#looking for knowledgeable people to come here and help us out and think you're pretty smart like...thank you . finally

[idlingsomewhere]

the secret to having a respectful conversation with stem bros is to infiltrate their discord server with no identifying information and let them assume you're a stem bro

[catboybiologist]

I see you talk a lot about hrt and you seem pretty informed. I also see that you have had really good effects from hrt.

So what I wonder is how much you think it is luck and genetics vs you making the right choices. I can't help but be jealous sometimes. I've had rotten luck and ok genetics it seems.

What's your take on this? Do you think you've been lucky or do you think everyone can do it like you have if they just did it the same way?

So whenever I answer an ask like this, I end up getting spammed with a ton of hrt related questions, and it gets a bit exhausting. So here's my usual disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor any kind of medical professional. I'm not an expert on this. I have a little more knowledge about the theory behind hrt than the average person, but not the medical practice. I'm just giving my experiences here.

So I couldn't say for sure, but I think the answer is both? I can't say how much luck is a component, but that said, I think that there's a lot that helped me out just from the troubleshooting end.

This answer ended up being long, so here's a tl;dr:

Be liberal on your estrogen, conservative on your antiandrogen. Eat a lot, exercise a lot.

Huge ramble under the cut.

It's hard to say that I looked feminine pre HRT. I had (and still somewhat have) all of the "ultra masculine" skeletal features that make people think their transition is going to go poorly, but the soft tissue changes have reframed how they look and function. I used to think that I would never come close to looking feminine without super intense FFS, and that feeling is almost completely gone now. So I didn't feel particularly lucky going into any of this. Now I do, and I'm finally actually relaxing how good hrt has been to me.

I did several things that I think accelerated my hrt. Unfortunately, I can't have a control group here. I also operated over a short period of time, during a period where hrt has a variety of effects. I have no way to tell for sure if these things did anything, or if it's all just masked by standard hrt progress, which comes and goes in bursts.

Also note: I don't think anything has dramatically affected my "final" results. I think there's a lot of things that have accelerated my results. But with ongoing, years long processes like HRT, the biggest, key ingredient is PATIENCE. I keep seeing 2 years thrown around like it's the end of hrt progress. This is, quite frankly, ridiculous. 2 years is startup and troubleshooting time. Whatever development happens in the first two years is a bonus, not a normal timeline.

So never, ever feel like you've fucked up your transition for good. You can always tweak it. And, you can always wait.

That all said, here's the bulleted list of the things that I think contributed:

Intensely focusing on getting my blood estrogen high. Stop thinking about dosages, start thinking about levels. From anecdotes I've seen, most doctors will underdose your estradiol. You should be shooting for 200pg/mL minimum. Many doctors will use this as a maximum. That is outdated information. Your estrogen should be on the high side of cis women ranges. If you're lost, use cis women metrics as a guide, or the WPATH. Personally, I've been blessed with a fantastic provider that I've never had to push back to or argue with, but I've heard some nasty horror stories.

Note that achieving the level I said above is often difficult with pills. Pills do have a maximum safe dosage because of liver metabolism. This will vary from person to person. But if you're getting past 8mg oral per day, consider switching to injections, patches, or gels. These methods bypass digestion and (somewhat) dodge the liver, making it easier to safely get higher blood levels. Even if you try to take them sublingually, a lot still ends up consumed orally.

HRT methods that allow for large differences between estrogen highs and lows seem to be more effective than steady state HRT. This is completely shooting in the dark here, but from my vague anecdotes from comparing injections with peaks and troughs to more steady (but still lover bypassing) methods, it still seems like injections are somewhat more effective. That is not a scientific assessment at all. But that's the only explanation I could think of that matches a little bit of what's known about hormonal physiology

With everything above: if possible, drop your antiandrogen ASAP. A pattern I've seen over, and over, and over again, is trans women being overdosed on antiandrogens while simultaneously being underdosed on estradiol itself. Remember: sufficiently high levels of blood estrogen are antiandrogenic on their own. If you need a AA to keep your T or other androgens low, your E is likely too low anyways. There's multiple reasons why having too much androgen suppression without raising estradiol is bad, but for a whirlwind summary, there's two things I would break it down to. One, having too low of both T and E is really bad, and is basically one of the only ways you can do HRT "wrong" in a way that's medically harmful (the other being stressing your liver). It has effects both short term (mood, metabolism, and energy) and long term (bone density and general growth). Also keep in mind that cis women have androgens too- and you need to make sure you're not over suppressing androgens to below cis female levels. Two, antiandrogens are rarely just an antiandrogen. As opposed to hormones themselves, which are found in your body anyways and are "understood" signals for your genes (among other things), antiandrogens are operating based on how we develop their effects as pharmaceuticals. Does this mean they're intrinsically bad? No. Don't fall into a "natural is better" fallacy. However, it's worth noting that AAs can have effects beyond just androgen suppression because they're not an endogenous signalling molecule. One of these effects might be overall suppression of growth and development. That is wildly unconfirmed, I know transfemmescience disagrees and has a pretty thorough breakdown, but unfortunately there's too much variability in individual trans women's HRT regimens to have consistent studies on fine details like that imo. Again, this is my opinion as a patient, not as an expert.

Don't start progesterone too early. I'd say delay it more than the general advice. 6 months after good blood levels is probably good. Notably, it's probably not a good idea to start it 6 months after the first pill crosses your tongue. Wait for the levels. Probably not that big of a deal though.

This last one I'm incredibly reluctant to even talk about, but I've been coming to the conclusion more and more that it was a fairly major factor in my progress. I didn't do it intentionally but it 100% happened. And that is weight cycling. From January to August of 2024, I dropped almost 30 pounds from training for backpacking and actually doing rigorous backpacking for 3 months. I've gained back all of that weight since. Most of my notable soft tissue and appearance changes have happened as a function of putting that weight back on. This isn't just about chest or thigh growth. My face was thin at my lowest weight, and when I put weight back on, soft tissue in my face has grown back in with a far more feminine look. I do NOT like talking about this, though. Why? Because I think deliberately weight cycling is more dangerous and hurtful than it is helpful. Diet culture, counting calories, and constantly comparing your weight and progress to others is an easy way to an easier disorder. If you develop habits centered around those things, that will fuck up your life permanently. What would I recommend instead? High input, high output. Eat a LOT, exercise a LOT. Get into a steady state with that. It's much healthier long term. Remember, at best, weight cycling is an acceleration, not working towards better "permanent" results.

And uh, I think that's it? Again, keep in mind that the main ingredient is patience. All of this is about making things faster, not making things better in the long run. If any of this seems unattainable for you, then don't worry! All you gotta do is wait.

And again, not medical advice, not scientific rigor, just anecdotes and what worked for me.

I don't have a better way to end this other than good luck? And also that you're probably being too hard on yourself anyways.

[naomi-nana]

Firstly, your writing is amazing!! Secondly, this idea has been marinating in my head for weeks- Could you write how the housewardens would react to reader taking extra classes to get enough credits so they can graduate with the housewardens, so that they won’t be alone? Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, English is not my first language. Thank you!

✎ᝰ. just a little longer . twisted wonderland

in which you take extra classes to skip grades so you can graduate with them, but you ended up getting sick instead. how would they react?

featuring : housewardens (vice housewardens)

cw : gn!reader, might be ooc(esp vil, azul n idia because idk how to write for them), bad grammars, hurt/comfort angst

a/n : thank you, anon!! that means a lot to me T^T i changed it a little bit to reader becomes sick after all of that, if that's okay. thank you for the request! i enjoyed writing this!

RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

while he respects your diligence, riddle also knows where the limit lies.

when he saw how sick you were on his way to go to the headmage's office to submit a paperwork, riddle almost dropped everything to the ground.

immediately approaches you in full panic but also trying to stay composed housewarden mode.

"you look unwell. is it because of all those extra classes? i understand that you want to broaden your knowledge, but you mustn't pass your limit. it will not help you in any way. it will just burden you."

but when you tell him that it's all because you want to graduate with him, so you don't feel lonely? riddle breaks. he feels something in him starts to melt, but he doesn't know what it is. you're telling him that you did all of this for him? he feels tears starting to swell in the corner of his eyes, but he composes himself.

"don't ... don't say things like that. i'm not gonna leave you, love. even if i graduate first, that won't mean i won't contact you at all after that. so, there is no need to push yourself so far, okay? i still have around a year and a half here, too. so we'd have plenty of time to spend, and you won't feel lonely at all. i promise you that."

but if you insist on doing all those extra classes, riddle won't stop you. just expect him to offer to help you in your studies and also to check on you each time to make sure you have your studies and rest well balanced.

LEONA KINGSCHOLAR

he probably already knows what you're doing and what your goal is by accidentally eavesdropping on your conversation with one of your friends.

would say something like, "what makes you think i'll graduate this year?"

but if you actually come back looking all exhausted from all the extra classes you took, expect to have meals already served by the time you got to your dorm room. also, a little note beside it that says, "i ordered ruggie to do this but be ok"

that man ... be ok? seriously? even cockroaches can write better love letters. you sighed, sitting on the couch. and that's when you suddenly feel a random pair of hands sneaking up your waist. "what the-" it's leona.

"heh, you thought i didn't do jack shit didn't you? well, guess what? yours truly bought the ingredients himself and delivered it here. walking. where's your thanks, hm?"

you smack his hands away with a frown, but you did thank him in the end. how did he even know you haven't eaten at all? and did he seriously wait for you to come home for like, an hour? also, what the hell did he use to camouflage so easily with the couch?

"i appreciate your effort, but no need to worry your pretty lil' head over it. even if i graduate, you think i'll leave you alone?"

AZUL ASHENGROTTO

this man is both happy and worried sick at the same time. it's the first time someone made such a huge effort to stay by his side forever, since people usually go out of their way to not be acquainted with him back then.

but he's also very worried if one day you come back late, hair disheveled, clothes wrinkled, and eyebags so visible even floyd can see it from five nautical miles. he'd ask what the hell you did to have such a messy look and also have a mild fever at the same time with a really shaky voice.

would order jade to make you some tea and begged floyd to go outside to buy some medicine, any medicine, from sam's shop. "oh, thank the seven it is only a mild fever. what did you do for this to happen?! i didn't know that taking extra classes could result in ... ugh, but i guess if you don't take proper rest, it is bound to happen."

when he hears that you did this all for him, he absolutely breaks. "what ...? you shouldn't have ... look, listen, i- i'm not gonna leave you even if i graduate first, you know? i'll stay by your side, no matter what happens. so, don't do this again, okay?"

if you really want to, he'd offer to persuade the headmage to give you higher grades so you can easily skip grades, but of course, you refused. that same night, azul will stay by your bed until you fall asleep first. (he slept first instead)

KALIM AL-ASIM

almost stumbles and falls to the ground running towards scarabia's entrance when jamil says you're waiting for him there. how could he not? earlier today, you had texted him that you feel as if you're having a fever from the amount of studying you did. reading that text alone almost made kalim faint.

he was about to come and escort you to scarabia himself using his magic carpet, but jamil stopped him, saying that flight would worsen your condition. so kalim waited in the lounge, pacing around the room impatiently and also worryingly.

"name!" almost tackles you to the ground but stops himself and slaps his own face for almost making your condition worse. "oh, god! i was worried sick when you said you have a fever! let's come inside, okay? jamil already cooked hot soup for you!"

if you decided to tell him about your reason for studying and began to cry while doing so, kalim almost falls to his knees. "hey, don't cry ... i'll cry, too! hiks ... i'm sorry for making you feel so lonely ... i'll make it up to you somehow, so stop pushing yourself, okay?"

would feel really bad and also overthinks where he made you feel so lonely to the point you have to literally push your limits just to spend time with him. if you assured him it's not your fault, he'll hug you. "i'm sorry ... please don't scare me like that again."

VIL SCHOENHEIT

immediately knows because rook probably knows about it first somehow and couldn't keep his mouth shut

he would invite you to his dorm room and lightly scold you about it. "i understand you want to have better grades so you can skip grades, but seriously ... there is a better way to do it rather than throwing yourself to random classes that don't align with your interest." he sighed while applying his newly bought eye cream to your eyebags.

he would give you tips while scolding you to also take better care of yourself. but when he notices you're starting to frown at his words, his eyes soften for just a moment.

"name ... i do love you, you know that, right? i am telling you this because i care for you. i don't want you to become sick just because you don't want me to graduate first. i'm sorry if i ever made you feel lonely in our relationship to the point that it makes you do something like this."

he'd caress your face, run a hand through your hair, and kiss the top of your head. "the last thing i would want to do is for me to make you feel lonely, my dear."

IDIA SHROUD

what? you're kidding, right? you're getting extra classes for him? an antisocial weirdo like him? this is like, a super rare event that happens once in a lifetime!

all jokes aside, he'd be worried (and shocked) if ortho came barging into his room with you behind him while yelling, "big brother! name is sick because they've been taking extra classes!", then throwing you—gently—on the ground.

"w-w-what the?! ortho! d-don't just leave them here!" genuinely nervous and doesn't know what to do. but if he notices that your breathing started to become quicker and unstable, and you also looks like you're about to faint, he'll (try) to calm himself down.

then, he'll offer his bed for you to lay on. "d-do you feel better now? i can ask ortho to make tea ... if u want. uh, i heard from the headmage you've been taking extra classes. why tho? that's like, throwing yourself into a scary hard mode dungeon. i appreciate the dedication, tho."

if you told him it's because you don't want him to graduate first and leave you alone, he'll feel terrible. he feels bad that he's the cause of your suffering, and he's immediately convinced why someone like him doesn't have that many friends because of that.

"calm down, i didn't mean it that way. i just don't want to feel lonely, that's all. i didn't say that you were the one at fault." you'll have to reassure him over and over that this is all your wish and not his fault at all. he's also probably the type to stay by your bed while playing games until you feel better lol

MALLEUS DRACONIA

this man was absolutely mortified(and touched) when he finds out that you've been secretly taking extra classes just to skip grades and graduate together with him. not only that, you also get sick because of those extra classes. that's what makes him mortified.

when he first saw how weak and frail you become after a week of extra classes, he thinks that humans are so fragile and easy to break. but he also feels bad and would offer you to sleep in his dorm for the time being until you feel better.

malleus would also be the type to confront crowley directly just to ask some questions. even if this isn't connected to the guy at all, he just wants to hear answers from the headmage himself.

anyways, expect him to ask you questions too. like: "are you still having a fever? would you like me to make some tea for you? is this bed comfortable enough, dearest?" and so much more. he would also be running around in the kitchen by himself if you said you were craving for some soup.

(sebek would want to yell at you for ordering malleus around, but holds himself back because he doesn't want to make malleus even more stressed.)

he would often ask lilia what he should do when this or that happens, and of course, being the kind man he is, he answers the question thoroughly(not without a little bit of teasing, of course). malleus would also want to put a stop to your extra classes.

"beloved, i understand your desire to stay by my side, but i won't tolerate it if you become sick just because of that. if you do not wish to become lonely, you can tell me, and i shall be by your side the moment my name leaves your lips."

naomi-nana. do NOT repost, do not use (with or without permission), do not recommend or talk about my works outside of tumblr.

[cdlum]

I just wanted to say I think your art style is awesome! I was wondering if you had any tutorials on how you draw anatomy in your style (hips and legs especially)? Sorry if there's already one posted and I just didn't see it 🥲. Happy New Year :>

thanks for the kind words. i tend to draw people pretty stylized and then some so a good bit of artistic licence gets used. these tips are just what i use so feel free to take them with a grain of salt. with anatomy in particular you can kind of talk in circles because human/animal bodies are that complex so ill just zone in on the points you specified. here's a little image with a bunch of pointers:

the above image condenses a lot of the points I'd make, but basically the key parts are to start with the bare essentials and build up that complexity. using a line of action is a good way to get a quick, rough start. you draw a line out in the general direction of the pose and do your best to adhere to it to give the pose a sense of flow.

you can also draw smaller, thumbnail versions that throw a lot of caution to the wind but capture the basic energy of what you're going for. even having a tiny little stick figure version of your idea can make for a good guideline of where to take it forward.

when it comes to actual limbs, you wanna consider how they integrate and work together, kind of like how chains do. you can see on some of the parts of pear i've drawn out these wireframes to kind of portray how the mass of her legs works in a three dimensional space. for aspects like the waist/hips, i use that X technique i highlight above a lot, particularly for the lower torso. a lot of the times, even when drawing a character totally naked, imagining them wearing things like skintight underwear can help a lot to guide you in the right direction.

its also a good idea to consider things like gravity and weight to a degree. humans are essentially big meat sacks and gravity is always pulling down on that, but theres all kinds of aspects that effect that, such as character build or clothing. pear technically isn't naked in this, but i've tried to imagine her as such and take that into account.

if you are drawing digitally, don't be afraid to take advantage of the convenience you get with that workflow. you can retry and iterate on things a lot faster that pen and paper, and do things that aren't really feasible at all when it comes to editing and modifying your existing work. things like resizing certain bodyparts, instantly flipping the canvas, or using selection tools to completely adjust the positions of parts of your drawing. to give you an example heres a timelapse with all the little edits i made just to this demo drawing:

you don't have to use these techniques linearly, either. sometimes ill have a really solid idea for a piece in my head, and go back to basics with certain elements if they’re not coming out right or i just want to brush them up a bit more. some of the tutorial-y parts i added in i didn't actually use during the drawing but often do use so they're there just for demonstration. not every drawing i do starts as building blocks or a really basic version, often ill just start with a face and build it out from there.

i always encourage liberally using references (this can include yourself) and trying out stuff like life drawing or looking at things like existing photographs of real people/places/things if you can, the more you use learning material the better you'll draw up a mental inventory in your head that you can rely on more and more. some of these tips are things i've learned from other artists over the years (the chin one especially i remember seeing a tutorial about lol), so this is a lot of knowledge i've amassed from other sources over time myself. there are plenty of times ill use all sorts of reference material and its all in service of arriving at the final destination as smoothly as possible. learn by doing, as they say. hope this helps!

[bunnwich]

What kinds of things do people usually do for their birthdays? I don’t really know, will you help me figure it out?

Voicelines:

Summon: I wasn’t expecting everyone to make a big fuss but…I’m happy that you could make it!

Home: Before I go to bed I usually do something with my hair; saves me time in the morning. Grins

Home Transition 1: Hmm, this fancy lounge set showed up at my door the day before my birthday? I wonder who left it? Must be some sort of mistake. 

Home Transition 2: Savanaclaw apparently has no Vice Housewarden I’m staying here in their old dorm room. Got it all to myself! Come to think of it, Savanaclaw's got a lot of rooms that are empty.

Home Transition 3: Leona seemed pretty knowledgeable about this symbol on my sweater. Something, something about the mark of the Night Queen’s guard? He goes on forever about that stuff when we play chess. 

Home Transition - Login: Hey, I heard it’s a full moon tonight. Wanna sneak out and go see? There's a buncha cliffs in here where you can see the stars really well! 

Home Transition - Groovy: Now that I’m required to go to these dumb morning Spelldrive practices, there’s not much time to get ready in the morning... When I manage to roll out of bed, it's just enough to let out my hair and get in my uniform.

Home Tap 1: I may have the ex-Vice Housewarden’s room to myself but...it's a revolving door ‘round here. Sigh All these guys are always getting hurt somehow.

Home Tap 2: Yume gave me some new mini plant pots for my birthday! With the natural lighting in Savanaclaw it's a much easier environment to grow herbs for my potions. Plus...it helps liven up this dusty ass room.

Home Tap 3: Leona’s been acting weirder than usual, He acts like he hates parties but according to Ruggie, he’s never missed one at the dorm. What a weirdo…

Home Tap 4: What’s with the slides you ask? Don’t ask about the slides, okay? …It’s a long story.

Home Tap 5: If I have time, I’ll clean up my appearance in the morning for classes. You know, brush my hair out, maybe a little makeup. Look…mornings are rough for me, okay?

Groovification: Yawn It’s my birthday isn’t it? Thanks but- I’m gonna use it as an excuse to sleep in a little longer…

Home Tap - Groovy: In Savanaclaw it’s tradition for all the guys to come to the room of the “birthday boy's” at midnight. For such rowdy, boneheads the guys here have such soft underbellies…

Duo:

[YUU]: Ugh. What is it now, Leona?

[LEONA]: Hm? Can’t a guy help out his cute underclassmen, Yuu?

Birthday Login Message: Oh, yeah I guess it’s my birthday today. Shh, not so loud! The guys here are already so nosy. Oh, they're already planning something? And they invited you? Okay fine, what did you bring me?

Now that you're here might as well stay for the bonfire tonight. There'll be plenty of grilled meat…Yume’s bringing smores if we're lucky.  Here…the stars are brighter than at any other dorm. Heh, guess being out in the wild has it's perks sometimes.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hello mr. sex witch. 100% ok to discard if this is inappropriate or out of your wheelhouse. i love my husband very much and feel very safe with him, but i tend to dissociate pretty bad when trying to have sex. like, full on my soul leaving my body and floating a few steps away from it. it’s really distressing and makes me feel terrible because it makes me want sex less, which makes my husband feel like i must not be attracted to him or love him and i feel like an awful spouse.

i’m in therapy already, but it’s one of the hardest things for me to talk about with another person. it makes me feel dirty and shameful and disgusting every time i try. i love my therapist and have been seeing her for around 4 years now, but i just want to leap out of my skin anytime our sessions go anywhere near my relationship to sex, and i have a hard time even using correct anatomical terms to refer to my body parts when talking to her about it. i usually just slip into vagueries like “down there” or “that part” or “that area.” my mouth and throat dry up otherwise.

not at all asking you to diagnose me with anything, but i was wondering if there happen to be any good self-help resources you know of for moving past this? the things i have found in the past 10-ish years or so often feel sort of like “just look at yourself in the mirror and jerk off more and then one day you’ll magically get over it in one fell swoop,” and that’s never really felt like anything but dismissal to me. (i also acknowledge that i could be misreading the tone of some of these stories and guides because i’m coming at them from a place of pain and fear. may very well not be their fault.)

if you don’t have anything for something like this it’s okay, i don’t want to be annoying or a burden. you just seem really knowledgable and i thought maybe would know of something or other. if not it’s totally fine, i hope you’re having a nice day. thanks for your time reading this.

hi anon,

I want to be very delicate here, because I'm broadly opposed to offering diagnoses here especially when it's in an area that's very outside my realm of knowledge, and I really appreciate that you aren't asking me for a diagnosis.

having said that: virtually everything you're describing here, from the consistent dissociation to the physical distress response you experience when trying to talk about sex, sounds very much like a trauma response. I absolutely agree that most of the resources you've been finding likely aren't suitable to be helpful for you, because they're aimed at people who are feeling a little insecure in their body and not someone who has a deeply rooted distress response.

it sounds like the most well-equipped person to help you tackle this is a trauma-informed therapist. I obviously don't know anything about the therapist you see now, and I'm sure she's been able to help you in other ways, but it seems like you're having a hard time cracking this particular matter with her to make any positive change in the direction you want. if trauma isn't an area where she's able to work with patients, I think it may be very worth your while to consult someone more specialized to help you address this specifically.

I know that all by itself this isn't really an answer, almost certainly not the one you were hoping for, and is only a suggestion of more work and emotional difficulty for you, in addition to the potential costs of finding a second mental healthcare provider. I am sincerely sorry about that. I wish there was an easier solution I could provide, and I wish you the best of luck.

[yxngbxkkie]

mechanic's shop

this airport look gives me such mechanic vibes that i had to write something on it 🤭 this is actually really fucking cute, and i hope you guys like it 🩷

feedback is greatly appreciated 🥰

You're nervous. Extremely nervous. you park your vehicle in the mechanic shop's parking lot, eyeing the semi-large building. You've never been to the mechanics by yourself.

When you had car problems before, your boyfriend was kind enough to take it for you. Now that you're single, you have no choice but to take it yourself. You didn't know any friends who had car knowledge like your ex did.

A deep breath comes from your lips as you internally hype yourself up. “There's no one else here,” you talk to yourself, eyeing the empty parking lot. You shut your vehicle off before getting out, pressing the lock button.

You walk into the building, scrunching your nose at the dingy smell. You move to stand in front of the desk, tapping the bell they have sitting on the counter. You wait until someone shows up, slipping your hands into your front pockets.

“Can I help you?” A voice asks, snapping you from your internal thoughts.

You lift your head, your eyes meeting a pair of dark ones. “Hi,” you mutter, clearing your throat. “Uhm, I'm sorry. I'm new to this, uh, do you think you'll be able to look at my car?”

The man in front of you giggles while adjusting the black beanie on his head. “I can do that, yeah. Do you know what's wrong with it?” He asks, walking around the desk.

You hiss and cross your arms across your chest while leading him to your vehicle. “I wish I knew what it exactly was,” you sigh. “I was driving it home last night, and the steering wheel started to shake. Like, a lot.”

“Hm, okay. When you were driving home,” he pauses, holding his hand out to take your car keys, “were you driving at a low or high speed?”

You hand him your keys, unlocking the vehicle for him first. “It was a low speed. I think I was going about forty,” you answer his question.

“Okay,” he nods, opening the driver's side door. “I'll bring it into the shop and take a look at it. Oh, my name is Chris, by the way.”

You smile at him, nodding your head as well. “Nice to meet you, Chris. Is it alright if I wait inside?” You ask, jabbing your thumb in the direction of the building.

“Absolutely. There's water in there if you're thirsty,” he smiles before lowering himself into the seat.

“Thank you so much,” you bow your head, clapping your hands together.

You watch him drive your car into the shop before heading back into the waiting room of the building. You pull your phone out of your back pocket and take a seat in one of the chairs.

When checking your phone, you notice a text message from one of your friends.

From: Hyunie 🎨

Hey! What are you doing tonight?! Felix and I are going to a bar and want you to come with us! Please go 🥺

A chuckle leaves your lips at Hyunjin's desperation, shaking your head slightly while typing out a reply.

To: Hyunie 🎨

The only way I can go is if this mechanic job isn't costly 😭 Ya girl's car is fucked

You lift your head after sending the text, locking your phone right after. You watch Chris through the window in the shop, tapping your nails against the back of your case.

“Shit, he's really pretty,” you say to nobody, forcing yourself to look away from him.

The device in your hands vibrates, indicating that Hyunjin texted you back. You flip the phone over and open the notification, a louder laugh escaping your lips.

From: Hyunie 🎨

Girl, you need a new fucking vehicle I SWEAR 🙄 Felix and I will cover your tab! One of our friends is also coming, and I think the two of you would be so cute together 🫢

You groan, slapping your face with your hand. Another groan comes out not even a few seconds later. You thought he was done trying to set you up with people. You're dead wrong.

To: Hyunie 🎨

I thought we were done trying to set me up?? Hyun, remember what happened last time? 😭

From: Hyunie 🎨

I know! I know, but I PROMISE this time is different! He's a good friend of mine, and he's such a green flag

You tilt your head back, not knowing if you wanna put yourself through this again. The last time Hyunjin set you up with someone, you got stood up. Then, when you went to confront the guy, he insulted you.

To: Hyunie 🎨

If I don't like him in the first hour, I'm leaving 😤

From: Hyunie 🎨

DEAL, OH MY GOD! OKAY! Text me later if you end up needing a ride! Love you! 🥰

Another laugh escapes your lips after reading Hyunjin's text. “What a crackhead,” you giggle, pushing yourself up from the chair and moving closer to the window.

You slip your phone back into your pocket before crossing your arms over your chest as you watch Chris inspect your vehicle. He lifts his head, meeting your gaze through the glass pane.

You provide a shy smile, and he returns it, wiping his hands with a rag that was tucked in his back pocket. He walks over to the door that separates the two rooms, opening it before leaning against the frame.

“Good news and bad news. Which do you want first?” He asks with a smile, motioning for you to follow him.

“Am I… Am I allowed in here?” You ask nervously, following the man into the shop.

Chris chuckles and waves his hand. “I own the shop, so, yes,” he jokes with you, reassuring you that it was okay.

You mumble a quiet, “okay,” as you stop just before your car. Chris continues moving to stand underneath it. “I'll take the bad news first.”

“Bad news,” he pauses, grabbing the clipboard that's hanging from one of the metal poles. “I'm going to have to keep your car overnight.”

Of course, that'd be the bad news. You think to yourself and release a light sigh. “And the good news?” You question, clasping your hands together.

“Thankfully, your suspension is fine. The cause of the vibrations is because your tires are unbalanced,” Chris explains, causing you to blink at him in confusion.

“I–” you cut yourself off, not knowing what the hell this attractive man is talking about.

Chris chuckles and walks back over to you. He rubs your shoulder gently and goes over it again in terms you understand. “It won't cost very much either if you're worried about that,” he mentions, writing on the paper attached to the clipboard. “The reason you won't get your vehicle back until tomorrow is because my tire guy isn't here today. He comes in at eight tomorrow morning, and I'll have him work on your vehicle so I can get it back to you as quickly as possible.”

“I appreciate it,” you whisper, relieved that it won't cost you an arm and a leg.

“If you want to put your number on here,” he hands you the clipboard, pointing at the box where your number is needed, “I can call when it's all fixed.”

You nod your head, taking it from his hands. After jotting down your phone number, you hand the clipboard back to him. Chris thanks you before leading you back out into the waiting area.

“Do you have someone to call for a ride? I go on my lunch in a few minutes if you need to get home,” he offers, writing your information in the books.

“I can call someone,” you assure him, smiling. You pull out your phone again, clicking on Hyunjin's contact. “I thank you again for this. If you haven't noticed… I've never done this before.”

He chuckles while shaking his head. “It's okay! I'm glad that I was able to help you,” Chris mentions, leaning against the desk.

You bow again before leaving the shop. You call Hyunjin's phone, pressing the device against your ear.

“Hey, Y/N, what's up?” His voice comes through the receiver.

“I need a ride,” you pout, releasing a giggle afterward.

Hyunjin laughs as well, hearing Jisung in the background. “Okay! I'm gonna send Hanji because I need to finish this. That's okay?” He asks.

“That's fine. I'm at,” you pause, glancing towards the sign. “Five-Star Auto.”

“Oh, okay! I'll let Jisung know. He's putting his shoes on,” he mentions, hearing him tell Jisung where you are. “He's on his way! I'll pick you up tonight at six, okay?!”

You laugh and agree before the two of you bid each other goodbye.

-

You're running around your apartment, trying to finish getting ready before Hyunjin arrives with Felix. You're nervous to find out the person Hyunjin's setting you up with. All you hope is that he's nicer than the last guy.

Your phone goes off, quickly checking it to see a message from Felix. Shit, they're here. You send a text, telling them that you'll be down in a minute.

After checking yourself in the mirror for the fifth time, you slip on some shoes before heading to the lobby of your apartment building. You speed walk out the main doors, finding Hyunjin's car immediately.

You slip into the backseat, greeting the two men sitting up front. “Thanks again for picking me up,” you chuckle, tucking loose strands of hair behind your ear.

Felix turns in his seat, smiling at you as Hyunjin pulls back on the road. “We're super excited that you're coming out. It feels like we haven't hung out in forever,” he laughs, his gaze going from you to Hyunjin.

“That's because it's been like a month,” Hyunjin groans, glancing at you through the rear view mirror.

“I'm sorry,” you laugh, combing your fingers through your hair. “I took the breakup pretty hard.”

Felix hums, nodding his head. “He was a dickhead. You didn't deserve any of that,” he sympathizes with you.

“It's okay,” you reassure the blonde, placing a hand onto his shoulder. “I've realized my worth, and he's not worth my tears.”

Hyunjin reaches behind you, patting your bare leg. “I'm so proud of you!”

The drive to the bar doesn't take very long. Twenty minutes max. The three of you walk into the dimly lit place together, keeping your hand on Hyunjin as you work your way through the crowd.

“The person I want to set you up with is already here,” Hyunjin almost screams, making sure you hear him over the music and patrons.

You feel yourself getting nervous as you look around. When Felix finally finds the table your mystery date is sitting at, you peek over Hyunjin's shoulder to get a good look at him. A sharp gasp leaves your lips as you find yourself looking at a familiar face.

Chris. You move to stand beside Hyunjin, showing yourself to him, and you watch his eyes widen. You shyly smile, waving your hand cutely.

“Hi, Chris,” you giggle, feeling the tips of your ears grow warm.

Both Hyunjin and Felix's jaw drops, their eyes dancing between you and Chris. “Wait, you know each other?!” Hyunjin asks, wiggling his index finger.

Chris moves over, patting the spot beside him for you to sit. You sit down in the booth, resting your arms on the table. “We just met today, actually. She brought her car to the shop,” he explains as the duo sits across from you two.

“I figured you would've put two and two together when I told you I needed to be picked up from there,” you laugh.

Felix slaps Hyunjin's arm, a playful scoff coming from his lips. “You pabo,” he laughs as well, standing back up from his seat. “First rounds on us!”

The two leave you and Chris alone, disappearing into the crowd. Silence fills the space around you, fumbling with your fingers.

“You look really pretty,” he compliments you, his eyes trailing down your body.

You blush at his words, dipping your head down. “Thank you,” you say loud enough, leaning into him slightly. “You look pretty handsome yourself.”

Chris giggles, becoming a blushing mess as well. Another moment a silence happens, and you kick yourself that you can't find anything to talk about.

“I'm sorry I'm a little awkward,” you tell him, turning your head to look at him.

He shakes his head, and he smiles softly at you. “It's okay. I can be a little awkward too,” he says, meeting your gaze. “I haven't been on a date in over a year, so I'm a bit rusty.”

“A year?” You ask in disbelief. How has this gorgeous man been single for over a year? You think to yourself, leaning your head against the palm of your hand. “You're such an attractive guy. I'm honestly shocked.”

Chris laughs some more, finding yourself giggling at how cute his laugh is. “You flatter me, really,” he says shyly, running his fingers along the column of his neck. “I work a lot, so I don't really have time for a relationship. Plus, the last person I dated kinda fucked me up a bit.”

You feel for him, being in a relatable situation yourself. “I get it,” you inform him, your lips formed in a tight smile. “I had something similar happen to me recently. Hyunjin's been consistent in trying to set me up, so I'll be happy again.”

“Am I the first one?” Chris asks, his hands slowly reaching out towards yours.

“Unfortunately, no,” you groan, flashbacks of the past two people you saw. “But, I will say that you're my favorite so far.”

He grins ear to ear, the tips of his fingers brushing yours. “Yeah? Then, I'm glad,” Chris giggles.

You allow him to play with your hand, getting butterflies as he drags his fingertips along your palm. “Has anyone told you just how adorable you are?” You sigh, feeling yourself falling for him already.

“A couple of people have,” he answers, his gaze steady on your conjoined hands.

“It honestly makes me want to kiss you,” you whisper to him, not sure if he heard you.

Chris’ breath hitches in his throat, slowly lifting his head to see your eyes on him. “I mean… I won't, uh, you can if you want,” he stammers over his words, his ears turning red.

You're surprised he's going with it. You didn't know if you're moving too fast, but he seemed to feel the same way you do. “I don't want to make things uncomfortab–,” you attempt to say when Chris cuts you off.

His lips find a place on the corner of your mouth, the words dying on your tongue. Your heart pounds against your chest while squeezing his hands. You blink a couple of times as Chris pulls back.

Your free hand moves to the nape of his neck, pulling him back in. Your lips connect with his, finding yourself scooting closer to him. Chris releases the old on your hand, resting it on your bare thigh.

The kiss only lasts for about thirty seconds, pants leaving your lips afterward. He rests his forehead on yours before giggling softly.

“Your lips are soft,” he whispers, stroking your thigh with his hand.

Someone clearing their throat causes the two of you to pull away from each other. You glance to your right, seeing Hyunjin and Felix standing at the end of the table. Hyunjin smirks at you while sliding your drink in front of you.

“I take it you like him,” he says with a laugh, wiggling his brows.

You press your lips together and glance back towards Chris. “You did good this time,” you giggle, leaning into his shoulder.

~

tagging: @strawboorybunny @reddesert-healourblues @spacegirlstuff @moon0fthenight @foxinnie8 @like-a-diamondinthesky @prettymiye0n

[adhbabey]

Let's talk about some lesser known symptoms of autism! Maybe this will help some of you get a broader perspective on what this can be like. There is a whole grab bag of symptoms of autism, but here are some ones you may not know that you have.

Focus on truth

What does this mean? Well glad you asked. This is the focus on facts and logic rather than anything else. People have shown this as autistic people may refusing to lie because it goes against what they find as true. But that's not always the case.

Have you ever used logic to try and figure out your emotions?

Are you someone who doesn't understand why others may speculate when the current knowledge is right there? (such as subtext versus canon knowledge or theoretical arguments)

Do you find it frustrating when others avoid their problems as a way to avoid figuring out negative things? (such as avoiding conflict in a friend group)

Is it easy for you to talk about your strengths and flaws? Do you know your likes, dislikes and limits pretty well?

High context communication

This is preference on details and the full context of any situation. Often going into great detail and backstory to anything.

Do you feel as though you need to overexplain to give the person everything they need to know?

Have you ever apologized to someone by explaining the deep and meaningful reasons of why you did it, before you said you were sorry? And maybe even felt upset or confused why they reacted badly?

Have you ever felt stressed out because you wanted to give others full detail but they either interrupted you or cut you off?

Are you stressed out by people who tell you what to do and not why they want you to do it?

Are you ever told that you talk back a lot?

Do you prefer recipes versus verbal/vague instructions? (All the things that you need such as ingredients, measurements, prep time, etc.)

Do you really like watching deep dives and knowing about the whole history of something you're even vaguely interested in?

Identity diffusion

This is not everyone's experience, and it is common in a variety of other disorders such as DID and BPD. However, it is when you do not know who you are in regards to others. This is also known as identity disturbance.

Have you ever felt like an outsider without knowing why?

Are you deeply interested on what other people think of you? Especially if it's all the time?

Do you really like taking personality tests and quizzes? Are you interested in horoscopes?

Do you feel like you don't fit in any one specific group? Either being a loner, or hopping in between many different groups?

Do you ever feel weirder than the "weird kids" group? Do you not really get along or feel like you belong with them?

Do you have low self esteem when it comes to comparing yourself to your friends? Do you feel like they're better or more capable than you?

Do you feel drastically unimportant and not as interesting or cool as everyone else?

Have you ever related to narratives surrounding a character that is the last of their kind?

Do you feel like your identity is a vast and gaping void, that even if you learn a little bit, that you'll never know everything?

Internalized repetition

This is one of those traits that not every autistic person experiences, but that some might. You could say that for all autistic traits, but hey, good to know regardless. Because of internalized repetition, you may not do many external stims, besides vocal.

Do you listen to a song over and over again? Perhaps having a playlist on repeat?

When stressed out, do you type the same word or phrase over and over again?

Do you like looking at the same things, such as the same color or the same artist's works?

Do you really like certain patterns, crystals or aesthetics?

Do you enjoy games with recognizable fighting patterns? (Such as character rotation, boss battle rotation, etc.)

Struggling to connect to others *

This is something that's been characterized by struggling to connect to others through their emotions, but the opposite is actually true for many autistic people. *I will be talking about those who struggle to connect to others who are emotionally distant or unavailable. Being emotionally distant or not showing emotions externally is a trait that many autistic people share, but for those without alexithymia, they may struggle to understand why anyone wouldn't like to talk about their emotions. I don't know the specific symptom term for this, so please bare with me. If anyone would like to inform me about what this is called, please tell me.

Do you struggle to talk with dry texters, or tend to over-examine people's tone through text?

Do you have anxious attachment?

Do you feel disconnected with many other autistic people and struggle to make friends or talk to them?

Do you feel embarrassment or shame with being emotionally sensitive?

Have you fallen down the rabbit hole of things like starseeds, star children or empaths?

Do you want to talk about serious emotions a lot, even when its not appropriate?

Do you trauma dump or wish people would become more emotionally intimate with you? Do you enjoy it when people share their deep traumas with you, even if it's triggering?

Are you constantly reassurance seeking?

There is plenty more symptoms out there, and these are just a few that stood out to me, because I think I may be autistic. I've always related somewhat, but never connected the dots. But there are reasons for that, such as identity diffusion and thinking I'm different from everyone else no matter what. I struggled because I didn't seem to have a lot of the outward and visible symptoms that were often talked about. I thought every autistic person had alexithymia, when that's just not true. My best friend, who has similar symptoms to me, along with another close friend of mine, have a similar presentation of autism. And it's taken quite a bit for me to accept or process. I feel like I'm faking my experiences just because I've self diagnosed before. And I'm angry that ADHD isn't given enough significance.

But I think I might be autistic, and this article that I based this post off of, confirmed it. So here's my post informing and coming out on that. You can be autistic and highly masking without actually knowing what's going on is masking. You can be autistic and have a spectrum of verbality, you can be autistic and struggle to connect to anyone who isn't immediately emotionally intimate with you. You can be autistic and not relate at all to other autistic people.

You're not alone.

[cesienthusiast]

Warmth: A Dreemberd Fanfic

Chapters: 1/1 Word Count: 1.5k Fandom: Deltarune (Toby Fox) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Pairing(s): Kris/Berdly, Kris & Berdly Tags: Fluff and Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing Body Heat, Literal Sleeping Together, Written Pre-Chapter 3 & 4 (no spoilers please), They/Them Pronouns for Kris, Not Straight Berdly, Guilt, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Kris Speaks (technically selectively mute I suppose?), Kris & Berdly are not Okay, Bonding, Friendship/Love, Secret Crush, One Shot, No beta read we die like Lancer almost did in chapter 2. Summary: "You're just… spot on, everything you've said about me." they admit. Berdly can't lie, Kris' admittion just now made his heart sink, and it only got lower and lower the more they went on. Kris looks like they're trying their hardest not to cry, and Berdly just feels terrible now. "Kris… all those things I said… I-" "Yeah, I know. You don't need to expla-" "I never meant them. Any of them." he clarifies. ---------- Kris has been away from their team for a while now, so Susie sends Berdly out to go searching for them.

Ao3 Link Here

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Kris wasn't anywhere to be found. At least not in front of their conga line of teammates, leading the way as their great leader, that was. Susie was getting worried, so she politely asked Berdly to go and look for them, and Susie usually never does things "politely" so that was an astounding cause for concern for Ralsei. Berdly wasn't as close-knit to the rest of the friendgroup yet, so he wasn't as knowledgeable of Susie's personality as the rest of them, he just assumed this was her normal way of asking favors.

Oh the poor fool, as he'll soon come to find out…

He went a little ways back from where the rest of the group was chatting things up, Kris isn't the type to wander very far away from their friends most of the time, Berdly has noticed. And he's noticed a lot of things about Kris ever since joining the group, possibly more than they have he thinks, but of course HE in particular would think that.

It still kind of bothers him to admit, but he and Kris have gotten pretty… close, to say. Not close as in they regularly kiss behind their comrades' backs or whatever, but close as meaning intimate; in a way that Kris isn't with any other of their team.

Of course, this treatment pleases Berdly. It boosts his pride whenever people treat him special to others, especially ones he's come to care about. But as he's done with his thoughts, Berdly finally finds Kris sitting alone by a cliffside not too far away as expected… shivering.

Berdly grows concerned on instant seeing them in the state and quickly approaches to their side. He looks down towards Kris, waiting for them to stand up so he can lead them back to their group. But they won't stop shivering… or rather, maybe they can't stop shivering.

It's likely, and Berdly knows it's likely, so that's why he sits down next to them; arms crossed. Kris is sort of curled up; as in they have one leg slumped, and another still standing with an arm resting over it's knee. Their head is using the rested arm as a makeshift pillow for comfort. As Berdly looks towards them, he sees it in their eyes… sorrow.

Berdly is used to Kris looking like that, they've looked that way every time the two of them have seen each other after all… but this time is different. This isn't the typical, "Kris is gloomy and anti-social" demeanor that he's accustomed with. No, this time… they simply look… defeated. Sad and defeated by life.

Berdly knows that look, and can surely empathize with it himself. Perhaps he should let them know that… it might help them more than he thinks it will. But just as he opens his mouth, Kris beats him to the speaking punch.

"Berdly… hey, what's up?" they say.

Kris speaking was something very rare back in the day, but he's been around them enough by now to have heard them speaking more frequently. It's still uncommon for certain, but not gasp-worthy any longer. Berdly takes a moment to clear his throat before responding.

"Ahh, Kris… didn't notice you there. The team's wondering why you're over here instead of where they are again." he explains.

Kris laughs. It's hardly anything genuine.

Then, they sigh. And decide to remain silent for the time-being. They don't feel too comfortable speaking out loud, that much has been clear to him from the start. Berdly opens his beak to speak again.

"You-"

"I can't face them right now." they interrupt.

Rude, but Berdly will let it slide because they're clearly upset for a reason.

"Oh yeah? Why not?" he questions.

Kris takes a deep breath, struggling to maintain their typically neutral expression as glimpses of a genuine frown become noticeable between their lips. The ever-so-slight squinting of their only visible eye being another indicator of their hidden feelings.

"I uhh… don't know it entirely myself, actually." they answer.

Berdly scoffs into a laugh, he can't help himself. That lie was so blatant that even a child would be suspicious of it.

"Please Kris, that won't work on me." he says.

Kris glances over towards him, clearly taken aback by his words.

"Huh?" they quietly exclaim.

Berdly shakes his head disapprovingly. Obviously, Kris is smart, possibly the smartest individual Berdly knows besides Noelle. So to hear them come up with such a blatant lie so easy to see through makes him feel… slightly miffed. But he pushes the feeling aside, just in case he's wrong again.

"I think you're lying. And I also think you're hiding how you really feel from me." he accuses.

Kris attempts to act coy in the moment, but drops it almost immediately when seeing how ineffective their deception is. All they can do now is sigh and let their frown be known.

"You're right, as always…" they say.

"Hah, why thank yo-"

"You're right about a lot of things, aren't you?" they continue, interrupting yet again.

One of Berdly's greatest pet peeves is when people interrupt him, but he stifles his annoyance purely for Kris' sake. Although, they're only so lucky because they're so pitiful right now. And they also complimented him just now, so how can he be angry in response to praise? It's simply unbefitting of him.

"You were right about where to go, you were right about what we should've done…" Kris says, clearly stalling.

They pause, not wanting to conclude this train of thought. But Berdly's looking at them too expectantly for them to just quit now. So they gulp it down, that feeling of sorrow overwhelming them. They don't want to appear too weak after all, not in front of him.

"And you were right about… most of all… me." they admit.

The way Berdly's facial expression shifts from one of expectant curiosity to one of perplexity is telling of how he feels about what Kris just admitted.

"Wait, what? How was I… right about you?" he questions.

Kris can't help but smile at the bird's ignorance. And Berdly can tell there's nothing joyful about that smile they're currently wearing.

"You were right about how I'm an idiot, you were right about how I'm worth less, you're just… spot on, everything you've said about me." they admit.

Berdly can't lie, Kris' admittion just now made his heart sink, and it only got lower and lower the more they went on. Kris looks like they're trying their hardest not to cry, and Berdly just feels terrible now.

"Kris… all those things I said… I-"

"Yeah, I know. You don't need to expla-"

"I never meant them. Any of them." he clarifies.

Berdly is giving Kris a look that they've never seen from him before. He looks… totally serious. None of that "know it all" snark, or that charmed exaggeration, just completely, honestly, serious. And yet, despite the way he looks, Berdly can't help but laugh a little.

"Honestly, I thought by now that you'd have known not to care about what that annoying, bully of a birdbrain had to say by now…" he says, sucking back a couple light tears from omitting out his eyes.

Kris looks back at him, smiling. They begin laughing too, and their smile looks genuinely happy this time. Even though it's not that pretty, full-toothed grin smile Berdly has only seen once before, it's perfect enough for him. He's just glad to see Kris looking to be in better shape now than they were two minutes ago. Their laughter expands, but remains light, and it's beautiful while it lasts.

Kris sighs again. "Thank you Berdly. I'm glad it was you who came and found me."

Berdly looks at them with skepticism, and a raised brow chalk-full of suspicion.

"Is that another lie?" he questions.

Kris shakes their head, making full-on eye contact with him at this point.

"Nope." they say bluntly.

Berdly can't help but smile and blush himself, flustered by Kris' sudden kindness. He really still isn't used to being treated like this by them, as good as it feels. Suddenly, Kris scoots closer beside him, laying down their whole head weight over his feathery shoulder. Now THAT'S gasp-worthy right there.

Berdly's eyes now awkwardly shy away from them, as Kris' shut entirely, while wrapping their arms around him. This further serves to shock Berdly, but he's quick to get over it, as Kris' warmth eases him into a state of relaxation. They're warm, so warm… much warmer than they appear. It makes him yawn.

"Alright Kris, that's enough. I'm getting tired now… how about we go back to the others and-, …K-Kris?"

He looks over and Kris appears to be fast asleep. Berdly is left in a quiet state of contemplation for a moment, before being overcome by emotion. He cries a few light tears before brushing them aside. It feels good to be wanted… especially by someone you love.

"Ohh, fuck it…" Berdly mutters.

He embraces him back, leaning his head atop Kris' as they huddle together into some sort of sleepy blob of mass. As his eyes blink to a full shut, he himself can no longer refuse a good slumber. They feel much better now that they're no longer shivering, after all.

............

⬇️BONUS!!!⬇️

"HA! Oh my god, this is hysterical!! Ralsei quick! Get a camera or something, I have GOT to get a picture of this." says Susie.

"Susie!! Just let them be! They're clearly having a nice bonding moment! Lord knows that Berdly needs it…" says Ralsei.

"Oh my… I never knew Berdly wasn't straight…" says Noelle, with amazement.

"Aww, look at them! Sleeping as peacefully as two plump, cutey pumpkins, rolling down the patchy hills!" says Lancer.

"What The Fuck Am I Doing Here." says Queen.

[i-wanna-write]

Never Again - Daryl Dixon x Reader

Prompt: Reader was at work when the outbreak happened, leaving them separated from their spouse. But, through luck and survival, they find eachother

Takes place during season 1

Warnings: some cuss words. Probably some inaccurate timelines cause I haven’t watched season 1 in ages. Awkward Glenn. Crying Daryl.

All the Flufffff

Word: 2170

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You stare at the flames in front of you, a blanket wrapped around your shoulders while you fiddle with your knife in your hands. The group you joined only hours ago talk quietly among themselves, wise to keep their voices low to not attract the dead. Rick, the small town sheriff you met a week ago, sits next to his wife with his son in his lap, whom he was finally reunited with, details of his time away from them.

Just a day ago you were fighting for your life in Atlanta, killing the already dead with the small town sheriff by your side. You’re grateful for your past and your knowledge of weaponry as that is a needed skill for survival now. The hunting knives and guns you found now act as an extension of your body, allowing you to protect yourself and stay alive.

You never thought a day would come when those who die would not stay dead. That you would have to stick a knife in your coworkers or patient's skulls to put them down. That you’d hear the crack of their skull as you punctured it to reach their brain so they’d stay down. That you’d be separated from your family, separated from your person.

Yet here you are.

“New girl,” a voice sounds from your right. You turn your gaze from the flames to meet Glenn’s eyes, they Asian kid you owe your life to. “Tell us a little about yourself. I feel like we only know your name.”

‘That’s cause that’s all I shared.’ You think to yourself.

His statement causes the whole group to look at you and you feel a little anxious at all their eyes. You were never one to be the center of attention. You always enjoyed talking one on one and were never a fan of groups. You’ve always been closed off and hesitant to open up to others, yet now everyone seems to want to know more about you.

“Um,” you begin. “Well, you all know my name is Y/N and I found Rick a week ago. Before than I was just on my own trying to survive I guess.”

You’re not really sure what to say, not knowing what information these people want. You just met them today. Sure, you trust Rick and Glenn, but feel so out of place compared to them. Glenn seems to know and get along with everyone and Rick has his family and best friend with him. You don’t have anyone.

“What’d you do before all this?” Shane asks. Ricks best friend, small town deputy, and appointed leader of this group.

You sigh, figuring that the sooner you answer their questions, the sooner the attention is off you.

“I was a Physician's Assistant in the ER at a hospital.” You reveal.

Shane whistles. “Damn, so you're a doctor then?”

Everyone seems to get excited at the idea of having a doctor in the group.

You shrug. “Not formally but I guess. I would treat those that came into the ER and had past rotations in the OR, assisting with surgeries. But I always liked the front line and helping people get to the surgery. Not during or after.”

Everyone seems to nod at that answer, seeing the sense

It’s quiet for a moment and you’re glad, hoping the conversation is over and a new one will be picked up.

“What about your family?” A blonde asks.

You look over at her and think it’s Andrea who asked it, or Amy. You’re not quite sure but know they're both blondes and sisters.

“I’m an only child and both my parents have been dead awhile.” You state, not getting into the details.

“What about a boyfriend? Fiance? Husband?” The other blonde asks. Now you think this one is Amy, the younger of the sisters. “I mean, you’re so pretty. Were you single before all this?”

You can feel everyone’s eyes on you even more, if that is possible. You begin to feel your heartbeat increase and your throat begins to feel as if it’s going to close. This is the question you didn’t want to be asked.

“Yeah, you mentioned you were looking for someone.” Rick chimes into the conversation.

Your hand automatically flies to your necklace, fiddling what’s around the chain. So many memories come back to you at once and you feel your eyes fill with tears.

“I-“ you clear your throat, trying to keep the tears at bay before taking a breath to calm yourself. “Yes. I mean no, I wasn’t single before all this. I’m married.” You reveal.

“What?” and “You’re married?” and “I’m so sorry.” are heard all at once.

You close your eyes to take another calming breath, opening them to only stare back at the flames.

“Yeah.” You whisper. “I’m married.”

You can't stand it. You know that if you look away from the fire you’ll see it - the pitying glances. Their looks of sympathy. Rick just reunited with his wife and son and you can’t help but feel jealous, wishing it was you and your husband who were cuddled around the fire instead.

“If you’ll excuse me.” You say, rising to your feet and walking away, needing to get away from the group.

You walk towards some tents, not quite knowing where to go but knowing where you currently don’t want to be. You feel so jealous of Rick and shame fills you because of this. Rick risked his life to help you and vice versa. He’s not only a husband but a father. He deserved to find his family again. He was a sheriff before all this and was shot for Christ sake. He deserves to have found them.

But you still wish you found him.

“Hey.” A voice says.

You turn and see Glenn.

“You probably don’t wanna talk, but I’m here if you wanna…” he trails off.

You smile gratefully, now know what to say.

“You can crash in my tent tonight - not with me of course! I’ll sleep in the RV. Cause, you know, you’re married. Well obviously you know your married but I just mean-“

You cut the rambling kid off, smiling again but this time in amusement.

“Thank you Glenn.” you say, raising your hand. “I appreciate it.”

The kid smiles back and guides you to his tent where you step in and lay down, sleep immediately taking you.

————————————————————————

You wake up to raised voices and immediately grab your knife from under your pillow. You open your eyes and see blue, the past day coming back to you. Atlanta. Wearing a dead man to blend in. The group in the woods. The conversation by the fire.

You sigh, bringing a hand to your face and wiping the sleep from your eyes. You don’t think you should stay with this group. While everyone is nice and open, you feel - you know - that your husband is still out there. You know you’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t find him. Whether walking alive or walking dead.

“Hey.” A voice sounds, causing you to quickly turn, knife raised. “Whoa, sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you.”

You’re face to face with Glenn, his head pooping into the opening of the tent, his eyes wide and arms raised. You lower the knife quickly and swallow, glad you didn’t almost kill the poor guy.

“We let you sleep through breakfast since we figured you’d be so tired.” He begins to explain. “I figured the fighting may have woke you up, guess I was right.”

“What’s going on out there?” You question, pulling the blanket off of you and beginning to rise, your back popping from the night of sleeping on the ground.

“I forgot you weren’t with us yet when we were on the roof.” Glenn begins to explain, motioning for you to follow.

You stand up and exit the tent with him. You’re both standing away from the main clearing where all the action is and you’re glad, never being a fan of drama.

“We were on a roof to escape the dead and handcuffed one of our group to it. He was a real ass. And racist.” Glenn starts. “His brother was out hunting and just got back so we had to tell him we left him behind.”

“You saying you left a racist asshole cuffed to a roof surround by the walking dead,” you question, eyebrows raised and hands on your hip

You have no idea how these people were still alive. Their survival levels are next to non existence.

Glenn’s face turns pink and he ducks his head. “He was high out of his mind!” He starts to defend. “You never met Merle but he -“

“Wait who?” You ask, your heart beginning to pound so loud you hear it in your ears.

Merle. Racist asshole. High. There’s no way that’s a coincidence.

“Merle.” Glenn says cautiously as he notices your reaction and starts to get nervous. You can’t possibly know this guy, right? No way this guy is the husband you’re looking for, right? That’d be bad. Not only would they have an angry Daryl to deal with but and angry you as well.

“And his brothers name is…” you trial off.

“Daryl.” Glenn says, motioning for you to follow him towards the fight.

Daryl. Daryl. Daryl.

Merle, racist asshole high out of his mind with a brother named Daryl who was hunting. Hunter. Your Daryl is a hunter with a brother named Merle who also happens to be a racist asshole that's always high.

This is just one large, almost comical, coincidence right? There’s no way this groups Daryl could be your -

“Daryl?” You whisper to yourself as you reach the clearing.

There, in the middle of the commotion, is your husband. Looking just as he did when you saw him weeks ago, only dirtier. Wearing a green tank top and jeans, his hair is still just as short, reaching just long enough to curl near his ears.

‘Hes here.” You think to yourself. ‘He’s alive.’

…And he’s being held in a chokehold.

“Chokehold’s illegal!” He yells and you can’t help the sob that escapes you at the sound of his voice.

“Best file a complaint.” Shane growls back at him.

You don't care what they’re fighting about as you start running towards them. Your legs move the fastest you ever think you’ve ran, so happy and oh so grateful he’s here. He’s alive.

“Daryl!” You yell as you run towards as Shane lets him go.

His head moves faster than you think humanly possible as his eyes lock on you.

“Y/N?” He questions, as if he’s hallucinating and this is just a nightmare. His brother left behind for dead and his wife finally here and safe.

But he soon realized it is real as your body collides with his.

“Daryl!” You sob, your arms immediately wrapping around his neck and jumping into him so your legs can wrap around his waist.

You burry your face in his neck as sobs now escape you freely. Weeks of not seeing him, not knowing if he was dead, walking dead, or alive have finally led to this moment. You finally have your husband back in your arms.

You take a deep breath in and breathe only Daryl. Gasoline mixed with vanilla and spice. You can feel his skin stick to yours due to the heat but you don’t care and just squeeze tighter. Arms wrap tightly around your waist and you feel every inch of Daryl’s body against your own, so happy he’s in your arms again.

The onlookers watch in confusion, happiness, and shock as Daryl Dixon - who was just screaming at everyone in anger - drops to his knees with a women in his arms. They watch as the usually grumpy man appears to cry tears of joy as he buries his head into the neck of the women in his arms.

“Y/N.” Daryl whispers as he squeezes tighter before pulling away to look at you.

Your eyes meet light blue, more gorgeous than the sky during a sunset and you see the tears running down his face, knowing you match his expression. His hands reach up to cup your cheeks before one of his thumbs moves down to stroke your lips.

“You’re here.” He breathes

“You’re here.” You repeat, a bright smile on your face.

“I looked for ya. I did. I wanted to stay at the house for ya but Merle-“

You cut him off. “It doesn’t matter. Cause you’re here. And I’m here. And we’re here. And I’m never letting you go. Never again.”

Daryl leans in, his lips crushing against yours in a kiss that makes your toes curl. You don’t care that everyone is watching. You finally found the person you were looking for. The person that's been there with you through good times and bad. Your person.

Daryl pulls away, his eyes staring into yours as he whispers with your lips so close you can feel his breath upon yours.

“Never again.”

•••

Please lmk how it was!!!

💜 Kenzie

[rallamajoop]

An absurdly detailed analysis of That One Soldat Photo

Hang around wintersberg fandom long enough, and you'll likely run into a popular crack-theory that, since Heisenberg obviously thinks that building a set of huge, yellow-painted signposts is a good way to point Ethan to the Stronghold, maybe it's Heisenberg who's been leaving all those handy, yellow-painted supply crates all over the place for Ethan to find! It's exactly the kind of fun nonsense I'd enjoy if it didn't feel folks are starting to take it a little too literally (by which I mean I have now read multiple fics in which it's played completely straight ‒ and, like, people do get that it's just a crack theory, right? Like, why would Heisenberg have left so many yellow crates around his own damn factory? Look, you don't have to explain every last game mechanic, not everything is lore!)

But as anyone reading my own fic would know, I'm guilty of echoing the idea that Heisenberg-was-leaving-stuff-for-Ethan myself ‒ just not because of any yellow-striped crates. No, I'm way more interested in this one weird soldat-photo you can find in the village ‒ long hours before you'll ever see your first Soldat in the flesh...

Very creepy. And if you turn it over, you'll find a clue to a puzzle you'll have to solve in order to progress.

(And of course, when you do look out the window, odds are you'll get jump-scared by a lycan just when you're focused on the numbers, because RE8 loves that sort of misdirection ‒ but I digress.)

Anyway, the code you can see out the window will open a safe containing a jack handle you'll need to move a vehicle in the village, as well as the M1911 pistol (which will very likely be your go-to handgun for the rest of the game). The game is full of conveniently-helpful clues like that (heck, most games are), often with no obvious Watsonian justification. And there are other photos around the village ‒ Luiza has a whole photo album ‒ but photos of experiments created by Miranda and her lords don't generally turn up outside their own territory.

For a player exploring the village for the first time, that photo is a lovely little bit of foreshadowing, hinting at monsters and factory stages to come. But on replaying with full knowledge of Heisenberg's later attempts to get Ethan on his side, that Soldat photo is just enough to make you go, huh... did Heisenberg leave that for Ethan? Like, on purpose?

You can find another copy of that photo later, in Heisenberg's factory, along with his notes on his early series Soldat experiments. Which doesn't really prove anything beyond the fact that assets exist to be reused... but it does at least make it pretty canon that Heisenberg has photos of his Soldats sitting around.

Possibly also significant: both the clue photo and the factory documents are tagged 'geekmemo' in the game files. Most everything related to Heisenberg in the files is labeled 'geek'-something ‒ it seems to be an early nickname for his character that lasted well into production. Everything in the factory is geek-something, even the model for the passageway from the altar to the bridge is labeled 'pathtogeek'. Considering that so many soldat-related assets are already labeled 'geek', maybe that 'geekmemo' tag doesn't really tell us anything we don't already know ‒ but it certainly doesn't work against the idea that Heisenberg wrote that 'memo' himself.

Besides, it's not like there isn't precedent for this kind of thing. RE7 had a whole mechanic where you'd have to find 'treasure photos' pointing out the location of a few rare and useful items, all with "I hid something here" written on the back. We're never explicitly told who left those photos lying around, but it's obviously Lucas: he loves playing games, he loves taunting prisoners with the possibility of escape, and who else would it be? The complete population of the Baker mansion is like 6 people and a bunch of semi-sentient mould.

Over in RE8, there are a lot more village resident who might have left that clue lying around. Like it or not though, Heisenberg is very much RE8's equivalent of Lucas: the family's wildcard show-boater who loves making Ethan jump through hoops for his amusement. So how does the game let us know it was Heisenberg who left this particular clue? Well, who else would leave a message on the back of a Soldat photo?

There's may be additional supporting evidence Heisenberg could be involved ‒ most notably the location, being a locked-off cul-de-sac labeled 'Workshop' on signs and maps. The area is full of metal junk very much like you'll later see lying around the factory.

The workshop location does have other relevance ‒ it makes sense that you'd find the jack handle in the village workshop, whether Heisenberg was involved or not. But it also stands to reason that if there's anywhere in the village proper where Heisenberg might hang around and leave clues for Ethan, the workshop is it. And you have to admit that leaving Ethan useful stuff in a safe along with an easy clue that will likely get him jumped by a lycan is 100% more in-character for the guy than just leaving useful stuff out in the open, even if it doesn't really prove anything either.

There's one more weird-little does-this-mean-anything detail: there are three dead crows near the safe too.

It's not the first time in the game you've seen dead crows (there were a bunch outside the village, and I've talked about what that might mean in the context of Miranda's cult before). But I don't remember finding any others around the village itself, other than in this one spot. And instead of being hung from trees like a ritual sacrifice, these ones are just dead ‒ messily, and with blood everywhere.

Now, maybe it doesn't mean anything, but is there anyone in the village more likely to vent his frustrations by violently killing a few of Mother Miranda's avian avatars than Heisenberg? I'd think not.

In conclusion: I still don't think all those yellow crates have anything to do with Heisenberg. And I still don't know for sure whether the RE8 development team wanted me to assume that Heisenberg left Ethan that photo, jack handle and gun. I don't know if we're supposed to read that Heisenberg keeps a workshop in the village and sometimes kills crows out of spite. But the evidence sure does point that way ‒ and it's as valid an interpretation as anything else you might take from this game.

[ethosiab]

I’m. So normal about the team Canada au. So normal and definitely not about to combust. Really just the most normal a person could possibly be. Perfectly still and certainly not vibrating out of my skin. I am. Calm.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please say more I must know about the little dudes I will not survive the winter

i believe you . you're soooo normal.

i, however, am not. long rambles + art under the cut

plot-wise, the AU is predominantly centered around the two Ethos—the 'original', who works for the Script Foundation and donated his DNA to their clone research for a little extra cash, and 404, an escaped clone and one of the more successful results of said research. The Script Foundation is a scientific/medical corporation, among the many in the system looking for a cure to death. To get around their inability to experiment on human subjects, they developed the cloning program, to develop realistic human bodies without the consciousness that brings in ethical issues (spoiler alert this does not happen).

When 404 escapes, of course the Script Foundation wants them back. A bounty is put out for them, and the Etho's put on a team to help bring them back. Etho, Tango (ship mechanic, Etho's only friend), and Joel (bounty hunter, does not want to be here) spend their time hunting down 404, and running into many issues along the way.

On the other side of things, 404 spends only about 3 hours on the run before they run into Pause and Beef. There's a lot of weirdness here, 404 doesn't recognize Pause and Beef beyond a sense of deja vu, and Pause and Beef think 404 is Etho (who they have not seen in years and have presumed is dead). I'm writing a fic for this scene, actually. long story short team canada takes 404 in, and agree they can stay with them for a bit.

From this point on, there's a lot going on for both sides.

Etho's face is plastered all over the city, it's a pretty high bounty, and he probably gets mistaken for 404 multiple times before the information gets updated with a photo of 404 with the scar. Joel and Tango have to work together to rescue him after he gets captured by rival bounty hunters

404 gets beef and pause to call them that, because they don't want to be etho (and the confusion that would come from using that name is immense). they aren't etho. they're not entirely satisfied with going by their number designation though, but they've got nothing better

pause and beef continue to grapple with the fact that A: etho is not dead, B: the guy that looks like Etho, who is currently sleeping on their couch, is not actually Etho, and C: they're helping a wanted criminal

The two of them do briefly consider handing 404 over, with the logic that they shouldn't have any attachment to them since they're just a clone, not actually their friend. They can't bring themselves to, though.

404's scar is from a knife to the face- when they first met beef and pause, 404 had no idea who they were. they were scared, and intimidated, and those two were acting way too familiar with them. they attacked pause, and he retaliated. it just so happened that pause was armed, and trained how to fight, and 404 was...not.

luckily, 404 heals quickly. a cut to the face that should have taken minimum of a month to heal, and should have been fatal without medical attention, resolves itself in a few days. ...that's probably why the script foundation wants him back, huh.

Team canada are able to keep the knowledge that theyre harboring a fugitive on the downlow by being known bounty hunters- they've generally got good standing with people.

in fact, 404 just helps them with bounty hunting. They have the time of their life doing this shit. pause and beef love having them around too (it makes them wish Etho had agreed to join them doing this, all those years ago).

team canada are having a lighthearted and fun time, things go wrong but they escape trouble and everything ends alright. that's their vibe.

for etho though, everything keeps going wrong it's almost comical. everytime they've got a lead and almost catch 404, something gets in the way. in my head this au really is just a space opera anime in a similar vein to cowboy bebop, so etho and the gang are like the very unlucky villains.

tango and joel are constantly bickering. a big point of contention between them is that joel wants to fly the ship, because this is his mission and he was hired to do this, but Tango won't let him because its his ship and he's not going to let some bounty hunter drive it. Etho is so tired.

404 does not wear a facemask like etho. in fact its just a generally stressful time for etho to have his face well known everywhere. he doesn't like people seeing his face, and while mostly its an anxiety thing during social interaction, after so long of keeping it private, its really unsettling having to see it everywhere.

Joel's mostly in it for the money to pay off his debt, Tango's there because he's worried about Etho, and Etho's doing it because he thinks he has to. He hasn't really had a life seperate from the Script Foundation in years, it's all he knows. for him, this is about finding out what he's being made to do it fucked up, and the choice to do something about it.

It's about seeing this happier and more free version of himself, and choosing to help them instead of feeling the resentment he wants to. (Look at this person who is meant to be you. they are experiencing the joy you never got with the people you turned your back on. you realise you've never gotten that, you've been hiding from yourself for your entire life because you've been scared of upsetting the quota. you've been settling for mediocrity when you could've had so much more. Are you going to allow them that?)

also 404 might figure out theyre trans so that's a really fun thing for etho to find out about himself through his clone.

yeah i think the genres here are very different depending on whether you're looking at it from 404 or from Etho's pov lmao

and this isn't even getting into the shit about genetically enhanced humans, or cyborgs.

okay you've made it this far, have some sketches of the ethos as reward. these are from probably a mid point in the plot, i was playing with the idea of 404 being able to grow their hair our for a few months after escaping.

[apple-onigiri]

I need to know why nobody is talking about the fact the King chose the title of King.

I read that dialogue discussing why the King is called that and went "Oh, so the forgotten island is a monarchy" and assumed everyone thought the same but apparently not (at least from what I've seen, I joined the fandom quite recently so if I'm wrong and this was a more common theory in the past please tell me)

I've seen some people say the island has knights because of the King's armor and read that post about how the people of the forgotten island are wizards and wizards only became fictional after the island was forgotten which only confuses me more about why nobody says the forgotten island has a King, I thought we all agreed that knights, wizards and secret princes/princesses all go together.

It's cool that most fanfics describe the island as this place that's super advanced and developed and are much more knowledgeable about everything than everyone else but the high fantasy alternative has so much potential.

People who wave around intricately carved sticks for no other reason that it makes them feel more confident when performing Wish craft, armies that are just King's lookalikes that fight by punching people and growling so loud you actually receive damage, Queen Elizabeth canon! Queen Elsa canon!!!!!

I'd talk more about the forgotten island hierarchy but I literally have no idea how any of that works, fantasy books that keep mixing counts and dukes do not help.

ohhhh interesting!! yeah, no, i myself haven't seen that anywhere :o it's a v intriguing avenue for interpreting the island

i think i myself didn't think of that because of what the focus on stars implies for me. cougghhs. sickly so

so there is a pendulum-like trend in culture's history that you can observe where the general temperaments shifted either towards reason and science or religion and the soul, the shift being ruled by historical events and people growing tired of the status quo. it's. yk what i'm just gonna. translate, uh. here

this is a lit class now. i guess. this stupid thing is just etched into my brain because i've seen it so many times, so it's easier shown than explained. somehow, there is no english version of this that i could find. but we move

knights and princesses and kings, despite persevering past medieval times, are most reminiscent of that era to me, and yeah science didn't really have it nice back then what with all the concealment or even destruction of ancient sources. vast steps in the field of astronomy had been taken within eras more concerned with furthering the entirety of human knowledge, like the ancient times or the renaissance. since the islanders are both so culturally focused on the universe and have such a vast knowledge of the stars, it seems reasonable to jot them down as a society focused on reason a lot more. they don't even pray to the universe, really! they just call upon it with requests!

so yeah, hence me not really connecting the dots on the king's name meaning anything else other than him deciding he knows best and making a unilateral decision to Freeze The Whole Country for uh. looks at smudged ink on the back of my hand. Greater Good. or whatever

or, funnily, in my fic (which will someday come out, i so prommie) it's because he took it from the cepheus constellation's meaning. i have a system in that fic where middle names are patron constellations. i do indirectly drag the king for it in the form of siffrin scoffing at the idea lmao

but aah it is a cool concept, what you're talking about!! there is a lot of potential in a monarchic society, and for high fantasy on the island for sure! :o especially with all the wish craft involved, which is just wanting something to pretty please happen really hard if you think about it. i especially like the concept of fckin carved sticks being used to channel it fjdhj hmmm tho to be fair, i don't think odile really needs specifically her book to craft but she holds it when she does anyway, so it might be a part of a universe-wide need for a focus... gahh this is interesting!! thank you for the ask!

[jujumin-translates]

[A3!] Sakuya Sakuma | [SR] My Heart I Want to Send to You | Because You're Precious to Me

TV: “Next up is a special feature. Here are some of the latest trends!”

Juza: …

*Door opens*

Sakuya: Oh, Juza-kun. Don’t you have school?

Juza: Nah, lecture was canceled.

Sakuya: Gotcha.

TV: “Today’s theme is White Day! Here’s a collection of the most popular sweets as of late!”

Juza: !

Sakuya: (Juza-kun is watching so intently… But those sweets do look really good.)

Juza: …That parfait’s real good. ‘N those chocolates ya can buy as souvenirs to take home are real good, too. I recommend ‘em.

Juza: I see! That’s incredible that you know so much, Juza-kun.

Juza: Nah, it really ain’t that much…

Sakuya: …

Sakuya: …It really is almost White Day, huh?

Juza: ? …’S somethin’ the matter?

Sakuya: No, nothing’s wrong or anything!

Sakuya: It’s just… I’ve already decided on what I’m gonna give back to the people at my part-time jobs, but I still don’t know what I should give the Director…

Sakuya: I just get kinda stuck around this time every year.

Sakuya: I’d like to ask everyone else for help, but I’m sure they’ll think of something and then just give it to her themselves, so I don’t know if I should ask everyone every time…

Juza: I don’t think that’s that big of a problem.

Sakuya: Really?

Juza: I don’t think anyone’d have a problem with that.

Juza: …I mean, I asked Rento-san ‘bout it before.

Sakuya: Rento-san?

Juza: Yea. Apparently, he’s been gettin’ a lotta chocolate for some time now ‘cause of his job. That’s why he’s so used to White Day.

Juza: If you’re strugglin’ to ask people, why don’t ya you try talkin’ to Rento-san, Sakuya?

Juza: Plus, he ain’t someone from the dorms, so he’s prolly the perfect person to try talkin’ to.

Sakuya: Yeah… I guess you’re right! I’ll try asking next time I see him.

Juza: …Also, it ain’t really advice or anythin’, but I can help ya out too if ya want.

Sakuya: Wait, really?

Juza: Yea, if my knowledge can be useful to ya.

Sakuya: Thanks! I’ll do my best to come up with something to give her.

Juza: Cheerin’ for ya.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Izumi: Alright, I guess that’s about it for the meeting. Thank you so much, Akashi-kun and Rento-san.

Rento: Yeah, thanks much.

Akashi: Thank you… very much…!

*Door opens*

Sakuya: Um… Excuse me!

Izumi: Sakuya-kun? What’s up?

Sakuya: Wait, Director!?

Sakuya: (What do I do? I came to the theater to see if Rento-san was here now, but I didn’t think the Director would be here too…!)

Sakuya: Er, umm… Well… There’s something I wanted to ask Rento-san…

Rento: Me? What’s up?

Sakuya: Ahh, umm… Well, I wanna talk to you about something…

Akashi: …

Rento: (Is there some kinda specific reason?)

Rento: Sorry, Director-san. Can ya give us a minute?

Izumi: Huh? I can, but… Well, just give me a call if you need anything else.

Rento: You bet. Thanks~.

*Door closes*

Rento: Aight, what’s up?

Sakuya: Ah, it’s nothing, just, umm… Well, I wanted to ask you about what I should give the Director…

Rento: Well, damn~! So you wanted to talk about White Day! So that’s why ya couldn’t talk with Director-san around~!

Akashi: T-Thank goodness. I thought there might’ve been… something bothering you, Sakuya-san… What a relief.

Sakuya: Ahaha… Sorry about that.

Sakuya: Juza-kun said that you might know a thing or two, Rento-san. Something about you getting lots of chocolates for quite some time now…

Rento: I mean, there’s just a lotta people involved in this kinda job~. That’s why I’ve gotten so many.

Sakuya: I never thought about it like that…!

Akashi: That’s… amazing… I don’t… get that many, though…

Rento: I mean, they were all just ‘cause of social obligations ‘n all that.

Rento: How do I put it… It’s just doin’ the polite thing, ya know? It’s easier to give somethin’ to someone ‘cause you’re obligated to~.

Sakuya: It’s easier with people you’re obligated to give something to…

Rento: I mean, pretty much. If you’re gettin’ stuck like that, at least it means ya care about her.

Sakuya: …!

Rento: If I’m bein’ honest, my advice prolly isn’t gonna help ya. If you’re talkin’ about someone who’s precious to you, that is.

Rento: You got somethin’ to add, Akashi?

Akashi: Oh! …I don’t really… have anything…

Akashi: B-But… I’m sure that… anything that you come up with… will bring a smile to her face, Sakuya-san.

Rento: Anyway, you don’t gotta worry. I mean, ya can just keep askin’ people until you’re satisfied, can’t ya?

Rento: You’ve still got until White Day!

Sakuya: …You’re right. I’ll try thinking about it a little bit more!

· ❀ —– ٠ ❀ ٠ —– ❀ ·

Sakuya: Hmm…

Kasumi: Ah! Sakuya-kun!?

Sakuya: Kasumi-san!?

Sakuya: Wow, what a coincidence. Are you out shopping too, Kasumi-san?

Kasumi: I am. I’m looking for sweets to give to everyone in my department.

Kasumi: But more importantly, you looked pretty troubled while looking at that sweets collection—.

Kasumi: Could it be that you’re once again looking for a gift for that person who’s so precious to you…!? (1)

Sakuya: Actually, I’m just trying to pick out a gift to give to her for White Day…

Kasumi: WHAT!? C-Could it be that she’s your significant other…!?

Sakuya: Ah, um! I just want to convey how thankful I am to the Director every day for always looking out for me…!

Kasumi: Ah, I-I see…! Ahaha, I guess I just misunderstood you.

Kasumi: But affectionate feelings like those are definitely important. I’d love to help you out if you’d like!

Sakuya: Thank you so much! As of now, I’ve just been looking around at these shops that Juza-kun told me about, but—.

Kasumi: What!? This entire list is from Juza-kun!?

Kasumi: That’s incredible. You could do several magazine features just based on this list alone…!

Sakuya: I’m sure all of them are delicious, but every one of them has its own special characteristics, so I’m really lost on deciding which to go with…

Sakuya: Akashi-san also told me that “my feelings are important,” but that honestly just made me even more lost…

Kasumi: …

Kasumi: Sakuya-kun, I’m sure that…

Sakuya: ?

Kasumi: What you choose is important, but more than anything, I think what’s most meaningful is that you yourself give it to her directly, Sakuya-kun.

Sakuya: That I…

Kasumi: Besides, if you’re not able to express how thankful you are to the Director the way you want to—.

Kasumi: Simply “wanting to convey how you feel” is already a kind of gift itself.

Sakuya: Kasumi-san…!

Kasumi: I mean it. Your actions have more influence than you think they do, Sakuya-kun.

Kasumi: I was able to finally take a step forward, thanks to you. You see? I’ve experienced it firsthand, so how could I possibly be wrong?

Sakuya: …Thank you so much!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Sakuya: Director… Will you please accept this? It’s a White Day gift for you.

Izumi: Aww…! Thank you, Sakuya-kun.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Choose!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Option 1: What’s inside?

Izumi: The way it’s wrapped is so cute. What’s inside?

Sakuya: All the cookies and macarons looked really good, so I was kinda lost on what to get, but…

Sakuya: This time, I ultimately went with chocolates!

Izumi: Hehe, you must’ve given it a lot of thought.

Sakuya: Actually, I tried talking to a bunch of different people because of how lost I was.

Sakuya: But it’s thanks to everyone’s great advice that I was able to finally pick something out for you myself!

Izumi: (Sakuya-kun really put a lot of thought into choosing something for me. I really am thankful.)

Option 2: Is it chocolates?

Izumi: Is it chocolates inside?

Sakuya: Wait, how’d you know?

Izumi: Because of the wrapping paper. This place is famous for its chocolates.

Sakuya: Actually, the store worker let me sample some, so I had a little bit, too, but… It was really good!

Izumi: I see! I’ll have to take my time and savor them then.

Sakuya: Yeah! I’d be really happy if you ate them with care!

Sakuya: So yeah, there are chocolates inside, but… I really just wanted to let you know how I feel by giving them to you.

Sakuya: I really am thankful for you every day, Director. If it weren’t for you, I’m sure I would’ve lost my mind by now. 

Sakuya: That’s why I truly am so happy to be able to put my feelings into words like this. And I’ll keep trying my hardest so that I can express how thankful I am again next year—.

Sakuya: Director. I hope that you’ll stay by my side for a long time to come.

Izumi: …Hehe. That was kind of like a proposal.

Sakuya: Ah!

Sakuya: Umm… Well—.

Izumi: I hope so, too. To the Fleur Award and beyond.

Izumi: That’s why I’ll be relying on you.

Sakuya: …Yeah!

Sakuya: (I hope my feelings were able to get through to her, even if only a little…)

• • •

T/N:

(1) Reference to Sakuya’s White Day card backstage from last year.

[osakanone]

On mental health, and lost childhoods:

Things I wish I knew in my teens, my 20's or even my early 30's

I got carried away with a comment-reply in response to this video which I found pretty dire, so I'm including it here. I hope some of you find it useful.

What you're experiencing is a kind of dysthymia and its very common for people to experience in their 20's and 30's (the hardest years of their life) where they unlearn all the over-compensation that being a teenager surrounded by other emotionally clumsy teenagers brought you. What you have to do is become less guarded and embrace new experiences.

You're looking to objects to get the feeling, when you should be looking to feelings to get the feelings. Part of growing up is thinking you an run away from bad feelings and not accidently amputate the good feelings too and then wondering why you don't feel anything -- or even as much.

You have to accept that if you want the highs, you must have the lows. You must feel vulnerable to also feel euphoria because vulnerability is where acceptance is born and kinship and bonds are made. It begins by figuring out when the magic stopped, and going back to that place mentally and figuring out why it stopped. Trauma is a thing everybody experiences -- usually when we're let down by someone important, or someone we trusted and we don't fully heal properly.

Like physical trauma, the obstruction must be removed so the body can heal itself, and so too is the case with the mind. Sometimes that means doing childish things to get into that mental space so you can have those really big really emotionally draining thoughts.

When folks say "love yourself before others will love you", what it really means is you have to value yourself enough to know if the way others treat you is fair or not, to not let people be unfair to you.

This doesn't mean reacting with violence or anger, or shutting people out or using your power it means telling them that you're not okay and diplomatically dismantling what they do to you -- and then when all peaceful means of diplomacy end, you move to unpeaceful means to protect yourself.

Likewise, it also means not just assuming that you like yourself, and not just assuming that you're a good person so you ask if you are actually in the wrong so you weigh things up fairly. If you feel guilt, or you feel like a bad person, process that, figure out why that is.

If you have some gap of "But I know I'm X" but "I feel Y" which contradict, you have knowledge, and understanding in conflict. You only turn knowledge into understanding with repeated practice, so it becomes engrained as part of you -- and likewise, this is how you also unlearn bad habits, with the help of those around you -- which begins by helping those around you. When you start feeling, people will want you around, and you'll stop being lonely, because everybody just wants to feel witnessed, and acknowledged and to do that, you have to be a feeling human being who doesn't cast judgement to placate some ego.

These difficult emotions will absoloutely make you cry and they will make you angry, but you must feel those emotions to break the blockages so you can flow properly as a human being, and so your emotions can come freely and so the world can be enjoyed sincerely again without hedging expectations to protect yourself that risk robbing you of your future joy. The real lesson of finally growing up is that like Peter Weller says, you need to be strong enough to be gentle.

Being hurt takes strength. Folks who hide and run away from their emotions are weak, or are in situations where it makes them vulnerable and others will capitalize on it to hurt them. Those are situations you must leave if you ever want to be happy.

Being a child isn't being naieve, its being open to oppertunities and being willing to experience some really low lows to find those highs because you didn't "settle" for a life on some "Once in a Lifetime" Talking Heads life-plan track that everybody has laid out for you through implicit non-explicit social signalling shit like 2.4 kids, a wife, a car, etc etc. The sooner you get that and you figure that shit out, the sooner you'll sort your shit out. The kid was not eager to grow up to be who you became.

That doesn't make them naieve, it means you failed them, and you're putting the blame on them. You can't do that. It will poison and kill you by making ANY emotion you associate with the kid (even good ones) be seen as threatening to your concept of self now so you cannot have those emotions in the present. Its a contradiction. You cannot have it both ways. Like Carl Rogers said: When you accept yourself just as you are, only then can you change. You must know your current location to figure out which direction will take you to a destination.

That means accepting the parts of yourself you have trouble with: If you don't, you'll never work on them, and you don't improve. Every carpenter accepts the facts of their material. Every artist, every sculptor their canvas or their clay. Every engineer, the limits of their scope. You must be this way to live skillfully. It sucks. It hurts. It means yeah you probably get dealt a bad hand, but you're not quite down and you're absoloutely not out. Pick yourself up and try again. You are worth it, even if every cell in your body tells you that you're not because its easier for it to be some bullshit foregone conclusion to forclose your entire life to "I guess this is it then". The moment you do that, you're already dead.

Everything you've been trained to do to protect yourself is there to turn you into a worker who doesn't complain, who can't network with others, who is isolated so your employer can take advantage of you -- where you just shrug and say "it is what it is". As absurd as it sounds, It doesn't have to be that way. Welcome to emotional availability, and welcome to the rest of your life.

Source: Just turned 38, and this is the best lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. I strongly advise you follow it. I went from obsessing over the old Armored Core games trying to recapture nostalgia to finding personal projects that let me find new joy that isn't locked in the past. Just as there is nostalgia, there is also a kind of neo-stalgia, a longing for the future. Try to find futures you care about.

Y'all take care. You're in my thoughts, and you deserve the world even if you've gaslit yourselves into thinking you don't.

That you are still here when so many others aren't is worth celebrating.

You don't know me, and I don't know you but you beat the statistics, and I'm proud of you.

Godspeed, Spartans. To the moon and back. o7

[sparrowrye]

The Archivist's Oath || Chapter 12: deep, dark, and desirable

Synopsis: Vox makes an interesting proposal

Master List

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The temperature in the room dropped. "So," Vox's voice was smooth but with an edge to it, "tell me about your bunker? Is it the exact same as our old Archivist?" He guided—pushed—me to the desk filled with loose metals and strange objects I didn't understand.

"I wouldn't know," I answered calmly. "I've never seen another bunker. Just mine."

He lifted his eyebrows. "Really? Then how'd you become an Archivist?" He leaned his hip against the counter and cross his arms over his chest.

My words were careful and deliberate. "I was raised as one. I grew up reciting my oath."

"How many people were in the bunker? Rumors say it could sustain ten people."

"Maybe once upon a time, but not anymore. All the technology died well before."

He hummed in response with a nod of his head, then stared off into the distance to think about his next question. It gave me time to look around the little room. I could see old batteries, fans, wires, and even computers that were working. This guy...he was an inventor.

"Al said he found you alone." Vox pulled my attention back to him. The use of his nickname wasn't lost on me. "Must've been a tough life. Spending your existence with dusty old books, preserving ancient knowledge for a future you can't even imagine...seems rather lonely. No one to share those heavy secrets with?"

I knew the coming implication. "It's my family's legacy. I wasn't very keen on sharing it."

Vox chuckled and leaned a hand on the counter. "And now here you are, sharing it. With Alastor no less. How's he been handling things with you? Everyone knows he's not the patient type."

I swallowed, reading well into what he was trying to learn. "He...has his ways. But...I think he understands why I need to take things slow." Despite Alastor's transgressions towards me, I wasn't keen on painting a bad picture of him, especially considering the warning he gave me beforehand.

"Taking it slow..." Vox repeated. He straightened up and brushed a blue claw along my hair. "You must be the first person to ever slow him down. Impressive, really. But I wonder what else you're good at...influencing."

I stepped back, eyes falling to the floor. "I-It's just the nature of the work. Texts get old and worn out. They have to be handled carefully and translating an Old World language is really complex. It's just more—"

"Of course—" he cut me off, "—I can't help but wonder if there's something else to it. Al is a determined man, but is it the work that's slowing him down or is he...distracted." He touched the edge of my jaw and pulled it up. It was then I realized his blue claws were actually metal.

Every single muscle in my body turned to stone as he leaned in close to my ear. "It's quite a feat to have a man, such as Alastor, so wrapped around your pretty finger. But you're not here because Al couldn't find someone to guard you. You're here because of your lack of progress."

He pulled away to look at my stunned expression. His smile wasn't as sharp as Alastor's but it made my skin crawl nonetheless. "...What?"

"Oh, he hasn't told you?" He stepped backwards and sat on a stool by his desk, resting his chin in his hand.

"Told me what?"

"I originally asked to have you in my district. I've got all kinds of Old World tech that just needs quick translations. Tech that could make life easier and more comfortable for the people of Pentagram city. And tech that could actually save it."

I waited for him to go on. The puzzle pieces were on the table and now I was putting them together.

"But everyone believed that Al, of all people, could break an Archivst the fastest." Vox tilted his head further and looked me up and down. "Until he failed to produce results."

I shifted my weight between my feet. My legs were on the verge of visibly shaking.

Vox's smile widened. "For someone who grew up reading Old World language, you're really bad at it."

"My pacing is the same as when I was in the bunker." I hated the way my voice began to shake. "It's very hard to read it and translate it into our language. There's so many factors at play, not to mention some pages are really worn and I have to—"

"Al may be willing to give you time," he interrupted again, "but I am far too excited to have so many of my questions finally answered. And...well...I prefer a more hands on approach." He tapped his claws on the counter to enunciate his point.

He suddenly stood and fixed his shirt. "We've only got a few a days together. And I'm sure you know this will go by much faster and smoother if you cooperate. For now, I'll show you where you'll be staying."

I followed him down the short hallway to an empty room. It had a small bed, a moldy desk, and a closet that looked like it was falling apart.

"I'll be back to take you to dinner. You can start your work tonight."

Then he shut and locked the door.

~*~

I found myself having less of a moral and ethical debate regarding the translations Vox asked of me. They were simple objects with directions on the back that posed no real threat to Humanity's future. At least, I thought so.

Some of the objects were things like a mechanical box to reheat food, a charger cable, a speaker, and a thermal scope among other things. I took my time on each, writing on the small pieces of paper he gave me and pretending it was difficult to read some of it. Vox liked to ask similar questions as Alastor did about the art of translating. I was grateful translating languages wasn't a widely known skill because I was able to convince them it was far more difficult than in actuality.

Vox sat next to me tinkering on a device while I translated a manual. He had a magnifying glass on a movable stand to help him see the smaller things, such as wires and tiny screws. He was picking apart a solar panel from a solar powered lantern. He was deathly quiet but obviously watching me whenever he took a break.

I, on the other hand, was having a much harder time with the manual he had given me. The cover showed two little mechanical orbs on the front. The title said "Airpods" and the first few pages told me they were wireless headphones.

The problem, however, were the immense amount of words I didn't understand. I usually had a dictionary with me but I wondered if these obviously coined terms would be in it. It made the translation a challenge to decipher and I didn't bother to write any of it down yet, trying to read through it to get a better grasp on how it worked. It would also allow me to gauge what I should and shouldn't translate.

"You've been quiet, Archivist," Vox broke the silence. "Very focused. Maybe something Alastor would find interesting that you don't want to tell him?"

I ignored the jibe, looking at him with a neutral, rather bored expression. I had learned rather quickly that Vox enjoyed drawing out my emotions, whether that be scared, frustrated, or even curious.

"It's nothing Alastor would care about," I said with a sigh, turning the page. "It's just a user guide. It doesn't talk about the mechanics of it at all."

"I'm surprised you're still reading it, then." He went back to his solar panel. There had been numerous guides and manuals Vox had provided that were practically useless to him, so he didn't ask me to translate them.

"It just...amazes me that our ancestors were able to create such incredible objects, but they weren't able to create anything on a large enough scale to save them. But then again," I flipped past two worn out pages, "the damage had already been done generations before."

"What do you mean?"

Something pleasant flickered in my chest. "Well, it wasn't just one big catastrophic event. The world had been slowly dying and society was just...a mess. No technological advancement could save a race that couldn't even come together to save itself. Their sense of community...it just wasn't there."

Vox was quiet for a moment. He had stopped working to look at me but my eyes were on the manual. It seemed his usual air of smugness and authority were amiss today. "I wasn't expecting an Archivist to have that spark. A spark like mine about...fixing the world."

I looked up, meeting his gaze that wasn't sharp or invasive, and saw an opportunity. "You mentioned before that you just started tinkering with Old World tech. What got you into it? Was it plain curiosity or something more?"

Vox saw right through my guise but, not to my surprise, went along with it. "Curiosity, sure. I mean you have to have it if you're going to spend hours in a metal box trying to fix broken things. But...it has always been something more."

I was silent so he would continue. I didn't even close the manual for fear of drawing his attention away from the memory.

"I lived on the outskirts of the community here. Back when it wasn't a city. I was...well, I didn't always get along with everyone. I tried but...I just wasn't interested in the things everyone else liked. I was always bored. Once I found Old World objects, not even tech necessarily, but just objects. Once I found those and started piecing Humanity's past together, nothing could interest me.

"And then...one day..." He took a breath and looked down at his device. "One day a storm caused a landslide. I don't remember why I wasn't at home but...my parents were. And they didn't make it."

The silence hung thickly in the air. I saw the way his fingers dug into his sleeve. Carefully, I said softly, "That must've been awful to experience."

"Yeah well...most people lose a parent or two when they're young. My neighbors took me in and tried to get me to eat but nothing worked. Then," he laughed to himself, "fucking Alastor came by with a radio. He said he found it and thought it might interest me. I hadn't found anything new in the past month so it was like candy. I started eating again and obsessed over that thing."

"So then...you're the inventor of the radio."

"Eh," he bobbed his hand in the air, "I didn't invent the thing but I did fix it. I learned about electricity and power but the thing was just static. A horrible constant noise of nothing. I thought I had botched it. But then...Alastor had gone out on one of his expeditions and said a community was using radios to talk to another community. It was the first one we absorbed since Lucifer came into power. I learned how the radios worked from those communities and we started building the radio towers.

"Alastor...he uh...well, he supported me," Vox continued. "He convinced Lucifer to let him build towers in regions we hadn't absorbed communities yet. He spread it so far out and...well, you know the rest." He began poking at the small wires again.

"So...Alastor saved you in a way."

Vox shrugged. "Eh. The radio was my first big project and I felt like I was actually contributing to the community again. He was there to convince Lucifer to start building the Technology District and...one thing led to another."

I was piecing bits of their history together in my big puzzle. "This whole district...you built it from the ground up?"

He casted a smile my way. "Quite literally. The communities we absorbed had their own little secrets that we learned. I learned how to mine for resources and how to melt them into something useful. It always amazed me what knowledge Humanity has managed to hold onto."

This city was fairly new, that much I had gathered, but it seemed like the kind that should've existed for generations. Somehow they had managed to do it in less than the span of my lifetime. And it all came from curiosity and survival. They had taken the information from smaller communities and put it to use for a greater good.

But no. I had seen glances of the workers in Vox's district. They were just that: workers. They didn't live or enjoy life. They were there as physical labor and I had a feeling that's where most communities ended up.

"Sounds like you and Alastor were close," I broached the topic carefully, "but not so much anymore."

He gave a dry chuckle. "I suppose you could say that. We were just two lost souls trying to make a difference in a world that didn't give a damn. But things changed. They always do. And this Old World tech? It never does. Everything's consistent and you just have to be willing to go the distance to piece it together."

"What uh...what happened between you two?"

Just like that, the walls went back up. He lolled his head to the side with a smile and said, "That's not a story for you, Archivist. Some things are better left buried."

Sensing the closed door, I decided not to push. I went back to the manual and flipped the page. "Thanks for telling me. About your parents and everything. I know...that it's difficult to keep living without them."

Silence hung over our heads, his eyes not yet leaving me. It felt like he was searching for something, or maybe for something else to say. In the end, he turned back to the solar panel with a simple, "You're welcome."

~*~

I wondered when Alastor would return. I was feeling a strange mix of emotions about it. On one hand, I hated being kept in a dark, damp place with no access to sunlight; and Vox made me feel on edge most of the time. On the other hand, I was nervous to go back to that stuffy attic and forced to play Alastor's mind games.

However, I still had at least a day left to prod Vox for information. He had given me far more information that Alastor ever let slip. Not to mention, translating the simple direction tags on old tech wasn't complex or unethical. He seemed pleased with my progress whereas Alastor was never satisfied.

He had explained that his stronghold was held within an Old World cargo ship. It instantly made sense how he came across so many random items and so much technology. At one point he let me wander around for awhile. I let my hands glide over the walls as I pictured men and women walking around to complete their tasks. To think we had once been able to sail huge bodies of water in metal boats.

"So, do you mind if I ask a question?" Vox asked at breakfast. We were sitting at an old table in a very old, metal room.

The fact that he asked me for permission made me wary, but curious. "Sure," I answered, not looking up from my plate. We were sitting in the kitchen and dining quarters of the ship. Eggs, bread, and cheese were the staple breakfast food in all districts. The leather of the comfy seat sank and tore at random places to reveal the ancient cushion that didn't quite work anymore.

"Alastor never struck me as the type to be kind to strangers. And yet rumor around the city is that you two shared a moment at your old bunker."

My hand stilled and I glanced up to meet his penetrating stare. It was rare for him to bring up Alastor directly, especially in a context that wasn't revolving around their hatred or competition for one another. It brought up the several moments Al and I had shared, but I stuffed those down. "He was different. Less of the Radio Demon, I suppose."

His lips curled into a smile as if I had confirmed something for him. "Really? More uh...more human maybe?"

I took a bite of eggs to push silence. Where was he trying to go with this? "Yeah. He was less intimidating because he was bleeding all over my floor."

He chuckled and leaned forward on the table. "It seems the time spent away from his radio and fans allowed him to drop his mask for once. You must've pulled out a side of him that very few actually get to see."

The eggs felt chewy in my mouth. There was something in the way Vox spoke that hinted at an ulterior motive. He was tricky, like Alastor, but a little more obvious about it. And yet, I still couldn't figure out what he was trying to get at.

"I don't really think that was another side of him. I think that was just a man who was a victim to circumstance. He nearly died, was sick because of it, and bored out of his mind."

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit, dear Archivist. Alastor has hit his lows before but he's never revealed a softer side. His walls are impenetrable. And yet...you managed to break through them."

I sighed and leaned back, placing my fork down. "What are you getting at, Vox?"

"You clearly have a talent for more than just books. You can soften even the hardest hearts and make them...connect with you through vulnerability."

I was growing more concerned with every word. He made it sound like I had manipulated Alastor, not the other way around; as if I was stringing him along with some hidden agenda.

"But Al refuses to see that," Vox went on. "He keeps burying those feelings and pushing you to the brink of insanity to prove you're nothing more than a pawn in his game."

My stared hardened. "What is your point?"

"My point—" he stood from his side of the table and sat right beside me, "—is that your worth is seen here. You've made incredible progress and answered so many of my dying questions. And I've seen the way you appreciate the Old World. So many people laugh at it and even pretend it didn't happen. But you..."

He placed his hand on top of mine and it took everything in me not to pull it free. "You appreciate it. Not just your books and their knowledge, but the things they've created. You appreciate my work, even if you don't want to admit it."

My throat was uncomfortably dry. My feet were rooted to the floor but my torso was leaning away from him. It was hard to hear his words over the sound of my heart drumming.

"You think you don't have a choice over your life, and Alastor has done well to make you think that, but...you do. You can choose to stay here. To work alongside me. The things you would translate...you would make this city come alive and pull the people out of poverty. And..."

His eyes went to our hands. He slowly moved up my arm, light as a feather, until he reached my shoulder, briefly removing it so he could tuck my hair behind my ear. I felt unnaturally hot.

"You could stay with someone who values your independence. Someone who could give you access to all the Old World information we've been collecting for years. Someone...who may feel just as lonely as you."

My mouth hung open, unable to form words. My limbs felt heavy and stuck in place. He was offering something dangerously close to freedom. I could play into it. The more I cooperated with him, the more freedom I would have. The more freedom I had, the easier it would be to make my escape. Maybe even with my archive.

And yet...there was a feeling I couldn't describe. A feeling that this...just wasn't right. A feeling that said I was being lured straight into a trap all decorated in gold and empty promises.

"Think about it," Vox said, as his hand trailed down my shoulder. He stood and left the room without another word.

I stared at the empty space where he had been. My heart wasn't slowing down. My blood felt cold and my skin scalding hot. I thought I was breaking out in hives from where he had touched me.

I fisted my shirt as I fought the rising panic. I pressed the pads of my fingers into the cold table and counted my breaths, goosebumps running along my arms.

This was bad. This was very bad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note:

Happy birthday Demi Demons! I wonder what's in store for us next time 😏

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Taglist:

@sirens-and-moonflowers @papas-ghoulette @eris-norwega