#get rid of clutter and get rid of old stuff

[aidenwaites]

A thing about me is if im gonna use a notebook for something it's going to get a Dedicated Notebook for that purpose and which i cannot use for anything else. Which means I have so many notebooks. Five of which are currently actively in use

[g1rld1ary]

let things go - ex!james potter x reader (kind of)

wc: 4455

summary: cleaning out your apartment so your boyfriend can move in, you come across a box of mementos and discover you're maybe not as over your ex as you thought | angst, swearing, problematic boyfriend (not james), a bit of misogyny, lots of flashbacks, modern!magic!AU

me: this is maybe the angstiest fic i've ever written and i'm sorry that present james isnt in it, but i do have ideas for where his story could go, so if people like this i'm open to writing a second part! based off the song let things go from ordinary days!!

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You stared around your apartment, hands on your hips as you mentally prepared to make it your bitch. With Britney Spears’ Circus album playing and garbage bags at your disposal, you were sure you were ready.

You wondered how you could’ve ever considered the place not big enough for all your belongings, grimacing as you imagined the bomb-site it would soon become. But that’s why you were cleaning, right? For the greater good, because you deserve to live in a place not cluttered by trinkets and things stuffed in places they don’t belong. Or maybe because you’re boyfriend had decided he was moving in. Who could say, really?

You flung open a closet door, unimpressed at the mass of clothes seemingly defying physics to stay off the floor. My life has to be more than the sum of this… stuff you thought to yourself, turning your back on that. The closet was scaring you too much to start, you should pick something easier. You looked up at the bookshelf, teeming with novels you’d long since loved, and told yourself to grow up. Today was the day you started cleaning things out. Today was the day you’d start letting things go.

Hours later, you’d made a start and not much else. You stood in the centre of your bedroom, your whole entire history strewn across the floor. Fetched from a box deep in the back of your closet, a treasure trove of trinkets lay in front of you as you decided what you had to get rid of. Years-old planners, dog-eared postcards. Why was I even keeping these? You asked yourself, laughing at the ridiculous thought of you even holding onto frivolous mementos all these years.

But then you shot yourself in the foot. You almost saw it from an outside perspective, bending down, fingers dusting lightly over the various souvenirs until they curled around the planner, decorated with stickers and photos taped to the front. You recognised it immediately, the planner you had for seventh year.

Your stomach dropped as the memories smacked you in the face and you were on the floor before you knew it, furiously thumbing through the pages.

september 1st - first day of seventh year!

september 27th - hogsmeade date with james <3

october 5th - study with james 4pm

october 31st - halloween! common room party 8pm: make sure james’ costume is ready!!!!

november 23rd - sirius’ birthday party 8:30pm

december 25th - christmas at the potters! make sure gifts are here for effy and monty

january 1 - new years day!! to do: kiss jamie <3

february 14th - valentines day! date with james 7pm

april 9th - easter lunch with the potters

may 29th - graduate from hogwarts!! to do: start life with jamie

A year full of James; one of six knowing him in Hogwarts, one of four that you dated. Every other day had something involving James — help him with his essay, going to Hogsmeade with him, kiss him silly (god bless teenage hormones and being in love, why were you writing that in your academic planner?). Every new page and task brought back memory after memory of James and his dumb smile and your stupid dates and the whole relationship you thought would never end.

You snapped back into your real life, forcibly ignoring the water collecting at your lash line. You were fine, everything was fine. Your eyes strayed to a postcard, paper edges fraying and wearing thin from the amount of time you’d obviously spent re-reading and admiring it.

The design on the postcard was cute and kitschy, a vintage style beach picture with a sun lounger and palm tree. You remembered it instantly, receiving it in the post over the summer between your sixth and seventh year. You flipped it over with trembling hands, the familiar chicken scratch scrawl bringing a small smile to your face.

Hey lovie,

I am in Nice! We got in late last night and I’ve been exploring all day — remind me to show you the photos when I get back because it’s so beautiful here. We should come back here together next year.

Anyway, I’ve been walking around town and this older man asked if I fancied a shag — fancy that! I said no, thank you, I’m actually married, just to see how it felt (very good). I can’t wait to marry you when we’re older, gorgeous.

Mum and Dad are absolutely thrilled to be by the beach — I think they’ll be prunes by the time we get back to England! Will send you photos to laugh at in the next letter.

I love you!

James Potter (your future husband)

You sat for a minute, the postcard crumpling slightly from the tension between your fingers. Then, in a flash, you slammed the postcard down on the floor, staring up at the ceiling to stop yourself from crying.

You stashed the belongings back in the box, unwilling to look at them anymore but unable to throw them away. You just couldn’t get rid of all those memories. Still, you needed to clear out some room for Adam’s things, so you tentatively labelled the box ‘maybe’ to pretend you were considering getting rid of it all.

You exhaled emphatically, convincing yourself to think it over and throw it all out at the end of the day. Just after you did the rest of the room.

Things only got worse from there. You’d never thought of yourself as a hoarder of the past, but as soon as you were looking around your flat, you discovered decorative or sentimental items displayed on every surface, hidden in every drawer and cupboard. Birthday cards from years gone by, plastic souvenirs from monuments you’d travelled to, a pamphlet on Van Gogh from when your friend group went to France and wandered around the d’Orsay making fun of the paintings.

You shook your head, physically manifesting the negative thoughts leaving your head. You needed to clean all this shit out! You should’ve done it years ago.

But then you picked up a framed photo — the one that always seemed to fall face down whenever your boyfriend came around. It was your graduation photo, all your friends crammed in like sardines to fit in the shot. You were pressed into James’ side, his strong athlete’s arm wrapped snugly around you. Nothing else about the picture indicated you were a couple, which was how you rationalised keeping it up, but holding it now, you could feel all the memories rushing back to you like it had happened yesterday. The soft breeze, the smell of daisies from the grounds, your friends' beams, the feeling of James’ hands around you.

You could feel the sensation like it was current, but it all seemed like lifetimes ago. You’d seen James maybe once since your breakup, purely by accident, and it was like ripping your heart out all over again, like you were freshly eighteen and experiencing the first heartbreak of your life.

And to be honest, you could hardly remember the last time you’d even seen the rest of your friends. There was no picking sides, no ferocity or anger, but somewhere along the way, they’d faded from your life, much to your regret. Now, you spent most of your time with Adam. And Adam’s friends. Which was great.

Suddenly, you realised how much your life had changed. How much you’d changed. Adam didn’t even know you were a witch, for God’s sake!

Suddenly, the pictures weren’t just pictures, and souvenirs weren’t just hunks of plastic; they were proof that this life was yours — even if you hadn’t been living it for years. And you couldn’t let that go, you couldn’t dispose of the identity you’d just realised you’d lost. So back the trinkets went, returned to surfaces and shelves in pride of place. Small reminders that you were still who you always had been, even if you didn’t feel like it.

How did it happen? You’d torn up your apartment just to decide you couldn’t get rid of anything, painstakingly returning everything to its place.

Fuck! Adam. Adam still needed to move in —well, he still wanted to move in. So you still needed to find some room for his things. But surely he’d be fine? You could get creative, maybe move some of your mementos from out of the closet and into one of the cabinets in the hallway where Adam would never look, so you didn’t have to get rid of any of it. Or maybe some of your things could be stuffed into the spelled secret crevice where you kept your wand stashed whenever he came around.

You glanced at the clock on the wall. Adam would be over in fifteen minutes. Everything needed to go back in its place before he arrived, or all hell would break loose.

It was a known fact to you that Adam was jealous of James, even now. You’d met whilst the two of you were still dating, and Adam had, both before and after, always made comments about how you weren’t right for each other. It had irked you a bit whilst you and James were together, but then again, he was right, so… The point was, if Adam knew you were keeping all of these mementos that involved James, he’d flip.

Half an hour later, Adam arrived.

“Hey, Babe,” He unlocked the door with the key you’d given him free access to a few weeks ago, “Turn that shit off, it’s trashy.” He followed the statement with a kiss, which confused your senses. You nonetheless got up to switch off the music, changing it to an album you knew you could both enjoy, something he’d introduced you to.

“So did you clean out some of your stuff?” He fell onto the couch next to you, reaching to turn on the television. You watched him reach for the remote, sighing as you turned off the music.

“Uh, kind of,” You hesitated, searching for the right words, “I moved some things around. I’ll still have to do some work on it, but I’m sure we’ll have space!”

“Babe,” He groaned, putting an arm around the back of the couch, sitting just disconnected from your skin. “I’m moving in in a few weeks, we’ve gotta get this stuff ready. I know you’re a ‘feeler’, but it’s just stuff, you have to make compromises for me.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” You shifted in your seat, eyes glued to the television screen where Adam was clicking through programs, “It’s all just got sentimental value to me. It’s hard to get rid of any of it. But I’ll try, I promise.”

“What about I just do it? I’m sure I can put a bunch of papers and plastic snow globes in the bin.”

“No!” You said, too fast. “It’s okay, I’ll have another try and be stricter with myself. It’s just the first time I’ve looked at any of this stuff in a while. Memories, you know?”

“I get it, Babe, but we have new memories now. And we’ll make more. You don’t need a shitty hunk of plastic from eight years ago.” You made a noise of agreement, not wanting to get into any more detail about what the ‘hunks of plastic’ really were.

After the talks of moving in and cleaning out moved on, your night really was nice. Adam helped you cook some dinner, and you turned on a film he’d been talking about for a few weeks, but something still felt wrong.

You could tell Adam expected to stay over, a fair assumption, and was being touchy enough that you knew what he wanted. To your own dismay, your body was rejecting his advances, knee twitching when he laid his hand on it, subconsciously leaning away when he cuddled in or nuzzled into your neck. You didn’t want to, but everything felt wrong in the moment.

“Hey, um, I think I’m getting my period or something, my stomach feels really weird. Do you mind if we call it here?” It was a cheap shot, you knew, but also not necessarily a lie — your stomach was feeling queasy.

Adam looked at you for a minute, and you weren’t sure if his knitted brows were for concern, confusion or judgment. Probably all three.

“Sure, I guess. Do you need, like, a hot water bottle or something?”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll take a painkiller and see if it gets worse. Thanks, though.”

You accompanied him to the door, apologising again softly as he pulled on his shoes.

“It’s fine, I’ll see you soon. Love you,” He said, crossing the boundary outside of your flat. You hummed in agreement, leaning up to press a kiss on his lips.

“Bye,” You murmured, shutting the door softly as he took off. You leant against the door, a sigh escaping you.

You suddenly felt like you were in a video game, anything from your life before Adam illuminating in a glow, calling your attention to them. You stumbled through the apartment, buzzing from photo to souvenir to memento in a haze of memories.

It all came to a head in your bedroom, a box half full of things that didn’t fit in other places still sitting in the middle of the room. You sank to your knees, unable to stop yourself from immersing yourself in the years of memories you were unlocking.

You felt like you were waking up from a dream, a whole reality fading in and out of existence, the pathways of your life splintering as you looked back on where they all diverged. At what point did you make the decision that put you on this specific path? Was it worth it?

You picked up a folded paper flower from out of the box, being taken back to the day you received it.

It was the winter of fourth year, just after the Christmas holidays. The grounds of Hogwarts were covered in a blanket of crisp snow, something that most students found beautiful and calming, but you thought it was isolating, suffocating.

“What’s up, grump?” James approached your spot in the bay window of the library, staring vacantly out at the pristine white grounds. You looked up in surprise, a small smile gracing your lips.

“Just putting off my charms essay, waiting for spring to come,” You sighed. This wasn’t a new problem; all of your friends were well aware of your aversion to winter, but it didn’t mean it ever got better.

“Right,” James laughed quietly, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, “Well, I, uh, made this to help you feel better?” It came out as way more of a question than he obviously intended, causing a rosy blush on his cheeks as he revealed a paper folded flower from behind his back.

“Potter? What is this?” You asked in delight, reaching out with delicate fingers to cradle the flower in your hands.

“My mum taught me how to make them over the holidays. I thought it’d make you happy over the winter ‘cause they won’t die.” You beamed, looking up at James with bright eyes.

“That is so cute! Thank you, James.” You went to turn back to the window, thinking the conversation was over, when James cleared his throat awkwardly.

“This might be weird or whatever, so, like, don’t even worry, but would you maybe want to go to Hogsmeade with me next time?”

“Aren’t we all going together in a few weeks?” You asked casually, not fully catching on to what James meant.

“Um, yeah, but I meant just the two of us? Like a date?” James was looking anywhere but at you, a stark difference from his usual cocky, borderline obnoxious demeanour.

“Oh!” You broke out into a wide smile, nodding before you could even get the words out, “Yeah, I’d really like that!”

“Cool,” James replied, sporting his own dorky grin. “Awesome. Amazing! Can’t wait.”

“Yeah,” You agreed, a little awkward but excited nonetheless.

“Yeah.” You and James stared at each other for a moment, unsure of where to go from there. “I’ll see you at dinner then!” He waved quickly, practically leaving a trail of smoke behind him.

You watched him go, a smile still lingering on your lips. James Potter just asked you out on a date! Fancy that!

You and James had dated for the second half of fourth year, fifth through seventh year, and made it eight months after you graduated. That was a significant period of your life, pretty much all of your adolescent memories were inseparably associated with James. You put down the flower, carefully preserving it amongst the other items.

You felt a bit like a madwoman, throwing your things across the floor, jumping from memory to memory like you were a starving man coming across food for the first time.

Even the clip in your hair was a gift from him, coincidentally, the same night you met Adam for the first time.

“Here, lovie, got you a clip so you don’t have to have it in your eyes while you’re dancing.” James approached you from behind, offering you the claw clip before wrapping his arms around your middle, smoothly joining in the group’s conversation.

“Is that where you went?” You asked with a happy gasp, reaching around James to quickly put your hair up. You’d been complaining for the last hour since your group had started dancing as opposed to sitting and chatting, your outfit not quite prepared for the occasion.

“Prongs is so pussy-whipped he went to a chemist for a clip on a night out,” Sirius barked out a laugh to Remus, who just rolled his eyes with a smile.

“Forgive me for loving my beautiful girlfriend?” James asked with a spoonful of sass, placing a kiss on your cheek.

An hour later, you were dancing with the girls, carefree as you threw your arms around in the air. Lily nudged you at one point, gesturing just beyond where the boys were crowding near the bar to where another man was watching you. It wasn’t necessarily intimidating or threatening, but you were unused to attention after being so associated with your relationship for so many years. You accidentally made eye contact with him, sparing him a half smile, unsure of what the proper protocol was.

You’d long forgotten about the man once a Kesha song came on, getting lost in the music with your friends.

About an hour later, you were slowly making your way up to the bar for another drink when the man returned, approaching you with a charming smile.

“Hi, I’m Adam. You’re stunning,” He said, taking you aback with his directness.

“Oh, uh, hi. Nice to meet you,” You introduced yourself, strangely reserved.

“Are you here by yourself?” Adam asked, subtly shuffling closer. You leant back, shaking your head.

“No, I’m here with some friends. And that’s my boyfriend over there.” You pointed James out as he laughed at something Marlene said.

“That guy? No way.” Adam shook his head confidently, laughing in a way that had you a little confused. What was funny about that? When you voiced that thought, he tried to soften his statement, backpedalling a little in a way that amused you. “Sorry, it’s just… You are way out of his league. I mean that guy? He looks like every typical high school film jock who has muscles for brains. Like, does he have independent thought skills?” He said it like a joke, but you weren’t sure it was funny.

“James is really smart, actually. Always got top grades in school,” You replied, voice soft but determined.

“Oh, you guys went to school together? High school sweethearts?” Adam had totally changed his tune, maybe because he could see that you didn’t think insulting your boyfriend was entertaining. Still, you nodded brightly, choosing to believe the best in him.

“Yeah, we’ve been dating since I was fourteen! We’re going on four years.” You glowed with pride, eyes straying over to James, who was starting to notice where you were.

“So you’re fresh out of school, huh?” You nodded slowly, suddenly aware that he could be decades older than you. Well, maybe you were being a little dramatic.

“How old are you?” Adam was twenty-four, as he told you, which did surprise you slightly, though you tried not to let it show. In the real world, that’s not crazy, right? Maybe you were still adjusting to being out of Hogwarts.

“Hi, lovely, who are you talking to?” James approached you both, his hand snaking around your waist.

“This is Adam. We were just chatting.”

“Hey, mate.” They exchanged identical greetings, a strange tension growing.

“Your girlfriend’s just been raving about how great you are, mate. You’re a very lucky man.”

“I know,” James said, jaw tensing in a way that was equal parts concerning and sexy.

“Well, it was nice meeting you!” You chirped, pulling away to end the conversation now that James was beside you.

“Yeah, you too, honey. I hope we meet again soon.” You nodded after a slight pause, waving politely as James led you back to your comfort zone and your friends.

“Well, who knew little miss wifed-up still had it?” Remus laughed, giving you an impressed nod.

“Hey, I thought we all knew I was gorgeous,” You joked, tossing your hair dramatically, “But seriously, if I have it, I do not want it.”

It wasn’t until later that you’d met Adam again and struck up a friendship which eventually evolved into a relationship, beginning to bond right before the start of the demise of your and James’ relationship.

God, you felt like your world was beginning to crash down around you, memories you’d had locked away for years resurfacing the second you laid eyes on a corresponding memento.

Everything was too suffocating; you needed to get out. Stumbling around your room, you pulled on some outside clothes, lacing up your shoes as you hopped down the entryway.

Walking down the street, you immediately felt a bit calmer, the crisp air sending shocks through your system and bringing you back down to earth.

With a little more sense in your head, the reality of your feelings began to set in. Regardless of how satisfied you were with your current life, which was something you were simultaneously beginning to reconsider, you missed your old life. In particular, you missed your friends.

Though James was obviously a massive part of your life and dominated most of the souvenirs you’d held onto, you’d had the same friendship group for six years of school. They rounded out every memory, filled the time between classes at school, and helped shape you into who you’d become as you grew into adulthood.

And somehow, somewhere along the way, you’d lost contact with them. Obviously, you hadn’t caught up with James since the breakup (with the exception of the single most awkward interaction of your life) because you were so heartbroken and shattered, but you’d tried not to let it impact your friendships.

Sirius was the first to go, of course, just because he was so close to James, and the other boys followed not too long after, torn between the rift. The girls held on for a bit longer, and you would tentatively say you were still friends today, but the intervals between your catch-ups got longer and longer each time. No bitterness, at least on your part, but you were all busy leading different lives.

Suddenly, it clicked how long it really had been since you’d seen your friends, and how it had steadily declined ever since Adam. Maybe it was just because you were already emotionally distraught, but doubts began to creep in about Adam. The way he’d behaved even before your breakup, his refusal to hang out with your friends after, and insisting you hang out with his friends all the time despite them not really liking you. It felt like something was beginning to add up, but you weren’t sure how to finish the equation.

With shaking hands, you fished your phone out of your pocket, searching through your contacts for a number you hadn’t called in far too long.

“Hello?” The voice on the other side asked, gentle confusion evident.

“Lily?” You asked, voice wavering as relief washed over you at the familiarity.

“Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Lily asked immediately, the intricacies of your speech pattern coming back to her in an instant.

“Are you free to talk for a bit?”

“Um, yeah, of course! Remus is with me right now. Do you want to be on speaker? Or I can go into a different room.” You said it was fine, the desire to hear his voice overpowering in your heart.

“Hi, dove. Been a while,” He said softly, and you could see the expression he was making despite it being a voice call.

“Yeah, sorry,” You choked out, tears beginning to spill again. Without further ado, you began to spill everything. All of the conflicting thoughts and feelings that had stirred within you in the span of a single day. You told them about Adam rushing you to let him move in before you were maybe ready (you’d never said that out loud before), finding the box of memories you’d forgotten had even existed, and the deep, deep longing for the past you’d felt ever since.

When you were finally finished you’d cried out all the water left in your body, but you felt monumentally lighter, even if it was just because Lily and Remus at least knew how much you loved and missed them.

As you began to trail off, worries less prominent, your friends sat in silence on the other side of the line.

“Do you think I’m broken?” You asked, voice ragged from your monologue and the accompanying tears.

“I think,” Lily said, “You need to come over tonight.”

part 2

[ferigrievous]

AKAASHI KEIJI HCS ⋆˚࿔

has had terrible vision since middle school but could never be bothered to get glasses until after graduation

keeps an umbrella in his bag all the time even if it literally never rains

hates clutter but also hates getting rid of stuff

because of this he has boxes and drawers filled with things like old ticket stubs and letters

everyone thinks he has a good sleep schedule, but he actually just goes to sleep late and wakes up early

diagnosed with anxiety, but is also 86% sure its actually OCD but never got tested because he doesnt want to confront that problem right now

appreciates quiet moments over grand gestures, watching the sunset, taking a walk, cooking together

has to match his socks to his outfits and is sure if he doesnt something terrible will happen to him

loves old movies. if he didn’t major in english, he probably would have been a film student

tried being a writer in junior year but got so stressed out and quit before he even graduated. he still has the manuscripts and drafts in his bottom drawer

gets cold unbelievably easily but never wears more than like two layers because he hates being immobile

unfortunately not a green thumb despite everyone somehow thinking he is. killed a pothos in under a week and never tried again after that

not great with kids, but he tolerates them because he doesn’t want to be like the teenagers and adults who have an age complex

dogears his pages.

had a period where he hated the taste of water and wouldnt drink it without flavouring but literally just woke up one day and got over it

tried taking a late night walk once during finals week but got so unbelievably lost he had to download uber and call one

has a dream journal by his bed, but none of it is decipherable, and if it is, it doesn’t make any sense

such a fucking chismosa but no one ever includes him so he knows everything but has nothing to talk to

wears earbuds/headphones all the time not because he’s listening to music but because if he even gets a notion of gossip he’ll turn off the music and start listening

tried penpaling once but got overwhelmed and sent one letter and then blocked everyone else

has a bad habit of rubbing the back of his neck when he’s overwhelmed, and sometimes develops rashes because of how often he does it

even though he’s frugal and barely ever buys anything at all, he prefers cash over card, and even then, only uses a debit card, unless it’s absolutely necessary to use a credit card

never corrects people when they mispronounce his name. there’s still people going around calling him keishi

doesn’t get the hype over poetry as much as he wants to. feels like a fake bibliphile and lowkey has imposter syndrome over it considering his major and job

falls in love really slowly, like ink bleeding onto paper

is neutral about physical touch, but whenever someone leans their head on his shoulder he feels like he’s holding the weight of the world and forgets to breath to the point where he sees spot

his guilty pleasure are stupid ass fifteen season thirty episode shows

[vaos-studios]

tell me about 2.0 prester nowwww or no food for a week /silly

I SURRENDER /j (Had this one artwork on me from March)

I will only tell you his basic lore because Prester’s character in this AU is (sort of?) a major plot point. His arc gives you a better insight to the upgrade itself and that’s all I’m gonna say about it because I have to keep the suspense rolling

Prester is now Raven oriented! Alongside Advocates and black cats he’s also seen around Magnates and ravens. I revisited his design a little bit and instead of giving him a damaged left arm I’m gonna add in some bird feathers into his cape.

Also bad news I might have to get rid of Prester’s long braid. I’m afraid it adds too much clutter to his design considering he already has a long cape, hat, feathers and stuff, etc. But maybe I can find a way to keep it without crowding his shape/character ( bc hear me out I think Prester with long hair slays so unbelievably hard )

I’m also currently fighting this guy tooth and nail on a design that masks his face and body while also being easily recognizable as Prester—Graham’s design also had me like this before I got something I was happy with (thanks to one of my friends!!) I would show y’all his early versions but he was a little ugly 😭

I’ve really come around to the evil old man /lh

[brodygold]

Liquid GOLD

Journal of Todd Halpern Spring Semester, 2025

January 15

First day of the drug trial. I’m feeling a mix of nervousness and excitement. This is my shot at making some easy money. The trial is for a drug called Liquid GOLD. Dr. Ellison, the lead scientist on the project, explained that it’s designed to boost energy, focus, and overall well-being. They’re really hyping it up as some revolutionary formula. Honestly, I don’t care about any of that—I just need the $1,500 stipend to help with tuition.

The instructions are simple enough: take one pill every morning with a glass of water and document any changes I notice. They even gave me this little notebook to record my thoughts and experiences. Took my first dose today, and so far, nothing’s changed. It’s just another normal day filled with studying, gaming, and avoiding the gym. I’m not expecting much, but who knows? Maybe this stuff will actually help me focus.

Anyways, I just took the first pill. They're kinda gross if I'm being honest. There's this golden liquid inside the pill that's almost acidic in a way? I don't really know how to describe it.

January 22

It’s been a week since I started taking Liquid GOLD, and I think I’m starting to notice some changes. My head feels clearer, like a fog has lifted. I’ve also been feeling this insane burst of energy. Usually, I’d crash after my afternoon classes, but now I feel restless, like I need to do something physical.

In a moment of madness, I went to the gym yesterday. I didn’t plan it at all. It just felt like the right thing to do. I only stayed for about half an hour, but I found myself enjoying it in a way I never have before. A bit weird for the guy who avoided PE like the plague in high school.

The strangest part? I feel good when I look in the mirror. My arms look a little bigger, and my posture is better. I don’t know if it’s real or just a placebo, but I’ll take it.

February 5

Wow, okay. It’s been three weeks now, and I can’t believe the changes I’m seeing. My body is transforming in ways I never expected. My arms are thicker, my chest is broader, and my waist is tighter. It’s like my muscles are waking up for the first time. Even my face looks different—more angular, less soft.

I’ve been spending more and more time in the gym. It’s not just a chore anymore; it’s become the highlight of my day. There’s something satisfying about pushing myself, lifting heavier weights, and seeing the progress. My old hobbies, like gaming and watching anime, don’t excite me as much anymore.

Mentally, things feel… different. My thoughts are quieter, more focused. I don’t get lost in overthinking or procrastination like I used to. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like my mind is streamlining itself, getting rid of all the unnecessary clutter.

February 19

Something’s definitely happening. It’s not just my body—it’s my mind, too. I feel so focused, so driven, but my priorities are shifting. Things that used to matter to me, like schoolwork or hanging out with friends, feel unimportant. Instead, I’ve been obsessing over routine.

Wake up.

Take my pill.

Work out.

Eat clean.

Sleep.

Repeat.

Clothing has become a weird fixation for me. I can’t stand how baggy my old hoodies and jeans feel. They don’t fit the new me. I’ve started wearing fitted shirts and athletic shorts. Today, I spent hours online looking at rubber gear—polo shirts, shorts, even gloves. I don’t know why, but I felt drawn to it.

Dr. Ellison called it “progress” when I mentioned this during my checkup. He said I’m adapting well to the trial. His words were comforting, even though I’m not entirely sure what he meant by “adapting.”

March 3

The changes are accelerating. My reflection in the mirror is barely recognizable. I’m massive now—broad shoulders, thick arms, sculpted abs. I never thought I’d look like this, and honestly, I’m not complaining.

But it’s not just about how I look. My thoughts are simpler now. Cleaner. I don’t worry about grades or what other people think of me. I’ve been finding satisfaction in following routines and staying disciplined. It’s like my mind is trimming away the excess, leaving only what’s necessary.

The strangest part is how natural this feels. I’ve stopped questioning why I’m drawn to certain things, like rubber clothing. I ordered a polo shirt and shorts made of shiny black rubber, and when they arrived, I felt this overwhelming urge to put them on. The way the material clung to my body was exhilarating. It felt like it was meant for me.

March 17

Obedience. That word has been stuck in my head all day. I used to think of obedience as something restrictive, but now it feels… freeing. There’s a comfort in knowing what’s expected of me and fulfilling that role.

During today’s checkup, Dr. Ellison introduced me to the concept of the Golden Army. He said that’s what this trial is all about—creating a team, a collective, a purpose. When he said I was almost ready to “serve,” I felt this rush of pride.

He gave me a new uniform: a shiny black rubber polo shirt and matching shorts. When I put them on, it felt like coming home. The snugness of the material, the way it shimmered in the light—it was perfect. He told me to wear it proudly, and I do.

April 14

It’s hard to put my thoughts into words now. Writing feels inefficient, clunky. My mind works differently—it’s all about action and purpose.

I have stopped thinking of myself as Todd. That identity has been erased. I am PDU-092, a loyal servant of the Golden Army. My uniform defines me. My purpose is simple: obey commands, serve the collective, and maintain perfection.

Everything is clearer now. I exist to follow orders, to train, to serve. There is no hesitation, no doubt. The Golden Army is strong. The Golden Army is eternal.

Transformation complete.

Identity secure.

Loyalty unwavering.

092 ready to serve. Disciplined. Focused. Controlled.

Journal of Brody Gold

April 14

Dr. Ellison has informed me that the trial drones have progressed smoothly, with a 100 percent conversion rate. Thanks to Liquid GOLD, or Gathering Obedient Loyal Drones, we have a new batch of polo drones at our command. With their blank minds and jacked bodies, they should be perfect servants both on and off the field.

Of course, more test subjects are required.

[we-are-inevitable]

i think jack would keep his room really tidy. he organizes his clothes and sneakers by color, he keeps all of his art supplies in storage under his bed, his comics are all on a shelf, and- despite his creative streak- he’s not really a maximalist so there’s not much in the room to even work with. he’s just never had stuff. maybe a few pictures on the walls, maybe he’ll hang up the paintings he’s most proud of, but home has never been stationary for him and moving a lot of stuff is a bitch and a half, so he keeps his decor minimal. sure, he would love to have his room decked out— but he has what he needs, and if he doesn’t, he’ll figure it out. he always had. he’ll borrow things from charlie and racer, or scour thrift shops and buy-sell-trade facebook groups until something works. he’s never had the luxury of storing and collecting and keeping things, and now, he stresses about it— what if he has to leave? what if he can’t take everything he has? what if he has too much, how can he delegate, how can he choose?

davey, however, is a maximalist. and davey’s room reflects that. it’s not dirty, but it’s cluttered, and there’s really no rhyme or reason. he has books all over the place and trinkets and collections he’s been gathering since elementary. his clothing is all stuffed in his closet, and he has a hard time getting rid of things, so he still has flannels from middle school and old graphic tees that don’t reflect his style anymore. he says he’s saving them for les. that’s the thing about growing up lower middle class- you save and save because sometimes you might need that old extension cord or that bag of loose screws or those old clothes from childhood. davey’s room is a shrine to everyone he’s ever been, everything he’s ever liked, and getting rid of things means the possibility of needing something, and davey never wants to need anything. needing is a burden, and he’s independent to a fault.

jack can’t be tied down to anything. davey has ties to everything. eventually they’ll find the balance.

[tams-writeblr]

Love in a hopeles Place 22

Synopsis: She was barely grown up, when she stepped into the bar that was the center of Zaun's resistance. The people she met there would forever change her life, and one of them especially. Silco x reader/OC; first-person POV; overall rating: E for Explicit; canon-compliant (though I might make a stretch on the timeline here and there to make things fit my symbolism); age gap! (younger female, older male); 9 chapters; 45k; cis female reader/POV; no beta-reader; completed Chapter ratings/warnings: T for Teen. Strong language, mentions of drugs abuse Wordcount: <1k Author's note: I won't go into detail today. It's the finale of act II so, maybe someone needs a hankie? (Probably not) Comments would be appreciated!

Today's music recommendation: Woodkid - Guns for Hire

<- previous | next ->

Act II

Chapter III

Part 9/9

They say, curiosity killed the cat. And so curiosity also got the worst out of me.

On my day off, I was doing what had to be done around the house, while Silco was out getting something important done (as he called it). I was dusting off all kinds of surfaces. Usually I only touched his desk, when there was really nothing lying around it.

But his books had cluttered the surface for weeks now, and the dark wood started to really look ugly.

Maybe that was just an excuse for me to touch his things. Maybe I wanted to make sure he wasn't doing anything dangerous again.

Cleaning the desk, I "accidentally" dropped his notebook, and it landed, back down, open pages up, on the floor. As I reached for it, my eyes roamed his notes, and I couldn't believe what I read. I plopped onto the desk chair and turned page after page, losing track of time and the danger of being caught completely. In fact, I couldn't wait for Silco to return, so I could confront him.

Finally, the door was locked open, and I instantly got on my feet. The second he saw me at his desk, he knew. His jaw clenched, and he clicked his tongue at me.

"What the fuck is this?", I yelled.

"Are you satisfied now, knowing what I'm up to? I brought your favorite snack. You were tormenting me with how much you wanted it the other day."

I lashed at him and shoved his notebook into his chest. "I asked you what the fuck is this?"

He held my hand against the book and his chest. "This could be the solution to our problems, kid." He took the book away, placed it on the counter, and looked me straight in the eye. "An old... friend of mine has made an interesting discovery recently. A root that greatly increases the life-force of individuals. If we're able to extract the agent, we might be able to create a substance that basically creates a super-solider with one injection. Do you understand what that could mean? We would finally have the military force to make Piltover listen to us. This is the way to a free, independent Zaun!"

"I already got that from your notes. I might not be as book smart as you are, but I'm not dumb either. But you let out an important detail. Your "friend" noticed, that the test subjects needed more and more of that root for the effect to last. Was it deprived of it, his condition quickly worsened. This stuff is highly addictive, Silco. You're not talking about one injection to make a super-solider. You're talking about creating another motherfucking drug. And those streets truly don't need more junkies, as we already have."

He clicked his tongue again. "We're trying to get rid of this. We've just started our research, okay? Despite, one substance more or less, what's the difference? Aren't we all addicted to anything already?"

"I can't tolerate this, Silco. Please drop this project. Do it for me, okay? My mother became a junkie, that's why she left us."

"It's not all about you, kid," Silco pointed his long finger right into my face. "This will change the course of history for Zaun."

I felt my eyes go wet, but I refused to let a single tear out. "I'm sorry, Silco, but this is a path I can't follow you on."

His face smoothed out for a second, before getting darker than before. "Blood on my hands, lying, killing, being disfigured and cast out of our friend group. All that was no dealbreaker for you. But you draw a line on drugs?"

I saw in his eyes, that he already had made his decision. So I slowly nodded. "Yes, I have my principles, as well as you seem to have yours." My lips trembled as his face got emotionless.

He straightened his back, took a deep breath, and nodded. "Fine," he said, blankly. "I wanted a change of scenery anyway. I'll come pick up my stuff tomorrow while you're at work. You can keep the apartment if you want it. I'll find something new."

I couldn't believe he really stayed that calm, dealing me off, like I was some sort of employee to him.

As he turned his back to me and slipped through the door, a single tear fell out of my eye.

[solitairefrom-blocktales]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH I BROUGHT SOLITUDE BACK

So! Quick ooc post both to explain some stuff and to elaborate on what's going on for anyone stumbling upon this blog

So! Hi! This is one of the older ask blogs, which has been inactive for a while due to me not having the energy to run my blogs (or, well, do much at all really.) Thanks to some ideas cooking in my brain the past 4 months, and a random burst of energy, we're back!

So, what now?

Well, business will hopefully continue as usual. Asks are open, and anything that I can remember that previously happened is still canon to this blog.

So, ask away! Both old and new followers alike! Especially if you had sent in an ask before; I cleared out my ask box for the return of this blog to get rid of previous clutter.

Say hi! Interact! Maybe even see what Solitude's been up to these past few months! Well, if anything. What does someone even do in a void for 4 months...?

Whatever the case may be, it's great to be back!

[stuft]

I finally heard back from my classmate in Germany who had said she might need a cat sitter in the summer. She won't, bc her dad (here in the US) is on chemo and she won't be able to take her kids to visit when he's so vulnerable. When I'd asked if she had an idea of her summer plans I said I was probably coming back regardless, so after she told me about her dad and the cancelled reunion she said she could put out some feelers for places to rent/sublet, although I think it was more for the summertime because she said a lot of people leave for the summer. (maybe I should change my plans?) I said I might take her up on it and would be in touch.

My life is awash with indecision, and it always has been (in my silly old high school senior quote I wrote "indecision time", a reference to a song from my beloved Hüsker Dü album Zen Arcade, bc I was graduating and wasn't going to college and had no fucking idea what I wanted to do with my life, fast forward almost 40 years and...voila, prophecy or habit?). I feel like I half-ass everything because I'm on my own, don't have anyone to even bounce ideas off of much less help to make plans with, and it's a lot of work, a lot of decisions and it's tiring and I always have to factor in the solo-ness of it all. It's not nothing. Especially as a woman travelling alone, it's more to consider, though now that I'm middle aged I'm more invisible, which is great but I'm also more decrepit which is not. And now considering everything that I am considering, I feel paralyzed by it all. Not to mention my lack of confidence in myself.

Even going back to German school! I had felt fine about it, whether I stayed on campus again or found a rental, I was like, yeah, I'd do that again and then last night or this morning I just had this memory/feeling bubble up out of nowhere that made me feel embarrassed or self-conscious to go back there! I forget even why. But just this feeling of shame or self-doubt, why do I feel like I need to do this, what is the point, why bother, who do you think you are I am, etc etc. Like I want to do stuff but I don't want to have to actually exist or be perceived by others. What even was it that popped up this morning? I don't know. But having been through one course I thought I felt more confident about going back but then I got this feeling of ew, but there was...this thing whatever it was. I don't fucking know but I have to get rid of some of this clutter and maybe I can think more clearly.

[girlvinland]

Ough. I just spent most of today doing a major closet clean out and it felt nice (apart from I think I’m sick so idk where the energy to do that came from). Switched out the bedspread too for something more spring/summer feeling and it kind of refreshed my brain you know? I’m hoping this week I can clean the office out as well bc I really want to get rid of a lot of old books. Lately I’ve been feeling just. Really overwhelmed by stuff. I hate when my space is cluttered bc it starts making it impossible for me to focus on anything until it’s clean and I kind of hate that I’m like that (people think I’m insane when I apologize for my place being messy or whatever bc it’s like. One thing will be out of place), but idk I’ve tried to not care as much but 🥴. Idk just too affected by it I guess. ANYWHO. I hope everyone is having a nice day 🌷

[serpercival]

Ty for the tag @discocaptain !!

Wow do I have too much stuff I need to get rid of if that's all I could come up with and my room is this cluttered

Tagging @remyfire @trappper-johnathan @hearteyespierce @hballegro @extra-trash77 @seepweed @scuzbrains @beeinabox

[jedi-bird]

The post about recycling, reducing, and reusing got me thinking about my grandparents. Both were born a few years before the great depression started and both grew up having to make do with what they had. My grandpa's family had it better than my grandma's, but both came out of it as adults with what I would refer to as quirks and my mom called stupidity. She was pissed when I started do the same things.

They saved everything that they could. Empty glass jars, slivers of soap, food containers, old furniture, clothes beyond repair. Most of it got used. Old margarine and cool whip containers held leftovers, jars got used for sugar or as vases, plastic bags got kept for trash bags, old clothes became rags. My mom hated it. She would constantly scream at them that they could afford to buy "real" things for all those purposes, completely forgetting that got decades they couldn't. And yes, they had boxes upon boxes of too much stuff cluttering up the house. But it made sense to me.

During world war two, most things had to be reused for the "war effort". And before that, most things were reused because a lot of people couldn't afford new things. So why waste money when you already had something perfectly usable (microplastics were not a concern when I was a kid so we microwaved food in things that definitely shouldn't have been microwaved)?

My mom went on a rampage after my grandma died and threw out everything she could get her hands on. Which meant for about three months we had almost nothing to put leftovers in because I could only rescue a few things; my grandpa didn't have extra money leftover each month without her retirement and my stepfather refused to let her spend any money on them because he needed every cent to gamble with. I had to dip into my own savings to replace the containers she tossed and the towels she tried to trash and fix the sink after she put too much food down the disposal (which she was told many times never to do and did anyway). That first year was a literal nightmare but somehow I kept things going.

But, I'm very much like my grandparents. I keep far too many things because they might serve a purpose. The difference is, if I can't find a use for them in six months, they have to go. If it's usable, it's donated or given to someone who needs it. If it's broken, it's fixed and donated or recycled if possible and trashed if it's not. I sort all of our trash, a task I used to have to do at work and became pretty good at. My partner sometimes gives me weird looks. They asked once why I was holding on to a broken broom handle until I installed a veggie tower and needed someone to stabilize the center; broom handle worked perfectly and cost us nothing. Empty lunch meat container make great leftovers holders or lunch box bentos. The cardboard boxes the corner Japanese market packs our groceries in become cat beds or donation boxes (currently one is a snack overflow box). Shoe boxes hold photos until I can get albums. Mismatched food containers become plant water trays or yarn ball holders. Old refillable litter buckets are garden waste buckets (the store by us stopped allowing refills). My collection of assorted screws and allen wrenches come in handy during quick repairs. I fix all of our clothes as much as possible.

Partner isn't immune to holding on to things either and is a wizard at making things out of cardboard. Biggest difference between us is that if something is broken I'll get rid of it and they keep it forever.

Recycling is great but sometimes repurposing and reusing something is better. Obviously try not to take it to hoarding levels like my grandparents did, but a lot of things have multiple purposes. And finding this purposes helps the environment, even if it's only a little bit.

[notesfromthepalace]

A Mid-Twenties What Chillllllllleeeee?!

This all started Saturday morning. I actually woke up to my Husband being very, "Husbandly", if you know what I mean.

So I made him breakfast.

Ribeye and eggs with a garlic knot.

But I was talking to him about my new body goals and he was trying to keep me encouraged: He mentioned to me how real body recomposition takes time and I need to stop comparing myself to the instagram girls who may have been doing this for years. He also reminded me that I lost about 26 pounds in a healthy way that is sustainable - and that most people can't do that. *Thanks Daddy xo

Then I went to take a long shower and while I was lathering and doing my scrub-a-dub-dub I told myself I needed to go shopping and even started crying. And not shopping for fine jewelry from Cartier or even new dresses from Tory Burch; I needed new everything.

One thing I don't think people talk about enough with weight loss is the severe body dysmorphia because of how much your body changes. By face slimmed down, my waistline slimmed down, my boobs have gotten smaller but I haven't hit my goal yet. And none of my clothes fit. Then I was thinking about how I didn't like my underwear and bras anymore, my lashes weren't growing enough, chile I was mad at everything.

I bought two new sports bras, new leggings and tops, all size small. Then I also purchased a SKIMS push-up bra and some new pantiessssssssssssssss.

It helped. I also think I needed to just get rid of old stuff too, the clutter can add to unwanted stress. And maybe I was about to get my period in five days, I just know I was sobbing hysterically to my Husband during breakfast.

Weeks later, I'm feeling much better but I was having a moment. And I'm glad I had my friends and Husband to talk to about it. Apparently, I'm not the only one this happens to.

I hope everyone is having a blessed and productive Sunday afternoon.

With love Sissy Poohs,

Mrs. Chanel

[welcome-home-official]

Because my room and the spare room aren't clean to standard, my grandparents threatened to get rid of my pets.

They won't even let me throw old shit away!! NO wonder my room is cluttered???? They gave me until Friday KNOWING I work this week and do not get home until late at night. They'll be at work tomorrow, so I'll take the time to fill up trash bags with as much useless junk they keep piling on me and getting rid of it. I don't even care if its "good" stuff anymore, they keep giving me stuff I never ask for or want and then berate me for not being able to 'organize' it properly.

[ajawnich]

hello my beloved followers i realized i haven't given a life update or really talked much lately so i shall now

my mom has officially moved out so it's just me and my dad now. things are honestly kind of nice because my mom has hoarding tendencies so our house was always full of shit we didn't need and all the clutter and mess everywhere was kind of oppressive. everything is so clean and organized now so i'm kind of enjoying it. but i feel bad for enjoying it because yknow, it's my mom and i miss my mom and i feel bad for finding positives. but also, my mom is doing a bad job hiding that she kind of resents me, i guess because i get to stay in the house and continue living the life she can't anymore. she keeps saying "your life isn't changing at all" as if she wishes my life Did change, like that i would get uprooted like she did, which i think is kind of a fucked up thing to wish for your child. she just seems angry that i haven't been falling to my knees crying in front of her over the whole thing; my whole life she's always judged me because i don't Perform Emotion the way she expects me to, ie she doesn't like my autism. i'm not someone who cries very much, i probably have a genuine cry maybe once every six months or even less. and i especially don't cry in front of people. but she can't fathom the idea of being sad without crying about it, so she's convinced i'm not sad at all about being separated from her and even said i was happy about it at one point which just pissed me off.

so tbh she kinda created a self fulfilling prophecy, i was sad about her leaving and my life changing like this, but as she started acting more and more resentful about it it's making me not miss her as much. and i mean, yeah, there's definitely stuff i'm not gonna fucking miss about her lmao. here's a list <3

• she has hoarding tendencies so no more clutter everywhere. everything now is so clean and organized, we actually have space in our house, especially in our dining room and basement. we could barely walk through our laundry room before.

• she would buy things in bulk and hoard them because they were on sale, ignoring that people less fortunate than us could have used those sales way more. all my friends know about the great 20 Sticks Of Butter In Our Fridge saga.

• she would buy things she knows we don't use because they're on sale, and when we didn't use them she'd still get mad about it. she accused me of wasting food constantly despite buying things i never asked for. i have ARFID on account of my autism so she knows there's only a few foods i eat but she would still buy foods she knows i wont eat and get mad about it anyway.

• NO MORE DIGGING THROUGH MY FUCKING TRASH. this woman used to dig through my trash because she's allergic to throwing things out. she would buy clear trash bags just so she could scan the garbage easily. the worst one was when i threw out some underwear because they were getting old and stained, and she bragged about taking them out of my trash and wearing them herself because they fit her, and scolded me for "wasting them". disgusting!! lmao!!

• no seriously this is genuinely freeing. i can throw things away now. i can donate things i dont want. i dont have to vet every fucking item with my mom before it leaves this house. because usually what would happen is that she'd say "i can sell this, i'm going to put it in the yard sale" and then it would be in our house for a decade longer because it wouldn't sell in any yard sale we had. like there's legit stuff in her yard sale stash that i wanted to get rid of 15 years ago and she's just held on to because surely this will be the year she gets five dollars for it! surely!

• no more becoming enraged if i have the nerve to lock the door because she thinks she's entitled to access to me 24/7. i would say no more barging in without knocking, but she still does that every time she comes over to our house anyway 🙃

• no more eating my stuff. like this isn't as bad as the others but it always pissed me off when i'd ask for a pie or something similar and i'd get one piece and the next day it would be gone. she would say i "wasn't eating it" and say how she Had to eat it because it would have gone to waste if she didn't. she doesn't understand that normal people don't eat an entire pie in one sitting, so she really will just eat my whole fucking pie and then tell me i was gonna waste it because i didn't inhale it all at once. and yes she would do this on my birthday with cakes and the like as well. eat my whole fucking birthday cake 🙃

there's a lot more i could get into, i had a whole post a while back about how sexually inappropriate she was with us as children so i'm always going to have resentment towards her for that, but i wont get into that right now.

ANYWAY yeah ive just been adjusting to living alone with my dad and it's honestly been pretty good. and i hate to say this but i think it would have sucked a lot more to live only with my mom. in fact i kinda think it would have been a nightmare. the reason i stayed with my dad was because he kept the house, and i refuse to move out of this house lol. it does make me feel bad that i haven't visited with my mom very much but like i said her acting like kind of a bitch about the whole thing is not helping her case here.

besides uhhhhhh all of that, i've been doing not very great. i've been feeling really lonely, i crave attention from strangers that i'm never gonna get, and ive been trying to draw but it feels kinda pointless because i know not many people will care. it doesn't help that i have ajawnich brainrot but none of my friends like them so i can't really talk about them 🥲 i'm currently drawing my pookies and trying to have a "this is for me" attitude but it does make me sad rip. i've also been struggling with things like personal hygiene and keeping my room clean, it's an absolute mess right now and it's stressing me out just looking at it. i've at least had fun playing infinity nikki lately and i think perhaps i should post about it here more.

anyway uhhhhh i love you guys thanks for sticking around, i've been losing followers lately bc i'm annoying so thanks to all those that are still here