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wrongcaitlyn · 6 months ago

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wrongcaitlyn 2024 fic recs masterlist

SO. i always like to keep track of how many fics i read throughout the year, and in 2024 i read about 28.3 million words of fanfic. i know. i don't have a life. most fics read were in july (4.4m words) and least fics read were in september (797k words). BUT throughout those 28.3m words i do think i found some incredible fics throughout the year, which i bookmark as recs to reread :) because of this, i thought i'd do a little ao3 wrapped sort of thing and share all of my bookmarked fics this year as recs!! i read pretty much all kinds of fics so please check tags/warnings/ratings if you choose to read them

and, as it's a new year, i'm also always constantly bookmarking more recs. if you wanna check those out they're on my ao3! i highly recommend reading every single fic there bc they're all incredible <33

this is going to be long, so i decided to split it up by fandom - and all of these lists are ordered by the date i read them, not any specific ranking or anything. gonna include the date bookmarked, ship (if there is one), ch count and word count bc,,, yeah these are going to be very varied!!

fandoms included:

percy jackson - 21 fics (jan 6 - nov 5) tsoa/the iliad - 7 fics (jan 26 - oct 18) miraculous ladybug - 2 fics (feb 19 - feb 23) harry potter - 6 fics (june 30 - july 8) the secret history - 1 fic (oct 4) arcane - 18 fics (nov 13 - dec 31) + 2 honorable mentions

PERCY JACKSON - aka, the main hyperfixation

The Request Revolution by tiredpjofan - 1/6/2024, gen, 3 ch, 4.8k

Percy sees that some of the newer campers don't feel 100% comfortable with requesting stuff from their godly parents, so he decides to rectify that the only way he knows how -- dramatically. i know this one is insanely popular but i only got around to reading it this year, and!! genuinely just a funny, fluffy piece that makes me happy :))

whoopsie daisy! by buoyantsaturn - 1/21/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 3.2k

Will almost missed the way Tartarus had dulled his senses, distracting him from his own pain and preventing him from knowing the full extent of Nico’s. angst. i love angst. i vividly remember reading this at like 2 am and then bookmarking it and then reading it again in the morning and having to re-experience the pain

long story short by takeimi - 2/25/2024, percabeth, one-shot, 4.5k

percy starts a youtube vlog channel and raises one too many questions. i mean it's a socmed fame au need i say anything more

i'm put in awe (of something so flawed and free) by CordeliaRose - 3/2/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 15.9k

Right. Well. Nico squares his shoulders, reminds himself that nobody’s perfect and this guy has to be ugly, and knocks on the door. He is met with a Greek God, and forgets how to function. AKA: the archaeologist!Nico & trauma surgeon!Will AU. i already included this (and probably a few other fics i'm gonna mention) in my solangelo fic recs list, so i'm not gonna say that much but just know i prob reread this like 4 times already it's so <33 AND IT HAS A SEQUEL NOW

paper/plastic by Rosyredlipstick - 3/10/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 14.2k

When Nico di Angelo's favorite, most dependable gas station for midnight snacks etcetera is shut down due to some incredibly far-fetched and completely unnecessary health code violations, he's forced to start going to the sister franchise down the street, where a certain blond clerk seems to always be working (like, almost in an unhealthy way). Also, on a definitely unrelated note, Nico now volunteers to do any & all gas station convenience store runs. Leo — stop laughing. i'm also 99% sure i read this before 2024 and then lost it and found it again, BUT I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH IT'S SO SWEET AND AGHSDF love background lost trio, their dynamics are so perfect

a letter to the moon (it is not brighter than you) by theroyalsavage - 3/12/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 7.1k

When his kingdom is plagued by a series of unsolvable murders, Prince Will Solace must confront several things: tragedy, helplessness, and the dizzy-sweet inevitability of falling in love. just solangelo medieval au that's absolutely perfect

I Need a Hero by theroyalsavage - 3/12/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 3.8k

The "Nico is a superhero, Will is a med student" AU nobody asked for or wanted. SUPERHERO AU HELL YES!!! no srsly the way this author writes their dynamic i'm in love <33 (also yes both this and the previous one were written ages ago, okay i was catching up on solangelo fics i missed from being late to the fandomJSDF

Solar Powered by Caora - 3/19/2024, apollo/naomi but also gen, one-shot, 14.8k

Apollo, god of music, was how he had introduced himself. Naomi had assumed he was joking, and he didn't correct her. She had dated musicians and poets before. They all had an ego, and those same words would not have felt out of place from either of her exes. She merely downgraded Apollo from potential boyfriend to potential fling, and didn't think twice about it. Now though…. Now her son could heal wounds with a single touch, and her world was tipping on its axis. this is actually canon to me now. i love naomi solace so much. THIS IS CANON TO ME. also just so beautifully written <33

la vita è fatta così by HowlingAlchemist - 3/19/2024, solangelo, 25 ch, 109.4k

When Bianca somehow comes back from the dead, she, Nico and Will are sent on a quest that will hopefully answer some lingering questions. But Nico and Bianca are not the kids that they once were, and things get very difficult as a result. i love fics that straight up feel like they could be their own books and this is one of them. so well-written and the angst!!!! i died but i was happy about it

hold me, thrill me, kiss me by restinreeses - 3/29/2024, valgrace, one-shot, 3.5k

“You love me,” Leo declares, his smirk widening with every passing second. “You, the great Jason Grace, love me.” He fumbles for his words, but they melt in his mouth as Leo's hands snaked up the small of his back – those delicate fingers tracing patterns into his skin that burnt worse than his SPQR tattoo. “I wouldn’t call myself great,” he mutters at last. Leo leans in, raising one thick eyebrow. “I dunno,” he says, “I’d say you’re pretty great.” His lips brush over Jason's, once, twice. “You know. For loving me.” me being briefly obsessed with valgrace and this was definitely part of the reason this fic was so <33 i love them so much and this fic was incredibly written

but we were in screaming color by tunacucumber - 4/2/2024, valgrace, one-shot, 3.2k

It feels inevitable, somehow, when he grabs Jason by the collar of his shirt and tugs him forward. it starts with a ridiculous heatwave. starting off with an incredible title, but AHHSHDFHSD THE VALGRACE DYNAMIC IS JUST PERFECT

Champion by TsarinaTorment - 4/5/2024, gen, one-shot, 1.3k

She always said she was going to make it to the Olympics, and aged eighteen, it finally happened. yall already know how much i love their fics and the kayla centric of it all!!!! THIS IS CANON TO ME ITS LITERALLY PERFECT.

Blood-Soaked Flowers by TsarinaTorment - 4/8/2024, gen, one-shot, 4.8k

Will knows what’s wrong with him. He just doesn’t know why. another one of TsarinaTorment's ToApril fics and god. this one made me so. i can't even. like i still remember reading this for the first time the twist made my heart WRENCH platonic angst will be the death of me

apple cider and freezer burn by yrbeecharmer - 4/10/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 2.4k

“Somebody pissed off McCaffrey,” Cecil says miserably from the Iris message flickering in midair, in the middle of Nico’s cabin, at two in the morning on a godsdamn Thursday. “So she sent, like, a dozen karpoi to surprise attack us in the middle of the night. We’ve been trying to get rid of them, but they just keep respawning. Can you come poke them with your magic sword?” Nico stares at him. “No.” “Oh, come on! Why not?” “It’s two in the morning! I was sleeping!” i just love general camp shenanigans and this one was SO PERFECT

And I Miss My Lover, Man by MaryaDmitrievnaLikesSundays - 4/17/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 3.6k

In a single well-aimed strike, Nico knocked Riptide out of Percy’s hand and sent it skittering into the forest. Before Percy could react, Nico shoved him down, and stood over him, about to claim victory. And that was when the world shattered. His entire chest suddenly felt like it was being fractured, torn apart bit by bit. He felt a soul leave a body, alone and in pain and miles from home. He saw, in a hazy mental image, someone else’s last view of the sky overhead, and then silence. pure angst. proceed with caution and read warnings. this broke me at like 2 am in the morning

i do adore by rabbit_soup - 5/1/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 1.8k

“I appreciate it,” he said. “I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t…okay for a while. I’m definitely still not.” “Look who you’re talkin’ to,” Will said with a smile. Nico snorted, “Yeah, that’s true. You are feeling better, yeah?” Will detangled himself from Nico, rolling up his sleeves. The Empousa injuries had since faded in the past month. Now, they were nothing more than thick white scratches, and even those were fading by the day. this entire series is just so wonderful and so sweet and i love these boys so much omfgjsdfj they deserve everything :(((

my home wears your face by solisaureus - 5/29/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 9.8k

Three years after being dumped by Will Solace, Nico pushes himself too far with shadow travel again. Unfortunately, the only person on Earth who knows how to treat advanced shadow sickness happens to be his ex-boyfriend. THE EMOTIONS I FELT READING THIS AT LIKE 9 IN THE MORNING RIGHT WHEN I WOKE UP I LITERALLY DIED. like seriously this fic is so insanely good. omfg. please. please go read rn. i can't even it was so sweet but also heartbreaking but hopeful and the solangelo dynamic was just absolutely perfect

the first lovers in the world by rottenpomegranate - 9/15/2024, solangelo, one-shot, 6k

Their relationship changes, from the way it was when they were fourteen, clammy hands and shy smiles, to how it is when they're nearing the edge of adulthood, working together to figure out what to do with all this love they hold. just the most gorgeous and perfectly written solangelo coming of age fic, i love them

Son of Sea Foam by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle - 10/20/2024, castor/percy, 12 ch, 196.4k

AU where Percy has to hide the fact he's a Big Three kid otherwise he'll be killed on the spot. Unfortunately for him, unclaimed kids tend to raise the most suspicion... but he might have found a loophole in the form of Aphrodite. okay yea this one just left me reeling for days. weeks even. this is a total rewrite of what pjo could have been and though i may have questioned it going into it, i should have never doubted any bit of this- this is just a masterpiece of writing, like, seriously. the way that all of the character arcs were written, the deaths meaningful, the plot insanely well-thought out?? i am in awe. i read this and the sequel within a 6 hour car drive bc i was just so insanely hooked on every detail of this universe- seriously, the worldbuilding was insane, the oc's so perfectly intertwined, and the lore perfectly incorporated. SERIOUSLY if you want a pjo fic to completely alter your brain chemistry, this is the one.

Set in Stone by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle - 10/24/2024, gen, 7 ch, 38.2k

Medusa’s sculptures are mysteriously coming back to life. Percy doesn’t think murder is an unreasonable action given the circumstances. THIS WAS SO PERFECT. it was so hilarious while at the same time keeping a serious tone, but the banter and the dialogue and everything just made it such an enjoyable read (oh, and the ending. the ending is perfect.)

say you want a hero (you don't) by pjowithbluecookies - 11/5/2024, percabeth/gen, HP CROSSOVER, 12 ch, 4k

Narcissa Malfoy will do whatever it takes to save her son, and if that meant blackmailing demigods into saving the world again, then so be it. wasn't sure whether to include this in pjo or hp but so far the characters have been mainly pjo centric so i'd say that. and like. i know this was last updated in sep 2023 but god is the premise so insanely good. im so invested in the plot even tho it was only 12k words and unfinished. went through a brief phase of looking for good quality pjo/hp crossovers and this one just holds so much promise

THE SONG OF ACHILLES/THE ILIAD - aka, the one that pops up every few months

Sunset in Your Veins by Baejax - 1/26/2024, patrochilles, 24 ch, 100.4k

Achilles recognizes Tartarus when he sees it, dark, and gray, and ugly and freezing. Pat cannot explain why he brought home the lunatic who stole a dog and burst into the veterinarian office where he works. The man can't even speak English. This is a disaster. im almost 100% sure that i read this in 2023 and then i lost it and then i found it again, reread it, and bookmarked it, and then reread it again some other time this year, which just goes to show how much i love this fic. like. damn just thinking abt it i should read it again. absolutely incredible

Our numbered days by Baejax - 4/15/2024, patrochilles, 2 ch, 10.1k

It's their senior year of college, Patroclus has his first serious girlfriend, and Achilles is happy for him. Really. something about this made me want to cry so bad like the angst was just. god. but it was also so absolutely wonderful at the end and made me want to scream with joy. idk dude the emotions this made me feel in just 10k words was insane

Death and Fate by Baejax - 8/10/2024, patrochilles, series of 21 works, 444.5k

[Series summary] In every universe... I will have them divorce and then get back together. so i think the proper name for this fandom's section is actually just me being obsessed with everything Baejax writes. bc like. seriously go read every fic here. absolutely insane quality. this is basically just a collection of patrochilles au's and they're all incredible !!!!

The Spindle by AMBlue - 9/24/2024, patrochilles, 5 ch, 26.9k

After Patroclus’ death, Achilles begs for the chance to change the past. His wish is granted, but he finds himself trapped repeating the same day over and over as he tries and fails to save his beloved. Character death but I swear this is a fix-it fic with a happy ending. HELL YEAH THE ILIAD FIX IT FIC

Sweet Victory by Baejax - 9/29/2024, patrochilles, 9 ch, 21k

Achilles and Patroclus are just friends, friends who are now roommates since they've started university and who just happen to make out with each other on the regular, but that's just their own weird friend thing that no one else needs to know about. It's not a big deal. Right? this was absolutely hilarious. they own the idiots to lovers tag

you're a walking disaster, and yet- by Johaerys - 10/6/2024, patrochilles, 23 ch, 148.2k

"You'll meet my son, Achilles, soon," Mr Pelides told Patroclus on their drive there. "You two will get along just fine. He's as wild as they come, though." The indulgent pride with which he said the words made them sound almost like a compliment. "Don’t let him talk you into anything." Patroclus blushed as he swore, with strong conviction, that he would absolutely not do that. No sir. He knows better than that. modern patrochilles friends to lovers done perfectly, this was just an insanely good read

Twin Flames by Johaerys - 10/18/2024, patrochilles, 12 ch, 70.1k

Achilles is the young Prince of Phthia, Patroclus is his squire, in a story where they come together, come apart, then find each other all over again. THIS FIC. THIS FIC. OMFGJSDFJSDF THE MEDIEVAL AU I NEEDED THIS WAS ABSOLUTE PERFECTION. their pining throughout all of this made my heart ache but it was all so worth it this is perfect

MIRACULOUS LADYBUG - aka, the hyperfixation from four years ago that randomly showed up for a few weeks

The Great Banana Search by walkingonthestars - 2/19/2024, gen, 3 ch, 10.6k

A small, careless move by Hawk Moth exposes his identity to a citizen of Paris. But this citizen has a secret identity of their own, and that makes finding them and taking care of the situation a rather slippery pursuit. Basically, Mr. Banana sees Hawk Moth detransform, and Gabriel and Nathalie work to find out who's behind the banana suit so they can shut him up before he talks. As Gabriel fears that the person in the peel was none other than Cat Noir himself, he also notices that Adrien seems to upset and hiding something. i have no idea what possessed me to read mlb fanfic in the year 2025. i haven't watched the show since quarantine. but god is this probably the funniest fucking fic i've read all year. i was in tears laughing at 3 am. PLEASE READ.

Imbalance by thelibraryloser - 2/23/2024, marichat, 16 ch, 42.4k

Chat Noir is fighting evil all on his own, not aware he’s supposed to be half of a whole. Hawkmoth is desperate to get his hands on the Black Cat and Ladybug Miraculous, knowing that if he causes enough destruction the world will demand balance and the Ladybug will have to appear. And when she does, she's not what anyone expected. Chat thought having a partner would feel different- maybe like how he feels talking to the girl on the balcony. again, i really don't know why i was in a brief mlb phase, but i was- and this was just so well-written and beautiful <33 i was scouring ao3 for interesting au's and im a sucker for marichat so this was perfect

HARRY POTTER aka, the hyperfixation that came out of nowhere during the summer and proceeded to flip my world upside down with the fics i read during this phase

Dog's Best Friend by Ray_Writes - 6/30/2024, gen, 6 ch, 16.3k

When Rubeus Hagrid is placed in the cell next to notorious murderer Sirius Black, truths are revealed and events are changed. man i just love a good fix-it. this felt so realistic and just made me so happy. i don't know why i was reading harry potter that wasn't marauders this year but for some reason i was and this was wonderful

Disrespect Authority by Ray_Writes - 7/1/2024, hinny, 17 ch, 122.9k

Harry chooses to confide in Ginny about his miserable Occlumency lessons, not realizing the youngest Weasley might just have a thing or two to say about someone poking around his head when he doesn’t want it. Together, they hatch a plan to get him out of the lessons that has a variety of unintended consequences: an opening for Dolores Umbridge to tighten her hold over the castle, a clue to set the last true Marauders on the trail of Voldemort’s secrets, and a beginning of something more between Harry and Ginny themselves. some wrongcaitlyn lore for y'all, my very first fic that i read was hinny. my very first several fics. i know im such a bore for having the main canon ship be what introduced me to fandom but it turns out i still have such a soft spot for them and this fic is way better than canon was so i'm just going to pretend that it is canon bc any way to ignore what j*r wrote is great. anyway this is ootp canon for me now

This Is Just What Human Means (For Me) by WoodenSuitcase - 7/1/2024, gen, one-shot, 6.8k

Out of the family, only Bill knew Charlie was aroace. It wasn't that Charlie didn't want to tell the others – he just never seemed to find the right moment for it! When the perfect opportunity arose in the form of a Christmas visit to the Burrow, Charlie made it his mission to finally come out. As it turns out, things never go as smoothly as one intends, even with his older brother by his side. aroace charlie my beloved <33 went through a brief obsession with him and honestly all of the weasleys throughout this time period (and like seriously. i just went from one weasley family member to the next idk why) but this was so sweet

Ben Folds's Series by orphan_account - 7/5/2024, perciver, series of three fics, 37.8k

[summary from the first fic of the series] Wherein book 7 is completely ignored because wars don't tend to happen so quickly; Percy Weasley runs a safehouse [because that's as close to administrative work as you can get in a war], and everyone gets a chance to play minor character bingo. Get your cards and markers ready! the way this author wrote perciver... god this was just perfect like seriously. if you want to start reading this ship PLEASE read this one

James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, (pause for breath) and the Prisoner of Azkaban by gonzoclock - 7/6/2024, wolfstar/gen, 17 ch, 32.7k

At the end of first year, Harry pocketed the Philosopher's Stone- in a secret pocket that everyone else missed. Now, two years later, Harry is in his third year, his friends are having the time of their lives in Hogsmeade, there's an escaped mass murderer running around, and Harry is going stir-crazy. Fortunately, the twins have a solution! Although- they're going to need something in return, and it needs to be good. Good thing Harry kept that Stone, huh? And then things go completely bat-shit crazy. (featuring the Marauders vs 1993, an exhausted Professor Lupin, a bewildered Harry Potter, and an opportunistic Hermione Granger) pure crack. i love it.

The Second String by Eider_Down - 7/8/2024, harry/gideon, 45 ch, 409.8k

Everyone knows Dementors can take souls, but nothing says that they have to keep them. After the Dementor attack in Little Whinging ends disastrously, Harry must find a place for himself in a new world, fighting a different sort of war against the nascent Voldemort. *deep breath in* okay. okay hear me out. okay listen please. like seriously. this may just be the best fic i read all year. AND I PUT SERIOUS WEIGHT IN THAT. AND I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IM SAYING IT ABOUT AN HP FIC. BUT LIKE. IM BEING SO FR RIGHT NOW. the way that this fic literally altered my brain chemistry and left me in shambles. the amount of detail that went into the plot and the lore. i could read another 400k words of this universe and it still wouldn't be enough. the author is literally so crazily talented they made me ship harry potter x gideon prewett (no weird age gap going on trust me, there's a lot of time travel stuff going on- they are around the same age biologically and mentally). like seriously if i had to recommend one fic from this year it would be this. which is insane to say. but i cannot understate how incredible this work of fanfiction is like genuinely, i hope that this author is out there writing incredible original works because they integrated oc's into the plot so seamlessly, made these incredible relationships and orchestrated the plot so perfectly that i was just completely immersed. i could go on for way longer but like. all i could think when finishing this was woah. holy fucking shit. idk if i'll ever read a fic as insane as that again.

THE SECRET HISTORY aka, i read the book and needed more

No Room For the Present by lessnearthesun - 10/4/2024, francis/richard, 3 ch, 65.9k

Post-canon, Richard and Francis, and all that comes after. A drama in three parts. no seriously this reads perfectly as a continuation of the book. like it's genuinely- every word, the writing style, the characterization, it's all so perfect. breaks my heart at times but it wouldn't be the secret history if it didn't, if you read the book please please go read this!!!

ARCANE aka, the return of the lesbians; aka, home sweet home; aka, my life's entire purpose starting in november; aka, the literal love of my life arcane writers please take my soul and turn it into more caitvi fanfics

no seriously. why are there no other recs past nov 6 in the other fandoms? bc it was literally all this. 20 arcane recs in a matter of less than two months. 7m+ words read from just arcane fics in nov-dec.

now on to the recs!!

Promise on both sides by paxbanana - 11/13/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 10.4k

Caitlyn seeks to right the wrongs she dealt Zaun. She doesn't expect to get the opportunity to do the same with Vi. For her part, Vi's not one for last words or martyr shit, and she's not about to let Caitlyn get away with it either. now canon divergent bc it was written right after act 1 came out, but god was this so heartbreaking to see. such a good take on what could have happened in place of act 2/3, and the characterizations were just perfect

knit them tight by qwahaXahn - 11/22/2024, caitlyn & jinx, 3 ch, 3.4k

The hunt for Warwick goes horribly wrong, and Jinx can only think of one person to help her save Vi. Unfortunately, Caitlyn Kiramman wants her dead. A character study of two women in the process of changing, and how they finally, finally start healing. CAITLYN AND JINX ARE MY EVERYTHING (IN A SISTER IN LAW KIND OF WAY) AND THIS WAS SOMETHING SO GUTWRENCHINGLY PERFECT FOR THEIR INTERACTIONS BOTH OF THEM ARE JUST WRITTEN SO WELL AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS

Too Close / Too Late by AiLaikJedi - 11/24/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 7.7k

As Caitlyn recovers from the Battle at Piltover, Vi learns that caring for her means facing the grief she’s tried to bury. filled the void i had searching for post-canon fics, this was just so perfect. no words it was beautifully written

The Willingness to Walk Away, The Courage to Try Again by Barakis - 11/24/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 7.1k

You let go for them, to save them from themselves. Otherwise, they’ll never find the strength to do it on their own, Vi realizes, and that realization only adds to her pain and heaving sobs. Jinx understood what Vi didn’t. She saw what her big sister couldn’t until it was too late. That in order to break the cycle of pain and violence, one of them needed to have the strength to walk away. And that person was never going to be Vi. another post-canon fic, honestly a blend of all of these are canon to me because they're all just so well written and perfect for the characters <3

i love you, i'm waiting for you by thehaakun - 11/24/2024, caitvi, 2 ch, 11.8k

Growth sometimes only came from discomfort, from a healthy fear of the unknown, from an innate desire to move out of old habits, dead pasts. She can’t accept what you and I both know. Caitlyn and Vi recover from the aftermath of the war. There's a long path ahead for them both, and their cities. can you tell the finale broke me??? because it did. but ao3 is curing all my wounds. this was so beautiful, a perfect glimpse into post-canon

will you fix me up (will you show me hope) by CharKoal - 11/29/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 2.8k

The last piece of Vi’s heart lays here, broken and bleeding, and somehow finds the nerve to smile. In the aftermath of the battle, Vi finds Caitlyn. another incredible post-canon fic, the glimpse into vi's mental state after the explosion was just so perfect

Shotgun by Cenodoxus - 12/6/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 8k

"Vi, you can either stay here with your severely injured girlfriend, or you can go desecrate a corpse. You can't do both." "What the fuck kind of bullshit ultimatum is that?" Vi finds Caitlyn after the climactic battle. i'm repeating myself a lot on these because YES technically they're all covering the same topic, but seriously, all of them add little details that just help complete my picture of everything that comes post-canon and compiles into my vision of what happens, and i need all of them to breathe, and this one was absolutely lovely

crash into me (i'm drowning here alone) by CharKoal - 12/8/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 7.3k

The color marks Vi like a scar. Blue hair, blue smoke, a glowing blue sphere and a bright blue explosion. Three bright blue explosions. It follows her, threatens to drown her in its depths. Blue haunts her dreams. She learns, later, that red tarnishes Caitlyn's. In the days following the battle, Vi grapples with the burden of her grief and finds that guilt has already crushed Caitlyn beneath its weight. okay yeah just from the summary you can tell that this is one of the most gut-wrenching fics i have here. seriously the writing quality of this???? absolutely astronomical. literally insane. PLEASE go read this and have your heart torn out

Restitution by dilapidatedcorvid - 12/8/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 2.3k

By all definition, they marvel, she is a medical miracle; her soul sewn back into this mortal vessel by the heroic efforts of the finest Piltover had to offer and cradled in a web of tubing and lines dripping saline and blood and therapies into her veins until they were reasonably sure she was ready to move from the antiseptic sterility of the hospital to the comfort of her own room to recuperate. Caitlyn doesn’t feel like a miracle. Or, Caitlyn is concussed and on bedrest, so she does the only thing she can: think. i love a good character study and this one just dove into caitlyn perfectly. y'all already know she's my fav character, so it makes me extremely happy when her character arc is done justice like in this fic- this is canon, to me

the love we let ourselves deserve by taq - 12/9/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 7.2k

Caitlyn watches the Noxian ships leave the harbor, stands there at the edge, the wind whipping her hair about, the chill sharp in the early morning sun. She watches words she wishes she could have said fizzle into the salty air, watches the tiniest specks of red disappear into the horizon, flecks of blood trapped beneath her nails that she’ll never wash out. There’s a tug to her hand. She turns, and there Vi is. There Vi is, warm and open and loving like she doesn’t care, like it’s alright, like there’s nothing wrong. It’s too much. another post-canon healing story, this one diving more into caitlyn's mental state after the war and it just. god. the guilt the pain the angst it's so perfect.

il y a toujours quelque chose d'absent qui me tourmente by lazy_universes - 12/9/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 11.1k

If pressed, Vi would probably say she couldn't really see the point of yet another monument. Graves, at least, were private enough, but a statue of Jinx in the middle of Zaun was hardly the place where she could mourn for her sister in solitude. If Pilties wanted to assuage their guilt or if Zaunites wanted to send a message, she honestly couldn’t care less. If she had her way, she’d have nothing to do with it. At that point in life, Vi should already be aware she hardly, if ever, had things go her way. this is actually 100% canon to me, seriously just thinking about vi and the alternate universe and her place in the world in the main universe now just makes me want to cry, but this fic just explored it so well and has one of the best vi characterizations ever.

Heart Made of Glass, My Mind of Stone by Phoenix314 - 12/25/2024, caitvi, 18 ch, 104k

In order to avoid time in Stillwater Prison, Vi must complete community service after getting caught stealing from Jayce Talis, the protégé of the wealthy and intelligent Councilor Cassandra Kiramman. Instead of spending her nights working at The Last Drop and her days looking after her siblings in Zaun, she now has to be the errand girl to one of the most powerful people in Piltover. However, Vi soon realizes that something isn’t right. What secret project is Jayce working on? Why does the councilor keep sending Vi on strange assignments? And why won’t Caitlyn Kiramman leave Vi alone about what life is like in Zaun? Something is festering in the underbelly of both cities and Vi is beginning to suspect that the Kirammans know more than anyone realizes. okay thIS. THIS FIC IS INSANE. first of all i just wanna say holy shit author for writing 104k words in less than a month and it still being ongoing. mad respect. made even more insane by how high quality every bit of this fic is, i LOVE a good young caitvi au and this just flew to the top of my ranking of them since i started reading- excitedly awaiting every update on this because i just love how in-depth the worldbuilding and characters are. oh, and cassandra?? MOST ICONIC CHARACTER EVER. LOVE HER. this one just dove so deeply into the kiramman family and that makes me SO happy, and i can't wait to see where it ends up going <3

Coming home to you by mkhhhx - 12/27/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 20.2k

“You are not taking good enough care of yourself,” Caitlyn starts, looking towards the fountain. She’s lost weight and her cheeks are hollowed, the knuckles of her hand too pronounced into Vi’s grasp. “I need you now, more than ever, Violet.” “You have me,” Vi says, as a matter of fact. As if she has anyone else to live for, to give her loyalty to. “In any way you’d want me.” another post-canon fic that's just so beautifully written. like srsly what are they feeding caitvi authors. this was insanely good, and just makes my caitvi heart so happy. HEALING TAG I LOVE YOU!!!

one single thread of gold tied me to you by piltovervscogirl - 12/28/2024, caitvi, one-shot, 10.8k

five lifetimes where caitlyn and vi found each other & one where they didn’t THE AMOUNT OF THOUGHTS I HAVE ABOUT EACH OF THESE UNIVERSES LIKE HOLY SHIT!!!! they are THE invisible string couple

A Family Affair by orayofsunshine - 12/28/2024, caitvi, 6 ch, 30.8k

Vi doesn’t introduce girls to her family. First, she’s not one to date or see a girl for more than a date or two, so there’s never anyone to introduce to them anyways. She’s too busy and too broke to keep a steady girlfriend. Second, her family is nuts, and no one should be subjected to their unique brand of torture. Or, How Caitlyn Ends Up Meeting Vi’s Whole Family On Accident this just made my heart so happy while also making me cackle. like woah an arcane fic that doesn't make me want to rip my heart out (in a good way). this was so so cute and perfect and A FULL FAMILY FOR VI!!!! HELL FUCKING YEAH

Hotshot by SarcastCity - 12/28/2024, caitvi, 50 ch, 242.6k

Caitlyn's route to work as a detective at the 51st Precinct takes her right by Fire Station #516, and Vi's been pining after the gorgeous Mystery Woman for six months...what will happen when she finds out that Caitlyn's a cop (AKA: The Enemy)? okay so. WOAH. OMFGJSDFJSD. i was a *tiny* bit late to the train on this one but boy am i glad that i read it when it was all complete bc i literally read this in the span of one day. yes. i was hooked to my phone on yet another 6 hour drive, absolutely consumed by this masterpiece of a fic. and then went on to go read everything else by this author bc the fucking TALENT this is just. insanely good!!!!

Ginkgo by Mango_Magpie - 12/30/2024, caitvi, 5 ch, 22k

Vi never thought she'd get a second chance at life. Now, thrust back into a world she no longer recognizes, she sets out to reconnect with lost loved ones, bonding with a new one along the way. missing scenes from s1!!! holy shit this just made me so nostalgic for 2021 again what the fuck!!!! this is canon to me. like, entirely. the fic before this in the series is also a depiction of vi's time in prison and is also canon to me. this author just writes so beautifully, and everything feels so in character, like i could genuinely imagine these scenes playing out in front of me as part of the show. absolutely incredible, will most definitely be re-reading

taking a leap forward (means leaving a few things behind) by thefifthchris - 12/31/2024, gen, 9 ch, 37.5k

Time slows. Four seconds. Ekko shouts. Something is wrong. There’s no time to think. Heimerdinger jumps out of the singularity, and, in his place– Powder takes the leap. In another timeline, Piltover tries to rebuild. No Hexgate, no fancy Hextech, nothing. Vi is familiar with this: raw labor, strength as its own language, sweat dripping between her shoulder blades. No, she thinks. There is no time to mourn. A tale of two sisters. Even worlds apart, they'll still always find each other. got to read this one as it updated and this was just a beautiful exploration of what could've happened if powder tried to recreate the anomaly (a question that im pretty sure everyone asked after the end of ep 7) - it was a wonderful fix-it while also staying true to all of the characters and exploring their relationships post-canon <3

and that is the end <3 shout-out to two honorable mentions:

hold me (like I never did anything to hurt you) by WishingonAStar, which just barely didn't make the cut off bc i read it past midnight on new years day.

and Run at the Cup. by TheHomelyBadger which i can firmly say is one of my top 3 best reads of the year (the others being The Second String and Son of Sea Foam), but wasn't included in this list because i first bookmarked it on may 27, 2022 back when it was originally updating. bc i sort of fell out of the fandom i didn't end up keeping up with the updates and so i got to re-read it in its entirety in december and was just completely blown away by how incredible it was, i could easily read 300k more words about this universe, it's an absolute masterpiece - i mean, it made me care about sports, which let me tell you is the most impossible job there is.

#wrongcaitlyn #fic recs #ao3 #arcane #pjo #harry potter #miraculous ladybug #the secret history #patrochilles #tsoa #caitvi #solangelo

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codecicle-archive · 8 months ago

Note

ur one of the qsmp guys (in my mind at least) so i figured id ask u this but do u think itd be like achievable to like get into some of the qsmp stuff at this point. idk how crazy it got lore wise or how long it got but its always looked cool, issue was jrwi hyperfixation had me shackled. but its released its hold a little so i was just curious :3

Of course!!!! Fair warning that the QSMP is a HUGE project! So there's a lot of content to consume and understand. However, I think it's very very achievable if you'd like to try :-)

Starting off, QSMP actually planned for this to happen! They knew it was a huge project, so to help people get caught up they made a channel called "QSMP Info"

This exists to summarize the major lore/story beats of the island. It doesn't give you the full experience, but it definitely explains a good chunk of the plot ^_^

I'd also like to mention that the appeal of the QSMP was found in the various languages and constant streams. You could wake up to see the morning crew going live, then go from there to the usual daily streamers, then the evening group would log on, etc etc. There was always somebody live and having fun on the island with their friends :], so there's lots and lots of vods 2 sort through

I'd recommend picking a group of streamers from each and sticking with it. For me, I tried watching just one or two streamer(s) per language. Slimecicle, cellbit, baghera/etoiles, and roier/mariana were my mains! You don't have to stick with this (and I'm pretty sure this isn't the approach everyone went with), but it definitely helps it feel less overwhelming

Here's a good reddit post with tons of links and info:

Here's the major vods document:

Here's links to organized/in-order vods:

[ACT 1] [ACT 2] [ACT 3] [ACT 4] [ACT 4.5] [ACT 5]

I'd say pick the streamers that look the most interesting or appealing to you and just roll with it! (lmao) I'm obviously biased (my url is a qslime reference, and my special interest is his character + juanaflippa and codeflippa), but don't let me influence you on which POVs to settle on :-) everyone on that server was talented and funny as hell, and ABSOLUTELY worth a watch.

Welcome to the island!

#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#we have mail :]#qsmp #HAVE FUN DUDE!!!! ITS SUCH A GOOD SMP ITS AWESOMEEEE #its 100% achievable i promise :-) good luck and have fun

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cozy-the-overlord · 8 months ago

Text

Memory

Summary: Returning to her old master's side for the first time since she left the Order, Ahsoka reflects on her past.

Word Count: 4,592

A/N: I don't usually write for clone wars (despite it being my longest running hyperfixation to date) but it's my sister's birthday and she's been begging me to write a fic for her for years so I thought I'd make that happen for her. Everyone say "happy birthday JJ!!"

Thank you so much for reading!!

Warnings: None

~~my taglist is all for Loki fics so I'm not putting it here but if you do want to be tagged on any potential future clone wars fics please let me know!!~~

Read it on Ao3!

Ahsoka knew she shouldn’t be excited.

It was hard to describe the feelings churning in her chest as the Mandalorian ship docked in the hanger. It must have read like dread to Bo-Katan, who patted her shoulder as they first passed into Republic airspace.

“Don’t worry. Hopefully, we won’t be here long.”

Ahsoka swallowed, nodded. She couldn’t blame the Mandalorian. There was a sense of dread building within her the closer they came to disembarking, even if it wasn’t the kind her companion expected. Just seeing the Jedi cruiser when they came out of hyperspace had brought a lump to her throat. The thought of who was waiting for her on that ship made even tighter. And so she had to keep herself cold, keep herself focused on the task at hand, shut down the longing that rose in her chest the moment she saw how her old master lit up when he said her name. She was here on a mission, not to visit or reminisce. Certainly not to return.

She just missed it so much.

Ahsoka felt guilty for missing it. This was something she had chosen – she could have gone back after everything. That’s what everyone had expected, what everyone had wanted. It was her decision to walk away, a necessary decision, and she couldn’t let herself regret that now. Besides, there had to be something morally reprehensible about pining for times of war, right? It wasn’t the suffering she craved – no, she had seen enough death to haunt her nightmares until the day she herself succumbed to it. Ahsoka didn’t want to go back to that.

But … she missed them. Her time with the Martez sisters, kind as they may have been, had only made the gaping hole in her chest feel emptier. She missed her friends. She missed sitting in the mess hall with the clones and listening to their stories, missed the thrill of excitement when they turned to her and let her tell them her own – they must have been so amused by her, this fourteen-year-old girl trying to live up to their war stories with her tales of training at the Jedi temple. But it was an affectionate sort of amusement. They saw her as a little sister even as she grew to outrank them in experience as well as position, and she found their paternalist nature bothered her less and less as it grew tempered with mutual respect.

She missed Master Kenobi, his ever-assured composure and his droll humor, the way his brow would quirk when he was holding back a laugh. It was funny – he wasn’t her master, and yet he had always been around, ready with an instruction or a quip or some word of wisdom. She got the feeling at times that he saw her just as much as his padawan as Anakin’s, although he was careful never to overstep his authority. Sometimes Ahsoka used to consider an alternate reality, where she had been apprenticed to him as he had expected when she stepped off that shuttle on Christophsis, how things might have played out differently. For as much as she admired Obi-Wan Kenobi, as much as she cared for him, she somehow struggled to imagine a world where she fit well alongside him as his student. And she wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

“You’re reckless, little one. You never would have made it as Obi-Wan’s padawan.”

Oh, Anakin.

His name had been legend amongst her youngling class, even more so than his master. He was just so cool – not like the stuffy masters clogging the council chambers, no, Anakin Skywalker was young, and he walked through the halls in black robes you could see from all the way across the Temple, and he was fascinating. A Jedi so renown for his military prowess that he rarely had the chance to return to the Temple after one battle ended before another began, whose success rate was as high as his casualties were low. He destroyed a Trade Federation battleship all by himself at nine years old, the first time he ever set foot in a starfighter cockpit. He dueled Count Dooku at the Battle of Geonosis as a padawan and survived with only a missing hand. When Ahsoka had learned that he was to be her master, she had been thrilled.

Of course, it hadn’t gone quite how she expected. Anakin learned that he was receiving a padawan only when she showed up at his proverbial doorstep, and they barely had any time to process this turn of events before the Clone Wars came roaring behind at her heels. The whole thing was rather whiplash-inducing �� Ahsoka had gone from being the top of her class, living off a perpetual feast of praise for her form, her reflexes, her ingenuity, to being an unwanted annoyance that couldn’t seem to do anything right. She was as resilient as she was enthusiastic, but after the fiasco at the shield generator Anakin’s frustration was really beginning to weigh down on her.

And then he said it.

“… but you might make it as mine.”

The years would prove them to be a well-matched pair, albeit an unconventional one. They bickered more than was likely appropriate of a master and apprentice, but when it came moments of battle the two of them were of one mind. With such an unconventional Jedi as her teacher, Ahsoka found herself learning all sorts of things that she had never dreamed of while in Temple classrooms, experiences that often involved sneaking behind the council’s back to do so. After all, Rex told her once with a wry smile, there was nothing General Skywalker enjoyed more than disobeying a direct order. And for all his feigned irritation, it became clear early on even to her that Anakin cared for her more than he ever would be willing to admit.

It was the overprotectiveness. Especially in the beginning, Anakin was constantly fretting about her safety, pulling her in from situations she was certain she could handle, keeping her off of missions he deemed too dangerous. It used to bother her so much. How could it not? If he trusted her abilities – trusted her – to take care of herself, surely he wouldn’t be so scared to let her put his training to the test? Because he was scared, she came to realize. It took a while to recognize it for what it was, but his fear was a palpable thing, something that pulsated through the Force like a frantic beating heart any time she took a risk in front of him. And boy, did she take risks in front of him.

There was one time, early on, when they had been tasked with retrieving an important ship log from a drifting separatist vessel. It wasn’t long after boarding that they were able to determine why the ship had been abandoned: the reactor core was leaking, and the bridge was slowly filling with contaminated gas. Rex said that the mission was a bust – there was no way to safely retrieve the information they had come for, and no way of knowing that it was even worth the risk. After a bit, Anakin had been inclined to agree, but Ahsoka couldn’t stomach the idea of returning to the cruiser without what they had come so far for. The vents were small enough for her to fit through, and copying the log shouldn’t take too long, and besides, Ahsoka was adept at holding her breath …

She was grinning when she emerged from the vent once more, datastick in hand and only slightly dizzy, but Anakin had been practically seething.

“What were you thinking?” He snapped, forcing her to sit against the wall the way one might an unruly child. “No – sit down. You’re staying right there until Kix has checked you out.”

“But I got the data—”

“You could have been killed.” He grabbed the datastick from her with his mechanical hand, and for a moment Ahsoka almost expected him to crush it between his fingers. Instead, he only held it before her face. “This is not worth that.”

She scowled. She had just saved the mission and of course, all the thanks she gets is a lecture. “You risk your life all the time – I don’t know why you get mad at me when I do it!”

“I take necessary risks,” he retorted. “Nothing about this was necessary.”

“But—”

“No. I’m not arguing with you on this, Ahsoka.” His tone was firm. The conversation was over.

Yes, he was scared. It was strange to realize that – fear was perhaps the most un-Jedi-like emotion one could possess. Didn’t Master Yoda always say that fear was the path to the Dark Side? But Ahsoka had always known her master was a peculiar Jedi, and more often than not his peculiarities played to his strengths. He feared loss of life, and so he saw to it that lives were not lost. It was a dangerous game. Life and death is so often beyond anyone’s control, and she knew Anakin struggled with that reality. Sometimes he panicked. Sometimes he lost control.

There was that time on Mortis …

Ahsoka didn’t remember much of Mortis, and practically none at all of her time spent in the clutches of the force-wielder they called The Son – it all seemed to fade together into some sort of blurry nightmare the moment she opened her eyes once more on the shuttle. But she remembered that. She remembered dragging herself up off the ground, coughing the stale air out of her lungs as her vision swam behind her eyes. And Anakin was there. She couldn’t even see him, really, but she felt him next to her, watching over her … and then he was holding her.

He laughed a bit awkwardly when he pulled away, tried to play it off like everything was normal and nothing had happened – hey, Snips – and they never spoke about it again. But Ahsoka remembered it. Her master had never hugged her before, and never did again. Jedi tended to shy away from that sort of physical embrace in general – it was too emotional, too irrational, a sign of attachment. Ahsoka rather thought he hadn’t even meant to do it. Something had come over him and he just grabbed her as tightly as he could.

Take it easy on him, Obi-Wan would tell her weeks later, when Ahsoka was stewing about another new mission Anakin had decided was too dangerous to include her. He watched you die. He’s not going to forget that any time soon.

So quickly did the moment pass that she hadn’t even thought to hug him back.

She regretted that sometimes.

In retrospect, there was an irony in how frantic he became whenever he felt she was in any sort of danger when compared to his training methods. Ahsoka couldn’t imagine what the council might have said if they knew Anakin was regularly ordering his men to fire stun shots at his padawan until she missed a deflection and landed unconscious on the hanger floor. But the more you thought about it, the more it went hand-in-hand.

“I want you to be prepared for anything,” Anakin had told her. “I want to know you could survive anything.” Overpreparation, due to overprotection. It made sense.

Though it hadn’t seemed fair to her at first – how did this prepare her for anything? She could pass the droid tests with flying colors. When would she ever need to fight the clones? (there was the true irony – Ahsoka never could have foreseen the frenzied chase through the sewers of Coruscant). It felt as though her master was setting her up to fail.

But as she got older, as she learned to foresee the shots before they were fired, as she found herself going longer and longer – five minutes before she got hit with a blast, then ten, then twenty, then half an hour, until Anakin was calling the exercise over before she ever ended up on the floor – only then did she realize that he was doing the opposite. She learned to think on her feet, to pay attention to all things at once without ever losing focus, to stay calm and collected and in control no matter what it was she was facing.

It especially came in handy in the moments when Ahsoka found herself responsible for more than just herself. Jinx and O-Mer on the Trandoshan Island Four, for one, or Lux and his team of Onderon rebels. Or the younglings on the Gathering test. Just the thought of that series of events gave Ahsoka a headache, even though it had all turned out alright in the end. All in all, she had been pretty pleased with how she had handled Hondo’s sudden unprovoked attack, even if it had gone horribly wrong in the last seconds of their escape. Finding herself overpowered and handcuffed on a drunken pirate’s ship was certainly not her brightest moment, but oh well. They had all made it out in the end.

“I haven’t spoken to Anakin,” Obi-Wan told her once she and the younglings were safely aboard the cruiser. It was a calm, quiet statement, an offhand remark that almost masked the seriousness beneath it.

Ahsoka nodded, matching his faux unconcern. “Good. Best not to worry him.”

They stood there nodding together on the bridge, as if they weren’t both acutely aware that a worried Anakin might have resulted in a Republic invasion of Florrum instead of the Separatists.

Of course, he had to find out eventually, and when he did Ahsoka could sense him fuming all the way from the hanger as he stormed up to meet them.

“You just let him go?” he snapped at Obi-Wan. “He attacked and boarded a non-military vessel, tried to kill six children to steal their kyber crystals, and held a Jedi commander captive for several rotations and you just let him fly off into the sunset?”

“Grievous destroyed his base, Master. He lost his stronghold and most of his men. He’s not going to bother us again anytime soon.” Ahsoka hoped she sounded appropriately soothing. She had told Anakin that Hondo had planned to ransom her to the Separatists to collect a Jedi bounty, which riled him up enough as it was. That was fine. He didn’t need to know about the private buyer looking for a female Jedi. Quite honestly, Ahsoka would’ve been happy if she never had to think about that ever again – she didn’t need Anakin using it as a reason to hunt the pirate across the galaxy and beat him to a bloody pulp.

“Besides, we have more pressing matters to attend to,” said Obi-Wan, ever the face of logic. “Ahsoka is fine, Anakin. The younglings are safe. We must move forward.”

Her master grunted, still scowling, but relenting all the same. It was later, as they headed for their quarters, that he brought it up again.

“How did you end up on their ship in the first place?”

“I had the younglings reroute power to the engines to break the boarding tube.” Ahsoka smirked. “Sucked Hondo and all his men back to his ship. I just got caught up in it.”

Anakin raised his eyebrows, considering the strategy. “Impressive. You came up with that on the spot?”

Her smirk widened. “Yep.” Her master was never one for superfluous praise – whenever he complimented her actions, she knew he was truly impressed. It never failed to fill her with pride.

Of course, he always managed to find something meriting improvement.

“You should have waited until you were in a sealed chamber, though,” he said. “That suction could have killed you even without the pirates.”

“Well, that was the plan.” Ahsoka huffed. “There were … complications.”

He snorted. “Isn’t there always?” They turned the corner of the hall, nodding in acknowledgment at the brief salutes from passing clones. General, Commander.

After a bit, Anakin cleared his throat. “Well, we’re heading to Coruscant for a bit, so hopefully you’ll get a bit of a break before we’re back in the Outer Rim.” He glanced at her for only a moment before turning forward once more. “I’ve had enough of loaning you out to others.”

Ahsoka grinned to herself. Oh Anakin, never one to share. “Sounds good to me.”

It wasn’t often that Anakin “loaned her out” so to speak – there were precious few who he seemed to trust with her. Obi-Wan of course was an exception, and Rex, and Senator Amidala (although Ahsoka always got the impression that he was more trusting her with the senator, rather than the other way around), but even then, he’d get noticeably grumpy when he had to send her off on a mission that he himself was not a part of. But Ahsoka knew his moodiness was a compliment, deep down. Even if he didn’t want to part with her, he trusted her abilities enough that he couldn’t think of a reason to keep her behind.

“You and Master Skywalker are very close,” Barriss had commented once, while they were both on a rare break from battle at the temple.

The way she said it – like it was a bad thing, like there was something wrong with it – made Ahsoka frown.

“I suppose,” she said, hoping that the prickliness in her chest didn’t appear in her voice. “But aren’t all masters supposed to be close with their padawans?” The bond between a Jedi teacher and his apprentice is strong, Cad Bane had sneered down at her. Although even Ahsoka had to admit that she wasn’t sure how many other Jedi would have chosen the life of their padawan over that of thousands of innocent children …

She chose not to think about it.

Barriss only hummed. “I suppose so …” She didn’t look up.

Ahsoka felt bad for Barriss, which was funny because she was pretty sure Barriss felt bad for her. Barriss was uncomfortable around Anakin – she never would admit it out loud, but Ahsoka could tell. And she understood, to a point. Barriss found comfort in etiquette and decorum, in following the rules and sticking to the plan, the kind of thing that would make Anakin spontaneously combust. And Anakin’s methods … certainly differed from Master Luminara’s, that was certain. Barriss was horrified when Ahsoka mentioned how she trained with the clones, so much so that she never brought it up with anyone else ever again.

But Ahsoka felt bad for her. Luminara might never send her padawan into a throng of armed soldiers to fend off blaster shots until she succumbed to a stun blast, but that was the problem, wasn’t it? Anakin did what he did because he wanted her to survive. She knew that better than anything else, and everyone else did too. Luminara herself admitted it, on Geonosis, after the weak signal Ahsoka had frantically hotwired meters and meters beneath the smoking debris brought Anakin digging his way down to the both of them.

“Your master never gave up on you.”

Of course he didn’t. Anakin believed in her, would always do everything he could to find her safely, made sure that she would be able to make it out herself when he couldn’t. But there was the unspoken admission in there as well, and she was certain Barriss heard it, had known it from the beginning. Because while Ahsoka held her breath and flicked the wires of her commlink against the power cell, Barriss sat back, her face a mask of stone, and waited for the air to run out.

Sometimes Ahsoka wondered how things might have been different if they had switched – if Barriss had found herself Anakin’s padawan, and Ahsoka Luminara’s. Would Barriss still abandon the Order if her master did not abandon her first? Would Ahsoka do so instead? She supposed she already did, in a way.

She felt guilty for leaving. She didn’t regret it, necessarily – she couldn’t have stayed after that, after everything. Ahsoka had made her decision before she walked into the council chambers that afternoon, but nothing they said made her question it. If the weight of the situation hadn’t been so overwhelming, she might have laughed – the only Jedi who ever apologized to her was Anakin, the only Jedi in the room who had nothing to apologize for.

But that was what made her feel guilty – the fact that he apologized to her, the way he smiled so warmly at her as he held out her silka beads, how he seemed so certain, so excited that things would finally return to as they were. And the way he went running after her – she had known he would. Some part of her had hoped she’d make it out of the temple before he caught her, because she was afraid he’d talk her out of it. She almost couldn’t look at him.

“What about me? I believed in you, I stood by you!”

That’s what hurt. Knowing that he didn’t understand – that he’d never truly understand, no matter how much he insisted that he did – that he’d never be able to accept that it wasn’t about him and that there was nothing more he could have done to keep her … that hurt. It’s not about you, Anakin, but he’d never be able to see it. He was the reason she almost stayed, but he’d only ever remember that she walked away.

“The Jedi Order is your life. You can’t just throw it away like this. Ahsoka, you are making a mistake.”

“Maybe. But I have to sort this out on my own. Without the council, and without you.”

He trained her to survive, with or without him. She just didn’t think he considered that she’d ever choose to be without him.

…

The meeting with her old masters didn’t go as smoothly as she had hoped. Realistically, Ahsoka had known it would be unlikely that she’d be able to convince Obi-Wan to drop everything and invade a neutral system, even if it was in the name of catching Maul. But Anakin was always ready for a fight, and both of them knew the danger of leaving Maul in a position of unchecked power throughout the galaxy. Ahsoka had thought that maybe they’d be open to it. But as expected, Obi-Wan had been resistant, and Anakin’s interests seemed to lay more in reconnecting than with business. And then of course Bo-Katan got upset and antagonistic with them, which Obi-Wan deescalated with his typical polite composure but which certainly did not help their case.

She was also caught off guard by how much Anakin and the clones had prepared for her. Just hearing the same old greetings as they walked through the halls – General, Commander – was overwhelming. The 501st’s repainted helmets with her facial markings left her absolutely speechless. Ahsoka had expected the men to be bitter upon her return – surely, they’d be hurt, that she had abandoned them at a point of the war when they needed her help most. She hadn’t been prepared for how eager they were to have her return.

It was a problem. She almost wished they hated her. As it was, it only served to further weaken her resolve. It made her wish to stay even more.

And then of course there was Anakin, who was as excited as a puppy the moment she stepped off the gangway. She wouldn’t have been surprised if he had planned all this specifically to coax her back for good – or perhaps he had convinced himself she was back for good already, and this was his welcoming home party. Either way, the ache in her heart only grew when he pulled out the box with her old lightsaber hilts, retrieved from the pits of Coruscant and polished shiny as new. How long must he have searched to recover them? How long must he have worked to restore them? How many hours had he spent with them, that their blades shifted from green to his shade of blue? The probable answers brought tears to her eyes. Ahsoka plucked them from the box and it felt like coming home. His smile welcomed her back.

“That’s what friends are for.”

But just when it seemed that the invasion of Maul’s Mandalore would be approved, word came in that Coruscant was under attack. The Chancellor was in danger. The fleet was to be dispatched immediately. Ahsoka nearly saw red.

But Anakin stepped in – it was odd, seeing him take up the role as mediator, but it suited him more than one would expect. His suggestion of splitting the 501st, promoting Rex to Commander and sending them with Ahsoka to Mandalore, was acceptable enough to Obi-Wan.

“You capture Maul, I’ll take care of Grievous – with any luck, this will all be over soon.”

“Master Kenobi always said there was no such thing as luck.”

She could hear the smirk dripping into his voice. “Good thing I taught you otherwise.”

Ahsoka watched as he walked away, the lump in her throat growing stronger with every step he took. Why did she feel on the brink of tears? It was almost over – in a few rotations, they’d be sitting together exchanging stories over lunch like old friends. Anakin was capable. He’d have the Coruscant situation wrapped up in a neat little bow quicker than one could blink. She’d be seeing him again. Of course she would.

Why then, did she suddenly feel so scared?

“Anakin!”

Ahsoka didn’t really have a reason for calling him back – she just needed him to stop, don’t walk away, if only so she could see his face again. When he did turn back to look at her, brows raised quizzically, she felt almost frozen.

She thought of Mortis, how surprising that had been, how wrong it was for a Jedi to lose control of their emotions like that.

But I’m no Jedi.

Anakin wasn’t expecting it. She felt his confusion in the air as she rushed to close the gap between them, felt him stiffen when she threw her arms around his shoulders. She had to move fast, after all – fast enough to keep herself from overthinking her way out of acting. Once she had though, time seemed to slow to a halt.

Anakin softened far before she did on Mortis. It was only a millisecond before she felt his hands snake around her back, pressing her as tightly to his chest as she did him. Perhaps he had been waiting for this, hoping for it, since she stepped on to the cruiser. He rested his chin on the crown of her head, nestled in the valley between her montrals. That felt nice. Holding him, being held by him – that felt nice too. Ahsoka didn’t want to let go.

Eventually she had to – although her master seemed even more reluctant than she to relinquish his grip. He studied her when they had stepped away from each other, a gentle sort of concern etched across his features.

“You alright, Snips?” he asked softly.

Ahsoka nodded. Swallowed. Found her words. “Good luck out there.”

He exhaled, an amused huff. “You too,” he said, with a gentle pat against her arm. “See you in a bit.”

Ahsoka watched as he left, that ever-present Anakin jaunt in his step as he hurried off down the halls. She wasn’t sure what she was worried about. They’d see each other again.

Some things never changed.

#star wars the clone wars #the clone wars #ahsoka tano #anakin skywalker #hurt/comfort #canon compliant #but at the end it does turn into a minor #fix it fic #cozy writes #memory

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goldeneyedgirl · 11 months ago

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Sonya! (Imagine, for a moment, that Tumblr Staff actually fixed the bug that means I have to screenshot and tag you @sonyawix for replies.) I missed you!

Jasper's just there realising that a couple of decades of training and practice with the Cullens was no match for a tiny teenage girl who looks at him like he's the second coming. She did more for his self-esteem in one night than anyone has done for him since he was human.

Jasper's softer in STL and his trauma has already been sorted, organised, and filed in his mental storage unit so he just has to simp over worry about Mary-Alice. Mary-Alice has the trauma conga-line but it gets pretty soft for both of them starting next chapter.

But it's why Jasper chapters are usually easier to write.

And listen, we all switch hyperfixations. I read a whole bunch of MCU fics that had Correct Vibes but Incorrect Takes, and beautililies had to stop me from writing MCU fic before I worked on Jalice fics. Also the idea I am carrying 70% of your Jalice experience is fucking wild. What do you want? I feel like I need to give you something because 2024 was not my most active year ever.

My little Mabel has recovered from the infections she had well, but decided to keep things interesting and acquired an ear infection which has since been upgraded to a double ear infection because what's more fun than a lot of credit card debt? Even more credit card debt! She is why I can only stare longing at Coach bags and not own fun stuff like that.

And honestly, I join you in solidarity that my sister and father are also Shitty Fucking People. Sometimes, people are rancid, and we just need to salute their bullshit and carry on our merry way.

It is law that if you bring up Anathema, I post something. I picked this scene WIP because Alice being a dramatic teenage girl is somehow so funny in my head? I can't wait to get to a scene where she's dramatic in front of Jasper and he's just "...you're adorable, you know that right?" And she's like, "absolutely not."

But for now, Alice makes a small scene.

“This is to never get back to the Clearwaters,” I could hear Freddie saying to Charlie Swan in a low voice. “Any of them. I trust you, Charlie.”

Charlie sighed. “Fred, I’ve known you a long time, and I don’t like this at all. What is so important you have to meet with them alone, without Sue and Billy knowing?"

Silence, and I was tempted to creep up the hallway to be able to hear better.

“… This is about Alice and her well-being. If… I have reason to believe that if Sue, Harry, and Billy knew more about Alice’s … health and genetic make-up, they would be deeply unhappy."

That was most likely an understatement. I had a feeling that if Sue found out that I was biologically half-vampire, I would be persona-non-grata in the Clearwater household. There was a fifty-percent chance that Harry would hunt me for sport, honestly. His aim with a shotgun was second-to-none.

Dr Cullen had brought his wife, and there was something almost funny seeing them in our home - they were both dressed in very stiff, fancy clothing, standing in the entrance looking awkward. I was in the kitchen finishing the washing up in pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt; both Freddie and Charlie were still wearing work clothing.

The apartment was still mostly in the late 60s style from when it was built. Lots of brown and yellow. Freddie always intended to renovate, but we never seemed to get around to it - moving all the books would take us days, and we’d have to stay downstairs. It was cozy up here, and if we made any changes, it would be to clean out the third floor.

“Hello Alice.” Mrs Cullen smiled so warmly at me, but I felt oddly shy, offering a little wave as I put plates back into the cupboard.

“Turn on the coffee maker, love, before you go,” Freddie said, and I got the message that this wasn’t going to be a meeting I was included in. I wasn’t upset about that; somehow Dr and Mrs Cullen were far and away more intimidating than Jasper was. Somehow the golden eyes and the pale skin that looked so right on him made me nervous around them.

Thankfully, Dulcie was having dinner with her brother’s family tonight. It meant we could have this meeting at home and she’d probably bring home left-over dessert. Hopefully that really good blueberry donut thing that Mrs Stanley usually made for Dulcie’s birthday.

It also meant that whilst I had been told I wouldn’t be joining in on the meeting today, there was no one in the house that would check to make sure I was wearing headphones and watching movies on my laptop instead of eavesdropping for all I was worth. And in my defence, I had to know what Freddie was telling everyone so I didn’t mess up the story later on. It was just planning ahead.

“He can read minds?” I shrieked, giving myself away instantly.

Charlie Swan swore, sloshing his coffee in surprise, as the rest of them spun around to look at me in the hallway.

“Alice,” Freddie groaned but I didn’t care that I would be doing extra cleaning this week or whatever as punishment.

A girl’s mind is private. There are things happening up there that die with me, okay?

Things like me contemplating the logistics of having sex on a gurney now that I’d met Jasper and realised he was a foot and a half taller than me, and probably 100lb heavier.

Or the fact that whilst my visions hadn’t been instructional, so to speak, they had given me a certain amount of reference material to reflect on. I might never have been a Girl Scout, but I do like to be prepared.

And the idea that one of the Cullens could mind-read and had probably told the entire family that a good fifty-percent of my brain power was solely dedicated to what I had seen of Jasper’s body in my vision at any time was… not ideal. Not at all how I planned to integrate myself into their lives. I was aiming for lovable future daughter-in-law, not mouth-breathing creeper.

“Edward considers the contents of everyone’s mind private, unless harm would result in keeping it secret,” Mrs Cullen quickly reassured me. Please. I had seen Leah and Seth together; I knew what siblings were like. There was no way in hell that Jasper hadn't been informed that I had absolutely noticed he was ripped when he helped me up.

“I’m taking a lot of emotional damage learning this,” I said slightly hysterically. “Can he hear everything?”

“Only when he’s present.” Was Dr Cullen laughing at me? He looked amused.

“Alice,” Freddie sounded tired. “There are brownies in the downstairs freezer if you want some dessert.”

Huh. It was bad if Freddie was bribing me with the catering supplies.

“That would help,” I said, trying to walk through the kitchen to get a knife with some kind of dignity. “You understand why I would be uncomfortable with a teenage boy reading my mind, right?”

“I think we’re all on the same page about that,” Charlie said. He didn’t look amused.

"Alice, I really don't think there's anything in your head that Edward Cullen would worry about," Freddie said, obviously trying to sound comforting and mostly made me want to slam my head against a wall.

"I've had unmonitored access to the internet since I was eleven and no boyfriend! Or girlfriend! There's plenty up there I don't want Jasper's brother knowing!" I snatched up the cake knife and looked over to see Freddie looking like he needed a drink, Charlie Swan looking the most uncomfortable I had ever seen him - and that included the ass-injury incident - and Mrs Cullen trying very unsuccessfully not to laugh at me.

"And now I've made it worse. I'm calling Cynthia!"

It's not the fact that my father was a vampire that makes me a freak. I manage to do that all by myself.

#asks #sonyawix #alice lying on the floor of the downstairs kitchenette eating bulk brownie slabs and whining to her sister that's she humiliated herself #and cynthia is like “i think you're exaggerating”#and alice is like “nope his brother knows i have thought long and hard about... stuff and i just confirmed that to his MOTHER'S face.”#“this is why homeschooling should be illegal” - cynthia brandon every time she takes to alice in crisis #yeah i fell down the druig/makkari rabbit hole this week to fuel the last few chapters of jar of hearts #and listen somehow i'm just more psyched to write jalice fic #it was just nice to be able to sink into a huge long fic and not think for a while 11/10 highly recommend dabbling in other fandoms

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ballonleaparadise · 1 year ago

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Some Autism Headcanons for Orla

Disclaimer before I start- This is just fun speculation based on my experiences with having autism myself, and my hyperfixation on Orliede is never ending 🥴 Orla is such an interesting character and has given me neurodiverse vibes from the start of Horizons. I also want to affirm that when I say things like 'many' or 'most' autistic people, I am not referring to the entire autistic population, bcs everyone is different!

. Orla seems to have trouble regulating her emotions- there are many instances when we see her lose her temper or snap at the other rvt members. In episode 21, her emotions are so strong that they scare away Liko's Hatenna. This could be interpreted as simply being irritable, but experiencing intense feelings/emotions is a common trait of autism.

. Linking to my previous point, while Orla experiences such intense emotions, she seems to have difficulty in identifying them. In episode 39, there's a silly moment when Orla loses her temper, where she says "I promise I won't be angry", to which Friede points out that she is "Already angry." Alexithymia, or difficulty in identifying feelings and emotions is a lot more common in autistic people than in allistic people. Of course, this might have just been done for comedic effect- but with what we already know about Orla's moods, it kinda makes sense.

. She masks- Many autistic people, especially women with the condition, mask their traits in order to appear neurotypical. In formal situations- such as in ep. 3 when introducing herself to Liko, Orla is a calm and collected individual. Her outgoing personality also means that she is very welcoming towards new rvt members. At the start of the show, I had her down as a level-headed type ngl -which is only half true when you consider her temper.

. Arguably, Orla's struggles and anxieties come to light when she is under stress. One of the main traits of autism is difficulty in social interaction/reading social cues. Firstly, Orla sometimes misjudges the intentions of others. An instance of this is in ep. 39 when she accuses Murdock and Mollie of nicking her newly brought iron when it goes missing. Secondly, she can make blunt and overly honest remarks that do not reciprocate the emotions of the people around her. (Dot also has this trait but that's for another discussion...) An example of this is again in episode 39 when Orla complains about having to do even more repairs because of Tinatink, while everyone else is just celebrating Dot's capture. Back in episode 21, Mollie herself jokingly calls Orla "tactless."

. However, it is clear that this is not how Orla intends to come accross: She is very caring towards her friends as shown in episode 29, when she tries to protect Liko and Roy against the Galarian Weezing. In addition, she always goes the extra mile to help others with repairs on the ship, even when the workload is huge. Alongside this, she cares deeply for Friede- she built the Brave Asagi just for him, with the help of Metang (and she's a perfect match for Friede don't get me started 😤). Contrary to popular belief, autistic people can feel deep empathy and compassion towards others, to the point where it is overwhelming. However, a common difficulty is expressing and showing these feelings.

. For many autistic people, interests are a lot more intense than that of neurotypical people. As a mechanic and the engineer of the Brave Asagi, Orla is well known as a 'machine enthusiast'. In episode 22, she literally fangirls over a pair of gears which she has obtained from Motostoke. I know everything in the anime is over-exagerrated but this is kinda funny and quirky. On top of this, in episode 29, Orla suggests that machines have feelings just like people, and all they need is a "bit of love." The amount of affection that she has towards her interest is definitely atypical... to me anyways.

. Linking to this, Orla is shown to be a very pedantic person when dealing with repairs. This is shown again in episode 29 when she is particular about the way in which craftsman Khana takes care or her machinery. Being pedantic is a less-known autistic trait, (as we like everything to be done properly dfjshdd).

Lastly, you can NOT tell me that the Brave Asagi is not a neurodiverse invention, I mean look at it... Jokes aside, I think that's everything I wanted to muse about lmao. Thank you for so much reading this exhaustive post! Again, this is just speculation but Orla is so autistic-coded to me 🥰

#pokemon orla #rising volt tackler orla #headcanons #autism headcanons #pokemon horizons #anipoke #pokeani #pokemon anime #metang #friede #rambles #orliede #brave asagi shipping #the brave asagi #pokemon orio #long post #autism

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ella-the-fella · 11 months ago

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Behold! 1!1!1!1 two very awesome sauce stories that I made for funni! (I'm Hyperfixated on the second one)

The Joyous Massacre

An infamous drugs and sciences company known as G.L.E.E. (Yes it stands for something) has been reported putting a drug called J. O. Y (yes it also stands for something) in it's products (which everyone had consumed because it was the only company in the area that had food. It was the only company in general) , this J.O.Y. is like a happy pill except worse in a way. It not only makes the individual concerningly happy upon consumption, and a bit insane, but also inevitably stupid, why do this you may ask? Well that's so the citizens wouldn't realize how bad and cruel of a company G.L.E.E truly is. the owner of the company, SIR. JOYOUS, has done absolutely horrible things and he wanted to make sure no one went against him. But eventually a detective woman named Saviela was the first to truly realize how bad the company really was. So she managed to get a few people who weren't under the effects of the drug at that time and formed a small little "revolution" if you will. When SIR JOYOUS saw this, he was NOT happy (shocking ik). So he set a new goal to take everyone who went against him and used them for his wicked experiments. And when Saviela noticed how many people were going missing. She went on to find those people. And try to put a stop to what was eventually deemed.....

.....The Joyous Massacre.......

Sugabelle

SugaBelle is a world featuring dreamcore/weirdcore/kidcore/others and overall oddness. This all takes place in a giant cursed asylum that is somehow alive. Many creatures and occasional tormented humans reside here. But here is a warning for you. You will end up dying at some point..... Rules go as follows:

always take your medication. it helps with many things that happen around here.

never. EVER. leave the asylum (even though it's almost impossible)

be nice to the caretakers and all that work here

don't wake up. Be careful when you're sleeping or you will end up waking up in the waking world. You do not want to go to the waking world. Do not wake up.

you are not above anyone. Yet you are not below anyone either. Depending on what you did in the waking world. We will either treat you as just another human or a monster.

death is not preventable.

The asylum expands infinitely. And though some parts of it are severely dangerous, sometimes you can find peace.

#ella does silly willy things #stories #my stories

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dennydraws · 2 years ago

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The tumblr healing process...

Coming back to being more active on tumblr felt like someone cast regen on me. It didn't heal me right away but I began to slowly feel back at home.

I missed the long comments in the hashtags, it's such a funny tumblr thing to experience. I always look at it like learning the lore behind a mutual xD

I missed the ask box! Oh, how I missed the ask box... I missed going in people's boxes and nerding about a thing or just saying hi and I missed getting those random hug messages cause as silly as they may seem, they always brightened my day!!

I missed making new mutuals and nerding about common things and being like excited possums over something we both feel hype about!

I missed opening the dash and seeing random cool things or puns or whatever is my mutuals' current hyperfixation and watching them reblog and hype about a thing, even when I don't understand the thing, it still fills me with so much serotonin!

I think I missed just being happy about little reblogs that vibed with me, rather than be taken away by twitter's torrent of content... It's good to be back here ;u;

#Good Morning!#blogging time!#don't mind me I just felt mushy about things here!

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mysticalsoot · 2 years ago

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I think mulder is very bad at small talk/social contracts, he often annoys/angers people, doesn't really follow social norms. Scully is a lot better with small talk but I think she has more trouble making immediate connections, while mulder tends to immediately empathize with people. Sort of, mulder is worse at masking with high empathy, while scully is better at masking with lower emotional reciprocity. For mulder he is incredibly obsessed with the paranormal, often starts infodumping. Scully makes a comment about it in Alpha when he starts listing cryptids. He also has an extensive knowledge of sports statistics and a lot of pop culture knowledge, especially science fiction. In Hollywood AD we see him watching a movie and knowing it line for line, and he says he's seen it 42 times. Mulder often forgets to eat, in Chinga we see he only has expired orange juice in his fridge. In the same ep we also see him sorting pencils and throwing them into the ceiling. He often sits with all the lights off to think. I also think him eating the sunflower seeds is an oral stim. Anyway uhhhhhh. It's really funny listening to Fox Mulder Is A Maniac (podcast) because they'll always go "hes so crazy and insane for this" and its always just an autism symptom. Usually they'll talk a lot about how he's bad at social relationships. Anyways Fox Mulder autism real.

anon I absolutely adore you for this-

YOU ARE SO RIGHT!! ITS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING!!

also the inflection in their voices, both tend to have difficulty (I've noticed) in giving their voices more distinct tone and emotion. they speak more monotone, and even with people they know!!

mulder has intense interests and hyperfixations and in the earlier episodes misses different cues/jokes

all in all; I AGREE I AGREE I AGREE

i tried telling my dad and my sibling but both say no and that there's no way either of them could be autistic and I'm just like... what world do you live in (both my dad and sibling are autistic but they're both amab and have similar views in autism being linear in how they experience it, mostly my dad)

also I love long asks like these omg I loved getting to read ur thoughts anon!!

#connorshitposts #anon <3 #connor talks xfiles

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 9 months ago

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dp used to be like. probably my first full on hyperfixation when i was a kid. i used to be so obsessed for so long (which is a bit funny because i could only watch it on tv and at the time they didn't even translate and air last episodes in my country they deadass just gave up and i only watched them years later) so now when i see another fan in the wild it's like a sleeper agent activation event for me 🤝

GOD DUDE YOU ARE TALKING TO . THE MOST DP BRAINED GUY EVER. my longest running favorite piece of media. it's soooooo so so extremely important to me. foundational experience. I watched it live w my dad and brother every weekend when I was a kid and then rewatched it when they put it up on Netflix in like 2012/13 and it has just. lived in my brain for like 17 yrs of my life . GOOD SHOW. GOOD SHOW!!!!!!!! kind of extremely funny 2 me that you didn't get the last couple episodes because whatever one you were left off on is PROBABLY better than phantom planet anyway so u weren't missing much imo

IF U WERE COMING HERE FOR NHW i assume that means u know abt worm as well (if not u should totally read it bc it's so good) and i ALWAYS enjoy when there r overlap in fanbases so if u ever want to talk about dp power classification with the worm mechanics... I have so many thoughts on that forever

#dp is sooooo everythint to me. i love it SO much. doing movie nights w ros and whiskey bc theyve never seen it before is SO incredibly fun #bc theyre like. wow hes just like william wisp #and im like THATS WHAT I SAID WHEN I LISTENED TO PD THE FIRST TIME. HES JUST LIKE DANNY PHANTOM.#fun experience of equal and opposite reactions to our favorite little ghost boys....#god you wanna takn about sleeper agents. ask. ALL of my friends once i start talking abt dp i will not shut up abt it ever #asks #msvrtt

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hallowvalley · 1 month ago

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When will people see me for me???????;will my death be trying to convey a message or be the message? Ha ha ha.

That's not funny brain.

I might go to the plasma place in the morning and say hello to everyone it makes me happy going there. Guy keeps texting me to hangout at the bar with him and his gf, get an odd vibe they are looking for a 3rd. He's asked for weeks hfjejbdrkje uhhhhhhhhhhhvMaybe it's the bisexual hunch. I'm a lil eeehhhhhhhhh. Emo night sounds fun but like I don't drink and get violently high and don't like being around people and don't really wannannna be apart of that 😎and incredibly awkward in talking for long extended periods of time because I start to dissociate halfway through ha ha ha. I am in my own marvel universe rn please stop talking to me there is an action scene in my head I need to replay it 86 more times. I have enough backstory to be a marvel character right??????? Or does one of my parents need to die randomly and tragically??? Mandatory marvel experience. This is why I can't make friends who want to talk to me MY GOD. MY SOCIAL METER RUNS OUT SO QUICK I NEED TO RUN OFF AND RECHARGE

Gut instinct, probably do not want to hang out with me. Initially I was like oh :D PEOPLE! But in my brain I have to also be like oh people..... People like me....? Whatdouwant? LMFAO WHO WANTS TO DO THAT??? HANG OUT WITH ME? That sounds pitiful but it's been me for months. I tend to make myself happy and keep myself occupied. Being alone? Has helped me so much- being alone. I was scared before because it reminded me so much of being in my room for.... Years.... But I don't freak out like I used too. I couldn't sit with it before- I needed to be alone fully to jumpstart me into that healing. I needed to sit with it. Everything I wasn't feeling? Needed to be felt.

Well I mean I hve my mom but we don't tend to talk that much only about work or her ex husband or jailbird brother lmfaodhdbkwwbbs She buys a lot of food and I kinda shrug off in my room. I try some of the food but other things I want to try and know I can't have. Some days I give in. Makes me feel worse. We used to bond over it- now she talks about new pizza places and it made me cry the other day???? Think I'm just a lil emotional recently fhjdjwbfkfekejeb I don't knooooooooow

Ohohoh I love him dearly and I keep hyperfixating on this... but he didn't want to see me suffer and I was falling worse in my addiction. I needed therapy. I can see that CLEARLY now- my mom and dads voice always in the back of my head can u pray it out????????????? I didn't want too- he cannot force me too, he cannot heal me. My PTSD was making his anxiety worse and I didn't know how to cope with it. I mean I hope he knows???? that love will always be there. He was my other half. I thought about him everyday and that sounds obsessive but it was anger and hurt and love and grief and now it's just reflection and love and yearning. I miss him so much. I don't want him to remember me as just being mean. I really did make it hurt huh???? Now I'm sitting with it and it hurts worse. I'm not a mean person. I can be mean but I was hurting so badly and I feel guilty for taking it out on him. i feel guilty for taking it on myself.

My body hurt and people were treating me badly and I subconsciously knew it but I finally felt good at something. I was selfish because I heard him so many times- it's making you worse. I knew it was. Alot of my life I was only rewarded and complimented on my body and my weight loss- this was just something I felt good at? Even if I never felt the smartest I don't know I didnt need praise or approval from others- I knew why I got into it. God put me on this path for a reason..it has taught ME SO MUCH PATIENCE LMFAO THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.

I could see myself getting worse in our relationship and it makes me sad because I genuinely believe that it was something good. I had gone through too much to process and honestly didn't even start to acknowledge it until January. I needed change. Ifeellikeiruineverythingahahahahahah. I needed to see a relationship in a different viewpoint. You don't know what you have until you lose it hahahahahaha hahahaha ouch . I needed to figure myself out. I know everything happens for a reason. As cheesy as it all sounds I needed to endure this pain to feel this peace. I am content. I am kind hearted. I am loving. I am patient, I am loved despite my flaws. Sometimes it hurts but its okay.. it's going to hurt and people will love me the same.. maybe not full arms in but that time will come and I will be loving and kind until than.

Might go on a walk after to clear my head I usually do. This just makes me sad, I want to be with him. I want to celebrate his birthday I want to eat shitty walmart cake with him. I want to send a message and belikepleasedonfbescaredihaveyourbirthdaytattooedonmyheartbuthappybirthday???? P.s itsoneofthefondestmemoriesihavelovingsomeonehahhahahahahahaahaahaahaha Am I hyperfixated on someone who doesn't love me😎 probably.(?)?(?)??)?!?) am I teenage girl with a crush? Yes. Ha ha ha

I'm not mad anymore I don't hold anger like that in me anymore. i can't. I'm tired. I'm so incredibly tired. I want to be able to relax with him I want to be able to be loved without that barrier I had. I feel so scared all the time and it's been making me so emotional recently ???? Brain feels safe around him but I don't want to hover???? I get so incredibly awkward it makes me cringe. Howdoisayyouaremtsafeplace?

I spent my birthday alone but that was also the night that invoked change. It needed to be this way. I needed to get out of the cycle. There was no way around it. I wouldn't have changed if it wasn't for that night- shit I'd probably be dead. I genuinely believe if I did not choose myself? I would be 6 feet under.

Solar return has a funny way of showing up and changing your viewpoint on yourself and EVERYTHING. ha . Ha. Ha. Death and rebirth death and rebirth death and rebirth. the universe/God practically screaming at me begging me for change from the coffin I've built for myself in these walls. I remember sobbing to an empty sky. Screaming for anybody to listen. I remember the conversation I had nights prior. I had gotten angry out of nowhere and j felt it clawing in me everyday until that night. I knew I needed change otherwise? The universe would force it on me.

GET OUT. YOU ARE NOT WANTED HERE. WHAT DISRESPECT HAVE YOU BEEN SHOWN? THE SWEAT, THE DISRESPECT, THE HARASSMENT, THE BLOOD THAT HAS BEEN SHED IN THIS PLACE? WHAT DID YOU DO IT FOR? OTHER PEOPLE? YOU ARE THE TOP PRIORITY! YOU HAVE HAD YOURSELF EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. YOU HAVE HAD YOUR BACK. YOU HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR YEARS. WHEN DO YOU REST? PUT THE GUARD DOWN. PUT IT DOWN. BE ANGRY AT THOSE WHO HAVE WRONGED YOU. NOT THE ONES WHO BASKED YOU IN LOVE. Be RIGHTEOUS IN YOUR ANGER. THOSE WHO HAVE WRONGED YOU EVERY NIGHT. YOU FEEL PARTS OF YOUR SOUL FLAKING OFF EVERYTIME YOU INTERACT WITH THEM. YOU ARE NOT HERE TO PLEASE. Open YOUR EYES.

WHO ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR CHRISTINA? THESE PEOPLE???? WHO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS??? YOU DONT DESERVE THIS. OPEN YOUR EYES. DID YOU SURVIVE ALL OF THAT TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS??????? OPEN YOUR EYES AND GET UP. GET UP. GET UP. GET OUT.

I felt it pressing in me I felt it like a knife. LOOK HOW THEY TREAT MY PEOPLE? YOU CANNOT FIX THIS. YOU CAN SHOW UP BUT IT WILL KILL YOU. IT IS NOT ENOUGH. OPEN YOUR EYES. THE LOVE YOU PUT OUT WASNT FOR NOTHING, IT HAS REACHED EVERY SINGLE PERSON IT NEEDED TOO. I WAS MEANT TO BE THERE- MY TIME THERE. I KNOW I REACHED PEOPLE THERE IS NOT A DOUBT WITHIN MY BRAIN. THE LOVE I PUT OUT ISNT FOR NOTHING. I SUFFERED BUT IT WASNT FOR NOTHING. EVERY SOUL I REACHED, EVERY PERSON I TREATED LIKE A HUMAN WHEN NO ONE TREATED THEM LIKE ONE?

I DO NOT LIVE IN REGRET. I DO NOT LIVE IN FEAR. I LIVE AND I LOVE FOR THE GOOD THAT IS COMING. I felt it in my chest, I felt it in my head, I felt it everywhere. Did I have a conversation with God that night? Did I? I don't know. I genuinely believe I was grasping onto anything after that night.

The night of my birthday. The anger... Oh my god. I felt it burning in me that night. That's when I saw him again.... 5 months later.... That's when he got punched. I saw him briefly in passing the night before. Got bit that same week I'm pretty sure. Got put as float that night. I was begging god for a sign and I really did get it huh? That was the sign. There needed to be changed. I was needed elsewhere. There is something about him that I feel CONNECTED TOO and I sound DELULULU but I felt it that night. I wouldn't be showing up like I do if it wasn't God's plan. Or the universes. Whoever was listening that night.

I wonder if he's feeling his solar return lmfoa, I FELT MINE in MY GODDAMN CHEST.

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taegimood · 2 months ago

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Fhajdhd happy to be 💖 anon 🥳!!! Oh noo but ik what you mean some of the other blogs from other fandoms also had the same issue like a lot of their community just vanished 😓 but yess im here to stay hehe 🙂‍↕️

Sameee I want to know all about their military stories and can’t wait for their comeback!! Also really really hoping when they go on tour they come to my country they were going to come here before but then covid happened :/ and yess I LOVEEE bts x txt content it’s always so funny and cute!!

love your experience of becoming a Soobin Stan I wanna know which pics were they share them with the class too bestie 🤭Andd yes ik what you mean because I too listen any song from any genre

have you seen any of your fav artists live in concert ? Alsoo what are you other hoobies ,stuff you’re a fan of besides music ?

~💖

omg i’m sorry you had to miss them because of covid 😭😭😭😭 i really hope they get to your country this time !!!!! manifesting u getting tickets 🕯️🤑

and the pics that made me a soobin ult were his lullaby concept pictures !!!! not to be dramatic and delulu or anything but it was love on SIGHT i’m so serious… like ofc i already knew him before but those pictures had me transcending planes and something just clicked 🙂‍↕️ he single-handedly catapulted me across the border into moaville after years of only listening to their music lmao temptation era is so very special 2 meeee <33 it’s funny cuz i actually loved their songs so much and had a whole playlist dedicated to them that i’d jam to all the time in the car but ig i was just so focused on other groups (especially bangtan) that i just never actually stanned until then, and then suddenly they were like everything to me LOL

as for concerts, i’ve seen txt 4 times! i’ve also seen nct 127, onewe, cix, xeed (they’re disbanded now rip), and have been to the changwon kpop festival where a lot of big artists performed so i got to see them all in one night. unfortunately haven’t seen anyone else yet, mainly just cuz i don’t actually have any irl kpop friends to go to stuff with (only 2 but they don’t live in korea) and i mean 3 of the 4 txt shows i’ve gone to were me going alone so it’s not like i can’t do it but.. it just makes me feel lonely lol. and unfortunately i haven’t seen any of my fav western artists live. they gotta come to korea more often 🙂‍↕️ i saw vance joy in new york in like 2016 which was a very good show but he was my friend’s fav not mine lol but what about you ?!

aaand my hobbies are v extensive 😵‍💫 mainly anything creative.. fashion, music, singing/dancing, writing, reading, makeup, drawing/painting, just making stuff in general, i’ve tried all different mediums of creating lol (adhd brain go brrrrr) and i love just getting cozy and binging dramas or movies.. also love video games and anime !! i also know how to tattoo.. i love nature and exploring.. learning about neat history stuff.. i also used to collect swords idk i could go on forever i’ve had enough hyperfixation eras to last a lifetime 💀 what are your hobbies teehee 🤓

#ask mj ♡#babe wake up minji’s lore dumping on main #taegimood #nonnie 💖!

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bisluthq · 3 months ago

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teachers should - I think these days are, I certainly am - really learn more psych. //

The funny thing is, not even the psychiatrist I went to when i was a child clocked it because I was a straight As “gifted” (hate that term but that’s what they described me as) kid.

All my reports go something like “super smart but needs to focus”, “lots of potential but very distracted”, “bright student but always forgets her homework”…

The more I grew up the worse it got and the worst of it was when I started working in corporate and all of my bosses hated me lol and one of them even told me that the only reason they were keeping me was because i’m very talented but I’m not disciplined (he also said I didn’t have manners and was rude but with that I don’t agree with, I’m very kind)

But the reason I am looking for a diagnosis is because my therapist subtly suggested I look into symptoms and after doing that a lot of things made sense

dude SO many things get/got missed because the kid is "gifted". My thing could NOT have been diagnosed when I was a child - it started to present at the normal time it was "supposed" to - but I definitely had precursors in terms of mood lability/fluctuations that were NOT "normal". I felt things EXTREMELY intensely and sometimes in too short a spate of time for it to be "normal" by the time I was a tween. Toddlers have temper tantrums and stuff, that's expected, but for instance one time I completely FREAKED OUT because I was late for school and started to refuse to go and my mum and then stepdad literally had to physically drag me out the house because I said if I'm late I may as well not go at all lol and not in a "trying to get out of it" way but just because the thought of being late was super extremely terrifying to me. Then I got to school and as far as I recall, had a perfectly good day lol. Weird.

I did also experience a fair amount of "trauma" (nothing really... that Extremely Bad until the thing with my mum's one ex and the abusive stuff but none of it was directed at me so even that didn't quite trigger as a huge problem). I just masked all of it and people thought I was a weird kid/weird person (which is also possibly true because the reason they kept taking me to shrinks as a kid is they could SEE I was a strange child - they actually kept suspecting autism because I would hyperfixate so strongly on stuff - from people where I'd get obsessed with a friend and then get bored and ditch them lol or hobbies or special interests - so basically just be idk really fucking weird). I was a weird child. But no one could ever diagnose anything because I was so smart and did so well at school and could mask it well enough that I just... seemed like a strange person.

Then in my teens I started partying and everything sort of fell into place from there and then I was obviously EXTREMELY fucking chaotic and had all the symptoms except I could finish degrees and stuff and so everyone I guess just figured I'm a chaotic, crazy (not in a diagnosable way lmao), flaky person who doesn't really know what she wants besides a party. I have also worked an INSANE amount of jobs, but I never got fired - I just kept leaving things or taking short term gigs lol and I could always rationalise my decisions to myself and out loud so everyone was like "oh... ok" but ya hindsight is 20/20 and the correct diagnosis helps SO FUCKING MUCH. Even if these meds aren’t fully the right meds, just UNDERSTANDING what’s going on is really fucking nice.

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seventh-district · 3 months ago

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hhhrrrhggrghrghhhhhhh

ok i'm continuing my tag-yapping under a cut bc the tag limit can’t even hope to contain me this morning

CW: vent post (<- bc i don't have room for it in the tags and while this isn't quite like my typical vent posts, it definitely still has a lot of. idk. negative vibes. so. idk guys just scroll on by and leave me to my insanity)

(also i suppose i should warn for Arcane and Stranger Things spoilers, and Genshin Impact leaks. how did we get here idk this post is a fucking mess)

[continuing from where the tags left off]

like i have seen just enough spoilers to know that it’s gonna be another Eddie Stranger Things situation for me again. and that fixation was terrible man like don’t get me wrong i enjoy him a very normal amount these days and it’s fine but at the beginning??? i grieved that MF like he was a real person bro it was embarrassing. it literally brought me back to one of the worst emotional states i’ve ever suffered through. being prone to hyperfixating is fun and all until you’re sobbing in bed losing ur mind over missing someone that never even existed and you can’t function in your day-to-day life. then it’s not so fun. but anyways time lessens the pain of all wounds or whatever and i eventually became normal about Eddie. but like man. man i’ve got quite the feeling that Viktor will put me in a similar state. maybe hopefully not quite so bad but like. mmm. it would be a very bad idea to finally watch the show at this point in my life, given that things have quite literally never been worse and are only getting worse-er. but I Do Not Control The Fixation and i made the mistake of falling down a reaction-video rabbit hole on YT the other day. which i always regret bc i always end up on some random new misogynistic republican man’s channel who i’ve never heard of before and i just hurt my own feelings and it makes me lose hope in humanity and. it’s just always a bad time. like i only follow a very select few reaction channels who i actually enjoy but then i click on one (1) video and the fucking recommended videos always pull me in different directions and next thing i know it’s 3 hours later and i’m on a very different part of the internet and i realize oh there’s actually a lot of hate in the world. how did i get here. anyways.

about halfway down the rabbit hole i was watching some therapist guy reacting to Arcane bc i wanted to see his reaction to the Viktor and Jayce “Am I interrupting?” scene from S1EP2 bc it’s literally the only scene i’ve watched in-full (yes i engage with media in a very non-linear way don’t ask why there’s just something wrong with me) and bro. when i fucking tell you it felt like i got hit by a truck the moment Viktor was on screen— ,,,….,.,… like i didn’t realize how long it’d been since i’d seen it. and i. you know that meme that’s like “hyperfixation so bad i can’t engage with the source material”? yeah i experience that. like a lot. and i had one of those moments then. bc like. i’ve enjoyed his character for a long time. from a… distance? bc i’ve just never been ready to let the fixation fully hit me. ….. dear god i’ve been microdosing blorbos. jesus christ that’s funny. anyways where was i.

yeah i like. i read a bit of Viktor fanfic and admire fanart and gifs from the show and i have learned some of the gist of what’s going on with him through a particular creator’s rp audios that i have played to absolute death bc they’re very good. so i’m like. already attached to the character. he’s up there in my head with all the other blorbos. but i’ve never fully engaged with the source material. and so when he came on screen in that guy’s reaction video it was like. idk how to describe it. staring at the sun? or like. taking too much of a drug… idk i can’t. find the right metaphor. but it was just. Intense and it hit me all at once and i literally had to close the video like— i couldn’t take it lmfao. but ever since that i’ve got this urge to finally watch the show in full. but i’ve gathered through out-of-context screenshots and bits of people’s reactions to S2 that he.. dies? i think?? possibly more than once??? like i don’t really know any details and have very little context to go off of but i am surmising that he loses himself in hextech and goes robo-jesus mode in his search for тhe Glorious Ovulation or whatever the fuck is going on in this show that he then. dies?? with Jayce??? or ascends to the astral realm or some shit. like i literally have no clue what’s going on in that screenshot that was all over tumblr for a while after S2 dropped but. something is happening and i think it’s gonna be sad. (lmao i'm rereading this and i gotta say the Russian T wasn't intentional, i was typing too fast and accidentally switched keyboards instead of capitalizing it. but it made me laugh so i'm leaving it)

and like. i recognize that a character’s death can serve a respectable purpose in a good story and death is an inevitable part of life and all that. i respect it. but u must also understand that i am a sensitive little baby who has to endure enough angst in my real life that i selfishly want all my fave little blorbos to live forever and ever and happily ever after off into the sunset. okay? duality of man or whatever. (well, the happily part isn’t rlly necessary. i love angst i just hate death. they don’t gotta be happy forever they just gotta be alive. there is. a Reason that one of Saoirse’s defining characteristics is their infinite revivals resulting in effective immortality. all the angst of death with none of the permanence. and there’s a Reason that a lot of my favorite characters are Gods and angels and demons and vampires and werewolves and cyborgs and automatons. long-life species. i want so much more time than i’m ever gonna get and i Will project that onto the media i create and consume. next question.) so. where was i. oh yeah. so like. while i Accept the fact that Viktor’s presumably gonna die. i just know it’s gonna be an Eddie situation with me again and i don’t think my fragile psyche can handle that rn. so i guess i’ll just suppress the desire to watch Arcane until morale improves.

which is probably wise regardless of the emotional impact it’ll have on me given that i’m in one of my migraine-prone phases again and i know myself well enough to know damn well that if i start watching it rn i’ll binge the whole thing in like 2 days, induce a god-awful migraine from the screen-staring and lose touch with reality in the process. and hate myself for wasting time on a show when i could be doing literally anything else. like that’s a major reason i hardly ever watch anything anymore bc it just makes me feel more guilty for being lazy. bc like. in my mind if i’m writing or coloring or playing a game or engaging in any hobby that requires me to interact with it in some way, i can feel less bad for wasting time on it bc i’m at least Doing something. but watching a show or a movie or even a YT video just feels that much more lazy bc i’m literally just laying in bed staring at a screen not moving or using my brain. and i realize that i wouldn’t ever criticize someone else for it but. there’s another standard when it comes to me. like i know i should be studying and learning and working and cleaning and exercising and socializing and forcing myself to attend to all the adult responsibilities that are piling up on me. so if i’m gonna keep avoiding them then the least i could do is do something at least pseudo-productive instead. (even if that’s spending 2 hours yapping on Tumblr about how i can’t decide what to do today. apparently)

OKAY it's 12pm and i'm back. i drafted this post and forced myself out of bed, gave the entire bathroom a good cleaning, straightened up the living room, cleaned all the trash out of my bedroom, put a honeysuckle cube in my wax melter, got some ice cream and now i'm back to finish yapping.

the storms seem to have let up and i Should get in the shower but now my back hurts and i'm tired bc i have enough energy for approximately 1.5 tasks per day. so i'll just stay greasy until tomorrow. and due to the way the shower drains in this dysfunctional house i'll still have to speedrun my shower even then, or manually drain the septic tank since the ground is so saturated with water rn. and god it's supposed to rain more in a few days.. this is not gonna be good for the mold and structural problems. sigh. anyways where was i. god this post got long i am just a yapping machine today aren't i? we're taking the 'public diary' tag to heart with this one, boys

okay i got dragged away to deal with some stupid shit and it's now past 1pm and the smell of the wax melt is threatening to bring my migraine back and making my throat hurt and the sugar from the ice cream is making me feel sick. so today is falling apart spectacularly as per usual and i will likely get nothing else done except the dinner i have to make. maybe i'll be able to force myself to brush my teeth before bed. i love being mentally ill it's great we have fun here. /sarc

i hate how i've only got 10 or so hours of energy in me these days even though i get plenty of sleep. i wanna go to beeeeed and the rain outside the window is lulling me. anyways. i Will finish this comically long vent post if it's the last thing i do today.

take a shot every time i say anyways.

o k a y. it is nearly 5pm. and i might, just maybe might, finally be able to sit down and finish this. i am now finally back at my desk with pain thrumming in my back and legs and knees and my tummy is grumbling. but the overwhelming honeysuckle smell in my room has dissipated and my migraine hasn't returned yet and at least i can relax in a nice quiet dark cool 63 degree room after spending hours in a loud brightly lit 78 degree environment. so that's something to be grateful for. god bless my AC unit

maybe one day i'll get the chance to live a life that's actually my own. but until then i suppose there's always escapism!

speaking of, all day i've had my new Venti fic on my mind. calling it a fic sounds too.. grandiose? but it's too big to be a oneshot. what do you call a ~20k word story split into a few chapters. 'novella' sounds way too fancy to be used for fanfic. 'short story' sounds generic and also implies that it's original content. i guess it's just a small fic. a mini-fic maybe. yet another oneshot that got way outta hand. his rerun banner goes live on the uh.. 16th i think. and if i lock in i Could get the fic ready to post by then. and i think i'd like to. but there's no telling what happens in my day-to-day life that might prevent me from doing so. and it's not like there's really any good reason that i'm trying to make the two things line up, i just like using arbitrary days and dates as a source of motivation ig. but we're getting a bit of a Mondstadt revival(!!!) in 5.6 so i could also wait until then and it would still feel kinda celebratory. but it's an angsty story so idk why i'm trying to pair it up with a happy day anyways lmao. his birthday is coming up on 6/16 so i've got 2 days and 10 months. .. god i'm more tired than i thought. okay nope lets try that again. i've got 2 months and 10 days to get either the last chapters of Heaven In Hiding or some other new little fic ready to go up if i wanna post something else for his birthday. or maybe my real life horrors will take precedence and i won't get anything finished in time. that's a very real possibility.

i've been getting the urge to write for ES and [N]MbD again too. and i finally played through the Banana Outrage quest from HSR 2.6 and am now sitting on several ideas for Boothill comfort and reverse comfort oneshots. and i feel like there was some other character i had an idea to write for but my tired brain cannot recall it, if it ever existed. i've been sitting on a finished Ghost Band Dew x Reader OCD comfort fic for aaages now but i'm. embarrassed about it bc i just bullshit.. bullshitted.. bullshat? my way through the entire premise/setup and i feel like it's silly or inaccurate bc i have. Zero idea how a ministry.. monastery?.. church? thingy?? like whatever exists in the Ghost lore actually works. like i'm not even trying to adhere to canon so i guess i have as much creative freedom as i want but i also feel like what i wrote is unrealistic even within the fanon interpretations. and Dew is probably ooc anyway.. so i've been toying with the idea of scrapping the whole thing and rewriting the fic for a third time with some other character from another media that i know better. but hhhhhhh maybe one day i'll just be brave and post it and let ppl make fun of me if it sucks. like i'm not nervous about the actual OCD-comfort aspect bc i know exactly how to handle that. but the world i set the scene in is one i am not familiar enough with. idk, it feels.. forced, to me. which is funny bc the original version of the fic was with Eddie Stranger Things instead 😭 same OCD comfort premise just. different blorbo in a different setting. but my fixation on him waned and i hadn't fully fleshed the scene out yet anyway so i just scrapped it and used the idea for a Dew Ghost fic instead. but i've sat on it for so long that that fixation has waned as well and now i'm like... do i keep recycling this stupid oneshot for different blorbos indefinitely or what? idk. it's Overthinking Hours rn i guess

my Point is that i hate how as soon as i tell myself 'No More Fics Until You Get A Damn License' i suddenly have ideas and motivation for ten different projects. and yes i know it's probably just my avoidance manifesting itself. wanting to busy myself with writing so i can feel productive while avoiding my greatest fears. but knowing that doesn't change that it's happening!! i am sitting here hyper-self-aware in a hell of my own creation!!

but i should know better by now than to think i can force myself to do something by denying myself other things. it always ends up with me just doing nothing instead. there is no force strong enough to motivate me until the consequences of inaction become genuinely unbearable. and brother i can bear a lot in the name of avoidance.

and it's not like the environment i'm in is whatsoever encouraging me. maybe i'd feel different about it if i had a safe, functional vehicle to drive instead of something that won't even pass the safety inspection. maybe i'd feel different about it if i knew it wasn't gonna run me another $100+ a month on insurance i can't afford and legally have to have. maybe i'd feel different about it if i had someone i liked and trusted that would be patient with me and encourage me every day and teach me everything i need to know instead of just. expecting me to magically obtain all of this knowledge bc i'm 'smart'. like. my father in christ the apple unfortunately doesn't fall that far from the dumbass tree. just because i know a few big words and can weave them together decently when i try real hard doesn't mean everything comes easy to me. i was never all that 'gifted' i'm just good at memorizing shit. i dropped out of school the very second shit got too hard. i have never in my life learned how to study anything. i am a spoiled little baby who never had to try hard and now if it doesn't genuinely hold my attention/pique my interest/fixate me or i can't memorize it within a very short period of time, any and all information will simply bounce right back off of my brain. so tell me how in the fuck i'm supposed to force myself to study something that i not only couldn't care less about, but actively fear. how do i do it.

'you do it scared' yeah yeah i know. i've heard. but unfortunately until the conces get closer to quencing and life forces my hand, i'm afraid i'm just gonna sit here maladaptively playing with silly little characters in my mind and miserably avoiding all my fears just like i have for the past decade.

anyways. what a day. it's 6pm so i've hit my 16-hour consciousness quota and wanna crash in bed but i should try to push it a little further so maybe i'll wake up at a more normal time tomorrow. and just as i figured it might, this unintentional day-long post has chronicled the often-occurring scenario where i stress out about how to spend my day and then the whole day just kinda slips away from me anyways and i don't get anything done that i wanted to. typical Sunday vibes i suppose.

while i won't be watching any shows or doing any writing tonight and don't even feel in the mood to do any gaming, mayhaps i'll linger on Tumblr for a little while longer and fill up my queue so i can feel like i at least did one of the things i thought about doing this morning. i do wish i were more consistently active on this blog bc believe it or not i Do love it here. i'm just often too tired to do just about anything but the bare minimum these days and sadly, blogging is not on that priority list.

but it's not often these days that i put so many of my thoughts into words like i have here and tbh i'm feeling kinda drained now so i might just work on a coloring page, eat my mashed potatoes and let my brain go quiet with some youtube video in the background. that sounds nice. /gen

goodnight, Tumblr.

#Seven's Public Diary #good morning Tumblr. it is 6am on a Sunday i have been awake for 4 hours and it’s already been a Day #woke up from another nightmare in the wee hours of the morning as is usual for me these days. realized the internet was out and tried-#-rebooting it to no success. given all the flooding in town i’m sure it was some issue near the source and not on my end anyway.#resigned myself to an internet-less day. at least the electricity was & is still on so i’m grateful for that. was too awake to go back to-#-sleep since i’d already had ~9hrs. which is what i get for going to bed at 4pm but i had a migraine so it’s not like i could do anything-#-else anyways. which is my fault for playing Genshin for like 8hrs straight and expecting that to not have Consequences for my body.#which was made worse by the fact that i finished the Saurian Ifa-lore event and the cutscene made me cry a lot (/pos) which made the-#-pain worse and then the Migraine Nausea™️ kicked in and i had to lay down and become unconscious asap to escape it.#all i do is consume media and sleep these days anyway it’s fine. (it’s Not fine and the conces are quencing but i can’t. stop.) lol anyway #after a full sleep didn’t rid me of the pain i had to get up and get water and advil anyway. then sat in bed eating a cold burger at 3am #bc nothing screams I Have My Shit Together like eating yesterday’s takeout by phone-light in bed shirtless at 3am with a headache #i am literally the Oh Boy! 3 AM! patrick spongebob meme irl. who want me #anyways then the horrors started creeping in as i realized my plans for the day (more quest grinding in Genshin and perhaps HSR)#(bc it’s Sunday and that’s my dedicated day to game and not feel bad about it) would have to change since no internet = no pc games #and boy oh boy i don’t do well with a change in my plans. so as i miserably spent an hour working through all my little daily language-#-lessons and word and memory games like the little old lady i am. i started mulling over my alternative plans and ended up in a state of-#-decision paralysis. and i hate it here. i almost always know exactly what i want to do on any given day so on the occasions i don’t i just #-feel lost. and then lo and behold the internet came back on! but now i’m thinking of all the other things i could be doing.#like Do i actually want to game. if i do something else will i then regret that i didn’t take the opportunity to game. what do i do #i should start by taking another advil bc 1 wasn’t enough. and i really should shower bc i feel gross but it’s literally been storming-#nearly nonstop for the last 4 days and i don’t fancy getting struck by lightning. it should be over tomorrow so. 1 more day won’t kill me..#sometimes it rlly does feel like the weather reflects my life bc i’ve never seen lightning and flooding and tornadoes like this.#like yeah we get those regularly but idk if it’s ever been this relentless. and given that my life has never been this bad it just feels…#fitting. idk. that’s very self-centered of me to say though. but i do have main character syndrome so. lol. anyways #hey siri play Hell or High Water by Bailey Zimmerman for me please #sigh. i wanna finish my new venti fic but i told myself i wouldn’t work on my writing anymore until i get my license. which isn’t working-#as a means of motivation bc i’m just wasting time on other stuff instead. like i wanna watch Arcane so fucking badly. but i know it’s a-#truly Terrible idea bc i just Know i’m gonna fixate on Viktor to a horrific degree. and i literally don’t have time for that right now #like i will be a Complete Fuckin Wreck over that scrawny little white guy to a frankly embarrassing degree for an indefinite length of time

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