#i started to work on it last night... this specific theme came from me fucking around on toyhouse...

[7-deadly-cats]

the bastard & the clown

★ P A I R I N G ★ boxer!rafe cameron x witty!barkeeper!reader + some platonic barry x reader

★ S U M M A R Y ★ you’re working a regular shift at the bar you run when rafe and barry drop by for a chill night out. but when a pair of men at the counter start running their mouths, rafe puts one specific bastard politely in his place.

★ C O N T E N T W A R N I N G ★ rafe's pov, cursing / strong language, mild suggestive language and themes, (verbal) themes of toxic masculinity/sexism/misogyny/domestic violence/tradwife, semi jealous!rafe, also flustered!rafe hihihi, physical violence (a punch) & mentions of blood

★ W O R D C O U N T ★ 6.4k+ (it was supposed to be 3k help)

★ A / N ★ been wanting to introduce this duo in a while now and thought they could fit @zyafics campaign. also, thought it'd be ironic if rafe got to put some asshole in his place who basically represents some of these twisted versions of him. a lot longer than intended but i got a little carried away. also only proofread twice so pls don't mind any context mistakes. anyway, hope you guys enjoy and lmk what you think <3

ps: idk if it gets clear throughout the fic (or the title hahahah) but each man at the counter is assigned a term. so don't get confused, 'clown' always refers to one guy and 'bastard' to the other.

xx ᓚᘏᗢ

R. C. M A S T E R L I S T | T A G L I S T F O R M

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

"Ahhh, now I get why you insisted on coming here, Country Club," Barry said with a fuckass grin as the bar’s wooden entrance door swung shut behind them.

The two of them just came back from a boxing session, freshly showered, and now in need of some time out.

Rafe followed that idiot's gaze, a scowl already forming on his face.

The Bastard’s Lighter was packed with a mixed crowd of shitty people, the air thick with smoke and the sharp bite of cheap whiskey. Round tables glowed under soft golden lighting, casting gentle shadows over laughing assholes and clusters of sweet girls beneath them.

Some of those girls had even turned their heads when the two of them walked in, flashing Rafe pretty smiles and giggles in their cute little summer dresses (god, how he loved this season for exactly that). They were probably hoping he’d come over and talk to one of them.

But he didn't give a shit about them.

Why should he? Because at the far end of the room, the bar awaited—a silver-lit, crescent-shaped counter with high stools offering seats with the view on the best part of this entire place.

You.

The hot bartender with the cheeky laugh and teasing smiles, the one who could outdrink any bastard who dared challenge you.

Or better: the girl Rafe had come here for tonight.

That scowl threatening to creep onto his face quickly disappeared, replaced by a faint smile and softened gaze.

"Come on, loverboy," Barry chuckled, clapping a hand on Rafe’s shoulder and nudging him forward. "Don’t wanna keep your lady waiting. Might be some other slick bastard trying his luck.”

And the scowl was right back.

Rafe turned around with a tilt of his head, eyes squinted, a crooked smile playing on his lips as he tapped Barry’s chest. “You fucker behave tonight, alright?”

“Me?” Barry raised his brows in mock innocence, shaking his head with an amused snort. “Dunno what you’re trynna tell me here, big boy, but I’m just here to drink and enjoy your delightful company. I ain’t ever—“

“Just keep count of your fucking drinks, yeah?”, Rafe said, brows furrowed as he held Barry's stupid grin. “You falling from the stool tonight, I’ll leave you there. I'm not dealing with the same shit as last time.”

Shit, Rafe had been so close to getting your number—hell, you’d already pulled out your cute little notepad and pen, that teasing glint in your eyes, the first two digits already written down—and then swamp rat Barry ruined this one-in-a-million chance by almost throwing up on the counter.

Idiot hadn't just embarrassed himself, trying to drink a dockworker the size of a bear under the table, but Rafe as well. And right in front of you on top of that.

Barry was lucky Rafe had even let him tag along tonight. He would’ve preferred bringing Kelce this time—that idiot at least knew how to be a decent wingman—but he was on some kind of detox bullshit and wouldn’t go near fast food or booze right now.

Barry let out a lazy chuckle. “Not my fault for—“

“I don’t give a shit”, Rafe cut him off, passive-aggressively fixing the crease he’d caused on Barry's tank top with a one-sided smile. “Don’t act like a clown, and I won’t treat you like one. Can’t be that hard, right?”

For a moment Barry just eyed him, mouth tugged into a downward smile, then he raised his hands in surrender. “A’right, a’right, Country Club. Relax your balls.” He nodded toward the bar. “Now get ya fancy ass movin', ya girl's been eyeing the wrong guy the past five minutes.”

Shit, what.

Rafe’s head snapped around.

Aw, hell no, fuck that.

There you were, a few meters down, chatting with some greasy fucker in his late forties, dressed in a cheap-ass Suitsupply suit (yeah, Rafe could smell that offense from across the room). And it wasn’t just one bastard you were serving with that practiced little smile—knowing full well they were disgusting pricks but also well aware you could squeeze some good profit out of them—but another one of this breed sat right beside him.

Rafe only saw the backs of their heads in those terrible excuses for suits, but he could still make out the balding patches from over here (not to mention the probably receding hairlines). He didn’t need to see their faces to know exactly how they were looking at you—lecherous grins and eyes creeping over places they had no business looking.

He knew their type. He'd seen men like these at business events of his dad.

Middle-class managers leading some irrelevant departments at some irrelevant company selling irrelevant shit. And when they weren’t sitting in their sad little three-square-meter offices, drinking bad coffee and pretending their phone calls were presidential briefings, they hit up country clubs and bars, puffing cigars and sipping whiskey, trying to make up for their miserable little lives by gathering in their self-proclaimed alpha circles.

And the worst part? They probably had a sweet wife and kids waiting at home, but instead chose to sit at a bar ogling the boobs and butt of a bartender in her twenties.

Pathetic losers.

Rafe's fingers were already twitching as he followed after Barry. And of course, as lucky as he was, only three stools left at the bar. Right next to those wannabe CEOs.

Fucking great.

Barry plopped down next to some sweet girl while Rafe had no choice but to sit down beside one of the pricks—at least one stool of space between them.

He would’ve loved nothing more than to just chase them off, but he didn’t wanna cause a scene in front of you. And, judging by the stack of glasses in front of them, you were at least making decent money off these pricks.

Besides, he knew you could handle yourself if you needed to. No reason to question that.

“Be right with you, boys,” you said with a cheeky grin, not even looking up as you mixed one of the losers a Jack & Coke (a pathetic drink for a pathetic clown).

God, but the way you worked the bottles so smoothly, not spilling a single drop. Rafe could watch you behind the bar for hours, soaking up your energy and that laugh.

“No worries, Boss,” Barry called back, matching your grin and already reaching for a peanut bowl next to him. “Got allll the time in the world.”

That stupid-ass nickname of his even made you laugh, making a soft smile creep onto Rafe’s face too.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” the clown next to Rafe slurred, voice already half gone, as you slid the glass toward him (Rafe could feel his blood pressure spike the second that fucker tried sneaking a look down your top).

You let out a light breath, pulling the drink back with a raised brow. “Aww, didn’t you see? ‘Sweetheart’ isn’t on the menu. Unless you’re cool with paying ten bucks for it every time.”

The clown had the audacity to gasp. “What? No way. Not happening.”

“Shame,” you said, pretending to pout. “You looked like a guy who could afford it.” You shrugged and started pulling the drink back again. “But I guess I was wrong—”

“I am!” the guy cut in, nodding like a maniac. “CEO of Bulk & Bloom. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”

Rafe almost burst out laughing. That fuckass health/gym/whatever store Kelce swore by? That's what he was CEO of? Most embarrassing shit Rafe had heard all month.

You tilted your head with a pondering expression, face all scrunched up like you were desperately trying to remember the sad little company he worked at (god, the way you played that clown, milking him for cash—shit was so fucking hot).

"Oh, yeah, I remember now," you finally said, fluttering your lashes at the stupid fucker (Rafe knew it was all an act, but that little gesture still stirred something vile in him). "Then I’m all the more confident that a man in such an important position won't mind coughing up a few extra bucks, right?" Without waiting for that pathetic clown's response, you slid the drink across the counter toward him, your voice slipping back into your true tone. "Just leave it on the bill later, sweetheart."

As soon as you turned to face Rafe and Barry, Rafe straightened up, unable to hide a smile as your pretty eyes landed on him for a second—

—before your gaze fell on swamp rat Barry.

“B!” A wide grin spread across your face as you leaned against the lower bar with one hand, the other resting on your hip. “Good to see you. You recovered from last time? Looked pretty rough.”

Acting as if Rafe wasn't here. Ha. Funny. Fucking hilarious.

Barry nodded, swallowing a handful of peanuts. “Sure as hell did, Boss. Shouldn’t have mixed my drinks so heavy.”

You chuckled, a sweet sound Rafe wished had been directed at him. "Nah, you shouldn't have participated in a drinking game with Big Ol' Hank."

“Could’ve warned me about the guy’s skills. Man’s a bear,” Barry said, shaking his head with a lopsided smile.

You turned and pointed toward a portrait on the wall behind you—a big, grumpy-looking dude. Below him, a golden plaque read: Keeper of the Lighter since 1977. His fire never died, and neither did his thirst.

“I’m pretty sure that should've been warning enough,” you replied, amused, as you turned back to them, nodding toward Rafe. “Lucky your boyfriend walked you home that night. Would’ve been a real shame to find you washed up dead on the shore the next morning.”

"Fucker's not my boyfriend", Rafe said.

With a raised brow, you finally spared him a glance, that cheeky smile playing on your lips. “You sure? You two come in here every week, giggling like schoolgirls over god-knows-what, drinking the same kind of beer, and now you even got matching buzzcuts.” A chuckle escaped you. “Surprised you’re not wearing each other’s names around your wrists.”

Fuck that.

Rafe had the buzzcut first and a week later fucking Barry decided to chop off his hair too, for whatever fucking reason.

The worst part? You might actually believe Rafe was taken now.

“Boy’s lips probably taste like shit from kissing his daddy’s ass,” Barry said before Rafe could reply, and the fucker was lucky Rafe didn’t deck him right then and there. "Ain't wanna get involved with that mess."

Not a wingman. A fucking clipman, cutting off any chance Rafe might’ve had with you.

“I’m not—” Rafe started with a deep frown, but shut his mouth when some girl at the far end of the bar called your name.

“Coming!” you called back, then turned to Rafe with a teasing little smile in your eyes. “Sorry, Ralph, no time for—”

"Rafe."

“Right. Anyway,” you said, grabbing your notepad and pen from your waist. “The usual, I assume? Two Modelos?”

Barry nodded and motioned to the empty peanut bowl. “And refill this, would you?”

“For you, always,” you said grinning, scribbling something down, then looked up at Rafe with an expectant expression. “And you, handsome?”

Rafe blinked.

Wait, what.

Shit, why the fuck did he feel his cheeks heat up and why the fuck did you eye him like that? Like you were staring straight into his damn soul.

Rafe let out a baffled chuckle, scratching his jaw with furrowed brows. "Uh, PBR this time."

“Oh, feeling adventurous today, I see,” you teased with a grin, jotting it down. You quickly refilled Barry’s snack bowl and left with a “Be right back.”

Rafe’s eyes trailed after you, drinking up the way your hips swayed as you walked—sweet yet confident. That whole attitude of yours… shit was driving him absolutely crazy.

After Wheezie, you were probably the coolest girl Rafe had ever met. Always so unbothered, quick-witted, cheeky, and with the perfect flirt-to-roast ratio.

And Rafe still hadn't bagged you. Shit was starting to get embarrassing.

"Boy's in love."

Rafe’s gaze snapped to Barry, who was watching him with a way too shit-eating grin for someone who’d just narrowly avoided a punch to the face.

“You know if you’re trying to get your ass beat tonight, you’re on the right track,” Rafe said, tilting his head with a crooked smile.

Barry just chuckled and reached for another peanut, but Rafe grabbed the shitty-ass bowl and moved it out of reach.

“I’m serious, dude,” he said, gesturing to his chest with both hands. “Told you not to clown around tonight, and you go spouting bullshit like I’m not right here.”

Like, what the fuck was that ass-kissing comment about? Seriously.

“What?” Barry raised a brow, grinning as he leaned on the counter. “Don’t tell me Country Club’s scared I’ll shoo away his girl.”

More like cockblocking Rafe but yeah, same fucking thing.

“All I’m fucking saying is—” Rafe started, but Barry waved him off before he could finish.

"You’ve already almost won the race, bro, a’right," he said with that fuckass smile, jerking his thumb back toward where you were chatting with some other chick. "You think Little Miss Bar Queen would bother exchanging more than just your order with you if she didn’t already consider you rocking her world, at least a little?"

For a second, Rafe just stared at the idiot.

Could that be true? Were you actually interested in Rafe? Sure, you’d been cool enough to (almost) give him your number last time, but not even remembering his fucking name now… that shit felt like a punch straight to the gut.

Okay, shit, yeah, of course, you served all kinds of people every day, some shittier than others, and of course, there were guys in the mix who liked you just as much as Rafe did. A blind man could see how fucking gorgeous you were.

And of fucking course you'd flirt back. That’s just how you were. And as much as it gnawed at Rafe’s chest, as much as it stirred something deep and ugly in his gut, it wasn’t all that unlikely that you gave your number out to other guys too.

But swamp rat Barry claiming Rafe actually had a shot with you? That shit lit something in him. A wave of energy crashing through him, almost feeling as good as snorting a line (yeah yeah, Rafe was clean now, but the comparison still fit).

Shit, okay, so maybe he needed a new approach. Maybe he just had to—

"--beat up my wife if she'd dared talk to me like that", the bastard beside the clown said loud enough for Rafe to hear.

Shit, what the fuck?

"I'm serious," the bastard continued his bullshit, talking to the clown. "You let every woman talk to you like that, and pretty soon they start thinking they own you. When in reality, it's the other way around, ain't it?"

The clown nodded, letting out a sigh. “Yeah, yeah I guess you’re right, Tommy, I just—“

“What’s with the scowl, bro?” Barry said, ripping Rafe out of the retarded convo next to him. “Tried cheering your sulky ass up and here you are—“

Rafe shushed him with a wave, brows deeply furrowed. “Shut the fuck up for one second.”

"Man, am I glad I'm not your boyfriend," Barry muttered, reaching over to pull his snack bowl back and skimming the menu.

Fuckass.

“—that’s why it’s important to put them in their place, alright?”, the bastard continued preaching. “Women want someone they can follow. It’s natural they seek a man who protects them and cares for them.” He tapped the counter aggressively. “Wonder why there are no female presidents yet? Exactly! We are born leaders.”

Oh, Rafe was this close to getting up and smashing that fucker in the face, knocking a few teeth out, and giving him a pretty little black eye to match. His knuckles were still warm from earlier, would be a shame not to put that last burst of energy to use.

But nah.

He held himself back. Now he was curious. Let that asshole keep talking. Maybe he was witnessing the dumbest fucker in world history present himself right here, and Rafe wasn’t about to miss that celebration.

"Guess that makes sense," the clown slurred, swirling his half-empty Jack & Coke. "Harris is always bitching about me getting home late and not helping with the chores. I think I just gotta remind her of her role in this family, right?"

The bastard knocked on the wooden counter, a filthy chuckle escaping his lips. "You get it, man! She's working remote, right? So what's she complaining about? Got all the time in the world to prep the house for when you get home."

Rafe's blood boiled just beneath the surface. He hadn't heard this level of fucked-up nonsense in a LONG time. Last time, some cocky little shit at the boxing club thought he had a chance against Rafe. Like, was there something in the air lately making people extra fucking stupid?

The clown sighed, staring into his drink. "I just don't know how to—"

"Okay, beautifuls, sorry it took so long." The sweet sound of your voice yanked Rafe out of this retard bubble. "Former high school friend decided to say hi."

With a soft thud, you placed two bottles of beer in front of the guys. The Modelo you slid over to Barry. "Here you go, B." And the PBR to Rafe, a bolt of lightning surging through him as you winked at him. "And this one for his cute boyfriend." You leaned back, drying your hands on the rag at your hip. "Anything else?"

Rafe blinked.

Cute!

Shit, why did that make the funniest feeling arise in his chest? He felt like some schoolgirl going insane over her crush.

Get a fucking grip, dude. Jesus.

"Get his fancy ass some ice," Barry mumbled, mouth full of peanuts, thumbing toward Rafe. "Boy decided to go gloveless at training today. Now he's hurting but too proud to admit it."

Rafe was gonna kill Barry the moment they stepped outside. Sure, his knuckles were still throbbing, but he wasn't hurt. What the fuck was that swamp rat even on?

Your soft chuckle melted Rafe's scowl, eyes sparkling with mischief. "Yeah? Wanna let me take a closer look when I'm done here? I'm sure you could use someone to tape that up after such a session."

Oh?

A breathy laugh escaped Rafe as he raised a brow, nerves buzzing under his skin. "What, you some kind of part-time sports therapist or some shit?"

"No, but my aunt is," you said with a grin, tilting your head. "Picked up a few things from her. And I'm guessing it's real tough to reach your back on your own."

Fuck yeah. Now Rafe had officially been allowed in the ring.

"Alright," he said, smiling crookedly, fingers picking at the beer label. "When's your shift over?"

"As soon as the place closes down," you replied, grinning. "Guess you'll have to stick around for a few more hours."

Oh, you could bet your sweet little ass he would.

Rafe shrugged, corners of his mouth tugging down as he shook his head lightly. "I'm free." Then mirrored your grin. "Seats here are kinda shit, but I guess the view makes up for it."

And the genuine laugh that escaped your usually bold mouth felt like snorting three lines in a row (nah, fr, Rafe was clean, alright).

"Okay, then," you said, nodding at the beers. "If you need anything else, just holler. Got other customers to tend to."

With that, you spun your cheeky ass around and walked down to the other side of the bar where some old ladies were sitting.

"Shiiit, dude," Barry said with the biggest grin ever, gulping down a sip of his shitty-ass Modelo. "I think I just third-wheeled some telepathic sex right here. Might as well thank me for giving ya the nudge."

Rafe scoffed with a shake of his head, taking a sip of his PBR and immediately regretting his choice of beer. "You can thank me for not beating the shit out of you later."

A giggle left Barry's lips and whatever smart-ass reply he threw back, Rafe didn't register, because right next to him, three seats down, he caught the bastard tossing another comment to his clown friend.

"See, Frank, and that girl right there?" Oh, that fucker meant you, huh. "Pitiful. Probably no man at home to teach her not to swing her ass around other men in public. Sad what girls are turning into."

"Say that again." Rafe had now fully turned toward the two sorry-ass losers, head leaning forward, eyes locked on the bastard behind the clown.

Both looked up. The clown blinked, confused. The bastard raised a brow like he couldn’t believe someone had just interrupted their little alpha circle jerk.

"Sorry?" the bastard said, eyeing Rafe up and down like he was sizing up if the boy in a polo and shorts deserved to be taken seriously.

Rafe nodded, letting out a sharp scoff. "Yeah, you're gonna be sorry if you open that fucking mouth of yours one more time."

The bastard's face scrunched up and in that moment he seemed to decide Rafe was beneath him. "Boy, best not get involved in things that don't concern you."

That’s when Rafe knew for sure: this asshole was getting punched tonight. Just a matter of when.

"Bullshit’s spilling out of you like this place is a fucking stable," Rafe replied with a crooked smile. "So yeah, it does concern me when your shit's reeking all the way to my seat."

The clown was already sinking into his stool, but the bastard apparently thought Rafe was the joke here. He let out a disbelieving breath, not even looking at Rafe anymore as he turned to the clown, gesturing in Rafe’s direction. “See that, Frank? That’s what happens when a father doesn’t raise his son right. His mother was probably—”

“Finish that sentence, and your loser friend can go ahead and reserve you a hospital bed.” Rafe’s voice had dropped to a low edge, his expression far too calm for how close he was to dragging that fucker’s face across the counter.

The fucking audacity—not just dragging you and his dad through the mud, but now even throwing Rafe’s dead mother in too?

“Rafe, bro, come on,” Barry said from behind. “Idiots like him ain’t worth it.”

But Rafe spared him no mind, gaze fixed on the bastard three seats down.

The clown of the duo just looked between them, then down at his sad little Jack & Coke like he hadn’t just sat in the middle of all this shit, like he hadn’t co-signed every word his bastard friend had said. (Don’t worry—Rafe would deal with his sorry ass later.)

“I know your type, boy,” the bastard went on, eyeing Rafe’s clothes again (if only he knew Rafe owned socks that cost more than his entire outfit). “Dropped out of school, probably had some rebellious phase, and of course no real man around to beat you into shape. What a shame. Society’s raised nothing but soft little men these days.”

Rafe tilted his head slightly, brows raised in mock confusion. “Funny hearing that from a pathetic loser like you. Talking about ‘real men’ like you even qualify.”

As soon as the bastard started laughing, Rafe was on his feet, brushing off Barry's hand as he stepped around the clown. He let out an amused breath and rubbed his jaw with a shake of his head as he came to a stop in front of the bastard. "Not sure what's so funny about that."

The drunk clown nearly tripped over himself pushing himself off the stool, mumbling something about needing to piss as he staggered away. The bastard only furrowed his brow, watching his loser friend stumble off.

“What do you know about being a man?” he spat, turning back to Rafe, the wrinkles in his face bunching up like worn-out leather. He nodded toward Barry. “Your friend’s a pogue by the looks of it, and you...” His eyes dropped to Rafe’s sneakers. “Either the same breed or some kook who lost his crown.”

What the actual fuck was even going on in this fucker's brain? Fucking apes had more relevant shit to say than him.

"Yeah, talking reaal big for a guy with a knockoff Armani suit two sizes too big for a small fucker like you," Rafe snorted, eyeing the bastard down for a second. "Suit's fake, Rolex fake, shoes look like you got 'em from TKMinimum, and what's that?"

Rafe let out a disbelieving scoff, raising his brows as he gestured toward the fucker's feet. "Socks matching the color of your cheap-ass suit. Lemme guess: trying to appear taller to compensate for your poor little ego and tiny cock. I mean, shit", Rafe ran a hand over his buzzed hair, grinning crookedly as his gaze zeroed in on the guy’s forehead, "Even your fucking hairline’s running away from the bullshit coming out of your mouth."

Sure, Rafe could've given him some preaching about how to treat women and how fucking stupid his fuckass worldview was but that idiot was too far gone already and the only way to put him in his place was to question his entire appearance.

That's what guys like him actually cared about. Not morals, not decency, just how they appeared in public and whether everyone saw just how glorious and wealthy they were.

And the way that pathetic loser looked at Rafe now? Worth more than all the silver, gold, or diamonds in the entire damn world.

And then the cherry on top: your chuckle from behind the bastard—light and effortless, like the ring of a bell announcing Rafe's victory after a boxing match.

Rafe hadn't even noticed you coming up but now he felt like a fucking winner getting to put a fucker like that in his place in front of you AND getting that sweet sound out of you for the second time tonight.

And then, that bastard made the biggest fucking mistake of his entire pitiful life.

He turned his head back, eyes daring to look you over as he let out a disdainful scoff. When he made a hushing motion with his hand, he said "Do me a favor, woman, and--"

Rafe’s fist collided with the asshole’s face, a sickening crack echoing through the air—nearly as satisfying as your chuckle just right now.

The guy let out a sharp gasp as he stumbled back from his stool, hands flying up to his broken nose just in time to catch the blood now spilling over his fingers and lips. He crashed chest-first onto the seat next to him, bleeding all over the supposedly precious leather cushion.

The area around the bar went dead silent, except for a group of girls giggling about something in the back and fucking Nickelback playing on the speakers.

Rafe quietly met your gaze as he rubbed at his throbbing knuckles, while the bastard on the floor dramatically moaned like he’d been shot instead of just having his nose broken.

And you cheeky little thing only raised your eyebrows at Rafe, the faintest smile playing on your lips. “I’m pretty sure the house rules say no fights.”

Oh, how much Rafe loved that glimmer in your eyes.

"And I'm pretty sure it needs two for a fight", Rafe replied with a scoff and gestured to the sorry-ass loser clutching onto the stool. "Bastard's nowhere near to even be considered a walking vendor for a match, let alone a contestant."

“Shit, Country Club, this ain’t no damn boxing ring,” Barry chimed in with a chuckle, tossing the bleeding bastard a wad of tissues onto the stool beside him. “Bro, you’re staining the seats.”

The groaning bastard finally pushed himself up and knocked the tissues off the stool, one hand clutched to his nose, blood running through his fingers and dripping onto his knockoff suit and cheap-ass shoes.

Aww, and even a bloodshot eye—how unfortunate.

Now that was a picture worthy of being framed behind the bar. Gold plaque underneath: Biggest Retard in the Universe (since birth probably).

“You’ll be hearing from my lawyer, you little shit,” the bastard groaned, eyes watery from the punch, glaring at Rafe with a face so twisted, he looked like he was mid-way through busting the world’s saddest nut.

Rafe almost let out a giggle. Instead, he just nodded, lips curled. “Looking forward to it. Be so kind and address it straight to Thornton LLP, yeah?” And on the bastard’s delightfully baffled expression, Rafe piled on: “A very busy man, but if he sees my name on the envelope, I’m sure you’ll get priority.”

The bastard’s jaw clenched, and he let out another theatrical groan. “And that would be?”

“Rafe Cameron.”

Boom.

That was when it finally clicked in that baboon brain of his. Face pale, eyes wide as he realized just how far beneath Rafe he actually was in this little imaginary hierarchy of his. Fucker looked close to either pissing himself or throwing up just thinking about how expensive his own lawyer would be if he actually pulled through with his complaint.

A crooked smile played on Rafe’s lips as he raised his brows. “Need me to write it down for you?”

The bastard just stared blankly at him, and shit, even had the nerve to look over Rafe’s clothes again, like he couldn’t believe some dude in a basic polo and shorts was the CEO of Cameron Estates and Ward Cameron’s son.

“A'right, my guy,” Barry said, pushing off from his stool and grabbing the bastard’s shoulder. “Guess that was ya cue to leave. Pretty sure ya got plenty of paperwork waiting back at home now.”

“Get your filthy hands off me,” the bastard spat, shoving Barry’s hand away—and that alone nearly made Rafe punch him again, give him a matching bruise on the other side. “Fucking pogue. Thinks he has any say around here.”

“No, but I do.” Your voice rang out from behind the bar, hands braced on the lower ledge, an amused smile on your face. “Looks like you should call it a night, mister.” Grin deepening. “Not before you pay, though. For you and your sweetheart of a husband, of course.”

Barry said something like “I’ll get him, Boss,” and strolled off toward the restrooms.

The bastard’s chest rose and fell, face as red as the blood on it. “Back in my day, a bitch like you—”

“Shiiit, man,” Rafe chuckled low, grabbing the fucker by the shoulder and patting his chest. “You’re really asking for it right now, huh?”

Oh, and Rafe drank in that anger and fear in the guy’s eyes up like liquid coke, too scared to shove Rafe off.

Rafe nodded toward you with a crooked grin. “You’re gonna apologize to the nice lady now, pay for the drinks you and your loser buddy have downed, and then get your pathetic asses outta here.” He raised his brows with a smile. “Sound good?”

Bastard already opened his mouth but Rafe shook his head, tapping his chest with a finger, grip on his shoulder getting just a little firmer. “You’re lucky if all that bullshit earlier was just talk. Otherwise, I’m sure the cops would love a chat with that wife you bragged about beating.”

That silenced that fucker very quickly.

Rafe raised his eyebrows, waiting. “I mean, unless you need a second reminder—”

“I-I’m sorry”, the bastard blurted out.

“Nah,” Rafe said with a shake of his head, gesturing from himself to you. “Don’t tell me that shit. Apologize to her.”

A chuckle escaped your lips as the bastard finally met your gaze, brows scrunched into a pained grimace. “I’m sorry.”

Rafe let out an amused breath, clapping the bastard’s chest. “Shit, see? Easy. Now you do the same shit at home and question your morals and maybe hell’s promoting your room just a level.”

And the fact that that was apparently the scariest idea to this asshole? Not surprising. Guys like him always preached about God and then used it as an excuse for all the shit they did.

“There ya go,” Barry said as he came back in, dragging the drunk clown from earlier along. By the looks and stench of him, he’d just thrown up. “Now go over there and give the lady a generous tip, a’right?”

He did. Both of these fuckers, as a matter of fact.

Rafe and Barry both watched over their shoulders as each of the two reluctantly pulled out a $200 bill (surprised they even had those—then again, probably received them at some sad little business anniversary).

You flashed a big smile as you accepted that 60% tip. “Thanks, dearies. Hope you had a fun night.”

Rafe didn’t even let them respond, just politely kicked the bastard toward the door while Barry dragged the clown along after him.

Outside, the same clown stumbled forward and hit the pavement, landing on hands and knees in a puddle after Barry gave him a friendly shove. “Shit, bro, nobody told you the South Side ain’t no place for suits?”

“Don't think those cheap-ass knockoffs even deserve that term,” Rafe scoffed, then nodded at Barry to head back in. He didn’t want to spend another second around these losers.

Shit felt like a stain on Rafe’s evening.

Back at the bar, they were greeted by a bucket of soapy water, a pair of old gloves, and a sponge. The vibe in the place? Completely back to normal.

“You made the mess, you clean it,” you said firmly with your arms crossed—very clearly talking to Rafe only. Then, with that familiar amusement back in your voice, you added, “Want me to grab you an apron too?”

Rafe chuckled, mouth twitching into a downward grin. “You’d love that, huh?”

Oh, and that cheeky little laugh you let out? Priceless.

You tossed the rag in your hand over your shoulder, shrugging. “Nothing hotter than watching a man do chores.”

Honestly? For you, he’d probably even get on his knees and scrub the floor in an apron if you asked for it.

Fucking shit. What.

Alright, Barry had definitely hit Rafe too hard in today’s training. Now it was catching up to him, frying his brain into thinking shit like that.

“Yeah, nah,” Rafe said with a strained chuckle, running a hand over his buzzed hair. “I got this.”

A laugh slipped from your lips, nodding. “Alright. You two enjoy the rest of your night. I’ve got guests to take care of.”

“Wait!” Rafe called after you just as you were turning to leave. “Your offer—it still stands, right?”

Geez, what the fuck was up with his voice? Suddenly almost desperate. Even fucking Barry chuckled beside him.

And you? You just shot Rafe that signature teasing smile of yours, flashing your white teeth as a chuckle escaped you that made Rafe’s stomach tingle in all the right ways.

“The stool won’t clean itself, boxer boy,” you said, then turned that sweet ass of yours around and walked over to some new guests at a table in the back.

Was that a yes?

Shit, that had to be a yes. Otherwise, you’d have said No, right? Right???

"A'right bro, you have fun cleaning that shit up", Barry said as he patted Rafe's shoulder. "I'll go have a chit chat with the lady that's been eyeing me the whole night."

Rafe grimaced. "That just some bullshit excuse to dip?"

As much as Barry pissed him off, he did fuck with his ass. And now he wanted to bail after Rafe had allowed him to come along? The fuck was that.

Barry chuckled. “Ain’t goin’ far, Country Club. See,” he pointed toward a smiley redhead near the entrance—one of the girls who had turned around earlier. “I’ll be just around the corner. No need to panic about being orphaned." He smiled lazily. "Besides, I’ve had enough of third-wheeling ya and Little Miss Bar Queen eye-fucking each other.”

Fuckass.

Fine. Let him dip.

Rafe furrowed his brows and waved Barry off with a flick of his hand. “Aight. Go do your thing, then.”

After the swamp rat called Barry had strutted off, Rafe eyed the cleaning supplies on the bar with a deep frown. Never in his life had he cleaned up after anyone, let alone himself. Probably would’ve been easier to just buy a brand new damn barstool and maybe some new floor panels than to stand here looking like a damn idiot.

He could already picture the headlines if anyone actually cared enough to report it:

Rafe Cameron, CEO of Cameron Estates and local boxing champ, ready to start a new career path as cleaning lady? Inquiries welcome.

Yeah, whatever.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

And right now? That meant cleaning up the mess he’d made in your bar.

Letting out a heavy sigh, he walked up to the counter, stepping around the small crusted pool of blood on the floor (the bastard had bled like a goddamn pig for someone with just a broken nose).

And when Rafe stretched his fingers out to pull the gloves on, his heart skipped a beat as he spotted a little note. Torn straight from your notepad, by the looks of it.

He expected to find some numbers written on them but this was even better.

Rafe stared at the note for a solid minute, eyes locked on your pretty handwriting, lingering on the way you’d written his name.

Then, carefully, he folded the paper and tucked it into his pocket.

And just like that, the biggest motherfucking grin spread across his lips, feeling like he’d won the second round tonight.

If he played the cards right, the third was just right around the corner—set on a private stage reserved for just the two of you.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

𝒔𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒂𝒍 𝒄𝒂𝒕 ᨐฅ 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑟𝑒𝑏𝑙𝑜𝑔𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑠

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

R. C. M A S T E R L I S T | T A G L I S T F O R M

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[tetotrinsky2006]

new blog layout ^__^

[kvrokasaa]

Please, Don't Leave Me

Karasu x reader

cw: Gn!pronouns but afab!reader, reader has female genitalia, implied cunnilingus, and sex, suggestive themes at the end, angst-ish, fluff, kinda forced plot ngl, Karasu's accent might be off, not proofread, Otoya being respectful to a woman 😨, Isagi and Bachira are mentioned once.

2.5k words

Today felt off. Well, more specifically, the past week has felt off. You don’t know if you’re the only one feeling this way. But it’s like the shift in your relationship has turned.

Every time you try and get attention from your boyfriend, he waves you off. Literally. He waves his hand, acting as if you’re a fly pestering him.

You don’t know what started this behavior. Just two weeks ago you both were fine. Visiting your family and having a nice time. You know it wasn’t anything your family said, they don’t pry into your relationships. But you can’t seem to figure it out for the life of you.

Just last night when you came over to his place, you tried to ask if he wanted to watch a movie with you. It was movie night, every week you both dedicate a night to watching movies, whatever happens, happens. But Karasu simply shrugged and said, “ ’s late and I have early practice tomorrow.”

Karasu never shrugs off movie night.

As to get some clarification for why this is happening, you decide to show up at his practice. And it wasn’t early morning, which made you even more confused.

So much questions and so little answers.

As you make your way to the field, they stopped playing for minute to catch their breaths and drink some water, you pass by a few of his teammates. They all give you confused glances.

You’ve never once showed up to his practices. Only to his games. It’s not because you didn’t want to, he just never asked and you didn’t want to intrude.

You carry a little bag in your hand. He forgot his lunch and, being a good s/o, you decided to bring it with you.

“Hey baby,” the words come out as you rest your head on his back. “You forgot your lunch, here.”

You hand him the bag. It’s already past noon, but you’re guessing he didn’t have anything to eat unless his friends offered some of their food.

He only grunted in response and took the bag from your hand, rather forcefully too. “Thanks.” His response was curt.

He made his way to the benches and set the bag down.

“Why have you been ignoring me,” you’re not sure ignoring was the right word, but it was among the similarities of the traits he’s been showing you this past week. “I’m not ignoring ya.” His voice was laced with malice. You don’t know why, but your body reacted before your brain as it flinched a little.

His words, even the mean ones, never seemed to startle you. But after the agonizing thoughts every night, which caused less and less sleep, you couldn’t think straight. Which resulted in your body moving before you could think to stop it.

If he was concerned or remorseful about his attitude, he didn’t show it. His face was hardened and still, as if it was sculpted.

“It doesn’t feel like that. You’ve been putting me off all week. Not even a good morning text. What’s…” Your voice died off as you saw him turn around and glare at you. He’s acting like you broke one of his million dollar vases, which he does own unironically.

“Is that what ya want? A ‘good morning’ text, a ‘how was your day?’ text? I’m working my ass off all day to provide for me and you and yer complaining that I don’t show enough love? Just be grateful for once in our fucking relationship.”

You wanted to bite back, to tell him that you work too. Sure your job doesn’t pay as well as his does, but he also has the inheritance from his family to back him up. You don’t. You get up every morning and work, you don’t complain either. Sure, what you’re doing now can be classified as complaining, but you rarely ever open your mouth to complain. And you are grateful, you don’t know how many times you’ve been grateful in your relationship with him. It’s not a chore for you, but he’s acting like you’ve never said, ‘thank you,’ to him once.

But you bite your tongue when he opens his mouth again. “I don’t think ya understand, Y/n. I play soccer for me; this is the only chance I get to be away from you. But now you show up and have to ruin everything. Get it through yer thick skull, I don’t want you around unless it’s necessary.”

Your eyes widen at his last sentence. Did he think you were a chore to be around? Did he only want you around when he felt it was convenient? Did he ever think of you as his s/o?

You aren’t one to cry in public places, sometimes you even hold back your tears in your own bedroom. You don’t like the feeling of tears sliding down your cheeks. You hate the feeling of pain and failure. You’ve never even cried in front of your own boyfriend and you have been together for six months now.

But you can’t stop the tear from falling down your cheek and onto the grassy field. You manage to stop the next one, and the one after that. You sniffle and nod your head. You have nothing left to say to him, if he wants space, then you’ll give him space. This is just him setting his boundaries, right?

Right.

“Okay.” You don’t know how, but you manage to hold your head up and keep your tears at bay, along with your voice neutral. “If you really feel that way, then I’ll leave.”

There were many implications behind your words. You could mean the relationship or just the field where you stand in now. You honestly don’t know which one of them you meant. But you let your legs take you away from his one happy place.

He chose his career over you, and you’re fine with that. But you being fine with that doesn’t mean you will settle into this little routine.

You’ll dip your feet into the water, see how much of an impact his words leave in your relationship. If you don’t like the ripples in the water, then you’ll just leave.

He hears scoffs and snorts from his team as he snaps back to reality. “What the fuck dude? All they did was ask you a simple question.” Isagi chimes in. “Yeah man. You did not need to blow up that like.”

Otoya looks over at Isagi and nods his head, “I’m going with Isagi on this one.”

Karasu scoffs. “Shut it, fuckboy. You-” “Don’t tell me what to do moron. You made them fucking cry.”

He made you cry? You’ve never cried before, at least not in front of him. Was he so lost in thought that he didn’t even see your tears? Did his words hurt you that much?

“You gotta fix this before it’s too late~.” Bachira voiced Karasu's thoughts.

...

Your house seems bare and lonely without the smile on your face, or the warm touches from him. Your plants seem to reflect your emotions, droopy and sad.

You make your way to your bedroom, ready to sulk in bed for the rest of the day. Thanks to it being a weekend, you have the day off. Which means you could sulk for as long as you want.

You pull the weighted blanket onto your body and sigh contentedly at the comfort. This is the only comfort you need right now, a stupid rom-com, some junk food, and a good amount of weight.

Your phone goes off before you can delve into the movie too much. You sigh, already knowing who it’s from. You picked it up and just as you guessed, Karasu.

He had a written a whole paragraph about how sorry he is and that he would be glad to make it up to you. You opted to just text him back with:

It’s alright. I know you didn’t mean it haha, it’s late so I’ll talk in the morning. Goodnight!

You already know that he’s going to think something’s up. Let him, he deserves the cold shoulder, an insidious voice sang in the back of your mind. As much as you want to brush the voice away, you know that it’s true. He does deserve the cold shoulder. You’ve been nothing but good to him and he treats you like this?

You let your thoughts run wild and finally determine that you'll respect his words for a bit. If he wants you to leave him alone, you'll leave him alone. You won't go to his practices and games or make him his lunches anymore.

A few hours passed by as you dwelled in your bed. You should probably text some of your friends and ask for a night out. But honestly, you just wanted to stay in and eat all the junk you can.

You've watched at least three rom-com movies; some made you laugh and some made you cry. You want to say that you mainly cringed, but what you mainly did was wish Karasu could act like some of the male leads.

Yeah, he remembers your favorite food and gets you as many things as you want. But you wish he would put away his pride and apologize.

Before you knew it, your eyes drifted off while your mind rambled about Karasu.

...

The smell of pancakes and eggs woke you from your slumber. You yawned and stretched your muscles as you made your way out of bed. You weren't too shocked to see Karasu in your kitchen with the 'kiss the cook' apron you gifted him as a joke on his birthday.

When you two had an argument, he would always cook you food, buy you things, and spend the entire day with you. But those things are meaningless after the argument you had the other day.

But you still let him try.

He smiles when he sees your sleepy face. But his smile turned into a pout when he saw your runny mascara and puffy/red eyes. He did that. He made you cry. Karasu walks up to you and brings you into his arms.

"I'm sorry pretty baby," he kissed your forehead. "I don't deserve you."

You snort at that; there's something you both can agree on. He smiles when he hears your snort. Step one: make you laugh: check.

You both sit at the table and eat the delicious food he made. Contrary to popular opinion, Karasu is actually a good cook. The food was gone in minutes.

"I have a game tomorrow," he says as he chews the last bite on his plate. "I can reserve a front-row seat for you, like always."

You give him a kind smile; you want to say no but his puppy eyes are too tempting. "Okay." Your response was curt, you didn't mean anything by it. But Karasu took it as you giving the same attitude he gave you yesterday. He pouted and grabbed your hand, smoothing his thumb over your knuckles. "I wanna hear ya cheering f'me, okay?" You nodded your head and he smiled at that, bringing your hand up and kissing it. "That's my pretty baby."

You two spent the whole day talking and shopping. You got the things you needed and wanted, and even more things that Karasu thought would look good on you.

The gifts made you smile, but they held most of the weight behind your fake smile. You didn't want to speak out that you didn't need these meaningless things, you just wanted him to hug you and tell you that he loves you. You know that you just have to speak up about these things, but you don't want to start another argument.

Your tongue was bit through the entire day and night with him.

...

You woke up a bit later than intended, but the sleep was welcomed and needed. You felt like the pain and memories of the past few days have been erased.

You felt like you were forgetting something. You yawned and turned on your phone, then it hit you.

Karasu's soccer game. It's 1:30 in the afternoon, you're sure the game is already halfway through. And it's a thirty-minute drive to the stadium. Which means when you get there, it'll be almost over. So, there's no point in going. So you opted to just grab something to eat and turn on Netflix. Yeah, you feel bad, but honestly, Karasu deserves this. Maybe he'll remember not to catch an attitude with you for no reason.

Karasu on the other hand, is distraught. He doesn't remember how many times he's looked over at the stands.

He thought that you were over the other day. He apologized and made it up to you. He took you shopping and to your favorite restaurant.

His mind was elsewhere and he couldn't get into the flow of the game. His kicks weren't on point and his precision was flawed. The coach called him in and swapped for another player.

"Get your shit together or leave."

Karasu took the latter; he needs to see you.

The drive was long originally, but his thoughts made it longer. Every second he wasn't with you, he felt that it was another second you could up and leave his life.

He finally got there and quickly unlocked your door with the spare key. No boxes, nothing packed, nothing is gone. Air came back into his lungs, and he could finally breathe again.

He rushed to your room, his pout getting deeper as he saw you on your bed watching Netflix.

Your eyes widened as he rushed into your room. You swear this man will give you cardiac arrest one of these days. "What..What are you doing here?" Your eyes followed him as he stalked to your side of the bed where you were lying. "Your game, it hasn't even ended yet." He grabbed your hands before he answered, bringing them up to his cheeks.

"Baby, I'm sorry for being a dickhead, but doncha think it's rude to not come when I asked ya to?" He almost whined out. You pouted as you rubbed his cheeks with your thumbs, "I'm sorry," you cooed out. "My handsome boy, I didn't mean to."

He shook his head, "No, don't apologize baby. I shouldn't have yelled at ya. Forgive me, yeah? Just please, don't leave me." He pouted, "I don't think I can go any longer without yer kisses and hugs." He doesn't remember when he got so romantic and cheesy. He used to laugh at people who were obsessed with their s/o and used to call them mediocre. But now here he is, so fucking obsessed with you. He feels like he can't breathe when you don't give him your love. He lives off it.

"I love ya so much, my pretty baby." He brought one of your hands to his lips, peppering kisses all of it as he looked into your eyes. "Ya don't gotta say it back, jus want ya to know."

And you did know, especially through his actions. The way he kisses you, the way he dotes on you, and the way he went down on you for hours. No amount of whines and pleads for him to stop, no amount of " 's too much," were enough to stop him. His tongue and his groans against you made you feel both pain and pleasure. Karasu loves you so much and proved that while he fucked you all night.

a/n: His accent, his smile, him <3333 Karasu is just ahbsdjsdhsdje. I'm acting up for this man

[annabelle--cane]

it's entirely possible, I was already doubtful about it, but you get why my first thought was that it was you and why I might distrust you saying this, right? I know you're still watching my blog like a hawk because you've made posts about things that I've said less than an hour after I've posted them, and I told you very directly never to speak publicly about me again. I answered that dracula ask over two hours ago and asked if it was you then, you didn't respond, I answered a different ask saying that I was contemplating enforcing the explicit boundary I set with you six weeks ago that you had already broken, and you respond within about ten minutes. this is actually the first time you have ever directly responded to anything I've said to you, you've always just ignored it when I've tried to ask any clarifying questions about what specifically it is I've said or done that you don't agree with. because you don't like The Posts I Make On My Own Blog About How I Interpret The Themes Of A Fiction Podcast As They Relate To A Disorder That I Have, you've called me delusional, a bitch, a cunt, a pretentious fuckhead, told me I don't bring any value into the world except irritation and pity, and block evaded somewhere between 7-10 times to continue harassing me for eight months.

do you understand a) why that's bad and b) why that hurts your credibility here? I'm not asking if you feel bad about it, I couldn't care less about that, I want to know if you understand intellectually that you should not being doing what you're doing and why I am resorting to potentially removing your anonymity to get you to stop e-stalking me.

frankly, this is me already giving you a second chance, I could have posted your urls two weeks ago when you started vagueing me again and I realized you were still constantly monitoring me, but I wanted to be as generous as possible and figured that the part that really mattered was that you never made contact with me again. then, last night, you made a vague on your sideblog about two hours after I made a post about tma and addiction, and then about two hours after that I got another insulting anonymous message about a different interest we share that, if I may be blunt, fit your MO of attacking me based loosely on the subject of what I said while specifically going after something derogatory that the asker fully imagined I was implying. hell, this very anon came in significantly faster than that, meaning you are definitely still watching me.

I don't fuck around with privacy, I really seriously do not want to share your urls, but you have not ever given me a single reason to trust the integrity of your word. unless you can give me some kind of direct assurance that you will stop fucking watching and posting about me then I genuinely do not know what else I can do. I have been extremely clear that I want you to leave me alone, but repeatedly blocking you has not worked, reporting you to staff has not worked because I tried before I even figured out who you were and received no response, and dming your main blog to explicitly tell you to stop has not worked. even if I did turn off anons, you'd still block evade to post about me, and from the multiple screenshots you've posted of my blog it looks like you prefer to read the in-dashboard version so turning off my custom desktop theme also wouldn't work to cut you off. like, I'm kind of out of options here. I don't care what you have to do, block all variations of the urls you use to watch me from all of your browsers, take a full break from all social media for a month, print out all my selfies and burn them in effigy to get it out of your system, whatever, just tell me you'll never do any of this again and then actually never do any of this again, I do not know what else I can possibly do at this point.

[storm-angel989]

Hi,

I know you’ve been writing these themes a lot so if you are feeling sick of them or burnout feel free to just ignore this :) But if your interested I’d love a Velvette x Reader (platonic or romantic, whatever you’re feeling) where the reader was a model when they were alive and struggled with disordered eating because of the harsh industry standards. Now in hell they feel like they are better but after awhile of working with Vel it starts to come back. Thank you :)

P.s. I absolute adore your writing. I love your characterization of the Vees.

Hi Friend,

This is a pretty intense topic and mixing models with ED's makes sense. I'm not burnt out- not yet at least!

<3 Mandy

The clause itself was considered standard procedure, a non negotiable part of the contract Velvette offered. The requirement of full disclosure of any and all mental health issues her models faced before coming to her. Some might argue that requirement invaded privacy. Personal disclosure that had nothing to do with the job at hand. A stance Velvette both vehemently disagreed with and couldn’t give less of a fuck about. Sign the contract or don’t, she didn’t care either way. She had been in the industry long enough to know that the job requirements could send a being spiraling if they didn’t have someone keeping a careful eye on them. 

And truly, that was what Velvette cared about. Model’s passing out, a shirt slipping and revealing fresh cuts, constant shivering- none of it was a good look for the company, or her image. And so she kept careful note and watched constantly for signs that their work was taking a toll on them. Bi-monthy runway walks, clouted as extra practice for each model, put in place to keep their skills sharp, served a dual purpose. File in hand, she could observe and study the particulars of each girl. 

Velvette louged in her directors chair, leafing through her binder with each passing demon. Some pages boosted her handwritten scrawls, notes and dates of concerning, specific observations. As she sat watching as her models walked down the runway, her eyes narrowed as they fell to Reader. 

Reader. Her file boasted two notes. One from her arrival in hell. Another from the last modeling session. As her eyes studied readers appearance, she observed what most would overlook. Slight changes in her bodies proportions that indicated something wasn’t quite right. Quietly, she flagged the page. 

In her office later that night, she dialed Valentino’s number. In her vast experience, it took two to convince a demon they needed help. And as always, it helped that Valentino brought with him his own set of expertise- eyes that could and would pick a body apart if warranted. More importantly, he stood as her friend. Someone who understood the difficulties of this career, who was one of the two who stood by her side when she herself struggled. To her relief, he came within minutes and took his place behind her. Wordlessly, she handed him the file. 

“Call her in,” he said after a moment. “I’ll set up the scale.” 

The press of a buzzer. A call for her to Velvette’s office. A quiet escort in. Velvette looked at the terrified girl and softened her expression the best she could. 

“Reader. Let me be clear, you’re not in trouble,” she began as gently as we could. “But we have noticed something slightly concerning, and we need to get a weight on you. Undress and step on the scale for us.” 

It wasn’t a request. Velvette knew that, and she knew Reader did too. She watched as Reader took off her jeans and sweatshirt. Velvette did her best to hide the sense of relief that washed over her- she wasn’t layering yet. Obediently, Reader stepped on. Another good sign. She wasn’t defensive, she wasn’t fighting. Not yet, at least. Hope fluttered in Velvette’s chest. Maybe she had caught this one early enough. 

“What is my weight?” Reader asked in confusion as she stared down at the blank scale. 

“We have that information, bebita. Not something you need to concern yourself with,” Valentino replied as he showed Velvette the number on the scale, sent directly to his phone. 

Velvette’s heart sank. Ten pounds under hiring. And reader was already thin to begin with. She looked at Valentino and he shook his head. A silent understanding between the two. 

“You can step off,” Velvette told her. “We have the information we need.”

A look of dismay crossed Reader’s face. “Am I in trouble?”

“Trouble? No. But we are noticing a concerning trend with your weight. So we’re going to put you on a plan,” Velvette replied as gently as she could. “Twice a week you’re going to meet with a therapist. She’s going to go over a meal plan with you. What you say to her in these sessions will stay private, but we’ll reassess in two weeks. If your weight continues to drop, we’ll…” Velvette’s voice caught in her throat. 

Valentino put his hand on her shoulder. “We’ll cross that bridge if it comes to it. For now, you’ll be taken down the hall to meet your therapist and be given a through physical.” 

“I’m sorry,” Reader began.

“There is no reason to be sorry. This is a hard industry, we simply want you healthy,” Velvette replied instantly. 

As Velvette watched her be escorted out the door, a sense of relief washed over her. There was no protest, no fights. A simple acceptance of fact. Another good sign. Velvette laid her arms on her desk and put her head down. 

“Amicito, are you alright?” Valentino asked in a voice reserved only for those he loved. “I know this is difficult, but you did the right thing.”

“I hate this, Val,” she replied in a muffled tone. “I hate what we do to these demons. I hate that perfection is an unachievable standard and I hate…I hate seeing them fall, again and again, to a demon far more powerful than me.”

“But the standards we devised help stop them from falling. They keep both our workers safe and our company in good standing,” Valentino replied gently. “Come on Vel, let’s get out of here. You need a break, muñeca. Let’s call Vox and…”

“And have a night in,” she interrupted as she lifted her head. Slowly, she stood up. “I’m not in the mood to deal with people.” 

“Then you won’t,” Valentino replied as he slid his arm around her. 

Just before she went to open the door, Velvette paused. She looked at Valentino and he watched as the harsh mask she wore on the daily melted away. 

“Val? Thanks for not…for not letting me slide into the arms of my own demon,” she said softly. “I couldn’t, if I didn’t have you and Vox I’d…”

Valentino didn’t let her finish. Instead, her wrapped his arms around her and gave her a tight hug before releasing her.“Amicito, that’s what friends are for.”

[sea-adhesiveness537]

CAN YOU TELL ME ALL OF THE JELLYFISH DUO LORE?? cuz i think im beginning to hyperfixate on them

also SUPRISE FANART DOODLE JUMPSCARE!! LISTEN UP LUSAMINE GOT SUM TO SAY‼️ (btw sorry if i got anything wrong or missed any details)

Oh shit! Screen Universe doodle fan art REAL!! Idk if you're a daydreamer or not, but if not, the fact that I managed to get a not immersive daydreamer hyperfixate and be obsessed with them is very impressive!!

Ok, they have a whole ass lore doc in the works that was essentially pretty close to having its early release version done that I somehow didn't finish because I have other stuff in my plate. They go very far back! Back before Screen Universe was a thing in my head!

But I will give you the basic gist and summary of it because holy fucking shit, I'm honestly, genuinely very flattered that you like them as a pair! Or even notice that I pair them so much.

Ok, so! On the meta timeline, back before Screen Universe was a thing in my head, they were enemies in the previously active daydream world because I genuinely hated Lusamine at first because of what she did in her video game (very bad things, she's a Pokémon villain). Then one day, on 2017, on the night of the second to the last day of examination week on grade 6, I read a meme comic of Lusamine recreating a scene of the SpongeBob episode, Nature Pants, and it went into chaos from there. They've been paired more ever since then. The more SpongeBob memes I found of Lusamine being portrayed as SpongeBob himself on the internet, the closer they got in the daydreams 😭😔. Eventually, the previously active daydream world's main story came to an end and into its extra content stage, and getting stuff that's even unrelated to it. At this point, both of these Jellyfish obsessed fucks took over as the centering piece from there.

Eventually, Screen Universe was made in my head for them to fuck around in. At first, it was a "dlc" or extra content connected to the previous world, but it split itself from said world and became its own thing or identity in 2019. Screen Universe then kept growing, changing, and developing from there.

Now, on to the in-lore or in-story shit of Screen Universe.

Just a head's up, Lusamine in her original canon isn't... A good person. This would be definitely important to the whole Screen Universe lore bit since there is something in her Screen Universe lore that's tied to her canon lore because of how it affected said lore and her life in Screen Universe's story. Long story short: it was BAD. It complicated her life outside of acting out the canon storyline really quick.

At this point, both of them grew out of their characters and diverge too far or pretty far from it mentally or internally speaking. So don't expect both of them to be similar to their canon selves. This bit is especially important to their lores and themes of Screen Universe, so keep this in mind. I mean, there are characters in Screen Universe who are pretty similar to their canon selves, but not all of them. SpongeBob and Lusamine are two of the people who aren't like their canon selves.

For starters, they're this species called Fictionals. They're made for the entertainment of us audiences, specifically to play roles of the characters and act out their stories. They have this true form underneath their skin, and said skin is just a meat suit resembling a character used to portray said character. Yes, they're actors. Fake versions or imitations of the characters if you will. So you might see them or the other characters mention some meta shit their characters would otherwise not know, and some form of audience even they, the actors themselves, aren't certainly sure if they actually exist or not.

In lore or in the story, this all started when SpongeBob visited the Nintendo Empire (yes, there are big pots of lands based on the big video game and animation companies, they're called territories, and yes, video game and animated characters can co-exist together in the hub world called the Fictional Realm where they take a break from acting out their canons and do their own business there) and encountered Lusamine in a dark alleyway. Idk why, but in all versions of Screen Universe, they'd always meet up either within a dark alleyway or at the edge of a dark alleyway by the sidewalk. It's only the context that's been changed or developed over time. In the current context, SpongeBob made an excuse of just strolling around the Nintendo Empire one more time before going back to his homeland, the Nick Nation. But in reality, he's actually looking for Squidward and scanning the Empire for his whereabouts because of what happened to him in the events prior to this plot point. Then he encounters Lusamine at the edge of the dark alleyway, who was a newly made Fictional who fell from the sky (yyeeeeaaaahhh, they have an interesting way of being born, but basically no one has reproductive organs and their creators are the ones doing the work creating them before dropping them into their realm for safe keeping. But the Fictionals can live for a pretty long time as long as there's projects and acting work to do, so it works out).

Oh yeah, at some point during all that, there are other creatures foreign to them that tried to take Lus to their Realm because they... Like her too much. They're called Weblings and they're from another Realm called the Internet Realm. They're the embodiment of people's accounts on the internet, the most common one being the social media kind. SpongeBob saves Lus from being snatched in time and they both try to get away from the Weblings. They both go somewhere to eat, and Sponge tries to drop Lusa off in a place for her to wait for her senior co-stars from her series (in this case, Pokémon) to pick her up. However, she kept following him until it got to the point of stalking him home and hoping on the ride SpongeBob took to get to the Nintendo Empire in the first place. Just so you know, Nintendo Empire is rather far from the Nick Nation, so it'd take a while to make a back and forth trip between places. So when it was found out that his, eeerrrrr, new friend got in the blimp ship, he had no choice but to just go all the way back to the Nick Nation because they didn't expect that to happen or have enough resources to make an extra trip just to return some rookie game Fictional to her supposed homeland. He'd have to think about what to do with her after that.

When they got back to the Nick Nation, Sponge took care of Lus and nurse her back to a proper condition because when she fell from the skies before being found by him, she wasn't doing so hot and was struggling like a stray cat or a street creature back in the dark alleyway.

Then they spent more time together, bonding, Sponge guiding Lus about this new world around her and stuff. At one point, Sponge taught her a bit about morals like what's right and wrong... A bit too early for someone like her. This is especially important to the whole, "Lusamine was so fucked up in the True canon that it fucked up the Screen Universe counterpart's life" thing going on. Basically, that whole morality thing was either fuel or the start of her existential crisis because she later found out she was created specifically to portray a bad person doing bad things.

A month or so passed and the senior co-stars from the Pokémon series called up SpongeBob for them to pick up Lusamine from his place. At this point, they've grown somewhat attached to each other, and Lus didn't want to be separated from Sponge just yet. Luckily, the older human Pokémon actors agreed to let Sponge tag along since he's the closest to Lus and he's the only that helped her grow comfortable and adapt to the environment. They both went back to the Nintendo Empire, and then the first split in the story occurs. They part ways for now and they start doing their own things and go through their own arcs. But they meet up and visit each other every now and then throughout the story. It's mostly Lus doing the visiting since Sponge seems like a pretty busy person to leave his homeland often. He's the literal leader of the place, what more can he do when there's a lot of shit for him to worry about due to the events of the storyline prior to the "introduction to video game people" season/book/part. Then again, he was doing something else aside from that due to something else happening in his side of the story.

Anyways, Lus mostly visits Sponge ever so often during her break times or while she's sneaking off from acting work. She honestly wants to tell him about her new job as an actor and her smaller grievances in said job without spoiling her game's story. She also invited him to check out the live performance of her debut game before knowing her character's true canon nature. She later wants to take that back after knowing what her character is truly like out of fear over Sponge possibly hating her for playing as such a person, but at that point, Sponge already wants to check it out anyway. Dw, he doesn't care or mind about what she plays as as long as the actress herself is not too bad of a person. He's one of few known people who's chill around villain actors, both in the public eye and just in general.

When their respective arcs and sides of the story reach its climax or peak, Lusamine's side of the story interrupted SpongeBob's side because a co-star of hers from a different Pokémon game who plays a pretty similar role as her accused SpongeBob of leaking some major canon story bits from Lusamine's game because during her side of the story and her own arc, her off camera life grew miserable because a lot of people in her homeland mysteriously knew about what her character did in the true canon story and start attacking her over it. SpongeBob told the accuser that Lus didn't tell him ANYTHING about what happened in her canon story, just the behind the scenes stuff and what she and her co-stars are up to adjacent to it or outside of it.

Yes, the (replacement. Very long story) Ghetsis Fictional accused the SpongeBob Fictional of leaking Pokémon Sun and Moon's plot because the Lusamine Fictional got hate crimes for her character's actions way earlier than it should've happened (during production instead of after its release).

SpongeBob let the accuser and two other Pokémon co-stars (Cynthia and Lysandre) stay over a little longer and get to know them a bit better. I mean, he has heard of them and knew them at some point, but they're from mentions, the news, and other sorts of second or third degree information, never directly interacting with them outside of the time when they had to pick Lus up for her actor job at an earlier point of the story

At this point, it's SpongeBob who's now doing the visiting because of the news and the accusation. To the point where he even stays in the Nintendo Empire for a little longer in one of his visits that's closer to the game's release date (some time in September, mid or late October, or early November, I didn't decide when did he do that visit, but it should be one of those).

There's a story point where Lus ripped her skin off out of distress, fear, anxiety, and guilt from playing the character, the grave implications that imprinted on her, and her society conditioning her to feel those things because they hold their highest regard over what character and role someone plays as. And if anyone plays the villain of their canon story, they strip the actor's rights and normalcy, and sometimes even their life if it especially goes REALLY bad. It gets worse for the actor the more psychotic/fucked up the original villain character is.

And that's why and how Actress Lusamine despises her character so much (and to some extent, her creators for making the character that way and forcing her to not only play said character, but bear or keep the character's name and body too). She thinks it's the character's fault that she got into this sort of situation this early into her life. But at the same time, a part of her hated herself and felt guilty for acting out those scenes. As if, in some cruel cosmic sense, it's her fault for having such a role in the first place even though it was out her control.

Luckily and conveniently, SpongeBob was in the Nintendo Empire when Lusamine did the whole Peel Her Skin Off thing and found her in the same area where he first met and saved her. During all this, her other few major co-workers, both from her own Pokémon game and from other Pokémon games, went after her and looked for her together with SpongeBob. SpongeBob then tries to persuade and convince her to go back in the suit or else she might cave in to the intense and horrible pain she put herself into from being outside the character meat suit and die permanently (yeah, there are two kinds of deaths, permanent and temporary death. Temporar is more like fainting after going down to zero hp and being very exhausted. Permanent is a true death where they'll never wake up again). It took awhile, but eventually after reassuring that Sponge wouldn't hate or attack her for whatever might happen in her true canon, and that she can be whoever she wants to be despite being stuck to the body and name of a character, she goes back to the skin suit.

Then release of the game rolls around... And then the main antagonist of the story approaches. It's Mickey... Mickey Mouse. Throughout the video game characters' intro season/book/part/whatever segment of the story, he's shown to be harassing past actors in the flashback sequences and arcs, which includes the older Pokémon actors. That's why Cynthia, a character who's otherwise not a bad guy in canon, gets involved or intertwined with the villain actors' shenanigans and the Ghetsis actor had to be replaced with another Fictional to carry that role. Mickey did something to them that caused them to be in the situations they are now in during the present day. Mickey, along side with his group or organization, is also tied to SpongeBob's side of the plot and the acceleration of SpongeBob's issues and angst.

I feel like there's more to explain about... All of this, but we'll get to that some other time or post since this is supposed to be a Jellyfish Duo centric post.

Before going into the next section, I want to talk about Live Performances and how they work. A Live Performance is basically the actors reenacting the events of their source materials in their little workplace where they usually do recordings of their work. It's like their way of showing other actors what they do and can do, impress other actors, and often times, a tradition or a rite of passage for the newbies to exhibit what they learned and done during their production/development stage of their debut project to the older ones. Their workplace is a pocket dimension studio world thingy that has everything an actor needs for their work.

Anyways, now in the present events, instead of SpongeBob going first to try the Live Performance of Pokémon Sun and Moon the game, it was Mickey because, would you look at that, the game released on the same day as when Mickey as a character was born and debuted as a concept of a cartoon character, November 18. And as expected, the Pokémon LARP session went BAD! Lusamine almost died to the mouse she's trying to entertain multiple times because, "character=bad, therefore character's actor=also bad" bullshit and Mickey would always coincidentally get into a psychosis/delusional episode at the peak of a live game's story, which explains the suffering and bullshit the other actors had to go through to not be murdered by the mouse. Some even suspected that Mickey's bullshitting just to have an excuse to get off to his sick kicks, but they're not so sure about that. People tried to ban him from their own Live Performances in the past, their government was like, "money :)" and, "he besties with emperor Mario, so Mickey good :)" (ok, the latter statement was just an exaggeration, but you get the gist of it). So they just didn't get rid of him.

During most of the murder attempts during the Live Performances, Lusamine hit Mickey, both in normal form and in her big boss form, and just ram all she got into him like his face. Both out of impulse, and because she snapped after being attacked for her character's canon crimes for so long. This WILL be important for later :}.

After the whole Mouse x Pokémon gen 7 rampage went down, it was SpongeBob's turn on the Live Performance or Pokémon LARP sesh. It went smoothly and normal. Just kinda rocky here and there because he'd try to derail the story sometimes either for the fun of it or out of boredom, and the actress who's originally the main character in the canon Pokémon SuMo story was not having any of it and tries to rope things back to how the original plot line should go. There'd be times when SpongeBob and Lusamine would have secret and illegal meta gaming talks over the phone throughout the course of the live game because the latter who was waiting for her cue to show up got bored and wanted to talk to him and give her company. I mean, there are other co-workers around, but they're too busy doing their own thing, keeping the act running, reviewing their script, and all. So they talked whenever Sponge is not preoccupied with a scene. There's this one point where SpongeBob accidentally steps out of the overworld and into this void place full of code. It's like a skeleton of the world if you will. Lusamine had to guide him out of there without being suspicious of an important figure being in danger in her own workplace. Don't worry, he got out.

When the story got closer to Lusa's big reveal of her canon nature, her actress kinda freaked out and gave Sponge a heads up on what it "might" go down. Like, a warning, and the option of turning back, since she's worried that what Sponge reassured her was not fully true or that she's still unsure about SpongeBob's reaction ever since the whole Mouse crime attempt went down. SpongeBob still pushed through and progressed the story, leading him to That Plot Point of the story. They still talk about what was happening during that part of the story meta speaking in a form of morse codes without ruining or interrupting the original scene. While SpongeBob was surprised from the emotional whiplash of what canon Lusamine was like, Actress Lus was relieved that SpongeBob doesn't hate her or look her down as a person for carrying an emotionally heavy role as a reason of existing. He just felt bad for her and wished he didn't denied it out of grief, wished he had done something better than denying (yeeeeaaahh, he seen all the signs that point to Actress Lusamine playing the villain at work, but ignored them because he hated the thought of losing a newly made friend to a part of society and something that's out of his control due to past traumas related to losing friends).

They have more meta calls after that, but it's not as often as before because of how heavy the situation felt even if it's just an act. Then again, there are also other factors behind it, so there's that.

At the climax of the reenactment, they have a play fight that's more friendly than whatever Mickey has going on with the other actors. Anyways, that's how SpongeBob seen Lusamine's boss form. Oh, and there were multiple mistakes during that point of the reenactment because it's triggering Lusa's trauma of Mickey trying to kill her permanently. So they had to do over again and again until they got it right.

After all that, they finally cooled down, and went back to meta talking again. When the post game reenactment stuff came around, SpongeBob poke around and find out about what other stuff the game has in store before wrapping up the LARP sesh.

At one point, there was a post game bit that made him reflect on his actions back in his side of the plot and his character arc because he was becoming an asshole to a pair of characters while the whole disaster/existential angst inducing production of Pokémon SuMo arc thingy went down. He later thanks Lus for the Live Performance, not just for the general entertainment, but also for showing him see what he did wrong. Lus was oblivious to the whole thing and didn't know what he exactly meant, so she assumed that she just gave him some good entertainment with her performance. Recently, I thought of a scenario where Lus wants to have a Pokémon battle with SpongeBob not as her character, but as herself or actor self, so I thought of adding that in for the post game reenactment section.

Once the Pokémon LARP sesh wrapped up and stuff, the actors did their cool down and change out of their acting gear while Sponge does his own thing rating everything like the actors and their characters. The main priority of the rating are the actors, the rest are optional and not important.

Remember the rat? Well, he'll appear now.

So the rat bastard shows the fuck up again, and sues Lusamine because she punched and hit him back in his own Live Performance sesh (even if it's out of self defense). And then the whole trial arc ensued. It ended in disaster and a planned execution because Lus hit Mickey with her boss form, and her villain role puts her in a position that's less ideal than her opponent. So she's very much doomed from the get go.

Luckily, SpongeBob helped Lus escape prison and her perma death sentence along side with her co-workers and some of SpongeBob's co-workers and allies from his homeland. But now SpongeBob has to confront Mario and the legal side of the Nintendo Empire—

(Screen Universe part two is fucking nuts, I tell you 💀. It goes bananas towards the middle and the end. And this is just the Jellyfish Duo sections of the plot!)

(cont.) after taking Lusamine out of prison and not in a bailing way. SpongeBob negotiated with Mario about the terms and conditions of Lusamine's fate to ensure that she can still live without dying to legal consequences. Later, they agreed that she can stay with Sponge and in his Territory as long as she doesn't set foot upon the lands of the Empire's surface unless with the intent of going to actor work or under supervision. Basically, she got banished from the Nintendo Empire after all that happened.

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

ICYMI: There are so many Japanese qls airing weekly, so I’m going to start posting this little round up at the end of each week. All but one of these are on Gaga and I highly recommend watching! Yes, even the ones I'm not loving! We need to encourage these Japanese studios to keep giving us access to their content. Changing up the order this week so as not to lead on a bum note (we can end on one, instead:)).

Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yara ka

When we left off with Kazuyo’s confession last week, I said this: “Kazuyo is such a sweetheart that I really hope she'll stick around rooting for this pair once she inevitably gets let down gently.” And we got all that and more this week, because this show is my perfect angel that has never done anything wrong in its life. I love that Kazuyo is not only at peace with Sakae’s feelings for Soga, but very enthusiastically supportive of his pursuit. I love this friendship, and I love that we’re spending real time on Kazuyo’s feelings in the aftermath of this rejection. And we continue to see bits of the past relationships that have been weighing on Sakae and Soga. This show really cares about its characters and it shows. Sakae’s confession at the end of this episode was another great moment of grace and kindness and I’m looking forward to Soga’s response once he has a chance to process alongside some healthy jealousy as Sakae’s ex returns.

Perfect Propose

The first two episodes of this new jbl dropped today, and I loved it. Overworked young salaryman, Hiro, is falling apart. His childhood friend, Kai, finds him lying exhausted on the street and invites himself to move in to take care of him. Kai explicitly declared 1) that he is gay and 2) that he considers himself Hiro’s fiancé within the first five minutes, and helped Hiro get off so he could sleep properly in the first episode. This drama really said eat real food, have a nice orgasm, and get a good night’s sleep and you will be happy, and it seems to be building to some themes about the harm caused by the culture of overworking. I support this message!

Ossan's Love Returns

...where to even begin. This "honeymoon" episode was bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I went from crying to laughing hysterically to gasping to staring in mute horror at my screen to laughing to crying again. This show is so good at keeping these characters grounded in authentic emotion even as their behavior spins far out of the realm of how real people behave. It's a minor miracle that I can be gaping at Maki in disbelief and then bursting into tears two seconds later because of one perfectly executed line. I don't even want to talk about what specifically happened in this episode, I just want you to go watch it.

Tsukuritai Onna to Tabetai Onna 2

WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK, BABY!!! I got my hot little hands on the first four episodes of this excellent second season and let me tell you, the joy I felt to see Yuki and Kasuga again! I love that we came back to find out the gals have been eating like queens and blowing the budget. Plus, there's a new baby lesbian in the building! This season is really delving into Yuki's exploration of her sexuality, and the show is handling it with the expected gentle grace. I am enjoying the journey and putting on my patient pants to settle in for a long wait before these two actually officially get together.

Chaser Game W

This was a rougher week for this show, in that the pacing felt very jerky as the story suddenly executed a rapid turn in the romance that did not really work. The backstory reveal was weak (very poorly motivated noble idiocy), Itsuki's casual decision to start caring for Fuyu's child at the expense of her own life and Fuyu's decision to let her was under-explored, the messages about the importance of these women's work was decidedly mixed, and the sudden love confessions straight to sex didn't get proper build up. Add Fuyu continuing to be a violent drunk who treats Itsuki like shit, and it's hard to root for this pair--I am not really invested in the romance. This show is clearly going somewhere with its commentary on gender roles as it relates to Fuyu's behavior, and I hope wherever it is will feel worth it.

Sahara Sensei to Toki-kun

This show ended this week, and I pretty much hated it, but I will always love Toki despite the mess this show made of his story. We have one more show coming from Drama Shower for the season, and I sincerely hope we can end on a good note with this project.

[butchhamlet]

are there any shakespeare retellings you recommend? i really enjoy retellings but it's also difficult to find ones that like. actually understand the source material... i've read your novella duodecimal and really liked it btw! excellent take on twelfth night :-)

THANK YOU SO MUCH WAH... yes, i can recommend some retellings! i keep intending to make a big post with my recs, actually, but there are so many out there that i haven't read yet... so for now here's an incomplete list:

a thousand acres by jane smiley: the first one that came to my mind seeing this ask. it's a retelling of lear set on an american farmstead, and the adaptation is done beautifully and smoothly--it's just distinct enough from OG Lear that you can judge it as a book on its own but also as a lear retelling. and it's sooooo good. it starts a little slow, but the character work is so excellent and it almost made me cry (i will note that there's a pretty hefty cw on this one but... saying what it is is technically spoilers? but feel free to send another ask or message if you want to know up-front)

the last true poets of the sea by julia drake: books that made me have to turn my camera off in zoom class so i could bawl properly. books written for me specifically. this is a loose YA retelling of twelfth night (looser than some of the other retellings on this list) and it's like. perfect. the teenage dialogue actually sounds like teenagers. every emotional beat clubbed me over the head. the love triangle is present--and done really well; it's not present for drama but because sometimes being a teenager is confusing--but more than that this is a book about the relationship between violet and her sibling, and about mental health, and god it makes me CRAZY. also girls kiss in this one

rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead by tom stoppard: i mean. i think most people into shakespeare know r&gad. but in case you haven't read it yet, it's an absurdist play from the point of view of rosencrantz and guildenstern and it's absolutely fucking brilliant. not sure what else to say about this; you've really just gotta read it

teenage dick by mike lew: another play, this one on the modern side--a retelling of richard iii set in a high school, focusing explicitly on disability issues. kind of more a reimagining than a retelling, honestly, but i really like the exploration of r3's themes and also it's fucking hysterical. although i will say there's a kind of jarring tonal shift in this one near the end, so don't go to it for something 100% comedic

american moor by keith hamilton cobb: okay this isn't exactly a retelling but if you've ever read othello you have to read it. you just have to. please god if you've ever read a shakespeare PLEASE. it's a monologue from the perspective of a black man trying out for the role of othello, half-resigned to being pigeonholed into playing that specific role in a very specific way as directed by a white director, but also half-chafing against that resignation, and also exploring the complexities of loving shakespeare as a black man, and it's soooooo so good

exit, pursued by a bear by e.k. johnston: this one is kind of cheating because it's not really a retelling, in that it has next to nothing to do with the winter's tale except that there is a hermione character and a leontes character and a paulina character. i still think it's a very very well-done YA book, though, and one of the only ones i've read that deals head-on with abortion

foul is fair by hannah capin: okay, i will admit i read this one some years ago when i was more into YA, so i'm not sure i would still go crazy over it now, but the plot of this book is that the modern lady macbeth character gets assaulted by a guy at a party and decides to kill everyone who let that happen. and then she does. and idk i read it in two days it felt like being on crack

the wednesday wars by gary schmidt: this one is DEFINITELY cheating, because this isn't a retelling of anything. but if you like shakespeare and you're open to reading historical fiction about a kid in the 60s using shakespeare as a lens through which to understand the chaos of his life (from the vietnam war to his school crush)... it's so good. it made me nearly sob. beautiful book

i'm also a fan of ryan north's shakespeare choose-your-own-adventure books, but those aren't exactly retellings and also the humor will probably not work for everyone. but i like em <3

and finally, i would be remiss not to shout out the fact that @suits-of-woe wrote an INCREDIBLE retelling of the two gentlemen of verona that, like, redeemed the fact that that play exists. if you've read that play and you thought, "wow, i wish this were explicitly homoerotic, or not a rape apologia, or good in any way," you will LOVE macy's book. unfortunately it isn't fucking published yet but WITH YOUR HELP--

[goldenflowers]

HELLOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! its idiavil anon again i m just. gonna yap abt idiavil if u dont mind. my current ideas for different idiavil fics is up to 32 and i have 10 idiavil playlists on spotify as of right now. i shocked my twst friend w that last fact. I HAVE TWO SETS OF IDIAVIL KEYCHAINS I GOT OFF OF ETSY ASW i love them os much . my friend has been working on idiavil art 4 my birthday and im super excited.... ive actuallybeen able to focus on writing recently SO I HAVE SOME DRAFTS IN FHE WORKS!!!!!!, the brainrot only grows with each passing day. i have moss in my brain. like a chia pet. ALSOO THE TWISTED TSUMDERLAND EVENT LITERALLY HAD ME IN AGONY ROLLING AROUND AND SCREAMING IM NOT EXAGGERATING. LIKE HELLO GUYS WAKE UP NEW IDIAVIL CANON INTERACTIOSN JUST DROPPED. MY FRIEND LET ME INFODUMP TO HER SOMEXLAST NIGHT AND EVERY TIME I MENTIONED THEM I WOULD START TEARING UP 😭😭 also also ive been getting back into drawing and i have idia and idiavil doodles literally everywhere. the grind DOES NOT STOP. ok thats it ive just been in agony since my creativity stats are like maxxed tf out rn.......... AS ALWAYS I LOVE UR BLOG AND MERRY EARLY CHRISTMAS ASW!!!!!!

ANON IT IS ALWAYS OKAY TO YAP ABOUT IDIAVIL TO ME!! i still don't post about them enough but trust me i think about them a lot... i wish i had the creativity and drive to write fics haha, i've had ideas about all my favorite twst ships bouncing around in my brain for a long time but i'm not good at putting things into words and i'm always working on other projects! i don't know if wicked is something you're familiar with or interested in but i saw the stage musical live back in april (for the first time ever lol!! i've had an over a decade-long obsession fueled only by collecting bootleg recordings of it until this year!), and then just saw the movie earlier, and lately every time i think about wicked i think about vil and idia. if i could, i would love to write a wicked AU for them that follows the general plot/themes of the musical but ultimately still gives them a happy ending and i'm constantly torn between two different ideas for who to cast as fiyero and how exactly to do it since i'd be casting vil as glinda and idia as elphaba and making them end up together in my AU. i could go on about it BUT since you literally did not ask, i won't!! i would also just love to put them in a hercules AU if that hasn't already been done because i need people to understand my vision here. like they literally canonically recreated the scene where hercules saved meg from the underworld in the movie. genuinely how many other twst ships have something like that?? vil RISKED HIS LIFE and GAVE UP HIS YOUTH so that he could JUMP INTO THE FUCKING UNDERWORLD and BRING IDIA BACK. LISTEN--

OKAY ANYWAY! i did take a look at the fic ideas you shared when you came off anon before, i don't know if you saw the silly rambling tags i left on your post but i loved all of your ideas and omg i love that you have 10 playlists for them?! i won't ask you to share the playlists but i think it's so cool that you've put that many together and i'm curious about what kinds of songs you think fit them best! i'd also love to see the keychains but i don't think tumblr lets you send images on anon so you don't have to haha! i have these enamel pins of the dorm leaders (all except leona and malleus, but i might get those two someday as well) and i specifically keep vil and idia next to each other on my corkboard, like this:

(those are almost all pins of different JRPGs above them. idia would love my pin/keychain/button corkboard ASKJGHDF)

ALSO YESSSS I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE IDIA AND VIL INTERACTING AGAIN IN THE TSUM EVENT. THEIR BANTER IS SO FUNNY EVERY TIME. and omg is your birthday coming up?! if so then happy early birthday, and merry early christmas to you too!! 💖

[sure-i-exist]

OK SO (here is your warning. this is gonna be so long)

It started cause we were just talking and being like “damn I wish marcassin and swaine had a conversation” which turned into other things we wish could’ve happened but mostly which just don’t work with the fact that it’s a game and we follow Oliver’s POV, and then we realised after an hour or two of talking that we could just go for it and actually write down these ideas. So we spent over 12 hours in 2 days just working on it, writing up a timeline and splitting it into seasons and character arcs. That was last year, in January.

Since then, we’ve kept working on it and talking about it like a couple times a month. We’ve moved our notes online, made character bios with biographical data (age, name, etc.) and key notes, we remade the map and changed some stuff around, added some major rivers, we’ve broken down the timeline into precise series breakdowns then specific episodes and we’re later(/possibly soon?) gonna break the episodes into scenes.

We’ve also thought through some worldbuilding (like real-world inspirations for various places, the main industries of each kingdom, what kinda farmland they have and staple crops, etc.). We’ve done some work on character redesigns (mostly Esther and Lowlah were the ones we really wanted to change, though my sister is also really happy with her Khulan design and we've got notes for the White Witch too).

We’ve still got even more to do like my sister’s gonna make some music for it, making leitmotifs for certain characters/places/themes. And we've still got more to do figuring out certain concepts and then actually writing it and and. Yeah there's a lot to do and it's great.

In terms of what we have done, there’s several really cool things I wanna point out, both silly and serious, for example:

We decided what characters would wanna do post-show and came up with Esther forming a band, Drippy getting himself a business card calling himself an ambassador between fairies and humans (nothing else changes he just gets the card and people take his word for it), and Khulan and Cassiopeia work together to improve the world and they transform the Miasma Marshes into rice fields - they invented rice to make up for what they did, and I think that's so silly and awesome.

We've made Ally and Leila married and in love. Or, more accurately: Leila is now mourning her dead wife. Very sad for her but delightful to think about for me.

We have a makeover episode in Hamelin ("Ollie's worn the same clothes for weeks, Esther's way too cold in this weather, and Swaine's ugly.")

Getting the 3 stones for Mornstar mirrors the Temple of Trials!

Pea now appears in Oliver's dreams, she exists as a literal magical cry for help from Cassiopeia (there's a whole thing with her telling Oliver he needs to "save her" and he thinks she's talking about Alicia or his mum but she's not and it makes those conversations really sad if you were to rewatch them). Pea comes into the physical world only at the end of season 4, as that is when the White Witch comes into physical being to cast Manna.

Oliver gets a Nightmare after the Alicia/Ally reveal.

Instead of Oliver just getting the Alicia/Ally reveal in Nevermore we've now made it so everyone gets separated and faces different upsetting memories. Oliver sees the night his mum died but it's now from her perspective, and Shadar recognises her so shows him the Alicia/Ally moment as well. Swaine sees his first arrest (which is a thing we make brief lighthearted jokes about him being a criminal until we fucking get you with being like 'no that was actually a genuinely traumatic experience. and you've been laughing about it until now'. Esther sees herself lying in bed awake, not moving, not saying anything, just staring at the wall, as a reference to her being brokenhearted for a year, as in severely depressed and almost never leaving her house, and it sucks so bad it's just sad and relatable. Finally Drippy gets a memory that's weirdly joyful and confident and excited... because it's him encouraging Alicia to go fight Shadar, 'cause he had faith in her, he was confident she could do it and obviously it went very wrong for them both.

We also have an episode that shows Shadar's life before he became Shadar and then it also goes into Alicia life story - 'cause we can't avoid fridging her, but we can explore what happened to her after her village was destroyed, how she met Drippy (she was 15 sneaking into a bar and he just thought she seemed like fun to be around. They then became the most annoying and chaotic best friends ever), why she stayed in Ichi No Kuni, and generally just give her a full life and personality outside of being Oliver's mum.

We gave Phil the surname Deer (because species of mice) and him and Miss Leila have a thing where she'll call him Phillip, dear and he responds by calling her Leila Hereford (her surname, because species of cow). Also the episode where Phil gets a Nightmare is called Phillip, Dear and it's so so sad. Like probably the saddest episode of the whole show I'm not kidding.

And speaking of episode titles, here are some of my favourites we've come up with:

Ep 1 is called Gateway, because of course it is,

Ep 2 is called Your World, and last ep of season 4 when Oliver thinks he's leaving is called Our World,

We've got the one where we save King Tom called Save The Cat 'cause apparently there's a she-ra episode called that and my sister really wanted to do it.

Temple of Trials episode is of course called Trial and Error,

The Emperor of Hamelin (where we meet Marcassin and then time travel happens and we meet the previous emperor) followed by The Princes of Hamelin,

Lost (when we're searching for Khulan) followed by Found (when we find Perdida).

And that's pretty much the summary of all the things I desperately wanna talk about with as many people who'll listen as possible. There's some more in-depth stuff me and my sister have talked through, and there's a couple other fun small things i've left out but yeah! It's just a really fun time, and I'm so so thankful you asked because it gave me the excuse to write this incredibly long post lmao so thank you <3

what does rhe tag 'nnk rewrite' mean ? i see you use it a lot . but

Me and my sister have been planning out like a tv show adaptation of wotww (and it’s very fun and if anyone asks I WILL talk about it), and whenever I see a post which has something I wanna remember or use or show my sister (she doesn’t use tumblr) or something like that then I’ll tag it with nnk rewrite. Even tho it’s not exactly a rewrite, it’s just easier for me to tag it as that so I do

[palidoozy-art]

Me and my group started a one-shot in Pathfinder 2E that might honestly transition to a full-fledged campaign. But because my work is never finished, I decided that for this campaign I'd try a "theme" of old jRPGs.

The tokens are heavily based off of Octopath Traveler's, and the portraits are heavily based off of the original Final Fantasy 7.

More of me rambling under the cut.

One of our players had a birthday and couldn't really make the session, so while they were absent my players wanted to try out more of Pathfinder 2e. I wanted to play more of Kjosev, so we decided we'd have a campaign set waaay the fuck back in time.

Almost 200 years ago in our weird CoS/homebrew world, there was an eclipse (caused by the Lord of Twilight Woods/Serafim) that lasted for an entire year. The world went from essentially quasi-industrial/advanced to early medieval, and roughly 75% of the population was killed off. When my players want to create new countries or races, one of the first things I ask them is "how did they survive the Eclipse?" -- because that's how impactful it was.

... so we decided: hey, wouldn't it be cool if we ran something set there? So that's how it started.

It'll also be one of the first time I get to be a full-fledged player in 3+ years, as Ellerian's player will be taking the reins and DMing (the concept interests him a lot). The Eclipse hasn't happened yet, and I don't know when it will. He's told me "I want you guys to fall in love with the world first, then I want to take that away."

The characters, from their portraits, left to right, top to bottom;

Calim (Chaotic Good Summoner) - A blind first quarter elunin (rabbitfolk/viera from my previous post) who can only 'see' through his summon, a shadow drake. He's a college dropout and constantly cracks jokes about being blind. Didn't even know he was a summoner until he finally managed to pull out an eidolon to save a slave girl.

Juno (Lawful Good Fighter) - A genderless waning gibbous elunin who serves as a member of the Night Watch. They take their job extremely seriously. The party hasn't gotten a chance to meet them much, sadly, but hopefully will get more interaction in the future.

Kjosev (Neutral Good Druid) - A dusk elf druid that I've rambled about extensively, but he's a druid of Twilight Woods. A former wizard and seer, he lost his ability to cast arcane spells after being tortured and paralyzed in parts of his hands. He adapted to druidic magic after isolating himself in the Woods. Left to try to warn people of a great calamity. He doesn't know what, specifically, is going to happen, just that it'll be bad.

Genrik (Lawful Evil Summoner) - A dusk elf who was a former teacher. He's a dusk elven supremacist, calling humans 'hairless apes' and insisting that the dusk elf kingdom will rise again. Eventually. It won't, but he seems pretty sure of himself. He only escaped the destruction by stealing a fiend (to enslave, of course) and fleeing when the armies came. He assumes everyone knows him (they don't).

So far they are extremely fun, and I am excited about it. The style also saves me a lot of time as we can just, uh. Borrow sprites from Octopath and other jRPGs.

[sevikasleftpussyflap]

heyy i have a request: so can u do sevika punishes reader by only using toys because she went out in a short skirt and revealing shirt??🫡✨

This gave me bratty reader vibes so that’s the theme of these headcanons. I took some creative liberties with this one, I hope you like it!

Warning: Brat tamer Sevika, Spanking, fisting, deepthroating, soft Sevika, Mommy Dom Sevika, Reader and Sevika have a safeword in all of my imagines, it’s all consensual

Sevika wouldn’t be wholly controlling of what you wear. If that’s your style she wouldn’t expect you to change, she’d just have to make it extra fucking clear that you were off limits to others. If it’s not your usual attire, she’d keep a close eye on you whenever you're out, and maybe her mouth will twist downwards in displeasure when you announce that this is what you’re wearing out but she wouldn’t scold you for it. She’d tell you that you look beautiful, like always, and silently groan at the thought of how many fights she’s going to start tonight

But, let’s say you’re wearing it specifically to get a reaction out of her. Sevika’s too bright to not notice you intentionally flirting or bending over in front of others unnecessarily. So while you’re heading home, a cheeky smile on your face while you cling to Sevika’s arm that has freshly bruised knuckles, she asks you what exactly you want. 

You’re sure you’re gonna get it when you get home, but when she goes to make dinner as you go through the door you ask, “Aren’t you going to punish me?” 

When Sevika freezes, you know it came out a little more enthusiastic than you intended. She turns on you with a raised eyebrow, lips slightly turning upwards as she fights a smile. 

“Why would I punish you? It’s not like you disobeyed me.” Her eyes narrow on you anxiously fiddling your hands and she allows that smirk to slowly spread across her face.

“Well, I wore this outfit?” You try, only to elaborate as she raises an eyebrow again and gives a little head shake at you. “I mean, I shouldn't have worn something so revealing.”

Sevika approached you slowly while you gave her your pitiful explanation, stopping in front of you when she could reach out a hand and cup your face, tilting it upwards to accentuate the height difference.

“Again, you didn’t intentionally disobey me. You can wear what you want.” Your face puckers in annoyance as you catch onto her teasing. A thumb brushes over your cheek with a chuckle from her. “You’re a good pet, aren’t you? You wouldn’t intentionally wear a slutty little outfit, bend over in front of strangers, or prompt them to feel you up, right?”

Her voice hardens with each word, the grip on your face becoming a little tighter. A sigh of relief nearly escapes you.

Finally.

The thing with Sevika is she catches on quickly. She knows when you’re acting out for a punishment, whether that be a spanking, a rough fucking until you nearly break, or both. Sevika, bruised and tired and a little grumpy that she couldn’t have a night off, isn’t going to give you what you want. Since you want her hands on you so much, she deprives you of that. The brief contact she gives you only lasts long enough to tie you to the bed and attach a vibrator to your thigh. She spends the night relaxing, enjoying the show of you begging for her touch, begging her to cum, only for her to deny you of both.

You clearly need some obedience training, so she works on that with you.

Training started in the bedroom with a bullet vibrator. The faster you responded to commands, the shorter the time she deprived you of those delicious vibrations against you. If she told you to lick,  your lips had better be on her skin, whatever’s closest to you. Up can either mean trail your lips up until she tells you enough or that’s good, or it can mean you need to get off her lap because she’s getting up. If it’s the latter, she’ll usually pair it with a gentle smack to your thigh. A short, sharp whistle is to get your attention and usually means you’re bratting too close to the sun and her patience is running low.

See below for what happens when you ignore her commands

Sevika is anything but predictable. She’ll figure out exactly what you want and make sure you don’t get it. She catches on to how eager you are to be over her lap, how you present your ass to her with more enthusiasm than she’ll allow.

“You want me to break you, baby? Okay.” And she’ll start working her fingers into you. The most she’s ever got is three of her thick digits inside so you’re a little concerned when she works a fourth one in. Cold lube drips down your ass and onto her fingers when you feel her thumb prodding at your hole that’s currently stretched beyond what you’re used to. She’s patient and gently works you open until her whole hand is inside you and you’re wailing, because it’s too much, too much, too much. Her metal arm holds you tight and prevents you from squirming away as she wrings orgasms out of you until your brain melts out of your ears, and then she’s asking you about the rules and what her commands mean, making you recount all of them because she’ll only stop when you repeat them to her correctly.

You’re so full, too full for how oversensitive you are and how she flutters her fingers inside you teasingly. That arm of hers has an unbreakable hold on you from where you’re laid across her lap, heaving like you’ve ran a marathon and only just recovering your sight from your last orgasm. 

“Please, Sevika, please-” You can’t articulate much more than that and she thankfully cuts in.

“You want to stop?” You nod your head frantically, falling for the false comfort as her metal claws run across your sweaty hair. The fingers inside you flutter again and you nearly jolt off her lap, kept in place by metal ones around the back of your neck. “Let’s go over the commands again, to make sure this lesson stuck.” 

Damn her, those fingers go to that swollen, spongy spot she’s been abusing and using to make your ears ring.

“I can’t- I can’t focus-”

“No? Then maybe you will when you come again.”

If you’re back talking her or aim a nasty expletive her way, your mouth is getting washed out. Whether it be with her cum or lube, she’ll give it some use. If it’s the former, she’s sitting on your face until you go red. If it’s the latter, she’s slathering it on a dildo and deepthroating you, making sure she gets far down in there to really clean it out.

She always keeps you on your toes so you’ll never know how she’ll react. When you’re giving her a particularly nasty attitude, she’ll see right through you. Your snark and sass are your defense for when you’re feeling neglected or when you’re aching for a bit of structure in your life. Instead of pulling you over her knee, Sev will cup your face and coo at you, tone soft no matter how much attitude you throw at her, and coax you into telling her what you want. Your confession is rewarded and she fucks you good, and you’re infuriated with the way she kisses your face as she does it. She’s successfully broken you out of your fit with loving touches even as she’s pounding into you hard. You fell for it, being her good little pet and letting the facade break away and damn if that doesn’t bring frustrated tears to your eyes.

It’s the hardest you've came and you’re humiliated.

“See? I can take care of my baby. There’s no need to be a brat.” Another deep, hard thrust before she pulls out gently, like you’re made of glass. Like you hadn’t been purposefully making her angry all day. Tears well in your eyes at the guilt and you decide that perhaps this is the worst punishment she could’ve given you.

 “I know, I know, you poor thing. Have I not been giving you enough attention?” Her softness pushes those tears until they overflow and she has to kiss them away with maddening sweetness, knowing damn well she’s been giving you plenty of attention, or as much as she can between work. You’re situated to where she can bring her flesh hand to your head and cradle you to her breast as those hard thrusts slow when you come down from your high. “It’s okay, Momma’s here.”

“Such a good pet for me. See where it gets you when you ask nicely?” 

You’re incredibly well behaved for the next few days, lest she break you with that honeyed attention again.

Sometimes not giving you what you want is the way she decides to go and instead of giving you the punishing sex you need, she takes you apart with gentle touches and slow lovemaking for hours. You’re crying for her to push you until you break but she mockingly shakes her head at you, saying she knows exactly what her baby needs.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

New Rule: The Cojones Awards - Real Time with Bill Maher

New Rule: Great news about a new award show. Listen to this. About a year and a half ago, I was asked to moderate a discussion at the home of a very prominent Hollywood producer. And the attendees that night was a who's who of A-listers and stars. If a bomb went off in that room, there'd be nothing on TV next year but, well, let's just say it would be a great year for Kevin Sorbo. I can't say exactly who was there, but if there really is a Jewish space laser, these guys have the codes.

Anyway the subject we all wanted to talk about that night was cancel culture. It's funny. If this was 10 years ago, this group would have been talking about censorship from the right. Back then it was the Jerry Falwells and Pat Robertsons, the Bill Bennetts and Rush Limbaughs who kept us up at night. I mean besides the cocaine. The book banners and boycotters then were Republicans, like the ones that got me fired after 9-11.

But that's in the past now. And by the past, I mean Florida. And of course not just Florida, today's Republicans have shown that when it comes to canceling they're still more than capable. They canceled Colin Kaepernick for taking a knee, Liz Cheney for defying Trump, Kathy Griffin for performance art. Just last week the redneck royalty of the music world threw a hissy fit because they think Anheuser-Busch is turning their beer gay.

But there's no getting around the fact that what was on the mind of the Liberals that night in Brentwood, or wherever we may have been, was that the most powerful witch hunters now were coming from Twitter, the Ivy League and the progressive left. JK Rowling used to be a villain to the right because she wrote books about witchcraft. Now she's a villain to the left because she has the crazy belief that there's more to being a woman than pronouns and lipstick.

So, that was the point of the evening: how do we take a stand against cancel culture? And I suggested since we were mostly all in show business that we start an award show to honor the brave people who have fought back. Well, I got to tell you, the idea was met with great enthusiasm by everyone, and in short order different people were suggesting the ways that their varied talents could be put to use. And then of course, being Hollywood, nothing happened.

But it's still a good idea. So I'm gonna do it, right here, right now. And not only that, we're gonna do it every year. Ladies and gentlemen, you know the Emmys, you know the Grammys, you know the Tonys, now say hello to the Cojones.

Thank you and welcome to the Cojones. I'm your Master of Ceremonies, and if you're triggered by the word "master" you're in the wrong room. Tonight we present these solid brass balls to the individuals and organizations who others have tried to silence and who answered, "that's not a rule, fuck you."

Our first award goes to the president of my alma mater, Cornell University: Martha Pollock. This month students there demanded trigger warnings before all the lectures in case any of the adult subjects you specifically went to college to learn about came up. And Martha said, "yeah, no, we're not doing that." She didn't cave in or hire a new Dean of Sensitivity. She just said, "no college is for introducing you to new ideas, not for kissing your ass and making you feel wonderful and always right." You're thinking of brunch with your parents. I'm just amazed at how this generation can simultaneously be too sensitive for anything distasteful, and somehow also so into eating ass. So, Cornell, I present you with these balls. I sure could have used them when I was there.

Our next award goes to the place where many Cornell grads will be working next year: Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's, who for years have been selling a line of ethnically themed products trading on the name Joe. For example, they have Trader José's beer. So of course one teenager on Twitter heard the word "José" and said it was racist, and then there was a petition, and then Trader Joe's management did the right thing. They burnt down all their stores and killed themselves. No, they didn't. They said "fuck off you oversensitive little shits, get a life and a sense of humor," and released this statement: "We disagree that any of these labels are racist and we do not make decisions based on petitions." You see how easy it is? So, to the home of the 19 cent banana, here have some nuts.

This next Cojone goes to a man who's dear to my heart for standing up for stand-up. When dozens of Netflix employees walked out over Dave Chappelle's reckless decision to perform comedy on his comedy special, CEO Ted Sarandos could have pulled the special and replaced it with more episodes of "Who Wants to Watch Koreans Get Killed?" But instead he reminded his Netflix employees that comedy exists to push boundaries, and told them, "If you'd find it hard to support our content breath, Netflix may not be the best place for you." So for making the phrase "don't let the door hit you in the ass" never sound better, this is for you Ted.

And you know, when movie lovers get together these days, one phrase that comes up a lot and always makes me sad, "is yeah, you couldn't make that one today." Top of that list is the great "Tropic Thunder" which these scolds have been after for years. But in February, Ben Stiller tweeted, "I make no apologies for Tropic Thunder. It's always been a controversial movie since when we opened. Proud of it and the work everyone did on it." See, people? It's not that hard. He said it and he still got a commercial.

And the lesson is, if you stand up to the mob for just a day or two, their shallow, impatient, immature, smartphone-driven gerbil minds will forget about it and go on to the next nothing-burger, and you? You still will have your Cojones.

==

It takes cojones to speak "truth to power." Which tells you where the power really resides.

--

P.S. I thought he was embellishing the Trader Joe's story, but no, it was literally one triggered teenager.

This language is textbook Postcolonial Theory, not the language of a teenage kid. It's the language of a parishioner reciting the sacred scriptures. (Or perhaps an activist parent feeding them lines.)

[the-bau-quinjet]

Shut Up!

Summary: request! Bucky and Y/N hate each other... or so they say.

Warnings: as Steve would say: Language!, but really it's just a bunch of fluff.

Word Count: 1798

a/n: Italics are thoughts in their heads!!

This request brought me so much joy to think about. Happy Birthday anon! Thank you so much for all the love!!! ❤️ 💕 💗 💖 💘

"BARNES!" You screamed, giving him the customary warning before throwing your least favorite knife at him.

He flung himself backward, catching the knife in midair.

Damn, that's hot. You shook the thought away, glaring at Bucky as he turned to look at you.

"Did you just throw a knife at me?" He asked, incredulous.

You rolled your eyes. "You deserved it. Plus, I warned you." You bit back.

"Y/N, you can't just throw knives at people." Steve sighed, tired of the two of you arguing all the time.

"I don't throw knives at people. Just Bucky." You said his name with disgusted expression. "And he deserved it!"

"What the hell did he do to deserve being impaled by a knife?" Sam chuckled, but only to keep the mood light.

"He wasn't impaled. I knew he would dodge it." You defended yourself, sneering at Bucky's smug grin.

"Not the point. What did he do?" Steve asked again, trying to clear the air despite it never working before.

You pulled the beanie you were wearing off your head, showing off your freshly bleached hair. It was nearly white, a stark platinum blonde contrasting your typical dark style.

"You know what they say, 'blondes have more fun'. I was just looking out for your social life." Bucky smirked, enjoying the rage.

She's so cute when she's angry. He thought as he stared at you.

Sam snorted, trying to hold in the laugh under your glare.

"How thoughtful." You quipped sarcastically, leaning in to threaten him. "I'm going to get you back for this." Your words were laced with venom, the anger palpable even in the vast gym.

"Looking forward to it! Thanks for the knife!" Bucky called as you stormed away, ignoring the thoughts lingering in his head. Not cute. Hot. So very hot when she's angry.

-

The next few days, Bucky heard nothing from you. He didn't think much of it, considering you were likely plotting. It wasn't until you started being uncharacteristically sweet to him that he grew nervous.

"Hey, Buck, Steve." You smiled as you walked up to him and Steve.

"Hi, Y/N." Steve greeted you warmly, glad to see you at least acting cordial after the stunt Bucky pulled.

"Hi..." Bucky hesitated, unsure of what you were playing at.

He's so adorable when he's nervous. You shook your head, getting back on track.

"I brought you some drinks!" You excitedly exclaimed, handing the drink carrier to Steve since Bucky seemed frozen in place. "Protein smoothie for Steve, chocolate milkshake for Bucky."

You walked away without another word, throwing a thumbs up to accept Steve's thanks.

Steve happily drank his smoothie, enjoying the energy boost. Bucky just stared at the milkshake before throwing the entire thing away.

"Buck! Don't be a jerk. She bought that for you." Steve huffed, annoyed with his friend's childish behavior.

"I can't trust anything she gives me unless I saw it being made." He shrugged as if it was obvious.

"Jerk, she's not going to poison you." Steve rolled his eyes.

"You don't know that." Bucky shook his head, walking into the kitchen. The idea of a milkshake made him hungry.

The next day, you were back with more treats. This time a cinnamon roll for Steve, something he said was his guilty pleasure, and a chocolate eclair for Bucky. You were grinning ear to ear as Steve thanked you profusely.

She's so adorable when she's this happy.

Once again, Bucky threw it away, ignoring the glare Steve shot his way.

The next days followed the same pattern. You would seek out Bucky and Steve, giving each of them some snack, dessert, or drink. Bucky threw it away every single time, not trusting your motives.

You didn't break pattern for a solid week, watching as Steve grew increasingly annoyed with Bucky throwing away all of your treats.

"I made cookies!" You walked into the living room where everyone was enjoying movie night. You handed out cookies to every member of the team, saving Bucky for last.

As you walked back into the kitchen to return the platter, you heard Steve whisper yell at Bucky.

"Just eat the cookie." Steve glared, thinking you would be upset if you saw him through it away.

"I can't! What if she did something to it?" Bucky whispered right back.

"Buck! She gave one to everyone! You really think she would purposefully keep track of one specific cookie just to get you back?" Steve rolled his eyes, completely fed up with the situation.

"Yes! I really do!" Bucky defended.

"Eat the damn cookie." Steve spoke between his teeth, elbowing him in the side.

"Fine." Bucky hesitated in bringing the cookie up to his mouth, but ultimately gave in.

As soon as he swallowed the cookie, he knew something was off. His whole body felt tingly, but there was a pleasant warmth to it.

A sudden bright flash of light had you walking back into the room, watching as Bucky turned into a cat.

"What the hell..." Sam turned, glancing between the small white kitten and Steve's shocked expression.

He's cuter as a person. You couldn't stop the thought from popping into your head, causing you to chuckle.

Steve suddenly whipped his head to you.

"Y/N. What did you do?" He sighed, exasperated but a little impressed.

A small meow followed the question, earning various "awws" from the entire room.

"I turned him into a cat." You shrugged nonchalantly, pretending this was a normal occurrence.

"Did everything you brought him this week have the power to do... that?" He gestured to Bucky, who hissed at Steve as if to say I told you so.

"Nope." You shook your head, laughing as Bucky wobbled across the couch, not used to how it felt to move as a feline. "I knew he would think I did something to them, so I didn't. Just plain old snacks."

Damn, she is so fucking smart. Bucky's thoughts came out as a purr, startling the room.

"How long is tinman stuck as a cat?" Tony laughed, enjoying the sight.

"Just a few hours. Long enough to think about why he deserves this." You gestured to your hair.

"Can we take pictures of him in cute cat outfits?" Nat questioned, always up for blackmail material.

You pulled a shopping bag out from behind you, pulling a series of Avenger themes costumes.

"I'm one step ahead of you." You grinned devilishly, swiftly scooping Bucky up from off the couch.

-

"You're evil." Bucky glared at you as soon as he turned back into a human.

"You deserved it. Plus, you were so cute as a little kitten." You pouted.

That pout is doing things to me. Bucky shook his head, trying to maintain the angry facade. He ran his hands through his hair, causing your own thoughts to spiral.

What I would give to run my hands through his hair when he wasn't a cat.

"You turned me into a cat!" He yelled, chasing you down the hall back to the living room.

"You died my hair platinum fucking blonde!" You screamed right back, turning on him once you made it to the end of the hallway.

"I can't stand you." Bucky spat, while simultaneously thinking if only she wanted to touch me not as a cat.

"Yeah, well newsflash! I can't stand you either." You glared right back.

The team watched on with amused expressions.

"Who wants to see pictures of kitty Barnes in cat costumes?" You turned to the room, a wide grin adorning your lips. Without waiting for an answer, you displayed your phone on the TV screen.

He is so damn cute. Cat or no cat. You laughed as you swiped through the pictures.

Bucky tried to grab the phone from you, not wanting to give you the satisfaction of enjoying this too much.

Her laugh is like music.

"Oh my god! Shut up!" Wanda suddenly stood up, pointing at the both of you. "You two pretend to hate each other so much, but your thoughts tell different stories."

Your mouth dropped open, shocked at both Wanda's volume and words.

Bucky wore a similar expression, eyes wide and heart beating fast.

"Wanda, you read my mind?" You tried to deflect the attention.

"No. You were just thinking so damn loud it involuntarily popped into my head." She grinned, trying to impersonate your voice as she quoted your thoughts

"Damn, that's hot. He's so adorable when he's nervous. He's cuter as a person. What I wouldn't give to run my hands through his hair when he wasn't a cat. He is so damn cute. Cat or no cat."

"And those are just from the past week and a half!" She yelled at you.

Bucky grinned smugly, forgetting Wanda also heard his thoughts. "Oh, doll. Why didn't you just say you cared?" He asked in fake sympathy.

You glared at him, ready to fight again when Wanda switched focus.

"Don't start with me Barnes. You think just as loudly!" Her voice took on an exaggerated depth as she impersonated Bucky, sighing dramatically between sentences.

"She's so cute when she's angry. Not cute. Hot. So very hot when she's angry. She's so adorable when she's this happy. Damn, she is so fucking smart. That pout is doing things to me. If only she wanted to touch me not as a cat. Her laugh is like music."

"I can't take it anymore! The two of you are driving me insane." She huffed, barging out of the room in an effort to hear nothing but peace and quiet.

Everyone else quickly followed, figuring the two of you could use a minute to talk.

"You think I'm hot." Bucky stated the fact. "That's embarrassing." He grinned, slowly walking closer to you.

"Not as embarrassing you thinking I'm smart." You countered, a matching grin on your face.

"You want to run your hands through my hair." He smirked, placing his hands on your waist.

"My laugh is like music to your ears." You leaned closer.

"Just kiss already!" Sam shouted from the hallway, but the two of you were in your own world.

"Do you want to get dinner with me? Tomorrow?" Bucky asked, his forehead pressed to yours.

"I'd like that." You smiled back.

The two of you moved in tandem, pressing your lips together, fighting for dominance of the kiss.

You pulled back, breathless and needing air. "I hope you know I'm not deleting the pictures of you as a cat."

"I wouldn't think so." Bucky chuckled, pressing another quick kiss to your lips.

"You know what this means?" He asked, an eyebrow raised.

You grinned conspiratorially while nodding. "We can team up on Wilson!"

"My thoughts exactly." He smiled, pulling you into another breathtaking kiss.

Permanent taglist:

@averyhotchner @jesuswasnotawhiteman

[drakenology]

Arguments - feat Bakugo, Todoroki, Kirishima and Tamaki Amajiki

author’s note: i’m feeling angsty today. so this is gonna be about arguing with some of the bnha characters. anyone else feel off today? just me?

warnings: swearing, angst, fluff 🥺, and suggestive themes not full on smut. characters aged up! some of these are long.. i was feeling dramatic

headers from @annicon

Bakugo

as much as i love this man i can admit he would be SOO stubborn

would get frustrated easily

yells 🥺

he knows when to walk away when the conversation isn’t getting anywhere which is good

would NEVER hurt you (i’ve seen ppl write that this mf hits you... girl...domestic violence is not an aesthetic.)

he isn’t the best with words so it’ll take him a little while to admit he’s wrong because he can’t verbalize how sorry he is sometimes

when he does he’ll hug and kiss you and apologize like a million times after he’s done being a stubborn little prick.

gives you the best “i’m sorry “ dick imaginable holy shit

Bakugo done did it. He pissed you off. You were already having a terrible day and then you come home to this motherfucker with a bunch of people over after you told him that you weren’t in the mood for company. So for the rest of the night when everyone left, you gave him the silent treatment knowing that he HATES when you ignore him on purpose.

“Y/N?”

You say nothing, continuing scrolling through your phone to look like you were preoccupied.

“Y/N, what’s your problem? I know you hear me.” Bakugo persists.

You ignore him, turning your back to face him. He grunts and grabs your shoulder, turning you back around to face him.

“Y/N if you’re pissed at me just say that. But ignoring me is fucking immature and it’s pissing me off!” He yells. Translation: “What did I do? 🥺”

“I’M pissing YOU off!? That’s funny. Because it’s not like you didn’t completely ignore my fucking feelings tonight. Why did you invite Kirishima and Denki over after I specifically said I didn’t feel like playing fucking HOSTESS!” You shout back, throwing your phone somewhere.

“Are you serious!? I never told them to come here they just showed up. What was I supposed to do tell them to piss off!?” Katsuki asked.

“YES!” You scream, annoyed that he’s not getting the reason why you’re upset. You never minded having Bakugo’s friends over but you just wanted to have a calm night with just the two of you. You were exhausted and fixing dinner for you and 3 other people and listening to loud chatter about sports and video games was not on your to-do list.

“This is so fucking petty! I don’t get why you’re so mad that they came over.” Katsuki said shrugging his shoulders.

“That’s the problem, idiot! You don’t fucking get it! I worked all day today. I just wanted us to relax but no, you wanted to have a fucking guys night in my living room! It’s the complete disregard for my feelings that’s pissing me off not the fact that they came. I told you I was tired and you having them come over anyways was like a big fuck you to me!” You explain, your face pulled into a face Katsuki knows is your angry face. Bakugo sighs, not ready to admit that he was wrong.

“Tch. Whatever. I’m gonna go sleep on the fucking couch. Let me know when you’re done being fucking frigid.” He shouts, clearly out of anger.

“Fine.”

“Fine!”

Katsuki leaves your shared room and slammed the door, you throwing yourself onto the bed. You feel tears sting your eyes as you sob into your pillow. You hated fighting with Bakugo, and you knew he hated it too. He has a hard time expressing himself without getting defensive sometimes. But you knew he felt bad. You sigh and close your eyes and go to sleep.

The next morning you get up from bed and get ready to start your day. You shower and brush your teeth, you and Bakugo strategically avoiding each other all morning to go and do your daily routines. You didn’t utter a word to each other. Just questions and short answers.

“Got work?”

“Yup.”

“When?”

“7:30.”

The silence killed you both as you sat at the table and ate breakfast, Bakugo’s face pulled into a frown as he ate. You roll your eyes and go to put your dishes in the sink and grab his once he’s done. You can hear him get up from his chair as you wash both your plates and dry them. You had assumed he was leaving so you just wash all the rest of the dishes without turning your back. Suddenly you felt familiar arms wrap around your waist.

“Let me go.” You say, tearing up at the sudden touch. He was trying to make up with you and you were so ready to forgive him. The tension was almost too much to bear. This fight was small and it turned into something way bigger than need be.

“Not until you listen to me. I’m sorry, ok? I should have never yelled at you the way I did. And calling you frigid wasn’t ok either. I shoulda just told everyone to go home. We have those dumbasses over all the time. One night wouldn’t have killed me. I’m sorry. Can we just forget this shit ever happened? I hate it when you’re mad at me.” He pleaded, burrowing his face into the crook of your neck. You smile and turn around to look at his face, cupping his cheeks in both your hands as you stand on you tip toes to kiss him. He kisses you back eagerly, happy that you and him are back on good terms. He pulled away from the heated kiss and looks at the clock on the microwave.

“6:30...we still have an hour to kill. If you’re late I’ll drop you off.” Katsuki says, his eyes turning dark with feral lust.

“Late? What are yo-�� you’re interrupted by Bakugo pulling you into your bedroom with determination to make things right.. his way.

Tamaki (🥺 my new found love)

Tamaki is NOT a confrontational person so arguing with you is really hard. He hates raising his voice or even getting to a point to where he’s angry because he doesn’t want to think about hurting you in anyway.

He’ll shut down and turn cold or try and act nonchalant.

he might even avoid conflict by changing the subject

if he’s riled up enough though he’ll cuss you out.. to his dismay

doesn’t like being mad at you and vice versa

hates arguments.. like honestly can you just get over it so he can eat you out now?

speaking of eating you out, he gives apology head and he won’t stop until you say you forgive him.

Tamaki didn’t like to admit it but he was really jealous. Like really really jealous like YANDERE type jealous. You and him were out to dinner with Mirio so you were all chatting about mindless nothing, catching up like you always do. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary for you but to Tamaki it appeared that Mirio was a little too playful at dinner with you. He was cracking jokes and poking fun and Tamaki took it as him flirting with you; which Mirio would never disrespect your relationship like that. Rage sat in the pit of Tamaki’s chest as you laugh at all his jokes. He was furious but hid it pretty well for the night.

“And then Tamaki wet himself in front of the whole class when I scared him with my quirk in middle school. Can you believe it?” Mirio laughs, causing you to laugh at the thought.

“Oh leave him alone, Togata.” You giggle, waving your hand in front of your face to stop the tears from laughter. He had been making you laugh all night all to Tamaki’s disliking. He was quiet all dinner, which you noticed immediately after Togata’s last joke.

“Hey Tamaki, is everything ok?” You ask, concerned that he might not want to be out anymore.

“Yeah.” He said coldly. “Actually I’m just gonna go to the car. I feel kinda sick.” He stands from his seat and walks to the exit, absolutely fucking furious that you were “flirting” with his childhood friend right in front of him.

“Awkward. What’s up with him?” Mirio asks, completely dumb founded by Tamaki’s sudden disappearance.

“I dunno. I’m gonna go to the car and see what’s wrong. Do you mind?” You ask, standing from your seat.

“Nah that’s cool. I’m actually gonna head out. You go on ahead, Y/N. I’ll take care of the tab.. this time.” Mirio jokes. You giggle and thank him, walking towards the exit. You walk through the parking lot and find the car, seeing Tamaki sitting in the passenger side with his arms crossed across his chest. What was his deal? You open the car door and sit in the driver’s side to meet a thick tension.

“What’s wrong Tamaki? Do you really feel sick or are you upset with me?” You ask.

“Why don’t you ask Mirio? I’m sure he’ll be able to answer since he’s the only guy you talked to all night. It was like I wasn’t even there.” Tamaki says, calm but obviously pestered.

“Is that was this is about? Tama you know it wasn’t like that. Mirio has always been a jokester what’s the difference now?” You ask, getting a little upset at his accusation.

“The difference is that he was trying to make a pass at you. He was so obviously flirting with you.” He says, his tone becoming stern. You’re shocked at how he was getting, frowning at how unreasonable he was being.

“No he wasn’t, Tamaki.” You say, looking him dead in his eyes.

“Yes he was. I’m not about to fight with you about this he was clearly fucking flirting with you. He joked with you all night and you laughed at every single thing he said. You must want to fuck him, don’t you?” He asked, looking at you with some sort of betrayal in his eyes. This infuriates you.

“What are you talking about!? You know I would never cheat on you Tamaki. Especially not with your best friend. What’s with you!?” You ask sternly, not amused or pleased in the slightest.

“Whatever, Y/N.” Tamaki says, looking out the car window while turning the other way so he’s not facing your side of the car. He knew this was stupid and he knew your loyalty was never to be questioned but he couldn’t shake this feeling of jealousy.

“No. You don’t get to start a fight and then blow me off when you’re through arguing! Talk to me!” You yell, furious at this point. Tamaki shrugs, avoiding the situation entirely now.

“Just drive. I wanna go home.” He says, not taking his eyes off the view from his window. You roll your eyes and start the car, pulling out of the parking lot to start your way home. The drive home was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. You were so angry that you didn’t talk to Tamaki the whole way home, knowing you’d probably cuss him out if he said the wrong thing. Tamaki immediately felt bad after picking that fight. He didn’t know what came over him, he knew he had to make it up to you before you two go to bed angry with each other. You approach your shared apartment and park the car, silence still riddling the car. The tension between you both was intense and it scared you. You’ve never seen Tamaki this upset. Jealousy was always an issue for him but he’s never reacted this strongly.

“Y/N?” Tamaki says breaking the silence. You look at him, a little relieved that he’s talking to you again.

“I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that to you. I know you’d never cheat on me, of course. But I was just so jealous. It felt like you and Mirio were on a date and I was just the third wheel. The thought of him taking you from me drove me crazy. I wasn’t thinking. Can you forgive me?” He says, placing his hand on top of yours on the steering wheel. You sniffle, tearing up at his apology.

“Tamaki, I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I love you so much. No one could ever take your place, not even Mirio. I’d never betray you like that, ever.” You sob, tears flowing down your face. Tamaki questioning your loyalty really hurt your feelings and he hated seeing you cry.

“I know that. Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry, Y/N. It was so stupid of me to even assume.” He says, taking his hand and wiping your tears away. He took your hand and gave it a sweet kiss to soothe you, rubbing circles with his thumb on it as he consoled you. You giggle and wipe your tears, happy that you guys made up after that silly fight.

“Let’s go inside.”

Todoroki

arguments between you two get heated. It gets to a point where sometimes you don’t speak to each other for days. he’ll definitely give small reminders that he still loves you to butter you up to alleviate some of the tension.

raises his voice

just as stubborn as bakugo

to a fault of his upbringing facing his emotions was hard for him sometimes, causing him to be cold when you fight

when it’s time to get over it and make up he’ll make it a huge event; flowers, chocolates and lots of freaky apology sex

cant stand arguing with you just like tamaki but wont back down in the slightest

is sure he doesn’t say anything harsh to make the situation worse.

“Why are you being so stubborn?!” You shout at your bi-colored haired boyfriend. The two of you have been fighting all day to your surprise. Shoto was usually easy going and you two hardly fought. But today, a bug seemed to have crawled up Todoroki’s ass and he’s been picking fights all day. You’ve been arguing about small things like who left the bathroom light on or who ate the last hot pocket. Right now it was an argument about when you’re going to meet his father Endeavor. It’s been almost a year since you two have been together and you don’t even think his father knows you exist.

“For the last time Y/N we’re not going to my dad’s house. That’s final! You can argue with yourself about this. End of discussion.” Shoto says, very annoyed at the thought of being near his father. He still couldn’t stand him, even as an adult. He can’t bring himself to bring you around him because he knows how he can be. If he even says something slightly rude to you he’ll flip the fuck out. You groan in frustration, wishing he’d at least consider.

“He doesn’t know we’re together does he!? What am I to you some secret? Why did you stay with me all this time if your family doesn’t even know I exist !?” You shout, tearing up with seering anger.

“It’s not that. Of course he knows we’re together; my whole family knows! Why do you want to involve him so badly?!” Shoto yells.

“Why wouldn’t I want to meet my fucking boyfriend’s father!? You’re not making any sense.” You say, getting more and more frustrated as Shoto makes excuses.

“You know what? Fine. We’ll go meet him tomorrow. But as soon as he treats you like you’re not good enough for me don’t be surprised when I tell you I fucking told you so. God you can be so stubborn sometimes.” Shoto shouts, rolling his eyes at you.

“Oh I’M stubborn!? That’s rich coming from you. You’re being so unreasonable right now. I know you and your father-“

“YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT MY FATHER. Stop speaking on things you haven’t the first idea about!” Shoto yells, punching a nearby wall. (Oop.) You flinch, shocked at how angry he got so quickly. You tear up and run off to your bedroom, Todoroki immediately regretting getting so upset with you. He scared you and that’s something he never wanted to do to you under any circumstances. You cried yourself to sleep that night, angry that things got so heated. Why did he react like that? And why was he treating you as if you knew nothing about him and his father. He would vent to you about him all the time and you gave him advice when you could. But tonight you felt like you were nothing but an outsider. Shoto didn’t even bother coming into the room. He couldn’t face you after making you cry. Right now, he hated himself for treating you like that. He was just so afraid of his father’s judgement he didn’t want him to hurt your feelings with how crass he was. If Endeavor found the slightest thing wrong with you he’d never let you or him forget it. He could hear him now calling you unworthy of the Todoroki name. The thought alone enraged him. In his own cryptic way, he was trying to protect you from him but this was no way to do it nor did he have the right. Todoroki slept on the couch, missing your warmth against him in your bed.

The next morning the two of you drove to the Todoroki estates in silence. You were still pissed at him and Shoto didn’t want to say anything to further upset you. He was annoyed he was making this trip in the first place but he knew he had to man up for your sake. It was unfair of him to try and keep you away from his family especially since you would one day take on his name and be a part of the family when he married you. He knew he couldn’t keep you away forever, but god couldn’t he have had a little more time? He dreaded this day.

“Ready?” Shoto asks coldly, trying to hide his remorse from his tone. You nod, getting out of the car before he could walk over and open the door for you. Shoto is surprised and gets out with you, guiding you to his old home. He can’t lie, he’s so fucking nervous. What if he hates you? Not that he cares what he thinks, he’ll marry you anyway but still. He at least wants his blessing. You walk with Shoto to the main room of the home and wait for Endeavor to come downstairs. Suddenly you hear footsteps from across the room. It was him. He was tall and his aura was so dark and intimidating.

“You must be Y/N.” Endeavor says, looking down at your small frame. You nod, a wave of nervousness shooting through your body.

“N-Nice to meet you sir.” You bow respectfully.

“No need for that. Please, have a seat.” Endeavor says gesturing to the couch. You and Shoto sit down next to each other, Endeavor following suit by sitting across from you two.

“So.. how long have you two been together?” Endeavor asks, his booming voice almost sending an echo throughout the empty room. You gulp and look towards Shoto.

“10 months.” He answers for you, taking your hand to calm you. You’re still mad at him but god you’re glad he’s doing his best to ease your anxiety.

“And you just now arrange a meeting? Hm.” Endeavor questions, looking at you as if he was scanning you to find something irredeemable about you. You look down at your lap, unable to keep eye contact with the intimidating man.

“I-I wanted to meet with you sooner. Me and Shoto fought about coming here last night but I convinced him.” You say nervously.

“I see. You seem like an ok girl. Shoto has had his fair share of.. inadequate women in his life so, you’re a step up from the rest.” Endeavor says, motioning for a maid to make you all some tea. You laugh nervously, Shoto squeezing your hand in annoyance. Was that a compliment?

“You two seem like you’ve been fighting.” Endeavor says suddenly, observing both your body language. You’re both shocked as you turn to look at each other. How’d he know that?

“What’s it to you?” Shoto asks, glaring at his father.

“Oh nothing. But if you’re planning on marrying this girl it’s probably best to not argue too much with her. Hell, she might up and leave.”

Shoto looks at you, pain in his eyes. The look on his face alone said “I’m sorry.” Shoto hated to admit it but his father was right. Fighting as much as you have been, especially the fight you had last night was toxic and could take a toll on your relationship.

You smile at him and turn to Endeavor

“I’d never leave him.” You say, snuggling closer to Shoto as he blushed. He was embarrassed that he was being so vulnerable around his father but he knew that only you could make this happen.

After a long conversation with Endeavor and Shoto, you leave with a feeling that you might have won him over. You think? He was hard to read, just like Shoto. He was more like his father than he likes to admit. Shoto opens the car door for you to get inside and then walks to the drivers side to come in. You sit in the car for a while, silent until Shoto grabs you and leans over to kiss you. You kiss him back, tearing up into the kiss.

“I’m sorry, snowflake. I can’t believe I raised my voice at you like that. I was just so scared that he was gonna hate you and say something disrespectful. I should have just told you that instead of being defensive. I’m so so sorry I scared you. Please forgive me. ” He pleaded, peppering kissing on your face.

“I know. And I forgive you.” You giggle, pulling Todoroki closer to you to kiss him again.

Kirishima

Out of all the boys he’s the least stubborn when it comes to fighting. But don’t be fooled, he’ll argue you down. he’s very good at managing his temper when it comes to you.

Regrets starting a fight in the first place

Just wants to cuddle and go back to normal

But when he’s angry hooo boy

doesn’t even yell, he’s like a calm angry which is terrifying

tries talking over you, trying to plead his case

will not rest until the situation is resolved and over with so you guys can move on

like all the others... apology sex

will try not to lose his patience

You and Kirishima had been together for a while now so it was only inevitable that you two have your first fight. You were always a vigilant person and wanted to help others even though you were quirkless like Deku was at one point. Kirishima is protective of you to a fault and the thought of you getting hurt or worse didn’t sit well with him at all. You assured him that you were capable of taking care of yourself and protecting yourself but he wasn’t having any of it. You spent years perfecting your martial arts skills, training your ass off for countless hours everyday and he knew that. But he didn’t want you to one day meet your match without him there to protect you.

“Y/N, drop it. You’re not going on missions with me and that’s final. It’s too dangerous.” Eijiro said, his brows furrowed. He was trying not to lose his patience with you but you kept insisting. He just wished you’d forget about this whole thing; for your safety.

“You don’t have the right to tell me what I can and can’t do! I’m fully capable for taking care of myself and you know that.” You yell, irritated at your boyfriend underestimating your abilities. Eijiro sighs and stands up from the couch to stand in front of you, inching so close you could almost kiss.

“I’ll die before I let you go out there. Do you know what would happen to me; to your friends and family if something happened to you!? We’d be crushed. Please just drop this.” Kirishima says, wanting to avoid this conversation all together. But alas, nothing was changing your mind. You were very head strong and stubborn to no avail so you weren’t going down without a fight.

“You can’t stop me!” You yell

“Oh I can’t?” Eijiro challenged.

“No. You can’t. You can’t treat me like a child, Eijiro.” You say. “How can you say I’m not ready if you don’t give me a chance to prove I am!?”

“Because you just aren’t! Okay!? You say you’re not a child but you’re acting like one and a petulant one at that. Just drop it! God, you can be so stubborn sometimes. Don’t you see I’m just trying to keep you safe!?” Kirishima yells, instantly regretting raising his voice at you and losing his cool. You tear up, furious that he’s treating you like some kid. You grab your stuff and prepare to leave his apartment.

“Where are you going?” Kirishima sighs

“Fuck you, Eijiro.” You say, walking away from him and going outside to cool off. Kirishima tries to grab you before you leave but you snatch your arm away from him and walk outside with a huff and a slam of the door. You wipe your hot tears away and start aimlessly walking down the street to go home. Hell, you don’t even know your way home from Eijiro’s place but you’ll be damned if you go back there. As you walk you see Kirishima’s car pull up to the side of you, driving slowly to keep up with your walking pace.

“Y/N please get in the car.” He says out the car window

“No! I don’t wanna talk to you so just go away!” You yell, continuing to walk as the brisk wind assaults your bare skin. Dammit you forgot your coat.

“Y/N! You’re being ridiculous just please get in the car. You left your jacket; it’s freezing out here!” Eijiro shouts, getting out of the car and grabbing you to pull you inside. You groan, obviously being overpowered by your strong boyfriend. Kirishima slams the door and gets back inside, drives back to his apartment and parks in the driveway. He sighs and leans his head on the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry I got so heated with you. But can you blame me? I’m worried about you. Sure we’ll be on these missions together but what if something happens? What if I’m not there to protect you when something goes wrong? These missions are unpredictable; anything could happen and I’d literally die if even a scratch is put on you.” Eijiro pleads. You start crying, sniffling at his words. He was right to be worried.

“I love you, Eijiro and I appreciate you being so concerned about me. But that doesn’t give you the right to shelter me. You can’t just force me to not follow my dream.” You sob, wiping your tears away. Eijiro grabs your hand and kisses it.

“I know. I just can’t bear the thought of you being hurt. But if this is what you really want, I have no choice but to at least see this through.” Kirishima says, holding your small hand in his two massive ones. You smile, putting your other hand on top of his.

“Thank you. Also, I’m sorry for saying fuck you to you. That was mean.” You say pouting.

“It was. Hurt my feelings.” Eijiro said faking sadness, immediately laughing as he watched your face frown up again at the thought of hurting his feelings.

“Oh shut up.”

[jadequeen88]

Smart Girls Make Fast Learners

NSFW 18+ ONLY. MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED!

My contribution to the BNHarem’s monthly collab. The theme was SEx work. ⛓This piece is a first real deep dive into darker themes and was actually really, really exciting to write. 🖤 A massive thanks to my dear friend @libiraki​ for beta reading this.

TW: yandere behavior, toxic relationship, degradation, non-con, dub-con, degradation/praise kinks, mind break, oral (M and F receiving), over stim, loss of virginity, mentions of physical violence.

DISCLAIMER: I do not condone this type of relationship. This is a work of fiction and if this happens IRL please get out of the relationship!

There is a very specific type of dread that occurs when you discover that the person you built your world around has been lying to you. Tamaki Amajiki was experiencing this brand of betrayal for the first time in his twenty-one years on a rainy Tuesday in October in the dim lighting of your dorm room. His grip tightened around the open laptop as he stared at glimpses of flesh in the thumbnails of the many, many videos posted to the site. Previous live streams with thousands of views. He gulped down the bile in his throat as he scrolled through the videos. His shock and disgust morphed into a pure rage as he counted up the live streams that you’d had since first kissing him. 12. There had been twelve. Three times a week for the past four weeks. 

Those big doe eyes that looked into his eyes as you tentatively licked the tip of his cock for the first time… mere hours later they were rolling in the back of your head as you got off for strangers on the internet. He couldn’t take it. You were his first… everything… he knew that you hadn’t been innocent in your past. The way your tongue expertly wound around his when you first kissed him amongst your plush pillows and goose-down comforter reminded him of the fact. The low violet LED lighting of your bedroom made him feel like the two of you were in your own ethereal world. He could forgive you for not waiting for him as he’d waited for you. 

For the past four years, he kept to the shadows. He was there when the football player from freshman year cheated on you with one of your terrible friends (and when it happened the second, third, fourth time). He was there to binge your favorite shows with you (“*insert current guy you were fucking* just doesn’t get it, he’s not into it. I’m so glad I’ve got you to watch it with!”) He bit back the heartache that would wash over him when you’d pet him and coo over him… you didn’t see him as a man. He wanted to bend you over and prove he could fuck your brains out. He KNOWS he’d be perfect for you. But he never rejected the attention. He smiled and accepted whatever crumbs fell from your table. Whether it be helping you study or letting you complain about your shitty friends or your shitty jock boyfriends or your shitty parents… He gave and gave and gave… until that one day, 35 days ago to be exact, a shift in the tide occurred.

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“So why don’t you have a girlfriend, Tama-kun?”

“Wh-wha?”

Tamaki dropped the pencil he’d been using and before he could bend to get it himself, your hand was on his thigh and he was putty in your grasp. You giggled and cooed over him like you always did, but this time you did it while assaulting his mouth and neck with your skilled tongue. This time, for the first time, you made Tamaki feel like a man. Like YOUR man.

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Over the next few weeks, Tamaki had become quite skilled in pleasing a woman. It only took a little guidance to have him sucking at your clit with just the right amount of pressure. He learned on his own how to couple that with his long, delicate fingers twisting and pumping in and out of your slick hole. You’d cling to his silky hair, pulling him closer as a constant stream of praise tumbled from your lips:

“No one has ever made me feel this good.”

“Your fingers are perfect Tama-kun”.

“I love your mouth on me so much, baby.”

The first time you came on his face, Tamaki knew there was a god because he’d found heaven between your thighs.

But that was gone now… ripped away with one mouse click on the night he was going to finally give you his virginity. He had held on to it like it was a treasure. A treasure he’d present to you one day wrapped up in life-long devotion and worship... But Tamaki wasn’t in heaven anymore. He wasn’t going to worship you tonight. For the first time since laying eyes on you, Tamaki wanted to hurt you.

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You turned the shower off and dried yourself. Wiping the condensation from the mirror, you couldn’t help but smile at your reflection. You felt like this was going to be the first time giving your body to someone. Tonight was a redo. You were wiping the slate clean. Your first time would no longer be underneath the football captain in the passenger seat of his truck, left feeling sore and unsatisfied. It was going to be with the guy you should have noticed long ago. It would be soft and slow… passionate and filled with sweet words and caresses… limbs tangled in soft sheets that smell like lavender and vanilla. 

You applied your lotion and moisturized your face. The red lace adorning your body was arranged perfectly, accentuating the soft swell of your hips and chest. With one last glance in the mirror and adjustment of your bra, you opened the door to the cool air of your dorm room…

...And saw Tamaki looking murderous. 

His eyes slowly left the screen to meet your gaze. His tear-stained face had never looked this harsh. His normally sweet eyes were narrowed and red from crying. The sweet lips you’d licked and sucked with such tenderness were hard and cold as they pulled upward in a grimace.

The only thing he said before rising from the bed and setting aside your laptop was your camgirl username. Then he was on you before you could draw a breath to explain.

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Tamaki always thought he liked you best on top of him showering him with kisses and threading your fingers through his hair, but he had to admit… having your arms tied to a bed frame with the silky sash of your bathrobe cutting into your skin was doing things to him. When you sniffled, face stained with tears and snot, his dick twitched in his boxers. The whines you were choking back behind the silky red panties stuffed down your throat sent chills up his spine. You had to learn the hard way not to spit them out after a harsh slap echoed against your skin when you fought back the first time.

Tamaki stood back to survey the mess of skin, spit, and tears for a moment. You were a blank canvas for him to mark up with his rage and lust. You tried to hide away your bare pussy by clenching your thighs together. It only spurred him on.

“Do you have any clue what you’ve done?” he hovered over you, sleek muscles rippling over your own soft body, “I waited, and waited, and WAITED,” he bit down on the side of your exposed neck and you screamed behind the silky gag, trying your best not to expel it from your mouth and receive more punishment.

“I want to give you everything, Y/N,” he licks over the bite, almost apologetically, “I don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want it to happen like this… FUCK, why?! Why did you ruin this?” his long fingers dug into your cheeks as he forced you to meet his fiery gaze. You couldn’t help whimpering and sniffling back more clear runny snot. You were so humiliated at how disheveled and disgusting you must look. His head ducked into the soft spot between your neck and shoulder and you felt him sob. 

Despite the abuse he’d inflicted upon you in the last ten minutes, you nuzzled your cheek into the top of his head in an attempt to comfort him. And he let you… he hated himself for it and he hated you for making this all so hard for him.

“No… no, no, no,” he rose from the bed to set up your ring-light and laptop, ice running through your veins at the sight. Your mind couldn’t accept what was about to happen.

“I’m... I’m not letting you get away with this,” he shook his head and pulled at his hair as he finished setting everything up, “If you’re insisting on being a slut, you’ll be MY slut. And everyone will know…” he jerked your ankle to force you flat on your back.

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Maybe if he’d let the gag out of your mouth, you’d be able to tell him this was just a job to you. That it was clinical… that he was the only one who had ever been able to get you off, that his face was the only one you’d come on… that you needed the money since your parents had disowned you…

But you only laid there, accepting whatever he was going to dish out. You knew he was hurt. You weren’t stupid. You overlooked him while knowing how he felt about you. It took years of horrible one-night stands and countless frat parties pretending that whatever guy you’d picked that night was interesting for you to come to your senses. You hated yourself for being so blind for so long… You adored Tamaki, truly. And you hated yourself for all the times you’d hurt him… so you swallowed your fear and tried to prepare yourself for whatever came next.

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Any soft parts of Tamaki that you’d grown to love were gone, hardened by heartache and desperation. After angling the laptop to get the perfect shot, he started the live stream countdown. Subscribers started trickling in, commenting on how this was a pleasant surprise since it wasn’t one of your regularly scheduled streams. You shut your eyes to pretend this wasn’t real.

Without fanfare or warning, Tamaki ripped apart your thighs, exposing your bare slit. A raw shrill was pulled from your lungs, your back arching from the sting of an abrupt slap. Neurons fired off in your brain… were you in pain? Was it pleasure?

“Since my girlfriend likes to keep secrets from me, I can’t trust what comes out of her whore mouth,” he emphasized his point by stuffing his fingers past your lips, pushing the soaked silk further into your throat, “So she’s going to keep this gag right here until I can fuck the truth out of her,” he trailed his fingers along your reddened folds. Were you getting wet? Horror and shame blossomed in your chest. The fact that you were growing aroused wasn’t lost on Tamaki. His foreign, sadistic grin was back… aimed directly into your soul.  

“So that’s what you like, huh?” His nails bit into your thighs leaving tiny crescents behind, “I’ve been too nice? Too soft?” He pushed your thighs impossibly wide, the stretch causing you to moan. He hovered over your core, onyx orbs blown wide with a mix of hate and lust. Tamaki looked like the devil himself and you wondered just how fucked up you were for wanting his punishment.

He opened his mouth and lolled out his tongue, never severing the desperate gaze you both shared, his intertwined with hunger, yours with fear. You’d never noticed how long and thick his tongue was and couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel caressing every ridge and crevice of your inner walls. He flattened the warm, wet muscle and pressed it along your slit. As he slowly slid it closer and closer to your burning clit, you whimpered and bucked your hips chasing the pleasure you knew he was capable of giving… but this was not your sweet boy and he wasn’t doing any of this for your pleasure.

He slung his arm over your lower stomach and growled into your drenched lips. You were pinned down, helpless against his torturous tongue. Fresh tears pricked at your eyes as you remembered how he’d let you pet him and buck into his face, how sweetly he’d ease you into a gentle release. Not this time… it was all teeth and sharp sucks, his tongue forcing you open violently. You were being shoved over a cliff and despite the horror and violence of what was happening to you. You were approaching an orgasmic state at record speed. Tamaki caught on and doubled down. The arm that wasn’t pinning you into the mattress pulled your leg down straight, your knee in a death grip. The new angle made the sensations even more intense. His face pressed harder into your core and you noticed that at some point, he’d started weeping, small sobs vibrating against your skin. The overwhelming mix of emotions and the vigor in which he was eating you shoved you over the edge.

He kept going along at the same speed with the same determination through your orgasm until it became painful. You pushed past it as best you could, allowing him to sob into your over-sensitive skin until he had his fill. As the pain started intermingling with pleasure, your legs shook and the gag couldn’t hold your screams back any longer. You released against his tongue once more, both of you sobbing. He laid against your thigh for what felt like an eternity before he lifted himself to lay on top of you, his hip bones digging into your soft thighs. You could feel the bulge through the thin material of his boxer briefs. Your hips rose to meet it, a pleading gesture filled with the desire to comfort and please him. Your eagerness encourages his mercy, there’s a meek cry that leaves your lips when the damp silk slips from between your teeth.

“Please baby… I’m so, so sorry I didn’t tell you…” your voice was as weak as a kitten’s cry and Tamaki couldn’t deny it made his heart (his dick) clench.

“Say it…” his lips were close enough to kiss, but you resisted… fearful of what he’d do if you did.

“Say what, Tama?” your eyes were wide with concern and confusion. You were desperate to please him.

He turned your face to the camera that you’d forgotten was there and the gravity of the situation crashed around you again. New tears leaked from your stinging eyes as Tamaki whispered into your ear.

“Say that you’re a lying whore…”

“I..I’m a lying whore…”

The last syllable broke as your abused throat grew accustomed to speaking again. He rewarded you with a soft kiss to your cheek and your eyes closed at the tender gesture. The familiar pain in your chest welled to the surface causing even more tears to escape.

“And tell everyone that you’re my own personal slut”

You repeated the phrase to the audience behind the screen and he hummed with approval, trailing one finger along your wet cheek. 

“Good girl…” the praise sent shivers through your wrecked body.

“And tell them from now on, your boyfriend will be the only one making you come… that they only get to see you be HIS slut.”

You noticed the chat going absolutely haywire at your announcement. Before Tamaki shut your laptop, you realized you’d made three times as much as you’d ever made before and a twisted sense of accomplishment filled your cloudy mind.

“Please,” your voice came out in a croak, “Please untie me. I wanna make it up to you,” his clothed bulge was burning into your core and you could tell he was close to breaking.

“Please let me make you feel good. I’m so, so sorry,” the clench of your thighs around his waist made him whimper.

He reluctantly pulled away to sit on the foot of the bed. The way he curled in on himself hugging his knees made him appear so small, so fragile… a complete change from the man who’d just manhandled you into restraints.

“You’re a liar…” you almost didn’t hear the whisper, his face buried into his knees.

“Please!” you were losing feeling in your hands and all you wanted was to be free to comfort him.

His eyes met yours and it was your Tamaki again... Your sweet boy… the snarling, green beast that threatened to devour you was sleeping now after it reached its fill of violence. He crawled over your body and released your restraint. Before you even regained feeling in your hands, you wrapped your arms around him. You littered his collarbone with sweet kisses and apologetic sobs. He began to melt into your affectionate gestures and you wrapped your legs around his waist pulling him impossibly close. Wet lips met and your tongues fought against each other for dominance. Hips began to roll against each other, increasing pressure until you both gasped. 

The violence was gone, but this was still not a gentle coupling like you’d been planning. Tamaki pulled away and freed his straining cock from his boxers. The skin-to-skin contact made your eyes roll back into your skull. You felt his long fingers grasp your throat, squeezing to remind you just how powerful they were. You shuddered in response, arching upward into his touch, chasing that high his dominance was giving you.

With one swift motion, Tamaki speared you onto his cock. With the minimal prep he’d given you, the stretch was agonizing. This was by far the largest cock you’d ever taken and it stole your breath from your aching lungs. You moaned earning a visceral reaction from the boy on top of you.  

Tamaki stayed as still as he could. He refused to come so soon… not when he’d waited so long for this. He tightened his grip on your throat and tentatively rocked his hips into yours. It didn’t take long for it to progress into the most frantic love-making you’d ever experienced.

There was no other way to describe it, he was hate fucking you… biting and sucking your chest until blood bloomed under your skin… hammering into your sore, sticky cunt with total abandon… he was using you like a toy, taking out all his frustrations on your body.

It was ecstasy.

When his hips stuttered as he met his release, the spasms of his tip against your gummy walls sent you into a painful orgasm. You were spent and it seemed like he was too. Your fingers twitched over the crown of his head, wanting to run your fingers through his hair but too scared to initiate any contact with him. As if he could read your mind, he grabbed your hand and placed it on his head. You sighed and began carding through the tangles, gently undoing them. You felt a stream of tears running down your chest as you worked your fingers through his strands. Lifting his face gently, you met his teary gaze with your own.

“Don’t…” he drew in a shuddering breath, “ever lie to me like that again…” the monster behind his eyes stirred quietly, a malicious glint in his eye, before shifting back into your gentle boyfriend. 

“Never, I swear to you, baby…” he lets you lift his chin gently to meet your lips. His eyes close and he sighs into your kiss. His muscles relax and when his eyes open again, his warm, adoring expression falls over your face. The hand that wanted to choke the life out of your eyes minutes ago now caresses your jaw tenderly,

“I trust you…” his lips turn up into a grin that’s just a little too wide, “Because you’re a smart girl, aren’t you?” his top lip brushed against your still trembling bottom lip…

“Y-yes…”

You were fucked. This whole situation was fucked up and you weren’t blind to the fact. But as Tamaki nuzzled into your neck placing soft kisses and whispering praises into your skin, you let yourself bask in the gentleness of the moment…

Because you were a smart girl and smart girls learn their lessons quickly...