#knowing that i am the one who will be responsible for actually solving this problem

[the-warlock-syndicate]

Consider the following.

1: Ground bursts suck. Yes they are more radioactive, but maximizing casualties necessarily involve airburst configurations. Truck bomb is suboptimal.

2: Do you really think someone is going to drive over multiple country borders in a tense geopolitical situation, with terrorism being a well known possibility by every faction, and not get their load inspected? I don't know if customs works differently in the ME countries in question, but I am 90% certain you can't just drive to Tel Aviv from Tehran without being stopped. If only to check for smuggling.

3:Iran has launched satellites into stable orbit. Notably one last year. Between their ballistic missile program, and space program, they probably have all the necessary tools to put together ICBMs, even if they haven't tested them in that purpose. ICBMs are notoriously difficult to shoot down, and even Iran's more advanced medium range missiles had a much higher success rate against Israel than the lower tech stuff.

4:Israel is nuclear armed. Much better so than Iran would be as a hypothetical beginning nuclear power. The Israeli nuclear retaliation would be far more severe than Iran, if they went the first strike option. And they would retaliate without question.

5:My personal opinion is that Iran has been pursuing nuclear weapons, not to build them necessarily, but to hover around the latent nuclear status. In essence, all the tools they need to build bombs, but not taking the final step. Much like Japan. If the consequences were more severe in the war, if a ceasefire hadn't come soon, I could see them getting closer to the bomb, but I expect given their unstable position, they will be more likely to build up less troublesome forms of deterrence. It is much like Israel actually, strategic ambiguity with regards to a nuclear program. If they do obtain nuclear weapons, I honestly think their best bet is to officially deny having them, which making it clear that they do exist.

But I think that all this talk about Iran is catastrophizing. I don't like the government of Iran, but I also find the unprovoked attack on them abhorrent. But consider the signaling the countries were doing from a geopolitical perspective.

Iran launched a tepid counter response at a US base. That is a clear signal of their willingness to deescalate. The US accepted the signal, Trump even made fun of it, and was bitching both countries out to try and browbeat them into ceasefire.

It was shaky, but looks to be holding at this time.

I know that it was a scary situation, even for people who weren't in any danger. But take a deep breath. Iran is a fairly rational actor in geopolitics, and even if they do acquire a nuclear weapon, they are not going to nuke Israel in a first strike. If they go down that path, which I see as somewhat unlikely compared to reestablishing proxy groups, I expect we will see a series of underground tests. They will claim they are earthquakes, and seismic and radiation monitors in various intelligence agencies will confirm nuclear tests. At which point, there is a lot of back and forth in backchannels.

They are not in a position where they meaningfully can conduct a first strike, even if they had a weapon, and all the technological and logistical factors were waved away. It is not something they can deal with politically, via external or internal politics.

Ali Khamenei placed a religious ban on acquisition and use of WMDs. Violating that, and starting a nuclear war with Israel, would severely destabilize the state, and that is a problem nukes cannot solve. As a defensive measure, plausibly, but not as a first strike. As a theocratic country where the government is deeply unpopular with the populace, maintaining the support of the religious segments of the population is essential. Violating the fatwa without just cause undermines the government.

Just calm down.

Having to explain to way too many people that no, Iran doesn’t have nuclear weapons.

[thatswhatsushesaid]

psa if you are submitting a request for information to a public institution:

however justifiably pissed off and upset you are about whatever has caused you to submit your request, do not take out your anger and frustration on the records and privacy coordinator.

we are here to help you, and part of helping you means asking you questions about your request that may frustrate you because you have been living in your situation, and we have not. but we cannot help you without getting answers to questions that may, to you, seem pointless.

if you want us to help you, maybe take a breath, and then extend the little government worker bee who is trying very hard not to take your anger at them personally the same grace that they have no choice but to extend to you, because it is part of their job.

we want to help you.

[thebibliosphere]

Hello! I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have any thoughts on Howard Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain, Mind Body Syndrome, treating neuroplastic symptoms, etc.? I was just referred to a pain management group that centers around these concepts, and I'm having some Feelings about the whole thing.

Just wondering if you've had any experiences with this type of treatment, or thoughts about its effectiveness. Thanks!

Okay, so this is going to be long, and I'm going to need you to stick with me through the tangent. I promise it's relevant.

I haven't read Howard Schubiner's work directly, but his colleague Alan Gordon was a key speaker at the Migraine World Summit this year. I found his talk interesting enough to buy his book and do some more research on my own, and I found it worthwhile pursuing on my own.

I know enough from my mast cell disorder to know that the body develops 'bad habits' around pain.

In the case of anxiety, stress, or panic, mast cells become more reactive, and this can make pain worse. This is true for everyone*; it's just those of us with MCAS or some other type of mast cell disorder who have more alarming symptoms like idiopathic anaphylaxis.

So, unfortunately, if I, as someone with MCAS, experience an acute pain from an injury or illness, the inherent stress response of the pain and the out-of-balance response from my nervous system can make my mast cells degranulate. They're little fuckers like that.

Mast cells can also put your body on an inflammatory cycle that is counterproductive to healing. They can literally get trained to anticipate reactions and pre-emptively react, because again, they are little fuckers.

To give you an example of this for me: my major migraines, the ones that land me in the hospital, occur on the dot every ten days. There are no hormonal factors to this that can be found or other consistent triggers or stressors, but I was unknowingly being exposed to an MCAS trigger roughly every ten days for a while. When I realized, I removed the trigger, obviously. Problem solved, right? Unfortunatley no. By then, my mast cells had trained themselves into a new pattern, and the migraine now is both the response and the trigger. It's some bastard thing called Innate Immune Memory. But it's also, partly, my subconscious anticipating the event and priming my body for a reaction, which I am susceptible to because of my MCAS and dysautonomia, which is a type of nervous system disorder.

And this is where the neuroplasticity comes in.

I'm currently in the process of trying to unlearn this response and better regulate my nervous system, which unfortunately makes me sound like a TikTok girly with a link in bio to sell you cortisol healing tea, but I promise you the only thing I'm interesting in shilling is my smutty vampire books. (And this post will be how some people learn I write books)

Anyway, why am I bothering to explain mast cell dysfunction like this in relation to neuroplasticity?

Because, yeah, if a pain doctor handed me a leaflet about 'unlearning pain' and I didn't understand how my body is routinely sabotaging itself on a cellular level in response to acute and neuroplastic pain, I'd also be rolling my eyes and feeling like I've just been handed a bottle of snake oil in the market.

God knows I've been handed 'mindfullness' leaflets by enough shitty doctors who don't actually understand what it means when we say "stress affects the nervous system" and just assume the patient is inventing symptoms to be annoying.

Thankfully, that is not what this is. At least I am hoping the doctor sending you there doesn't think you are causing your own pain. What they are hopefully trying to do is introduce you to something that a lot of chronic pain patients are reporting helps them feel more in control of their lives after many years of feeling at the mercy of their pain.

I don't attend the sessions at my brain injury clinic (yet), but I do know they use neuroplasticity therapy to help amputees with the phantom pain they experience from missing limbs. My physical therapist spent an entire session singing its virtues to me while I was fighting for my life on a balance board. Which is also why I decided to look into it after I heard Gordon talking at the Migraine World Summit.

So, do I think Schubiner's methods are hokum?

No, I think there's a lot of merit to the things he talks about and explains, but I also know the only reason I think that is because of the insight I have into the brain-body bundle through the experiences of my mast cell disease that has taught me there is nothing the brain is incapable of fucking up.

Do I think targeting neuroplastic pain will work well for everyone?

No. I think you need to try it and see if it's a good fit for you.

Some people who attended the World Migraine Summit think it's snake oil/just another way for pain doctors to foist us off into the realm of mental health care. Conversely, other people won't shut up about how learning to break the cycle of fear and panic around their pain has been life-altering for them.

For me, it's been more subtle and is part of a broader spectrum of therapies and medical treatment I use to keep my nervous system in check. It certainly hasn't done me any harm. If anything, I found it quite validating to hear someone say, "Oh, the pain is in your head? Of course it is. Let's try to fix that," and then gave me actionable coping methods. They might not work profoundly in the long term. I'm still a sick bitch with multiple acute causes of my pain. But it's also not harming me the way mindfulness was (many chronic pain patients can find it traumatizing).

I will say, I am concerned that some doctors will use the treatment of neuroplastic pain to dismiss treating acute pain with physical causes.

Just like how mindfulness has been abused by an overworked, underfunded medical system not equipped to handle chronic patients, there's also the risk of neuroplastic therapy being tossed over the fence in a similar fashion as a last ditch Hail Mary to treat patients they don't have time for. But I don't think it's widespread enough yet for that to be the case.

I dunno. Give it a try. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

Personally, I hate anything that revolves around group therapy, but I did find the book "The Way Out" by Alan Gordon insightful in helping me figure some things out. Maybe see if your local library has it before you drop money on any sessions?

_ _ _

*There has also been more compelling evidence recently that suggests that chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia are also affected by wonky mast cells. Also arthritis.

[jayktoralldaylong]

One of my favourite things about Arcane is that all the couples can be read as toxic, which is GREAT.

I'm tired of people bringing morality debates into dark media. Let dark media be fucking dark. You guys wouldn't survive a day in the TMA fandom, needing everyone to be as good as gold. How are they going to make for enjoyable complex characters if they're not morally grey. In fact, I wish there'd been more expansion on just how morally black they can become!

"CaitVi is so toxic" According to lesbian statistics, that sounds just about accurate. 💀 Heck, I wish Caitlyn had done more (Not really, but it would have been nice to further explore the darkness in her heart). Isn't it adorable how she immediately folded as soon as Vi called her cupcake? Caitlyn's like one of those villains that will consistently do the most....until it comes to someone else hurting her girlfriend. The only one allowed to hurt her girlfriend is her. 💀

Then let's talk about Vi. Someone pointed out how Vi never cared about Zaun's independence in the first place and many people yelled that they were wrong. But actually, they were right. Vi never wanted Zaun. Zaun was Silco's dream, and Jinx inherited that dream cause Silco would never shut up about it. Vi wanted Piltover to take responsibility for all the shit they allowed to happen in the Undercity. That's a part of the reason she joined up with Caitlyn in the first place. Let's not forget she wasn't dissuaded when she dragged Jayce down to fight with her and he killed a child. Children been dying, it's been her whole life. Someone needed to do something about it, and Zaun would have just isolated the people from all the privileges that Piltover SHOULD have been providing for them. Some people just can't accept that Independence cannot in fact solve every problem, and sometimes independence is colonisers running away from the responsibility of fixing the mess that they started in the first place.

Besides, we all know Vi joined up with the Enforcers because "I feel like I am worthless if I can't be of service." She'd already run out of family members to serve, Caitlyn was the next best thing. She's just like Jayce.

And speaking of Jayce, let's talk about his violent levels of codependency with anyone who'll give him attention. People LOOOOVE to talk about Mel, but it's there with Viktor too. When bro wasn't basing his worth on his inventions, he was centering it around Viktor.

Viktor who decided at some point in his life that he would not LIVE without Jayce. He was fine dying without him, but living without him was unacceptable. Oh how healthy. 🙄😂 Viktor be the kind of toxic ex to threaten divorce 500 times over, then burn the world when you actually leave him. Jayce is no better cause he's the kind of guy to keep going back to his toxic Ex.

Yes, Mel is manipulative. That's what I love about her. How are you guys failing to give this woman the praise of being an outsider in Piltover, but running their entire council. 💀 Girl raises her hand once and the whole government starts spinning. She was the best sugar mummy Jayce and Viktor could ever ask for. She kept the whole city running. Literally the entire of Piltover dancing on her palm. And yes she manipulated Jayce but let's not forget she thought that was a love language. 💀 You wanna be mad at someone, be mad at Ambessa for raising her that way.

I also don't think it's fair to blame her for the Undercity situation, she's not native. Monkey see, monkey do, and not a single one of those Council members actually cared about the situation down there, it was deplorable. 💀 Jayce did way more in his two weeks as Councillor than any of those drug pushing, money laundering, Piltovian heads of government.

And that just covers MelJayVik, we don't even need to get fully into TimeBomb, cause we know what's wrong there. 💀 Surely we have not forgotten the many teammates Jinx has killed, but making sure to never kill Ekko cause that's her man. Ekko has a lot to unpack, like how his consistent and unwavering love for Jinx is an indication of a lot of doors he might not be ready to open. I know they dynamics go crazy and I love to see it.

Ambessa and Sevika are a crack ship but I'm sure we all know bedroom dynamics go crazy with Mrs. Warlord and Miss Liberation. I love it when characters clash in a toxic heap. It's insane and should be explored.

Quit saintifying my toxic ships with your woke morality debates. If you want everyone to be sunshine and rainbows then you should be watching literally anything else. 💀 "It's not healthy." GOOD, I like it that way. 💀 Angst, spice and trauma are the recipe for a plethora of explorative fanfiction. Any of their dynamics can be taken in any toxic direction and I want that EXPLORED.

[maybefae]

What do you need to hear right now?

Pile 1 - Pile 2 - Pile 3

Remember, this is a general reading and it may not resonate for everyone or completely. Tarot is a tool to help guide but you are responsible for your actions and life, you choose your path.

Tips!

|Pile 1

Tarot: The Tower, Page of Pentacles, The Moon, Queen of Swords, Knight of Swords, King of Cups, Ten of Pentacles, The Hierophant, Four of Cups (bottom of the deck)

Advice: The Opossum and Peony — bashfulness, The Bear and Cedar — leadership

Mhm, Pile 1… Well, I am doing your pile second and I also got distracted for 10 minutes (and keep getting distracted) as if I was avoiding something…Much like how you are. :)

This feels more job related, but adapt it how you will. One of the things that distracted me actually feels similar to the messages I am receiving for you. My sister was trying to find her guitar tuner, which my father had previously used for his bass a few weeks ago. But she couldn’t find it on her desk so she asked me to help find it. But the more we looked, our parents ended up joining in on the search. Turns out, the tuner was clamped on her amp right in plain sight.

You are trying to achieve something but you have come to obstacles that you can’t solve by yourself. I mean, you can…but it would certainly take a lot longer. Ask for help, Pile 1. There is someone, maybe more qualified, that could help. This person could also have others join in to work on the problem as well so there is a whole team that is striving to solve whatever problem you have encountered. 

I don’t know if you’re stubbornly independent, shy, or both. But the solution is really simple and is presented right in front of your eyes that you are neglecting to even flirt with the idea. Your solution is to just ask for help. You may have that “well, that was stupid” feeling that you get when something turns out a lot smoother than expected after worrying yourself sick beforehand. For example, when I was in uni, I used to worry myself way too much over exams that I had studied for extensively and I knew that I knew all the material — I take the test and ended up with a passing or perfect score which I was then left dumbfounded that I worried so much in the first place. 

You would probably help someone if they asked so why do you think that someone else wouldn’t do the same? You’d actually be surprised that other people would extend kindness and help.

|Pile 2

Tarot: Six of Swords, Page of Pentacles, Queen of Swords, The Empress, Ten of Pentacles, The Emperor, Ten of Swords, Six of Cups (reversed), Three of Swords (bottom of the deck)

Advice: The Quail and Gooseberry — Anticipation

Hello Pile 2! I am actually doing your pile first because the energy was being really insistent and I also feel like someone’s spirit guide was pushing me to start with your pile first. It’s a more feminine energy but it also almost feels like an angel or light being in an androgynous sense. I don’t know if that was any help trying to determine who or what it could be for you.

Pile 2, I keep second guessing myself and it’s really reflective of the energies in your reading. It’s like you keep digging your heels into the ground while an energetic force pulls you in the direction you need to be going. This could honestly be the spirit guide I was picking up on. There’s, not stubbornness per say, but an unwillingness to move. You may have to move in a direction that causes a lot of emotional turmoil for you. You do know that you need to make this move but you keep saying “I don’t know” because you truly don’t want to make the decision, even if it’s what is best at the moment. 

The way I’m getting these messages is really fast and it’s really hard to grasp each one so I can relay it because it’s so much. There could be a lot of energy surrounding this (dark or light), either way, both energies are a conductor that will facilitate this movement. Or you have spirit guides that are grabbing you by the arms and dragging you in a direction because you have stalled for so long. Think of it as a pipe — you are the blockage that is backing up all the energy behind you and at some point, the force behind you will move you.  

This situation has to do with walking away from something. A partner, family, a childhood friend, something from your childhood, or something that wasn’t the best for you and you knew you should go but you stayed (leading to you getting hurt over and over again). This could be an “older daughter/sibling” dynamic that you want to break but it leaves you feeling terribly guilty. If it is, just know that your younger siblings want you to do what is best for you and to stop beating yourself up. 

I don’t really like to bring up “divine feminine/masculine” energy but I don’t have other terms to use… But there is a need to bring balance. If you’re an older daughter, that will be incredibly difficult since it’s usually harder to truly express emotions and just let everything flow, not controlling everything. But I remember hearing about “feminine rage” energy and how you can confuse it with divine masculine energy. Feminine rage energy is the act of plowing forward with endless amounts of adrenaline until a hardship is done and your safe, it’s quiet because you’re detached from emotions, it’s easier to burn out, and you endure until you're safe and then you collapse. Masculine energy is more about self discipline — you have routines and boundaries that take care of your physical body, mental health, etc, and you are more logical but your emotions aren’t ignored. 

A lot of you are at different points. Some need to make the decision to walk away from someone or something while others are told to develop a healthier balance in your life now that you’ve made said decision. Your guides want me to tell you that there is a lot to anticipate in the future (but won’t specify what…It’s definitely a surprise).

|Pile 3

Tarot: Nine of Swords, Past Lives (Death), Ten of Wands, The Vessel (The Devil), Eight of Cups, The Shapeshifter (Knight of Wands), Two of Cups, Five of Wands, Seven of Wands (bottom of the deck)

Advice: The Fox and Ivy — Adaptability

I saw The Vessel while I was shuffling and had already got a message but I ended up putting it back and just shuffling the cards out. The Vessel is The Devil in this deck that I’m using and the image is a lot less scary than the original picture we get with the devil card. It’s a drawing of a capped vase and there’s a lot of light coming from it, practically glowing. And definition-wise, a vessel is used to transport something — but it’s also contained to that space. 

Some of you have an addiction (when I saw it the first time, someone very much needs to quit vaping/smoking but it could really be anything) that has really hindered your life and has trapped you. A bad habit, substance abuse, a mindset, anything. This addiction has entrapped you…It could’ve once been something that actually allowed you to carry through life, but only so far. Again, you are stuck in the walls of this vessel. And I get the feeling that this addiction has finally reached the point where it is getting annoying to you. There’s frustration that this addiction has so much power over you and your life. You are ready to lift the lid on the vase and finally set yourself free. For some of you, this could be breaking generational trauma.

I feel like you know this, but this reading could be external validation to finally take baby steps towards your personal freedom. I want you to know that I support you. Breaking any addiction isn’t easy and it’s very easy to fall back to bad habits, but it’s the fact that you are willing to try over and over again to finally get the freedom you want that means the most. It could look like you’re lazy or not trying hard, but trust me, there’s a lot of strength and courage and willpower that you have to muster to try after failing numerous times. 

You love yourself. You are willing to try to get better and that is loving yourself, even if you are hard on yourself sometimes. Be gentle with yourself. Tough love isn’t beating yourself up — it’s willing to be disciplined with yourself. And ya know, you may have to try different ways to break the cycle. It may not land with the first way you try and it may not be in a way someone else does it. It honestly could be unconventional.

I am supporting you and I’m sending love. xoxo

Dividers: @inklore

[artbyblastweave]

I’ve been vaguely following TF2 comics (I’ve read 6 and 7 and know a few plot beats and the general storyline) and from the outside it seems like Engineer and Pyro have gotten way less “screen time” than anyone else

Pyro makes sense, there’s only so much you can do with them but Engineer feels way to engaging to be left out like that

so am i wrong or is Engie just not shown to much, and if so why?

Engineer is noticeably out of focus in the comics, and there are two important throughlines in his characterization contributing to this.

The first is that out of the nine mercenaries he's always been the most plugged in to the backstory- the comic where we learned his real name is the one that introduced the backstory, he's the only one of the mercenaries to have actually canonically met one the Mann brothers, the only one who for sure knows what the gravel wars are ostensibly being fought over- and that level of involvement with the background plot, coupled with his genius, level-headedness and comparatively high empathy, makes him difficult to position front-and-center as a protagonist without breaking a bunch of things.

The second thing setting him apart from the rest of the mercenaries is that while he's enough of an eccentric to rise to the challenge of the setting's gonzo insanity, he's almost never the instigator of any of it. His Meet the Team video consists of him sitting and relaxing while his sentry guns mow down waves of assailants, monologuing about the measured practicality of his escalating response. His response to the teleporter tumor problem in Expiration Date is a grounded and practical approach to a ridiculous situation (that's exacerbated by Soldier.) He's minding his own business when a rocket full of space guns lands on his back acre on Christmas Eve, he spends the entirety of Loose Canon flummoxed by Blutarch's amoral insanity (though importantly, he's nonetheless willing to take the man's money for services rendered.) He's a fantastic straight man when the narrative needs such a figure, but his isn't a flashy insanity. He's not Soldier, he's not Medic, he's not even Heavy as far as out-of-pocket gag behavior goes. Almost all humor involving the Engineer has to do with his reaction (or lack thereof) to the bizarre carnage around him.

These factors are reflected in the role he ends up playing in TF comics 6 and 7. He's kept in the background of the plot in a reactive role, doing his professional best as an Engineer to maintain the Administrator's life extender- a frustated care-provider to a deeply unwell patient who doesn't always take his advice, a grounded, practical facilitator of what ultimately turns out to be the most deranged behavior of the entire story, seeing his contract out to the bitter end. And this is the way in which his apparent groundedness wraps back around into a distinct brand of crazy, no better than anyone else. The Administrator's real plan is something he's a reasonable enough person to disapprove of in the abstract. He's clearly aware something is rotten at the core of all this- he describes Miss Pauling actually managing to recover more Australium as her having created a problem rather than having solved one, he was on some level relieved to realize this was all drawing to a close. But none of this was something he was willing to break his professional obligations over and thus something he (and two generations of his family before him) deliberately kept themselves in the dark about so that they wouldn't have to reckon with it or make that call.

This passivity and level-headedness allow him to play an extremely important narrative role once everything is out in the open- he's the only member of the main cast who can present Miss Pauling with her Road-to-Damascus moment over what to do with the remaining Australium with any credible gravity. He's the only character left in the main cast besides Pauling herself who's plugged in enough that his analysis of her situation carries any weight. He's the only one of the Mercenaries from whom "If you keep it, I won't help you" means anything at all or is even a believable ultimatum- the rest of the mercs might have been freaked out by The Administrator specifically, but do you really think they wouldn't have just kept following their friend Miss Pauling if she kept signing their checks? He does what he's always done- he examines the situation, lays out the available options, and leaves the final call up to others. The only thing that changes- and, to some extent, a sign of his off-screen character development- is this time is that he finally draws a line in the sand as to what course of action he'll lend his expertise to. He threatens to finally, finally remove himself from the situation unless Pauling decides that she wants him to help her finally, finally solve the problem once and for all.

[sflow-er]

"I think we who 'fit the norms' have a responsibility to understand those who live their lives differently. We need to know how to listen." Axel Åhman, Efter nio, 2020

One of the great things about discovering KAJ is that I have also fallen a tiny bit in love with Axel Åhman outside of the group. I mean, I haven't even had the chance to read his books yet, but the kinds of things I've seen him discuss in his writer and journalist role have already really endeared him to me.

It started with his documentary show Utanför boxen. Most specifically, episode 4, in which Axel talked to a nonbinary ace person, a sexologist, and two poly people (one of whom may have also been bi) about allonormativity, amatonormativity, and gender normativity. Even if those terms weren't used in the episode itself.

It's hard to even explain how happy it made me to see asexuality discussed in such an affirmative way on Finnish TV. Axel had even deduced on his own that the estimate of 1% of the world's population being ace was probably an understatement, which the sexologist and ace person confirmed for him. As someone who only discovered my aceness in my thirties, I really appreciated that being covered.

But perhaps even more than the ace side of things, I loved how Axel genuinely seemed to listen to his guests and wanted to learn from them.

"I'm starting to see how privileged I actually am as a straight man. Nobody questions me. Life is an open motorway before me. All I need to do is drive on; I won't be stopped at any red lights. Eri for example has to explain themself in several respects, basically every day. It's strong [of them] to be up to having that discussion every time."

This lesson on privilege clearly wasn't one Axel just learned for the show and forgot. He also repeated it in interviews conducted after his first book came out, such as the Efter nio clip linked at the top of this post and an interview with his alma mater's student paper.

Speaking of his first book, it's a short story collection with masculinity as the overarching theme. It's titled Klein; a dialectal variant of the word klen (meaning frail, weak, feeble or delicate), used to disparage men who don't conform to normative masculinity.

The interview in the student paper is by far not the only one where Axel has talked about how strict social norms weigh people down and how it should be okay for a man to be kle(i)n, but these snippets from said interview are still pretty illustrative.

In his stories, he examines behaviours connected to masculinity. Competition, rivalry and lifting oneself up by putting others down are some of the things Åhman highlights as problematic. [--] Åhman thinks there are definitely problematic sides to masculinity, and that a certain culture of machismo is still alive today.

"I think confidence has a lot to do with being a man. We are taught that we are allowed to take space, and nobody questions us when we do. We men are allowed to be more visible and audible." Åhman says he wasn't particularly good at playing instruments or singing when he first got on stage, but he still had the nerve to get up there and perform. He believes the bar is higher for girls to make it on to the stage than it is for boys. "It's stupid to raise a child into a specific gender role. I hope increased awareness can help solve that problem in the future."

When asked what he thinks of the phrase 'Boys will be boys', he says he finds it incredibly problematic. Boys are more seldom held accountable for their actions, and society makes excuses for them.

This thread of highlighting problematic aspects of masculinity doesn't end with Axel's book authorship, either. It even extends to the workplace comedy series Halln, which he wrote with Joel Rönn (and in which Jakob from KAJ starred alongside Joel).

The two guys vying for power at the company are both sexist in their own ways. Joel's character (Mikael) acts very overtly and anciently sexist, often treats graphic designer Emilia like his personal assistant, has even put up a "girl calendar" in the break room.

Next to Mikael, Jakob's character (Jona) seems like a very sweet and modern man, which he in many ways is! Yet he still doesn't listen to Emilia after asking her impressions on what could be improved at the company. He latches on to her mention of a ping pong table because he used to be a ping pong champion, but he completely disregards her wishes. When a romance develops between them, he decides that they will move together to his father's villa in Spain - and when she asks what she's supposed to do there, he says she can just chill by the pool until he comes home from work (!).

"Let me ask you this: where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know." "Exactly. You don't know. Do you know where I see you?" "Well?" "In Spain, with me."

There is simply no way Axel didn't have a hand in writing Jona like this. I can't wait to see what happens and whether the character experiences any growth if the show gets a second season.

And although I said at the start that this would be about Axel in other roles, I do have to end this appreciation post on a KAJ note. Namely, I watched an interview today that I hadn't seen before, where the host asked Axel, what message would KAJ stand for if they had to get political?

Axel answered that they already sort of did that with Gambämark. They started writing it in 2017, when a musical about a conservative village that walls itself off from the world felt very topical and political. They wanted to advocate for a more open [inclusive] society and "letting all the flowers bloom", so to speak.

To the question "are you feminists?", he replied, "Yes, I think so. We think so, even as we are three men and sometimes wonder if we would have got the same opportunities if we were three women."

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Wicked Games 9

Warnings: non/dubcon, cheating, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Character: Steve Rogers

Summary: you had a one night stand. Or did you?

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️

You sit in the front room of Steve’s apartment. The vague recollection of that morning you fled tugs at your mind. You should have left Barrett then. Maybe if you hadn’t been such a coward, he would still be alive. 

It’s not just your mistake you ran from. It was reality. You put off the inevitable for far too long. You didn’t want your relationship to end. Not like that. On top of all that mess, you ignored yourself, your body, for too long. 

By the count of it, you’re nearly two months along. There’s no question who the father is. You and Barrett barely slept in the same bed, let alone got anywhere close to intimate. 

You drop your head and shiver. 

A shadow approaches and something clinks gently on the polished coffee table. You wince and glance up with only your eyes. You don’t move as you feel him looming over you. 

“Tea. Uncaffeinated. Gotta be safe--” 

“Why are you doing this?” You drone to the floor. 

“It’s been a long night. I figured it would help--” 

“Not the goddamn tea.” You lift your head and glare up to him. “We don’t know each other. I don’t want to know you. I don’t want this baby inside of me--” 

“You’re emotional. It’s hormones.” He says calmly. “I can recognise that. You’re not speaking from a good place right now. A lot has happened. You got big news and you’ve lost someone you loved. Once.” 

“You killed him. You—you murderer!” You stand and he shifts to meet you. He’s big. Not that you didn’t notice before but face to face, it’s even more obvious. You’re no match for someone like him. Not for Captain America. 

His jaw ticks and his eyes narrow. “I protected you. He was choking you. I could hear his pulse. He was full of adrenaline. He would’ve killed you if I hadn’t stopped him.” 

“And? All my problems would be solved--” 

“Don’t say that,” he snarls. His veneer cracks and his face contorts in anger. “You won’t talk like that when you’re carrying my child inside of you.” 

“I’m not keeping it--” 

“It’s not your decision.” 

“It’s my body,” you snip. 

He takes a deep breath and his nostrils flare as he lets it out. He considers you and his features ease. “Like I said, you’re not thinking straight right now. Sit down and have your tea.” 

You stare at him then look past him to the door. He puts his hands on your shoulders, drawing your gaze back to him. He pushes until you sit. Enough to warn you of his full force. You gulp as your butt meets the couch. 

“Stop acting like this is the worst thing that could happen to you,” he drags a hand away and grabs the tea. “I’d say it’s the best thing you could hope for.” 

He hands you the cup, holding it by the body even as it steams. You take it by the handle and watch him. He releases it as your knuckles touch the searing porcelain and you tremble.  

“Besides, where are you going to go?” 

His question breaks the last of your resolve. Your shoulders slump and you look down into the depths of the pale herbal brew. You blow over it and drink without feeling the singe on your tongue. That simple act keeps you from devolving into a new fit of horror. 

He turns and sits beside you. You want desperately to move away but you don’t have the energy. You’re not sure if it’s acceptance, fear, or just complacency.

You’re done. It’s over. Each time you close your eyes, you see the blood pooling under Barrett’s battered head. 

“That’s it, deep breaths.” He reaches to rub your back. “All that excitement, you gotta be exhausted.” 

You don’t react. Not even a twitch. He caresses your shoulder and his fingertips flutter across to your neck. His touch creeps up and he pets your hair. 

Your eyes search and land on his shield. It hangs from the wall. The edge is still dark red. Your vision blurs as you fixate on it. 

“Wash it off.” You grit through your teeth. 

“What?” He winces and runs his index and thumb along your neck, resting his hand across the back. 

“His blood. His fucking blood!” You slam down the mug and it sloshes, scalding your hand. You yelp and wrench away from him. You stumble to your feet and storm across the apartment. “Get rid of it! Gone! Gone!” 

You grab the bottom of your shirt and wipe the reddened metal. The blood chips away and flecks onto your hand. You whimper and drop the shield, recoiling. You cover your face and heave. 

“God! Just make it stop!” You shriek. “This can’t be real. It can’t!” You spin and stagger around dizzily. “No, no, no--” 

“Sweetheart,” Steve’s footsteps mirror his placid tone as he approaches. “Stop it.” 

“What is wrong with you?” You tear your hands away from your face and growl. “Why don’t you care? You killed him!” 

He stares at you. His expression is tepid. His head tilts as the corners of his lips curve, just a little. 

“Why would I care? I got you.” He shrugs. 

[evilzsat]

Addressing the "drama"

Before I start, I never wanted to make this post because I was scared of being harassed by people. But that already happened, so I got nothing to lose! I'm sorry for those people who are annoyed by this drama already but I need to address some things because it seems like DREAMING-OF- BARBI and his fiance kiskii are spreading misinformation and kiskii is trying to make it seem like Elliot is the victim. Name dropping? Yeah I don't care anymore, harassing a kid and other people in the outlast community is too far so I don't care if you call this "witchhunting" or whatever.

So here's the stuff they have done in a server which had MINORS.

I'm gonna split some stuff apart so you'll understand better

ELLIOT'S SERVER

Dreaming-of-Barbi aka Elliot made a server for Outlast ocs and he shared the link on his tumblr. Only mutuals could join and people who asked for the invite. Since it didn't say it was a 18+ server or not I joined, and I actually got in so it wasn't one. He followed me and saw that I'm a minor because I HAD IT IN MY BIO.

The server was still new so I offered to help making the roles because I have experience and I really liked how the server was so far. I became a mod immediately, even though I was confused because I was a minor and I thought I couldn't become a mod.

THE IMPORTANT PART: After a few days there was an argument happening in the server because we found out one of the members is a pr0shipper. Now I don't wanna get into this whole topic, there were minors in the server so you know what I'm trying to say! It's dangerous! I know it is. I was harassed by one of those people and it made me suicidal for a long time. I struggle with trusting people because of it.

Elliot was present during the argument but HE LEFT and before that he said "I'm not in the mood to deal with this right now" or something like that. I can't provide proof for this because the server was deleted. He left us alone, so we had to deal with the problem and we did. I banned the pr0shipper for obvious reasons. MINORS WERE THERE.

We had a groupchat for mods only. After I banned the pr0shipper Elliot was angry at us because he "couldn't see what happened" he was present. he did see what's happening but he left because he is not a responsible owner.

Now this message wouldn't even be a problem because it's understandable. The red lines show what's the problem, HE WAS PRESENT. He knew something was happening! But he didn't do anything about it because "he was shaken up". Why are you an owner then? And have a problem with your mods doing YOUR job.

My response to his message. I agree I should've not deleted the messages, that was dumb of me. But that's not the problem here.

Here's Elliot defending pr0shipping. He is dismissing the problem and he DOESN'T CARE about pr0shippers being around minors. This just straight up confirms he is one of them which I wouldn't care about if he didn't become friends with minors and let them be in his server. I'm not gonna explain the red lines because hopefully you can see what's wrong.

Again, the same problem. Dismissing the problem and saying that ONLY RACIST PEOPLE AND HOMOPHOBIC PEOPLE SHOULD BE BANNED IMMEDIATELY.

At this point I was freaking out because I didn't feel safe anymore. I didn't know who am I talking to.

"You shouldn't be a mod if you are a minor" Like I said, I had it in my tumblr bio. My instagram bio. My mod intro in the server WHICH ELLIOT REACTED TO.

I meant to say "Learn to read bios"

"Moonweaver" is kiskii

This again provides my point. They don't care about minors safety, they are exposing them to content they shouldn't see and think "blocking" and a "blacklist" is gonna solve the problem Spoiler: IT WON'T. THEY ARE IN THE SAME SPACE.

After this, Jollytarp asked Elliot if he knew what Pr0shipping means because at this point even though the "argument" ended we all felt unsure and unsafe. We thought maybe it was a misunderstanding.

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF MINORS BEING GROOMED BY HIS OWN SERVER MEMBERS. I'm not gonna repeat myself, hopefully you see the problem.

"Witch hunt" there was no witch hunt. I banned someone who was making people feel unsafe, they don't want to be in the same space as them for obvious reasons.

"People I know being hurt because of pettiness" Again, not gonna repeat myself. Those type of people hurt me and many people, this is not pettiness. AND LETTING THEM INTERACT WITH MINORS IS DANGEROUS.

ELLIOT HARASSING ME

Elliot blocked both of my accounts. I could not see his posts. One of the people I know sent a post which said that Franco did nothing wrong and that he's a victim.

I always block and scroll, but one thing I can't stand is people being misogynistic EVEN TOWARDS FICTIONAL WOMEN. Women face enough shit in real life.

This was not witch hunting, I was stating my opinion on this topic since I already felt overwhelmed by some Franco fans who were "babying" him and I did it BECAUSE I can, it's the internet. FREE SPEECH.

I made my post, then you all know what happened. Elliot started pretending that I'm harassing people when it was all him.

Here is him trying to make it seem like I'm the anon.

"I'm not worried because I know I haven't done anything wrong" Yeah okay. "I don't care" He did care because he spent a whole day harassing me with his fiance.

Also, here's his fiance saying that Elliot is the one getting "harassed." THERE IS NO WITCH HUNTING. At this point I'm just repeating myself.

I'm not gonna start talking about this person's post because, I'm gonna be blunt, but it's bullshit. Using "minor" as an insult because you can't say anything else is honestly embarassing.

THESE PEOPLE ARE ADULTS PUTTING MINORS IN DANGER AND ALSO HARASSING ME AND THE OUTLAST COMMUNITY. PLEASE BLOCK THEM AND SPREAD THIS POST.

@ramontism (Ramoro) @crispy-dib (Jollytarp) the mods on the screenshots.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Everything Feels Forced and Bad

Anonymous said: I'm not very new to writing but I've reached this point where I hate everything I write. I have many ideas, settings, and thoughts, but whenever I try to weave them into actual chapters, I hate whatever I write. It all feels bad and forced, so I stop writing after a chapter or so and am scared to start new chapters. How do I get out of this vicious cycle?

[Ask edited for length]

The good news is, this probably isn't a problem with your ideas, but your attempt at executing them, and that's an easier thing to fix.

"I'm not very new to writing" doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. It could mean you've been writing for three months or thirty years, but even if you have been writing for thirty years, if you write primarily fan-fiction, memoir fiction, or small town love stories (for example), that doesn't mean you know even the first thing about how to structure a fantasy novel, a murder mystery, or a dystopian thriller (for example...)

You mention struggling to weave your ideas into actual chapters, but the emphasis on chapters is a clue that your issue is not knowing how to structure your ideas, not the ideas themselves. If you're emphasizing chapters as being the structural element of your story rather than actual plot points, it's like trying to divide a road trip into each leg without having a map.

One of the most important elements of plot structure is the story's conflict--in other words, the internal or external problem (or both) your character must resolve. Without a conflict, you can't have an inciting incident, you can't have the obstacles and challenges that make up various plot points, and you can't have a climax where the conflict is resolved--or at least an attempt at resolution is made. So, that's the best place to start when you're trying to pull your ideas together into a story. What's the conflict? What problem exists within your character or outside of your character that they must resolve? How do they get roped into solving this problem? If it's an external conflict, how does it relate to their internal conflict (if they have one)? Who or what is responsible for creating/exacerbating this problem? What goal does the protagonist pursue in order to resolve the problem? What obstacles and challenges are put in their way by the person/people/force that created the problem? How do they overcome these obstacles and challenges? How do they face off against the problem to resolve it once and for all?

Once you have these elements figured out, you can start looking at structure templates to get some idea for how you might want to structure it. Structure templates are just a guideline... you don't have to follow them closely or exactly. They just give you some ideas about the kinds of plot points that can happen to help your story along, and approximately where in the story they might occur.

You can see my post about creating a detailed story outline for some structure templates to check out.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

♦ Questions that violate my ask policies will be deleted! ♦ Please see my master list of top posts before asking ♦ Learn more about WQA here

[milenalovememe]

Okay, i think enough time has passed, it’s time to talk a little bit about the whole bbh situation and the reaction it got out of people.

WARNING - long ass post. Please don’t read if you allergic to yapping. (spoilers - it’s not a Bbh defend post)

I’m not going to defend him, for what he did. He’s an adult, he can solve his own problems. What I am what to talk about is the hypocrisy of this whole situation.

It’s never been a secret, who bbh’s friend are. But, when the game happened, and everyone got reminded of that fact, everyone started hating on him. But that reaction didn’t surprised me. What did, however, is the fact that the whole double standard about bbh and his viewers. Saying things like “ his watchers always been like this, they always enabled him” or “ people who support him are just as bad as him, cuz he friends with bad people”. And it’s fine to feel that way, but like…why are we criticising only Bad and his community for it?

Funny thing - many of Ghosties were the one calling Bad out and asking him to address things. They actually did hold Bad accountable and some even dropped watching him. I might be wrong, but I haven’t seen anyone trying defend him. But people still treated them like they were the problem too, but like no???

While we at it, why other people, who were in the lobby got scoot free? I saw some people mentioning some of them, but not on the same scale as Bad, what’s the deal with that?

There are many cc, who are friends with bbh. They been his friends since TRsmp, Qsmp, and even before that. And even people, who knew about the lobby - Foolish, Ros, Lukey, Aimsey - are still cool with him. But almost no one says anything about them, critic them or said how bad of a people they are, for still supporting him. Why aren’t we calling them spineless, but ghosties are?

It reminds me about the situation with Quackity and the whole qsmp admins situation. Say what you want about it, but Quackity did hold some responsibility for what happened. But everyone is still so supportive of him and Qsmp. He even continues to sell figurines of eggs, and make money of them. And like no one tells him he is a bad person for the mistakes he made. Which is crazy, cuz I know, if bbh did something like that, EVERYONE would be on his ass, calling him greedy, exploitive and so on.

To conclude - while I think it’s fair to dislike bad, hold him accountable and not support him, I do think we should hold other cc responsible for the same things we blame him as well. Because it’s really unfair to only bash him, cuz you don’t like him, but give pass to other because you watch him/don’t think there are as important to your as others.

[sheeezu]

I’ve been trying to shift for the past five years. I love shifting and it’s honestly the one thing that kept me going all this time and gave me hope and it just felt right. Everytime I would feel demotivated I would change my mindset, think positively, and try again. Or I would take breaks and then try again. I have tried every method and then realized I didn’t like methods so I tried no methods and just intention which I liked but then the cycle would repeat after trying for so long and not shifting at all. I’ve had moments where I’ve felt myself shifting but never got further than that or actually fully woke up in my dr or wr. I’m a stubborn person and never wanted to give up on shifting because I know I can do it and I know I deserve it and it is what my soul wants. But lately I’m so burnt out with my cr life which never gives me a break and with trying to shift to the point where I’m thinking of giving it up even though I don’t want to and it’s been the one thing giving me hope. I’ve even tried not to try to shift and just go with the flow and simply affirmed but I still wake up here. I know a lot of other shifters feel the same way as me who have been trying for years. But I’ve reached this unfortunate point where I have lost a bit of faith and am too tired to try anymore even though it’s everything I want. It’s like I see it dangling in my face and see other people get it easily and I know I can have it too but I can never reach it and now it’s too exhausting. But it’s like even if I took another break, the cycle will just repeat like it has been. And trust me I’ve read everything and tried changing my mindset and thought positively and have had hope and know I can shift. I know this seems like I’m just ranting and having the most negative mindset so you’re like well of course this is why you’re not shifting, but genuinely after trying your best at something you’ve loved for five years and still nothing and in fact things are just getting worse in your life when you’ve done your best at juggling everything from work, school, family, and shifting, just to feel like you are going no where and lost everything anyways, that can break down even the most hopeful positive of people like me in my shifting journey. I don’t know if there’s any advice you can hopefully provide for this that I probably haven’t heard but thank you anyways for all you do and I’ve always admired who you are and how authentic you are. ❤️ who knows maybe something will miraculously change for me when I least expect it but for now here I am! ❤️

Of course, you're right, that I've probably got nothing new for you, but maybe what I'm about to say may ease your stress, make it fade away from background.

Shifting is dependent on which lens you to try to look at it.

If you looked at it through the eyes of your CR self, then of course, you'll remain your CR self.

But if you were to view it from your DR self's eyes, shifting won't be there, but your DR will be.

Shifting is all about breaking a mold. to solve shifting like any other worldly problems, robotically, like you're trying to pass on a test, is not how it works.

Simply assume you're not human. I know you've mentioned the struggle of juggling other activities alongside it, you have to let go of the crave to make yourself seem like "you've done enough", that is a human response to any situation.

I know my word would induce nothing but agitation in you, because it is simply not something anyone who works hard would want to hear, shifting does not require hardwork.

I would rant all I know in this post, to try to push you in the right direction, but I wouldn't like to be so unorganised.

I have already made much posts on my blog, which focuses on letting go of human identity and ideologies, so please, if you haven't come across the knowledge I can share, reach back in my inbox, so i could link all the posts I think could help you.

[certifiedsexed]

I have this problem where I am hyper aware of the smell of specifically my mom’s sweat/discharge. It isn’t like this for anyone else, but to me I can always smell it whenever I am around my mom or if she has been sitting somewhere for a while and it really reeks to me, like to an unbearable level. Nobody else in the house has complained about this and I’m made out to be this hateful spiteful bully for always telling her she smells and that she leaves smells wherever she sits. Idk what to do anymore, help??? Why am I the only one who can seemingly smell it? Why is it only hers that I smell??

So, this is really far out of my wheelhouse and has nothing to do with my field of study but I still feel compelled to answer this.

My first thought here is that constantly telling someone that you think they stink, especially in front of other people, is very rude and hurtful. Even if it's true.

I think the way you're going about this, "always" telling her you think she stinks and around other people is actually very unkind and that's probably why people think you're trying to be a bully. That can be very humiliating and awful to constantly hear.

Even if someone stinks, that's often not something to comment on. It can be okay if you're with a family member, or someone you're close to, and you think they'd want to know, so you pull them aside and tell them maybe they need some deodorant.

Even sometimes, especially during puberty, a sibling might not smell the greatest. That doesn't mean you can tell them that all the time. Sometimes it means you give them some hygiene tips but often it means you wait it out, maybe spray some cleaning stuff sometimes. Sometimes people stink.

But the way you're going about it isn't like that in the least and you're describing how awful this is for you and how you're being blamed for saying these things but what you're describing is also happening to your mother. You don't mention once how she's reacted, how she feels about this, what she's said in response, etc, at all.

It sounds like this situation might be far worse for her to be experiencing, Anon.

It might not even be sweat you're smelling. It could be a soap or perfume she wears that smells bad to you.

Regardless of what it is, the way you're going about it sounds hurtful and it also sounds like you're not being very thoughtful about how this might be affecting her.

I think this could be solved much better if you try to figure out when this issue started, figure out if this is a hygiene issue or just a perfume type issue-

If it's hygiene, it's possible it's a health issue, which is not necessarily something that can be helped beyond you not shaming her constantly for it. If it might be perfume, ask if you can check out what soaps and possible perfume or whatever she uses.

That doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to "fix" it, given she's allowed to wear what she wants, even if you don't like the smell, but it would clear up the mystery.

But if you can't figure it out respectfully and while being kind, then its an issue where you just need to mind your own business. Either way, it sounds like you really need to apologize to your mom.

I can't tell you exactly what's going on here but that's my thoughts. Not sure how helpful they are tbh, like I said, this is not my wheelhouse.

[amuyyi]

venus .

synopsis; you're going on your third year of university, and your friend kazuha invites you to an end of the year ball. parties have never been your thing, but for her? youll make an exception.

trope; non-idol!kazuha x f!reader, friends to lovers, fluff, suggestive, kinda smut? ball/fancy party ! university au!

wc; 6.3k

cw; kinda suggestive, kinda smut? cursing.

a/n; i decided to try writing something suggestive for the first time and next thing u know im 6k words in and i started going thru burnout near the middle/end >< apologies, just wanted to get one last fic out before i disappear to china for 2 weeks!

Your eyebrows knit together with immense concentration as your eyes shift between the notebook on the picnic table and your laptop propped up in front of it, your hand gripping your pen with an unbreakable grip. It was a wonderful day out on the university campus quad, with perfectly warm but not too hot temperatures and a light breeze, and you decided to take advantage of the perfect study environment to finish up the last homework assignments you had. You could see people from the corner of your vision, some were walking with friends, others lounging within hammocks they propped up between trees, you could even spot a group of boys playing pickleball. There were squirrels either digging within the dirt or rummaging through nearby trash cans, and birds singing from the trees. These were perfect conditions to allow for optimum problem solving. You look back at your work. Now, if you just had the correct formula and numbers, the answer should be…

“y/n!”

Before you could even process who had ripped your focus away from solving your chemistry homework, a colorful piece of paper was shoved directly into your face. With the way it was aggressively being waved around and how close it was, you could already tell who the concentration-culprit was.

“Kazuha, what am I looking at?” You ask aloofly, trying to move your head away so you could actually read the parchment. As you make your futile attempts, you catch a quick glimpse of the Japanese girl, seeing that she's made her way to sit on top of the picnic table instead of on the actual very much open seat with her long legs crossed as she beams at you.

“Can’t you read it?” Her voice was sweet and upbeat, as if the answer she was expecting was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Not when you have it literally 2 inches from my face and you won’t stop shaking.”

You can see Kazuha roll her eyes playfully as she pulls the parchment away, placing it on top of your notebook to allow a proper view of its contents. “It's a ball!” You hear Kazuha say excitedly as you skim over the information on the page, “The university’s hosting it as a sort of end of the year celebration. It's gonna be at this fancy castle place that rich white people used to hold masquerades and all that kind of stuff at back then.”

“No.” Your response was almost instantaneous, and you can immediately see Kazuha’s face turn into a frown and then a pout as she whines, leaning forward above your laptop screen, “Whaaaatt? Why not?”

You cross your arms and shrug, shifting your gaze over to the other students enjoying the weather as you speak, “Parties just aren’t my thing, Zuha. They’re loud and cramped, and more often than not I somehow always end up alone.” The way you spoke would’ve sounded quite pitiful if you weren't so firm with your words. What you said wasn’t some opportunity to gain pity from your friend, it was merely fact. Whenever you went to any sort of party or dance with your various groups of friends throughout the years, sooner or later they would break into their own little mini groups, and you were left floating amongst their conversations, left out. You simply didn’t want to relive that experience again with your current college friend group.

Kazuhas frown deepens as she closes your laptop, crawling closer to you from the top of the picnic table as she puts on her best puppy eyes, “come onnnn… Please? The girls already bought tickets, and it's almost our last year of uni! ” She begs, and you try your best to mask the smile that's threatening to form from the corner of her mouth as you repeat your answer, “no.”

She inches closer to you, grabbing you by the shoulders as she lightly shakes your body back and forth, as if that would help get her words from her mouth into your brain and into your heart. “It won't be the same without you!! Yunjin and Chaewon will likely end up hardcore drinking the whole night together, and Sakura is gonna be babysitting Eunchae the whole time!!! You’re the only person I’d genuinely want to spend all night with. I haven’t even bought my tickets yet because I’ll only go if you go!! ” You bite back laughter as she continues to whine, words spilling out of her mouth at rapid speed.

“It’ll be just like prom!”

“I didn’t go to prom.”

“Exactly!”

Hiding your grin was starting to become pretty difficult. Frankly, it felt nice to be wanted. Especially by Kazuha. She's always been so kind to you ever since freshman year, and has always tried her best to include you in social events with her friends. Even so, despite her quite literally saying she wants you there you still can't shake off the feeling that you’d end up alone just like always. You look back at Kazuha and see her desperately trying to win you over, her eyes almost sparkling with a cartoonish glint as she frowns… Still, you’d hate to be the reason why the other girl doesn’t go to an event she is so explicitly excited for.

Letting out a defeated sigh, you rub your temples as you give in, “Fine, I’ll go.”

You watch as Kazuha immediately lights up at your response, pulling you into an all too tight hug as she gleams, “Yes!!! You’re the best!”

“But! Only on one condition,” You pull yourself away from Kazuha and stick up your index finger in her face, forcing her back as she looks you in the eyes, nodding to indicate she was all ears. “You won’t leave me alone.”

The taller girl rolls her eyes as she scoffs, swatting your finger away dismissively as she speaks, “That was already part of the plan, silly. You wont leave my sight the entire night.” The gives your nose a light tap with her finger as your face scrunches up, not appreciating the gesture before shaking your head, beginning to shoo her off the table and onto her feet.

“Okay, okay. Now go away, I need to finish my work.” You allow yourself to smile fully this time, unable to truly keep up the cold and dismissive persona as she winks at you, “Meet me at my place on friday, we’re gonna go dress shopping!” You watch as she spins on her heel and merrily walks down the quad, chuckling at the sight before you return to your work.

…Did she turn off your homework program when closing your laptop?

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

Soon enough, Friday had come and you swiftly made your way to the front of Kazuha’s apartment. You had decided to wear a simple white tank top and skirt paired with a bolero top to make changing a quick and efficient process. In all honesty, you were both a little bit excited for this experience but also dreading it for multiple reasons. On one hand, you really didn’t want to go to this ball. The idea of a majority of the university being put into a castle where you could easily get lost and lose sight of your friends was not an ideal situation. On the other hand though, Kazuha did promise you that you wouldn’t be alone this time. The idea of her having all of her attention on you throughout the night didnt sound all too bad…Plus, you did enjoy dressing up and feeling pretty. You sigh as you quickly send Kazuha a text.

Y/n [14:05] – Here.

Zuha [14:05] – come in ^w^ im still getting ready

You laugh a little to yourself at the text, Kazuha was always so punctual until it came to you. You didn’t take any offense to it though, you soon learned over the years that it was a sign that she felt comfortable to take her time with you.

You open the door and you’re greeted with a welcoming living room, ambient light illuminating the sight as you take it in. Kazuha most definitely pays a fortune in rent for this place, the walls lined with large bookcases and a generously sized couch pressed up against the wall. The interior of the apartment was various shades of gray and white, yet somehow still managed to exude a comforting warmth despite the cooler tone. There were blankets and pillows scattered charmingly on the couch and the bookshelves not only held actual books, but also little trinkets of all kinds, including rocks, figurines, and origami figures. The kitchen table had a bowl of fruit freshly put out, and you take notice of a pair of ballet shoes placed next to the door. There have been many nights spent here with the other girls before, whether it be movie nights or drinking, and you can appreciate Kazuha in keeping the space clean for your arrival.

You immediately make your way to the couch, the plush fabric giving into your weight as you get comfortable. A few minutes of aimless scrolling on your phone pass before Kazuha emerges from the nearby hallway, her long black hair ruffled in an intentional way as she wore a black tank top and jeans with a matching jean jacket that slightly slipped off her shoulders, exposing them. You find yourself staring a little longer than usual, taking in the sight before you. Of course, Kazuha was always beautiful— all of your friends were, but something about her outfit and hair and light makeup she put the effort into doing for a simple girls day out with you made your throat unexpectedly run dry.

In all honesty, ever since you first met Kazuha you have always thought she was incredibly attractive, and her kindness and bright personality that came out as you two got closer made her even more desirable; but the idea of ruining the first friend you made in college with a dumb crush immediately steered you away from making any moves beyond platonic. Most of the time you can forget that you even felt anything towards her in the first place, with schoolwork often taking up most of your brainspace— but not this time, apparently. You try to not let your eyes linger on her for too long before she speaks up.

“You ready?” She asks, snapping you out of your trance as she smiles, twirling her car keys along her index finger. You get up from your seat, clearing your mind from your previous intrusive thoughts as you nod, following her out of the apartment and into her car.

The ride to the boutique was enough to completely make you forget about whatever ideas you had before, the pair of you singing all kinds of songs as the world seems to pass you two by on the road. Kazuha had an impressive roster of j-pop music queued up for the ride, and you found yourself silently admiring her as she loudly sang the lyrics out the window as she drove, giving the sky a performance that could never be replicated.

You always seem to forget that the girl was practically born for the arts— from dancing to singing or just general charm, Kazuha was a perfect candidate to become a celebrity or the other. She was beyond good at what she did. It was only reasonable for her to pursue a performing arts major, and you were certain that after graduation you’d see her on the big screen, dancing and singing for the whole world to see. You could only hope that out of everyone in the world who would listen, she’d still find you. You try to follow along with her singing, but you don't know even a fraction of Japanese, and Kazuha can't help but laugh at your efforts. Smiling, you look out the window to try and hide your blush.

Once the two of you arrive at the boutique off campus, Kazuha was quick to drag you towards the wide variety of dresses lined up on the walls, “so… what kind of dress are you thinking?” She asks excitedly, already rummaging through dresses while constantly looking between you and the rack, “I think you should go for something that's gonna enunciate your curves, you got a hot bod.” The comment was so lighthearted and so painfully platonic, yet it still made your cheeks warm. You can’t be feeling these things right now. You dismissively wave your hand as you respond, “don't tease me, Zuha.. besides, aren't you supposed to be looking for dresses for yourself?”

The taller girl furrows her brows as she grabs your forearm, giving it a firm squeeze, “I’m being serious y/n, you’re crazy hot. Give yourself some more credit!” She shifts her attention back to the dresses and her eyes catch sight of a bundle of blue fabric, pulling it off the rack she shoves it into your arms and guides you to the dressing room, “try this on, I’m gonna find some more dresses for you!!”

You were left dumbfounded by Kazuhas words within the changing room for a moment before you pat your cheeks, forcing yourself to focus on the task at hand before trying on the dress. The way she spoke to you felt way too much like a girl talking to another one of her “girl friends” and it made your stomach churn, but you repressed the feelings as you slipped on the blue fabric. It took a bit of effort, but after fighting the tightness you were able to get the dress on. It definitely hugged your body well, being a bodycon style and all, but you felt like a ball at a castle calls for a more dramatic and elegant look.

You step out of the changing room, looking around for your friend as she quickly shuffles her way back, her face partially masked by the comically tall tower of clothing she carried within her hands. Her eyes scanned you from top to bottom, eyebrows raised as she takes in your appearance, smirking a little at how shy you become. “I… don't think this one is good for the ball, it kinda feels like I’m going to the bar?” You sheepishly comment, suddenly shrinking and trying to hide your body from your friend as she places the dresses on the bench nearby.

She places a finger on her chin and her other hand on her hip as her eyes glaze over you again, deep in thought as she nods. “Yeah, youre right… but you still look great, you should wear something like that for my birthday,” she smiled mischievously, but you could tell she was being serious with her words. You try to stop your heart from practically racing out of your chest as you quickly grab another dress from the pile, disappearing into the changing room as Kazuha giggles.

Soon enough, you and Kazuha are practically going through a real life movie montage, with you trying on every dress she suggests and her sitting down and giving you her opinions. You had tried on a flowy red dress that was off the shoulder, and the color was great but Kazuha wasn’t much of a fan of the shape. There was a champagne dress that was very princess-like, but was just simply too much. The layers and the itchiness and overload of glitter made you want to die. This continued on with just about every color and style of dress until the ravenette hands you a long white dress, throwing you a thumbs up and a wink as you disappear back into the changing room. Honestly this was all fun, but if this wasn't the piece for you after going through what felt like thousands before, you were just going to show up in a t-shirt and shorts.

As you slip on this dress, you notice the amount of detail put into it. It was an off the shoulder dress with a leg slit in which the fabric twists around your hips almost like if it were a flower. It hugged your body well, but it wasn't suffocating whatsoever, and the fabric was surprisingly comfortable with a shimmery sheen on top. It was beautiful, but you couldn't manage to zip up the back of the dress by yourself. You poke your head out and meet the gaze of Kazuha, waving your hand to beckon her over and into the room with you.

You couldn't help but notice the way her eyes widened when she saw you, and how they eased over every part of your body for just a little bit too long. You let out an uncomfortable yet soft cough and she snaps her attention back to you, “This.. This might be the dress!” She says, putting on a smile as you laugh at her response, “yeah? You think so?” And she nods, shooting you a comical double thumbs up as you continue, “I need help with the zipper, though. Do you mind?” You turn around and expose your bare back to the other girl.

You try to keep your gaze downwards as you feel her fingers trail down your back, all too scared to accidentally make eye contact with her while so vulnerable. Still, it seemed like the harder you tried to not do it, the more prompted you were to do so. Sparing a glance into the mirror it's nearly impossible to notice how Kazuha bites her lip, her fingers shaking as she zips up the dress for you, almost as if she was scared to touch you. You can feel her breath on the back of your neck and you shiver, realizing she's gotten closer. Her eyes dart up to meet yours within the reflection, and you’re left there frozen like a deer in the headlights. Her hands slowly trail down your sides and firmly land on your hips as she once again drinks in the sight of you, but this time, there's nowhere to go.

All of a sudden it became very very hard to think. For the first time, you see Kazuha’s eyes darken, and you cannot figure out what could possibly be going on in her mind. Hell, you can barely figure out what's going on in your own. She still hasn't broken eye contact with an unreadable poker face as she wraps her arms completely around your hips, pulling you closer and completely pressing your bodies together. You gasp at the sudden contact, feeling heat shoot through the entirety of your body, your ass pressed up against her core. What is she doing? What are you doing? You close your eyes, unable to look at the vulgar spectacle before you. She leans down and gently places her chin on your shoulder as she leans into the cook of your neck, and you feel the ghost of her lips hovering over the sensitive skin, waiting. The sensation causes the quietest whisper of a whimper to escape your lips.

And just like that, it was as if a switch flipped. “You look so pretty!~” she cooes, squeezing your body and rocking the both of you side to side in a playful (and very platonic) embrace as she grins, “You’re going to catch so many eyes at the ball. I’ll let you change and we’ll buy this dress then head out, yeah?” The words flow out so fast, Kazuha manages to slip out of the small changing room before you could even process what happened.

As soon as you hear the sound of her footsteps fading, you press you back up against the cold mirror, hand on your chest as you feel your heart threaten to give in. You squeeze your thighs together as you try to calm every nerve in your body that was working over time (it was all of them.)

Sweat forms on the top of your forehead as you shakily breathe out, “fuck…”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

The next few days following the “dress incident” as you very originally named, went by painfully slow. Seeing as it was the end of the school year, you had already finished all of your finals and you were simply left sitting alone in your apartment trapped within your thoughts as the days passed. There isn't any more schoolwork to keep you distracted, but frankly, you dont think even all the assignments in the world could keep you from thinking about what happened in that dressing room. You haven't texted Kazuha since. How could you? What even was that? There had to be a logical explanation for… whatever that was, surely. You’ve known Kazuha for around three years now, and not once has she ever done anything to show you she may like you more than platonically.

The situation left you so distressed, you sought out solace in the form of your roommate, Sakura. You’re left restlessly pacing the living room, biting your nails as you retell the story, the older girl’s eyes following your every move. After seeing you do about 30 rounds around the coffee table, Sakura finally decides to speak up. “Y/n… you do know Kazuha has always treated you differently than the rest of us, right?”

Almost comically, your neck snaps towards your roommate as you dash over to her, grabbing her firmly by the shoulders as your eyes widen, staring her down with a stress driven craze, “what.”

Sakura immediately raises her hands in defense, dropping her phone as she is practically pinned against the couch by your unexpected strength. “I-I’m just saying..! Kazuha has always been a pretty shy and reserved person. I mean, she can hold conversations well with just about anyone just fine. But with you? I've never seen her so outwardly affectionate to anyone. She's always touching you and being… silly? I don't know. At least with me, she’s upbeat sure, but she's usually so much quieter, never latching onto my arm, whining, or always trying to get my attention in any way… I'm sure it's the same for the others too…”

As the older girl’s words trail off, your grip on her loosens, and you can see her sigh in relief as you collapse on the couch next to her, lost in thought. Did Kazuha really treat you differently? “But I thought she was just, I don't know, treating me like one of her girl friends? Gal pals or whatever?”

Sakura simply shrugs at this response, “Maybe to her, you’re more than that.”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

You sit in the passenger seat of Sakura’s car as you wait in front of Eunchae’s dorm building. Alongside the dress from the store, your hair was tied up into a low bun held in place with a white floral hair stick and accented with a gold arm cuff and necklace that crawled up your body nicely. Sakura had a light pink mermaid style dress on with pearl accents, and you can catch a glance of Eunchae waddling her way over, her hair in an adorable high ponytail to match with her puffy blue dress.

You exchange pleasantries with the younger girl before turning your attention to your phone, nervously nibbling on the pad of your thumb as you quickly send a text to the girl whos been driving you crazy.

Y/n [19:56] – Kkura, Eunchae, and I will be there in five.

Zuha [19:56] – yay!! can't wait to see you in that pretty dress <33

You bite the inside of your cheek, feeling the blush rush to your face.

Y/n [19:57] – What dress are you wearing btw? I didn't see you buy one at the boutique.

Zuha [19:58] – its a surprise～～ (^з^)-☆

“Who are you texting??” Eunchae’s voice rings out, and you immediately shut off your phone in a mild panic as she leans over your shoulder, frowning at the black screen before her.

“Just letting Zuha know we’re on our way– and put your seatbelt on.” You realize how much you sound like a mother in that moment, and it shows on your face, cringing at yourself as Eunchae snickers, returning to her seat as you make your way to the castle.

To describe the venue as grand was an understatement. Your eyes are met with towering spires that stretch dramatically into the sky. The castle was constructed entirely of stone, its walls weathered from the centuries of its existence, dark green ivy leaves crawling up its exterior, giving the fortress a sense of timelessness and majesty. “Wooaaah!! This looks even prettier than the pictures!! They must’ve paid a fortune for this place,” Eunchae’s upbeat cheer interrupts the serene experience as you and Sakura look at each other, laughing as you guide the younger girl down the cobblestone path and toward the crowd.

It felt like all of the university was here at the castle, the courtyard becoming a hive of activity as people shuffled their way in and out through the main doors and from the main hall. The dimly lit grandeur of the hallway before you left you awestruck, casting long shadows that helped illuminate the faces of the individuals passing you by. You spot Kazuha almost too quickly within the crowd, her hair placed elegantly along her bare shoulders as you finally get a look at the dress she picked out for this occasion. She chose the color black for her dress, almost as if to intentionally match your own. The dress was strapless, showcasing her shoulders with a sweetheart neckline that had a hypnotic type of allure to it. The top was fitted, hugging her body and torso to excellently showcase her slim figure before flowing out into a multi layered floor-level skirt. Alongside this, she wears a pair of long black gloves and a pearl necklace that enhances Kazuha’s beauty tenfold, her aura emitting a sense of timelessness and grace. She looked beyond gorgeous, like a black swan. You feel your ears grow hot and your stomach do flips as Sakura gives you a reassuring squeeze on your hand, smiling softly as she guides you and Eunchae towards the group.

Yunjin and Chaewon hold Kazuha in conversation, and you can see a small smile form on her lips as she listens to the duo intently. As the three of you approach, you lock eyes with Yunjin, who grins at your arrival, playfully moving past Kazuha and Chaewon as she wraps her arms around your neck, pulling you into a warm embrace. “y/n!! You made it!!” You get a whiff of her perfume and are immediately hit with a woody scent with a mix of citrus, which you think is fitting with her short green dress and bright orange hair. You laugh into the hug, giving her a light squeeze before looking over at Kazuha.

You swear you see her eyebrow twitch for a millisecond before Yunjin glances at the other girl. Giggling, she leans in and whispers into your ear, “She’s been talking about you all night, by the way.”

Cheeks now embarrassingly flushed, Yunjin pulls away, and you can see Kazuha glaring daggers into the back of Yunjins head as Chaewon sighs, pulling her partner away from you and linking their arms together. The bob-haired girl wore a blood red maxi dress, with matching stiletto heels to boot. She had an authoritative energy to her tonight, and if she wasn’t your friend, you think you would’ve been a little intimidated. “Let the girl breathe, Jen.”

You sheepishly smile as Yunjin sticks her tongue out at the shorter girl, beckoning for Sakura and Eunchae to join as they chatter amongst themselves, leaving you and Kazuha off to the side. After exploding Yunjin with her mind, Kazuha’s gaze softens as she walks up to you, her breath hitching as she opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. You giggle at the sight as she grabs your hands with her gloved ones, looking you in the eyes as she speaks, “you look stunning tonight, y/n,” and the words held a completely different meaning this time. She’s complimented you before– countless times really, but they held a different weight now. It was different now that you could feel an unseen electricity between you two. It was different now because of what she did (or didn't do) to you in the changing room that day.

Blushing, you squeeze her hands, “You look beautiful as well, Kazuha.” Your words were breathless and shy, and you think about how embarrassing it is to say that she quite literally took your breath away with her look tonight. You’re not too sure how long you and Kazuha stood there in the middle of the hall, simply staring at each other as the world seemed to no longer exist around you, but the sound of a cough brings the both of you back down to reality.

“Wanna go to the dance floor? They also have food and drinks,” Chaewon suggests, already leading the group as you can now clearly see how flushed Kazuha’s cheeks are, and you melt at the sight, intertwining your fingers with hers as you follow the group onwards.

The rest of the night was spent dancing and enjoying your time off with your friends. Eunchae was socializing with just about any person who crossed paths with her, Sakura having to hold her back to ensure she didn't get lost. As expected, Yunjin and Chaewon had actually already pregamed the event, but still had more alcohol hidden within their dresses. They offered you a shot, but you declined (much to Yunjins dismay.)

Despite Kazuha being rather introverted and soft spoken most of the time, she definitely had more friends than you realized. Almost every five minutes she would be approached by some group of girls or a lone guy and she’d end up in a conversation that would leave you off to the side. Despite this, Kazuha was an expert at staying true to her word. She always held your hand within hers, sparing glances back at you and playing with your fingers while socializing, almost as if silently saying, “I’m still with you.”

The gesture was sweet, and you really did appreciate it all. But as the night wagered on, you couldn't help but feel that familiar prickling feeling creeping up on you once again. The amount of people brushing up against you made your skin crawl, and the music seemed to be all consuming and suffocating despite the large size of the room you were in. Even holding onto Kazuha's hand was beginning to feel like too much. You frown.

You watch as Kazuha chats with a girl you recognize as Danielle, and you tug a little bit on her arm, catching the taller girl’s attention as she leans over to you, offering an ear as Danielle continues to ramble on. “I think I’m going to get some air!” You try to speak over the music, and it takes a moment for the words to register in her mind, “Do you want me to come with you?” She asks, her eyes caring as she looks into yours, and you want to say “yes, always,” but the rhythm from above begins to shift, and you watch as Danielle’s eyes light up as she grabs hold of Kazhua.

“Oh my god. I love this song, we HAVE to dance, come on!!”

Soon enough your hands break away from one another, and you try to give a reassuring smile to Kazuha who tried to make her way back to you, but ended up getting swept away by Danielle into the sea of people rotating to the dance floor. The smile on your lips drops as soon as she is no longer in sight, and you take a moment to look around. The other girls were nowhere in sight, and there were only strangers surrounding you as you awkwardly mumbled half hearted apologies, desperate to be anywhere but here.

After running through what felt like endless hallways, you burst through a set of wooden doors. Your face is hit with a cool breeze and you finally feel like you can breathe.

You sigh and rub your head, taking in the cold night air as you try to calm yourself down. How ironic. You were so insistent on not being left alone on this night, and when you get what you want, you choose to return to the familiar feeling of solidarity.

Taking in your surroundings, you realize you have ended up on an unused balcony, the stone flooring facing out into the forest beyond. The faint flickering of fireflies emerge from the darkness, and you take a moment to simply just take it all in— to ground yourself. The muffled booming of music from inside lingers, and you close your eyes, leaning over the balcony in contentment.

“Y’know, I don’t think we’re allowed here.”

Kazuha’s warm voice rings out, and you twirl around, finding the taller girl smiling at you softly. She joins your side, staring off into the forest before looking back at you. “Are you okay?”

You hum in response, nodding as you breathe out, eyes focused on the fireflies ahead. “yeah, it was just getting really overwhelming in there…”

Kazuha stays silent, also staring off as a comfortable silence drapes over you two. You can't help but let your mind linger again to the changing room instance, and you look back at the ravenette. She seemed completely unphased by the situation, and you start to wonder if it even happened at all. You open your mouth, wanting to ask what exactly you two were, but the sound of the music inside slowing down catches Kazuha’s attention.

Her ears perk at the tune, and she shifts her gaze back to you, offering her gloved hand just like she did at the very start of this night. “May I have this dance?”

The question catches you completely off guard, and you can't help but laugh, all tension within your mind and body letting loose. “What?? Right now?”

Kazuha gives a gummy smile, “yes. I’d like to dance with you. Right here, right now.”

Your laughter continues and rings out into the night, it’s a wonderful feeling. “Zuha, you know I can't dance,” you chuckle, and despite this truth, you still allow her to take your hand in hers.

“Then just follow my lead.”

You’re pulled into her body, and its a softer experience than before. She guides your free hand onto her shoulder before she places hers on the small of your back. You ease into her touch as she leads the way, taking the first steps and guiding your body to follow. It was clumsy and messy at first, with several instances of you stumbling on your feet and needing Kazuha to keep you up, but it didn't matter at all.

How could it? How could anything else matter in the world right now when the moonlight above framed her face so perfectly? When the shine of the fireflies are dull compared to the woman before you right now?

The both of you laugh as she twirls you in sync with the muffled tune of the song, and you can't help but let out a surprised yelp as she dips you, your hair flying back as you are given a clear sight of the canvas of stars just above the two of you. It was stunning, romantic, even. Kazuha lifts you back up, and suddenly your lips are centimeters apart. You feel her hot breath against your lips, and you suddenly feel like you’ve been transported back to that cramped room.

You feel Kazuha hesitate, before she asks, in barely a whisper, “C-Can I…?”

You would have laughed at the question, the words being so upfront yet so scared coming out of her lips if you didn't so desperately want it as well.

“Please.”

Kazuhas lips immediately press against yours, and it's sweet. It's intentional and tender, full of pent up emotions that threaten to overflow, but the need in the way she tightens her grip on you is strong. She's waited so long for this, and she wants to enjoy it all, but she's holding back, scared that you'll slip away again. Her lips taste like cherries, and it's a wonderful flavor. A flavor you’ve waited three years to taste. You find yourself licking your own lips as you pull away, your arms wrapped around her neck as your faces remain close.

“Is this what you wanted to do when you cornered me back at the boutique?” You whisper, your lips teasingly hovering over Kazuha’s, pulling back when she tries to meet them. You smile mischievously as you see her grow impatient.

“Something like that.”

She's suddenly latched onto you again, lips pressing against yours with more pressure as you gasp, your hand instinctively flying to her hair as you dig your nails into her scalp. A sound you’d never expect to ever come out of such a quiet girl erupts from Kazuha’s throat.

A growl.

You feel that all too familiar heat shoot throughout your body once again as the taller girl pushes you against the stone railiing, her lips trailing down your jawline and onto your neck. Her teeth graze the skin and you cant help but let out a moan, your voice egging her on even more as she begins to mark your neck.

You really should stop her. You’re still out in public, and there was no way you would be able to cover any hickeys she may leave on you with a dress that was very much made to remain off your shoulders. But when she presses her knee in between your legs through your dress and her hands find their way to your chest, who are you to stop her?

Kazuha was nowhere near finished with you.

[suzukiblu]

Day nineteen of fic NaNoWriMo, obligatory sugar daddy Tim/sugar baby Kon AU.

. . . huh, Tim thinks as he watches Kon rub his thumb over the goat's soft and fluffy fur, suddenly reminded of the cashmere. Okay, maybe his hypothesis about Kon's possible appreciation for nice textures is actually a thing, then. Noted and taken into evidence. 

“It's . . . cute,” Kon says, ducking his head a little and still slowly rubbing his thumb back and forth across the goat's fur as he looks down at it again, his face still all red. Tim makes a mental note about maximizing the amount of nice textures in Kon's life. He is gonna buy him sheets with a very high thread count, just to start. “Um–thanks, man.” 

“You're welcome,” Tim says as he has the incredibly weird thought that Kon has probably never actually owned an actual toy before. Like, maybe video games and things like that? He’s pretty sure he's heard Kon mention a few video games he likes before, now that he's thinking about it, but in retrospect he doesn't know if he even owns a console of his own or just played them with someone else at some point or . . . who knows, really? 

Like, Tim didn't decide to buy him a toy because of that, obviously, he really was just thinking of the idea as a cute little hopefully-the-right-kind-of-flirty reminder of how they “met”, but . . . 

It's a weird thought, is all.

. . . also, additional mental note, he should make sure to buy Kon a console if he doesn't already have one. And maybe a handheld system too, and obviously whatever games he wants for both. Maybe a couple spare controllers in case he wants to have anyone over, Tim has no idea, but better safe than sorry. 

“Let’s pay,” he says, redistributing the shopping bags between both hands again and then nodding towards the register. “Do you like video games?” 

“Sure,” Kon says, glancing sidelong at him again as they head for the counter. He’s doing that a lot, it feels like, though Tim isn’t sure why yet. Just intel to absorb, for right now. “Who doesn’t like video games?” 

“Do you have any?” Tim asks, and Kon looks–embarrassed, almost? Weirdly? 

“I can’t exactly have you over to play, man. No offense, it’s like a security clearance thing with the lab,” he says, which is not where Tim was going with that at all and is sort of . . . flustering, actually. Like, to hear, he means. He’s trying to buy things for Kon, not invite himself over to, like . . . pester him for attention or whatever. 

“Yeah, you'd be kind of hard to explain to my dad,” he agrees, putting on a wry expression. Kon's mouth tightens for a second, for some reason, and then he smiles awkwardly in his direction, not quite meeting his eyes. Tim represses a frown, wondering what that’s about. 

“Usually am, yeah,” Kon says. 

“Well, once we get you a place of your own, that’ll solve that problem,” Tim says reasonably as they wait in line together, though obviously he doesn’t really expect Kon to have him over or–

“You’d actually wanna come over if I had my own place?” Kon asks hesitantly. “Like–to hang out or whatever?” 

. . . Tim wonders who exactly ground all of Kon’s usually-boundless confidence into the dirt, because he’d just like to have a word with them. Or shove a doomsday weapon up their ass; whichever’s more convenient at the time. Considering how Kon usually acts, Tim doesn’t even want to think about how shitty someone had to be to get a reaction like that out of him. 

“I would,” he says. “We could order in and play something, maybe.” 

“I don’t actually have a console or anything. Shit, I don’t even have a TV,” Kon admits. “Which is not a request, for the record, just a statement.” 

“Okay,” Tim says, which as a response is something he’s just gonna let Kon interpret however he likes. He could just have a TV and console delivered to Cadmus for him, probably. Although he doesn’t actually know how big Kon’s room is, so in retrospect maybe that’ll be something to buy once they get to the stage where Kon’s picking out furniture for his new apartment/house/cul-de-sac. Easier to size and scale correctly that way, Tim figures. 

God, how big is Kon’s room? Is it just a room? Like a dorm or something? Is it at least actual normal bedroom-sized? 

. . . he really, really hopes it’s not a barracks situation. 

“I mean it,” Kon says as Tim pays for the goat and they leave the store. “Like, this was really cool of you, but you’ve definitely done enough. I didn’t do anything that special, you know?” 

“I feel like I’m the one who gets to value your effort in saving my life,” Tim says. “Like, monetarily and all. As a whole fiscal thing.” 

“It really wasn’t a big deal, though,” Kon insists. “Like, I didn’t risk my neck or anything. It wasn't even hard.” 

“You put in the time to learn how to do that with your TTK to begin with, even from halfway across the gallery floor,” Tim says. “Just because it was easy to do then doesn’t mean it was easy to learn to begin with. I think it’s really impressive that you even figured out you could do that to begin with.” 

“I mean–well, yeah, I guess,” Kon says, ducking his head as his face flushes again. “I just . . . like, it took a while to figure out how to do it right, definitely. So I wouldn’t say impressive.” 

“If you’re trying to be modest, maybe don’t lead with ‘I worked really hard on improving myself and it worked really well’,” Tim says, flashing him a wry little smile. Kon turns even redder, then grins sheepishly at him. 

“Look, TTK is badass, but it’s way less impressive than punching a giant asteroid into gravel,” he says. “Or superspeeding through all the bad guys in a microsecond.” 

“Why?” Tim asks, tilting his head. “Lots of people can punch an asteroid in half. You could break it down into its component parts and also make sure none of said parts escaped into the atmosphere or crashed any satellites. And you don’t need superspeed when you can keep the bad guys from even moving to begin with, right?” 

“Huh?” Kon says, looking–startled, a little. Tim’s been doing his research, but also just thinking–plus he's pretty sure that talking up TTK as a power is just about the best possible way to get Kon to be into Tim Drake for as long as possible, so . . . 

“I’m just saying, you seem really versatile. Like, you’re obviously not just a bruiser,” he says reasonably, though the more time he's spent trying to think about TTK lately, the more aware he's become that Kon tries very hard to be one whenever possible. Like–much more often than he actually should, in fact. “Your powers are really flexible, from what I’ve noticed. You can be a scalpel and a hammer. Possibly simultaneously, depending on your multitasking skills, I don’t really know how that works.” 

“Oh,” Kon says, the startled expression turning flustered even as he grins a little helplessly and ducks his head, twisting the handles of the shopping bag the clerk put the goat in around his fingers. “Uh, I mean, it depends, but . . . kinda, I guess.” 

Okay, well–he looks a little less boisterous and smug than Tim would've expected him to get over direct compliments to his TTK, honestly, but he does still seem flattered. Tim had just been prepared for annoying bragging and overblown pride as a reaction, not that helpless little grin Kon's currently trying to hide. So that's . . . weird, yeah. Huh. 

“Well, I think it's impressive,” he informs him with an easy shrug, and watches maybe a little bit too curiously as Kon's grin widens and he ducks his head lower. He looks so–not proud or arrogant, still, but pleased. 

It's definitely weird. 

Tim can't pretend there isn't an equally weird part of him that thinks it's cute, though. It's a little strange being the one hyping up the exact same superpower Kon's usually incapable of shutting up about while he tries to downplay it, but he guesses it's not that different from being the one carrying most of the bags right now. Just a little bit of a temporary role reversal while Kon's wearing a soft cashmere sweater instead of his usual heavy leather jacket and Tim's not wearing a mask. 

Well–at least not a domino, anyway. It gets a little more complicated going with the metaphorical definition, obviously. 

“I'm still buying you lunch whatever you say,” he says. “And a bigger wardrobe. You can't always show up in your superhero gear, somebody's gonna notice you eventually.” 

“Geez, man, how many times are you planning to see me in civvies?” Kon says, and if his accompanying laugh didn't sound a little forced, Tim would assume Kon was saying he was going to be bored of him before that was a concern. That laugh makes it sound more like Kon thinks it’s likelier that Tim is going to get bored of him, though. 

No, Tim is pretty sure that's wishful thinking on his part. It's too tempting to attribute evidence like that to mean something he'd like it to mean, is all. 

“I don't know,” he says, giving Kon a smile. “How many times are you planning to let me?” 

Kon stares at him for a moment, turns red, and then laughs self-consciously and looks away. 

His flirting standards are still extremely low, yeah. Thank god, because Tim absolutely sucks at this.

[she-whatshername]

Soft

AN: I am so excited that Bodhi week was such a success I cannot wait to read everyone’s stories. For the prompt ‘soft’, I decided the only way I wanted to celebrate was for Bodhi to actually get the soft treatment, as I know he’s naturally a soft character and takes care of everyone, but who will take care of f Bodhi? We, the writers of course.

It is said that in the darkness your best thinking can happen. Surrounded by nothing, the brain can formulate elaborate plans, solve problems, and be nimble in ways that the light would not allow. Is that why Xaden was so cunning and witty? Because in his shadows he is the most able to think of the most complex plans. Bodhi wasn’t sure. But, staring at the ceiling of this dorm room from your bed, in the darkness wasn’t giving him the answers he was seeking. If anything, the blankness of the walls was just a open space for his mind to wander.

There was so much to do,. Since bonding Cuir last year, Bodhi had been invited into the ranks of Xaden’s weapons runs. But how he could complete his latest drop while ensuring his absence wouldn’t go unnoticed was the problem of the night to solve. And then there’s the first years. They were…not as prepared as Bodhi would have hoped. He couldn’t blame them, when word got out that Xaden was rising the ranks and all living marked children were bonding dragons, the fear from the citizens grew into newly conscripted cadets with rebellion relics and no training. Bodhi wasn’t going to let them fall behind, he knew that feeling and it would be his second most important mission to ensure all marked ones could bond a dragon and live. To join the rebellion and to just, live.

Speaking of live, how was he going to live through the drop when he knew for certain Cat was going to be there. Fuck, no wonder why Xaden and Garrick keep passing the Krovlan drops to him. Every time Bodhi shows up for a drop and Cat’s there, he’s always the target of her advances. First, she always thinks he’s Xaden from a distance, and then she’ll still advance on him thinking that word would get out the two of them were in a relationship - to be clear, he is not, in hopes to make Xaden bitter and want to come back to her. How humorous, Xaden had nothing to be jealous of Bodhi. Bodhi lived for Xaden, not the other way around.

But, back to the matter of plan, find a way to get to the drop and then worry about Cat’s flirty advances later. Perhaps if he did accept the challenge from that second year, take the loss in a match and get himself bruised enough, not enough for the infirmary, but enough for some bed rest so he could easily sneak out and -

Oh, Fuck.

Bodhi’s ramblings were cut short as a hand slowly crept up the base of his neck toward the crown of his head, settling against his curls in slowly, precise circle. His body instantly relaxed with an exhale as the hand moved up and down his head, grazing against his skin, almost flushing the thoughts that burrowed a the top of his head down towards his spine and out of his conscious.

As much of a relief that it was, Bodhi couldn’t help but to feel guilty. Not turning to look he asked, “I wasn’t thinking out loud, was I?”

“No.” The soft voice responses, her face hidden in the darkness, “But your muscles spasm when you’re lost in that beautiful head of yours.”

“Sorry.’ He couldn’t help but to apologize, “I know its kind of late and-oh.”

Blessings of Amari. She flexed her hand against his scalp, the tip of her nails now pressed against his head. Not too sharp to cause pain, but just the right amount of filing to make his toes curl and scratch at even his most complex thoughts. Bodhi felt like the mattress was going to envelop him whole, and every spasaming muscle his back and legs were limp. Blessings of Amari, this felt, yes, amazing.

SHe worked across the crown of his head, starting with circular movements at the top of his forehead, across to the flesh behind his ears, and back down his neck, stopping at particular spots, as if she knew what lay beneath his curls was a tangled knot of indecision. She worked through them unknowingly, making each clouded thought more untangled and clear. For the next, well time didn’t exist in Bodhi’s world for him to measure, but she spent the next several, whatever, scratching at his head and temple, dispelling his thoughts away. Her movements across his scalp were magic, he swore she was weaving a rune with how particular he fingers drew lines and circles across him. There were times her love spread to his hair, taking curl after curl into her fingers, twisting each loc into a perfect spiral. When his mind drifted back into the mess of planning, on instinct she gave his hair a firm tug, pulling him back into reality…amongst other bodily reactions he was careful to hide from her.

“Thank you.” He said finally once her hands slowed and she kissed him on the shoulder, her work now complete.

“Go to sleep, love.” She spoke into his skin, “Before I have to switch to more desperate measures.”

“Oh?” Bodhi finally peaked over his shoulder, meeting the green eyes of the healer he’d been blessed to have sneak into his life and heart. “I like desperate.”

“You will be if you stay up for much longer. Get at least an hour and I’ll give you something before sunrise to keep you desperate for the rest of the day.”

Bodhi rolled into his stomach, his head turning towards his bedmate, making sure she saw him close his eyes as he pressed his head against his pillow. He could hear her small laugh and her lips on his skin before he heard the shuffling of the blankets, signaling her rest as well.

In the darkness, may not be able to untangle his thoughts, but he was most certain, it was most clear, that he was loved.