#intrustive thoughts cw

[freezerbnuuy]

Act 2:8- Give In (Page 4)

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CONTENT WARNING: intrusive thoughts, sexual references

Oskar

I take a stroll around Finchwick, as I have been the week that I've been here. Though Henford seems to never get any sun, or so Violeta says- I still haven't tested her theory that I won't burn unless the sun is out. She's living just down the road from me. It feels strange, almost claustrophobic being in such a small house, but it'll take a while before it truly feels like a home.

The nights are usually quiet, save for when the pub gets busy towards the end of the night. I try to avoid groups of people. I do notice an interesting-looking woman, standing on the corner by the pub, dressed in red silk- something that I suppose most would consider seductive. There isn't anyone else around; the pub seems to be quiet tonight. I figure I ought to talk to her. I wonder if there's a reason she's out so late.

She catches my attention before I even speak to her. She speaks to me in a soft and sultry voice.

"You look a little lost, darling. Been a long day? Maybe I can help you wind down a little, if you'd like."

"Oh, I'm quite alright, thank you. I prefer being out late. Less crowds."

She chuckles. Did I say something funny? Or is it my speech impediment that's making her laugh? Sometimes having fangs on both my top and bottom teeth is something of a curse. 

It's been ages since I've had a taste. I wonder what her blood tastes like-

No, not now. This is what I dreaded about coming to Henford. Violeta is right- we both needed a change of scenery, and I don't regret having my daughter on my doorstep- but I haven't had to wrestle with these thoughts for so many years. They were going to wreak havoc on me after so long of not experiencing them. I could barely cope with them back then. How long until forty-six turns to forty-seven? Forty-eight? Forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two- No, for Watcher's sake, stop...

"I see. So you're a gentleman of the night, are you? Someone as beautiful as you must be."

Beautiful? I haven't seen my reflection for almost one hundred and thirty years- sometimes it's hard not to picture yourself as some kind of bat-faced monster when your imagination has had to fill in the blanks. Most men would take such a compliment as an insult to their masculinity, but I certainly don't. If anything, it's oddly affirming.

I don't know what to say to her. Am I really so obviously a vampire to others? Is it the way I dress? Is it my speech? Do I even care if anyone finds out? Who would be brave enough to even try to stop me? Maybe she won't hate me for it, I suppose, but maybe my first week in isn't the best time to cause a stir like that.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'm the same as you- standing on the edge of the street, sucking men dry for a living. You don't have to feel ashamed, I promise."

"Really? People pay you to drain them?" What a strange country I'm in. I didn't expect there to be vampire-friendly folk, let alone people who'd pay to have you drink their blood. Maybe I ought to change my mind on hiring an apprentice, and just find these odd people with fat pockets and peculiar interests.

The soft thudding of her heart...I can hear it from here. I'm sick to death of bloodfruit. What's stopping me? No-one else is around.

No, not this again. I have to focus on something else...the bats. I can stop myself this time, I know it. 

One bat, two bats, three bats, four bats, five bats, six bats, seven bats-

I bet her blood is sweeter than any confection...I should just give in. Innocent or not, what difference does it make? The way the fresh blood of a human warms your insides...don't you want that? Witnessing the growing pallor of their skin as you savour every last drop?

Maybe you should let go and become the monster everyone will accuse you of being once they know the truth about you-or maybe you already are the monster-

"Are you okay? Why are you counting-"

No! Don't stop me, or I'll hurt you.

"What are you talking about? We were just talking, you weren't doing-"

- thirteen bats, fourteen bats, fifteen bats, sixteen bats...

"Please, stop. I don't know why you're counting bats, but whatever it is, you don't need to."

I find myself sitting in the grass, with her hand on my cheek. Why is she helping me? I could've hurt her. Goodness, my first week in Henford and already someone other than Violeta has seen me like this.

"Don't touch me! I don't want to-"

"You weren't trying to hurt me, sweetheart, I promise."

I don't get it. Why is she so understanding of something no-one ever seems to understand? 

[lucabyte]

you dream of devouring your friends whole

[fictionfolk-safehaven]

CW: abuse, SA from a young age, depression, incest, intrusive thoughts. Long post, a bit of a doozy lol

Hi! we think this blog is rlly cool and it actually helped us a lot. like really thanks. We in general have a lot of intrustive thoughts but particularly ones about incest/minors hit us the worst, basically cuz our brain is just reminding us of trauma that actually happened to us. And it causes a lot of shame and self-hate, and even guilt. My name is Kaoru Hitachiin, from Ouran Highschool Host Club. Both my brother and I are in the system. In our source we are literally the "brotherly love duo" and in our system we are in a relationship. To give context.

We've existed since middle school, dormant I guess but showed up recently thanks to us seeing these posts and trying to understand people's perspectives better, because everyone deserves to feel understood. This caused us to reframe how we view incest on a more compassionate level. Like y'know it's not good, I'd perfer if people didn't have to go through whatever it was that made their brain develop that way but it's also not their fault. System wise, my brother and I would not have been able to exist prior to this understanding. Like, we literally would've crumbled with the inner shame and maybe even outside critic of other systems members, no matter how nice they all are. I know in their heart they'd be freaking out about it, and it'd make our intrusive thoughts worse.

It's not like it was easy for us either, Particularly Hikaru.

We got exomemories that aren't even from source. Memories of our uncle, SA, from 5 years old to Middle school. Often together. Everyone in the family knew, no one cared.

We thought we didn't need anyone else, no one else was to be trusted. He took care of me, I took care of him. We survived because each other. This was hard for me, I developed feelings for him since childhood, he only realized his feelings until a little bit after haruhi showed up in the show. and in real life this was something he knew but we had to work through immediately first day of hosting because of the stress is was giving us. Our "Brotherly love act" was supposed to just be that, and act. We thought it was funny and entertaining to make the girls swoon, we are performers after all. All the while my souls constantly being crushed like a garbage disposal, but I'm used to that by now, years and years of practice. And they made us like that in the show, so you really can't blame me for feeling these feelings , right?

Anyways, things are better now. We are happy, we've accepted that our happiness doesn't need to make sense for others, and that it's more valuable for us to do that than to desire for acceptance. Thanks guys for providing a space like this. Don't know if we would've showed up for a very long time without it.

I wrote a poem earlier, about this, and wanted to share in case anyone else resonated with it, as this is (my) first poem and I like it! It felt good to make, if ur reading this u should make a poem soon (that includes u, person scrolling) if u want

Old Memories Melt- Kaoru Hitachiin

But that was the past, and this is the now

In your arms I crave and your passions endowed

Your heart beats quicker than the rabbit I found

Dove into a rabbit hole so deep and profound

I've been falling since a child

Drank the potion and now it's time for cake

Growing up is hard

When they've wrecked up your mental state

Pillaged our safest space

That is, Each Other

Thoughts began to spiral in fear of being outnumbered

Or of you, finding another

Leaving me Alone In the wreckage of the past without a word of Our present

Each smile and wink you give *Is* a Present

Wrapped in barbed wire- but I must open

Pandora's box

I must feel these feelings

Although it's Paradox

To love your brother

Ties the deepest knot

In my gut and my heart

So tell me it's wrong

Go ahead! If it weren't for him-

I'd be dead..

-🌛💐🌀

We're a bit exhausted this week (/lighthearted) so I can't put it into words as well as I'd like, but tbh I'm not sure if I'd be able to anyway. I genuinely can't express how much it means to us that this blog helped anyone to the point of like... headmates leaving dormancy because they're allowed to exist safely???? that's just. Genuinely unfathomable to me. I'm so glad that there's less shame within your system, and we're so honored to have played any part in that from our little corner of the internet.

We also have intrusive thoughts, and know from experience that trying to shame yourselves less for those thoughts and such can be so difficult. So points to you all for handling that.

-Archivist Phil

[penwrythesdreams]

Been a while, just dealing with a thing

CW // unreality , discussion of intrusive thoughts

I think I figured something out with my intrusive thoughts around my veritbond Pyrrhus and fandom representations of their source. I don't feel comfortable with mentioning what their source is (from a popular objectshow web show, you know you know).

So, I discussed these intrusive thoughts on my main blog (link 1, link 2, link 3) where my thoughts want to bridge an association of my para, Pyrrhus, with fandom representations of their source. This doesn't happen all the time, but usually when I'm upset. I'm concerned because these fandom representations of the source character are almost everywhere and I honestly don't want to block vast swaths of people who draw that character or block/mute any mention of the character. I really like the character as a comfort character. I know the separation between them and Pyrrhus, but my intrusive thoughts don't reflect that. This makes me feel distressed about all this. Also, as said in my post (link), I am worried about becoming a creep about someone's fanart design of this character. I do not want that. There's a reason why I'm concerned.

So, if I see myself following/blocking people who draw this character as a nuclear option, is there a better way to handle my intrusive thoughts?

I know intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, they are not representative of who I am. Having troubling intrusive thoughts does not make me dangerous. But I want to make things more comfortable for myself so I can continue enjoying my time online in the spaces I participate in. Also, mass-blocking people is a really bad way to deal with it because I will alienate myself from everything. I don't want to do that. Furthermore, there is no guarantee that doing so will help stop my intrusive thoughts about Pyrrhus and its source (especially how widespread this character is).

So instead of constantly avoiding Pyrrhus' source character, here's my game plan for mitigating my intrusive thoughts:

First: stop associating Pyrrhus with their source (they already have a different design from their original source and everything. I did use the source's name as their nickname, but that is no longer an option. I'll find another nickname for them.)

Spend time with my other paras! I've been with Pyrrhus the longest (1 year and a half after my time with them and Crystal), so a brief break is good.

Draw my paras more often, and create ref sheets and detail sheets so I can commit them to memory. Pyrrhus needs an updated design anyway.

Create new source character associations for Pyrrhus. I'll miss their original source, but I think this is for the best. I already got a few characters in mind (heh), so if Pyrrhus changes the design, that's why! I don't have to avoid the source character's show or any artists who draw this character at all.

I'm open to any advice on better handling of my intrusive thoughts, especially if you're an immersive daydreamer with anxiety. Any help is welcomed!

[eyecantread]

Plagued by the intrusive thought of what it would feel like to cut one of my teeth in two with a toe nail clipper. 

[captain-spider99]

does anybody else who likes doing fiber arts that require needles that are neurodivergant struggle with intrusive thoughts any time you try and do something if your symptoms aren't under control (if they can be controlled) or is it just me

[dreamofjoys]

𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐌𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐘

— summary: malleus studies your body during one of your daily gargoyle research activity

in which a normal discussion about the body anatomies of gargoyles has led to malleus making out with you

— cw: public sex, cloth sex, grinding, vaginal penetration, fingering, reader is described to have big ass (?),

— a/n: making out in school with malleus is so mwah

"look at this fascinating gargoyle, malleus! it's magnificent claws are crafted in such great details. i bet it feels like real touching it!"

malleus hums in agreement as you continue babbling on about the raven gargoyle's body anatomy. from it's beak, to the wings and body. he was impressed that you could remember everything that he has been telling you. if anything, it just proves that you were listening and paying attention to him.

"it's sturdy body looks so soft to touch." you gazed at the picture of the gargoyle fondly, not noticing that malleus was already standing behind you. his tall frame towers over you with ease, hands grabbing your waist to pull you flush against his body.

you blushed when you felt something hard poking at your ass. turning your head up, you noticed that malleus was staring at you with an unusual gaze. his half lidded eyes staring right at your soul, as if he wants to devour you whole.

"child of man, i was thinking if we should try exploring human anatomy today instead of gargoyles?" malleus nuzzles his head into your neck, his grip on your waist tightened as your face turn into a deeper shade of red upon realising what he meant.

you were having romantic feelings towards malleus for awhile now. you weren’t sure if he feels the same way, but maybe he does? seeing as to how he only invited you to his club activities, walking you home every night and inviting you to diasomnia. there was even once he let you touch his horns - much to everyone’s surprise and sebek’s horror - you thought that it was a test to see if you dare to. instead, malleus leans his head on your shoulder as you trail your fingers on his horns. a sound akin to a growl emitted from him as he buries himself into you. surely, those were the signs that he at least felt something towards you, right?

“malleus, do you like me?” a deep chuckle erupts from malleus, hot breath fanning over your neck. “did it take you that long to figure this out?”

long slender fingers trail down from your waist to your inner thighs, lightly pinching at your soft skin as you press your knees together, trapping his hand between your thighs. “i like you too, malleus.” you confessed, finally letting go of this heavy burden in your heart. malleus smiles, elated that his feelings were returned. placing open kisses on your neck, your squeezed your legs tighter, trying to stop the smell of arousal in your core from spreading. but malleus is no human, he is a descendent of a dark fae, blessed with enormous magic, physical physique and heightened senses. he could smell your arousal before you even knew it was coming.

“shall we do it, my love?” he asked you one final time, the hand that was resting on your inner thigh inches closer to your blossom, thumb stroking up and down in a slow rhythmic movement.

"su-sure." you stuttered, suddenly feeling all shy and embarrassed under malleus's intensive gaze. within a second, a pair of warm lip envelop yours, eagerly kissing and sucking on your lips while his hand that was ghosting over your core finally pushed your panties aside, inserting a finger into your cherry as you moaned at the sudden intrustion.

"open your legs for me, dear." malleus broke the kiss, staring at your plump lips that were covered in his saliva before resuming to his previous activity, except for this time, his free hand pinches on your breast, taking advantage of the small little gasp that you made as he shoves his tongue into your mouth, eager to explore and taste you.

you spread your legs for him like an obedient lamb, allowing malleus to add in another finger and scissor your insides as wide as he can.

"hnng- mal, ah, mo-more-" you tried opening your legs more, hands shooting down to hold onto malleus's thighs as you buck your hips up, grinding onto his fingers like a desperate man. malleus groans when your ass touches onto his cloth cock which was already threatening to burst out of his pants. his free hand cups and fondles with one of your breast, inserting another finger in as your delighted moans and wet sound of your pussy echoes throughout the room.

soon, you came all over on his hand, staining his hand and pants with your essence. you wanted to close your legs and prevent any more mess, but the hand that has been fondling on your breast has landed on your thighs, making sure to keep your legs apart, exposing your pussy on full view (that has became malleus's favourite view). malleus brings up his hand to his lips, licking your essence off as he smirks at your tomato face.

"you taste lovely, i wouldn't mind having you for breakfast, lunch and dinner. also, you might wanna close your mouth. or else, i might put something else in there."

"malleus!" you punched his shoulder weakly, which the dark fae only chuckles in response. he wraps his arms around your waist, leaning in to kiss your temple as he whispers into your ear.

"come on, we are not done right? we haven't get to the best part yet."

that's when you noticed something big and hard poking at your ass. when the look of realization dawned upon your face, you quickly stood up, apologising profusely for neglecting his needs.

it's not your fault that he was really good at fingering you.

"come help me take it out, will you?" malleus gestures to his hardened tent, making you gulp nervously as you unzip his pants slowly and carefully, not wanting to hurt him, but also also unsure if you are suppose to just strip down a fae prince who could strike lightning at you anytime.

the sight in front of you was something you were not prepared for. his member was hard and thick. the prominent veins that were bulging out and adorning on his member only highlights how thick he is. the tip of his mushroom head was in the shade of an angry red as beads of pre cum leaks down to his balls. speaking of his balls, both of it were full and heavy, looking as if it is about to burst any open any moment.

sensing your nervousness, malleus holds your hand and pat on his lap. "it's okay, we will try to make it fit. come and sit down on me, you are the only person that i will permit to do so."

thinking that it was now or never, or rather a rare chance to get dicked down by a rich prince who just so happen to be your lover, you placed both of your legs on either side of his while facing him, adjusting your panties to the side again so that you would be nice and fully expose. you place your hands on his shoulders, steadying and slowly lowering yourself to his dick as malleus grips onto your waist, supporting you.

when the tip of his dick finally enters you, malleus has to resist the urge to buck his hips up and slam the rest of himself into you. didn't he stretch you out just now? why are you still so tight? your pussy was squeezing him so tight, he felt like he could just stay like this forever and not do anything.

"s' big, mal, i don't know if i can-" malleus doesn't answer, instead, he loses control and pulls you down, slamming the rest of his length into you as you yelped loudly. wrapping your arms around his neck, you rest your head on your chest as you tried to calm your heart beat. the sudden stretch was painful, but it soon turn into the desire of wanting more, wanting to feel full and embrace malleus's dick.

and then, you started bouncing on his dick, moaning like a mess as you uses his dick to pleasure the both of you. malleus groans, feeling slightly out of breath as he throws his head back, head feeling slightly cloudy as he let the thought of him making out with his lover is no longer a dream, but a reality. and the best part of it? it felt so good, he didn't want to stop.

"love, hold onto me tightly." malleus instructs you, not giving you any time to respond before roughly thrusting into you at an insane speed. you could only cry as he repeatedly abuse your weak spot, making sure to overstimulate you, turning your brain mushy. he flips up your skirt, staring at the part where his dick disappears into you before reappearing again, except it turns him on even more when more of you fluids coat onto his dick - a dirty reminder to him that he was the one turning you this way.

"fuck." malleus cursed, feeling a tight knot forming in his stomach, a sign that he was about to cum. judging from the way your pussy grip onto him like a vice and desperately fluttering around it, he knows that you are close too. with a few deep final thrust, malleus pulls out, allowing his cum to squirt out into the sexual atmosphere as you orgasmed hard, fluids splashing all over his pants and dick. he rubs your back affectionately, allowing you to calm down from your high as you finally withdraw from his neck to look down at the mess that the both of you made.

his dick was still pulsing and pumping out cum as a hand reaches up to caress your cheek. you look up to see malleus's flushed face, a lazy grin adorning his face.

"it was a good study session. next time, i will cum inside you just to see the changes in your body when bearing my offspring."

[wri0thesley]

c-can I suggest a thirst or concept of yan!baizhu who keeps you because you’re “injured”. And you just stay injured for mysterious reasons… u need his help to do things now, he’s a doctor so U gotta trust his methods even if they make your body react in interesting ways… not his fault, he’s the doctor, maybe the patient is a bit sicker than we thought 😳 (delete this if it’s trash dhshshdh)

cw; medical play, drugging, aphrodisiacs, fingering, dub-con, yandere, reader is Ill With Unspecified Something. not sfw, minors dni. afab reader with no pronouns. 

Everybody trusts Baizhu’s medical prowess. Rumours may swirl about the man himself, and his business practises and his physical health and his other occasionally questionable pursuits, but nobody denies that his medical knowledge is boundless and he is always the right person to go to in a crisis. Which is why you trust him, when you’re taken to bubu pharmacy after being struck down by a mysterious illness, and his brow creases and he brings you into a private room. 

You submit to the prodding and poking, even as Baizhu apologises to you for the intrustion with a very faint smile on his face. He reassures you that nothing he’s going to do is untoward; he merely hasn’t seen your symptoms before, and you do seem quite terribly weak . . . and, too, if he hasn’t seen these symptoms before, how is he to know that you are not infectious? Really, the safest course of action for everybody is for you to stay close to him, so he may gently pry into your condition and keep abreast of the situation. Everyone you know is grateful and gushing to him for this great sacrifice, but even as your parent tries to push money into his hands, for once he shakes his head and says in a perfectly kind voice; 

“Ah. Perhaps after they’re cured. It would be greatly remiss of me to take payment for something I’m not certain I can treat.” 

He even takes you home with him. The pharmacy is not equipped to handle a long-term guest, but Baizhu’s home certainly is, and is also perfectly accessible for an invalid. He seems a little more lively with you around, nevertheless - and he never misses a chance to visit, and check on your symptoms, and . . . inspect you, for any changes. 

There’s nowhere for you to go, and nobody for you to ask if this is truly appropriate, when Baizhu enters the room and bids you disrobe for him. All of his reassurances that this is perfectly normal; as you’re bare and shivering on the bed, do not quite quell your fear as he runs careful fingers over your bare skin. As he hums slightly as his palms rest on your breasts, as he pinches your nipples gently with the excuse of ‘just testing your reaction times, my dear’. There’s nowhere to go when he slips his hands between your thighs with clinical detachment and nods to himself when he feels the barest whisper of wetness. 

“That will do for today,” he tells you, and he leaves you a bitter herbal concoction on the bedside table and tells you to drink it at intervals, says you ought to try and get some rest. 

The symptoms ease, but at the same time . . . they begin to change. Any hopes that you had of escaping Baizhu’s perfect bedside manner and scrupulous care to try and see outside again seem to fade away when Baizhu’s eyebrows draw in as he checks your heartrate. 

“Oh, dear,” he says, quite mournfully. “It seems we still have a ways to go, hmm? Some of it may be side-effects of the medicine, of course, and some of it I was expecting . . . but I daresay you’ll be here for a few more weeks, at least.” 

The side-effects and new symptoms give you pause, too. Your head seems to be constantly swimming; nightmares, your heart pounding louder and more noticeably, an ache low in your abdomen--

You bring all of this up to Baizhu. As expected, his voice is gentle as he leads you back to the bed and tells you in a practised, detached manner that he’s going to do another examination, but this one may seem a little . . . invasive. A little more thorough. You dig your nails into your palms and acquiesce; take off your clothes again. 

He bids you spread your thighs wide, knees up, ankles apart - gloved fingers taking more time over everywhere than he ever has before. Gently squeezing the weight of your breast, this time - teasing your nipples into hardness instead of merely pinching them. You feel your breath get harder and he murmurs reassurance, tells you to carry on breathing--

But the way he’s touching you is stirring intense feelings inside of you. When his fingers drift to between your thighs, he clicks his tongue.

“Ah, yes,” he says. “I’d thought so.” 

He takes his time between your legs. Slowly stroking, spreading your sex apart, studying it with hot, humiliating care. You can feel yourself soaking slick onto the bedsheet. You can feel yourself pulsing and fluttering, for no matter how embarrassing it is, your body is reacting. Baizhu acts as though this is perfectly normal, though. 

“You’re producing more lubrication than I’d expect,” he says, in that calm, gentle bedside manner. “I’m going to put a finger inside of you, alright?”

Your tongue is too heavy to say no. You don’t remember when the last time you had your medicine was. Your hips tilt against your will as he presses one of his fingers inside of you, a soft noise escaping your parted lips even as Baizhu gently murmurs soft, encouraging noises and tells you how well you’re doing. You hear the wet squelch of him gently moving it echo around the room - and you realise that the other noise you can hear, the desperate one, is your own panting. 

“I’m going to add another,” he says. “Stay relaxed for me now, dear.”

This one gets an intake of breath; sharper stinging, as he scissors the two fingers inside of you as if trying to allow his fingers more access to your pulsating walls. His eyes, slitted pupils and fascinated gold behind shining glass, stay utterly trained on the part of you shining between your legs.

Humiliating. Embarrassing. But your body is reacting despite itself, pumping out more slick, pleasure coiling low in your stomach.  

“Hmm,” he says, softly. “Ah, I think I see the problem here. Yes, I can help with this.” 

Gloved fingers pulling out of you with a slick pop. You’re insensible, now, breathless and panting and hot hot hot all over - but Baizhu finally meets your eyes instead of your spread thighs, and says, quietly; 

“Your permission, dear? I can help you with the side-effects, but it’s . . . unorthodox.”

“Please,” you manage to blurt out, and Baizhu smiles at you with that inscrutably polite smile and reaches carefully to his waist to begin undoing his clothes. 

[freezerbnuuy]

Act 2:12 - Back in Business (Page 4)

LORE | CHARACTERS | ABOUT / CHAPTERS / WARNINGS

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CONTENT WARNING: intrusive thoughts, harm done to a minor (doesn't happen, appears in imagination)

Oskar

The day had been fine. Good, even. Once the night comes around, I sense another spiral coming on. Eli is asleep in his room. It must be past midnight. 

I've been sitting here in the same place for hours, trying to erase any thought that comes into my mind.

The fish blood had done little to curb the bloodlust. Even from the other room, I could sense it. The gnawing hunger spreads throughout my entire body.

I have to keep telling myself that I'd never hurt him. Neither Violeta or I have ever, or would ever harm a young person, but I know my own mind would convince me otherwise. It's already trying its hardest. I can already picture myself biting his neck. I would never do it, but the images are crystal-clear in my mind, taunting me.

I wouldn't do it. I know I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't hurt the boy, let alone drink his blood.

You would do it. 

No, I wouldn't. Not under any circumstance. 

I find myself counting the bats again. As usual, it's not making any difference, but it'll only get worse if I stop.

The images grow more vivid. This time, the boy is dead on the floor, and it's my fault.

There's a voice. It's Eli. 

thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five...

"Oskar? What's going on? Why are you-"

"Eli, don't stop me."

"I'm confused. Why are you sitting-"

"You're not safe here, Eli.

"What are you talking about? Why are you sitting on the-"

"Eli, listen to me! You're not-"

"Oskar, calm down. Listen to me."

The world gradually fades back in. The room is dark, and Eli is standing above me, wide-eyed.The image of his soulless body flashes through my mind as I look at him. Dead, alive, dead, alive, like some kind of twisted experiment. 

"Why are you sitting here? What's wrong? Why don't you think I'm safe?"

I don't say anything to him. I'd take feeling nothing over feeling this. I'll have to get used to it if Eli is to live with me for so many years, but how? Nobody else knows why this happens. I don't know how to properly deal with it, and I don't want to tell Eli anything- not about my vampirism, not about my afflictions. I hoped he'd never see me like this, but he doesn't seem worried, and he doesn't seem afraid.

 I find myself curled up on the floor clutching my chest, trying to ease the cold, crushing feeling inside of it. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder.

"Are you worried about something?"

"I'm fine, Eli."

"Oskar...is there something...going on?"

"Going on? What are you talking about?"

His voice doesn't change. He doesn't lose his patience, and he doesn't falter. 

"Well, my father would call it a 'weakness of temperament', but I don't want to call it that," Eli replies. "My father deals with those sorts of things all the time. You don't need to be ashamed. I'm not judging-"

"Eli, I told you, I'm fine!"

"My father might possibly have something that might-"

"I'm not paying your father for anything. Even if he had the cure to all ills, I wouldn't give him a Simoleon."

"That's not what I mean, Oskar. If one unit went missing...I doubt he'd notice-"

"Eli, you're not risking yourself for me. I'll be fine. Go back to bed."

With a sigh, Eli retreats to his room, and I make my way next door to Violeta. She's sitting in low light reading a book. We haven't spoken much; she's been busy with her art classes, and they seem to be going well.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

cw: intrustive thoughts, body horror, implied animal cruelty

12 year old me: minding my own business

my brain: there is a live kitten in your stomach

me: yea sorry no there isn’t

brain: YES THERE IS YOU SWALLOWED A CAT WHEN YOU WEREN’T PAYING ATTENTION

me, a very smart person: no I didn’t

brain: YOU HAVE TO SHIT THE CAT OUT NOW

me: no thats stupid, there’s no kitten in my stomach that’s not even possible wtf

brain: WHY ARENT YOU SHITTING IT OUT IT WANTS TO BE FREE, THERE’S NO KITTEN FOOD INSIDE YOU

me: this is dumb and illogical

brain: SHIT THE CAT OUT NOW

looking back on it, why tf was THIS my worst intrusive thought as a preteen?