#idk where this came from but that memory kept making me emotional and i needed to write something about it

[darkcircles4lyfe]

Life after NDE

Before reading, please see this post. It’s where I first explored the possibility that what we think we know about One for All is unreliable. It also ends with my own guesses about how Katsuki plays into it all. Now, with chapter 404, I can continue where it left off.

There are a lot of different tangents floating around here that I need to bring together for you, so let’s start with what came to light in this newest chapter. There’s a clear emphasis on Toshinori’s vestige form:

but did you catch the slight of hand?

How about now?

As soon as I saw the panels where Shigaraki talks about how the vestige is taking full form, I was practically shouting “OBJECTION” Ace Attorney-style, because they were a complete contradiction to how we were made to understand vestiges in chapter 304 (oh hey look, exactly 100 chapters ago!). Back then, it was suggested to us that Toshinori was special because of his quirklessness, that it allowed him to imprint upon OFA in a way that none of the other previous users could. In contrast, Shigaraki makes it seem like Toshi is no different from the rest. Like oh yeah, this is just how it works, they aren’t fully formed until they die, right? Hello?? No? I thought we were assuming the vestiges didn't have to do with actual souls, apart from Toshi? Given Shigaraki’s own brand of unreliability in his immature frame of mind, I found myself wondering: is he making an assumption, or is he letting slip a secret bit of information about OFA? Idk man, OFA wasn’t even doing this whole vestige thing until like a few months ago, so.

Either way, we can observe the change. As Toshinori’s lifeforce fades, he appears in OFA. I’m left with the simple observation that if he were truly different from the other vestiges because of his quirklessness, it would not have happened this way, since OFA doesn’t have Toshi’s own unique quirk factor to work with, but rather the other way around. You would have expected his vestige to stay the same, or possibly disappear altogether, since it was ostensibly exclusively based on the influence of a living consciousness.

That exception to the rule described in 304 never sat right with me anyway, and I’m not convinced that OFA contains mere memories of its previous users via their quirks just like AFO does. Sure, it’s nice and edgy to imagine that OFA/AFO are more similar than they are different, deep down. But poetic opposites are more interesting to me: AFO isolates by taking, while OFA connects by giving. Previous OFA users give themselves to their successors. One for All was “truly born” not when All for One tossed Yoichi a stolen consolation, but when 2nd extended his hand. There is something distinctly emotional and personal about that. Nana was right—it is kinda romantic.

Because Toshinori kept living, because Izuku has meaningful relationships, that chain of giving linked down through OFA was finally brought to light, like a circuit that’s being closed. At least, that’s how I see it. That’s pretty much what I talked about in my previous post.

Back then I also suggested that this theory of personal connection in some way explains Katsuki apparently having a vestige. Since chapter 403, where Toshinori describes his legacy as being embodied in both Izuku AND Katsuki, I was reminded of how Toshinori was gradually shown this over the course of the manga, as he came to understand Katsuki and his relationship to Izuku, how they are inseparable.

When Toshinori was inspired to pass OFA on to Izuku as he witnessed him trying to save Katsuki, he had no idea the two boys even knew each other. What he saw as a random act of selflessness was in reality a desperate manifestation of a connection that extended beyond memory, of osananajimi. With the eyes of traditional heroism, one could choose to see this as Toshinori’s fatal mistake, that he accidentally chose a successor with a “weakness” of personal attachment, but we all know that heroic isolation isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. No, I think Toshinori made precisely the right choice.

This is going to seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but bear with me: you know how we still haven’t been told how the first OFA transfer happened? I feel almost silly admitting this, but I think it absolutely had to have been done instinctually, because it’s just too damn specific. As in, they didn’t know what they were doing or what it would accomplish, but they did it anyway. As in. They moved. Without thinking.

Toshinori didn’t fully consciously understand what he was seeing when Izuku ran to Katsuki, but deep within OFA, perhaps he recognized something familiar.

What if, somehow, without knowing it, Toshinori gave One for All to two people? His conviction and intent to give it was inspired by Izuku’s connection to Katuski. Yes, the transfer is inherently physical, but it also relies on mental assertion. Plus, how we think the transfer works may also be an assumption (again, the first time it happened was probably on instinct). Let me break it down even more: Toshi probably thought, as he passed OFA on, “I’m giving it to a successor who has my same balance of heroism—save to win, win to save.” But, in reality, Izuku relies on Katsuki for that balance, as his image of victory. Therefore I think I can argue that their relationship is irrevocably bound within the pact of the OFA transfer. Maybe because Katsuki’s part of OFA is based on emotional connection, once that connection is reciprocated…

…the full extent of that dual transfer is awakened.

I understand I’m making a lot of logical leaps here, but there has to be some sort of explanation for the Katsuki we see at the point of his death, talking to Toshinori’s vestige. I used to think it meant Katsuki had a vestige too. But then why are Katsuki and Toshinori alone, and without Izuku knowing? Moreover, why didn’t Katsuki materialize from the metaphysical mist around Izuku when he died, just as Toshinori did here?

Here comes the other thing I realized in 404. The simplest explanation may be that Katsuki isn’t a vestige at all, but rather he was visiting the OFA interior just as Izuku has done in his sleep or in a coma. Because he’s not a previous user, he’s a current user. The sequence of Toshinori’s NDE (near death experience) in 404, the way it manifested externally around Izuku as something Izuku was aware of, rather than internally within OFA from Toshinori’s point of view, shows me that what happened to Katsuki was different.

A lot of us have been speculating that Katsuki “has access to” OFA in some form or another for quite some time now, but I think the way the idea is suggested in 403/404 is an important distinction because it specifies the mode of connection. To me, it matters that they have two halves of a whole given to each of them, as opposed to, “the chosen one + his sidekick with a little extra OFA boost.” This puts them on equal ground, and it implies that the closer they become, the stronger One for All will be against All for One. It promises that these two idiots who have been toeing around each other and leaving things unspoken for so long will have to really face the facts of their relationship.

One last thing: you might be wondering why the other vestiges apparently haven’t picked up on what’s going on and told Izuku. Well, Yoichi may have felt it? (Where has he been?) But also, Toshinori is the only one directly involved, the only one who realizes his legacy is carried by two. Up until this point his connection to his vestige self has been limited, sort of one-way. For example, he could tell the other vestiges about his research into OFA, but in return he could only faintly pick up on things, and only while Izuku was unconscious.

The time Toshinori spent as a full vestige was brief, but I’m sure it was enough to learn some things about where the shade of himself has been. Even if I’m wrong about everything else, I bet he can give us the answers now.

[mbgcreates]

Para Siempre

(Or, Forever.)

A/N: I've just been thinking.

Dark x female reader, but written in third person. Inspired by Mark's final (?) line from his Unus Annus anniversary video in November 2023. (I've had this sitting in my drafts for half a year.) Established relationship ("wife" used for reader), so he's evolved quite a bit from the man we've seen. Contains mentions of death (no actual dying) and angst relating to such. Would this be considered mild whump? Idk. Word count: ~1300

~~

It's afternoon, this time; bright, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. It’s almost too perfect, in contrast to the activity and emotions on the ground.

What a sight he must look: glamour barely in place, wisps of shadow effervescing from him as he rushes to the place where, not all that long ago, the soil was freshly turned, where reality and dirt set in. Now, grass has made the space its home, the patches from years past but a memory. Flowers perch in a holder on the headstone, preserved and immortal. He made sure of that.

They are accompanied by regular flowers, although whether from the funeral home or loved ones, he does not have any way of knowing. These look relatively fresh, and he lets himself believe it was their family. It assuages his guilt.

Dark looks human again by the time he arrives at the gravestone, once more the age he had put forth for over a hundred years—although, perhaps, aged just a little. He can't bring himself to look exactly the same, not when it's been many years since he looked young. Not when it reminds him of when he met her.

He kneels down after a few moments, a more controlled movement than one might expect after his rushing around. He worries not about his suit; even if grass stains weren’t anything more than an inconvenience for someone like him, he wouldn’t care. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s here, where she is.

Was.

It is human, to grieve—it was not something he expected to affect him ever again, and certainly not in such an intense way, and absolutely not for this long. But he is nothing but intense with everything, especially regarding her.

She had not been opposed to cremation, but he, the selfish entity he is, persuaded her into a traditional burial. He couldn’t bear the thought of his wife going up in flames, even if she no longer had any need of the flesh she once occupied. He could barely bear the fact that she was gone.

He brushes his thumb over the grooves in the stone, the ones delineating her name for all who seek her. A name that once was whispered reverently, said lovingly to the one whom it belonged to. A name that once laughed often, talked and listened, one who existed with him. Who wanted him. Him.

It could have been forever. But humans are not made for forever on earth, physically or mentally. They both knew what her decision would be, long before it came time…but that didn't make it any less difficult.

He can recall so clearly her smile, worn by time but no less beautiful, as he kept her company in the waning days, and he asked her again, hoping she would change her mind, this time. That death would not let them part.

That smile of hers was melancholic and her eyes pained that he would ask this of her again. “I don’t know that I could bear it,” she said, the words the same as last time, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “It would be selfish of us, amor. Hubris, even.”

“No more pain. You will be young again.” Even as he spoke, he could feel her stubbornness through their bond. “Stay with me.”

She was trying not to cry. He hated that he made her sad. “You know I always will be.” Her hand pressed against his chest, where his heart mimicked a pulse. “Para siempre.”

Her words ring clearer than ever in his mind, as if she were saying it directly to him again; but despite its fidelity, it’s a pale imitation to actually hearing her. Just like any illusion he could conjure would be a cheap imitation of her presence; it only instead brings back the pain.

There’s a tug within his essence, separate from his emotions, that makes itself known: an unwanted urge to leave. “It’s not fair,” he mutters. The last thing he wants to do is to leave her here alone. It's the same sentiment he has every time he has to go: He could spend all eternity here, at her grave, while the world turns and crumbles. Even forever would never be enough. But the void calls him back, forcing him to return. He doesn't care anymore if he dissipates, but the pull is too strong to resist; the very fiber of his being physically does not allow him to.

Obsidian presses his hand against the stone marker, mirroring her action from years ago. He reads it over again like it was the first time, as if he is trying to memorize words that are already emblazoned into his memory. The sensation of water collecting by his eyes is welcomed.

“I will be on time next year. I promise.”

Scotched, weathered landscapes, whipped by irradiated storms, stretches as fast as the eye can see. The soil, stripped bare of even a fraction of a sign of life, nonetheless holds the little memorial, clinging to what remains as if out of stubbornness. Long ago has everything else turned to dust…except for this. This, which that entity, now more creature than man, is now greeted by; what he will be greeted by in the time to come, until the very rock and core of the planet disintegrate into shards, and then into nothingness.

He can't remember when he came here last. For him, it had been an exact year, just as it had been all the years prior, when he kept his promise each time. How could this world and its time have become so detached from his own? How could he have missed the signs?

A multitude of eyes blink down at the monument, the shadowy mass from which they originate almost melancholic, if one could assign an emotion to the form. It reaches out to the stone, an incorporeal limb passing right through it. With effort, the entity dredges up the desire to become solid and tries again, this time succeeding in making contact. He caresses the headstone, fingers—he has fingers now, subconsciously formed—tracing over the worn spaces where letters were once chiseled.

This could be his last time here. With how eroded the stone is, it's likely it doesn't have many years left in it. He doesn't want to consider that. The Dark doesn't want to consider that the last tangible piece of the one whom he loved might not be here, next time. He's lucky enough it's lasted this long, even though it was by design, but it always felt like an impossibility. But, over the course of many lifetimes, one learns that few things truly are impossible.

The wind that slams into his form ought to sting in a way only intense, constant radiation can, but he cannot feel it, despite how badly he wants to feel the pain. He is beyond it now; only physical altercations with his enemy cause him any damage, and those clashes are becoming less and less frequent. The man within must be finally, finally tiring—or maybe, that’s just him. Maybe, it’s moments like this, where memories are really becoming the only things left of the one whom he loved, that are wearing on him. What is the point anymore, after all? When vengeance is ever escaping his grasp, how much longer can he really act the part?

Long ago, he had wished he could be lain here, keeping her company, so he wouldn’t have to continue on pretending. He was able to pretend, after a while, that was exactly what happened…his own name, next to hers until the end of time, was then etched onto the very headstone that he would come to see for nearly every year for thousands of years. He allowed them to “bury” him, an inert doppleganger that disappeared once the soil had returned into the space it previously occupied. The entity once known as Darkiplier was jealous of the doppleganger, even with the brevity of its situation, because it experienced what he could not.

And now, here, in the barren wasteland, he decides he’s ready. He’s so, so damn ready. If, after this, the planet itself is no more, then why even bother?

The formless entity “kneels” down slowly, sinking heavily against the headstone, as if the weight of his many lifetimes are now weighing upon him. All the eyes shut in unison. He feels, for the briefest of moments, a small hand rest on his shoulder, then a body wrapping around his, and a peace that he hasn't felt in millennia washes over him.

And he lets go.

[soapdispensersalesman]

Randomly remembered that time in theatre school when we had the opportunity to get a scholarship for an international internship/trajectory abroad and me feeling more I'm being myself in English, I've always wanted to do theatre in the UK.

I managed to find a theatre school in the UK that had an introduction to acting course within the period for the internship, realistic budget planning, and I even wrote an entire spoken word poem about my dreams, and I was denied the scholarship.

Not because my pitch wasn't convincing, but because "they felt like it wasn't the place for me", finding the acting course below my level, then said they would've approved it if I chose something more spoken word oriented because that's what I was good at

This logic in theatre school pissed me off so many times! It's no secret that I'm not a good actor, my dream was never to become a super dramatic versatile stage actor, my dream was to have my pwn multi-camera sitcom with canned laughter, and I still would love to have that even though it's no longer my dream. For me those shows are absolutely heaven. Unfortunately, I grew up in the Netherlands who are incapable of anything remotely decent film-wise, I don't have wealthy family members or any luxurious nepotistic connections (No one alive from my grandfather's generation or their children's children has any relationship to the modern day industry or connections that could help me out), and I certainly do not have the funds or paperwork to move to the UK to attend theatre school.

Anyways as I'm clearly getting too emotional to properly formulate my argument chronologically, I was annoyed by the fact that I came to theatre school to learn about acting, was constantly being denied the opportunity to learn acting! Sure I've spoken to teachers and we've tried making it work, but it was too difficult for them to work with a student with autism as I've always described it as "wanting to become a writer with dyslexia" (My teacher who's a writer and dyslexic did not agree with my analogy lol)

Even though I wasn't good at acting, I was very good at the circus subjects such as juggling which the teachers kept trying to convince me to pursue that as well as spoken word because they saw I was good at that. idk what a "juggling career" looks like, I still implement my spoken word skills into my music when I'm not dealing with writer's block, but generally those things have never been my passions like that. Matter of fact, if by their logic, I should've pursued something I was already good at, I wouldn't have dropped out of my media design major where I was very skilled and confident, just not happy because my goal was never to become a designer of some sort.

Funny thing was that despite the fact I was not a good actor, I was the most consistent actor getting cast in films and performances LMAO

Needed to get this off my chest, I often deal with these theatre school flashbacks and sadly due to my elephant memory, these things just keep haunting my mind no matter how many times I "let go" or move on.

Still would love to do a theatre project in the UK though (or a television sitcom, but with today's media landscape it feels better to not rely on television networks or production companies anymore, especially streaming platforms. I'd have to build it myself if I want it the way I like)

[woodsfae]

B5 s03e13 A Late Delivery From Avalon table of contents - previous episode

B5 has money problems now that they're semi-independent from Earth. They should consider bringing back the merchandising. :P

Interesting dream sequence. Vision? I suspect we'll find out who this dream having person is in this episode. If he's been introduced already in the show, I can't recall it.

Oh. OH! I'm here for Marcus being friends with Dr Franklin. They seem sweet together. idk what it is about these actors in this show, but their emotions absolutely radiate sincerity.

Ah, the dude having a vision claims that he's King Arthur! If we're about to dip into the high fantasy side of B5 then we're in for a good time. What a hilarious concept, though - King Arthur in space!!

Hm, Marcus is very good with King Arthur. Who speaks perfect modern english and is 1700 years out of time and place. It could have been the Vorlons like with Jack the Ripper, but he knew where he came from and had a reason to be speaking modern English - the Vorlons kept him educated.

Arthur escaped the medical bay and went straight for the saddest, oldest lady in the Down Below. I'm inclined to like him! And to think that he is, somehow, Arthur, even if only in spirit.

G'Kar is so awesome. See someone kicking the shit out of assholes, join in when asshole reinforcements join up. One of King Arthur's new 23rd century knights? And he is! G'Kar is so socially intelligent and so charming. What a great duo they are: King Arthur and Sir G'Kar the Red Knight!

Dang, mental note: make a gif of G'Kar standing up then passing the fuck out. That was funny as hell. Also, I appreciate that Arthur said Gawain used to do that, because I had thought to myself that G'Kar could be the 23rd century Gawain!

Dr Franklin found Arthur's dna match in an Earthforce soldier! And he doesn't recognize a photo of himself. He was at the Battle of the Line, got a medal for valor, and was honorably discharged. But he was on the first ship to encounter the Minbari, the Prometheus. The one that started the war with Minbar, and by the cut of the flashback, Arthur was the person manning the gun who fired on the ship. And then fought in the war all the way through, survived a suicide mission and was discharged.

This begs the question: where did he get the armor and sword? Was he coincidentally a really big Arthuriana buff or did he have to study up?

Marcus was right: confronting him with the information did great harm. And also, Dr Franklin isn't a psychologist. I'm pretty sure that wasn't best practice for such a sensitive topic. And now King Arthur is catatonic! But we need him more than ever in these divided times. :(

G'Kar as Gawain, Dr Franklin as Bedivere, and Delenn as the Lady of the Lake. That's pretty beautiful, actually. Which knight does Marcus get to be? He seems like a Galahad to me.

This is more proof of my Delenn-as-a-telepath theory. She's just involved in so much telepathic and mystical shit, it seems like she must have at least some low level skills.

I can't take any joy in Garibaldi fucking with people when he's such a dick in the first place. He's just a petty asshole who's nice to the people he likes. And that's not the type of person I get along with.

I fully support King Arthur joining the Narnuan resistance. Seems like a place he'll thrive, whether or not he can remember his Earthforce memories very well.

ngl I think he is Arthur. Reincarnated, maybe.

Bester is back in the next!

[adaiasboots]

agreed. it really felt like a linked episode with two people who don't speak the same language… which is wild bc I really liked koro's!! 😭

(my complaining got too long-winded so I'm shoving it under the cut)

but idk man. there was zero connection between makoto & takaya whatsoever. which is like. yeah, I know that there shouldn't be!!

but consequently most of the LE felt like nothing to me.

I walked away from every LE like, "ok...?"

and this is coming from a foremost lover of takaya who did manage to find small bits of dialogue that I enjoyed, hidden in his LEs.

(primarily how salty takaya is about anything that disrespects the deaths of the test subjects that came before SEES; iirc makoto's perceived indifference to the sacrifices of all the other kids ended up being the reason that takaya realized he could never be on the same side as makoto. unavoidable battle. etc, etc.)

overall tho, takaya never opened up to makoto or explained anything in any way that matters, which would have made players more sympathetic to strega.

because ok, yeah, ofc takaya wouldn't open up to makoto.

takaya is wholly against SEES & what SEES wants to do, unlike akechi who is conflicted inside.

like, initially takaya entertains the notion of being friendly with makoto bc takaya believes that there's inherent meaning in which people fate chooses to bless with a persona. and makoto has been blessed with many personas, so takaya wants to understand why.

he doesn't connect to or like makoto as a person, clearly.

additionally, takaya would sooner cut his arm off rather than recount a maudlin sob story (his own past, lol). bc he's soooo over it. (he isn't.) and the past doesn't bother takaya anymore. (it does.)

so the LE was a faulty premise from the start imo.

like, idk!! I know some people who enjoyed takaya's LE bc it reinforces takaya's place as a narrative foil/"false messiah", but I personally didn't need that. that always seemed obvious from the original P3.

and in light of all the "usual" relationship-with-the-protag tropes that takaya would never participate in, it felt like the LE progression pretty much kept me waiting for the "oh shit" moment & we just… never got one.

there was no payoff.

(unless you count takaya's extra theurgy moment, which imo didn't need a LE to happen at all, seeing as jin's extra phase happened without a LE.)

and maybe that's a "me" issue?? bc at the end of the day, I don't want yet another rival character for my shounen protagonist.

I wanted the only GROUP of persona-user antagonists to have better representation, not a limp attempt to make takaya on his own more like the P4/P5 antagonists.

imo takaya is special bc he ISN'T a lone wolf, like adachi & akechi are, and atlus fumbled that in his LE.

in contrast, jin's 10/31 speech was the one added dialogue that was thoroughly AMAZING, bc it shows a completely different side of this character & how he values his memories with takaya & chidori.

in that one scene, it's made obvious (& even justified imo) why jin doesn't want the dark hour to disappear, which was never explicit before P3R. jin's desire to keep his bittersweet memories at all costs, bc they define who he is, plays heavily into the "value of memories" motif that is omnipresent throughout the persona series.

(altho unfortunately most players didn't absorb anything jin said, bc they still claim that jin makes no sense & he only opposes SEES bc takaya does 🙄)

but that's why we needed more elucidating scenes like 10/31, and not less. and takaya's LE unfortunately added almost nothing elucidating... which is sadly why I'd have to agree that most of it was a waste of time.

there are some fun moments, but it's mostly just filler.

esp after the promo trailers included jin's new lines, I ended up so disappointed that that was THE ONLY INSTANCE where they added deep, emotional dialogue like that for strega.

takaya getting interested in protagonist in reload was so forced and awkward. they had zero chemistry, it was the same repeating monologue. his whole linked episode was a total failure in my eyes. so many missed opportunities.

[moon-ager]

Last time i remember spending time with my aunt C., in her beautiful under-the-roof wooden flat in the middle of nowhere, near a cow-farm and beneath the woods, i asked her why she had a small mechanical scale, one of those that resemble a see-saw, at the top of her bookshelf in the living room. She told me it had been given to her as a birthday present, seeing as she’s a Libra. She must have asked me to remind her the date of my own birthday, which was coming up in a week or so I believe, and then whether I was going to celebrate it. “No, it’s just a day like any other,” I must have answered; because then she told me the thing that stuck with me, that bothers me now just slightly less than it did then. “That’s not true, it’s not a day like any other: it’s the day when you were born. It’s a special day”. I was not nearly close to ready to accepting or even entertaining the notion that arbitrary dates or numbers or signs can be attributed a special significance, that the practice of symbolism can exist for its own sake, for the sake of the emotional or aesthetic or spiritual (adjectives which are not so easily distinguishable now) pleasure that it affords to one. I am still wandering this desert plane (I don’t know what to call it or to describe it as), hopefully towards a less shameful-feeling acceptance of the personally mystical and mythological and expressionally absurd and “irrational”, as I’ve often found myself referring to this free space, especially when I still pictured myself stuck in an open cage. Just because rejecting the mythological at one time in the past, with that angry and rebellious radicalism i’ve fortunately surpassed but unfortunately forgotten (how much of this past self-image am i making up incorrectly?) – just because that skeptical and absolute rejection was a necessary step towards the conquest of the freedom of untainted doubt and subsequent own-thinking, does not mean i should remain ashamed of this desire for symbolism i’ve developed along the way. This is in itself a phase of that still-unravelling journey, however long it wants to last or however intensely it wants to be felt or wherever else on this spectrum it will lead me to. I will strive to accept this part of me without intellectual shame or fears of self-deception and dishonesty. There is nothing wrong with the creation of a personal pantheon of symbols.

Perhaps what bothered me about my aunt’s statement was the envy I felt, that she’d reached a place of spontaneous (so to say, although it must have been anything but, diachronically-speaking) symbolic imbuement, while i was still so stubbornly unyielding to any current of whimsical lightness.

[ezlo-x]

god ok i need to get it off my mind or it will eat me alive or I will forget my actual thoughts abt it sooo here I go

Hi...soo this is me talking abt the current Dragon Tears that I obtained. Yesterday I got Dragon tear #5 and today I managed to get #6 and #7 and...yeah. I was originally planning to hold on my thoughts until I completed the Gerudo Region but what I saw in those memories I have things to say and idk how long it would take me to complete it so I'm starting with the dragon tear memories. (also sadly no in-game/cutscene screenshots this time around cause I kept forgetting and didn't took any </3)

So Tear #5 we got more to "know" abt Ganondorf. Where he apologizes abt what he did in Tear #4 to Rauru and Sonia. And I think I'm just going to share what I said last night abt it

Sooo I wasn't expecting this type of writting with Ganondorf. I obviously sound very emotional in these messages cause I was heading straight to sleep after I got the cutscene, I don't think totk Ganondorf is worse than oot Ganondorf. I think he's a different kind of badly written meanwhile with OoT I can cut him some slack where he's technically the first Ganondorf from an old console game yada yada. Also worldbuild of Zonai?? No? Ganondorf is just gonna casually throw that dialogue that Zonai were once gods or smth like that and never mention it again ok. And like I said in those messages I think what Ganondorf said abt Rauru marrying Sonia was so ughhhhhhhhhh like really? We're gonna make him racist cause you couldn't add depth to a villain really? And his motives abt wanting to become king is just...that he has no motives he has no reason on why he wants to do it just cause he's EVILLLL and he has EVILLL intentions OOOOOOOOOOO like fuck off. How is it possible that nintendo was able to give him depth in Wind Waker and then water down his character to "ummm cringe that YOU as a Zonai married a Hylian Woman you're a beta 🤓" Nintendo says, "we don't want people to like him or find him interesting he's the bad guy! make him say something racist and give him no clear motive on why he wants to do what he wants to do he's EVILLL you're not supposed to root for him!!"

But sure give him no motive on why he wants to do this other than being evil. Nintendo is honestly better off writing comedic villains with dark lore (Kohga) I knew that they would never reach WW Ganondorf levels of good but from what im seeing like wooowww

anyways to add a glimpse of hope Tear #6 came clutch w Sonia and Rauru. I loved the dynamic they both have with Zelda they're like parents to her...wah and I simply adored how Sonia mentions Link like a mother asking for who's that cute boy you've been talking to? and Rauru being so curious to meet him. This memory was so cute I would love to wish blissful of this family living happily.

Final memory I currently got is Tear #7 and ohhhhh this is the one that just drained me.

So Sonia dies, I was honestly like surprised or shocked idk I was not expecting it good ol gotcha moment. and YES I SAW GANONDORF'S NASTY SMILE THAT ACTUALLY FREAKED ME OUT LIKE EW

AND I was sad that we're not going to see Sonia anymore rlly loved her I was hoping for more of her as a character. But yeah I was in shambles when that cutscene happened, like once I got the cutscene I just closed the game cause I just wanted to process what happened.

And that is all I have, sorry if I sound more pessimistic and negative this time around. Just realizing where they are going with Ganondorf just put me into the 10 stages of grief. Looking forward more to the story and the characters just not Ganondorf

[theyreonlynoodlesmike]

ok but what if: tommy angst where reader is the one possessed?? like they are dating and tommy has to kill them(or they kill him idk) and it's just. The Big Sad™️ I think it would be a good opportunity to write in his pov and maybe headcanon some things that go on in his life (cause obvi he got shit goin on since he a shadysider)

also: so glad to see you are back and I hope school is going good! I manifest good grades & positive vibes for you💓

"Hi! Do you mind doing a request about Tommy slater and reader where the reader and Tommy are together, and they both go with Alice and Arnie and finds readers name on the wall. Plz and thank you!" -anon

Thank you so much btw!!! Hope you enjoy!!

Carved in Stone (Tommy Slater x Possessed!Reader)

Warnings: character death, angst, blood mention, blood description, violence/gore, some sad shit supreme, light headcanons about Tommy's life, acceptance of death

Word Count: 1.3k

One way or another, you’re going to die tonight.

That’s what Nurse Lane had said before she came at you with a knife. It was one of the things that kept swirling in your mind, one of the whispered voices. Just those words were creepy enough, and it was no wonder they kept sticking in your mind. You thought maybe it was because you’d hit your head that the other voices came, that maybe you should’ve taken up the officers offer to go to the hospital. But, ending up in the same psych ward they were probably sending Nurse Lane? No, thank you. So, you’d decided to stay at camp. And, now, you were being dragged through the woods by your friends and your boyfriend. Yeah, perfect.

You swatted at the fly buzzing around you as you found a place to sit in the creepy hole Alice had found. Your head hurt, and you rubbed at your forehead absently before you felt a hand on your shoulder.

“You okay?” Tommy asked, and you gave him a nod. You attempted a smile, but you were sure it came off as more of a grimace. Even in the dark, you could see the worry in Tommy’s eyes as he said, “We can head back-” But you waved your hand, shook your head.

“No, no- I’m just gonna sit for a bit.” You told him, and both of your heads turned when you heard Alice and Arnie let out an excited sound. It seemed like they’d found something. “Go ahead.” You told him and waved him towards the hole in the wall, and Tommy, your sweet Tommy, hesitated for a moment before he gave you a nod and went to follow them into the room they found.

You watched his retreating figure, before you slapped your arm, killing the fly that landed on it.

***

"Alice, this- this isn't funny. They're gonna freak if they see this." Tommy said, exasperation edging his tone. As much as he wanted to come down here and find the witch, he wasn't trying to get in trouble with you.

You already weren't having a good time. You'd hit your head when Nurse Lane had attacked you, and you seemed to barely be trudging along with them. Arnie had even gone to check on you. But, you were being a good sport and Tommy didn't want to reward that with your name carved in some creepy wall.

"Uh, dumbass, do you think I carved their name into solid stone with my fingernails?" She asked, and Tommy furrowed his brow at her, then looked at the name. If Alice hadn't written your name then...

Tommy stared at you as you turned around. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He'd called your name, watched you approach one of your friends with a- He could barely even process it as he yelled when you swung. You'd just- you'd just axed Arnie in the face.

And your face was covered in his blood as your eyes met his. They were cold and hard, not a thing like the looks you gave him. You looked like you, but this- This wasn't you. Alice was already screaming besides him, and Tommy could hear himself screaming,

"Fuck! Go, go, go," It was a blur as he moved, but he was pushing Alice back into the room they found. The only thing he could think to do was get him and Alice as far away from you as possible.

They climbed through the hole, and they looked around. They were trapped. It was stone all around, with only a little bookshelf, an altar, next to one of the walls.

"What do we do?" Alice screamed, and Tommy looked to her. His first instinct had been to run, but now? He glanced back to the hole, to where you were ducking into the room. There was only one option as to what they needed to do, even if Tommy didn't want to do it.

"Babe, it's me." He started. He didn't know where he was going, what he was going to say. He tried to hold out his hands, to calm you down, but he watched how your grip changed. "It's me!" He yelled.

His memory flashed back for a moment, to all his baseball practices. To the times where you came to his games, to when he took you to the batting cages and showed you how to properly hold a bat. How to properly swing. He remembered the feeling of the hot sun on the back of his neck, the feeling of a ball in his hand. Winding up to send the pitch, and you- You getting ready to swing.

He pushed himself forward and grabbed the handle before you could finish winding up. Tommy pushed you back, knocking you back against the stone of the wall. He pushed you hard, using as much strength as he could manage. It was a split second thing, his own need for survival overshadowing any of his other concerns. They heard your head hit the stone of the wall, a sickening crack that tore right through whatever haze of adrenaline had consumed him.

It tore through him and sank in the pit of his stomach like a rock. He watched your eyes, the blankness in them, fade away. He watched you stumble, lose your grip for a moment, before you said,

"Tommy?" And then your knees buckled.

He caught you, and you were dead-weight in his arms. He reached to support the back of your head, and pulled it away when he felt something hot and wet. His hand glistened with your blood, and panic surged through him. His grip changed as you fell against him, and he sunk to his knees as he cradled you.

"No, no, no," He started, watching how your mouth fell open, how far off you looked. "Hey, hey! It's me, just focus on me. We're gonna- We're gonna get you some help-" Tommy hiccuped. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want his emotions to get the best of him. He'd just- He'd just been trying to stop you. He hadn't meant to push you that hard.

You were the best thing he had. His life was never-ending stress, a constant push towards neverending goals. College, jobs, whatever. The only good thing out of all of that was that, maybe, he'd get to start his family with you. That you'd be there with him. He didn't care if that was in Shadyside or any other town. As long as you were with him he thought, maybe, it'd be fine. Maybe it'd be worth all the work.

But, he watched as you looked up at him, an almost empty sort of smile crossing your face for a moment.

Distantly, you thought about what Nurse Lane said. One way or another, you're going to die tonight. You felt as if your head had been submerged underwater, like Tommy had pulled you up for you to catch a breath. You knew what you'd done, what the fog washing over you was trying to get you to do. And, you didn't want to.

If it had to end, you wanted it to end like this. So, you didn't fight. You didn't hold on. You looked up at Tommy, even as tears streamed down his face. You wanted to comfort him, but you couldn't bring yourself back to the surface. If you were going to drown whatever was inside of you, you had to drown with it.

Tommy watched as you fell unconscious, and, even as he carried you back and got you help, part of him knew- part of him knew that you weren't going to make it. It was a sinking feeling in his chest, heavy and solid. Like he'd swallowed stones, only for them to sit in his stomach. Your fate was like your name- carved in stone.

[sugarybitterness]

teenage dream - natasha romanoff x reader

request; hi!!! idk if you are taking song requests, but could I request some nat x reader based on teenage dream by katy perry??

word count; 1,386

warnings; black widow spoilers!! mentions of past abuse, trauma and experimentation

a/n; tooth rotting fluff bcs i am forever and always soft for natasha romanoff!! hope y’all enjoy this~ feedback is always appreciated <3

i know you get me, so i let my walls come down // you brought me to life

growing up as a hydra experiment meant you had a pretty nonexistent childhood. the team believed that it was your shared lack of childhood that allowed you and natasha to be so close. the team weren’t all wrong, the fact that both of you had a similar past definitely helped you have a deep mutual understanding of each other. but it was also the thrill of it all, because when you were together, you both felt so free, so alive. you felt things for and with natasha that you never even knew the name of.

natasha has seen you at your worst, literally. beaten and close to death in a hydra cell was not the kind of first impression you’d wish to have with anyone. you’ve seen her at her worst too, when she’s so overcome with emotions that her automatic response was to shut down. but you never pushed, you just made sure you were there, ready to give her whatever she needed or wanted. turns out a lot of times she just wanted to be held, your arms were her safe space. both of you had your walls built high but when it was just the two of you, the walls came tumbling down and you knew that no one else would see you like natasha did.

now every february you’ll be my valentine // no regrets, just love

you used to hate february, because it was the month you got adopted by hydra agents with the promise of a family but instead you were made into an experiment. ironically, you were saved on the 14th of february, something you didn’t learn until you were dragged out by natasha to go shopping for a gift for yourself. she explained that she wanted to commemorate the one year mark of you being rescued and joining SHIELD, who were you to say no? as if you could ever say no to natasha to begin with.

you ended up getting your ears pierced and went home with a pair of emerald green gem earrings which reminded you of natasha’s eyes. you never took them off, not until she gave you another pair of earrings a year later, just that it was no longer just the anniversary of you meeting, it was also a valentine’s day gift. it became a trend, for her to get you earrings every year on the 14th of february. except for the one year she pulled out a ring whilst on one knee to propose. of course you said yes, no regrets, no hesitation because it was natasha and when you were with natasha all you could feel was love.

you and i, will be young forever // you make me feel like i’m living a teenage dream

it was safe to say that your inner child came out when with natasha. with the others, you were always hesitant to act out that way in fear of being judged. but for some reason unknown to you, it was never like that with natasha. while the red room took away most of the redhead’s childhood, natasha clung to several memories from her time in ohio or when she was sent undercover for certain missions as child. she knew that unlike her, you were kept in a cell, the most normal thing you experienced was the classes you had with other kids, kids who eventually didn’t survive hydra’s experiments.

so natasha made it a point to do things with you, bringing you to amusement parks, arcades and all the fun things you had missed out on. not only does she enjoy seeing your childlike wonder, being able to bask in such moments of normalcy feels like a dream most days.

let’s run away and don’t ever look back

loud laughter echoed through the halls as you ran away from wanda who was hot on your tail. you had stumbled onto her cuddling into vision, fast asleep whilst the android was watching a sitcom. you had snapped a picture but accidentally left the flash on, so now wanda was chasing you down to get you to delete said picture.

you made a sharp turn and collided straight into natasha who was quick to steady you. when you heard your best friend’s shouts way too close for your liking, you hurried behind natasha, using her as a human shield. wanda rounded the corner and she gulped visibly when she natasha standing there, an amused smile on her face.

“natttt, y/n took an unflattering picture of me!” wanda whined as she glared at you. you rolled your eyes in response.

“it was a cute picture!” you defended yourself, arms snaking around your fiancée’s waist, knowing wanda wouldn’t dare cross the redhead. natasha just shook her head as she prepared to play peacemaker between the two of you, this happened more times than she could count but she also knew you and wanda would go back to normal within a couple hours or so. the two of you always acted like siblings, teasing each other and getting the other riled up.

my heart stops when you look at me

it was finally the day. after months of planning and praying that no alien invasion would disrupt your wedding, you were finally getting married to natasha. it was a simple ceremony, just the two of you and the avengers family as well as natasha’s family. when natasha received the strange red color vials from yelena, she was quick to track down her younger sister. much to the team’s annoyance, natasha insisted that she wanted to do it alone only allowing you to tag along because god knows what you would’ve done if natasha snuck out behind your back. you and yelena became fast friends, and after the red room was properly destroyed she was recruited into the avengers.

now, as clint walked you out of the back door of tony’s lake house to where the ceremony was being held in his backyard, you could’ve sworn your heart stopped in that very moment. natasha was dressed in a beautiful white dress, it was simple and fit her body beautifully. natasha took one look at you and willed herself not to cry, you looked absolutely breathtaking and she couldn’t believe that you were hers.

i finally found you, my missing puzzle piece // i’m complete

the ceremony went smoothly, and now it was time for the vows. natasha gave hers first, and her grip on your hands was tight as she spoke. when she was done, you were quick to pull her hands up to your lips to plant a soft kiss on her knuckles. taking a deep breath, you started on your own vows.

“natasha romanoff, i vow to be with you through all the good and the bad. to be with you at our happiest times and also at our lowest. you saved me all those years ago, at a point in time where i thought that being in a cell was going to be all my future had to offer. you saw something in me that not even i could see, you believed in me when i didn’t even believe myself. everyday, you continue to save me, love me and for that i am so eternally thankful. i finally found the one person that makes life worth living, you’re the one that makes everything make sense, you are my missing puzzle piece. you complete me in a way i never thought plausible. so thank you for never giving up on me and i vow to be with you through it all, to always be with you whenever you need me. to make you your coffee just the way you like it or tea if it’s late and you want to relax. i will always treasure you and love you, thank you for being my everything, for forever and always.”

when the pastor finally pronounced you two as married, you met in a sweet kiss, tears slipping down both your cheeks.

in a lifetime where it felt like love and a life such as this was simply a dream, the two of you found each other and made dreams become a reality.

[lavenderjacobs]

fluff alphabet - Sapnap

➳ wc; 2,1K (she’s a long one lol)  ➳ pronouns; gender neutral<3 ➳ song reccomendation; heart eyes - coin

A=Attractive (What do they find most attractive in a partner?)

nick’s an ass guy and you can’t convince me otherwise. he’s also just loves your thighs and your stomach. he loves how soft your skin is, and how good you smell. whenever he’s sad he just rests his head on your stomach while you tangle you fingers in his hair. 

B=Best memory (Their favourite memory of you)

he cherishes your first kiss so much. he just has such a soft spot for that memory. the moment he finally found out you felt the same about him, the moment he finally found out what your lips against his felt like. it’s just something he had looked forward to for forever, and to him, it was perfect. 

C=Cuddles  (What type of cuddles do they like?)

sapnap is a WHORE for cuddles. if it where up to him, you two would just lay in bed all day, tangled in each other’s arms. after a long day, he just wants to hold his favourite person and fall asleep with them, so he just wraps his arms around your waist while he uses your chest as a pillow. but if he’s in a chatty mood, he’ll just talk your ears off, ranting about something he finds interesting, while you’re all snuggled up in the crook between his neck and shoulder. 

D=Dirty mind (Do they have a dirty mind?)

I mean, come on. it’s sapnap. we all know he does. he gets *excited* very easily, which can sometimes get in the way when you two are just trying to cuddle. he just has such a soft spot for your body and has to have his way with you once certain ideas have entered his mind. 

E=Effort (How much effort do they put in the relationship?)

nick would definitely try his best. honestly you don't care if his plans actually turn out the way he intented them to, it's the thought that counts. and nick knows that. but theres just something about you that makes him want to spoil you and treat you like a princess. so prepare yourself for fancy dates, him making you your favorite food, all that type of stuff.

F=First date (What was your first date together)

arcade date arcade date arcade date. sap is super competitive and I feel like he would thrive in an arcade. he would play it off like he was just trying to proof how good he was at the arcade games. but he'd just love to see how hard you would be trying to beat him. obviously he'd let you win a lot, and when he collected enough tickets, he would get you the biggest prize he could find.

G=Gentle (How gentle are they with you?)

it....depends???? lmao. nick CAN be super gentle with you, he’s pretty protective of you and would never want you to get hurt, so he’s definitely very careful not to do anything to hurt you. but sometimes his instinct just kinda takes over and well, he can get pretty rough. 

H=Hands (Do they have nice hands?)

hmmm nick has like,,very manly hands,, if you know what i mean. i dont know, they're just so rough but yet so pretty??? and they're like really big compared to yours so when he holds ur hand, yours looks so tiny in his. and omg he won't shut up about it. "LOOK AT YOUR HANDS THEY'RE SO SMALL🥺"

I=Impression (What was their first impression?)

he just thought you were so ~cool~. like he immediately knew he wanted to be your friend. he was just so in awe of how funny, chill and charismatic you were. and it literally took two days for him to develop a crush on you. his friends would notice this right away and tease him about it so much omg.

J=Jealousy (Do they get jealous often? If so what do they do?)

YUP. nick gets jealous so easy yup yup yup. jealousy, protectiveness, possessiveness, you name it. you two would often get in fights about this, but most of the time you would just think it’s cute how riled up he gets. he doesn’t get mad at you (because you’re his precious little baby and can do no wrong in his eyes :D) but god help the souls of whoever tries to flirt with you, because they’ve got a hell of a storm coming.

K=Kisses (What type of kisses do they like/give?)

god nick’s such a passionate kisser. or at least he can be lol. he loves the way your face fits into his hands, and how soft your lips are. so he definitely is a fan of just some wholesome passionate kisses. but damn this man gets sloppy when he wants to. his lips constantly trails off to your jaw, neck and collar bones.

L=Love  (Do they show their love?)

i feel like his love language would be like a mix between words of affection and physical touch??? he’s definitely very verbal with his love for you. he doesn’t shy away from saying i love you or letting you know how much he appreciates you in any other way.

M=Memory: (Their favourite memory in general?)

there are certain moments where nick just sits back, watches, and realizes how amazing his life is. and how grateful he is to have you. for example, you were playing minecraft on his pc, and your house kept getting blown up by creepers, he found it adorable how mad you got every time. he just watched you play, while sitting on his bed. after a while, you looked over at him, and caught him staring. “what?” you asked after letting out a soft chuckle. he felt like he was gonna explode from how much he loved you. 

N=Nickname  (What nicknames do they call you?)  

i’m getting very strong “baby” and “doll” vibes from nick. he loves baby-ing you and smothering you with other loving nicknames. just any petnames that show how much he loves you he’s all for. he would also love calling you “pretty” or “beautiful” for obvious reasons. 

O=Over  (What happened the one time you ‘broke up��?)

nick HATES fighting with you, but once you two get into an argument he can get pretty carried away. he’s definitely the type to let his emotions get the upper hand on him. raising his voice a lot, stuff like that. but the second you leave to get some space he just breaks down. sliding down the wall and resting his face in his hands, just letting all the emotions out. he never meant to hurt you. when you came back to him, ready to be enclosed in his arms again, he had a hard time letting you back in. he just felt like he didn’t deserve you after he treated you like this. it took some convincing, but once you broke down his walls again, it was like he gave you all the love in his body. just smothering you with “i’m sorry”s and kisses. 

P=Parents (What would they be like as a parent?)

dilfnap dilfnap dilfnap  omg he’d be such a good dad. like just very caring and loving, but also strict and stern when he needs to be. he’d constantly be telling stories to the kids about the absurd adventures him and his friends would get into, and omg the dad jokes he’d make. idk maybe it’s my daddy issues but dad sapnap lives in my mind rent free. 

Q=Quirk (Something special about them)

he loves holding your hand. especially in public. if you’re in a crowded space, he just holds onto you very tightly as not to lose you. or if you two are just going on a walk together, his hands would just feel so warm and soft around yours. and omg he loves it when his hands are in his pockets, and you put your hands in there with him, and intertwine your fingers with his. hmmm he gets so soft when you do that.

R=Romantic (How romantic are they?)

i- uh- I MEAN HE WOULD TRY he really would, and again, that’s all that matters. I feel like he would be the type to try to prepare a whole surprise dinner, he would cook all the food himself, he would set the table all cute, with candles and shit, but just completely ruin the surprise by accidentally giving it all away by saying something or just behaving very obviously suspicious. 

S=Sad (What are they like when they’re sad?)

he just gets really quiet. he would never want to bother you or be a pain in the ass by complaining to you. but obviously you notice when something is wrong with ur bby boy. a sentence like “are you okay?” or “what’s wrong?” would immediately send him over the edge, burying his face in your chest, trying his best to supress his sobs. but he eventually calms down, and once he does, he’s able to just rant to you about whatever is bothering him.

T=Together (What are they like when you’re together?)

i feel like it would really depend on his mood, like he could be either SUPER chill, just wanting to savour the time you two had together. or he could be really hyper, constantly talking, wanting to do all kinds of activities with you. he’d be the literal definition of :D

U=Understanding (How understanding and empathetic are they?)

very. i just get such empathetic vibes from him. he’s such a good listener and he’ll just listen to you talk whenever you have something to be upset about. he never invalidates your feelings and omg he’d give the best advice. 

V=Value (What do they value most about the relationship?)

he loves that he can 100% be his self around you. there’s no part of his personality that he feels like he has to hide, or tone down, whenever he’s with you. you also aspire him to be his best self, he just wants to be the best boyfriend in the world. all his friends have noticed this too, you bring out the best in him.

W=Wedding (Would they want marriage? If so what would they like?)

eh. if you’re a person who really values marriage, he’d 100% do it for you. but it’s not like he HAS to. he gets a bit scared by the idea of this whole big event, where everything is about you two, he would way rather celebrate the love you two have in the comfort of your own home, just the two of you. the one thing he would love about a wedding, would be seeing you all dolled up, walking down the aisle, omg he’d be the proudest man ever to be able to call you his.

X=X-Ray (How well can they read you?)

the SECOND you start to feel sad or depressed in any way, nick notices immediately. he knows you better than anybody else, and he knows exactly what to do to cheer you up. it’s like his superpower. if you’re feeling anxious he’ll just wrap his arms around you really tightly, holding on to you until you calm down. and when you’re sad, and in need for something to cheer you up, he’ll take you outside for a walk in the park, or he’ll just sit in bed with you, watching your favourite show. 

Y=Yuck (What they would never want in a partner)

he hates when you flirt with his friend, even when you’re very obviously joking. his jealous ass can’t deal with that lmao. he also gets super pissed when his friends make flirtatious jokes towards you, they know how much it gets on his nerves and that’s really the only reason they do it. but omg he gets so pissed when it happens. 

Zzz (How do they sleep around you?)

nick would be the cutest sleeper ever omg. he doesn’t like to admit it, but he loves being little spoon. he loves resting his head on your chest, while you play with his hair, patiently waiting for him to fall asleep. 

[lilmisswhyso]

5, 8, 11, 12

5. Song that reminds you of someone you miss?

Inkpot Gods

I learned that a friend of mine had passed away barely a week after this song came out. "If I don't make it back from where I've gone, just know I loved you all along" kind of means everything to me because of that.

8. Song that reminds you of a wonderful memory?

Marbles

ok this question is kinda hard bc I've only known about TAD for a little over a year and I haven't really like. Done Much since then lmao. But Marbles was one of the first songs I can remember really falling in love with, and it also happens to be pretty much the only TAD song to ricochet my brain back into the emotional state I was in during the months I was first discovering them. Which were honestly probably some of the worst months in my life, but this song was just so full of love, and I was pairing it with TOA stuff in my brain, which was literally the only thing keeping me afloat during a time of honest to god despair. So Marbles is just. so beloved. And it's always going to remind me of the things that kept me happy when I needed it most. 💜

11. Song that makes you hope?

omg Ruin 😭

this song!!! is Everything!!! I'm trying to put into words how hopeful and happy this song makes me but I just keep circling around to the actual lyrics, cause like. That's it!! The act of acknowledging harm, be it intentional or not, and apologizing for it. The meeting each other in the middle, and the promise to try to heal what has been damaged, even if it takes fire after fire before the foundation can stand again. Both as a song about a relationship between people, or even as a promise to do better just by oneself.... idk man this song makes me so emotional!! Like yeah, maybe I will be brave. ❤

12. Song that makes you ache?

Two Minutes

I feel like I've definitely rambled a bit about why Chords makes me ache, so I wanna appreciate the actual first TAD song that walked directly into my house and kicked me in the stomach. I like reading this song with a more hopeful undertone now with Ruin, but man... the despair this song radiated for me when i first heard it lmao. This was the song I related to the most at the time, and I was just seeing this image of the characters (a couple, a family, a single person looking in the mirror) realizing that everything they knew and cared about was slipping through their hands like sand, and nothing they did was going to stop it. It doesn't hit quite as painfully now that I am Out of that late 2021 space, but wow this one used to ache.

[yuujism]

Sun and Night. (gojo satoru x reader)

Chapter 4: Love.

← chapter 3 | chapter 5 (soon) →

| PAIRINGS: gojo satoru x gn!reader ; mentions of getou suguru x reader x gojo satoru

| WARNINGS: angst, a lil bit of hurt/no comfort, suggestive language, toxic behaviour, toxic coping mechanism, just really toxic, more angst, grammar errors, mentions of unrequited love, straight up angst

| WORD COUNT: idk lol i’ll count later

| A/N: well! this story is about to end in the next chapter and i actually like writing it but the ending uh... idk maybe some of y’all won’t like the ending bc it will probably hurt a lot... or maybe not!! also this chapter mostly looks into both satoru and the reader’s feelings but who knows lol i like ambiguity!! i hope you like it and enjoy !!

summary;

You and Satoru were in love.

You were so deeply in love, just not with each other.

Where you and Satoru found comfort in each other after the accident happened.

There was nothing.

A blink of an eye.

A shattering moment.

And the sound of your name.

There was nothing but regret when Satoru did the unthinkable, anxiety filling his body as the only thing he deemed important to hide from you was suddenly out there for your ears to hear, surprise adorning your face as your chest rised up an down with heavy breathing.

A few seconds passed, seconds that felt like hours as your eyes, open wide and cold, connected with the eyes of the man who was on top of you, the dim moonlight hitting the side of his face glistening with sweat. Nothing could’ve prepared you for what just happened, not even the familiar sensation of Satoru still inside of you.

Everything was broken now.

“I-I just...”

“I should leave.” you interrupted whatever Satoru had to say because, honestly, you didn’t want to hear it. You couldn’t hear it.

There was a brief moment of a last form of inimacy when he slipped out of you, an involuntary moan leaving both of your mouths before you could even stop it. It was an intimacy that felt awkward, like something that was suddenly thrown right into your face after months of ignoring it, and you didn’t want anything but to escape this realisation.

Stupid. You were so stupid to even think this was a good idea for both you and Satoru.

As you gathered your clothes that were all over the floor, you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him behind you, but, God, the way his gaze was burning holes onto the back of your head made you feel light-headed with nervousness.

Words were left unspoken between the walls of the still steamy room as you walked out, a low ‘I’m sorry’ reaching Satoru’s ears in form of a whisper before the sound of a door closing left him all alone with his thoughts.

“I’m such an idiot!” Hands went to cover his face as his back landed on the mattress, ashamed of his own recklessness and careless behaviour. Why did you have to apologise? To him out of all people. He should be the one swallowing his pride and ask for forgiveness. He was the one who fucked up.

Satoru knew everything was ruined now. God, if only he could forget the look on your face when your name escaped his lips. It was obvious you were shocked, scared even. You both had unwritten rules that were not supposed to be broken nor discussed, one of them being that nothing was and never would be personal or emotional between the two parties.

This should’ve ended as soon as the memories of his best friend started being replaced with memories of you.

But it felt so good. It was wrong, but it felt so good.

He felt like the biggest scum of the earth as he found the same comfort Suguru made him feel between your arms, it almost felt like he was using you. But weren’t you doing the same? Wasn’t that the whole point of this? Those questions were easy to answer: yes. You were doing the same. This was nothing but pure selfishness from the two of you but, after all, one side was always more selfish.

You were smarter. You didn’t get blinded by your own heart like Satoru did, never losing the point of this sick arrangement as your mind kept being packed with images of a certain sorcerer with long, black hair. It almost seemed as if you never really saw Satoru as himself, and that made his heart ache with pain and anger.

Because, yes, Satoru hated you the same way he hated him: he didn’t.

Idiot.

You kept ignoring Satoru in the hallways, with the only difference that, this time, it wasn’t out of hatred or a sense of uninvolvement. No, nothing like that. You were completely avoiding him at all costs. Looking down at your feet as you walked past him, as if locking eyes with him would make you relive that night. Leaving in a hurry whenever he entered the same room as you, as if his mere presence burned you. Talking quickly about the student’s missions, as if wanting to spend as little time as possible close to his presence.

He was an idiot.

The encounters between you came to a stop since that slip up, and Satoru tried his best to not think about it. About you. Please, just don’t think at all. But he couldn’t. The pictures of your body, the melody of your voice calling out for more, the softness in your fingertips as you caressed his back. He needed you back to himself and he was willing to do anything. Anything. Even if that meant burying his feelings 6 feet under the surface.

Satoru felt sorry to the memory of his best friend, and disgusted with himself. He couldn’t believe the way he thought he was above you regarding the feelings towards Suguru, reaching the point to yell at you about how you didn’t love him. Oh, how wrong he was. How wrong he was for underestimating your feelings and your will to never budge with them.

You would budge for me, though, that’s what he thought.

That’s what he confidently hoped.

It wasn’t like the mere idea of developing feelings of Satoru didn’t cross your mind. It did. Countless of times, mostly during those nights where Satoru was away in a mission or when you just didn’t feel like seeing him. Those blue eyes invaded your mind from time to time. Too bright, too confident and too different.

You still remember vividly that quick flash of his gaze piercing through your soul as you both reached that sweet high the other night. At the same time. Together. And even if you wanted to ignore it, as you selfishly always did, you knew something shifted. Wether it was in you or Satoru, no power on earth would make you discuss the newfound sensations Satoru brought along with him.

Ignorance is bliss.

A sentence that stuck with you since the day Suguru’s fate was written, deciding to apply it at everything and anything that was related to the arrangement between you and Satoru. At the beginning, it was difficult.

Ignore his large, warm hands on your skin and the tingling sensation they left behind in a fiery trail and focus on him, his image. This wasn’t him, it would never be him. But it felt real. Ignore the way his breath hit the side of your neck the same way his did, throwing you back to almost forgotten memories of silly jokes and giggles. Ignore every single detail.

Ignore him.

Suddenly, you didn’t have to put much thought into it. It started feeling easy, automatic even. You no longer had to doubt yourself or your feelings, listening to your head rather than your heart. You were certain Satoru did the the same, he was selfish enough to not think about anyone but himself, walking forward without hesitation. He didn’t think of you: he was thinking of himself, Suguru and quick pleasure. Just like you.

You wished you could’ve noticed before it was too late.

Fate always conspired against you, you already knew it, and this moment was a clear example of that. That same warm hand that made you feel reach bliss during countless of night was now firmly wrapped around your wrists, stopping you in the middle of the hallway as you made your way to your next location. You knew it was him without having to turn around. His hot touch was already engraved into your mind before you could avoid it.

“Let’s talk” It certainly wasn’t a question, words slipping out of his mouth before you could even move your hand away or create an excuse to avoid this situation. “... Please...” Satoru almost choked at the plead, as if it was the hardest thing to say after ‘I’m sorry’. He wasn’t sure how he was going to do this if he couldn’t even ask properly.

Now, you had two options: run away or accept talking with him. You knew the simplest way was running away, never getting out of your comfort zone as you left Satoru behind with whatever he had to say. But somewhere deep within you told you to listen to him, to face your feelings and suck it up for once. Just this once.

A defeating sigh came out of you as you pulled your wrist away from his grip, turning around to face him. Blue fiery eyes were now tiredly yet hopefully looking at you, waiting for whichever answer you decided on. You gulped harshly, the forming knot on your throat becoming way too uncomfortable at the thought of someone walking into this scene.

“Alright. Let’s make this quick. Follow me.”

The walk to your office was silent and filled with an awkwardness that couldn’t be fixed. When the silence and cool breeze of the walls of your space hit the both of you, it was when everything became even more strange. Being alone with Satoru in a room wasn’t a new situation, however, there were some really raw feelings accompanying you this time as your eyes locked with each other, you leaning against your desk as he leaned against the wall.

You waited for him to speak first, scrutinising him under your gaze as he played with his dark glasses in one hand, as if he was bored. Your eye twitched in annoyance. Satoru must’ve sent your uneasiness, taking a deep breath before letting it out in a loud blow. He felt nervous for what he was about to say, even if he rehearsed it in his mind a million times, it seemed as if it just went flying through a window when he was under your observation.

More seconds passed with Satoru fidgeting around and you grew even more impatient.

Fuck it.

“Look, if you won’t say anything then—“

“I’m not sorry.”

What?

Your eyes opened wide with surprise and confusion, trying to find some type of amusement in Satoru’s expression just to choke a gasp when you didn’t find any. Out of everything you expected him to say, out of everything you expected him to do, you didn’t really expect him to basically be the usual cocky asshole with a god complex as those words slipped out of his mouth.

Unbelievable.

It was impossible to ignore the way your body was heating up with raw anger and annoyance. Not even after what happened that night was Satoru able to get out of his high horse.

“Are you serious right now?” Your question was empty, it didn’t need an actual answer because you already knew he was dead serious. The pain in the side of your head appeared and you inhaled deeply. Calm down. “Let me see if I understand: you brought me here—“

“Technically, I didn’t bring you here, you di—“

“Fuck, shut the hell up for once, please!” And he did. Satoru didn’t open his mouth to complain and you were grateful. Another deep breath. “That’s all you had to say to me? That you’re not sorry? Not sorry for what, Gojo?” You asked incredulously, looking for his eyes that were now showing shock at the use of his last name.

You waited for his answer. It seemed Satoru was an expert at letting the seconds slip away from both of your hands, but you were tired. You couldn’t be patient with Satoru anymore.

Letting out an annoyed snort at Satoru’s silence and lack of confrontation, you walked towards the door past his figure the seemed to be frozen on the spot. Your hand was inches away from

doorknob when the warm sensation of Satoru’s touch invaded your body again, heart quickly beating involuntarily and you cursed at yourself internally for that. And moments before you could even react, there was his voice again.

Your name.

Your head turned like a reflex, and you swore that, for a brief moment, you saw those sly dark eyes staring right at you instead of ice blue ones.

It wasn’t a sweet tone like you remembered him saying it, instead, your name coming past his lips sounded rougher, dangerous even, yet something was oddly familiar. His voice still held that adoration of that night, communicating a promise Satoru was going to keep.

And it scared you. Satoru’s possible adoration towards you scared you.

“I’m not sorry” Satoru repeated again, breathing getting stuck on his chest and you couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes filled with decisiveness. “I’m not sorry for actually looking at you that night.”

Your breath hitched. Stop.

“I’m not sorry for aching to be with you and feel you when you’re away from me.”

Please, stop. You were starting to feel dizzy. There was no way this was happening right now.

“I’m not sorry for thinking of you the same way I thought of him.”

What happened next was all a blur, emotions crawling up your body as adrenaline hearing what Satoru said after mentioning Suguru again. You just couldn’t bear it anymore.

You still remember the sound of your name being called behind you, desperation and fear filling his voice as your legs moved on their own towards nowhere in particular but far from that room. Far from him.

Escape. Don’t look back. Escape, escape, escape.

It wasn’t until you found yourself outside of your room that you became aware of time and your surroundings. You don’t know how much die you run for you to reach your own place, or how much did you just stand in the middle of a silent room with the ghosts of a rough voice and soft touches.

You crumbled down like you did the same day you saw Suguru for first time after his sentence.

The recent events kept coming to your mind in the form of sharp daggers, engraving the image of a fiery gaze that seemed firm on staying on your mind for as long as it wanted. You were exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and you wanted to escape once again.

That night, you fell asleep as the memory of a familiar scent drowned your mind along with the words that made your heart ache with an unknown feeling.

“I’m not sorry for loving you.”

[frekydeki]

Hiii i know me AGAIN (oneshot) sorry i just like to read long stories

So...aizawa, we have this dream (n idk what is it hahaha it can be singing/acting/ ANYTHING... Bcs we r quirkless n bcs i can see aizawa only date quirkless) n we finally got in for interview n we just want Aizawa to be there for us, but he didnt, he knows that moment we r in interview, he tried (but not hard enough) to clear his schedule, i mean he can came if he is BOLD enough not to care abt work that much n then u just tired of trying bcs he always does that thenn aftermath he start to hving more time with us bcs he regret n bla bla bla... But we just decide to give this attitude of tired of trying more longer bcs he just need to learn from his mistake ?

:3 this idea kept me awake

A/n | ppsssshhhh this took me for fridgin ever I’m sorry Chibbiiiii. But gosh it got real angsty, it’s the only way I could see this playing out. I also wrote in one of my OC’s, not sure why, but it happened and I sort of vibe with it... anyways, here ya go love! XOXO and take care of yourself!!!

Pairing | Aizawa x Quirkless!Reader

Masterlist

You should know better.

Really, you should. Better than to expect anything different from him. To allow the curling and churning in your stomach to catch your attention; it upsets you that it’s even happening. You should be able to brush the sight before you off of your shoulder — you knew it was going to happen this way when he gave you that look when you told him about the interview — and direct your fumbling, messy, burning emotions to the real problem at hand…

The real problem is the heavy stack of papers sitting tucked away in an ugly yellow envelope in front of you. The real problem being the red ink you know you’re going to see splashed across every page in there; and you’re going to have to take it on the chin despite pouring every last piece of yourself into the words printed on those pages. The dread is almost unbearable, but you think you can bare it better than the dread of knowing what you’re going to hear if you answer the phone buzzing in your pocket right now.

Tucked away in the corner of a small coffee shop just down the street, shoes untied and scarf barely hanging onto your neck, you rub your eyes with the back of your hand. You left the apartment in a hurry and didn’t even bother to grab your wallet, let alone tie your shoes, and if your phone wasn’t already in your jackets pocket, you would’ve left it there too… You think it would’ve been easier to take a deep breath if you didn’t have it, in fact. The constant buzzing in your pocket keeps recalling him to memory, he can still reach you…

What the hell sort of thought is that? Trying to get as far away from your boyfriend as you can? Like cutting all ties and contact with him for a few hours will just make all your emotions disappear… It’s just how you’ve always done this though. It’s not the first time he’s upset you, or the first-time things have gone down the drain so quickly. If that man of yours has any brain cells in his head, he’s heading to this coffee shop right now. Your chair grinds loudly, a terrible sound on your sensitive ears, against the ground temporarily drowning out the chatter of others in the shop. You wonder if he’ll even try looking for you right now, considering he’s on a short break from his shift and must be back in five minutes. The folder is smashed against your chest while you exit the shop with your head low, eyes flicking up to apprehensively examine the other faces speeding past you.

Aizawa is nowhere in sight. You hate that there’s a slight pang of disappointment poisoning your gut — this is exactly what you want, after all — and lift your lip in annoyance as you spin on your heel while beginning to map out where you’re going to hide for the next fifteen minutes.

“Shota, you stupid-“ a heavy breath erupts from your nose as you quell the insults about to spew from your lips. You’ve never been able to call him names, or spit your frustrations out in sentences that you know you’d regret saying a few hours after… It’s not to say that your frustrations haven’t been enough, but it’s that a very small fraction of yourself understands why he does things like this. His dedication to his students warms your body from your core out, and his resolve to be a hero isn’t anything to sneeze at either. That’s just Aizawa Shota, a man who, before anything else, is a hero and teacher.

Which makes you even more angry. You just hate that you have to understand all the time. Why can’t he understand?

A small bookshop is where you decide to bide your time and wait out Shota, who’s surely raging around the apartment in proper Aizawa fashion: sitting on the couch with hands folded over his mouth and leg bouncing frantically. He should be leaving any minute now, his path back to the school leads right by this bookshop, in fact, and you wonder if you’ll be able to catch a glimpse of him walking by… You turn your shoulder towards the large glass window at the front of the shop with a scowl twisting your features into a look that could kill; you just don’t want to see that handsome face right now for fear of breaking down and blowing the whole reason you left the apartment in the first place.

You cannot see, speak to, or think of Aizawa Shota in the slightest. You don’t want to.

It’s a messy little shop, books stuffed in every crevice, some stack from the floor, a small old woman smiling at you from behind a desk piled high with books on either side. The beads hanging from her gold glasses frames jingle as she waddles to you, pushing the frames from low on her nose to the middle of her bridge. The wrinkles at the corner of her eye exaggerate and a shaky smile giggles onto her lips with a raspy chuckle in her throat. You shrink in her gaze while she looks you up and down and hums; what the hell is she doing right now? You feel vulnerable in her gaze as your hands tighten around the folder more and your shoulders push slightly forward. You smack at the tickle of hair on your cheek and shoot her a short-lived smile with a trembling glance. The color in her opalescent eyes is deep, open, and clear, but you can’t quite understand her intentions. Even though her gaze on you, you wonder if she’s actually looking at you, or through you, because of the far off look in her eye… Is she gonna put a curse on you or something?

“No cursing here, dearie.” Her raspy voice finally presents itself as she turns her short frame — she stands a few heads shorter than you — and wraps her boney hands around your scarf, giving you a gentle tug. “Follow me.” It sounds more like a demand coming off her lips. Your mind runs rampant with ways to get yourself out of this situation and out of this shop; but you walked in here you can’t quite play that off without telling the truth and you really don’t want to tell the truth.

“If Shota were here…” That’s the stupid thought you have sneaking into your mind when you stop in your tracks and curse at yourself. The old woman continues to walk, pulling at your scarf; her long white hair taps against her waist, a pendant in the shape of a crow hanging from the hair tie wrapped in her hair midway down her back. The old woman clicks her tongue and shakes her head, still leading you through the maze of bookshelves; this shop really doesn’t look this big from the outside!

“That Aizawa Shota… He’s being a real stick in the mud.” She ends her sentence with another short chuckle.

“How…” You swallow thickly and eye the curious old woman stopping and finally turning to look at you. “How do you know about him?” Her eyes curve with a gentle smile playing on her lips, it’s a knowing smile, but she only shrugs quickly and turns away. She continues to march toward a door in the back of the room, struggling up the steps a little, and you find yourself holding her elbow firmly to steady her.

“Is it just my wise old age, or magic?” She laughs as her hand finds your own and pats it gratefully.

“It’s your quirk?” You guess with lidded eyes and flat brows. Disappointment hangs at the corner her lips, which you thought were stuck in a smile permanently.

“Yeah, it’s my quirk.” She monotonously responds. She sighs before discontent vocalizes at the back of her throat. The old lady stops abruptly and turns to you, a stubbornness in those opal eyes. “My quirk is mind reading, but my power is empathy.” You blink at her with wide eyes; what the hell does that mean? Irritation blips across her face. “It means I feel others' emotions.” Heart shriveling up slightly, you cast your eyes down to the stained wooden floor. You’re quite possibly the worst person she could meet right now; your emotions are in tatters, fluctuating somewhere between livid and heartbroken.

“Alright, alright!” The old lady smacks her hand down on your shoulder heavily with a sudden burst of strength. Where the hell did all this strength come from? You meet her eye before noticing that she almost looks younger and spritelier now. “We’ll do none of that, dear. Let’s keep going; I have something to give you!”

“I didn’t bring my-“

“It’s free!”

“Oh no.” You out your hands up and shake your head, “I couldn’t possibly accept it.”

“Hush now.” The woman unlocks the door to the room and glances at you from over the rim of her wire glasses, “I don’t take just anybody back into this room!” Your lips smack shut. The painted door creaks open to reveal a messy – yet organized – room. Stones and crystals are neatly placed on almost every surface, books stuffed full of scrap paper are scattered about, and jars of herbs you couldn’t even begin to name line the walls.

“How long have you been with him?” You assume she’s talking about Shota, “Yeah, that one.” You smile as you step farther into the room and pick up a pink stone.

“About four years now…” Your smile falls before your head shoots up and you shoot an irritated look at the old woman who’s digging through her clutter. “Don’t you know this already Mrs. Mind Reading Empath?”

“Humor an old woman will ya?” Your silence tells her that you’re not going to argue. “Does this happen often?”

“Him blowing me off for work?” She hums hesitantly, her quick hands slowing as she spares you a short glance. “Yeah.” The woman remains quiet, and you mindlessly continue. “A lot of the time I can ignore it. When he cancels a movie night or a lunch, or when he can’t make it to a night out with friends. I can handle that, but it bothers me the most when I have dinner ready though... It gets lonely…” You ramble, that same annoyance swelling up in you that you’d forgotten when this eccentric old lady approached you.

“Aha!” The woman exclaims, her sparkling eyes brimming with joy as she gazes down at a green stone clutched tightly in her hand.

“What’s your name?” You wonder at her as you quickly step through the narrow path in the room to help her down from the step stool she’s standing on.

“Oh! I never told you!” She smiled sheepishly up to you, “You always forget to give your name when you automatically know everyone else’s!” She laughs as she moves to sit in a chair placed diagonal to another. She holds her hand out to the other chair, and you quickly sit once she’s gotten all settled in. “My name is Tatsu.” She turns her eyes to you, and offers one of the kindest smiles you’ve seen, “It’s nice to meet you, Y/n.” She turns the rock in her hand about before looking to the folder clutched in your hands.

“What do you do for a living?” You shuffle uncomfortably, but don’t try to hide the folder, knowing that this woman already knows all about you.

“I’m an author… Well, I want to be an author…” You correct with a nervous and breathless laugh.

“Your interview went bad?” You sigh and hang your head, looking anywhere except that drilling gaze Tatsu is offering you.

“It was never good to start with.” Your voice is quiet. The woman inhales a deep breath before letting it out slowly and leaning her head back against the chair.

“When I was about your age, I wanted to open a bookstore.” She smiles. “Before that I wanted to be a spy, and even before that, I wanted to be a superhero.” You raise your eyebrow.

“Why’d you end up choosing a bookstore?”

“Well, I tried being a superhero… Two or three times, I think?” She laughs to herself, “You can’t really save others with my quirk… So, I decided to be a spy, a super spy if you will. I was one hell of a woman for a few years, but something felt wrong.” She holds the stone up between the two of you, “I’ve always been a spiritual girl, so I bought myself a crystal like this. I made it into an earring and still wear it to this day.” She turns her head so you can see the simple little earring dangling from her ear. “It’s called Moldavite.” She offers it to you, and you hold out your hand to take it. “She’s a powerful crystal, that one.”

“What happened after that?” You urge her to continue, curious about how a stone plays a part in her story.

“It’s a crystal dear, not just a stone you find in your moms front yard garden.” You nod and chuckle. “That very week, I got a terrible injury on my next mission.” A warm smile is permeating on her face, and you stare in horror. Why is she happy? Is she a masochist? “I met the love of my life while at the hospital. He was there too for some injuries he got while on the job; he was a superhero.” The glimmering look in her eye is adorable, but you’re still not making any connections.

“How romantic! Two injured people waddling around the hospital together!” You tease lightly, to which she lets out a giggle.

“I know!” She’s serious. “When we got married, his parents offered us this shop, and I finally got to open my bookstore.” It’s a cute little story, but you’re not sure where the connection is between your situation and it. She had the time of her life, and you’re on the verge of losing your boyfriend and your dream.

“When I got that injury, it was the hardest time of my life.” She softly explains. “Like I was losing everything I’d ever dreamed of.” Her eyes knowingly turn to yours. Oh.

“I want you to keep that crystal, Y/n. I want you to think long and hard about Aizawa. He’s the real problem here, not that damn book.”

“What am I supposed to do with a stone?”

“It’s not a stone! It’s a crystal! A cry-stal!” She snaps in correction. A small grin flashes onto your lips.

“Fine. What am I supposed to do with this crystal?”

“Let it work its magic. She will bring you luck, bring you what you should have, and get rid of what you don’t need.” She nods slowly. Aizawa’s face comes into your mind, and a little bit of fear licks at your fingertips. Gets rid of what you don’t need… Why is he on your mind now that you’ve heard her say that?

“Now, it’s safely been twenty minutes, and I heard Mr. Aizawa go by.” She begins pushing you out of her shop.

“Heard him? How?” She giggles.

“He’s so loud when he’s thinking about you, and even louder when he’s worried.” When you’re on the short step outside of her shop, watching her with a bewildered look and the green crystal in your hand, she smiles cheekily to you.

“Good luck, sweetie.” You begin to nod and take an unsteady step away from her shop. “I can’t wait to see your book on my shelves!” A grin pushes onto your lips and you clench the folder in your hands, almost ready to confront the contents of the pages.

“I’ll come visit you again!”

“You better! Keep trying, and someday you’ll be amazed with yourself!” You can feel some sort of weight lifting off your shoulders as you walk away from the shop, a small smile stuck on your face. It’s soon replaced with a realization that puts a heavy weight back onto your limbs, numbing them up, and making you nauseous: Shota will be home in a few hours. Unconsciously, you tighten your hand around the crystal, and wonder if it’ll work.

You’re not sure you believe that sort of stuff, but Tatsu sure does, and she had some sort of way of almost persuading you to believe it too. If it does work, you’re nervous of the outcome… You’ve not admitted it to yourself over the years of your relationship, but you guess you’ve always known you’re a little unhappy. That thought makes your throat tighten and itch, and eyes burn a little. You blink rapidly as you push your apartment door open and swallow thickly.

Dropping your keys onto the kitchen counter, you get yourself a glass of water and try to shoo away the feeling in your throat away with a few sips. It’s not like you’re wholly unhappy, if you were, you would’ve left Aizawa a while ago. But it’s an itch on your back you’ve never been able to scratch, a creepy shadow that’s always lingered over your shoulder… You flick open the folder you’ve crumbled up from squeezing it to your chest over the past hour, and sigh. There are red marks all over the first page; you’re not quite sure you can even concentrate on doing that right now, so you begin to tuck it back in before completely taking it out all the way.

You opt to sit in your bedroom and put on a comfort show. Not that you pay too much to it, as you’re busy staring at a picture of you and Shota sitting on your nightstand. The photo is evidence that you two have shared very happy times together, and truth be told, you love that man more dearly than you’ve ever loved anything… Yet you doubt he loves you the same way. Once you considered that you could live with that, loving him more than you got in return, but that’s easier said than done. Your eyes dart to your phone screen, the four missed call and six text messages still showing to you. It’s been close to an hour since your little meltdown, so you decide to see what he has to say for himself this time. You’re not surprised to see the usual:

“Y/n I’m so sorry. I have an exam to give to the students this morning, I won’t be able to make it.” You knew that he wasn’t going to make it even before you read the text message, you knew when it was five minutes til and he still hadn’t showed. “I can still make it to lunch though. You’re favorite?”

You didn’t respond. You were busy getting your ass handed to you by your editor. Your throat begins to burn as you tighten your hand around your phone — barely resisting the urge to throw it as hard as you can — and clench your jaw. It’s not like you ask for much. You just want to matter a little bit more to him, to be worth just enough for him to take some time off of work for. At the very least, you’d like to feel supported, but you’re not even getting that… You’re not sure that something Aizawa would ever be able to do. Frankly, you’re not sure if anything could matter more to him than his job as a teacher and pro hero. Once, you loved him for the determination and passion; now it’s tearing your relationship to shreds… is this something that you can tolerate for the rest of your life? You’re not quite sure.

It hurts badly this time, evident of the tears biting at your eyes and itching your cheeks, and you know it only gets worse each time. If things keep down this road, you can see the day that it starts permeating into your being, and you suddenly realize that you’re numb; that you can neither love nor hate him for it. Dreadful is the day that you become indifferent. You want to save your relationship, tell him what’s bothering you, and see the change.

It’s funny, but you’re not one with words. You can write a whole novel but can say one word to explain yourself. You delete the rambling text you’d planned out while indulging your frantic thoughts.

You’re in utter turmoil. Stuck between heartbreak and drawn out heartbreak. On one hand, you know that you couldn’t stand not having Shota in your life, but on the other, you don’t think your strong enough to handle this sort of hurt regularly. You groan and fall into the soft pillow, your comfort show doing absolutely no good. You pull your blanket over you and get comfy; a nap should do you right.

…

Maybe you should talk to Shota about it… Yeah… Flinging up in your bed, you grab hold of your phone, and type his number in; You’re not the type to go down without a fight…

A fight... What if you start a fight? You deflate and lay back down with a dull look in your eye. Fights between the two of you are the worst. Reason being that you both don’t do well with confrontation. He gets annoyed and leaves while you just shut down.

Shutting your eyes, you decide that you’re just too conflicted to do anything about it right now. You’d rather just take a nap than do something you’ll regret.

 …                                

 The familiar weight of a hand running up your side – slowly and hesitantly – brings you out of your nap. You sigh, snuggling up against the softness of your pillow. The weight of another person shifting the bed next to you is a comforting sign; it means Aizawa is home… A small, content smile slithers onto your lips while the warmth of his hand reaches your cheek, running down your jaw line so softly you could barely feel it…

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” He says softly, his voice drenched in guilt and wrung tight with worry. His long black hair, tangled from a day’s work, tickles over your skin as he rests his forehead on your shoulder. With his warm hand sliding down your arm to stop and tighten at your elbow, he continues in nearly as whisper, “I let you down again, didn’t I?” He pauses for a second, and you can hear the frustrated breath tumble from him before he corrects, “I let us down…”

You’ve been shaken from your sleepy state like someone poured ice cold water on you. Breath stopped entirely, your body runs cold and shudders at the sound on Shota’s tongue.

When you fell asleep, you intended a short nap. The room is run over in shadows, the moon gazing in at you with a sneer on his face while he dangles high in the sky. Everything is so still, air stagnant, the only sound you can pick up is Shota breathing. This isn’t what you meant to happen.

“There’s not much I can put before my job.” Somehow – even though it feels like you haven’t taken in a breath since you first heard Aizawa – your lungs shrivel up to raisins, and your eyes begin to burn… You want to be first to anything… “I know how badly you wish it wasn’t like that.” He continues, and your eyes begin to flutter as you try and bite back the tears; body rigid with the dread coursing through you. You want to mean more to him than anything in the world. He’s quiet as he pushes himself off of you, your own body crying out for him to come back to you with cold shivers, and he leans up against your headboard. You feel his fingers playing in your hair as he rests his head against the wall.

“You know I can’t sugar coat things.” His hand stops moving, “This probably isn’t going to be the last time I do this. You and I both know this.” His voice is low and quiet, the cold lick of his own strangling emotions extending into your body and reaping havoc. “Can you… Can you handle that?” Jaw clenching, you shut your eyes; you can’t just pretend you’re sleeping; he knows you’re awake. You inhale a trembling breath, your anger reaching into your throat in an acidic burn.

“You’re asking a lot of me, Shota.” Your own, low, quaking, and raspy voice finally mixes into the silence. It’s quiet as Shota nods slowly. “Why can’t it be any other way?” You inhale a gasp of breath. “Why can’t it be me before anything, just once Shota? I’m here for you every single night, and after every patrol, every fight, and every night out with your friends. Why can’t you just be my boyfriend for one damn day?” You blubber in frustration.

“I am your boyfriend, Y/n. It’s not like I forget that when I go to work.” “It sure as hell feels like it.” You snap as you sit up quickly – your head throbbing loudly at the quick motion – and you smack the tears falling onto your face away harshly. “I just wanted two hours today Shota. Two hours! Two hours is too much to give to me?” You look at the face of your phone, seeing that Aizawa had texted you often throughout the day; for some reason that makes you even more angry… Why the hell wouldn’t he come home if he was actually that worried?

“We talked about this when we first started dating.” He sighs at your retreating form. He crawls off the bed to follow you, his own heart hammering in his chest, but face still stuck in that unimpressed and unbothered expression he always holds. “I said that there were going to be periods that I can’t give you as much time as I wish I could.”

“We also talked about boundaries.” You turn over your shoulder and catch his dark eyes with yours, taking all of his breath away at your frustrated and hurting expression. His mind is robbed of all thoughts while panic freezes him in his place and opens his mouth slightly. “We talked about being there for each other when it matters the most.” You grab the yellow folder on the counter and throw it on the table now standing between the two of you; some of the pages spill out, revealing the hack job your editor performed on it. Aizawa eyes them before turning his eyes back to you. “This was one of those moments.”

“Y/n…” Your quivering lip steals all of his words from him again. What can he say? For some reason, this issue feels like it can never be resolved, no matter what he says. He knows that apologizes can only take him so far – especially when he’s done it so much – and he also knows that he can’t promise that it won’t happen again. He refuses to be moved from the reality of it, and you’re quaking to withstand it; he can see you’re barely holding on… It turns his eyes down to the floor and forces his breath from him.

“Can it really not get any better?” You ask quietly, almost pleadingly. Truthfully, you’re asking him if he’s really not willing to try harder for you, to care more about you… Asking him to put his job as a teacher and pro hero aside is not a light request, and you know it… But him asking you to put aside your hurt and happiness for his job is just as heavy. You don’t want to be the only one sacrificing it all anymore.

His head begins to shake slowly, his wide eyes brimming in tears; he knows what this is going to lead to. Your expression contorts into a sob and your head falls.

“God dammit Aizawa.” You growl through your tears. Hands tightening on the back of the dining room chair, and body crumbling in the wake of your emotions, you try to collect yourself enough to look him in the eye. “Why?” He’s silent across from you, his shoulders slumped but eyes widely taking in your shrinking form. He’s hissing in breaths, trying with all of his strength to keep from crying himself, and his hands clenched tightly into fists in his pockets. He’s frozen in the wrath of all his emotions rushing through him

The door unlocking has your entire body freezing stone cold. Eri’s home. You exhale slowly, the sound of her giggling voice making you want to combust and cease existing entirely; this is going to be the last time you see her…

You know what you have to do. This is for yourself…

“We’re done, Shota Aizawa.” You say between the two of you, and then turn to greet Eri with your jacket in your hands. Despite tears being scattered across your cheeks you smile brightly and warmly at Eri; her expression falls to horror as she takes in your appearance. Toshinori shuffles in behind her while humming softly and out of tune.

“How was patrol tonight, my friend…” However, his voice trails off as he catches the state the two of you are in. You’re speeding toward the door with a forced smile, and Aizawa swaying on his feet with wide eyes brimming with tears and staring at where you just were.

“Is everything okay, Y/n?” Eri’s voice chimes lightly, her own eyes running red in frustration; you know she adores you like her own parent.

“Yeah,” You stop in front of her and caress her cheek lightly with a solemn expression, “we just won’t be seeing each other much anymore.” You crouch and kiss her forehead, “I love you, princess. I’ll miss you.” You whisper before taking in her reddening face and speeding toward the door.

“Are you going somewhere Y/n?” The nerves in Toshinori raise his voice an octave as he turns to address Aizawa, “Is everything okay? Should I bring Eri back later?”

“No.” You sternly say. “I’m leaving.”

“Y/n-“ Aizawa begins with a thick voice, cracking under the weight of his own emotions.

You shut the door.

And you walk away from Shota Aizawa, the first dream you’ve ever given up on.

 …

 “What if he completely poured his heart out to you in the rain and also bought you dinner?” Hizashi sighs as he holds out another outfit to you. You’ve got another interview with your editor today, to look over your revised novel that you poured yourself into for the past month; the only thing that’s kept you sane after giving up Aizawa.

“Hizashi,” You sigh with drooping eyebrows and a pleading look in your eye, “Do we really have to talk about this again?”

“I can’t just keep silent! I introduced you guys!” You shake your head at the selection and continue to prod through the clothing wrack at the store.

“Some things aren’t meant to be.” You unconsciously bring your hand to finger the caged stone you have dangling around your neck. Since leaving Shota, a lot of things have looked up for you. You’ve found the energy to delve into your work, which has shown to your editor, and you’ve been able to reflect on what you really want in life.

You want to come first, before anything else, in your life. Sometimes you wonder if you’re doing what Tatsu tried to guide you to, or if you just ruined the relationship you had with the best man in the world on the whim of some old crazy woman… You don’t like thinking about it too much, otherwise you find yourself almost dialing Shota up to take you back.

“It’s not like I didn’t try working with him on it anyways.” You grumble to your friend. He begins complaining again, refusing to hear what you’ve been trying to tell him since the day after the break. “He said he can’t compromise with work, and I realized that I can’t handle being so secondary.” You give a melancholy smile, “I’m so selfish, huh?”

“What if I can persuade Shota otherwise?” Hizashi negotiates. You shake your head with a dry, humorless chuckle. “I know he’s stubborn, but he cares so much about you! He doesn’t just stick around with someone for four years just because!” You try to protest with him, but he continues on his tirade, “Aizawa was never interested in relationships, so he never got into one. He doesn’t do anything unless he wants to! He wanted to be in that relationship with you! He’s just so… So…” He lets out a frustrated noise and takes a quick drink from the cup clenched in his hand.

“Hizashi… I don’t think there’s any persuading him. I’ve been trying to do it for a while now.” You quietly say as you pick out a nice shirt. Frankly, this talk has killed your mood for a new outfit, and at this point you’re just picking through clothes, so you don’t have to look your passionate friend in the eye.

“Fine. Let’s get back to your studio… Your appointment will be soon, we should make sure you have plenty of time to get ready.” You almost feel guilty at the dejection in his usually strident voice.

Both of you ride in the taxi in silence. But you’re quick to wonder to him out loud what’s been on your mind:

“Do you think I made the wrong choice?” Hizashi looks at you clearly with his blue eyes and he shakes his head with a soft smile.

“I think you did exactly what you needed to do. Albeit maybe a little drastic with actually breaking up with him… The silent treatment would have worked just fine… Sometimes what a man needs is time away to realize how badly he needs something, and how much he’s willing to pay to have it.” You scoff and roll your eyes.

“Then why aren’t you bothering Aizawa about this all the time, huh?”

“I am.”

“Then stop bothering me!” You snap. Hizashi chuckles at your outburst. You can’t truly be upset with Hizashi, knowing that he’s only bugging you about this because he sees the sorry mess you are on some nights, and reports that Aizawa is knee deep in sorrow and depression. He wants things to go back to normal, but you don’t want to. You don’t want to go back to the constant fight for his time, for his support. If you ever went back to Shota, he’d have to take time off of work before your very eyes to make you believe that he’s willing to change his ways. 

That’ll never happen. You’ve excepted that. Hearing about Aizawa’s heartbreak doesn’t surprise you either; you know he cares about you on some level, but it’s not how you want it to be. It’s a mutual break up, one made between two loving adults who realize that they aren’t what they need for each other...

You look to the rambling blond next to you - he’s on again about some scenario of you and Shota coming back together in a surprise visit this time - and sigh; you just need to make Hizashi understand that the relationship is done for...

“Hizashi...” You whine again at his romanticized dramatization of a meeting you’d much rather not even imagine. If it ever did happen, you sure as hell wouldn’t be the composed person Hizashi is making you out to be; you’d be a sobbing, blubbering mess and puddy in Aizawa’s hand... 

“I’m just saying that if you ever run into Aizawa at a very convenient time while you’re all dressed up and he’s got flowers then you need to say yes to dinner.” He surrenders his hands as he helps you out of the taxi and ushers you to your apartment. There’s a spark in his eye that unsettles you.

“That’s oddly specific.” You mumble to him.

“I like to daydream about it.” He grins to you with a cheesy sparkle in his eye. “Now, let’s get you ready!”

“It’s not like I wouldn’t ever try with Aizawa again…” You mindlessly ramble as you follow Hizashi through your apartment. “It’s just that I don’t think right now is the right time…”

“There’s no time like the present, Y/n!”

“I know but we’ve got different goals right now and-“

“I understand Y/n.” He smiles gently, letting you know that you don’t have to explain to him at all anymore. “But,” You let out a fake sob at his continued antics, “Maybe one months difference is all the time you needed to get to the right time!” In the end, you decide to pretend you don’t hear him. Persuading him will have to wait for next time, when you have more patience.

Hizashi dresses you in your finest, and forces just the right number of accessories on you. You complain to him while he drills you on walking with confidence to the editor that you don’t have to be so entirely dressed up for a simple meeting.

“It’s not just a simple meeting!” He scolds as he firmly slaps his hands onto your shoulders. “This is your future and happiness we’re talking about! I’ll be damned if I slack on this!” He nods firmly, stepping away from your dazzling form and grins. “Beautiful! Stunning! Breath-taking! You are a fearsome being, Y/n!”

A grin bubbles over onto your lips with a stupid chuckle as you bashfully give him a shove, “Oh, stop it.”

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” He says as he backs toward the door, picks up your nicest jacket, and hands it to you, “Put this on and come out when you’re ready!” He slides out the door before poking his head back in and saying, “Remember! If we see any wild Shota’s on the street, we always say yes to him!” You groan at him.

“Hizashi!” He laughs and finally closes the door behind him.

He’s really been pressing you about your breakup with Shota. He says he thinks that you’re both meant for each other and this is only a misunderstanding in the road to a long and happy life together. You kind of wish it was like that too. But it’s been an entire month, and you haven’t heard a word from Aizawa since – except to pick up the rest of your things from his apartment -  so you highly doubt that you’re going to encounter a “wild Shota” on the streets. He’s always at work anyways…

Shaking your head quickly and tapping your cheeks, you bring yourself back into the present moment. You have another dream that’s just within your reach right now. You want to gain this one, before you mourn the loss of another.

“Hizashi! I think I’m going to head out a little early for the meeting, so I have time to get there!” You walk into the living room while buttoning your jacket around you. “I want to stop for a warm drink, it’s so cold out-“ your words fall to a nearly silent whisper as you gaze into your living room, “Side…” You slowly finish your sentence with wide eyes. Your next breath gets stuck in your throat.

“Aizawa…” You watch him with a severe look crossing onto your expression. In his hand he holds a beautiful bouquet of purple hyacinths, and white and red tulips. He’s nicely dressed, a white button up under a black suit jacket. His black hair is nicely pulled out of his face in a half-up half-down style. Soft pink colors in on his cheeks, and his eyes steadily drink you in, afraid that if he looks away, you’ll disappear. “What…” Your voice wheezes out of breath. He’s supposed to be at work. What is he doing here? At your apartment? With flowers?

“Y/n, I-“ His sentence falls short as his dark eyes dart repeatedly to the blonde man leaning on the counter and watching the exchange with bright eyes. Hizashi nods ecstatically to urge him to continue. Aizawa blinks quickly before drawing in a breath and returning his gaze to you; he’d prefer it if he didn’t have an audience… So, he takes slow steps near you, watching your every movement for the slightest sign of discomfort at his proximity, to try at some sort of privacy. “Look, I…”

The sound of disdain comes from Hizashi at how Shota was about to begin. Again, the dark-haired man is diverted from his goal. Hizashi shakes his head quickly.

“Can we have a moment?” Aizawa coolly asks his friend.

“Oh,” Hizashi startles as he nods and scoops up his drink, “Yeah.” He pats his pockets for his wallet before picking it up on the counter, “It’s dinner time! Gotta blast, see ya Y/n!”

When it’s just the two of you in the apartment, Aizawa clears his throat and shuffles on his feet. He looks down and holds the bouquet out to you. He keeps his eyes averted from your own.

“Two days after you left me,” He begins quietly and slowly, “Eri asked me why you wouldn’t be around anymore… I had to explain to her what it meant to break up with someone; she didn’t really understand.” He chuckles dryly. “You always have been better at explaining things to her.” You take the bouquet slowly, drawing your fingers across one of the soft petals.

“That doesn’t tell me why you’re here.” You quickly say, pulling your eyes up. He exhales and yanks his bloodshot eyes to your own. His heart is hammering and doing flips in his chest while seeing you stand here like this, listening to the words that are about to come out of his mouth with that solemn expression on your face. AIzawa doesn’t want to cross the line, but god, he wants to take you into his arms so badly and kiss those perfect lips and ravish your body until you’re full of him and swimming in his absolute adoration for you-

A smirk jumps onto his lips with a chuckle to cover up the fact that his mind is running over with such thoughts in a moment like this.

“She didn’t understand why we wouldn’t be together if we loved each other.” His mouth thins into a grave line as the corners bury into his cheeks, “And I couldn’t tell her why. I love you to death, and I don’t know why I wouldn’t do a damn thing to keep you.” He sounds confused as he lets out a chuckle. “I realized a lot of things...

“The bed is colder with one body, and an apartment hollow without someone to come home to… Not someone…” He stares meaningfully into your eyes, with an uncharacteristically glassy look in his own, “You… It’s lonely and wrong without you, Y/n. I wanted to be honest with you by telling you that I couldn’t put you before work, but I was being selfish… I didn’t even try.” He holds his hands out to his sides. “I decided I might as well try, so I took some time off of work today to get here today in this stupid suit…” He yanks at the jacket on him and bites his lip. “I came here hoping you’d forgive me for being a dense asshole… That you’d let me escort you to this meeting, and then take you out to dinner?”

You blink quickly, biting on your lips as you try to keep the blubbering tears in your eyes from stealing your dignity from under you. But they flop onto your cheeks no matter what– you’ve never been one to be able to hide your tears easily – and rush to press yourself into his chest.

“Aizawa, you’re so stupid.” You snap weakly at him. He chuckles as he tightly embraces you.

“I’m sorry…” He sighs as he rocks you from side to side with a content smile lifting his lips and relieved tears putting a blush onto his cheeks. “I promise it won’t happen again.”

Taglist: @zeyyackerman

[dinner-djarin]

Next To You (Bucky x reader)

Just a little one shot I wrote after watching FATWS on repeat. (I tried to make it gender neutral but I may have missed something so I'm sorry if it's not!)

Rating: Mature

No use of Y/N

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Bucky is having nightmares, and you're there to comfort him. Based on the Julia Michaels song If You Need Me. (so if the ending sounds dumb go listen to the song you'll understand why lol)

Warnings: Fluff & angst I guess idk, kinda dark themes, because well it's Bucky. Just two people who have definitely been through some shit. Oh ya that reminds me swearing. Suggested that intercourse has happened but nothing descriptive. A little (a lot) about trauma but mostly about nightmares. If I missed something pls lemme know, I don't want anyone to feel triggered reading. But if you can watch the show and be fine, you'll probably be okay with this.

Also just letting you know if I put ~ its cause I switch the focus from Bucky to reader, but I'm not switching POV completely its all written in reader POV.

Every night brought pieces of the past. He never knew which memory would be dragged to the surface once he let his subconscious take over - clawing and scrapping against the walls he put up, begging to be let out; to be confronted.

Some nights were worse than others of course.

He wasn’t sure how he was ever going to out run the monsters of his past. For a while he just stopped sleeping. It may not have been a permanent fix, but he thought some relief was better than none at all. He used to go days, even weeks, without sleep during the war, so he figured it might be the best way to silence the past.

Dr. Raynor, however, caught on quick.

A lot of her methods seemed like bullshit to Bucky. He could tell she was genuinely trying to help him, but he doubted anything she had anything to offer him that would prove to be effective.

But at the end of the day she was definitely no fool. He had a tough time lying to her. She didn’t take anyone's crap, and that might have been the only reason he trusted her, even a little. It may have been the only reason he actually gave it a sincere try (besides the fact he’d be arrested if he didn’t).

So he probably shouldn’t have been surprised when she caught on to his sleep strike. In fact she called him out on it only three days in. He thought he’d get longer than that. Even so, he was almost relieved. After only 72 hours he already felt the nightmares slowly creeping into the day. Every time a door slammed or a car horn blared his body tensed. Every time he turned a corner he’d reach for a knife he no longer carried. So maybe it was better to let his past haunt his nightmares. That way he’d be alone when the memories took over. That way he wouldn’t hurt anyone else.

But he made a mistake. He did what he told himself he could never do. He let you get too close.

Falling asleep in your arms felt better than any therapy session he could ever imagine. It was the first time in forever he could remember what it was like to be his younger self. The version of him that marvelled at the idea of flying cars; who thought he could save the world by enlisting. The dreamy eyed boy who was hopeful for the future, who thought he had a future.

Lying next to you made him feel in control, like his problems didn’t matter. He was there to keep you safe, and warm, and comfortable. He never thought he’d feel like that with anyone. He didn’t think he was allowed.

You didn’t question his metal arm for starters. When Bucky took off his jacket, after the hundredth time you insisted - “It’s like 100 degrees in here Bucky, please take it off, you’re gonna melt” - he thought he’d instantly regret it. But you simply looked at it with wonder for only a moment, before returning your eyes up to his own. Staring back at you, he saw the wheels in your brain click into place. He could almost hear your thoughts as you decided what your next move would be.

In the blink of his eyes you tore your shirt off and stood completely still in front of him. For a moment his emotions were mixed, and he worried where your sudden advancement came from, but then he saw it. A thick white mark slashed across your torso.

You took only one step forward before speaking. “It’s not exactly… I know it’s not the same thing at all. But the scars - the marks we carry - they’ll be with us forever, whether we like it or not. Even if they remind us of the worst pieces of ourselves, or the worst moments of our lives, it reminds us that we can move forward. And it reminds me that there’s something to move forward to. I don’t know…it doesn’t really make any sense but somehow it’s almost comforting.  To know that something will always be with us, till the end”

His mouth was on yours in an instant.

He had been hesitant to let anyone in. After coming back - after going through everything he’d been through - he felt like damaged goods. He worried that the minute he let himself be happy, everything would come crashing down again, and he had good reason to believe it. It just kept happening over and over. It seemed like every time he found even a small amount of peace, the battle made its way back to him.

But when he found you, when he felt you, he felt peace. The softness of your skin, the gentle wave of your hair, the light scrape of your fingernails against his back and chest, your quiet moans muffled by his own mouth on yours. Being with you made the horrors of his past melt away. Even when you clamped down around him and bit into his shoulder muscle, even when he knew you’d left marks all over his skin. Knowing they came from you made all the difference. They didn’t remind him of the wars he fought, or lives he took, or the atrocities he committed. The sting of your nails and teeth weren’t pains from his past, they were reminders of his present, of the possibility of a life he could have. With you.

But in the end he knew that it was all wishful thinking. He knew he wasn’t cut out for that type of future. He knew you deserved better.

So he decided to let you off easy, to disappear from your life, leaving your shared experience to the confines of your bedroom. A memory, nothing more. He knew he’d have to sneak away once you fell asleep, because that way it might not feel real. Everything that happened between you might disappear with him.

But then he fucked up.

He was waiting for your breath to even out, a sign he would take to mean you had fallen asleep, but after listening to the air rush out of your body, and watching your bare chest rise and fall, your hypnotic essence overpowered his will, and he fell asleep alongside you.

Only he wasn’t asleep for long.

Eventually the past caught up, as it always had a way of doing. Images, and sounds, and smells all came flooding back to his uninhibited brain - sleep made him an easy target. He was vulnerable to every torment he caused, and every mission he was forced to carry out. Tonight was no exception. His brain managed to sift through every wall he thought he had up, and trudge yet another painful memory to the surface. The image of himself taking life after life, cruelly and viciously. There was no remorse, no stopping him. He saw every crime lord and politician he was made to terminate. Until his brain moved away to a new idea. The image of a young woman. Innocent and pure. But in the way of his mission. The Winter Soldier spared none.

He woke up in a blind panic. His surroundings were unfamiliar. Something was wrong. Was he being held captive or-

~

“Hey,” you made yourself known to him, and he twisted his head back to see you sit up beside him. You were quiet, and a worried expression blanketed your face.

Is he angry, you thought for a moment? No. Your brain was tired, and it was slow to process. Not angry, scared.

You knew from the minute you saw his arm that there was more going on. You already had some suspicions, nevertheless you expected there to be something like this.

For a moment, the two of you stared at each other in silence. You watched him regain his breath, and you carefully shifted your legs to sit crossed underneath you.

His steel blue eyes cut through the darkness, pinning you down. You wondered what was going on in his mind, what he might be doing to regain his grip on reality. You knew this moment too well. The quiet. The darkness. The fear. Not sure of how to move forward.

You were scared too, but not of him - more like you were scared for him. You knew he must be going through something, and you wanted to be there to help, but you also knew that was easier said than done. “Being there to help” was a nice concept, but in reality - well things were generally more complicated. You didn’t know if it’d be alright to approach him, mainly because you were unsure of your role in all this. Were you really someone he wanted around when he was so obviously vulnerable? You’d never seen him so raw and exposed, like a wound you wished you could tend to, while also fearing that your interference could make things worse.

You knew he wasn’t going to ask for your help, you could see he wasn’t that kind of man, but maybe if you made the first step, and let him choose - maybe he’d let you in. So, you held out your hand and waited. After a moment, you saw him move, only slightly though. His eyes darted down towards your hand and he subtly lifted his fingers off the bed. But it only lasted a second. He froze again, hand hovering near yours, and that’s when you realized he had been reaching for you with his left hand. You had been wary to touch it before, you thought it was probably a sensitive subject. Something about the idea of touching his metal arm seemed more personal, if that was possible. Like only the most trusted people in his life might be allowed to… and maybe not even then.

You felt your own eyes drop to your lap, an almost nervous energy now emanating in the space between you. But just before you could drop your hand too, his fingers hesitantly entwine with yours.

You shot your eyes up to see his right hand grazing the palm of your left. As your gaze slowly elevated, you found your way to meet his own eyes, only to notice the very sudden change in them. Whatever fear or darkness hid their before had now melted away. You couldn’t place it, but whatever emotion he now held sent a chill from your core to your fingertips. A lump in your throat formed and for a moment, you thought you might never be able to breath again. The look in his eyes was almost soft, but with a hint of yearning. Fire was blazing through every nerve in your body, while a chill kissed your skin, making every hair stand on edge.

Feeling outrageously brave, you took your free hand up to his jaw and held him there, gently swiping your thumb over his cheek, and allowing your fingers to reach slightly past his hairline and to the back of his neck. You wondered if he could feel the raging storm of your emotions through your touch.

“You okay?” you managed to whisper to him.

“Nothing I haven’t dealt with before” his answer pierced your ears with a hard tone, refusing to let any vulnerability resonate in his voice.

You shake your head at him, wishing he wouldn’t play pretend. “Okay then,” you mumble, letting your hand drop from his face. But as it fell, Bucky was quick to grab it, and hold it with a gentle squeeze. When you looked at him again, you knew he meant it as a reassurance, trying to tell you that he was okay.

~

He couldn’t handle the way you looked at him. Like you could see every thought in his head. A knowing gleam in your eyes told him that you didn’t believe him, and you’d be right not to. He wasn’t okay. He never really was. There was so much darkness surrounding him, poisoning every inch of his life. But you. Your touch was gentle and your voice was kind, and even though he had just seen your scar, he couldn’t help but think your world must have been so much brighter than his own. Looking in your eyes, he almost wished he’d never met you. He was so afraid that his pain might infect you too, the only good thing he had left. He wouldn’t ever be able to forgive himself if he let that happen; if he let his past ruin your future.

He wanted to leave, he needed to get out, before any of that could happen.

He slid off the bed quickly, and made his way to grab his clothes, but before he could you grabbed his hand - his left hand.

“Please Bucky don’t.” was all you could say. But the way your voice broke, on the verge of tears, fear of being rejected, of being left alone in the dark by the only man you ever wanted to let in - it was enough to stop his heart. He stood there, frozen from your touch. You kept his hand in yours, and for a second you worried it was too much. You worried you betrayed whatever trust you had built with him. Just holding his bare metal hand felt more violating and revealing than the fact that both of you remained completely naked. But you didn’t want to pull away. You didn’t want him to think you were afraid of him, afraid of the fact his hand could pulverize yours in a second - because you weren’t. You’d felt his touch. You knew how gentle and caring he could be. And you wanted him to see it too. That he wasn’t defined by his worst fears.

You pulled your body towards him, kneeling at the edge and facing him, “You don’t have to leave.” you spoke softly, as if he might be spooked and run off if you were any louder. “You don’t have to push everyone away. Please don’t push me away… I-”

Before you could finish, he was crashing into you. His tongue invading your mouth, like he was trying to soak up your unsaid words. His hands held your waist in place against his, steady and strong, but there was still resistance in his fingers; a hesitance to use too much force with you. You could feel how he feared he might hurt you.

Slowly you leaned back, feathering your fingers over his shoulders to guide him with you, and when he hovered over you, you let them slide into his hair, grabbing what you could and leading his head down…

~~~~

You lay there in the dark with your head on his chest, listening to his steady heart, feeling the crisp sting of metal graze your back. And even though you knew it was ridiculous, all you could think about was how you wanted to keep him safe. The man was stronger than any other human being, and probably thought you were fragile and helpless, and needed his protection more than anything. But still, you wanted him to be okay. You wanted him to know he could be safe.

“I’ll fight them for you.” you whimper quietly, suddenly worried that Bucky may have already fallen back to sleep.

“Huh? Who- what do you mean?” his words stuttered and tripped over his tongue. His half sleeping brain was suddenly running a mile a minute trying to decipher your statement. Who were you fighting? Why would you need to fight them for him? Surely he was more capable of fighting anyone off. He should be protecting you-

“The monsters” you said a little louder. The words feel childish and awkward in your mouth, and once you said them, you wished to take them back. But you decided to push forward, “if you want me to… if you need me… I’m here”

[strawberry-jammers]

My melody (pt 2)

a ghostbur x reader in which you get injured and a friendly ghost is there to help

part 1 part 2 part 3

longer than the last one lmao also unedited

The ghost whent over and handed me some blue dye. All i could do was stare at the familier face, the face that resembled the old, dead, president. Yet it didnt at the same time. It was so much softer, kinder in a way. Yet it held some sort of emotion behind those white eyes that couldnt be seen.

It wasnt insanity like old wilbur.

"Please take the blue, you seem sad." I looked down at this grey-ish hands. The blue dye sat, turning his hands blue the longer he held it.

I took it, slightly confused at the whole situation.

"Um, who are you?" I asked, he smiled brightly. "Im ghostbur!! Your (y/n) right?? I remember you, alivebur liked you a lot. Tho I cant remember much, which is weird sense you dont seem to bring sad memorus." I looked at the blue instead of the ghost.

I didnt have many happy memorys of Wilbur.

The ghost kept smiling. "Say, why are you in bed? Its daytime you know." I looked back at him. "Oh, i got injured, so im in bed healing." The ghost grabbed more blue from his pockets. "Here have some blue!" He put it in my hands. "Um, ghostbur i have no where to put this..." He shoke his head. "You dont keep it, you throw it away! You hold the blue, it sucks up all your sadness, and then you threw it away, taking the sadness with it!" I nodded. "Cool cool, one problem, I cant get out of bed." He nodded, understanding the problem. He looked around, looking for something to help.

He ran over to an empty box in the corner,  grabbing it and pulling out a pen out of his endless pocket. Scribbling on it, he runs back, showing me the box.

It says 'sadness'. "Here, you can throw the blue in here, and when your better, you can throw it out!" I nodded, putting the blue in the box. The ghost closed it, putting it on the floor next to the bed. "There! Now you can feel better!" I smiled. "Yeah."

"Anyways, i better get going! Im running out of invis pots and need to make more. It was nice seeing you (y/n)!!!" I smiled. "It was nice meeting you ghostbur." I waved, watching the ghost leave, closing the door behind him.

He came over everyday after that. Giving me blue at random, and telling me about what someone did that day.

It was cute really. He got excited over the most mudain things.

"Then Tommy punched him, it wasnt very nice of him, but he said he was a wrongen so its okay." I chuckled, knowing Tommy just said that to not get in trouble. "What else did he do?"

Ghostbur loved telling me storys. Most of them where just about him makimg invis potions, or trying to hang out with fundy, but i loved Them all. He had an enthusiasm that i missed. Something that was missing after lmanburg gained independance.

"(Y/n), whos been taking care of you? Making sure you get all healthy and stuff?" Ghostbur asks, siting beside me in my big ass bed. "Oh, Phil and niki. They usually come by early in the morning." He nodds. "I havnt seen niki, is she doing okay?" I nodded. "Shes like everyone else I guess. They seem to just be focusing on building lmanburg again."

"Theyve been doing a really good job, it looks beautiful." I nodded. "Wish i could see it." Ghostbur looked at me. "Have some blue have some blue. Wait, didnt you say you might get to walk soon?" I nodded, putting the blue in the sad box. "Yeah, but honestly my burns still hurt like hell. Idk if im up for it." Ghostbur shook his head, getting up swiftly.

I looked at him curiously as he walked over twords me. "Come on." He says softly, grabbing my good hand. His hands where cold as ice. Didnt know ghosts actually where cold.

I followed him, slowly getting up from my bed, wobbling in the process. "Hey ive got you." Nodded, I fully stood up. "We're gonna walk now. Hold onto me okay?" Ive never seen ghostbur like this. Naive yes, cheery yes, but never...serious? I dont know, normally he doesnt know whats going on.

I took a step forward, my legs having fallen asleep slightly. They still hurt, the burns still hot even after a few months.

We did this for awhile, getting used to walking again.

"Hey you did it! Do you think your up for going to lmanburg?" Ghostbur says, still holding me up. "Yeah, Lemme change real quick tho."

"Yeah but...you might fall." I chuckled slightly. "Im glad your worried, but i need to change. Ive been in the same cloths for weeks." He nodded, slowly letting me go. I wobble slightly at the loss of stability. "Ive got this."

I take one step twords my dresser,

Falling imidietly.

"Are you okay??" Ghostbur says, running twords my side quickly. "Yeah im good, just an idiot hehe." He shook his head. "No, your not an idiot. Can you stand?" I nodded. Ghosbur helped me to my feet.

"Help me to the dresser." I ask, chuckling nervously. He nodded, helping me walk to get cloths. "Didnt think it would be this hard to walk." I say, grabbing out something to wear. "I mean, you did hurt both your legs..." Ghostbur says, grabbing some blue and floating around the room.

"Yeah, and i havnt been using them for a month or two. Its just gonna be hard to reagust i guess..." I put the cloths I picked on the bed and looked at ghostbur. "Hey bur, can you leave the room so i can change real quick?" Ghostbur nodded, happily exsiting the room so i can change.

Putting on some old cloths i used to wear before the wars, i finish up and look at the box of sadness that was on the floor next to my bed. Ghostbur said he wanted to do something with it when I got better.

Knock kncok. "May I come in?" Ghostbur asks, standing on the other side of the door. The ghost walks in, immediatly gushing about my outfit. "Aww you look so cute!! The overalls and sweater combo really works for you!" I smile at the ghostly man. "Thanks. Say, didnt you want to do something with this when i got better?" I say, holding up the box. Ghostbur nodded. "We're gonna throw all your sadness away! Come on, lets go see lmanburg and throw out the sadness." The ghost grabs the box, and helps me out the door.

Exiting that old home felt like bliss. Something i never new i missed in these last months. To lmanburg then.

[sheepprophet]

/rp obv and /lh for the most part!

My thinking out loud for who Ranboo could trust with the enderwalk state, in no particular order:

A. Tommy. Probably one of the most obvious choices imo. He's proven to Ranboo specifically that he can be trusted to protect him in a similar situation (the trial about George's house being griefed where Tommy took the fall for him). I think Ranboo knows that Tommy can keep a secret. And Tommy isnt really on any sides at the moment - apart from his friendship with Tubbo which would probably his one loose end that could end up being a deal breaker for Ranboo. I legit think Tommy is objectively the best choice for this job (and i wanna see akward duo reunite as much as the next guy), but we gotta keep in mind who we're dealing with. Ranboo's likely not going to be think of Tommy as someone who's divorced himself from basically all conflict and is just trying to better himself. He's so paranoid about this exact issue, he's probably going to default to thinking Tommy is essentially just between sides right now. Plus, like I said, Ranboo didn't say he needs someone who "isnt on any side", he said he needs someone who's "detached". While Tommy definitely fills the former, he definitly doesn't fill the latter.

B. A lot of chat was suggesting Techno and/or Phil? Which?? My dudes??? No???? Yeah sure they probably wouldn't care, but Ranboo has made it pretty clear that he's really cautious about telling them things like this in fear that one day, they might care. Plus, when they say they don't care, they really mean it. To be honest, I dont think c!Techno or c!Phil are good people to be that vulnerable to? Mainly because this is something that Ranboo is going to need unprompted reassurance with and I dont really think either of them would think to do that? Plus, they're very much on a side, that being their own. When Ranboo says detached, I think he means really detached (or at least as much as humanly possible on this SMP).

C. Fundy. This one is odd because I could totally see it happening, but I can just as easily see it not. Ranboo and Fundy established a pretty strong bond throughout December, but after Doomsday it completely fell through for them both. They clearly still care about each other and that bond is definitely still there, but its been damaged and they've both been afraid to be the first to make an effort to mend it. I genuinely believe if they would just talk, they'd be back to normal in like 10 minutes. But they'd need to talk first and in this case I think Ranboo would be the one to start the conversation, which he's shown discomfort in doing before. However, if they could bridge this gap, l think Fundy would be a very good choice (as long as he could take it seriously). Obviously, Ranboo can trust Fundy on an emotional level and we know Fundy can keep a secret (almost too well) because of the whole A Spy's Diary situation. Fundy also said himself that he currently has no alliances on the smp, aside from probably Ranboo and Ranboo knows this. Additionally, Fundy is one of the only people, along with Puffy, and of course Dream, who have canonically seen him in his enderwalk state. (Tommy did notice him wandering around like he was in it once, but Ranboo hasn't acknowledged that time as canon, so idk). Anyway, I think Fundy would be a pretty solid choice if they can just get their shit together and finally make up.

D. Karl? I see where y'all are coming from with this one and listen, I would also love to see these to interact and bond over their respective memory issues, bookkeeping, and disrealization problems. But, I hate to break it to you that c!Ranboo literally has no clue about any of that. No one does. Karl hasn't told anybody about his ability to time travel and atm doesnt have any plans to. Granted, Ranboo could choose him for other reasons, but I highly doubt it, honestly?

E. Wilbur? I know what i just said, but Hear Me Out. He's not revived right now and we don't know when he will be or what he'll even be like when/if he is. But, a few things we can guarantee is that when/if he is he'll be one of the most detached people on the server (both politically and probably emotionally), he'd have no qualms with helping out Ranboo even if he does turn out to be some awful war criminal, and, based on his interactions with Ghostbur, I think Ranboo might be willing to trust him. And probably my biggest argument for why i like this crack theory: If Wilbur remembers all of the shit he did, that means he'll be one of the few people who would be able to relate to Ranboo. He knows what it's like to have Dream take advantage of your poor/deteriorating mental health and talk you into commiting acts of terrorism. Wilbur also would know what it's like to feel like you can't trust anyone, including yourself, and he could relate to Ranboo's disrealization he's been experiencing. Plus, I just think getting to see these two interact like this would be neat idk. Definitely not going to happen, but I thought I'd inculde the idea here!

F. Eret. Fuck dude, I really want Ranboo to go to Eret about this. Like first of all, Eret is functionally detached from everything right now (I mean that's why Dream has put them on the throne twice now). All Eret cares about is helping those who need it, which would include Ranboo. I also think Ranboo knows he can trust Eret and we all know Eret would be such a sweetheart about comforting the kid, while also understanding the seriousness of the situation and treating it as such. Something that I also thought was interesting was Ranboo emphasizing that it would be ideal if the person has "kept a secret before". Now, Fundy has also kept a big secret before (again, A Spy's Diary), but ya know who was the one other person who knew about Fundy's spy plan and kept the secret (which was someone else's) just as well? Eret. And of course, the reason Eret was the first person who came to mind for me: Eret betrayed L'manberg all that time ago and, obviously, had to keep it a secret and did with ease, even at a time when the writing couldn't protect it for them. Point is, Eret checks this box multiple times over and gets a gold star on it. On the note of Eret's betrayal, what I said about Wilbur knowing what it's like to be used by Dream to commit terrorism/war crimes, also applies to Eret. It's often forgotten that Eret was actually the first person to be used and manipulated by Dream. Eret wanted respect and power and when Dream found out, he promised it to them in the form of a flimsy title and fancy crown in exchange for turning on their friends, Eret took it. They then regretted it almost instantly. Point is, Eret can not only help Ranboo through this with the care and respect he requires, but can also do so by being able to relate to Ranboo on a personal level, which I think Ranboo would respond to. Eret is sort of the closest Ranboo could have to having someone represent what he's afraid he could become - someone who's seen as a filthy traitor and nothing more, never able to earn back the love and respect of their friends. But, Eret could show him that, with time and a lot of effort, he's worthy of forgivess just like they were. I also really want this for Eret. Let Eret be able to use the experience that they view as their biggest mistake, followed by months of paying for it, as a way to be able to help this kid that's grappling with some pretty heavy problems. It would be so healing for the both of them.