#fixation.arc

[ua-monoma]

Monoma presses his forehead to the wood, one hand pressed to the door, the other wrapped around the golden knob that never quite got fixed on right. He's on the brink of panicking and he can feel it, in his chest, in his stomach, in his mouth as the phantom taste of blood builds up and up as he bites down hard on the inside of his cheek.

It's not enough to just want them to be okay. They're past that at this point. His terror overwhelms any thoughts of what transpired before now. All he wants- all he needs is to know if Iida is okay- okay, and still his.

After gulping down a few more breaths, he almost makes to open the door-- when he stops. He shouldn't assume, especially with the seemingly omniscient threat looming over their heads. Especially with Iida's earlier coldness... It's far too likely that he wouldn't be welcome, or that he'd be intruding...

So, slowly, he gives his door a few hesitant knocks. "Iida-kun," he calls out shakily. "It's me. I... if you don't-- ... I don't have to come in, if you don't want me to. I-I can go..”

@ua-iida

[ua-monoma]

Being back in the 1-A dorms didn’t feel right.

Monoma could barely believe it. Literally the day before, he had wandered through the building, marveling at how comfortable he was, how-... he wouldn’t dare say he felt “at home”, but, something very close to it...

... And now...

His skin seemed to burn as he went to Midoriya’s room. No one had found out yet, judging by the lack of people coming after him, but it still felt like he had eyes watching him from every angle. Judging him. Hating him. He deserved it, after all...

He stopped in front of the door, swallowing down his self-hate for a moment before he gathered the strength to knock on the door, hoping he would let him in quick before he was seen.

@ua-deku

[ua-monoma]

Nightmares.

[ua-monoma]

Don't get too relieved. No one has forgiven you yet. ✨

...

[ua-monoma]

WHO'S THE BETTER KISSER, DEKU OR BAKUGOU?

Both were equally terrible.

[ua-monoma]

monoma 1:55 AM

@ua-iida  hi.

iida 1:55 AM

Hello.

monoma 1:57 AM

.. how are you

iida 1:58 AM

I'm alright. How about you? How are you feeling right now?

monoma 2:01 AM

pissed off tbh

not at you though

just the... mystery stuff again.

not just that but also everyone else that seems to be jumping on it... I don't know how much you've been following

You're not in the chat a lot anymore.

iida 2:03 AM

I try to stay away from Mystery as much as possible. For my own good.

The chat got too hectic for me to handle. I think the teachers do a better job than I do, anyway...

Plus it isn't exactly welcoming...

monoma 2:03 AM

It's not. It's literally just fighting all the time.

Plus it's bugged anyway.

But it has its uses...

iida 2:04 AM

Bugged?

monoma 2:05 AM

There's "a wolf among us"

Like a traitor, or probably just someone who hacked in and is looking

idk

Kendou 2:06 AM

(from Monoma's phone) Oh c dzfy tgc I am not sure hgfdsxb l of the fffffffffffffffffffffffff shhh y

2

2

iida 2:06 AM

....

monoma 2:06 AM

DAMN IT

SORRY

That was Kendou

She's a baby right now.

A baby that's about to get locked in a closet--

iida 2:07 AM

Oh--Did she get hit by the same quirk you were hit with as well?

monoma2:08 AM

I think so. Can't remember anything, she's the same age too.

Lot to handle... kind of fun though.

Anyway,,

... idk. A lot has been happening and I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to see you and

I miss you... 

I kind of just felt like saying that

iida 2:10 AM

I miss you as well.

I've been lonely.

monoma 2:10 AM

... I'm sorry

If I'd known that, I would've been there..

I mean, I still can be, obviously...

... After Kendou is back to normal

iida 2:12 AM

Focus on taking care of Kendou-san first. Take a lot of pictures while you can.

...Like I did.

monoma 2:13 AM

[Sends a selfie of himself and Kendou. They're forming a heart together with their joined hands.]

I am.

You never showed me all of the pictures. >:(

iida 2:14 AM

That is absolutely adorable.

monoma 2:15 AM

Ehehehe

iida  2:15 AM

I'd like to keep those pictures for myself!!

monoma 2:15 AM

Wh-WHY

I mean, that's fine...pff

I miss you a lot

iida 2:16 AM

Hopefully when things settle down, we can talk properly.

monoma 2:18 AM

Talk properly or... "talk properly."

That thing we keep not doing.

I'm starting to get afraid we're never gonna get a chance to do that, haha..

iida 2:21 AM

....

monoma 2:21 AM

...sorry

iida 2:21 AM

Well. If even if we don't talk, I suppose that is alright. 

There is no immediate need for any clarity anyway.

monoma 2:23 AM

I guess

can i say something

actually two somethings

iida 2:24 AM

Sure.

monoma 2:25 AM

I love you

a lot

and I hate the messages I'm getting... and you're getting

because I looked at them a lil a few minutes ago

and, y'know, I have... bad experience with, uh, messages...and it fucking sucks seeing all these strangers just kind of

ugh

likethe whole obsessing thing and acting like they love you when they don't

iida 2:28 AM

... It is a bit disturbing.

But you do know you are the only one I have my eyes on, right?

monoma 2:32 AM

Yeah...

...

I wasn't worried about that

idk

I do love you and

I know I've been saying this already but

I do wanna get better in showing that

and prove all them wrong... because they are wrong

and it's not like I think you believe them or anything, it just got to me. Because they don't know anything but they act like they do and

I'm rambling idk if any of this makes sense

iida 2:34 AM

It does make sense.

monoma 2:34 AM

I love you

iida 2:35 AM

...It's not necessary to explain yourself to me... 

Actions do speak louder than words do, after all.

monoma 2:36 AM

Yeah and I act shitty. Which is why I wanna say it...

iida 2:37 AM

Hmm.

monoma 2:37 AM

...

... I know you believe me. Or I hope so. I guess I'm just afraid of the day you decide you don't anymore

iida 2:38 AM

If the day ever comes, I know you will be alright.

You are very loved, after all.

As you should be.

monoma 2:38 AM

I wouldnt be

iida 2:41 AM

If I may be honest, this road that is laden with uncertainties does not excite me at all. Perhaps this may all be for nothing. Or it could end in both of us going down in flames. No matter how it ends, though, you will always hold a special place in my heart. At the very least, that cannot be taken away from me.

monoma 2:41 AM

... mine too

... that was gonna be the second something

except now i dont wanna say it lol

iida 2:43 AM

I hope you come to understand yourself and your emotions and be happy someday, Monoma-kun. Even if it isn't with me.

monoma 2:45 AM

I don't want to be happy without you

iida 2:47 AM

You may have to learn to do so.

monoma 2:50 AM

I don't want to though.

iida 2:52 AM

You may fall in love with someone else. Someone better. And you will be able to be happy without me. I do not think you needed me to be happy in the first place-- you are whole with or without me by your side.

I want you to remember that.

monoma 2:59 AM

... okay

iida  3:01 AM

Alright.

monoma 3:03 AM

... can i say my second something now

or should i just drop it

iida 3:10 AM

Just say it. If it's that important.

monoma 3:16 AM

[Sends a picture of a sleeping Kendou tucked into her bed.]

I got her to sleep

... Anyway

...

Okay. I'm really, really sorry that it's... been so hard with me. And I'm really trying. I try harder every day and it's really hard

And it.

...I'm really grateful that you're patient with me but

idk I wish you'd lose your patience with me more

or idk,

you tell me stuff is okay and then I believe you and then shit builds up and I can sense that but then you keep saying it's okay and then I fuck up and that's when you tell me anything

but anything between and I don't really know how you're feeling as much and idk, I feel like you're always taking care of me and I'm always trying to take care of myself but I don't get to try and take care of you

And idk if its because you feel like I don't have the right to or if you feel like I honestly cant or

or if it's because I make it too hard to

... idk what I'm saying really. I think I just feel like a burden on you constantly and there's nothing I can do about it

and I want to help you but maybe I just keep trying to look for ways to help you that aren't the ones you asked for

Ugh

I'm sorry

I want to be honest with you

iida  3:52 AM

Monoma-kun, the reason why I try to be as understanding as I can is because I feel like you need that support. People cannot always be at their best and that is alright. I don't expect you to help me in return nor do I think you are obligated to. I help you because I want to. I just need to understand the reasons behind some of your actions. I am alright enough to deal with my own emotions. And while I am still alright, I'd like to help you take steps to being alright, too.

But I cannot do that if you don't communicate with me.

monoma 4:27 AM

... okay

iida 4:39 AM

If there is something you want, I need you to tell me. 

What do you want me to do? What do you want us to be? 

Because I have been trying to read between these lines you draw but I cannot understand.

monoma 5:40 AM

... Can you list what you don't understand maybe

It'll help

sorry

I wanna answer these questions now but also idk

iida  6:03 AM

... Well.

I don't understand what you want us to be.

We have mutual feelings for each other-- we've established that. But then you go off and kiss one of my best friends before talking to me about anything.

You don't owe me an explanation, we aren't in a relationship, but, it does.. hurt. It confuses me still. And if there weren't other pressing matters I would still be upset.

monoma 6:10 AM

...

it's not like I planned that... He was the one that kissed me first and...

I mean, I assumed he would've told you this by now

And I know it's still largely my fault and I'm sorry about that but like

...idk

I get... swept up... I don't think about it

when it's happening, anyway

And I don't feel anything about it, I mean. I don't feel... anything for Midoriya

Kind of the point sometimes is just not feeling anything at all tbh

I do want... us.  though.... 

(I'd feel weird actually talking about us through text though..)

iida 6:40 AM

Do you want "us" because you legitimately do, or because you are lonely?

Sorry, that is a bit too heavy to ask over text.

I am just.

Wondering.

And I am never brave enough to ask you face to face anyway.

monoma 6:41 AM

Oh

Legitimately.

I never really got lonely until after we started spending time together

iida 6:45 AM

Ah.

Alright.

There's still a few things I don't understand, but, I think this is a conversation we should have in person.

Hopefully with no distractions.

monoma 6:47 AM

... Hopefully

iida  6:47 AM

It's very late.. We should get rest.

monoma  6:47 AM

Yeah

This was good I think...haha

iida 6:50 AM

It was.

monoma 6:59 AM

Goodnight then.

iida 7:00 AM

Good night, Monoma-kun. Sleep well.

monoma 7:12 AM

You too

[ua-monoma]

Hmmmm? You seem down, Monoma. Want me to relieve you of your problems again? ❤️

…

Can’t really say no to you, can I…?

[ua-monoma]

BITCH WTF WOULD YOU BE OKAY WITH IIDA MAKING OUT WITH SEN OR WHOEVER ELSE? NO RIGHT?? BUT THEN YOU WOULDNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL HIM NOT TO. ITS THE SAME FOR IIDA. HES NOT OKAY WITH WHAT HAPPENED BUT HE CANT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

If. He. Wanted. To go and make out with Kaibara or anyone… Whatever. 

Whatever.

He can. 

Don’t any of you fucking get it…? We’re not in a relationship. Who the fuck gives a shit.

[ua-monoma]

If it counts I think you and Deku would be be much better together. Less toxic

... W-who the...

There is nothing between me and Midoriya. Not-... Not like that. We’re not getting together-- We’re not-- anything. 

And Iida and I aren’t... toxic... what in the hell--

[ua-monoma]

monoma

@ua-chargebolt ...

Kaminari Denki

Well, that was... awkward AF.

monoma

sorry

Kaminari 

Dare I ask?

monoma

please dont

Kaminari 

Well... Look, I saw your post earlier so... that's why I suggested you just come over here.

You seem like you don't want to be in your room alone rn

monoma

...they. 

they knew about a dream i had

Kaminari Denki

Also I can trust you to be... platonic about it

monoma

i think im being paranoid they could've easily just assumed it or whatever but it was too...

what they said was too close to the reality of it

Kaminari Denki

And you never talked about it with anyone?

monoma

... i made a post about it

but it was vague

idk

i think i'm reading too much into it

Kaminari Denki

I mean, I wouldn't blame you for it.

Maybe I'm being paranoid about this, but really. 

This is.... really unsettling me.

monoma

yeah..

Kaminari Denki

Can I... ask you something? Just.. one of the things that mystery person said that's sticking with me.

monoma

what

Kaminari Denki

It's just... they were talking about the people who are spiraling around me -- not like I've not noticed that happening with some people-- and... how they were going to just... spiral into the dark. And take me with them if I let them.

Wouldn't happen to have any insight on that, would you?

monoma

,

is there. any chance you can elaborate

on what you. or them. might mean by that

i mean, what are you implying

Kaminari Denki

Would you consider it outside the realm of possibility that I might be worried about you, among others?

I'm just... look one of the comments reminded me of all those times we really had it out arguing.

And that time I said that I'd want to save you if something happened to you.

Btw, I'm probably going to have a similar conversation with Sen at some point, just cos it wouldn't be the first time I've worried about him

monoma

okay

idk

so are you asking if i'm okay or are you asking if i'm seconds from going off the deep end

Kaminari Denki

Mostly the first one. And I wouldn't say deep end but... I just know that sometimes you get piled on, and that probably feels... isolating. I mean, hell, the villain also implied someone might get kidnapped or something so... there's just... a handful of people I'm nervous about losing. One way or another.

monoma

ah

no i'm not okay

Kaminari Denki

I... don't suppose you feel up to elaborating?

monoma

i am. very not okay

scale of 1 to 10 it's a -1000

Kaminari Denki

Jeez.

The hell's going on?

monoma

stuff

Kaminari Denki

Yes, I gathered that. Well... if you'd like to be around someone, even if it's just not talking.... offer stands. I'm trying to distract myself by finishing my math homework, which is saying something.

monoma

thanks

idk

...

do you know how iida's been doing

he was targeted to, right......idk

Kaminari Denki

Yeah, he was... this person seems to be attacking in very purposeful pairs...

Do... you want me to check on him?

monoma

...

i want to see him

i just dont feel like i'm allowed to rn

idk

Kaminari Denki

I suppose you'd feel much better if you could actually see him... when was the last time you talked with him?

monoma

this weekend

Kaminari Denki

Did it leave things... badly? Or

monoma

yes

Kaminari Denki

Oh. Well... it's been some time, right?

I don't think the silence would last forever.

monoma

yeah

Kaminari Denki

Monoma... Iida loves you, I'm sure of it.

monoma

...

Kaminari Denki

You know I'm right.

[ua-monoma]

You dodged a bullet yesterday, huh? Don't worry. One day the blood on your hands will be real. Your nightmares will be realized. And it will feel just as bad as you fear it will be. ... Worse, even. ✨

,,

[ua-monoma]

I guess red is your color after all, seeing as it’s all over the knife you stabbed Baku with

,,

[ua-monoma]

What exactly are you planning on doing to make this right, then? Your guilt isn't going to save him. Do something.

Wh-what am i supposed to do

[ua-monoma]

Youre such a fucking pissbaby omg youre not the victim here AT ALL, have you even considered maybe talking to iida about any of this or what

I-I never said I was… I know I’m not…

[ua-monoma]

IF YOU LOVED HIM YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS TO HIM

,

[ua-monoma]

Hun, you best calm d o w n. We all do stupid things but no one needs this much salt, you need snuggles and support smh. Maybe some scolding, but snuggles and support mostly... If you need a little hide out, my room is always open, I promise you sweets and glitter. Eat some candy-

… sorry…

I’m… I’m just really not in the mood for candy or anything right now. … thanks though.