#except maybe make it load a little bit faster

[isat-script-project]

pardon, expression image hovers haven't been working for the past few days, and return an "image not found" error. is this being looked into? would it have anything to do with hosting the images from the wiki? thank you.

we've actually been switching things around! Since there's no way we're clearing our 1GB neocities file size limit, we decided to switch to locally hosting images instead, as that's less taxing for both the wiki and for our dear viewers internet connections, and it's faster, or something.

Expression hovers have been working just fine since the change on my end, however. Have you tried clearing your browser cache? Maybe you still have the version of the site with the wiki links cached...?

Is there any specific page this is occuring on if clearing your cache doesn't work? The change also required a minor edit to the page layout, and something might've slipped the cracks in the, uh, 806 files changed.

[tired-biscuit]

istg what I wouldn't give to ride Kiba after having a horrible day

18+ MDNI, fem!reader // established relationship, domestic comfort.

wc: 1.9k

coming home to find him dressed in sweatpants and manspreading on the couch; looking warm and cozy and just so… boyfriend.

he greets you with a lazy grin and a little ‘hey, babe’ when he sees you locking the front door behind you, and after the day you’ve just had, he’s like a sight for sore eyes.

your bag lands with an audible thud on the floor; the shoes are quick to follow. keys get tossed to the side, as does the umbrella that you’d uselessly been carrying around the entire day for absolutely nothing since the weather app had decided to fuck you over. you’re tired, overstimulated in a sense, but completely sucked dry of any emotion at the same time.

the clothes you’re wearing feel overly tight on your body and the scarf that you had only just unwrapped from around your neck felt like it was choking you during the entire train ride home. it makes you want to gather them all up in a pile, pour gasoline over it and set it right on fire.

but now that you’re home, being greeted by your significant other — who looks so appealing after his shower, by the way — eases the discomfort a little bit. so you rush to get to him as fast as you can, shimmying out of your coat along the way, and dropping it in the middle of the hallway because you cannot even be bothered enough to hang it in its rightful place.

i mean, it’s not like it matters. one of you will pick it up later… probably.

and so, the soft pitter-patter of footsteps ensues.

despite watching you this entire time, kiba still lets out a little noise of startlement when you drop everything to collide with him and climb into his lap.

“aw… did my girl have a rough day?” he inquires playfully, smoothing down your hair when you finally stop squirming on top of him.

your arms wrap around his neck as you nod. “worst day ever, actually.”

“mm.” he gives you a moment while he considers the statement and how serious it is, offering you a chance to add more to it. but since you don’t, there’s a small pause before he asks, “wanna talk ‘bout it?”

“not really.” you blink, trying to ignore the weight that sits atop your eyelids. you’re just so tired and you feel so empty; work has been draining you like crazy. “maybe later.”

“okay,” is all he says, sensing that you don’t want him to push into the matter. “later, then.”

settled in, he strokes your back while he continues to watch the movie, listening and occasionally chuckling at the little sighs of displeasure that you keep letting out whenever he stops. his touch is loving and his palm is broad. it feels good whenever he drags it along the length of your spine that you’ve covered up with a thin white blouse. up and down — solace.

“i made dinner by the way,” he mumbles at some point. “it’s on the stove.”

“yeah?” this makes you perk up. food sounds nice; especially the promise of a warm meal that’s actually cooked instead of microwaved. “what did you make?”

“just some pasta. didn’t have time for somethin’ more fancy since i got off work later than usual, but i did make that sauce that you like.”

“ugh, thank you.” your gratitude shows in the way you rest your forehead against his shoulder and hug him tighter. “did you do the dishes too?”

briefly faltering, he says, “i loaded up the dishwasher… does that count?”

it draws a little laugh out of you. “lazy ass.”

“shush.”

you obey for once, deciding to stay quiet when he shushes you. long moments of comfortable silence pass once more; there’s nothing to fill the quiet except for the TV.

nuzzling into the crook of his neck so that you can hide your face from the world, you inhale that deep, almost spicy scent that is so unique to him and only him, before you press a gentle kiss right on top of his pulse point, disturbing its calm rhythm and urging it into something just a little bit faster.

for as long as you can remember, kiba has always been extremely responsive to you, even at the simplest of pecks aimed at his neck. but doing it one time isn’t nearly enough, so you tug on the collar of his t-shirt to get better access and kiss it again. and again.

by the fourth time, he feels the need to readjust in his seat and to wrap his hands around your hips.

“you trying to tell me something?” he mumbles, paying attention to how you drag your teeth over his sweet spot every so often now.

his eyes flutter shut at the sensation and squeeze when you part your lips wider and your teeth finally sink into the skin. the bite isn’t nearly as deep as the one he’d be able to give you, taking his sharp canines into consideration, but it does feel just as good nevertheless.

it makes his toes curl against the carpet and a deep exhale escape his mouth. his body tingles with growing warmth that starts in the pit of his stomach, slowly awakening and buzzing with what he guesses is lewd anticipation.

“no,” you reply, your voice slipping into something deeper; more sultry as you continue your ministrations. “just wanna kiss you a little bit… i missed you.”

the smile in his voice is as audible as ever as he says, “is that so?”

you suck on his neck extra hard in answer — it’s not strong enough to leave a hickey, but it does make his cock twitch in his underwear as blood rushes below his waist.

before he can say anything or act like a smartass, your fingers tangle into his hair. it’s thick and rich; the chestnut curls fill your hands as you slide them to the back of his head and tug at the roots.

a small grunt escapes him at that, planting a small kernel of pride within your chest which begins to bloom rather quickly. he leans back against the backrest of the couch, letting you touch him however you wish because he plans on doing the same.

his hands slip underneath your skirt, familiar and skillful. he bunches it up, causing wrinkles to appear in the fabric as he exposes your thighs, then your ass. he gropes the plush flesh then, squeezing and caressing; making the soft cotton of your panties stretch with the action.

the touching eventually makes you start to grind against him, and after spending so many years together, your bodies have learned to move as one during it. when he bucks his hips up, yours press down. when your back arches, his hand fills the empty space along the curve.

it’s as simple as breathing.

your feet are tucked underneath you and are propped on his knees, white thigh-high socks rubbing against his sweatpants. warm wetness pools between your legs as you rub your clothed pussy against the bulge that’s now become quite apparent despite the layers of clothes keeping you from each other. even your panties succeed in stimulating your clit.

you smile as you reach between you so that you can wrap your hand around the ridge of his cock and begin to stroke it the exact way he likes it.

meanwhile, kiba huffs and busies himself with kissing the small patch of uncovered skin near your collarbone. if you’re not careful, he might just end up ripping your pretty blouse so that his mouth and hands can reach your tits — lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time. he’s never been patient enough to work with so many dainty buttons, especially when he’s horny out of his fucking mind.

it’s the reason why you push him back against the backrest with the help of your fingers digging into his chest. why you kiss him gently when he looks at you with big, lovesick pupils and a prominent blush tinting his cheeks.

gosh, you want to marry this man.

“what’s wrong?” his exhale is laboured as he rasps the words, signature drawl instantly coming forward. his voice is so deep and riddled with want that it makes your pussy clench around nothing. you can’t wait to have him inside you.

“nothing’s wrong,” you reply, fingers working to unbutton your blouse. “i just wanna get this off real quick.”

“lemme help,” he says as he reaches for you, but you’re quick to slap his hand away.

“no, you’ll ruin it just like you ruined the last one.” another kiss is given, this time an apologetic one that’s aimed at his forehead. “just sit there and look pretty while i handle this, okay?”

surprisingly, he does. granted, he’s terribly impatient as he waits; you can feel his knee bouncing underneath you and his piercing stare burning holes into your face, but by the time the blouse and the bra are both tossed to the side, he’s been obedient enough to earn himself a reward.

“wanna sit on it now, ki,” you mumble, the corners of your lips twitching upwards again as you watch him suck your nipple into his mouth the second it’s exposed.

his nose smushes against the fat of your breast while his hand gropes the other, thumb swiping over the bud, making you even more sensitive than you already are since your period is about to pay you a visit soon. and as if that wasn’t enough already, whenever you feel the tips of his sharp fangs graze your skin, it sends exciting adrenaline coursing your veins.

“c’mon,” you insist, “you’ll get to do that later.”

he kisses your nipple softly when you push him back again, and blows on the saliva he’s left there so that he can watch you shiver.

it’s why he’s practically musing as he says, “okay, sweetheart.”

you work together so that he can pull his sweatpants low enough for his cock to become free. after a couple of more kisses and strokes, you use your own saliva instead of getting up to venture off for lube, and guide him inside you with the help of your hand, while his keeps your panties tucked to the side.

connected at long last, you both let out faint sounds of pleasure. it’s nice; warm and wet. it makes you want to kiss each other silly from how in love you are.

“you wanna take over or should i?” he asks, chocolate brown eyes glued to where your clit kisses his dark pubic hair now. besides dripping with your own arousal, you’ve also used so much spit that the hairs glisten with moisture. he thinks it’s hot as hell.

“mm, you do it,” you utter softly, sighing. “i’m too tired to even exist right now, much less ride you.”

“tsch… and then you have the nerve to call me the lazy one,” he teases with a click of his tongue against his teeth, but immediately wraps his arms around you so that he can bring you closer to his chest.

you let out a soft little whimper when he draws his hips back and ruts them into you slowly, making another wave of pleasure wash over your body, replacing the badness that was gathering throughout the day.

kiba is a good boyfriend.

you can trust him to rail the negativity out of you.

[sappymix1]

I don't wanna fucking talk about it

George’s hair smells like raspberries, and smoke. You want a cigarette. You don’t smoke, but you want a fucking cigarette. Want something you can press your teeth too that’s not a firm, cracked lip or the thin scrapped up skin on the inside of your own. Want something to wrap your lips around that isn’t – well. You’ve never even fucked. Not that that’s the same thing necessarily – is it? – but it’s a step. But you haven’t, really. That seems like it shouldn’t matter, when every hand that’s ever touched you you remember as his.

George smells like raspberries and smoke and you wonder if he even knows that you’re thinking about all the self destructive paths that you would let him drag you down. The damn DNF bluff – you make each other better. You can make each other a hell of a lot worse with one brush of your hand on his hip bone and one wide eyed gaze filled with heavy brown directed at you like a fucking loaded gun. You didn’t know if the finger on the trigger was yours or his. You didn’t know which one of you would pull it faster. George was always so careful with the way he moved. You were careful with the way you did, too, when it came to him. You wouldn’t point the gun at him, not that that made much of a difference in the end.

Maybe you were the problem. You could probably kiss him, right now. You had done it before. You had done it on this couch, the scratchy fabric rough against your knees and the space where your palms met your wrists. Kissing George wasn’t anything new; it was just the thing you did when you were lonely – that’s mean – or bored – that’s mean and untrue – and you felt a little bit brave. You weren’t brave. You really weren’t. If you were, you would have told him that you liked the smell of his raspberry shampoo and you would have told him that everyone else is just him too. You would have told him that you weren’t fucking friends and you wouldn’t have layered it under a million other things. 

Maybe you were the problem because you kissed him all the time, except you couldn’t right now because all that you could think about was the way that the glow of the fire that Sapnap had labored over had made his eyes and his hair burn orange. You could love him. You do, but you could too. Maybe you were the problem because you had had the conversation before and you knew that it was your responsibility, because you knew him. You knew what he was like.

Maybe that was where George was the problem. The inability to bring it up, the way that he wouldn’t push without you leading the way. When his fingers found your skin, found the rough skin of your cheeks while you searched the smooth skin of the back of his neck, you thought about marriage. You’d talked about marriage. You wished that you could be there already. Then and now, you wish that you could be there already. Just skip this, skip having to commit to anything, and just be in the happy ending. Your imaginary fingers on his neck brush a thin strip of very real metal. You’d waited so long. Maybe you had both just gotten used to it, and that was why you couldn’t jump.

Maybe George was the problem, but how could you ask him to change? How could you ask him to change when he was sprawled out on the couch and he was the most beautiful person that you had ever seen and his hair smelled like raspberries and smoke and you could feel your hands shaking. 

You should do it now. Just tell him what you want, because you know he wants it too. It’s been a good day. You’re happy, and you can tell by the tilt of his neck that he is too. You know him like you know a keyboard, the layout of the apps on your phone. Your fingers find the spots that make him happy and it’s so expected that you don’t have to talk about it. You need to talk about it. He needs to bring it up. You need to talk about it.

Your hands are shaking and you need a cigarette, and when George looks up at you, you know they should shake worse, but they don’t. You feel empty. You feel so full that there’s no space for anything else. You should talk about it. When George looks at you, your hand finds his, and he smiles like that’s what’s supposed to happen next. 

“I’m too sleepy to walk all the way to my room,” he says, and he blinks in a way that makes you think for a second that he knows what he’s doing, that he does this on purpose, but then he blinks again and you’re less sure. You read him like you have a direct link to his brain, but sometimes you think he doesn’t know what he’s thinking either, or he’s trying hard enough to convince himself that he doesn’t that, for you, it’s functionally the same thing. You should tell him. “Bring me with you.”

He’s your best friend. He’s supposed to be your best friend. You sleep better to the sound of his stilted breath and the way that he talks in his sleep and the feeling of his legs knocking against yours. You should nudge him awake and shuffle him to his room, tell him to sleep well because he’s your best fucking friend. You should kiss him until neither of you can breathe and you die the way that you were always supposed to. 

He’s your best friend. You’re the problem, you think, and maybe he is too. His feet are freezing against your legs and the heaviness in your chest makes it so that you don’t fall asleep until long after his breathing across from you has evened out. You can still smell the smoke from the fire, and the sweet scent of his raspberry shampoo.

[snowiwyvern]

hey chat. its me. trigun splatposting again. this post is more about the weapons hehehehehe :3 (and a bit about inkfish religion)

time to smash together the ridiculous weapons from trigun and the also ridiculous but in a different way splatoon weapons

ok so. splatoon weapons usually take inspo from everyday objects, for ex. the splatana wiper being inspired by windshield wipers. trigun weapons have a completely different aesthetic and could plausibly be actual guns. also the weapons handles and triggers would have to be chunkier, because of big inkfish hands. if this aesthetic difference is kept intact, it can lead to a contrast between weapons in inkadia and the weapons in no mans land. the weapons in trigun also actually have bullets, unlike splatoon weapons that spray ink. bullets are a pretty big part of trigun, like being used to pose with, the fact that theyre limited being apart of the story at points, and vashs revolver being so iconic. so instead of just ink, they have ink bullets instead! woo! theyd just look like the typical fictional bullets with a liquid in them, like the ink showing through a little clear window on the bullet lol. oh yeah. and they like burst into ink on impact too btw

as a lore explanation, ink bullets developed because weapons that spray ink everywhere were deemed as being inefficient in no mans land. sand absorbs water, and would do similarly to ink. it would just stain the sand, then the winds would hide that color pretty quickly (random thought, because of that, some inhabitants use colored sand for decor). so its just a bit of a waste, and cant be used to hold territory and travel faster like in game. this would also make it so the weapon types that tend to spray ink everywhere or dont use bullets arent common in no mans land, like rollers, sloshers, splatanas and stringers

so time to talk about the two easiest weapons to convert into splatoon logic. millys stun gun and meryls derringers. im not turning them into the closest equivalent splatoon has, more just applying splatoon rules to them. however i am adding sub weapons that i think would fit them :3 they might get changed a little to fit more into no mans land and what the characters need them to do

millys stun gun firmly falls into being splatling, however it has a much slower rate of fire than most splatlings. her bullets are unique to be more like the ones in canon and dont really carry that much ink in them, just enough to catch the person she shot at off guard. taking inspo from when milly was given the tracker, her sub weapon is point sensor

next meryl, whos derringers are a bit harder to place. while they could work as shooters, i think them being dualies fits better. them being dualies also makes it so she can dodge and zoom around. she gets two dodge rolls, and with each of them having a single shot, her dodge rolls are mostly used to switch to new loaded derringers. her sub weapon is toxic mist; my logic for this is that milly and meryl would use them to get out of sticky situations

and now, its vash's turn! his gun is definitely a shooter, however, its also a revolver. with the revolver part of the gun, it makes me think of the snipewriter. i dont think it impacts the gun at all except for maybe having a similar reticle a snipewriter would have, just a random thought. for his sub weapon nothing jumps out to me immediately, but it is definitely not one thats main purpose is causing harm. im thinking of a splash wall, which he can use to break up fights and block shots.

next. the angel arm. in splatoon, it would be considered a special weapon, and one that he would immediately have on hand instead of being found through a can or packet like during campaigns and salmon run. now, since these two are zapfish instead of plants, they dont get the angel arm being themed after angels. while im hesitant to change the name, the angel arm would be more themed after catfish, have fins instead of angel wings, maybe catfish framing it. it would also have more mechanical bits, due to not being an organic weapon like the canon angel arm. the zapfish cant generate things and instead power generating machines with electricity, if yall dont remember me saying that in my last post. yk now that im thinking about, it would be kind of funny to call it the fish arm, or maybe the zap arm. fish arm is funny, but zap arm is cooler

and, finally, wolfwood. ive been putting him off till the end, because of a reason i think is a bit obvious. his character, and by extension the punisher, is influenced a lot by catholicism. according to this post, there is some christian influence in splatoon, but it appears to come more from inkfish finding it neat if anything. the book of madai, which very obviously takes inspo from christianity and is based on the bible, is just much more popular in no mans land than in other parts of the world. since the book of madai isnt a major part of splatoon, it doesnt have that much in depth lore with it as it was just used for prophecising big run occurring. that means that i can go wild with it, and keep the catholic influence from trigun intact. squid catholicism real lets go

okay, now onto wolfwood fr. punisher would also be a splatling like millys stun gun, however it would have a rapid fire rate. his sub weapon is a bit more complicated. the laser on the other side is similar to a sting ray, but it doesnt quite meet the same criteria to be its own unique special like vashs angel arm. so, im going to say that he doesnt have a sub weapon, and it was sacrificed for him to have a not quite up to special standard sting ray integrated into the punisher. the sting ray also has to be charged like in turf war instead of being a canned special, so he tends to use it sparingly so its charged when needed

anyways. im eepy, and thinking hard about trigun inkfish ig

[whump-in-the-closet]

First off, I absolutely love your writing! It truly is incredible. If you like the idea, would you be willing to write about a hero who is deathly terrified of fire and extreme heat? They have kept it a secret all their life, but the villain just found out about it and uses it against them. And the villain taunts them throughout the extreme mental and physical torture? Thanks!

more than willing! hope you like it and thanks so much!

cw: sadistic whumper, hero whumpee, burning, exploiting a phobia (maybe, idk?)

Click. A spurt of yellow flame shot up against the shadows as Villain lit their cigarette. They watched intently as Hero flinched back as far as they could in their restraints.

Villain exhaled a puff of smoke, leaning forward to breath it in Hero’s face.

And there it was again. The veiled panic, flashing across Hero’s eyes. As bright as any flame.

Villain toyed with the lighter. Clicking it on and off. On and off. They circled Hero, watching the city’s savior tense.

They stood behind Hero, still messing with the lighter. Leaning close, they held the lighter in Hero’s face.

Hero inhaled sharply, jerking back. Something like a curse, more of a strangled cry, forced it’s way out of his mouth.

“Hero, you aren’t scared of a tiny lighter now are you?”

“—No,” The lie was spat out too quickly to be believed. “No, no— God—”

Villain had shoved the lighter closer. “Methinks you doth protest too much.” They grabbed a handful of Hero’s hair, forcing Hero to look up.

Dilated eyes locked on the tiny flame.

Sharp, painful breathing.

Villain smiled. “To think the city’s mighty hero is scared of a wee bit of fire.” They held the flame dangerously close to Hero’s hair. A little closer.

“I’m not—”

“Oh, you’re terrified. Don’t deny it.”

Closer still. Dark hair burst alight, burning faster than straw.

Hero yanked against Villain’s hand— that was singed hair he could smell— burning, burning, burning red and gold.

Villain put the flames out by slapping Hero’s head.

Hero collapsed against the wooden table, pressing his face to the cool surface like it was his own personal coffin. Vaguely, he was aware of Villain running their hand through the singed patch of hair. “Don’t cry, my friend. You and I are you going to have loads of fun with this.”

***

Hero could handle anything. Had handled everything. Could take the punches, the pliers, the water boarding.

He could handle it all.

Except fire.

Never that. Never the curling scarlet that set alight every nerve in his body with throbbing red.

***

Open flame spiraled into the low ceiling of the cell.

Vivid blue and brighter red. The colors sank into the walls, the floor. They bled out into the ceiling. Heart-pulsing, throbbing red.

Bruising blue, the color left behind by a fist.

Hero stumbled, knees giving out on him. The world spun and fractured and burst into flame.

Villain hauled him to his feet. “You are so beyond pathetic. It’s just fire.”

Just fire.

“And sure you’re going to stick your arm in it, but, hey maybe after we can make s’mores.”

Hero’s stomach dropped. The words had been like a white-hot knife. “What?”

“Did you say you were left handed or right handed?”

Hero held both arms to his chest. “Please, please, please—”

“Begging? Huh that’s a new low.” Villain’s voice twisted into one of Control. Their abilities far outstripped Hero’s now, after weeks of captivity. “Put your right arm in the fire.”

Crimson-bleeding pain. Hero sobbed even as his arm was dragged forward.

—twisting, murderous pain started at his fingers and crawled upwards— a tattoo of never ending pain—

And Villain? Villain laughed.

Hero’s sobs turned to screams.

“Hey, Hero, Hero,” Villain snapped their fingers to get Hero’s attention. “Smile for the camera.” Click. “I think I’m gonna caption this as ‘Too Hot for You’.”

Again, that laugh.

[greatwyrmgold]

Apparently I'm playing a little Factorio every day and sharing it on Tumblr afterwards.

New production this session is pretty much nil. Two chemical plants making lubricant (twice as many as I need, but I wanted to clear the inventory spot), two new assemblers making engines, and another assembler turning those and some batteries into electric engines.

(The red is turret ranges. This is right at the northern end of my base—if I didn't have turrets here, the bugs would eat my belts and drink my lube.)

I couldn't really do more than that, because my iron was fast dwindling. By the time I started setting up the new iron outpost, my starter iron patch had dwindled to maybe half its original size; it was literally gone by the time I set up the unloading station. By the end, my base wasn't even producing basic stuff like inserters or ammunition.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Plans! First, I cleared out some biter bases to the south, since they were sitting on this area:

(The red is pollution. Except the circle, those are turret ranges.)

I'm trying to plan ahead and build something that can last me at least until the rocket launch. This area has four iron ore patches totaling close to 30 million ore, which should last me a while. If I put a smelting array and train stop here, it could continue being useful until I've used up all of that iron, which would take a while.

Another thing which takes a while is moving back and forth between this iron and the base. Let's look at a bigger map.

(Obviously, this screenshot was taken after everything was done.)

I had to keep going back and forth because I kept running out of basic building supplies, due to a combination of forgetting things, underestimating how much stuff I'd need, and the dwindling production of my starter base.

As you can see, I decided not to mess with the coal for a wide variety of reasons. It's actually pretty far from most of the iron, it's really close to more biters, I wanted to use my shiny new electric furnaces, etc. Speaking of shiny new toys, personal construction bots were pretty handy.

After a lot of running around and fixing/reinforcing turrets when Problems started to break stuff and so on, I got the outpost set up.

(This is a composite of two different images, taken at very slightly different times. If I had realized the sun was rising I would have taken them slightly later.)

This is a huge iron mine; it'll take a while before I need anywhere near this much iron. Still, figured I'd build it all now while I was there.

I left some room to expand smelting in the future if necessary, and build a simple train station.

Not much to say here. Once production picks up I'll probably want to load from both sides, but loading time isn't really a constraint right now. Also, I threw some laser turrets around, in case all that iron mining and smelting attracted some Problems.

Let's look at the unloading station.

As you can see, I had the train pull up to basically where the old iron miners and furnaces used to be. You can also see that the train left, leaving behind enough iron to keep production going for quite a while! By the time we work through twelve thousand iron plates, the train will probably be back with a second load.

So that's the big problem solved. But here you can see a smaller problem: Stone ran out. It was running out slightly faster than iron, though the last few squares of resources lasted a little longer than iron's.

In any case, if we want to keep making stone bricks and rails and landfill that I don't really need but also will probably need a lot when I do need it, I'll need to get a new source of stone. I actually started setting up a stone outpost this session...then I realized that I was actually about to run out of iron, and that's a bit more important.

Aside from that, I should probably clear out some more biters, especially to the northeast.

To defend most of my base, I just stuck a few turrets around, just close enough to support each other. In areas that keep getting attacked, I stick them slightly closer together. But in the northeast corner?

Biters keep attacking this spot, and they keep focusing fire on whatever turret is farthest northeast. If I don't want to keep replacing turrets (and I don't), I needed to beef up my defenses.

But the best defense is a good offense; clearing out biter nests means that more pollution gets absorbed by the terrain and less gets turned into new Problems.

Speaking of those Problems:

For some reason, most of the bases within pollution range have lots of spitter spawners and not many biter spawners. It's pretty common for attack groups to look like this—hordes of small spitters, with a couple medium biters mixed in.

Anyways, that's about all i have to talk about.

[deniciadev93]

Chapter Three

Denicia barely slept. All she could think about was her night with Chris! The laughter, the conversations, the close moments. She found such peace in Chris’s presence. He is nothing like the media makes him out to be. He is kind, sweet and funny. Just an all around great guy! 

The sun crept through her blinds. She really wasn’t ready to get up but she had Church to watch and laundry to do. 

She sighed and laid on her back for a minute. Staring at the ceiling. She wasn’t the type to get caught up in moments. She had learned the hard way that feelings were risky, that getting too comfortable with someone only led to disappointment.

But Chris…..

He was  different. Or at least, he felt different. That is what scares her. 

Peeling the blankets away from her, she sat up and sat at the sde of her bed. SHe grabbed her phone. I wonder if he texted me? Maybe I should text him first.

Before she could decide, her screen lit up with a message. 

Chris:Good Morning. You up?

A smile spread across her lips 

Neeci: Yeah..i’m up.

And just like that , the day- and whatever was about to come next- began

Denicia stretched once more before finally getting out of bed. She stumbles towards the bathroom, where she uses it, washes her face, brushes her teeth, and showers. 

She puts on a sweat shirt and some jeans. Sunday mornings are always the same, hot coffee, church online, and then tackling the loads of laundry she let accumulate throughout the week. It was her way of resetting before the chaos of a new week. 

As she settled onto the couch with her coffee in hand, the livestream of her favorite pastor had just started when her phone vibrated beside her.

Chris: What you doin

A smirk played on her lips as she typed back.

Denicia: Watching church, then laundry. My usual Sunday routine.

A few seconds later, another buzz.

Chris: Church and laundry? That’s how you spend your Sundays!”

I wonder if he says things that he knows will piss me off, because this is the second time he’s done that? She thinks to herself.

Denicia: Yep..it’s called a routine

This time his reply came even faster.

Chris: Bet. I’m pulling up.

Her fingers wanted to type but just sat there. Pulling up. She thinks to herself. Again? What is going on?  Before She could even type another word. another text came through.

Chris: You believe in hospitality, right? 

Save me a seat.

Denicia  shook her head, surprise and amazement was all she could feel at the moment. Chris Brown was inviting himself over- to watch Church and fold laundry?

She glanced around her space as if seeing it through fresh eyes. Her place was spotless- except for the laundry baskets she hadn't touched yet.

She’s glad that Veronica slept over at her man’s house last night, because she would feel a little awkward with her there. Veronica is one of those people who is still condemning Chris for the mistakes he has made in the past. Thinking that someone can’t rectify their ways. He wasn't the only one at fault, which Denicia keeps trying to instill into Veronica’s brain, but it’s not working. 

She took another sip of her coffee, she couldn't shake the feeling of excitement running through her. 

Chris was coming over, Again!

Sundays are supposed to be her days for resetting….not to entertain. 

And somehow, she didn't mind one bit. 

By the time Chris arrived, Denicia had lit a candle, and cleared a spot for him on the couch. SHe heard the knock and her pulse quickened- why was she nervous? They had already shared wine, laughs , deep conversation….

But something about him being there , in her space, on a Sunday of all days,felt different.

She opened the door.”You really came.”

He smirked. “You really thought I wouldnt?’

She stepped aside letting him in. “Well, I didn't have ‘Chris Brown and praise and worship’ on my bingo card this week.”

He giggled, brushing past her. “You’d be surprised what I keep on mine.”

‘Would you like something to drink? Eat?” She asks while he settles himself on the couch. 

“No, I’m good.” He tells her,giving her that look once again. The look that she melts from each time. 

They settled in, side by side on the couch, the pastor’s voice filling the room as sunlight spilled through the blinds. To her surprise, Chris was engaged-nodding along,murmuring quiet “mmhmms,” Like he’d been raised on the same kind of word.

Halfway through the message, Denicia stole a glance at him. He looked….peaceful. At home.

She wasn't sure how long the moment would last, but for now, it felt good.

Too good.

Because nothing this peaceful, ever stayed that way. 

The sound of keys jingling at the door made Denicia look in that direction. 

Veronica…

The door opened, and in she walked-box braids, sunglasses, iced coffee in hand and energy loud before she even said a word.

And then she saw him.

Her steps stopped cold. “You have got to be kidding me.”

Chris looked over his shoulder, brow raised,”Hi to you too.”

Denicia looked at her best friend, but at that moment she didn't like her very much. Veronica always made a big deal out of nothing. She always wants to be the loudest one in the room. 

“Roni ,really?” Denicia questions

Veronica took her sunglasses off slow,her eyes locked on Chris like he was a roach she had just spotted in her clean kitchen.”Why is he in our house?”

Chris leaned back, unbothered,”Damn, you act like I broke in.”

Veronica looked at Denicia, ignoring him, “Seriously?”

“What Roni! He came by to watch Church with me. It’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, it's absolutely a big deal! You dont let people come poppin up unannounced.”

Chris scoffed.”Wow”

Veronica turns to him,”You got something to say?”

He gave her a smooth smile,”Not really, I just think you should take a breath before you bust a vessel. You don't know me.”

She crossed her arms,’Exactly. And I’d like to keep it that way.”

Denicia chimes in, before it gets too escalated.”He didn't come unannounced. He let me know he was coming.”

Veronica narrowed her eyes on her best friend,”We need to talk Alone.”

Denicia could already feel where this was going.”What Veronica? What do you want to say?”

Chris stood up slowly,catching the shift in Denicias energy,’I can step out if yall need a minute.”

Veronica didn't wait for Denicia to answer,”That would be great.”

“Damn Roni!!!!” Denicia snaps at her.

Chris held up his hands, “It’s cool. I’ll just grab some air.” He looked at Denicia and gave her a look that said, You Good?

She nodded, but it was half-hearted.

As soon as the front door clicked behind him, Veronica turned to her, arms folded tight across her chest, like she was holding herself back.

“ Wanna tell me what the hell is going on?”

Denicia sighed, “First of all, I am a grown-ass woman. I don’t need to tell you my entire daily itinerary. Secondly,nothing is going on. We hung out yesterday. It was cool. We talked. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” Veronica scoffed. “D,he’s not just some regular dude.That’s Chris Brown.You don’t even like letting people know where you live, and now you got him over here like it’s Sunday brunch?”

“Oh , now you’re being really ridiculous, Roni. What the fuck is your problem?” Denicia can feel her temper begin to rise.”Its not like that Roni, and you know it.”

“Then what is it?” Veronica asked,her tone softer now- but still guarded.

“Because I know you. And I see the way you look when he’s around. You’re catching feelings. Fast.”

Denicia thinks to herself (Who the fuck wouldn’t!) 

“I just… I like talking to him,” she said. “He listens,He gets it. And he doesn't look at me like I’m some project to fix or a checklist to complete.”

Veronica finally takes a seat by her bestie.”I’m not trying to be the bad guy here, D. But you know how he is. You know he doesnt stay with a female for long, and he doesn't know how to be faithful. D, You’ve been through too much to fall for someone who lives under a spotlight that never dims. “

“You’re just holding on to what he did in the past! You’re acting like people can’t change! He’s not what he used to be Roni.”

“And maybe you’re not as guarded as you think.”

There was silence in the room now.

Veronica sighed,”I just don't want to see you get hurt again, that’s all.”

Denicia nodded slowly, “I know.”

A few moments passed before Chris knocked gently on the door and peeked in.”We good?”

Denicia looked at Veronica, who didn’t say a word- but the tightset of her jaw said enough.

Denicia stood up,”Yeah. we good.”

Chris stepped back inside, his eyes flicking from one woman to the other. “ I didn't mean to stir up anything. I was just trying to vibe. My bad.” 

Veronica grabbed her coffee,slung her purse over her shoulder,and walked past him without another word, climbing the stairs to her bedroom. 

The door shut hard behind her.

Chris raised an eyebrow, “ That your bodyguard or something?”

Denicia laughed- exhausted but genuine. 

“Nah. That’s just my best friend…who thinks I should be dating a dentist.”

Fuck!!!! Dating!!! Hy would she let that escape her lips! They are nowhere near dating, and now he probably is going to think she’s just like the rest….

Chris smirked. “You scared to let her be wrong?”

Denicia met his eyes, a slow smile forming.” I might be ready to find out.” 

[ridgemoor-blog]

Why we wait

A guest blog by Sukhi ...

Created with Bing Image Creator, 10th December 2024

So much waiting!

Maybe it's been an unlucky month, but I'm noticing more and more how much I simply have to wait around for other people to do things.

It's not like this in 'Space Ace'. I guess that's one of the reasons why I like gaming - no waiting around for other people.

We British are stereotyped for our love of queueing (the 'national sport') but if that were ever true, those days are certainly long-gone. Now, I think most of us thoroughly dislike waiting—especially for something simple. I know Vanessa feels the same way, although she's a bit more patient than I am.

So why are we seeing more of this all the time? It's pretty ironic, in this digital age, when so many things seem to move so much faster.

Well, we've got increasing strain on public services like healthcare. So that's a factor. But there's something more insidious going on. Something that seems to apply equally well across healthcare, and higher education, ... in fact across all industries. We're all trying to do too many things at once. We're caught-up in the drive for efficiency.

Colin told me a couple of years ago that the main reason houses sell so slowly in the UK is because conveyancers (the lawyers handling moves) each run over 100 cases at the same time. That's mind-blowing if it's true. But even if the number is half that, I find it almost impossible to image how they stay focused. And with so much context-switching, it's hard to imagine how they would ever complete even one case. Certainly it would explain why so much chasing is needed on both sides of the sale.

We might expect that efficiency and speed come together, but I've been polling opinion in the Digital and CTO communities, and interestingly efficiency is often at odds with speed.

When we seek to maximise efficiency, blinkered to other objectives, we often home-in on spare cycles and fill them with extra work. But putting more load into a system tends to create more queues (see Little's Law). It can easily overload other parts of the system, but also makes the focus part less tolerant of any unplanned load.

In fact, graphing the implications of the law shows that wait times increase dramatically once any part of a system is busy more than 80% of the time. If we want speed in any unscheduled system, we need lower utilisation.

And if we're waiting for someone else to do something, but still measured on utilisation, how do we react? Instead of waiting patiently, we go off and do something else, meaning others are now more likely to be waiting for us! There's a compound effect here that's often overlooked.

Turns-out that the whole world is caught-up in this outmoded mindset.

On the bright side though, it's a great argument for digital transformation. If we can automate work, we can speed it up, and allow one human to self-serve at their own pace.

And it's a great argument for Agile too. At Ridgemoor we're always keen to 'unspecialise' our teams, creating fast-moving, multi-skilled squads so that (even with work we can't codify in advance) we can get stuff done without sitting in a succession of queues. Every time an unfamiliar task comes along, we just get on with it, instead of looking around for the cavalry to come.

So that's my message of hope. And another reason I'll be advocating for Agile everywhere I go! Looks like Carla is inspired to take-up the cause, and I'll be first in the queue to help her!

The views expressed in this article are Sukhi's alone, and don't necessarily reflect those of anyone in the real world ... except perhaps Jeremy's.

[sic-fayl]

Guild Member Next Door (kinda) translation - Part 14

Click here for the previous part - or click here for Part 1!

Disclaimer, as always: This is based on an MTL translation, I do not know Korean myself, I am trying more to stick with the impressions/vibes of a sentence instead of a strict word-for-word meaning - and most importantly, this is only for fun.

(Also small warning: This time I did way stronger "chat speak" (aka no apostrophes, shortened words, "u" instead of "you") for some new characters than I ever did in previous chapters! If that bothers you, send me a message about it and I'll reverse that!)

Now, onto the story!

As Yeo-woon scrolled through some walkthroughs for different levels of Dungeons, just casually waiting for the others to come back, a strange invite-notification appeared on his screen that he’d never seen before.

‘Strawberry (Lv.218) invited you to join their Guild [Strawberry Jam]! Do you want to accept?’

[Whispering] Strawberry: U afk?

“…who are you?”

A player named Strawberry had suddenly popped up beside him, with a fully customized character that showed off a lot of green skin. Some blue scales were scattered throughout, maybe in an effort to make the character look more snake-like. Outside of the Poseidon guild, Yeo-woon didn’t know any players and it seemed a bit weird to him that some random person above level 200 would just invite him into their guild, especially since it didn’t seem to be a new guild or one meant for beginning players. Yeo-woon accidentally brushed one of the arrow keys on his keyboard for a moment, making his character exit his idle state.

[Whispering] Strawberry: Oh so ur not afk.

[Whispering] Strawberry: U don’t have a guild above ur head n we got space.

[Whispering] neutaaaa: Just like that...?

[Whispering] Strawberry: Our guild’s level 10 so wanna join?

“…?”

Having a guild... Wouldn’t that be a nice thing? Yeo-woon really thought about it. It’d definitely be better than going without a guild, as he currently was. He’d never been approached like this before either, so he wasn’t sure what to do next.

[Whispering] Strawberry: If u join I’ll share some useful facts 2.

“Facts?”

Useful facts. Immediately, he accepted the invite.

Black fog surrounded him for a moment, covering up his character and then a message appeared that stated he’d successfully joined the guild.

‘I finally have a guild as well.’

Just looking at the little guild icon next to his name, which was a nice star-shape, left Yeo-woon feeling both proud and happy.

[Guild] Strawberry: Found s/one.

[Guild] OneAndOnly: Heyo~

[Guild] Motsuena: Hi there~ ^^

[Guild] neutaaaa: Hello

Multiple guild members greeted him upon joining. Considering this guild wasn’t famous and had open spots, it still had a surprisingly good guild effect that Yeo-woon would happily take advantage of. With this effect he’d be able to darm experience even faster than with his old ghost guild he used to be in and he was amazed by the fact that they even had some crops planted, in the guild’s dedicated farm area.

[Guild] Motsuena: So what’s your age anyway?

[Guild] Motsuena: And are you a lady? Or a guy?

‘But hey, you better be careful though. I heard there’s loads of scammers on the internet nowadays, so you don’t just share your info with them all willy-nilly.’

That’s what Yeo-woon suddenly recalled a friend of his saying, who never played any games himself. Seemed like he’d been right about what he’d told Yeo-woon.

[Guild] neutaaaa: That’s a secret?

[Guild] Motsuena: If it’s a secret, then you must be a lady~ haha

[Guild] neutaaaa: No?

[Guild] Motsuena: You mean yes~ haha

[Guild] Motsuena: If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask me ^^

[Guild] neutaaaa: I’m fine actually, there’s already some people helping me!

[Guild] Motsuena: Ohh~ haha

Crazy people existed in all kinds of places and this guild was no exception, thanks to that person.

‘Way too forward…’

Yeo-woon decided he’d just focus on other things for now.

[Whispering] Strawberry: Ppl helping u?

[Whispering] neutaaaa: About earlier... What’s those facts you were offering?

[Whispering] Strawberry: U curious? Lol

[Whispering] neutaaaa: ? You said you’d give me the facts.

Strawberry hopped on top of Yeo-woon and then shot at each of the Poseidon members from there, who were still stuck in their idle animations, afk as before. Since they weren’t in the guild zone, none of them took any damage.

[Whispering] Strawberry: U close to them? Lol

In response to that simple question, Yeo-woon’s mind started to race.

‘I’d say we’re close by now.’

‘…But what if that’s only me? They’re all just helping me because Earth made them, and Earth is only keeping me around because there’s something in it for himself. So, even if I feel close to them and laugh with them, can we really be considered all that close yet?’

[Whispering] Strawberry: So do u? Lol

[Whispering] neutaaaa: No, I mean...

[Whispering] neutaaaa: They’re just helping me sometimes.

[Whispering] Strawberry: Looool knew it!

[Whispering] Strawberry: Thought u kno nothing n thats y ur w/ that guild.

Judging by that message, there seemed to be some kind of history between Strawberry and Poseidon. And there was no way to mistake it for a positive history either.

[Whispering] neutaaaa: ?? Wdym?

[Whispering] Strawberry: U rlly dunno? Theyre all hackers.

[Whispering] neutaaaa: Oh. Really?

Every game had some hackers. But Yeo-woon still felt shaken because he would’ve never assumed Poseidon to be like that. To hack meant to use a hacking program in the game, so that its basic code could be changed and things could be made way easier for the player. When a skill had a very small radius, but suddenly did damage in a way bigger area and when it was hard to land a headshot because of a really far distance, but one player still landed headshot after headshot anyway... it was normal to ask ‘How is that even possible?’ and in most cases, it was thanks to hacks.

[Whispering] Strawberry: Just look up Poseidon on the community/bulletin board n ull find it lol.

The community board in question updated incredibly quickly and had a whole subsection for game bugs that was so frustrating to see, Yeo-woon had long ago decided to just stay away from it in general. He’d only ever accessed the walkthrough and guides community board, so now he was left to stare at his screen in silence. That’s when CroakRush started to move. The second Strawberry noticed that, they disappeared like they’d never been there at all.

[Party] CroakRush: Woah wait Newt when’d you join another guild?? Waa

“….”

‘Are these guys actually hackers? No way.’

[Party] CroakRush: Huh is no one back yet?

[Party] CroakRush: Ah I tried to be all quick and for what ㅜㅜ

[Whispering] Strawberry: Theres more than just the hacking. Look it up n ull see.

“….”

‘So it’s really true?’

Yeo-woon switched to his internet browser, immediately going to one of his bookmarked pages. It was the community board hosted on Illusion’s official webpage and from here, he wrote ‘Poseidon’ into the search bar.

Title: Hacking? (pictures inside)

Written by: (Anonymous)

There’s this level 170 Wolfist who just solo fought a monster in a level 200 area and still beat it pretty easy. I’ve been crunching the numbers and I’m not sure if that’s possible. For proof, I even took a pic of the hit lmao.

(Athene_server_hacking.jpg)

The equipment info was private, so idk, but I don’t think you can get that number even if you have all your equipment on max for that level. Tbf it’s not a constant thing, but they still hit numbers that high multiple times while I watched.

Isn’t it weird to get numbers like these that even a solo-target dps would struggle to get, when Wolfist is meant for multi-target damage? I asked some people who understand the numbers better and they all said it’s gotta be hacks, so I thought I’d ask here.

I even tried to look up everything and calculate it myself with the skill’s damage equation and I added all the boosts the ideal equipment for a Wolfist would grant them, based on what equipment options people recommend for Wolfists. My results were that a low-level Wolfist like this, when attacking this specific monster’s defense, can land critical hits that do around 500,000 damage as long as we ignore the monster’s resistences, the equipment’s optional sub-stats, them maybe taking some kind of huge boosting potion, or getting boosted by some other player’s skill, right?

But I mean, this wasn’t an attack against some low-level slime, it was a level 170 player hitting a level 200 monster and so I’m not sure if all that stuff even matters, because no one should be able to do a casual 4 million like this, right?

Or do slimes and level 200 monsters share the same defense these days lmao?

And that player is Poseidon, right? Feels like I keep having nightmares about those guys even while awake.

(4 comments)

-Poseidon being Poseidon lol.

-Is there a max damage in this game and will anyone ever reach it?

-What if it’s a weapon with a really high luck sub-stat though?

⤷If you keep raising that luck stat by crazy amounts, probably selling your soul to get the right equipment... Then yeah, could be realistic numbers, but then again, do you see how often those hits are high af? Even a solid luck stat only gives you occasional hits, so for this to be an actual thing, they’d need so much luck it hurts.

The character shown in the post was Kittycat MeowMeowMeow. It had been written yesterday, in the early morning, and it made it obvious that Kittycat MeowMeowMeow had been fighting his way through a level 200 area all by himself. There were many more posts like that one, at least one every week and each showcased another Poseidon member, saying they must be a hacker.

Title: Athene server Looking for a guild? [Poseidon] <<Avoid them

Written by: (Anonymous)

I wasted my time. I’m actually crying, fuck... And I’m not even the only one... If you gotta look for a new guild, don’t waste your time on this one, they’re not even worth the time you’ll waste on them haha...haa; If you wanna join a guild for the upcoming event, DO NOT go with Poseidon ^^

(Guildchat_censored_bastards_caught.jpg)

I just asked everyone politely if they used hacks and which ones and two people who’d joined at the same time as me and wanted to know too and kept asking, but then they got kicked from the guild... There’s this one hacker they have who talks really fast and intensely and so I couldn’t even defend myself, I just kept writing and deleting stuff until I got kicked and blocked as well;;; I got so angry about it all that I told my father he should’ve send me to a better school as a kid, to learn better speaking and now he keeps scolding me for being an unfilial child...

(In-game_report.jpg)

Bastards. And all of this just because I heard some rumors and had questions? People keep talking about it everywhere. If everyone tells you you’re in a hacker guild, isn’t it normal to ask about it? I just wanted to know, but he got so furious, I’m pretty sure now what’s going on with that guild... If they’d just been honest, I wouldn’t have even minded it;; But they treated me so bad, I hope they fall apart. No clue how many reports I got out before they blocked me, but now I’m banned from chat for a whole month ㅠㅠ

Aah, why did they also have to kick the others who were just curious, when I’m the one who actually brought it up in the first place? If you wanted someone to pay, just go for me directly... I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry ㅜㅜ

(104 comments)

-What’s with this guild and its constant drama? People should just check beforehand what weirdo guild they’re joining.

-? Where tldr lol

⤷Welp, have fun with your miserably short attention span and bye bye~

-lmfaooooo That screenshot is comedy gold “Y’all are so powerful, what hacks you using for that? Haha” Lmaoooo That wasn’t a joke either, was it?

⤷Lol well, actually, you were right, I was just making a joke...

-So if there’s whole guilds of hackers now, then why aren’t we cracking down more on the hacking issue? Isn’t this worse than any game-breaking bug the devs could cause? I mean, at least with bugs, they fix them asap lol. But these hacks legit ruin the balance of the entire game.

-They’re still harassing you? ㅠㅠ Seems like they were all hackers and you the only exception lol so they just didn’t want you to figure out what they were doing.

⤷No... Go back to the picture, I was a part of that group chat...ㅠㅠ But I was a really new member, so I stayed silent for the most part, to not get involved any further, but now I’m wondering if they would’ve admitted their hacking, if I had spoken up in their defense and I wanna cry all over again.

⤷⤷If they hadn’t kicked this guy, he’d now happily be using hacks right alongside them lmfao.

The screenshot showed the poster writing with Earth Star in the Guild chat. Earth Star had first replied with laughter and asked where the poster had heard bullshit like that from, to which the poster had responded ‘But you’re clearly using speed hacks though?’ and then had gotten verbally eviscerated by Earth Star, before the poster finally got kicked from the guild. As he looked at the screenshots, Yeo-woon couldn’t help comparing them to his own first encounter. On a hunch, he switched back to the game, taking a screenshot of his chat with Strawberry just in case.

[Whispering] Strawberry: I even know one of them a bit haha.

[Whispering] neutaaaa: Oh, really?

[Whispering] Strawberry: Yep so don’t get close.

[Whispering] neutaaaa: Thanks for telling me... ᄃᄃ

[Whispering] Strawberry: Huh? Ur our cute guildnewb now so ofc ofc dw.

He was grateful to have learned about it all, but even still, he didn’t want to make his decision based on the words of only one side of this conflict.

‘What if I... Well, what if I say something and Earth Star lays into me like he did into that poster?’

But Yeo-woon was worried that maybe he’d only grown to like these people because they were so kind and helpful towards him.

He kept hesitating on what he should do next, until even Captain Poseidon and Earth Star had made their own returns. All three Poseidon members were jumping around Yeo-woon, or running in sharp little circles, like they were trying to summon him with a ritualistic dance. As soon as Yeo-woon gently pushed one of his arrow keys, moving his character and thereby exiting his own idle state, CroakRush used his skill to increase all of their defenses, together.

“….”

‘Okay, let’s not avoid it any longer, let’s ask them! Confronting things head on is best, so just ask!’

[Party] neutaaaa: Do you guys use hacks?

[Party] Captain Poseidon: What?

[Party] CroakRush: ?

[Party] Ji9Star: ㅡㅡ???

Yeo-woon watched their reactions happen in real time and he really felt like he’d messed up.

[Party] neutaaaa: If not, I’m really sorry. It’s just that while you were gone, I met a player and they told me that...

[Party] neutaaaa: So I just thought I’d ask

[Party] neutaaaa: That’s all

[Party] CroakRush: No one in Poseidon is a hacker...

[Party] Ji9Star: Who told you that?

He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to tell Earth Star, but then again, there was no real reason not to. It’s not like that person had told him to stay quiet and Poseidon’s members seemed to already know about the rumors anyway.

[Party] neutaaaa: The GM of the guild I joined...

[Party] CroakRush: Fucking loser can’t even believe there’s people with actual skills playing this game... Why pretend like you know everything about everyone when you’re just a clueless fucking moron

[Party] CroakRush: Ah wait jic: I’m talking about that gm not you New!

[Party] Ji9Star: I even told them it’s not hacks and made a whole video, but then they just argued “it’s not fullscreen - fake” so my money is on one of those douches.

[Party] Ji9Star: Guess they can’t feel good about themselves unless they call hacks on everyone who knows how to actually play a character great! ><

[Party] Ji9Star: But Strawberry Jam? << Who dis? Never heard of them.

Which side was telling the truth? Everyone else said it was hacks, but the players in question said it wasn’t. In all honesty, Yeo-woon wanted to believe them more than some random people. Because in the end, the only true ties were ones forged in school or by blood. Even though, technically speaking, neither option applied to these three people.

[Party] Captain Poseidon: I really should have sent the guild invite before I left.

[Party] Captain Poseidon: Earth even asked in our group chat, if I could just invite Newta to the guild already.

“…?”

[Party] neutaaaa: Me?

[Party] Ji9Star: ...

‘But why?’

He wasn’t a high enough level and they’d rejected his application once before, so Yeo-woon really hadn’t expected them to want to invite him into the guild. He’d expected all of this to end after the Couple’s event, with them going their separate ways.

[Server] Ji9Star: [Strawberry Jam] <<<<<<Come fight coward lol

[Server] Ji9Star: [Strawberry Jam] <<<<<<Come fight coward lol

[Server] Ji9Star: [Strawberry Jam] <<<<<<Come fight coward lol

That’s when three messages struck the chat, sent throughout the server with the help of three megaphones, one used for each message.

[Party] CroakRush: Oh my god look at that child lmaoooo

[Friend] Halloween Eggplant: ? Why do you do all the fun things when I’m not around to watch it happen?

[Party] Captain Poseidon: He’s picking fights again. Someone please stop this guy... sob

[Party] Captain Poseidon: Ah, wait, I’m the GM here... ㅠㅠ

[Party] Captain Poseidon: Stop that, Earth!

[Party] CroakRush: Lmao it’s not like we can do much.

[Guild] Strawberry: Oh? Lol

That’s when his new Guild Master, the person who had made him aware of everything, popped up in chat, seemingly surprised by this turn of events. Yeo-woon, who’d inadvertently unleashed Earth Star’s madness upon this guild, felt his hands tremble where they lay.

[Server] Ji9Star: [Strawberry Jam] <<<<< Stop hiding you coward!! Get over here

[Guild] Strawberry: ?? He talking to me?

Yeo-woon felt so anxious about the direction things were heading in that he couldn’t help but switch from his Party chat over to the Guild chat, telling them what was going on.

[Guild] neutaaaa: So, I asked them if they used any hacks.

[Guild] Strawberry: Loooooooooool n they said?

[Guild] neutaaaa: That none of them do?

[Guild] Strawberry: Ofc they did loool

[Guild] Motsuena: Oh newbie, you really believed them haha. You’re so naive, that’s so cute haha.

“Cute…?”

‘What the fuck.’

Yeo-woon decided it was best to just repress that Motsuena had said anything. Most humans came pre-equipped with an instinctual crazy radar and Yeo-woon’s was off the charts, at this point. Motsuena just had that kind of air about him, like he was someone to stay far away from. But then his attention was redirected to the other ongoing train wreck, as Strawberry used a server megaphone of their own, to get back at Earth Star.

[Server] Strawberry: If u wanna talk there’s this cool thing called a whisper.

[Server] Ji9Star: Just another hacker maniac... You got a crush on me? Am I all you ever talk about? ㅜㅜ So sorry that I just have way better control over my character than you ever will. Can’t be helped, can it?

[Server] Ji9 Star: ★★★No hacks here★★★

[Server] Ji9star: I can take 15 of you by myself, easy! If people make videos tying up their own hands, claiming it’s me using telekinesis to win against them, will you still believe everything they say? ‘Cause then you better go sharpen up your own kinetic skills right now.

In response to Strawberry, Earth Star demonstrated his not-so-secret technique of saying ten words in the span of time that most others could only say one in. At this point, Yeo-woon wasn’t even surprised anymore.

[Server] Strawberry: U saying u wanna do guild wars? Sounds fun lol

[Server] Ji9Star: Oh I’ve heard about those before and not gonna lie haha ㅠᄉㅠ Each guild war brings shame upon your whole fucking family

[Server] Ji9Stars: Guild wars are the biggest waste of time and I’m done wasting anything on you, so let’s just go with 2V2 PVP ><

[Server] Strawberry: Kk Ill take one to go chief

[Server] Ji9Star: Since I don’t like you, you’ll even get an amazing deal of only 7mil per piece!!

[Server] HamsterFriend: Oh my god can you shut up already; Is this some weird mating dance or what? If you wanna fight, just go fight!!!!!!! Thanks to you I didn’t even see what loot I got.

[Server] Strawberry: Well get things rolling n then sent u the deets. We can choose the fighters tho right lol?

[Server] Ji9Star: Sure

Earth Star, who had escalated things into a full PvP battle, now prowled around in front of the Dungeon portal like a caged tiger, while switching between ever new weapons.

‘All I wanted was to level up more quickly.’

Meanwhile, his Guild chat was filling up with ever more curses and insults aimed at the people they called hackers and made by Strawberry and multiple other guild members. They also said it was good that things went the way they did because, judging by what they said, they wanted to broadcast the fight to the world, to show once and for all that Poseidon was a guild full of hackers.

‘Aren’t things getting a bit too intense?’

Yeo-woon couldn’t help but worry that he’d been the catalyst of this whole fight and the anxiety of it all lead him to try and write a message, but erase his words again and again before he was finally okay with what he sent.

[Party] neutaaaa: Is this really okay...?

[Party] CroakRush: Eh this is far from the first time -_-

[Party] Captain Poseidon: Dear Earth, you may discover your position has been returned to you ^^

[Party] Ji9Star: ᄋ0ᄋ!

[Party] Ji9Star: Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

In direct contrast to Strawberry Jam’s chat, Poseidon seemed to be buzzing with positive energy. Earth Star didn’t mention hacks again and no one even brought up Strawberry Jam from then on. It was like their enthusiasm was carrying them far away from anything that could’ve bothered or annoyed them.

(Next Part)

[whoiskt]

Grad School Q2 - Week 3

I feel like the quarter is going faster than the last one, but things are moving slower. I'm worried that means these classes are all back-loaded, so I really need to try working ahead now. Except Anatomy class which is trying to kill me right now.

Here's some character designs I did for my writing class (which I have yet to do any real writing for, lol) My space truckers and one evil AI.

I had to present them. I like to imagine the alternate timeline where I brough LV to class and presented them. We got to fill out these crazy detailed, what was basically an OC bio, for each of them. Yeah, I did a little of it with my babes just for fun. Wasting time as you do.

I was inspired to work on my outfit lineup so here's a rough preview featuring Evelyn:

(She looks tall here... I think she needs to get squashed down a bit more.) The fact that she color-coordinated her socks and shirt was a thing of pride for her but then her roommate makes a snide remark about how she didn't dress up for the first day classes and Evelyn plays it off like she doesn't care how she looks but in reality she's a little upset by it.

Also, since this thing is basically a dress up doll where every article of clothing is it's own layer, including her hair, here's BUZZCUT EVELYN!

Lowkey freaks me out how she looks completely different like this is NOT my Evelyn. If she doesn't have hair how is she supposed to be emo?

The win of the week is I went out for "coffee" with two of my fellow grad students. HOORAY FOR FINALLY MAKING FRIENDS!

I also learned you can print for free? I told Will this because I was ASTOUNDED at the notion of free printing at an university (up to $30 worth at least) and he was like, "Yeah, that's normal?" So, idk, maybe my last school was just stingy. But, I'm heading to the library again later this week to do some printing now that I know!!

This week ahead has a bunch of workshops coming up so I guess that'll keep me busy.

[megamuscle885-blog]

#I LOVE THIS AND I LOVE YOU#power fantasy and worm the two things that have been on my mind#worm#the power fantasy#okay wait it’s gotta be more than 33 megadeaths if she’s got the entire bug population#she prob has extremely venomous or poisonous insects all over the world locked and loaded#and also she could Alexandria a bunch of people with the sheer number of insects she controls

Well thank you, and I did choose 33 megadeaths because that's still thirty three million people an hour. That's still a global extermination event in 200 hours. That's a little over eight days. I think that tracks with Skitter just with a global range. Think about every bug in your immediate vicinity suddenly becoming murderously aimed at you and swarming with everything they can. Most of that are going to be ants and cockroaches and flies. Nematodes might fit, even though Skitter didn't have any, but of course we're giving her them because she's a Superpower now, but I don't think Nematodes can do much damage to your body even if they suddenly started trying to carve their way through your skin and towards your brain/heart. There's a certain size limit for Global Weaver here. Crabs and lobsters are a bit useless since people are mostly found on land, but some people are going to have a nightmare scenario with coconut crabs taking off limbs. Each swarm, despite it's murderous intent, is still a loud and largely out-run-able threat with the exception of flying bugs and some faster insects moving with killing intent. Choking people out or just biting them to death is going to take a while I think.

My main reason for it is that most people aren't living with their personal wasp nest ready for Taylor to use. Now that I say that, I'm thinking that maybe most people have an apiary for bees to pollinate around them, so that might work as a weapon. Spiders are largely territorial so there isn't a huge clump of poisonous spiders around, although, again I must point out that Taylor has completely hijacked typical insect behaviour. It could be utterly fair to say that insects are actually in absolutely massive quantities now that they're driven by an intelligent (four year old) mind and eat and breed to feed each-other and serve humanity as pollinators and silk fabricators and a hundred other things they do now. No more stomping on bugs, that's your friend Weaver. No more insecticide (except around government blacksites) that's your pal Weaver. Still, there probably isn't a lot of bugs in snow or concrete areas.

I feel like the USA government leans heavily on their 'home grown' superpower here too. Jacky Magus is aligned with american interests post 2nd Summer of Love, sure, but he's still british and has a history of anarchy. Taylor's parents still have their university and union jobs but there's a looming threat over their heads that Taylor's starting to get an idea of. She's the most recent Superpower and the youngest to ever develop her powers, next to Valentina who was simply born with them. When Taylor showed up requiring round the clock medical care coinciding with a global shift in insect behaviour and a total lack of malaria cases, the USA learnt from their mistakes with previous superpowers and ensured they locked in Taylor as early as possible, as a prominent member of the american government, even though her work is global and remains strictly apolitical. She's having to grow up rather quick, but she's still a little kid. I don't know if the New York incident goes down the same way in issue 1. Taylor could make the government even more bold about warning Heavy, and be asked to intervene against him and Lux, with Lux having to talk her down while fleeing a swarm and capture.

I've decided that Lux can't entirely read her mind, similar to Valentina, because Taylor's mind is almost entirely submerged into the bug gestalt and Lux can't telepath with animals, just going off how the dog reacted in issue 1.

Taylor's whole powerset here is inspired by a snippet that I just can't seem to find unfortunately. I'm sure someone will leave a link in the replies. Taylor dies in the locker in that snippet, but her mind is then put into the gestalt of every bug on earth. She has to watch her own father die slowly as her mind is hit with time dilation. Then she gets a sort've bug fursona to walk around as.

I've read the comic version of The Power Fantasy up to issue 8. Just letting everyone know. I am now crazy.

7th superpower Taylor Hebert aka Weaver. Controls all of the bug life on the planet including crabs, prawns, krill and other sea bug life. As of 1999 the most over-worked 4 year old imaginable but she loves her job. Confined to a hospital bed because her consciousness is spread across all of the bug-like creatures of the planet and her brain waves are similar to that of a coma patient (though she can still move her eyes and listen and eat and move her head). Has an entire department within the USA's Department of Agriculture and their mirror organizations in every other nation dedicated to liaising with her. Set to end world hunger by 2004 and is instrumental in the breakneck pace of helping turn the Sahara desert into a food forest.

Both parents are still alive and it's kinda uneasy how many attempts there are against them, since almost everyone knows how it goes trying to fight a superpower. Secret Service details on both of them. USA is unsure if killing her would also cause total brain death of bug life or set them back to normal. Her capacity for spying on people is a step below Lux's omnipathy. From her parents comes a leftist bent that aligns her with Heavy, but because Lux is the biggest conversationalist she has, she's more in his camp. Valentina's biggest fan. Hellbound, Magus and Masumi aren't really present in her life, but she's aware of the Pyramid and the destruction of Europe and Tokyo. Born well after the second summer of love, she's a young superpower amongst a team of very bitter rivals with long histories.

What I'm actually unsure of is how many megadeaths she's capable of. For those who haven't read The Power Fantasy, it's an estimation of how many millions of people per hour she could kill. Three of the superpowers are at the max of 6000 megadeaths, all six billion people on earth dead in a single hour or less. The weakest is Masumi's at 250 megadeaths, a quarter billion per hour, and that's because she's got a kaiju to end all kaiju. I think Taylor can be set at a reasonable 33 megadeaths. Travel time of her bugs cuts her per hour abilities short, but the reality is that if Taylor died or stopped working, the whole world would starve to death not too long after.

[shifter444]

CHAPTER1

Firs of all:

C/N - code name

Y/N - your name

F/N - first name

S/N - last name

Warnings: violence, blood, guns literally anything that COD

____________________________________________

You are hearing Shepherds voice in you ear peace talking to your Lieutenant.

Shepherd: You're wheels-up in five.

Ghost: Roger

Shepherd: Marines are loading in now. You and the sergeants are leading the way on this.

Ghost: Sergeants?

Shepherd: Yes, Soap MacTavish and C/N.

Soap: Let's get a win for ourself, yeah, L.t? - Soap said and walk up to the man wearing a skull mask to cover his face.

C/N: Sir.

Soap: Save ya a seat sir.

Ghost: Fucking hell

Shepherd: Ghost you copy

Ghost: Yes, sir

Shepherd: Any issues

Ghost: Negative, sir

Me and MacTavish are on the helicopter sitting nexto each other.

-You know him? -I asked soap.

- Who? - he shouted because of the loud sound of the helicopter

-L.t idiot

-Yeh i know him why, you know him?

-No I just wonderd.- You know well this is not the time for a conversation so you calmed yourself down a bit.

The stress of the mission is thickly feelebl in the air around. Witch maked your heart beat even faster than befor boarding.

I saw Ghost staring at me from his seat. I was a bitt brotherd by the fact that i could not see his face, witch meant I could not read his emotions but the eyes he given me was spine chilling. Big brown eyes he particularly stared into my soul. But he had a rather cold look not the warmth that you except from those pretty eyes. - But is no time for that to think about the mission is on and I need to focus on that and just that.

Ghost: Team Bravo offloads here. Alpha stays on board. Teams meet in middle. Remember we want Hassan alive, but this is capture or kill.

I go with team Bravo witch meant that I was with Soap. That made me a little bit more comfortable.

Ghost: Don't wonder around kid.- I heard Ghost behind and a hand on my shoulder cold eyes look down at me.

C/N: Roger that sir - I said maybe a little bit to sarcastic. Witch might not earn a good point. But he pissed me off, the looks he give me. I felt like he don't trust me.

Ghost: Watch your tone sergeant.

C/N: Yes sir. 

The tension is higher now you are all getting closer and closer to the first building. Alpah team is down the helicopter was blown up.

Bravo7-2: In the hallway C/N.

I turned and shot dow a man and a women. The room was small, a laptop on the table with a video of Hassan speaking.

C/N: L.t first house clear, no sign of Hassan only a video of him.

Ghost: Move towards second house everyone, now. - He raspy voice comes through your ear peace.

Second house was easy to clear. Now you moved towards the helicopter. To move forward from the helicopter to the third building you had to clear the treeline.

Soap: One down.

C/N: One more.

Soap: Smoked one.

C/N: One iced.

Soap: Dropped the other.

I liked the teamwork with Soap the communication was easy and he undoubtedly can bring a little joy to your work witch is never easy to do. To be fair you had to shoot people and even if they were bad guys their blood is on your hands now, you took their lifes.

You moved towards the third building. Cleard it out. Easy job there were just a few people left. Hassan was nowhere but you found something more interesting out there. A container dark blue and two other. Soap went to open the blue one.

Soap: It is all in english - he stated matter of factly.

The heavy door opened with a big creak.

Soap: Steamin' Jesus.

C/N: Holy fuck.

Ghost: Ballastic Missiles.

Soap: It's a mobile luncher.

C/N: Laswell this is C/N we found something.

Laswell: Did you got Hassan?

Ghost: Negative.

Ghost: We found weapons caches.

C/N: Hassan got missiles, they are american.- For a moment you hold back your breath you know you not supposed to interrupt you Lieutenant. But Ghost had no reaction not even a look, so you just brushed this thought away.

After the team gathered all of the information about the missiles we could get on the helicopter that came for us. Later we hade a flight to the US. Where we met the shadow company.

Well guy this is it lol. I hope you like it garama mistakes are possible.

[soraka-in-warhammer40k]

A theory on the Primarch Mirror-Pairings and figuring out the identity of the Lost Primarchs from that

So this theory as a whole is nothing new, and I have seen versions of it going around. However, as a fun thought exercise, I thought maybe if there are two able to match up, that could be a hint towards two two "mystery" ones. Generally when dealing with Chaos you never just get the thing you want - you usually get two, neither being exactly what you wished for but technically fitting the definition. Given how the Emperor "tricked" the Chaos Gods in cooperating (strong word for just saying "No Fuck Off when being presented with the bill), the Primarchs should be no exception with this.

For this we will start with the most obvious pairings, and then move on to the speculative bits. Overall we should get ten pairings, each themed around a thing one would need as a load bearing pillar of the empire.

Pairing One: Rogal Dorn and Peturabo. Infrastructure. Iron Warriors and Imperial Fists are probably the only two legions that are actively involved in building infrastructure. These two are the ones who even in peace times could have their place in the Imperium - just imagine construction crews of Astartes taming even the most dangerous deathworlds and turning them into habitable planets. Sadly, in their timeline, there is only war.

Pairing two, Roboute Guiliman and Horus. Logistical prowess, with the difference being that while the Ultramarines are superior at running a multi-system-empire, in terms of pure war logistics Horus is superior. The Lunar Wolves always won because they were good at fighting, stealth, speed, and anything - but because it is hard to lose when you got a fuckload of tanks and artillery backing you up and blasting the enemy to bits before you even get into close range.

Pairing three: The Lion and Alpharius. Secrets. Oh so many secrets. One is vey good at keeping them, the other at getting them. Both are defined by a paranoid streak that puts their own little club above everything in the universe, inculding the Empire they are a part of or the Chaos Gods respectively.

Most likely pair to do a loyality-swap in the future edition.

Pairing Four: Leman Russ and Angron. The "send them somewhere quick and brutal"-team. People tend to forget that lore detail, but given pre-nail Angron's palandin-equse abilities and personality, the War Dogs were initially designed as a rapid responder to help other legions. They were the cavallary coming in to save their friends in trouble by straight up murdering the enemy full-force. Sadly, the Nails in Angron's head had other plans.

Meanwhile the Space Wolves are there to get sent on allies should they pose a danger. They are the only legion that had combat experience against Astartes before the Heresy. Both would rush into combat with absolute savagery and brutality.

Pairing Five: Corvus Corax and Kondrad Curze. Role: being in your vents. Right now. These are the stealthy boys. Not much can be said here because the premise is quite simple, even if both legions draw entirely different conclusion on how to operate with their stealth.

The Raven Guard is more about surgical strikes from impossible positions, while the Night Lords are, well... more prone to evading the actual enemy while forcing a planet into compliance by sheer incomprehensible terror.

Pairing Six: The Khan and Mortarion. Movement. You wanna go somewhere and you definetly need to go get there? Either get there faster than anyone else, or just get there absolutely no matter what stands between you and the destination.

Pairing Seven: Sanguinius and Fulgrim. The potentially cultural icons of the Empire. Aside from both legions being some of the few that truly respect the arts, they are also both the legions with the most severe build-in mental illnesses. Both of them are a result of how "emotionally crippled" Astartes are by design when compared to regular beings. This probably deserves its own post.

---

This leaves us Ferrus Manus, Vulcan, Magnus, and Lorgar. It could make sense to put the first two into a category, but that would be the first pairing that would not follow the pattern of "loyalist vs. chaos" which by now has been established. Meanwhile Magnus and Lorgar do not really fit together either. Sure they both meddle with the warp, but that's something other Primarchs do too, even if to various degrees.

Assuming we put Vulcan and Ferrus Manus into the "Craftsmen" category, that must mean that the two Lost Primarchs might be mirrors to Magnus and Lorgar respectively. Alternatively one could put Magnus and Ferrus Manus into a combo themed around transhumanism, either by technology or psykic ability. This would fit with the established pattern.

Then the two lost would be mirrors of Volcan and Lorgar.

Since it is Lorgar in both cases, it would make sense given how out of his brothers the purge of the Lost shook him the most. In fact, the Emperor's lack of mercy in this case was probably the one thing that set the conditions for the heresy to happen. Him having a counterpart, probably a philosophical mind to bounce of his theologics, would make sense, and given how both within that theme would be more civilized than some of their brothers, they'd probably have some interesting contrast him.

Both would probably be the same in the way that they seek their salvation in something deemed superior to them. For the Word Bearers that was the Emperor. But who could it be for the Lost One? Maybe the Glorious Machine God? The Omnissiah? Given how the Word Bearers have a lot of cybernetic constructs fighting for them, despite that having little to do with their original theme, and Lorgar canonically having being close with one of the Lost, it is save to assume that Lost Legion One went HARD into tech - and probably got purged due to meddling with AI.

Vulcan meanwhile, while being a big guy with a big heart and some mad smithing skills he picked up at his core is about one thing: survival. He is a perpetual and just can't die, and under that theme his legions self-reliancy when it comes to weapons and other tech makes a lot of sense. The Salamanders are probably some of the toughest Astartes around, and they are very aware of it. Ironically that combined with the personality led to the highest casuality rates of any legion early on, as they would sacrifice themselves a lot to get civillians and guard out of the danger zone. Because who if not the toughest boys around should be the ones to rush head first into danger? It could also be that Perpetuals in general have an subconscious lower self-preservation-instinct, and that gets put into his Astartes as well - who sadly are NOT Perpetuals. They just get the brain of one.

So how would a mirror look like to this? Simple: survival through adaptation. A highly adaptive biology that with some bio-science adding it up could probably do everything from making them grow protective scales to getting gills. It could explain some of the weirder animal-themed chapters running around today.

They were probably purged because they went a bit too hard into "becoming their own species" by accident. Turns out when you are biological clay, changing one's sex is not exactly hard. So yeah, this is where the Lady Space Marines ended up - with the response of the Emperor being "Ew, girls are yucky - and also you are about to betray humanity as a whole by evolving away from it" followed by a purge.

Wait, doesn't this all sound familiar? OH RIGHT IT TOTALLY ADDS UP WITH MY PREVIOUS THEORY ON THE LOST PRIMARCHS.

Who could have known? It's almost like I had some thought put into it for a long ass time :>

[shiftylookingcrow]

A (not comprehensive) List of Little Self Care Things I Do When Everything Feels Like Too Much:

Bathing

Wash just your body, or just your hair. You may not be completely clean, but you ARE cleaner

Still feels like too much? No problem!

Take off any jewelry from your hands/wrists and wash your hands up to your elbows, just taking your time

Then wash your arm pits and groin, those are the stinkiest parts of the body

If you're feeling up to it, wash your face too

Once you're done washing, take your favorite body lotion and massage it in anywhere you washed

Shaving

Shaving takes time and patience (especially if you prefer to be mostly hairless), but you don't have to go through the whole process every time

Wanna wear that cute tank top/crop top but don't feel comfortable with how hairy your pits are today?

JUST shave your arm pits then

Wanna wear shorts/capries/a skirt, but feel your legs are too fuzzy?

Where on your legs do the cuffs/hem sit? JUST shave from there down

Facial hair looking kinda scruffy? Got an electric shaver? It won't give you as close a shave as a razor, but it'll help neaten you up a bit

After any shaving, get back in there with your lotion and work it in well

Laundry

Don't have the energy to drag that big basket you've been avoiding down to the washing machine? Out of clothes but need something to wear tomorrow?

Wash ONLY what you'll need for the next 1 or 2 days. A smaller load means less to put away after

Need a bra/binder/mask/etc for tomorrow? Wash ONE, then hang it to dry with a fan blowing on it.

The air movement will help it dry faster, and while it may not be 100% dry by morning, it should be dry enough to wear comfortably

This can be done for underwear and socks as well

Dental

Mouth feeling like sandpaper, but you still can't find it in you to go through the whole tooth care routine?

JUST brush your teeth before bed. You can floss in the morning

No energy to get in there and really scrub like your dentist told you to? Even just a quick scrub is better than nothing

You know those little Gum brand toothpick things? With runber bristles on them? They can't replace proper flossing, but the CAN at least get the worst of the gunk from between your teeth

Food

Hungry but can't bring yourself to put together a whole meal? That's okay!

Get all the fixings for a sandwich (bread, spreads, cheese, meat, etc), put them on a plate and eat that. You're still eating a sandwich, it's just not an assembled sandwich

Want a smoothy, but don't want to fuss with the blender? Put it all together as a yogurt bowl instead

Want a salad? Grab a couple lettuce leaves, a stick of celery, half a tomato, or whatever else you'd have in there, and toss it on a plate. Grab some dressing (or not) and you've got a personal size veggie platter

Cut an orange in half and eat the pulp out with a spoon

Cut an apple in half, and eat JUST one half. You can save the other half for later, or eat it right after the first if you feel up to it

Cutting a banana in half and squeezing out the fruit means you don't have to worry about those gross stringy bits

Simple Smoothie Recipe:

1 banana

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp honey/sugar

Milk (dairy, soy, almond, whichever)

Berries, yogurt, chocolate chips, jam (optional)

Directions

Put all ingredients except milk in a blender (or 4 cup measure if using a hand mixer)

Pour in milk until ingredients are ALMOST covered. There should be about 1 inch/2.5 cm of solid ingredients visible

Blender/mix for 30-60 seconds, or until desired consistency. Pour into your favorite glass, or drink straight from the container

Simple baked potato:

Clean a medium to large potato and use a fork to stab holes down the sides and at each end. Depending on the size, you should have stab your potato somewhere around 9-12 times.

Place the potato in the microwave just off of center, one end facing the center of the spinning plate

Microwave for 15 minutes, flipping the potato end for end after every 5 minutes

Put the potato on a plate with some sour cream or ranch dressing, and dip it like a big ol' french fry

House Cleaning

Feel like there's too many dishes? Pick ONE place setting (bowl, plate, knife, fork, spoon, cup), and ONE pot/pan, and clean those. Do the same at the end of each meal, and while it might take a while, you'll eventually get things down to a manageable level

Dust bunnies breeding in the corners? Pick ONE room or hallway every couple days and just clean there. ONE clean room is better than NO clean rooms

Your room is so messy you don't know where to start? Every time you enter your room, put ONE thing back where it belongs. Every time you leave your room, take one thing that doesn't belong out with you and put it where it belongs.

Sink looking kind of gross? Give it a quick wipe down the next time you wash your hands

Toilet needs a clean? Pick a part (lid, seat, back or bowl) and just clean that bit. Even if you're just wiping some of the dust off the back.

Scum ring building up in the shower/bathtub? Give it a quick scrub next time you bathe. Maybe you don't get the whole thing, but you DID make a start.

Fitness

No energy for a full walk? If you can, walk around your house/apartment building. You might not have gone far, but you were UP and you were OUTSIDE.

Can't get out for whatever reason? Are there stairs in your house? In your apartment building? If you can, walk up and down those a few times.

Not really able to do stairs? Do some simple stretches instead.

Reach down and try to touch your toes, holding for 20 seconds. Reach up over your head as high as you can, holding for 20 seconds. Repeat 5 times

Sitting in a chair, reach your right hand across your body and over your left shoulder and try to grab the back of the chair without lifting your butt. Hold for 20 seconds. Do the same with your left arm, holding for 20 seconds. Repeat 5 times

Standing, or sitting on a chair, gently pull your head towards your shoulder (right hand, right shoulder; left hand, left shoulder), reaching the other hand down towards the ground. Hold for 20 seconds, then gently push your head upright again (lifting your head with just your neck muscles can cause them to seize after a stretch). Repeat 5 times

Miscellaneous

Need to trim your nails, but don't feel like sitting through both hands? Pick one finger on each hand, and just trim that nail. Do another nail on each hand tomorrow, and another the day after that. You don't have to do them all at once

Having trouble remembering to drink enough water? Find a water bottle/mug/glass that you like and try to keep it near you as much as possible. I find actually having a bottle with me helps me remember to keep sipping.

Still having trouble with your water intake? Fruit and veggies (specifically like apples, oranges, tomatoes, bell peppers and avocados to name a few) have high water content and can help keep you hydrated

Even if you can't get to sleep, lieing in bed with your eyes closed is more restful than trying to wear yourself out by reading or something

Alternatively, doing some mild stretches, or a few sit ups/push ups/jumping jacks can help wear you out without engaging your brain too much

You are aloud to say "no". You don't even need to give a reason. If everything feels like too much, taking on more responsibility will only make it worse, which will only make your output poorer as a result.

A reminder that this is by no means a complete list, just some things I've found helpful in my journey through adhd, depression, and anxiety. Not all tasks need to be done all at once. Maybe you can't do much, but that doesn't invalidate the some you did. Just because you take longer to do a task doesn't mean your bad at it, or that it isn't worth doing. You'll get there when you get there.

Please feel free to add to this post, I'd love to see what self care tricks other people are using!

[writinginthedarkwood]

Werewolf! Kirishimia Eijiro: A New Meaning to Golden Retriever Boyfriend.

Thank you so dearly for this request, it was so much fun to write. Prompt #16 “Not this again.” For the fictober event. If you have a request, please send me an ask I would love to write it. 

No warnings, fluffy and cute.

"You've got to be kidding me, not this again." You looked down at your phone, a long paragraph typed up from your boyfriend Eijiro in the same format as last month. An excuse, an apology, canceling tonight's plans, and about two more apologies. Tonight he's claiming stomach issues, but you know the truth. You sigh and check your bank account. If he would just tell the truth you could tell him that it wouldn't be a problem for you to pay for the movie tickets tonight! He makes good money, he must really spend over his budget. He's so chivalrous and sweet, it might insult him to try and pay for things sometimes. You don't mind, if only he'd just open up.

You decide that enough is enough, you're going over there and you're going to put an end to the lying! He's going to let you pay for the date if you have to drag him out by his ears. You throw on the outfit you had planned for your date, cleaned up your hair and head down the street into the night air. Eijiro's house is just outside of city lines in the suburbs. He has a nice end lot with a large field behind it. You're so jealous of his view. You hop on the bus and ride with head phones on, listening to a playlist he made you. The bus can be a little scary at night, but nobody is on here except for you. It's kind of peaceful just listening to music and staring at the full moon. It's large and round face is staring down at you like a caring grandmother.

 Another text pops up.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry I disappointed you. I have to get some sleep, I love you baby." You rolled your eyes. It's just past 10pm! You're not letting him sit and sulk in the dark alone all night. You resisted the urge to throw your phone into your bag in frustration. He is such a wonderful boyfriend 99% of the time, but he always seems like he's hiding a part of himself. What is it? A bad childhood? A gambling addiction? Is he secretly apart of the mafia??? The bus halted to a stop and left you outside of his neighborhood, you stomped all the way down the sidewalk to the end of the line of houses and stared at your boyfriends place. The porch light is off, but the lights are on inside. You know where he keeps the hidden spare key and jam it into the lock. You almost kick the door down as you shout for your boyfriend.

 He was sitting on the couch, tying his shoe laces. He's putting on hiking boots this late? "Hey! You're awake!" You slam the door behind you and scold your red headed sweet heart. "Babe what are you doing here? It's almost midnight!" His voice is shaking. He nervously looks at the clock on the wall and stands up. "You have to go baby, I'm really embarrassed! My stomach is-" "Stop lying! Your stomach is fine!" You want to raise your voice and yell, but his giant puppy dog eyes are so cute. You jam a finger into his chest and scrunch up your mouth, doing your best to look irritated. "I knew I would get here and see you're not hunched over a puke bucket!" He put both hands on your shoulders and gently rubbed up and down on your arms. He's such a large man, he's practically a wall he's so solid. Yet he always has the sweetest touches, making sure to be so gentle with you. His callused finger tips brushed against your skin and gave you goosebumps.

 It took every ounce of restraint in you not to fall right into his arms. "I'm sorry honey, but you really can't stay here tonight. I need you to head back home." He said hardly above a whisper. He kissed your forehead and you shoved his chest with all of your might. He didn't budge, but understood you wanted him away from you so he stepped back. "Oh I'm sorry, is your booty call on the way over and I'm interrupting?" You felt like someone had stabbed you right in the heart. It couldn’t be true, he has never showed any signs of being disloyal. You’re just tired and confused.

 Eijiro looked panicked. "Oh god of course not! No, no its not like that I swear!"  He swallowed you in his arms pushing your cheek against his pecks and kissing all over the top of your head. "There is nobody other than you, I could never even think of betraying you, you're my soul mate." He said between kisses. You wrapped your arms around him and snuggled in. His warmth overwhelming. "Well then what is it...?" You whined a bit, it's getting later and you want to just fall asleep in his arms. "Are you going to turn into a wolf at midnight?" You chuckled. His hand stopped running through your hair and he stiffened completely. You look up at him puzzled, he's staring down at you with a look of panic. "That's crazy why would you even say that?" He says all too seriously. You nervously laugh. "What's wrong? I was just joking. It's not like I really believe you're about to start howling at the full moon." Eijiro stared off into space, like his brain was loading and he couldn't think of what to say. "Right...?" You cocked an eyebrow at him. "It might be a little bit like that." He scratched his head. 

You two sat in the quiet for a little bit. Every time he tried to elaborate he ended up getting caught up in his own words. You two sat awkwardly in his living room until its about 5 minutes til midnight. "I- I'm going to go to the bathroom." He quickly dismissed himself, running to his bedroom and shutting the door. You followed quickly after him. Is he insane? Does he really expect you to just sit out here while he hides pretending to shape shift to get out of movie night? He's obviously  having a difficult time, maybe his money troubles make him feel emasculated? You softly tap on his bedroom door and it slips open. The bathroom door is closed shut with the light peaking out under the crack. You walk past his bed and dressers and hear weird scuttling sounds the closer you get. You knock again. "Hey honey, why don't you come out so we can talk about this? It's okay if you didn't want to go out because of money..." You leaned against the door. "It doesn't make you less of a man to let me pay sometimes." He's so wonderful, you don't think there could be any other reason why he can be so flakey.

The sound of shampoo bottles and shaving cream canisters falling to the ground startle you. "Babe are you okay?" You turn the door nob. The door flings open, a large shape tackles you, knocking you to the ground. You let out a large wheeze, the wind escaping your lungs. "What the fu-" Your face was assaulted with a large flat tongue, licking all over you. Slobber flew across the room as a giant red dog panted and whimpered as it gave you kisses. "You're a dog! Oh my god you're a dog!" You pushed your monstrous boyfriend off of you and took a good look at him. He's huge, and even a little scary looking. His fur is bright crimson and his eyes are a daring shade of yellow. But he sat there, panting like a normal dog. You waved in front of his face. "Are you in there babe?" The dog playfully nipped at your finger, trying to pull your hand into his mouth. "Hey! No bites!" You retracted your hand and held it close to your chest. His fangs are giant. 

The wolf man got down low to the ground in the stance you've seen puppies do right before they-

 He takes off, zooming across the floor and into the living room at full speed. Pictures that lined the hallway crash to the ground. You rush to your feet and chase after him. "Wait!! Down boy! Down!!" You shout. He's already on the couch, gripping a throw pillow between his powerful jaws and shaking it. Cotton stuffing flies across the room, coating the floor. "No! Bad Eijiro! Bad doggy!" You try to wrestle the pillow away from him and fail. He topples over you, knocking you back down onto the floor and taking off across the room again, this time to the kitchen. You tenderly rub your arm, you landed on it weird and it's a little sore. Another crashing sound prompts you to get up onto your feet and run after him. The trash can is toppled over on its side, trash strewn across the floor. His snout was pushing around the garbage, looking for something to swallow. "Are you kidding me? What is with you?" You grab the wolf by the scruff of his neck, and pull him to the other side of the room away from the trash. "You sit!" Eijiro whines and sits down, looking up at you with the saddest eyes. "Oh don't look at me like that. This is not what I thought a werewolf would be like." Eijiro's large head pushed against you, rubbing his face all over your stomach as you pet his head. "You just need to burn some of this energy off." 

You can't help but love the silly thing. He is still your boyfriend, even if he is a little different than usual right now. He followed you down the hall,  staying right by your side. He takes up most of the space, his large frame almost tipping you off balance with small bumps into your hip. You dug through a pile in his hall closet until you found an old baseball and plastic toy bat. Wow, he really needs to clean up his closet, you think to yourself. "Okay babe, let's go-" He looked up at you with all of the love in the world, hanging on your every word. You crack into a smile. "Let's go outside and play you big goof.

"The two of you trampled through the tall grass behind Eijiro's house, he seemed to use little to no effort at all. His massive paws stomping down the weeds like it's nothing. You decided you were far enough away from the neighbors and took a strong stance. You haven't hit a ball in ages, but this plastic bat is wide and should make it a little easier on you. The baseball flew high into the air, you focused and swung the bat, smacking the ball across the field. Your wolf ran, faster than any animal you had ever seen after the small object, passing it and having to loop around with a terrifying pin point turn. He grabbed the ball off of the ground so quick you barely saw the motion, and in a flash he was back at your feet. You could do nothing but shake your head and laugh. "Are you kidding me? You're amazing!" Eijiro looked pleased, so you scratched his neck fluff.

 "Alright let's see if I can hit it a little farther." 

Again, and again, and again he chased the ball across the field and back happily dropping the ball at your feet. He only made you wrestle for it once, he could probably keep the ball away from you forever with those intense muscles, but that's not as fun for him. Seeing how pleased you looked when he brought it back was filling the beast with all the pride in the world.

Eventually your arm got tired, and he seemed to have about run out of energy too. He laid down in the field and looked up at the moon. You laid your head on his stomach, the rhythm of his breathing so comforting. You just talked to him, venting about life and how weird things are in the city now. You found yourself thinking about how a simple bus ride was starting to feel too far away from him at this point. "I know you don't really understand me right now, but I really love you. I know we've said it before, but I love you. I think you're my forever person." He was laying on his paws, looking up at the starry sky. "I know you felt like you had to hide this from me, but it doesn't scare me, or weird me out." You talk quietly and close your eyes, snuggling deeper into his fur. "If I have to come throw a ball for you once a month, I'll do it. I've got friends that deal with way worse with their boyfriends." You smirked, thinking you're pretty funny. That'll make Eijiro laugh in the morning, you'll save that for later. 

The rising sun burned your eyelids, scaring you awake. You hadn't meant to stay out here for the rest of the night, but it was so late and he was so comfortable. He's much more familiar to you now, he slept peacefully as you rested on his chest. He looks worn out, but the two of you can't stay out there forever. You gently tap his face. He popped one eye open and looked around. "Oh man!" He gasped and looked down at his hands and feet. "I'm so stupid! You could get sick staying outside all night!" He put a hand on your face and cupped your chin. "Are you alright my love?" He asked with the soft voice only you get to hear. "Yeah I'm fine. How are you feeling?" "I feel fine. I'll be a little more hungry today, but it's no big deal." He looked down at the ground with a sheepish smile. "Thanks for staying with me all night." "Aw come on, it's no big deal. You're... a good boy." You teased while ruffling his hair.

 "Hey!"

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[iiraven]

Fool-Proof Plan

Pairing: Erwin x reader

Genre: fluff, comedy, smut, modern AU

Warnings: size kink, masturbation, squirting, fingering in front of a mirror, hair pulling, multiple orgasms, manhandling, degradation, praise, established relationship, slight dumbification, choking/ breath play 

Word count: 4.6K

Synopsis: Erwin’s business trip leads you to realise you’re not as sly as you think you are.

Masterlist

Erwin Smith is a man capable of absolutely everything. He’s an amazing cook, an amazing masseur, an amazing businessman, and, most of all, an amazing husband.

There’s only one small shortcoming to the person you consider to be perfect. And that’s his inability to use any form of technology. Texting is bad enough with him signing his name after every message, but it’s social media that’s your husband’s true sworn enemy. Erwin might only be a few years your senior, but somehow your grandfather can comprehend the concept of Instagram faster than him.

“So, you just take pictures?”

“Yes.”

“And people respond to it?”

“Yes.”

“Alright but why?”

The conversation is nothing new, but you find it incredibly unfortunate knowing how talented he is at photography. If you two ever go someplace Erwin knows he wants to capture, he slings his camera over his neck, leaves his phone at home (“I won’t be taking any calls today”) and makes his merry way out of the house. You often eye the phone left stray on the desk, half-expecting it to chase you out of the house for abandoning it. Sometimes, for good measure, you slip it into your own bag. Just in case.

It’s for this reason that Erwin’s business trip puts you on immediate edge.

“It’ll only be for ten days,” he had said. “Sina Corporations takes their summits really seriously…”

“Ten days?” You repeated and Erwin gave you a soft smile.

“I’ll call you every day.”

It’s not like you have an obsessive attachment to your husband (well, that’s debatable), but breaking the routine of returning home to his warm hugs, listening to his day and then complaining about your own- it’s uncomfortable. 

Erwin himself wasn’t looking forward to being away from you, away from home. Running Survey Corporations Ltd is no easy task; trying to balance the infuriating board and the long hours with his actual life is something only possible because of you. Time spent together is fine diamonds Erwin clutches onto and although he’d tried to reason with himself that it was only ten days, it wasn’t a trip he was looking forward to. He never said it out loud. But he didn’t need to. You can tell by the way Erwin’s lips linger on yours a little longer at the airport, as if to preserve your taste.

“Oi Erwin- hurry up.” Levi tries hard not to glare. But even the raven-haired man knows that being away from you puts Erwin on somewhat of an edge. You’re his rock, there to ground him when everything is chaotic, and a summit surrounded by the richest people in the world is as chaotic as it gets.

Despite it all, Erwin stays true to his promise. He calls you at least twice a day and although you could stay on the phone with him for hours, he’s often rushing between conferences and can only spare minutes of his time. Even when he does have an hour, talking to a disembodied voice (he still can’t figure out how to switch his camera back around) is not the same as having Erwin right beside you. It’s the way he squeezes your thigh when he’s focussing on what you’re saying or when he pulls you towards him so that you can lie on his hard chest which still makes you blush even after years of being together.

Because, yes, you miss his touch the most.

Not even five days in, you find yourself with your hands down your panties and a tall blond man on your mind. You’re soaked just thinking about him. His groans, the way he calls your name, the way he pounds into you as you lose your train of thought. Your fingers try to imitate his- their curve and how easily they find your soft spot- but it just feels uncomfortable. So, then you try rubbing your clit, and there’s temporary pleasure there, but not even close enough to tip you over the edge. Even your pink vibrator doesn’t cut it. You deny the fact that Erwin Smith has made you an incompetent masturbator, but you can’t keep up the lie for long and soon enough you give up.

It’s the next day that your ingenious idea kindles. It’s a fool-proof plan. A small flame that has you rushing to the bathroom for the best possible lighting. Erwin can still put his tongue to use at a distance- after all, it’s his voice you fell in love with first. To discretely push him in the right direction, you send him a few photos of yourself. Nothing too scandalous safe he’s in a meeting, but enough that he’ll gets the hint. Sure, Erwin has a couple of polaroid pictures hidden in his brown leather wallet, but he had shot those himself. You want to be a bit more spontaneous! And, honestly, at this point you’re desperate. You could swear you’re developing withdrawal symptoms: just the other day, you were actually temped to pick up a newspaper. It was terrifying.

This had to work. You can just imagine Erwin calling you, voice deep and gruff as he guides you through the process to make yourself cum as he showers you with praise. You feel giddy, eyes glued to the glowing screen, awaiting his response. Even your pink vibrator is out of the box.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t exactly go the way you had planned.

One hour after sending the photos you receive a panicked text from Hange. In the long paragraph, you understand that your poor husband couldn’t get the photos to load and decided to consult the vice president of his company who, upon simply clicking on them, saw you groping your soapy tits. Had it been anyone other than vice president Hange Zoe, Erwin may have broken his phone and quit right there. Thankfully, he only said, “I see” and then asked her where to find the smiley face Emoji.

“I’m so, so sorry Y/N!” Hange screams through the phone. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise! I could send you a picture of my boobs! I’ll go do it right now! I’m sorry! No- You don’t need to feel embarrassed! I won’t mind!”

“It’s alright Hange.” You laugh nervously. “You don’t need to send me anything, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

The whack Levi lands on her head is so hard you hear it through the phone. “Shut the fuck up four-eyes.”

So here you are now. Three days until Erwin returns, a vibrator you’ve given up on back in its box, and a husband who responds to your nudes with a smiley face.

But then Hange Zoe sends you something much better than a picture of her boobs.

The hotel that the trio were staying at- as most hotels do- has a spa. And if there’s one thing Erwin Smith adores it’s allowing himself to relax in a warm, steamy sauna. You’re not sure how Hange was allowed to join them, or how she was able to get her camera clear of fog, or how she was even able to take the picture without Erwin noticing. But you ask her no questions.

Followed by a winky-face is a picture of Erwin sat in the sauna, head tilted backwards, and eyes shut in the pure image of serenity. His arms are propped up on either side of him accentuating his biceps whilst still allowing a clear view of his sculpted body, the sweat running down his chest and abs, making him almost glisten. He’s completely naked except for the flimsy white towel across his lap which does absolutely nothing to hide his thick dick print. You shudder.

You feel like a teenager again, speechless at the sight of a quasi- naked man. Even though you’ve seen him like this thousands of times, you can’t help but fantasise about being trapped underneath him, hair falling onto his face as he loses himself inside of you. God, maybe you do have an unhealthy obsession. But it doesn’t matter. You feel even more like a teenager as you imagine scenarios of him returning home to recreate the picture before you. And with that, your mind is sedated for the next few days.

You have a fool-proof plan. Dress up in the shortest and tightest dress you own, cook your husband dinner, and then give him a blow job at the table so that he’ll never leave you again. It’s going to be just like in the movies and nothing will stop that from happening.

Something stops that from happening.

Just as you’re about to put the potatoes in the oven, Erwin calls. His flight is delayed. You whine through the phone and Erwin’s chuckle just about stops you from sulking like a child. You can be mature about this, right? He’s getting home eventually- complaining isn’t going to help at all. Patience is a virtue and yours has been tested many times before. This is, after all, nothing compared to the time Erwin tried to create an excel spreadsheet. So, you don’t press further. You simply tell Erwin that you miss him and then go find a pillow in which you scream for a good five minutes.

Erwin, on the other hand, is a lot less coveted with his annoyance. He wants nothing more than to strangle whatever and whoever is preventing him from returning to his lovely wife. In the hour journey, the entire plane can feel a crushing tension above their heads, so tense that even the child at the back seems to be holding in his tears. 

Usually, Erwin prefers to spend his flights with a book in his hands, but he’s incapable for picking up the paperback and instead stares out of the window somehow hoping it will go faster.

After what feels like hours, the tight dress has gotten too uncomfortable for you to wear and you resolve yourself to eating the potatoes alone. You still don’t take off your lingerie, though. A two-piece black set with lace detailing that makes you look like a present ready to be unwrapped. It had arrived yesterday, and you had taken your sweet time admiring the embroidered flowers and soft ribbon holding the fragile piece together because you had falsely assumed that you wouldn’t have it on for long. You had in fact contemplated stockings but by the time 11PM came by you simply wrapped Erwin’s favourite robe around your body and tried to take your mind off things. Maybe you should have opted for your own robe because as the sleeves hung from your arms and the soft material effused his smell, it managed to make you feel even worse.

Staying up late was not a foreign feeling but anticipation quickly turns into boredom and you find your eyelids getting heavy. You pause the anime you’re watching and are about to shut your eyes when you hear the faint rattle of keys.

You stumble getting out of bed, knocking your shoulder on the wall before skipping four steps at a time and tripping on the robe at least twice as you rush downstairs. Erwin is barely through the door as you call out his name and he drops his bags right there to let your rush into your arms. You feel so small, so safe, so familiar, within them, as if you’ve returned to the space where you belong. He lifts you up to let you wrap your legs around his waist, your ankles barely crossing. He smells divine, even after hours of being stuck in an airport and his hair is still soft between your fingers. You look at him and the smile that spreads across his face wipes out any hints of fatigue that might have been there just moments ago.

Erwin kisses you and it’s long, deep, and he holds you impossibly closer to him as his tongue dips into your mouth. You don’t want it to end, but Erwin pulls back and says softly, “I’m home, my love.”

You can’t help but giggle. “Welcome home.”

You return to the kiss with a hint of desperation. Tugging lightly on Erwin’s shirt, you know he notices how your core is already warm, but still, he takes his time closing the door with his foot before finally noticing your attire. You’re about to make a sarcastic comment about his obliviousness but the way he looks down at you, at the small flower of lace peeping out from under the heavy robe, the way he slowly wets his lips, he leaves you speechless.

“You’re a gift.” He smiles sweetly though his eyes darken.

“Well, you’ve been working really hard,” You mumble. “You deserve a treat.”

The effect this man has on you is unbelievable. All that anger and frustration you had pent up now crumbles at the light caress of his thumb on your hips.

“Let me unwrap you,” Erwin says. And he walks you to your room, climbing up the stairs with ease as you cling onto him. You attempt to rub yourself against his hard stomach, but one look of warning makes you stop. He’s going to be doing things on his watch, tonight.

Setting you on the floor beside your bed, Erwin undoes the ribbon and you let the fabric pool at your feet. He immediately latches onto your neck, and you gasp, tilting your head to give him better access. His hands begin to roam, fingering the delicate lace of your panties and the straps of your bra as his tongue leaves a trail over your chest. It’s only when Erwin suddenly grabs your breast that you moan, body involuntarily pushing towards him.

He looks up through thick eyelashes and his hands moves to cup your face. You’re about to beg him to touch you where you need it most, but he whispers, “you’re so beautiful.” And you’re speechless again.

You suddenly lean in to kiss him, hands wrapping around his neck and it’s messy and your breath is short. “Please, Erwin,” you say to him between kisses. “Touch me.” You can feel him smile against your lips. “Please”. And before you can stop yourself. “I can’t do it myself.”

Erwin stills and only then do you realise your mistake. He pulls back and stands up straight, towering over you and you recognises that look. It’s the one of a lion who has just found a wounded deer. 

“Oh?”

Fuck. He leans back and raises a brow expectantly and you try to look everywhere but at him. Maybe if you avoid eye contact, he’ll take it as a slip of the tongue. But your husband is not one to let things go. He’s intelligent, he knows exactly what you mean- you don’t need to speak for him to gather what happened, the image of you lying pathetically on the bed, hopeless and desperate. He smirks but stays quiet. Erwin likes it when you use your words.

“No-that’s not what I meant. I mean- you feel best and it’s just-“

You’re cut off by a hand on your scalp, pulling your hair back in one swift motion so that you have no choice but to look up at your husband dead in the eye.

“You were touching yourself whilst I was away, Y/N?”

“I-I mean...yeah…”

“I see.” His gaze is enough to make you gush. “And you weren’t able to make yourself cum.”

Your cheeks burn. It’s not a question, but you affirm it anyways. “No, no I couldn’t make myself cum.”

He’s silent for a moment and you’re not sure if it’s because he’s watching your worried face or because he’s wondering how he’s going to make that face look even more worried.

“I would feel sorry for you, but I suppose that’s what you deserve for touching my cunt without my permission.”

You gasp as he uses his grip on your hair to throw you on the bed. It’s effortless, the way his strength could so easily destroy you and yet he uses it to ruin destroy you in another way- just who you like it. Erwin undoes his tie and all you can do is gawk as he strips down to his boxers. He’s as hard as a rock and you tentatively reach out to touch him, but Erwin grabs your wrist. Without warning, you’re dragged to the other side of the bed where you’re placed to face your large floor length mirror. There’s only a moment of confusion before you understand why Erwin had been so keen on the somewhat awkward placement. He positions himself behind you and you withhold the urge to press your back against his throbbing cock.

“Don’t you take your eyes off the mirror,” Erwin commands, and you nod your head. “Use your words. Or do you need me to show you how to do that too?”

“Yes, sir,” You say quickly.

“Good girl.”

Erwin opens your legs, his hands gripping your thighs hard. You silently wish bruises bloom in their wake- it’s been too long since you’ve had your husband’s mark on you. A reminder of who you belong to. One hand stays on your thigh and the other moves to nudge your panties out of the way of your glistening cunt. 

“I’m going to show you how to touch yourself,” He says in a low, rumbling voice. “And you’re going to watch closely and learn. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir.”

His fingers don’t tease your folds for long. Erwin is feeling merciful, because he simply gathers the slick coating your cut before immediately rubbing your clit. The moan that leaves your mouth is pornographic. You buck your hips but the hand on your thigh moves to pin you down, your body flush against his so that you can almost feel his bearing heart. You’re engulfed by him so small as he easily manipulates your body.

Erwin is overwhelmed by the options. Look at his wife unravel below him or stare at the mirror, where you have no place to hide.

“I should be punishing you, you know.” He presses his fingers down hard on a particularly tenter spot and you moan loudly. “But I need to show my dumb little girl how to take care of herself.”

“I-I’m not- ahhh.” Your back arches and Erwin captures your neck again, sucking viciously.

As his thumb continues its assault on your clit, two fingers find your tight hole, dripping and clenching around nothing. He can see in the mirror how your body is practically begging to be filled up. And fill you up he will. But first Erwin inserts a finger and groans at the warmth that greets him. He begins moving it and although you try to understand how he is able to stroke your cunt so perfectly, your mind is fogged and all that’s on your mind is your impending release. This should be a learning experience, but it serves only as a reminder of Erwin’s miraculous hands. He slips his second finger in and your moans only get lounder.

“Erwin, Erwin- they feel so good. Your fingers feel so good!”

You can see his smirk in his reflection, just before he speeds up and you have to grab his wrist to steady yourself. His fingers slam back and forth into your velvety walls. They suck them in, and he is able to find your sweet spot every time. Every single time. Your eyes roll back, you press against Erwin’s chest and your legs shake as you cum. The mess you make, leaking all over Erwin’s hands, your bed, your thighs- you try to look away, but he grabs your face to prevent you from doing so.

“Don’t you dare look away.” His voice is low, threatening. “Look how good I make you feel. Look.”

Your cheeks are flushed and the set that had made you look like a femme fatale, just hours before, is now yet another set that has has you pliant and submissive. “It seems that I’m the only one who can take care of you,” Erwin says. And you know he’s right.

Erwin lifts his soaked fingers to his mouth and his eyes flutter shut as he tastes you. When he opens them, you swear they’ve gone a shade darker. Wordlessly, Erwin slips from behind you to kneel in front of the bed. He removes your panties and holds them up to his nose, giving them a slight inhale before tossing them to the side and lowering his mouth.

“Erwin wai-“

And before you can warn him that your too sensitive- you orgasm was too strong, it’s too soon- his mouth has latched onto your cunt and Erwin is eating you out like a starved man.

“Ah-fuck, fuck, fuck,” You practically scream.

He sucks on your clit, his tongue doing what it does best. You look down, his eyes bore into yours and you know he’s remembering every expression you make as he pushes you over the edge. Despite your trembling arms struggling to keep you upright, your hand goes to grip Erwin’s hair and all you can think about is how soft it is before you cum again. Your husband doesn’t stop this time. His fingers dig into your soft hips to make sure you don’t move, to make sure that he catches everything on his tongue. And he can feel it before you do. The steady build-up of a feeling slightly familiar, but foreign enough that you warn Erwin too late. Your back arches and you squirt in his mouth and before your eyes roll back, you catch a glimpse of what you know to be a smirk in your husband’s eyes.

You can feel the sheets soak below you so try to press your legs together in somewhat of an attempt to hide the mess, but Erwin doesn’t let you. “Don’t be ashamed now, darling.” His voice is solid, domineering. “This is just you perfect body, doing exactly what I tell it to,” He says.

He could be talking about fruits and you would still nod your head dumbly.

The power Erwin has over you is addictive, and your body seems to know it too. As he kisses your thighs, licking off whatever didn’t find its way into his mouth, you can still feel a distant ache at your core. This time, you don’t need to use your words. As you lie weak on the bed, Erwin crawls over, engulfing your form. The lion is ready for his meal. He leans down to capture your lips in a gentle kiss. “I missed you,” He says. It’s the hundredth time, but you don’t tire of hearing it.

“I missed you too.”

Erwin shifts your legs, and you can feel the head of his large cock teasing your entrance.

“I missed all of you,” he repeats. “Your smile. Your voice. Your moans.” He pauses to place a kiss on your collarbone. “Your taste.”

He’s trying to be romantic, but you know why he stalls, and it makes you unable to graciously except the compliments. Erwin loves to hear you pine for him. And who are you to refuse your husband’s desires? So, you reach your hands out towards his shoulders, attempting to make him move if only a little bit. “Erwin!” You whine, and despite your weakness, you manage to push your hips forward, finding friction against his hard cock. “Please!”

Again, that smirk. He rubs against your clit. “My, my- you’ve come twice already and want more?”

Well, he missed your voice so you suppose you should let him hear it. “Let me be selfish, please sir?” You moan. “I need you inside of me.”

His cock twitches against you. And before you know it his hand is around your neck. “Such a good girl, using your words like that.”

He pushes inside you with a groan of relief, a low sound from his throat that causes his eyes to close momentarily. 

It seems you’ve forgotten how big he is because as he stretches you out like it’s your first time, your mouth drops open and a string of curses emerges. Erwin would usually reprimand you for the foul language, but he’s too lost in the feeling of your tight cunt pulling him in. Using your neck as leverage, he squeezes tight so that he can push forward and when your eyes blur, overwhelmed with the pleasure and pain and the lack of oxygen intensifying it all, Erwin loosens his grip only slightly, and your eyes find his again. You don’t notice your mouth hanging open, too focussed on the way your body is accommodating Erwin’s cock again.

“Really big, ‘s really big, sir,” You mumble and Erwin grunts in response, his teeth clenching because he too is reminded yet again of how tight- how perfect- your body is for him.

When Erwin bottoms out, he stills for a moment, basking in your warmth and taking a moment to kiss your cheek, a gentle gesture compared to the hand still grasping your neck. Your cunt gushes despite you wincing about the pain, about his size, and soon he can’t help but move his hips. Erwin pulls back and thrusts deep. You scream him name, as you feel his cock dragging against your walls. Any idea of taking you gently has evaporated from Erwin’s brain and instead his hips snap back and forth violently, his tip kissing your cervix as he buries himself inside of you again and again.

His grunts are laboured as Erwin’s free hand pushes your leg up to your chest to allow him to thrust deeps and deeper. “Just like that- just like that, good girl. My good girl.”

The new angle has him brushing against your g-spot and you won’t last long. You know you can’t- not with him quite literally rearranging your insides. You have one hand clawing at his forearm and the other grips the sheets and you repeat a mantra of “Thank you, sir, thank you” in between your desperate moans. The honorific coming from your lips is too sweet to his ears and he’s reminded of why phone calls bother him so much- nothing compares to hearing your voice like this.  

Erwin’s hand leaves your neck only to tug your bra down, letting your boobs bounce freely as he fucks you hard. You almost complain about the loss of contact but his tongue latches onto to your nipple and before you know it, you are coming all over your husband, screaming his name. Your nails dig into his arm as he nears his own release. Erwin’s hips stutter and he moans your name before throwing his head back in pure bliss as he cums inside of you. You wish you can capture that sight forever, but you don’t think any photo does your husband justice. It’s true- this is better than anything Hange could send.

Your breaths slowly find a slower rhythm in the post-orgasm silence. Erwin watches the way your fluids pool out of you as he pulls out, admiring the own mess on his lower stomach. You wince at the sore feeling and pull him towards you. This time, he follows your command. Breathless bodies mould into each other, finding their place after too long being apart. At the back of your mind, you know you should be making your way to the bathroom, but Erwin’s heavy body lying on your chest is enough to remind you to focus on the moment. For this is where you belong.

“You know, you should be flattered, Erwin.” You nudge his arm weakly as you lay together, bodies entangled in a random set of pyjamas you begrudgingly forced yourself to change into. “No one has better hands than you.”

He laughs. “I am flattered,” he says. “I just like teasing you.”

“No- you have a degradation kink.”

“Yes, that too.”

Even as you were taking a shower together, Erwin’s subtle attempts at having you admit you couldn’t make yourself cum did not go unnoticed. You suppose it’s an ego-thing, but then you realise it’s more. The power of being the only person able to bring you that much bliss is power Erwin thrives on. And despite the money wasted on your pink vibrator, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Still,” Erwin muses and a small smile plays across his lips. “I did expect the photo Hange took to at least help a little.”

Every muscle in your body stills and your eyes suddenly widen. Oh come on. You try to tell yourself that there’s simply nothing wrong with having a photo of your naked husband, but it’s more than that. You know it. Erwin knows it. And by the way he’s smiling, you also know that plastered on your face is the guiltiest of looks. In your poor attempt to escape his gaze by turning your back to him, Erwin chuckles and shakes his head, hugging you closer.

“That’s not fair!” You exclaim.

“It’s not?”

“No!”

You try to wiggle out of his grasp, but Erwin is made of steel. Why do you expect to get away with anything anymore? Erwin Smith is beyond two moves ahead- he’s finished the game before you’ve even started.

“Did you really think I didn’t notice?” 

“Shut up!” You whine. “Why do you have to be such a smartass about it? Let me think I win.”

“Alright, alright.” Erwin chuckles and places a kiss on your forehead. “You’re my winner. Always.”