#i dont know how to tag this actually so i'll ramble instead

[alchemiclee]

me: this thing doesn't work. i'm struggling so much. I can't do this. this is bad. i'm failing. etc etc

friend: you can do it, I believe it you!!!

me: 😊!!!

[autisticlee]

I wasn't diagnosed with hEDS, despite very much suspecting it before that. my doctor used that testing method (I always forget the name of) that looks at like 5 joints only and judges based on that. some of those happened to be joints I don't have as much issue with (for example, my elbows and knees don't bend past the degree required and my back is way too stiff to touch the ground without a lot of stretching first) but I was told I have general, basically harmless joint hypermobility and there's no treatment to help me or anything. I'm basically fine I guess?

I was told by a few people on twitter that the test is outdated and the issues I mention having sounds a lot like hEDS and I need a second opnion (but can't get one because that's the only doctor in my hospital/insurance system) so all I have to go by is what people online have told me from a guess and what a doctor told me. so I really don't know what the truth it. but I feel obligated to go off of what the doctor said and say "I'm fine" because I was also told by twitter people that this "isnt something to wish for/it's a very serious condition/you can't just self diagnosed this/etc" so I can only assume I just have a few joints that bend more than they should but it's fine.

(this is longer than i expected so i'll cut it)

my joints are always popping and cracking and feeling very loose and floppy. I don't get big dislocations requiring hospital visits that I am told are a required symptoms of hEDS. )I can dislocated my jaw on demand though and have to use my hands to put it back lmao and other joints get stuck and feel like they're trying to dislocate and stuff like that? i've had toes and fingers dislocated and my parents just yank on them until they pop back in. my hips are some of the worst joints i think. of course those aren't tested in the EDS test. i'll be walking and suddenly my hip feels like it pops out of place or gets stuck. if i'm standing and shift my hips, I can feel it pop really dramatically. always a dull pain, sometimes sharp pain that makes it very hard to walk untol it goes away. but I try to ignore it.

I feel like I have high pain tolerance (not sure if due to being autistic and having weird sensory issues, or from basically being trained my while life to ignore my pain because my parents couldn't afford to take me to doctors, being told to suck it up i'm being dramatic, getting ignored or told others "have it worse," etc.) so i've just been accepting the joint pain I get, especially from my very physically demanding job, and don't do much about it. I'm pretty sure most, if not all my sleep problems are due to chronic pain and discomfort. everyone tries to tell me it's all in .y head and I can't sleep because my mind is "too active" and i'm just "thinking too much" so i've been suggested so many things to treat anxiety. thkae don't work and meds made it WAY worse. i'm the definition of "head empty" when i'm trying to sleep. I don't think that's it lmao. if it's anything in my head, it's the vivid dreams I have. but do dreams make you feel like you got physically hit by a truck? maybe mentally, yeah.

my mom, who I work with, has chronic pain and back and other problems. so since she "just deals with it" she applies that to me and says "mine is worse/I deal with it every day and it mever stops/I can't help you/you have nothing to complain about/etc" and not just her, my whole family seems to have chronic pain and stuff. it's like it's genetic, idk. so i'm expected to work through it and ignore it. she doesn't use any mobility aids despite probably needing to, so it was never suggested to me. i've had pain and issues most my life but was always told i'm "too young to have any pain. wait until you're 25/30/35" (the number changes as I get older for some reason...) "you arent allowed to complain/experience pain now, you're too young. exercise more. you sit at your computer too much. etc" so i've just tried to ignore it and deal with it because i'm overreacting and it's not bad, right? others have it worse.

I visited some friends this past week. One friend is disabled and uses a cane/wheelchair to aid her mobility due to severe chronic pain. I brought my hip brace with me, which helps hold my hip in the joint a little and helps stop it popping out as I walk (there's still pain though, but it stops my joint from popping out sideways when i move it, if that makes sense?) my friend noticed me struggling and despite me telling her i'm fine and this or normal, she demanded I don't just "deal with it" like everyone else. she made sure I had my brace on, shared her pain meds, and made me borrow her cane while she used her wheelchair.

we went to an anime convention and met up with one of my friend's friends for a little bit. she also uses a cane when walking around a lot. she noticed my hip issues and my skin having a bad reaction to the double sided tape I was using for cosplays and asked if I had EDS because I showed signs like people she knows who have it. that kind of further makes me wonder if maybe my doctor misdiagnosed because of the bad outdated test? perhaps it's not and i'm overthinking it. i'm just thinking that if that's what it it actually is, it would be nice to know so I know how to help myself? like maybe there's more treatments than just ignoring standard hypermobility? and what if there's other related issues i'd have to watch for amd not know about?

but anyway, borrowing my friends cane, with and even without my hip brace (sometimes with wrist brace too if i remembered because wrist pain particularly due to an old, severe injury as a kid), doing a ton of walking all week, I noticed I never got sharp hip and knee pains that I get normally that almost down me every day at work or when going for a walk. I always try to ignore them and push through and continue what I'm doing. I assume that's fine and even get annoyed at myself for being so overreacting to it????? i'm suppsed to have high pain tolerance, right? i'm making a big deal out of nothing probably!!!!

but using it that whole week and finding that it helped makes me wonder if I should get my own???? not that I really go anywhere and I can't use it at work because I have to use my hands the whole time. (or is that attention seeking behavior? I know using one draws negative attention because people are assholes about that stuff. but it's still attention. am I secretly wanting attention???) I also wonder if i'm experiencing more issues than I think. like have I gotten so used to ignoring things that it's actually worse than I think? am I a walking imposter syndrome? i've heard you can dull your own sense of pain by ignoring it long enough and being autistic with sensory issues can also cause a reduced sense of pain. it seemed like being around other disabled people and people who actually paid attention to me meant people noticed me struggling more than I notice, if that makes sense?? but I don't know i'd I am truly struggling or i'm unconsciously making it up????

when I was on my way home walking through the airport, I thought I was doing fine. yeah, I was going slower than everyone else and leaning on my rolling carryon luggage, but i'm sure I was fine......I must have looked like I was struggling. a man driving one of those little transport vehicles through the hall stopped and asked if I was ok. I said i'm fine and he insisted I get on and he take me down the rest of the very long hall. he got to the end where it splits and I needed the opposite way he was headed so he called for someone with a wheelchair to scoop me up and take me to my gate and wouldn't accept a no.

I thought i'd be fine shuffling the hour long layover I had to the opposite side of the airport to my gate, but turns out I made it a minute after boarding time started even with other people running me through on wheels double the speed or more i was going myself. I may have missed my flight if I kept shuffling on my own.....

even though it was a lot of help, I still felt bad, like I was taking up resources from people who really needed it. I never considered myself physically disabled despite my weird joint issues, weakness, chronic pain, lack of balance and coordination, etc. it was a lot of help, and like I said, I may have missed my plane without it, but I still felt really bad and still do, like a fraud, like I was wasting something others needed more. I just feel like my struggles aren't enough to warrant any thpe of disability aid, if they can even be considered struggles at all. I felt like i'm an able person being fake and taking something that doesn't belong to me, wasting resources that aren't meant for me, despite it not being me who chose it or asked for it. I tried to refuse, but it was given to me by someone who seems to have felt I needed it????? should I have rejected it more and tried to be more insistent on being fine? (though i'm not sure i'd be capable of that since I was overwhelmed and my autistic brain can barely handle airports....so talking at all was kind of out of the question)

i really feel like I don't need or deserve help like that! I need to deal with it on my own and ignore it, right? others have it worse! it's not that bad. I can deal with it on my own. maybe i'm being dramatic about any pain and stuff i'm experiencing and need to suck it up and stop complaining. It's not bad enough to even mention it! maybe i'm unconsciously trying to get attention or something like that. unconsciously looked like I was struggling for some kind of attention or something (despite trying to always shrink and hide myself in public to be left alone, especially when sensory overwhelmed). I hope I didn't impede anyone who needed and deserved help more than me 🥺😔

[insufferable-pri]

have too many thoughts on the new madoka trailer to ramble in the tags of other people's posts so rambling under the cut instead (i am too excited to go back to sleep help)

Clara dolls theory real (to me). Which brings the question of how did they get powerful enough to turn into doppel homuras

Who are the new girls. Where did they come from. How did they get here. Actually assuming homura's uhh universe sized witch/demon barrier thing works more like a regular witch barrier did the law of cycles send more people to bring back madoka

That green girl is walpurgis isn't she (or at least one of the girls who became part of walpurgis). The trees in the background remind me of a post-walpurgisnacht scene (maybe i'll find a picture later)

The repaired tea cup. At the end of rebellion we hear a glass shattering and iirc this was basically signifying homura rejecting her friendship with mami. What if (probably reaching here) walpurgis is trying to reconnect with madoka after becoming friends in magical girl heaven idk or (reaching even more) this scene is misleading and she's actually talking to homura and trying to befriend her

what if even though the law of cycles is trying to bring back madoka, she's also still trying to save homura. Without madoka as guidance all she knows is eat hot chip and lie bring back madoka and whatever was the last thing she was instructed to do (yes this is basically the kagerou daze)

oh my god madoka heaven is basically kagerou daze without the snakes (and the suffering)

What if lawofcycles.exe broke after the split more than anyone originally thought. What if that statue isn't just a statue it's the now formless law of cycles because madoka has been away for too long and it's starting to lose itself

There was something else i wanted to say about lawofcycles.exe broke but i dont remember it anymore

Something something sayaka is there because she was madoka's secretary in the law of cycles (from the concept movie)

If i go back and forth between referring to the law of cycles as a person and as a dimension/space it's because i did not get enough sleep

Mentioned this in the tags of another post: kyoko eats a bunch of snacks in the anime, but only eats apples in rebellion (when most of her memories are wiped/altered). Her holding an ice cream thing probably signifies a return of her memories. Also the whole apples kinda says something about homura's perception of kyoko but idk how to articulate it (this is assuming there was an actual reason for kyoko only eating apples in rebellion)

I have been informed the other small child is bear girl from episode 12. I need to rewatch episode 12.

The narration "I will go with hope. Hope will go with you. The miracle that I achieved with you will surely guide us", followed by white feathers ascending with a single feather turning black as it descends. Not entirely sure what to make of all this, but i'm guessing the miracle refers to the law of cycles

Theory: madoka will choose to reunite with the law of cycles. Maybe she'll try to absorb homura and maybe homura rejects/is rejected by the law of cycles (again). The universe doesn't really know how to handle both of them coexisting as gods so it recreates itself for the third time. No idea what'll happen with the magical girl system in the new universe

Would anyone be happy with this? Who knows

idk where kyubey falls into this but his presence never bodes well

[cerealmonster15]

irt your tags (nothing negative, genuine speculation here), i wonder if it's a matter of perspective concerning the notes. like i see what you mean by being more specific in the notes, those are a good place to elaborate further about what's in there. as I see it, the tags are the full list of warnings a la "does the dog die" and other sites like that, while the notes are individual warnings for each chapter + background stuff. i write a lot of multi-chapter fics or vignette stuff, so having the notes be individualized tag specifications helps but I still feel the need to include it in the main tags as a full warning of what this particular fic will contain. like i dont want to suddenly jump someone with a discussion about gender identity in the middle of something, even when it's the most casual conversation and very blase. so instead of the reader coming across a note that says "there's gonna be gender discussion here" when they werent warned previously, i'd rather have a messy tag about gender discussions and then use the note to flag which chapter it is and how it plays out (eg how explicit, its function, etc.).

but that's just me, your thoughts def got me thinking though and its interesting to see how people interpret the archive tags - especially since i know that some people see them both as warning and advertisement

[about this post talkin ao3]

oh huh yeah i guess i didnt really think about the notes as like, extra misc warning spot! i mean kind of- im sure ive seen people use it that way and just not remembered lol. like it seems to me the notes are a much looser optional area - sometimes i dont read them [usually i do tho. i like bonus lore LOL] [but also sometimes i just forget to read even the tags and get jumpscared, but thats all a Me Thing lmao]

but i mean i think thats all super good! i dont disagree lol. having some messy tags isnt bad at all i dont think, within reason. i never thought much about multi chapter fics bc i both dont write them and barely ever read them [i am suddenly reminded one of the few multi chap fics i DO read updated recently and i forgot!!! i still gotta read it!!!]

i know for me i like to use the notes as like bonus thought process rattling zone and also bc i tbh struggle to tag things lol. im pretty sparse in the actual tags cuz i feel like thats where the core info should go, and then i do my "here's my thought process and the various hurdles i ran into every 5 seconds" rambling in the tags before/after lol, bc i figure thats just extra people can skip if they just wanna read the story. and i dont really write much in the way of triggering topics usually so i dont personally have extra stuff to warn about. that's an interesting take on how you use them! and probably very helpful lol. i'll have 2 remember that if i ever try to be brave for a multi chapter fic lmao

[peppersmile]

my personal blog tagging habits post

i dont know who this post is for but i have the feeling of if i dont explain myself i will go crazy so here is a long rambling post about the way i tag things on tumblr dot com

i like to tag things by post type because looking for a post via the archive layout is sometimes a lot harder than being able to scroll down each and every post. also just fun to go through stuff like #vid or #audio every now and then

on my old blog i would tag based on the actual post type because it was easier to tell if something was made in a text post or not with the old tumblr layout. so text posts with images were still #txt. in the time between having my old blog and remaking to this blog it became much easier to embed pics, audio, videos, etc so now i tag based on type of content even if it's a text post. also sometimes i would go looking for a post knowing it had an image but got confused if i should look in #txt or #pic

i manually tag all of this btw. i tried using xkit for it but it was wanting to tag all posts as #txt no matter what so i gave up. it's just an extra second anyway

all quote, link, and chat posts are considered part of #txt (unless they have an image etc)

tagging by content hierarchy goes #vid > #audio > #pic > #txt

tagging #gif is a holdover from the olden days back before we had extensions with accessibility options that would prevent gifs from autoplaying and people asked for gifs to be tagged to block them with tumblr savior. but it's just fun to go through my #gif tag anyway

speaking of which im not entirely sure what the tag people like to use/block flashing imagery is anymore. wayyyyy back in like 2012 there was a movement to stop using just #epilepsy as it was clogging up the tag for people wanting actual resources on epilepsy so it was agreed upon to use #epilepsy warning instead as it would show up as a different separate tag. but then the search function changed meaning things tagged as #epilepsy warning would show up in the #epilepsy tag since they had the same word in it. i assume #flashing is the best one

generally i'll tag by media name if it's something id like to go back and look at. i'll reblog posts with mario in it but i dont care enough to have a #mario tag. stuff like that

most of my miscellaneous tags like #good #awesome #holy shit etc are just whatever and more vibes based than anything. but sometimes it's fun to go back and look at posts that have the #good tag

but i will say specifically my #smile tag tends to be half posts about just being happy rainbows etc and half posts about love and joy from the past. a lot of times it's photos of peoples pets that have definitely passed since then and i just find it nice to smile at this persons pet they loved 20 years ago today. also nice memories of people happy or helping out etc

#a is for posts i would have on an ""aesthetic"" blog but i like reblogging stupid shit here too so whatever. consider it stands for "art" "aesthetic" "a nice thing to look at" whatever

#classic is generally fav posts from 2016 or earlier. posts that shook the world from times of ould

i dont know how to end this post thanks for reading

[happy-tori-friends]

I'm loving the Oblivion series,it's so funny and cute!If it's okay to ask questions about the characters,can I ask what the differences between Splendont's relationship with either of the twins are?

i'm glad you're enjoying it, and yes it's perfectly fine to ask questions, ask as many as you want! :D!

obviously the endgame is the v poly with them, so i'll answer both for that and as they are now in the early stages of friendship.

Friendship

Splendont honestly treats them both very similarly - he considers them both as his friends. He developed a soft spot for them almost immediately, and he genuinely likes helping them. He's also a little bit willing to mess with them and joke around, albeit hesitantly bevause he doesn't want to push their boundaries too much. He is willing to be affectionate with them with occassional headpats, but only occasionally and nothing more than that.

Lifty has been a bit more open with Splendont, more willing to trust him. Lifty is generally nicer to him, more willing to vouch for him and defend him. He's overall a bit nicer, he genuinely smiles at Dont a lot more.

Shifty, on the other hand, is more closed off. He's a lot more sarcastic, more crude, he snaps a lot more than Lifty, and he likes to mess with Dont. He makes a lot of jabs that may or may not be funny (though he thinks he's hilarious no matter what). It dies annoy him that he often doesn't get any sort of reaction from Splendont, but when he does, he gets a little excited (though he tries to hide it). He doesn't often genuinely smile for Dont, though as they griw closer, both and Splendont become more willing to genuinely express themselves.

Dating

When he actually asks them out, they'll have been friends for a while. They know where boundaries lie and such, so Dont's more willing to tease them and the twins will even tease back (moreso Shifty).

He gets very good at reading them, and noticing their differences. Both of the twins enjoy expressing and recieving love in similar ways, although they do favor different ones. Dont definitely takes notice of this and, while he'll express his love in all different ways, he will try to cater to their favorite ways. The twins are very persistent when they want attention - Lifty is the more affectionate one, but Shifty is more annoying about it when he does want it.

Lifty's still more open, more likely to say he loves Splendont from the start, and more willing to share his feelings without (much) prodding. He's less likely to fight with Dont, and will act as a mediator when Shifty does. Splendont will often mediate if the brothers fight as well, and he's willing to comfort both of them when needed. When Dont and Lifty fight, it's often something more serious, and Lifty will sort of hole up for a while until he's ready to talk.

Shifty is a bit more open than he was, and he gradually opens up enough to say that he loves him. He's more likely to say dirty things and try flirting (but when Dont does the same he gets flustered). He's more argumentative than Lifty, and fights with Dont (and his brother) more because of this. As time goes on, he does get more willing to be vulnerable, but it takes prodding to get him to admit what's wrong.

Overall, on Splendont's end, he treats them very similarly because he cares about / loves both of them, with differences catering to how they act.

i hope this answered the question sufficiently enough, t'was surprisingly hard to put things into words, and i ended up rambling, as i usually do. 😅

(alright now im gonna go make a lil tag directory - maybe i will think of a ship name for dont and the twins, and maybe one for flippy and splendid to use here specifically, then a prompt thingy, and finally reblog at least one prompt list b4 maybe working on another mascot for magical warrior au. or maybe i'll dick off instead of any of that.)

[scover-va]

ok i havent been able to get the idea of an dnd-styled rpg inscryption/the hex au out of my head and it's physically paining me at this point (/j). So, I'm making you fuckers deal with my ramblings bc tumblr's just become a place for my to spit out ideas so they'll stop taking up space in my brain. So! Ramble under the cut since I'll be main tagging this bitch for organization purposes

So main character would be Inscryption's Challenger, and I'm thinking maybe the entire party of em is just. Different versions of the Challenger designs in Inscryption? Either that, or the Challenger is accompanied by Luke, Kaycee, and Lionel. Not Carla tho, I got villain plans with her. Tempted to go with the several Challenger designs idea, but then I'd need to come up with names, so. Y'know.

I dont know how im gonna have the world set up, but I'm thinkin the Scrybes now have land they rule over? Maybe not kingdoms for all of em, but yknow. Only issue with that is that I'd need to figure out how to fit the hex characters in, so what I'll probably do is just having them having authority in smaller areas. So like, taking inspo from Leshy's ties to Slavic mythology, he'd be king of the forest. Grimora might be an infamous necromancer, I havent fully figured these guys out yet.

But i DO have six other characters figured out so ohoHO buckle down, everyone.

Because I refuse to change Rocky's general appearance if I dont have to, Rocky was kidnapped from a young age and experimented on. By who? I'll figure that out eventually. Anyways, so in those few years, Rust was searching for him day and night, and eventually found the people that took Rocky. I have him planned to be a rogue in the rpg au, so yknow. Breaks in, kills some people, has a very heartfelt reunion with his kid, while also. Internally being very fucking angry that these assholes experimented so goddamn much on a child. He got Rocky out safe, and they're now travelling the lands for a place to call home, while Rust is. Also looking for the people who were running the operation, since they weren't there. I am. Considering making Reggie and Jeremiah full on villains for this. So. We'll see what happens. Other idea is Irving and the Gameworks/Gamefuna. I'll figure that out later. Rust and Rocky will aid the players in exchange for helping Rust find the people who hurt his kid. Rocky's completely unaware of how much his pops wants revenge, and really just wants to find somewhere safe to call home. Too bad years of separation affected Rust so poorly

Next up, ex-sorceress Chandrelle, who now claims to be a warlock. She's a lone traveller, and doesn't answer when asked what god she draws her power from. I'm still trying to work out how she got stuck with Vallamir, so that'll be a future ramble. But yeah, she's stuck with him. Her questline would probably have something to do with getting rid of Vallamir, but another idea would be her looking for Lazarus. I'll figure out the separation lore when I have the Vallamir lore figured out, but they got separated, and Chandrelle hasn't been able to find him. Actually I could probably make these work as one big questline tbh. We'll see. I'm thinking maybe Chandrelle got into a dangerous battle, and in order to ensure she'd be safe, made a deal with Vallamir for more power in exchange for being possessed and used at will? Anyways, yeah ok im running with this idea, big battle happens, but even tho Chandrelle's safe, Lazarus! Is not. He ends up getting taken, and now Chandrelle's just looking for closure, wanting to know what happened to him.

Next up, Lazarus! So yeah, he got taken, and I'm thinkin it's gonna be Gamefuna for this one (Gonna rename it tho so it doesnt have game in it. Name's a work in progress). Anyways, they forced him to train to be a ranger instead of a paladin, and im thinkin the organization thingy does have smth similar to guns? I'll work out the details for the weapon later. So, eventually, Lazarus manages to just barely escape, and is. Kinda on the run. Moving as far as he reasonably could from where he was, he finds an abandoned temple, and fixes it up a little, now teaching swordfighting to aspiring paladins, or just anyone who wants to use a sword.

And lastly for those I have figured out, Pike! An ex-cleric, Pike served under the wizard Magnificus, having been one of his pupils. Not sure if I'm keeping the torture trials or not, but Mags still treated his students like shit, and Pike's interest in magic started dying down when she saw some knights in passing. Deciding she wanted to be a swordfighter instead, she ran away from Mag's lands, and started training to be a swordfighter, residing in a somewhat nearby village. And one day, while picking up some food from the market, Lazarus saw her training in a nearby field. And. Well. She was doing horribly. He had walked over and gave some pointers, and it eventually just led to her being one of his students at the temple. Pike having Lazarus as a mentor is completely self indulgent on my part bc I think it's cool and funky. Go funky sword people go!!

So, jotting down some ideas for Sado and Carla, im thinking Carla's an artificer, and one of her experiments eventually led to creating Sado (censoring it bc tumblr's a bitch and i aint typing dark clown you-know-who every time). Dunno the specifics, but she does have a huge fucking grudge against Lionel for smth, and just kinda. Wants him fucking dead, whether she kills him or Sado does. So yeah, she created Sado, basically making a chaos incarnate. Sado's a mix of a rogue and a wizard, running purely on magic, so she's able to bend reality quite a bit. While Carla spends most of her time in her workshop, Sado is constantly causing issues. So yeah, those two are, like, the big bads.

I'll make more posts with more ideas later, and add in any doodles I make, but thats what I got rn

Edit: Sado's safe to mention, just cant tag her, so i fixed every mention of her <3

[marshmallowprotection]

I rambled this out in the tags of my reblog of ur response to my... hm, "pink" ask, but i'll put it here anyways

I think ray and i are similar in the way of emotional sensitivity and people pleaser tendencies, albeit stemming from very different origins. For Ray, it's his traumas and the lifestyle and mindset he's been forced into. For me, it's the neurological disorder/learning difference I've had all my life, ADHD, and its accompanying RSD and anxiety.

One good thing about that bad friendship i got myself into was that i learned how to be a little more independent and how to overcome certain parts of my anxiety at times, as well as how to say no and to not give in so easily into the urge to just do whatever my friends ask.

So, I'm better than I was. But like I mentioned, its a little different when i dont know the person yet, and its especially different if theyre as sweet and kind as ray is. Honestly it gets me weak. I mean, even in the game, when i play AS (and his route) for the first time, i was very compliant to everything he said, especially since he seemed to have some confidence about him (i still cant tell if im just dumb or if he actually seems that way to others in the beginning). And thats not just cos i wanted to progress with the game; i chose the options i felt drawn to.

I'd have a hard time telling him no.

As for emotional sensitivity and RSD... itd be a loop i swear oh my days lol. He's always like "sorry sorry sorry pls dont hate me" and im sitting there like "same." If i was actually there id be like "no no never! Id never hate you i swear ur so freaking nice and sweet and fjbdjdbjd" and then like that very same day, say i shot him a text or two and he doesnt respond for like an hour. I get it. I know he's busy. I don't reach out further cos i dont wanna be annoying, i just wait. And wait. And tell myself he's busy. He doesn't hate me. He's just busy. ...did i say something wrong? Maybe i was confusing...? *proceeds to reread my texts like a million times, analyzing all the possible interpretations and probably scaring myself a couple times*

Finally a text comes in, or a chatroom with him opens up, and- here's where we differ. I keep those "what if he hates me" thoughts to myself. Instead its, "oh thank goodness lol i thought maybe i was being annoying or something or offended u or made u mad" (usually just one of those; which one i felt depends on the scenario) and even then it's only if an opportunity comes up. Sometimes i'll outright ask "was i being annoying? Sorry i know i can get out of hand sometimes" or say something like "just lemme know whenever im too overbearing or annoying or confusing or fast, etc". I tend to prefer to lean towards semi-subtle phrasing rather than outright asking.

But its like... "sorry sorry; are u mad?" "No!! No im not mad... but... i thought you'd be upset at me so I was afraid to face you... and then when you didnt text me i thought it even more..." "what??? No never! I didnt text u cos i thought u were mad!" Lmaooo

[417]

Yeah, I can totally relate to that internalized dialogue. So, it just seems that you can look at him and say same hat. I understand that feeling very well because I do it all the time too. Ray oftentimes gets overworked and overwhelmed by the thought that he's not doing enough, as a matter of fact, he's been told that he's not doing enough so he just thinks that constantly without anyone having to prompt him otherwise. A part of it might be a manipulation on his part but another part of it is genuine self-loathing. It is hard to say because he has moments where his genuine sincerity comes out and moments when his plans pop out. That's why I often tell people that he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yes, he is relatable in a sense but that doesn't mean that he is inherently good too.

His morality is a little skewed but you can't really blame him for it given how he was manipulated himself. It is a matter of getting to know him and helping him see that something is amiss that allows him to almost realize that it's not okay. It is just too easy to overanalyze and get overwhelmed by the smallest of details that may not mean anything. It's an unfortunate circumstance that many of us have to deal with.

He's definitely a lot to deal with, and you have to be on your toes and ready to deal with it. If you are not in the right headspace or you easily get overwhelmed by little comments that may not mean much, then it's probably going to be hard for you to deal with the situations that take place with him. Even I know that I would have some specific problems with it myself given he and I have so much in common. However, don't think that that counts you out or anything. You still have the capability to get through to him.

It just comes down to empathizing and reaching out to each other when things don't feel right. That is easier said than done though so yeah, it would be a little complicated. It'll turn into a game where you're reassuring him and he's reassuring you. Sometimes it's good if someone can understand you firsthand, because the thing you can help yourself in the process.

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Hi, i found your post about the phrase-triggered PTSD through the Kiryu autism tag (i recently found out i have autism and thats thanks to finishing the yakuza series and realising people HC kiryu as autistic which is how i went onto be diagnosed, although i dont see it as a diagnosis i see autism in terms of neurodivergency but this is a tangent) I don't presume to fully understand your struggles, but I just want to say you're not alone and you don't deserve this. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but familial trauma is something I struggle with as well, where i've had my fair share of being emotionally abused for being weird and different (i also have adhd, that was diagnosed last year, i take medication and stuff its neat). You deserve much better, and what she is doing to you is akin to abuse, she is purposely putting you in harm's way and you should absolutely report her, like the others in the comments of your post have probably said.

I do not want to step out of line but this next bit comes from a place of personal experience and from what i understood from your message: she is intentionally inflicting pain on you because she is engaging in power play. she is deeply insecure and muddled and confused by her own emotional problems (also probably because of autism given that her son has asd/aspergers and that's highly genetic) and she's formed some highly maladaptive behaviours because of this. however, this neither justifies her actions, nor am i asking you to forgive her. instead, you should not avoid her.

i know this sounds counter intuitive, and again this is just from my experience, and i dont claim to think it'll work for everyone. but avoidance would be playing into her power play, and from what i can understand you dont want to engage in it, you just want to exist and be at peace. in fact, you shouldnt avoid anyone who tries to hurt you, they do not have your best interests at heart. power play is never beneficial and i have never seen it be used to help people or to propagate kindness. (ive heard BDSM is a healthy outlet for power play but that requires a lot of trust and people outside that context generally dont give you a safeword).

I cant offer a simple alternative to avoidance, but i can say that if either she doesnt matter to you or power play doesnt matter to you, then it'll be a lot easier to discount her words. you'll find that when she uses triggering phrases, it has less of an impact coming from her, just because you have the knowledge that she is not someone who wants the best for you, nor is she someone who loves you.

and i know this is even harder, but never stop being compassionate and understanding, from what i can tell you're an incredibly empathetic and understanding person. do not change that about yourself, and im confident that as long as you are sure of who you are, you'll get through anything. i think i'll end my unsolicited ramble there, and i hope to have been some kind of help. if you ever need to, please feel free to dm me. if you feel like this advice doesnt apply to you, you can discount it. either way im rooting for you and im confident you can get through this.

Hello and thank you so much for your words of support. It really means a lot!

As for the terrible coworker, she actually got fired not long after I made those posts because, surprise, she wasn't just awful to me, she was awful to everyone. I have the satisfaction of knowing I outlived her at the company ^^

And thank you once more ^^