#like. an hour. i'm going to go read a bit and probably journal some too

[mypoisonedvine]

now here’s a thought: jonathan crane being seduced by one of his patients

I WAS SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT THIS LIKE A JOKER/HARLEY QUINN MOMENT!! aaaand that's how it turned into basically a whole ass oneshot, oops

hook, line, and sinker - 1.6k words

warnings: manipulation, sexual themes/groping (18+ only please), fluff but with a dark-ish twist

"Sometimes I think you're the only one who understands me," you admitted shyly, biting your lip and looking down at the tile floor beneath you.

He leaned in a little closer, resting his arms on the table between you. "You know," he replied, his voice softer than you'd ever heard it though not quite a whisper yet, "sometimes I feel the same way."

You smiled as you looked up at him again, finding a new brightness in his eyes. "Really?" you beamed.

"Yeah," he agreed, laughing, "I really enjoy our little talks. I mean, sometimes I can't believe I'm getting paid to see you."

Giggling a little, you remembered the first time he let his guard down with you, just a bit; for weeks he'd easily dodged any personal questions, clearly knowing it was a slippery slope to countertransference and an inappropriate relationship. Unfortunately for him and everyone who had insisted that Arkham was the only facility you'd never be able to escape from, you knew from the beginning that you could use him.

You could smell it on him: that deep, overwhelming loneliness. You were far too familiar with it yourself to miss it in someone else. Sure, he kept it hidden under layer after layer of intelligence, professionalism, faked normalcy-- but it was there, and it was calling out for someone else to truly see him. You saw him from the second he walked in that armored door, back when they still kept you in the jacket; now, months later, you'd convinced him you weren't a threat and that he was the one in control of these sessions.

The other facilities, with their inspiration murals and their bean bag chairs, they were a breeze to break out of. You knew that Arkham Supermax was going to be an entirely new challenge, but you'd been preparing since the beginning. Each week with Dr. Crane, you got him to be a little naughtier for you-- first it was as simple as convincing him to let your sessions go long, leaving everyone else waiting as you poured your soul out for an extra half hour. Convincing him that you needed him, that only he could help you. Then it was the praise-- you're changing my life, I've had so many shrinks and you're the first that really listened, you're so incredible-- all that shit he'd probably been craving since his daddy didn't hug him enough or something.

Once you'd given him some compliments, he returned one to you: you made up some sob story about your low self-esteem just to get him to admit that you were attractive, and you took the compliment with a coy little thank you, Dr. Crane... that's high praise coming from you.

Then it was contraband, just little stuff. He snagged you an extra serving of dessert on your birthday; he brought you a copy of your favorite book, as a reward for increasingly good behavior. Sometimes you thought about just asking him straight-up for a metal file or few paperclips, but that would be risky-- you could throw away all your work if you jumped the gun too soon.

Then there was the journal... you knew, no matter how much he swore he wouldn't, that he was going to read that fucking journal. You couldn't be sure if that was always the plan, or if it was just a temptation he would eventually surrender to, but you wrote all these fucked up little fantasies in that journal and imagined how he'd have to loosen his tie when he read them.

Back in January: Dr. Crane keeps asking about my nightmares, I couldn't possibly admit that I've started having sexual dreams about him...

And then there was the entry from March: I didn't mean to upset him yesterday but he snapped at me when I was talking about my anger-- he said I wasn't taking accountability-- and when he got stern with me I felt myself getting wet, is that bad?

And the best one yet, just a few days ago: Dear diary, I swore I wouldn't tell anyone what he told me, so I won't even tell you-- but I'll just say that when Jonathan showed me his mask, I fell totally in love with him. People are always hiding who they really are, but he knows me, and now I know him, too. I know I should feel guilty, but I don't. I know we're meant for each other.

Your heart was racing as you realized it might all pay off tonight. Listening to his rambling rants about fear and society and humanity, journaling about your 'crush' like a schoolgirl, making doe-eyes at him during sessions-- it was all about to happen, you had him in your pocket.

"Sometimes, I..." he began again, looking down at your hands shackled to the table, "I think about seeing you more. When I'm not even here, I mean..."

You pretended to be surprised by that. "Really? I mean... do you think about just talking to me, or...?"

He smiled a little, his face turning a bit pinker. "Do you think about us doing more than just talking?" he turned the question on you instead.

"Doctor, I--"

"Jonathan."

You had to fight off a smirk; you reached forward across the table, jingling the chains that held you down, but they were just long enough to reach to his hands. You gently brushed your fingers over his, hearing him sigh as he opened his hand for you to place your hand in. You ran your middle finger delicately in a line along his palm, and he shuddered a bit. Hook, line, and sinker. "Jonathan," you started again in a low purr, "I think about so much more than talking."

"Do you ever think about... about if we could be together...?" he pressed, closing his grip to hold your hand. After this long of a seduction, you couldn't deny that touching him in such an innocuous way was getting you a little hot. Just because you were manipulating him didn't mean you were completely faking an attraction, he was sexy-- and gullible. You liked that in a man.

Trying to look conflicted, you glanced away. "I try not to imagine that," you explained, "it's... it's not possible, with me in here. I'm fine with this, if this is all I can get-- seeing you three times a week for our sessions, telling you things I never thought I'd tell anyone. I can be okay with that. Just knowing you feel even a fraction of what I do is like-- it's like-- I don't even know how to describe it. It's amazing."

Leaning in even more, he reached up and held your face-- tenderly, reverently-- and you shut your eyes as you leaned into his touch. "I wish I was as unselfish as you," he replied, "but I need more-- I need to really be with you."

You brought your hand up to hold his, jerking the chain a bit. "I need-- I need you, too," you mumbled. "Please, Jonathan," you begged in a whisper as you opened your eyes to meet his wanting gaze, "I wanna be yours."

He sat up and leaned over the table in a split second, kissing you hard; you had to tilt your head back to accommodate the height difference as you were still sitting, and it made it even easier for him to hold your head like they used to in those old Hollywood movies-- the ones they showed here on Thursday nights, but you weren't allowed to go because you 'didn't integrate well with the general population' or whatever.

As he kissed you, hungry but relatively reserved, it was you that took it further: carefully running your tongue over his lips, opening your mouth for him to claim, having to hold back a grin when he moaned softly against you. "Touch me," you begged him in a rare moment of reprieve from the kiss, "please-- I've wanted you to for so long--"

He groaned a little as his hand slid down to your chest, opening one button of your uniform jumpsuit; he kissed your neck as he dipped his hand inside, groping your chest underneath the fabric. Your hips naturally rocked forward in the metal chair, your deprived body desperate to be filled after almost a year of forced celibacy in this prison. "Fuck," he mumbled against your skin, tweaking a nipple between his fingers, "you know we can't-- not here--"

"I know," you purred, only barely able to reach his shoulder with your hands chained-- otherwise you'd be running your fingers through his hair, holding on to his neck, pulling him closer. "But I need you-- I don't think I've ever needed anything this much..."

He shook his head; "Me either," he admitted.

"I need to feel you inside me."

He growled, grip tightening on your breast, and you smiled proudly. "I can't just leave you here," he realized, like it was his idea. "We need to be together-- outside of this place."

"I'll go anywhere with you," you promised him.

Pulling back and looking into your eyes, he brought both his hands to your face, brushing your hair aside quickly. "If I do this for you... you have to promise me. You have to be mine."

"Can you really do that?" you wondered. "Get me out?"

"I'll find a way," he assured, "I'll do anything."

You smiled up at his determined expression, flashing your best big-wet-needy eyes at him. "Jonathan," you cooed, "I'm already yours."

[roosterforme]

Adult Education Part 3 | Hangman x OC

Summary: Jake visits Jessica during her office hours again, and he's left wanting her even more than before. But when he hears that there may be more to her than meets the eye, he has to decide if his feelings are worth the potential risk.

Warnings: Fluff, angst, swearing

Length: 3500 words

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Female OC

This story is part of the Beer Boy and Sugar universe but can be read on its own! Adult Education masterlist

Seriously, who let Jake on my masterlist!? Banner by @mak-32

"What are you doing?"

Jake glanced up from the scientific journal which was open on the cafeteria table next to his tray of lunch. 

"What does it look like I'm doing, Bradshaw? I'm reading."

"You're reading?"

"Yeah," Jake replied, smoothing out the glossy page as he rolled his eyes. "I know you were in a fraternity and all, but I still assumed you knew what reading was."

Bradley set his tray down on the opposite side of the table. "Joke's on you. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA."

Jake just snorted as he read the caption under the photo of an F/A-18 that had been taken on the deck of the USS Harry S. Truman. "And I had a perfect 4.0."

"Damn," Bradley remarked before biting into his sandwich. 

"Yeah, I liked school," Jake muttered, turning the journal page. "I still like school."

"Is this because of my wife's coworker? Professor Reed?"

Jake met his eyes before looking back down at the notebook he'd been scribbling some questions in. It was only Wednesday. Jessica didn't have office hours until tomorrow. He was nearly finished reading the stack of journals she gave him from cover to cover, and he actually did have some questions for her. Real questions about what he read, not just whether or not he could get her phone number yet. 

"Maybe," Jake replied cautiously. He had already looked up the cost of taking one of her night classes, but he wasn't about to admit to that. "I just like how smart she is. She wrote her thesis on military aircraft propulsion."

Bradley just laughed. "This has nothing to do with how she looks? Sugar told me she's hot."

Jake bristled a bit. "She is hot." He thought back to her mini lecture and how she seemed to be the only physics professor at the school who actually knew how to teach. Then he remembered how cute she was at Chippy's, talking about her subject of study with bright eyes and a smile. 

"Yeah," Bradley said, breaking into his thoughts. "I know how you operate. Each one is hotter than the last."

Jake closed the journal and set the notebook on top of it. "Doesn't matter. She still didn't give me her number. Probably thinks I'm ridiculous." He excused himself with his tray and the journals. 

And by Thursday evening, Jake thought he was pretty ridiculous, too. What was he doing here? He was really going back to her office hours with his notes on the articles like some pathetic puppy? Like he was actually a student with an assignment to turn in? But even though she didn't give him her number, she had invited him back when she wrote her office hours down. 

When Jake started up his truck, he had every intention of turning right at the gatehouse and heading home. But he turned left toward the bay bridge instead.

--------------------------

"Dr. Reed. I need help. These problems are hard."

The actual audacity that these students had was just impressive. They came to her office hours and whined about how hard the coursework was. And they did it all the time. 

"Physics is hard, Luca," Jessica replied, loosening her grip on her pencil so she didn't snap another one. "But it would be a lot easier if you attended all my lectures."

"Aww, come on, Dr. Reed," he moaned, sliding his notebook a little closer. "I had to go surfing on Tuesday. Hey, you should come next time. I'll give you lessons if you bump my grade up just a little bit."

"Luca."

"I was kidding," he mumbled, collecting his notebook and the packet of extra practice problems she had given him to work on. "See you next week."

"Bye, Luca," she replied, opening her office door for him. And then her heart started pounding as her eyes caught on the man who was leaning against the hallway wall opposite her door.

"Bye, Professor," Luca said before he set his skateboard down and pushed off with one foot. But Jessica was too distracted by Jake Seresin to remind Luca for the hundredth time that he wasn't allowed to skate in the academic buildings. 

"Reedy," Jake said softly with a tentative smile. She was honestly shocked he was here on campus again. For the third time this week. Apparently he took her note about office hours seriously.

"Jake. I'm surprised to see you here."

He just shook his head slightly and said, "You really shouldn't be."

Her blood felt too hot in her veins as he pushed away from the wall. He was all chiseled jaw, green eyes and immaculate hair, and she was once again left wondering what the catch was. The khaki uniform was back, just like Monday night, and she wondered once again if he came here straight from work instead of stopping home. 

"I'm here for your office hours," he added, taking a step closer to her. He was big and strong and a lot taller than her. And the way she just knew Jake would let her run her fingers along his pins just like she'd done with his patches was making her ears feel warm and fuzzy.

Well, this was embarrassing. She hadn't been gone for a guy this bad in over a year. Not since Brian Conley. But she couldn't even focus on anything else right now, because she was devoting all of her energy to trying to say something intelligent to Jake. Where were all of her quips and clever remarks? She must have left them at Chippy's on Monday night, because she hadn't heard from them since. 

"Come on in," she told him, and she left the note on the small whiteboard in the hallway letting anyone else who might show up know that her office was occupied. "What can I do for you?" 

She didn't mean for that sentence to sound so suggestive, but she noted the pink flush on Jake's cheeks as she closed her door and leaned back against it. He was close but not too close, and his eyes drifted down over her uninspired pantsuit in such an appreciative way that it made her feel like she was wearing a pretty cocktail dress. Or maybe even less than that. 

"You could give me your phone number." 

She smirked at his statement and at the soft Texas drawl. She went to A&M for four years. She could tell he was a homegrown Texas boy who had somehow ended up transplanted in southern California. Maybe a little out of his element, just like her. Maybe trying to forget and move on, just like her.

When her eyes drifted to what he was holding, she asked, "Did you read the article? In Propulsion Science?"

He glanced down at the stack of journals and the notebook in his big hand, and said, "I read them all. Cover to cover. I have some notes and a few questions."

When he glanced back up and met her eyes, she cocked her head to one side. "Seriously? You read all of them?"

"Yes," he replied immediately. 

She walked past him, letting her fingers brush the back of his hand longingly. When she took her seat, he was leaning on the opposite side of her desk with both hands and looking down at her. He already asked for her phone number. Twice. It was a bold move, playing hard to get with a man as handsome as Jake. But the steady rise and fall of his chest and his softly parted lips while he gave her his full attention was addicting. 

"Take a seat," she said softly. "Show me what you have."

He groaned quietly and pulled the other chair a bit closer, and Jessica soon found herself a little warm again. While he wasn't a PhD candidate, his notes on the journal articles were thoughtful and his questions were insightful.

"This journal of physical chemistry had the most interesting article on engine mechanics, but I must admit, I was a bit lost when they talked about the implementation of fuel combustion calculations," he said, holding out his notebook for her to take. "What's your opinion, Dr. Jessica?" 

This was clearly a man who gave great consideration to his aircraft and what he did all day at work. And that was hot. He was smart, and he thought she was smart. And he wasn't afraid to acknowledge either of those things. 

When she slowly stood, she could practically feel his eyes on her body. "It's my opinion that you should read this accompanying article." She turned toward her bookshelf and couldn't help but glance back at him over her shoulder. His gaze met hers right away, and she stumbled a bit in her high heels. She had to steady herself before she reached up to the top shelf on her tiptoes. 

"Allow me," Jake said, and the soft scrape of his chair on the floor was followed by his warm body just inches behind hers. "Which one is it?"

She thought about sliding out of his way. She considered that he'd have an easier time reaching the correct journal if she wasn't also standing in front of the shelf, but she didn't move an inch. "One with a blue spine," she whispered as he reached up past her head and ran his fingers along the journals.

"One of these ones?" he asked, moving his fingers very slowly along the spines from left to right. 

"Mmhmm," she hummed as his chest pressed against the back of her shoulder. He grabbed several journals with blue spines and gently took them down from the shelf and placed them in her hands. His voice was right there next to her ear. 

"There you go, Reedy." 

His big hand brushed her waist before he stepped away from her, and she turned to face him, ready to throw the journals across the room in favor of pulling him closer again. "But they're for you," she said, sounding a little bit out of breath. 

Jake was rubbing the back of his neck now, cheeks flushed as he reached out to take them back. "Right." His voice was rough, and Jessica plopped back down into her seat with very little grace. 

She cleared her throat twice before saying, "The one on the top of the stack has a great accompanying article that you should read. And if you really want to know about the calculations, I can show you sometime."

"I'll read all of them," he replied, eyes soft on her face as she awkwardly adjusted her glasses with the backs of her fingers. 

"I do appreciate a man who reads in his spare time," she whispered. It looked like Jake was ready to jump out of the chair again, and she kind of wished he would. Because she was currently thinking about crawling across the desk and onto his lap, and letting herself touch all of his pins while she tasted his lips. 

She jumped in her chair when there was a sharp knock on the door, and suddenly Jake looked even more flustered. "Come in!" she called out, but she couldn't seem to take her eyes off Jake. 

"Dr. Reed,'' came a gratingly annoying voice from her doorway. It was Dr. Leeland, and he was looking between Jessica and Jake like something deviously untoward was going on in here. But that's what everything thought about her, she supposed. 

"Dr. Leeland, how can I help?" she asked, smiling apologetically at Jake who was now rising out of his seat. Leeland was looking at him like he was trying to place who he was, and Jessica had to hide her smile. She kind of hoped he didn't recognize the man who called him out on his incorrect math during the mini lecture. 

"Need help with my printer," he growled, and Jessica was on her feet now, walking around her desk. 

"Sure," she replied as smoothly as she could with Jake standing right next to her. "I'll be right there."

She watched Leeland shuffle back out into the hallway before she looked up at Jake. "Damn," he whispered. "I thought maybe I'd be able to talk you into another three dollar beer and some peanuts."

She bit her lip and said, "He'll have me in there for at least an hour helping him, guaranteed. So maybe another time?"

"I'll be thinking about it all weekend, Jessica."

Then she reached up and ran her index finger along his name tag, tracing S E R E S I N before tapping his lieutenant insignia gently. And he just let her do it with the softest look in his eyes. 

"Yeah. Me too."

---------------------------

On Saturday night at the Hard Deck, Jake was happy to see that Bradshaw and his wife were both there. He knew what kind of beer she liked, so he flagged down Penny at the bar and ordered one along with his own glass of bourbon. Then he sipped his drink as he walked over to her. 

Jake smirked, because she never looked quite happy to see him, but she did accept the beer when he handed it to her. "Thanks," she told him, "but you're not usually this nice to me. What's up?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I'm.... nice."

She chuckled as Rooster walked back over to her after Nat kicked his ass at pool. "You're alright, Jake, but I'm not stupid. I know what you want."

"Sugar," Rooster whined. "You got another beer but didn't grab me one, too?"

"Jake got it for me," she said, pulling the bottle further away when he reached for it. "It's a bribe, but I want to hear him admit it."

She looked at Jake again with a knowing smile, and when she pressed the bottle to her lips, he said, "Fine. It's a bribe. I want you to tell me everything you know about Jessica Reed."

Bradley rolled his eyes and kissed her cheek. "I'll be with Nat."

"So?" Jake said when they were alone again. "Will you tell me? Because that woman is driving me insane, and she won't even give me her phone number."

"Yikes. You can usually seal the deal right away," she said, glancing around the always crowded bar. "I can count like four women here who you've hooked up with."

Jake sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before he downed the rest of his bourbon. "Please?" he asked calmly.

She was quiet as she sipped her beer. "I actually don't know her very well," she said a little cautiously. "I eat lunch with her occasionally, because everyone else seems to avoid her. Especially everyone who works in the science departments."

This was puzzling to Jake. Jessica was the most interesting woman he'd met in a long time. She was even nice to Dr. Leeland when he asked her for help. He honestly couldn't imagine anyone wanting to avoid her on purpose. "You sure she's not just a bit of a loner by nature or something?"

But she just shrugged. "Come on, Sugar," Jake begged, using the name Rooster called her. "Be sweet, and just tell me what her deal is."

She laughed and said, "I like her just fine. I have no problem with her. But whether or not there is any truth behind them, Jessica is the subject of a lot of rumors."

"Rumors?" Jake's mind was immediately swirling. Jessica with her glasses and her high heels and nerdy journals and soft smiles. "What do you mean?"

"I try not to get involved, so I don't know too much. But something definitely went down between her and the head of the chemistry department. And I heard one of the other physics professors call her a slut behind her back."

Jake's grip tightened so hard and so fast on his empty glass, he was convinced he was going to break it. "She's fucking sweet," he growled. "And a damn better teacher than anyone else in her department. And nobody should be calling anyone a slut in a professional setting."

"I don't disagree with you," she said quickly. gently touching his hand. "But you asked. So I told you."

Jake nodded and said, "You're right. I asked. Thank you."

"Sure, Jake," she said softly, turning toward her husband. "And thanks for the beer."

He watched her walk into Rooster's welcome arms. He held her with a laugh while he juggled a pool cue, and Jake felt a pang of jealousy. He never used to mind being the one who was always single, but even he could admit that it would be nice to be around someone who was smart and funny and kind. And have them want to be around you.

By late Sunday morning, Jake decided he didn't actually care about any rumors where Jessica was concerned. He liked her. He could tell she liked him. He kept replaying the way her face looked as she traced his patches and pins with her gentle fingers. 

He couldn't tell if she was playing coy or toying with him, but he would stand there all day long in her office and let her do anything she wanted to him as long as she was looking up at him with that outwardly needy expression. And he wanted to touch her back, run his hands along her hips and pull her close, but he still didn't even have her number. 

But he did still have her San Diego State faculty profile open in his phone browser, and his thumb was hovering over her email address.

----------------------------

Jessica knew Monday morning was going to be a struggle. They always were. After a weekend of going out with friends and taking a luxurious Sunday afternoon nap, facing Brian for the weekly faculty meeting was going to be hell. But she got dressed, fixed her hair and put her glasses on. She made sure she was on time. She made sure there was nothing for anyone to complain about when it came to her. 

And just like always, she was sitting off toward the back of the small auditorium alone, sipping some coffee and counting down the minutes until the clock hit 9:00 and she could go up to her office. 

"Now, for those of you who are not on a tenure track yet," Brain Conley said, turning to glance at her, "make sure you pay close attention."

He was such an ass. Just such a handsome looking fucking asshole. Everyone knew that Dr. Nguyen and Jessica were the only two that statement applied to, and this was his first year out of grad school. He was like twenty four. But Jessica looked down the row of seats and smiled at Dr. Nguyen who smiled back while he blushed. And then she listened to Brian drone on and on about excellence in education and involvement on campus. 

By the time she made it up to her office, her coffee had soured in her stomach, and she felt like crying. But she had an hour to pull herself together before she had to teach Physics 103 to a bunch of lazy sophomores. While her computer started up, she opened the newest journal that had been delivered to her mailbox on campus and smiled. Maybe there was something in here that Jake would be interested in. Not that she really expected him to keep stopping by. He would lose interest.

She skimmed the journal index, checking out the article topics as she logged into her school email account. And the newest email right up at the top was from jake.seresin. She pushed the journal aside and squealed as she opened it up, shocked that he had found a way to contact her again.

Dear Dr. Reed,

Thank you again for your excellent journal suggestions. I've read them all cover to cover, and I'm a little nervous to tell you that I think I've become a bit addicted to the subject matter. I find it fascinating to learn more about military aircrafts in general, but visiting your office hours has really piqued my interest in many other things as well. 

I hope you don't mind that I plan on returning on Tuesday night. This time I'd like to try my hand at solving some of the physics equations with you. I'll bring a sharp pencil, but I'll probably skip the skateboard. You didn't seem too keen on that one, and I just find myself wanting you to be impressed by me.

Also, Jessica, this would be a lot easier over text, but I'll play along. For now. Looking forward to your office hours (and hopefully you are, too?).

Jake

P.S.- You should have seen how long it took me to actually type up this email. Your SDSU faculty photo has been continually distracting me for days, and I think I looked at it so long that my email timed out.

She screamed in delight. Jessica clapped her hands over her mouth, pushing her chair back from her desk, kicking her feet. She stared at the screen for a few seconds before she decided how she wanted to respond, and then she just went for it.

----------------------------

Dr. Jessica, we would all be kicking out feet, too! More than meets the eye with Jessica... Thanks to @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 4

@blahehblah

@sotalife

@desert-fern

@furiouspiespytaco

@rosiahills22

@daggerspare-standingby

@je-suis-prest-rachel

@callsign-joyride

@theharddeck

@captain-beskar

@withakindheartx

@roosterscockpit

@whatislovevavy

@rosesreekofoccasion

@hangmanbrainrot

@neferpatra

@sehnsuchts-trunken

@child-of-thedevil

@thedroneranger

@cherrycola27

@mygyn

@hoyaharper

@tallyovie

@gennyanydots

@callsign-magnolia

@whisperofsong

@seriouslyseresin

@double-j

@bradshawsbitch

@sugarcoated-lame

@katiebby04

@anotherr-fine-mess

@supernaturaldawning

@chassy21

@strrywmen

@tylerjones98

@captainjaspenor

@gigisimsonmars

@fanboyswhore9

@angel-w0nderland

@abaker74

@idontcare-11

@isaebellaa

@bringnattolife

@xoxabs88xox

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

THE HUNDRED LINE: LAST DEFENSE ACADEMY - Journal #1: Route 0 Days 1-18. [MASSIVE SPOILERS]

//So as I said before, even though it's not really Dangan-related, I'm going to be slowly dropping my summary of the events I experience in Hundred Line as I play through it. I don't know if I'm going to do a full 100 days for each of the 100 routes because that would be fucking crazy tbh, but...I figured I could at leats indulge you guys on my experience this way, since I'm unable to stream it.

//In case I didn't make it clear before, this game is straight fire. It's got a really awesome story on top of what is actually surprisingly fun and fascinating gameplay. As I said above, this part of the journal goes up to Day 18, and the battles that happen during that period became way more anime than they probably should have.

//This isn't just a cut and dry tactics game. There's this uniqueness to it that makes the gameplay loop great. That's not to say the game and story isn't without flaws, but we'll cover that.

//All of this will obviously be under the cut, because in case it wasn't obvious, let me make one big warning here.

DO NOT READ THE REST OF THIS POST IF YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED/SEEN THE HUNDRED LINE: LAST DEFENSE ACADEMY. I WILL BE TALKING ABOUT VERY SPECIFIC PLOT POINTS AND MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE GAME.

//Without further ado...let's get into it.

DAY 1-7:

//Okay, so to be fair, I actually kind of lied about starting on Day 1. I livestreamed myself playing the free demo that covers the first 7 days of the game. If you want to see my reaction to that, you can check out the streams, or just play it yourself.

//I did go back through the demo segment in the full game though just so I was refreshed on the story. To make a few quick points about it though, the kinky group sex line is still hilarious, and the transformation sequences are still raw and as of today, I haven't skipped a single one.

//Also, I started watching NicoB play

//The only major difference this time is that I didn't struggle as much in the invader boss fight because I had a better idea of what I was doing.

DAY 8:

//Okay, so this is where the demo ends and the full game begins, but it doesn't start off full swing or anything. Essentially, it's become clear to me now that Sirei isn't coming back, at least not any time soon. Which is honestly kind of a bummer, because I did really start liking his mojo and the character himself has great dialogue. It kind of peeves me that he's around for only two days, and then vanishes without a trace, presumably dead.

//Still, I can't be too pissed about it because chances are there's an alternate route where he gets to survive for a bit longer. We'll have to see.

//Anyway, in Sire's absense, Hiruko became the leader, which I pretty much expected, but it also planted some ill feelings in me that ended up coming true later down the line, but more on that in a bit.

//Other than that, I spent my time hanging out with Eito, who spent hours telling me the history of scythe's.

DAY 9

//Day 9 starts off with you going down to the cafeteria to find that only the fighting group (Takumi, Takemaru, Hiruko, Darumi, and Eito) are in the cafeteria, because apparently Hiruko put the non-fighters under house arrest, and banned them from certain places in the school if they continue to not fight.

//I know that Hiruko said she'd make them regret it, but this wasn't really what I was expecting. Though to be honest, I don't know what I was expecting.

//Hung out with Darumi some more.

DAY 10

//One little gag that I came to like is that sometimes, even though the messages are mostly the same, when Sirei appears on the screen with his prerecorded messages, on certain days he'll be doing something different than sitting there. Like this time around, he has a suit on. And it's funny because you get a kick out of him seeing doing something a little different from the normal message.

//Also, as a milestone celebration, we gained access to two more rooms in the school; the Rec Room and the Leisure Lounge.

//There was a bit of a funny moment where Takemaru said something like "Hiruko's kinda hot, shame she's so evil," which made me laugh.

//Also, Takumi when he first sees the Rec Room says "I can imagine a high-class school having a rec room like this!"

//This is what the rec room looks like. Motherfucker, this is a whole ass arcade. There is not a school in the world that has something like this.

//Also, with the rec room open, we now have access to gifts which we can give to our classmates, which I was really hoping they wouldn't do, because giving gifts to people in Danganronpa is already enough of a drag, and in this game, it's worse, because not only does it cost money, but you have to actively go out and get the materials for the items in order to make them.

//Fortunately, there's no gacha system to it, and they're not NECESSARY, just that if you give them to your classmates, the stat buffs that you ordinarily get with them get increased.

//But still, if you want to get stronger quickly, there's a lot of grinding here. Kinda makes it harder to decide what to do with your time, and suddenly 100 days doesn't feel like enough.

//The Rec Room is where most of the gameplay happens though, whilst the Leisure Lounge is...kind of just for that. Leisure. There's effectively no reason to go there, so I can only assume we have story-related scenes that happen there later on. Maybe a pool party? That would be fun.

//But like I said, you need materials to get the machine, so spent my day scouting. It also gave me a chance to learn how Eito works in combat. From what I can tell, his attacks work a little similarly to Takumi's, but while Takumi hits 5 squares in front of him, Eito only hits 3. Eito does seem to have more damage potential though, not just because he has a higher default damage, but because his ability gives him random buffs every time he takes an action.

//Speaking of random, I fucking hate some of the exploration segments.

//I get that there's probably a guide, especially since there seems to be a very limited number of events, but I swear to god, some of the outcomes that should seem like the right call end in the absolute dumbest ways, like I'm pursuing Wonder of U and got hit with a calamity.

//The good news is the new spaces that are designed to help create gifts at least gives me more of an incentive to go out on explanations for reasons other than just aimlessly wandering around hoping I get some cool gear while random flying objects keep hitting me or I cut myself on a blade of grass.

DAY 11

//Today started with Darumi asking me if I wanted to die.

//Great start.

//One thing I discovered leading up to this game is that apparently, Darumi's English Voice Actor, Sarah Pritard, hasn't had a single credited role before this game, which is shocking, because she's REALLY good.

//Also, I didn't quite realize this until someone pointed it out to me, but one cool thing I didn't know is that Minh Ton, Hiruko's Voice Actor, is apparently a voice actor, or at least WAS one, in Danganronpa F: Shattered Hope, as Scarlet.

//This gal vvv

//Speaking of voice lines, I don't know if I'm the first person to point it out, but there's one voice line of Takumi's where he just screams "HEY!" and they OVERUSE the FUCK out of this line. Even in really calm situations, they're just randomly broken up by really calm curious dialogue and sound bytes, and then Takumi just goes "HEY!"

//Anyway, despite the silly beginning, there's immediately a lot of tension even before you get down to the cafeteria with everyone, because everyone who hasn't been fighting looks really depressed and defeated, and it gets worse because Hiruko promptly announces that if the people who have abstained don't get their act together, she's going to kick them out of the school and leave them in the wild to die.

//Hiruko is such an interesting character, because this is the first time in one of these games that we've seen one of the students be more outwardly sadistic than the actual Mastermind mascot character (besides the Masterminds themselves obviously, but even then, we only see Junko for two trials). While there were definitely some monsters among DR's cast, Sirei himself, while a douchebag and a pervert, was actually pretty nice and lenient and willing to compromise for the students if it meant giving them an incentive to get onto the battlefield.

//Not Hiruko. And the crazy part is that her methods, which are easily on the same level as Monokuma's motives, are far more effective. Or at least, they would be, but even the prospect of being kicked out and left to die out in the wild isn't enough to get the others to step up.

//I might as well say it now, but the part of the story that I cover in this post revolves largely around Tsubasa and Gaku, so a lot of this is talking about them as characters. And the good news is that it definitely succeeded in getting me to feel for both of them.

//Gaku especially is in the same vein of character as the likes of Yasuhiro and Kazuichi. And if you know me, Yasuhiro is my least favourite character in the main DR series, and to be honest, as time has gone on, I've grown to like Kazuichi less and less. Like, he's fine in Survivor, but writing ReCaptured has really made me realize that he's kind of a piece of shit.

//Unlike them, I actually feel for Gaku, and I think his spite and self-centeredness is actually kind of righteous, but we'll get to that. Either way, he complains about his life, but this time, it actually made me feel for him.

//But Tsubasa on top of that, and the way she reacted to Hiruko's ultimatum, makes me realize that there's a level of suicidal depression in this girl, because she knows that she'll probably die out there, but is willing to resign herself to that cruel fate if it means she doesn't have to fight the invaders.

//Which is really deep and sad...until you find out immediately after that her reason for not wanting to fight is because she's embarrassed that she'll throw up.

//Feels like a really unserious reason behind such a serious drive to not want to fight. Granted, there is more to it than that, but still, starting with that makes it a little...eh...

//Whatever, I've seen worse.

//That's pretty much the end of this day, but one last thing I want to mention is this is where I started to really realize that Takumi is a dork on the same level that Hajime was. While I was in the entry hall, I casually interacted with the fire extinguishers used to exit the academy, and one of Takumi's lines when he interacts with it is "Not even these fire extinguishers can put out the flames in my heart!" or some bullshit.

//Which got a laugh out of me.

DAY 12

//So for the rest of this review, the mission at hand largely involves trying to convince the abstainers to actually get on the battlefield, because Hiruko gives the fighters 5 days to convince the others before she makes her move. To begin with, Takumi works with Eito to find a workaround to Tsubasa's puke problem.

//The plan is to make her this cute reusable sick bag, but we had to go out of the academy to get the pouch we needed, and I was kind of expecting more to happen when we went out, but not much did. We kind of just grabbed it and got back.

//You know, AFTER Eito and Takumi took 10 points of damage from the rain >:(

//Unfortunately, while they gave me it for free this time, I returned to make the sick bag using the item machine, only to find out that making items costs the same time that you normally spend each day hanging out with people, or going on missions, which I think is bullshit. That's kind of like your entire day of Free Time in Danganronpa being spent because you went to get gifts from the MonoMono Machine. It's crap.

//This is also where we got a new minigame where you have to listen to the characters and interject at the right time with the right response, and I'll give it credit, it's weird and cringey at times, but it's also hard. Fortunately, there's no massive penalties for failing it, just that it's kind of time consuming.

//And also, while Gaku's upcoming one was fine, if I had a pence for every time the word puke was said, I'd be able to buy a whole candy bar. Kind of made me think I myself might hurl.

//There was one standout moment during it where the correct response to Tsubasa saying "people will make fun of me if I puke," is for Takumi to say "Don't worry! I'll puke too! So we both get made fun of."

//And then he like, gives her this absolute dead serious stare while she herself is wondering "what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" But it makes her laugh, and the interaction after is pretty wholesome.

//And what's even more difficult is I can't figure out who's idea this was between Kodaka or Uchikoshi.

//But yeah, as much as I do love the writing so far, this situation was a little cringe, and I wish the game didn't make it so corny.

DAY 13

//Not much to say here except we get a little bit more info about Gaku, and like I said before, I think his righteous anger towards society is very righteous indeed. But this day was kind of just setting up how we convince him to get on the frontlines, just as we did Tsubasa.

//I'd also like to add that while they do make it clear that the Invaders attack indiscriminately, they sure are letting us get all the plot out of the way, huh?

DAY 14

//So we went out again, like we did before with Eito, to get shit for Gaku in order to convince him to join the vanguiard.

//Darumi almost died, and we didn't even fight anyone. She just kept getting beaten to shit by random events. Smh.

//Like I hinted at before, I liked Gaku's version of the Persuasion Minigame way more than I liked Tsubasa's. Not only was it more engaging what was talked about, but it was also a lot more challenging, which works because the whole point of Gaku so far is how he's a very difficult person to work with.

//Without getting into the specifics of the conversation, I have to admit that this really got me to see what Gaku was conceptually, and I'm actually super into it.

//The big incentive for everyone to fight, Takumi especially, is that if the Invaders infiltrate the school, then the Tokyo Residential Complex is going to be destroyed, and everyone they love will perish. But unlike Takumi, Gaku feels like he owes nothing to the TRC, because he's had such a rough life full of people who treat him and those around him like shit.

//Again, Gaku has a very legitimate reason for being self-centered and greedy, which makes him way more sympathetic, and way less unbearable than previous Kodaka characters like him. At least for me.

//Also, while I did make some familiarities with Tsubasa's version, Gaku's version of the minigame feels way more like a Non-Stop Debate. Like I said, you normally have to pick the right dialogue option, but there's one point of Gaku's where in order to get past it, you have to just say nothing. You just let him get his emotions out without saying anything, and eventually the pain catches up to him, when he realizes he doesn't mean what he's saying.

//It's very clever. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

DAY 15

//So this day was the point where things really started to get interesting, and not really in a good way. And I can break it down into three notable things.

//One: Darumi and Hiruko's relationship suddenly became Toko and Byakuya again.

//I have no idea why or how, and it's never really explained, but it happened. Darumi just became a massive simp for Hiruko, which...I mean aren't we all? But even so, I have no clue what happened, so maybe I missed a scene?

//Two: I didn't mention it, but before this point, Ima has been concocting a plan of how to stop Hiruko from kicking him and Kako out without the need for them to get onto the battlefield. And it's through this that I'm starting to see more of what I noticed early on in the game.

//Despite the fact that Ima's life seems to revolve around Kako, Kako herself has absolutely no agency of her own. Despite how much of a genius and an angel Ima plays her up to be, Ima himself is always the one in control of the situation. He's the one who makes plans, the one who asks questions, and the one basically doing all the work for them.

//And as interesting as it is to see this, and for what it hints at in the future, it also sucks because it means Kako herself doesn't get much of a chance to be her own character.

//Takumi even says that she can do things without Ima, but Kako herself isn't sure, so I'm really really wondering just how genuine the love between these siblings are.

//Fortunately, Ima's affection to Kako hasn't really descended into LUST so far. The closest its gotten is for sure the "sweet sweet nectar" line from his introduction, but other than that, it doesn't appear to be any kind of incestuous relationship. They are still very clearly Kodaka's characters though, so who knows.

//My point is that if Ima and Kako turn out to be the next Kanada and Hibiki...Well, it won't stop me from enjoying the game, but I'm for sure not gonna like it.

//And three...

//hhAAHh...

//NOOOT gonna say too much about this CG in the event that I get in trouble with coomers on the internet, but it is absolutely the hottest piece of art that Komatsuzaki has made so far.

//Minh Ton's voice acting doesn't help, because if Shattered Hope taught me anything, that guy does eroticism WAY too well.

//The scene that happens here is basically Takumi and Eito confronting Hiruko because she apparently knows more of what's going on than she lets on. Other than having fought the invaders before, she seems more personally connected to the plot of this game.

//And while I did like the insinuation near the end that Hiruko IS a nice person; she just has a funny way of showing it; this was the point where I REALLY started to get bad vibes.

DAY 16

//And it turns out they were very well founded.

//And I am PISSED OFF!

//GENUINELY!

//So, as we saw in the demo, the minute it seemed like Sirei was going to give us the answers, he up and disappears, and then later, we find him seemingly dead.

//And now the same has most likely happened to Hiruko. Which sucks ass because that's now TWO of my favourite characters that have been removed from the game early.

//Again, I already KNOW that there are endings to this game where she actually makes it to the end, because I saw scenes in the previews and trailers that have her in them that straight up havent happened yet. And if she really is dead, then those scenes can't happen.

//So they have to happen somewhere else. I sincerely doubt that there was a whole leaked scene by the devs fully voice acted.

//But considering that Hiruko is my favourite so far, who in my opinion is both the most well-written, and the most powerful member of the team, I'm still mad.

//Even though there were so many red flags leading up to this.

//Largely, the fact that Hiruko is already maxed out in her regular stats and is easily the strongest member of the team from the get go, being like, the Disc-1 Nuke essentially, meant that she probably wasn't going to stick around for very long. Because having her around for the first playthrough at least would make it way too easy.

//Plus, like I said, it's the EXACT same situation as Sirei where she was about to reveal some information, and then went missing before she could reveal it.

//So it's not like I don't GET it, it's just annoying. Because that's my favourite character just GONE now.

//I suppose there had to be SOME reason to stop Shoma and the twins from being kicked out, but this is still so irritating to me. She had BETTER come back, or at the very least, get significant screentime in the other routes, because my enjoyment of this game is going to be seriously affected if she doesn't.

//I know Kodaka and Uchikoshi will pull through for me though.

DAY 17

//This is my favourite day of the story so far.

//So Hiruko is still missing, and now everyone is panicked looking for her, and coming up with ideas of what might have happened. I knew the minute Kako suggested that we might have a killer on our hands that Darumi was going to get excited. Because her Killing Game fantasy is started to get very real.

//This also bumped Kako a little bit up on my list, because again, it's nice to see she has a genuine passion for mystery that exists outside of her brother's influence. I feel like maybe if we had a route where we actually did a killing game, she'd be great in it.

//Also, Ima's plan was that he was apparently going to seduce Hiruko? I-I don't know what I was expecting. Like, I don't HATE Ima yet, he's just kind of weird...

//But while I was still seething over Hiruko's disappearance, the strange ghost boy surrounded by the flames showed up again. Just the same way he did on the night that Sirei was supposedly killed. So I'm starting to think he shows up as some kind of omen whenever we find a body, or when someone goes missing.

//But we don't have much time to think about that, because the Invaders attack again, this time during the night.

//And largely the reason why this is my favourite moment in the story so far is because HOLY SHIT THIS BATTLE WAS BALLER!

//This fight it split into three phases. Phase 1 starts off normally, except the twist is that this time around, there are actually TWO Commanders. And we're now defending the school from all sides, with Takumi and Takemaru on one side of the school, and Darumi and Eito on the other.

//The first phase is standard, but it does suck not having Hiruko around. However, I can't complain too much for this fight, because if she had been on the field, she would have taken out the commander in one hit, since they each only have 6 HP. Very low for a commander. In fact, there are regular enemies you can encounter in exploration that have more, and require multiple hits.

//But the first phase ends when you kill one of them, because the other one instantly revives it. So as you might guess, the way to work around this is you need to take out both at the same time.

//Simple enough, but the moment you realize that, a THIRD one shows up to attack a sudden third outpost. And with only four people on the field, taking out three of them at the same time is basically impossible.

//But to no one's surprise, THIS is when both Tsubasa and Gaku jump into the fray.

//Eito entering the fray was awesome, but the amount of bonding and getting to know these two that you had to do before this point, while it did make it more obvious, still made the moment more impactful. Because yeah, I love Gaku and Tsubasa, and seeing them finally step up gave me butterflies.

//Gaku is my son now. I am proud of him.

//And yeah, I used a string of ults to take down the monster in Phase 2, and then they fused together in Phase 3, where I kind of did the same to take it out.

//I can't really describe how this fight went perfectly, but in the moment, just experiencing the rush of chaining the attacks that each of these guys can do was AWESOME.

//But by far, and this is gonna sound crazy, the most exciting part of the gameplay in the fights is sacrificing your allies.

//In case you somehow missed it, there's a gimmick in this game where a character, provided they are low enough HP, can unleash their Ultimate Technique without expending any meter. However, doing so comes at the cost of their lives, and they're removed from the rest of the fight.

//But during the defense battles, there is basically no downside to doing this, because the characters dying means that the meter gets charged by 100%, and another character, maybe on the other side of the field, can unleash their Ult right after and take out a huge swarm of enemies.

//Anyone can look at this and say that the top-down gameplay is really simple, and it's fine to think that, but considering this is something that Kodaka and Uchikoshi haven't tried before, this is PHENOMENAL. Most Fire Emblem fights don't give me this kind of adrenaline rush. Hell, most turn-based fights don't give me that rush.

//This game is FANTASTIC, and I realized that more than anything in that moment.

//Anyway, the battle ended with Eito going on another friendship rant, which he needs to shut up with, and then I actually had to pick someone to absorb the enemy commander with. Last time, you HAD to pick Hiruko, but this time, I get to choose between the characters.

//It was basic, but I picked Takumi because he's the one I'll be using the most in the fights. And I like that his reaction to killing the commander was far more pained and struggled than Hiruko's.

//Can't wait to see a compilation of these scenes.

DAY 18

//I have basically nothing to say about this day. Nothing really happens, but the scene where Takumi wakes up in the afternoon in pain, walks into the cafeteria, and Takemaru, Darumi, Eito, Tsubasa, and Gaku are all completely knackered made me laugh more than it probably should have.

CONCLUSION:

//But yeah, that's basically all I have, and my takeaways from this game so far are as follows:

Hiruko remains my favourite character in this game so far, even though it seems like her screentime in this route has come to an end, which is something I'm still plenty pissed about. However, she will most likely be fine in the other endings, so I'm just gonna wait for those to learn more about her. Also, that swimsuit scene is gonna stick with me for all the wrong reasons.

Like I ranted about on Day 17, the fight where Gaku and Tsubasa join was absolute thrills, and the combat in this game actually gets me pumped up. I was expecting it to be serviceable, but no, it's actually super exciting.

My opinion of Tsubasa has improved a little bit, but my opinion of Gaku has increased MASSIVELY. While he's not my favourite, I am thoroughly invested in his story, and the fact that there are genuine layers to him despite being a self-centered dork and a coward.

//I have pros and cons of this game, and they're very clearly divided. But overall, I've only played about 6-10 hours of this 330 hour game, and I'm already INCREDIBLY invested.

//Once again, if you haven't played this game (which I sincerely hope you have because I've basically just spoiled the first part of the story for you if you haven't) please get it. It is absolutely worth the money, and worth the price.

-Mod

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: May 20, 2024 🎀

omg it'd almost the end of May, what the heck? I'm so excited, I leave to Colorado for my 8 weeks of work very soon and I can't wait! it's going to be such a cool experience being in a new place for a while!

Monday was a good day. My dad and my boyfriend both think I overdid it on the physical exertion a bit, and I agree. I took a long walk, outside, in 95 degree heat, with no sunscreen. Which is why they said I overdid it because my chest and shoulders are sooooo sunburnt. But Monday was amazing! Started off strong, ended not as strong but still good!

🩷 What I Accomplished:

~13k+ steps for the day

took an hour and a half long walk outside(it was amazing, I loved it, I stayed hydrated ans soaked up all the sunlight and fresh air)

completed a 30 min beginner pilates workout from Move with Nicole

did my morning journaling and gratitude

wrote down a positive quote of the day and read through my journal where I wrote down some things that I want to read daily

read and "annotated" 14 pages of Atomic Habits

took a 20 minute power nap

worked a ~6.5 hour shift

drank at least ~80oz of water (that's pretty good given I used to drink like 20oz a day and wonder why I never felt good)

took my two medications + vitamin D supplement

took a cool shower and washed my hair at the end of the day

went to sleep early!

💞 Good Things That Happened

my friend and a supervisor im close with complimented my appearance in a way that gave me a confidence/motivational boost

my other friend and I decided we're probably getting our nails done together next week

that same friend ^ and I are going to go shopping next week as well

my work is going to schedule me where I can still go to brunch with my dad on Friday!

my man starts his first day of work on Tuesday (I'm so excited for him! It's gonna suck not being able to text him all day, but I'm so proud of him for getting this job and all the progress he's made)

got complimented on how efficient I was at work by the night shift supervisor

ate goods that made me happy without feeling guilty or anxiety about it

💔 What Could've Gone Better

I over ate a bit at night after work and felt kind of bloated and sick when I went to bed. it's okay tho, things happen, and Tuesday is a new day <3

super sunburnt!!!! my chest and shoulders are bright, bright red! and I'm a naturally pretty tan person, so seeing my skin that red, yep, I'm definitely super burnt! need to wear sunscreen and protective clothes when I take a shorter walk on tuesday

I definitely overdid it on that walk. got too overzealous and pushed myself a lot. my legs were hurting so bad by the end of the day and that's not good. as much as I enjoyed the walk, I need to be so much more kinder to and thoughtful of my body. it does a lot for me, and I need to treat it right <3

💗 Stuff For Tuesday

take a shorter walk outside in the morning

read more of Atomic Habits (and annotate)

begin studying Spanish some more (fell off the habit but I have a lesson next Tuesday the 28th, so I need to be prepared!)

do some gentle morning and night skincare (my face is a little red from yesterday but not too bad since I wore a hat during my walk)

do my morning beginner pilates and gratitude journaling (I've already done these as of right now, but I struggled with the so-called "beginner" pilates video from IsaWelly. practice makes perfect, tho so I've got to keep consistent!)

book nail appointments with my friend for next week (hopefully the nail tech/nail salon I go to has availability for her and I to go together! I also need to pick the design i want!)

budget for this upcoming paycheck and what I need to save vs what I'm going to spend (and need to buy)

work a ~5 hour shift

talk to my man over video call at the end of the day to see how work/training went for him (it's his first day of work, but it's a hands on training kind of day for him as well)

💕 Song of The Day: aespa - Supernova

what an absolutely amazing song omg. aespa literally never misses with their music. I almost put Spicy, but I've been obsessed with Supernove since it dropped. I love it so much <3

That's all for Monday, like I said, it was a beautiful start to the week for me! And here's to Tuesday being a good day as well <3 I hope everyone here has a wonderful beginning of their week!

til next time lovelies 🩷

[b1ackcatchatsback]

last ask

About One of your French boys and The Courtly Love please 😅

OOOOOh, I'm so glad you asked.

***

French Boys (name TBC) is going to be a modern magical AU where Remus is a and writer and activist for the usual suspects in the magical world (elves, werewolves, Muggle-Borns etc), and Sirius is a portrait artist who's been commissioned to paint him for a lifetime achievement award. Remus is obv a werewolf but isn't out and Sirius is gonna figure it out.

It's going to be an age gap fic (about 10-15 years) and very atmospheric: broody and heady and romantic and sexy

Have a snippet:

If someone paid too much attention to Remus’s daily routine and habits, they could probably be forgiven for thinking he was compulsive in some way, shape or form.

He started his day the same way each day; with a cup of ginger tea and an hour of reading in bed. After that he poured himself granola and yogurt and ate it while writing out his plan for the day, bullet style. After that he’d check the weather, don a coat or a rain mack, and go for a walk through the Welsh County lanes into town to find a basket full of produce. He got the same ratio everyday: two pieces of fruit and three vegetables to be consumed that day, and then back to his sunny little cottage to make his cup of writing coffee.

After that, he would sit down and write. He worked in 50-minute intervals with 10-minute breaks for chocolate or a biscuit or a bowl of chopped fruit, until it was time for a late lunch – usually some attempt at a salad or a soup or a sheet pan of grilled chicken and veggies.

In the late afternoon, Remus ran errands. He flooed to Diagon Alley to get quill refills and journals or drove to a supermarket to stock up on basics or met Dorcas for coffee. He made a point of going out once a day with the express purpose of seeing other people, knowing how easy it was for him to lean into his hermit tendencies.

When he got home again, Remus would write some more. Every night he promised he’d finish by 1, but every time, he’d finally peel himself off his chair between midnight and 3am, falling into bed and do it all again the next day.

His life was reliably routine. He had it honed to a fine art. He got exercise, ate when he needed to, and got the mandatory social interaction that was supposed to keep him sane, and he was happy with it all. Or rather, he was comfortable. He knew what to expect and he rarely did anything out of his comfort zone. He didn’t like anyone looking too closely to his life; there was too much opportunity for someone to point out how monotonous it had all become. Too much room for someone to poke holes in his routine and look through the cracks of his loneliness and realise he was mostly keeping himself busy.

Which is why the letter in the tray on the corner of his desk alarmed him so much. He had thought he’d got out of it. He had thought he’d bought himself more time...

***

The Courtly Love AU will be a DND fic.

I want the narrative to have two layers; in game and out, with Wolfstar as the central pairing in an enemie to lover's arc. This one excites me because I sort of see the game as a way for them to peel each other's layers back and get to know each other as well as to express their devotion to each other. Remus is gonna be disabled in this fic and Sirius is gonna be a bit of a chaos demon. lol.

I've started writing the French Boys fic but not the Courtly love fic because I want to direct my solid attention to it :)

Thanks again! x

[caramello-koalas-for-feminism]

Okay so I was sent a list of questions by an 'anon' (I do know who you are though lmao). But I've put it in this format so that I can put it under a cut, otherwise it would be.... very long lol. So be warned this is possibly my longest post on this account hehe ty for the questions 'anon' <3

cherry - what is your sexuality?

I have a rather complex relationship with my sexuality and I don't really like labels, so I usually just say I'm queer :) I know I like the same gender and everything else is pretty confusing, so I like who I like and anyone who doesn't like that can suck my dick. I have said I'm bisexual at times, just for the palatability of whoever I'm around and I am okay with that label, I just don't feel like it entirely fits me.

lollipop - favorite makeup products?

Cutesy story for a very long time I refused to wear make up because I associated it with femininity (I was kind of a pick me ngl, but I think it definitely went deeper than that). So it's only rather recently that I even started wearing makeup at all, and I keep it very minimal anyway. I do love experimenting with cool eye-liner though, and it's really good to use to draw on your body with!

daydreams - if you could be anything or anyone, who would you be?

A genderfluid fairy living in magical castle (oddly specific but two specific people will get it)

october - what month were you born in?

August :)

caress - do you like to snuggle?

Yess with the right people

ivory - describe your pajamas?

Bro idk, I usually just chuck on comfortable clothes. But I do have some cool plaid pajyama pants I'm going to diy pockets onto :3

golden - favorite stationary product?

PENS I LOVE COOL PENS OMG. I love drawing and doodling so pens are just. So cool

freckles - most-worn article of clothing?

This ridiculous old shirt I got that says 'drama queen' amid sparkles that have now fallen off. It was gifted to me when I first joined theatre and I love it to bits lmao.

twilight - best friend?

Probably you @snek-of-eden and obviously an honourable mention for @lil-physco-moon because we're close too <3 and I just made a new good friend at school as well!! Excited to see how that develops

silk - what's your favourite music genre?

Idk... I listen more to songs than specific genres or artists. Probably musicals honestly 🤷‍♂️

poppy - favorite pastel color?

Green, or yellow!

dimples - most attractive features of a person’s face?

Oml eyes. PEOPLE'S EYES I love them so much, I have never met a person that doesn't have pretty eyes. You reading this ☝️ you have BEAUTIFUL, fascinating, magnificent eyes. Honourable mention for FRECKLES too omg I love freckles

sunkissed - autumn or spring?

Autumn :) spring just gets hot

buttery - favorite snack?

This will sound bizarre but ice. No not meth but actual ice cronchy

whisper - how much sleep do you get?

5-7 hours usually. I am trying to improve though

pencil - do you own a journal?

I own SO MANY and I'm scared to use a decent few and 'ruin them'

cupcake - are you a good cook? (Side note mild allusion to disordered eating here if you need to skip it!!)

I like to think so. I enjoy it at least and that's the main thing. Honestly cooking food helps me to feel more okay eating it sometimes, makes me think I 'deserve' to eat (but remember kids food is always allowed, you don't have to win it <3)

honey - favorite term of endearment?

Probably 'ml'. I use it quite a bit and it just... tickles my brain correctly? Idk honestly.

velvet - who was your first crush?

Okay so I didn't know it at the time, but I'm pretty sure I had a crush on my best friend in sixth grade. We're sadly not in contact anymore but she remains one of the coolest people I've ever met and I really hope she's doing well.

paper - favorite children’s book?

Window by Jeannie Baker :) no words but it holds a special place in my heart

peaches - do you have a skincare routine?

Lmao no. I can't shower half the time, trying to maintain a skincare routine would break me. I out on moisturiser and sunscreen as needed if that counts

mochi - favorite studio ghibli film?

PONYO hehehe love ponyo

backyard - did you ever have an imaginary friend?

Many, but none that stand out

strawberry - favorite fruit?

WATERMELON 😈 was obsessed with it so long I still get watermelon-themed presents regularly. Not complaining though

kiss - have you ever kissed a friend? would you?

No I haven't. I wouldn't be opposed to doing as such, dependent ofc on the friend

nightlight - do you read before bed?

Usually! Trying to do it more

aphrodite - favorite actress/actor?

Hailee Steinfield my goddess 🙏

cuddles - do you have any pets?

Yeah!! A beautiful cat I love her so much but she is also dumb as a post

lace - if you own any dresses, which is your favorite?

I dont wear dresses often, but i have one that has sunflowers on it that I actually really like!

sheets - an obscure song you love?

Sigh the fine print by the stupendium - idk how obscure it is but yk. Apparently it's based on a video game but I've never played it. The song just makes my brain happy

sapphos - favorite poet?

Probably Emily Dickinson!! Honourable mentions to edgar Allan poe and Alberto Rìos

plush - how many stuffed animals do you still own?

Many! They make me happy. More than ten

sunset - what is your favorite outfit?

Anything with jeans and my converse :) makes me feel happy, safe, and relatively less dysphoric

TYSM FOR THE QUESTIONS 'ANON' THIS WAS FUN TO ANSWER ❤️

If you actually read this far; well done & thank you :) please go drink water if you haven't recently!!

[never-not-ever]

Okay this is the last post that I just need to get out, then I need to head to the grocery store to get some stuff for my Nana for the week.

But yea so I'm here til tomorrow afternoon or evening, haven't decided yet. I brought some games and cards to play with my Nana but she's currently sleeping on the couch so I'm set up in front of this gorgeous view thinking about how perfect this would be for a writer to work on a novel. Which speaking of in my hasty last minute packing I forgot not only my journal but also one of the thousands of books I've bought and have struggled to start reading. Like there's lawn chairs out there and it would have been so nice to read.. ugh. It's just 24 hours, I'll be fine, it would have sucked more if I was here the week.

So when my Nana was mentioning her upcoming trip she was worried about me needing the car for my appointments during the week. Especially since I’m now seeing my new therapist on Thursdays in additional to current therapist and case worker on Mondays and group therapy Tuesdays. She kept asking me if I wanted to come down for a night or two and take the car back home for my appointments since she has a friend coming down Sun-Fri and her friend has a car but I kept politely declining...

So if I ever have issues with transportation to my therapy appointments PACT will pay for an uber there and back so theoretically I would have been okay for Mon and Thurs. I was planning on paying for an Uber to group therapy since it's at my psych hospital and not affiliated with PACT. I debated just skipping this week cause that'd be quite a bit of money but there's supposedly two new people joining this week and the group therapist had to cancel last weeks group so I didn't want to miss too much.

I really didn't want to stay the night down here for some weird reason I just didn't want to not sleep at home. It's been two years since I've spent the night at a place that wasn't home or the psych hospital and it's just a weird feeling. Moving on...

I made a post yesterday about fearing my Nana's death and I wasn't being dramatic or anything, I have every reason to worry with her old age not to mention these past two days she's looked like she was on death's door. That might be an exaggeration but she looked terrible and feels terrible. She says it's cause she took an antibiotic yesterday cause of dental work and it made her nauseous and she was sick all day. But last night I went upstairs to check on her. I called up the stairs, no answer. I went in her bedroom saw her sleeping and was preparing myself to find her dead. Legit same room and bed as where I watched my Aunt die.. But she was breathing and was alive-obviously.

But it was so depressing seeing her in a sleepy groggy state and without her dentures she looked so much older and worse. I didn’t think she’d still go on the trip and this morning she still looked horrible and I was like "you should just stay home" but she was all like "I already paid for it, no I still want to go blah blah blah".

So I thought about it and told her I'd drive down with her and stay the night and if she still wasn't feeling good tomorrow she should come back home with me. She'll probably be fine if it's just a temporary reaction to the antibiotic so she'll probably stay the week and I feel okay knowing she won't be alone. So now I'll have the car for my appointments not to mention I need to take care of both my cats and her cats upstairs during the week. Then Friday when her friend leaves I'll drive back down and spend the last night and we'll leave Saturday morning.

Okay, I think that sums it up 🙃.

Sometimes I think what is the point in posting all this boring nonsense?? But then I think of how much I love reading other people's personal posts so maybe this provides some reading material for some? Or I'm just posting into the void of the tumblr world 😂.

[raithwithwings57]

WIP rough draft Stucky fic where they both go down in the plane together

Just posting some bits and pieces because I have so many unfinished Stucky fics in the wings and I want to show them off a bit and I've not posted anything of my fics in months so, yeah I'm making several posts like this. I do intend to finish these out and post them on ao3 at some point, and if y'all really like any of these, let me know.

Bucky had always wanted to see the future. He’d dreamed about it, read about it, listened to the radio shows about it, dragged his best friend to science fairs he’d not been terribly interested in, gone to those free college lectures where professors pontificated about advancement. He loved the future, he wanted it, he read the technology journals and gushed to Steve over the new artists and their styles. Bucky was always looking forward.

Steve was always looking back. He was a man of the past. A man of possibilities the same way that Bucky was, and yet a man who saw the possibilites like missed opportunies, a reason for pennance rather than hopefullness. Maybe it was the Catholic guilt that Steve carried around, maybe it was his dead war hero dad, or later, his dead nurse mother. Maybe it was being small and weak and having something to prove (no matter how much he claimed he didn’t). Steve liked the old art, the history, the classic literature and the old architecture. He delighted in sitting for hours and sketching old buildings. He memorized all the old prayers and recited them in Latin with a fervor and consistancy that seemed to Bucky beyond just religous, though he didn’t have any other word for it. Steve lingered at history lectures and in muesums looking at marble statues made by the greats. He went to the old graveyards and lingered over the plain stones of soldiers.

Bucky and Steve couldn’t be more different, but they couldn’t have been more the same. And even if one looked forward and the other looked back, they always did it together. Balanced each other out, had interesting long conversations in the dark when they couldn’t afford to have candles or lamps to burn in the night. Or when they huddled close on one bed for warmth in the depth of winter. They could look both forward and back and not stumble, not forget anything important, because they did it together. Steve and Bucky. To the end of the line. Looking out for each other.

Steve would probably not live to see much past the other side of thirty. That was what the doctors had said when he was born, and they’d always maintained it. Bucky couldn’t help but think that Steve didn’t look forward because he didn’t know how. That he saw himself a bit like a still living corpse, or a ghost drifting through this world of the living. Because Steve would never live to see the future. Bucky wasn’t sure he would live to see the future either if Steve died before he got there. He didn’t try not to think about it, because he wouldn’t do himself the disservice of the lie. So he did think about it. Steve was his person, and Bucky wanted his person with him when he was admiring the future. If he was Catholic like Steve he would have begged and prayed.

However Bucky didn’t believe, and he wouldn’t do himself the disservice of that lie either. Nor disrespect something Steve held in such high esteem by blasphemy toward it.

But for all that Bucky wanted to see the future, he’d never really thought that he would. But he did. Oh how he did. Bucky saw far too much of the future.

The ice was rushing up to meet them, and Bucky was facinated, transfixed. Steve’s hands were on the controls, pushing the plane down into the water. They were going to die, and they both had a few moments to know it. To maybe say something, if they had been the kind of people that left things unsaid. But they were neither of them foolish enough to leave things unsaid. To the end of the line. And the end of the line had come. Bucky had seen his future, and Steve had seen his past. And now they were going to die together. Steve wouldn’t see the other side of thirty after all, and neither would Bucky.

There was nothing to say. Nothing at all. Bucky had seen the future in Hydra’s weapons and the experiments on his best friend and on Johan Schmitt. Steve had seen the past in the horrors of war and the power of becoming a hero that would surely outlive them both.

[angelosearch]

Little life/fic/project update...

I absolutely love my grad program and learning all this art therapy stuff but sometimes the spoon drawer just gets empty even when all you're eating is ice cream, you know?? Definitely hit a bit of a wall yesterday, especially with how stressful/unpredictable my internship has been. I took a mental health night (still had to intern for 5 hours and sit in an hour of traffic) and skipped class this evening... hoping that recharges me at least a little.

I fell behind with Inktober and it doesn't seem like I'm going to catch up. I have two sketches that I might ink and post but if it's between that and writing... I'm going to write.

The next chapter of "Chaos Theory" is in progress. I might finish it this week, but I'll have to see if it feels "complete" after I finish the current scene or if I want to add more. After that there is just two more chapters and the epilogue and two out of three of those I already have extremely strong drafts for!!

The one thing keep asking myself is have I answered all the questions? From watching the numbers I am guessing I have between 60-80 consistent readers (WHICH IS INSANE. And a huge honor!! so happy to share my story!!!!) and I don't want to let anyone down!! If you read CT, please let me know any outstanding questions you have in the story (like 'what's going on with x character?' or 'what's the explanation for this?' etc.). I have room to answer some things I might not have considered, but I need to know what I haven't considered!

Because I am so close to the end of CT, I haven't really touched anything else lately! Here are my rough writing goals looking toward the end of the year:

Finish posting CT before December. If I can, finish writing this month!

Finish writing CT "Rewind." I am about 60% of the way through overall and 50% through the next chapter.

Post at least one more FFVIII The Musical song by Halloween since that's when I started writing it last year.

Finish my Bingo card!

Write and post for my Yuletide exchange.

Write and post "Angelo: Search" (the next installment in the Angelo Combine series)

After that, I will probably try REALLY HARD not to start anything new (at least in the FFVIII fandom) until I finish some of my current multichapters. Update priority as I see it is:

Minute Hand

The Sorceress Awakens (and the rest of the New Beginning Series)

Vessel of Hyne's Grace

FFVIII The Musical

Of course, I have other non-fanfiction things I want to do before the end of the year/January, too. I have some people I want to visit, outstanding art projects, my new year's journal, holiday gifts to make (watch out my friends 👀), AMVs, class/finals... Yeah, so who knows how much of that is possible! Also I have SO MUCH reading to do!!

As always, these posts are more for my planning purposes than anything else!! I love a prioritized list, haha. Please continue your regularly scheduled scroll.

[cryptidsurveys]

Thursday, July 3rd, 2025.

What day of the week is it? It's Thursday. Also, because I don't know where else to mention this, I think wheelin-after-midnight (survey-taker) might have deactivated her account? I hope she's okay. <3 :'(

What does that mean you have to do? Normally, it would have meant grocery shopping and a trip to the mountain park, but I have been helping out in cat iso for the last three days because we're short staffed. I think I'll be going in every day until next Wednesday, which is my therapy appointment. After that, I'm not sure what my schedule will look like, but if they still need my assistance, then I will be there.

What are your plans for tomorrow? I'll be at the animal shelter in the morning. After lunch, if I'm feeling up for it, I might do some form of housecleaning. Oh, and I just re-remembered that tomorrow is the 4th of July. Lol, I hope I sleep well that night because I have to be up early the next morning. I was originally planning on taking Saturday off, that way there was no pressure, but now tiny baby kittens neeed meee.

Where do you work? I don't have an actual job.

What was the last book you read? I've answered this so many times. It's gonna be the same two books for a looong time because 1) the Bible is massive and 2) I only read The Neverending Story during my Tuesday lunchbreaks.

Are you pro-choice? I am.

Are you a vegetarian? Nope.

What is your favorite kind of salad dressing? Ranch. Lol, the vanilla of salad dressings.

How old will you be in 2013? I turned 24 in March of that year.

When you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up? I don't think I had any genuine ambitions, but maybe a veterinarian. I know now that I probably wouldn't be able to handle all of the death. Even if I eventually became a vet tech, I would prefer to work at the animal shelter because it wouldn't be as emotionally taxing.

Have you ever been in someone’s wedding? I have attended a couple of weddings, but I have never been in one.

Would you rather visit the Taj Mahal or the Eiffel Tower? The Taj Mahal seems more interesting.

Do you live in Florida, Nebraska, or Virginia? I live in Colorado.

Have you ever been to South America? I haven't.

Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Yeah.

If your house was on fire, what 3 things would you try and save? As long as my dad and cats were safe, then my phone, some clothes, and kitty paw prints and ashes.

What does your status say right now?

Have you ever ridden on a subway? I haven't.

Are your toenails painted at the moment? No.

Open the nearest book, turn to page 8 and type the first sentence: I'm too lazy.

Have you showered yet today? I've showered twice. Once this morning and once upon returning home.

What were you doing the last time 11am rolled around? I was getting ready to leave the shelter.

What do you plan to be doing in 2 hours? I might be in the midst of eating a snack. If not, then maybe in bed watching YouTube or taking another survey.

What is your middle name?

Do you prefer to write in pen or pencil? Pen.

Do you keep a journal? It's just this and Instagram these days.

Are you still friends with your best friend from kindergarten? I'm not. I don't think we really saw each other much once I switched schools after third grade.

What did you do on your last birthday? On the day-of, I went to the animal shelter, but I also went to the mountain park with my dad and out to eat + to get a haircut with my mom.

What brand is the deodorant you use? I think it's Suave.

What was the last movie you watched? 28 Years Later.

Are you ticklish? Idk. It's been a very long time since someone has tried to tickle me.

Are you shy? I am.

Are you hot-tempered? Occasionally, but not really. I can be a bit moody on the inside, but I try not to let that affect people around me too much.

Was your mom over 30 when she had you? I think she was around 32 when she had me.

Have you ever won more than $100 dollars playing the lottery? That's probably the most I've ever won.

Have you ever played strip poker? Possibly.

What is your most memorable Halloween costume? Maybe Queen Amidala from Star Wars.

When was the last time you ate popcorn? Last Wednesday, at the movie theater.

What color is the floor of the room you are in? Teal.

Who is your 4th phone contact and how do you know them? Lol, it's Verizon roadside assistance.

Have you ever lived in a dorm? No.

Do you live in an apartment? I don't.

Are any of your friends pregnant? No.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? No.

Who do you trust with your secrets? These are the people I have trusted with the biggest things: my dad, my therapist, my best friend, and my ex.

How short would you be willing to cut your hair? I'd be willing to buzz it, but I wouldn't be willing to go completely bald.

Do you wish on shooting stars? I have.

If someone made a movie about your life, who would star as you? I don't know why anyone would want to make a movie out of my life in the first place.

Is your birthday in winter? It's near the end of winter, on March 14th.

What’s the story behind your most noticeable scar? Old piercing site.

Is your car newer than a 2000? It's a 2008 model.

Did you graduate high school within the last 2 years? I never graduated from high school. I dropped out and got my GED.

Will you graduate high school in the next 2 years?

Is there anything buried in your closet you wouldn’t want anyone to find? My old journals are in there somewhere…

What was the last song you listened to? Something classical on the drive home.

Where do you see yourself in the next 3 years? I guess just a more evolved version of what I'm doing now.

[fauxfickle]

We now return with your regularly scheduled and all too familiar feeling of malaise and the search for "The Great All American Pizza Show!"

So it's been a little under a month since my last post and I've been skimming through commercial compilations from the LA area. I've found some cool YT channels that archive old ads from that area but I obviously don't have anything to show for it. The ads are either too early or too late to be part of this campaign which is a bit frustrating. Something I neglected to mention last time was that I was also looking through Colossal Pictures demo reels to see if they had a snippet of the animated commercial but of course, there's nothing. There seems to be a cutoff point in the early 80s as most demos only show things from that far back. I was able to find some obscure, silent, avant garde, sci-fi film possibly connected to Colossal but I don't think that'll help me much.

Colossal had some sort of "meet the crew" type video where all the employees said they're names but only their first name so I can't really track them down or anything. I'll keep looking, I didn't look all too hard as I was kinda at my wits end at that time looking through ad comps for hours.

I took a bit of a break for a while before reading through the old Pizza Times newsletters from Dec 79 - May 80. The May 1980 newsletter had some cool info about commercials and news features filmed at the various stores. Some of these aren't technically part of TGAAPS campaign but ehhhhhh I don't really care. They're part of early PTT history and I wanna see them damnit!

Let's go through these starting with Citrus Heights. The Citrus Heights section is loaded with info regarding lost media, 3 in fact! Sacramento's Channel 40 (KTXL), which has since been bought out by FOX in the mid 80s, did a Newsplus at 10 feature on the cyberamic systems at the new store during it's opening week. If we consult the ever so useful Chuck-E-Pedia, we can find that this feature would have been shot and most likely aired on Christmas week of 1979. A perfect pin point set of dates to look through! Next, Chuck was seen in the lead up to the United Cerebral Palsy Telethon which also gives us some idea of where to look. Finally, a TV commercial was filmed, possibly with TGAAPS slogan. Bob Wilkins' ad agency produced it but I couldn't find ANYTHING regarding this company. It's mentioned on his wikipedia but not named, and a even his own website doesn't mention anything about it. It's surprising that someone who seems like a local celeb in there area could have an ad agency that goes almost entirely undocumented.

Next, we move to Sparks, Nevada. Channel 2 (KTVN) filmed a feature on the store for the PM Magazine. The store was visited by reporter Keith Hirshland. Now I'm actually pretty sure I've found this dude! I found a local online article talking about him and the timeline works perfectly. Assuming this was filmed in early 1980, Keith would of been still fresh out of college with a degree in journalism and around 23. He also says he grew up running down the halls of the KTVN office. As a little aside, I'd just like to say don't bother this man or anyone/company mentioned in any of my posts. The last thing we need is to scare off these people.

This last little piece of lost media probably has the best chances of being found out of all the rest. Ben Wattenberg's 1980, from what I can find, is a dry, uninteresting TV news segment hosted by an equally dry and uninteresting host, the neo-conservative Ben Wattenberg. Ben Wattenberg's 1980 itself seems to be almost entirely lost media as only a few stills, episode descriptions, and TV listings exist online. However, this show was on PBS which no doubt has it somewhere in it's archive. What's better is that that there not only an exact date of when the episode will air, but also the name of the episode itself! One user on taptalk was able to find a TV listing which unfortunately doesn't lead anywhere and isn't archive on the WayBack machine. Luckily people actually said the name of the supposed episode which would of been "Silicon Valley: The New Entrepreneurs". We can also find evidence of it in a newspaper from that June 15th.

I sent e-mails to KTXL-40 and PBS on 2/24, so far no responses. I'll wait a little longer and in the mean time look for more leads and contacts. As I said before, don't bother these people/companies. I don't want them to be swamped with calls and e-mails and clam up on us. Bye for now!

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok gonna journal a little bit about the first six weeks under the cut, with the caveat that i know a lot of people who have babies under one year old right now or are about to have babies, all of whom are having or will probably have different experiences than me. i feel weird talking about parenting in public because i don't want it to seem like i'm comparing experiences. i just want to write through it for myself to make sense of my own experience, i guess?? must reflective journal or i can't consolidate my own impression of what's happening haha.

some scattered thoughts:

it's a LOT of work. having good routines and practicing them a lot has helped make it feel more manageable, but it's absolutely a full-time or really more than full-time job (round the clock care!!). i cannot imagine going back to work while caring for a newborn. i am really really really really lucky to have six months of protected time (four and a half months of it paid!). but it's still a little scary to think about going back to work at six months... like how will there be enough hours in the day??

time passes SO weirdly with a newborn. i literally never know what day it is and i often have no sense at all for how long it's been since something happened. i can't believe i've been off work for six weeks... it feels like i've been away for six months and also simultaneously like i gave birth six days ago. i also totally get what people mean about developing amnesia around the newborn phase... i already am having a hard time remembering when certain things happened or when he made certain transitions.

my transition to parenthood was a little rough because of the hand pain + the wrist surgery, but it was massively, massively eased by having an easy, non-traumatic birth experience + then having my mom here to handle nights for the first three and a half weeks (with help from my sister too). like ultimately i think the wrist stuff was a blessing in disguise because it meant i HAD to rest and rely on other people. i went into parenthood with such a massive sleep deficit from two months of excruciating pain but then i was able to more or less sleep through the night for two solid weeks after the surgery. i think that meant 1) i got a lot of much-needed rest and was able to recover from birth faster, but also 2) i wasn't the person who had to deal with the most intensely fragmented phases of newborn sleep. my poor mom! but gosh what an incredible gift that was. i am sleep deprived and tired but i am not absolutely wrecked and it's 100% because she handled the most labor-intensive phase of keeping a little baby alive.

i think i have a pretty easy baby. he sleeps well (i mean after the first few harrowing weeks where they are somehow simultaneously asleep at all times and incapable of sleeping), eats well, and doesn't mind being alone in his crib for quiet time. i fully expect that if this particular phase is easier for me there will be much harder phases that are easy for other people... like probably he will be a baffling nightmare at some other phase other people's kids navigate with ease. but i'm enjoying this phase of things feeling semi-manageable. i also feel like, even though i read one million baby books beforehand, i basically did not do anything to get these results. i just got this (for now?) easygoing baby who is pretty amenable to whatever happens to him. it reminds me of what my mom has said about raising us... three of us were really easy and then my brother was the clingiest, loudest, most emotionally volatile, impossible-to-soothe, bad-sleeping little baby of all time, and my mom was just like yeah. really cures you of thinking you've got it all figured out! really makes you realize that 90% of it is just the baby's temperament and it has virtually nothing to do with how capable you are as a parent! i just want to remember this in case i do this again and the next kid is like my brother haha.

my therapist says some people get postpartum blues right away and others get a big surge of protective happy hormones that start tapering off around month three (so their postpartum blues come later). i suspect that i got the surge of happy hormones because often i am just walking along with a Song in My Heart and that feeling of 'i am overflowing with joy!!' that reminds me of the endorphin waves i get when i'm exercising a lot. so maybe things will abruptly start feeling a lot harder when this wave of hormones dissipates, and then i will have to weather that. but for now it is nice to feel really baseline happy/joyful even when i'm tired.

it took a bit longer to bond with him than i expected! for the first three weeks or so i was like, well this baby is beautiful and perfect, but also, he could just be anybody's beautiful perfect baby, you know? i liked him as a baby and was interested in him as a little guy living in my house but i did not experience an intense surge of maternal feelings at first sight or anything like that. and sometimes when he was extremely fussy or when i was really tired of taking care of him i was like aaaa great now i just have to be responsible for him forever?? he's a nice little baby but forever???? anyway i feel like it's only in the last couple weeks that i've started to feel more strongly that this is MY beautiful and perfect baby. and it's become increasingly fun and joyful to think about like oh! we just get to hang out for the next 18+ years! i get to be his mom forever! we are a little family now!

i want another one... i want another little baby... i am going to have to really scheme and save and hussle at my side jobs to make it happen, and i am very conscious of the biological window closing. i would ideally like there to be a larger gap between them (like i think in a perfect world he would be 5 when i had a second baby) but i don't think i will have the luxury of that much time. so i think i am going to wait the recommended 18 months and then start the process again. idk we will see how things feel once he is in daycare and i am strapped for time and $$ but i would sure like to do this again. and i would really like to give him a sibling. we'll see.

i just love him... i love snuggling with him... i love watching him look around at stuff... i love taking him to new places and seeing him take it all in... i love watching my friends and my family snuggle him and joke around with him... i love singing to him and watching him go from shrieking to totally relaxed just because someone's singing to him... i love lying in bed after i've put him down for the night and watching him sleep on the video monitor... i love feeling responsible for him and knowing that it's my job to take good care of him... i love watching him in the car seat mirror as he listens to taylor swift with a calmly contemplative expression on his face... i love seeing his little personality emerging... gosh! i just like this little snuggly guy who lives in my house. i like him a lot.

[mariska]

sad progressive disability ramble under the read more sorry for using this blog as a public health diary again it's just been. A Lot. and i don't currently have the body strength to physically write in my journal with a pen/pencil

been like three days in a row now i think where i have been forcibly woken up because my left leg, specifically my calf and thighs and toes but mostly calf, went into a sudden severe So Painful That You Can't Even Scream About It And Just Kind Of Sob And Groan Involuntarily dystonia attack while i was still asleep and then it just continues lingering as really bad super tight muscle pain for the rest of the day even with the help of multiple prescription meds i have that very slightly help prevent another full-on dystonia attack. im so tired. its been like this for a very large portion of my life but it used to happen like once or twice a year before this year and now i'm getting lucky if it doesn't happen more than once a week. on top of the reproductive organ system pain that has gotten so bad this whole year too that i essentially no longer have any days in a month where i am not experiencing Extreme debilitating pain and cramps and am pretty much just On My Period in some part of the whole cycle thing 24/7.

i am like. im just. im too tired dude. i really think i've reached a point so far beyond any kind of pain threshold limit of what i can deal/live with at this point it's absolutely terrifying. i'm trying so so so hard to "take it one day at a time" but i can't even take it one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time it feels like my body is legitimately completely failing on me. i wish i could remember what it felt like being somewhat less physically disabled when i was a kid thru my tweens and very early teens. that feels like a completely different person and life separated from my present day self now. i used to wake up without a nausea inducing headache sometimes. i can't even imagine what that must have been like.

genuinely sorry to be making bummer posts on here about my health decline, tried to tell myself yrs ago that i should probably not do that cause i truly do not want to make anyone else feel miserable reading my life updates that are very much not positive and filled with health related fear. it's just like. god, ok, im sorry again in advance i don't mean for this to sound at all defeatist or completely pessimistic, but in a purely logical This Is Just What Every Day Of Life Has Been For Me way i feel like i'm running out of time. in general. in life. very specifically because of how fast everything has declined with my health this whole year and the past few months specifically. i keep going to sleep whenever im able to in the middle of the night feeling absolutely terrified that my body will just suddenly fail on me totally while i'm sleeping and i'll just die. i cannot stress enough how much I Do Not Want That To Happen To Me At The Age Of 27 but like. wtf am i supposed to do. about all of this. im already doing the max of whatever i can, i have dr's appointments scheduled as scared as i am about actually going to them for multiple reasons, i have medications prescribed to me that do help a bit with my more muscle and connective tissue related pain problems, im trying so hard to keep it together (mostly for my moms honestly because they love me and care about me way more than i love or care about myself but thats just The Severe Clinical Depression speaking or whatever) but it doesn't matter because my body refuses to try with me anyways. i am. so. tired. i don't think any amount of rest or naps or sleep will ever improve how tired i feel all the time ever again truly. i think its just This Tired And Exhausted And Burned Out Forever Now. i am. indescribably sad.

[leopardom]

i thought i wouldn't end up making one of those sappy posts before the end of 2023 but here we are i guess

what i wanna say in advance is a huge thank you, and that i'm sorry

this year has been a nightmare for me and i can't stress that word enough. i won't get into details, if you follow me you may have seen some occassional rant posts. long story short though, i'm ending 2023 being mentally exhausted af and even though i'm not in my most optimistic mood, i hope 2024 will not as shitty as 2023

as of my tumblr presence, there have been some changes. i jumped from one fandom to another without completely leaving the bc fandom. i'm just not that much in the mood anymore. maybe this will change once the new album is out? we'll see 👀 and jumping to another fandom means that i lost contact with so many people from the bc fandom. i promise you i didn't do this on purpose and i don't hate or stopped liking any of you. it just... things got weird and a bit too much in my head and now idk how to keep contact without looking extremely weird in this fandom

anyway! entering another fandom has been weird not only in means of interests but also in means of communication. ever since i remember my tumblr activity in any fandom, i always tried to interact as much as possible with other accounts and talk with people, whether that was via posts or messages. in the jo fandom i feel like i have kinda failed that

i'm aware that i post a lot and i'm probably everywhere with the content updates and the gifs. and that may be annoying to some people. and i understand it, i don't like it but i understand it and i wanna apologise for being... all over the place yet not really reaching out to anyone in the fandom or building any kind of online friendship

idk if there's an accurate explanation for the way i feel about this so i'll put it in the best words possible: i wanna make jokes and have fun in here and exchange random messages or mentions in posts and talk shit or not about jo etc, but i feel like my social anxiety (both online and offline) has passed any limit i had put to it until now that i end up thinking it's actually wrong to interact with anyone in this fandom. because everyone has already connected with some people and have built a specific line of interests and you all seem so fucking cool for someone who is as insecure and scared to talk as me so i end up hiding behind my gifs, shitposts and content updates in hopes that people will like me or at least aknowledge i exist in this fandom. and again, that's all on me, there's no one to blame for this behaviour but me and my fucked up mind (which got even more fucked up in the past year). so idk, i feel like i wanna apologise for this, for being like that

however, no matter the anxiety, i must admit that the jo tumblr fandom was actually my escape when things in real life got bad bad. i've spent hours scrolling through the jo and kaarija hashtags in hopes of seeing something unhinged and funny to lift my mood and you know what? i found something every single time. and that was more than nice. if it wasn't for all of you being as funny and crazy (in a positive way) as you are, i'd feel even worse. but every time i open the jo hashtag there's someone posting a wholesome thing or saying something unhinged like how many ways has Kris listed to kill Bojan in his sleep lmao

anyway i ended up writing a lot, this could easily be an entry to the journal that i don't keep but maybe should start keeping. if you read until this point, congratulations for going through all this ramble and i'm sorry

hope 2024 is gonna be a lot different than 2023 but in a good way this time. and i hope i get better and actually get to interact more with all of you great people 💕 and obviously i hope you all have a fantastic year ahead of you 💖

[the-gilded]

💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they're in love?

Thank you for asking! 💜 This one's maybe more of a guess on my part, I think, because I haven't written that far for any of the characters yet and sometimes they surprise me, lol.

Ayre likes to play their cards pretty close to their chest, so I don't think that them with a crush would look much different than how they behave now. In love, assuming the feeling is mutual, I think they wouldn't have anything to hide any more. They would be much more open with affectionate words and gentle touches, and quite a bit like a cat that drops dead birds at the foot of your bed (though hopefully they choose more useful gifts).

Jolenn is already such an ostentatious flirt that I'm not sure you could tell the difference between how they usually act and how they would act when they have a crush. Maybe they would be caught stealing glances more often than usual. In love, Jolenn would be quite clingy, both in physically wanting to hold or be held and in the way that they would want to do everything and go everywhere together. Some might find it annoying, lol.

Nex, being demiromantic and also very closed emotionally would probably be hard to read. If they had a legit crush, it would be on someone that they had already formed quite a close bond with, and they would be quite surprised to feel such a thing at all. They might be a bit more broody than usual. In love... It's hard to say. At first they might start to test boundaries, to be their very worst self, to see if this is even a safe person to have such feelings for. If all goes well, then they would become quite fiercely defensive and protective of that person, and likely more open and talkative than they've been before.

Wren, particularly with a crush on MC, would be quite peculiar at first. They might withdraw, have a hard time talking, and try to make some distance. Eventually they would settle and look to spend more time and space with MC, playing games or just asking them questions. In love, Wren could be quite the hopeless romantic: tenderly gazing at the object of their affection for minutes or hours, taking photos of them or taking photos together, and probably journaling about them too.

[nancypullen]

A Monday in January

It's just a week before I start my new job at the library. I am cautiously optimistic. I know without a doubt that I can do the job and do it well, though I'm probably a bit rusty. My concern has been improving my wardrobe a bit. Lucky for me, the library has a very casual dress code, but I don't think they want me showing up in sweatshirts. That's been my uniform for far too long. I need one of those What Not to Wear interventions. Today I wore this sweatshirt, purchased from an Etsy shop.

It's actually perfect for the library because it's a nod to Mr. Darcy's insult to Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. I mean, that's literature, folks. Still, they'd like for me to wear business casual so I've been attempting to add a few pieces here and there. When taking stock of my closet I realized that I'm apparently a collector of black pants. Straight legs, boot cut, leggings, ponte, denim - you name it, I've got 'em. I need a couple pairs of nice indigo/dark wash jeans, they look good with just about anything. I have enough tops and sweaters to rotate. I doubt anyone will really notice what I'm wearing. But, because I have Xmas money and gift cards I traveled to Easton today to shop at the Kohl's there. It was so frustrating. I found plenty of pretty things, but the whole store looked like it had been ransacked. If I found a sweater or top I liked, the color I wanted wasn't available in my size. I refuse to buy anything I don't truly like, so if I want the cobalt blue but they've only got my size in beige, I'm not getting it. I spent hours in the store and finally came out with two tops and a necklace. I found a pair of shoes I liked but again, no 6 or 6 1/2 in stock. I came home and found them on the Kohl's website and ordered them. So that's enough of a happy ending for me. I'll always be tidy and clean, I'll accessorize and then slap on some lipstick. Granny chic! I mentioned the sweatshirt I purchased on Etsy. I was gifted a very generous Etsy gift card for Christmas and I've had a ball spending it. Look at this treasure.

I ordered a beautiful journal, and had a quote and my initials added. I'm filling it with my thoughts, my poetry, and sometimes my melancholy ramblings. If you love it as much as I do, you can order your own here:

Choose the color, your own quote or saying (whatever inspires you) and get to writing. Wouldn't this be a lovely gift? It's beautifully made and quite thick.

I couldn't love it more. It's perfect for me during this season of my life. I am truly out looking for myself. The mister is upstairs on a Zoom photo club meeting, I think they have a guest speaker or something. I'm downstairs with both kitties enjoying the quiet. I just downloaded a couple of books from the library so I've got some good reading for the stormy day ahead.

I'm okay with everything but a power outage. Let the storm rage, but I'm going to need to heat up my soup, ya' know? And speaking of books, I'm considering joining the Modern Prairie Book Club. Melissa Gilbert, who played Laura/Halfpint Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie has a company called Modern Prairie - I loooove all of it, the cookware, the home goods, the clothing, the recipes, everything.

I absolutely love the Modern Prairie Instagram account -

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Modern Prairie (@officialmodernprairie)

so of course I was intrigued by the book club. She mentioned revisiting old books that we all read once upon a time and discussing how we view them now, decades later. I laughed when I saw the first book choice.

Then I got nostalgic (it's been more than fifty years for me!!) and then I became curious. I think I'll give it a whirl. What's the worst that can happen, I'll change my mind and go back to reading Lisa Jewell or Liane Moriarty? No big deal. Best case scenario is that I'm able to recapture some of that sweetness and simplicity. So that's where I'm at on this quiet Monday evening in January - optimistic about the new job, but yearning for the past at the same time. I suppose that's normal for most of us, isn't it? Looking forward with hope while trying to hang onto the best of what was. Sending out loads of love tonight. I hope it finds you and wraps you in a hug. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy