#like sure people are capable of change
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This is less i didnt do anything but more that the response by the teachers was absolutely not proportionate to the crime (and was part of a larger pattern they had of targeting neurodivergent kids)
In 5th grade science we had a unit where we made paper airplanes in science class to test how far different shaped paper airplanes flew
We were told not to make paper airplanes outside of science class
But obviously this large group of 10 and 11 year olds were still absolutely making paper airplanes
I especially tend to like doing things with my hands to focus
If you get me doing a thing like folding paper a certain way im gonna start doing that repeatedly
But I was trying hard not to do make paper airplanes outside of science class
And then I saw the kid that sat across from me make one out of a piece of paper he was throwing away and throw it into the trash before our last class. So I went ahead and did the same thing but class started before I could throw it in the trash and decided to just put it in my desk and wait til after school to throw it away. I wasnt touching it or messing with it during class. We were taking notes. I was fully absorbed in taking notes cuz I enjoyed taking notes. My teacher happened to see the paper airplane in my desk and IMMEDIATELY stopped the lesson and grabbed the airplane out of my desk, held it in my face and was like "WHAT is this??????''
The way my elementary school was set up was each grade had 3 classrooms. The classrooms were open to each other and had a common area connecting them
She took me out into the common area and sat me at a table and just started interrogating me about the paper airplane. Not calmly either. Full on screaming at me. The science teacher came over and joined in. I was having a full blown meltdown and couldn't speak at all at that point. All 60 kids in my grade were just sitting there having to watch all this. This went on for at least 10 minutes but it felt like hours. I dont even remember any of what they were saying to me. Just that it was loud.
Anyway that wasnt even the punishment lol. The punishment was i had to walk laps around the playground at recess for a week. Which I pretty much did every day anyway. My friends walked with me.
Everyone give me the most screwed up thing that has ever happened to you in the american public school system
#this teacher would also constantly threaten to send autistic or adhd kids back to kindergarten if they couldnt mask#she got nominated for teacher of the year a few years ago and i felt like i fell into an alternate universe#like even kids that bullied me couldnt stand her#like she was pretty universally hated by her students#like sure people are capable of change#but man i doubt shes changed THAT much#i havent been able to make paper airplanes in years cuz of her#she lost tho lol#i dont think the science or math teachers were there anymore so idk if theyre still teaching#they were all awful tho#one of my friends had to be homeschooled for the rest of 5th grade cuz of how awful they were#i got sick that fall and was out for half a week and it was so hard to go back#my mom had to practically drag me out the door once my fever was gone#i was never told before that year that pen (even erasable pen) was not acceptable for math homework#and the math teacher blew up at me for using erasable pen on my homework#like how the fuck was i supposed to know that wasnt ok if literally no one ever told me#why are you screaming at a 10 year old for not knowing things they were never told#like sorry im not psychic????#also at my elementary school if there was a diagnosed autistic kid in a class they would stick this big wooden box that fit around#a desk in the class the kid was in and if they started ''acting out'' they would put them in the box#also fun fact on the pen thing#in highschool i almost exclusively did math in sparkly gel pen and none of my teachers said anything about except to compliment#my sparkly gel pens so fuck you ms young
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i think people so often forget that saiki is very against playing god, sometimes hes a silly little guy and goes against his rules just a little but it takes a lot for him to SERIOUSLY play god. he uses his powers to do little, easy, usually insignificant things but not usually big ones.
"why didnt saiki go back in time to prevent getting stranded on the island?" "saiki couldve easily made mera not poor" "saiki didnt go back in time to prevent aiura from finding her soulmate, he must be in love with her" "he couldve easily gone back in time to stop teruhashi from getting obsessed with him"
if saiki went back in time or changed the world to solve every single one of his problems and every single characters problems, he wouldnt be the person he is 😭 the one time he did that was over the most traumatic moment of his life... and you want him to do that casually every tuesday or what?
#hes also a teenage boy who shouldnt be expected to play god and fix everyones problems#'he literally changed the world just to keep his pink hair-' HE WAS A LITTLE BOY BACK THEN#pretty sure that was pre-akechi too so he was already way too young to grasp the weight of his powers yet but he also wasnt super-#-traumatized yet#anyway theres also the fact that not only is this a fictional story but its also a fourth wall breaking fictional story#so if he were to try and try and try to prevent every problem from happening the plot would just give him more problems#plus some things are inevitable like him letting aiura and toritsuka know about his powers? he was super nervous and stressed and fucked up-#-when that happened but theyre both capable(-ish) people with powers so theres no chance he could keep it from them forever#last note. SOME things can also be explained by his tsundere-isms and his literal admission that he 'likes troublesome things' but thats-#-more with the small stuff lol#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#meows post
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ok all the characters i have figured out for dsmpd au below the cut:
ranboo as the wisperer
tubbo, quackity, and fundy as the rest of the pd
sam as the mentor
tommy as ashe
techno as mark
phil as Dead Wife(best friend in this au lol)
the egg as overlord (B.A.D. militia more like bad's militia)
dream as mal
ok now random characters ive thrown in different places:
schlatt as david bell (seriously considered making him origami)
purpled as cantrip
sapnap as doug
karl as professor cross
wilbur as lightspeed but with wordsmiths powers
puffy, foolish, eret, and callahan as the rest of watch (callahan is like their bacon man. in a way <3)
connor as le frog but hes literally just c!connor. that guy is always in situations
george as clarence bcus lol
and ofcourse. slime as fartbo
#oh goddd this is gonna show up in all the tags isnt it. im so sorry people of the world#my post#mine own au#dsmpd au#i ahve very thought out reasons for all of these#like rabo as wisperer bcus hes afraid of himself he doenst know what hes capable of hes scared hes secretly a terrible person#felt like that translated nicely into wiwis fear of himself and his powers!#wiwi refusing to accept his powers as a part of himself 🤝 rabo refusing to accept the enderwalk as a part of himself#t.bbo and f.ndy used to hunt dreamons together! neither of them have powers beyond being able to sense/see them but theyre very good with#tech. t.bbo tends more towards explosives and f.ndy towards gadgets#big q makes illusions or has powers similar to pretender#(originally this was a b3nch trio au but it was weird having cbee be alone for s2 so i made it nlm instead :] )#sam is the mentor bcus he has a strong code he clings to#and yknow sometimes he puts that code over people when he shouldnt. and vice versa.#its specifically warden sam. yay!#tommy ashe kindof came to me in a vision idk its just True. trust me on this#techno mark i feel like is a natural conclusion to come to. he is NOT tommys father figure!! however tommy does kindof see him as a terribl#and mean (and really fucking cool but hes not saying that to his face) brother#sorry i killed phil. i dont ljke him#egg as overlord bcus it too has vague goals that involve controlling and changing people#this does mean that the trickster/tommy straight up murders bbh. so sorry man.#waittt trickster drista could go crazy... i know its 5 people jammed together however im running low on characters i care about#or xd maybe..#oh yeah cdrm as mal bcus hes creepy and terrible and loves having control over rabo and killing people over and over and over again#ghoul is a dreamon :D#(dreamons are very relevant here. they were my favorite dropped plot point :') )#schlorigami was my original casting for him but like how can i not put him as the shady businessman#still not sure on that one though. i reallyyy like schlorigami#purpld as cantrip bcus theyre both purple. and teenaged hitmen. also cantrip fought for money and purpld was in the bedwars trenches#s.pnap doug bcus hes literally fire coded AND highschool jock coded
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// personal
how strange it is to observe yourself changing
#not snz#delete later#another suddencolds yap post 😭 i apologize#i have been trying to draft a post like this for awhile now... i suppose this is a subset of the many thoughts i've had lately#this year has been so strange??! i joked in january about taking a leave to metamorphose into someone more tolerable but#honestly i am not sure if i am more tolerable now... though i do feel like i've changed. :')#for the better? for the worse? unsure... i feel like i am finding out more and more that#my social battery is unfortunately finite 😭 and that i must be more selective in how i choose to spend my time 🙇♀️#i think all throughout uni the majority of my substantial social interactions happened#over text/online? irl i made a lot of acquaintances via classes and student organizations... but the number of#close friends i had and actively met up with irl was pretty low 😭 and that embarrassed me!! like#how can one 🫵🏼 be surrounded by so many smart people her age and come away with so few in-person friends?? ☹️ skill issue truly!!! 🙄👎#even now i sometimes feel like the need to defend myself from that uncharitable perception of me? as though the idea that#there is/was something wrong with me is something i need to actively disprove 🥲#taken objectively i feel like i'm doing okay socially 😭 i have a decent handful of irl friends that#i meet with pretty regularly and people do seek out my company... but there's this feeling at the back of my mind that#no one will believe me when i say it. perhaps because i am so deeply used to seeing myself as undesirable :')#(^ i think this was all more painful than i am getting across in writing and i am summarizing it all from a point of relative detachment 😶)#but anyways! i am older now and it feels like things are shifting... or that i'm being forced to acknowledge that i have limits socially#in terms of energy rather than capability. which is new :') and i've also been thinking about the feeling of closeness (or lack thereof)#that i feel when it comes to the various friendships in my life. i think i am really fully vulnerable like#kind of seldom actually... but on the rare occasion that i feel sufficiently attached i worry i come across as a little intense 😭#(if i have embarrassed myself in front of you i am very sorry 😭😭 i'm still figuring things out)#(not sure if anyone is still reading this but) these tags are getting long enough 🏃♀️
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creation of adam but it's this photo of me handing scott the martini before his buddy cole set in the KITH toronto show

#just now i was feeling shitty and scrolling through youtube until i saw someone had posted a clip of the buddy monologue from that show#and the clip just happened to include my cameo!! so i may be just sitting in my childhood bedroom still unpacking from college at 2am#but on my phone is the image of me sharing the stage with my favorite comedian in front of over a thousand people#so y'know life isn't always one thing. i'm capable of being bored and stressed but also capable of THIS#i wanted to comment on the video to say hi but the original uploader's comments were off#but this did make me feel a lot better bc oh my god that was such a fun weekend#i should text scott soon to let him know i'm done with college. and see if i can make new year's a tradition again#i met scott on new years (and even tho i'd talked to bellini before it was also the day we met irl for the first time)#and last year i managed to convince paul to invite me and scott and some other friends over for new years bc i wanted it to be a tradition#not sure if paul's up for it this year but i did ask scott about it last time i was in toronto#when i asked his plans for new years he said he might be out of town (which is okay)#but then when i explained it was the anniversary of when we first met he was like ''no actually i'll be here'' which was funny#my friendships with bruce and paul are generally in a similar place to where we were at the beginning of the year#(like obviously knowing each other longer makes us closer but our dynamic hasn't changed which is still positive bc we were already friends#but holy shit december 2023 jessamine and scott are like unrecognizable compared to december 2024 jessamine and scott#and the fact that we technically haven't even known each other for two years is WILD like it won't be two years until the 31st#anyway i'm getting rambly i'm tired i should sleep. my circadian rhythm is messed up and the lighting problems in my room are not helping#goodnight everyone see you tomorrow for more nonsense
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the way i think about learning and education changed sm compared to when I was younger
#like i cared so little about school when i was younger (altough maybe now i might do a little too much)#but not just that... i thought i'm just not that person who can do well at school#i can't memorise stuff well enough and i'm probably stupid anyway but who cares about that stuff and school#and i won't need it for life anyway other skills are important in the real world anyway that's all useless#i guess i also had that idea that one day i will just come up with some grand idea or business type thing to make money#i mean that's also that kind of stuff u see all over the internet and i def saw too much of that#and sure that's possible but how often and even then is it even so great having that type of job where ur never off#and like other jobs which are achieved though education have a lot of beauty too and there are many great routes which require education#at first i didn't even want to go to uni because i was so sick of school and i believed i wouldn't belong there anyway bc of those reasons#and because i thought i was too stupid in that way to make it#i also had this weird view of looking at some smart people as know it alls or being pretentious and i didn't wanna be all that??#still don't know why i thought that?? it honestly sounds sooo stupid and i also thought i wouldn't fit in with uni students anyway...#like i'm so different... couldn't have been more wrong#i never felt more belonging than at uni like this is where i'm supposed to be - the great people i met there and friends i made#and my awesome professors#i actually admire some of them so much 🥺#like i wanna be like them - whatever path i will end up in jobwise#might become a teacher too or even a professor (dare i dream lol) or sth with media could also be a great option 🤭#but what i mean why i admire them sm they're so intelligent but also many of them such great people#like empathetic helpful and idk i just love smart people#they're so well spoken and i highly value people who really know their stuff well by now and they certainly do#but not only that also having such great general knowledge u can have such interesting conversation with such people#and many professors actually have opened my eyes to many issues of our our world and made me rethink and change some of my views#or just things i wasn't even aware of bc we all live in our little bubble at time at least i certainly did#only obsessing over my little life and sometimes turning the head away from cruelities elsewhere#and i feel being an intelligent person is actually so cool now and i wanna know important stuff on many topics but especially...#about what i then can use for my future job or whatever i do in life and nothing i learn feels pointless now or almost nth#but even then useless stuff in school it wasn't all for nothing if u had approached it the right way#just learning by itself can teach you important skills and knowledge like how to learn - how to memorise stuff the best way...#or finding out what ur capable of and growing ur self esteem it's all valuable in some way
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People who say Bakugou should be punished for telling Deku to kill himself and Make fun of him need to realize he’s been dead for more than a year… that’s all.
LOL yeah like i think he's received the worst possible punishment for his actions ... which is. u know. dying
it's also so silly bc have u ever encountered a 14 year old. everyone was or will be 14 at some point. and it's common knowledge that u're absolutely ur worst self in middle school. it can literally only go up from there
not everyone has told someone else to kill themselves at 14 but i assure u everyone has done stupid shit as a 14 year old and i think most normal people would give literal children some grace regarding their bad behavior. bc most normal people would understand that ur identity and personality at 14 shouldn't be taken as a true reflection of ur character. bc u were 14. and u're irrational and u're still growing and ur brain is still developing. and more importantly, u didn't know shit. and u thought u did and that's why u were stupid and made mistakes and said dumb shit.
"but he was a bully and that's why he deserves to suffer severely and painfully for the rest of his life" these ppl are lucky bkg isn't real; if u're older than 14 and know better yet say this about a real 14 year old i think that says more about u than the kid. u will be put on a list of some kind
#sick and tired of ppl thinking bkg's 14 y/o self means literally anything anymore#like hey man. yeah. maybe in s1.#it's also telling that ppl think characters don't??? develop??? and to a more alarming extent they don't think PEOPLE develop??????#when change is very real and normal and expected thing??? literally EVERYONE changes???????#u cannot look at me dead in the eyes and tell me u are the exact same person u were at 14 bc good golly i would sure hope not!#most ppl and i mean a good majority of ppl become better as they age bc they learn things and gain perspective#and if u can understand that (this is a very easy concept to grasp) then u can understand that bkg too is capable of change#and has changed!!! a lot!!!#so yeah if someone comes at me with the 'he told deku to kill himself!!!!! he should die!!!!!!!' argument#i'm gonna automatically assume they don't know how to read and think. sorry#asks for becki#bnha manga spoilers#mha manga spoilers
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when my roommates put things back in the kitchen incorrectly it makes me frustrated and angry. apparently, did you know, this is not a thing all or most humans experience ? some people don't have an intense emotional reaction to things not being stacked in the optimal way, or pans not being put back in their "usual" spot. did you know this. did you.
#personal#I'm having an online interview on autism tomorrow and so I'm researching and reflecting more#not like this is ground breaking or anything but just. it's interesting to me that this typically doesn't elicit an emotion for people.#I've been crying a lot over autism videos#I haven't had a chance to process my diagnosis yet really and there's still so much for me to learn and accept about autism#like feeling shame and guilt bcs of disability has been a huge problem for me lately. not being able to accomplish what I want to.#and seeing videos of other autistic ppl who were really attached to the idea of who they would become when they got older#or identified a lot with who they were while masking#and now have to let go of those things. and figure out who they actually are and are capable of doing without burnout.#whoof man. its a lot. i still haven't let go of who i thought id be when i grew up. to the extent that said struggle is part of my identity.#it's just. I am autistic. several medical professionals familiar with autism saw me and went 'yeah you are autistic'.#I spent so long learning how to better cope with my depression.#and it turns out some of that advice is opposite to what you need if its autistic burnout instead#which im gonna assume i just kinda had both going on at various times#i just. im not sure what to do with my life.#but i guess first i have to make my life more baseline liveable and enjoyable before i start pondering that#change is hard. basically. thats what this was about.
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found my notepad list of locations to get screenshots of for the travel log series!!!! I thought I lost this lol
#gonna take these screenshots while playing fallout 3#I'll come back to them later when I write the entries#someday#still need to finish the one i've had in my drafts for ages lol#kinda got distracted by literally everything past august lmao#PLUS the stephen fic which I still need to continue..#i did have a moment though of thinking “what's the point?”#bc for some reason I cared briefly if people saw them/read them or not#which sure can suck if you put a lot of work into somebody just for nobody to like or see it#but I also just don't advertise it lmao#i just spaff them out and move on lol#anyway I kinda thought about it more and changed my thinking on it#like SURE the recognition is great! it gives you more motivation to carry things on!#but I realised the main core of why I was doing it was just to prove to myself that I am capable of writing a series!#and having an avenue to more deeply flesh out the gay (and aroace) dudes who live in my head.#PLUS I'm already like? 10 entries in#11 if we count the one in the drafts#and the series is like 24-30ish entries long#so technically I'm like a quarter of the way through ALREADY so I may as well finish it#and if people like it then that's great!#but also I'm like the king of flop-posts so it's whatever lmfao#also the king of getting side-tracked it seems lol#already working on my new years resolution! “talk about how you think/feel more!"
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another thing I enjoy about asmos character is that we get hints about some of his past romantic relationships
Im sure the other brothers have engaged with others in the past but actually getting to read about it is interesting to me
#obey me asmodeus#i wanna learn everything about this character hah#it makes him feel more real the more info i get#also this info in particular makes sense for his type of character#being the avatar of lust and having so much love in his body#and ik it sounds weird cause#“ahh this is a self indulgent dating game we dont wanna hear about them being interested in others or having past lovers"#but i think it ENHANCES the importance of asmo falling for MC in the end (thats the whole point of “flirty” types tho)#also im nosy...im down to know!#trying to date changed my brain chemistry#me before would have not cared i think#anyways i refuse to believe none of the brothers other than asmo havent been interested in anyone other than mc#like only mc?#are u sure....#idk how to say it without sounding mean#but....thousands of years of existence and u never looked at anyone else other than mc?#no crushes even?#if they were aromantic it would make sense but they aren't cause mc (and even then people can experiment)#ik its fictional self indulgence but...it feels so unrealistic i cant take it seriously#when a character is only capable of falling in love with mc#and apparently NO ONE ELSE in the whole wide world#im already like “...hmmm naur” but now factor in that the character is not human and has been around for a very long time....#like theyve had to met so many people by now please be for real right now#well thats my spiel but i feel like i can keep rambling about this honestly
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what if -i'm over here about this now sorry- but what if. glitch isn't, technically speaking, settled?
#what if. he's like how they get when you're Close to settling and they have one shape they generally occupy#but still have the capability of completely changing shape#(vs. i think all daemons retain some amount of sort of. squash and stretch and exaggerate. perfectly static makes no sense 2 me)#but glitch just straight up. people Assume he's settled because she's ~20s but what if. he's not technically settled?#and so. largely he is a house cat and doesn't even encounter the compulsion to change very often so it's not really that they're constantly#masking/hiding it or anything it's just that#he's not technically settled. and it doesn't come up a lot but sometimes. ohhh sometimes. weird things happen#probably i think he mostly changes size. like even stay the same looking kind of cat but like one day he's just#an absolutely massive tomcat you know like the kind that make you go Woah and then sometimes. littlest little guy#and then sometimes she gets so mad or fierce or Sure that he shakes out into a tiger but dwbi
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Why the fuck do people expect me to be a literal fucking angel just because I like wearing colorful outfits and hair accessories and am autistic 😭😭😭😭
#this is so annoying because when I act like an asshole everyone is 100x more surprised than when someone else acts like an asshole#like im so 'pure and cute' and not capable of having actual human thoughts and emotions#i know that am way more naive and gullible than most ppl my age even though ive been through a lot of trauma caused by actual terrible ppl#but i just dont know how to change that aspect of myself...#i kind of wish i was evil lol#and then i also have high moral expectations for myself (?)#like if I partake in gossip or being extra judgemental of people that i dont even really know#i will feel like the worst person alive#then I see what shitty things other ppl do daily and consider 'ok' and im like 'wtf???'#also most ppl don't have the confirmation that im autustic since i didnt tell them but im pretty sure they catch something different in me#there's also some good things about this like this older woman from my friend group in uni puts me under her wing and acts kind of motherly#towards me and I kind of like it ngl#personal
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I just read the rbs for this and i actually got so fucking mad i saw red. To every white person who disagrees with this post; youre actively proving its point. And as a brown person. I fucking hate you. Your ignorance reeks from here.
Any and every form of privilege is opressessive by nature. The fucking.. point of that post is acknowledging that we all have (some form of) privilege—Therefore, we are all capable of opressessing, whether it is passive or active. We are constantly doing it. Thats just how the fucking world works. our world does not exist in a vaccum.
Denying or wallowing over it won't change that. you're just feigning ignorance.
Thinking you are incapable of doing any evil is not what makes you good, but instead its acknowledging that you are capable of doing evil. Stop acting like moral puritans.
lot of people take the idea they might be an oppressor like it's some kind of curse or marks them or makes them fundamentally irredeemable.
this means whenever someone suggests they might have structural power over some group, rather than being normal about it and going "oh yeah i should be mindful of how i act so i don't abuse that," they take it as a personal attack, and either jump to defending themselves by denying it, or start lashing out.
this makes 99.99999% of all conversations on this website completely fucking unbearable.
#i hate you i hate hylou I HATE YOU#dear white people: your existence alone is opressessive. go fucking cry about it i really dont care.#bitching about it / denying it wont fucking change anything.#“im not oppressing anyone!!” says white person 52. sure my guy.#im actually shocked how literally EVERYONE is proving the posts point. i hate you so fucking much.#ppl are butthurt over the use of the word oppressor is so funny to me. like—what do you want them to use.#“person who is capable of opressing” lol. fuck off.#quit complaining about the responsibility i came with your power. fuckkkkkkkk#text#rb
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Whenever I think about students using AI, I think about an essay I did in high school. Now see, we were reading The Grapes of Wrath, and I just couldn't do it. I got 25 pages in and my brain refused to read any more. I hated it. And its not like I hate the classics, I loved English class and I loved reading. I had even enjoyed Of Mice and Men, which I had read for fun. For some reason though, I absolutely could NOT read The Grapes of Wrath.
And it turned out I also couldn't watch the movie. I fell asleep in class both days we were watching it.
This, of course, meant I had to cheat on my essay.
And I got an A.
The essay was to compare the book and the movie and discuss the changes and how that affected the story.
Well it turned out Sparknotes had an entire section devoted to comparing and contrasting the book and the movie. Using that, and flipping to pages mentioned in Sparknotes to read sections of the book, I was able to bullshit an A paper.
But see the thing is, that this kind of 'cheating' still takes skills, you still learn things.
I had to know how to find the information I needed, I needed to be able to comprehend what sparknotes was saying and the analysis they did, I needed to know how to USE the information I read there to write an essay, I needed to know how to make sure none of it was marked as plagerized. I had to form an opinion on the sparknotes analysis so I could express my own opinions in the essay.
Was it cheating? Yeah, I didn't read the book or watch the movie. I used Sparknotes. It was a lot less work than if I had read the book and watched the movie and done it all myself.
The thing is though, I still had to use my fucking brain. Being able to bullshit an essay like that is a skill in and of itself that is useful. I exercised important skills, and even if it wasnt the intended way I still learned.
ChatGTP and other AI do not give that experience to people, people have to do nothing and gain nothing from it.
Using AI is absolutely different from other ways students have cheated in the past, and I stand by my opinion that its making students dumber, more helpless, and less capable.
However you feel about higher education, I think its undeniable that students using chatgtp is to their detriment. And by extension a detriment to anyone they work with or anyone who has to rely on them for something.
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Did Charles commit suicide?
What if he didn’t go north... What if he left for good? (A soul-crushing headcanon about Charles Smith)

What if Charles took his own life? Yes, yes, just like that — what if he left, not north, but FOR GOOD. I keep thinking about this more and more. Because so much about him screams — “I can’t do this anymore.”
Everyone says: he went to Canada. Oh sure, sure. But maybe it’s time to stop repeating that comforting bedtime story. Canada was mentioned once, barely, like a breath. But in another dialogue — he says he wants to go to INDOCHINA. Can you imagine? Indochina! Where is that, and where’s Canada, and where is he? He’s lost. He’s torn. He doesn’t know where to go. Because he feels at home NOWHERE. And all of this — it’s not a plan. It’s emptiness. It’s pain wrapped in scraps of fantasy.
And when he tells John: “What does your family need an old gunslinger for?” — that’s NOT A JOKE. That’s a scream. A plea. A wound masked as a smile. Because he’s the outsider among friends. He’s the extra. He’s just... there. But he’s not part of it. And he knows that. Feels it in his bones. In his heart.
He doesn’t even sleep in the house. Doesn’t sleep on the property. Wanders into the woods. Into the dark. Into solitude. Some would say — it’s just habit, right? He’s used to the wild. Used to isolation. Bullshit. It’s not habit. It’s escape. Because being close — hurts. Watching Abigail, watching John, watching their child — it’s like a blade across the soul. Their dream came true. And him? Who is he? He’s — no one. Once, he was an outcast among outcasts. Now he’s just... the only one left. Alone among the joyful.
And the doubts he voices to John — “Will this life be enough for you?” — that’s not about John. That’s about himself. He’s asking himself. He doesn’t believe happiness is possible for him. That he deserves it. That he’s even capable of feeling something other than this tight, choking loneliness.
And that talk about going north, starting a family, finding a woman... I DON’T BELIEVE IT. NOT A SINGLE WORD. It sounds like a script. A rehearsed line. A mask. A way to say something so they’ll stop asking. He has no plan. No place. No direction. He says it himself. “I don’t know where.”
Not Canada. Not Wapiti. He could’ve gone back there a hundred times. In eight years. But he didn’t. Because he never saw it as home. It was something lost, something nostalgic — not a place he was needed.
And just finding a woman? Really? This is Charles. A man who lets NO ONE in. He’s built like a fortress. In his mind. In his soul. In his silence. And if he lets someone in — it’s forever. And if he doesn’t — no one gets close. This isn’t about “settling down.” This is about finding a soul that moves him. And those are rare. Maybe one. Maybe none.
He says: “These last eight years, I’ve come to accept the things I can’t change.” Is that supposed to be hope? It’s not acceptance. It’s surrender. That’s not light at the end of the tunnel — it’s the tunnel closing in. It’s numbness. It’s emptiness.
And John, dear John… tells him: “You’re the strongest man I know.” I HATE THAT PHRASE. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY IT ABOUT HIM. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY IT ABOUT ME. It’s NOT strength. It’s survival. It’s when life beats you so hard, all you learn is not to fall. It’s not a choice. It’s endurance. He’s not strong. He’s exhausted. He’s shattered. He’s lonely, he’s silent, and he’s so, so tired.
Even if he met “the one” — would she love him? The real him? The broken one? The quiet one? The distant one? Or would she fall for the mask — for the “I’ve made peace with the past” lie? And if she never sees the real Charles — how could he ever be happy with her? He doesn’t do halfway. Not him.
Abigail and John are different. She knew his pain. All of it. His monsters. His sorrow. She accepted it. Who would accept Charles? Who even knows who he became?
And in that last ride... he says: “I’m heading north.” Turns down Sadie’s offer to work together. Says it’s time to move on. But what if he wasn’t moving forward. What if he was moving toward the end.
(Another powerful and unwavering argument for me: we all remember how Charles and John ride out to save Uncle in the epilogue — and how Charles, with a chilling steadiness, says that if the uncle’s wounds are too severe, the only mercy left would be to help him cross over. He speaks of killing — not driven by hatred, not poisoned by cruelty — but as a final act of love, a broken, desperate kindness to release a soul from agony. And I ask: was it only uncle’s suffering Charles wished to end? Or was he, too, reaching for a way to quiet his own howling grief? I believe he was. I believe he desperately was.)
What if that was his way of saying goodbye. Softly. Quietly. Not “farewell.” Just — gone. So they could keep living, believing he’s somewhere out there. Alive. Just... far. But in truth — he had already made peace. He had written his ending.
Not to the north. Not to Wapiti. Not to a woman. But to the place where nothing hurts anymore.
And if that’s what happened... if he really left...
...maybe, finally, he found peace.
#charles smith#rdr2#charles smith rdr2#red dead redemption 2#charles smith x reader#arthur morgan#charles smith x arthur morgan#red dead redemption#irinap25#Irinap25i#rdr2 community#charles rdr2#rdr#charles smith x you
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Some may be apprehensive that Severance won’t portray Mark’s interaction with Helena in the tent as the sexual assault it was. But not only will they — they already are.
Mark’s behavior toward Helly has completely changed. He doesn’t sit next to her at Irving’s funeral. He shuts down attempts at conversation with offhand, vague snarky comments and a defiantly blank facial expression. When Helly knocks on the door to the bathroom, his eyes dart around like an animal cornered. Where he once would have slowed down for her in the hallway so they could talk, he walks much faster ahead. He’s trying as hard as possible to avoid her. To ignore her. To run away.
Now contrast this with his treatment of “Helly” when she first walked out of the elevator in season two. He waited for her to arrive! He was so relieved she’d come back! And when they were walking down that hallway and he was explaining the situation with Ms. Casey, he stopped mid-stride, turned to her with a smile on his face, and said “Look, Helly—“
He never got to finish that sentence. But some say he was going to confess that though his outie had a wife, his affections lay with her. And I think they’re right.
So why is he acting so differently now? The answer is obvious: “Because they are smarter than us, okay? They know everything.”
After the assault, Mark likely feels like a complete idiot. He spent so much of season one deconstructing his beliefs and breaking free from Lumon’s propaganda. And the minute he believes he’s immune to their lies and no longer a corporate slave, he is taken advantage of and hoodwinked by the very figurehead of said company, masking as someone he loves.
A symbol of Lumon convinced him he was safe. Tricked him. Invaded him in the most intimate way possible, with him completely oblivious, “like an idiot.” Right when he thought everything might be okay.
So maybe Lumon’s right. Maybe there’s no point in fighting. Because if he was stupid enough to not realize his own friend was being possessed by her billionaire doppelgänger, then maybe Lumon is correct about innies being nothing more than pawns. Maybe they are people, and he really is… not. (That’s how Helena treated him, anyway.)
And if that’s the case, of course he wants to give up looking for Ms. Casey and lose himself in work! For a moment he thought he was a human being, deserving of autonomy over his own body and capable of something more than sitting behind a desk — but his assault sends that all crashing down. He is an extension of his outie, made for work and nothing more. Going beyond that gets dangerous. That’s what got Irving killed… and him in Helena’s tent. And Helly? He cannot trust Helly. As far as he knows, his only confirmed moment with Helly since the OTC was when he was holding her in his arms, his jacket wrapped around her shoulders. Why should it be Helly coming back to the severed floor? If Helena could trick him before, who says she can’t learn from her past mistakes and trick him again over and over? Mark refuses to be humiliated and hurt after last time, so he avoids her (and Dylan!) and puts up a barrier of cool, snarky indifference — just like how he deals with grief.
But we know that indifference is a mask. When Milchick walked out of the elevator after revealing he knew about him and Helena Eagan, Mark had no one to pretend for — and he went completely stiff, blankly wide-eyed in an expression extremely reminiscent of his usual innie self. Whatever the reasons for this, one thing’s for sure: Mark does deeply care about what happened in the tent. And at least for now, he will lose himself in Cold Harbor to cope with it.
Lumon certainly got their productive worker back. But good Lord… at what cost?
#severance#severance apple tv#severance season 2#severance show#severance s2#severance spoilers#mark severance#mark s#mark scout#helly r#helena eagan#helly riggs#severance meta#helly severance
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