#i'll share a paragraph a day how about that (lying)

[risingsunresistance]

here, limbo post but im leaving it in python because i dont wanna fix up the odd spacing that is a result of me deciding to put all of this in python

[wanderingmind867]

People probably want to know how the last day of High School actually went, now that it happened. So let me try to break it down for everyone on here. And if this note if written well enough, i'll cut out this first paragraph and share it with my therapist.

So...the high school librarian let me sit in the library for an hour, after I explained to her that my exam was at 9:10. She was really nice about that. I promised her I'd be quiet, and I was. I read the book I brought to school, and I got up to page 41 or 42 before I had to stop and leave for my exam/exit interview/whatever. That went well too. I was really open with my teacher about my fears of college, and that helped me feel unburdened of stress.

But then stress came back. My dad was apparently taken downstairs by a security guard or something? I don't know, I wasn't there. But I ended up having to walk downstairs and meet him near the office. That led us to meet a few other teachers and get my graduation composite photos. In between some of this stuff, I had a freakout and a miniature meltdown. But I refused to leave school until my dad met my teachers.

Now...imagine it's 10 am. I've been at school an hour longer than I had to, panicking all the while. My dad finally convinces me to head back upstairs, and we catch my period 3 teacher just as her exams are ending. We get to talk to her. Then she helps us get to talk with my period 1 teacher. Then we saw another teacher who's been nice to me as we were heading down the stairs. So it's almost like fate was delivering for me, after an hour of stress. We then had to endure some bad heat as we waited for an uber to go home. But we were home by 11, and I was finally feeling sort of happy. Sad, but happy. Very confusing, but not altogether unpleasant.

Then my dad let me impulse buy two batman DVDs. It added up to 100 dollars, and I felt deep shame about buying it (because who knows when this hyperfixation will end?). But now we're gonna own two extra Batman DVDs, on top of the already large collection of DVDs we own. I think I've accumulated a collection, all on complete accident.

After that, we spent time together. We just had dinner a while ago (we eat dinner at 2 pm because of me, don't ask), and now i'm in my bedroom lying under the covers trying to relax. So yeah. That's been my dad today. Covering pretty much everything from sunup to now (3 pm).

[pigtailedgirl]

🗣️,📄and 📝please!

Hahahaha ok.

🗣️Talk about your favourite WIP

So truly it is that The Games by Quordle spin-off/continuation I'm writing like a poor girl's GRR Martin. I hit 20000 words and was so proud. Then stuck. I sit in the car and brainstorm scenes and cry to playlists. Then get home and get stuck lol. I get a paragraph or two in. I find something else missing and lose chunks.

I have never ever wrote a long piece of fanfic. I don't know what I'm doing. I love this idea to pieces and want to do justice to the original fic and and and...

This has encompassed my brain, this universe but for Fraser/Vecchio. I am too in love with the idea of them trapped in an alt dynamic, in their lives apart influencing and then meeting and then after original fic resolving if they can even to stay together, why the want and need never fades and is eternally them, and them being still them and still in love, but also warped horribly by having to survive a verse that is founded with rule and law that they still operate under, that they are still law officers in even if secret undercover, that says value of a person is dependant on class or ownership and sexual relationships are about using or tied to that. And then in a verse where they are the goddamn married couple and the unanswered undercurrent of how that works and what is that backstory well my brain is all let's explore them down to who runs the relationship and why and how.

📄What’s a WIP you never finished that you would like to go back and revisit?

It's too late but I once started a multi fic that was gonna cross-over Supernatural and Inuyasha. Or basically in season 3 with Dean on the hell-list, and the brothers hunting and hurting for a fix, they were gonna run into Kikyou. Who was long-story short explanation now in current era because Kagome and Inuyasha fucked up and didn't get rid of Naraku or the jewel with the final wish. Naraku ended up in present day. Inuyasha and team died in the past. Kagome died but not before a piece of her soul stayed so Kikyou could resurrect and come back hunting revenge part 2. Welcome to the modern era my girl. Kagome splintered the jewel again too. Across the world. And so Kikyou is avoiding Naraku and trying to gather it. And she was/is hunting Koga who has teamed up with werewolves in the states to make a pack. Who has lived through the eras miserable right. Who got back his jewel shards.

So she fights Koga. Almost loses. Decides she needs back-up. Bobby, Japanese nerd man, is her in and introduces her to Sam and Dean. Let's help each other. Get rid of my werewolves, I'll give you the secret to surviving death.

But like everyone is guarded. Dean doesn't want to be saved. Certainly not like how Kikyou is in surprise moment revealed to be living by still sucking souls. Don't they hunt monsters, not become them? And like yet her and Dean relate. Two people trying desperately to right things, were all about protecting and failed, and are/were both older siblings. Two people half-done in but can't quit the mission.

So they still finish the job and hunt Koga. Because living past prime or for nothing is Koga's deal and he doesn't get it's hell, he cant remake his pack or say turn Kikyou into Kagome, and it's a yay to put him out of misery end.

And it ends with her and Dean semi-agreeing, though Sam still can't accept, death is a freedom and peace. Hell is preferable to doomed life or loss, even if it's frightening. She couldn't make Dean like her anyway, she was always lying. And so she continues to wander to meet her fate. And him and Sam theirs.

Of course season 3 is long past, and Supernatural morphed into a different show. And I was trapped in how to tell this, aka bouncing POV and how they were all gonna talk to each other or if Kikyou was too bitch to learn english lol. So it's a dead idea.

📝Share a snippet of an unposted WIP, with or without context.

Charlie and Fraser scene. Kinda a big big decision point.

-- You seem to know what it is to lose and to want and I think you’d give as good as you got, but do you know what you’ve got? Do you know how to take what you want?”

He waited watching me. 

I thought of the horizon. Of Gerard somewhere out there in the snowfields. Of my father, moments before Drake had shot him trudging those same fields seeking his peace as he warred within himself. His private one, and the solitude he’d preferred, as he hadn’t said a word about his concerns or his dealings to me the last time we spoke, even when I felt it in the pauses and gaps. He hadn’t wanted my help.

And what about what I had wanted?

“Yes, I see. Thank you kindly.”

I turned back towards Commerce and the cabin. A search party found Gerard’s corpse, frozen in a crag, two days later.

[rdbrainz]

I just found you through some Bleach tags today and I love your art! Zanni is so cute, I love the jester vibes. Would you be willing to share some tidbits about Zanni? If not, I'm a big fan of Shinji. Do you have any hca about him and the rest of the Vizard crew?

Thanks!! Tbh rn I can't add much to what I've written about Zanni so far without telling about the other members of my arrancar troupe but I hope soon enough I'll bring myself to drawing them... Anyway I'm glad you loved him! It means a lot when my designs gain positive attention 🤧 Here's what I have for Shinji:

I think everything that happened with Aizen really took a great toll on him. Ofc Shinji is not the kind of person to show how he's really feeling and the only one he puts the blame on now is Sosuke but for the hundred years that he was in the world of the living every time it was raining he stayed in bed until late afternoon. Literally just lying and doing nothing with music in the background because he felt terrible. No matter how much he tried the rain really did bring the blues out of him and sometimes it had gotten so bad he felt physically ill. Probably because it had been raining a lot when they ended up in Karakura. This habit of his kinda returned once he was in the position of the captain again because he felt like he was not supposed to be there. For the first couple of months his higher-ranking officers had to do EVERYTHING for him on rainy days.

His love language is acts of service... when the person he likes is doing something for him of course. Sometimes he would literally whine so they would cook for him or something like that but he is very grateful if they give into this stupid game. He would snoop around to check on them and sometimes even sneak up on them to look over their shoulder and say something silly.

Speaking of love I think he's very good at unconsciously studying and remembering the habits of the other person. If they do the same and for example don't try to wake him up when it's very cloudy and just leave the tray with breakfast on the bedside table/floor for him to eat later then he's head over heels. It means a lot to him when people take him seriously at all times even though he does and says stupid things a lot.

The last two paragraphs may be the reason why he was very into Kensei at one point lmao

Others:

Kensei has always been very popular among both women and men. I mean look at this guy!! Though it's a source of a lot of stress for him because 1) "My eyes are up here... have some fucking respect" and 2) he's actually very old-fashioned when it comes to love and attraction. Casual flings because he happened to be attractive to someone is NOT his thing. What happened to courting your love interest and all that?..

Sometimes Rose would sing for others. It didn't happen a lot because he didn't exactly get much inspiration in the situation they were in and he knew for sure other vizards couldn't always be in the mood for some music. It was far too cramped and noisy already for something like that and Shinji had already taken the role of the person who was going to annoy everybody with noise. Once they returned to Gotei he hoped it would change but with the sheer amount of work that waited to be done it was deemed impossible. Too busy, too tired, too uninspired. Who sings just for themselves anyway? Though I think if someone asked he would be soo happy to play or sing something for them

Lisa knows EVERYTHING about other vizards. Sometimes she would pick up on things even faster than them. She's not being creepy about it ofc. Well... Usually. But if she thought it could help someone or herself she's gonna use it either for them or against them.

[armentas]

WIP Questionnaire

Thanks so much to @orphanheirs for tagging me; this looks so fun and I loved your answers. I'll be responding for my main WIP, Haven!

What's the first part of your WIP that you created?

Easily my characters. Heather has existed since I was 12 years old, and Beau and Erin have more or less existed since I was 6! I would just daydream about them getting into random situations to pass the time, really. I'd tried putting them in badly written middle school fantasy stories before realizing that coming of age was the most natural thing for them.

If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

Oh, I have a whole playlist for songs I'd want to be used! I honestly haven't decided on an intro song, but I definitely know the theme song and end credits song. I'd consider the theme to be Last Chance by CHPTRS, both the vibe and the lyrics are just too perfect. "This could be my last chance" is pretty much the whole thing behind Haven, AND the line of "hold me in the grip of your arms" becoming more and more desperate because of how much Heather misses her brother and wants to cherish this miracle of being with him again... I would be lying if I said that hadn't made me cry a few times. Though the lyrics are more depressing than I'd want for the end credits, for that category, I would still easily choose i have no sense of what home is by ativansocial. It feels like a childhood hug on a warm, dark summer night where things aren't okay, but they will be, which is exactly how I'd want the end to feel.

What are your favorite characters that you made? Why?

Oh, can I answer for multiples WIPs? Because Heather is definitely one, but I could easily go on about Celio and Charity too lol. For Heather, the top thing is she's just a really raw person who's easy to relate to, to the point it may even be uncomfortable for the reader sometimes. I think a good example of me trying to utilize this would be an excerpt I wrote where she's reliving the time she was 13ish, Beau was still in the hospital for his car accident, and no one was letting her go see him yet. There's a paragraph or two describing how she's jealous of him for his accident, thinking how she wishes she'd end up in the hospital so people would get her flowers, too. This is the kind of thing where we know it's not great to feel that way, but most of us have probably experienced something similar. We want our own traumas to be louder so they're "heard", and we may especially lack that understanding of other people's issues as children. And that's a big part of Heather's journey: gaining understanding. She doesn't always think or do or say good things, but you get what place she's coming from.

I've decided since that was a big paragraph, I won't get into my other characters, but anyone's free to lmk and I'll drop some info!

What other pieces of media do you think your fanbase would share?

My first thought is Omori since that was a big inspiration when this project was still new. This is also an obscure movie, but if anyone's watched the movie As You Are, I think they'd like both Haven and my other story, The Day You Left. Honestly, I don't consume enough media to say in too much detail. If you like your heart being ripped out, you'll probably like Haven.

What has been your biggest struggle with your WIP?

The plotting!! I always know character arcs first and then weave a plot around where I want people heading, but I've been out of inspo lately, I guess? Or just lazy about brainstorming. That's most likely. I know the most major story beat of Beau's accident but that's practically it, though there's probably potential behind giving Heather some extra new childhood experiences, and being decisive on stuff (aka trauma) for Erin. Not too much is going on with Erin at this moment.

Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

Unfortunately not! For some reason, despite being a mega animal lover irl, I've rarely been good at giving my characters pets. If they aren't directly relevant to plot or theme, I usually end up forgetting about them over and over until I decide to just scrap them. It wouldn't work for Heather and Beau anyways; I know for sure Heather's probably tried to bring an animal home, and Beau would've told her it's too much responsibility.

How do your characters travel/get around?

Heather does have her learner's permit, but she doesn't get that much use out of it before she's sent to her child self's body and can't reach the pedals lol. One of her big hobbies is rollerskating, so she mainly relies on that to get around during the story's events. Meanwhile, for Beau, he avoids driving himself anywhere since his accident, so he usually hitches a ride from Erin or someone else.

What part of your WIP are you working on right now?

That's a good question, actually. Kind of just anything and everything, but like I said for the other question, extra plot beats and fleshing out Erin are my main priorities. I know who Erin is, but I only have vague ideas of why she is the way she is. I also get really indecisive with how I want her to be influencing the story exactly (sometimes she's a Heather antagonist, sometimes she's a helper, sometimes she's both), so nailing down core stuff for her would also automatically nail down her role and make that easier.

What aspects (tropes, maybe?) do you think will draw your audience in?

Coming of age is usually pretty grounded in reality and maintains a fairly casual/upbeat vibe even when some not-so-great events happen (at least in my experience with it), so I think people will be curious about the more intense subject matter, how I personally answer difficult questions, and the surreal twist on the genre. I use the word surreal a lot because I wouldn't personally call Heather suddenly waking up in the past "fantasy"'? The narrative isn't about explaining how it works in the first place, it's just supposed to be...weird lol. I also always lean a lot on complex character development, so I'm hoping that, from the blurb, people will think "there should be interesting characters in a story like this" and read it for that.

What are your hopes for your WIP?

My biggest goal is to make it a fully operational interactive fiction game! The reader would be playing as Heather, putting both her and Beau's fates in their hands for that extra stress. The game could even include some art, too, but I'd have to see what feels right once I actually got started.

I could probably write more on that last paragraph but my sleep meds are kicking in lol! Tagging: @themboty @sidhewrites @lavender-laney @nrivanwrites and everyone that's interested!

[bedlamtoons]

TW: self-harm / suicide

I recently experienced my 3rd psychiatric hospitalization in 4 years and my first involuntary one. Well, partially involuntary. I wanna discuss this one for a couple reasons; firstly because it's the first one that's happened since I started this blog and second because it's the first one where I attempted to document my thoughts during my stay.

I started out with a wide-ruled notebook, but was later offered a pocket-sized college ruled one that I vastly preferred, so I copied everything I'd written up to that point including ripping out some of my doodles that were small enough to fit.

It started at noon on July 3rd. I had a scheduled therapy appointment during which I confessed to thoughts of self-harm. My therapist and my caseworker arranged for me to be transported to an emergency room and from there I would be taken to the first open bed they could find in a psychiatric institution. All of this I agreed to voluntarily.

I've censored the location and the doctor's name for privacy reasons. The "crying, slobbering fit" was so severe I was physically incapable of forming intelligible words. Every single time I write the name of a specific drug I spell it incorrectly because I was told the names out loud but not given anything with a label to read.

Some doodles I did post anxiety attack. I think that's the correct term for what happened. I'm still trying to find the appropriate terminology for whatever it is that's wrong with me.

I hope you're all prepared for many more 12 Monkeys references. Also just wanted to share the story of "Book Club Guy." There are several phrases I will never pronounce the same again thanks to him. He was discharged relatively quickly and I miss him every day.

The old man in question was barely capable of even standing and had apparently been in this hospital for close to a year. Incidents like the one described in the second paragraph happened more frequently as my stay went on as that particular patient grew more and more frustrated.

Also "Vitamin H" is a term for haldol that I heard somewhere once and I've been using it ever since.

At this point, my stay had boiled down to taking drugs and then sitting in front of the tv for hours. I felt that if that was all that was neccessary to keep me safe I could easily do that at home. I was told if I kept requesting to go home they would hold me involuntarily and so I pressed the issue really just to prove a point about how a "voluntary" status was bullshit. They essentially told me to put a pin in it and talk to the doctor again when he came back. Talks with the doctor rarely lasted more than a minute or two and I did not feel like waiting all night just to speak with someone for 60 seconds.

When the shift changed and the new nurses arrived I pressed the issue again and that's when they put me under the 96 hour hold. I requested a bible because I was bored and copied down a few verses that I liked. The hospital was a catholic institution so they had plenty of bibles lying around but only with the new testament and psalms. We also had prayers over the intercom every morning and night.

The thing that frustrated me most is that I was given very little time to talk to a professional of any kind. So one of the nurses offered to let me vent to them, which I did.

I was in the grip of another anxiety attack at the time. I was raising my voice, banging my head against the wall, pulling at my hair, etc. Me and the nurse were pacing back and forth down the hallway the whole time. At some point when I reached the end of the hallway, I turned around and a second nurse had arrived with syringe in hand and told me I needed something to calm me down.

We ended up compromising and just giving me a dose of clonazepam and sleeping in the quiet room so they could keep a closer eye on me, but I don't think I'll ever be able to fully trust nurses ever again.

If it wasn't obvious the book my parents had brought for me was Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas.

The last page or so was pretty all over the place. "The Corner Where You Can Hear God" was a corner where you could hear some type of machinery running 24/7 but only if you wedged yourself in with both shoulders against the wall. The patient who first pointed it out was half joking when he said it, but at some point I had taken to crawling into that corner to "pray." It brought some sort of comfort that I couldn't really explain.

Also fuck Wendy's and their stupid fucking ads.

I was released on July 11th at 11:52 am. As I was leaving the patient who had the outburst I wrote about on July 6th was melting down again. He insisted on leaving, and I quote, "TO-FUCKING-DAY!" He must have repeated that phrase at least a dozen times at the very top of his lungs. The image of him with half the nursing staff backed up against a wall, leaning further and further forward with each shout hasn't left my mind.

They insisted I not worry about it as they shoved me out the door.

As I write this now I don't really understand why I felt the need to write all this. I'm still not entirely sure what I've gained (or lost) from this experience.

As a child I was given a diagnosis that technically no longer exists. Our understanding of psychology changes every day. Our mental healthcare system doesn't.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told by a nurse that they just straight up don't know when one thing or another is supposed to happen. Nurses and patients alike are left hopelessly uninformed about decisions that affect the lives of countless people. If my 96 hour hold had ended on a weekend, I would have been forced to stay up to an additional 48 hours because hospitals can't be fucked to discharge people on weekends or holidays.

People who are less coherent than me, less capable of masking than me, less capable of controlling their emotions than me are trapped by the thousands in shoddy institutions run by emotionally disconnected bean counters kept alive by a dying backwater religion that steals billions from us every year.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

[kitakami-zorua-kin]

Ah don't worry, won't say anything to them unless needed, not sure if kieran and I are friends? I'm not good at labels, but I respect him, and yeah people seem a bit negatively biased not your fault though they can and will form their own opinions with or without you giving input you know?

Also regarding the apologising, there's really no need, if you ever do or say something that warrants that I will approach you and tell you, civilly, ok?

I agree on kyurem being awesome. wonder what it looked like in the past? I'll share another favorite of mine, Yveltal! or rather ever single Pokémon that's shunned or hated for the tales and legends about their behaviour or other Stigmata, I would love to be able to give those Pokémon a place of safety a sanctuary, they deserves a safe haven no matter who they are.

You care a lot about Kieran huh? Might wanna read the truth serum ask things and what I asked him about you, and in regards to making up, you have a chance there if you really wanna, would be kinda difficult but manageable, he cares but you already know that.

On you being half hearted about stuff that is actually kinda a cool thing like? You know stuff about a lot of things, not an expert but a jack of all traits, might come in handy some day.

Russet? You're a kind and caring person as far as I can tell, but you care too much sometimes, at least that's what it looks like, so much so that you forget about yourself while caring for others, take Kieran for example, this may seem paradoxical but if you want him to know you care for him? Care for yourself more, like take yourself seriously and put some work into your talents, he says you are talented, I can see why he says that, just take caring for yourself as serious as taking care of those you love and cherish? Do yourself that favour and if you can't do it for yourself then maybe for your siblings and your friends?

Now onto a lighter note, what's your favorite food and what one food you'd never eat under any circumstances, also a food you wanna try sometimes?

Oys

//I feel you on starrail, for me it's genshin kicking my butt but it's too hot to play, my room has nearly 35 degrees Celsius and it's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep gotta try though I have to get up at 6. Anyway help Russet is cute! I love how you roleplay him. Have a nice "what ever times of day or night it is at your place"!

Mhm, I get that... I'll - I'm working on the... not apologizing so much bit. It's... harder than you think. Between Sweetheart, Hiroki, Ange, Ange's friends, and Drayton, though, I think I'll manage! :D

!!! I completely agree! I've - I've got a big soft spot for Pokemon with poor reputations and stigmas - I like to think I would regardless of the Noivern blood. There's a lot of stigmas that are just downright unfair or wildly misleading takes on Pokemon behavior... I think I've talked Ange's ear off about it, at some point - well. heh. "talked" meaning I wrote... huge long ramble paragraphs and apparently they're interesting enough to read.

And - I... I saw those, yeah. He's... he's not entirely wrong. I... don't really know how to stop... lying, as he put it. I... Ha. Um. Little hard to talk about, honestly, but... I... use a lot of different... personas, I guess...? Around people. They're all me, just - um. Emphasizing and exaggerating different aspects so... so I seem like less of a threat or so people... like me more. if you're not a threat, if you're - lighthearted and silly, they'll say mean words, sure, but... but they won't attack you. It's all me, but... Distorted, a little. ugh. He means well, I know he does, just... ugh. It's... it's complicated.

... Jack of all trades, huh...? That... sounds like a nicer way to put it. Thanks. :)

Ah - um - I... I... i know. Gramps always said my heart was too big for my own good. I... can't seem to help myself. I just... Everyone around me is so... so bright, and brilliant, and just... made for the spotlight. I just want to support them as much as I can - ah, Sweetheart, c'mon, calm down- okay, okay, I'll reword it! I... I guess it's easier for me to see... everyone else's strengths...? It's... harder to see my own. I don't exactly see myself as particularly good at... anything, really. I... I'd like to see it, one day, though, what... what apparently other people see in me. I'm... I'm gonna try to take better care of myself...? I... I have friends who seem... determined to see me through that. So... I'm gonna try.

My favorite food is popsicles! They're fruity, they're cold, and you absolutely can't go wrong with them! Best of all worlds, especially when it's cold outside too! And they're good when it's hot outside!! Perfect food, all around! Hm... Honestly I can't think of anything I absolutely wouldn't eat...? I'll try anything once. Twice, even, if it didn't kill me the first time. ah - sorry Sweetheart, turn of phrase, I promise - not eating anything dangerous, calm down... Hm... I think I'd like to try some of the Kalosian food Ange talks about sometimes! There's not a lot of foreign stuff in Kitakami, and as much as I like BBA, the menu is usually set, and there's mostly Unovan food.

[satanicspinosaurus]

> “The next morning, Gale walks up to his shared office” 

Astarion. Stop being mean to the assistants! Give Octavia her own space so Gale can still offer to let her hang out, but like she gets a door. > "Ah! My favorite assistant!” Lying still, I see. (Probably not exactly, but still.) I love seeing how he’s still just a flatterer. Like in a paragraph with his quip about Gale’s sweater. (Is it honest, idk? But it’s certainly a pattern of behavoir.) > "Thank you for trusting me to bring her on board, she's a wonderful addition." 

Well, that answers that. 

>energy potions SNORT >Gale places his books on the desk softly, meanwhile Astarion places the cups down, picks up a book, and slams it on the table in front of her. Let Astarion be a bastard challenge: you win. >"I'M AWAKE! I'M HERE!!" Someone is a recent grad, lol. >"I'm sorry, I didn't know" Gale mouths to her, he hands her the coffee and begins to gather the room. My man, Gale. Always a sweetie. 

>”Please tell me you aren't one of those people who asks for the drink with the longest name just to feel important?" Gale ABSOLUTELY would be hyper specific about his coffee order. That is a man who knows how to read a lot, live in a tower and fixate. No way he hasn’t had a “coffee experiment” at one point and has strong opinions on what temp to heat which milk to. >Gale shoots him a suspicious glare, "What have you done now?

Gale has worked with Astarion for a while it seems. 

>"No offense, dearest Gale, I just don't want it leaving this office and we all know how you like to take work home." 

OK, so for one ‘dearest Gale’ is amazing. Two, it also seems Astarion has worked with Gale for a long time. >"Can't have that beautiful mind of yours working too much, you'll turn into Gale, and I feel like you're far too much fun for that, hmm?" I love how half the time we have Astarion start out by insulting our Tavs. The other part of the time, we have him insult Gale. 

>He's slightly taller than her, TALL QUEEN >She sees the vulpine expression start on his lips

Ohhhhh yes, that fits him well

>Live a little, dearest." His voice dripped with suggestive candor.

Someone should tell Astarion not to be flirty with Assistants this quick. Workplace harassment charges. (Personal thing for me, I get suspension of disbelief for the genre but it’s a bone I pick up often.) >"So he wants you to rest but he gives you another gargantuan responsibility to fulfill? I don't get that man sometimes."

He’s a man of contradictions kind of dumb sometimes like that, Gale. 

>The last of the visitors are filing out, their dull rumblings and soft murmurs keep her company for a moment.

Oh Satan, I love that

>"That's all in a day's work for me. Having to put on airs to impress people who wouldn't even give me a second glance had I not worked my way up to where I am now.”

You know, I really love that Astarion has maintained his sense of self this long. Lots of older vampires get bored with life, but he seems to have kept his hand in the game. Like yeah, the players change but people at their core often just want a pretty face to wine and dine them as they said. And yes, it’s often for things they didn’t even properly value. Like yeah, it is core, a smart person can get invitations like that for shockingly cheap but it’s the care that really pushes it over the top. He could lose himself in becoming rich or powerful, but I think that would be closer to him ascending in a way. Here he feels like he’s leveled up and we’ve just caught up with him later. >Black preferably.Of course.

>”Spend some of that graduation money you mentioned and get yourself something nice." Expense pay, dumb dumb. Although his later line about her deserving it does soften it a lot more me. Like, yeah people need help learning to care for themselves. Especially recent grads.

>Looks like I'll have to look for Gale at his place. Oh Satan I hope we get to see that. 

Memories of Us Chapter 4

Chapter list (1) (2) (3)

I have no clue what to even say, all the support, reblogs, and comments from everyone who has been reading this beautiful thing I've had in my daydreams has been pretty amazing. I can't thank you all enough 💕

Summary: Octavia has a little mess to clean up.

As always, thanks goes to my beta and best friend @micropoe10 . She's the driving force behind this idea because she kept telling me how good it was. So thanks, I owe you many lol.

Inspired by @cheesy-cryptid 's piece of fan art that buried itself in my brain and kept telling me what to write.

Chapter 4

"sleep til the sun burns out"

The next morning, Gale walks up to his shared office. Octavia should have already begun on the last of their tasks. At least a month of work finally coming to an end. They decided early on to share the office he had, after all one person doesn't need that much space to themselves. As he fumbles with the door, Astarion stops him. "Ah! My favorite assistant! Good morning Gale. I trust that you and our dear Octavia are prepared for the opening?"

Gale enthusiastically nods. The coffees he's got stacked on top of his pile of books are slightly shaking. He catches himself against the door and steadies the drinks, "Oh most definitely. Octavia has been staying after hours a few nights, at her insistence mind you, and she's incredible! She did at least three days of work in only half the time! I don't know what I would do without her at this point."

A small blush lands on his cheeks and he clears his throat. "Thank you for trusting me to bring her on board, she's a wonderful addition." Gale smiles awkwardly as Astarion gets in front of him and takes the cups. "Let me hold this for you before you wear this instead of your dashing sweater." Gale's shoulders fall a bit and he rolls his eyes.

They walk into the office to see a gigantic mess. Books, paperwork, pens, all matter of snack foods and energy potions surround Octavia and Gale's combined desks. "Octavia? Are you...?" Gale places his books on the desk softly, meanwhile Astarion places the cups down, picks up a book, and slams it on the table in front of her.

"I'M AWAKE! I'M HERE!!" Octavia springs up, a small note stuck to her cheek. She looks around bleary-eyed and rubs her face, as the room comes into focus, two faces come into view. Gale, and...OH SHIT. "MR. ANCUNIN! GOOD MORNING!!!"

She looks around and sees the mess left behind, quickly fixing her hair and ripping the note off her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't know" Gale mouths to her, he hands her the coffee and begins to gather the room. She puts her face in her arms and hides into the desktop. Thoroughly embarrassed, she lifts her head and looks at Astarion. "Good morning...sorry...I just really wanted to be done, and good news. It's done." She takes a lazy swig of her drink.

Astarion yawns and sips a bit from Gale's cup, coughing dramatically."Gods! How many sugars do you add to this?! This tastes absolutely vile!" He makes a disgusted face and places the cup back on the desk.

"Please tell me you aren't one of those people who asks for the drink with the longest name just to feel important?" He huffs, rolling his head to the side. "I'm not sure how to react to that." Octavia states, she looks down at the pile of papers Gale has already gathered.

She gets up to help, but Astarion stops her. "There's actually a reason I came by to see you both. Something that will pique both of your interests." Gale shoots him a suspicious glare, "What have you done now?" Astarion smiles and places down a well worn book, its black and red cover fraying like it's about to disintegrate if you sneeze in its direction.

"While I was away in the Underdark, I met with a lovely mind flayer and hobgoblin who had all kinds of interesting rare artifacts. One of which was this very book. They told me that this was procured during the siege on the Szarr estate, I'm hoping that it has more insight into our mysterious subject."

He slides the book over in between Octavia and Gale. "I'd love for the pair of you to tackle this long game Gale has played by himself. Octavia, your dedication to our last project surely landed you the task of caring for this book. Not a soul is to even breathe on it. That means you too, Gale."

He tilts his gaze over to Gale who scoffs a little at the notion that he can't read this book. "No offense, dearest Gale, I just don't want it leaving this office and we all know how you like to take work home." He pats Gale on the shoulder as he turns to leave the shared space.

"Also, one last thing. No more overnights, Octavia. You need your beauty rest, my darling. I've told you once before.." he leans in close to Octavia's left side and softly speaks near her ear "Can't have that beautiful mind of yours working too much, you'll turn into Gale, and I feel like you're far too much fun for that, hmm?"

She turns to him, their faces a few inches from each other. He's slightly taller than her, but in this closeness, he feels ten feet tall. His eyes hidden again behind pitch black lenses pierce through her, and the previous chill builds in her core, a shudder escapes her lips as the flush creeps onto her face. "Of course, sir, no more overnights."

She keeps her gaze on the glasses, her own eyes watching in return. She sees the vulpine expression start on his lips "Octavia, what have I told you about calling me 'sir'? We're in private chambers, not the atrium. Live a little, dearest." His voice dripped with suggestive candor.

Octavia on the other hand, was melting into the floor underneath her in return. She's never been around someone so well spoken, and it's pretty intimidating. "Of course....Astarion. I will go home tonight and sleep in my bed, not on my desk." She smiles timidly, back up at her as she looks towards him. "Wonderful, glad to hear it."

Astarion turns quickly on his heels, he must have somewhere to be. Octavia turns to Gale, an incredulous look on his face. "So he wants you to rest but he gives you another gargantuan responsibility to fulfill? I don't get that man sometimes." He shakes his head and keeps filing away paperwork.

—--------------------------------------------------

Later on, Octavia finalizes the displays and wanders back to her office. The last of the visitors are filing out, their dull rumblings and soft murmurs keep her company for a moment. As she turns the corner, mind elsewhere, she doesn't notice the person in front of her until it's too late.

The shock is like walking into a wall, her little pad falls to the floor and her forehead starts to feel warm. "You know, we really have to stop running into each other like this" there's a tiny sarcastic laugh behind the statement.

Astarion was standing in front of her and Gale's office holding two black envelopes adorned with silver writing. One for Gale and the other for her. "I meant to give this to you earlier. Before we got caught up in…all that…" he grimaces towards the office.

"Anyway, we're having a little party here for the board members, staff, beneficiaries, pretty much anyone who wants to have their name on a wing or a bench. I came to give you and Gale your invitations but you were both gone. Figured you actually listened to me for once." He shrugs loosely, picks up Octavia's notepad, and hands it back to her along with the envelope.

The black matte paper was smooth in her hands, her name embossed in silver leaf. She flips over the envelope and sees a silver wax seal with a Sharran symbol stamped in the middle. "Spared no expense, huh?" She remarks as she opens it.

"No, of course not. How do you think we pay for all the exhibits? We have to wine and dine these benevolent people to give us more gold to cover what I spent trying to convince other people to let me have their pretty little treasures they kept in dilapidated, crumbling, piles of rubble and bone for two hundred years." Astarion rambles sardonically, waving his hands as he rounds off. "That's all in a day's work for me. Having to put on airs to impress people who wouldn't even give me a second glance had I not worked my way up to where I am now. I've been one with the shadows for as long I can remember."

His voice lowers, a forlorn twinge to his words. "Having to sort through rushed, sloppy graves. You almost feel sorry for the corpses, I think I do. Hmm. Nevermind any of that. There's a dress code by the way. Black preferably. Spend some of that graduation money you mentioned and get yourself something nice."

He brushes some hair off Octavia's shoulder, his hand lingers there for a bit. She stares at his hand there and looks back at him, wide eyed. "You deserve it after all." He takes his hand off, placing both his arms behind his back. "Well I'm off. Looks like I'll have to look for Gale at his place. I'll see you there, dearest."

Tag list (thank you 🥹❤️, if you want to join, please let me know!) : @satanicspinosaurus @sleepy-timaeus @justporo

[merrrrrrrrry]

All the songs in which Harry Edward Styles and Louis William Tomlinson mention home/home furnishings/other related things

Also some special mentions in the tags especially for songs that have the themes of growing up together in the same place/growing old together 🥲

Some of these in my opinion are either not larry related/as 'serious' or don't follow the same imagery, those ones have been indented like this paragraph

Green for H, blue for L

(cannot believe my own gif showed up)

One Direction songs where both of them are credited are in orange. Perfect is the only song where they're both credited without any other 1d member

1. 5378 Miles [unreleased] : Holmes Chapel to Doncaster (55 miles) + Doncaster to LA (5323 miles)

2. Already Home [unreleased]

3. Something Great [Midnight Memories] : You say we're better off together in our bed

4. Where Do Broken Hearts Go [Four]: So I built you a house from a broken home

5. Stockholm Syndrome [Four] : I used the light to guide me home

6. If I Could Fly [Made In The A.M.] : If I could fly I'd be comin' right back home to you

7. Olivia [Made In The A.M.] : She's lying in bed with my t-shirt on

8. Meet Me In The Hallway [Harry Styles] : I just left your bedroom

Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door

Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor

9. Carolina [Harry Styles] : So far away, but she says I remind her of home Feeling oh so far from home

10. Two Ghosts [Harry Styles] : The fridge light washes this room white

11. Sweet Creature [Harry Styles] : And oh we started Two hearts in one home

We're running through the garden Oh, where nothing bothered us

Sweet creature, sweet creature Wherever I go, you bring me home Sweet creature, sweet creature When I run out of road, you bring me home

12. Only Angel [Harry Styles] : Broke a finger knocking on your bedroom door I got splinters in my knuckles crawling across the floor Couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short

End up meeting in the hallway every single time

When it turns out she's a devil in between the sheets

13. Kiwi [Harry Styles] : When she's alone, she goes home to a cactus

14. From The Dining Table [Harry Styles]

15. Falling [Fine Line] : I'm in my bed And you're not here

16. She [Fine Line]: And she sleeps in his bed (his bed)

17. Sunflower, Vol. 6 [Fine Line] : Kiss in the kitchen like it's a dance floor

Kids in the kitchen listen to dance hall

18. Canyon Moon [Fine Line] : I'll be gone too long from you Staring at the ceiling Two weeks and I'll be home

I'm going, oh I'm going home

1. Halfway Home [unreleased]

2. Midnight Memories [Midnight Memories] : A big house party with a crowded kitchen

3. Alive [Midnight Memories] : I met a girl, I took her up to the balcony

4. Ready To Run [Four] : Wherever you are is the place I belong

5. No Control [Four] : Sleep, where you lay

Waking up Beside you, I'm a loaded gun

6. Home [Perfect E.P.] : You'll never feel like you're alone I'll make this feel like home

7. End Of The Day [Made In The A.M.] : The roof was pretty windy

8. Kill My Mind [Walls] : Got a place on the other side of London

In New York under your bed in a box

9. We Made It [Walls] : Met you at your doorstep, remember how it tasted

Share a single bed and tell each other what we dream about

10. Too Young [Walls] : Face-to-face at the kitchen table

11. Walls [Walls] : And all that's left of us is a cupboard full of clothes

12. Habit [Walls] : That mentally you were already out the door

Come so far from Princess Park

13. Always You [Walls] : Walk through my door but it felt nothing like home 'Cause you're not home

14. Fearless [Walls] : That car on the drive

15. Defenceless [Walls] : We’re sleeping on our problems like we’ll solve them in our dreams We wake up early morning and they’re still under the sheets

16. Change [unreleased] : A trip down memory lane Houses all look the same There’s different names on the gates And all the people have changed

1. Still The One [Take Me Home] : And yeah, now I'm back at your door

2. Story Of My Life [Midnight Memories] : Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain

The story of my life, I take her home

Written on these walls are The colors that I can't change

3. Right Now [Midnight Memories] : I hear voices singing songs in the street and I know That we won't be going home

Just like how it used to be And we won't be going home

4. Fool's Gold [Four] : I'm like a crow on a wire You're the shining distraction that makes me fly Oh, home

5. Change Your Ticket [Four] : Come on let me change your ticket home

7. Perfect [Made In The A.M.] : I might never be the one you take home to mother

8. A.M. [Made in the A.M.] : You and me were raised in the same part of town Got these scars on the same ground

[s-brant]

Cherry Bowl (3/8)

(gif: @kiekiecarrera) (PART TWO) (PART FOUR) (SERIES MASTERLIST)

Summary: When Kie cancels their plans together, Y/N asks JJ on a date to the Cherry Bowl Drive-In. Unsure of how to navigate his first ever date, JJ seeks out advice. Unfortunately, the night doesn’t go as planned, and both parties are left shaken by miscommunication.

Word Count: 10.6k

Warnings: Smut, public sex/exhibitionism, sexual choking, angst, depictions of mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, and implied/referenced abuse.

A/N: Welcome back to Tokens! Slight trouble in paradise is brewing for these two lovers, so buckle up and read because it’s gonna be a rollercoster for a little while after what happens in this chapter. I hope you all like it, and if you did, feedback is very appreciated. Have fun!

"I'm just saying that oatmeal raisin is superior to chocolate chip, why is that such an egregious crime, Kie?"

The lunch room is filled to the brim with students going to town on questionably cooked frozen foods, soggy tater tots, and sugary drinks from the vending machines despite the Obama-era posters on the walls advocating for healthier school lunches that never seemed to make their way to Kildare County High. The extent of their healthy lunches extended to a serving of overcooked canned green beans served with the worst slice of doughy pizza known to human kind, so it was sort of contradictory.

Y/N sits across the table from Pope and JJ, the latter of which being the one who launched into a full-fledged debate with Kiara about which type of cookie was better.

The clear cling wrap sits, unfolded, on the table with one of her stickers neatly placed on the back of it. As consolation for his epic loss yesterday at the beach, she paid an extra .75 cents to get him it when she arrived first to their shared lunch period—one of only two class periods they have together, the other being gym. He was still in line when she peeled a surfboard sticker off of her sheet and placed it at the center of the wrapped up cookie as if to remind him of her triumph over him in the waves.

"Thanks, hot stuff," he said, voice somewhat quieter despite the fact that hardly anyone was in the cafeteria with them. Then his smile dropped into an deadpan expression as soon as he saw her choice of sticker and looked back up at her. "You're never gonna let me live that one down, are you?"

"Never in a million years. I'll be gloating about it until I'm elderly."

"That's my girl."

The sound of the constant chatter surrounding them from at least two hundred other people drowns out the memories of yesterday that threaten to haunt her when she watches him debate with Kie. The mere recollection of their night in the back of the van has her reaching to pull the collar of her cropped tee up to assure that the hickeys remain hidden on instinct, and he catches the action out of the corner of his eye. It has him fighting a smile.

Kie quips, "Maybe on another planet, but, here, I think we can all agree chocolate chip is better, right Y/N?"

Y/N's eyes widen around a forkful of mushy "green beans" at the sound of her name being said bringing her from the depths of her memories.

Usually, she's quick to jump in and give her two cents on whatever stupid back and forth they're all having, but her mind was elsewhere. Unbeknownst to Kie and Pope, she was mentally reliving every second of getting fucked in the van last night, so her attention to detail when it comes to the Chocolate Chip vs Oatmeal Raisin case isn't all too sharp.

"Uhhh," she stops for a second, looking at the half eaten chocolate chip cookie in Kie's hand, "If I say chocolate chip is better, can I get a piece of it?"

Kie's face lights up at her words, and she's already pulling off a generous chunk of the baked good to hand off to her. The sound of a certain someone whose lap Y/N's legs are outstretched onto from beneath the table scoffing distracts her from the first bite.

"I know you prefer oatmeal raisin, you traitor," JJ says.

Their brunette friend's brows scrunch.

"Why is she a traitor?"

They try to keep from making any faces or giving anything away, but Y/N has to stifle the sound of her choking on her mouthful of cookie at the question. You'd think one of them came out and asked if they were dating or something with how she reacts, and she feels JJ squeeze her ankle in a non-verbal way of telling her to hold it together. It was her idea in the first place, yet he's a lot smoother with keeping it under the radar.

Under it all, the aspect of keeping it a secret does unnerve him to a degree. He doesn't think he'd be brave enough to communicate it, especially not when their relationship remains undefined, but the darker side of his mind wonders...

He shrugs, saying, "Cause we were friends first. Duh. Other than John B, I've known her the longest."

None of them stop to acknowledge the identical aches in their hearts at the mentioning of his name. They skip right over it like it never happened. After the funeral a few days ago, they've filled their quota on mushy-gushy sad talk for the next week and a half.

The real reason is something far more complicated than him having a claim staked on her loyalty through having the longest friendship. It's something tied up in days of slowly getting pulled into one another's worlds like the tug of gravity itself, in how he has to refrain from slipping his arm around her waist in the hallway or kissing her goodbye after a sleepover at the Chateau. But until she gives him the go-ahead, he won't let it slip to anyone.

Pope speaks up from beside him, "You literally met her twenty minutes before we did."

"Still counts. Technically, I did meet her first, so her betraying Team Oatmeal Raisin is enough to be tried for treason in Pogue Court."

"Pogue Court isn't a thing."

He crosses his arms after he pops the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

"It is now. You can be tried for treason for breaking the rules. Rule number one is that all Pogues have to admit oatmeal raisin is superior."

He's about to ball up the cling wrap to throw away later when the surfboard sticker catches his attention again. It's the same color as his board, which he'd like to think is a result of her being an evil mastermind that went out to get this sticker sheet for the sole purpose of teasing him, but he's the one who got her the sheet as a gift for her birthday, so he knows it was pure coincidence.

Last second, he peels the sticker away from the cling wrap and looks down to place it over the top of her yellow converse that were once a vibrant, paler color when Big John got them for her, but have since turned into an ugly mustard/dirt-dusted color they heckle her over.

"What are the other rules?" Y/N asks.

One of the hands holding onto where her feet are casually planted in his lap, something that they've done long enough that their friends won't see it as anything odd, slides down to caress the stretch of skin beneath the frayed hem of her dark jeans. Something she didn't know about him before whatever it is they have together started was that he constantly needs to be touching her. She can't say she doesn't love it though.

Pope answers, "The oatmeal raisin rule is not official"—a pointed glance at JJ—"But I'd assume the rest of the rules of Pogue Court would be no lying and no macking."

"So, basically you two break almost every rule except the oatmeal raisin one, and I lie," JJ says and turns to look at her, "How does it feel to be better than everyone, Y/N?"

"Pretty good, not gonna lie."

He keeps caressing little circles and tracing up and down her skin beneath the flared out pant leg of her jeans while he swipes his phone off of the table top without attracting the attention of their friends, who continue on to a new topic. She isn't too focused on what it is. She only picks up that it has something to do with a class they're in that's more advanced that hers, so she promptly checks out of the conversation.

Ever since John B died, she hasn't been performing too well in school. She tries, truly tries, but her mind outright refuses to absorb any of the information. When she reads her assigned reading, she hovers over the same paragraphs over and over until she shuts the book in a huff and hides it in her backpack again. Losing someone you love has a surprising amount of side effects.

Her phone buzzing in her hand brings her away from the impending cloud of doom that often accompanies any thoughts of John B, and when she taps in her passcode, her brother's birthday, a message bubble appears with a banner displaying JJ's contact name.

JJ (Derogatory) ur a good liar. prob could've fooled me if i weren't the one macking on u

Their eyes meet for a second across the table, then he watches her thumbs move to type a response.

Kief Princess Little do they know I break every rule now that I've switched sides on the cookie debate. Kinda impressive ngl.

JJ (Derogatory) triple threat, baby

JJ (Derogatory) thanks for the cookie btw

She smiles to herself, so wrapped up in their own world that she doesn't notice everyone in the room starting to pack up their stuff in anticipation of the bell that is due to ring any second now.

Kief Princess Had to repay you for last night somehow ;)

When she glances up to see his reaction, she watches his chest rise with a particularly large inhale, and he chews on the inside of his lip in thought.

JJ (Derogatory) strategically bringing up last night so i'm turned on in physics? ur an evil mastermind

Kief Princess I try.

Kief Princess Apparently whooping your sorry ass at surfing isn't the only thing I'm good at.

She hears him scoff.

JJ (Derogatory) first of all, ouch. second, u barely beat me

Kief Princess I'm happy to challenge you to a rematch. I have plans with Kie tonight, so I can't till this weekend. All it'll prove is that I am the rightful winner, but we knew that already.

JJ (Derogatory) what r the stakes this time

Kief Princess No sexual favors. If you beat me (fat chance) I'll formally rejoin team oatmeal raisin.

JJ (Derogatory) :( sex makes it more fun but i still accept those conditions

JJ (Derogatory) team oatmeal raisin needs u, even if ur a traitor

Kief Princess Why bet sexual favors if you're just gonna fuck me after anyway?

JJ (Derogatory) good point

The sound of the bell ringing echoes through the cafeteria, and they both pop their heads up from their phone screens to see everyone, including Pope and Kie, already packed up and raising from their seats to scurry off in the direction of their next classes. Meanwhile, their stuff is all bestrewn across the table, particularly JJ's belongings.

The sight of Kie walking away makes Y/N ask after her, "We're still on for tonight, right?

She stops with Pope's hand interwoven in hers. The look on her face when she turns would make you think she got caught doing something she wasn't meant to. Something like forgetting about the plans they made last week to watch Fear Street together. The Cherry Bowl Drive-In is premiering the first two movies as a double feature for the horror movie buffs of Kildare, so they decided to get tickets. Kiara shares a fondness of horror movies with her. Since gory movies make the boys squirm, though JJ pretends they don't, it's their own thing.

"Actually, Pope and I were gonna go to the beach. I'm sorry."

JJ knows she's more upset about it than she lets on, but Y/N simply gives the pair a smile that doesn't reach the eyes.

The sound of JJ behind her makes them laugh on their way out, diffusing the minor tension lingering in the air from the awkward encounter, "Use protection!"

After their friends offer them a goodbye, they gather their stuff quite leisurely, not really caring about being late.

It's something they've talked about before here or there: her feelings surrounding Kiara and Pope's sudden relationship. It's not as if she harbors any ill feelings for them, she doesn't, but the ripple effects of their pairing on the group, and more importantly the girls' own friendship, couldn't be clearer from her perspective. Between the missed hangouts, forgotten plans, and the convenient way she never seems to have time to hang out with her and JJ unless Pope is there too, it's been building up for a month now.

What makes it sting the most is how close her and Kie used to be. They didn't hit it off immediately the way she and JJ did as children until her thirteenth birthday when no one she invited showed up to the party Big John helped her set up in the yard of the Chateau.

She was the one who rallied the boys together to walk to ask their school friends from the year above to come hang out for an hour or two, promising a slice of the wonky-looking but delicious strawberry cake her and John B spent the morning crafting together. She can remember the sound of their high-pitched laughs and the cloud of flour that hung in the kitchen when they high-fived over the finished product like it was yesterday. In her heart, it was yesterday.

That night was when she fell in love with her friends, and that was when she first knew Kiara was her best friend. They wove friendship bracelets on each other that night and wore them for years until they withered away. No one had ever done something like that for her before. Not even JJ.

"You okay?"

Feeling his hand on her arm, slipping down to take her hand for a moment in the seclusion of the empty cafeteria, makes her glance up at him with a distinct sorrow washed over her features.

You know what? Screw this. Why should she be torn up over Kie and let it ruin her excitement for the double feature tonight? There's no way in hell she's letting her best friend ditching her for her boyfriend get in the way of her plans.

"Do you wanna go on a date tonight?" she asks him abruptly, then adds, "To the Cherry Bowl with me instead of Kie?"

The question sparks a pause in his mind, a halt of hesitation in which he worries about her avoiding having to answer what he asked, but he attempts to play it cool and not fuss over her outwardly. There have been times where being treated like that has made her feel suffocated, so he doesn't want to risk it. When she's ready, she'll talk about it, and if she takes too long and buries her feelings, then he'll intervene. For now, he tries to keep his face neutral despite the frown tempting his lips at her disappointment.

JJ looks around once more before throwing his arm around her shoulder to walk her out.

"You bet your ass I do."

What is a person supposed to act like on their first date that's not actually a date cause everything between them is the same, but kinda is a date because they called it one? If you ever find out, please find JJ and tell him because he has no clue.

Pope wasn't too much help in the Instagram group chat he made for it seeing as his and Kie's relationship is too fresh, John B isn't even alive, so he's out of service for advice unless there's Ouija Board he can borrow, and, thankfully, Kiara was his savior.

Their phones began blowing up as soon as he reached his class after lunch period ended. He couldn't under any circumstances let it be known that this mystery girl he had a date with was their friend, but thankfully Y/N already had the alibi of going to the Drive-In alone. All he had to do was make up a fake date scenario and get basic advice.

danknugstickiestickies added kiara-c and popeheyward to the groupchat

danknugstickiestickies named the group HELP ME

danknugstickiestickies i have a date with this chick i met on the beach when i was out with y/n last week. i need ur advice

His phone screen lit up with the notification that both of his friends were typing, signified with the three dot symbol bouncing in the bottom left corner as he thought it through. They couldn't possibly figure it out, right? They'd been careful, he'd been respectful of her wishes, and they'd been too busy together to notice anything new with them. He figured it would work. It was a risk, sure, but it was worth it to him. He didn't want to fuck this up with her.

Knowing her, she probably wouldn’t even treat it differently than any of their other hang outs. It's not like they haven't been romantic or sexual with each other. They've done everything but go out on an actual date, so why was he nervous?

kiara-c ummmm

popeheyward Yeah, I'm gonna need you to ELABORATE!!

kiara-c did hell freeze over? since when does jj maybank go out on dates??

danknugstickiestickies renamed the group hell froze over

kiara-c very funny, I'm laughing so hard 😐

popeheyward Do we know her?

danknugstickiestickies don't think u do. she moved here last week and hasn't enrolled in school yet. her name's steph

popeheyward What about Y/N though?

kiara-c ^^

JJ's chest muscles tightened with the question prompting a rush of anxiety that made his breathing feel slightly harder. He glanced up at his Physics teacher, who was essentially dozing off behind his desk with his hand in a bag of chips and an educational video on the projector as an excuse to not teach, and looked back down at his phone without the added stress of possibly getting his phone confiscated.

Pope's message might as well have been a sucker punch. Forget butterflies, he set a wasp’s nest loose inside of his stomach to tie it into knots and flip it every which way. His neglected textbook served as a prop for his phone to lean on as he set it down to think.

Did they know? As far as he was aware, they were getting away with it. No evidence, concrete or circumstantial, was there to prove it. At least the stress of the situation killed any chance of him being turned on by her reminder of last night in their messages. This shit was boner repellant of the highest degree.

He played stupid. Better to let them volunteer whatever information they had before he went in saying anything incriminating that they didn't already know. If anything would sour the experience of their first date, it would be him accidentally making their strange in-between relationship public behind her back.

danknugstickiestickies ?? what do u mean

Three dots bounced in the bottom left corner of his slightly cracked phone screen.

popeheyward ...

kiara-c I mean, you don't see it?

danknugstickiestickies see what

popeheyward I guess we were wrong, but all of us always thought you two had some feelings going on.

"You don't say?" JJ murmured sarcastically to himself under his breath. "Never crossed my mind, Pope."

danknugstickiestickies bro that's jb's little sister

kiara-c so?

danknugstickiestickies forbidden fruit? making john b roll over in his grave? do those ring a bell or am i speaking in tongues

He was already a proficient liar in real life, but, fuck, it was easy in text messages. There's no chance at deciphering facial expression or tone, just a plain message with no room to budge. Thank God he didn't do this in person with them. He could've survived, but it wouldn't have been as quick and painless as the group chat was.

kiara-c jeez, sorry

Pope didn't voice it, but he noticed something.

He looked up from his phone and stared off at the wall in thought in his AP European History class. It piqued his interest that JJ simply said she was off limits, forbidden fruit as he put it, but did not outright deny having feelings for her. In fact, he didn't even address the question. He made excuses for why he shouldn't have feelings for her, but he never said he didn't have feelings for her.

Kie did not notice. Not because she wasn't smart enough to either, but because she was too busy hiding her phone behind her backpack to think too deeply about it. Her teacher was one of those teachers that would flip shit if they saw a cell phone turned off and faced down on the desk, let alone being used by a student during a lesson.

In his classroom across the hallway, JJ bounced his leg up and down beneath his desk in an absentminded urge to release the built up energy the anxiety produced in an over abundance.

popeheyward Our bad then. Even John B thought y'all were sus lmao.

Since when was that a known fact? Could he tell? Did he talk to Pope about him and Y/N before he died? Either way, it wasn't the time to pry about it.

kiara-c yeah you guys honestly could've fooled me if you wanted to

danknugstickiestickies well thank u, glad ur invested in our friendship but

danknugstickiestickies please help, i have no fucking clue how to act on a date and this girl is too cool for me to screw this up

That was when they finally dropped the interrogation session and started offering up tips. The best ones came from Kie, which made sense to him since women are more likely to know what other women like than two dudes who share one collective brain cell and never had real relationships.

Rule One: Be ready to pick her up five minutes early.

He wasn't ready to pick her up five minutes early. His bike broke down by the time he made it halfway down his street, so he had to push it back up the road and into the yard before setting off on foot to reach the Chateau quickly enough. And by quickly enough, it means he got there five minutes late, not early.

Rule Two: Compliment her after you get in the car.

She tossed him the keys to the Twinkie from across the hood, not giving him the chance to open the door for her, and it wasn't until they were setting off down the road that he remembered the next piece of advice he was given.

Side-eyeing her in his peripheral vision, he tried to find something to compliment her on specifically rather than the general compliments about her being pretty that she never fully believes when he says them. He was intending to say something about the skirt she had on, but when he chanced a glance over at her, she caught him and asked—

"What is it?"

Sent into panic mode, JJ blurted out instead, "I like your shoes."

He could've bashed his face against the steering wheel twenty times right then and there at the utter absence of reaction on her part for the next few uncomfortable seconds. It wasn't that it was a bad compliment. She appreciates any compliments at all...but her shoes were hidden from his view. Not to mention, they were the dirty, mustard yellow converse that the Pogues bash on a daily basis.

She laughed, lifting her leg to expose the sneaker on her right foot, and asked, "These? Dude, you roast me for these all the time. You and John B said they look like Big Bird shit on them."

The skin on the apples of his cheeks scorched hot with embarrassment, and he was never so glad that the overhead lights in the van were burnt out until that moment. He would've died on the spot if she saw him blush like that, face flushed pinker than sunburn. All he could do to save himself was murmur something about the color growing on him and keep driving in the direction of the theater with his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel he fantasized about banging his face into.

Rule Three: Insist on picking up the check.

In this case, it meant insist on buying the popcorn and drinks, and he miraculously managed to drop his wallet somewhere along the way when he ran over to the Chateau, so when he stepped up to the makeshift concession stand with her standing at his side, he felt around for his wallet in his jeans to no avail.

His thoughts echoed back to him, You gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously? Is this actually happening right now?

"JJ, it's honestly fine," she said softly as he leaned over to search back of the Twinkie for the wallet. "We can look for it on your street right now if you want. It has your ID and stuff, you don't want a stranger to have that. We don't need to stay—"

It took all of his control to not shout it in reaction when he said, "No way. You've been waiting for this, and Kie ditched you, so I ain't ditching you too. We're staying."

His wallet could go kick rocks.

He came too far to be dragged down by the old leathery piece of shit anyway. Would he go out and search for it tirelessly the second the date ended? Hell yeah, that fucker had twenty dollars and his debit card in it, but he couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her or ruining her anticipated movie night by taking her out to search the streets with their phone flashlights for a wallet they might not find. He'd wait till the movies ended, take her home, then haul ass around the Cut searching for it after.

Thankfully, he found a couple bucks crumbled up in his front pocket while she scavenged for coins in the glove compartment, and they came up with enough to buy a water bottle and small popcorn to share together.

Rule Four: Don't have sex on the first date.

And it may sound easy enough to not act like a complete Neanderthal for the length of two movies, but the girl makes it pretty damn difficult if he's to say so himself.

That's what led him here, laying in the back of the sideways-parked Twinkie in the farthest corner of the outdoor theater with her practically on top of him. In any other instance, he wouldn't be opposed in the slightest, but with the cursed fourth rule in mind, he isn't too thrilled with the feeling of her hand rubbing up and down his thigh.

It isn't even meant to be sexual. They're constantly touching one another this way. She'll even slip her hands up under his shirt just to feel the warmth of his skin or when he asks her if she can get an itch on a part of his back he can't reach, but for some reason his brain is short circuiting right now.

The thing is, when Kie and Pope said he shouldn't do it on the first date, they meant it for his and Steph's made up circumstances, not his and Y/N's full-blown relationship without labels. When you've had sex with someone as many times as they have with each other, the hesitancy on the "first date" is nonexistent. It doesn't matter. But JJ, trying to follow the advice given to him to the letter for the sake of being the date she deserves, doesn't think about it that way.

It shouldn't be this nerve-wracking. They've been best friends since they were children, they've been flirting since they found out what basic attraction was in the first place, and they've been forming this relationship ever since John B died. Why can't he relax? Why is this so different compared to how easy it felt between them yesterday on the beach or today at lunch?

Rule Five: Be yourself.

It takes him another few moments of laying here with her before he realizes quite abruptly what went wrong in a quick flash of a thought that brings the fifth rule back to him. The problem wasn't the bike, or the weird compliment about her Big Bird sneakers, or the lost wallet.

The problem is him. The problem is that he's trying way too hard to make this something it isn't. The part about them that he adores so dearly is how they never have to try when they're together. With any other girl or guy, they'd have to fake something or act a certain way, yet when they're together, they can simply exist and everything is runs smoothly. That's not to say they don't disagree or bump heads, they do, but short of those outlier moments, it's easier than anything else they do in life.

His eyes flicker away from the screen for the first time since the movie began, which, by the way, is gruesome enough at times that he had to divert his eyes to prevent himself from seeing it happen. They land on where she lays, completely content with the night in spite of its mishaps, with her head propped up on the pillows they brought from the Chateau.

He wonders if she can tell he's acting differently. Surely she must notice. She's the type of person that typically never misses a thing, perfect for the gold hunt they went on in the summer with picking up the clues and helping her brother unravel the mystery, so maybe she noticed how flustered this date has him. Does it bother her? Does he bother her?

With a confirming glance back up at the movie to see nothing important happening, he can't fight the urge to speak anymore.

"Can I tell you something?"

His voice appearing through the darkness of the shut off van after spending the past half hour in complete silence makes her jolt at first before realizing who it was. Though she loves horror movies, she can't claim to not be affected by them. The night she falls asleep after watching one, she often finds herself compelled to turn a light on and keep her feet from dangling off the edge of the bed. It's worth the fear, though.

When she turns to look at JJ, there's a warm smile on her face. She's cuddled into his side with a hand placed casually atop his thigh, caressing with no purpose or intent, and her movement halts when the light from the movie on the projector allows her to see the expression on his face.

Anxiety has become an increasingly significant presence in his life with the recent events in mind; John B and Sarah, the four-hundred million dollars they lost out on, and dodging his father whenever he sneaks home to switch out the backpack of clothes and personal belongings he keeps at the Routledge house.

It manifests itself in jittery nerves, stomach pains, shortness of breath, and, at worst, panic attacks striking either at random or in response to a specific trigger. It's one of the few things he still tries to hide from her, and she tries not to push him too hard with opening up about it.

She abandons the movie for the time being and rolls onto her side to face him, upper body propped up on her elbow as she examines his face with downturned features.

"Of course," she says.

The words left unsaid are, "You can tell me anything. Whenever you need someone to listen, or to talk to about shit, you can tell me." He's heard her say it enough that he doesn't need to hear it now to know it's true.

There's a pause, then—

"I feel like I fucked this entire date up," he starts to ramble and cuts her off before she can think about saying what she wants to, "and I know it's okay to you. You have way too high of a tolerance for my bullshit, and I've been trying so hard to make this perfect, but all that did was screw it up."

She's left quiet for a second, taking it all in.

Maybe if he hadn't been so anxious about it, he would've realized what was wrong with his bike when he rode it home from school, or he would've noticed his wallet fall out of his pocket. The point is, he wishes he hadn't let the label attached to this freak him out so much. He isn't sure why it does, but it does.

But she doesn't do what he expects. She isn't drowning him in reassurances and, "It's okay's" because she knows he doesn't care for them much. When he, the most stubborn person she knows, apologizes for something he did, he doesn't want it to turn into the person accepting the apology coddling him.

Y/N sighs.

"Is that why you've been acting so different all night? I scared you with the whole ‘date’ thing, didn't I? It doesn't have to be a date if you don't want it to be."

What she doesn't know is that he wants it to be a date. He wants it to be a date so badly, he risked Pope and Kie finding them out for the sake of getting some proper advice on it, and now he's caught up in the same game of tug and war in his mind that always occurs when he wants to tell her the truth about his feelings for her.

Part of him doesn't understand why he doesn't outright say it. With every other girl he once showed interest in, he had no issues in letting them know he wanted them, but this is different. This isn't simply wanting someone, he thinks he's fallen for her. But whenever he says he's gonna grow a pair and tell her after all this time, he chokes. Involuntarily, he's reminded of his parents. Other than his friends saying it platonically, the only people to tell him they loved him were them, and with how they treated him, he sure as hell doesn't think that is love.

From his dad's brutal physical abuse to his mom's abandonment, he's too timid to tell her he loves her because of what could happen if she loves him back. Everyone else that has said that to him has either hurt him, died like John B did, or abandoned him.

He won't let that happen with him and Y/N. What they have, albeit undefined and codependent, is safe. It's the only thing he has left. Maybe it isn't right, and maybe he should open up about it to communicate the correct way, but somewhere in the misshapen logic of his mind, he correlates love to abandonment. And he doesn't want that to happen with her.

There are two sides of him at battle inside his mind. One side, the side that wants to do right by their relationship and actually communicate his feelings for once in his life, wants him to tell her everything. The other side, the side that responds based on the history of his past, wants him to hide it all.

"Will you be mad at me if we don't call it a date?" he asks.

She shakes her head.

The heavy sensation inside of JJ's chest nears a point of vitriolic violence against him as he starts to realize what he's doing to her, clearly letting her down, but he can't stop himself. Like a passive witness watching himself from outside of his body, the instantaneous trauma response to the sudden confrontation of his true feelings for her guides his actions without his permission. It shuts down any protest he has.

The sound of the movie fills the gap of silence between them the entire time. It’s a variety of bloodcurdling screams and disgusting sounds that would've made him gag if he weren't as distracted.

They can make out each other's faces through the darkness, but barely. It takes a flash of bright color from the film or a nearby car's lights turning on for them to fully see one another. Without the other knowing, they both put masks of calm and collected coolness on their faces despite the feelings raging beneath the surface—more so on his part than hers.

"Maybe," he says, pausing, "we should just keep things the way they've been."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, a soul-crushing amount of disappointment weighs her down. She said it was fine if he doesn't want it to be a date—and it is, she would never hold it against him—but that doesn't mean it can't hurt her. Things have been going so well, she almost thought...If tonight went well, she was thinking about no longer keeping it a secret, but if he said he wants things to stay the same, then maybe he isn't as ready for it as she is?

Meanwhile, JJ is on another page entirely.

She's embarrassed of being with you, a familiar voice in the back of his head croons. She's gonna leave just like everyone else does. If she doesn't even wanna tell your friends, why should you pretend you're dating?

The internal comments are the type that cause him to physically grimace when he's alone. Intrusive thoughts are just that: intrusive.

Sneaking into the guarded sanctuary of a person's mind, they set out to convince them the opposite of their reality. The only thing is, where most people's minds are guarded sanctuaries with walls of impregnable defense, his mind is the equivalent of a fortress blown to smithereens. The castle walls lay in rubble, the guards no where to be seen, and the path for these thoughts to slip past and straight to the vulnerability of his mind is left wide open.

In the privacy of his room, these thoughts attack him the most at night when he tries to fall asleep—when things get too quiet. With nobody around, when they get this bad there's nothing he can do except break down. It builds from the mere anxiety of attempting to force the thoughts away to full-blown panic attack mode. The more he resists them, the more aggressive they become. He'll gasp for air with tears streaming down his face, hitting his head with the heel of his hand as if that'd do something to stop his relentless mind.

But he can't afford to react in front of her, so the extent of his reaction is a subtle twitch of his face that she cannot see in the momentary darkness before the movie switches to another scene a second later. In a way, it does make the thoughts go away to have her here preventing him from spiraling alone. Having to focus on her keeps his mind away for moments at a time until the thoughts ease their grip on him.

When she hasn't answered for a while, he asks, terrified that he did something bad, "Are we good?"

The question seems to wake her up, snapping her out of the lonely direction her thoughts went into when he "rejected" her. It takes every bit of common sense she has left to force herself to understand that this doesn't mean he doesn't want her. He does, and not calling this a date doesn't mean they won't be together in the way they have been since John B's death, but she isn't perfect. She gets as unsure and insecure as he does.

As if the cloud of doom was lifted off of her, she makes her face lighten where she lays on her side next to him. Seeing this expression makes his chest feel less heavy, and he could let out a sigh of relief at the realization that he didn't break her heart and stomp on it. He should've known. Y/N is the sweetest person he knows, so she never would've flipped shit over him not wanting to label this as a date. That's not how she is.

And he's partly right. It isn't how she is. She would never hold it against him if he didn't want something further with her since she got herself into this position by pursuing him with his reputation with girls in mind, but she can't ignore it. Whether she wants it to or not, it had its affect on her as soon as he said it.

She leans in to kiss him, their lips meeting in the middle with the faint taste of popcorn salt mingling at the soft peck.

When she pulls away, she brushes the hair back from his face and says, "Don't worry. Nothing can change how I feel about you."

She has no clue what it feels like to hear that from her.

Despite the turmoil they unknowingly share beneath the surface due to this conversation, he could cry hearing her say it. It doesn't feel real to him that she feels the same way he does about her, because nothing could change how he feels about her either. That’s why he manages to work up the courage to repeat it back to her, and, for now, this is the closest he's physically capable of coming to telling her the truth.

"Ditto," he says.

It isn't what she wanted, but it's close enough, and if she dwells on this any longer, she might start getting too emotional and let the urge to tear up become too strong. Why does she have to be this sensitive? It's no secret that it's remarkably easy to make her cry, but this is insane to her. When all of this began with him, she didn't give a shit about him not wanting a label. She understood him, and she understood that he doesn't do this kind of thing, so why has it changed? Why doesn't she want to keep it a secret anymore? Why does she want this to be a date when she knows he doesn't want it to be?

Pulled by an invisible string back to him to silence her mind, she leans in to kiss him again with a hand cupping the back of his neck to guide him the rest of the way to her.

It shouldn't be laced with any sexual intention. She should be kissing him simply because she wants to, and, in a way, she is. Their kisses and touches are never lacking the motivation that is their underlying connection and mutual feelings for one another, but this is not the same. As he kisses her back with as much confidence and passion as always, she is reeling from the conversation that reminded her too much of a breakup.

It takes another minute of this for the kiss to heat up, their breathing becoming shallower in the moments they part to inhale, and she is undeniably the one instigating when she officially crosses the line between casual and sexual by crawling onto his lap. It's not hard for him to pick up on when their innocent moments take a turn. She's easy to read in that regard, and this has happened a multitude of times with them, so the shift of a mini make out session turning into something more is nothing out of the ordinary for them.

If he knew how shaken she is on the inside, he'd never want this. And the same would go for her if she knew what he was thinking before this. Neither of them wants to admit what they're feeling.

With her legs seated on either side of his hips, she kisses him like it's the last time she'll ever get the opportunity to. Her hands wander wherever they can, pulling at his shirt and feeling him up as his hands guide her hips to move against his in a steady grinding that she has no issue partaking in. It's an eagerness he hasn't seen from her in weeks. She's never un-excited when it comes to being physical with him either, but this is another level. The last time a girl was all over him like this, it was desperate touron at a party a few months ago.

In the span of time it takes her to glance over her shoulder to see if anyone could see them and reach to pull her skirt up until it bunches around her hips—no one can see them, by the way, since they got here late and were forced to cram the van into the back corner of the lot with no street lights illuminating the path—his brows raise at her presumptuous behavior. Not that he's one to complain, however, seeing as he's typically the one doing what she is.

Their next kiss clashes their teeth hard enough to make them wince, but he loves it. It makes him smirk into her parted mouth, alive with both the feeling her reassurance provided and the fuzzy-headed high that often finds him when they're together in this way. Incomparable to past flings or the high related to any drugs, she is the peak of everything to him. It's no contest.

His chest stutters against hers with a bout of amused laughter, asking within a brief pause in what feels like the most JJ thing he's said this awkward night, "Two for two in the Twinkie. What's gotten into you?"

Y/N's hand dips between where their bodies move together to unclasp the closed buckle of his belt in one smooth motion that has it falling apart with a clinking noise.

Her features are set with a look that tells him she means business. Whatever it is that sparked this, he wonders how the fuck to make it happen again another time. She's begged for it before, but never taken control so dominantly, and he can't deny what the role reversal does to him. The evidence is obvious in the distinct hardness she feels pressing up against the hand undoing his jeans.

"I was hoping it'd be you," she says, voice breathless and airy from the constant contact in a way that makes it ten times hotter for him.

If there were any chance of him not being in the mood prior to this, which wasn't the case anyway, it's gone now. He never wants to hear her say she doesn't deliberately try to tease him ever again.

He doesn't need to be told twice.

JJ surges forward to capture her mouth with his, this time with no intention of pulling away to breathe or speak again. No, he'll let himself get lightheaded and dizzy if it means he can stay with her for as long as possible.

With the circumstances of it all, them being visible to someone if they happened to pass by the open door of the van, they move at a pace quicker than usual. She's immediately helping him shimmy his jeans and underwear far enough down his hips to free his dick from the confines of his clothes, making him sigh out a breath of relief when her hand brushes against him in the process.

There's no opportunity to slow down, it has exploded into a full-throttle speed race that neither of them can halt.

His hand blindly flies out beside him to grope the floor of the van for the set of keys he tossed carelessly to the side once the movie started, eyes shut in the midst of the hot, messy kiss they share. His fingers find the fabric of one of the blankets they brought in case they got cold, then drifts again and lands on her Big Bird sneakers until he feels the sharp metal of her keys meet his calloused palm.

After the events of last summer, she bought a switch blade to keep on her key ring alongside the keys to the van, HMS Pogue, and Chateau. She may not like violence or weapons, seeing as she was a skeptic of JJ keeping the gun alongside her friends, but she saw it necessary. Between Rafe, Topper, and Kelce, how could she leave the safety of her and her friends up to chance knowing what some of the kooks did to them not long ago? What happened to Pope on the golf course alone was enough to make her skin crawl.

Right now, though, the knife flips out from the pressure of his thumb pushing the button to release it. He holds it out away from her at first to assure it doesn't nick her in the process, then uses his other hand to tug the side of her panties that hugs her hip far out enough to press the sharp side of the blade onto the inside of it.

She can hardly believe what she's watching as JJ cuts the delicate maroon underthings from her body as if he were doing something so normal, like it's something he's done before. Her forehead is pressed against his, her mouth parted both in shock and in a need to pant for oxygen, and she watches the knife ruin her favorite panties. The stitches come apart with a satisfying ripping noise that can hardly be heard over the sound of people reacting to the movie in the background.

Other customers of the Cherry Bowl Drive-In are too glued to the screen as a beloved character is chased down, reacting in shouts when she's seized by the killer and shoved onto the table of an industrial bread slicer, so they remain wholly unnoticed.

The lace, now ripped in half, dangles on the tip of the knife when he lifts it away from her, tosses it aside, and presses the button once more to retract the blade. It clatters to the floor, but is in no way forgotten with them resuming in a desperation to keep going until they both satisfy the need clawing at them from the inside. But her sense of need is different from his, and even with the fresh memory of him with the switch blade in mind, she's still somewhere else the whole time.

Her mind is faraway, muted through layers of sadness, anger, and disappointment as he reaches between them to line himself up to her entrance. The sensation of him running his cock, hard and messy with a few drops of precome, through her dripping pussy to coat it in her slick arousal is enough to make her moan pathetically. Yet when he's about to guide himself inside of her, she stops him.

"Wait, wait, wait," she breathes out rapidly, heart pounding so hard she can feel herself pulsating between her thighs, "Condom."

They were so antsy to get to it, they almost forgot.

"Fuck," he curses under his breath, and his eyes flicker from where they were trained between their bodies to glance back and forth around the van before it hits him. "I lost my wallet..."

But right when he thinks their public rendezvous in the back of the Drive-In is over due to his unfortunate mistake, she shakes her head and slips away from her perch astride his lap to crawl over to her bag.

She fumbles with the old tote bag and plunges her arm in to sift through the hodge podge of things that are purely Y/N in nature—stickers, glitter pens, a half-eaten bag of candy, etc—for the square foil package she decided to toss in before she left just in case. She usually doesn't keep them on her because he never fails to have one, but, thankfully, she had the random instinct to bring it tonight.

The only thing to bring her out of her cloudy, malevolent storm of feelings when she settles back onto his lap with the condom wrapper ripped open for him is him saying, "So you planned this, huh?" with his mouth tipped in a familiar self-satisfied grin.

She didn't plan it. In fact, she threw herself at him the second she sensed him withdrawing from her and can't stop herself despite the fact that she constantly feels two seconds away from letting a tear slip down her cheek. If that counts as "planning it", then sure.

"Maybe so," she answers, cool, calm, and collected—the antithesis of the truth.

They usually don't lie to each other.

They're thrown right back into it without any other hiccups once he rolls the condom on, and he takes in a shaky breath at her hand wrapping around him to align their bodies up. Before she can do anything, though, he takes chance to swipe the blanket he found a moment ago and wrap it around her back to keep her covered in case they get caught.

Y/N sinks down onto his cock with her lip caught between her teeth to stifle the sound that threatens to escape. JJ, on the other hand, doesn't bother concealing the sound of the groan he makes at the sensation of having her wrapped around him like this. The tension in her entire body from the anticipation and the looming threat of being seen by someone has her squeezing him so tightly, he can't help but be a little louder than he should.

Her soft palm slaps over his mouth with enough pressure to force his groan to quiet itself, and she watches his pretty blue eyes widen in reaction to the dominant action. Who is this girl and what has she done with his sweet, submissive Y/N? Don't get him wrong, he is very turned on by it, but it's unlike her to take the lead this way. He can't figure it out.

"What's wrong, angel?" she asks in a whisper into his ear, her hand over his mouth and her hips starting to slowly rock against him, "Watch the movie."

Once the words leave her mouth, she drops her hand, just in case he wants to stop and can't say anything because she had his mouth covered, and JJ is pretty sure he's died and gone to heaven.

He doesn't watch the movie, not at all, because he's too busy watching her. For someone losing their mind internally, she does not let it show, nor does she let it distract her from what's happening. If anything, the distraction in this situation is the sex, not what's going on inside of her head.

There's a moment of adjustment and going as slowly and gently as possible while waiting for the dull pressure of feeling him inside of her to fade away, but, for the most part, she doesn't waste any time. As soon as she feels comfortable enough with the ache between her thighs giving way to a spark of pleasure when she grinds her clit down on his pubic bone, she starts to ride him at a better pace than the initial slow movements of her hips.

She raises herself up and takes him again inch by inch, enjoying the sense of fullness she gets from having to fit him in spite of the slight discomfort at first, and she could swear that he'll leave bruises in the shape of his handprints with how tightly he clutches her hips. It's all he can do to prevent himself from moaning or saying something, ever the vocal lover she's come to know.

Unless his mouth is preoccupied like it was on the beach yesterday afternoon, JJ is usually impossible to shut up, especially in this context. With him always whispering dirty things to her, whether it be praises, pet names, or plans on what he wants to do to her, she has come to find it breathtakingly hot. He could likely get away with saying something if he wanted to, but he isn't sure he wants to risk it. If he opens his mouth to spew something filthy to her, he won't trust himself not to make a louder, different kind of noise that won't fit in the with background audio the other moviegoers are listening to.

The wet sound of their bodies colliding that fills the space of the van is drowned out by the loud and violent sequence occurring on the screen far ahead of them, and hearing it makes her bounce herself on him a little harder. She's fueled on by it all, and, strangely, what happened before she practically pounced on him is the main contributor.

Similarly to the nature of his intrusive thoughts, the harder she resists the memory of how it felt when he told her he didn't want this to be a date, the more forceful it is in its return. Her eyes trail down to watch where they connect with her forehead pressed to his, then she's thrown back into the feeling of helpless disappointment and insecurity. His head tips back against the window with his bottom lip dropped open and his brows furrowed just enough to create a crease on his forehead, and she's bombarded with the look of relief on his face when he realized he didn't have to be tied down to her with a label.

It makes her want to get rougher, harder, and she doesn't even care if it'll make her sore later on. She presses herself down so far every time she slides down on his cock, her teeth draw blood on her lip with how hard she must bite it to remain quiet. The pain of her hipbones rubbing against his doesn't even matter to either of them at this point. They're both too lost in the pleasure that has begun to take control of them to care about something as minuscule as that, or the burn in her thighs from the repetitive physical strain.

She grabs his wrist and brings his hand between them, flattening hers overtop of it and pressing down on the base of her abdomen in the midst of the increasingly feverish thrusts.

"Feel you here," she murmurs to him through a quiet moan, hoping he can hear it over the movie, and pushes down on his hand for emphasis. And if the way he reacts by cursing under his breath tells her anything, it's that he picked up on it. "JJ..."

He reaches out to grab her by the throat with his free hand and tug her forward to kiss him, as if something inside of him snapped in response to her doing that. The motions of her jolting up and down throws the already messy and uncoordinated kiss off-kilter, but they don't mind. It has them separating every time she lifts up, producing this heady little head rush from from them breathing in each other's air without actually letting their mouths meet in the middle.

Though they're trying their hardest not to alert anyone outside of what's happening, it didn't occur to him until now, when his eyes catch John B's old bandana swinging back and forth where it's secured around the rear view mirror.

They're worried about moaning while the entire fucking Twinkie is rocking with their movements. Well, at least it makes good use of the corny sticker he gifted John B last year as a gag gift. He tried to peel it off after JJ snuck it onto the side window to no avail. So, now Y/N is stuck with a sticker on her car reading, "If the van's a-rockin', come on in, we like orgies," rather than the more common phrase.

It almost makes him start laughing, and he prays no one takes that shit seriously, 'cause he is never intent on sharing this breathtaking girl. Ever.

Y/N isn't anywhere near laughing like he is, in fact, she's finding it difficult to keep herself together. She feels her eyes sting with the promise of tears, and she's never felt so pathetic before. Is she seriously about to cry during sex? Is she really that girl that is so ill-equipped to handle rejection, she can't get through it without tears?

She won't cry. Perhaps if he sees how glossy her eyes have become in a rare moment of good lighting, she can blame it on the hand around her throat putting pressure on the sides of her neck.

The worst part about her being near to crying is the timing of it.

The emotion of what she feels mentally mixes with the swirling, building sensation she feels in the pit of her stomach that tells her she's close to going over the edge, and it's so overwhelming. Was she imagining that their friendship had changed? More importantly, is this all she'll ever be to him? Sex is the only thing she's sure of with him, it's the only thing that doesn't require deeper emotions, and when the ground beneath their fragile relationship felt shaky...

He can feel her starting to unravel, and he knows that he'll come before she does if he doesn't do anything now, so he decides to take control.

JJ pulls the hand he had resting on her abdomen away as though he were burned by it, wrapping his arm around her waist to steady her body against his and using the hand around her neck for leverage to thrust up into her, effectively reducing her to a teary-eyed, moaning mess atop him. They both stopped caring about making noise the second he began to fuck her like this.

She cries out in ecstasy at the sudden change in pace and depth that has him hitting all the right places. Every time he thrusts up into her, just as rough as she wished for, the tip of his cock nudges into that perfect spot inside of her that makes her incapable of silencing her moans. This time, it's JJ that puts his hand over her mouth, letting the one he had around her neck move away to keep her from alerting everyone around them of what's happening.

There's nothing she can do to stop her climax as it barrels through her in its initial sweeping wave of bliss to contrast the venomous doubts in her mind. She's never felt such conflicting, yet powerful feelings before—the intensity of the physical pleasure that makes her whine into the palm of his hand, then the part of her mind replaying every word he said in their conversation before this.

Her body is rigid and tense through it all, squeezing down around his cock with the involuntary spasms of her orgasm, and he can't help himself anymore. All it takes are a few more frantic thrusts for him to bury himself inside of her one last time and spill into the condom, uncovering her mouth so he can drown out his own groans into a kiss.

Their skin sticks to their clothes on the inside with sweat from the exertion of their actions, and he can feel her stomach tremble where it presses up against his with each undulation of her hips that meet his as he rides it out.

But even with the added distraction of the sex, she can't rid herself of the feeling that started plaguing her as soon as things went awry. That was why he was acting weird all night. He must have been so worried about her thinking this was anything more than their typical hangouts that he couldn't bring himself to act normally.

She forces herself to look happy when they pull away from the kiss, panting, and JJ, unaware of what she's been thinking, doesn't notice the small deception.

Tag list: @gabiatthedisco

[lovelyminnieee]

Without you- J.J.H

Pairing: Jaehyun x reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Warnings: Car accident mentions, mentions of death, father!Jaehyun, Coma, mentions of losing a loved one

Summary: Jaehyun doesn't want to deal with life anymore. Without you there to hug him, or tell him it was okay to cry, he didn't want to even come home, unless it was for his daughter. He missed you, so much he could go crazy. Maybe you will never come back, he hasn't lost hope yet. Will you be able to comeback to him and your daughter's lives again?

A/n: this is my first fic on my account, feedbacks would be deeply appreciated. Uh, I am a little nervous to post it, but please do give me feedbacks. And the paragraphs written in italics are memories

❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎

It's been 3 years. Three years without you. There wasn't one day where he didn't think of you. Your daughter and the way she reminds him of you. He's tired of it, tired of life. Without you there to comfort him, tell him it's okay to cry, he's tired.

"Eun ha, we have to get to school!" Jaehyun shouts from one end of the apartment, packing her lunch. "Coming daddy!" His daughter waddles over to him, struggling to put her shoes on. "Let me do it," Jaehyun said as he picked her up and put her on the table. He smiles as he puts her shoes on quickly, placing her down after. "Let's go, okay baby?" Jaehyun holds her little hand, her bag in his other hand.

Jaehyun opened the door to the apartment and sighed. An empty home was not really welcoming. You weren't there to hug him, tell him that you love him. His habits haven't changed, he sat down on the couch and pulled out his phone.

"I miss you so fucking much..."

He texted your number. He missed you so much, he was going crazy. He closed his eyes, trying to hold tears bay. He sent you a picture of Eun ha in her dress up outfit. Like a princess.

"Look at Eun ha, she looks so pretty. Just like you baby"

His fingers type, the memories flooding in. He took you for granted while you were there, and that is the thing he regrets the most in life. 

"I understand, but you can't just ignore me like that, Jae," you said, angry. He was ignoring you for the past few days, and you had no idea why. He said it was because of work, but he wasn't there at work during work hours. "No Jae, you're not working, you're somewhere else during work hours," you said, your eyes staring at him. Jaehyun paused for a minute, speechless. He was preparing something special for you, and that was the reason. "I- I was-" Jaehyun sighed. You were getting on his nerves. "Y/n, just leave me alone. You don't understand," he said and walked away, frustrated at your behaviour. You didn't know why you got angry so quickly, you were usually so calm and collected during arguments. "So now you want me to leave you alone?" You scoffed. Jaehyun turned around and stared at you. "Isn't that what I just said?" He stares back at you. "So it's completely okay for you to go out during work hours? And ignore me when you come home? What the fuck, Jae?" You raised your voice a little. "Can you not right now? I'm frustrated, Y/n." Jaehyun tried to keep his cool. "Jae, I've been dealing with so many things, do you think you're the only one who deals with stress?" You ask him, tears swelling in your eyes. Jaehyun closed his eyes, trying to stay collected. Maybe you had a reason to be mad this quick. "You might as well be cheating on me, or lying to me. And what not-"

"WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS Y/N?-"

"BECAUSE I WANTED TO TELL YOU I WAS PREGNANT, JAE!"

Jaehyun went silent. His heart pounded in his chest at the news. Well, that certainly wasn't a good way to release the news. She was pregnant? He thought.

"You're what?"

"You know what, nevermind," you walked away, wiping your tears. Jaehyun ran up to you and hugged you from behind. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Jaehyun whispered, kissing your neck softly. "I'm hurt, Jae." You whispered, your voice cracking. "I'm so sorry," he said, his hands softly resting over your tummy. Jaehyun's face ceased into a smile, continuing to press his lips against your neck. "I'm going to be a father," Jaehyun's eyes teared up as he twirled you around and kissed you softly. Everything felt unreal at that moment. He was going to be a dad. His heart swelled in happiness, pulling your waist closer to him.

"I'm so sorry about everything. I love you so much"

He pressed the send button, his eyes tearing up.

"Please come back to me, to Eun ha"

Tears ran down his cheeks and his world darkened again. Three years of torture. Three years without you. He doesn't know how he's going to manage. He shifted on the couch, staring mindlessly at the ceiling. "I miss you so much, Y/N." He whispered, holding his tears in. He had to visit you at the hospital soon, so he put his emotions aside for a moment and got up. He walked to his room and changed in a few minutes, grabbing his bag and walking out the door.

"Hi baby, I'm here," he whispers softly, walking closer to your bed. Your parents had been taking care of you for the past two days because he was busy, but now that he's here, he wants to tell you everything. He knows you're listening, unable to talk. "How are you, love? Is everything okay? Does it hurt?" He asks, gently caressing your hands. He misses your whiny self. Whatever he said, the room was so silent when it was supposed to be filled with your sweet voice. He sighs and closes his eyes, trying to hold in his emotions. "I miss you so much," his voice comes out as a broken whisper. "I can't do this anymore. I can't do this without you, please come back, I'm sorry," he cries, holding your hand close to him. Jaehyun remembers the day the accident happened.

"I'll meet you at home, babe. I love you," he said, cutting the call with a smile on his face. "You make me feel so single," Johnny whispers from his work desk, sighing. "Come on, John. You can bag girls if you try," Jaehyun chuckled as he put on his jacket. "Lucky, you get to go home early while I'm stuck with hyuck, great." Johnny rolls his eyes. Jaehyun just chuckles, walking out of his shared office space.

"So, how was work today?" Jaehyun asked, his eyes focused on the road. "Bad, all that man had to say was I did a bad job and screamed at me. The audacity," you scoffed on the other side of the phone. "Which man? The manager or the CEO?"

"Of course it has to be the manager. He's so annoying I swear," you sighed.

"Oh well, I'll ask him to shut the fuck up next time so he won't annoy you, okay?"

"Ew that was so cheesy, Jae," you cringed behind the phone. Before Jaehyun could even process your reply, loud crashes and screams were heard. He called for you repeatedly, only to realise that you weren't replying.

"I'm so sorry, if I hadn't distracted you, you would still be here for me." Jaehyun cries hard. He looks up at you to see tears running down the side of your face. "Sssh, don't cry," he said, wiping your tears and letting his hand rest on your face. He places a soft kiss on your forehead, his heart hurting at the sight of you. You laid in the bed, limp and pale. "Hey, you know..." He sniffled. "I met your manager on my way here today," he smiled, trying to get the mood better.

"And then, she was trying to write C, but Eun ha wrote it like it was mirrored," Jaehyun giggles softly, his hand still caressing yours. Your hands felt warm to him, and it was the best thing in the world to him. Just as he was about to let the unknown tears in his eyes fall, he felt something. He felt your hand move. His gaze snapped to your hands, which once moved. "Baby, can you do that again for me?" He says hastily, trying not to cry. And he sees a movement, yet again. "Wait for me, I'll go get the doctors, okay?" He says and hurries out of the room, holding himself together. He will come apart any second, but now was not the time.

Doctors rush in and out of the room as Jaehyun watches from the side, tears falling. He had called his mother and asked her to pick Eun ha up from school, just so that he can stay with you longer. "Mr. Jeong?" The doctor called. Jaehyun's cloudy gaze snapped to the doctor, hurrying over to the man. His first clenches in the anticipation of the news as the doctor smiles. "This is the first time I've seen something like this. Her senses are responding to the tests, after a full three years." The doctor tells him. "Is that good?" Jaehyun askes, sniffling. "Yes. Mrs. Jeong's health seems to be progressing so much more than the last three years, she has a higher chance of recovering from the coma for a week or so," Dr. Cho assures him, patting him on the shoulder before he leaves. Jaehyun stares at you for a moment before he comes closer to you. "Hey baby, you're gonna come back to me and Eun ha, aren't you?" Jaehyun asks softly, tears welling in his eyes yet again. "You will, I know it." He kissed your forehead again.

The hopeful week was crucial. Jaehyun visits you everyday of the week with Eun ha, trying his best to make you happy. He'd give his life up for you because what he and his daughter needed the most during this time was you. He had to go to work nevertheless, but you would never be left without a visitor. Mostly being his or your parents and your kid, or him and Eun ha. He was hopeful until the last day of the week rolled over, and he got a call from the doctor.

"Mr. Jeong, I need to talk to you as fast as possible."

"Is there a problem, Dr. Cho?"

He hears a sigh from the other side that sends fear through him.

"We need to talk as fast as possible. Can you make it to the hospital now?"

"Of course, give me 30 minutes, doc,"

Jaehyun cut the call, panic settling within him.

"Johnny, please take care of this document for me. I just got a call from Dr. Cho. I need to go, okay?"

"Yes sir, don't worry about it,"

Johnny said, gesturing to him to hurry on his way. Jaehyun rushed out of the building, getting into his car in no time. In fifteen minutes, he was there at the hospital. He found the same office he's been visiting for the last three years in a couple of minutes, panting as he barged in through the door.

"I was expecting you, Mr. Jeong," Dr. Cho said, sitting upright. He had a bad feeling about what he was going to hear. "I need you to sit down and take a deep breath," the doctor said, sympathy marked in his eyes. Jaehyun sat down hesitatingly, staring at the doctor.

"Would you like something to drink or...?"

"Cut the crap, Dr. Cho,"

Jaehyun snapped. The man just sighed, looking him in the eye. "Your wife, Mrs. Jeong, was pronounced brain dead over 20 minute ago. She had a stroke which caused the brain to stop working," Jaehyun's broken world came crashing down in a few seconds as soon as he heard the news.

"What?"

"Sir, you need to calm-"

"No no no, she hasn't died yet. She can't die yet. You said she was making steady progress, YOU SAID SHE MIGHT WAKE UP, WHY CHANGE YOUR WORDS NOW?!" Jaehyun asked, tears running down his cheeks.

"Jaehyun, listen. It was a stroke that prompted brain death. We can keep her on a machine which pumps oxygen onto her organs which will keep her warm, but it won't do anything,"

"Can you step out for a minute?" Jaehyun asked him, his voice soft. "Of course," the doctor said, moving on his way out.

Jaehyun takes in the news, tears pouring out of his eyes. All he asked for was you and God denied. Great, he hopes that he at least gets to see you one last time. He stepped out of the doctor's office with red eyes and nose. "Can I see her for the last time?" Jaehyun requests, to which the doctor agrees. Tears kept flowing on his way to the room, wiping then with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Go on in," the doctor says, gesturing at the door. Jaehyun holds onto the handle and hesitates before sliding the door open. He keeps his eyes locked on to the floor and when he does lift his eyes, surprise strikes him. You were up, alive and well. Jaehyun blinks before wiping his eyes and looking again. "Jae..." His name rolls off your tongue, bringing him back to earth. He didn't say anything, but he rushed to you and engulfed you in a big hug. He held you close to him, not letting go. It's not like you wanted to let go either. "Jae..." You said, letting your head rest on his shoulder, arms wrapped around him tightly. "I missed you so much," he whispered, breaking into tears again. "God, you're so warm. I missed this so much," you say softly. He missed your voice so much. Jaehyun pulls back gently and stares at your famished face, wiping your tears. "I love you so much, so much," he said, cupping your cheeks in his hands. Your tears ran down again, you missed him so much.

"So what was that?" Jaehyun questions the doctor, glaring at him. "Well uh, your wife had a special request," the doctor smiles, looking away after. "Cho Si-hyeon, I will smack you," he glares, shooting lasers through his eyes. "Hey! Yell at her, not me!" Si-hyeon, his fellow classmate who was a year older than him exclaimed, pointing at you. "No," Jaehyun said, kissing you all over your face as you giggled softly. "She needs to get physiotherapy for her legs and you can go home after," Si-hyeon says, watching them both enjoy each other's presence. "Mhm, 'kay. What else?" Jaehyun said, his gaze fixed on you. "This is disgusting. Bye, I can't stand it," Si-hyeon scrunched his face, leaving the room. "Tsk, he's just jealous that I have such a pretty wife," Jaehyun says and places a small kiss on your lips. "Oh well," you whispered, pulling him into a soft and we'll needed kiss, for both.

❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎

Taglist: @sparklysung @trying-to-love-myself

[findroleplay]

Looking for Fandomless roleplays.

[Trying this again because I messed up my first post..]

Hi! 22 Year old Female looking for an 18+ Rp male partner for a f×m romantic roleplay.

I'd love drama, fluff, angst, etc. Dark themes are okay, but I draw the line at very dark themes, such as gore, noncon etc and I don't do NSFW at all.

I write novel style rp and can write 2 paragraphs or more depending on the detail, but if you can only write one; that's fine, as long as it's not a one liner.

Genre: Modern Fantasy/ Supernatural with the male being your choise; he can have supernatural powers of his own or be completely human, I don't mind. My female oc is a cross between Ghost Rider and a Siren, so her powers lure in the worst men so that she can and deal with them sort of like the Sirens do in myths/legends.  But again, she doesn't know that. It's not necessary for the rp unless you want it to be in some way. This has led to traumatic experiences for her, so she is very wary of men.

For the plot I want to go for a scenario where she managed to escape from her adoptive parents and start an entirely new life. By this I mean that she used her powers to make people see her the way she wants them to.

As a human.

During this time she meets a man who she ends up falling for, so they start dating.

But rather far into the relationship, her past catches up to her and the man ends up learning about how she stole from people, learns what her powers are, etc, but doesn't learn the full truth of course, so he thinks she has just been lying to him.

She does have a bio which I will send you, but I can make any changes you want, within reason, obviously, but it's not set in stone, so I don't mind changing some things.

Plot can be discussed in further detail, we can decide on tropes, etc, because I'm open for pretty much anything.

Setting: High school, university, work place, or a bar etc.

I'd love a long term partner to write with and do some world or story building, share ideas for the plot, hopefully befriend along the way.

All I'm asking for communication as well; like I don't mind slow-ish replies, but I don't want to wonder if you're still interested a week or two later. Atleast tell me if you're going to be gone for like more than three days or a week. I myself reply relitavely fast unless I'm busy or asleep, but I'll let you know if anything comes up.

I write mostly on Discord at the moment, so you can react or comment on this post and I'll send you my discord along with her bio.

_

[bonesandthebees]

Maybe a little silly but I hope the other anons could also share their favourite sentence they've read so far that's written by Bones? One that stuck with you from any fic she's written so far?

For me it has to be the line "Bright green eyes that were fixed on the stars, not seeing any of them" from The World Forgetting By The World Forgot. It's maybe not the most complex or so sentence, but the poetic feeling in the moment as I read that scene, my god, shivers. How pretty it was all said, to confirm what just happened with such a statement? Gorgeous. Mwah, chef's kiss.

I could legitimately keep going about World Forgetting as it's one of the best fics I've read so far, the way it handles trauma, family issues, trust, self identity, so many deepgoing emotions.. amazing. Clinic walked so Forgetting could run, in my eyes. Both are fantastic pieces of literature, but if you haven't read World Forgetting yet, you should!

Anyways I'll get out of your inbox now Bones, though maybe you could share your favourite sentence or expression/paragraph/bit you've written so far and why?

See you around! Will be getting to Nocturnal Animals this weekend :)

-🚀

lkdsjf rocket... you are too sweet shut up. but thank you i was so proud of that line about the eyes and the stars, really thought it just hammered home that despite how fucked up he was, dream was still human. tommy had killed a person, even if he was a terrible one, and that scene was a tragedy no matter how you looked at it

your commentary on world forgetting seriously gave me so much happiness, im so glad you enjoyed it so much. there are definitely pieces of it i feel i could've done better with, but overall i'm very proud of the story i was able to tell <3

hmm that's so hard bc i've written quite a bit so it's hard to think of a line/expression i've come up with off the top of my head, but i have a few in mind that i really liked

I really loved this line from the stars and their children because every time i read it, I can hear the whoosh of a knife sliding across a sharpener. I just thought it was a really creative way to describe a smile sharpening and was proud of myself for it

ngl I have no idea how I came up with "sadness and confusion taking center stage in the lines of Wilbur's forehead and the downturned corners of Tommy's lips" but every time I remember that I'm like goddamn I really wrote that? such a cool way to describe expressions, also very proud of myself for that

in under the brine i was so proud of the entire use of the dirt metaphor for wilbur lying, but i think this line is really the best part of it—when the metaphor is first introduced. dirt is a running metaphor mentioned through all of under the brine, and this was one of my first forays into using a continuous metaphor throughout an entire piece. really loved the vibe it gave off and how it connected with the overarching narrative, but this part especially i'm very proud of

and last one but rotting fruit is probably one of my best written pieces ever, which is funny to me since i wrote it entirely on a whim one day when i was procrastinating studying for a final. I just had such specific vibes in mind when I wrote it, and using rotting fruit as a metaphor for codependency was something I had a lot of fun playing around with. this part highlights my favorite parts of the metaphor, especially with the last line asking if this was what love was. the entirety of rotting fruit has such specific vibes and atmosphere that i'm extremely proud of, but again i have no clue where it came from i just went off one afternoon lmao

[beautifulterriblequeen]

B2:S - Chapter 5

Much of this series will be about the differences and additions in the novel version, and how they contribute to my understanding of story canon. But there will be character appreciation, the odd theory and headcanon, and suchlike as well.

Here be lots of Viren deets, Best Boy Soren deets, some writing/continuity stuff, worldbuilding appreciation and half of a theory, Detective Rayla, Moon Temple geeking, Claudium and dark magic, and more!

Spoilers for Book Two: Sky below.

(I know for darn sure that I wrote up a post for chapter 4, but I can't find it anywhere so I guess Tumblr ate it and I'll have to redo it at some point, but today is not that day)

Viren, my evil dude, my bad guy, coming in clutch with the worldbuilding and backstory again! If you want to know decades of information, you gotta talk to Viren. Or read his scenes, at least. Here, he seems to not sleep much when he has a big problem to analyze his way through. Solutions trump pretty much everything else in this guy's life, and he's had a really hard week with a lot of new and complicated problems. Of course he's getting sleep-deprived trying to find his way through them all.

Harrow put so much trust in Viren when he made him High Mage! He just threw himself extra hard at that Lady Justice blindfold, didn't he? Didn't really want to see what Viren was doing in his magic study, so he left Viren to his devices. And Viren has a lot of devices.

Also, this is fascinating: Viren made the secret passage to his "less official study" in Katolis Castle! And he was inspired to do so by the way his own mentor kept the Puzzle House. What else could a Puzzle House be, except a place with secret passages? Yay! secret headcanon that "the Puzzle House" is just "Katolis Castle" from Kid Viren's perspective tho

So either Viren built all of those passageways, or at least the ones to his dungeon. Which means he has to have, or know where to get, a stash of those glowing blue Moonshadow crystals. Hmmm.

I can't wait to learn more about Kpp'Ar and young Viren, btw. From this description of Viren and all his literal secret ways, it feels like another parallel between Viren and Runaan, with the whole "secretive paths, members only, insider knowledge" type stuff. Only the really cool members of this cult club get to know the secrets, and guess what, kid, you're cool now but you can never tell anyone, okay? Our secret.

Yeahhh, that'll never backfire in any way for either of them.

Kpp'Ar calling puzzles and secrets "man-made magic," though. Yes sir, knowledge is indeed power.

This chapter mentions Runaan by name, from Viren's perspective. Generally that would imply that Viren knows his name, even though assassins do not share their names, and Runaan didn't seem to give his to Viren in the first book. However, there was a scene in book one where the last paragraph switched perspective from Viren to Runaan - a technique that's very common in visual media like movies and shows and gives you that "ohoho they left the room and didn't notice this, but you do!" vibe. Using Runaan's name there in book one, where Viren couldn't see it but readers could, helps them keep track of the assassin's story arc while maintaining Viren's racism.

So in book two, in which Runaan has no onscreen scenes (alas), using his name in a scene that calls back to the events in book one helps us remember what happened in that dungeon cell. It would be a bit muddier to recall the specifics if Viren kept thinking about Runaan as "Elf." So I'm cool with the perspective nudge because it serves a narrative purpose: clarity. But I'm also enjoying the angst of considering that, somehow, Viren learned Runaan's name either during or after the coining spell. Mwa ha ha haaa. (Obligatory "Keep my pretty name outta your mouth" goes here)

Okay, back to Viren's scheming! He took the mirror because it was human-sized in a dragon lair. He knew it didn't really fit there, and that made it interesting, so he stole it. But he realized it was really powerful when Runaan wouldn't tell him squat about it - the assassin's instinct to protect Xadian secrets from human hands meant that Viren was holding a very powerful Xadian secret. And that just made him want it all the more. Ah, Runaan, if only your relationship with lying was, like, the exact opposite of what it is. Nyx could've spun Viren a believable tale in 2 minutes flat.

Also of interest: Viren considers his cursed coins to be a final fate. He expects Runaan to remain in his coin forever. With the Chekhov's coins still extant in the storyline, we can assume that they'll come up again eventually, but Viren has no current plans to do anything with his elf money except carry it around.

It's worth noting that Viren admits that he got impatient when he trapped Runaan in the coin. Runaan's first fate in Katolis was supposed to be death at Soren's hands, but Claudia "saved" him from that. His next fate was to become spell components, but Viren's frustration with his stubbornness "saved" him from that fate, too. So now he's in a coin, where no one can chop him up at all. Yay? No, boo!

We get one last line about Runaan before Viren shifts gears: he makes a point of noting for us that Runaan's shackles are still locked shut. However much of Runaan made it into that coin - body, soul, hair care products - he was magicked there, pulled right out of his restraints.

The creepy black liquid that Viren pours right into his eyes is the last of a powerful potion he got from Kpp'Ar, and its recipe is ancient! Humans used it back in the age of Elarion to see through the illusions of the world. And we get a delightfully creepy bit of description about the preparation of this serum, which makes it abundantly clear that it's a Moon magic-based concoction, harvested from eyeless vipers on a moonless night, with the threat of irrevocable madness ("madness" by whose definition, though) if it's done wrong-

Hang on. Hold up. This is a Plato's Cave reference. OH MY GOD.

No no I'm fine, this is brilliant. Sorry, sorry, I couldn't figure why there was so much description for a potion prep that Viren didn't even have to perform himself. But now I get it. I see the light. HA. I should make a separate post for this, it's amazing.

Anyway, for reference, the humans who used this serum were called the Oracles of Ophidia, and Ophidia is a taxonomy group that includes all modern snakes. Can you say "creepy ancient snake rites"? I can! Woo!

Viren activates the serum with a spell, but apparently he's never done it before. He's not sure if it's supposed to be hot and bubbly, and he worries that it's been tainted by moonlight.

Oh, I do hope so.

The magic potion hurts, a lot. Viren will do just about anything, to himself or anyone, to do what he believes is necessary. He just risked madness and blindness to find out what this mirror does! Viren. Can you just. Take a nap or something. Have a Snickers.

This chapter gives us a fun clue that I don't remember from the show: when Viren's vision clears and he can see, his reflection has white pupils and the room reflected in the mirror has inverted colors. You know where else has inverted colors?

You know who else got white pupils for a hot second?

Okay, now it makes sense! Viren and Lujanne were both seeing into the realm beyond life and death. Him with his moon magic potion, and her with her moon powers on a full moon night at the Moon Nexus. Which is Very Interesting! Is it a direct hint about Aaravos's location, or just a separate cool detail? Orrr, does it look like a direct hint because Aaravos is actually trapped in the world beyond life and death, but it's actually separate and we'll see something about white pupils again later on?

Viren really does have self-esteem issues, we all picked up on it with his rant at his reflection. He throws a fit when he catches himself wondering if he's actually worthless. In the book version of his tantrum, he shoves the mirror and hurls a candelabra instead of flipping a table. He didn't need to shove the mirror to set the fire, but it's in here. Foreshadowing that perhaps, if push comes to shove, Viren will choose himself over Aaravos? Giving Aaravos time to peek through and see that the coast is clear?

Soren, my boyyyyy. He has a rough night at the Moon Nexus because two sides of him are fighting with each other. He struggles to understand Callum's friendship with Rayla, and he also fantasizes about chopping off Rayla's head. One of these is a pretty ordinary thing to do. The other is Soren's internalization of what he needs to do to gain his father's approval. If he brought his dad a chopped off elf head every week, he'd probably feel a lot more confident because Viren would praise him a lot more.

Okay, okay, omg, is it just me, or does the "Moonshadow Madness" story, as it's told in the book, seem like Soren just doesn't know what a monsterfucker is? He thinks an elf bite puts humans under a spell. But vampires are sexy, and some people want them to do more to them than just bite them. A passionate kiss under the moonlight could look very bitey, especially if one of the participants has horns and you're already culturally trained to hate them. No yeah, I'm already headcanoning an actual human-elf kiss that got misunderstood by an observer long ago.

it's Lujanne isn't it, we all know, because what is a love spell but a sweet soft illusion, I mean how else does she get supplies for her Caldera, I ask you, and also Corvus was totally sent to investigate once and he told Soren at camp what he saw

And then back to magefam angst: Soren pretending that his sister's nose-tapping is stupid, even though he actually thinks it's cool, just because their dad thinks it's stupid. Viren, istg. Let your kids like harmless things. It's so cute that Soren taps his nose back at her, though! Like they have their own sibling code. I hope we get to see the nose tap again, especially now that they've chosen different sides. It could mean so much, that they're not too far apart yet.

Rayla knows what buttery pancakes smell like. I love this. Do Moonshadow elves have butter and pancakes, does Rayla eat a stack of eight giant pancakes in the morning? Orrrr it is just illusion food? I don't care, let Rayla have pancakes! Everyone loves pancakes. Pancakes will save the world. this message brought to you by the fact that I can't eat pancakes rn, send help

I love that Rayla is both sus of the pancakes and hungry, and that combines into a very motivated "I will get to the bottom of this" attitude. She kind of goes into Poirot Mode when she inserts herself into Soren and Ellis's conversation about Ava, explaining about the wolf's illusion leg and segueing into her claim that the pancakes taste sus. Claudia confirms she used dark magic, and Rayla is furious. It's different than the show's version in that it puts Rayla in detective mode, as the only Moonshadow elf in the scene, and boy does she take that role seriously. Also, she doesn't actually swallow the dark magic pancake bite. It ends up on the ground just like Lujanne's grubs from that earlier meal. These poor kids are so nutrient-starved. You guys gotta eat!!

Rayla's determination and prejudices and the fact that she super knows Harrow is dead all dovetail to make her try repeatedly to persuade Callum that Soren and Claudia are Not To Be Trusted. It's nice that the book keeps taking the time to point out that Rayla is Well Intentioned But Flawed, just like Callum and pretty much every other character in the show. No one is Right All The Time, no one Knows More Than Everyone Else.

Callum loving the sound of Claudia's unique voice is so wholesome. When you like someone, it only makes sense that you like all the things about them that they can't change - like the sound of Claudia's voice. Her choices with dark magic, not so much!

Claudia seems to have the same concerns Soren does about Callum's relationship with Rayla, but she comes out and asks him. The inherent possession implied in "your elf" is interesting, though. Elves are not people to Claudia. They're enemies who can be disassembled for the magic inside them. So maybe more like robots than living beings, if she knew what a robot was. Maybe she heard Soren's "Moonshadow Madness" story and realized he totally missed the kissing implications - but she didn't, and now she's genuinely worried that Rayla could kiss Callum under a full moon and enchant him to do her will. Good thing it's only a half moon, then!

Okay, Callum nervously making a puppet hand and then not knowing what to do with his hands and freaking out about itching and moving and pointy elbows is such a ND mood. The sudden stress of knowing that someone else is noticing your existence and maybe you're Not Existing Right, amirite? Ugh, poor Callum.

The Moon Temple! Omg it's so pretty in the description! Made to be beautiful and useful, full of knowledge but also allowing light and life inside (butterflies and vines). Lujanne, when can I move in, please? Also, it's all the more angsty because Lujanne is the only one who gets to see this beautiful place, but it has lots of chairs and shelves and tables, and it was meant to be used by lots of people. :(((

Claudia knows some of the runes on the walls. She isn't in a hurry to copy the rest of them down or anything, either. Her spellwriting is very precise, and she's a skilled mage. Her father would have made sure she was aware of the dangers of drawing sloppy runes, as much as he made her aware of the dangers of doing dark magic wrong. And the whole point of dark magic is that it's easier to learn than primal magic. Claudia supports her dad and their shared knowledge and life path. She's not gonna go nuts over an elf library she can't translate.

Side note: Between Claudia knowing some Moon runes and Viren building a secret passageway and a dungeon and lighting it with the same blue crystals that Lujanne and Ethari use for light--and Claudia exclaiming that she loves ruins--I wonder once more if there are really Moonshadow ruins somewhere in Katolis, which Viren has found and looted. Father-daughter relic hunting trip, maybe while Soren is away at camp? Omgsh that would be so wild!

Callum out here having a Viren moment with his "I feel powerless unless I've got magic that lets me help" vibes. God. I love their complicated mirroring. One of the hard differences between them is that Callum is very sure dark magic is bad because you have to kill stuff and take its power to cast spells, and he doesn't want to be a person who kills and takes like that. The line he walks to be nice to Claudia on their tour of the Cursed Caldera because he likes her, while telling her that he doesn't want to do her magic, like, ever, is so fine that it might as well be a shifting shadow on the ground. It's a very fitting conversation to be having during the half moon, with its tricks and little white lies.

Callum being out of the castle and his comfort zone, having to deal with the fact that the Claudia he loves is not quite the Claudia who's chasing him down across the kingdom, but of the two of them, he's the only one with a problem with this.

They say that if you really want to get to know someone, you should spend time with them outside their comfort zone - in heavy traffic, with a small baby, taking care of a new pet, trying a new skill, following unfamiliar directions, etc. While the castle is familiar territory for them both, Callum's never really found his comfort zone yet, while Claudia is pretty comfortable with her growing skill set. The creepy part starts to kick in when Callum begins to realize that Claudia's comfort zone encompasses a whole bunch of stuff that seems like it should make her uncomfortable... but it doesn't. But that'll be for a future chapter!

[foibles-fables]

Hello, I have awoken from yet another nap sleep of the dead and would like to ask 4, 22 and 23 (because yes, I'm that greedy).

A day belated, here ya go!!!

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

This one changes from day to day, as I'm sure you've experienced! My first thought today was this section from rest like you belong here. As for why--I think I was just trying to get into a complicated and concussed headspace and I think the style paid off here?

And yet she’s consumed. Talanah’s fingers enthrall her as they give sure and steady clemency. Her touch works to root out and then smooth down the raggedness she feels everywhere, all the time. Every recrimination between her and her homeland. All the things she can’t change, all of the things that elude her, that wisp away in the wake of being seen as her. Being cared for as her. This matters. Care. It matters. It’s always mattered, but it’s never belonged to her as plainly and unquestioningly as this. And Aloy doesn’t know how to let it matter—how to let all of her names matter and bear their own weight, and reflect back onto her in ways that don’t make her feel like a pretender. How to let herself matter, to find the space to move beyond, to let the bruises go pale. To find any measure of the peace she’s still seeking.

She’s so exhausted. And even cradled in comfort, her head is still pounding like a close-approaching tempest. Clarity whips away, taken by stone and drink and sweeping hand. Torrents of uncertainty broken free and allowed to crash over her drive her to weakness. They wash away every posture and semblance, betray unnerving desires. Propel her out of control. Reveal how she wants to be held and to be beheld in ways she can’t fathom, can’t fully grasp. And lying there, paralyzed in this diametric frenzy of both wanting and spurning at once, Aloy doesn’t know if she’s about to shove at Talanah’s hand and lunge away—or grab her wrist, creating fuller and more frightening contact, palm to belly then pulling upward, sternum to collarbone to throat to cheek, leaving a tangible mark of this daunting grace over unclaimed, trembling barrenness.

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

I do! Not a ton of the really old stuff (we're talking, like, 2004-2009), even though maybe I should. More recent things I'll reread pretty often, if I'm caught on tone or trying to get myself in the mood to be creative. I feel pretty decent about a lot of what I've put out in the last year and a half or so. There's always a cringe factor, but reactions tend towards the positive.

23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

Answered here!

[rosesloveletters]

Not me lying in bed staring at the ceiling craving for my Papa so badly I have tears in my eyes🥺 I've been thinking lots of the end and.... how brave he was. Right up to the end, with how scared and upset he must have been.... and he acted so selflessly to save Mama and I just... he thought everyone in the house wanted him dead but I wanna tell him that I'd never want that for him. That I only want his safety and health and happiness and I 😭😭😭😭😭 my Papa was so very brave and he inspires me every day to be my best self and I just🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 he'd scoff at me but🥺😭 I wanna lay in bed with him and cuddle up and fall asleep with the most dangerous man in the house watching over me. I think he'd understand what that gesture means💕💕💕💕

And don't get me started on Father!!!!! He was so lost and scared too and he didn't know what was happening but he kept trying and trying and he did his best and he made many mistakes and blamed Papa for everything (🤬🔪) but he kept going and I resonate so much with that and I admire his work ethic and the way he always did his best and I just wanna tell him I love him and Papa and I'm proud of him and I wanna sit on his lap and cuddle and fall asleep on him as he rocks me slowly the same way I rock myself at my desk (swively office chair) and I wanna help him with his work and his depression and I 🥺😭

And Mama!!!!! I wanna hug her tightly with the rain lashing down at the windows and the fire roaring and I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong. I wanna help her with her chores and her errands and I wanna ease the burden of her responsibilities by being the best possible daughter I can be and I wanna tell her I'm proud of her and share stories with her over beer and brush her hair for her and have her brush and braid mine so it goes like Papa's and it's just so unfair that she and Father never got to have their time together. They were so in love and so devoted to each other and there's no place for me in canon no matter how hard I look (though maaaaaaybe that bedroom scene near the end - you know the one - could be????) And I just😭🥺

I carry them with me every day, I have since I was sixteen, and not a day goes by I don't live the way I think they would want me to. I feel like of the 3 parents, I let Papa down the most because I'm not as carefree as he is and I'm just a ball of nerves but I pretend his hand is in mine and it makes me brave like he was.

🥺😭💔

My heart is breaking for them tonight. It hurts to love them so much (you know what I mean) but I wouldn't want it any other way because they're mine.

I love you so much darling omg I just wanted to share these thoughts with you! You don't have to reply if you don't want to!!!💕 I'll reblog things as soon as I can omg I love you so much and I miss you lots and I'm really worried about you hhhhhh take care of you, darling! I'm so so proud of you!💕

Erika🥺 💕 Hello, darling, sorry I let this sit forever. I don't do too much blogging anymore, aside from random reblogs now and then (and I'm becoming more and more like Terry every day and just keeping everything to myself because trust issues, anxiety, etc. etc.) I'll just respond to everything paragraph by paragraph so that it's easier to know what I'm referring to.

Not me lying in bed staring at the ceiling craving for my Papa so badly I have tears in my eyes🥺 I've been thinking lots of the end and.... how brave he was. Right up to the end, with how scared and upset he must have been.... and he acted so selflessly to save Mama and I just... he thought everyone in the house wanted him dead but I wanna tell him that I'd never want that for him. That I only want his safety and health and happiness and I 😭😭😭😭😭 my Papa was so very brave and he inspires me every day to be my best self and I just🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 he'd scoff at me but🥺😭 I wanna lay in bed with him and cuddle up and fall asleep with the most dangerous man in the house watching over me. I think he'd understand what that gesture means💕💕💕💕

Oh, darling, I wish I could give you your Papa🥺🥺 I know there's absolutely nowhere he would rather be than with you at all times, especially during the night. he was extremely brave in that moment, I agree. It was almost as if he understood who the true villain was, since Dr. Jekyll had the capacity to want to entertain someone as sinister as him for selfish purposes (sorry for bluntly insulting your Father, please forgive me) and he knew the only way to stop it was to do what he did. He had to punish himself to save your Mama the way he did and that is completely worthy of life, in my opinion. If he was so awful, he never would have done something like that for her. You definitely get this kind of compassion from him, darling. You are always your best self for him because you learned from him how to treat those you care for. He would never acknowledge this, knowing his personality, but in his heart he knows it's true. He would understand, darling, he would let you lie down with him and hold onto him as tightly as you needed, perhaps he would even tuck you in closer once you'd fallen asleep, so that you wouldn't notice his need for you, since he's got a reputation to keep intact lmao.

And don't get me started on Father!!!!! He was so lost and scared too and he didn't know what was happening but he kept trying and trying and he did his best and he made many mistakes and blamed Papa for everything (🤬🔪) but he kept going and I resonate so much with that and I admire his work ethic and the way he always did his best and I just wanna tell him I love him and Papa and I'm proud of him and I wanna sit on his lap and cuddle and fall asleep on him as he rocks me slowly the same way I rock myself at my desk (swively office chair) and I wanna help him with his work and his depression and I 🥺😭

Your Father is a good, decent man at heart, even though he lost his way a few times whenever he blamed your Papa for those things. His drive and initiative to keep going and pursue his goals is something I see reflected in you as you chase your goals and refuse to give up in the face of any obstacles. He would be so very proud of how similar you are to him and how your work ethic rivals his own (even though I know he would want to see you give yourself a day off now and again!) He and your Papa would be lucky to get to cuddle with you, I know they both would enjoy it endlessly. You would be a huge help to him with everything and he could learn a thing or two from you, I'm certain of it. You both are so similar in the best of ways and I see his maturity, wisdom and initiative in you.

And Mama!!!!! I wanna hug her tightly with the rain lashing down at the windows and the fire roaring and I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong. I wanna help her with her chores and her errands and I wanna ease the burden of her responsibilities by being the best possible daughter I can be and I wanna tell her I'm proud of her and share stories with her over beer and brush her hair for her and have her brush and braid mine so it goes like Papa's and it's just so unfair that she and Father never got to have their time together. They were so in love and so devoted to each other and there's no place for me in canon no matter how hard I look (though maaaaaaybe that bedroom scene near the end - you know the one - could be????) And I just😭🥺

You are always where you belong any time you feel her close, darling. She would be so very proud of you, dear, and I know she would want to spend as much time with you as she could. You would ease the burden of her responsibilities if that is what you desire, but she would also want for you to focus on your own responsibilities as much as you are able. She would not want you to neglect yourself for her. Every time that you brush or braid your hair, sit by the fire, do your chores, go to work, etc. you are with her and she is with you. She is a part of everything that you do because you do them with and for her. Your Mama and your Father deserved much more time together, since the two of them were just getting more comfortable with each other and the both of them had so much love for the other. There will always be a place for you in canon; just because it isn't shown onscreen does not mean it's not there. I think you're right - that bedroom scene could work perfectly!

I carry them with me every day, I have since I was sixteen, and not a day goes by I don't live the way I think they would want me to. I feel like of the 3 parents, I let Papa down the most because I'm not as carefree as he is and I'm just a ball of nerves but I pretend his hand is in mine and it makes me brave like he was.

🥺😭💔

My heart is breaking for them tonight. It hurts to love them so much (you know what I mean) but I wouldn't want it any other way because they're mine.

I love you so much darling omg I just wanted to share these thoughts with you! You don't have to reply if you don't want to!!!💕 I'll reblog things as soon as I can omg I love you so much and I miss you lots and I'm really worried about you hhhhhh take care of you, darling! I'm so so proud of you!💕

Your parental F/Os have been with you for such a long time, it is no wonder they have resonated with you in he ways that they have and have guided you and eased you into the woman you are today. They would want you to know how proud they are of you, dear. You live in a way that would make them honored to call you their daughter. You are brave like your Papa is, dear. Perhaps not in the exact same way, but how I see it: you still do things that scare you, even if they terrify the shit out of you. You still do those things and that says a lot about a person. He would be proud that you don't let your fear hold you back and that you instead use that fear to push you to new heights and to take on whatever it is that you are trying to.

I know exactly what you mean, dear; you know it's real love if it hurts that much. They are completely and wholeheartedly yours and nothing could ever change that. You are familial soulmates, forever and always.

I love you too, darling, thank you for having the courage to tell me these things. I love our convos about our familial f/os. Please don't worry about me, dear, I promise I'll live.