#if i. could communicate better. it would probably solve a lot of my problems

[neonpigeons]

realizing I have an issue where I hold onto feelings too long and then they start to fester and I start to resent some people because of it. it's so unhealthy and it really makes the mental health worse

[beneathsilverstars]

Was explaining my thoughts about Vaugardian attitudes towards mental health and therapy as part of a different topic, but it got really long so dfjkghdf here it is as a whole post! Starting with some more general worldbuilsing but hold on, we’ll get there.

Since Houses canonically contain libraries and infirmaries and provide things like education and transition care, I see them as a center of not just community but specifically community resources. If you have a problem or a question, you go to the local House, and if they can't solve it themself they'll point you in the direction of whoever can! Thus Housemaidens generally fill a role similar to social workers, and specific Housemaidens will have specialties like being a doctor, cook, teacher of a particular subject, etc. In larger cities, a lot of the more specific or labor-intensive resources would probably be outsourced to other charities/companies/organizations, or perhaps split into specialties by House, to better serve a dense population instead of trying to cram every resource into every neighborhood's House. But you would still go to any House first to find these other resources, so every House would maintain a focus on educating and advising. Combine this with the fact that religious leaders are often one of the first people that followers go to for personal guidance, and it makes sense that Housemaidens would provide all sorts of counseling, filling the role of everything from job coach to therapist.

If Housemaidens are the people providing all or at least most of the therapy in the country, then even if they're not trying to push religious doctrine, the Change belief is still going to be the source of the values and philosophies that their therapeutic models are based in. They can try to be nonpartisan and avoid mentioning Change in so many words, but it'll still be baked into the default assumptions of the local modalities in a self-perpetuating manner. If you want an entirely different approach, you're probably going to have find someone who specifically studied alternate modalities from other countries, any of which would have a much smaller market share than Change-based therapies.

So! Vaugardian therapy will focus on questions like "What Changes have been happening in your life lately, and how do you feel about them?" "What would you like to Change in your life?" "What can you Change about your thought processes and habits to address the things that trouble you?" and "Who do you want to be?" Which sound like just a particular way to word fairly common topics, but! These questions would be asked in pursuit of Change-y goals, as well.

The goal of irl mental healthcare as an industry is to make sure people can be productive. A common diagnostic question is "does this symptom interfere with your ability to work and otherwise get things done?" But Vaugardians are friendly and helpful to the point of approaching utopia, so I could see them being less concerned with this, because they're more willing to accept that some people can't work and some people need more support. In fact, in keeping with their distaste for carcinization, they might actively oppose the idea that there is any particular goal that people should be working towards. If there's one type of existence that is best for all people at all times, reaching it would mean there's no reason to ever Change again! So instead of any particular milestones, the goal is simply to set and strive towards goals that feel right to you.

I also think they'd be less likely to work off of a diagnostic model at all; you can't just say that someone inherently has depression. They may be depressed right now, but that can Change! The Change might require constant upkeep, but some Changes are like that, and it doesn't mean the Change is any less real. Instead, they'd probably be more focused on individual symptoms (and traits!), which might tend to come in certain clusters, but those clusters would be seen as trends rather than criteria. The Change modality would be less concerned with whether a state of being is disordered vs normal/healthy (and they'd be less likely to conflate "normal" and "healthy"), focusing instead on whether you're happy with where you're at, but also willing and able to Change as suits you.

So, "I feel apathetic all the time, I don't want to put effort into anything and I don't care about anything, I don't know who I am or who I want to be" would be an experience of depression symptoms that a Vaugardian therapist would prioritize helping you Change. But "I don't care about any of the things I used to care about, I think I want to quit my job and cut off all my friends so I can spend more time sleeping" would be... an idea a good therapist may recommend you spend some time exploring, to make sure that's what you really want and you're ready for the ramifications... but they wouldn't say, "No, that's a bad thing to want, we need to treat your depression so that you no longer want to do that." If you really do hate your job and your friends right now, stagnating in that because you feel like you ought to would be the worst case scenario! If pursuing this Change ends up making you feel unfulfilled and lonely and sick of sleeping all day, then, well, you can just Change again at that point, once you've decided that's what you want to do.

In an opposite example, a common criticism of irl therapy is that it provides bandaid solutions for structural issues. "I'm anxious about losing my job" might be addressed by mindfulness methods to lessen anxiety, which is better than nothing, but if you're genuinely in danger of losing your job and thus access to shelter and food, that's not something you can mindfulness away. Versus, in Change-based therapies, they would focus on discussing what you get out of that job and what about it makes you anxious. You might decide that you want to change careers to something that fits you better right now — which would be a lot easier to accomplish in Vaugarde than it would be irl, because of the resources provided by the Houses and general community. Or, you might decide that there's something about yourself that you want to change in order to better fit the job. So instead of working on the feeling of anxiety, you might work on building new skills, or building better relationships with your coworkers.

... I wrote this post thinking that Vaugardian therapy might use similar techniques to CBT (therapy), since CBT focuses on understanding the patterns of thought, behavior, and belief that lead to psychological issues, so that you can replace negative patterns with habits that serve you better. Sounds like making mental changes in order to change your feelings and actions! It would just be in favor of different goals than irl CBT under capitalism.

However. I did some more research, and it looks like Humanistic therapy is very similar to what I made up just now? According to this text, humanistic therapy "emphasizes growth and self-actualization rather than curing diseases or alleviating disorders." Psychological issues are "viewed as the result of inhibited ability to make authentic, meaningful, and self-directed choices about how to live," so it focuses on "helping people free themselves from disabling assumptions and attitudes so they can live fuller lives."

It's less of a set of techniques and more of a philosophy. According to this website, the key is empathy and "unconditional positive regard," which means the therapist "shows warmth, is receptive, and is nonjudgmental." They cultivate a casual, friendly atmosphere, instead of positioning themself as an authority figure. Client-centered therapy is a subtype that sounds like the most cliché sort of talk therapy; the therapist "listens, acknowledges, and paraphrases your concerns," giving you a space where you can be honest and accepted as yourself. Another subtype is gestalt therapy, which "focuses on the skills and techniques that allow you to be aware of your feelings and emotions," and encourages a focus on the present and self-responsibility.

So! That sounds about right! Vaugardian therapists aim to help you recognize your emotions and figure out who you are and who you want to be, through casual conversation and empathetic active listening, without judgement. They help you look at your skills, emotions, desires, and struggles, and guide you to consider the full breadth of options available to you, so you can decide what Changes will lead you to happiness and fulfillment. They especially try to avoid diagnosing, prescribing, or otherwise telling you who you must be or what you must need. They may provide suggestions — help you put something into words, or bring up options that professionals are more familiar with such as medication, or challenge you to re-examine your assumptions — but it's a collaborative brainstorming, and they want you to freely choose the option you think is best for you.

[jules-ln]

Viktor and Jinx as Zaun, Jayce as Piltover, Arcane's use of art movements as a storytelling device

I am once again writing about Arcane because I am mentally ill and I also love Art history

So anyway I've already talk about Viktor being Art nouveau And how Art nouveau's history was similar to Viktor's story, and I wanted to talk about Jayce being Art Deco, because of his fashion choices in the last episode are pretty much art deco

But then I thought, what if it isn't just about Viktor and Jayce, but it's about Zaun and Piltover in general, and how the relationship between these two cities reflects in these two characters

And somehow I ended up writing this because FUCK

Look, I even got subtitles and everything

But anyway, I won't put citations on this because I'm not that crazy so this isn't a serious academic essay, and as anything else you read on the internet, take the parts about Art history with a grain of salt and you should read more about it (yess, this my elaborated plan to get people into Art history)

Jinx and Viktor as the personification of Zaun

Zaun actually has more of a punk on top rather than just art nouveau, a lot of people seem to think it's steampunk, but honestly, I think that's the result of putting punk and art nouveau together rather than it being pure steampunk

The thing that made me connect the characters as the embodiment of the cities was the fact that I've noticed that Zaun actually has a lot of art nouveau elements; is just that this art nouveau elements seem to be old and broken (I would show you but Tumblr's dumb image limit won't let me)

Now, I've actually talked about the story of art nouveau on another post but to make a brief summary, art nouveau started as a way to give common people art, to redistribute it rather than it just being something for rich people, it failed. But the important part is that art nouveau originally was a leftist art movement, like punk. Punk was a response to the social and economic crisis at the time of its origin; but where Art nouveau was a solution (solution that didn't work, mind you) punk was more of a response (again, don't quote me on that lmao)

Similar to this we can see, how both Viktor and Jinx then embody different responses to the same thing. Viktor is proposing a solution for the problems of Zaun (solution that didn't work) meanwhile Jinx is a reaction to everything that has happened to Zaun, she isn't a problem, she's a consequence

But not only are they the responses to Zaun, they ARE different parts of Zaun

We can see this with Jinx in the relationship she has with Vander, Silco and Ekko.

Both Vander and Silco nurture her and Zaun, and she wouldn't be what she is without both of them

That's why neither Silco nor Ekko could leave her. Silco couldn't give her away because that would be equivalent to him giving away Zaun, and Ekko couldn't give up on her because that would be like giving up on Zaun

Meanwhile with Viktor the influence of his style predominantly being art nouveau reflects in the background at different parts of the city,

And most noticeable is that when Zaun is in a better place, the elements of art nouveau are more prominent, like in episode 7 where punk takes a back seat to the art nouveau. It seems that generally art nouveau signifies a better Zaun, or the potential of it being better

We also see a lot of elements of art nouveau in Viktor's commune, and I know that the commune is interpreted as a negative thing. But look at it this way, what Viktor is doing, is probably doing more good than whatever the hell Caitlyn had going on during the first act (no hate to Cait btw)

Like, I know there are Caitlyn fans out there that defend her decisions of using the gray to attack the Chem barons, but in reality doing that wouldn't solve anything, just create a power vacuum that later could be filled by someone worse (like Renata Glasc) without solving the addiction to Shimmer (again, No hate to Cait). But what Viktor is doing, offering a safe space to recovering addicts and sick people, is actually solving the shimmer problem by eliminating the demand of it; and it's making Zaun better

(I also want to point out that the decision of framing Viktor's commune as a mind controlling cult is very politically charged, because even if it's not perfect; think about it; they're framing a commune in which money probably isn't used at all, and that accepts both recovering addicts and sick people freely and without judgment as something negative)

Add the fact that Viktor is one of the few characters that didn't talk negatively about Jinx (If I remember correctly); neither when he is disarming her bomb nor when he's in the commune talking directly to her; this could be interpreted as Viktor always seeing the potential within the Zaun of now

Adding to that, I want to make the point that Viktor and Jinx probably would be friends if they got to know each other. And I think this headcanon is so popular because they both are expressions of Zaun, of course they're going to be similar and get along

Art deco

Now, I'm not an expert in art deco (I've always been more interested in art nouveau and impressionism). But I know some things about it

Basically Art Deco comes from from the words art décoratif; and it was an art movement that emphasized the utility of art; it had different influences like Mayan art, Egyptian art, Art Nouveau, Rococo etc etc

Some of its characteristics are: straight lines, geometric patterns; a lot of gold, lots of triangles, more is more ideology and ornaments

But the important thing is that Art deco is supposed to be a very superficial art, merely decorative (hence the name); that signifies wealth. It also became strongly associated with machinery and progress. I would argue that in recent years there has been a new connotation of corruption and darkness to it thanks to media like Bioshock

It's definitely a perfect art movement for Piltover; to show the shallowness and money the city has. But the show not only attaches this art movement to the city, it also gives it different characters

Mel and Art Deco

This is the part where my ramblings got out of control because at first I was going to just point out how Jayce has an art movement too; then I realized that Viktor also uses clothes with an art deco pattern in them: (red lines to make the pattern more clear)

But that's weird; why does Viktor uses art deco here when later his main style is art nouveau? Then I realized, it's not just about Viktor and Jayce. But as Zaun and Piltover in general

And I realized that because of a character that also uses a lot of art deco without being from Piltover herself

Mel

Mel during the series uses different clothes, but most of them have in common the geometric pattern of art deco

But she isn't from Piltover; she isn't part of the city in the same way Jayce is. While she has a very big connection to it; the simple fact is that Mel's story is about finding herself; and she can't do it while in Piltover. In Piltover she's only doing what she's always done, searching for her mother's approval

Then why is she associated with art deco?

But I noticed, she isn't. Not completely

Let's look at what Mel actually does instead of what she's wearing

Here we can see one of Mel's paintings

Let's not look at what it is, (it's Noxus) let's look at how Mel painted it; it's has more emphasis on colors and ambient, the form is not very defined; it plays with the light, it almost gives you an impression of Noxus

Yes, Mel is an impressionist painter (think Claude Monet (Vincet van Gogh is post impressionsism btw))

And I think this is important for her character because at the end of the season, she goes back to Noxus looking for who she really is; who she is beyond her mother's influence and beyond Piltover. And guess what

If you hate abstract art blame it on Impressionsism. It came to be around the same time of the invention of photography. Photography filled the role painting had of representing reality, and it did it better, faster, and cheaper. So painting had to change to be more abstract instead of simply aiming to represent reality and all of that started (at least within the context of Europe at that time) with impressionsism

What I'm trying to say it's that impressionism was painting as a medium trying to redefine itself again, it was trying to find its own identity apart from photography. Just like Mel is trying to define herself

Now, if Mel is impressionism; it stand to reason that she's using Art deco, not because she's representative of the city, but simply as a way of showing how she adapted to the city, how it influenced her and helped her grow as a person

I was thinking about that before she debuted as a champion, but I think her voice lines kind of confirmed it

So, hers and Viktor's use of art deco signifies how important Piltover is for them; and if you look at it in a certain way, it's could also be a connection to Jayce

Jayce as Art deco

Now, before anything, I want to analyze Jayce's first design, when he's young

Here it is (and Viktor's, for reasons)

And you know, the first thing it jumped out to me while analyzing it, is that there isn't a lot of art deco elements; more than that, it's too simple for art deco, and he looks almost childish; like if you told me the guy was 18 here. I would believe it

But it also applies with Viktor, the clothes make him look so young and are too simple for art deco

So let's see how both of them look after the timejump

Now, Jayce here has his white blazer (is that the right word?) but again, where are my patterns? My ornaments? My geometric shapes and straight lines? There are some on the blazer; not enough that I would call it art deco

But take it off and boom

It's almost the same as his academy uniform, just change some things and colors here and there, but other than that, it's the same

Compared it with how different Viktor looks

Now, I know the first thing that stands out with Viktor is his change in health, but let's look beyond that, his clothes are completely different

Sure, he still uses elements that are reminiscent of his academy uniform, but that definitely isn't his uniform. The shape is different, the pattern is different, even the colors are a bit different. Viktor changed, but Jayce didn't?

That's because Viktor grew up, Jayce stayed the same, just add some things on top

Jayce's character design in season 1 reflects his mental state, he stayed innocent, naive

Now, why does all of these matters? Because it wasn't until I was looking at Jayce's design in season 2 that I noticed he's Art deco;

The straight lines, the geometric patterns, the ornaments. But he only won the art deco elements after he learned about Zaun, after he had to go through what Viktor had gone through. Before that he wasn't ready yet

Now, I think it's important to say that I'm interpreting Jayce as not only related to Piltover, but as the representation of the best of Piltover itself; he's the best side of Piltover in the same way that Viktor is the potential for a better Zaun

A tale of two cities

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times and I'm a nerd

Now, I think that even after the whole magic plot, Arcane is still fundamentally a story about two cities, and that same relationship it's reflected on its characters; more than that. The dumb ending where Zaun and Piltover forget their differences and work together; I think it was the plan all along and as proof of that, I present to you Viktor and Jayce's relationship

I've seen a lot of people say that the dynamic between Piltover and Zaun reflects itself in the dynamic between Vi and Jinx, and honestly; that doesn't makes sense to me

Because, I understand Jinx being Zaun, I've already said it myself; but Vi isn't Piltover, and the relationship Vi has with Jinx isn't even remotely similar to the relationship Piltover has with Zaun (If you want to make the case, I would say it would be more accurate to say that Jinx is Zaun and Cait is Piltover, and Vi is the person trapped between the two, unable to choose)

But if look elsewhere, you know who would be a perfect comparison for Piltover and Zaun? Jayce and Viktor, and you might say "well, Jayce and Viktor's relationship isn't at all like Piltover and Zaun's relationship either"

That's because, like I've already said, Jayce is the better version of Piltover, and Viktor is the potential yet to realize in Zaun. So basically if Caitlyn and Jinx's relationship is meant to reflect the problems the two cities have in the present. Jayce and Viktor's relationship gives the solution, which is "put aside your differences and work together as equals"

And you can see that as well in their design

Side to side, these two designs exemplify the fundamental differences between Art Nouveau and Art Deco

Art Nouveau looks flowy, soft, feminine, floral patterns, asymmetry. Art Deco is expensive, machinery, modern, sharp angles, symmetry and straight lines, but that's not all

I've already said that Jayce design changed at the end of the season because Jayce finally matured, he's ready to be the best of Piltover, now he has earned the art Deco. But what do my eyes see here?

A flowy soft pattern on Jayce? A Floral pattern even? That's art nouveau right there

And then you look at Viktor's final form (in this picture is easier to see) and What's that on his chest? Symmetry? Straight lines? Machinery? That's art deco

So are you telling me that Jayce will always have some Viktor in him, while Viktor will always have some Jayce in him?

Are you telling me that the best of Piltover will always have some Zaun in it? While the potential of Zaun will always involve Piltover?

And you might think that is a bit of a stretch, but it makes sense with the ending Arcane has

Think about it; the show says that the best solution for the two cities is for them to put aside their differences and work together as equals; and I can't help but think that's what Jayce and Viktor are already doing

Jayce doesn't care that Viktor is from Zaun, and Viktor trust Jayce even with him being from Piltover; and it's only working together that they can reach their true potential. As in every time-line in which they aren't together, they never invent Hextech

The ending of arcane

Tbh, I'm not saying that the ending of the Piltover and Zaun conflict was good even if it was planned all along; but I also think a lot of people expected a leftist masterpiece, like the moment the most revolutionary character is also a mob boss and the main villain of season 1, you can totally tell that it wasn't going to another disco elysium (funnily enough disco elysium also has the mob boss being the union leader lmao)

I'm just analyzing the things I found, and while some might seem like a reach, I'm a 100% death of the author guy and I believe in making my own meaning

And I want to say this is the first time I've seen art history used in this way for visual storytelling. They could've very well just use generic steampunk visuals; but they decided to do something meaningful. Just for that alone I consider Arcane a masterpiece of animation

[sosbanfach64]

the language of flowers: an analysis of play #33- marigolds, bluebells & hugh

the language of flowers, or floriography, is a communication method in which different types of flowers convey secret messages. it was particularly popular during the victorian era. 

mb&h obviously mentions flowers a lot. the exact flowers that are in it are marigolds, bluebells, the flaschem naschem orchid, and daisies (which hugh asks for in the florist’s). and bonus! since the longform is set in 1870 it actually makes sense lore-wise!!!!!!

i’ve been obsessed with slang, code and language in general since forever, and essentially this post is just me nerding out. there’s a lot so it’s under the cut. i’ll reblog with a condensed version if you are interested but don’t want to read all of this :D

note- flowers do not have consistent meanings throughout all floriographic sources. if you’re interested, the book i have used as my reference is The Language Of Flowers by margaret pickston. this book was published in 1968 but its contents date back to 1913, so i am relatively confident in its relevance.

bluebell: constancy

hugh is unexposed to the outside world due to his mother’s protectiveness and also fear. he doesn’t go to school and has never Bread a book (i love that line can you tell). he is expected to have fun “within the confines of the house”. essentially his life fucking sucks and every day is the same. probably

this would have lasted forever without inga’s influence- especially because she didn’t just help him see the world, she solved the problem that stopped him seeing it in the first place (by standing up for him (and also laden-hose dancing)).

another way of looking at it- hugh having bluebell eyes represents the monotonous and repetitive (CONSTANT!) nature of his life. the reveal of *why* he has bluebell eyes is simultaneously the reveal of why his life is this way, and gives a sense closure. this causes the constancy to end as the play ends.

marigold: despair

inga caused despair in a multitude of ways. hugh is shown the outside world through her and then has it snatched from him. hugh’s longing to impress inga leads him into the forest where he learns the truth about his parents. he also watches them both die :/ however the despair is also relevant because it is an antonym for hope, and ultimately inga is a cause of hope in hugh- for freedom, love(?), a better life in general.

despair is notable in her own character as well as to the plot. she is sent away by her father at a young age. once she returns to otterinberg he is intent on putting her to work in the florist’s, and while she does want to help with the business, otto sees her more of a worker than a daughter. we can infer that he has had this mindset since she was young, and sent her away so that she could be as useful as possible. their relationship grew in literal and emotional distance, meaning all her hope of a loving father was lost. she was also bullied at the boarding school. this likely lead to further resentment towards him

and also prophecy

hugh tells inga she has marigold eyes upon first meeting her. then, she (indirectly) leads hugh to venture into the forest and meet his father. inga being represented by a marigold certainly is prophetic in itself in terms of despair, as she reveals things that cause despair. but there’s also the fact she helps him complete the ‘prophecy’ of reuniting with the flaschem naschem.

ALSO!!!! inga canonically has dreams in which she can see the entire forest, including the clearing with the blue tree. she has never actually seen the flaschem naschem before, yet still knows where it is and what it looks like. this means she has *prophetic dreams* :0

orchid: a belle (beautiful woman- specifically the most beautiful [at an event])

hugh has a dream in which he is convinced he needs to get the orchid for inga. he sees her not just as beautiful, but the most beautiful person ever, (because he has never seen a girl before but shh). he wants to find the flaschem naschem to impress her. the orchid in this way symbolises his love for her and that to him she is a ‘belle’.

“brown-eyed daisy” (rudbeckia): justice

there is no such thing as a “brown-eyed daisy” as far as i’m aware (and if there is it’s not called that!!). HOWEVER there is a flower called rudbeckia that looks like a daisy. and its common names include ‘yellow daisy’ and ‘brown-eyed susan’, so i’ve chosen to believe that this is what she was referring to.

these daisies are relevant because of the justice she helps hugh have by the end of the longform. he gains freedom and a friend. his mother allows him this and shows that she cares for him by sacrificing herself for him. his evil manipulative tree father bleeds to death (hip hip hooray). she essentially is promising this to him when she offers to give him a “brown-eyed daisy”

“giant daisy” (oxeye): a joker

simply, inga is showing likes hugh’s humour, such as the “marigold eyes” and “is that a woman” comments. if we read into it, this is the most love anyone has shown to her in a long time, what with being away and her asshole dad (that’s right fuck you otto). and she wants to show him that even though he is joking/slightly delusional, she appreciates it

thanks if you’ve made it all the way to the end! feel free to ask any questions!!!! alternative/additional points are very welcome :-)

i’m planning on analysing other plays in which flowers play an important role, such as priscilla’s final petal and divorces & teddy bears. let me know if you’d be interested in any other specific ones!

also, thank you to @ilikeasstrology for reading my original early-stage ramblings about this !!!!!! you’re the best

[bloggingboutburgers]

I admire you so much for being able to share your experiences as an aro ace. It’s so funny, because most of my community knows I’m aro ace, but like, I’m so scared of sharing my personal experience and I think it’s because of how much it hurts to think of that part of my life.

The number of years I spent thinking I was broken because I didn’t feel any kind of attraction to others, forcing myself to date in the hopes that it would “just click” like people kept telling me, getting stressed and mentally distraught when I tried to force myself to show any sort of affection… It’s a hard thing for me to relive a lot of that. I very distinctly remember trying to kiss a guy I was dating that I didn’t want to kiss, but felt I needed to. I spiraled into such a bad panic attack that I drove two hours in a terrible blizzard just so I could get back home to what I felt was a safe place.

I think the hardest part for me was people not understanding my aro ace-ness. The difficulties of simply having a male friend around and having to listen to people constantly ask me if I have a crush on them, then acting as if I’m being coy when I say no (even though there’s no indication of that in my voice). I started dreading inviting my friend to events for that specific reason.

When I did try to date, all it did was add more stress to my life. I was constantly expected to be spending every free moment I had with these guys, and I didn’t want to do that. I don’t think it clicked with my family until I broke down in a hysterical sob one day because of how much guilt-tripping was being done to me when I told them I didn’t want to hang out with him.

And the icing on the cake… the number of times I’ve been told to find a partner because “they don’t want me to reach 50 and be alone and miserable.” To be told that romance is the only way you’ll find true happiness… it’s painful. To be told that the things that bring you joy are not true happiness, that your platonic relationships mean nothing in the grand scheme of things… it hurts far more than anyone realizes.

I should probably stop here, ‘cause I’m getting all choked up, but I guess the bottom line is, thank you so much for sharing your experience and making me feel validated. It means so much to me. Keep being awesome, my friend 💕

I'm so sorry for all the hardships... I recognize myself so much in a lot of what you're sharing. I hate in particular that people act like "ending up alone and miserable" is 100% on you, like THEY don't have a say in that and a role to play in that and they're not basically actively contributing to that alienation RIGHT NOW. If people cared about anything beyond a sexual or romantic partner and kids, if people remembered that friendship is a thing and it's a thing that oughta matter, that would solve the problem much better than forcing everyone to conform against their will.

The only reason I feel comfortable enough to say I'm aroace at this point is because one day when I was 21, a girl I told it to just replied "Oh, okay", which was the first time in my life I ever got a reply like this and not a slew of questions or dismissal. That made my brain explode. In a good way. I'll always be grateful for her, she probably will never know how much. She opened up the door for me to be vocal about myself more confidently and build the invaluable support system of friends, and my partner, and my family, that I have today, and that in turn works as a virtuous circle.

And the only reason I feel comfortable sharing it in the form of comics now is because I did once in 2022 during asexual awareness week just to try some vent art for fun, and people didn't ignore it, or didn't dismiss it, but actually reacted positively to it. That encouraged me to make more. The reason I'm this comfortable and vocal about it online today is thanks to you guys here reading this. Having a positive reaction to what IS pretty much vent art disguised as comedy also shows me I'm not alone. This whole thing is mutual. So thank YOU, and thanks to anyone reading my stuff, for also making me feel validated.

[pillowfriendly]

if this isn't overstepping, do you have any advice for staying hopeful and not being a defeatist?

man why are you asking me. Okay well I do have an answer and it's

FUCK HOPE #FUCKHOPE

hope is an individual thing and you can have it or not. I don't think it matters. Work is what matters.

(putting a cut cause I yapped too much)

What I mean by work is political/labor organizing, mutual aid, direct action, that sort of thing. Only material action will make a material difference, so whatever gets you to do that is what you need. That can be hope, but shit looks bad right now so as a consistent motivator.... it's iffy.

I don't know what would get you out the door, so I'll tell you what works for me and you'll see what I mean. I do a good bit of mutual aid work right. I don't think the problem of homelessness will be solved in my lifetime. It'll probably get worse. But I see people on the street with no place to stay and no food to eat, and I know it is a problem that could be solved. That everyone could have a warm bed and meals every day, and the only reason they don't is cause some people are so goddamn greedy they would rather accumulate money and resources beyond what they could use in a thousand lifetimes.

And I fucking hate that. I hate it. It makes me so fucking mad, so indignant that some people have nothing, that I want to do something about it. I'm a chef, so I distribute free meals because FUCK these people hoarding everything. They could fix it but they won't, so I'll fucking do it then. People need to eat.

And the spite that makes me want to do something, and this is so cornball that saying it makes me wanna die but whatever it's true, but by just going out and doing this stuff, gets me love as a motivator too. I love the other people who come out every week with me to grocery shop and prep and package and distribute meals. I see and talk to the people who take them and I love them too. I want to do it for them.

Is that hope? Not really. But it keeps me from being defeatist because I can see that we're making a difference. A little one; we're not changing the world or anything. But lots of people didn't go hungry for a day cause of us.

So that's how I know it's not just a hope that we can change things for the better. It's the real, material outcome of people working together to do something. Cause and effect. Nothing is destined and anything can change--if action is taken to change it.

take this as you will. I'm mostly on tumblr dot com for memes and blorboposting; my politics are mostly an offline thing for me but... Remember the only thing that beats fascism back, long-term, is communism. And communism isn't some magical thing that's gonna come save us, it's a state made of a set of conditions that we can bring about. And each of these conditions makes the world better even on its own! Unionization and increased worker control of labor is good! Socialized healthcare is good! Food and housing available to all is good! Do something to further any of these, even incrementally, so you can see the change you made and know that you made it. I bet you'll wanna do it again.

So yeah, fuck hope. The world sucks anon. What are you gonna do about it?

[thecoolnauta]

GENSHIN WITH A TEEN!CREATOR WHO IS LIKE LUZ NOCEDA PART TWO

okay so this is part two and i'm just so dizzy but i'v been ALL THE MAMAHUEVO day thinking about this so yeah

TW: gn reader, teenager reader (ALL IS PLATONIC), some mentions of bullying but not that many, maybe sm angstand a lot of spoilers abut the archons missions, reader calling themselfs "bad boy" but meh

part one :)

So you were running for your life

No, seriously you're running for your life, don't laugh about it again

Some random people with a very ugly green uniform were hunting you like you were some type of a witch of the 1600's because you tried to ask them for directions

People of the town being so mean to you sounds like a frocking fanfic trope

Your weak nerd legs wouldn't handle it anymore, but you still running like they have told you there is a special product of your hyperfixation on sale.

AND! you have an egg

A magic egg, with... shinny shell

Running, running, running, blahblahblah, you almost pass out when you lost them closer to a beach

Pretty view, huh?

You heard their steps and hide behind a big stone, your legs and lap now wet by the crystal water

They left and you stop holding the staff like your life dependet of it.

Oh! that's your reflection, you haven't seen your face in hours

...

THAT'S NOT YOUR FACE

The horns and the black eyes felt like some very creep vision of yourself, but you couldn't get that first impresion of you out of your head.

You looked like something, not like someone

Even though your face looks "correct" now, the feeling of the itchy skin and the fragile organs aren't something you would forget any time soon.

"Well, let's not think about that, this bad boy needs to find any social community or will cry" you jump of the stone and continue walking wherever the wind guides you

Actaully, why does the wind feels like guiding you?

pointpointpoint

WHATEVER PROBABLY YOUR SKIN FELLING TO MUCH LIKE ALWAYS :D

(Venti actually let out a big sigh lol)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE GONE, JEAN?!"

"Why do I feel a deja vu about all this?"

And there they were, the most influent persons of all Mondstadt discussin about this very serious problem to solve... and a bard (who is actually their god but shhh).

"But, what do we do now? We don't have any idea of-" the bard was interrupted by the youngest girl.

"Master Jean, we must ask to the Traveler for more information, that letter is the only thing we have? Amber asked, her frown hidding her tears.

"Sadly yes, Amber. This is the only thing we have to prepare ourself in any case" Jean said, her untied blond hair flying around.

"What do you mean with 'prepare ourself', Jean?" Diluc asked, his leg shacking with anxiety.

"Well" the witch started, avoiding eye contact.

"Aether said... that probably his Guide... the new found god that had been helping us is now..." Kaeya said, walking around the room. Everyone felt his nerves, because they were just as nervous as him. "It's now corporeal"

"What"

"Corporeal, we can touch them, they are now... With us."

Silence filled the room, holding breaths and silent screams are all the winds can reach.

"Master Jean!" Noelle enter to the room, feeling the heavy vibes of the place, still stay with a anxious face.

"What's wrong, Noelle?" she replaid.

"Umh well..." She took a deep breath, letting it all out in a shout with a bow.

"There's a prisioner teenager who scaped from the bouild with rare magic, they don't have any visions and they act like they were from another world, like Traveler!" a quiet and long time pass, slow and slow and- "Okay I'm going, anything you need just say my name."

She leave, then, a loud shout singing the same song was heard in any corner of Monds.

"THE CREATOR!"

I'M SO DIZZY THIS COULD BE A LOT BETTER BUT THAT'S IT BY NOW, TOMORROW I WILL PUBLIC THE PART 3, BYE :)

[river-taxbird]

The Four Horsemen of the Digital Apocalypse

Blockchain. Artificial Intelligence. Internet of Things. Big Data.

Do these terms sound familiar? You have probably been hearing some or all of them non stop for years. "They are the future. You don't want to be left behind, do you?"

While these topics, particularly crypto and AI, have been the subject of tech hype bubbles and inescapable on social media, there is actually something deeper and weirder going on if you scratch below the surface.

I am getting ready to apply for my PhD in financial technology, and in the academic business studies literature (Which is barely a science, but sometimes in academia you need to wade into the trash can.) any discussion of digital transformation or the process by which companies adopt IT seem to have a very specific idea about the future of technology, and it's always the same list, that list being, blockchain, AI, IoT, and Big Data. Sometimes the list changes with additions and substitutions, like the metaverse, advanced robotics, or gene editing, but there is this pervasive idea that the future of technology is fixed, and the list includes tech that goes from questionable to outright fraudulent, so where is this pervasive idea in the academic literature that has been bleeding into the wider culture coming from? What the hell is going on?

The answer is, it all comes from one guy. That guy is Klaus Schwab, the head of the World Economic Forum. Now there are a lot of conspiracies about the WEF and I don't really care about them, but the basic facts are it is a think tank that lobbies for sustainable capitalist agendas, and they famously hold a meeting every year where billionaires get together and talk about how bad they feel that they are destroying the planet and promise to do better. I am not here to pass judgement on the WEF. I don't buy into any of the conspiracies, there are plenty of real reasons to criticize them, and I am not going into that.

Basically, Schwab wrote a book titled the Fourth Industrial Revolution. In his model, the first three so-called industrial revolutions are:

1. The industrial revolution we all know about. Factories and mass production basically didn't exist before this. Using steam and water power allowed the transition from hand production to mass production, and accelerated the shift towards capitalism.

2. Electrification, allowing for light and machines for more efficient production lines. Phones for instant long distance communication. It allowed for much faster transfer of information and speed of production in factories.

3. Computing. The Space Age. Computing was introduced for industrial applications in the 50s, meaning previously problems that needed a specific machine engineered to solve them could now be solved in software by writing code, and certain problems would have been too big to solve without computing. Legend has it, Turing convinced the UK government to fund the building of the first computer by promising it could run chemical simulations to improve plastic production. Later, the introduction of home computing and the internet drastically affecting people's lives and their ability to access information.

That's fine, I will give him that. To me, they all represent changes in the means of production and the flow of information, but the Fourth Industrial revolution, Schwab argues, is how the technology of the 21st century is going to revolutionize business and capitalism, the way the first three did before. The technology in question being AI, Blockchain, IoT, and Big Data analytics. Buzzword, Buzzword, Buzzword.

The kicker though? Schwab based the Fourth Industrial revolution on a series of meetings he had, and did not construct it with any academic rigor or evidence. The meetings were with "numerous conversations I have had with business, government and civil society leaders, as well as technology pioneers and young people." (P.10 of the book) Despite apparently having two phds so presumably being capable of research, it seems like he just had a bunch of meetings where the techbros of the mid 2010s fed him a bunch of buzzwords, and got overly excited and wrote a book about it. And now, a generation of academics and researchers have uncritically taken that book as read, filled the business studies academic literature with the idea that these technologies are inevitably the future, and now that is permeating into the wider business ecosystem.

There are plenty of criticisms out there about the fourth industrial revolution as an idea, but I will just give the simplest one that I thought immediately as soon as I heard about the idea. How are any of the technologies listed in the fourth industrial revolution categorically different from computing? Are they actually changing the means of production and flow of information to a comparable degree to the previous revolutions, to such an extent as to be considered a new revolution entirely? The previous so called industrial revolutions were all huge paradigm shifts, and I do not see how a few new weird, questionable, and unreliable applications of computing count as a new paradigm shift.

What benefits will these new technologies actually bring? Who will they benefit? Do the researchers know? Does Schwab know? Does anyone know? I certainly don't, and despite reading a bunch of papers that are treating it as the inevitable future, I have not seen them offering any explanation.

There are plenty of other criticisms, and I found a nice summary from ICT Works here, it is a revolutionary view of history, an elite view of history, is based in great man theory, and most importantly, the fourth industrial revolution is a self fulfilling prophecy. One rich asshole wrote a book about some tech he got excited about, and now a generation are trying to build the world around it. The future is not fixed, we do not need to accept these technologies, and I have to believe a better technological world is possible instead of this capitalist infinite growth tech economy as big tech reckons with its midlife crisis, and how to make the internet sustainable as Apple, Google, Microsoft, Amazon, and Facebook, the most monopolistic and despotic tech companies in the world, are running out of new innovations and new markets to monopolize. The reason the big five are jumping on the fourth industrial revolution buzzwords as hard as they are is because they have run out of real, tangible innovations, and therefore run out of potential to grow.

[watercolor-hearts]

I’ve been wanting to talk about the other ideas I have for my little Pecco universe since I wrote the first story for it but things are difficult nowadays so I could only finish writing them down now. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually write them because I feel like I put all my energy into the first story but if there are people who are interested in any of these, I might try and put something together, just let me know. ❤

The first idea takes place the morning/day after the first story. 

Bez wakes up to big (adult) Pecco trying to clean the bed next to him after the small accident that happened at night. Pecco’s really ashamed of the accident and of the whole age-regression thing, he doesn’t want to talk about it and he wants Bez to forget about it and pretend like nothing’s happened. But Bez is a good friend and he doesn’t want Pecco to feel ashamed so he tries to talk to him to show that nothing will change (in a negative way) after this because there’s nothing wrong and he has no reason to worry.

-

I spent a few nights thinking about Vale finding out about Pecco’s regression and I really love this idea.

Luca and Pecco (and some other people) are at Vale’s for a family gathering or something similar. They’re outside, eating, chatting etc. but Giulietta wants to go inside to play so Pecco offers to go with her so that she’s not alone in the house. They play together for a while and Pecco slowly regresses. It’s not a problem until Giulietta wants the same toy he’s playing with and takes it away from him. It upsets Pecco so much he starts crying but luckily Luca comes to check on them and he notices that Pecco’s is in his little headspace and tries to solve the problem and help him feel better and maybe try and play with something else. And how comes Vale in the picture? Giulietta tells him that Pecco’s crying and Vale isn’t sure if he understands his daughter well because why would Pecco be crying?! So obviously he has to go and see what’s going on and a minute later he realizes his daughter was right because Pecco’s indeed crying in Giulietta’s room and even though Luca is there, it doesn’t seem like Pecco’s calming down so after simply just standing in the doorway for a few moments, listening to what Luca’s saying and what Pecco’s doing to get a bit of an idea about the situation, he decides to try and help because his experience with two kids might come handy in a situation like this. There’s no judgement, no questions, just comfort and a bit of communication to show him how to play with other kids. 

-

And another one that’s come to my mind when looking at the patches of the third week of the summer camp and seeing the “Puppy Play (or playing with a puppy)” patch is little Pecco playing with Turbo at home on the rug of the living room or outside in the grass. I don’t know what exactly I’d write about in this because it’s just a nice thought, it probably wouldn’t be longer than a few sentences, but I like imagining happy little Pecco because most of his little time is more on the sad side or they come from something sad/upsetting happening so the happy moments are really special. (Also, he has a Turbo plushie and a blanket with lots of sausage dogs on it he sleeps with.)

-

These are all the little Pecco ideas I currently have but I have a few non-age regression MotoGP-related ideas, too, so if you’re interested in them, let me know and I’m gonna talk about them in a post.

[are-you-still-writing-that]

Killua Relationship Headcanons

As soon, as I step out of a format, believe me I´m struggling. So, I already know, that I will also struggle quite badly with this one. Though, I´m sure I will find my way around this one as well.

What I´m looking at is a request from a darling anon, who requested relationship headcanons for Killua, in response of me posting the yandere headcanons. So, I will have to take another look at this boy and figure out how he would act as well in this particular situation.

Well, that´s surely going to piece of cake, won´t it...

Killua Relationship Headcanons

He was very likely the driving force behind getting this relationship started → very picky who he talks too, or even which names he remembers

Because of something like this, he wouldn´t even realize if you were the one flirting with him

This could become very funny (at least to me), if you´re oblivious

A bit of a bastard to you

Tends to pick on you quite a bit → all in good faith, even though some of his comments tend to turn into a mean direction

Hilariously enough, it´s how he tries to show you affection → bit of Kindergarten-Logic that one

Still very attentive and attuned to you → knows when he hurt you and apologizes, also aware when something seems to be stressing you out

He is aware of what you´re feeling

This will cause, by the way, as many problems as it´s solves

Because he somewhat expects you to be attuned to him in the same way

Which means he rarely talks about hat he feels, and just thinks you will know what he feels without him telling you

It´s like pulling teeth when you try talking emotions with him as well... good luck...

Someone who shares food with you

Another way he tries to show you affection → like I said very much like 5 year old...

Say goodbye to an evening at home → wants to see new stuff whenever he can and enjoys sharing the experience with his partner

You better get along with Gon and Alluka

Otherwise he will drop you without hesitation (their opinion means everything to him) → later yours will as well

Actually takes a lot of input from you

Tends to remember your likes and dislikes very well

Will show this very off-handedly (probably not even actively memorizing anything)

Has a habit of losing himself in his relationships

You NEED to ask him every now and then for his opinion and separate the two of you into individual people, instead of being one

Needs someone who can slow him down every now and again → he´s always alert, all the time, it will burn him out someday

Don´t sweep him along → he needs the space, otherwise he will be lost!

Hilariously enough, a bit of a gentleman → tends to walk on the side wherever the road is, like he bodily puts himself between the road and you

In general tends to put himself bodily between any perceived danger and you → also something that seems to happen unconsciously

Also the first one that will pull you away from some things

Likes to keep you in sight of him → a strong tendency to let you decide where to go, or to simply point over you shoulder when he wants to go somewhere specific

Not big on PDA → will hold your hand, sure, but please don´t kiss him, yeah the hug is also fine

Terrible at communication → never tells you anything

Doesn´t mean he is good at keeping secrets though... → he will share it before you know it with Gon or Alluka

Their secrets are also shared with you though Still, there is always some understanding between the two of you and he always tries to make sure that you know that he loves you. He understands your actions and your words and knows that you know him well enough to understand him as well. He is someone, that will try to make the relationship work. And with a little bit of cooperation, you two will make bond, that could last a lifetime.

[killalluchihas]

So I've been thinking about Yoshi meeting out favorite lawyers, and then of course, you mentioned that little nugget of info, that Foggy watched the rec league that she pitches for. And now I'm torn between "what if she meets foggy because of weird small world happenstance" and my original thoughts, which circled around her meeting them in a professional capacity.

Cause it's new york, I can totally see how she and Wendy could end up having to deal with some shitty landlord and seeking out legal assistance. Or maybe Yoshi decked someone he totally deserved it, and now he's trying to press charges (personally, I do think it's kinda funny the idea that Yoshi has, until that point, not really faced many consequences from her habit of solving problems with her fists). So she begrudgingly seeks legal representation. Or perhaps she's trying to sort through the process of applying for disability for Mariko.

And if Wendy was around for any of this? I think it'd be really interesting how she might react to Matt, cause well, it's complicated. His intentions? Generally good. But also he is dangerous, and has been involved in wild shit. I feel like she might be a bit distant and closed off, distrusting at first, just cause there's definitely something going on with him that isn't what it seems and it's a lot to try and figure just from a vibe check. And Yoshi is just generally vaguely distrustful and closed off to strangers.

Foggy crows about this whole situation, teasing that "finally! Beautiful women who aren't immediately charmed by Matt!"

But I can imagine that maybe, she starts to warm up to him after she mumbles something colloquial (and probably quite rude, or at least put of pocket) in Spanish. He hears and fails to completely suppress the snort, ends up sorta coughing on the sip of his coffee that he just took. She clocks this and thinks "hm he's alright maybe."

Or if they're helping Mariko get disability, maybe she has to leave for a moment, step into the other room briefly for a call, or whatever, and she comes back and he's talking softly to Mariko in Spanish. Since sometimes that's easier for her to understand and maybe respond to, and Yoshi sees that genuine gesture. Matt, unlike Gojo, definitely would be more understanding and empathetic learning about Mariko's condition - handles it better than most people.

I love the idea that Matt keeps coming back to being curious about 'that pitcher lady'. Sorta in denial about being interested, annoyed that he keeps randomly thinking about her and the definitely supernatural shit she had going on. Tells himself it isn't important, then justifies to himself that it makes sense to be concerned because she could be dangerous. After a week (or few) of being kinda distracted, finally manages to convince himself to move on from worrying about some random civilian, and then she walks in the office door.

Oooh I've thought about this too! I think Foggy only notices Yoshi in passing at the rev league, but has never spoken to her and it takes a moment for him to recognize her up close as that really good baseball pitcher.

My biggest problem with getting Yoshi to meet N&M normally is that they're all the way in Hell's Kitchen while she's either living in Queens or on the Lower East Side. So, they'd have to have a bit of a reputation already and she'd need a strong recommendation to seek out N&M...

But, besides that geographical question, I LOVE the idea of Matt helping out Mariko!! He would be so kind to her, because he can sense how anxious she is about new people and trying to communicate with them.

I have no idea how Wendy would react, tbh. I think Matt's vibes would be so wrong but also so right for the office life, she might put on her detective hat and investigate until she discovers Daredevil out of sheer insatiable curiosity. Or, she would avoid him like the plague because if he noticed too much about Yoshi and herself, he'd be the one uncovering dangerous secrets.

[honeygrahambitch]

My favorite hypothesis in this fandom are probably those related to Hannibal's trauma about speaking Lithuanian. And if you are not familiar with the povs, they are basically that Hannibal would use Lithuanian words as love language for Will OR that he would just never want to use that language ever again cause it's way too stained by what happened in his past.

I, in general, love the idea of him using some words only with Will but this time I have a headcanon which considers the second option.

If Will and Hannibal had a baby (doesn't matter how, your choice) I think that Hannibal would manage to overcome his trauma and build something on that only by teaching his child to speak Lithuanian.

I am 100% a hannigram baby would be a multilingual baby. Cause Hannibal speaks french and italian and lithuanian and I'm pretty sure a few other languages as well and he would love his kid to learn some of those.

Will is happy with whatever he decides but he makes a comment at some point, as subtle as he can (not subtle at all). "What other languages can you speak?"

"I can do a bit of japanese." (Makes sense, his aunt was japanese, he had grown up with her at some point)

"That would be a bit too difficult for a toddler." Will goes on, still being subtle.

"I agree." Hannibal says. "But she is doing great with italian."

"I know, I think she taught me a few words yesterday." Will adds. Multilingual kids are not always aware when that they change a few languages in just one sentence. He is thinking of how to approach it. "Maybe you could also try something different?"

"Like german? I thought about that as well."

"No, not german..." He replies thinking of a reason. "It sounds bad."

"Then something slavic? I haven't practiced in years but at some point in my life I could do croatian well enough."

"Why would she need to know Croatian, Hannibal? The alphabet is too hard for a kid who is doing other two languages as well."

"Then what were you thinking? I have exhausted my list, dearest." He is amused with Will who is very neutral towards his impressive skills.

"You haven't exhausted it." Will says. "Yet."

Hannibal gestures for him to go on and explain.

"I was thinking our kid should be somehow more connected to our backgrounds."

The flicker in Hannibal's eyes dies instantly.

"We won't move back to the US and I want her to know a lot of things about it."

"Mhm. The US are sure not the elephant in the room." Hannibal says passively. "Just move on to what you've been trying to say for 30 minutes."

"I am not saying that you have to, I'm just saying that you should teach her Lithuanian. And me as well." He says softly and blinks a few times, trying to analyze the emotional battle that is going on inside Hannibal's head.

"I haven't spoken or written in Lithuanian in 40 years, my skills would lack."

"But that's not the problem, is it? We both know they wouldn't lack."

Hannibal sighs as Will sits on the sofa next to him.

"I know that's a whole tower in your memory palace, which I am trying to access. And I know you don't like it. And I also don't want to push you too far."

They had a lot of time to work better on their communication issues in the last years. You can't solve every conflict with a knife when you are trying to raise a child in a healthy atmosphere.

"I agree with the fact that she should be connected to our backgrounds. It's just... difficult."

"You have said before that Lithuanian reminds you of... everything. But I really believe that if you taught our kid Lithuanian, you wouldn't view it in the same light again. I think you can make something beautiful out of it."

"It makes me remember people that I will never talk to again. And that is something which will always be burnt deep down in my memory palace. If I take up Lithuanian again, then everything else comes to surface too."

"Make something else out of it. Make it the language you speak to your child, not a language that is stained by your past. Use it to call me in stupid cheesy ways that would probably sound like swearwords."

Hannibal cracks a smile when he sees the dumb look on Will's face. He knows he is trying his best not to hurt him.

"You are right, it's not phonetically pleasing. Not like Italian or french or-"

"It's yours, it will be phonetically pleasing to me."

**

Oh and it takes time. And it takes some processing. But they are getting there.

When their daughter is 14 she switches between languages very comfortably.

Will loves to watch her and Hannibal argue in Lithuanian. He has learnt enough words to tell what they are talking about but it's always more entertaining to watch.

Nothing softens Will more than being called mylimasis.

[drdemonprince]

if you ever have the time and space to answer this i'd be very thankful

how can i take any let downs by friends less personal and continue giving people chances/inviting them in and being vulnerable without hurting myself/gettung hurt in the process? i'm guessing the answer is to find a balance, but are there ways to go about it easier? no matter how much i try to communicate and and manage expectations... i appreciate my friends greatly, but still i often feel let down when they cant come to things that are important to me though i understand that things can happen and theres usually reasons for not being able to make something and i am not their priority number one in a system that exhausts all of us- it just keeps happening and i don't want to grow bitter and alone but cherish the people in my life and trust they are trying their best

I think you can start by practicing being more flaky and unreliable and more reliant up on your friends' grace as well! When we feel resentful, it is often a sign that we are doing far too much, and not having our needs cared for. I used to be one of the most reliable mother fuckers around -- it was my senior superlative, actually, Most Reliable! ha! -- and I resented just about everyone for being less put together, less likely to follow through, less prone to doing what they said and saying what they'd do than me. I was a bitter little Type A overachieving cunt who considered myself superior to everyone (in part because my hyper literal Autistic ass believed that if you said you were going to do something, that meant you absolutely Had to Do It and Why Would Anybody Lie about a thing like that?)

Today I am a fuckin MESS and I am a much better person for it. I amble up just barely on time, I cancel plans, I forget things, I tell someone I can't make it even if in the most literal sense I could but I don't feel like it -- and many of my friends are tired, spent, fuzzy brained exhausted messes too! And it's fine! I have some friends that I regularly rely upon to cancel our plans because it frees up a little extra room in my schedule that I always wind up needing. I'm not mad or disappointed in them for bailing, my ass is relieved because I definitely have some shit to get to myself and probably four other people that I'm kinda letting down at the moment. It's not that any of us lack concern for one another, that's just what being a busy adult is in this day and age. We have work and creative pursuits and lots of friends and fucking and exercise and tile to regrout. Shit happens. It's not a big deal if I end up needing to see the movie solo or if we need to reschedule our breakfast date. Shit happens. I have too many actual problems to make a problem out of someone having a hangover and not being able to show up to my birthday or whatever. I missed their birthday last year, but I'll make it there this year, and maybe next time they'll make mine, too. The grace of accepting chaos washes it all away. My friends are my fellow comrades in the fuckin trenches and we each get to make one another's tours a little less miserable by understanding shit's crazy and fucked and that none of it is personal and that at the end, we still love eachother and are doing our best.

With time, may you find that kind of serenity and that ability to just keep on moving in life rather than fixating on the little slights and unpredictable things that will happen whether we fight them or not. Don't read too much into anyone's cancellation of plans or lateness or flakiness. Put your mind toward more interesting problems in your life, ones that some thinking can help solve. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. If my bitter anal retentive ass could become so sloppy and lovingly blase so can you!

[moddymoon]

Oh my, what a lovely person...

Yeah, I've posted a few of these before... I honestly am not that keen on posting most of them, but this one was just so lovely...

Yes, I'm not hiding who this is... I often see a "pattern" with a person, and it's worth sharing, but this very much is *this person* which I'm commenting on...

At this point, it just kind of comes across, as a typical you know, questionable person, who has little concept of boundaries, et al.

And I get maybe the whole just diving in and asking the questions you're meaning to ask...

It's pretty *likely* they are one of those not slightly questionable people but very questionable people even at this point..

There's a few things here... The "professional mommy" thing is you know not good... Not saying that *being* a professional mommy is a problem, but professionals don't approach people in this way...

It *might* be that a professional would approach a person going, "hey I noticed that you have this issue, and I might be able to help you resolve it..."

Especially when you the professional might be looking at some resource, because that's something they are looking for themselves.

This might be a "quibble" type comment... But the "mummy" vs. "mommy" thing bothers me, and... I've yet to see someone using the term "mummy" (different meaning entirely in English, like ware vs. wear...) who hasn't ended up being problematic.

It's a big indication the person doesn't really speak English, and quite possibly "European languages" as their first language. At least it doesn't come across as particularly professional.

As a *professional* myself, I will only really mention something like this that I *am* a professional, if I'd otherwise be contacting a person.

Looking for a dog washer, contacting one... Finding out they are not doing that, and being willing to help them get that sorted...

My response was non-commital at this point... Just kind of acknowledged that I'd got a response. I said, "OK" to that, got what's up at the top.

Based on me reading this... I was clearly *not* into it at the time. I can't say why. It could have been a bad day. This went over several days...

The "let me see" absolutely is not cool. Maybe if someone is in the community... And wants to share pictures, yeah, sure... It could just be something kind of weird, not understanding.

This very much is something that does happen. Usually when it does happen, and it is a misunderstanding, the result ends up being, either they just quietly go away...

Quite common, and you can't tell if they really did just not understand, or if they did understand, and are upset they got caught out.

Either case? If they just go away... I guess problem solved, sort of...

The asking about the brand... I can get that, that makes sense in the community... But if you *are* in the community, you may not even know my answer (feel free to ask me if you don't, about what my thoughts are).

OK, I'm apparently feeling more generous at this point, than I was earlier. The "let me see" after I've ignored it, again, not on, and since I ignored it... Really yeah, not OK...

I am generous in saying that I'd like to get to know them better... It is *fair* for me to respond like that. Honestly I would. But honestly... I should have probably pointed out that it's just not OK ... though let's just assume they are just clueless...

Let's *not* make a point of pointing too "dangerously" to where they are going wrong. At least until it's clearer that they're not clueing in.

I *have* had people clue in that I was happy to continue talking with. Even then, I'm not sure how often it ended up being much of an ongoing conversation.

The response to, "I'd like to get to know you better" isn't really great. I've had lots of these types, and sometimes it's really just a person isn't comfortable, or they have the wrong idea.

Most of the time, to be honest it's usually *some* version of what this is. Where they aren't saying too much, because they may be trying to pass off multiple conversations at the same time, possibly as different identities, and really not a genuine person.

Other times, it's just a person isn't really comfortable. Like... Look at my responses... At this point, I'm really trying to not be overly committed ... And that either should set off alarm bells of, "this person isn't putting the effort into it, and isn't a good mark," or set off, "Hm... I really need to give more to connect with this person."

The conversation at this point, I feel should go one of two ways... The person should put more into it, to draw the other person out (they could be a good scammer, or they could be a real person) or they could just kind of take the hint, and just kind of some form of just drifting off.

A comment which easily can be ignored... That's a good approach honestly.

Maybe I've decided this person isn't really worth discussing with. Like, not worth playing their game. It's kind of been a not fun one at this point.

I give a bit of an option here to connect. As a real person, they might go, "oh hey... yeah I can talk about some stuff..." '

I ask a pretty safe/neutral question. It's really interesting where it goes...

I knew the name Westworld, and thinking it's a movie, it felt like it was probably something I'd have gone and checked out. I couldn't remember what it was though...

The thing about that is, it's *not* a movie, and saying it is, wow, that's really weird... I can't say why.

Maybe I couldn't find the right thing? So I guess... OK let's see where this goes...

I try to suggest that maybe there's something that was called Westworld, which was a movie. Sadly... I either didn't communicate that well enough... Or whatever...

The Viking title... That is a problem (I looked for it, with little hope, as I expect there are lots of movies which someone might think of as "Viking" and indeed there are...).

I try to find something they'd like to talk about... Which... Oh... This gets interesting...

OK, didn't *miss* anything here, but failed to catch things as well as I would have liked.

I am looking to get to know this person, as a person... And maybe they don't really get that... That's generous... But yeah they want to only talk about their "business" and yeah, I'm not here for that.

Well, let's see where it goes from here...

I get a bit snarky... I'm tired of it, that I'm putting effort in, and it's not really getting appreciated.

I know... Maybe not looking the greatest at this point on my part... but it really feels there's no chance this is going to end with anything *better* than a, "wandering off into the ether" at best.

I'm giving a bit of a lead to indicate that I may well be missing something... And maybe I was. It never got sorted (yeah spoilers).

This person was *very* frustrating to talk to, and maybe I was too. I kept feeling it would go one way, then I'd respond to that...

Then it would suggest that I wasn't getting things, so I open to having it explained to me...

Then I get an "explanation" which brings us back to the same sort of response that I tried to respond that it wasn't OK...

And... Here they ask specifically what I'm talking about. So I'm pretty sure I start to explain my perspective.

Yes... Though the "who are you?" really comes across as, "who do you think you are, talking to me like this." I've had a few of those lately.

This is the top of a fairly full explanation of where I'm coming from. I think it's reasonable to explain at this point. And... So I did.

I point out that they've really given me nothing to talk about. That they seem to really only be willing to talk about what they get paid for.

It seems fair to me to consider that they really are only talking to try to draw in the "fish on the line." And I make it clear that I'm not that fish.

And that really they've not contributed anything that has lead me to really want to talk to them...

So... There's a response that they give... No real effort to explain, no effort to try to address anything I've said. Just the one liner... Which really is manipulative.

Do I have a problem with that? Well I could probably write like the entire amount I have here (original and my comments on the conversation) about how that's a problematic question.

No, I don't really have a problem with a person wanting to make money. That's not my problem.

So, I guess... The "problem" I have... Is the person who is wasting *everyone's* time, having a dull conversation. And I do kind of point that out... But not as clearly as I thought.

I do point out just how much of a problem the *response* to my explaining where I was coming from is. And...

This is why I feel this person is worthy of letting people know who they are...

They *will not* treat anyone kindly if this is how they treat someone who like myself who pointed out that I won't pay, who the person seemed to have no interest in anything other than being paid...

What if you *had* paid them? But weren't happy? How bad would they make it for you then? Probably much worse...

[polyamorousmood]

Maybe I'm not really poly or anything but...Any tips for dealing with feeling... abnormal? I am a very anxious person and I have partner who I am monogamous with and now I have a QPR on top of that and when something difficult comes up I'm able to talk to them both but not before having to struggle through a lot of internal feelings that I'm bad or doing something wrong that'll hurt all of us just by being poly... This blog helps a lot but I'd love more tips.

Eh, I don't really care if you're "not really poly". If you're not, you're close enough. And if you think the poly label fits, that's good enough for me. I got better shit to do than worry about that lol

As for your question, I think you're already doing the most important and helpful thing in making yourself do it anyway. As long as that process is contained to a reasonable amount of time, I don't think its even necessary to force anything else. Gold star for you ⭐! Now if you're wanting to work on it because that seems more comfortable for you, totally fair. But don't put a ton of pressure on yourself here to get it to a place of perfection. It's probably always going to require you to brace yourself a little. That's okay. 🤷‍♀️

So uh, things you should consider:

yeah, this is a thing you could work with a therapist on. Since anxiety and communication are any therapist's lifeblood, it shouldn't be difficult to find one that can help. There's also all sorts of online apps and tools. Blah blah, you know this

Ask your partners how they feel about you bringing up problems. I personally am very reassured😌 by my partner bringing up problems. It means I don't have to worry that something is festering, and it gives us the opportunity to collaborate on solving a problem, which is a great bonding activity. I make a point to tell my partners this frequently, which is what inspires this next suggestion: see if your partners would be willing to thank you or otherwise give some extra love to you for bringing something to their attention. The hope is that this would help -- along with your efforts -- retrain your brain into seeing discussing things as something good and helpful to the relationship. You will likely, if you haven't already, have to explain to your partners how much of a chore it is make sure things get discussed

Internalize this: any part of you may cause problems in any relationship. This is no one's fault, and it is okay. ANY part of you may cause problems! For no good reason! You gotta make your peace with that, comrade. Sometimes everything goes to shit and its no one's fault. Even trying to make yourself perfect and without needs will annoy the shit out of some people; I had a relationship fail in part because the other person apologized for everything all the time even if it wasn't their fault. You cannot be sure this part of you will never cause problems. You can only choose whether you want to risk the set of problems from living authentically or the set of problems that arise from bottling it up.

Breathe, friend. Your partners love you. Your life is in the day-to-day, not some big, nebulous, unwranglable hypothetical. You'll be okay 💟

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

Can you talk a little bit about how you became a paleontologist? (like school and stuff).

I went to college wanting to major in paleontology and everybody told me I could major in geology but that being a paleontologist just really wasn't possible.

I did major in geology/archaeology combo major (offered at my college, it's actually a BA, not a BS, which was disappointing), but it's not paleontology and i've been out of school for a awhile and i'm just really discouraged.

ugh welcome to my life. the reason my story is complicated is because of crap like that.

so, I'm going to get very, very, very real here. that means I'm going to reveal some personal details about myself. I'm okay with it. I want to share this. Content Warnings for Parental Abuse, Mental Illness, Physical Disability, and Trauma. Phew. Here we go.

first thing we have to acknowledge: I grew up poor. my mom was a stay at home mom because of mental illness (majorly agoraphobic and huge social anxiety, plus largely untreated OCD). my dad rarely held on a job for very long because of severe untreated ADHD. my parents' primary concern, at all times, was that their six kids (my mom loves kids) would have gainful, steady employment. they are communists, and it was always about how we can't help others effectively if we're not secure in the rest of our lives.

I wanted to be a paleontologist from the moment I could have such a want. But my parents never, never, thought that was a good idea. They wanted me to be a scientist, because they could see my potential, but they didn't think being a paleontologist was a safe career. And, to be fair, they had a point. But I didn't want to be anything else. In fact, the very idea would make me start sobbing. So while I was little, they didn't really do anything about it. Occasionally they planted seeds of "you might not be a paleontologist", but it never went well.

fast forward to me going to college. now they were serious. we were constantly fighting over whether I should be a paleontologist or a medical researcher (MDPhD. you know, the insane degree that insane people get.) (I'm insane, but not that way). because they were paying for, well, some of it (I got a lot of scholarships, b''h), and I was in general dependant on them like most college students are, they picked my classes. I was forced to major in biology (though I probably would have picked that anyway), and I never took any geology classes (well, I took half of one, but had to drop it because of my stupid premed classes).

I got to do paleontology research, but it was kind of in secret - I technically had two different research jobs, one in evolutionary biology, one in paleontology. I took tons of medical related classes, and was forced to take the MCAT twice. I wasn't good at it. Memorizing things isn't my forte, I'm much better at problem solving and finding/evaluating information. I also just wasn't interested in it - I can remember countless dinosaur genera, but ask me to remember really specific medical details and my mind draws a blank.

I did not do well on the MCAT, but I was still forced to apply to MDPhD programs. I also applied to evolutionary biology and paleontology PhD programs on my own. But paleontology is extremely competitive, and I didn't hear back from any of those. I also didn't get anywhere with any of those medical programs. In fact, I ended up getting accepted to a grad program for evolutionary developmental biology, because that was the only thing that had an opening. Rather than go home and be forced to apply to medical school again, I took the out.

I was miserable. But I tried to convince myself it was better this way. That I would have gainful employment, and be able to do science. Meanwhile, I was running this blog, building a community, and constantly thinking about paleontology instead of my actual thesis. Even though paleontology doesn't require field work, I'd convinced myself I could never do it because field work is inaccessible to me - I have had chronically dislocated knees since I was 16, and a few different physical conditions that make me exceptionally heat sensitive. I couldn't do field work, so I couldn't be a paleontologist. I also am fat, because of those disabilities, and there just aren't a lot of fat AFAB paleontologists, so I thought I wouldn't be able to get far for that reason.

But I couldn't finish that PhD. I didn't care enough about it, and I was constantly hitting roadblocks. I wanted the focus to be more evolution based, my advisor told me no. I wanted to pursue a specific question, my advisor advised against it. My wasps kept dying, and I didn't know why. I couldn't get my assays to work. My advisor was always focused on his other students and never me. It was a nightmare. All the while, my blog was exploding in popularity, and I was even going to paleontology conferences on my own dollar and networking there, presenting research about using the internet as an educational tool. And I felt at home. I was with *my people*.

Then the pandemic happened. I was already estranged from my parents for other reasons, that I'd rather not get into (no, it's not cause I'm queer). Everyone was frustrated with my lack of progress at my first program. My spouse, the infinite well of support that he is (url @plokool), gave me the push I needed to drop out with a master's degree (which I had earned at that point). I then was seriously considering becoming a rabbi, because I didn't think I could hack being a scientist at all after that experience.

But, everything felt wrong when I wasn't engaged with paleo. ADAD had gone on hiatus because my artists were persuing other opportunities (and I'm so proud of them!). I just felt empty and lost without paleontology in my life. So I went to the virtual SVP that was being held in 2020, since it was cheaper than usual and online.

And I met my current advisor. We clicked *right* away. We had the same questions about bird evolution and talked for hours. He encouraged me to apply, so I did - just for paleontology programs. I knew if I didn't do paleo, there wasn't a point. Nothing else would hold my interest enough for me to get a doctoral degree. I also talked to the wonderful friends I had made here on Palaeoblr, ones who were also actually pursuing paleo, and they promised me I could do it - that they believed in me. The one thing no one but my spouse had ever really indicated to me. It gave me the push I needed, and when I was accepted to this program, I took it. It also helped that I finally had working ADHD medication, for the first time in my life.

Even though it meant moving from Chicago - nice, at least sometimes chilly Chicago, my home for my whole life - to fucking southern new mexico. I am so hot. All the time now. My feet never return to their proper color. But it was worth the risk.

But I'm not doing field work! I've had to take a lot of remedial geology classes, but all my work has been computer and lab based. And I've done so much already! I've published a new bird, I've done excellent in my classes and teaching, and I'm currently compiling my own database of Paleogene bird fossils. Last year was a little rough because of trauma things, and the gd-damned adderall shortage, but I'm moving forward. I am hoping to go into museum work, because I love museums, and I believe in them and their ability to educate people (I also want to help the museum field decolonize itself, but that's a different discussion.) I've even made a design for an evolution of dinosaurs exhibit that my professor wants me to make into a real thing someday.

So... yeah. I became a paleontologist by being the world's most stubborn mother fucker alive. I decided I wanted to be as a kid, and I never could let it go, even when it would have been better for me to. But I'm glad I didn't, because now I'm here, and I'm doing well. When i can focus, at any rate. Because I'm only at peace when I'm around dinosaurs.

(P.S. I've even repaired my relationship with my parents, and they support me as a paleontologist now! just took 30 years for them to realize they couldn't fight me on this, I guess... or they're old and tired of fighting. one of the two.)