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sevlgi · 5 years ago

Text

never been yours

requested: yes

group: red velvet

pairing: seulgi x fem!reader

genre: angst, questionable fluff

contents: college!au, best friend!seulgi, based on huh gak’s empty words mv.

warnings: none

synopsis: It’s so painful to be in love with Seulgi when you know she’ll never be yours.

a/n: this mv and and song were both so beautiful, I hope I did them justice! please request more drabbles based on mv’s, this one was so fun to write.

word count: 3.3k

You once thought love would be beautiful.

It is, but it’s not beautiful in the way that most think it is- soft smiles and touches, sweet words and tender glances. People think love is butterflies, the kind of fluttering in your stomach that makes you blush and makes your cheeks hurt from smiling.

Even you thought it would be like that once. You thought love would be the thing that made you smile when you cried, the best thing to ever happen to you.

And you’ve had plenty of those moments with Seulgi, in the very beginning of your feelings for her, back when it was just a simple crush. You’ve laughed together in art class, exchanged smiles that lingered too long to be just between friends.

She has been your light in the darkness, the person who never fails to make you smile. She’s the one you’re in love with, the one you wish could be yours.

But now that you’re in deep, painfully in love with someone who’ll never feel the same way about you, you know that love isn’t beautiful in that way at all.

Instead, love is being so so so close to someone but still feeling hundreds of miles away. It’s clutching on to memories of good times that might have been just a dream, and feeling empty when you’re by yourself.

It’s watching the love of your life slip just out of your grasp. It’s smiling painfully at your best friend who’ll never feel the same way about you, and it is the sound of crystal shattering on the concrete floor.

Love is something that has never been yours, just like her.

“Y/N, happy birthday!” Seulgi laughs, throwing her arms around your neck in a hug that’s more of a squeeze with how tight it is.

You can’t stop the grin tugging at your lips as you let your hands linger on her waist for a little too long, pulling back to admire the way her smile crinkles her eyes into crescent shapes. She’s so beautiful. “Thank you. You didn’t have to get a gift…”

“Of course I did,” your best friend scoffs as she takes a seat across from you. It’s too hard to find time for an actual birthday celebration when both of you are busy students in college, so you’re settling for a lunch together outside of campus. To you, anything’s perfect as long as it’s with Seulgi.

The murmur of chatter around you in the restaurant is mere white noise as you stare at the pretty blue box on the table between the two of you. “Come on, open it.”

You’re too gentle with it, fingers tugging too lightly at the white ribbon tied in a bow on the top that Seulgi just laughs and takes it from you to unwrap it herself.

Inside, resting on black velvet, are two bracelets, matching ones made of delicate silver with pink crystal shapes. “You like them? They’re for us,” Seulgi tells you, observing you.

“I…” They’re perfect, you want to say. Like you. “Of course, they’re so pretty.”

She smiles again, that adorable scrunch of her nose making you feel warm and sweet inside. “Thank god! It’s long overdue, we deserve something like this. You’re the best best friend anyone could wish for, you know?”

“Of course,” you laugh, but it sounds empty even to you. “You’re perfect too. The perfect best friend.” Not just best friend.

“We’re going to be best friends forever, you know,” Seulgi continues, motioning for you to hold out your hand. Chills run up your spine when her fingers brush against your skin as she rolls your sleeve up. “You and me. We’ll never be apart.”

You try to mirror the sweetness in her grin. “Yeah. Never.”

The words are bittersweet in your mouth, and the taste of jjajangmyeon can’t mask it. The two of you might never be apart, but Seulgi will also never be yours, not in the way you want her to be.

Does the silver of the bracelet feel like ice against her skin too?

You head to the student center on campus after lunch to play games, joining a few other of your friends. They give you their little presents and coo over the matching bracelets you wear.

Sooyoung and Yerim are sweet, but you’re transfixed on Seulgi, who always seems to shine the brightest to you. “Yah, Y/N, pay attention to the game!” your friend Sooyoung nudges you. She’s the one on your team, insisting that you and Seulgi have too much chemistry to be fair. “What’re you staring at?”

“Sorry,” you mumble, returning to the game of jenga on the table in front of you.

Yerim laughs lightly beside Seulgi, who smiles at you comfortingly, teasing, “Sooyoung-ah, don’t give her such a hard time. She’s helping me win!”

“Am not,” you manage to protest. “You’re not that important!”

Holding a hand to her heart, your best friend makes an offended face. “And here I thought I was your best friend. I’m hurt!”

Despite how ridiculously fake you know Seulgi’s expression is, you catch yourself wanting to apologize. Thankfully, you’re saved by everyone looking to the entrance, where two boys stand. One waves at your friend group, and Sooyoung waves back.

“Who’re they?” you ask, not liking the way the other one smiles at Seulgi.

Yerim waves them over. “The one who waved is Kyunggu, he’s in one of my classes. His friend, I don’t know, but the more the merrier, right?”

You don’t respond, the smile barely hanging on when Kyunggu’s friend introduces himself as Doyoung and ends up sitting next to Seulgi. He talks so easily with your best friend, conversation flowing as easily as when she talks to you.

It’s there again, the bitter taste of jealousy coating your tongue and forcing the smile off your face. You can’t muster up even the fakest smile, earning you a few concerned glances from your friends.

You have to remind yourself, Seulgi isn’t yours. She’s just a best friend, and Doyoung is just a new person she’s being friendly to.

It hurts to remind yourself over and over again.

“I don’t know, he’s just so sweet and cute!” Seulgi continues, mostly ignoring the food in front of her. Usually, you’d be happy to listen to her ramble, but not when she’s going on about Doyoung. “He’s a perfect gentleman.”

“I’m sure he is.” It feels like you’re forcing the words out. “Are you going to date him?”

Seulgi looks out the window with a dreamy expression on her face, chin resting on her palm. “Maybe, if he asks me out. Do you like anyone yet?”

I love you. “No.” You stab at the rice in your bowl with your chopsticks. I love you I love you I love you. “It doesn’t sound all that interesting to me. Love’s overrated.”

“L-love?” she sputters,, face growing redder. “Who said anything about love? I just like him, that’s all.”

You roll your eyes, avoiding meeting Seulgi’s eyes in case she can see the lie. “Sure.” Like a spell had been cast just by saying his name, Doyoung appears at the entrance to the cafeteria, and you hate the way your best friend lights up at the sight of him.

“Doyoung, over here!”

He smiles at the both of you, but you don’t miss the way it’s different when he smiles at Seulgi. “Hi. Can I sit?”

“Can you?” you mumble under your breath, but you plaster on a fake smile when he looks at you. “Of course. Want me to grab you a chair?”

“That’s really nice of you,” he grins back. There’s logically no reason to hate him; he’s perfectly nice and a great fit for your best friend. But it hurts, and you press your fingers to your sternum when you walk away to try and quell the feeling in your gut.

The two of them are already laughing together when you walk back with the chair, Doyoung looking perfectly natural in your chair. He offers to vacate it for you, but you tell him it’s okay when it’s not.

It’s not okay for you to be feeling like this, not when he’s nice and sweet and everything Seulgi looks for in boys. It’s not okay for you to be feeling like this about your best friend, but you can’t find it in you to walk away from her.

You’ll do anything not to lose her.

Seulgi brings you along to a hangout with Doyoung, Kyunggu, and some of their other friends a few days later. They end up deciding to play basketball, and Seulgi, being the bubbly and charismatic girl she is, plays with them while you sit on the sidelines.

You hate how adorable she is when she grins and claps happily after scoring, hate the butterflies in your stomach when she laughs and waves at you.

If this is love, you don’t want it. You don’t want to feel this way ever again, don’t want to feel the emptiness in your chest when Doyoung’s hands skim over Seulgi’s waist.

But you can’t find it in you to say no to her, even when she invites you to another hangout at Doyoung’s dorm the next week. It’s just playing video games together, and Doyoung is incredibly nice when he offers soda and snacks to both of you.

You manage to enjoy yourself when you’re playing, but you can only smile painfully when they put on music and dance together after the game’s over.

If only you could be in Doyoung’s position, the one dancing and laughing with her, you know you’d give Seulgi the world. But there’s no way she could ever feel the same way about you, so you can only hope that he gives her the world in your place.

Because that’s what she deserves, even if you won’t be the one to give it.

Seulgi slips away, piece by piece by piece, like sand trickling through your fingers.

You don’t mean to let her, even amidst the business of college. You mean to hold her as tight and close as you can, invite her for lunch whenever you can and go over to her dorm to just talk together, but all of a sudden, she’s always busy.

She can’t have lunch with you because she’s hanging out with Doyoung, or she can’t come over because she’s already at his dorm.

It hurts every time, like little glass shards being stabbed through your skin, but you always smile and wave her away.

You see her at the park one day, a lone figure sitting on a bench with golden leaves drifting down around her. Of course you lift your hand and open your mouth to shout for her attention, but she’s suddenly joined by a tall, short-haired figure.

She was never yours, but she feels so much farther away all of a sudden, and you hate it. You hate all of it, the urge to kiss her whenever you see her, the way you can’t stop smiling even at her dumbest jokes.

There’s no point to any of it, not when you’ve loved her for so long. It’s not something you just forget, and even though it hurts so much, you don’t think you want to forget, either.

Art class without Seulgi is no fun, and not just because you feel empty without her by your side. The room is so much quieter when there isn’t her laughter echoing off the walls, her silly jokes that always make you smile.

Doyoung’s in the class too, but he’s so much harder to ignore when Seulgi isn’t there to distract him. He tries to talk to you, but conversation is so stilted that he gives up.

Even your painting reminds you of her, the burgundy red you chose the same color as her sweater the day she promised to be your best friend forever. The brown is like her eyes, glittering golden under the light, and the pale pink looks like the crystal on the bracelet that you don’t have the heart to take off.

You stare at that painting for longer than you should have, and the sky is dark by the time you’re strolling in the hallways on your way back to your dorm.

It’s not rare to see couples on the benches at this time of day, but something makes you stop to stare at the two on the bench a few feet away from you.

Your heart seems to break cleanly into two when you realize who they are- Seulgi, delicate hands on Doyoung’s neck as he kisses her, eyes fluttering shut.

All feeling seems to escape from your legs, and you tumble to the concrete floor, back against the rough wall of the hallway. You’re numb to the slight pain in your knees, only feeling the sour feeling in your nose and the hot tears welling up.

You try to hold in your sobs so that they don’t hear you, staring at the ceiling in a futile attempt to push the tears back. Your fingers tremble as you unclasp the bracelet on your wrist, the metal clasp finally releasing with a click.

It feels like you’re treading on your own heart when you drop the piece of jewelry to the ground, a piece of crystal shattering immediately. But the thought of the same bracelet on Seulgi’s wrist as she kisses Doyoung makes you run, the image of shattered pink crystal on concrete burned into your eyes.

You cry for what seems like days when you get to your dorm. It probably is days; your roommate doesn’t question you when she sees the tears spilling over, just hands you a pillow for you to muffle your sobs into and closes your bedroom door once you disappear inside. She brings tea and food occasionally, but you can’t find it in you to eat.

The buzzes of your phone fill the silence, punctuated by the occasional sob, but you ignore them. You consider flinging it across the room when you see messages from Seulgi, but decide against it in favor of just crying your feelings out.

You don’t know why it hurts so much, why something that’s supposed to be the most joyous thing in the world is the most painful feeling to you. Every tear that slips out burns your skin, and every rattling sob only pains you, but the crying is therapeutic. Maybe.

But of course, fate is never in your favor; mere minutes after you manage to calm your tears, your roommate knocks to tell you Seulgi’s here.

You barely bother with makeup to cover the redness of your nose; you can’t disguise the swelling of your eyes anyway, and it doesn’t matter. Seulgi would never feel the same about you, not when she has a cute boy to kiss, so it doesn’t matter how you look.

When her eyes widen in shock and concern at the sight of you, you almost regret it, but you can barely muster up a smile for her as the two of you head out of the dorm in favor of strolling through the halls.

It’s silent at first, a kind of awkwardness hanging in the air between the two of you that you’ve never felt before with Seulgi. Finally, she breaks the silence by whispering, “Were… were you crying?”

“Yeah.” You’ve never been one to lie to her, not when it’s always so easy for her to see through you. “Don’t worry though.”

“How can I not?” There seems to be a sob building up in Seulgi’s throat, and you turn to her to confirm it. She’s staring at your wrist, bare of the bracelet you shattered nearly a week ago, and there are tears glimmering in her eyes. “Y/N...”

Sticking your hand into the pocket of your jacket, you hide your wrist so that Seulgi’s forced to meet your eyes again. “It’s nothing. Seriously. Just… concentrate on your boyfriend and be happy.”

“My boyfriend?” Seulgi repeats, eyebrows furrowing. Realization dawns on her just a few seconds later, mouth opening in a soft ‘o’. “Y/N, it’s not what you think!”

You can’t stop the scoff that slips out, the roll of your eyes that only brings more tears to Seulgi’s eyes. “So, you were just kissing Doyoung as friends? That’s what friends do now?”

The brunette shakes her head so fast that you don’t know how she isn’t dizzy already. “It’s not! I… I thought I had feelings for him, and that’s why I let him kiss me…”

“And what? You don’t have feelings for him anymore?” you sneer. You don’t mean to sound so bitter, but you also can’t deny that it’s how you feel. You’re so, so bitter that Seulgi isn’t yours, that you can’t be the one to kiss her under a full moon and have her hands on you. “Isn’t he ‘so sweet and cute’? Isn’t he the perfect gentleman and everything you ever wanted and-”

Everything happens in a flash; Seulgi’s hands are suddenly fisted in your shirt to pull you forward, and her mouth is on yours as you stumble. She doesn’t kiss like you thought she would, lips soft and tasting like sweet vanilla sugar.

No, Seulgi kisses you hard enough to bruise, all lips and teeth and tongue. Even when you relent, your own hands resting on her waist, her hands are still scrunched in your shirt so hard that her knuckles are white.

It ends too quickly, leaving you gasping for air, but Seulgi pulls back to almost shout at you, “He is, but it felt wrong. It felt so wrong to kiss him, when you’re the one I’m in love with!”

“Wh-”

“No, you’re going to let me talk,” she demands, her eyes shining with a fervency you’ve never seen before. “You think I haven’t noticed? You’ve been acting so tortured, so caught up in your own world! Even Sooyoung and Yerim noticed, on your birthday. Hell, even Doyoung noticed!”

Even Doyoung- “But most of all, I noticed,” Seulgi says, the words sounding uncharacteristically harsh. “I notice everything about you, Y/N, because I love you, and I think you love me. These past few months weren’t just hard for you, they were hard for me too. It hurts me to watch you destroy yourself like this just because you aren’t brave enough to tell me how you feel!”

“I…” Your brain seems to be short-circuiting, Seulgi pushing you up against the wall. The usually carefree girl looks desperate, the tears shining in her eyes maybe more angry than sad. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I just… I never thought you loved me back.”

“Because I hide it better than you.” There seems to be tears slipping down your cheeks too, the taste of salt on your lips. “Because I wanted to see if you would fight for me! I want to be yours, but you’ve never made a move.”

You gain enough control of your limbs to be the one to tug Seulgi toward you this time, pressing your lips together again. “Then why didn’t you?” you breathe out, the words soft as you’re mere inches away from her. “Why didn’t you make the move?”

“I was scared too, dummy,” she admits, biting her lower lip gently. You don’t ever want to move from this position, your hands cupping her face and hers linked behind your back. “We were both scared.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have been scared,” you laugh lightly. “We should’ve just made a move. And you can be mine now, if you want.”

Seulgi smiles again, tugging you so close that your bodies are flush. “Yours.”

And when you kiss again, it isn’t hard at all, not like before, but the gentleness with which you handle each other will stay much longer than a bruise.

Because you’re determined not to let go of her again. Because Seulgi is finally yours, and you’re hers, and maybe you were wrong that she was never yours.

Maybe she always was.

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