#existentialist dread

[shitty-tma-aus]

flesh-hive apocalypse

never thought I'd say this but boy, do I have a r/nosleep story recommendation for you!

[jeanclamence]

La Femme Impeccable

The Impeccable Woman by Jean- Clamence (me)

You are wonderfully angelic.

Your touch is irresistibly surreal.

Whenever we are alone together, I feel intensely hedonistic.

I feel myself renewed; loving you endlessly, never resisting or submitting an appeal, willingly walking away from what is real.

In a way, you are the tangible soul of a full life and everything in it's pursuit;

Both in sadness and in madness, in dysphoria and euphoria, your very fingertips hold fine life—the sick and healthy present of this vast, meaningless human existence.

I sometimes even question myself; 'Why is it her I make my muse?'

I sometimes even find myself answering 'no' to the question 'Is this life of no use?'

There is a gentile, sensible, exquisitely distinct atmosphere which floats about your being and draws me as a deserted nightlight attracts a sole moth.

I run to you mindlessly, mechanically, following a fluttering beauty so full of life as a cat does, seeking the delightful enrichment of my soul which I have only ever found in you.

[pisceanpharies]

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

bad wolf soda <3

[su3asideal]

if i don't loath myself then what's the purpose of my life?

that unsavory loathsome image in the mirror is the purpose of my life

[knotty-et-al]

Vanishing memories - shades of shattered deception

puzzling oneself,

piece by piece;

finding remedy

in the process

of coming at peace

with one's own shattered perception:

deceptive, it was.

Now, where to start?

How to assembly the pieces of oneself?

brick by brick;

There is so much life

in-between all these shrapnels.

Coming to realize:

"I was born to destroy,

just as much as I was born to create."

There has been a will

to find a way to unfold oneself,

an intrinsic will to live,

despite all objective and subjective futility.

Life will find its way.

As I wade in swamps of shrapnel,

and while I seem to dissolve

my essence will feed the patterns

that nourish life,

- the flowers, the trees, the birds,...

and my essence will return,

multiplied, feeding on its own,

by giving

and returning.

There is so much magic in the mundane,

so much beauty in the broken.

[2024/07/19]

[change-the-rules]

depression isolation is all good and well until only 4 people text you for your birthday and all but one of them are your immediate family

[13thpythagoras]

perhaps grief borrowed from the future can yield some delayed joy after they depart, after loss there is joy in the grief, and yet grief in the joy, so don't beat yourself up over passing feelings but do bask in their light 🙌

Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that

[theonion]

In an ultimately futile act some have described as courageous and others have called a mere postponing of the inevitable, existentialist firefighter James Farber delayed three deaths Monday.

“I’m no hero,” Farber said after rescuing the family from a house fire on the 2500 block of West Thacker Street, and prolonging for the time being their slow march toward oblivion. “Like any other man, I am thrown into this world, alone and terrified, to play a meaningless role in an empty life. In my case, that role happens to involve charging through towering blazes to pull helpless individuals from a sea of flames before they suffocate or are burnt alive.”

Added Farber, “That hardly makes me a paragon of virtue.”

At 2:30 a.m. Monday, the alarm sounded at Farber’s station house, causing the despondent firefighter to emerge from a deep malaise and, though still absorbed by the sense of dread that has preoccupied him since youth, respond promptly to the request for assistance at the home of Stanley and Joyce Morgenstern.

According to department officials, Farber, a 13-year veteran of Ladder Company 8, climbed through a kitchen window and, despite carrying with him a heavy burden of alienation, managed to see all three members of the family to safety.

“He came out the front door with a body slung over each shoulder, and seconds later there was this big fireball and beams started falling and the whole thing caved in,” neighbor Judy Neal said. “When it was all over, he just sort of stood there emotionless and silent, as if nothing had happened at all.”

“I think I even saw him shrug,” she added. Full Story

[literallys-illiteracy]

CW: Mentions of SA.

"How would the fears (The Magnus Archives) manifest sexually?" - Reddit

Weirdly enough this relates back into a project im working on (going over all the interesting intersections between different fears and how they overlap).

To begin with, the easiest to relate to this scenario is the Corruption (Unhealthy love, toxicity. Manifesting as harmful relationships, rot in the bond you built your life on);

The Flesh+Eye. The Flesh is insufficiency, the fear that no matter what you do, no matter how you alter your body, you will never be enough for your partner. In the words of the Bone Rose "To Be Loved You Must Be Less" The Eye too encompasses this fear in the sense that you are brutally aware of each and every failing in yourself.

The Flesh can also independently function in this form, being how you mentioned in the sense of being nothing more than an object of desire. The Eye also includes this fear arguably, worried that you are seen as such compared to the belief that you are.

There is the same Eye as you had mentioned, the fear of being recorded, of having videos or photos spread around, having a thousand unknown eyes on your most vulnerable states in every passing moment. If these videos have been taken for the use of extortion, or to force you into fulfilling more sexual acts, this too falls under the category of the Web, the fear of being manipulated, no means of escape (entrapment, even in the mental form, also applies to the Buried); The Spider can also been seen in a similar scenario as the Corruption, with less outwardly harmful, extremely manipulative relationships.

The Vast encompassess the same existentialist concept as the Flesh's latter concept for this, the idea that you as a human have little more value than your meat, allowing you to disregard yourself, to be seen as insignificant.

The Buried, Web, and Vast all collectively contribute to isolation in various forms, alongside the Corruption in the concept of an unhealthy dependency on one singular person, the prior three all containing elements of entrapment (or inability to escape, helplessness, etc.)

The Desolation is fairly straightforward, being the fear of pain. The fear of being hurt, of being assaulted; The psychological pain, each fleeting moment of respite scorched by the lingering wound in your mind. The burning reminders every time you take a look in the mirror, reliving the pain in whole for each instant you dwell on those memories.

The Hunt also encompasses this same idea, the idea of being hunted, of an overwhelming threat that lurks just out of sight, being stalked, being followed home. The moments of clarity and helplessness. The Hunt is really just what it says on the tin, there's not that much more to it. Even I, a person deeply interested in the psychological aspects of these fears, cannot comment much further here

The Stranger, The Spiral, and The Dark are all various flavors of the fear of the unknown, all taking manifestations of this same concept: The Dark is the purest concept, the not knowing what becomes of you, the complete and total helplessness that comes with not being able to see when, where, who or how; The spiral is then a fear of losing one's right mind, being drugged, reliving distorted moments of bliss and dread, no longer knowing the true memories from the false, never remembering reality to begin with; The Stranger is twofold, not knowing yourself, and not knowing others. The Stranger may contribute to the situations of manipulation and abuse from before, love bombing followed by harsh violence, not knowing how your lover will react, never fully understanding them or knowing who they are; Alternatively, the loss of your self, no longer seeing yourself as a real person, no longer recognising your own face in the mirror, for lack of a better term coming to mind, depersonalisation.

The Stranger could also manifest in the sense that you cannot recognise the faces that have assaulted you, each clearly laid out, indescribable and shifting upon each glance, always recognisable from just out of focus. This nature of never seeing these faces too may relate back to the Spiral, the fear that you are going mad.

The Spiral and Stranger also have overlap with another previous pairing, the Flesh and The Eye, alongside the Buried, for the culmination that is Body/Gender dysmorphia/dysphoria. The idea that you do not recognise your body, that you are nonetheless trapped in that body, each flaw and contradiction between your mind and form clear for examination. The fear that your body was never wrong, only your mind.

The Lonely, very much self explanatory, the fear that you will never find another person, the clarity and reflection each moment spent alone in desire. (I'm mostly ace so I don't have much to add for the sexual side of this, just imagine I made some comment on masturbation here I guess?) The Lonely too represents the fear of becoming as the former, the clinging to unhealthy relationships, the making less of yourself all to not be alone. (this is ironic considering that in Cul-De-Sac the statement giver basically got relationship counseling from the Lonely).

The Buried, mentioned in passing many times, represents the concept of entrapment virtually in whole (This has natural overlap with The Spider, The Vast, The End, and The Flesh), both physical "trapped with too little space" and the "crushing" knowledge that you are trapped in your current life for this endless moment. The Buried is counterparting the Lonely here, the fear of being stuck in those harmful relationships, the fear that you will be consumed in whole and never be able to leave.

Finally (because Slaughter is fairly self explanatory): The End, not only the fear of death (however in various situations {extortion, threats, assault} it may be for this) but also the fear of endings. The end can be understood akin to the Death tarot, being transitory periods rather than exclusively the literal death of a person: The fear that your relationship won't last, that this pleasure is only temporary, that each thing, no matter how lovely in the moment, will end in sadness. The End naturally has overlap with every other fear in.. basically all contexts actually, as does the Eye. In the nature of relationships or sex the End has the most overlap (In my view) with The Desolation, both encompassing the fears inherent to breakups, the knowledge that if- When this ends, it will burn you irreparably.

I am so sorry for rambling this long askjhfgasjfh. Also this seems to have turned from "Sexual manifestations" into "relationships" halfway through, I don't apologise, it was more interesting this way.

[sashiepoo]

why houseki no kuni is important

the contemporary train of thought, to nobody's surprise, is highly existentialist. more than that, it is an eternally reverberating set of waves spawned by individuals whose thoughts swing back and forth like broken pendulums swinging between ephemeral states of positivity and eternal states of negativity. everybody wants to emulate themselves as happier than they are, despite constantly self sabotaging themselves. i always think back to houseki no kuni whenever i see these sorts of thoughts manifest in any space, be it in the comments of a tiktok, a conversation with a friend, listening to a random youtube video, and frankly present in just the implications of really anything postmodern. this sense of dread permeates through everything that we exist within, and it is easier said than done to dispel it.

houseki no kuni is a dark fantasy work that centers around gems, a species with an extremely small population that inhabit a large island, where they simply focus on surviving through their relatively long lifespans. the plot is significantly pushed forth by invasions from an extraterrestrial species known as the lunarians. the work is a beautiful look into what exactly constitutes the incredible breadth of emotions experienced by individuals, as well as a retrospective on finding meaning and understanding what to make of our inherent goals and the relationships and connection-dependent bonds that make up the human conditions. this work will contain spoilers for houseki no kuni's ending and i will mostly be discussing it vaguely as a product of the story rather than something akin to an in-depth analysis or even a thematic overview

the reason i bring up the idea of existentialism as a pendulum is that i think houseki no kuni represents this exact pendulum, taken to its utter extremes, where the tragedies and experiences of phosphophyllite seem to reflect how i view my own life. briefly looking at the process of phos as a character, we see that from the very first moment they can recall, all they ever wanted was to be useful to people. they feel this inherent debt towards the people around them, some that are seemingly based in a desire for approval and others that stem from a desire to simply provide unconditionally for those around them. a lot of works look at this sort of dichotomy between self-sacrifice and selfishness, and the possibility that both are not mutually exclusive outcomes, and i think that houseki no kuni is no exception however it applies an interesting perspective to it.

the first thing that we need to understand about phos is that their desire to help others doesn't just come from nowhere. it is a product of the society that they live in, and it is not as if the gems live by rules and implied ideas that are any different than ours. when you judge a member of society, in your own world, i want you to think about what fairly objective metric you would use to determine their worth? while there are a few valid answers, i think most of them would be based on their contributions, or some extension of their character that you think is a net positive on society. in the land of the lustrous (see what i did there), there is a heavy emphasis on survival, and the value of individuals is determined by the qualities that contribute the most to the society (hardness and capability as a fighter seem to be clear determinants of the hierarchy) and if you can't fight, your other methods of contribution, such as rutile's ability to fix the broken gems. as such, phos's desire to contribute, while seemingly based in self-sacrifice is really just a product of their own desire to be acknowledged. but this is not to say that phos is selfish, because they are a genuinely kind gem, and while we see several gems that maintain this order, contribute and are self-sacrificing in similar manners, a lot of them do it out of self-preservation, whereas phos has a desire to simply just help. they want to feel as if they're a part of the greater society

part of what makes this idea of self-sacrifice inherently disagreeable and difficult to extend to a lot of people's individual lives is exactly that they feel highly individualistic. in a world where there is everybody (8 billion is not a small number) people are inclined to think that there is only them that matters. even if we consider that there are a special few that we let into our lives and view as special, oftentimes these bonds are crude and inevitable to be broken in the pursuit of oneself ultimately the plague of individualism is exactly what separates people from the ability to unconditionally view their lives in service of others as an ouroborostic ideal, where the fulfillment of ones self stems from the fulfillment of others.

the subsequent phases of the story go through phos's increase in strength at the cost of antarcticite's life, coupled with a lot of trauma and an inability to accept the position that they always desired as a fighter. this, coupled with a distrust in kongo leads to phos's deep dive into a desire for the truth, but really it is not truth that they pursue but change because they feel it as their duty, letting it usurp and become them, as the pressure of this duty breaks phos on and on.

as we move through the story, we see phos sacrifice bits and pieces of themself, both metaphorically, and literally, as they attempt to satisfy every goal and every task requested of them, and when it boils down to it, they either are unable to fulfill any of it, or fail at doing so. this slow burn through the story, while essentially exposition, is crafted in such a compelling manner. you can truly feel the disappointment the characters experience in phos, and the disappointment they experience in themselves. this manifests itself ultimately in a destruction of all of phos's ideals that they spawned in with. their shift back to individualism is viewed as a negative thing for a lot of readers, and while the context of the story does a lot of heavylifting for the viewer's frame of mind, there should be no surprise that people tend to scorn individualistic frameworks of thought.

it is not as if ichikawa is inherently disregarding phos's pursuit of the truth as a bad thing, but i think the idea that you should do it entirely by yourself is something that Ichikawa considers self-destructive, which i think is the main idea behind everything up until chapter 80ish, where phos decides to make kongo pray. this is where the rest of the story funnels into its big sacrifice for phos. the big twist, where phos is left with nothing but themself for 10000 years. over this time, phos has tons to reflect on everything that the gems did to betray their trust and good will, and despite all of this, phos still decides to pray. following this, phos even sacrifices themself finally.

i don't want to talk at length about this portion of houseki no kuni for a couple of reasons. one is that there are tons of incredibly intelligent and perceptive people that have written about phos's prayer, and shared their perspectives, the good and the bad about it, and i find my thoughts to be nothing unique and mostly a reflection of the general consensus. what i do want to touch on, is ichikawa's final thoughts. what happens after the prayer?

first thing to point out is phos's very obvious realization. they sacrificed everything when all they really wanted was to be loved. they desired change, truth, love, but never really did anything to satisfy their own craving for love, just missions that they hoped would serve as a means to that end.

phos ends up finding a new species, new people to love and people that love them. and they live out their happy years until the sun comes to envelope them. phos feels committed to their duty and decides to stay back to sacrifice themself to the sun, and this ultimate act of self-sacrifice is i think what has brought me to the core of houseki no kuni

it was one of the most raw, and rough endings of all time, and it was filled with moments that were hard to really rationalize, and an unusual explanation of a lot of the things that were inherent to the story, but in the end, all that was left was phosphophyllite

and phosphophyllite was light... really light... there was really nothing left of them besides their goal. when everything was fully erased, that inherent desire never truly left, and so they hope they can brighten someone's day.

people feel so often that they have no purpose, and that they cannot feel loved by anyone, and yet they will never acknowledge their inherent need to love, and their inherent need to acknowledge their purpose. repressing and burdening yourself over the years with all of these thoughts, only for the most fleeting, light, and authentic portion of yourself to still yearn for you to maybe get yourself out of the passenger seat and drive it yourself. the desire to be loved is not one that can be enacted passively, and the desire for purpose is not something that can be enacted actively. to be loved and to love, and to act for your purpose, and act as a means to your purpose. houseki no kuni reminds you what exactly to pursue.

[jeanclamence]

Emerging from the shadows, essence draws over everything as a curtain draws over a window.

Although, I do not miss the view, I am doleful at being stripped of the light which only the window could provide me.

I may never be able to move the curtain again. Should a miracle or some powerful mysticism happen, granting me the ability to move the curtain aside once more, the light which flows in will be new, and will never be, as it once was, familiar again.

[leohtttbriar]

La'An: You're lucky Uhura likes to monitor local comm traffic and was able to block your signal.

lucky uhura is such a narc and a nerd? a wildly proactive worker? what does “likes to monitor” mean anyway. is she doing this in her free time like a dad pretending like his mid-century transistor radio is gathering soviet intel. is she going above and beyond in her desk-duty. does she just have “local comm traffic” playing in the background while doing other duties and sometimes if she notices a comm trying to traffic that shouldn’t she blocks it—because she likes to? weirdly?

maybe. in her limited obligations as a low-ranking communications officer, she likes to keep a small-bit of attention on the lo-fi sounds of “local comm traffic”, which i assume is every combination of transmittable radiation as well as an artistic rendering of data gathered from gravitational waves and big-bang-static and hopefully some sort of communication tech unlimited by the speed of light, and in this density of “local traffic” she’s found familiarity and control and a reign free of the anxiety of true judgement and she can simply respond in a regulation manner to things that do not belong—meeting vastness with a sense of ability, answering to an existentialist dread that would fill anyone should they be so exposed constantly to the radiative comms of all things. or she’s a narc and nerd.

[omegaphilosophia]

The Philosophy of Angst

The philosophy of angst explores the existential experience of deep, often vague anxiety about one’s life, purpose, and place in the world. Rooted in existentialism, the concept of angst was extensively discussed by philosophers like Søren Kierkegaard, Martin Heidegger, and later Jean-Paul Sartre, as a fundamental feeling that confronts individuals with the freedom and burden of their own existence.

Key Themes in the Philosophy of Angst

Existential Anxiety: Angst is different from ordinary fear, which has a specific object or threat. Existential angst arises without a clear reason; it is a sense of profound unease about existence itself. This kind of anxiety questions the stability of one’s identity, meaning, and purpose, often triggered by the awareness of one’s freedom and isolation.

Freedom and Responsibility: In existential philosophy, angst is often a response to the realization of one’s freedom. With unlimited choices comes the weight of responsibility, as each choice shapes one's identity and values. Angst confronts the individual with the vast, open-ended possibilities of existence, making them aware that their life has no inherent script.

Heidegger’s Concept of Angst: Heidegger, in Being and Time, describes angst as the feeling that arises when Dasein (human existence) confronts its own nothingness, or the absence of fixed meaning. For Heidegger, angst reveals the “nothingness” underlying existence, forcing Dasein to come to terms with the groundlessness of being and the need to define oneself through authentic choices.

Kierkegaard’s Concept of Angst: Kierkegaard, one of the earliest philosophers to discuss angst, saw it as a “dizziness of freedom.” He argued that angst arises from the individual’s potential to act freely and to shape their existence in different ways. This freedom leads to a feeling of dread as one realizes the responsibility to make meaningful choices without guaranteed outcomes.

Angst and the Absurd: Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus later explored angst in the context of the absurd—life’s inherent lack of meaning or purpose. For Sartre, angst emerges from the realization that individuals must create their own values in a world devoid of predetermined purpose, while Camus explored how angst challenges one to confront or rebel against the absurdity of existence.

Authenticity and Inauthenticity: For existentialists, confronting angst is an opportunity to live authentically, recognizing one’s freedom and limitations. Authenticity involves accepting one’s existential anxiety and living in a way that reflects one’s true self, rather than conforming to societal expectations. Inauthenticity, by contrast, is when one evades angst by losing oneself in social roles, routines, or distractions.

Death and Finitude: Angst often arises from a deep awareness of mortality and finitude, as the individual confronts the transient nature of life and the inevitability of death. This confrontation with death challenges people to live fully and meaningfully, emphasizing the importance of present choices and the uniqueness of one’s existence.

Philosophical Implications of Angst

Awareness of Mortality: Angst makes individuals more acutely aware of death and finitude, compelling them to reflect on how they live and what they value. This awareness is central to existential ethics, which emphasizes living consciously and fully in light of life’s impermanence.

Existential Freedom and Responsibility: Angst underscores the weight of existential freedom, highlighting that humans are responsible for their actions and the direction of their lives. This freedom is simultaneously liberating and burdensome, as individuals realize that they alone are accountable for creating meaning in an indifferent world.

Rejection of Predefined Meaning: Angst challenges the notion that life has an inherent or universal meaning, urging individuals to look inward for purpose and value. This perspective encourages a personal, subjective approach to ethics and identity, grounded in one’s unique experiences and aspirations.

The Need for Authenticity: Confronting angst can lead to a more authentic mode of existence, where individuals embrace their individuality, uncertainty, and freedom. Authenticity involves rejecting conformity and embracing a life that reflects one’s true values and beliefs, even in the face of anxiety and doubt.

Role in Modern Psychology and Therapy: The existential understanding of angst has influenced therapeutic approaches, particularly existential psychotherapy, which helps people confront anxiety, death, and freedom to find personal meaning. Therapists encourage individuals to see angst not as something to escape but as an opportunity for self-discovery and growth.

[su3asideal]

i exist to be miserable in the worst possible way.

[nympho-maenad]

July. 11, 2025 | 20.

i wish i believed in God

the older I get, the more fearful I grow of my prospective godless existence. I mean that in full sincerity.

Without God, or a belief in some absolute truth, I find myself constantly attempting to justify my own existence. Instead of killing time I need to do something "worthwhile". I tell myself I'm here to create. At some point, that's something I really believed. If I was really here for that, why is it so hard? Why does it take such enormous coercion to pull myself into any "meaningful action". If I believe in community, where are my actual contributions of action beyond internal glorification and romanticization of my own virtue? I'm starting to question if I even believe the virtues I repeat to myself. Above all, I can't get past the idea that meaning is generated, synthesized, brought up from the dirt. Meaning must constantly be created, I have to create it in myself. I wish I didn't have to convince myself of everything, I wish I had some Truth, anything.

The more I read diaries and essays of existentialists and nihilists, the more familiar the fears feel. I read their words as if they were spoken to me by another frightened traveler, someone who's been caught in the dark for a long, long time. The dread. The angst. The reality of it. I hate to think that this feeling will only get worse as I age.

I need to find God fast, or make myself indispensable to a community; otherwise, the search for self-justification will be lifelong, and God, I'd prefer not to. Then again, the spirit of humanity clings to life, and I suppose I do too, so that's something.