#but i just dont know how to change that aspect of myself...

[camillepreakr]

Why the fuck do people expect me to be a literal fucking angel just because I like wearing colorful outfits and hair accessories and am autistic 😭😭😭😭

[ganondoodle]

sorry about posting so much negative stuff, complaining, the doubt i have about the quality of all my projects and all the things i keep saying i want to do (bc i really want to) and then often never get to follow up, its gotta be annoying but when its late i have less restraint on just starting to ramble whatever i think at the moment, its not gonna make anything better

trying to talk less and do more and accept that i just cannot do all the things in the scale i want to do them in and to put less pressure on myself to deliver the best i can possibly do (which is a bar so high i reach it like twice a year on random things) in the hopes it will get me the approval of others, whatever i can manage to finish has to be good enough u-u

[lokh]

i know people complain about like. learning the rules for te-form or informal past tense in japanese being difficult but. right now swedish feels a million times worse

[walsuf]

hey I wanna make a character with narcolepsy and I've been doing my own research but I also felt like maybe asking someone who has it and stuff and since you made that comic headcannoning SM with it (really neat btw <3) I thought that you may be comfortable sharing some experience with it (as much as you feel comfortable ofc!) so I could better understand it so I may fit it into a character myself. OBVIOUSLY YOU DONT NEED TO ACCEPT IF YOU DONT WANT TO! this is coming out of nowhere and stuff so apologies if you feel uncomfortable!

[LONG POST] Yeah! Let's talk narcolepsy! Some things that might help (ft. Shadow Milk)

First and foremost, I want to say that my experience with narcolepsy is going to be very different from other people's, and I'm mostly just going to yap about my own details. Everyone experiences their symptoms in a unique way, kinda like how every bag of fruit snacks is different. You anticipate the same stuff inside (symptoms), but one bag will have all of the colors and another might have all orange ones.

I think my biggest advice here is to not dogpile all the symptoms, just focus on what heavily affects a character the most. Sometimes that's going to be nightmarish hallucinations, sometimes their sleep attacks; for Shadow Milk, I fixate a lot on cataplexy! (Weakness is a huge thing that I struggle with personally.) Regardless of additional symptoms, excessive daytime sleepiness will always be present :p

This one might be hard, but do something that you resonate with the most. Most people have experienced sleep paralysis at least once; a lot of people with narcolepsy get sleep paralysis very often, usually accompanied by visual/audio/tactile hallucinations. Then, it becomes a matter of changing the frequency and intensity rather than making something up.

When it comes to hallucinations, they can sometimes be horrifying (and are exacerbated by sickness, lack of sleep, and general unwellness). I find that a lot of people with nightmares and frightening hallucinations tend to have those in excess; I personally almost never get those. My hallucinations are usually very minor, like seeing the lights flicker when I close my eyes, or feeling like my body is surrounded by water or gently rocking back and forth. My most frequent one (and by far the most annoying) is that coming out of sleep I hear my alarm going off or my name being called. Neither of which are actually happening.

Excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), like everything else, presents differently in everyone. Sleep attacks are only one aspect of it---which gives a person the nearly irresistible need to sleep for seconds to sometimes hours. Some people thug them out (often they can be resisted) because they find themselves losing way more time succumbing to it. Some people fall asleep very quickly, and can be in the middle of an important thing while doing so. I've personally fallen asleep mid-lecture while writing notes, and looking back at them is... interesting (there's a thing called "automatic behaviors" you might want to look into). Personally, I don't get sleep attacks often, but they are exhausting to deal with, and make me pretty much appear and act drunk without the fun part.

My normal experience with EDS is just a general level of sleepiness following me throughout the day, like that same feeling you get while working on an essay late in the night. It's manageable, but sucks. This isn't to say I never feel alert, there are good days and bad days, but most are in this sleepy middle ground that forces me to nap twice a day (noon and afternoon) lest I get all grouchy and my speech starts to slur.

From the outside perspective, sometimes people can guess that I'm having a sleep attack or just generally sleepy before I even know. I'll be told, "you sound tired," which is almost followed up with an, "...I do???" I crash within the next ten minutes almost every time.

Cataplexy is a symptom specific to N1 (which is actually an autoimmune disease, fun fact), and also happens to be what I struggle with frequently. It has strong emotional triggers (think anxiety, anger, surprise, laughter [doesn't have to be all of those, just pick a few]) and causes a degree of weakness. This can be anything from eye twitches and difficulty holding up the neck to full body collapses. For the most part, I feel it in my hands. When I laugh, I can't write or clench my hands any more. They become useless floppy limbs until a few minutes pass and they're back to normal. I am (unfortunately) a very giggly person. Personally, my slightest attacks make my head fall forward. My most severe one had me collapsing 6 times in the course of 15 minutes, hitting my head each time. Cataplexy attacks can cause subsequent attacks to come easier, and it's difficult to break the cycle. I avoid stairs for this reason.

If you've ever experienced morning weakness, or a few minutes in the morning where its slightly more difficult to hold things and get around, that's a lot like what minor cataplexy feels like, except condensed into a short, spontaneous episode. Oh! And it's often accompanied with blurred vision (look up ptosis) and speech difficulties as well!

I don't fear any of my symptoms because that's just how I experience the world. I've always felt weakness with laughter, so I thought that was always normal. I've been frequently sleepy and assumed that I was somehow lazier than everyone else. Now, I try to listen to my body. It takes a lot of effort to stop a conversation and go to sleep because my body needs it, and it sometimes sucks to forewarn my lab partners not to tell jokes around me. Sometimes I lay down in the middle of nowhere and have random people asking if I'm okay (hate this, I'm usually too weak to respond).

All in all, just try to make it a set of circumstances that someone else lives with rather than a set of symptoms that constantly put a character into crisis mode. People with narcolepsy don't need to be babied (I sincerely hope my comics don't come off that way because they're rooted in personal experience), they can manage their symptoms just fine on their own. Self-accommodations can come off as strange or funny (bringing a blanket everywhere, wearing sunglasses to manage minor cataplexy, wrist strap on the phone so as not to drop it), but they're there for a reason.

Sorry for the tangent, I've actually been on a heavy uptick educating myself. A good place to go for life experiences would be, of course, the narcolepsy subreddit. It's a good resource for people talk rather than medical jargon. If you need any examples for how to write or depict certain symptoms, though, I would be more than happy to do that on request! (I loove writing drabbles, and I know there's almost 0 narcolepsy fics, much less any written by people who care about accuracy. I'm begging to be asked here [will probably cookie run-ify everything though])

Thank you for reading if you got this far, and I hope this helped!

[kainekillinggod]

letter to my boyfriend.

. I dont feel that you see me as a man. Or at least even a guy, a dude. And ykw. You dont. I can tell, and I really actually hate that. I dont hate you, I dont really blame you persay, but knowing that I am not seen as who I actually am by someone I love deeply, is completely uncanny to me. Its disturbing, it makes me feel sick.

I know you're figuring yourself out, I know you're still questioning your sexuality and everything, but it really really hurts when you tell me you're straight. I dont think you understand at all. Its nauseating, it makes me feel so disgusted with myself. It makes me feel like im ruining you.

I dont like being called pretty. I dont like being called beautiful. I want to be handsome and charming and manly and stunning. I am not your girlfriend. I know you dont call me that, it just needs to be clarified.

You love me. I know that. I love you. I know that. I only wish that you would see me as I am, as I really am. Im not ever going to be a girl, I will never be your girlfriend, I will never be anyone's wife. I will always be a man. I will always be Kaine. Thats my name, thats my real, genuine name.

I used to be a girl, I will admit! When I was a little baby, thats who I was. Her name was [deadname], and she lived a good life, and she had so much fun. But she isnt there anymore. I took her place, I took the life she lived, because she deserved better. And I will never go back. She only exists in my memories. [Deadname] is not me, and I am not her. I knew her, and she influences some things I will admit, but now its just Me. Kaine.

Anyone who says that I am her is wrong. Anyone who calls me by that name is wrong. And I will hate them. They are disgracing that little girl I once was, they are spitting on her face and rubbing dirt in her eyes.

I am Kaine. That is who I am. I am a man in the places it matters most, and nothing will ever, EVER change that. I want to look like a man, I want to be covered in hair. I want a fucking mustache and beard and I want muscles and fat on my body, and I want a flat chest, a chest without tits. I want a dick, whether silicone or real, and I want my driver's license to have an M marker. I want to be called Sir and Mr.

I want to get married in an elegant suit, have the priest or whatever tell my partner they may kiss the groom. God I want to be a groom, waiting for my partner to walk down the aisle in their beautiful outfit, and be their husband, their partner.

I want to be a safe place for other gay men and boys, and I want to relate with them and talk about how it is to be a man, to love other men and other people as a man. I want to be seen, felt, taste, heard, cherished, loved, held, protected, helped, hurt, feared, hated, buried as a man.

At my funeral I want them to say how much of a beloved Husband, brother, father, uncle, and friend I was. I want my gravestone to have Kaine on it. I want to be buried with a fine old black suit. I want the crowd to have loved me as I was, I want to have been a man throughout the entire life by the people I loved. I want the eulogies to say "He was a great man". I want the preacher to say "He had a good life".In every single aspect, I want to be known, I want to be loved, i want to die, a man.

Do not let them bury me in a dress. Do not call me their daughter. Do not call me a wife. Do not call me a mother. Do not let them take away who I was, and use a name that died before my body. Do not speak to me like a woman. Do not lie to me or yourself, saying I am something I am not.

[the-bonfires-ember]

Friendship and ASPD

In a cluster b server I’m in, someone asked about how ASPD impacts friendships and I was encouraged to cross post my response on here so here we go.

Firstly, I’m going to go through how I figured out friendship and how to make it work for me starting from my lowest functioning point to where I am now.

So to begin with, I had no true circles. I floated between groups of people who could give me what I wanted in that moment and just manipulated them into giving it to me if my request alone was not satisfactory. Sometimes all I wanted was social camouflage, sometimes i wanted money or food or a distraction. It was arbitrary and there was no real long term plan - at least, when i was no longer in an environment where long term strategies were vital.

Eventually, as I started working on my recovery, I managed to maintain relationships that were exclusively online. The convenience in putting away my laptop and my social obligations disappearing along with it was immensely helpful and it gave me a way of experimenting with being a little more open and a little more attached that had no Real Life repercussions. It was still transactional, all my relationships still are to this day, but they started becoming less Obviously transactional. I was still getting physical, tangible stuff from people, but I was also getting support, a safe space to figure out how to relate to my emotions, and somewhere to practice empathy and other social skills like it. There was a lot of trial and error but when I ruined something in one space I could just start again somewhere else and not have to worry about the two overlapping.

Now that I am Recovered™️ sort of, I’ve developed Exceptions, who have at some point shown that they are trustworthy and nonjudgemental and understand the antisocial side of my personality and are happy to help me work around it. My symptoms sort of change around them. I don’t have remorse but with Exceptions I will feel a kind of visceral disgust directed at myself for how I could have hurt them like that and that will quite often spark a narc crash.

I decided a long time ago what I didn’t want to be, so throughout the entire process I was watching for patterns of behaviour that were harmful for the sake of being harmful. I created a quite intricate set of rules that I couldn’t loophole my way out of and that was very much an important factor in how I continued to develop my skills and ability to interact and maintain relationships.

I am still bad at a lot of stuff though. I don’t reach out to people, I never start conversations so a lot of people just disappear until I’m reminded of them. I’m also awful at vocalising appreciation and while I know logically that people like to help their friends, I constantly have an internal debate about whether I am taking advantage of people I don’t want to be taking advantage of (given that taking advantage of people tends to make them pissed off eventually). And there are days where I don’t want to be around anyone at all and thats ok. It’s better for me to let myself be by myself than to force myself to interact with people when I really dont want to.

Recognising where I lack skills and reflexes prosocials have has been a skill in and of itself and it took a long time to develop it. But it’s been worth it to me, I’m now able to experience and enjoy so many aspects of life I thought weren’t meant for me.

And I’m very smug about being able to get it despite it being implied I never would.

[oh-no-its-bird]

Gonna ramble a bit here, sorry in advance for that

With the rise in worry about the permanence of online media (books / music / video content / art / online chat history / etc.) I've been thinking about wanting to print out some of my favorite fics, or catologue some of my longer (months and years long tbh) conversations about ocs. Or maybe try and learn how to burn cds so I can save my music and favorite shows / videos n stuff

Mm,, download a show online and burn it into a cd so I never have to look for it again,, easily accessible physical copy,, I love pirating things

Obviously, with printing out fics I'd want to ask for explicit permission from the author and then keep the printed volume to myself. Gotta be careful to be respectful ab that sort of thing.

I'd also be interested in printing out some of my own shit too, just for fun. Those old conversations about ocs won't last forever, discord will eventually fail and when it does I know I for one will be crushed to lose all that chat history.

Obviously, I'm an American, and like the current political state in America is uhhh. Deeply worrying for all of us over here. So I won't lie, that's also adding a layer of worry from that angle. Things are already looking ugly, and if they get uglier, you know, I for one don't want my information to be completley ripped away from me

Turning back to the fic thing again, there's also a good amount of American fic writers who have / are planning to / are thinking about taking down some of their fics, due to fear of potential laws that threaten to make pornography illegal, and alao laws that classify anything homosexual as pornography.

Now, to be clear, I don't think they'll really do this. I think that even if they try, there're literally no fucking way it would pass. The backlash alone would be insane. But that doesn't change the fact that people are scared— that people got scared, and some have already taken things down

So there's another layer of just, shit man, I don't wanna lose my fics. There's always a risk that even if you download it, you could one day lose it too.

Also printed and bound fics are just cool as hell. What do you mean I have a copy of my very favorite fics, right there on my shelf in physical form, which I can open any time to any page I want without fear of ao3 one day crashing?

The ideal world tbh

Besides that, there's also a sort of time capsule aspect to it.

The other day, my dad whipped out his old tape recordings he made when he was a kid, just of him rambling about shit to mail to a cousin. He put them in to a record player he apparently just had, and I lost my fucking mind seeing it.

Both of my parents were laughing at how excited I was to see both the tapes and the boom box— and to listen to my dad's tinny, muffled voice sounding just like the vintage tapes might be portrayed on TV. Faint static and old timey tv lilt in his voice and all.

To them, it was just a small, slightly nostalgic thing. To me, it was cool as hell and totally retro

The things I save today, that I print, that I burn into cds; Stories I'm scared might get deleted, conversations I dont want to lose, tv shows I could never afford to maintain a subscription to see, playlists of music I worried I'd lose; They may someday be some day be a real relic of the past, however many years in the future. If not for other people, than yeah, for me

So just, I dunno. It's important to save things in a way that they can't be taken away from you.

It's supposed to be the "age of information," isn't it? Well then, let me keep my goddamn information

[daily-dubois]

Favorite thing about Harry? He's my favorite fictional character

Easy answer: his stupid dumb dumb face i like drawing it hes got good shapes

Real answer: warning for talking abt depression and passive suicidality!

aughggghhggg. There’s a lot I’ll be real, from the way de explores how one’s upbringing makes the person they end up being, to the themes of self discovery, the way it explores queer identity and how being a queer cop inherently pits you against and alienates you from thw queer community, to the way it explores the way one could become a class traitor, the way it tackles addiction, what i believe to be one of the best representations of systems, the way he allows for exploration of a religion as a methaphor for love which drives me NUTS, the funny silly jokes he does, his silly personality, ecc, there is one thing that stands out to me. The way Disco Elysium portrays interpersonal relationships when you’re depressed.

This isn’t subtext, it’s text that’s Harry is depressed, from the way he interacts with fhe dead body

To the way he views himself

To the way he views his relationships with others

Like istg. One of the most impactful moments of the entire game was that fucking letter. Most ppl focus on the “you have a vast vast soul and I’ll always come back to it” but i genuenly. The first part, its fhe best representation of how it is to love someone who’s depressed. Its even my alarm!

There’s this gentleness in it all. I can’t explain it other than as someone who’s depressed dating someone who isn’t, it feels like that, that what it feels like. Especially when you throw suicidality into the mix, it makes this cocktail of what you’d except to be met with “you cannot love others until you love yourself” mentally thats rlly prevalent nowdays

And dont get me wrong, you need to know your self worth to be in healthy relationships, but as a depressed person, you ARE worth love, you ARE worth people’s affection. Harry gets to be depressed and you get to see it, he gets to be an addict, and Kim still loves him.

Its this, thing, that Harry isnt a burden to kim, it isnt just kim that changes Harry’s life, its also the opposite. Kim gets to loosen up around Harry, the trajectory of his life is just as changed as Harry’s is, they become inseparable. Harry is depressed and he also gets to crack silly jokes and like disco music.

Ofc Harry isnt loved by everyone, thats not my argument, its the interpersonal relationship aspect of it that makes me go :,). I like seeing depressed people who Aren’t improving get that level of respect in their relationships. It feels like the former means they dont deserve the latter, which isnt true: again working on yourself is important, but its undeniable that during low points there’s not much wiggle room, sure a lot of people help themselves up, and that’s incredible, but a lot of people need a hand, and that’s important too

This is also why i hateeee those jokes that are like Kim deserves better or Kim is out of his reach (or god for id “he hasnt showered since dora left him” genuinely i hate you hahahah depressed man is unsanitary get it?? Cause struggling with hygiene is a moral failing!!! Im so funny) because it ignores their dynamic in the game. Kim is a man that built his walls to withstand ANYTHING, he doesnt let himself get close, he TOO is repressed

Anyone could deconstruct those walls, but hasnt, it was Harry who did that!

Anyone couldve offered to play Wirrail during an investigation or dance in a church or used dialectics to get him to share a sandwich, but no one had until Harry, and that makes Kim open up.

Anyone could’ve shown compassion to Harry or have been patient with him and indulged him in his jokes, but it was Kim who did that (in recent memory, Dora wouldve been the first before his predicament, but he frankly doesn’t have that in his current predicament)

Point is, and idk id ive explained myself well, theres a gentlesness abt it all, abt the way Harry gets to have this nice thing, and that he isnt shown as unworthy of it, it means a lot to me.

Also on a larger scope od things we could talk abt how disco elysium criticises the idea of person first situation later approach to improving ones mental health but yk, thats a whole other topic

[kurishiri]

my thoughts on the presence (or rather, lack thereof) of dub-con in alfons’ route in en

thank you for the ask anon! since it contains spoilers for al’s route, i will put under a cut. also it is a long post!

hi anon! i did notice this, yes! they also made changes to some other scenes as well for a similar purpose. as far as i heard, it is sort of a general trend for the en localization to water down scenes that may be considered dub- or non-con; apparently, they have done this with other ikémen series games like iképri.

in alfons’ case, though, i have some mixed feelings overall abt doing so in this route. i hope i can explain myself ok!

on one hand, i think making it more “soft” so to speak does make it feel more accessible for readers in the western fanbase, who in general seem more sensitive (?) to the presence of dub- or non-con, compared to japan. i would honestly love for many people to be able to read his route and not feel super uncomfy? while doing so. so in this respect, i can get behind this decision.

that said.

i feel like other aspects of the story have been sacrificed as a result of this. i believe that, in the original story, scenes play out the way they do for a reason. if there is dub-con, they probably arent putting it all in just for the teehee dubious consent teehees. for example, part of what made this story interesting to me in the japanese version was that against the so-called conventional notion, sex was not used as a means to bring characters closer together, but more so as a way to make them more distant. theres this sort of irony and a theme of isolation (ironically in part due to sex) that i felt was more apparent in japan, in part highlighted due to the dub-con. i feel like making kate want this beforehand is more safe, yes, but also it sort of waters down this irony a bit compared to japan imho.

another consequence is in kate’s character. i think its kind of a strange change that in some parts of the story surrounding those scenes, kate is pretty insistent on facing reality to the fullest, but then one ask from alfons and shes ready to indulge in a fantasy, away from reality, as she asked for it. but despite that, she tries to push him as far away as she can. it sort of makes me feel there’s a gap or blip in her character if that makes sense. part of what made these scenes dub-con maybe is how alfons wanted to give an escape to kate via sex, but kate didn’t want that escape bc she wants to face reality. it creates more conflict between them.

part of kates character development in alfons’ route, too, is going from being staunch in the start of the story, to learning, questioning, and deciding for herself what is considered right? and what is considered wrong? as the story progresses. but with the whole kate wanting it since the beginning, this flaw is sort of lost since the start, making her development feel a bit more static, as by her saying yes to alfons since the beginning, it already establishes her as someone who wants to see reality, but also knows to see the benefit in an escape or a fantasy, when this is sort of what she is meant to develop into by the end.

ftr im not saying these things r completely lost! just that they feel a bit watered down? a bit less engaging? if thats the word, as a kinda byproduct of softening up the dub-con scenes. so i feel the impact may be a bit less compared to japan. but, again, i do understand why they chose to make such changes as well to en.

overall, i dont hold very negative thoughts abt it. nor do i really fully like it either. maybe its bc i play on both servers, but i feel like en just… doesn’t get an experience you could get in japan, which kinda gives me mixed feelings in a way as well, i suppose. i kind of feel that en deserves to read what was dished out in japan, without it being chosen for the fanbase what should be hidden from them (had there not been fan translators translating stuff more “word for word.”)

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

open if you dare

let's take a sneak peak into the proposal, shall we?

sub!joe masterlist | joe burrow masterlist | main masterlist

___________________

joe proposes to domme in the backyard of his childhood home in athens. during their third anniversary, joe checks in like, hey, do you still want to get married?

domme says yes. it may seem silly considering they've been looking at rings since year 2 of their relationship. but that's what those check ins are for. they're for the questions that can sometimes feel obvious because the most obvious things usually have something deeper under them.

if joe had anything to do with it, solo, he'd proposed just a few months after the conversation first came up, not a year and some change later. but domme wanted more time. she loves joe. but because the dominant/submissive aspect is still relatively young for them, she wanted to see how their conversations around marriage change with that dynamic more settled.

joe's loves her; he's in love her. wants to do that hard work. they're perfectly imperfect. joe's still at some times like a roommate during the season. he's like a ghost presence to domme though he still picks out her outfit occasionally. he still picks out the nail polish color for her at home pedicures. joe still shows up for things, but sometimes he's like home just long enough to greet her at the door when she gets back home, kiss her cheek, eat dinner and then disappears for the late evening/night. and it's not bad, it just takes intention.

she has to remind herself that they still have intentional time with each other which helps ease the ache after so much passive time they have together in the offseason. they work hard to still carve out the check ins for the relationship. it's better in person but at times for a really last resort they'll do them over facetime.

domme's getting better about taking a step back when it comes to joe. she's protective of him by design, by intention, by the divine cosmos. but the thing she has to balance is making sure it never feels like joe's being smothered, or being mothered. so she's careful about nagging. she'll still do things like putting sunscreen in his bag for practice. but if joe feels like it's starting to get too much, he'll take her aside, away from the laundry, dinner, dishes, whatever it is and so gently tell her, “can we talk?”

“yeah.”

“ive noticed some behaviors.” it’s never about her, just the actions and the perception. “i dont know how else to explain it, really. i know you care about me but recently i feel like it’s maybe crossing a line. can you explain to me if something’s going on?”

sometimes it’s things at work, things domme can’t control that are spiraling which makes her feel like she’s spiraling so she tries to find the things she can control and clings to them. sometimes that’s joe and sometimes being human is so messy. “i can understand how you feel. it is a little overbearing on my part.”

“i’m sorry about the sudden change to that report at work and how rushed you feel. im more than capable of taking care of myself and you do well too, but i can handle the small things, okay? i don’t think i need a shadow in the bathroom to put toothpaste on my brush, but should that ever change i will certainly let you know. trust me?”

the question is soft, joe wants to reassure that line, that the foundation of their relationship is still solid.

“yeah, i trust you. i’m sorry again.”

“we’ve got plenty of time and plenty of opportunities. thanks for hearing me out. now, let me take care of you, okay? you take care of me so well and I know you don’t need it, but i want to.”

there’s respect, care all intertwined in the way they converse. mindful but always direct. so that they can always remain solid, unshakeable.

joe understands wanting more time before getting married. it helps him that they talk about it frequently. once joe's made up his mind he's very much like go, go, go, go about it. but he can tell it's really important to domme that they talk about other things first (prenup, kids, wills, etc). so they talk it slow and the conversations ease the itch in joe because it feels like progress. like they're still moving forward.

he starts asking about six months before he proposes how she'd want to be proposed too. already knows it won’t be in public, but joe’s wondering if she wants something extravagant, or romantic.

“something small. with the people that matter. i’m not looking for anything big. anything you want?”

joe nods—thoughtful, chewing over the answer. but he kisses her cheek. “you. but i like small and private.”

but he immediately goes to his mother, asks for her help and robin’s thrilled, happily agrees to assist however he needs.

it all leads to dinner at his parents place, laughing around the dinner table. it’s easy conversation, passed plates, trips down memory lane. until joe suggests, “do you want to eat desert in the backyard, baby? supposed to be a clear night."

"yeah, that would be nice."

and it's all unsuspecting, domme and robin help clear the plates that joe and jimmy bring into the kitchen, a familiar bustle between them. robin breaks out the snickers salad, a grin bright over her face. there's a carton of ice cream that domme works at to get herself a bowl of. they're laughing.

but the second domme steps onto the deck, her breath leaves her. there's a river of rose petals that lead down the steps, they trail over the grass and the steps to joe, a small balloon arch the in the shape of a heart with fairy lights strung up, a soft yellow hue against the settled evening. the sky's not pitch black, but that deep almost purple and blue cast. just enough light to see, but the promise of the dark just behind it.

and just in front of her is joe, on one knee, the grin on his face wobbling just a little,

robin collects the spare bowl, "oh, don't leave him waiting, sweetheart," she laughs in a whisper behind domme.

and then she's down, takes the steps in a thunderous bolt, crosses the ten or so feet in just a few strides. she's reaching for his face before joe can even speak. "you're serious?" domme asks.

"you gotta let me ask first, baby." joe's laughter is wet, his hands are trembling just a little, most of him is calm, the practiced calm he's used to, but there's a part of him overrun at the bright smile on her face.

"my answer is yes."

"baby," joe laughs.

her eyes are watering, chest squeezing, "i'm not sorry."

"i'm not either. i've loved you long enough to know better than that. so maybe i don't need to ask, really. we've had three amazing years together, and then some, almost four. i don't need to count. i know i want every second with you. i want to wake up next to you until we're old, until they have to bury us next to each other. i want to marry you, want every up with you next to me. i want even the downs if they come with you next to me. if you'll have me."

"i want that too."

jimmy's shaky hands are recording the entire thing, every so often in the replay his sniffles are heard, the only sound from him but it's clear that the emotions have overtaken everyone.

just before the recording ends, a soft "so proud of you two," is whispered. "so very proud of y'all."

[karrashifts]

ANSWERING YOUR SHIFTING QUESTIONS *ೃ༄

i was gonna make these talking videos but i apparently dont feel comfortable enough yet and also am scared of irls finding me so ur getting it as a tumblr post :( these are scattered through and are questions regarding both my dr but also shifting in general! enjoy!!!

・❥・ Can you share details about the 30 day mind reprogramming you did?

yes of course! for those of you who don't know, my first ever intentional shift to a reality i really wanted to go to happened during a 30 day mind reprogram sorta?? i don't know if i can really call it a mind reprogram, it was more of a "restarting ur shifting journey".

i got the inspiration for it from a discord server in which every channel was dedicated to a day 1-30. every day you'd enter a channel and do the tasks within the channel. i ended up leaving the server because i felt it was rather tailored to mcu drs but i made my own little plan inspired by it.

i took a planner and wrote down tasks for everyday for 30 days. it wasn't just tasks such as "meditate" or "try to shift" etc. it was a mapped out plan for my shifting journey including tasks such as "write a letter to your dr self" "educate yourself on this shifting related topic". it kept me insanely motivated and connected me to my dr!

you can always map out your journey like this yourself with tasks you wanna do but if you're interested in my specific plan, i can always make a discord server similar to the one i was inspired by and help/guide you within the server! :) lmk

・❥・ If you don't script a faceclaim will you just look like yourself?

there are infinite realities with infinite possibilities and that includes your looks! i can't specifically tell you what will happen if you don't script anything but it usually aligns with your intentions or beliefs. if you do wanna script precautions and aren't quite set on looking like you do here, here are appearance things i script or how my appearance changed in drs:

- you dont need a faceclaim to shift or change ur appearance in a dr. you could always twist singular features or aspects about your appearance in your script. you don't like your green eyes? script you have brown ones etc.

- the thing i do, is i will pick a faceclaim but look more like a "mix" of the two of us. i know this can seem kinda scary or uncanny idk but features i like about her stay and features i like about myself stay. especially in drs in which i am significantly older than here, this has helped me visualize a lot because i have very teenagy features and seeing myself as a middle aged adult was kinda hard.

- beauty standards arent the same across all realities and you can use that for your advantage. things i am truly insecure about here, i often script to be THE aspired beauty standard in my dr and this has made me more confident here aswell.

in my personal case, whenever i don't script my appearance i end up looking like here, except for some features because my body or looks adjust to my surroundings. example for this is the fact i am way skinnier in my star wars dr due to intense training or my skin is better in my fame dr due to a personalized expensive skincare routine.

・❥・Do you have trouble differentiating between actors in your fame dr and characters they might play in other drs?

it depends on the actor and their roles. a lot of my star wars co stars are just so immensely different from the characters they play that it is hard to see them alike and it feels like they only share a face. additionally i struggle with memories from my dr and often can't carry personal feelings across realities so i sort of forget i know them in a different form aswell.

i do sometimes struggle with grudges and i'll hold them across realities which can be kind of confusing and unfair for the other person but i think i am getting better at ignoring those. i think at the end of the day i don't see differenciating them as a necessity and look at them more as eachothers variants like portrayed in the mcu.

・❥・DR RELATED: How did you and your S/O meet and get together?

this question was targeted at my fame dr so if youre new my s/o is gong yoo and im a hollywood actress in my 30s!

i love this question sm stop anyways so. i didn't really script a "get together" story but i did script the circumstance under which we met. i wrote an action movie about the multiverse here and scripted it into my dr. for lore reasons the movie's cast was split into half south korean actors and half hollywood provided actors. ofc we both got casted and our characters were usually on screen together.

i didn't really meet him on set though but in a language course. the movie was supposed to be appealing to both sides of media so depending on context or scene it was filmed in korean or english. all cast members had to be somewhat stable and confident in both languages and the directors thought, the most productive way to make us learn, would be to have us all take classes together and teach eachother.

i can't say that it was love at first sight HELP. because our characters were so relevant in eachothers lore we usually practiced together to both learn and bond but we are both very frustrated language learners so this wasn't always easy. i remember usually walking out the course and thinking hes kind of an ass whoops.

we ended up meeting again a few weeks later on set, and from then on we became really good friends and we ended up teaching eachother more on set than in the course. our scenes together took about 8 weeks to film and at some point, his character had to k1ll my role. it was a rather gruesome and gorey scene to film and while it didn't affect me much he felt rather bad filming it and so after our day on set was over, he was all "let me take you out" and i was obv all "you don't have to do that" but he insisted because he felt bad for having to pretend to do that so i agreed.

we were filming in LA at that time so i showed him the place we ate at and we walked there to have him see some stuff. throughout the date i randomly got confused about if this is even a date or not help but since i am pretty straightforward i just asked if it was and he very awkwardly said yes so we decided it is one lmao. after this we just kept going on dates every now and then after filming and showing eachother around depending on where we were filming. eventually filming got to an end and we lost contact for a while until the whole cast reunited once in seoul and he told me he wanted to try again and be official and exclusive 🙍🏻‍♀️💕

[jadeshifting]

hi jade! question, how do i go about naming myself when scripting my dr? i still want my first name to be avery but i dont know if i should choose a last name or just go by avery. like i feel like i should have a last name !!

inserting personal aspects into my scripting is hard because i don’t want to be majorly different but also not exactly the same. and im worried if my dr isn’t specific enough or doesn’t have enough information it won’t turn out how i want 😓

it’s like you just sense when i wanna talk about things 🧘‍♀️ i spend SO much time thinking about this and i very, very carefully select my names in all my DR’s, i hope some of this helps:

— WHAT’S IN A NAME? ( choosing the perfect name for your DR self )

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

picking a name for your DR self might seem like a tiny detail in the grand cosmic scheme of hopping realities, but it’s actually kind of a big deal for you. it’s not just about what you’re called; it’s about who you are in that world. a name anchors you, makes you feel distinct, and helps you slide into your DR like you’ve been there your whole life (which you have.) but don’t stress—this isn’t some life-or-death decision. let’s dive into how to make this process fun, meaningful, and totally you

YOUR NAME, YOUR RULES … first things first: you don’t have to change your name. if you love the name you’ve got now, keep it. own it. your current name can absolutely exist across realities, no questions asked. but if you’re craving a little spice, you’ve got options. maybe you want to keep your first name the same but add a nickname that makes your DR self feel a little more a A nickname can add just enough flair to feel fresh, while still letting you hold onto your original vibe

( for example: in my Walking Dead reality, i got the nickname ‘Jade the Spade’ for wielding a shovel. people call me Spade sometimes. and in my Supernatural reality, lots of people call me ‘Bunny.’ no reason, other then that i like it )

SURNAME STORIES … most people are attached to their first names, so last names is where you’re probably gonna go full-on creative mode. your last name is a chance to add depth to your DR identity. it’s like an easter egg about your heritage, your family’s legacy, or even your role in your DR. maybe you choose something classic and elegant, or maybe you pick something that screams symbolism

your last name can also connect to your DR family. are you part of a noble house? a witchy bloodline? a small-town clan with a long, long legacy? choose a name that ties you to that world and makes you feel like you belong. It’s all about creating an identity and a past that feels real and lived-in, one and you can truly connect to and ground yourself in

NAMES AS BRIDGES … names are grounding. they’re one of the first things people associate with identity, so giving yourself a distinct name or nickname can make it easier to connect to your DR self. but let’s be clear: your name isn’t going to make or break your shifting success. your DR self is still you, whether you’re rocking your current name, a new one, or something as simple as “babe” because everyone there is obsessed with you (duh)

DON’T OVERTHINK IT … let’s get one thing straight: you could spend weeks debating the perfect DR name, but at the end of the day, it’s not that deep. your name is just one tiny piece of the puzzle, and it’s not going to keep you from shifting. stressing yourself out over it isn’t worth it. you can always change it later—or script that no one will even notice if you do. reality shifting isn’t that picky !!

pick a name that feels good in your gut, write it down, and keep it moving. and if you wake up in your DR and decide “nah, this actually doesn’t vibe,” you can tweak it on the fly. the multiverse is flexible like that :)

MAKE IT FUN … choosing a name should feel exciting, not stressful. play around with baby name websites, write out a list of cool surnames, or steal inspiration from your favorite books and movies. test out how it feels to hear someone call you by that name. imagine introducing yourself in your DR and see what clicks. and remember, you don’t need to justify your choice to anyone. if you want to call yourself “Starlight Moonbeam”, do it. If you want something subtle and low-key, that’s cool too. your DR name is yours

A FINAL WORD: YOUR NAME DOESN’T DEFINE YOU … here’s the bottom line: your name is just one thread in the tapestry of your DR self. it’s important, sure, but it’s not the whole story. whether you’re rocking a totally new identity or keeping it classic, what matters most is that you feel connected to the version of yourself you’re becoming aware of. so, pick a name that makes you smile and feels true to your vibe, but don’t sweat it too much—you’ve got bigger things to focus on, like actually becoming aware of your desired reality. and trust me, your DR self is going to be fucking cool no matter what name’s on your coffee cup

hope this helps avs! i have different surnames in all of my DRs based on the vibes, it’s such a fun part to me !! happy scripting & update me with what you pick :^) xoxo

[marzipanlvr]

i have a toxic trait i literally check every 30 min to see if the writers that i follow on tumblr have updated anything and if they do i eat it up every time.. IT'S GETTING OBSESSIVE YALL DONT EVEN..SECOND TOXIC TRAIT...now this one is ACTUALLY toxic..i spam as anon. IM SO SORRY i spam as different types of people but it's actually me because i have a lot of ideas and they have a lot of potential but im scared to say "hey everything is from me!" so i change my typings and wordings and act as different type of anons... call me phantom but pLEASE DONT HATE ON ME A GIRL IS DESPERATE PLEASE IM SORRY im not weird i swear..

btw here's a list of good writers i recommend bcoz im a team player and i will NOT gatekeep and hopefully if u read these writers u can be inspired to put urself out there hehe becoz the same thing happened to me!! i love people's minds YALL ARE TOO CREATIVE 3EWYDUSDHSB

@taelophone - absolute SWEETHEART, tae was my FIRST LUIGI FANFIC WRITER ON TUMBLR THAT I ACTUALLY LOVED AND THOUGHT ABOUT. OMG SO YES MAYBE I AM BIASED AND IF TAE ACCIDENTALLY ALLEGEDLY SETS A HOSPITAL ON FIRE THEN I WILL STAY BY HER SIDE AT ALL TIMES AND TAKE THE BLAME MYSELF AND GET THE DEATH PENALTY WITHOUT QUALMS !!, but in all seriousness tae's writing and how every word is completely tailored to humanize luigi is amazing. the way that i literally get sucked in a time warp whenever tae tries to put luigi's character into perspective. by the way, there was this one anon that typed a rlly long paragraph about how fanfiction is a great way to show light unto all the morals and lessons that luigi is trying to teach us and tae was so sweet about it. literally produced one of most educated response ive ever seen and even encouraged anon to keep sharing??!! like what. PLEASE. id die for tae ID LIVE FOR TAE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ID GIVE U MY LEFT LUNG RIGHT KIDNEY WTV U NEED

@mrsmangi - MRSMANGI IS THE REASON I STILL BREATHE OKAY. mrsmangi is the deny to my defend to my DEPOSE YALL DONT EVEN GET IT. did yall see the pinned post it's literally a link to signing the petition for luigi btw here's the link u guys should check it out

mrs mangi does a GREAT JOB on again, humanizing luigi!! i repeat the word humanizing so much because good writers don't worry about being agreed or disagreed with, good writers worry for the need to HAUNT. i mean this because a good piece of art or literature must impact you in ALL aspects of your life to the point that you think about it even in the little things and mrs mangi does ALL THATT not to mention the fact that the community in the blog is oh so sacred because of mrs mangi's direct hospitality and open-mindedness !! literally using an already existing platform to raise awareness and shed light. and the most popular fics Past Life and Found are just amazing pieces of art im so glad i clicked on it no bcoz WTF.?? WHAT INSTANCE MADE U THINK OF THESE MASTERPIECES? that's insane. you're insane. you're mind makes me go kaboom. I LOVE YOU

@mangionebabymama yall THIS BLOG is literally HEAVEN SENT. 1) the anons are soooo creative 2) mangionebabymama literally matches the anon's freak and ALWAYS GIVES BACK WHAT IS RECEIVED. now that is a TRUE diva. 3) yall seen the recent post? literally saying THANK YOU for being apart of this community ??? excuse me?? no maam THANK YOU for being apart of this community. mangionebabymama is INCREDIBLE. and PHENOMENAL. i would pay real money and give up a piece of my brain to know what's going on in mangionebabymama's head. STOP IT. IM SO OBSESSED WITH THIS SPECIFIC BLOG. MANGIONEBABYMAMA WAS A COMPLETE GAME CHANGER. there is so much CREATIVITY that bleeds out and so much love!! it's a safe haven for all us heathens and sisterwives to be ourselves, most importantly mangionebabymama really moves and inspires people on the DAILYY the writing is top tier, the headcannons or random thoughts are SERVINGGG YALLLL MANGIONEBABYMAMA PLEASE ADOPT ME. mangionebabymama was a late find of mine but oh so precious oh my goooooooodnesssssss !! im so lucky to even be apart of this community and discover the random thoughts or words that mangionebabymama wants to say. i want to say thank you and give a MASSIVE hug but i know that thank yous and massive hugs will never EVER EVER be able to justify how much freedom i feel when i go through that blog. I CANT. if i die soon then the cause of death will be "died thinking of mangionebabymama's sheer greatness." THANK YOUS CANT SURPASS WHAT I WANT TO SAY SO I HAVE TO SETTLE WITH I LOVE YOU. shshwduyshjbsjdk

that's it. :) anw love luigi breathe luigi free luigi!!

[chondrichthyes-x-mantodea]

It's kinda crazy to me how many people hate their mom, especially since fathers suck so much. Like, I don't think there's many cases where a father has done more than a mother even if she's not #1 mommy robot to everyone (and is obviously a valuable woman because of it!) Yet all you hear is "my ex-mother." It always has a poorly hidden scent of gender bias in it. The emphasis on mother, not the parent aspect of it. A lot of times, it seems the word "mother" is used as an insult by people against their moms, judging by the tone they use it in. Another trend I see with the "mommy issue" crowd is blaming their mothers for their fathers abuse. The constant "she allowed him to hurt me" as if women aren't often being hurt, too. Especially with step fathers. You all focus more on the mother than the stepfather, but change it to father and stepmother, and it's still on the women. And don't get me started on emotional labor. "I was emotionally neglected" and they only blame their mother.... girl.... you do realize your father should've been providing half of that labor right? And that's exactly why they get more angry at their mom. What men lack is pinned on women.

The mommy issues crowd also love to downplay people who have issues with their father. "Well, it's just not as serious. Mommy issues change your brain chemistry 😔🥀⚰️🖤"... like, is this a "✨️trauma✨️" off to millennials and chronically online gen z queers? It just tells me everything I need to know about average parental relationships and gender roles within them. Children hurt moms, and moms hurt children, but the father who throws the kindling into the fire sits back and enjoys the show. The father is the one who hasnt lifted a single FINGER in his life, or when he has its hurt even MORE than the petty things the mother has done.

I used to be in this position. You're told that your mom is the primary parent, so everything falls on her. But I think it takes a certain maturity and self-awareness. When you get to that in between age where you are approaching being thrown into the hellscape of modern heterosexuality, you start to humanize your mother again. Start to see the trap and how she fell into it. Start to see how no human can survive it without cracking at least a bit. It gets dark. You see how you fueled a situation that could very possibly resemble your future life. You see how you saw your mother as a robot. We are taught that she's supposed to be robotic. So when the mommy persona cannot be held up... shes defective. You see how your father was just an audience member. And some women don't wake up like that. The start of internalized misogyny, within all women, is with your mother. Frankly, I'm impressed women don't murder families more than men due to the dynamic, but lord, when they do, you don't hear the end of it. It all reminds me of why I'll never allow myself to be a mother. Youre either a good girl who gets pat on the head or an evil bitch who will rot in hell.

Last time I said something like this I was called a child abuser apologist so 🤷‍♀️ ig I'll embrace it. I dont think there's no such thing as an abusive mom, but that shit is so rare compared to dad's. But yall are absolute silence on that end.

And to add on, it's the attitude with how gender changes a parents role. People see mothers as someone who services, while fathers are someone to be proud of. Mommy loves me and daddy is cool and proud. Women are not cherished within the dynamic, we are just taken from. So, Imma be real, when I hear someone talk about how they cut their mother off because of this new wave of "parents (and by that we mean moms) have to be perfect and you have every right to cut them off!" I automatically assume it's some petty shit. Yall see moms as hivemind maids. Any little screw up means she's not your servant. Meanwhile ur dad could slam you into a wall and he's dad of the year haha you know how dad's are. MOMMY YOU HAVE TO BE MY EMOTIONLESS ROBOT WHILST ALSO PUTTING ON THE MOST RIDICULOUS EMOTIONAL PERSONA IN THE WORLD YOU REVOLVE MEEEEEEE 🥺

[guardian-of-time-if]

Guardian of Time FAQ

Hello readers! I've assembled this list of frequently asked questions which also includes some questions that don't get asked a lot but I still want to make clear.

Why is MC genderlocked/Will you consider making MC gender selectable?

I will not be making MC gender selectable. I know this is disappointing for a lot of people, but there are several reasons why I am set on this, so if playing a F!MC is a deal breaker, I hope you can find another game you enjoy. My reasons for genderlocking MC are a mix between technical, personal preference, and vision/plot/worldbuilding. Technically speaking, since this is my first game, I didn't want to make myself overwhelmed, so one of the ways I tried to limit the scope of the game is by keeping MC genderlocked. Preferencewise, I just wanted to write a story that was a female MC romancing men. In terms of plot and vision, I dont think the story would work with a gender selectable MC. Primarily because the emperor would never propose a marriage between MC and his son if MC was male as Nytheris doesn't have legal same sex marriage. While it may not seem like a big deal to take away the arranged marriage and have MC adopted outright or intergrated into the imperial family some other way, the coming chapters will have a lot of plot points that depend on the arranged marriage aspect. (And I couldn't just gender swap Lukyan because I'd also have to gender swap Tzesar and it would change a lot of the politics withing the imperial family.) I also wanted one of the themes of the story to be about angency, and have MC wrestle with how much control she really has over her own life. It's part of why the early chapters have a lot of other people making her deicisons for her. Due to how gendered Nytherian society is, I thought this theme was better explored with a female character. So those are my reasons, and I hope this is a good enough explaination of why I'm unwilling to budge on this.

2. Will you consider adding a female RO/making the RO's gender selectable?

The short answer is no. For the gender selectable issue in particular, I don't like gender selectable characters in IF, I know a lot of authors/readers prefer them, but I've always felt that characters with set genders are more fleshed out. I also don't want to deal with coding gender selectable characters. But this really comes down to, as I said above, I really wanted my first story to be a FMC with male RO's. I know that's not for everybody and I'm okay with that.

3. Do I have to romance anyone?

No, you don't. I'm still deciding how the nonromance route will look, but most likely when the other MC's get an RO scene, you'll get a friendhsip scene with Mercy instead.

4. What is your ask policy?

In gerneral, just be respectful. Thankfully, this hasn't really been a problem thus far. I do my best to answer every ask as soon as I can. Currently, my queue is set to release five asks a day and is backed up an entire week. The only things that I may refuse to answer are code diving questions or NSFW. If you have a question about the code, I'd prefer you DM me, there are a lot of details in the code, that I don't want to be public yet, and in some cases, it's organized in a way that will only make sense in my brain, and no one else's. Sometimes if something is vague enough, or I want to make sure it's clear, I will answer them, but in general, I probably won't. As for NSFW, my relationship with these is complicated. Mild/nonexplicit is probably okay, but nothing too detailed or explicit (such as asking about specific kinks). I know that's really vague, but in general, please just use your best judgement. If I find too many asks are crossing my boundaries, I'll switch to a blanket no NSFW policy, but so far you've all been very respectful, so I'm willing to take it ask by ask for now. If an NSFW question makes me too uncomfortable, I'll just delete it. As a side note, any NSWF content in the book will be fade to black. I'm just not comfortable writing smut.

5. Will we get to see Oren and Samira again?

All I'm willing to say on this is that you will get to see one of them again.

I reserve the right to update as nessecary. (If there's any question you all think you be added to the FAQ please let me know. These are just the only questions I can think of being asked frequently.)

P.S. I am going to start working on some RO profiles, and once they are done I'll link them here, and in the intro post.

[creatrixanimi]

I have a question about the Teen!Ingo disappears AU. How does he return home, if at all? I would he would, considering the Battle Subway, but im also curious how this changes the narrative for all of that! It’s a fun idea to play with.

Thanks for asking!! Its always fun to try and has my floaty ideas out with asks like this!! As of right now, the only thing ive really set in stone is that at the very least Ingo will have to be there for an extended period of time considering everyone ive depicted in hisui is about 15-20 years younger than they would be in canon. Or at least depending on headcanon. But I personally dont see Gaeric being anything younger than 35 in PLA... And that leads me to the unfortunate reality in this AU that there really is no way around Ingo missing out on at the very least, the initial and canon years battle subway unless i REALLY fudge the BW timeline :( that one was a BIG sacrifice to make in this AU and It really does make me sad since its such a massive aspect of Ingo's identity but there isnt really a way around it. When i made that original comic, i didnt really think about it further than wanting to play with the nimbasa trio fighting with some tragedy sprinkled on top and continuing it has made his career a casualty of the premise. Concerning Ingo's fate in this au i think im leaning more towards him staying in hisui? I know that that might put some people off of the au in general because its so tragic, but its always been the scenario i've preferred for canon so i guess i'll go with that here? Theres a lot to do with his family's grief and healing process that i feel is somewhat cheapened by him magically getting to go home after everyone has already accepted his loss. I have read MANY a reunion fic and I really do like them, but i have little desire to delve into one myself unless i have an especially unique idea that i would want to play with. One concern i do have with this au is it being too grimdark with not enough highs to balance it out, especially on his family's end of things. I am open to hearing suggestions or ideas tho because really when it gets boiled down to its essence, this au is basically just canon but with the timeline for the twins rolled back several years. Everything else would more or less be canon-compliant aside from delving further into emmet's (and elesa and drayden's) grief. And exploring the hisui natives' adolescence/childhoods. But I do have to say that nothing is set in stone and everything is subject to change (if i get that far) so dont take this rambling as an outline of the AU, Im just kinda thinking about what I might want to do haha.