#or I mean they’re major things - But I guess the drive of the plot was the political stuff which felt a bit samey to me.

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads

This Dark Descent

YA fantasy in a world of political unrest & war

a girl whose family ranch is overcome with debt, and her only option to save it is to win the dangerous magical horse race - but she’s not allowed to use an enchanted horse

and a girl who uses illegal magic without a license, and can make undetectable animal golems

both are brought together by a rich heir who has a plan to help them both - in exchange for helping him

Jewish folklore; demidemi & questioning MCs

[the-cat-chat]

January 27, 2024

Christine (1983)

A nerdish boy buys a strange car with an evil mind of its own and his nature starts to change to reflect it.

JayBell: My understanding before going into this movie is that it's Herbie but with murder. And honestly, it's kind of true. I will say this movie actually wasn't as silly as I thought it was gonna be. It could've been wayyyy sillier.

My major issue with this movie is how sharp and sudden the transformation of the main character is. Like the big deal is that he makes a supernatural connection with this car, and the car begins changing him. But because the first part of the movie is from the perspective of the friend, the viewer doesn't actually get to see his change from nerdy dude to asshole. He just shows up one day, already full asshole and lacking glasses and with a new wardrobe. It would be nice to see this as a progression and not a sudden change.

The construction of the plot feels odd. It's broken up into segments. The friend's point of view, and then the main character's, and then it switches back to the friend. I also think the investigator guy isn't as incorporated into the plot as he should've been.

It's basically the plot of Carrie, but focused on a young guy instead of a young woman. Well-meaning best friend, controlling parents, supernatural force (aka car) used as instrument for revenge against bullies. It has almost all the elements of Carrie, but Carrie is way more sympathetic and has a more interesting dynamic with her mom.

Rating: 5/10 cats 🐈

Anzie: I really have no clue what to say other than this is a total experience. And that I loved it while also being simultaneously baffled and cringing bc of the weird behavior or the characters. First off I could see how Arnie was kinda cute (later to realize it’s the younger Matty Healy rat boy look- and then even later to change my mind when Arnie loses his mind). Andrew the old man selling the car?? I’m not saying anymore on him he needs to be forgotten. But let’s divert- the guys at school- ummm they’re all at least 35 right??? Did they really look at them and say sure he’s 17, sure he looks full of youth??? Bc I didn’t. And again the teenagers in this are almost as gross as the Halloween ones- actually grosser maybe. And what they do to Christine?? Annnyway, I really don’t understand his mom’s whole conniption over the car??? And it seemed excessive?? And then Arnie “changes”- can we talk insane??? Love how we get no insight into how he linked up with the girl his friend had asked out- he just shows up at the football game with her. And it’s actually nuts bc his friend gets so distracted he almost, AlllllMoST becomes paralyzed. I think it’s interesting that Christine didn’t do anything but maker Arnie “cooler” I guess until people kept saying that they hate her. Like would everything have been good?? Bc I know she did the same mind control/ killing thing with the guy who owned it before?? But this time it seemed only when there was a threat to Arnie keeping and owning the car. I don’t know cray it’s cray either way. Also???? Just remembered bc the car like bit?? The guy on the assembly line- then killed the other guy that worked there too. So nevermind im wrong I know nothing. And then the murders! And Harry Dean Stanton as the cop?? Who does nothing? And all the other kids that bullied Arnie get murdered too.

I really was wishing that the car was doing all of it alone without taking over Arnie- but alas that’s not what happened and Arnie dies too :( —— I hate how they try fighting the car - and it takes forever- and they’re like Christine will come- ok and your shocked when you kill your best friend??? Why not steal it and crush it with something when he’s asleep, or drive it off a bridge. But nnnoooo. And in the cringy words of the girl - she said it best- and the weirdest/ “we didn’t do so hot” ——- he’s dead!!!! You didn’t do so hot!!!! What!!!! It was his best friend???? And you knew him for what like a month and half that time he was scary/ borderline aggressive and verbally abusive?bc his car took over his mind and soul. Oookkkkk.

Rating: 4.5/10 Cats 🐈

[minijenn]

Fuck it letssss goooo

Ok so the plot of the UF movie does follow the SU movie… sort of. Lemme explain.

Things actually kick off back during UF2, probs right before or during Diamond Days. One certain Triangle Fucker is quickly starting to realize he may not win this time around, but if he’s going down he’s sure as hell taking the Crystal Gems and the Pines family down with him. So we Bill goes to pay one certain Spinel standing alone in the garden a little visit, as a… contingency plan to let someone pick up where he left off.

He basically spoils the fact that Pink is gone, leaving out a lot of the major details, and while Spinel refuses to believe him (still thinking Pink will come back for her eventually), Bill still points her in the direction of both the rejuvenator and the injector. He also leaves her with the schematics to build a memory gun and you can already probably guess where this is about to go.

Flash forward to the start of UFF, which kicks off with the movie. Everything is finally good and peaceful in Gravity Falls, the Diamonds have chilled the fuck out and Bill is McFcuking Dead. And then that goddamn sad clown comes in to cause Problems, just like in the movie

And like in the movie, the Gems get taken out by the rejuvenator and Steven gets hit too. Still, Steven has all four of the Pines by his side to stand against Spinel and oh wait nope Nevermind because Spinel whips her newly made memory gun out and shoots all four of the Pines with it (before you ask about Ford, idk it’s a special memory gun made with gem tech that can go through metal so it bypasses the plate in his head shut up shut uuuup)

So yeah Steven is Panicking bc not only do the Gems have no clue who he fucking is but he also has to deal with the Pines’ memory loss (this memory gun doesn’t produce tubes so there’s a worry that their memories are just gone forever)

Bill probably intended for the gun to just wipe the Pines’ minds completely clean but it malfunctioned. So instead, it wipes their memories of the past three years (so it resets them all back to right before UF1 essentially).

So running through what they lost: Dipper and Mabel wake up and 1. Are shocked that they’re suddenly Teenagers and are not 12 like they remember being and 2. Don’t know who Steven, the Gems, Ford, or any of their other friends are (3. Bonus, Dipper has no idea where his bizarre metal arm came from and it aptly freaks him the fuck out)

Ford is shocked bc to his recollection he should still be wandering dimensions but suddenly he’s home and Stan is just as shocked bc damn guess the portal worked and damn guess what that means it means these two are at each others throats again

Stan (ironically) has the most recollection out of the fam, he’s the only one who knows who Steven is and while he doesn’t remember the specific span of events over the past three years he’s probs in the best position to help his family out (alongside Aaron, sad soppy wet pathetic man that he is, and Stonemason, who def isn’t crashing out because Dipper and Mabel have no clue who he is)

That’s probs all I’ll reveal for now even tho I do know the general order of how the Pines get their memories back, how it reflects on their growth throughout UF and UF2, and how Steven is the driving force between them all (esp Mabel, who he helps remember via fusion and Dipper, who he helps remember via a love song bc I have an Agenda)

Even so it is going to be quite a bit of fun and will give the entire Pines family something to do in the movie, which is more than I can say for my original plans (or lack thereof there were no fucking plans)

Anyone wanna hear me ramble about my UF movie ideas?

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I have been watching the new event on YouTube so I haven't seen everything that's out yet, but the fact that the nrc boys, who wanted to just leave, didn't take the opportunity to make the mc do most of the work for them this time (considering the only threat, that I know of, would be Rollo being that the flowers cannot harm them) I know mc is just kind of there for the story. I honestly don't really see why they are even involved most of the time if they aren't going to do anything, but I feel like this would have been one of the few times that a magic less person taking the lead would make the most sense. idk I feel like it's a bit of a missed opportunity to give the player a chance to actually be involved but I also haven't seen anything after they decide who's going to go to the tower so maybe they do play a bigger part lol

Well first (just a correction), it’s mainly Idia and Ruggie that don’t want to do much to help and want to run away instead. The others are pretty motivated to stay behind and get back at Rollo for what he’s doing and/or to stop the flowers from spreading further. Idia and Ruggie do eventually change their minds and agree to help; everyone realizes that Rollo’s plot has deep ramifications for the world at large.

I understand the frustration of Yuu going along with everyone to various locations but then not actually doing anything to be of use, but this has been the case for the majority of events. Yuu (and Grim, to some extent) are mostly present so that the other characters can explain lore to them and/or for fanservice moments where they get to interact with some of their characters in cute or more laidback scenarios. They’re not really meant to play a big role or to be the one that the story focuses on, they are mainly the lenses through which we view the world and the conflicts of Twisted Wonderland. (I would actually argue that this is also the case for some of the main story as well, since it often centers around the OB boy and their trauma rather than on Yuu and their struggle to get home.)

In the context of Glorious Masquerade, it makes more sense for Yuu to be more involved, as they, a magicless human, would have the advantage against the crimson flowers (which suck up magic and attack those who have it). However, I don’t think this lack of magic would necessarily make Yuu any more useful to the NRC boys’ mission to stop Rollo 😅 Like, sure, the flowers may not be interested in Yuu, but that doesn’t mean Yuu can do anything to stop them on their own. It’s not like sticking Yuu in the front of the group would repel the flowers or drive them off; the flowers advance regardless of whether someone has magic or not, it’s just that they don’t outright attack those without magic. The only feasible way to make the flowers move one direction or another is by using magic to lure them (as we see the NRC boys do in part 4). What would Yuu realistically be able to do to help in this scenario?

The goal is for the NRC kids to reach the Bell of Salvation and to ring it, thus flooding the crimson flowers with magic and causing their roots to combust from being overloaded. That involves climbing the tower there and beating Rollo, who is likely guarding the bell. I guess Yuu might be able to make the climb safely since the crimson flowers would leave them alone, but how are they going to get past Rollo, who is extremely proficient in magic and could easily defend himself from them? Yuu doesn’t really have any combat abilities to speak of—and if any NRC boys tag along with Yuu to protect them, that would take away the whole point of sending Yuu in the first place (since the flowers would attack the NRC boys, as they have magic). In fact, that might just overcomplicate things, as the characters may expend their limited magic to defend Yuu, and it might call more attention to the group and attract the flowers. It seems like Yuu would be just as much of a liability as they would be a helping hand 💦 so I see it as less of a missed opportunity and more of a decision made for practicality.

What happens in canon is that the NRC boys take to scaling the tower while Yuu and Grim stay behind with Trein to help the magic users of the City of Flowers. I realize this may not be the most exciting thing in the world to do (especially since the story largely cuts away from Yuu), but this is just as noble of a thing to do in this situation. If Yuu had gone with the NRC boys, it would have been adding an extra body to account for in the inevitable battle with Rollo, and the locals would continue to suffer without any hope for relief. The work that Yuu, Grim, and Trein are doing is still important, even if we don’t get to see it. They’re just playing a different part than the NRC boys are, and that’s valid.

[paper-cuts-and-fresh-bruises]

So if you’re someone like me whose a glutton for punishment, even though 3x13 definitely brought the pain with it, the whole curse thing isn’t a problem for us (obviously contingent on being resolved at some point in season 4 but anyways). But I kinda felt like making this post for those who have either not warmed up to it yet or I feel need some convincing that the finale was actually amazing, so I’m gonna address several things including those that seemed to hit a particular nerve. Oh and by the way I want to make it clear that in saying what I say I’m not trying to make it seem that you have to blindly follow a show and never have problems with it, that’s still valid, but I do however in this case feel there’s been some unfair judgement, so you can agree or disagree as much as you like but this is my side of things. (also, obligatory long post warning)

Right out the gate, we have the whole section of the episode where Nancy thought she’d killed Temperance but was actually just in a sort of snapshot of reality that Temperance planted, giving Nancy a look into what her future might be in actually killing her. To those who feel we were faked out again, and in this instance believe that the show has betrayed them, here’s how I’m gonna explain to you how they actually didn’t. In previous dreamscape type instances, yes they avoided the whole actual kissing on the lips and all else, BUT that was out of it being completely fictitious, but here? here it was as Temperance expressed whilst bragging about her fortune telling ability, to be completely realistic, with her admitting that the only part that wasn’t supposed to happen was Ace’s death (which thankfully wasn’t real there, as much as giving Temperance credit isn’t at the top of my to do list) and this is all deliberate. The writers wouldn’t put something like that in there, without serious consideration, because even though Noga Landau admitted it wasn’t necessarily the plan the entire time for this, she did say it fit the bill for their idea of heroism and sacrifice. The whole point is that we feel the same level of pain as Nancy as that metaphorical rug is pulled from under us. Seeing Nancy in place of pure joy with someone she wholehearted loves in equal measure as they do back, as Ace does back, experiencing her bliss and then her pain, which they did quite impressively well.

The other major thing I want to address is obviously the whole curse situation. Let me say that obviously it hurts my heart as much as anyone else, but on all accounts we should’ve known even more so than we might’ve been prepared for that they’d be leaving deep claw marks after this one, in my experience in the third season of any show is where they really go for it, other shows haven’t done as well, but for me personally Nancy Drew has done it better than I’ve seen it done in a long time. I mean you’ve got to hand it to them that they know where the source is when creating drama, and what’s the point of having a show if there isn’t something to create angst or any other plot propelling content. Plus, I mean they gave us canon information that Nace feel the same strong feelings for one another, and I know soulmates is a term already in circulation but you know what they’re more than that, I don’t know what would be the accurate term for that but they’re beyond soulmates. The curse is necessary (if albeit annoyingly so) in driving the slowburn these two are for us to see just how strong that connection is, plus who doesn’t love a good curse breaking arc to further drive things home. I mean imagine the angst, but also the longing looks, plus considering what the last few minutes on 3x13 showed us with the missing bodies from that cemetery, guess who might need to visit the morgue? I mean Ace did say he would just let her in. Plus with what Landau and Hsu Taylor said about Ace being immediately suspicious of Nancy’s behaviour, thinking for sure that she’s in trouble. The POTENTIAL, I’m telling you. Also you never know, maybe something else will put Nancy in danger and Ace will have to do some saving huh? (possibly making it so Nancy has to take the chance and tell Ace about the curse) that’s great material to work with.

A side thing I want to address is Nancy’s harsh words before leaving his apartment, for those who didn’t catch on, Nancy was deliberately trying to sting Ace to keep him safe and drive him away, even when he showed clear signs of not believing her, pushing for the truth about if she’s in trouble (because Ace knows her so well that she wouldn’t be so cruel as that without there being some threat where she’s trying to get others out of harms way), which is something Ace hasn’t done commonly and wouldn’t do if it weren’t vehemently concerning and something that couldn’t wait (which by the way in the instance of getting a season 4 it’s already said discussions are going to be on how he’s going to be hot on the heels of finding out who or more so what is threatening her or otherwise causing her to act that way). Especially when as we know, why would they almost kiss and then all of a sudden such hostility?. Side note I feel like that whole scene in the apartment in the real-real timeline is so underrated, I mean we have tension, angst, Nancy saying she doesn’t think Ace ever lacked anything after him saying so (his face told you just how much that meant after all he’s been through!), then saying she missed Ace, Ace addressing the fact that after a whole month of avoidance he hopes the reason is that Nancy reciprocates his feelings but is scared to say so (if only he knew why poor boy), the almost kiss! and everything after that which sets up so much. (also, I know the whole multiple soulmates conversation with Carson brings some concern, but for now it was just a conversation between Nancy and her dad where he was trying to comfort her but also bolster her with the strength to not let her fate be steered by somebody else, I don’t think the showrunner/writers are solidly looking to pair Nancy with anyone else right now)

Quick in between point I want to make, I know this has been discussed over and over, but remember that as far as the curse goes, we might want Nancy to just tell Ace about it, but as the showrunners have stated, and really it’s pretty straightforward to understand without them saying so, that Nancy DOES NOT KNOW how the curse functions in and out, she got enough of a clue from the barometer when it broke as a warning when Nancy forgot about it for a second, so as frustrating as you might find that and as much of a risk as you might be willing to take, Nancy understandably isn't even with the price it holds over her.

One other thing I want to talk about here is going back to those last few minutes of 3x13. With the hopes of a season 4 (also hopefully back to our Wednesday slot and 18 episodes), the showrunners said that that part was set up with the promise of not only sort going back to their roots of season 1/ season 2 stuff, but also we’ll have a bit of a pallet cleanser amongst other aspects they’re looking to explore, so even with what is set up in the Nace angst department, they’re not looking to torture us forever and they haven’t forgotten the new mystery aspect we love, but again good television such as Nancy Drew is has to draw you in. They did really well with a shorter episode order which was out of their control, and I at least think that if this doesn’t end up being your favourite season, that it’s at least in no way something that could be even considered a weak piece of television, I certainly don’t. 

Anyways, that’s me dumping a bit of brain rot on you, I might make more posts, but if I don’t I’ll be keeping an eye on anything anyone else posts, because there’s a wonderful amount of lovely people on here making content, plus twitter of course (these sites have their good spots). Until further notice let’s still spread the message of #renewnancydrew and annoy the hell out of the CW to get more seasons out of them (I’m very optimistic right now and will continue as such), I’ve heard that any announcement of another season may be likely to be announced in the next month or two, so lets keep it up till then.

Here’s the season 3 finale interview below if you haven’t seen it yet, it’s got some good content to keep you going till the CW gets their act together.

https://ew.com/tv/nancy-drew-season-3-finale-spoilers/

[burinazar]

Not sure what to do with this post I saw from someone saying the MCs of MiA could easily be replaced with adults and ‘not much would change.’ They’re speaking from a place of frustration with some of the uncomfortable content, an impulse I won’t argue with, but it's, like...untrue that "not much would change", the major themes of the story would fundamentally be altered. I dunno, or I think so at least. Now I’m wondering if other people don’t see the story as having big, narratively-embedded things to say about coming of age and the value of childhood, and simply regard it as ‘the kids are young Because They Are/for shock value’. 

Like i truly feel you could more easily age up the MCs in any given popular shounen, just pick one, any you please, and still have way less of an effect on the themes and plot than you could with MiA (which if anyone cares I am not implying is a shounen, it super isn’t. I’m using those as a point of comparison because featuring kiddos is common to them), which is almost uniquely invested in making meaningful statements about childhood, aging, vulnerability, et cetera. As in -- sure, Naruto is a coming of age story, but beyond the fact of being one, the story isn’t specifically centered on thematic statements about youth and age. 

MiA is also a bildungsroman of sorts (I mean I guess we have to wait and see how accurate this is), but on top of that it’s rife with themes centered specifically on what it means to be young, what it means for the young to suffer, what sets adults apart -- much of the ‘irreversable journey’/’children have unique powers and value’ themes intended as (to me) a clear symbol for the passage of time and the loss of youth/childhood, and much of the violence and horror is specifically positioned as a contrast to the innocence, vulnerability, and optimism of childhood, the latter of which is thematically presented as a powerful counterweight to bleakness and despair. The children aren’t, like, just there so there can be Uncomfortable Moments with them or something. They’re there because this is a story about the value of innocence and the resilience of childlike optimism in a setting that, as a recurring worldbuilding detail, regards young lives as disposable and will cast them away for money or power.

In a version of this story which was reconfigured to center adults (...rather than, say, sometimes throwing in very interesting and attractive adults for a single arc, driving an Ebil to despair) all of these themes would be altered, absent, transfigured -- basically, it would be an incredibly different story. Like, the kids being kids is very much tied to what the thing is about. Kinda like if you took Old Man and the Sea and replaced him with a youthful upstart fisherman, it would not be the same thing. Like, truly the adults in this universe are very cool, to Me in particular, but the MCs being children was never merely an aesthetic choice or something but a thematic one. A retelling that centered adults would necessarily have entirely different things to say.

[olderthannetfic]

Ah, I do see your points, anon. I'm not going to post all your asks publicly because if you really feel that unsafe, it's probably best not to have a bigass chunk of your text for people to analyze and try to guess your identity from. I think one of the best points you made is about how close to home it hits when the non-fave is not only your fave but is similar to you in some way like demographic. You're not wrong for having those emotions. I do wonder if they make it hard to see how some other people feel similarly embattled on other axes.

TBH, I think one of the big problems here is that the large aggregate patterns you're talking about are racist, but most individual fics and fans are not really the problem. It's hard to know how to talk about this or who to tell to "fix" it when we're looking at free, hobbyist art.

A lot of people's tastes are certainly formed by shitty society, but once they're formed, they don't change fast if at all. Asking someone to rewrite their libido is a big ask, yet tumblr does it all the time as though it's as simple as snapping your fingers.

This leaves me with the sense that a lot of tumblr is... like... the political lesbians of porn fic or something: desire is not real, only choosing based on logic and politics. Or maybe people are so asexual that they just don't understand the lizard brain's "YES!" at some porn things and complete indifference to others?

I don't think it's great if great swaths of people feel like bottom!Nicky is super hot and top!Nicky fundamentally isn't, but I also don't think they can necessarily just turn it off like flipping a switch.

(If someone reading this doesn't like their current tastes and wants to attempt to alter them, I do think it's possible. What you should do is line up a large slate of media that prominently features characters of the ethnicity or whatever that you don't find hot/interesting. These should be leads whose emotional development drives the plot and is supposed to be central to the audience's enjoyment of the media. Watch/read/etc. this media all the time. All. The. Time. Try out many pieces because you won't like every character or every show, and we're looking for genuine enjoyment, not the fandom equivalent of a pity fuck. Spend enough time on this, and your unconscious sense of who's hot and interesting will eventually shift somewhat. This is a project you should expect to take a few years.)

But I digress.

The one tweet thing is a very toxic pattern. If TOG fandom is doing that, guys, please try to be more conscious of holding the actors of color to a higher standard (or the women or whomever). I know this often comes from a place of paying more attention to our own and wanting to set a good standard, but the effect is that minorities can't fuck up ever while white dudes get infinite passes.

Okay, on to the fic thing... Gotta say, my instant reaction to that description is "Ooh!"--as it would be for the same scenario with the characters reversed. (Ships who start out trying to kill each other are my favorite! x1000 if they're resurrecting style immortals and they literally do.) I can see how it would feel like slamming into a brick wall if you aren't kinky in just the right way and you didn't know it was coming though.

Part of why I react so strongly to a lot of discourse that runs along these lines is that I am a naturally extremely kinky person. It's not so much about what I do (which as a deeply lazy person in a long distance relationship is essentially nothing), but it's absolutely how I'm wired.

And I can tell you that my quotidian experience in fandom is sharing something I don't even realize is a big deal only to have someone I like, respect, and trust react in horror and tell me that it's triggering and awful and should not be allowed in fandom spaces because it makes "people" unsafe. It's such an instant, kneejerk reaction they don't even realize I was sharing it because it spoke to the very core of me. Lesson learned, friend. Lesson learned.

That sounds a bit off topic, I know, but bear with me: The point of that anecdote is that it's pretty common for me to get people trying to raise my awareness of things I have already thought deeply about while denying my essential humanity and not even realizing. As a kinky person who likes to make my fave the top (and generally a conflicted sadist), this constant request to explain and justify is exhausting.

I doubt most of the top!Joe fans have this precise problem simply because people who make their fave the top are much less common in fandom than people who make their fave the bottom, but I see a similar pattern with fans who are just fundamentally wired for rape fantasies (one of the most common fantasies that exists) vs. fans who just don't get rape fantasies at all. Or substitute your BDSM/kinky/messed up fantasy trope of choice. Covertly radical feminist attitudes towards kink and power are on the rise in fandom, and as a naturally kinky person, boy do I notice it!

I know that it feels like crucial activism to share these insights about why the ratio of top!Joe is hurtful, and the pain you feel is real. But it's also the case that it's a big ask to want people to listen. (Not me. Obviously, I routinely choose to engage with discourse. I mean overall.) The reason for that is that you're only seeing a fraction of what they do or who they are, and you don't know how many previous people they've listened to how many previous times. It's a very different situation from someone whose job is making some major TV series or movie or something. That person does, in my opinion, owe you some amount of listening.

Now, I'm not saying no top Joe fan was ever a jerk. I'll bet they were. There's a tendency to be rude and to publicly air your schadenfreude when you feel like everyone has been yelling at you. What I am saying is that a lot of the problem here boils down to conflicting needs, and that means there isn't a good solution. It's a situation where people are genuinely hurt, but I don't necessarily agree that other people have harmed them.

I like that you did an actual count of the explicit fics, btw. It's good to look at the real numbers. I see too little of that in these situations. My off the cuff reaction is that 2/3 to 1/3 is not a bad ratio at all compared to many fandoms, but yeah, it definitely shows a strong trend, and that can be painful. (I have a fandom where I think there's maybe like 1 bottom so-and-so fic in the entire zine era fandom. One. It's pretty extreme.)

I guess my thinking here overall is: What is the practical solution? What are we hoping to gain? What is reasonable to ask of people?

And it can't be "Well, if they would just listen..." That's just a sneaky way of saying "If you haven't done it my way, it's because you haven't listened to me yet."

So the question I would ask of people is this:

What does a non-racist fic where Joe tops look like?

What does a non-racist sex pollen, dubcon, or even noncon fic where Joe tops look like?

And if you say the latter is impossible... well... sadists exist everywhere in the world. So do doms. So do people who prefer to top in a purely physical sense. People with rape fantasies where they're the rapist exist (people who are not actually rapists, I mean). None of this is restricted to any one group. We can't categorically say fic like that about Joe is coming from a place of racism without denying the fundamental humanity of kinky MENA people who'd want to make Joe like themselves or like their ideal partner. (Yes, I agree this won't be the majority of fic writers writing top!Joe, but this is a place to start for figuring out what the better version would look like.)

IDK, maybe you're that kinkster yourself, but your asks gave me the vibe that you don't really get the drive towards those darker kinds of fics and what might be motivating it besides stereotypes and shittiness.

If we can answer these kinds of questions, we can better critique the way people write what they write without telling them all of their taste is bad and they should just stop writing. Even if we think the latter is true, it isn't going to get us anywhere. Figuring out how to make Joe more multidimensional in the fic they already want to write or finding very specific wording that should be avoided might actually work.

Beyond that, the actions I think are productive would be running prompt fests, exchanges, or other events for bottom!Joe or for top!Joe where he's the main character and the fics are required to be from his POV. Themed collections and recs lists are great. (I've seen a bit of this going around in TOG fandom in the past, and that's an excellent approach! Keep it up!) Positive actions tend to work better here. Make more of what you want. Promote what you want to see.

I don't mean this in some fluffy magical thinking way: you aren't going to change that ratio radically just by the power of positivity. But I've seen this kind of thing play out in many, many fandoms, and going after the people who write what you don't like, even in a well-intentioned effort to educate and even in a polite, kind way doesn't do much. A few people feel guilty. A few feel defensive. A lot ignore you. The overall fic doesn't change. It's not a good use of your limited time and energy.

I'm off to look up that fic to see what I think of it in practice, but I'm going to post this before tumblr manages to eat it.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 107- 108

se03, ep 6 is weakest ep in se03 despite it being tohru’s long waited focus & having the biggest plot keys & character impactful moments & one of the best pining hug scenes in anime history “ thro the laundry sheets at sunset”. Reading the chapter that starts this ep in the manga made me feel so happy & so angry.. I lament all the subtle yet effective changes & the powerful character-influenced changes that the anime ditched for cheap drama or unexplained wide shot.

-The Art of Subtlety: Power Resides in Words:

In se03, ep 6 when tohru tells kyo that Isuzu will be staying at Kazuma’s, kyo responds that” then Master won’t feel lonely”. Meaning after his imprisonment. Huge gut wrenching moment since kyo doesnt know that tohru knows abt his imprisonment.

The anime chooses to displayed it in their mandatory style of “ kyoru-moment inside shigure house : which is widen the shot so much to include yuki & shigure & flatten the emotional impact to include other characters reaction that has nothing to do with the moment itself... They never consider zooming into the kyo-tohru reactions to their words, then widen the moment o include yuki, shigure, the tv, the woods, kyoko’s grave or the moon if they want to.. Complete lack of understanding of the emotional impact. This isn’t abt romantic lovey dovey moment. This is abt character development. The biggest loser i this design is : Tohru’s emotions. God, I hate how bland she is in the anime in regards to situations that affect HER.

Also, the anime chooses to squeeze in another moment here, which is kyo’s reaction to tohru’s grave visit & still lacks in showing the emotional depth even here & opted for what? yup! you guessed it. Widen the shot to include yuki & shigure. At this point I wonder why kyo & tohru didnt adopt yuki & shigure & took them with them in their house by the end of the story. To complete the tradition of these two poor guys witnessing everything..-_-’. Jokes aside, This doesn't just affect kyo-tohru. But also reflects badly at shigure & yuki. They become an unwanted third-wheels without proper plot or character driven reason. In good story-telling “ forced-third wheeling has a purpose!!”, such as to transfusion to the 3rd character moment or to be later used for the 3rd character driving emotional moment. not just a reminder that characters X & Y live here & therefore see this & that.. This is an example of missing the impactful design of the moment. I dont even understand how can someone miss such basic story-telling devices... 

Lets look at only 3 panels from the manga:

See how in the above panels in the focus is on tohru’s emotions. This is Tohru’s focus why not show her emotions instead of her stupid wide eyed, new eye lashes face & zooming out on tohru to include yuki for no reason!!!!! The anime is capable of focusing on characters pain, we saw that wioth yuki dozens of times. The anime is capable of focusing on showing facial emotions, we saw this with kyo in all his focused eps! Why can’t they give tohru half of that.. Just look, she looks like spacing out thinking of what to cook~ lala~ gotta feed the boys.!! zoom out on her & her purpose on the story~~~~~

-The power of words is unbelievable~~

Kyo’s little sentence of being happy Isuzu will stay with kazuma, destroyed tohru. Look how the manga makes tohru continues to think abt it. You might wonder why will the author do this? The author is building towards tohru realizing her romantic love & uncovering her traumatic attachment to her mom. Reminds you of sth? the 6 or 7 eps that se02 dedicated to yuki where every sentence established his journey towards facing his emotions. In se02, yuki thought abt the words of many characters until he reached his conclusion. The anime refused to give tohru ONE sentence.

-Powerful Character-Influenced Moments:

The manga made rohru leave screaming abt wanting the curse to break before spring. Why? because (a) tohru must be giving time to think abt HERSELF, not the cat or the curse, so tohru wander around thinking abt her mom, we saw that in the anime.  the the moment of shigure tells tohru abt the zodiacs ugly spirit & delight at seeing the cat suffers happens right before kyo finds crying tohru. Why? because (a) it was established that kyo will visit kazuma, so no weird out of no where lover finds lover in the streets for loving support moment, (b) to make kyo’s emotional support to tohru reasonable. In the anime, he saw her crying & comforted her assuming she cried cuz of the grave visit or sth, it was never hinted at anything, cuz kyo never gets any inner thoughts until it is his dramatic moments, but here he comforts her cuz he thinks she’s upset abt Isuzu, why oh why you write this thing out??????????????????????????????????

Not enough eps? but you gave motoko half an ep?!!! Why write off your main protagonist? I dont get it??? why intentional make tohru one-denominational character. Either yuki’s momma or a girl in love.... Is that what women are for the anime? a caring loving mothers & good lovers?

-Shigure’s words are to tohru are so watered down in the anime. Here he connects everything to the major plot of “ zodiacs turing into cute animals ” premise of the story, this is not sth cute as the early story made it out yo be. I love this!!!! why the anime cut it! Tohru screams when shigure brings an unavoidable question. Ask yuki & the the others whom tohru loves & believes they’re the kindest. Ask them of they KNOW kyo will be locked & are relieved! so cruel & shocking thing to thin abnt that shatters tohru’s world! shigure knows tohri will NEVER ask! so true to his character! epic moment! My best shigure-tohri moment! both of them NOT hiding anything & both in theit lowest moment!!  INGENUOUS WRITING!!! so plot-worthy!!! WHY CUT IT!!!

Kyo finds tohru cuz he saw her sad! bringing the realistic aspect of story-telling & ditching the dunb superficial coincidence.

Look at how tohru uncovers her trauma little by little:

parallel between loosing her mom & loosing kyo. By showing this, the readers/ viwer will begin to be prepared to question tohru’s “ I cant love mom more than kyo”. The following chapters will for sure dive into this deeper, writing tohru as more understandably, more flawed., more real. Nothing like a the fixer for grown men, nothing like an angelic mom, nothing like the princess saved by the prince’s love. Basically, nothing like her shallow anime self.

Side Notes:

I was right abt the anime wanting to close Isuzu & Haru’s arc in ep 5, cuz in this chapter we have a lil scene that is the follow up with their plotline. Haru wanting to thank Kureno & asing Isuzu to never risk herself. It’s the little things that add depth to characters.. but I get it Haru in se03 can no longer support yuki cuz yuki have Kakeru, so his plotline is reduced to isuzu’s lover & that was closed in ep 5. Isuzu still had few things to add to the plot in ep 6 which is be tohru’s unfiltered deep talk partner. 

The sad reality of the anime focusing on wide shots lost us yet another good emotional impact besides kyo-tohru moments. This time, we lost kazuma’s reaction to isuzu being held in cat’s room & haru/yuki’s reaction to kazuma’s sadness.. The anime gives us wide shot to include all the room. so,Screw haru & yuki’s reaction???.. they dont care abt the cat? is that it? nope, cuz this reasoning requires emotional depth of hate & disgust. The anime just loves wide shots “ so artistic~” but the real reason, the anime is flying in bullet speed in this ep to include as much as it can to save place for the “ new added moment of kyoru’s united shock” & still include the intro & outro... yep, ep6 is the weakest ep in design...

More on ep 6 in the following chapters, I guess. I’ll stop here this time. I’m so mad.. I’ll calm down & read the flowing two chapters later to articylate proper thoughts.

 I hate hate how tohru was done so dirty! I’m loving everything abt her so far in the manga, but when I remember her in the anime! ugh! I still love kyo & yuki’s anime stories. But tohru, nope. I stopped loving her in se02 once the beach arc is over & she became a full mother to yuki & nothing more. I adore her character & she’s so endearing, but My God, she’s so bland in the anime, just the lightest version of her manga self... so light, it’s a shame she’s a protagonist...

I really wonder how manga readers feel abt the lack of tohru’s focus & lost emotional depth? is tohru even popular in the manga days? I know kyo is popular & i know lots adore yuli’s growth. but what abt tohru? I’m curious how manga readers felt watching her butchered arc in se03?

[dotthings]

Let’s talk about why Dean dancing with a lamp is subtext, but it’s subtext that supports textual arcs. Dean dancing with a lamp is not random. Meta on why Dean dancing with a lamp is part of the build of a textual arc for Dean, thematically, which also connects to his relationship with Cas. This symbolic moment being tacitly about Destiel will only feel like reaching if you ignore context, ignore canon, ignore long arcing, ignore textual material surrounding it. This isn’t just me talking about a ship, this is an important arc for Dean himself emotionally and the way canon’s working, Cas has become the star player in this specific emotional Dean arc about yearning. 

Here are some canon quotes. I could just leave these here and not write another word of meta because the canon wrote it for me. But I’ve added some further commentary to spell out clearly what I’m getting at.

Dean in 8.14 “Trial and Error” by Andrew Dabb:

“You see a light at the end of this ugly-ass tunnel. I don't. But I tell you what I do know – it's that I'm gonna die with a gun in my hand. 'Cause that's what I have waiting for me – that's all I have waiting for me. I want you to get out. I want you to have a life – become a man of Letters, whatever. You, with a wife and kids and – and – and grandkids, living till you're fat and bald and chugging Viagra – that is my perfect ending, and it's the only one that I'm gonna get.”

Dean in 10.16 “Paint it Black” by Eugenie Ross-Lemming and Brad Buckner:

“You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it....Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.”

Sam and Dean in 11.04 “Baby” by Robbie Thompson:

SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Sam and Dean in 13.23 “Let the Good Times Roll” by Andrew Dabb:

DEAN: But on a beach somewhere, you know? Can you imagine? You, me, Cas, toes in the sand, couple of them little umbrella drinks. Matching Hawaiian shirts, obviously. Some hula girls. SAM: You talking about retiring? You? DEAN: If I knew the world was safe? Hell, yeah. And you know why? 'Cause we freaking earned it, man.

Sam and Dean in 15.08 “Our Father, Who Aren’t in Heaven” by Eugenie Ross-Lemming and Brad Buckner:

DEAN: Look, man, I didn't want to say anything, okay, 'cause I was kind of in in a bad place, and, uh, yeah, I didn't want to jinx it or whatever, but, you know, I tried the family thing, right? SAM: Yeah, me too. And that's not for us. DEAN: No, not really. But I'm just saying if it was to work, Eileen, you know, she gets it. She gets us. She gets the life. She's hot. SAM: Dean. I mean, I'm not even- DEAN: Look, all I'm saying is you- you could do worse, okay? And she could certainly do better. Like, so much better. I'm happy for you, Sammy.

Dean and Garth in 15.10 “The  Heroes’ Journey” written by Andrew Dabb:

DEAN: You know, I gotta say, aside from pincushion in there… this is pretty nice. GARTH: Yeah, better than I ever thought I'd get. I mean, hunting -- I figured I'd be dead before I'm 40. You know, go out young and pretty. But now I've got a great wife, great kids. I guess...sometimes things work out.

Dean in 15.10 “The Heroes’ Journey” by Andrew Dabb:

Dean, wistful, watching through the window as Garth and Bess dance: You know, I always thought I could be a good dancer if I wanted to be.

Ok, let those roll around in your brain for moment. 

Now: CONTEXT. CONTEXT. CONTEXT.

There’s this long running arc about maybe Sam and Dean could each find a significant other, not white picket fence, but...something, with someone already in the life, who gets their life. There’s Dean’s move from despairing and believing the only ending he could have, the only ending any hunter could have, is dying with a gun in hand, to Dean’s enthusiasm for the concept of retirement, Dean’s wistfulness about finding a significant other, for what he thinks he can’t have, and he starts the cycle all over again, if he can’t have it, then he wants Sam to have it, so Dean encourages Sam with Eileen. Saileen, the Dean-blessed, Dean-approved Sam ship. Dean ships it. And that is how the canon is trending, complete with Sam and Eileen kissing goodbye and saying “this is real” and even God himself saying their feelings were real, “that was all you,” even if God manipulated events around them. Which is an overt mirror to Dean and Cas and Dean’s expressly stated doubts about what’s real and what isn’t, and Cas telling Dean “we are.” 

Much the way Sam has been witness to Destiel, and has often pointed out Dean’s Cas feelings. Dean’s got a front row seat to Saileen and approves; Sam’s had a front row seat to Destiel and approves. 

Let’s throw in Robert Berens’ work in The Trap here, since that’s relevant to this specific topic as well, because why did Sam and Dean in the potential future timeline where they’d killed Chuck give up and cave in to their vampire instincts? The world being overwhelmed with monsters...and losing Eileen and losing Cas. It’s right there in the dialogue. I’ll give you the quote and everything:

Sam and Dean in 15.09 “The Trap” by Robert Berens:

SAM: You want to quit? What's happened to you, Dean? Ever since -- DEAN: Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we've ever cared about? Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in a Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah. You know why? 'Cause the monsters -- they're everywhere. Everywhere! What we do -- it's not even Hunting anymore. It's whack-a-mole. We don't even save people. Every friend we've ever had is either dead, or they got wise and they packed it in. SAM: Jody's still fighting, and Bobby -- DEAN: Bobby has a death wish, and you know it. And Jody -- ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does, too. And after Eileen... so do you.

“Ever since” Dean had to bury Cas in a Ma’lak box. “After Eileen...so do you.” 

So there’s this canonical long, long thread across multiple authors (and those weren’t even all the quotes, I’m sure people could dig up more) about Dean in particular yearning towards finding a significant other, some contentment, with someone who already is in the hunting life, who gets it, who understands.  

An episode that flat out shows how losing their significant others is the final straw that rips out Sam and Dean’s last will to fight, and they lose themselves, and after they’re turned into vampires, they just...give into the darkness. Where Sam gives up their shot at destroying the big bad because losing everyone they love is too high a cost. Where losing Cas makes Dean lose hope, where losing Eileen sends Sam into a death wish mindset. Sam and Dean don’t just need each other. That’s not canon, it never has been.

And then right after that, along comes meta episode The Heroes’ Journey. Sorry if you don’t like The Heroes’ Journey, but it’s what the canon did, it’s textual, along with everything else I’ve pointed out here, and in among the crackish humor are some real emotional narrative points. 

In The Heroes’ Journey, Dean gets to see Garth’s life. Garth found his significant other, Bess, and she’s another werewolf. Now, Garth’s life resembles the traditional white picket fence idea a lot more than what Team Free Will are headed for. Garth has a big house with a porch, and he’s a dentist. He’s also a werewolf and his wife is a werewolf and his kids are werewolves because Bess is a pureblood werewolf, Garth didn’t exactly leave the life, and he helps Sam and Dean on a case. But nothing’s been indicating to me that anyone in Team Free Will is headed for that kind of settling down, with a house, becoming a dentist. However, the canon has been practically shouting now, as we near final episodes of SPN, to make the point about a desirable outcome--some kind of stability, contentment, and a significant other. Dean gets a front row seat to seeing a hunter can have that. Garth’s a hunter who turned into a werewolf and he can have that. 

When EP’s talk about how they aren’t headed for a white picket fence or driving off into the sunset or settling down, none of that rules out them finding...something...with someone, and some form of stability and contentment.  Nope, I can’t really imagine them in the suburbs becoming dentists. But canon sure is putting up big neon arrows to...something. Think outside the box. This isn’t about the white picket fence. 

And in The Heroes’ Journey, Dean, conked out on the good gas so Garth can fix his teeth, has a trippy dream where he dances with a lamp.

Rewatch the ep. Look at how the dance is choreographed not just the use of light, because that’s a clue too. The whole dance could have been Dean and Garth being dancing bros, but Garth fades off the stage, and Dean dances alone...until he grabs the standing lamp. In a season where Dean and Cas’s relationship is an A-plot, define it how you like, it’s A-plot. Their breakup and their reconciliation, which played like a marital breakup and reconciliation, are tied to major mytharc beats. In a season where a long-running textual theme about Dean’s developing hope for retirement and his wistfulness about “things...people...feelings...” is getting further play. Where Dean and Cas’s relationship continues to be one of the show’s most central ones.

Dean dances with a lamp. While his emotionally fraught, intense close relationship with Cas--A BEING MADE OF LIGHT--has a long-running arc and recently more and more textual level content spelling out the sublimated romantic interest in small words, while there’s an arc about Dean’s yearning for that stability, contentment, a significant other.

CONTEXT. 

We don’t think Destiel’s “going canon” because Dean dances with a lamp, it’s that Dean dancing with a lamp is kinda loud serving as reflection of canon textual arcing. Sometimes subtext adds a layer. Sometimes subtext is directly tied to the surface layers, an echo, a highlighter.

I’ll just be over here, crying because Dean danced with a lamp.

[quickspinner]

Y’all I gotta complain about Zoe for a minute, and stuff like this always gets me into trouble, so please, please just keep scrolling if you don’t wanna hear it. IDK I guess I’m hoping if I just get some of the griping out of my system I can quit thinking about it. 😂 Spoilers for season 4 under the cut. 

I want her to be a villain so bad. Why couldn’t they have given Lila a setup like that and then used her effectively? I mean you have someone who admits they lie to fit in, that they like to act, and they come in with the perfect setup to be seen as Chloe’s victim and get in good with everyone else, and then start to lie and manipulate things just a little bit to go their way, and pretty soon everyone’s twisted around and you have a really effective setup for a liar/user who’s not completely obvious, and if she does get get caught, she’s got an iron-clad pity play right on the table already. “I’m sorry, I messed up, I’m trying so hard to do better, please forgive me,” and with the family she’s living in, who would question it? I know they’re not gonna do it, because it would just be repeating Lila’s plot again (only better) and they seem committed to sticking it out with her but UGH WHYYYYYYY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER. I’m not sure how you would actually work out her not knowing Hawmoth’s identity, unless she was a sentimonster, but also how amazing would that be? Hawkmoth creating a sentimonster, while the real Zoe never leaves her boarding school and just goes on, because you know nobody in the mayor’s house is checking on anything there. Maybe Nathalie’s last sentimonster so that HM can keep making his own. ugh that would have been so good. Now he’s got an inside agent that can manipulate things at school, goad Chloe, get close to Marinette if he still wants to target her. 

To me that’s the only way to redeem the fact that you could find the exact same character in a thousand first-time-writer-self-insert fics--seriously she’s a freaking checklist. Long lost suddenly appearing sibling of a major cast member, mistreated by everybody, underestimates her own self-worth so that everyone tells her how great she is, being awesome enough to get even Chat’s attention for a millisecond, getting to tell Chloe off as the new queen bee, accomplishing previously impossible things that we’ve all wanted to see, for example the only one who can convince Mayor Bourgeois to stand up to Chloe, etc etc on and on--literally the only thing she’s missing is being crushed on by a secondary character so that she can be impressive and desirable without interrupting the main ship. I’m all for those things in fanfic, we all wrote that kind of thing at one point and I’m not judging anybody. But it drives me bananas when it shows up in a professional work that should know better (I am looking at you Heather from How to Train Your Dragon).

I know I’m massively biased, but I gotta be honest y’all the Zoeka thing mystifies me 😂 Setting aside all the issues above, we have a character who’s based around truth, sincerity, and perceptiveness/consideration of others’ feelings, and a character that straight up admits she lies to fit in (to the point of being cruel to others), who even after she reforms (so to speak) has no problem lying and manipulating her own sister (masterfully, omg, see above, why wouldn’t they use this), and generally is in the habit of not showing her true feelings or self. This is the exact opposite of what Luka is attracted to in Marinette (clear as a music note, sincere as a melody). I mean, they look cute, I’ll give you that, I think they’d have an interesting friendship dynamic and Zoe could learn a lot from the Couffaines. That’s fine in a friendship, but not great in a romantic partner. There’s a difference between supporting a partner who’s working through some hard stuff, and dating someone you have to fix, so. I don’t find it especially appealing. (I have this same problem with a lot of Adrien ships, to be honest; I ship Adrien x therapy 😂) IDK maybe five or ten years down the road when she’s learned how to separate herself from the roles she plays, but it’d definitely take some really good storytelling to convince me even then. 

Ship and let ship, of course, y’all have a party, nobody needs my approval. Just don’t expect to see me jumping ships anytime soon. 😂

[codenamesazanka]

like for real the Villains drive the plot of the whole story. Besides the fact that HeroAca’s main character’s power exists literally thanks to one of the antagonists, the whole premise of ‘superheroes saves the day’ requires ‘bad guys’ to challenge the Heroes, to provide the danger and goals and things to defend and protect.

It’s one thing if these bad guys were mindless monsters comparable to natural disasters that just happen by freak chance; but Horikoshi made the explicit decision to have his Villains be people - people who mainly exist due to being alienated by the same system that allowed the heroes to be Heroes. These antagonists are the antithesis to the positions and roles of the protagonists; they are the cause, the process, and the result of everything that a Hero did and do. it’s a cycle they’re vital to.

Without the Villains, we would have a slice of life gimmick high school, which I guess is what some people wanted but honestly, too bad, that’s just not the story. Or perhaps HeroAca would’ve tackled a worse and deeper corruption of the Hero Business as it’s main ‘evil’ - which is another story, one that would likely dismantle the whole premise of training to be a Hero, possibly even the concept of Hero itself.

Instead, we got Shigaraki Tomura and the League of Villains (and yes, the other Villains) who provides a wider scope that tackle both these storylines, and then more. And it’s Shigaraki who’s the most important and central figure to the whole series (IMO), because of his quirk, his lineage, his history, his interactions with/in the Hero System, his connections and relations to major characters, his destiny of whether he’ll be saved or not, succeed in his goals or not. OFA could’ve gone to anyone, main candidate to save the world could’ve been anyone, the greatest Hero ever could’ve the goal of anyone—

but all those alternate paths eventually would led to Shigaraki Tomura, the representation of the dark side of the world they all live in and all the problems and themes that arises from it.

(Sure, maybe AFO will be the final boss but whether he is or not, still the story can’t be over until we get the answer to ‘Can Shigaraki Tomura be saved?’ For as long as Shigaraki is there fucking shit up, the story continues.)

(*and no, ‘Deku was quirkless’ is not a reason just because it’d mean he can live til old age or his powers won’t blow up his body or whatever. Frankly those should’ve been difficulties he had to face, and not the free ‘get out of jail’ card he got.)

[airplanned]

Ned Talks About Describing Things

Okay, so.  Descriptions are boring.  So the question is, how do I make sure my reader follows this while not boring them so much that they close the window?

Over simplification: if your reader knows what a thing looks like, you don't need to describe it.  A convenience store.  A high school.  A grocery store.  A boring office.  I know what those look like.  You know what those look like.  If you explain how there are three rows of shelves at the connivence store, one with candy, one with snacks, one with cleaning products, I will slap you.  Now, this doesn't mean that you can't sprinkle some details in there.  That adds some color.  Saying that she was staring at the three varieties of sunflower seeds without making a decision, can tell me a lot about the character's feelings right then, and is also kind of funny.  Saying "she opened her locker, which was the color of a dying houseplant" does the same thing.  But the thing is that these are lines dropped into the action of the scene, and what we really want to talk about is when to devote a whole paragraph to description.

I can think of three reasons you would need a block of description: 1. You need to know this to follow the story, 2. it will explain a character better, and  3. it's cool and your reader will enjoy hearing about it.

1. You need to know this.   Do I need to know what the convenience store looks like, or is it fine if I have my own version in my head even if it's not exactly what you the writer have in your head?  You have to give up some control and let your reader live their life.  There is no way you will ever make the scene in your reader's head exactly the way it is in your head.  Just get over that now and let your reader imagine the bathroom.

But let's say there is a setting with a very large, perilous cliff off to the side, and later a major character is going to fall off that cliff.  By all means, describe that cliff to me.  I want to know the stakes if someone falls (sharp rocks at the bottom, how the wind screams and pulls at you, how you can't even see it until you're right there.)  This instantly makes me worry that someone's going to fall off that cliff. Let's say they're at the connivence store, but the lights are red.  That's weird!  That goes against my expectations, and I need to know that because it's probably important. 

But now, if you're only describing plot relevant things, the reader will pick up on it and whatever you describe will become Chekov's gun.  If the only thing you lovingly describe is a cliff, I'll bet you $10 someone's going over that cliff.  I once beta'ed a novel for a friend where he went into extensive detail about a seaplane.  I knew that seaplane better than I knew the main character.  I was so excited for a seaplane chase!  Guess what.  That plane was never seen again, and I was ticked.

The cool thing abut fanfic is that all your readers know what all the locations and the characters look like!  Unless you're doing an AU or something, this is one of the main things that fanfic scaffolds for, and you don't need to describe all that much.

2. It will explain a character better.  If a character is neat and tidily dressed with perfectly applied makeup, that tells me something about them.  If they have three nose rings and a motorcycle helmet tucked under their arm, that tells me something.  If their room has a Backstreet Boys poster, that tells me something.  Remember that bathroom you let someone imagine earlier?  Well, what if it's a VERY FANCY bathroom and our main character was already feeling out of place in this rich person's house, so they hide in the bathroom, but!  Even this bathroom is alienating!  There's marble and some sort of water feature and little mints in a basket and a bidet!  Ack!  Yes!  Tell me about the bathroom.

Describing a character is something that probably needs to happen, and needs to happen up front (if you're not writing fic).  Because if I find out a character has glasses half way through the book, and I had not been picturing them with glasses, I will reject that description and continue to pretend they don't have glasses and be a little bitter.  It can be a chore, but you can make the description interesting or funny in a way that strikes your reader enough to stick with them and give them as sense of the character without going through the laundry list of hair color and eye color and height and blah blah blah.  (Lev Grossman with the Magicians series does a lot of things I don't care for, but his descriptions of characters are like well aimed knives and worth picking apart).

3. It's cool.  So let's say we get to a thing that is just WILD.  You've been imagining it for months.  You doodle pictures of it.  No one has done this before and you are so excited to write about it.  This thing has a sense of wonder about it.  Here, that wonder is a driving force that pulls your reader forward. If I'm interested, then you're not slowing anything down by telling me about it. If you are showing me a cool thing, then YES, SHOW ME THE COOL THING.  Tell me more!  

I have a friend who writes Sci-fi, and she's always worried that she's boring her readers with her descriptions of the absolutely bananas rainforest on this moon and the weird-assed weapons people carry around to walk through the jungle and how the telepaths can communicate with the creatures of the jungle, and I always send her stuff back with big old circles that say WHOA!  MORE OF THIS!  This is actually a pretty big trope in sci-fi.  There's a book called "2312," which is just a tour of the solar system that has been terraformed, and there's not a whole lot of plot, but that's okay, because I get these log descriptions about this city on a track on Mercury, and it's great.

[hekatekun]

The metanarrative’s grand narrative: Osomatsu-san’s characterization throughout the franchise

The growing cynicism throughout the entire Osomatsu-san franchise shows itself in season 3 with more prominence than anything prior. I think that’s pretty common amongst any “long-running” gag comedy - replacing a plot with spiteful commentary that’s admittedly pretty hit or miss at times. However, it invariably creates a negative but pretty funny character growth, and I love the way the show (I’m including the movie too as “canon” material considering season 3 has referenced it way too many times for me to disregard) has set up this metanarrative across seasons. Long post ahead.

Obviously, Osomatsu-san is self-aware and has a casual relationship with itself. No linear plot (though S3 seems to be trying it out and I’ve enjoyed it - I love that they’re willing to experiment), rather a collection of unrelated skits; and so it points out its own metanarrative because of this “lack of consequences.” With comedy comes impermancy and Ososan AND -kun will always bounce back from that week’s insanity. From the Oxford Dictionary, a metanarrative is “a narrative account that experiments with or explores the idea of storytelling, often by drawing attention to its own artificiality.” Basically: a story about stories.

On top of this, is what I’m calling the “grand narrative,” which is often used interchangeably with metanarrative, but here I’m making a distinction to make it less confusing. Of course, Ososan is a story about stories, but with that comes a story it’s not directly telling, which is where most of the (little) character development is taking place. This is what I’m going to call the grand narrative of a show whose premise is being a meta-aware comedy. I’ll admit I’m by no means an expert on these subjects, but storytelling methods are something I enjoy trying to analyze. As a media format, Ososan really utilizes the fact that it’s a tv show.

Right off the bat S1E1 makes it clear what to expect: Nothing. Not a damn thing. But, the show had already been cleared for this first season, so it has to be produced. This same episode’s preview is done by Osomatsu, which I’m just gonna quote instead screenshot because there’s too many.

“...we plan on properly starting the anime the next episode.” “...you ended up with an extra minute, so you need me to do something to fill it?! Actually, is this anime going to be okay with episode one being like this? I’m getting worried about how the rest of this is going to be...” “There, I used up a minute! [EPISODE ENDS]”

Episode one is not only batshit referential, but downright mocking the state of anime in 2015. Which, truthfully, I don’t have much to comment on in that regard, as I’m not an avid anime fan. However, it does this under the premise of being indecisive about what kind of anime they wanted the Osokun reboot to be. 

They’ll do just about anything to stay popular and relevant considering that is, quite literally, all they have going for them as characters in the series and just being characters in general. They may be pieces of shit, but they’re likeable pieces of shit. The dynamics they’ve built upon to be entertaining is encouraged, and they’re basically just roleplaying different skits and fucking around.

All the AUs! All the skits! They’re just playing! They’re just fuckin’ around!! They couldn’t come up with any interesting plot nor could they “graduate” from being anime protagonists and join the real world, so they just fuck around and make a gag anime!

Even if we follow both as the audience, the show makes a difference between the what’s them in their “normal life” (crazy begets crazy, no?) and what’s their “show.” But, really, that’s just one way to look at it, as they don’t really follow any rules as a show. I could say the Joshimatsus are separate characters from the sextuplets, and it’d be a “correct” interpretation. It doesn’t really matter - I’m choosing to examine it all as being the six of them just running around and playing, because being entertaining and having fun is all they know as characters. Besides, having it blended together beyond recognition reinforces how it prioritizes entertaining us, the audience, above logic. Storytelling doesn’t need to make absolute spatial-temporal sense for it to be enjoyable to fans.

In any case, that mentality really seems to be what pushes their character development negative, as they look to reinforce habits and rituals despite them being really detrimental for them in the long run. They know they’re popular characters as is, and with really everyone from staff to fans encouraging this behavior further, so they see no point in fixing what isn’t really broken.

I found this 4 year old article from Manga.Tokyo discussing the Ososan phenomenon in Japan because while the craze died off pretty quickly in American anime circles (which deserves a whole other post), Japanese fans went fuckin’ nuts.

This portion caught my attention, as it makes sense that entitled and enabled asshole children would grow up to be entitled and enabled asshole adults. The article also goes on to compare them to idols (even beyond the F6 spoof) and that they are rooted in being comfort characters above all else. 

It’s worth a read, especially because Japanese fan response is what drives majority of the content post-S1, and, inevitably, ties into their character development. 

They know that they’re Characters, particularly Protagonists. You know what happens to protagonists? Everything works out. Just about every single story created has stuff working out for protagonists. In fact, we have a whole genre made that separates stories with bad tragic endings from our Normal Stories. Ososan is a comedy, not a tragedy, so surely there’s gonna be some payoff somewhere along the road, especially as the seasons and other content are still being pumped out. To a self-aware, entitled, enabled protagonist, assuming everything is just gonna work out for you isn’t that far off from your narrative truth.

However, Ososan is a gag anime, and a lot of gag content (like 4koma mangas) is dropped for other projects before any emotional cathartic ending is provided for characters and fans alike. So, three seasons and a movie later, nothing has happened. It’s a great idol cash cow with a Family Guy filter, and the characters (and writers) don’t even bother to hide it anymore. And I know I’m being hypocritical concerning my definition of “canon material” but I think this portion from one of the drama cds “Choroplex” basically summarizes my point:

CHOROMATSU: Wait, don’t make this into a gag! You don’t even care about becoming employed, right? KARAMATSU: There’s no way that could happen... CHOROMATSU: What kind of future are you imagining? Is it nothing but this? [HUGE PAUSE BEFORE THEY MOVE ONTO SOMETHING ELSE]

They’re parodies of themselves and are running out of ideas. Stagnation and decay is normal, if not unavoidable, at this point in time for them. They’re just 20 somethings who’ve hit a wall but they’re too scared and insecure to bring about permanent positive change. It’s easier for them to fall back into normal patterns and joke off the rest.

They have an antagonistic relationship with expectations. They can’t handle a single iota of expectations, or responsibilities. They’ve never needed to worry before, so why bother now? Once the biggest hits on the block, now they’re just guppies in the ocean, and there’s nothing they believe themselves to be able to accomplish to keep up with this big brave new world. This is epitomized in S3E15, where old man Osomatsu tells a bastardized version of the Tortoise and the Hare, blatantly projecting his feelings onto it. Again, too many screenshots so let me pull more quotes (bolding for my own reference):

“The place that the tortoise thought was the goal was not actually the goal. His journey down the road of life still continued on. The tortoise was quite tired, but he continued running anyway.” “No one actually knew who was in front anymore. There are too many people above you.” “After the tortoise found out how society worked, he thought, ‘So this is the difference in talent? No amount of hard work is going to fix this. All right. I’m done competing with others.’”

S3 has left more questionable endings than its counterparts. The last 2 skits I referenced don’t even a gag to them, and the marriage skit doesn’t play music for the entire second half of S3E5. There’s more involved too. I haven’t even brought up the rice ball twins becoming actual entertainers in their universe, or how they introduced this whole AI subplot only to reject it because All Six Of Them aren’t interested in expanding their little corner of the world. Here’s a transcript of the ending preview from S3E1:

“Hey, hey, Osomatsu here. I thought we were saved from being replaced, but I guess we get new characters next week. Man, we’re busy. New encounters, changing surroundings... We’re NEETs to begin with because all that is a pain. I guess a lot can happen after three seasons. [EPISODE ENDS]”

The sextuplets’ mindsets are extremely self-centered, which is also an environmental thing (the parents don’t even really care that they’re NEETs, for one) and an understanding of what they ought to be (epic successful protagonists). They also have a very black and white mentality, all or nothing. They’re extremely sheltered, and once they realized where they stood in society at large, they just gave up. To them the world is divided between winners and losers, and somehow, “inexplicably,” they found themselves to have fallen from grace. But they’re protagonists, that has to count for something! Everything’s gonna end up okay, right? Well... what this show has told them: No, not at all. They are consistently compared and warned of Iyami, and are perfectly aware of this fact, and have come to internalize it as a truth rather than a reversible self-fulfilling prophecy.

Too many screencaps, taken from the S3S5 marriage discussion:

JYUSHIMATSU: I wonder if we’re gonna get married someday, too. CHOROMATSU: Well, I mean... probably? I’m not exactly sure, but... TODOMATSU: What? You’re gonna get married, Choromatsu-niisan? CHOROMATSU: Huh? Well, yeah... someday.

Surprise! They have commitment issues! The same group that couldn’t commit to a fucking plot! Though their personality issues have several factors involved, I can’t overlook the theater motifs abound. Life’s a stage, and they’re performing entirely unscripted and it shows.

Do I think all of this is 100% intentional on the writers’ part? No, probably not. There’s also an extra layer here regarding contemporary Japanese commentary that I’m not familiar with, so I just ended up focusing on the characters. I can’t be in the writers’ heads, but whatever decisions are being made by executives regarding censorship and “compliance” are reflected in these character changes that result in being significantly more bitter and defeatist.

In the all or nothing, winner-take-all mentality, the only way to save face at this point, in their minds, is to own up to it - act like it’s what they wanted all along. And, hey, it’s funny to watch, right?

“Why is Osomatsu all my examples”, you might be asking. Well, he’s the damn blueprint for it all. The leader of the bunch, the first personality to grab your attention, has had all his issues projected and ricocheted in their echo chamber.

Ultimately, my point here is that you could think their “canon characterizations” (though canon means nothing in a show like this) as being intertwined with the nature of their self-aware existence. They’ve shown you all their tricks, the smoke and mirrors are getting boring, and they’re stalling long enough the story seems to be moving on without them - in spite of them. And when something genuinely threatens their way of life, they don’t know how to respond.

You can play it all straight, of course. Remove the meta jokes and all the same plot points can be hit, but, as a slapstick comedy, it’s able to easily add this additional layer in that I appreciate. I’ve said it in my last post and I’ll probably say it in more, but with comedy comes sincerity - the caveat of all the cartoon violence is that, on some level somewhere, this is how they really feel.

[thewispguy]

I watched the Chip ’n Dale Rescue Rangers Movie. My thoughts?

As a Chip 'n Dale Movie, I think it's okay at best. As a Rescue Rangers Movie? It's pretty bad. It makes me glad that DuckTales 2017 turned out as good as it did. That show was made by people who loved the Disney Afternoon cartoons, and tried to do it some justice for the new generation. This one feels like the people here wanted to make "Roger Rabbit 2" instead and simply chose a nostalgic property because reboots are the cool new thing.

When I first heard of the movie being made, I was expecting "The Rescue Rangers take on Fat Cat/Nimnul/an original villain in their most dangerous scheme yet!" Or "The Rescue Rangers have gone their separate ways, but join together once more to take on a new threat!" Or "This is a new origin story for the how Rescue Rangers came together to stop Fat Cat!" Not "Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2: Starring Chip 'n Dale from the Rescue Rangers!"

While Monty's kidnapping does drive the plot, Gadget and Zipper only help out at the very end of the movie where they fly Dale to his destination, and even then they remain uninvolved in the final conflict! Like, you could’ve replaced them with almost anyone else, and things still would’ve been the same. If this is supposed to be a “Rescue Rangers Movie,” why not have Gadget and Zipper team up with the duo to help find Monty? You mean to tell me Monty called in Chip n’ Dale for help, but not Gadget and his best pal Zipper?

Heck, why not have Fat Cat and Nimnul help out as well? Sure, you could argue “they’re evil, they would never help those Rescue Rodents,“ but as previously mentioned, in this world, The Rescue Rangers are actors.

In an early scene in the movie, both villains seem to be enjoying making the episodes alongside the heroes. I’m sure they would be more than happy to help them find one of their missing co-stars. Imagine Ellie going “You guys are helping? Aren’t you villains?“ and Fat Cat snarking back at her “Uh, hello? We’re actors. That was only in the show,“ with Nimnul following up with “We’re really nice once you get to know us,” or something like that.

Speaking of which... Gadget and Zipper? Really? This pairing really feels like it’s a spit on the fans than anything. I’d rather Chip/Gadget, Dale/Gadget, or just Gadget living by herself than that. (And I’m not even a massive shipper in the Rescue Rangers fandom)

I’d probably be less upset by that if they weren’t so selective on what Rescue Rangers lore they brought back. Like, Monty’s obsession with cheese wasn’t something that Monty “the character” was obsessed with. Monty “the actor” is also addicted to cheese, and it’s treated like a drug addiction. (And nobody in-universe cares that they wrote his addiction into their script because...?)

Heck, Gadget herself comments that “I guess my character from the old show and my character in real life are basically exactly the same!“ I might be remembering wrong, but didn’t Gadget sometimes display an interest in Chip, despite her being rather oblivious to love?

Heck, Zipper was shown being interested in Queenie the Queen Bee in one episode. Seems to me like they deliberately chose to ignore these two facts simply to spite the original fans.

And then there's the whole Peter Pan situation. Even ignoring its very unfortunate ties to the Bobby Driscoll tragedy, his backstory has a major plothole when Peter encounters one of the Lost Boys when he and his minions are chasing the two chipmunks.

How did that kid not age a day while Peter did? Never explained.

There was that one leak that suggests that PLUTO was intended to be the main villain. And you know what? That might just be the case. When you watch the film with that scrapped plot in mind, you start to notice some things. Like how our main antagonist Peter - originally “Mean Dean” in the leak - doesn’t really have a lot of lines of dialogue before he transforms into that amalgamation of a cartoon, especially compared to the second antagonist of the film. Heck, Mean Dean may not have even been intended to be Peter, only for that to change when they rewrote the script! But I digress...

That being said, there were some enjoyable moments here and there. I even think the flashbacks to Chip 'n Dale's childhood was pretty cute. But it's not enough to save the movie for me, and I pray a sequel to this - whether it's following Chip 'n Dale or Darkwing Duck - never happens. If you absolutely have to watch it, then I suggest you “set sails on the high-seas, matey!“ and never look back.

It’s true what they say: “Sometimes, some films deserve to slip through the cracks.“

[thiswasinevitableid]

for the meet ugly prompts, 20 seems like it'd make a good ot4 nsfw..

Here you go!

20: you’re the town’s super villain and you take me hostage because you saw the super hero talking to me but I’m new in town and was asking them for directions

“I do not see what is so difficult about this.” Indrid leans against the console in his hideout, “simply agree that you will not, under any circumstances, go after Ursa Major, and I will let you go.”

“For the last time” the villain (oh, excuse him, the ‘writer who is new in town’) strapped to his chair stares him down with convincing confusion in his blue eyes, “I just needed directions, and he was the nearest person. I’m not a super villain, I swear. I don’t even know where you’re getting this idea.”

Indrid taps his temple, though the answer is really his SmartGlasses, “When I scanned you, the information was minimal, the kind of life that suggests you appear as mundane as possible to avoid detection. More importantly” he leans into “Josephs” space, ice in his grin and menace on his tongue, “I saw instances of you and him in combat, both costumed.”

His captive raises an eyebrow, but Indrid gives him nothing; he’s not about to just tell some upstart the crux of his powers.

Joseph sighs, “Alright, I think I understand. I’m really not a super villain.” He flashes a movie star grin, “but I am a superhero.”

The chair tips backwards, smashing when it hits the ground. Indrid curses, lunges at him and narrowly avoids an elbow to the chest.

“That changes th--ohno” he braces as his feet leave the ground without his permission and he flies backwards, slamming into a wall. He’s up before his enemy can ready another attack, hurls a destabilizer at him as he makes for the door. It catches his neck and he shudders, stumbling as he turns the nod.

“I’ll see myself out, Emperor Moth. Ugh” he holds his head, rips the device from his neck, “nasty stuff.”

“Thank you.” Indrid grins, “and don’t bother putting that little monitor strip on my door. I’ll be vacating this hide-out immediately.”

Joseph frowns, still having trouble with balance as he steps outside.

“I did tell you not to underestimate me.” Indrid waves, slams the door, and initiates the scrubbing sequence.

----------------------------------------------------

“It is just humiliating. I was so concerned with keeping him away from Duck, I didn’t bother to check why he might be interested in him.” Indrid grumbles, then hisses when Barclay touches the back of his head.

“It doesn’t sound like he was. I mean, maybe they’ll team up eventually, but if he’s so new none of us knew there was another hero in town, he probably needed directions.” The other villain finishes checking the bruise Indrid got when Joseph launched him into the console, “and hey, thanks to you we got an even earlier warning about him than we might have otherwise.”

Indrid stares at the floor, still wrongfooted by errors being met with kindness instead of punishment, “I should never have let that bear become so valued a nemesis. It is making me weak.”

Barclay bends, kissing the top of his head, “It’s okay, baby, you’re not the first villain to get territorial.”

“You never do.”

“Guess I just haven’t met the right hero.”

------------------------------------------------

“Got a decent arm on you, blue eyes.” Barclay cracks his neck, standing from the crumple dumpster Joseph (AKA Roswell) punched him into when the trashcan he launched with telekinesis missed it’s mark.

“Same to you, but given your name I’m not surprised. Now hand over that remote and come quietly.”

“Not a chance.” He grabs Joseph when he swipes at the remote, Barclay strong enough to keep a hold on it even when Joseph tugs with his powers. Up close, he can see what Indrid meant when he said the hero had a face it would be a shame to damage.

Joseph flashes him a stunning smile as the remote begins getting hot. Fuck. Time for a new plan.

“You wanna know why they call me Bigfoot?”

“Wh--SHIT!” Joseph fights to free himself as Barclay shifts into his other form and hoists him over his head.

By the time Joseph pulls himself out of the dumpster, he’s no more than a disgruntled image in Barclay’s rearview mirror.

------------------------------------------------------

“Thanks for helpin me out, Joe.” Duck scans the Capitol Square for signs of trouble.

“Any time.” Joe studies the readouts on his communicator in case something elsewhere needs their attention.

Duck, like the rest of the Pine Guard, was skeptical when a new hero by the name of Roswell approached them and asked if they wanted his help protecting Kepopolis. Ned pointed out the distinct air of government about him, and Duck wondered why he’d chosen a city with a solid population of supers. But he’s helped them enough times in the last two months that Duck considers him an honorary member. Even more so since he started training with them.

Fuck, the guy’s got abs, looks so good doing his practice circuits that Duck has to face the other way to avoid whacking himself in the face with his whips. No one’s held his attention since…

No. No thinking of Emperor Moth that way. He promised himself that after the last jerk-off session about the villain. And the one before that. And the one before that one.

Even Joe’s backstory is hot; rule-following government man, stationed at a secret desert base, refuses to to help his fellow agents use confiscated, alien tech for weapons research. In the process of smuggling it out, it goes off. Everyone thinks he’s dead, but instead he receives heightened reflexes, increases intelligence, and telekinesis. How is Duck supposed to resist that?

“Um, Ursa? Is that who I think it is at your two? Right by the churro cart at the farmer’s market.”

“Holy fuck. Yep, that’s Indrid and Barclay all right. Huh. Guess even villains like local produce.”

“And Sunday dates. Look” Joe, now shoulder to shoulder with him, gently tugs his chin a little lower so he sees where the pair are holding hands.

“I’ll be damned.” Duck murmurs. Indrid is the same; same silvery hair, same wide smile, same face of enchanting angles and lithe, wiry limbs. He just looks lighter. Softer.

Happier.

Barclay holds out a doughnut and Indrid bites it, powdered sugar dusting his face. The bearded villain laughs, and kisses a spot of sweetness away. Duck’s confusion over why he’s glad Indrid has someone to do that for him is dwarfed only by his bafflement at why he wishes it were him.

Better to distract from those disastrous daydreams with doable ones.

“Hey, uh, Joe? You ever use your powers for more than restrainin’ villains?”

“Sometimes.” Joe turns so they’re chest to chest, smile downright mischievous, “are you hoping for a demonstration?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Then when we’re off the clock, I say we go back to my place for a drink and some, um, hands on illustrations of what I can do.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What are they playing at?” Indrid peers from the rooftop into the Fun Center.

“I think they’re literally just bowling.” His boyfriend’s voice comes through his earpiece from where he’s stationed at their shared base

“But we could be plotting, be about to wreck havoc, and they’d never know.”

“Are you dropping hints?” Barclay sounds perplexed.

“No. I just do not understand why my hero wishes to waste time with yours.”

“He’s not mine.” Barclay mumbles, but Indrid can hear his blush.

“Wait, they have finished their game.” He watches Duck and Joseph stroll to the latters car. Before he can open the door, Duck taps him so he’ll turn. When he does, the shorter hero shoves him against the black vehicle, kissing him ferociously. Indrid stabs the bubble of jealousy in his chest before it even inflates, finds it unhelpfully replaced by the wish to be in the car, close enough to hear whatever Duck is whispering against Joseph’s neck. Close enough that instead of driving off to finish their tryst in private, they crowd into the back seat with him and render him speechless.

“Shall I come home early?” He murmurs, knowing full Barclay is seeing through his glasses.

Barclay’s response is a promising growl, “yeah, little moth, think you’d better.”

----------------------------------------------------------------

“Give it up, moth, you know damn well I’m strongerOWow, fuck” Duck grits his teeth as Indrid claws his face. He could deploy the knife in the palm of the right glove, but most futures show him escaping without that.

“Yes, but you lack imagination, my ursine nemesis. Now get off of me so I can collect my prize and go home.”

“No can doFUCK.” Duck curses again as Indrid flips them, making it the heroes turn to slam his back into the concrete floor of the Reconcore Warehouse.

“Ta-taAH! Release me at once!” Indrid writhes as the SmarWhip tightens across his back, knowing his InstaPicks are trapped between their bodies. He’s not about to meet the humiliation of defeat while literally wrapped up with his enemy. There’s only one thing for it.

He means to headbutt the hero, he swears it, would do so even under the worst tortures of his past. But instead he brings their lips together with enough force to crack the teeth of a non-super. He pulls back a beat later, so surprised at himself he can’t track the futures.

Duck licks his lips, “About fuckin time.”

Indrid rolls to his side without a fight, the whips going slack and clattering on the concrete as Duck holds tight to the front of his suit, sucking his bottom lip as the villain flails his legs to wrap around sturdy thighs. He wiggles his hips in a plea he doesn’t trust his mouth to form, and Duck slots his knee between them.

“That’s it sugar, c’mon” Duck kisses him messily as he weaves his fingers into dark hair, “this why you’re always runnin around and makin me chase you? So needy you’ll give it up on the goddamn floor.”

“Yes, yesyes.” Indrid groans as kisses find his throat.

“Don’t bother me none. Think it’s kinda cute, and real fuckin flatterin.”

“Duck” he holds tighter; Barclay tends to take things slow, so he hasn’t cum this fast in months, “Duck please.”

“S’okay, sugar, you can cum.” The kiss is softer this time, “been wonderin’ what you look like when you do.”

Indrid gasps as pleasure spikes through his system. He doesn’t want to think of what comes next, what happens when he raises his head and sees Duck’s face return to its usual determined set.

“I’m, uh, I’m gonna go.” Duck hastily stands, then kneels and kisses him once on the forehead. He’s gone before Indrid can even offer to return the favor.

--------------------------------------------------

It’s supposed to be a minor mission, the two of them scrambling the city’s traffic grid from the office near Kepler Dam.

“Oh no.” Indrid bursts from the car he entered a moment before, sprinting back towards the device they planted at one of the power boxes, “ohnohnono.”

“What-”

“Someone remotely tampered with my device!” He rips off the back, “and they still are! If, if it goes how they have programmed it to, it will take out the dam, it, it will, so many people-”

“Can we break it manually?”

“You could switch each command wire to the color that precedes it on the spectrum, but that would still make an explosion large enough to kill anyone within fifty feet, with no time to run. All, all those people, all my fault, again, I cannot, not again, I have to-”

Barclay understands two things; he won’t let Indrid live with any more disasters on his conscience. He didn’t throw off his past for that. And he can’t bear the thought of Indrid dying.

He sets a hand on each narrow shoulder, “Fly home, little moth.”

“No, I, you cannot do this-”

“We always promised each other that if it came down to it, we’d save ourselves and not the other.”

“Yes, which you are expressly contradicting!”

Barclay kisses him one last time, “I love you, Indrid.”

Then he hits the emergency autopilot button on Indrid’s suit, his wings carrying him up and away before he has a chance to protest.

Re-ordering the wires is fast and easy; as the explosion hits the air, he hopes dying will be the same.

-------------------------------------------

“How is he?” Duck pokes his head into the med room; because Joseph lacked a formal base during his travels, he has a procedure for adapting wherever he lives to superhero needs. Thank the lord for that, because when they found Barclay, singed and barely alive at the sight of an explosion, he knew he wasn’t handing him off to anyone else.

It took them five hours to get him stable, and Joseph’s heart twists every time he looks at his battered face; Barclay is careful and Indrid’s engineering is impeccable. What went wrong? Was Indrid there in the smoke and rubble and they didn’t see him?

One of his windows--his triple reinforced, alarmed, bullet-proof windows--shatters in the other room. He and Duck hit the living room at the same instant to find Indrid in his full villain apparel, nightsticks drawn.

“Where is he?” The villain demands, unyielding ice in every word.

“He’s in my med room. You can’t see him yet, he’s still in very bad shape-”

“I am taking him back with me.”

“Nuh uh, you move him now he’s liable to die.” Duck steps forward and Indrid hisses.

“Liars. You will keep him here, hand him over to the police when he is well. I am not going to lose him.”

“Indrid, we’re not going to do that, I swear.” Joseph’s never seen Indrid look this way, hardened and dangerous. Like he could kill them.

“Get out of my way.”

“No.”

Indrid attacks him, is knocked off course mid-way there as Duck tackles him to the couch.

“‘Drid, for fuck’s” Duck holds the villain down, wincing as he slams his shoulders with his weapons, “we ain’t gonna hurt him or turn him in. You know I can’t lie, so calm the fuck down.”

“I, I will not, if I lose him I, I do not know what I will do with myself, he always takes care of me, I cannot fail him again, cannot leave him without care.”

“You ain’t” Duck’s voice is so gentle Joseph could melt. Indrid does, going limp as Duck eases them into a sitting position, “he’s bein cared for here, I give you my goddamn word.”

“If that’s not enough” Joseph steps behind the couch, setting his hands on the recently vacuumed cushions, “you can stay here while he recovers. To make sure we take care of him the right way.”

A strange, high noise fills the air. It’s only when Indrid hides his face in Duck’s shoulder that he understands it’s coming from the villain.

“Shhh, s’okay ‘Drid, he’s okay. We’ll look after you.”

“I, hic, I do , hic, not need-”

“We both know that ain’t true.” Duck hugs him. When Joseph strokes his hair, Indrid sobs harder. In the dark living room, he wonders when was the last time Indrid allowed himself such emotions. It must have been with Barclay; he might be a villain by name, but Joseph sees the gentleness within the giant.

“I’m going to go check on him; I need to monitor his vitals and make a few adjustments so he’s comfortable.”

Indrid simply nods. Duck lifts Joseph’s hand and kisses it, “I got this one.”

As he checks the villain over, cleans dirt from his cheeks and combs his hair, he understands how Indrid must feel. He confessed to his crush on his nemesis the night Duck came home, radiating guilty arousal, and told him what happened in the warehouse. Joseph never held it against him; for starters, Indrid is quite the catch himself. More importantly, his territorialism around Duck long ago crossed from keeping other villains from his target to simply saving Duck’s life.

By the time he returns to the living room, Indrid is asleep atop Duck on the couch. Joseph slips onto the far end, and guides Duck’s head into his lap, petting his hair until he too drops into dreaming.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“Thought the whole ‘writer’ thing was just cover.” Barclay says softly. He’s still bedridden, which is why Joseph moved his work station into the med room.

“No, I’ve always wanted to write about the paranormal.”

“Any favorite cryptids?”

“Bigfoot, of course.” Joseph winks just to watch Barclay blush. It’s a new sight, one he’ll never tire of. Truthfully, having Barclay in his house is something he never wants to end; his recovery gives them ample time to talk, rather than banter, and lord help him is Barclay his type. The two of them are locked in a game of romantic chicken. Which is very different from-

“Sugar, I gotta go to work.”

“Nonsense, call them at once and tell them you are needed here. For...spring cleaning?” Indrid hangs off Duck, glasses slipping down his nose as he nuzzles him.

“Nice try.” Duck kisses him, slips free and kisses Joseph too, “I gotta patrol after work, so I’ll be in kinda late.”

“Be safe.” Joseph kisses him one more time, squeezes his ass when he turns around. Is it his fault his boyfriend has the nicest ass in the state?

Indrid waves goodbye as Duck leaves the room, then begins making his usual nest in the beanbag chair he brought from his own home a week ago.

“Y’know, I’m glad he came to you guys. And that he and Duck are kinda working things out.” Barclay opens his mouth as Joseph feeds him the nicest pudding that he’s also able to keep down. When Barclay first woke up, Indrid alternated between being livid at him for sacrificing himself (“I am far worse than you, the world needs you more you horrible, brave man”) and cuddling him as much as his recovery allowed.

“Me too.”

“He uh, he pretty much never talks about his past, but it doesn’t take super smarts to work out it was fucked up. Showing weakness, accepting affection...it’s hard for him. Which made things rough for us early on, because all I wanna do is take care of him. Got no idea how he’s gonna react to having two more people who want to look after him.”

The answers include: sleep in Duck’s arms, read with his head in Joseph's lap, kiss Barclay whenever he can, and generally seek out any kind of touches the others will give him.

“You wanna order lunch later today?”

“Is this just an excuse to show off how good you are at picking food for each of us?”

Barclay blushes again, “Maybe.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“I see your evil plot now, Emperor Moth; you suggested we do a movie night so you could steal all my body heat with your fuckin icicle fingers.”

“Nonsense, I am not just stealing your body heat. I am also stealing Joseph’s body heat.” Indrid preens.

“Hmm, how shall we deal with such a cunning villain?”

“I got a few ideas.” Duck drags Indrid into a kiss while Joseph loops his arms around his waist to tease his inner thighs.

“Got a few myself.” A soft voice rumbles from behind them. Indrid sits straight, all his attention on Barclay.

“On your knees, little moth.”

Indrid drops to the floor, blanket tangled around him. Joseph and Duck trade an intrigued look; Indrid leans towards the submissive, but this is a new form of it.

“Head in Duck’s lap.”

Indrid obeys. Duck strokes his cheek, “good boy.”

Barclay circles the couch as Duck pulls down his sweatpants. Indrid licks his lips, then looks up at the hero.

“You can touch, sugar. Suck too, if you want.”

“So very much. Oh” he sighs as Barclay cups the back of his head, “h-hello dearest.”

“Hey, baby. C’mon, show Duck just how good at this you are.” He nudges Indrid’s head forward, keeping his hold on it until Indrid hims and Duck makes a deeply undignified noise.

“Fuuuuck, thanks for sharin man.”

“Any time” Barclay strokes Indrid’s head, “my baby deserves to suck whoever’s dick he wants.”

Barclay steps back, Duck’s hand instantly sliding to replace it, holding Indrid tenderly in place while he blows him. Barclay eases himself onto Joseph’s right side as the hero contemplates whether he should start jerking off now or wait to see where this goes.

“Joseph?” Barclay suddenly sounds shy, “Can I, uh, can I kiss you?”

He climbs into his lap in reply, beard scratching his palms as Barclay moans down his throat.

“Took you two long enough.”

“Agreed” Indrid kisses Duck’s belly before returning to his task.

“Hey, we don’t all get lucky and get our wires crossed in a fight in a good way.” Barclay busies himself making beard-burn on Joseph’s neck.

“But you do get lucky enough to recover ahead of schedule.” Joseph nips the corner of his mouth.

“Uh, not sure I’m all the way there. But I felt good enough to get up and wander around. Glad I did.”

“Me too. Although, I’m not sure how much you should exert yourself.”

“I’m pretty tough, babe.”

“I know. Just to be safe…” Joseph kisses his nose, “is this position comfortable?”

“Very. Oh, oh fuck” brown eyes widen beautifully as he finds he can’t move, “fucking-A that’s so hot, Joseph, babe, shoulda asked you to use these one me like this the first time we met.”

“Would that have kept me out of the dumpster?”

“....Okay maybe not. Point is, please use your fucking powers on me whenever you want from now on.”

“You like being put in your place, big guy?” Joseph slowly grinds on him as he undoes Barclay’s bathrobe.

“By you? Yeah, I really fucking do.”

“Good. Stay there while I slip into something more comfortable.”

“Cornball” Duck chuckles fondly, then moans as Indrid slips a hand down to join his mouth.

Barclay’s eyes darken as Joseph strips down. By the time he’s naked, the other man is growling and his teeth and fingers are sharper than they were.

“No shifting tonight; I’m not sure how it will interact with your recovery.”

“The, the futures suggest it could reopen some wounds.” Indrid grins, “but you should try it at a later date; it is very fun to ride him in that form.”

“Someone better start riding me now or I’m gonna rip the couch in half--uh, wait. I, do we need-”

“The accident made me infertile and unable to catch all known illnesses.”

“Nice.” Barclay grabs his hips and yanks him down, the two of them moaning together as he sinks onto his cock. He rolls and rocks, Barclay grunting in time with his movements, mouth going slack after only a few bounces.

“Sensitive, big guy?”

“Uh huh, fuck, Joseph” his hold is terrifyingly strong and Joseph loves it, “babe, you feel so good.”

“Look it too.” Duck blows him a kiss. Indrid gives a little “mmhmm” and bobs his head.

“Fuck, I’m, fuck this is gonna be really embarassing, fuck, you’re so fucking good, feel so good.” He yips, pleased, when Joseph bears down harder. A sharp “fuck” bursts from beside them; he turns to watch Duck cumming on Indrid’s face. The villain doesn’t miss a beat, scrambling into his lap to kiss him before turning his red eyes on Barclay.

“The next time I pick things up from the hideout, I shall get your cockring.”

“A cockcage might be better for this, nnhff, beast.”

“Yes” Barclay growls, holding him down so hard he can’t get free. He gives him back the use of his hips and he bucks up violently, “yes, yes, put me in one, make me wear it all day, but you better put that one in one too, you, fuck, you’ve seen how he gets.”

“Nah.” Duck kisses Indrid slowly, “think I’ll tie him up and wring as many orgasms outta him as I can.”

Indrid gives a high, trilling moan and dives in for another kiss.

“Good plan.” Joseph can see it now; he even knows which rope Duck will likely use. Then he can’t see anything at all, his vision blurry as Barclay bounces him on his cock. There’s a howlgrowlpurr and then he’s cumming, growling even louder when Joseph clenches around him for fun.

“Fuck that was hot.” Barclay plants kisses down his brow, “how, how do you wanna get off, babe?”

“May I suggest sitting on my face?” Indrid says hopefully.

“Like mike cum so much you’ll lick it outta someone else, little moth?”

“No. Well, yes, but my offer comes from both a desire to know the feeling of blowing each of you, and because the position allows Duck to use his fingers on me while you, dearest, work my cock.”

“Fuck, you’re so fuckin smart sugar.” Duck hops up to retrieve the lube while the other two join Indrid on the floor. Joseph settles into position and immediately learns why Duck was being so loud.

“Lordalmighty, Indrid, you’re incredible.”

“‘Ank ‘ou.” Indrid closes his lips around his dick, humming until his toes curl. Barclay kisses him lazily, snickering when Indrid occasionally turns his head to lap at his softening cock.

“This is the best part.” Barclay murmurs as Duck pushes Indrid’s legs apart.

A muffled moan signals the other hero working his fingers in, Indrid twitching and whimpering as he fucks him. Joseph glances back to see Duck thoroughly entranced by the sight of his fingers opening that very cute ass up.

“You’re right, big guy, he sucks cock better when he’s screaming.”

“Learned that by putting a vibrating ring on his dick and making him cockwarm me.”

“Holy fuck.” Duck groans, “add that to the fuckin to-do list.”

Joseph lets himself be drawn into another kiss, stays there for a long, long time as Indrid’s cries coax his orgasm closer.

“Tell me when you’re close. Don’t want him cumming until you’re done.” Barclay whispers. Below them, Indrid whines. Barclay wipes cum from his boyfriend’s cheek, “you want to cum soon, better get Joseph off.”

“Shit” Joseph braces his hands on the floor, grinding his hips and dragging slick across Indrid’s chin, “shit, that’s it.”

“MMPPPHHHHH” Indrid thrashes as Barclay begins rapidly jerking him off. The villain even bends to lick the head once or twice, and Duck does his best to thrust harder whenever he does.

“Cannot fuckin wait to see you cum again, sugar. You looked so fuckin perfect last time.”

Cum splatters Joseph’s lower back, his own climax buzzing through his veins and bursting across his neurons, more intoxicating and invigorating than the neon green shock all those years ago.

He climbs off Indrid, flops back into what turn out to be Duck’s arms. Indrid shifts onto his side, curling his arms around Ducks leg and bumping Barclays knee with his thigh, “We are going to need a bigger house.”

Joseph believes in prudence and caution, in not rushing into relationships (especially with men who were once your enemies). But as he takes in the scene around him, the love flooding his chest, he knows Indrid is right.

He start researching listings in the morning.

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 82-86

LIKE A BLOODY STORM

Atsuku LIKE A BLOODY STONE

So it’s come to this.   This is the “Black Onyx” arc and “Sorcerian Part 1″, where we finally get the payoff to the Major’s 55-year plot against Alucard.    Walter betrayed Integra, the Hellsing Organization, and the whole United Kingdom just so Millennium would give him a chance to beat Alucard, and he’s failing.   Alucard doesn’t see any point in dragging this out, so he’s sucking up all the fresh blood in London to power up and bring and end to this.   Also, if you’re just joining us, Alucard looks like a 14-year-old girl.    Just roll with it.

But the Major was counting on Alucard doing this, and apparently his plan to “poison the tyrant’s wine” involves his last henchman, Warrant Officer Schrodinger, cutting off his own head and adding his werewolf blood to Alucard’s meal.   Why would this matter at all?

Walter seems to understand, because he begs the Major to stop this, as if the Major could.

Desperate, he bisects Alucard with his wires, but it’s already too late for that.   Part of the secret behind Alucard’s invincibility is that he gains a 1-up for each person’s blood he consumes.   That’s what Anderson and Walter were banking on when they attacked Alucard before.   At the time, he had separated himself from the souls he had consumed, which meant that killing him once -- however tough that might be-- would finish him off.   But now it’s too late for that.  You kill him now and he’ll just come back and dare you to keep going.    And he’s taken the blood of like three million people at least.

So the Major observes that Walter’s window of opportunity has closed.   According to him, there’s only been two chances to beat Alucard in a fight since Abraham van Helsing captured him in 1898.   I assume he’s referring to Anderson and Walter’s respective efforts. 

No, Walter was never the final stroke in the Major’s plan, just part of the endgame.  All of Millennium’s resources were sacrificed to get to this moment.  Enrico Maxwell’s 9th Crusade?   The Major was counting on them getting involved, which is probably why he leaked and shared so much of his plans with the Vatican, even though his target was always London.   He wanted the Vatican to send all their best warriors to compound the horror, all so Alucard would use his full power to destroy them.

And then, once Alucard’s full power was deployed, the Major knew Anderson would step in and use everything at his disposal to kill Alucard.   This battle destroyed all of Alucard’s familiars, setting him up for Walter to take a turn.   And maybe Alucard could beat Walter without taking in more blood, but that;s never been Alucard’s style.   He sees himself as a loaded weapon at the disposal of Integra Hellsing.   He’s not going to drag things out for no reason, and Integra ordered him to destroy Walter, not humor him.

And maybe Walter was aware of all this, but he still believed he could buck the odds and kill Alucard before the Major’s winning move.  Walter’s a rook who fancied himself a king.   I guess that’s always been his problem.   This was never Walter’s story, and I guess he couldn’t handle that truth.  If he couldn’t be the hero, then he was content with being the villain, but in the end he was never more than a plot device, supporting whichever side he was on at the time.

And finally, it happens, whatever ‘it’ is.   Alucard somehow hears the Major saying that he’s lost.   Is the Major saying it?  I don’t think anyone else would be.  Whoever it is, he starts flashing back to all the other times he’s heard that.

Then he seems to realize something’s gone terribly wrong, and he pauses to notice the rising sun, which has been a common theme with all of his past defeats.   Then all these eyes appear on his body and begin winking out, one by one.  

Okay, so what the hell happened here?  Well, get comfortable, because this is going to take some time to unpack.

The key to all of this is Warrant Officer Schrodinger, a werewolf with the power to be “everywhere and nowhere”.   This sounds like he’s just a teleporter, like Nightcrawler from the X-Men, or.... Majik from the X-Men.    Well, it’s more complicated than that. 

Let me explain the “Schrödinger's cat” thought experiment, because that’s one of those things that’s widespread enough in pop culture that it’s easy to take for granted.  I think people understand it has to do with an imaginary cat being alive or dead, but that’s about all.   

The really short version of quantum mechanics is that subatomic particles don’t behave the same way as big objects like apples or planets or people.   It’s convenient to think of atoms as tiny little solar systems, with electrons orbiting the atomic nucleus.   But the reality is that electrons don’t revolve around elliptical orbits like the Earth around the Sun.   What happens instead is the electron zips around the nucleus all over the place, from all angles and directions.   What’s more, the electron can be at any particular spot at any moment.    So it’s less useful to think of an electron having an orbit around a nucleus.   What you have instead is this region where the electron is most likely to be at any particular moment.    And you can do the math and figure out what the shape of this region is.  You can’t locate the electron’s exact position at any particular moment, but you can consider the region where it’s most likely to be in an atom, which will resemble a sphere or a vaguely dumbbell kind of shape.  

This is what the Schrödinger Equation is for.   Erwin Schrödinger didn’t just talk about cats all day.   He postulated his equation in 1925 to work out the movements of electrons in atoms.   It was groundbreaking work, and he won a Nobel Prize for it in 1933, and don’t feel bad if you have trouble wrapping your head around all of this.   I’m a professional chemist and a lot of this is over my head. 

The point of the “Schrödinger's cat” concept was to help visualize how confusing quantum mechanics really is.   There are principles to subatomic particles that we know to be true, but they make no sense in our macroscale world.   For example, a particle might have a probability of being in multiple locations at a given moment.    It can only be in one place at a time, but until you actually perform the measurement to find out, it may as well be in all of those locations.    This is something called “superposition”, and I guess we could say that this idea is the basis for our wolfboy’s powers.

So Schrödinger (the scientist, not the furry) suggested a thought experiment where a macroscale event could depend upon a subatomic condition.   Like there’s some subatomic thing that could happen or not happen, and depending on the outcome, it would cause a poison to be dispensed that would kill a cat in a box.   If the particle goes one way, the cat dies, but if it goes the other way, the cat survives.    But both probabilities are equal, and supposedly both outcomes are true for the particle until you make the observation.    Therefore, you can’t know whether the cat lived or died until you open the box to look!   Indeed, according to quantum mechanics, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead until you open the box to see for yourself.  

How does that make any sense?   Well it doesn’t, and that’s the point Erwin Schrödinger was driving at.    In our large scale, things like gravity and being one place at a time are things we take for granted.  But on the quantum level, subatomic particles are governed by rules that seem completely paradoxical to us.    And yet, we’re not talking about some alternate reality here.   Those subatomic particles make up the atoms that make up us.  Cats, boxes, bottles of poison, they’re all just a huge pile of subatomic particles, each following these seemingly nonsensical rules.    They’re just organized in such a way that they give rise to bigger rules that make more sense to us.    Things like classical mechanics, chemical reactions, cats liking to be inside boxes, and so on.   As Erwin Schrödinger put it:

“It is typical of these cases that an indeterminacy originally restricted to the atomic domain becomes transformed into macroscopic indeterminacy, which can then be resolved by direct observation. That prevents us from so naïvely accepting as valid a "blurred model" for representing reality. In itself, it would not embody anything unclear or contradictory. There is a difference between a shaky or out-of-focus photograph and a snapshot of clouds and fog banks.”

In other words, we see the world as discrete outcomes.  We read the black letters on the page, and not the indeterminate spaces in between, or the hazy, unfinished thoughts of the writer.  That doesn’t mean the words on the page aren’t legitimate, or that the passing thoughts of the writer don’t exist.   We have to accept the seeming contradiction of it.   

So what does this have to do with Alucard?   Well, Schrödinger (the furry, not the scientist) has the ability to be like one of these subatomic particles.   Our were-boy probably can’t be literally everywhere, but he has this probability region of places where he can be, and it seems to cover at least half the world.   He’s appeared in Brazil, London, Zorin Blitz’s psychic visions, and so on.  He’s been shot twice in this story, but he just reappears like nothing happened to him at all.   It’s not like he teleported away in the nick of time, either.    We’ve seen his head burst open like a ripe melon.   Like Schrödinger’s cat in the thought experiment, he can be alive or dead at any given moment, so killing him doesn’t actually matter.  Warrant Officer Schrödinger can do all of this and he’s conscious of this ability.   So as long as he’s aware of himself, he can observe himself and direct himself to be in any location he so chooses. 

I would think getting shot in the face would interfere with this ability to control his power, but that’s probably where his werewolf nature comes in.   Like the Captain, he can grow back from a nasty headwound, so that gives him time to picture himself someplace else, and in better health.   Now that I think about it, that must have been a silver knife he used to cut his own head off.  

So when Alucard drank all that blood, he drank Schrödinger’s too, and just like when he drank Rip van Winkle’s blood and got the power to fire that magic musket, Alucard absorbed Schrödinger’s ability to be “everywhere and nowhere”.  Except that power only works when Schrödinger himself is conscious of it. And he’s not conscious of it anymore because he’s part of Alucard now.  Alucard might figure out how to control this power, but until he does, he can’t choose a location and be in that one place.   Instead, he’s “everywhere and nowhere” all the time.  So he’s experiencing all of his past moments simultaneously, with no control over his current position.  

That sounds bad, right?  Well it gets worse.   He drank all those other dead people’s blood too, so on top of his own perception, he has the perceptions of all 3 million plus of the souls he’s consumed.   So that just further complicates matters.   The bottom line is that Schrödinger’s ability is fundamentally incompatible with Alucard’s existence as a composite being made up of multiple absorbed lives. 

And since Alucard can’t just cough up Schrödinger’s blood, it’s too late now.   He’s got Schrödinger’s ability and he’s stuck with it, but he can’t control it, which means he just winks out of existence.   As the Major puts it, he’s now neither live nor dead nor undead.   He’s become like a series of imaginary numbers.  You’ll need to look that one up on your own time, folks, I spent enough time talking about quantum mechanics.

And you have to hand it to Kouta Hirano, this is a really clever way to bring down an overpowered seinen manga protagonist.  This whole time, all of these lower villains acted like they could just beat down Alucard if they applied enough brute force, but that was never going to get the job done.   For the purposes of this story, Alucard has been, almost by definition, unbeatable.   So the Major’s solution was to give him a new power, one that he would be unable to control.   It wouldn’t kill him, but killing Alucard seems like a fool’s errand anyway.  Instead, it just... makes Alucard go away, which is probably as close to destroying him as anyone could ever hope for.   He might still be alive in some semantic sense, but he can’t carry out his duties to Hellsing and the Crown, so the Major seems to have at least brought down what Alucard is expected to be. 

And there’s no way to stop it, because it’s already happened.  Integra commands him to stay, but it’s useless.  I like the way he signs off in the dub of the OVA, where he apologizes to Integra and says this is one order he cannot obey.  It’s just out of his hands.  

Then he vanishes, and all that’s left of Alucard is a bloody mark on the street, shaped like the Hellsing insignia on his gloves.   

Wait, so does this affect Seras too, since she was Alucard’s servant vampire?  Remember, way back in Chapter 1, Integra said that killing the head vampire would automatically kill any ghouls or vampires he creates.   So maybe Seras is gone too?

Hell naw.    Seras joins Integra in the Major’s command center, and she looks like she’s ready for some revenge.  Does she know what’s just happened?  I mean, she was furious at the Major to begin with, but she sensed Alucard’s return a while back when he floated up the Thames River.  Surely she sensed her own vampire dad winking out of existence.

Meanwhile, Walter had a front-row seat for Alucard’s disappearance.   At first he laughs with triumph.   I guess he must be giddy with relief, since he wanted to kill Alucard, and for a minute there it looked like Alucard had him dead to rights.   Imagine a guy’s about to murder you and then he just ceases to exist.   But it doesn’t take long for Walter to realize how hollow this all is.  He wanted to kill Alucard himself, and he bet everything just to get that one opportunity, and now he’s failed and he’ll never get another chance.   His body is giving out and he’s betrayed everyone who ever cared about him and he’s got nothing to show for it.   

Then Heinkel starts shooting at him with a sniper rifle.  Yeah, she never left the battlefield after Walter killed Yumiko.   The Captain stopped her from interfering before, but the Captain’s dead now and I guess she figures she’s got nothing to lose by trying again.   And I suppose the sniper act proves she’s learned from Yumiko’s fatal mistake.   Attacking Walter up close is dangerous.   

At first, Walter seems to invite this.   He even invites Heinkel to shoot him a few more times, as it’s a fitting punishment for a traitor.   If you’ve only seen the TFS Abridged version of Hellsing, they actually use this as Walter’s death scene, but in the original version Walter takes a few bullets and then leaves.  He says Heinkel can shoot him, but she doesn’t get to kill him.   I don’t think she even heard him say that, but whatever.

Instead, he uses his wires to board the Major’s airship one last time.

So remember how the Major was protected from Integra by a reinforced glass barrier?   Yeah, well Seras finds an 88mm cannon and shoots through it.   It also shoots through the hull of his ship and rings a large bell on the outskirts of town.   Right before she shoots, Integra orders Seras to “Search and Destroy” just like she always told Alucard.    It’s kind of sad, but Seras has automatically succeeded her master as Integra’s weapon.  I mean, it’s a triumph for Seras, but it comes at a heavy price for her.   She’s probably too enraged by what’s happened to appreciate this moment on all these other levels, but there’ll be time for that.

So there’s no way the Major could survive a cannon like that at pointblank range, right?   Wrong, the dude’s a fucking cyborg, and I guess Seras’ aim was a little off.   I suppose the downside to using big-ass guns is that you have trouble aiming at small targets.   Wait, no, what happened to all that “third eye” stuff from before?   What’s wrong with you, Victoria?  

Oh wait, she missed because she’s sad.    Aw... :`(

So we knew the Major had to be something to have survived this long without aging, but we had already learned he wasn’t a vampire.   He insists that he is still human, however, no different from a man with a pacemaker or an artificial limb.   His mind remains his own, even if it should be a brain in a life support system or backed up on a computer.   I’m not sure if either of these describes the status of the Major’s brain, but to his point, it doesn’t really matter.  He describes himself as Alucard’s polar opposite.  While Al is this beautiful monster who masquerades as a human, the Major is a human who resembles the grotesque form of a monster.   I’m not body-shaming the dude, I’m just reporting what he’s saying.  He’s taken a few fat jokes in stride, and I guess he’s got the same attitude about his cyborg body too.  He doesn’t seem to care if others find this unpleasant, because it’s better than being a vampire with a diluted self.

Arguably, this whole campaign to destroy Alucard was the Major’s effort to prove his claim on being human.   Alucard often said that only a human could defeat a monster like him, and the Major beat him, so doesn’t that prove he’s a human in the end?  

So Integra whips out her other gun, the one she didn’t use to shoot at the Major’s glass case, and they start shooting each other at pointblank range.   The Major’s a terrible shot, though, and yet somehow he manages to take out one of Integra’s eyes before she puts a bullet in his forehead.   I still don’t understand how you can shoot someone in the eye and not kill them.   Did the bullet just angle away from her brain or is the Major’s gun just really weak on stopping power?  

Anyway, Integra’s shot kills the Major, but not right away, so I guess it’s not just his original brain in there.   He’s just thrilled to have finally hit something after a lifetime of terrible marksmanship.    It’s a fitting reflection of his win over Alucard, because he and the rest of Millennium were warriors who had never won a war before.   In the end, I’m not sure the Major would have been disappointed if his plan had failed.   He’d never won before, so I don’t think another defeat would have bothered him much.    As it is, he dies contentedly, satisfied with his “good war”.   What a shithead.

So yeah, we’ve got three more chapters to go and then we’re done.   See you next time.