#ive noticed that i just give up now and dont put in much effort

[giveme-allofthat-ultraviolence]

I was thinking about killing myself again last night and I was gonna go on this whole ass vent trauma dump thing but I was like oh I’m being a bitch again I’ll just try and suck it up and sleep it off

[legrzybek]

messy poorly worded ramble thhat ive been writing inmy drafts for a while bc i felt thr need to explain shit but i dont wantto continue it anymore sojust have it atp its still missing some things and context but idgaf anymore

its.mostly abt like early postforsaken thhey slowly get better later kinda yhea but a lot of thsi still stays as underlying issues

tw for sh and suicide/suicidal ideation

two time/breeze:

filled with horribly intense self-hatred, resenting themselves for everything they did. actively suicidal. they believe they are unworthy of life after they have failed both the things that were most important to them - their beloved and their religion. they have given up on living completely, wishing for nothing more than to disappear. they feel forced to stay alive.

they do not take care of themselves at all, severely neglecting hygiene and eating. very violent towards themselves, frequent self-harm; cutting, scratching, hitting themselves. sharp tools have to be kept away from their reach. they do not care about any pain caused to them - including everything azure has done during forsaken. they would let him harm them again or even kill them without hesitation, because that is what they think they deserve.

they have lost all hope for themselves and believe they will never get better. very uncooperative when offered help and/or affection, they do not think they deserve any & feel extremely guilty recieving it. they try to purposefully push him away. they're horribly afraid that one day, they're inevitably just gonna repeat the same mistake and destroy this man all over again. they do not understand why he even wants to be near them at all & are convinced he would be better off just letting them go. they're blind to the fact that they're already hurting him by doing all of this.

azure:

terrified of himself, of his new body & appearance. constantly plagued by thoughts of turning back into an uncontrollable monster. he is scared and hesitant to even touch them, fearing that he will accidentally harm them. he does not fully trust the hat yet, either.

he's even more terrified of being all alone again; abandonment issues nd shit. he does not want to lose them and his stubborness will not let him give up. he is trying everything he can to keep them alive, while they do not put in any effort in return. it's breaking him and eating away at his psyche, yet he hides how miserable and hopeless all of this makes him feel in fear of only worsening their guilt. he gets horribly panicky when they're out of his sight, imagining all the worst scenarios to come back to.

he tries to convince himself that they're what they think they are - an irredeemable lost cause, the one who's at fault for all of this - but he just can't. he knows this is not true, not what he believes. part of him hates that he still cares, that he cannot bring himself to resent them anymore. everything that happened has utterly destroyed them, and it's evident. they're a broken shell of the person that he used to know, yet he so desperately wants to save them, even if that seems impossible. if he just left them to die now, he would never be able to forgive himself.

my god itsso corny and ass and its all just based on bullshit headcanons andmy stupid ideas of whatthese characfers are like im soryr ifeel like im making the ship too 'sanitized' in a way azure doesn't even hold a grudge towards them anymore Yes he does in forsaken he was confused and shocked thhat someone he trusted so much would betray him lije that buthe eventually starts to notice tgat somethignis wrong that tgere must be more to thisand he just wants to talk to two time buthe cant andi feel like immdoing smth horrid here and taking a part of his characteraway especially witg the notion that 'azure would never forgive two time' 'the happy ending for azure would be letting go of them' buti just hate that sm im sorry imso sorry i cant see it I cant see him still hating them and ifeel like im conveying some fuckjed up message that lol you HAVE to forgive the people who hurt you if its not their fault that tyey did it or whatever i feellikr im takin g thr message about letting go that toki saidwas smth based on thhier own experience And taking all that away in favor of some fuckign stupid slop because i care about fictional characetrs mpre than real people immfuvkign horrible im sorry And im justmakingbtwo time a fuckignhelpless depressed baby that canr do shit by themselves andim fuvking.just using tgheir mental illness and shit as a crutch to forgive thrm and saytheyre innocent and tgat itsnot their fault im so sorry but i just canrblame them for their actions Ever thhey.djdtt want to do it im just coping atp Ohmy god im makign eevrythign abt azuee so reliant on two time too evenin his fucking section theres just so much yapping about two time idont fuck8gj deserve to write anythignabout these characters imiust fukcing everything up

[justablogger234]

Earlier post that ticked me off

So earlier today I saw someone (obviously a byler) say that el needs to be on her own. That if mileven is endgame or is supposed to be endgame that we dont understand her arc. Adding that to one of the dumbest takes ever list obviously. But honestly, why does el need to be independent? She was technically independent for 12 years in a sense if you think about it. And by independent i mean alone, no love, no warmth just loneliness and abuse. So tell me morons, why on earth would a young girl, a "frightened traumatized little girl" a young teenage superhero might I also add, why should she be independent and have no love life?

If anything with els history and lack of love, you people should be supporting her decision to be in a relationship. El needs and deserves all the love in the world she could possibly get? Your baby will already had friends and a brother and mother all his life who clearly proved they'd do anything for him. But lord forbid the traumatized female who might I add again saved his life many times should be alone just because certain people want her boyfriend to leave her just because her brother is gay and also suffered (but not like her).

Does this mean that el who grew up with a lack of love should have less of it? And will who grew up with tons of love should have more of it? Does that make sense to anybody? El had already proven she knows what romantic love is and she's already proven who she wants to be in a relationship with. And plus el is already independent enough, I don't know if anyone's noticed but that girl clearly does whatever she wants to do. She wanted to get back at mike for lying so she dumped him, she wanted him back and got him back, she wants to kiss him in her dad's house and she does, she wanted to go out and see mike at school even if she wasn't supposed to and she did.

Does any of that imply that el is anything less than independent? Now obviously she has to abide by certain rules that are put there to keep her safe but the girl really just does what she wants. People forget that she literally hitchhiked to Bloomington to find her mother and then to Chicago to find her sister and then went right back to hawkins to go and save her friends. And she did it ALL BY HERSELF. Sounds real independent to me even if she shouldn't have done it alone.

I just dont understand why she should be on her own. For what purpose is that? The girl can save her town, her family snd friends, the world, she can literally survive being hunted by the U.S government and the upside down element but you're telling me she's too mentally behind or not emotionally ready to have a boyfriend?

Make that make sense please? All this stuff just proves how much these morons hate el and want her out of the way, way to suport your female characters guys. And another thing i wanna point out. Joyce can have hopper, max can have lucas, nancy can have Jonathan, Robin can have Vickie, but el cant have mike? Everyone clearly wanted max to get back together with lucas while she was suffering and being quote un quote "independent". So what's the deal with that? Utter hypocrisy.

Anyway, sorry for the long essay guys, these idiots just seriously tick me off. I wanna start posting alot of positive mileven stuff cause I know ive been posting alot about these idiots and im sure they get a kick out of it ( the same way I will when byler never happens).

These guys dont deserve our attention or efforts so we shouldn't give it to them and that's what im gonna try and do.

Keyword TRY.

[rainswept]

you ask for Fontaine brain rot/reqs, I deliver.

So idk if you've done the recent archon quest and lyney/lynette story quest so if you haven;t be careful caus i will be spoling !

SO

That part where Lyney is freaking out over Freminet and Lynette had me SCREAMING especially since ive done their story quest AND ALSO FRIENDSHIP 10 LYNEY SO I HAVE THE LORE AND IT HURTS SM but I won't spoil all that for u-

so anyways, i started thinking, imagine Lyney has a lover who's been with the siblings for years (and also works for Arlecchino) and is considered another sibling by Lynette and Freminet. They were also diving with Freminet when they encountered water from the primordial sea

now imagine clorinde can only take one person with her at a time when she pulls them back, and she saves Freminet first, later going back for Lyney's s/o

Eventually Freminet wakes up like he does in the quest, but the reader just.. doesn't. Hours pass and the siblings are freaking tf out because they don't want to lose anyone.

(now I can't decide if I crave angst or if I want to comfort my babies so ill give my headcanons for both shiguegoe)

angst: Lyney's lover keeps deteriorating, parts of them gradually turning blue and quite literally withering away (caus you know the water and the dissapearances- yeah-) and the siblings can do nothing but watch

Lynette shuts down more frequently and for longer periods, not even saying anything to Lyney

Freminet blames himself for not noticing sooner, for not getting them out sooner

And then there's Lyney.. he blames himself for not only putting his siblings in danger, but losing his lover...

He sits by their bed watching as they wither away, holding their hand. He knows Father will be upset by his lack of comitment to the mission but he can't bring himself to care

The day they pass, no one says a word. They continue with their mission, report to Father, go on with their Fontainian lives until they're alone and they cry. they cry and scream and curse whatever archons or god's are listening.

AND NOW BEFORE I CRY THE HAPPIER VERSION

After days of not waking up, they finally open their eyes.

Lyney is fretting over them asking if they know where they are, who he is, what happened etc

now to throw in a tidbit of angst, what if they awoke with some disability? like they cant see anymore, they can't hear properly, cant walk properly etc

Lyney and Freminet would devasted because they blame themselves. Lynette would be quick to remind her brothers at least everyone is alive.

It'd be bad because with a disability, they can't work for Father anymore, or at least not the way they used to

AHHEOGUHEOG im stuck in a neverending brain rot my guy

Anyways. I was actually going to request for you to write your own take on this but you don't have to if you dont want- even just hearing your take would be nice lmao

also if its ok i reallly wanna be mutuals! I just found you blog and im obssesed!! I really wanna be friends<3

NO BECAUSE I SCREECHED SO LOUD MULTIPLE TIMES READING THIS !! THANK U SO MUCH YES OFC I WANNA BE MUTUALS/FRIENDS!! genuinely absolutely made my day to have u ask that oh my god??

also don’t worry about spoiling anything for me, i’ve read every little bit of lyney/lynette/freminet lore out there 😭 and i’ve done all of the new fontaine archon quests already (i need help. it’s okay though!)

as for angst — u know me so well already this is my forte. cracks knuckles here i go

freminet feels as if something is off.

already beginning to panic, he turns to you in a hurry. the water swishes in his ears. when you meet his gaze, wide-eyed, the gut ‘feeling’ turns into a full-blown punch to it. oh, now he realizes; he can’t breathe. his heart’s racing, chest tightening and throat feeling as if it’s closing up.

you reach out, and exchanging unspoken words, you two turn around and make to retrace your patterns with haste. hand in hand, you race against frittered time; but even your best efforts are not enough, and the both of you are forced to acknowledge it when freminet’s vision begins to turn spotty.

he got in the water first; he’s gone before you are. his body floats limp beside you as you drag him along through the water, even as the surroundings grow hazy for you, too. a cold tingle runs up your spine as you consider the possibility; is this the end?

(when you had left for the pipes, the most you had exchanged with lyney was a quick kiss on the cheek as a goodbye. that wouldn’t do.)

but even as you try desperately to cling to life .. the “sea” is a cruel thing, and it does not care for your mortal frivolities. (a proper goodbye? .. foolish.) with cold, disorienting water enveloping your senses from all sides, your only grounding thing being freminet’s (rapidly cooling) fingers against yours — it didn’t take long before you succumbed to the “sea”, too.

(your last thought as the world went dark was “i’m sorry.”)

(even in your barely conscious state, you feel another wave of panic surge through you when freminet’s fingers slip away from yours — but you don’t have enough energy to hold on.)

reader lives:

the incessant thrum of the water rushing through pipes rattled in your ears. your whole body was sore, weak and tired; and all of your limbs felt like lead attached to you via shoddy workmanship. your head hurt like hell, and what’s worse is that the moment you opened your eyes, you were immediately met with the sight of the three people you cherished most.

first, there was freminet, who was sitting on the bed opposite to yours. his posture fixes from a slouch into proper the moment he spots you, perhaps in.. excitement? shock? you weren’t sure. his eyes lit up, though.

second, there was lynette. she was .. a bit more on edge than usual. that was .. to be expected, of course, but really. you were out for.. what, an hour or two? come on, all four of you put yourselves in danger all the time. what was different about this?

(what was different was the fact that you were not out for an hour or two. no, make that days. they were sure to remind you of this.)

then, there was lyney. for him, the world seemed to stop.

lyney, who was pacing the room in sheer desperation. he walked and walked, boots timed and in tune with the clocks and dripping water from the pipes. in his nervousness, he had unwittingly created a quite fitting melody.

(the only sounds once he ceases walking are the clocks and the water dripping from the pipes.)

lyney, who had rushed to your bedside the moment he had noticed you were up. he looked exhausted, but the second you were awake the mask was .. attempted .. to be put back on. however .. it didn’t take someone as observant as you, or even one who knew him so well, to notice that it was placed crooked.

(how absurd he looked, trying to put on a front everyone in the room knew was one.)

why, even, you would have bet that it could’ve been surmised by a child. once again, emphasis on ‘you would have’, for there was no time for thinking about that when he rushed to your bedside and enveloped you into an embrace. you didn’t miss the way his fingers grasped at the back of your shirt in downright desperation.

(in clear, bold letters, it reads; “if nothing else, please let this be real.”)

he slots himself beside you and, wordlessly, holds you close. he doesn’t need words — neither of you do. this is enough.

lynette and freminet looked on, neither of them opening their mouths when lyney buries his face into the crook of your neck and stays there for just a bit too long. he doesn’t cry. instead, he whispers shakily against your skin; “i thought i’d lost you.”

(the only sounds once he ceases speaking are the clocks and the water dripping from the pipes.

(no one speaks up just yet.)

(the only sounds in the room are the clocks and the water dripping from the pipes.)

(you’re starting to think those were the only sounds ever there.)

when he finally pulls away, you notice he’s fixed his mask. lyney now smiles, and the shake in his voice is gone; but you know it’s not all better, not when he refuses to leave the infirmary even after sigewinne and the traveler inquire. you know it’s not all better, not when the four of you are alone again. lyney sits beside you on the bed, refusing to so much as stand up (he doesn’t want to let go of your hand. you don’t comment on it, but his fingers are still shaky as he holds onto yours like they’re a lifeline.)

you don’t exchange as much as a single word after that. you just bask in each other’s presence, apologies and pleas and “i love you” shared during every lingering glance between everyone in the room.

the four of you don’t need words. this is enough.

reader dies:

seven mistakes went unnoticed. seven signs went unfollowed. seven things (and five people) went wrong that day.

one: freminet.

it was entirely freminet’s fault, he thinks, it was. if only he had gotten you out of there in time. no — he shouldn’t have even brought you. he sits on the infirmary bed opposite to yours, knees pulled up to his chest, and he clutches pers with a death grip. he dips his head in such a way that his face is hidden with his hair; he doesn’t want to let lyney and lynette see him in this state. they have enough to deal with.

two: the primordial sea.

but they were bound to notice eventually, right?

“it was entirely the primordial sea’s fault,” lynette would remind, hand on freminet’s shoulder. “it wasn’t yours.”

the primordial sea. the cold and vicious waters were such a contrast to those he held so dear; what was typically calming and merciful turned to something suffocating and terrifying. but that didn’t change the fact that it was an inanimate thing.

he drops pers at the contact; it clatters to the floor; he looks down, wide-eyed and apologetic; he reaches down to pick it up. lynette does not put her hand on his shoulder again.

three: wriothesley.

“it was entirely wriothesley’s fault,” lyney wants to scream. he’s frantic, pacing the infirmary and voice cracking every time he speaks. lynette and freminet have seldom seen him so panicked. he needs to do something, he needs— he can’t. he can’t leave. once he gets his hands on wriothesley, he swears he’ll—

four: clorinde.

it was entirely clorinde’s fault. it was entirely her choice to pick only one of you to save. no one can bring themselves to be upset at her, for she did try to save both of you. but the realization slowly dawns upon the three children of the house of the hearth still with a steady heartbeat; it was either going to be you or freminet.

they realize this at different times. every time they do, they exchange a silent, quick glance.

freminet would’ve gladly given up his life. lyney and lynette, however .. they would not have been able to choose.

five: the gods.

it was entirely the gods’ fault. curse the gods, lyney thinks. he’s still pacing the room, and while he never put much stock in the divine, he was practically yelling at them now. he knew it wasn’t logical. but he needed something. what was the point of a god if not to help their people? what was the point of a god if just to watch people suffer like it’s an opera?

was she here now? was she watching? was this a “twist” for her? did she delight in this?

six: lyney.

it was entirely lyney’s fault. he shouldn’t have let you or freminet go. he shouldn’t have. he shouldn’t have let wriothesley play him like he was a deck of cards in his hands. this was all his fault. all his fault. he knew of the prophecy, dedicated his whole life to it — and yet hadn’t managed to save you from its clutches?

seven: you.

in truth — it was no one’s fault. but lyney is still pacing the room, breathing getting heavier and more rapid every time he steals a glance at you. lynette’s eyes still trace his every move, conveniently ignoring the sight of you as best she could; and freminet still has his face buried in his knees as to not look at your decaying body.

none of them can deal with the fact that it was simply an accident. no one meant for this to happen — there was no one to blame.

they needed someone to blame.

so each and every one of them blamed themselves. as lyney’s fingers grasped your cold ones, he squeezed them softly even as they began to turn blue beneath his grasp. he couldn’t bare to let you go.

and after three long days, the sun rose to find your bed empty where you had laid. you were nowhere to be found. for a moment, lyney’s heart practically leapt out of his chest, wondering .. did you get up?

but as he rushes to the bedside, his face falls. he should’ve known not to get his hopes up.

the blankets were damp where you had laid, soaked with water just as the stage in the opera epiclese had been.

lyney didn’t cry, nor did lynette or freminet.

they didn’t exchange so much as a word the day you died.

instead, they put their aching hearts and empty souls into the mission at hand. they worked twice as hard to distract themselves, and they provided excellent results for “father” — but they had barely worked together to do so.

they exchanged cold words and they held each other at night, when the pain became too much — because as much as they tried to pretend like nothing happened, that was a lie, just as the rest of their existence — but there was no mistaking it. they were now divided.

there was always you. and now there wasn’t.

lynette was the one who informed “father” of your .. whereabouts. lyney couldn’t bring himself to.

[elkaseltzer]

ive been looking at a lot of my art recently and ive been noticing im kinda dissatisfied with how it looks, and when i was in the middle of drawing the piece for ffm i finally realised what it was.

i went back and looked the harp scene piece i did for osas, the old selkie piece i did, the lucifer piece i did for trt, and then i looked at some of my more recent stuff, and i realised that a lot of my whimsy is gone.

i like having a kind of cartoony style. i like having "anime noses" and eyes. i like chunky line art and exaggerated proportions. i think that in my effort to improve my artistry skills, i began to force myself to draw more realistically. and thats not what i want!

anywho. this is to say that hopefully a lot of my drawing mojo will come back to me now that i remember how i enjoy to engage in creation. recently whenever a piece has started going awry ive just been giving up on it QWQ

also, i am putting all of the pieces that i mentioned below, to provide a better idea of what i meant if anyones interested

pieces i appreciate more:

never realised how much i draw lucifer this is kind of embarrassing anyways. i like my proportions here. for me, i think its mostly about how i do the faces. alastor in the OSAS piece there is one of the better ones ive done (which is ironic because lucifer in that one is one of the not as good ones. i shouldve redrawn him but i was lazy). drawing him is so hard for me, and i have no idea why. i can never get his energy right. the death of alastor piece is a little more on the line, but i think thats more the shading than anything (and the shading was done that way purposefully)

pieces i appreciate less:

its always fucking alastor. lucifer in these pieces? love him. greatness. my little pookie bear. but i just leaned to far into "real person proportion-ness" with al to properly enjoy these ones. they dont feel like him, and they arent drawn in a form that gives me joy. the dance one is mighty close, but falls just a little short

[locallygrowndaikon]

Hi!! How do you meet and make genuine friends on Sky? I’ve been playing for a few years now, but whenever I get a chance to chat with other players they either speak a different language or ask me a bunch of personal questions 😵‍💫. There seems to be so many funny and interesting people online but I never meet them in person!

I had to think about this one for a bit since im not good at making friends either JGGHFJ

I think it’s definitely easier to find people to connect with online rather than in game. A lot of the people I’m closer with in sky are usually people I find through online platforms rather than in game (though not saying its impossible to find good ingame friends, just might be harder) . A general thing would be to find those who have similar interests or humour, and as well as to spend time with the friends every once in a while, whether it be candlerunning or just hanging out to talk.

If you want a more in depth rambling of me going on about everything I know about making friends, then:

Ok well this is kinda for anyone reading this JGHJDJ

A general thing about friends is to find a common interest to talk about like OCs, art, sky in general, other games, anything basically, especially if you’re like me and bad at conversations. Even after you find the initial spark, it can get hard to keep up with regular conversations afterwards and it’s easy to drift apart. If you want to get closer with someone it’s definitely good to start conversations every once in a while. This can go from telling them things you think will be funny or showing them things to just things about your day. A lot of people appreciate this kind of thing and usually get comfortable to reciprocate it (unless you’re like me and really bad at stating conversations HFBSIC)

In sky, this can also be asking the other if they want to cr together or eden, even oobing if you’re into that. It gives the chance to hang out and talk to each other.

Of course, if the other person doesn’t respond with a lot of enthusiasm or doesnt seem to put effort into the friendship, it might be time to back off to give them space. They could either be tired and need a break or they arent interested in the friendship anymore. An exception would be if the person is already socially awkward or isn’t good at starting conversations. It can be hard to tell sometimes.

If you wanna find friends

For finding friends online, its usually finding a community and finding people within it or becoming a part of the community. if you’re social enough you can join discord servers and talk to people. Even if you arent as social, discord server can still help find people to interact with, like cr partners, heart trade, needing help people/finding help, that could lead to friendship. There’s also being on social media, though it might be harder if you dont post things or if you arent really noticed or something, though it’s not like you need to be famous to be able to find people. You can also find others on social media who are already asking for friends. Ive seen quite a few on tumblr and sometimes on other platforms where people asks if anyone wants to be sky friends. Twitch, the streaming platform yeah, also has quite a few sky creators that are willing to friend pretty much anyone, which could be another way to find a community (since quite a few people on sky twitch know each other).

For in game in sky: Moths are definitely easier to become friends with since you know guiding them and everything and watching them grow up, except moths are wild cards and some are euaheh weird and others never show up again. A lot of older players already have their own friends and friend groups and then other people play inconsistently or have different timezones/playtimes, so theres a lot more luck when making friends on sky. Best bet would just be keep talking to people and when you do find someone you bond with, continue to join and check in on them every once in a while to keep up the friendship.

Joining friends in game can be scary for many (me included), but it usually ends up not as bad as you think, of course respecting dnd spells (or cape codes if they have those). Even if you do join at an inconvenient time, its a simple “oh, sorry/mb” and you head out, leaving minimal damage and awkwardness.

Of course since this is the internet and people can be bad, if people cross boundaries even after being warned once or multiple times, or you just dont enjoy hanging out with, its okay to block and cut people off. No one is obligated to hang out with anyone nor responsible for the happiness of someone else. Having self worth and internet safety is important folks

Anyways people are complicated and theres a lot of ifs and possibilities and other stuff what not so take whatever advice i spit out mindlessly for granted JFHDO i dont know what im doing

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 6.30.2025

trying to make sense of things. i felt so suicidal last night. im tired of feeling like that. i just want it to end, but it feels like there's no end in sight. it feels like it alienates me from everyone and just makes me angry. i feel worthless. i feel like im never going to make it out of this.

i want to push everyone away. attachments are too painful and i feel like no one understands.

saturday was okay. but it makes me really sad to think about it now because it feels like those nice moments are so difficult to have and impossible to keep. i brought my friend as a date to hang out with a group of friends and it was really nice, but it all just feels so fragile and fleeting and temporary.

i just feel like it's not going to work out between us and i hate that feeling. i just feel like there's so many people that would be picked over me and i feel like i cant fight to be noticed and i cant handle being ignored. i feel ignored so much of the time.

its so hard to stay present. i never enjoy anything. i just ruminate and worry about things and make myself feel miserable. im fighting so hard to just barely be okay and it feels like im not going to make it out of this.

i dont know where to go for support.

im glad i at least have a psych appointment today. i was on so many meds before though and nothing was helping me. it feels like nothing is going to help me. i just keep showing up and keep dragging myself through hell and showing up and nothing helps. one day it feels like im going to have to give up.

i feel so lost without a job. thats another thing that feels like just an endless struggle. it feels like i'll never put my life back together.

something in my instincts is like pushing me away from the friend who wants to date me and her partner. i mean her partner is also a toxic ex of mine, and we have pretty much made up or whatever, but it just feels like its fucking with me a lot right now and it's hard to make sense of. and it does just feel kind of selfish that she wants to have this thing with me even though im struggling and i just feel like she's never going to make much of an effort to make me a bigger part of her life. i just feel kept on the outside and that's probably not good for me. i think i should probably just focus on my friendships.

it just feels like i have nothing.

i dont know how to build myself back up from nothing.

i feel really sad and empty.

im just going to let myself fall into losing weight and not caring about anything else. i just need to keep stacking the days and making progress and eventually i'll actually see a difference and i wont feel so bad. i just need to actually see progress this month. i dont care about anything else.

ive given up on microdosing . i dont think im in a place where it can actually help me.

i just need to keep to myself. i want to find stability it just feels genuinely impossible. it feels like i'll never have a person who wants to put me first, i'll never find someone to build a life with. im never going to have anything that makes me feel supported or okay at all.

im just on my own and i dont know how much longer i can do it.

[azonewithu]

Fuck them i drive anyway. Ontaeio is stupid id rather live anywhere else. Who told you there are any smart people aroumd here im Watdon im telling you they lied to you. Ha ha ha fucon idiots. Only here could i get away with this much murder and still be walking the streets. I dont wanna watch a racing car movie i think its like americans generally too nousy and not worth the effort. You think the people are dumb in Ontario go to the states. Wow. You get to vite for something good for fucon you uou genetic muration you. Now theyre crying about the medicaid. I got a solutuon Emma Watson its called Medic Aids. A guy in a black coat goes aroumd dressed in black giving people shots of the aids virus. Thatll fox yo ass good like bitch. Ha ha ha fugk the god falnned raceyrack harvey weinsteins oal brad putt wouldnt wanna try n race me oyt in the street in a car Emma. Hes doesnt wanna scrap me pkay me in chees a gane of pool nothn. Duel well already know theres no american who wants that at all anymore. Its too costly. Ive taken more than all your movies are worth put together their bud. I dont think any of uou americans ate that tough or smart compared to me. If i add up all your spaceshiis i blew the fuck up thats worth more. On the street youd crash while i leave you in the dust ive droven at 300 k on regular roads. Youd be in the dust from the beginning til ya crashed snd fucon died, tge power i ha e helps in situations like that. As long as i havent been drinki g for 3 days. I think hes a scholler mother fucker like most of you not gor real by any standards. But i am and so is wrath i send i think evrn your stupud hollywood ass sees that now. Acting asshole and money dont make up for education so shit the fuck up. You cant even keep up in a convwrsation with me asshole let slone anything else. Ill fuck your girlffriend for days longer than you. Ha ha ha just kidding. I dont like tore biters i font fuck peoples girlfriends its not hard for me to just find someone better than that. Hey shit happens dometimes though sometimes people just click like that. I do brlieve thete is one person better duited fir anyone out of alo these assholes and ypu know it when you find them. Well it sucks if you cant be with them. But its a generally nice at least you know who they are and can try. Yeah i destroyed the palisafes that was me you got some sory of problem with that? Yrah those people are despised at this point they font ha e that great a future no one in this stinking rat trsp of a pkanet fors. Bud csn i csll ua bud ive dmashed sll amerucans not just you asshole. If you look close id be embarassed to be any if you peopke fuvk the money fuck the bullshit. And tell those chruistisn assholes in your fuckn vou try shut the fuck up. Thetes no fighti g Azriel next time i swear in Jesus’s nane i fuckn kill every single fuckn last one of you. I fo t wanna hear about anyones christsin ideals or any oybervrelgio fuck ass nonsense from the other two far lesswr religions. Older snd more stipud ir newwr and more violent. Obviously i represent God and Jesus and we own everything on thiys earth that matters. Yet unlike those two greedy religions i have the true power of earth at my disposal making them lesset thats an apt word to use if you go by math and numbers. Most of you thats all you hold stock in. I own everything on earth pretty much. Anythi g i do t i csn byrn on a moments notice eith the scorpion. Its a satellite. It sits right in front of your eyes three seconds forward or back in time making it not visible to human eyes. Wtf do you mean why this is my planet ill do whayever the fuvk i want punk. Not of you ate smart enough to grapple with me. Ill eat your soul and leave you as a shell of a being. Why the fuck ate stupud ass smericsns do fuckn fat too. Glutony is the eorst of all sins rvrn eorse than murder in Gods eyes. Its duicide youre murdering yourself. Dont eat that fucon garbage or let yoyr rats eat it. I dont even like my family dont oush ur luck. None of these americans really have any balls. Id duel me. Ill have to.

[stay-midnight]

hello hello!

. . . 🎙

i mean-pquwbzkwiw its long and all that so understandable 🤧 just delete it or something then-? HAHA- i don't want my asks to be too bothersome y'know so do what u gotta😎💕 (also fr justice for snowswept tails and divine amusement eventually!)

Anyways-Changbin ficc ! ! ! Idk if it's right or not but what I noticed most about the change in writing style is like, its more descriptive? Describing the atmosphere or the background and all that- its nice ! And Changbin is so romantic in it 🤧🤧🤧 Also-soft dom smut is a nice change of pace for suree (cause we all know-) pretty good overall as well!

also also! the college au skz 🤧🤧 THE FACT THAT ALL OF THEM HAS SPECIALTIES LIKE- (i would very much like to be madaldal about perv jisung and just perv skz in general so sorry about that in advance /hj)

ahhh the prisoner seungmin and incubus jeongin random thoughts (i was actually thinking of asking if just random thoughts was okay to send instead of the fic talk-)

hushed sex with prisoner seungmin oml-he'd probably be whispering the nastiest stuff as he shuts you up with his big hand i-certainly a setting that's new for thoughts 👀

the incubus jeongin one i haven't read it but imagining it is-🤐🤐🤐 (if we're specialties now then blindfolds with incubus jeongin for that one-would want you to be so addicted to him that you didn't even need to see him doing the things he'd do-more pleasure to feed on ofc!)

shorter ask than usual-(a miracle honestly-) anyways, that its for nowww 💅💕

good evening anonnie!

boop!

I dont wanna delete it 😭 cuz idk ill keep it in my inbox for awhile— its not bothersome but I just feel bad cuz you put the effort into those asks 😭 (frfr hopefully those fics will turn into full fics someday)

Yes? In a way— trying different styles in writing because of purposes and researching stuff as well cuz yall deserve the best content hmph 😤 I also tried to play with words a bit as an experiment and yeah— I started getting into the more softer side with the new fics idk why(?) did 10 months affect my libido or something-I love romantic changbin sm! And up next, lee know and bin fic! hmmm i have a general idea in mind but not a clear plot point

YES, like college au skz has a hold on me depending on how its delivered but thats just some of my ideas and yours in the specialities! (oh yes, perv jisung is literally 😫🫣 cuz idk Ive fallen for that jisung trope like? newnwnwis)

Yea! Random thoughts are okay cuz they give me burst of ideas driven by thoughts—

Seee? cuz like Prisoner Seungmin is so unexpected like seungmin is on the more tame side of skz fics itll be a nice change of pace but anyway, Seungmin fucking you in the prison bathroom as well? under the cold public showers he would shamelessly fuck you despite other prisoners around in a way its him claiming you his—

Ive hidden that fic deep somewhere cuz like the writing is making me go 😨😬 but it does make me see my improvements atleast BUT LIKE- anyway Incubus Jeongin is having fun with you and messing you up in your dreams as you sweat in blindfolds in your own head- of course, it makes you beg for his touch as he teases you— twirking your nips, thumbing the slit of your cock and lightly brushing against your rim- aghhhhhbwbsuannns

aaAaa its even more a miracle that i answered this that fast- thank you anonnie!

[hella1975]

Bestie im starting college soon and you seem like a person with friends so like how do you do that

very flattered by this <3333 very much going to be talking from my own experiences here and as always when i give advice my word is NOT gospel so if you'd rather do something else than what i say then that's totally fine if anything i ENCOURAGE that. as lame as it is 'be yourself' is the worst best advice you'll ever get, otherwise you'll get stuck with people who aren't like-minded at all and it can be really suffocating (this is always what i have the biggest issue with bc i have a habit of just catering my personality to whoever im with, so none of my friends ever feel like they get me if that makes sense. so yes i objectively have a good number of friends and several functioning friendship groups that i enjoy, but at no point do i ever feel like ive taken the mask off, yk?)

so yes, unfortunately all of what i have to tell you is going to have the underlying assumption that you're taking 'be yourself' to heart. i mean it. one friend that knows you as some cringe online loser that likes anime is so so much better than twenty friends that think you're hot shit.

specifically for a college environment:

push yourself! ive said this kind of thing before, but i dont mean 'wake up an extrovert one day'. i understand it's hard and scary and social anxiety/neurodivergence is a thing, but teenagers arent actually stupid! they want to see you trying more than anything else. if you act a hermit who doesn't leave their room ever or go to any social functions and then gets upset when no one magically befriends them, then that was always going to happen. but if you try and reach out, try and make small talk whenever you're in shared spaces, try and be in group chats, try and put the effort in, then even if you dont succeed or you think you did a bad job, other people will still recognise the effort. genuinely it goes such a long way. of course the more things you do actively partake in, the easier it'll all get for you, but i dont want you to make yourself uncomfortable or wind up hating college altogether. push yourself, but dont beat yourself up if you need a time out every now and then

join societies! i actually didn't do this (unless you count women in finance which... i do not count) but i always kept this option in the back of my mind for if i couldnt make any friends on my course OR any friends in my accommodation. it's a sure-fire way of meeting people AND you can cater it to ensure they're similar to you by following your interests. also idk about other places but in the uk, societies arrange social nights amongst their club, so you go out to events and bars and move nights and shit together and you can create an entire social scene just through your society

don't give up. this is cringe but also true. i have two main friendship groups at university: my coursemates and the [insert their accom's name here] lot. you might notice i didnt say my flatmates and that's because my second friendship group, the one im in the most and am now living with next year btw!!, met me in a really random way. it started out with me sticking with 'the flatmate i dont like' as she's come to be named, who befriended our neighbour in the accom over from ours, who met these other two girls (flatmates with each other) at a social night I DIDNT GO TO, and now me, my neighbour and those two girls are super close and i practically lived at their accom all through first year. but i wasn't friends with those two girls until MONTHS into university, and as you can see, it was really random when it did happen. friendships are like that! if my mate hadn't gone to tequila night just for the tequila to run out and them all to go to the same afters by PURE CHANCE, then i wouldn't know two of my closest uni friends! how mental is that!

remember that everyone is in the same boat. idc how confident or hot some of these people are, i am telling you as a FACT of life that they are pure shitting themselves thinking they aren't going to make friends at uni. this is why it's key to be brave in the first few weeks before people start finding their feet. take advantage of their insecurity! the girl ive just spent three nights with in my uni city literally adopted me after an induction lecture we both had for economics because she came up to me and TO MY FACE went 'hey you seem really nice and i dont know anyone, can i stay with you?' and she's now one of my favourite people. not once did i go 'hey that's kind of a ballsy/weird thing to say' because i was too busy being RELIEVED that someone had come up to me, bc sure enough i was in my own mental spiral of 'shit shit shit i dont know anyone fuck what the fuck'. like genuinely just reach out to people OR latch onto the people that reach out to you. i remember one time i went to a freshers fair ON MY OWN and i was really embarrassed by that fact bc most people go with their flatmates or SOMEONE and i was on my own, so i literally just started talking to the girl next to me on the bus because she was on her own too. we did the entire freshers fair together and i never spoke to her again, but we totally used each other in that moment and there's literally nothing saying we couldn't have clicked and become the best of friends. you're all as pathetic as each other in those first few weeks, remember that.

all in all, good luck. it's a great time and i guarantee you you'll do great. im rooting for you anonstie, keep me posted!

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

i don't know what i should do but i distanced myself from some people (mentally too) bc I've been overwhelmed with trauma and getting tired of even speaking of it.. so I just say things are fine. I used to speak to one person whom we always shared thoughts with, understood me and what not, that was until their mental health got bad so I didn't really want to speak on my stuff to overwhelm ofc and offered support. we don't speak daily but we reply to each others messages whenever we can which became the norm.

the person did come across someone and got along with. they started dating within a few weeks and moved together. its been over a year they are and seems very happy. now, i already have some issues with people leaving or some kind of change occurring, which i noticed slowly, on top of that I can admit I feel toxic, in the sense of jealously. for context, ive never been in a relationship or anything. do I want to? Ofcourse. I think I deserve to be feeling loved. It never really bothered me until last year, its like my life was crumbling down and everyone was getting what they wanted, happiness, wishing I could as well.

ive never dealt with this emotion of jealously before, i just for some reason never cared and got on, but for some reason it hitting me more, maybe bc I'm slowly giving up on many things, even finding love.

this person has been someone who i would share my mind with (it was reciprocal) but ofc bc of things i couldn't anymore. I guess I couldn't share it with anyone so it felt bottled up, however I did share before of a friend who got in a relationship and doesn't even put effort in friendships.

anyways, once they got into one we still spoke. but I noticed a difference, they wasn't sharing much of themselves nor partner in the sense of i dont know much of a person he is, just a general overlook. idk I felt we used to speak on these things a lot when they was single so I felt weird how I dont know much of him as I thought. their replies began to get shorter, the time frame of replying back was a month later. we used to do that when times were hard for us, understanding and generally had long messages to send. but as I said, things were far short. So idk a month to send something little was a bit weird.

i also have this fear of friends sharing your personal information with their partners which make me super uncomfortable. I've had it happen before and its just a no. idk, I guess that stops me from sharing anything now bc maybe theyd do the same.

i guess I did notice a shift and whenever I do, I always distance myself. It is what it is. I feel incredibly alone and I feel like a negative person to be around with bc of these feelings I have inside. And I can see theyre happy and I dont want to make then feel uncomfortable with how I am feeling.

I sent a message at one point, addressing my mental health only. I wasn't fit to even speak, it was be unfair if I didn't respond at all so I said how things are quite rough so I won't speak for a while, it wasn't a goodbye but just I dont have the energy for things anymore. They respected how I felt and hoped things went well for me.

Its been 6 months and I haven't spoken to them. They posted on social media which I wished them happy birthdays and so, as they did for me. They say they pray for me things go good and I become happy. Which I appreciate. Normally I always wish them new years First, like every year but last year I did not. Partly bc I felt super depressed and also bc I dislike how I am always the one who says things first. After ages, they did wish me a happy new years message which was nice for once not being first too. However this year nothing so far, and I'm contemplating whether I should shoot a message right now.

It did make me feel a way when they kept mentioning, "so anything happening in ur love life?" Its like no, there never has. I guess I felt like things were being shoved in me so whenever I responded I would just be trutjful and say I dont see it happening and I'm okay with that. Which would say wait for ur time itll come. I understand when people say that but as a person who's been alone all my life that message doesn't help at all. It feels tiring to hear this constantly, I've waited for 25 years, I've waited enough, so please. I guess these little things made me feel bitter about them too, once I felt like it was shoved lowkey in my face I can't remember what exactly but like oh haha I dont have to worry about that now I have someone or something, which irked me. So yeah.

I have always appreciated having them in my life, our only form of contact is texting since we met online. We have been together some rough shit and have were there for each another too, also happy times too. But idk I guess I noticed a difference and it just made me step back.

I do feel sad bc I liked speaking with them, but I guess every since someone they came across they've just become private. And i guess I don't have much to speak about then. I'd rather not trauma dump bc I'm sick of my own shit too, but I just don't know what to do . I even thought maybe we should keep in contact here and there (not regularly as we used to) but I don't know what to do. I feel conflicted.

Okay I'm just gonna be completely honest with you, with the risk that it'll be a bit tough to hear. Because what I read is that YOU chose to distance yourself, YOU stopped sharing your life with this person, and then YOU said YOU didn't want to talk to them and didn't get back in touch. And now you're using the fact that the relationship didn't work out as proof that no one will ever actually care about you. And that's bullshit. And I get that there's trauma, and jealousy and insecurities and that you are not in this pattern on purpose, but what seems to be happening here is that YOU took a step back for whatever reasons, and then you used the fact that the relationship changed accordingly to you keeping your distance and asking for a break as proof that no one actually cares and no one ever will. And I have been there, and I have been in similar patterns. But it's bullshit. And it's toxic. Because this is not a story of a friend betraying you. This is a story of you sabotaging a friendship and then using the fact that it didn't last as proof of your insecurities. And that's something YOU need to work on if you want to feel better.

[conanssummerchild]

finallly analising this jdskdjsksj

okay so to start off, the song summer child is pretty much about a person who is hurting, who's struggling but people dont notice, just to summarise it very very quickly. there is so much more to the song tho, and i'll get into that now.

and disclaimer in case i make someone mad, im not saying that mike fits every word of the song, this isnt even rlly an analisis, more of like a silly thing i decided to make so no one come for me 😭 i am interested in hearing ur opinions tho

so anyway, conan starts the song with the lyrics

so with that first line hes saying smth like you see beauty even when there is none, or even when no one else does and in s1 yk how mike is tho only one who wants el to stick around, yeah. also when theyre getting bullied by troy and he says to dustin that he thinks its cool, like he has a superpower like the x men or smth (cant quite remember it)

anyway i dont have much to say abt line two but with all the shit they went thru with the upside down, its hard to imagine he wouldnt be at least a little afraid of the dark at night (also when i was little i was rlly scared of the dark and i kin mike so what i say goes /j)

(TW SELF HARM) i rlly cant say much abt the next line without turning this into projection central, but what i take from this line is conan talking abt self harm, i rlly dont know if this could b interpreted any other way tho? anyway its not that i think mike hurts himself, and there is no evidence in the show claiming he does (at least none that i know of, if there is tell me so i can project harder) but one time back when i got sent to therapy (and refused to talk to my therapist abt anything but mike wheeler) she tried to get deep w me and told me that a lot of people self harmed because they bottled up their feelings so much that in the end that was the only release they could get or theyd like explode, smth abt ppl who felt too much too big. ngl i dont rlly remember but honestly thats so mike wheeler if u ask me (what my therapist said)

ok so this is what i meant when i said not everything fit exactly, bcs while i dont think ted is a good father, i also dont think hes 'mean' in the way i think conan means it

green = byler. mindblowing ik /s

anyway the last two lines i feel like are less abt someone specifically running through sprinklers on their street and more about how when u were younger things were more simple and imo an important part of mikes arc is how he tries to make himself grow up faster, only to later mourn the better days that he lost and it was his fault, and if u ask me this part of his arc has to do with neurodivergency and maski- [GUNSHOTS]

ok and so we get to the part that made me start to think mike was summer child coded, mikes whole little pretense game he has going on, hiding parts of himself he feels arent good enough for people to see, how people have ignored and dismissed his feelings so many times to the point that he just gives up on trying to talk about them, how he struggles with his depression (yes i am a therapist i can officially diagnose him /j) but still puts so much time and effort into helping other people, he's selfless to a fault, to the point that hes hurting himself more than anything else.

how theres always a part of him in the dark, never quite revealed to the audience, portraying how he never fully reveals it to his friends.

so once again i'll mention how ppl have always dismissed and ignored mikes concerns and struggles to the point where he starts to just keep it to himself, and acts angry or grumpy when rlly there is so much more brewing under the surface he just doesnt think he deserves for someone to care, or even just directly thinks they dont care anyway

and ive tried to stay mostly partial so far and not bring up will or mikes sexuality, but in the end i think him being gay is an important part of his arc and definitely present in his struggles and the second to last line makes me think of will being shown to be like mikes sun (his heart ;)) and how hes keeping up a pretense about the way he really feels both about will and el to everyone but himself (no i dont think hes clueless ._.)

so this is actually the part that made me make the original post bcs hello?? the first three lines, did conan just literally write this song about mike wheeler?? mikes self sacrificial nature is something that comes up repeatedly, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. that boy would do anything for his friends, and im not even gonna get into the cliff scene bcs we'd be here all night. but like i was saying, the rest of the lines reference how mike sees the beauty in things others dont, EXCEPT when it comes to himself.

yeah, when it comes to himself he won't see the best parts of himself, only the bad, its up to a bystander (will?? the audience? mikes self concious, or is that too far-fetched?) to quietly observe the way hes falling apart

anyway slay that was bad and long and also excuse any spelling mistakes and incoherency its like 1 in the morning where i live so im analising mike wheeler, as any sane person would. once again, this isnt a proper analisis just something i pulled out of my ass so idk

@apocalyptic-byler no pressure to read this nonsense but u said youd b interested and i said id tag u so here it is lol

Mike Wheeler is so very summer child coded. There, I said it.

[catcze]

hey catte can i just send in a thought 😔😔 naur bc i feel so bad i have my childe zhongli and kaeya all triple crowned and yet their damages, although decent!! is very low compared to other players UHUHU its very silly to be slightly upset at it but i just keep unconsciously apologizing to them everytime they dont hit crit/high dmg JDJJDJDJD

but I'd like everyone to just imagine, say that ur in this same scenario, that theyre all just cheering you on as you grind their materials and artifacts for them, either modern au or in game meta kinda au. them being very huggy and sappy and a kith on ur forehead bc you've worked so hard for them (then bonk u gently because theyre all doing decent dmg, ur too hard on yourself...) akjdkdjdkdjjd sorry im very emo for them rn, this is how i cope rip JDJDBDNDNNFN

also can i be 🧶anon? or conyo anon HAHAHAHA ive sent in asks on non-anon before but sometimes with long stuff like these i become very shy KSJDJDNDN

pls omg that's literally so cute ?? ajsdnask Them being so overwhelmingly supportive and sweet, and being so thankful that you're willing to invest so much time and effort into them <33

and the soft kiss w/ the hugs and the fluff omg pls I'm gonna CRY 😭 /pos

Pls feel free to cope more in my inbox I encourage it this was so cute to read HHAHA

Lil blurb bc i got inspired <3

⠀"Childe," You call, handing him a new flower, one that had taken ages for you to get your hands on–– your body still hurts from having gone through the dragonspine domain too many times, and your eyes are practically drooping with exhaustion. "Here you go. I hope it's good, or that you can do bigger damage with it. I'm sorry I couldn't get it sooner," you sigh, unable to look him in the eye.

⠀A hand comes up to ruffle your hair though, gentle despite its weight, and annoyingly messing up your hair.

⠀"Why are you fretting, comrade?" He asks with a pearly white grin. Kaeya and Zhongli come up behind him, curious. "Though I'm grateful for the upgrade, there wasn't anything wrong with my damage before, was there?"

⠀"I– I mean, no, but––"

⠀Zhongli takes one of your hands, holding it gently and running a careful thumb over the scrapes and bruises. He tuts. "The effort you have put in to raising our talents and giving us our required materials is already more than enough. We are grateful that you've spent your highly-sought materials on us already, and our current damage is no fault of yours, nor is it a problem that requires fixing."

⠀"They're right, you know," says Kaeya, carefully taking your weapon out of your hand. You hadn’t even realized you had been close to dropping it, too tired to notice the tremble in your limb. He wraps his other arm around your shoulders, gently guiding your group in the direction of some rest. “Our current output is more than enough, to say the least. You shouldn’t trouble yourself overthinking something like this–– you’re working so hard already and practically exhausting yourself for our sake. We wouldn’t want you to collapse on us, now would we?”

⠀There is a chorus of agreement from the other two as they come to walk beside you two. With Kaeya’s warm arm wrapped around your shoulders and your face half-tucked into his feathery collar piece, the bone-deep exhaustion from hours of farming the domains rears its head and it suddenly becomes difficult to keep your eyes open.

⠀Kaeya coos from above you, and you can distantly hear Zhongli encouraging you to get some rest and that you’ve deserved it after a long day. The last thing you’re aware of before nodding off is ginger hair brushing your cheek, a soft pressure against your forehead, and wishes for sweet dreams. 

[ablackfangirlwrites]

Jealous ll

Part 2!!!! I linked the sone again cause its a bop and I love it also heres pt one!

You had had enough

Thats what you kept telling yourself

As you got ready tonight

You weren't going sit in the house anymore waiting for keigo to show up whenever he felt like it

Tonight you were going out for you

You thought about how you used to have fun, how you used to be happy

And how miserable you had been lately and you decided

If Keigo didnt appreciate you anymore

Then you'd find someone who would

So thats why you found yourself looking in the mirror admiring how well you dressed up tonight to go out

You almost forgot how hot you were when you put in a little effort

You had originally stopped because keigo would tell you how beautiful and perfect you were without make up or anything

But now you were on the prowl for someone new to notice you and keigo's words meant little to nothing to you right now

Tonight you were gonna find someone to show you just a little bit of attention you craved so much and it wasnt going to be keigo

Just then you saw keigo staring at you from the reflection in mirror

he was home unusually eailer

"Dont you have to work?" You asked bitterly

"Where are you going?" He asked ignoring your statement

Sighed and rolling your eyes and picking up your purse you turned to him before leaving the bedroom, "Out. You don't have to wait up for me."

"You're being ridiculous y/n."

He said following you but you ignored him

"Y/n? Y/n?" He kept calling you, "You cant just go out an-"

"And why not?" You turned to him before you left the apartment, "according to you were not even really dating-"

"You know why that is." He told you seriously

You huffed out a fake laugh, "yeah, but its still okay for you to flirt with anyone?"

Keigo didnt respond to that making you chuckle, "Exactly...like I said im going out dont wait up." Then you slammed the door leaving.

You knew you were being unreasonable with him

You knew the two of you needed to just talk and make up

But you kept letting your anger from all your arguments cloud your judgment

Because you just wanted him to feel the same hurt and jealously you had been feeling more then anything

Keigo stared at the door you had just slammed

Things somehow got worse in the following days after your argument on your anniversary

You refused to talk to him

He tried to apologize to you but you basically brushed him off

Keigo wasn't sure what to think you said you hated him, you wouldnt sleep in the bed with him

Yet you hadn't packed up and left so that was good right?

But that distance that was growing between the two of you was wider then before

And he didnt know what to do to fix it

And now you were going out clearly dressed to find someone else

Did you really hate him? Had you really had enough of him?

Hell, he couldnt even blame you if you did he thought

You had put up with so much of him up until now

And maybe some of what you said the other night was true? Had he gotten too comfortable with you always being there?

But that was only because he loved you

Keigo was truly in love with you, and dispite you suspensions he never cheated on you

And he would never do that, you were the only one he wanted even now when you two seemed to be at each others throats

He still wanted you, and he couldn't picture his life without you

So thats why he ended up following you to the bar you were currently at

He made sure you hadnt noticed him staying in the back out of your sight

And he hated what he saw

He saw you having fun

You had met up with some of your girlfriends the three of you all laughing and drinking

You acting like you didnt have a care in the world, like the two of you didnt argue before you left out

Having a good time as if you didnt leave him alone in the house

He watched you dancing as though you were having the time of your life as other mean stared and gawked at you

He watched as a guy singled you out and was clearly flirting with you

And worst you let him and was encouraging him

You kept touching his shoulder laughing at his jokes letting him dance against you

Words couldnt describe the irritation he felt watching

He wanted nothing more then to rip that mans hands off you and fly away with you in his arms

But part of him felt like he deserved this

This feeling he had, was it how you felt?

If so he needed to fix this, was all that he could think

And he was about to go to you, but before he could someone called out his name

"Hey! Hawks is here!"

Fuck he said to himself when a crowd started to form around him

His eyes then connected with yours knowing you heard he was here

And for a moment he thought you were gonna come up to him

But instead you kept talking to the random guy ignoring him

Hawks wanted to go to you and talk to just take you back home

But was having trouble getting away from the crowd

He was all smiles talking to his fans but the whole time he kept his eyes on you

But somehow it became a battle to see who was going to be more stubborn

You continued to dance with the random guy, but now you knew keigo was here watching you

You convinced yourself not to care, you came here to have fun and he wasnt going to ruin it for you

But thats just what he was doing as you watched him talk to some random girl now

He was here to get under you skin, you were sure of it

But two could play this little game

Both of you having this little war with each other watching each other from across the room

And you couldnt lie you were enjoying it a bit

Seeing his eyes watching you, knowing he had to be feeling the sting of jealousy as another man held you close

But It all came to a head when you saw the girl he was dancing with lips on his neck

He wasnt looking at you when you saw that all his attention clearly on her

You couldn't deny the sharp feeling in your chest at the sight

And not wanting to see anymore you left the dance floor telling the guy you needed to go to the bathroom

Hawks pulled away from the handsy fan

Denying anymore of her advances

Yeah he had been trying to get under your skin now but thats was a bit much

But now when he looked up to find you again, only to see you were gone

His stomach sank

Where did you go? You had to had just seen that?

Did you leave with that guy? Hawks started to panic when he didnt seem him either

Where did you go? Why was he being so stupid just now? He should have just went to talk to you

Just then keigo noticed the guy you had been flirting with at the bar and went up to him

"The girl you were dancing with? Where'd she go?"

The guy looked at him like he was crazy "whats it too you?" He challenged him

But keigo wasnt in a playful mood and grabbed the man by the collar, "Answer the question asshole."

The guy quickly put his hands up in defeat, "she just said-

"Hawks?"

He heard his name called out and looked behing him to see you

"What are- you are so unbelievable." Yku shook your head storming off

You couldn't believe him he had the audacity to attack the guy you had been talking to

It didnt take much thought to figure out why

And it annoyed you to no end

So keigo could flirt and let girls kiss all over him but if you had a guy around you that was too much

He was such a hypocrite

You were angry your whole way back home

You stood in the mirror once you got back

But with a different feeling in your stomach then the feeling you had before you left

You felt defeated your plans of fun had been ruined and you felt like your back in the same spot you had been in

Hawks was giving you a little bit of space taking his time getting back home

Because now you were probably madder than before at him

When hr got in he saw you had just got out the shower

"Y/n..."

You heard him call out your name But you ignored him

Y/n, you have to listen to me."

You werent going to turned around but before you knew it he hugged you from behind

"Im sorry."

"Let go of me hawks." You spat out but he didnt budge

"Just listen to me y/n..."

"Why are we doing this to each other?" You asked quietly, "Why do you keep hurting me? What are we even doing? It clearly isnt wor-"

"Ive been an idiot, y/n."

Keigo buried his face in your neck, "I've been so stupid, but please please dont leave me."

You were trying to fight back tears, "I dont want to leave you keigo....but I cant-"

"Dont say you can't with me anymore. I need you." Keigo pleaded holding you tighter

You were so frustrated

You still loved him, you still wanted to be with him, because when things are good between you they're great

But the way your relationship had been it was becoming too much

But you wanted to stay with him

Because you loved him

You moved your hands and held on to his arms secretly enjoying his embrace that you missed so much

"I know you mean well keigo-"

"I love you so much y/n," keigo cut you off again, "I know ive been an asshole, ive been neglectful, ive been the worst, but dont give up on me. Please."

You finally turned around to face him and hugged him back

You could see the sincerity in his eyes as you did "I love you too keigo but I just cant do this- we keep hurting each other...thats not what your supposed to do to the people you love."

Keigo pulled back "You want me to tell everyone about us? I will." He told you, "You want me to tell you everything ive been doing I will, I promise you Ill to whatever it takes to fix us. I dont want to live the way we have anymore."

You knew he was serious and your heart leaped hearing his words but you werent sure

"You're the only one I want y/n" he said giving you a light kiss

Almost like he was asking for permission

"Ill do whatever it takes for you to forgive me."

He said inbetween kisses, "you're so important to me, im sorry i made you think you weren't."

You couldnt lie he was finally saying everything you wanted to hear

And you wanted to believe him

"You promise?" You asked him

"I promise."

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

So for AAW this year i decided to explore some QPRs since ive never done that before (does that even qualify for AAW?). So without further ado (i'll try to keep it quick) these are the relationships that give me the strongest QPR vibes theres no particular order just a attempted color gradient

1. Joan Watson and Sherlock Holmes (Elementary)

Ive talked about these two before for AAW 2019(?) so ill touch on them briefly (and i'll put the link in the notes). Disclaimer: This is a show that i watched in bits and pieces, almost primarily from reruns. The longterm focus of this show is clearly these two's relationship. In the beginning they were stuck together, and then they chose to be together but they still had issues, at one point they stop talking to each other (like legit didnt talk one of them moved away and they didnt stay in contact), were together with issues again, and then they were primarily okay, and at one point left/fled the country together even though only one of them had to. Throughout the show there are these spoken moments that really tell the depth of their relationship, from either them or other characters. Off the top of my head theres "you named a species of bee after me," "i think shes the person you love most in this world," "i consider you to be a exceptional person. So i make a exceptional effort to accommodate you," "this is your home," "i'll stay. Of course i'll stay," and that line in the picture. They dont seem to struggle that much when it comes to describing their relationship and believe "partners" sums it up best. They live together, see each other as the most important/favorite person in their lives, and are raising a child together.

2. Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens)

Im not sure these two count, being not human and all. In the show and in the fandom (and i assume the book) people, and they themselves, struggle to understand their relationship and on top of that they arent supposed to be on good terms with each other (one is a angel and one is a demon). Are they friends? Enemies? Boyfriends? Best friends? Crowley at one point comes to the conclusion that never having Aziraphale in his life again is worse than the end of the world. One of the definitions for a QPR is "undefinable relationship," which fits nicely here.

3. Mako Mori and Raleigh Becket (Pacific Rim)

Disclaimer: i havent seen this movie since it was in theaters and therefore dont remember much. If i had know what a QPR was when i saw this movie it would have made so much more sense. One of the background themes is strong relationships (you cant power the robots without it) which includes familial, platonic, and romantic. These two were left ambiguous, all the shots were framed in that typical "they're gonna end up together by the end" way only for nothing to confirm it at the end. It was wonderful. You follow two different gendered strangers who become super important to each other and share all their darkest secrets and memories and give each other soft looks to not end up dating at the end. Wether or not you see it as a QPR its a movie that doesnt erase m/f friendship and thats just fantastic.

[sorry guys its 2am now these paragraphs are gonna be a little shorter]

4. Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau (Captain Marvel)

Before Carol disappeared it was clear she was living with Maria, her best friend, and helping her raise Monica, Maria's daughter, from a young age. Its clear her "death" greatly effected them.

5. Maka Albarn and Soul Eater Evans (Soul Eater)

I recently rewatched this show and their relationship on the surface seems like Two Kids Who Are Opposites And Dont Like Each Other Are Forced To Do Group Project type relationship but its actually so much deeper. They're roommates and best friends and each think the other one is the greatest person they know. They both have arcs centered around protecting the other. Soul states on multiple occasions that he's not into Maka, and Maka compares their partnership to her parents' marriage but never actually expects or acts like Soul is her boyfriend. Its clear they're gonna stay together for a long time coming.

6. Clint Barton and Kate Bishop (Marvel Comics)

Okay so i could say so much on this but let me start this off with a big Disclaimer: i have not read these comics, all of my knowledge comes from fan works (like the entirety of ao3 and tumblr) and wiki pages. These two. THESE TWO. Ahhh i dont even know what to say because i dont know if this is a thing where fanon versions are entirely OOC. These guys have something like a 12 year age difference, so from the outside their relationship seems weird. People (real or fictional idr) keep trying to slot them into familial roles (big brother and little sister, uncle and niece, dad and daughter) but the truth is they're friends and partners. Ya its a little weird with their age difference but if they were both 10 years older most people wouldn't even notice the age difference. Clint makes it clear to us just how much he loves Kate. She's super important to him. Just looking for pics for this post i saw so many panels displaying how close they are. Idk if its canon or not but fanfic really gave the impression Kate basically lives part time at his place. These two give me vibes that they have the kind of closeness where they could cuddle on the couch together and it wouldnt be weird. And i mean full horizontal doing a balancing act in order to get them both to stay on the couch between the backrest and the edge so they could nap. Like if one of them was married their spouse wouldnt be surprised to wake up in the morning and find them both eating breakfast in their PJs. Like these two would kiss on the mouth but it wouldnt be romantic at all just a way to express emotion. They just give me this vibe thats led to so many headcanons and idek if its canon

[vyladromeave]

SHABOWKNIGHT HEADCANONS PLASTERBOATS

This is how Shabowknights work in my brain. It just is. 

(Warning this is super long. like really long. its literally like 69k+ words im not kid. ding. i did include a couple poupble to help break up the bup the text. so. good lick.)

BECOMING A SHADOWKNIGHT

There is only one requirement for a person to become a shadowknight: you gotta feel it. you gotta reel it. you gotta feel it in the heart of the cards. sometimes ur having a rough day and youknow what thats fine. the shadowlord is totally there for you. hes your homie. your bro. your bromie. he can be anything you want him to be. but most importantly he is here for YOU. hes the cool boss. he lets you slack off on fridays, he puts slightly outdated memes in his powerpoint presentations. all for you. you’re welcome.

Now I hear what you’re thinking. What happens when the Shadowlord has a bad day? He can’t always be there for you, right? Wrong. The Shadowlord is on that grind, as the kids say. The grind never stops. no breaks. Stops? no stops. the only thing the Shadowlord is putting a stop to is ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴛɪʀᴇ ʀᴜ'ᴀᴜɴ ʀᴇɢɪᴏɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴠɪʟʟᴀɢᴇ-ʟᴏʀᴅ sʏsᴛ���ᴍ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɢᴏᴠᴇʀɴs ɪᴛ. Hes up all night and all day, working hard for you. give him a big thank you.

Not convinced? here’s a cool diagram he made for you. this could be us. you could be partially dead BUT holding hands with your best bro the Shadowlord. and really, what’s better than that? ghat? yeah? no. nothing. nothing is better. look at this diagram and fucking weep.

•

SHADOWKNIGHTS AND IMMORTALITY

All Shadowknights are immortal, as in immune to giving a shit. they just dont give a shit. they can just sit around for hours not giving a shit. do you give a shit? you shouldnt. you shoulding. houlding. hold mushrrom. thats what you should be doing right now. what are you waiting for? well???????????

If you were a Shadowknight, you could be holding a mushroom right now. That’s right. a whole mushroom just for you. but you arent. so you wont. why not? what’s stopping you? pledging your undying allegiance to the Shadowlord isnt so bad, we promise. it rocks, actually. we have pizza parties at the end of every month. does your employer hold pizza parties at the end of every month? I didn’t fucking think so.

Now I know what you’re thinking. But I dont waaaannnaaa kill the person I love the most! Well guess what? Sometimes you have to make hard decisions in life. Which is why you’re lucky that this decision is actually an easy one! I mean think about it, end of the month pizza party, mortal emotional attatchments. attachemnts. atatchments. fuck. however you spell it. Which one sounds cool as hell? Thats right. I don’t even have to say it. you know the answer. you already know the answer. i put it in your breain and it stays there.

•

Your favorite pizza topping.

What do you want on your pizza? I know you’re technically not one of the bros yet, but theres no way you wont be after all this, so I figured I’d go ahead and get your order down. Yeah i know the pizza party is a month away. im not ordering it right now. im ordering it later. that way its still fresh when it shows up. 

Although the delivery times out here in the nether kinda stink if I’m being honest. dont tell the shadowlord I said that though. he puts in a lot of time and effort to making sure everything is cool down here and like, really he doesn’t need to worry about the whole pizza delivery thing. like he already puts in so much time, the least i can do is cover the pizza thing yknow? 

I actually made the pizzas one month. have you ever made hundreds of personal pan custom pepperoni pizzas. its a lot of work. seriously. I kept burning them. so many burnt personal pan piping hot pipper pepper pepperoni personal pan personal pizzas. luckily im immune to fire, and i can never die. if you were one of the bros, you could be too. here’s your pizza.

•

Consuming the Pizza

Go on. eat it. I made it for you. what do you mean when did I have time to make a pizza? just now, while we were talking. didn’t you notice? maybe not. I’m good at making pizzas quickly now. ive had a lot of practice. maybe we could make some personal pan pinni mini pan pepperoni pizzas togethethter sometime.

oh my god. wait. im an idiot. im a fool. i was so focused on making you your personal pan pipini piziza pepperoni peper piza that i didnt even hear what you wanted for your toppings. im so sorry. oh my gosh im so sorry. i really didn’t mean to, i just got caught up in the moment. really. i promise. i know this reflects really badly on the whole shadowknight thing, but i promise this is a rare occasion. really. all the bros here in the nether are really kind and thoughtful, so stuff like this rarely ever happens. I really hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

maybe its better that we dont have personal pipizini personal pan papaza pizzas. im not actually that good at making the pizazis. i lied. im sorry. im so sorry. this doesnt normally happen. i just wanted to sound cool. its been so long since someone’s considered joining the bros, i just wanted you to really like me. im so sorry. oh my god. im so sorry.

•

A Reformed Pizza

The pizza is metaphorical. we’re still friends, right? we’re still bros? future potential bros? the potential kinetic mechanical energy of bros? thats a little science joke for you, whwhwhere i just said the science words. I havent learned about science in a while, ive been stuck down here making personal pan pizzazos for a while. im sorry about the pizza thing again, by the way. i tossed  your bad personal pan pizza in the lava pool over there to make up for how sucks it was. it was really bad. yeah. its probably a good thing that nobody ate it.

A Sturdier Pizza

The pizza is literal. We can make a new pizza. together. with my powers and yours combined. give me your hand. we are holding hands now. these are the hands that will make a new pizza. together. we can do it if we believe. do you believe? in our new world? in our now pizza? you should. you should believe. you better fucking believe it.

look at thsi shit. ohhhhooooooollyf uck. look at that pizza. holy shit. look at that piza. holy shit. balls.

•

Natural Abiblibties

sorry im still jsut thinkginbg aboutt he pizza. homygod. holy shit. did youz seetheat pizza. did you see it. arey you looking. at the pizza. ohmygodc. look at thits. is. its. the pizza. its fucking perfect look at it. ive never made a pizza like that before. we diddit tofgotehr. we did it. the pizza. we did it.

iknow itsnoth the end of the month yet but iwant to have a pizza party. lets do it again. we’re strong enough. we can take on anything tofeger. antyhign. even pizza. especially pizaz. we can. iknow you dont believe it but its strue. lets do it again. lets make a pizza one more time. what dtopping do you want to put on it this time? mushrrom? we can do mushrrom.

here. im handing you a mushrrom. you can put it on the pizza. its a topping. there are many toppings you can put on pizza. you can put on extra cheese too. then iets ecxtra cheesy. cheesy peezy. pizza.

lets do it together.

•

Additional Pizzas

we’ve made so many pizzas. thatslike two whole pizzas. wholy fuck. holy shit. thats twho whole pizzas. bro. thats great! thats amazing! thats two more pizzas than we had before. like seriously we set our mind to the piizza and our brain to the pizza and you smush it and you sus it and then you pizza. woaw! pizza. pizza.

what if we made more pizzas.we could make a pizza for everyone. everyone could knpow of our pizzas. everyone could be just as happy as us. isnt that great? isnt that amazing? we could all pizzas. we could ALL pizzas.

hold on. im calling the bros. they need to know. they need to pizza. ive got two bros right here ready for a pizza. do you think we can do it. thats double the pizza we’ve already made. it could be tough. i know this is a lot of pressure, and it really means a lot to me, but its ok if you want to back down now. pizza is a lot of work. its hard work. i know it is. you know it now too. but we can pizza. we can pizza together.

•

THANK YOU FOR PIZZA!

:) the bros really enjoyed the pizza. thanks for helping me make pizza very appreciate very cool. pizza. im handing you a pizza coupon right now i am folding it into your hand. what store does it go to? dont worry about that. its just a coupon for pizza, you dont have to worry about the specifics. they’ll know what to do with it.

they’ll know.

:)