#its 1 am and i dont know whats wrong with me im so scared

[songofthestarrs]

.

[twipsai]

^this is me when someone respectfully disagrees with me btw

ANYWAYS! pls dont take this as me arguing in a mean way or anything, i love Sonic a lot!!! and i like talking about it and i think you bring up a lot of interesting points!!!! so im gonna go over it all in maybe a not super cohesive way???

i wanna start by acknowledging what you said at the start, "the wording of the second bolded point echoes IDW Sonic's wording of his principles in IDW #2 that Amy swoons over" and clarifying that i was referencing It Doesn't Matter from sa1 and sa2,,, (the full lyric is "Don't ask me why; I don't need a reason / I got my way, my own way!), and the reason why i alluded to it is because i was trying to make that connection that Sonic still has the same basic principals that he did during the adventure era, but i guess i wasnt clear enough oops ^^; i honestly completely forgot that theres a reference to that lyric in idw #2 but,, uh, happy accident i guess?

ok now onto my actual thoughts

i actually wanna agree with you on that first part, cuz as i think about it its something that makes a lot of sense and i havent really been able to fully wrap my head around it -- Sonic being reactive to whats in front of him is exactly how he is!!! idk how i didnt realize that before lol

as to what you said to my first point, i think that theres a level of dissonance between the games and comics with the threats theyre dealing with, and it kinda prevents me from explaining myself with examples. this MIGHT be a reach!!!! im sorry if it is BUT im gonna compare satbk and frontiers for a sec, since we're talking about satbk a lot here (as we should. its such a good game)

(and im not sure if youre lumping in Sonic in IDW with Sonic in Frontiers? a lot of people do but. idk maybe you dont lol. for the purposes of my point i will)

i think that there are parallels to be drawn between how Sonic treats Merlina and Sage, vs how he treats King Arthur and The End. he has a lot of patience for Merlina and Sage as he realizes theres a lot more to them besides just wanting to kill him, but he'll still take what they throw at him like he takes anything else. then you compare that to Arthur and The End, and Sonic is like. ready to destroy those guys. and i think that, while Sonic is first and foremost just living in the moment and reacting to what people throw at him, i also think that theres a huge difference between when Sonic is fighting a person and when Sonic is fighting a powerful entity. granted, he didnt know that King Arthur was an illusion, but he did know he was an immortal tyrant associated with hell. i mean. the underworld

i would love to use an example from the comics showing how he does treat similar scaled threats the same way but i. cant! because he doesnt face threats like that in IDW! hes dealing with things like "the dragon is back" and "that girl has psychological issues". the only thing that comes close to the world-ending threat that we see in the games is the metal virus, and it was both a lot more complicated than typical "defeat the bad guy, save the world" that we see in the games. now, that does NOT mean i dont think the games have complex stories but if i delved into every situation Sonic has been put in then we would be here for so long. and i dont wanna do that. so yeag.

basically to sum up my points above, im saying that the reason IDW Sonic has been pretty lax with his enemies, and even tries to help some of them, is because theyre not really the same level of threats as most of the villains he faces in the games. he can deal with them fine without ending them outright, so he doesnt really have an issue with letting them live. hes just kind of easy-going and chill like that. at least thats how i see it, maybe im missing something?

also, to your point that "Sonic doesnt fight for freedom, he fights against oppression" i just. do not agree lol. i mean, hes been associated with the Freedom Fighters since 1993, but theres also some more direct reference to it in reference to specifically Sonic

the Sonic Adventure Stylebook, page 9 (translated) - "He loves freedom and hates crookedness. He is impulsive and short-tempered, but also has a kindness that can't be ignored when someone is in trouble."

Sonic the Hedgehog Encyclo-speed-ia, page 13 - "Sonic is usually laid back and cool, but he's driven to fight injustice - not in the name of the law, but for the ideal of freedom."

and then i WAS going to add more examples, but the wayback machine is down right now so. can i just say source: trust me? sorry i wish i could add more examples :( i dont wanna dwell on this "for freedom or against oppression" point too much though, cuz i honestly think its just kinda arguing semantics. as well as the fact that i feel like both things are true, i just kinda didnt phrase it well in my original post

um. and now i kinda wanna go completely off the rails so please be nice to me but im gonna say something that may be controversial,,, i am of the mind that, because IDW is canon material, then it shouldnt be seen as a different character than how Sonic was written in some earlier games, even if it seems like it. because its just as much as source material as anything else! i really just think that most "out of character" things are more akin to different facets of a character. i think that writing off all of Sonic in IDW because some things he does contradicts what he does in the games is just kinda. idk. i dont like how quick people are to do that. i mean like, i got into Sonic because of IDW, and then i went and played the games and it never really felt any different to me -- just Sonic responding different to different situations. maybe i need to do another read through of IDW! but i really dont think that writing off an entire canon comic series is a good thing to do when looking at the facets of a character's personality. that could just be me

anyways ummmmm yeah i dont really have anything else to say? i dont disagree with everything you said, but there are some things that i dont think are quite right,,, hopefully this all makes more sense than my original post cuz i dont think i did a good job articulating my points

um. idk what else to add. bye bye i hope you at least liked my drawing of a super sad alien

"sonic just wants to be best friends with his enemies"

WRONG thats only in the idw comics. extremely loud incorrect buzzer.

[lnqr]

Heart In the Wrong Hands - Chapter 3

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A/N: Definitely didnt take me 2+ months to write a new chapter... NOPE! But its double the length of the last chapter.

anyway heres chapter 3 :) I originally wanted this to go really slow but I think its going to be a faster paced story purely based off the fact that im struggling to find the motivation to write all the world building and slow stuff. I WANNA GET INTO THE GOOD BITS.

Still dont have a schedule but will try to update more regularly.

Also I made an Ao3 account so if anyone prefers to read on that plat form, click here

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Start - Prologue

Previous Chapter - Chapter 2 

Read more? - Master post 

Warnings:

Time-period typical sexism 

Mentions of past domestic abuse (from chapter 1) 

Cannibalistic thoughts 

Thoughts of past murder (From chapter 2)

Swearing

Please be careful with what you read. You are responsible for your own media consumption

Word count - 2643

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~ Y/n Pov ~

“Is this satisfactory Virgil?” You force a shaky smile onto your face. Hopefully he buys it, hopefully he thinks it's okay and you'll be let off the hook lightly. You had rinsed and scrubbed for at least 3 hours, your knees ached from the hardwood floor. 

Virgil narrowed his eyes and carefully examined every single inch of the white suit coat. 

“This is acceptable I suppose. But only because you have other jobs to do.” He carelessly tossed the coat aside and onto the floor. He would no doubt make you clean it AGAIN. 

“The kitchen and living room need cleaning, the bed sheet needs to be changed, we need clean laundry and dinner needs to be cooked. Oh and groceries, we need more bread, milk, eggs- you know what I’ll just be merciful and write you a list,” he waved his hand dismissively before walking off to the kitchen.

Well at least he’s not leaving it up to your memory this time. Usually you would be given a verbal list of 10-20 items and he would always complain that you didn't get him this, or forgot that even though you were 90% sure he hadn’t asked for it in the first place. 

When he finally came back he was holding a loooooooooong list. The paper dragged across the floor and your eyes followed it from his hand down to the ground. 

You were in for a long shopping trip. 

~ Alastor Pov ~

Alastor strolled down the streets of New Orleans seemingly unplagued by the night's prior events. On the exterior he was the definition of prim and perfect. Hair straightened to perfection, back straight and arms tucked behind his back with his chin held high. 

Inside, however, was a different story in its entirety. 

He couldn't shake the feelings from last night. They were foreign to him. Fear was not something he felt, it just wasn’t. He wasn't scared per say, more so concerned, protective.

His mind had played a trick on him, he had seen you. He knew he had seen you. But it wasn’t you, so why did he keep worrying? Why did you plague his mind?

Interesting…

Alastor sighs and is about to take a seat on a bench when he notices a woman. 

Oh, isn't this a treat

~ Y/n Pov ~

The streets were rather empty at the early hour. You were strolling the streets, list in hand and counting the egg cartons in your bag. Two. They only had two and Virgil had asked for three. That wouldn’t do by his standards and you knew that well, but the best thing to do was gather all the other groceries in hopes to dampen the blow. 

You pulled the list out from your pocket and mentally checked off the items you'd already gathered. All you had left was… some beef and veal from the butcher, and some potatoes, sweet corn and tomatoes. Not too much but, you'd been up since 6am and had stayed up till 2 am cleaning Virgil's jacket. Least to say you were exhausted. 

“My, what a delightful surprise, Y/n wasn't it?” came a familiar, smooth transatlantic accented voice from behind. 

Now where have I heard that voice before…?

The voice sounded rather empty, as if it usually had an filter or soemthing over it.. static? Radio! It was the voice from the radio, what was his name..? Albert? Al… Alastair? Alastor! That’s who’s voice it was. 

Sure enough when you refocused and turned around you saw the man you had met the night prior waving at you with a charming smile.

“Well don't keep a man waiting for a response dear.” he replied in a tone far too chipper for this hour of the morning. How did he have so much energy?

“Ah, sorry, good morning Mr Alastor.” You smiled at him absentmindedly. He seemed to be in a far better mood than Virgil, then again that wasn't exactly difficult. 

“And a lovely morning it is. How are you doing on this fine day?” He grinned, leaning forward slightly towards you with his hands clasped behind his back

“Oh, I’m fine, nothing special. Just the usual.” You responded and the subtle eye twitch you didn’t notice would’ve told you he knew otherwise. He had heard the abuse after all, and it didn’t escape him that you walked with a slight limp. 

He leaned in further raising a brow and looking down at the list in your hands. 

“quite the list there. Is this all for that insufferable fiancé of yours?” This time you did notice the twitch of his eye. It didn’t surprise you that he wasn’t fond of Virgil based on their interactions the night prior.  

“Well, yes. It’s the least I could do for him after spilling the wine on his coat like that… I’m not even sure what knocked me. Doesn’t matter though it’s still my fault.” At your words Alastor’s seemingly ever present smile seemed to falter a little. You couldn’t figure out why. 

~ Alastor Pov ~

Oh the poor girl. Had I known he’d react like that to her I wouldn’t have pushed her..

What? 

No, surely that wasn’t right. Of course he would’ve. Why should he care for this girl? He wanted to annoy Virgil, get under his skin (metaphorically and literally) and if this girl was a way to do that…

“Say darling, may I accompany you on your endeavours? I’m sure it must be quite dull by yourself” he said and without even waiting for an answer he plucked the list out of your hands before you could even register his question. 

“Seems you have quite the long list for the man. Say, have you got the meat yet? I need to head to the butcher as well for my own meals.” (Although he much preferred hunting his own) He chuckled as you blinked and opened your mouth to speak before clearly changing your mind. 

“Wonderful! I’ll lead the way. Have you been to Creole Cuts? They have a fine selection of meat there-“ 

~ Y/N Pov ~ 

Finally coming out of your confusion you looked down to see the list Virgil had given you was no longer in your hands. When you looked back up you noticed Alastor was walking away with YOUR list in his hand as he eccentrically waved his hands around as he spoke about… butchers? 

Clearing your mind enough you turned to chase after him, not running (because that wouldn’t be proper) but still walking decently fast. 

“Sir? I believe you have something of mine. Could I… have my list back?” You managed to stammer out. Your hands shook slightly, still gripping the heavy shopping bags. You were speaking out to a man… surely he wouldn’t respond nicely but you had to, if you didn’t get the list back then you would surely mess up Virgil’s order and he would be even angrier. 

“No need dear. I shall be accompanying you so I will hold onto the list. Besides, you have heavy bags already.” He spoke, not even facing you nor offering to help with the ‘heavy bags.’

“But-“ 

“No buts, I have made up my mind and will be joining you. Now as I was saying..” he continued to speak but you tunned him out. God this man could talk, but you supposed he needed to to work as a radio host. 

With a sigh you followed him, simply listening as he talked about his favourite butcher. It wasn't your regular one but that was alright, any would do. What would not do however, is to be seen with him so openly in public. You just had to hope that since it was early morning you wouldn't be spotted. He hadn’t exactly left you with any other options. 

Were all men this insufferable?

~~~~~~~

This man did not stop talking for even a second. You had long since lost track of what he was saying, too focused on his voice. 

What?

His voice? 

Why were you so…. Mesmerised focused on his voice?

“Ah, just in time for opening. Well get the freshest there is. Come along now,” Alastor's cheerful voice broke you from your spiralling thoughts. Probably best not to dwell on it. 

You followed him into a brick building with a wooden sign above it, ‘Creole Cuts.’ Creole hmm? Well that would certainly explain the colour of his skin. 

“Alastor! My friend, it has been far too long. Where have you been?” a short plump blonde woman called out to him. She was seated on a tall wooden stool behind the counter but hopped down and made her way around to give Alastor a hug which he reciprocated. 

“Mimzy, darling! It really has been a good minute hasn't it? I've been around, busy with my radio and other hobbies.” his small wink didn't escape you but you didn't question it. “And what about you? Hanging around ol’ Rosie’s shop are ya?” 

“Well after her speakeasy got discovered a few days back the lady needed a place to stay and some cover. Least I could do for an old friend. Sides, she's great company,” said another woman who came out from the backroom, carrying a few bags of meat in her hands. She was tall but not quite as tall as Alastor. She had a wide brimmed sun hat atop her head despite being indoors and hiding most of her short blonde hair. 

“And who might this little lady be, Al?” asked the first one, who Alastor had earlier addressed as Mimzy

“Ah yes! My apologies. This here is Y/n” Alastor spoke as he walked around to your side and placed his hand on the small of your back making your body tense at the strangely intimate touch from a man who is mostly a stranger. “She's the fiance of my boss. Met her last night at some fancy party at the Callahan manor. The poor doll was sent on a shopping trip with a list the same length as this building. So, I kindly donated my time to accompany her on her errands.” he spoke as if this was some charity work. 

“Oh dear. Well what's on the list I can provide?” spoke the tall blonde woman who seemed to be the owner. And Alastor had said this was… Rosie’s shop? So… Rosie, her name must be Rosie. 

“Oh! Yes, can I grab 2 beef sirloins?  And a veal cutlet please.” you asked and started reaching for your wallet. If Alastor wanted to chat with these people then he could go right ahead. You however, did not have time for that today, not with the workload Virgil had provided you.

Rosie seemed to be good at reading you and could tell you were in a rush so she simply hummed a nod and grabbed a bag to start packaging your meat. 

“When you’re done with Y/n’s could you grab me my usual from the back?” Alastor asked as he stepped up beside you. 

“Ah, couldn't you get your own last night?” Rosie asked with a knowing smirk. Did this girl have a death wish? Speaking back to a man like that? Had you even suggested Virgil was incapable of doing whatever she was referring to, you wouldn't be able to sit up for weeks. Now that you thought of it, how come a woman was working as a butcher? 

Before you could ask Alastor spoke up. “Such a shame Franklin didn't make it back from the war. Are you still managing alright?”

“Nothing I can’t handle Al. Besides now I own the shop myself and you know how much I enjoy this line of work.” Rosie smiled back. 

Interesting. She must've had a husband who died in the war. Must have co-owned this shop and now with him dead she owned it herself. A strange woman, but respectable. Not many women worked, they just weren't meant to. Much like yourself many were taught to be house wives, the lady of the house, clean, cook, serve. The fact this woman, Rosie, had broken free from that normal was impressive. 

After handing you your requested meats, you placed them in your bag and Rosie made her way to the back to grab whatever Alastor’s ‘usual’ was. If it was out the back and not on display it must be something unique. Then again, Alastor himself was unique from what you knew so far. 

Your gaze landed on the other girl, Mimzy. She was watching you like a hawk, eyes boring into the side of your head. When your gaze met hers you immediately looked away from the intense quizzical stare. 

A few minutes passed and Rosie returned with the meat for Alastor already packaged. You fiddled in your purse for the money Virgil had given you and handed her the desired amount. You couldn’t help but notice Alastor was paying significantly more for his despite the smaller quantity.

Must just be imported or already prepared.

That's what you put it down to and gave it no further thought. 

After the three said their goodbyes, Alastor ushered you out with his hand on your lower back. He pulled your list from his pocket and read through it. 

“What else haven't you got off this list yet? He asked

“Just the produce. I was going to head to the market on Bourbon street. Virgil says he doesn't trust any others” you replied, more focused on his hand on your back rather than his words. 

“Hmm, suppose we’ll head over there then.” he said as he removed his hand from your back. Bourbon street would be busy no matter the time of day and he knew just as well as you what it would look like if he left his hand on your back as you walked. No, rumors would do neither of you any good so he kept his hands to himself. 

~~~~~~~

Buying the produce went surprisingly smoothly. You were both spotted but not by anyone you knew personally. You wouldn't be surprised if the word got around but you hoped that since there was no touching involved it wouldn't form into gossip and reach Virgil. 

You thanked Alastor for his unwanted company and started to head away but he grabbed you by the shoulder and spun you to face him. Your throat went dry as you looked up at him.

“Alastor..?” 

“Surely you don't intend to walk home alone? My car is not very far from here, please, allow me to drive you.” 

“Oh, I shouldn’t thank you though” 

“Nonsense! I insist.” 

You wanted to argue it but ultimately decided arguing with a man in public was far from a good idea. A worse idea than an engaged woman being driven alone by an unclaimed man. 

So you agreed and Alastor drove you back to your house. The drive was spent in a comfortable silence despite the sin you believed you were committing. 

When you arrived Alastor was quick to turn off the car, get out and walk around to your side to open the door before you even had a chance. He extended his hand for you to take with a smile. Reluctantly you took his hand and he helped you out of the car. You thanked him again before quickly retreating into what should have been the safety of your own home. 

~Virgil Pov~

Virgil drove down the street only to see a disgusting sight. His grip on the steering wheel tightened. That black bastard was touching his fiance. His Fiance. 

He watched as Alastor’s hand lingered on yours as he helped you out of his car. Why you had been in his car? Virgil didn't know. What he did know was that you had clearly met with this untrustworthy man without his knowledge. 

This would not do. 

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A/N: For those who ask, I know Rosie wasn't alive when Alastor was, I just wanted to use a known character. I personally dont like using or making OCs.

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Taglist - If you wanted to be added, just comment

@ghostofajinx @sugarcubepop

[cheri-2047]

Lyney x Reader who hates their birthday

A/N: Thought of this prompt since my friend who used to hate their bday's birthday is near. Havent written anything in months so hopefully the quality isnt to bad... CHARACTERS: Lyney, TAGS: Angst with comfort in the end. SLIGHT SH mention (scratches). Fluff. Kissing (in a comforting way) btw I think "Cherie" means love or lovely

3....2....1... "Happy birthda-!...Sweetheart.?" Lyney opens the door to your bedroom at 12 AM, a fresh sweet cake in his hands. The house of the Hearth wasn't far and since he was your boyfriend, you gave him the keys. What Lyney didnt expect to see was you on your bed, curled up under the sheets, tears pouring down your face. "Ah Lyney!" You quickly wipe your face, trying to get rid of the (obvious) evidence. You sit up, smiling as you moved to give him space on the bed. "Mon Cher?" He mutters, quickly placing the cake down on your wooden bedside table. He sits on your soft, cold sheets as he wipes the remaining evidence of your previous emotions. "Whats wrong? Did somebody do something? Why are you...?" He looks worried. He frowns as he watches you struggling to not cry. He quickly pulls you into his warm embrace, patting your head as he does so. He mutters against your ear. "Y/N...You can cry, just tell me why?" He says, wanting nothing but to comfort you. He notices the way your red arms weakly hug him back...smiling at the small gesture. He always loved it when you-....wait. Red? He gently inspects your arms, looking down at them without holding them to not shock you. He see's the small red bumps on your arm, when he realizes what it is. "Scratchmarks..." "What?" You mutter, fidgeting slightly with your sleeve in shame. You averted your gaze from the man, subconsciously holding him tighter in a way to hide the marks. "Mon cher why..? Its your Birthday.." You felt a pang in your heart. Birthday... You thought. You despised this day. The one day meant for celebration only brought sorrow to you. Your thoughts running at a million miles an hour as you thought about the horrors of the day. You dreaded it, which caused you to accidentally harm yourself without even noticing. "Im sorry..." "No." Your eyes widen at his refusal, not knowing what to do and only feeling worse. You refuse to look at him, afraid of the possible look of anger and disapointment. "Dont apologize, no apologizing please...Mon Ange, why did you do this to yourself?" He mutters, holding your arm and frowning at the extent of the scratches. You dont see any trace of disappointment, but only worry and concern for you. "You know you can always talk to me right?" Ah there it was again. The one phrase you've heard multiiple times. They offer help but you cant help but refuse it. You've grown to be afraid of opening up. Scared for being perceived as weak, for the fear that you hurt others with your emotions. You never believed that you deserved a birthday, that you only bring harm to others. You're a bad person. You're a bad person who doesn't deserve anything. Nobody should celebrate your birth. You dont deserve to- "Y/N" He frowns, pulling your nails away from your arm. You snapped out of your thoughts, blinking rapidly at the confusion. "Please stop harming yourself" He mutters, rubbing the part of your arm that you didn't even realize you scratched. He frowned, bringing the scratched part to his lips and pressing a soft kiss to it. "Please talk to me mon cher...Im worried..." You sighed, tears welling up in your arms. You had feared this, you were scared that he would force you to talk. But as you looked at his deep violet eyes, you only saw worry. Not anger.

You snuggle deeper into his warm embrace. Explaining to him that you never felt like you deserved to be celebrated. He listened, he nodded and rubbed your back as you let out your sorrows. He whispered soft reassurances in your ear. "Please dont believe that cherie...Everybody deserves to be born..." he mutters, fixing your hair, his gaze on the cake he placed on your nightstand. "It pains me to think that you're a monster when all I had seen you do is make others smile.... Sweetheart, you're a good person. Yes, we all make mistakes, but we also do good.." He pulled away, looking at your expression to make sure you understood. "We celebrate births because all of us have a place on earth..You weren't- You AREN'T a mistake. You deserve a celebration.." He says, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "Please give me a chance to prove to you that your life is worth celebrating?" Smiling, he pulls away, wiping the remaining tears. As he watches you (hesitantly) nod, he gets the cake he made.

"Can I perform a trick?"

You see him pull out his deck of cards. You nod, curious to see what was happening.

"Pick a card...Any card"

You picked the card in the middle of the deck. You looked in confusion as he got the card from you. He then quickly pulled out a big box from it, filled with gifts for only you.

"Close your eyes..." You follow, letting him do whatever. He then sings a soft, comforting happy birthday song to you. When he finishes, he lets you blow the candle. and gives you the box of presents "I love you Mon Cherie, Happy birthday"

---

(NOT PROOFREAD!!!)

A/N: ANNNND THATS IT HAHAHAHAHAH anyways I havent written in awhile and im actually waiting for a meeting right now so I dont have time to color code it. Im so sorry for taking so long to write, I couldnt find the motivation and genuinely forgot that this acc existed. Thank you all!!! PS: REQUESTS ARE OPEN

[floralhuqzz]

Sexual tension (Johnnie Guilbert x fem reader) smut

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Warning: smut, degradation, choking, petnames, virgin reader,, DONT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18🔞

🦇author: the edit thats in this post is not mine,, all credits to crystalcaskle on tiktok!!! :) I also apologize if theres any misspelled words english is not my first language!

♱

I woke up around 7 am when i decided to make myself some breakfast before i start streaming,, ive started youtube 1 year ago, around that time when i met Johnnie. Ive been living with him and Jake for the past 3 months and honestly its been going pretty good.

“whatcha’ making?”

“oh god dont scare me like that!” i slightly punch him in the shoulder

“sorry sorry.. it smells really good” he puts his arm around my shoulder and i blush.. i had a crush on him since when we first met

“you want some pancakes?” i look at him

“yeah, thanks” he pats my head, making my hair look like a mess

“i hate you” i roll my eyes

“you love me” he laughs as he sits down

‘i do..” i thought to myself

i make some coffee and more pancakes as i sit down next to Johnnie.

“are you doing something after?” he asks me while he keeps eating his pancakes

“yeah..i have to stream right now,, but im free afterwards” i smile

“wanna go out?” he finally looks at me,, he looked so beautiful,, his blue beautiful eyes.. his makeup he forgot to take off before bed that somehow still looked good on him.

“yeah..i would love to” i smile a little

i stand up

“i better go now, ill see you in 2 hours johnnie” i smile as i walk to my room

1 hour later*

i started streaming and i decided to react to some videos that my followers sent me,, they were usually sending edits of me or they will even sometimes send me memes. They all kinda supposed i had a crush on Johnnie, i just didn’t want to say anything just yet. They will sometimes send me edits of Johnnie and see my face turning red.

As one of my followers sent me this edit

When i watched that edit i said something that i will be definitely regretting later

“i volunteer..*cough* i mean what?..” i laugh

“WHAT DID SHE SAY” “DID WE HEAR THAT RIGHT?” “SHE JUST SAID I VOLUNTEER” “TELL ME THAT SOMEONE CLIPPED THAT”

“chat you are all crazy” i laughed

after another hour i decided to end the stream as i said my goodbyes

i walk to the living room as i see Johnnie sitting on the couch looking a bit serious

“you okay there?” i chuckle

“i need to talk to you”

oh no.

“yeah what is it?”

“mind explaining me this?” he shows me a clip of my reaction to that one edit on my stream

"oh um." i blush as i look away

"hm?" he stands up and walks towards me "cat got your tongue?"

i didnt say anything. i just stared at the floor

"i asked you something" he puts his hand on my chin

"it- it was just a joke, you know?" i chuckle awkwardly as i felt like i was about to pass out from embarassment

"it didnt seem like a joke to me" he stares at me

"yeah umm..." i start to walk back as he started to walk towards me, almost like trying to intimidate me

"whats wrong?" he smirks

"n-nothing" i finally bump into the wall behind me

"if you wanted to get fucked by me you couldve just said so"

"w-what?"

"dont play dumb"

"i-im no-" he grabs my neck

"lying to me wont get you anywhere" he stares at my shirt as he starts to put his hand inside my shirt

"j-johnnie what are y-" i could literally feel my heart beat racing by the second

"dont tell me you dont want this” he now started to kiss my neck

i felt like i was literally about to pass out from how hot i was in that moment. i couldn’t believe this was actually happening,,

“come here” he picks me up in bride style and sets up on walking to his bedroom,, he opens the door and throws me to his bed as he climbs on top of me

“fuck,, i wanted this for so long..” he starts to take off my shirt,, i felt hot between my legs

he started to kiss my stomach going down my hips. he slowly took off my pants and threw them on the floor

“johnnie wait!” he stops

“whats wrong? did i go too far??” he looks at me worried

“no no…its just that…its my first time..” i blush

“oh…” he smirks “ill make you feel good alright baby?,, you just have to trust me with this okay? can you do that for me?” he caresses my thigh. i nod as he then continued what he was doing earlier. he starts to kiss my chest going down my stomach, and finally reaching down to my panties.

“can i?” he started to kiss my inner thigh

“mhm” i nod

he slowly started to take off my panties as he then began to slowly eat me out. I’ve never in my life had been touched this way by anyone,, and knowing that the first person to take away my virginity was johnnie, it relieved me. i started to whimper as he suddenly started to go faster. his tongue was reaching all the right spots.

“fuck-“ i whimper as i felt him moan, sending vibrations to my core which gave me even more pleasure. i look down as i see him staring at me as he kept eating me out “johnnie fuck i-“ i moan

“come on baby, be a good girl and cum on my face” him calling me a ‘good girl’ sent me shivers down my spine.

“oh god oh god oh god-“ i throw my head back as i came

johnnie looks at me and caresses my thighs once again.

“you did so good baby..” he gets up and starts to kiss me. I see him unbuckling his pants.

“do you want this?” he asks

“yes…yes i do” i was so turned on by now that the only thing i wanted was him..and only him

“you will have to beg for it or ill leave you like this…needy…and you dont want that right princess?” he smirks

“n-no…” fuck he knew what he was doing. He waits for me to continue

“p-please johnnie..” i whimper as he lined himself to my entrance

“you can do better than that..” he looks at me dead in the eyes

“please johnnie i want your dick inside of me..” i beg,, i felt so embarrassed but turned on at the same time

“thats a good girl” he gets inside of my without a warning as i moaned from the sudden feeling

“for how long you’ve wanted this y/n? hm? tell me.” he began to move

“for a l-long time..” i moan, it felt like i was on cloud nine

He started to thrust harder and faster,, i felt like i was about to cum.

“j-johnnie i-im~” i whimpered and he put his hand on my leg and place it on his shoulder for better access which made the feeling 100 times better

“i know baby i know…fuck y-you feel amazing” he thrusted faster, “come on princess cum with me…” he moaned as we both cummed. We started to breath heavily,, with our hair sticking to our foreheads because of the sweat,, messy hair and red face but he still looked beautiful

“youre absolutely gorgeous..” i blush at his sudden comment

“i dont know if this is the right time but…i really like you..” he confesses

“i like you too johnnie…ive liked you for a very long time..” i smile at him as he kisses my forehead and we both fall asleep in each others arms.

[maraudersoncrack1981]

25 Days of Jegumus - Day 1 - Snowflake

☆ @noblehouseofgay ☆

I know in late but I'm trying to get my love for writing back and I thought this could be fun!! I'll try upload Day 2 soon :3 <3

TW:

•Mentions of Walburgas A+ Parenting

•May not make sense as again, this is just me trying to love writing again/get better

•Our favourite homos

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Regulus sat in the astronomy tower, scarf wrapped around his neck and gloves clinging to his hands as he watched the snow fall. Tomorrow would be the day everyone goes home for the Christmas holidays, including him. He'd be back in that same old house, with his same old family, with their same old values.

With their same old abuse.

Whilst other families will be spending Christmas cosied up by the fire, opening presents, and having fun with loved ones, he'd be going about his day like it was any other because how dare the thought of celebrating a filthy muggle holiday even cross his mind. He has and never will be aloud to celebrate Christmas.

Just as Regulus was about to start moping some more about how much he was dreading tomorrow's train ride, the door to the astronomy tower burst open, making Regulus jump and let out a small squeel, and who other than James Fleamont fucking Potter to show up at a time like this huh?

James'face lit up at the sight of him, "Reggie, hi!" he said in that dumb angelic voice of his whilst wearing that stupidly gorgeous smile that he hated.

"What do you want, Potter? im busy!" Regulus said, eyes glaring trying to scare him away.

James looked at him, smile fading into a worried frown. "Is everything okay Reg..? What happened?" James makes his way over to Regulus, his eyebrows creased as he looked down at him, taking Regulus' hands in his. Regulus took a shakey breath.

"O-Of course i am?!" He stuttered, trying to keep up a cold act. "Why would it matter to you Potter, its none of your business!" He spits, again trying to make him go away. He was starting to get emotional now.

"Not when you're so clearly upset! I know you, you're gonna pretend like nothings wrong and try to get me to leave you alone, then you're gonna be up here for the next 4 or so hours upset out of your mind. So tell me Reggie, whats wrong?" James stated, still holding Regulus' hands gently. He began to tear up. How could James know him so well?

"I dont want to go home for Christmas" He lets out in one breath. Eyes tearing up at the thought of spending another Christmas without his brother; cold, sore, and alone.

"I-I hate it there James! If one word comes out of my mouth if ive not been spoken to i get hexed! The abuse was bad when Sirius was there but ever since he left its just gotten worse! Im scared to breath to loud around them James!" He breaks down, tears now spilling out of his eyes from all the built up pain and hurt he hasnt let out for the past 3 years.

James pulled him into his chest and held him closely as Regulus wept, holding on tight. "Shhh its okay..." James comforted.

James pulled away and held Regulus' face in his hands, wipping away the tears as best he can, and James' eyes lit up with an idea.

"Come home with me." He spluttered out, Regulus' gave a shocked expression, not expecting such a proposition.

"B-But- I cant! They'll come after me James! Dont be so nieve! If they find me theyll hurt you!" Regulus panicked, how could James think of such an idea?! it would only make things worse... right?

"Think about it Reg! Christmas with Sirius! And me of course but thats besides the point... and even if they do come looking for you we wont let them take you! Trust me Reggie" James says, looking into his eyes with hope and very poorly hidden excitement. And for somr reason, he does trust him. He sniffs and lets a small smile cross his face.

"I suppose... its not the worst idea your brains came up with..." Regulas says, slightly teasing. James lets out a laugh as a huge grin plants itslef on him. Something small, white and fragile catches james' attention, his eyes slowly following it before it lands on Regulus' red cold nose.

"A snowflake..." James murmured, a look of pure adoration in his eyes looking at the smaller boy who was trying to see the snowflake before it melted.

Regulus let out a small laugh before meeting his gaze. He gave a soft smile in return.

"Thank you James"

"Its my pleasure Reggie"

[thebunnynurse]

shoutout to my #1 supporter mari

TW SUICIDE AND SELF HARM TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no matter what you have always supported me. even when i dont support you on your vent posts (i get too scared but trust me if i knew what to say i would be immediately conforting you and being a good friend i just dont know how) or on anything that seems important/personal to you, you are always there for me. youve made me feel seen in more ways than one.

when i was having my moment a week or so ago when i was getting no attention and having a breakdown over it, you suddenly sprug into action and spammed me with love and attention. you commented under my vent posts i made at the time and made me feel better. i even cried because i was so thankful for you and your support. i genuinely appreciate it so much.

as of right now, you commented under my post about those assholes. you booed them. then when i posted about my parents finding them, you cheered.

youve supported me ever since we became moots. i feel better when i get a notification you posted or that you liked/rebloged a post of mine. i know you havent left tumblr, havent left me. honestly i dont know where i would be without you and your support.

ive had thoughts about suicide since 4th grade and i thought that i would end it when i got into middle school. now im on the summer that will take me to 9th grade. i havent killed myself. a lot of it is thanks to you (of course others too, but this is about you). sure, im thinking about others when i think about commiting, worried about how they will react. i then think about you. i wonder, "how will my moots, mainly thebunnynurse, feel about me dying?" and suddenly i dont want to die anymore. i want to live.

you also seem to have perfect timing. whenever im having a breakdown on tumblr and im getting closer and closer to harming myself, you suddenly appear and make me not do anything to myself. i come out unscathed from my breakdowns and its because you come to pull me out of the hole im digging to bury myself in.

thank you, mari. thank you so much. youve taken care of me even though you are on the other side of the screen. youve kept me safe even though you cant even get to me to take things away from me to save me from myself. youre words keep me from doing horrible things to myself. thank you. thank you for supporting me. ive genuinely been cleen for months now and im not planning on harming myself anytime soon, especially not with my blade. im not touching that thing anymore. youve helped lead me away from self harm only with your comforting words. thank you so so so so so much, mari. im genuinely so fucking grateful that you came into my life when you did. i dont know if i would still be alive without you. thank you.

- everyones favorite, max <3

Im going to be so honest this made me cry. I never thought that id be able to impact anyone to be honest and I kind of thought my existence was meaningless. Im so grateful that I was able to helpful and am incredibly grateful to have you as a mutual and friend. Seriously I love you so much! Im so so so glad that I could help you stay safe and happy and im kind of at a loss for words. This is genuinely one of the kindest things ive ever heard. And I also just want to say that you absolutely deserve every bit of praise ive given to you. You are incredibly sweet and funny and im so happy I was able to find you on here. I wish I was better with my words so I could tell you how much you mean to me in better detail but seriously youre amazing and this message made me so so happy! I hope you can continue to take care of yourself and if anything goes wrong feel free to message me. I may not reply immediately but my dms are always open! AHHHHH THIS IS SO SWEET WAHHH 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 1 MILLION HUGS FOR YOU 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

[justalunch-blog]

☆Jungwon☆▪︎ Mafia Leader is My Savior? Chapter 2

Synopsis: Am i really that disposable? that pathetic... yeahh... maybe... Im lost and broken beyond repair...

Pairing: Jungwon×fem!Reader

⚠️Warning ⚠️ list of disclaimers below: Domestic abuse trauma Bullying angst some fluff descriptive S/A (sexual assult)

Note: This is a book series i wrote on wattpad that im transfering over. hope you guys enjoy🫶

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

Word Count: 2696 ct.

Authors pov

Y/n and Niki sit in class. They are both paying attention. Niki looked over to y/n and had to take a double take when he noticed her face being on full display. She lifted her bangs with her hand so she could see. He never noticed how long her eyelashes were. She looks so perfect in glasses to him, her rosy cheeks and natural pink puffy lips that pout when she is concentrating on writing something. But.. wait… what's that on her eyebrow- It looks almost like a scar. He gulps before quickly turning back to the board before she can notice his stare on her.

I have yet to see her smile-

I hope- No niki stop- y-you shouldn’t be thinking like that about her, we are friends, and i don’t want to ruin that. Niki thinks to himself as he looks back at the board. He shakes the thought off his head. The bell rang soon after, signaling it was time for lunch.

Niki pov

It's lunch time~

 signaling its half way through the day.

I see y/n heading out of the class, "Hey, wait for me," I call out to her.

"Okay, hurry," She says with the same stoic yet slightly happy look she gives.

I really wonder what her story is... she is always so sad, sometimes she would come to school slightly limping, but I'm too scared to ask what's wrong, I dont want to lose my cool in front of her. But I desperately want to know. The only time I saw her genuinly happy was, when we saw a kitten on the sidewalk that walked up to her, she gave off a small smile that I only got 1 second glimpse of, it quickly faded. "I wish I could keep her," She whispers sadly. "Why not?" I recall asking her. "My parents. wont let me keep her, " she says, pausing for a second. "I'll keep her for us," I say happily, knowing my hyungs wouldn't mind if i have a kitten around the house. "Are you sure?" She asks me, looking up at me. It's hard to look into her eyes since her hair is always in the way. "yeah i'll keep her for you," I say, holding the kitten in my hand. “Thank you, niki," she says with the same small smile that only lasted a second. I recall as we are walking to the cafeteria.

"You okay, niki?" she says, looking at me with concern in her face i can tell she's arching her eyebrows in a worried expression, her bangs slightly move up when she does.

"Yes, I was just recalling that time we were together, and we saw a kitten." I say.

"Oh? how is she doing, by the way?" She asks in a cheerful tone.

"She's doing pretty well. She's grown a lot. You should come visit her," I say to her.

"Are you sure I can come over? " she asks with a stoic yet excited tone in her voice.

"Yes, of course, just have to let my roommates know," I say happily, knowing the guys would love to meet her.

Also, I should tell her about my secret, she deserves to know. Jungwon is the most known mafia member, I'm not that well known yet. I'm so young and a little more new to the big role, so it was easier for me to keep it a secret.

"Okay, please tell me when you're okay with me coming over, just not today, I work," She informs me.

"Okay, maybe another day then," I say, the curiosity hits me.

"Wait, I didn't know you had a job! Where do you work!?" I say in a dramatic, surprised look.

"Umm, niki, i could've sworn I told you, but i work at Jangmi(rose) Coffee bar," she says with an are-you-serious tone.

"oh sorry i must've forgotten," I say, scratching the back of my neck in embarrassment.

hmmm maybe i can have the rest of Enhypen meet her somehow~

y/n pov

me and niki make our way to our table together. Before I saw Eunchae sticking her foot out for me to trip over.

wow- she is not smart at all...

but the fact that she thinks we are gonna walk past her is funny.

We made a turn 2 tables before hers and sat there. Once we sit, Niki lets out a snort.

"she really thought-" He whispered and started laughing. I lay my head on the table and chuckle a little.

"i know," I whispered, giving a small smile. This was very funny to me.

"You should smile more often," Niki blurts out and gives me a small smile.

"Hehe, I'll try," I say, a bit emberrased.

《 after lunch》

Me and Niki head to our classes for the rest of the day.

Currently, I'm heading to my art class. Which haha, to my surprise… I have the class with Eunchae. I quickly take a seat in the middle of two classmates, Chaewon and Yuna. So that Eunchae doesn't get the chance to sit next to me to bother me. I let out a sigh of relief. I'm not scared of her... i just hate getting into arguments with people like her, i dont like giving them the pleasure of getting me upset.

The class starts, and just then, Eunchae walks in late. "Miss Eunchae, try not to be late next time," Mr. Jung scolds her before she shruggs and takes her seat.

I then get the urge to go to the bathroom, I excuse myself from class and head to the bathroom. I quickly finish my business and get out of the stall. "Hmm, no one can save you from me," I hear Eunchae say in an intimidating tone. I looked over to her a bit surprised. She walks over to me. I dont say a word.

"Stay. Away. From Niki!" she warns.

"youre no one to tell me who to hang out with," I growled.

"Are you sure about that," She says about grabbing a fist full of my hair, but I swat her arm out before sliding to the right to get away from her.

"Leave niki alone! He's mine!" she yells in annoyance and stomping in frustration.

"No, he's no ones' property," I say to her, I chuckled before leaving her.

ugh, i really hate her.

I go back to the classroom and go back to my seat. I continue to pay attention to the rest of the lecture.

《 after school 》

School is over for the day. 

The bell has rung, and I'm on my way out. I head to my locker first, putting my things in, and taking my book bag out.

I am ready to go to work. But I'm not excited to go home.

I head out of the front door that I came in through and make my way to the Café.

I walked and listened to music on my earbuds, keeping me calm. I smiled to myself, I rarely smile. When I work I have to force a smile but if it’s not necessary I would rather not. I dont feel happiness a lot, 99.7% of my life is sadness, crying, anger, and frustration. I wish something good would happen to me for once. I feel so unlucky… I want to dissapear.

I made it to the café, "y/n!!!" I hear the manager call out to me.

"Hi Jihyo!" I say cheerfully. This is Jihyo, she's my manager, but also like a second mom, a caring mom. She knows everything about me, including my parents' beatings. She hugged me, but I winced in pain due to the preasure on my still sore and bruised body. She quickly pulls away and looks at me, "baby, your face, your pretty face," She says cupping my face to take a closer look, if you get close to my face you can see the bruises on it, i'm pretty sure she noticed it, she examined my face and started to tear up.

"Jihyo unnie, not here" I whisper to her.

"What did i tell you? Call me, eomma," She says before I drag her with me.

"Yes, Jihyo Eomma," I say in defeat.

She beams happily, letting the tear escape her eyes.

"Y/n you have to report your parents for child abuse," She says stirnly with her arms on her hips.

"I- i know" I say looking down.

"i will Eomma," I say looking up at her a bit hesitant. Because... deep down i'm scared, i'm scared they will do much worse when I do report them.

"Promise you will the next time they do or else I will report them!" Jihyo says in anger.

"Please calm down," I say, hugging her tightly.

"I love you jihyo, thank you for caring" I say, squeezing her lightly.

"I love you too, as soon as you leave your parents i will help you get an apartment, or you can come live with me," She says happily.

"no Jihyo Unnie, i dont want to impose.”

"I told you to call me eomma," She says, crossing her arms.

"Eommaaaa" I say whining and rocking us back and forth.

"fine, fine ill just help you find an apartment," She says, kissing my cheek.

I hissed in pain, "sorry, sorry," She says, worried about me and holding my face, making sure I'm okay.

"I'm okay, I’m okay," I say.

"Alright alright, let’s get to work," She says once she hears the bells signaling customers have arrived.

There was a family that came in with 2 toddlers.

"table for 4?" I asked them with a small smile.

They nod before I take them over to their table. "Here you go" I say and hand them the cafe menu.

"Unnie, pweitty" The male toddler says, making the female toddler look at me. She smiles at me, making me smile. "Yungho, dont bother the nice lady," the mom says in surprise.

"Also when did he learn that," The father asked, confused, making the wife laugh. I look at them laughing together.

I wish this was my family...

"ahh, ahh" I hear, making me snap out of my daydream. It’s the little girl. "she wants you to carry her," The father says. I smile awkwardly, "um is it okay with you if i do?" I ask.

"Yeah, it's completely fine," He says as the toddler starts giggling.

"Hi baby," I say in a baby voice.

She then lifts my bangs, making me surprised, since it's the side where I have that ugly scar my step father inflicted on me when I was 13. Just, then I hear the bells of the restaurant ring.

oh another custo- i look at who came in my bangs still being away from my face. My mouth was a bit agape at who I saw entering the Cafe, J-Jungwon. 

The atmosphere is a bit thick now that he entered he looked at me, his gaze was on me for a while, no expression on his face, but my heart fluttered. I broke eye contact to look at the child in my arms.

"go back to your father, so i can get your guys' order," I say with a small smile leaning to give her dad his child back.

"mmm noo" she protests.

"whats your name sweetie?" i asked her curiously.

"Yeji," She says cutely.

"Yeji, why dont i bring you and your brother a cookie if you go back to dad?" i whisper to the little girl. she nods in agreement.

"sorry for that, she's very outgoing and when she likes someone she wants to get picked up by them," The mother says apologetically.

"don’t apologize, she's a very sweet girl," I say with a small smile once again.

"alright i’ll let you guys choose, while i take care of the other tables, okay?" I say they all nod.

"and i’ll bring that cookie i promised you, Yeji," She smiles happily and i smile back.

"oh- before i do, does she or Yungho have any allergies?" I ask to make sure.

"no, but thank you for asking," they say with big smiles. I bow and go to the kitchen to get the two cookies for them.

"y/n" I heard Jihyo say.

"Can you take care of Jungwon's party?" she says nervously.

"sure," I say, a bit nervouse

I quickly walked back to the family's table and handed them the cookies.

"We still need some time," The mother says.

"okay let me know when you guys are ready, or let Jihyo over there know, okay?" I say to them, to which they nod in response.

I then walked to Jungwon, the mafia leader's party.

I force a smile on, not getting too close to them. Jungwon kept a stoic face the whole time.

"table for 7" He says sternly, making my skin form goosebumps.

"wheres-" when i was about to ask, 6 other handsome men walked in.

wait-

is that-

"hi y/n!!" Niki says happily waving with a small excited jump, making the other member look at him weirdly.

leave it to niki to make a mafia gang look unintimidating.

"Niki?" I question, almost not recognizing him covered in a luxorious clothing and wearing sunglasses.

"wh-" I say before I interrupted myself.

"sorry, let me take you to your table first," I say, going back to work mode.

Niki pouts before following us.

Still keeping my distance from them.

"Here is your table," I say pointing at the longest table in our restaurant.

They all take seats, "hi y/n nice to meet you, I’m Sunoo" He says with a small bow and a cheerful smile.

"Uhh" I'm not able to form words…

"Hi, im Heesung," Heesung says with a smile, and a wink.

I look at him a little weird.

"I'm Jay, Niki talks about you quite a bit," He says. I look at niki.

"what- you’re my only close friend in school," He admits making my heart feel warm at him considering me a friend too.

The introductions go on, i get slightly close to the table, now that i'm more comfortable. A small fly was flying around me and it landed on my cheek making me rub my face to get it away, in the process i smeared my makeup off, but I forgot about it since I was too nervous in front of the mafia gang to really click things together or think for that matter.

They all looked at me confused. I see Jungwon's expresion change from nonchalant to concern and anger.

"Is everything okay?" I ask them.

Niki walks over to me reaching to touch my face, I flinch in the process, "Sorry, y/n I didn't mean to scare you," he says with sympathetic eyes. "Is that a bruise on your face?" he says, examining my face. I widen my eyes, "wh-"

"Tell me who did this to you?" He says in a very angry tone making me flinch again.

"And your arms," he says, reaching for my arm making me flinch, but continues to hold it gently.

"Don't worry I won't hurt you." He says softly.

"This wasn't from you trying to reach for books at the library was it?" He continues to question.

"Your make-up must've worn off when you were working," Niki continues to point out, as tears slowly start to fall from my eyes.

"Tell us what happened?" Jungwon finally spoke, getting up from his seat, his voice creating butterflies in my belly that I have never felt before. I snap out of my trance.

"fuck my i--" I didnt know what to say and i sped off to the breakroom near the back. feeling emberrased, and trying to find an excuse.

I started crying, crying becaue I was so mortified, i dont know if i can look at Niki in the eye anymore. I dont want him to get involved, risk getting him hurt.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎ •○●•°▪︎○□

[goldswirl]

hii im thinking on coming back to tumblr to post random art and some stupid stuff!! also btw my discord is goldswirl !!

sometimes i do stuff without noticing..

it became a habit i wish i never got, if you notice i do something wrong please correct my mistakes and ill do my best to get it together, dont be afraid to tell me, ok? lets goo!!

a half scene core, half nostalgic gal, half cutecore.. but mostly the silliest randomest gal ever, and im proud to say so!! no judgemental peeps allowed in this blog!! <3 im stuck in my childhood and present day!! as you can tell, i love magical girls and some silly cartoons bc.. why not!!

shorter fandom list ! pretty random stuff dont mind my silly autistic self :3

BASICALLY ANYTHING MAGICAL GIRL RELATED!! (especially the silliest ones, mermaid melody, madoka, ojamajo doremi, precure, jewelpet, rainbow bubblegem, and a few older shows like sailor moon, akazukin chacha, saint tail, and a lot more magical girl shows !!)

bfdi

tiny toons (i dislike the reboot tho TwT)

(used to be into ruff ruffman, but i got uninterested :( ill draw art every once in a while tho!!)

fhfif

regular show

ed edd n eddy

Dandy's World

MHA

SML (old jr >>>)

kindergarten the musical (ik ik, childish but kat and ellie are my comfort characters in the show!!)

spooky month

full house (i loved it when i was younger and i still watch it and make fanart sometimes!! I love the theme song <3)

I still like dolls but who’s gonna stop me xD

that’s surprisingly less comparing the disaster of a fandom list i used to have >w>

more about me!!

14 year old artist who is turning 15 this year! (september 3rd 2010 is my bdayyy)

a twice fangal!! sana is my bias rehehe

animator creating her own magical girl series, which is kinda a mix of Jewelpet and Ojamajo Doremi, called Powerful Pals! It is getting rebooted since it is outdated. if u wanna watch it, here’s my stupid silly little yt channel!!

comfort characters: too much of a list, but just know that its hard for me to hate any character! BUUUUT i am prob one the biggest ojamajo doremi, ruby x flower x lollipop, cure peach is my fav precure and #1 pop (fav ojamajo, very close second is doremi) fans so ye !! >w>

💕✨

sassy little witch gal

dni: gr00mers, p3dos, etc etc, you know what i mean.. hopefully im scared if you dont.. jk! just dont be problematic and stuff like that <3

i support most furries, therians, lgbtq, agere (NOT AGE PLAY!! theres a difference!), etc!! as long as its not a kink (age play is a kink). again, i believe it is fine as long as you aren’t sexual.

(sexual stuff is gross and unacceptable in this blog. take that away from me, a minor. pls.)

now have funny bfdi stuff :3

[nicegaai]

im attempting my fic reread today. im announcing this bc i will be liveblogging to keep my morale up, NOT THAT anyone cares but i personally need this, like ill only commit to do the thing if theres an imaginary audience holding me accountable. & i like to have fun :3

anyway. captains log, its a beautiful sunny july weekend. i just finished my morning coffee, and, i am dreading this so much. i dont like rereading my own writing but i shall get over it. ok here we go.

Þetta Reddast vagueblogged directors commentary edition

Ch 1:

*opens fic and starts convulsing immediately* god i wish i smoked weed rn. i cannot chill out ever for the life of me

My Mission For Today Is: to remember what plot threads I’ve left hanging so I can resolve this story properly. And also try n remember where the flow is going. I have the end plotted out, I just am a little lost … it’s been a while :-(

------------

Abrupt beginning!!!! I’m not mad because I have . I HAD. Almost no writing experience when I started this. it isn’t ideal but I refuse to be one of those fanfic writers that starts rewriting early chapters without finishing the last ones. Ive never seen one of those types actually finish a longfic. …I’d already rather yap than actually read LMAO AHH

Oh this is worse than I remember. thats cool that s great ok alright *coughs up blood*

"20 somethings" WOW I really did not know where I was going with this when I started huh

LKJSDLKSJDLGKGDJSLDGJK ??? Who authorized this. Who let me cook. What the hell

I could write this better now. I could edit this into something beautiful. <- devil on my shoulder

FORGOT I WAS MAKING RICE BRB

"generously offered nothing to the exchange." wait STOPPPP. I’m so funny

GRAMMAR ERROR DETECTED why is there two periods. I’ll be coming back to fix that …………………. :-(((

Fuck. This is a lot. Marge Simpson Hiding Her Face dot Png

Oh this is stupid this is gayyy this is fukcinnn . Who fucking did t his. What was wrong with me,. This is so good actually. what was i ONNNN. 

Im gonna throw up and I don’t know if thats like/. A complimentary thing or if im just cringing that hard . Im feeling emotions. I love my OTPs..OT3~5? I love them so so much

Ok as much as im like “eww bad writing” this is .. dare I say, rly good in places. Not to suck my own dick but maybe all hope isnt lost and imposter syndrome is an illusion

Grammar mistake #2. Goddddddd. they should ban me from the archive for this

EMILLLLL EMIL EMIL EMIL HIIIIII BABYYYY EMILLL I LOVE UUUU AWWHUUGHH everyone clap for my bewoved baby bruvver right FUCKING now

Urghhh gritting my teeth… Im fully expecting the flow of events to start not making any gd sense. There’s no way this came together the way I hoped in my head and .... For real I was never able to read this all the way thru. this is my first time, lol. and it was all disjointed on the authorial end to say the least. Im scared T-T

Jlxjvklsdkjfsjlkdkjlsjklkljzsdkjlgaskljdgjklasljkgdljkasljkdgjklasjlkdgljkaskljdgjakl?????????? 

Im not liking the ratio of dialogue to whatever the other stuff is. scene-setting I guess. prose maybe. i could have dragged this out way longer... By which I mean made it a more satisfying read. But WHATEVER !!!! 

TIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIMOOOOOOOOOO NUMERO UNOOOO DO MUNDOOOOOO I really need to utilize him more. As soon as I finish this fic I need to write a Timo POV spinoff where he gets cancelled on furry twitter for proshipping in real life

Hmmmm chapter ending didn’t hit as hard in practice as it did in drafts. Oh well. God damn that was a lot to happen in one chapter LMAOO???

OH SHIT MY RICE IS STILL COOKING —— 

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[lnqr]

Heart in the Wrong Hands Chapter 3 Teaser

I’m making a promise to you all as well as myself…. Chapter 3 of Heart in the Wrong Hands chapter 3 will be up by the 20th of April.

A/N: I am yet to finish it but I have started. I feel horrible for leaving you all with nothing for so long, SOOOOO here’s a teaser of what I have done so far.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Start - Prologue

Previous Chapter - Chapter 2

Read more? - Master post 

Warnings: 

Mentions of Abuse from chapter 1

Surprisingly thats all the warnings for the teaser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please be careful with what you read. You are responsible for your own media consumption

Word Count: 388

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Y/n Pov ~

“Is this satisfactory Virgil?” You force a shaky smile onto your face. Hopefully he buys it, hopefully he thinks it's okay and you'll be let off the hook lightly. You had rinsed and scrubbed for at least 3 hours, your knees ached from the hardwood floor. 

Virgil narrowed his eyes and carefully examined every single inch of the white suit coat. 

“This is acceptable I suppose. But only because you have other jobs to do.” He carelessly tossed the coat aside and onto the floor. He would no doubt make you clean it AGAIN. 

“The kitchen and living room need cleaning, the bed sheet needs to be changed, we need clean laundry and dinner needs to be cooked. Oh and groceries, we need more bread, milk, eggs- you know what I’ll just be merciful and write you a list,” he waved his hand dismissively before walking off to the kitchen.

Well at least he’s not leaving it up to your memory this time. Usually you would be given a verbal list of 10-20 items and he would always complain that you didn't get him this, or forgot that even though you were 90% sure he hadn’t asked for it in the first place. 

When he finally came back he was holding a loooooooooong list. The paper dragged across the floor and your eyes followed it from his hand down to the ground. 

You were in for a long shopping trip. 

~ Alastor Pov ~

Alastor strolled down the streets of New Orleans seemingly unplagued by the night's prior events. On the exterior he was the definition of prim and perfect. Hair straightened to perfection, back straight and arm tucked behind his back with his chin held high. 

Inside, however, was a different story in its entirety. 

He couldn't shake the feelings from last night. They were foreign to him. Fear was not something he felt, it just wasn’t. He wasn't scared per say, more so concerned, protective.

His mind had played a trick on him, he had seen you. He knew he had seen you. But it wasn’t you, so why did he keep worrying? Why did you plague his mind?

Interesting…

Alastor sighs and is about to take a seat on a bench when he notices a woman. 

Oh, isn't this a treat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well thats all for the teaser. As promised I will have chapter 3 up by Sunday the 20th.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone last time asked for a taglist so if anyone else wants to be added to it, let me know.

From now on im only going to be tagging in main chapters not teasers, mainly becuase i dont plan on posting teasers unless I'm taking a very long time

@ghostofajinx

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

ALSO. HIIII good evening <3 holding microphone up to u. i would love ur scion thoughts post-interlude!! if u have any!! i know u have Opinions on him i wanna know how the redstringing's going!!!!

OH DUDE I HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY FUCKING OPINIONS. GOD. WHAT THE FUCK . WAS NOT EXPECTING 2 LEARN THIS INFORMATION WHEN I WAS TIPSY ON CLOWN WINE AT MIDNIGHT BUT ALAS HERE WE FUCKING ARE I GUESS. CASUAL WORM READING EXPERIENCE. FUCK

okay okay okay oka. that interlude was so fucking good it both answered some of my questions and also gave me SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS. as soon as kevin started talking about being the most powerful man in the world i KNEW. i KNEW it was gonna be some scion bullshit. at first i thought it was gonna be like some... witch from beauty and the beast bullshit where he Was Actually scion just. posing as an eccentric homeless guy out of costume. which would have disappointed me i think because i am so dead set on scion Not Being Human.

WHICH. I FEEL SO STRONGLY IN MY HEART THIS CHAPTER SUPPORTED SO WELL. when they described how Simurgh first appeared floating motionless over a city. dude. dude. my first fucking thought with that was "hey that sounds like what people say about scion." he doesnt speak. his face never moves. hes extremely powerful, so far the only person powerful to drive away the endbringers. he's GOTTA be the same type of thing they are. not human, never was human, but for some reason he Looks Human. like... simurgh does too, but shes still huge and has weird proportions and the wings. scion as far as i know is normal sized and looks mostly human besides being gold. i havent figured that out yet

having a LOT OF FEELINGS about . the whole reason scion does what he does is because some miserable man with a heart of gold told him to. side note i reallyyyy really got attached to kevin i liked him a lot :( that brings into question SO MANY fucking things about the endbringers. this is full on mac ghostiezone game theory moment at this point but. i dont know where they came from, but it seems like at their first appearance they were... susceptible to orders? and this just happened to be an extremely lucky right place at the right time moment. I cant even imagine a world where scion wasnt a "hero" and was instead a force of destruction like the endbringers. which brings up the question... did anyone else try to talk to the endbringers at their first appearances? i cant IMAGINE anyone would willingly go near leviathan or behemoth considering their more monstrous dangerous appearance . but what about simurgh? im acting on the assumption that the endbringers are some sort of Creation and i dont know what their purpose is but either option 1: someone DID talk to the other 3 and it was someone with extremely bad intentions and gave them the orders to become what they are now or option 2: nobody said shit to them and theyre acting on base instinct????? idk. im viewing the endbringers more like. animals or natual disasters than anything and i dont know if thats exactly correct to do but its how my brain works. so.

the big difference between them is that... scion acts with a Goal, where the endbringers seem more like forces of nature that dont really act with any sort of. purpose. simurgh is the exception to this though since she went out of her way to obscure the information about power origins from reaching dragon and also the way she acts makes it seem like... she Knows something. i dont know i still have sooo many questions.

im REALLY worried about whats gonna happen now that kevin gave him the new order to kill. im really worried its gonna be like a monkeys paw situation where... maybe one or all of the endbringers will die, but then what the fuck does he do after that. come back to whats her name (is it lisette?) for more orders? theres no guarantee lisette will be anywhere near as. idk. selfless? as kevin? that feels wrong. idk. she seemed scared of that situation and didnt want the responsibility placed on her so what if she avoids it and never gives scion any other orders???? will he just fall back on old programming and start killing other "bad" things???? is THIS how the fucking apocalypse starts. this has gotta be connected to the apocalypse in some way i can feel it in my bones. scion with kill orders makes me feel crazy.

[xiaovein]

uhhmmmm what was the flowore again . 🌺 nnnot this one vut the ask game flower

LMAOOOO ok sorry for laughing its the sunflower emoji :heart: The shiguang 1.2k word fic in my documents is staring at me as i open up a new doc to write this im actually quite scared to accidentally delete a draft and lose whatever insane madness i was writing

i am going t o talk about xia fei who was surprised who cheered di d you know i think shes transfem

give me a moment im going to yap

for the uneducated, i will summarise link click withthis tweet i stole. sorry im lazy

the arc im going to talk about is bridon arc . you can just call it yingdu its okay. yingdu is the prequel to season 1 and 2, where cheng xiaoshi is trying to find his missing father from a clue he left behind. anyway cheng xiaoshi and lu guang fly to some europe place called bridon (i genuinely dont know if this place is real i do NOT take geography i am a science student i love science)

in case you forgot which one is which the white hair guy is lu guang the black hair guy is cheng xiaoshi. i will call them lg and cxs for ease of convenience

anyways. im gonna just say it. xia fei is supposed to spy on cxs and lg. shes getting paid by a ugly purple hoe called liu xiao. id like to mention that she is a university student who is not in a great financial situation btw. she took up modelling as a side gig but it treats her like shit because she nearly got drowned ON PURPOSE during a photoshoot. her boss vein is probably a cannibal too. can someone save her from the horrors. and she got accused of sleeping with her boss im gonna kill people im srs

anyway xia fei befriends lg and cxs (xia fei gets drunk and yaps about her horrible job and then they run away from a drunken mob together) xia fei offers to help them get a lead on what their looking for while spying on them and reporting back to liu xiao

a couple of days after spying on them cxs tries to get a lead on his dad through xf’s boss vein. and since they don’t have enough money to pay vein they just have to do a photoshoot with xf because they fired the guy she was supposed to do it with. anyways the guy who was fired comes around, insinuates xf has been “using her connections” or whatever to get ahead and lg absolutely CLOCKS that guy and defends her. id add a video but i can only add 1 vid per post so sighhh

lu guang also says he was “just stating facts for a friend” and xia fei looks shocked. shocked that the guys she’s supposed to spy on seems to consider her a friend. the photoshoot happens and they have fun which is great.. i’d like to point out xia fei’s smile, actually. it’s sincere and genuine, as compared to the smiles she’s put on for photoshoots and whatnot. it’s small and it’s beautiful and is REAL. and she turns away with an expression that i cannot accurately read but she’s clearly upset. upset that she has to betray these two. this is clearly where she wants to be — with friends who appreciate her beyond her fame , the first friends (i assume in a long time) who aren’t using or abusing her, and she has to betray them?? oh my gourd . 

i cant find very good pre-existing clips i just screen recorded it

note the difference between xia fei's smile in that clip vs the one she had for photoshoots n shit

i don’t know if it’s too clear in what in’m writing but i feel like xia fei is being used a lot throughout yingdu. most notably i think she’s being used as a pawn by liu xiao, who pays her to do her job and spy on them. im not quite sure though? honestly i think i could be wrong . i’m also 90% sure she’s being exploited in her modeling career.so obviously this would be fairly significant. a breath of fresh air if you will. 

that evening she goes to liu xiao and says she’s going to quit spying on them. when cxs and lg go back to china, xia fei is reported to have been missing.

i think about it a lot actually. i figure she had a feeling she knew liu xiao was going to pull something if she pulled out, but she just couldn’t stand betraying her friends anymore.

not much is revealed about xia fei yet, but i get the sense she’s lonely, shes tired, and she desperately longs for a genuine human connection, genuine friendship. i miss her so bad id hug her if i could. my princess who deserves better. 

(And when i say not much is revealed about her yet i seriously mean it. We only vaguely have a sense of what her work is like, and we dont know about her family situation much – theyre only mentioned in a phone call to her parents. Theyre edging me. Theyre edging me. It sucks.) 

link click honestly isn’t shy about covering heavy topics. there’s stuff like possessing your mom to kill your dad who also ends up killing your mom. so honestly i would not be surprised anymore if xia fei turns out to have some heavy messed up backstory. 

sorry for getting a bit emo halfway she makes me sad a little bit 🥹i like her lots

shes so gorgeous i am her number one fan ignore the shitty quality

also the character previews for bridon arc are Fun i really like liu xiaos and veins one i dont know why maybe its because they’re freaks. i dont know what im saying anymore. did you know the op and ed for yingdu are so good in terms of animation & music.

peak i tell you PEAK PEAK PEAK. peakest shit ever,. i love my link click live. im srs., i love xia fei i love yingdu even if it makes the timeline super confusing. i love my xia fei life

sorry for making you sit through a rant about a media that doesn’t have a single fat man 🤷 nothing is perfect okay i’m sorry if this sucks i am not super good at analysis this was probably extremely surface level . i reserve my analytical power for analysing the semiotics of the packaging of a tissue packet

[angrycloudcrown]

~ PINNED POST ~

yeah idk how pinned posts work go easy on me

here's my pronouns page

Fandoms

★ The Music Freaks (All time fav!!)

★ The Disastrous Life of Saiki K (2nd Fav)

(Please talk about TMF or TDLOSK to me. Or honestly just talk about them in general. I'M BEGGING AAAAHHHH)

★ Heathers: The Musical (songs are all BANGERS)

★ Ride The Cyclone (sugar cloud solos!! <3)

★ Sanders Sides (virgil kinnie...)

★ Doki Doki Literature Club (just monika.)

★ Amanda the Adventurer (horror enjoyer at times)

★ Mia's World (webcomic by Mogry331)

★ Cuphead (both game and show)

★ Andy's Apple Farm (horror enjoyer at times part 2)

★ Don't Hug Me I'm Scared (there's 3 of us—)

★ Undertale (sans and papyrus best duo)

★ Be More Chill (do i really have to explain this one?)

★ The Amazing Digital Circus

★ Five Nights At Freddy's (ive been a fan for years how have i never put this in my fandom section. anyway horror enjoyer at times part 3)

★ Kindergarten 1 and 2 Games (DanTDM'S playthroughs got me, great game)

★ Riddle School

★ Baldi's Basics In Education And Learning

★ Nerdy Prudes Must Die

★ My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (not in the weird way. just. just the normal pony show way)

★ Hazbin Hotel (im a bit disappointed for caving and watching the show, but oh well)

★ Pokémon (more specifically the anime, but I am in love with the games too)

★ Steven Universe (the 2018 fandoms never leave, they simply linger)

★ Avatar: The Last Airbender

★ Parappa the Rapper

★ Stardew Valley

★ Ramshackle (ily all, indie animated series)

★ There Is No Game: Wrong Dimension

★ Friday Night Funkin' (getting freaky on a friday night yeah 💥)

★ The Amazing World of Gumball

★ Bistro Huddy

★ Night At The Museum

★ Ouran High School Host Club (HARUHI!!!!! <3)

★ The Outsiders (book only, havent seen movie nor musical)

★ Shadow Children Book Series

★ The Henry Stickmin Collection (genuinely. love the games so much oh my god)

Goddamn my fandom section is getting long

★ From Bureaucrat To Villainess: Dad's Been Reincarnated! (LOOK. LOOK. i know it sounds cliche but the manga is good and its getting an anime too trust me on this. AND NONE OF THE CHARACTERS ARE CREEPS!!! ITS JUST WHOLESOME!!!!!)

★ Arcane (ive never acknowledged league of legends but damn this show is good fr)

(more to be added can't remember them all off the top of my head but these are the main ones I like and interact with)

Basic Info

you can just call me "ash"

use she/her may change, idk???

im aroace and i dont know what gender i am (i mainly identify myself queer)

if you interact/follow and i see anything on your blog relating to you being racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, pedophilic, proship/comship, or literally just anything related to being a bigot, im not arguing with you, i will block you without hesitation

(blogs with excessive genuine kink/sexual content will also be blocked, not cause theyre problematic tho, its just one of things im personally uncomfy with)

i don't mind being tagged in posts, but i might not respond immediately :')

i stand in favor of palestine. 🇵🇸

(please do NOT be weird in my askbox.)

Sideblogs

@speedydestinydream - my sideblog for the gacha series "The Music Freaks" by Rosyclozy

@tdlosk-confessions - my sideblog for confessions about the fandom or series of "The Disasterous Life of Saiki K" (both manga and anime obv lol. only one moderator and it is me)

uhm

that's it!!!

I'll add more later lollllll

[abyssfmpfikvp6]

anyway for the past few days ive been thinking (wow i can do that! not braindead enough yet) (lomg post ahead. kind of a vent? actually why am i side noting that of fucking course im yapping up a vent this is MY post)

identity is a weird thing, i think. i mean i struggle with that shit on an insane way because What do you mean i act differently in this area when i act differently elsewhere. what does that make me then? what is my neutral? am i just an animal adapting and copying and pretending to fit into others? what sets me aside? what is the one thing about me that i never lose no matter where i am?

its the fact that i cant really think of anything in response that scares me alot. im not really that unique. im not exactly the best to be around, im awkward and struggle to keep up conversation, i forget things ridiculously easily and i dont think of people very well. ive been called asocial a stupid amount of times and it's not really wrong lol. i hate being around people 99% of the time, and even that 1% is just if im in a good mood or if im conditioning myself ("if i get through this moment i'll do something i enjoy"). people have asked my family an awkward amount of times if i were disabled or if i had something mental going on. (and one of them even happened to be a close family member. i hope she chokes on her own hair and dies. whatever)

anyway! sometimes i just feel like those color changing lizards. mm. i forgot the name but they have really cool eyes... im not really that interesting. i hate mirrors. i cant recognize myself in them, and i cringe at photos. i have almost zero confidence when it comes to anything im not specifically interested in. im terrified of social interaction that lasts for longer than 10 minutes, and even that's a really long time. i understand things really slowly and i dont have the best grammar either. i hurry things alot in order to make up for how bad i am at things. i also hurry my words alot. im not really talkative.

i could go on and on. i just suck, end of story. but im not even bothered from all this. kind of. well i am! but that's not my current point. my point is... this is all directed to me. its about me. its me. im writing these. but who is this "me"? who is the one that keeps going "i ..."?

i dont know. and among everything that i hate myself for, that's the one that sticks out most.

i also dont really know why im hating this me person so much. they're not really me. i know that. they cant be me. not with all this hate in my heart. someone should hate themselves like this. i know. i know i know. its wrong. something is wrong. i just dont know what. cant figure out.

is it weird that i feel odd speaking of myself like this? "i", "me", just... im just... someone? im just one person? i talk to myself too much that it feels like im not really one person sometimes. but i dont really trust the voice in my head either. i think thats me? i cant tell. i dont know who i am. maybe that is me and im just confused. maybe im not me and thats the correct me. maybe that voice is an impostor. i dont know. i dont like them. i like them at the same time. when i panic they calm me down sometimes. when i panic they tell me everything else i should be panicking about sometimes. sometimes they're the one to make me panic. sometimes they love me. sometimes they hate me.

is that actually me? is it me? can that be me? can i love me just like how i hate me? can i be actually happy with myself? will i ever be?

i dunno. it sucks. i hope itll be ok soon though. i hope ill be ok soon. i hope everything will be ok.

(sometimes i say "we" instead of "i" and that feels normal. sometimes we say "i" instead of "us" and that feels normal. we're not sure what normal is. im not sure what normal is. it feels wrong to type it down. i dont know who it is. who is it? me? you? who? haha

i dont know if this is what im actually feeling, either. i adapt alot. if i think i dont fit in, i change myself. and i change and i change and i change. i turns into we and we turns into i and suddenly im dragging every piece of me down a path and im not really sure if we're going up or down but i pray there'll be light at the end of this road because there's too many of me's in here to carry and im really really tired of trying to figure myself out. i just wanna be me. can i just be me, please? will i let me be me?

sometimes figuring things out about me is really easy. when i first learned english and about pronouns, and then about being queer later on, i thought... i really like those pronouns. they/them sounds cool. it feels like i'm just a bunch of weird little creatures in a jacket with no certain identity so it's just them. she/her always felt like a loose shirt on me. i pull it up and its uncomfortable somewhere else, i let it go and it's just odd. i never realized it before, until i did that change. i've never used he/him pronouns, though. never considered it actually. lately, i have been. i've been thinking about gender identity a lot lately. i mean, i like that one neogender? i think that's the umbrella term? it was like, cluttergender i think? its a gender identity that's like, your gender is too messy/cluttered to understand. i thought the term sounded like a messy toybox. thats what it makes me think of anyway. if that doesnt make sense just google it if anyone's seeing this shit lol

anyway, ive never questioned how masculine terms would feel on me. i mean, im biologically feminine. it never came to mind despite being already queer/bisexual (i thought i was pan at some point, but no, i love me women more wont lie)

i still think i might be something akin to agender or nonbinary because there's something wrong about this thing and while i Know labels arent needed they're just to better understand ourselves and its best to be unlabeled if its too much to think about but DAMMIT i WANNA have a label. i NEED something down about me that's actually normal and understandable and correct and just. ugh.

i just wanna be understood to a degree.

as i was saying, ive been questioning masc terms alot lately. ive been wondering if i might be trans even lolll.... i have doubts but im not helping any allegations really

like, i try not to let my world views get in the way because men do get treated differently in comparison so i try to keep that out of my mind because it's not actually an advantage to be a man youre also just human its just that this world sucks and thinks it is but it ends up happening anyway so

sometimes i do think id be happier if i were born a guy, like i REALLY do.

but i dont really... mind the current me? i mean, its not bad. im me. i think. im not helping allegations as i said

but man... i wish there truly was a third thing.)

i forgot what i was talking about, im tired. this is longer than i wanted it to be. goodnight. maybe ill repost to continue later