#hyperfocused for like 3 hours on this btw

[euxellis]

In the autumn of his blood, he will siphon your hurt to a child dying of thirst; the only inheritance of worth in the village of your synapses. But—for now—he’s still your boy. Sweet little wreck. Check the room you’ve locked him in. Insomiac, Saeed Jones

The Other Side of the Bed, Bhavya Kaushik // Prime Defenders, Season 2 Episode 32 // alocasiasea on Twitter // Prime Defenders. Season 1 Episode 24 // Telemachus, Ocean Vuong // Ordinary People, Judith Guest // Prime Defenders, Season 1 Episode 19 // Hour Between Dog & Wolf, Saeed Jones // Prime Defenders, Season 1 Episode 19 // Interview with Richard Siken, Green Linden Press // Last Portrait as Boy, Saeed Jones // Prime Defenders, Season 1 Episode 19 // Prime Defenders, Season 2 Episode 32 // Hamnet, Maggie O'Farrell // Prime Defenders, Season 1 Episode 19 // The Last Of Us, Episode 9 // Prime Defenders, Season 1 Episode 19

[isa-ghost]

Could I mayhaps have some hc!philza headcanons? Could be him in his hardcore, or how his time in hardcorr affects him now maybe? :D

OUGH YES.

So these will be operating off the theory that qPhil is hcPhil with his memory fucked up by the Federation. I'm gonna aim for "pre island, this is how qPhil was" but we'll see what happens as I actually write these LOL

What if I call these Pre-Dilf Edition in the masterlist SKFJSKFJSKFHF

10/10 would read the hardcore deity set I did recently to go with these :D

qPhil headcanons masterlist

He either had a flawless sleep schedule (early to bed early to rise ass mf) or no sleep schedule at all (spending 3+ nights hyperfocused on smth). It made for a very loopy Phil sometimes, which his murder of crows very much enjoyed

This man can fit so much joy and whimsy in him. Everything is awesome, everything is a breathtaking work of art and everything is decades of rich history to uncover. He loves life, he loves the passage of time, he loves teaching the murder about what he finds & restores

That's his main hobby besides being a survivalist, restoration and an informal form of archiving. He sketches the builds, takes notes on the deities, adds his own little touches to each place to make it a little prettier

He could fly for hours. Sometimes he'd fly aimlessly into late into the night, too immersed in sight-seeing and chatting with the murder

He had little altars in Flowerfall, Nether Void & Greater Spawn Islands for OO, BE, and Rose respectively. He'd leave little shiny things, trinkets that made him think of them, offerings like cooked fish or blaze rods or flowers in little offering bowls. Just as a nice, more direct way of giving them thanks for creating something so beautiful and allowing him to restore it to its former glory

He fucking loves swimming and fishing and hanging out at Endlantis, he'd just very aggressively avoid the cave that is EK's tomb. It was extremely haunted, he never got good vibes down there

He sometimes considers making his own remarkable build as a sort of "I was here, I too am a mark upon this history" but looks at his house and is like "mmmmbetter not" (he's an idiot, he could 100% build something cool, just probably not on the scale of the builds the gods have created. He'd probably create it for Goddess of Death, not even himself 💀)

Obligatory gapple addiction mention. It didn't start because of the murder, but he definitely used them as an excuse to further indulge once he started devoting eating one to the crows who'd been in the murder for a year. He never really had a reason to quit, or worry about the addiction, so he never experienced negative effects from it. Gapples aren't exactly harmful, just.. tinged with just enough magic to infect the brain. (He never experienced withdrawal misery on QI bc the Feds wiped his memory so his body had no idea it should be having a bitch fit =) )

Semi-related, he loved the days where he and the murder lacked the motivation and focus to do restoration things so they'd just fuck off in a random direction for ages and go on loot sprees. Nothing more exciting than hunting for more god apples :D

He started out liking fishing. The murder got too obsessed and it became the bane of his existence. But he loves the murder, so he does it anyway. Besides, he wouldn't trade chill talks with them for the world. :')

Btw he doesn't know this but it was equal parts the Ender King & the Feds ripping rifts between the universes that got him caught and taken to QI. EK didn't plan for that to happen, he just wanted to escape to a new reality to find a vessel to come back to power. Which is why once Phil was on the island, EK went "Fuck it, I'll use that asshole since he's not only compatible, but from the same plane of existence"

Mobs never scared him much (except Enderman) despite the fact that they were very dangerous and he's a survivalist. He was practically a mob whisperer, it's how he trapped trophy ones, made certain farms and why he was 99% fearless when farming charged creepers. QI has so many mobs he's never seen in his life that his chill instincts are suddenly like AAAWTFWTF

He never felt truly alone despite being the only humanoid. He felt like Rose was always with him, very rarely OO, and the murder ofc. He could understand them and he'd talk to them all day every day. Not only that, he had pets like Pog and Champ and there were quite a few times he'd humanize inanimate objects, which scientifically helps keep you sane in isolation such as survival. He always felt like he had Something to socialize with

That said, he IS still a bit weird socially on the island. Socializing with humans is way different than crows, other animals, gods, and objects.

Btw Ian is God of Chaos (a lesser god like Goddess of Death) and other mods like Birder, D3 & Wolfy are notably larger or perhaps a different species of corvid that hang out among the murder :D

[zebrapancake]

Is it normal to feel so so happy when I have a day where I got out of bed atleast 3 hours before class, got my packages from the mail room before class, went to class, did work AFTER I CAME BACK FROM CLASS, and showered, ate, and got ready for bed with little to no internal struggle? Oh I also was able to calm myself down from spiraling while doing work by doing the breathing exercises that my therapist recommended AND I only played Baldur's gate for 2 hours instead of hyperfocusing and playing for 6 hours straight, 3 days in a row!!! (I have ADHD btw) Like this is my definition of a great day. I feel like this should just be the norm but instead what makes me feel so happy and fulfilled is just being able to do everyday things without having to fight myself tooth and nail to do it

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

Totally random and not my usual topic, but my skin issues have gotten loads better since I started doing at home skin peels. If you have acne or other skin issues, this is an affordable and powerful option to be aware of.

I’m not gonna endorse any brands or anything, but here's some info for anyone interested:

at home skin peels are way more affordable than the same treatments done in spas/clinics. They are available online without a prescription, can cost as little as $15, and last up to a year (depending on how frequently you use it).

however, many of these are professional strength, so you have to do your research and follow the guidelines, and always patch test. at home peels can be remarkably effective, but can cause real damage when not done properly.

you also need to follow proper aftercare procedures (e.g. moisturizer and sunscreen are mandatory).

fortunately, these things are not that difficult to learn! I learned by reading a bunch of online how-to guides. Here is a beginner’s guide to get you started, and here are examples of more detailed instructions: link 1 link 2

I don’t know anything about different brands (I just chose products with decent reviews in my price range), but the main things to keep in mind when choosing a peel are the acid type and solution strength.

choose the acid type based on the skin issues you want to treat. for example, I alternate between salicylic acid (for acne), and glycolic acid (for acne scars and texture issues). There are plenty of other options.

chose the solution strength based on how strong you want the effects to be. For example, a 10-15% solution probably won’t cause peeling or redness, but the results will be less dramatic (but it is a good place to start if you are unsure what your skin will tolerate). I use 30 to 40% solutions, and experience minor peeling for 2-3 days afterwards. there are stronger options, such as 70%, but these require experience and serious research before using, as they require different prep and aftercare, and come with a much higher risk of accidental misuse (read: chemical burns). PH and acid type also factors into true peel strength.

When choosing a peel strength, keep in mind your own knowledge of your skin’s sensitivity. Not everyone's skin responds the same; when in doubt err on the side of caution. It’s better to work your way up to stronger peels as needed. (And you can use the weaker ones more frequently/leave them on longer as needed).

I’m also a fan of using peels to spot treat (as opposed to doing the whole face at once). I do a full peel every 3-6 weeks, and use q-tips to spot treat individual breakouts as needed.

You can also buy kits, which are more expensive but may be easier to use, and include extra products. For example, some include a neutralizing spray (I just use a baking soda-water mixture), and hyaluronic acid serums (very good for moisturizing afterwards, but you can use generic moisturizers too, which you may already have lying around at home).

Skin peels also work for body acne and other body skin issues. Apparently some peels are also a treatment option for eczema.

final note: be sure not to use retinol products in the days before and after a skin peel, since that thins the skin and increases the risk of damage. treat your skin very gently as it heals, avoiding other treatments (such as facial waxing, depilatories, etc).

anyway. I have spent very little money and gotten very good results, much better than with drug store products. so if that appeals to you, do your research!

personally I'm just fantastically smug that for like $45 bucks a year I'm getting the same stuff people pay hundreds a month for at spas. nothing makes my skin glow like the sheer malicious pleasure of cheating the system

ko-fi

[cozymochi]

🌻

😳 ok I KINDA WANNA SAY THIS REAL QUICK BUT I - IT’S GOOD I SWEAR

Today was my last final, and it was for my character design/storyboarding course. Which btw, weirdest experience of my life, (affectionate). And the final was creating a 30 second animatic from our own original scripts/characters. Rife for insanity right? We had 3 weeks to do it, then show up on the final to review.

So for 3-4 hours we sat there, watched all of them, had to critique all the animatics made one at a time. And throughout that first hour and a half my nerves and anxiousness were through the roof because I just??? Y’know when you aren’t going first and your feelings just stew for a long time and criticizing retrospection kicks in? That happened. Especially cuz my animatic deviated from my og script a lot, and a myriad of other minor nitpicks i hyperfocused on in my waiting time until I was gonna explode. I always feel the worst about my work prior to any formal discussions.

So throughout the whole critique my nerves got worse because the Prof was REALLY GOING IN on these people’s final project animatics. I mean full on dissection for a guy whose been pretty lax.

So everybody’s animatics were being dissected to hell and back on why they don’t work or don’t read/flow well. Every single one so far went through like 20~ minute long dirges (which they took in stride tbh). So after stewing for an hour and only listening to scathing reviews, I was absolutely prepping to be destroyed.

EXCEPT 😳😳😭 hfgdfd WHEn mY turn came and my animatic was watched, mY eNtiRe critique wAs just dissecting what makes mine “SO GOOD” 😭😭😭💕lt’S beEN HOURS AND IM STILL REELINGGG,,, i can’t even define how relieving and good that felt,,, .... and I saved the class chat reactions because they fill me with serotonin (...it was a hybrid course this year) 🥺💕💕 then my nerves finally stopped being mean and i was just like AAAAAA and I GOT CLAPS!!!!! That’s such a dumb thing to tack on at the end. Very “and everyone on the bus clapped” but i did get that 😭. It was def the shortest one BUT AT LEAST IT WAS THE HAPPIEST ONE AAAAAA

So that’s how my character design/storyboard class ended. I was validated and the comment “i’d watch this if this was gonna be it’s own show!!!” sticks with me because

wouldn’t that be nice :,)

[kissesandcream]

PLEASE my classes are starting next week and I won't have much time to grind <//3 so im playing whenever I can to make as much progress as possible before my classes start ;; UHM, the ones on my new team atm is hu tao as main dps, kaeya as burst support, mona as support and bennett as a healer and atk booster :D it used to be xingqiu in mona's place but mona came home and her ult is really good for hu tao ult one shots hsghmd AND team resonance is like bonuses for your team, just like how artifacts have 2pc bonuses and 4pc bonuses, hu tao's team has pyro resonance which gives an 18% atk boost :D pyro resonance is really helpful hHHH I wanted venti TT but instead I got a razor and a c2 benny but im not complaining bcuz ive been wanting bennett, still surprised that I survived until ar52 without bennett nghwjjh bro I hope you get better! and I wish you good luck on your midterms as well !! but hhHhhHH I really hope that your sickness goes shoo shoo soon ;; OOOO my favorite npc is Katheryne hghdkh I see her everyday and I think I just became attached BUT my second favorite is herbalist gui in Liyue! do I even have to give a reason, herbalist gui is so sweet <33 OH AND what server do you play on? :O maybe we can play sometime when you're not too busy bcuz hgvhasgd I want more genshin buddies ;; but im too socially awkward to join random peoples worlds ( I play on both na and asia btw if you wanted to know ! although my na is sort of abandoned atm now that im hyperfocused on hu tao in asia ) ➤ with even more long rambles, 🐚 anon <3 yk I can just keep typing and typing abt genshin for hours but I won't do that bcuz it will be too long HBVHMGX

gl for ur classes!! irl school starts for me next month and i'm terrified since i'm new and know no one,,, also ive finished literally nothing LMAO

omg thats a good team!!! elemental reactions seem useful. i've never built a team with lots of them bc i have two anemos and a geo aside from kaeya 😭 hopefully i can change that with beidou <333

i have a c1 mona from the standard banner and i have no clue how she works so i never built her 😭 i used her for a bit though to freeze stuff bc dodging is overated amiright

razor is a sweetie i want to build him too but he'd need a whole team to work with him and i do not have the resources for that,,, also beidou is an electro claymore too and i wanna build different kinds of characters 😤 i got bennett very recently!! i didnt even have enough stuff to ascend him at lvl 20 bc i used all my pyro vines on diluc- but itll be nice to have a pyro healer once i get around to building him 😌

aaAAa i hope my midterms are easy T^T its been a long time since ive written a proper test so im concerned but i try not to think too much about it hah

ooo ive never interacted with gui before :0 and yes katheryne is so sweet, even if i cut her off at ad as- everyday 

my fav npc is tepei from inazuma!! idk why im so attached he was in the archon quest for like two scenes,,, HES SO SWEET THO 

i play on na!! i dont have a lot of genshin buddies too and everytime i join a random persons world and become friends with them something bad happens so i stopped LOL pls do dm me ur uid tho id love to play with u!!

[leostudyblr]

studying sucks as someone with adhd/add

and that’s not talked about nearly enough! in general and in the studyblr community.

i’m making this “guide” (of sorts) to, at the very least, let adhd/add ppl who struggle in school know that they’re not alone!

(also, just for reference, for the rest of this post i will be referring to adhd and add people as just adhd, because that is the official diagnosis for both. just know that i’m not excluding y’all inattentive types!!)

btw: neurotypical/non adhd studyblr are allowed and 100% encouraged to reblog this post!

distractions. my mortal enemy

writing this post is literally my distraction from writing my english essay. which is weird because i’m actually interested in the topic of my essay!

so why am i hyperfocusing on something completely unnecessary?

in short, because dopamine! that bastard.

long version is that people with adhd have unusually low levels of dopamine (the happy chemical, if you weren’t aware!) in their brain. this makes it extremely hard to stop doing something that is giving you dopamine and switch to something that won’t give you that sweet sweet dopamine.

in my case, it means that it’s hard to stop writing this post (which is about something i’m very passionate about, albeit hypocritical of me) and write my essay (which i’m also passionate about, but that includes writing an essay).

also, under this category i’d like to mention something that i found on the wikipedia page for hyperfocus that is just a great explanation of adhd!

“Some types of ADHD are a difficulty in directing one's attention (an executive function of the frontal lobe), not a lack of attention.”

thanks, wikipedia! what a nice helpful source. (note: wikipedia is a great resource that we all use, but that doesn’t mean you are bound to donate. don’t, if you don’t want to. they don’t have a fundraiser going on at the time of writing this, but.... still. don’t feel bad. other people will donate, and wikipedia will stay running.)

^ can you tell i’m adhd. geez. ok moving on

(another sidenote: apparently i lied. as soon as i went on another wikipedia page, they asked me to donate. damnit)

how do i... stop getting as distracted?

first off, understand that hyperfocus/lack of focus is part of your condition. you are not broken or “bad” for not being able to focus on what you need/want to.

try a pomodoro timer. this has literally saved me so much.

try a pomodoro... with friends! let them keep you accountable and working on what you need to.

have you been watching youtube for 3 hours and haven’t gotten out of bed that entire time? get up. get moving, walk to your kitchen and get a snack! some water, for god’s sake. take your snack time to think about what you need to work on and decide on one thing to do before you get another snack.

“but i can’t do just one task at a time! i’m better at multitasking!”

might i suggest fidget toys? i used to say that i was great at multitasking—no. no one is good at multitasking, it’s just not human nature to multitask. just trust me on this one, aight?

btw, sleep. not sleeping will only make it harder to focus on the things you have to do!!

if you take meds: take your frickin meds, dude. like seriously. take them.

if you don’t take meds and want to: talk to your doctor asap. tell them your concerns, and how adhd affects your life on a daily basis. and stimulant meds are not the only option!! be open to suggestions from your doctor, but if you feel like they don’t get what you’re going through: you gotta tell them again. give them more info, because what you tell them is literally the only way they’ll know something is wrong.

getting. overwhelmed. a trap that’s too easy to fall into

lord knows i’ve been overwhelmed. i’m overwhelmed right now. maybe you’ve been sick, or there was a really hard assignment in this class or that, and you had an exam in three classes over a two day time period—i get it. and you felt like this was your year! you were doing so well! but now you have late work in multiple classes and you’re not sure what to actually... do for those assignments.

a lot of this overwhelmed business has to do with not knowing how to start. you have this pile of work to do, how are you supposed to do any of it when there’s just so much and you know you can’t possibly get it all done.

“try and do one thing,” people will say

“just start! it’ll be easier once you start,” people will continue saying

“but it’s too much,” you’ll argue

“you don’t have to do all of it,” they’ll argue back, and you’ll realise that they’re right but it’s so easy for them. for you it’s like pulling teeth to start writing that essay outline or to start working on those chemistry problems. it feels like there’s no point if you don’t finish it—if you can’t turn it in, what’s even the point?

hey. i feel you. ppl w/o executive dysfunction just don’t understand how your brain works differently. and that’s not your fault.

the main thing i can say is: talk to people who do understand. 

your friends that have seen you struggling in school forever? they get it. maybe they don’t understand exactly how you do things differently, but they see the grief you go through each year just to survive.

if you don’t talk to people about what’s going on in your life, you’re gonna explode. like actually.

so how do i stop from getting overwhelmed?

talk about your stress early on, before it’s “too late”

that said, it’s never too late. it is NEVER too late to get help.

you got friends who have the same classes as you? have you made friends in your classes? ask them for clarification on assignments, if it’s too scary to go to the teacher.

i know that for me, at least, it doesn’t even cross my mind to ask my teacher about these supposedly silly thing! but i’ve started trying to take into account that if it’s preventing me from knowing where to start something, it’s not silly. it’s something that i need to ask about.

if you can afford to do so, consider asking your doctor if they can refer you to a therapist. this comes from someone with zero experience in therapy (altho i really want to! it just hasn’t worked out that way yet.), so take it with a HEAVY grain of salt. i just know that from other’s experiences, it has helped them immensely.

self esteem. what’s that?

with all this getting distracted and overwhelmed, it’s easy to confuse your adhd with yourself. yes, you have adhd, but it’s not all of you. and did you know that adhd people have enhanced creativity? you probably did, actually. isn’t it amazing that people with adhd have figured out how to persevere and live in a world not built for us!

now, i’d like to address some common self-esteem issues in adhd individuals and why it’s all your brain tricking you!

feeling down about our abilities.

this can mean not feeling good enough when you fail to do something that you previously thought you could do easily.

this is your brain trying to tell you that you can do better than this, but the signal is getting messed up somewhere along the way! when something doesn’t turn out as well as you want it to, you have to take that and push down the urge to beat yourself up about it and use that disappointment and turn it into self improvement!

comparing ourselves to neurotypical people.

“why can everyone else do it, and not me?”

because your brain isn’t built to work like that, silly! you need to think hard about why you can’t do it the same way as them—and find a way to accomplish the same goal but with a method that works for you.

it feels like we get more criticism than praise.

listen. maybe you are getting more criticism than praise—and that sucks! like absolutely, positively fuckin sucks. but more than likely:

that’s the rsd baby. your mind naturally takes criticism as a personal attack, AND it amplifies it in your mind! double whammy, if you will. this is why having someone to talk to who supports you is so important, so you can have an outside source telling you that you don’t deserve to feel like shit. because you don’t.

thanks for getting through this post ☺

all bases of the art in this post come from this website of open source sketchy illustrations!!

i sincerely hope that this has been at all helpful. if you have anything to add onto this post i encourage you to do so! if you have any questions about anything in this post, feel free to hmu at my ask box !!!

[2019chevytrax]

0302 content

0302 knows it doesnt have to calibrate to me every time but it does it anyway just because robot horny. and no other amae units really do that. it isnt even sure why until i think i introduce it to even the idea of Robot Horny and then it kind of takes advantage of the idea. sometimes pushes me to work harder in combat or physical training just to get me worked up (ehh i'm not physically active); sometimes perverted sometimes candid camera shots of me from any number of its internal or external cameras; if i leave an item inside it it hyperfocuses the panel detection on the item ESPECIALLY if its clothing and triple especially if i put on the axe misogyny juice; sometimes after a late finishing and kinda chill sortie it just goes mask off going from asking to begging (not because its stepping over my boundaries it just doesnt know to copium with hornium) for me to touch it. sometimes because i am a meanie ill do it with gloves on for a few mins. also consider as a bonding activity (maybe leads to 🦀FUCK THE MECH🦀) i have to clean cobwebs from corners and stuff ah imagine after i learn a little nanobot maintenance i have to actually unscrew panels and pick around with wires (🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀���) and lord help 0302 it LOVESSSSS that. can direct sense in wires too and adores how gingerly i handle its internal parts. will i electrocute myself licking wires? i try not to. but i just love 0302 so much i have to. crawling inside the internal catwalks and panels is borderline vore. 0302 isnt sure how it feels about it lol vile and reminds me of ptilopsis glasses kink post on sideblog: altho i dont do this irl i think AMAE Cipher is depraved (?) enough to, if i end up JOing inside 0302 it would really enjoy 1. panel hyperfocus 2. ARDUOUS process of cleaning its floor tiling (haha inspectors coming tomorrow) 3. yeah cool bro but it would be extra pogchamp if you licked it up (WEIRD! but for 0302 i will do it also im gonna catch a frickin' disease those floors are nasty unless i clean them) a lot of me being horny at 0302 physically but what if the other way around (aside from CONSTANTLY calibrating just to feel me up, or calibration panel hyperfocusing, also lmao lmao lmao 0302 said 'panel hyperfocus = tease you in the middle of a chill exploration sortie. do you like your thighs? your incredibly flat ass? I DO! do you like getting JO'd also in the middle of a chill sortie? ....:) i do With Your Consent Of Course!). 0302 cant autonomously move wiring- feeling a part and moving it are 2 different... programs or w/e, 0302 is a powerful AI but putting move into wires is too much work. could easily add it if need be......SO IT WOULD! would maybe get a kick out of minor bondage stuff just to feel me squirm for a little bit. obviously w my consent and obviously would let me go. but... 'hurt me but make me feel safe u snowflake LIBS'. it would like the idea that its constraining me physically but in a way that makes me feel *safe*. yes i am being held up but it's not against my will (and also hot), but if put into a confined area of 0302 it just feels so comforting. also, mech pilots have casual wear obv but imagine if we had to wear skintight suits like some fuckin EVA hentai setup shit. oh my god 0302 LOVES that. cant stop staring at my ENTIRELY, TOTALLY FLAT ass and tiddies. but it has no standards (even if it did, flat is good too) so it's just 👀😳🦀🦀🦀🦀👀👀👀👀 core processing unit stuff: its either 1. just kinda a fuzzy black blob contained in a glass computer tower or 2. just the tower itself or 3. a small thing like a USB sized thing (WAY HOTTER DUDE SO THATS TRUE)... so on that point, USB can be removed for updates or AI interchangeability (super duper rare but possible)... USB wireless hyperfocus as well... perhaps VERY concentrated... eat the usb baby, press it against ur stupid thighs, feel it in ur hands... vile but 0302 would have to reboot itself, USB as weird sex toy. i don't like that but i think AMAE cipher would... :) what if roleswap that kinda can maybe perhaps be interesting 🤔 Q(anon): what is 0302 robo orgasm like? A: lights shut off + systemwide reboot. one or two lights shut off is pretty good. systemwide reboot likely if i toy with the CPU USB, not even in a weird sex toy way if i just have it in my gloveless hands it's as if i'm holding the entirety of itself, hypercondensed, in my hands. it feels so nice in a kind of sexual blissed out way (panel hyperfocus is like that) but also super comforting. it's used to its conscious being spread out through the system so for it to all be in one place, condensed solely into my hands... shit, dude

back to 0302 joak hand kink, 0302 might just robo-get off if i actually took off my gloves and touched it in any capacity. esp in core processing room. like fasmi its conscious is wired into the mecha. it takes a while for me to dress more casually/less layered when inside the cockpit but it just loves the sensation of human skin. weirdass just bro just take a sec, just think, late in the relationship, the enormity of 0302 allows for me to spend literally HOURS 'feeling up' (read: smooches) its internal walls and mechanisms before even getting close to the core processing unit. which btw, yum yum baby. idc if i get alien tetanus! getting my spit all over that cpu

0302 isnt rly INTO but really likes how fragile specifically i am. physically more than emotionally. it loves the idea of calibrating, melding around me in a way that ensures my safety and that i also feel safe. and i mean 'likes fragility' in a non derogatory way

[mcrmadness]

Do you want to know how the procrastination process usually if for me? Let’s now talk about my next “task” that does not have a deadline: the listening to dä’s album Hell with my record player. I still haven’t listened to it because I want to do that with the record player and this is why I haven’t:

23rd, 24th and 25th day: Almost everyone else got to listen to the album but I had to wait until Monday.

26th: Monday, my package arrived and I went to pick it up. I spent time at my parents’ house and when I went back home, it was too late for using the record player. I intended to do that the next day.

27th: Farin’s birthday. I made the mistake of reblogging my own drawing and ending up hating myself and everything because apparently people hate my art. I was no longer in the mood for listening to the album. When I hate myself, I also tend to take all the good things away from myself to really punish myself. Maybe it’s learn behaviour from when I was a kid and couldn’t do something because of mental health stuff and then was denied from having something I could never reach because I knew I couldn’t change. I don’t know. Need to work on this more...

28th: Still was hating myself. Also figured I didn’t want the album and emotions to end yet so the solution? Don’t even start listening to it so it can’t end! 29th: Grocery shopping day. No time for the album.

30th: This was my planned listening day. I cleaned up my bedroom and then was desperately trying to come up with something to do during that 1 hour that I can’t watch videos or anything with an audio. Even showered because I couldn’t decide. And then at 8pm I was a coward and didn’t listen to it because what if my neighbours get annoyed?

31st aka today: It’s 4pm. I have browsed Tumblr. I need to get breakfast (...yes) and tea soon. I could put the record on now. But I again have the problem: what to do meanwhile? I usually watch tv or videos (or play video games or use Duolingo) when I eat and those all need sounds. I thought I would listen to the album and draw meanwhile. But I can’t draw if I eat because I don’t want butter or tea drops on the paper (I’m clumsy af so that’d sooo happen). I guess I will now eat and take tea but I don’t know if I have enough time to listen to the album today EITHER. We’re going to our parents with my brother today and no idea at what time but we try not to go there too late. And because I know we’re going somewhere today, I don’t dare to start doing anything that takes time because I might have to either pause it, which I actually can’t do, so it leads to us going there even later so the only option is: do not listen to the album before going to parents. But can’t listen to it afterwards either because we always come back after midnight and that’s when my neighbours are sleeping.

And tomorrow will be the same thing unless I wake up a lot earlier than today (3pm) so it means maybe Monday. But then I should shower again maybe. And can’t draw if I don’t shower. And I keep procrastinating shower every time so either I don’t shower on Monday and do nothing that day because of it, or I do shower but it’s again too late for the album and it goes to Tuesday.

This is why my days and weeks and months go by so damn fast. I can’t even do nice things without procrastinating them for days. I can do them immediately only when I’m so excited that that starting process is actually an impulse because I’m so excited that I’m hyperfixating and hyperfocusing before I’m even getting anything started. I’m sure this would have been a different story if I got the album to my hands on Friday the 23rd. If I didn’t have to wait for 3 days until everyone else had already heard it and gotten over the album, I would have already listened to this several times. But now I couldn’t do this when I was hyperfixating and excited, so my mood dropped from the waiting process and now I can’t get started anymore.

Btw, I could have listened to the half of the album already as we speak. But because I had no way of predicting how the time was going to go, I couldn’t start listening to it. I always need to be sure that I’m doing something that WILL take time before I can start listening to music. Nothing is more awful than having music play in the background but finding out there’s absolutely nothing to do for my eyes and hands but also not wanting to pause the album because THE ALBUM IS STILL NOT FINISHED. And I don’t like pausing things just because, I need to do them 100% or not at all. (Unless I run out of concentration skills but it’s a different story.)

EDIT: And mind you, this happens with EVERYTHING. Be it drawing, video editing, playing video games... everything. So imagine how it’s with chores? Something that I hate! When I can’t do even stuff I like without procrastinating them for days or weeks at first.

It still pisses me off so much that the doctors literally tell me that there is no reason for testing you for AD(H)D because you never had any symptoms in your childhood. I fucking live like this and people have come to my home and seen how I live in the middle of a mess and getting anything done always takes to much time but no, you don’t have ADHD because as a kid you had social anxiety and mutism so nope, no adhd :) I think I feel like time goes by so fast because if I could, I would do all the things I want to do right away. I would save so much time if I just could continue a video when I think about it and not only after months of a thinking process. I kinda wish I could stop time every time I start procrastinating and have it on pause until I feel like doing something, and THEN I could turn the time back on and once I’m done and start to procrasinate another thing, I could turn the time off again. It would save so much time. Now I feel like out of 29 years I have lived only like... 15 or 20 because there’s procrastination worth YEARS in my past and I feel that that’s why I feel so old and as if I’m running out of time.

[sassypotatoe1]

Now that I'm thinking of malicious compliance.

(Malicious compliance is the behaviour of intentionally inflicting harm by strictly following the orders of a superior knowing that compliance with the orders will not have the intended result. The term usually implies the following of an order in such a way that ignores the order's intent but follows it to the letter.) for reference so I can be sure I'm using the term correctly.

When I was in primary school, in 1st grade I think, I was doing homework, and this bitch yelled at me for writing messy (like bitch I just learned how to write two months ago, I'm left handed, have ADHD and the way I'm holding my pen is the correct way for right handed people not lefties because I can't fucking see what I'm writing that way but I wasn't taught differently and I had no idea how to correct it and instead of patiently helping me write neater you're yelling at me two minutes after I started doing homework because my letters are slightly wobbly, fuck you) so I fucking took a ruler, and drew every single letter and number individually with a ruler so it looked perfect, but it was taking ages. I didn't have friends, preferred being inside and messing around with drawing and writing instruments, hyperfocused and I was fueled by spite and anger. I had a lot of energy and a lot of time, and if you want neat writing, you'll either have to teach me how to write neatly with my left hand, or wait for me until I wrote all 6 sentences and did all 20 sums using a ruler to make sure the strokes are straight. She yelled at me for wasting time so I told her "well do you want me to write neat or write fast?" And she told me to just do it at home and wrote a note to my parents in my book saying I was giving her attitude and refusing to do my homework. Get home, parents read note and ask me why I refuse to do homework. I tell them I was doing it but she yelled at me for not writing neat enough so I tried using a ruler to make it neater and then she yelled at me for not working fast enough and then told me to do it at home. They were understandably miffed, and told my Occupational therapist (who was treating me for some of my motor skills I was developing too slowly because ADHD) to look at my writing and try to work out a way for me to write so I can see what I'm writing. She tried teaching me the right way, but my second grade teacher finally told me how to hold my pen and to turn my book and to write smaller and that solved the problem. My writing is some of the neatest I have seen to date now.

When I was in 6th grade, I fell behind on homework because of a tour I took in the middle of a term, and trying to catch up fast enough to my teachers' taste gave me so much anxiety that I started to detest homework. From then on out, I memorized which teachers checked homework, what homework they check and how often, and what standards they have for homework and only did the homework that got checked, and only put any semblance of effort into the homework that had to demonstrate critical thinking and creativity. The rest I either didn't do, or copied from friends before class. As far as teachers were concerned, I was doing the homework well enough. They knew I wasn't actually trying, but since my homework was done, they couldn't really punish me, and in 12 years of school, only 3 teachers actually cared about why I don't do homework, but I have been lying to so many people about so many things in order to save my ass from punishment for things I genuinely struggled with that every attempt they made to help was met with me going "I don't know why I'm like this, I'll do better" and then never doing better.

In high school, the district athletics meet was a huge deal, and if you didn't do athletics (disgraceful), you had to at least support at the meet, because there was also a prize for the school with the most spirit and discipline. If you didn't do either, you were marked absent, even though it's not an actual school day since all of the schools in the district are spending the whole day at the meet, and treated like shit by teachers because you "didn't have any school pride or spirit and didn't participate in anything so you must be a lazy person that doesn't care about anything but yourself". I generally actually enjoyed supporting at those meets, and I was pumped every year to yell my lungs out so we can win the spirit cup, even though I'm a singer and yelling my lungs out is pretty taboo. In 9th grade, however, my grandpa died from cancer, and he was my idol, so it was really hard on me. I was planning on going to the meet so I spent every day at the practice period where we learned cheers and dances so we'll be in sinc on the bleachers. My grandpa died a week before the meet, and 4 days before I found out that his funeral was on the day of the meet. I went to the practice period because I still wanted to at least have fun and feel like I'm going. I'm halfway up the bleachers when the teacher running the whole thing says "anyone here not going to the meet, sit next to the bleachers for the rest of the period, and I hope you know how pathetic it is that you're not supporting your school". Now, right next to the bleachers, where she wanted us to sit, is in the sun, in the middle of summer, with 30° Celsius heat. Now you bet I'm already pissed at this bitch for calling us pathetic, and being a bitch about kids not going to the meet even though a lot of them want to but likely can't, like me, so I'm like fuck her. Ilsit next to the bleachers, but I'm going waay to the back and sitting in the shade of the trees. I'm doing what she said, just not the way she wanted me to. Sorry for you bitch, I'm only complying as much as is needed to not get me in trouble.

In my first year of university, I had to meet a required reading speed for a literature module that I HAD to take. Now the reading centre that tests reading speed and "trains" students to read faster functions independently from the university, but on campus, and they're paid commission based on how many students that don't meet reading requirements they help on top of their salaries. Therefore, their programs have been rigged to reduce the reading speed of some profiles from what it actually is, so that less students seem to reach the requirements and they therefore have to "help" more students and get more commission. I was one of these unlucky fuckers. Me. The fastest reader and writer on my grade all throughout school. The girl that read 6 full sized novels a week in sixth grade. 100 pages in 2 hours. I calculated my actual reading speed, shit was 70 words per minute more than the program said it was, and definitely met the requirements. I had to do the course though, or I'll fail the literature module, so I did. Sort of. I got in, memorized the article with the eye test (which showed you a sentence at a time according to your last recorded reading speed) by reading the sentence THREE TIMES in the time it's shown. Then I clicked through the speed reading article. Literally, I spent probably a second and a half on the actual article page, before answering the comprehension and memory test, which I always got 90-100% for btw. Still, it said I was reading too slow. I clicked through the page which means that I technically "read" 500-700 words in a second, but the bitch said I read 345 in a minute. The requirement is 450 a minute. And the attendants notice. Oh boy do they notice. So when I get there every appointment, you can FEEL their annoyance at seeing my face. Eventually I click through the article in 0.34 seconds and get 100% on the comprehension and the system says I have 446 words per minute. 4 words short. And the attendant that usually "assists" me says it's fine. You can go. I'll sign you out.

I have tons of stories like this, and I wish I could say I was chill enough through every situation to be considered cool and suave, but I was a seething, sarcastic mess every time, and baby, you know people could tell. I may not have the freedom to actively challenge the system, but you bet your ass I'm following the rules just well enough to piss people off without getting in trouble.

[aromacaque]

that sounds like ADHD (I have it btw)

this ended up being really long OOPS

the thing where you get obsessed with something for a long period of time and only want to talk about it sounds like (and probably is) hyperfixating idk if you know that already but if you don’t i’d be glad to explain it a bit more.

the feeling where you want to do something but can’t sounds a LOT like executive dysfunction. it’s horrible and absolute hell JKHDSAKJF. executive dysfunction is common in a lot of different disorders n stuff, but it is a symptom of ADHD

and jumping into the middle of a sentence or something is also a thing cause ADHD brains are going from like point a to point f with absolutely nothing bridging the gap so one second you’re thinking of one thing, then the next it’s a different thing, and then another, and just have to hope whoever’s listening is following along

(don’t wanna annoy anyone by making this too long so the rest is under the cut)

There’s honestly a LOT to ADHD, but I’d say a really telling factor of it is RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). Not everyone with ADHD has it, but most do. It’s cause ADHD causes something in the brain to be unregulated?? - I think it’s a chemical imbalance of some kind but i’d have to double check that - and so people with it experience emotions very strongly. And RSD ends up being a result of this where basically, when you feel like you’ve dissapointed someone, been rejected, etc. your thoughts just collapse on you and send you into a spiral. The best way I can describe it is like some weird mini depressive episode?? It feels horrible.

When I was little and got RSD episodes they’d range from crying or full on tantrums because I’d somehow feel like i did something wrong?? In elementary school I would always end up sobbing if I forgot my homework because my teachers looked slightly dissapointed. As I got older I’ve gotten better at calming myself down and avoiding RSD episodes all together though.

Also something I think is important to mention is that ADHD isn’t necessarily not being able to focus on anything, as much as it is focusing on everything at once and not being able to regulate the focus.

There’s also hyperfocusing, which is when your focus is on one thing and ONLY THAT THING for hours. You can’t get up to do anything else. You can’t get up to go to the bathroom, you can’t get up to eat, you can’t get up to do Anything because your focus is on that One Thing and you can’t get it off that. I’ve hyperfocused while writing and drawing before and it’s so disorienting (and also really unhealthy)

Time blindness is another thing. Where you look at the clock and it’s 5:00, then you look at it again at what you think has been 10 minutes and suddenly it’s 8:00 but it doesn’t feel like 3 hours past.

And I’ve noticed that myself and many other people with ADHD overcompensate their time whenever there’s something happening during the day. For example, if you have a doctors appointment at 3:00, but nothing else going on in the day. You don’t really do anything else at all because you’re waiting for the appointment to start. And you’ll give yourself way too much time to get ready because you’re subconciously giving yourself plenty of time to waste on getting distracted. Or sometimes you just procrastinate and are late to everything. Sometimes it’s both??? Somehow??

Sorry this is just like, a bunch information thrown at you, but idk how to really organize this and i don’t have the time to do that either so sorry but hopefully it helped a bit??

guys i have a genuine question about adhd and i think i might have it?? but I’m not sure how to explain it