asks as he takes a sip of water.

“No, it’s just,” Emma giggles, reaching over to get Andy out of his high chair so he can sit in her lap while she smooths his hair back from where it had gotten a little wild. It’s got a curl to it now, almost like a swoop, and either he or Emma are always trying to calm it down. “Andy started calling me Darling today, so he really likes that word. I think he might think it’s my name even though he knows that I’m Mummy, right?”

“No. You’re Darling.”

“That’s adorable,” Abigail sighs. “Alex and Lizzie never do things like that.”

“Because your name is Mummy,” Alex says flatly as he squirms in his chair. “Can we go play now?”

“Finish those peas, and then you can go.”

“I’m finished,” Lizzie points out, pushing her empty plate forward.

“That’s because you like peas, Elizabeth,” Alex murmurs under his breath in the same manor that a teenager would. He’s six, but he’s got some spunk.

“My name is Lizzie,” she spits back, huffing her chest up to make herself bigger. This is obviously a fight they’ve been getting into lately, and so much like with Andy, even when he shouldn’t laugh, he can’t help himself. “I don’t like Elizabeth.”

“Guys,” Liam sterns, staring the both of them down with the same glint in his eye that Killian remembers Brennan getting when he and Liam were younger, “calm down. Alex eat your peas and stop teasing your sister. Lizzie, why don’t you take Andy with you so you guys can play in the playroom?”

“I’ll go with them,” his mum volunteers, pushing back in her chair and walking over to the other side of the table so she can take both Andy and Lizzie to the playroom. “I think I need so Gammy time with my grandbabies.”

“Andy is the only baby.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Allison says, her face stern. “I think I need some time with my grandchildren and then my one grandbaby.”

“Thanks, Mum,” he and Liam say at the same time before everyone dissolves back into conversation, Alex eventually finishing his peas and running off to the playroom to join his sister and his cousin far before dinner ends and everyone goes back to their respective homes with children who stayed up far too late and ate too many sweets. Andy finally got another biscuit, even if it was a small one.

After they have him asleep in his crib, they both walk to their room so they can change out of their dinner clothes and into pajamas. It’s been such a pleasant day, May deciding to actually be warm for once, but their house is cold enough to still need to dress in thicker pajama bottoms, most of which are already packed up in moving boxes. He’s just pulled on a t-shirt, his head getting stuck in the hole, when he notices that Emma is sitting on the bench in the closet still dressed in her clothes from dinner.

“If I…if I,” she begins, picking imaginary lint off of her pants. “Will you sit with me as I take a test? I know I said I didn’t want to, but I think I have to. I can’t turn my mind off.”

He can’t either. He can’t turn his mind off, can’t get it to shut up as his head pounds and his heart thrums, but it’s probably nothing compared to how Emma is feeling.

“You don’t even have to ask, love. Why don’t you go ahead and change though, okay? It’ll make you feel better.”

She nods her head before getting up from the bench and stripping out of her clothes and pulling on the first soft thing that she finds. She’s pacing herself, going as slowly as she can, but he doesn’t say anything as he watches her and the way that she fidgets. Honestly, the only thing that’s keeping him from fidgeting is keeping his focus on her, on making sure that he’s strong for the next few minutes.

For every minute to always be sixty seconds, the time never changing, never altering, it seems like this is one of the longest sets of minutes in his life. There were the minutes of waiting to know if he was going to be accepted into university, as if he would ever be rejected for who his parents are. But he was still nervous, still anxious about getting in on his own merit. There were the minutes before the first time he slept with Emma, all of the heightened nerves and emotions and flat out anticipation making everything seem so much more heightened than it was. Then there was the entirety of their holiday when he was about to propose. For that entire dinner he was anxious, so anxious that he didn’t ask until they were on the beach when that was not what he wanted. Those minutes seemed to drag on and speed up all at once. But then again, there were also the minutes right before he got married and the minutes right before he became a father for the first time. Those two moments, well, they likely get equal billing to this, and watching Emma’s leg rapidly tap up and down while she watches the timer on her phone doesn’t help.

“You know,” he begins, strengthening his grip on Emma’s hand from where their fingers are interlocked, the pad of his thumb running over her knuckles and around her engagement ring and wedding band, “we’ll have been together for ten years in a little over three weeks.”

“I know,” she whispers so quietly that her voice barely reaches her ears. “I have a gift for you hidden somewhere I’m not divulging, and you’re taking me to Scotland for our anniversary weekend.”

“Aye, I know. We’re going to have a great time.” He squeezes her hand again before bringing it up so that he can brush his lips over her knuckles once, twice, three times more. “You infuriate me more than anyone else on this planet, but I also love you more than anyone else on this planet. Don’t tell Andy that because he gets his own little category.”

Emma chuckles as she leans her head onto his shoulder, hair sticking up and getting caught in his mouth while her tapping slows a bit. “I promise I won’t tell him.”

“Good. You’re my best friend, Nolan, and I – ”

“Woah, talk about a flashback. You’re calling me Nolan again.”

“If I keep calling you darling, you’re going to have to change your name according to our son.” He twists his head to kiss the side of her head, smelling her perfume and the faded smell of her shampoo from this morning. “You’re my best friend, and Emma, as much as I want that test to be positive, as much as I think it’s going to be after we’ve tried for so damn long, if it’s not, you will still be the person I love most and the person who I want to eat horrible food with at two in the morning while we watch television. Nothing is ever going to change that.”

“How are you so damn good with words?” she sighs, nuzzling into him further. “Like, you are stupid good with them, and it’s not fair because I still can only do that on occasion. I can’t think of a single thing to say to you that doesn’t sound dumb. I guess I love you.”

He chuckles into her hair before pulling back and leaning down to kiss her shoulder. “I love you, and I don’t need your flowery words. I never doubt your love for me, and when I have my emotional meltdowns, you always know what to say too. I think we can look at the test now.”

“Can you do it for me? I know that sounds pathetic – ”

“It doesn’t,” he says, rising from his spot on the edge of the bathtub and standing to grab the pregnancy test that’s on the counter without letting go off Emma’s hand. He closes his eyes for a brief moment, gathering the strength, before he’s picking it up and looking at a little screen that very clearly says the word pregnant. Emma’s pregnant. She’s pregnant. They’re having another baby, and he does not wish to control the way his lips are tugging up on the corners or the way his heart is beating a quicker pace in his chest.

It could beat out of his chest right now, and he wouldn’t care.

“Killian, what the fuck does it say?”

He turns back to look at Emma, releasing her hand so that he can cup her cheeks, holding her gaze to his and staring at the freckles that run across her nose the way that her eyes are shimmering with tears. “I can’t wait for this kid to grow up so I can tell them those were their mum’s words in the moments before she found out she was pregnant.”

“Really?” she chuckles, the water already falling to her cheeks. “I’m pregnant?”

“Really,” he smiles, contentment spreading across every inch of his, “you’re pregnant.”

-/-

-/-

“Are you nervous?” Killian asks her as they wait backstage and listen to some of the other speakers at the women’s conference they’re attending today. Or really, she’s attending and Killian’s secretly tagging along because he’s weird and wanted to watch her speak. He’s being supportive, and she appreciates it, but she’s freaking out a bit right now. Her speech is as personal as she was allowed to make it, which she kind of feels like defeats the purpose of the women’s empowerment that’s going on today, but she also knows that five years ago no one in this family would have been allowed to do this because it would be seen as too political.

It’s not. It’s…human. Speaking up for women is human, and so this is simply another patronage that she is lucky enough to support and to bring attention to and not some kind of political statement. If she wasn’t speaking, she’d likely be bouncing with excitement and anticipation over this.

“I’m terrified,” she whispers, adjusting herself in her chair and smoothing down her dress over her protruding stomach. She’s six months pregnant, but sometimes it’s still so weird to look down and for something to be there that’s not always there. But it’s not like she can forget. If her body didn’t scream with the changes every day, she’d be reminded by Andy every day when he says hi to his baby sister or Killian when he’s far too overprotective and worries about her if she eats too much ice cream. She thought he’d calm down this go round, especially since the actual pregnancy has been so much easier (the months leading up to it not so much), but it might be worse. It’s sweet, but she wants to be able to pick up her two-year-old without Killian freaking out.

“You’re going to be fantastic. I know.”

“You’re biased. You don’t think the speech is a little much? That it’s not too privileged?”

“I think that you are afforded different opportunities and advantages in life but that doesn’t mean your experiences aren’t important.”

“There you go with your wise words again. It’s amazing how you can also be so dumb.”

“I love you, my sweetheart of a wife.”

“I know, right? I’m pretty much the definition of kindness.”

“And humble.”

“Oh, definitely humble. That’s what I put on my business cards.”

“Emma,” Isabelle says, interrupting them and pulling her out of her distraction and back to the reason she’s here, “they’re ready for you.”

“Thank you, Isabelle,” she sighs, rising from her chair and straightening out her dress as much as she can. “Alright, babe, wish me luck that I remember how to speak.”

“If our kid can do it, I have faith that you can too.”

She rolls her eyes before squatting down and briefly kissing his cheek. Isabelle guides her to the side of the stage, and when she’s introduced, she walks out and stands at the podium, her heel turning a bit underneath her. She’ll never quite get used to doing things like this. Spending time with kids and sitting at stuffy dinners, sure. Giving speeches, well, that’s different. She’s kind of regretting being here right now. She feels ridiculous.

But no. She wanted to do this. She wants to do this. She wants to support everyone who she can. This is a good thing.

“I am a lot of things,” she begins, swallowing the lump in her throat that always comes whenever she speaks in public. “I am a wife, a mother, a daughter. I am a former bartender, a current Duchess, someone with dual citizenship, a patron of charities ranging from education to mental health to arts and athletics. I am also a television enthusiast, someone who loves to eat every dessert I can get my hands as well as someone who enjoys running until my legs feel like jelly. And then, you know, eating actual jams and jellies.”

She takes a moment as the crowd laughs to tuck her hair behind her ears and take another deep breath. Why are there so many people? No, she’s not going to freak out. She can do this. It’s fine. It’s just talking.

“You can label me with every word in your vocabulary. A lot of people have labeled me in words that I cannot repeat here because I like to play as a proper lady sometimes. But here’s the thing, on top of these labels, on top of the ones that I embrace and the ones that I hide behind, I’m Emma. I’m Emma, and I am my own human being, my own person with all of my own interests and wants. Being a wife and a mother are two of the most important things in my life, but I cannot be either of those things without loving myself and knowing who I am as a woman first.

I spent a long time hiding behind the shadows and allowing others to control my life with their narratives of who I am. I was a thief, a pushover, a commoner, an unfit bride, and a horrible mother who refused to follow tradition for not showing off my newborn child five hours after giving birth. I was untraditional, uncaring, crass, and I was someone who was labeled all of these things by people who have never met me. After this speech, I’m sure I’ll be labeled the same things by more people who have never met me, maybe even some who have. So here’s my point. For your entire life, people are going to try to tell you who you are. They just are. It’s going to happen no matter what you do. But here’s the thing, you have the ability and the power to push back, to fight back, and to say no, I’m not those things. And even better, you have the ability to show them exactly who you are.”

She hears the claps. She really does, but these lights are bright, and her daughter is doing some kind of Olympic level gymnastic routine in her stomach. That’s really all she can focus on as she regulates her breathing again and runs her hand over her stomach, resting it there while she looks back at her page, the words written in large, printed letters.  The kicks comfort her. They’re proof of the life she wanted for so long.

“We as women have the difficult challenge of being cornered into a box and not allowed out. If I cry over having to leave my baby at home, I am weak. If I get excited over being pregnant, people think that I don’t care about having a career. If I love my husband, I am not my own woman. If I spend time to do things for myself, I am neglecting everything else in my life.

You know what? That’s not true. I can love my child in the same way that you all can, and it makes me strong. And if you don’t want to have children, good for you. It’s your life, and you shouldn’t do something that’s not right for you. If I am excited over being pregnant like I am right now, I can still be excited over getting to stand here speaking to all of you as a part of my job no matter how nervous I am. Being a mother does not mean you have to give up your life. It’s a way of adding to it. I can love my husband with every fiber in my being, but that does not at all mean that I am not my own person. And I can spend time with my friends, spend time away from home, spend time doing things that make me happy without being told all about how I have a baby at home. Trust me, I know.

What I’m trying to say is to drop the labels and simply and unapologetically be you. There is no better thing that you can be, and I hope that everyone here can be of service to you and to all of the strong women in your lives. Thank you for having me here today.”

She nods, smiling out at the crowd before she’s walking away with her heart pounding in her chest while her face heats. She was terrified to give that speech, terrified of how it would sound using herself as an example when she lives a privileged life, but she had to listen to herself and allow herself to follow everything she just said. She had to do what felt right to her, and while she never imagined having such a platform to help others, she’s glad that she does.

She’s definitely going to avoid public speaking for a little while, though.

“You’re bloody amazing,” Killian sighs when she gets to him, his hands palming her cheeks before his lips are slanting over hers in a kiss that makes her head reel from the emotion behind it. “I’m so damn proud of you.”

“Thank you. I think I’m going to go vomit now.”

“Pregnancy or nerves?”

“Both.”

-/-

-/-

“Okay, buddy,” Killian sighs, holding onto Andy’s hand as they walk through the back hallways of the hospital, “we’re about to meet your little sister. She’s really rather small, and like you are with Indy, we have to be gentle, okay? With Mummy too. So no jumping on the bed.”

“Why?”

“We don’t want to hurt Sutton or Mummy.” They walk up to the door, Thomas greeting them when they get there, and he picks up his son before they push through the doors, David and Mary Margaret’s backs the first things they see when they enter.

“Mimi,” Andy shrieks, squirming in his arms until his can get a hug and a kiss from his grandmother and eventually his grandfather. “I’m a big brother.”

“You are indeed,” David tells him as Killian walks over to Emma and leans down to briefly brush his lips over hers while she holds Sutton. It’s been six hours, and he still absolutely cannot believe that he has a baby girl. She’s beautiful. So is his wife.

“Hi, love. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. This still sucks, and she’s not latching, which is freaking me out. I want - ” she sighs, leaning back in bed and closing her eyes, a piece of her hair falling in her face “ – I want to take a nap, but I want to see Andy, okay? She’s quiet now, so it’s probably a good time for you to have brought him since I’m sure he won’t want the screaming banshee that I can already tell you that she is.” Emma looks down at their daughter then, running a finger over her cheek. “I love you, baby, but you are a handful already.”

“We’ll get that all figured out in a minute, okay? It’ll be fine, love. You want me to get Andy from your dad?”

“Yeah.”

“Dave, can I have my kid?”

“You have to say please,” Andy huffs, sticking his chest up as David walks toward him. Killian’s just about to say it when Andy gasps, his hands going over his mouth while his eyes blow wide. “Is that my sister?”

“This is your sister,” Emma laughs, holding Sutton up the slightest bit while David gently puts him down on the bed. “Can you say hi, Andy?”

“Hi,” he whispers, waving to her as he slowly walks toward Sutton and Emma. “She’s small. Can she talk?”

“Not yet,” Emma says gently, puling Andy closer to her while he keeps watching Sutton. “When she gets bigger like you, she’ll learn how to talk.”

“Can I hold her?”

“You can help me hold here. Um, hold on,” she mutters, adjusting Sutton in her lap. “Babe, can you get a pillow for him?”

He nods his head and turns to grab her breastfeeding pillow, figuring it’s sturdy enough for this as he adjusts it around Andy while he settles down next to Emma. It’s a bit of a complicated maneuver to safely get Sutton situated on the pillow and in Andy’s small arms as he looks down at her with a soft, pensive smile on his face.

“How did she get out of Mummy’s tummy?”

Emma’s cheeks flush, his doing the same, and he hears David snicker behind him. “You know what, Andy, I’ll tell you about that later.”

Andy shrugs before looking at Sutton and then Emma’s stomach, his brows pushed together in thought. Yeah, they’re definitely going to have to figure that one out later before he comes up with one of his ridiculous theories.

-/-

-/-

“Don’t we have to turn around at some point?”

Killian hums next to her and tightens his arm around her shoulder, fingers taping against her sweater while she gets a sniff of the spice of his cologne. “Most likely. The end of our property is just up ahead, and as much as I love Ruby and Graham, I’m not sure how much I trust them with a newborn and the wild child that’s itching to go swimming even though it’s still chilly.”

“They’ll be fine, babe,” she sighs, tucking her hand into the back pocket of Killian’s jeans and playfully squeezing his ass as they walk. “They’ve watched them before, or at least Andy. And Sutton is two months old, so all they really have to do is not drop her. Besides, I’m really enjoying our full transformation into an elderly retired couple with our walk.”

“Weren’t you just the one who wanted to turn around?”

“I mean, yeah, but I just wanted to make sure we didn’t walk all the way back to London when we’ve finally left it.”

“Considering I’d have to carry you home on my back were that to happen, I, well, wouldn’t let it happen.”

“Hey,” she laughs, slapping his ass again, “what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t have a death wish, so I’m thinking it’s not what you’re leaning toward.”

“And what exactly do you think I’m leaning toward?” He stops walking even as she keeps going, so when he tugs her back, she nearly stumbles and falls into the lush grass, dew still coating the blades. Or maybe it’s residual rain. She’s not exactly sure, but it doesn’t matter as long as she doesn’t fall. “What was that for?”

She sees his brows raise, then settle back into their normal resting place all the while one corner of his mouth ticks. He’s obviously trying to school his features, to keep from saying whatever it is that’s on his mind…which makes her completely sure that whatever it is he wants to say is going to make her mad. He’s so predictable in that way. Or really, maybe being together for eleven years means that she knows him a little too well.

Plus, those baby blues tell all.

“Nothing, my love,” he promises, wrapping his other arm around her and pulling her into an embrace while he brushes his lips across his forehead. Yeah, he’s definitely holding his tongue and trying to distract her. “Let’s keep walking until we get to the swing.”

“You’re going to have to fulfill your worst nightmare and carry me there because I’m not moving until you tell me what you were going to say.”

“I was going to say I don’t want to carry you and, you know, some other stuff that I’m seriously not going to say out loud.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a weak, weak man who is incapable of carrying my wife unless I know that the faster I get her to the bedroom, the faster I’m going to have to have sex. So I could carry you go the swing now if certain promises are made.”

“I’m not having sex with you on the swing. Oh God,” she laughs, slapping his chest and leaning back so she can look in his eyes, the blue dimmed under the shade of his baseball cap. It’s a Yankees one, and she’s pretty sure that he stole it from her back when they were dating. “Is that why you had this swing built so far away from the house? Is it a sex swing?”

“Emma,” he bellows, leaning down and pressing his face into her shoulders while his entire body moves with laugher, the vibrations running through her from how close they are, “no, I did not build a bloody sex swing. I’m also not sure that you realize that that is something entirely different.”

“I know what a damn sex swing is, and you know that’s not what I meant.”

“Mhm, sure, love. Sure. If you want to hop on your old man’s back, I’ll carry you to our sex swing.”

“Nah,” she sighs, pulling back from him and reaching down for his hand so she can interlace their fingers and run her thumb over his knuckles, “I can walk. Take me to your sex swing.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

They walk a few more minutes until they come up on two large oak trees that twine together, obviously having grown here for much longer than any of the other trees and flowers they had planted when they were building the place. Her green thumb has gotten better since she planted the small garden outside of their apartment, but it’s definitely not enough to keep up with everything here. There’s so much beauty out here, much more than in the city, and even as her sneakers gets soaked in the damp grass, she’s so damn happy to be living here with her family.

The privacy is wonderful too. They can walk the grounds without worrying about anything. It’s like having freedom again.

She settles down onto the cushioned swing, not swaying until Killian settles down next to her, but then she pushes off the ground and starts moving them, causing the chains to gently hum and rustle with each movement. She’s going to have to bring Andy and Sutton out here one day. Andy will like the swing, even if it’s not like the one on his playground, and, well, maybe Sutton will like looking around at all of the leaves above them and the squirrels that are running around. She loves looking around, love focusing on her surroundings, and even though Emma sometimes thinks that her daughter is already attempting to be as different as possible from her brother with the fits and the crying, she does enjoy being swayed and getting to see everything around her.

There are so many similarities in her two children, so many that she already sees, but the moment Sutton was born without any hair but the tiniest of peach fuzz and the with features fairer than even Emma, she knew that this was not going to be another Killian. Sutton was going to look like her, even if her features are already changing, like a mix of the two of them but also her own person. Genetics are so strange, and even if she remembers studying them in school, she can’t quite explain her children. For all she knows, if they’re crazy and decide to have another one in a few years, that one could have hair as red as the flecks in Killian’s beard. That would really be something else.

“So I was thinking that we should go on a date sometime soon.”

“Yeah?” she asks, lifting her feet from the ground and curling them underneath her while she rests her head on Killian’s shoulder as he keeps them swaying.

“Most definitely, and as much as I love going on walks with you and hanging out on our sex swing, we should probably go somewhere without the kids being on the same property.” “Is this like when you made me leave Andy all night?”

“A little bit. But mostly I just want to take my wife on a date. We didn’t get to do that while I was courting you, so I feel like we still have so much to make up for.”

Sometimes he talks like he’s from a different century, and she’ll never be over how much she loves that.

“I don’t think we need to go on retroactive dates.”

“Well, that’s not really what I meant. I just meant that I like going out to dinner with you or sneaking into a movie or a play. Hell, we can go on a hike or to a football match. Just trying to keep the romance alive since my sex swing isn’t doing that.”

She chuckles to herself before twisting and propping herself up to glide her lips over his, almost instantly deepening it into a gentle push and pull. He tastes like his tea, but she doesn’t really notice that as she thinks about how much she loves him and how much he makes her laugh with his ridiculous jokes that literally no one else in the world would find funny. He pisses her off sometimes (a lot of the time), but then they have moments like this, the gentle quietness of nature surrounding them, and she wonders if all of the hell they went through to get here was actually quite so painful.

“Have I ever told you of the wonders that you are capable of with that mouth of yours, love?”

She laughs against his lips, their skin brushing together while Killian’s hand snakes up under her sweater and rests on the skin of her back, his skin warm compared to the early spring chill that’s still roaming around them. “You have, but it’s usually not quite in this context.”

“So dirty.”

“Hm, you usually say that too. I love you, you weirdo, and I definitely think that we should go on a date.”

“See, I always knew you’d come around to my plans. I’m very convincing.”

“Well, it sure as hell isn’t because of the wonders you can do with your mouth.”

He pinches the skin of her back before kissing her nose, the gentlest of touches that has her fluttering her eyes closed and trying to memorize this moment as one of the good ones. “You say that now, but wait until we go to dinner, and I drop the lettuce of my salad down my shirt.”

“You are a messy eater. That’s where Andy gets it from.”

“Eh, possibly.”

“No, definitely.”

“Whatever you say, darling. Just wait until Sutton stuffs a fistful of popcorn in her mouth instead of one or two pieces at a time. That’s what you do.”

“I do not.”

“You most definitely do.”

“Whatever.”

“Hey, Emma?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too, you popcorn eating weirdo.”

-/-

-/-

She falls.

And then gets up.

And then falls again.

It’s this continuous cycle, but every time he gets up to try to help Sutton walk, she refuses his help. It absolutely cracks him up how independent she is, that sometimes she won’t even let him hold her hands for her to take a few steps around the room when she’s trying so hard to move. She’ll let Emma, the Mummy’s girl that she is, and on occasion, she lets him when she’s feeling particularly affectionate. It’s the funniest thing to him. Andy was the sweetest, calmest baby, and Sutton, well, she’s an absolute spitfire who is definitely some kind of karmic payback.

He’s not even sure if he believes in karma, but Sutton kind of makes him. He knew the first kid wasn’t difficult enough…and the first kid was damn difficult.

And while Andy favored Emma for a long time, mostly in his early days, he did come around to Killian eventually. Maybe he’s simply seeing it differently. Or maybe Sutton has much more obvious favoritism. Hell, Emma probably thinks that both of their kids favor him, even if only Andy looks like him. Sutton is all Emma.

Looks and personalities, though…two totally different things.

“Sutton, sweetheart,” he coos, adjusting himself on the ground and clapping his hands together. “Do you want to walk to come see Daddy? I think that sounds like a great idea, but you usually think otherwise.”

“So condescending there, Daddy.”

He twists his head to Emma standing in the doorway, her hair messily piled on top of her head and her t-shirt falling off her shoulder like it nearly always is. She must have finally woken up from her nap, and she obviously had a good one if the pillow creases on her face are any indication.

“I’m just speaking the truth. You try coming to get her to walk.”

Emma rolls her eyes before stepping into the room and over him so that she can take Sutton’s hands in hers as Sutton stands from the ground. “Alright there, baby girl, Momma needs you to walk with me, okay?”

Sutton’s face turns red for the briefest of moments, the tears and protests on the verge of coming to fruition, but then the red fades and she’s left with Emma’s creamy skin as her lips press into a straight line and she focuses on walking with Emma. It’s like watching magic happen, really. He’s got these two bloody incredible girls in his life, and they’ve got this bond that blows his mind. He definitely is jealous of it sometimes, jealous of the way Sutton doesn’t want him, but he likes that his loves have this bond.

He doesn’t understand how in the world he could have them, how he could have made one of them. It’s…sometimes he doesn’t deserve them, but man is he glad for them.

“Yay, Sutton,” Emma cheers when they take a few steps before Sutton insists that she sit down, crying out “Momma” until Emma releases her hands. “You did so good, Sutton, but you’ve really got to walk with Daddy sometimes, yeah? He gets a little jealous.”

“I can hear you.”

“I know. Don’t we have another one of these?”

“He’s in the playroom watching a movie, and I’ve got the camera on my phone. He hasn’t moved from the couch.”

“Good,” she sighs, reaching her hands down for him. “Why don’t we go in there and join him?”

He nods his head as he takes her hand, pushing up on his legs and ignoring the slight ache in his knees from standing from such a low position. “I think that sounds like a plan.”

Emma scoops up Sutton, and they walk out of the nursery and down to the end of the hall to the kids’ playroom. This room is nearly always such a mess, toys and clothes and pillows scattering across the floor and the tables despite the closet of bins that he swears he cleans up every single day. But it’s better that things are mostly contained in here, even though he stepped on a Lego in the living room downstairs yesterday, and he nearly screamed “fuck” so loudly that the kids could have heard him and woken from their naps. That would have been something else.

He does love this room, though. They have this set of windows at the end of it that stretch from floor to ceiling, and it looks out into the yard and to this oak tree that he thinks he might build a tree house in one day. He knows that they don’t age well most of the time, that children grow out of using them, but they’ll enjoy it for a little while. Besides, he and Emma get the cushioned swing out near the end of the property and the view of the pool from their bedroom. The kids can get this.

Some day.

“What are you watching, bud?”

“Chicken Little. The sky is falling from the sky, Mummy.”

“Oh no,” Emma gasps, settling down next to Andy on the couch and settling Sutton in her lap while Killian grabs some blankets out of the basket and dims the lights a little bit.

“Don’t worry, Mummy. I checked our sky. It’s still there.”

“Oh, okay. Well, that’s good.”

He snickers under his breath and then sits down in a recliner, propping the legs up only for Andy to scramble over to him and sit on his lap, his bony limbs poking Killian over and over again until he finally plops down in the small open space left in the chair and tugs the blanket up over his legs too, looking up at Killian and flashing him the widest grin. Andy looks so proud of himself, and Killian has no idea why. He’s probably hidden Killian’s wallet or something.

The movie continues to play, everyone settling into it, and then out of nowhere, Andy speaks. “If my name is Andy and Indy’s name is Indy, does that mean Indy is my sister and Sutton isn’t?”

“I’m sorry…what?”

“Is Indy my sister?”

His eyes glance over to Emma’s, and she simply smiles and shrugs, giving him absolutely no help for how to answer this. His son’s name is eerily similar to their dog’s, and sometimes he wonders how they didn’t plan that better. He didn’t ever really think that would be a problem though.

“Well, Indy is part of our family like me, Mummy, and Sutton.”

“And me.”

“Yeah,” he chuckles, tugging up on the blanket again, “and you. And we all love Indy, but she’s a dog, remember? She has all of that fur and we pet her and she barks.”

“And eats gross food.”

“That too. So her name sounds like yours, but Sutton is your sister and we love her too, right?”

“Yeah, but she cries.”

“She’s not crying right now.”

Andy tilts his head to the side, his gaze falling away from the television and toward his sister who’s intently watching the movie while Emma’s fingers play with her small wisps of hair. Without any kind of warning, Andy scrambles up from his spot, kicking Killian multiple times before he’s off of the chair and moving to sit on the couch while he stares at Sutton with rapt fascination like she hasn’t been alive and living with them for a year.

Finally he nods and reaches over to kiss Sutton’s cheek in a move so gentle that Killian feels his heart swell for a moment before going back to a normal, functioning size.

“I love you, Sutton,” Andy whispers while Sutton tries to decide if she likes her brother or not, her eyes slanted as she studies him. She’s always kind of wary of him at first, but then again, she’s wary of anyone who’s not Emma. “You’re not a dog, but that’s okay.”

They spend the rest of the day in the playroom, watching movies and letting the kids run their toys over the two of them before they feed them dinner and get washed up for bed. It takes far too long every night, but it’s not like they can simply not feed or bathe their children. That would be inhumane and bad parenting among so many other things. But it gets done, and the moment he closes Sutton’s door, the wood clicking into place, Emma takes his hands and intertwines their fingers while the corners of her lips turn up into a smile.

Beautiful.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Oh, Killian,” she mutters, walking backward down the hall and tugging him with her, “I know that you’ve gone all soft on me, but I still like to think that you know when I’m trying to seduce you.”

“Is that what this is? Because I don’t know if you’ve looked at yourself today but – ”

“Jackass.”

He tugs her closer even if she resists a little bit until their chests are pressed together and he dips his head to softly glide his lips over hers, staying still for a moment until she begins to move against him, her hands letting his go so they can wrap around his neck, fingers teasing his hair, and his hands find her hips and the skin that rests under her shirt, warmth in every inch of it that buzzes across his own skin.

She’s soft, always so soft even when she’s firm.

“Am I still a jackass?” he whispers when his nose is still heavily pressed into her cheek.

“Absolutely, but I’ll allow it.”

“Oh thank goodness.”

She chuckles against his lips, the vibrations traveling across his skin too, before she’s unwrapping herself from him and walking down the hallway and disappearing behind their bedroom door. By the time he joins her she’s setting up the baby monitor on the bedside table and stripping out of her clothes, tossing them on the glider.

“Someone is eager.”

“Someone is efficient,” she shrugs, reaching back and unclasping her bra until her breasts are exposed to his gaze, a shiver running down his spine that has nothing to do with the high speed at which the ceiling fan in this room is running. “And cold. I’m cold,” she laughs, quickly hoping into bed and pulling the comforter over herself while he laughs and strips out of his clothes as well. The fan has to do with Emma’s shivers, apparently.

“I love you,” he sighs as he lifts the comforter and settles down on top of her, feeling both the warmth and chill of her skin as their lips come together again.

“I love you, even though you’re not a dog.”

“Oh my God,” he laughs, trailing away from her mouth and moving down her neck, working all of the places he knows Emma loves while his hands move across her body, exploring and teasing and making her gasp from his touch, especially when he begins stroking her, wetness gathering at his fingers as Emma’s hips buck up into his in a motion that’s delightful and enticing while his lips move over her breasts.

Glorious, glorious breasts.

“K-Killian,” she stutters when he slowly starts pumping his fingers inside of her while his thumb rubs her bundle of nerves in slow, practiced circles.

“Like that?”

“Like that.”

It doesn’t take much longer as he teases her, and he didn’t realize how keyed up she was before they started as her hips buck at a more furious pace and she falls apart beneath him, alternating between whispering quiet words and muffling her loud curses against his shoulder.

“I’m still cold,” she sighs, and he grunts in response before covering her entire body with his, hoping that his warmth and the blankets that surround them will help as he guides himself inside of her, her warmth enveloping him and making his eyes roll back at the pleasure of being inside of her while he moves her left leg to rest over his hip, opening her up to him.

“Still cold?”

“I think that can be fixed if you start moving.” She smiles up at him with the most innocent of smiles, something he would see when they’re out working together, but then she thrusts her hips up, causing him to nearly lose his balance, and pulls his lips down to hers so that they can slide together in a rhythm that matches the thrusts he’s slowly moving into.

He takes his time, experimenting with thrusts and angles and depths, and as the minutes move on, the unsteady beat of his heart not at all matching up with the hum of the fan or the chirps of the insects outside, he finds himself in a position that’s good for the both of them. Emma’s breath is unsteady as well, her heartbeat likely beating a similar rhythm, and as her skin heats, sweat beading at her forehead and dripping down her skin, she mumbles for him to move onto back until he’s pulling out of her and rolling over onto his back only for Emma to settle her knees on either side of his thighs and slowly guide him back into her warmth as she moves above him.

He’s been with her for over a decade, since she was a little under twenty-one and him twenty-three, and over the years he’s seen her change, her personality and convictions and her body. She’s so much stronger now, so damn confident in herself that when he looks at her, he’s still amazed that she’s chosen to love him and to be with him. He knows how much shit she’s put up with over the years, a lot of it before him, some of it because of him, and likely even more of it that has nothing at all to do with him, and he’s watched her handle it with grace and with bravery and something undeniably Emma.

Softness and strength all at once.

Emma.

As she moves above him, her hips swiveling and driving him into madness while his hands explore her skin, kneading her ass and her breasts in the ways that she likes, he watches her with as much focus as his muddled mind allows him to. Her breasts are heavier than when they first met, two children likely causing that, and while Emma sometimes complains about not being able to get away with going braless anymore, he selfishly is not going to complain about that. Nor will he complain about the curve of her hips, the firmness of her ass, or the faded tiger stripes on her stomach from carrying their children and from simply living life.

Really, he’d be a fool to complain about anything. He’d also be a bit of an ass.

So he doesn’t. He won’t. His body has changed too, his life as well, and he’s simply glad that they’ve changed together instead of growing apart.

“Fuck,” he stutters when Emma leans forward and wraps her arms under his shoulders while her lips trail down his neck, the pleasure in his spine becoming concentrated at the base while his hips start doing the work, snapping up into her while she nibbles on his ear, her breath hot and lips soft. “Fuck, Emma. That’s incredible. You’re incredible.”

She gasps when his hands grab onto the globes of her ass, guiding her as she whispers dirty words into his ear that have him closing his eyes as his pleasure reaches him, the thrusts becoming erratic and his mind blurring for the shortest of moments even though he tries to keep the presence of mind to rub his fingers over where they’re joined to let Emma fall apart as well.

“I love you,” she sighs as she rests on top of his chest, not bothering to move even as he slips out of her and the need to cleaned up calls to them. Her lips trail across his chest and up his neck until they’re slanting over his lips, the salt of sweat prominent on them. “And I’m still cold.”

“I love you, darling, but I cannot possibly understand how you’re still cold. You’re literally sweating.”

“It’s making me cold.”

He snickers against her lips and nuzzles his nose into her neck, nipping at the skin for a brief moment before rolling them over and covering Emma’s body with his. “I’m going to go get you a washcloth and some flannel pajamas, okay?”

“My hero.”

He rolls his eyes before getting up and making his way to the bathroom to get the washcloth and some clothes.

“Hey Killian?” Emma calls, and he turns around to see her bundled up under the white of the comforter with only her head showing, her hair matted and tangled from the day and their activities. The sexiest women he knows is also the most adorable, and the affection he feels for her continues to grow.

“Yeah, love?”

“That’s a nice ass you’ve got there, so if you want to, you know, not get dressed, that’d be fine with me.”

He winks. “As you wish.”

[shippingtheswann]

MODEL BEHAVIOR A Captain Swan modern AU  by @shippingtheswann​ for the @captainswanbigbang​ 2017 year!

SUMMARY: Emma is an up and coming model living in LA with her best friend Ruby. Killian is a star baseball player for the LA Dodgers. Their families are close - and they grew up together. However, what happens after not seeing each other for 6 years - when they are forced back into a situation that requires them to reconnect and explore what was once there.

RATING: Explicit

WARNING: There will be smut later in the story, some mention of violence, hard language, mention of pregnancy loss

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

Special shout out to Monica @acaptainswaneternity​ - the artist with this story. I have loved everything she has done for me - so make sure to check her out! She made an amazing cover and the best image sets for each chapter.

Another huge shout out to Nicola @alocin209​ who beta read everything and tried to keep me on target!

Can also be found on FF - Chapter One; Chapter Two; Chapter Three; Chapter Four; Chapter Five; Chapter Six

A/N: Welcome back everyone! I hope you enjoy this chapter! I know it is the highlight of my week that I am finally able to post this. Postpartum Depression isn't fun and neither is the anxiety, so being able to actually do something I enjoy is so great! Thanks again to my amazing artist Monica and my brilliant beta reader Nicola. I couldn't have done this without them!

He knew when he arrived home that his father would be waiting to tear into him. It was the only thing he had truly been dreading since the whole ordeal happened. His damn father was never going to let him hear the end of it, would never let him live it down. His father had been riding him non-stop since he was a boy; he would say Killian had too much talent to waste and that if he only worked just a bit harder, he would achieve his dreams. It didn't matter that his teams had won multiple high school, college and actual world series championships, Killian was still not good enough for his father.

Thankfully, his mother didn't allow his father to tear into him too much. They watched Emma interact with her family before they went inside. He felt a twinge of jealously at the reunion. Her parents, no matter how much her mother acted as if she didn't care, really did love their daughter. Deep down, he knew the Nolan's understood Emma's needs and wants. She had two parents who were always loving and caring. Sure, her mother had a weird way of showing it, but at least her mother wouldn't dig into her the way his father was going to do to him.

Liam and his family were waiting outside to greet him, where he was met with hugs and lots of questions from his nephews and nieces. He hadn't been around much for them, but he tried to be a good uncle and send them large gifts on their birthdays and Christmas to make up for his absence. Thankfully, the kids were still young enough that they didn't mind. It still hurt him though, as he hugged the smallest Jones child, that he had missed so much of their lives, had been absent from them and for something he wasn't even sure he loved anymore. Wasn't family supposed to be the most important thing? Wasn't his career supposed to take a backseat to his family? He kept those thoughts to himself though, knowing if he said something it would be more ammunition for his father.

Once inside, Killian was finally confronted with his father's presence. Brennan Jones was a beast of a man. He stood a bit taller than Emma's father and was more built. His hair was shaggy and his eyes a darker blue than Killian's. Thankfully, at least in his mind, Killian took after his mother and not his father, in both looks and temperament. Well, most of the time. Liam looked more like their father. Killian braced himself for the onslaught of anger that he could feel radiating off his father. They were all situated in the family room, the kids already giving their attention to the games they brought rather than the adults.

But nothing came. His father looked at him, for a good ten minutes, with silence just passing between all in the room. It was a cold silence, one that would send a normal person's senses awry. A chill crept up his back as the moments ticked by, waiting for the bellow to spill from his father's throat. His father's stare never faltered though. He stared daggers into his son and Killian knew exactly what his father was thinking. Look at my disappointing son, he can never do anything right. He let some woman come between him and greatness. He was meant for better and he knows it. He could do so much better, if he just stopped thinking about everything else and just focused on the game. His swings are becoming too slow and his pick up isn't where it used to be. He isn't worried about what this means though. Killian had a full conversation with his father in his mind, as they just stared at each other with distaste.

Brennan was definitely not happy about having to see his son but that didn't bother Killian at all; the feeling was definitely mutual. If his father had only supported him in a different way, maybe things would have never gotten this far. Maybe if his father had just told Killian months ago that he understood his grief and anger, Killian would have never thrown that swing at Gold. No one really understood exactly what was happening between Killian, Milah and Gold - except for his father. Liam didn't even know the full story, so Killian had been hoping that his father would at least give him some good fatherly advice. He should have known that would never happen. If he had, he might not have been so disappointed when he was let down by his father, again.

After what seemed like an eternity, Brennan stormed out of the room, refusing to even acknowledge Killian's homecoming. Killian's shoulders fell, and he was actually disappointed that his father didn't tear him a new one. He had never seen his father act this way, had never seen him shy away from an opportunity to tell Killian just how much of a fuck up he was.

"Hey, don't worry darling, he'll come around. He just wants what's best for you," his mother said, trying to help the situation. She rested her hand on her son's shoulder, trying to soothe him after the tense stare off.

"No ma, he wants what is best for his image," Killian whispered his reply. It had been the same thing he kept telling his mother every time something like this happened.

"Well, I for one am glad that you are home little brother. You haven't seen Charlie since he was born and you have only just met Emily. Come on, spend some time with your nieces and nephews before dad decides he wants to yell or gets too pissed to care," Liam offered. Killian decided to let the little brother comment slide, just thankful at the moment that Liam had Killian's back.

"Oh Killian, before you run off, we need to talk about the next few weeks," his mother said, motioning for everyone to sit down at the table.

Amelia, Liam's wife, took a seat next to her husband, lacing their hands together above the table. Killian felt a pang of jealously run through him again. He never used to be this jealous of others. Sure, he wanted what Liam had. When he was with Milah they used to talk about starting a family once Killian made the majors and spending time with Liam's brood whenever they could. Amy was one of the only people in the family Milah could stand. He now realized it was because Amy wasn't the type to inject herself into a conversation or fight, only ever speaking if she needed to calm Liam down or something needed to be said. He admired her in a way. Milah was the opposite, always putting herself into the middle of any drama that came her way. Half the time, Milah took Brennan's side when he found himself arguing with his father.

Now, seeing Liam and Amy in a new light, he longed to have someone that just understood him and exactly what he needed in any given moment. He wished he had someone who supported him through everything and always had his back. He wanted someone loving and caring, like Amy, who went out of her way to help others around her.

"Alright so Killian, as you know, Liam is here. We didn't expect him to come down with the family for the length of your stay, but we are so happy they are here. I am so happy the whole family is back together again," his mother said, with tears in her eyes. She was always emotional, and it touched Killian just how much she missed him.

It was true though, no one thought Liam was going to come down with his whole family. This was all so very last minute, especially since Killian didn't know he would be coming home till that morning.

"Aye, how did that play out by the way? I didn't even know I would be coming home," he questioned his thoughts.

"Well, your mother called us when the incident happened," Amy whispered, trying to not really acknowledge the matter that brought Killian home, " and Liam thought that the league would suspend you. He had a feeling that you would come home. So, he took his vacation days and we drove down the next day. We decided that even if you weren't suspended, even if you didn't come home, at least the kids could visit with their grandparents and maybe them being here would calm your father down a bit. He does seem to cool off when they are around."

His sister-in-law was right about that. His father rarely yelled in front of the grandkids. Killian could remember about a year back when he didn't hit a single ball during a game, his father was surprisingly calm about the whole situation. He later found out that Liam and Brennan watched the game together and Charlie was there.

"I wanted to be here for you if you did come home," Liam added.

"Thanks brother," Killian said, sporting a slight smile that he had lost since seeing his father.

"So, like I was saying, Liam and the kids are here for your entire stay, but that means we are a bit short on rooms," his mother began, and the lightbulb in Killian's mind went off, finally understanding what she was trying to hint at. They had given his room to Liam and Amy. Liam's old room went to Charles and his younger brother, while his two nieces would be sleeping in the guest room. This meant that Killian was going to be forced to either sleep on the couch, on the air mattress, or get a hotel.

"It's fine ma, I can drive up to the Inn and get a room, it's no problem," Killian said quickly, not wanting to miss the chance to get away from his father. Well actually, his family too. While they loved him, he had gotten used to being alone. He enjoyed the moments of solitude it provided to him. He had originally bought his house to fill with a family, but in these past few months, the house allowed him a space to heal privately. Sure, the rooms still held some hopes and dreams of his, like ones that were supposed to be nurseries and playrooms, but he knew that maybe one day, with some other family, the rooms would be used.

"Actually Killian, you can't," his mother said before Killian had a chance to whip out his phone and make a reservation.

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"Well, I spoke with your manager, and according to him, you have to be with us. It's part of his deal. He wants someone to make sure you are doing what you need to, that you are taking care of yourself," she explained, reaching across to take his hand.

He wasn't sure if he was going to call Graham and yell at him or thank him. While he didn't need someone to make sure he was following directions, he knew Graham wasn't coming at it from that angle. He just wanted to make sure Killian was focusing on not just his baseball career, but his attitude as well. While Killian enjoyed space, he knew deep down that if he had to deal with his father on a more personal level, being alone wouldn't help his attitude.

"So what do you recommend? I don't really think I should have to sleep on the couch or on the floor of the office," Killian countered.

"Well thankfully, I was talking with Mary Margaret this morning when Mr. Humbert called. I was explaining to him the situation, when Mary offered to let you have the guest room in their home. Emma is going to be back in her old room and they aren't having any guests stay with them for Henry's graduation, so I thought it would be perfect!" his mother said, sounding very excited.

Killian on the other hand, wasn't. Well, maybe he was, since it would mean seeing more of Emma, but it would also mean seeing more of Emma. He wasn't one hundred percent sure he would be able to contain himself around her. He was already thinking too much of what they could do together and what they could be. How was he supposed to work through all of his feelings towards seeing her again, if he was sleeping a mere 200 feet from her. Being across the yard, in a different home, would allow him to really decide what he was feeling, to determine if they had more than just a sexual attraction. He was also pretty sure she wouldn't be too happy about the sleeping arrangements either.

"Ma, I really don't…" he began, before he was cut off by his father, who happened to reappear.

"You will do this Killian. I don't care what you want, you will do this. You will stay at the Nolan's and you will attend every single practice your coach and manager want you to. You will train every day, running and working out, making sure you don't let YOUR fuck up destroy everything we've worked so hard for," his father bellowed, making heads whip around.

He knew better than to fight with his dad, knew better than to bring more attention to the situation. So he took the hit. He would stay at the Nolan's and do everything his father said. Who knows, maybe the three weeks would fly by and before he knew it, he would be back in LA, far from the grip of his father. So Killian just nodded, acknowledging what his father said, hoping the man would return to where he was hiding out.

"Perfect! We'll take your things over when we go to dinner. Liam, why don't you get the kids cleaned up, Killian you can freshen up in the master and we'll head over in about an hour!" his mother's excitement uncontainable.

Killian's excitement was nowhere to be found.

He knew it was only a matter of time until his father let into him. He was just hoping it wouldn't have been during the dinner. He didn't want to deal with that in front of the Nolan's. He had always respected David and Mary Margaret and it felt like he was disappointing them, as well as his family, over something he knew was stupid and regretted.

He was already pissed at how Mary Margaret was talking to Emma. He could see it in her eyes just how upset she was getting. No one else seemed to notice her discomfort at the discussion of her love life. He wasn't too comfortable with it either. They hadn't really shared what had happened with each other back in LA; he had suspected something had happened with someone, but he never really thought it would be a boyfriend. It was kind of hard to swallow, Emma having a serious boyfriend. Another round of jealously washed over him and he was getting a bit annoyed.

All too soon the conversation moved to him and he knew he was in for it. He answered David quite diplomatically if you asked him. He knew why the league did what they did. He understood. He really did want to get back to enjoying the game, something that he used to feel. He really was going to try and look at this with a positive light, but once his father opened his mouth, Killian knew that it would be almost impossible. To his father, this wasn't something that could help his son in the long run, it was something embarrassing and stupid.

Killian decided not to respond to anything his father said. He sat there and he took it, as he knew if he argued or talked back to his father, Brennan would continue to berate him in front of people he cared about. He was pissed his father didn't understand what had happened. He was pissed his father let his dirty laundry air in front of Emma. His father just had to bring up Milah, just had to say that this was all her fault. So now, Killian was sure Emma would think he was caught up in some raunchy lifestyle. His father had just ruined any chance he had with Emma, he just knew it.

He had quickly retreated into the guest room. He had forgotten it shared a bathroom with Emma's and it was the only thing that picked up his spirits. Maybe, just maybe, if she didn't think he was such a horrible person because of what his father said, and had probably continued to say after he left, they could utilize those shared doors. However, his spirits soon dropped again when he realized it was just never going to happen.

Thankfully, he had stopped at David's bar before walking up to the room and the bottle of rum that he held in his hand was his favorite. He took a few swigs as his mind raced to all the bad things that had happened in just the past few months. He spent some time thinking about Milah, and by the time she left his mind, half of his bottle was empty.

As he took another swig from his tumbler that he had filled with ice, he thought he heard a knock from the bathroom door. The light was on now, but he didn't think anything of it. He was content to just sit in the darkness of the guest room, wallowing in his own self pity. He would wake up in the morning and do what he came here to do. He took another swig, moving himself to sit on the edge of the bed.

He was surprised when the handle on the door turned and Emma walked into his room. He was ashamed that she would see him like this, drunk and broken. He had actually shed a few tears as well, thinking about what could have been with and without Milah, if only he had changed one thing all those years ago.

However, as his eyes met hers, he was surprised that he didn't see disgust there. Instead, he was met with understanding and compassion. She didn't seem to care about what his father had said or what he had done in the past. She walked slowly over to him, taking the glass from his hand. She placed it on the night stand next to his bed, then moved the bottle to the dresser near the door.

She came to sit down next to him, their shoulders touching. She was intoxicating; her hair smelled even more delectable than earlier. She was warm too, probably from the setting sun that had shone in the backyard earlier. He had spent the first part of dinner stealing glances towards the blonde. He tried to play it off by joking with Liam and Evie, but he couldn't help but look at her every few seconds. The large smile on her face and the way her eyes sparkled in the candlelight sent him into a trance. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to just kiss her senseless again. He wanted to feel her skin beneath his, to feel what her breasts would feel like in the palm of his hand. He wanted to hear her moans as he sucked her neck and felt her squirm to get closer to him. He wanted to bring every fantasy he once had of her to life.

"What's going on Killian?" she asked, spurring him from his thoughts.

"I'm fine love, everything is fine," he replied, trying to not let on how upset he had just been.

"Killian, talk to me. We used to talk about so many things. Remember? We used to stay up late at night, well late for me, and just talk about nothing and everything. You were always there for me, and now I want to be there for you," she said, reaching across his body to take his entwined hands in hers.

"Aye, I remember," he said in a whisper.

"It was one of the things I really lo… liked about you. You always listened, no matter what I was talking about. I just want to help. Something has happened to you that has changed that part of you. When you didn't show up to graduation, it shattered me, but there was always something in the back of my mind that told me you wouldn't have done it, not unless you had to. What happened to you that made you this different person? What happened to the Killian I used to know?" she pleaded, with sadness to her voice.

He looked up again, meeting her eyes. There were tears in the gorgeous green orbs, and all over again, his heart was breaking because of what he did to her. Everything that had happened in the past few years all came back to one person, and maybe now was the time Killian could finally tell Emma what really happened. He could really apologize to her for the past. Maybe it was the only way they could look forward.

"Are you sure you want to hear it love?" he asked, opting to give her one final pass.

"Yes, please. I just want to help, and I can't do that unless I know what has happened," she said, squeezing his hands.

Milah had dropped the bomb on him. She was pregnant. About a two and a half months along. It must have happened the last time the two were together, which didn't surprise him considering how drunk he was that night. She had disappeared because she wasn't sure what she was going to do with it. He was glad he took her away from the Nolan's as it wasn't the place he wanted to be discovered having this conversation. He was furious she hadn't told him sooner. This was his child, just as much as it was hers. He deserved to have a say in the matter. Of course, he would support whatever decision she made, but he deserved to have his voice heard.

He had dreamt of a family, one day in the far future with someone else, but he wouldn't take that out on his child. And besides, he had once loved Milah. Maybe this was just a sign that he hadn't worked hard enough at their relationship. Maybe it was a sign that what he was doing with Emma was wrong and that he needed to fix things with Milah.

He was shocked, that much was true. But he was also happy and that surprised him. He didn't think that he would be happy having a child with Milah. Hell, just having a child at all, but he found himself smiling each time he looked at her.

They spent the rest of the day talking. Killian apologized for his behavior and explained to Milah just what he had been feeling in the past few months. He was more honest with her than he had ever been. If he was going to try and fix things with her, he was going to lay it all on the table, so they could start from a place of honesty and trust. She told him about her feelings as well, how she knew he had been acting strange. She apologized for not believing in him and for looking through his computer. Turns out, she wasn't the only one who had neglected their relationship.

Milah explained that she had another doctor's appointment in Vegas the following week and Killian promised her he would be there. The following day, they traveled back home together, hand in hand, with a new found hope for their relationship and child. Killian swore he was going to be a better father than his own was, and that he would support and love Milah to the best of his ability. He was going to be a changed man and prove to her his commitment and devotion.

Things did change, but not for the better. At her next appointment, Milah and Killian were given bad news. Milah had miscarried. The doctor explained there was nothing either one of them did or could have done to stop it from happening. He said that Milah's family history did contribute a bit, but it would be possible for them to try again soon and that as long as Milah kept eating right and took things easy, another pregnancy could be in their near future.

As the doctor left the room, Killian held Milah in his arms and sobbed with her. They were shattered by the news, but something stirred inside of him. The horrible news awoke something in him. Yes, he had said he would change and he had said he would do what was best for him and Milah, but he hadn't proved it to himself. In that moment, he decided that Milah was who he wanted to share his life and a family with.

The few weeks following were difficult for the both of them, but they found themselves revitalized in their relationship. Things were getting better daily. Each day, Killian found a new reason to love and support Milah. He went above and beyond to lavish her and show her just how much she meant to him. He received an email from Emma on the night of her graduation, and he didn't respond back, but he kept the message and all the past ones from her. He knew it was the last piece of the puzzle. If he kept it, if he allowed the communication channels to stay open, one day he may do something he regretted. So, he deleted the message and all of the old ones and closed down that email account. He told Milah about it later that night. She cried and thanked him for finally and fully committing to their relationship.

Thankfully, right after Milah's miscarriage, Killian found out he was actually transferred from the Triple A league in DC to one out west, allowing him to keep the distance between the couple and Emma. Milah was happy about that as well. She loved the west coast and Killian could tell she was happier there.

Three years passed as Killian worked his way up through the minors. Milah was ever supportive by his side, cheering him on at every game. She helped him during the off seasons, helping him stretch and run his sprints. Not only had he changed his status in their relationship, it seemed Milah had as well. They spent many nights together, wrapped up in each other. After everything had happened, they decided they would wait to start a family, wanting to make sure the timing was right and they were both in a place of happiness in their relationship. So even though they were waiting to start that family, it didn't mean they couldn't practice until then.

On the night before the majors draft three years after everything had happened, Killian proposed to Milah. It didn't matter that his future in baseball hung in the hands of others and it didn't matter that his father wouldn't stop the pressure. It didn't matter that everything was so uncertain. All that mattered was Milah and their life together. He was ready to start trying for a family. She was over the moon and accepted immediately.

The next day, Killian was signed to the Dodgers. He was present at the draft, Milah unable to come due to a work commitment. She was a communications director for one of the triple A teams, so they had to cover their own press that night. He was sad she wouldn't be there, but knew her job was important to her and gave her a way of expressing who she was. He was so proud of her and with his new job, she would be able to get a job within the organization. Besides, they promised to celebrate when he returned home the next day.

He decided that he was going to surprise Milah. Normally, there was a big party for all those who were signed and drafted. Milah told him to stay and network, get to know people, but all he wanted to do was go home to her arms. So, he booked the last flight out and made it back to her in record time. It had only been 4 hours since he was signed, and he was still high on excitement when he pulled into their house. He would hate to leave this place but he had another surprise for Milah, other than his early return. He had bought a house in LA near the park for them to start their family in. His contract was substantial and he could afford the 2 million dollar home easily now. Smee, his manager he hired a year before, helped him do everything. He was going to make all of Milah's dreams come true.

Killian was so wrapped up in his excitement that he didn't notice all the signs that were right in front of him as he climbed the steps to their bedroom. If he had been paying attention, he would have seen the drinks sitting out on the living room table; two tumblers filled with vodka. He would have seen a man's coat hanging from the chair that sat in the hallway, along with a duffel bag. He would have heard the music coming from their bedroom. However, he didn't notice any of that, his mind solely focused on finding his fiancé.

It was only after he entered the room that he saw what the signs were pointing to. Milah was in bed, riding another man. Her head was thrown back in passion, a moan escaping her lips. The man beneath her was someone Killian knew and hated even before this moment. Robert Gold was holding Milah's hips, begging her to ride him harder. The man was on a rival team and Killian had played him a few times. The man wasn't that good of a player, and he was a bit older than the rest of them. He was known for his tricks during games and many people didn't trust him on or off the field.

Neither one of them noticed Killian's arrival into the bedroom. He was unable to move, horrified and frozen by the scene that played out before him. He watched as his future wife climaxed at the will of another man and it made him so sick he almost threw up. As he watched her come down from her high, his resolve kicked in and he made his move.

"What the fuck is this?" he screamed as he moved with a vengeance towards the bed.

"Killian? It's not what you think!" he heard Milah say as she moved off the man beneath her to hide near the closet. She picked up some article of clothing and tried to make herself look decent.

Killian didn't care that the other man was naked. He hurled himself at Gold, grabbing the man by the neck and forcing him to stand up and face him.

"Oh really? You mean I didn't just walk in on you fucking another man, a low man for that matter, in my bed, in the house I bought you, a day after you accepted my proposal? You mean I didn't just see you come because of this disgusting excuse for a man?" he questioned, never turning to look at Milah, instead pushing Gold back so he was pinned against the wall. The man was furiously trying to break free of Killian's grasp.

"Killian, stop, you're hurting him!" Milah cried, throwing herself at the duo.

Killian's grasp slipped and Gold stumbled away. He quickly picked up his clothing from the heap on the floor and ran for the door. Killian began screaming after him, following the man down the hallway and towards the front door.

"That's right, run! Run coward. You come into another man's house and fuck his fiancee? You'd better run you low life, dirty asshole!" he screamed as he went, but before he could make his way out the front door to follow, Milah stepped in his way.

"Killian, stop," she pleaded, her hands coming up in surrender just like they did years ago when she confronted him at the Nolan's.

"Why? Why should I stop?" he bellowed.

"Because it isn't his fault," she cried, tears streaming down her face. The t-shirt she had picked up off the floor now covering her naked body.

"What?" he barked, anger pulsing through him.

Milah didn't respond, instead she moved to sit down on the couch. Killian stood for a moment in his foyer, taking in everything around him. If only he had just been a bit more observant, he would have seen Gold's car sitting at the bottom of the driveway. He would have seen all the other signs in his house that would lead him to know Milah had been unfaithful. It was in that moment he realized that this wasn't something that just happened. Milah was just as much to blame as Gold. And what did she mean it wasn't Gold's fault?

"What the fuck is going on Milah?" he questioned, refusing to move into the living room.

She didn't answer.

"How long?" he didn't want to hear the answer, but at least it would cover the what is going on question.

"Two years," she said in a whisper. His heart fell. For two years, two fucking years, Milah had been sleeping with another man. For two years, while he had been nothing but faithful to her, she had been doing exactly what she blamed him for doing years ago, while taking it to a whole new level.

"Why?" was all he responded.

"Two years ago, when they sent you to Seattle, I met Robert. I was worried about you being so far away, and how you didn't try to stop the training from happening. I was worried that it was all a cover to see Emma. I kept tabs on her and knew she was in Seattle that weekend for some stupid photo shoot and I thought you were going to cheat on me. So I thought, why not? If you can do it, I can too," she explained, and it was all a load of bullshit. If Milah kept tabs on Emma, than she knew Killian didn't ever contact her. She was just using that as a excuse and he wasn't going to put up with it.

"Bullshit Milah! Why are you really screwing around, after everything we've been through? After everything we've done! Why even accept my proposal?" he questioned.

"Come on Killian, we've never really been happy. We both put on a mask. I've never really been happy. Sure, the first few months back together were nice, but you have to know we just aren't meant for each other, one way or another. We would have never made it down the aisle," she confessed.

He didn't think his heart could shatter any further, yet it was breaking again. For moments, they just sat there, neither of them talking. Finally, after an eternity, he told her he was going to stay at a hotel. She had till morning to get her shit out and find somewhere else to go. He was putting the house on the market first thing. He told her he never wanted to see or hear from her again.

The next day, as Smee worked through all the paperwork, Killian reported for training with the Dodgers. He spent the next year working on his game, improving each day, hoping to put the image of Gold and Milah behind him. The best thing about the draft was he would never have to see them again.

Robin had told him that Gold and Milah were living together a few months later and that they were engaged and expecting a baby. That night, Killian played the worst game of his life; he didn't hit a single ball and he had to deal with his father's complaints.

It was that night he also told his father about Milah and what happened. His father didn't act surprised, he told Killian she had been holding him back all along. He also said that now she was out of his life he could finally focus on what really mattered.

Winning the World Series that year was the only thing that was happy about his first year in the league.

The next time he saw Robert Gold was when he was hitting him on the mound in San Diego.

"So there you have it love. I threw my career away over a woman who I believed to love me. I never thought I would see either of their faces again. Or at least not in the way I did, so when he finally hit me with that ball, I snapped. The bastard had it coming. I never once hit him when I found him fucking my fiancee," he explained, ending his story.

Emma had sat patiently during his tale. She never once let go of his hand. He saw her face fall when he said he had lost his child. He felt her slight strokes as tears slid down his face as he told her of finding Milah in bed with another man. She had been understanding and comforting towards him, and he had done nothing to deserve it. He didn't deserve to have her comfort him. She shouldn't have to hear what terrors had happened to him since their last encounter.

Yet there she sat, her eyes wide but filled with compassion. Her hands held his as their thighs brushed together.

"Well, if you ask me, he deserved it," she said with a laugh, dissolving some of the tension in the room.

It was dark, but he saw how her eyes shined. Here she was, trying to console him, trying to make him see the light at the end of the tunnel. He was sure that one day he would say that this was the moment he fell in love with Emma Swan all over again.

"Aye lass maybe he did, but what my father said is still true. I was throwing it all away for Milah. If years ago, she had asked me to leave baseball to raise a family, I would have done so in an instant. I would have traded everything I had, everything I would have been, just to make her happy. And to find out she never really did love me, it makes me angry. I haven't done anything my father didn't warn me about," he whispered, moving away from her touch and walking towards his tumbler she removed earlier. There was still a part of him, quite a large part, that felt ashamed of what had happened.

He allowed himself to be played. He allowed himself to lose focus of what was important. He allowed himself to not see himself without a woman, that woman. His father had warned him early on, after Milah's surprise visit, that she would one day be his downfall if he didn't make sure to protect himself and his heart. Back then, he used to think that maybe, just maybe, his father actually cared about Killian as a person and not as a ball player, but after his show tonight, he realized that his father would probably never truly care about his well being. Yet, those words still haunted him.

"Killian, you fell in love. You did nothing wrong," she said, standing up and coming to his side and he couldn't help but scoff at her words.

"Emma, I allowed myself to get into this mess. Ever since Milah arrived at your door step, I allowed her to rule everything I did," he tried to explain.

"No, you didn't. Killian I understand, believe me, I understand way more than you think," she said with a sadness in her voice. She had returned to the bed, looking downtrodden.

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"I met Neal so quickly after I moved to LA and we had a whirlwind romance at first. Things were good, but we began to drift apart early in our relationship. I could feel him slipping away. At the time, I thought I loved him. And like your father, my mother had very strong opinions of what my life should be like. Every time we talked, she asked if I was dating anyone. I never told her about Neal; she would have never approved, but she thought that my time in college should have been spent trying to find a husband. So, when I saw Neal slipping away and when I had to deal with my mother's insistence that I try and think about settling down, I came up with a stupid idea. I thought that maybe if I was pregnant, maybe if we had a child, that I could keep Neal and satisfy my mom. I had a scare a few months later. I thought I was pregnant and so did Neal. Like I thought, he became devoted to me and seemed to care more about our relationship. Thankfully, it was just that, a scare. Because in the end, nothing could have saved Neal and I. Sure, we had good times, and yes, maybe I loved him once, but we weren't good together. So I understand just what you feel about Milah," she confessed.

Killian moved to kneel at her feet. She was crying and he wanted nothing more in that moment than to comfort her the way she did him. Her story wrecked him. They had lived through so much drama and heartache since they last met and neither one of them deserved it. She deserved to have someone committed and devoted to her. She deserved to be loved, truly and fully.

"Emma love, I am so sorry that happened," he said, unsure of what to say.

"There is more," she whispered, finally looking up at him.

He cocked his head in a silent plea for her to tell him.

"Neal cheated on me. Two days ago," she began, pausing to allow him to swear against the man. She really did understand what he was going through. She really did get him in a way that most people never would. She had gone through a tough love, one that she had once believed in, only to have it ripped from right out beneath her.

"I found him in my bed with another model. In that moment, I wanted to kill him. I wanted to throw every piece of furniture I could find. I wanted to break everything within my reach. Unfortunately, much like you, I didn't really do anything. I left in a wrath, but looking back, if I saw him again, I would certainly not hesitate to punch the bastard in his pretty face. So I understand exactly what you were thinking, what you were feeling. I understand you, Killian," she said, looking him dead in the eyes. They bore into his soul. She really did get it. Just like their conversations years ago, they were connecting on a level no one else would ever be able to compete with.

Without thinking, without any hesitation, he pounced. His lips crashed to hers in a rage. She had been hurt too much, and he wanted nothing more than to take that pain away. He wanted nothing more than to soothe her soul and rid her of the feelings that he knew all too well.

Her lips on his were like medicine. They washed away the pain that Milah had left behind. He hoped that his lips were as healing as hers were.

Thankfully, he received his answer quickly. She pulled him closer, her hands running down his back and anchoring him to her. Her moans were deepening and her eagerness was clearly seen. He needed her in a way he never needed anyone else before. It was a mixture of the truth he just learned and the feelings he once had for her. Whichever it was, he needed to be as close to her as she allowed. He needed to be with her. He wanted to do everything to prove to her just how much she was worth, to him and to the world.

He moved with a force. He lifted her up and placed her down on the bed, hovering above her. His lips met hers again as she pulled him down on top of her, her back arching to meet him. Her legs were spread wide, accepting his weight between them. He couldn't help the reaction his cock was having and when he felt her move against him, he thought he would never be able to last long enough to truly be with her.

And just like on the plane, they made out like horny teenagers on a first date. His hands slid to cup her breasts hidden beneath her shirt. He felt her shiver when his hand connected with the lacy material of her bra.

Screw waiting to find out where their relationship was going, screw going slow. He needed to feel her, needed to chase that high with her.

Even though he needed to do all those things and even though his hand was firmly cemented on her chest and he was being driven wild by Emma's gyrating hips beneath him, he knew that they had to stop. If they continued where this was going, if he continued to kiss her senseless, they would both regret it in the morning. Sure, Killian knew he would never regret anything with Emma, but he would regret how it happened.

When Killian won her over, it wouldn't be because of just the raw attraction between them and it wouldn't be because of the sob story they both just told each other. It wouldn't be because they were both hurting. No, it would be because it was something they both wanted and needed. He was going to do this the right way, even if it killed him.

"Emma, love, we should stop," he said, pulling away from the siren beneath him. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips swollen.

She didn't look too disappointed, but there was a twinge of something sad underneath her eyes.

"Don't get me wrong, I love where this is going. But I'm drunk and we've just told each other some pretty deep shit. I think it would be best if we just slowed down a bit and saw where this was going," he explained, moving his hand to her chin to lift it to meet his gaze.

"Yeah, you're probably right," she sighed.

He moved to allow her to sit up. Her shirt was all wrinkled thanks to their little romp, her hair tousled in a way that made him immediately regret stopping what had happened. These next few weeks were going to be torture if he had to see her every day looking like that. She moved quickly away from him, her shoulders sagging in rejection. He was sure her thoughts were swirling, he could see her processing everything that had just happened.

"Don't go," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He didn't want her to leave, he wanted to hold her, to feel something. He didn't want to be alone. He needed someone. He realized he had been alone for far too long. Earlier in the day, he spent some time thinking that being alone would be a good thing for him, but now that Emma was here, now that he felt what it was like to have him in his arms, he knew that being alone was the opposite of what he wanted or needed.

"I don't know Killian," she murmured. She didn't turn to look back at him as she moved towards their shared door.

"Please, stay," he begged, noting a desperation in his voice.

He could see the outline of her body in the moonlight that streamed through his window. He saw her take a deep breath and turn back towards him. She stalked slowly towards the bed and caressed his cheek when she was close enough. Her touch set him on fire.

"Fine, but nothing is happening," she breathed.

"Aye, just as long as you stay," he agreed, reaching up to touch her hand.

"OK, just let me go change and I'll be right back. No more rum," she scolded him, as she walked back to her room.

He tried to calm his mind as he waited for her to return. He changed into his sleep bottoms, never able to sleep with a shirt on and hoped Emma would be OK with it. He moved into the bed, pulling down the blankets to allow her to slide in next to him. He didn't want to think too much about what had just happened, or what may have happened. He didn't want to rile himself up again, but his mind couldn't help but go there. He knew it was best to let things build between them, to allow their relationship, if that is what this was, to flourish naturally. It needed to develop the way it once had. Yet, in the back of his mind, he wished that he hadn't been such a gentleman.

His thoughts stopped as Emma came back into his room in a tank top and short shorts. She smiled at him from the doorway to the bathroom as she turned off the lights. He watched her saunter over to the bed and climb in. Without hesitation, she curled up next to him, placing her head right onto his chest, her hand snaking across his skin and onto his stomach. Instinct drew his arms around her, pulling her closer than before. He placed a kiss to the crown of her head. He knew without a doubt that he would be getting a good sleep that night.

[marv-s-orginal-stories]

The Resistance: Chapter 1

*disclaimer I apologize in andvance for these character intros they are super similar to other character intros in an other story but I pronise the characters branch out* Chapter 1: An Introduction to the Activists It is said that spring is the time of rebirth but if it is why do we start our years in winter, why are world leaders elected in fall, and why do revolutions take place in summer. That was the question set to ponder on the chilly February day. It was a gray day the kind of sent to remind you that it was still winter and not yet growing warm. The icy sheets of rain had let up just long enough for people to walk from their homes or for tourists to spend time outside. This February day was quite different from any other cold almost spring days for today was valentine’s day, a day for love to prosper but the world then was filled with hate, pure hate. Love, now that was needed and sadly that was in very short supply. The people of the United States had trouble with loving anything for too long. They had trouble loving each other.

Down the street in the village below the Georgetown campus was a coffee shop and above that coffee shop was a loft of sorts in that loft was a pretty sight there was a tubby wood burning stove in the corner that everyone worried would cause a fire. It was packed with students well, packed might have been an exaggeration. It held at least fifteen people today.  The room was used by no one most of the time but when it was being used it was being used by a group of students. They were loud and could be heard out the well lit window on summer nights but during days like these the window was locked shut and sound did not leave the room. Everyone was silent. Their heads bowed over something, for some home work for others it was personal project, and for the majority it was publications for a newspaper/web news site. ‘The Activist Paper’ as it was known on campus. It was actually called The Student Sentinel. It was a collection of bipartisan articles, even though all of the people who wrote the newspaper were liberal shmiberals.

The newspaper was not the only export of the room. This room was like the tavern where the sons of liberty met, like the salons where the Jacobins discussed the happenings of Paris, The Play Royale, it was where the great liberating minds of the times met. That room was, pardon my reference, the room where it  happened. In it was the planning of rebellion in a time where everyone  wanted to rebel against the government they felt was looming on becoming oppressive. The group was known by many names. There official name was the Coalition of the Friends of the Discriminated. They were more commonly known as The Activists of DC. The DCs as they were referred to in casual conversation, much to the displeasure of  one of the two leaders . The room had six booths three on each wall of the rectangular room on the other side of the room was a few wooden tables in chairs. The members sat quietly in a thick tension between the two leaders in the room.

The first was Gabriel Saint Louis, otherwise known as Gabe. Gabriel was a beautiful young man whose charm and charisma lured even the most hesitant in yet he was neither warm nor patient. He could be terrible in many ways. Gabriel however fair of appearance, had no tolerance for anything that stood in his way. The 22 year old Political Science major’s pure blue eyes never seemed to be completely present they often seemed to be looking at something that only he could see. In them you could the history of the men like him before him, you could see Robespierre, Adams, Washington, Hamilton, Lenin, and Danton. You could see the desire for revolution that lurked in the heart of the handsome Gabriel. His blonde curls fell onto his tan forehead above his puppy dog ice blue eyes. Though he had men and women thrusting themselves at him constantly he rarely noticed them. Gabe was not looking for someone to love, he was looking for people to help him make a change. His atypical behavior had gained discussion around the room and the campus. He was the priest, the saint, the protector of the revolutionary flame, the priest of the movement.

The other leader sat slammed in a booth. That was Mathilde Brennan-Boivin. Mathilde, or as her friends knew her Mat, was ruthless and strong but she unlike Gabe had patience, she had a human level of compassion. She was stunning as Gabriel but unlike him she used her beauty. Her fair appearance was used to seduce the best minds even if she didn’t sleep with them, they still were drawn to her. She shone like a beacon of light to all the activists. Her passion was evident  and it inspired everyone including the Patron Saint of the movement Gabriel, even though he would never admit it. Mathilde looked very different from Gabriel. She had green gray blue eyes that reminded one of an ocean in a storm and that was what was in her eyes a coming storm, a flickering flame, that light and power showed through;those eyes could cut you like knives or welcome you like an old friend. Mathilde had both sides in her character. Her dark hair was often worn down hanging around her pale face and onto her shoulders. The black curls that hung around her face gave her a further air of mystery. Her face had a cold look to it. Despite her smiling eyes, her high cheek bones, danity, slightly upturned button nose and the way the corners of the her lips always found a down turned position. That gave her the look of Gabe, that look of unadulterated devotion and cold emotions. Mathilde was not the saint or the nun of the ideals. She, like Saint Just, really embodied them; she represented what the idea of revolution was. Mathilde was ruthless and could be cold. Passion burnt in her eyes. She also had compassion for the people who were the most vulnerable. Most importantly, Mathilde, like the enticing flame of revolution, drew great people to her. She and Gabriel were more similar  than they liked to admit. Gabe and Mathilde challenged each other. They had no reason to the both of them were equally as worthy as the leadership position. However both had a strange want for each other. The man devoted to his ideals and the woman who embodied them.

Mathilde slapped a sleeping man next to her. It was her adopted brother Jared. Where Mathilde had this passion and conviction to her belief in her ideals Jared lacked; he had beliefs but he had not the desire to fight for them like his younger sister.  

Jared was handsome and charming when sober but when not he was crude and brash. He drank often more than his precious little sister wanted him to. Jared had a deep love of his sister and felt the one of the few things he was good at was protecting her from the dangers of life, when he was not high or intoxicated. The alcohol and drugs were driven by some degree of self loathing. Jared had deep affection toward his sister but he had none for himself. Jared sat up quickly and looked at his little sister. He looked sloppy, with his maroon t-shirt covered by stains. His sweatshirt lay on the table as a pillow. Jared’s dark curls were oily and slightly matted but he hid it extremely well with a beanie. His face had a thin layer of stubble around it and although he got more than 8 hours of sleep each day his blue eyes resembled someone who had not slept for days. Dark ikea bags outlined the bottom of his bloodshot eyes. Jared shared an apartment with Mathilde. They often said it was them against the world. Their parents not very attentive to Jared and over attentive to Mathilde their perfect baby girl that did not come from them. Jared was five when Mat was adopted. Mathilde was still an infant when she had been adopted. Jared had vowed that day to protect his little sister to always be there for her. To do her hair, to help her with anything from dancing to homework. That was his purpose.

He had met Gabriel Saint Louis in his Senior year. He had been given the task of showing the kid around campus but he and Gabriel never became great friends. However, he was the first person to dwell in this back room; he had brought Gabe here on their first day of showing him around. Well, he brought Gabriel, and Gabe’s two friends Christopher and Conrad. It was his way of showing them the hotspots. The trio had planted roots here and the boy who had showed them never really left. Jared graduated stayed to get his masters and let his little sister move in with him. It was better this way he could keep her safer in general.

Christopher Wiatt sat next to Gabriel reading, simply reading. Christopher was Logos in the equation of the group. He was logical, calm, cool, and collected. His face was fair and prone to reddening when frustrated. He had black rectangular glasses that framed his sapphire eyes, eyes that seemed deeper than the darkest ocean. The boy was quieter but inquisitive. He troubled his head with Marx, Locke, Voltaire, Rousseau, Plato, and Proudhon. Enjoying reading them and sharing what had learned with other especially  Gabe and Conrad. Chris did not have many friends but with Gabe and Conrad he could be himself and even though he was dreadfully awkward and quiet Conrad and Gabe sure weren’t. Christopher combed his sandy hair out of the way of his glasses. He ought to get it cut; he hated when it got past his glasses. It became a nuisance then. Christopher dwelled in a collection of cardigans, sweater vests, and geeky t-shirts. His dorky smile perpetuated his asserted nerdiness. He was the proofreader of all articles, he was also the official organizer of the group. Mathilde, Gabriel, and Conrad were not always the most organized of people no matter their other stunning qualities.  Chris liked binders and spred sheets, he also liked folders, those were just a few of his favorite methods of organization. The tall nerdy boy was the essential, he was the coolant. When everything went up in flames he put them out, with them help of Conrad, sometimes. Conrad and Christopher had been friends first.  Gabe had moved to their street when he was 10. They quickly gained the title the three musketeers.

Conrad the final member of the trifecta sat trying his hardest to make Chris laugh. It wasn’t working extremely well. Conrad was the only one who seemed to have some humanity in him. He was not socially awkward like Chris nor was he unreasonably harsh like Gabe. Conrad was charismatic because he connected with people. He was extremely emotionally intelligent and was an emotional sponge. Conrad had a warm smile that he often wore to show that unlike his friends, one of whom did not give a shit about you unless you were holding a demonstration, he was a normal human.  Conrad cared, he cared for every single person on the planet. His heart was always in the right even though sometimes he went too far with his antics. Conrad had a knack for trying to set couples up and it seemed to everyone a massive waste of time, everyone was mostly  Chris, Laurent, Gabe, and Mathilde. Jared didn’t mind. Hell he liked seeing his friends being shoved at each other as the Beatles song “All You Need Is Love” played in the background. It was only when he tried to set Mathilde up when Jared freaked out. His sister would never, ever date someone in this God forsaken little group.

Conrad was now pulling up the front of his swooshy brown hair off his forehead and trying to make it into a horn shape. Chris was still refusing to break.  Conrad’s warm bright brown eyes crossed as he looked as his nose that was wrinkled in frustration. He always looked very nice and presentable. Not in the nerdy Christopher way, but in his very own way. Conrad liked sweaters, he liked flannels, and he liked patterned button ups the most. Today he was wearing a navy blue button up with white polka dots. He was also a sucker for expensive shoes. If you looked inside the boys closet you would find that he had stashed away at least 20 pairs of shoes. Today he had gone with his black shiny doc martins with the sunshine yellow laces. They thumped on the floor. Conrad had for a long time been the tallest in the group until Gabe and then finally Chris shot up to tower above him. He liked that the doc martins gave him a little height so he did not seem so small besides his friends. Though anyone standing besides Gabe looked small no matter if they were a giant. Conrad was still trying to get Chris to laugh still no luck. He was confusing the hell out of his cousin Laurent though.

Laurent was sitting next to the other female in the room. The other female was named Esmeralda but her introduction is coming latter. Laurent was Conrad’s cousin and a friend to the rest of the group. He was lanky but not unattractive; he had that artsy slim look going for him. He was a shameless freckle face with jade green eyes and blonde hair. Laurent was naive, he had grown up in the bourgeois suburbs in Southern California. His mother and father took great care to protect him from reality. It was this naivety that made him valued. His innocence and his wide eyed enthusiasm. It was hard for him to be independent. He was glad to have Conrad as a faithful cousin to help him get adjusted to life outside of his immediate family’s thumb. Laurent had come into his own though.  He had made friends with everyone in that room.  Esmerelda fiddled with the collar of his green dress shirt as he smiled fondly at the pretty girl leaning into him.

Esmeralda, or Essie, was a beautiful girl. She was a lovely thing with soft brown eyes and chocolate curls a top tanned skin. Esmeralda was slim and elegant with a bit of shape to her. Her name had been taken from a Victor Hugo novel, by her mother, a professor of French literature. Esmeralda was not as passionate about the cause as Mathilde was but she was a believer in what the people in that room stood for. Essie was from a family that wanted their daughter to experience everything. So she did. Esmeralda Keeper had seen wealth and poverty, sickness and health, death and life, despair and joy, and so much more. It was what gave her, her character. Esmeralda was witty and sassy but she was also a bit prone to jealousy. Not that it ever showed. Emeralda was a beautiful girl often covered by some hand made garment. She made her own clothing most of the time using scraps from her own and goodwill. She also helped run a cute bohemian clothing shop. Esmeralda often wore these unique colored clothing and one eye catching piece, today it was a light pink silk scarf with cherry blossoms on it. Her eyes were often framed by white eyeshadow and dramatically winged eyeliner. She was beautiful. Laurent whispered something into her ear causing her to smile. Laurent Morel had met Esmeralda when Essie was still sixteen. They had become friends. Esmeralda often worked as her mother’s errand boy. Laurent knew who her as the girl who dressed in patches and walked around campus barefoot. She had helped him get to his classes on time, sadly Laurent’s sense of direction was lacking. They did not really become friends until after Esmeralda joined the ranks of a college student. It had been just recently that Laurent and Esmeralda had decided to date. Everyone agreed that Essie was perfect for Laurent.  

The final booth was louder than the others. Laying basically on the table was Jakub. Jakub was mixed race his father was Polish and his mother was African American. They had raised him in an apartment in New York city and with a deep love of history. Jakub was not quiet about his adoration for history in general. His frequent trips to the UN also gave him an immense interest in foreign policy making him a champion in Model United Nations club as a kid. He was reaching for the letter from his mother that Blaise had taken from him.

Blaise was a flame haired boy with a calm yet slightly intense demeanor. Blaise was a football player and all in all tough. He was intense, very intense, when it came to the cause or anything else in life. He was like drinking hard alcohol from a shot glass intense. His attitude was generally pretty positive and people generally liked him.

Next to him, was a man name Jehan. Jehan Hugo was small in stature and a very pretty person. He was the kind of person who could pass as a beautiful girl if he really wanted too. Jehan liked all sorts of things most importantly he liked the arts. He worked part time in the gift shop at the main art museum at the mall. He and Esmeralda often shared clothing pieces and was very fond of her scarves. His hair and face always looked perfect. He had taken to the trend of drawing on freckles to his face and his own trend of purple guy liner. It looked great to everyone though no one dare admit they wished they could pull off little eyeliner hearts under the corners of their eyes.

The final boy was named Felix and he was the kind of person with a sweet demeanor about him. He had orange hair and sparkling green eyes that showed a level of insight. He seemed the kind of person who should wear glasses although he never did. Felix studied medicine with Chris here on campus. Felix took it much more serious when it came to implementing that training into practice his christmas gift to everyone was hand sanitizers from bath and body works. He also took it open himself to be the human dispenser of advil and cold medicine. He even carried around some of his friend prescription meds in order to remind them to take their meds. Together the entire bar was quietly working and all because Mathilde and Gabe had gotten into a pissing match.

When the two clashed it was an intriguing display, for the fact that Gabe represented the protector of the ideals and Mathilde the ideals themselves. When they fought a sexual tension lingered between them and it made everyone uncomfortable, except for Mathilde’s brother who was usually drunk or stoned out of his mind. The substance of their quarrel was the location of the rally they were planning. It was a common enough bickering point and everyone knew that Mat and Gabe loved each other too much to ever do lasting damage.

Mathilde and Gabriel were not dating. They were co-leaders, co-leaders that had an abundance of sexual and most likely romantic attraction that showed when they argued or were working super well together. Gabe constantly eyed Mathilde. His blue eyes drifting from his plans to Mathilde and her brother.

Gabe had always found Mathilde beautiful, but he never acted on it. His attraction for her had grown as she had gained her footing as the co leader in the group. Jared had first brought his sister when she was a sophomore after she had spent a year basically leading a feminist group. Jared brought her to the meetings to keep a better eye on her, even though he usually got too drunk to take care of her at this place.

Jared liked Gabe very much, he found the man noble and highly moral. Gabe seemed to have a zeal about him that Jared admired. Whereas Jared seemed to have no nobility or anything to be zealous  about. Jared was the kind of person who appeared  to have nothing going on. Jared was a smart and could have done even better things in his life.  When he was a high school student he got into the party scene. He had played lacrosse and too dance aswell, but something happened. Parties and stupidity and pressures of society had driven him into a jaded state. He had been driven into such a pit of self loathing. His sister had tried to help him but it was hard for her. She was five years younger and could only do so much.

Mathilde had dragged him out of bars, out of friends houses, and literally any place where one could party and get high/drunk. It was a sad sign when your ten year older sister had to literally pull you home in a wagon on her beach cruiser.  By the time she was 13 Mathilde had been driving for two years illegally getting her brother home. It was rough but Jared did care very much for her and did try his best to be there for his little sis. He had helped her practice her dancing, drove her to class when he could, and came to every single competition. When ever he found her stressed out of her brain doing homework, crying because she was overwhelmed, or was feeling down in general he would distract her, help cheer her up with music blasting/ watching bootlegged musicals/musical movies. When he got his car he would take her out for whatever food she wanted and they would sit and eat together while he joked around to make her feel much better. He took care of her like a big brother should care for a little sister.

Gabriel, then turned his eyes away and noticed the loving glance that Conrad was giving Chris. It was so annoying the fact that both his best friends were madly in love with each other and had been since highschool but never ever did anything about it. He cleared his throat causing Chris and Conrad to snap their heads to look at him.

“Yes?” Chris perked up at the opportunity to take on a new task.

“Have you finished the organization of those past articles to add to our archive?” Gabriel asked his organization happy friend.

“Yes, anything else?” Chris sighed. Gabe wrinkled his forehead.

“Can you and Conrad work on figuring out the next location for our protest?” Gabe ordered

“Yes, of course,” Conrad smirked and tugged on Chris’s cardigan. Chris smiled and opened his binder and Conrad rolled his eyes.  Conrad had fallen in love with a nerd, a goddamn beautiful nerd. A nerd he wanted to date.

Gabe looked back at Mathilde who was chatting with her brother. He frowned a bit and looked at the memo on his laptop a text from his mother warning him about his activities and his funds from his parents.

Younger generations tend to see the world as it could be not as it is. Students want to change the world more than many of their parents who were content with their bourgeois existence.  In the youth you find the vision of how the earth should be and not as it was. That is different in their predecessors who can no longer see that view their lives adjusting to the problems they live with. They assimilate to the problems and begin to forget about them even justify their existence. Then there is the matter of religion and how many people find it truly latter in life. Religion has been the reason for wars and laws for years and when someone has found it they use it justify even the worst kind of laws. That was essentially why Gabe found his funds under threat by his parents.

Gabriel Apollinaire Saint Louis belonged to a prominent and wealthy family resting comfortably in the top one percent. Gabe had opportunities for everything growing up, he attended multiple high brow boarding schools. Gabe’s family  lived in a large house in Connecticut. It was sandwiched between the houses of the Philander and the Wiatt family. The homes of Conrad and Chris. The boys stuck together in their high class, very posh lives. Their large back yards and game rooms gave the three relatively well behaved boys enough entertainment for the summers and holidays in which they were home from their boarding schools and exchange programs.

It seemed that no place would be more unlikely for a young revolutionary to be spawned. That was his background Mrs. Saint Louis was a well mannered woman who had a very strict idea of how things ought to be done. It must be mentioned that the surname Saint Louis, was pronounced San Loui, at her discretion. She could not stand when someone pronounced it Saint Lewis, like the city. She dressed in highly fashionable and simple clothing with delicate elegant jewelry. Her favorites were pearl necklaces and sapphire earrings. The woman kept the appearance as neat as possible with perfect modest makeup. Her blonde hair that had to be dyed regularly to hide the gray that was showing itself more and more with age was always swept off her face and done perfectly never frizzy and with no hair out of place. She looked perfect constantly as if nothing in her life had ever been wrong.

Mrs. Saint Louis, or Reinette, was a strictly catholic and pious woman. She had been born in France to a well of family, that raised her in a slew of religious schools around the world. Reinette dragged her small family of three to church every Sunday, unless they were sick or had a conflict that could not be ignored. She was known as a leader of book clubs, charity galas, and countless bible studies. Reinette loved gardening and had a beautiful garden that was maintained by her and the staff of three grounds keeper. Although, she seemed strict she would never lay a hand on her son if not in a loving embrace. Her little angel, her Gabriel, whom she had named. From the second he was born she had made sure her only son had every advantage in the world. She constantly insisted her son was a genius and fancied him a successful high power lawyer and maybe a senator. Her love for her son knew no bounds but it did not mean she was not willing to be strict with her little angel.  When he did things in which she disapproved she did not hesitate in punishing him with taking away things.

When it came to politics she had very firm opinions. Most of the time Fox news played through the home although Gabe most often changed it to CNN which was as liberal as Mrs. Saint Louis was willing to allow in her tightly run ship of a home. However, when Gabe had tried to watch MSNBC on the living room tv she had a fit and blocked the channel as if it were something nasty like porn. Her dismay at her son’s new radical opinions was very evident. Yet she could never do anything as cruel as cut her son off.

Mr. Saint Louis, or Charles, was a charming man with wit that was used sparingly. He dressed constantly as if he was in the public view his blonde hair always neatly combed and his clothing well ironed and crisp, his shoes were always shined and he had a liking of expensive fine watches. His hobbies included attending sporting events, besides basketball, through box seats that were always high class and comfortable. He also liked painting and art in general. That was how he had met Reinette.

He had traveled to France to study art for awhile, where he met Reinette Lebelle. She had met him at a cafe they both frequented. They had married fairly quickly after that meeting. Then they had Gabriel and he became their world. In Gabriel, Mr. Saint Louis saw his replacement as the leader of his company. In Gabriel he saw a brilliant and charming young man capable of wonderful things. His son’s upbringing meant the world to him and he parented Gabe the best way he knew how. He parented him with the goal of raising his replacement and a mini version of himself and his wife.

When he had figured out that Gabriel was an activist for causes that he,  himself had considered a threat to the family’s own well being, he had been furious and constantly made Gabe show them his finances. What he spent his generous allowance on mostly, every time they saw that he was spending a sizeable amount on his revolution they threatened to cut him off. Gabe worried sometimes about it. As much as he wanted to be independent of his family, he did need their money to go to school, to help pay his share of the rent, and it allowed him to plan protests most of the time. That was the only reason he even took their money.

So yes his family while they ment well were the least likely people to raise someone like Gabriel.

That brings us back to the earlier statement about the youth seeing more for what they want. That is what Gabe saw, it was what everyone in that room saw. That was what they stood for revolution. They stood for the spark of rebellion that existed in the youth who could strive to create a change.

Still the debate over where they were to host their rally hung in the air and Gabe kept looking at her expecting for her to apologize. The more she sat without giving him even a glance. Gabe would furrow his brow. Then he would turn back to his two other friends.

“She is as stubborn as an ass,” Gabe swore.

“Hmm…” Chris looked out pushing up his glasses. “I do assume you have her all wrong if you think that she will just concede.” He scoffed in his own thoughtful manner.

“Ah…Mademoiselle petit Saint Just,” Conrad laughed in his usual mischievous tone.  The boy quite adored French; he found it absolutely lovely. He had taken it in school with Latin as required. Chris chose to study Chinese and Greek along side, Gabe was brought up speaking French but ended up studying Latin, Russian and Arabic. Gabe winced when he  heard the French language because it reminded him of his mother and that brought him some small form of shame. “She is a strong one.” Conrad finished. ‘Little Saint Just’ was Gabe’s  nickname for Mathilde who adored the revolutionary Louis Saint Just.

“Ugh…” Gabe grunted “She is getting on my nerves.” He tightened his fists.

“Oh leave her be, go talk to her if you feel so strongly that she is too stubborn.” Chris pointed out slamming a binder closed.

“No!” Gabe exclaimed “Then she will have won!” He swore.

Mathilde did not share this feeling toward Gabe. She did not want to apologize but she sure as hell did not expect Gabe to come up to her and apologize. She did not care what Gabe thought and it was a spectacle  because Gabe desperately wanted her to care what he thought. Gabe’s life as an only child had made it hard for him to share.

“Jared,” She swatted her brother again.

“What!” He snapped in annoyance then immediately realised who he had snapped at. “Sorry Matty,” he sighed.

“Jared, do you want me to drive you home?” She asked softly.

“Not unless you wish to go home too.” Jared returned. Mat smiled gently and gave him a nod.

She turned back and caught Gabe staring at her. She knew he was angry with her for debating with him about how to run the next protest but he didn’t need to keep glaring at her.

“Actually, let’s go get ice cream  and call it a night, come on Jare…” She smiled and gathered her stuff. She pulled her red rain coat on and waited for Jared to get ready to go. She snatched the flask from her brother’s bag. This area was for almost only storage and so alcohol was brought by the participants. There were nights in which Gabe would confiscate the drinks that were brought  in. Tonight was one of those nights. Jared always brought a flask and  Gabe never found it.

“Alright,” Jared followed his sister out.

“Where are you going?” Gabe asked as she made her way past the table. She froze and turned back to him.

“I am leaving, Jared and I are going to get food and then I have to study.” Mat shrugged at Gabe. It seemed a harmless comment but Mat stood with the authority of someone who had come for a fight.

“But we have not resolved the topic  of location,” Gabe said sternly.

“Gabe, I must go but I may be willing to compromise, goodbye.” Mat smiled at him and left the loft. Gabe realised then that Mathilde had won.  She had won even though she didn’t know that she was competing.

[sawthefaeriequeen]

6, 14, 17, 20, 21, 35, 36!

6: Which book was the last one youreally, really loved?

Answered here!

14: Name a book where the movie/tvadaption actually was better than the original

 Ohhhh, I turned this over in my head a lot — Howl’s MovingCastle? But I liked that as much as theoriginal! It doesn’t count! Stardust? But I only read a little of the bookbecause I couldn’t connect with it! It’s not a fair comparison!

Then I remembered Stand By Me (adaptation of Stephen King’sThe Body) existed and all bets were off the table. :D

Don’t get me wrong, the book was good – I think Stephen Kingis a great writer even though I am a chicken and have read a grand total of twoof his books.  It’s good in a gritty,end-of-summery way and I loved his sensory prose. But the thing is it’s very muchframed as an older guy looking back at a time long gone.  There are jarring moments where Gordie  (main character) drops little bombs inadvance ala Death in Book Thief,  like“Teddy, what a crazy kid, man. Oh, by the way? He didn’t make it very far inlife. Anyway, on to the story of  ouradventure…”

And that’s okay! That’s how some stories are told! I justprefer how the movie told this story,where the four boys’ adventure is front and center, where you can watchchildhood innocence being lost’ as it’shappening, and  you don’t have theretrospective view of older!Gordie.

Another thing, the movie is a lot more, well, tender with  the characters.  They’re a lot more demonstrative andaffectionate with each other. The book-to-movie transition of the characterswas pretty faithful (and all the kids’ acting is so good!), except they madeGordie more fragile and introverted. Which actually served the story better. Because it’s so much moresatisfying , then, that the movie makes Gordie more proactive, and changes itup so that it’s he who saves the day and saves Chris (aka the gallant tough-guyBFF who is the one in this role, in the book).

I think the very last one is why I prefer the movie,honestly. Even Stephen King said “wow, I should’ve thought of that!” when hesaw it.

17: If you owned a bookshop whatwould you call it?

Lol, probably a bad pun with my name in it. I mean, justlook at my Goodreads name.

20: Bestsummer read?

Hah, so Ihave this unapologetic thing for contemporary YA summer books. I unabashedlylove Sarah Dessen (especially the books that take place in the beach town,Colby), and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (although not the last one,which made the old, crinnge-y mistake of thinking ‘adult’ meant dark and miserable).

I alsopicked up The Unexpected Everything by Morgan Matson last year because she wasdoing a signing here and I figured, eh why not. I’m really glad I did becausethat book had all the ingredients for my ideal summer book which were 1) girl goingsoul-searching and finding fulfillment, 2) romance I can get invested in, withactually-lovable nerd love interest  4)All sorts of shenanigans that make you wish you were right there, and 4) FRIENDSHIP – a strong group of lady friends,and a couple of guy friends too (and her love interest gets seamlessly integratedin the friend group, which was particularly delightful!), 5) Strong familybonding. # 5 was particularly nice in thisbook because usually, in the Summer Books, they only come to anunderstanding with their Estranged Family Member* at the end of the story. Here,she and her dad start actively repairing their relationship almost midwaythrough the book, and it’s great.  

*there isalmost always one!

21: Best winter read?

Oooh, okay, so I lovewinter books because obviously I live in a place without any snow at all. Sogrowing up, everything about wintery settings seem like a completely magicaluniverse* to me and I always devoured the obligatory ‘snow books’ thatcame in Sweet Valley, Baby-Sitters Club, American Girl etc. I mean, my favoritechildhood coloring book was one about the Arctic Circle.

Anyway, my favorite of those was The Bobbsey Twins At Snow Lodge. Such a delightfulwish-fulfillment  book, that one.  Some of the highlights:

1)     The obligatory mystery was set in this tiny cozycabin battered by snowstorms and the twins all had to spend Christmas there! Mybb id was so pleased at all the loving descriptions of wind howling and crazycold snow falling because in tiny!me’s head, they were sort of like the typhoons we get all the time, except excitinglydifferent.

2)     Of course, by the awesomeness of coincidence,their two cousins had to get away from their parents for Christmas too, becausePlot Reasons, and the Bobbseys are only too glad to take them in. “We can havea cousin Christmas!” I played with my cousins almost every weekend at thattime, and I thought that was most excellent.

3)     Copious and charming descriptions of hotchocolate, of a grandfatherly guy who drove an actual sleigh around town givingpresents to children, of having dress-up parties because there was nothing todo (and I loved that, because we did that too!), of a secret undergroundpassage that of course was  connected to the cabin, and of an oldfashioned Christmas where you had to hand-makeyour presents for your loved ones. I was so charmed.

4)     Back to the hot chocolate, because seriously. Inone of the scenes where the twins are fighting a sudden snowstorm to get backto their  cabin (which was another thing that pleased my tiny id.Because parents totally let their 7-12 year old children go boating and hikingby themselves all the time, yup) theyhave to take a break and so they take shelter under a convenient tree. And oneof the cousins whips out a freaking chocolate bar and melts snow  using a thermos and a convenient lighter andmakes hot chocolate right then and there for all of them to enjoy. I was all D:D: D: hot chocolate that wasn’t Milo or chocolate balls (which, cacaofarming  is/was a thriving business in myhometown )?! What sorcery is this?!

(And um yes, at some point I tried that trick with a candleand a chocolate bar. It did not work and I was Sad.)

*even the Madeleine L’Engle one where Vicky is trapped on anisland in Antarctica! And that one Sweet Valley where they have to fight forsurvival in an ice cave! And the one where the Baby-sitters are getting creepedby a stalker in a ski lodge. Because hey, I always I knew they’d survive and atleast it wasn’t happening to me.

35: Name a book you consider to beterribly underrated

Answered here!

 36: Name a book you consider to beterribly overrated

It kind of pains me to say, but whatI’ve read of the Lynburn books by Sarah Rees-Brennan.

 I wanted to like it! Her Demon series totally appealed me on a viscerallevel with its characters and the relationships between them (even though I willbe the first to admit that it’s really flawed as well). And the Lynburn series was set in a mysterious town with a spooky old house to be investigated –  it had a similar setting to so many adventurebooks I loved as a kid and a teen; it shouldhave been catnip to me.

 And yet I felt lie SR  was trying TOO much to pile the quirk andWhedon-esque dialogue on, to the point that they piled and piled and thecharacters did NOT feel like characters to me. They felt like caricatures. And therewere all the yay-ain’t-I-clever moments that threw me out of the story becausethat can’t possibly be realistic – likethe scene where the dad leaves her with Jared (who he doesn’t even know) in her room and all Dad can sayis wisecrack, wisecrack, wisecrack and he leaves them both for the night? Sorrybut no way an Asian parent is ever gonna act like that, EVER, no matter howcool they are.

 The thing that also really annoyedme is, it seems she gave all the big, juicy flaws to her male characters, andher female characters were just ‘quirkily nosy’ and ‘quirkily misanthropic ’but omg love them! Love them! Please love them, they’re awesome because I sayso! Eyeroll.  Just…eh, lady, do you nottrust me to love a girl character with huge flaws?

 Lastly, I quit in the second book becauseI kept seeing exchanges like this, which… say what you will about MaggieStiefvater, but she is still way better at writing a realistic woke teenager.For example, I like that scene where Blue tells off the condescending old guy (withAdam quietly supporting) because her dialogue doesn’t seem to me so darn contrivedand Tumblr-post-perfect as SR’s above. Those scenes were all over the place and they just threw me out of the book. As in, I stopped reading.

 And okay, people love this series alot, maybe for the same reasons I dislike what I’ve read of it. That’s cool . Ijust get a bit bristly when it’s touted as soooo much better than herprevious  one, because for me, sometimesless is more.

[nov-the-book-dragon]

Blown Away by ‘The Beacon’

I walked into the theatre not expecting to like Nancy Harris’ The Beacon, a co-production between The Gate Theatre and Druid Theatre Company showing as part of the Dublin Theatre Festival. Everything I’d read had simply put me off. There was so little information about it that I thought it was going to be boring and slow, nowhere mentioned how real the characters would feel or how sympathetic one would be towards them. It blew me away, a credit to both Nancy Harris and director Garry Hynes that my opinion was turned on its head.

 The stage was set when I arrived in The Gate Theatre – a few chairs, a table in one corner covered in art supplies and a painting on canvas in the centre - devoid of any curtain or separation from the audience. The lights went down and people quietly trickled onto the set, taking their places.

It opens mid conversation – Bonnie, an American, is exclaiming how much she can see in Beiv’s abstract painting. She can see menstruation and abortion and genital mutilation and pain. Beiv patiently lets her go on about how much female suffering she can see before simply stating “It’s a blood orange.” Beiv’s son and Bonnie’s husband, Colm, is looking bored out of his skull and making condescending comments about art. This tells us almost everything we need to know about the three characters. Colm (Marty Rea), is a cynic. Bonnie (Rae Gray), is an optimist and Beiv (Jane Brennan) is more of a realist. Their differences do not make them harmonious.

Beiv is an artist from Dublin who has moved down to Cork to an island she used to holiday at with Colm and his father. Colm has been living in America for years as a software engineer and recently married Bonnie, who, from most accounts, was almost many things but nothing stuck. Bonnie is enamoured with Beiv and looks up to her as an inspiration while Colm has nothing but contempt for his mother. We wonder why he decided to stay with her for his honeymoon if he dislikes her that much, but it is never explained. One assumes it is Bonnie’s doing.

After he and his mother disagree on one thing after another - including but not limited to renovating the cottage, moving to Cork, trad music and the neighbours – Colm storms out to book a room at a nearby B&B. Bonnie stays and basically acts like a grown up version of child-who-won’t-stop-asking-questions-when-you’re-busy. In keeping with that, Beiv placates her with some charcoal and a page.

It is not long after this that we are introduced to Donal, a local boy who is doing the work on the cottage and who had his heart broken by Colm in the past. Donal (Ian-Lloyd Anderson) honestly held the entire play together – he knew how to deal with Beiv, he entertained Bonnie and talked to Colm. He was the backbone of the story and the only character who was affable. Beiv was too self-centred to be likable, Bonnie too irritating and Colm was just downright unpleasant.

The first half ended with a loud bang that made me jump, both physically and to conclusions, but it isn’t immediately clear what happened. That really symbolises the jump of intensity in the play though, and it gets darker and more serious from then on. We learn a lot more about the characters – Beiv, Colm and Donal especially, and how their pasts are tangled up in one another. In the end, even Colm learns to see truth in Beiv’s painting, supposedly a blood orange but it always looked more like waves to me.

 Francis O’Connor’s set is wonderful in that it is simple yet also has the scope for so much more. It lets us see the story play out and the people come and go without getting in the way. It blends into the background and amplifies the story. Some sets are so distracting you can barely focus on the actors, that wasn’t an issue here. The lighting was also wonderfully executed – the back of the stage was entirely made of glass looking out onto the sea and the sky changed colour in accordance to the time of day, which really helped to set the scene and show the passage of time. As tensions rose it also reflected that with a coming storm and darkening of the sky. There wasn’t much background sound other than the sea, some sounds relating to that and a few instances of music. It helped with the remote feeling of the island and to situate it. The story was a quiet one, focusing mostly on the personal lives of the characters and a louder sound selection would have drowned that nuance out. The sound effects used were subtle.

I have to say that Harris’ dialogue is one of the most natural I’ve heard. It’s very real. One moment that comes to mind is when Colm and Bonnie have an argument. Colm has been drinking and Bonnie tells him that he’s being obnoxious, which he is. To that he replies, “So are you, but you’re American so you don’t notice.” I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve heard someone say something in the same vein as that. Quite often dialogue is only used to push the plot along and, as a result, doesn’t actually sound like something someone would say but Harris managed to do both, which is something that struck me very early on.

 From others I’ve talked to this is a very divisive piece, they either seem to have loved it or loathed it. The same things I adored, others intensely disliked. Why not go and see for yourself which side you’re on? The Beacon is showing in Dublin until the 26th of October and you can buy tickets online from The Druid’s website – www.druid.ie – I can guarantee this is a performance you won’t forget, whether for good or for bad.

[patheticphallacy]

IT’S MAY Y’ALL. Even though I’ll still be doing blog posts in May, it’s not going to be as hectic, as I finally finished my second year of university and have decided to take it easy after a very packed April.

I’m also doing things a little different with my wrap up this month by getting rid of star ratings. I watched a video on it, and I just feel like I’d rather people go by my actual comments on the books than look at the rating and decide that covers all my thoughts. I still have star ratings on Goodreads for my own personal use, but I’m doing my best to start writing proper summaries of my thoughts from now on!

READING WRAP UP

  Tropic of Serpents by Marie Brennan– a solid follow up to the first book, although there’s a startling lack of dragons in a series about a dragon naturalist! Definitely go into this one expecting a lot more politics than book 1, and Isabella starting a lot of Drama.

The Elementals by Michael McDowell– such an amazing horror novel! McDowell is so underrated for a writer who wrote predominantly in the seventies and eighties, and it’s so tragic how young he died. 

Princess Jellyfish Volume 1 by Akiko Higashimura– such a disappointing read. It’s really problematic, to the point where it drastically impacted my enjoyment of the plot, especially when I’ve got so many other more recent manga I could be enjoying more than this. 

Fullmetal Alchemist Volume 8 by Hiromu Arakawa– speaking of next tier manga… holy shit. I am so scared of volume 9 and finishing this series, it’s meant so much to me and it’s really helped me immerse myself fully in reading manga. 

Lumberjanes Volume 9 by Shannon Watters– Barney is a precious precious bean and I love them! This is a roller derby volume, and it was pretty great: I’ve been a fan of roller derby since I first watched Whip It, and this volume was super entertaining!

Lumberjanes Volume 10 by Shannon Watters– wholesome volume where the parents come to visit their kids. I do feel really sad for Molly, but it was nice seeing everyone else’s parents! 

Lumberjanes: A Midsummer Night’s Scheme by Nicole Andelfinger– this was a fun bonus one shot comic. However, it does get very cheesy and it’s whole message is just so obvious  that them explaining it was very much unneeded. 

Smut Peddler Volume 1 by Various Authors– this is a fun anthology of smut comics that I super enjoyed reading. E.K. Weaver’s comic is by far my favourite, and it’s only after I realised that it was a one shot about a character in her webcomic! 

Rumple Buttercup BY Matthew Gray Gubler– a very cute children’s graphic novel about loving yourself and finding acceptance! 

Smut Peddler Volume 2 by Various Authors– this wasn’t as good as volume 1, but I still read it really quickly and had a fun time looking at the different art styles and methods of story telling!

Dream Daddy by Various Authors– there are so many good moments in this comic, it’s so great. Highly recommend if you’ve played the game, and if you haven’t, check it out, it’s real fun! Damien and Robert’s issue was by far my favourite as they were my favourites in the game too.

Tokyo Ghoul Volume 5 by Sui Ishida– finally, I’m starting to enjoy Tokyo Ghoul. It took a while this volume to actually understand what the hell was happening, but once I did, it really did become something I enjoyed.

Rick and Morty VS Dungeons and Dragons by Patrick Rothfuss– A decent enough read, although there is way too much dialogue and exposition on every page. The font is really small, too, so reading it was a hassle. 

Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero– this book was actually terrible and I have a whole review discussing my issues and how harmful it is!

Jackass! Volume 1 by Scarlet Beriko– This is a funny, sweet manga about fetishes and blackmail. It has an age gap romance between an 18 year old and a doctor, and there is some transphobic bullying/weird treatment of bullying being okay if the person has a crush on you, but the main relationship is great, and the MC has a really lovely relationship with his older sister. 

Batwoman: Elegy by Greg Rucka– Chronicles the Alice Batwoman arc from Detective Comics, as well as giving the backstory for Kate. It’s so great having a badass DC hero who is a lesbian, whose storyline also touches on homophobia in the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ era of the military. Glad I finally got to this!

Sparrowhawk #5 by Delilah S Dawson– a really disappointing series conclusion overall. I knew I should’ve just stopped reading after the first issue and I wasn’t feeling it, and I honestly wish I had after such a dissatisfying conclusion. Others may enjoy this, but it really wasn’t for me.

Assassination Classroom Volume 1 by Yusei Matsui— an amazing series starter! Already really moving with a teacher who spends all his time encouraging his students despite being a threat to the entire world they have to kill within the year. I have a feeling this will become a new favourite.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara– really great non-fiction read written by a journalist who played a massive part in the resurgence of talk surrounding the Golden State Killer. You also get some of her life story, and by the end I was almost in disbelief that the author had already died by the time her work was published. I will say it did drag at points, especially in the parts not written by McNamara that had to be finished after she died, but overall a really thorough look into the cases and the victims.

The Woods Volume 5 by James Tynion IV– this series is- dare I say it- picking up? I still have issues with the representation and the fact that most of the main characters to have died, especially in this volume, were POC while the white characters are in the exact same situation and survive. Will have to see if this carries on. 

Backwards & In Heels by Alicia Malone– this started off strong, and I found out so much about women in film and their presence in the industry since the creation of film in the 1800’s. However, by the end it got so repetitive and formulaic in the way information was presented that I started skimming. This is more of a coffee-table, occasional-read book when you fancy learning more about amazing women! Also, even though there is diverse rep and talk of lack of hiring of WOC and LGBT+ women in the industry, we also get the author praising white women earlier on in the book who took on roles where they did blackface and yellowface, which really dulled down the conversation in the latter half of the book. 

My Love Story!! Volume 6 by Kazune Kawahara– so GOOD. I got so emotional reading this volume, I ended up crying. This is by far one of my favourite manga series, I can’t recommend it enough. It follows tough-but-soft boy Takeo as he enters into a relationship with Yamato, cutest girl in the universe, with the support of his best friend Suna. Truly the PEAK of romantic comedy fiction. 

When the Sky Fell on Splendor by Emily Henry– emotional, hardhitting read about a group of friends who end up with superpowers after discovering a strange alien object. It’s very reminiscent of the film Super 8 in my head, and if you love stories about not only aliens but found families through friendship, highly recommend!

The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle– I just don’t think Sherlock Holmes is for me. I love the retellings and adaptations, and in theory, I’m invested in the murder mysteries, but I just think Doyle’s prose weighs it down and there’s always that underlying racism I don’t think is appropriate to even attempt to shake. 

And my May TBR Jar pick is…. MY HEART GOES BANG by Keris Stainton!

TV SHOWS/MOVIES/VIDEOS

At the start of the month, I started bingeing Dead Meat videos, a channel entirely revolving around horror. My personal favourite series is the Saw kill count videos, and the movies that changed horror podcast episode James (the host) does with his girlfriend Chelsea (who is amazing)!

I finally watched season 2 of Stranger Things! I adore Steve, as always, and it was such a solid season (BOB). However I did have an issue with the needless rivalry that festered with Elle towards Max, season 3 better sort that and stop pitting girls against each other for no reason other than because of boys.

Zoe from Read by Zoe was on FIRE this month with some really great read-a-thon videos! I loved her 24 read-a-thon vlog especially, she read only books she enjoyed growing up and it all felt really nostalgic.

This is very much a personal one, but my favourite streamer returned to a podcast with the company he used to work for, and it was just…. so heartwarming to watch. I can’t believe he left four years ago! I’ve been watching this company since I was about fourteen, so it was so nice watching this, a long-awaited reunion.

Kat at paperbackdreams did an amaaaaazing video rant reviewing After by Anna Todd, and I loved it. In general Kat is a top tier booktuber for me, I highly recommend her videos as much as I can!

MUSIC I’VE ENJOYED

Pressure by The 1975

Old Town Road Remix by Lil Nas X, Billy Ray Cyrus

The Black and White and I Spend Too Much Time in My Room by The Band CAMINO

I Got 5 On It  (Tethered Mix From US) by Michael Abels, Luniz, Michael Marshall

Soldiers (From Stranger Things) by Kyle Dixon, Michael Stein

REVIEWS I POSTED

Three Romance Reviews: Kulti, The Hating Game and Sunstone

The Elementals Book Review

Meddling Kids Book Review

OTHER POSTS I’VE DONE 

Spring Cleaning Book Tag

Film Friday: Favourite Campus Films

Getting Through Exam and Essays: ADVICE

DISCUSSION: Reading at University, and how I do it!

Music Monday: OMG This Song Book Tag

Top Ten Tuesday: Rainy Day Reads

Top Ten Tuesday: First Ten Books I Ever Reviewed on Goodreads

  April Wrap Up & May TBR Jar Pick IT'S MAY Y'ALL. Even though I'll still be doing blog posts in May, it's not going to be as hectic, as I finally finished my second year of university and have decided to take it easy after a very packed April.

[jq37]

Ok, a few Unsleeping City asks: 1-Thoughts on new ep? 2-CAMBRIDGE SANTALYTICA 3-The gang tries to meet up for drinks

**spoilers for mutant santa melee**

(I’ll respond to the other two parts of the ask in another post!)

We are back with our first battle episode of the season and our first chance to see the NY Crew really show their skills.

Ricky trying to keep Sophie's reckless ass safe because he has big golden retriever energy is great.

I can't decide if everyone taking this first fight more seriously than the first fight in FH is because they remember how badly they got womped last time and didn't want a repeat or because they were just playing older, more experienced characters.

I hate everything about these mutant Santas and I want it on the record. I mean, they're great from a game design perspective but I hate them.

"Mr. March, I'm gonna save you!"/"My name is Rick, by the way."

I thought it was funny that Ricky and Sophie both happened to hit the exact wrong type of Santa for their skillset for their first attack, back to back.  

Fig's Bardic Inspiration move was to do flirty winks at everyone. Misty's is to give big, theatrical compliments. I love it.  

Ricky dropping gun safety warnings mid MUTANT SANTA FIGHT.

"Fucking come out of your stupid cocoon! I know you're not a butterfly!"

I love it when rolls are happening at the table and Lou is loudly like, "This is terrible. I hate this." He did it all through the family rescue rolls in FH too.

"It's fine. It's fucking new York. What do you expect?"/"The NY that I live in and the NY that you live in are very different my friend." That's the real NY experience.

Sophie going, "F the minions, I'm going for the obvious boss Monster, I'll take the attacks," is such a good character defining moment. Also, the action-y music abruptly cutting off as the door shut was hilarious.

So Pete is hearing mysterious whispers and Sophie is hearing mysterious whispers and I'm Concerned, especially since it's the two newbies and it's not necessarily significant but it could be so I'm just mentioning it and tabling it until I have more info to speculate.

Misty turning to Kingston and saying, "Just like old times!" makes me want to know every single detail of their history together before the new kids showed up.

"Santa's my friend and he's fucking dead."

I like the homebrew rule for Pete's wild magic surge which makes the odds of one increase every time it doesn't happen because it ups the chaos factor and makes it inevitable rather than just a possibility which I bet has the potential to create some real tension in a long, drawn out fight.

The way Brennan kept describing Pete's arm as peeling like a banana when he used his magic grossed me out so much so, if that was the goal, you did it. Thanks, I hate it.

The, "Guess I'll just die," meme but it's Pete going, "Guess I'll just use this evil magic."

"Darling I love to be naughty. It's my favorite thing!" (Misty's chaos potential increases with every line she says).

"SANTA GETYCHO ASS UP." (Flawless bedside manner)

I forgot how fragile lower level characters can be! I'm glad so many of the party members have at least some healing spells (I think everyone but Pete and Sophie) as opposed to FH when it was basically just Kristen I think.

"He just gives us a PS4 and that's it."

Sophie monkey bars up Giant Eldritch Horror Santa's exposed ribcage and upercut-kick him because stripping Emily of her magic doesn't strip her of her creativity or flair.

"Darling, with me every day is a show. My life is a show!"

Sophie, upon being complimented by Misty: Oh my God. My new friends are awesome.

The idea of a dirty rat man summoning a unicorn is hilarious to me.

Pete's first Wild Magic surge just restores his sorcery points, which is great as a player but, as a viewer, I really hope we get to see some bombastic nonsense soon. Also, Brennan had the wild magic surge, in story, be the result of Pete's magic reacting to Kingston's, which I thought was a cool way to justify game mechanics.

"You're the opposite of Santa!"

Smites are GOOD you guys.

Sophie catches Santa and and Ricky (who has just killed the boss Santa) takes a selfie with them. Bless. Also, Sophie refuses to put down Santa for the rest of the fight.

Misty has an umbrella with a KNIFE inside of it which I LOVE.

The fight ends a little anticlimactically because, once you bum rush the boss, all that's left to do is clean up the minions.

Misty mentioned having Shoes of Titania and I wanna know if that's an actual item with a mechanical effect and what its stats are if so.

Ally realizing they only some of the Santas explode on impact basically at the end of the fight was classic DnD.

Santa sending people into his bag was giving me big Naddpod vibes.

"What the fuck happened?" --Santa, 2019

I don't like the implication of the gestating tadpoles with the Santa hats. Like, is Santa's hat organic? Is it just a part of his body? No thank you.

Pete just lying to Santa's face for absolutely no reason. Incredible.

Santa and Misty talking shop, just because, was such a fun 30 seconds of RP. I love RP that exists just to exist (and, sidenote, I also love when it comes back around and becomes relevant like in Naddpod (14 seconds of absolute silence...chicken)).  

"Santa, don't give this boy an egg."

"A very fancy egg for a very not fancy boy. But a good boy nonetheless."

Ricky on Santa: It would be crazy if you weren't real because you're such a good person. (Zac struggling to get through that was his second best moment of the ep).

Pete gives Santa a bag of coke and tries to dip when she sees cops because, magic or not, that's Who He Is As A Person.

Santa: Pete, your soul is in jeopardy. (lol, Santa knew his name on sight which, of course he did. It's Santa. Duh.)

CENTAUR HORSE COP. I love that as much as I hate the mutant Santas.

Ricky, horrified: Am I on the bad list?/Santa, who is still processing that Ricky never stopped believing in Santa:Ricky, no. (That was my fave Ricky line of the ep, in case you were wondering)

So, in this world, Christian (Catholic specifically) figures explicitly exist, which is good to know. Also, in last episode and this one, the grey faced child mentioned Lazarus which I thought was just a stylistic name choice but that's a name w/ specific Biblical connotations (that's the dude Jesus brought back from the dead for those not up on your New Testament) and it still might be irrelevant, but it's one more thing for me to tack up on my conspiracy board.  

"Santa, are you Cambrdige Analytica?"

Anyway, Heaven and Hell use the naughty and nice list to figure out who goes where so they're not being redundant which is wild because that means Santa essentially gets to decide morality for the rest of the world and, as of now, Pete is super going to hell based on the look Santa gave him when they were talking about who's on the naughty list.

Santa's list has been stolen which is, como se dice, Bad. The specifics aren't clear, but it's super not good. Also, Santa lets the group know that they might wanna figure out what's going on with Pete before he chucks deuces and goes home. So it seems like we'll be seeing him again.

I wonder what the timeline for this season is gonna be. Like, Christmas seems like an obvious time for a big, climactic setpiece, but it'll have to be a really compressed timeline if that's what they're aiming for. Compressed compared to Fantasy High at least.

Sophie, illegally cracking a Mike's Hard in Central Park in front of a cop: Um, we're magic. (She gets a ticket immediately)

That's it for this week! Next week the mob (the pixie mob maybe?) and Siobahn has awesome hair!

[jq37]

okay so I meant to send this on anon and I think I might have accidentally done so off but then I tried to cancel it and idk if it worked?? anyways! the point is, I’m the anon who doesn’t have dropout rn so! what’s the tea on the new ep? what did I miss? :)

**spoilers for arcade ambush**

Now, I know I use the word wild a lot, but don’t let that take away from the fact that this episode was truly wild.

Biz had such an interesting power set. He has the wings so he can fly, he has all the weird mesmerization type powers (I was picturing that old bager, badger, badger, mushroom video when he was multiplying himself to trip up Fig). Fighting him is like being stuck in Toon Town but in the worst possible way. Then there were the game cabinets sucking people into them and the ghosts possessing people and forcing them to flee. It was really a brutal fight.

(Sidenote, are we to believe that the ghosts that he raised were nerds who died in arcade? Morbid, if true. Also it would have to be a different arcade since that one was new.)

Anyway, this def was an ep full of frustration. They were constantly getting frightened and forced to run or trapped in games or whatever. It’s a good think Ally casted Guardian of Faith before the fight because they were, once again, a life saver. I was a little surprised the arcade game fights were one and done Box of Doom rolls but I guess there was a lot going on.

“Well I’ll just shoot him.” Riz getting a nat 1 trying to shoot Biz point blank was so painful. 

Riz: Hey guys, Biz is a bad guy./Adaine: Yeah, no duh! 

Everyone making the most mediocre rolls to check out the prizes in the prize cabinet. And Brennan just getting more and more like, “Come on y’all.” I wanted someone to pick up the sneakers. I felt like they were gonna be some kind of stealth bonus item.

Gorgug got a nat 20 charisma! My boy!

Oh, side note, they updated Adaine’s mini with her boss new jacket which is super dope.

Fig and Kristen actively antagonizing the corn god who’s saving their ass.

“Fucking nerd.” Adaine, who has been pretty savage the past few episodes.

Fabian who has never been denied anything in his life looking at the million credit sword: I’d like it.

Trevon

Everyone being furious at Riz being stuck in the game but also impressed by the design of the set.

Gorgug calling his parents mid-fight! Which seems wild but actually is the SMARTEST THING ANY OF THESE LITERAL CHILDREN HAVE EVER DONE.

I feel like Brennan def read up on his philosophy quotes after the last fight because he was back in business this ep.

Cleric is an underrated class y’all. Ally is really rocking it.

What a bad time for Adaine to finally fail a panic attack roll. She’s had a really long run without them though.

I love that Lou always curses as Fabian by saying, “Christ,” completely ignoring that doesn’t make sense in this world, but like. That is what Fabian would say, you know?

Fabian getting stuck in DDR instead of Punch Out is personally offensive to him.

“Hell yeah I take a disengage”

Sidenote: Divination is a really cool ability.

Ugh, Riz. What a terrible time to fail an investigate check. HE GOT PALIMSESTED.

Aww at Lou giving Murph the, “Hang in there, buddy,” shoulder rub after that happened. 

Gorgug getting trapped in whack a gnome is MESSED UP. Also, the fact that whack a gnome is a game that exists in a world where gnomes also exist is SUPER MESSED UP.

Adaine: Fuck, I’m fucked! 

PROTECT YOUR WIZARD BETTER.

Fabian having to have a dance off in the middle of the fight.

The girls getting downloaded periodically throughout the fight was so freaking ominous. 

“I’m under the influence of two ghosts.”

Fabian and Adaine both terrified and running into each other and yelling like freaking Scooby Doo.

OK, while Fig was possessed, Brennan made her read a card that said “Wow. A lot of strong feelings to process here.” And I am told (but can’t confirm) that that’s a line that was said in ep 1? Maybe by the guidance counselor? And then it’s not resolved in this episode. So that seems important.

Emily upon hearing that Riz is stuck in the crystal: Piss in it.

“Do you have any clue about how to get out of here, I mean, clearly you don’t.”

What would Fabian do without that bike, man?

I love that Emily uses Kristen’s full name for no apparent reason half the time.

Kristen channeling the power of friendship to turn undead.

Gorgug is a bottomless pit of HP.

Ally: Is it good to get in the game?/Literally everyone else: NO.

“A tasty walk?”

The philosophers going, “Verily,” to Fig’s base playing and then her moonwalking away.

Siobhan immediately irl cringing at being called a lovely lady by Biz.

HELLISH REBUKE. HELL YEAH FIG. HELL YEAH EMILY.

Penny’s scene with Riz in the palimpsest was like legitimately touching. 

But again, Murph gets the nat 20 at the most story appropriate time! Just like last week.

OK, so the girls’ downloads are getting sent to the AV room in Aguefort. Not necessarily suspicious considering that Biz is involved, but interesting to note.

Gorgug pulling an Odysseus and cranking his tunes to ignore the games. 

Also his, “Sup nerd?” to Biz.

Kristen absolutely crushed this fight y’all. She basically got out without a scratch. 

Siobhan saying sick like Brennan is hilarious to me.

Gorgug being so mad at Biz’s pronunciation of meme.

“Hot topic nerds hate AV club nerds.”

Nothing bothers Emily more than not being able to take an action.

The gang actively mocking and taping Biz as he tries to mesmerize them.

Aww man Murph failing that roll before Penny was downloaded. Heartbreaking. 

Everyone visibly recoiling every time Biz talked.

Zac reminding Brennan about advantage and then him picking up every dice he owns. “LIE NEXT TIME DUDE!” He has a cool ass shock of white hair now though. Like, not good but kinda rad.

I feel like Ally has gotten really comfortable with the game mechanics as we’ve gone on. 

Kristen hugging Gorgug to protect him is such an adorable image. 

“I’m still full health because God exists!”

Shoutout to the SFX guys. They were especially on point this ep.

“Can I just use mage hand to plug the machine out?”

Kristen as Fig getting is her ass kicked by the doppelganger Figs: KISS ONE OF THEM.

The guardian that killed Biz throwing down his cig like a true French philosopher. 

FABIAN. 

Kristen was the MVP of the fight but Fabian was the MVP of the episode y’all. Like I said, all that promo yelling was either gonna be a TPK or the raddest thing ever and it was option 2! 

Shoutout to Siobahn for getting Lou that advantage roll because that saved his ass.

Lou just pretending to get up and leave because game over y’all.

Brennan starting to just narrate assuming failure. 

Zac being like, “Well at least try.”

Lou doing them 1 by 1 for the drama of it all, just like Fabian would want it.

Getting a ten first, exactly half of what he needed.

Then the absolute CHAOS that erupted from the table at the 20. By this point, I was pretty sure he was gonna get it because that shot from the trailer hadn’t happened yet and it was near the end of the episode but DAMN it was satisfying. Moments like this are what MAKE RPGs.

Being showered with gold coins sounds extremely painful but that’s beside the point here. 

Fabian coming back and lying that he was fighting ghosts outside and everyone totally buying and being like thanks for having our backs man.

I love how much Fig loves her two dad situation now. 

Emily and Ally evil mischievous smiling at each other when Emily requests to kill Biz.

Everyone Else: NO.

Brennan: He’s dead, bruh.

Ally like Grinch smiles when Brennan announces that Biz is dead.

“Would she be able to casually get him out of a palimpsest?”

“I still have these handcuffs.”/”Where’d you get those?”/”Uh, nevermind.”

Every time this group has to interrogate someone they escalate all the way immediately.

 But MAN Riz was doing some serious drug cartel interrogation on Biz, shooting off fingers and stuff!

Adaine REFUSING to feel bad about bullying Biz (she’s right and she should say it).

“If I were to have a morsel such as yourself stuck in a palimpsest–” IMMEDIATELY slapped by every party member. Bro, you GOTTA stop perving on Adaine IN FRONT OF HER.

Brennan full on RPing unconsious Biz.

“I’m not a bad guy.”/”YES YOU ARE!”

“Fucking Aelwen again!” Same, girl.

OK, so Biz has false memories of coming up with this idea, but what does that mean exactly? Was he manipulated Inception style or actually forced? Because I come up with bad ideas every day. Doesn’t mean I act on them.

“Blow your fuking nose!”

“You see his dick glows for a second.”

Nice of Adaine to ask for permission to do her brain jitsu, even though she didn’t have to and she had all the extenuating circumstances in the world to just break in.

Biz speaking to Penelope on the regular. Hmm.

Siobhan/Adane’s look when Biz says, “I’m cool too.”

So his memory was cut out the day before the Hudol party. Interesting. 

Adaine getting a clear threat on her family’s life: THEY CAN BURN MY FUCKING HOUSE DOWN I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

AND THEN IT ENDS THERE

So two things:

1) Siobhan keeps getting KILLER end lines.

2) I threw a lot of plot info at the bottom without analyzing it because I’m going to look at that and the promo in another post (prob tomorrow) so stay tuned!