#how to get job in Engineering Services | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pedroscurls · 4 months ago

Text

stranded (one-shot)

summary: your car breaks down on the side of the road and a stranger decides to help you out... and you have no choice but to accept his help.

pairing: no outbreak/dark!joel miller x fem!reader content warnings: EXPLICIT CONTENT (18+ ONLY MDNI), DUBCON - please read at own risk / heed warnings!, stockholm syndrome, unprotected p in v, rough sex, manhandling, oral sex (m receiving), orgasm denial, begging, creampie, joel ties you up, spanking, light choking, fingering, age gap (reader is in 30s, joel is in 50s), no use of y/n. word count: 5.1k a/n: and here's yet another story where i'm stepping out of my comfort zone. i've always wanted to write dark!joel, but felt like i couldn't do it justice... but then ali's (@pedgito) hosting a writing challenge (spring fever) and i figured... why not? i chose backwoods horror #1 STRANDED/SIDE OF THE ROAD. please heed the warnings, y'all. this is gonna be very dark and filthy, so if you're not into that sort of thing, that's ok!

You had no idea what you were thinking—taking a solo cross country road trip after quitting your job. Maybe you thought that you’d find yourself, find some kind of purpose that was lacking in your life, but instead, you’re stranded on the side of the road. Gas empty, no cell service, and phone already on its last battery.

This is where you’re going to die—you’re sure of it. It’s how all horror movies start and despite the sun still high in the sky, you’re increasingly getting worried about what could happen when night falls. You scream at the top of your lungs, the sound echoing through the vast empty void.

God, no one would hear you scream for help if you were in real danger and that thought simply frightens you. Your friends had all but praised you for this trip—this journey to self-discovery and reflection. Your parents, on the other hand, had already been concerned when you said you would be alone on this trip. A woman, traveling the world by herself? Well, that’s just asking for trouble, they said.

And now you understand their concern. You understand their fear about you traveling all alone because of where you are now—in the middle of fucking nowhere. You should have refilled your gas when you had the chance, should have charged your phone while you were driving. Should have, should have, should have.

10%—your phone reads. You try to send a text to your parents, to send them your location, but every attempted text just comes back with the message in red text and an exclamation point next to it: NOT DELIVERED! You raise your phone in the sky, hoping that maybe you’ll get one bar of service, but no luck.

The trip had been successful, up until this point. You were in Texas, that you were sure of. But where in Texas? You had no fucking clue.

You lean against the side of your car—the sun glaring down at you and you can feel a thin sheet of sweat on the side of your neck. Why did you think this was even a good idea? Traveling cross country without a plan—how fucking naive.

Your battery drains fast and your phone finally shuts off. You let out a quiet sigh of frustration and open the passenger door of your car to toss your useless phone inside. Just as you’re about to climb in, you hear a faint noise of a car engine. Suddenly, you feel hopeful—maybe you won’t die here after all.

The sudden excitement that you feel overpowers the possibility that what you’re doing is absolutely dangerous. You’re waving your arms in the air, trying to track down the person in the car who’s making their way in your direction. It’s possible that this person whose truck is slowing down as it nears you could very well be a serial killer, but what choice did you have?

The truck pulls up behind your car and quickly, you run over to your savior. Your hero.

“Hi. My car’s dead, my phone’s dead, and I just need a lift to the next gas station... Or any place where I can use a phone to give someone a call,” you blurt out, breathing heavily.

He turns his head slightly in your direction—eyes gazing at your face, then down to your shoulders and the rest of your body that he can see from the driver’s side. You’re leaning against the opened window of the passenger side of the truck. You don’t belong here, he knows that for sure.

“Next gas station is in the next town over,” he finally answers.

“Could you give me a lift there? I can pay you. Let me just grab my things and—”

“No need,” he interrupts, voice low. “I’m headin’ in that direction anyway. Get in.”

You grin and Joel’s jaw ticks briefly. God, you’re beautiful and it’s truly been a long time since he’s been with—

“Promise you won’t kill me?” you laugh, climbing into his truck and interrupting his thoughts.

Joel finally takes in the rest of your frame and can immediately feel his length stirring beneath his dark jeans. His hands grip the steering wheel to ease some pressure, but you’re still talking and you’re laughing and it shoots straight to the center of his pants. It must be his lucky day.

“If I were to kill you, I don’t think I’d be confessing that, darlin’,” he answers—the corners of his lips lift slightly. Oh, you had no idea what you just got into by climbing into his truck.

“Right,” you reply. “That’s a good point.” You look at him—taking note of his damp hair that’s slicked away from his face, his broad frame, salt and pepper patchy beard. You realize that he must be in his fifties, but you can’t help but notice how handsome he is. That’s a good sign, you think. He won’t hurt you. He’s going to drop you off in the next town and hopefully, you’ll be able to head back home in the morning.

“I’m guessing you live around here?” you ask, feeling the truck move back onto the main street. You glance out the window, watching your car become smaller and smaller as Joel drives further away from it.

“Yeah,” he answers. “Guessin’ you ain’t from around here.”

“That obvious?”

He just nods. Joel needs to focus on the road ahead of him. He has to make it seem like he’s not a threat, like he’s not just about to take you directly to his home. His secluded home.

You introduce yourself formally, telling him your name and turning your body to face him. “What’s your name?”

“Joel.”

“You’re a man of few words, aren’t you?” you smile in his direction and Joel glances at you from the corner of his eyes.

“Not much to say.”

“Well, how long is the drive to the next town? If you don’t have music, I’m gonna end up talking. I don’t usually like it when it’s too quiet on a drive and—”

“It’s about fifteen minutes,” he interrupts. “Radio is busted.”

“So talking it is then.”

“No use in talkin’ if we ain’t gonna be seein’ each other after this.”

“I guess you’re right,” you answer with a sigh. You try to remain quiet, fidgeting with your hands as you stare out the window. Every few seconds or so, you glance over at him and you can’t fully read his expression. He’s so stoic that there’s a part of you that feels like an inconvenience to him. Maybe he should have just kept on driving.

“How long were you stranded for?” Joel asks.

“About a couple of hours. Couldn’t get reception to call someone.”

“Yeah, phones don’t work out here.” Joel shrugs. “You eat anythin’ yet?”

You shake your head. “Skipped breakfast this morning to get on the road.”

“My place is just a couple of minutes away,” Joel says. “I need to grab a few things. Got some food and water for you,” he offers.

You smile and reach out to rest a hand on his forearm. It’s an innocent gesture, but it makes Joel shift in the driver’s seat. Your touch is so soft, so gentle and he flexes his arm underneath your fingertips. “You’re sweet, Joel. That sounds great. I am starving.”

Joel bites back a smirk. He’s got you right where he wants you.

Your hand drops from his arm and there’s a subtle frown that settles on his lips before he pulls off the main road. Within minutes, Joel pulls up to his secluded home. When he shuts off the car, he looks over at you and you’re still smiling.

“This is a cute place, Joel,” you tell him, climbing out of the truck.

He follows you and rounds the truck until he’s standing behind you. His fingers itch to reach out to touch you—especially when you raise your arms over your head to stretch, the ends of your shirt lifting just above the waistband of your denim shorts. He wants to touch every inch of you and he lets out a quiet grunt when you accidentally fall back against him.

“Sorry,” you say, looking over at him from over your shoulder.

“S’fine,” Joel mumbles and then walks past you to walk towards his front door. He unlocks it and opens it for you, watching you step across the threshold as you look around with curiosity.

“It’s very dark in here,” you point out, walking further into his home. You see a light switch on the wall and flip it on, illuminating his entire home. Surprisingly, Joel’s large hand encompasses your wrist in a tight grip. You let out a quiet gasp and turn around to look up at him—eyes wide, lips slightly parted.

“You always like to make yourself comfortable in a stranger’s home?” he asks with a threatening tone.

“S–sorry,” you whisper, trying to pull your wrist away from his grip but he doesn’t budge. His grip just tightens. “Joel, you’re hurting me.”

“Pretty little thing,” he mumbles, stepping closer to you. “It’s like you were waitin’ f’me out there,” Joel says quietly.

“Joel—”

“Shh.” Joel brings a finger up to your lips and his eyes drift down, moving his thumb to brush against you. “Shh, baby.”

“I think I want to leave now,” you answer. “I think I just want to head into town and—”

“Oh darlin’,” he grins. “Ain’t no town for at least another fifty or some miles.”

“B–But you said—”

“Guilty,” Joel interrupts, turning you so that your back presses against the wall. He cages you in, hand still gripping your wrist as the other comes up to rest gently over your throat. “M’sorry I lied to ya.”

Your eyes widen in horror, the realization finally hitting you like a freight train. You had spent most of the drive admiring him—his broad frame, his quiet and mysterious nature, his large hands that gripped the steering wheel, his husky southern accent—that you ignored the feeling in the pit of your stomach.

This was a bad idea.

Getting into his truck was a bad fucking idea.

“I just want to go home,” you whisper. “Please just let me go home and—”

“Shh,” he repeats. Joel steps closer to you, his nose brushing against your own. “Gonna keep you here all to myself. Been a while since I had a little plaything like yourself.”

You shake your head. “Please, I’ll give you all the money I have back in my car.”

“Don’t want your money. Want you.”

“Joel—”

“Love the way my name comes out of your mouth, darlin’. Say it again.”

You shake your head, closing your mouth shut. You know you’re in danger, but you’re not sure why you feel a familiar wetness pool between your legs. Your body is responding to him—to this stranger… this handsome fucking stranger who can easily strangle you if he wanted to.

“Say. It. Again,” he repeats.

“Joel,” you whisper.

“Good girl,” Joel grins proudly. He drops his hand from your throat and releases his grip around your wrist. He stares into your eyes, searching for any hesitation or any inclination that you’re going to run and leave. He sees your eyes flicker to the front door and he narrows his eyes—his large hand once more coming up to splay against your throat. Joel applies just a bit of pressure and he watches your eyes go wide again. “Wouldn’t think about it, if I were you.”

You beg with your eyes—apologetic and pleading for him to just let you go. “I’ll be good,” you mumble against his grip. “I promise. I–I’ll be good.”

“We’re gonna have a lot of fun,” Joel nods, releasing his grip around your throat. “And I bet if I were to reach between your legs, I’d feel just how fuckin’ wet you are f’me, won’t I?”

You shake your head in defiance. “N–No…”

Joel lets out a chuckle. “Mmm, that so?” He tugs on the waistband of your denim shorts and pulls you to him. He’s so rough and there’s an excitement that courses through your veins. He tugs down your shorts and panties down your legs, looking down at your white lacy thong with a grin. He can see a blotch of wetness and brings it to his nose, inhaling deeply as he lets out a contented sigh. “I bet you taste fuckin’ good too,” he whispers.

You suddenly feel self-conscious and your hands immediately move to try and tug down the end of your shirt to cover your lower half. Joel just shakes his head and grabs your wrists to pin them above your head against the wall. You squirm against his grip and he kicks your legs apart, stepping in front of you to keep them spread open. His free hand comes down and immediately runs the pads of his fingers across the length of your sex—your body betrays you because you let out a quiet whimper as you arch your back against his touch.

“Wet,” he points out. “You like this, don’t you?”

You shake your head.

“Liar,” he chuckles. Joel wastes no time in sliding two of his thick fingers past your folds—your warm, tight, and so fucking wet that a large grin spreads across his lips.

You squirm against him at the sudden and rough intrusion, eyes gazing up at him. His eyes are dark, filled with lust and more than likely sinister thoughts, but you can’t help but notice his grin and the cute fucking dimple that appears on his cheek. You shouldn’t like this, but your body is yearning for more. Yearning for him.

Joel’s thick fingers plunge into you repeatedly—his other hand gripping your wrists so tight above your head that you’re sure there’s going to be bruises. You shut your eyes tightly, keeping your lips in a thin line and forcing yourself to stay quiet because you know that if you make a sound, it’s only going to fuel him further.

His eyes stare deeply at you and you’re so wet that Joel’s fingers pump into you with ease. He can see you struggling against his grip and he leans closer, lips near your ear as he whispers huskily. “Lemme hear you, baby.”

You shake your head in defiance, pulling your lower lip between your teeth. You suck in a breath when his thumb brushes against your clit and a quiet—almost inaudible—moan escapes your lips.

“Ah, darlin’,” Joel grins, gently nipping at your earlobe. His grip around your wrists loosen just slightly and he’s distracted, yearning to pull more sounds out of you and it gives you just the right moment to push him away. You miss his fingers immediately, a loud squelch echoing the walls when his fingers slip out of you.

With as much strength as you can muster, you shove him so hard that he stumbles backwards with a grunt. You look around haphazardly, eyes wide, heart beating out of your chest. You’re very well aware that your lower half is bare, but you think maybe you can make a run for it—you just need to grab his keys, run out the door into his truck and drive away.

You glance over your shoulder and Joel chuckles. He fucking laughs at your poor attempt at running away because he takes three strides in your direction and takes a fistful of your hair. You let out a loud yelp and he’s already quick to bend you over the back of his couch—the edge of it digging into your lower abdomen.

You’re already trying to squirm away, but his grip in your hair tightens and pain rushes through you. You’re about to beg him to stop, to beg him to let you go, but you feel his free hand connect with your backside. The slap reverberates through your entire being and the sound of his hand coming in contact with your ass echoes through his quiet home.

“You just got here, baby,” he growls—he doesn’t let up, your skin already reddening with each spank. “You can’t leave me yet.”

“I–I–” you mumble and your body reacts automatically, pushing back into him. “Please!”

“M’gonna have to tie you up, I think,” Joel grins. “Just to make sure you don’t pull that shit again.”

Your ass is beginning to sting and you try to scramble away, but Joel pulls you upright against him. His large hands move to your hips, fingertips digging into you as he uses your body to rub his bulge against you.

“I think you’re gonna feel real good around me,” he whispers into your hair, hand sliding over your abdomen and down between your legs. “You’re actin’ like you ain’t enjoyin’ this, but you’re so fuckin’ wet f’me.”

He begins to circle your clit with the pads of his fingers and it causes your back to arch against him, hands darting out to rest on the edge of the couch. A loud moan finally escapes your lips and Joel lets out a low growl at the sound—he wants to hear more of it, craves more of it.

“From the way you’re squirmin’,” he continues, “Makes me wonder if you’ve been neglected.”

You shake your head—lying.

“Oh? Got a boyfriend back home, hm?”

You shake your head again.

“Poor little thing,” Joel mumbles, head dipping down to the side of your neck as he presses his soft lips against you. It causes a shiver to run through you—his soft lips and his rough beard. “Don’t worry, baby. I’m here now. I’ll take care of ya.”

You’re an absolute mess by the time Joel’s done with you. You’re lying on his mattress, hands bound by rope and attached to the headboard. You’re completely bare for him and he’s brought you to the edge of orgasm too many times to count that you’re practically begging for some release.

His hands are surprisingly gentle when he settles himself back between your legs and it causes you to flinch. His fingertips brush against your hardened nipples, dark bruises already forming around it from his love bites—he liked to call it.

“You’re soakin’ my sheets, honey,” he grins.

“Then let me fucking come!” you retaliate with a huff. Your eyes go wide the minute it leaves your mouth and you’re already trying to scramble away from him, despite being all tied up.

Joel laughs again. “You’re cute when you’re angry, baby… but let’s not forget who’s in charge here.”

He finally pulls the ends of his shirt over his head and you lift your own head off the pillow to get a good look at him. There’s no way this fucking man is in his fifties—you shake your head of the thoughts that begin to fill your mind. He has you here held captive and you’re sure that he’s going to kill you once he’s gotten what he needed.

But you can’t help it.

Joel’s fucking gorgeous.

Is this what Stockholm syndrome is? Attracted to your captor? Whatever the fuck it is, you’re squirming impatiently. There’s a dull throb between your legs, an ache, a need for him to give you what you need.

And he smiles. The same fucking dimple that appeared earlier that day is now in full display because Joel knows he’s got you right where he wants you.

“Gonna be a good girl f’me? No more fightin’ back?” Joel begins, reaching down to tug his boxers down his strong legs. Once the fabric is gone from his body, your eyes widen once more at the sheer size of him. Girthy. Leaking at the tip. You’re not sure if it’d fit inside of you and Joel notices a flicker of uncertainty flash across your features. “We’ll make it fit, baby. Don’t you worry.”

You whimper quietly in response, feeling him brush his rounded tip against your opening. You try to wiggle your hips down, yearning for more, but he just pulls back and shakes his head.

“Please,” you plead. You bat your eyes at him, gazing at him under the rim of your eyelashes. It’s a poor attempt at begging, at looking innocent because you look anything but that.

Joel just lets a small smile line his lips before he pulls away and mounts your upper half. You clear your throat—the size of him this close almost threatening.

“Don’t be gettin’ shy on me now,” he growls lowly. “Been pleasuring you for a while now, so it’s only fair that you return the favor.”

“I–I haven’t come yet. Please just let me come and I’ll do anything—”

Joel clicks his tongue and runs the tip of his manhood across your mouth, smirking at the sight of his precome now on your lips. “You ain’t the one in charge here.” He pushes his tip past your lips and lets out a low groan. One hand moves to grip the headboard ahead of him as his other hand keeps a steady grip around the base of his length. “Open wider f’me,” he whispers.

You have no choice but to obey—parting your lips wider and feeling more of his manhood slide into your mouth. You can feel the corners of your mouth stretch due to his girth. It isn’t long before he pushes further into your mouth, feeling him hit the back of your throat and you gag almost instantly. Tears sting your eyes and he only gives you a few seconds to breathe before he pushes back into you.

You squeeze your legs together, trying to alleviate some pressure that has been building and building between your legs and the pit of your stomach. You glance up in his direction only to see Joel with his head tilted back, chest and neck exposed, and his eyes completely shut. A quiet groan escapes his lips as he begins to move his hips forward and backward—you swirl your tongue around him, hollow your cheeks and it causes him to moan loudly.

And fuck, it’s a beautiful sound to come out of him.

He’s moaning. He’s deep in his own pleasure.

And it’s all because of you.

By the time he pulls out of your mouth, Joel’s eyes snap open to look down at you. Lips swollen, tears streaking down the corner of your eyes. You’re so distracted by your desire to come that you don’t realize what could possibly happen once he’s done with you.

You’re going to die.

Joel is going to fucking kill you.

And this cross country road trip you had originally planned was a stupid fucking idea.

Joel sees a look of fear flash across your features and it only makes him smile, makes his cock jerk at the sight of you. He moves down your body and settles himself between your legs again.

“Gonna fill you up now,” Joel nods. “And you’re gonna lie there and take it like a good girl.”

You nod.

His hand comes up to grip your chin roughly, staring into your eyes. “Say it.”

“I–I’ll be good. I’ll take it like a good girl and—”

Without warning, Joel pushes fully into you in one stroke. You feel your body jerk upwards at the sudden intrusion and you’re lucky that you’re so wet because while he slides in so easily, you can’t help but feel the painful stretch to give way to his size. Your hands try to wiggle out of the bondage, but the rope just digs further into your skin—it’s like he expertly tied you in a way that the more you struggle, the tighter it gets.

Joel’s hand moves from your chin to cup your breast, thumb brushing against your nipple as he remains still for a moment. “Feel so good,” he whispers, head dipping lower to brush his nose against yours. He can hear you panting heavily, lips parted slightly. “Like you were made f’me.”

Then, Joel pulls out to his tip only to slam himself back into you. He repeats this movement multiple times and your moans—the ones that you’ve tried so desperately to hold back—finally escape your lips and mix in with the sounds of his skin slapping against yours.

The bed rocks against the wall—his thrusts are so rough and you’re sure that your entire body is going to ache for the next few days.

That is if you’re still alive by then.

One hand moves to your hip as the other moves to wrap around your neck. He applies a bit of pressure to cut off your oxygen and you gasp, eyes wide as you stare up at him.

Begging.

Pleading.

Not for him to stop…

…but for more.

Joel grins at that and continues his thrusts, the sensation of your walls sliding along his length only urging him closer and closer to release. He can feel the tightness in the pit of his stomach begin to unravel and he pulls out, not yet wanting to be done with you.

When Joel does pull out of you, he releases his grip around your throat and hears you take one deep breath. You’re breathing heavily and he looks between your legs—so fucking wet, so swollen and he taps your clit gently with the tip of his manhood only to see you squirm.

You’re sensitive, he thinks to himself with a grin.

“Joel,” you whisper. At this rate, you don’t care if you die. Having him bring you on the edge of an orgasm only to stop is worse, you’re sure of it.

“Gonna keep you here forever,” Joel says with a dark gaze. “You’re mine now. You understand?”

You clear your throat and nod slowly—anything to get him to make you come. “Y–Yes, yours.”

“Doesn’t sound too convincing.”

“Fuck, Joel! Please,” you beg. “I don’t care what you do to me, please just let me come…”

Joel chuckles—dark, sinister. He leans down and lightly pecks your lips before he climbs off the bed to look at you from top to bottom. “Like I said, you ain’t the one in charge here.”

Your eyes stare at him and you notice the way his manhood stands fully erect, glistening with your arousal. He follows your gaze and smirks, reaching down to tug on it. “This what you want?”

You nod. “Please.”

“So if I untie you, you gonna be a good girl and obey?” Joel contemplates, still stroking the base of his length. His hand doesn’t feel as good as being inside of you and he almost loses his resolve.

But he doesn’t.

Joel’s patient.

“Y–Yes, please,” you plead once more.

“Love hearin’ you beg, darlin’,” he grins. Joel slowly reaches over and begins to untie the rope around your wrists but he makes sure that his attention is focused on you. He needs to make sure that you’re not going to run again.

Once the rope is finally undone, you roll your wrists and touch the bruises around it. You flinch and then look up at him—eyes still pleading.

“One wrong move and I’m tyin’ you up again. You hear me?” Joel growls, seeing you move to sit up. You nod in agreement and he tugs on your ankle, pulling you to the edge of the bed with such force that you let you a quiet yelp.

Joel flips you onto your abdomen and grabs your hips, lifting you up so that you’re now on all fours on his mattress. He comes up behind you and slides into you with warning—again.

A loud moan escapes your lips and you fall forwards—cheek resting against his mattress, eyes fully shut tight, and your hands gripping the sheets so tightly that your knuckles turn white.

“Feel even tighter this way,” Joel points out with a grunt.

Your toes curl at his rough assault against you. It’s like he’s possessed, so territorial and so animalistic that his thrusts drive you further into the mattress. You wanted this, but you can’t help the pain that shoots through you at his size. Joel’s by far the biggest you’ve ever had and it wasn’t like you had a healthy sex life before this.

“Fuck!” You scream, now trying to scramble away from him because it’s too much. He’s edged you for too long that you’re sure you can’t even get there—your body is humming and you can feel the familiar sensation in the pit of your stomach. You’re close and Joel knows.

He laughs and grips your hips, pulling back onto him with such force that you arch your back. Joel grabs your arms and pins them at your lower back as he pulls your body forward and backward against him. He glances down and sees just how wet you are—the hair at his base completely damp from your arousal.

“You wanted to come… then fuckin’ come,” Joel groans, pulling you up against his chest. He grunts into your ear as he keeps your arms pinned at your lower back. His other hand reaches around and dips lower to begin circling your clit against the pads of his fingertips.

You moan so loud that it echoes throughout his home. Your head tilts back against his shoulder and he drags his teeth across the side of your neck—both your bodies now covered in a thin sheet of sweat.

“J–Joel, I–,” a loud sob escapes your lips when you finally reach your orgasm. Your body shakes against his own and his thrusts don’t let up—still hammering into you from behind and using your slickness and tightened walls to bring himself closer to his own release.

“Fuck,” he groans against you, releasing your arms and pinning you back onto the mattress. His hips sling against your own—Joel is literally fucking you into the mattress and you’re already so fucking sensitive that you try to move away.

Fuck him. If he wanted to deny you of your orgasm, you can do the same to him.

But it’s no use. Joel’s so much stronger and his large hands grip your hips so tightly that you feel pain from it.

“S’cute,” he says in between thrusts. “Thinkin’ you can run away.” Joel grunts lowly, chasing his own orgasm. “Can promise you one thing, baby…” He slams into you once more and releases his warm seed into you—paints your tight and wet walls with his come. He leans forward, pushing further into you as his tip kisses your cervix. “You ain’t ever leavin’ me.”

He presses soft kisses along your shoulder before he pulls out, watching with a smirk to see his come trickle out of you and down your legs.

“You’re stranded, darlin’. Ain’t no one comin’ to save you,” Joel grins. “And I ain’t even done with you yet.”

2K notes · View notes

xiaq · 8 months ago

Note

Did you ever work in customer service? You give off been-in-the-trenches-and-are-better-for-it vibes.

Hi, this is slightly unhinged, but thank you!!

Now you're going to get the story of how I was offered a job on the spot for the first ever position I ever interviewed for (which was, indeed, customer service).

Okay, so, I'm 15, my birthday is in two days, and HEB (Texas grocery store) is hiring baggers for $7 an hour and cashiers for a whole whopping $10 an hour. Cashiers have to have prior experience OR have to work as a bagger for a year first. But I am full of teenage verve and I want that cashier position. I want it now.

I show up on my motorcycle, so I'm in my "professional" outfit but carrying my helmet when I enter the hiring manager's office, which really sets the tone for how things proceed.

The interviewer is like, "how old are you?" and babyface mcgee me, five foot tall and all of 90lbs says, "Fifteen. But I'm sixteen in two days."

And he's like, "...we can't hire you if you're fifteen."

And I'm like, "bet, but you can get the paperwork started now, yeah?"

And he says, "wait, how did you drive a motorcycle here if you're 15?"

So the first 5 minutes of the interview turn into me showing him my license, explaining DMV rules re 15-yr-olds and permitted engine size for motorcycles and pointing out my bike in the parking lot.

"Okay," he says, clearly trying to rally. "So you have a method of transportation, that's great, but we can't consider you for the cashier job if you don't have experience. We can only consider you as a bagger."

I'm prepared for this. I lay out my most recent report card, as well as copies of the sports and academic awards I've achieved in the last year. I give my "I'm a fast learner, I'm a hard worker, and you'll benefit more from me working as a cashier, interacting with customers, than a bagger" speech. I've been buying groceries at this store my whole life, so I know that cashiers are ranked by how many 'Item of the Week' they manage to hawk at checkout (typically batteries or soda or chips). "I'll be top of the ranking for Item of the week, just you wait."

I think he is reluctantly charmed by my bull-headedness. "Okay,” he says, reaching for the can of coke on his desk. "Fine. Sell this to me, then. Right now."

This man is mid-forties. He has bad handmade artwork hung up on his office wall.

"Do you have kids?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"Two," he says. "Boy and a girl. The girl is just a year younger than you, actually."

"Ah," I say, "is it getting harder and harder to connect with her? Monosyllabic answers? Spends all her time in her room."

"...yes," he says.

“I was the same,” I say somberly. “Until, one afternoon, my dad came into my room and handed me a Coke.”

I tap my fingers on the Coke in front of me.

“He told me to come share a drink with him while he grilled on the back porch and that once I’d finished my Coke I could crawl, hissing, back to my room, but he wanted company until then. And see, I did, actually, want to spend time with my dad. I just didn’t know how to initiate it, and my teenage hormones made it difficult for me to express that. So I took the Coke and stomped my way outside but once I was there, I drank it slowly. And I answered his questions about school and cheerleading and asked him about work and we planned a weekend father-daughter motorcycle trip into the hill country. And ever since then, every few days, he’ll come to my room and offer me a Coke, and I’ll spend half an hour drinking it in his company.”

I slide the coke across the desk to him. “Might be an approach to try with your daughter, what do you think?”

He catches the Coke automatically. He sighs.

"Yeah, alright," he says. "Cashier job is yours. Come back in two days when you're actually sixteen and we'll get your paperwork sorted out." I worked there for the rest of high school and I was, typically, top of the rankings for selling Items of the Week the entire duration.

Entirely unrelated, I hate coke. I don’t drink soda, and the only beverage my dad has ever shared with me on the back porch is a margarita. But he didn’t need to know that.

#Lol #Shout out to all the folks in the customer service trenches #Storytime #mylife #If I had nothing else I had the audacity

666 notes · View notes

kingghoost · 6 months ago

Text

Quickly analyzing a one-off line from The Optiratch Argument™ because I'm bored

We all know that The Argument™ was mainly about Ratchet's frustrations with Optimus' "cowardice" (BIG quotation marks) but one of Ratchet's lines really stuck with me:

"Oh- and let me guess, I'm just the medic." (TFP S1E22)

Typically when people are angry, they don't vent about just one thing. Though he was talking back to what Optimus said about the Vehicon being a miner and not a warrior, that comment seemed completely irrelevant to the argument's main topic (at least in my point of view)

One big (yet hidden) flaw in Ratchet is his lack of self confidence. His job is to cure the sick and injured, yet he never really seems to realize the value he has on his team. He truly is great at what he does - and he goes above and beyond to be of service (medic, scientist, sort of engineer... that's impressive!) Despite all this, the fact that he is the only non-fighter really seems to eat at him. His main whereabouts most of the time being in the base makes it worse paired with the fact that he seems to be the most eager to jump and "get things done." Their numbers are already small, so he feels that anything he could do isn't enough to overthrow an entire military.

By saying "Just the medic," it implies that he determines his self worth by his rank. In his eyes, he is "just" the medic. Not a great warrior that overpowers the enemy and saves his comrades, but a doctor forced to sit by and wait for his teammates to return with fresh new injuries, dead or alive.

"-Help us, we know. But you nearly caused the loss of something.. Irreplaceable. Our medic, and our most trusted friend." (TFP S1E22)

Now Optimus, on the other hand, does acknowledge what Ratchet has to give to the team, most importantly Ratchet's worth as an individual. He knows what lengths Ratchet goes to save his comrades (and, most of the time, himself) from the brink of death, he knows what a genius his old friend is for being able to conduct such intricate research with limited supplies - Hell, he knows that Ratchet built some of those supplies himself.

Learning about how Ratchet thinks so lowly of himself must've been shocking, to witness the one closest to you feel the need to experiment on himself with untested material in the hopes of being "useful" ... I think it broke Optimus' heart a little, not to mention how he was already hurt by Ratchet's rant.

Though the episode ended with things working out in the end, I really like the idea of The Argument™ making a huge mess out of both of them. At that moment they were fine and made up, but what they said/learned about each other that day will never quite leave them.

#i wish they argued more tbh #but it would make me sad #i love them so much my eebies #SUFFER. NOW. *aggressively shakes them back and forth*#optiratch #ratchop #optimus prime x ratchet #tfp optimus prime #tfp ratchet #tfp #transformers prime #transformers #maccadam #maccadams

815 notes · View notes

olderthannetfic · 1 month ago

Note

https://olderthannetfic.tumblr.com/post/784181809513644032/in-fandom-racism-discussions-in-cases-where-an

Never mind that many, many of Hollywood’s most pernicious problems are in the cinematography, lighting, and editing.

I want to hear how the cinematography, lighting, and editing affect things! Can you explain or link some articles?

Sure!

The big thing to understand about film is that there is such a thing as "film grammar", and this is a lot of how we read meaning into film.

Think of it like when comic book ladies get drawn in the broken spine pose so you can see T&A at once and some defensive clown is like "Um, um, the comic said she was the main hero! She can't be objectified meat!" But the dudes are not drawn like that. It doesn't matter what the comic said. It matters what it showed.

We know how to read that art even if we aren't consciously aware of it.

We also know how to read film.

A character looks down. We see a shot of a book on a table. We know the book is what they're looking at. A character walks out of a door. We see them in another room. We know it's just a second later and a room away, not three years later on another continent. We see a soft dissolve and we know we've gone into a flashback. How do we know? Film grammar.

The problem is that because this has not been taught in a verbal and explicit way, we often have trouble articulating why film feels a certain way.

That makes it easy for a film (show, whatever) to undercut a character while pretending that isn't happening. It also makes it easy for somebody with a few one-liners to feel huge, and no, it's not just fans randomly picking for no reason.

The classic early concept everyone talks about is the Kuleshov Effect, a.k.a. the experiment that showed how/that montage works. Basically, if you take the same clip of a stoic-looking actor and pair it with three very different things, people will talk about the subtlety of the acting. He looks so sad when looking at the dead baby! So hungry when looking at the soup! etc.

Another important concept is that closeups of faces are where a lot of the film's story is told. It's often not the dialogue that's being spoken but some other character's reaction to that dialogue that matters.

Part of film grammar is that breaking the forth wall feels weird (i.e. looking directly into the camera and making eye contact with the audience), but looking very close to the camera is intimate, while being shown in profile is not. (Being shown from behind is POV-y though and makes us feel like we're with the character.)

Film has POV, or rather "narrative perspective". It's more complicated and more prone to changing than POV in a novel, but it's there. If you cut to a particular character's reaction to show which dialogue mattered or you cut to them having a thought and then end the scene, they're important. If you cut after they decide something or exit, they're "driving the cut" and we're "with" them. In effect, they're the POV character.

Cool, sexy action dudes with a lot of abs are hot. They punch things in wide shots. But for a single perfect tear woobie, we need a closeup. We need interiority.

This is often not granted to the characters of color or the female characters unless they are definitively the lead or are in an ensemble that primarily focuses on nonwhite characters/female characters/etc. Your MCUs and your ensemble cop shows might do a good job with everyone, or they might prioritize a particular white guy while paying lip service to the idea that the whole ensemble matters.

A lot of us were taught to analyze writing in school and/or we've just spent way more time doing that on our own. It is therefore tempting to look at a script and make too much of it. But the staging is incredibly important. Lindsay Ellis has a video about Transformers where she shows a scene where the girl is saying plot important stuff that makes it clear her character is interesting... while leaning over the engine and being ogled by the camera. Nobody remembers the dialogue. They remember her butt.

Characters can be standing behind others in group shots. Characters can be only in group shots.

If the script tells you that all five of your ensemble are important and they all have equal lines, but only White Guy McScenestealer gets a closeup, then he is the main character, and he is the only one who matters.

Specifically, he is the one whose feelings matter.

The reason it's all of cinematography, lighting, and editing is that the editor is the one actually putting those closeups in or juxtaposing the characters in a way that highlights them... but for them to do that, the correct shot needs to exist. That shot also needs to look good enough.

Not only do a lot of racist, sexist crews fail to get adequate coverage, but many of them were also taught by people who never had to light dark skin and thus they also do not know how to light it or shoot it. This doesn't apply to all POC, obviously, but it's the kind of thing that can fuck up a shoot with good intentions. If the dark-skinned black lead's closeups are lit like shit and their facial expressions are the least visible out of everyone's in the group shots, the audience won't be able to feel their emotions or connect with them. The editor might leave out a lot of their coverage simply because it looks less professional even if they'd originally wanted to highlight that character.

The director probably has final say on the cut in an indie film, producers for TV or a lot of big budget stuff, but you know what I mean: someone made this choice at the cutting stage, and it might be going against what the script was trying to do.

Prioritizing the character of color needs to happen during all phases of the filmmaking or they're going to get shafted. Ditto filming women like leads and not pointing the camera at their butts all the time, etc. etc. (Substitute whatever minority. I'm sure you'll find the same pattern with non-Han characters in Chinese media.)

It's not that hard. Leverage managed to light for the pastiest, most light-reflecting blown-out shot nightmare and someone with pretty dark skin. The key thing to understand is that lighting well for this scenario takes a little more time than lighting two people with the same skin tone, and time is money.

Other types of choice may not take more time, but they do require a director or cinematographer who's really on top of things to go "No, don't do the stereotypical shot. That's telling the wrong story."

The camera tells us what to think, and what it is usually saying is "Sidekick", "Love interest", "Person number three who is here to infodump and whose feelings do not matter".

I made a couple of little video essays to try to explain this stuff more clearly. They both use The Losers, one to show how POV/objectification works and the other to show how dialogue and even minutes on screen are much less important than how a character is presented.

Aisha is the Object; Clay is the Subject

Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez: Human Exclamation Point

In my experience, fandom actually does not elevate five-second randos all that often. Fandom likes the character who cried in a closeup.

Who that character is is neither random nor equitable.

382 notes · View notes

movingthisblogcelestialtarot11 · 8 months ago

Note

what can indicate someone making a lot of money in their career?

Signs for making 💰

Sag sun—always working multiple jobs, having multiple interests. May be into stocks, trading, engineering, software engineering, marketing. May be into tourism.

Capricorn venus, Capricorn moon—Always working and grinding. Networks easily. But I notice with these placements they may go on to start a side job earlier than getting a full time job. That full time job may come later depending on aspects to the moon. Has a superseding reputation for their determination and professionalism.

For example capricorn moon aspecting saturn has had jobs come in later to their life. May not have had their first job until 20 and onward. They may have been working on a side hustle the entire time.

Jupiter 1h, Jupiter 10h—Success follows these individuals. Career opportunities opened themselves up to them. The more the native works on their mindset they become a manifesting success story! Though don’t be fooled these individuals have had to work on themselves immensely.

Venus asp jupiter—Cash flows in. Though with this placement the native can spend just as easily and create just as much as they lost. (Trine, sextile, conj.)

Venus 5h—makes money off of doing what they love! Most definitely has a side hustle alongside their job.

Aquarius, sun moon, rising—also can be known for their unique side hustles. May be into designing clothes of their own, making music, but there’s something so fleshed out and distinct about their side hustle people are attracted to. May have a blog, make music,

Gemini venus, sun, moon—very multifaceted in their skills. Almost everywhere and nowhere at once with how busy they are. Paired with Leo: they may have a high position in their community and attract a lot of people. It creates the perfect audience for them to sell to! May crochet or sell handmade items!

Leo sun, rising—Has a knack for presenting themselves in any community. Does well with meeting new people to gain new opportunities and experiences. Likable energy. Most likely to own a vlog, or a blog where they can talk and share their stories. Makes money off of being themselves. Very hardworking individuals and determined!

Scorpio rising—Works in silence, keeps their success limited to people who celebrate it. Highly successful, looked up to, and is intelligent with their finances. Knows how to save. They are a fixed sign so once they see something in their mind they will not stop until they manifest success!

Capricorn/saturn dom—knowing how to budget and is successful because of their ability to save money. Not just their job!

Libra moon/rising—May work in a job requiring long travels, be in a position where income is higher. They’re beauty and brains. Some men are construction workers with this placement and make a hell of a lot of money. If moon is in the 12h they’re more likely to travel long distances. Can become models, nurses, doctors.

Cancer 10h, libra moon, libra venus—Can work in home renovation, be a real estate agent. Makes a ton of money off of bringing in clients. If they have aspects to mercury, gemini, exalted mercury, they can talk anyone into buying a home or service.

Libra moon—may also know someone who offers them a higher paying job.

Saturn 3h—Very skilled individuals. Disciplined and goal oriented. Slow and steady wins the race. Takes their time to learn new skills in their career thus making them knowledgeable. Whereas their coworkers tend to gloss over—no these individuals tend to stay late hours and put in more effort. Had a huge chance of being recognized and moving up in their position.

Taurus 2h—Check where venus is placed. If making an aspect to jupiter, moon, the native can become financially successful. (Trine, sextile, conj)

Jupiter 2h—Controversial perspective but a lot of these natives feel as though they have enough money to get by. It just somehow comes in when they need it. Same for sag ruling 2h.

Virgo mercury, virgo 2h—Can be concerned with spending habits and analyze them. May budget a lot and try different methods for saving. Has a critical eye for finances. May make a monthly spreadsheet! Can be into nursing as well.

Venus 10h—If the benefic is positively aspected it’ll bring lots of success to the natives career. Chance to become widely known for their work. Their charm and interpersonal skills leas to success.

Aries sun—Competitive in the career field. Sun is exalted here so these natives truly want to be the best they can be. Authoritative, determined in their work. Grinds a lot. Similar to Capricorn but more extroverted. Passionate, enthusiastic, and it drives them to make great connections in their career.

Sun 6h—Brilliant ideas, determined and structured. Puts in energy to their work. Day to day activities yield long term results. Their determination is what really gets them there. Has a great relationship with their coworkers and bosses if positively aspected.

#asks #astrology community #devi post #astrology #tarotcommunity #divination #tarot deck #tarot #witchcraft #tarot reading #pick a pile #pick a card romance #pick a picture #astrology notes #astro notes #astro

655 notes · View notes

sirfrogsworth · 3 months ago

Text

These idiots have a fundamental misunderstanding of the purpose of West Point and other similar military academies.

They all think it is to create badass wartime generals and Green Berets.

In reality, West Point is primarily interested in creating nerds and bureaucratic leadership (a.k.a. middle management).

Mostly the nerds though.

The first thing you need to know is 80% of the US Army is made up of non-combat positions. (Which is why it is very silly to exclude trans people from the entire military.) This weird right wing obsession needing everyone in the military to be a roided-out Rambo is extremely outdated. The Army needs everything from cooks to musicians to janitors. But they also have engineers and physicists and biologists and doctors.

West Point pays for tuition in exchange for 5 years of service. They spend a lot of money on the graduates. The last thing they want is to create cannon fodder. They already have poor people of color to fill that role.

They want officers who have the logistical, strategic, and coordinative skills to tell the cannon fodder where to go and what to do. And they want nerds to manage the needs of high tech modern warfare. They don't care if these people can shoot things super good. They don't care if they can hike up a mountain with 50 pounds of gear. They don't care if they are women, POC, or trans. Only dipshit political leaders like Trump and Hegseth are that discerning. The people in the Army tasked with actually getting shit done only care about logistics, competent leadership, and technological superiority.

West Point offers a degree in statistics.

Do you think they are going to send a statistician into fucking battle?

No. They need that nerd to calculate how many civilian deaths are acceptable in a "proportionate" response scenario.

There is an actual formula for that. Created by a nerd. They weight the "value" of the target against potential civilian casualties and they may even factor in the proximity to a mosque or hospital. If the value of the target is very high, the concern for civilians decreases.

Find me a jarhead who can figure out that morbid calculus.

For the most part, West Point is just a university. You have to role-play as a soldier while you are there, but you can still take a philosophy class and study French literature if you'd like. It has to be a functional degree because the graduates want to get good jobs once they finish their 5 years. They want a proper education out of the deal.

Sometimes West Point farts out a top general. But they are much more interested in training engineers and computer dorks.

Manly meatheads need not apply.

271 notes · View notes

oracle-of-dream · 5 months ago

Text

Climbing the Corporate Ladder

Summary: You've been struggling at the bottom of the food chain in your job for a while now. You need to get higher to get somewhere in life. You'd need some leverage on one of your superiors. With a friend's help, you'll get what you're looking for...

Notes: Male Reader, Business Enhypen, References to Vesselsoft (Enhypen lore), No smut for Ni-ki, Swearing, Dubious consent

Monday, July 5th, 8:45 AM

In the break room, you sat alone. The sound of the expensive coffee machine whirred in the background. It's been over a year since you started working at Vesselsoft Production Company. You've been a customer service intern since you started and every time you'd spoken to one of your superiors about a promotion they blew you off.

"Oh, we're not looking to promote anyone right now."

"Promotions might come soon, I'll watch for your file."

"I'm sure it'll come anytime soon. It's just gotta pass through the right channels. Be patient."

You'd heard it all at this point. It was fucking irritating.

You sighed into your mug of hot chocolate. The taste of rich coffee never settled on your tongue right. Sometimes you'd drink coffee to stay awake during meetings–but if you had to drink it you would put in so much milk and sugar it was basically chocolate ice cream.

Your silence was interrupted by the door opening; Ni-ki entered the room. He started a year before you did, convinced you to apply for the company, and even recommended you. You were in the customer service department before he was promoted to Engineer. He advanced quickly and became a Senior Engineer before his second year ended.

"Y/n, good morning," His morning voice vibrated in his throat. Ni-ki wasn't much of a morning person, but with his position, he didn't need to come in so early anymore.

"Oh, good morning, Ni-ki. What are you doing here so early?"

The tall man walked to the coffee machine and pressed a few buttons. "You didn't hear? There's supposed to be employee reviews in a few hours." The coffee machine hummed as it produced his drink. "This could be your chance to get promoted."

You rolled your eyes, trying not to get too excited. "I've gotten my hopes up too many times already. I'll never get promoted at this rate." You sank into your chair.

Ni-ki sat in a nearby chair. "Don't be like that. You just need to get management to notice you. And customer service has the most people in its department, so you need to do something big."

"How do I do something big in customer service?"

Ni-ki shrugged. "I don't know. Come up with some huge ideas to improve?"

You shook your head. "There's no time for that... Maybe a soft bribe–like buying them a cake?"

Ni-ki scoffed. "You'll never get away with that one. The board has some of the heads of the company, even if you manage to bribe one the others might not take it."

"Which departments?"

He took a sip of coffee while he thought. "Marketing, Facilities, International Development, and Programming. I think the CFO is also coming to town."

Your eyes bulged at the last one. "The fucking CFO is here!?"

You knew the CFO to be a pretty particular guy. Heeseung, the CFO, gave your interview personally when you joined the company. He exuded a presence that was like no other. It was clear he had a preference for pretty guys in his departments. Almost all the staff were at least decent-looking, but the department leads were all gorgeous. With Heeseung at the top, of course.

You slumped over, accepting your misery. "I'm fucking cooked, Ni-ki. There's no way I'll get the executives to promote me, much less notice me."

Ni-ki chuckled as he slapped you on the back. "Well, there's nothing more I can do." He chuckled a little harder.

"What the fuck is so funny?"

Between laughs, Ni-ki breathed out. "This sounds like the start of one of those sucky romance movies. You end up fucking one of your bosses, and then you have to cover it up."

You punched him for the lack of support. "I–" You stopped before you could scold him. "...Now hear me out."

Ni-ki stopped laughing. "Wait, I was joking. That's a horrible idea."

"If I get caught."

"Who would you even go for? None of those people even know you like that."

"Not true! The Customer Service department has weekly meetings with the Marketing department. I've met their manager a few times."

"Sunoo? And how will you sleep with him in a few hours."

You scrambled to think of something while swiping through your phone and clicked on a few promising links before stopping on one. "I can go to a pharmacy and get this!" You showed your phone to him.

"Sexual stimulants? You're going to drug an executive?"

"Don't say it like that! If I get him to take them and then make a pass at him, he won't be able to handle it. I'll just need to buy a bit of time."

"And, how will you do that?" Ni-ki's expression went from concern to curiosity. He wanted to see how crazy you were because no normal person would think of a plan like this.

"Well, it's baking outside right now. The meetings would be delayed if there's a small electrical error. Right?"

He shrugged.

"If I can get the air conditioning off, that should buy me more time. And, maybe make Sunoo even more willing to... listen to my offer."

"I feel like you know my next question."

"Right, right. How?" You scrolled through the company directory. "Him. This guy! Sunghoon," You pointed to a stoic-faced man with pale skin and sharp eyebrows. "He joined around the same time I did. We're kinda friends–and he's the associate director of facilities. He could mess with the system!"

Ni-ki sat there, astonished you could spin this.

"And I could charm him a bit. He seemed a little... into me when we first met."

"Into you? So you're gonna fuck Sunghoon and Sunoo for a promotion."

You nodded fervently. "It's super simple! And, you're gonna be my partner in crime."

Ni-ki put his hands up. "I am not having sex with you."

"No, idiot. You're gonna help me get to Sunghoon and Sunoo without getting caught. Please!" You grabbed his arm as you put on the biggest puppy dog eyes.

"You know what? Fine. I'll help. But, you have to help me."

"Done."

"You're gonna fuck one more person."

"Okay, hold on..."

"You already agreed."

"That was before–"

"Just listen." Ni-ki cut you off with a glare. "I need you to get a Senior Programmer off my back. His name is Jungwon, and he's also a part of the employee review team. So he's a part of your plan."

"My plan was to get one member of the board, not two."

"I don't care. Then just aim for Jungwon then or no help from me."

"How am I even going to get close to him?"

Ni-ki smiled. "I'll handle that. You just... start your plan with Sunghoon." You groaned as Ni-ki stood up. His smile was almost devilish as he started plotting. He left the break room with a wave. "Don't forget to run to the store and get your supplies." He winked as the door shut behind him.

Now you were stuck in motion. Ni-ki was already putting his plan in motion. You couldn't back out now. With the time before the office opened, you rushed to a nearby store to get all you needed. A small bottle of lube, condoms, sexual stimulants, and a few other materials just in case.

It's time to get to work...

251 notes · View notes

buckets-and-trees · 3 months ago

Text

Red, White & True: Boston & New York [14/17]

Characters/Pairings: Steve Rogers x curvy Millennial Female!Reader Word Count: 9.1k (yes, another long one!) Summary: On the eve of the election, nerves and emotions are high, but so are your hopes for the future as a tight race becomes impossibly tighter when so many people doubted a third candidate could make a deep run. Regardless of how things turn out, you're ready to face the fact that your life will never be the same again.

Content/Warnings: political/campaign policy and discussions, marriage of political convenience, slow burn, really the slowest burn, strangers to lovers, EXPLICIT SMUT finally (vaginal fingering, cock stroking, breast play, vaginal intercourse)

Notes: This takes place in a post-Endgame scenario where Steve stays and generally most of TFATWS happened.

Author Notes: I missed getting a Friday posting out, but that's because these two had a lot to do and say in this chapter. To be honest, if I cut out all of the side characters and political plot, we'd shave down significantly, but that's part of your story with Steve, too.

Previous Chapter | Series

↠ Main Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

[NOVEMBER 1 - LATE EVENING - COLUMBUS TO BOSTON]

The campaign plane hums around you, a cocoon of noise both soothing and maddening. You've been staring at the same paragraph in your briefing notes for ten minutes, the words blurring together as exhaustion tugs at the edges of your consciousness. Fourteen states in thirteen days. It shouldn't be possible, and yet here you are, somehow still standing—or rather, sitting—in the final stretch of the most grueling marathon of your life.

Two weeks. Two weeks of campaign schedules that have kept you and Steve apart more than together, crisscrossing the country like stars with intersecting orbits—occasionally aligning for campaign appearances together before spinning away again to cover more territory.

You glance at your watch for the fifth time in as many minutes. Your motorcade was delayed in traffic, so you didn’t make it to the tarmac to board the plane to see Steve before his intelligence briefing started, and now it has already run twenty minutes longer than scheduled. The private meeting area at the front of the plane has been sealed off, transformed into a temporary SCIF—Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility—for the classified briefing, with Secret Service agents positioned like sentinels outside the door.

You make a conscious effort not to glare at the agents - it’s not their fault, they’re only doing their job. But inside you feel very huffy, knowing the precious hours together before landing in Boston are dwindling by the second.

You return your gaze to the briefing book in your lap, silently mouthing the words to force your tired brain to absorb them. Tomorrow's schedule in Boston includes a visit to a community health center in Roxbury, followed by meetings with healthcare advocates—you need to know these statistics cold. But the numbers swim before your eyes as the plane encounters a pocket of turbulence, jostling you in your seat.

Across the aisle, Sam catches your eye. He's been watching you fidget for the past half hour, his expression knowing as always.

"He'll be out soon," Sam says, his voice low enough that only you can hear it over the drone of the engines.

You sigh, closing the briefing book. "How can you tell?"

“I can’t, I’m just trying to make you feel better,” he replies with a wink.

“It’s only working a little bit,” you say.

Sophia is on his other side, and you smile a little, seeing that she’s managed to nod off, her head resting on Sam’s shoulder. She’s worked herself to the bone every day of the campaign, and she’s become such a rock to you. A rock and a trusted friend.

So has Sam. So have so many of the campaign staff, the lot of you walking through fire day in and day out together for this brilliantly mad quest to try and get Steve elected.

"Speaking of making me feel better," you say, suddenly struck by something you've been meaning to say for weeks, "I never properly thanked you."

Sam raises an eyebrow. "For what?"

"For all the interference you ran with my mom while she was on the campaign trail with us a couple of weeks ago." You lean forward slightly, lowering your voice even more. "You and Sophia did a lot to make her feel comfortable in this whole scene. She adored you, but I know you also took advantage of opportunities to shift her perspective on Steve and our whole arrangement.”

Sam's expression softens, a smile warming his features. "Your mom's great. She cares about you a lot - her worries were normal."

You smile wider. “You did the same with me, too, the day before I married Steve. And you did it with Steve and Bucky for me back in September. You see people and you build bridges between people.”

Sam's smile turns slightly embarrassed, but his eyes hold yours steadily. "Just part of the service," he jokes, but then grows more serious. "Everyone deserves a chance to understand each other. Especially people who matter to each other."

"Well, thank you," you say simply.

"You're welcome." Sam shifts, careful not to disturb Sophia. "Besides, your mom was right about some things. This whole arrangement was crazy."

You laugh softly. "Was?"

"Is," he corrects with a grin. "But it's working out better than any of us could have predicted, isn't it?"

Before you can answer, the door at the front of the plane opens. Steve emerges, followed by a somber-looking woman in a dark suit whom you recognize as Maria Hill.

You straighten in your seat, drinking in the sight of Steve after three days apart. He looks tired—more than tired, something about his expression unsettles you immediately. There's a tightness around his eyes, a gravity to his movements that wasn't there when you spoke over FaceTime this morning.

Steve's gaze finds yours immediately. His expression softens, but the tension doesn't fully leave his features. He exchanges a few final words with Maria, their heads bent close together, her voice too low for you to hear over the drone of the engines.

You watch as Steve nods once, decisively, before Maria turns and heads toward the rear of the plane where some of the intelligence staff are seated. Steve makes his way down the aisle toward you, stopping briefly to speak with Jake and Elspeth.

When he finally reaches you, the knot of concern in your chest tightens. Up close, the strain around his eyes is more pronounced, the set of his jaw rigid.

"Hi," you say softly as he slides into the seat beside you.

"Hi," Steve replies, his voice low and slightly rough, as if he's been talking for hours. His hand finds yours immediately, fingers interlacing with a gentle pressure that feels almost desperate in its need for connection.

You search his face. "What's wrong?"

Most of the staff are either working, sleeping, or wearing noise-canceling headphones, but he still lowers his voice to a near whisper. "Nothing immediate. Just... concerning intelligence."

The muscles in your stomach tighten. Since Steve became a serious contender in the presidential race, he's been receiving regular intelligence briefings—a tradition for major party candidates to ensure a smooth transition should they win. You've grown accustomed to the routine, to the way he emerges from these meetings with a thoughtful, typically troubled expression. Most of the information he’s given in those meetings is also highly sensitive if not outright classified.

You take his hand in both of yours, bringing it to rest in your lap. "Is it something you can talk about?" you ask, keeping your voice equally low.

Steve lets out a long, slow breath, some of the tension leaving his shoulders as you hold his hand. His thumb traces gentle circles on your skin, a grounding gesture that seems as much for his benefit as for yours.

"I can't discuss the details," he says after a moment, his voice barely audible over the engines. "But there are situations developing that will need immediate attention after the election." His eyes meet yours, troubled and deep. "No matter who wins."

You nod, understanding the weight behind his words. Steve has always carried the burdens of leadership differently than others—not as opportunities or challenges, but as sacred obligations to the people counting on him.

"Is there anything I can do?" you ask, knowing there likely isn't but needing to offer anyway.

"There is," Steve says, his voice softening as he shifts closer to you. "Just be here."

He leans back in his seat, his eyes closing briefly as he draws a deep breath. When they open again, there's something vulnerable in his gaze that makes your chest ache.

"I've missed you," he admits quietly. "These past three days felt like three weeks."

"I know," you whisper, squeezing his hand. "The swing through Wisconsin, Illinois, and Indiana was productive, but every event I kept thinking of what you would say, how you would handle it."

A small smile touches his lips. "And how did hypothetical me do?"

"Not nearly as well as real me," you tease, drawing the laugh from him you'd hoped for. "But you would have been proud. Polling suggests we gained ground with suburban women in all three states."

Steve's smile broadens, some of the tension leaving his face. "I am proud. Especially of that interview you did in Indianapolis." His hand finds the nape of your neck, fingers gently massaging the tension there.

You lean into his touch, your eyes briefly closing at the relief his fingers bring to muscles knotted from days of campaign stress.

"I just answered honestly," you say, remembering the local news interview that had unexpectedly gone viral after you'd spoken candidly about healthcare access in rural communities.

"That's what made it powerful," Steve says. His voice drops even lower, meant only for you. "Two days left. Can you believe it?"

You shake your head, still processing the whirlwind that has been your life since that fateful meeting with Pepper Potts in May. "Sometimes it feels like we've been campaigning forever. Other times, I can't believe how quickly it's all happened."

Steve's eyes hold yours, something profound shifting in their blue depths. "I keep thinking about where we were six months ago. How impossible this all seemed." His voice is a gentle rumble that vibrates through you. "Now we're two days from potentially—"

"Don't," you whisper, pressing a finger lightly to his lips. "No jinxing it."

He smiles against your finger, then captures your hand and kisses your palm. "Superstitious now?"

"Cautiously optimistic," you correct, feeling the familiar flutter in your chest that his touch evokes.

The plane encounters another patch of turbulence, more pronounced this time. Steve's arm instinctively wraps around your shoulders, steadying you as the aircraft shudders. You lean into him, and the turbulence settles.

"That's what I like to hear," Steve murmurs, his arm remaining around you even after the turbulence passes. "Cautiously optimistic is exactly where we need to be."

You rest your head against his shoulder, inhaling the familiar scent of him—that perfect blend of clean cotton, subtle cologne, and something that is uniquely Steve. Despite the exhaustion dragging at your limbs, despite the worry you'd seen etched in his features moments ago, this closeness grounds you in a way nothing else can. And once again, as the two of you quietly converse, tucked comfortably into one another, you fight but are unable to keep from falling asleep in his arms.

You wake to gentle pressure against your temple—Steve's lips brushing a kiss there, his breath warm against your skin.

"We're starting our descent," he murmurs. "You've been out for about an hour."

Blinking away sleep, you straighten in your seat, embarrassed. "I didn't mean to—"

"You needed it," Steve says, his hand still resting comfortably on your knee. Through the window, you can see the scattered constellation of Boston's lights growing larger below.

"Did you sleep at all?" you ask, noting the lingering tension around his eyes.

He shakes his head. "Too much on my mind."

You reach up to smooth a strand of hair that's fallen across his forehead. "The briefing?"

"That. The polls. Tomorrow's schedule.”

"The usual campaign insomnia," you say with understanding, your fingers lingering at his temple where you can feel the tension gathered there.

"Something like that," he agrees, but there's a note in his voice that tells you it's more than just pre-election jitters.

The pilot’s voice crackles over the intercom, announcing your imminent arrival. Around you, the campaign staff begin to stir, gathering materials, checking phones that had been silenced during the flight. You deplane and the team piles into a dozen vehicles waiting on the tarmac to take you all directly to the hotel to catch the limited amount of sleep you’ll be afforded before things start back up in the morning.

[NOVEMBER 2 - BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS]

Morning arrives too soon, the pale November light filtering through the hotel curtains you forgot to fully close. For a moment, you lie perfectly still, orienting yourself in yet another unfamiliar room. Boston. The final day before the election.

The other side of the bed is empty. Though everything between you and Steve has changed, deepened, and grown, you are still dancing around sharing a room and a bed. After that night you asked him to stay with you in Tucson, your mom had come for those next few days on the campaign, and then your itineraries had split you up geographically, but even on the nights of overlap, there seemed to be this half-spoken avoidance. You have been hesitant of exploring the intimacy and domesticity of sleeping together routinely in this environment. There are so many things you and Steve have said to each other and about each other, but there are still things that have been left unsaid, and the endless circuit of the campaign cycle didn’t seem like the place to say any of it.

The digital clock reads 5:47, and though you’re annoyed you’ve woken up before your scheduled 6am start to the day, you are glad for the precious few minutes of sleepy solitude you still have. You allow yourself the luxury of stretching, muscles protesting after weeks of constant movement and too little rest. The sheets smell of hotel laundry—a scent that has become almost as familiar as your old home.

Your phone vibrates on the nightstand. A text from Steve: Good morning. Couldn't sleep, went for a run. Briefing and breakfast at 7?

You smile at his predictability—yo’ve heard about his runs, and even on the precipice of potentially becoming the next president, Steve Rogers seeks clarity in the rhythm of his feet against pavement. You don’t expect it to change, regardless of how the election results go. You type back: Yes to breakfast. Coffee already necessary. Be safe.

The three dots appear immediately, then: Always am. Sleep well?

Better than expected, but not long enough, you reply honestly. Hotel pillows are growing on me.

Dangerous adaptation, he responds with a laughing emoji. Then, a moment later: Going to catch sunrise over Boston Harbor. Wish you were here.

The simple sentiment warms you more than it should. Six months ago, such casual intimacy between you would have been unimaginable. Now it feels as natural as breathing.

Bed better than running, you send back.

His response is immediate: Debatable. Will bring you coffee when I get back.

You smile, setting your phone down and pulling yourself reluctantly from the warmth of the bed. The hotel room is elegant but impersonal, like all the others you've occupied during this campaign—luxury without personality, comfort without home. You've become an expert at navigating unfamiliar bathrooms in the dark, at finding the light switches and remembering which side of the bed you chose the night before.

The shower helps clear the fog of too little sleep. As the hot water cascades over your shoulders, you mentally rehearse today's schedule: the community health center visit, lunch with healthcare advocates, an afternoon rally at Boston University, and then the massive evening event at Faneuil Hall. The final push before Election Day.

By the time you emerge from the bathroom, wrapped in the hotel's plush robe, your phone is lighting up with notifications. Campaign updates, news alerts, text messages from Sam about last-minute scheduling changes. The bubble of morning solitude pops, reality rushing in with the force of a breaking dam.

You dress quickly in the outfit laid out the night before—a carefully selected ensemble that projects both approachability and professionalism. The campaign's messaging team has fine-tuned every visual element of these final appearances, down to the color of your scarf, which matches the campaign's signature blue.

A soft knock at the door comes just as you're fastening your watch. Through the peephole, you see Steve, looking refreshed despite the early hour, a cardboard tray holding two coffee cups in one hand.

"Morning," he says when you open the door, his smile warming his tired eyes. He's showered and changed since his run, dressed in a navy suit that makes his eyes even more blue. "Coffee as promised."

"You're a lifesaver," you murmur, accepting the cup he offers. "How was the harbor?" you ask, stepping out into the hall to walk down to breakfast with him.

"Peaceful. Water was like glass. Sun coming up behind the city." He pauses, something wistful crossing his features. "Made me wish I had my sketchbook."

You take a long sip of coffee, savoring the perfect blend—he remembers exactly how you like it. "When this is all over, we should come back. You can sketch all day if you want."

Steve's smile deepens, creating those little crinkles around his eyes that you've grown to love. "I'll hold you to that."

The two of you walk in comfortable silence down the rest of the hallway to the elevator, Secret Service agents quietly flanking you. Steve's presence beside you is solid, reassuring. In the mirrored walls of the elevator, you catch glimpses of yourselves—a little tired, a little worn, but standing tall. The potential First Couple. The thought still feels surreal.

"Sleep well?" he asks softly as the elevator descends.

"You already asked me that," you remind him with a smile.

"I know. Just checking if your answer changes in person." His hand finds the small of your back as the doors open, a gentle, protective gesture that's become second nature.

Another hotel conference room has been transformed into another campaign outpost, screens displaying polling data and schedules lining the walls. Campaign staff mill about, some already deep in conversation, others nursing coffee with the glazed look of people running on fumes and determination.

Sam spots you first, raising his coffee cup in greeting from where he's huddled with Sophia, Bucky and Jake. You're about to head their way when you notice a familiar figure standing near the breakfast buffet—Maria Hill, the same intelligence officer from the plane. She's not alone. A man in an impeccable dark suit stands beside her, his posture military-straight, his expression grave as he surveys the room with calculated precision.

Steve's hand tenses almost imperceptibly against your back. You glance up at him, catching the slight hardening of his jaw, the narrowing of his eyes.

"What is it?" you ask quietly.

"Agent Calloway," Steve acknowledges with a slight nod, his voice carefully neutral despite the tension you feel radiating through his palm against your back. "I wasn't expecting to see you in Boston."

The man—Agent Calloway—turns toward you both, his weathered face revealing nothing as he approaches with measured steps. He's older than Maria, perhaps in his mid-fifties, with close-cropped greying hair and eyes that seem to catalog every detail of the room in continuous sweeps.

"Captain Rogers," he says, extending a hand to Steve. "I’ve been assigned to personally oversee the enhanced security protocols for these final campaign events." His handshake is brief, then his attention shifts to you with professional efficiency. "Ma'am," he says with a respectful nod.

You return the greeting, a sense of unease creeping up your spine. Enhanced security protocols. The words are heavy, unexpected. Should you be more worried?

You offer what you hope is a polite smile, but Calloway's steel-gray eyes catch the flicker of worry that crosses your face. His expression softens marginally—the change so subtle you might have missed it if you weren't studying him so intently.

"Please don't be concerned, ma'am," he says, his voice dropping to a more conversational tone. "Enhanced protocols are standard procedure for the final days before an election. The heightened visibility, larger crowds—it's all part of the calculus."

You nod, attempting to look reassured, but you can feel Steve's body beside yours, taut as a bowstring.

"Standard procedure," Steve repeats, the words measured and careful. His face maintains the pleasant, diplomatic expression he's perfected during the campaign, but you know the mask. “It seems a bit unnece–”

“Captain Rogers,” Calloway interrupts, “sir, let me stop you right there. My men and women and I are more than aware of your capability to defend yourself. They assigned me because I’m the one who will take the least amount of pushback from you. We know you’re an Avenger. Should anything happen, we would not be surprised to have you fighting and defending alongside us.”

You don’t even have to look, you can feel the frown emanating from Steve. You keep your eyes on Calloway’s face.

“Our responsibility is to keep an eye on everyone and everything to keep you and the public safe. Your responsibility right now is to campaign. If elected, it will be to lead the American people. That’s why we’re here. Let us do our job so you can do yours.”

“This old man is retired anyway,” Sam chimes in, stepping up next to Steve and clapping him on the back, jostling him on purpose to loosen him up.

The tension in Steve's shoulders doesn't fully dissipate, but his expression softens at Sam's intervention. He nods once at Calloway, conceding the point without quite relinquishing his concern.

"I appreciate the dedication," Steve says, his voice measured. "Just make sure your team keeps my staff safe - I’m no more important than them."

"Consider it done," Calloway responds with crisp efficiency. "We've been briefed on all locations and have advance teams in place. They will monitor and update throughout the day.”

Maria Hill approaches, tablet in hand. "If you have a moment, Captain, there are some logistics we should review before your first event." Her tone is professional, but you catch the subtle urgency beneath.

Steve's eyes meet yours, a silent communication passing between you. "I'll catch up with you," he says, his hand squeezing yours briefly before following Maria and Calloway to a quieter corner of the room.

Sam stays beside you, his presence steady and reassuring. "Don't worry," he says quietly as you both watch Steve step away. "Extra security is normal for the final push."

"Is it?" you ask, unable to keep the doubt from your voice.

"Yes," Sam insists, then adds with a half-smile, "though having Hill still on site for national security and intelligence updates is... possibly not."

You turn to face him fully. "Sam."

He meets your gaze, “I’m genuinely not concerned yet - I’m alert, but not concerned. Bucky agrees, he thinks whatever situation is developing is probably serious, but that Maria’s staying close more out of a personal sense of duty than any real safety concern.”

You frown. “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

“No. I’ve been around these heroes for years, and I know sometimes they try and save us regular folk from bad news, but in the end that never helps. I don’t think Bucky will hold back with you, and I don’t think Steve would intentionally either, but I can definitely promise I’ll bullshit you now and then, but I’ll always be straight with you when it matters.”

You nod, finding comfort in Sam's directness. "Thank you. I appreciate that."

"Come on," Sam says, guiding you toward the breakfast buffet. "You need to eat something. Big day ahead."

You follow him, but your eyes drift back to Steve, who's now leaning over a tablet with Maria and Calloway, his brow furrowed in concentration. The three of them speak in low voices, their expressions grave. The knot of unease in your stomach tightens.

"He's concerned," you murmur, more to yourself than to Sam.

"He's always concerned," Sam counters gently. "It's his default setting. Has been since I met him."

You smile despite yourself. "I've noticed."

Sophia waves you over to a table where she's sitting with Bucky and Jake, campaign materials spread between their plates. As you approach, you notice the dark circles under Sophia's eyes, the slight tremor in Jake's hand as he lifts his coffee cup. Everyone is feeling the weight of these final hours.

"Morning," Jake greets you, sliding a folder across the table. "Final numbers from last night's polling.”

"How's it looking?" you ask, opening the folder as you settle into a chair next to Sophia.

"It's tight," Jake says. "The national polls still have Monroe up by two, but within the margin of error."

"The battleground states are where it matters," Sophia adds, tapping a spreadsheet with her pen. "Pennsylvania and Michigan are looking good, but Wisconsin and Arizona are razor-thin with Steve biting on both their heels."

You nod, scanning the numbers. Your stomach churns with a familiar mixture of hope and anxiety that has become your constant companion these last weeks. The race is close—closer than any of you had anticipated when this journey began.

"Florida's polling is all over the place," Bucky says, running a hand through his already disheveled hair. "Depending on which poll you believe, Steve, Monroe, or Peterson take the sunshine state, and it skews the board no matter which way it goes.”

“So, basically, we’re doing well, but no one knows how well?” you ask.

"It's an election," Jake says with a wry smile. "No one ever really knows until the votes are counted."

Bucky leans forward, his metal hand tapping lightly on the table. "What matters is that we're competitive everywhere we need to be. Six months ago, no one thought an independent candidate could seriously contend. Now..." His voice trails off as his eyes drift to where Steve is still deep in conversation with Maria and Calloway.

"Now we've got them scared," Sophia finishes, a fierce pride in her voice.

[NOVEMBER 2 - EVENING - NEW YORK CITY]

You and Steve are put into a car with Jake and Lisa once you touchdown in New York, getting off the campaign plane for the final time. Your campaign manager and press secretary want to use the short ride from La Guardia to the hotel in Midtown Manhattan to review final notes before the morning.

"The itinerary is straightforward," Jake says, scrolling through his tablet. "Early breakfast with the New York campaign volunteers at 6 AM, radio morning shows from 6:30 to 7, then straight to your polling place in Brooklyn by 7:30. We want the images of you two voting to hit the morning news cycles."

"After that," Lisa continues, "it's a series of get-out-the-vote stops across the city. We'll hit all five boroughs by mid-afternoon.”

“Then we have a break for the two of you until dinner and a final event in Central Park at 7 PM, which should give us prime placement for the evening news for all time zones," Jake says. “It should hopefully pull in some undecided voters - the ones who are debating whether to go home after work or go to the polls, and those are the voters likely to sway to you.”

Steve nods, his thumb absently stroking the back of your hand where it rests between you on the seat. "And the rest of the night?"

"We've secured the Grand Ballroom at the Plaza for the watch party," Lisa says. "Doors open to supporters at seven, but we don't expect either of you to make an appearance until at least nine, when the first results start coming in."

“This is why we’ve got the afternoon siesta for the two of you,” Jake says, his tone straightforward, logical, leaving no space to argue, “you’ll both need to be public-ready.”

"And if it's a long night?" you ask, voicing the question that's been weighing on all of you. With such a tight race, a definitive result by the end of the night is far from guaranteed.

Jake and Lisa exchange glances. "We have contingency plans," Lisa answers. “The event in Central Park will continue through the night as long as it’s viable. If there’s any need for a public address, we want you to make it to the crowd outdoors in the park.”

“Absolutely,” Steve nods, “it’ll be a cold, long night for them, and if there’s something to be said, I want to be able to show them how much they’re appreciated.”

The car glides through late-night New York traffic, the city lights reflecting off rain-slicked streets. You feel the weight of tomorrow pressing down—the culmination of months of exhausting work, of speeches and handshakes and strategy sessions. Of a marriage that began as strategy and transformed into something neither of you could have predicted.

"What about security?" Steve asks, his voice pulling you from your thoughts.

Jake nods, his expression serious. "Calloway's team has coordinated with NYPD, FBI, and Homeland. The security presence will be significant but as unobtrusive as possible. We don't want to alarm voters or create bottlenecks at polling places."

The car slows as it approaches The Plaza Hotel, the familiar choreography of arrival unfolding once more. Secret Service agents radio ahead, confirming positions.

Even though your home is in New York - the new home you have yet to truly live in yet with Steve in Brooklyn - you’re staying at The Plaza Hotel since it will be campaign headquarters for the next 36 hours, ready to go in the morning immediately with the campaign staff.

The SUV pulls to a stop under the elegant awning of The Plaza, its golden lights glowing against the darkness. Immediately, the flurry of your arrival begins—Secret Service agents materializing from seemingly nowhere, forming a protective perimeter as hotel staff stand at attention near the entrance. Despite the late hour, a small crowd of reporters and curious onlookers has gathered behind barricades, camera flashes punctuating the darkness like artificial lightning.

"Ready?" Steve asks quietly.

“Let’s do this.” You nod, summoning a smile that feels genuine despite your exhaustion. This is the final push—one more night, one more day, and then whatever comes next.

The moment the car door opens, the world rushes in—the cool November air carrying the scent of rain and the city, the sounds of late night traffic, the frenzied murmur of voices. Steve exits first, turning to offer you his hand. Camera flashes explode like silent lightning around you and Steve.

"Captain Rogers! How are you feeling about tomorrow?" "Any response to Senator Monroe's latest polling numbers?" "Are you confident about your chances?"

Steve offers a practiced wave and a warm smile that somehow manages to convey both confidence and humility. "We're focused on getting out the vote tomorrow," he calls to the reporters, his voice carrying just enough to be heard without seeming to shout. "Every American deserves to have their voice heard in this election."

His hand finds the small of your back, guiding you forward with practiced ease as the two of you navigate the gauntlet of questions and flashing cameras. The Secret Service forms a protective bubble around you, not pushing or shoving but somehow creating space through sheer presence. You've become accustomed to this dance—the careful balance of accessibility and security, of warmth and vigilance.

The Plaza's ornate lobby envelops you in sudden quiet, the thick carpets and soaring ceilings absorbing the chaos that swirls just outside its revolving doors. Crystal chandeliers cast a warm glow over marble floors, transforming the space into something from another era—a pocket of gilded elegance that has somehow survived the city's constant reinvention.

The advance campaign staff move with practiced efficiency, checking in with each other in hushed tones. Several nod respectfully as you and Steve pass, their expressions a mixture of exhaustion and determination. These are the people who have sacrificed sleep, stability, and sometimes sanity to bring this improbable campaign to the precipice of possible victory.

Amidst the quiet bustle, you spot Eric, your logistics coordinator. When she sees you, Eric breaks away from the hotel staff, his efficiency on display even at this late hour. He's been with the campaign since June, and his ability to coordinate the movement of hundreds of people across the country with military precision has been invaluable.

"Captain Rogers, Mrs. Rogers," he greets you both with a quick nod. "Everything's set for tomorrow. Your rooms are ready—you’re on the fifteenth floor. The campaign staff is distributed across the fourteenth and fifteenth."

He hands each of you a key card in a small Plaza-emblazoned envelope. "I've had your luggage sent up. The 6 AM breakfast meeting will be in the Grand Ballroom. We've converted the Edwardian Room into our command center—all the polling data will be coming in there throughout the day tomorrow."

"Thank you, Eric. For everything." The simple words feel inadequate for the months of meticulous planning he's orchestrated, transforming the logistical nightmare of a presidential campaign into something almost manageable.

"Just doing my job," he replies with characteristic modesty, but his tired eyes brighten at the recognition. "Oh, and Mrs. Potts called. She's arriving early tomorrow morning. She'll meet you directly at the breakfast event."

Steve nods, his hand still resting gently at the small of your back, like it’s always belonged there. "Perfect.”

Jake checks his watch and stifles a yawn. "It's almost eleven. We made good time. You two head up, Lisa and I will help Eric marshal the rest of the troops as they arrive.”

You suspect Steve agrees because then he can hold you to going up as well, and he always tries to take care of you and the rest of his team. The two of you cross the lobby to the elevators, and it’s only a few moments before one arrives. Two Secret Service agents file in with you. As the lift ascends, the subtle vibration beneath your feet seems to harmonize with the nervous flutter in your chest.

Your fingers fidget with the edge of your sleeve, a small tell that you've never quite managed to control when anticipation takes hold. Steve notices—of course he notices. Those observant blue eyes miss nothing, especially when it comes to you.

"Hey," Steve's voice is gentle as his hand covers yours, stilling the restless movement. "You okay?"

You look up to find his eyes studying you with that particular intensity that always makes your heart skip—the look that sees past practiced smiles and campaign-ready expressions to the truth underneath.

"I'm fine," you say automatically, then catch yourself. After everything you've been through together, the practiced deflections feel wrong. "Actually, I'm a little nervous."

His brow furrows slightly, concern deepening the blue of his eyes. "About tomorrow?"

"No. Well, yes, of course about tomorrow, but that's not—" You pause as the elevator slows, the display indicating you've reached the fifteenth floor. The doors slide open to reveal an elegantly appointed hallway, its rich carpeting muffling the sound as the Secret Service agents step out first, performing their customary sweep.

"All clear, sir," one of them says, positioning himself discreetly near the elevator bank while the other advances down the hallway, you and Steve following behind.

You watch the numbers of the doors as you pass, then stop when you get to room 1518. “This is me,” you say.

He frowns briefly, looking at the number on his key card envelope. “Mine says 1518, too.”

“Mhmm,” you nod, looking up at him through your lashes.

The realization settles over Steve's face, his expression shifting from confusion to understanding. "Oh," he says, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "I see."

You hand your key card to the agent, who taps it to the door and enters to do a security sweep.

"I asked Sophia to arrange it with Eric," you admit, heat rising to your cheeks despite your best efforts. "I thought… for our last night before everything changes one way or another, I just want to be with you."

Steve's expression softens and he steps closer, the space between you shrinking until you can feel the warmth radiating from his body.

"That’s what you were nervous about?" he asks, his voice low enough that only you can hear. "Asking me to stay with you tonight?"

You nod, feeling shy despite the months of growing intimacy between you. "We've been dancing around it. But tonight..."

Steve's hand finds yours, fingers intertwining. He doesn’t say anything, the way he looks at your face, you don’t need him to. Reassurance and longing are written and reflected there.

A moment later, the agent steps out of the room. “All clear. We’ll be monitoring the floor.”

“Thank you, Roberts,” Steve says without looking away from you.

You enter first, and the door swings open to reveal a spacious suite, elegantly appointed in the Plaza's signature style—cream walls, gold accents, plush furnishings in muted tones. Your luggage sits neatly arranged near the closet, and a small bouquet of fresh flowers brightens the writing desk.

Steve follows right behind you, the door closing behind him with a gentle thud that seems to seal you both away from the world outside. For a moment, neither of you speaks, the sudden privacy after days of constant company and scrutiny creating a bubble of stillness around you.

"So," Steve says.

The word hangs between you, heavy with unspoken anticipation. You turn to face him fully, taking in the sight of him—this man who has somehow become the center of your universe in the span of a few tumultuous months. The lines of fatigue around his eyes only enhance the intensity of his gaze as it locks with yours.

"So," you echo, a small smile playing at your lips. "Here we are."

"Here we are," he agrees, his voice a low rumble that sends a pleasant shiver down your spine. He takes a step toward you, closing the distance until mere inches separate you. "The night before everything changes."

You reach up, fingers gently tugging to loosen his tie. "Everything's already changed, Steve. Whatever happens tomorrow..."

"We face it together," he finishes, capturing your hand where it rests against his chest. His fingers envelop yours, warm and steady. "Just like we promised."

The weight of tomorrow presses against the edges of your consciousness, but here, in this moment, there is only Steve—his presence solid and real before you. The campaign, the election, the world waiting beyond these walls—all of it recedes as you lean into him.

"I'm glad you arranged this," he murmurs, his free hand coming up to cup your cheek. "Us tonight."

"I've wanted to for weeks," you admit. "But everything's been so intense, and there never seemed to be the right moment to..."

"I know." His thumb traces the curve of your cheekbone, his touch gentle yet grounding. "And I’ve never wanted to assume or rush, but I've wanted it too."

Your eyes drift closed as he leans forward, his breath warm against your lips just before they meet yours. The kiss is gentle at first, but as his arms encircle you, drawing you closer against the solid warmth of his chest, something shifts—urgency bleeding into tenderness, months of carefully banked desire kindling into something more demanding.

Your fingers thread through his hair, fusing him to you as the kiss deepens. His hands span your waist, lifting you effortlessly until your feet barely touch the ground. The sensation of being suspended, weightless in his embrace, sends a thrill through you that has nothing to do with the campaign or tomorrow's uncertainties.

When you finally break apart, both breathless, Steve rests his forehead against yours. His eyes, when they open, are darkened with desire but still impossibly blue. His eyes hold yours, a universe of emotion swirling in their blue depths. He shrugs off his suit coat, you slip out of your coat, and Steve takes both and drapes them over a nearby armchair. Then Steve steps close to you again, his hands moving to frame your face, his touch reverent as his thumbs trace the curve of your cheekbones.

"I've been hungry for this moment," he confesses, his voice a low rumble that vibrates through you where your bodies press together. "Being alone with you. Really alone."

"Me, too," you confess, fingers tracing the sharp line of his jaw and his well-trimmed beard.

His smile in response is both tender and knowing, a silent acknowledgment of the journey that brought you here—from strangers to hesitant allies to something neither of you could have anticipated. His hands slide up your back, pulling you impossibly closer as his lips find yours again.

This kiss is different—deeper, unhurried yet purposeful. The careful restraint that's defined so much of your relationship begins to unravel with each passing second. His lips move against yours with increasing urgency, and you respond in kind, your body arching into his as if drawn by some invisible force.

Steve guides you backward through the suite with what feels like a dancer's grace, each step purposeful yet fluid. The world narrows to the points where your bodies connect—his hand at the small of your back, his chest against yours, his lips moving with increasing urgency against your own. The sitting room passes in a blur of cream and gold, furniture mere obstacles to navigate around as you drift through the space in this intimate waltz.

Your fingers work at his tie again, tugging the knot loose with fumbling eagerness. The silk slides free with a whisper against cotton, and you let it fall, forgotten, somewhere behind you. His mouth never leaves yours as you move together, his breath mingling with your own in the narrow space between kisses. Your shoulder bumps gently against a doorframe—the threshold to the bedroom—and Steve's arm tightens around you, steadying you against him.

"I've got you," he murmurs against your lips, the words more breath than sound.

You feel the familiar pressure of his hand at the small of your back, guiding you through the doorway and into the bedroom. The soft glow of city lights filters through the sheer curtains, painting the room in muted blues and golds.

Your fingers, trembling slightly with anticipation, move to the buttons of his crisp white shirt. The first button slips free easily, revealing a triangle of warm skin at his throat that you caress briefly before continuing your task. The second proves more challenging as Steve's kisses grow more insistent, his tongue sliding against yours in a way that makes focusing on anything else nearly impossible. You manage the third button just as the back of your knees meet the edge of the bed.

At some point between the sitting room and the bedroom, Steve had evidently unzipped your dress, because now he quickly pushes the fabric down over your shoulders, and it falls to the floor, pooling at your feet. He turns you around in his arms, pulling you flush against him. Without missing a beat, his left hand comes up to collar your throat and turn your head to the side so he can continue devouring your lips with his own. His other hand slides over the roundness of your stomach and down into your panties, no hesitation

His fingers slide against you, finding you already wet and ready for him. You gasp against his mouth at the contact, your body arching into his touch. Steve's lips trail from yours to the sensitive spot just below your ear, his breath hot on your skin, and his beard scratching pleasantly against your neck.

"I've wanted this for so long," he whispers, his voice rough with desire. "Wanted you."

You reach back, fingers threading through his hair as his thumb circles your most sensitive spot with exquisite precision. Your legs tremble, and he tightens his arm across your chest, supporting your weight as pleasure builds with each deliberate stroke.

"Steve," you breathe, the word half plea, half prayer.

He turns you in his arms once more, then pushes you back onto the mattress. He’s quick to follow, hovering over you as you both slither further up the bed, capturing your mouth in that kiss that's constant hunger and heat.

His shirt hangs open now, and you push it from his shoulders, murmuring, “Too many clothes,” desperate to feel his skin against yours. He shrugs it off, chuckling against your lips.

"I agree," he murmurs, his hands moving to unclasp your bra with surprising dexterity. As he tosses it aside, his eyes darken with appreciation, taking in the sight of you beneath him. "God, you're beautiful."

His palm cups your breast, thumb brushing across the sensitive peak as he lowers his head to press open-mouthed kisses along your collarbone. You arch into his touch, fingers working at his belt buckle with growing urgency. The metal clinks as it comes free, and Steve shifts to help you push his pants down his hips.

The bed cradles you as Steve's weight settles over you, his body a perfect counterbalance of power and restraint. Every touch feels like a revelation, each kiss deeper than the last. His hands trace the curves of your body with reverence, as if mapping territories both familiar and new.

"You're beautiful," he whispers against your collarbone, his lips tracking a slow path downward. "So beautiful."

Your fingers explore the broad expanse of his shoulders, feeling the play of muscles beneath warm skin as he moves. When his mouth closes over your breast, a soft gasp escapes you, your back arching into the sensation. His beard creates a delicious friction against your sensitive skin, the contrast between softness and roughness heightening every sensation.

He sucks and lavishes your nipple with attention that makes your head spin before moving his mouth to your other breast and delivering more of the dizzying pleasure. Only when he has you squirming beneath him is he satisfied. He moves back up your body, and his mouth captures yours again.

Your hands slide over the muscled planes of his chest, marveling at the contrast between the softness of his skin and the hardness of the body beneath. When your fingers trace the defined ridges of his abdomen, following the trail of hair that disappears beneath the waistband of his boxer briefs.

Steve shivers beneath your touch, his breath catching as your fingers dip below the elastic of his boxers. The hardness of him strains against the fabric, his physical desire for you manifested plainly. You trace the length of him through the cotton, reveling in the way his breath hitches, the way his eyes darken to midnight as they hold yours.

"I need you," you whisper, emboldened by the naked want in his gaze. "All of you."

The words act like a catalyst. Steve moves with sudden purpose, stripping away the last barriers between you until there's nothing but skin against skin, heat against heat. His weight settles partially on you, one strong thigh slipping between yours as he claims your mouth again. You’re sure you’re going to forget to breathe, the way this man - your husband - kisses you in this moment.

His hand skims down your side, tracing the curve of your hip before sliding between your bodies. When his fingers find your folds again, you gasp against his mouth, your body arching into his touch. He explores you with gentle thoroughness, learning what makes your breath catch, what draws those soft moans from deep in your throat.

"Steve," you breathe, his name a plea as tension coils tighter within you. "Please."

He understands what you're asking for, positioning himself between your thighs, the hard length of him pressing against your entrance. His eyes find yours, intense and questioning even now.

"Are you sure?" he asks, his voice rough with need but still so careful, so considerate.

In answer, you wrap your legs around his hips, drawing him closer. The first slow push of him entering you draws a moan from both your lips, the sensation of fullness, of completeness, overwhelming in its intensity. He moves with deliberate control, giving you time to adjust to him, his forehead pressed against yours.

"Yes," you whisper, tracing his cheekbone with trembling fingers. "I've never been more sure of anything."

Steve's eyes hold yours as he begins to move, setting a rhythm that quickly has you both breathing hard. The world narrows to this—to the perfect friction where your bodies join, to the sound of his breath against your ear, to the weight of him above you, anchoring you against the rising tide of pleasure.

His pace quickens, driven by your encouraging moans and the way your hips rise to meet each thrust. One of his hands slides beneath you, tilting your hips at an angle that has you gasping his name, your nails digging into the solid muscle of his shoulders.

"Steve," you breathe, his name a prayer on your lips as pleasure builds within you, coiling tighter with each movement of his hips against yours.

"Let go," he murmurs against your throat, his voice strained with the effort of control. "I've got you."

His mouth captures yours again and again, each kiss deeper than the last, as if he's trying to memorize the taste of you.

The exquisite tension builds and builds until it finally breaks like a wave crashing against shore, pleasure radiating outward from where your bodies join. Your back arches off the bed as you cry out, fingers gripping Steve's shoulders as if he's the only solid thing in a world suddenly turned liquid with sensation. He follows you moments later, his rhythm faltering as his release claims him, your name a reverent whisper against your throat.

For several heartbeats, neither of you moves, bodies still joined, breaths mingling in the narrow space between your faces. Steve's weight is carefully balanced on his forearms, his body a warm shelter above yours. When he lifts his head to look at you, the tenderness in his gaze makes your chest ache with an emotion too vast to name.

"Hey," he murmurs, brushing a strand of hair from your forehead with gentle fingers.

"Hey yourself," you reply, voice slightly hoarse.

As the aftershocks subside, Steve gathers you close, rolling to his side and bringing you with him. Your head finds the perfect resting place against his chest, where you can hear the gradual slowing of his heartbeat. His fingers trace lazy patterns along your spine as the world slowly expands beyond the two of you once more.

"That was..." you begin, struggling to find words adequate for what just transpired between you.

"Worth waiting for," Steve finishes, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "Though I've been thinking about it since that night in Tucson."

You smile against his skin. "Only since Tucson?”

His chuckle vibrates through his chest and into yours, a warm sound that wraps around you like a blanket. "Maybe before," he admits, his fingers still tracing gentle patterns on your skin. "Maybe since that day in the garden at the DAR headquarters when you told me what you really thought about my speech."

"That long?" you ask, tilting your head to look up at him, finding his expression soft with memory. That had been a sweltering hot afternoon in mid-July - long before you thought he viewed you as more than an ally.

"You surprised me," Steve says simply. "Not many people do that anymore."

You prop yourself up on one elbow to look at him properly, drinking in the sight of him relaxed and unguarded in the soft glow of the city lights filtering through the curtains. "For me it was the hospital visit in Chicago."

His eyebrows lift slightly. "Really? That early?"

"Not consciously," you admit, tracing the line of his collarbone with your fingertip. Chicago had been the very tail end of June. "But looking back, that's when everything started to shift. You were so you, even when no one was watching."

Steve captures your wandering hand, bringing it to his lips to press a kiss to your palm. “I love you,” he declares for the first time, no restraint, voice firm and warm.

Your heart skips a beat, but you’re quick to respond in kind, grinning when you say, “I love you, too,” your face splitting into a wide grin.

The moment hangs between you, weightless and perfect. Steve's smile widens, crinkling the corners of his eyes in that way that makes your heart flutter. His hand comes up to cup your cheek, thumb brushing tenderly across your skin.

“I love you,” he says again.

You settle back against him, content in the circle of his arms as the sounds of the city filter in through the windows—distant sirens, the occasional car horn, the ambient hum that is uniquely New York. Tomorrow looms beyond this moment, with all its uncertainties and possibilities, but here, now, there is only this—the steady rhythm of Steve's heart beneath your ear, the warmth of his body, the love you’ve been building together finally spoken aloud.

"I've been thinking about this," he confesses, his voice still thick with emotion. "About tonight. About us. About what happens after tomorrow."

You flatten your palm over his chest, anchoring yourself against the tide of feelings his words evoke. "What do you think happens? After tomorrow?"

He’s quiet for a moment, and you wait. "I don't know what happens with the election. But I know what I want to happen with us."

Your heart beats faster, a flutter of anticipation rising in your chest. "Tell me."

Steve takes a breath, his hands sliding up and down your back, caressing your body with gentle reverence. "I want us to continue building our life together. The real one I feel like we’ve been nurturing—not just for the cameras or the campaign. I want mornings and evenings and all the moments in between."

The raw honesty in his voice catches at something deep inside you. This is Steve—the man beneath the mantle.

"I want that too," you whisper, the words feeling like a promise. "All of it."

His arms tighten around you, pulling you closer against the solid warmth of his chest. Outside, the city continues its nighttime symphony, but in this room, in this bed, time seems suspended—a perfect bubble of peace before tomorrow's storm.

"No matter what happens with the election," Steve murmurs, his voice a low rumble against your ear, "this—us—is real. It's the most real thing in my life."

You lift your head to look at him, taking in the sincerity etched across his features, the vulnerability in his eyes that he shows to so few. "Mine too."

His smile in response warms you from the inside out. His hand cups your cheek, thumb tracing the line of your jaw with tender precision. "Get some sleep," he whispers.

“You first,” you tease.

He laughs softly before kissing you once more before you both drift off.

next part: Election Day in New York, part 1

Did I include links for rooms at The Plaza, including the room type I decided I wanted you and Steve to spend the night together in? Yes. Yes, I did.

DID YOU ALSO GET TO FINALLY HAVE SEX WITH YOUR FANTASTIC HUSBAND? YES! THE THING WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! SLOWEST BURN OF ALL TIME, but I knew from the very beginning that I wanted your first time to be on the eve of the election, and even as the story gained more plot and put more and more chapters and developments between where we started and getting to this night, I'm so glad I stuck to that part of the original plan.

....can you believe I thought this story was only going to be six or seven chapters? 🤣

↠ Main Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

I do not do tag lists, but FOLLOW @buckets-and-stories and TURN ON NOTIFICATIONS to be updated any time I publish a new work!

#steve rogers smut #steve rogers #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x reader #slow burn #political au #steve rogers x y/n #red white & true #aspen wrote something #female reader #steve rogers x yn

164 notes · View notes

seat-safety-switch · 8 months ago

Text

Throughout university, there was one immutable truth of the world: it's good to get a big paper done the night before it's due. In fact, not only is it good, but it's cool: all that time you saved by procrastinating was spent more productively, socializing and agonizing about the upcoming deadline. In adulthood, I've kept up the theme of waiting until the very last minute to do everything.

All this is to say it wasn't a big surprise when the bank dumped a bunch of "past due" bills on my porch, along with a very angry-looking debt collector. In case you are unfamiliar, credit cards actually have to get paid off, even if you only used them to buy several thousand pounds of 1970s Mopar junk. Furthermore, not only did I procrastinate in paying the bill off, but I was doing so in order to distract myself from not having bothered to get a job in order to pay for the bill in the first place.

The debt collector is unmoved by my argument that the things I purchased with MasterCard's imaginary money are completely worthless. He really isn't swayed by my proposal that the bank should thank me for providing a valuable deflationary counterweight to runaway government spending. He steps past me and starts looking for things of value to loot from my home, in order to pay off what I owe them.

After a few minutes, I bring him a lukewarm glass of water (from the neighbour's garden hose; I forgot to pay for water service too) and ask how it's going. He looks very confused, on the verge of tears even. Every other house has something of value he can seize. Furniture. Cars. Electronics. The copper in the walls. Here, in my squalid pit of shitbox, surrounded by obscure Italian moped carburetors, Soviet diesel engine parts, and only the absolute worst domestic car parts known to man, his internal value-o-meter has got to be trending somewhere near zero.

It is no longer "worth it" for him to be here, he finally admits, and he simply walks out through the ragged hole in the side of my house that those raccoons left last winter. I gotta get around to fixing that, before any guests come over.

226 notes · View notes

arrtdonaldson · 5 months ago

Note

mechanic!riff......please elaborate i beg

Honestly it was just a passing thought but I’ve now been thinking about it all day……

He doesn't even know why he goes inside and asks if there's any jobs goin'. Doesn't even know why he approached, except it made him smirk to think about stealing the sign out front advertising a Jet wash. But his feet carried him indoors and up to the service desk, asked the old man behind it if he had room on staff for a guy who knew jack about shit.

Maybe subconsciously he'd done it on purpose, realised that breaking the trucks left unattended on demolition/building sites wasn't as fulfilling as fixing them... Maybe, without Tony, he was secretly finding the pressure of leading His Guys a little too much and needed an outlet someplace else... Maybe he figured if he was going home to his shitty apartment covered in dirt and grime anyway, he might as well try and get a few bucks out of it...

Maybe it was the old guy's cute daughter who brought him lunch every couple'a days whenever he left it on the kitchen counter.

That's definitely why he stayed, kept going to work instead of sacking it all off... wore his best pair of jeans that make his skinny ass look great in the hope that you might walk through the shop instead of straight into your pa's little office.

He knows girls like him, somethin about him draws them in... but he has no real idea how good he looks in his grease-stained shirt, bent over an engine with a wrench in hand, rag in his back pocket, fingers blackened by good honest work...

He has no idea how much you stare at him as you walk down the street towards him, eyes fixed on him... How much you keep silently willing him to time his next smoke break better so you'd have a reason to say hi without interrupting him...

#riff lorton #riff lorton fic #mike faist fic #listen idk what this is but here it is #riff lorton x reader #my writing

162 notes · View notes

vesperaominosum · 3 months ago

Text

Second reason (pt. II)

Summary : You take a week off your new job, amidst admiring the life you've built after leaving the secret service. Part 2 of Second reason that no one asked for. Few years later.

Pairing : RE4 Leon! × Fem Reader

Tags : (sighs) angst, unreliable narrator, hurt/comfort, slight smut, moderate strong language, OCD descriptions, PTSD, disordered eating, animal death (mention), depression, alcoholism, fertility issues, paranoia, stalking, dub-con (if you squint real hard), family planning, emotional cheating.

Word count: 20.3k

A/N: This is just something that crawled out of me for no reason at all, I kept getting those random questions about the story in my head and wrote some answers down.

Special thanks to @writingwisterias for encouraging this, @purplerosebouquet for the original request. @coeurbrule, @badwer @marymustdie, @cheesywedgy for motivation and everyone who liked the first part, it means A LOT actually.

Zero point two meters, zero point one meter, zero point one meter, zero point one meter, stop- stop- stop- stop- stop-

Road rage was not something you exhibited often, but when it happened, it was mostly caused by your own inability to park. Or as you liked to convince yourself, the inability to park of others. Maybe if people were a little more considerate, you would have zero problems getting into the spot, but since every other driver assumed their Nissan deserved two parking spaces instead of one, you had to go an extra mile (sometimes literally) just to get out of the vehicle and go on with your day.

With your evening, in this case. But it was an important evening, nothing extravagant, but your boyfriend was about to leave for a long work trip in the morning and wanted you to spend a night at his place. He’d be waking up earlier than you, so you couldn’t block his driveway with your car and had to park nearby, which was a problem. You were used to dropping your car off by your apartment complex where you had a designated spot just for you, that didn’t block anything for anyone because it was designed this way. This is how things were supposed to be, designed to be easier.

You killed the engine and let out a frustrated huff through your nose. You had a perfectly good day, nothing got in the way of your routine, but you kept noticing a collection of small irritating details getting bigger and bigger on the top shelf of your mind. It started with your morning coffee leaving an aftertaste akin to sewer water, continued throughout the day with your pens not cooperating and a damn flash card taking too long to load your presentation, which caused you to stand in front of students (who were not much younger than you, so the pressure to be at least presentable was high), then your heel bent weirdly at one point, the sensation of unsteadiness that lasted a second, caused you to feel…, well, unsteady, for the rest of the day. On top of it all you met an annoying colleague in the hallway at work, right when another colleague, who did not like the one you were talking to, was walking by and saw it; now she will assume you were the one who fed that guy information that cost her a position at the department, when all that pest wanted to chat about was the cafeteria changing the type of chocolate they put in their cookies. You were not friendly enough with the girl you now had to win back at your side, so it was vexing. And the damn parking. You almost forgot about how you had to prove to the café manager that Riley was a service animal at noon, and while it wasn’t a big deal, it surely added to the pile.

Riley was patiently waiting for you to finish actively hating on everything under the sun so you could go out and meet your boyfriend with a smile on your face and an easy-going attitude that he deserved to witness before departing. Your boyfriend, your fiancé, it was complicated.

You rubbed small circles above your eyebrows and got out of the car, Riley happily following you down the suburban street. So much space everywhere, yet you couldn’t park anywhere because it just wasn’t allowed and it wasn’t how it was done. The gates made no sound as you opened them, you sent Riley to play in the yard with a quick command and entered the house with a spare key you rarely used, but since you were late as it was, you didn’t think to wait longer.

You greeted your boyfriend with a small kiss, falling into his toned arms, smiling at his dissatisfied noises as he kissed you more. The dinner that he had prepared went cold, but it was destined to regardless of your tardiness, since your greeting kiss would’ve led you to the bedroom in every possible scenario.

You only remembered the dinner, as you were drying your hair with a towel sitting on top of a large soft bed, hunger crawling its way into your stomach after a very passionate welcome. It seemed to be the case with him as well, but, perhaps, a hunger of a different kind.

“Don’t!” – you smiled and shifted away, he matched the smile and began to pull you in with one hand, tugging the robe with another, kissing the bared shoulder, “I’m so serious, Jim, I have an expensive lotion on.”

“I’ll buy you more” – he kept placing kisses all over your shoulder, moving to the collarbones, - “You smell so good”.

“It’s the lotion,” – you tried your best to keep your smile from growing bigger, - “it’s expensive.”

He laughed into your neck, - “You sure? Let me check,” – his lips sucking in sensitive skin, awaking the arousal, hands disrobing you to get a hold of your chest, pinching a nipple with just enough pressure to make sure you won’t be falling asleep without another round, - “Yeah, seems expensive.” – he affirmed, voice hoarse behind the humor.

After the second shower, you both sat in the kitchen, eating cold dinner with your hands.

“This is good,” – you put a slice of something that looked like a sweet potato covered in sauce in your mouth, closing your eyes as you tasted different spices. You still didn’t get accustomed to his vegan cooking, but hunger made everything enjoyable; there was a possibility it was actually good for a change.

“As long as you keep in mind that it was better hot,” – Jim said, - “I will take this compliment.”

You let yourself melt into the relaxing atmosphere. It was rare you got to do something like this, both busy at work, and when you weren’t you had a million arrands to run. Today though, even the thought of your little date stealing precious time from your sleep didn’t disturb the tranquility.

The upcoming week promised to be turbulent at best. Jim would be gone, attending some conference he was sent to, you had to drive Riley to the vet and leave her there for a few days, since she needed a checkup and you had to finish renovating your apartment before selling it, all the chemicals not safe for a dog. Jim kindly proposed that you could stay at his place and renovate later, get a week off work and deal with the apartment during the day, coming back to his place in the evening. But you knew he didn’t like the idea of Riley being inside the house, you had to make him comfortable with the reality of living with a dog when he was present, so there won’t be any resentment down the line; generally speaking, it was a nice offer, but it wouldn’t change much, it would just complicate everything.

You’ll get a week off, may be more, leave Riley at the vet clinic, work on the apartment in peace and when he comes back, you won’t have to burden him with your problems.

The sun was softly pressuring your eyes to give in and open, gradually shinning brighter and brighter, light muffled by see-through curtains. You woke up alone, your boyfriend already departed, his red car nowhere to be seen along with the suit he prepared for the conference. It felt strange being in his house without him. Something you’ll have to get used to since you’ll be moving in together soon.

Weekends were the worst, because they disrupted a routine. It’s harder in a new environment, ‘It’s going to be harder without Riley’ – you thought to yourself, rubbing your eyebrows. Overnight moisturizer grinding into little pellets; the sensation gave you something to focus on without letting too much thoughts in too early in the day.

You were ready for this. It’s been three years since you started therapy (EMDR worked wonders). Ready to spend time alone without Riley, ready to move out and move in, ready for a new day. Your anxiety about it was the biggest saboteur, since you never had issues when you weren’t deeply aware of the impending doom. But acknowledging it alone didn’t help. You had to be cautious, but not too cautious, not so you start listening to every sound your ears could pick up.

Jim had a very clean looking kitchen that was always messy for some vegan reason. It was always something scattered around, some peas in the corners of every surface, little rice grains, grey looking powder. He always mentioned how it’s dry thus not a big deal and that when you actually cook your food with multiple ingredients it’s bound to happen. It truly wasn’t a big deal, cleaning it up was peaceful in a way. He also preferred ‘real tea’ so he boiled water in one of those steel kettles on a gas stove. It made an alarming whistling sound when water came to a boil, so you put up the whistling part. That wasn’t a sound you’d like to hear.

The truth was, it wasn’t just Riley and Jim’s conference trip that set you off to be this aware of your surroundings. You dealt just fine with small changes in the routine and different environments, despite what your therapist suggested, it even helped to feel more in control.

Big changes are what irked you the most. First time it happened two years ago, when you decided to quit working at the rehabilitation center and applied to the university, not the best position but you needed the minimum of three years of experience on top of your degree to submit your thesis. And you haven’t even started working on figuring out what your project was going to be about. Imposter syndrome did not help one bit. It would take years to work on, write, apply and submit. If you wanted a PhD by late thirties, you had to get yourself together now. So, there was no time to waste working at the center, even though the job was rewarding, you liked helping people you could relate to, your own triggers kept you from getting too involved, which was necessary.

Besides everything, sheltering yourself was not the best strategy, so you quit. Getting used to a new job was somewhat challenging, but you got through it. This time the big change creeped in slowly: your boyfriend decided to propose.

Well, it wasn’t a big gesture, and according to him wouldn’t change much. You met at the rehabilitation center where you worked before quitting. He was a physiotherapist, seven years older than you, a good family, patient when it came to people, strong hands, thick dark hair. Asked you out on the spot, you hesitated, but figured you needed a distraction from a harsh breakup anyway. Well, the breakup wasn’t harsh, but you had a hard time dealing with consequences.

Jim was patient with you and soon you found yourself in a symbiotic relationship, he was always there when you needed to discuss something, he wasn’t possessive and gave you space. So, he understood when you hesitated accepting his proposal. You were still in your twenties; you were comfortable with the relationship that you had. But his family was pressuring him, and he told you that it didn’t mean that you had to get married. A shut-up-ring but for his family, as you joked. It made sense; he was in his thirties with a demanding job. His final argument broke through your defense – “Do you consider leaving?”. You did not. Then why does it matter, since marriage was a goal eventually anyway. Not now, but eventually. This is what the proposal was, just an ‘eventually’. The ‘we’ll get married down the line, someday’ message to his family, to everyone.

It started to dawn on you that you were the last to get that message. At first you didn’t pay it any mind, everything stayed the same; you didn’t even wear the ring. But soon you noticed your thoughts circle back to the idea every time you noticed something that stood out.

You kept thinking ‘I’ll have to live with this forever’ every time you saw the mess in his kitchen. ‘This is going to be about our kitchen.’ Someday. That ‘someday’ was the real reason for your anxiety. You thought about raising kids with him, would he insist on them being vegan? He never cared about your eating habits, offered to try his food, different alternatives every once in a while, but nothing extreme. But it would be different with kids. You weren’t proud of your thoughts, but a habit of scaring yourself in preparation for the worst remained your most trusted ally.

You thought about kids before, just after you got away from the secret service slavery. Sitting at the doctor’s office; you recall the regret of having a memory from high school of the day you first learned that you lost your period from intense exercise. Back then it made you feel better about yourself. You found some twisted pride in knowing that your student athlete career (that landed you a spot at the university) closed the door for a quiet life. Like the universe accepted your choice to never have a proper family. The consequences only revealed themselves later in life. You felt cheated.

It wasn’t like you wanted kids at the time as well, but sometimes you caught yourself wondering. So, you followed every recommendation like the most obedient soldier; took all the pills, strict dietary plans, check-ups. There was so much comfort in gaining the possibility back, like the universe leading you back to that hallway, full of doors to open. It wasn’t about kids, it was about having a choice, having a future you can still bend.

That fixation faded once your ex walked out on you. Or once you threw him out. Depends on how you wanted to view the story in the moment of reminiscing. But it didn’t matter, because you were not reminiscing. What mattered is that you got out of the frenzy and the subject of having kids never entered your mind again.

The subject of having kids never entered your mind when you got together with Jim, you did not think of it throughout your relationship. Mainly because it was too early. But now when you were technically engaged under the premise of agreeing that you did not want to break up in the future anyway, that meant that any kids you will have will be with him. Makes sense? And that was not something you were prepared to even think about.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t a good candidate, but God, even thinking about him as a candidate was weird. Thinking of anyone as a ‘candidate’ was weird. It was weird thinking about kids. You felt like a teenager who was harassed by older relatives at the family function. But those older relatives were your own thoughts, and you were not a teenager anymore, despite feeling like one sometimes.

Jim was nice, attractive and healthy. Good hairline, straight teeth, amazing personality, stable job, big family. Built a perfect relationship to set an example. You just needed time to grow comfortable with that thought. Reality was a bit more complicated than him being decent as an individual, unfortunately. Would he insist on his family being involved in the lives of your children? The mere idea of that was suffocating; it’s not that you disliked them, but you were not comfortable with handling relationships with someone outside of the people you picked. And you did not pick them. His family liked you. You suspected they were having their issues with you, but no one is perfect and no one is going to like everything about you anyway.

When he told his parents that you were engaged, they looked happy. Later you overheard him talking about you to his mother, Jim said that he’s glad she’s happy because you’re truly the best girl, and she agreed, said “She knows how to play the role”. That comment rubbed you the wrong way, but you knew she didn’t mean it like that. His mother disliked your past in the ‘military’, disliked how career oriented you were, and despite all of it, she accepted you. Refused to be mean from the start and gave you a chance. You were grateful for it. After all, she’s just a mother who wants the best for her child. You would want the best for your kids as well. Would you want them to have a life like this? Would you want them at all?

A strong smell pulled you out of these thoughts. Stinging metallic smell of burned plastic and copper, bitter. The damn kettle, you forgot that you put the whistling part up, and now all the water boiled out without a sound, leaving an empty metal kettle with a plastic handle heating up under direct fire. Burning up.

Wrapping the handle in the towel, you swiftly put soot covered metal in the sink. The sound and the smell making your heart race faster. You had to open the window to let the smoke out, the smell out, you needed to get out. You needed Riley. Had to go to the vet, stick to your plans. Immediately. Now.

Got dressed, got Riley, got in the car, got to the clinic, signed the papers, said goodbyes, back in the car, the smell isn’t gone. There’s no smell in the car, it’s in your head. The smell of the heated iron, the smell of bullet shells. Did iron smell like blood because of..., well, iron? Or was it just your brain dragging the nasty sweet-sour smell of blood out of your memory and tying it to the one of heated copper? Was it even copper? Fuck, you had to open your car windows. You immediately felt panic set in, car windows had to be closed. Why weren’t they closing fast enough? Open windows weren’t safe. Your windows weren’t even bulletproof anyway so it didn’t matter. You had a regular car. Because you were a regular person. You took deep breaths. You, a regular person, sat in your regular car, and took deep breaths. To calm down, because there was no point in panicking. Nothing would happen. Nothing bad was going to happen to you.

Riley was stressed leaving you in that state. Well, Riley didn’t leave you, you left Riley. Your poor girl didn’t have to stress about being a bad friend. It was all on you, you wished you had a way to let her know. But you had to stick to the plans, otherwise you’d lose it.

You were not coming back to Jim’s place. Did you take the kettle off the stove? Fuck, hopefully, you did, because you were not coming back. You did. You had to, you had a good reaction and you always did the right thing in the moment, the haziness usually kicked in after the fact. It wasn’t foolish to trust yourself with this. You did everything right, and you were going to your apartment to deal with the renovations.

The apartment used to feel like home before you decided to renovate and sell it. Even before any attempts to change how it looked, it just lost its magic the second you set your mind. Now it wasn’t hard to tear off wallpapers and throw out some old furniture. It was all easy now - and that wasn’t easy. It was scary how simple discarding something meaningful was to you. Like it didn’t hold any significance anymore. You noticed this trend some time ago.

It was the most annoying state of mind, when the silence unnerved you, made you listen to every little sound, but music made you anxious because of the idea that you might not hear something. What was it you waited to hear? It was ridiculous, there was nothing to look out for, no danger, yet you found yourself on the verge of another episode. First one in a long while. That wouldn’t work, you had to pick up Riley earlier. Rent a place. Renting a place won’t work - new environment - new corners to get used to, new furniture that casts new unfamiliar shadows that you mistake for movement. Jim had to be back. You would never tell him that.

You promised to yourself to never involve Jim in your problems, he was a part of the life where no problems of that caliber took place. Normal life. Peaceful life. Civil life. He didn’t deserve this, he worked with many veterans at the center, he had no business dealing with another one at home. You would never do this to him.

You liked Jim for not knowing what it’s like to chase shadows and gasp for air amid nightmares, you had a fair share of experience dating someone who knows. Someone who knows and understands that problem too damn well. Didn’t work out.

You were not ruining something good for a quick relief, some temporary comfort, a couple of nice words that won’t change a thing; you’d work on it yourself and give the best version to the person who gives you the best version. This is how things are supposed to be.

You learnt the hard way how important trying to be the best person for each other was. Watching your ex drive himself straight into fucking alcoholism, refusing help. It’s not always simple, but you could do your part. For now, your part was not bugging your boyfriend with your problems. Your boyfriend, your fiancé, fuck.

There was no way to give the ring back without it changing something fundamentally in the relationship, and changing something was not at all what you wanted. That was the main thing, you did not want to change anything. And he promised nothing would change, but things did change. For you, they did. It’s frustrating being mad when there’s no one to blame. You couldn’t even blame yourself. It made sense. What could you do? Tell him that you wanted to leave the door opened? Considered breaking up in the future? It wasn’t true. You did not want to break up. You just didn’t want this. Wasn’t ready for the thoughts of forever just yet. And he understood that, he promised it’s just a formality.

Besides Jim being great and your relationship being fulfilling, there was no way you’d ever put yourself through getting to know another person again. The idea of learning something new about someone new made you nauseous. Letting someone in? That wasn’t an option. You figured it never worked anyway. We all play our roles in the lives of others.

We play a role of a friend, a daughter, a co-worker, a girlfriend… A wife, a mother. “She knows how to play the role”. That was a complement. It took you a lot to get it right. Before that, you let people in. It was all a blur, a co-worker, a lover, a friend, a client even… You thought people could handle each other. That someone could accept all of you. Maybe it’s the case with kids, when you’re just experiencing the world and trying to see other people for what they are. Every corner of their mind sparks interest. But grown-ups had boundaries and roles. Roles and rules to adhere to.

It sounds bad, but it isn’t really. Couldn’t be. How could it be bad if it worked? You wouldn’t tell things you tell your friends to your kids. Same thing.

At least tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone, a couple of plumbers will be occupying the bathroom and you’ll feel the obligation to be social. Maybe you should call up your friends, fill up the rest of the week. You took the sleeping pills you haven’t touched in a while and closed your eyes, wishing for a better morning.

It was a shameful secret, but sometimes, despite your education, you believed you had some magic powers. If you wished for something hard enough, it happened just the way you wanted to. And your magic powers proved themselves right the next day, when Jim called you up and said that he’s coming back earlier. Didn’t even have to ask him.

Your mood through the roof; the ‘roof’ like the sound that Riley let out as soon as she smelled you coming in, her soft black fur in your face, wagging tail hitting your shins. That joyful little Labrador made everything better. Your friend, the guardian of your peace. Her vet annoyed at your inconsistence: you made a deal you’d leave Riley for longer and they didn’t finish whatever they had planned. They’d manage to do it all in a day, but since they assumed they had the time… It was okay, you’d bring her back later. Riley was a trained service dog, so she needed intense check-ups. Since she was given to from the special service K9 unit, they were extra strict with it. She was more than that to you, so you’d do it anyway. You’d do anything to keep her happy and healthy – a thought ran through your head as you ruffled her cute ears, black eyes staring at you in adoration.

You assumed the same look of adoration was on your face as you listened Jim talking for what seemed to be hours about the conference. Apparently, he got in an argument with someone and won. The argument was very public and he got noticed by some guy who wanted Jim to talk about the importance of physiotherapy and an active lifestyle for office workers at some event at his company.

“So, I will be needing lessons from you.” – he joked.

“Oh, I teach kids”

“They are teenagers. Young adults even”

“Well, that’s way worse!” – you were laughing, energized by his enthusiasm.

“Oh, you don’t like to teach them? Imagine how I feel,” – he hugged you and looked at your face, timing the kiss.

“And what’s that’s supposed to mean?” – you raised your eyebrows, understanding perfectly fine that he was, once again, teasing you about being younger.

“Well, I deal with you.” – the smile was warm in every muscle in his face, it was hard trying to keep up with the fake argument, so you just laughed and let him land that kiss he was hovering.

“I missed you, don’t leave me again.”

He pecked your pouted lips – “I won’t. Only for this event.”

“The event is out of town?” – you let the worry in your tone seep out, and bit your tongue.

“Yeah, this Tuesday. Just for three days. You could come?”

“What? Why three days? What are you going to do there for three days?” – you immediately hated the way you sounded, like a clingy paranoid housewife. It wasn’t that. You weren’t that.

“A day to fly in, the day of the event and a day to fly back.” – he’s sympathetic, - “You could come.” – swaying you around a little.

“I can’t, I have work.” Shit, why did it have to happen like that?

“Didn’t you take your days off?”

“Yeah, no…” – you took his arms off of you, trying to shake the stress off, - “I still have to deal with the load I took home… And my apartment… And Riley.”

“We could take Riley.”

“She has a vet in two days.” – you sighed as Jim hugged you again, kissing your temple.

“And when do you have a vet?”

He made an exaggerated pained sound as you elbowed him, smiling, - “Next month? I don’t know. I saw Clara recently; she didn’t see a point in meeting sooner.”

You assumed he was talking about her. He could’ve meant the doctor he put you on to, the one who removed scars with that laser, but you didn’t want to talk about that. You had a nasty scar on the side of your body, a deep stab wound. You didn’t mind it, but Jim assumed it triggered you somehow. Clara was your therapist, a skinny thin lady with condescending lips. You figured she pursed them in an understanding expression way too much so they turned into that shape with age. Made a mental note to never do that yourself.

“Well, as long as you’re going. Next month or whenever… How’s everything with the apartment?”

Now was his turn to listen to you rumble about how you dropped the curtain poll and other boring details.

You were truly happy that Jim got this event thing, sometimes he felt trapped at the center, working at the same building every day. It was good for him to get away, you just didn’t want to deal with him being away. It was your problem to deal with, not his. You wouldn’t make it his problem. You were better than that.

But the days grew shorter and shorter and soon you found yourself waking up alone. Jim bought a new kettle, didn’t even get mad that you ruined the old one. Told you that you could drop the curtain poll here as well and he wouldn’t care. It was comforting, but you still didn’t feel like he meant it. He meant it of course, but he didn’t know yet what he meant to mean. You couldn’t even dare bring Riley inside. She was running free in the backyard and stayed at the building you referred to as a ‘summer kitchen project’. It wasn’t a summer kitchen yet, but it wasn’t anything else as well. Maybe one day Jim will turn it into a little guest house. Or a proper kitchen. Maybe you will do it together.

The thought plagued your mind once more. And it was heavy. Why was it heavy? Everything was fine. It was too early to think about those things anyway. Why think of them? But was it too early? You said yes to a goddamn ring, it wasn’t just a pinky promise. His parents knew.

He wasn’t close to his parents. They turned him into an overachiever, expecting nothing but the best, and soon he figured out that the best was never enough. They always wanted him to do better. So, he distanced himself. You liked that about him, he set boundaries. He never disrespected them, but he didn’t let them in into his life, so they couldn’t affect it. He used to laugh at their assumption that they had a grip on him. He told them what they wanted to hear, and did as he pleased anyway. You noticed how it was changing as well. ‘She’s just my mother’ (with an eyeroll) started turning into ‘Well, she is my mother’. Were you about to walk into a trap?

It’s just you. And your trust issues. He never did anything to hurt you, never deceived you. All he did was being supportive, and even assured you he wasn’t leaving with a promise, a ring. And you were paying him back with doubts. Maybe his mother was right after all, he needed someone less turbulent.

But you were less turbulent. You grew to be so much less turbulent, you had to stick to a routine not to choke on another panic attack. It used to be much worse, you had to acknowledge your progress. That’s what Clara always raved about. All the work that you put in building this life, it paid off. Panic attacks weren’t the issue, it was this state of heightened anxiety that felt like a tunnel vision on everything at the same time. Your mind turned into this quiet buzzing, like something was about bout to happen and you had limited time to fix it. How much time? What would happen? What were you supposed to do? When will it end? Would it?

It was hard to see it sometimes, but the bigger picture was clear. You’d figure out the project you wanted to work on, you’d finish it. All while getting the required experience with your university job, write your thesis, defend it. Get your PhD title and your life would be over. Done, you meant. Your life would be complete. Complete, that’s the word.

And the rest will follow. Steadily, just like the life you were building: steady, peaceful, fulfilling.

You planned on taking Riley for the leftover tests only, but got told that they will need her to stay at the clinic, might need a transfer to the providing organization; found something worth ‘looking into’. They had that look in their eyes when they said “It’s nothing serious, we don’t think”, that look like they were just saying it, you knew that they were lying.

She was not your property when it came to documents, K9 trained for the secret services. They only let you have her when you promised to return to ‘work’. You didn’t. And now that something happened, they’d take her away. Was it your fault? Did she absorb too much poison from your emotional state?

You sat in your car, trying not to let any thoughts in. Everything you ever wish really hard for always happened, so you had to think really hard about the good things. “It truly is nothing serious.” It’s good that you do these check-ups. It’s probably something other pet owners wouldn’t even notice for years until it’s too late, but you had a privilege to detect it early, so everything was going to be okay. Had to be thankful.

Should you call Jim? You couldn’t. You wouldn’t disturb him before an event that’s very important to him. He probably will tell you that everything will be fine anyway. And you knew it. You could tell it to yourself all the same. There was no need.

Your throat dry, like your body sucked up all the moisture in order not to cry. You couldn’t cry. Crying would mean you’re dealing with something and you were not. Because Riley would be okay. For fucks sake, you were smart. Crying was just crying. A complex emotional and physiological response that serves a function, various functions even. You were overwhelmed, not fucking grieving. It’s things like this that made you feel inadequate about your expertise sometimes. You were smart when it came to other people and textbook cases, yet toyed with all this magical thinking when time came to process your own shit.

You let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed your eyebrows, not caring about the makeup. You wouldn’t ever care about anything anymore if something were to happen to Riley. Shut up.

Nothing would happen. You got Riley even before you officially quit your job at the secret service, during the hospital leave. She was with you through everything, the only one that saw the path you had to take to be okay again. As okay as you were.

No one else stuck around, it wasn’t like there were people to stuck around to begin with, but still… A job like this can be isolating, so isolating you resorted to dating your partner. You did not think about those times, nor him; Clara agreed it did no good. Triggered a lot of destructive thought patterns and got you out of the loop.

You never intended to date him, it just happened. You knew it wasn’t a good idea and didn’t care, so you got exactly the ending that was due. It was good at first, too good. You could sleep when he was around. Falling asleep next to him was easy, because that’s what you did during the missions. You knew that if he lets you sleep, it means it’s his turn to be awake, and he’d be watching out for anything and everything. It worked in many ways. Sometimes you’d wake up in cold sweat, alarmed by the memories punishing you in your nightmares and you would see him next to you, sleeping. And that meant you were home. Because he’d never sleep in any other situation, you could trust him with that. You felt safe enough with him, an important transitional period. It wouldn’t be right to go cold turkey on that part of your life, having a familiar face around made it easier.

But then you started seeing each other less. He got entangled in missions above your understanding, he never talked about those, never talked about any of them; it wasn’t right for you to hear it and well, it was classified. And every time he went away your anxiety would feel fresh, and every time he came back your anxiety would feel fresh again. You couldn’t see him in the state in which he returned sometimes; bruised, bloody, swollen, that shell shocked dissociated look. You were used to it before, now it reminded you of something you’d rather forget.

He noticed the way it was affecting you, but didn’t find any better solution than not seeing you straight away; waiting a few days till the horror gets out of his system; and drinking during these days, evidently.

He never listened when you confronted him about his problem. At first, he hid it pretty good. Only drinking on the day of his arrival, sobering up the next day and then you’d meet up. But soon enough he started drinking to the point of sleeping through the entire day you were supposed to meet, claiming that it was just exhaustion. It wasn’t just exhaustion. And finally, he’d drink when you were together, to keep his mind sober, as he claimed. To deal with a hungover. When you confronted him about being hungover in the first place, he’d act like it was his God given right to drink when you weren’t seeing each other, so you made it clear it wouldn’t work. He had to find a way to deal with the problem. And alcohol wasn’t the problem. The ‘job’ was.

There was no way for you to get better with him around, there was no way for him to get better reintroducing himself to danger every other week. You were caring and kind and you begged for so long, before you snapped and gave him an ultimatum. He could go on another mission, but you wouldn’t wait for his return. It was his choice to make. His alone. You were not a bad person for doing that.

He didn’t choose you. Somehow you always knew he never would. You lied when you said you wouldn’t wait for his return, you waited. You waited for his return, wished for it. At some point the realization hit: that wishing for his return so hard against his will might work. And he might return, but not in the way you intended, it struck you like a lighting. What have you done? He’s going to return in a body bag. That’s generous, he’s going to return as a pile of ashes. So, you had to stop thinking about it.

Only saw him once after he left. Riley snuffed him out in the crowded street after your open lecture. It was more than a year ago. Neither of you wanted to talk, but Riley was too excited, so you talked for a while. He refused admitting he was seeing your lecture, despite his motorcycle, that he now used to move around, being parked outside the lecture hall. Looked somehow older, maybe the lines on his forehead deepened, maybe it was the look in his eyes, detached, maybe it was the fact that he went few days without shaving. Or sleeping, by the looks of it, eyebags almost red. It was all so unlike him. He used to have it all under control, was the one you relied on. It felt wrong seeing him like this, like he was taking away something from you.

Took so much strength not to act like a nagging ex. You wanted to ask all these questions: whether he was drinking, whether he was getting help, whether he knew it was wrong, whether he had someone to take care of him. But you weren’t his mother. Had to keep it in check. He was your ex-boyfriend. Essentially, just a stranger who knew too much. Boundaries.

Never saw him after that, never thought about him, went on with your life, built something great for yourself. Your life was real, without constant death looming in the corners. Your mind went to Riley and you hated your brain for it.

What if you never see her again? What if your little girl turns to ashes and this is all you’re going to hold in your hands when you touch her again? Your ex-partner appeared in your head once more. It’s the same disgusting thoughts, it’s never about anything other than your brain and it’s patterns. You had to stop, before you lost vision, hyperventilating in the car, like you saw ghosts.

What if it’s a sign? What if it’s the price for the new life you’re about to start? All your thoughts were about to come true. Your new life, and the sacrifice in the shape of two plastic bags half-full of ashes to finally let you go and live out your dreams. And the smell. Earthy smell of ashes. You started seeing black. You never wanted it. The idea of those warm black paws… Those hands that held you… All turned into dust.

You opened the car-door, breathing in the air through the mouth, in and out, desperately; and just walked out.

You had to call Clara, talk to her about it. She’d reassure you it was all in your head; but you already knew it. It was the problem. You were scared that whatever’s in your head always found it’s way to become a reality somehow, and this is why you didn’t want to acknowledge these thoughts. You’d never share it with anyone, you’d never make them any more real than they were. And they weren’t. None of it was real. You needed to fall into routine. Something to occupy your hands and your head.

Working on your apartment wasn’t helping much, everything made you think about how you’re getting rid of not just things, but also every other aspect. You loved clinging to things and thoughts. It kept you grounded for a while. There was no way to check up on Riley, they’d lie anyway. They’d lie and tell you everything is good; they already did that. If this sacrifice is tied together, this means your ex… This means if he’s okay, then Riley is also going to be okay. That made sense.

There was a way to see if he was fine, without coming in contact, had to be. Maybe you should call up some past colleagues and ask around, find a way to make it seem normal. There was no way to make it seem anything but deranged. So, your mind switched from thinking about to Riley to this.

It felt like something to grip onto. An indicator you could check. If he’s alive and well, then Riley is going to be alive and well. This is how the universe worked today.

The thought simmered in your head for the entire day as you painted the wall in your room white, so you cave in, got your old phone out, charged it, tried to find any contacts that could be useful. Try to ignore the way the phone makes all the memories smell.

You came up with a legend, rang up a girl who used to work in the archives, she wasn’t useful. Didn’t talk. Well, she knew how to keep information, that’s like, her job description or something.

You needed someone less loyal, who wouldn’t see any malice in an ex-employee asking questions. Because there was no malice, it was just small talk. Called up a guy who worked at the storage facility. He was in the mood to talk. You weren’t sure he remembered you, but he was honored an ex-agent called him up to chat randomly. You told him about how you were at the airport another day and had to carry your luggage, which made you think of all the work he’s done for you. Thanked him in a long speech, and as you were wrapping up the call, asked around. Just a polite ‘how’s everyone doing’ type of thing. ‘Please just straight to the point,’ you thought to yourself, all this talk made you nauseous. You just wanted to hear any random fact about that one person. That’s it. But the guy never mentioned him, made you work for it. You ask a couple of questions about other people he didn’t mention. Come on, sound nonchalant and make it look natural. Will it be less suspicious if you ask about him after getting your answers about three random people prior? Three is too text-book, make it four. Make sure to ask about someone else as well afterwards, so it doesn’t sound like it was the goal. Make sure your voice doesn’t give it away when you mention his name. It’s easy.

The interrogation was supposed to leave you feeling at peace, but what you learned left you confused instead. Confused in your own feelings. Irritated, enraged…, upset? What do you mean that motherfucker quit?

Peeling the carrots was relaxing, skinning that orange vegetable. Small white lines becoming more and more transparent before disappearing, strong refreshing smell. What else is orange in the room? One of the buttons on the TV remote was orange before you threw the TV out, that black mirror of the screen made you anxious, so it had to go. Jim’s place had an orange towel, not much of color at your place. You had an orange eyeshadow in one of the makeup pallets, one of those colors no one ever used. You only used natural ones, to make you look presentable, but still respectable and serious. Why would he quit? Found something worth leaving it all behind for? Someone? Good for him. Would be good for him, if it was the case. Probably wasn’t. Probably quit to drink more.

You couldn’t imagine him doing anything other than what he was doing. He was out of place anywhere else. He was the kind of person who was so reliable in stressful situations, but an absolute mess in a day-to-day life. You wondered if he knew how to pay taxes. Always had the government do everything for him, they basically groomed him and he was too comfortable. And the motorcycle? With the drinking? A recipe for a fucking disaster. A recipe, right. You needed another carrot. You were stressed beyond reason as it was, here he was giving you another headache. You threw the carrot into the sink. You already peeled enough actually.

So, he quit four months ago. And you’re just getting to know about it. Like that, from some random guy. No one even bothered to tell you, like it didn’t matter. Did they consider even for a moment that maybe you knew something that had to be accounted for before letting him go? How did they even just let him go? You went though a lot of bullshit to finally quit, your trauma playing a factor. Did they catch him drinking on duty? He always said it wasn’t this simple when it came to quitting, so what changed?

This fucking salad wasn’t turning out great. And you weren’t even hungry anymore. Jim was about to be home in few hours, you had to eat or else you’d be forced to eat the cow vomit he called food.

This was wrong, mean thoughts. Jim didn’t do anything to upset you. If you didn’t like his food, you should take the matters in your own hands and cook for him. Find vegan recipes online. You could find anything online.

You could find anything online. A couple of thoughts ran through your head, conflicting with each other. You were not about to stalk your ex.

Anyway, vegan food didn’t have to be nasty, Jim was just in too deep and got used to it, you didn’t have to suffer. You’d cook up something decent. He’d be glad you’re committing to the bit.

The recipe. To the store. To Jim’s place. To the kitchen. Fuck the carrot salad. Fuck all of this.

“This. Is just. Amazing” – Jim annunciated, taking another forkful of the mushroom gravy pie with garlicky kale mashed potatoes, - “Is there anything you’re not good at?”

‘Oh, you have no idea’ – a spiteful thought ran through your head.

“Well, you tell me,” – you smiled instead.

“As far as I’m concerned,” – he stood up, grabbing your waist, - “You’re perfect.” – placed a kiss to your temple. Why is always the temple?

You almost pushed him away, before recognizing that your annoyance wasn’t directed at him, you actually liked how he hugged you, you tried to relax into his arms.

“It’s going to be okay, Riley’s gonna be fine,” – he placed another kiss to your temple. Who the fuck asked him to mention Riley? He never even let her in the house properly, what does he know about anything? You let out a suppressed scoff and inhaled sharply. It wasn’t his fault; you were just on edge.

“Thank you.” – for nothing. That mean person in your head just couldn’t shut up. Shut up. “I’m sorry, last couple of days were crazy. I’m glad you’re back.”

Be the best version of yourself for others. Unlike some.

The conference or the meeting- the event-whatever, went well, he even managed to land another similar gig, that was good. Jim told you all about it, he went out to celebrate with the people that organized all that and got you a stuffed toy from the slot machine. Sweet. You laughed at his stories and he almost made it all better. But once a thought got into your head, you were persistent to abuse it, obsess over it, you knew that trait, and you had to manage it somehow.

“Remember Kennedy?” – you said nonchalantly, brushing your teeth before bed.

“The president?”

“No, the guy I used to work with.” – you had to talk with someone about it, otherwise you’d keep thinking about it in private. Those thoughts needed a way out, and you could tell Jim anything.

“Ah, the one you used to date.” – he was getting ready for bed as well, assembling the pillows in that secret smart way that gave him superpowers of never straining his muscles or something.

“Yes. So, I was catching up with some colleagues and guess what? He quit few months ago.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. No one even told me. This is how I get to know about it.”

“Yeah, what about it though?” – the pillows must not be pillowing because he was not paying enough attention. – “Why would they tell you?”

“Jim. Do you understand the situation? How it looks like?” – you glared at him, toothbrush in hand. – “This is not about him, Jim. This is about me. About my reputation.”

He put down the pillow, looking at you, dumb expression on his face, - “How is this about your reputation now?”

“Are you kidding me?” – you spat toothpaste out, washed the brush and fastened the silk robe around your waist, - “Do you know what kind of training he went through? We went through. Him, especially.” – it wasn’t about him though, - “The… What we’ve been through? Generally. Last time we spoke, he was coping horribly, drinking and-…”

“You’re super tense.” – Jim came over and put his hands on your shoulders, rubbing slightly. – “Ease up. Want me to rub your shoulders, huh?”

“I want you to know why I’m upset.” – you sat down on the bed, Jim still rubbing your back, - “You just don’t quit that kind of job without support. What if something happens and then… Me.” – you pointed both hands at yourself, like you had to explain it to him, - “What are they going to say? What kind of a psychologist am I? Who’s going to grant me with a prestigious position and a PhD with an ex who did… all… that?” – you couldn’t bring yourself to say that, but you trusted Jim to figure it out. It wasn’t a healthy situation.

“Listen, I know.” – Jim started working on your neck, it wasn’t even tense, - “You can always twist it though.” – Twist what? Your neck? – “See: you both went through something so horrible…, and look what it did to him. But you, you managed to crawl your way back from hell. And you can help others.” – he said it with a theatrical grandiosity, knew how to lighten the mood.

“This isn’t funny.” – you swerved your shoulders away; it wasn’t working in the moment.

“Or look.” – he sat up straight – “Nobody cares about the timelines, it’s the story that matters. Can always say his demise inspired you to help others.”

“This isn’t funny, Jim. I’m so serious right now.” – what was he even talking about?

“Okay, fine.” – Jim sighed, like you upset him by not complying, - “Let’s be real. I honestly don’t think anyone’s gonna care about your personal life like that.”

“You don’t know how it is, they will dig up every possible reason not to lend me the spot. It’s men who can date high schoolers and still work with kids. Me, a woman-…”

He rolled his eyes, - “There we go… Yes, I understand it’s the whole world against you.”

“You don’t know what’s it like, it’s important, I cannot let my reputation be tainted with something like-“

“Oh, how would I know?” – why was he mad? – “My job’s not that serious. I don’t have to care about my reputation.”

“Jim, don’t fucking do this. This is not about you.”

“Yes! What is this even about? I don’t think your ex is going to fucking kill himself because he quit. Guy’s probably having the time of his life right now.” – he looked at you – “Damn, not everyone’s fucking crazy!”

You stared at him.

What? You had to go get some water. Anything to just calm down. He was supposed to comfort you, not this. Not everyone’s fucking crazy? Like whom? Did he just call you crazy?

No, he didn’t. And he was right. You spent way too much time with suicidal people, not everyone’s like that. You needed to relax and let it go. You finished you water and came back to bed.

Just laid there in silence for a moment, before Jim shifted to cuddle up, you put your head in his neck.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m just stressed. It’s the apartment, it’s Riley being away, you leaving…”

“It’s okay” – he kissed your head, - “I get it.”

He kissed your shoulder and it felt like you were pressured into peace you did not deserve. Restless. Moving in with him would be a challenge, you suddenly found yourself clinging to all the chaos you still carried inside, knowing that he’s on a mission to install order over it. You cannot imagine sleeping next to someone every day, not being able to twist and turn till sunrise.

You closed your eyes, feeling the bees and worms move under your skin. One day, they will go away. It will all go away.

“I don’t like what you said last night…” – you brought up in the morning, getting ready for another day.

Jim was not in the mood for the conversation, but you both valued communication - “Is this about your…”

“Yeah, I don’t like how you talked about him.” – you both understood each other without having to say much.

“Okay. What was it I said that you didn’t like?” – he was putting up with you at this point. You didn’t like feeling like you were someone he had to put up with.

“You talked about him…” – you motioned with your head – “ending things?”

“Yeah? I thought you did that.”

“You put it harshly, I don’t like this, don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it.” – he was just saying things.

You sighed, - “It’s not that… It’s a sensitive topic for me, you know that. And it’s very real.”

“I know” – he buttoned up his jacket and walked up to give you a small peck.

When you got together, Jim promised he would lean a thousand languages to get through you. That you will always find a middle ground. Sometimes it felt like he was just saying what you wanted to hear to shut you up.

The day was slow, full of grading assignments, checking if the paint was drying flat at the apartment (you already managed to mismatch the primer with the paint once, causing it to bubble up before), talking to the vets at the clinic, who assured you that all Riley needed was a small surgery and that it wasn’t anything to worry about, but she was transported. You could even see the pictures from before they took her, except you couldn’t. You couldn’t see her in the state that you were. And if you miss out on the chance to see her one last time, you wouldn’t forgive yourself. And you’d be forced to end things. It was a nice set up, Check-mate, universe. There will be no life without Riley, so everything had to be okay.

You were happy you no longer worked with people; you wouldn’t wish a therapist like yourself on your worst enemy. But then maybe you would. That would be a neat punishment.

You did not manage to find anything about your ex on the internet, gave up on that task and picked it up again a couple of times. Even lying on the bed after a hot bath, which usually helped, the thoughts just did not leave you. He was a threat to your reputation. It’s not like it was easy to find anything on someone with a job like his. So that actually meant that if anything were to happen, no one would know. This thought should’ve been sufficient enough to put your worries to rest, but it made you even more restless. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, and you had to know. It wasn’t even about anything, you just had to know.

What if imagining him in misery was easier than imagining anything else? Maybe the thought of him being happy made you uncomfortable. What then? Could you trust yourself to be a bigger person? Deep down you knew, the mean voice in your head wanted every single person who didn’t choose you to suffer in regret. It was because of your parents. And that voice had no control over you, unless it did. And sometimes it did, but not now. You were the bigger person, maybe not when Jim sat on the bed, disrupting your thoughts. You were the smaller person next to him, literally. He was bigger. And the bed moved under his weight.

The thoughts had to go; Jim had no business being present in the aura of your maliciousness. To him, you were good. And you would be good with him. He’d make you better.

“I can see the stress radiating off of you” – he laughed lightly, - “putting a hand to your forehead”. Goofy.

You smiled and rubbed your eyes, - “I’m fine…”

“You’re not fine” – Jim got all up in your face, a playful smile, studying, - “I know how to deal with tension.”

“No doubts, I heard you were famous for that.” – you matched the tone, - “Traveling around the country sharing your knowledge with serious people.”

“Oh no,” – grabbing you by the waist, he laid flat on his back and pulled you up on top of him, - “A masterclass for you only.”

Oh no. Indeed. “Wait” – you support yourself placing a hand on his chest as he pulls you up, kissing your thigh. You hold onto the bedframe, his kisses are warm, hot. The timing is off, you’re in your head.

Maybe it will work, maybe you need to shut your brain off, give in to him. And you try, as his lips make your muscles tighten up. You breathe deep, no thoughts. Please no thoughts.

The more you try not to think of something, the more your brain focuses on the matter – it was the bane of your life. Usually the problem was more general, less urgent. But at the moment, you tried really hard not to let any of it get inside your head, forget for a moment, let go. It doesn’t matter at the moment. Nothing matters, just you and… Just you and the disarray of fragments that steal your life from perfection. And Jim. Fuck, not like this. By focusing hard on not letting the visions in, you shut off from feeling, your body overstimulated, your brain fighting for the upper hand to block it out. It almost hurt, the pressure. Like a drawn bow, you tried not to give way. Not to think about the vet clinic, the walls, white walls in your apartment, your bedroom, your bed, a man on the bed, a vision of blue eyes staring at you flickered in your head so visceral, like a lightning. You grabbed the bedframe like a lifeboat to a drowning man, gasping for air, a shudder running across your body. Finally, no thoughts.

You collapsed backwards, your head on Jim’s boxers. You felt him hard, immediately deciding that you’re going to fall sleep, play dead. You could actually pass out, he could do whatever, you couldn’t deal with your mind at the moment. Your boyfriend, your fiancé, sat up straight, grabbing your shoulders and pulling you in. Only it wasn't you. He kissed that someone, moaning into her lips. She fell like a ragdoll onto his chest and he cradled her, brushing the hair with his fingers.

You slept in. Woke up and fell back asleep a couple of times, actually. You weren’t ready to give your brain another chance to work just yet. It fucked up. It fucked up so bad. Jim left you breakfast. His idea of breakfast never involved eggs. You could not look at yourself in the mirror. You thought you left shame behind. You held yourself accountable and never acted before you were sure you’d be okay living with your decisions. Should you hold yourself accountable for thoughts? Thoughts you couldn’t control. And you tried. For longer than you could admit.

‘This rotten feeling, this disgust with yourself will go away’ - you told yourself. Let it simmer, process it, and it will pass. Will be recycled and forgotten.

It was a mistake to even think about him in any capacity. It wasn’t your intention. But here you were, facing the truth that you will miss his touch no matter how much time passes.

You tried to test it in the morning, lying there next to your fiancé, his hand on your stomach, felt like any other morning. Eyes closed, you tried to trick your brain, concentrate on the weight of Jim’s hand, imagine the hand belongs to another. To him. And as soon as your imagination kicked in, the tug in your stomach twisted, heating up your cheeks, like some kind of engine. Nothing in your reality changed, it was all in your head. It was the end the world. That experiment.

Truly sadistic, you hated yourself in a way so profound, you found every way to ruin your own peace. Never left a negative emotion alone, always picking, digging, looking for something, always making it worse. Then cry when you found it.

You truly felt like the worst human on the planet. At least actual “bad” people never attempted to be good, they’d probably do a better job at it. It was their choice to do bad things. You made all the right choices and still failed.

Not being able to eat, you took a sip of green tea, you had to be rational. It’s not like it doesn’t happen to other people. The only reason you fantasized about your ex is because you were stressed thinking about him, and you were stressed thinking about him because of Riley. If Riley was here, none of it would happen. You had to make sure Kennedy was alive, for Riley’s sake. It still made sense to you. And actually, it was all in your head. Your memories. You missed your memories, not a real person. You bet if you saw him now, you wouldn’t feel a thing. Other than regret, disappointment.

He must be miserable, drinking his health away. Health is what makes us attractive at the end of the day. It’s all chemicals. So, if you were to see him, you’d be disappointed and feel adequate again.

And you will appreciate Jim for what Jim was. Stable, put together. There was no reason to lose your mind just yet.

Maybe you lost it, actually. Because you were pulling up every illegal way to look up your ex’s motorcycle license plates. You had a vague polaroid of Riley next to it, from that one time you saw each other. She looked too excited and happy. Like she won a treasure hunt. You had o take a picture. To busy your hands, because meeting him was awkward. Riley made it less awkward. Saved you every time. Your poor little girl. It would all be okay.

Did he get any tickets? Where did he park? You did not recall all the numbers, only a fragment of the plate visible in the picture, and it turned out there were too many similar motorcycles around. And he could’ve moved. Probably did, so it was a dead end. You scoffed, closing the laptop. ‘Repair shops’ sparked in your brain. For being your worst enemy, sometimes that brain was useful. You called up every repair shop you could find, asking if they had any experience with the particular model, acting like you needed their services. Had a list, had a car, had a whole day to drive around and interrogate them about a particular customer.

You read them well, you knew people; could tell when they didn’t know anything useful and weren’t lying. Until you saw a flicker of recognition in the eyes of one repair shop owner as you were showing him a picture, you didn’t look at the picture. The owner had thick moustache and tattoos. Tough case. The likes of him never ratted out people. Not for a low price at least.

You swore you could’ve bought a bike with the money that it cost you, but now you knew that your ex introduced himself as “Scott” (how original, went by the middle name), few times had a drink or two with the owner. And needed help with his motorcycle every once in a while, it was always ‘a gruesome sight’. Yeah, sounds right.

So, the bar was the only clue you managed to find. Maybe with the magic you possessed, or liked to think that you possessed, it would be enough.

So, you went home, put on makeup, got dressed. You had to look good to feel confident. And headed to the bar.

So, naturally… You spent few hours looking around the bar, trying not to look suspicious, attempting to see him in vain. For a second you found yourself feeling like a predator, a siren, some succubus; looking for her prey. Willing it to appear. But that didn’t happen.

Naturally.

Why would it? Magic wasn’t real, you knew it. But it was nice to pretend sometimes. If magic wasn’t real then wishing for Riley to be okay was useless. Then none of it made sense.

You asked for another drink. It was time to come to your senses. Time to own up to everything, to the mess you found yourself orchestrating. Maybe you just had to come to terms with the fact that you didn’t deserve the life you wanted. Maybe you didn’t want it to begin with. Maybe Jim’s mother was right. You were playing a role, she saw right through you.

Jim’s mother was a hateful cunt. You downed the drink in one go and asked for another.

But she was right. You were playing roles for as long as you knew how to. You wanted to prove to others so badly that you’re worth something. Your parents always found a way to devalue your achievements; if they weren’t tangible, that meant they were up for grabs. And your parents grabbed them and twisted, making sure you understand that it wasn’t yours. And if it was, it was wrong somehow. They always found a flaw and made it their mission to put that flaw of yours on a pedestal of your being. So, you wanted to prove them you’re capable, reaching for every medal to drown that pedestal in gold. To show them that they weren’t wrong for pointing it out, because fuck, you weren’t perfect. But they were wrong for doubting you. For not loving you the way that you needed. For making you feel like the worst creature ever, for simply having emotions.

They made you feel evil for caring. Made you feel manipulative for having enough empathy to measure your reactions to circumstances. And you caved in, you trusted that they saw the real you, so you became what they wanted and tried to fix this person, so they recognize that it’s you, but you’re better now. And it never fucking worked. Tears of pure frustration and grief crawled down your face. Shameful tears, defeated. You tried t break this person you created with their help. Tried to become someone you respected for a change. Became an elite agent. And you did ruin her. You ruined her till there was nothing left but a smoldering ribcage that struggled to keep all the memories. You just had no idea that you’d have to live inside that girl you destroyed, after the fact. That this girl is all that you’ll ever have. Honest to God, you did not think of that.

“Got stood up?” – some guy sat down across you, a drink in his hand.

You tried to wipe the tears away with your fist and ended up pressing both hands to your eyes, a couple of sobs falling through, - “Just… Go!” – you almost growled, hating him for making you realize you’re in public. Hating him for making you be mean to another human. You weren’t mean. You were a good person.

The guy made a comedic face, loudly announcing ‘what a bitch’ to his friends to make his exist. You pressed the heels of your palms into your eyes, you face squeezing, tears dripping from the elbows, head shaking. Everything was the worst ever.

Is this how he deals with everything? Does whiskey treat him better? Does life treat him better? It doesn’t matter. You hoped it did. It did treat him better. If you could find something that would make the pain and the bitterness a little less intense, you’d take it. It wasn’t your fault alcohol just never worked. Nothing ever worked and maybe it was your fault after all. You breathed for a while, hands in your eyes, like it’s going to hide you. Waited till the noise got quieter. And left.

Another morning at noon. You felt like shit, staring at the white walls, perfectly pained. You did a good job. You were good at painting things over. Different paint, same walls underneath. Called off the plumbers, they insisted on coming over, claimed there was some thing with the new plastic tubes not being connected to the steel ones properly because they messed up; they could do it another day. You didn’t want to see a soul today. Or ever. Your ‘vacation’ was coming to it’s end soon, maybe routine will bring you back to life. It always helped. You were no good out of loop. Couldn’t be trusted with your own life. They were all right, all of them.

Maybe the dissociated state that you found yourself in was better than being unnerved at every little movement. Maybe it was better to feel nothing for a change, to think about nothing. There was no point in thinking about anything when everything was doomed anyway.

It wasn’t really, but it felt like it. You’d call up Clara, you’d go back to work, you’d see Jim’s smile, you’d hug Riley. It will all fall back. Another round at trying, a little more cracks here and there, but it will fall back. You noticed a tiny line on the wall, just next to the door, where the paint didn’t reach.

You still had some left, it was for the kitchen, but it didn’t matter if you had to waste a bucket to cover up that little mistake. You always paid an unreasonable price for the smallest mistakes, it made sense.

Just as you were finishing up, the phone rang. So loud it startled you and a big splash of paint crushed into your t-shirt, some streaks dripping down onto jeans. “Fuck” – you murmured and walked up to answer – “Yes?” – annoyed at no one but yourself.

Turned out you forgot your bag at the bar. Placed it carefully under the table, so no one spots an easy target to rob, as you cried your eyes out like a pathetic fool. Well, no one spotted; not even you.

You walked up to the bar, didn’t even care to change, not in the mood to drive (mostly, not in the condition to park, driving was the easy part). Thanked the bartender, making sure you’re extra nice to make up for your angry tone over the phone. Took your bag, tipping well for not keeping it to himself, checked the insides (all there) and was about to leave when you turned around and froze for a moment.

A huge surprised smile found it’s place on your face before you knew how to react. You saw him staring at you, a surprised face; perhaps his one was a little more sincere, you just played a role. Time to be social.

“What? Hey!” – you pointed awkwardly at him, at yourself and waved, laughing.

He smiled, rising his eyebrows shaking his head in disbelief – “Hey?”

You sat down at his table, a surge of uncontainable bravado coming over, - “What a… I did not expect…” – you laughed like it was the most bizarre coincidence in the world. Your head ringing.

He just shook his head agreeing, apparently, couldn’t find the words, it seemed, - “Me neither?”

You both laughed politely, nervously. What the actual fuck?

“Really?” – you were not ready for this. Autopilot speaking.

“What? Yeah, I… I promise I did not stalk you.” – he took a sip of something, smiling. Your eyes following the glass. Still drinking? You asked the bartender for a soda.

You were not prepared to see Leon. Especially not when you were wearing old jeans, an oversized t-shirt, all covered in paint, last night’s makeup barely rinsed with water, mascara still sitting around your eyes in black circles. You got yourself into it. Well, maybe your magic did work after all. Maybe it was him who had to be disappointed for you to let go.

You rubbed your eyebrows, stressed, but with a big polite grin.

“I did not even think of that, now you’re giving me ideas!” – you smiled. If only he knew. If only. – “So… Umm… What are you doing here?” – took a sip of the soda, it stuck in your throat.

He looked better than the last time you saw him. A clean shave, sitting up tall, same features, his hair cut recently - “Waiting for you apparently.”

You laughed, pointing at your clothes – “Well I wasn’t…”

“What…” – he looked you up and down, - “is that?”

You bit your lip and smiled proudly – “I’m renovating!”

“Renovating? Your apartment?” – was it even a real conversation?

How do you even talk to someone who used to live under your skin when you’re pretending to be strangers?

“Exactly. We’re moving in, with my fiancé and all… I decided to renovate it a little, before selling” – you kept smiling, looking away.

Boundaries. That’s how you do it.

“Your fiancé?” – you noticed his eyes scanning your fingers for a moment. You weren’t lying, you just didn’t wear the ring. – “That’s a… Congratulations.”

Congratulations? Really?

“Um… Thanks?” – suddenly you felt uncomfortable, your smile started to feel too fake to upkeep. You didn’t feel like it was something you had a right to accept congratulations for.

The initial shock backing out, taking the heightened boost of confidence with it. You sighed. What now?

A moment of silence.

“How’s the job?” – you looked at him, waiting for the answer so you could ask your questions. You had many.

“It’s fine. The usual.” – he looked more solemn by the second as well.

Why would he lie? The path to questions blocked. Was it his way to keep boundaries?

“Yeah well… I don’t want to hear about the usual.” – you tightened your face in a smile.

He was the one lying. You had it all figured out, your life, you didn’t lie; and he couldn’t be honest. So, it was you who’d be disappointed, not him.

“I know.” – he looked back at you. That was him, the eyes, not the polite bullshit. And suddenly it hurt more than you imagined.

“Yeah… Well.” – there was truly nothing else to say, - “You seem to love that usual so…” – except you had everything to say.

But you won’t. There was no point. Chose the job over you, obviously was fine with it. It was the past. He didn’t say anything. Had nothing to say, did he?

“You look thinner” – he commented, studying your frame.

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, - “It’s just the t-shirt. And a lack of training. Muscles go down, you know. I gained weight actually.” – you tried hard to be nonchalant, talkative. That meant you were comfortable, people talked when they were comfortable. But you were anything but. So uncomfortable under his stare. He noticed you looked smaller; did he remember how you looked that well? How you felt? Does he still think about it?

He better not think about it. That would make you uncomfortable. You felt a slight burn under your eyes, heat spreading to your face.

“Okay.” – there was a glimmer of something mocking in his eyes.

“What?” – you tilted you head, exaggerated annoyance on your face. If you talked and if you were engaged, he might not see through you. Might be distracted.

“Nothing” – he pressed the glass to his lips.

“Oh, come on, what is it?”

He smiled into the glass, laughing to himself about something, - “Nothing, it’s just… Your idea of weight is hilarious. Always been.” – he swallowed whatever it was that he was drinking. Yeah, he’s so big and muscular and your weight is a joke in comparison, you get it. Very funny. You watched his neck move, remembering how it felt under your lips. ‘Always been’ so he remembers. Of course, he does, why wouldn’t he? People don’t just forget others, as much as you convinced yourself you could. Something stoic in you ordered to do everything in your power to make it stop. There had to be a way to make him unappealing.

“You still drink?” – come on, lie some more.

“Only before seeing you.” – he put the glass down, - “Kind of like a habit.”

He was basking in his humor before seeing your hurt expression, - “Come on, it was a joke.”

You just stared at him, wounded, - “It wasn’t funny.” – the muscles around your eyes contracted, but you kept it under control – “Was I a joke to you?”

Some sadness flickered in his eyes, a hint of shame? You needed more than a hint and a lot more than a flicker. How could he do this to you?

“I’m sorry.”

‘For the joke or…?” – you shrugged, mockingly. What was it? Spell it out, asshole.

He had this way of looking at you, like you were on the other side of the ocean and he was just trying to understand the message by clues. You were clear and loud.

What did he see on the other side? - “For everything.”

You scoffed, how typical. How easy. For everything. Everything, nothing. It was so simple. For everyone. No one. Always. Never.

“Okay.” – another fake smile, angry tears threatening to come out. You nodded, laughing, - “Okay.”

He blinked a couple times, faster than usual, sighed deeply, called your name. You were looking at the table. Nice wooden table, you’d like a table like that. Jim should get a table like that.

“I mean it. It wasn’t a joke for me either. It was hell.”

“Oh!” – you laughed, not bothering to wipe the tear that fell, it wasn’t a sad tear. It was rage, - “It was hell! That’s umm… Nice to know.”

He called your name again. Were you making a scene? Embarrassing him maybe?

“I apologize profusely for the hell that I was to you, the thing is - I did not know.” – you put a hand to your heart, it was pounding – “Honesty, I had no idea.”

He shook his head, annoyed at something. At himself, you hoped, - “Please?”

“What?” – you demanded.

“Don’t.”

“What?” – you shrugged.

“I’m happy to see you. Don’t… - “

“Oh, you’re happy? I’m sorry, I thought I was hell, I didn’t figure out you were happy. You’re just very hard to figure out, I guess.”

“It was hell seeing you go through… Everything. And it was hell making it worse.”

“It was your choice.”

“Was it?”

You shrugged, it was obvious, - “You could’ve quit.” – like you did now, you almost added.

“I really couldn’t” – he seemed so sincere. Liar. – “You can’t think it’s that easy.”

“I managed.”

“Yeah, and I had to pull some strings for that, strings that bind me.”

“What strings? Those missions? – he didn’t say a word, - “I didn’t ask you.” – more silence, - “You still could’ve left. Just stay, hide. It’s your goddamn life.” – it was ours.

“Yeah, you do that and they go after your family.”

“Well, you didn’t have one.” – you spat out before realizing you hurt him. That was just a fact, why is he acting hurt?

Oh. The realization hit. He meant you. They’d go after you. Family. You inhaled sharply through your nose, and blew the air out of your mouth.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. I did what I thought was right. And it seems to have worked out.”

“What are the indications?”

“You seem to be happy.” – it was a little ridiculous to say that in the situation, so you both laughed, tension relieved. You understood what he meant though and nodded.

He did what he thought was right. Leaving you was right. You heard enough and asked if he’d mind walking for a while, you needed some air.

And the night’s air was exactly what you needed. Wasn’t too cold, but inhaling it tickled your nose up to the forehead, a sensation to focus on. Something to keep you grounded.

You talked about your job at the university, briefly, small talk. About your life with Jim. A talk between strangers who once had a chance. Or whatever. Strangers who did the right thing. Strangers who weren’t convenient for each other anymore.

You found yourself looking for his approval. Telling him about how great your life was in all shapes and colors. He mostly listened. You talked about how friends disappear once you work for something you’re not allowed to talk about, he agreed. It was nice talking to someone who could relate, despite the hurt.

Your home security alarm went off, you set advanced motion detectors in each room, helped your anxiety to be under control. Or maybe helped your anxiety to take deeper roots, caving in to fears. It was your bathroom. Strangely, the alarm didn’t go off for the hallway, did someone enter through the ventilation? Leon asked if it could be Riley, your heart sank. You told him Riley was taken away, that she’s having a surgery tomorrow. He asked many questions about the apartment, practical ones, tactical even; about the windows and who had the keys, but insisted he’d check it out with you. ‘You won’t go there alone’. Oh, but you could. And he knew you could. You’d stare at the walls for days afterwards, listening to the sounds outside of your window, like a broken robot, but you could. You had a feeling you’d be doing that regardless. It was sweet that he was acting like a gentleman. And you couldn’t lie, you wanted him around. Just somewhere around. You felt like he took away some vigilance. Like you could finally not overthink what was happening over your shoulders.

Reminiscing the missions you took on together, you got inside, expecting anything but what has really happened.

The plumbers were right, the tubes were not connected right; you entered a steamed-up apartment, hot water pouring out of the bathroom. Ditching the jackets in the hallway, Leon turned the screw between the tubes as you blocked water supply, making jokes about it rather being robbers.

“I just hope I don’t flood the neighbors.” – you said, mopping up the remaining water.

“You’re selling it anyway, think of them as somebody else’s neighbors.”

You laughed, just noticing how he got wet all over.

“Hold up, I’ll get you dry clothes.” – you walked away followed by his loud protests.

He genuinely looked upset, angry and embarrassed as you handed him a pile of clothes. You couldn’t just send him home soaking wet, could you?

You also realized you had to make tea. Him being home put your mind at ease. Except it wasn’t home, it was a half-destroyed by your ‘renovations’ apartment for sale, and he wasn’t there really, just happened to step in. It didn’t matter. It was enough for your brain to feel better and you’d take it.

Leon walked out of the bathroom in dry clothes, a look of absolute confusion on his face, - “Is this my clothes?”

Whose clothes did he think you’d give him?

“Yeah, obviously.”

He didn’t say a word. You pointed him to sit, a cup of mint tea ready. He took a sip, contemplating something, frowning even.

“What’s the matter?”

He looked at you, an expression you couldn’t read. That was new. – “Why do you have my clothes?”

“You left it here. You… kept it here.” – you explained. Was he suggesting you stole it?

“No, I know that. Why do you keep it?”

That was a weird question. – “What was I supposed to do with it? Throw it away?”

“I guess.”

You both stared at each other in utter confusion. Was he being weird or were you weird for not throwing it away? Why did it seem weird now? Even to you. But how could you?

You never touched it nor looked at it. Kept it hidden at the back of your wardrobe. How could he suggest that you’d throw it away? You spent a couple years by now, dreading that all that will be left of him was a bag of dust. You’d like to have something to hold on to.

These thoughts made your heart race. He was alive and well. Next to you. Talking. Looking confused, but that will do. That means Riley is going to be alright. No one is turning into ashes, not today. Not ever.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t have a heart to… You should take it. You can take it back. There’s another t-shirt I think…”

You didn’t want to weird him out. You were a little unsettled, but he had to understand.

He sighed, looked around, something heavy on his mind. You knew, yeah, same. Fucking same.

He stood up, - “About Riley…” – he started. You stood up as well, alarmed. Did he know something? You realized he probably knew they put down dogs that weren’t useful. Who spent time off duty. Just to spite the good. They were evil like that. You knew that, refused to think about it, but you knew. Took one person you cared about, now they were about to kill your dog. Your happy little girl. She wasn’t a soldier; she never saw blood. Just your pain. Spent her whole life with your sadness, maybe it was better for her to be taken away, you were ready to hear anything, - “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see how things are and report back, okay?” – you tried to breathe evenly, there’s no need to be weird. – “She’s going to back in no time.”

You nodded, a bit too much. Okay. Yes. You’d like that. There was no logical reason to believe him, you knew he was out of the system and lied. But he never let you down when it came to these things. Until he did, once. You’d forgive that.

You’d forgive anything. Your façade broken, standing there, looking at him. A collection of pieces put together all wrong. Barely holding on, out of place. You smashed those pieces even when they didn’t fit, applying too much force in anger. It was all spite and resilience. But he made you feel like your rage was excessive. And it all fell apart. Every time you saw him after he came back from these missions, you’d fall apart. Like the strings holding it all together gave up on you. Like the whole world gave up on you, but not him. He was back and he was okay with the scattered pieces. It hurt putting it all back together when he left. But it hurt holding on to this monstrous cadaver as well.

You took a step and he hugged you, one arm over the shoulders, space in between. Like a goodbye hug between friends. You reciprocated, hugged him tighter, both hands, your temple touching his ear, cheek touching a side of his neck. Right there, this is where you belonged. For a moment the world made sense.

You could easily let him lie to you, hurt you, it didn’t matter. You tried to live without him and you failed. You knew better now. He smelled good; right. Did he know it was yours? The way he smelled, that you carried it in your heart, that meant it was yours. Did he know that he was yours?

Did he realize that you were his? For what it was worth. For no reason at all.

He put a second hand on your shoulder and you didn’t wait for him to kiss you, you waited too long, it was too slow, you went for it. He stalled you with a hand, warm hand gripping your collarbone.

“Leon…” – you slurred, nudging your head. It was all there. Everything in the world.

He almost whispered, - “What are you doing?”

What were you doing? You didn’t know. You didn’t think. You did what made sense, there was no use to think about it, that was the point. That’s why it was right. You looked at his face, glass eyes, blown. You loved him. That’s what you were doing. You lunged forward, him stopping you once more, he called your name, carefully. Calling to you to understand something. There was nothing to understand.

“You’re engaged. What is this?” – tone upset but still sympathetic, like a teacher who found it’s most promising student cheating on a test. ‘I will let it slide, but don’t do this again’ tone. ‘Don’t you see where this is going’ tone. ‘You’re better than that’ tone. You weren’t better. And you didn’t care.

“I don’t care,” – you were honest. You’ll break up tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter then, why should it matter now? There was a delay, but ultimately the outcome would be this. Why did it matter?

“You should.” – Leon not even looking at you, looking at his hand holding your frame.

“I don’t,” – you repeated. No emotion, just honesty.

“I do.”

“You shouldn’t,” – you got closer, just for him to hold you tighter in place, keeping space.

“I should. And you should. You can’t do this.” – some anger coming to the surface, - “You’re not using me to ruin your life.”

You couldn’t process anything he was saying. This concerned look on his face, like you were in some altered state, like you weren’t all there. But you were. You were all there. All there and nowhere else.

“Kiss me?” – you pleaded, you didn’t have it in you to talk, there was nothing to talk about.

“No.”

“Please?” – you begged.

“I’m seeing someone.”

He let go when he was sure you wouldn’t attempt to get closer. But you didn’t get it. So what? It was great that he was seeing someone. He was seeing you at the moment though. And you were seeing him. So close and real and it felt like home. “Okay.” – you said.

“You’re going to be okay?” – he took his jacket. You didn’t understand whether it was a question or a statement. Everything a blur. You nodded. Whatever he said. And he was gone.

It was okay. He was okay, looked great, healthy, better. Riley would be okay. That’s what you decided earlier, if he’s okay, then she’s okay. And if they are okay, you’ll be fine. And he promised she’ll be back. Between her and him, at least Riley will be back.

You slept in peace.

Called the plumbers in the morning, watched them fix the problem. You were happy they had this ability to fix something. Just few hours ago there was a problem, and now the problem was gone. You weren’t jealous, but you admired it. You made peace with the idea that your problems weren’t up for any fixing.

You weren’t made to fix anything, just to break. That’s the way you were brought up. You build just to break. Then you stand there looking at the ruins, lamenting the parts you got used to. And you dream about them, then you wake up.

It won’t be any different this time. It just won’t be any different.

And it was comforting.

You sipped a day-old tea, thinking about anything but the future. Tea leaves grow for some time, they must think being connected to earth, sucking in sunlight and being green is what their life is all about. They must find comfort in that. Then they get ripped, and dried. And it must feel like death, like there’s nothing ahead. The green turning brown, curling up on themselves to find some comfort. And then, it only makes sense if they find some peace being under the sun, they realize their existence is all about something different now. Still in the sun, still whatever they used to be, but different. And just as they come to terms with it, they get boiled. And it must feel like a death too, but you bet water soothes them, makes them soft again, takes away all the pain and the sunlight they’ve been hold onto, the flavor. And it’s all good once more. Then you drink it. You drink it and you think that you’ll be fine.

It was exhausted being sorry for simply being you. Food felt like an enemy. Sometimes you wished there was something wrong with you. Something that would make people feel sorry for you. To inspire pity instead of resentment. You got blamed and hit for the things that hurt you too. Beating you when you’re down. To teach you a lesson, like they had a right and like it was noble and you knew. You knew and you agreed, but it wasn’t your fault. You wish you were different. You tried to be different. You wanted people to recognize it. You wanted them to see that no, you didn’t do this to yourself. You did, but you wish you didn’t.

You wish you could be as coherent as others. You wish they recognized that you were on their side. On their side against yourself. You agreed with every punishment. Weren’t you good enough at least for that? Haven’t you secured a place on the Noah's Ark for yourself with that? Haven’t you earned it? You didn’t want to be left alone with all the monsters to be forgotten.

It was cruel to create a monster just to have someone to hate. But if that’s the role, you’d play it. Clinging to at least some belonging.

The dinner that you hosted at your apartment the next day came to its conclusion. Just like everything. Free trial of a life that never was yours. Jim praised you one more time, one last time perhaps. He reached in his pocket to check the keys before going out, took out a small circular metal piece, his mood transforming. It felt like watching a scene from a movie you already saw. A hundred times; you used to watch it as a kid, rewatched it with friends growing up, sharing the experience. So, by now, it was too familiar to engage.

“You know, I’m not even angry with you. i just know… I know that it’s gonna catch up to you.” – fast forward to where Jim was done trying to make you change your mind. He never had a chance, - “It’s women like you. you think the world is your playground. You take what you want and you get away with it.” – He was holding the ring, shaking it; you imagined the ring wasn’t there, he’d look as if he’s making an impression of an Italian, - “You want a new job, you take it. You want to change it, you do it. You want a new hobby, you go after it, leaving the old one half way, after you already purchased God knows how many-… You want someone’s attention, you trade people.” – He was struggling to make a point. Was there a point to make? – “And you think it’s all you. You think it’s your choice, but you do not choose. You’re being chosen because you’re a nice choice, you’re expendable. And your problem is, you think you’ll keep getting away with it, but you won’t. Once you get older, and trust me you don’t have much left, you will find out that the real world is different. The doors that people open up for you will be closed and you will be miserable, lonely and old. Knowing it’s all your fault. Knowing that you discarded every good thing you put minimal effort into because you thought you could get something better because the world lied to you, and you actually believed you deserved better. Because you’re ungrateful, selfish, self-absorbed-…” – there it is, - “Next time you play the victim, I want you to remember that. I know you’ll make all this,” – he gestured around, - “, into you being a victim somehow as well. I want you to know it’s your fault.”

You stared at him, stirred your tea in a cup, tea leaves looked relaxed in pale yellow liquid, - “What the fuck do you know about the real world? Your parents paid your way into college.” – all you said calmly.

And that’s how he was gone.

Jim was right about so many things, he was smart. But he was also full of anger. In his world, everything fell into place. All he had to do was to agree to it. And he assumed it was the same with you. That you just didn’t agree with the pieces that didn’t assemble easily. It wasn’t true. This was the only part he was wrong about. You had to work for every piece. You had to work for everything you ever had, because no one handed you a thing, punishing you for not being the way they wanted you to be. And when you work hard for it, you have every right to let it go. It’s yours to destroy. And you’ll work to make something else, you have it in you.

And it won’t work again, but it was okay. You sat alone; your apartment half-renovated, half-destroyed, half-old. Fitting. You will never sell it for anything better. You couldn’t know what to do with anything better. Didn’t deserve anything better, and the better didn’t deserve you.

A surge of relief came over; you thanked the universe for dragging you out of the state of constantly worrying about your kids. It felt like saving someone who never existed. Just imagine the lives of children raised by someone who ruined everything she created and a man grudging this much resentment and hate towards whatever she created. They would be so hated and ruined. They wouldn’t be. You had too much love in you to let them go through something like this.

If the only love that was yours to give was meant to be distant, you’d take it. You’d love people enough to keep them away. All you wanted in return was their understanding. You hoped they were thankful.

You could never fix yourself, so you tried to fix others, disregarding boundaries because how could you not? You were giving them the best of you, the only good you had, and watched them walk away. It didn’t work out well. So, you tried giving yourself to those who didn’t need fixing. And figured you had nothing to give. All you had was broken parts that could fit to cover up the cracks. You didn’t have a full thing. Came pre-damaged in a box that wasn’t carefully delivered.

Your thesis project never revealed itself because you couldn’t work on something you didn’t fully care about. And working on something you cared about was too personal, too intimate. You feared others reading it and seeing all your vices. Realizing you’re a bad person. It would ruin all the chances of clinging to the image you attempted to grow into. But right now, it didn’t matter. You set your mind on the project. You’d write about the therapeutic relationship, the relationship between a healthcare professional and a client, from the perspective of a professional. It was decided long ago and just now fell into place. And you’d do it for the sake of stating your piece, not for a PhD. You had nothing to prove. You proved yourself enough. And it was enough.

Riley was happy to be back, greeting you at the clinic. It was just a harmless cyst they removed. You still had your suspicions, but they were subsided when you signed the papers. Apparently, there was an issue with you being a handler, they were evaluating whether they should make you go through the procedures proving you really needed a service animal, not just an emotional support pet. In truth, you needed Riley, and Riley needed you, her wagging tail and hugs being the confirmation.

Riley didn’t know you were a fuck-up. Riley loved you through the worst. It was selfish of you, but you were selfish like that. There was no changing something this fundamental.

You sat in the car looking at her. Where would you take her? Your apartment still a mess, paint and wallpaper, dismantled furniture.

Was it worse to not be able to ever get what you want, or to be able to get whatever, but to never know what it is that you wanted? Every desire, every effort, every door leading to the wrong room. And then you have to fight your way out.

You blamed others for not seeing you your whole life, but now you didn’t even see yourself. It wasn’t all bad, all good, but just enough chaos to make the effort trying to decipher it all useless.

So, the effort was useless. It was the right thing to leave you all along, he was right. Leon was smart as well. He’d rather drown himself in poison than see you, and leaving you was right. He was seeing someone. You hoped that was someone better. Someone worth the effort. There was no jealousy. If he had something good, it would be something you weren’t fitted for regardless. It’s not like someone could ever take your place, you had no place to occupy. But you were his, in a way. You hoped he didn’t think about it too much, but it would be good if he knew that. And he was yours. In some way. No one could take it away, not even him.

A when he came over in few days, you sensed that he knew. Leon claimed that he wanted to make sure Riley’s home. You thanked him, for asking, for aiding, you didn’t know if it was his doing. You knew, but you didn’t know if it made seeing him easier. Still sedated by the events, you figured it’s best not to do too much. For when emotions were to kick it, it would be too much rubble to pick the good out of. You were ready for the mess; all you could do was make it less of a problem for your future self.

And Riley was about to sleep, you spent the day locking all the mess in your room, so she can be safe. So, you went outside, for a walk. Didn’t want the image of him in your apartment to linger. You’d never finish renovating, wouldn’t dare to let go. Stubborn. It didn’t matter now, but it would later. Cushioning the fall is the only strategy you subscribed to.

You walked for some time; he was still walking with the version of you that still had it all together. You didn’t know with which version of him you were walking. It didn’t matter, you were okay with any version. He was asking questions about your work again, a safe topic. Keeping the distance. You already told him everything there was to tell. What was even the point?

“Do you like me?”

He looked at you, from the other side of the ocean. It wasn’t storming this time. Still water, perhaps more dangerous than the waves, - “What kind of question is that?” – he hesitated, careful, - “Of course I like you.”

“No, I know…” you wanted to have a conversation, not with your ex-boyfriend, ex-partner, not with a friend or a guy you were trying to steal from someone, not with any social role you were forced to play. You wanted to ask him, soul to soul. Outside of time and space. Honest opinion, no obligations. – “I know… But do you like me?”

The raw honesty in your voice made him realize it was larger than that, - “I do…” – he slowed down slightly, - “I always liked you… I admire you, you know.”

You didn’t like that answer. What’s worse is that it didn’t feel like a lie, - “So you don’t know me at all then.”

“I do know you.” – he’s almost offended at that. That’s good, let him be offended and tell what he actually thinks, - “I always did… I didn’t understand you at first.” – good, you wanted details, - “It didn’t make sense to me why you even volunteered for training to begin with. Thought you were naïve. You had a choice and you didn’t have to do it. I didn’t have a choice,” – he was recalling, - “But then I realized that it made me angry because I envied you.” – that was new, you tried to place those feelings of his onto your memories, it didn’t land. He saw your efforts and clarified, - “That was before we started talking.” Did he think about you before you actually worked together? You didn’t even know of him before that. – “And it was comforting, that someone with something to lose would choose to do what I had to. Made me feel better about the whole thing. For a while…”

You wanted to make him see, it was fraud, - “Yeah well, I don’t stick to my choices.”

“I know. That’s what I like about you. You know what you want and you’re not afraid to do whatever it takes to get it.” – so confident and so wrong, - “And when you don’t want it anymore, you’re not afraid to let go.” – wrong again.

“Yeah, I’m not sure about that…” – you sighed.

“I’m sure. What is it about anyway?” – he finally glued his eyes off the pavement and looked at you, - “Cold feet?”

“What?” – you looked back.

He was looking at you with the care and sympathy of a pet owner before putting said pet to sleep, - “The wedding and all.”

“Oh,” – you caught the drift, - “No.” – he had primitive thoughts, you were figuring yourself out, not chickening out before the altar. You never even got there in your own head, why did he drag you there in his thoughts, weirdo - “What are you… No!” – you looked scandalized, - “We broke up actually.”

“What?” – you liked surprising people, - “When? I didn’t know that.” – he’s suddenly not so dramatic anymore, - “What happened?”

“Nothing.” – you muttered, still mad at him for marrying you off in his head.

“People don’t call off weddings without a reason”

For fucks sake, - “There was no wedding. There was an engagement for no reason, we ended it for no reason.”

“So, it was mutual?”

The image of Jim shaking the ring in anger appeared before you, - “More or less.”

Leon tried to suppress some weird emotion. You gave him a mean side-eye. Gloating that you failed at something decent? You thought of him better.

“I’m sorry.” – the change in his pace begged to differ.

“I should be” – you say, mirroring his words earlier, - “But I’m not.”

“So, there will be no doves at the wedding after all.”

“Who even does that anymore?” – why was he so fixated on that fucking… - “Oh.” – you got the joke. Doves. Dove. Him and his fucking jokes. You wanted to hit him.

It was cathartic for you. You wanted him to hang onto your words, looking into your eyes and have a deep conversation, not this childish… - “As I said, this is why I like you, you’re brave.”

Where was this coming from?

“You don’t like something and you’re not afraid to let it go.”

“I am afraid.” – you corrected, he had you all wrong, - “I’m so afraid, actually, all the time. You know it.”

“That’s the part of it. You’re afraid and you still do it. Can’t be brave if you’re not afraid at all.” – he’d make a great motivational speaker.

“There’s a difference between being brave and being stupid.”

“I’ve never seen you do anything stupid.”

“You’re blind then.” – the conversation you wanted to be profound turned into some elementary bickering at this point.

“Name one thing.”

“I’ll name a hundred.”

“Go ahead, I’m all ears.”

Something broken tugged on your heart at that, calling in pain from the rubble. Something buried alive under all the mess. The screams you tried to ignore.

“Let you go.”

And with that you killed the comfort you organized between each other. Destroying boundaries once again, your forte.

He ignored it, pretended you didn’t say it. Shut off. He wanted to hear it, he asked. Are you to blame again?

“It was the smartest you’ve ever been.” – he finally said, taking your hand in his for comfort, a sign that he wasn’t mad you brought it up. Words so heavy with sadness, but there was no anger directed at you.

You were walking in circles by then, just patrolling the streets, no goals and no directions.

“Not how I see it.” – you doubled down, your hand fit so right in his. You loved ruining things.

He just squeezed your hand slightly, like he understood where you were coming from, but didn’t agree.

You felt worlds away. He was somewhere in his head you couldn’t reach, somewhere in the past with his codename references, somewhere in the future with his fantasies of your wedding. You were nowhere but in the present. And it made sense, you had no place in his present. But you were there, and he refused to let you in. It was lonely. It felt lonely holding his hand when he was like this.

“Don’t be mad at me.” – you found your voice in silence.

He looked at you, tired confusion, - “What happened?”

“Just in general.” – you trembled.

He stopped to take a look at you. There was no point. He wouldn’t get it.

“I just…” – you felt the tears coming, - “Everyone is mad at me.” – you confessed.

He pulled you in closer like a bag of bones and hugged, - “Hey… Come on...” – he caressed your head. Pity hug. You were okay with it. You wanted pity. Didn’t care if it was pathetic.

“Let them be mad,” – he said in secrecy.

“I’m going to die alone and everyone’s going to be mad at me.” – not even Clara could get that truth out of you.

Leon took you by the shoulders and looked you straight in the eyes, testing if you were serious about something this ridiculous. It wasn’t ridiculous, it was true.

“Who told you that?”

“I did.”

He just blinked, thoughts running through, - “Well don’t say that,” – like it was this simple, - “Fuck, don’t say that.” – he cradled you in his arms again, hold closer, let go and pressed his lips to yours, soft, - “Don’t fucking say that, okay?”

You blinked, trying to assess the situation, grabbed his jacket, so he doesn’t go anywhere while you’re on it. You just needed a moment; ‘don’t you dare disappear.’ ‘Don’t you dare disappear on me again.’

“You-…” – you looked, eyes hazy, confused. And he kissed you again. This time a proper kiss, you made a sound to get his attention. Hold on. Just hold on, now. Break.

“I thought you were seeing someone.” – you whispered, accusing. It was okay for you to disregard others like that, you held him to a higher standard.

“I’m not seeing anyone.” – he looked like he’d say anything to get back to kissing you, a sudden change from the cold shoulder hugs and hand squeezing just moments ago.

“Did you break-up-…” - Did he feel it too? Did he realize no one else comes close? Had to breakup just after seeing you once?

“No, there wasn’t anyone. I just said that.” – that will do. Or will it?

“Why would you just say something like that?”

“I don’t know. I got scared.”

What? – “You got scared?”

“Yeah, I got scared. You were about to ruin everything, because you got carried away for a moment.” – you could feel his heart beating from where you were holding onto his jacket, - “Couldn’t let you do that. And then you’d hate me for it.”

“I would never hate you.” – you kissed him this time, and he pulled you closer, - “I wouldn’t” – you promised.

“Sorry,” – he said in between kisses, the wind cold on wet lips now, - “You scare me sometimes.”

“Why did you lie about the service?” – you cupped his face, kisses growing more aggressive, - “You quit.”

“I didn’t” – he got his lip bitten for that, he hissed, - “It’s not that simple, got suspended, ‘be dragged back next time they need me anyway.”

You needed a wall or any surface, pin him down. Make him confess more.

“Where do you live?” – you looked at his lips, hungry for the truth. Him. Drag him in the present. Make it all fit.

“Hotel. I moved. Only came here to see you.”

“Liar.” – you tugged on his hair, - “You visit the shop for your bike here every couple months.”

“It’s a good shop.” – he smiled at your assertiveness, and you pulled his hair stronger this time, he groaned, pained expression, - “I came here to see you before.”

So, he was visiting your lecture that one time. Turns out you were on the same page after all.

You patted down his hair, soothing. Kissed him more. Satisfied with the answers, for now.

“Are you stalking me?” – he smiled.

“Yes.” – you were honest, - “I’m crazy.”

“I know that,” – he looked proud, - “I like that.” – he joked. Maybe he wasn’t joking.

His hotel room was empty, organized, nothing to study. You wanted to know everything he was up for when you weren’t together. What else was he hiding? The frustration apparent in your aggression, clawing at his clothes, slapping his hands away when they got in the way, like you wanted to punish him for taking too long. He fought you to get his way with kissing and holding you how he wanted giving you a lot of grace. Yielding only until he wasn’t. And you took advantage of the soft spot he had for your temper. Shameless. He liked you for taking whatever you wanted. You wanted him. His body and soul and his life. All to yourself. If that was a lie, he’d have to deal with consequences.

But it didn’t seem like he was lying. Not one bit. It was the most honest you witnessed him to be. Grabbing the clothes off you to claim any unkissed territory. Kept saying something incomprehensible into your lips, your skin, it was all a blur of ‘missed you’, and ‘need you’ and you knew. “I know” you breathed him in, “I know” - you understood, yearning painfully radiating. He was the only one to make you feel like this. To make you feel this. All of this.

You felt the urgency and trembling need to wrap the reality to make it faster, get there as soon as possible. Tugging and pulling, and moving, begging Leon not to wait any longer. Like you might not make it on time, like he won’t meet you there, until you found yourself at the edge. And it felt like you were about to jump into the abyss. Like with every thrust he brought you closer to a fatal explosion, like it will ruin you forever. But he was right there with you, he wouldn’t do that to you.

You tried to stall him and suddenly you felt every atom in your body tremor, shake and break away from your form, leaving you floating in the space, black, white, just blank… A spark of color appeared in the nothingness; magenta, purple, orange, red, cyan. It felt like all the brightest colors at once, somehow together, but not mixing. You saw them all at the same time, able to differentiate but they were all united. All existing everywhere and you were a part of it too.

Another one, a trail of sparks outlining your neck, his lips brought you back into your form, you managed to feel where the space ended and your body began, your body. You left the state of absolution and came into your body for him. Only for him.

He kissed your neck back into its shape, his hand lifting your back to pull you closer, reminding you of how your shoulder blades move. Your body was real again and it could move. He’d always pull you up for contact despite being on top of you. Like he didn’t want to give you up to the ground, like he wanted you to be his alone. You shift your legs along his hips, the sensation of his skin making them real again, and when he pulls out, the tug at your core concludes the ritual and you’re fully back on earth, transformed; remains of galaxies that couldn’t fit spilling out.

You breathe, looking in his eyes with your brand-new ones. Does he know you’re seeing for the first time?

It looks like he doesn’t. It looks like he doesn’t know, nor understands a thing. Like he just witnessed a miracle: a woman appeared under him out of star dust, and he doesn’t yet know how to process it, but he’s not surprised. He can’t be. Not when he willed her into existence. No, it’s not a surprise, he’s in awe. Like he put his all into this conjuring but wasn’t sure it was even possible to succeed.

He pressed his forehead to yours, like a silent prayer to keep you from disappearing into the light, like a solemn promise to be a silent witness of this miracle; a promise between him and you or him and God, the universe. It seemed like all three collided.

You couldn’t tell if you agreed with this, but if any Godly being was what created humans, you felt like it worked through Him to return the particles that made you who you are, inside of this physical form, lying on the bed next to Him. Perfectly assembled, whole again. You were just drawn to this power he was bestowed with, to be closer. To make it happen. Just two entities, doing what fate woven into its plan since the start.

It felt right. And in the morning, it felt right when his hand was lying on your stomach, you didn’t have to think about it twice, or at all. It was the hand that was meant to be there. He traced the scar on your side, you traced the knuckles on his hand.

“Riley must be awake by now” – he said that morning.

And you answered, - “Let’s go home.”

And that morning he said – “Yeah, let’s go.”

And that evening you asked him if he’s going to help you with your apartment. Make a home out of this mess. And he also said ‘yes’.

And you finally realized that yes. You did get what you wanted. Took some time to figure it out and some effort to get there, but you will always get what you wanted. Let them be mad.

#leon kennedy x reader #leon x reader #leon kennedy x y/n #second reason #part 2

143 notes · View notes