#now i kind of want to write it for laughs...and to disturb myself lmao | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

skiesoftwilight · 6 years ago

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Forever Star-Crossed (Jason Todd)

This was a pain in the ass to write! but like a good, challenging pain in the ass lmao. I’ve had this request in my inbox and I believe it was like the second or first one and I’m now just putting it out??? (Anon, I’m sorry.) I had such a straightforward plot, but I guess I struggle with too many specifics?? I don’t know. Also, I didn’t realize it until I was almost done with it, but the plot is kind of like the Great Gatsby, but my writing can do no justice to that amazing story. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy! Especially the Anon who requested it, if you’re still out there lol :)

Requested by: Anon

hey I love your writing! I saw requests were open and I was wondering if you could write something where jay is best friends with a girl and he’s secretly in love with her but she’s dating Hal (the green lantern protege? I’m not 100% sure thats his name?) and he stops by her window one day only to see her baking cookies and dancing around in the kitchen with Hal listening to painkiller by ruel and being a cute couple and its just him being all angsty

Word Count: 6432

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The soft clicking of your heels against the pavement rang throughout the dark and desolate city streets of Gotham. The few people that had dared to come out at this time of night were watching you carefully, sizing you up to see what kind of threat you posed if any. You ignored their mysterious gazes and continued on with your phone conversation.

“What’s the plan for dinner?” You asked. A yawn crept up on you and escaped from between your lips. “I just got off work and I’m starving.”

“I don’t know. I just home myself,” A deep sigh fell from his mouth on the other end, “Do you want me to come get you? I’m still dressed, I don’t—”

“I’ll be just fine walking,” A soft laugh fell from your lips as your watchful gaze surveyed the area around you, “I swear you forget who you’re dealing with from time to time.”

A deep chuckle sounded from the other line, “You’re right. Sorry. I guess I’ll be seeing you soon then?”

“Yeah, give me about fifteen minutes,” Your lips curled at the edges, “Maybe when I get home, we can—”

A hand had clamped down on your shoulder from behind and jerked you backward, making you stumble. A gasp fell from your lips and your eyes grew wide as you watched a lonesome thug tug on the strap of your purse, yanking it from your shoulder ripping it from your grasp. The minute he pulled your purse free, he took off down the street, making a hard right into an alley.

“(Y/N)? Hey, what happened?” His voice rose with worry laced into his tone, “(Y/N)!”

“I’m still here,” A shaky breath left your lips as you stood up straight. Your gaze hardened as you leaned down to tighten the straps on your heels. “A damn thug just stole my purse…I’ll have to call you back; I’ll be home a little later than expected.”

Before he could speak another word, you ended the call and ran after the thug. All you could focus on was finding the thief and getting your purse back; it was a gift from your father after all.

Coming upon the alley that the thug had turned down, you stopped yourself and took a deep breath before marched right down the dimly lit path. Your eyes narrowed, watching every shadow move as you walked. Your fists were clenched and your whole body tense; you were ready for a fight.

The sound of rats scurrying across the street pulled your attention towards a flickering light above a dumpster. You caught sight of a body laying on top of the trash bags, not moving. Slowly approaching the body, you realized it was the thug that had just attacked you moments ago; your purse was nowhere near his body and it drew in your curiosity.

Leaning down beside the body, you hesitantly reached for his hand, checking for a pulse. Worry started to build up in your chest when you couldn’t find his pulse. Your hand crept up to his neck, but just before you could touch his skin, a voice stopped you.

“He’s not dead.”

You jumped up from the ground and turned to see where the voice had come from; yet, all you could see was darkness. You spun around in a full circle, your fists still clenched and your hardened gaze staring into pure darkness.

“One punch and he was out.” The voice spoke again, this time a little louder. “I swear these criminals used to be tough and now? Well, they’re just growing soft.”

“I didn’t need your help,” You stated, looking in the direction where you last heard the voice, “I had it perfectly under control.”

“Was letting him get a head start a part of you keeping it under control?” The voice teased.

“Show yourself,” You demanded, your voice harsh.

The person stepped out of the shadows, slowly making his way to stand a few feet away from you. Wearing a leather jacket, black pants, combat boots, and holding your purse wasn’t what disturbed you but the red helmet masking his face and the red modified bat symbol on his chest that shown every time his leather jacket shifted.

“Red Hood.” You stated, your hardened gaze never leaving his masked one.

“You know me?” He questioned, raising his hand to cover his chest, “I’m flattered. I guess word still travels fast in this city of rats.”

“Word gets around, but through a different circle,” You corrected him, “Who are you underneath that helmet? I don’t like strange, masked, crusaders in this city, there’s already too many of them running around.”

“A friend from long ago…” His voice lowered, a hint of sadness is what you believed you heard.

“You’re not any friend of mine,” You responded. Your hands stayed clenched at your sides. He lowered his head and rested a hand on his hip, showing off the pistol on his side, “You better start talking or this won’t end well for you.”

A deep laugh fell from his lips, “You’re still like I last remember you…acting all tough when you’re really a big softie…” He looked down at your purse and tossed it back and forth between his hands, “I’m surprised you still have this. I’m guessing you’re still buddy-buddy with him, aren’t you?”

“What?” Confusion crept on your face as you believed he was referring to Bruce.

He tossed the purse at you, watching you catch it in your hands. Confusion and irritation were clear on your face as you watched him reach behind his helmet and start to pull it off. Your eyes grew wide and your whole body felt weak as you saw a face that you thought you would never see again.

“J-J,” You stuttered, struggling to let his name leave your lips for the first time in so many years, “Jason?”

“In the flesh.”

“N-No,” You shook your head, stumbling backward, “I-It can’t be, you’re dead...I was there for your funeral…I saw you laying in that casket…”

“I was, but some crazy things happened that I can’t explain and I don’t know why, but I’m back.”

“You’re not supposed to be here! I’m losing my mind…” You shouted, your hands pushing your disheveled hair out of your face.

He saw the terrified expression on your face, the blank look in your eyes…it pained him to see you like this. “Hey, I know just seeing me is a lot to take in—”

“I—I just got…I—I can’t do this right now…I got to go.”

“(Y/N), wait.”

Ignoring his pleas for you to stay, you ran out of the alley, not even sparing a glance behind you in fear that your past would be following you. Coming up to the steps of your apartment complex, you flung the door open and slammed it shut, pressing your back firmly against it.

Running a shaky hand through your hair, you took a deep breath and began to make your way up to your apartment door, trying to push the night’s events deep down and towards the back of your mind.

Standing in front of your apartment door, you unclipped your house keys from your purse and unlocked the door and quickly stepped inside, locking it behind you. Resting your head against the wooden door, you shut your eyes and groaned.

“Hey,” His mirthful voice pulled you from your mind, causing you to turn to look at him, “I can see you got your purse back,” His smile faded the moment he saw a glint of sadness in your eyes, “Is there something wrong? Did something happen?”

You shook your head as you set the purse down on the counter, “No, uh, just a stressful day at work and you know, that thug stealing my purse. I’m fine.”

He made his way over to you, wrapping you in his warm embrace, “Iif you want to talk about it, we can?”

Shaking your head, you looked up at him, “I rather not.”

He hummed in response, placing a kiss on the crown of your head. “About dinner, I was thinking we could go out to that new joint down the street?”

“No,” You quickly answered, moving away from his embrace, “Let’s just stay inside and order something? I’m too tired to deal with anyone else’s BS right now.”

“Alright, that’s fine with me.” He smiled and walked over to the kitchen to grab some of the take-out brochures you two saved from other lazy nights in.

While he was calling out places that you might want, you half-heartedly answered as you rummaged through your purse, looking for your phone to text Bruce and see if you were going crazy or not. As your fingers sifted through the old grocery receipts and empty gum wrappers, you felt a rough piece of paper touch your fingertips. Pulling it out from your purse, you saw that there was a number scribbled on it and a single name in under the last digits: Jay.

An audible groan mixed with a cry left your lips as you crumpled the paper up and tossed it back in your purse. Moving to join him the kitchen to look at the food menus, he made you laugh and did his best to pull you out of your sudden sadness. You physically lightened up, but on the inside, you were dying to know what the hell you just witnessed.

Sitting in a coffee shop, you pulled the crumpled paper from your purse and laid it on the table. The sloppily-written name awoken a wide range of feelings and emotions that you thought you could never feel again and it scared you. Your shaky hands reached for the paper, gently smoothing out the wrinkles before grabbing your phone and slowly putting each number into the dial-pad.

Resting your elbows on the table and letting a hand cover your mouth while the other held the suddenly heavy phone next to your ear, you listened to it ring. You counted them out, one…two…three…four…after the fourth ring, you were about to hang up before you heard the line pick up and his voice come through on the other side.

“Hello?”

You froze, not knowing what to say. Staring at the name on the paper in front of you, you slowly opened your mouth to speak, your voice barely audible, “Hey…”

“(Y/N)?” Jason’s tone was soft and soothing which reminded you of the old times. “Hey, I was wondering when you would call…”

“A-Are you busy? Right now?” You asked, your whole body slowly relaxing as you fiddled with the paper.

“No, not really,” He spoke, shuffling around on his end of the line, “Is there something wrong?”

“Can we t-talk?” You inquired. Your gaze bounced back and forth from the paper to the window you were situated by, trying to distract your nerves before they overwhelmed you.

“Sure,” Jason responded. You could just picture the smile on his face at your request, “Just send me your location and I’ll be there.”

Mumbling a brief goodbye, you hung up the phone and sent him the address. You tried to mentally prepare yourself for the upcoming conversation, prepping questions that you’ve been thinking about ever since you saw him: How long had he been resurrected? Where was he? Why did he come back to Gotham of all places after all this time? You had so many questions, you just hoped that you could actually ask them if you don’t get overwhelmed.

While deep in your thoughts, you heard the door chime behind you. Turning to look at who it could be, your breath got caught in your throat and your eyes grew wide once again. You saw him stepping inside, looking around until his gaze met yours; his gaze felt so heavy, you turned away, waiting for him to approach you.

“Hey there…”

His voice was soft, yet it sounded more mature than when you last heard it years ago. Without looking up at him, you gestured for him to take a seat. Listening to your weak commands, he sat in the chair and quietly fiddled with the sugar packets on the table.

“Thank you for coming,” You mumbled, trying to get yourself to relax in his presence and gain the courage to look at him at least once, “I didn’t know if you were busy or not, but I made the call because…I want answers. I’m sure you want some too.”

Nodding his head, “No problem, all of my work is carried out in the night but even then I got nothing going on, so don’t ever be afraid to call me at any time.”

“Noted.” The single word fell from your lips, but nothing else came after.

The conversation fell into a tense silence before it hardly began. Jason continued to fiddle with the sugar packets while you gently stirred your coffee. The two of you opened your mouth to say something, but nothing came out. His mere presence was bugging you; you were dying to ask your first question, you just didn’t know how to phrase it.

Your mind was screaming at you to look at him, just once, but you were struggling to let your gaze wander any higher than his lips. From what you could see, his face had not changed much, other than having short, thin scars from blades. Daring to let your eyes wander higher, your curious gaze met with his and you froze, not sure if you should look away or let his intense blue eyes see right through you. Your gaze was held in his and you could’ve sworn you saw a spark in his.

“How were you…resurrected?” You blurted out, your eyes grew wide as you surveyed the other tables around you, making sure no one was trying to listen in.

A deep sigh fell from his lips, “That’s a complicated story, but I’ll shorten it. I mysteriously woke up in my coffin and crawled to the surface where, Talia, Bruce’s little flame, took me in and tossed me in that Lazarus pit next to Ra’s. She helped me get a grip on my new life…I met new allies, traveled a lot, learned new skills.”

“You just crawled out of your grave?” You whisper-shouted, shielding your mouth from other people; your childish side kicking in as you pictured Jason all muddy, springing from his grave, “Like a zombie?”

He chuckled, “Yeah, like a zombie.”

“All that stuff you learned, I’m guessing that’s what created Red Hood?” You asked, connecting pieces of his story together.

“You got it.” Jason confirmed your suspicions, “I think I learned more than Bruce, but don’t tell him that.”

“Red Hood…” You paused, thinking about all the things you heard from the briefings from Bruce and the others, “I’ve heard you killed people before? Is it true?”

Jason looked up at you, his voice turning serious, “I don’t kill anyone who doesn’t deserve it, just know that. I’m not a savage, I just take crime-fighting another step further, a step Bruce is too scared to take.”

“Does Bruce even know that you’re back?” You asked, sipping your coffee, “I’m sure he would be delighted to see you, in the flesh, after all these years…”

“He knows. He was the first person I encountered upon stepping one foot in this city.” He answered, rolling his eyes at the mention of his former mentor, “I’ve met the rest of the brood too. They’ve got personalities, but they don’t stray far from B’s, that’s for sure.”

“Wait, you know of the others?” You asked, furrowing your brow, “How long have you been back in the city?”

“I’ve only been here for a couple of weeks,” He reassured you, placing his palms on the table, “I wasn’t even supposed to stay this long, let alone be back here. I was only coming to tie up some loose ends on a job I was working, but things got…complicated…”

“What the hell, Jason?” You eyes narrowed, “You didn’t think to at least try and see me sooner? I was thinking that it was only in my dreams that I would see you, my dearest friend, alive again, but it turns out you’ve been alive for quite some time.”

“I told you, things got complicated…” He restated, giving you a sullen look. Hearing his name and friend being used in the same sentence by you hurt him, but he was more upset at the fact that you were upset at him for not coming to you sooner.

“Well, what was the complication?” You inquired, crossing your arms to look him in the eyes. You wanted answers, and you were going to get them.

“I can’t tell you that right now. You wouldn’t understand it.” He muttered, barely audible to your ears. There was a sad look in his eyes, but before you could comment on it, it was replaced with a glint of happiness and curiosity, “Enough talking about me, I want to know more about you and what you’ve been up to.”

A small smile crept onto your lips, “My story isn’t nearly as interesting as yours.”

“That’s okay,” He reassured you, his goofy smile appearing, “I just wanna know more about you.”

Mumbling some words, you let out a sigh, “I don’t live at the manor anymore; I left the day after I turned eighteen. Dick let me stay with him for a while, but I didn’t stay long and left. I struggled for a while without Bruce’s help, but I managed,” You smiled, thinking about all your accomplishments, “I got myself a normal job, normal friends…In a way, I kinda got a second chance at life.”

“You seem to be doing pretty well all on your own; I’m happy for you,” He smiled, yet he leaned in closer to you, his gaze surveying the other people around you before continuing, “Are you still running around in the dark?”

“Oh no,” You shook your head, “Bruce offered me the mantle a couple years after your “departure”, but I turned it down; I turned down any type of caped crusader gigs that a bunch of people offered me, but I didn’t leave that life behind completely. I’m still deeply involved in those affairs; I actually work with someone who’s a member of the League.”

Jason’s attention was peaked when he heard the word “partner” leave your lips, “Oh really? Who is it? Barry? Clark?—You were always his favorite—Diana? Arthur? Hal?”

A small laugh left your lips as you watched his calm expression turn to a more exciting one. “No, no, none of those guys; it’s someone who has a lesser role in all of it, but still important nonetheless. I just can’t tell you: League rules.” You shrugged your shoulders.

Jason nodded, letting a light chuckle slip from between his lips, “I see. You can keep your secrets.”

Silence filled the air. After finally warming up to one another, you two felt like you had said what you needed to say during this meeting. While you were comfortable with the silence, sipping on your coffee and watching the people walk past the window, Jason fiddled with his fingers, deciding if he should bring up a last minute thought.

“Hey, uh, this might sound like a stupid question after all these years, but…” he paused, looking at your hands placed on the table and slowly let his gaze come to meet your intrigued gaze, “Do you still consider us friends? Even after all these years?”

Your brow furrowed and your fingers tapped on the edges of the table, “I don’t see why not, but things between us have changed, Jason. We aren’t wards under Bruce anymore, we’ve both grown and matured and became two individual people,” You sighed, “We built complex, yet somewhat stable lives and if you’re looking to go back to the past…well, we just can’t.”

“The only thing I want to bring back from my past is you,” He confessed, the sad glint in his eye returning for just a split second, “I missed you the most out of everything else from my first life and I would love for you to be in my second one as well.”

Your soft smile appeared at his kind words, making his grow. “I’d be happy to try to pick up where we left off, Jason, but…” Jason froze, “If things don’t work out the way we hoped, well, then we can’t force it, okay? Maybe we can’t be best friends, but we can maybe settle for just the simple title of friends, yeah?”

Your use of his name and friend in the same sentence killed him, but he didn’t show it; instead, his goofy grin grew and he held out his hand for you to shake, “I can live with that.”

With smiles both gracing your grown faces, you reached for his extended hand, but before you could graze your fingertips against his, your phone buzzed on the table, the screen lighting up to alert you that he was calling; Jason’s gaze darted to the phone and took note of the caller ID: My Artist.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.” You apologized before standing up from the table and walking outside the shop to have your conversation.

He watched you stand outside, walking back and forth, talking with a never faltering smile on your lips; his heart jumped when he could’ve sworn he saw and heard your muffled laugh. The smile on Jason’s own lips was reduced to the slight curling at the corners as he saw that your happiness was coming from someone other than him.

When your call had ended, you dismissed yourself from yours and Jason’s conversation to handle some League affairs, but you reassured him that you two would spend more time together soon. With a verbal goodbye and a slightly awkward handshake initiated on your part, you both parted ways.

“And that’s the last time Dick let me borrow his car.” You laughed, snatching up the nearly empty beer bottle off the coffee table to down the last drops. Slamming the bottle back down on the table and leaning against the couch from your spot on the floor, shrugging your shoulders and raising your hands, “I barely hit anything and the stuff I did hit? The dents on his car weren’t even that bad…”

“You took out a parking meter and somehow pinned a hotdog cart with the passenger side on his car,” Jason struggled to keep his laugh in check, but failed miserably, letting his head fall back onto the armrest of his sofa, undoubtedly picturing you standing by the car, mortified, explaining to Dick how it happened, “I think the dents were pretty bad. That whole story is an example as to why Bruce never let you drive the Batmobile.”

“He never let you either! Come to think of it, he never even taught you.” You countered, throwing a finger in his direction.

“Touché.”

Your melodious laughter was music to Jason’s ears. He watched you double over, wiping the stray tears of happiness from the creases of your eyes as you stood up to fetch yourself another beer from the kitchen. Jason listened to your side comments about the story, but all he could do was chuckle at a memory he wished he shared with you.

These types of moments between you and Jason had been going on for the last couple of weeks, non-stop. You would call him up after work every day and you two would hang out at the coffee shop or at his apartment to reminisce about the old times between you two or the stories you had from living at the manor and watching each new Robin come into their own identities.

“Got any stories from your travels that you would like to share?” You asked while setting a beer on the table in front of him. “I’m still thinking of some other ones…”

“Nah, I like your stories better,” He admitted, sitting up once again to look at you laying on the floor, a goofy smile taking over your usual composed one, “What I’m learning from you and your stories is that you haven’t lost your spark.”

“Aw, thanks Jay,” Your cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink, “Someone had to lighten up that dark place besides Alfred.”

“What other stories you got?” Jason asked.

“Well, let me see… oh, well there was this one time Damian jumped out the third story window…”

Jason zoned out, his thoughts consuming him in the moment. His eyes took in every little detail that you shown as you were telling your story. The bright, goofy smile on your face, the way your hands illustrated the whole scene, how expressive your eyes got, and that little laugh you made before your initial one filled the room. Seeing you like this made him think on his next actions.

“That does sound like a funny story…” Jason blandly added. Setting his beer on the table, he rested his elbows on his knees and looked at you on the floor, sipping your beer. “Hey, I had something to tell you that I’ve had on my mind for quite some time actually…”

“Lay it on me.” You sent your smile his way.

“Uh, well, the night before I—”

He was interrupted by the muffled buzzing of your phone inside your purse. You sprang up from your spot on the floor and grabbed your purse from the couch and brought it to the coffee table. Your hands rummaged through your cluttered purse, looking for your phone but you couldn’t even see a single part of it.

“Goddamnit, I have to clean this thing out.” You groaned, turning your purse upside down and shaking all of its contents out until your buzzing phone bounced off the table and onto the floor. Dropping your purse and snatching up your phone, you answered it and walked into the kitchen, leaving a confused Jason sitting on the couch picking up all your belongings and setting them beside your purse.

He came across a folded paper and curiosity came over him. Looking over his shoulder to see if you were still in the kitchen he proceeded to open the paper to reveal a decent drawing of your face. The illustration was slightly cartoonish, but it still captured your beauty nonetheless; Jason could’ve sworn he seen this type of style somewhere before, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Looking at the corner of the paper, the initials K.R. was scribbled along with an illegible note.

“What are you doing?” Jason jumped in his seat, but didn’t hide the picture, “Are snooping?”

Looking at the drawing in his hands and then at you, he sheepishly smiled, “Yeah…Who drew this for you? It’s pretty neat.”

“My friend, he’s pretty good alright. I believe he’s got a gig for doing illustrations or something like that.” You informed Jason, snatching the photo from his hands and tossing back into your purse with the rest of your belongings. “Why were you so curious?”

“I’ve seen that style before, but I don’t remember where…”

“I hate thoughts like that…anyways, sorry for the phone call, I’m always being pulled in some direction, aren’t I?” You chuckled, taking a seat beside him on the couch, “You were saying something before the phone call?”

Jason opened his mouth, but no words came out. All his mind could do was bring up that picture and fill his thoughts with negative ones. Looking at you, he smiled softly, “You know what? Don’t even worry about it. It wasn’t that important.”

You double checked with him, but he reassured you it could wait. After sitting in silence for a few moments, you changed the subject, “I was looking at my phone and I didn’t realize how late it was getting; you know, we’ve been talking here for the past six hours? That’s crazy.”

“That is.” Jason nodded his head in agreement, “If it’s getting late, I can drive you home? I got no problem doing it; I would like to know that you’re not out there with those criminals.”

A cheap laugh fell from your lips, “Oh, what is it with people forgetting who I was?” You turned to Jason as you stood up from the couch, “I’ll be fine. Actually, I—”

As if on cue, the muffled sound of a car horn interrupted your sentence. A goofy smile broke out on your lips as your head dropped before lifting up to look at Jason’s confusion expression.

“…have a ride,” You soft giggles turned into a deep sigh as you picked up your purse, “Sorry.”

Jason’s smile faltered, but he played it off as if he was going to drink his beer. Standing up beside you, he looked down at you, taking in how your smile continued to stay on your relaxed face while you looked up at him.

“Well, I had lots of fun with you tonight, really,” Jason confessed, “It was nice to catch up on so many things, hopefully, we can do it again sometime soon?”

“Definitely!” You nearly shouted, “Next time, maybe we could do my place? I can cook us up something?” You suggested, looking deep into his eyes for his approval.

“I’d like that,” The horn sounded again, making him turn his attention to the window before your hand on his arm pulled his attention back towards you, “Don’t keep your ride waiting. Goodnight, (Y/N).”

“Goodnight, Jason.” You spoke softly. Moving in closer, you stood on your toes and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek, patted his chest a few times before dashing out his apartment and down to your ride.

Jason’s smile grew from the sudden affection you gave him. It gave him hope that maybe you didn’t feel the same way about him as he did for you. After seeing that picture and knowing of your friend, he knew that things were heating up between you two and he wanted to beat the other to the punch.

Don’t beat around the bush. Tell her who you feel.

Standing stock-still in the elevator, Jason’s nervous blue eyes stared at the bouquet of flowers in his hand, making sure that each delicate flower looked presentable. The sweet smell the flowers gave off relaxed him; the loud thoughts in his mind were feeding his anxiety and making his heartbeat so fast that he was sure he felt it hit his ribcage a couple of times.

The elevator beeped and the large, metal doors slowly opened to the floor your apartment was on. With a heavy sigh escaping from between his lips, he began to walk down the corridor, looking at the numbers on the door, trying to match it with the one that was scribbled on the sticky note in his hand.

When he finally came face to face with your door, he froze. He stood there for a few moments, wondering if he should just turn around and leave or stay and see if his dreams come true. Adjusting his leather jacket and rotating the flowers to their best side, he knocked on the door lightly, waiting for you to come to the door.

He heard shuffling and the sound of your voice on the other side of the door. The muffled music was turned down and the sound of footsteps coming close to the door made him nervous. Quickly shaking his whole body to get rid of the nerves, he put on his best smile, but when the door opened, his grin fell from his lips and was replaced by a look of pure confusion.

“Kyle?”

“Jason?” Kyle greeted him with a similar look of confusion.

The two stared at each other for a few moments, trying to figure out why the other was standing before them. Silence would’ve consumed the both of them had you not called out to Kyle from behind the cracked door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Jason…” Kyle answered, turning his head to look at you with a kind, yet confused smile.

“What are you doing?” You questioned him, walking towards the door to pull it all the way open; looking at Jason with a delighted smile, you said, “Come on in, Jason.”

Jason’s mouth was slightly agape. He stared at the both of you, trying to figure out what the hell Kyle Raynor, a member of the Green Lanterns, was doing with you, but then it finally clicked in his head: The name in your phone, the drawing in your purse, your partnership with someone in the Justice League…Kyle was your…no… Jason didn’t even want to think of the word to describe your relationship with Kyle. Hesitantly stepping into your apartment, Jason just stood there, not knowing what else to do.

“I wasn’t expecting you to come over tonight,” You stated, looking at his shy state, “I was just finishing up dinner; there should be enough to go around, I’m sure.”

Jason slowly nodded, his gaze drifting from you to Kyle who sat at a desk in the corner of the room, undoubtedly drawing something. “I’m sorry, I just thought to stop by to see how you were doing since we didn’t talk for a couple of days…”

“I see you brought me flowers?” You inquired, looking at the vibrant bouquet in his slightly clenched hands. You took them from him and set them in the sink to properly take care of them. “Oh where are my manners? I didn’t introduce you to Kyle.”

“You don’t need to,” Jason mumbled, looking at you with a soft smile, “We know each other.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, we were involved with some heavy business a couple months back,” Jason informed you, his gaze becoming sharper the longer he stared at the man doodling in the corner. “What’s he doing here? Is he your partner in the League?”

A sheepish laugh came from your throat, “Uh, yeah. Kyle and I are partners…he’s actually my boyfriend…”

Jason died on the inside.

“We’ve been keeping a low profile about it, that’s why I didn’t say anything about it to you…” You told him, “You can’t tell anyone though, especially not Bruce; you know how he is with snooping in other people’s business…”

Jason stood there, his nerves taking control, “Uh, yeah, your secret is safe with me…and speaking of Bruce, he wanted to talk to me, it was something urgent. He’s probably gonna rip into me about being late like old times, but I can take it.”

Your smile slightly fell, “Are you sure you can’t stay? Bruce has three other people to go to.” You stood in front of him, your hand resting on your hip. You knew he wasn’t going to budge, but you wanted to at least try, “I promise not to keep you long.”

“It’s a personal matter, don’t worry, we’ll hang out again.” Jason’s lips formed a tight line as he looked over at Kyle once more before finally letting himself accept his defeat. “At least I know you’re okay…”

“It was good to see you, Jason,” You told him, stepping closer. You placed your hand on his arm and felt him tense up at your touch. Wrapping your arms around him, you gave him a firm squeeze and leaned up to give him a light kiss on his cheek, “You be good, or at least try to be. Tell Bruce I said hi.”

Jason smiled, nodding at your words, but paying them no mind. Your hug felt different to him; it felt colder than before, it didn’t bring him as much happiness as it used to and the kiss on the cheek didn’t show a sign of hope but a sign of friendly boundaries that he believed he could never cross.

Mumbling a half-hearted goodbye to Kyle, Jason left with his heart and dreams shattered. He did everything in his power to not turn around and storm back up those steps and still tell you how he felt, but he realized that it would’ve been childish of him to do so; it would be something his past self would do. So he carried on, jumping into his car and driving far from your place, trying to put distance between himself and his tainted dream.

It took a few days and nights for Jason to fully process what his relationship between you and him would become. He was thankful that you were at least happy in your life; he was heartbroken that he couldn’t be the source of your happiness though. He was almost wishing that he was selfish enough to rob you of your happiness in favor of his, but his love for you was stronger than his desire to be happy.

Sitting on the rooftop across from your apartment complex with a clear view into your apartment, he sat on the edge, fumbling with his gloved fingers as he watched you and Kyle move about inside. His gaze saw you dancing around the kitchen, flour covering your clothing and skin in various patches while Kyle sat on top of the table, eating what you were baking. Music was blaring inside the place, but it was muffled to Jason on the outside.

Jason’s fists gripped the edge of the room in slight anger and pain. He watched Kyle hop off the table and slowly make his way to stand behind you, placing his hands on your hips while you continued on with baking. That smile on your face killed Jason. Kyle craned his head around your shoulder to take in your messy look before giving you a peck on your lips. Jason could hear your little laugh all the way by him, just ringing in his ears. He saw you spin around and begin to pull Kyle’s lips towards your own and the minute your lips connected, Jason turned away, his heart aching.

With a heavy sigh, Jason stood up and dusted his pants off, turned away from your apartment. He began to walk away, telling himself that he knew he never should’ve come back to Gotham. There was nothing left for him except for a painful past. Seeing you kiss Kyle…he felt like he just died for a second time. He regretted ever coming back for you.

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lattelesbean003 · 5 years ago

Note

1-50 for the asks lmao (if you feel like it, but you don’t have to lskdjfls)

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m lesbian! 🏳️‍🌈

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

Uhh, I’m really into Haikyuu!! again. I’m still kinda obsessed with Marvel though lol.

3. Ever done any drugs?

Only prescribed drugs.

4. What piercings do you want?

Ohh, so many. I want three piercing on the lobes of both my ears and a couple cartridge piercings. I’ve kinda thought about a nose ring? But I’m not sure. As a start though I need to get over my fear of needles and actually get my ears pierced.

5. How many people have you kissed?

None.

6. Describe your dream home.

Okay okay. I want a one or two bedroom apartment in Montreal, Quebec. (NYC would be the dream but hahahhhh way too expensive). The kitchen would have dark cabinets with a white counter top, a nice deep sink with a movable faucet, obviously a dishwash and stove, a pretty big stainless steel fridge, a stainless steel microwave, and a toaster. I’d have a nice, big, comfy couch in the living room. There’d be lots of plants (I love plants), and a little table by a window for a ‘dining’ room. Bedroom would be big enough to fit a double or queen bed. Oh! I’d also have bookcases everywhere cause I love books and manga lol.

7. Who are you jealous of?

There are a few fanfic writers that I’m jealous of just cause they’re really good at writing and my dumbass feels inferior and bad about myself. It’s one of the things I hate about myself. I get insecure wayyy too easily.

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

Right now, Haikyuu!!. I binged it pretty quickly and it’s turning into a comfort show for me lol.

9. Do you watch porn?

I have before, but it makes me uncomfortable.

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

I do have a blog that I run that I haven’t told anyone about.

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

Florence, Italy. I wanna go back so baddd.

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

Living a good and happy life and not feeling insecure about literally everything

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

No I wouldn’t. Exposing my chest to anyone makes me very uncomfortable. Also, the idea of nipple piercings is very bizarre to me but hey, you do you boo.

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

I would buy way too many books and clothes lmao. Also food. If I didn’t set aside some of it for college, I’d spend it on dumb stuff like that.

15. Are you in a relationship?

No, but I wish. I’d love a girlfriend.

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

Nope!

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

I’m not angry with anyone, just feeling insecure about my relationship with a couple people cause my brain is stupid.

18. What tattoos do you want?

I want a full sleeve tattoo! Idk what the art would be, mostly because I haven’t actually thought about it toooo much because tattoos involve needles and pain and those are two of my biggest fears. (Failure takes the number one spot though.)

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

Oh uh, idk man. I’ve never thought about it. I’d just stick with Jen.

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

For fandoms, Haikyuu!! right now, but I love sweet things way too much. Also, bread.

21. Describe your best friend.

Tall, adventurous, takes no shit, smart

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

@ms-bookdragon ;)

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

I mostly like specific songs, rather than one artist. Here are my top five at the moment:

Piano Man / Billy Joel

My Love Will Never Die / AG, Claire Wyndham

Toss a Coin to Your Witcher / Samual Kim, Black Gryphon (I like the remix more than the original)

Dance Monkey / Tones and I

The Sound of Silence / Disturbed

24. What are three places you want to travel?

I really want to go to Quebec (and I might be able to this summer!!), Japan, and Greece. (I also wanna return to Italy).

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Sharing lots of laughs with friends.

26. What’s your favorite season?

Spring! I don’t mind winter if it snows, but where I live it mostly rains and it’s annoying lol. We’ve only had like, four dry days since the new year.

27. What’s your pet peeve?

LOUD CHEWING OMG I CAN’T STAND IT. Also when anything scraps against metal. Makes me cringe and tense up like nothing else.

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

A gay guy in my chem class. Also my neighbor. They both have very weird senses of humor but I appreciate them lol.

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

Avengers: Endgame. :3 (I will forever hate that movie lol.)

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

Oh god why you gotta do this to me. @voxofthevoid. Ahh he only knows me from my main not my sideblog. 😭

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

Paper books don’t hurt my eyes as much. I don’t think I could read a paper version of a fanfic though.

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

Oh oof, uhh none of them? They’re all kinda shitty worlds lol.

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

Lots of button-ups and sweaters. Jeans, converse, scarves, nice dresses and skirts. I don’t have a specific wardrobe, I mostly buy whatever catches my eye.

34. What’s your coffee order?

Depends on my mood, but I mostly buy ice caps at Tim Hortons. Sometimes a french vanilla. At proper coffee shops, I buy a latte or mocha. I can’t handle a normal latte yet though, so it’s normally a caramel latte or something. At Starbucks, I typically buy a caramel frappuccino. When it’s cold, a mocha latte. (The peppermint mocha is yummy.)

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Nope, kinda wish I did though.

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

Nope! I have on ex and mostly avoid him lol.

37. Have any tattoos?

No, but as I mentioned above I’d love a full sleeve tattoo.

38. Do you drink?

Nah, I’m still underage, alcohol is gross, and I’m not popular enough to be invited to parties.

39. Are you a virgin?

Yis. Still haven’t gotten my first kiss too.

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

41. How many followers do you have?

On this account, tumblr claims 39, but it’s actually 24 lmao. I have a joint account with another person that has over 1000 followers though.

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

She has a long mousy brown hair, a bunch of ear piercings, really adorable dimples, and a very nice smile. I’m like 99% she’s straight though.

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

I indulge too much in junk food.

44. Do you read erotica?

Yupp. I mean, if you count fanfic with sex in them plus the occasional doujinshi.

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

The one date I’ve been on wasn’t too bad, but the dude I went out with thought we were a couple after the one date. I feel kinda bad because I led him on for two weeks, unsure how to break it to him that I discovered I was gay soooo.

46. How many people do you follow?

100, but like over half of them aren’t very active.

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

Hmmmmmmm. I don’t have a specific crush on anyone, but maybe Sebastian Stan just cause I wanna be his friend. He’s too old though lol.

48. Describe your ideal partner.

A girl (obviously), who’s could drag me to social events, but also enjoy a quiet night at home. Funny, encouraging/supportive, kind. Also lots of cuddles. I love cuddling and hand holding, plus cheek kisses!! Ahhh

49. Who do you text the most?

Two of my irl friends. They’re both great. I also text the person I have a joint blog with.

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

A warm spring day. The sun isn’t too hot, the grass is a lush green, and there’s only a handful of clouds in the sky. On the flip side, if I don’t have to go to school, I love snow. Walking around my neighborhood when it’s totally quiet and peaceful is one of my favorite things to do.

#asks #evelyn (eve)

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teriiiwrites · 5 years ago

Text

2019 Writing Wrap-Up

I typically do this on my main rather than here because I always forget this exists, but not this year!

Another year where I didn’t end up sharing a single thing I wrote in its entirety so I’m sticking with my trend there lmao. Good to know that some things never change. But I have taken the first steps towards that - namely, starting this blog to give myself a place to talk more about writing.

Now, onto the stats!

Total for 2019: 104,374 words!

I actually wasn’t expecting to even near the 100K mark this year, so the fact that I passed it was a pleasant surprise. It’s significantly less than I hit in 2018 (over 170K), but I’m still very proud of what I accomplished throughout the year.

My focus over 2019 was based a little less in silly concept story ideas (which I still love dearly and want to do more of this next year) but I tried to focus a little more in diversity. In the types of stories, the characters in them, and how they were written. I did my best to push my boundaries with it, which often led to taking longer with my writing and probably is one of the reasons the word count of the year wasn’t as high as last year. But I felt it was important for me, and I’m glad that I worked on what I did.

The longest piece I wrote was my WIP NaNo novel, Castle on the Hill, which hit 57,037 words. I’m hoping to work a little more on it in 2020 and maybe finish up a first draft over the summer, when I have a little more time.

With that, here are some of the highlights:

“They say the British are starting to listen to our people there! That they might consider changing some of the voting laws!” He preaches with the pride of a man who has always believed in the good of the British, but it is confusing to hear him speak like this.

Wasn’t it only months ago when his father spoke of the evils of the British invaders? Of the unforgivable things they’d done? How is it that, now, he draws his own family closer to the center of their spiderweb?

(A Wanderer on a Scorched Path)

That night in the motel had turned into a week, which turned into a month, and so on until all Laine’s memories of her early childhood involved Do Not Disturb signs and vending machine dinners.

(A Walk Down Memory Laine)

In hearing of her success, the townsfolk quietly cheered for her, disregarding their previous contempt for the malicious girl who’d tormented them. She was all at once one of theirs. Hadn’t they laughed with her, waved at her, made faces at the small girl who had seemed so unlike her family? And perhaps all of their attempts at kindness were being paid off. Finally, here was a Grey who would break the curse of her cruel family and be a decent sort.

(The Grey Manor)

A familiar coach split the crowd, curtains drawn over the windows. It was almost easy to believe that the Greys were inside, eager – if Greys could be eager – about reuniting with their youngest. But there was only one Lady Grey left.

(The Grey Manor)

It was during one of these heavy snowstorms that the Visitor arrived in town. None could claim to know where she came from, and fewer still knew her name. Even the details of her appearance never quite matched up – some said she was an old woman, with hair like straw and wearing rags better fit for carrying potatoes than being worn. Other claimed she was no older than thirty, that the apparent age was only due to her gravelly voice and wild, fair hair. They said that though her clothes were faded and tattered and too large on her tiny frame, one could still see the frayed ruffles and faint design of what once must have been a fine gown.

(The Grey Manor)

Years had passed since the doctor’s apprentice had last been to the Grey Manor. He’d been one of many who had taken a thrill at the abandoned house while Lady Grey had been away. He now considered himself above such superstitions. Yet the effect of the snow-covered cemetery and the sprawling, leafless ivy across the outer walls could not be blamed wholly on the overcast sky.

(The Grey Manor)

The doctor’s apprentice made his way deeper into the house, but the Grey Manor felt more fit for ghosts than the living.

(The Grey Manor)

“Good afternoon, Clara!” I greeted as I waved for her to take a seat before my desk.

“Doctor,” she responded in kind. She pulled back the chair and fell into it in one fluid motion. “Things are on the up-and-up!”

As much as I appreciated her enthusiasm, having supervillain clients typically meant having to gently discourage their flavor of ‘on the up-and-up’.

(The Desk of Dr. Isselhardt)

“I think I’ll start off with a vacation. I was initially thinking of revisiting the city I grew up in, but finding a kennel for my hellhounds would be a nightmare, and I just know none of my friends would take them in.”

I had met Jekyll and Hyde once, when I’d bumped into Clara on my morning jog in the park, and I couldn’t blame them.

(The Desk of Dr. Isselhardt)

The angelic child screamed like a demon, yet Camila adored her more than she’d known she was able.

(Quinta and Her Cat)

Amara leaned back against the door, staring at the ceiling. “Your Guardians don’t seem as sympathetic as you make them out to be.”

Deirdre kicked out her foot, but only caught the edge of some piping. “They have to choose their battles. They’re strong, but not so strong as to fight all of them.”

“Legal skirmishes between the elite is apparently a higher priority than the oppression of thousands,” was Amara’s reply.

Deirdre didn’t respond; she had nothing more to say.

(The Great Guardians)

One of the aliens is moving quickly towards me, and I realize my impression that they are humanoid was a little premature. Though its head, neck, and torso are vaguely like mine, the bottom half of their bodies are more like a spider. A gray, spider centaur. With no face.

A small part of my brain asks why I'm not terrified. I have no answer for it.

(Alien Abduction)

Sir Michel had been in Eastcairn Keep only once before, but the imposing walls of stone were as familiar as if he had grown up here. The halls were cold and impersonal, as though acknowledging that they'd been around long before Sir Michel had arrived and they would stand the same long after he was gone.

(Foul Play)

"I have a sister." Andromeda's voice was soft, but it carried as though all of the forest had quieted to listen. "The kingdom is in no great danger of losing an heir."

Sir Michel chuckled at her naivety. "Princess, if you believe that your father will allow for this - "

"Then let him come to tell me himself."

Never before had Sir Michel been interrupted by a woman. His laughter caught in his throat, and, for a moment, he was too stunned by Andromeda's audacity to respond.

(Foul Play)

"The King is busy running a country, as one day your future husband shall."

"And I suppose you think that by carrying me back to the Keep, you'll be given the position?" Andromeda asked bitterly. She brushed a loose braid behind her shoulder. "You, a man with nothing but a meager title, sitting on the throne? No one with sense could expect such a fate for you, yet here you are."

"Yet here I am," was the knight's weak response. He couldn't understand how it was that he spoke far louder than the princess, and yet his words didn't seem to carry half as well or ring half as true.

(Foul Play)

"One of your men killed Tihomil, but not you. The trial is not fair."

"We don't fight fair when it comes to your life."

(Foul Play)

Andromeda pushed herself away, pulling her dagger with her. When she lifted a part of her skirt, Sir Michel saw that it was strapped to her leg, a place no honorable man would've thought to check. When she bent down again, her face was no more than a foot from the knight's.

"I don't fight fair when it comes to my life," Andromeda hissed. She wiped the blood staining her hands onto Sir Michel's breastplate, trailing red across its center.

(Foul Play)

As his vision began to tunnel, Sir Michel the Righteous' last sight was that of the princess stealing off into the night, her movements as feral and graceful as something too wild to be contained in the Keep.

(Foul Play)

Josef Weber was a quiet and privileged man, and the two together gave him the appearance of being far prouder than he actually was. This view was encouraged by the fact that he surrounded himself with few friends, and that those he kept were similar in stature and wealth to himself.

(Castle on the Hill)

The night sky was illuminated by fireworks, casting a scarlet glow over the small, German city of Heidelberg. Its castle stood imposingly atop a hill, awash in the red, mimicking fires that had taken the structure from what it had once been to the ruins that now overlooked Old Downtown. Crowds of thousands had flooded the streets, watching the annual celebration in awe as the fireworks reflected in the Neckar River below.

(Castle on the Hill)

“Shouldn’t you be running back to Hulmarra? I thought you were loyal to your lady.”

Theren’s laugh was abrupt and loud, but when he stopped, his voice was coldly stern. “We’re loyal to two things. Gold and discretion. It just so happens Lady Iltazyara is well equipped with both.”

Verna smirked. “Only those two things? If I paid you to kill your sister, would you do it?”

“That price would cost far more than you have,” Theren said with a condescending smile.

“You’d be surprised how much I have at my disposal,” Verna taunted.

“Then we can talk later.” Theren winked in her direction and grinned broadly at the impatient look on Rowan’s face.

(The Virtuous Seven)

#writing #2019 writing wrap-up #2019 #writeblr

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junghelioseok · 7 years ago

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duplicity.

↳ as long as you’re happy, he’s okay.

◇ onesided!yoongi x engaged!reader ◇ angst ◇ 1.8k [1/1]

notes: i don’t have a good explanation for this. all i know is that i wanted to get back into writing so i sat down with a word doc and this happened. also, an engaged!reader??? take one guess as to who the fiancé is. like. just. take a wild fucking guess. lmao. and then keep reading, and see if you were right!

Yoongi has never been able to resist you.

There’s something in the delicate curve of your frowning mouth and a certain charm in the way your pleading eyes gaze up at him so sweetly. You never fail to render him speechless with just a look alone, and today is no different. Yoongi can only nod dumbly when you repeat your soft request, drawing his attention away from the way your hair shines in the golden morning light.

“Can you give me a ride, Yoongi? Pretty, pretty please?”

Which is why, nineteen minutes later, Yoongi finds himself hovering awkwardly in the corner of the most unpleasant store he’s ever had the displeasure of stepping inside, a near-permanent scowl etched across his features. There are too many flowers, he quickly decides. The heady aroma makes the entire space smell far too sweet, and he’s pretty sure that the beginnings of a migraine are starting to take shape behind his eyelids. Nothing could be worse than this.

Nothing, except maybe the fact that in a few short weeks, you’re going to marry his best friend instead of him.

Yep, Yoongi muses, rubbing idly at his temples. That’s definitely worse.

There aren’t many things that Yoongi regrets in his life, but if he had to make a list, not asking you out during your sophomore year of college would be at the very top. The second would be introducing you to his best friend.

And the third—well, the third would definitely have to be agreeing to play the piano at your wedding.

In any case, it’s not as if he could have said no. Yoongi is well aware of his inability to turn you down, and it’s almost equally painful to see his best friend’s radiant smile falter. So when the man had approached with a tentative question in his eyes and you on his arm, Yoongi had found himself utterly incapable of saying anything. Anything, except:

“I… yeah. Of course. Nothing would make me happier, Hoseok.”

The words had barely left his mouth when Hoseok’s entire face lit up, an earsplitting grin stretching across his face as he babbles about what a marvelous best man he’s been blessed with. You’d beamed just as wide, eyes shimmering, and before he could even react Yoongi found himself wrapped up in a group hug, unsure where to put his hands and even more unsure about his acquiescence. But it wasn’t as if he could take it back now—not when your arms were wrapped around him so tightly, your face nestled in the crook of his neck with your hair tickling his nose. Yoongi remembers the scent of your shampoo so vividly that he can almost smell it now, can almost forget the overly-sweet perfume of the flowers littering every available surface in this godforsaken store. He’s so lost in the memory that his mind barely registers the sound of the dressing room door clicking open, and it’s only when you speak that he snaps out his reverie, eyes wide.

“H-huh?”

Your voice is soft—softer than he’s ever heard it. “Yoongi? What do you think?”

His muddled brain takes a few seconds to realize that you’re asking him something, forcing his eyes to race to catch up. And then he looks at you—really, really looks—and all the air disappears from his lungs at the sight before him.

You are wearing a wedding dress. The satin wraps around your body and stops just below the knee, but it’s your face that really catches Yoongi’s attention—the hesitance etched across every feature and the nervous smile that you are giving him. “Yoongi?”

“It’s, um—“ He clears his throat before trying again. “It’s nice. You look nice.”

“Just nice?” You take another step and let the dressing room door fall shut behind you, your smile turning mischievous. “I don’t think this is the one, then. I’m looking for something a little better than ‘nice’, you know?”

Yoongi’s sure that his answering smile looks more like a grimace, but it’s the best that he can manage under the circumstances. “I know. Go on, try a different one.”

You tilt your head curiously, hand already reaching for a new dress hanging on a nearby rack. “Really? You don’t mind if we’re here a bit longer?”

I’d spend the rest of my life here if you stayed with me, is what Yoongi wants to say. Instead, he grabs another dress from the rack nearest him, shoving it into your hands. “No. Go on, seriously. Come out and show me every single one.”

“I want your honest opinions, then,” you say, turning back toward the dressing room.

Yoongi nods. “Promise I won’t mince my words.”

“Perfect.” You flash him a grin before closing the door, and Yoongi collapses into the nearest armchair to calm the erratic thumping of his heart.

///

“This might be worse than the last one,” Yoongi says bluntly, twenty-four minutes and six dresses later from his sprawled position on the plushy velvet armchair, gazing up as you regard your reflection in the three-paneled mirror on the wall.

You giggle, flapping your arms and watching as Yoongi’s mouth drops open in horror when your enormous silken sleeves billow outward. “But it’s better than the third one, right?”

“Christ,” he mutters. “We don’t speak of that monstrosity. Ever.”

“Don’t let the shop owner hear you,” you chide, but Yoongi recognizes the playful twinkle in your eye and feels an amused smile twitch at the corners of his mouth in spite of his tumultuous thoughts.

“I only speak the truth,” he says, but lowers his voice regardless. “Anyway, the fourth dress was okay, wasn’t it?”

You make a face. “It was kind of itchy. Plus, I’m pretty sure it gave me a permanent wedgie.”

He snorts out a laugh. “Thanks for sharing.”

“Anytime.”

As you gather up the rejected dresses and return them to their designated rack, Yoongi stands up, peering around the shop critically. Slowly, he meanders his way into a new corner that he hasn’t been in yet, browsing through the endless rows of white satin and lace.

By the time he emerges again with three new dresses in tow, you are standing in front of the massive three-paneled mirror trying to secure a veil onto your head. “This isn’t working,” you complain, catching sight of his reflection and turning around to face him with a pout. “Can you help?”

“I really don’t think I’m the person you should be asking,” Yoongi says even as his feet automatically take him several steps closer. He pauses to hang the dresses on your door before approaching you. “I might end up accidentally stabbing you with a pin or something,” he warns, steadfastly ignoring how sweaty his palms suddenly feel.

You laugh. “Don’t worry about that. I’ve already stabbed myself twice.” Handing over the pins, you turn back to the mirror, and Yoongi catches sight of your relaxed expression as he gingerly places a hand on your head. Your hair is soft underneath his fingertips, and he does his best not to disturb your bun as he carefully pins up the veil.

“There. I think that’ll stay put.”

You don’t notice the way Yoongi steps away immediately after saying the words, dropping the extra pins as if burned. Rather, you are gazing, wide-eyed, at the sight of your reflection, the lace now falling delicately around your face. “Yoongi, you’re amazing,” you say earnestly. “An absolute miracle worker.”

Hardly, a derisive little voice in Yoongi’s mind whispers. You wouldn’t be marrying Hoseok if I was. “Don’t be dramatic,” he says aloud, waving you off. “Go try on those new dresses I brought over.”

You are still distractedly fiddling with the veil, adjusting it so that it cascades neatly over your shoulders. “God, I hope one of them works out. I’m starving,” you mumble under your breath, and Yoongi snorts at the sudden turn in your train of thought.

“You’re cute,” he says before he can stop himself. Immediately, he backtracks, adding, “Now get your ass in that room and try on those dresses. We can get lunch after.”

A smile settles on your face, warm and affectionate. “You’re amazing,” you repeat, and the way you’re gazing at him makes Yoongi feel as if he’s been punched in the stomach. “Thank you for driving me today. Really. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Yoongi swallows, hard. “Yeah, yeah.” Grabbing your shoulder, he gives you a little nudge in the direction of the dressing room. And when you disappear inside, he finally lets out the long breath he’s been holding, collapsing into the armchair again with a low groan and burying his face into his hands.

At least you haven’t asked him to zip anything—a reprieve for which he is infinitely grateful. He’s certain you would be able to feel the way his hands are shaking, and after almost ten years of friendship he knows exactly how stubborn you can be sometimes. If you felt him shaking, you would definitely ask him about it, and the reasons behind his behavior are not something he wants to discuss. Not now. Not ever. He’ll keep it bottled up for as long as he needs to, until his feelings disappear. Because they will, he tells himself. They will.

So maybe he’s a little stubborn, too. But he doesn’t have time to dwell on those thoughts, because the dressing room door is clicking open again. Yoongi stands up and raises his gaze expectantly, only to feel his breath catch in his throat, mouth suddenly dry.

“Oh fuck. Wow.” His tongue feels like sandpaper.

You beam, stepping over to the mirror to take a look. “That good, huh?”

“Better,” he manages, voice cracking somewhere on the second syllable. Yoongi doesn’t know what kind of fabric this dress is made of, but the silky material clings to your curves like a second skin before flaring out into a skirt near your hips. A wisp of hair has escaped from your already messy bun to tickle your bare shoulders, and Yoongi’s fingers itch to smooth it away. “You look beautiful,” he tries again, clearing his throat. “Really.” A lump rises up, and he’s forced to swallow again before continuing. “Hoseok’s a lucky guy.”

You light up at the mention of your fiancé’s name. “I’m the lucky one,” you murmur, a fond smile crossing your face and settling there.

For a moment, Yoongi is at a loss for words. He cannot speak; he cannot think. All he can do is stare, memorizing every detail of your face. You are positively glowing, and he wonders vaguely whether or not the mention of his name would ever make you anywhere near as joyful. After what seems like an eternity, he finally finds his voice again. “You two are going to be really happy together,” he manages, reaching up to tuck the flyaway strand behind your ear.

And as long as you’re happy, I’m okay.

#yoongi #yoongi x reader #yoongi scenarios #bts scenarios #bts angst #yoongi angst #yoongi x you #suga #suga scenarios #suga x reader #suga x you #min yoongi #bts #bangtan boys #bts imagines #bts fic #lia writes

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fakehappyme · 7 years ago

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Only Want You C.H.

A/N: Hi! Since I‘m a loser and no one requested anything, I decided to just request something myself (lmao). While I‘m writing this imagine I will be listening to the song „Only Want You“ by Rita Ora and I‘ll see what happens.

Idk what to think about it, it‘s pretty cheesy and all but I hope you like it :)

Summary: you and calum broke up and have a sad life after the break up and andy makes you two meet again

Word count: 3.078

Warning: cheesy and bad grammar

MASTERLIST

It's been about six months since Calum and you have broken up. You're living in different parts of LA now and slowly build up a new life without each other again. The break up has been a messy one and both of you suffered terribly from it. You needed a lot of time to recover, but neither of you have forgotten the other yet, since you've had something really special. Everybody knew that what you had was nothing ordinary, but something that destiny must've planed. You looked at each other more intense than other couples did and everyone noticed. When you entered the room there was something like a tension in the air that no one could deny.

It all started when you met at Calum's friend Andy's birthday party. You were a close friend of Andy and for a short amount of time you even worked together. Calum and you were standing at the bar ordering a beer at the same time.

„A beer, please!", Calum and you shout at the same time to make the bartender hear your order over the loud music.

„Oh sorry, I didn't want to push in.", you say, giving Calum an apologetic smile.

„How dare you?", he glances at you just to see your surprised face, breaking into laughter shortly after. „I'm joking, it's all good."

„You scared me for a second. I thought you were one of these arrogant people that walk around this party. Like, I haven't met just one nice person yet, that's why I needed this beer real quick. I love Andy but most of his friends are assholes.", you tell Calum, making him laugh even more.

„Well, I just came so I can't relate but I like you, so we could hang out if you like.", he offers.

„Sounds good.", you gladly accept. „I'm (Y/N), by the way."

„Calum.", he answers, shaking your hand.

And this exact moment, was when you first touched the love of your life. For strangers it may seems just like another stupid love story, but for you it was life changing.

You were together for three years. The three best years of your lifes, followed by the worst six months after the break up. There were times when both of you didn't even know why you broke up in the first place and you just wanted to call each other to make up. But one characteristic that your kids would surely have is subbornness, because both of you have it in masses. So you never called each other after that one night, that changed your lifes again.

„What do you mean? I didn't cheat on you, Calum. You know as well as everyone else in this world that I could never cheat on you. Not even if I wanted to. And I don't see why I would want that.", you defend yourself once again. As much as you love each other, as heated are the fights. Fights aren't a rarity in your flat since the jealousy often takes over both of you. It was almost pathetic how often you would fight over something so simple just because you couldn't stand seeing the other one with another person.

„Yeah sure, (Y/N), I'm not stupid. Why would you spend a whole night at Crystal's house after a party and don't even think about calling me? And then Derek posts a pic of you hugging him on instagram? I can count one and one.", Calum hisses. He would never scream at you, even when you fought about stuff like this, you still had the biggest respect for each other.

„You're being ridiculous, Calum. I can't believe you can't trust me and have to accuse me of something like that. I'm sorry that he posted that pic, but we're not even that close on it.", you argue, pointing at the big space between yourself and Derek on the picture to proof your point. „I don't understand what kind of drug makes you fantasize shit like this, but I recommend you to stop taking it. You can call Crystal and Derek and ask them about last night, but I'm out."

„Maybe you should.", he says as calm as you had never heared his voice. Your fights were always intense, but it has never been this bad. This time it fully escalated.

„Okay, I'm packing my bags and I'll be gone in a few hours, don't worry, you'll probably never have to see my cheater-face again."

These were one of the last words said in your relationship. This time he didn't stop you. This time you didn't exaggerate.

None of your friends could believe it when you were telling them. It was Calum and (Y/N), you got through the worst of times together and now you were breaking up over something so stupid. Nobody could tell what was different this time. Maybe you were just exhausted from the many fights you've had over the last few weeks. It was always the same. You couldn't stand seeing each other with someone else. But how could this obsession break you apart, when you should be glued to each other? When you couldn't live without each other? Maybe that was the point. You couldn't live without each other.

For weeks after the break up you didn't leave your apartments. Calum went to the Studio and back home again, he skipped every party he was invited to and called in sick every single day he wasn't desperately needed on. You even quit your job, where you worked with Andy. You couldn't take being reminded of Calum through his friend and Andy constantly trying to cheer you up. But it wasn't so easy thinking about something else when you need to edit photos of your ex-boyfriend. You knew he had the best intentions, but working on 5sos stuff with Andy after the break-up was simply impossible for you. Before the break-up it seemed like a hobby, editing posters, pictures and videos of your boyfriend and his band with your best friend, but now seeing Calum hurt your eyes. Not because you hated him, but because you missed him so much and seeing and not being able to talk to him caused you endless pain.

It took you a few weeks to find a new job in a little photo-shop a few blocks from her apartment. At first you were living with Crystal, but you didn't want to disturb Michael and her living there, even though she said it was okay. But it was better for everyone. Michael reminded you of Calum, too. Everything did. Even breathing sometimes reminded you of Calum, so you were in desperate need to cut everything out of your life that really reminded you of him, even though it broke your heart. You loved Crystal, the band, Andy and everything around them. But Calum and you was history. A sad beautiful tragic love story.

The hurt soon was unbearable so the both of you tried everything to mend it by looking for someone else. You tried everything. Partying and wearing the shortest dresses, even sleeping with others, but none of it worked. They weren't Calum and none of them could ever replace him. Little did you know the girls Calum slept with couldn't replace you either.

The photo-shop you worked at now was really small and barely anyone knew about it. Sometimes you had to take passport photos or application photos of people or you advised people on what camera or what lenses to buy. It wasn't that you minded working there, but you just didn't feel like you belonged there. It was almost like you didn't belong into the life you were living. Without your dream job, without your friends, without Calum. They took your life with them and you needed to get it back.

After two months of working there you were on a good way. You made friends with your new co-worker, Sandra, and you actually managed to not think about your past life as much as you did before. You even unpacked some of the boxes in your apartment, that you hadn't touched since you moved out of your apartment with Calum.

It was almost like you got a piece of your life back and you could finally breathe again.

You could breathe, until one day, after these long six months of trying to recover, when you were working your shift in the shop and suddenly Andy walked in. You felt your body tense up and you felt like crying again. It was like everything you worked so hard for was gone.

He looked at you and froze. Did he not know that you worked here? At the same time he looked like something would finally make sense to him. „(Y/N)?", Andy asked. „Is that really you? I haven't seen you in like.. two months?"

You just nodded. You felt like your voice would break if you tried to speak, so you didn't.

„How are you?", he spoke softly as he came closer to you and saw how much you were fighting the tears.

„I..", you started. „I think I am okay.", you said but it sounded more like a question. „You?"

You didn't really want to talk about yourself, because you felt like crying while you did and something told you he noticed, cause he just nodded.

„A little stressed out. I'm planning my birthday party next week and I was actually looking for a lens for my photo-box camera. I was told this shop here had an very professional advisor so I thought coming here was worth a try. They even mentioned your name but I didn't know it was you, but know that I know it's you I'm surprised I didn't think about it."

You smiled, you felt pretty honored that someone would talk about you like that. It didn't appear to you as if people were really thrilled about the shop when they left, but apparently they were good actors.

„You should come.", he said.

„What? Oh, I don't know if that's a good idea..", you tried to stop him.

„(Y/N), please. All of us are missing you so much. We know you and Calum both had a rough time in the last months but it would mean a lot to me. And I know that the other's would love to see you again. We feel like we lost you.", he tries to persuade you while picking out a lens out of the cupboard and placing it on the counter.

„I miss you too, it's just.. it's just that I'm scared to see Calum. It's been so hard and sometimes I really don't know how I can live another day without Calum or any of you guys. But Calum probably doesn't feel the same way, so I need to distance myself or I will be stuck in this misery forever. It's too hard, I'm sorry.", you said a tear rolling down your face, quickly wiping it away with the back of your hand.

„You two are unbelievable, honestly. Instead of calling each other you two would rather suffer in pain forever. How can loving people be so blind?", he asked, handing you the money for the lens after you packed it into a bag. „I know it's hard but you really should come. Maybe you will be able to finish with all of this drama. I'm not going to force you, it's your decision but I really want you to come. Friday, 8pm, my flat.", he told you just before he left the shop. „See ya."

You couldn't think about anything else all week. Your head hurt from constantly thinking the same shit over and over again. „Should I go or not?"

On Friday you felt as if you were in a trance. The hours just passed by and suddenly you found herself in front of Andy's door. You put on you favorite dress, but you didn't feel as good in it as you usually do. The occasion made you feel insecure and weak.

You swallowed the lump in her throat and opened the door.

Loads of people were already there and you felt like everyone was staring at you when you entered, even though no one was even looking at you. You made your way through the crowd and tried to find Andy but you couldn't spot him anywhere, so you decided to get a much needed drink at the bar. „A beer.", you heard herself say and smiled a little at the thought of when you first met Calum at this exact spot, just to find the knife in your heart, knowing he's not yours anymore.

You turned around to see Andy and already want to go over to him when you see Calum standing right next to him. You held on to the beer in your hand when your feet were carrying her to the door, trying to sneak out without anyone seeing you.

„(Y/N),", you heard Andy calling after you but you didn't stop walking towards the door. You couldn't stop. You needed to get away. How could you even think about coming here? What did you even think? You thought it wouldn't hurt?

You slammed the door behind your back and ran down the stairs, hearing how someone opened the door again. „(Y/N), wait!", you heard someone call, but this time it wasn't Andy. It was Calum. Your motions instantly froze and you had to try hard not to fall down the stairs. You felt drunk even though the beer in your hand was still full.

You turned around to find Calum standing directly behind you. His scent already filling your nose, his presence fully hypnotizing you. „I.. I am so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I am leaving now.", you said, handing him the beer, turning around again but he grabbed you by the hand.

„No, please. I've been waiting too long for this to happen. To see you. I can't believe what a dumb fucker I was to let you go and not even trying to get you back. My life was so empty without you and I could barely live a second without thinking about you. I know it sounds stupid and maybe you don't believe me, but it's true. I love you, (Y/N), still and I always will. I'm so sorry for everything."

You felt your heart break at the thought of Calum feeling the same way you did all along. That's probably what Andy meant when he said that both of you were blind. Blind and stubborn.

„I am sorry too. I could've called you, but I was too hurt that you could think I would cheat on you, when you're the only one I could ever love, Calum. I can't love anyone else but you, can you please believe me this time?", you choked on your own words, crying. You didn't know that the fact, that Calum didn't believe you how much you loved him, hurt you so much. You could never actually proof him how much you loved him. You had to trust, that he believes and he didn't. But now that would hopefully change.

„I'm so sorry that I made you believe that it was your fault. It was me who ruined everything. I believe you now. I should have all along, (Y/N). I was so scared you could love someone else, that I forgot how much you love me. And when you were gone I was going insane. I slept with other girls that looked like you just to leave them alone in their beds in the morning to walk to your little shop that your working at. I know how that sounds, it's like I'm a psychopath but I couldn't help it. I just needed to see you, but after you even quit your job with Andy I was scared you didn't want to see me again. But being away from you only taught me that I don't want somebody like you, I only want you, (Y/N).", he said, a tear rolling down his face.

You looked at him in shock. How often have you dreamed about seeing Calum outside of your shop, when it was a quiet day, hoping he would come in and talk to you. The fact that he probably was the one to tell Andy about the shop blew your mind. Even though he kind of was a creepy stalker you couldn't help but laugh hysterically at how absolutely stupid the both of you were.

„Why are you laughing?", he asked a little confused.

„We are so stupid, Calum.", you said wiping the tear from his cheeks, leaning a little closer to him. „I did the same shit.", you admit. „Well, except the creepy stalking. But there wasn't a day where I wasn't hoping you'd call me or come into the shop. I was so sick of wearing these mini-dresses to impress all of these boys who just caused me problems and I hated every number I had in my phone when the one number I wanted to blow up my phone was yours. I don't want to spend another night trying to find another you. Never again.", you said closing your eyes to let the past weeks flash back through your head. All of the pain you had been in, all of these boys that meant absolutely nothing to you were now history. You guessed you had to leave him just to know how much you needed him. As you opened your eyes you couldn't hold yourself back anymore and kiss his plump lips that you missed for so long.

After the kiss and a following make out session you two decided to leave the party you barely attended. Calum still holding the beer in his hands, taking a sip. „Man I could need something stronger after that conversation.", he laughed.

„Me too. But I'm scared the stalker I'm with will kidnap me, I gotta be careful.", you said very happy you two could tease each other already again. It was almost like you were never apart.

„Well, watch me.", he laughed and lifted you up off the ground, carrying you home to the apartment you belong to. The one that you and Calum live in from now on.

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reader-imagines-blog · 8 years ago

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Devil For A Daddy (Matt Murdock x Reader)

a/n: hi again!! this is another one that wasn’t requested, i’ve just been in a very literary mood lmao. i watched a couple episodes of daredevil today and i was Inspired. i hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!!

WORD COUNT: 1,075 (yet again i got very carried away lmao)

************************************** Y/N couldn’t stop pacing the length of her and Matt’s shared apartment, her hand raised to her mouth as she bit her nails anxiously. Matt hadn’t come home yet and it was nearing 4 AM. He had promised that he’d be home no later than 2, and with that psycho that the media called ‘The Punisher’ on the loose, Y/N had been anxious and pacing for hours. She had tried to stop him before he left, her conscience weighing heavily on her shoulders along with the dangers of Matt’s ‘night job’.

Y/N had recently learned that she was pregnant, probably only about nine weeks along. And she was at a complete loss of what she was supposed to do. She had found out from Claire after Karen and Matt had made her get checked out for her frequent nausea. She hadn’t told Matt yet, as she had only found out herself two days ago.

Of course, Matt had told her to go to sleep and that he’d be there when she woke up, but that was never how it worked. Y/N stayed up waiting for Matt and then patched him up to her best ability when he got back. If he was injured beyond her limited medical knowledge, she would call Claire and watch as she patched him up. She couldn’t just sleep while she knew he was out there, possibly hurt. And now the risk was doubled.

It was the middle of summer and the heat in Hells Kitchen was sweltering, but, standing in her shorts and t-shirt, Y/N felt a nervous chill rush over her as Matt landed with a ‘thud’ on the fire escape.

Y/N raced to the window, squinting against the light of the billboard as she pushed it open and helped Matt into the apartment.

Matt gripped onto Y/N’s upper arms while she scanned him with her eyes, checking for any serious damage. He smiled softly, bringing his hand up to her chin and moving her head so she looked at him.

“Y/N, I’m fine. Just some bruising and a few scrapes.”

Y/N nodded hesitantly before wrapping her arms tightly around Matt’s middle, muttering into his chest. “I’ll get some ice and the kit. Sit down so I can clean the scrapes. Are you sore anywhere that I can’t see?”

Matt complied, sitting on the couch and removing the horned mask and then his shirt.

“No. It wasn’t too bad tonight, love.”

As Matt sat on the couch and listened to Y/N move around, the sound comforting him and bringing him down from the adrenaline rush that came with his vigilantism, his hearing caught something abnormal. Matt could hear Y/N’s heartbeat, like always, but there was something else…

Matt’s face contorted in concentration as he tried to pinpoint the disturbance, but it was small and very faint from this distance. Y/N came back, sitting down next to him and setting up the first aid kit. Matt tilted his head as the disturbance became more prevalent, sounding almost like a second heartbeat.

Y/N startled when Matt suddenly placed a hand on her lower abdomen, his face twisted in concentration. She took her lip between her teeth, gnawing on it in anxiety as she anticipated his reaction. “I had hoped to tell you myself…”

Matt’s eyes widened in realization and he put his other hand on Y/N’s stomach, turning to face her, his eyes not quite finding her face as she waited for some kind of reaction.

“H-How long have you known…?”

Y/N took a deep, calming breath before answering, placing her hands over his.

“I found out two days ago from Claire when you and Karen made me go see her for the nausea…she said I’m about nine weeks along.”

Matt nodded distractedly, leaning down to press his ear to Y/N’s midsection. His throat tightened and his eyes burned when he heard a faint heartbeat. Matt then took notice of the fast, frightened rhythm of Y/N’s heart.

She was scared.

Matt sat up straight and took Y/N into his arms, his chin resting on top of her head.

So was he.

“I’m going to be a dad…W-we’re going to be parents. You’re pregnant. With my kid.”

Y/N nodded, shifting herself into Matt’s lap as she hugged him back. Her heartbeat didn’t accelerate beyond the rate it was already at, and Matt’s face lit up in a wide smile.

“I had a minor breakdown when Claire told me. Karen was there and she doesn’t even know yet, I wanted you to find out first. I was scared you’d be angry…”

Matt tilted his head, confused. “Angry..? Why?”

Y/N shifted nervously in his arms. “You’re Catholic, Matt. I figured you would’ve been, I don’t know, upset that we aren’t married.”

Matt nodded, understanding her point, but hugging her tighter to him. “I don’t mind. As long as I’m willing to do this with you, which I am, then I’m fine. This kid is going to be so loved, it won’t matter.”

Y/N went quiet for a while, content to relax in Matt’s arms, before he spoke again, his chest rumbling under Y/N’s ear.

“Unless…you’d want to get married? To seal the deal?”

Matt immediately felt Y/N shift in his arms, sensing her eyes on him. “Well…that depends. Are you asking?”

Matt grinned, Y/N’s heartbeat yet again picking up, but this time it was out of excitement. He could practically feel her happiness as it radiated off of her.

“I’ve had a ring on hold at the jewelers by the office for about a month…so, yes. I am asking. A bit sooner than I wanted, but I think this warrants it.”

Y/N laughed, her arms tightening around Matt’s midsection painfully, but Matt couldn’t be bothered to care. Y/N’s answer came in a tearful whisper, her smile pressed into the crook of Matt’s neck.

“Then of course. Let’s get married.”

Matt smiled and squeezed her back, now consciously mindful of Y/N’s midsection.

Y/N pulled away from Matt after a bit, reaching to the coffee table for the first aid kit, where she caught sight of the horned mask and she laughed quietly. “I hope that this baby isn’t a girl, for her sake more than anything.”

Matt pulled away from Y/N, taking her face in his hands although he couldn’t see her. “And why’s that?”

Y/N smirked, taking Matt’s hand from her cheek and beginning to bandage the scraped knuckles.

“Because her devil of a daddy will scare the hell out of any date that comes through that door.”

#daredevil #daredevil imagine #daredevil x reader #matt murdock #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock imagine #marvel imagine #marvel #marvel x reader #imagine #desi writes

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handgunz · 8 years ago

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this really long questions meme thing that you can read if you want to get to know me but if not you can continue to go watch rick & morty or whatever shit you’re consuming this fine wednesday night

so many ppl tagged me for this like @shimmy-sham-with-the-fam and @www98vikitoo off the top of my head but i legit cant remember the rest and i dont wanna change tabs

for any questions i dont wanna answer ill just put “AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES” bc thats the answer to the “last song you listened to/what are you listening to rn” lmfaooo and yall should listen to that creepy ass RWBY soundtrack bc i listened to it to the point where it stopped being really disturbing and actually kinda catchy

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water

2. Phone call: @proofofhumanity it was probably yesterday or today, i dont really remember bc we call like almost every single day. aka im usually the only one talking while she types stuff in response.

3. Text: it was @ DC like 2 seconds ago

4. Song you listened to: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES (this is actually the song tho)

5. Time you cried: i dont remember, probably a long time ago

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: lmfao worst relationship of my life

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: not really actually

8. Been cheated on: yep

9. Lost someone special: lmfao

10. Been depressed: im too cool for that

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: not that stupid

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: silver, black, red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: i make new friends like every week lmao

16. Fallen out of love: yea

17. Laughed until you cried: wyd??? i do this literally every day. i laugh so fucking much every single hour at the dumbest shit, probably 30% of my life is spent laughing at someone or something.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: uwu ya

19. Met somebody who changed you: im the only person who can change myself gtfo

20. Found out who your friends are: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

23. Do you have any pets: yea, 2 doggies

24. Do you want to change your name: sorta??

25: What did you do for your last birthday: whatever my mom wanted to do for the occasion, i dont really remember bc i didnt care

26. What time did you wake up: 6am every day

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching rwby chibi, talking to abby, lost, and lotti on discord, was rlly warm under some blankets

28. Name something you cant wait for: im rlly excited about mercury being in volume 5!! i cant wait til he comes on because he’s one of my fave characters ever <33333333333

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 2-3 hours ago?

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: n/a

31: What are you listening to right now: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i doubt it?

33. Some thing that is getting on your nerves: nothing that i can think of at the top of my mind

34: Most visited website: tumblr or discord

35. mole/s: wtf

36: mark/s: i have a birthmark that kinda looks like a heart on my hand

37: Childhood dream: n/a

38: Hair color: dark brown

39: long or short hair: it’s long ig, it goes down to a little bit above the halfway point in my back

40: Do u have a crush on anyone: i dont have time for that kind of thing

41: What do you like about yourself?: everything lmao i dont have low self esteem, at least i dont think so

42. Piercings: my ears are pierced but i dont wear earrings

43. Blood type: A+ or A-, i dont really remember

44. Nickname: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

45. Relationship status: single and not available for flirting

46. Zodiac: aries sun, scorpio moon, aries rising (yeah im the devil)

47. Pronouns: he/him or she/her

48: Favorite tv shows: rwby, hxh, and nge

50. Right or left hand: both

51. Surgery: no thanks

52. Hair dyed in a different color: i dont do that lmao

53: Sport: too busy with grades for that

55. Vacation: las vegas is my favorite city so i would really like to go there again. french buffets are cool.

56: Pair of trainers: wyd??

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: popcorn

58. Drinking: citrus tea

59. I’m about to: sleep hopefully

61: Waiting for: rwby vol 5 ep 5 comin out this weekend

62: Want: to write better and better til im the best. i dont really know what this question is asking. but that’s one of my various goals.

63. Get married: i believe in prenuptial agreements but if that’s out of the way then sure

64. Career: gonna be a nurse or a physician’s assistant (while writing as a hobby)

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: hugs definitely

66. Lips or eyes: literally do not remember the last time i cared about lips, so probably eyes

67. Shorter or taller: doooon’t really care

68. Older or younger: preferably the same age honestly ?

70. nice arms or nice stomach: whoooo caaaaaaaares

71: sensitive or loud: anyways i want to die

72. Hook up or relationship: meeeeeeercuryyyyyyyyy blaaaack

73. troublemaker or hesitant: lusus naturae, bitch

HAVE YOU EVER:

74: Kissed a stranger: ugh

75. Lost glasses / contact lens: nope

76. Turned someone down: yea

78. Sex on the first date: no

79. Had your heart broken: yea

80. Broken someone’s heart: yeaaaaaaaaa

81. Been arrested: why are you interrogating me

82. Cried when someone died: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

83. fallen for a friend: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: more than anything else in the world. i’d rather believe in myself than anyone i’ve ever met in my entire life.

85. Miracles: nope

86. Love at first sight: noooope

87. Santa Claus: AWAKEN MY BROOD, TODAY YOU WILL RISE, I'VE GIVEN YOU LIFE MY LUSUS NATURAE OPEN YOUR EYES

OTHER:

90. current best friend name: lost

91. Eye color: brown because im a bitch of color

92. favorite movie: aaaaaaaaaa maybe kill bill? heathers? mean girls? no idea

this took like ten thousand years so maybe @driftingglass @decembercamiecherries @proofofhumanity @smooth-and-skeletal @abnirests @inspookswetrust whoever tf else wants to do this who’s actually read this far just idk say i tagged you or something

#this took forever #admin #idk how tf to tag this #tag game (?)

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beowulfs-booty-call · 8 years ago

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The High Priestess, Strength, The Hermit, Justice, The Sun, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

WHEEEEEEE! Okay, honestly, whee reminds me of the Sun and what do you know, a birth tarot card lmao

Anywho, without further ado...!

The High Priestess: One thing you wish you knew

Golly, there’s a lot of stuff I wish I knew, tbh... I wish I knew a lot of stuff I didn’t have to learn the hard way these more recent years in a sense...

But, to be real, I wish I really knew if I was ever going to fall in love with the right person in my life. I know, I know, “You’re the romantic incubus, you’re going to.” But what I mean is, I wish I knew when was the right time, like, how do I know when I’ll be ready to fall in love with someone? Will it be when I feel comfortable with myself like I’m learning to? Will it be when I start bettering myself because of someone else? Will it be when I lose someone and I realize the things they brought to my life ended up making me living a life I can’t live without them? It’s... Tough. I woke up two hours ago, from an intense fever like dream and suddenly everything feels like nothing really exists. Like I’ve been dreaming for a hundred years.

And that’s what I’ve been wondering about since I woke up.

When will I know I can or will fall in love.

Granted, it’s something I feel is sort of my own recurring thing to figure out, I really wish I just... Knew, you know?

Now, if it was about a thing I wish I knew as a kid I didn’t have to now, it would be that, people are going to love me for who I am, that being bi is perfectly fine, and being my own person is nothing to hurt me. Masculinity, Femininity... They’re just perceived notions of people. No one is going to stop loving me just because I cross my legs, or because I feel personally comfortable with someone of my own gender, and the opposite gender now and again in a relationship with myself. That... That it’s okay to be who you are now, that no one’s going to tell you to be you, than yourself and your heart.

I really wish I knew that so long ago, so I could be so much happier when I was younger, but, the thing to takeaway from that now is that in the end, it’s okay. I’m learning to make my life better now, and others. That’s really all I can do. And I’m hella into it.

Strength: Something you struggle with

God, accepting myself was the first thing, learning to move on from past mistakes was another, but they’re something I’ve gotten through. Right now, it’s working past the emotional abuse my parents have put me through and learning to give myself the love they haven't. I still have to deal with the pain of looking in the mirror, and thinking: “You’re okay, you aren’t a tool. You aren’t unfeeling for bottling things up. You were just hurt. And that’s okay.” It’s also come to the point I say sorry for many things, big and small but for nigh anything. I know you’ve helped coach me not to put myself in a position in which small acts of kindness are worth gratitude in the way that I make it seem (Like, you know, saying thank you for you acting like a decent person when, I don’t consider myself that.) as well as apologizing for any little thing, but it’s still something I’m trying hard to come off on. I personally think I waste people’s time and I don't actually deserve any sort of kindness because I’m so used to vying for it instead. I’m used to watching people be happy, and I try my best to make them happy, but I can’t see myself happy. And that’s why it’s still hard for me to come off my mannerisms as “stiff”.

It’s hard because I have these doubts in my mind that when I put my hands together and I feel “stiff”, I’m that kid who sits alone during an award’s ceremony, my parents not there, and I’m walking up to the podium like a machine, and I sit back and pretend I don’t feel anything so I don't break down telling everyone I’m sorry for looking so badly.

The truth is, I’m learning to move past it. The stiffness is still there at times, but this time I have people I can trust and talk to, and people who love me for who I am. It’s really done a number on my mannerisms now, and, well, I know that this is something I can overcome sometime in the future.

The Hermit: Favourite way to spend a day alone

I like to walk and explore my town or the city when I’m alone, or curl up in bed and read a good book! Personally, I've been left alone for many a time, so I got used to the alone time by inserting myself in stories and myths I read, or by surfing the net for the latest spells to add to my grimoire. When I’m exploring, I like to window shop and maybe even do some chatting with the locals in my spot! We’re all technically neighbors in the sense that I feel perfectly fine with striking up a conversation with someone while waiting for a chai latte at Starbucks.

That said, I like to draw and write, it’s how I practice! Voice acting... Praying / meditating... Heck, even singing at times!

But the best way, I say, is when I sit down, put my favorite songs on, all light and maybe a little bit airy... And I wash my hands clean and start to organize my gemstone collection and I do the same with my pokemon card collection and coin collection too! I look through my memory box and then I start to Right after, I pull up my memory box and I end my day there.

My memory box is this lovely fake box shaped like a book that housed simple trinkets, like a keychain from my teacher when he went to London, tickets from the movies I saw with an old friend... A hand made letter from my grandpa... Those things all got into my memory box. At times, when I feel bad, I sift through them and I let myself rethink the memories I had with them.

Justice: A decision you wish you could do over

Definitely not allowing myself to really branch out and start learning more about myself. I didn’t take up any clubs in school until I was a sophomore / junior because my parents told me my grades weren’t high enough (I was an 80 student at the time because the classes were AP and Honors) and as such, clubs were a “luxury”. I ended up taking International Club with my Spanish teacher, later adoptive father figure, Martinez, and photography club in late junior club with my other spanish teacher who really got me into acknowledging myself as a real persona and my love for photography. And even art club!

Had I done that earlier, I feel like I would have so much more to give back and get on as time goes on, but in the end? I’m so glad I took them up anyhow, they’re pieces of what made me who I am today.

The Sun: Your happiest memory

Goodness, there’s some few of them I got in mind, but man...

One of them was when, I was but a young kid, no more than like 4 or 5. I visited my grandfather in his real estate office and I was just about to graduate my prekindergarten class.

Now, my grandpa looked at me like I was his pride and joy even though we weren’t related by blood. Let me tell you. This man was in his office, and I ended up coming in, and asked his assistant if he was free. Jay, his assistant, warned me that he was busy, but I told him I only wanted to just drop in and say hi. It was a lie, because I wanted me and Mr. Rudy (as we called him, he hated the name “Grandpa”) to go to have lunch at mcdonalds or white castle since it was late may and, well, who doesn’t like some fast food?

So, I knock at his door, and he opens the door to see little old me in my catholic school uniform with a tie and dress shirt and the whole shebang saying,

“Good afternoon, Mr. Rudy! How are you? Are you with a customer?” (Little me prided himself on being able to say customer and not mincing the word like when I say “renember” instead of “remember”.)

And normally you’d see his glare under his glasses and he’d be angry with you if you did disturb him, but soon as he saw me... He laughed, opened his arm and pulled me up and carried me in talking to his client at the time and sat me down on his lap while he was at his deck. I don’t recall the actual thing the client and him were discussing, but they asked who I was and my grandpa had the biggest, proudest grin on his face and he put his hand over my head, ruffled my hair and said sUPER loud “This is my son!” and little me... Man, little Chris™ was “I’m his son!” on repeat for a good hour.

We went out, to my graduation after that, and it was then my grandpa went ahead, cancelled his meetings and personally was there to watch. He took me out to celebrate at the local diner and we ended up talking endlessly about Jesus and the catholic religion as a whole because I was just learning about it all. Honestly, it was my happiest memory, because when my father and mother never once acted like one, my grandpa was there to do so, with a big smile on his face, a good stimulating chat with someone like me, and always saw me as an adult. I felt so validated for my feelings and thoughts. That memory never left me, not even to this day. He’s sadly not around anymore since he passed memorial day weekend, but in an odd sense? He left me a cross made of petrified wood and a cast iron Christ on it, with an opal rosary wrapped around it and a leather backed bible dating from the 60′s. In a sense, he’s not here anymore, but those memories, those little things we did together... They’ll never leave me.

#Thanks for asking me this David!#Really!#Wulf answers #Girafari-g-irafarig #girafari-g-irafarig

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guns-n-zeppelin · 8 years ago

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Never say die - Chapter 7

Pairing: Axl Rose x reader Words: 1851 Summary: Reader accidentally time travels back to 1985 where Axl, Duff, Slash, Steven and Izzy find her. Never say die masterlist A/N: So i had time to write today after all. I apologise if there’s been too little Axl lately but i want to maintain her friendship with other guys too. I don’t even know what i think about this story anymore lmao. Let me know what you think again!

Axl's POV Slash, Duff, Steven and Izzy had gone out to deal with their own personal things, they had left about half an hour ago and would be home in an hour probably. I was at our place with Amy, she was preparing herself for her date tonight. I was going to record stuff with the guys later today when they would come back. ”Hey, Axl! Could you come here quickly?” Amy yelled. I got up from my seat and walked to the bedroom. She was standing in front of a mirror. ”What's up?” i asked. ”Could you please zip this for me? I can't do it myself,” Amy asked and moved her hair over the right shoulder so i could see her back better. ”Oh yeah, of course!” i answered and walked behind her. I put my other hand on her left shoulder and zipped the dress with my free hand. ”There. I've never seen you in a dress,” i chuckled and didn't let go from her shoulders but she didn't turn around anyway. I admired her beautiful figure from the mirror for a while. ”Your hair is nice though.” ”Thanks, Axl. It took ages to get my curls to look good enough,” she chuckled. ”And well, Scarlet and Sam insisted me to put a dress on so. They take this so seriously,” she answered rolling her eyes. We looked at each others through the mirror. ”So, where are you two going?” ”Oh, we're actually doing this double date thingy with Sam and Emily at a restaurant so it wouldn't be so awkward,” she laughed. ”I've never met him, so.” She shrugged. ”Well, i bet he's a really nice guy,” i said whispering, trying to smile. ”I mean, he better be and treat you like a fucking princess or i'll track him down,” i stated seriously. She just giggled and nodded. ”I think i trust Scarlet and Sam's taste,” she said. ”But i'll totally call you if he's an total ass.” I chuckled as well. ”So, do you know his name?” i asked quietly. ”I guess it was Jon or something. Sam said he plays in a band as well, he's apparently a singer too,” she answered and before i had time to say anything, the doorbell rang and she grabbed her purse. She went to put her jacket and shoes on. ”I'll see ya tomorrow!” she said and opened the door. She turned to look at me one more time, smiled and waved a good bye. And at that exact moment when i watched her leave with that beautiful smile on her face, i felt my stomach drop and had this weird, unfamiliar feeling inside me. I just wanted to pull her back inside and not leave the house, i wanted her to stay with me. Not go out with some random man she had never even met. But i didn't know why. And thus the door was closed, she was gone and i was left alone. --- Amy's POV We arrived at the restaurant. It was nothing big or expensive but it seemed really cozy and nice. We went to sit in a booth, Emily in front of me and Jon next to me. I hadn't talked to Emily much before, we hadn't really hanged out just the two of us so this was a chance to get to know her better too. ”So, how has your day been, Amy?” Sam asked and looked at me. Thank god she opened her mouth first, i was usually really awkward with new people. ”Oh, it has been alright. I haven't done anything special really. It was my day off from work anyway,” i answered. I had been working at a local record store for a while already. I loved working there, my colleagues were also great. In 2017 i had been working as a cleaner in a hotel so this really beats it. ”Where are you working?” Jon asked interested. ”At a record store. I get to listen to good music all day and talk about it all the time without people becoming irritated,” i laughed and Jon chuckled as well. ”Well, i would never get irritated about talking music, vice versa,” he said smiling. ”I heard you played in a band? What's its name?” i asked. He looked really familiar but i couldn't link him to any band i listened to. ”We're called Bon Jovi. We've played already for a couple of years to be honest. Also, my whole name is John Francis Bongiovi but people just call me Jon Bon Jovi,” he answered. ”Oh my god, you're that dude! I've heard of you guys,” i gasped and he just chuckled. ”I haven't listened much to your music though, heard maybe few songs. My friend loves your music and –” I stopped talking before i could finish my sentence. Shit. Can i start talking about Amelie and Leo? What would i tell them about where they are now anyway? I'm a horrible liar, maybe it’s better if i don’t even start. ”What is it?” Sam asked concerned. ”Nothing, nothing,” i shook my head. ”When are you leaving to your tour though?” He pondered it for a moment. ”Somewhere in February or March, i'm not sure about the date really. Sometimes i really have a shitty memory,” he answered laughing. ”But enough of me. How long have you two been together?” he asked turning his gaze to Emily and Samantha. ”We started dating about three years ago. It's our anniversary after Christmas,” Emily answered and took Samantha by her hand. They shared a happy gaze together and my heart was about to melt. They were so cute and perfect together. I couldn't be more happy for them. ”That's great. Are you going to do anything special?” i asked them. They turned their head back towards me. ”We've been planning something but haven't decided anything yet. We thought it would be nice to go camping together if the weather allows us to,” Emily answered. Samantha had told me she and Emily loved camping. ”That sounds good,” i said. We continued talking for what seemed hours. I had ordered the basic spaghetti bolognese – that was always the safe choice – while Jon went with a steak. Emily and Sam both decided to eat chicken salads. Soon Sam and Emily had to go back home and i was left along with Jon. He was a really nice guy, more than i expected to be honest. We talked and talked, there weren't any awkward silences between us, we had so much in common. He asked if i wanted to hear some of their songs sometime, he'd be really glad to play some to me and of course i accepted the offer. I never had the chance to listen them properly in the 21st century anyway so this was a great chance for that. Soon we had to leave the restaurang as well when the waiter came and told us that they were closing the restaurant. We noticed we were the only ones sitting here anymore and thus we put our jackets on and left. It was already quite dark and Jon offered to walk me back home. I wouldn't decline that kind of offer this late, i thought. Dark streets still gave me chills after the incident i experienced with Amelie and Leo months ago. I arrived in front of my house with Jon, i didn't live very far. We stood right next to my door. ”I had really great time tonight, you know,” i said. ”I didn't think i'd have this fun actually. I haven't been on a date in ages,” i continued and laughed a bit. He was a bit taller than me but not much. The difference wasn't as big as it was with Duff atleast or something, i thought. ”You were pretty awesome company as well,” he said politely and smiled. God, he had a pretty smile. ”So, does this mean i get a second date?” he asked, a hopeful twinkle in the eye. I was quiet for a moment, pretending to ponder it for a moment, not sure what to answer. ”Hmm, i guess that's possible,” i said and shrugged but i couldn't help the smile that spread on my face. I leant a bit forward and gave him a quick kiss on his left cheek. He smiled even wider than before. ”Well, sleep well, beautiful. I'll call you,” he said and winked. --- Axl's POV I arrived to the bar with Slash, Duff, Izzy and Steven. It was the bar we always visited, we didn't really go to other ones. We went to sit on a booth and ordered couple of beers. ”I'm surprised, Duff, not vodka tonight?” Steven joked and Duff rolled his eys. ”Hey, even i need a change for a while,” he answered and took a sip of his beer. We came here to fine-tune some of our lyrics since we had drank all of the alcohol at our place. Me and Izzy tried to argue that it was a really bad idea, we wouldn't get anything done in a bar full of chicks. Although, Duff had said that today was always quite quiet here this early and most of the people would come much later. He was actually right, atleast half right. I think all of us were quite tired writing lyrics anyway for today, we had been fine-tuning them a lot already. Slash and Duff basically wanted some excuse to leave the house. And the bartender, his name was Steve, owned us a round of beers anyway. After half an hour happened what i expected to happen. Bunch of chicks came from the door which immediately got Slash distracted and i noticed his lustful gaze. ”Look, we can continue tomorrow,” i chuckled what was enough for Slash to sprint towards the girls. He was gone for a while, but soon came back with five girls, one for each apparently. ”So, here's Miranda, Charlotte, Anna, Penny and Amanda,” Slash introduced. ”Amanda, why wouldn't you go there with Axl.” Slash pointed at me with his finger. I didn't answer anything, just watched the girl come closer to me and sit on my lap. She put her arm around my shoulder and all of sudden i felt really uncomfortable. Amanda, Amy… The names were too similar. I had never felt like this before like i had been feeling all night and it disturbed me so much. ”So, as i was saying –” Duff continued, i hadn't listened even the half of what they had been talking about, but he stopped talking when he saw me moving the girl away from my lap. I got up and started walking towards the door, fast. ”Hey, dude! Where are you going?” Steven yelled but i didn't turn around to answer him. I stepped out of the bar to the chilly night. I leant my back on the brick wall and let myself fall to sit on the ground, still leaning on the wall. I held my head with my hands and kept my elbows on my knees. My heart beated faster than earlier. All i could think all night was just Amy and he was out with another man anyway. What's wrong with me?

#guns n roses #guns n roses fanfiction #axl rose #axl rose imagine #imagine axl rose #steven adler #duff mckagan #slash #izzy stradlin #axl rose x reader #axl rose fanfiction

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vivaciousyellow · 7 years ago

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v: merry christmas LOL, personal ramblings, nanette, barakamon

honestly this is just beyond embarrassing at this point but here we go

dear ying,

what do you say to someone whose brother is dying? what do you say when that person is your mother?

in my case, the short answer is… you say nothing.

that sounds so shitty right? and really i’m not sure if i’m trying to justify it to myself by writing it out in this here post but i guess we’ll see where it takes us -- and at some point i’ll write about nanette, which will be the biggest cop-out book club blog post because the only thing i read for that was the subtitles. might also do a bonus cop-out and write about barakamon vol 15 because apparently the only thing i can bring myself to read is manga and even then that was a struggle. i will add a mark when i change topics LOL this will be long :/

so i wrote the first few lines of this post well over two months ago and i’ve been coming back to try and add to it multiple times since then, but each time i just don’t know what to say. i had updates i could use as milestones - my uncle had surgery but they said they couldn’t guarantee they got rid of all the cancer; the cancer metastasizing, leading also to an interesting intergenerational debate in the family about trying chinese medicine (my parents’ generation was all for it, esp since the american doctors basically said there’s nothing else that can be done, but my uncle’s sons - who are in their mid/late 30s and have been in america since high school - sided with the american doctors and were against trying the herbal pills). early last month my two aunts flew in from the east coast and that really shifted something in my understanding of the situation - things felt more real all of a sudden, like they came to say goodbye. things looked real bad on thanksgiving - we spent half the day outside of the ICU after an urgent call from the doctors.

now it’s christmas eve and we visited him yesterday - the cancer is everywhere, the doctors have given up on treatment, and now it’s kinda just maintaining comfort until the end. given all of that, he’s doing okay. but what i’ve been wanting to process and write about is my mom’s role in all of this and also the capacities of grief and empathy.

i think my mom is an amazing person - she took the news hard and i wasn’t there for it. since then she’s become one of the pillars of support for my uncle’s family and taking on the communication “””burden””” of relaying information to the rest of the family. she’s done so much and appears so strong yet sometimes i just want her to cry, dammit. keeping it together and putting on a brave face is fucking difficult difficult lemony difficult and i’d love for her to not have to bottle it up.

the night of burlesque my sister told me how much our mom cried, and when i asked if i should come home she said no - that mom would feel guilty that i’m away from school and not able to focus on my work. and this goes back to what i said earlier - the way i said nothing. and i’ve shown love and support in other ways: massages, more hugs and affection and asking how uncle’s doing, helping her cook the meals she brings to him, being her brain when things are hectic (making sure we bring things like water and snacks and chargers as we hurriedly pack for the hospital on thanksgiving), but i haven’t been brave enough to simply ask ‘are you okay? how are you feeling today? what else can i do for you?’

and as a psychology major and someone who wants to go into minority mental health, isn’t this what i should be doing? how can i think of being a clinician if i can’t practice what i preach?

but another thing that has been on my mind since thanksgiving is grief and empathy. who is allowed to grieve, at what times, and at what point do others stop empathizing with that sadness and instead become annoyed?

when we were driving to the hospital on thanksgiving, my mom was on the phone with my aunt (the uncle’s wife) who was in tears. she continued to cry as we arrived and would continue to sob heavily for the next hour, then on and off for another couple hours. and that’s understandable, right? your husband seems to be on his deathbed. however, her sobs were quite loud and she hovered and it quickly got crowded in the hospital room with all of the hospital staff, her son and his wife, and more and more relatives coming. the nurses let some of us go to an office and my aunt was led there to be comforted by the nurses, my mom, her daughter in law, and my sister and i.

as the cries continued, some of the things my mom and other aunts said were - don’t cry don’t cry, it makes it harder on him if he hears you crying, it’ll disturb him, etc. though one of my other aunts made the remark (outside of my crying aunt’s earshot) that her sobbing was disruptive and perhaps over the top. and i won’t lie, it really was loud and echoed throughout the hospital halls, so i will shittily admit that i was also kind of self-conscious of the volume. as the hour went on, i felt the agitation of the other family members rise, and it was fueled when my aunt started saying other things (how my uncle has always been so strong and a good person, why did he deserve this, how she’s a worse person why can’t she die instead, how she wishes she would die right now). and that, as you may know, is a huge superstitious no-no.

it’s not the first time she’s expressed suicidal ideations (another huge huge concern) either, and she has apparently also mentioned this in the presence of my uncle. something along the lines of her burden and also how he has been verbally abusive towards her for years. and that’s certainly a beast of an issue already, but for my mom and the relatives, these instances were about not letting my uncle hear because then he will feel like he’s being a burden, etc.

and it’s tough i guess, trying to navigate a space of empathy for someone in rightful distress, of trying to soothe the ill and keep them as at ease as possible, of prioritizing the very limited emotional bandwidth of everyone present. it’s definitely complex and layered and probably no easy or right answer, but it’s been weighing pretty heavily on my mind since then.

ANYWAY i wrote this out not expecting you to have read it all (but thank you regardless of if you did or didn’t) and certainly not expecting you to respond. it was nice to flesh out some of the stuff that’s been happening and to start shaping words out of whatever has been clustering in my mind these past several months. i think i’ve only really told a couple people about my uncle so writing has been helpful. thanks ying for this platform, even if i’m not exactly using it as intended

actually this reminds me - my uncle’s son is named ying. i mean i knew this as soon as i met you, but writing it out in this context feels strange and almost eerie

OKAY MOVING ON TO AN ATTEMPT AT A REVIEW

alright so you suggested i write a review of nanette because i am apparently not capable of reading a book - but really really hoping i can get to it soon. i loved nanette - at the beginning i was kind of like ah okay she’s funny, though i wouldn’t have said she stood out that much, aside from her jokes being more about being gay. but as she went on and got into depth about the process of writing jokes - how to control the room, what is required, what needs to be left out - as well as her own thoughts on staying in the business, i started to see why you and rachel thought it was so good.

hannah talked about how she has been concerned about whether her audience has been laughing with her jokes (and by extension experiences of the lgbt+ community) or at them. and that was a concern i remember dave chapelle saying he struggled with and that was why he left the business for so long. i’m hopeful though because the crowd seemed really supportive of her branching outside of solely comedy within the show - and i think it was beautifully illustrated at the end when (spoiler!!) the overprotective boyfriend of the girl she flirted with realized that hannah was indeed a woman and really did beat her up. her explanation of why the rules of standup require she leave that part out, why she is tired of telling incomplete stories, and why she wants things to change was really amazing and thought provoking. def looking forward to more from her soon!

as for barakamon vol 15 LOL i actually haven’t finished that yet but i did read something so! lmao yo the man is 23 and UMM the anime came out in 2014 aka i was like 19 years old it was freshman year at nu. and now here i am, ALSO 23. back then that felt like ages away like haha handa yeah get ur shit together you’re kinda young sure but ur 23 that’s an adult adult. and now here we are lmao i feel u handa take all the time u need go ahead and raise ur lil island children

and that concludes my three-month overdue post. i really did nothing i was supposed to and i’m so sorry i haven’t been respectful of your time and what we had set to be a fun joint goal. i love you so much thank you for your infinite kindness and patience. merry christmas and i can’t wait to see you this week!! <3 love u babehh

love,

victoria

#victoria #I AM SO SORRY #I AM HUMAN TRASH #i love u

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ilygsd · 7 years ago

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odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that????? i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

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