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seventhemaverick · 2 years ago

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Astro Observations 🌱

Disclaimer: This is my first Astrology post! I tried to do this earlier this year but tumblr lagged and it deleted all of my hard work lol. But now I’ve gained the courage to give it another go! I’m not a professional astrologer. I just study it in depth when I have time. Still very much a beginner. Please be kind and if I’m misinformed let me know! If you want to repost my work please credit me. This also has personal opinions in here don’t take it too seriously babes!

🌾 I don’t typically think Leo’s and Scorpios go together romantically BUT any other relationship outside of that exudes power team. For ex: Kylie and Kris Jenner. Scorpios are known to love power and Leo’s love the spotlight! Kylie was bound to be a favorite after her « ugly duckling » phase. Kylie rolls in the dough and Kris keeps that empire going. I’ve seen many Scorpio parents with Leo kids and they really seem to love them the most lol

Let’s talk about underdeveloped placements real quick!

🌿 Having a parent that is toxic or underdeveloped and has placements that fall into your second house can obliterate your self worth. ESPECIALLY if you have planets in that house and their placements are exactly conjunct 0° or 1-3°.

🌾 If your mars sign is exactly square one of your parents mars or 1-5° orb… 🌚 take the steps to move out if you haven’t already it’s for the best.

🌿 Capricorn moons I wish I could hug all of you. You had to grow up so fast and got handed some of the worst cards. But nevertheless resilience is your middle name. As you age things will get easier if you stand on business! Integrity is key.

🌾 I know libras are known to be superficial or whatever and I’m kinda one of them lol. I literally live off of aesthetics and I typically have nice skin but when I have a massive break out? I literally want to hide until they’re gone. My stress is next level when I don’t look my best.. I’m also a Leo Venus 😅 in the tenth house at that and have cancelled plans when I look and feel shitty.

🌿 All of the air signs almost always value intellectual stimulation first from their partner. Someone they can have great rapport, banter with. Someone that’s witty and knows a wide variety of subjects or has many interests is very hot. Sagittarius is the air sign of the fire signs so I’ll loop them in on this too.

If we lost any zodiac element, it would bring chaos to the entire world.

🌾 Air brings logic and reasoning, water brings compassion and empathy, earth brings grounding and patience, fire brings passion and vitality. Life is about interconnectedness.

🌿 I remember reading a blog that the gods put the constellation of Libra in between Virgo and Scorpio because they were too much alike and it’s so true lol. Both signs can be so compulsive and it’s overwhelming from what I’ve heard from Virgo and Scorpio placements. I can also see this easy going equivalence being the case for Sagittarius being in between Scorpio and Capricorn. The benefics happy go luckies in between the malefics drained and over it.

🌾… moon 3rd house overlay is addictive especially combined with 7th/8th/12th overlays in that synastry. I don’t think I can ever do that again unless we both have it overlaying each others charts. Someone’s moon in your 3rd house, their mind fascinates you and it’s easy to communicate with them you feel seen and heard. You dream about them, you think about them all the freaking time. It is the most annoying thing because why are you taking up my brain space like that bro? I had this with someone and I still think about them it’s been over for quite some time now. Another person that’s in love with me, my moon falls into their 3rd house and they tell me how much they think about me and day dream about me. I had said issue of daydreaming with the other guy. 2/10 would not recommend unless moon person is developed.

🌿 When the moon transits your first house you’re more likely to be more emotional and make drastic changes to your physical features! When Doja Cat shaved her head the moon was transiting her first house and I literally did mine the next day when it was transiting my first house.

🌾 Opinion but I love Pisces placements they are so helpful and loving when developed. I think the underdeveloped ones are too but they expect something out of it where the developed ones are just really selfless. I’m a Pisces Stan! I have so many in my life lol I have no Pisces placements. My 5H is in Pisces lol

🌿 Degree theory is that gworl. It helps you relate to the planet and it’s placement more depending on what the degree rules. For example I was dating a Sagittarius Venus in the 9th house at the 9° and he embodied that free spirited nature of Sag Venus fr. Another example, you can be a Pisces Venus but it’s in your first house at the first degree and the way you love embodies a more aries way of loving. Fiery, passionate a bit aggressive but very deep and tender to the core.

🌾 I’ve also heard the theory of when you reach the age of certain degrees of the placements you have you unlock that placements characteristics. Something significant happens to you during that age or you might master that placement regarding the planet and house placement.

🌿 The degree of your rising sign is more than likely the age of something significant happen in your physical life/to you physically. This is tea y’all.

🌾 You most likely share placements or degrees in your chart with your siblings. My sister is a Scorpio sun, Aries rising, Virgo moon and I’m a Libra sun, Scorpio rising, Aries moon. If I was born two days earlier I would’ve been a Virgo sun and if she was born one or two days later she would’ve been a Libra moon. So I think thats pretty cool. We’re also both Venus dominant and she has a Libra stellium 💗. You really choose your family for your next life lol like that’s so crazy to me.

🌿 Ima say dis with my chest. STOP doing wrong by Saturn ruled placements!!! Saturn is ruled by Capricorn, Aquarius in traditional astrology and we cannot forget about its exalted sign in Libra. As a Libra, I receive karma with the quickness but also people that have done wrong by me their quality of life decreases and or whichever house Saturn is in their chart is deeply affected in the worst ways.. daddy Saturn don’t play bout his! Be fair and follow the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

🌾 Having heavy Sagittarius placements in your chart makes you open to learn different languages or different cultures.. just always wanting to learn. Whatever house it’s in you want to master in life.

🌿 The mutables Gemini Virgo Sagittarius Pisces love their niches, they are the teachers and preachers of the zodiac.

🌾 Geminis have the gift of gab more than any other zodiac. Sagittarius could possibly go toe to toe with them

🌿 If anyone ever tries to degrade you for studying astrology and eggs you on to prove this practice to be true, get their birth info and read them their Chiron sign and house placement. Hit ‘em where it hurts!

🌾 Scorpio and Libra placements are usually the generational trauma breakers of their family. Honorable mention- Saturns children, Capricorn and Aquarius

🌿 An undeveloped Capricorn placement that enters your life is literally satan reincarnated to torture you for whatever you did wrong in your past life. And I (if u were raised around Christianity) believe Jesus was a Pisces/Aries! I can argue about this all day! In tarot Capricorn rules the devil! Like hellooooo

🌾 Sixth house/Virgo placements are pretty good at taking care of pets and plants. They feel the most sane around nature and animals.

🌿 Personal planets harmoniously aspected to Neptune make the person seem very angelic like. Very soft souls, earth angels. Hard aspects have people having an even more distorted projection of you.

🌾 Personal planets harmoniously aspected or not to Uranus gives you that shock factor some people will be repelled and some people will be very intrigued.

🌿 Aries placements especially sun and moon are really loyal! I’m talking mostly platonically. Once they see you as their person they are truly ride or die.

🌾 Cancer placements can be one of the most loving and giving when developed. Some spiteful mfs when underdeveloped omg.

🌿 I realize cancer placement women get treated with the cutest romantic gestures. I think they lovers want to do these things for them because they give off ethereal or princess vibes but they’re also real nasty in the sheets lol

🌾 Cancers don’t really get a bad rep even when they do shady things. For example: Selena Gomez when she dated Abel even tho she was cool with Bella was super weird. And I think a lot of people forgot how Kevin hart cheated on his wife like it was nothing lol. Ariana grande with the donuts and now the Ethan thing chileee. It’s like they get a second of backlash and then everyone adores them again lol.

🌿 Having a grand trine in your chart can make you so damn lazy in the houses those planets/figures are in 🥹🥲. It’s crazy cuz that talent(s) will come natural to you and you’ll over look it! Please don’t.

🌾 Grand squares are TOUGH but it pushes you to break cycles and overcome so much in your life. Same with t-squares

🌱 Astrology is really a map. It shows you which path you can take and where you can end up when you include discernment and discipline into your daily life. It’s never an excuse to behave the way you do. Ultimately it helps us reach our most aligned and enlighten self! I hope you all enjoyed. 🌱

Idk why I can’t figure out how to delete this question thing so let’s do a cute lil questionnaire!

#astro notes #astro observations #astrology #astrology observations #degree theory #scorpio #libra

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genyawritesshizz · 1 year ago

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A Hum of Time Toshinori Yagi X Reader

Part 1

Part 2

Summary: An innocent relationship between two workaholics could not possibly be that eventful. Just two individuals finding comfort within each other's company and the occasional cup of coffee. What happens when a secret that could ruin both of their careers brings the whole thing crashing down? In a heart wrenching decision, you must do what is best for all three of you and brave the future alone. Will you ever tell the truth? You might not have a choice.

2317 words

First my hero Fic! Loosely follows cannon but sometimes diverges.

This is the shortest chapter in the whole series. So, think of it as an intro :)

You’re late.

seven whole days, one week on the dot.

The first two missing days you had not even noticed, it was normal to sometimes lag behind a bit. Day four is when you finally noticed, five is when alarm bells started ringing and by the time six and seven rolled around you’d been anxiously pacing back to the bathroom stall every hour to check. No luck, not even a spot.

As Sunday peaked and the daylight burned you had deduced yourself to the confines of your bed. Wadded up under layers of blankets too deep in thought to care of the wasted time.

How could this happen? How could you have been so careless?

Or maybe, maybe it’s just a fluke. The stress from your job, all the hours on patrol and office, has caused this. With extensive google searches and online chat forms dating years back read up and down it was true that stress could delay a cycle, sometimes even stop it all together. It was wishful thinking.

As much as you wanted to believe that you knew, deep down inside, that it was a lie. A false narrative you told yourself to try and keep the truth at bay. The person who knows you better than anyone else is yourself, you know your body inside and out and right now, things did not feel right.

Only one way to know for sure.

In baggy sweatpants and an oversized hoodie you braved the streets in a haze. Unable to focus on much of anything around you. A villain could have been ransacking the neighborhood and you still wouldn’t have taken notice. The never ending loop of what if’s plagued your mind. What if it's positive? What would you do? What could you do?

“That’ll be 800 yen” taking your card out you paid and raced back to the comfort of your house.

Sliding down to the tiled floor test in hand, you could deny it no longer. The unyielding evidence on the plastic stick sealed your fate. No amount of shaking or lighting would cause the dreaded two pink lines to magically disappear. A cold sweat slid down your forehead.

You were pregnant.

And you knew exactly who the father was and it terrified you.

You loved Toshinori Yagi, truly you did. The two of you had been seeing each other for over two years in secret. However, given the recent surge in crime your relationship had become rocky. Though you may live under the same roof, and sleep in the same bed, your time together was few and far between. As the world's Symbol of Peace his schedule was slammed, not that yours was much better being a hero yourself. A gap where time allowed for each other dwindled with every new wanna be villain and gang. How were you going to tell him? At this point you didn't even know the next time you'd see him.

Wadding up the flimsy plastic wrapper with a deep breath you eyed the tester for one final look at the damned thing before stuffing it back into the box. You could not bear to look at it any longer.

Inside the same plastic bag it was purchased in, any evidence of what you just did lay at the bottom of a dumpster two blocks away from your house.

You could not tell him. Not now. When the time was right you would.

You held the secret of the baby from Toshinori, unsure of how to approach the topic. Neither of you had ever acknowledged the thought of children, in fact you barely spoke of the future as a whole. The word 'marriage' seemed outlandishly farfetched, if his identity was ever compromised or a villain caught wind of All Might having a wife... the consequences could be catastrophic for both of you. Your relationship with him as a whole was a gamble on safety alone. Adding legal proof only added fuel to the fire.

Times ticking, you need to make a decision.

“How cute” You cooed at the television, the screen showed a baby. Its chubby cheeks and puffy lips made your heart melt. Looking over to your partner who sat at the kitchen table. Unfazed by your comment the cell phone held within his hands garnered all his attention. Thinning fingered rapidly typing a text with blonde eyebrows knitted in concentration.

Brushing off your first attempt you figured it was bad timing, he seemed busy.

Holding the most recent newspaper in hand you ran up to Yagi, a smile on your face.

“Look at this!” Depicted was a photo from All Might’s busy weekend. He had a public meeting on Friday where he addressed the opening of a new public park in his name. Several small children clung to his legs and arms, some even tried to climb his muscular shoulders. “Kids really do love you!” You laughed, a light blush lighting up your face.

“They do.” Toshinori sat on the couch, head slumped over the headrest, and his eyes remaining closed, not bothering to look at the paper. Deep purple lined the bottom of his sockets in pure exhaustion.

“What do you think of them?” You picked at his brain, wanting an answer for your aching question.

‘Say something, anything, about children. About how you like them and enjoy being around them. That you want one. Maybe you could take our child to that park. Push them on the swings! Help them climb the jungle gym.’ Your mind subconsciously begged him with false images of both the thinner and mighty version of him running around with a similar looking child flashing through.

His shoulders shrugged in an indifferent manner, “I love my fans.”

Your heart sunk, you felt it swelling, wanting to burst. As quickly as your imagination grew it was stomped out like a pesky weed.

“Right.”

Finally finding a point in time where both of you were off was cause for celebration. Calling your shared tried and true sit down restaurant, The Mont, you happily booked a table for two. Tonight was the night, you'd tell him the truth. Calling his cell you were met with the voicemail box, not unusual as he's almost always in meetings or interviews at this time of day. The answering machine beeps and you leave a short message. Telling him to meet you at the restaurant at six, you'd be waiting for him and had something important you needed to discuss. Sighing as you hung up you knew it was now or never, you needed to get this off your chest. It was eating you alive with guilt to hold such a secret.

Trying once more half before six to reach your partner, again you were met with the beep of his mailbox. Shooting a quick text to ask if he was on his way you pushed the ever growing anxiety down and readied yourself. Greeted by the hostess with a warm smile you were happily led to your table.

A lit candle nestled in a small nest of faux flowers atop a lace tablecloth sat in the middle. Smells of freshly cooked meats and exquisite wine filled the air. Dozens of other couples sat around the bustling dining area. Glancing at a few of their love drunk gazes you envied how their hands intertwined, their laughs melded together, and their pure blissful happiness. No stress or electronic barrier separated them. You could not help the sense of melancholy and longing that came with looking. Sighing you fidgeted with the bow laced around your silverware, Toshi would be here soon and you too would hopefully join the crowd. But, as the minutes passed by and the growingly apathetic waitress made her fifth pass at your table your heart sunk as it was nearing seven thirty.

“Ma’am are you ready to order?” Her smile left much to be desired, from it’s once widespread across her face when she initially brought you a glass of water to one sided. She knew what you refused to accept. You’ve been stood up.

“Uh no not yet, thank you.” Giving her your own best attempt at a smile she looked at you for a few seconds before nodding and heading off to her other tables. You felt embarrassed, dejected and an overflowing sense of resentment. It felt as though all eyes were on you, the hopeless woman with the no-show date. Getting up from your table you left a few bills before dashing to the restroom.

Pushing a stall open and plopping down on the closed seat you felt yourself breaking. Hot tears poured out despite your unwillingness to cry in such a public place. With a hand clamped over your mouth you tried to piece yourself back together yet the sobs would cease. Whimpers and shaky breaths echoed off the heavily decorated walls amplifying your humiliation.

You’re a hero. You're not supposed to act like this. It’s disgraceful.

But God did it hurt.

Running cool water onto a paper towel you attempted to dab away the running black streaks of mascara from your under eyes and compose yourself.

The woman that looked back at you felt unrecognizable. Who was she?

A sad broken shell of who you used to be.

Trailing a hand down from the top of your cheeks to your neck you find yourself fondling the indiscernible bump of your stomach through the thin material of your dress. Though far too early to be showing, you knew.

They’re there with you. You were not alone. Not anymore. And never would be again.

Toshinori apologized for missing dinner via text a few hours later. There had been an attack in a neighboring city that called for his attention. You could not stay mad, the world needed him. But that didn’t take away the deep rooted pain in your soul.

Returning from a long day of patrolling the bustling city streets you’re greeted with a silent house. Not surprised by the lack of life, Yagi was probably out on patrol himself or perhaps at the office. Today had been rough, you kept finding yourself zoning out. Your head felt foggy, like any and all thoughts were muddled behind a thick layer of fog. It cost you a few nasty bruises from embarrassingly weak criminals. God, and the constant feeling of vertigo had you gagging up anything you tried to put down. You felt miserable.

Sighing you opened a cabinet, your auto pilot kicked in and the fog took hold. A million possibilities of the future, a million thoughts. Your mouth felt dry and your stomach so bottomless empty.

However, as soon as a tart liquid hit your lips and the stinging smell of alcohol slipped into your nose your brain snapped back to reality. Spitting the drink back into the glass you stared down, in one hand was a wine glass in the other was the bottle.

‘What the hell am i doing?’

Intricately etched music notes covered the stemware. Toshinori had bought you this on your one year anniversary, memories of that candle lit dinner brought a smile to your face. Swirling the liquid around you felt a dark cloud loom over, memories of your heartbreak in that same restaurant bathroom had your fist clenching around the stem until your knuckles turned white. The happiness felt from the memories had been spoiled.

The nights of blinding romance and fever had vanished long ago, he did not have time for even a simple dinner with you anymore let alone a child. You were a fool for thinking that he’d possibly want this. That this was even remotely possible.

What of his reputation? What of yours? If the media found out you’d be drug through the mud. You’d be dubbed a whore and this baby growing within your womb a bastard. All Might’s squeaky clean reputation as the world's god sent hero would be tarnished.

A memory from the night Toshinori told you about his late master Nana and her struggles with balancing her family and heroic life reverberated over and over in your mind. As much as you tried to convince yourself things were different, the overwhelming truth could not be ignored. She gave up her child. Her family. She knew that it was not plausible to raise a child in this line of work.

The glass flew along with the bottle, shattering against the wooden cabinet sending shards of glass and Gaja Barbaresco spraying across the kitchen. The cabinet door dared to have the audacity to creek open from the force. You slammed it shut, again, the inertia swung it open.

“Fuck!” you shouted enraged you slammed the cabinetry. Over and over the wood groaned in protest, the room echoed with sharp bangs, and the wall behind rattled. Toshi’s antique whiskey tumblers, countless commemorative shot glasses and your own collection of decorative stemware fell from the shelves, shattering against your attack adding to the growing pile. It did not matter. Nothing at this point did.

He would never want a child with you.

Both fists gripped the wooden panel and ripped it clean off the hinges. Slamming it down on the counter top you raised it to repeat the action but stopped mid swing, dropping it instantly. Your breath was heavy with exhaustion.

Looking down at your hands red wine mixed blood dripped and tiny shards of glass poked out from your palm.

Uncontrollable sobs had you falling onto the wet floor, knees tucked to your chest and hands wrapped around them. Curling into yourself you felt the world around fade away.

No longer restrained from the public eye you fully broke down.

You wanted to disappear, to shrivel up into a little ball and…

That’s it,

You had to leave.

Leave it all behind.

For the safety of all three of you.

If only you could go back,

#bnha x reader #bnha #bnha fanfiction #all might #mha #yagi toshinori #mha all might #yagi toshinori x reader #all might x reader #toshinori yagi x you #all might x you #unplanned pregnancy #tw depressing stuff #angst #fanfic #boku no hero academia

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vitaminseetarot · 2 years ago

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Last Quarter Moon PAC: What Are You Harvesting? 🌗🍓🍹

Welcome, one and all, to my last chapter of the four-part moon series! In the beginning, all we had was the seed of potential. We then added some tender love and compost, tending to its stretching stems and budding leaves. We then sat back and witnessed the colorful flower blooming forth, reflecting our work well done.

Now it's finally time to take a look at what will be harvested from this growth. How will it sweeten your life? How will it ensure that more growth can continue to the next month? What blessings will at last be bestowed that will, with careful preservation, last through the winter and beyond?

Take a peek at the three packages of fruit you see down below. These are of the frozen kind so they will last for many smoothies and muffins to come. (Brand names are blotted out for your convenience.)

Pile 1 - Chilly Blueberries Pile 2 - Snowy Strawberries Pile 3 - Frosty Plums

Pile 1

Cards: Four of Swords, Three of Cups, Nine of Cups; Dandelion Wish, Avocado - Prosperity, Scorpio Moon - Camouflage, 6 - Freedom

I guess it works that I called this the Chilly Blueberry pile cause it seems like you're just looking to chill. You've been through the long haul this last month, and for you the growth hasn't come easily. Now you're being greatly encouraged to kick back and relax for the last few days of the season remaining.

You've been spending a great amount of time working on your internal issues. This pile has done some immense shadow work, and perhaps you sense that you're still in the thick of it, laying low and addressing some old fears. These fears may have to do with something you've been wishing and longing for. There's almost a feeling of treating shadow work as a full time job, wanting to purge and clear as much as possible to make room for desires. Which isn't a bad thing! It can be the recommended thing for many people (like one of the other piles, per example wink), but there's also such a thing as overdoing it. Sometimes you get to a place where you've squeezed out every tear cried out and felt the rock bottom of rock bottom, where you're hitting impenetrable bedrock. Pile 1, this is your reminder that you've been doing GREAT work improving yourself, but now it's time to breathe.

You're going to be harvesting peace, relaxation, a chance to decompress and distract yourself with good times. Your friends could be trying to pull you out of the house or into a discord chat -- join them! Don't let yourself get distracted by the heavy emotions at this time. Not all shadow work is productive, like with anything it can be habitual and keep you ruminating in a little loop. You are protected as far as social relations are concerned. You're being given the space to relate your deep inner work with the work others have been doing. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to be in the thick of some deep karmic issues, only to find out a close friend or even acquaintance has been going through a similar ordeal.

Right now, even with all the freaky planet shit happening out there, don't think that the next few months will be like your last few. You're gonna undergo a subtle transformation on your own naturally after this harvest. You'll be moving into a place of wish making and abundance. This may even boost your sense of financial freedom. It could be that some of your shadow work involved money, but I'm really getting abundance in general with this pile. You don't have to overwork yourself to get to that place, pile 1, you're already approaching it. There's no need to get a 100% completion rating on your spiritual practice. You're not being rewarded for hard work, you're being rewarded because you're in the right place and time to be receiving the abundance coming for you. The shadow work is to help you get in a better mindset and receive without letting old baggage get in the way. It's not a forever thing.

Pile 2

Cards: Five of Pentacles, King of Pentacles, Page of Cups; Turtle Creek, Strawberry - Affection, Leo Rising - Shine, 5 - Heart Healing

How awesome is it that you got the strawberry card for your strawberry reading?! Maybe you just really like eating them; the card does talk about affection after all! With Leo Rising, I'm feeling that this pile has been really affected by the Leo Venus retrograde. Lucky for you, the planet will station direct in a few days, gradually bringing back in a feeling of overall sweetness to your life like a tide coming in.

It could have been that your self-worth took a small hit in some way. Some things may have happened that tested you just a little too much. You wanted more out of your circumstances, but when you ask and ask your spirit guides and higher self and nothing seems to happen on the surface at the end of the day, that can really wreck confidence over time. You'd hear things like "maybe it's just not meant for you," to which you'd respond, "then what is?" You're about to gain a lot more clarity as to what is for you, and that no matter what your doubts say, pile 2, you deserve this!

That belief is very important--it keeps you from creating blind spots where opportunities lie. I felt relief pulling the King of Pentacles in the middle. The King does not think at all about what he deserves, he simply has it. He listened to that one random shampoo commercial's message "because you're worth it, baby" and stuck to that philosophy for the rest of his life. He needed this confidence because with Pentacles (and as hinted by your Turtle Creek card), success doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if something is going to work out in the long run. We often have to wave our hair around like supermodels and strut our stuff as though we know it will anyway. (I just got "Good As Hell" by Lizzo in my head. You might benefit from pampering yourself a little to remind yourself of your worthiness.)

There's going to be a moment of inspiration that comes to you this harvest, like an artistic idea or emotional epiphany that will flood through your slow moving creek. Page of Cups doesn't see you as really stuck, but will help push you along either way. Your lack mentality is being restored to a fullness mentality, and with this comes a strong wave of emotional resolution. Letting yourself feel the hurt of lack for just a moment in time can help you clear it out of your system to make room for healthier and better feelings that actually stick. You're allowed to set down your doubts for now and be more vulnerable and open to giving and receiving. It may not seem so, but vulnerability is important to creating flow, and flow is when we sense that we are moving with life and not against it, so that naturally things will work out for us. When you're ready to open your doors to life with softness and tender affection, so will the doors to what you've been dreaming of.

Pile 3

Cards: VII Chariot, Queen of Swords, Ten of Cups; Cottage Hill, Watermelon - Fun, Sagittarius Rising - Adventure, 9 - Self Acceptance

Before I flipped over your cards, I looked at the Cottage Hill card and imagined how cozy you've been for the last while, maybe a season or two where you stayed home and felt comfortable. I even channeled a feeling of enjoying old familiar songs and games. Then I turned the cards around and got the exact opposite message!

Your cards are nudging towards pushing yourself out there and taking in the goodness of life without getting muddled in the details. You've been in a state of analysis (paralysis?) for some time, and the only thing you're harvesting, whether you like it or not, is the chance to go out and enjoy yourself. It doesn't have to involve others, it can be just you looking to try something new (maybe rock climbing isn't in your taste, but there are many other things to explore). Forgive me for saying this, but we all know what dried plums are: prunes. And what do prunes help with? Of course, getting things going! The Chariot isn't always a card of traveling, but you are specifically having your travel experiences sweetened this time around. A dash of spontaneity and whimsy has been added to your harvest. There is stuff out there waiting for you to see it and experience it for yourself.

Please don't think that this time to run around and enjoy yourself is a waste of time, pile 3. Do you know how hard it is to want to move ahead when you have 6-8 planets in retrograde? Cut yourself a bit of slack. Being a successful human being doesn't mean never allowing yourself to feel content with the present, especially since for many people being successful means exactly that. You also never know what these greater experiences could bring you in the long run. A good time spent away can be like a shower that prepares you for the next big thing to tackle. It could be hiding blessings in between, waiting for you to seize them.

The Queen is Swords approaches everything with discernment, so you can work with her energy by finding out what sort of thing you would like to do or see next. It doesn't mean planning every single thing out. The best itineraries keep you from getting lost from point A to point B, while also leaving room for exploration. Maybe you'd be interested in joining a computer programming class, for example. It doesn't mean you have to sign up for the full major. Taking things a step at a time can really help you determine what's better for you further down the road. Self-Acceptance card talks about how to deal with our tendency to self-contradict. There's a part of you what wants to move ahead, and part of you that wants to stay put in the comfort zone. Plan out your "itinerary" so you're not caught in black-and-white thinking. If you're feeling the resistance to move, just try it a little at a time. You'll have a lot more fun this way.

This reading has not been evaluated by the FDA to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any disease or infection. Please ask your physician before going online.

2023, @VitaminseeTarot ™

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kragehund-est · 1 year ago

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hey, not to make this your problem, but my adhd is kicking my ass. what systems do you use that work for you?

here are some of the things i use to help myself. everyone's different though, so see what works for you. @ anyone else, feel free to chime in with what you do.

study/work:

do NOT have your phone in the vicinity, and also put it on do not disturb.

dedicate a clear space to work in, don't do other things in that space.

set a timer for 25 min and study til it runs out. take a 5 min break. repeat 3 times. then take a 40 min break. (pomodoro technique) plan ahead of time what will happen in each of those time slots.

it's fine to fidget or doodle, but do a periodic check that that's not becoming your main focus. i use a grip strengthener because i don't have to look at it to use it.

if you listen to music, either set a playlist or accept whatever music comes on. if a song you dont like comes on, simply accept it and let it pass. DON'T PICK UP YOUR PHONE TO CHANGE IT.

if you find your mind drifting while you're studying/working, don't stay in the same place, get up. get a glass of water, stretch, get a snack, whatever. come back once you feel you can focus better.

memory:

a lot of people will tell you to set up a morning/nightime routine. instead of putting in steps like 1. brush teeth 2. take meds, etc., my routine is to force myself to walk along a predetermined path in my house. it's much easier to remember to do things when i SEE them

if you have something you misplace often, like you wallet or keys, give it a home. i have a little box on a table by my door.

if you have to remember to bring something with you (like a backpack, gym bag, or gift for a friend), place it directly in front of the door. you cannot leave without looking at that thing.

also, you can get carabiners and clip things together. i used to always forget my water bottle. well now i physcially cannot do that because i clipped my car keys to it.

write things down! "nahh i'll just remember it" <- no you will not. bring a notepad and pen.

in that same vein, don't put anything off when it takes two seconds. pay for something with your card? immediately afterwards put the card back in your wallet, lest you drop it in your pocket and then forget it there when you wear different clothes the next day.

i have a huge whiteboard in my living room that has my calendar and my to-do list.

on my calendar, i put not only the event, not only the TIME of the event, but also i include the time i need to leave in order to arrive on time, and list anything i need to bring with me.

the to-do list has completion times and priority level next to it. i will NOT start a low priority 40 min project when i have high priority 5 min project. even if the 5 min one sucks.

general tips:

everyone with adhd knows routine is important, but if you find part of a routine difficult, find the root issue and adjust it. problem: i take too long to get dressed in the morning. cause: too tired to make a decision, uncoordinated because of sleepiness. solution: lay your clothes out and loop your belt through belt loops *before bed* so you don't have to do it half asleep

don't mix stimulants. caffeine or adderall alone: cool. caffeine and adderall mixed: twitchy sociopath behaviors and shaky hands.

don't worry about maintaining "normalcy", if something works for you, do it.

limit phone use, especially short form media like reels. it has been proven to both induce and worsen adhd-like symptoms.

i know this is cringe but maintain your physical health. exercise, sleep well, drink water, eat balanced meals.

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shion-yu · 1 year ago

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A Safe Place (part 3) [day 18]

A feverish Cliff is seen in the emergency room. For @monthofsick Day 18 “Unfamiliar surroundings”. 2,965 words, original work, TWs emeto, hospital content.

Part 1 | Part 2 - I swear this was supposed to be 2 parts but now it’s gonna be 4? Lol whoops.

Elliot supported Cliff into the busy ER. It was a Saturday, of course there were a lot of people there, Elliot thought regretfully. Silly to hope otherwise. Elliot eased Cliff into a seat as close to the reception desk as possible and then checked Cliff in, presenting Cliff’s ID and health insurance card. He was grateful Cliff’s wallet and phone were the two things his boyfriend had actually brought with him when he left his parents’ house, although a jacket and his inhaler would have been useful third and fourth choices.

“What’s this visit for?” The receptionist asked after scanning the cards and handing them back to Elliot.

“My boyfriend is having trouble breathing,” Elliot said, hoping this concerned her as much as it concerned him. “He has asthma, he’s wheezing, and he has a high fever. He didn’t know who I was earlier.”

The receptionist stood up a little to catch a glimpse of Cliff in his seat, who did look like he was struggling. “Okay, we’ll get him triaged as soon as possible,” the receptionist said. Elliot chose to believe her for his own sanity’s sake. “In the meantime, have him wear a mask.”

Cliff sagged against Elliot when Elliot sat next to him. He was in no shape to do paperwork, so Elliot tried to fill it out as much as he could. Fifteen minutes passed. Cliff was whimpering in pain and his wheeze had grown louder. “Just a few more minutes, Cliffy,” Elliot said, hoping it wasn’t a lie. Thirty minutes passed. Cliff was now insisting he was fine after all, and that they ought to go home. But that was when he was lucid, which would last only a minute before he’d follow up by saying something that made very little sense and reminded Elliot exactly why they couldn’t leave. Finally, about forty minutes after they’d checked in, a nurse called Cliff’s name and brought them to a small room between the waiting room and the actual ER. Elliot repeated the story he’d given the receptionist although more aggressively this time as the nurse nodded and took Cliff’s vitals.

Elliot never wanted Cliff to be so sick. However, his vitals did prompt some action and for that Elliot was grateful. Cliff’s fever was 103.5 now, his oxygen running lower than expected at 92%, and his heart rate and blood pressure were both high. The nurse led them to a stretcher in a curtained off bay and told Cliff to change into a gown. Elliot had to help Cliff climb up, his boyfriend’s coordination poor. His hands were shaking too hard to button his own gown up, so Elliot did it for him.

“Don’t feel good,” Cliff mumbled, swaying even as he sat up on the stretcher.

“I know, just lie back,” Elliot said. “They’re gonna help you.”

Thankfully, this time they only waited about ten minutes before a new nurse came in with a small bucket full of supplies. She introduced herself as Anna and said she was going to insert an IV, take some blood, and hook Cliff up to oxygen and fluids. She was also going to swab Cliff for flu and strep, but Elliot explained the urgent care had already done that. “Well, this tests for some other stuff too, it’s a full respiratory panel. I’d recommend we just do it anyways.” Elliot agreed on Cliff’s behalf; Cliff seemed to be communicating only in nods at this point.

Nurse Anna looped some oxygen tubing over Cliff’s ears first and plugged it into the wall. She also attached a blood pressure cuff and oxygen probe that she said would stay on for now for monitoring. Elliot felt like all the devices only made Cliff look sicker. Anna swabbed Cliff’s nose, which made him cough harshly to the point of gagging, and then got ready to insert an IV.

Cliff looked to Elliot in panic, swallowing rapidly. ‘Faint,’ he mouthed to Elliot helplessly. “Um, I think he passes out when there’s needles,” Elliot spoke up for him. Cliff nodded gratefully.

“Well you’re in the right place if you do,” Nurse Anna said. She lowered the head of the stretcher and told Elliot to hold Cliff’s hand as she looked for a vein in his other arm. “I’ll go super quick,” she reassured them, and she was right. It was quick. But Cliff turned sheet white and got really sweaty and by the time she’d collected enough tubes of blood, flushed and secured the hub and hooked him up to a bag of fluids, Cliff was barely conscious. “Don’t worry, it happens,” she said. She put a pillow under Cliff’s legs and told him to breathe deeply through his nose. Elliot found her calm demeanor the only thing keeping him calm, because it seemed terrifying even if it was normal. Cliff followed her directions and eventually gained some color back. Anna said his blood pressure was coming back up and that he should just lie there with his feet up for a few more minutes, then left the room.

“I’m sorry,” Cliff apologized miserably for the tenth time since they’d come back here.

“Baby, please, stop apologizing,” Elliot told him. “You’re here because you have to be and you’re not doing anything bad or wrong. Just rest.”

Cliff’s eyes filled with tears and he covered them with his forearm. “I suck,” he whimpered, Elliot’s words clearly not having reached him as intended. Elliot sighed and put one hand on Cliff’s head to stroke his sweaty hair. It wasn’t worth fighting Cliff on this right now. Elliot just had to be there for him.

Cliff fell asleep to Elliot’s relief. Elliot texted his mom what was going on and hoped this wasn’t as bad as it felt. Cliff snored quietly until a woman came with a huge portable x-ray machine. “Sorry to wake you up,” she said, “Cliff? I’m here to get your x-ray. I’ll go fast.”

Cliff opened his eyes and stared blankly at her. Elliot wasn’t sure if Cliff knew what was going on at this point so he stroked Cliff’s arms and explained, “Cliff? She’s gonna take the pictures of your lungs now.” He helped the x-ray tech manipulate Cliff’s torso so that he was lying on a hard board. Elliot stood in the doorway while they did the films.

“Alright, take a nice deep breath for me and hold it,” the x-ray tech said. “I know, good job, got it. You can cough.” And cough Cliff did, that same desperate wet cough that had made Elliot’s mind up to bring him here. He managed to catch his breath, but it wasn’t over. “One more,” the tech said, moving the boards and machine around to point at Cliff’s side now. “Again. Deep breath. One, two, and good. Let it out.”

This time Cliff didn’t seem able to stop coughing. He coughed until each gasp sounded like a Herculean struggle and Elliot wasn’t sure that any of that air he was gulping in was actually reaching his lungs. The machine that was measuring Cliff’s oxygen levels started to beep and the tech told Elliot she was going to find the nurse. Elliot held on to Cliff and tried to soothe him, but it didn’t seem to work. Cliff just kept coughing until suddenly his eyes flew open and he spewed a sharp wave of vomit from his mouth all the way to the end of the stretcher. Elliot winced, pulling back and trying not to look at the mess. Cliff spluttered and coughed between additional harsh gags that produced little besides a stream of thick brown saliva that pooled in his lap. Elliot prayed the nurse would come in soon and hesitantly rubbed Cliff’s back. He didn’t know what to do and Cliff seemed frozen, unable to lift his head or close his mouth.

Thankfully the nurse showed up then and said, “Oh no!” Oh no was right, Elliot thought anxiously. “Did we just get coughing too hard?” She glanced at Cliff's oxygen levels and turned a small green dial on the wall, which made a quiet hissing noise for a second as the flow of oxygen increased. “Don’t worry hun, we’re going to get you cleaned up.” She found a change of sheets in one of the cupboards behind the stretcher and changed the blankets and top sheet in record time. She checked Cliff’s fluids which were nearly done and then charted standing in the room for a few minutes on her rolling computer.

Cliff was silent, hunched over holding a pink plastic basin in his lap in case of another incident, and Elliot couldn’t tell if he was just out of it or humiliated. The room still smelled of putrid stomach acid; Elliot breathed through his mouth. His phone dinged in his pocket and he saw an alarmed text from his mother. He didn’t have time to reply though, as the doctor walked in at that moment.

“Doctor Jim,” Anna greeted him politely, scooting her computer farther away from the bedside. “He just threw up coughing and I turned up his oxygen.”

“I’m not surprised,” Dr. Jim said. He looked to be in about his forties, was mostly bald and had tiny round glasses that looked too small for his face. “Cliff? I’m Jim, I’m a physician here. How are you doing today?”

Elliot thought that was a stupid question. Cliff looked at Dr. Jim with hazy eyes and mumbled, “Sick.”

“Well, that makes sense. You’ve got yourself a nasty case of double pneumonia,” Dr. Jim said. Elliot’s heart sank. “Has this ever happened to you before?”

Cliff shook his head no. He moved his hand to the edge of the bed that Elliot understood as a silent signal to hold it, which he did. “Well, I think it’s best if we admit you for observation overnight with the vitals you have. I’m going to order two IV antibiotics and some steroids, try and get that swelling down in your lungs and hopefully you’ll be feeling better in no time. How’s that sound?”

Cliff didn’t answer. “That sounds fine,” Elliot said, squeezing Cliff’s hand. “Can I stay with him?”

“Once we move him to the floor, visiting hours are eight to eight,” Dr. Jim said. “But you can stay with him for as long as he’s in the ER.” He turned to Anna and gave a few other orders for Zofran, Tylenol, albuterol and budesonide treatments. It all seemed so casual to them, but Elliot was still disturbed by how sick Cliff looked and seemed to him.

Dr. Jim physically examined Cliff next. Cliff shuddered and Dr. Jim apologized for his cold hands, but Elliot knew that the temperature hadn’t had anything to do with it. He hummed a lot, wrote down some notes, and then left with a “Hope you feel better soon.” Elliot wondered if he told all his patients that, or just the ones who could actually get better soon. Nurse Anna also excused herself to get the ordered medications, leaving Elliot alone with Cliff once again.

“So… pneumonia. That sounds pretty bad,” Elliot said. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt so sick?”

“You were at work. I didn’t want to bother you,” Cliff said in a tiny voice. “And then I tried to text you but none of the letters in my phone made sense.”

Elliot felt his chest clench painfully hearing that. “Cliff, you wouldn’t have bothered me.”

“But I’m bothering you now,” Cliff whimpered.

Elliot frowned. “I didn’t say that.” Silence from Cliff. Elliot sighed and grasped Cliff’s hand in his own. “Cliff, Cliffy, can you look at me?” It took a second, but fever-bright, hazel eyes eventually focused on Elliot. “You’re my boyfriend. I want you to be okay. Can you at least try to trust me?”

“I do trust you,” Cliff whispered, voice hurt.

“Then let me care about you.”

Cliff fell quiet again and Elliot sat back but kept Cliff’s hand in his. Cliff had his eyes closed, but it didn’t do much to hide the tears that escaped from the corners of them. Elliot didn’t say anything, just brushed them off of Cliff’s cheeks with his sleeve. Once Cliff was asleep, Elliot finally allowed his own silent tears to fall.

Eventually a CNA came to bring Cliff down to the short-stay unit. She rolled Cliff’s stretcher down the hall and into an elevator. Cliff looked nervous and kept glancing at Elliot, making sure he was still right next to him. Elliot always was. They got to a small room that had a real hospital bed in it and the CNA and Elliot both helped Cliff take two steps from the stretcher onto the bed. It was painful for Elliot to see how difficult even this brief transfer was for Cliff, and Cliff started another one of his long coughing spasms afterwards. Elliot rubbed Cliff’s arm, unsure what else he could possibly do to help. “Water,” Cliff croaked hoarsely between deep, rattling coughs.

“Sure. Um…” Elliot looked around him but this room was barely more than an ER bay. It didn’t even have windows. “Let me go check,” he said, and went to go look for the nurse’s station. There were two tired and rather bored looking, middle aged women sitting at computers at the end of the hall. “Excuse me? My boyfriend just got here and he could use some water…”

“I’m almost there,” one of the nurses said, which Elliot thought was a weird thing to say when she very much wasn’t almost there. Regardless, they didn’t seem to like him hovering very much so Elliot went back to Cliff’s room. There was nowhere for him to sit, so he stood at the bedside. Cliff had managed to stop coughing at least.

The nurse, despite her indifferent demeanor, did show up with a little bin that contained hospital socks, meds and a large plastic jug of water. “Clifford Barrows, hmm? I’m Carey. And you are…?” She raised an eyebrow at Elliot.

Suddenly feeling extra protective, Elliot quickly said, “His boyfriend.”

“Alright. Mr. Barrows, are you okay to have Elliot in here?”

Cliff nodded a yes. Elliot thought it was so weird to hear Cliff called by his last name. They seemed too young for that.

“Well, your boyfriend will have to leave after I finish this admission paperwork as visiting hours are over soon, but remind me to get you a chair for tomorrow,” Carey said. She started a myriad of questions, which included Cliff’s emergency contact.

“Make it Elliot,” Cliff said quickly, looking at him. “Um, will my dad know I’m here?”

“You’re eighteen, right? Not unless you tell him,” Carey said. “But I see your dad is the primary insurance holder so he may see the invoice after you’re discharged. It shouldn’t show any details though.”

Cliff grimaced but nodded. At least there would be no confrontation in the actual hospital, Elliot thought to himself. Carey kept asking questions, which ranged from did Cliff smoke to could he walk up a flight of stairs to did he have any plans to hurt himself right now. They seemed a little ridiculous to Elliot, but Cliff was able to answer all of them with simple yes’s and no’s pretty quickly since he was for the most part entirely healthy.

“You’re easy,” Carey said, winking at Cliff. “Boyfriend? Visiting hours are over now honey, so you say your goodbyes and you can come back at 8am tomorrow morning.” Elliot thought she was kind of like those old ladies at diners who yelled at you for your order but called you honey so you couldn’t feel totally attacked.

He nodded and gave Cliff a quick hug. He thought about kissing him, but Cliff didn’t like to be kissed in front of other people so he just squeezed Cliff’s hand instead. “I’ll be back in the morning,” he promised. “Get some rest and tell them if you don’t feel good, okay?”

“Okay,” Cliff said. He looked scared, so Elliot hugged him again and kissed the top of his head this time.

“I love you,” Elliot said. “I know you can be strong for me. You’ve got your phone right here.”

Elliot didn’t look back as he left, because he could feel Cliff’s kicked puppy expression trailing him and knew if he did, it would be ten times harder to leave. He walked to the parking lot without thinking, got in his car, and drove home without Cliff beside him. He made it to the park a block away from his parents’ house before he pulled over and cried for a solid ten minutes.

Cliff was going to be okay, Elliot told himself. Cliff was stronger than he seemed, and realistically Elliot couldn’t be there for him every second of the way. But he’d promised Cliff they weren’t going to the hospital, and then he promised Cliff that he’d be right there next to him the whole time. He’d broken both of these promises and now Cliff was sleeping in a hospital bed, in a tiny room with no windows and only a crotchety old lady to keep an eye on him. Elliot felt just terrible and wondered if he’d made the wrong choice dragging Cliff to the ER. All he wanted was for Cliff to be okay, though, and he really hadn’t seemed okay today.

Elliot wiped his tears away and told himself he had to be strong. This seemed so intense and adult, but Elliot couldn’t let it overwhelm him. He tried to remember the coping mechanisms his therapist had taught him back in high school. Deep breaths. One second at a time. He could do it, and so could Cliff. Elliot turned on the car and returned home by himself.

[Part 4]

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selfmythologize · 3 months ago

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task one, prompt six, a muse playlist

track 1: peter pan by rainbow kitten surprise

well, we're lost, boys / but i can't think of anywhere i'd rather be / than here with you for remedy and all that they've been through together. given the chance, daon would relive it all a hundred times.

track 2: cards by bay faction

i can't stay / giving myself away / every edge bound to fray / like edge of my seat / like every day for the willingness to give everything he has to his fans versus the acknowledgement that the love he receives in return is conditional, and the constant fear of it all coming to an end.

track 3: american hero by rainbow kitten surprise

if you really don't mind, take me as i am / take me as i am, when you get a chance / take your time, i understand / believe me when i say i carry all my sins / and i would do anything for you to love me for insecurity and all of the ugly things that it entails. (he's a loser, really).

track 4: 911 / mr. lonely by tyler, the creator

i'm the loneliest man alive / but i keep on dancin' to throw 'em off for all of the deep, dark feelings that daon keeps to himself. the worse he feels, the livelier he becomes.

track 5: what don't belong to me by post malone

i can wrap a rope around the moon / tie it up and drag it down to you / honey, if you ask me to / you know i'd try it a song that's heavily associated with daon by remedy's fans, as it's the song that he claims "introduced him to the joy of country music". part of a stupid bit that's long in the past now, but it's still used in many fanmade daon playlists and edits, and it's still one of his favorites. furthermore, it acts as a representation of the love and commitment he has towards remedy and his fans.

track 6: delusional world champion by jean dawson

walk / 'til i can't feel my feet, i'm stuck / inhale, exhale, i'm the breeze, yeah / catch me if you can, i got the moon in my greedy little hands for seo "give an inch, take a mile" daon in his entirety. he's greedier than you'd think, but he does a good job at turning his desperation to be somebody into a show worth watching.

track 7: nothing ever does!!! by dayglow

here it goes now / once again, it's happening / losing every grip that i have / absolutely spiraling for his fear of change, and the constant sense of loss that he feels for yesterday. as surprising as this revelation might be to those who don't know daon on a deeper level, he wants to live inside a routine; or rather, a constant loop of the perfect day. problem is, he always thinks "the perfect day" passed him by, so it never comes.

track 8: until the high wears off by the maine

so when we both come down / will all the love run out? / oh, well, i guess we'll see for the fear of what comes next. after remedy, after his 20's.

track 9: leech by the ready set

mood swinging, but seemingly i'm a sweet-talker / grave-digging a double life, i'm a skinwalker / glorified mannequin, unraveling / you could pull me apart and then dress me up again for his commitment to being whatever he needs to be. seo daon is an idol much more than he is an artist.

track 10: a thousand bad times by post malone

i had a thousand bad times / so what's another time to me? / you try to burn my house down / but what's another house to me? for the undefeatable spirit of seo daon. as made obvious in this playlist, he's not immune to sadness and fear, but overall? he knows he's got a pretty good life, and it's all gonna be okay.

#𝗗𝗔𝗢𝗡 / development.#midas:task001

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amomentxofhappiness · 28 days ago

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Lucifer Morningstar

Follows Luci's TV show except the part where he abandons Chloe and rory

He was trapped ina hell loop with Michael, Sam Winchest.er and Adam Milligan.

Adam became one of his best friends and remains so to this day.

He Is the godfather of one of Adam and Meeka's twins. @florxdexcerezos

John Greenwood (alt. verse, he's not Lucifer on this one)

45 yr old, pansexuql

Lu Yangs ex

White collar. Sr. Director at the same company Alejandra works in. A little tired of the life but loves thr paycheck and lifestyle (and thinking he holds power. Newsflash: he doesn't) @troublesomemix

Gregory House

Follows Hous.e MD (somewhat) until season 6. Greg gets cleaned and continues to run the diagnostics department of Princenton Plainsboro with a team of 3.

He's bisexual and had a long-standing relationship with his friend Wilson, who passed away from cancer 3 years ago.

He had an on and off relationship with Gwen Richardson after being Hera's colleague for a while. He was the one attending Henry when he had a heart attack and will attend Gwen when she's back from being a POW. @the-life-we-fear

He is Prue's (asshole-ish) boss in modern verses.

Randy Sommerset

Short version: divorced, dad jokes, 2 kids in middle school. Worked retail for a lot of years, now he's a contractor building houses. Straight against his better judgement, besties with Eddie Brock, goes to Jack's bar on the regular.

He is NOT into anyone under 25, makes him feel like a craddle robber.

Richard Cooper

Rick is Prue, Paula and Parker's dad. He is happily married to their mom and has been for 25 years (they married after Prue's 5th birthday).

They were / are very hippies.

He had a little business to match people and (maybe) invested a little money on online apps. They're middle class.

(Older) Ted Lupin

In his more wrecked verse.

(older) Hera Richardson

House of M Wanda

Older Wanda (for Ashley's FC) @thedevilsbckbone

Mama Maximoff (Magda)

Lu Yang

Short version: Does MMA for fun. Associate Lawyer at Ben Kenobi, Padme & Richard Anderson's firm. Poor and working class while growing up.

Long version under the cut ( @ofxinnocencewrites look, the asshole is back)

Lu is charismatic, a great pretender and smart as they get. He keeps his cards close to his chest and hits all the unspoken checks a fast-growing lawyer need to fill in to climb the corporate ladder. He plays tennis with the seniors, he trains regularly (MMA and swimming), he orders lunch from fancy spots, he's actually somewhat NICE to the assistants and uses his charm left and right.

He keeps details of his family separate from the firm. His desk has zero family pictures and is decorated to the latest trends, same as his loft. There are hints though that he's not (or was not) always dressed in high-fashion. He takes the subway to work 'not to pollute the environment further'; he keeps close tabs on the money he spends even though he shows off at times, he can relate to the underdogs in copy but never in front of the firm's owners. He's absolute perfection in front of them.

He was raised by his grandpa and his mom, working way too many shifts to keep food on the table. He wanted to drop out of high-school to help but neither of them would let him--he had to study and be someone--Lu knew they were wrong in depreciating themselves but he understood where all of it came from and he decided to play the game. He got good grades, he helped when he could and went to college getting a partial scholarship and then off to law school. He was swamped in debt but his record was pristine and he worked his way up, first clerking and then copying, then being a junior associate and eventually got his own office, fancy suits and the ability to pay off big portions of his debt.

He absolute adores his mother and grandfather and managed to get them a small home outside the city. When his grandfather got sick, one of the firm's assistants (Laura) got the call and is the only one that openly knows about his family history and won't tell anyone about it. Lu felt he needed to get leverage on her for potential blackmail but quickly realized there was no need for it and she eventually became his go-to assistant and editor, cementing their friendship.

#muse update #luci.#bio || luci #randy.#bio || randy #richard.#bio || richard #lu yang.#bio || lu yang

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patchwork-crow-writes · 1 year ago

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There's a lot of speculation about what the Chapter 3 secret boss will be based on, with people guessing things like something of Asriel's, such as the contents of his drawer you can look in, or the suspiciously-similar OC he designed on his computer, or even the TV Darkner itself.

But I don't really see anyone talk about something that jumped out at me almost from the beginning - Asgore's flowers that Toriel keeps throwing in the trashcan. And you might be all like "What? When did that happen? What even is that?" but hear me out a moment.

Long post under the read more!

So when in the Dreemurr's house at the beginning of each chapter, you can inspect the trashcan, and it'll mention that it's "emitting a pleasant floral scent". And you think nothing of that, because some people spray air freshener in their trashcans to stop them smelling bad. But by visiting Asgore at the end of Chapter 1, he'll give you Flowers, which you can give to Toriel, who mentions that she'll find somewhere "suitable" for them. Then in Chapter 2, inspecting the trashcan again reveals that the floral scent "has increased".

So this tells us that Asgore has been trying this for a while, and every time Toriel gets his flowers, they go straight into the trash. And I mean... yeah? They're divorced, seemingly in rather acrimonious circumstances, and while he'd quite like things to go back to how they were, she seems very much past it all. Seems like an understandable, if rather cold, response to unwanted advances from an ex.

So... what's the deal here exactly? Well, consider that darkners are beings born from objects in the light world that exist to serve some sort of purpose - namely, to serve lightners. And consider, also, that darkners are capable of becoming resentful should they become unable to serve this purpose and are abandoned - the prime example of this is King from Chapter 1. Finally, consider that all of the secret bosses up to this point have originated from items that are typically discarded - the Joker card for Jevil, a spam email for Spamton.

With me so far? Good, because it gets better.

Imagine a beautiful bouquet of flowers, painstakingly arranged with care, with the singular intention of winning back the love of somebody you wronged. Imagine that love and care suffused into the resulting darkner, eager to serve this purpose. Imagine they reach their intended target, how they might feel when they are met not with pleasure or gratitude, but weariness and scorn. Imagine the despair they must feel when they are thrown away, abandoned, never to fulfill their destiny, never to see the light ever again.

Now imagine this happening again. And again. And again. Day after day, week after week. Imagine the love of their creator turning to obsession as he tries anything and everything he can to win back his lost love. Imagine the increasing exasperation and disdain that his desperate efforts are met with time after time. Imagine being forced to absorb these incredibly intense and conflicting emotions as you are tossed upon a growing pile of your past selves, corpse upon corpse upon corpse, into a bottomless pit where life, love and optimism slowly putrefies into death, resentment and nihilism, where the only constant is that soon there will be more of your number to join you.

What kind of a darkner could possibly result from such a horrifying cocktail? And what would such a being do when ostensibly given a second chance by some... mysterious benefactor?

And that's even BEFORE you get into the whole Flowey parallels, with a plantlike being who becomes increasingly bitter and twisted as he loops through time again and again and again, and eventually becomes a monstrous godlike entity through the power of SOULS. A plantlike being that USED TO BE THE SON OF THAT GAME'S TORIEL AND ASGORE.

...if this doesn't convince you that those flowers are going to be Chapter 3's Secret Boss, then nothing will. And if they're NOT the Chapter 3 secret boss, my jimmies will be considerably ruffled. So there lol

#rambling #deltarune #theory #chapter 3 #secret bosses #Asgore #Toriel #flowey is mentioned

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lunapwrites · 2 years ago

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September Readings

So, the other day I did a whole ass Celtic Cross reading for September, instead of my usual 5 card pull. Just wanted to get a little extra context and direction. But also, I wanted to take some extra time with it this month and really, really sit with what it was showing me. And I think that was a good call.

For context, I started with more of a general question than I normally might have: what's our general outlook over the next 3-6 weeks? (I prefer to give CC readings a time frame so I can differentiate better between the future and outcome cards lol.) I then touched briefly on the main points I wanted to focus on: home renovation projects, writing, relationship stuff, etc.

It was... a lot of Swords. I don't normally get them a lot in readings, so when I do it tends to make me a little uneasy - especially cards like Ten. But contextually, I think the overall message here was actually rather positive (and gently scolding lol.)

So first... the cross...

Ace of Swords crossed by the Ten of Swords: we've got a lot going on right now! Lots of projects starting that really needed to be started, lots of stuff that's really engaging our brains - where are things going? How are we going to redesign our space? Will it work better? Will it work at all? It's taking a lot of planning and creativity to make happen. However, we've had a TON of setbacks and general negative bullshit happening to us throughout the process - issues with contractors, things breaking (or arriving pre-broken), shipments getting lost, a car accident, etc. It's all been getting to us a bit, and we've been kinda wallowing in our own misfortune to varying degrees, which isn't really great for keeping your brain engaged on the things you're working on. What this combination is asking us to do is quit stumbling through the streets, wailing and rending our clothes because One More Bad Thing happened, and to just get on with it - even if it sucks.

Queen of Wands in the Subconscious position: this loops back to the context of our Ace of Swords above, as this position kind of sets the foundation of the querent's mindset and position in the situation. In this context, she speaks to focused energies. We are committed to our path, and we're going to put everything we have into getting what we want. No flakiness to be found here - which considering this is an ADHD house, is amazing to hear lol.

Two of Cups in the Recent Past position: this particular card really is what cemented the idea that this reading is aimed at both of us for once lol. This card is usually a symbol of romantic love (especially new), but it can also represent partnership. Everything we're doing now is the result of joint decisions, and mutual support and effort. No one is in this alone. So despite all the bullshit, we've got each other to lean on, and that's huge. (This plus the Queen signal that we're working off a very strong foundation, and that we've at least started off in the right direction.)

King of Swords in the Crown position: so this is basically like... the aspirational self. And in the past, I might have seen this card and handwaved it away as only representing my partner (who does frequently show up as the Kings in my readings, FWIW) but it does go a little deeper than that this time. This card represents logic and intellect above all else. In short, the need to make firm, well-researched decisions before moving forward. In other words, right now we're trying to do a ton of reading and measuring and comparisons before we move forward with anything. That seems like it's been serving us well so far.

2 of Swords in the Self position: okay so this is where my deck starts calling me out for filth, because this card has to do with choices, or rather: indecision. This is something that I struggle with a ton in general, but also particularly with a lot of these changes we have going on. I get so hung up on what ifs and on others opinions that I freeze up and wait for someone else (namely my partner) to pick. That's not really cool, and it's definitely a source of some tension right now (I'm not the only one in the house suffering from executive dysfunction and decision fatigue.) I'm reading this as asking me to basically just shut up and pick one, and if it's the wrong choice, deal with it then, because...

7 of Pentacles in the Future position: I have been getting this card a LOT lately, which makes sense given the projects we're working on and the goals we're working towards - even with my writing. Progress is SLOW but it is STEADY and we are laying the groundwork for success. As long as we keep at it, we will succeed. But more importantly for our dopamine-chasing lizard brains: while the fruits of our labors are not going to be immediately evident, we're going to see some results soon. OR, worst case scenario, the proper foundations will have been laid.

Now for the staff.

8 of Swords in the Environment position: the whole point of this card is about feeling stuck, but not actually being stuck. All I have to do is try and I can most likely solve a lot of my problems myself. But anyway this one goes hand in hand with the Two, supporting the idea that I need to just do it. Adjustments can be made later, but you can't adjust nothing.

Eight of Pentacles in the Hopes and Fears position: this is a very encouraging card overall. It represents slow but steady progress, hard work, and building towards success. We're most likely on the right track, and we should keep up the good work. :)

Ten of Cups in the Outcome position: this is hands down one of the best cards to get in this position. Tens typically symbolize a sense of completeness, whether it's the end of a cycle or the achievement of a goal - and the Ten of Cups is no different. It's the happy family card. Lots of joy and contentment here (and honestly if the way I felt after I reorganized the pantry I now have was any indication, then this tracks lol.) Also, the timeline lines up with our family vacation, so... there's that lmao.

So what does this all mean in the context of the month? Basically, that it's gonna get off to a rough start, but gradually get better - so long as we actively work to make it so, and don't let ourselves wallow in the bad. Fair enough!

As for the runes and Oracle cards...

Kenaz: light, creative fire. For once, not showing up reversed lol. Might be that the brain gremlins are looking to behave!

Ansuz, reversed: communication, or rather a lack thereof in this context. There's going to be some breakdowns.

Berkana: new beginnings, growth. Lots of stuff getting set up now that mean we can actually put plans into action this month, so here's hoping!

Death: despite the name, this is similar to the tarot card in that it is more about change and transformations - consider the moth! As well as the moon (cycles.) Things are ending and beginning.

Protect: this one I'm admittedly a bit fuzzy on, but worth noting that it includes the planetary symbol for Earth. Could also include the sun, but tbh I'm getting more holy mother and child here. Gotta think about how that one fits in.

Anyway, that's September's reading (posted several days late lol.) Let me know in the comments if you've got any different reads on this than I do. :)

#lp tarot #lp runes #lp talks #monthly reading #i think I'm going to move to a monthly format #bc I'm not consistent with daily lol #anyway here's wonderwall

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forensicated · 1 year ago

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01x08 - Rough In The Afternoon

Yorkie is dealing with a woman who's purse was stolen whilst Dve tries to help a man reporting his car had been towed away after the clutch died. There are lots of voices competing and at the same time Bob is struggling to hear a telephone call where a woman, Ethel, is reporting an argument between her neighbours. The wife of the couple, Joyce, has an injunction against the husband, Alan because of his violence towards her.. Taffy and JimJim are asked to attend with Taffy moaning profusely. He urges Jim to walk slowly and not hurry because they'll hopefully have burnt each other out by the time they arrive. "All domestics are a waste of time!" he insists. When Taffy and Jim arrive, the property's front door is open and there's no answer at the Ferne's. Ethel meets them and explains that Joyce has run out after her husband Alan who has abducted their two-year-old son after learning about the injunction. At the same time, Joyce arrives at Sun Hill and explains what has happened. June doesn't think she can help because it's a civil matter. Bob backs this up too as Matthew is Alan's son too. They can't add him to the missing person lists as he's with his father who is allowed contact so isn't actually missing.

Roy has his lunch interrupted by Bob talking to him about a man who collects a particular artist's work worth about £500 each. They're quite rare so his friends in the know contact him when new ones come up. One such friend has forwarded him a catalogue of a sale in Sun Hill which lists pictures by this artist. It just so happens they're the collector's pictures and they're still on his wall and he doesn't intend to sell them. Roy promises to get Ted on it and then passes it back to Fraud when he starts to deal with the Ferne's.

The next day, Bob and Roy update Charles on the domestic. Sun Hill did not have a copy of the injunction and knew nothing about it until Joyce arrived at the station. There isn't an exclusion stopping Alan from having access to Matthew, it was simply to stop him from assaulting Joyce. Joyce's father applied overnight for Matthew to become a Ward Of Court without telling her. June reports Alan is known to the probation service as being violent and that he becomes worse when under pressure. The general concern is Matthew is in danger because of it. Social Services have asked to be kept in the loop but Roy snarks that they'll only be around to clear up if the shit hits the fan. Charles places June to lead the case and help Joyce and Roy and Bob will be tasked with arresting Alan when they find him. There's no known history of Alan assaulting Matthew yet but June wouldn't be surprised if it isn't on the cards from Alan's record.

At the house, Ethel comforts Joyce as she sobs and reassures her that she's a good mother and a good wife and it's all Alan's fault. She's horrified at the lack of action from the police so far. Roy arranges for Ted and Mike to make inquiries and ignores Charles's order to let June handle the case because he wants to get the father before they end up on the wrong end of an inquiry.

Unfortunately, Roy can't get involved in searching yet as he has to sort out an error that happened on the front desk the day before. A man spoke to an officer - Dave - about "his" car that had been towed to a police pound. The car in question didn't belong to him but Dave bought the con and sent him over to the pound. Roy confronts Dave who admits he didn't ask for identification because the man had all the information required. Roy tells him that the man lied about who he was, and then told the pound staff he urgently required the contents of the boot for a meeting (2 computers, monitors, a printer, and an electric typewriter) and would return to deal with the car later. The contents belong to a solicitor and the car is registered to a man in Manchester who is not called by the name the con artist gave, nor did he know that the car was in London. Roy claims Dave should have had a sixth sense about it He also tells him that he'd approved his move to CID - but he's since let him down. Bob takes Roy aside and tells him that Dave did everything by the book and that he did in fact seem to be legit and did not arouse any suspicion in him either.

June arrives at Joyce's house and reassures her the police are taking her seriously and they're aware of the violent history. Joyce has tried to speak to her parents but there's no one answering at home and her father isn't in the office according to his secretary. June explains that her son has become a ward of court which means that ports and airports are now blocked and he can't be taken out of the country but the actual hearing itself can take a long while to happen. Joyce explains that her father never discussed the court application he just went ahead and did it. Her parents do not like Alan because he isn't Jewish. She calls him her bit of rough and explains she rebelled against her parents to see him as he was 'different back then'. Her mother wouldn't have him in the house and so they pushed to get married so they could live together. Things got worse when he tried to prove her parents wrong and struggled with the pressure. She's never met the parents of her husband as they didn't approve of her. Joyce tells June that Alan has been violent towards Matthew in the past and breaks down into tears.

Ethel tells June that Alan will likely be with his parents and calls her a condescending bitch for not jumping straight on it and charging over there at her word. Ted and Mike are already at their house and they're not helpful, claiming they haven't heard from Alan and don't want to hear from him either, closing the door in their faces.

June goes to the Estate Agents that is owned by Joyce's father. He takes her into his office and asks how she's involved in the case as he had been told previously that police stay out of domestic matters. June tells him that the Ward Of Court order complicates it. He claims that she doesn't need to be involved as 'the boy is now in the control of the court, not his parents' and that means there's less reason for her to be involved. June points out that whoever has custody has control of Matthew and given his basis for the application was his son-in-law's violent past, it means that Matthew could be in danger and so they need to find him and soon. Alan's parents haven't seen him, Joyce's father hasn't seen him and he's unemployed but hasn't signed on so they don't have a record of another address. June asks why he didn't tell Joyce about the court order. He refuses to answer why he didn't tell her or why he won't answer the phone to her, instead telling his secretary to tell Joyce he wasn't there.

Yorkie tells Dave that the man who tried to get into the car didn't actually get away with the belongings in the boot because the pound didn't believe he was the owner and refused him access until he brought identification in. He never returned to the pound afterward. Galloway only assumed that he'd gotten hold of the electronics.

Joyce's father insists that as an Orthodox Jew, his daughter disobeyed him by marrying Alan. He is insistent that, despite what Alan claims, Matthew is a Jew because his mother was before she gave up the faith. He claims if he hadn't intervened then she could have agreed to anything and that his daughter is easily manipulated and probably let Alan take the boy and now regrets it hence lying that Alan took him. He wants to save his daughter from herself and give his grandson the upbringing he's been denied as a strict Jew. June updates Bob with this information and Bob denounces religion as the cause of a lot of problems. June agrees, telling him her father was Catholic and he and her mother would have blazing rows.

Back at Ferne's parent, two neighbours are watching and wondering if they should get their husbands to intervene because of all the shouting coming from the flat. They decide to leave them to it until there's the sound of breaking glass when they call the police. Dave and Yorkie speak to a neighbour who explains the wife left the flat with the kid and locked 'them' in. Yorkie asks who 'them' is - it's Mr Ferne and 'some bloke'. Dave spots a blue motor that's X reg - the neighbour tells him it belongs to Harry - Alan Ferne's father.

Yorkie and Dave follow the neighbour into his flat and find Mrs Ferne and her grandson. Alan had brought him over saying he'd had enough of him and wanted to leave him with them. The fight started because Mr Ferne wouldn't let him leave without the boy and so she left with Matthew. She admits Alan had been there three days and had hidden in the toilet when CID had called earlier.

They report it back to the station (call sign Uniform Oscar). Bob tells them to wait for backup. June updates the court and social services and finally contacts Ethel to update Joyce. Roy takes Suzanne Ford with him (her first appearance as an extra) and hurries to the scene.

Alan is kicking off to try and get out the flat but Dave doesn't unlock the door until backup arrive. He assaults the uniform officers and runs into Roy who struggles with him until Alan falls down the stairs which enables them to cuff him. "Look what he's done!" he protests, his cigars having gotten bent in the struggle. Outside, Ferne's mother claims she's had enough of both her son and husband.

Reunited with her son, Joyce thanks Roy for helping get him back.

Bob catches up with Roy and tells him he missed out on a nice little collar with the painting/auction case he insisted on passing to the Fraud squad as it was part of a large ring. He also says the car pound have been on to report that the man who tried to fake that he was the owner of a car returned at 4am and stole all the electronics from the boot and then stole the car next to it to drive it all away (!)

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cavewretch · 1 year ago

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a meditation on my past three or so identity crises and vampire weekend's new album

i have been listening to vampire weekend for roughly 15 years (i am 25). i am third-generation croatian great famine irish co-opting italian americanness by way of childhood experience and ex roman catholicism. born and raised in jersey. elementary school bullies were generationally wealthy irish or italian kids. family trees of traitors, all of us. i was briefly obsessed with finding some sort of ancestral connection but i think whenever that impulse happens for white usamericans it’s misplaced. surely there’s goodness here! surely there’s shared struggle! surely one of you was a communist! but now i’m over it. whatever they’re dead i’m alive i’ll do it. my mother has dubbed me the family catalyst. the thing about being a catalyst is you have to set yourself on fire and burn away to fuel everyone else's fire.

my first encounter with vampire weekend was in 2007? 2008? (whenever they released their first self titled album). starbucks used to do this free song pick of week thing where they’d give you a card with your coffee order that let you download a song from itunes for free, and my dad got them sometimes on his way to work. we got cape cod kwassa kwassa that way, and i found it in the family library and put it on my little purple ipod shuffle.

modern vampires of the city was released in 2013, and the first vampire weekend album i actually consciously sunk my teeth into the content of (lyrics, musicality, visuals). i think i got to it a year late, i wasn’t plugged into music release social media campaigns back then. i was 15 or 16. in 2014 i read the communist manifesto for the first time and told my teacher it sounded pretty good, and she told me it only worked on paper. i read it for a european history class which required i shove 700 years of history into my brain for an exam i then proceeded to fail. i'm “bad” at school but i built invaluable critical thinking and analysis skills from that class. and a disgust with enlightenment era philosophers. that part wasn't on my teachers list i don't think. that class had 9 people total in it, 2 of which were transfer students (and also my friends) from europe (one from belgium, one from albania). in that class i learned i was supposed to have feelings about serbia, bc of my very croatian last name, but i didn't. my family doesn't talk to each other like that, about real things. my reaction to finding out there were divisive wars in living memory involving part of my identity was to try and learn about yugoslavia on my own, not knowing that anything i got my hands on was filtered through lenses of anti communism and red scare sentiment. the yugoslav wars happened after my nono (grandfather) left, and ended when i was very very young. according to my mother though, he always had something to blame on the serbs. then it was jews. then the government. then hospitals. then my nona (grandmother). then my mother. now my dad.

/you talk of serbians, whisper kosovar albanians/ /the boy’s romanian, third generation transylvanian/ /i see vampires walkin, don't be gripped by fear, you aren’t next/ /we’re all the sons and daughters of vampires who drained the old world’s necks/

in 2014 i went to croatia for the first (and probably last, given my finances) time and met my extended family there. on that trip i looped modern vampires of the city every day, both because i love that album and because i did not have internet access or cell service. two weeks on a farm on an island off the coast of croatia, with only my family. a teenager’s dream! i did really enjoy it though. i found it grounding to be living amongst memories of centuries before me. both architecturally, the buildings are older there than the united states (government) itself, but also in my ancestors' memories. i stayed in the house my nono grew up in, and the house that’s been in my family name for centuries. the house was built before the empire rose and still stands there today despite its inhabitants dead or emigrated. the us empire rose on the bones and blood of multiple civilizations, specifically and purposefully wiping them out and creating that cognitive dissonance i was facing for the first time as a teenager.

/in times of war the educated class knew what to do/ /the temple’s gone but still a single column stands today/ /that sinking feeling fades but never really goes away/ /a staircase up to nothingness inside your dna/ /well thats a bleak sunrise/

/i know what lies beneath manhattan/ /i know who's buried in grants tomb/

age 16, for anyone i think, is the peak of arguing with your parents. age 16 is the culmination of anger about not having agency over your own life . 16 is crying and screaming and fighting your patriarchal family, thinking if you can just explain things right you can undo generations of behavioral patterns and beliefs. 16 is for fighting your father and reading queer lit on the family shared kindle account. and diane young, evidently.

in 2018 and 2019 i spent my summers in my professor’s studios (one in queens, the other in brooklyn) working for unpaid college credit as a studio assistant. i lost my wallet in brooklyn. i spent hours in the new york public library archives sifting through images of the city during the 70s and 80s for research. i took greyhound buses from south jersey/south philly to penn station. i ate lunch in battery park in the rain, cried in bathroom stalls, and scrambled around mta carrying too much shit.

/used to have a job at penn station/ (cue what sounds like the shrieking noise of a train coming in, what commuters blink at and tourists recoil from)

in 2019 father of the bride came out, about a month before i became chronically ill/disabled. i was supposed to see that tour. at the beginning of 2020, my final semester of college, i went on medical leave and moved back in with my parents (something i vowed to never do and something my therapist at the time strongly suggested i never do. life goes on.)

2024. only god was above us. i will turn 26 in a couple months. this year my childhood dog died. i read state and revolution (lenin). i organized phone calls with my grandfather to learn about his life in croatia (and distract him from recovery from back surgery) (and give my grandmother a break). everyone’s forgotten about covid or actively doesn’t care. but everyone keeps getting sick isn’t that so strange. the weather is a trapeze artist but your average conversation regards it as strange this year, and nothing deeper. my grandfather disowned my father in a bout of rage last month. i keep collecting comorbidities like painful trinkets. my mother emailed me a list of things to write a book about, which reads more like questions she’s been meaning to ask me about my life. i have no interest in cracking open my ribcage so blatantly in something longer than an essay or blog post. i will pour myself into art and fiction and you can take what meanings and interpretations from it as you will. one of my favorite things about creating art is what people find in it afterward. this thing that was an expression, a release for me, has hidden meanings and images to other people that i will never predict and that’s absolutely thrilling to me. sometimes people ask me what things are in my drawings and i ask them what they think it is and it frustrates them to no avail. my mom found a jaguar in this drawing and i cheered but refused to confirm or deny. (after that i called the piece jungle, but it certainly never started that way. i’m not even sure if jaguar is the right cat. the spotted one? but not a cheetah.)

i journey into only god was above us carrying the weight of cycles and behaviors, patriarchal abuse, research on the balkans, lenin on the brain, thinking about covid and palestine and sudan and every other nation the country i live in steps on the neck of and who’s blood has benefitted me in some way. my own madness, my sickness, my rage. ill mad and angry. genetic health conditions, family curses. writing a sci-fi something. thinking about the deep sea internet cables and growing up on the internet.

/the oceans churning, the cables stay in place/

coming from generations of mechanics and farmers and restaurant staff. stuck alone with my parents in the woods of south jersey. missing commute times and the clogged holland tunnel. dealing with multiple chronic conditions that render me at the mercy of corrupt broken state institutions, jumping through administrative hurdles to get care. facing eugenic and bioessentialist thought in every person i meet. wishing i could live elsewhere but knowing that’s precisely what my ancestors did that got me here in the first place. and wouldn’t that be shoving myself up the ladder in some way, stepping on whoever lives wherever i would want to go. continuing the line of betrayal. i’m tired of the us empire’s tendrils poisoning the globe and i want it to fall apart desperately but i also know that as it does my health will get worse without medications and i will be useless to any movement and no movement would have me . my brain creatures whisper i am a parasite and social norms reaffirm the whispers at every turn. the ascetic creature in my brain who sits in her wading pool and passes judgement on the rest of me (and herself) while seeking absolution for everything i cannot change refuses to allow the water to flow and instead needs it to fit in her palms. what was i talking about? vampire weekend.

/your consciousness is not my problem/ /and i hope you know your brain’s not bulletproof/ (over what sounds to me like the din of squealing subway tunnels)

i have a notes app entry that’s just notes i took while listening to the album. i’ve interspersed some things in here, but here are some special mentions i can’t weave into my words, and then a whole frantic paragraph about the final song on the album because there’s a lot to talk about. time stamps included if you’re listening along at home.

capricorn: i love the discordant WEE WAW WEE WAW that dominates and sweeps through the song’s entire sound after the second verse. also /sifting thru centuries for moments of your own/ really resonated with me.

connect: lyrically this was really fun for me as someone who’s got a whole soap box notes app entry document on growing up online and the current online cultural landscape. /now is it strange i cant connect? it isn’t strange but i could check . walked around to where we kept the box of wires, and lately/ . also super thrilled about the deep sea internet cable mention in this song. and then something about the instrumental break at 3:22 reminds me of times square retail stores at christmas time. i can’t explain it.

prep school gangsters: the emphasis and repeating of /its just something people say/ at the end makes me feel like this is not actually something people say, maybe people really do feel that way .

the surfer: starts out like old school cool guy bopping down a city street, but then the second piano (a second piano has hit the-) kicks in (1:11) and suddenly it’s offputting and dreary. the extreme weather alert like siren after verse 1. /california king placed directly on the floor/ the selective luxury we all partake in as capitalism spins out around us. the line /fake fortune teller scandalized by fate/ made me think of astrology and personality quizzes and pathologization taking over the social consciousness. the stunning horns at 3:32 that make me sweep my arms around every time i hear them, the climax of a movie, the height of the wave. 3:44 the wave breaks, and we coast with just a twang of surfer rock guitar. the radio static glitchiness because we are not surfing. we are not coasting. it is falling apart, we are wiping out. we’re headed back towards the beach at the end but the stunning horns return, muted a bit as a reminder of the adrenaline at the height of the wave.

the chorus in gen x cops, /each generation makes its own apology/ half of me reads it as healing and the other half reads it as the old person's refrain of not knowing any better. a half hearted apology from a parent, a “sorry you took it that way.”

mary boone is funny because i /came in from jersey/ and did internships /the one from queens not from brooklyn/ . i also really love /im on the dark side of your room/ because it makes me imagine the young struggling artist as the rich art critic/dealer/tax evader’s sleep paralysis demon.

pravda: this one and the surfer are my favorite songs. verse 1 makes me think of when lenin was exiled for his revolutionary writings. sorry . and then something about /leaving at the rising of the moon/ and how revolutionary battles are named in history (bloody sunday for the russian revolution for example.) /your consciousness is not my problem/ thinking about your awareness of the world around you, your political consciousness, and also whether i knock you out or not. also after the lyrics mention hanging the family balalaika by the piano a little piano tinkles in and it’s fantastic. and with mentioning penn station the train squeals to arrive. to me. <3

the final song is an 8 minute long track called hope and it's so haunting and sardonic and mildly threatening i’m obsessed with it. i was nervous hearing it out of the context of the album at first because i was like god please don't be a liberal nihilism song. but i think in the context of the rest of the album, and paying attention to the words and production, the “i hope you let it go” is like . i hope you let it die. i hope you let it end. i hope you let the insincere prophecy go and move on . the call keeps coming from inside , i hope you let it go (i hope you let it ring). your enemy’s invincible, i hope you let it go Could be (and Is, by genius song annotators who i have never agreed with on a single vampire weekend song) read as the enemy is too strong, give up. but i think of it as like. let it run itself in circles, it will destroy itself. the whole verse for emphasis:

/the prophet said we’d disappear /the prophets gone but we’re still here/ /his prophecy was insincere/ /i hope you let it go/ /the righteous rage was foolish pride/ /the conquerors did not divide /the calls keep coming from inside/ /i hope you let it go/

when it's all over, files declassified. your bag fell on the subway tracks, i hope you let it go and leave it there. embassy abandoned, flag on the ground, painting burned, statue drowned, killer freed, court adjourned. hope betrayed, lesson learned. the instrumental break feels galvanizing. angry. i turn my chin down into a kubrick stare as those horns build and drone on through the rest of the song. the last minute/outro of the song is angry, the pictures getting distorted, the piano/guitar still drone on but a subway passes by, horn blaring, massive distortive ruckus, and then it fades. and the album is over! and you sit .

thank you for reading :) there are things i couldn’t fit in this, can you believe it? even after i did the little list coda! but those will stay in my brain’s constant conversation with itself. the creatures chatter with me as we share a drink. this by no means was an album review. maybe it could be considered a love letter but i am not particularly interested in the band’s True Intention. what you take out of art is a credit to you as much as it is to the artist i think. i don’t want to have confirmation on what art is about. do not tell me the true meaning, let me discover my own. i give what i give receive what i receive . peace n love <3

highly recommend their music videos for this album btw, they use archival footage (and images) by steven siegel and it's cool stuff

youtube

#i listened to the whole album at least 5 times while writing this #this is like. SO personal but . im gonna post it anyway #wretched text #thirdgenyugo

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loudestcloud · 1 year ago

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💥 Fandom battle jacket tour 💥

👇🏻Explanations and details👇🏻 please forgive spelling mistakes, it's midnight n I'm tired n need to be up at 6 tomorrow

The back is a custom t shirt I ordered of official Pokémon card art of my top favourite Pokémon. Doduo, Sandile, Aipom, Sandshrew, Heracross and Pichu but specifically THE brothers. My Doduo are always called Finn-lee and my Sandile is Harrison Wells.

The blue numbers side is full of things that I can talk about for days on end / talk about a lot on here, more of a super fan side. 1: Official button of Yuu Kamda from D.gray man. 2: Thousand sunny from One piece pin brought at an irl shop. 3: Pride pin brought at my first pride years ago. 4: Official Tumblr pin I brought when looking at the store while getting my free One piece stickers. 5: A light house pin I brought at a museum, this one represents my favourite game To the moon although I am a huge fan of the museum I got it from. 6: The love of my life A bootleg Sanji from One piece pin I brought from AliExpress because I wanted to see how bad they are to talk about the differences honestly. 7: Franky from One piece pin, also from the AliExpress test. 8: Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist doing the rosie riveter pose?, idk why maybe it's like 'disabled ppl can do it too'?, I got him in a give away from The Fullmetal. I misplaced my Bakugo pin but he'll be on that side alongside my huge funko pop Kirishima, I may update this as it goes along.

The red side is more of a chill vibes side, I love the content, they did change my life a lot but like, I couldn't tell you much about the actual fandom and the inside jokes or whatever. 1: This is the exception to the rule, Lenalee Lee from D.gray man badge. She's on this side because I am new to the fandom but also I have made edits for Kanda and she's only partly on one edit not about her. 2: This is not a fandom, this is an anti diet culture pin that says 'Donuts forever, Diets never', I got it from Candy Doll Club along with the same pin but in brown for my Katakuri jacket. I am very anti diet culture, even more so now that I have been on one and GAINED ON IT?? anyway. 3: Stranger things Hawkins High badge I bought in 2017 at an irl shop & 4: Stranger things Eleven Eggo pin brought for me as a gift from a family member I no longer speak to. 5: Official Tom Nook from Animal crossing pin! It came with my siblings pre order of New Horizons & I love and care for him still to this day like he is a medal. 6: Anxious the Elephant from the Haven Holidays mascot team. Like I said yall, I was a Holiday park kid and I stan my girl. 7: A Slush puppy pin from Candy Doll Club, on this jacket to represent Heathers the musical. I do like the movie but the musical was my everything as a young teen. 8: The danger days spider from My Chemical Romance. Bro is my favourite album, has been since a young child but I cannot tell you the law around it.

Lastly we have a Fairy tail necklace charm on a keyring loop, specifically Gray's guild mark, this pocket is on the 'blue' side. A clown a friend got me for Christmas because I love silly little guys, on the red side because he isn't anyone, he's just fun. Ace from One piece, blue side obviously and lastly this hidden Big foot, temporarily representing The Adventure zone: amnesty because I do own the patch and that will be going under the gap, i think I'll probably move Big foot over to the red side when that happens cos i know jack shit about actual cryptids.

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artmann100 · 2 years ago

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Fundraiser Update (Thursday, 3 pm)

Hi again, Brad here; Jess and I thought it would be a good idea to keep all of you in the loop.

We have an almost definite Homecoming day of September 7th; just four days shy of Jess’ 41st birthday! I visited her yesterday and attended as she did Physical Therapy.

While the exertion still tires her out brutally, she was able to walk with minimal assistance a distance that would translate to about 2/3 of the length of our house. Even more importantly, she was able do to the stairs exercise, and while even just last Wednesday, she could only handle two stairs, yesterday she handled all four. What makes this so relevant is that it means she will be able (still with effort) to handle the stairs into our house!

And on the fundraising front: We have raised well over $4400 of out $10,000 goal in only a week and neither of us have the words to express our thanks adequately. However, the past year has left us still deeply in debt.

We have used the funds thus far to pay a month’s rent in advance, so that we do not have to worry about that until October. Similarly, we have paid down to a reasonable level three of our credit cards and a bill from the IRS. We have not, sad to say, raised the funds yet to pay off the loan that that mystery man has been floating us. Nor have we yet raised enough to pay off the credit cards and IRS. The funds so far have helped immensely, but my ideal would be to have all those bills paid off or down to amounts that would generate a “Meh” response.

You may all rest assured, none of the money donated is being spent frivolously. We both feel it is our responsibility to use every penny we receive wisely.

Except on those Happy Meals. Goshdarnit, they sometimes come with the coolest toys! And a juice box. Gotta have the juice box…

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mercy-burning · 4 years ago

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Your Favorite — Part 1

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: When Y/N comes home from college for the summer to meet her mom's new boyfriend, she finds herself in a rather tough spot when she can’t stop thinking about him— And it seems he feels the same... Category: SMUT (18+) Content: Adults w/ age gap, masturbation (female and male), minor exhibitionism kink, oral sex (male receiving), penetrative sex, breeding kink (kinda? i think? 😅) Word Count: 7.3k (do you see now why I had to make it a miniseries? alsdjfdk)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | MASTERLIST

DISCLAIMER: In this story, Spencer is dating Y/N’s mom while also having a sexual relationship with the reader herself. Because of that, there are obvious undertones of cheating, alongside some perv-y tendencies when it comes to a partner’s daughter. That being said, Spencer and Y/N’s relationship is consensual. However— If any of what I just forewarned is something that you think will make you uncomfortable while reading, please do not read! If there are any more disclaimers you think I may have missed, don’t hesitate to tell me! There is another post I made HERE with some disclaimers as well if you want to know more about what this story will entail.

NOTE: This intro is already too long, so I’ll just get this out of the way: you can find visual nsfw inspirations for this story over at @mercy-midnight, I’m working on a playlist for this story on my Spotify @/mercyburning, and I don’t know when part 2 and 3 will be out, but you can assume they’ll be here within the next few weeks.

———

JUNE 5th

I hate my mom's new boyfriend.

For the past three months she'd been telling me about this new guy who's "The One" as if "The One" hasn't been like four other guys in the past two years.

And as much as I'd love for my mom to find someone to spend the rest of her life with, I don't believe she'd ever find Mr. Perfect at this rate. Unless she spent more than a few months with them at a time before dragging me home from college for a weekend to meet them, I really don't see it happening.

It just sucks. Because every time she does this, every time I return home, I see the glimmering hope in her eyes and the diminishing spark in his, and I know. I know it won't last, and her heart will be utterly broken within the span of a few months.

I always thought maybe she just had terrible taste in men.

But this time around, when I begrudgingly walk through the door of my childhood home for the summer and see my mother clinging to a man who returns that glimmer in her eyes, I know she's picked a good one.

And I hate him.

His name is Spencer Reid, and he's a retired FBI agent who teaches full time at local colleges now.

He greets me with a bona fide, radiant smile, unlike all the others before, and it sets my insides on fire. And when we sit down for dinner, he's polite (but not in a fake way,) and he seems genuinely curious about my studies and my personality and my relationship with my mother. And when dinner is finished he offers to clean up while Mom and I settle in the living room.

I see the way he looks at me as I leave, a gentle, closed-mouth smile and eyes that linger a little too long on my exposed legs before averting, a glint of shame pooling within them, and it only spreads that fire in my belly.

Maybe I'd been imagining the whole thing, because deep down I wanted him to look at me the way he had... But it's hard to tell when my brain is mostly setting off sirens, blaring "THIS IS WRONG! THIS IS WRONG!" on a loop with blinding lights.

And they're even louder when my mom wraps her arm around me and lays her head atop mine. "Well, what do you think? He's great, huh?"

She's so lovesick, it hurts. It hurts even worse knowing that all I can think about is his big hands wrapped around my throat while he fucks me into the squeaky twin-sized mattress in my bedroom upstairs.

But I can't tell her that, obviously.

And so I decidedly hate him. And I have no choice but lie to her face, embracing her joy and hoping that I'll be able to survive this summer.

"Yeah, Mom. He's really great."

JUNE 19th

It's been two weeks and I can barely stand to be in the same house anymore.

I try to keep myself busy by going outside, to the beach or for long walks in the park; but it's too hot for my liking, and our town is so small that unless I want to spend my time in the grocery store or one of the three bars on Main Street...

I'm stuck either outside where it's hot and uncomfortable, or in the house where it's also hot and uncomfortable.

We have air conditioning, of course, but that's not the problem.

It's Spencer.

I thought by now my little crush on him would have gone, but the longer he hangs around the house, the stronger my feelings for him grow. They're not romantic—nor do I think they ever could be given the fact that if anything serious really were to ever happen between us, my mom would disown me for the rest of my life and murder Spencer with her bare hands—but that doesn't make it any easier on me.

Every day he just exists, right in front of me with that tug-able mop of hair, those warm honey eyes, and his hands that never stop moving. I swear, it's like every time he breathes, his hands are breathing too, challenging me to try and stop them.

But I refuse to touch him. Because I know the moment I do, all will be lost. I won't be able to control myself anymore. And if I don't drop to my knees and try sucking his dick at the dinner table, I'm sure I'll blurt out how I can't handle it anymore and that I need him, and either way I'd be royally fucked.

Right now he's in the dining room, teaching my mom how to do a disappearing card trick. She thinks it's utterly charming that he can do it at all, but mostly that he's patient and willing enough to teach her. And normally I'd agree, but I can barely look at them without wanting to waltz over, grab his wrist, and suck his fingers into my mouth.

It's truly pathetic.

So I try to focus on the television just a few feet away. It's one of those rare instances where I wish our house was bigger, because while I don't mind having less wall-space between rooms, I do mind not being able to watch TV without the kitchen table in my periphery at a time like this. And I think about going up to my bedroom instead for a moment, but I'd have to go past the kitchen, and I just know Mom is going to ask if I'd want Spencer to teach me his magic trick.

And I most definitely do not want that.

In another life, maybe, where he isn't a hot professor and rather an average-looking dude who's way too into fantasy football... But not in this lifetime.

So there I sit, concentrating so hard on Family Feud that my face hurts.

When I hear a flutter of cards and joyous giggling from the other room, it's more than my face that hurts.

It's also my chest, churning and tensing at the hands of the green devil.

Fuck!

I barely even know this man... I haven't really talked to him because I'm afraid that if I try to hold a conversation I'll snap. He's literally just some hot older guy who's dating my mom, and still, my whole body twists and aches with envy when they do anything together, and it fucking sucks. Not only because of the jealousy, but it's also the fact that my mom deserves to be happy.

This time it's different. This time, she's really found someone who returns her every loving gaze, who makes her laugh, who's kind and genuine and not a total douche. She's happier than I've seen her in years.

And the one time she finally finds "The One", every waking second of my life is spent longing for him fuck me.

But it's only been two weeks.

And it's also been nearly two years since I got laid, so maybe that's just my issue...

I figure it can't hurt, so in a spur of the moment decision, I turn the TV off and sprint towards the stairs, right past Mom and Spencer before they can ask questions.

———

I hardly even register the dimness of the light inside the house by the time I glide up the steps, fumbling with the key and trying to make my entrance as quiet as possible. Though, because I'm so used to the dark by this point, the light—no matter how dim—nearly blinds me. The door shuts louder than I'd have liked, and I cringe inwardly, pausing as if that will keep anyone from seeing or hearing me. Not like it'll matter, considering Mom and Spencer are the only ones that are staying here and they'd also been the only ones aware of my plans for the evening.

Well, somewhat, anyway. I told them an old friend invited me out and I probably wouldn't be home until late.

Regardless, that instinct of trying not to get caught coming in late at night is stronger than common sense. Throw a little cheap beer and some shots into the mix, and it almost feels like I'm a teenager again.

The only thing different now is that I have a pool of some stranger's cum soaking my underwear and a man in front of me who stands like an angel. An exhausted, almost scruffy-looking angel more like, but my point still stands.

"You're up late," Spencer observes. It's a simple enough statement— not really judge-y, but I can tell that regardless of his knowledge of my coming home late, he seems shocked to see me coming through the front door right now.

And it's hard to look away from him. Just like it has been for the past two weeks. Still, I try, just barely avoiding his eyes as I cross my arms and fight the urge to clench my legs together. "I'm a whore. What's your excuse?"

Maybe not the best thing to say. But like I said, common sense? Gone.

"O—oh... Umm..." Spencer stumbles through his words, obviously stunned by my response, and the look in his eyes kind of makes me want to curl up in a ball and die from embarrassment. Still, I stand my ground and wait for him to continue.

He settles on a short, "I can't sleep," and then there's nothing else.

"Ah," I express. One syllable. I don't draw it out, I don't exaggerate it... This is the first real conversation I've had alone with him, and I've made it extremely awkward, so I sigh and take a few steps forward, trying to walk past him. "Okay. Goodnight."

I only make it a few steps before he stops me, his hand reaching out to tap my shoulder. "Wait—"

The touch makes me jump, and he pulls it away immediately as I turn to face him. My heart is racing at the speed of light, my panties are soaked through, and if I'm not careful that whole 'no common sense' thing is going to bite me so hard in the ass I won't have one left.

"Can I talk to you?" His voice is barely audible, and the gentle rasp it has to it seems to make me even more wet.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

"Look, I um... Your mom has been totally transparent with me about her relationships, so I know that she's been through a lot of them in a short amount of time... And I know that must be a little difficult for you. Especially now that I'm here... And you've been... distant. And I know that I don't know you that well, so forgive me if I'm assuming anything, but I just want you to know that I don't have any intention of making things difficult for you and your mother."

Too late, pal, I think bitterly, the gentle authority in his tone setting my insides alight. I'm positive that voice could get me to do so many things...

That's the alcohol and sex talking, Y/N, just shake it and move on...

He starts again, but I cut him off with a short wave of my hand. "Look, I... I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I had a really long night, and I'm exhausted. I just wanna shower and go to bed."

I expect more resistance, but Spencer only nods. I still can't bring myself to look him in the eye, though this time I catch his hands clenching at the bottom hem of his shirt. "I understand. Sleep well."

Without another word I turn on my heel and walk a little faster towards the stairs, and I'm about to take my first step when I realize he's followed me. His voice calls out my name softly from a few feet behind, and it stops me in my tracks regardless of my desire to get out of there as fast as I can. And then I turn around and finally look directly at his face.

Big mistake.

His eyes are on my legs again, trailing slowly upwards until he reaches my face. The light over here is dimmer, barely noticeable at all, though I swear I can see red forming on his cheeks.

"I like your dress," he says softly. It's almost meek, like he'd been afraid to say it but took a chance anyway.

It's such a random, small compliment, but with the alcohol and endorphins flowing through my body after the night I'd just had, it nearly makes me quiver.

It also makes me incredibly stupid.

An amused, almost sensual grin forms on my face as I make eye contact with him, and I feel myself throb at the way I can just barely see his throat move. He looks like a deer in headlights, afraid to make one sudden move.

"Turning to flattery to try and win me over, are we?" I say slowly.

I almost think he'll stumble over his words once more, but again he surprises me with a full answer. It's only three words but it's clear, and his voice is deep, and I want to fucking jump his bones right then and there.

"Is it working?"

This has to be the alcohol making me imagine things... I swear I didn't even drink that much tonight, but it has to be an obvious lapse in judgement. The drinking mixed with the sex mixed with the dirty thoughts I've been having about this man lately have to be what's making this feel real. It's all culminating into this one big fantasy (or delusion, more like), and all I need is to shower and sleep it off.

That has to be it.

So because there's no other reasonable explanation that my brain can conjure up, I take a chance and throw Spencer a wink before turning and sprinting up the stairs.

And it's that same seemingly undeniable reasoning for this illusion that doesn't keep my hands from wandering in the shower. Even though those warning sirens in my brain keep blaring, telling me that the common sense is still there for me to utilize, they're drowned out by my thrumming heartbeat and the repetition of Spencer's soothing, authoritative voice, guiding my movements.

Keep rubbing your clit for me, baby... Just like that, nice and slow...

Warm water cascades down the front of my body as I lean back into the wall of the shower, but that's not why I'm so warm. This heat radiates through my insides, spreading like wildfire and bringing out small whimpers and mewls that I know I'll have to contain in fear of waking my mom from her bedroom right next door.

But then the thought of her hearing me next door as I cry out her boyfriend's name only excites me more. I keep it quiet still, but just knowing that someone else is in the house while I'm having these thoughts right now (one of them being the object of said thoughts) is what finally brings me over the edge.

I finish my shower on weak legs, definitely overstimulated now, but also feeling even more tired. I know that the moment I lay down on my bed, I'll be pulled into the sweet, soft surrender of a deep sleep.

Nothing else has ever sounded so pleasant.

———

When I woke up that morning after, I was feeling surprisingly calm. Realistically I knew that my whole 'this has to be an illusion' montage had been less truth and more inebriated babble, and the longer I sat on it the more I thought it'd all turned out for the better.

Turns out, tipsily masturbating in the shower to thoughts of your mom's hot new boyfriend was a surefire way to get it out of your system, right?

Wrong.

It really had been okay at first. I thought about Spencer almost immediately, and yeah, he was still hot as fuck—But there wasn't this overwhelming desire within me to jump his bones when I saw him that morning, his hair messy and his hands clutching a cup of coffee while Mom made breakfast behind him.

But that good feeling I had about all of this? It lasts only about a split second.

Because the moment he looks up and sees me, the mug falls out of his hand and shatters to pieces. His eyes stay glued to me, even as my mother darts over to pick up the pieces of the ceramic that are scattered about the table and the floor. And when she turns back to grab a paper towel, he still stares at me, once again at my legs.

It takes me all of four seconds afterwards to remember that not only did I talk to him briefly last night, but I also flirted with him after he complimented me.

That whole part seemed to have slipped my mind when waking up, and now that his gaze is bringing me back to that moment, that 'this has to be an illusion' montage is starting to become larger than I'd remembered.

It isn't until he finally snaps out of it and starts to help my mom clean up the mess that I snap out of it, too, going back upstairs to clear my head and cool the heat radiating over my skin.

———

There's a knock at my bedroom door about an hour later, and it sounds different than my mom's usually quick two-knock succession. That means it's someone else, and unsurprisingly, my stomach tightens at the thought of seeing him again.

"Yeah?" I call out, turning in my desk chair and meeting Spencer's figure in the doorway. He's changed, a rather nice pair of slacks and a white button-up shirt clinging to his limbs.

"Can I come in?"

"Mhm," I say. I still don't know if I entirely trust myself to say anything more than a few words to him, and as he enters the room and sits on the foot of my bed, I wonder if he can tell.

He tries, really tries, to look me in the eye, but I know that it's hard. I've been in the same spot. And then he takes a deep breath before folding his hands in his lap.

"Y/N, I want to apologize... When we... talked last night... It was kind of weird, and then this morning wasn't really any better..." He can barely get out the words 'talk' and 'last night'... And then he avoids my gaze altogether, staring at the floor and trailing off, trying to put his thoughts together it seems.

And that's when it starts to click into place.

There's one thing that both last night and this morning have in common, and I've noticed it almost every time I've caught him staring at me. At my legs. It's happened almost daily since I've met him. And then, the night I come home clearly having just been fucked, waltzing past him, entertaining his fascination with my legs and then masturbating to thoughts of him in the shower, he finally starts dropping mugs.

He must also really feel something here. Something similar to my own feelings. And really, that should be a red flag, because he's my mom's boyfriend, and it's a goddamned fucking mess...

But fuck, it excites me.

I'm still wearing my pajama shorts, silky and lavender in color, and I use them to my advantage, slowly crossing one leg over the other and just barely gaining Spencer's attention back.

"Yeah, what was that, anyway?" I ask him, amusement dripping off my tongue.

I can tell from his reaction that he wasn't expecting me to ask. A few times he opens his mouth to speak and then closes it , stumbling before panicking. He's been pretty good so far at coming up with answers and explanations, so the fact that this time I finally seemed to have broken him down makes it all the more clear.

He must have heard me in the shower.

Right?

I'm almost completely positive that's what this is about. And there's one way for me to get the confirmation I'm looking for.

"So you heard me, huh?"

I try to keep my voice as plain as I can as not to give away my motives, and with my luck Spencer is so flustered that he probably wouldn't have even noticed it at all. He looks up at me, his eyes desperately trying to find something he can use to make up a lie, but in the end there's no use.

I've caught him. And he knows it.

"Yes," he whispers. He looks exhausted, guilty, and also a little like he wants to cross the barrier and kiss me.

Okay, maybe that part's just in my head. I really can't tell. But I do know that hearing me call his name out in the shower last night is what brought him to this point of severe distress. As much as that excites me, though, it also embarrasses me a little. Maybe if it hadn't happened we could have avoided further destruction.

It must read on my face, because Spencer perks a little. "Oh! Y/N, I'm not... I'm not mad or anything. I really didn't mean to overhear and invade your privacy... Really, I-I'm sorry."

The fact that he's apologizing to me right now, rather than acting all grossed out that I even did it in the first place, tells me he either feels guilty for not being able to help himself from hearing me, or he's just a good guy who loves my mom and doesn't want to ruin it because of a little mishap.

Either way, it's frustrating, because I don't know what to do.

Well, I know what I want to do, but I don't know if I should hint at it.

But then he does something. It's small, and no one would have noticed, but I've been fascinated with his hands since the moment I met him, so my eyes are instantly drawn there.

They're clenched so hard, his knuckles are nearly white.

He's nervous.

To ease his mind a bit, I hold off on poking the bear harder (though it's really tempting to see what will happen if I don't) and nod, trying to make myself look as apologetic and small as possible.

"It's okay... I... I won't make it awkward if you won't?"

His shoulders slump, and his body seems to relax. "Y–yeah. Yeah, deal."

He gets up off the bed and blurts one final apology before heading for the door, but that part of me that wants to poke the bear further makes me stand up and follow him.

"Spencer?" I call out.

He freezes and turns to face me, and I don't think he quite expected me to be as close as I am. I have to tilt my head up to look at him, and the angle gives me an added layer of this innocence I'm trying to achieve.

"I'm sorry, too..."

No the fuck I'm not.

Whether he can sense my lie or not, he doesn't show it. But I think he at least knows that I'm pitching my voice a little higher on purpose, and if that doesn't give it away, the way I'm staring at him sure should.

Still, he only nods and retreats.

All there's left to do is see what happens.

JUNE 25th

For someone who agreed not to make things awkward, Spencer sure can't keep his eyes off of me.

To be fair, I have tried to keep things fairly normal. I only really interacted with him if I had to, I kept my distance, and I saved my skimpier clothing for the strangers I was regularly going out to see almost every weekend.

My lustful feelings for him aren't as strong now that I've been getting some on a semi-regular basis and keeping myself occupied. I've been doing my part.

But I still can't shake him entirely.

Whenever he spends the night (which is surprisingly most nights), the occasional wet dream about him gets me frustrated when I know he's just down the hall and sleeping soundly next to my mom. On those days I try to cut as much interaction with him as I can, though it doesn't keep me from seeing the occasional stare he throws my way.

I wish I could say that I hate it.

But I don't, and it increasingly gets worse. It's only been a week, so there's still time, but honestly, I don't think there's any shaking him.

Today especially is one of those days where it's hard not to give into the incessant need to tease him and coax some stronger reaction out of him.

I talked to Mom earlier this morning about getting some new clothes, and she had this brilliant idea to have Spencer take me. "It would be a good chance for you two to bond a little, don't you think?" she insisted, nudging him in the side and silently pleading with her eyes for him to agree.

I could tell from the look on his face that he really wasn't ready to be alone with me again, but that only excited me.

"Yeah, I think that's a great idea," I piped up, positively beaming.

Mom was so excited for us to 'bond' and also that I was gladly inclined to go through with it that Spencer couldn't have said no to her even if he wanted to.

And I was pretty sure he didn't want to.

Yet here we are, sitting in the car, the air conditioning so strong it's blowing some of my hair into my eyes. I think it had been his way of punishing me for choosing today to wear a short skirt, something I usually refrain from nowadays unless I'm going out, and it makes me smile. I can't help it.

I also can't help the way my fingers play with my skirt, dying to tease him some more. I just want to see, to know for sure that I'm driving him mad.

"No offence, but you seem weird today... Is there something wrong?" I ask him, lifting my skirt just a smidge. The air from the car blows the fabric in waves.

"You're acting this way on purpose."

Well, I hadn't been expecting that answer... All this time he'd hardly been confrontative, and now he's full-on calling me out. It's plain to see that he's finally snapped, and I would have felt sorry about it if I didn't find it extremely sexy.

"What do you mean?"

"Y/N..."

My name on his lips is a warning. He's clearly annoyed, exasperated, and I'm loving every second. "Don't act oblivious. I'm not stupid, and neither are you. I don't want to make you hate me or anything, but you have to know where I'm coming from. I was willing to let the shower thing slide... And you said you were too, for that matter, so I don't know what's changed, but it has to stop now. Understood?"

Oh, all I want is to argue with him. I want to point out that none of this is really my fault because he's the one who hasn't been able to stop staring at me all summer so far. I want to tell him that if he wants this to stop he has to make it stop.

But that isn't going to give me any of the answers I'm looking for or further proof of my theory that he wants me just as badly as I want him. And I am not going to fuck this whole situation up by making a poorly-timed move on him.

I have to know for sure.

So, I fold my hands neatly in my lap, sigh, and look dead ahead. "Right... We said no awkwardness. I'm sorry."

Spencer seems to accept my apology and continues down the road.

When we make it to the mall I think he's calmed down. At least, he seems a little more comfortable around me, and honestly I'm okay with it. As much as his spiel in the car turned me on, it also exhausted me to the point of silence.

Even as we walk around each store in the mall, I just lead and he follows, not saying a word when I pick out a top or a pair of pants or whatever else I need. And when it comes time to pay, he takes the basket from me and pays for it with no question.

Near five bags of clothes later, I figure I could get used to this new dynamic.

But then we pass a lingerie store, and I remember that the main thing I'd needed was new underwear. I start to turn into the store, but stop suddenly, pausing awkwardly and deciding to go straight ahead instead.

"You don't want to go in?" Spencer asks.

I shake my head. "No, it's fine. I can just pick some up later, it's not a big deal."

He sighs then, nodding his head towards the sign. "If you need to go in, you can... I'll just wait out here if you're uncomfortable."

I really want to call him out, ask him if he's the one who should be worried about being uncomfortable. But so far this afternoon has been pretty decent, and I really don't want to make things any weirder than they have to be.

Besides... If my theory is right...

"Sure. Thanks. Uh, how am I gonna pay, though?"

"O—Oh... I'll uh... I'll just watch the counter and come in when you need me."

"Orrrr, you could just give it to me?"

This time I get a laugh out of him. "Not a chance. Go in, I'll wait."

I smile at him and hand him the bags to hold onto while I leave, and it fills me with absolute amusement that he'd just given me one more ounce of proof that I'm right.

He's gonna have to come inside and pay for what I bought. He could have just given me the card, and maybe he truly doesn't trust me with it (which I don't know why he wouldn't honestly), but he chose to come inside all the same.

I browse happily then, going through the displays and picking out things I need, but also things I know Spencer will like.

Specifically, I stumble on a pair of lavender panties, embroidered with flowery trim up top. The pattern from the outside is lace, but there's a thin layer of cotton underneath designed to be more comfortable to wear.

I've noticed that he can never seem to look away when I'm wearing anything, really, but it's more intense when I wear one of two things. Florals, and any type of purple. And these fit both of those bills perfectly.

Now there's just one more bill to take care of.

I stride over to the counter and turn around, finding that Spencer's caught my eye immediately. Either he truly had been paying attention to the counter the whole time, or he'd been watching through the glass, following me with his gaze to the best of his abilities. Either way, he blinks a few times and looks like he's gathering the courage to go in before actually taking any steps.

I laugh to myself, eager to gauge his reaction to this next step.

Surprisingly, he holds up well. The air between me, him, and the cashier is obviously awkward, but he doesn't say anything and barely looks at what she rings up. (I say barely because he tries extremely hard not to look at the purple pair I picked out, inadvertently adding another checkmark to my list of proof.) She tells him the total, he hands her the card, and within a minute, everything is in our possession and we're leaving the mall entirely.

I don't think there are any more steps to my plan today once we get in the car and I tell him thank you. (To which he responds a short and simple, Sure thing, and turns the radio on.)

But then there's a note taped to the front door, and it instantly gives me another one.

My Sweethearts,

I got called in on a work emergency and won't be back until 7. I would have called but I figured you were having a nice time and didn't want to interrupt! I'll bring home dinner, and then maybe you can tell me about how your day went. Can't wait to hear it!

XOXO,

Eve/Mom

I check my phone, seeing that it's almost 3.

Perfect.

But I don't want to give myself away too quickly, so I thank Spencer again for taking me out and tell him that I'm going upstairs to make sure everything fits right. He nods and lets me go, though not without lingering eyes. I can feel it.

The smile never leaves my face as I try all my clothes on. Once each article has been fitted, I throw it in a laundry basket and move to the next, until I get to the last piece.

The lavender panties.

As expected, they fit perfectly, and as I look at myself in the mirror I picture what Spencer would look like when he sees me wearing them.

That's right. When.

I throw back on my earlier outfit and grab the basket, acting as bored and normal as possible to find him sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book.

"Hey," I greet him, setting the basket in front of me once I reach the bottom of the stairs. "Everything fits good, I just need them washed now. Could you run these down to the laundry room for me? I think I'm gonna make something to snack on before Mom brings dinner."

It doesn't surprise me to see him look at my legs before my face, even if it is brief. I want to smile, but I hold back, watching him nod with a tight smile of his own.

"Sure."

He disappears and then I wait.

One...

Two...

Three.

I sneak as quietly as I can to the laundry room once I hear the washer door open. I hadn't specifically asked him to put them in the washer for me on purpose, and it looks like now he's doing exactly what I thought he might.

My head peeks around the corner, barely in his range of sight as I watch him empty the basket. He takes one item of clothing at a time and throws it in the washer, and halfway through the basket he stops, just to place a pair of my new underwear on the dryer beside him.

My heart races faster the more I wait for him to get to the end of the basket. Once he does, he pauses again, and I think I know exactly what he's looking for.

Still, he sets the basket aside and picks up the stray pair of underwear, a simple black cotton pair that I'd been getting for years, and drapes it over his hands. My thighs instantly clench, and I try so hard to remain where I am so I can see where he takes this.

He takes it straight to hell, apparently, tentatively pulling his dick out of his pants and gripping it firmly. I can barely see since his back is partially turned, but I see enough, and god he's so fucking pretty. My underwear dangle from his left hand while the other works slowly over his erection, a soft sigh falling from his lips.

I fight to let one of my own slip as my hand sinks down the front of my body, past the lavender cotton and lace that I know he just wishes he had right now.

And then, a few seconds later he's already coming, using my brand new underwear to catch each rope of it, and the sight nearly has me on my knees.

And because I want to catch him in the act, I quickly draw my hand away from myself and step into the room, barely giving him time to recover.

"You come fast."

Spencer looks utterly devastated when he turns to see me standing in the entryway to the laundry room, arms crossed and an amused smirk adorning my face.

"Y/N... I—I... I'm so sorry, I didn't... I..."

"Don't worry about it," I say, taking a step towards him and shrugging. "You heard me, and now I heard you... We're even. Besides, I... figured you might be looking for these."

He's still stunned, but he looks down all the same, watching my hands slip under my skirt and glide the lavender panties down my legs. I step out of them and hold the garment up on one finger, a soft smile still on my face.

"I picked 'em out just for you, you know," I tell him, tossing them past his face and into the washer. "I've noticed that you like purple."

This time he's quick to respond. "Y/N, we... We can't... This isn't right."

"Says the man holding my underwear soaked in his cum..."

He looks panicked again, extremely guilty, but if this isn't going to end in a total disaster, then I have to reassure him that I'm okay.

"Spencer, I'm not mad..." I take another step forward, and it feels much like trying to approach a wounded animal. I can see in his eyes and in his posture that this conflict is killing him, so I decide to show some rapport. "And I know... I know this is messy... I love my mom... And I'm sure you care about her a lot... But are we really going to ignore this? We tried that, remember? And now look where we are."

"I..." He swallows, shaking his head and trying to avoid my eyes. "I can't stop thinking about you... I can't..."

My hand finds his arm, and the light touch has him sighing out, an incredulous, breathy laugh escaping him. "Y/N, please... Don't."

"Don't what?" I ask softly, praying he won't turn me away. If he does, we're just back to square one, only the square is jagged, sharper than ever before, and in serious danger of injuring someone.

When he meets my eyes, I see nothing but a desire for something he knows he can't have. "Don't want me."

Now it's my turn to laugh. My knees start to wobble as I go down, keeping my eyes locked onto his, and I swear I see them dilate fully. I scoot in closer, sliding my hand up his leg and finding the words in my heart to finally say out loud.

"It's too late for that..."

My face moves closer, and the hand of his that doesn't currently hold my underwear flies down to gently tug at my hair, keeping me in place.

"If you do this... God, Y/N, I won't be able to stop myself..."

A smirk dances over my lips as I lean in, breath fanning gently over his exposed skin. "Don't."

He swallows. "Don't what?"

"Don't stop yourself."

I barely get the words out before his hand is completely pulling me towards him, and the second my lips press against the silky skin of his hard cock, he loses it completely.

His fingers thread through my hair as I kiss and lick my way softly up to the tip. Once I'm there, I swirl my tongue out and taste the small beads of cum that had remained after he came, a low, satiated hum radiating through my body and making him shiver under my touch.

And then I wrap my lips fully around the head of his dick, and there's no stopping the most beautiful sound I've ever heard come out of his mouth. It's a broken, desperate whisper of my name. The crack in his voice when he says it spurs me forward, and I take him deeper into my mouth until he hits the back of my throat.

That's when he tosses my underwear in the washer and uses both of his hands to grab my head, roughly guiding me along his cock and fully taking control of my actions.

The fire in my belly doesn't ease up, not even once he's decided that he can't take it anymore and pulls me off of him harshly.

And that's only because now he's fully turned over, finally given into these desires that have been plaguing him presumably from the moment we met.

"I want you stripped and in your bed, on your hands and knees within the next five minutes."

I get up off the floor and walk up to him until our bodies are flush, my arms reaching up to wrap around his neck.

"What are you gonna do to me, Spencer?"

He searches my eyes, and his own grow dark with the purest form of sin I'd ever seen. And when his hands come up over the back of my legs, and under my skirt to grab my ass and pull me even closer to him, I can't help the little mewl that slips past my lips.

He smiles, and if it hadn't been for the grip he held on me, I would have fallen to my knees. "Little girl, when I'm through with you, you'll have to come up with some excuse to your mom about why you can't walk straight... Is that what you want?"

The mention of my mom should send me running in the opposite direction, but his threat only prolongs that fire in my veins and makes me want him even more.

I tilt my head up and press a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Do your worst..."

———

Turns out he was very true to his word.

Sitting at the kitchen table is somewhat of a relief, but I try not to walk around as much when Mom gets home. She'd asked me almost immediately if I was okay, and I told her I was just hungry and needed to eat something.

She seemed to have bought it, rushing to the kitchen to unpack the fast food she'd ordered for us. Over her shoulder, Spencer gave me a sly smile, and it took everything I had within myself not to crumble.

Through bites of food, I only half-listen to Mom telling us about the stuff she had to do at work because most of the words I'm hearing are in my head— A loop of endless dirty talk that plants deep into the soil of my stomach and spreads out through my whole body. It infects me, like the most beautiful poison, and I never want it to stop.

"Tell me, sweetheart, you ever let a man come inside you before?"

His weight on top of me coupled together with the heft of his voice has me whining out in pleasure, each snap forward of his hips over my ass as he pounds into me from behind the most delectable burn I've ever felt.

"Uh huh," I answer happily, twisting my head to feel his cheek against my own. "That night you heard me in the shower... I walked through the door with a stranger's cum soaking my panties... And you know what?"

He grumbles, his hips hitting into me harder as he waits for me to continue.

"I wished it was yours..."

My legs clench together under the table and I take a large gulp of water.

I feel something graze over my bare shin, and I already know it's Spencer's foot, a silent reassurance of his presence and that no matter what, he'll always be here.

"Here's what's going to happen..."

He has me on my back now, my legs hoisted over his shoulders and bent back so I'm nearly folded in half. His hips are flush against mine and I can feel his cock throbbing as he comes into the condom.

"You're gonna make an appointment to make sure you're clean... You're gonna make sure you're on good birth control... And then the next time I fuck this pretty little pussy, you're gonna really know what it feels like to have a man come inside you."

Right... Like I really need a reminder of his presence.

I can practically feel it still inside me, taking up every inch of space my body could provide. And no matter how long I go without seeing him, I have no doubt that it'll always remain.

"But that's enough about me, I'm sorry." Mom's voice shifts and breaks me out of my fantasy. "So, how did your day of bonding go? You have fun?"

Spencer and I share a look, a smile spreading over his lips that makes me smile in turn.

"Yeah, Mom," I say. "It was great."

He nods in kind. "Yeah... We'll definitely have to do it again."

His foot grazing over my leg under the table cements the unwavering smile on my face, as does the way my whole body burns at the memory of him fucking me upstairs only hours before.

I don't even flinch or get sick to my stomach when Mom reaches over and gives Spencer a kiss.

———

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