#it's so weird being aware that I'm doing so well in many regards

[emometalhead]

.

[vadlings]

Represention of Autistic Frustration in Laios Dungeon Meshi

Like many other autistic people, I related strongly to Laios Touden while reading Dungeon Meshi. This post isn't going to spend time disputing whether he displays autistic traits or not—while I could do that, I want to focus on why specifically his portrayal struck a chord with me in a way the writing of most other autistic-coded characters has not.

Disclaimer: as the above suggests, this post is strongly informed by my own experiences as an autistic person, as well as the experiences of my neurodivergent friends with whom I have spoken about this subject. I want to clarify that in no way am I asserting my personal experience to be some Universal Autistic Experience. This post is about why Laios' character feels distinct and significant to me in regard to autistic representation, and while I'm at it, I do feel that I have interesting things to say about autistic representation in media generally. This also got a bit long, so I'm sticking it under a read more. Spoilers for up to the end of chapter 88 below.

The thing that stands out most to me in regard to Laios' characterisation is the open anger he displays when someone points out his inability to read other people. This comes up prominently in his interactions with "Shuro" (Toshiro Nakamoto):

The frustration pictured above (Laios continuing to physically tussle with Toshiro, using crude language toward him) becomes even more notable when you remember that this is Laios, who, outside of these interactions, is not easily fazed and often exists as a lighthearted contrast to the rest of the cast. Then we get to Laios' nightmare.

In Falin's words: "Nightmares love emotional wounds. Wounds you hold in your heart. Things that give you stress, or things that were traumatic for you. They aggravate memories like that and cause the dreamer to have terrible dreams." (chapter 42, page 10.) (damn. i'm properly citing for this post and everything.)

Thus, Laios' nightmare establishes an important fact: even if he is unable to recognise social blunders while he's making them, he's at least subconsciously aware that other people operate on a different wavelength to him, and that he's an outsider in many of his social circles (both past and present). His dream-father's disparaging words stress the impact this has had upon his ability to live up to the expectations set out for him, and we also get a panel of kids who smirk at him (presumably former bullies to some degree). Toshiro's appearance only hammers home how much Laios is still both humiliated and angered by his misunderstanding of their relationship.

I've thought a lot about anger as concomitant to the autistic experience. When autistic representation portrays ostracization, it's generally from an angle of the autistic character being upset at how conforming to neurotypical norms doesn't come easily to them; as a result, they express a desire to 'get better' at meeting neurotypical standards, a desire to become more 'normal' (whether the writing implies this is a good thing or not). In contrast, not once does Laios go, "I need to perform better in my social interactions, and try to care less about monsters, because that's what other people find weird." His frustration is directed outward rather than inward, and as a result, it's the people around him who are framed as nonsensical.

The Winged Lion starts delineating Laios' anger, and Laios' reaction is to think to himself, "It can sense all my thoughts, huh?" (chapter 88, page 16.) This is the scene that really resonated with me. I'm not saying I have never felt the desire to conform to neurotypical norms that is borne from insecurity, but primarily, I know that I don't want to work toward becoming 'normal'—I don't want to change myself for people who follow rules I find nonsensical. It's the difference between, "Oh god, why can't I get it," and, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT?" (phrasing here courtesy of my friend Miles @dogwoodbite). And for me personally, Dungeon Meshi is the first time I've seen this frustration and the resultant voluntary isolation from other people portrayed in media so candidly. Laios' anger is not downplayed or written to be easily palatable, either.

The culmination of Laios' frustrations in this scene wherein we learn that Laios has fantasised about "a pack of monsters attacking a village" drives home just how alienated he really feels. I need not go into his wish to become a monster himself, redolent of how many autistic people identify/have identified with non-humans to some degree as a result of a percieved disconnect from society (when I was younger, I wanted to be a robot. I still kind of do.)

Obviously, wishing death upon other people is a weighty thing, but the unfiltered nature of this page is what deeply resonated with me. The Winged Lion is laying Laios' deepest and most transgressive desires bare, and they are desires that are a product of lifelong ostracization by others (whether intentional or unintentional). This is the brand of anger I'm familiar with, and that my neurodivergent friends express being familiar with, but that I haven't seen portrayed in writing so explicitly before—in fact, it surprised me because most well-meaning autistic representation I've experienced veers toward infantilisation in trying make the autistic character's struggles easy for neurotypicals to sympathise with.

Let's also not neglect the symbolism inherent to Laios' daydream. "A pack of monsters attacking a village". Functionally, monsters are Laios' special interest—he percieves everything first and foremost through his passion for monsters. His daydream of monsters attacking—killing—humans, is fundamentally a daydream of the world he understands (monsters) overthrowing the world that is so illogical to him, that has repeatedly shunned him (other people). I joked to my friends that it's an autistic power fantasy, and it actually sort of is. And in it, his identity is aligned with that of the monsters, while his anger manifests in a palpable dissociation from the rest of humanity. This is one manga page. It's brief. It's also very, very raw to me. I think about it often.

To conclude, I love Laios Dungeon Meshi. This portrayal of open frustration in an autistic character meant a lot to me, and I hope I've sufficiently outlined why. Also, feel free to recommend media with autistic representation in the notes if you've read this far—I would really like to see if there is more of this nature. Thank you for reading. I'm very tired and should probably sleep now.

[brutalcritical]

Egg Route (Deltarune Theory Effortpost)

Image by @jojoton56

So the forgotten man, the semi-official name for the guy who hides behind trees and gives you eggs, is given some pretty interesting context regarding our playable character, Kris. This implies he (the forgotten man) is tied to some repressed trauma (most pronounced in the art therapy room of chapter 4), possibly violent in some nature (as alluded to by a line by the holder of the shadow mantle as well as one of the fellow patients in said art therapy room). While I'll only bring up the specifics here briefly, there's still the ultimate question of what this is all leading towards?

Well, three interesting facts could hint that the forgotten man is key to another alternative route, like the weird route, but in a (possibly?) more positive direction than grooming Noelle into a cryomantic death machine.

As noted in the above image, you don't get the "Chapter X END" achievements if you get the respective eggs of those chapters. Its even required if you want to do a run where you don't get any achivements from chapters 1-4 (promting special dialouge from the Voice). This is odd since said voice never brings up the weird route in a similar way, despite its effects on the plot being more obvious so far.

During chapter 2's weird route, you just cannot get to the egg room for the chapter at all. Which is strange unless the eggs are for their own route or something. Similarly, if you finish the sword route (which references the weird route) before getting the tripp ticket, you're locked out of the egg room for that chapter (granted, if you get the egg by the time you start board 3 this is a non-issue).

In speaking of chapter 3's sword route, if board 2 is meant to be at least partly taken as a hint towards the weird route (though it might not be its only purpose, as I theorised elsewhere), then there's an obvious paralele to be made with the schedule that the forgotten man gives (which hints at the locations of the other egg rooms of chapters 1, 2, 4, and 5).

Now, what this route entails, I have no idea. With the eggs being deemed "not too important, not too unimportant" and completely lacking any of the interactions we can have with them in chapter 4 that we did in chapters 1 and 2, I suspect the eggs themselves serve more of a counter for how many of the forgotten man rooms you've completed.

However, when talking to Malius in chapter 4, they reveal they have been trying their hand at breadmaking but haven't been very successful due to gluten intolerance, hindering their progress towards new recipes. Since eggs can be used to make bread, i could see us using these 5 eggs to make a cake or some shit for everyone to eat and then start tripping on kris's truamatic memeory lane. More of an out there idea that i'm not commited to.

Now for the general plot beats of the egg route. For one, we are going to discover the root cause of Kris's trauma that they are repressing (either involving Dess and what happened to her, Gaster, Kris's pre-adoption past, or a combination of the three), and we help Kris overcome that trauma. With Noelle likely making her second dark world appearance in chapter 5 (where we will get our last egg), i can also see a scene where we help Noelle overcome her truama.

A very likely consequence of this is Kris coming clean with whatever scheme they've been cooking up to this point, especially if the aforementioned repressed trauma has some connection to Dess and why Kris is working with the knight. At this point, Susie will be aware of Dess's fate and how this ties to Kris working with the knight to bring about the roaring. Whether the knight is Carol and wants to bring her daughter back, or the Knight is Dess and is forced to bring about the roaring for one reason or another, Susie is aware that the knight is more than just some bad guy who wants to bring about Armageddon.

Susie (and probably Noelle) will start crashing about Kris working with the knight (especially if Kris Slash theory is true and you did the sword route by this point), but everyobdy will calm down and the fun gang (and noelle) will have the shared goal of saving Dess or something and will probably have a vague awareness of there being a puppetmaster behind the knight's strings.

At the end of chapter 5, if you did the egg route, Gaster will just crash out on you for getting all 5 eggs or something idk.

[pearl-nouveau]

A Woman's Purpose - Cregan Stark x Reader [chapter three]

summary: After a sudden betrothal, you consider what a future in Winterfell may look like.

warnings: smut, oral (fem receiving durr), referenced baela x jace, slight timeline alterations

a/n: i feel weird writing smut even though i am an adult and i was writing UNGODLY things as a sixteen-year-old virgin half a decade ago. lmk if you enjoy because i don't have anything else written so if i'm going to keep writing i want to know that it's going to be read!

Cregan wasted no time trying to get me accustomed to Winterfell. As we entered the gates, he led me through with a protective hand on my back, steering me towards the stables first. He introduced me to his horse, Stormfighter, and I smiled at his excitement over the creature. It reminded me of my feelings about Vermithor. 

"You shall have as many horses as you wish," he told me, "perhaps a cream-colored one would pair well with mine. But I suppose you already have a dragon."

"Yes, Vermithor is a good form of transportation. I find horses rather slow now."

He laughed. "I shall build a dragonpit for Vermithor, if you wish it."

I smiled gently. He was so eager to please me. "He is much too big, I'm afraid. He will have to find a nest outside like Aemond's dragon, Vhagar."

"Ah. Not as easy as having a small dragon like your brother's, but perhaps more impressive."

"Vermithor's wingspan creates shadows over entire towns." I knew I was boasting, but Cregan's eyes widened with approval nevertheless. 

"Impressive indeed."

He took me within the palace walls, through warm hallways and into a communal dining hall where Stark bannermen laughed together merrily. One of them noticed Cregan enter, and the group regarded him with respectful My Lord's. I observed a few kitchen girls gossiping by the fire, unafraid of their Lord's presence. It pleased me to think that my future husband was a welcome presence to the people who worked beneath him. The tranquility of the scene put my mind at ease.

"I know Winterfell is less grand than you are used to," he admitted wearily, "but I will do anything to ensure your comfort here."

"You are Warden of the North and take care of your people with ease and no complaint," I turned to him, "there is no greater comfort to me than a Lord husband with a gentle heart."

"Lord husband?"

Jacaerys' voice startles you. He has crept up behind the two of you, and you are suddenly aware of the weight of Cregan's hand still on your lower back.

"Jace," I flushed, "we... I..." 

The words were lost in my mouth, but before me stood my brother, and words were not necessary. He smiled at me and I returned the grin knowing that he understood what had come to pass. He brought me in for a hug. 

"Congratulations," he told me, pulling back and kissing my head. He moved to Cregan and, to my surprise, brought him in for a hug as well. "Brother." he said happily. 

"Thank you, my prince." Cregan stood tall in front of him, pride radiating from him. "We will have a celebratory dinner tonight in the great hall."

"I shall send a raven to my mother." Jace said this with a smile and walked off, but I watched Cregan's expression darken. 

"What is it, qēlos?" I touched his face without thinking. He leaned into my fingertips.

"I realized I never asked your mother permission for your hand," he said, "I was so caught up in the thrill of being yours that..."

"It matters not, it was always my choice." I said firmly. I could tell it still bothered him. "What can I do to make it better?" He thought for a moment. 

"Allow me to come with you to Dragonstone, at the appropriate time. Let me meet the queen and pledge myself to her and you in person. And then..." he trailed off, as if afraid to overstep.

"Yes?"

"I hoped we could have a ceremony in the traditions of House Targaryen. Bind ourselves to one another by blood. If it pleases you."

For him to think of my house and my culture and not only his own made me awash with emotion. 

"It does please me." I whispered, placing a sweet kiss to his lips. He pulled back.

"What did that word mean?" My brows furrowed at his question. 

"What word?"

"The one you said earlier, qua, queh..." 

"Qēlos." I told him. "It means star." 

He hummed and repeated the word under his breath. 

I sought some alone time with Jace so we could talk before my betrothal to Cregan was announced at dinner. I found him in the library of Winterfell, flipping through an old history book. He looked up as I came in. 

"Sister," he greeted, "the Maester suggested I read up on the history of our houses' relationships with one another. That is, the Targaryens and the Starks."

"I hope it's good." 

He smiled. "Even if it wasn't, this marriage would surely do the trick." He stood up, removing his focus from the book below him. "Cregan is a powerful man, little dragon. In many ways. He commands a population that our ancestors have found very hard to control in the past. The North is loyal not to their Warden, but to their Lord Stark. His involvement could mean victory for mother."

I scoffed, suddenly annoyed. I was newly engaged and he could still only talk politics. "Well, what do you suggest I do? Suck his cock every time mother wants a thousand men? I won't be her pawn, I am going to be the Lady of Winterfell."

"I only mean that you now sit beside one of our most important fighters. I... I suppose I don't know what I meant telling you that. I just mean that it pleases me to see you with such an accomplished man. And... I like Cregan. He is good, and you deserve a good man."

"I did worry, at first, that he only asked for my hand because mother sought something from him. But he asked for my hand all those years ago, in a letter he sent me after his time in King's Landing."

"What? Why did you never respond?"

I flushed. "I never opened the letter."

Jace began to cackle. "You're a fool, sister." 

"I know." I snapped at him, slapping his shoulder. I sat down in a chair across the table from him, prompting him to sit as well. "I don't think I would have said yes if I had, though."

"Why not?"

I sighed. "I was not ready, and I knew not what he wanted from me."

"What does he want from you?" Jace was prodding, and I was letting it happen. I looked down at my hands.

"Everything. My heart and soul. I haven't been ready to give it. I have been too afraid that I would give it to the wrong person, or they would capture it and I would never be free again. But I feel free with him. He wants nothing from me, but to love me. And I know if I ask for my soul back, he will give it to me. But I want him to have it. I trust him."

A tear shot down my cheek, taking me by surprise. I didn't realize I had started crying. Jace was still smiling at me. I loved when he smiled, and I had the feeling it would only become more rare. So I returned it, and we were happy together for a moment. 

"When will you wed?" He asked curiously. 

"I have no idea. But Cregan has asked to visit mother in Dragonstone and have a ceremony of her house there."

"That will please her greatly."

I nodded. "Part of me wants it to be slow, so that I can ease into being married. But part of me cannot wait another day. Part of me just wants to be near him, close to him, always." I blushed, realizing what I was insinuating. But Jacaerys was nodding in agreement. 

"You know, you can wait as long as you want. You don't have to wait for the rest, not really."

"What?" I sputtered. He so casually and simply dismantled a norm that had been thrust at us our entire lives. More specifically, me. 

"No one really knows what happens behind closed doors." He shrugged.

"Oh hush, Jace, you only say that because you are a man." I bit.

His face reddened. "Very well, but you have never heard me presume to say that a woman's virtue is ruined alongside her maidenhood."

"Only old men still believe that."

"Exactly. Look, I know how much of a change this is from what you convinced yourself you always wanted. Take a few moons to settle in before you marry him. If anything happens naturally between you two in that period... so be it. You are to be married anyhow."

I was amused by his candor. "My brother, the wildling." I teased. "Tell me, was this enlightened opinion developed when our depraved uncle took you to a brothel when you were ten and three?"

He rolled his eyes. "You know very well I was a child deathly frightened of women, and bedding brothel wenches is different than making love to your betrothed."

It clicked for me. "You mean to tell me that you and Baela..."

He looked at his lap, equally flustered and self-satisfied. As much as it irked me to think of my brother in bed with someone, I found his admission heartwarming. After our grandsire's death, Dragonstone had been dreary and tense. We all walked the halls knowing that our days were numbered. To be unwilling to wait to be with the one you love when each day could be your last - it was romantic. 

"Jace," I grinned at him. I kicked him under the table. "How? I mean, when?"

"Before grandsire died," he admitted, "We just... got caught up in the moment. But I don't regret it. Life is too short."He reached out across the table and playfully pressed his knuckles against my cheek in a faux-punch. "If you are choosing to be free, be free. We may be called into battle on the morrow."

I left our conversation feeling validated in a way I hadn't realized I needed to be. It made me want only one thing: to find my husband-to-be.

I found Cregan in the highest room of a round tower to walk to dinner together. He answered the door and I could tell he had been working from the papers strewn upon his desk. The room was set up as an office, with a small straw mattress in the corner. I guessed that he found himself sleeping here when overwhelmed with work. 

"My beautiful wife," he greeted me, "almost. Come in." 

He brought me in, sitting me in a cushioned chair across from his desk and leaning against that to observe me. I spoke. "I wanted to discuss the wedding. I was not sure how long you wanted our engagement to last, and I wondered how soon before we are married." 

"I had not thought to discuss the details without you," he said, "you are, after all, meant to be in attendance as well."

His words always comforted me, and were always accompanied by a soft smile that I had only seen him give to me. "If it is alright, my Lord, I hoped to wait a few moons before we are wed. I suppose I have not yet come to terms with the reality of saying the vows." 

"We can wait as many moons as you like, little dove. Years, if it is your wish."

I smiled up at him. "You are so easy. You truly have no quarrels?"

"Not if it would go against my Lady's desires." I stood. Our chests were inches apart. I could feel his hot breath on my face.

"There is nothing that you cannot wait for?"

He shuddered. His jaw tightened as if he were in pain. Suddenly, the unbreakable man had a crack running through his thick skin. I ran my fingers up his furs and toyed with the clasp, which carried the Stark sigil. I unclipped it slowly and his cloak fell to the floor. 

"You don't have to wait to touch me," I told him. His eyes were burning holes through mine, darting every other breath to my lips. He bit his lip. 

"I will not sully you, my princess," he said in a low voice. "I am an honorable man."

"And I am an honorable woman," I said firmly. "Therefore we do not dishonor each other."

"Your arithmetic is very confusing, my love."

"But it is correct."

He kissed me with a heat that his kisses had never held before. It was as if now I had given him permission to want me, he could no longer pretend he didn't. His hands roamed up my back, unclasping my cloak and moving to tangle in my hair. Teeth clashed against each other in a dance that we were both leading. One of his large hands came to rest at the base of my throat, then ran lower through the column of my breasts and then he finally moved to cup one. I gasped at the feeling of his fingers kneading at my flesh, slowing down when grazing over my nipple. He stopped kissing me only to flip us and place me on the desk, slotting his hips between my legs. I squealed as he pressed them open, the fabric of my dress falling between my thighs, but he quickly bunched it and moved my dress up past my hips. He smiled at the sight of my smallclothes. 

"I'll have you naked in my bed soon," he grumbled, "but for now, I won't ruin the surprise. I will just give you a taste of the pleasure you shall have for the rest of your life."

His words made me whimper. He kneeled down in front of me, and a surge of embarrassment made me close my eyes as he grasped my undergarments and slid them down my legs. He must have noticed, because no more touches came after I was bare. I opened my eyes to his gaze. 

"I want you to watch me please you," he said gently, more a request than a command. He kissed the inside of my thigh. My hip bone. Slowly, he grew closer to my center, keeping eye contact with me until his mouth connected with my core. 

Oh. 

So this was why people could not wait until after their marriage vows. 

I gasped so loudly that he stopped for a moment until I gently grasped his hair and guided him back to where he was. I could feel him smiling down there and I almost laughed with joy. His tongue danced beautiful choreography against my cunt, expertly drawing pleasure from my body in a way I could never have imagined.

"Cregan... fuck, oh, yes," I could no longer control words from spilling from my mouth. He slowly stroked a finger at my entrance, looking back up at me to ask for permission as he gently prodded at my hole. I nodded and then moaned as his finger intruded me, and if I wasn't mistaken I could have sworn I heard him let out a moan as if it were his own cock that had penetrated me. 

He continued to eat me like a starved man and with the addition of his finger slowly curling inside of me, I knew that something was about to explode within me. My stomach was tightening, my legs shaking and trying to clamp shut against Cregan's head. He fought against them with ease, pressing me further open and leaning into his meal, lapping it up like a wolf feasting on prey. He could feel my peak approaching and his tongue began to focus on my pearl, suckling and kissing the bud with tender care. 

It was too much. My moans had morphed into screams of pleasure, and my hands were yanking at his hair so hard I had no idea how he wasn't hurt. With a few more well-placed licks against my pussy, I could feel myself at the edge.

"Cregan..." I could barely breathe, barely speak. "I'm-I'm-so, so close," I keened. 

"You're perfect," he mumbled against me, "can't believe this is all mine." He dove back in on a mission and I began to fall.

"Oh, oh, yes..." I could only sigh as the tension snapped and a jolt ran through my body. It was electric, and Cregan held my body tightly as it shuddered. He stood slowly, caressing my legs as he did, and removing a handkerchief from his pocket, which he gently ran through my folds. I gasped, sensitive from my orgasm, grasping at his forearm. He only hushed me and kissed my brow. He moved my dress back down to protect my modesty, and picked my undergarments off the floor. 

"I'll keep these as a reminder of the first of many times I ate my wife's cunt," he said, shoving them into his pocket. He picked me up from the desk and set me down in front of him. "How was that? Are you alright?"

I put my arms around his neck. "I have literally never been better."

“I am glad.” He said. He kissed me slowly, his arms absentmindedly running across every plane of my back, mapping the new terrain. "You are..." He looked at me the way people usually looked at me before calling me beautiful. But he said nothing. He only placed a peck on my forehead and fetched our cloaks from the floor, reclasping mine first and then his own.

"I am what?" I asked, now curious.

Cregan shrugged, leading me towards the door. "There isn't a word to describe it."

The silent walk that we took to the great hall was not awkward, but pensive. I liked the feeling of my arm wrapped around his underneath the cloaks. He always pulled me to his side, so he could feel the fabric of our clothes brushing together as we walked. Every few steps I could see him look down at me out of my peripheral vision. At one such time, I caught his gaze and we smiled at each other. He licked his lips slightly, and it reminded me that those same lips had so recently between my legs, and I blushed, my gaze falling to my feet.

"Thinking of something, dove?" He smirked. 

"Just those lips of yours," I reached up and brushed his bottom one with my fingertip. "You've been blessed with a talented mouth."

"I am at your service, forever." He said seriously.

Forever. It seemed an easy enough thing to imagine with Cregan. He felt safe, he was devoted to me. He said he loved me. Could it be that easy? Just to give in to his love? It was tempting, but I sought clarity. What made him love, and why had he found it with me? What if I suddenly stopped doing the thing he loved? The darkest part of my heart told me that as we aged and my beauty faded, his interest in me would falter. 

"Now you surely aren't thinking of me between your legs," he observed, "because you are frowning."

"Just wondering."

"About?"

I sighed. "Do you believe that love fades?"

"Sometimes." He said. His definitive answer stumped me and I could feel a flare of anger arise from it.

"Well, then," I hummed passive-aggressively. It was unbecoming, I knew, especially since I was trying to ascertain that he would not grow tired of my antics and regret our union. Instead of arguing, he chuckled. 

"Why do you speak in riddles? Ask me what I know you have been wondering. I may be a dull Northerner but I am not dimwitted." 

Even in humbling me he was gentle, his voice laced with amusement, as if any complaint I may have could be fixed as simply as commanding him. 

"Why do you love me? I... I am afraid that whatever it is will fade, and you will grow tired of me. And..."

"And?"

"Forgive me."

"What?"

I felt hot tears behind my eyes but I clenched my teeth until they retreated. "Will I forever be your second wife? Not the mother of your children, either, only a... replacement? I'm sorry, my Lord, I should not target your late wife with my own insecurities."

He had stopped us in the hallway, boxing me against the wall and listening intently. Cregan drank every word I said up like honey. After I finished, his palm found my face and I saw the emotions swimming behind his eyes. I regretted terribly the possibility that I may have reopened past wounds.

"I believe love can fade sometimes, in the way that it has for my late wife." He sighed. "Her name was Arra. We were friends in childhood. When my parents suggested our union, her familiarity comforted me. I think that is what I loved about her. She was like home, like being a boy again. But I am no longer a boy." He took my hands. "I will miss Arra until the day I die because she was my friend and bore me a babe. But I did not choose her, and you have been my only thought since the moment I met you. In years of not hearing from you, not knowing if you would ever allow me to become close to you, I still loved you. Every night memories of your wit and bravery haunted me. Fuck, girl, you ruined me for any other woman. The thought of anyone else, for all those moons, was unthinkable. You could not fade from my heart if I tried to pluck you out with a knife."

I hadn't anything to say. 

So I said, "I love you."

[bigskydreaming]

@hood-ex

Now I'm headcanoning that Dick calls Bruce "B" because when he was a kid he was like okay I don't feel good calling him Dad because that makes me feel like I'm betraying my original Dad but also I don't want to call him Bruce because it feels weird to call your dad by his name and I mean, he's my dad pretty much even if nobody else says so or if its official or whatever - I KNOW. I'll call him B and yeah everyone THINKS that's short for Bruce but I know its actually short for BATMAN and so I'm not calling him Dad OR Bruce and thus I don't have to internally resolve that issue ever, huzzah, I have cut through the tangled Gordian Knot of my Filial Loyalties. I now have emotional plausible deniability! Nailed it!

Dick Grayson: Well I inherited my looks and acrobatic skills from my first dad and obviously can't inherit anything like that from my second, so to keep things fair, I'm gonna copy Dad #2's emotional intimacy issues which is basically like inheriting traits, its close enough. It counts. Of course, I obviously gotta disguise having inherited/copied his emotional intimacy issues because otherwise everyone will know that I've done that and why, which would defeat the whole point of having emotional plausible deniability. Look, I've thought this through. I've figured things out.

He confesses this to Donna or Kory or Roy at some point - or alludes to it while concussed, the more likely scenario - and they just look at him and are like yup, you are your father's son. And he goes all shyly pleased because Dick not so secretly loves when people reference or acknowledge his paternal relations in a way that doesn't invalidate having another father but also leaves no doubt which father they're referring to. Because that saves him having to do the emotional gymnastics of WANTING to see something as an acknowledgment of his connection to one without feeling like him having this want is in some way a betrayal of the other.

(Dick Grayson has never been more emotionally well-adjusted than Bruce, lmao, this guy puts the I in Issues as in I Have Them, and its not even the issues that he's inherited/copied from Bruce or arose from their own dynamic or Bruce's parenting, he's got his own from his own trauma and the ways it DOESN'T correspond exactly to Bruce's....the abandonment issues and fears/insecurities about stability and his place in the world or society, etc.

So its never been that Dick is more adept at navigating complex emotional dynamics than Bruce, despite their very different reputations in this regard - IMO at least - its more that Dick more often has occasions where he digs in and does the work to navigate messy emotional dynamics or relationships in order to make things work or resolve shit. But this isn't because its any easier for him than Bruce, its because compared to Bruce, Dick feels less secure in his relationships or in the likelihood that people will come to him or that he'll be okay if they leave or things fall apart....so he feels more incentive to fix things or at least slap duct tape wherever possible in order to shore up breaches in his relationships.

Bruce on the other hand has always felt less drive/incentive to NEED to do this, because as much as he may want to, he has an awareness of "if things fall apart, life will go on" to fall back on. While I don't believe he actually LIKES being alone, he's been alone many times in his life and there's no association for him that alone = not being safe, having his actual needs attended to or secured, etc. He knows he can survive being alone, its not as fearsome a specter for him as it is for Dick, who grew up in a big, happy communal environment and more often than not only seeks solitude to punish himself, but doesn't actually do well in solitary environments.

Which in turn all loops me back to my big issue with Bruce and his dynamics with his kids being that while I concede how and why managing his messy and complex emotional relationships isn't easy for him and doesn't come naturally, I'll never accept that he CAN'T do the work and make them better for himself and his loved ones. Dick is the proof. Because if Dick - who isn't actually any more naturally predisposed to navigate those things, just more naturally predisposed to know/understand that he wants and needs them - can buckle down and make it happen at least some of the time, his father is at least as capable of doing the same. He just more often than not DOESN'T.....in no small part because he's grown to expect and rely on Dick doing it so he doesn't have to.

Course, here I have to acknowledge the variable that is: these are fictional characters and they can only do what their writers write them doing. And so a huge part of this issue is that canon writers are too enamored of their Stoic Man-Who-Thinks-He's-An-Island Power Fantasy and his Emotional Support Son TO mess with this dynamic too much, and so there's no incentive on THEIR part to write Bruce taking the initiative here. And from their perspective, using Dick Grayson to resolve any narrative issues that may arise from Bruce anointing himself the Patron Saint of Dads Who See Their Families Falling Apart and Go Pick Up Another Hobby continues to yield dividends, so why alter a winning recipe, y'know?

And then of course, this all funnels into my frequent rants about how if fanfic is so transformative, why not more transformations of this dynamic since the only thing really stopping Bruce from being written as the Fixer in these issues is canon writers not WANTING him to be. And thus there's literally not anything holding more writers back from having Bruce be the one to actually change and grow and do the work to be the actual parent to his kids other than a) not wanting him to do any of that either or b) the normalization of lowered expectations/responsibilities for Bruce-as-the-actual-parent due to canon repeatedly beating us over the head with the precedent of actually its fine if he never grows even a single size in Parental Accountability, his kids will pick up the slack, that's their job as the supporting cast for him, the franchise epicenter).

[pritong-baboy]

Hi hi, I really love your Evilshockdad au, I really like your wires and cloth fic even though I don't understand half of it (I try to read but my brain loves blanking out on me), and I really like father figure type characters in many forms

so like, I wanna do a weird little rant thing that might accidentally blend my own headcanons with your interpretation of Shockwave (It might be confusing because I can't organize my thoughts well and it comes out as word vomit) So like Shockwave is an interesting character, he's, in most continuities, he is character that exhibits little emotion, he is regarded as a cold logical person, but for me the Shockwave in the TFA series he seems to be a little more emotional, and I like how you do his obsession, for me it's like he's addicted to the idea of Bumblebee, or at least the idea of Bumblebee being his child, it became so deeply rooted that it turned into obsession And Bumblebee, before he knew anything, well I'd like to think he didn't exactly have many friends outside of Bulkhead, so, a young impressionable bot, and a mech who Bumblebee probably thought was like cool, mix together, well that's gonna cause things. Now for the 'present' Bumblebee, now that he knows that Longarm is Shockwave (Am I misremembering?), he probably felt a little betrayed, but maybe didn't explore how he felt because he was probably pre-occupied with stuff, but when he knows that Shockwave was like, obsessed with him, that's gotta freak him out a bit, I wouldn't blame him if he got a little paranoid Also (I'm sorry if I'm stating things that have already been said or clarified), if let's say the others knew about it like somewhat kind of early on (idk what timeline i'm putting this in but I'd say they're on earth), like, how would they feel about that? I can only visualize how Sari feels, she'd probably be creeped out too, but I can't exactly visualize how the rest would feel about it alright I'm done, it's 2:20 am and I am giving myself 15 more minutes of laptop time before I go to sleep, you don't have to answer if you can't or don't want to, sorry if it's a little long, shockdad au's like to burrow into my brain sometimes before I inevitably forget abt them, before burrowing back in and continuing the cycle

hehe, yeah if you want to be sure abt how bee thinks in wires and cloth, he is aware of how shockwave sees him, but he's still in denial of it because he kind of doesn't wanna admit that's how shockwave sees him. it's a lot more bearable to just think shockwave wants to torment him basically.

but to answer your question, team prime (save for bulkhead) would probably just instantly be weirded out by shockwave. they would just think he wants to manipulate bee instead of thinking that his feelings are genuine. now for bulkhead?? he'd catch onto it. while it not might be exact, he'd probably know that shockwave's feelings are real and not just another manipulation tactic.

[zeeph-containment-zone]

VAPORWAVE/SYNTHWAVE LISTENERS:

I need you all to be aware that there seems to be a massive uptick in AI generated "music" clogging up youtube. As someone who's starting to get into writing their own vaporwave music and has wanted to write vaporwave for the past decade, this really upsets me for a lot of reasons!!!!

So I'm gonna show you how to spot these AI generated mixes::

WHILE WRITING THIS BLOGPOST I LEARNED MANY OF THESE SAME IDENTIFIERS APPLY TO WEIRDCORE / AMBIENT MIXES AS WELL!!!!

1) No Tracklist

Many of the AI generated mixes have no tracklists attached to them whatsoever. In my personal opinion, this is one of the biggest red flags. Some uploaders have added "track lists" but the names of the songs are pretty nonsensical even by vaporwave standards (example: "Helicopter Fly") and have no artist credited.

2) Suspiciously Long Uploads

If you're anything like me, you probably have noticed all videos on youtube search if you type "vaporwave mix" into the search bar are 3 or more fucking hours long.

I know there's some lengthy older mixes out there (example: Aisle 420, which has become a group listening background music staple whenever my friends and I play minecraft together!) but if it's fairly new and has a really obnoxious timestamp attached to it, be wary!

3) Extremely Specific Naming Scheme

Going to crossreference back to the images in number 2, one of the many things ALL these AI channels have in common is that they title all their mixes " Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ Ｉｎ Ｗｉｄｅ Ｔｅｘｔ ［ ＹＥＡＲ ］" Again, this is something older mixes have done before. But there's a very noticable difference between genuine mixes that incorporate a year into the title and these, especially when you look at the upload dates and how the naming scheme is extremely similar across all the channels that exhibit these patterns and AI usage.

4) Year in the Thumbnail Image

Much like Number 3, but specifcally in regards to the thumbnail image. There'll be a four digit number plastered in big text across the thumbnail. I have no idea why they all do this.

5) AI Generated Captions

Not just very likely AI generated, but also copypasta'd across every channel that's like this. Examples will speak better than explaining in text can.

Some things to note here are a weird fixation on copyright, and the phrase "Reposting This Content In Any Form is Strictly Prohibited!" being a shared factor.

6) AI Generated Visuals

This one is pretty easy to spot unless you're running youtube in a tab in the background.

7) Extremely "Samey" Sounding

So if you're like me and let youtube autoplay run while you're working, one of these may have decided to come on without you actually clicking on it. From what I've listened to when this happens, a lot of the music sounds very empty and "samey." As if you're listening to the same song for 10 minutes but it's actually all different songs. There's not much substance to any of the actual songs and also a very clear distinct lack of sampling. I don't want to include lack of sampling as it's own point, because it's entirely possible to compose music in-genre without sampling at all. However, none of these channels use samples. Not a single one, out of any of their several dozen three hour uploads.

8) Very Short Intervals Between Uploads

One of the things that made me start thinking "holy shit, are all these new playlists that're popping up AI generated?" was the upload dates. These channels will seeminly push out a new mix every couple of days, sometimes even every day.

Bro, you are NOT writing that much over that period of time.

9) Sometimes, They'll Just Admit It

youtube has also thankfully started flagging some of them with the tiny little disclaimer in the caption, which imo isn't enough seeing as they paste a whole AI generated novel in the caption half the time but at least it's something.

Channels I Can 100% Confirm Are AI:

•Retropical Records

-alts: Eternal Past (Weirdcore/Ambient) Nebula Breeze (Jazz?) and Dunes of Time (??? I can't be assed to click on any of those videos to find out, not gonna lie.)

•Utopic.Dreamer

•Luminescence

•Music Farm

•dream.surfer

•devs.fm

• FOR WEIRDCORE LISTENERS: aurora.heaven

-likely run by whoever's running utopic and dream surfer

Thank you so much for reading this through to the end. It's such a shame to see this genre go down this path and I hope we as creators can do something to offset it.

May your journey into the eternal mall be pleasant and AI-Free <3

[hsvh-hp]

Hi! Thanks for all the responses -- I hadn't realized how many chapters I'd gotten through since your last round until I saw the emails lmao

I was wondering, in regards to this:

And omg, I totally feel you on being a trans person in the HP fandom. It's very weird how my tumblr dash is set up. I have mutuals still from old fandoms who are queer, and I feel so ostracized from them at times when they toe the line of 'anybody in the HP fandom supports JKR, you're a bad person if you're still engaging with it'. I'll spare you the essay on why I disagree with that, but oddly the safest place I feel on the internet as a trans person is in the HP fandom. Which is weird at face value, I suppose, given what JKR is doing, but we really are separate from her. I've yet to see substantial evidence that fandom, which is infamous for generating zero revenue, is floating trans peoples' demise. It's just a thought crime, I guess.

if you would, perhaps, not spare me the essay? lol

I feel the same sort of ostracization which is especially frustrating when I am in such "thought crimes are fake!" circles, and I'm interested in your perspective, if you want to give it!

Sure, I’ll offer my perspective on it! This is probably best broken down into bullet points:

1. JKR was already a billionaire before she came out as a TERF.

There is nothing in the world that will change this status. Even if every single person currently engaging with her various IPs immediately dropped them, JKR would still have a billion plus dollars to drop on anti-trans movements and whatever. A billion dollars is immensely difficult to picture. The easiest way is to think like this: if you make $50,000 a year, the equivalent of her dropping $75,000 the other day is you spending $3.75. How often do you spend 0.0075% of your income and give it any thought? JKR’s wealth is not directly tied to ‘levels of fandom engagement’.

Which leads to…

2. Boycotts don’t work.

Sorry. They don’t. Not against someone this politically powerful. If they did, the flood of people out of the HP fandom in 2020 would have had a measurable effect. What did have a measurable effect? People not going to watch the Fantastic Beast movies (because they were hot trash lmao). Not giving JKR any more money works in the sense that it cripples her future projects, but it has zero effect on what’s already in her purse.

Also, think of boycotts this way: wasn’t it hilarious watching conservatives try to boycott the Barbie movie, Nike, Bud Light, and whatever else they’ve systematically locked on to? But so then why do progressives/the left/whoever think it’s going to work the other way? Like with Hogwarts Legacy? Just don’t interact with the media, dude. And if you do, pirate it.

3. Fandom is not mainstream. I have never seen any data to substantiate that participating in a fandom directly correlates to dollars for the IP. Copyright literally prevents that from happening. To bring up to popular saying, “there is no ethical consumption under capitalism”, fandom exists outside of capitalism—for me, at least, as a fan fiction writer. This is a hobby to me. I have never seen a red cent for any of the hours of work I’ve put into my fics.

And I can probably guarantee that no one has stumbled upon Harry Potter through me, lol. They didn’t read one of my fics and go, ‘you know, I should check out what source material this is coming from’. Harry Potter is so well-known that there’s no way they came in blind.

Also, the TERF discourse is very much an online thing. I work retail irl and I’ve had conversations with customers who’ll say “you know, I really don’t get all this hubbub against trans people” but are too boomer to be anything more than tangentially aware that Harry Potter is a Thing. Like, ‘oh yeah, my kids read those books when they were coming out, but I never bothered’. One of my employees bought a set of the HP books because they were on a wicked deal at Costco, and when we were discussing it I told her that while I still enjoyed HP, I wasn’t comfortable giving JKR more money because she’s extremely transphobic and donates a lot of money to anti-trans causes. My employee was horrified and said that had she known that, she wouldn’t have bought the books. Lots of people just don’t know!

Which takes me to…

4. This type of online activism isn’t effective.

I’m talking specifically about being anti-Harry Potter or anti-JKR. Falling into those two categories does not automatically make you pro-trans. This was pretty blatantly obvious back when the books were being burned for promoting witchcraft. As far as fighting for trans peoples’ rights, screaming until you’re blue in the face about how anybody who engages with Harry Potter is a traitor and JKR BAD is wasting time better spent doing something productive - something that could actually benefit trans people rather than…I don’t know…virtue signalling that their blog or twitter account is a safe space?

5. I personally do not feel welcomed or vouched for by these people.

Listen, I’m going to break myself down into all my stupid little categories. I’m trans. Autistic. Intersex. Aromantic. Asexual. Basically, all the things that people love to try and cast out of the queer community, whether that means they’re trying to split LGBTQIA+ at the T or Q.

The anti-Harry Potter stuff, as far as attacking the fandom, feels like the latest strain of purity politics to me. As I’ve laid out above, abandoning HP will not right the wrongs of JKR in any measurable or tangible way. Boycotts don’t work. Fandom does not feed JKR’s coffers, and destroying the fandom will not cripple her. There are trans people inside the HP fandom, and what of us? Are we traitors? Are we not ‘really’ trans, because obviously we don’t care about the current political climate? Are we just confused and need to be enlightened as to what harm we’re doing? Where have I heard this rhetoric before?

One small thing, tangentially related:

6. I don’t care what JKR says about how engaging with Harry Potter tells her about who her ‘supporters’ are.

Seriously? She’s a lying dirtbag, and I’m just supposed to take her word on this? This is the one thing she just so happens to be right about?

When she started spouting TERF shit, I was really saddened by the writers who, upon leaving the fandom, also deleted their works in protest. Seeing as the majority of the HP fandom is queer, I’m sure that JKR was very pleased with the amount of queer media erasure that occurred. Why did we do that for her?

7. I believe JKR actually seethes and malds over the prospect of her fandom being queer and producing queer content.

As a writer, there’s a special kind of pain that comes from someone not quite interpreting your work the way you would have wanted them to. What do you think JKR’s first reaction was when she first learned about the Harry/Draco ship? The Draco/Hermione ship? If she didn’t live in a stone castle, I bet she would’ve punched a hole in the wall.

So, yeah. Transing and gaying all of her characters is a pretty nice way to get to her in a way that she can’t legally or financially retaliate. Every time she screams ‘WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!’ at the queer people in her fandom, a trans person’s crops are watered.

8. The HP setting is very welcoming to trans people.

Potions exist that can change your body. Enough said.

That the Harry Potter books never really says anything specifically about trans people (NOTE: obviously JKR’s prejudices even back then showed through, but this isn’t about that) leaves the question on the table. Obviously trans people exist in the Harry Potter setting, because they exist everywhere. So, how did they never get any page time?

Well, who says they didn’t? In a setting where potions exist to change your body, trans people are just…people. I don’t even think that they would have a marginalized identity because gender dysphoria would be something very easily treated. Think of it like someone who takes medication for blood pressure. They need the medication, it’s life-saving, and while there isn’t a magical pill to ‘cure’ high blood pressure, it can be managed. The magical world revels in being strange. Why would being trans, while being considered strange here in the ‘Muggle’ world, be anything other than normal there? Why can’t it be?

And then there are Metamorphmagi. People who can literally change themselves at will! If that isn’t a trans person’s dream, I don’t know what is. I would personally love the option of being the biggest, hairiest dude with a dick so big an erection would make me black out, and then ultra femme and delicate the next.

Last on this point, Harry never notes anyone specifically trans in the text (NOTE: touching on things like the physical descriptions of Rita Skeeter and Marge Dursley, JKR tends to do the ugly=bad person thing. Although she describes Rita and Marge as mannish in appearance, they aren’t trans characters. They’re women that JKR wants to frame as bad people. Like I said above, this is JKR’s prejudice showing through). If Harry never notes anyone as specifically trans, that probably means that it’s impossible to tell at face value. The same as blood pressure medication, to return to that analogy. How do you know someone is on them? They tell you. You see the pill bottle and happen to know what that medication is for. They complain about side effects. They complain about the symptoms that led them going to the doctor in the first place.

9. Queer HP fandom content can potentially be how a Harry Potter fan realizes that they’re queer (or that queer people are just regular folks).

Hey, the first one happened to me!

If someone comes into the Harry Potter fandom unaware of JKR’s politics - maybe they were gifted the books for their birthday or happened to catch the movies on TV - it’s good actually that this person doesn’t fall right into an echo chamber of JKR’s politics. I’ll be happily here to correct her record in a way that isn’t shaming or policing them.

Anyway, I think that’s everything lol. To summarize:

- The HP Fandom is a neutral setting. Engaging with it doesn’t help JKR, and not engaging with it doesn’t help trans people. Just don’t spend money on official HP merch.

- If you want to be a pro-trans activist or trans political ally, please just ignore JKR and put all your focus on the real world.

- There are trans people in the HP fandom who are left feeling awkward and uncomfortable due to virtue signalling.

- Generating queer HP content is good, actually.

[rot4melt]

I wanted to write a little something about the harmful depiction of stereotypes surrounding Muslim people that many people fall into due to the Islamophobia and the propaganda that's spread by the western world as well as ignorance.

As a person who grew up Muslim and specially AFAB, I'm not going to deny the harm that our community and sometimes culture causes.

A big distinction that I feel people should be more aware of when writing Muslim characters (especially if you yourself aren't Muslim and trying to represent said population) is the overlap between religion and culture. Oftentimes people mix those two together and get a false impression on one of the two.

My biggest take on that is "Don't judge the believer but the religion itself." Because many believers tend to nitpick what they like and use it against others. A huge example of that is men picking only what benefits them and ignoring what compels them to have some responsibility towards the women or others in general.

I wont get too deep into that though. I'm going to break down some of the harmful stereotypes people have and explain why sometimes no matter what, you aren't qualified to write on those with your perspective if you, yourself haven't lived that.

- Muslim people are backwards and very fanatic. I've seen it many times. Someone makes a character either for a story or for a roleplay and they pick a Muslim girl and make her terrified of her parents, make her uneducated, sheltered, naive, easy to trick all because she's Muslim and her Dad and Mom are restricting her freedom. That, is oftentimes VERY offensive, especially if written by a white non-muslim man. Especially if the story they want to explore ISN'T something they should be telling. To me it just feels, very weird for someone to attempt and spread that message when they themselves never ever experienced it. It's like a non-black person writing about a black person being under slavery in an attempt to talk about slavery. That's simply not your story to tell. Leave it to others.

- Muslim women are uneducated or married off. While oftentimes, women in Islamic countries end up being wed at an early age or not getting education, the issue lies in the blame that people point towards it being related to them being Muslim. This issue mainly stems from the culture and the circumstances of said countries. We all know many Islamic countries are poverty ridden and or under wars that are caused by the Western countries. (USA, ISRAEL, BRITAIN ETC). LIKE. Let's be for real. Under poverty getting your education gets hard and making a livelihood gets even harder, so it's only a natural causation that many muslim women living in poverty laden countries end up getting married without getting their education. Of course I do not agree with that sentiment and how a woman's education takes the backseat in sake of the sons receiving their education BUT TRUST ME, even men don't receive education in these countries. My mom and dad, both Palestinian Jordanians, had a different course regarding their academic lives. Someone ignorant would probably assume that my dad received education and my mom didn't, right? Well. It's the exact opposite actually. My mom received higher education and my dad quit highschool and had to work. They were both poor as well. Even further, my dad's both and only sisters GRADUATED from university with degrees in Mathematics and Religion Education. People that live in the better part of islamic countries like the Gulf (kuwait, saudia etc) receive education regardless of their gender and even have governmential benefits pushing them towards higher education. That does not erase the women who are forced to quit school to marry or to take care of the household; again an issue in culture, misogyny and economical status usually rather than the religion itself. Even women in the western world still experience these gender based discriminations.

- Muslim people want to kill their kids if they deviate from the image they have for them. Now this is a very HEAVY and sensitive topic because it usually ties into LGBTQIA matters as well as religious expectations Muslim people might have of their kids or fellow Muslim people. As member of the LGBTQIA, I won't ever come out to my parents. Unfortunately, culture wise and religious wise there's a certain level of hatred people hold towards LGBTQIA Muslims. And it's unfortunate because according to Islam, YOU shouldn't be judging these people, you should try and guide them against it. Now I won't get into that part and what my stance is on it, simply because it's something i myself am struggling with rn and not agreeing with, but its what I grew up with, so essentially its not something I can speak about clearly. But, seeing non-muslim people try and write stories about Muslim characters getting killed or hunted by their Muslim parents about being gay? That shit pisses me off. It's not your story to tell. You aren't allowed to demonize the parents when it's a very sensitive topic and dependant on the dynamics people have with their families. Some people will have more accepting parents others won't. But that goes for non-muslims too. I've seen so many atheists disown their kids because they came out to them. Even christians...but it's only Muslim characters that i ever see getting bodily harmed or even killed when that's not something limited to muslim people? It just rubs me off the wrong way.

- Muslim people being depicted as barbaric and more accepting of hurting others around them. Now this is a notion that has slowly started to fade away THANK FUCKING GOD, but many times people writing muslim characters make them seem jaded towards others getting hurt? And its built on the harmful stereotype that Muslim people are fine with others getting hurt when that's not even something I've seen from actual Muslims and when that trait is something anyone from any background could have? Is it possible that many muslim people are jaded towards pain due to their countries being involved in conflict and pain? Yeah it is. But that does not mean we are ACCEPTING OF IT. It's just when you grow up hearing about your relatives getting bombed and murdered that you grow to view these things as common, but it doesn't mean you accept them. It's just the only way you can process losing your family to the violence enacted on you by the western world.

- As a Muslim person you'll get crucified if you drink alcoholic beverages. Riiiight. So this is a notion I see a lot. While drinking alcoholic beverages is DEFINITELY prohibited and haram, if you live in the Western world as a muslim person, chances are you a) drink, b) have muslim friends who drink, mainly because it depends on how religious someone is. I have a Muslim friend who isn't that religious and drinks. I dont. I know friends of my dad in Jordan who drink, even when they're heavily frowned upon. So people making Muslim ocs and then making them be super puritans and avoiding everything is... Weirdly infantilizing imo? We aren't perfect human beings. We are gonna commit acts that are considered sins. Sometimes some people will freak out about those and sometimes they won't. Not everyone is gonna feel the same amount of guilt over what they consider prohibited. Some muslim people get into dating despite it being prohibited. So shrug.

Anyways my main take away is that people should be MORE careful when writing a story about something they aren't. That's not to say you aren't allowed to write for these stories but it's more about whether you incorporate HARMFUL stereotypes only and end up with a representation that will only do damage.

Research. Talk to people. Generally not only when writing about Muslims. Even if you yourself are disabled, you can still write shitty disability rep about a disability that is not yours. Just cause you're ADHD it doesn't mean you cannot perpetuate harmful stereotypes about NPD ppl for example. Right?

That's all! Thank you for reading. Hopefully I wont get crucified for this lol.

[yuri-game-tournament]

reflecting on the tourney...

The tourney made me realize something that I hadn't before: how much more popular OELVNs are on tumblr as compared to Japanese VNs. On one hand, it makes sense since most of the tumblr population is north american. on the other, this is a yuri blog, which is a Japanese term, so I was a bit surprised at how few people seemed to have played most of the Japanese VNs. Four of the five winners were OELVNs, and I don't think I got any propaganda for any of the japanese games aside from what was submitted initially.

One example of the "english bias" was on the Kindred Spirits poll. I felt pretty weird seeing it get swept on round one, especially since it's so highly rated on VNDB. I didn’t reblog it since it felt like anti propaganda to me, but someone said something dismissive about it, calling it something like “old game that came out when you were 10 on steam.” But it truly was such a groundbreaking game for the genre and is highly regarded in Japan, getting a short manga and some radio dramas too. I really expected it to be more of an even match, but it wasn't, despite being so well regarded for years.

It does feel like a lot of people on tumblr (broadly speaking) will use the word "yuri," but also be dismissive towards Japanese media. sometimes I see people paint a broad picture about what is or isn't in japanese yuri, e.g. thinking of all japanese yuri as cute schoolgirls and lacking in "toxic yuri," when in reality most of these tropes do exist in japanese media as well. There's a lot of almost any trope you crave, from fluffy to dark; you just have to look for it (vndb can be a huge help!)

i'm not saying any of this because I think OELVNS are bad! I have played so many and really enjoy them. I purposely left the submission guidelines open and allow both english and japanese games (along with any other languages people might want to submit), and I don't think I would change them. I guess I just hope people will connect to the roots of the term. I don’t want people to forget where yuri comes from.

I would encourage people who have only played OELVNs to try a few Japanese ones, since that's where yuri culture originates from. I just feel like if you're using the term, it's good to read some things connected to its origin. There are a ton of really nice japanese games that are translated to english. Try something new and broaden your tastes! That's what I hoped to accomplish with this tourney: spread awareness of lots of different games, both english and japanese.

[marsian-tango]

I have some really important information that may concern you and a blogger on Tumblr that I think you might know of, or could be mutuals with…

This was an anon send in that can be found on @running-with-kn1ves blog…

“Ew, you're collaborating with a white supremacist's best friend?

Just a heads up, but @fangdokja-anon has been called out by multiple authors here for being homophobic, fatphobic, and racist, as well as making multiple problematic posts (like wanting to write about genocide and infant SA). The only person who publicly supported her was @yanderedrabbles who praised her in the comments and even made a post to defend her friendship.

It's your choice to have her as a writer for the zine, but please make it public knowledge so people can at least opt out. I myself won't sign up to share space with a bigot.”

Then there was this follow up post by the same anon, who goes into detail of the issues above…

“Sorry for the sudden accusatory ask, I'm one of the people who unfollowed @yanderedrabbles after she openly expressed her support for the homophobe and I was annoyed to see her acting so careless on another blog I follow. I guess she's hoping we'll just forget about it at some point and keeps quiet on her main.

Here's the first post where she explained in many empty words she doesn't care about the issue because the blog has been nice to her and they're friends: https://www.tumblr.com/yanderedrabbles/780435897593315328/hi-idk-if-your-mutuals-with-fangdokja-but-shes?source=share

The problematic post on @fangdokja-anon blog has since been deleted or removed, but I have a screenshot of @yanderedrabbles commenting on it with ‘THATS why your pro pic went all blurry when I logged in. Literally freaked me out so bad. I'm glad to see you reorganising fang! Gonna learn to use AO3 just for you 😘’ while the rest of us were freaking out at the atrocities mentioned.

Instead of coming out and telling us why she chose to publicly support someone who fetishizes stuff like concentration camps and pedophilia she's all giddy about writing for a yandere magazine, like we're dumbasses who'll just swallow up any content. The audacity is amazing.”

Since this all seems to be true, please reconsider any relationship you have with @yanderedrabbles and @fangdokja-anon

This is an unfortunate situation, I would've never expected something like this. Yandere drabbles is a blog that I've always liked, it was one of the many blogs here on Tumblr that inspired me to make my own blog. And with Fangdokja-anon, I've seen her posts on my fyp, she seems to have always been pretty popular, but I wasn't aware of this controversy up until now. I know that it's two different things to "not support" something, than to directly condemn it or attack it. In this case, Fangdokja-anon seems to "not support" gay people–and in all honesty, that confuses me. I can't fully grasp the notion of "not supporting" gay people, I get that the bible says that it's bad, that it's a sin, that people are gonna go to hell for that, etc. But, at the end of the day, I don't believe that this is something that should be up to discussion. To support it or not to support it? We're talking about people. Normal people, just living their lives. People who are not doing anything weird, they're doing the same thing that straight people do. To "not support" something as normal as people loving other people baffles me. I know it's a religious thing, but it's still so confusing. And regarding the other topics such as her, seemingly wanting, but holding back on writing various problematic, or downright wrong subjects. I don't think that I need to say much on that, it's pretty obvious that if those accusations are true, then we're dealing with someone who should not be allowed to express herself freely on this platform. Wether you think this is a drastic take against Fangdokja-anon and Yandere drabbles or not, I think it's important to let people know about this. I do feel like it's a relevant piece of information that people who follow them should know.

I'd like to thank the anon who sent me this. Thank you for letting me know and taking time out of your life to share this.

[smthleon]

KEMEO RANT

As much as I adore Kemeos work, and how she's one of the many artist who began the new wave of reguri/gurire. I'm gonna be real with you, in the first(?) comic. The part before green leaves was a little weird, considering the fact red & green would've been around 14-17(depending how you view it.), it was odd seeing green telling red to "Hey have sex with me before I leave" they were still teens/kids at the time, and we know this based off how she drew their faces.

analysis;

them as young kids

tweens

the faces they have DURNING. this bit (can be speculated as still being teenagers. maybe older, but 18? I don't think so.)

and then them as adults (obviously)

Now the main thing that makes me believe that they could still be kids is the fact in kemeos OTHER comic, they meet in unova where we can see that they're still very obviously teenagers (maybe around 15-17, considering this is the speculated ages for Red & green when in unova. In unova theyre believed to be about 13-16.)

we can tell they're still young mainly based off of eyebrow & eyeshape, alongside their chins. Now this isn't me trying to nitpick or call kemeo something that she's not. and as far as I'm aware, I've never really seen any drama based around her, I've only had one person tell me that the reason she deleted her account was because she drew something bad, but they didn't know what it was. Which makes me believe maybe it could have been something regarding well. you know. considering she was mainly known for her splatoon & pokemon work.

But this was just my analysis on her work. I really do adore her style and story telling(somewhat.) But the sleep with me bit has always thrown me off... but I don't know! I've always wondered what other people have thought about this. so, I'd love to hear your thoughts/opinions on this!!!

[gor3sigil]

About being a freak, queer, trans etc.

In all the years I've spent going back and forth with my gender, being sure one day and unsure the next about how I wanted to present, if I wanted to be more fem or masc, if I wanted to be neither of them, there's one thing that I never wished: I never wished to be born cis.

There's something so magical in being trans. To me it's like a never ending childlike wonder of myself and others. I see my body as a white canvas I can do anything with and as a playground for me to explore and find secrets at every turn. It's shedding so many times that I had hundreds of silhouettes and I'm not even 30. It's seeing the most deepest and honest smiles when you hang out with your peers, and they're fully themselves and you are fully yourself even if it's just for one moment.

Being trans is being more naked than ever. My understanding of my own flesh at its core like I'm dissecting it once a year is so whole and complete. Noticing the patterns, the intricate map of my skin, how it grows and stretch with every change even well before HRT as I was practicing new poses and expressions and clothes.

I don't see myself as a flower, I see myself as a whole garden, with bees and critters everywhere, bursting with life in the warmth of the sun under a sky as blue as the cleanest seas.

Regarding the way others see me, mind you, I always was, and I mean ALWAYS, all my life, seen as a freak.

Try to picture this, even tnough you maybe can because this is the story of a whole bunch of us: growing up as a goth, queer and undiagnosed autistic girl, in a little shitty town, the last child of a family of disabled and neurodivergent folks that everyone saw as a family of, well, freaks. The teachers at school knew your brother who was bullied, and your sister who always caused troubles. They don’t know which of these paths you’re going to take but they sure as hell don’t like you. And the only other queer kids you know are a couple of girls who’d chugg down vodka before class in middle school because they were not accepted at home and bullied during recess.

My first queer relationship, also in middle school, was the typical “I loved her to the moon and back but she only wanted to experiment” and it tore down my soul. It took me years to recover from this. I think that, apart from my longest relationship to date, I never put that much of myself into someone I loved. But she was just goofing around and I mean, fair, we were kids, but man did it hurt. I resented her for years after. Now I just hope she’s happy and doing the job she always dreamed of doing.

Anyways, all that to say that I was used to being seen as an outcast. I hated that for years and tried and tried again and again to fit in. It doesn’t work. Because this in not the answer. Remember when I said that my family members were always all disabled ? My father espacially was physically disabled (and probably also autistic but undiagnosed), and he’s still to this day one of the most ableist person I’ve ever met. He knew his kids weren’t “normal”. He fought tooth and nails for us to fit in. Because that’s how he survived. But despite it all, it never worked. Because you can’t force your way into society’s standards.

I never felt more free than when I just gave up trying to. If I was going to be seen as weird anyways, might as well go all the way. Dress as I please, date who I wanted (another story for another time but it didn’t go as planned), enjoy the shit I enjoyed, unapologetically. And guess what ? It stopped the bullying. Because I gained confidence in myself and most of all, pride. I grew proud of being an outcast, so much so that people just started to be like “well, they’re like that anyways” and left me the fuck alone.

I’m rambling lmao but I think it’s important to be aware that nobody will live your life for you. Being your weird self, it’s so hard, butn so rewarding. More rewarding than anything. You’ll start making new relationships based on you TRUE self, you’ll go all the way for your passions, and trust me, you’ll be more free than anyone who bent themselves to fit in the mold and still need to painfully stretch their limbs everyday to keep the act on.

I know that sometimes it’s something you have to do to survive, and that’s perfectly okay. But don’t forget to keep your true self close and to let them out from time to time, okay ? Water down your inner garden. That’s the only way you will truly live.

[acoldghostlypresence]

STEX world building headcanons

Just some shit I've been thinking about, not fully cooked but eh.

The Apollo Victoria was built in the middle of nowhere at the top of a mountain originally to profit off mining operations in the area, when those mineral and coal deposits mostly dried up their financial situation became increasingly precarious. They were only able to stay open as long as they did coasting off the tourism, fame, and funding that came with housing the American National in Poppa and thus regularly hosting the Championships when he won. When Poppa retired it became essential that they find a new champion and fast since their old freight lines couldn't support the station alone, its why Greaseball became the defacto leader of the rolling stock once he won despite how mean he can be (it might also be a contributing factor in why he felt he had to cheat.)

In recent years the station has been looking into applying to become a heritage site due to their importance in train racing history and their preservation of old steamers that most other stations have long since abandoned.

Electra's (as of yet unnamed) station is positioned in the valley just below the Apollo Victoria they've just never needed to actually go up that way until the events of the show. I imagine afterwards they go out of their way to take jobs that let them visit as often as possible to rub how well they're doing in Greaseball's face... no other reason.

All the trains have a built in radio/walkie talkie system but they can only use it to talk to other people within their station, so all the Apollo Victoria trains can talk to each other and all the Components can talk to each other but neither group can talk across those lines (the nationals, being all from different stations, can't talk to anyone. Maybe they have a nationals only group chat set up for races though.) What makes Caboose's radio special is its lack of these limitations, he can talk to whoever whenever so long as they're in range and on a frequency he can access. Because of this he gets all the gossip from all the stations in the area, he's always up to date on what's happening sometimes before even Control is. CB has also illegally modified his radio because of course he has.

I've been imaging there being far more unnamed and unimportant freight and coaches off screen we don't see in the show working at the station.

Regarding Poppa/Momma's many kids, Rusty is their biological (as biologically related as a train can be) grandson while the freight are all foster kids they took in for one reason or another. CB aged out and now lives in his own shed but still visits for tea once a week.

Boxcars come in large batches and them all having identical names is not at all uncommon. The fact that there are only three Rockies at the station is abnormal and its because the rest of their siblings work for different companies far away. They regularly get post cards, letters, and gifts from their siblings and their shed is covered in them.

Pearl is trans. You already know this.

The fact that the Components belong too and only work with Electra isn't that weird, in fact it's pretty common for trucks and engines to pledge themselves to each other and become exclusive in this way, usually this is done as an emotional commitment between family or lovers. Its alot more high stakes for the trucks involved than the engine though, if something happens to an engine's trucks that's bad obviously but they'll survive, trucks on the other hand generally can't get far physically without an engine to push them so if anything happens to their engine they can become stranded. It's a problem all trucks face but it gets worse when you commit to one person and can no longer ask other engines to pick you up, something I'm sure Dinah was aware of when Greaseball uncoupled her and that Pearl at least briefly considered when trying to make up her heart between Electra and Rusty.

[vivienne-faustina]

Something else I don't quite see discussed is how the Galaxy Team's code of conduct could have possibly left a detrimental impact on Volo's mental health.

That's... honestly the direction I initially believed the narrative was heading towards? Such emphasis is made in the beginning of the game how if the protagonist isn't of use to the team, then they will be cast out into the wild to fend for themselves.

Has Volo... seen this happen before?

If so, how many times? Eleven, as a matter of fact? Recall his motive, a wish for a kinder world.

Something I also feel is worth mentioning: pinned to the wall of the protagonist's quarters is the Galaxy Team's code of conduct. One of the things written there is, "Those who are weaker must be helped." Which... is rather hypocritical, considering how casually multiple characters spoke of casting the protagonist out.

The protagonist is far from weak, but the Galaxy Team certainly wasn't aware of that at the time. Since I'm well aware this is the "How dare you say we piss on the poor!" website and the people of Tumblr have a tendency to gravitate towards black and white mentality, this isn't to say Kamado is actually the TRUE villain of the game and Volo never did anything wrong.

However, whether this was the intention of the developers or not, the vagueness surrounding Volo and all the pieces of background information do raise some... interesting possibilities.

That being said, it's also plausible Jubilife Village has never cast out anyone and the above is a predicament entirely exclusive to the protagonist - a case of othering.

And yet, Volo could still take issue with that as well! I personally believe despite allowing that envy of his to consume him, he does possess at least some amount of fondness for the protagonist - why else would he throw a wrench into his own plan when it was working? The boy apparently started hauling ass as soon as he heard they were cast out from Jubilife Village-

So to summarize, I do wish more people would consider how Volo may perceive the Galaxy Team, particularly Kamado, and especially regarding their code of conduct, since his entire motive is wishing for a better, kinder world.

Except, oh wait, people are weird about Volo in particular and prefer to toss all his nuance directly out the window in favor of him being the second coming of Ghetsis who torments train conductors and delights in inflicting pain and misery onto others!

Noooo, I'm not still mad! Whatever gave you that impression?

[noddytheornithopod]

Announcement regarding my engagement with Phineas and Ferb and its fandom, also a rant about the state of the Internet

Look, I'm sorry I have to do this, but I'm at a point where my ability to function has been severely impacted. My mental health has been low in general, but my mind seems to be bent on making things harder for me.

The short version is that basically, I'm taking a step back from Phineas and Ferb, and especially the fandom. I'm still willing to talk to friends or even engage in projects with them, but I don't want to be involved in fandom shenanigans or deal with new content coming out. Not for now, at least, especially because the world just keeps getting worse.

I'm sure some of you remember my breakdown in June when the revival premiered. A lot of confusing, overwhelming feelings came from that. As much as it became apparent that I have a far more complicated and personal relationship with the show than I was willing to admit, I did hope that I would start to feel better given that it was just the overwhelming amount of content being dropped at once.

After recent events however, it's clearly not the case.

So many instances I find myself constantly stressed or on edge. It's not that this doesn't happen with other fandoms, but I've let this become so personal to me that it feels more stressful and tense. I thought I could just grin and bear it, but then this weekend happened.

After that "Dooflicated" clip from San Diego Comic Con, something in me snapped. You see, I have very weird feelings about mind control or manipulation in media, and the more I've looked into myself, the more I've realised that this is clearly from a massive fear of my personal autonomy being taken from me, something that's been with me since I was a child.

It's so weird that this series became such a massive fixation for me then, huh? So many inators doing this exact thing to people all the time, among other things. I'm completely aware of how complicated and confusing this must all seem. I mean, I'm struggling to understand myself, too. Not to mention the shame and embarrassment I feel where I've been triggered by silly cartoon antics. Some of you who know me well enough know these feelings are even more complex and deep than this, but that's not stuff I want to broadcast publicly.

I tried to play it off and joke about it. Probably because I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about being upset by something that seems so silly. But I'm afraid I can't run from my true feelings, no matter how much I want to write them off as silly or absurd. Fact of the matter is, sometimes people can have trauma triggers based on the most unusual, inconspicuous things.

Also, seeing everyone else be so hyped and excited after seeing the new clip while I'm left with my weird confusing feelings... it's pretty lonely and isolating, to put it mildly. And that's not anyone's fault, my mind is just a weird mess.

I have reacted like this before to things like this in media, PnF related stuff especially. I'm sure if you went and looked back you could easily find things. But why is it suddenly worse now? Well, to put it mildly... because in general, I'm doing worse.

You remember how I think this all comes back to a fear of having my autonomy taken from me? Well, I get very distressed when things feel out of my control, or even more, when others are imposing that control over me.

If you've been seeing this sudden authoritarian turn on the Internet, that's deeply affected me. The older and more experienced I've gotten, the more I hate it. This isn't just a moral stance I'm taking, I'm not just grandstanding for the sake of it, even if I do believe what I'm saying. It's also related to some very personal trauma I have.

People who've known me long enough, or are close enough for me to have told them may know that my family situation... is not good. In general I feel pretty lonely and alien around them, but about a decade ago, my home environment turned hostile because my dad and his current partner suddenly became obsessed with how much I was on the internet. Instead of asking why, they just saw it as bad and tried to restrict my use, even cutting it off completely at times. They didn't even have a specific concern, they just hated I was too withdrawn. Sorry that life is hard and I need a safe place, I guess.

Well thing is... this authoritarian turn the internet is taking is quite literally traumatising to me for this reason. I've had people that were supposed to love and trust me turn hostile and try to control what I do, and with stuff like all of the censorship that corporations are gleefully finding excuses to enforce draconian censorship laws that are not going to just stop at taboo content, but will be used to silence any perceived deviance or dissent. I know Australia wants to implement its own age restrictions like the UK is doing, and it's likely going to be enforced the way it currently is now. Violating privacy and digital rights all in the name of creating a "safe" environment. Think of the children, right?

My faith in humanity has been going down severely this decade. First, the response to COVID, and ESPECIALLY the rush to make everything back to normal like it never happened. Then the genocide in Palestine, and how much the media, state and corporations are committed to denying what is seen everywhere. And well, the insistence on silencing any dissent trying to hold them accountable and admit things for how they really are, more slides into authoritarianism.

But then this whole moralising about content that's "bad" and "wrong" on the internet... it's too much. Just like the other two things I mentioned, it's not just seeing my already shaken faith in the powers that be showing their true colours, but its how so many ordinary people are supporting it too. So many people denied COVID or wanted to rush back to normal. So many people choose to ignore that their own governments are complicit in and support genocide. And here... so, so many people are cheering on these new draconian laws designed to restrict and censor content.

I've made my distaste for this trend in fandom to be morally correct and puritan about everything for a while, even as I've come to learn and accept more things myself. Living with moral OCD meant I really needed to push a lot of anxieties I had aside, about doing the wrong thing, which may tie into this people pleasing nature I've developed, which may in turn have developed because I felt if I appeased my superiors enough, they'd let me do my own thing.

Thing is... it's so hard to escape, so hard to know who to trust. I've blocked and hidden from so many people because my paranoia online is that great. And I see this a lot in the Phineas and Ferb fandom too. Especially with all the dramas about Ferbnessa and Perryshmirtz everyone insists on dredging up.

I'm really just sick of everything. Sick of putting up with people's bullshit. Sick of watching people cheer on this new push towards an authoritarian age. And because of a weird complicated tangle of feelings and emotions, my ability to enjoy Phineas and Ferb and engage with the larger fandom is at an all time low.

I don't know how long I'm going to be taking time off for myself. Like I said, I'll still talk to friends, though I'd ideally not want to be involved with any real fandom happenings or deal with new content. I don't think my head is in a good enough place to deal with that right now. I definitely worry about the potential "fear of missing out" feelings that will come from this, but it's a risk I need to take.

It's weird, I almost feel like I'm in a toxic relationship with a cartoon. I love it to bits, but it keeps finding ways to mess with me and hurt me, even if it's not really its fault. It's a TV show, it has no will. But the dynamic I feel of being obsessed with it to the point of putting up with every distressing or disturbing thing from or around it because I keep thinking it will always be worth it in the end... I can't keep doing this. If my mind isn't in a good enough state to handle this appropriately, then I shouldn't force it to because of whatever love I feel.

So... yeah. That's basically what I'm going through and how I plan to engage things. Don't take any silence or unfollows personally, it's all on me. If you want to talk with me further about any of this, DM me (well, as long as the Australian government still lets me for now). If you think I'm being dramatic or stupid and overreacting, then I don't even know why you're still here.

So I guess this is a goodbye... hopefully not forever, though. I still love Phineas and Ferb, I just think we need some time apart for me to reassess how I engage with the franchise.