#it makes everything else make better contextual sense

[creature-wizard]

Here are some tips for appropriate behavior as an ally:

99% of the time, you should not talk about yourself (like mentioning things you've done or how something makes you feel) on somebody else's post. There are a few exceptions (like a personal anecdote that strengthens OP's point), but usually it's inappropriate.

You might see a post talking about a thing and feel compelled to talk about another thing it reminds you of or feels adjacent to. Sometimes people don't mind this, but it's also highly contextual and depends on the person you're responding to. Usually, it's considered inappropriate behavior.

When in doubt, add nothing and only use filing tags. Remember, you can always make your own post or vent in a private journal.

Learn to manage your own feelings and work through them in appropriate settings. Practice mindfulness, try journaling, talk to your friends, a therapist, your priest, whatever. People advocating for their rights have a lot to do and worry about, it's not reasonable to expect them to manage your feelings or listen to your confessions.

It takes time to learn how to talk about issues with all of the depth and nuance they deserve. Trying to be a teacher after a few weeks of research is a bad idea. If you're new and not well-read, focus on boosting other people's stuff.

Research stuff for yourself as much as you can. There are some people who will be happy to explain things for you, but lots of people are tired and nobody likes repeating the same 101 stuff forever. Searching DuckDuckGo for simple phrases like "systemic racism" or "systemic transphobia" are good places to start.

Go read Information Literacy Basics 101 while you're at it, to improve your research game.

Everybody advocating for their rights is tired and stressed out to some degree. Don't take it personally if they're short with you, and refrain from snapping back. Yes, even if you think they're wrong.

You should generally trust oppressed people when they talk about their own personal experiences, but you don't have to take literally everything they tell you at face value. Distinguishing between people talking about their own experiences and the narratives they use to explain and makes sense of those experiences is a crucial skill.

Posts generalizing about a privileged class are not inherently posts demonizing a privileged class. "All men want to rape" is demonization, "cis men are responsible for most rape" is not. Learn to distinguish between them and don't react to the latter as if it's the former. Bend like a reed in the wind and let it pass over you and through you etc.

Feeling uncomfortable is to be expected, and you have to get used to it. You will hear a lot of things that reframe a lot of things you took for granted in a very negative way. That said - you need to be able to distinguish between feeling uncomfortable and accumulating actual psychological damage. If you start feeling like you're irreparably broken or like you deserve to be punished for having privilege, that's unhealthy.

Acknowledging systemic oppression and the need to dismantle it doesn't mean you need to adopt an us vs. them mentality. In fact, that kind of mentality is unhealthy and harmful. Watch out for that because it can sneak up on you.

No matter what anyone tells you, performatively traumatizing yourself (such as by viewing gory pictures) is not activism. See Bellingcat's article How to Maintain Mental Hygiene as an Open Source Researcher.

You might be tempted to share gory photos because you think it'll get more attention and make people care more. However, sharing photos of murder victims is widely considered disrespectful and traumatizing people will not make them better activists.

This is what I've got right now; additions are welcome.

[dr-lizortecho]

daily reminder that Max Evans was the speaker at one Kyle Manuel Valenti’s funeral, that he was the one who prepared something to say about how much Kyle meant to all of them, at a funeral that had his mother and sister and friends from childhood, instead of any of these long lasting deep and loving relationships being prioritized by the show writers they elected for his archnemesis the man he claims to “not much like” and not only this, but Max stands up in front of his friends and family and can’t even say his farewell, his hands are shaking and he can’t keep his composure, he leaves saying “he can’t” sniffling and tearing up as he walks away

[tthoroughfare]

some random modern!abby headcanons as i Cannot think about anything else. NSFW in the latter half spit kink asf i’m not sorry

she’s chronically offline. has social media but does not use it — her IG has one photo from 3 years ago and the only other social media she has is a facebook account she made when she was 14. her entire page is just shit her dad tags her in; photos of her he’s taken while they’re on vacation, cringey middle aged humor, the Facebook Parent works

90% of the time only uses her phone for what a phone is actually for. probably has a super old one because she doesn’t see the point in replacing it; it’s somehow in like perfect condition though

texts in perfect grammar. before you got used to it you literally thought she was mad at you all the time. hasn’t got it figured out what emojis make sense contextually because she doesn’t really use them and occasionally sends you baffling messages like:

“Got off early. Can’t wait to see you. 😬” (was rushing and thought it was a smile)

but sometimes it’s also very cute, like a grandma who just figured out how to text:

“Do you want to tag along with Manny and Nora to a concert on Saturday? The people they were supposed to go with can’t anymore. 🎶🕺🎸”

the type of gf who will get you doing the most random activities. she’s constantly trying new hobbies and always wants you to be a part of it. she’ll decide on a sunday night she wants to pick up rock climbing, have you both signed up and in the climbing gym monday

or she’ll decide on a whim she wants to take you to a restaurant someone recommended even though it’s an hour and a half drive away

med student abby is canon abby…

she really didn’t want to be a cliche and go into it just because it’s what her dad does, but she was always encouraged to excel academically and found herself naturally drifting in that direction

she makes it look easy, but it’s really not. she gets stressed about everything a lot (particularly wrestling with worries about letting her dad down, which you reiterate she couldn’t do if she tried), but doesn’t really show anyone apart from you. you always make her feel better, though, just as she does for you with your problems

grew up well-off, but isn’t a dick about it. very generous with her money, always buying you little treats and picking up the bill despite your protests. takes you on weekends away wherever possible, or a bigger vacation somewhere tropical during the summer

honestly not the best cook… she’s just used to making food for herself, which tends to be pretty plain. gym bro meals ugh. however, has one or two incredible recipes she can pull out the BAG. makes them for you when she knows you’ve had a long day

would 100% be that post of the guy who set his alarm purposefully earlier so that he could wake up and cuddle his partner before he had to actually get up. she’s normally up before you, regardless of the day or time. abby’s an early riser; she loves the morning. you always stir with a warm drink on the bedside table, and either the sound of her pottering around the apartment or a text saying something along the lines of:

“Heading to the gym. Gave you a kiss before I left but you were still clean out, LOL.”

has extremely random and rogue music taste. same with movies. you figure this out not long into knowing her, when you’re talking about favorite films and she deliberates before carefully stating that her all-time top three are flushed away, interstellar and an old foreign movie you couldn’t pronounce if you tried

speaking of — loves movies! you guys frequent the cinema, but also like to stay in and have movie nights at home. you’ll watch just about anything together, taking it in turns to choose. when you stay in, you make it a Whole Thing. all the bedding gets moved to the living room, you buy snacks, she sits and lets you meticulously paint a face mask on her

sometimes, you’ll attentively watch the whole thing. sometimes, if you get halfway through and it’s not the best, she’ll allow her fingers to trail down from their position atop your upper arm in a manner she knows you’ll pick up on. dipping under your shirt and rubbing loose, gentle circles at your hip for what feels like forever, before nudging at your jaw with her nose and planting a light kiss. you turn to meet her, eyes flitting between hers and her lips; closing the gap and smirking against her mouth, “you’re not subtle.”

blowing air out of her nose and shrugging, she brings her free hand up to the nape of your neck, deepening the kiss. it’s slow and deliberate, everything from the way she moves her lips against yours, to how she steadily shifts you on top of her. she likes to take her time with you, gets off when you have to say please

segueing into nsfw… praise kink spit kink gentle domination vers dynamic hey now

loves it when you show her how desperate you are for her, through words or otherwise. while i can’t see her being much of a talker herself (not to say that’s at all), she encourages your blathering about how good she feels, how much you need her. bonus points if you throw her name in there somewhere

should the occasion arise will absolutely put you through the mattress with the strap, but much more so an acoustic girl. two finger tongue combo diva. for her, it’s all about feeling you. how you contract around her, the little signals your body gives her she’s learned so well

to her, that’s the main point of sex. feeling as much of you as she can, feeling close to you, showing you how much she worships you. it’s filthy, yet reverent and devoted. gets a little possessive sometimes, because you’re hers and only she can have you how she does

whether it be arched up, her fingers plowing into you as she kisses her way over your upper back, hand threaded through your hair. stopping to suck a mark where your neck meets your shoulder, murmuring to ask if you can take three (she knows you can, just wants to hear you say it)

or on top of her, legs slotted together and your hand firmly bracing yourself on her knee whilst you rut against her. hearing her get slightly louder and higher pitched, revelling in the way she looks up at you, brows drawn and eyes full. shared wetness pooling and mingling, her hands all over you like she can’t decide which inch of sweat-sheened skin she wants to touch more

or after you’ve eaten her out and she’s still coming down, you running a hand over the outside of her thigh then kissing over her stomach — making your way back up to her lips, allowing her to taste herself through the sloppy, open-mouthed kiss. licking into her dirtily, running a thumb over her lower lip and softly telling her to open. abby doing as you say; always does as you say. a glob of spit falling from your mouth to hers which she accepts gladly, breathing jagged as she swallows. spurred on, dragging you back in with fervor, moving a hand to circle over your sopping clit

she’s never been like this with anyone, never wanted everything of a person so badly. she’d do anything for you, to you, let you do anything to her

while she does like it to be languid, to last, sometimes she can’t help herself. it’ll be the morning and she’ll rouse, tired eyes dragging over your form. abby shifting closer and wrapping an arm around your waist, you’ll stir a little and groan softly, bringing a hand up to cup her cheek and pivoting your head to give her a kiss. both brains still foggy, operating on basic wants, it doesn’t take long for it to turn from an innocent good morning peck to a desperate mess of tongues. then, to her mouthing at your neck, sliding her fingertips over your bare torso to knead at your breast. you’ll tilt your head back, let out a mewl of her name, before remembering it’s a weekday.

“what time is it?” you’ll ask, freezing and subconsciously trying to look at the clock.

“don’t worry, we’ve got time,” she’ll respond against your skin without missing a beat, hand making its way between your legs and coaxing a sharp exhale from you, “i’ll be quick, i promise.”

she knows you well — she certainly can be quick. still has time to make you that coffee she always does, too.

[alchemistc]

There's been something about the woobification of Buck that's been sitting on the tip of my tongue for weeks now, and I think I've finally figured it out.

This is, of course, mostly in reference to the moral outrage about a decade-ish (give or take) age gap between two adult men and the infantalization of one said grown man, so all the puritanism isn't really coming from a place of good faith anyway, but here's the thing that's been bugging me that I couldn't quite put a finger on until now.

Buck has people he goes to for certain things. He has, what are in his mind, experts in the field for most of the things he can't think through on his own, that he goes to for a sounding board.

He went to Hen to talk through the sperm donor dilemma for a few reasons that made sense to him. 1) She's a mom. She has very much had to deal with the reality of 'giving up' children she considered her own. Buck is aware that he would be giving up something that could mean something to him, and he wants to talk to someone who has some insight into that. 2) She's dealt with IVF. She knows the risks, she knows the trials and tribulations, she knows about this thing that he is thinking about agreeing to be a part of so she's going to have a fuller grasp on the enormity of everything this process entails.

And they drink about it. Hen gives him what she can and cautions him where she thinks she should and they continue to talk about it and regardless of what SHE thinks, he makes his mind up in part because he got to talk to his Expert.

Bobby is often his go to when he feels like he's losing his grip on things. He's seen Bobby staring down the bottom of the bottle. He's seen the work he's done to pull himself back into the world, and he's seen the way he fights for his family, his people. Buck leans on him in times of questioning himself because he knows Bobby has pulled himself off the ledge with bleeding hands and a bleeding heart.

He reaches out to Maddie about interpersonal shit constantly. We see it all the way back in S2 when he's starting to question what the hell he's still doing in Abby's apartment, and that never really changes. She's the one with advice for him when he's angry with his parents, upset with the firefam, worried about his friends, or just generally concerned with the way he's perceived by people or how he perceives the world. He goes to her when he's embarrassed, ashamed, because he knows she won't judge him for it. She'll call him out, for sure, but she's not going to look at him differently when she knows he's done something he considers bad behavior.

When he goes to her during the Tommy arc, he's there for one reason he'll admit, and another she has to ferret out. 1) He lied to his best friend and he doesn't know why. 2) Oh yeah he went on a date with a dude that's not strange WHY IS THAT STRANGE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN ALLY PLEASE DON'T PULL BACK THE CURTAIN - and Maddie is there with two things: 1) It's not weird but it IS new and something you clearly haven't worked through all the way which is why 2) you'll tell Eddie when you're ready

And Eddie is sort of his go-to to bounce ideas off of. Eddie is his Buck expert. Eddie is the guy who can sort through all the bullshit and who sees Buck for exactly who he is, every time, regardless of what Buck himself is thinking. Eddie is his best friend, and he knows the good the bad and the ugly better than anyone else. He is also, quite frankly, the one Buck seeks out to help him contextualize all of his romantic feelings for people. Eddie's the guy he talks to when he's interested in someone, when he's falling for someone, he's the guy through which Buck filters his love interests into the firefam. I do the same shit with my best friend. It's instinct to want the person you consider the expert on you to meet the person you are interested in, it's instinct to want them to like each other, to get along. Buck knows Eddie loves him (in whatever way you see that love, Buck knows Eddie loves him) and he wants this person who loves him to be at least an active listener as he talks himself through the minefield of relationships. I do also think that up until the events of season seven, Buck considers Eddie sort of an expert on that traditional love-marriage-kids-white-picket-fence relationship Buck thinks he's striving for - in a very naive way, because obviously the wasn't what Eddie and Shannon had and Buck knows that, but he's probably fed some of Eddie's rose colored reminiscences back into that notion.

When he comes out to Eddie he's got two worries. 1) I lied to you and I figured out why but I'm still a little worried you think it's weird and 2) I screwed it up with someone I really like and I don't know where to go from here.

And Eddie (Buck expert) reassures him that just because it's new and unexpected doesn't make it strange, that it doesn't change anything in their friendship. And then he gets right to the heart of it - if you like him you should reach out and tell him that. He doesn't know you like we do but if you give him the chance to, he'll love you as much as we do. If he doesn't give it the same shot you want to he's the idiot.

With all that context in mind, Buck isn't seeking out Tommy's attention because he wants an authority figure, or someone to take care of him, someone to guide him through sex or love or relationship dynamics or any of the other random shit I've seen ppl infantalizing Buck about.

What he's looking for, and what he ultimately tells Tommy he'd like to pursue, is a partnership. Someone to walk (or more likely for Buck, speedrun) through experiences together. The Athena to his Bobby, the Chim to his Maddie, the Karen to his Hen.

So every time I see someone infantalizing Buck for seeking out a relationship with an older man for X or Y reason, I'm just like - no. He has Bobby, Hen, Maddie, Eddie, Chim etc for that. He doesn't want or need Tommy for that. He is a grown ass man who has built these strong relationships with his peers and his mentors and he is so fucking aware of that because he reaches for their help any time he feels the urge for a helping hand.

So yeah, Tommy's older. Yes, Tommy has more experience with his sexuality than Buck. And that - that's really it. Buck's been in the same career for more than half a decade. He's lived on his own since he was no older than 19/20. He's had serious relationships, he has a rich and fulfilling life. There is no power imbalance in the relationship between Buck and Tommy.

And while the age gap may be a bit of a draw for Buck, it's not WHY he's attracted to Tommy. We know because he's told Maddie. He's cool. He's interesting. He's confident. He has a cleft.

Buck isn't going into this waiting for someone older and more experienced to take the fucking reins. He felt like he clicked with Tommy, like there was an immediate connection, and yes, Tommy had to kiss him about it for Buck to actually figure out what it was he was experiencing, but from that point on it was all on Buck (and the people he leans on for advice) to help him sort through.

Tommy didn't do shit other than pump the brakes and try to give Buck the space he thought he needed to decide what he was ready for. Buck (again, with the help of his experts - Maddie for the emotional piece of it, Eddie for the Buck of it all) did the work on his own. Tommy didn't swoop in and overbearingly hold his hand through a sexual awakening. He kissed him, asked him out, realized he wasn't ready, stepped back and then checked in multiple times when Buck came back at it going 120 miles an hour.

And then he did everything he could to prove to Buck he wanted the same thing - a partner, someone to talk to, and lean on, and flirt with and rely on to show up whenever they could feasibly manage it (and sometimes when it's a little unfeasible too).

The narrative even acknowledges that Buck had no reason to go to Bobby in this scenario, when he often would, and lays out exactly why.

Within the canon of this particular arc, we're meant to see this as Buck realizing he has the experience necessary to think these things through on his own. This is Buck finally taking control of something that's always felt like it fell into his lap a bit. This is Buck doing more than treading water until his legs give out.

And minimizing that growth bc you personally don't like the LI he's pursuing is gross at best. At worst it's something much more insidious.

[queerprayers]

I am appalled that sometimes, my prayers come in the form of cuss words, especially when I’m in pain or I feel lost.

I'm not, beloved!

I mean, I don't know what exactly you're saying, but that's how most curse words came into being, I'd imagine. Research points to swearing actually helping with (physical) pain. Most people swear at least once in their lives.

We only have human language with which to approach God. You're using the strongest/angriest/most evocative words in your language to try to express the pain in your life, and you're taking it to God. I'm not necessarily advocating it, but I'm not appalled--it makes sense to me. And I wouldn't advocate it not because it, like, offends my sensitive morals, but because there's probably something deeper you should learn how to say, if not instead of at least in addition to. Start where you are, with what you have. Honest prayer (however crude) is infinitely better than stilted, repressed, unemotional prayer.

When it comes to swearing, I'm much more interested in the how and why than the concept. I answered this ask about specifically "taking the Lord's name in vain," if you're interested. Most talk about swearing in the Bible is about the promising kind, not about stubbing your toe. In terms of swearing at people, we can definitely point to verses that remind us how we should talk to others. But these different perspectives only show how varied and contextual language is.

Is the specific language you're using twisting or making light of something you want to take more seriously? Are you actively harming anyone else? What are you not able to express through other language? Are you having trouble managing your emotions? These are the kind of questions I'd encourage you to ask yourself, instead of centering any gut reaction to being what is considered "rude" or "offensive" in this time/place/culture.

And don't figure this out before you come to God. Don't prepare yourself or change yourself and then pray. Why would you violently express yourself and then gather yourself and pray nicely? Pray violently! Pray now, with the language you have, with unmanaged emotions or no words that can do your experience justice. Come as you are--however you speak. God can take it. God could take Job cursing the day he was born--and I can't imagine Job was using nice, thought-out language.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with--deal with what you have to deal with, don't add on guilt about whether you're saying everything the right way. I mean, if you're going around being mean to people, work on that, but let out what you need to let out otherwise. You're gonna find new ways to say things, and receive more peace the more you walk the path of prayer, and also you're gonna stub your toe (or an emotional equivalent of that) and say the strongest word you know. And it's gonna be okay.

God is not appalled. God is listening. God knows what you mean--and sometimes what you mean is [redacted].

<3 Johanna

[starlight-eclipsed]

Hey okay so I know I've sent a lot of ask recently but I just got hit by a ton of revelations while reading Duped and I need to scream.

In the most loving way possible and with so much respect for your writing and universe, pray we do not meet because it is ON SIGHT.

Hey so you know that feeling when you start reading something that re-contextualizes everything you know about a character and how they act?

That's me right now!

(Its like entering a building knowing that you have to duck a little to get through the entrance except you misjudged how much you had to duck and slam your head into the frame. You saw the obstacle but didn't notice how much space it took up until it was too late!

I knew Legato was having issues with alienation and forming connections and generally being self-sacrificial except Duped came out and suddenly everything was so much worse than I realized for my favorite little guy.)

Now Duped by itself was fine! Heartbreaking and a wonderful prologue to the series that establishes Legato's mindset going into it but then I finished writing my commentary/analysis on Four & Legato throughout Puppet Show to To Dance on a String. And then I did a comparison between Porcelain Veneer and To Dance on a String and I proceeded to get hit with so many realizations all at once.

What do you mean Legato's profound sense of alienation and self-sacrifice at the start of the series is partly stemming from his grief over losing Ravio?

Ravio, his Lorulean(?) counterpart, who followed him back to Hyrule and stayed and became his home.

What do you mean Legato has been operating on the assumption that his home abandoned him without warning (again).

(His uncle left him first. Died in the sewers and left Legato alone to save a kingdom. The guards who were supposed to protect him as a citizen of Hyrule tried to murder him on his first adventure without questioning why they were attacking a 9-10 year old child. The villagers who half raised him who did things that Legato avoids thinking about during his first adventure in Puppet Show.

Marin and Koholint Island in general.

Chain ver. 1.

Cadence whose relationship with both Legato and Zelda hasn't been discussed.

That's all the ones I can think of on the top of my head without research and it definitely doesn't include all of his games.

Legato doesn't get to keep the people he cares about in his life. He had Ravio. He sort of has Zelda but he also doesn't because she has a duty to Hyrule at large above anything else and she's stuck in the castle more often than not while Legato is out there.)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN LEGATO LOST THE PERSON WHO HAS CONSISTENTLY CALLED HIM OUT ON HIS BS AND FOUGHT FOR LEGATO AND NOT THE HERO OF LEGEND

Their relationships had a rocky transactional beginning but it would be false to say that Ravio doesn't care now. He cares so much about Legato now!

His last words to Ravio were about it being better to die than to abandon someone in need and then Legato proceeds to do exactly that in Cadence of Hyrule. He doubles down so hard on that belief that he dies repeatedly. It's almost like he needs to make a point to himself! Or worse that he doesn't care now that he's lost his strongest anchor point to the world!

Legato loves being a hero and traveling and meeting people but he's doing it at his own detriment.

I've had this little joke to myself since I started writing my Four & Legato commentary that Ravio is Legato's missing purple self as a funny haha thing.

NO IT IS NOT A FUNNY HAHA THING ITS A VERY SAD AND SHARP KNIFE!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HAVE TO REVIEW ALL MY ANALYSIS AND THE SERIES WITH THIS CONTEXT

THAT'S NOT EVEN CONSIDERING LEGATO ALREADY GRIEVING CHAIN VER. 1.

(There are some parallels in Legato & Four's relationship that I can see echoes of in Legato & Ravios relationship but the dynamic isn't the same because Four is a hero and Ravio isn't.

Ravio understands and contrasts Legato in such important ways and will always care more about Legato than Hyrule.

And I don't think Four can do that.)

Yeah so if we ever meet I will have to fight you on principle after all of this.

It shall be a duel for the ages! >:D

Do you realize how agonizing it was to talk about Legato's thought process throughout the series without bringing up Ravio??? Like you're fully justified in screaming but I assure you I have suffered in turn XD

The nature of Ravio's departure was something that I kept forgetting was a secret. But yeah, Legato was indeed operating on the (very untrue but reasonable under the circumstances) belief that Ravio finally got tired of dealing with him and left without so much as a goodbye.

It creates a bit of an interesting parallel between his first and second time adventuring with the Chain. If traveling with ver. 1 of the Chain taught him that it was okay to open up and care for people again, ver. 2 is about him getting it hammered into his head that he is loved. That his loved ones are just as unwilling to let go of him.

Yeah, Legato's love for adventuring has kind of gotten distorted. He's still genuinely having a good time in most instances and will say so if asked. But for a while there he felt like it was the only thing he had left. It defines his whole life--which is a bit more concerning for an apparent child than it is for Legend (which is something I wanna address in the future if circumstances allow).

All in all: Duped was challenging to write but I'm thrilled to see that it had its intended effect <3

[maxwellhauskaffee]

I remember reading somewhere someone explaining how you can have a likable villain, such as Walter White, and the reason you like them is because they're horrible and the show makes no excuses for their state of being.

Walt's conflict with others and seeing how amoral he becomes makes him compelling. Same for Gus. Even Tuco's likable despite being insane because he's Daffy Duck with a Jericho 941.

I know it's been said ad-nauseum as to how Stolas is a shitty character, but the problem lies with the fact that the authors never commit in a direction that would make him compelling or likable as a morally good or bad character.

I want to note: just because someone's bad doesn't mean they have to suffer the consequences *coughpilotStolascough*. This isn't an Aesop - we're not five. It's hell. In this universe, bad people arguably should get away with bad things. So why doesn't this work with Stolas?

-- Woobie Syndrome -- For me, the problem is the show excuses Stolas being bad in an attempt to make him appear good.

SO - I'm going to dissect how to do this right with various characters without excusing what they did.

-- Excusing vs. Contextualizing --

The first hurdle in creating a compelling amoral or questionably moral character is understanding why they do what they do. Of course, I'll be using Breaking Bad as an example because, well, fuck you.

Gus, Jesse, and Walter - each of them has a woobie backstory that makes them more likable. Of course, this isn’t strictly necessary, but it's how Breaking Bad executes and layers everything that’s truly magical.

More importantly, their backstories don’t excuse what they do; they contextualize who they are as people.

Gus Fring's "woobie" backstory is that his lover was killed by the cartel, which ignites his desire for revenge. Through this murder, Gus learns that he must be meticulous and non-threatening to make his twenty-year plan a reality. He also realizes from this incident that he must understand what people want, rather than assuming he knows.

Gus is subtle by nature, which contrasts with his personality ( spiteful / wrathful ), and this is depicted in everything he does.

He uses nuanced psychological tactics. Perfect example is his surroundings. He works as a manager in person and donates funds to charity while living a moderate lifestyle. This makes him unassuring and relatable to the average person. When inviting Walt to his house, Gus leaves toys around to tap into Walter's sense of masculinity and responsibility as a family man, appealing to his desire to provide. With Jesse, Gus sees someone who is lost, easy to influence, and doesn't receive respect. Gus uses Mike to create a wedge between Jesse and Walter so he can kill Walter and use Jesse to manufacture, knowing Jesse likely won't cause conflict in production.

While Gus's facade is to be kind and unassuming to get what he wants, he has a limit.

If you disrespect his agreements or rules, he'll show his repressed nature. Better still, it's foreshadowed by prior statements he made and his story about the coati.

I won't get too deep into the other two, but based on the triptych I've made, you can deduce how they're similarly done. But in short for them:

Jesse's woobie backstory is that his parents abandoned him and he becomes a pawn in everyone else's story. Yet he's lazy and unmotivated despite having extreme talent in chemistry and woodworking.

Jesse's sloth, low self-esteem, and gullible nature cause him to commit atrocious crimes. He murders an innocent man ( Gale Boetticher ). He influences the relapse of his girlfriend ( Jane Margolis ) while breaking up her family ( Donald Margolis ) and also second-hand causes her OD. He steals, lies, and cheats his partner ( Walter White ) early on while spending Walt's money and "borrowing" an RV from Combo's aunt (?). He tries to sell meth to rehab patients.

-- POV Preference --

Because Jesse, Gus, and Walt are pivotal pov characters, we see things from their perspectives and accounts. We feel what they feel.

There were brief moments in watching BB that I momentarily forgot they're drug manufacturers murdering and ruining the lives of millions with their products. I felt bad for them!

But from Gale's perspective, a crazy man ( Jesse ) has come to murder him for no reason. From Walt's ( and later Jesse's ) perspective, Gus is a sociopath who uses and kills children. From Jesse's perspective, Walt's a narc who would kill a child ( Brock Cantillo ) and never cared for him.

Imagine Jesse's parents as pov characters. From Jesse's perspective, they're assholes who ignored his dying aunt ( who he was the sole caretaker of ) and who held him to an impossible standard and only cared about achievements, not who he is as a person.

From their perspective. Jesse's an ungrateful child born into privilege that he squandered. He's a repeat drug addict and dealer who would negatively influence their son who's on the right track.

They're both correct. Even more so since they're not omnipresent like we are.

-- Consistent Consequences --

In Breaking Bad, the tone of everything is consistent. The world is meant to be grounded like our own with funny moments here and there. The characters are thoroughly established and explored in isolated and social settings, thus establishing the rules of how they operate. This establishment of the rules means any deviation that's not been consistently established creates a tonal whiplash or plot/character inconsistency. Every character has a sin that begets their downfall.

When I saw this state of Walter, I didn't think, "omg poor babeee," I thought, "what the absolute fuck. You threw away a good life because you were too narcissistic to take the help from your friends and family. Your actions have literally killed hundreds."

Walt's not tragic and pitiful because he's an innocent woobie. Walt's tragic and pitiful because he's a guy who was down on his luck. A man who was shaped by the traumatic event of watching his father die. A man who made stupid ass decisions out of hubris thus turning his life and the lives of those around him a living hell. And the show establishes all of this from subtle to overt actions he takes starting in episode 1.

The show doesn’t excuse Walt’s actions. It contextualizes them so we understand him and empathize with him as a POV character. But at his core, we know who and what he is. By the end of the show, it further solidifies this, establishing that he’s the architect of his own demise.

So why does Stolas feel broken?

( God this screen shot. He could've been a cool villain wtf. )

-- Tonal Inconstency --

Everyone knows that pilot Stolas is best Stolas for me. The dynamic was simple: he pesters Blitzo for sex in exchange for his book and Blitzo tries to run his business. Good set up. Great.

But starting with LooLoo Land, they went with coffee shop au Stolas because someone suggested it on Viv's team and she just ran with it.

I don't like the latter BUT - this still could've worked.

The problem with this is, common with Viv's works, none of this was planned. There wasn't a blueprint as to who was who, the conflicts that could cause, and where to go.

Of course I write gay little fanfics so I know you won't know everything upfront. But Even then I still had a blueprint for the first five chapters to ensure tonal consistency and backstory. Any edits I've had to make at current have been extremely minor. Also, I'm one writer and editor whereas Viv has a team of four writers for HoaB.

The show takes place in hell, yet Breaking Bad feels and is more edgy, amoral, and demonic than HoaB ever is. Which is crazy because - it's hell.

I know a lot of HoaB critics hate that Stolas is a racist who extorts a lower-class individual for sex, but I like that. This is hell. I want to see evil things, even as a dark comedy, and how that plays out.

I like that the show establishes Stolas as a well-meaning but shitty dad who's priotizing sex over family obligations ( his daughter ).

I love that he's consistently condescending to socially lower classes without seeing that as a problem. Why would he? He's been raised in luxury and he's a Goetia.

Up until around s1e5 everything felt more like a dark comedy. What was promised and shown in the pilot. But - major cracks started to show around this point for me...

Octavia mentions that her parents used to love each other and get along. This is hinted at in paintings in their house. If they didn't get along before, Octavia would've mentioned that or not said how they used to get along. No person I've ever known who had a parent being abused didn't not notice that shit...

Because season 1 is primarily a comedy, the "abuse" scenes play out like one. I initially thought this further exploration between Stolas and Stella would be "Tom and Jerry antics" with Stella trying to kill her cheating husband as a kind of c-plot.

So the tone and plot consistency is breaking from Octavia's comments and what was established prior, but nothing super major... YET.

After this, we get the amazing scene in s1e6 where Blitzo trips balls and reveals more about him as a person.

Fizz's line, "You tried the solo act - didn’t work out so well!" builds on his introduction in s1e2. Because this is from Blitzo’s pov, I wonder "what and why" in a good way. So far this trip aligns with Blitzo's character highlighting his persistence in maintaining his business to mask his lack of self-worth - both in terms of class and interpersonal relationships.

Then we get Stolas...

The way I interpreted this scene is that Blitzo is stuck in the muck of his past mistakes with ex friends and lovers. The golden stairs appear, which seem to represent his idea of moving up in life through Stolas, even at the expense of his integrity ( insert chains motif ).

But then, Dream Stolas says, "Are you afraid to love people, Blitzy?" which I initially thought was him mocking Blitzo, as this is true in the context of his peers, NOT Stolas who he's shown to hate with NO inkling of lust or love. Only transaction for the book.

This makes more sense with what we've been shown, right? There's been no covert or overt hints that either Blitzo or Stolas love each other nor want to be with each other beyond the lustful transaction of sex. RIGHT???

Stolas saves the day and looks like an intimidating asshole. He's upset because Blitzo almost got caught, which would jeopardize Stolas' job, which is shown here to be his primary concern. The lighting and framing of this eludes to all of this.

So far so good. Everything about their dynamic is intact while heightening Stolas as a threat to Blitzo if he fucks up again.

This is a good escalation of conflict! It's been established that despite wanting to be a professional Blitzo is anything but, which is also good internal conflict for him.

THEN OZZIE'S HAPPENS.

Stolas is watching TV where some imp says, "why won't you love me Alejandro?" And Stolas replies, "that's a mood, Gabriela!"

In isolation, I like this little scene! Scary but affable demon has a soft spot for soap operas. Nice comedy. But unfortunately, this is foreshadowing to something that will be poorly executed s2 onwards...

The payoff is Blitzo lies to Stolas that he's asking him on a date so he can spy on Moxxie and Millie. First: Blitzo was in the wrong for this. He's being creepy and exploiting someone's lust for him. But this is consistent for him. He exploited Stolas for sex before, and he's shown in the prior episodes to have weird attachment issues with his coworkers. Solid. Good.

This works so long as the tone remains a dark comedy. But as seen in s1e6 THE SHIFT HAS BEGUN. So these kinds of exaggerated jokes start to not work when the show wants us to take the moral consequences of these characters seriously.

I'm going to do something controversial... I'm going to give Stolas a slight pass in this episode. From his pov he thinks Blitzo is being sincere. From his pov he doesn't see the power-dynamics of his past actions because - it's hell; there's a caste system. For all he knows: this is sincerely a fun date that an imp, being lower class, would enjoy as he's being offered privileges he normally doesn't have access to.

Stolas is making an effort to know and accommodate Blitzo. "What are you looking at? Do you prefer red or white wine? How was your day? How did you kill them? So what made you decide to ask me out after all this time?"

This is GOOD. This is showing that, while not malicious in his prior treatment, Stolas is at least highly privileged and ignorant but wants companionship. Gilded cage and all that. You can work with this. You can have great internal and external conflict here.

But the core thing that should be retained is Stolas' past and future actions are still deplorable. The inherent nature of these actions shouldn't be ignored by Blitzo because Blitzo's been calling them out since s1e1. Stolas offered sex for his book, knowing Blitzo needs it. He's constantly condescending to Blitzo primarily for his species ( imp ) and treats him like a plaything.

Since Blitzo historically dislikes Stolas' racism and being treated as a play thing because he's an imp and Stolas wants to care for and be with Blitzo: Stolas will have to endure the growth and setbacks of his past actions.

That's what Ozzie's is now setting up as their arc. So long as the show remembers this while becoming more serious in tone, it'll be good.

Right?

RIGHT?

SO THEN THIS SHIT HAPPENS.

To me this was the first scene that really let me know the prior character relations are dead as is the primary tone ( comedy ). It went from funny toxic yaoi ship to woobie toxic yaoi ship.

-- Rewrites and Retcons --

Remember that scene of Blizo being chained by Stolas? It wasn't an allegory for their toxic WORK relationship. No... It was ALSO because Stolas loved him and Blitzo loves Stolas but Blitzo didn't think Stolas could love him because insert garden scene from s2e9 reasons which contradicts Blitzo's reasons from s2e8. This extends to almost everything concerning who Stolas is and it travels to other characters to ensure both Blitzo and Stolas are woobies with Stolas being the worst offender.

Stolas didn't cheat because he's a spoiled lustful Goetia from privilege! He cheated because his wife is a domestic abuser ( insert Octavia's claims of otherwise ), he's a downtrodden closeted gay, and he was lonely! It wasn't bad that he cheated when he could've simply divorced his wife when Octavia came of age or beforehand! The gay human who cheated on his wife and prevented her family from seeing their kids proves Stolas is innocent and all of this is morally ok! Because the gay humans are happy! STOLAS DID NOTHING WRONG. That gay man's wife was mad that her husband cheated on her and prevented them from seeing her family, which makes her worse than Hitler!

Tracking back a bit - there's a lot of shit that happens from the dumbass "we knew each other as kids" shit and SO MUCH OTHER CRAP. But essentially, not only does the tone shift in a way that's a whiplash, it breaks the established character motivation and lore.

Blitzo first and foremost, since s1e1, wants to be his own man and not looked down upon. He has a contempt for higher classes due to his treatment as an imp. S1 Stolas was a perfect foil for Blitzo because he stood for everything Blitzo hated. Stolas is rich, classist, and racist. Even when Stolas was trying to be courteous, it's not until s2e8 that he KINDA' apologizes for the sexual exchange he had Blitzo under.

I know there's a lot of hate for this scene, but it still works in parts. Of course Blitzo wouldn't believe Stolas because their history has been largely transactional. Of course Stolas would be upset because he's too dense to realize this fact and how it could affect Blitzo's outlook of him. And of course Stolas would be a baby about it because of who he's established to be.

-- Excuses -- But the tone and execution feels very one-sided... Apology tour makes Blitzo out to be the big bad and frame Stolas as innocent in all of this which is INSANE.

I hate everything in the garden scene so much... "so you're used to being the one who crushes others' feelings?" This contradicts your "only if you want to" outlook and shows you DIDN'T care about Blitzo's autonomy but expected him to choose you. Stolas thinks he was being like Beast, but he wasn't until s2e11 and even THEN that's breaking his promise to Octavia.

Like - Stolas claims that Blitzo's brain dead and thinks all of his racism and classism is in his head BUT, NIGGA - THE FIRST SEASON. GO BACK TO THE FIRST SEASON??? Also you're a pretensious shit in Sinsmas and constantly belittle Blitzo for being poor while insulting imp customs ( which canon Blitzo would NOT tolerate )??? You ADMIT you were lustful and threw your privileged life away and that you care about that more like - LOL WHAT???

Stolas never apologized for being racist. In fact - he denies that he ever was! He admits throwing his life away for a fantasy. Shows various times in Sinsmas he still thinks imps are lower in customs and lifestyle. This all makes Blitzo correct in his prior assumptions. And Apology Tour makes Stolas out to be completely innocent?? Like - WHAT IS THE ARC. WHAT IS THE FOLLOW THROUGH.

I know that there's two povs here but like - even when switching back and forth it's not consistent anymore?

Am I supposed to think Stolas is a poor man who's suffering the insults of a bitter imp and an abusive wife? OR - Am I supposed to see Stolas as struggling to overcome his pride, prejudice, and lust but because he doesn't and refuses to see the truth and apologize he's enduring the results of his actions???

Is Stolas a Skyler where he's forced to do horrible things because of systems or other characters made him or is he a Walter?

Other videos have done a better analysis of how everything is broken in this show concerning Blitzo and Stolas. I know that Breaking Bad is like topology mathematics, whereas HoaB is at best multiplication tables... BUT - there should be character consistency. Cause and effect. Actions and consequences.

The show woobifies Stolas when he's done bad things that should logically play out bad.

I'd say Sinsmas is the start of Stolas reaping what he sows which would be great! His sin was lust and considering the rules his current life makes sense. But is the show going to show and imply, "this is what happens when you do _ in this world" or is the show going to pull an Apology Tour?

Gus, Jesse, Walter, Skyler, etc? They all suffer the actions of their consequences.

If Breaking Bad were written like HoaB the show would frame Gus as "poor woobie gay man who's lover got killed by the cartel! Sure he was going to poison millions with drugs and later uses and kills kids while exploiting those around him for his long-term revenge plot, but he had to! His gay lover was killed! He was upset! Everything was taken from him! It makes sense in context! Gus is just going through a lot!"

And this is why I don't like how they handled Stolas or Blitzo...

[thathellenicpolytheist]

Hello! I recently found your blog as a disabled hellenic polytheist, I am so excited to find you! I also use mobility aids daily, and am wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing ways you accommodate yourself in worship. I know the gods are fine with what we can do, and I should not push myself beyond my spoons for the day, but I feel like I can be doing more. Thank you in advance, and thank you for your blog :)

hi thank you so much for the ask :)

so accommodations and alterations to worship will look slightly different for every disabled person based on what needs they have but also it will look different for every religious person if they practice that religion differently.

what i as an autistic, bpd+bipolar I, wheelchair dependent, chronically ill, immunocompromised, reconstructionist do for adaptations will look very different to what a someone else with the same conditions might do for their adaptations if they are revivalist or even other recons who have slightly different views on what reconstruction means to them.

so i want to be very clear everything i talk about is only what i do for my practice and my disabilities.

so first thing i will say:

sometimes i don’t and accept that i might not be able to practice the way i want to or for a short while

which won’t be the answer for everyone but it is what i personally do for my life, is that sometimes i just don’t adapt my praxis. there are definitely areas i do but i think in the name of transparency its important for me to say that i sometimes don’t. because there are certain things i might be going through where i think adapting my praxis to make it accessible would be the “wrong” decision for me personally or where i might feel based on the way i view things it doesnt make sense to adapt.

like i have a rule in place with my friends and family that they need to try stop me from any religious activities when i am in an active manic episode because i suffer significantly from psychosis while manic, especially so from religious psychosis, and doing any worship, even religious activities i do when not experiencing delusions, makes that psychosis worse and last longer so there is no safe way to adapt for that.

another time when i sometimes just dont adapt my praxis is after i look at what reason i might be needing an adaptation more closely to decide if i think it is one that i should be making at all. this is because i observe ritual cleanliness through a, for lack of better words, “stricter” lens and personally feel sometimes if i was to worship under certain circumstances i would not be upholding ritual cleanliness to the degree i want to hold it to in my praxis.

for example if i am low on spoons i look at wether that is as a result of physical exertion having taken a toll on my body (for example if the days prior i had done intense physio therapy on my legs and it’s drained me) or if it’s because i am immunocompromised and have came down with an infection, or sickness (such as when i got covid or mono).

if it’s the first i will make adaptations because i am not “sick” with anything, i just have a disabled body. if it’s the second however i don’t adapt it and i just don’t practice how i typically would until i am no longer sick. because in that second scenario i both have a disabled body and am physically sick and if i wasn’t disabled and had covid or mono i also wouldn’t be worshipping or at least not in my typical fashion. what i might do however while sick is make some prayers to Asclepius with the promise to make a libation once i am better because contextually we know that Asclepius was more relaxed about sickness based uncleanliness, given his temples and sanctuaries functioned as refuge for the sick.

another place where i just don’t adapt it and essentially accept that for that moment in time i wont worship as i usually would is if the result of my disability at that point in time means i am unable to wash myself.

if i have been having multiple seizures daily for multiple days in a row, it is not safe for my to shower incase i have a seizure in the shower and fall out my shower wheelchair, hit my head and end up drowning. and if i have gone several days without showering or cleaning myself i personally don’t feel i should be approaching the Theoi because i am not clean and if i hadn’t showered for multiple days for a non disability reason (such as when there was flooding where i live and we couldn’t run water as a result) i also wouldn’t approach my worship the same.

with the areas i don’t adapt out of the way i will move onto your real question on how i do adapt my practice!

prayer stance.

in antiquity the typical prayer stance used was: standing with your hands either raised to the skys, sea or ground (depending on which type of God or Goddess you are praying too). obviously as a someone who is wheelchair dependent i can not stand so i don’t. but also because of my joint issues if i have dislocated my shoulder recently i can’t always hold my arms up so i will instead rest them in my lap or on my altar with my palms facing the direction they should be if i was holding my arms out without support (as pictured below)

offerings

because of my chronic fatigue i don’t always have the spoons to tend to food offerings placed on my altars (removing them after placing them before they expire) so if i know i have been struggling more with my energy i don’t do food offerings and instead focus on other offerings like poetry, devotional acts, incense, etc because once i have made the offering there isn’t the same upkeep.

i also typically like making my own baked goods for offerings (namely honey cakes and oat cakes but also breads and the like) but sometime i just don’t have the ability to cook or bake so i keep some oat biscuits that i bought specifically for using as offerings when i am too unfit to make my own oat biscuits and cakes.

i like reading and researching as devotion acts to Athena but as someone who is incredibly incredibly dyslexic, and who suffers from intense migraines, reading is sometimes entirely out of the question so instead i will make use of audio books and video essays and sometimes even online lectures so even while ill i am pursuing knowledge and wisdom.

hymns

sometimes when i’m really really struggling for spoons but want to do something from bed i like listening to hymns as it makes me feel closer to my praxis.

overall for me the main thing is learning to be comfortable with the knowledge that the Theoi are understanding of my limitations as a disabled person and don’t hold that against me. it was teaching myself to allow for not being “perfect” in my praxis that made me feel a lot closer to it.

[bg3loredump]

Firiel's Lore Part One: Character Inspiration and Backstory

All the odds are stacked against us. By all logic I should have stopped trying a long time ago. Powers way bigger than myself are pulling all the strings, disrupting the lives of us little folk for the sake of their so-called grand designs, without even a second thought. And yet, for some reason, I keep fighting for… something. Happiness? Contentment? Are those even really possible? Not sure, wouldn’t know. But for better or worse, I don’t seem to be able to stop trying.

Hi. So if the not-so-subtle favouritism toward her on my Instagram didn’t make it clear, Firiel is my favourite RPG character that I’ve ever created. By far. Bar none. Even during the 4-month hiatus between her two playthroughs, I thought about her every day, and still do. One of the main reasons I decided to start a BG3 account in the first place was because it was wigging me out that I was the only one who knew anything about this character; (I think I was really missing the aspect of tabletop RPGs where you get to bond over your silly little guys with a group of friends) but now, thanks to the absolutely INCREDIBLE WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL BG3 community on Instagram, she now actually exists in other people’s brains too, which is more gratifying than I could put into words (I actually tear up about it sometimes, not even kidding). 

But why her? I’ve made MANY different RPG characters over the years, all of which I love very dearly; so what is it about Firiel and her story that has me tweaking out and hyperfixating like a maniac and crying waaaay more than I should about a fictional character that I made up? The short answer is that I probably (definitely) need therapy. The slightly longer answer is that this character’s story, more than any other, feels very much like an artistic passion project to me; like I have things to say and feelings to express, and for some reason the medium through which it’s all coming out is Baldur’s Gate 3. So through this little series of posts that I’m putting together, I want to expand on her lore, share some background, and try to put into words why exactly Firiel is so special to me, in the hope that it resonates with the handful of people out there who have also become invested in her whole thing. 

Character inspiration

Ok, I’m gonna do something that I really didn’t want to do, but think I have to in order to contextualize everything that follows: talk about myself. I definitely don’t want to get into details about my personal life too much, but I will say this - the past five years of my life have been notably chaotic. It has felt like every time I think I find some sense of stability or certainty or hope of progressing and building in life, some kind of major wrench gets thrown into the plan and I gotta scramble to make something else work, over and over, again and again. And I know I’m far from alone in this experience, because I’ve watched many of the people closest to me go through the exact same shitty cycle right next to me in different forms; things seem ok enough to make progress in life, the rug gets pulled from under us, we scramble, and we somehow get through it and make something work - wash, rinse, repeat. Sometimes it’s been because of unpredictable circumstances outside of anyone’s control (*ahem* UNPRECEDENTED TIMES, for example). Sometimes it’s because someone in our life that we were counting on lets us down. Sometimes it’s because we learn something crucial about ourselves that we didn’t realize before, and it changes the entire trajectory of our life plan! And a LOT of the time it’s just because, for lack of better phrasing, it’s fuckin’ rough out here; life is messy and chaotic, and the world we live in often feels harsh and confusing and unfair. 

This cycle is frustrating, disappointing, infuriating, and exhausting. It creates a feeling of stagnation, or of constantly restarting or getting sent backwards over and over. It feels that whatever you're after - your dreams, goals, certainty, contentment - is somehow always being denied or pushed further out of reach, despite any and all of your best efforts. And yet, even though we’ve been through this cycle countless times and know that we’ll probably go through it countless more, we pick ourselves up and keep going - keep trying - every time. Because we gotta.

Ok, back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Yes, this is still about Baldur’s Gate 3, I swear. When I booted up this game for the first time, Firiel was basically a blank slate; I had no backstory in mind, and barely any characterization. All I knew was that I wanted to try playing as a druid because my friend showed me the wild shape mechanic and it looked fun. But as I played the game, without me even consciously intending it, her character concept became very solid and clear: what if there was a person who had gone through that same cycle I’d experienced - stumbling through life, constantly adapting to whatever new wild obstacle gets thrown at her - but for centuries? Thus, she’s an exhausted mess.

Backstory (or at least some of it)

Aptly enough, Firiel’s backstory is also a bit of a mess, and that’s why I’ve only released little tidbits at a time so far (I honestly think that if I WERE to write out every detail in my brain it would be a nightmare to write and read, so I’ll spare us all). I think it also might be a bit weird as Dnd backstories go; normally I’d be like, “this is how the character grew up, these are the key events and/or traumas that shaped them, bada bing bada boom it’s a backstory.” But the way Firiel’s backstory has shaped her is less about a few key, significant events and more about a constant, steady drip of less-than-ideal situations that span her entire life.

In summation, Firiel has barely known a feeling of being content and settled in all 227 of her years. From childhood, she was strongly, innately drawn to the natural world and grew up with an unrelenting feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction while living in the urban setting of Baldur’s Gate. She became an outlander by choice, forgoing urban comforts to live a life of literal survival mode as soon as she reached adulthood. She spent over a century just scraping by in the wilds of Faerûn, never staying in one place for very long, with the intention of figuring out who she was and what she actually wanted out of life. She’s seen a lot of things and been a lot of people; a vagabond, a nomad, a solitary traveller, a druid, an adventurer, a functional alcoholic, and above all: an aimless wanderer that has no real idea of what she should be doing.

For better or for worse, this outlander lifestyle that Firiel chose meant that facing frequent survival threats were just kinda part of the deal (i.e. enduring the elements, occasional scarcity of food and/or water, limited GP, and of course the various beasts and monsters that are out and about in the wilds of Faerûn). On the positive side, living that way for so long gave her an unwavering sense of confidence and competence when dealing with difficult situations, because there’s something to be said for proving to yourself over and over that you can survive hard things. That being said, when one is living in daily survival mode like this, it’s all too easy to become weighed down by the exhaustion of it all. By a certain point, her emotional responses to threats became almost completely dulled down; she no longer felt much shock or fear or any effects of adrenaline, just “oh, I guess I gotta deal with this new fresh hell now” (which is pretty much what it’s felt like to be alive in the 2020’s, wouldn’t you agree?). And this dulling down of her emotional experience cut both ways; at a certain point on an endless emotional rollercoaster you just stop reacting, even to the fun parts. Her sense of novelty, enthusiasm, or enjoyment towards life became pretty much shot. Her survival was being driven more by habit than by passion; the active desire to keep living was still in there somewhere but had been pushed waaay down by many layers of exhaustion and disillusionment that had built up from the life she’d led.

Oh yeah, and let’s also not forget that she’s an elf! Meaning she’s already been alive over 200 years and has about 500-600 years left if all goes well. Given her life experience so far, her relationship with her long lifespan is a bit complicated; she doesn’t actively want to die, but she has also completely lost track of why she fights so hard to keep living, and as such, the prospect of another 5 to 6 centuries of going through the motions and being exhausted all the time doesn’t fill her with much optimism. But she keeps going anyway. Because we gotta.

And that’s all BEFORE the start of the damn game.

Playthrough #1 (or at least a tiny bit of it)

Remember that cycle I was talking about at the beginning? Life throws a wrench, you scramble, you somehow make it work, repeat? No matter who the Tav is, the plot of this game intrinsically represents that cycle pretty damn well; being abducted by a nautiloid ship and having a mind flayer tadpole forced into your head is a pretty big wrench to be thrown into a person’s life, and boy does Tav ever have to scramble to make things work from there. Firiel initially tries to take the situation in stride, calmly and pragmatically keeping focused on the tasks at hand, just pushing through until it’s over; that’s the way she’s accustomed to living, after all. From there, her experience of the game’s plot can be VERY briefly summarized as follows:

Gotta find a healer. Oh, a healer won’t help? Dammit. Ok. Gotta look for answers at Moonrise Towers, I guess. Oh, it’s a giant Elder Brain being controlled by the Chosen of the Dead Three? It threatens to create an army of mind flayers and take over the sword coast? Fuck. Ok. Someone’s gotta deal with that, guess we will. Oh, on top of all that, Mystra and Shar and Mizora and Cazador and Raphael this suspicious Emperor guy all have opinions and are trying to take advantage of the situation by using and abusing my friends and loved ones in their own plays for power? Causing them immense suffering, making everything harder? As if life wasn’t already hard enough? 

Fuck. That. 

By Act 3, girl has had ENOUGH. She’s more exhausted than ever, this is all way above her pay grade, all these manipulative, abusive, and power-hungry adversaries have her SEETHING… and she kind of snaps. And that creates a whole new set of fresh hells for her to deal with.

Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for part two. We’re gonna talk time loops.

[daresplaining]

"You're crazy, all of you. I'm real, you hear me? As real as anyone." Daredevil vol. 5 #607 by Charles Soule, Phil Noto, and Clayton Cowles

"I don't even know how to say this...I'm not real." Devil's Reign #5 by Chip Zdarsky, Marco Checchetto,  Marcio Menyz, and Clayton Cowles

I touched on this topic in this post, but the thought has been gnawing on my brain since Devil's Reign #5 dropped (in March 2022? Mike has been dead for two years already?! God...) so I'm giving it its own post.

Modern Mike's existence is divided into two clearly delineated states of being: "fragment" (Reader's umbrella term for his creations) and "Real Boy" (Mike's term for himself from the 2020 Annual, though shout-out to the fans who had already been calling him that since 2018). It's a literal transformation, from one form of life to another, but it also spans Mike's character arc and psychological journey: from desperately declaring his realness in Daredevil volume 5 to begrudgingly accepting the nature of his existence at the end of his introductory arc, to taking action and making himself real in Daredevil volume 6. For me, the above scene from #607 was the gut-punch moment that first got me intensely intensely invested in modern Mike, when the depth of his fear and the horror of his situation became clear-- and the emotional resonance of that moment, for me, carried over into the bombshell scene in Devil's Reign #5 when he answered the questions that had been left dangling after he rewrote reality in the 2020 Annual: Did he still remember the previous version of the world? Did he remember what he had done to change it? Did he remember being a "fragment"?

His nervous declaration to Butch-- "I'm not real"-- hits like a truck not just because it is such a risky admission, but also because of how it contextualizes Mike's new reality and what his cosmic rewrite actually changed for him. Which, it would seem, was probably not enough.

Yes, after his trick with the Norn Stone, the gaps in his memories have been filled in. Yes, he now has a birth certificate and a social security number (presumably) and actual friends and family who share actual history with him, and I'm sure that's a tremendous relief. But how much of a solace can it really be, when he still knows that the only reason he has all of those things is because he forced the universe to give them to him? His twin might think they were born together now, but Mike still knows the truth about how he was created, and now he is the only person in the world who does. He has gone from having unique memories of a past that doesn't exist for anyone else to...having unique memories of a past that doesn't exist for anyone else.

Is this new reality that much better than the old one for Mike? If he still knows that he hasn't always been real, does he feel any less like a ghost?

It is very easy to find parallels between Mike being the only person who remembers his time as a "fragment" and Matt, following the Purple Children's mind wipe, being the only person who still knew that he was Daredevil. Matt was stuck with knowledge of a world that once was-- a world in which his identity was public-- and he couldn't handle the sudden total isolation of no one at all sharing his secret, and so decided to tell someone (but just one person; Foggy). Mike's situation was nearly the same. The fear and isolation and vulnerability he'd felt as a fragment was something he had literally bent the universe to escape, but he was still left haunted by the memory of it. We didn't get much of a sense of what was going on in Mike's head in his appearances following the Annual, but I can only imagine that, mixed in with everything else he was feeling in that scene in Devil's Reign #5, he felt some amount of relief sharing the weight of that secret with his best friend. I have to wonder if, had he lived long enough, he would have told anyone else.

[prettyboykatsuki-moved]

Hi!! Just wanted to say I love ur writing so much! Do u have any tips for how to have good flow in dialogue/how to be better at imagery/description? I’m learning fic writing and you’re one of my faves 😊

hello!!! thank you so much!!!!

i have tips for dialogue but imagery description is probably my worst skill as a writer skdjfnskdj so i dont know if i can give you good advice for both.

for writing dialogue.... usually for me i try to make sure the conversation my characters are having makes contextual sense. i think you heard the advice (and i have given the advice) that you want to read your dialogue as a conversation and that is good advice !!!

but i also try to make sure my dialogue works like... with relation to everything else. like your characters can say anything to each other but its more important the framework they're having to say it.

a character like bkg for example can say the word fuck you in pretty much every way. but the situation where he says it as an insult and the situation he says it affectionately are very different and you want to build your dialogue into that.

dialogue is like more about what you are communicate to the readers about the characters than it is what they say to each other. which i know sounds like nonsense dsfjhfsdk but thats usually how it is written in my head at least.

IT FEELS SILLY TO USE MY OWN WRITING RIP. but bear with me i couldnt write an example but ^ this dialogue is from my bachira omegaverse fic. the context is that they're childhood friends who are in mutual love but don't know it.

it seems obvious but i think its easy as a writer to get caught up in wanting the dialogue to be a band-aid and bridge for the characters themselves to connect and that can be true sometimes / with the right build up

but most of the time, you're trying to get an idea across THROUGH the conversations the characters are having. in the context of the story, they're not at a point to talk to each other about their feelings in earnest. but as a writer, i want to get across that they are at a point they feel mutually for each other even if they're both oblivious.

bachiras emphasis on usually and prior to this conversation, readers sarcastic deflecting are what dictate the flow of the conversation. these two characters like each other and you, as the audience, get an understanding of that through what they say and how they say it.

i think writing a conversation gets a lot easier when you keep that in mind. where are your characters now, what are they experiencing, and how is that going to effect things like their tone and honesty? what is the context in which this conversation is being had?

I HOPE THIS HELPS AT ALL.

i would give you advice on imagery but im genuinely so awful at it at least in my opinion so i truly cannot comfortably advise you. but im confident (ish) in my dialogue and i wanted to give you advice that isn't too generic. so sorry if this convoluted KJSDHKJ. i am wishing u the best!!!!!!

[asher-writes]

1, 4, 7, 9, 12, 15

Answering for Ari:

Does your OC have any difficulty distinguishing between love and lust?

No, Ari was always taught distinction for religious reasons; I also think that he knows what love feels like from way back when, but in the novel this is his first time grappling with sexual desire. It catches him off guard that lust is such a strong feeling, and it definitely scares him, even at his age. He can navigate the love - clumsily - but it's desire and sex that he really struggles with.

Does your OC consider themselves to be attractive? Do they put much effort into achieving this?

No, not at all. He doesn't put the most effort in, but he dresses quite nicely by the standards of society in this setting. I think that's more to do with power than attractiveness. It does come up throughout the story that Ari couldn't notice someone hitting on him at all. He does have quite low self-esteem in that sense.

What is the most romantic gesture your OC has ever performed? Alternatively (or additionally), what romantic gesture would they most like to perform?

I mean he takes a bullet for Edward, that's pretty romantic.

If your OC were ever to fill out a Dating Site (or pamphlet or newspaper) profile, then what would they include?

I could imagine it being quite clinical with Ari. His name, his age, that he's an engineer. Someone would have to tell him to also include things he likes, and he would go "...what I like?"

If your OC were in love, how might they recognise this? Or would they be too much in denial?

He doesn't for a long time. He thinks he's ill at first. Someone else has to tell him to put all those symptoms together contextually before it dawns on him.

Is your OC easy to love? If not, then what are the barriers?

It depends on who you ask, I think. If you were to ask Edward if Ari was easy to love he'd say it's the easiest thing in the world. If you asked Neptune, she would have a very different opinion! Ari certainly doesn't think he's easy to love, and he's never been treated as if he's easy to love either.

Do I think he's easy to love? I think Ari was treated as if his own autonomy never mattered, and as an adult that makes him very demand avoidant. He won't take advice, and everything has to be his way or no way. He skirts around his own feelings, and doesn't know how to process joy or sadness.

But he's kind even when he doesn't want to be. He's merciful when he doesn't have to be. He tries hard every day to be a better person. He goes against every trauma response to try and make Edward feel loved. Furthermore, he puts himself in mortal danger to keep his friends and family safe. This entire story starts because his brother - who doesn't like him, and he knows this - asked him for his help, and Ari couldn't stand the thought of leaving him alone to deal with it.

I think the right person can love Ari just fine, it just takes a patience.

--

Thank you so much for the questions!

[wellhalesbells]

hiii! for the ask thing, 5, 16, 18? <3

5: Do you think stories can change lives? Is there a story that has changed yours?

100% to both questions. I know myself better because of both writing and reading. I think stories have the ability to make you feel less alone, to contextualize a thought or series of behaviors that previously felt weird or alien. I have a hard time excavating my own emotions, especially since my preferred way to do everything is logic versus emotion, and works of fiction have definitely helped with that when I identify with what a character would do and have a: 'oh, so that's why I might've handled this that way' moment. It was a book that helped me figure out my sexuality ffs. I had a vague idea of it but reading an asexual character and every single thing they did made so much sense to me and also clarified and crystallized things I hadn't even realized I did (like.... me never being in my own fantasies? Instead them always being fictional characters? Did not even realize that was odd or anything to focus on or even possibly related to being ace, thought it had more to do with how my brain was more interested in imagined scenarios than reality but HUH, PROBABLY SAYS SOMETHING ELSE TOO, NO?). Also there have been plenty of times that I'll be writing and I have to justify why my character behaves/thinks the way they do - which is usually something I would do - and that's the way I figure out my own motivations, which I normally never think to question because why would I? On the writing side of that, sometimes I help other people do that too:

Stories are insight into the human condition, that's the coolest thing about them. You get to know people from all walks of life intimately and feel a connection to humanity you might not have felt previously. The world feels a little more familiar, a little less indecipherable, the more you engage with all kinds of stories.

16: What’s more frustrating: plotholes or OOC characters?

OOC characters. I'm a fanfic writer, I can fill in gaps. I have no problem with that. I can't fix bad foundation. Touching on my answer above, the only books I can't stand are ones where people don't behave like people would.

18: Are you a ‘neatly designed outline’ writer or a ‘fuck it i’ll figure it out as i go’ writer?

Definitely more the latter. I only shift to the former if the latter stops working, and that's usually because it's going to be long and I am going to forget what I was doing. Everything I am writing right now is 100000% a fuck it though.

Writing/Reading meme here.

[imwritingsomething]

03.06.2024

14:14:14

getting an autism diagnosis is a lot like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly

as a caterpillar, you stay too long, others are changing without you. you cant keep up. you wonder when it will be your turn. people are either afraid of you, and come up with reasons to avoid you, or they hold you and infantilize you, youre no longer on your own, but youre not supported and taken care of either.

considering being autistic, and getting officially told youre autistic, puts you in a cocoon. you spend so much time thinking about your past. your future. who you are now. why everything does make sense. how so many things dont make sense. you begin to close off, form a chrysalis to better protect yourself, to wait until youre ready. for, well, everything. you take months, adjusting to the context of your life, realizing why you never quite fit in, realizing why no matter how hard you tried to be normal it was never going to work, why some things seemed so easy for others and so hard for you, why things were so easy for you and so hard for others, replaying every “friendship”, conversation, interaction. every time someone laughed at you. every time someone made you feel worse, without knowing why it was so different for you. then youre angry. angry at the diagnosis. angry from the past. angry that things were not figured out sooner. angry about how you were treated. its worse than the sadness of how you were treated as a kid, its harsher than the sadness of being diagnosed late. the anger hardens you. makes you more firm in your diagnosis. the anger makes you more fierce to protect and care for yourself, to buy more autistic friendly things, to buy more self and sensory friendly things. the anger forces you to respect and care for yourself while you have this burning new energy. 

and then it all stops, and youre laying there, with everything. information, old and new. experiences from times past, questions about your future experiences. youre tired. still from all your questions, your fears, your worries and wonders. there you are. in your self made chrysalis. should you have even bothered getting a diagnosis. who are you now? 

youre tired. youre burnt out, from all of your life, pushing to keep going like everyone else was. youre tired from pretending. youre tired of fighting. you need the rest. you take time, and you just, sit with yourself, your experiences. you sleep and wake up, days passing. youre tired of learning about yourself, about all your horrible and different experiences being re-contextualized.

why fight it. it was so clear to everyone else that you were different. and now you have your answer. so why arent you satisfied. will you ever be satisfied?  

but you can only question yourself for so long, pushing back at yourself, hurting yourself further by burying yourself in painful memories and self-antagonizing questions. so you decide to give up, wallow in the change in your life, until you realize, there is no change. the change is you learning how to support and care for yourself. the change is that you know what to do now, at least some of the times. the change is you can use resources, friends, online communities, books. theres tools now to help you, and they're all out there. so you decide to research, and look further into what helps you specifically, learning more about your own needs. you take the time to learn about and care for yourself. and that makes you feel better. being able to care for yourself, properly this time, is huge. you now have protective gear, and when you go out and see things related to your specific interests you no longer put yourself down for liking them, but feel confident in your choices and embrace who you are. before you know it, the chrysalis is breaking, and youre coming out as a butterfly.

a butterfly who designed its own wings.

you've changed. but you took your time.

you're not quite confident in what the future holds, but you know that you have better tools and understanding for and of yourself.

maybe you're not ready to fly, but you know you can now.

[avaisnerdytoo]

5YL Ep7 Motion Comic:

Some quick thoughts from the episode in which I found tons of affinity on. (Link to watch at the bottom of this thingy).

-

This episode presents a dilemma which I personally have a bit of personal fascination on. If you have a character that is all powerful, should they, or should they not ascend to godhood?

There are 3 characters I love in this world, Flash, Iron-Man (with less direct comparison in this instance), and Ben, all 3 possess the means to shape the world as they like, to exert some kind of weight onto everything else which only they can lift.

Granted Ben, through Alien X far exceeds my other two examples, but the question remains similarly.

If all 3 of these characters are heroes, shouldn't they take the reigns of the world?

Surely their judgment would spare us all, they have their hearts on the right place!

I hadn't typed this out publicly before, but dorky me actually likes to imagine many stories, including ones were my OC has some kind of access to significant power, as a fun wild card in my own stories.

Part of the fun of stories however, are challenges, and in my own, I try to maintain a sense of realism, although in such cases, I do often think to myself...

If I were in that situation, it would be seriously tempting to pull that kind of card, even if for something simple...

"Oh, character is stuck in the past with no way home except a tedious process of gathering all the resources to make a time machine to head back? Why not skip it and pull the Alien X card - or whatever OP thing for whatever example - and literally just go back home?

You were going to do it anyway... In this example the character has the knowledge to fix the problem, they simply made it easy on themselves, the faster they get back home the faster they get back to helping right? They don't have to use Alien X/OP Thing to solve the problem back home, they simply used him to return.

And as small excuses begin becoming bigger, slowly there are less reasons not to use him for everything."

I like Ben calling out "Life" as a good reason not to go through with using Alien X. That level of responsibility exceeds anything anyone should ever carry, as humans I mean. Not to mention the complete loss of reality to everyone else, would things even be "happening" at that point?

Kuro once said that he likes Ben not using him even without any deadlocks as it shows a massive sign of mental fortitude, every time he uses another transformation, he is choosing to be better.

And as contextualized in the comic, as a sign of respect for the symbol of the watch.

One head canon I like to play with is the idea that, "if Ben has full control of Alien X, perhaps as time went on he also acquires all the omnipresence that comes with it, as Belicus and Serena practically aren't involved at all, he could, like Dr. Manhattan, see it all, the whole universe as a static picture, only he doesn't retain the knowledge because it would be too much to handle".

To be honest, I always wondered how other characters would react to Ben having to full control of Alien X, true free control. Previously, they all understood the hassle that would be the arguments needed to make him work, but now?

The Hero of Heroes has always shown excellent judgment, he clearly can be trusted, why not get ahead?

Rook logically supporting the suggestion, or Kevin not understanding why freeing others of pain wouldn't be the instant choice feels right in character for me. And if I were not Ben, but alongside him, I would also feel some degree of pressure to wanting him to spare us all of anything further.

It should be evident by now that I haven't read the rest of the comic, I was actually doing so, and then I kinda dropped it haha, not out of distaste though, far from it hahaha.

I'll definitely get back into reading though, this is absolutely amazing.

Watch 5YL EP7 : The Ink Tank on YouTube

Read 5YL : The Ink Tank Website with multiple reading options.

[aparticularbandit]

So I clarified something in the second draft of OAEI.

I have realized that this, in fact, changes Kyoko's motivations - in small part - in OAFC.

It's not really save Junko from dying, because in a sense, Junko is already dead.

It's Ryoko is someone who can be formed into almost anything by the people who have her. As she regains her memories, she could become Junko again (which is point neutral). But she could also become something - or someone - entirely different.

Because Ryoko from the outset is already different. Kyoko divorced of her memories is always still Kyoko. Junko divorced of her memories isn't Junko; she's Ryoko. Kyoko divorced of her memories will still be Kyoko because her identity isn't in her memories or what she's already done but in the Talent she has and how she uses it. Divorced of everything else, Kyoko is still Detective and always will be. She will never stop searching for the truth.

Junko - as an identity - is carefully crafted from Ryoko's lived in experiences and decisions. She's not an inate, natural identity. She's an identity born of nurture as opposed to Kyoko's identity born of nature.

Whoever controls Ryoko controls who she becomes.

Even as she regains the memories that made her Junko, the person controlling Ryoko decides how she views those memories, how she contextualizes them. We know from DR0 that Ryoko, without context, would hate Junko and what she is doing. She does not like despair. She's not cool with all the murder. She just wants to be in a romance with Matsuda - and Matsuda tried to control those memories, tried to make her stay exactly as she is, and failed because Junko's narrative (and hope, for lack of a better term) overpowered his.

Whoever controls Ryoko controls what she might become, and that could be Junko again or it could be something worse than Junko or it could be something better. Or it could be all of - or none of - the above.

Kyoko wasn't part of this plan and didn't want this plan and doesn't like this plan but it's the plan she's found herself in and she has to live with it now.

That should be Kyoko's arc in OAFC, and that's how I should clarify it.