#he very immediately communicates with his body language a feeling of unpredictability and an experience with and capacity for violence

[bloggrgirl]

"here's one for you greg. do you think if i spoke posh i would have a better career? not better, bigger."

[apexland]

Spared

Bloodhound x Reader 

Warnings! Swearing, Violence

Might be a few errors here and there, still need to go through it properly!

Preparing for the drop every legend had a different pre-game ritual that helped get them in the zone before the beginning of every match, some more questionable than others such as Octane who uses the time for gaming, completely strange but I think it would be more concerning to see him sitting still or the likes of Revenant who always disappears before the drop, Mirage always says he’s away skinning something or doing something murderous. Bloodhound though they have always been a scary legend to come face to face with in battles, before every match they sit sharpening the edge of axe that they always carried along with them. Bloodhound always kept their cards close, never giving much away and I think that was the scariest part, being unpredictable. At least with Dr. Caustic you knew he wanted to watch you die a slow and painful death within his toxic gas. 

My ritual before the drop was listening to music, eyes closed, I found it easier than talking to the people I was about to face off with in the arena - it made it easier to pull the trigger without hesitation. 

As I let out sigh I took out my ear buds, knowing from experience the exact time of the drop, opening my eyes I was met with the blank stare of Bloodhounds mask from across the room the slight red glare that stained the glass looking right back at me. 

I peeled my eyes away once the squads flashed up on the screen. “Race you to the LZ” Octane’s rang out from beside me as we stepped on the platform. I rolled my eyes at him.

“You know we don’t have to race if we are on the same team Silva” He was still jumping on the spot the sound of his legs clanking against the ground. 

“Where’s the fun in that amigo?” 

“Let’s break some circuits” Wattson giggled from the other side of me. “Man, I really need to get a phrase” I said, fixing the strap of my boot, before the floor began to open and we were lowered above the destroyed land of World’s Edge, a chaotic mix of the epicentre that lay thick with snow, the dome that was surrounded by deadly lava - making it all the more scarier to fight near it, one wrong move and you would be cooked.

Octane - the adrenaline junkie that he is decided that fragment west would be the best option. The most popular landing spots amongst old and new legends and the spectators favourite spot to see a quick bloodbath. But, luck was most defiantly not on my side today scouting two floors and still having no weapon was not ideal. 

“I need a weapon” I said over the comms, sighing at all of the ammo that was one the floor but no gun.

“There’s a Mozambique here” Wattson’s voice came back over the comms.

“Hey! Isn’t that Chey’s line” Octane laughed. I picked up a few more syringes and cells before letting out a sigh followed by a quiet ‘dibs’. It was a good gun but nothing compared the dominant R-99 or the Volt, which judging by my luck the enemies would already be kitted with.

We moved to another building but it was long before the sound of footsteps sounded around us. “We’ve got friends here” I said quietly, a glimmer of luck started to appear when I found a hemlock of the lack of heavy ammo was disappointing. 

Wattson had put up her fences, the loud sound of the burning electricity warned the enemies off slightly. I peaked through one of the barred windows, spotting wraith who was focused on another door of our building I took the shot but she was quick to phase away. 

“Careful Horizon’s probably going to throw her ultimate over here” I warned my squad mates but Wattson quickly replied “I’ll take care of that”

“Wattson now!” I shouted as I seen newt being thrown towards us along with the deadly gas of caustic but luckily the pylon zapped them both down.

“Let’s go!” Octane yelled as he jammed the syringe into his leg before speeding off and we quickly followed, “Watch for traps Silva” I said, trying to catch up with him. I spotted Wraith trying to portal them out of the building, taking it back as she got the warning in her head. I quickly placed down on of my spike traps, pressure sensitive that once stepped on will send a deadly spike usually through the leg disabling the legend, which is exactly what it had down to Caustic as he was the next one to appear through the rift. 

Quickly taking him out, not giving him a chance to put down one of his traps as he muttered a ‘damn you’. Focusing back on the other two, Octane was already pushing to the building along with Wattson and taking care of the rest of the squad.

Finally getting better loot, I started feeling more positive about the match until the sound of Bloodhounds scan and us being in range. “Shit” I whispered. “We need to move now!” 

We scrambled back into the building, but Wattson had been took down by a triple take, I looked behind be to see the same stained red glass looking back at me as Bloodhound lifted their head from the scope of the sniper.

Quickly getting to work by putting down traps at the doors, taking a peak out of the barred window I quickly ducked back down as a bullet skimmed past my ear from the same gun that took Wattson out. I felt the blood from where the bullet grazed but my attention was diverted by the door across from me opening and then scream from Loba as the spike was deep in her leg, taking my chance I used the mastiff that I picked up from the other team to quickly end things. 

One down, two to go. 

“Careful Silva, Bloodhound has a triple take” 

Rampart was the next of their squad to reveal herself as I heard the distant sound of a barrier being placed up along with Sheila’s red laser scanning the walls ready to shred someone apart. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me” I groaned, just as another one of Bloodhound’s scan revealed us yet again. 

“Can you distract them Silva?” Pulling out one of my most deadly traps, once it hit the ground it sends out a wave of spikes that usually without fail impales the enemy long enough for them to need to heal and just the perfect amount of time for me to take them amount.

There was silence from Silva before I seen the green flash of him flying across the other building from his jump pad, that must be the distraction. I quickly snuck out of the building as I heard them both firing at the adrenaline junkie, quickly pulling the pin of the trap with my teeth, I tossed it in the middle of the pair. Octane had went down because of being lasered with Sheila. Getting closer I finished off Rampart, but as I was about to search for Bloodhound, they found me. 

The scary roar of his beast of the hunt sounded out.

Shit

Making a run for it, I didn’t get very far before a bullet got me right in the stomach, wheezing out for air at the sudden impact. Pulling myself up, my back leaning against the wall, the hunter came closer just like a predator stalking their prey. 

They bend down in front of me but as I waited for them to put me out of my misery I felt a hand caress my cheek, confusion washed over me. The hand moved to ghost over the tried blood that had trailed down the side of area and followed the trail on to my neck, goose bumps appearing after every touch. “You fought well, felagi fighter” My heart was thumping, they were so close it was almost making me forget that I was basically bleeding out, which I eventually did but the comfort from the hound made it less painful. 

_____________________________

Waking up in the respawn chambers up, I sat up with haste but immediately feeling the pain in my abdomen which made all of the events from the match flood back to me. Did I imagine it? Did it really happen?”

Then it came to me.

Making my way to the control room, where the cameras got all the footage the process of editing and making sure it’s ready to be aired to the spectators. I knocked on the door waiting for a response before the door flew open. 

“Hey Ezekiel, can you get me my body camera footage from the last match” He looked at me with a tilt of his head”

“Sur- is everything ok?” He asked, looking at me with concern. 

“Yeah, I just missed a few shots and want to review the footage in training” He nodded before turning around and handing me a USB.

“Thank you, appreciate it”

Taking the drive and heading to my room before plugging it in and clicking on the file with my name labelled on it. Skipping all of the footage until I got to the last fight. It did happen and I didn’t imagine it, I closed the screen of the laptop before biting my nail trying to think of what I should do.

Was I overthinking everything? But they didn’t kill me. They should have, like they had done to both of squad mates.

“Hey Anita, have you seen Bloodhound?” The solider was sat down with one of the weapon manuals that was lying around the communal area, building on her already extensive knowledge of every weapon to ever be created.

“Last time I seen them was in the training yard” I gave a quick nod. “Thanks, Anita”

“You’re welcome FNG” Pausing as I looked at her. “I’m not the new one anymore, you said you’d stop calling me that” 

She shrugged at me “It took you long enough to figure out what it meant, you think I am just going to let that go”

 I rolled my eyes at her mumbling ‘funny’, followed by a laugh from Anita “You’re right it is” She always loved when people didn’t follow her military talk, it meant she could basically speak in her own language without anyone knowing it was meant to make fun of them. 

Making my way to the training yard I pushed the door open, there was few other legends training but everyone usually kept well spaced apart because nobody wanted to get dropped in the training yard, that would be embarrassing. 

I spotted the tall frame of the hound, they were on one the last rows.  

Stopping behind them as the Raven’s bite axe flew to the target landing right on the dummy’s heart, I swallowed. Quickly putting my fear aside before I looked like an idiot just standing ther-

“How can I assist you?” Their voice rang out. Of course Bloodhound already new I was here, walking to the target they collected their axe finally looking at me as they walked back to their original standing position. 

“Ah- I just wanted to ask you something” I said, trying to look anywhere but at the intense gaze that was starting back at me. They nodded, giving me the go ahead to continue.

“Why didn’t you kill me” I asked 

“Did you want me to kill you?” They asked, sounding almost puzzled. I let out a sigh “No- I don’t mean it like tha-” I stopped myself, feeling like an idiot I should have just left it alone. 

Bloodhound tilted their head “You know, never mind- it doesn’t matter” but as I was about to walk off i felt a hand on my wrist, stopping me suddenly. “If it is bothering you, tell me” Bloodhound came closer, the close proximity throwing me off once again.

“Like you did with Wattson and Octane” I paused for a second trying to ignore how close they were to me and gather my thoughts “You took them right out, with no mercy- but you waited with me”

“I didn’t want you to suffer” They spoke, the hand came up to push my hair behind my ear, revealing the small stitches on the top of my ear caused from the triple take bullet. The same movement had that they had done in the match brought back the same feelings, causing me to hold my breathe trying to keep my composure. 

Their hand moved to my stomach grazing over the same area of where they had shot me. “The same reason I shot you here, because it would only wind you and the pain would be minimal” 

The touch sent Goosebumps all over my body, my heart hammering in my ears as I looked up at Bloodhound. “Why” I whispered, both of us lost in the moment because we had managed to get even closer barely any space between our bodies.

“You are special, the Allfather has blessed me with you” Their thumb tracing over my bottom lip then falling to my jaw tracing the few dotted cuts on it slowly, “that is why I could not kill you”

[dannyboyzone]

Why these Lookism Bad Guys are liked, a rant by me

Alright, so I have came across a post talking about how Johan is hated on despite being a "bad person", and trashing other characters for absolutely no reason other than guilt tripping people. I personally think the post is immature, but due to my own personality and mental state, it has still got me kind of pressed, because it all sounds ridiculous. This post will be about some people in Lookism that are viewed as a bad people and or are hated on, and why I think they are liked. I won't speak for everybody liking these characters, and it will include some characters that I hate. This post is just to give a general idea for people who are really ignorant about why some characters might receive love. You might have come across that post, and if not, I am talking about this one below. - Well, only a small part of it, that threw me off. -

I didn't include the person's username out of respect and also so they don't feel attacked or anything of the sort.

Before starting this off, there are a few things I would like to say. If I sound petty, I truly don't care. I never saw anybody hating on Johan, at max maybe give criticism, I also don't hate Johan or try to disvalidate anyone's feelings, just get some things straight. Liking someone's looks does not immediately mean you are attracted to them, neither does liking the person's look you are attracted to mean you are toxic. It means you are loving. If you like someone's personality, you will find them beautiful consciously or subconsciously. If someone finds a character handsome, it is not a crime, people have types and preferences, and if they do it's none of your business. Hating good looking people doesn't make you woke, neither hating on people who are attracted to good looking people. What are you, Crystal Choi? And yes, people will be attracted to looks, it's a normal human act. People will notice if they find someone more attractive or unattractive which is not a bad thing. What is a bad thing when they start treating people different because of it. I assure you, most of the lookism fandom that I have came across doesn't do that.

This post will not include Seong Yohan because I never saw him get hated and I don't think nobody knows where he is coming from.

Samuel Seo

Yeah, so what seemed to be a surprise for me is that not a lot of people like Samuel, or at least understand why the people liking him would. Now, I personally feel no romantic attachment towards him. - Which is yes, normal, even if he is fictional. It's called fictophilia and I better see no judgement about it. - However, I do love Samuel a lot, and would love to care for him and grow a strong bond. To me, Samuel is not a monster. At all, believe me, Samuel isn't liked only for his looks. For me, personally, I love him so much because I can relate to him. I absolutely hated him at first, but grew to love him because he is human. He is complex, has a hard life and isn't perfect. That's exactly why I love him, and someone else I really adore does too. Yes sure, as you grow to like someone's personality, you find them handsome and or pretty. It's so much easier to say someone is pretty than to say, 'Hey, I love this person because they helped me go through so much.' Not everyone has the same love language, not everyone is comfortable with blunt affection. Besides, Samuel can and will achieve anything he wants. He has SO much sides to himself, not just 'good looking violent guy with big tits'. That's not Samuel at all. Besides, if PTJ oversexualises him, it's hard to not notice his body.

Yes sure, Samuel hits women, but I personally, don't f%cking care. Your vagina doesn't define if you deserve violence or not, your behaviour and the person's you face personality does. I am personally someone that doesn't mind violence as long as the person deserved it, because some scumbags in this world do. If they happen to be a woman, that's not on me, they shouldn't have done whatever they did. If you are not a violent person, I am not even sorry to tell you this, but you are probably sexist. It's not like all women are fragile and unable to get hit. Besides, if his violence is the problem, why is it fine that he hits men? Because men can handle it? According to statistics women have a higher pain tolerance. By your logic, you should call him out for hitting anyone in his way. Stop acting like hitting women is a necessarily bad thing, start saying that hitting innocent people is a bad thing.

If you must hate on him, maybe use the fact that he killed his abusive and neglective parents. Don't give a hard time to others for liking him though.

Ahn JongGun

Does Gun seem like a bad guy? Absolutely, he has done some horrible things. Then why do we like him? Because he seems to have a smaller character development coming, he has so many things to him and he is an absolutely incredible and complex character. I am very curious of his background and what caused him to be so violent and yet so calm. I like him because he allows himself to be human. From his religion, to his knowledge of material arts, to his adoration towards Vasco's material arts teacher - I forgot his name, so excuse me for that -, to his attention to details, to his fashion sense, it all makes him human. It's nice to see someone be a human, instead of just 'hot guy' or 'villain'. He is a nice character that brings many depth to the story. I could list a hundred of reasons why I love him, and no, none of it is his "weird" fashion sense. I do find him incredibly stylish, I just think some people in this fandom don't understand fashion. - Oops, I guess. - My main reason to liking him is that he is most likely either bisexual or pansexual. That he has a crush on Daniel. I might seem like I have a weird fetish or something, or that I am a crazy "fangirl". That's not the case though. I am a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and while not huge, I adore the hell out of the representation. It's nice to see such a smart, elegant and powerful guy be the representation. Because he is a character that's not there simply to be gay and full of stereotypes. Like, no hard feelings if you fit into stereotypes, but as a person who doesn't fit into them, it's a refreshing thing to see someone that's allowed to have many sides to himself other than just 'the gay friend'. Of course I am sure there are a lot of people who have many other reasons to love him, like his endless knowledge of material arts. There is so many reasons to be interested in his character, and just because you can't see it that doesn't mean others are blind to it too.

Yeah, he might have slept with countless women, but the main reason you can't count it is because he never stated the amount of women he slept with, neither did anyone else. Sure, he did say that Daniel is better than any women he ever slept with, but for all you know that could have been 3. Even if, it doesn't matter. He could have slept with 3, or 70 women. It doesn't matter, because not everyone's sexual life will reflect your own. And other people's sexual life is none of your business. Sure, you can say it's only fiction, and that I am overreacting, but when it comes to such small or personal details, people tend to put their own personal view into it. It's really not fine to shame others for their sexual life. As long as he uses protection, and didn't make anyone pregnant and doesn't play with the feelings of anyone, who gives a f%ck.

Some people tend to lash out sexually if they experience trauma or stress, and no, I don't mean they go and r%pe people, I mean that they go and have sex with different people who give consent. Even if he doesn't do it because of that, why does it bother you so much? Sex isn't a disgusting act. Some people like it, some people don't. Whatever their decision is, as long as no one is hurt, you should respect their decision.

Kim JoonGoo

Alright, this got me f%cked up. Goo is such a good character, and no way he would ever cheat on his S/O. He has morals and a lot of good sense in himself. Sure, he might have said that Samuel will be his secret friend, which led OP to believing Goo would cheat, but that's... a terrible reason, in my opinion. Gun knows that Samuel works for Goo, and Goo owns up it too. Besides that, nothing, absolutely nothing would lead to the fact that Goo would cheat. Because he wouldn't.

Now, why do I like Goo, and why some other's might like him too. He is such a well put together character, unpredictable yet so simple. He damages people to a point they have to retire, doesn't get scared of murderer, is a money maniac and hates his boss. You would think, he is dirty and fits the "gangster" stereotypes. That's not the case at all. He is more hygienic than most of the characters of lookism, if not the most hygienic one. He hates drinking and smoking, doesn't have tattoos - not that there is anything wrong with that - and is incredibly patient.

He might be a money maniac sure, but his ability to control money so well the way he does just shows how high his IQ is. I find that amusing, since it's something hard to do. What I completely love to the moon and back about Goo is his creativity.

When he gets into fights, he is patient and maybe let's himself get hit a few times. That's a good thing because he has time to learn about what he is facing. I think that's neat, because not a lot of people think about that during fights, and he taught me to do that. Also, the way he harms people is very creative too, no matter how harsh that sounds. He stabs people with chopsticks, kicks people with a glass piece stuck in his shoe and harms people with a katana. It's all so unpredictable yet fits him so well. I really love the way he fights and handles situations because it tells so much about him. Also, he is so fun, who would do karaoke after beating a bunch of guys unconscious? Only your one and only Kim JoonGoo. He is such a fun person to study and to read about.

So, no, I will not put up with the bullsh%t that he would cheat on his s/o, because he is a very respectful and none judgemental person. Just because his fights look violent to you, and his friendship with Gun unstable, that doesn't mean he is a bad person. It just means he is different from you, and yeah, he does f%cked up things, I won't deny that. That's exactly what makes him an interesting character.

Xiaolong

Now, I personally don't like Xiaolong that much, so this will not come from heart, but a place of logic. For a disclaimer, I am not caught up on the latest chapters, because I want to binge read it.

Now, even though I do not like Xiaolung, I can see why other people would.

He is a responsible person, who takes good care of himself even though he has to look after Vivi 24/7. He is not only good in his job, but takes it very seriously too. He isn't afraid to take action to make sure his job is going smoothly, and that everything is on it's place. He would do anything to protect Vivi, which can be appealing to some.

And from what I saw from spoilers, he is very strong. No, admiring his strength does not make the person toxic or fragile. It means they find the place in their heart to appreciate the type of struggle and hard work he puts into it. He has an unique way of fighting, which I could only see a small portion of. However it's clear that he must be impressive. I completely understand if people find that neat.

Also, Xiaolong seems like such a f%cking loyal person. That's so incredibly important. A lot of people can find that appealing, for various reasons. I am aware there are poly people, or anything similar to that, but loyalty is so important for some people and can form a very deep sense of love.

Yeah, he might take care of Vivi when she is drugged and let her get away with drugs but consider this that's his job. He is payed to do that and swore to do his best in it, as it's very important to him.

Outro;

Yeah, I don't care, like who ever you want to and defend them, but if you drag down other characters and guilt trip people because of liking specific characters, you are not going to be "woke" or special. And I will find you, and e a t you. - For legal reasons, that's a joke. -

That is not the only post that I saw shame those characters and people who like them, but is the one that made me messed up.

This fandom absolutely loves shaming people if they love the character design and looks of their favourite character. Let me tell you something though; You are missing the point of the whole manhwa you are reading.

Finding people attractive and beautiful is completely normal. Treating them differently because of that is not. As far as I am concerned, I never saw any lookism fans hate on characters they find less attractive. - Rather on the attractive ones. -

People have a type and that applies to looks and personality. Literally everyone does, even if it's unconsciously.

If you want your favorite character to get more love, don't make other people's comfort characters look bad on purpose, because in their eyes they aren't simply the bad qualities you see in them. And if you highlight them at least make sure they are true or at least reasonable bad qualities.

Well yeah, that was my little rant. And I didn't even mention the psychological aspects of why each character is like, or in other words what people they might attract. Or, the difference kind of personal life experiences people had to go through to appreciate each kind of little detail about the characters.

Yeah, this is the end of my little rant. If this post will get actual mature answers and discussions, I will make a similar one for Vinjin, Logan, Olly and Jiho. Yeah, I hate all of them, but other people might not.

END

[gumnut-logic]

John hated taking public transport

For @onereyofstarlight​ because she asked for Claret: Talk about a memorable experience on public transport.

As for me...

I’m with Johnny on this one. I needs my space :D

I hope you enjoy this. Younger!Tracys :D

-o-o-o-

John Tracy hated taking public transport.

He hated the cramped seats, the invasion of his personal space, the fact the bus stopped every few minutes to pick up more passengers and the noise.

It was stressful, annoying and far too full of people.

But the astrolabs were too far from the dorm to hike it or bike it, so bus it was.

He mapped out the most direct route, left early to avoid the crowds and handled it the best he could. Earphones helped and he never travelled without his tablet and a network connection.

He made do.

He made do for over a year. Every morning and every night.

The work was fascinating and he thoroughly enjoyed it. He considered getting a car, but it wasn’t practical and parking was non-existent, so he stuck with the bus.

Despite the fact he hated it.

Every trip he buried himself in his own world whether it be his work, research, a good book or even a movie. He shut the world out and more importantly anyone who sat next to him.

Sometimes this was not possible.

Because sometimes they spoke to him.

John had been brought up polite. His grandmother would have slapped his wrist if she found out he was ignoring people. So, he always replied. Often concisely, but always watching his manners.

That often opened the floodgates. Because if there was anything common between big cities it was the people who were lost in them, desperately alone in a sea of faces.

John liked being alone to a certain extent, but he was blessed with a close and large family.

Some people had no one.

So, ever so reluctantly, he found himself answering their call for help.

The first was Mrs Bucklin. She was a tiny woman, well dressed, but slightly scented with mothballs as if her clothes hadn’t been out of the closet in a long time.

She sat right beside him and immediately enquired as to what he was doing.

At the time he was coding a new game and her sharp voice startled him enough for his fingers to slip and enter a chain of commands he had not intended. He would have sworn if he was alone, but the program righted itself and the new commands, instead of corrupting and crashing the function, actually appeared to improve it. He frowned and hastily input some bridging structures so the code wouldn’t fragment, idly wondering if the error would improve the game, ruin it, have him need to rewrite the whole section or be the spark that would initiate sentience.

Great, his tablet would rise up and eat him while he was distracted by a random bus passenger.

She did apologise and he did reassure her that it was all okay in the hope she would let him be.

She didn’t.

He learnt she had three cats, a niece in another country (he didn’t gather which because the woman’s pronunciation defied translation), that she had lost her son in the Global Conflict, she liked his hair (that was a first) and that he looked like an intelligent young man.

He acknowledged her quietly and politely as he eyed his code and the results of an initial compile test. How did it do that?

Her cats were named Scottie, Gordy and Allie.

He did blink at that, but didn’t comment.

Eventually, she said goodbye and got off the bus at her stop.

He would have forgotten about her, except she sat next to him the next day and the day after that.

Apparently, this was her route to work, and he was such a polite young man.

Three weeks later she admitted he made her feel safe just by being there. She had been mugged three times in her life and public transport was as much a bane for her as it was for him.

He actively kept an eye out for her after that.

Gus was a different matter.

Gus didn’t have a home and he often rode the bus just for the air conditioning and comfort.

He sat on the other side of the walkway to John. He didn’t say much and would likely have never said anything if it hadn’t been for the gang of boys who decided to throw verbal potshots at him one day.

John had had an all-nighter with exams coming up, so he was cranky. His latest project had stalled – the same game he had been tackling when Mrs Bucklin had startled him. The core of the program had become a little unpredictable and he couldn’t work out why.

So, when a group of teenagers crawled to the back of the bus and started needling a fellow passenger, it was not only a situation where the innocent man appeared to need a bit of a rescue, but it also pissed John off.

There were four of them. Teenagers flocked in groups apparently. He’d never been one for that formation himself, but he knew of them, had encountered them and Virgil had kicked a few of their asses for him.

John was in college now.

He could kick his own fair share of ass quite happily.

“Leave the man alone, or I will call the police.” He raised his voice, but not his head, transmitting all the body language of how beneath his notice they were and how he might respond if they didn’t comply.

“Mind your own business, kook!”

There was always a brave one amongst the group, usually the ringleader, the head dickhead.

At least they were only teenagers.

This time he did look up and put all that communication theory into the coldest stare possible. “Excuse me?”

All four of them froze. Hell, they couldn’t be older than fifteen, somewhere between Gordy and Alan. If either of his brothers acted like this, there were three older brothers who would quite firmly re-educate them on proper conduct.

Not that he thought either of his younger brothers would do such a thing.

In any case, all four of them stared at him wide-eyed. The eldest swore and climbed out of his seat just as the bus pulled up at the next stop. He snarled at John as he stalked past, spitting profanities. His cohorts followed and they climbed off the bus.

It was lovely and quiet after that and John went back to tackling his misbehaving program.

“Thank you, sir.”

John blinked up at the unkempt man who had been the centre of the teenagers’ torment.

A small smile. “You’re welcome.”

Was this variable being changed by the program itself? How the hell could it do that?

He didn’t fail to notice after that incident that Gus, as he introduced himself the next time they met, always sat near John on his rides, morning or evening.

John met other people. Mrs Magarey and her three young children always needed a hand with her pram. John sometimes took advantage of this and stuck the pram in the footwell of the seat next to him so no-one could sit there.

That made Mrs Bucklin sit behind him and whisper her stories in his ear.

He wasn’t sure if he was comfortable with that either.

Two other students from his faculty took the same bus as well. Ridley was in the year behind him and always had a friend on the phone. She chattered a lot and he learnt to tune her out.

Well, until the day he boarded the bus and found her crying into her tablet.

She had lost her entire thesis in a computer crash. He was polite. He enquired and she answered, staring up at him as if she had never seen him before. Which was entirely possible. John didn’t like to draw attention to himself.

He accompanied her off the bus that day and delved into her damaged computer. He dug up her thesis and she gushed all over him, even crying into his sweater.

He hugged her awkwardly and wished her all the best.

After that, she always said hello and had a smile for him.

John smiled back, but his program was still not behaving. It acted as if it had a mind of its own and it was very distracting.

Mrs Bucklin said it sounded like cat number two, Gordy. Never behaving, but always loveable.

John stared at her when she said that, and wondered if she knew more than she was letting on.

The day Virgil landed in the seat beside him on the way to the labs startled him enough to drop his tablet.

“Hey, Johnny.”

He fumbled between the seats for the device. “Don’t call me Johnny.”

“Sorry.” But he could tell Virgil was anything but.

His fingers touched the cool metal of his tablet and he scrabbled for it. “What are you doing here?”

“Can’t a brother drop in on his brother to see how he is doing?”

John eyed him. If it was Scott sitting next to him or Gordon, he might have been suspicious of any double meaning his brother might be communicating. But this was Virgil and although the engineer had a sense of humour that could cut when necessary, this wasn’t his style.

“I guess he can. But why the bus?”

Virgil shrugged. “Didn’t catch you early enough. Barely caught the bus behind you. I thought your classes didn’t start until later.”

“They don’t.”

“Then why are you up so early?”

It was John’s turn to shrug. “Just avoiding the crowds, I guess.”

Virgil eyed him with a slightly worried frown.

“And who is this lovely young man who has taken my seat?”

Oh god.

Virgil stared up at Mrs Bucklin as she bustled in to sit behind them.

An internal sigh. “Mrs Bucklin, this is my brother Virgil.”

“Your brother?” She eyed Virgil as if inspecting him for sale. “Doesn’t look like you at all. Where’s the red hair?”

Virgil arched a dark eyebrow.

“Nevertheless, Mrs Bucklin, Virgil is my older brother.”

“Then how come we haven’t met before? You’ve been travelling this route for a year now and we haven’t seen hide or hair of him.” She continued to glare at Virgil as if he was a threat.

Virgil was shifting in his seat, his expression decidedly wary.

“Virgil has been assisting my father on a project. He’s an engineer. I’m unsure what he is doing here right now.”

“Hmph, well, in my opinion, he should have been here earlier.” She addressed Virgil directly. “Did you know your sweet little brother has been a bastion of this bus route, defending and assisting all?”

What?

John’s head shot up. “Mrs Bucklin-“

“Don’t you go all humble pie on me, young man. I saw what you did to those teenagers and how you help young Mollie every week. That girl is going to work herself into an early grave. And poor Gus, you’ve given him a new reason to try. Did you know he has enrolled himself in a course? Got himself a grant from the government and everything. Got help from that employment assistance group. Not to mention that doe-eyed young student who stares at you with love hearts floating about her head. I don’t know what you did for her, but I have no doubt she would do anything for you if you asked.” She turned back to Virgil, accusation in her eyes. “Why haven’t you been looking after your brother?”

Virgil’s wide eyes darted between John and the older woman.

John had no idea what to say.

“Well?” Mrs Bucklin’s glare was determined.

“Ah-“

“Is this man harassing you?”

John looked up to see Gus looming over Virgil.

You know, the Virgil who lifted weights that weighed more than his brothers on a daily basis.

John frowned. Gus had a new coat on and was looking much healthier than the last time he paid attention. “No, Gus. This is my older brother Virgil.”

And Virgil was subjected to another staring glare. “Doesn’t look like your brother.”

What?!

“I can assure you that he is indeed my caring older brother and he is not neglecting me in any way.”

Gus grunted, still glaring at Virgil. He nodded in John’s direction. “Make sure he eats more. He’s too skinny.”

That started Mrs Bucklin off again. “My goodness, yes. John you do not eat enough. Have you tried any of those recipes I recommended?”

Gus was still eyeing Virgil.

Virgil appeared to be regretting several recent life choices.

“I’m fine, Mrs Bucklin.” He raised his hands. “And both of you, Virgil is not responsible for my wellbeing.”

His tablet beeped. A glance and he found a text message from Ridley. You okay over there?

He looked up and found her at the other end of the bus staring back at him worriedly.

A sigh.

A flick of his fingers. I’m fine.

He turned back to Virgil who was literally cornered, only for his tablet to chime again.

You free tonight?

Oh, for the love of-

“Guys, Virgil is my big brother. He looks after me. He cares. I’m fine. He’s here for a visit. I don’t know why yet. Stop glaring at him.”

Gus grunted again and wandered off to his seat. He didn’t stop eyeing John’s brother for a second.

Mrs Bucklin let off a slightly miffed sound before leaning back in her seat. “He better. Or I have a mind to bring Scottie with me next time. Or maybe Gordy. To teach him a lesson.”

What the hell?

“No need, Mrs Bucklin. I assure you.”

Virgil was staring at John as if he wasn’t sure what planet he was on.

John sighed.

Yeah, he hated public transport.

It was stressful, annoying and far too full of people.

His tablet pinged again. This time it was the program he was working on. It was claiming it was dawn despite the fact the sun had risen an hour ago. He let out an exasperated hiss.

Virgil was still staring at him.

Damn public transport.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

[admutual]

What do you think Roger’s childhood was like up in space?

oh god , i sdknsdkj have Some hcs for his childhood ,, but my hcs are kinda messy, so i’ll try to word this the best i can.

i’ll start with his relationship with his parents since i got a Lot to say here.

for starters,, his childhood was mostly ,, hh Not Great.

his mother was controlling, emotionally abusive, neglectful, and highly manipulative. she also kept roger a shut-in most of his childhood, so roger never really gained proper social skills and had to rely on her as his only source of interpersonal contact. she had this habit of bullying him and putting him down and just destroying his self-esteem, before softening up and drawing him back in with a faux sense of compassion and gentleness (she def tried to convince him that she was the only one who could possibly love him). she was sorta a ‘zira meets mother gothel meets rainflower from warrior cats, with a little frollo mixed in’ type. she was a mess.

his dad on the other hand was emotionally distant and absent and just utterly disinterested in roger, and the few times he was around he was loud, aggressive, and prone to fits of anger. he was also highly religious and it Showed. i don’t have the actual complete details for the religion he followed, all i really have is most of my inspiration for it stems from a lot of xenofiction i read (lapine mythology from watership down, starclan from warrior cats, the spirituality from tailchaser’s song ,, i’m like physically unable to make non-human creatures without drawing inspiration from xenofiction) and that roger definitely experiences some religious trauma from him.

his parents fought a Lot. and it did a number on roger,, kinda why i like to believe he’s so desperate for drama, it’s all he’s known and the peace of quiet living is unnerving to him.

roger was desperate to be on his parents’ good sides. his mother was unpredictable in this regard in that she bounced back and forth between being gentle and kind before switching to verbal abuse and aggression. his dad though never expressed any positive feelings for roger. rog tried really hard to earn his dad’s affection, but after he got older and started to realize that that just wasn’t gonna happen, his tone toward him shifted to disdain. it definitely helped that his mother was loud in her distaste for his father too and through her aforementioned behavior managed to keep roger on her side through it all. if his mom hated someone, roger did too.

that whole thing about roger eating his dad,, ye . gonna make that Edgier let’s go. i like to imagine it was long after roger had accepted that his dad sucked, he was alone with him, he got pushed a little too far, and he just snapped, killing him. as for the cannibalism thing, that religion i mentioned earlier? i still don’t have much details, but one thing i Do know is that one important belief in this religion is how their bodies are handled after death and it’s very important that funeral services are handled accordingly,, shit like don’t touch the body with bare skin after the passing, their grave must be lined with bark and leaves from a specific type of tree, no visiting the burial site for a set period of time after burial, etc. so roger, being the dramatic extreme petty bitch he is, decided to give one last ‘fuck you’ to his dad by eating him instead to fuck up the burial process. we love taking a generic primetime sitcom and making it edgier than it needs to be.

i kinda like to imagine roger’s relationships with his parents heavily influenced his relationship with stan and francine too:

for stan’s side, roger felt that stan reminded him a lot of his own father. like i said, roger felt a heavy resentment towards his father, and after coming to earth and finding he was going to be living with someone who all too closely resembled him, he put his foot down and refused to allow himself to keel over to what felt like mistreatment from him.

when roger first started to get to know stan, all he saw in him initially was the same anger and neglect he got from his own father, and in turn went out of his way to lash out and harass him as sort of a cathartic defense. but then time went on, the two started to see each other on their own level, and roger realized how stan below the surface was far from how his dad was, and he warmed up enough to view him as a close friend. i kinda like to think roger softened up to stan after finding out about jack too, as you know he could relate to him having a shitty neglectful dad himself.

as for francine, roger was drawn to her for the opposite reason in that she was nothing like his mom. roger was a total mama’s boy back home, like i said she kept him shut-in during his childhood to where she was the only one he could rely on. even after coming to earth, roger was still under the impression that she truly loved him and he had a habit of getting overly defensive of her (klaus makes a ‘your mom’ joke and roger’s in tears screaming at him to take it back). he started to question some of her treatment towards him the longer he stayed, especially with the more families he got close to where he got to observe other people’s parental relationships, but never enough to have an epiphany that she sucked. it wasn’t until after the events of ‘weiner of our discontent’ that he finally started to actively reflect on his past life on his home planet, now that he knew he was stuck on earth to stay, and he finally accepted that his mom wasn’t good to him.

as for how this influenced his relationship with francine, like i said francine was way different from roger’s mom. initially roger was super uncomfortable every time she treated him kindly and gently. he sorta held back from getting too close for a good month or two because he didn’t know which of her behavior was genuine and what was just a facade. but time went on, he decided to trust her by letting down his guard and allowing her to get close, and now the two are as tight-knit as can be. and roger’s still a total mama’s boy with her sometimes. also the aforementioned religious trauma roger experienced,, i like to believe that also drew him closer to francine after hearing her experiences growing up. roger’s just Shared Trauma Buddies with everyone.

anyways after years of constant abuse and neglect, he eventually finds a family that loves him unconditionally and he’s finally allowed to rest. i’m a slut for the ‘earn your happy ending’ trope and i’m pushing that onto roger.

(actually one last thing ,, this isn’t a set-in-stone hc, i’m not sure if i’m gonna keep it, but i like to bounce around the idea that maybe the reason his parents were so awful to him is because they believed he was responsible for a sibling’s death. like roger when he really little was out playing on the ice, things Went Wrong and it shattered, his older sib leaped in to rescue him, but things Went Even More Wrong, and his sibling managed to save him but not themself. and his parent’s (or at least his mom since i like to imagine his dad just from the start was pretty distant) immediately placed the blame on roger and never forgave. like i said idk if i’m gonna keep it as a hc, but whatevs thought i’d mention it anyway since the topic of roger’s childhood’s brought up)

and now that that’s done, the other stuff.

i like to believe because of roger’s kind’s practice of abduction, they have a decent enough study on various other planet’s species. and roger, from a young age, immediately built up a fascination with humans. he spent hours reading and rereading every study and book he could find on them. when he was given the choice to be The Decider, it was a complete dream come true for him, not only because he found what he felt was his life’s purpose, but also because he could finally study up close a species he’s admired all his life. (also once roger landed on earth his interest in humans quickly shifted from an ‘idk i just think they’re cute and fun and interesting creatures!!’ to an ‘oh fuck . o h god … humans are Hot what the hell ….’ like i make jokes about how ‘oh haha steve’s an alien fucker lol’ but tbh ……. roger’s the alien fucker in the relationship.)

bouncing off that, they definitely don’t have english as their main language. that’s always been a trope that’s annoyed me, the whole ‘every alien just inexplicably speaks english by default and can communicate with humans fluently’ trope. because of that, i like to believe roger self-taught himself multiple languages through earthling test subjects, listening to audio recordings and such. he wasn’t completely fluent, but it was enough that he could at least communicate enough once he landed on earth. and as for the mothership featured in ‘lost in space’,, hc that it’s installed with a universal translator. still kinda a lazy cop-out i guess, but whatever.

roger’s always been ,, idk,, softer than his species. not in an ‘uwu he’s actually a total sweetheart’ kinda way, but just in that unlike most of his kind, he can experience compassion (it’s rare and his conscience is still really weak, and empathy is still completely foreign to him, but he does experience compassion for those he allows to get close to him like the smiths), he’s always been too sensitive compared to most of his kind, he’s too emotionally-driven, he latches onto others and cares to much what others think of him, just a bunch of things that to most of his peers made him come across as ‘weaker’.

roger picked his own name!! i don’t really care for the trope of aliens having generic western names, so my hc is that when roger’s kind are born they’re given a placeholder name (or a title or something) and then they’re allowed to pick whatever name they want as they get older, which often times is influenced by other species. like i said earlier, roger’s always had a fascination with humans, and i like to think he decided to name himself after an abduction victim he read up on.

once roger was able to distance himself from his mom and was allowed on his own, he was a constant traveller, both in the sense of journeying across his home planet, and in finding any way possible to travel to other planets. sitting still for too long bored him and he needed to explore every possible place he could.

liste n ,,,,, roger loved building snowmen growing up. the few times he got the chance to get out was always spent building them and creating personalities for them. and he still finds himself building them on earth sometimes.

roger’s always loved reading. he can’t count how many times he flew through all the books they had around the house. and even now he just . really loves to read and can power through massive books in a matter of hours.

he loves watching the snow fall and blizzards always brought him a lot of comfort.

that whole thing about roger’s kind being 60% electricity? roger had a lot of trouble controlling excess electricity as a kid. his parents weren’t good teachers, so he just had a habit of accidentally jolting others on accident, sometimes while reading he’d get too excited and accidentally singe the papers a little, he was always pretty shaky as a kid just from how much electricity he had coursing through his body that he had zero clue how to process safely.

roger’s tendency towards playing characters came at a young age. he was always running around the house playing pretend as multiple characters and that habit just never went away.

i like to imagine roger enjoyed building little dens in the snow to chill in. for his kind, children tend to build snow dens to function in the same way human kids build treehouses,, just to vibe with their friends. and on earth sometimes during the winter roger will decide to build a den in the backyard and spend some of his nights down there.

roger’s kind love swimming. probably one of their more popular sports, hell some of them even choose to fish for their own food in the same way seals do. roger though? terrified of the water. nowadays he’s okay with it (still prefers to avoid it for the most part though), but as a kid it was one of his worst fears.

i feel like there’s something i’m missing? idk, this is long enough though so i’ll stop jsdgndks.

[voicesfromthelight]

What I Learned from A Botched, Haunted Field Trip, Long Ago

Today, in the interest of encouraging my readers to build their trust in Spirit as well as the power of intention, and to align themselves with the purest spiritual motivations even in times of uncertainty, I’d like to share a memory of something that happened to me when I was was in college, quite some time ago, when I was much less experienced. It’s a story that illustrates the importance of following your gut, not compromising your psychic integrity, of choosing your spiritual company wisely, and how the power of love is greater than that of fear. It’s also a great story about learning from your psychic blunders!

My late teens and early twenties were a time of strong, but mostly spontaneous psychic activation for me. At the time, I was most actively involved in the practice of energy healing, working together weekly with a healing circle that was led by a woman who became my de facto mentor - a Huna-trained shaman named Evelyn Wakeman, who was one of the most psychically gifted, powerful healers I had ever met - as well as with one of my closest friends, a young woman named Anneli. My psychic abilities were not yet mediumistic in the sense of communicating with the departed, and I wasn’t even sure that such communication was possible. However, for a period of a few years, I found it easy to observe people’s energy clairvoyantly, and also would experience very strong clairsentience in the form of feeling people’s physical and emotional sensations in my body while performing healing work on them. Once in a while, I would have a precognitive dream (usually, in lucid form), in which I would meet and speak to spirit guides, or experience other kinds of precognition, but all in all, I had no control over when, how or why these kinds of communications would take place. I was still feeling my way around the world of Spirit, looking for my place.

Anneli and I were soulmates. (We still are!) For a while, we were roommates. The amount of things we had in common was uncanny, and we were jokingly referred to as the the “Finn twins.” We were both Finnish on our mother’s side, and American on our father’s. We were both deeply connected to nature and pagan spirituality. We both had psychic proclivities, and had each spent a year  living in France, speaking the language fluently. We both loved music. At the time, we were inseparable.

During our senior year, Anneli became involved with the local punk scene in our college town. The ragtag bunch of rebels tended to have an energy that was quite different from what Anneli and I had in each other’s company: Where we were sensitive and introverted, they were exuberant and, at times, volatile. A lot of the kids came from much more challenging circumstances than either of us did, and some had already experienced much hardship in their young lives, from combat in Afghanistan, to alcoholism and drug addiction. However, their company provided a much-needed sense of freedom from what sometimes felt like an ivory tower, and I was happy to venture out once in a while with Anneli and her new friends.

One day, Anneli told me that she had met two new guys in the scene. We’ll call them John and Jim. John and Jim were into ghost-hunting, and would trek out together to allegedly haunted historical sites with a camera, hoping to capture evidence of ghostly activity, such as orb anomalies. They were soon planning on going to a cemetery dating back to the Revolutionary War, and Anneli was thinking of joining them together with her boyfriend.

I was intrigued. I had harbored a somewhat uneasy fascination with paranormal investigation for a while, but had never had any direct experience with it myself. If there was an authentic haunting going on at this site, what could have been more interesting as a psychic healer than to go and see how we might be able to balance out the energy there? Though I had never met them in person, yet, I never even considered the possibility that John and Jim’s intentions might have been anything less than reverent. I volunteered to join in on the excursion.

On the evening of the field trip, John and Jim showed up in John’s car, with Anneli and her boyfriend in tow, to pick me up from my apartment. As soon as my two new acquaintances sauntered into my house, their energy shocked me to attention. Jim immediately seized an accordion I had in my room and started to play it loudly and discordantly. Like two mohawk-headed peas in a pod, the boys were rambunctious, boisterous and unpredictable, but seemed friendly enough. I chalked up the instant unease I felt to a harmless difference in temperaments, asked Jim to put down my instrument, and followed the gang out into the car.

It was in the car that my unease began to descend into near-panic. The drive was long. I sat in the front with John, while Anneli, her boyfriend, and Jim, sat in the back. During a quiet moment, John and I started to converse about our interest in the paranormal. I remember him turning to me, his eyes squinting as he lowered his voice to a vaguely menacing snarl, and began to explain to me why he wanted to explore this particular cemetery. It was old, he said. Several people had committed suicide nearby, hanging themselves in the woods. And, he added, he believed it was haunted by demons. Demons, he explained, were once angels, who were thrown out of Heaven when the devil rebelled against the Creator. All of this was related with a kind of smug relish, without a hint of compassion or respect for any of the souls  associated with the site. It was all a horror story to him. 

I felt sick to my stomach. It was clear these two young men were only interested in projecting their darkest fears onto this experience, and my spiritual motivations for paranormal investigation had nothing to do with theirs. I also felt sad and terrified at what they were about to do, on a spiritual level - bringing that fear and darkness into a place of supposed rest. By the time we reached our destination, I decided I would not set foot out of the car. I wanted no part of any of it.

When we got to the cemetery, I had to explain to Anneli my reasons for not participating, as discreetly as I could. She sympathized with me, but decided that having come this far, she still wanted to go. As the rest of the gang walked into the pitch black night, I sat in the car, still terrified, and did the only thing that made sense to me. I prayed with all of my might. I asked to be protected by white light, and that none of the negative energy being brought to the place harm any of the spirits that were attached to it. I sat there for what must have been an hour, praying, and my fear never abated.

When they finally came back to the car, Anneli told me that John had said that he had “seen a demon with red eyes” in the cemetery. She herself had only felt an energy of forlorn regret permeating the site. I couldn’t wait to get home.

The following day, Anneli and I met up with Evelyn’s psychic healing group in the non-denominational chapel reserved for the meeting on our campus. I was unspeakably ashamed of myself. How could my spiritual judgment have been so poor that I had allowed myself to be put in a situation in which I was going to a haunted cemetery with people I had never met before? I felt like I had made a terrible mistake, and severely compromised myself. In fact, I was so mortified, I didn’t dare breathe a word of what had happened, or where we had been, to Evelyn, to whom I normally would have confided anything and everything. I felt like I had let her down.

A short while into the healing circle, it came to be my turn to receive energy healing from the group. Evelyn, leading the session, fell into her customary light trance. Then, after a few moments, she unexpectedly opened her eyes. She turned to me with a gentle smile, and said: “This is so strange. I’ve never seen this with you, before. Usually, I see spirit guides around you, but today, you have hundreds of dead souls attached to you. They are appearing to me upside down, which lets me know they were once human. They want you to help them cross over into the light. They know you have their best interest at heart.”

I burst out crying, and admitted everything that had happened, feeling an immense sense of gratitude, excitement and relief.  Here, despite the terror I had felt, despite the embarrassment at my lapse in judgment, the love and respect I had shown the souls in that supposedly dark place, through my prayers, had won out. The fact that Evelyn had picked up on what had happened, despite my silence, was proof enough for me that it was all true. We meditated together to cross over the souls that had followed me home from the cemetery.

Since then, I have always had faith that love will spiritually and energetically triumph over fear. Yes, I have had unsettling paranormal experiences since then, as well. However, also during those times, I have been sent specific, explicit messages from Spirit that my prayers have been answered, and that I will be safe. So, I invite everyone to remember this story when you find yourself in a situation that spooks you. Yes, it is always in our best interest to raise our vibration to an emotional frequency that is closer to love and further from fear, nor should we intentionally “dabble in darkness” if it can be avoided, but in a pinch, help is always to be found in the Spirit world and from Source if we just have the courage to ask for it - even if we ourselves are terrified. Trust in that!

P.S. This story is a great reminder, too, of how our expectations and emotional vibration affect what realm of the spirit world we resonate with! If you need a refresher on this topic, I encourage you revisit my piece on different frequencies in the spirit world.

[the-colony-roleplay]

Constantin Lupei | Thirty Six;  Survivor

House: Torren Security Class: 2 Status: Infected - Telepathy

History

Constantin suspects he might have been one of the first people to see the asteroids coming in 2157. There were five of them on the International Space Station at the time: Constantin Lupei, Romanian, ISS systems engineer. Zander Koch, American, ISS mission commander. Fan Shi Hui, Chinese, ISS medical officer. Anaya Dolmen, English, botanist. And finally, Dostovalova Natalia Mikhailovna, Russian, ISS Navigator. When the asteroids came, Constantin had been there the shortest time, at only two months, and he was struggling to connect with the other astronauts as the only common language between them was English, and Costin’s grasp of the language had always been shaky. He was just a small-town Romanian boy, really, that had studied hard, worked his way through the ranks of the air force,  and achieved his goals. Every kid wants to be an astronaut; most grow out of it, but Costin never did. The difficulty he had communicating didn’t stop him from alerting everyone to the anomaly he saw from one of the windows, and the crew immediately jumped into action to alert those on the ground that an asteroid shower was heading directly for earth.

Their message got through, but there hadn’t been enough time for it to make any difference. Costin and the rest of the crew watched in numb horror as their home was buried in fire. They kept talking to those on the ground, gathered around the communications device until it was cut off. The other four soon left to mourn in private; that would turn out to be their greatest mistake, as the node containing the crew sleeping quarters would be struck by an asteroid shortly after.

Zander, Natalia, and Shi Hui were killed immediately. Anaya’s room was spared, but the passageway connecting her node to the Cupola module where Costin was was badly damaged. She was trapped, the connecting tube too badly compromised for them to be able to risk opening the doors, and their communications were down. The only mercy was that emergency rations were stored in each astronauts quarters, enough to supply them a month - more, if they were careful.

They kept busy; it wasn’t difficult, particularly for Costin with the whole station to roam. The ISS was badly damaged, and if they valued their lives then he would have to keep working on repairing it. He worked through his mourning, and at first Costin assumed the near-unbearable headaches were a grief response. They grew worse, making concentrating more and more difficult as his ears began to ring. And then after two months, something changed. He was sitting at the window through which he could still see Anaya, holding up notes to let her know that he was trying to work something out. Anaya was growing increasingly thin, eating only a third of the recommended rations each day, and nearly mad with loneliness as she was trapped between four small walls. As Costin was thinking how horrific it must be for her to be there, she sat bolt upright, and even from such a great distance, he could see how wide her eyes had gone. I CAN HEAR YOU, she wrote, and so it was that the Infections first began to manifest - they realise now that when the ship had been damaged, the strange orange gas that seeped through the cracks had affected them.

Over the next few weeks, Costin worked at his telepathy, ‘talking’ to Anaya as often as he could, while at the same time her telekinesis presented itself. After months of work and tentative planning, Costin began to teach her how she might repair the airlock and make it safe for her to cross. She didn’t have a spacesuit with her, but using her telekinesis she might be able to repair it enough that it wouldn’t matter. She was terrified, because one wrong move could be fatal, but she was also desperate as her rations ran frighteningly thin. Six months after D-Day, she finally managed it under Costin’s careful instruction. She hadn’t eaten for a week by then, and when she fell into Constin’s arms he knew she weighed next to nothing, even in zero gravity.

They both wept. And now that they were reunited, they discussed trying to return to earth in one of the emergency vessels. Having not seen any sign of life since the asteroids hit, and they weren’t sure if they could bear returning to a dead planet. So they tried to live, fixing up what parts of the ship they could, calculating how long the rations would last (a long time, between just the two of them), and what the point of it all was. They honed their Infections, Anaya’s being particularly interesting in zero-grav. For want of anything else to do, they began to experiment, taking extensive notes and writing papers just for their own satisfaction.

They were almost happy, for a time. The months turned into years, and somehow they learned to live. Sometimes they even laughed. That changed in July, 2162, when another shower of asteroids shot past. The ISS was spared any further damage, but the planet was once more aflame. The sight of it spurred Costin into action; he wasn’t sure what had changed in his perception, except for the fact that even if every single person on Earth had died, he and Anaya had survived. They wouldn’t be able to live up here forever, but if they returned to Earth, maybe they could salvage a life that would last beyond the next couple of years that their rations would allow.

If they died, Costin said, it was better to die in pursuit of a better life than to waste away up here when the food ran out. The emergency vessels had sustained only minimal damage, and he worked on one for several weeks until he was satisfied that it would be safe. They spent a day walking around, saying goodbye to the station that had been their home for the past four years, and packing as much research and rations into their return ship as they could fit.

And then, they left. Both sending out prayers that they would make it back, both white-knuckled with nerves, both absolutely silent until they re-entered the atmosphere. They came crashing down in the Atlantic, miraculously both alive and unharmed. Shortly after they were picked up by a merchant vessel who took them to shore.

Costin Today

After so many years in space, Costin and Anaya struggled to adjust to life back on earth, with the gravity wreaking havoc on their systems. They were taken first to Colony 4, until they had recovered their strength enough to travel a little further. Both of them were transported to Colony 22 in December, where it was hoped that they could provide assistance with the lab research thanks to their experience, both with lab work and their own Infections. It was soon ascertained however, after a few conversations with the CISM team, that neither of them were in any state to be working on sensitive material or be given too much responsibility.

Costin is by far the more outgoing of the two. Although his English skills are still lacking, he learned a lot with Anaya over the years, and he is keen to talk to people. He can seem gruff at first, thanks to his eastern European upbringing and years of near-isolation, but he means well and likes to be surrounded by people. In fact, he can be needy at times, desperate to stay close to anyone that will let him stick around. He is also, unfortunately, highly emotional. So much trauma has left him fragile, and he can be laughing loudly one moment, only to dissolve into tears the next. Open as he is with his emotions, they can be unpredictable, and until he gets a better grip on that it’s been made clear that he won’t be permitted to be around the research.

That’s fine by him, as he and Anaya have their little secret - all the research they conducted on the ISS. They had planned on sharing it, but seeing the NWRF in action made them reconsider. All of their work is handwritten, hidden in slits that they put in their mattresses, because they don’t want to help those in power. When it comes to training and the Games, Costin is a hard worker, but not the most proficient. His body is still weak from being in space for years longer than anticipated, so he tires easily. He does, however, have an aptitude for long range weaponry thanks to his training from the air force, and is finding it very therapeutic. He has excellent control over his telepathy, and although he doesn’t often use it during AP training, he uses it daily with Anaya. For all of his outgoing nature, Costin is struggling to fully trust anyone but her. He thought that the Infections were an incredible gift, but the NWRF clearly have other ideas, and so he is wary of saying too much: the physical proximity to other people feels like it is healing him, but the emotional proximity terrifies him.

RELATED BIOS: ANAYA DOLMEN

TAKEN; Original Character

[lady-of-starlight]

Let the Star Lead the Way - Chapter 18 - There is no Love in You

(Warning: graphic, major character death, mental instability)

Thranduil walks the corridor towards the stables, giving orders to his lieutenant while strapping his sword around his hips.

 “Send the fastest tracker back to the city. Tell him to keep his eyes open but to not engage before the rest of the company has arrived. I want this to be handled with as little unwanted attention as possible. Once they have her, they will return to us. We will build the camp near the edge of the forest.”

 “Understood, my Lord. I will send the tracker on his way immediately.”

 “Oh, and Feren…” The elf male turns back to his King. “She must be returned, unharmed. If I see a single bruise on her…”

 “What if she fights back, my Lord?”

 “Oh, she won’t.” Thranduil waves his hand dismissively. “I know which strings to pull to get her attention.”

Feren looks questioning, until Thranduil continues: “Bring up the two younglings from the river caves and take them with you...”

✽ ✽ ✽ 

Despite feeling sure that you would not be able to fall back asleep after the intense dream you just had, you find your eyelids suddenly feeling heavy, alongside with your body, as you sink beneath the bedcovers. After a while, you’re back in deep sleep, wandering aimlessly around in the dark, accompanied only by fleeting flickers of light.

Out of nowhere, an unfamiliar presence enters your dream. It does not feel intimidating, but you stay alert nevertheless.

“Who’s there?!”

“Do not be frightened. I mean no harm to you. I only wish to speak with you.”

You look around you, but see nothing. “Who are you?”

At once, a flickering image of an elf appears in front of your eyes – an umfamiliar figure, yet kind-looking. Dressed in a white gown, she approaches you, holding her hands up as a sign of peace. She has long hair, entwined with strands of silver, with a pale jewel resting on her forehead.

“I am Silevreneth. You may not know me, but you know my husband.” She smiles gently. “I trust you know him very well.”

You gasp. “Thranduil?! You are his wife--?”

 “Yes, although I would say I now stand here as his late wife. And I have come to you as I find myself worried over the well-being of my King.”

“Is this... Really you, not just a dream?”

“You might have heard of the practice of ósanwë. It is less used these days, but there are still some that find it to be a good way of communication... Lady Galadriel, your home’s protector, being one of them. It is also possible for the deceased, like me, to contact the living in the times of great need.”

Shaken, you now begin to think about your latest dreams... Could it be....?

“How does it work exactly?”

“You can pass images, sensations, even scents to another person, if you so wish. And, judging by the scent that still lingers around you...” She steps closer, “I would dare a guess that Thranduil has visited you not long ago.”

Blush spreads over your cheeks as you, with panic spiralling in your head, try to make sense of it all. “H-he--”

“Worry not, I am not here to confront either of you. Quite the contrary, in fact.”  She looks at your steadily. “You have been able to rekindle the love in his heart. And I believe your soul carries feelings for him as well”

Shifting uneasily, you stutter: “Y- well yes, but... My feelings play no part in all of this--”

“But they do. I am here to give my blessing for both of you. He has been alone for so long, isolating himself... He deserves to find happiness, even though he now denies it from himself.”

“Am I to understand--  You want us to be together?” But... You love your husband and son, do you not? And despite your current state, you may still be reborn in Valinor... Most elves are preparing to leave as we speak, if Thranduil and Legolas leave as well you will be reunited through your rebirth--”

“I will not be returning from the Halls of Mandos, not for a very long time at least. My situation is too complicated.”

Shocked, you stare at her. “But why--?”

Silevreneth looks apologetic. “I believe I must show you ��� but it will feel quite uncomfortable. Apologies.”

Before you have time to speak, she raises her hand and touches your forehead – and your world bursts into noise and flashing images.

In a second, the turmoil sets, and you see a familiar landscape in front of you – Mirkwood.

✽ ✽ ✽

You’re evidently seeing everything through Silevreneth’s eyes. She walks the same hallways you have paced so many times yourself, yet the athmosphere itself seems different - more serious and rigid. There is no laughter, and everyone she passes has a grieving expression on their faces.

“Your Highness...” One of the servants bows to Silevreneth. She nods accordingly, and moves on. It still feels strange to be called with such a title - it hadn’t been long since she had still been the wife of the prince of the Woodland Realm. Now, she is the queen. And she has work to do.

She enters a chamber full of other elves, everyone turning to face her and bowing as she passes them. Approaching a desk full of papers, she seats herself behind it.

“Any news from the battlefield?”

“No, your Highness. Based on the latest information, it seems that the armies have not been able to advance from the Plateau of Gorgoroth.”

“Their losses have been too big... After the battle in Dagorlad I wonder if they have any men left to return home once this is settled....”

You realize that the vision must take place somewhere at the end of the Second Age - War of the Last Alliance, to be specific. You had not been born at the time of said events, but knew more than well what had happened.

But if this was, in fact, happening at that time, then it would also mean...

“Has my husband been able to retrieve his father’s body?”

“We do not know. They have been searching, but as the body count is so severe... It might be that king Oropher’s remains will be lost for good.”

Silevreneth lays down her gaze, to the numerous scrolls of paper that have brought news to her regularly after Thranduil, his father and their army had left the realm to fight the evil in the south. So far, none of the scrolls had brought any good news.

She misses him so very dearly. They had been able to share a few moments together in dreams during the nights but, as the battles had been so unpredictable and sudden, Thranduil had had little time for rest.

Sighing, Silevreneth gathers up all the papers and puts them away. On that moment, the doors open as Erchiel enters the chambers, with baby Legolas in her arms.

“My lady, you wanted to see your son?” “Yes, thank you, Erchiel.” Silevreneth smiles as she gazes lovingly at the small child, now awake and reaching for his mother.

Lifting her son to his arms, she gives the last instructions to the elves around her. Then, the queen of Mirkwood walks to the doors, with her servant at her heels.

✽ ✽ ✽

Later, one day, Silevreneth is out in the woods with her company, when something happens – a pack of orcs appears, and a fight takes place. They are seriously outnumbered, and once everything is over, she is taken captive.

Once she regains her consciousness, she sees nothing but walls of stones around her and chains that hold her, etched deep into the rocks. An iron door that opens only when a pair of orcs enters the room.

They torture her for days, laughing for her pain. Silevreneth’s body is broken and bruised, but she refuses to leave her body, to free her fae, as the only thing she can think of is that she wants to see her husband and son once more. So she endures.

Until the day they bring forth their worst weapon.

The same orcs enter the room once more, but they are now accompanied with a third, even more repulsive orc and so old-looking that it seems ready to collapse on its feet at any minute.

The orc holds a plain box, crafted from black iron and carved with words on a language she cannot read. They observe her for a moment, as if she was an interesting experiment they were ready to put into good use.

Despite being weary, she lifts her chin. “There is nothing worse you can do to me. I can endure your swords and daggers, the spikes and poisons you pour on me, for my mind is intact.”

“Oh, but that is where you’re wrong, little elf Queen – for this isn’t a device for physical torture.” the orc brings the box closer, running his filthy fingers over the lid, “this is the last gift from the Dark Lord. It carries the remains of his power, and it will break you, from the inside out.”

Silevreneth feels coldness spreading through her body. “Sauron has no such power. You’re only trying to frighten me.”

“It is not lord Sauron we speak of, elf Queen. No. We speak of his master, the one he answered to on the glory of his days. The first Dark Lord, he who planted the seed of darkness in the heart of every elf, men and other creature that roams these lands.”

Silevreneth’s eyes widen in horror, as the realization dawns to her. “Morgoth.”

“There is darkness lurking in the soul of every living thing. And this..” The orc grabs the lid of the chest, beginning to lift it, “…will help to lure it out.”

 When the lid rises, a horrible sound fills the room. It is worse than anything Silevreneth has ever heard, as it pierces not only her body but her mind, burning and twisting. With a dark smile, the orc speaks:

“This world was created with music. And with music, it shall be destroyed.”

That is when Silevreneth’s mind shatters. Everything cracks apart, casting her into darkness, as her mind splits.

   ✽ ✽ ✽

“Rise, your Highness.”

Silevreneth opens her eyes, feeling new, raw power surging through her. Twisting her fingers, she notices the shackles to be gone.

She looks around her: There are more orcs now standing in the room, waiting, watching. She rises to her feet, not feeling any pain in her limbs.

“It worked”, one of the orcs hisses, with victory gleaming in its eyes. “She’s changed.”

“Yes, but it took all that still remained of the Dark Lord’s power”, the old orc says grudgingly, eyeing at the last bits of the box that now covers the floor in the form of black dust. “We cannot use it ever again, so make it count.”

Silevreneth straightens her back, walking around the orcs. “Interesting... For such a power to even exists...” She looks at her hands, admiring her newfound strength. She feels like she could take over the whole world, burn it down and conquer every last part of it.

“How do you think we came into being in the first place?” One of the orcs scoffs. “Long time ago the Dark Lord and his servants captured some of you pretty elves and then tortured you until we were born.”

The old orc nods his head. “Although our Lord is now gone and we have found other ways to recreate, it is his power that has created the most powerful ones of us. And now... You.”

“I believe we have a task to offer that would make your Highness very pleased”, the orc continues, pulling a map out of his filthy clothes. “It would be quite sad if you could not join all your servants together, would it not?”

Looking at the map, a cold smile spreads on Silevreneth’s lips.

✽ ✽ ✽

With most of the Mirkwood’s army gone, it would have been the perfect time to try to take over their kingdom. The orcs had thought about it, yet had known that their numbers were still too limited to manage such a trick.

But now that they had someone with them who knew the realm and could lead them inside, it would be worth trying. They didn’t have much time as the orc scouts had seen the elven army returning, the last sightings of them coming from the south end of the forest. They had to act fast.

Silevreneth runs between the trees, leading a small army of orcs towards the direction of the Woodland realm she knows to be most poorly guarded. It doesn’t take long before they reach the solid rocks of the mountain under which the kingdom lies. .

They meet unexpected resistance - the lieutenant in charge must have added more guards during her absence, Silevreneth notes angrily. She makes the decision to leave most of her army behind, leaving them to fight with the guards as she slips inside the realm, accompanied with only a few of the orcs.

 “You stay here and keep this tunnel open, I will go and open the gates so that the rest can get in.”

Silevreneth runs through the corridors, slipping in the shadows whenever someone approaches. There is a slight mayhem inside the realm, as everyone is trying to gather arms to fight off the orcs outside.

Nearing the gates, Silevreneth picks up her speed, when she hears a familiar voice calling out for her.

“My lady?! We have been so worried! Are you well?!” Erchiel runs towards her, carrying a small figure.

“My son.” Silevreneth smiles coldly. “Give him to me.”

“My lady—?”

Silevreneth turns her gaze straight at Erchiel, and she freezes as she sees her eyes. Erchiel trembles and falls backwards, clutching the little, sleeping prince against her chest.

“You—“

“But Erchiel, do you not recognize your dearest friend?” Silevreneth purrs, walking closer. She grabs Erchiel’s arm, whispering in a foreign language, as images fill Erchiel’s mind, trying to gently persuade her to let go of the small boy she’s carrying in her arms while promising that no harm will come to her.

“Hand him over, Erchiel, my friend. I wish to hold my son.”

 Erchiel, her eyes locked with Silevreneth’s, trembles from head to toe, but slowly, so slowly, she begins to extend her arms, offering the little baby to its mother, who is triumphantly reaching forward –

 “STOP!”

 A familiar voice yells from behind them, causing them both to freeze. Silevreneth turns on her heels, facing the gaze of eyes she knows better than her own.

Thranduil stands before them, panting and drenched, but alive. He holds his sword, with his hands shaking slightly as he points the blade towards his wife, who now has the sweetest smile on her lips. A few of his soldiers stand behind him, looking just as tired and worn out as their King, and Silevreneth can hear new shouts coming from the hallways above her: The army has returned.

 “Welcome home, darling”, she purrs. “I did not expect for you to return so soon.”

 “Step away from him”, Thranduil growls, his eyes filled with fear as he looks upon the scenery in front of him. “Don’t you dare to touch my son.”

 “Oh, but he is my son as well, is he not?”

 “No.” Thranduil moves closer. “You are not his mother, and you are not my wife. What have you done to her?”

 “They broke her. She is gone.” Silevreneth curls her lips into a feral grin. “I am the new Queen of the realm, and I shall take what is mine.”

 “Not before you’ve gone through me.” In a split second, Thranduil leaps towards her, his sword flashing.

They fight, but even in her haze, Silevreneth sees that Thranduil cannot win the fight: He strikes, but not to kill. He cannot bring himself to kill her. And that is all for her advantage.

The next time Thranduil strikes with his blade, she raises her own, and with a quick twist of her wrist, she manages to hit the sword from his hands.

Weaponless, he stands in front of Erchiel and Legolas, protecting them with the only thing he has left: His own life.

 “Step aside, darling.”

“Never.”

 “I will not ask again. Step aside.” She takes a step closer.

“Silevreneth...” Tears fill his eyes. “When I left, I was worried to leave you two here alone. You promised to keep him safe from all evil, do you remember? Some part of you must still remember. You promised.”

“I promised….”

Suddenly, something stirs in Silevreneth’s mind: Her old self, returning once more, trying to gain control over her body.

She raises her hands to her temples, as a splitting headache races through her. “No, go away…”

But the real Silevreneth won’t allow herself to be pushed away, not now. For a moment, she gains control over her dark side. The sword falls from her hands, and Thranduil kicks it aside.

Thranduil recognizes the change in her. “Silevreneth? Is that you?”

She turns to look at him.

“Everything will be all right, my love... Just let me help you.” He reaches out for her with desperate eyes.

At his words, the darkness stains the edges of her vision once more, and she knows... This is beyond their powers. Her control starts to slip, as her fingers find their way to the dagger she had taken with her, pulling it out and holding it between herself and Thranduil.

“Silevreneth, please...”

She stops for a second, taking one last look upon his husband, her eyes trying to deliver the emotions she cannot speak anymore.

 “I will keep him safe. I will keep you safe.”

 Then, she raises the dagger she’s holding in her hand. Thranduil realizes what she is about to do and jumps forward, but it’s too late.

The blade pierces her heart, as Silevreneth drives it through her own chest. Blood runs over her fingers as she collapses forward, to the hands of his beloved one as he grabs a hold of her.

 “No, no—“

 He holds her, tenderly, raising her face so that he can look her in the eyes. His tears fall on her cheeks, as she raises her hand, touching his chest before muttering her last words:

 “I am sorry…”

And so, the Queen of the Woodland realm dies, her hand falling lifeless against the ground as her King lets out a yell, the sound the embodiment of pain and grief that echoes through space.

✽ ✽ ✽

His scream splits your ears, and in the next second you’re thrown back into your own body, the vision now gone.

You gasp for breath and try to calm down, as your heart races and your whole body shakes.

“I… I never knew…”

“Neither do most elves.” Silevreneth says silently. “Those who witnessed everything vowed silence. I was told to have died during the invasion, which was told to be the result of me managing to escape but being followed home by the orcs.”

“And now...” She looks at you, “I must stay where I am. For how long, that I cannot tell.”

“But... It was not your fault, none of it! Those creatures did it to you. There is no reason to keep you in the Halls for all eternity, as you are not one of the wrongdoers who are never to be let out!”

Silevreneth’s face suddenly twists, as she raises a hand to her temple.

“It matters not, the effects are the same. The darkness still lingers in me. I have been able to find peace here, but even lord Mandos does not know how long it takes before I am fully healed. Our bodies can be remade and healed relatably fast. Our minds, however... It may take quite some time.”

She sighs. “What I am trying to say... As my fate is so very unclear, I want for my husband to be able to move on. And now that he has you, I feel confident that he will be able to find happiness.”

Speechless, you turn to look at your hands, suddenly feeling tears rising in your eyes.

“Something troubles you, I see?”

“I... I just cannot believe I could be enough. Enough for someone like him to make him happy...”

Silevreneth touches your cheek tenderly. “The happiness is found within, my dear. Sometimes you just need the right person to help you find your way back to it. You have already started that journey for him - You might as well continue and see where it takes you.”

“Speaking of journeys, do not forget the one that sent you to him.”  Her voice grows weaker, as the light surrounding her slowly fades. “Darkness is coming, and there isn’t much time. You need to be prepared to face it.”

Removing her hand, she steps back, disappearing in the shadows. “And please... Keep him safe.”

- End of chapter 18 -

Notes: Phew, that was one heck of a chapter. Hope you liked it!

As, based on Tolkien, the whole world of Middle-earth was created by the music of Eru Ilúvatar, and Melkor/Morgoth did his best to ruin it by weaving his own nasty chords into it, I thought it would be an interesting idea to see how “the music of evil” could have been used to create much of the darkness in Middle-earth. Of course, in the later times when Melkor/Morgoth was no longer present himself, it was presumably up to his successors to keep up his filthy lil’ legacy (although it was less impressive in terms of creation), as he had done most of the ground work already.

Also, referring to the fae mentioned in the chapter, a quick FYI - fëa and hröa (in Quenya) were the terms to describe the soul and body of elves (their Sindarin equivalents being fae and rhaw). When an elf’s fëa separates from their hröa, they die. It could be unwilling, such in the case of getting slain, but it could also be done willingly, if the elf so decided.

Tagged persons: @shady-teenagers @danidac7 @bellastellaluna @blackcat995 @the-ship-amitiel @evyiione @tenduelimagines @raindancer2004 @bunnysneverdie @yhunakaye @chibiyanai @abbyg217 @fndmsrndmyfvcknglfe

As always, if you wish to be tagged on the future chapters, please leave a comment on the most recent one! :)

[forbesjames96]

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[friend-clarity]

The Results Are in for Remote Learning: It Didn't Work

Even though many students these days are tech savvy, that doesn’t assure they will do well with remote learning. Some education experts say there is a huge gap between what students can do for fun on their cellphones and gaming systems and how good they are at using a device for educational tasks such as reading a document, answering a question or figuring out a problem.

Tawnell D. Hobbs, Lee Hawkins, WSJ/MSN

This spring, America took an involuntary crash course in remote learning. With the school year now winding down, the grades from students, teachers, parents and administrators is already in: It was a failure.

School districts closed campuses in March in response to the coronavirus pandemic and, with practically no time at all for planning or training, launched a grand experiment to educate more than 50 million students from kindergarten through 12th grade using technology.

The problems began piling up almost immediately. There were students with no computers or internet access. Teachers had no experience with remote learning. And many parents weren’t available to help.

In many places, lots of students simply didn’t show up online, and administrators had no good way to find out why not. Soon many districts weren’t requiring students to do any work at all, increasing the risk that millions of students would have big gaps in their learning.

“We all know there’s no substitute for learning in a school setting, and many students are struggling and falling far behind where they should be,” said Austin Beutner, superintendent of the Los Angeles Unified School District, in a video briefing to the community on Wednesday.

Already, school administrators are looking ahead to an uncertain fall, when many will be trying to apply lessons gleaned from the rocky spring to try to reopen classrooms, possibly using a mix of in-person and remote learning. To prevent a repeat of the spring disaster, some of them say, more students will need suitable electronic devices and internet access, and teachers will need much better training about how best to instruct from afar.

Preliminary research suggests students nationwide will return to school in the fall with roughly 70% of learning gains in reading relative to a typical school year, and less than 50% in math, according to projections by NWEA, an Oregon-based nonprofit that provides research to help educators tailor instruction. It expects a greater learning loss for minority and low-income children who have less access to technology, and for families more affected by the economic downturn.

Even though many students these days are tech savvy, that doesn’t assure they will do well with remote learning. Some education experts say there is a huge gap between what students can do for fun on their cellphones and gaming systems and how good they are at using a device for educational tasks such as reading a document, answering a question or figuring out a problem.

“I think we have this assumption that since they spend all their time on their devices, it’s no big deal for them to learn remotely,” said Janella Hinds, a social-studies teacher at the 500-student High School for Public Service in Brooklyn’s Flatbush neighborhood. “But being a digital consumer and a digital learner are two different things.”

Parents, for their part, are frustrated after more than two months of trying to supervise their children’s at-home learning while juggling jobs and other responsibilities.

“It’s been very challenging,” said Mara LaViola, who has a 17-year-old son with autism and other disabilities in the Eanes Independent School District in Austin. Initially, she figured she would be more tolerant of teaching shortcomings during such an unprecedented time. But she was dismayed that her son’s interaction with teachers didn’t extend much beyond a morning greeting.

“The vast majority of it failed because of a lack of imagination, and a lack of effort,” she said.

A spokeswoman for the district defended the program, saying the parent of another special-needs student recently gave its services high marks.

School districts and teachers that had previously used forms of online learning made the transition more easily. But many educators, even those comfortable with the method, say remote learning isn’t comparable to in-person teaching.

“I find it hectic and stressful,” said Dallas middle-school teacher Delna Bryan, whose advanced Spanish classes include both fluent and nonfluent youngsters. “In the classroom, I can look around and see body language and know when some of my students not fluent in Spanish need me to switch to English. I can’t do that online. We need the interaction with the kids, face-to-face.”

Districts are now debating what they should do when schools reopen for the next academic year—whether to rewind back to where students left off in March, or to plow ahead with the regular curriculum and let teachers fill in missing skills. Some plan to administer exams at the start of the school year to gauge learning shortfalls.

School districts didn’t realize the number of students without access to devices and the internet until they surveyed parents. Districts that could afford to do so hurried to buy the technology needed to get students online. Some, such as those in Austin and Belleville, Ill., put Wi-Fi wired buses in parking lots for students to connect from their parents’ cars. Many districts prepared printed packets of work for students without online access, which were handed out in food drive-through lines at schools.

One major issue has been how to assess students fairly when learning is done remotely. Many school districts aren’t comfortable issuing grades for remote work. Some have told teachers not to give failing grades because of equity issues. Many are using a “hold harmless” approach, where grades that negatively affect students can’t be used, but ones that help them or are neutral are permitted. Some teachers believe the rule has simply resulted in students not doing work.

Others worry that remote learning facilitates cheating. “Whatever work we’re receiving online may not always necessarily be the work completed by the child,” said Alexa Sorden, founding principal of Concourse Village Elementary School in the Bronx.

Some of the nation’s largest school districts, including Los Angeles and Chicago, concerned about inequities in internet access and parental involvement, have told teachers not to give students failing final grades or anything lower than what they had before the shutdown. Washington state banned “F” grades in all of its districts.

“We can’t use the shutdown to fail them,” said Michael Hinojosa, superintendent of the Dallas Independent School District in Texas. “And some teachers are really good with this and some of them are not. We didn’t want to penalize people until we can make it better.”

Dr. Hinojosa said students won’t be failed for not completing remote work assignments, but those already failing before the pandemic who didn’t do any work will still fail. He said teachers can give an “incomplete” to students who fell short of passing but are willing to complete the work over the summer.

Many teachers unions have been supportive of not grading students because of inequities, although some of their members feel like it allows students to slack off.

Remote learning has turned the simple task of taking attendance into a challenge. Many count students as present if they log in to do work in programs like Google Classroom, an online classroom manager. Some give attendance credit for weekly progress on completed work, while others allow parents to call in to vouch for their children. Some districts aren’t bothering with attendance at all. Those that have been able to track attendance say it has been below regular levels.

Some students have simply gone missing. Early into the shutdown, the Los Angeles Unified School District estimated that on any given day in a week span, 32% of high-school students didn’t log in to learn.

Mr. Beutner, the Los Angeles superintendent, said at the time that some of those missing are among the most vulnerable—those in the foster-care system or living in deep poverty, students with disabilities and those who regularly missed school in ordinary times.

“It’s simply not acceptable that we lose touch,” he said, while noting that the number of students logging in has grown as the district worked to provide students with laptops and internet access.

Some districts have opted to end the academic year early. The Bibb County School District in Georgia wrapped up on May 1, three weeks ahead of time.  Officials cited stress on the community and said they planned to use the time to get ready for next school year.

The Quitman Independent School District in Texas stopped giving new assignments two weeks before the school year ended to focus on teaching life skills. Based on their age, students were asked to complete tasks ranging from making a bed to changing a tire to reading a bill.

“Parents are overwhelmed,” said Rhonda Turner, superintendent of the 1,200-student Quitman district. “It seemed like a perfect time to implement this. We’ve had a phenomenal response” from students and parents.

Lucia Curatolo-Boylan, a mother of four children, ages 4 to 10, in New York City public schools, found supervising the schooling a challenge. “It was definitely more difficult than I probably could have ever expected,” she said. “There was a lot that my oldest son was able to do on his own, which was wonderful. But the other two children really required my constant supervision and presence, which made it also harder to be there for my baby. Her nursery school education of her letters and numbers is quickly disappearing and not a priority because I had to sit with my kindergartner from 9 to 2 every day.”

Her son, 10-year-old Miles, has found remote learning exhausting and unpredictable. “Sometimes you have a lot of work and sometimes you don’t,” he said, recalling a time when he worked “almost an entire school day on three things.”

Some schools, particularly those with ample resources and some experience with remote learning, had a far easier time of it than most.

In Broward County Public Schools in Florida, the district had been building its technology program for several years and many teachers were already managing classwork online, so things have gone more smoothly. Nevertheless, a survey of Broward students in grades 6 through 12 found that 52% don’t feel motivated to complete distance-learning assignments. About 45% said they almost never receive adult help at home to complete assignments.

Administrators at Riverdale Country School, a private school in New York City, said their foray into online learning was successful, thanks to careful preparation and execution and having the resources to pull it off. The transition involved a month of infrastructure design and collaboration between administrators, teachers, the school’s technology team, students and parents.

Faculty and students participated in one-hour training sessions during the school day, and the school closed for two days before its spring break for a remote learning trial run.

As the school year comes to a close, districts are focused on making improvements. Some will use summer break to retool remote learning, provide teachers with professional training to use it, and work to outfit students with needed technology, with hopes of using federal stimulus money to do so.

About 9.7 million students aren’t connected to the internet, according to an estimate by the EducationSuperHighway, a nonprofit focused on connectivity in public schools. “As a nation, we were not prepared to take learning online,” said founder and CEO Evan Marwell.

Louisiana, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia and Washington, D.C., have the largest percentage of unconnected students, ranging from 26% to 28%, more than the national average of about 20%. New Hampshire, North Dakota and Utah have the lowest percentage, ranging from 10% to 12%.

Many districts plan to offer summer school, likely remotely, to get students caught up and help combat “Covid slide.” But some educators worry that the same remote learning that wasn’t effective in the spring won’t have changed much for summer.

New York City Department of Education will provide remedial instruction over the summer and possibly in the fall to thousands of students who have fallen behind during remote classes this spring. Officials expect about 177,000 of the city’s 1.1 million public-school students to enroll in remote summer learning, with about 102,000 of them required to take part.

School superintendents differ on how to reopen schools in the fall using social-distancing practices. Many are contemplating a hybrid system of splitting up classes and rotating students in and out of classrooms, with some reporting to the school on some days while the others work remotely. Another strategy being explored is to have younger students who can’t be home alone in classrooms every day, while older students learn at home.

To keep everyone safe, districts are considering new rules such as requiring students and teachers to wear masks, having students eat lunch in classrooms and requiring them to attend school in person only two days a week. Other possibilities include prohibiting the sharing of school supplies and the spacing of desks closer than 6 feet apart, and limiting parents and other visitors on campuses.

Educators hope that the rockiest days of remote learning are behind them.

“We’ve been building this plane and flying it at the same time,” said Danielle Buttacavoli, a school counselor at IS 61, the William A. Morris Intermediate School, in Staten Island. “We’ve been getting stronger at using these platforms, and I think the same goes for the students.”

Write to Tawnell D. Hobbs at Tawnell.Hobbs@wsj.com and Lee Hawkins at lee.hawkins@wsj.com  

[donalsgirl]

Oscar Isaac’s Mom Died. Now He’s Working Out His Grief in ‘Hamlet.’

Oscar Isaac spent most of the fall and winter at a hospital in Florida, caring for his dying mother, Eugenia. As her condition deteriorated, he found himself reading aloud to her from “Hamlet.”

“I would just read the play all the time, do bits for her,” Mr. Isaac said.

An Elizabethan revenge tragedy with a substantial body count and heavy existential dread isn’t obvious bedside comfort. But Mr. Isaac, his mother and his sister were all Shakespeare obsessives. When he was growing up, they watched Franco Zeffirelli’s “Romeo and Juliet” over and over. “Me doing Shakespeare was her favorite thing,” Mr. Isaac said.

So reciting “Hamlet” to her at the hospital felt like the right thing. Sometimes it felt like the only thing. “I didn’t know how to process any of this, but this I knew how to do,” he said.

As her health declined, Shakespearean questions that had seemed abstract — What drives the dissolution of a family? How do you overcome crippling loss? — felt immediate and real, he said.

Continue reading the main story

“I know it happens to everybody, but it’d never happened to me,” he said. “I know people’s mothers have died, but this was mine.”

Mr. Isaac’s mother died in February, but “Hamlet” is still with him. For most of this heat-struck summer, he is performing as the tortured prince grieving the death of his father, six times a week for nearly four hours a throw at the Public Theater.

Mr. Isaac certainly has other ways to spend his days. For one, his first child, a son, was born in April. And his film career is booming. In a few short years, he’s graduated from indie artisan, with films like “Inside Llewyn Davis,” to bona fide star with roles in “X-Men: Apocalypse” and “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” He can probably take whatever theater job he wants to or not take any theater job at all.

That said, “Hamlet” is a play that exerts a strange pull on a lot of movie and television stars (Benedict Cumberbatch, David Tennant, Jude Law, Ethan Hawke), and it’s a role just about any classically trained actor and plenty of actresses have dreamed of playing.

But it’s also a tragedy that asks Mr. Isaac to relive the anguished death of a parent at every performance. In Sam Gold’s rowdy, deconstructionist staging, every time Mr. Isaac mud-wrestles, or lofts a prop skull or performs a mad scene in just a T-shirt and briefs, he seems to be working through his own loss, transforming raw private grief into riveting public performance.

“It’s for my mom that I’m doing it,” he said. “It’s to honor her life, but also her death, which was so awful.”

ON A RECENT WEEKDAY, an hour before rehearsal, Mr. Isaac hunched in a booth at the back of the Library, the Public’s restaurant. Looking slighter in person than onscreen, he was sitting underneath a skull-bedizened poster for an earlier production of “Hamlet.” His black warm-up jacket was a modish update of Hamlet’s “inky cloak.” It wouldn’t have been a huge surprise if he had drawn a sword from underneath the table or spotted a ghost over by the bar.

This symbolic brazenness seemed like a joke; Mr. Isaac was probably in on it. He has a roguish sense of mischief that underlies even his more serious roles (“Ex Machina,” “A Most Violent Year”). And he’s one of the few actors of his generation who can combine the unrestrained volatility of a Method actor with pedigreed classical chops.

His Hamlet is antic, mercurial, unpredictable, but each line of verse comes across clearly, almost conversationally. As Oskar Eustis, the artistic director of the Public Theater — who helped cast a Juilliard-fresh Mr. Isaac in “Two Gentlemen of Verona” in 2005 and “Romeo and Juliet” two years later — said, “That combination, particularly in such a handsome man, it’s amazing.”

It’s that charisma that helped the “Star Wars” director J. J. Abrams decide not to kill off his character, Poe Dameron, who will reappear in the coming “Star Wars: The Last Jedi.” “The idea of Oscar Isaac as Poe coming back into the movie and being an ally to the cause got my blood pumping,” Mr. Abrams wrote in an email.

MR. ISAAC LOVED THEATER early. Born in Guatemala and raised by evangelical Christian parents in Miami, he had his first roles in religious plays. Even then, he played antiheroes. His first lead? The Devil. He devised an entrance from underneath the bleachers, scaring an adored teacher and exciting the interest of the popular girl he had a crush on.

“For that little moment, I thought, this is what I want to do,” he said.

Eventually he fell away from the church, and though his parents supported his acting ambitions, for a while he stopped that, too. He turned to music, migrating from soft rock to grunge rock to heavy metal, before landing in third-wave ska groups like the Worms and Blinking Underdogs, which attracted a local following.

Still, he never really shook theater. He studied it at community college and apprenticed at Area Stage Company in Miami. The artistic director got him reading Shakespeare again. “I didn’t really understand it,” Mr. Isaac said, “but I liked it a lot.”

He even developed an infatuation with the film soundtrack to the Zeffirelli “Hamlet.” On an impulse, he auditioned for Juilliard, using a monologue from Shakespeare’s “Henry IV” and arguing about its interpretation with the head of the drama division in the middle of his callback.

Richard Feldman, one of Mr. Isaac’s Juilliard teachers, remembered sensing in him “the best kind of artistic ambition,” adding: “I’m not talking about fame, I’m not talking about fortune. I’m talking about the hunger to be really good.”

At Juilliard, he met Mr. Gold, at the time a directing student. Mr. Gold was immediately struck by Mr. Isaac’s “easy energy and an easy relationship to his talent and having an incredible amount of talent” and a shared belief that “acting shouldn’t look hard,” Mr. Gold said.

The two of them fooled around with some comic scenes from “Hamlet,” making a pact to work together one day on the whole play. They both got “bit by it and obsessed by it,” Mr. Gold said, speaking by phone. Those talks continued, and two years ago, Mr. Isaac signed on, saying he felt he had to do it “before the knees give out.”

“You can only be so old and be upset that your mom remarried,” he said.

Once he’d agreed, Mr. Isaac began reading academic books, watching famous past performances, playing a recording of John Gielgud’s Hamlet “and just listening to the beauty of that man’s voice,” he said. After creative tensions with the production’s original home, Theater for a New Audience, “Hamlet” shifted to the Public Theater, where Mr. Isaac had made his post-Juilliard debut, and dates were set.

But then his mother got sick and his partner, the documentary filmmaker Elvira Lind, got pregnant, and suddenly “there were a lot of things that really connected on a very personal level,” he said. As Mr. Isaac explained, performing has always helped him come to terms with his emotions. “This is how I’m able to function,” he said. “The only way that I’m really able to process stuff is through reflecting it.”

Some of the visual language that he and Mr. Gold settled on — the syringes, the IVs, the PICC lines — make his memories and associations even more visceral. His Hamlet wears rumpled clothes and has a 5 o’clock shadow (if you’ve seen Mr. Isaac’s movies, you know his facial hair is a key to character) to approximate “the look and feel of spending long hours visiting a loved one at the hospital,” he said.

In the first days of rehearsal, Mr. Gold worried “that there would be things in this play that would be such deep triggers that he wouldn’t be able to make it through the show,” he said. But he watched Mr. Isaac use the play’s words “to contextualize what he was going through,” he said.

Mr. Isaac didn’t worry about making a timeworn speech like “To be or not to be” sound new. As soon as he says the words, he is instantly reminded of his personal loss and “the feeling that grief can just make you want to stop,” he said.

At the same time, he never really discussed that personal life in the rehearsal room. “It was always a very subtle thing hovering in the air, ” Mr. Gold said. Instead, he threw himself into experimenting with the role — physically, vocally — and worked on making his colleagues laugh.

Keegan-Michael Key, who plays Hamlet’s pal Horatio, noted that Mr. Isaac, who bought a Ping-Pong table for the rehearsal room, “likes to have fun.” Onstage he’ll often monkey with a pronunciation or arch an eyebrow just to get a rise out of a cast mate.

“He’ll do it on purpose just to keep everyone on their toes,” Mr. Key said. “The more alive it is, the more uncertain it is, the more dynamic it is.”

Mr. Isaac said that performing the play hasn’t felt especially dour. When he comes offstage after four hours he feels energized, he said.

That’s in part because the play isn’t only for his mother. When he acts, he’s also thinking of his 2-month-old son, Eugene, named after her. The baby has Eugenia’s lips, he said, and her hands.

He brought Eugene to the first run-through (“I think some of the more philosophical and theological aspects of the play were above his head,” Mr. Gold joked), and it’s Eugene he thinks of when reciting the “to be” part of the “to be or not to be” soliloquy.

As Mr. Isaac explains, the speech is about dying — that’s the “not to be” part — but it’s also about choosing to go on living. And Mr. Isaac has better reasons to go on than Hamlet does.

“You have a child,” he said, “and you must — you must for their sake — you must say yes to life.”

Source

[iringan-blog]

Adam’s Natal Chart Report

Time of birth: 04:48

Date of birth: 26 / 11 / 1985

Location of birth: Perak, Malaysia

Sun sign: Sagittarius 

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.

“Restless, cheerful, and friendly, Sun in Sagittarius people are generally on the go. They have a love of freedom, and a disdain for routine. Generally quite easygoing, Sagittarians make friends with people from all walks of life. They love to laugh and tease, and get along well with both sexes. Sagittarians have an often blind faith in people, and in the world. Their optimism is infectious, although it can get them into trouble from time to time. These are curious people who love to learn. Their idealistic nature is hard to miss. Although generally easygoing, Sagittarius is a fire sign. This gives natives a generally quick temper. Fortunately, they're usually as quick to forget what got them angry in the first place. The need for escape is generally strong, and some Solar Sagittarians come across as a little irresponsible. They're generally easy to forgive, however. After all, their direct, honest approach in life is admirable.” Short description: He is good, idealistic, enthusiastic and warm-hearted. He is independent, has a taste for travel and freedom. He is curious and fair-minded. Weaknesses: He is too adventurous and leaves things to chance: takes risks which cause problems: he is rebellious and sometimes tactless when offering opinions.

Moon sign: Taurus

The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image.

“Familiarity is important to Lunar Taureans. These people are earthy and strong-willed. They feel with their senses and they are pretty much rooted in their ways. They revel in material comforts--in fact, building a solid and comfortable home and foundation helps to keep them feeling safe and content. It isn't wise to try to push Lunar Taureans into doing anything, but once they have made a commitment, they're persevering. There's a steadiness to this position of the Moon that is comforting to those close to them. But the conservative streak in these natives can be maddening to more progressive personalities. They tend to go out of their way to avoid "messy" or unpredictable situations, crises, and emotional displays. Instead, they focus on creating a reliable and secure life around them. In relationships, Lunar Taureans may not easily recognize their partner's need for change, growth, or emotional stimulation. Moon in Taurus natives are generally very romantic. Their affections are strong, deep, and unwavering. They are sentimental and warm. Since Taurus is a practical earth sign, the placement of the Moon in this sign suggests an ability to protect themselves and their own interests. They will rarely make a move without first determining that it is safe and that there's something in it for them. Generally, Taurus Moon people have reliable instincts. They are very much tied to the physical world, and they often have a particularly well-developed sense of smell. Relationships with people born with this position of Mars are often quite enduring. Many Mars in Taurus people hang onto their mates, even in the face of serious conflict. Taurus is a fixed sign, so break-ups don't happen easily. There is a serenity to them that is calming. In fact, it takes a lot to really get to them. However, they do get off-center every once in a while. They are not the most adaptable people when their own routine is interrupted, for example. Though some Lunar Taureans might be considered anal, most simply have a stubborn streak that keeps them rather resistant to change. Rarely are they spontaneous sorts. Uncomfortable with surprises, these natives value stability. Their needs are strong but quite simple at the same time--they love the "good things" in life. The world of the five senses is all-important to these natives. Their love of stability and steadiness can make them slaves to routine. However, they are loyal and capable people.” Short description: Sweetness itself. Convinced of their ideas and strong-willed. He is foresighted and willful. He knows how to trust. He appreciates all the good things in life. He appreciates and protects Nature. Weaknesses: excesses in pleasure, laziness, sensuality, thoughtlessness.

Mercury sign: Sagittarius

Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit. Enthusiastic, humorous, and sometimes moralistic. He has strong opinions, and often shares them! Democrat, philosopher, tolerant, respectful of laws. Interested in foreign places and learning more languages. Believes that everything teaches you something.

Venus sign: Scorpio

Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others. “Venus in Scorpio people attract others with their intensity and willingness to commit. They have a strong and concentrated manner which suggests their feelings run deep. Their actions in love tend to promise deep commitment and sexual pleasure, even if they are not telling you this directly. Their appeal lies in their focus on you, and their dedication. Venus in Scorpio seems fearless when it comes to intimacy. Potential lovers get the feeling that Venus in Scorpio will never stray, that they are intensely loyal to the one they love. They possess you, and somehow make it seem attractive to be possessed. Venus in Scorpio natives give you their complete attention. These people are very focused on their partners. Depending on your personality, you may find this unnerving or entirely flattering. They have a strong need to control their partner, although this won't be immediately apparent, and they may not ever admit to this. Their body-and-soul love and commitment can be so intense that it eclipses fun and makes loving them a very heavy experience. Their emotion and intensity may seem overdone to those looking for a more lighthearted relationship. These people take things to extremes, and can be very provocative. Although they want to explore all of your nooks and crannies, they won't always be forthcoming with their own. When you've upset these lovers, you'll know it. Depending on the moment, Venus in Scorpio will shoot you one of the most piercing glares around, or totally blow up. Whichever style they choose, a slighted Scorpio lover is not a pretty sight. These people can be jealous of all of your attachments, but few will admit it. They're not afraid of being underhanded in matters of the heart, and they are experts at cutting through all the fluff and seeing you for what you are. Still, you may find their conclusions about you seem skewed and mistrustful. Pleasing Venus in Scorpio involves demonstrating your complete commitment and loyalty to them. Appreciate their guts when it comes to love and intimacy -- they're proud of their courage in these matters. If you can, and they're deserving, relinquish some of the control in the relationship. Let them feel they own you, without taking it to extremes. Remember, though, that some Venus in Scorpio lovers can and will take advantage of you on a subtle level, if only to keep you all to themselves. Let them have their secrets and their silences.” Short description: Sensual and passionate. Passions run hot and cold. Full of ardor and desire where the partner needs to be able to match his level. Can be jealous and possessive. If disappointed or deceived in love, he can become bitter. Usually very loyal. “Big-hearted. He is generous, altruistic, devoted, warm-hearted, lovable and sweet-tempered. He is drawn towards the Arts, music, song. He likes gatherings, parties. He has big emotional highs. Craves and often gets peaceful life in love. You are a likable, magnetic, attractive, and charming person whose heart is often on your sleeve. Unless Venus is very challenged, you are easy to befriend, diplomatic, and warm in self-expression. You tend to attract others to you quite readily, and rarely come on too strong or aggressively. Negative expressions of this position include a superficial charm, a tendency to "play dumb" when challenged or in doubt, and two-faced, passive-aggressive behavior. The need to be liked by others, and/or to keep the peace, might lead to feelings of resentment or general unrest if you feel that you give up your own power to others. You might find it difficult to make solid decisions. Your personal sense of style and manner are things that others find fascinating, and you generally pay great attention to how these things benefit you in life. “

Mars sign: Libra

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy. “Mars in Libra natives often reflect about things before they act. Decisiveness is not their strong point, but they do, eventually, get things done. Many people with this position procrastinate, generally because they feel the need to weigh all of the alternatives before taking action. Life isn't always fair, as Mars in Scorpio would say, but Mars in Libra will seldom accept this notion. These natives can easily get caught up in defending themselves and others. Although their overall goal is to live peacefully, they stir others up with their desire to balance everything. Still, they always play innocent when they are challenged, and can generally charm the birds out of the trees to win your favor. Passive-aggressiveness is practically the hallmark of this position. They don't want to look like they are ever being mean or unfair, but aggression has to go somewhere! Too often, this results in sneaky behavior and subterfuge. On the other hand, some Mars in Libra people turn the Mars energy into action, and they fight for Libran justice and fairness in the world. On the up side, Mars in Libra people are adept at predicting when problems and discord will occur well in advance. They know how to compromise and are excellent at conflict management.” 

Rising sign: Libra “Everybody seems to like Libra Ascendant natives. They just come across as nice, pleasant, and fair. Look a little closer at their lives, and these nice people may have had quite a few problems in their relationships. Some of them have had a string of relationships, and it can be hard to imagine why! These natives attract others to them effortlessly. Besides, they simply don't know what to do with themselves without a significant other. Libra rising generally appear to be smoothing everything over. They have charming smiles, a gentle approach with others, and an easygoing image. Even if they were not endowed with good looks, they are attractive. Most pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance -- the colors they wear, their hair, the way they walk. Libra rising people can be enormously persuasive, although they will almost always use a "soft sell" approach when they want to win others over, which is all of the time! A tendency to pass the buck and keep up that "nice guy/gal" image are their worst qualities. However, they can make excellent mediators and will generally be the first to accommodate you. Libra rising natives are usually attracted to competent, active partners. Their relationships are often characterized by bickering or competitiveness until they learn to drop their sweet image once in a while and to stop blaming their partners for everything that goes wrong.”

[theseventhhex]

Benjamin Wallfisch Interview

Benjamin Wallfisch

‘A Cure for Wellness’ is the new psychological thriller from visionary director Gore Verbinski. The music to the film was written by acclaimed composer Benjamin Wallfisch. Wallfisch, fresh off a Golden Globe nomination along with Hans Zimmer and Pharell Williams for ‘Hidden Figures’, is an Emmy nominated composer who has worked on more than 60 feature films over the last decade, composing music for such legendary filmmakers as Steven Spielberg, Rupert Wyatt, Gore Verbinksi and Lars von Trier. His projects have been recognized with multiple awards and nominations at the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, BAFTAS, Ivor Novello and World Soundtrack Awards. Throughout the soundtrack for ‘A Cure For Wellness’, Wallfisch’s compositions evolve immaculately as the story takes shape. Benjamin conceives a narrative opera that informs the film with an exceptional and inspiring outcome… We talk to Benjamin Wallfisch about being an observer, having Hans Zimmer as a mentor and the Golden Globes…

TSH: Talk us through the primary framework for your approach whilst working on the excellent soundtrack for ‘A Cure for Wellness’…

Benjamin: This movie forces the audience to confront difficult existential questions about the nature of our reality in the modern world. It pushes so many boundaries, both in terms of the brilliance and boldness of the filmmaking, the inner-workings of the story, and also the psychological thriller genre itself. It’s almost as if the film diagnoses the audience, and then offers a cure. But a cure with a terrible secret. I hadn’t come across any other film like it when I started the scoring process and as such it was a liberating, dangerous and exciting experience. In the end the primary framework was finding two character themes, strong enough to sustain the entire score and malleable enough so they could effortlessly evolve and metamorphose with the unpredictability and mind-bending nature of the narrative.

TSH: Was it particularly challenging to deliver the human truth of what these characters are experiencing in the movie?

Benjamin: Yes, but as ever it was about deciding from which character’s point of view the music was being told. For example, when Lockhart finds himself in an almost unimaginable predicament towards the end of the film; does the score support his own emotional experience at that moment, or that of the doctor responsible for his situation, or neither? Those kinds of decisions were sometimes made to completely disorientate the audience.

TSH: You’ve previously mentioned ‘being improvisatory and raw’ is really important. To make the music match the thriller, did you look to incorporate much of an improvisational outlook?

Benjamin: Whenever I write a film score, story is king. And to be true to that, it’s important in the first stages of the music’s development to almost be an observer of my own emotional response to the story and characters, and what that might sound like in music. So, my initial approach is often to put myself in the shoes of one or more of the characters, or focus on a particular story or mythology point, feed in the director’s overall vision for the tone and feel for the movie, and then just play; see where my musical instincts are through improvisation at the piano. Sometimes the central idea comes straight away, other times you have to ‘creep up on it’ as my mentor Hans Zimmer often says. For ‘A Cure for Wellness’, the process was the same, the only difference was I was working out of Gore Verbinski’s cutting rooms during the entire composition process from start to end, so I was in the fortunate position of being able to get immediate feedback on my ideas from Gore, and be guided by him at every turn. It was an incredibly inspiring experience.

TSH: Let’s talk about some of the top music on this body of work. Firstly, ‘Bicycle’ – the track resonates so infectiously. What were your intentions as you fleshed this piece out?

Benjamin: This is literally the singular moment in the entire movie where there is a sense of hope and freedom for our two main characters. Putting that into context: Lockhart is plagued with a childhood trauma he feels responsible for, and has channelled those energies into driving himself ruthlessly up the corporate ladder. Now he is unexpectedly in a strange environment with a broken leg, trying to fulfil what should be a simple task, were it not for the mysterious unfolding of the reality of his new environment. Hannah, is a girl in a woman’s body - a mysterious, fragile muse, with a kind of deceptive innocence. She has also gone through childhood trauma she can’t recall, and has been in the confines of the castle for as long as she can remember. So here there is a beautiful moment in the film where, just for the sheer adventure of it, they take a bike ride together away from the castle - Hannah pedalling, Lockhart precariously balancing himself on the back. The way it is shot and the energy of the cut gives the audience a moment of uplifting reflection and the score needed to support that emotion. I used rising melodies played by a full string orchestra to project a sense of hope, and driving harp and cascading piano figures to drive the physical energy of the scene. Gore often spoke to me about the concept of a ‘bicycle with the chain off’, not just literally as in this scene, but also in the sense of unrelenting inevitability the characters feel as they hurtle through the unimaginable truths of this place - the lack of control. So, this bicycle cue also had to reflect the hidden subtext of this bicycle ride, and that happens in the second half of the track, where the harmonies get darker and the orchestration moves into the lower strings.

TSH: ‘Clearly He's Lost His Mind’ is harrowing and daunting. What sort of ideas did you have in mind to capture such energy?

Benjamin: This cue is heard over a sequence of scenes where Lockhart is first briefed on his mission at the beginning of the movie. The setting is an elevator and then a stark boardroom, the photography and performances always gives the feeling of silent confrontation, perhaps the atmosphere every day in a high powered financial corporation. You hear the voiceover of a letter being read by Pembroke, the company’s CEO Lockhart has been tasked to bring back to New York, diagnosing his new view of the human condition. At the end of the letter Lockhart is asked what he makes of the letter: “clearly he’s lost his mind” is his response. Gore and I spent a lot of time together honing this particular cue, getting the exact degree of erosion of reality that is communicated in Pembroke’s letter, together with the stark tone of the scene’s setting. We chose strange mono synths that slide between notes, dark strings and cold harmonics as the sound world, and there are very subtle hints of Volmer’s theme in the string harmonics, which echoes the setting in which the letter was written.

TSH: What was the experience like in collaborating with Mirel Wagner on the album closer ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’?

Benjamin: Mirel is a wonderful artist, with such an evocative sound - she has a kind of strength and vulnerability intertwined in her vocals. Gore approached her to sing an acappella rendition of the classic Ramones song for the movie’s first trailer, but with a totally different energy from the original. Almost like an anthem for the patients at Volmer’s wellness centre, maybe even an anthem for modern society, the way 24 hour news, the advent of disorientating ‘fake news’, social media ‘curated reality’, relentless corporate advertising etc - can create a feeling of disconnect from the world - a form of sedation almost. Her first take was the one we used in the trailer - it was perfect, so we were done pretty fast with the recordings. So almost for fun she also did a version of the full song with guitar, and it was beautiful. We decided to turn it into a full track for the album.

TSH: Do you still feel that your job is to try to find ideas that surprise the director, in the right direction?

Benjamin: There’s always that first moment with any director where you play them your ideas for the very first time, and the ideal outcome is they feel you have engaged with their vision, the tone and emotional intent of the movie, and set up real potential for story development through the score, whilst also leaving some unanswered questions. If you can pleasantly surprise them whilst doing all those things, with an approach they might not have expected, it brings another layer to the storytelling, which is normally a good thing to shoot for. The bottom line is, whenever you start a new movie score - it’s always a blank sheet of paper. Each movie demands something completely musically bespoke and unique to exactly what the director intends, so that process of discovery of musical colour, theme, approach, energy is always something I try to approach as collaboratively as possible.

TSH: Your OST for ‘Summer in February’ received many kind words and was highly rated. What resonates with you most about this collection of work?

Benjamin: Alongside Beethoven, Stravinsky, Mahler, Bartok and many others, one of my absolute favourite composers is Vaughan Williams. This movie, set in Edwardian England, in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, was just crying out for a score that celebrates that lush and deeply emotive language which Vaughan Williams pioneered. Alongside Britten and Elgar, he really is the great hero of British music and in many ways I wanted to pay homage to him with this score. The narrative, which ultimately ends in real tragedy despite a pervading feeling of hope through much of the film, needed strong character melodies, and also a theme for the place - Lamorna, Cornwall. It’s a drama with a heightened sense of emotion throughout, a feeling of desperately wanting a resolution but never quite getting one. All of this motivated the score.

TSH: How inspiring is it to have someone like Hans Zimmer as a mentor?

Benjamin: Hans is without doubt the most generous artist I know, both personally and in terms of his ideas and concepts. Working with Hans is like walking into an high octane tornado of ideas and sheer force of creativity. I am constantly learning from him. With Hans, the project almost always starts with discovering the ‘big idea’ - what is it this movie has that no other film does, and how can that be manifested in music? How can that be done whilst living dangerously? How much risk can we take to maximize the creative reward? He has an uncanny ability to come up with an over-arching concept and musical ideas that will somehow be in such perfect sync with the movie's story, characters, subtext, rhythm, that it’s almost like that music has always existed for that particular movie. With Hans there is always the sense of a great musical adventure, driven by story, that elevates the film to a whole new level. Collaborating with Hans and being guided by him is a masterclass and I’m very grateful to count him as my mentor and good friend.

TSH: Furthermore, what were some of the highlights in working with Hans and Pharrell on the excellent ‘Hidden Figures’ film?

Benjamin: It was such a huge honour to be a part of this incredible movie: the opportunity to collaborate with incredible artists, creating a score that supports such an important story is truly something I will always treasure. To collaborate with Pharrell means truly examining a creative idea, no matter how challenging it may be. He looks beneath the surface of a creative dilemma, whether it’s a chord progression that doesn’t quite add up, or a story point that hasn't yet found the perfect musical analogue, and he goes inside, takes a walk. As a result, he makes the most difficult creative decisions feel easy, because they are truly considered. The end result is the music feels effortless, weightless, free, positive and joyful. He is a true artist - his love for his art shines through his incredible generosity of spirit. He has a way of making every interaction, whether it’s personal or creative, inclusive, benevolent and inspiring.

TSH: What do you miss most about London?

Benjamin: Mainly my family and friends there. Certain venues, museums, art galleries and orchestras, but honestly I really do love living in LA. Apart from all the obvious benefits professionally (and the incredible sunshine), there is a certain feeling of optimism and openness which I feel has been lost from London in recent years, especially since the financial crisis (which the UK is still very much recovering from) and of course more recently Brexit. With the new art galleries and museums being opened around LA, I think it’s an incredibly exciting time to be a resident here. I love visiting London which I do so regularly for recordings, but I’m not sure I can truly call it ‘home’ anymore.

TSH: How much did you frustrate your piano teachers as you’d never practice the music they set you to learn?

Benjamin: A lot! But they were very patient, and I’m grateful for that. For me, I’ve always been more at home improvising and inventing on the piano than learning someone else’s music. As a kid I’d sit down for 5-10 minutes learning what I should be learning, but then discovering a chord sequence in the piece which was really intriguing, and then spending about 3-4 hours improvising around it, figuring out what was going on, trying to understand it and internalize it. I come from a family of classical musicians and my Grandfather Peter Wallfisch was a great concert pianist. I think as a kid it’s most natural to follow in the footsteps of those you are closest to and for a while I found myself deeply immersed in the world of classical music - not just as a pianist, but as a conductor. I’ve been completely obsessed with film music from the age of 6 (it helps growing up in the 80s during the incredible heyday of the Williams/Spielberg collaboration), and began writing my own little piece of music at a young age. I was a teenager when my piano teacher at the time Ronan O’Hora pulled me aside and basically said - ‘what are you doing trying to be a pianist? You’re a composer!’ From that moment onwards everything changed.

TSH: How is time spent for you when you’re not immersed within music?

Benjamin: I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful and incredibly patient wife and any moment I can spend away from the studio, it’s with her. We love cooking together, going for long walks on the beach, and we also both share a passion for photography.

TSH: What were some of the highlights as you attended the Golden Globes ceremony earlier this year?

Benjamin: It was such an honor to be nominated alongside Hans and Pharrell for our ‘Hidden Figures’ score, and I just felt very fortunate to be in the room with such an incredible group of actors, film makers and artists. I think a particular highlight was meeting one of my director heroes, JJ Abrams on the red carpet, and having the opportunity to speak with him briefly. Also seeing Meryl Streep’s powerful and moving acceptance speech. I’ve never experienced such potent energy in a room as she was speaking. Again, a real honor to be there.

TSH: Finally, heading forward, what sort of opportunities do you want to explore?

Benjamin: I try to keep my main ambitions simple, which are to write better and better music, become the best storyteller I can be, and to collaborate with film makers where there is a real creative synergy. I love being challenged by new genres and approaches and one of the most exciting things about being a film composer is you never know what’s next. So it’s all about making sure your craft is evolving, developing and improving, so you are ready for whatever might come your way.

Benjamin Wallfisch Ft. Mirel Wagner - “I Wanna Be Sedated”

A Cure For Wellness (Original Soundtrack Album)