#guess i’ll be the judge of that tmrw | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spockina · 5 years ago

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partners

i didn't know what i was doing when i started writing this, but something still came out, so i thought i'd share it with you guys. pls gimme ur thots i’m a needy hoe <3 (ps. what does the title have to do with the story? you tell me. i hate that i have to title things. thanks for understanding lmao)

a huge thank you to @theseventeenstairs for being the sweetest and offering me nothing but kindness.

3.3k words / fluff and buck being a dummy / buck-centric / read on ao3

The idea comes to him on a Monday. He’ll never forget it, because Ms. Flores is the one to put it in his head.

He’s picking up Chris when she says, smiling:

“You know, for a while I thought you and Edmundo were together,” she twirls her hair around a finger, and Buck can’t help but think, wow, she really is pretty. Why isn’t Eddie tapping that? and then he promptly deletes the thought because, one, that’s just awful and he isn’t like that anymore, and, two, well. He doesn’t want Eddie to be doing that, so…

He smiles back at her, one hand on Christopher’s shoulder, a backpack in his other hand. “Yeah, well...” he says, and waves, tugging Chris along.

Did he intentionally not give her anything? Yes. She gave him a lot, though.

He can’t stop thinking about it.

He needs to talk.

Eddie is, obviously, not an option.

Chimney is, obviously, not an option.

Hen has his best intentions at heart, and he knows it, but he’s not sure what he needs out of this conversation, so he doesn’t trust her not just to give him what he wants instead of what he needs.

Maddie will help, always. First, though, she’ll make fun of him and he’s not entirely sure she won’t bring Chim into the mix.

Bobby is the responsible adult figure in Buck’s life, and it comes with Athena benefits. He invites himself to dinner, and is working on an excuse to stay a little longer than usual, but as soon as dinner’s over, Harry’s off into his bedroom, and Buck laughs. Pre-teens. He’s not looking forward to when Chris becomes one.

“Out with it, Buck,” Athena says. “You know we love you, and we’ll have you whenever, but something’s happening, so talk to us.”

He sighs.

“I. I, uh, I love Eddie?” It sounds like a question, he knows, and he grimaces. Ugh, this is so awkward.

“Sweetheart,” Athena says, voice soft, “I don’t know how to put this kindly, because you sure look like something’s happening inside, but, um… We know.”

“Is there something else you need to say? You can open up, we’re not going to judge you,” Bobby adds, and Buck loves them.

“Yeah. Yeah, I need to talk.”

He feels better after talking about it, even if just a little. Sure, he’s not ready to do anything about it just yet, but having some of the weight off his shoulders is a huge help.

Christopher tugs at his sleeve. “Bucky, Elsa is about to freeze! Pay attention,” he stage-whispers, and Buck can’t help a chuckle.

“Sorry, bud,” he whispers back, settling more into the couch, feeling Chris pressed into his side, sandwiched between him and Eddie.

Interesting things are happening in the magic forest, but more important things are unravelling inside of Buck’s mind. Like, how he can’t see himself anywhere but here. How it’s a perfectly fine Saturday evening and he’s at Eddie’s house, watching a kid’s movie with a ten year old, and there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. How he made dinner, and then the dishes, in a house that isn’t his, but feels more like home than anywhere else he can think of. How maybe he’ll put Chris to bed, or maybe he won’t, and it doesn’t matter, because other evenings will come where he will put Christopher to bed. How he’s wearing his sweatpants, but Eddie’s shirt, because at this point his clothes have moved, and he doesn’t know how, but at some point half of his wardrobe made its way to Eddie’s bedroom drawers. How he has a designated side on Eddie’s bed, because there’s only so much couch-sleeping one can take before just moving to the bed, and Eddie hates the wall. How they’re sitting on the couch, Eddie’s hand just barely touching the back of his neck where his arm is stretched along the back of the couch, and how he’s wishing Eddie would rest the full weight of his hand on Buck’s body.

He could never be anywhere but here, and that he once thought otherwise is equal parts dumb and hilarious.

“Hey. Are you alright?” Eddie asks, once they’re alone.

(Christopher put himself to bed tonight, which is… new. He still requested Eddie read him two chapters of his book, instead of just the one, per it being weekend rules.)

“What you mean?”

“You seem, I dunno. Far away.”

Buck shrugs, takes a swig of his beer. “Frozen 2 is an excellent movie and I’ve been deep in thought. Was kinda hoping they’d give Elsa a gee-eff, though, not gonna lie.”

Eddie snorts. “Ain’t you a funny one?”

“You know it!” Buck replies with an exaggerated wink and a million-dollar smile.

They settle on some dumb, definitely not PG-13 movie, and pretend to watch it, side by side on the couch, until Eddie turns suddenly to face Buck and blurts out:

“No, seriously, what’s going on?”

Buck stares right back, hard. “I don’t know, man, what do you mean?”

“I don’t know, Buck, you just, I don’t know, you seem odd.” A beat. “For a while, actually.” Eddie sounds unsure and Buck’s ready to give, but then he adds the rest and Buck feels himself getting on the road to get angry.

He shakes his head. “You can’t say I’ve been odd for a while and say ‘I don’t know’ with it. What. The fuck. Do you mean?”

Eddie looks surprised. “Hey. Slow down, man, I just wanna talk.”

“Then talk.”

“I’m trying, Buck, but -”

“Don’t just say I’m odd and then expect me to say shit.”

“Jesus, Buck, what’s going on, man? Did I do something?”

And… Isn’t that a wake up call?

Sure, his emotions are a mess, but that doesn’t mean he gets to take stuff out on Eddie, who is, literally, the one person who will be most affected when Buck comes clean with this whole thing.

Buck takes a deep breath, closes his eyes. When he opens them again, he looks Eddie in the eyes, and hopes Eddie can see the honesty in them.

“I’m sorry, Eddie. You’re right. It’s just… I’m. Um. Listen, I should go home. I’ve got a cleaning crew coming tomorrow, I should -”

“Don’t they have a key for that?”

“I, uh, yeah, actually, but I got a new rug I need them to be careful with. We’ll talk…?” He trails off at the end, not sure where he was going with it.

He moves around the house he knows so well. Stops by Chris’ bedroom to drop him one last kiss. Eddie doesn’t follow him as he moves around the house; stands in the middle of the living room, where they were arguing, and stays there, quiet, until Buck crosses him towards the front door.

“Text me when you get there,” he says before Buck leaves, because, fight or no fight, they still worry about each other, always.

Buck lets out a sigh of relief. He was hoping Eddie would still say that.

“Yeah, of course. Good night, Eddie.”

Driving back to his apartment doesn’t make him feel any better. It is, in fact, doing the opposite, and he feels awful.

He’s emotionally constipated, and he knows it, but it never quite led to the mess it did tonight. How come he’s in love with Eddie and still lashing out at him? Nothing makes sense and thinking makes his head throb, so he throws himself on his (lonely, cold, empty) bed, and wishes for tomorrow to come quick, so that this day can be over already.

hey made it see ya tmrw for chris’ friends’ bday i got the present sorry forgot 2 tell ya night eds 😘

He falls asleep before Eddie answers.

At first, he can tell Eddie’s trying.

Eddie’s doing his absolute best to pretend nothing’s bothering him when he picks Buck up, when he says good morning, when he hands Chris the present he bought for Chris’ friend. Eddie’s avoiding his eyes, sure, but that’s Buck’s punishment, he guesses, and so he’ll take it.

But then, slowly, things sort themselves out. Each passing minute makes Eddie a little less upset, and a little more open to being around Buck, accepting that maybe whatever outburst happened last night was just a one-off thing. Buck’s thankful, not for the first time and shamelessly so, that Eddie is just as emotionally messed up as Buck is; as long as things get back to their usual, he doesn’t fuss too much.

They have a good day.

Sarah’s mom is a great host. She makes sure Eddie eats cake, and is not at all covert about the way she keeps her left hand in plain sight at all times, or about the way she searches Eddie’s hands in search of any kind of ring. (At which point, Buck has to excuse himself, because there’s only so much a guy can take. When he comes back, Eddie looks up at him through his lashes, and grins not-at-all-subtle at him, and Buck has to look away, heart skipping several beats.)

He needs to do something about it, or he’ll lose his mind.

Buck pokes his head into Bobby’s office, knocking more as a way of announcing himself than of asking if he can actually come in. “Hey, got a minute?”

It’s a slow day -- Hen’s working out, Chim and Eddie are taking a nap, and Buck knows he won’t get another moment quiet and alone with Bobby like this for a while, so he takes it.

“Of course, Buck, do come in.”

Buck snorts, plopping down on the chair.

“I need help,” he announces after a minute of sitting there silent.

“I’ll be glad to help if I can. What do you need?”

He clicks his tongue, unsure of how to say exactly what he’s feeling, unsure if he even knows how he’s feeling. He runs a hand over his face, into his hair, back down.

“I just. Look, I love him. I need to do something about it or I’m gonna go insane!”

Bobby is looking at him intently, a sympathetic look Buck doesn’t really love. He must look miserable for Bobby to be looking at him like that.

“Listen, Buckaroo, you just need to do it. I know you’re nervous but -” he’s interrupted by Buck’s phone. He glances down to see a couple of texts from Eddie, and he can’t help his smile as he types his response.

Where are you I thought you were gonna take a nap too

couldnt fall asleep sry bobby’s office

“...That Eddie?”

What for

“Yup,” he says, popping the p.

just talking

Bobby shakes his head, clear amusement in his eyes.

“As I was saying, Mister Buckley, you just need to do it. I know it’s scary, I promise I do, but it’s going to consume you until you come out with it. Think about it, really, and not just in general terms. Think about what you want to do, how you want to do it. You know we’ll be here for you. I’ll be here for you, whatever happens.”

You should come take a nap while it’s quiet You’ll be exhausted later Chris already picked tonight’s movie LOL

yeah ur right ayyy what did he pick wait nvm be down in a min tell me when i get there

Buck nods, full attention on Bobby even if Eddie is waiting for him downstairs.

“Yeah, I’ll think about it. I mean, I think I have an idea, but we’ll keep thinking.”

“As long as you’re comfortable, take your time.”

“Thanks, Bobby. Really.”

Bobby smiles at him, small and pleased. “Anytime, Buckaroo. You know the door’s always open for you. Now go before he comes to get you.”

how do u feel abt a bbq

Why and when

no reason just think we havent done anything cool lately nothing that we looked forward to

Should I be offended????

what??? no!!!

I’m kidding LOL

man you suck but anyway i was thinking we could do a bbq at ur place what w the backyard and all we could have pepa and abuela ur cousins the 118 the kids make it an actual event u feel

Sure That sounds pretty nice, actually Got a date in mind?

yeah actually we all got 1st wknd june off that ok?

Yup, nothing on my calendar Just checked

great!! that saturday then

It’s a date Christopher will be so excited when I tell him

gosh i hope dw i’ll figure out something for the kids actually dont worry abt shit let me take care of this

Be my guest LOL

Shopping for the barbecue is exciting, and Buck can forget, for a little bit, that he’s doing this as a way to give himself the courage to take the step that will either make or break them. So he shops, and he buys a lot. He buys enough food to feed way more people than the twenty that’ll be attending, and he buys enough games and activity books that the six children will be entertained for days on end. He just wants it to be a perfect day and for the people in his life to have a good time. That’s all.

He buys one extra thing. It takes an entire afternoon, and he keeps it safe and away from his eyes until he’s ready to think about it.

The house is packed with everyone they love. The 118 is here, Maddie, Abuela, Pepa, two of Eddie’s cousins, one with her husband and children; the kids are running around like crazy, hyped on good food and fun music, and everyone seems to be having fun.

Buck, on the other hand, can’t seem to relax for even a second.

“You doing OK?” Eddie asks, coming out of nowhere, and Buck nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Fuck, Eddie, warn a guy!”

“Jeez, I’m sorry! What’re you so jumpy for, anyway?”

Buck waves him off. “Just sleepy. Didn’t have a good night, is all,” he replies, which is, in fact, not a lie. He didn’t get a single blink of sleep last night. At around three he gave up, and made himself a huge thermos of coffee, instead.

He knows this is the right way. He knows they need to talk, and he needs to have things out in the open, finally, so they can stop skirting around this already. It’s a risk, and a bold move, and, frankly, there’s so much on the line. Too much. But he can’t keep dancing around it as if nothing’s happening.

He’s doing it.

Maybe not right now, though.

He feels queasy. There’s a bubbling something inside of him; a building panic that he feels in the pit of his stomach, working its way up at a really fast pace.

“Oh, God. Bobby. What if, what if I, uh, I read the whole thing wrong and this isn’t what he wants?”

“What?” Bobby takes a step closer, places a hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezes. “Buck, no. Listen, we all know Eddie. We see him every single day. We see the two of you. There’s no way this isn’t happening.” There’s a pause, and then, almost as if he can’t help himself, Bobby adds: “But listen, Buck. If it isn’t what he wants, you’ll still be fine. We’ll be here with you, whatever the outcome may be, OK?”

Buck nods, says nothing. He is soothed by Bobby’s words, and he’s relieved that, at last, Bobby seems to be keeping his promise of not sugarcoating things (alternately: lying). He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath.

“OK. Think I’m ready,” he says, hand firmly over his pocket as if he needs reassurance that this is real.

His voice is shaky, he knows, but Bobby doesn’t comment on it, just nods and squeezes his shoulder one more time; walks past him back into the living room, where the party is, obviously, still happening.

Buck takes a moment to look around.

He loves every single one of these people. He’s not sure when or how they became his family, but they are, and he knows he’s a lucky one. Whatever happens, he knows they’ll have his back.

He presses pause on the music that’s playing from his phone, making everyone look around confused, until they see him walking until he stops in the middle of the living room, where Eddie was, just a moment ago, talking to Abuela and Christopher, and is, now, watching him intently, confusion clear in his eyes.

“Hi, everybody,” Buck starts, and he knows he’s blushing, knows they can all tell just how damn nervous he is, but he won’t stop, now. “First, I wanna thank you all for being here today. It fills my heart with joy that we’re all here together, all the people Eddie and Christopher and I love so dearly.” He stops, looks around, offers everyone a smile. “When I decided I wanted to do this, I couldn’t - I didn’t - God. I didn’t know how to go about this, but I know I wanted everyone here.”

“Buck?” Eddie says, looking up at him with what Buck’s pretty sure is hope. Buck takes his hands, mostly because he can’t help himself with the overwhelming need to just touch Eddie.

“I hope you all know how much I love this man. And I know everyone here knows, but if you don’t, let me tell you: Eddie is the best man I’ve ever met. Eddie has the biggest heart, the strongest soul; Eddie is the best father I’ve ever seen, he’s a good friend, a kind man, a just one. A hot one, too,” he adds, wiggling his eyebrows, making everyone laugh. “But we all know that,” he continues. “I wanna tell you about the things only I know. I wanna tell you about how soft he is in the mornings. How he makes coffee just the way I like it. How he wakes Christopher with a smile, every single day. How he loves. How he cares. How he does his best, everyday, to be the best Eddie he could possibly be,” he turns to Eddie, fully, offers him a smile. “I hope you know you are, Eddie. You are the best, Eddie. And I love you. And I love you, too, Superman,” he adds, looking down at where Christopher is watching them with tears in his eyes.

This is it.

He pats his pocket, and fishes out the little box he’s been keeping safe this whole time, goes down on one knee. Hears the murmurs around them, the surprised sounds from their friends and family. Watches as Eddie grips Christopher’s hand tightly, brings one hand up to his mouth.

Now or never.

“Eddie,” he starts, but finds he can’t keep going. He takes a deep breath, starts again: “Eddie, I never knew I could love like this until you. You walked into my life, and you made a mess, and then I made a mess, but what matters is that we’ve come out stronger every single one of those times, and I hope to God there will be so many more for us to walk through.

“So, Eddie, Edmundo Diaz, will you marry me?”

Buck hopes to God he’ll never have to go through this again. He watches as Eddie watches him in silence, looking like he doesn’t understand what’s going on, and Buck wants to cry, and run, and hide, and never come back, because this is the most terrified he’s ever been in his life, and he’s been through a tsunami where he thought he’d lost Christopher, and -

“Yes. Yes, yes, of course, Buck, God, I love you, of course I’ll marry you!”

Then Eddie’s down on his knees with him, and they’re kissing, and Christopher’s right there with them, and Buck has never been happier in his life.

Surrounded by the people he loves, with the one he loves, with their son.

He knows he should think he’ll never be happier than this, but he knows he will. His future has Eddie and Christopher; every day will just be happier.

#buddie #buddie fanfic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 fanfic #911 on fox #my words #i continue to be very weak and crave validation #please give it to me i beg

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renaer-is-allegedly-hot · 5 years ago

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session 14 notes

TO CLARIFY IN THIS SESSION AERANA DID N O T TOUCH ADAM’S BUTT SHE SLAPPED HIM AT THE NOTION AND IT’S A GOOD THING HE TOOK 11 DAMAGE AERANA HAS NO REGRETS also am i sorry for this format ? eh not really anymore

• Sylvia's siblings r screaming

• Dom broke his brother's headphones

• oh god we're starting but I'm still trying to fROST MY CAKE

• Yava I think her name is is like ok gonna join y'all

• Adam's racist

• GUESS EVERYONE HATES DROWS LMFAO

• Yava hates drows?

• Yava's gonna help protect the house

• I currently cannot breathe because there is a dirty diaper being changed around me and it is

• Aerana theo and asyna r downstairs

• Adam busts down the door and tells asyna to cook

○ Pushing yava into our house

○ "hi everyone this is yava this is my bard teacher she's gonna b basically our security for tonight"

○ Yava tugs on adam's shoulder and gestures to the pile of bodies

§ "yava remember when I said I got attacked last night . This was our self defense pile"

§ Yava apologizes to us for the nature of our circumstances

§ "if any of my friends - or you - " ok a/n: adam has put a suspicious amount of trust in yava given the amount of time and I'm shook

• Outside entrance doors

• Door opened by someone not a member of adam's party or by yava after dark, then spell set off

• All of our windows have been blown up but were boarded up

• Adam puts glyphs on doors and windows they used to get in last time and on basement hatchet and one on kitchen entrance

○ Making them all cold

○ Den on the second floor?

○ I wanna eat my cake

○ Glyphs will unspell around 8 a.m. the next day

○ I !! Wanna eat my cake :)

○ "when u wake up tmrw morning can u deactivate all the spells"

§ She would not b able to reactivate it if we did that

○ It won't dispel until the three days r over

• Jacob forgot celandine's name

• There r street vendors

• There's no ice box like no place to keep drinks cool in the house and apparently that's weird

• We need to feed yava

• "if asyna ,,, turned into a pig" marguerite, 2020

• Dom brings up lotr count: 1

○ Specifically namedrops "the fellowship of the ring" count: 2

• We're going grocery shopping

• Adam and asyna and theo r gonna go grocery shopping ? 18 for investigation

○ Not rlly grocery stores but ppl selling food everywhere

○ I want . Grilled chicken

○ Or like fried chicken

○ chicken

§ Maybe I'll microwave the pasta I made for dinner w some extra cheese on top

• Adam gets pork loins, potatoes, green beans, butter, bread, garlic, salt and pepper (which we have), strawberry sponge cake, heavy cream, chardonnay

○ Cel is making way back to house

○ Perception check, aerana 6

○ Aerana is looking around, sees yava making rounds; yava doesn't seem to treat aerana any differently

○ Eventually aerana sees cel arrive

○ Cel gets back

§ The bodies r not there anymore

□ IT SMELLS LIKE MISTLETOE

□ There is no mistletoe

• "heh. That could be scary" dom, 2020

• I'M H U N G R Y

• "tuesdays are pork loin nights" adam 2020

• Theo works on potatoes

• Cel pops in

• "adam did you make the garlic bread like I asked you to" theo, 2020

• Adam makes cooking intelligence check, 15

• Dinner is done

• Yava is done with one of the spells

• Something's happening I tuned out for two seconds

• Yava no longer considers self as one who goes on adventures but is now asking for our motivation for seeking this treasure

• Yava asks us for our motivations

○ Adam: revenge on bingbong

○ I don't remember the rest but it's not for the money

• Yava says she admirers the nobler goal of keeping the gold out of the hands of the xanathar guild

○ We don't know what we'll do w gold; cel is on team chuck-it-into-the-ocean

○ Could throw it into typ pit

• Oh my god. My cake slaps.

○ I want to focus on what yava is saying rn basically she's proposing we return the money if/when we get it but MY C A K E S L A P S

○ I N C R E D I B L E

○ Yava thinks there's a need for the money

• We don't know if yava is gonna report us

• Adam is gonna feed ot

○ Adam scoots the food back

○ Adam walks upstairs and says he's gonna b gone for five minutes and doesn't come back

• Cel asks yava abt her adventuring days

○ Was part of a nobles court years ago

○ Pirates too ig

○ I want cheese I want pasta with cheese

○ Has been to island of chault

○ Am I microwaving my pasta uh yes

○ Bet my fbi agent is judging me for how I'm reaching for my pasta from the microwave to avoid unplugging my earbuds

• Theo asks for advice from yava

○ Advises us to be safe but also to seek adventure where we can

○ Can get in over our head tho

○ MAN THIS PASTA IS G O O D I PUT MOZZARELLA ON TOP BRUHHHH

○ Yava is spending the rest of her time still guarding our house

• Never have I ever

○ Adam

○ Aerana

○ Theo

○ Cel

○ Asyna

§ Been in a relationship

§ Been outside of waterdeep

§ Had drugs

§ A good relationship w parents

§ Not had Pets

§ Worn pajamas

§ Thrown up on someone

§ Education

§ Talked to a god or deity

§ Eaten meat

□ Asyna is a vegetarian but made the best pork loin

§ Met my mom

§ Swallowed a key

○ Asyna wins

§ Adam has to kiss ot

□ "this is super important the xanathar r upstairs" tells him to whisper kisses him on the forehead then runs upstairs

§ Cel and theo have to be one big person, go find yava and have a short chat as one person

□ Takes aerana's cloak

□ "do you want to be the top or bottom"

□ Theo is legs cel is heads and arms

○ Aerana has to hug everyone

§ Slaps adam when he accuses her of touching his butt; 11 damage

§ It's canon aerana can't hug

○ Cel sits on theo's shoulders (doing this bc yava is back)

§ Adam gives them a mustache w the purple wig

§ Gave up on walking in coordination

§ Yava is in kitchen standing near entrance, eyes closed kneeling, focusing on spell

§ Plans change cel and theo r gonna go to fallah's shop

§ They're gonna do it the next day w yava actually

• It's abt 11

○ Before yava leaves n during theo's shift, hear a knock at front door

○ Theo looks through peephole

§ Dwarf at the door wearing a guild uniform

§ Two other ppl w her

§ Gnome w them, one appears to b taller

□ Female dwarf, male gnome, somebody taller

□ Yava looks through the peephole and says they don't look to b armed

□ Theo opens the door a crack; the ppl had been repeatedly knocking

□ "female dwarf woman"

□ Half moon spectacles n long ponytail + taller human woman w cropped hair

□ They're all wearing a uniform

□ Utilitarian brown clothes

§ "hello there my name is kalima n these r mertram and harriet; members of one of the city guilds the plumbers guild"

□ Informed by city watch of magical explosion

□ Theo says to reschedule their inspection

□ Theo roasts n says they should've come earlier

® 5 persuasion check

□ They'll come back in two days

□ Lmao lavinia we learning

□ They step down the stairs and confer on the doorstep as leaving

® Look around house and discussing + carrying out informal measurements

® Can't hear anything then they walk away

□ Tells whoever has next watch what happened

□ Yava leaves during adam's watch

® Before she leaves adam thanks her for her work + says he's glad she's become a relevant character in this campaign

® "don't thank me yet adam"

• That's it

• Lord of the rings mention counter: 2

#sn #14 #dnd #d&d #wdh

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otomeonfleek · 7 years ago

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Imagine: If Voltage guys were Life-Hack College Students

No one asks for these wonderful shit pieces, but they tickle my fancy and I deliver unlike Digiorno. It’s also in honor of how I start uni again tmrw. Sup junior yr.

The following is based off of likely real events in being horrifically innovative as a poor college student.

-------------------------

Shusei Hayakawa from Our Two Bedroom Story

1. Unplug everything when leaving the house

After an exhausting week of midterms, you and Shusei were due for a well-deserved date. You eagerly wait in front of his apartment door and faintly hear him clambering on the other side. Within seconds, the door slams open and he sends a sheepish smile. “(Y/N)!! You’re here!”

You suppress a laugh at how frazzled he seems with his light tresses sticking up in random directions and the stain on his favorite gray hoodie. Sometimes he could be a complete ditz and forget to get ready on time. “Hey! Are you ready to go?”

He nods with a bright smile and says, “Just give me a minute! You can step inside for now.” Stepping to the side, he lets you enter and starts to flit around the room.

Curious, you slip off your shoes and lean against the arm of his beat-up leather sofa.

The blonde starts to chatter mindlessly as he wrestles his arm into every nook and cranny of the room, casually pulling out electrical cords. From the TV to the toaster and AC, he unplugs every single power outlet without batting a lash. Even dangling his long legs above the back of the couch and his voice is muffled, likely from the blood rushing to his head, he’s still speaking to you normally as he seeks out the final plug.

He slides back and jumps to his feet, “Ah. We should get going now or we’ll be late for the lunch special.” Without missing a beat, he strides to the front door and slips on his worn converse.

“...Shusei...Why’d you unplug everything??” You can’t help, but ask.

Since arriving at his apartment, his then chipper mood dips a bit. “O-Oh that. It’s just a habit, I guess! My electric bill is never over $50 ahah.” Chuckling awkwardly, he opens the door with an embarrassed flush on his face.

Noting his drop in mood, you try, “Whoaa!! That’s amazing. You’ll have to teach me more, Master Shusei!” You joke and loop your arm in his.

A fond look takes over and he grins, “Oh, I don’t know if a pupil like you could keep up in the way of the frugal!!”

-----------------------

Shintaro Ando from When Destiny Comes Knocking:

2. Steal from the rich and give to the poor

One of the best ways to get out and not spend money was taking evening walks. Both you and Shintaro made it a habit to explore nice neighborhoods and judge the houses. It sounded silly, but when you’re scrounging for every penny and dreaming off the high life, it wasn’t too horrid of a date idea. The areas were safe, pleasant to look at, and you weren’t spending a dime.

You often would end the evening in giggles as you pretended to envision the affairs that Margaret would take part in with her husband, Richard, away on business in Madrid.

“Poor Richard. He never saw it coming-with the gardener, nonetheless.” You mumble with faux sympathy as you and your bespectacled beau pass the gated, three-storied mansion with a gaudy outdoor fountain and cobble walkway.

Playing along, he chokes back a laugh and comments, “Well, Richard’s a moron! He should’ve known better. The peonies have been dying for weeks, so he should have known that gardener wasn’t doing no gardening!” His thick Kansai accent comes out to play as he exchanges jokes.

Doubling over in guffaws at the storyline, you are soon joined by your partner in crime as you hold onto another for support. “You’re not wrong-the peonies are shit.” You concur and then stop to admire the next house.

Momentarily mystified at his sudden silence and gaping mouth, you follow his line of vision and pause at the sight of an orange tree. This particular house does not have a gate and you can already hear him thinking.

“No. We can’t.” You state, stiffly.

Ignoring your reasoning, he spares you a blank look and asks, “Do you know how expensive produce is?” Without waiting for your answer, he steps forward with his suddenly beady eyes flitting around for any obvious security cameras.

From your still place, you hiss at him, “I said no!! What if we get caught?” Now paranoid, you similarly start to glance around with worry. Despite being incredibly competent in school as a Dean’s List student, he’s a complete idiot in other life aspects and will likely go to jail for orange theft, you note.

“This guy drives a Lexus!! I think he could stand to lose a few oranges. Besides I haven’t had real fruit in months!” He half-whispers to you as he starts to shamelessly pick off desired oranges from the tree and rest them in the pockets of his sweater.

Before you can argue, the light from that same house flickers on and you both scramble away in the direction of your parked Toyota.

You don’t bother to glance back to see if he’s close behind as you shout, “If we go to jail because you can’t spend $5 on fruit, I’ll kill you!!”

There’s a thump behind you and you can only hear him cry in anguish, “C-Crap, my oranges!!”

---------------------------

Shohei Aiba from In Your Arms Tonight

3. Use your bathtub for laundry when you run out of spare change

After a fun day at Aiba’s neighborhood pool, you both trod into his apartment with intentions of changing. As students, it’s difficult to go out of your way or pay for a gym membership for exercise, and so his pool is heaven sent.

Despite your earlier enjoyment, you now are both miserably dripping with chlorine in your swimwear and holding uselessly saturated towels.

Being a gentleman of sorts, he insists you use the shower first. Taking his offer, you head into the single bathroom and are about to slip off your curve-hugging one piece when you halt in your tracks.

Sliding the glass shower doors open, you nearly lose your shit. “Shohei...” You call out weakly.

Footsteps approach and he knocks from the other side, baritone slightly concerned, “Is something wrong??”

You turn the knob and see him blush, likely expecting you to be nude or clad in a towel. His face loosens and he cocks his head at your still garment-clad appearance, “What’s up?”

Stepping aside, you gesture at the tub filled with laundry soaked in detergent and color-catcher sheets. “Is that what I think it is?”

His instantly blanches and trips over his on words, “A-AH, that is...! I-I... I kind of ran out of change for the laundry mat hahah.”

The earnest brunette groans as he covers his face in shame, collapsing to sit on the closed lid of his toilet seat, “Ugh, you probably think I’m some loser now...”

Yes, the fact that he’s using his bathtub as a makeshift laundry machine due to his shortage of change is slightly off-putting and clearly indicates a life struggle. On top of how comically defeated he looks while pouting on his toilet, you can see how he might think that.

However, you could never think so poorly of your own boyfriend. You fell for him because of how selfless, genuine, and awkwardly goofy he was.

You shake your head and deny him, “No way!”

He perks up at how sure you sound only to hunch over when you follow up with, “I already knew you were a loser!”

Smirking lightly at his groan, you sink to your knees beside the tub and suggest, “Well, we should probably start scrubbing and wringing them dry or your clothes will get ruined.”

His warm caramel irises comically water and he launches himself at you in a tight embrace. “I love you so much!!”

----------------------------

Kishi Mamoru from Kissed By the Baddest Bidder

4. Make sure people Venmo you back

You were far from the type to automatically expect for your partner to pay for everything. In fact, you typically did half and half for the check. However, there were some times that truly grated on your nerves when it came to your slacker boyfriend and money.

At a rather pivotal turning point in the film, Mamoru leans over to complain, “I’m hungry.”

You suppress an eye roll at how only he would have the audacity to ignore such an engaging storyline in favor of his stomach. This is a horror film where one of the most beloved protagonists just got strangled by a ghost and he couldn’t care less. Sighing, you suggest, “Go get some popcorn or something then.”

He hums thoughtfully, “Do you want some too?”

“Huh? Yeah, sure...Go away now.” Throwing a hand up to simultaneously shut him up and shoo him, you jolt in your seat at the sudden jumpscare.

“AHH!” The entire movie theater sans Mamoru screams with a follow-up in delighted laughter at how admittedly obvious the scene was.

Your boyfriend sighs and slinks out of the seat to the refreshments stand.

When the movie is long over and you are both lazing around on his apartment couch, you do a double-take at what he says next.

With his battered iPhone 4 in his hand, he mumbles, “So when are you going to venmo me for the popcorn?”

Your (e/c) flit to him in shock and he shamelessly meets your stare. “W-Wait, what? That was your popcorn! I hardly ate any of it,” you protest.

Lazily, he cocks his head with a smirk and says, “So you admit you ate some of it. That will be $2.50 please.” He turns his phone and the cracked screen is pulled up to his venmo account.

For a tiny moment, you are impressed with how he managed to get a confession from you. Damn, maybe Mamoru really could be a detective. He could be sharp when he wanted. You glance at the old Apple model in his hands and mentally snicker at how the Criminal Justice major ironically doesn’t look as sharp.

Switching to reality, you sit up on the couch to fix him with a glare. “Mamo, you really want me to pay you back for $2.50 and for food that I barely ate?”

He shrugs his shoulders and there is just a hint of a grin tugging at his lips, “Every penny counts.”

Huffing, you pull out your phone and start to work on transferring the money. You ignore the victorious expression on his visage and practically feel his excitement at being paid.

Suddenly recalling a recent outing, you pull up the billing information on your bank account and turn to him with a chilling grin. “If it’s going to be like that, then, you owe me for that time I paid for KBBQ! With tip, that’s $27.13 please!” Sarcastically, you open your palm towards him and flex your fingertips in a lecherous way.

At once, the older junior pales and practically starts to sweat with his stormy-hued eyes darting side to side. Rubbing the back of his head, he coughs awkwardly. “I’ll tell you what, babe. You don’t have to pay me back anymore. I’ll take it out of what you owe me.” A sheepish expression takes over his face and you laugh, bumping shoulders with him at how silly worrying over every penny the other owes is.

----------------------------

Nozomu Fuse from True Love, Sweet Lies

5. Use flashlights when the lights are broken

Deciding to stay the night at his house to study for an upcoming exam, you excuse yourself to use the bathroom. Your cheery partner only nods, promising to finish the next problem by the time you return. Sometimes statistics was hard, but having a secret genius like Nozomu helps.

You pad over to the toilet and flip on the switch. Pulling your leggings and panties down, you shriek when the lights suddenly flicker off. Left in the dark and in distress, you call out for your boyfriend whose footsteps you can already hear clambering up the steps.

“(Y/N)!! Are you okay?? I’m coming in!” The door knob turns and you shut your legs for decency’s sake.

There is a short second before the sudden glare of his Samsung smartphone’s light momentarily blinds you.

You cover your eyes and demand, “What the hell?? Is there a blackout or something? Why are the lights out?”

Nozomu places his phone down on the flat of the sink counter with the light better helping than blinding you. He starts to chuckle with a slight nervous edge in his voice as he explains, “A-Ah, well...There’s no blackout. The bathroom light’s just kind of broken.”

“...Well, why don’t you fix it?” The solution to his issues is so obvious, you note while trying to ignore how ridiculous you feel sitting on his toilet with your garments wrapped against your ankles.

He doubles over in awkward giggles that sound worriedly stressed before admitting, “Ahah, I don’t have any money for that...yet!”

With his face nearly twitching at how desperately he’s trying to convince you and himself that finances aren’t ruining him, he reaches into a drawer and fishes an emergency light. “In the meantime, you can use this flashlight! It’s more powerful than any phone light and waaay more peaceful than having all these blaring ceiling lights everywhere! Yup, this is fine!” He turns it on and positions it vertically so the beam is shining across the ceiling.

Shooting you a final smile with a pained edge, he exits the room with his smartphone in hand and carefully shuts the door.

After a few moments, you feel your face fall again in noticing the lack of toilet paper. Your memory wanders to his kitchen and the stack of Starbucks napkins you saw earlier.

You need to help this man.

-------------

Toma Kiriya from Irresistable Mistakes

6. Use cafe wifi when your internet’s down

You were walking to your dorm after a late-night gym session when you noticed Toma standing in front of your campus Starbucks with an employee. The brunette with a notorious attitude problem was clutching his laptop case in one hand and in the other holding a water cup.

As you got closer, you could hear what was being exchanged and felt your soul leaving its body.

“Sir, I told you that we’re going to have to ask you to leave.” The barista in the infamous green apron states calmly, an exhausted expression apparent on their face from working hectic shifts with lunatics like your boyfriend as clientele.

Accordingly, the accounting major huffs and strikes a defiant pose. His chin juts up and his eyes steel, “I already told you that I bought something! Why can’t I stay??” He raises his drink as if it will automatically save him from this argument.

The other college student’s visage turns blank as they state, “...Sir, you only bought a water cup. Second, I told you that it’s already closing time.” With frustrating wavering through, the employee glances down at their smartwatch for emphasis.

“Listen buddy, my internet’s been down this whole week. I need just fifteen more minutes of wifi to finish my essay on microeconomic theory and I know that the modem is too far to connect when I’m sitting out here! So for the love of all that is caffeinated, please let me stay!!” Toma’s cold attitude is suddenly overshadowed by his clear desperation as he pleads.

Sighing, the worker asks with a slightly bored look, “How long have you been awake?”

“Thirty-two hours, but who’s counting?” Your boyfriend rubs at his eyes blearily, the typical flannel of his whipping around him as the air outside grows colder.

Budging with sudden empathy for his fellow university student, the barista stands aside and props the door open. “Fine, you can stay...Some of us wanted to finish some assignments anyway and the internet in the library is shit.”

Before the hopeful swimmer/accounting major can enter, you decide to finally jog up to them. “Wait!! I’ll take him. This is my boyfriend and I can worry about him from here! Thank you!” You wrap your hands around his arm and gently tug him away from the somewhat relieved coffee-worker.

In a confused and exhausted stupor, the male groans, “(Y-N), how the hell did you get here? I almost got in and you ruined it!”

Rolling your eyes, you explain, “Sweetie, don’t bother the nice Starbucks employees. They want to go home too.”

With his arm in yours, you steer him towards your dorm building. He teeters a bit from the lack of sleep and screeches to a halt, “But my essay!” From yourself to the earlier horrified baristas, it is clear to all that Toma takes his studies seriously to the point of forgoing his shame and health.

Observing the dark blotches underneath his eyes and his heavily wrinkled garments, you say, “I think you should eat properly first. I made some soup...And there’s internet at my dorm.”

When his fatigued orbs lighten and he leans more towards you with his laptop case in tow, you know that he’ll be fine.

---------------------------

Kenzo Yasukawa from After School Affairs

7. Use all forms of payment

With midterms finally over, you and your boyfriend decide to visit the mall to celebrate. Walking hand-in-hand, you air out your grievances over how one of your professors grade when Kenzo abruptly starts walking faster.

In his towering height, he manages to tug you with ease towards a nearby gamestore. His breathing is suddenly irregular as he presses his free hand against the business’s glass, amber optics locked on a particular ninja and robot-themed poster.

“I can’t believe it released today. I have to get it.” He’s practically talking to himself as he marches into the store, you trailing behind in slight bewilderment.

Making a bee-line to the wall of feudal Japan and mecha-accented items, his hand darts out to snatch a game off the shelve. As if suddenly remembering your presence and ongoing date, the blonde grins sheepishly. “Aww sorry, I’ve been waiting for Robot Ninjas 3 forever!”

The game title makes you cringe, but you only nod in understanding. As his partner, you accept his peculiar tastes.

After a brief wait in line, he steps up to pay with you at his side. Exchanging cordial pleasantries with the cashier, the aspiring pre-medical student fishes out his wallet and starts to produce various forms of payment. He places a random stack of dollar bills on the counter, then slides out his cards.

Without missing a beat, he shoots a cheery smile with closed eyes and asks, “Is it okay if I pay $16 in cash, do $30 on debit, and pay the rest from my credit card?”

You feel your heart hammer in your chest for your boyfriend and want to help him pay, but know that he wouldn’t want that. Suppressing your urge to pay, you force yourself to watch what happens next.

When the employee hesitates, Kenzo’s eyes flutter open and seem strained as he explains in a low voice, “I’m sorry, but I’m dirt poor right now because I just bought a $150 MCAT prep book and have been waiting for this game for years.” The normal liveliness and peace in his amber stare dies out and his mouth twitches.

You nearly lose it when the cashier suddenly nods and says, “Dude, same. I got you.” Then, he proceeds to enter in the different payments into the POS system before seeing you off warmly as you both leave.

Turning to your boyfriend, you peck him on the cheek and say, “Why don’t we go back to the apartment so you can play and I’ll order us some pizza?” You casually include your offer of getting dinner.

His eyes crinkle with joy and he wraps his arm around your shoulder to press a kiss against your forehead, “I’ll go easy on you for one round then.”

#voltage inc #love 365 #toma kiriya #mamoru kishi #Our Two Bedroom Story #when destiny comes knocking #In Your Arms Tonight #Nozomu Fuse #Irresistible mistakes #After School Affairs #kissed by the baddest bidder #imagine #shohei aiba #voltage games #voltage otome

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angelblumes · 4 years ago

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sorry for being late this is for yesterday!! I got more 🍃 and it knocked me out also after having a little panic attack I swear. same person! I also stopped watching hannibal after like 1-2 episodes in the 3rd season, its a very high emotional show for me, I was getting way into it. I went on a boat yesterday for a couple hours, we didn't go anywhere it was just? parked ? it was docked? idk what the term is. Rich people are so weird, my grandma has a new boyf that has a boat and he's a chef and I think he owns the restaurant? he is okay tho. we were talking abt having an end of summer cookout and he talked abt bringing seafood to grill? it was a hotdogs and hamburger party, but I mean that means we don't have to buy that much food soo whatev. If he wants to try to impress us with money, he can go ahead I guess, its not gonna change the way I judge him tho. okay im done talking abt that. well one more thing, im very picky with my people. I took a nice ass shower yesterday 😌 it was beautiful. I had a couple hours to myself, I needed that. I had diner food, chicken and fries w ranch 😋

oh no!!! sorry i'm late too!! i love u fr we are so connected it rlly is such an emotional show. i don't remember yesterday 😭 i'll try my best but i'll reply to ur newest ask next :). i ate the last cookie😓😭 those icingy dry delicious things. i had like a cinnamon apple donut it was so goood im gonna try eating another tmrw but heating it up a little!! no idea what i dreamt. something scary i think! this spot on my head is like really sensitive? i shaved my head a few months ago and most of its good right but right at that same spot there's not enuf hair? like the opposite side looks fine but then that one is like balding or smth😐🙄. i talked to a friend i missed. andddd ummmmmm.... i woke up at 9am. evil.

#5 daily things #asks #off to the next one!

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solsspace · 6 years ago

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Hey,

I had a show @ the hospital today.

It made me abit uneasy cause you know how hospitals are for me. But it was alright, it was a simple show.

But it was the same block where Nenek started getting sicker and also the same block where Aunty Honey passed away at. I don’t think you ever forget the smell of hospitals.

I also called Esplanade, they said they couldn’t tell me if they were going ahead with the programme this year because they haven’t gotten confirmation so that sucks a lil bit. So I guess I’ll have to wait and see how it is. I hope they go through with it, then I’ll have some income and start saving.Then I’ll prolly plan to go see Fatin, and the baby and Chris. I wanted to propose to you there - in Canada I mean, maybe by a moose. Haha. That’s a stupid idea. But it’s a stupid idea that might make you laugh or judge me for it.

I’m sorry I can’t text you all this, I worry - that you know - friends don’t tell friends this, maybe I haven’t figured out how to move from this dynamic yet. It’s the weekend tmrw so maybe we will talk about this, maybe we won’t. I will see, I guess. I’ll go with the flow about this, I’m not expecting anything.

I love you, have a good night. Sweet dreams Fit.

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dogjaws2 · 8 years ago

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the older i get: the more i find myself writing things about how i am getting older.. And The more I find myself saying things like, "the older I get, _____" like I've won my right to wax poetic about growing. Growth. The transition from one dimension of suffering, to another. Only in the beginning, it doesn't seem like suffering. I don't know. The older I get, the more I suffer. I just accept it now. And Parts of me still fight, but my brain is just like, "yo man that's just how it is going to be. Ok?. Ok." Accepting a reality that you don't agree with is hard. Its like your constantly hating the world and yet still choosing to live in it. The older I get, the more I realize I am just going to have to live through the shitty parts. there is a certain versatility to getting older though. where in, you stop caring so much about fitting into whatever fucking thing you were trying to fit into when you were young. Cool shit isn't really a priority anymore. Cool things become kind of like this bonus part of your life. Like oh hey wow that's really cool. Or at least that's how I feel. I feel like I used to be cool. Maybe that was an illusion. I feel like a loser now. And when I stumble into some cool shit I'm like oh dope I'm hip. What up. I don't know. I guess you become familiar with losing. Unless you're like a fucking jock or something. But You realize that the world can really fuck your shit up. It can take things from you, without asking. So you learn the hard way, that you gotta hold on to the good stuff.. even though sometimes the good stuff is slippery. Sometimes the good stuff doesn't want you to hold on to it. Where am I going with this. Fitting in. You don't put the effort into it like you used to. You're to busy to worry about fitting into some mould. Fuck the moulds man, the moulds are the devil. You want to be the cool guy with the leather jacket and cigarette, nah man that's a hollow fucking identity. With any luck, you start to develop a sort of moral integrity that acts as a compass in social situations. Should I stay and do cocaine all night with these 3 sketchy people? Or should I go home and sleep. Well lets do the math. What do I want out of life. What do I need to do tmrw. Who do I want to be? Morally speaking, is this a good idea? I don't know. The older I get, the more I realize that I have all these great ideas about how to help myself, but I never actually follow through on any of them. You know? Like I end up staying and doing the Cocaine with the 3 sketchy people. Because I cling to the fun side of things still and that's not always practical but its hard to have fun now in days and so when I have the option I'm like fuck ya. I don't know. The older I get the more I realize I don't follow through on things. Getting older has this versatility though, that's where I think I was beginning with this whole thing. Like listening to music for instance. I just have this crazy ability to listen to whatever the fuck I want, and not worry about what anybody else will think. its the effort that starts to slip, i think. i used to be stuck listening to certain genres like a sucker because i thought it had some affect on how others might view me. Seriously. Like I wanted to be perceived a certain way so I had to edit my life accordingly. I couldn't listen to country music because it would mean I'm not cool. Not that I want to listen to country music now but you know what I mean. I'll listen to anything now, because I don't feel like the music I listen to, reflects that much information about me. The only people that would judge me on my music tastes are assholes, and see then fuck those people anyways, right? And yet people are still sooo particular about their music. Like is tied into their ego. Like if you put on the wrong song, you're a loser. sometimes its like its tied into their ego. and i get that, you wanna be about your interests. You wanna seem metal or punk or- eventually you realize that there are things you need to hate, and things you dont. feelings are involuntary most of the time, but experience allows you to develop some sort of clarity in regards to when and where you want to feel stuff. at least thats what i pretend. And so I have stopped hating genres of music, because I feel like that's a waste of time. I know this guy who acts like he knows the best music. Only him. Like if you put on a song and he doesn't like it, he's like all snobby about it and its like. Fuck off. You're being an asshole. I used to be like that but man I have since then learned to appreciate a wide variety of music. I feel like the older I get, the more accepting I am of lots of things. And maybe that is because most of the things I didn't accept when I was young, I was taught not to accept. So somebody else was forming my opinion. I saw somebody else do something and I thought ok ya me too. But when you get older you start really taking stock in your individual tastes in things. You start investing in your own preferences, and its fine and fun to go your own way. When you are young, and you try to stray from the pack, people criticize you for it. I remember people saying to me, "oh you're just trying to be different" "oh Greg always has to be different" and its like, fuckin eh. I was trying to follow my own nose. I was trying to listen to myself instead of just doing what everyone else was doing but it's lonely sometimes. And that's why people always come back to their egos because they feel like it protects them from loneliness. They feel like it insulates them from being looked at as a weirdo. I invested so much time into my ego when I was a kid. Because that's what you think will help you get laid. But Its so liberating to just let go of all those expectations. I can put on spice girls in my truck and fucking blast it with the windows down and roll down the street and not even give a care. When did that happen and like how did that happen? Why was I so afraid when I was a kid. Is that just like part of it? Like you follow the group for survival, and then you realize you can survive on your own so you start celebrating that fact? anyways, i feel like i can listen to anything, freely now. and in part, that is also due to the fact that music is literally accessible from my pocket. it takes me about 34 seconds to find the song i want to listen to. and if i feel like looking for new music, there are limitless opportunities for me to discover new bands. But to be honest, half the time im just trying to remember all the songs that have slipped away from me. all the music i used to listen to, before mp3's were the norm. or at least, all the music that was on my computer, 6 computers ago. and if im not trying to trace those songs down, im looking up new songs, by those old bands. i feel like music should just stop for awhile so i can catch up on all the old stuff. it shouldnt even be an option that you can listen to a single song by itself. it should be the entire album or nothing.like a record. I should buy records. i have heard one song, by 3 million different bands. And I feel badly about that. Maybe the rest of their music is fantastic? But I'm so busy listening to 6 thousand other bands that I only have time for this one song. No that's not true actually I have tried to listen to some albums in full, and in realizing there is only one song i like, i develop a sort of hatred for the band. like, uh ok so i spent 30 mins on this shit and there's nothing catchy. This band sucks. Although I would never say that. okay so then i take back what i said about how you should have to listen to the full album. the fact that you can look up a single song and download it and sing along to it and show your friends and maybe even put it on in the car or at a party and dance to it, thats so cool. and so ya anything goes now. i was looking through the archives of old music blogs i used to visit, and found some 2006 shit and it brought me back man. 10 years ago. i found all these songs and bands that i listened to back then, but never really understood the lyrics to. But now when I listen to that music, with a better understanding of the world, it all sounds a little different. The same. But different, like I can extract more meaning from it or I can see the desperate parts more clearly. also, there was obviously this big high of nostalgia. because it reminded me of myself, back then. in 2006. i graduated in 2006 and life was so fucking different. and its fun to have an excuse to launch yourself back into those memories. some of those memories i never would have remembered had it not been for some of that music. the songs had latched onto the moments better than i had, you know? all of a sudden its like your watching this movie of yourself at 17 or 18, except its not a movie its just music but with that same amount of colour and motion. i can see my friends back then and my old house and i can feel the energy almost. i can feel where my head was at. like my brain is being put into an old shell of itself, but it expands and fits into it like a glove. like ice cubes freezing into a tray. and im there. i think everyone in the world has a love affair for the music from their youth. its got this really sad poetic glow to it, that you can only see when your looking at it from where you are now. there is a song somewhere that has lyrics about something like that "how you can only see the magic password when your looking at it backwards, or through a rear view mirror" or something like that i dont know. and i like that idea in itself, too. i like that idea of reflection. mainly because im at an age where it still feels fun, and not forced. im 28 so its kind of a stretch for me to sit there in a rocking chair and recall my teenage years. i see older people talk about when they where young and its depressing because they are so fucking far away from those days. its literally been a lifetime since they've done some of the shit they talk about. my youngness doesn't feel out of reach. and maybe im delusional because you obviously cant travel back in time, but it still kinda feels like i can talk about it without people rolling their eyes at me. for the record, i do like hearing older people talk about their youth, i know i will get old too. and i dont mean to sound like a hypocrite but. now that i am older. ish. 28. i can listen to anything i want. and that same sort of freedom can be translated to other parts of my life as well. i can eat what i want. i can say what i want. both obviously have repercussions, but nobody will stop me. anything goes for me right now. i do have some financial limitations, and presently, some legal limitations, but nobody is telling me not to have chocolate cake for breakfast. nobody is telling me i can't talk about how trippy the human eye ball is. in fact, i've made it so that the people i spend most of my time with, accept most of the things i do and say. i've surrounded myself with friends that even encourage me. they support my ramblings. they think its cool that i eat chocolate cake. if they didnt think it was cool. i wouldnt hang out with them. Instead of vice versa. one thing i do care about still, is how i dress. it gives me great anxiety to get on the bus in a dirty shirt. i still have trouble finding pants that fit. i am self conscious about how i walk. i can't seem to stop worrying about my physical appearance. high school was way worse, but i just can't shake the feeling that people are paying attention to my outfits or my facial hair or my skinny elbows or my really skinny legs god do i hate my skinny fucking legs. And this is just me being honest. I fucking wish I didn't feel this way oh my god I wish I could just put on pants and a t shirt but nothing fucking fits properly. I see these people who walk into a store and grab the first shirt they see and it fits. I'm like woah how did you do that. Being tall and lanky is a fucking curse when it comes to clothing. maybe this is reflective of my own interest in others physicality. maybe it shows that i am still interested in what other people wear. if i can change my outward perspective, maybe i can change my inward perspective. im gonna work on that. it takes time to learn things about yourself. so much of your young life is spent just doing things because you want to. when you start to figure out why you want to do something. thats when things become complicated. then you develop this ability to feel guilty about your decisions. when you are young, you can avoid all that sort of emotional, moral, responsibility. but when you are older,ish, 28. you don't just see your face or your body in the mirror you see this whole entire life. you see everything its connected to, you see last night and you see the meeting you have tmrw morning and you see this fucking bill you really have to pay but you just cant afford it because you spent all your money on alcohol. again. I guess sometimes you can get away with a good hair day. sometimes you can be on some fucking weird trip that allows you to look in the mirror with confidence. and in those moments, its just a mirror. its just some shiny thing that lets you see how you look. maybe for that moment, you look how you want. sometimes you look in the mirror and you are content. but most of the time, you want something from yourself. when i think about the freedom i have now, vs the freedom i had when i was a kid, i stand on a fence. nobody tells me what to do anymore, but that is also kind of the scary part. i think that freedom to make your own decisions is much more important though, because that's where the individual begins. I miss having my dinner made for me and my food paid for but like i have way more options now. being young, i tried so hard to be this cool guy, that i wasn't even really myself. it was like i was creating a video game character. i was so into myself, that i could barely understand things that didn't somehow have to do with me. like a sunset. i saw it, but i wanted it to be about me somehow. i wanted someone to know i was seeing it or i had to be with someone to prove it was there, maybe? now i have found that i can experience moments in life, by myself and i can let them change me on their own. and that can be my interaction. that is enough on its own. But im not on some conquest to be lonely here either, thats not what im saying. even in moments with people, like the man at the store who i talk to for five minutes. i know ill never see him again and i know he cant do anything for me or my image or whatever, but i actually enjoy talking to him and learning about whatever the fuck it is hes saying. does that make sense? i dont need anything from it. i just enjoy the experience itself. there is that versatility again, like the music. i can listen to anything i want to right now and if someone was to look at me and say, "greg are you fucking listening to dmx," i would say fuck you man this music is what i want to listen to. and i would have conviction saying that. because i believe it. on that front, i have complete freedom. i feel like i can listen to anything. but my favourite thing to listen to, still seems to be, the music that i grew up with. Weird.

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