#how come this post is so freaking long even without translation differences?

[meimi-haneoka]

Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Special Chapter: Comments and Analysis

WELCOME BACK, CCS FAAAAAAAAAAAANSSS!!!!!

Oh my god 3 months went already by from that December 1st and chapter 80, didn't they?? Feels like yesterday 🙈But we're finally here, finally ready for the release of the definitive, last SPECIAL CHAPTER of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card!!!! After this, no more CCS for at least a while!!

Why do you see me so euphoric?? WELL, THERE IS MORE THAN ONE VERY GOOD REASON 😂 But let's not jump the gun and let's introduce this post properly: this time around, I won't be posting pictures to "illustrate" the analysis/commentary, because this special chapter was treated differently from the other ones. It didn't get, in fact, a free release on CLAMP's Youtube channel, in any language, and wasn't even uploaded for digital purchase on Comic Days like all the rest of the chapters. The only way to obtain it was via the April issue of Nakayoshi, either with the physical or digital version. Since it is clear to me their intention to keep this gem of a special chapter away from the internet jungle, and since lately I used only the screenshots from Youtube to illustrate my analysis, this time around I won't be posting anything (aside from the color page, which was released by the official account themselves).

AND! I won't be mixing analysis and summary, because I have already conveniently prepared some screenshots with a detailed summary of the chapter for the people who were curious to know, but didn't get to see the chapter yet or did see it but couldn't read Japanese. I have already posted these screenshots on my Twitter account, and I'll put them here too under the cut (please don't repost them around or in other social media), so you can immediately get a broad view on the content of the chapter (I don't have to point out translation mistakes, haha 😅), and then, afterwards, I'll write my commentary. And there is SO MUCH to say!!

But before starting, we can't break the tradition right at the LAST ROUND of our chapter commentaries, right?? So off we go, with the GIF OF THE MONTH!!

Yes, I think this is the GIF that can represent this chapter the most. 😂

The Color Page

This special chapter is composed of 33 pages, and of course I can't avoid starting my commentary precisely from the color page!!

I admit it, I hoped for a color spread with the four main characters of Clear Card (hence, including Kaito and Akiho too), but since the other two appeared with their own color page just in chapter 79, we'll gladly take this single color page with SyaoSaku too!! ❤️ The JP text reads "We've been together till now, and we will always be! Featuring a long-awaited special chapter!!" Syaosaku look absolutely adorable....and so, so happy!! Looking at us, from a wreath made of cherry blossoms, of course dressed in their image colors pink and green, in a "pair look"...I think their shiny smiles conquered the hearts of the entire fandom (saw many comments about it) and it is certainly a perfect introduction to a chapter that is, indeed, completely made of this happy, leisurely, warm atmosphere. I feel like it tastes even better, after all the anxiety they made us go through, right? I'm pretty sure that was CLAMP's goal all along, giving us this little reward after all the hard situations they've put their characters through. This color page looks like Sakura and Syaoran are saying "goodbye" to us, holding their hands in a lover's hold, but seeing them so cute and happy definitely soothes the sad feeling 🥲 Until we meet again...hopefully!

Letters From Around The World

But it's when the chapter starts that we get our first surprise: the time skip is of one entire year!!! We left our little heroes at the end of the first year of Tomoeda Middle school, ready to go in spring break and then start the second year...here, Sakura says she's in her spring break of the next year, ready to become a 9th grader!!! I almost couldn't believe they actually went that far, I knew from CLAMP's podcast that there was a timeskip, but I expected just some months! Although....I have to say the characters don't look that different, Mokona said she made them a tiny bit older and she kept true to that, because it's barely visible! 🤭 But if you compare them with how they looked at the middle of the story, of course the difference is visible.

I was so happy to see that the chapter started right away with a letter from Akiho: a letter or a videocall was definitely among the type of content I wanted to see in this chapter, because of course I still was quite preoccupied about the difficult journey Akiho and Kaito embarked on, so I wanted to see how they were faring. The amount of letters Sakura accumulated over the span of this year tells me that they moved around quite a lot, and she had always something to share with her "long-distance sister" 🤭 Kero praising Akiho's skills and even feeling some sort of "reverence" for her insane talent to find all the crazy and rare books was so funny and nice!! 😂Sakura is adorable, feeling all proud about the talent of her "sister" 🤭 Loved that they actually mentioned the place where Akiho and Kaito are currently at!! (cause they didn't reveal where they'd go first, in chapter 80, and I guess we'll never know). I appreciated SO SO much that they let us see that Akiho didn't drop, but actually continued to practice her sewing skills like she was doing before everything went down the drain with the Alice in Clockland play: moreover, finding out later that this skill is also helping her greatly with the true ambition of her life made me incredibly satisfied. How cute of her to send outfits for Kero and Suppy, even from far away??

I was quite surprised to find out that Akiho sends all the rare books to Eriol, and then laughed my as* off at Kero saying he's selling them off (the way Kero phrases it in JP makes it look a QUITE shady activity 😂). This shows there's a continued collaboration between the "group" in England and YunaAki, and it's very nice. They're not only "taking" support from Eriol, Akiho also does return the favor, providing Eriol with the books he needs.

And then....got really emotional to know that Kaito wrote a letter to Sakura, back when they left one year ago 🥲 I DID feel like some kind of acknowledgement or apology from Kaito to Sakura was missing from chapter 80 (but honestly, with everything they had to explain, where they could fit that?) and so this little mention completely fixed that sense of "he made a mess and barely managed to apologize to Akiho before leaving". Kaito isn't an ass*ole so of course he would've done something like that, and a letter seems perfect for an introvert boy of few words like him. I imagine the letter wasn't really long either. The little moon on the sealing wax...❤️The fact that Sakura is storing that single letter together with Akiho's letters in a specific box makes me almost cry. She cares for those two so, so much! 😭 Sakura wishes to receive more letters from Kaito and I really hope he will open up to her along the way, because he could benefit ENORMOUSLY from her advices and perspective! Also THANK YOU CLAMP for giving us a little "still" of those two next to eachother from the moment when they were leaving Tomoeda, with the suitcases and all 🥲that last faraway shot of all four of them together in chapter 80 was so great, but I wanted to see them like this too!

The SyaoSaku Date

Aaaaaand then we get to the long awaited, craved, coveted SYAOSAKU DATE!!! 🤣 I can't count how many people I've seen wishing for this....to be honest I was going to be ok with any kind of sweet moment between the two, but gotta admit that a carefree afternoon watching a stage play and then taking refreshment at a café gives this sense of normal, complete fun that was missing a bit for them. They are dressed in a very fancy way (loved that Sakura isn't wearing her usual long one-pieces but something different, with puff shorts! A sign of her growing up?) and even though they're not exactly wearing a "pair look" (too corny, maybe?), they are well matching eachother's outfits. And of course we find out that Tomoyo made Sakura's cute outfit and even the decorations on Syaoran's collar! The fact she was the one asking Syaoran to wear them at the date is kinda funny, like some sort of guidance into looking like a couple, thanks to the matching decorations! Tomoyo really takes care of everything....yes....everything. 🥲 The mention of Sakura's wedding dress of course made me go "OH MY GOD" and made me realize that if Tomoyo is already mentioning that.......we aren't *that* far away from that day (I always imagined SyaoSaku marrying early, since they're soulmates and got together so young!! 😆). Truly an emotional, sweet moment that was reinforced by Tomoyo's tender expression in the flashback. Her resolution to devote herself to learn to design even normal everyday outfits, or date outfits, everything that could accompany her dear Sakura everyday, reminded me that Tomoyo found her very own way to be with Sakura, and she's perfectly content with that. Tomoyo's happiness is seeing Sakura happy, and she will do anything to achieve that. ✨

Syaoran and Kaito's Friendship

And then my blushy blushy Sakura changes topic and suddenly throws me on the floor in a fit of laughter, because seeing Syaoran's confused look while he was trying to make sense of the pictures Kaito sent him on his phone WAS HONESTLY PRICELESS. 😆 My god, how long have I wished to see them like this? Moving their timid steps into a friendship (since their girlfriends are like sisters and Sakura literally saved Kaito's derriere), being their awkward dorky selves...they surprisingly get along so well and Syaoran doesn't seem to hold resentment towards him, which is GREAT for me!! He's learning from Sakura to just let go of hard feelings, when you've found out the person who acted in an oppositive way was just in a very desperate situation and had actually no ill intentions. And that makes me incredibly happy. Kaito needs all the support he can get, to make the right decisions in his life, and I can totally see him finding a particular connection with Syaoran, due to how they're both moon boys, who would give their life for the person they love. I think precisely for this, precisely because Syaoran can understand to a degree Kaito's situation and behavior, he wouldn't feel judged and would feel more free to establish a connection with him. I was k*lled with laughter and endearment when I saw that Syaoran felt confused, but still tried to understand Kaito's peculiar way of communicating with him 😂 And guess what? I think he doesn't realize it, but he's totally starting to get it! 😂The way our wolfie boy snaps that picture IMMEDIATELY as the cat passes by, and how he only framed the ear, really shows how in the end he's speaking "the same language" as Kaito 😂 Seeing Sakura so excitedly think to herself that the two became such good friends made me scream "SAME SAKURA-CHAN, SAME!!!" 😂 All in all, seeing these two having such a relaxed, comfortable date talking about their friends and stuff that happened lately made me completely feel that one year that elapsed, and now they act totally like a couple that's been dating for quite some time. 😊 Ooooh thank you sensei, really. Thank you so much for this scene. 🙏

The Moon Is Really Beautiful, Right?

BUT! The real reason why CLAMP will always have my heart and my gratitude is hidden in the next scene. 😂

Oh my god, the screams I've belted out when I saw them. And when I've read THAT. But let's go in order, let's go in order and not jump the gun! We're in Germany, Akiho and Kaito now seem to be living in an apartment in a nice building! They're still talking in keigo, and still calling eachother "Akiho-san" and "Kaito-san". 😊

Kaito SMILES genuinely at the picture Syaoran sent him!! And answers, to an observant Akiho, that he's having fun!! 😭HIM! The one who couldn't understand what was fun in interacting with others!!! He looks honestly so radiant and happy, a sign that his mental recovery is going strong. And that he's slowly expanding his "trusted people" network. 🥲🙏Also, he looks younger than ever!!! 😂

It made me INCREDIBLY HAPPY to see that Akiho didn't drop the "hobby" she had started in chapter 26 (ages ago!!), remember this scene?

I remember how much I loved to know she had started learning how to do this, because together with my friends, at the time, we all thought this could easily become her aspiration in life......and guess what?? CLAMP confirmed she wants to take on a job revolving around books and book repairing!! This is all canon!! T___T oh my happy tears.... There's a sense of pride in seeing that this journey for Akiho isn't only revolving around finding the cure for Kaito's shortened lifespan (which hurt his body terribly) and restarting his "stopped time", or finding Momo and the Alice in Clockland book, but she's also got the mental resolution to do something for herself, for what she wants to do in life, something that is completely disconnected from Kaito. Again, I cannot reiterate enough how this girl doesn't have an unhealthy codependent relationship with Kaito, and she's completely capable of thinking about her own future, aspirations and wishes. She wants him with her, and she could never live happily without him, but the love of her life isn't the only thing that exists for her. It is incredibly satisfying to see her working hard for her own future, where she'll be able to contribute (especially financially) to their livelihood. I can see Kaito helping her and assisting her with that. The other day I was dreaming away with my friends about Kaito and Akiho managing a "book cafè" together somewhere, how impossibly sweet that would be?

Seeing this volitive, ambitious, strong-willed Akiho once again filled my heart immensely. And I wasn't the only one, apparently.....

Oh god, you have no idea of the SHRIEKS I belted out when I saw Kaito saying "the moon is really beautiful, right?" in full daylight. Like. It is absolutely unmistakable at this point what kind of love he feels for her, and while I always knew, I'm sure the character took his own sweet time and personal introspection to reach that conclusion. If you remember, I've always said it and reiterated it at the end of chapter 80: Kaito won't understand things overnight, it will take a long time. And one year, at that age, is enough of a long time to come to terms with one's feelings and understanding what exactly they mean. They lived all that time together as two "equals", no more butler/boss bullsh*t, so they had even more opportunities to see eachother's true colors. And Kaito couldn't help but fall even more in love with Akiho, to the point that seeing her working so excitedly for her future made him gently overflow with that feeling....and said that sweet quote of Natsume Soseki that we all know, by now, what it means. I think the mere fact that what made his heart explode was seeing her so independent and strong, is a good sign that Kaito's love for her is the healthy and supportive kind, too. He doesn't love her and feels attracted to her soul because she's a weaker, younger, malleable being that he can dominate (as a toxic relationship would portray), but at the contrary, because she's free and strong and wonderful on her own. The more he sees her shining, the more that feeling grows. Throughout this scene, he looks at her and talks to her in such an intensely sweet way, you can totally see he's smitten with her.

The most popular reply to someone who confesses with "the moon is beautiful" is the equivalent of "I could die for you/I can die happy now", in Japanese. And Kaito had been unconsciously replying that way, with his actions, the whole damn time during the serialization of Clear Card. But since he took it way too literally, things were really heading to tragedy. Nobody wanted him to die for real, and yet, subconsciously, that was the only way he had found to give outlet to an enormous amount of feels that he couldn't express (because it wasn't appropriate, and nobody would ever love him, and he only caused her pain, and he had to let go of Akiho anyway at the end of it).

So considering all of THAT, this "I love you very much" he said now (he added とても, "very", like Akiho did ❤️) in this way, makes me think even more "yes, you finally understood what was the best way to convey it!" and therefore, it represents another character development for our moon boy. 🥲

There's debate over whether he had already understood what Akiho had meant, in chapter 48. I stand firmly by my convinction that, even if he was informed of the Japanese folklore tale around it, he quickly dismissed it as "no, she's meaning it literally for the moon", since he couldn't really believe that anyone would ever take interest in him, and was sure he would've always been alone. Otherwise, if he really understood and believed that Akiho was in love with him, I don't think he could've ever said that "I thought you didn't need me to be happy". It doesn't make sense. But everything that happened at the fake moon, and all her angry tears, and all her resolution to find a way to cure him, made him finally see that she really meant it in that way. ❤️So his own acceptance and introspection could finally start, and....it brought to this. ❤️ If you want to know more about the popular phrase "the moon is beautiful, right?", I invite you to check my first Clear Card Trivia post, focused on the literary and musical references portrayed throughout this story!

And LOL, I couldn't help but noticing several things in how this scene played out: first, he immediately "runs away" blabbering about the breakfast being ready, a very similar way to how he "ran away" in chapter 52 when Akiho could see right through him and was trying to express her support and feelings to him. This is definitely an indication (taking into consideration also how he acted when he was little) that the reason why Kaito walked away back then, slamming the door, had a sprinkle of embarrassment embedded in it, too. Yeah. I mean, look at the face he's making here, just before he notices, puzzled, that his hand is shaking:

He's smiling so tenderly, among the pain he's feeling because of his poor health. He even laughs! He's happy he heard that! But he just couldn't stay hearing any longer, back then. Now, in this scene of the special chapter, he literally throws "the bomb" and runs away without hearing her answer or reaction 😂😂😂this is definitely embarrassment, and I'd like to think there's even a hint of teasing streak that I've always seen between the lines in his personality. It came out particularly with Syaoran and Momo, but Akiho isn't excluded from this dynamic! 😂

And excuse me, but Akiho's reaction literally made me roll on the floor laughing!! 😂The poor girl is probably so used to live abroad, and Japanese folklore isn't probably coming up immediately in her mind anymore, despite it's a phrase SHE used HERSELF back then! 😂Or maybe it's because she didn't really expect it from him, and so she took a moment to connect the dots. Either way, it was extremely funny! And I can't absolutely avoid pointing out how our girl isn't blushing like mad anymore, but just slightly.... I mean. It must have been quite clear to her too, by now, that her feelings were in some kind "reciprocated", be it for what Sakura said back at the fake moon, his decision to go back to her, and his decision to reveal his true name, hence giving her his most vulnerable part of himself... This isn't a shock for her, and she probably waited patiently, patiently, for him to finally say something like this. So maybe, more than embarrassed, she's surprised that the day finally came! 🥲 Goodness. This really puts all my worries to rest, Akiho will truly be happy. And it makes total sense that CLAMP made him say this now, and not at the end of chapter 80. As I said, more time was needed. This entire scene leaves me with a sweet, soft, comfortable feeling, and it's totally how I've always imagined their relationship to be. Also....no more of that "he loves her as a daughter/sister" crap, not canon-wise at least. 😊

One last thing I have to point out about this scene, which curiously reconnects everything together, is that recently CLAMP have announced the themes to which their upcoming exhibition will revolve around: among them, there's LOVE (of course!), and among the decorations surrounding the featured character on the key visual (Sakura, for now, but there's at least another one coming!) there are a couple of birds too. Birds are, in this sense, a symbol of love in CLAMP's language. I couldn't really help but noticing all the birds flying outside the window next to Akiho, the moment Kaito says that "the moon is really beautiful, right?". Basically, CLAMP were trying to scream it all over the place, however they could. 😂

"Momo-san?!"

It was so nice to see Yukito and Kero-chan gossiping about Touya right in his face, with the complete intention to tease him 😂in that sense, Yukito really seems like a sweet and harmless character, but don't be fooled! His teasing power is over 9000!! 😂Touya's killing glare made me crack up! He's so done for, now that both Kero and Yukito can tease him in the open! 😂😂😂

But please, please, let me scream about MOMO!!! Oh my god I would've never accepted a special chapter that didn't feature her!! Aaaaahhh I'm so glad to see that she's fine 🥲 The conversation between her and Sakura made clear to me that she isn't that free to move how I imagined her to be. Certainly, she decides where to go and who the book stays with (and when to leave), but the impartiality imposed on her role doesn't allow her to act freely like she wants, unless she pays a price. And she decided to pay a price, not to see Akiho and Kaito, but to go and thank Sakura herself first. Because, as her "those kids" suggests, she of course still feels some kind of maternal instinct towards them, and as any mother would do, she wants to thank Sakura from the bottom of her heart for having helped and saved those two. Even her body language (the position of her hands) portrays that. And excuse me, but I A B S O L U T E L Y loved how CLAMP clarified once and for all, addressing directly the complaints of their own fandom, that Sakura wasn't forcingly dragged into a matter that wasn't related to her. Everything she did, she decided to do it because she felt it touched her personally. From the moment she became Akiho's friend and came to care for her, everything that happened and everything that she was involved with was related to her too. This wasn't "somebody else's business" anymore. Because Akiho is one of her most beloved friends, no matter how "fast" that happened. Some relationships bloom almost immediately, because the connection is just that strong. And so, this turned into just another expression of "your happiness is my happiness", with Sakura acting according to what her heart suggested. As Kaito is Akiho's most beloved person, Sakura couldn't help but care for him too, because doing so would've made her friend happy, in a wonderful "circulation of love".

Special mention for the scene with pregnant Lilie, oh my god I didn't really expect this either. How long ago I wrote that Tumblr post about cosmos flowers and the origin of Akiho's name? A couple of weeks ago? It's like CLAMP answered my curiosity, with this scene. I still keep my interpretation in my heart, but I also love the logic "it is a flower that keeps the same name in many countries". Of course. "Wherever you'll go, you'll always be your unique self". (And now I want to cry, mama's heart is so big😭) The way Lilie keeps her hands over her womb made me tear up. The ring isn't there anymore, a sign that she probably already gave it to Momo (understandably, since once Akiho would be born, she wouldn't really have much time left). The baby bump isn't that noticeable, probably because she's at the beginning of her pregnancy. Who knows if she kept seeing little Kaito while she was pregnant. 🥲Who knows if in the scene where she's telling him about how wonderful it is to have something you love, especially a person, she was already pregnant with Akiho. 🥲

Momo and Sakura's final words made me understand that Momo cannot go back to Akiho and Kaito till the circumstances and the moment is right. Whether it depends on Akiho's wish, or the right cosmic arrangement, it's surely not in the short term. Especially considering the limited scope of Momo's agency. It cannot come from Momo (unless she pays a huge price), it needs to come from them, strongly enough. I also want to think that, again as an acquired mother figure, Momo wants those two to find their own way, identity and figure out their relationship on their own, without her interference. I'm sure she's keeping an eye on them from faraway, though. 🥲Even though this still feels bittersweet because I wanted to see them reuniting in canon so badly, it gave me lots of hope for the future. Momo is just waiting for the right moment, and she'll be ready to embrace them when the time is right. Maybe, who knows, we'll see that reunion in another series or in a special publication in the future?

The End

And then....the final scene ��NOW it is finally clear what Ohkawa meant in that one Twitter Space, when she mentioned that there was a reason why they never featured Sakura's birthday!!! THEY NEEDED TO KEEP THE EXCLUSIVITY FOR THIS!! 😂 I'm so glad they did, really...it's so sweet to see her reaching 14 years old (the "standard age" of many shoujo heroines! 😂) and seeing Syaoran giving her a present, with that strikingly sweet smile full of love...but most importantly....the breathtaking final double spread 🥲🥲🥲🥲 The way she pulls his hand close to her chest, to her heart, while saying that Syaoran will be forever and ever her most important and special person.....really, this chapter is meant to k*ll us all with feels!🥲and I love how CLAMP keep finding ways to portray their physical displays of affection without resorting to the classic, most wanted (but also probably considered not appropriate yet) "kiss". The very final page is a direct parallel of a page from chapter one, where Sakura was going to school alone and looked back down the street to admire the cherry blossoms in full bloom.

Now, she's not alone anymore, but actually hugging the love of her life on her special day! Really, what a wonderful and fulfilling way to give the final touch to this amazing story! 🥲 Her very last line also contributed to this. Sakura leaves us again, 24 years after the first ending, with words of positivity for the future, and love for her important people. This wraps everything up nicely, but it still keeps things quite "open-ended", hopefully in the eventuality to return to this wonderful series in the future. Sakura is growing up, as CLAMP wished, and it might be possible to see her dealing with more "grown-up" situations, magic and non-magic wise. But one thing is for sure, her relationship with her loved ones will always take top priority. ❤️

Well well well, we came to the end of this looooooong commentary for this special chapter too. I can't help but thank once again all of you who followed my posts all these years, and commented with your POVs on the story.

As I've said multiple times, Cardcaptor Sakura gave me so much ever since I was a kid, and this sequel was no exception. This special chapter, in particular, overflowed with things I wanted to see, and I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking so. I once again want to congratulate CLAMP for wrapping everything up nicely, and thank them from the bottom of my heart for these almost 8 years of emotional journey. 🙏

See you around with my other tumblr posts, and let's look forward to the release of volume 16 on April 1st, and hopefully, news about the anime sequel of Clear Card!!

[queer-ragnelle]

hey awhile ago you posted like a reading list for stuff about Galahad and I was wondering if you had anything similar about Dinadan? I'm reading Malory at the moment and have been entranced by his normal guy swag

Hello there!

I’ll list out some recommendations of medieval literature, retellings, even some screen appearances for Dan!

Medieval Literature

La Tavola Ritonda (Tristan & The Round Table)

This is an Italian rendition of the Prose Tristan (where Dinadan originates from). I prefer it in every way to the Prose Tristan. I love it so much that I scanned it myself! It predates Le Morte D’Arthur! So while Dinadan’s brothers Daniel & Brunor are in it, Brunor is not yet nicknamed La Cote Male Taile, that doesn’t come until Malory. Dinadan’s apparent queerness (whether that be interpreted as asexuality or something else) shines here. There’s even a part where Tristan plays a prank on him by sneaking into his bed & kissing him, pretending to be their host who was interested in Dinadan earlier, & Dinadan not only freaks out in the moment (duh) but then refuses to forgive Tristan & gives him the silent treatment for several chapters. I find this compelling that Dinadan is given an emotional depth here he’s rarely afforded, & sticks to his guns, even though Tristan whines that he wants Dinadan to talk to him, (without really apologizing…). All names are in Italian, so while “Dinadano” is recognizable as Dinadan, others are harder to place. Here’s a name guide I made in case you need it!

Byelorussian Tristan

Divdan [Dinadan] makes a small appearance in this text during a joust. It's said he's "more pleasing to the maidens than to the other knights." What did the Russian storyteller mean by this?

Le Román de Tristan le roman de Palamede (in French)

This story is in French & has yet to be translated into English. But I’ll put it here anyway just in case you’re able to read that or as a reminder for later when it does get translated. Anyway Dinadan is here as a good friend of Palamedes.

Retellings

The Fortunate Island by Max Adeler

Really whacky story. I haven't finished reading it yet, but it's full of crackships, including a version of Dagonet interested in Ysolt, who in turn loves, Bleoberis who is too poor to marry anybody. Shenanigans. Anyway Dinadan is interested in this girl Matilda only for Agravaine, of all people, to propose to her immediately after being introduced. Hilarious. Someone should remind these guys they're both queer. In any case Matilda slaps him because she really is interested in Dinadan. The story is more reminiscent of the 1880s culture than medieval, with Dinadan sharing a smoke with Matilda's father then offering her a drag. Dinadan continues to have a weird rivalry with Agravaine for her affection as Agravaine apparently cannot tell she's uninterested. Typical Orkney bro behavior to interpret violence as love. So even though this story depicts Dinadan differently than his "allergic-to-love" medieval counterpart, he remains the most sensible of the characters. Which is close enough.

The Birth of Galahad by Richard Hovey

Dinadan first appears in this drama after he’s rescued from his imprisonment at the hands of the enemy Roman forces. He’s listed in the cast as “friend of Tristram of Lyonesse” which is cute but made funny as Dinadan complains about having to bring reinforcements to the war while Tristram stayed home. Dinadan whinges about Tristram’s tryst with Iseult. Meanwhile nobody who's been away since the start of the war has even heard of her yet, while Launcelot claims he knows nothing. Dinadan's loose lips get a pass here, he was a prisoner of war for who knows how long. They beat his manners right out of him!

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain

Dinadan doesn’t play a huge part in this novel, but chapter 4 is named for him, “Sir Dinadan the Humorist.” He has the characterization of a washed up jester/failed comedian. The main character Hank is kind to him though & tries to laugh at his jokes, if only because Dinadan had spared him the scrutiny/mockery he affords some other knights.

The Song of Dinadan by Ernest Rhys

This collection has a short lay dedicated to Dinadan which is reminiscent of his discussion regarding love he has with Isolde in Le Morte d'Arthur.

The Merriest Knight by Theodore Goodridge Roberts

This is a short story collection with tons of Dinadan adventures which exemplify the traits we know & love about him! It's very sweet & you can really feel the author's love for the character shining through.

The Enchanted Cup by Dorothy James Roberts

A retelling of Tristram/Isoud’s romance. Dinadan takes on a slightly different role here as he’s older than Tristram & more of a mentor. (Gouvernail is still here; Tristram is collecting father figures in this one.) But Dinadan is the first member of the Round Table that Tristram meets & he finds his quick wittedness endearing. Tristram also finds him fascinating because he’s so short & “prefers eating to fighting,” as Andret said, so Dinadan challenges what Tristram expected a knight to be. Dinadan has his usual “I’d rather not fight unless I have to” attitude & still holds fast to his opinions about love, although he’s less animated about it here compared to other stories where he’s combative. He comes across as wise rather than spirited in his opinions, particularly because Tristram’s prepared to risk it all for Isould, & Dinadan finds himself in Tristram’s corner when it comes time to choose sides. Anyway I really love the prose & banter in this book. Great dialogue, really feels natural & holds my attention. It’s extremely 1950s in its handling of Palamides, not kind to him at all, but barring that, it’s really solid.

Child of the Northern Spring by Persia Woolley

Queen of the Summer Stars by Persia Woolley

Guinevere: The Legend in Autumn by Persia Woolley

Dinadan is present in all three books of the trilogy, but mostly the second one. He's Tristan's best friend & right hand man. Dinadan reminds Tristan of his manners & formalities his hastier companion often neglects. They're both musicians & bond over a love of music. My biggest warning with this series is that Isolde is a child bride, so every plot line surrounding her, including Dinadan's criticisms of her relationship with Tristan, hit different. The whole Prose Tristan gang is here though, including Branwen, Palomides, & Lamorak.

The Ballad of Sir Dinadan by Gerald Morris

Dinadan is the main character! Woo hoo! He’s the less popular brother of Tristan. The book emphasizes Dinadan’s queerness which is enjoyable to read. He’s in his early twenties so he’s just heading out into the world & exploring himself at the same time. He goes on many adventures, including joining Kai & Bedivere to aid Culhwch in his tasks so he can marry Olwen, developing a deep friendship with Brangienne & Palomides, & having to come to his brother Tristan’s aid whenever his fragile mental state gets him into trouble out in the wilderness. All the while Dinadan connects with those around him through a love of music. He plays the rebec! He reappears in later books for the resolution of the Squire’s Tales series. Even though this book is in the middle of the series, it can be read independently, although I do recommend the entire thing.

Arthur King of Time and Space by @paulgadzikowski

In this webcomic series, Dinadan appears throughout as comic relief & sometimes as the "straight man" character for other characters to point out. Across the many timelines, he's consistently associated with Tristan, Palomides, & Isolde, with whom he was roommates/neighbors with at the same apartment complex. They're in a band together & Dinadan is shown to be proficient in many instruments. In the Medieval timeline, he mostly has a lute & also sings. He's very cute. I love that his armor is pink/red, as Palomides wears pink & Tristan wears red. Which could mean nothing.

Sir Tristan is Just Awful by Jeffrey Wikstrom

This is the third book in a five book series that parodies Le Morte d'Arthur. I haven't read this series in full yet as someone only recently made it into PDFs for me to share, but Dinadan retains his sarcastic humor & queer swag. It's implied he & Palomides have sex, so make of that what you will!

Lancelot by Gwen Rowley

Gawain by Gwen Rowley

Two romance books in a series, one about Elaine/Lancelot & the other Ragnelle/Gawain. However, Dinadan is a prominent side character. Lancelot technically came first, but they can be read in either order. The whole incident with the dress from Le Morte d’Arthur is in both books, as their timelines overlap a bit from the respective points of view. Dinadan is a friend of Gawain’s that shows up again in the Lancelot book many years after the events of the Gawain book ended. I really enjoy his character here, he’s pretty funny.

The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman

Brand new book that just came out this year. The true main character is an OC named Collum, but Dinadan is one of the last surviving members of the Round Table, & several chapters are dedicated to his backstory from his own perspective. Without spoiling too much (since it’s so new), Dinadan is explicitly queer here, as well as some other characters. He’s friends with Palomides here who evidentially knows the secret of his queerness before any others. I will say, Dinadan doesn’t feel very much like his medieval counterpart in terms of characterization, he doesn’t express any negative opinions about love. He feels more like a guy the author happened to call Dinadan. However, I still enjoyed the book!

Movies

Camelot (1967)

In this musical, Guinevere recruits three champions in the hopes of defeating Lancelot, including Lionel, Sagramore, & Dinadan! She has a duet with each of them. Dinadan is present for the Lusty Month of May song as well. He gets a whole joust with Lancelot that turns bad. Winds up a super important catalyst character for the plot!

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court (1970)

Animated adaptation of Mark Twain’s book of the same name. The most faithful one too. It adapts the "Sir Dinadan the Humorist" chapter from the book. Dinadan rides through during a joust after the first bout ends to crack jokes with Arthur & Hank. He then falls off his horse. This movie also includes Dinadan’s brother, La Cote Male Taile.

And that's all I have for you! Unfortunately, Dinadan doesn't appear in any Tristan/Isolde movies at all, which is a huge bummer. Ironically, the movies he does appear in lack Tristan/Isolde entirely! But he's got some great literary appearances I think you'll enjoy.

Hope that gives you plenty of Dinadan to enjoy. Take care!

[kil9]

Hi! I'm a K-Shawol living in Korea! I was just browsing through Tumblr when I came across your post, and it caught my attention lol. Since I'm using a translator right now, my English might sound awkward, so I hope you can bear with me. So, I saw some posts you wrote a few years ago about Taemin. Specifically, the theory that he might be neurodivergent—like, possibly autistic. Honestly, that theory feels as plausible to me as the one about Key being gay lol. (TMI: Among Korean Shawols, there are almost no fans who genuinely believe Kibum is straight lol. Between his explanation of "Lil Freak," the lyrics of "Born to Shine," or "Mirror Mirror"... everything about it feels like a queer metaphor!) Anyway, you might find this a bit random, but do you remember what Taemin said during Hyeri's YouTube content last summer? He mentioned suspecting that he might have ADHD. That comment didn't really make much noise in Korea, but it seemed to stir a bit of conversation internationally. Actually, I've personally thought for a long time that Taemin might have ADHD or a similar neurodevelopmental condition. And the reason is... I have ADHD myself! The way he blinks quickly when flustered, struggles to fully process conversations, forgets things often, or seems clumsy—all of that reminds me of myself. Sometimes, people even describe him as childlike because of it. The difference, though, is that when Taemin does those "quirky" things, people find it endearing and cute. But when I act that way, I just come across as an immature adult… which is kind of sad lol. Anyway, getting back on track, the things you discussed with others about this topic really intrigued me because I’ve noticed some of these traits in Taemin too. For example, there’s that story about how Taemin didn’t practice choreography on his first day as BoA’s “Only One” partner but instead practiced making eye contact with her. (I love this story so much. I think I read it in an interview somewhere, but I can’t find the original source anymore…) It reminds me of how people often say that autistic individuals have difficulty maintaining eye contact. I don’t know if Taemin still struggles with that, though. Another thing that stood out to me was during SHINee’s comeback show for “HARD,” when Key, Minho, and Taemin went camping. Kibum said something along the lines of, “Taemin is just a quirky, weird person.” I really liked that comment because it highlights how SHINee treats Taemin with extra care. Sure, part of it is because he’s the maknae, but if you look closely, you can see the way they unconsciously accommodate him—like simplifying their words to make them easier for him to understand. It’s like they’re subtly acknowledging that Taemin is different but without making a big deal out of it. They treat him the same as always, just with a touch of extra consideration. Oh, and sometimes, when he makes random sounds with his mouth, it feels a bit like a form of stimming. Anyway, I have way too many thoughts to write them all down! I’d love to know your thoughts about these things. And if you have any other insights I haven’t heard, please share them! I absolutely love discussing this kind of stuff.

hello !! sorry it took me so long to respond, i saw your message when you sent it and it made me so happy i didn't know what to say ^_^ i hope you're still using tumblr lol. i'll put my response in the read-more since its so long

first off, thank you for coming to me for taemin autism discussion, one day i will be the king of taemin autism. i did know about the key being gay thing !! i'm curious how many fans feel the same about taemin neurodivergency or if its just you and me lol. i dont know how it is in korea, but in america the public perception of autism only started to change very recently

yeah i remember the adhd thing ! that really stood out to me as well ! autism and adhd are so closely related, it would make so much sense to think you have one but actually have the other, or it could be the things i was flagging as autistic traits were actually traits of adhd (though, i think he said he realised its not adhd, which makes me think maybe autism). i can definitely relate to the immaturity as well, as someone with autism :') taemin is so lucky, people will love what he does no matter what lol.. and since he's a creator, he gets to be judged by his creations rather than his social interaction (lucky)

i remember the boa thing as well !! its so sweet and funny to me, it reminds me so much of myself. i always see people saying like "how would he be able to be an idol if he had autism" but i think it makes perfect sense if you consider HOW he became an idol. which was, not being happy in school and skipping days, and then getting a job doing what he's passionate about (to avoid school) and then doing the same career for half his life. honestly i would have jumped at the opportunity as an undiagnosed child lol, i had to get so many accommodations just to graduate at all x_x also, i don't want to call his job easy but, it doesn't seem like it would be so bad for an autistic. (yes the concerts are loud, but loud isn't the same as overstimulating, i think a lot of people misunderstand this about sensory processing) like, he has people all around him all the time taking care of his needs or making schedules for him, and a lot of interviews and such are very repetitive. though i love when he says some random stuff in interviews, like when he can't shut up about his cats, or that era where he kept talking about billiards lol

shinee are really sweet to him, honestly i think that's part of why he's made it so far !! some people expect autism to be miserable, and yeah there are some issues that are unavoidable, but i think most of the problems come from lack of support. so someone like taemin who has had SO many supportive people from day 1 is going to be pretty well off !! and yeah his noises are absolutely stimming (tbh i think anyone can stim, people try to make it an autism-only word but i disagree :p) now that he has the kitties he's realised how fun it is to meow, he's unstoppable now lol (also sorry to stereotype, but 99% of autistics are cat people, so this also makes sense for him)

i'm curious if he speaks in any sort of "strange" or "unique" way from a korean perspective ? a lot of autistics sort of enunciate in a certain way (not all of us), but since i'm american i cant really notice the difference in korean accents or intonations, i wish i could :(

the last thing i want to say is… it's not bad to be autistic !!! its so nice to be able to talk with other people who don't see it as an insult, because sometimes when it's brought up, people act like we're being so disrespectful to him -_- but it's not a bad thing !! i know that i don't know him and i could be wrong, but i don't know why its so bad to talk about the possibility. i don't know what difference it would make, other than having something in common with my favorite idol (so maybe i do have an agenda a little bit, lol) whether its autism or adhd or just general quirkiness, i can definitely see aspects of myself in him and thats awesome ^_^

[laugtherhyena]

So fun fact about me and the another series; I found out about it back in 2018 just one or two weeks before Ch3 came out and spend the next 3 or 4 years being hooked onto the game until the fixation died down and only returned to me around August or September of lasy year.

Meaning that through 2/3s of Sdra2 i was able to see the chapters as they were coming out and that's honestly something i wish more people in the current fandom could have experienced because it was so fun seeing the hype around a chapter that's soon to come out spike up with all kinds of theories, predictions and people hoping their favorites won't die (i remember i even had a dream once where chapter 5 released and Teruya murdered Iroha by tying her into a train track and waiting for it to run over her after she came to him and told him about being a void and he was like, trying to get rid of all remaining void by killing Iroha himself and wining the class trial, which would in kill Mikado too. Wild shit, but it's a dream you know?). And of course, whenever a new chapter did release the entire fandom would collectively freak out for the entire day as random instagram accs posted Cgs and bits of roughly translated information through the day alongside the deaths and executions and this hype around the newest chapter would sprout all kinds of art, edits and more theories for the following month or two.

All around awesome experience? Not exactly. Because this also means i got to see Linuj's crazy plot twist as they were being revealed and here's where we get to the actual subject of this long ramble/rant; Kokoro Mitsume and how i really wish i could have spoiled myself of what happens in Ch0 because that would have spared me of so much pain.

And let me tell you, when i say pain, i am by no means exaggerating. You people have no idea how much i cried when Ch0 came out. My little 15 year old head was going through the 5 stages of grief over that plot twist, that shit didn't even feel real to me until one or two days after its release.

One thing you gotta know about me is that before i became the Ayame person™ Kokoro was my absolute favorite character of the another series, and if you know me for even just a little while then you know how insanely attached i am to her despite being a minor character who dies 1/3 of the way through the game.

Like, y'all don't understand, i was so happy when i saw that one Cg of her and Mikado in my timeline, so genuinely ecstatic to see more of her after i thought her character done with since the events of Ch2. Can you magine how i felt after watching the character i adored so so much turn out to be a vile human being? I was genuinely so distraught man, i spent a good while being one of those people that ignored everything about the characters irl selves because that twist hurt me so damn much, but even then i was never able to look at that character the same way again, even now she just makes me feel bad.

And it's s not that i think Kokoro is the worst person to have ever existed, i like antagonist/villain characters who've done much worse than her, hell, I don't even think her character was absolutely ruined or anything. When i think about Mitsume nowadays i genuinely find her an interesting case of a good person with big plans who lacked a proper support system or even friends which led her down a path where she became cold and cruel without a semblance of care for her own family so long as she could work on her project, and seeing the difference between the Kokoro we see as a teen and her adult self just makes all of this even more heartbreaking. I still like her, is just that having my perception of this character be completely shattered when Ch0 came out permanently affected how i view her and as much as i still enjoy her character even now I can't help but simultaneously hate her for how she made me feel ❤️

[unhitches-similes]

20 Questions for Fanfic Writers

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13 (current penname)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

122,174 (current penname)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Under my current penname: Marvel/MCU, Stargate SG-1 & Atlantis, and Miraculous Ladybug--but I have ideas for fics in other fandoms!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Eidetic Image (T) Marvel

The Stand-In (G) Marvel - Stony

How to Avoid Thinking (E) Marvel - IronHawk

You Wanna Go (on a Date with Me)?! (T) Marvel - Stony

Change is All (T) - SG-1

5. Do you respond to comments? Why? Why not?

Yes, absolutely. That said, it can occasionally take me months to do so, especially on my older works, because I leave them in my inbox and hoard them like a dragon because they make me so happy.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I really should write more angst, tbh... that said, the only fic I currently have that can really be called angsty and ends without a happy ending is Worse Than Myth.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I would say Eidetic Image has a happy ending, if you don't count the teaser/cliffhanger that is the epilogue. Otherwise probably Change is All?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've been writing fanfiction in some form for 20+ years and posting for nearly as long, so I've definitely gotten a few hate comments over the years, but nothing on any of my recent stuff. In part because I'm not that known, probably.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, and it really depends on the muse.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't really write any crazy crossovers, although technically, most of my Marvel fics are a fusion of various Marvel sources (MCU, 616, etc.) and I've also got a crossover between SG-1 and Atlantis, but they're really the same fandom families and don't really count as real crossovers, imo.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge and it's my hope that I never do.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I had several translated under my previous penname, but none of my recent stuff; I've divorced myself from the fandom in question.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Under a previous penname, yes.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Asking a shipper's favorite ship is cruel and unusual, but it's probably almost definitely IronHawk or Stuckony. Also Spirk. I also really love the Lovesquare in all its permutations.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't have an WIPs currently being posted for this very reason. So many ideas. With my motivation and butterfly brain, I'll never finish them all.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'm pretty great with dialogue and emotive scenes, I think? I'm not sure--please let me know!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Not actually writing even though I really want to. I also struggle with action scenes, but everyone says they always come out fine, so I'm not sure.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Oh. Oh, this is a bad question to ask me.

Listen, if the readers are supposed to understand what's being said, then freaking write it in the same language as the rest of fic and italicize to indicate it's in a different language. If I have to go hunting for a goddamn translation, or scroll back and forth to the mf-ing notes, when I'm supposed to know what's being said, odds are very high that I'm going to simply stop reading a fic. It's bad writing. Yes, I said it. It's bad writing--it's your job as a writer to make sure a reader can understand what they need to without making them jump through hoops. If your "aesthetic" matters more to you than making your narrative readily accessible to your readers, you need to rethink having another language being spoken. That said, if readers aren't supposed to understand what is said (or it's obvious/doesn't matter in the case of, like, spells or something), or you work the translation into the story right away, I'm all for it. Those are the only times I find it acceptable to actually have another language that's spoken written in a language different from the rest of the narrative.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Cats (the 1998 video, not that 2019 monstrosity)

20. Favorite fics you’ve written?

I'm really rather proud of Eidetic Image despite its numerous and varied flaws, as well as The Seeds of Great Enterprises. I also really had a lot of fun writing my Miraculous BFF-swap story Crushes and Antics.

Thank you so much for tagging me, @hamsteriffic! <3 I think I shall give a poke to... ahhhhh--anyone who sees this and might wanna do it as well! I lack the temerity to ask anyone apart from Hamster or Waffle lol

[ketilsfarm]

Here I'll address people's actual issue with me: there's one of me, I stand out, and they instinctively feel, with that bully's instinct we all have deep down, that they can get away with picking on me.

Because what are the charges here? No one has pretended to think I'm dangerous. Some people have pretended to think this about Askefinn shippers, but the pretense is laughable, because they all still follow open Askefinn shippers and retweet their art. As for me: the people who disrespected the work that went into to my translations didn't think I was dangerous. They clicked on my nasty blog and read all my nasty words to screenshot and spread around. They even trusted me to give them an accurate translation. They just didn't want anyone to know where they got that information, and they felt they were in the right precisely because they knew they could get away with it. They know how fandom treats people like me these days.

One person who had proshippers in their DNI went on my blog of their own free will, and proceeded to happily offer uncredited screenshots of my evil work to a well-known Askefinn shipper. I'm well aware that no one but me actually bothers checking people's bios or follows to see who's okay with what, so why this nonstop lying about how much everyone hates proshippers? None of you care enough to take the very basic steps that would keep them away from you. You interact with them all the time, and you only start whining when you get scared that someone will figure out how little you really care.

What people really want isn't for proshippers to vanish. We're recognized as useful resources to mine for free content. What people want is the freedom to take and spread whatever they want from us, without having to get called out for doing so. They want to interact at their own discretion, using us for art and fics of their favorite characters while reserving the right to call us sick, disgusting freaks when we post something that confronts them with their own hypocrisy. It doesn't matter how many warnings you put up. People will ignore them, interact with you anyway, and then if someone notices, they'll scream at you long enough to prove they're Different From You.

Look at this fandom. Everyone acts like they're too stupid to ever learn what 🦉😾 or アシェトル mean, so they can go on following the useful machines who spit out pretty art of their blorbos. You all know exactly what you're doing, and you know you'll throw these people under the bus the second it becomes inconvenient. You'll call them dangerous freaks who tricked you into following them for years on end. You all must understand that Japanese fans think you all love Askefinn, because you follow them, when they're very open about what they like? And you retweet their art all the time (often it's the Askefinn art) and regularly like their tweets in Japanese that don't mention Askefinn. It's so obvious you see the Askefinn tweets too and think you're being slick by ignoring them.

Next charge: Torgrim and Atli are minor characters. I'm bad and weird for caring about them and writing a lot about them. I like my favorites "too much", as some have said.

Okay. You got me. They're minor characters. What's wrong with that? We've established that the incest is just a pretext that most people find funny and cringe instead of horrifying or triggering or dangerous, so why do I need to be bullied for liking minor characters? Aren't we in fandom? The place where people come when they care "too much"? People write about other minor characters. They put a lot of time and effort into OCs and self-inserts who don't exist in canon at all. Is that funny? Are they stealing something from you?

In a different fandom, I'd say it's because Torgrim and Atli are over 25 and have facial hair, but that's less likely here. What's different about them compared to Asgeir or even Bjorn? We know roughly the same number of facts about Torgrim and Atli compared to Asgeir. Bjorn is a more prominent character, but we know exactly one thing about his past. The same is true of Torgrim and Atli. They appear in several very pivotal scenes, and they're actually characterized pretty heavily in that small amount of time. We know who they value, what they value, their weak points, a few different lies they tell themselves and others, several points of difference between them. They're set apart from the other members of the band by their close relationship with each other. They have a unique fighting style, even though we never see it: they fight together, back to back, something that no one else in the series does. They claim they can do this because they're so close they can read each other's minds, and they must come pretty close if they're able to fight like that. They have an absolutely tragic fate that's still very beautiful because of the genuine love Atli shows his brother, and then Atli appears again and we see even more tragedy.

So what is it? Why is it funny or strange to find them interesting? Is it really entirely because Torgrim is fat and becomes disabled?

"The Atli freak". That's Torgrim and Atli freak to you! Why assume Atli is the one I really care about?

What's the difference? There's no physical difference, except for Atli and Torgrim being infinitely cuter, sexier and more handsome. Torgrim has no eyebrows. Fair enough. Neither does Bjorn. Nobody acts confused that Bjorn fans love Bjorn. How is one weirder than the other, except that people have already decided I inherently deserve every word they feel like saying about me?

Next up: It's not fair that my ships have Big Numbers and other people's ships don't. My response: you're right. I'm better than you. I'm sorry you're a lazy fucking loser who doesn't create anything for your ship. If not for my thoughtless actions, you never would've had to learn how inferior you are.

Next: More than one person has accused me of secretly wanting to write incest Th*rnute, or Canute/Harald. This would be very bad, they say, while typing out feverish threads about this idea that came from their heads, not mine. The only thing holding me back, they allege, is the characters not being related or not getting enough screentime. Answer: I don't do commissions, sorry. You'll have to find someone else to make your dream a reality. I'm not sure why you saw someone who's written 100+ fics about Torgrim and Thorgil fucking, and decided that I actually find Thorfinn and Canute irresistibly attractive, but I've learned that a lot of people, when they like a popular character, lose something called "theory of mind". They can't imagine a person who isn't hot for their man. It's incomprehensible. When I write about other characters having sex, I disturb their view of reality where their own favorites have to be the center of the universe for every single person in the world. That makes them angry at me, and they have to resolve this by inventing fanfiction about how disgusting it would be if I, the grossest, sickest person ever, did the thing they themselves are fantasizing about.

You know how I mentioned that only one singular person has ever expressed disgust that I write about Olmar getting raped? Think about Torgrim. The last time we see him, he's mentally regressed to the age of a small child. I'd say no older than six from the way he acts. I don't happen to write Atli and him being romantic or sexual when he's in that condition. But I don't exactly put a disclaimer in all my summaries. You might not know unless you read my fics.

Nobody, not one single, solitary person, has ever said they're bothered that I might be writing about a heavily disabled person being sexually abused. So there's no genuine concern that what I write is offensive or harmful. No one is really concerned about the characters being "harmed" the way people are harmed by real incest. No one has suggested I might do these things in real life. It's always just gross. Weird. I'm writing for characters and ships that don't "deserve" it.

In another fandom, maybe my role would be filled by selfshippers, but here, there are enough of them that people know they'll stick together and defend selfshipping if someone tries to do cringe culture shit on them. If someone calls Askefinn shippers weird and gross, I'm sure that sucks to see, but a lot of the time, it could be any of you. If someone mentions The Incest Shipper, it can only be me. If that person takes things further, or if someone else sees their comment and freaks out and takes things further, I'm the only potential target. Have I let anything personal slip in an unguarded moment? Is there some route to reply to me that I didn't close off? Is there some new groupchat out there where people are still talking about me? That's what I have to worry about every time I see a little offhand comment about how gross I am. Maybe you only thought about me for 10 seconds, but I can never be sure of that. One of the first things people did to me here was secretly stalk me in that groupchat.

I can't afford to appeal to people's sympathy with the story of how hard my life is, because once you're labeled the acceptable target, people will use any vulnerability to hurt you even worse. Once that abuse victim stench is on you, it's on you for life and people can smell it a mile away. Every blow knocks you a little closer to the ground. So no details.

But look, is it really so ridiculous that someone could find this meaningful and care about these characters? There are disabled people in fandom too. Or are you just on the hunt for a quick laugh at someone's expense, and picking the easiest possible target? If you're capable of feeling sympathy for anyone, consider that if you see someone who's easy to laugh at, a lot of other people have probably done the same thing already. As time goes by, it wears a person down.

[wolfsbanesparks]

Bouncing in here like a madman again

Do you think Captain Marvel (seperate from Billy) considers the Wizard SHAZAM as their father as a sort of creator and creation relationship? Giving room for Billy and grandpa wizard relationship kinda?

I've had a lot of sugar today, so I'm not sure how that sounds, but I kept thinking about your fic, "Split", and how if things took a different turn and Captain Marvel revealed he existed because of the Wizard, would the JL come to the assumption that the wizard was his father/Billy's grandfather?

Or if things took an angstier turn, if Captain Marvel let slip accidentally that he didn't believe that the death of Billy's mother (and actual father) was a genuine accident/had suspicions about it, how would they react? Would they suspect the wizard bc of all the suspicions they're having? Also, I'm not sure if I remember, but did the JL get to have a conversation with the wizard?

Kinda factors into that one ask I sent before, where the gods killed the parents of the champions of magic to challenge and prepare them without them knowing, which might include the wizard, too. (Sorry, I re watched the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 recently and it's been doing numbers on my little mind)

In all seriousness you could write an AU for your fics and we'd eat it all up and ask for seconds because your writing creates a universe of wonder for us.

That was a lot, wow :0

Okay first of all you are so sweet! It's driving me crazy (in a good way) that I can discuss AUs of my fics!

I think that the Wizard already plays a sort of wise grandfather figure to Billy (in my preferred version of him) regardless of Captain Marvel's feelings towards the Wizard.

But I think it's totally logical for Captain Marvel to think of the Wizard as a creator figure, especially in his current incarnation since it was just Shazam who made him instead of a full Wizard's Council. There's respect between them, but Marvel also wants to make Shazam proud, wants to prove he's a good Champion. And I think that can translate to a father-son type dynamic even if it's a lot more complicated than that.

If we're talking Split in particular, the JL "met" the Wizard but Shazam didn't bother talking to any of them so their many confusions and suspicions didn't get brought up to him directly.

But if they had reason to believe Shazam was Marvel’s father, Flash in particular would have been having a freak out because the Wizard would have gone from possibly sketchy mentor to controlling and possibly abusive father/grandfather. He might have even had more people on his side if that was the case (especially if we add in the idea that the Batsons were killed as some kind of test of Billy’s pure heart).

There would still be those who insist that they shouldn't get in the middle of their complicated and potentially messy family situation. But there would also be those who wonder if Marvel had a choice in becoming a hero if his father was the one who imbued him with his powers because it was his "destiny". I can definitely picture Marvel bluescreening if someone asked him if he'd had a choice in being a hero (he didn't, and Billy didn't either) or if he'd ever wanted something else for himself (it had never occurred to him that he could be anything else because he was created to fight evil). His answer would definitely send up some red flags to whoever he's talking to.

There are so many cool ways having people think Shazam is Marvel’s father could play out and it would be so fun to explore that.

And since you mentioned it, while I don’t currently have plans to write an AU of my fics, I AM completely open to other people writing AUs of my fics if they are inspired enough to do it! So long as you credit me as the original author/check the Inspired By box when you post, I encourage you to go for it!

[daddyyy88]

Lo’ak x Omaticaya!reader

if you’d like you can reblog my original work, but please don’t post it without credit. if you take inspiration from my ideas please tag me, I’d like to see how someone else would write it

word count: 8.7k

warnings: mentions of death, mentions of infection, smut, readers mom dies, ?

summary: honestly I have no idea what this is it was supposed to be a small little blurb about Lo’ak talking to Kiri about his crush on y/n and then this happened…it’s basically a story of how Lo’ak x reader’s relationship started

anything in bold like this in the middle of a sentence means it’s either Na’vi or meant to be in Na’vi but I don’t trust the translation websites so I just use the few words I know and make do with it💀

sorry this took sooo long! I’m on spring break and I kinda took a break cause I’ve been feeling a little out of it and I think I’m gonna fulfill a request and then continue taking a break. I’m not sure yet, just feeling kinda lazy lately 🤷‍♀️

You and Kiri had been inseparable for years. You had a similar situation to her, your father died when you were young and your mother had been very overwhelmed with the loss of her mate and taking care of a young child and it made her sick, and she is still very sick to this day.

You understood what it felt like to feel like a freak, like you’re not like everyone else. You’d always been secretly jealous of her, though. She got a second chance at having a family with the Sullys. Your mother was too weak to even speak some days, and had spent most of the last year in a healers tent.

You knew your mother was going to join Eywa soon, and it had been bringing you down lately. Kiri noticed you didn’t come to see her as much, and you always seemed like you had been crying. She felt terrible for you, although her biological mother was unresponsive and for all intents and purposes dead, at least she could watch all those videos and get to spend time with her avatar body in the pod.

“Hey…is y/n okay?” Lo’ak asked Kiri. She looked up from the top she was making for Neytiri since hers was starting to become worn out. She sighed and said “she’s a strong girl, she will make it through this”

“What is “this”? No matter who I ask, no one will tell me what is troubling her” he said and Kiri looked down. She sighed softly and whispered “y/n’s mom is dying. She has been for years, after her father died she couldn’t take care of herself and y/n and it started to make her sick, and then she got hurt while hunting once and it got infected. It’s been 3 years, and Mo’at said she doesn’t have much time. She cannot walk at all or even sit up anymore, she can barely talk, she can only drink her meals and she’s always sleeping. She’s all y/n has left, so it’s really hard on her”

“No…no, no the great mother would never do that to her,” Lo’ak said, shaking his head. Kiri bit her lip and said “I’m sorry Lo’ak. If there’s anybody who wishes different for her it’s me” “why hasn’t she told anyone?” He asked and Kiri wiped a tear away.

“She just doesn’t want anyone to pity her and force her into being with her mom all the time. It’s why she hasn’t hunted in so long, she wants to be there when she passes but it’ll kill her to truly watch her wither away so agonizingly” Kiri said softly, sniffling a little.

She felt so bad for you. She couldn’t imagine truly watching her mother die. “I-Is she okay? How is she doing? Do you think I should bring her some food or something?” He asked and Kiri chuckled.

“Why do you care so much, penis face? You got a crush?” She asked, trying to lighten the mood. Lo’ak shook his head and said “ugh, shut up Kiri” “oh my god, you do! You’ve got a crush on my best friend! Ew!” She said and laughed, making Lo’ak blush hard.

She kept nagging him until he finally said “fine, I like her! I really freaking like her!” “Oh my god, no way! Good luck trying to get her to fall in love with you!” She said and giggled. Lo’ak sighed and said “shut up! I see you drooling every time you even hear Ketu’s name!”

“She’s too pretty for you anyways! Penis face!” She said and Lo’ak blushed. He chuckled and said “Prettier than you!” She gasped and threw a vine she cut off from the top earlier at him. She shook her said “so what do you like about her?”

“Stop, Kiri” he said and groaned. She smiled and said “come on, tell me!” “I just…well I liked her smile at first. A-And I thought she was pretty” he said softly, fiddling with a bracelet you gifted him for his birthday.

“Anddd?” Kiri said, giggling. Lo’ak groaned and said “you’re so annoying” “ugh, whatever. Just don’t try to really go for her right now. She’s hurt, and she’s gonna need time to heal when she loses her mom. It would help if you were there to comfort her though, don’t you think?” Kiri said and he nodded.

What they didn’t know, was that you were coming to talk to Kiri just a few seconds after Lo’ak and heard the entire conversation. You blush slightly, dry tears from thinking about your mom staining your skin.

You rustled the leaves and then shook the flap of the tent to get their attention. “Hey, can I come in?” You asked, wiping your face to get rid of the evidence of tears.

You came in and sat between Lo’ak and Kiri, talking like everything was normal. You could see Lo’ak staring at you from the corner of your eye, and Kiri not so secretly mocking him.

You noticed Lo’ak trying to be around you more often, bringing you gifts and food. It made you fall for him even harder.

You had just gotten ready for your birthday celebration, you had gotten quite dressed up since you hadn’t gotten a chance to do that in a while and you wanted to feel beautiful tonight.

Your mother was getting worse and worse. You knew she had mere weeks, maybe even days left. You just wanted a distraction. It had been 3 months since you overheard Lo’ak talking to Kiri. Things had changed quite a bit.

2 weeks after that, he confessed that he’d been so kind because he knew about your mother. You cried softly as you thanked him for not judging you or treating you like glass. Sure he’d been bringing you gifts and sort of taking care of you, but he wasn’t actually treating you differently.

You confessed that you knew about Lo’ak’s feelings and even though he was terrified, he made sure you knew how he truly felt. “I…I-I really like you, y/n. I know we’re not the closest but I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re…you’re an amazing woman and any man in the clan would be lucky to have you, but I really want to be that man. O-Oel ngati kameie, y/n” he said and you instantly began to cry more.

You hugged him, crying into his chest softly. You ended up kissing him for the first time that night, promising yourself to him. He told you you didn’t have to, and that he knew you weren’t in the best place right now. You didn’t care, you knew then and there that Lo’ak was the one. Just for good measure, Atokirina made its way over to the two of you. Eventually, there were Atokirina lining up and down each other's arms to your joint hands, making him realize you were telling the truth.

Your relationship blossomed into something beautiful, trully. Neytiri and Jake loved you even more, you kept Lo’ak in line and made him really happy. Kiri pretended she was disgusted but she was glad you had someone to take care of you and love you and she trusted that her brother was the perfect person for you.

Now, you were celebrating your 20th birthday and you looked divine. Your hair was let down from the signature braids you usually wore, you had a few framing your face and forming a beautiful crown that eventually came together and was held by a beautiful blue flower. You made yourself a new top and loincloth, the top accentuating your breasts more than you thought and making Lo’ak drool over you all night. Your loincloth matched, with similar sage green stones you’d found by a river added across the covering and you even made matching waist beads and other jewelry. You really went all out this year.

Lo’ak thought you looked absolutely stunning. He truly believed Eywa had perfected you herself, he felt so lucky to be the man you wanted most.

You spent the morning flying your ikran with Lo’ak and the afternoon with your mother, she seemed to be getting stronger out of nowhere, she ate a little bit of your breakfast and even held a conversation with you for a bit. She was so proud of the woman you’d become, and loved the outfit you made for your birthday.

“What do you think, ma sa’nok?” You asked her, twirling to show the full outfit including your hair. She smiled and said “nífrakrr, lenrra, ‘itetsyìp” (as always, proud, little daughter). You smiled as well, sitting next to her and holding her hand. You kissed it softly and said “I wish you could be at the celebration tonight, mother”

“Don’t worry, my daughter. I want you to celebrate yourself, and your achievements tonight. Promise me you’ll tell me all about it in the morning, yes?” She said with a wink. You blushed softly, she was encouraging you to take it further with Lo’ak constantly. You shook your head and said “promise,”

Lo’ak came in and said “oel ngati kameie, Mäti” and gestured towards your mother. She smiled and said “za’u, ‘evengan” (come, boy). He sat on the other side of her, grabbing her hand softly. She sighed and said “make sure she has fun tonight”

“Nìlun,” (of course) Lo’ak promised. He looked at you and smiled as he said “you look very, beautiful, my love. Someone might steal you from me tonight” You blushed softly, thanking him. Of course he brought your mother some berries that his mother had left over from lunch as well as matching flowers to put in both of your hair.

You loved how much he cared for your mother. It made you feel lucky, and you know if something ever happened to you you had the best mate possible to comfort you. She eventually forced you out to go celebrate and smiled as she watched the two of you giggle as you ran out.

Mo’at was visiting everyone in the tents to check up on them. That’s when she realized it. “Mäti…I know you know why you feel better” she said and Mäti looked away. She sighed and said “No…no, no please please do whatever you have to do. I can’t do that to her. She is finally feeling happy with that boy, and it’s her birthday, Mo’at”

“It is not under our control. I’m so sorry, Mäti…..I tried, I really tried” Mo’at told her, holding her hand.

“Y/n!” Tuk said as she ran to you. You smiled and picked her up, twirling her around. You kissed her head and she giggled, playing with the new feathers you put in your hair. “You look so pretty!” She said and you thanked her.

“What a fine young woman in my tent, someone should claim her as theirs soon, don’t you think Ma Jake?” Neytiri said, shoving Lo’ak slightly. He rolled his eyes and you blushed softly, looking down. Jake winced at his mate’s bluntness. He chuckled and said “I see you have chosen a mate for Lo’ak”

He spoke cautiously, knowing she was getting annoyed with how long he had taken to find someone. Now all she wants is for the two of you to mate so you keep him in line and make him happy.

“You guys are so annoying. Tell her Happy Birthday” Lo’ak said, trying to stop from blushing and cursing his tail for giving away how excited he was thinking about the two of you mating. He wrapped it around your thigh, pulling you a little closer.

You spent some time with them, but as eclipse began it was time to begin the celebrations. You feasted and enjoyed delicious meat prepared by Jake and a few of the other men in the clan and some other dishes Neytiri and Mo’at made for you.

You danced for hours, sometimes with Lo’ak but then Kiri and Tuk wanted to steal you. Lo’ak smiled as he watched you. You looked gorgeous. And you were so goddamn happy. He wished he could stay in this moment forever.

“Lo’ak, come!” You said, grabbing his hand. You two had been dancing to this particular beat since you were kids. You were always friends, even if you weren’t best friends you still hung out solely with him every now and then before you began dating. Dancing to this beat was your very own special thing you had with each other.

You smiled as you both remembered the steps and everything. You could see his fangs as he grinned boyishly, his eyes lit up with love and adoration for you. Neytiri and Jake cheered you on, making you both laugh as you realized everyone was watching.

As soon as it was over, he pulled you into his arms and you sighed, resting your head on his chest. Neteyam wolf whistled making everyone laugh, well those who knew what it meant anyways.

“Look at you, skxawng” He said and shoved him jokingly. Lo’ak shook his head and said “shut up, you’re just jealous!” You giggled and said “stop it, Lo’ak. Enough bickering with your brother. Be nice. God, if this is how you and Neteyam are I wonder how our kids will behave”

You didn’t realize how big of a comment you’d made. Our kids. You wanted kids with him? You wanted him to father your children? He felt so lucky, so grateful. He recovered quickly, laughing about it and kissing your head.

Another hour or so and you two ran off so you could do something you’d done every year since you could remember. “Utral Aymokriyä?” Lo’ak asked and you chuckled. You nodded and said “I like to listen to my fathers voice every year…this year I’m also listening for grandmother and grandfather as well since my mother can’t come and listen herself”

“You’re so sweet” he said and caressed your cheek, pecking your lips softly. You chuckled and grabbed his hand, running over to the tree. You smiled and connected your kuru to the tree. You chuckled as you heard the voices of your ancestors, closing your eyes.

Lo’ak hugged you from behind, caressing your waist softly. “Do you ever come here?” You asked after you disconnected from the tree. Lo’ak shrugged and said “sometimes. It’s never been a big priority for me, although maybe it should seeing as it makes you so happy”

You shook your head and he grabbed his kuru, connecting it to the tree. He hummed, listening to the voices as he felt your tail caress his back. You kissed his shoulder, resting your head on his arm.

He disconnected and smiled down at you. You smiled, pulling away. You twirled through the glowing vines and ran your hands over them. “You’re so gorgeous…” he said as he watched you, making you stop and blush.

He walked over and said “I’m serious. You’re as perfect as it gets, y/n. Eywa really outdid herself creating you” You looked away, embarrassed. He loved everything about you, but if there was one thing he could change it would be your reluctance to accept his compliments.

“My love, I am serious. Eywa, you look incredible tonight. I can barely keep myself together on a regular day, tonight has just made me crazy for you” he said and cupped your cheeks, pressing your foreheads together. You felt something pressing against your lower stomach and you looked down, realizing it was him.

“Shit- I’m sorry,” he said and pulled away, turning around and clearing his throat. You hugged him from behind and said “don’t hide it from me…I want to know how I make you feel” “y/n…no, no we must wait” he said and took a deep breath as you started to touch him over his loincloth.

You kissed his arm and said “it’s my birthday, Lo’ak. Shouldn’t the birthday girl get what she wants?” “Y/n…” he said and cleared his throat. You moved so you were facing him, looking up at him as you were nearly a foot shorter.

He took a deep breath, his gaze dropping from your eyes to your plump lips, then your breasts. He quickly regained himself, looking you in the eye. You licked your lips, placing your hands on his chest. You bit your lip and said “please, Ma Lo’ak. I want you”

He cupped your cheeks and kissed you softly, gently placing a hand on your waist. You pulled away after a few moments, smiling at him. He tapped your thigh and you jumped up, wrapping your legs around his hips.

He bent down, laying you gently on the ground. “I want to be mated to you forever, Lo’ak” you said and he smiled. He tucked your hair behind your ear and kissed you again.

“Oel ngati kameie” he said against your lips. You smiled and flipped the two of you over, kissing down his neck as you caressed his biceps. He rested his hands on your hips and you smiled through the kiss.

You pulled away, panting softly. You pressed your forehead against his and said “Oel ngati kameie” Eywa, the way you said it nearly had him ruining his loincloth.

You reached back and grabbed your braid, bringing it forward. The pink tendrils twitching and searching for something to connect to. He took a deep breath and you could tell he was really nervous.

“We don’t have to…I’ll wait as long as I have to for you” you said and he blushed. Atokirina slowly surrounded you, seemingly dancing in the circle and a few others flew around the two of you. He nodded, trusting Eywa and especially trusting you.

He brought his braid forward and made tsaheylu with you, closing his eyes. You gasped, a small whimper coming out. You placed a hand on his chest, keeping yourself upright as you felt something…euphoric.

You could feel Lo’ak’s heartbeat, his breath. You sense how nervous yet excited he was. You could hear his thoughts as well. “Oh Eywa,” he whispered, opening his eyes. You breathed shakily as you gulped and opened your eyes.

He smiled up at you and you smiled back. You shook your head and said “I’m so in love with you,” “I know. I can feel it” he said and you teared up a little. You could too. You could feel how his heart swelled with adoration, him thinking about making you feel amazing and cuddling under the stars with you afterwards.

You slowly worked your top off, making his eyes widen. Sure he had accidentally seen them a few times as the tops the Omaticaya women wore weren’t exactly the best at actually covering them, but oh my god they were even better fully bare and up close.

“Y-Y/n…” he said, looking up at you. You smiled and said “yes…” “you’re so beautiful” he said softly, his eyes dropping to your breasts again. He kissed your left boob softly, trailing kisses towards the valley of your breasts and then your right boob.

You moaned a little as he kissed your nipple, threading a hand through his hair. “You’re beautiful, Lo’ak” you said and he whined as he suckled a hickey onto your boob.

“Baby…” he groaned, squeezing your hips slightly. You chuckled and kissed his head, removing your arm band. He was lost between your boobs, not a single thought going through his head besides you. You moaned softly when he suckled directly on your nipple, kitten licking it and making you moan even more.

When he was done you were already a mess, loincloth nearly soaked, flushed cheeks, panting a little. He smirked and untied his loincloth, revealing a third leg. You didn’t think he’d be that big. Sure you’d caught glimpses here and there of him but he was still covered by the loincloth.

And sure, he seemed like he was packing decently but this was crazy. He was really thick too, you could probably get your entire hand around him but barely. You gasped when it bobbed and right under your breasts, your eyes widened and he chuckled at your reaction.

“What’s wrong?” He asked knowingly. You looked at him and then back at his cock, unable to keep your eyes off of it. It was pretty, just like him. “I-It…you’re too big, Lo’ak, th-there's no way that’s going to fit” you said and he chuckled.

He kissed you softly and said “we’ll make it fit. Promise. Last thing I want to do is hurt you” You nodded and he smiled and caressed your cheek. His tail slowly wrapped itself around your thigh making you blush a little.

He helped you remove your loincloth but stopped you from taking off your waist beads, Eywa they just accentuate your figure so nicely. He kissed you softly and slowly trailed his hand down to your pussy gathering your slick and teasing a finger at your entrance.

You bit your lip and sighed shakily, moaning softly when he massaged your clit with his thumb. You whimpered, clenching as you ached to be full. “Lo’ak…I need more,” you pleaded, pawing at his chest.

He squeezed your thigh with his other hand and slipped a finger in, slowly thrusting it and seeing how it made you feel. You breathed shakily, leaning down to kiss him. “More,” you whispered against his lips and his cock twitched, you drove him fucking crazy.

“Baby…” he said and you whimpered. He slipped another finger in and warmth blossomed between your legs as you gushed around him with need. He smiled and thrusted his fingers a few times before curling them to find your g spot.

When he could feel the intensified pleasure through tsaheylu and your gasp accompanied with a loud moan, he knew he had found it. “Oh…oh Eywa,” you moaned, placing a hand on his chest and pressing down slightly as he worked you to an orgasm as fast as he could.

“Feels good?” He asked, he could already feel it through tsaheylu but he wanted to hear it from you. You whimpered and nodded, gasping softly as he went faster. You buried your head into his chest, your cunt clenching as you rocked your hips slightly against his skillful fingers.

“Can feel you squeezin my fingers. That good, princess?” He asked and you took a deep breath as you started to feel that tingly feeling in your lower belly. “Lo’ak!” You moaned when he started rubbing your clit harder.

You looked so beautiful above him, pussy clenching around his fingers. Moaning his name. It did something to him, and made him go crazy. You whimpered as he abused your most sensitive spots, already bringing you to an orgasm faster than you ever have yourself and it’s only the first time.

“Lo’ak, ohh it feels so good!” You moaned and he smiled. He lifted your head and kissed you, your legs beginning to shake. You whimpered and pulled away, moans filling the surrounding forest around you as your breath became heavy and fast.

Tears filled your eyes as you said “I’m cumming- I- I- ahh!” You came harder than you ever have before, barely able to hold yourself up anymore. Lo’ak smiled as you started to squirt, your eyes shut hard and your jaw dropping.

“Yes, my love… just like that, you look so beautiful” he said and you whimpered, gasping at it only seemed to get more and more intense. “Ohh! Lo’ak, baby…” you moaned, resting your head in the crook of his neck.

He rubbed your back softly and said “you okay, sweetheart?” You just moaned in response as you felt him slip his fingers out. He chuckled and popped them in his mouth, sighing happily through his nose as he tasted your sweet slick.

You whimpered and sat up, hovering right over his dick before he stopped you. “Hey, hey are you sure? You just- y-you just c-came kinda hard- a-at least I think you did- maybe you should take a second,” he said and you chuckled.

“You made me feel things I have never felt before, Lo’ak. That is why I want to try and do the same for you. Do you not want this?” You said and he took a deep breath. Through tsaheylu, you knew he wanted it but something else was bothering him, you couldn’t quite tell.

“I don’t know I’m…I’m scared” he said and you sighed. You sat on his upper thighs as you cupped his cheeks and said “we are already together for life now, we do not have to make love tonight”

“No- n-no it’s- we will” he said and sat up, trying to force you up so he could slip it in. You stopped him, holding yourself down as you said “hey- hey! Why are you scared?” “I’m not anymore. You are my mate…for life, y/n. Eywa has shown us that we are meant for each other, there is no reason to be scared” he said and you smiled.

You caressed his cheek and slowly lifted your hips up, allowing him to line himself up at the entrance. “Go slow…don’t hurt yourself” he said and you nodded. You slowly sunk down on the tip, gasping softly as your pussy clenched. You already felt so full and not even ⅓ of his dick was in yet.

He was going to ask if it hurt but he could feel through tsaheylu that it was actually quite the opposite. He chuckled, going to kiss you but being hit with an amazing feeling as you clenched around him. “O-Ohh…” he said, his hands on your waist tightening as his cock twitched.

“Can- c-can I do more?” You asked and he nodded. You took a deep breath and sunk down more, a moan escaping your lips. He groaned and said “shit…” “Eywa, you’re huge” you said, almost all the way but it was getting to be too much so you stopped again.

He smirked and you rolled your eyes, clenching around him. His eyes widened and he let out a loud moan, squeezing your waist hard. You lifted yourself up and sunk all the way down, his balls pressing up against your ass.

He grunted and you breathed shakily, you were overwhelmed by how full you were, and feeling Lo’ak’s pleasure too just heightened it even more. “You’re…you’re incredible” he said, chuckling.

You kissed him softly, slowly beginning to make out. You lifted yourself up and sunk back down, making him break the kiss. He pressed his forehead to yours, grunting softly. “Feel so full…full of you” you whimpered, placing a hand on his upper chest.

He kissed you quickly, you then started to go faster and none of you could hold back your moans. He cupped your cheek and caressed it softly, trailing his hand down to your clit and rubbing it softly. You gasped, a shaky moan coming out.

You didn’t think he’d know where it was, you’d heard other women in the clan talk about their mating stories and assumed you’d have to teach him basically everything. “Ahh! Lo’ak, oh god!” You moaned and he chuckled.

“How’s that feel?” He asked just to hear you say he was making you feel good and you moaned his name again. He grabbed your ass with his other hand, squeezing it softly. You couldn’t help your moans and groans of pleasure, bouncing feverishly on his cock. He grunted out your name, his cock throbbing as your tight pussy squeezed his dick perfectly.

He wrapped his arms around you, thrusting up into you and making you practically scream out of pleasure, the knot in your lower stomach getting tighter and tighter. You pussy was clenching hard as you tried to hold back, not wanting this to end.

“Fuck…” Lo’ak whispered, grunting as his balls begin to tighten up and his dick twitched. He moaned softly and said “shit- you feel so fucking good!” You smiled and went as fast as you could, tits bouncing in his face like crazy and pussy squeezing his dick so perfectly he could cum right then and there.

You groaned softly and said “uhh! Lo, I’m so close!” “Me too baby…just keep riding me j- uhh- fuck! just like that!” He said and you whimpered. He slapped your ass softly and it only made you closer to cumming.

Your breathing started to pick up and you squeezed around his dick hard as you moaned loud with not a care in the world. “Lo’ak! Oh my- ahh! Ahhh!” You moaned, your nails digging into his skin. He moaned at the pain, squeezing your ass as he felt his cock throb with the need to cum.

He grunted and said “I feel you baby! Come on, cum for me babygirl!” “Mmm! Uhhh! Lo’ak- I’m gonna cum- oh fuck! Ahh!” You moaned and finally released, squirting again and clenching so hard Lo’ak was struggling to hold back.

“Babe! Babe I’m cumming- no- no fuckfuckfuck- ughh!” He groaned, grabbing your hips hard enough to leave bruises as he came hard inside of you. He grunted as his cock throbbed and twitched like crazy, pumping cum endlessly into your tight little pussy.

“Shit!” He said and whined, it was borderline painful as both of your orgasms had yet to die down. When you were finally done, both of you were light headed and you were practically passed out, laying on his chest limply with him still inside you.

“I’m sorry…” he said softly, trying to catch his breath. You whimpered, pussy still twitching slightly as you said “for what?” “F- For finishing inside. I-I tried so hard not to I kept meaning to ask but I…well I kinda forgot” he said and you chuckled. He caressed his ribs as you said “it is okay, Lo’ak. I am not upset. You are my mate for life now, and if Eywa blesses us with a child now it is because it is right for us to start our family now. If not, that is also okay as well”

“You want kids already?” He asked, eyes widening. You chuckled, hearing his mind race and feeling his heartbeat quicken through tsaheylu as you said “I didn’t say that. I do not want to specifically start trying to have children just yet but if I happen to become with child I would trust that Eywa knows what’s good for us. I trust you, Lo’ak. I trust that everything will always be okay with you and that we will always figure it out…together”

“You’re so perfect” he said, looking at your lips. You smiled and cupped his cheek, kissing him passionately. He moaned a little at the unexpected surprise of being kissed so fast and so hard.

He quickly reacted though, kissing you back feverishly. You ran your hands over his chest, feeling the hard muscle that only strengthened day by day. He kept kissing you until eventually you started grinding against him, making him wince from overstimulation and sensitivity from the orgasm.

“Ah- babe I’m gonna need a minute” he said and you sighed. You lifted up off him slowly and laid on the soft moss next to him. He noticed you squeezing your thighs together and smirked. He bit his lip and said “just can’t get enough, can you?”

He made sweet love to you a few more times, his only goal to make you feel good. You fell asleep in his arms, watching the stars as he rubbed your back and played with the clothing pieces he put back on you. He felt so grateful that night, grateful for you.

The next morning, you two disconnected regretfully and you felt empty. You liked how you felt when you were connected to Lo’ak, it made your love for him grow even more. He brought you to a nearby river to rinse off, massaging your sore thighs and back.

Of course he smirked to himself when you were slightly shaky while walking, making you roll your eyes and shove him playfully. He found some berries and you both walked the long way back to the forest and ate some berries before the big breakfast with the clan.

When you got to the tents, everyone looked sorry and upset. You were confused until Kiri came running to you. “Y/n! Where have you been?!” Kiri said and your eyes widened, she looked like she’d been crying.

“I- I was at-” you started to say and she rolled her eyes. She grabbed your hand and said “it- i-it doesn’t matter you have to come with me” You could immediately tell by the way she was talking and how sad everyone was what was happening, or had already happened.

“No…no Kiri, don’t…she- she was- she was fine last night- I-I don’t understand” you said and she whimpered. Lo’ak felt his heart drop, this could not be. Kiri’s lip trembled as she said “I-I know…I know, b-but she doesn’t have much time”

You’d never ran so fast in your life, still holding Lo’ak’s hand because you didn’t want to be alone. You let go as you got closer to the tent and Lo’ak stopped following you. Kiri caught up and Lo’ak looked at with tears in his eyes.

“What’s wrong brother? Is she…” Kiri asked and Lo’ak shook his head. He sniffled and said “I- I-I don’t know I…Eywa, I can’t go in there” “what are you talking about? She needs you right now” Kiri said and Lo’ak let out a sob.

He groaned and said “it’s my fault. She should’ve been here, with her sick mother but instead we…” “no…ugh, you skxawng! Seriously?!” She said and smacked him lightly on the back of his head. He shook his head and said “do you think if I knew this was gonna happen now I would’ve still done the same things? She wanted to go to Utral Aymokriyä to listen to her dads and her grandparents' voices and then it just…happened. We are mated before Eywa now, it is done”

Kiri scoffed and said “that is why she wasn’t with her mom on her last night? Because you needed somewhere you put your stupid dick” “no! Fuck, Kiri it wasn’t like that. I love her! I love her, Kiri. I wasn’t planning to mate with her it just happened, okay? And I feel like the worst mate ever now because of it” he said and took a shaky breath.

Mo’at came out of the tent and said “Lo’ak! Get in here, now!” He wiped his tears away and Kiri shoved him closer making him groan. He slowly entered the tent and his heart broke as he watched you sob, holding your mothers hand as she struggled to keep her eyes open.

You were mumbling prayers through your sobs, not ready to let her go yet. He instantly began to cry harder, bending down to your level. “Oel ngati kameie” he said softly as he pulled up the thin blanket covering your mother’s body.

“Oel ngati kameie” she whispered, reaching for him. He quickly reached and grabbed her hand, caressing it softly and kissing it. “I want you to take care of her, okay? And I want you to be her mate. Please? I only trust you to take care of my daughter” she said and he nodded.

“H-He is, sa’nok. We ar- a-are mated before E-Eywa” you said, sniffling. Her eyes widened slightly as she smiled. She looked between you two and said “What? When?”

“Last night,” you said bashfully, taking a deep breath. She squeezed your hands slightly and said “oh, you have no idea h-how happy that makes me” Lo’ak smiled a little, brushing her braids out of her face.

Mäti groaned, pain surging through her body. She closed her eyes for a moment, making you scream as you feared you just lost her for good. She whimpered and said “I’m still here, maite. I will always be with you, you know that”

Her voice was weak and hoarse now and she was struggling more to talk. You shook your head and said “no, no I- I can’t live without you” “it is okay…i-it is okay, syulang” Mäti said, trying to calm you down.

She grunted, struggling to breathe. “I see you, sweet child” she whispered, wheezing slightly. Her breaths became shorter and faster, trying her hardest to stay alive. You whined as you said “no! Ma sa’nok!”

You were so scared, you didn’t know how to live without her. Her eyes began to flutter, you all knew this was it. “Mommy…” you whimpered, shaking your head as you begged the Great Mother to bless her with health and life again.

“Y/n…nga yawne lu oer” she said before she stopped breathing, her eyes dilating and her hands falling limply as her head lolled to the side. You gasped, your whole body shaking as you realized what just happened.

You shook your head, more sobs racking your body. “Ma sa’nok! No! No Great Mother- No! Wake up, please!” You screamed, shaking her body trying to get her to wake up.

“Y/n….” Lo’ak said and placed a hand on your back. You shoved him off and cupped your mothers face in your hands, trying to find life in her eyes again. You shook your head and screamed in agony, wailing as you felt the pain of the loss of your mother in your chest.

Lo’ak began to sob as well, he was so angry at himself, and heartbroken at the loss of what felt like a second mom. You pressed your forehead to hers, whimpering and crying harder than you ever have before.

“I’m so sorry, y/n” he said and you ignored him. You grabbed your mothers hand and said “wake up, mom. Mom…mom please! Mommy, wake up!” You cried and cried, unable to even think about calming down. Losing your dad and barely having any memories of him is hard on you, but now having had your mother take care of you, love you your entire life and for her to just suddenly no longer be here for the rest of your life is even harder.

He tried to touch you again and you shoved him, standing up. You shook your head and said “go away!” “W-What…” he said and you groaned. He stood up as well as you said “get away from me!”

He tried to touch again and you yelled out at him, shoving him so hard he nearly fell back. He shook his head and said “y/n-” “no, this is your fault! Your fault! I should’ve been here. M-My mother…oh Eywa, my mother i-is gone and I wasn’t with her on her last night alive. Ever since you came into the picture I’ve spent too much time with you. She needed me!” You said and scoffed.

His chin trembled as you bent down to your mothers lifeless body, sobbing as you pushed her eyelids down. He whimpered as he left the tent, punching the shit out of the nearest tree. Mo’at went in and tried to comfort you but it didn’t work for her either.

Kiri ran to Lo’ak and said “hey! What happened?” “Sh- fuck- s-she’s gone. M-Mäti is gone. A-And y/n is mad at me. Sh- S-She probably regrets what we did last night and I-I don’t blame her. She told me to go away b-because she’s upset that she was w-with me instead of being with Mäti on her final night a-and that because of me she’s been spending less time w- with her and too much with me. The worst part is, she’s f-fucking right!” Lo’ak yelled and sobbed, wiping his tears away.

Kiri shook her head and said “no sh- she didn’t…she’s just upset Lo’ak” Kiri was crying as well, Mäti also took care of her a lot when she was younger, you and her even considered yourself sisters because of how big of an impact you had on each others lives.

“No…no I’m the reason she wasn’t there. She will never get that time back. B-Because of me! And now she’s stuck with me forever!” He said and groaned, punching the tree again. Kiri stopped him, he already had some splinters so instead of letting him get an infection like Mäti that would kill him she brought him to her tent and began to take care of him.

Mo’at came in and didn’t even have the mental energy to scold him for hurting himself. She couldn’t help but think about her mother, she died similarly and it brought up a lot of old feelings. Not to mention, Mäti literally delivered Neytiri when Eytukan was rushing back from a hunting trip far away. They were great friends. She knew what you were going through better than she would’ve liked to.

“Y/n is experiencing the worst thing she’s ever gone through in her entire life. She’s upset and her mind is so messed up she doesn’t know left from right. She’s angry and she’s heartbroken and she wants to be comforted but she does not want to let anyone in either. You are her mate, Lo’ak. You’re going to have to learn these things about her and you’re going to have to learn how to take care of her when she’s in this state. She still loves you very much, I’m sure of it” Mo’at said to him and finished wrapping his hand in a leaf that’s healing properties would heal his hand in about 3-4 eclipses.

He nodded, tears still rolling down his face. “Now, go. She was asking for you” Mo’at said and practically pushed him all the way out. He slowly made his way back to the healing tent your mother had been living in for months.

You were still crying, not sobbing as much but you were still whimpering and hiccuping every now then. You looked over at him and stood up, gently putting your moms hand down on the mat. You walked over to him and your chin trembled as you looked up at him.

“I see you” he whispered, even if you were still mad at him he didn’t care. He saw you, he saw your pain, he saw how weak and vulnerable you were right now and he was ready to heal your emotional wounds no matter how hard it would be.

You sniffled and said “I see you, Lo’ak. I’m s-sorry about what I said earlier. It isn’t your fault. N-Not at all, you were…I actually liked having you there. I trusted you, and you showed me love and support and care when I really needed it. I could never regret the time we’ve spent together, and I surely can’t regret last night. Even if this is the worst day of my life, last night was the best. Because of you”

“You don’t have to apologize. I’ll always love you. And I’ll never be mad at you, I couldn’t possibly. You’re grieving, and you’re going through something unimaginably painful. Of course you're gonna have reactions you don’t mean to have. I'm here to take every harsh word, every shove, every cry, and also every smile, every laugh, and every hug with nothing but love and a smile. I only want to make you happy again” Lo’ak said, caressing your cheeks.

You nodded and whispered a shaky “thank you” He kissed your head and wiped your tears from under your puffy eyes, wrapping his arms tight around you. You cried softly into his chest, holding him tight. “Hey, hey it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here my love” he said, noticing how you seemed to be desperately holding onto him like he was going to leave or something.

You whimpered and said “I just…oh Eywa I’m scared somethings gonna h-happen to you” “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m here with you, forever” he said and kissed your head a few times, rubbing your back.

Kiri came in and her heart broke as she saw Mäti lay there lifeless, not receiving the usual smile and seeing her lift her arms weakly to hug her. You looked up and Kiri sniffled, looking over at you. “I’m so sorry, y/n” she said and you bit your lip.

You hugged her and said “she really loved you, tsumke” “she loved you even more. Talked about you like you hung the moon and stars yourself” Kiri said and you both giggled. Lo’ak walked over and gently grabbed Mäti’s hand.

“I’m gonna take care of her. I promise. I’m gonna make her the happiest girl in the clan. Thank you for creating such a wonderful young woman that I now get to cherish for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve it, really. Rest in peace, Mäti” he said and caressed her hand, wiping away his tears.

1 year later

“Good morning, honey” he said softly, brushing your braids out of your face. You took a deep breath and mumbled “hi, baby” and stretched adorably, clinging to him after. He chuckled and kissed your head.

“I brought breakfast,” he said. It was some fish and some berries and a juiced fruit in a bowl. You smiled and kissed his cheeks, making him laugh. You heard Lawnol fussing a little and sighed, sitting up.

Lawnoltsim, or Lawnol as you called her, was your 3 month old baby girl. It’s not uncommon for a female to become pregnant the night she mates, and that is what happened to you. You realized your symptoms a few weeks after the loss of your mother and when Mo’at confirmed it felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

You were excited to be a mother, and when Mo’at suspected it was a girl it only excited you more. Lo’ak was worried initially, he felt terrible for getting you pregnant and for putting through this at such a stressful time in your life. He was surprised to see how happy the pregnancy made you, even with all the pain you couldn’t help the joy you felt when you thought about your daughter or felt her kick.

He wanted to name her Lawnoltsim because it meant “a great source of joy”, and that’s what she was. She brought so much happiness during the hardest time of your life. She was nothing short of perfection to you.

You scooped her up out of the sleeping basket Neytiri weaved together for you a few weeks before your daughter was born and held her to your chest, kissing her head and caressing her little back. She cooed and Lo’ak smiled, he always fell in love with you more and more watching you be a mother to the daughter you made together.

“Hi, baby…oh you’re so beautiful,” you said and kissed her nose. She smiled up at you and played with your braids, babbling something. He wrapped his arms around your waist and said “my princesses. So gorgeous”

You giggled and kissed her cheek a few times, fixing her hair so it wasn’t so messy. You spent the morning with the two of them like you have every day since Lawnol was born, playing with her and singing to her and then breastfeeding her for a bit before having your breakfast.

He was worried about today, it was the 1 year anniversary of your mothers death.

Neytiri asked to spend the day with her grandbaby which you gladly agreed to, her and Jake had been really good about watching her when you and Lo’ak needed and never passed up an opportunity to spend time with their first granddaughter.

You went off to go hunting for a bit with some other warriors and Lo’ak began to worry more. You hadn’t acknowledged it all. He couldn’t help but think about how heartbroken you were that morning, how hard it was for you to leave the tent and bury her.

When you got back, you checked on Lawnol and then helped Mo’at make lunch. Lo’ak kept an eye on you, always lingering around. Of course he spent time with you throughout the day regularly as he was your mate and he was literally obsessed with you. But you knew why he was especially lingering today.

You knew well what day it was. You did take some time already to yourself to walk through the forest and process your thoughts, cried a little bit just thinking about everything. You didn’t want to turn today into a day of sadness. You just wanted to think about all the happy memories with your mother. All the good times, how happy she made you, what an amazing mother she was. You hoped to be that for Lawnol.

“Hey, honey” you said as you came into the tent, it was nearing eclipse. He was re-stringing his bow but had just finished when you came in. He smiled at you and said “hi…how are you?” You kissed him softly and said “I’m good”

He took a deep breath, you knew he didn’t believe you. You sat down in front of him and said “I know you don’t believe me. But I promise I am. I know today is one year since I lost my mother and I should be really sad about that but I am not. I…I do not want to be sad. I just simply want to celebrate the happy times I had with her, and what an amazing mother she was and how she impacted the clan and everyone else’s lives. I miss her greatly, but moping around and crying about it isn’t going to bring her back”

“I’m just worried for you. It was hard watching you go through that” he said, caressing your cheek. You smiled and he sighed softly, admiring your features. He couldn’t help himself sometimes. You grabbed his hand and said “I do appreciate it, you know. I was just about to go to the tree of voices to hear her voice. Do you want to come with me?”

You hadn’t gone yesterday because it was your birthday and you didn’t want to be sad. You wanted to wait until today instead. He nodded and stood up, following you. You walked quietly, tail swishing gently as you held Lo’ak’s hand.

You walked up to the tree, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. You took a deep breath and connected your kuru to the tree, gasping slightly as you heard your mothers voice. Lo’ak hugged you from behind gently, bring his own kuru to the tree and listening to his ancestors voices.

You felt a tear slip down your face and you sighed. You whimpered slightly and Lo’ak disconnected from the tree, kissing your head and moving his arm up to sip the tears away. He caressed your waist as he said “it’s okay, baby. Just cry it out if you need to”

“I miss her, Lo…” you whispered. He rested his chin ontop of your head and said “I know, syulang. I miss her too” “she loved you so much. You have no idea, Lo’ak. She was so obsessed, she was always asking about you. She knew you were it for me. My mate” you said and smiled.

He chuckled and said “I know. Everytime she could get me alone she swore that it was the perfect time to mate before Eywa forever. And she…” He stopped because he began to tear up and his throat felt tight.

“What?” You asked, disconnecting from the tree and turning around to look at him. He cleared his throat and said “s-she trusted me to- t-to take care of you. Do you remember? W-When I came to the tent s-she made me promise…p-promise that I would take care of you, a-and she said she only trusted me to be y-your mate”

“Oh, Lo’ak,” you said and cupped his cheeks. He cried softly as he looked at you, wondering if he really had been fulfilling Mäti’s final wishes like he tried to. As if you could hear his thoughts, you said “you have. You have done an amazing job at protecting me, loving me, caring for me, and you’ve done the same for our daughter”

“I try…” he joked, sighing softly. You smiled and said “I see you, my mate” “I see you” he whispered back, pressing his forehead to yours. You both took a deep breath, embracing each other and falling even more in love with each other with every second that passes.

Taglist: @laylasbunbunny @goddesslilithmoriarty

As of now l'm writing for

Eddie Munson

Joseph Quinn

Jamie Bower

Steve Harrington

Robin Buckley

Lo’ak

Neteyam

So just comment the taglist you want to be added to and l'll add you :)

[louscartridge]

heya im here requesting kevin…again. how about kevin and reader are secretly dating and the way hunter finds out is that kevin n reader have a pregnancy scare so they arent as careful and accidentally leave the pregnancy test out on the open in her room and then hunter later sees kevin kiss her and hunter freaks out on them. ofc dont feel pressured to write this ty for the consideration! <3

i do not give permission for my fics to be posted claiming to be yours, translated, or posted on another platform without credit

sorry this took so long! 

kevin schlieb x reader. although they/them pronouns were used its involves pregnancy so yk. 

cw- pregnancy, like 2 curse words, hunter being slightly obnoxious, slight panic?? idk tbh 

“fucking hell.” you let out an exasperated sigh, sitting on the edge of your bed as your leg bounces up and down anxiously.

“what am i gonna do?” you ask yourself quietly, looking down to your hand with the pregnancy test in it. you put the test on the corner of your dresser, taking a steadying breath.

“what day is it?” you question, pulling your phone out of your back pocket.

“sunday. so i can tell him tomorrow at school. great. however, i have no idea what im gonna tell hunter but ill figure that out when the time comes!”

after going downstairs and getting a snack you go back in your room and put a movie on, falling asleep soon after.

———

hunter hadn’t heard anything from y/n’s room in a while, so decided to check on her. quietly opening the door he looked around their room and soon see them lying on their bed.

“y/n!” he whisper-yelled. “are you sleeping?”

he receives no response, so he walked over to the bedside table, grabbing the bowl sat there to take it to the kitchen, but something caught his attention making him pause.

‘this better not be positive’ he thought to himself as he eyed the pregnancy tester sat innocently on the desk.

he stared at the middle of it.

‘shit, its positive. did they see this before they fell asleep? should i wake them up? no let them sleep stupid if they didnt see it thell see it when they wake up tomorrow’ so many thoughts rush through his head, and it’s not even his problem to deal with.

one particular thought nagged at the back of his head until he couldn’t ignore it anymore.

‘who? who are they doing stuff with? i mean like y/n’s one of the most single people i know. well- not as single as me but… close enough!’ he thought to himself again.

hunter quickly came to the conclusion that he wouldn’t tell anyone. it wasn’t his issue, and was quite frankly none of his business. he would just wait and see how this all plays out.

———

as the obnoxiously loud ringing of the bell shocks you, you get up from your seat along with the other 20 kids in your class and exit the classroom.

the only difference this time was that instead of kevin going to a normal class, he would go with hunter to band practice.

before he could open the door, y/n grabbed kevin’s arm and pulls him behind it, making him jump.

“woah, hey! don’t you have art right now?” he questioned.

you always liked the fact that you both remembered eachother’s class schedule. you always knew where the other was.

“yeah but listen i have to tell you something. and i know you’re busy right now and have stuff to do and-“ you ranted.

kevin cuts your ramblings short by placing his hands on your shoulders.

“hey, slow down. i can skip today if you want.” he says moving his calloused hands up and down your arms soothingly.

“no i don’t want you to skip.” your voice slightly calmer.

“impregnant.” you speak so quickly your words merged together.

kevin’s eyes widened and he didn’t say anything at first. he just stared at you.

“are you coming or what? you need to practice more man!” hunter yells to him, rolling his eyes and not giving anyone the chance to respond.

tears started forming in your eyes, his lack of response starting to scare you.

he glanced around awkwardly and took both of your hands in his “hey hey it’s ok!” he says reassuringly.

“no kevin it’s not, what are we gonna do?” you say, voice shaking.

“well. we have a few options and we have time to decide. we will figure something out.” he leans in to kiss you not noticing that hunter never walked away from the door.

“oh my god! you? kevin? seriously!” hunter yells in disgust, swinging open the door to the music room.

“y/n, out of all the people you could’ve banged and you chose this nerd?” hunter laughed, smacking kevin on the back of his head playfully.  

[rainbowcolored7]

Okay, now that I've had some time to rewatch and mull over all the information we have so far, I'm going to try and lay out my thoughts. It's gonna get long, I'd meant to do a strictly novel analysis of the scene before it aired, but life got in the way as usual. But I'm kind of glad, 'cause now I can compare the two.

There will be discussion of both the show and the novel below the cut, so if you're not interested in the novel or spoilers please pass this post by.

I'm going to start this off by saying that I am truly happy with the changes they've made in the show when it comes to the consensual aspect of the story between Kinn and Porsche. Also, as a warning, I'm going to be pulling personal experiences out to try and get my thoughts across properly. And, I don't do posts like this, like ever, so sorry if I make zero sense or talk way too much. I just have a lot of thoughts, and on the rare occasion my brain allows me to comprehensively share those thoughts, I need to take advantage.

Let's start this off from the beginning of episode 4. Porsche wakes up in Pete's bed, knows he kissed someone, can't remember, and spends the rest of the first half of the episode trying to piece things together. I know we like to joke about Porsche having a single braincell (and honestly sometimes boy... lol) but he's not an idiot and he does know how to read people. You can't be a good bartender or survive taking care of your family, young and alone, without having a decent grasp on human nature.

I think when Kinn called him up to the balcony and started asking him questions he left that conversation with a flickering of oh, I remember something happened and now Kinn is acting strangely (a theme he vocalizes later in the sauna). I think he's thinking, what did I do this time to make Kinn act so strangely (soft and flirtatious and joking around) towards me?

After he sees Kinn with his escort, realizes Kinn is gay, remembers what happened on the pier, and that what happened wasn't something he did but Kinn kissing him, he asks Pete if you should kiss someone you don't like (and the subtitles changed so don't at me...) , or aren't in a relationship with (or perhaps intentionally pursuing because you like them). Now, obviously, you can kiss people you don't like, but perhaps are just physically attracted to, and I'm sure something is lost in the translation. That or I'm just reading too much into it and Pete saying you only kiss people you like, 'cause baby boy, that ain't true. Side note, I have a feeling Pete might come to realize it isn't true when we get to the point of him with Vegas, but that's an entirely different egg to crack open. (I have also not read that far.)

Now, here, is where I want to point out just how differently Porsche reacts to what happened and how fucking ecstatic I am that they changed it completely. In the novel, Porsche struggles with a lot of internalized homophobia, though he's okay with Yok, who is trans, he mentions it took him some time to be okay with her, but he still recoils at people he thinks might be gay or someone of the same gender expressing interest in him. He frequently compliments men's looks, not just in a friendly way, and thinks about how attractive some men are, Kinn especially. In the novel, once he really realizes he's physically and sexually attracted to Kinn, Porsche has a fucking meltdown of an internal crisis over it. He even goes as far as hitting on all his guy friends trying to reason out why Kinn would be behaving the way he is towards him, and why he kind of likes it (but doesn't, but does, but doesn't etc.). The boy is a mess and in complete denial.

I'm assuming a lot here, and reading between the lines, but how I interpreted it was, Porsche had, at some point in his youth, like a lot of queer youth, gotten a lot of negative feedback about same sex attraction that really dug into his bones, and so whenever he feels anything more than friendship towards another man he freaks out and tries to bury it, all the while wanting it so badly he can't stop himself. i.e. kissing Kinn back and allowing Kinn to essentially do whatever he pleases while being vocally grumpy about it. In the novel, he doesn't know who he is when it comes to his sexuality, he's deep in denial about being bi, and actively fights against it.

The show ripped that all away and gave us the true chaotic bi king we love and adore, and who he should have been in the novel imo. Show Porsche is open, honest to a fault, accepting, understanding. Now, we haven't gotten verbal confirmation that Porsche is bi in the show, but from everything I've witnessed so far I feel safe in saying he's bi, pan, or just plainly doesn't give a fuck as long as he's getting pleasure from his encounters. He seems open to Kinn's attraction as well as his own, though to say for certain we will have to wait until episode 5, where I'm hoping they touch on this subject some more, and I hope it's on the good side in line with the changes from novel Porsche we've gotten so far. (I'm down for some turmoil about him having sex with his boss, but please keep the biphobia out please please).

As much as I'd like to get more into the lead up to the real juicy stuff, I just don't have the energy. So, let's get into the gritty of it, shall we? The drugging scene. We finally made it here. A lot faster than I was expecting? Absolutely. Does it still feel organic after the previous three episodes? If Kinn hadn't said Porsche had been at the compound for a month, yes, but since he did, no.

Porsche has been with Kinn, Khun, the other bodyguards, for a whole month. He's been learning, adjusting, actively trying to become a better bodyguard. The reasons behind his change of heart seem to be him finally coming to the realization of what a serious situation he's landed himself in. It's life or death, his life isn't the only one on the line here, it's everyone around him as well. He's clearly beginning to really care about the well-being of his fellow bodyguards (mainly Pete, Arm, Pol) and Khun and Kinn.

Also, after episode 3, it was clear to me that Porsche finds Kinn physically attractive, and I do believe wanting some kind of approval from Kinn was another motivator. He's curious about Kinn, he's attracted to him, he's leaning into it.

Kinn, poor baby, is having a beautiful emotional crisis, and a lot of that I think is thanks to Mile really pouring his entire being into fleshing Kinn out and turning him into a "well" rounded person rather than the power hungry, totally domineering, bastard asshole, very surface, no depth, Kinn we have in the novel. The changes they've made to Kinn are fucking delightful, and I'm adoring the added depth and emotional vulnerability they've given him.

In the novel, Vegas sexually assaults Porsche. Without penetration, but Kinn does find him in his underwear with marks all over his body. This was one of the parts I was most worried about them adapting in the show. (I will note here, I have not read past the official translation of 1/4 of the novel--which ends with my favorite spicy scene so far and god I hope they give it to us!--the rest I have sought out from fans so it's not a complete picture). The change they made was nice (as nice as beginning to assault someone can be...), and I'm glad we didn't have to go that far. They've clearly changed Vegas a bit, though how much is yet to be seen. I'm holding my judgment for now.

Kinn's internal monologue during the drugging scene is, well, rough to say the least. But that can be said for the novel as a whole. Reading it felt like reading a fic written by a teenager from the early 00's, and not in the good way. Kinn seems like a consent King, but after telling Porsche he'd stop if Porsche told him to, he doesn't. He fucks Porsche all night long, to the point of needing to take him to the hospital the next day because he's bleeding heavily and in a lot of pain. It has its hot moments, but it's rough and gross, and I'm so glad it's been changed in the show.

What the show gave us is stunning in comparison. What the show gave us is fucking beautiful imo. Porsche, after remembering Kinn kissed him, after witnessing him with his escort, after listening to Pete, Porsche takes all of that information and once again, leans into it. He goads Kinn, he flirts with him, he asks him questions not any normal bodyguard would ask. "If your brother didn't give me up, would you even think to take me back?" Any other guard wouldn't give a shit, but Porsche needs to know. There are so many reasons this could be, but I think the main factors are a need for approval, his newfound desire to protect this family, his attraction and curiosity for Kinn, and a need to prove himself as a competent man, which he is in all rights when he puts his mind to something.

There's also something to be said about an unspoken and underlying desire to be cared for, something Porsche has never really had for most of his life. He's always been the caretaker, for Che, for his uncle even. I know y'all noticed how good he is at taking care of Tankhun? It's because he's in a familiar roll, he knows how to do this with ease. Kinn on the other hand? Someone who doesn't need coddling and caring for? He doesn't know how to handle that, but after his initial rebellion, after seeing some different sides of Kinn, he wants back in. I think, subconsciously at this point, he sees how Kinn would take care of him and he wants it.

Yes, Porsche is drugged. Yes, being under the influence makes consent iffy, but it does not mean Porsche did not give his consent or wasn't able to. Porsche may not have given verbal consent, what he did do is give consent in every other possible way, and that is what Kinn responded to. Porsche joked with Kinn about wanting to see him naked, playfully slapped his hands away, and each time Kinn respectfully pulled back. Those examples are a clear lack of consent, and Kinn responded appropriately to them. But as soon as Porsche changed gears so did Kinn, still yet with reluctance because of Porsche's state and also his brewing feelings. It wasn't one-sided, it was a push and pull on both ends.

I know there will be some who disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm pulling from my own experiences here, and what I saw in episode 4 was consensual and not rape in the slightest. I've done a lot of things in my 30+ years that I'm not proud of, certainly, but even fall-over drunk, even sky-high on drugs, I was able to give and deny consent. Was it a good idea? Of course not. Do I have regrets? Some. But being young and reckless, well, me and Porsche seem to have that in common. I mean, Porsche is in his early twenties, and my early twenties were quite literally a blur of alcohol, drugs, parties, and bad (but fun) decisions.

Porsche was high as a kite, but he was also coherent. Porsche was the one pulling Kinn in. Porsche was the one verbally and non-verbally saying yes, please, I know you want this, I want it too can't you see? Let me show you. Not to mention, no sugarcoating, having sex when you're high is fucking awesome and, frankly, I don't think this is a first for Porsche. Also, I want to mention, and this is really important, if you throw up while you're high it does sober you up a bit. It dampens the experience and brings you back into your mind. I can say this with absolute certainty, I've done it several times.

Another thing I want to point out in regard to consent is Porsche never once told Kinn no. Never once did he tell him to stop. Porsche was smiling constantly, he was taking initiative, he was undressing Kinn himself, he wanted all of what happened. Will he regret it the next day? Probably. We will have to wait and see. But bottom line, the show changed this scene for the better, a lot better.

Anyway, this was less of an analysis and more of a thought word vomit 'cause I've been wanting to talk about this scene for weeks now, and I'm also sick and tired of people saying it was rape in the tags. Kinn did not rape Porsche. Porsche gave non-verbal consent, and yes it is possible to give consent when under the influence, even if it's not a good idea. This is not the hill we need to be dying on. Let's wait for VegasPete for that, shall we?

Please, do not fucking come for me. I'm down to discuss, but I will not respond to bullshit. Thanks. ❤️

[shotorozu]

‘photoshopping my boyfriend’

(tiktok prank)

character(s) : bakugou katsuki, todoroki shouto, midoriya izuku (bnha)

PART TWO — PART THREE

legend : [Y/N = your name] they/them pronouns used, quirk not specific

headcanon type : crack, fluff (x reader)

note(s) : inspired by this tiktok— it was too funny to skip this chance of making this post 💀

»»————-　♡　————-««

bakugou katsuki

you wanted to do this prank, because you wanted to see if he’d notice even the most subtle of changes to his face

again, it’s a pretty harmless prank— plus, you wouldn’t actually post the edited picture online anyway 💀

it’d be funny to see it

so, you slightly alter the selfie of you and katsuki, by enlarging his forehead ever so slightly— and you’d only alter it more from that moment onwards

[you’ve sent an attachment]

Y/N : “kats, i found this picture in my camera roll, should i post it? you look so good ! (๑>◡<๑)”

and katsuki being well,, himself— responds rather quickly to your message even though he kinda wanted to leave you on read

kats ♡ : “ain’t that your fucking wallpaper 🤨”

Y/N : “nah this is a different one, should i post?”

he leaves you on read for a bit, and it seems to be that he was typing for quite some time

kats ♡ : “abso-fucking-lutely not. i don’t remember looking like that.”

Y/N : “but you look fine! want me to change it a bit?”

kats ♡ : “do whatever 🙄”

and because you’re an absolute menace to your boyfriend, you make his forehead bigger— not to the point that he’d notice though

[you’ve sent an attachment]

Y/N : “how’s that now?”

and then you were left on read 😔 because katsuki was currently on his way to your room and he’s not pleased

“DID YOU PHOTOSHOP MY FOREHEAD?” he slams your door open, and you swore you could’ve heard it crack just a bit

“no??”

“stop fucking lying- i have that exact photo in my gallery, and it looks NOTHING like that atrocious thing”

you burst out laughing at his reaction, and he’s just standing next to your bed like 🧍‍♂️

“i will never take another picture with you again if you—”

“as if i was actually going to post that picture” he wasn’t serious when he said he won’t be taking pictures with you

but at least he’ll sleep well knowing that you won’t post such.. horrendous picture of his massive forehead on the internet for the world to see

but you posted the tiktok anyway and it blew up to katsuki’s distaste

todoroki shouto

okay okay, so you think that this would be absolutely hilarious— but you just wanted to see if he’d notice if you photoshopped him

but a part of you thinks he wouldn’t, or if he’d just pretend that he didn’t notice— regardless, it would still be funny

so, you select a random selfie of you and shouto (one that you both looked good in) and you ever so slightly edit his forehead

you kind of wanted to edit his scar but for many different reasons, you decided not to

[you’ve sent an attachment]

Y/N 🤍 : “shou 🤩‼️‼️ look at what i found, should i repost this as a throwback? you look so good it’s not even funny”

he replies rather quick, i mean he always does— but he replies after 30 seconds

shou, the lover boy 🤍 : “you mean we. we look good.”

Y/N 🤍 : “oh, we look good 🤠 so?? what do you think? repost or nah?”

shou, the lover boy 🤍 : “sure thing.”

shou, the lover boy 🤍 : “hm, something looks different. i just don’t know what it is. could you add a small filter to it?”

and you think, ‘oh! so he does notice’ which is quite interesting

Y/N 🤍 : “sure ^^”

you edit his forehead even more, the original picture looking a lot more different compared to the edited one but for some reason, it didn’t look unnatural

[you’ve sent an attachment]

Y/N 🤍 : “so, i added a small filter onto it, does that look better?”

he’s seen typing for a bit

shou, the lover boy 🤍 : “hm, no filter it is. i think the unfiltered one is better.”

[you’ve sent an attachment]

Y/N 🤍 : “i removed the filter, does that look better?”

but then you edited his forehead even more 😭 please this was killing you, you were wondering if you didn’t edit the picture enough— you’re just glad you aren’t in the same room as him

shou, the lover boy 🤍 : “perfect. see you tomorrow <3”

you posted the tiktok’s results, and it blows up in less than a day— gaining a lot of views because

a. it’s shouto— a common guest on your tiktoks, b. his ‘obliviousness’ c. because of the way you edited his forehead, and how it just got bigger and bigger 💀

the comments were really funny, and nice to look at “PLEASE IS HE THAT OBLIVIOUS??” “bruhh he definitely knew something 💀” “there’s no way he wasn’t playing along”

turns out, shouto knew you were photoshopping his forehead for shits and giggles— it’s because he has that exact selfie as his wallpaper

he’ll get you back ;)

midoriya izuku

your boyfriend is insanely observant, so!! you wanted to test if he’d notice even the slightest of changes to a picture

and plus, you think it would be funny to witness

you select one of the better pictures of you and izuku— but most especially, a picture where izuku looked phenomenal

compared to the other two, you edited his freckles— you’re basically going to gradually add more freckles to him

[you’ve sent an attachment]

Y/N 🍀 : “hey zuku! look at what i found deep in my gallery. should i repost this as a throwback? i wanna know your thoughts <3”

your notification makes his heart race faster, so he’s quick to reply

except,, it took a bit longer for him to hit send

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “you look so good <3 but hm.. something looks different ^^; i just can’t put my finger on it..”

Y/N 🍀 : “oh— perhaps it’s the lighting?”

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “maybe it is! could you maybe put a filter on it? i mean,, if you think there should be one! not that the picture needs one ;;”

cute.

you add more freckles to the picture, and added a slight filter to make it less suspicious, and you hit send

[you’ve sent an attachment]

Y/N 🍀 : “there! i only added a slight filter to it, is this okay?”

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “oh no, i look like a kardashian now ^^;; definitely not myself.”

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “i’m not sure what’s different! i mean.. the picture couldn’t have been taken that long ago for me not to remember what i even looked like— omg, what if i did forget 😦”

he sounded so concerned about the slight changes— which is to be expected of him

he was actually freaking out through the screen 💀

so then, you decided to add even more freckles to his cheeks

Y/N 🍀 : “ok ok sooo— i removed the filter, does this look better? lmk <3”

it takes a moment for him to finally respond, and he’s seen going on and off with typing— since the typing bubble kept disappearing and reappearing.

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “Y/N..”

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “is it just me or”

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “do i have more freckles in this picture 😦”

you flop onto the ground in hysterics, laughing at his message and you’re hoping that he wouldn’t hear you laugh this hard

after a few hours, you post the tiktok— and it blows up, gathering a good amount of likes and views

the comments consisted of “the fact that he was he thinking so hard about the picture 💀” “LMAOO WHY CAN I IMAGINE HIS REACTION WHEN HE REALIZED” “nooo the way the typing bubble kept disappearing and reappearing 😭”

your boyfriend sends you a text after the tiktok blows up— basically, he saw the video (somehow 💀)

zuku (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) : “i’m glad i wasn’t imagining things ^^;; turns out you were just editing more freckles onto the picture 😃 it looked so real!! oh, and i’m coming over to your place, see you!! <3”

basically— having an observant boyfriend like izuku is fun

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission

[tolkien-feels]

Inquiring minds want to know: what were your thoughts about how Orlando Bloom acts the specific relationship between Legolas and Aragorn?

Okay let me answer this one now while I still remember what I was thinking. Fair warning though: I was just Pondering Stuff, I didn't really arrive to any conclusions, so this post will be both long and pointless

Also! Disclaimer that when I say "How Orlando Bloom acts" I probably also include how he's directed. I'm not a movie person so I don't know who does what - my point is The Performance™️ (as opposed to eg the screenplay)

Both Aragorn and Legolas are extremely different characters in the books and in the movies. You can't neatly translate their book dynamic - where Aragorn is the responsible one, and Legolas is a walking ray of sunshine - because their movie counterparts wouldn't act like that. It'd be out of character, and although the movies generally don't strive to perfectly mimic everybody's personalities as portrayed in the books, they do very much care about the characters being consistent in the context of the movies.

All of this is to say that they had to reverse engineer a compelling relationship for Aragorn and Legolas, because the core of their relationship in the books centers around responsibility for Aragorn and cheerfulness for Legolas. That wouldn't work in the movies, unless they had a lot of time to establish why they act differently around each other, which they don't because this is not a central relationship. (For instance, it's fine that irresponsible movie!Merry is still the responsible one around Pippin specifically because that relationship has time to be developed for that to make sense. That way, they can change Merry while still conveying something similar - though not identical - to the dynamic Merry and Pippin have in the books.)

I would argue that the way they chose to make this relationship compelling was by tying Legolas's main character arc - his struggle with witnessing mortality - to Aragorn. Movie!Legolas reacts badly to death in general, but he freaks out when Aragorn is in danger.

That's actually pretty clever! But like, if you just gave me his lines, I think I would have imagined it all being acted very differently. Movie!Legolas has something very untouchable about him. He fits in with all the other solemn elves of the movies. (In general, the movies emphasize shared traits of the races over individual characteristics, but that's a different conversation.) It's not that movie!Legolas is never playful, but he smiles rather than laughs, if that makes sense.

Now, Aragorn is a big symbol of mortality in the movies, just in general. Elrond says he'll die. Arwen and Eowyn both worry about his possible death at multiple points. Boromir accuses him of basically wanting to be an elf. He straight up has an entire fake death arc.

So it's very natural, for storytelling purposes, that Legolas would fear Aragorn's death in particular. And because Legolas doesn't face death - any death, really - with grim bitterness, but with a kind of fearful innocence, he ends up coming across as unusually young and vulnerable when he's interacting with Aragorn. Not always, of course, that's not really his default, but in emotional moments? Yeah, definitely!

But because elves are much more stoic in the movies than they ever are in the books, scenes like their TTT argument come across as more outstanding than Legolas in the book looking to Aragorn for guidance at all times.

And you could have Legolas be aggressively worried about Aragorn without it coming across as having 🥺 overtones!! Eowyn does that!!!!! But the way Orlando Bloom acts, he makes it seem like Legolas has made Aragorn's wellbeing the linchpin of his mental health.

And in the context of his arc in the movies, I think that's actually exactly what they're trying to convey. Legolas is protective of Aragorn even before they're in the Fellowship (YOU OWE HIM YOUR ALLEGIANCE!!!!!!) but after they lose Gandalf, and especially after they lose Boromir, he latches on to Aragorn in a really interesting way

And again, part of this is just the screenplay, but at every turn Orlando Bloom goes with the 🥺est interpretation possible.

And that's really what I was thinking about - how different the same screenplay would've come across if the acting had been different. And I didn't really come to any conclusions, I was just rotating in my head ways I would interpret scenes differently if the delivery had been different

[ethan-torchio-angelo]

Oh, love

Summary: It takes a year of trial and error, of love and heartbreak, for the two to finally realize there's no one else they'd rather be with. Or in which she becomes they're photographer for a summer tour and falls in love with the dark haired drummer.

Word Count: 10.3k

Warnings: swearing, angst, sexual content

A/N: I just want to say a huge thank you to @ethanesimp for proofreading and hyping this fic up, thank you so much amore! This is the first piece I've written for any of the members of maneskin, and also the longest thing I've ever written! Feedback is greatly appreciated!

January

It’s a call in the middle of the day that begins it all. She’s been in a shoot all morning, running around snapping photos of a wanna-be teen idol. She’s been here many times, being hired to do promo shots for someone who never makes it farther than this. But this call, she knows it’s different. She’s heard the name, seen some videos, she knows this won’t be like the rest. She’s instructed to clear her schedule for the week and to be in Rome by the end of the day.

The cold air hits her as she leaves the building, suitcase and camera bag in hand. This is the moment she’s been waiting for since joining the company, the chance to become a permanent fixture instead of hopping from gig to gig. She’s told that they requested her specifically, that one of the band members saw her collection from a festival last summer and was dead set on booking her for their summer tour. It’s all new to her, the feeling of being the first choice and not second best. She barely hears anything that’s said on the plane by their manager, too busy trying not to freak out.

It’s only a few hours plane ride, but it feels like a lifetime. Thoughts run wild in her head as the seconds tick by, she can’t remember the last time she’d been this excited, or nervous, for something. She’s greeted by more people from their team as she steps off the plane, and is quickly ushered to the villa they’ve been staying in. She barely has time to process the beautiful new city she’s in before she’s hidden by walls of an even more beautiful place.

They give her time to relax and unpack, but clear instructions to not leave the property without security. Things have been crazy, she’s told, since their winning last year fans have become more clever with their tactics. She laughs at some of the stories, but heeds the warning all the same. She’s seen quite a few things that have shaken her to her core, so she knows to be careful and wary.

Music floats through the halls and into her room, the band practicing on the other side of the villa. The music fills her veins with a feeling she can’t quite place, but it’s a welcome humming that gets her blood pumping. She grabs her camera and follows the melodies, laughing at the jokes thrown around in english whenever someone messes up. She angles herself behind a corner just right where she can take pictures while still being hidden from the band.

Her heart races at the scene in front of her. It’s a family like she’s never seen. They all seem to orbit around each other, pushing and pulling each other into their atmospheres. She watches Victoria dance around the room, bass in hand, strumming the lines to an old song. Thomas lays on the floor with a notebook reading off words, Damiano repeating them as he draws on eyeliner. And Ethan, who sits at his drum set, twirling the drumsticks in his hand as he observes the scene before him.

She captures picture after picture of their dynamic, taking the most of Ethan, who seems to have a magnetic pull to him. She only pulls herself from the moment when she’s spotted. “Sai, qualcuno chiamerebbe questo strano comportamento.”

The words are warm against her ear, and she jumps at the unexpected presence. She turns around, laughing to hide her embarrassment, trying to translate the words in her head. She freezes when she sees it’s Ethan, trying to figure out when he slipped away from the rest of the group.

“Ah, niente italiano. Er, it’s unusual, what you are doing.”

Another nervous laugh leaves her lips, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be creepy. There’s something about the way the group is when no one is watching, it’s hard to ignore, it needed to be captured.”

He smiles at that. It’s soft and warm and she feels as if the world has stopped spinning. A song plays between their hearts as a silence falls over them. There’s a beauty about him that makes it hard to focus on anything but him.

A series of crashes followed by loud curses in Italian breaks the spell that they were under and Ethan pulls himself away from her to go and manage his friends. She uses this moment as an excuse to slip away and tour the rest of the house, ending in the kitchen where dinner is being prepared. She snaps a few photos of the chefs cooking, already envisioning the blog post they’ll go along with.

When everyone has made their way to the dining room a toast is made; to new adventures, to new friends, and to family. Sweet wine and light rain makes the time pass faster and the evening flows into night easily. The group parts only moments after midnight, long days ahead calling them to catch up on sleep now.

The month flows by with days and nights blurring together. It seems the studio is really the only place they call home, spending every waking moment in the room that houses their instruments. She stays with them through the long hours, snapping photos of the weird things they get themselves up to. Her hard drive slowly fills with collections of each band member, ones for the public eye and ones she sends to them to make them laugh.

The end of the month brings a party, something small to celebrate sold out tour dates. A night out to a local bar and far too many drinks. She dances with Victoria, who has become her best friend in the few weeks she’s been with them. Damiano and his girlfriend are not far away, but much more caught up in their own world. Thomas has disappeared somewhere, no doubt warming someone's bed for the night. But through all the commotion, she can’t stop watching Ethan.

He’s sitting at a table nursing the only drink he’s had that night, planning to take on the role of babysitter at the end of the night once everyones had too much to drink. He drums his fingers on the table, following the beat of each song that plays. He seems lost in his own world, content with being by himself. She moves away from Victoria, who easily finds another partner, and makes her way to the table.

“Sembri solo,” the words fall from her lips quietly as she takes a seat beside him.

He smiles at her, “Seems your little lessons are paying off.”

She blushes at that, not realizing he’d picked up on her daily lessons with their English tutor. “Only enough to not seem like a tourist.”

A small chuckle escapes his lips, and she wishes she could bottle the sound.

“But don’t change the subject. Tonight was about having fun, celebrating a big accomplishment. Yet you’re sitting here alone.”

He sighs at her insistence, “Sometimes we don’t need to celebrate everything so publicly.”

Something pulls at her heart. She can’t imagine having such a public life, but she understands how it must feel to never have anything to yourself. Before she knows what she’s doing, she places a hand on his arm and gives it a reassuring squeeze, a light tingle shooting between the two of them.

She pulls her hand away quickly, a small blush forming on both their cheeks. He offers her a small smile to make the moment less awkward, and she returns it.

The night ends not too much later, the rest of the crew having decided that warm beds would be much more comfortable than the crowded bar. She helps Ethan herd their friends home, laughing along with him at their drunken antics. Victoria jokingly calls them mom and dad as they help her to bed, and the blush that was plastered on her face earlier that night makes a second appearance.

It’s almost morning by the time she makes it to her own room. Ethan isn’t far behind her, realizing for the first time tonight that they share the same hallway. “Buona notte,” comes his voice from down the hall.

She turns to face him, catching herself stuck in his stare. She can’t quite place the look in his eyes, but it gives her butterflies all the same.

“Buona notte.”

February

February brings more time in the studio and less time outside the walls of the Villa. While winter in Rome is not like the ones you’d experience in colder places, it still brings a chill to her bones. She steals one of Victoria's sweaters after a night spent lounging under the stars, a small break from a busy schedule.

A fire had been lit and a bottle of sweet wine was making its way around the group. She’d set her camera aside for the evening, planning on enjoying a night without the calls of work. She doesn’t know when it happens, but suddenly she’s swaying to a drunken beat in the arms of Damiano who can’t stop giggling at her two left feet. The man had not believed her when she said she couldn’t dance, but was now biting his tongue as they moved around the courtyard.

As the night seemed to come to a lull, a game of truth or dare was proposed and all were in agreement. She finds herself sitting beside Thomas on the floor as Victoria begins the game, a stupid dare aimed towards Damiano that earns him a new haircut. The night drags on in a flurry of laughter and silly dares. By midnight half the group is wearing someone else’s clothes, and the others have barely any on.

She’s moved to be sitting by Ethan, who has an arm casually draped across her shoulder. It shouldn’t feel so electric, his skin touching hers, but it does and it’s the only thing she can focus on. Her heart feels like it’s almost beating out of her chest and the blush on her face isn’t caused by the alcohol in her system.

Damiano is the first to notice her situation, and starts poking fun at her whenever it was his turn to ask her something. It started off innocent enough, small questions aimed towards her love life, but it soon caught the attention of Thomas who was the first one to issue a dare towards the girl. This was how she’d ended up sitting beside Ethan, cuddled into his side. Ethan was oblivious to the things going on around them, until Victoria dared her to kiss him.

It seems as though time stops, the laughter fades and the silence becomes deafening. She turns towards Ethan, a mixture of panic and excitement painted on her face. He smiles at her, “We don’t have to, amore.”

“A dares a dare.” She shrugs at him.

A round of cheers raises up around them as the two lean in. It’s meant to be only a small peck, something good enough to count in the eyes of those around them. But as she goes to pull away his hand reaches up to tangle in her hair and he pulls her closer. Their lips meet again without any hesitation and it’s like the world lights up around them. Blame it on the alcohol, but if she were to die right now she’d be happy.

They pull away a second later, a small laugh leaving both of them, chests rising at an unsteady rhythm.

“Awe, they’re blushing! How cute!” Comes the voice of Damiano, further pulling a blush from the girl.

She grabs one of the pillows beside her and aims it at his head, laughing when she misses terribly.

The night fades into morning and they all climb to the roof to watch the sunrise. It’s a moment she wants tattooed in her memories forever. She’s got her arms wrapped around Victoria and the three boys huddle around them, alcohol still flows through their veins and they’re all singing different versions of the same song.

March

The beginning of spring in Rome is magical. Flowers start to bloom, mornings are coated in a light dusting of rain, and clothing starts to become less of a necessity. She takes photos of the band trapezing the streets. The Villa studio has become too familiar, moving instead to a studio in the city.

By now, a routine has been put in place. Mornings sipping coffee and eating fresh pastries while she laughs at the varying states of wake the band is in. Afternoons in the studio, recording their new album while she collects photos and videos for their ‘making of’. Evenings spent in restaurants and bars, eating some of the best food she’s ever had, and she swears she’ll never eat anything better.

She’s never fallen in love with a city like this before. Maybe it’s the city, or maybe it’s the people she’s with, but she swears she never wants to leave. It suffocates her in the best way possible, the feeling of being home. She hopes that when the tours over and her contracts up, that she’ll move here, maybe even keep these people she’s grown so close to in the past few months.

She’s thrown out of the daydream by Thomas yelling at her in a mix of italian and english for not paying attention. It’s the middle of the afternoon, they’ve taken a lunch break at a restaurant down the block, and Thomas is expressively telling a story. His hands are in the air and he’s almost knocked his wine glass over too many times to count.

Damiano sits across from her, fiddling with her camera, snapping his own photos that he presents to her proudly. She laughs at every one, but never discourages his actions. Victoria is on her left, Ethan on her right, both vying for her approval as they argue over something. She’s overwhelmed by the different directions her brain is being tugged, but the hand that snakes its way into hers calms her.

She looks down to see Ethan rubbing his thumb along the back of her hand, a soft smile grazing his lips as they make eye contact. She returns it, whispering a small thank you to the boy.

That night, she lays in bed, in the room she’s begun to finally call hers, thinking of the boy with stars in his eyes. She doesn’t know if it’s feeling like she finally belongs somewhere, or the wine that still coats her veins, but there’s something about him that she wishes she could become a part of. She wants to wrap herself in it and never leave. She’s falling for him, hard. Vaffanculo.

April

It is Victoria's birthday and everyone has decided that she must be princess for the day. Ethan and Damiano have been up since dawn making an extravagant breakfast, something that should be put in a five star restaurant. Her and Thomas had disappeared shortly after waking, returning with a stack of presents that was almost as tall as him, and the best bouquet of flowers she could find.

After decorating the patio with anything and everything they could find, it was a mad dash to Victoria's room to wake her up. She protested, claiming that sleep was more important than being awake, but at the mention of presents she was the first one out of the room.

It was a morning of happiness, and a much needed break from their hectic schedule. She recorded the entire day, from the dramatic wake up call to the celebratory sparklers that were set off that night, it was all captured.

After breakfast the princess requested a trip to the beach, and no one would dare refuse her. They found something private, a little hidden oasis an hour's drive from the villa. They spend hours there, switching between swimming and laying in the sun. She finds herself alone on the sand with Ethan at one point, watching the others like proud parents.

She tries not to think about how close his body feels to her, how she can feel the heat his body is radiating seeping into her, the smell of his body wash. He’s invading all of her senses and she’s trying so hard to focus on anything but him. “Let’s go on a walk?”

His voice is warm as the question escapes his lips. She turns to look at him and she’s thankful to be able to blame the sun for the blush on her cheeks. She nods and gets up to follow him, brushing off the sand that’s clinging to her bathing suit and wrapping a towel around her shoulders.

They disappear down the beach, walking side by side, a comfortable silence enveloping them. It’s not till they’re halfway down the beach that either of them speaks. “Are you enjoying your time?”

She doesn’t miss the hint of worry that laces his voice, and she’s quick to reassure him that she is. “Yes, very much. This is probably the best job I’ve had in years.”

He softly chuckles at her words, “Good. Good. We’re trying to make you feel like one of us, don’t want you running away.”

She’s grateful for the confession, glad that they don’t see her as just another person that works for them. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

He bumps her shoulder with his, a small smile forming on his face, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They head back to the group soon after, realizing they’ve let the day slip away and need to leave soon if they want to make their dinner reservations.

A small vineyard hidden in the valley, they’ve booked the place so it’s just them, and ordered every bottle of wine on the menu to taste. They laugh away the night, enjoying plates of delicious food and letting their minds wander. A gorgeous cake is brought out at the end, half of which ends up destroyed thanks to an impromptu food fight. More presents are opened and Victoria starts tearing up, blubbering about how much she loves the idiots she’s surrounded with.

They walk through the dark streets of Rome, singing happy birthday loudly in every language they know. It’s unusually cold, but she’s somehow been wrapped in Ethan’s jacket, his arm slung over her shoulder. She’s holding Vic’s hand, Damiano and Thomas taking turns with her camera.

The air surrounding them is electrified, she looks up into the sky and thanks the stars for the life she’s living.

May

The summer tour is fast approaching, and nerves are starting to set in. The already high energy group somehow is bouncing off the walls even more, making for an interesting collection of photos. Nerves are starting to get the better of them, and she often finds one of them wandering around the Villa at odd hours of the night. She’s good at being able to channel her nerves into something else, focusing all of the energy on a new project.

One night though, it gets the better of her. She tosses and turns in her bed for hours before she decides that sleep isn’t coming. Instead of lying in bed willing her brain to shut off, she throws on a pair of shoes and heads for the front door, thinking a walk in the warm spring air will do her some good. What she doesn’t expect to find is Ethan sitting out on the terrace, cigarette in one hand and a book in the other, lost in his own world.

She doesn’t mean to catch his attention, hoping to allow him this little bit of uninterrupted peace, but he spots her anyway. “Buona serata,” He rasps, voice laced with the quietness of the night.

“Buona serata, Ethan.” She returns the greeting.

He motions for her to sit down in the chair beside him, closing the book and placing it on the table. “What’s troubling your mind tonight?”

She’s not used to the way someone can read her so well, but there’s something about Ethan that brings her comfort in the fact that he can. “Nerves, I guess. I’ve never done a gig this big, never spent so much time with one group. I’m used to being moved around a lot, still getting used to being a permanent fixture I guess.”

The words are heavy on her tongue, never having voiced her worries out loud before. He takes a long drag of the cigarette hanging from his lips, “La vita ci dà solo ciò che sa che possiamo gestire.”

“Some would think you were a poet in a past life.”

A small laugh escapes his lips, and he shakes his head. A comfortable silence falls over them and she wishes she could bottle this feeling to keep with her forever. He turns to look at her, and it’s hard to put into words the feeling that washes over him. He’s not sure where it comes from, the urge to kiss her, but it sends him spiralling.

He reaches his hand up to brush a few strands of hair out of her face, “Le stelle brillano più luminose nei tuoi occhi, amore.”

The words and his actions cause her heart to raise and her breath to hitch. They’re close now, the closest they’ve been since that night in February, and all she can think about is that kiss that they shared.

Neither knows who leaned in first, but suddenly their lips are touching and it is everything and nothing like they remembered. While the other kiss had been hesitant and brief, this one was full of purpose. Their noses brush and their breaths tangle together, he bits her lip for a moment and a small moan escapes her. He swears it’s the best sound he’s ever heard.

He grabs at her hips, lifting her from the chair and placing her so she’s straddling his lap. She tangles her fingers in his hair and tugs softly, earning a groan from the man. The sound sends shockwaves through her and she rocks her hips against his almost involuntarily. His lips move from hers to the side of her neck, pulling small whimpers from her as he nips and sucks at the skin. It’s everything she’s ever imagined and more. The feeling of his body pressed to hers, the pleasure he can so easily give to her.

She moves her hands down to fumble with the hem of his shirt and that’s when he pulls away. “While I would normally love to do that here, how about we continue this somewhere more private?”

She nods eagerly and removes herself from his lap. He all but drags her inside the villa and towards his room. She trips over her own feet and they both laugh at her clumsiness, falling into each other as he tries to catch her but trips over his own feet in turn. He leans in to kiss her again as their bodies collide, this one sweeter and softer than the previous one.

The moment passes quickly and soon she’s being dragged through the halls again, only to be met with a half asleep Damiano standing in the doorway of his room. They stop in their tracks, jumping apart, trying to act like nothing was happening. “It’s rude to have a party and not invite everyone, you know.”

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, glad that he didn’t know what had been happening moments prior. Ethan is quick to explain that they were just having a cup of tea on the terrace and were now heading to bed, and thankfully the lie is believed. Damiano wishes them a goodnight, heading back into his room, and the two are left in silence in the hallway.

“Maybe we should go to bed,” he whispers to her.

Her heart sinks, but she nods her head in agreement and turns to walk back down the hall to her room. She’s not really sure how the night was going to end, but this was definitely not how she wanted it to; walking in silence next to someone her heart aches for, pretending that nothing had happened between them.

He walks her up to her door, still ever the gentleman, and places a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Buona notte, amore.”

The words should not sound as sad as they do, and she tries her hardest to keep the tears welling up in her eyes at bay as she watches him turn and walk away.

June

How do you go back to being just friends after making out with someone? Well, you don’t. At least, not fully. They dance around each other without knowing it, avoiding any contact that could lead to something more or allude to something else, but there are still moments where the world seems to slip away and it’s just the two of them.

The tour kicks off at a festival in Amsterdam. Blue skies and sunny days greet them as they get off the plane. They have a day to explore before their first show, and no one can decide how to spend it. In the end, Victoria drags Thomas off to do some shopping, Damiano plans a trip to a few museums with his girlfriend, and she is left with Ethan.

She’s not truly stuck with him, but she doesn’t feel like wandering a forgein city all by herself. Since the night in the Villa, they haven’t spent longer than a few minutes alone together, both refusing to acknowledge what had happened.

A trip to the beach seems like the best place to be, and within the hour she’s lounging in the sun listening to Ethan read a book. It’s peaceful, the sound of the waves and his voice lulling her into a half sleep. She’s got a drink in her hands, something sweet and fruity, and she’s sharing a cigarette with Ethan. It’s a scene she thinks one would find in a movie.

She rolls herself over so she’s laying on her back, staring up at Ethan who sits beside her. She places her hand on his leg and traces random shapes into his skin. Goosebumps rise in the wake of her fingertips, and he tries to stay focused on the book in his hands but finds it hard to do so. “You are very distracting, amore.”

She looks up at him innocently and she can’t help but admire him. His hair is tucked away in a bun, but a few pieces have fallen out and are flying in the gentle breeze. He’s only wearing a pair of swim trunks, broad chest on full display. He catches her roaming eyes as they make their way back to his face, a smirk slowly forming on his face. “Or maybe I’m the one distracting you, no?”

She smiles shyly and looks away from him, because yes, he is distracting her, and she’s finding it very hard to not kiss him right now. He chuckles at her, reaching his hand towards her face and turning it back towards him. He leans down towards her, “I’m going to kiss you now, okay?”

All she can do is nod, and a second later his lips are on hers. It’s sweet and slow, she can taste the tobacco on his lips and it’s intoxicating. She moves so she’s sitting up, leaning into him more, the world around them fading out until all that is left is them.

A few days later they find themselves in a hotel room in Munich. There’s music playing and everyone’s laughing. Her camera hasn’t left her hands all night, every moment needing to be captured as they ride the after show high.

She’s in the middle of recording Thomas’ one man act when a pair of arms wrap themselves around her waist. She knows exactly who it is by the scent that invades her nostrils and sends her brain into overdrive. She lets out a sudden, loud laugh, as his fingers trace themselves up and down her sides, collapsing into his chest as she struggles to breath.

He picks her up and spins her around, letting out an equally loud laugh at her protests. He’s happy, and it’s something that looks better on him than any designer outfit he could ever buy.

He falls onto one of the beds, pulling her down with him. She lands beside him tangled in his arms, he’s looking at her with a goofy grin on his face. The world seems to silence around them as their eyes lock. Her smile softens and she reaches her hand over to brush an eyelash off his cheek, he catches her hand before she can pull it away and brings it to his lips, kissing it gently.

He looks ethereal in this moment, hair strewn all over the place, a wild look in his eyes. She reaches for her camera and brings it up to capture him, never wanting to forget this moment.

The streets of Prague are empty, save for the two of them walking hand in hand down them. It’s early, almost too early to be considered an acceptable time to be awake, but they continue on nonetheless. A wild craving for something sweet had brought upon their adventure, and with the look she was giving him, he couldn’t say no to accompanying her.

They had been sitting on the balcony of her hotel room, watching the sun starting to peak out over the horizon and sharing a cigarette when she had turned to him with a mischievous look in her eyes. “I want something sweet.”

The comment had earned her an offer to order room service, but she shakes her head at the idea, standing up and walking back into the room. “No. Something real, maybe a coffee too.”

He follows her in, watching her pull on a shirt to cover the bralette she had been sitting in. “È presto, amore. Let’s go to bed. We can order something when the sun is awake also.”

She smiles at his words, but makes no move to stop dressing. She grabs her wallet and room key before heading to the door, stopping to turn and look at him, a question in her eyes.

“Fine, I’ll come with you.” He says after a moment, throwing on his jacket and walking over to her.

It’s 7:30 in the morning, the sun is starting to make it’s daily appearance, and they are happy. The small bakery they stumble into is just opening for the day and they’re greeted by the owner, an older lady with the sweetest smile. She speaks in broken English, an obvious language barrier between the group of them, but no one seems to mind.

She orders herself a poppy strudel and a coffee, Ethan ordering a croissant and an espresso, before sitting down at one of the small tables. He sits beside her, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into his side. He presses a soft kiss into the crown of her head and she sighs in content.

Moments like this are what she lives for. She might only be here because she works for them, but somewhere along the way she’s become part of their little family. She looks over to Ethan who’s lost in conversation with the owner, and she whispers to herself, “Penso di essermi innamorato di te.”

She doesn’t know that he hears her, his smile spreading wider across his face.

July

The turnover from June to July happens mid concert in Stockholm. She swears she can feel it, the sudden shift, a slight change in the air. She’s running around in front of the stage capturing pictures of the band in what she’s come to call their ‘natural habitat’. There’s an indescribable buzz in the air as they perform, the crowd becoming louder and louder with each song.

She keeps catching Ethans eye and there’s something primal in the way he looks at her. During a song switch, while Damiano rambles to the crowd, he motions her on stage. He tells her to get closer to everyone, promising that they won’t bite, and she giggles at him. She does what he says nonetheless, capturing some up close photos of the band and a few great shots of the crowd.

All too soon the show is ending and everyone’s piling into the car, a small party taking place in the backseat. Damiano has music blasting from his phone, Victoria and Thomas are dancing along to the beat, and Ethan is belting out the lyrics. She watches the group of them, laughing so hard her sides hurt, and she’s never felt more at home.

When they get to the hotel he’s quick to pull her towards his room, thankfully void of a roommate for the night. The second they get into the room, his lips are on hers. He pulls her close to his body and her hands tangle themselves in his hair. It’s nothing like any of their previous kisses, it’s heated and fast, every thought trying to be conveyed by the fever of it. She pulls back slightly to catch her breath and he leans in to whisper in her ear, “Join me in the shower?”

It’s not so much a question as a statement, but she nods her head eagerly, quick to follow him into the bathroom. He strips himself of the few clothes he’s wearing (most having been thrown off during the show), before turning to her. He reaches his arms out towards her, pulling her close to him and tugging on her shirt. She barely registers him pulling off her clothes, too focused on his body in front of her.

She’s never seen him so bare, and she’s having a hard time focussing on anything else. It’s not until her body hits the warm water that she snaps back to reality. He looks wild, eyes blown with lust, a wicked smile on his face. She firmly plants her lips on his, moaning into the kiss as he grabs at her. His hands are skilled and know every way to pull those delicious sounds from her lips.

It’s quick and dirty, and it is everything she has ever imagined it would be.

An hour later, she’s tangled up in the sheets of his bed, his entire being engulfing her as they watch the stars outside the window. She wonders if they are watching them too.

Paris is the city of lights, a statement she’s never been more sure of. The streets are lit with every light, shining brighter than the stars. She’s in a permanent state of bliss, after the night she shared with Ethan. Their relationship is hidden from the public, living in stolen moments and nights in hotel rooms, but she’s never been happier to be someone's dirty secret.

The band is electric on stage, something about the city they’re in taking their performance to a whole new level. The show goes on longer than it should have, but none of them even care when their manager comes over to reprimand them. They hang around to greet fans and take photos with anyone and everyone, and it’s not until security has to kick them out that they finally leave.

They find themselves in a bar, not sure what part of the city they’re in, but no one cares when the night feels like this. They drink expensive drinks that they can’t pronounce the name of, dance to songs they don’t know the words to, and feel more alive than they’ve ever felt. It’s like the world turned itself up to 11 just for them.

She dances with Ethan, not caring who sees because the night is theirs and no one cares. She kisses him in the middle of the dance floor and he pulls her into a vacant bathroom. It’s hot and heavy and the smell of alcohol envelopes them, but they couldn’t care less. Is this love? They don’t care. They’re young and dumb, and well, you only live once.

Back at the hotel they spend the night wrapped in bedsheets on the balcony, a bottle of champagne and a pack of cigarettes shared between the two of them. He points to the stars, a stupid grin on his face, “Le stelle brillano solo per noi.”

She snorts, throwing an abandoned pillow at him. He grabs her arm and pulls her into him, tickling her sides until she’s begging him to stop, tears staining her cheeks but a laugh like no other leaving her lips.

As the night bleeds into morning, and both are hazy with sleep, he whispers to her, “Sei il mio universo.”

They walk down the streets of London, his arm slung over her shoulders as she rambles away, both blissfully unaware of the few fans snapping photos down the street. They don’t notice the group of girls following them, cameras and phones in hand, capturing picture after picture of the couple.

By the time they reach the shop, the photos are already out into the world.

As they order, reposts and comments start flowing, and their phones start lighting up with notifications.

Before they can pay, she’s crying.

Rule number one of being in the public eye; never look at the comments, distance yourself from social media as much as possible, it will never end well.

The final stop in Rome was supposed to be a welcome home. A big celebration was to occur after their last concert, but now, it’s nothing more than finding the quickest way back home. She sits in one of the dressing rooms the entire show, waiting for it to end, scrolling through her social media.

She knows she shouldn’t be, that’ll all it’s doing is hurting her, making her feel worse. But she can’t stop. The comments aimed towards her and the drummer are terrible, and she wishes she could just delete herself from existence. They aren’t even dating, at least not officially, but she’s been deemed the girlfriend from hell. She’s unknowingly stolen something that never belonged to anyone to begin with.

Damianos girlfriend is in the room with her, telling her of her own horror stories dealing with fans, and she knows she’s just trying to help, but she really wishes she would just shut up. She loves the girl to death, she’s been a blessing this entire time, but she feels her mind is too far gone to be saved from the madness.

It’s only a few minutes later that the band wanders in, the usual after show high replaced with a sudden heaviness. Ethan comes to stand by her after putting his things away and pulls her into a tight hug. “Amore mio.”

He’s sweaty and could definitely use a shower, but the hug is comforting. She rubs his back soothingly, knowing this is just as hard on him as it is on her. Their management team has told everyone to remain quiet about it, disappearing from the internet until further notice while they figure out how to manage the situation. It’s maddening, the inability to speak out and protect her. He wishes he could snap his fingers and everything would be fixed, but he knows nothing is ever that easy.

They make their way back to the villa in silence, the car filled with a strangeness. She’s sandwiched between Victoria and Ethan, leaning on the bassist's shoulder, watching her play a game on her phone. It’s not how anyone wanted to end the tour, but the world is a strange and cruel place. Everything good always comes burning down.

August

There’s a party at the villa one night. Things have calmed down enough that she doesn’t spiral every time she looks at her phone, but there’s something in the way Ethan acts around her that makes her uneasy. She’s standing out on the patio, trying to avoid the questioning eyes from everyone in the house. She hasn’t spoken to Ethan all day, and the alcohol coursing through her veins makes her even angrier than she knows she should be.

Out of the corner of her eye she sees him walk out the door beside her, a small scoff leaving her lips as he tries to speak to her.

“Couldn’t be bothered to talk to me all day, what’s changed that you’ve decided to grace me with your presence?”

He looks at her, stunned. “I don’t get what you mean.”

She scoffs again, placing her glass on the table across from her. “Since London you’ve done nothing but ignore me. I get that this wasn’t easy for you, but it wasn’t exactly a cake walk for me. I needed you, Ethan, and you left me.” Her voice is raw and scratchy, the feeling of wanting to cry tickling the back of her throat.

“I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how Dami does it, how he can deal with the comments and messages. My brain won’t shut off, I can’t stop thinking about how if I had been more careful, I could’ve protected you and none of this would’ve happened. I feel stupid for thinking I could have. I hate seeing you like this, I wish I could take you away from all of this.” His voice slowly lowers, till it’s nothing more than a whisper, words meant only for her.

“I was never what you wanted, was I? This was just all some stupid game to you. I was just someone you could use to get off.” Her voice is laced with pain, a small crack coming out as she speaks.

He shakes his head, laughing slightly, and turns to look away from her. He walks a few steps before turning to face her again, “No. No, you were exactly what I wanted. You were everything to me. We were the same type of crazy.”

“I don’t understand Ethan, then what was the problem? This feels like a confession and a break up all in one.” She crosses her arms and leans against the wall, watching as he pulls a cigarette out from his pocket and lights it.

The familiar sight creates something warm in her chest, memories of summer nights like this flash through her mind. Spending the evening sitting on the balcony of different hotel rooms, sharing a cigarette between the two of them while they let the events of the day soak in. She’d give anything to go back to one of those moments. He blows a breath of smoke out and starts to speak again, “I don’t know, amore. I don’t. I want to tell you I love you, to hold you and call you mine. But I can’t.”

“Can’t, or won’t.” It’s not a question, but a statement.

“No, don’t do that. Don’t turn this into something it’s not. I want to, believe me, I do.” He steps towards her and reaches out his arms, “But we both know we can’t.”

She doesn’t know where the tears come from, but they’re there, pooling in her eyes. It’s only been a few months since they’ve met, there were no promises to be anything more than a summer adventure, but this doesn’t feel right. Her heart should not be breaking at the thought of losing someone she barely even knows.

He stops when he notices her state, reaching out to wipe the tears falling down her cheeks. “Merda. Merda! This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.”

She looks up at him through clouded eyes, “Then how was this supposed to go, Ethan? Breaking my heart wasn’t supposed to hurt me this bad? I was supposed to smile and tell you that I'm not madly in love with you and these past few months meant nothing to me?”

His heart breaks slowly at her words. He never meant for the night to go this way, and he wishes he could just pull her into his arms and tell her he loved her, that everything could be okay. But he can’t, so he pulls away from her, “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”

They’re the only words he can manage to get out without breaking down. He takes a second to watch her, memorize all the features of her face, before turning around and walking away. It’s a sight that rips her heart out, watching his form disappear back into the house. She knows this is it, the goodbye she’d been preparing for these past few weeks, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

Before she can help herself, she’s calling after him. “Being in love isn’t a weakness, you know!” But the words fall upon deaf ears.

Vic finds her standing in the same spot an hour later. She’s got a smoke lit in her hand, the third one from the pack. She hasn’t touched her lips to any of them, but the smell and the feeling of holding it brings her comfort. She was never really one to smoke, but she found it entrancing to watch Ethan do it, and right now, it’s the only thing keeping her grounded. It’s silly, how something so small can mean so much.

Her heart aches in the most unbearable way, but she can’t bring herself to do anything about it. Vic doesn’t speak, just stands beside her. She doesn’t need to ask to know that she is well aware of the events that have just unfolded, she’s just grateful for the company.

September

It’s stupidly hot in London for the time of year, but mother nature loves her unexpected heat waves. She’s home now, having left Rome shortly after the fight with Ethan, assuring their manager that she would be able to edit and upload all of the photos and videos from the comfort of her own flat.

Vic and Thomas had driven her to the airport, had walked her all the way to security and hugged her tightly before letting her go. She’d promised to keep in touch and Victoria had made her pinky swear that if she was ever in Rome again, she’d come visit. The flight was short, and she was glad the time difference was only an hour.

Her sister had picked her up and dropped her off at her flat, and she’d immediately collapsed into bed. That was three days ago, she’d barely moved since. Someone had caught her at the airport and the photos were everywhere, articles upon articles had been released, she’d had non stop messages from everyone, but all she could bring herself to do was turn her phone off.

Her photos make it to the front of magazines, her articles getting featured all over the globe, she’s made a name for herself. She gets emails from prospective clients wanting to book her in at shows, her boss sending her information for more high end gigs, but all she can think about is her drummer boy.

Her phone still sits turned off on her desk, she refuses to turn it on for anything, resorting to using only her email, but she knows everything that’s going on with the band. She’d been asked to join them again in a few months, to become a permanent part of their team. She hasn’t been able to reply.

She gets panicky thinking about seeing him again, about the things people will say if she’s caught in the same country as him. She’s stopped receiving death threats, but there’s still comments that creep in, fans thanking whatever gods made them seperate.

Victoria tries to reach out every few days, worried about the state of person she’s become, but she can’t even manage to type out an I’m okay. The world seems to be too fast and too slow, too bright and too dark, too much and not enough. Her heart aches and it’s a pain so deep she thinks she’ll never be okay again. Love is a cruel, cruel creature.

October

She finally brings herself to go back to work at the beginning of the month. She books herself in for a small band, someone no one really knows but she hopes they will one day. She’s in Amsterdam now, trying hard not to think of the memories the place brings. The band is good, the music heavy and the beat strong. They find a way to tell a story that leaves everyone with a soul searching question by the end of the night. Do you know who you are?

She’s only with them for a few nights, a short gig, but something she needed to get the ball rolling, to remember why she was doing this in the first place. After submitting the photos and writing an article that sends another wave of offers her way, she takes a few days to explore the city. It was wonderful before, when the air was warm and it felt like there was magic enveloping the city. But now, with the change of seasons, it’s even more beautiful than she remembers.

She walks the empty streets one night, huddled in the safety of her hoodie, camera in hand, and captures moments. A couple standing under a street light, a cafe closing for the night, kids running. It’s not until she hears a laugh she’s all too familiar with that her heart stops and her blood turns cold. She turns, ever so carefully, hidden behind the side of a building, and sees him.

He’s beautiful, even more than she remembers, and he looks happy. He’s walking with two girls, the resemblance making her sure it’s his sisters, but in this light she can’t be sure. She’s never met them, but he talked about them often, and she felt a pang in her chest for the homesickness he must have felt.

She tries to run, tries her hardest to get away, but she’s in an alley that leads nowhere and he’ll for sure be able to see her no matter what. The voices of the three get closer and she starts to panic, but there’s nowhere to go and she knows she’ll have to pull on her big girl pants and face him. But her heart won’t stop beating so loudly and she’s afraid she’ll break if he looks at her.

She pretends to be busy with her camera, focusing all of her attention on settings she knows are perfect, but a voice carries it’s way to her ears. “Hey stranger.”

It’s soft and it makes her knees weak and she hates herself for it. She looks up at him and his expecting eyes and her heart breaks all over again. She can’t help it, but suddenly there are tears running down her face and she can’t breathe. “Hey, hey. It’s okay.”

He places a hand on her shoulder but she pushes it away, “No it’s not.” She says between breaths.

“I shouldn’t be here, I should not be here. I have to go.”

She turns to leave, but one of his sisters stops her, “Let us walk you home, please. My brother may be a dumbass, but we have good genes. Let us make sure you get back safe.”

She doesn’t know why the words calm her, but she nods her head and lets the girls lead her in the direction of her hotel. The twins, Eleanora and Lucrezia, talk to her in fits of italian and english, trying to keep her brain occupied. But her whole body is on high alert, too aware of the man trailing behind them and how much of a fool she must look like. She feels like a mess, like someone drowning in a foot of water, but she can’t help it.

They walk her into the lobby of her hotel, the girls wish her a goodnight before shoving Ethan towards her. She doesn’t want to talk to him, and he must see it in her eyes because he tries to leave. But his sisters won’t let him, they stand tall and he looks like a child being scolded by his parents.

“Can we sit?” He asks, pointing to a couch.

She doesn’t want to, she wants to run up to her room and cry, but she nods. They sit and it is silent. Her stomach is in her throat, her eyes hurt from trying not to cry, but she sits and she waits. She studies his face, the crease in between his eyebrows that only forms when he’s confused or thinking, she wants to reach over and smooth it out. He turns towards her and catches her staring, a small smile forming on his lips.

He takes her in, allowing himself to really look at her for the first time in months, and something in his heart breaks. How did he ever let her go? Why was he so stupid to ruin something so beautiful?

“I’m sorry.” He blurts out before he can stop himself. “I’m so sorry, amore. I know I can’t say it enough, I know it’s not as easy as that, but I’m sorry and I love you. So much it hurts.”

The words hit her like a truck, they knock the air out of her lungs and the tears she was trying so hard to keep at bay start falling down her cheeks. She stands up so fast she gets light headed, “I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t.”

She turns and starts walking towards the elevators. He calls after her, but she’s determined to leave, to get away. He runs after her, catching her right before the doors of the elevator close, and he wishes she didn’t look so broken. The doors slip close and she is gone and he feels like he could break something.

Her room is cold and she wishes she was home in her flat. She throws herself into the shower, the water burning her skin, and she sobs. She sobs so hard her body shakes, she screams and hopes no one can hear her.

He’s still standing by the elevator, crying now, too. His body aches in a way he’s never felt before and he hates that he isn’t holding her right now. He knows he messed up, he beats himself up for it everyday, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. He can’t just say sorry and expect everything to be okay, but he has to do something.

November

The ground is covered in snow. It is peaceful and quiet. He’s not used to this, the cold and the snow, but he understands the appeal. He’s standing outside her flat, or at least what he hopes is her flat, Victoria wasn’t exactly sure which one was hers. He’s bought her favourite flowers and he’s prepared to pour his soul out to her.

He paces outside her door for what feels like hours, trying to get himself to knock, but before he can, she opens the door. “Ethan?”

Her voice is soft, his heart sings at the sound of it. He turns to face her and the sight before him takes his breath away. She’s wearing a dress that shows off everything he loved about her, a coat thrown over her arm, she looks like an angel on earth. “Do you have a moment?”

She’s running late for dinner with her sister, but she’s afraid if she says no to him, she’ll never see him again. She hasn’t forgotten that night in Amsterdam, wishes she would have been brave enough to stay and talk, but she can’t change the past. “Yes, yes. Come in.”

She lets him into her flat, taking the flowers he hands her, and brings him over to her couch. “So.”

The script he’d had prepared in his head is suddenly gone from his memories. “I’ve thought this through a thousand times, planned this out a million different ways, but I can’t figure out the right words to say. I’m sorry, amore mio. I can’t say that enough. I never should have left you, shouldn’t have let things happen the way they did. Loving you was easy, and I think that scared me.”

She takes a deep breath, not sure what to say. She feels tears bubbling in the back of her throat and she hates that this is her response to everything revolving around him. He notices the shift in her, can tell she’s about to cry, “Amore mio, please don’t cry. I’ll start and then neither of us will be able to do anything else.”

She laughs quietly at his words, “I don’t think there are any tears left inside of me. I cried them all for you.”

His heart breaks at her confession. He moves closer to her and wraps himself around her. She hates how easy it is for her to melt into his touch, but she enjoys the comfort of it. “Tell me how to fix this. Tell me to stay and I will be here for as long as you’ll have me. I’m yours amore.”

“Please, don’t leave me again.” The words are barely more than a whisper, but he hears them.

He pulls her tight to his chest and holds her. She doesn’t care about anything else but this moment and him.

She wakes up the next morning in her bed. The sun is streaming in through the windows and she can smell Ethans body wash laced in the fibres of her bed sheets. She rolls over, expecting to see him beside her, but is met with an empty bed. Her heart sinks, afraid that everything he’d said was too good to be true, that he’d left her, again. But the sounds coming from her kitchen prove her wrong.

She gets up, quickly changing out of the dress she was wearing the night before, and follows the sound of clinking dishes. She’s greeted by the sight of a shirtless Ethan, back turned to her, hunched over her stove. There’s the smell of coffee brewing and something soft playing from the radio. If she doesn’t think too hard, she can almost imagine this being a daily occurrence.

He turns around when he hears the floorboards creak, a smile on his face, “Buongiorno amore mio.”

“Buongiorno.”

He hands her a cup of coffee and plates the pancakes he’s made. She smiles at the domesticality of it all. He sits down beside her on the couch and they eat in silence, leaning against one another. Afterwards, she washes the dishes and he dries them. Neither one of them says anything until the sun is high in the sky and they are laying in bed together. “I love you.”

It is the first time she’s said it in such a permanent way, she recites it like it is a fact written in history books. He looks down at her, she’s curled up on his chest, a hazy look on her face. He reaches down to tuck her hair behind her ear and leans his head towards her, “Ti voglio bene.” He seals the statement with a soft kiss.

It’s light and barley there, she chases after his lips as he pulls away, and he chuckles in a way that sends butterflies into her stomach. She places herself on his lap, weaving her fingers into his hair as his tether to her waist. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

He stares at her, memorizing all of the features of her face. He loses himself in thoughts of days spent exactly like this, of a life he hopes isn’t just a dream. He flips them over carefully, laying her down on the bed. He hovers over her, arms on either side of her head, “I’m going to show you how much I love you.”

December

“Move in with me.”

It’s early in the morning and they’re sitting in bed sharing a pot of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. His arm is wrapped around her shoulders, she’s leaned into his side, and he whispers those words.

She hasn’t yet told him about the offer from the band's manager, to become their permanent photographer, but it seems like the perfect moment to. “Yes.”

“Really?”

She laughs at his shock, “I was offered to come and work for the band full time, I haven’t replied yet. But I want to take the job.”

A goofy grin makes its way onto his face, “Do it! Right now. Tell them yes, come and stay with us. Be my girlfriend?”

He’s rambling and he doesn’t care. She smiles at him, her heart bursting with love for the man. “Okay, yes! Absolutely!”

Christmas is celebrated in their apartment in Rome. The band is there, her sister flies out and his family comes too. It is a day filled with love and laughter. They eat a grand lunch that they spent the previous day cooking, his mom brings a homemade panettone. They exchange gifts in the evening, and it is everything she’d dreamed of.

On New Year's Eve they make a trip to the villa. They sing songs and drink expensive wine. Fireworks light up the sky brighter than the stars. They sit out on the porch and tell stories of things that seem so far away. He’s sitting beside her, hands intertwined. He tells her about all of the things he wants to do in the new year and she is mesmerized by the way he talks.

There will be a moment in time when the world stops spinning and everything goes quiet, and she thinks that if that were to happen now, it would be the perfect way to go. Surrounded by the people she now calls family and the person she loves most in the world.

Fireworks go off in the distance, someone shouts out a drunken happy new year! and as time flows from one year to the next, she realizes that this is all that will ever matter.

[kotos-and-smiles]

Ch.110 Analysis and Rambling

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR CH.110 OF KOT!

As we gear up for ch.111, I thought I’d still share my thoughts on ch.110 as, like always, I have many thoughts and feelings about it. I meant to post this soon after the chapter came out, like I usually do, but life gets distracting sometimes.

So, this chapter was glorious. How does this manga manage to be so perfect? I never even have specific expectations, just some hopes, and it literally always exceeds them! We got so much discussion over what the title of the Nationals song means, which I love so much. This chapter also just reminded me how much I love the more simple moments of this manga. A lot has been happening lately. There’s been a lot of drama and danger and declarations of love, and I’ve loved it all. But this was a chapter that got back to normal and reminded me just how much I love all of it. It was just these kids playing koto with the utmost love and respect for each other, trying to figure out what this song means to them and how they want to play it, and it’s so incredibly beautiful. And I’ve been waiting for them to figure out how to play Harmony (formerly known simply as “I” or Peace) for a while now, so it was satisfying to finally see them come up with so many gorgeous interpretations of the song that fueled my little analysis-lovin brain.

So, the chapter started off with Satowa freaking out over the confession, which honestly? Very understandable. Poor girl really wasn’t expecting Chika to say he loved her back, but she was still happy about it, just also worried about nationals. But just look at that sparkle

The scene with Chika and Isaki is so beautiful. Chika, my baby, really has grown up so much, and I could sob about it. Anyway, we get such a perfect line when he says “I love her as a friend as well.” Chika and Satowa’s relationship, from the beginning, was an intense one. When it turned into a true friendship, it was instantly a strong one. Beyond their romantic feelings, that strong bond of friendship and deep connection is just as important. He loves her both as a friend and romantically, and both have significance, and neither of those types of loves will he shy away from expressing.  

The way he’s able to let himself experience this type of love without embarrassment is not only a huge testament to how far Chika has come in accepting himself and love from other’s, it’s also just straight up beautiful, and Chika can see that, too, and be grateful for it. Ironically, Isaki, who gave out such good advice on love in ch.74 (which I’ll get to a bit later) is the one to be surprised about what Chika is saying. I love that Chika and Isaki are both able to express their love and caring for one another as well. Such a touching moment!

Then we get to hear some of Chika’s ideas on the interpretation of Harmony when he tells them to Satowa. In an edit I made to my ch.106 analysis and rambling (when I was a bit confused as to the translation of their nationals song) I wrote this “I like the meaning behind it being called “Peace” and “I” more. It puts emphasis on finding peace within one’s self and one’s life and focuses on the idea of self in general which, from what Takinami has stated about the song, is really important to this song’s meaning. The song seemingly forces everyone to focus on themselves and being at peace with their role in their lives and who they are to the people around them. Hence, ‘Peace’ and ‘I’ or ‘Me’ makes more sense for the journey our characters are having with the song and with their lives.” So I actually don’t think I was too far off, at least to some extent. Little did I know how much time the manga itself would devote to simply interpreting the title of the song in all different ways. I really loved hearing Chika’s interpretation, and it was satisfying to hear it coincide with what I thought of the song for so long. Also love the idea from Satowa that it changing from “I” to Harmony also might have meaning. And of course, I love how excited Satowa gets when hearing Chika talk about it with her. She gets so enthusiastic, and it’s so great seeing them bounce off each other. I love how Satowa walks in so worried about how things will be with Chika, only for him to act normally and start talking about koto, and then she gets so excited about koto that she forgets that anything even could be awkward between them and asks him to practice with her. They really are a couple of koto dorks, and I love it. It shows how much they’re brought together by koto, too. Even when words may be weird, they can still always focus on koto, and both have such a focus on it that anything distracting doesn’t actually distract all that much. But this isn’t just them returning to exactly the way it was before. I love that they were able to continue with some sense of normalcy after the love confessions, especially with how much Satowa was worried about it, but it’s different in the way that now they both know that they love each other as more than friends. And, yes, despite what Satowa said earlier in the chapter, she knows Chika didn’t just mean “I love you as a friend” she was just trying to psych herself out so she wouldn’t freak out as much, but she knows. And so does he. And now that they’ve both expressed their feelings, they can focus on Nationals together. They’re both so happy to be able to play koto beside each other, like always, but know each other’s love.

Which brings me back to some of the stuff Isaki said in ch.74 (full disclosure, this connection came out of a conversation Tessenpai and I had). “In any case, wouldn’t you think that enjoying love as yourself would be best? Whether you can do that is up to you though. Every day, unconditionally loving somebody, spending normal everyday life together. That, in the end, is quite amazing and special. Treasure it.” That’s what Chika and Satowa are doing right now, now just with the knowledge that they love each other and with the expression already out there. They’re living their normal everyday lives together, as they have been doing, now aware of just how much they unconditionally love each other. And it truly is special and beautiful, and I love how happy they both are about it.

In my last analysis and rambling I mentioned how I thought Chika and Satowa would probably have to talk things through so that things wouldn’t be awkward between them before Nationals. Of course, what actually ended up happening was even better than I could’ve thought of. But them both coming together and finding peace with each other without even having to discuss it but instead through more nonverbal communication and both their understanding of the situation and each other is even more perfect. They reached a place where they’re not awkward about it, and they can both be themselves and love each other while being fairly normal about things and playing koto side by side.

The club’s surprised reaction to them just practicing was great though! Like, that is the most Chika+Satowa thing ever, that they’re just practicing together after something like that (again, it’s all so perfect for them) but basically everyone else being hella confused was wonderful, but even the club mentions the confession somewhat casually. I freaking love how Momoya just casually comes into morning practice, and both Takezou and Hiro are just greeting him when they realize wait, he’s not usually here, and freak out about that. That pause between them thinking it’s normal and the realization and freak out is the peak of comedy. Also, love Momoya’s mindset about how much he needs to dedicate himself and how it’s not that big a deal, he just needed a bit more time with for practice.

And now on to more interpretation about Harmony! There’s not a ton for me to cover here, as they pretty much say it all in a far better way than I ever could, but it’s absolutely gorgeous how they all work together and come up with this joint interpretation for it. Also, can’t believe I never connected that “I” is the ninth letter in the alphabet and there are nine of them. Like, I’ve thought of this song and it’s meaning so damn much. Loved the brotherly hug from Chika and Momoya when Momoya mentioned that the word for gap could also be read as Ai.

This all blew my mind, if I’m being honest, and filled my heart to bursting. All the meanings coming together, all the meaning put into this song, how the mangaka has brought it all together into this one song, is just incredible. I feel like we have such a better idea of what this song means to everyone (though I posted an analysis of this song as my first post, or attempted to) and I’m even more excited to see their performance, as well as even more certain this performance will kill me from emotion.

Also, I’ve had this panel saved on my phone the entire month because look at how far our original trio has come! It makes me so emotional. Like, this panel honestly gives me so much happiness. I love the little moment between Chika and Mittsu, as well. I think it’s another example of Chika realizing who he is to the people around him.

This shot of Chika makes me emotional whenever I think of it. Chika having this vulnerable moment where he put his forehead to the kanji for both his name and love that his grandfather put on the last koto he ever made and made for him, it’s so powerful. I’m very excited to see what Chika thought of while figuring out his solo and the conclusions he came to for him to be able to play it how he wants. We may have gotten the collective meaning for the song in this chapter, but each and every club member will have their own solo and have their own meanings and significance in their performance, and have I mentioned Harmony is probably gonna kill me?

So, this post was really late, but also February was short. I’ll hopefully get my post about ch.111 out in the next couple days, but I still wanted to post about ch.110 and get some of my thoughts out about it.

Ya know, I thought this post might be shorter but looking back at it I realize it’s pretty much just as damn long as they usually are. Heh, hope you guys actually enjoy this

[dystopian-penguin]

thoughts on culture and social media that english-speakers might wanna read

THIS IS NOT A GUILT-TRIPPING POST IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. i am merely sharing a point of view for the sake of exchange, i promise! 😁😉

americans and even first world english speakers have absolutely no idea how it feels to be fully bilingual and engage in international social media

from time to time you will find yourself in an (actually somewhat serious) identity and cultural crisis that will legitimately start to affect your mental health without you even noticing. it creeps up on you and you dont realize just how uttely lost you truly are until something happens and you spend some hours heavily engaging into your own culture and language and then it just clicks. suddenly you feel lighter, your mind more at peace. and it sometimes it can go on for months, even years, without you realizing where that disconfort is coming from. feels like there is a mist surrounding you very soul but you have the hardest fucking time putting your finger on it.

now to the part it might anger some (arguably immature) people from tumblr:

i had some serious body dysmorphia (had surgery since then, thank god), and i consider myself somewhat NB. as in, some days i feel like the girliest diamond-simping disney-like princess and the others i am the grimmiest most charmingly roughish of victorian era urchins. most days are close to a middle ground, of course

im only sharing this tidbit to really drive home the point i am trying to make: feeling far removed and disconnected from your culture can be psychologically compared to being forced to present your body/gender in a way that makes you unconfortable for prolongued periods of time

in this post i will try to pinpoint and explain the actual core of the issue, where (i believe, from an university level of understanding of the subject) everything stems from.

again, i am not making this post to guilty trip anyone, for the love of god. to the contrary, i wish social media was still dominated by my culture (long live Orkut lol). it is comfortable. there is nothing wrong with being in your confort zone (with some small moderation), no matter what tumblr tries to tell you. the human race has been struggling for 30k+ years to improve comfort. hell, id love to have that privilege of cultural prevalence in social media, aint gonna be hypocritical about it

i just wish native english speakers, in special those from the USA, kept in mind our way of speaking, our sentence conatruction, even the choice of slang translation we use. none of that is truly 100% "unpoluted". a lot of times we are trying our hardest to get to a close aproximation of our native language "personality".

tumblr and especially twitter could be a little more patient with it. its is damn fucking hard to master the flick of the switch to another language, let alone needing to change your whole manner of speaking because someone, somewhere, think you might be offending someone else, somewhere else

english speakers are fortunate that their native language became the world's Lingua Franca in a way that was natural. not "forced" like french way back when, or mandarin most recently. english flows. english is easy. i freaking love english my dudes, i literally majored in english translation. but when you dont have the need to learn a second language, it becomes, THROUGH NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN, natural to assume some text on the internet is being written under the same cultural and socio-econonical optics as you were raised in. ESL has become so commonplace, even more so for the last 5~10 years, that its nearly impossible to tell what country that person might actually be from.

and therein lies the problem: assumption. different people do things in different ways. there are some that are better and healtier than others (including from, yes, "third world" countries) there are some that are boarding inhumane (including from, yes, "first world" countries). but the massive majority? its simply different. if it works for you and your family and your peers, then it works. simple as that.

but on social media you only have text. how many feuds have been sparked because of the lack of intonation in text? everyone and theirs grandma's parrot has a story of miscommunication when texting. but when you add in manner of speech and cultural traits to it, it becomes a complicated issue

and then we ESL speakers overcorrect. even subconsciously, we start to shape ourselves to the native-english culture (mostly american, for the obvious reason called "sheer numbers"). but its not our actual culture. dont get me wrong, the more you can incorporate different points of view in your life the better. fuck, god knows how badly we need this in the world right now. nothing wrong with implementing it in your daily life and even your own "personal culture" and ways. hell, just see my spotify to understand how much i love punk rock, an initially political/cultural movement that doesnt even apply to my history 😂

but as i said, we are somewhat forced to overcorrect. and THAT causes more anxiety and anguish than people can possibly imagine. youre ESL reading this and think its not that bad, it cant possibly affect you that much?

allow me to demonstrate:

i cannot possibly expect an american (you will understand why i singled you out in a sec) to understand why is it that brazilians bore no ill will towards germany after the 7x1 or why is it that this last world cup in specificthe fault was actually on the coach and what were his strategy errors, or why the fault was on the players in 2014, or even WHY the players bevahed so, etc etc etc etc. soccer football simply isnt your culture. i only know of Tom Brady's existence cause of Gisele. Michael Jordan? 98% Space Jam, 2% the Air Jordan murders way back when. I have only a vague idea who Babe Ruth is, and keeping score in baseball sounds legit worse than quantum physics.

i cant expect you to answer the diference between bossa nova and samba, samba and axé, axé and pagode, pagode and samba, samba and tropicalia, tropicalia and bossa nova. and which group of people founded what, and why, and if it was for protest what they were protesting against. i cant expect you to know why the first election against bolsonaro in 2028 was worse than sophie's choice for the massive majority of us. and why the second in 2022 was another matter entirely. i cant expect you to know what the word "caiçara" means (or even that it exists!) and howcome its a different ethnicity than the ones simply 70km away, and a whole other ethnicity with the same word if used in another state

then why do all of us ESL people need to fully and nearly college-level understand the insane intricacies of american politics? why am i expected to view the mere fucking concept of police as evil incarnated, through the eyes of a country that has basically zero training of their force? why do i need to think and behave according to an apartheid-influenced race theory in my daily life, in my own country, when im not even from those ethinicities? why do i need to see gender pay gap and patriachism the exact same way, if the foundation of families (and labor law, lol) in my culture is nearly the opposite?

i belive, like, 90% of the people reading this by now will have clicked on what im getting at.

because for good or for worse, english is here to stay. no, chinese wont take over as Lingua Franca, not even in the bussiness world, and i could quite literally write a monography on the subject as to why. no, like, i actually can, i have an university degree in it. so yes international media is in english. that boat has sailed, that horse has been shot Inês agora é morta

ESL speakers obviously know that. we had to adapt to it.

but how much before "adapting" becomes "submissive"? well, i dont know the precise answer but id wage around 6~7 bus stops ago

so all i ask if that native english speakers consider that as well. we adapted, so can you. we are speaking your language, yes. we are engaging in your culture as well along with it.

but its almost 2023. isnt it time to realize that the culture of speaking english might not be only yours anymore? 😉😝

we try to stay away from everything that is widly known as offensive, obviously. most people know where The Line TM stands for most english speaking cultures. i hardly see a quid pro quo in this, but as i stated before, i dont expect people from other cultures to understand the intricacies of mine. everyone is subject to commiting a faux pas, everyone here is human ffs.

the issue is that i see native english speakers being actively but gently corrected on an honest mistake, aaaaaand then doubling down on it under the argument "this is english speaking media". or worse, an ESL person also commiting an honest mistake but then being canceled for all eternity because it didnt fit the english cultural optics.

social media is for all. english now is, like it or not, for all. we ESL folks dont mean to offend. and more: lot of faux pas are not even offensive to us at all in translation. and theres some english expressions that sound wrong to our ears but we let it slide

i think its high time we all come together to a middle ground yes? we are willing to learn, we have been for quiiiiiite a while. but maybe, juuuust maybe, not every different way of speaking in english and point of view should be considered "problematic" if it comes from a diferent cultural optic, hmmmm?

as for the culture-privation anguish i started this with? well, if you spend so much time trying to pretend to change your very principles for the sake of not being unjustly attacked by internet strangers, it will no doubt cause anxiety (to put it fucking mildly).

do a "going back home" session. take an afternoon to actively engage in music and media from your country. no social media involved. im willing to bet with the craziness thats our world, whatever language you speak shit is utterly chaos there as well. meditate on the messages of the lyrics and the plots of the series/movies/books and everything else in it. no need to go on a full monastery-like deep dive, or even to do it super frequently. it aint court-mandated therapy, relax.

but you may have gotten much more lost on that path away from your roots than you first realized. and stopping to find your way back, even if for a couple of hours, will do your mental health so much good.

as for the english speakers, just try to keep in mind the point of view i have exposed 😉

no need to agree, no need to change. hell, truthfully no need to even keep in mind if you dont want to, i suppose. but not everyone shares you issues, strenghts, and optics. not everyone has the same life story, or even history.

and remember: at the end of the day we are all the same species, sharing the same planet. we have more in common than you think 😉

[still-astray]

Boys Over Worries

Natalie (with some help from Kai in the beginning) leads her male members in a group effort to drive away backstage nerves after performing CROWN at The Show.

(A/N: i’m not sure if i posted this before; i feel like i have but when i went to look for it here on tumblr i couldn’t find it, so if i already did pls let me know 🙂)

Genre: fluff

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: none

“Ulgo shipji anha…” Natalie sang under her breath, hoping nobody would hear her. She needed to release some tension- actually, a lot of tension- but she didn’t want the other members to feed off of her nervousness. Especially Soobin, and Taehyun and Kai; Soobin as the leader needed to stay calm, and Natalie would not be responsible for freaking the youngest two out.

She didn’t really think a mere song would have that kind of effect, but who knew what might happen at this point. Just by looking around the room, Natalie could tell that they were all on edge.

“I go up, helicopter,” muttered Beomgyu under his breath, “then I make hella noise for the takeoff-”

“Language, Gyu,” said Soobin halfheartedly, obviously not too worried about Beomgyu’s language choices, at least for right now.

Beomgyu glanced over at Soobin, looking very much like he wanted to keep singing the actual lyrics, but he changed them. “-and I make lots of noise for the takeoff-”

Natalie glanced over at the interaction, curious how he had managed to effortlessly ad-lib something so perfect so quickly.

Kai suddenly sprang to his feet. “Hey, guys, we don’t have to just sit around like this. It’s our first music show; no matter what the results are, we’re supposed to be happy.”

Taehyun raised an eyebrow, and Kai quickly added, “Well, at least we don’t need to be moping around like we placed last.”

Yeonjun choked. “Don’t jinx it!”

“Jinxes don’t exist,” said Soobin with a hint of amusement, “but all the same, Kai and Yeonjun are both right.”

“And at any rate,” Natalie spoke up, “no matter what anyone else thinks, we know we did great. Perfectly, actually.”

Taehyun smirked a little. “I suppose you call nearly breaking my back a perfect performance?”

Natalie shrugged. “So long as I didn’t actually hurt you.”

Taehyun rubbed his back, feigning injury. “I don’t know, feels a little sore…”

“Come on, we practiced it a hundred times, I know I didn’t hurt you.” Natalie got up and went to give the boy a hug, just for good measure, but he playfully pushed her away. “Oh, not accepting my hugs anymore? I’ll just go hug Kai.” Kai accepted the hug without any fuss, even lifting her and twirling her around the room. “You being almost a foot shorter than me, hugging you takes extra measures.”

“Yah, don’t mention my height. It’s bad enough just being ten inches shorter than the shortest of you giants, don’t need anyone mentioning it.” But Natalie was smiling; she really didn’t mind her height anymore. Plus, her tiny stature meant that she got babied by literally everyone when she was around the guys.

“Five foot eleven isn’t exactly a giant,” teased Beomgyu. “Six foot one over here, now…” He motioned with his hand over at Soobin, leaving his sentence unfinished.

Soobin playfully pushed his hand away. “Three inch difference, a mere three inches.”

“So that means I’m tall!” Taehyun exclaimed hopefully.

He was met with the dubious stares of everyone else, even Natalie.

“I don’t think so, Tim,” quipped Natalie in English, unintentionally making a Home Improvement reference.

“Say what?” Taehyun quirked his head to one side, confused.

Natalie quickly translated into Korean, but Taehyun still looked confused. “Hold on, let me show you,” she said, scanning the room for her phone and not seeing it. “Beomgyu, give me your phone.”

Beomgyu tossed it to her, and Natalie brought up the quote in question on YouTube. “Here is your introduction to the funniest TV show on planet earth.”

Considering that there were no Korean subtitles available, Natalie acted as translator while all five boys crowded around Taehyun, who held Beomgyu’s phone.

All of them died laughing before the clip was half over, leaving only Natalie to stay sane and make sure nobody laughed their makeup off.

Beomgyu was the first to recover. “Well, I see what we have to do with you.”

“Do with me?” Natalie echoed.

Beomgyu looked over at Taehyun. “Should we show her Boys Over Flowers?”

Taehyun smirked a little bit. “Mmm, it’s certainly an interesting drama.”

“And has some very cute guys.” Soobin winked.

Natalie blushed. It hadn’t taken the boys very long to figure out that she easily got celebrity crushes- especially on attractive male lead actors.

“But the thing is,” went on Beomgyu, coming over and putting an arm around her shoulders, “this one isn’t pure comedy. It’s definitely going to make you cry. A lot.”

Natalie edged away and hid behind Kai. “I don’t like to cry.”

Soobin grinned and came over to her, wrapping her in a hug. “Don’t worry. All of us will probably be crying right along with you.”

“Oh, maybe I’ll try it,” consented Natalie, rather enjoying the hug and not wanting to make Soobin walk off early.

Beomgyu grinned a bit devilishly. “Five dollars says she’s hooked after the first episode.”

“I’ll take you up on that,” volunteered Yeonjun, raising a hand.

“I’ll see your five, and raise you two,” quipped Taehyun.

Natalie’s eyebrows popped up. “Ooh, anyone have a deck of cards? Because poker doesn’t sound half bad.”

Soobin tugged one of her braids. “I can’t think of a better way to raise your temper through the roof than to gamble.”

“Oh, not for money,” said Natalie, a bit miffed that Soobin would even think such a thing.

“For what, then?” queried Beomgyu.

“Duties back at the dorm. We still haven’t worked out a smooth schedule.”

“Hey, not a bad-” Beomgyu was cut off by the door opening and their manager sticking her head in.

“Hey, guys, it’s time for the awards ceremony,” she told them. “Come get into place.”

When the door had closed behind her, Soobin let out a sigh and let go of Natalie. “Guess we’d better get moving.”

As the group headed out the door, Taehyun could be heard saying, “You know, I forgot all about being nervous for the ceremony.”