#itll be back to normal. but for now
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hm..... pomni taking peoples hand as a repeating image in the show..... happens in ep 1, with ragatha, its kinda evoked with her reaching for the final exit door, ep 2 is pretty blatant with it i dont need to say anything else on that, and in episode 3 the scene with kinger..... episode 4 doesnt have anything with this i dont think (i COULD technically say her raising her hand at the beginning of the ep but that is a MASSIVE stretch and doesnt fit with what the other instances seem to be representing. her waving at gummigoo MAYBE but the image just really isnt present in the episode, looking at it realistically) but im thinking about this...... cus i feel like its probably notable in the dream sequence in ep 2 that its her arm that gets all fucked up
#tadc#i need to look thru all these and note which of her hands it is these happen w...#i ALSO still need to make my color theory and my door theory#well... less of a theory#more me overanalyzing specific repeated images in the show for possible motifs HAHA#its not really theories... but it is fun!#also my color thing has to do w the idea that diff colors in the show represent different things#i think red blue and green in particular are EXTREMELY important#it feels intentional that the only of the main cast with green as a constant in their design is caine and gummigoo...#and now that i think abt it caines blue eye lines up with ragathas button eye#PLUS . pomnis eyes being red and blue...#i think blue has to do w the game and green has to do w... smth?#i gotta think on it more#and the door thing is that like#i feel like doors are a repeating image in the show too#all the diff doors pomni opens trying to find caine. the exit doors. the bedroom doors (and pomni opening hers to ragatha).#the normal and scary doors. the gate to the dumbwaiter. the door out of the hall of the damned. the door to zoobles room#the front door of spudsys. (the lack of doors in wherever it is jax goes). the door out of caines office#theres probably a case for the portals to the adventures being related butttt waves hand#look doors are normal in fiction doors are a normal thing but LOOK. if youre gonna spend the whole pilot talking about doors#and then make it a big component of ep 3#im gonna get suspicious that youre using it as a symbol for smth ok....#(or repeatedly showing visuals of pomnis hand reaching other ppls hands)#(maybe the hole to the basement too but thatsss more of a stretch. but its certainly an entryway)#(smth smth its not shown visually in ep 4 because it happens more explictitly than in other eps. maybe?)#(...or maybe ep 3 was supposed to be the last usage of that imagery buuuut i dont think so i think itll come back... eventually. maybe ep 9#the door to spudsys gets a special shoutout bc like#i feel like the show is very obviously doing some things when it shows pomni behind it as it gets closed#something something. gummigoo is content and can 'leave' and she cant and shes accepting that#i mean i think shes given up on going home by this ep so i feel like its more of like. a letting go of gummigoo
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just watched all the way through john fuhnaffs recent theory and like godd he really is cooking he truly is onto something but like. the idea that Cassies dad did all of thos important stuff and is connected to the mimic and built mxes and did all this shit is like. what do Gregory and vanessa even have to do with anything anymore at this point
#like when ruin came out everybody thought they built mxes to lock away the thing that abused them and that was#their way of fighting back after they were free so they could secure that they can live normal lives#and it made perfect sense#and also was narratively satisfying#but now this technician guy did it all and gregory and vanessa just went down there and trapped it with concrete and thats it#like. can they do anything plz#its just so weird#why dont they want them to do important stuff#they wont even let vanny do anything anymore its just a guy wearing vannys face#i know that the hw2 candy cadet stories and the ggy hints are trying to tell us hey. we havent forgotten about them#but also im just. not thrilled about 3 entire releases building up the mimic and cassies dad and it taking at that point#at LEAST over 3 years to get anything with a chance of gregory and vanessa#like when sb came out in 2021 and got into it believe it or not i kinda expected the characters in it that were main characters to idk#be in the story and do stuff#its just annoying#theyll come back someday but the way theyve handled things where itll take probably 3.5 years at least to give them the time of day is just#urgh#anyway john fuhnaff is a great theorist i love him#he has such real takes hes so chill about everything too#and the way he said 'im totally open to that happening' about sotm and tftp being copy paste 💀💀💀#so true man#discourse
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the problem with my n24 is that with the clock going around gradually i have periods of being awake at day and periods of being awake at night, but then because i tend to sleep really badly during night time i spend my daytime days being very tired and sluggish, and my nighttime days are much more productive and energetic. but i cant do just anything i want at night, so i cant get as much done as i have the energy and drive to. and then i also need sunlight to feel sane in the head, and so i hate missing out on daytime wakefulness. but then the sun is also why my sleep quality is much better during daytime. if im gonna stuck with a seemingly incurable sleep disorder since birth cant i at LEAST have the sleep be overall consistent? apparently not lmao
#i am multiply disabled but like. this thing? this thing right here? is THE greatest curse of my life#literally doesnt matter what other accommodations there are with the sleep disorder there#its one of those things i hate talking about normally cause its been THE major factor of shame throughout my life#cause god people assume you havent tried everything there is!!! and that youre not trying!!! or that its caused by bad habits!!!#and like because i tried to live normally despite it i suffered so much insomnia that im physically unable to force it anymore#burnt out and burnt to a crisp etc. the moment my sleep isnt catered to these days my whole body gets fucked up in new innovative ways#GOD I FEEL LIKE ALL I DO IS COMPLAINING but its just. hrghhhh!!!!#everytime it goes back to daytime i start fighting to keep it going for as long as possible#but my body doesnt wanna cooperate so i go to bed later and later#no matter how hard i fight to get up the same time everyday#so every night i sleep a shorter and shorter amount of time until it turns to insomnia. and then i crash.#this is basically why id stay awake for DAYS in a row growing up because i didnt trust myself to wake up for school lol#and thats ALSO why i developed the ability to converse in my sleep to sneak in sleep whenever i could without people yelling at me#which isnt good if you accidentally end up making plans with your mom you have no idea about until she calls asking where you are<3 LMAO#god im just frustrated cause my sleep schedule is beginning to turn back now. first noticeable delay today and by the end of this week...#itll likely turn back to night time. urghhhhhhhh. timezones all fine and dandy but im not reliably available to anyone lol#silvi talks#OR WHINES AS ALWAYS. time to paint my nails and then maybe screens
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i dont smoke but i wish i did its one of those days
#text#>wait outside for 20 minutes for the bus that comes on the hour (ish)#>its 15 minutes late#>woman walks by and tells us its delayed another half hour#>check the transit app#>transit app confirms this#>i go up to my room and lie down#>check again#>now it says itll be there at the regular time#>Glad i went back to my room#>30 minutes pass#>Bus is here again.#>transit app still says the normal time#>??????????#ALSO. FOR CONTEXT.#IT IS 10 (TEN) DEGREES OUTSIDE. FARENHEIT#celcius users thats like -12#i am SO COLD#and i need to go to the fucking STORE
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Been paranoid the past month and trying to be soooo normal about following up with this cafe I applied to. But I finally got word today I got the job.
For what, I don't know yet, but that won't bother me lmao.
Barista life here I come (deaf owned as well, so I get to commit to my asl practice)
#quinntessentials#applied for a few jobs the past couple months#both for volunteer and paid film gigs#and normal boring jobs like stocking#this cafe tho is mom and pop and#a place ive been to a few times to practice asl#so im confident itll be less stressful#and its really good pay - 20 an hour#not even minimum wage like i thought it would begin at lmao#which i wouldnt mind cause i live w family still#now the only thing is figuring out#how to break it to my overwhelmed babysitting client#who JUST wanted me back to regular schedule again
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i miss my friends here so bad but theres been so much going on😭 aside from the mental crisis i have when i try to post basically anything on this damn webbed site. ive also been like. trying to get my life together and whatnot
#ocd is like. if a guy that wanted you dead or miserable lived in ur head#whatever whatever im back on meds so itll probably become bearable. at some point#this sounds super negative .its not meant to be#things r actually looking up ? im just not reaping thr benefits of it yet#so its just like the normal Doing Bad but now i have to do things also#until im not doing bad i guess#something like that#the 5 year plan has 2 things. 1: obtain associate degree. 2: dont kms.#anyways🎉thats the update
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Started rereading thg for the probably eighth time in preparation for SOTR’s release next month and Oh Boy the hyperfixation is creeping back up on me
#not really the type of fixation I can post about easily though. not exactly an expert at literary analysis#nor do I know how to draw any of the characters#so there’s nothing for me to say now is there?#the extent of my fandom interaction is (points wildly) LLOOOK!! !#I didn’t realize how much it influenced my writing style until now tbh. maybe it’s cause I only just recently got back into writing#but I can definitely see where i got most of my inspiration. first person present tense my beloved ill die on this hill#obviously my writing is. way worse. but the sentence structure and stuff I notice is similar#ooiyghh this series….oouuuguguhhh I adore it so much……..#I first read it as a joke but then it wasn’t a joke anymore#watch out mutuals. March 18th onward is going to be something. I’m not sure what but itll be Something#if sunrise on the reaping isn’t good I will be a shell of a man my expectations are reasonable but very high#i genuinely trust that there’s an actual story to be told and not just ‘oooh look haymitch you like haymitch don’t u’#and I mean yeah. I do like haymitch. but I’ll bet everything I have (which is negative 15 dollars 💔) that it won’t just be pandering#you guys are lucky I didn’t have this account when TBOSAS movie came out. I was kind of insane for a while#in a mixed way. kinda talked until my throat went dry on the ride home from the theater about How Dare They not include XYZ#or How Dare They change XYZ. yes m still petty they gave one of Tigris’s lines to coryo that was a terrible decision#point being there may be a surge of yapping so prepare your feeds for how normal I will not be
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my neck is BAD today
#i don't know what happened either#yesterday it felt like i had gotten it crunched into a really good alignment#and then the muscles were kinda tight and sore but otherwise it was great#and as the day wore on and especially once i laid down to sleep something just was not right#so much that it woke me up any time i moved in my sleep#and i had to use a pillow when normally i don't#and now i hav been up almost an hour and not gotten up yet because i feel like it is just going to give out on me if i move lol#something is out of place further down though for sure and that could be the source of the problem#so maybe i just need to push a rib back in or something and then itll chill
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i can not even begin to explain how stressful the last two days have been at work
#yapping#my job is super chill 90% of the time... like i literally get paid to do nothing often#unironically most of my drawings are started and completed during my work hours thats how non busy it is#but these last few days have been insane.. i need all our clients to drop dead this second for the sake of the entire teams sanity#i almost cried from stress yesterday at one point#i need my companys CEO to stop liking me and having faith in me ngl#IT DOESNT PAY OFF TO BE LIKED BY YOUR BOSS#cause it just means hell give u more responsibilities that he doesnt trust other people with :'^)#ppl were genuinely thinking of quitting this week 😭😭😭😭#i have faith itll get back to normal soon though#today is already chill compared to the previous days#yesterday i was on three phonecalls at the same time all while texting with the CEO nonstop for hours#and all of that while actually doing whats my literal job in the background#i stayed an hour longer to finish the report i make at the end of my shifts#my dad got mad at me for staying longer (he was at ny apartment at the time)#but man what else can i do its so insane#also i did not report my overtime to anyone cause i wanted to do my report in peace without having to multitask 10 things as well#the money for that one hour isnt worth the stress xjdjdnhdhdhdj#im yapping now but GOD its been so bad#at least we all got $100 bonuses SIGH#ive already spent that money in my mind ngl#lowkey spent it irl as well not just in my mind
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election thoughts
calling trump voters 'dumb' is ignorant. some of these people are dumb but a lot of them are just selfish.
blaming third-party voters is ignoring the issue re: over half the country was willing to vote for trump anyway. likewise, pointing out that trump won the popular vote and that third-party votes wouldn't have made a difference is ignoring the voting system. conversations about third-party voters in general are not fruitful. some people are just going to vote third-party and expecting them to suddenly not do so is na��ve. there is no scenario where third-party voters should have been the 'tie-breaker' to begin with.
a lot of people (americans and non-americans) don't understand how the electoral college system works and in general i'd advise you to do some research before you share your take. americans you should know this anyway and don't use the excuse of "i wasn't taught" if you have tumblr then you have the internet so look it up and start reading. i don't expect non-americans to know a foreign country's voting system but if you want to share an opinion please take a bit of time to learn about it before you do. i'm tired of seeing the same dialogues by people who clearly just don't understand the actual structure of the voting system.
pointing fingers at different demographics you think are to blame is useless. if you're going to find a group to blame, then blame the majority, i.e. white men and white women. otherwise your blame is completely unhelpful and misplaced.
saying she only lost because she's a woman or a poc (or both) is also misguided. its not entirely wrong but once again you are misunderstanding some fundamentals of how extremist politicians find success, and likewise are ignoring some obvious issues re: the democratic party and their campaign strategies.
equating education to intelligence to voting preferences in general is ignorant. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone actually receiving formal education. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone's state of residence. i was going to explain this further but i think no one cares so i'm not going to bother because the explanation got too long. also, see point 1. there are plenty of very smart people who vote for trump anyway.
talking about abandoning the south or red states is pointless and if i hear or see anybody suggest such measure i am automatically assuming you are a foul person. equating democratic states to morally or inherently good and republican states to morally or inherently bad is such an unbelievably superficial and foolhardy judgement and goes against all principles of unity and community that we should be fostering at a time like this.
americans ignorant to the effect that us politics has on the world need to wake up.
i don't blame non-americans for their resentment against the sphere of influence of us politics but i wish they would be less dismissive of the genuine effects this election will also have within america.
acting as though anybody doesn't have the right to be scared about the implications of this result is shortsighted at best. my concern goes beyond my own afflictions – how can you say that concern is misplaced?
i have more but i think that's it for now bc its kind of exhausting to talk about. and i guess what's done is done. idk. i'm not hopeless at all. but i'm fearing more and more than the hope i insist on having is childish. but the alternative is complete self-destruction and i have no intention of going down that road again. so childish hope it is.
#idgaf if no one reads this i just needed to post it in a place where i thought it wouldn't really generate that much noise#fortunately none of my family or friends voted for trump. so i haven't had to have any hard conversations yet regarding that#but i still don't want to talk about the election in general with them because we're all pretty upset about it#anyways. probably going to log off for a while because the only thing i really talk about on here is sports#and all of my sports are going badly at the moment anyway#and i'm busy and finding it hard to focus with everything that's going on and i think tumblr is just pissing me off too much at the moment#not that people are doing things wrong but i'm just finding myself getting more and more reactive and i don't think that's a good mindset--#to be in when participating in an online community#i guess my point is when i say i'm going to log off its not some sort of dramatic move or anything#i am just trying to consolidate my mental energy#obviously the stress of the situation is just making me more reactive than normal and i don't know how long itll take for me to cool down#i also think i've found that tumblr tends to tank my mental health sometimes because i get too comfortable doomposting#which is like the opposite of what i should be doing right now#so again i think i just need to screw my head back on before i decide to dive back in and pretend things are normal#anyways. sorry. yeah. its been a long couple of days
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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gyuys im gonna be less active both here and on discord until. idk how long bc i dont have electricity at my house rn 😭
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yeah i feel really silly and lame for being so hype over a fictional character but like. if i wasnt. i would be loosing it to the horrors of life
#i have normal therapy in the morning but also the fact that the car had something ELSE wrong with it#and dont know how much more/less itll be now#and if we'll even have the car back this week lol#im also almost out of all my meds so im like. cool. awesome. wow#i would just have them MAILED to me but my insurance doesnt cover that so#ill take being silly over anime man rather than. something else#yappin
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bday tomorrow huh



#not having a 'getting older n doing nothing in my life im such a loser' moment yet but that could still happen tomorrow#more just not looking forward to attention being on me all day tomorrow. throwing up 👍#itll be all abt me n thats so fucked man#what kinda leo am i aldjdkh thats one of the things i hear theyre supposed to be into lol#n im being dramatic ill like. survive#trying to stay feeling normal n not bad abt it#🤞🤞🤞#ohh n just remembered that sometime after my last bday was when my friend group started falling apart#n is now to the point where i can only hang out w any of em individually#n i had this thought back then like if id agreed to get together for a bday thing for me it wouldve been probs the last time id have been#w em all together#n its not like i could have predicted All This happening but it feels bad anyway#p
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uh oh! one of your organs has mysteriously vanished! Spin this wheel to find out which one!
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smh
#listen my awesome and swagger right. we know.#i ended up not letting my mom know beforehand and just. walked in#and she didnt notice for a few seconds which was awesomeee bc i got to see her face change its was funnyyy#BUT. my first point which is really minor: they arent bruising yetttt#which is technically good ik but alsoo... boringggg =3=pppp#i was partly paranoid about the bruising beforehand which is (so far!!!!) all for nothinggg. but its finee#sillyposting#but my second!! ive been relatively. out of it since i got them.#like its been a while since ive been noticably dissociated and itssss..... =3=#i know itll be fine. i know ill get used to things in like a week to a month or so. and i can handle it.#its just also.... weird to experience life normally. which is ironic to me.#like internally all my thoughts circle how people think of me now and put SUCH a highlight on them#like if i were to visualize myself right now actually 90% or my body would be my eyebrows.#and. its weird that. i need to recognize that this is NOT. how people see me.#like sure its probably 'weird' to them whatever etcetc but also literally nothing else about me changed to them.#which is really really hard to see internally. im constantly surprised by how normal things are because. i changed?#shouldnt things also change? hm#whateber ik its just mental stuff etcetc I KNOWW. but its still annoying.#smh youre telling me i CANT. make a body-altering decision without noticing effects of it?#but then again part of the problem is there NOT being effects. WHATEBERRR#i do like them =w=bbb its very cuteeee#im excited for the days to go back to when internally i do not see myself as just a set of eyebrows and actually.#have like facial proportions etc. thatd be nice.#:3c anyyay im sooo swagger#anyway todays other struggles include overstimulation from a party outside. and having to let responsibility land upon my grouppartner.#scary.....#=w=bbb
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