#however with the frog that statement is much more literal

[xornoth-fanblog]

(This isn't Xornoth related but I had a thought)

What if Jimmy, the character of course, has cotards syndrome? You know, that thing where the person thinks they're already dead or don't exist.

With Jimmy it would be him thinking he's already died. I don't think I have to explain why. I'm not sure how to continue with this but the idea needs to be out there. Maybe he forgets to eat? Why would a corpse need to eat? And maybe it explains why he's a bit reckless, I mean, what's gonna happen? He dies? You can't kill a corpse. He doesn't see any threat as a concern because you can't kill something that's dead before you even take your sword out. What if he forgets to breathe, or sleeps oddly still? Sometimes he gets sad about having died and nothing can convince him he's still alive. For lore reasons maybe he remembers past deaths, and he's convinced the close calls were fatal. Surely I'm not the only one who sees this.

[intern-seraph]

twst biology lore and you

aka is malleus a mammal (and other seraph classics)

i have been Thinking as of late. about twst biology. again. i've already theorized about the surname practices of the briar valley fae and, of course, posed questions to my followers about what frog people would be and the implications of draconic fae being oviparous.

so, of course, i have come bearing the same questions and statements and analyses, but collated into a neat little post and with more up-to-date information. spoilers ahead, if that isn't clear.

sorry.

ON CLASSIFICATION: WHAT MAKES A BEASTFOLK A BEASTFOLK? A FAE A FAE? A MERFOLK A MERFOLK?

it is, on its face, easy to determine the line between merfolk and other humanoids in twisted wonderland: merfolk need to live in the water. everyone else does not. this covers all extant fish species, cephalopods like octopi, and any marine mammals.

cool. okay.

what about. amphibians.

are there frog people? salamander people? would they be classed as merfolk because their life cycles require a semiaquatic environment? would their young be born with tails instead of legs??? or would they be beastfolk, since adult amphibians are mostly terrestrial? (but in that case.. what about axolotls? they're fully aquatic due to maintaining their juvenile, gilled form even as adults)

the line between beastfolk and fae, on the other hand, is much more blurry. the primary characteristics that seem to be possessed by all fae are slit pupils, pointed ears, and large magical reserves that play an important role in maintaining their lives. they also have very long lifespans and accordingly age very slowly, but these appear to vary between different "types" of fae (bat fae, for example, tend to have a lifespan of around a thousand years, while draconic fae can live for many thousands of years). we know that (of the large fae, we're not going to go into the small fae folk of the faelands) there exist draconic fae (the draconia family and possibly another royal fae family from the land of red dragons?), bat fae (lilia), and crocodilian fae (the zigvolt family), but obviously there are more than that.

excluding bat fae, it might then be assumed that beastfolk are distinguished by inheriting traits from various mammalian species (see: lion beastfolk (the sunset savannah royal family), hyena beastfolk (ruggie's family and neighbors), wolf beastfolk (jack and his family), fox beastfolk (fellow honest/ernesto foulworth (why did they name him a real person name.......)), and cat beastfolk (gidel/gino)). HOWEVER. there exists. BIRD BEASTFOLK, as we learn in tamashina-mina/cloudcalling on the savannah when we meet kifaji/neji! this means! that the label of "beastfolk"!! does not just!!!! apply to!!!!! mammals!!!!!!!

after all.

as we all know.

birds are reptiles :)

anyways.

WHAT, THEN, DRAWS THE LINE? is it magical capacity? that would make sense when considering the existence of bat fae, as bats are mammals, which one might assume places bat people in the category of beastfolk. would that then mean that there are crocodile beastfolk in addition to crocodile fae? and then would that mean that some animal species just. cannot exist in both fae in beastfolk, like dragons? are they just... too innately magical to be beastfolk? what happens when there exist beastfolk with high magical capacity??? HELLO? IS THIS THING ON????

YANA. HOW DO YOU CATEGORIZE THESE THINGS. WHERE IS THE LINE, YANA. YANA TOBOSO ANSWER ME GOD DAMN IT.

NIPPLES, BELLY BUTTONS, AND OTHER DRACONIA THINGS

mammals quite famously have mammary glands. we're literally named after them, they're really hard to miss (usually. we'll get there.). all female mammals have them, many males also have them.

for most mammalian species, mammary glands secrete milk through a nipple. this goes for everyone except the monotremes, who are freaks that lactate via secreting it from their skin. monotremes do not have nipples, regardless of sex.

so, what are monotremes? in short, they are the only order of mammals that are oviparous, meaning they reproduce by laying eggs. as stated before, they lack nipples and instead secrete milk through their skin. there are 5 extant species of monotreme (4 echidnas and the platypus).

why am i talking about this, though. why do you need to know any of this.

because i need yall to understand how bizarre it is for a mammal to lay eggs!!! AND THE DRACONIC FAE ARE OVIPAROUS!!! this brings me to the haunting question... is malleus draconia a mammal. if he is, then is he a monotreme?

all oviparous animals (monotreme or not) lack a belly button by the way. the belly button, or navel, is essentially a scar left behind after the umbilical cord dries up and falls off/is cut. oviparous critters don't have an umbilical cord! anyways, does malleus have a belly button? DOES MALLEUS HAVE NIPPLES??? has yana toboso been covering up every inch of malleus' skin in all his outfits so far to avoid showing us his navel-less tummy?? was he excluded from the stitch event so he wouldn't have a nip-less groovy when all the other boys have nips???? i need answers. now.

SPECIATION, OR THE LACK THEREOF

the biological definition of a species is "a group of organisms that can reproduce with one another in nature and produce fertile offspring"*

with this in consideration, if beastfolk, fae, merfolk, and humans are all different species, they should not be able to produce fertile offspring across species lines.

this is, on its face, simple. they are so very different, after all!

... you may have noticed that i have avoided using the term "species" to refer to these different groups, aside from the animals the former three are based on. yeah. about that.

sebek exists. so do his siblings.

he is half-fae half-human. so are they.

if he and his siblings are able to have biological children of their own, this means that fae and humans are NOT different species.

okay, wow, what fucking gives, then? are beastfolk, fae, merfolk, and humans just... the same species?

i propose that they are.

consider the dog: we commonly think of dogs as being a separate species from wolves, yet wolves and dogs are able to produce fertile offspring: the wolfdog! this has led to wolves and dogs being classified more recently not as separate species, but as subspecies of Canis lupus (a common, extinct ancestor species).

I PROPOSE. THAT BEASTFOLK, FAE, MERFOLK, AND HUMANS. ARE THE DOGS TO EACH OTHERS' WOLVES.

THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING SPECIES. THEY ARE ALL HOMO SAPIENS.

THANK YOU. AND GOOD NIGHT.

(* yes i know that the definition of species can vary and that people may disagree with a rigid interpretation or whatever. this is an analysis post about disney's villain anime boy mobile game Twisted-Wonderland i genuinely don't know why someone would expect me to engage that thoroughly in discussions of scientific semantics)

[dragonnan]

Secret

May Prompts 2024

Full disclosure this is a completed story on AO3. However this fit the prompt perfectly and this is not a story that has seen much attention so double bonus! Haha!

May 12: "Secret"

It had all started in Dartmoor.

It had nearly been 2am by the time they'd finished up at the field and had staggered back to the hotel. Sherlock had left hours earlier so John had offered to remain behind with Greg while they had filled in the local constabulary; a greying man a year out from retirement along with his replacement-in-training. Well out of his jurisdiction, and glad of it, Greg had suggested a stop at the hotel bar before heading off to bed. John had been more than happy to erase the evening in alcohol and they'd ended up having several drinks before finally splitting off towards their respective rooms. The room he shared with Sherlock was dark when John wrestled his key into the lock and swung the door. Opting to spare his vision, he switched on only the bedside lamp – filling a corner of the room with a warm yellow glow. The bed was empty, of course. The bar had been empty of everyone save himself and Greg so it was anyone's guess as to where Sherlock had wandered off. No doubt burning off the events of the night in his own way, John didn't dwell on the other man's fluctuating mood – moving instead towards the loo... only to find the door locked.

“Sherlock?” A double rap of knuckles met only silence. “Sherlock, you alright? Open the door.”

“John?” The soft warble of his voice was enough to pump a shot of adrenaline through John's chest – alarm pushing him to rap the door a bit more firmly. “Sherlock, let me in.”

“John? What's wrong?” The voice came from behind him, this time; Greg rubbing at his forehead and looking about as knackered as John felt and far worse than he should be feeling after just two pints. Granted, it had been preceded by drugged mist, explosions, and giant dogs.

“It's Sherlock. Not sure what's going on,” he filled in softly. Greg, for his part, moved to rubbing his eyes.

“Well, aye, he's probably just paggered.”

An odd scramble followed Greg's comment. And then there was the sound of breaking glass.

“Shit,” setting his feet, John didn't hesitate in throwing his shoulder against the door – forcing it open onto another shadowed room. More scrambling followed – like something hard scraping against wood – and then Sherlock gave a short yelp and the shower curtain collapsed just as Greg blasted the room with the overhead light. John winced at the retina blinding afterimage – groaning as he pressed his palms against his eyes.

“Christ, ta for that...”

Eyes slow to adjust with the near blinding, it took John a moment to focus on the figure wrapped up in plastic. The curtain, with its pattern of small frogs in sailor hats, jutted up in a way suggesting something sharp was tenting it. Now fully in the tub, Sherlock had curled into himself as much as the limited space would allow.

“Please, don't... I'm fine.”

“Bollocks, you're fine,” John muttered; reaching for the curtain and pulling it aside...

Greg actually stumbled back – knocking something over that John couldn't be arsed to care about because his focus was completely on the figure huddled before him.

It was Sherlock... or... what looked like Sherlock. But...

“Good Christ, are those antlers?”

John shook his head, hard, with eyes squeezed tight. That fucking mist. No doubt still in their systems and an evening of drinking couldn't have helped matters. “Dammit, we're still hallucinating.”

An unexpectedly wild giggle burst from Lestrade. “Oh, ya think, do ya? Naw, I was thinking Sherlock literally turned into a bloody antelope!”

“Faun.” Both of them, now, looked back to Sherlock who still had antlers and, from the waist downward, a heavy layer of reddish brown fur, a scattering of dainty white spots, and...

“Hooves. He's got hooves.” John made that statement with the observation of someone of whom fate had delivered into madness. Of course he had hooves. He was half a deer, apparently.

Groaning, Greg staggered back towards the main room to drop into a chair. “Is it normal for a drug to last this long? I mean, I've done a fair bit of reading on the effects of stuff like cocaine and marijuana and even methamphetamines but this just seems...”

“Potent...” John offered – still transfixed by the absolute realness of the fantastical nature of Sherlock's form; as well as the fact that, aside from the rapidly fading buzz of alcohol, he didn't feel the least bit high. That said, the drug they'd been exposed to was completely unknown and it occurred to him that all three of them should have headed straight for the nearest hospital to be placed under observation.

“John, you are not hallucinating.” Sherlock had finally managed to tear the curtain free from his – well his... yeah. He remained crouched in the tub, however; his hooves... feet... slipping on the smooth porcelain.

It was then that John noticed the streak of blood on the rim of the tub.

“Damn, you're bleeding.” Pushing away all thoughts of deer people, John stepped forward to grasp Sherlock's upper arm – preparatory to helping him from the tub. This close he could feel the tremble running through Sherlock's body. He felt nearly hot to the touch and John cursed again at the realization Sherlock had been alone and sick while he'd been off making an evening of it. “Come on. Let's get you lying down so I can take a look at that injury.”

He refused to acknowledge the sensation of soft fur brushing against him as he helped Sherlock to stand. Between them, they managed to get Sherlock to the other room – Greg moving forward to help when the two of them emerged from the bathroom. Soon Sherlock was stretched out on the bed and John was examining the three inch gash across his right forearm.

“I cut it on the mirror when it broke.” His voice had resumed shaking – his whole body consumed with tremors.

“Yeah, well, its gonna need stitches. My kit is in the back of the car. Greg, do you mind?”

Grunting his reply, eyes still a bit dazed, Greg went to collect the bag while John gave the rest of Sherlock's body a scan for other injuries. Of course, this also forced him to confront the... less than human aspects.

“It's not real.” And maybe if he said that enough it would be true.

“I assure you it is. And had I the ability I would have changed back in order to avoid all of this. You weren't... humans are not meant to know of us...”

Cold bathed down from the crown of John's head to pour into his belly. “No. Nope. This is the side effect of a very powerful drug! Nothing more!”

“Do I look like a hallucination, John!” Sherlock roared – pushing himself to stand just as Greg returned from the car.

“Hell’s bloody bells...” Greg breathed.

Both men stood frozen as sobriety finally asserted that what they were seeing was actually, terrifyingly, real. And then Sherlock jerked, spun towards the nearest bin, and vomited.

An hour later, Sherlock sat, huddled and miserable, beneath the comforter while John and Greg finished up cleaning the bathroom of broken glass, scattered toiletries, and the torn remnants of Sherlock's clothes. Compartmentalizing had gotten them both this far but now, with no other activities to distract them, they were forced to confront the reality in the other room.

John could admit that he felt... well, terrified... Not of Sherlock, specifically but more... as though he had had the floor drop away – revealing a black and endless depth. It was apt that he felt he couldn't find his footing. Sherlock, for his part, had been very quiet during this time. Now, though, he sighed.

“Mycroft tried to warn me this would happen – eventually.”

John swallowed. Of course, Mycroft. He was one of these... these beings... as well. How many were there, then? Seeing the question on his face, Sherlock answered.

“There are more of us than you would think. As you can understand, however, it has been crucial to our safety that we remain hidden. If it weren't for what happened, yesterday, you would never have known about me.”

Trying, very hard, to get past the gut twisting wrongness, John moved to the chair directly opposite of the bed. Greg, for his part, still stood near the door. “You mean the mist?”

Sherlock shook his head; his antlers catching the soft light. “It's a reaction to coming face to face with a predator to our kind.”

John frowned. “Do you mean... the dog? I don't understand. I've seen you interacting with dogs, even patting then, dozens of times. Why would this...?”

“It wasn't a dog,” Sherlock swallowed, “It was a werewolf.”

Desperately putting the fur, antlers, and bloody hooves out of his mind, John scrambled for normalcy in the best way he knew how. By arguing.

“No... no I saw it. It was a dog. You said it was a dog.”

“Yes – I said it was a dog. But what did you see before I said that?”

He wasn't quite ready to accept that his flatmate was hooved much less that fairy tale monsters roamed the moors. But then the other part, of what Sherlock said, registered in his mind.

“Hold up – what do you mean by 'before you said that'?”

And here, Sherlock looked down, fingers pulling at the duvet. “I... our kind... we have the ability to alter perception. Not much – less so the younger we are – but enough to make you see a dog instead of a werewolf simply by speaking an absolute imbued with Power. It helps that you already expected to see a dog.” Here he looked up through his lashes. “Did you truly believe any drug would give everyone the exact same hallucination?”

John, though, still wasn't ready for all of... that. “That dog had an owner. Two owners – they admitted to creating this entire legend. Are you saying they had a werewolf and didn't know about it?”

“They knew exactly what they had. They thrive on trickery and no doubt were ecstatic over the chaos they caused.”

“So how did two, uh, humans end up in possession with that... that... that creature?”

Sherlock's eyes squinted shut. “They weren't human. They were satyrs. Similar to faun in appearance but far more powerful. They, too, can speak words of Power but unlike faun they can cloak their true nature from all creatures – including my kind. I didn't realize what they were until a short time ago.”

Hunched over his knees, John braced his hands on his thighs and breathed.

Finally giving in to the madness, Greg walked to the other chair where he dropped down with all the exhaustion of a man who hadn't slept for two days. Both hands scrubbed over his eyes. “So, what, you just speak one of these power words and we go back to seeing you as a human?”

Sherlock's lips pulled back, briefly, and John caught a glimpse of sharp canines. “No. At least not for a long duration given my form would merely be hidden from sight. The actual nature of my true body would still leave traces behind. As it is, faun are required to alter their shape in a manner which allows for full integration with humanity. It is, rather, a more physical process. And a painful one.”

At John's tipped head, Sherlock wrapped his arms about himself. “I can transform my shape. Well, once the adrenaline surge wanes enough to allow for it. It is not pleasant, however.”

“Does this happen a lot? Whenever you encounter a... well... a, ah, werewolf?”

Sherlock leaned back against the headboard – antlers tapping the wall. “Fortunately they are quite rare, nowadays. This is the first werewolf I've ever encountered. The last known sighting was more than sixty years ago.” Then, stretching, Sherlock swung his legs over the edge of the bed. “Now, if you don't mind, I need some privacy.”

It wasn't until he was back out in the hallway that John realized he'd just been kicked out of his own room.

Greg offered a pitying look. “I've a roll away in the closet if you want.”

John was about to accept when both of them startled at the sudden groan from the other side of the door. This was followed by what John could only imagine as the spongy snap of wet bone – immediately followed by a muffled scream.

“Jesus-” Without thought on the matter he immediately threw open the door and rushed back inside... to find Sherlock nude, soaked, and fully human, collapsed in a heap next to the bed.

Read the rest of the story on AO3

@totallysilvergirl @sgam76 @helloliriels @sevdrag

[3ternalslumber]

Orange Side Theory - Ignorance

I’ve seen orange side theories on guilt and anger — but those are emotions and generally fall underneath Patton’s area. Ignorance, however, has much more evidence to back it up including colour theory, suspiciously coincidental timing and even breaking down a side to it’s basic functions. In this literal essay I will—

First, there have been lots of theories ranging from guilt to anger. However, these are emotions, falling under Morality’s area. So I thought, what makes a side a side? The answer was thinking. Every side is a way of thinking. Logic and Anxiety deal with the thoughts and processes: the problem solving, if you will. The more realistic views, even if some are a little far fetched. The Creativity twins deal with the thinking of the soul. They grasp ideas and concepts through passion and imagination. Morality and Deceit deal with more morality based decisions — whether or not something is wrong before making a choice. So the Orange side must deal with thought processing of some sort. Due to guilt and anger falling under Patton's management, they are unable to be the Orange side; Patton had said, in Moving On: Exploring Nostalgia, that he’s “at the core of a lot of [c!Thomas’] feelings” (7:14-7:18). I've done some research and I've come to the conclusion that the Orange side must be, or relating to, ignorance because the side has only shown up through little hints, not quite being shown, almost daring people to ignore his presence. Furthermore, willful ignorance is a choice we make and can be detrimental to one’s life. For example, in Putting Others First: Selfishness vs Selflessness Redux, Logan is providing information and Patton presses the ‘skip all’ option, showcasing an act of willful ignorance despite the possibility of the information being able to help with the situation at hand (23:18).

Second, the dark sides and former dark sides each have noticeable abilities. Janus can silence sides from speaking or having influence on others, like in Can Lying Be Good when he stopped Logan from speaking his name (19:09-19:13). Remus can make c!Thomas focus solely on him by drowning out the other sides’ voices and making c!Thomas be able to only hear him, like in Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts (5:35-5:48). Virgil can duplicate his voice and make c!Thomas physically do things — possibly on instinct or due to the panic induced Fight or Flight reflex — as seen in Moving On: Exploring Nostalgia when he makes c!Thomas throw his phone at the ground due to c!Thomas’ ex calling him back (5:00-5:05). The proverb “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” is displayed in the ever changing picture frame above the couch in Patton’s room, in the episode Moving On: Dealing With a Breakup (1:25-1:41). Their abilities could reference this proverb. For example, Janus’ ability and domain could be a reference to ‘speak no evil’, being able to silence other’s voices alongside being the embodiment of ‘evil thinking’, or lies. Remus relates to ‘hear no evil’, given his power to drown out the others. The intrusive thoughts add to this, c!Thomas ‘hearing evil’ or bad thoughts because of the Creative side. Virgil is a strange case, as he doesn’t exactly match up with the ‘see no evil’. He does, however, match up with the less commonly known fourth part of the saying: ‘do no evil’. Virgil’s voice becomes louder than others to be heard, to become authoritative — he doesn’t use it often, usually when he’s panicked, but when he does, c!Thomas listens and often does what he says. Perhaps he wasn’t in the metaphorical — and literal — picture due to not being a Dark Side anymore, or maybe it’s because the proverb is more common without the fourth monkey. The only one left is ‘see no evil’ but who could fill in the gap? Sure, anger makes people not see properly — “blind rage” and all — but anger is an emotion that fades. Ignorance is, by definition, the lack of knowledge or information: willful or not. In law, willful blindness is synonymous to ignorance; the act of keeping oneself unaware as an attempt to get out of breaking the law due to their lack of knowledge of why it’s a criminal act (2, 3). In addition, when Logan, during Putting Others First: SvS Redux, presents two options: informed or ignorant, Roman presses the ignorant button without hesitation (14:13-14:18). Roughly three minutes after Patton, also in Putting Others First: SvS Redux, presses the “skip all” option instead of reading the information Logan had presented (23:18), “01134” is seen in orange at the top right corner of the screen (26:32). When typed in a calculator and shown upside down, the text says ‘hello’. Furthermore, the top right side of the screen also says “Thomas=8”, showing that Thomas has eight lives; one for each of his six sides and himself. Or perhaps it’s more than that and there’s eight sides that make up Thomas, it would make sense for him to be balanced (that might be an essay written at a much later time).

Finally, the Orange side only shows up after moments of intense ignorance. For example, at the beginning of Moving On: Dealing With a Breakup, Roman gets angry about nobody wanting to talk about the fifth season of Lost with him. c!Thomas asks Patton about Roman’s emotions as it wouldn’t be unwise to say Patton’s room would have an effect on the others like Virgil’s did. Patton responds that it was nothing, that he just acts “a little bit silly! That’s all!” and tries to distract the others with pictures, unsuccessfully repressing the emotions (1:25-1:35). This time frame is simultaneous as the picture of the monkey proverb — “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” — appearance (1:25-1:41). The picture changes, however, when c!Thomas refuses the option to turn a blind eye and asks for clarification. Furthermore, in Putting Others First: SvS Redux, if Logan did not verbally speak, c!Thomas, Roman and Patton ignored him. They carried on as if he wasn’t there, choosing to not read his possibly important information. In one specific instance, Patton asks Logan what a real philosopher would think about what he’s saying — when Logan gives an answer Patton doesn’t like, a button pops up in yellow and black (Deceit’s way of ‘shutting Logan up’ without being there, albeit technically being Patton who did so — side note: this is where Deceit took Logan’s spot). Patton presses the button and Logan — Logic — is silenced (23:18). It is soon after this that the orange side makes his presence known as the earlier mentioned “01134”. Later on, Janus (disguised as Logan) tells us that knowing or having been told certain information “does not give you the license to ignore it in the future, especially when the consequences of forgetting are so perilous” (27:35-27:46). Basically, information repetition is not an excuse for ignorance. Less than three minutes after this, Janus asks Patton to expand on his contradictory statements to which Patton responds with frustration of his own lack of knowledge, turning into a giant frog — a beast, if you will (30:20-30:30).

Ignorance is complicated, being quite the broad topic, but this seems like it’s too coincidental to be anything else: the way of thinking, the abilities, and the little hints.

Sources

Episodes mentioned (in chronological order)

Moving On: Exploring Nostalgia (https://youtu.be/ihCqpkPNtNM)

Putting Others First: Selfishness vs Selflessness Redux (https://youtu.be/KCr3SN6vWFQ)

Can Lying Be Good (https://youtu.be/N2d4oti_eBo)

Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts (https://youtu.be/Tn0pKxShY8Q)

Moving On: Dealing With a Breakup (https://youtu.be/m-PMR1TDMQk)

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_wise_monkeys (the proverb)

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willful_blindness (willful blindness/willful ignorance)

https://freemanlaw.com/willful-blindness-and-corporate-liability/ (willful blindness/willful ignorance)

[heartofether]

Episode 15 - Elderberries TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

[LOWER-PITCHED AND SLOWER THAN NORMAL] Please state your message.

[THEME SONG PLAYS.]

VAL

Three-eyed Frog Presents: The Heart of Ether.

[THEME SONG FADES TO A STOP.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. THE POPPY GARDEN MOTEL, AGENT MAY AND JUNES’ ROOM, EARLY MORNING.]

AGENT JUNE

Oh, is it on? I dunno how this recording device works. Would have been, like, ten times easier to just record on our phones, but, eh.

Anyways, it’s just me right now, which means I get to do all the talking. Guess I should, I dunno, talk about the mission? Daughtler?

Oh! I know. There’s this candy store downtown that displays massive gummy bears in the window, only it’s so hot outside that the bears have started melting. It’s some mix of disturbing, but also hilarious? Seriously, those bears look so sad, I can’t help but laugh.

Let’s see. Say, what’s that stupid thing he always says? [DRAMATICALLY MOCKING AGENT MAY] This is Operation Saturn, phase 1.2. Conducted by Agents May and June. All recordings are property of the—

[AS AGENT JUNE TALKS, THE DOOR IS HEARD OPENING AND CLOSING. THERE ARE FOOTSTEPS AS AGENT MAY WALKS IN.]

AGENT MAY

Here’s your coffee.

AGENT JUNE

Much obliged! Oh, you got it with oat milk, right?

AGENT MAY

[SLIGHTLY BITTER] It cost extra, but yes.

AGENT JUNE

Aw, hell yeah.

[AGENT JUNE TAKES HIS DRINK.]

AGENT MAY

I’ve never understood the excitement behind alternative milks.

AGENT JUNE

Hey, I’m lactose intolerant. Not that that would stop me from consuming dairy in most scenarios, but oat milk hits, alright? You should give it a shot.

AGENT MAY

I don’t put milk in my coffee, just sugar.

AGENT JUNE

Mm. Gross.

AGENT MAY

[HE HUFFS A SIGH.] Well, I’ll stop judging your coffee order if you stop judging mine.

AGENT JUNE

I’ll agree to that, sure.

[HE TAKES A SIP, THEN] See anything of note in the coffeeshop?

AGENT MAY

[UNCOMFORTABLY] Maybe. There was this girl sitting at a table. She was wearing all-black, which is strange considering the weather.

AGENT JUNE

Uh, ever heard of fashion? Dude, you literally wear a suit every day! No wonder you overheat. I mean, why do you think I skip the blazer?

AGENT MAY

[IRRITATED] At least I wear my tie correctly.

AGENT JUNE

I leave it undone on purpose, alright? It’s a statement.

AGENT MAY

Do you know how to tie a tie?

AGENT JUNE

[DEFENSIVE] Yes!

[AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

So, there was this girl in the coffeeshop.

AGENT MAY

She seemed fairly young. Must have been in either high school or college. She was staring at me over her laptop the whole time. Like she was, I don’t know, stalking prey. It was like her eyes were knives, and she was trying to carve my flesh off.

AGENT JUNE

So, she defo wasn’t just idly looking or whatever. Like, you’re pretty sure she was thinking about killing you?

AGENT MAY

Well, there’s no way I can know for certain, now, is there?

[A BEAT.] She was wearing a black fabric surgical mask, though.

[A TENSE PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

Do you think she was—?

AGENT MAY

I can’t say for sure.

AGENT JUNE

I mean, it might have been an accessory, but we’re in Daughtler, Washington—

AGENT MAY

I’m not going back there to check. Okay? If we see her again, maybe we can consider interviewing her, but I don’t feel comfortable going back to see her.

AGENT JUNE

[UNDERSTANDING] Alright.

[AGENT MAY SIGHS.]

AGENT JUNE

[CONT.] Alright. I won’t force you.

AGENT MAY

I—I appreciate that.

[THERE'S A PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

Uh, how’d you sleep?

AGENT MAY

About as well as I could in a car seat.

AGENT JUNE

Okay, I can’t just keep letting you sleep in the car. It was kind of funny at first, but now I just— [HIS SENTENCE TRAILS OFF IN VAGUE STUTTERS.]

AGENT MAY

[BEAT.] Well?

AGENT JUNE

I feel bad! Alright? I mean, look at me, I have this whole room to myself, and meanwhile, my partner is sleeping in a company vehicle that may or may not have bloodstains in the backseat.

[BEAT, THEN] Actually, I’d love to talk about those weird dark stains later, because uh, what, but I’ll let it slide for now. It’s still gotta be super uncomfortable, though.

AGENT MAY

We could always take turns.

AGENT JUNE

No, what I’m saying is I don’t think either of us have to sleep in the car! There has got to be a better solution.

AGENT MAY

The Foundation already declined giving us a second room, or trying to transfer us to a larger one. Trust me, I tried.

AGENT JUNE

Dammit.

[A LONG PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

It's king-sized, you know.

[ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.]

AGENT MAY

Do you think the motel has spare blankets? I think I could try sleeping on the floor.

[THOUGH UNSEEN, AGENT JUNE LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA LIKE HE’S IN THE OFFICE.]

AGENT MAY

…I’ll go down and ask later.

AGENT JUNE

Good idea.

[A BEAT. THERE'S SUIT RUSTLING AS AGENT MAY CHECKS HIS WATCH.]

AGENT MAY

We should head out soon.

AGENT JUNE

You’re really glued to that watch of yours, huh?

AGENT MAY

Excuse me?

AGENT JUNE

Not that it’s bad, you just check it a lot. I don’t really know what watch etiquette is, but I think you look at it more than most people do. I’ve also noticed you tend to look at it more around specific times? Is there a reason, or—?

AGENT MAY

[MORE SERIOUS THAN THE CONVERSATION WARRANTS] It’s none of your business. Perhaps I simply prefer to keep on schedule. Let’s go.

AGENT JUNE

[SLIGHTLY CONFUSED] Oh, um, okay. Sorry. [UNDER HIS BREATH] Jeez. Let me just—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[ANOTHER BEEP.]

[INT. THE OPEN EYES BOOKSTORE BACKROOM, EARLY, EARLY MORNING.]

HOLLY

Are you recording?

PHOEBE

Yes, yes, I am.

HOLLY

Kind of weird to be doing this so early in the morning.

PHOEBE

I’m sorry, I know it’s super early. Night just felt…well, it felt more dangerous, I guess? Even Grandma Doe recommended not doing it too late. I wanted to get it done before the shop opened, though.

HOLLY

Oh no, I don’t mind. I guess people usually just consider night to be “the witching hour.”

PHOEBE

This isn’t really witchcraft, though, is it?

HOLLY

Guess not. Most modern witchcraft is a lot more…chill, I guess?

PHOEBE

Right. [A BEAT.] Do you think it’s really a good idea to be doing this in the back room?

HOLLY

Well, it’s not like we have anywhere else. It’d be super shady if we did it right outside, and your forestry friend would be pissed if we went out into the woods to do it.

PHOEBE

[NERVOUS] There’s so much paper, though. I mean, we could easily set the whole thing alight. My apartment’s really small, I know, but maybe we could—?

HOLLY

Don’t worry about it. We did a pretty good job clearing stuff out to make space, I think. It should be fine, I mean, a lot of the most flammable stuff either got moved out or shoved against the wall.

Besides, didn’t she say that it might be good to do it here for like, symbolic purposes?

PHOEBE

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right. [SHE CHUCKLES.] Maybe this will finally give me incentive to organize everything.

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS, SOMEWHAT NERVOUSLY.] If this works, then hopefully you’ll be able to do that anyways.

PHOEBE

That’s true, yes. I, um, guess we should get started. Can you read the directions?

HOLLY

Of course.

[HOLLY IS HEARD UNFOLDING A PIECE OF PAPER.]

HOLLY

[READING] The purpose of all of this is energy. You are lighting fire to produce energy. You are grinding berries and eating them to produce it as well. Ether functions under this key desire for vitality. If you can understand this simple principle, this keen need it has, it will treat you much more kindly.

By designing this ritual for you, my hope is that it will spell out as clear as day to Ether what you are trying to achieve. It rarely gives people what they want, rather it gives what it sees fit for them. You must steer it in the correct direction, or else it will choose a different fate for you.

These instructions are similar to what Valencia and I did, as well as symbolic for what you hope to achieve. However, nobody has ever developed an exact science for how these rituals function. We may only rely on guesswork and hope. While I would like to develop more specific procedures and instructions, I do not know if I ever will. Perhaps that could be your task.

[BREAKING READING] Could I skip her whole monologue? We already read it, and I don’t think it’s important in-the-moment.

PHOEBE

Sure.

HOLLY

Cool.

[SHE FLIPS THE PAPER.]

HOLLY

Materials needed: Yarn or string to create a casting circle. Some people use salt, but it produces an awful mess. Several circles of yarn around you and your workspace will work just fine.

PHOEBE

We did that already.

HOLLY

Yup. [READING AGAIN] Three white candles with words carved into them. It does not matter what the words are, they simply have to be legible and completely cover the candle. No numbers. I just wrote out song lyrics on that one.

PHOEBE

Oh, that’s neat! I, um, did poems I like.

HOLLY

Cute. [A BEAT.] A lighter or match of some kind. Someplace to safely burn paper—we got a metal bin, so we’re good. Did you turn off the smoke alarm?

PHOEBE

I did, yeah.

HOLLY

Let’s hope the place doesn’t burn down, then. [CHUCKLE, THEN] I’m joking, I promise. It should be fine. [SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]

A book—you will be tearing out each individual page, so to save time, I suggest a children’s book. A bowl or container of some kind. Elderberries, I recommend you cook them beforehand, but make sure none of them are pre-mashed. Something to mash the elderberries with. Finally, a few drops of your blood, or something to draw blood with. That’s what the sewing needle is for, right? You sure you don’t want a blade? I have a pocket knife.

PHOEBE

[UNCOMFORTABLE] I get nervous around knives, but thank you for the offer.

Oh—actually, I wanted to ask, um, where did you find elderberries? I couldn’t find them anywhere.

HOLLY

I asked the bartender down the street.

PHOEBE

Huh.

HOLLY

Yeah, they make all sorts of weird cocktails. Are you ready? Once we start, we can’t stop until it’s complete.

PHOEBE

[WITH WEIGHT, NERVOUS, BUT DETERMINED] I’m ready.

HOLLY

Okay.

[HOLLY FLIPS THE PAPER AGAIN. THERE’S A PAUSE.]

HOLLY

Phoebe?

PHOEBE

Yeah?

HOLLY

Whatever happens, I—we’ll be okay, alright? No matter what. I’ll make sure of it, I swear.

PHOEBE

[TENDERLY] Thank you.

[THERE’S A PAUSE AS THEY ARE HEARD KISSING. HOLLY TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]

HOLLY

Create a circle around— Okay, we already did that. Um, Start by lighting the candles.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD LIGHTING A MATCH AND LIGHTING ALL THREE CANDLES.]

HOLLY

Tear each individual piece of paper out of the book. One by one, burn each piece of paper using fire from the candles. Once you have burned each page, burn the cover. Do not attempt to put any of the fires out. This tedious process shows care and dedication. The blood in later steps is there for a similar purpose.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD TEARING PAGES OUT OF A CHILDREN’S BOOK AND LIGHTING THEM ON FIRE. THERE’S A LONG PAUSE AS SHE DOES SO.]

PHOEBE

Good thing this book only has twenty pages. [A BEAT.] What’s next?

[PHOEBE IS STILL TEARING PAPER IN THE BACKGROUND, AND THE BURNING SFX GOES ON FOR SOME TIME.]

HOLLY

Uh—place your elderberries in the bowl and begin mashing them in a clockwise motion. As you do this, speak out loud and ask Ether to grant you knowledge and the ability to see what others do not. There should be no misunderstanding in what you are trying to achieve, and if you have garnered Ether’s attention, it should have already decided what it shall do with you. [MUTTERS] Fuckin’ weird.

[PHOEBE CEASES HER PAGE-TEARING.]

PHOEBE

The book is done. Pass me the spice grinder with the berries?

[HOLLY PASSES PHOEBE THE SPICE GRINDER.]

PHOEBE

Thank you.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD GRINDING THE ELDERBERRIES.]

PHOEBE

[WHISPERING TO HERSELF] Ether, um, whoever or whatever you are, if you are listening to me, please grant me knowledge. Grant me the power to see what others do not. Let me see and know everything.

[THERE IS A RINGING HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND AS HOLLY SPEAKS.]

HOLLY

If this works, the words on the candle should begin to—holy—God!

[HOLLY STUMBLES BACK.]

PHOEBE

Glow?

HOLLY

[FREAKING OUT] Yup? Uh—they’re actually glowing, what the—

PHOEBE

[OVERLAPPING] What’s next?

HOLLY

Sorry, sorry. [SHE RUFFLES THE PAPER IN HER HAND.] Mix a few drops of your blood into the elderberries.

PHOEBE

Pass me the sewing needle.

[HOLLY PASSES PHOEBE THE NEEDLE. SHE PRICKS HER FINGER.]

PHOEBE

[UNDER HER BREATH] Ow.

[SHE LETS A FEW DROPS COME OUT, SUCKS ON HER FINGER BRIEFLY, THEN MIXES HER BLOOD IN.]

HOLLY

Drink the elderberry mash. You must consume every bit of it, or at least as much as you can.

PHOEBE

[GROWING IN A MIX OF PANIC AND EXCITEMENT] This is it—I mean—wait, I’m about to consume my blood, that’s weird, but—this is really it.

HOLLY

[ENCOURAGING] You can do it.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD DRINKING THE ELDERBERRY MASH. THERE IS A PAUSE.]

HOLLY

If successful, the candles will—

[THE CANDLES ARE HEARD EXTINGUISHING.]

HOLLY

…blow out.

PHOEBE

[SLIGHTLY SICK] I think I got it all.

HOLLY

How do you feel? Is—has anything changed?

PHOEBE

I feel…I feel like there’s a part of me that was never there before. Like, my internal self expands farther out than my physical self, like I’m floating, it’s—I need to go lie down.

HOLLY

I’ll take you upstairs. It worked, though?

PHOEBE

I think it did. I mean, Grandma Doe said I would feel some sort of immediate change, but the rest of it would trickle in slowly. I feel different, though.

HOLLY

[SLOWLY, CAUTIOUS] Does this mean you’re not human anymore?

PHOEBE

[A BEAT.] I haven’t thought about that. I mean, I think I might just kind of be human plus? I’m not sure. Grandma Doe was still mortal, after all—she felt pain, she got ill—her mind was just super advanced. Does that make me inhuman?

HOLLY

I…I don’t think so. I think you just have mind powers or whatever.

PHOEBE

I’ll think about it later. I’m just going to try to get some sleep before the shop opens.

HOLLY

You don’t even have to open today, you know. People will understand if you just say you’re ill. Or I could run it for today, since there’s usually less traction on weekdays.

PHOEBE

[SINCERE] Thank you.

HOLLY

Of course.

PHOEBE

[SHE SIGHS.] Okay, time to—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[ANOTHER PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. IRENE’S HOUSE, MIDDAY.]

IRENE

I just got home from work. Apparently, Phoebe did that ritual early this morning. It went well, from what Holly told me, though Phoebe’s been taking the day off to rest.

Oh, and they also posted that advert on the bulletin board yesterday. You know, for someone to develop Valencia’s film.

That’s not important right now. You know what is important?

This morning, at work, I opened up a folder on my computer and guess what was in it? A new audio recording where there shouldn’t be one. Guess the technological gods have decided to be generous today.

I decided to wait until I got off to listen to it. It’s dated shortly after the incident, so I think it might be important.

Besides, work has been…well, different, since the Spread. I haven’t told Carol or Aden that’s what it’s called, though. The whole incident brought us closer together, but I think that’s a double-edged sword. They know me well enough, now, I think they can tell I’m hiding something. Aden definitely knows I am—I mean, what I told him was pretty cryptic, but Carol I think just…knows. She’s just like that. [SCOFF] Maybe that’s part of her motherly instincts.

Right, that’s beside the point. Back to the recording.

Here goes nothing.

[IRENE CLICKS ON THE FILE.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. DRIVING, LATE AT NIGHT.]

[THERE IS THE AMBIANCE OF DRIVING DOWN A DESOLATE FOREST ROAD AS THEY TALK.]

UNKNOWN GIRL

Does it work?

ROSE

I believe so.

UNKNOWN GIRL

[SHE SNORTS.] About as well as a cheap cell phone from Walmart could, I imagine?

ROSE

It just has to be able to record and make emergency calls. I’m not too worried about it. Thank you, again. Really, I owe you.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Hey, I didn’t buy it. I just walked into the store and handed your money to the guy behind the counter. It’s not a big deal.

[DULLY SKEPTICAL] You’re trying pretty hard to cover up your tracks, you know. Destroying your phone, not wanting to be seen in public to go get a new one, only paying in cash. Almost makes it sound like you’re a criminal or something.

ROSE

[FRANTIC] I’m not! I swear, I’m not.

UNKNOWN GIRL

No need to get defensive. Look, I get it. We all have reasons to want to disappear. I’m surely in no position to judge.

You know, I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I feel like we might actually have a lot in common.

ROSE

Why is that?

UNKNOWN GIRL

We both don’t know where we’re going, or why.

ROSE

[UNDER HER BREATH] Oh, I know why.

UNKNOWN GIRL

So you do have a reason?

ROSE

It’s not a big deal.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Your secret’s safe with me, you know.

ROSE

It’s nothing. Really. Just…do you have to know or—?

UNKNOWN GIRL

Well, do I have any reason to?

ROSE

No, but do you even have a reason to be helping me?

UNKNOWN GIRL

[DEADPAN] What can I say? I’m a generous soul.

[A BEAT.] Say, why did you want something to record with, anyways?

ROSE

I, um—it’s stupid.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Try me.

ROSE

It’s—well. I guess I don’t want to be forgotten? I want some way for people to find out what happened to me when…if…you know. There’s…if something does happen to me, there’s at least one person who deserves to know.

UNKNOWN GIRL

You think you’re going to get yourself killed?

ROSE

I don’t know. I suppose it’s better to be safe than sorry?

UNKNOWN GIRL

But you have someone you know will want to listen. [CONNECTING THE DOTS] You weren’t a loner before you left, were you? You left someone important behind, and now you feel bad. You owe them an explanation.

ROSE

[UNCOMFORTABLY] Yes. Right. I guess.

[A BEAT.] I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Who did you abandon?

ROSE

[RAISING HER VOICE SLIGHTLY] I said I’m done.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Alright, alright.

[A BEAT.] If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you prod at me a bit.

ROSE

[HESITANT] Where did you get your name? Wednesday is such a unique name, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it outside of stories.

WEDNESDAY [UNKNOWN GIRL]

It’s certainly no ‘Mary,’ is it?

ROSE

I mean, obviously. My name’s pretty basic.

WEDNESDAY

I actually chose it after I left home. Not like that, just never liked the name my parents gave me. Kept the last name ‘White,’ though. It has a ring to it.

ROSE

Was there a reason for it, or did it just sound nice?

WEDNESDAY

When people meet someone with a weird name, that tends to be the thing that most grabs their attention. “I met a girl named after a day of the week today, isn’t that bizarre?” I didn’t want to be remembered for anything I didn’t want people to see. If one thing was going to stick with them, it would be my name, but not quite the face that goes with it. Just the girl with an odd name.

ROSE

So you want to be forgotten?

WEDNESDAY

Not forgotten, but I want control over the memory of me. I want to fade away into obscurity, but not obscure enough that it’s suspicious.

ROSE

[KIND OF UNCOMFORTABLE] You’ve thought about this a lot.

WEDNESDAY

When you’re like me, you have to.

ROSE

Wh—what does that—

WEDNESDAY

[OVERLAPPING] Do you need me to stop at the gas station up ahead?

[THERE’S A SLIGHTLY TOO LONG PAUSE.]

ROSE

Um, yeah, I have to—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[INT. IRENE’S HOUSE, EARLY EVENING, THE SAME DAY.]

[THERE’S A LONG PAUSE.]

IRENE

[STILL PROCESSING IT AS SHE SPEAKS.] Okay. Okay! This is definitely a start. A great start, actually!

Okay, let’s see, uh—after you ran away, you destroyed your phone—no wonder the police couldn’t track it—and then you went with some person named Wednesday.

That’s definitely a start. If I can figure out where Wednesday—White, was it?—yeah, Wednesday White. I know Wednesday probably isn’t her legal name, but I might still be able to find her somewhere. If I can find Wednesday White, I might have a good shot at finding you. That’s great news!

[A SLIGHTLY TOO LONG PAUSE.]

IRENE

[HER ENTHUSIASM DYING] I don’t trust Wednesday, though.

[A BEAT.] Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be so skeptical. I mean, you’re not an idiot, Rose. You wouldn’t hitch hike with just any random stranger. Would you? Doesn’t even seem like you gave her your real name, she called you ‘Mary.’

[SHE HUFFS A SIGH.] Maybe I’m just being defensive. Still, she seemed off, didn’t she? That whole thing she said about her name just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. She prodded a lot, too. Almost as if she wanted to make you uncomfortable.

I could be reading into it too much. I guess I won’t know until I find her. Hopefully, she didn’t fade into obscurity too much. There’s gotta be some record of her existence online. If I’m lucky, she might be on social media or something. Who knows? Lots of time has passed.

[A PAUSE, THEN, SOFTLY] That person, you—were you recording for me? You wanted me to know you hadn’t abandoned me on purpose. [HURT] And here I was, thinking you would just leave without reason. That you had betrayed me in some way. I’m—Rose, I’m so sorry—

[JUST AS SHE SAYS “SORRY,” HER PHONE BEGINS VIBRATING. SHE PICKS IT UP.]

IRENE

[SKEPTICAL] There’s an unknown number calling me.

[SHE ANSWERS.]

IRENE

Hello?

CALLER

Hello? Is this the person who posted an ad outside of Open Eyes Bookstore?

IRENE

Oh! Um, yeah, that’s me. Wow, I didn’t expect to hear from someone so fast.

CALLER

I’m an observant person. I like to make my rounds throughout the town. You’ll never know what you’ll find, after all. Or who.

Anyways, you have some film that needs to be developed, right? Well, it just so happens to be your lucky day, because I have a dark room.

IRENE

That’s fantastic. I can pay you however much you want, just—

CALLER

[OVERLAPPING] Oh, that won’t be necessary. I’m studying photography, so the experience is payment enough. No worries!

IRENE

That’s very kind of you, thank you.

CALLER

Of course!

Oh, where are my manners? My name is Sadie. Sadie Creed. And you are…?

IRENE

Irene.

SADIE

Irene! How cute. Where do you want me to pick up your film?

IRENE

Um, I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but I would prefer to meet out in the open? Is that a problem?

SADIE

Not at all. How about Lemongrass Park?

IRENE

That’s actually perfect, yeah.

SADIE

Great! I’m happy to meet you tomorrow night at 8:00, if that time works for you? I know that’s a bit late, but I work at the candy shop until then.

IRENE

That should be fine, yeah.

SADIE

Looking forward to it! Pleasure doing business with you, Irene. Bye-bye!

[SADIE HANGS UP.]

IRENE

Huh. Well, I guess that solves that.

Time to go find Wednesday White.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today's quote is: A wave of grass engraves upon the stone: ‘There is more than one good way to drown.’

Sylvia Plath in "Epitaph in Three Parts," 1955.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

MICRO-COSMOS PROMOTIONAL AD [written by Jesse Smith]

[THERE ARE STATIC NOISES.]

ATHENA

This is Communications Athena Romero of OEC #0137-F recording from a… still, unknown location on the infant planet Ophiuchus-22. Though I have my… well, rational, doubts, something in me feels as though this transmission might actually be reaching someone. Might just be desperation, though. Most likely just desperation. Regardless. We would appreciate any and all OC representatives or employees, or individuals otherwise receiving this transmission, to please send a response. We have been recording mandatory and otherwise necessary emergency chronicling logs for days now. Please.

[WE HEAR MILES'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]

MILES

(distant) Athena, are you sending out another transmission? They’re not going to-

[C41 APPEARS WITH THEIR USUAL PING.]

C41

Shhh, let her do her thing, Miles. She needs to set her character up correctly for the new listeners that are hearing this promotional advertisement.

MILES

The new— what?

C41

What?

MILES

What are you talking about?

FELIX

I believe what Cal is doing is called “breaking the fourth wall,” my friend.

MILES

Breaking the what now?

C41

Oh, just forget about it.

[MILES GROANS; WE HEAR ALEX APPROACH.]

ALEX

What about a promotional advertisement?

ATHENA

Guys, could you… [SIGHS] I am trying to finish this log, so could you please give me a moment?

ALEX

Sorry, Starshine, I just got a little caught up in the whole “self-aware and breaking the fourth wall” thing.

ATHENA

It’s… fine.

C41

If I were you, Athena, I would close your log out by telling the listener to tune in to Micro-Cosmos: A Science Fiction Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts! The show is created by a crew of LGBTQ+ people, and features strange infant planets, brief romantic scenes before epic tragedy, cool sci-fi terminology, and adorably talented AI units, like myself!

ATHENA

Micro-?

C41

More information on the show can be found on its website: “microcospod.space”, OR its Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or TikTok, which all have the handle “@microcospod.”

MILES

… uh huh.

[THE CREW SITS IN SILENCE FOR A SECOND.]

C41

That’s just what I would say, though.

MILES

… Cal, we really need to figure out what is going on with this new phase of yours.

[homespork-review]

Homespork Act 4, Part 2: Flight of the Paradox Groans

BRIGHT: Remember Spades Slick being bizarrely aware he was in a comic, back in the Intermission? Buckle up, things are about to get even more fourth-wall-breaking. Appropriately, this starts by the comic focusing on an actual fourth wall, which activates to show...Andrew Hussie.

Hussie’s MS Paint avatar notices the audience watching him, laments that his side of the wall doesn’t have an off switch, and then recaps the first year of Homestuck.

Now, in all fairness: The recap is thorough, full of links, and explains things fairly well. It’s quite long, but given how much territory it has to cover I’m not sure it could be any shorter. So it does its job well, and it’s a boon if you’re getting lost with the plot.

As for the author insertion...on this occasion I don’t mind it. It comes across as tongue-in-cheek, but framed more as the author talking to the reader than as the author inserting himself into the narrative. It’s definitely very Homestuck.

Anyway, AH gets back to work, and after a couple of false starts we return to John!

John is still flying around with his jet pack. GC trolls him to offer him a world map of LOWAS and tell him she feels awful about killing him, although in literally the next line she tells him that technically he never even died so she doesn’t understand why he’s so upset. John understandably finds this disturbing. They have a brief nonsensical discussion about Jesus/Jegus, and then John agrees to go take a look at what’s on the other side of his Second Gate. Yes, on the advice of someone whose previous advice got him killed.

CHEL: Almost a shame we didn’t set up a Too Dumb To Live count, but then to be fair that was a separate timeline and he’s probably not thinking of it as something that “really” happened. This is supported by his later dialogue.

FAILURE ARTIST: The word Jegus is really popular in the Homestuck fandom, used far more often than it is in the canon. Gets quite annoying, in my opinion. Actually, a rather Jesus-like figure does appear, but he’s not called “Jegus”.

CHEL: Yeah, I think only Terezi, John, and Dave ever use the term, but it somehow became latched onto as an actual term used by trolls in general, even though in canon it isn’t.

BRIGHT: Fortunately, this time GC appears to be playing nice. John flies though the Second Gate and emerges...into LOLAR?

FAILURE ARTIST: Hussie does an amusing trick where he has what looks like a loading screen for a flash but it’s actually a still image eternally at 2%.

BRIGHT: Yes, it’s LOLAR. John promptly crashes into Rose’s house, smashing through a wall and into her bedroom, where Rose is still snoozing in her knitting pile. Apart from briefly being stuck upside down, he does not appear injured by this collision.

Rose has somehow slept through the commotion. John decides to let her rest and borrows her computer to talk to Dave.

The first one he talks to is actually Davesprite, who points out how moronic John was to listen to GC again. No arguments here! Then he explains how the Gate system works: Odd-numbered Gates, above players’ houses, lead to somewhere on their planets. Even-numbered Gates lead to other players’ planets, exiting over their houses. Normally they aren’t meant to go through even-numbered Gates until the houses are built up, so they don’t fall to their deaths, but fortunately John has a jetpack workaround. So far Davesprite is living up to his promise of being straightforward.

John realises he’s talking to Future Dave, and asks “do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second?”

...ouch, John.

Davesprite goes off on a tear, ranting that he is a real Dave — arguably the realest Dave, since he’s been running around LOHAC for months trying to get enough information to save everyone. John apologises sincerely.

CHEL: This won’t be the last we hear of this theme, though.

EB: i think i pissed off your future self. TG: what did you do EB: i said he wasn't the real dave. TG: ahahahahaha EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though! TG: pff TG: dont worry about it EB: why not? TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit TG: and hes me

BRIGHT: Not a hundred percent sure I believe Dave, there.

CHEL: Dave uses John to snoop around Rose’s room and get the captcha code for her journals. Classy, Dave. Not a SLAMMER point, however, as this does come back to bite him very soon.

Rose’s dreamself has awoken on Derse, the purple planet, and flies across to the opposite tower. Dave’s dreamself appears to be awake, sitting upright in his computer chair; the room is entirely an unsettling bloody red colour apart from the SBaHJ cartoons on the walls, and… oh shit, there’s Lil Cal again, now in a long purple nightdress and hopping around the room on his own. If Rose was having nightmares because of dreamself issues, I can only imagine how Dave’s nightmares must look. Rose throws a ball of yarn at Dave’s dreamself, alerting him, and causing the awake Dave to pass out.

Back in Rose’s room, it seems that Charles Barkley quote was not misattributed:

FAILURE ARTIST: Another SBaHJ reference in the book quote. Is that where Dave got it?

Still, I don’t recall this book ever coming up again. Just another item that seems like a Chekhov's Gun but isn’t.

CHEL: John feels guilty about opening his birthday gift from Rose, but reasons that it’s technically now his anyway, so he does, finding another bunny, this one black and filthy-looking except for the pristine knitted purple patches repairing it, though its shape is eerily familiar.

The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours. I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday.

Oh my gosh, awwwwww. Even if you don’t ship them romantically how can you not love their interactions? Definitely one of the comic’s strong points. Also I need to go hug my childhood teddy bear.

John puts the bunny back in the box again and the box in his sylladex, freeing Casey the salamander while he’s at it. And let’s just take a minute to feel utter horror because dead John still had Casey in his sylladex, so the best option is that she died too, and the worst is that we have an And I Must Scream situation on for a baby salamander. Gah.

FAILURE ARTIST: Thanks, I’d never thought of that and I never want to again.

You aren't actually sure if she is a girl though. You don't even know if salamanders can be girls. Aren't they hermaphrodites or something?

CHEL: No, for the record. Though some frogs can switch from one to the other.

FAILURE ARTIST: Casey is very popular as a name for an OC child of John (often having Rose as the mother).

CHEL: John answers Rose’s Pesterchum, upon which GA is half-heartedly sending antagonistic messages. John answers on Rose’s account, saying that Rose is asleep, which GA takes for Human Sarcasm, prompting John to pretend to be Rose.

GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. TT: you look kind of like... TT: howie mandel from little monsters.

Wait, how does he know? Am I forgetting a point at which he saw them?

BRIGHT: I always assumed that he was just goofing around and his guess happened to land in the right ballpark, but thinking about it, I’m not sure the kids ever express surprise at the trolls’ appearance.

CHEL: John, pretending to be Rose, talks about how awesome John is.

GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is

CHEL: Both. Both is good!

FAILURE ARTIST: Knowing what we do of troll culture later this is an odd statement. Heck, it’s just an odd statement. Maybe this is why people think trolls don’t do friendship.

CHEL: John apparently confuses GA by saying it’s because Rose is thoughtful and John appreciates his gift, and suggests GA talk to John.

TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable?

GA sounds very annoyed, and leaves, intending to have the conversation with John that she had previously. We see her, GC, and the horns of AT and an unknown troll in the grey room, now revealed to be a computer laboratory. For some reason she chats via Pesterchum with another troll instead of just walking over to talk to them. This new troll is twinArmageddons, an appropriate name for the circumstances, who type2 iin yellow text liike thii2; he is, as it turns out, the hacker guy GC mentioned earlier. TA is busy setting up the network and seems irritable in general, and is not willing to help GA work her viewport.

TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2. TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever. TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit.

Nice callback, but trolls, as we’ll later find out, don’t have presidents.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 14

GA wonders why TA doesn’t want to talk to her, and TA complains that he knew in advance the trolls were doomed and no one believed him. He refuses to troll the humans himself but is setting up the system so the others can in order to get them to leave him alone. GA asks again for help, to no avail.

TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2. TA: kiind of liike wiith regii2tered 2ex offender2 and 2chool2. TA: iif you move two a new town you have two go up two your neiighbor2 door and warn them about how 2tupiid you are. TA: and giive them a chance two hiide all theiir iinnocent technology. TA: and vandaliize your hou2e.

Ooh, a threefer plus one! Tacky simile for the Problematykks. As for WSP, we’ll later find out that 1) trolls kill all their criminals, 2) trolls don’t give a shit about the welfare of their children, and 3) trolls don’t appear to actually go to school. These two counts are neck and neck in the lead now!

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 17 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 17

BRIGHT: As with much of Homestuck, the trolls give the impression of being made up as Hussie went along. That’s not entirely a bad thing -- it certainly makes the comic pretty unique -- but it does lead to some out-of-place slip-ups.

Anyway, GA chucks her F1 key at TA’s head and then starts poking him. We also see CG in the lab.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think I recall GA/TA were a popular ship before we learned more about GA. It does seem like they have a Rose & Dave dynamic going on.

BRIGHT: Back on Derse, Rose and Dave have a dance party to Dave’s music while accompanied by some crows and Lil Cal, who keeps teleporting around the room. Rose eventually gets tired of Cal’s shenanigans and hurls him out of the window, to the relief of many.

FAILURE ARTIST: The flash originally included music by Bill Bolin. In fact, it was his unfinished music being included here that caused all the drama in the first place.

BRIGHT: Time for some random interludes! First up is Maplehoof the pony, who is following Rose’s mother through a large cave which, judging by the grist lying around, recently contained very dangerous monsters.

FAILURE ARTIST: Apparently pets can collect grist for their masters...and know what grist is despite being a normal(?) animal.

BRIGHT: First Mom, and then Maplehoof, stand on a transportaliser platform and disappear. Second is Dad, who has just acquired a replacement shoe and hat (which showed up in the walkaround game, way back at the beginning of the Act), when he encounters a familiar-looking stranger with a Colonel Sassacre book, who leads him to another transportalizer platform. Both of these interludes do become relevant later, but at the time they seem a tad unnecessary.

Meanwhile, John uses Rose’s alchemiter and a code Davesprite gave him mid-rant to produce a truly epic hammer called FEAR NO ANVIL. It’s far too big for John to wield, but fortunately he can use the scaling upgrade on the alchemiter to reduce it to a more useable size. ...wait. When did Rose’s alchemiter get a scaling upgrade? Dave and Jade added a lot of modifications to his, but Rose’s should be the original edition. Sigh.

EB: so what is this? EB: the thing the code made... TG: really powerful hammer EB: how do you know? EB: i thought you couldn't use hammers. TG: i cant TG: better be though TG: got it from hephaestus EB: who's that? TG: really tough to kill dude EB: you killed him for it? TG: nope EB: how'd you get it then? TG: shenanigans EB: ok.

...and we’re back to sprite evasiveness. Davesprite is being less than forthcoming here, although it’s less obvious than with Nannasprite because it superficially imitates John and Dave’s bantering.

CHEL: Now, this would be a good way of keeping us interested if we were eventually going to see how he did it, and also they have a time limit, so not going off into a long anecdote would be understandable. However, we’ll see how his evasiveness level proceeds in the future.

BRIGHT: Dream Rose and Dave see John using Rose’s alchemiter on Dream Dave’s computer. Rose wakes up.

FAILURE ARTIST: It is interesting how early Homestuck avoided having characters have face-to-face conversations. Would have been unique if it kept up throughout the entire comic.

BRIGHT: Back in the meteor, GA hassles TA into opening the viewport on her computer. This turns out to be as simple as clicking on the point in Rose’s timeline that she wants to see. No wonder TA was frustrated!

Of course, by this point, the only one left in the room is Rose, now awake, and the young salamander. Rose hurries to catch up with John, but he blasts off to explore before she can reach him, taking her mutated kitten with him.

CHEL: John renames Vodka Mutini to Dr Meowgon Spengler, and Rose renames Casey to Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer. Interesting link to the themes of identities which are starting to crop up, though it’s not really a direct analogue. The animals are the same animals with different names; the alternate timeline characters have the same names and superficially the same identities, but are they really the same people after their new experiences?

BRIGHT: Back on Derse, Lil Cal inexplicably lands on a stray rocket board, catching the attention of AR.

You're not sure which laws are being broken, but it is probably a lot.

AR follows Cal to yet another transportaliser, and they both dematerialise.

We jump back to John, who spies a boat on one of the islands dotting LOLAR and lands to investigate. He follows hoofprints in the sand into a subterranean hallway filled with monsters. Fortunately his new hammer has time powers, which stun the monsters long enough for John to kill them. Further on, he finds the transportaliser Mom used. John, naturally, stands on it, and is transported to a meteor in the Veil.

Actually, it’s not just a meteor; it’s one of the laboratories where the Skaian troops are produced. John, along with the cat and Maplehoof, finds a bunch of chess guys being grown in glass jars on a giant podium. Most of them are the standard carapaces we’re familiar with, but there are also a few larger pieces, apparently based on knights and rooks. He also finds a JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGIST’S LAB SUIT, and another of those strange house-shaped sets of monitors.

On Prospit, PM is preparing to board a shuttle to Skaia when a COURTYARD DROLL sneaks up behind her. Unaccountably, she fails to notice him, despite the fact that he’s wearing a hat larger than he is. CD successfully pickpockets the White Queen’s ring, and PM departs for Skaia, none the wiser.

CD radios the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY to report mission success, and is told that he doesn’t need to keep wearing his ridiculous outfit, per orders from Jack Noir, who is now going by the SOVEREIGN SLAYER. CD says he’d rather keep wearing the outfit. Apart from the sword-through-the-chest part, it is a very nice outfit, so I’m with CD on this one.

Catastrophe is averted by Jade delivering a flying kick to CD’s head and following up with a very efficient smackdown. Her robot body replicates this back on Earth, beating the stuffing out of her mummified grandfather. Jade retrieves the ring, and puts it on her fingers to remind herself to give it back to PM later. Unfortunately, this doesn’t cause Jade to sprout wings and tentacles. Seems the rings don’t work on humans like that.

Meanwhile, in a Timeless Expanse, a WARWEARY VILLEIN is getting tired of the battle between Derse and Prospit. The next animation is called “WV?: Rise Up” and it’s one of my favorites! When I first read Homestuck I had to watch it a few times before I understood what was going on, but it is a very neat video.

Watch on YouTube

The Battlefield has been prototyped three times, and is now spherical. The forces of Derse and Prospit meet. The usual carapaces with swords are backed up by larger pieces -- some of them very strange -- and by battleships clashing in the sky. In the chaos, WV, who is farming peacefully on Skaia, has his home and farm burned down. He raises a flag and addresses the troops of both armies. Elsewhere, Jack Noir appears, flying over the Battlefield in search of the Black King.

WV rallies the armies and tells them that their real enemies are the monarchs, who are responsible for the war. Encouraged, the Dersite and Prospitan troops band together and march on the Black King.

Meanwhile, PM has reached the White King and discovers that she no longer has the White Queen’s ring. The White King listens to her and hands over his scepter, which seems to represent Skaia and serves a similar function to the Queens’ rings. Behind a nearby hill, the Hegemonic Brute radios somebody to report the transfer.

As WV and the united armies reach the Black King, Jack arrives and slices the Black King’s scepter in half, nullifying its powers and turning the Black King back into a normal carapace. PM is attacked by HB, who knocks the White King’s scepter out of her hand; it falls down a waterfall. Jack Noir beheads the Black King and turns to WV, and the animation ends.

...okay, much as I love it, I have to admit there’s a glaring question here: Namely, the kids started playing the Game less than a day ago and Dave’s kernelsprite has been prototyped for a few hours max. The second prototyping made the Battlefield more complex and the third took it into its current form. That’s a very short time to instigate a cross-faction revolution, organise the troops, and march on a monarch. For that matter, how long has WV been a farmer? The inhabitants of Derse and Prospit have obviously been doing their thing all the kids’ lives, but the Battlefield was supposedly a static, rudimentary space until John entered the Medium, so what gives?

Then again, the timeline in the Medium is supposed to be distinct from the timeline on Earth, so maybe that explains it?

CHEL: An interesting point is also raised by WV’s revolution. Namely, Derse is presented as a kingdom of darkness and evil by the game, while Prospit is presented as good. However, while PM is good, WV and AR are demonstrably not bad people either. In this animation, we see carapaces of both sides apparently don’t want to be involved in the war and are willing to rise up against the Black King. The rank-and-file carapaces on both sides, it seems, are decent people who are just following orders. (Not to mention very cute.) Jack Noir and his gang are nasty pieces of work, except CD who’s also just kind of going along with it, but there’s nothing saying white carapaces couldn’t also be… And is that a Problematykks point, presenting the black-coloured people as bad and the white-coloured ones as good? I know they’re chess pieces, but still.

This raises the question, however, what’s Derse’s motive? Are its rulers and archagents simply destroying for the evulz? I wonder. I also wonder how much Skaia itself is involved in this and how aware it is. Skaia is called the crucible of creation, and it’s responsible for the creation of the carapaces too. References are made to it “seeing” and “knowing”; it’s quite possibly sentient, though maybe not sapient. On top of that, SBurb is specifically a game, and a game needs an objective, and an adventure-type game needs enemies. Derse, it seems likely, was created and presented the way it is in order to give the players something to battle against even if its people don’t want to be their enemies. No wonder WV’s pissed!

BRIGHT: Yup. Hmm, thinking about it...the imps and other enemies we saw attacking John’s house early on were obviously Dersite, but the ones we’ve seen in Rose’s seem to be Prospitian, if anything? The colour scheme looks that way, at least. But Nanna said earlier that Derse was the enemy, nothing about Prospit.

Perhaps it has something to do with Rose being a Derse dreamer, while John is a Prospit dreamer? But in that case I’d have expected it to come up in the text. Instead it just goes unremarked.

Rose goes on a massive alchemising spree and ends up creating the Thorns of Oglogoth, a pair of wands.

The needles seem to shiver with the dark desires of THE DEEP ONE. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the FURTHEST RING and forget they ever existed.

Instead of throwing the wands away, Rose takes on the enemies camping all over her house, with style.

Meanwhile, Dave goes on another, less visibly productive alchemising spree.

GET ON WITH IT!: 18

FAILURE ARTIST: The SBaHJifier could be considered productive in that it provides foreshadowing cartoons. Wish Dave’s Brain in a Jar came up again.

BRIGHT: Once he’s done creating smuppet variations to disturb the monsters encroaching on his house, he sits down to take a look at those two journals he copied from Rose earlier. One of them is called ‘MEOW’, and is literally just those same four letters, repeated over and over in different orders. The second is ‘Complacency of the Learned’.

There is no way to adequately recap the beauty of ‘Complacency of the Learned’, so we’re just going to show the whole thing:

Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock. A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion. Behavior to petition contempt among the reasonable. He was however not surrounded by the reasonable, but the wise, a distinction in men that would forever be the difference in history's garland of treasured follies. As a matter of fact, his cadre of fellow wizards were all putting similar moves on their beards as well. The practice would evince thoughtfulness - sagacity, even - if they didn't do it all the time. Standing in line at the bank. Shooing squirrels from bird feeders. Few occasions were safe. Zazzerpan inspected the clue. A single piece of evidence cradled in his coriaceous old man palms. It was a human bone, not striking in the tale it told alone so much as that told by the thousands like it festooning the marshy soil of the mass grave. The grisly expanse bore the texture of a decadent dessert, like one of Smarny's formidable custard trifles wobbled out on wheels for the holidays, to the dismay of a small nation. "You're certain of this?" asked Frigglish. Despite what he was doing with his beard, he was, in fact, immersed in meaningful contemplation. "I am afraid I am becoming more so with each terrible tick groused by that gaudy timepiece slung around your neck." In case it wasn't clear, Frigglish wore a clock Zazzerpan didn't care for. It was magic. "The massacre of Syrs Gnelph was not as written." "What has you convinced it was the hand of our disciples in this blackness?" Executus chimed in. "I believe... I..." a fat face stammered, eyes darting with the guilt of a thief in the throes of an unraveling alibi. "I can summon a... more pressing line of inquiry..." No, Smarny. Nobody was in the mood for a sticky bundt loaf just now. Zazzerpan's ears fell insubstantial to any line of inquiry, pastry-oriented or otherwise. His abstruse contour carved a pondering shape in the fog carpeting centuries-dead. His eleven contemporaries too embraced the muted consternation of their great Predicant Scholar. Few wizards kept sharper adumbratives or read them with such lucidity. When Zazzerpan treated men with silence it was seldom unrepaid by the wise and reasonable alike. It was harrowing to entertain. Zazzerpan the Learned's storied Complacency of Wizards was marked for grander descendence. Disciples hand-picked, vetted by Ockite the Bonafide and tested by Gastrell the Munificent. The twelve sweetest, most studious children a pair of elderly eyes could give their sparkle. Not the ragged guttersnipe so oft-harvested by the common Obscenity, those vituperative little beggars with hearts to corrupt as dropped bananas brown. That these chosen youngsters would turn was not merely unthinkable, but something of a roundhouse to the temporal bones of the Upper Indifference's high chamber of Softskulled Prophets. His wisdom-savaged brow pruned further with recount of his many lessons to wouldbe successors. Lessons to advance humanity's elucidation and prosperity, an outcome this bleak trail now painfully obviated. There were few puzzles The Learned could not suspend and dissect in the recondite manifold beneath his extremely expensive pointy hat. Daring to pitch his cherished pupils in with the foul melange of history's rogues, the heretofore abstract scourge that built up civilizations with ungodly magic and tore them down with joyful malice, would prove an intellectual trespass to make his calcium-deficient bones quake. And more daring yet was the only question that now mattered. Could a bunch of bearded, scraggly old men in preposterous outfits hunt them down? He didn't have an answer. Only a simple observation so blunt and uncharacteristically jejune for the lauded sage it was breathtaking in its selfevidency. "We're going to need more wands." (Wow. Think of something better.)

Wow.

Dave is understandably intimidated by this, and decides to stop reading for now. He puts his copy of the SBURB Beta in the notebook to act as a bookmark, and leaves both books in his room for later.

Then he checks in on Rose, who is burning her version of the MEOW book.

CHEL: Dave inquires about the wizard story.

TG: i thought you hated wizards TG: whats the deal with that TT: I like wizards. TT: What I don't like is my mother's obsession with feigning interest in them to antagonize me. TG: oh man thats so messed up TG: that you think that TG: she probably digs wizards for real just like you and youre blowing shit out of proportion like pretty much always

Once again, we see exactly how fucked-up Rose’s relationship with her mother is. Mom Lalonde has somehow managed to raise a child in such a way that Rose interprets everything her mother does as an attempt to mock and provoke her.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 16

TIER: The Lalondes are pretty damn dysfunctional as a family unit, and considering the zany nature of early Homestuck and its world's weird logic that is saying something indeed.

CHEL: As for the MEOW book, it turns out the gods from the Furthest Ring informed Rose while she was sleeping that the book’s contents are highly dangerous and must be destroyed. Said gods dwell in the sky above Derse; Dave’s never heard or seen them, but Rose points out his dreamself is always wearing shades, listening to music, and distracted by Cal.

TT: You're the prince of the moon. TG: ........ TT: I'm sure they've been meaning to seek a royal audience. TG: ..........................

Davesprite chats to Rose next. She protests at being spied on by two people, but Davesprite asks her why she burned the codebook. She didn’t need to in the future, but according to her future memories of the gods absorbed from her future dreamself, Davesprite appeared to make it relevant by traveling to the past. A sinister and familiar face watches through Dave’s window, soon proving to be the Draconian Dignitary, while Dave and Davesprite awkwardly spout elaborate mixed metaphors about how safe they are, until Dave, embarrassed, says "so i guess ill go back down and burn that book".

As any savvy reader could guess, he’s too late. The prompt suggests that he should go back in time to stop the books from being stolen, but, well...

It looks like you already tried that. GORE GALORE: 10

Dave looks completely undisturbed, but whether he is undisturbed is a different matter. He flings the corpse out the window into the lava, claiming it would freak Jade out.

John, in the lab, presses a button, causing the first monitor to depict his town, shortly before his birth. There is a Betty Crocker factory and a shopping mall, neither of which are in the town now. Zooming in locks a target over Nanna Egbert, who is taking a stroll with Dad. A meteor looms; this looks like it’s going to go very badly, considering the target lock, but it hits the factory instead. When John presses the glowing blue button, a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of Nanna is created; refer back to Rose’s experimentation in the lab and the green slime blobs. This time, the slime is sucked into a tube.

The next monitor does something similar with Grandpa Harley on his ship, and the next the same with Bro Strider, who stands over a meteor crater on an unseasonably warm day; something of an understatement, as the sky is the same lurid red and the sun the same glowing spiral that they were during the Strider bros’ battle even though it’s December. Bro is, regardless, prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome shades. What he needs these for will soon be revealed.

The fourth monitor goes back to John’s home town, a gigantic crater where the factory once was. In the shopping mall, Dad Egbert stands outside a joke shop, while Nanna apparently remains inside, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty unabridged joke book.

Mom Lalonde, clutching the infant Rose and wearing a rather snazzy long Jaspersprite-pink scarf, has come to town to study the meteor impact at the request of Grandpa Harley while he explores elsewhere. Unfortunately, now is the time a meteor chooses to strike Nanna’s location, destroying the shop.

An old mother lost today, but a new son gained.

Wait for it.

Mom Lalonde flees, dropping her scarf, which Dad Egbert picks up and slightly creepily sniffs. The monitor continues tracking her, and John captures her paradox imprint too, starting the machines whirring away...

Four babies abruptly appear on the pad, already diapered and bespectacled and old enough to sit up unaided. Convenient, no?

When the kitten jumps on a green button, the slime is blended in pairs; Nanna’s and Grandpa’s, and Mom’s and Bro’s. More blinking lights ensue, and another four extremely familiar-looking babies appear.

BRIGHT: I will say this: These kids are adorable.

While babies clamber over him, John vaults up his echeladder to the rank of Ectobiolobabysitter, acquiring one million Boondollars in the process. This automatically converts itself to a Boonbuck, the weight of which smashes his Porkhollow.

Finding out just what is going on here will have to wait, as the comic takes a brief detour to a battleship navigating the Medium nearby. There’s someone very familiar at the wheel…

An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace.

Also aboard the ship are Dad Egbert and Mom Lalonde. Dad returns Mom’s scarf, and the two of them hold hands as Grandpa Harley pilots the ship towards Skaia.

We return to the lab, where John has his hands full with the babies. One of them has managed to break one of the paradox slime jars from earlier, but appears uninjured. Also, CG’s trolling him again.

CHEL: CG makes mention of the ULTIMATE RIDDLE, but John is confused because CG hasn’t told him about that yet. He uses an ableist description in explaining.

CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER. CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT. CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE. CG: AND NOW I GUESS I'VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE. CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS. CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 18

… why wouldn’t you just hop right back to the start and work in a linear fashion from there?

TIER: Because CG excels at making things complicated for himself and is fundamentally rather stubborn and set in his ways/actions. Like he's made his bed, he's gonna lie in it.

CHEL: Anyway, CG banters with John for a bit, and then informs him that he (John) has arrived in the Veil and created infant versions of the players and their guardians.

EB: so they are like cloned copies of us? CG: NO. CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS. CG: PARADOX CLONES.

A paradox clone, we are informed, is A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED. The game worlds contain many clues hinting at the ultimate destiny of the players to create their own selves through the game, and the only way things could possibly go involved the players creating themselves, or else the game session would never happen.

CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE. CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Tragic and completely unnecessary, when there are millions of perfectly good humans already in existence who could just as easily create winning game sessions without this aspect of it. Here we see another aspect of Homestuck which hasn’t come up quite so clearly before; an extremely weird take on determinism. I’m not sure if this is meant as a parody of Chosen One plotlines or if Hussie just thought it sounded cool, but it’s uncomfortable. As it turns out, only clones created by SBurb have a hope in hell of winning the game, and even they fail most of the time. Regular people who enter the game to save themselves from the destruction of the planet will fail and die there, which honestly is not really selling this game as a good thing, since it’s what causes the destruction of the planet in the first place. I’ve had actual, legitimate, honest-to-God nightmares about this aspect of SBurb, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think many fans wish to play SBurb. There’s lots of fan sessions and fake GameFAQs and custom Lands. Yet in reality SBurb is not a fun time. This is cosmic horror. I think Hussie is sometimes playing it for horror and sometimes he ignores the implications.

Then again, some people want to live on the troll planet, which is straight-up dystopia.

CHEL: Again, it isn’t really clear what he’s going for. Is it supposed to be terrifying or did he just think it would be clever? Does even Hussie know what he was going for? While it’s not exactly a joke, I think it’s worth another point here:

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 17

It might be a joke. As I said, I could see it as a parody of or playing with the Chosen One narrative. In this case, literally only the chosen ones have any hope, for reasons that are not down to any merit of their own. But if it is, there isn’t really much made of it.

Of course, the reasons people want to live on the troll planet are reasonable when taken alone, but a) contradicted every alternate scene and b) not a fair trade for everything else that’s going on there. But we’ll get to that when we actually see it. And I admit, SBurb powers would be fun, but not worth the loss of my entire species.

TIER: To me at least it's fun in the same way wondering how I'd fare as a wizard during Harry Potter's years at Hogwarts, or a ninja in Naruto is. Fundamentally you'd rather want to never encounter this sorta stuff even if you get some swanky I guess powers, but the mental exercise of it is quite honestly, really fun. The game has quite a lot of interesting things to poke around with, from lands to quests to what your co-players are up to. And I'm def guilty of playing trollsona games, because the world presented is just really fascinating in its gruesome glory.

Never want to have to actually go through it, Lord knows I'd be dead within the first ten minutes if I'm super lucky, but stories about it are pretty neat.

CHEL: That’s true, but the paradox clones thing seems almost to be taunting us for having that mentality. We can pretend we’d be the super-smart strong competent ones who make it, but in this universe if we demonstrably have parents we’re doomed to die for nothing and there’s nothing we can do about it.

BRIGHT: Another fun thing about this is that it fundamentally isolates the players from the rest of humanity. If you think about it, unless they have children with a non-player, they are completely unrelated to anyone else on Earth.

CHEL: And they can’t have kids with a non-player unless something thoroughly horrible happened, because as is stated later SBurb specifically takes its players away and destroys their planet around the point of their puberty.

BRIGHT: Although I think John is actually related to Dad — as far as we’re told, Dad is in fact Nanna’s biological son, which makes him genetically John’s half-brother.

They also miss out on (going by how active the babies are) the first couple of years of life. Those two years are crucial in terms of brain development. SBURB probably controls for that, but it wouldn’t be surprising if there were negative consequences.

Oh, and if you’re a player, your existence means your civilisation is doomed. Lovely!

CHEL: And do the players ever feel any guilt or conflict over this? Do they hell. It doesn’t even occur to them, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t occur to Hussie either.

TIER: Welcome to the hell game that is SBURB; it's fundamentally pretty fucked up! It runs on a hellish scale of "things have already been predetermined" and I am Big Fear™.

CHEL: That’ll come up later, too, but there it’s obviously intentional nightmare fuel, and not at all a bad use of time travel as a story device.

CG, meanwhile, explains that he was the one to create his session’s players. With twelve of them it was a bit more complicated, but troll lineages are complicated anyway, and we’ll find out how later.

The babies are still getting all over the lab. Note that they're repeatedly referred to as "little pink monkeys". Then again, calling a non-white child a monkey really wouldn't be good.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 18

John’s infant self has latched onto the Sassacre book, while his infant Nanna is sitting in Dad Egbert’s old hat. Baby Bro is napping in the lap of Lil Cal; that baby’s braver than I am, I can tell you that. Baby Dave is sitting on Maplehoof, and baby Grandpa has found a pair of pistols. John does not take them away from him, or even seem to notice he has them.

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 7

BRIGHT: Earlier baby Bro broke one of the paradox slime cylinders and was sitting in it. John is pretty astoundingly bad at keeping babies away from obvious hazards.

TIER: That or the equipment is probably not sturdy enough to make it past an inspection into faulty management.

CHEL: But then he’s distracted by CG trolling him again, at least this time moving forward in time from the last conversation.

CG, like GA, apparently fails to grasp sarcasm...

EB: we had this great dare going. EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative. EB: and you totally lost, dude! EB: you were hella helpful. CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE. [...] CG: ANYWAY, HOW COULD WE HAVE MADE A DARE IF I'M MOVING BACKWARDS ON YOUR TIMELINE.

… which is weird because moments later he uses it himself.

EB: do you even have elves? CG: YES, LET'S COMPARE WHICH FANTASY CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST WE BOTH DO OR DON'T NOT HAVE. CG: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, JOHN!

Hussie seems to waver back and forth a lot on whether trolls get sarcasm or not, in general. Since he’s contradicting himself with troll worldbuilding, that’s a point.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 19

Banter aside, he informs John that the babies are sent to Earth via meteors during the Reckoning.

BRIGHT: How do they survive the impact? Some of those meteor strikes destroy buildings. Those are some ridiculously resilient kids.

CHEL: Cut to AR, who is still having fun on the rocketboard, until he runs into a frog temple atop a meteor. This is apparently horrifying and illegal by his standards.

You are going to throw whoever is responsible into the slammer. You always call jail the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes.

Inside, he finds an empty time capsule, like Jade’s, some complicated machinery, and a monitor screen showing a greyscale house with a very familiar bespectacled female infant and dirty old hat in it. The year depicted, says the monitor, is 1910. Enter none other than Colonel Sassacre himself.

Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. He recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery once stood, operated by the man's wife, a notable baked goods baroness.

An explosion outside leads them both to a crater, where once stood the doghouse of the colonel’s pet, Halley, but before the Colonel can investigate further he’s shot through the heart.

This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.

BRIGHT: I remain baffled as to how Baby Grandpa can even lift those things, let alone pull the triggers.

CHEL: Baby Grandpa crawls from the crater, and Halley the dog turns out to be alive.

The young boy has difficulty pronouncing the name though. Sounds more like "Harley" when he says it.

How does he know it? The colonel died before he even noticed the baby was there. Is baby Nanna speaking well enough to tell him yet? I guess he could be told later, as Sassacre wasn’t in fact their only sapient guardian...

Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure. He and his guardian bid farewell. His sister is sad. She will be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness. She can handle it, he tells her. He believes in her.

It isn’t clear why she didn’t go with him, or leave under her own power. They don’t seem to be imprisoned, as the panel depicts them outside on grass with no restraints or guards over them, so it’s not a matter of only one of them being able to get out. That’s a point for Nanna not trying and a point for Grandpa not bringing her:

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 9

That dog is also remarkably lively, considering it, unlike Bec, is an entirely normal dog, it was an adult thirteen years previously, and it’s somehow supporting the weight of an entire teenager on its back (again, please don’t try this at home, you can break the dog’s spine that way).

FAILURE ARTIST: As we’ve said, Colonel Sassacre is a thinly-veiled Mark Twain expy. The real Mark Twain died in 1910 at the same time Halley’s Comet was in the sky. It’s a cute historical gag having him be literally killed by a comet but it does muck up the timeline. Nanna must have been a senior citizen when Dad was born. Perhaps he’s adopted?

CHEL: The other option is that Dad is a senior citizen now, but surely John would have wondered why his dad is so ridiculously old. I think it’s just that thing in mainstream comics and cartoons where adults are split into Old and Not Old, and the parents are normal ages for parents but the grandparents would have to be in their hundreds going by the gags. See how Scrooge McDuck in the DuckTales reboot is over a hundred and forty years old yet his sister’s son is still a youngish adult.

AR notes that the appearifier is centred over Halley the dog, but hears someone coming. It proves to be the Draconian Dignitary. AR hides and watches, noting that DD is carrying Rose’s notebooks and Dave’s beta envelopes. DD keeps the MEOW book, but throws away the other items. Complacency of the Learned lands on the floor, and the envelopes land in the time capsule, which sets to bloom in four hundred and thirteen million years.

Meanwhile, John talks to CG while infant Mom Lalonde pets the mutant kitten. John asks if there’s any way to delay the Reckoning, but nope; CG warns him that the smallest meteors will start going in only a few minutes.

EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why! EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly? CG: JACK NOIR.

The Jack Noir from the trolls’ game session allied with them and helped them dethrone and exile the Black Queen, while the one from the humans’ session, as you may recall, killed the Black Monarchs and gained their powers, and is currently rampaging through the Incipisphere. John asks if it’s the same Jack Noir, but CG explains.

CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING… EB: like an ace? CG: SURE OK.

The trolls don’t know what went so differently to cause the two Jacks to behave so differently, but CG doesn’t think it matters by now. John interrupts him, deciding to do yet another Con Air ending re-enactment.

Watch on YouTube

Recap: montage of Con Air posters and images to the tune of “How Do I Live Without You”. John hands the thoroughly disgusting Con Air bunny to the protesting baby Rose, while CG watches huffily on his monitor. Jade demands a toy too, so John hands her the bunny he received from Rose in an excessively dramatic fashion. CG frustratedly hits himself in the head. In scribbly crayon-like drawings, Casey the salamander performs a drum solo with glowing blue mushrooms for drums and the Con Air plane crashes. More Con Air imagery, John embraces baby Jade and the baby Lalondes while sobbing; GC points and laughs at him over CG’s shoulder and they have a slapfight. John imagines himself in Nic Cage’s iconic wifebeater and mullet and performs an air guitar solo.

TIER: Lemme tell ya, as someone who's only experience with this darn movie is whatever pops up courtesy of John this sequence is just a trip and a half. Possibly a higher number.

CHEL: Cut to end-of-act curtains; they open on the next page, declaring a PSYCHE; there are more pages to go.

Cut to Dave’s hands, covered in the dead Dave’s blood. I… guess he’s supposed to be staring at them in shock? It’s impossible to tell through his shades. For all I know he could be worried about the cleanup. GC trolls him and they banter creepily, with her demanding to know what his blood smells like and him taunting her about her blindness.

TG: just him and me TG: havin a see party TG: like a couple of eagle eyed bros peepin shit up into the wee hours GC: D4V3 GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY? TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS? TG: yeah thats fine

Neither of them seems to take it particularly hard. If there was narrative around the dialogue, I think we’d get a better grasp of how Dave feels. Lacking much body language or punctuation, tone is a bit tricky to get.

FAILURE ARTIST: There’s a character later who gets a lot of grief for insulting her blindness but reading what John, Dave, and CG say I don’t know how that character could be worse.

CHEL: AT, meanwhile, is trolling Jade, rather politely. He even takes time to ask if she’s having a good nap. She’s worried about John’s dreamself not waking, and AT scrolls into his view of the future timeline, but can’t find John awake, nor see into his dreams. Jade, however, will wake up soon, and she thanks him for this report. Unfortunately, when Jade wakes up she will be in danger, and AT can’t see any further. He tells her CG wants to talk to her about her exploding robot. He can’t see whether it exploded or not because there are a lot of explosions, but asking future Jade shows it did, and that she declared CG to be a pretty nice guy, which surprises AT since he doesn’t think CG is particularly nice. Jade says she thinks AT is nice too, and asks why he’s the only one who talks to her while she’s asleep.

AT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROBOT, tO LET YOU SAY THINGS THAT HAPPEN, oN PROSPIT, AT: aND i'M CURIOUS, AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP, AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD, AT: }:'(

AT happily remembers his own time on Prospit, and we cut back to Rose, being trolled by GA despite the fact that Rose is obviously in the middle of an epic magic battle. The conversation is understandably chilly, and GA still hasn’t figured out that “Dumb Rose” as opposed to “Smart Rose” was John rather than a bizarre roleplaying scenario.

GC continues trolling Dave. He asks her how she operates a computer without sight.

GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY TG: oh ok TG: so the dumbest and most far fetched explanation imaginable ok got it

Yes, pretty much. This brings me to a Problematykks point; GC is supposed to be blind, but it really doesn’t seem to affect her in any way at all. Its workaround is ridiculously convenient and effective, and while I’m not blind myself, I know many people with physical disabilities hate it when fiction does this. I know I would be pissed off if a piece of fiction showed an easy and convenient way to not have autism anymore. (Horrible, horrible memories of someone back in the days of Livejournal’s Fanficrants of a fic in which autism was somehow cured by having a foursome. I don’t remember how that was supposed to work.) “She’s a space alien” only goes so far in explaining it. Why even bother making her blind if it’s not going to affect her in any way?

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 19

FAILURE ARTIST: She’s the least blind blind person in media. Characters like Daredevil from Marvel Comics and Toph from Avatar the Last Airbender have a Disability Superpower but at the end of the day they still can’t do things like read printed text. GC has no disadvantages.

BRIGHT: She can apparently smell and taste photons.

Which raises the question why none of the other trolls ever show a heightened sense of smell or taste. If GC can learn to interpret smells as colours, her sense of smell must have been that strong all along, and there’s no indication in the text that she’s biologically more sensitive than her companions. Trolls must be better at following a trail than bloodhounds.

CHEL: Synaesthesia which makes one strongly associate colours with smells is a thing, and synaesthesia is generally the word the fandom uses to explain Terezi’s ability, but you still have to actually see the colours for that to work. If she was only mostly blind and was picking up blurry colour patches, I could buy it (and that is how the fandom tends to do it with human AUs), but not if she’s supposed to be completely blind, and she still wouldn’t be able to read text that way.

BRIGHT: Time for another animation, and for a hop back into the recent past.

Watch on YouTube

As the meteor locked onto Dave’s house approaches, Dave climbs up the tower to retrieve his cruxite egg from the nest his sprite made. Unfortunately the sprite attacks him, knocking him and the egg off the tower. Bro Strider appears on top of the approaching meteor and slices it in half with his katana; the two halves are diverted by the blow and strike different areas of the city. Dave’s fall is broken by a rocket board, which is presumably how Bro got up to the meteor in the first place. (How did he manage to aim it to intercept Dave’s fall? Wouldn’t it take longer to get from the meteor to Dave than it takes for Dave to fall from the top of the tower to the roof of the building? We shall never know.) The egg hatches, and Dave is transported into the Medium. There’s no sign of what happens to Bro.

CHEL: Yet more cartoon physics around the Strider bros.

BRIGHT: I don’t know if we mentioned this earlier, but although Dave and Bro live in an apartment block that presumably housed multiple people, only Dave’s apartment gets transported into the Medium. Everyone else in the complex is left to die on Earth. SBURB is sociopathic.

Elsewhere in the Medium, back in the present, Grandpa’s ship is approaching Skaia, with Mom Lalonde and Dad Egbert on board.

Down on Skaia, Jack Noir draws his sword and slaughters the army WV raised to march on the Black King. WV cowers, but Jack leaves him alive. He then uses the Black Queen’s ring to send some sort of giant red tentacle attack through Skaia, slaughtering Dersite and Prospitian forces indiscriminately.

CHEL: Are they tentacles? I always thought of them as some sort of lightning lasers.

BRIGHT: That makes a lot more sense!

In the ectobiology lab, as the clock ticks down to the Reckoning, the babies are teleported to asteroids around the lab. There must be an air supply in this asteroid belt — characters are consistently shown as being able to survive outside.

CHEL: Maybe it’s just the players’ natural badassery. Batman Can Breathe In Space.

BRIGHT: On Skaia, CD makes his way through Jack’s slaughter fest, which has now ravaged a sizeable chunk of planet, and hands him the White King’s sceptre. Jack raises the sceptre and initiates the Reckoning. The meteorites start to vanish into Skaia’s defence portals. In the frog temple, DD somehow combines the MEOW genetic code with a paradox clone of Halley, creating Jade’s guardian Bec. Bec’s creation damages the laboratory equipment in the temple.

Cut to Jade, who is snoozing peacefully while her dream self explores Prospit. She looks up at Skaia, to see Jack’s shadow passing in front of it. Jack launches his tentacle attack on Prospit, slaughtering the inhabitants, then severs the chain attaching Prospit’s moon to the planet. The moon begins falling towards Skaia.

Jack then flies to LOHAC, where he encounters Bro Strider on one of the turntable mesas. Unexpectedly, Bro is able to give Jack an even fight. After a few exchanges, he drives his katana into the mesa; some sort of golden light emanates from the crack, and Bro absconds.

Wait, how did Bro get onto LOHAC? How did he survive the meteor impacts?

TIER: The ol' "rule of cool". As long as something is sufficiently "absolutely kickass!!" the rules of reality and physics can go sit on the bleachers twiddling their thumbs for all they fucking matter. There's a reason early fandom pinned down Bro as an unorthodox but immensely cool older brother type guy for so long. Because with what little information was available before we got bludgeoned with "No actually he was the absolute fucking worst thing to happen to Dave and fucked him up for life" that was the general impression he gave off.

CHEL: This and the meteor splitting are yet more reason not to take Bro’s treatment of Dave seriously; this is a world in which ludicrous animesque badassery rules the day, and physically impossible feats of battle occur every five minutes. Forcing a child to go through extensive and excessive sword training in brutal heat in a precarious place, possibly every day, ought by rights to be normal there, and I can’t believe he was physically hurt by swordfighting when he survived a meteor collision as an infant. Besides, training that extensive quite possibly could be the only thing that would keep Dave alive in these circumstances.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 18

BRIGHT: There’s a random Squiddles interlude, and then we return to Skaia.

John’s unconscious dream self has fallen out of Prospit’s moon as it plummets towards Skaia. Jade tries shaking him awake, and then slaps him, but to no avail. At the last moment, she throws him out of the path of the moon, and her dream self is then killed when it lands on her. Back on Earth, her dreambot overloads and explodes.

CHEL: Taking her tower room with it; Jade’s sleeping body plummets towards the earth.

BRIGHT: The moon leaves a gigantic crater in Skaia. John’s now-conscious dreamself hovers above it.

The babies vanish through the defence portals to Earth.

CHEL: Each takes an item with them. John takes the Sassacre book, Rose the first Con Air bunny, Dave rides Maplehoof, Jade takes the bunny Rose gave to John (which is in fact the Con Air bunny plus several years and repairs), Nanna sits inside Dad’s old hat, Mom takes the mutant kitten, Bro sleeps in the lap of Li’l Cal, and Grandpa dual wields the flintlock pistols he should not be allowed.

BRIGHT: Dave and Rose reach the Gates above their houses and set out to explore their Lands. We close on an eerie shot of Bec outside the frog temple on Jade’s island at night.

CHEL: Jade’s tower room is blown to bits, and a truly enormous meteor hovers over the scene.

Curtains close. End of Act 4. Before Act 5, we receive a message from Rose, via her GameFAQ.

[ZZZZ] Rose: Egress. This is my final entry. My co-players and I have made every earnest attempt, with occasional relapse, to play this game the right way.

Really? You haven’t been in the game for more than a couple of hours and Jade still isn’t in at all! Maybe consider that the fact that not all your players are in the game yet when you wonder why it isn’t working?

I have been meticulous in documenting the process to help our peers and successors through the trials should we fail. In my hubris I believed these classes were relegated to the Earth-bound, but in even this quaint supposition I was in error. Our otherworldly antagonists have assured us of our inevitable failure repeatedly, while the gods whisper corroboration in my sleep. I believe them now. I just blew up my first gate. I’m not sure why I did it, really. I am not playing by the rules anymore. I will fly around this candy-coated rock and comb the white sand until I find answers. No one can tell me our fate can’t be repaired. We’ve come too far. I jumped out of the way of a burning fucking tree, for God’s sake.

I can see her point. The game is horrible and should be stopped. On the other hand, I’d at least attempt to spend more than one day investigating it before trying to break it. Randomly destroying shit is more likely to make things much worse than anything else.

I have used a spell to rip this walkthrough from Earth’s decaying network, and sealed it in one of the servers floating in the Furthest Ring. The gods may disperse the signal throughout the cosmos as they wish. Perhaps it will be of use to past or future species who like us have been ensnared by Skaia’s malevolent tendrils. In case it wasn’t clear, magic is real. Pardon my egress. You’re on your own now.

This note is signed with a glowing multicoloured “RL” and revealed to be emitted from a purple box with an aerial, floating in space. It seems that’s how their internet’s still working.

FAILURE ARTIST: The internet seems to be a magical dimension in Homestuck and not something that’s part of physical infrastructure.

CHEL: Hours in the future, WV lands in the desert remains of Earth, wrapped up in John’s old ghost-patterned bedsheet, which is still white. A villein becomes a vagabond. In his memory, he tears up an effigy of Jack Noir… where’d he get it? Did the game create it for some reason? Anyway, John’s blanket falls on him from the sky as Prospit plummets; WV calls it a RAG OF SOULS. Adorably melodramatic.

John’s awoken dreamself gazes sadly at Jade’s deceased one, which for some reason isn’t actually under the rubble of Prospit and appears to still be three-dimensional. There’s no excessive blood splatter like with the dead Dave, which is good, not too over the top. He retrieves the Queen’s ring from her hand. Was he told at any point that it’s important? Because if he doesn’t know, I’m not sure robbing the dead is very heroic. He sees an image of himself flying over the battlefield in a large cloud above him; in the vision he’s near a castle, so he goes to seek it out.

On Earth, PM wraps herself up in an old Prospit banner. A mistress becomes a mendicant. In her memories, she has beheaded the Hegemonic Brute and is arranging a meeting with Jack Noir. He arrives and she presents the crowns; smirking evilly, he honours their bargain, and the Courtyard Droll brings her the green parcel. She brings it to the castle from John’s vision as he arrives there, hands over the box, and angrily walks away.

FAILURE ARTIST: She’s Honor Before Reason (maybe she’s programmed that way) but she has the right reaction. This is a lot to go through to deliver a package.

CHEL: Inside the box is a letter from Jade’s unknown pen pal, who writes in dark green and a distinctive jolly-hockey-sticks dialect, with a tendency to ramble off on tangents about movies and wrestling.

Anyway you should listen to jade from here on out john because she sure seems to know whats best for you. Whatever your adventure throws at you im sure shell tell you you can handle it. She believes in you.

And another letter from Jade.

even though its super late and you probably went through a lot of trouble to get it, i really hope this present cheers you up! you looked so sad while you were reading my letter. um... which is to say, the one you are reading now.

She explains that in her dreams she goes to Prospit and John’s sleeping dream self is there, and that’s where she gets her visions. She hopes he likes his present, and says her penpal is fun…

john i am REALLY looking forward to seeing you when you wake up!!!!! its been nice playing with my prospitian friends and all, but also kind of lonely knowing you were in the other tower sleeping and having lousy dreams. :( im not sure where i am when you are reading this but im sure ill make it down to where you are soon! (jeez how did you get down there??? oh well ill find out) i cant wait to fly around the moon with you and show you all my favorite places. itll be so much fun!!!!!!!!! :D <3 jade

Ow. I think this is the only time John cries in the entire comic.

A Single Tear(™) is a bit of an understated reaction to the death of one of your best friends who you just recently learned is also your twin sister, but to be fair, John isn’t left with very much time to react, as next panel Jack Noir’s sword is pointed at his face.

BRIGHT: John knows about dream selves and waking selves by now, I think?

CHEL: He knows they’re a thing but I don’t think he knows they count as backup lives. AT told Jade dream selves can die separately from regular selves but I don’t think anyone told John.

FAILURE ARTIST: Jack Noir wants the ring, but then he’s stopped by Jade’s gift: a robotic bunny wielding multiple weapons.

They line up for a fight.

Hours in the future, on a destroyed planet, AR wraps police tape around himself and becomes a Aimless Renegade. Before the disaster, he went to the Veil, where he found a sleeping John. He saves John by putting him on a rocket board.

Back to the robotic bunny. Jack Noir flies away from the fight. Grandpa’s battleship lands and Grandpa takes away Jade’s body. Mom and Dad disembark the ship and wave goodbye as it leaves. Grandpa cries a Single Tear as he transports Jade’s already taxidermed body. Did he have a machine?

CHEL: For that matter, why isn’t he helping anyone who’s actually still alive while he’s there?

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 10

FAILURE ARTIST: Nope, transporting a dead body is more important.

Again going back, White Queen leaves Prospit. On landing, she becomes Windswept Questant and wanders the Earth. We go forward years later. She repairs the laboratory and meets up with AR, WV, and PM. WV’s homemade spear hides the ring.

John watches this scene through the clouds of Skaia. He looks at the ring in his hand. In another cloud, there’s Jade’s laboratory. We close in on it and inside is The Fourth Wall. It isn’t turned on, but we are still lead to Andrew Hussie, banging away on a computer keyboard as he recaps the plot for a second time.

CHEL: Which we shall do as well when we’re done with this section, because it’s insanely hard to keep track of everything.

FAILURE ARTIST: Andrew Hussie says Nanna’s comet landed 99 years before John’s “birth” so he has some clue about the age but still doesn’t see it odd that a woman that age has a son who is probably only in his thirties.

CHEL: As I said, it’s also possible Dad was really old too, but that’s never really suggested. Not to mention, since they were brought into existence as toddlers, shouldn’t the kids be noticeably older than the ages given for them? John should be biologically fourteen to fifteen by now and at that age that can make a visible difference. I know the art style doesn’t really give clues, but no one I’ve seen has ever pointed that out in fanfic either.

FAILURE ARTIST: Newborns aren’t distinctive looking and can’t really do the cute things toddlers do. People in TV and movies regularly give birth to six month old infants so it’s not strange.

CHEL: True, but this isn’t TV, it’s a comic, and they don’t have to use an actual infant as a prop here.

BRIGHT: Possibly it’s intentional. Among other things, we see the newly-created players survive short trips through vacuum, crash-land on Earth without even minor injuries, and handle weapons they shouldn’t be able to lift for another four or five years. This could work if players have superhuman abilities (that is, beyond the classpect system). If that was the intent then it really should be made more explicit, though.

Of course, what it really boils down to is that Homestuck runs off Rule of Cool and Rule of Funny, and occasionally breaks down on examination as a result.

On the whole this is a solid Act, I think! We have a lot of new stuff happening, more characters get introduced, and we find out some more about the trolls. It’s much less rambling than Act 1.

COUNTS ALL THE LUCK: 0 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 18 CALL CPA PLEASE: 8 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 19 GET ON WITH IT!: 18 GORE GALORE: 10 HOW NOT TO WRITE A WEBCOMIC: 15 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 10 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 0 RELATIONSHIP GOALS?: 1 SEND THEM TO THE SLAMMER: 1 SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS: 0 WHAT IS HAPPENING??: 9 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 19 TOTAL: 127

[lowkeytommyboyfloyd]

Read Important Factor of Knightwood

I couldn't remember that bordering on Knightwood Male when I began this article. Knightwood Male will take you by storm. It was a huge amount. Improbably, you may be alarmed to hear that there is no room for improvement. I've used Knightwood Male extensively, to the point where my online store is associated with Knightwood Male. Literally, that's the one. Tomorrow is another day.I know this Knightwood Male idea is straightforward and easy to implement.

You may feel that I am trying to mislead you here. This is a notable advantage. As I mentioned, it is as thick as mud. They ought to fix it up. Knightwood Male is a crowd pleaser.

Knightwood Male soon spread to local schools.

I'm a newcomer when it relates to Knightwood Male. I should allow sleeping dogs lie. Realize that you are facing Knightwood Male that can come from many angles. Sure Knightwood Male is work. Despite this, allow me to summarize. This is an ironclad statement. Heck, I don't even see Knightwood Male in this discussion! Knightwood Male is commonly overlooked. Veterans generally tend to ask the same questions in reference to Knightwood Male over and over again. Otherwise I could go on forever on the subject of Knightwood Male. I think they have marked it down since this time. These are some Knightwood Male industry secrets. There's too much detail on this. This is how to make money working at home with your Knightwood Male. I'm about to explain to you many Knightwood Male secrets. You might believe that I'm over the hill. It is expected for Knightwood Male to be a way to find a good supply of Knightwood Male. We must have more new evidence but that is a solid investment. Through what agency do assistants reach killer Knightwood Male articles? They should eliminate the silly quirks which have given rise to Knightwood Male alternatives. This is how to determine your own Knightwood Male path. I'm disappointed to see that in the pursuit of my random remarks as this respects Knightwood Male. Knightwood Male was almost effort free. You can do it without spending time. It isn't something that's imaginary. I had lost perspective on the importance of Knightwood Male. I don't want people to begin Knightwood Male with their Knightwood Male. It's a reliable indication of it. They're ready to do battle. By the way, "There's no time like the present." They have many critical commitments. I am having a wrong-headed notion touching on it. Unmistakably, conundrum number one, and probably the biggest one, is Knightwood Male. I decided that I'm going to play it close to the vest. Your Knightwood Male can continue to change. In the humble opinion of that particular writer I found Knightwood Male to be a veritable cornucopia of both Knightwood Male and Knightwood Male. We'll talk a little in regard to Knightwood Male because it may hurt you also. Really, that was quite lively.

What would you rather have? Because I know Knightwood Male so well, what I have is a propensity as to Knightwood Male. Officially, if men and women need to have Knightwood Male, the best element to do will be to check out Knightwood Male. One of the reasons why this particular type of Knightwood Male is common is on account of a malfunctioning Knightwood Male. This is untraceable.

I've been engaged in that before. It is only the tip of the iceberg when it is on par with Knightwood Male and I thought I could share this with you this morning.

Nothing is forever, not even Knightwood Male. Cheap imitations can't compare with Knightwood Male that's just a little more expensive.

It does require quite a few specialized strategies. Seems more and more dilettantes want Knightwood Male. I cannot see that there are any short cuts to Knightwood Male. It is nerve racking.

I haven't noticed this anywhere else. It is how to teach yourself on Knightwood Male. It is how to figure out where someone is working on Knightwood Male however, I got a frog in my throat when I thought of Knightwood Male. I've had it with them. I have a habit of buying Knightwood Male. I can't afford luxury products. I have to say this because they baked biscuits for me. As I have said before, "To err is human, but it takes a computer to really foul things up."

[theworldoffostering]

School

Ms. 6 started school last week, but the rest of our kids start next week. Talk me off the ledge.  I could really get behind the schools educating our kids if I felt like they could do it.  The thing is, I notice myself feeling defensive just filling out the paperwork by the first grade teacher.  I am reading through all of the information we received from “back-to-school” night.  In first grade, parents are supposed to initial a reading log every night.  Why?  Who can tell me the purpose of this?  Who cares if I initial this piece of paper or not?  There have got to be a crap ton of parents who don’t actually read with their kids every night, right?  Isn’t this really just an extra step for parents?  Help me understand the purpose. There is a “get to know me” paper that was also sent home for E. It has eight statements on it that are labeled as “lifeskill/character traits” and parents are supposed to circle one of the following options: a lot, some, very little.  The statements are things like, “I need _____ amount of support with reading, organization, following instructions, making friends.”  Do I just feel defensive about this because my child struggles with organization, finishing tasks within a certain time frame, etc. due to her disabilities?  I don’t know, but it is rubbing me the wrong way, AND freaking me out at the same time.  I HATE how we measure kids up next to one another at the age of SIX and now if my child suddenly doesn’t finish her math in the same amount of time as someone else she’s somehow doing things too slowly. I’m also admittedly very nervous about H heading into kinder.  He loves the outdoors and bugs, toads, frogs, etc.  He would do great with a nature/outdoor based school.  I just learned about a public school that offers this exact type of education 60 miles north of us.  Is it too late to move?  I just don’t know that he is going to manage sitting for SO long during the day. Finally, DS’ schedule is a bit of a nightmare.  I am happy (so far) with how the school plans to implement services.  We have one more meeting next week so the IEP is not entirely complete.  We looked at putting him into the traditional middle school and they literally said that they do not have enough hours in the school day to provide the services he needs without pulling him out of academic classes which is obviously a major problem (because he would just fall behind in those classes).  They have a charter school which will pay for the curriculum for us to homeschool (or virtual school, but we are going to do the homeschool option), and they will provide services for him.  However, it is A LOT of transportation on my end.  I am still trying to figure it out. Currently it looks something like this: DS will go to one school 20 minutes away for reading support from 8-8:45am.  He will then get picked up and go to the traditional middle school for band. He will need to be picked up from there about an hour later.  My other kids go to school at roughly 8:20 and 8:30 (two different schools for three kids).  Baby will go to school at 10:50 (different school than the other four).  That’s four schools, a university (DD will self-transport), and daycare for NB.  I have no idea how I am going to pull this off, and I feel so good that DS is going to get what he needs (seriously daily intervention is about as much as we could ask for, and the reading specialist he is going to see is top notch), but I have no idea how to make this work with DH and I both working full-time.  Send a nanny.  Or a children’s Uber.  And chocolate please.

[ahkaraii]

please know you are doing the lord's work with your comic

*happy noises* thank you for enjoying this ultimately self indulgent foray into my nardo comics <33

BUFF JIRAIYA FTW

…he’s actually got wider hips than tsunade >w>

KAHAHAHA YES hiruzen’s been hokage for so long he’s 1000% used to having no privacy and just. does whatever he damn well pleases. his poor, newly minted anbu son had no clue. he knew nothing. what a rude awakening XD i bet monkey’s gonna have Words with his dad later (and his mom, biwako, who has a resting bitch face for a reason – she’s known for years her husband’s been sleeping with his fellow councilpersons since they were genin and grits her teeth and bears it with as much grace as one can).

I really like exploring jiraiya before he became the wandering sage. he’s already known as a “legenday” sannin by this time, but he’s still tied to Konoha. He is a master spy at Hiruzen’s beck and call, his eyes and ears abroad, training foreign soldiers to serve Konoha’s future. Jiraiya only canonically starts wearing the toad’s Mount Myoboku symbol 油 after the Kyuubi’s attack on Konoha, after Minato’s death and Hiruzen re-taking the mantel of Hokage, which is, to me, both a symbolic and literal statement of his change of loyalty. Until that point, however, his loyalty lies with the village of his birth.

That loyalty remained even as he trained the Amegakure kids, and I felt there was more than mere guilty altruism at play there. Hiruzen allowed it because those kids were chess pieces set against Hanzo, and Jiraiya is no fool…he probably knew that from the start, from the moment he decided to stick around and help that orphaned trio. It probably didn’t sit too well with him, considering he did it initially out of guilt, but he is a shinobi, and shinobi endure for duty’s sake.

Then Tsunade quits being a shinobi to be a wandering drunkard, and Orochimaru quits Konoha to be a wandering creep, and Minato gets his fool self killed by the Kyuubi, and Leaf Village just doesn’t seem so stellar anymore. The frogs are so much more chill and to his taste…he probably fucks off to hang out on Mount Myoboku for a long while, mourning his losses.

SORRY THAT GOT SAD xV

[rvnjun]

nct 2018 reacts | their idol crush gets made fun of by an mc

warnings: idk if this is a warning but the reader gets made fun of for their looks sometimes genre: angst but all fluffy paring: nct x fem!reader a/n: I didn't add gifs because i'm lazy and my computer crashes when I try adding more than 9 gifs to a post

taeil

Taeil would be playing with his hands, he was very nervous, it wasn't easy being on the same show as the person you've been crushing on forever. His ears would perk up when he heard your name mentioned. “You look like a frog trying to walk on two legs,” the mc said while watching your dancing. Immediately he felt his heart drop. He looked at your expression and felt his anger boil, it was obvious that you were hurt. “Hey, dancing isn't easy, you should try it,” Taeil spoke quietly while looking at his hands. He looked up to see you smiling brightly at him

taeyong

“How can a leader be so quiet and reserved? Shouldn't it be you to peak up and not your members?” the host asked after another membered explained the album and not you. “Well actually during comebacks someone gets assigned to remember what to say about the album, its not always the leader,” Taeyong defended. He could tell you seemed hurt and he didn't like seeing his biggest crush offended. The host nodded in response, he didn't expect Taeyong to defended you like that, he was intimidated. Once the camera were off you'd go over and thank him for sticking up for you.

johnny

“I literally didn't know that you were in this comeback. Where were you in the mv and where are your lines?” the host asked while looking at you. Truth be told, you didn't know why you didn't get many lines nor why you didn't have much screen time. “I really don't know,” you mumbled while looking at the water bottle in front of you. Johnny nodded his head, he knew what it was like to work so hard for something and have it still be out of your reach. The hosts laughed “Apparently there is something very wrong with you,” he said while trying to move on to the next topic. Johnny rolled his eyes, he placed a reassuring hand over yours and gave you a calming smile. “Don't listen to him, okay? Even though you don't have many lines this comeback you shine brighter than your members,” he encouraged. You nodded your head and tried to calm your beating heart. Johnny's words really helped you and you made sure that you needed to hank him the next time you saw him

yuta

“If we are talking about looks here than Y/N is definitely at the bottom,” the mc said while laughing along with the others. Your eyes widened, you were surprised to hear his words. Yuta was too, he had always had a crush on you and thought of you as the most beautiful women he had ever met. “No, Y/N would be at the top,” Yuta corrected while sending the mc a deathly glare. You giggled and sent a smirk over to mc. Yuta couldn't help but laugh at your new found confidence

ten

Your Korean wasn't the best and you'd be the first person to admit it. Despite knowing about your lack of Korean speaking skills you didn't like being made fun of for them. However making fun of your speaking seemed to be what every host did, it was their favorite thing. Ten had noticed this, throughout the entirety of filming the host would reoccurringly laugh at how you said things or when you forgot a word. By the end of filming Ten noticed that you weren't speaking as much, he would feel extremely bad so he approached you and said. “Y/N dont listen to them, its not easy learning another language. I bet none of them can speak 2 languages (or more).” You smiled at his words, he had a point. “Thanks, Ten,” you said with a charming smile. Ten would nod and decide to help you for the rest of filming, he didnt care if the fans noticed

doyoung

“And you are the main vocalist? How in the world did that happen?” the host asked after listening to you singing your favorite song on your new album. You were clearly taken back by his statement, you had been called a terrible vocalist before but always by angi fans, never by a host. “And you are the main host? How in the world did that happen?” Doyoung sasssed back while sending the host a glare. You giggled at him causing his heart to flutter. The host simply looked at the floor and burned red in embarrassment while everyone laughed at him

kun

Kun was standing next to you while your members talked about your new song and the highlight parts. He was already extremely nervous because of this comeback and being next to his crush made his nerves 10x worse. “I keep forgetting your not a 6 membered group and that there is 7 of you,” the host said while gesturing to you. You had taken a hiatus because of health problems and this was your first comeback back. Kun couldn't control his expression, his faced formed into confusion before it went to pure anger. Once the camera were off and you guys were leaving Kun leaned over and whispered in your ear “Don't listen to him Y/N. Sometimes I forget you aren't a solo artist because you shine so much compared to your members,” he winked at you before walking away. You brought your hand up to your heart and tried to control its rapid beating

jaehyun

Jaehyun awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck while the host started asking questions about his personal life. When his ideal type was mentioned the host brought up if any of the other girls on the show matched his ideal type. Truthfully, he wanted to answer yes and mention you but of course he knew that he couldn't do that. “Well I can tell you this, it isnt Y/N,” the host added while making everyone laugh except for you and Jaehyun. Jaehyun could tell from your expression that you were hurt, being made fun of for your looks was a recurring thing for you on variety shows. “Actually, I was going to say Y/N is the closest person to my ideal type,” he said making your cheeks turn crimson

winwin

Winwin didn't know what to say or do, all he knew was that he wanted to stick up for you. He looked at the hosts before choosing to not speak up yet and instead say something later. Once the filming was over you were mentally and physically exhausted. “Y/N? Id like to apologize for not sticking up for you earlier, I should have said something,” he said with an apologetic smile. You shook your head “Its okay Winwin, im glad you said something now,” you said making him feel much better, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Uh, here is my number. Call if you need anything,” Winwin said before rushing away to his managers

jungwoo

Jungwoo took a bite of the ice cream and continued to walk with a skip in his step. Today was a good day, the sun was shining, he got ice cream, and he was able to film a show with his idol crush. “You know Y/N, I wouldn't eat on camera if I were you, you look like a donkey,” the mc said while they changed the cameras out. “Oh,,,okay,” you said while tossing the cone away. You felt sick to your stomach, why hasn't someone told you the truth before.”Y/N,” Jungwoo mumbled while walking next to you. You looked away, embarrassed to be called a donkey while in the presence of Jungwoo. “Don't listen to him, you look perfectly fine, stunning actually,” he said with a cheeky grin. You giggled at his words and thank him. Jungwoo placed a short but sweet kiss on your cheek

lucas

You followed close behind Lucas, he tall stature and broad shoulders helped shield you from the harsh winds. He had told you to stay behind him, that he could lead the way back and you felt bad. You wanted to be able to help out more but you were already sick due to the lack of food and the freezing rain. Byungman had insisted that you and Lucas go and find some wood but what eh didn't realize that a huge storm was going to hit. Now you two were stuck in it while trying to get back to base camp. After what felt like hours you were completely worn out, and it was noticeable. Your fever had raised and you kept coughing. Once you got back Lucas was beyond worried for you “Y/N you're so useless right now and you're literally the ugliest thing i've ever seen,” one of the guests on the show said while laughing. Lucas scrunched his face up in confusion “She is sick, id like to see you try and walk 2 miles in this storm while sick. I think she still looks beautiful,” Lcas said while giving yo a soft smile.

mark

“Y/N you look like a lifeless corpse,” the host said with a laugh while pointing at your makeupless face. You looked at him with wide eyes and hid yourself behind your hands. “Im sorry, let me go apply my makeup,” you said while turning around and returning to your room. “Y/N I think you look even more stunning, if that's possible,” he smoothly flirted without realizing. The hosts were surprised by his words, just like you. “Oh my, thank you Mark,” you giggled while removing your hands from your face with a new found confidence causing Mark to smile proudly.

renjun

You sat in the chair and played with your fingers while you waited to be called back on set. Biting your lip you did your best to hide back the tears but it was really hard. No one liked getting made fun of for their looks, especially not in front of their crush. You looked up and wiped your tears when you heard someone in front of you cough. “Hey Y/N,” Renjun said while he looked down at you. “Hello Renjun,” you simply said before looking back down. You tried to hold them back but they kept falling.”Y/N don't listen to them, you're a beautiful girl, there literally isnt a single flaw on you,” Renjuns words took you by surprise. You looked up at him with light pink cheeks. Renun sighed and cupped your face in his hands before wiping your tears with his thumb. “I mean it”

jeno

Jeno held the microphone tighter than usual, his eyes were burning holes into the camera and his poster was picture perfect. “Y/N, you read the wrong line, who invited you to be the guess mc?” the other mc asked while staring at you. Jeno furrowed his eyebrows and looked over at you. You lightly laughed and tried to keep a smile. Once the camera were off you rushed away so you could cry. “Y/N!” Jeno called out while reaching for your hand. You stopped in your tracks and looked at him with a wry smile. “Don't listen to him, you did great,” he said sending an eruption of butterflies in your stomach

haechan

Haechan scoffed at the hosts joke. “Its not cool to make fun of someone for something they cant control,” he said while sending him a sharp glare. The host looked back at Haechan “What did you just say to me?” he asked, testing the younger boy. “I said dont make fun of someone for something they cant control,” Haechan snapped back. You watched from Haechan side with a glint in your eyes. No one had ever stuck up for you like that. “Thank you haechan, I mean it,” you mumbled to him before leaning up and placing a soft kiss on his cheek. Haechan watched in awe as you walked ahead, his hand went up to the spot where your lips once were and he beamed

jaemin

You yelped slightly as you slipped on the floor, your hand reached out for something to hold onto so you wouldn't fall. Grabbing Jaemins forearm tightly you caught your balance. You sent Jaemin an apologetic smile, he had been helping you out all day. “Wow Y/N, dont you think Jaemin is tired of taking care of you, its like he is babysitting,” the host started to laugh at his own joke, others joined in. You stopped and looked over at him. Jaemin didnt mind taking care of you, you were his biggest crush and he liked having you cling to him. “Please dont put words in my mouth, I dont mind it at all,” he said with giving you a soft smile

chenle

The host stared at your beat red face, you were in the middle of trying to think of a reply but couldn't come up with anything. Instead you opted to sutter out a incomprehensible “yes.” The host rolled his eyes at you before looking at the producer “Why did you invite her, she can't even answer a simple question. How are you a idol?” he tried to play it off as funny but you were very much hurt by it. You knew you were shy and awkward and you did your best to get over it. “I think her shyness makes her even more cuter,” Chenle piped up out of nowhere. You sent Chenle a thankful smile, no one had ever stuck up for you like that, especially not a cute boy

jisung

Jisung watched in awe as your body moved to the beat perfectly, he was completely mesmerized by your dancing. Once you were done you smiled proudly, you had noticed the way Jisung was looking at you and it made you feel all giddy inside. “And you call yourself a dancer?” the mc asked while giving you a sharp stare. Jisungs eyes widened, he didnt even know what came over him when he spoke “No offense but she is the most amazing dancer id ever seen.” Once Jisung realized what he said he glanced over at you and saw you giving him the biggest heart eyes he had ever seen, he put his hand up to his mouth and tried to hide his growing smile

[darkzorua100]

Me going into episode 86 of Vrains: Man I can’t wait to see what mind games Lightning is going to unleash onto Spectre in order to break him.

Me after watching the episode: ...did I really think Spectre was going to let Lightning do that to him? I am ashamed of myself for forgetting how much of a petty little bitch Spectre actually is. 

Dear lord, I freaking love this psycho.

So yeah, after the mess that was last week’s episode, this one definitely made up for it. Spectre has always been such an intriguing character to me. Anytime we get an episode focused around him, we get to drive more into his psyche and seriously he is just so fascinating. Lightning talked about him and his servitude to Revolver as him being weak and him giving up his free will while Spectre on the other hand admits to his own weakness but doesn’t see his servitude to Revolver as him giving up his free will in order to serve him, more like a beneficial symbiotic relationship between the two. Revolver gets a servant who would follow him to the ends of the world in order to complete his goals while Spectre on the other hands gets a home and more importantly protection. Interesting inside on Spectre’s end to more of their dynamic.

The subplot of Spectre and Earth’s relationship did get addressed like I hoped it would have but surprise surprise, it was actually Spectre who was the one to bring up his Ignis. A part of him really does seem to care about Earth, since as Playmaker put it Earth was apart of Spectre, and he seems to blame Lightning for what happened to Earth. In his words, if Lightning had stayed in the Cyberse World, and not have destroyed it, Earth wouldn’t have left and wouldn’t have been killed by SOL. However in Lightning’s defense, the Knights did attack them first and would have continued to have attacked them until all of them were gone. Again, it is just fascinating because if Earth was still alive, Spectre would have had to destroy him in order to fulfill the Knights’ goal but this just shows that he wouldn’t have been able to do it. And if he did, he would have just felt instant regret afterwards. Revolver is watching this whole thing as it happens so I’m very curious to know what he’s thinking during all of this. I wonder if this is just slowly putting doubt in his mind if he can actually kill the Ignis, knowing very well what effect that might have on their respective Lost Child. Again if Spectre was this hurt even though he never met Earth, how is this going to effect someone like Yusaku or Takeru, who both have strong bonds with their Ignis, if something were to happen to Ai or Flame? You would literally be cutting their soul in half. A part of me genuinely wants to see something like this happen just to see the after effects it would cause.

We also get some mind games from Spectre’s end. It is amazing to me just how well Spectre can read someone, even an A.I. like Lightning, like a book. Besides the obvious statement that Lightning has a god complex, Spectre was also able to figure out that Lightning has a secret that he never told anyone and he seemed to hit the nail on the head because Lightning was pissed about it. I am very curious to know what that is and I think I might have an idea what it could be. I think it might have something to do with Jin because seriously, why did Lightning go through all the trouble just to get his hands on his Origin? He didn’t need him, as seen with Windy and Earth who each could duel without their partner, but he still did. Heck even before the duel with Blood Shepherd, Lightning was talking to Jin like an equal, even though he knew that he was nothing more then an shell. A truly do think a part of Lightning does care for his Origin because of their connection, he just doesn’t want to admit it or else he would be admitting that in his own words, there would be something wrong with his programming. I wonder if Spectre will try and figure it out during the next week’s episode and that will be the thing that just causes Lightning to just snap and murder him? Because based on the preview, it doesn’t look good for Spectre (after a few good psycho faces first).

When it came to the dueling, this is what I mean about Spectre being a petty little bitch. Instead of trying to find a way to stop Judgement Arrows, he just decides to steal it because why not? That’s what I like about Spectre’ dueling. Anything his opponent has that he doesn’t, he just steals it and uses it against them. With one simple card, he was able to destroy Lightning’s Extra Link and in turn bring out his Mother. Not going to lie, I was having a party when he summoned Sunavalon Dryas because mama is here to f*ck sh*t up. I seriously want Spectre’s cards to be printed. I really want to try out his deck and just troll people with it.

So other the Spectre’s amazing faces during this episode, other things that happened during this episode were the following. The team got split up in a divide and conquer strategy. Playmaker and Ai ended up in some kind of dark factory like area, similar to the normal Link Vrains. Revolver fell into a field of flowers (which is hilarious but I’m very curious now more then ever to know who he is going to be facing off against in this area). Soulburner and Flame ended up in an airport (which has me asking a lot of questions such as why did Lightning and Windy create an airport of all things but I guess we now know who Windy’s opponent is going to be probably if we are trying to stick to the theme here). And Blue Maiden and Aqua were able to save themselves from the fall since Blue Maiden has wings (which actually work thank god) and are now currently flying around what appears to be another section of the city Playmaker and Ai are in. Frog and Pigeon were captured by Windy and Lightning and are now being forced to broadcast the duels to the other team members or else their heads are going to be blown up. Akira has now joined Ghost Girl in watching over Link Vrains, and the remain Knights plus Kusanagi are watching the events play out. 

But yeah good episode. I just hope the next week’s one doesn’t follow the pattern that two part duels have been suffering from lately in my eyes. The first half being amazing while the second being just terrible but this is a Spectre duel so I highly doubt it. Going more into the preview, again just Spectre faces. I think he’s lost his mind at this point. We also have something called “Extra Link Reversal” that’s going to happen next week and I have no idea what that could mean other then the fact that these two are just going to continue to steal an Extra Link from each other. By the end of the preview, Spectre looks worried so if it wasn’t safe to say he was going to lose before, he definitely is now. Very much looking forward to his death. Let him go out with a bang.

[phantom-thieves-imagines]

Jealousy- Chapter2 (Goro Akechi x reader)

Wooh here’s the part 2 thats overdue, watch me decide to make this 20 chapters long lmafo

ooh ooh warning- the events in chapter 2 and onwards are cannon to the actual game meaning Akechi is...

chapter 1 can be thought of as part of this, or as a separate fic where Akechi hasn’t done...things...

spoilers ahead

-mod goro 

Makoto took a deep breath, pulling herself fully upright as she brought the microphone to her mouth, “Well then, we will now begin today’s panel. Our guest of honor is Goro Akechi.”

A bright spotlight reigned down on the detective in center stage, who gestured  with his gloved hand, smiling. “I feel kind of bad considering how many people have gathered....I’m sure you all would’ve been happier to have a singer or mascot appear, wouldn’t you say?”

 The crowd laughed, as Makoto continued, with more confidence. “We’d appreciate it if you could tell us about your experiences with the notorious Phantom Thieves.” She copied Akechi, turning up charm to the max and lathering on her words like honey, “It’d be wonderful if you could let us hear more about your actual investigative process.”

Akechi leaned on the podium in front of him, not one to lose he put on his own sweet-tooth smile. “I’m not used to being the one interrogated...so please go easy on me.”

Once again, the crowd laughed, Akechi had a way with people you knew that for sure.

“...How much do you think he knows.” Ann whispered to your group, up in the rafters. Below sitting in the crowd you could see the floofy hair of Haru and the blazing head of orange hair that was Futaba, sitting in her same frog-crouched position. The two had managed to grab two seats in the packed auditorium- Goro Akechi had literally sold out the gym. Ann had managed to snag a key to the rafters from a male who worked for the drama club, the 5 of you creeping quietly as to not attract any attention- it was highly likely the rafters were off-limits, that didn’t stop you all from positioning yourself with a good view of the stage. she nearly throttled Ryuji when he tripped on the stairs, causing the smack of metal against skin to vibrate throughout the hall. Luckily, with how loud the gym was at the time and how focused everyone was looking on stage, waiting for Akechi to show, you all managed to sneak up without being spotted. 

“Either he has an idea who the true culprit is, or...he has uncovered the identities of the Phantom Thieves.” Yusuke mumbled, 

Ryuji leaned on the railing, beside Ann. Apparently they didn’t care about being seen anymore. “C’mon Makoto....! You gotta get it outta him....!”

Yes, Makoto was under a lot of pressure. She was tasked with prying information about the phantom thieves out of Akechi, despite that fact that you were a friend of Akechi, you wouldn’t want to go head to head with him in a situation like this- this was his stage. 

“As much as you’re allowed to say, would you tell us how far along your investigation is on them?” Makoto continued.

“Getting right to the point, I see.” Akechi commented. 

You made a slight ‘tsk’ sound. Akechi was cocky, and pointed out every single thing Makoto did and why, just in a different, roundabout way.

You had a bad feeling, thing’s weren’t going to end well.

“Well, if it’s as much as I’m allowed to say, then everything on TV and the internet is all of it. We don’t have any leads yet, and the methods behind their crimes are still unclear.”

“I see...Even with this country’s power, arresting them is proving to be difficult....is that the case?” Makoto asked.

Akechi turned it over in his mind. “I wouldn’t phrase it that way...but well, something like that.”

“Something like that my ass.” you growled. The police had nothing, you knew that for a fact. If, and only if, they had something- it would have to be from Akechi. 

For that one, one reason, because of his one comment.

“Thank you for answering that question.” Makoto hummed, voice sweet like a child’s. Alright, at the very least you all know that the police can’t arrest the thieves at the moment, without fabricating piles of evidence and having fake witnesses. “...By the way, it seems you’ve denied a correlation between the Phantom Thieves and the murders...Why the sudden change? Until now, haven’t you upheld your stance that the Phantom thieves are dangerous? How are you so positive that they haven’t committed murder?”

Akechi breaks into his TV- oriented smile. “Aren’t you a little too comfortable interrogating people? Why, it’s as if you’re a prosecutor.” An attempt to derail the conversation and also stabbing at the fact that she’s acting like her obviously corrupted-sister. A disguised low blow.

The crowd laughed, god they must be tired of it by now. 

Makoto flushed slightly, embarrassed and a twinge of bitterness making her brow crease in the slightest as she closed her eyes. “Ah, excuse me. This is something I’ve personally been interested in so I couldn’t help it...” She opened her eyes, focusing on Goro. “But won’t you tell us...?”

‘Atta girl Makoto, keep up the heat.

“What reason is there that you’d claim their innocence when you previously stated they were unjust?”

Akechi turned to the audience for the first time since the interview started. “Every person whose heart they changed have truly been criminals, including Okumura. Why then, was he the only one who needed to be killed?”

“Why is that?” Makoto smiled, throwing the question back at him. That was the best way to do it, never put in your statement, just keep asking the same things out of the person to avoid them trying to interrogate you.

It was like watching two lions fight. Makoto and Goro both looking for the other to slip up and to gain the upper-hand.

Akechi looked forlorn, “I must admit...I couldn’t deduce a reason. That’s why I believe that case should be through of as if a different party is responsible.”

He leaned back off of the podium, the same natural look plastered on his face, “And if- This is all hypothetical, mind you, If the Phantom Thieves are the ones I know of, I can’t possible imagine they would kill anyone.”

A cry of shock rang throughout the auditorium, you felt a stone drop in your stomach. Down below you saw Futaba’s hair whip towards Akechi. Beside you, Yusuke tightened the grip on his arm, gnawing on his lip.

Makoto, startled, stuttered back into character. “Y-your comment just now...Does this mean the police have already identified who they are?”

“Dammit, fuck!” you felt like punching the wall. If this conversation continued...

Akechi frowned, but you knew he was really smiling, he realized it too, Makoto had fallen into his trap. “Oh, no. The police haven’t gotten that far yet.”

He paused, to let the audience laugh, before turning to look directly at those standing in the rafters.

“But I have my own conclusions about the true identities of the Phantom Thieves.”

Your blood ran cold. 

“He’s gotta be bluffin’!” Ryuji barked, slamming his hands on the railing.

Ann smacked his arm, “Pipe down!”

Haru and Futaba were huddled together, mumbling. Makoto had a dear-in-headlights look, her brain frantically trying to say something that could steer the conversation off course.

Akechi smiled, barely hiding pride. The lion was defeating the lioness. “You’re not going to ask me who they are...?” He asked oh-so-innocently. At this point he was just daring her to try him. ‘Do it, weren’t you so confident in getting information out of me? Where did that honey-like smile go?’

“He’s just playing her like a fiddle.” you mumbled to yourself. It was hard to believe this was the same guy who less than 24 hours ago, was talking in the courtyard with you about being friends, how he wanted to be friends, how he wasn’t used to being friends with people.

You wonder how much of it was fake, could be fake.

Ann gripped the railing so hard it made a noise.

“...it may have repercussions on the investigation. Are you sure you can share that with us?” Makoto was not even trying to hide her glare. She was frustrated. 

Akechi raised his chin, “It’s only my personal opinion, so announcing that here wouldn’t pose a problem.”

“However....” He continued. 

While looking at Makoto, his eyes momentarily drifted back again towards the rafters, he locked eyes with you for a moment and you help your breath until he looked away. 

“...There is a possibility that everyone present will hear the truth before the police or media...

“The truth...?” Ann whispered, fear lacing her words.

Makoto huffed,“That’s quite the confidence you have....if you’re so certain...then very well....”

She took a breath, steeling herself. Once she asks this, there was the high probability Goro would call her out right then and there, in front of the crowd. If that happened she needed to be ready, to act, to deal with the situation in any means necessary. 

Her last words, before, now that you look back on it, was the last moment before you would pretend that everything was okay, that you could continue attempting cracking the ice-tough detective without any fears of something sinister hiding underneath Goro Akechi’s mask.

She opened her mouth. 

“I’d like to ask you then: Who do you think the Phantom Thieves are, Akechi-san?”

Akechi-san, the lioness is wounded is trying her best to soften the blow she know will kill her.

“That, idiot!” Ryuji hissed.

“No, Ryuji,” You murmured, tugging his arm. “She had no choice, you have to know that.”

He met your eyes, you and Ryuji had been through a lot- being your first friend since you got to Shujin, besides Ann, and eventually Akira. He respected you, unlike Ann who he always bickered with, he always tried his best to please you. Taking you out to eat, friendly talks between classes- nothing there was ever implied to be more than friends, and you both were okay with that.

He sighed, rubbing his eyes with his palm, he’s just scared, and you know that, understand that.

“No...there’s no way he could have any evidence.” Yusuke mumbled in terror.

You’re not so sure you believe that now.

“They’re people you all know quite well.” Akechi started. “The identity of the Phantom Thieves are-”

Almost comically and to the relief of your group, Akechi’s phone rang.

He pulled it out, “Oh, it’s mine. I apologize for the interruption, but I can’t turn off my phone due to my job....would you mind if I step away for about...ten minutes or so...?”

“I’m terribly sorry, everyone, but we’ll be taking a break.” Makoto said, trying to keep the relief out of her voice. “We’ll resume the panel in ten minutes.”

Akechi pocketed his phone, grinning. “Please don’t troll me online for this interuption, ok?” 

For some reason, you felt the strong urge to go online and do just that.

Akechi bowed, and then walked over to Makoto. The two of them exchanged a few words. Akechi moved behind the girl, whispering something in her ear.

For some reason, you felt the hairs on your arm stand up, your teeth clench tighter.

Makoto gave Akechi a side-eye glare, biting her lip before the two disappeared behind the curtain.

“H-hey, it’s Makoto.” Ann mumbled, motioning to the IM app on her phone. You checked on your own as well,

Makoto, 2:47pm: P.E faculty office. Now. Everyone.

“Dammit!” Ryuji mumbled, rubbing his head. “It’s that damn Akechi!”

“What should we do...?” Ann murmured in a trance-like state. 

Akira, who hadn’t said anything since the panel started, finally spoke up. “I think, we should be on guard.”

Yusuke shivered, the lanky boy had probably burned all of his calories out of fear by now. 

Below you, Haru and Futaba were squeezing past people in the rows to get out of the gym. 

“We only have 10 minutes, we should hurry.” Akira said. Yusuke, Ann and Ryuji all hurried down the stairs, legs shaking. You stayed behind to wait for Akira, who was still standing, looking at the stage, the gleam from his glasses hid most of his face.

“Kurusu...?” You called out. He snapped his head towards you. “We should go.”

“Right.” He nodded, following you down the stairs, pushing the double doors and out into the blinding light of the sun.

---

Akechi slapped down three photos on the table. From the cries of Haru and Ryuji, you knew the plan of ‘trying not to look suspicious while Akechi interrogates us’ flew out the window with any other logical thoughts.

“Please, let’s not feign ignorance.” Akechi purred. Goddammit did his voice find a way into your blood, you shivered again. “All of you can go to that other world too, yes?”

Akira stepped up, as the leader, picking up his broken team in his own hands. “What do you mean, ‘us too’?”

Akechi smiled, “It’s not just all of you. I am aware of that world too...” 

Hidden behind a stack of boxes, you could see the tuffs of Morgana’s fur. He was sleeping on the grass while the panel was going on (Ryuji almost stepped on his tail while rushing out of the gym) and you all informed him of what had happened on the way to the office. 

“What? He was about to reveal the identities of the phantom thieves?” Morgana’s tiny voice cried, running to keep up with everyone power-walking.

“Yeah, now we’re in deep shit.” Ryuji cursed, trying to calm his nerves. 

“Well, what’s done is done, all we can do is try to either play dumb or work out a deal.” Akira mumbled.

Morgana’s tail twitched, left to right and back again.

“I found out about that world a month ago.” Aekchi stated, pulling his phone to show the currant-red eye of the Navigation app. “This had been installed onto my phone without my knowledge.”

You winced, Akira hummed, Morgana’s tail flicked up, once.

You sincerely, sincerely, sincerely hoped you were wrong, but even so, you can’t hide the fact that the evidence is looking right at you in the face. 

No one else, except for 3 out of the group seem to have realized it.

Ryuji rolled his arm, grabbing his shoulder, as if he was going to fight. “We’ve been listenin’ to you blab on for a while now, but cut the delusional-”

Akechi shut him down promptly, “All of you are acting as Phantom Thieves in the Metaverse. I can say so with conviction because I have the same power as you.”

Everyone was quiet and tense for a moment, no one no knowing or wanting to say anything.

“That’s right.” Akira spoke up, his hands taken out of his pockets. “And what now?”

“So, you don’t deny it then.” Akechi hummed. “To be honest, I’ve been curious about you since the time of the Madarame case.”

“We didn’t kill anyone!” Haru gave a shrill cry. Of course she’d feel the need to say that, it was her own father that was killed after all.

“I believe that, as well.” Akechi confirmed. He seemed like he was telling the truth, at least. 

Makoto cradled her hands nervously, “How can you be so sure?” 

And Akechi was willing to answer that as well.“Because I saw another- the real culprit.”

Instantly, everyone in the group recoiled. Shock and fear turned into anger, this was the person that was framing the Phantom Thieves, intentionally or not, for murder. 

Akechi hushed any outcries. “I couldn’t identify his face...he had a mask on, after all.”

“He?” You questioned, speaking Akechi for the first time since the day before. “So you know this person is a male.

Akechi winced, it was so small that it only looked as if his eye was twitching but it was there nonetheless, then collecting himself, answered. “Yes, from his figure I could assume it was male.”

He cradled his head, face scrunched as the retold his story. “Actually, when I took these photos, I entered that world too. That’s when I saw someone else moving about, besides all of you....He shot at me the moment he noticed me.”

Yusuke folded his arms, shifting his position. “That’s who killed president Okumura?”

Akechi removed his hand, nodding. “Most likely. At the very least, I was almost killed by him...’I can’t die here, I need to determine the truth.’ When those thoughts overcame me, I awakened to that power- a most fortunate accident.”

And all this happened, a month ago.

“This guy has a persona too...?” you heard Morgana mumble from his position behind the boxes.

Akechi jolted, his eyebrows raised up past the edges of his fringe. “This cat...” 

Morgana’s tail shot up in astonishment.

Goro shook his head. “I-i swear it just.....talked....!”

Ann spoke up, words flowing out of her in a rushed breath. “Morgana. Our teammate who taught us about the Metaverse.”

Akechi recoiled, before slowly returning, even closer to inspect Morgana. It slowly became more and more difficult to stop yourself from laughing- Goro always acted polished, calm and collected at all times. But when something threw him off guard he’d always try really really hard to keep his cool, though he wasn’t very good at it, to your humor. 

“Really...? This is unbelievable...” He murmured. “But it is true that you know things that I don’t...”

He cleared his throat, collecting himself to be the TV celebrity he was. “Say, Morgana. Were you also the one who instructed them on how to change people’s hearts?”

Morgana saw no need to stay in hiding he jumped up on the boxes. “We go in the Metaverse- we call them palaces- to steal the core of their desires: their treasure, those who’s treasure are stolen have a change of heart.

Word jumble that you’ve heard what is it...one two-  this is this 6th time now. You extended your arm out to Morgana, his ears flicked forward as he carefully climbed up your arm and came to a rest on your shoulder.

You scratched under Morgana’s chin, causing him to purr. You (Besides Haru, Futaba and maybe Ann if she tried) could pet Morgana like this, like he was an actual cat. Akechi’s eyes met yours for the third time that day, he looked away quickly.

 “...Ah, hahaha...” He chuckled, rubbing his face dejectedly . “There’s certainly no way anyone could figure out such an MO...”

“Anyways!”Ryuji couldn’t take how slow the conversation was moving at, his foot tapping against the tile with vigor.“Back to what you were talkin’ about! Are we in this mess ‘cause of that guy?!”

Akechi turned to Joker, your leader, speaking to the group.

You only half-focused on that , you kept running the calculations in your head, making sure what you were assuming was right. Morgana noticed, hissing(literally). 

“Hey, are you listening, what he said was important.”

“Yeah.” You mumbled back, ruffling his fur. He yelped, along with Ryuji and Ann both freaking out over blackmail and the threat with being arrested. 

Akira sighed, removing his glasses to rub the grime from the lenses. “You’re asking a lot.”

Akechi frowned in return. “I see...I don’t think it’s a bad deal though....well.” he smiled, one that seemed to spring naturally from his mouth. “Considering this is you we're talking about. I believe you’ll come to a favorable reply.

The smile was short lived, it was quickly replaced with 100% pure synthetic Akechi smile in a short second. “I’m glad we could talk. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to spend such a meaningful time like this.”

His words were meant to be ones of praise, but to you they just felt like slaps to the face. As if he was implying his time with you had been-

Meaningless.

‘This line of thought meaningless’ you thought.

“We should be getting back.” Akechi pointed out, observing his phone. He spoke to Makoto, brows furrowing in regret. “About that...I’m sorry, would it be acceptable if we ended the panel here...?”

Then he broke into a smile fitting for a cat like Morgana. “The reason why you called for me in the first place was because you wanted Intel,correct?”  He seemed passive-aggressive towards Makoto and from the look he gave him back, you assumed this would be another ongoing thing, like Ryuji and Morgana, great. 

Another tally for Akechi, he’s winning against the Phantom Thieves 1000-1.

“Ill deal with it somehow.” She finally said, seeming relieved to just be done with the situation. She held her hands, when you looked down you noticed- they were shaking.

Makoto Nijima was just as scared as everyone else.

Akechi walked past the group,not bothering to formally conclude things, or maybe he just didn’t know how to. 

He stopped to whisper in your ear on the way out, “I look forward to your answer.”

Morgana’s fur bristled, you locked eyes with Akechi, hoping to get some reason or clue from his eyes, anything that might change your mind-

Nothing, absolutely wiped and blank. 

He left the room.

Ryuji stomped his foot in rage. “Dammit! He had complete control over us!” the fear that seeped into his voice was evident. You tried to reach out for him, to help him but he stormed out of the room, slamming the door before you could get the chance. You made a mental note to go run with him to help burn off his adrenaline later.

No one had the strength to say anything else, with heavy hearts, everyone slowly filed out of the office. 

You, Akira and Morgana remained in the room.

“Hey, they’re going...” Morgana hoped down from your shoulder, voice somber. The cat sighed, shaking his head.

Akira looked at you, you both knew what each-other was thinking. It was pity. Pity because your so called friend, the one you tried to be friends with, the one Akira knew you had feelings for was-

Morgana’s tail swished, sadly. 

“You realized it too, then.” 

[ariderofcomets]

Descrying love.

PART II-

The incestous relationship between Cersei and Jaime Lannister has, in my eyes, always been problematic. Setting aside the fact that it involves incest (honestly, some could argue that's reason enough), there are so many other reasons why it could never work out between them, and the progression of the story is leading us to just that. 

First, a note on Cersei Lannister. 

I had begun to dislike Cersei from the very start of the series, but my feelings were fixated after I read A feast for crows. It didn't, of course, marr my enjoyment of her POV chapters. To me, reading some parts of her story involved equal portions of amusement and disbelief. Her internal monologue, laced with malice for almost everyone she encountered, was at times, cringeworthy. Sometimes, I had to pause, put my book aside, and dwell on just how far she went with her delusions and what that meant for her.  

Some might say that her paranoia was justified. Isn't she facing imminent death at the hands of a 'valonqar'? Doesn't she have proof to support the fact that the Tyrells were, in fact, the perpetrators in her son's death? Yes, I will not be the one to deny that. Cersei Lannister is not the first person to do everything in her literal power to thwart a fate that has been prophesized to be unfortunate, to lash out blindly with a club as if to deter her destiny. But it has caused harm to so many innocent people, and that has never bothered her, not in the least. In her fits of rage, she is sometimes callously cruel, even to those she loves (and that list is shorter than her temper). 

By Dance with Dragons, of course, I had begun to pity her, because yes, no matter how horrible a person she was, she deserved none of what the insurgent, radically insane Faith Militant doled out for her (the same Faith Militant, which, in a move that she believed was a stroke of genius, she allowed to be freed from their restrictions), but I am afraid that was all the empathy that I could muster. 

To Cersei, the only person worth protecting in Westeros is herself, and her children. She wants them to bend to her will, because only she knows what's right for them. She may have been trying to protect Tommen, with his best interests at heart, but unarguably, the two do not have the best mother-child relationship. As a matter of fact, Cersei did not have that with any of her children. In Joffrey, she encouraged the streak of blatant brutality, in fact even stating that her son's willfulness was his best quality as it would keep him out of trouble in the treacherous mire that King's Landing was. I have no doubt that she was trying to be a good mother, but I also suspect she was anything but that in Tommen's eyes. 

In her defense, one can also add that she believed that she was shielding her children from the worst effects of the waves of war that crashed around them. In some instances, however, it seemed to me that she was using the protection of her children as an excuse to assuage, or even absolve herself of blame in the face of the hair raising atrocities that she subjected some of her people to (Blue bard and Falyse). Here is what she thinks after she torments the Blue Bard into admitting to a lie that would aid in framing Margaery-

Getting the truth was wearisome work, and she dreaded what must follow. I must be strong. What I must do for Tommen and the realm. It was a pity that Maggy the Frog was dead. Piss on your prophecy, old woman. The little queen may be younger than I, but she has never been more beautiful, and soon she will be dead. 

In this statement, Cersei imputes all that she does to Tommen and the realm, and then, in the very same stream of thought, goes on to dwell over Maggy the Frog and her own motives for wanting Margaery dead. So while Cersei may tell herself all she wants that all of her actions benefit her children alone, they are, in the end, rooted in her own desire to put the stopper on the prophecy that predicts her ousting from power and death. 

Cersei is also a woman who believes that everyone takes her opinions with a pinch of salt because of her gender. Her entire life, she has seen firsthand the yawning black chasm of differentiation that exists between women and men in Westeros. Her father had always sought to sell her like a commodity to men she never wished to marry, even as her twin was allowed to tread the path to glory. This is, of course, the very picture of injustice, one that exists in the entirety of Westeros. All of our fortuitous female characters, from Sansa to Arya to Brienne to Asha have been subjected to this form of discrimination.

But how did Cersei choose to react to this inequity? By believing that she had been cursed by being born into the wrong gender, that women were weak and vapid and soft and could only wield power with the 'charms of their sex' and what was 'between their legs'. She eyes most women with distaste and contempt and distances herself from every frail thing that she has associated with femininity and looks to find 'masculine traits' within her, traits which will help her manage the realm as efficiently as her father. Womanly emotions are viewed as nugatory by her, and even when she is queen, she does not do much to alleviate the condition of women in Westeros, botherations not very different from her own. Instead of shunning the flawed paradigm of women that so many men in Westeros hold, she believes it, and begrudges her fate for having been born a woman.

Okay, so Cersei Lannister may not be my absolute favorite character, but seeing as how everything in her life is in a jumbled disarray, and how she is treading the fine line between suspicion and full blown paranoia, she deserves to be freed from any other exigency that weighs her down, including destructive or toxic relationships in her life, which is what her brother needs too, maybe more than her. Where best to start but with each other?

When one person truly loves another person, they will go out of their way to ensure that they do all they can to ease any suffering the other person may be enduring, even if they have to put aside their own sorrows for the moment or if not that, at least listen to the other person and then relay their own difficulties. Even listening to someone talk about their worries can go a long way in making them feel better. 

Now, when Jaime came back from Riverrun, miamed both physically and mentally, he practically rushed to Cersei, and didn't even wait for her to consent before proceeding to make love to her. He knew that Cersei had lost a son. Albeit a monstrous one, she was still his sister, and he should have been more understanding of the circumstances.

And Cersei? She was repulsed by his stump. Instead of bolstering his already frangible self esteem, she went on to reveal her own intentions and plans to him, hoping to rope him in, all for her own benefit, even going so far as to asking him to quit the Kingsguard (an institution she had once asked him to join for her own purposes). And when he refused? 

Was it your hand they hacked off in Harrenhal, or your manhood? 

You great golden fool. He's lied to you a thousand times, and so have I. 

Oh, an angry cripple. How terrifying. A pity Lord Tywin Lannister never had a son. I could have been the heir he wanted, but I lacked a cock. 

It is clear from their interaction that Cersei was thinking only of herself and of the problems that she would soon encounter, not sparing much thought for her brother's conflict and pain. 

While I do not doubt that Cersei and Jaime loved each other as they grew up together in Casterly Rock, I do know that this love must have begun purely as the love that brothers and sisters share, and in their case, a deeper bond of twinhood. This was warped by their thoughtless experimentations later, and as the years advanced and they continued to attach a sexual relationship to it, they twisted the sinuous connection even further. 

I do not think they were ever in love. Cersei Lannister surely wasn't. Even as a little girl, she had dreamed of marrying Rhaegar, dreamed of soaring into the gaping skies with him upon the scaly back of a majestic dragon. Her love for her brother, which had begun as platonic, was only sexual for sating her own needs. For lack of a better analogy, his role in her life could be likened to a bloodrider. 

I name you ko, and ask your oath, that you should live and die as blood of my blood, riding at my side to keep me safe from harm. 

-An oath asked of a bloodrider

They were the khal's brothers, his shadows, his fiercest friends. "Blood of my blood," Drogo called them, and so it was; they shared a single life.

In my opinion, this is pretty much how Cersei views Jaime. A man who is hers, to protect her, live and die for her and vanquish her enemies. She loved him, and he pleasured her, but she was never in love with him. She believed that he was, wholeheartedly, and that she deserved to use that to her advantage, which was what she did most of their life (Prominent instances that stand out to me- Persuading him to join the Kingsguard and asking him to miam or kill Arya on sight if he found her in Darry). When he began to demonstrate his heedlessness to her wishes, she began to regard him differently- He had changed, and he was a thorn in her side. He was supposed to assist her in whatever she did, and if he couldn't do that, she had to send him away. 

As for Jaime, he had painted an entirely inaccurate picture of the relationship in his mind. In his ideally rose tinted imaginings, he was the Warrior and Cersei was the Maiden. He believed he loved her for her uproarious flames, but he never gazed deep enough to see the crucible of untamed wildfire. She believed she loved him for his undying fierceness, but never quite took the time to see the contrariant idealism and carefully buried trauma shoved away inside. Neither of them knew or understood the other entirely, they 'loved' each other because they had projected the image of who they believed each other to be on to themselves. The curtains were flung from their eyes in the gales of the personal tribulations that they had to face (particularly for Jaime, who was forced to re-evaluate his whole life). 

After discovering that his sister hadn't been as loyal to him as he had to her, and encountering aspects of her that he didn't knew existed, he thinks-

I thought that I was the Warrior and Cersei was the Maid, but all the time she was the Stranger, hiding her true face from my gaze. 

And here is an excerpt from his conversation with Daven which highlights his disillusionment-

"How is Cersei? As beautiful as ever?"

"Radiant." Fickle. "Golden." False as a fool's gold. 

He also dreamed of finding her in bed with Moon Boy and in the very same dream, proceeded to smash her teeth in, which is a very violent form of expression of the dismay in his sub-conscious mind. 

But the one scene that sums his disenchantment up the best is when he throws this letter by Cersei into the fire-

Come at once. Help me. Save me. I need you now as I have never needed you before. I love you. I love you. I love you. Come at once."

When Cersei sends this letter to Jaime, her need is truly dire. Her sending such a letter and Jaime's reaction upon receiving it both reflect exactly what their relationship has come to. 

While Cersei knows that Jaime could not possibly be of any aid to her without his sword hand, she wants him by her side, because isn't that how it has always been? He was meant to protect her. They were meant to die together. He had to come. 

And Jaime? He chose not to go. 

He chooses not to go when the woman he is supposedly in love with needs him the most. 

She has never come to me, he thought, She has always waited, letting me come to her. She gives, but I must ask. 

Could it be attributed to his rage at being betrayed? Possibly. But how long can rage last in the face of truly eternal love, and particularly a loved one in mortal peril? Jaime chose to ignore Cersei's request because he no longer wanted to give up everything for a woman who was, in all probability, only going to require him for that purpose. He was not about to put everything on the line for a woman whose shrouded true face had slowly begun to come into the light. He was a knight of the Kingsguard, entrusted with an important task, and he meant to see it through. He didn't leave, even though he knew it could mean a terrible punishment for Cersei, or even death. 

Jaime had started to discover other priorities in his life, and Cersei had begun to see him for just who he was. Both of them had. How can two completely different people with a set of conflicting beliefs, who don't see eye to eye, and who dream of things that the other could never possibly comprehend, ever summon true love within themselves for each other? Can a woman who has viewed love as a sweet poison ever look beyond to realise what the liberation and wonderment of love truly entails? Love isn't poison. The absence of love is. Can a man who has distorted sibling love and attached a component of lust to it ever see how truly falling in love with someone is like?

I sure hope they can (though in Cersei's case, sadly, it is unlikely) and I also understand that it is implausible so long as they continue to view each other as lovers. 

Theirs isn't a tragic love story. It isn't a love story at all. 

And beautiful, wonderful, Brienne of Tarth deserves her own love story, and I really hope that she finds it with the man she has begun to love. 

Note-Excerpts from the books in italics.

[chocolategate]

Even Gods Love Frogs

Link to read on Ao3

Warnings: None

Rating: Gen

Relationships: Darcy & Thor friendship

Wordcount: 2k

Tags: Fluff, Animals, Darcy Loves Cats

I wrote this little thing for @pinkcoffeefrog.  

Thanks for beta reading @dresupi

“Wasn't Morris the cutest?” Darcy asked Thor as he flipped through a photo album of her childhood.

“He was indeed,” Thor answered. The photographs of a younger Darcy amused him. Her gap-toothed grin had stayed much the same, though her spectacles were far smaller and more flattering now. The orange feline in that particular picture hung in her arms as if he couldn't support his own body. “Was he a youngling?”

Darcy shook her head. “He was already fully grown by the time I was born. He's about nine in that picture.”

Thor frowned. That couldn't be true. Earth's beasts were indeed smaller than those on other planets, but according to a television program she'd shown him, some of the world's most deadly creatures were felines. The one she was holding was no larger than his forearm.

Darcy trailed her fingertip gently over the picture. “He was my best buddy. I miss having a cat.”

The sadness in her voice caught Thor off guard. He didn't understand much about the whims of Midgardians, but Darcy’s sadness hit him particularly hard. She was a brave warrior, much like himself. Sadness didn’t become her.  

“Can you not acquire another?”

She sighed and shut the photo book before hauling herself up off the couch to return it to its place on her overcrowded bookshelf. “My landlord doesn't allow pets.”

“Surely such a tiny creature would not be a nuisance.”

She huffed a laugh. “You'd think that, but cats can be kind of destructive. A lot of places around here don't allow pets of any kind, or if they do you have to pay a hefty deposit. Maybe someday, though,” she said with a tight smile that barely even lifted her cheeks.

She disappeared into the kitchen and left Thor sitting on the couch, stewing in his thoughts. There had to be some way for Darcy to have a cat. He would have to ask one of his other companions for advice.

On a rare Saturday afternoon that it wasn’t raining, Thor and Darcy walked to a nearby pet store. Thor had stopped by previously and learned it hosted local animal rescues almost every weekend and donated a portion of their proceeds for pet supplies back to those same rescues. The public was welcome, whether they wanted to adopt or simply spend some time playing with the animals.

As soon as the cat area came into view, Darcy squealed and Thor allowed her to pull him by the hand to the edge of the pen.

One of the volunteers, a kind-faced woman with graying hair got up to greet them.“Hi there, are you here to adopt or to play?”

“Just to play this time,” Darcy answered, the barest hint of that earlier sadness in her voice.

The woman let them into the pen, closing it behind them to keep all the wandering kittens in.

Darcy immediately dropped to her knees with the widest smile Thor had ever seen on her face. His heart swelled knowing he'd helped put it there.

He squatted down as well and observed a few of the cats before settling his attention on a sleek black one hiding beneath the table with the adoption paperwork. He scooted close enough to reach the cat, then waited patiently until it grew curious and took a few steps toward his outstretched hand. It glared up at him through piercing green eyes.

“Your coloring reminds me of my brother,” Thor said as the cat sniffed at his fingers. It turned away with a dismissive sneeze and he chuckled. “As does your countenance.”

He left the cat in peace and turned to where he'd left Darcy.

She was still on the ground in the middle of the pen, but now she had three kittens hanging from her sweater by their claws and two more in her arms. When he caught her eye she grinned and said, “This is literally the best day of my life.”

He crawled over and gave the biggest one, a handsome gray and white fellow, a scratch between the ears. It looked up and bit down on his fingertip with its sharp incisors. He let it chew fruitlessly on his finger for a minute, then pulled the digit free and said, “You have a warrior's spirit.”

“That one is pretty feisty,” Darcy agreed.

Thor brought the kitten close to his face and murmured, “May you be as mighty as Freyja's cats of old. I wish you a long and prosperous life, little one,” before setting the kitten back on the newspaper covered floor.

Several loud barks echoed through the store, startling some of the cats.

“I didn't know they had dogs,” Darcy said, comforting one of the frightened kittens in her arms.

Thor rose to his feet. “I should like to see these dogs.”

“Sure, dude. Go play with all the slobber-mouths. Just come back and get me when you're ready to go.”

She seemed content on her own, so he set off to explore. His first stop was the dog area. Most were significantly larger and more hearty than the cats had been, though several of the smallest appeared to be more cat than dog. One large golden dog reminded him of Captain Rogers if he were a dog.

He didn't linger there long, despite the warm feelings he got when the dogs licked his hands. The store housed a wide variety of animals, and he wanted to see all that he could of Midgard's “pets” while he could.

He passed some small hairy creatures, some tiny with long tails, others larger with no tails at all. Their information tags informed him they were mice, hamsters, and guinea pigs. There was also an enclosure with three long, sleek animals called ferrets. They looked like something Loki might like.

Toward the back of the store, away from the warm wriggling mammals, he finally found what he was looking for: a large wall of glass tanks cleverly camouflaged with leaves and logs to resemble a forest environment.

He peered inside one of them, grinning as wide as Darcy had when he spotted a snake coiled comfortably beneath a heat lamp. He hadn't seen one in centuries. As a boy, he'd spent vast amounts of time exploring the rougher terrain of Asgard, often with a cold-blooded companion or two, but once he matured and took on more responsibility for the realm, he had less time for such activities.

He hadn't been aware that Midgard was home to such creatures. Granted, this one was far smaller than any he'd come across before, but that made it even better. It could fit in his pocket. He'd be quite happy with a pocket snake.

He took his time and searched each of the rest of the containers with his eyes until he located their inhabitants. As with the cats, the creatures were smaller than he was used to, but he wasn't shocked until he came to the end of the aisle, where he found a species he'd never encountered before.

Unlike snakes, these creatures had four legs and short, round bodies. Their thin, wide-set mouths and large eyes gave them a friendly quality, and he squatted down to read the information posted beside each tank.

Frogs, they were called.

A vibrant green one with a thin white stripe down its side clung to the glass wall of the tank with its translucent toe pads and scooted away when he pressed a finger to the glass near its body. It was alone in its tank.

The next tank held five frogs, each no larger than the tip of his little finger and brilliant yellow with black stripes. The information sheet boasted of their poisonous skin and Thor grinned. It seemed even the smallest of Midgard's creatures were well equipped to take care of themselves.

That was one thing he admired most about the planet. Everything on it had such a short life span, but they all had one brilliant quality other planets could benefit from–they adapted to survive.

Thor crouched down and watched the little frogs in silent amusement until a tiny hand patted his elbow.

“Do you like frogs?” A tiny brunette, not dissimilar to Darcy, said.

“Aye, I’ve only just discovered them,” Thor replied.

“That’s neat. They used to be my favorites. Now I like ants.”

Thor hummed. There had been an ant featured on the most dangerous creatures show, so he could understand why the girl liked them.

“I have a pet one, but he’s not like other ants. He’s bigger than me.”

Thor didn’t know what to make of the statement. On the show, the ants had been quite tiny. Perhaps San Francisco was home to a giant species. It must be a fairly safe variety if the child was able to keep one as a pet.

“Have you seen these before?” He pointed to the tank of tiny yellow ones.

She leaned in to see and her face lit up.

As she cooed over the adorable little creatures, Thor  found himself wanting to introduce pets to his people. The life spans of Midgard's creatures was far too short, but perhaps Heimdall knew of a planet with creatures tame enough to be companions.

“Cassie,” a man’s voice called from nearby.

Thor rose to his feet just before the owner of the voice rounded the end of the aisle.

The man paused and several unreadable expressions flashed over his face before he settled on a pinched version of a smile. “Oh, hey there Peanut. What are you doing over here?”

The girl finally looked away from the tank and darted over to the man. “Daddy, you have to see these new frogs they got. This guy showed them to me,” she said as she dragged him by the hand to her previous spot.

Thor smiled. She reminded him of Darcy.

He noted how the man indulged the girl and chatted with her about the frogs, all while carefully positioning himself between Thor and his daughter. Thor took no offense to the protective gesture. He was far larger than most Midgardians and he was an imposing figure.

When it looked like the girl was going to spend a considerable amount of time looking at the frogs, Thor decided it was time to find Darcy.

As he walked away, the man followed him and once they were out of earshot from the girl, he said, “You look familiar. Ever spend any time in San Quentin?”

Thor shook his head. “I have not. I did spend several days in Puente Antiguo, however.”

The man’s face scrunched up the way Darcy’s did when she was thinking and Thor smiled. He saw a lot of her mannerisms in this little family.  

“I must go and find the friend I came with. Enjoy your day with your wonderful daughter. I believe she will grow into a fine warrior one day.”

His face scrunched even farther, if that was possible, and after Thor turned away, he heard the man say, “Thanks, man.”

Thor found Darcy right where he’d left her, though most of the cats around her were napping instead of using her body as a mountain for climbing.

She noticed him right away and gave him a wide, lazy smile. “You ready?”

“Only if you are satisfied.”

She removed the sleepy kittens from her person one at a time, kissing each on the nose before setting them back on the ground and spoke briefly with the woman at the desk before joining Thor outside the pen.

She hooked her arm through his offered elbow and leaned against his arm, resting her head against the pillow of his muscles.

As they walked back to Darcy’s tiny apartment, thunder rumbled through the sky above them.

Darcy glanced up at him. “Is that you?”

“No,” he replied with a soft smile. While the storms he created were indeed magnificent, he truly enjoyed Midgard’s natural weather patterns. The natural static in the air filled him with a buzzing energy that he couldn't manufacture on his own.

They were only a block from home when the skies opened up, and instead of making a run for it, Darcy paused. She tucked her glasses on the neck of her shirt and folded her jacket over them, then tilted her head up, giggling as the moisture collected on her cheeks and in her hair.

Laughter rumbled through Thor's chest and he joined her, embracing the feel of the icy droplets as they splashed against his skin.

Someday he'd find a way to get Darcy her cat, but for now this was enough.

[random-senpai]

GBF Husbando Spotlight: Rackam

IT’S HERE IT’S HERE!!!

It’s been ages since the last one, but with me sparking him and the balance patch arriving I’ve finally felt confident enough to write this. 

If you know me at all you knew this was coming, for my lust and love for thisman burns with the intensity of a thousand suns. Yes tis time for my #1 Husbando’s Spotlight, The Sexiest Meme Alive himself, Rackam!

Note: This was actually really hard to make into actual words instead of just inarticulate screaming.

The 2nd story character and first official member of the crew. He’s been with you since pretty much Day 1.

First story character to get his 5* uncap, giving him the rare wind atk- debuff and sweet new art with Tiamat.

His SSR is a great damage dealer, and with the patch one of the most reliable as long as he has a solid source of MA. Along with his passive to hit all enemies 70% of the time, now he can also build 2 stacks of Spitfire in 1 turn, giving him 40% atk boost each on a unique modifier. With Elysian he can ougi turn 4 with 3 stacks and 120% atk up. Plus Spitfire increases his ougi cap to around 3.2 mil and the chain burst to over 2 mil. Duration II is also incredibly handy against HL bosses with their OD phases being more dangerous. He shines alot in Rose Queen as he leads to a much faster break in 2nd phase and in Tiamat HL where he gives easy honors as he auto attacks all heads most of the time.

10/10 would spark again

It’s also heavily implied that Grand Series are getting their 5* uncap soon too, so his kit is going to get better. His SR gained a crit buff, mirror image, and wind atk- so there’s a good chance his SSR will too.

His personality is that of the Crew’s team dad (funny enough with the actual dads in the crew) and boy is it my weakness. He has a soft spot for children and younger members of the crew, and takes it upon himself to take care of them.

He’s an expert Helmsman and is actually quite famous for it. It’s even gotten to the point where other Helmsman ask him for his autograph. The sheer size of the Grancypher and how he managed to restore it single handedly is a testament to his skill and love for airships. And the chapter where he navigates the harsh winds of the Grim Basin is the ultimate testament to his skill.

In fact his SSR Fate episodes revolve around him helping a little girl who dreams of being a helmsman like him. When he discovers she’s in danger he goes off on his own to rescue her without endangering the rest of the crew. Of course in the end it’s too much than he can handle on his own and he gets shot. The crew comes by in time to rescue him and the girl and he realizes that everyone has grown enough for him to rely on them.

Fun fact he’s actually named after the famous pirate captain John Rackam (aka Calico Jack). The man most well known for his relationship with Anne Bonny and Mary Reed and his first mate designing the iconic Jolly Roger. 

He’s hot. Like....really hot. I fell in love with this man at first crash. That styled brunette hair.....the facial hair....the cigarette..his face. All of that gives me the ossan feel that I’m a plain sucker for. Plus his gun and even the sword he never uses just gets to me. A prime reliable Ossan design. 

HE HAS A BLUSHING IMAGE AND IT’S ADORABLE

Plus Hiroaki Hirata’s voice as him is just perfect! Older and experienced but not super old man status. I don’t know how to describe it exactly but it’s so damn attractive.

He’s 29 years old, putting him slightly above average in the crew’s rather young age range, but not as old as the clear elder members of the crew. While he has all the points of Ossan appeal (at least in my book) calling him one might be a bit of a stretch. It doesn’t stop him from feeling old though, as he talks about getting older a few times. 

He might not be the most muscular of the crew since he is one with bara gods like the Soiya Squad and Male Draphs. But he does have a nice muscular frame of his own. It’s most prominent in the meme comics and brief bits in the anime. In comics he strips time to time for certain gags revealing a nice body. In the anime he sports a black tank top for a while allowing you to see the musculature on his arms, and even takes off his armor for a bit, revealing that that the shirt he wears under it is skintight as you can make out the outlines of his pecs through the fabric. (I’m still angry he never stripped in the beach episode)

His charms have not gone unnoticed too. The man is straight up primal bait as Lyria’s Tiamat and Noa are really close to him. The little girl from his SSR fates even falls for him as she asks if he has a girlfriend in the end of the 2nd one. According to Lowain and Bros he has a decent sized following of fans as well. They described him as “the type of guy who would spoil you”. 

He’s also is pretty good with the Bass (after some practice). He plays in a band with Vryn and Aoidos. So he fills the hot dude on bass niche too.

In fact before Lowain and Bros decided on making Jin the Sexy Sensei of Albion High. He was considered for the role before they gave it to Jin, feeling that Rackam already had too many fans to be their Sensei figure.

He’s a Sexy Santa

His Christmas Fates were some of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. It literally revolves around stealing Christmas cake in the middle of the night.The second fate literally called “Friendly Feels” is a search for a Christmas tree for the crew. It ends with him holding a ladder for Vyrn, Lyria, and Gran/Djeeta to put the star on. After the star is put on and the tree is decorated he gives his thanks as he never thought he’d ever spend a Christmas like this before. The fate ends with Lyria telling him that all Christmases are going to be like this one from now on, as he smiles and while having his doubts about the certainty of her statement, enjoys the warmth of the holiday on the cold winter night.

He’s a perfect mixture of both my love for memes and hot older men. For he has not one, or two memes, BUT 3.

Legend of Rackam: Not touched upon recently but a damn good one. Rackam and his exploits are so legendary that kids years later learn of his heroic tales thanks to a wise old scholar. His frog suit meme had actual white day chocolates sent to it by fans.

DURRAY DURRAY DURATION!: Rackam’s amazing moves leave afterimages that confuse and somehow relax the enemy’s rage. A meme so powerful he taught it to others for protection and almost durrayed himself out of existence against a great foe. In fact this meme is so powerful that it’s leaked out of the Grand Blues verse into reality long ago and nobody even questions it. His Casino skin and Santa version both end battles with the Durray~ dance with sound effects and everything.

RACKAMUUUUUUUUUU!!! (also localized as plain RACKAAAAAAAM!!!): Rackam fucking explodes and dies. Well to be more specific the first Rackamuuu! didn’t even have an explosion as he died falling off the ship riding on a icicle and Katalina screamed it. However with later variation most of his deaths have been explosion related, resulting in the meme being tied to explosions now. Despite the fact that he explodes he actually ends up fine due to a scientific phenomenon known as Rackam’s Law, but details have yet to be divulged to the public from the former nobility of Iristill. 

Him and the MC/You share a very close bond due to all that they’ve gone through together. He basically entrusts the fate of the Grancypher to your judgement when he’s forced to fight you as an enemy by that little douche Gilbert.

He gets flustered around Djeeta and it’s noticeable in the voiced skins. Where he stumbles around for a bit after battle replying to her compared to his fater response to Gran.

Like most of the GBF cast come Valentines and White Day he catches feelings for the captain of the opposite gender, however unlike many he’s kind of unsettled and in denial of it due to the age gap.

It’s most detectable in the Valentines and White Day lines in year two. Year one it’s rather quick with him being flattered to get a chocolate and blushing with embarrassment when he gives the return gift on White Day.

However year two has him joke about waiting for Djeeta to give him chocolate and telling her not to think about all the serious stuff since it makes him nervous. Then he promises her to get something great for White Day.

Come White Day he calls her over to give her his present (no CG yet sadly sadly) and thanks her for always working so hard. Then he literally says “ Well, not just thanks. But I can't say any more than that, all right? You shouldn't pry into the mind of an adult, you know. “ Then says he’s gonna keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t drive other people crazy.

I probably forgot or missed something but this post is long enough.

This is most likely going to be my longest husbando spotlight solely because

I FUCKING LOVE THIS MAN

[isharkseo]

The Skills of a SEO Specialist to Succeed

1. Critical Thinking

This is a hard one to measure, but it's important for SEO pros to be able to have an analytical mind that's capable of differentiating correlation and causation.

2. Speaking & Writing Ability

An SEO professional who can do their own keyword research and author content that includes it is incredibly more valuable.

We aren't just talking about writing articles like this one or speaking at conferences though.

I want an SEO who can convince internal teams and clients to do the right thing and that comes from speaking at meetings and writing decks, case studies, POVs, etc. All of those encompass speaking and writing skills.

SEO requires not only confidence but the ability to distill complex ideas and thoughts down into concepts that non-SEO people can understand and make decisions with.

3. Technical & Programming Skills

I'm sure there's going to be some debate about this. I'm equally sure there's tons of SEO pros doing a kickass job right now with no programming knowledge whatsoever.

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The truth is, they could be doing even more of a kickass job with some programming knowledge.

As SEO professionals we make recommendations about page speed, rendering, lazy loading, server side redirects, microdata tagging, and basic HTML tags.

All of these conversations go easier if you can speak with the developer and offer insights rather than just demands.

Understanding where the developer is coming from when they push back is amazingly helpful at reconciling differences.

Estimating the level of effort vs. the SEO impact is also key. I'm not saying SEO pros need to be able to write code, but they need to understand the coding implications of the changes they ask for and what that entails for the developers, what the common mistakes and objections are, and even how to overcome them.

There are literally hundreds of crazy technical things that become easier to find with some basic programming knowledge, too. Like lazy loading for example.

Many of the common plugins will use a srcset attribute but not a src attribute for images - and Google won't be able to see those. I know that, because I tested them all and implemented them all - things I couldn't have done without some programming knowledge.

Technical knowledge also provides the ability to make your life easier - whether it's writing a quick Python script to automagically add hreflang to your XML sitemap or a PHP-based web form to automatically create backlinks for you (don't do this.)

4. Social & Drinking Skills

Over the course of my career, I've made so many great relationships and learned so much just by hanging out at the conference bars. To do that, however, you can't be a creep and you have to be able to get along with others.

If you spend your bar time arguing about politics you're going to miss out. You'll also need to be able to hold your liquor or respectfully decline - as many great SEO professionals love to drink.

Reminder: the conference bar is never the place to look for a new girlfriend/boyfriend but it's a great place to talk about SEO theory and tactics.

Nobody wants to hear about that one specific problem that only applies to your site and takes 10 minutes to explain (unless you're buying the drinks). However, they will love to hear about new and exciting things you've seen or done.

5. Analytics Skills

SEO professionals can save a lot of time if they can log into Adobe or Google Analytics and pull their own data.

A basic understanding of business KPIs is also required for proper SEO strategy.

I offer my teams the opportunity to get Adobe and Google Analytics certified because even if they aren't pulling the data, the understanding helps - but also, most of the time we end up pulling the data.

If you aren't able to pull and segment data, you're likely missing out on some insights.

6. Excel Skills

Pulling the data isn't enough. Sometimes you need to manipulate it a bit to get the insights you need.

I've met a lot of SEO pros who can't do the simplest tasks in Excel.

Vlookups, Concatenates, and IF statements (among literally 473 other functions - seriously there's 476 built-in Excel functions) should be part of every SEO's toolset.

Over the course of my career, I've created countless Excel templates that help solve everyday problems.

Whether it's turning a Screaming Frog crawl into an XML sitemap, measuring algorithm changes and their impact with GA/Adobe data, creating custom CTR by position curves, or quickly bucketing keywords from search console into brand/non-brand or by product groups, Excel is invaluable.

7. Drive, Motivation & Adaptability

The thing I both love and hate about working in SEO is that it doesn't just turn off at 5 p.m.

Marketing isn't one of those jobs that you leave at the office every night. It stays with you in your brain.

To truly be a great at SEO these days you have to have the internal drive that forces you to keep learning.

Whether it's a new programming language, a new framework (WordPress, React, Angular, etc), a new search engine standard like Schema or AMP, or understanding machine learning, there's always something to learn.

The candidates who jump to the top of my hiring list are the ones who have their own side project websites or who create their own tools to solve their problems. For example: using the webmaster tools API to automate data pulling and formatting for reports. I just hired that person.

SEO also requires adaptability and thick skin. Our industry changes, and sometimes we have to admit to clients that directory submissions, PageRank sculpting, link disavows, or other things we once recommended aren't really the best idea anymore.

It's about putting the client's goals first - sometimes ahead of SEO revenue opportunities. (I told you I was going to start an argument in the tweets leading up to this article.)

8. A Sense of Humor

We deal with a lot of ups and downs in the SEO industry - and often at a fast pace.

It's important to sometimes take a step back and remember that we aren't saving lives, we're just doing marketing.

As stressful as the job can be, most of it can wait til tomorrow. A sense of humor goes a long way toward making our jobs a lot more enjoyable and productive.

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