#or maybe this is just normal and relatable and I’m pathologicing something everyone is doing

[trashbatistrash]

,

[taylortruther]

I know Taylor has references being a “people pleaser” in other instances, but I think in “you’re losing me” specifically that line holds a lot of insight into their relationship, or at least how Taylor perceived things at the time. Midnights positions her as being in this constant push and pull between what she wanted out of life (to be out in the world doing things, to get married and have kids) and what Joe stood for (being closed off from the world to a detriment, not needing “public approval”). Like I think stacked against his kind of standoffish mindset, she felt like she was this needy people pleaser (see “peace”: I talk shit with my friends, it’s like I’m wasting your honor). When in reality she just wanted to like…be out in the world? Get married to her partner of over 6 years? Totally normal stuff. And now with Travis saying how she just gets along with everyone in his life, fits in with his friends and family at the football games—her ability to socialize and have a good time is seen as something normal and an asset rather than “people pleasing”. Joe was such a big part of her belief system at the time, so when he wouldn’t adjust to her (completely normal) desires and growth, I think whatever he wouldn’t do she inherently felt bad about needing (also see Lavender Haze: acting like it’s fine that they aren’t married when that was what she really wanted). And like who knows if he said or did anything specific to make her feel this way, but I think it just became another way they were ultimately incompatible. His refusal to adapt made her kind of sour against herself and had her clawing at the walls of their relationship, until she realized that what she wanted wasn’t crazy. It was normal.

oooh very good thoughts here bestie, especially with lavender haze (biggest cope? perhaps.)

the line seems to imply that he saw it was people pleasing (like, a damaging emptiness she had to fill with other's approval and validation, one he couldn't relate to at all) and she just wanted him to see and accept all parts of her. in fact, the larger line, "i wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser, who only wanted you to see her" is full of self-loathing, implying agreement. like, you're right not to marry me because i am so damaged and maybe you're so Above It All, but all i wanted was for you to see me for who i am and love that entire person, not just some parts. i've been killing myself being your biggest cheerleader, so what about me?

like, it really just summarizes what happened post-2016. she felt so hurt, she thought she had to cut off that part of herself. and over time, as she healed, she realized she didn't have to. but joe, perhaps, could not do the same.

[eatanorange]

@ethan-elliott u r always pulling through with the tag games and I love that. its a silly little get to know me but I also overshare re:family grievances/trauma so I'll put it under here (no specifics, factual, lighthearted)

Origin of my username: it's pinned at the top of my page ;) This page was born from me struggling with being an autistic adult* & (re)learning skills I "should" already know and be able to do, like driving. When I forced myself to learn at the 'normal' age, I got into two accidents and pulled over before turning 18 (aka less than a full year) 😀 I still haven't tried the highway circa age 24, but from the ages of 18-23 I wasn't driving at all and I became homebound after I graduated college, then my mother decided to disclose to me the family history of agoraphobia after 23 years of 'damn why don't u just do things'. Eating an orange sounds so simple, doesn't it? Sometimes it is. It doesn't have to be that deep, though, maybe I want to encourage tumblr's vitamin C intake.

OTPs: u could convince me to like any ship if there's a specific claim to it (/gen). I do have a star tattoo for Jegulus though 😭😮‍💨

Favourite Colour: warm purples

Song Stuck In My Head: whatthehellishappening? by glass animals

Weirdest Trait: if you tell me your birthday and I like you even a little bit I will remember it. forever. I will *not* remember day of though bc I rarely know what day it physically is.

Hobbies: writing, gaming, drawing tarot cards based off shows, bit of MMA type exercises, fan editing, ......blogging.

Profession: I work in a pathology lab right now, I have also worked in biocontrol and environmental law research for my jobs in undergrad, I'm studying to be an information professional (magnus archives got to me)

Dream Job: ironic, given the agoraphobia spell, but I want a job where it's in the description/nature of the profession to curate community or add to a small community so, librarian. I have fantasized ab the barista life (fully convinced my disassociation is stronger than most mean customers).

Something I’m Good At: hallucinating spiders when I take melatonin

Something I Hate: people who conflate respect with authority, car infrastructure

Something I Collect: my contact lenses in a little bottle next to my bed

Something I Forget: the post about rosekiller I was going to make relating them to whatthehellishappening? by glass animals (stay tuned)

Love Language: idk how to answer this 🤗 it has varied amongst everyone, so I suppose whatever leads to knowing specifics about one another. Likely extends from quality time(?)

Favorite Movie/Show: jujutsu kaisen is Up There, I'm quite easy to please tho.

Favorite Food: garlic bread and chocolate cake/brownies 🫵🏼

Favorite Animal: love a panther, foxes, crows & hawks, will u accept giant silk moths as an animal?

What Was I Like As A Child: I was really mean with a lot of internalized biases and neglected mental illnesses/developmental differences. whenever someone talks about doing that exercise where you speak with your inner child mine is screaming and tearing me to shreds and calling me slurs, turning into an eldritch horror then breaking down sobbing. everyone say ✨thank you mother✨. I don't remember my childhood until I do <3. Azula from atla was my favorite character growing up if that helps with context. Like I wanted her to win.

Favorite School Subject: I am a nerd and a generalist how dare you ask me this question (/j)

Least Favorite Subject: it was history, but I think bc my district was bad at teaching it.

Best Character Trait: curious, patient

Worst Character Trait: spiteful, dismissive

Who Would I Meet if I Travelled Back in Time: my grandmother's parents before they fled The World War

anyone who wants to do this pls do and please tag me :)

[pear-pies]

Placebo in Rock & Folk magazine - April 2003

Words by Jerome Soligny, photos by Carole Epinette

Wonky translation under the cut:

These three did it all. Shot with the QOTSAs and posed with Indo. They survived "Velvet Goldmine" and the Top Bab. They come back after the ordeal of the fourth album. Danger interview: “Jerome, what if you came out?” They ask our charming reporter.

"We do not regret anything"

Everything begins again with "Bulletproof Cupid", a punky instrument that pulls everything off. Then "English Summer Rein", mechanico-depressive spinning punctuated by twisted keyboards, and "Sleeping With Ghosts", the lament which advances while blistering during cooking, confirm the tone. Against all expectations, because you never know how will age the groups that the previous album installed at the Top, Placebo took over. And stuffed it in an iron glove. Further on, "The Bitter End" tumbles through yapping guitars which would stick to the hatches the thickest of the sailors. Be careful, Placebo is on the way out of being one. At the end of the record, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal and Steve Hewitt do not even run out of steam. The cows. They drop a "Centerfolds" which frolic like a cynical top under a shower of saving doubts. What augur still other perspectives.

The fourth album: a horror for all who have faced it. Often a stupid trap. Returning from the Gothic directly inherited from the glam of pageantry and from these hasty and harmful certainties which congest the face and the veins, Placebo publishes its first real great disc. Oh, not the marvel of wonders, not the album from the third millennium, but something very strong, compact, tenacious in listening, which proves that the future is indeed there, in front, where the light is most blinding. Calfeucée in their Parisian hotel (the Costes, of course), our three lads do not make the blow of the revelation, of the luminous questioning. Simply, they now think with their heads, a good plan most often Likewise, reality no longer frightens them, and it is probably she who is hiding behind this "Sleeping With Ghosts" which relates the sorrows only for the better. melt into hopes At the moment when rock brings us back to life and when we just want to ask them everything, the Placebo have decided to say everything. Not even in a hurry, they settle down on the couch, ready to talk like never before. Despite new batteries embedded in the carcass, the Panasonic barely a Brian Molko: Hey Jerome, you came to talk to us this time when you had not come to the previous album ...

Rock & Folk: Uh yes but I was there for the first two, that says a lot, right?

Brian Molko: Certainly, I also believe that over time, we finally appreciate the true nature of the problem: we were mainly criticized for the sound of the previous album, which I can understand but, paradoxically, it is the one that brought us to the Top.

R&F: Legitimately, we have the right to expect a lot from the people we love: while "Black Market Music" sounded a bit like a sequel, this new record is all about a renaissance.

Brian Molko: Actually, we were finally able to live a little. After having existed in a small bubble for a very long time, we forced ourselves to take an eight-month break. The album-tour rhythm put us on the sidelines: we no longer had normal contact with anything. We were losing ourselves. We have fully lived the old cliché which claims that we spend the first years of our life writing a first record and six months on the second. It turned out to be very true. We had to get back to the situation of the first album, see friends, go shopping, look at the buildings in our city.

R&F: So the freshness would come from there ...

Brian Molko: Yes, and it was essential spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Steve Hewitt: We had to be in tune with reality again.

Brian Molko: In fact, we find ourselves in a bit of the same state of mind as when we released "Without You I'm Nothing", although "Sleeping With Ghosts" is a lot less gloomy. The heroin has since stopped leaking. In fact, I feel like I've pulled myself out of what I consider my second teenage years, between twenty and thirty. I conquered the self-destruction, exorcised some demons, understood what had happened to me. I held on to what I had learned. As a human being, I am now able to continue living, to try to answer the big questions posed by existence.

R&F: Maybe that's why the melodies are needed this time. It took me four records to get a favorite Placebo track.

The whole group in chorus: Which one?

R&F: "Protect Me From What I Want", of course ...

Brian Molko: The most paradoxical is that this song dates from the end of the "Black Market Music" sessions. I was not married at the time, but I was trying to get out of a particularly vicious divorce.just started. Then we wait for the lyrics, which don't arrive, it's rather intriguing. We especially wanted to avoid the big Rican producer side, we needed someone who shakes us up a bit. Jim could do that because he comes from dance and his pedigree is impressive. We have all his records at home, Bjôrk, Massive Attack, Sneaker Pimps and especially DJ Shadow. It is believed that guitar rock can only evolve by incorporating new genres, this is the only way to remain a modern rock band. At home, we practically only listen to hip hop.

R&F: Still, he didn't betray you.

Brian Molko: No because he actually brought out our rock side, which I'm particularly proud of. In fact, because we always wanted to control everything, it was not easy to be forced, to do certain things backwards, to walk on the head. But in truth, that's what we wanted: yes, there was some tension in the studio but we all took advantage of it. The challenge is necessary and it is also valid for the public. We opened up and rediscovered ourselves.

Stefan Olsdal (emerging from his chair): We found ourselves in front of the mirror, at the foot of the wall: someone had to kick our ass.

Brian Molko: Jim was like, "Why are you doing this?" We would answer him: "Because we always do it like that!" He would say: "All the more reason not to do it."

Stefan Olsdal: On the first day, he messed up all the demos, changed the tones, the tempos ...

R&F: Like Brian Eno ...

Steve Hewitt: Yeah, but with a lot more compassion. Eno is a bit (silence) ... We don't really like being told our actions, but at the same time, we are still young, still absorbing. Jim knew how to preserve us while making a modern sound.

R&F: Modern and rock'n'roll at the same time, a characteristic which does not necessarily apply to all the young groups in The which recycle the past gently but are convinced to have found the virus of the AIDS.

Steve Hewitt: Placebo doesn't belong to any current, has nothing to do with fashion.

R&F: You always pose as outsiders.

Brian Molko: It's the only way to survive.

Steve Hewitt: These bands, like The Strokes, play the nostalgia card.

Stefan Olsdal: And what happens next? I would not like to be in their place.

Brian Molko: If you want good New York pop, you better listen to Blondie.

R&F: In 2003, 11 seems that you have abandoned all the androgynous paraphernalia, sexual ambiguity, glam references ...

Brian Molko: I think today everyone knows what there is to know. Our sexual inclinations haven't changed, and we still wear makeup. It is just more expensive and better applied. We are ourselves, in our music and in private. I went through my travelo period (in French in the interview - Editor's note), and I understood that being androgynous was not wearing skirts. It is a way of being on the spiritual plane. It is not an image but a state of mind.

Steve Hewitt: It's like being punk, it's an attitude.

Brian Molko: At the same time, I don't regret any of my eccentricities. I grew up in the spotlight and it all kind of makes me smile.

Stefan Olsdal: People still talk to us about certain outfits or positions, as if it still shocks them.

R&F: Yes, and particularly in France, a particularly homophobic country which bumps heartily on gay artists.

Brian Molko: And you, coincidentally, you still hang out with.

Stefan Olsdal: Jérôme, it's coming out time (laughs) ...

Brian Molko: All that has to change, that all of France becomes gay (laughs)!

R&F: "Protect Me From What I Want" precisely, here is a title heavy with meaning. What was the idea behind this song?

Brian Molko: For me, it's a study of the pathological need people have to copulate, the search for meaning in copulation. As if bachelors or monogamists were aliens. As if we were only one when we were two. The song is about the fact that one relationship has destroyed me but I can't help but look for another ... why do I keep coming back to this?

R&F: Wow, we're bathing in philosophy here!

Brian Molko: Yes and it's the same elsewhere in the record: in "Plasticine", I insist on the fact that you have to be yourself above all while asking myself all these questions. Why do we have to do a lot of forbidden things, bad or harmful?

R&F: It's therapy in public.

Brian Molko: At least I find some balance in it. These are not songs about compassion or self-pity. They came out like this because it was vital for me. I am in this privileged situation where I can express myself and the world hears me. Otherwise, I would be really frustrated and I would have suffered a lot more in the last fifteen years.

R&F: Music saved your life.

Brian Molko: Sure.

Steve Hewitt: Everyone: I think we can say that. Without Placebo, we would not be not even alive.

Brian Molko: Spitting it all out is not necessarily the right solution. There are things with which to live. In fact, I've always been afraid to go see a psychiatrist ...

R&F: Yet, listening to you speak earlier, you could have the feeling that Jim Abiss acted a bit like a shrink with you.

Brian Molko: That's right. You could say that.

R&F: At a time when Bush and Blair want to play World War III, what attitude do you adopt? What do you think of these Englishmen who left for Iraq to constitute a human shield?

Brian Molko: Let's say we stand together. We participated in the March for Peace on February 14th with Damon Albarn and 3D from Massive Attack. We were also surprised that so few groups mobilized, which increased our desire to participate tenfold.

R&F: Do you consider that it is the role of the artist to give voice in such circumstances?

Steve Hewitt: Yes, in the sense that we can help with general motivation.

Brian Molko: I'm very interested in seeing if Blair is going to let Bush bomb Iraq with the British present on the soil of the country. If he ever allows that, the consequences will be dire.

R&F: It will only be one more religious war, in the name of oil and money ...

Brian Molko: It seems absurd that we can still fight for that. And curiously, nobody speaks more, or almost, of Bin Laden. Wouldn't it all come from him, by chance, as a huge consequence of September 11? On the other hand, we have such a feeling that Bush wants to finish the job that daddy started. Its image is so bad that it needs at least one war to restore its image.

Steve Hewitt: And reinvigorate its dying economy.

R&F: The method is lamentable, deceitful. Like those employed by the recording industry which claims to be doing well by selling pop in damaged boxes to ignoramuses.

Brian Molko: The ability of this job to ingest people, bribe them and then spit them out is impressive. This is what happened here at Canal +.R&F: Business is the beast.

Brian Molko: All these pre-made artists are young and naff ...

Steve Hewitt: They'll all end up in a labor camp for ex-pop stars.

R&F: Warhol was talking about fifteen minute glory, we're brutally passed to fifteen seconds.

Brian Molko: We should have called them Karaoke idols from the start.

Steve Hewitt: And it only works because of the TV ...

R&F: Who washes the poor, helpless brains.

Steve Hewitt: You can tell how much people want to think less

R&F: And spend less. For many, music should be free: one in five thirteen-year-olds doesn't know that a disc doesn't have to be a computer-burnt puck. Some are flabbergasted when they see a cover for the first time.

Stefan Olsdal: And those who don't buy records put pressure on those who have them to pass them on at all costs, just long enough to copy them.

R&F: Exactly.

Brian Molko: That's why we blame Robbie Williams so much. Scooping 80 million pounds off EMI and then declaring that pirating music is a fantastic thing just makes him want to stick a chunk in his face.

R&F .: And then piracy is not a matter of environment. It's not a suburban thing. There are rich kids who find it normal to burn 80 CDs during their weekend and sometimes sell them to their friends ...

Brian Molko: What do these people believe? That we are there, the face in the stream with a syringe stuck in the arm singing "La Vie En Rose"? And who will pay for our children's school? Not them, anyway. Our mentality is quite different: we always want to buy records from people we love, from our friends. Personally, we are partly out of the woods, but it will be particularly difficult for new groups to make a living from music in five or ten years.

R&F: Come on, we're not going to leave each other on this, a little humor won't hurt anyone. If you were to be banned from any of these three things, which would you choose: making music, making money or making love?

Steve Hewitt (almost tit for tat): I would stop making money, without hesitation. It's because I love music and sex too much. And then, well, you have to choose.

Brian Molko (completely overwhelmed): Oh damn, that's not true. What a dilemma!

R&F: No Brian, that doesn't count, make an effort (laughs).

Brian Molko: Ah, I don't know. And then if. I would stop making money and get on well with someone super rich.

R&F: Or you would be pimp ...

Brian Molko: Yes, that's it. Good plan.

Stefan Olsdal: Stop making love does not mean to stop loving ...

Brian Molko (preparing his shot): And we can always masturbate (general laughter).

Stefan Olsdal: OK then, I would stop making love.

R&F: Okay, it will be written in black and white for all eternity.

Brian Molko: Will we live long enough to regret it? This is the real question.

*COLLECTED BY JEROME SOLIGNY

[Inset, Trash Palace]

Already present on the first album by Trash Palace which he had adorned with his presence one unhealthy recovery of "I Love You, Me No More "in duet with Asia Argento, Brian Molko is coming to re-stack. This time he cosigns directly "The Metric System " with Dimitri Trash Palace Tikovoi, an electro saw boosted to bleeps fundamentals available in two remix and its clip on an enhanced single recently published at Discograph. The result is particularly (d) amazing and sounds good logical, like of Placebo cyber.Placebo in  Rock & Folk magazine - April 2003

[pluraldeepdive]

The Website That Started Natural Multiplicity

Disclaimer: This is a post covering a deep dive of archived events that took place in the past. DO NOT harass or send hate towards anyone mentioned.

Introduction

So, who came up with natural multiplicity? When I’ve asked this question, most people reply by saying “Nobody! It’s always existed!” But that’s not exactly what I was asking them. Sure, the experience has always existed, I agree with them there. But what I’m asking about is the name! Someone was experiencing or observing something and then they put a name to it. They decided to name it natural multiplicity—so who did that? Who came up with that? 

Through my deep dive, I ended up finding the answer for myself.

As you may have read in one of my previous posts, multiplicity and multiple personality were terms that were often used interchangeably prior to the 21st century. They were used exclusively in reference to DID (more often called MPD at the time). Their origins are clinical, and they also held a lot of importance to the pre-Internet and early Internet dissociative community. (See my post on that here.) During this time, multiplicity and multiple personality meant a trauma-based dissociative disorder. The term natural multiplicity did not exist at that time—at least not in any relation to DID.

Prior to the term natural multiplicity, discussions about multiplicity being natural were usually discussions about how it’s natural to dissociate after trauma. Whenever someone mentioned that multiplicity was not a disorder to them, it was usually because the terms disorder or even MPD/DID had negative connotations to them, because they personally didn’t want to identify with medical terminology for other reasons, because they were not personally distressed by their alters, or because they had reached a stage in recovery where they were no longer struggling—not because they saw the experience as inherently non-dissociative or non-traumagenic.

But someone came along and kickstarted a changed in that narrative. This person was experiencing something that they felt wasn’t trauma-based or dissociative...and believed that it was the same multiplicity that everyone else was referring to as trauma-based and dissociative. This person decided to take that concept and redefine it to be inherently not trauma-based, not dissociation, and not pathological.

So, who was that person? Who decided to name something that was very obviously not DID the equivalent to natural DID? Well, your answer is: Astraea’s Web. 

Evidence & Archives

Evidence of this wasn’t really hard to come by because, well...they’ve talked it! While they don’t go around bragging about it, it’s certainly come up a fair amount of times. Other people have talked about it, as well.

“The concepts of natural multiplicity and healthy multiplicity are very new. We only introduced them about ten years ago on our website, and while several other websites exist now and plenty of online multiples know about these ideas (whether they agree with them or not), this is still a very small subset of the online multiplicity community, which is a very small subset of multiples in general. Most people do not know about these ideas because they haven’t been publicised enough; that is what Pavilion is for, but it’s gotten off to a very slow start.” - From Bluejay Young (a member of Astraea Household) on Livejournal Multiplicity. (2005)

“Astraea’s page was the first multiplicity page that was NOT about DID.” - From Amorpha System on Livejournal Multiplicity. (2005)

“(1995) Astraea’s Web, the first Internet website to describe non-disordered and self-recognized multiplicity, goes online in September.” - From Multiple Personality Controversy on Psychology Wikia (2006)

“I’m also putting Astraea’s Web back in. It was the first website to propose the idea of healthy multiplicity.” - From Bluejay Young (a member of Astraea Household) on the DID/MPD Controversy Wikipedia discussion. (2007)

“It’s important to allow the concept to be inclusive of everyone who fits, regardless of past abuse history or origins, much as is currently being done for ‘multiplicity.’” - From Anthony Temple (a member of Astraea Household) on “A brief history of midcontinuum”. (2007)

And, yes, this all checks out. During my deep dive, I could find no website that existed before Astraea’s Web that talked about multiplicity/DID as something natural; natural meaning not trauma-based, not dissociative, and not pathological in their own words. Here are my posts on how they introduced natural multiplicity to the Internet:

Their first theory. (1998 or earlier)

How natural multiplicity went from a theory to a fact. (2000)

When they began separating multiplicity from DID. (1999)

Boycotting DID. (2000-2003)

But it’s also important to hear it straight from the source. The archived essay “What a long, strange trip it’s been...” was published sometime in 2002 or possibly earlier. In this, members of Astraea Household reflected on their journey to joining the dissociative community, realizing that they were actually not dissociative, and introducing their idea of natural multiplicity to the Internet.

Part 1 (Discovering DID & their multiplicity)

Part 2 (Coming out & wanting DID normalized)

Part 3 (Experiences in the dissociative community, doubt, introducing natural multiplicity, & backlash)

Part 4 (The empowered multiple community)

My Thoughts

Obviously, natural multiplicity has evolved and changed so much over time. Present day non-dissociative plurality is so different from its origin! It’s like a dinosaur versus a duck. One comes from the other, and there are similarities, but they shouldn’t be looked at like the same exact thing. Even though the term natural multiplicity has died out, and it’s ableist as Hell, I still find its origins so fascinating and I hope that you guys can agree.

Like I’ve stated several times before, I don’t fault people much for their past actions. The times and circumstances were very, very different. DID research back then was bare bones, filled with inaccuracies, and being bombarded with controversy and skepticism. Also, Astraea’s Web has always presented itself as an anti-psych website so it’s not that much of a surprise that they were against diagnoses.

While I personally do not agree with how Astraea Household went about certain things, I could also empathize with the situation that led up to them coining natural multiplicity. Astraea Household’s journey read to me like a story of misdiagnosing a self-diagnosis...a mis-self-diagnosis?

Sometimes people self-diagnose because it feels like a certain disorder is the only explanation they have for their experiences. It can be frightening if that one explanation turns out to not be the answer—ESPECIALLY if you got heavily involved in communities related to that disorder.

If I self-diagnosed DID but then later realized that I didn’t relate to its causation or symptoms that much, then I’d probably just think I was experiencing something else. I wouldn’t be so inclined to think that it was the professionals who were completely wrong...but what if DID was the closest explanation I had for my experiences? What if most of my friends were in the dissociative community? What if me being multiple was a big part of my closest relationships? What if I had been telling people I was multiple for years and years? What if I had a hugely successful website on me being multiple? What if I had a big influence on the dissociative community? What if my entire career revolved around me being multiple? Damn, maybe I would have come up with natural multiplicity as well in that case. (Not saying this is why Astraea Household did it.)

Anyways, please go and make your own opinions on this stuff. That’s why I share it.

[illnessfaker]

someone tagged my "pathologizing normal behavior" post w "something that's easy to do with both mental illness and physical illness" and uhh i gotta personally disagree at the very least 'cause like like. ime psychological behavior as related to non-physical neurodivergence is usually marked as abnormal in one way or another, even if not directly acknowledged as such and even w people saying things like "everyone's a little adhd/ocd" or whatever those same people will like, probably still treat you like a "weirdo" for exhibiting traits associated w those diagnoses. that doesn't mean to say a similar thing doesn't happen sometimes w physical conditions e.g. "everyone goes through that suck it up" and then being punished for whatever it is in some way later anyways.

maybe i'm bias due to medical neglect but a lot of the things irt my physical conditions that i was led to believe were just me pathologizing a normal bodily response to a poor diet and lack of exercise were indeed clinical signs of said conditions. i thought it was "normal" for my knees to feel like they were sliding in and out of place. i thought it was "normal" to not tolerate being able to stand in place for a prolonged period of time like in church. i thought it was "normal" to have chest pain after exercise. i thought it was "normal" that i was prone to experiencing presyncope at my first job where i worked on my feet and usually in the heat, mostly standing in place, where one time the medical staff asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital due to my blood pressure being so low. i thought it was "normal" for my heart to feel as if it was repeatedly skipping a beat during menstruation. turns out...none of that was "normal" and i'm rly sick lmfao. i've seen a lot more people mistaking "normal" personality traits for "abnormal" psychological pathology than i've seen people mistaking "normal" bodily responses and events for biological pathology.

this same thing definitely occurs w non-physical neurodivergence but ime i feel it most acutely w my physical problems. maybe it's based off my upbringing because my mother had me evaluated for mental stuff repeatedly and took that seriously most of the time (barring adhd and autism) since she was a certified crazy(tm) so that i got dx'd with most stuff early on but i was ignored by both parents irt physical stuff. i remember my dad denying me pain medicine when i would get bad headaches as a young kid because he didn't believe me. even to this day while i'm pursuing diagnoses and adequate treatment my mom still shoots me down when it comes to physical problems and blames it on my mental diagnoses, so i'm possibly coming from a biased position due to those experiences.

[hannahstudyblrr]

Online Schooling Advice

Hi all,

I have not been active on this platform in many moons, but I feel like as someone who has ample experience with online distance learning, hybrid learning, and reverse-the-classroom settings, I could give some advice to those who are not as accustomed to this type of school experience. Please be aware that I am NOT an aesthetic blog, its just never been my type of thing to upkeep, and I’m not perfect so these may seem a bit unconventional compared to what other studyblrs are out there saying, but these tips helped me graduate magna cum laude with my associates degree, so maybe they'll be helpful. 

1) Find your space. 

It can be any space, one that works for you. For myself, I have a desk in my bedroom but I mentally decided long ago that my bedroom would be for sleeping purposes only. My space is the living room couch and coffee table. Albeit not the most ergonomic especially in my career path, but it has worked for me for the past 5 years. Keep it as distraction free as possible. Even though you're at home, your lecturer still demands your 100%. 

2) Keep it comfy. 

Many people say that to put yourself in a productive mindset, you must not study in your PJ’s; Being in regular clothes will make it less likely that you'll just relax all day and get nothing done. *I think that’s BS* Because if you have the discipline, you can be productive in anything you wear. But if changing into better clothes works for you, by all means do it. But I don’t think sitting for 3 hours of oral pathology lecture in blue jeans made oral pathology any more enjoyable or gave me a heightened sense of focus, compared to when I just showed up to class braless, in a sweatshirt, and in leggings. 

3) Pomodoro. 

A pomodoro set to any time you want is how I took the last 5 years of college by storm. Some say to schedule your pomodoros for 30-45 minutes with a small break. That doesn't do it for me. If I am taking notes or studying, I’m in it for the long haul. I get really into taking my material at the 20 minute mark, if my pomodoros were 30-45 minutes, I wouldn't get anything done. I set those puppies up for 1 hour plus a 15 minute break. I can get much more done. 

4) To Do lists:

To do lists are basically how I kept myself sane when schooling online. I do my to-do lists Dave Ramsey style (a debt snowball style), meaning that you knock off the easiest activities first. For me, say last semester my Sunday to do list looked like this:

-Dental Materials: Vocab Crossword Puzzle(s) -Process of Care: Answer Learning Objectives for Exam 2 -Pre-clinic: Write reflection on how pre-clinic went.  -Radiology: Normal Radiographic Anatomy Study Guide

Then I would rearrange it to whatever was easiest first, and most lengthy down the list. 

1) Preclinic reflection. 2) Materials: CW puzzle(s) 3) Rad: Anatomy SG. 4) POC-Objectives. 

Do the easier stuff first because if you did it in reverse, you’d be too mentally burnt out to do the easy stuff. It was a good way for me to bang out multiple things in a few hours. 

5) Go outside.

This one is a little more risky business with quarantine mandates in place, but you dont need to go downtown for a coffee or hang out with friends, anything like sitting on the porch for a little bit or even going out for a drive in a nice part of town, or going for a walk at a place where not many people check out. I often compare myself to a dog because I need to go out for my daily walks, especially if it is a nice day. I have a visceral need to go out and do something or else no matter how academically productive I was that day, as far as I’m concerned it was a waste of a day. Doing something, anything non-school related to relax is good, it’s healthy, it’s encouraged. 

6) Music. 

Ironically at my school, the library is treated like a cafeteria. Everyone goes there to hang out, talk, screech, eat, and make a lot of noise. So Ive gotten into the idea of using background noise. Any noise will do if you feel like you can concentrate with it. Coffee shop jazz doesn’t do it for me, but here are a few that I’ve used and they do a great job at helping me focus. 

Piano Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XULUBg_ZcAU 

Brown Noise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqzGzwTY-6w&t=14420s

Celtic Harp Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiqlZZddZEo&t=5112s

Binaural Beats: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1qQ5EAUt6s&list=LL19X2J0sMf8j8y7bLwGLc9Q&index=49&t=4042s

More Binaural Beats: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2RvqKCn7S4&list=RDu2RvqKCn7S4&start_radio=1&t=0

[2ofswords]

I think I kind of figured out why I sympathize with Dankovsky so goddamn much. (I mean... aside from him being a really interesting and amazing character, but almost all of the Patho characters are so that’s not really an argument.) And interestingly enough, a lot about it has to do with his character flaws and how they make a character not only more appealing or interesting but sympathetic as well.

Firstly, I think it is exactly the lack of empathy and his concentration on general topics as well as the tunnel vision that really gets me. I would still call myself a compassionate person but also a very theoretic one and an abstract idealist that dreams of things that has problems to stay in everyday life and also to connect with people. Like... keeping contact is hard for me and I know that I am the person who needs to be approached in the first place to name an example. So the struggle to do good and help people while not noticing the here and now or having trouble continuing close relationships really gets me. The question what to do if you mostly have the big picture in mind and if abstract ideals can do you any good is so important to me because I’m anxious about the same thing and think about it a lot. (It’s also why I always feel a bit uncomfortable when people are acting like forgetting about these close relationships means not caring at all. Totally get seeing him this way and everyone can interpret a character however they want, but… Ouch. That one hits too close to home!) 

The second point is high ambition. Trying to do things perfectly and setting ambitions so high and precise (or being hold to these ambitions) that you just cannot archive them at all. Setting yourself up for constant failure and seeming arrogant and foolish while doing so. That is also a character flaw of mine and probably the reason I’m a firm believer that ideals do help even if they are not archivable at all because they make you strive to do better. Having lofty ambitions and suffering for them is just very relatable to me and I refuse to not see any good in it.

I really love the exploration of those topics and I also love how both of these aspects of Dankovsky hinder him and sometimes lead him into fucking disaster. It’s really good storytelling and I love how the game doesn’t pull any punches. That is another thing I love about his character but also about the game in general. They make an intelligent and arrogant character but what normally is the Sherlock Holmes that everyone sucks up to, the tendency not depicted as clever but he is mercilessly beaten into the ground for it. Because… yeah. You piss people off, if you act like you’re better than them and throw around oneliner like they’re candy. (And no, I don’t think it’s always ill intended at all.) It’s a really good subversion of this specific character trope and I genuinely do think his struggle with it makes not only the narrative but also Dankovsky himself way more sympathetic. (I genuinely believe the reactions to a character can be as important than the character themselves for developing sympathy and engagement because interaction and therefore development is always two-sided.) The consequences to his tone can strike back twice as bad and it develops a genuine character flaw but also is deeply sympathetic at the same time. (Day 1 in the Haruspex route comes to mind, where literally everyone trashtalks the Bachelor and sometimes it’s like “Man, he really did a lot of shit really quickly” but sometimes it's also like “Oh my god, you probably didn’t even meet him, how has the town this opinion after he was there like five hours??? That’s horrible, poor guy!”) It paints the character as human and flawed but rooted in this world.

The same goes with the other flaws. I like that they are harshly punished and lead into fucking disaster! But I also feel for him because of this. Having him trying to engage with his own actions because of this harsh reaction and reality is way more sympathetic than just hearing someone being cool without facing any consequences. He has a struggle and boy does he struggle with his flaws and this is why I want him to succeed in the first place! And even if I do not relate (which in this case of prickliness I actually do not… though I can get pretty pretentious I guess…), I love to see it! (And Dankovsky (and Patho-characters in general) being dynamic throughout the story actually helps this matter a lot!) I love him and wish him the best and I actually am invested in him as a good person for this exact reason! Because I genuinely want to engage with the good sides of him because of his struggles. I want to see, how there is something good to be found in them.

So what do I want to say with this? Mostly that I really love Daniil Dankovsky and I think he is amazing as well as amazingly flawed, and still manages to be humane and engaging. But what I also figured out with these vague musings is, that the flaws of a character and our engagement with them as well as our sympathy with their consequences can be a big part about liking a character. They’re not a counterweight to their strengths for some realism reason, they are as engaging and important. It is inspiring to see someone succeed, but seeing someone with relatable or interestingly described problems – even and maybe especially self-made ones! – struggle with them can make us care about them more and not less and actually make us sympathize with them. Showing the problems that we feel for as well as the good or the potential development that come with character traits (since a lot of traits have their good as well as their bad sides), are not only equally important but a big part about our emotional bond. We do not only need to laugh and condemn character flaws, sometimes we can go “yeah, I relate to this and like the character even more. I want to see them as positive despite this flaw, I want to see them get better and focus on the positives, exactly because they have this specific thing they need to work through!”) It’s not necessarily ignoring that but engaging with it out of compassion and/or relating to their struggles. And a lot of struggles and negatives come with positives that will inspire us even more with both flaw and virtue creating consequences. I think about Dankovsky’s tunnel vision as much as I’m inspired by his determination. I feel for his lack of connection as much as I love his idealism and dreams. And I want to actively think that something good can come out of this, that there is change and ways to get better and work out these flaws. And I want to highlight that what he is doing can be worthwhile, that there is good inside him despite these flaws. That is what character sympathy is for me.

But of course, this way of relating to a character is deeply personal. I’m not saying that this is the right way to interpret Dankovsky, it’s just my way of engaging with his character and the reason I find him compelling. And judging someone for the bad things they do (for example judging Dankovsky for wanting to destroy the town) and not engaging with their flaws is completely valid as well. People find different character traits engaging! I know some Patho characters where I cannot get over their flaws and actions but completely get why some people find them compelling for the exact reason I cannot sympathize. I just thought it says something interesting about character engagement in general. Pathologic is really good with showcasing struggles and being harsh about the characters flaws but compassionate about their humanity at the same time. It’s painting a very nuanced picture that cannot be categorized in “good” or “evil” this easily and I think this is why I love a lot of their characters so goddamn much.

[homosexualcolombus]

unsolicited online dating advice

let's be real, i was just as blindsided as the next person and had no clue that a few months into this wretched year of our lorde 2020 we would be living through a major historical event that is the outbreak of the covid-19 pandemic. so now, i'm home from university with nothing else to do, stuck in quarantine with no idea how long it would last. couple that with the fact that i am a complete gen z stereotype in the sense that i am always glued to my phone and my laptop, talking to strangers on the internet and broadcasting every single vapid detail of my relatively uninteresting life to a just-as-uninterested audience, and you have yourself a recipe for disaster.

two weeks and a thousand pages into the pornhub home page later, i got tired of the rinse and repeat and decided i wasn't gonna be that bitch who gets carpal tunnel less than a month into quarantine. question is, where would i put all the pent-up sexual frustration into now that the sweet release of pulling the padge is no longer an option? the answer? tinder.

by the time i finally got used to the sour taste that "e-dating" brings to my mouth, i realized i needed a game plan.

don't get me wrong, i'm no stranger to tinder and online dating, and i'm not even kidding when i say it's legitimately a war zone out there. god forbid u get hit by a stray hormone in the battlefield (in which case, f in the chat for our fallen soldier). but with the current situation in mind i knew i wasn't going into just any regular battle, hell not even a regular hunger games, but a full blown quarter quell.

this, of course, led me to convening a meeting with my two remaining brain cells: dumb and dumber. now the last thing dumb "retained" was a stupid ad from a youtube video: an e-toro ad. normally i would have dismissed that stupid idea (if you can even call it that) but given the shortage of manpower i decided to look at it in a different way. which then led me to thinking of approaching dating as a marketing strategy (which, by the way, whew! big reach. so glad i stretched before that one). in the vein of the ad topic, dumber decided to regurgitate the memory of an old tv commerial from my head.

tinder. meet, chat, date. olx. hanap, usap, deal.

see the difference between the two? yeah no, me neither.

so now i'm on board, even though i was totally not expecting to get a sensible idea from dumb and dumber. the problem is, how the fuck do i market myself as a person desirable enough to make people want to buy into the fantasy?

i tried forcing myself to remember every single econ related lecture and every single experience i had in grade school where i was forced to sell shit for grades until i've finally managed to unleash my inner entrepreneur. she came and she came ready. the bitch even brought with her a checklist so you know she means business (also because she's a capricorn, and they're all anal like that)

1. branding

i would be the first person to tell you my name is very pedestrian... the kind of pedestrian who's unlucky enough to be collateral damage in a freaky car accident. i have a white person's name too (christopher!!! yes as in colombus aka the world-renowned caucasian colonizer) so i'd say i'm not doing so hot in the branding department.

inner entrepreneur's solution? a nickname. one unique enough that it catches someone's attention, but not quirky enough to make them think your parents are hippies. in the end i chose toph, because it's not THAT common, and it gives the hot normies an opening to make avatar: the legend of aang puns so overall a win-win.

2. aesthetics

the mirror is not my friend, and nor is the camera. i'm what you would categorize as "aesthetically challenged"ㅡ in short, i'm ugly. but this aspect i wasn't really too worried about because i wasn't born yesterday. appearances, especially in photos, are easy to enhance. i knew my good angles and with the help of a few filters and good lighting i was all set. it also helps that i have an android phone because let's be real, who wants to look clapped in hd? certainly not me! i believe beauty is in the eye of the cctv footage quality selfie.

android - 1 apple - 0

3. product integrity

don't pretend to be something you're not because that jig gets real old real fast. i'm the type of person who likes to lay out all my cards on the table, and in that spirit, i'm upfront and honest to my matches about being a pathological liar. it's fun making them squirm by letting them second guess everything i say as they desperately try to decipher what i am and i'm not lying about. plus, everytime i feel the conversation slipping into snoozefest territory, i just say something wayyyy out of pocket and it shoots the conversation right back to party city! is it real, or did i make it up, who cares? who says i don't know how to keep a relationship spicy?

4. advertising

no, pleb, this does not mean you should buy tinder gold (unless you're an incel, in which case, be my guest). what this means is that i swiped religiously. i made sure i reached my like limit early so that i get maximum engagement by the time the 12-hour timer resets. the more users i liked, the more chances my profile appears in their cards, and in this house, we love good exposure!

so now you've read this far and you might be wondering, is this method successful? can i apply this to me too? and let me be the first to tell you it isn't. i would NOT have made a whole blog post and posted it on the internet for free for everyone to see if it did. the point here is that if you've read this far and thought "well maybe this can work" then i've successfully managed to waste a good few minutes of your time (or maybe not few, idk how fast you read), which in the age of quarantine, is a commodity you're bound to have too much of.

now, i believe a thank you is in order?

[lookwhatilost]

breadtube types love to think that every proud boy kind of dude was, at some point, 1 good conversation away from leaning left at some angle, fully ignoring the elephant in the room – their dad's failing small business they feel entitled to inherit bc they're NOT working class.

to me, the big question is why are the breadtubers so afraid of drawing a line in the sand? why are they afraid of the possibility (inevitability) of irreconcilable material interests? have they never worked fast food or retail? this shit is so obvious. nazis are pretty much all rich. and if they're not "cash rich" they're property rich, which actually is not a lesser kind of rich. they stand to inherit something, a business or some rentals etc. if they're not part of haute bourgeoisie they're part of petit bourgeoisie which, it turns out, is still the bourgeoisie.

idk why i expose myself to this garbage. i hate anything even marginally sympathetic to these pieces of shit. if a white person whose only difference from them is sexual orientation & gender can turn out like me, it's pretty clear what the problem is so fuck any angle on how they're actually innocent uwu. ultimately i find it so offensive & fash-sympathetic (thus fascist) to say only thing separating me from them is ideology. yeah okay w/e we're all cis people etc, but they dnt work for a living, and if you ignore that shit you legitimize their framing of themselves as normal. if you rly want to pull people in that minuscule population of fence-riders leftwards in a meaningful sense you'd make them confront the fact that their class is condemned to die by history & their only hope is to betray it. if they can't agree to that, what use are they to us?

the lack of instrumental thinking is epidemic in rhetoric-obsessed communities. what utility comes from delivering another slur-vomiting cracker parroting chan memes to The Left? we have to constantly police the mf? we hold his hand until he predictably becomes an "ex-sjw"? sometimes (usually) the people who are engaged and on the border enough that they "might" have "potentially" become reluctant communists are best used as fertilizer for the gardens that provide employment to the people we serve who never ever considered being goddamn nazis.

if you insist on climbing all the way down into hell to rescue a few of the demons, you simply cannot come back to earth pretending you brought us angels, much less that you have not experienced, yourself, why they wanted to be in hell. it's silly vestigial christian cultural bullshit to see any kind of value in rescuing a fascist from themself. in practical reality, you are simply forcing naturally decent people to put up with indefinite burden of a whiny shit whose life helps working ppl less than their death. happy to agree that "privilege" analysis provides a decent framework for priority. all else being equal a more marginalized person makes for a "more revolutionary" leader, etc. this is not reconcilable with the opinion that we should recruit reluctant defectors from enemy classes as active members, much less leaders, of our orgs. idk where the pathological desire to win the enemy over comes from but it is absolutely suicidal. regardless of the organization in question, any people who joined it reluctantly should be paying their dues, not defining the agenda

you could prob convince Logic/Reason Leftists of practical immutability of material interest if you had data on nazis being wealthy but of course they trust nazis' self-reporting & nazis always do stonetoss shit linking their own lawyer-son asses to off-color construction workers. and i’m using using "nazi" ~liberally~ in this offhand opinion, bc to me, any settler-colonial fascist is a nazi, and anything that would make them "more like", idk, an italian neo-fascist, is mostly a reminder of how bad the italians failed at their settler-colonial aims, so who gives a fuck.

thanks for reading or at least tolerating the existence of this rambling stream of consciousness. i would have written a real essay with sources and arguments for everyone's edification, but i have neither the capacity for focus to write one nor the desire to publish it.

(for reference, here is a commonly-recommended video that exemplifies the empathetic zoological economically-agnostic oh-shucks-he's-just-a-sad-normal-white-boy-he-is narrative of how a young man in north america becomes a literal brownshirt nazi)

note specifically where the narrator talks abt how "far right thought leaders" may not "see themselves as" or "intend to become" such "far right thought leaders" but are ~merely~ shills for consumer products "incidentally" popular among "alt-righters". also key to this video's reconstruction of online fascist indoctrination is "politics as a set of affects, not a set of beliefs", as thought "affects" of online nazis like stefan molyneux, blaire white, etc are universally disarming, that they wouldn't seem "off" to "normal" ppl. this necessarily defines "normal" people as people in a position to ~discover blatantly white nationalist arguments w unblemished curiosity, people w no awareness of the existence of white nationalism per se - i.e. it accepts as ~normal those "white people w only white friends". the creator also describes a feedback loop wherein grifters become "radicalized" by audiences, chasing engagement etc. this is bullshit, obviously. they're not children. they're grown-ass fascists full of superficial hatred w economic bases, who should be in re-education camps at best.

at several points in nominally(?) anti-fascist narrative of "gabe" narrator describes communities where "minorities" are welcomed insofar as they avoid "identity politics". i get maybe some people can't relate to psychology of fascists but such description can only normalize it. this description necessarily frames addressing of issues of e.g. representation that affect such minorities within such interest communities as something that genuinely, in some sense, diverges from the status quo. as though at some point their marginalization was uncontroversial.

like clockwork, this angle on "alt-right" takes as axiom that communities from which "alt-right" recruits were 1st non-ideological, that fascists represent incursion of ideology &, by implication, so do ppl they oppose. political battle encroaches on something magically apolitical.

later, the creator says 

nazis act "apolitical", dropping hints to divide "our community" from "the left" 

"the left" says "you have a nazi problem, y'all" 

nazis say "jfc have you seen this? they're calling us all nazis for liking thing" 

 how stupid do you think ppl are, dude

from this perspective, communities of consumer interest have some kind of linear basis, origin, development, etc. problem here is that they absolutely dnt. they're continuous & amorphous. also this is obv abt gamers/gg & plenty of us who "played games" had no hate for zoë quinn

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever had a computer virus before? Not with any of my Apple laptops, which I’ve been getting for over 10 years now. Prior to that, I did have a few issues with viruses. Not fun.

Are you dependent upon anyone? >> Of course. Everyone’s dependent on someone, even if only indirectly. <<< True. I’m also very dependent upon my family, especially my mom.

Are there any book characters you’d like to portray? Uh, I don’t want to portray any character. I’m definitely no actor.

Who did you last text? My dad.

Is there anything on your bed right now? Yeah, several pillows, my bedsheets, my throw blanket, a few stuffed animals, a coloring book, a couple sets of colored pencils, two little pencil sharpeners, a little notebook, a book, an Nintendo Switch, my laptop, my phone, the chargers for aforementioned electronics... lol my bed is also my desk since I spend majority of my time in bed.

When was the last time you went to the grocery store? Back in early March. Prior to this quarantine/lockdown, I went with my mom twice a month. Since all that began, she’s just been going. We’ve been using the online order thing. What way would you like to die when it’s your time? Peacefully.

What are you most afraid of in the world? Death, diseases, violence, losing loved ones... Have you ever been caving? No.

Do you do well in math related things? Noooo. Me and math never got along.

What is your favorite fruit? Bananas. 

If you had to choose, which sibling would you live with? My younger brother and I already live in the same house.

Do you have any tattoos? Nope.

Are you planning on getting any in the near future? No.

When was your last date? Four years ago.

When did you get Facebook? Sometime in 2008.

What was your first pet’s name? Buster.

Are you good when it comes to computer issues? Uhh, depends what the issue is. If it involves the hardware itself then no.

Are there any people at your job who absolutely hates you? No job.

What was the last book you read? Don’t Tell by Willow Rose. I’m just starting, The Girl and the Hunt by AJ Rivers, which is the 6th book in a series.

Have you ever read any books in one day? Yeah, several.

What was the last thing you bought? A couple shirts and masks from Young and Reckless. The masks are black and say, “Keep your distance.” The shirts are black and say that as well in tiny font on the upper right side and on the back it says, “Thank you for staying away” in big font. I got one for my mom as well because it seemed like the perfect shirt for her to wear to work lol.

What are your plans for tomorrow? Nothing out of the ordinary.

Is there any jewelry you wear constantly? Nope. 

Are your fingernails painted at the moment? Nope.

Do you prefer cool, warm or neutral colors? >> I like a variety of colours for different reasons. <<<

Have you ever taken art classes? Just an art history class in college.

What’s the most boring movie you’ve ever seen? Hmm. I’m blanking.  Do you know how to work a cash register? I’ve never used one.

Fact or fiction novels? I’m more of a fiction gal.

Have you ever suffered from depression? Yeah, it’s been an ongoing battle for as long as I can remember, but these past few years have most definitely been the worst. Depression won.

Do you think you’re a clingy person? I can be when it comes to my mom. 

Do you enjoy kisses on the cheek? Uhh depending on who it’s from.

Have you ever been in a physical fight before? No.

How often would you say you disagree with your parents? We definitely have our disagreements, but I don’t know how often I’d say they are. A lot of them are about the same things.

What color shirt did you wear yesterday? >> Black.

Do you have a job? If so, do you like it? Nope.

Have you ever been called a slut before? I’ve had friends say it as a joke.

What’s something you’ve been craving? A day at the beach. D:

Have you ever slept with your window open? Yeah.

Can you play violin? I took lessons in 4th grade, but I didn’t enjoy it. Just wasn’t my thing. I stuck it out for the whole year, though.

What was the last desert you had? Brownies.

Have you ever had a wild animal as a pet? No.

Do you know anyone you talk to on Facebook but won’t talk to in person? No.

What color are your mother’s eyes? Brown.

Do you have a best friend? If so, how long have you been best friends? All 30 years of my life.

Do you cry easily? Yeah. Somedays I’m just on the verge of tears all day and anything can set it off. 

Have you ever been into a court room? I think during a field trip in elementary school.

How many necklaces would you say you own? Hmm. Maybe five.

Do you plan on being strict towards your children? I plan on not having children. I’m going to be 31 soon and feel strongly about not having children and I just don’t see something super drastic happening that makes me change my mind. But I’d be even older if something drastic did happen, so probably not even then. I’m meant to have doggos. (:

Do you own any tie-dye shirts? Yeah, a few.

What would you say is your favorite day of the week? They’re all the same for me, really.

Do you ever wear lipstick? I haven’t in a long time.

Do you own a pool? Nope.

Do you have a Tumblr account? Never heard of it.

Would you say you’re overweight? No. I’m actually too underweight.

How many colors are in your hair? Well, it’s mostly red, but my roots are starting to grow out. It’s not too bad, yet.

Do you flirt with a lot of people? I’m not a flirtatious person in general. If I flirt, it’s with someone I’m interested in and have been talking to. I don’t flirt with everyone or with people I don’t know.

How many bank accounts do you have? Just one.

Have you ever been falsely accused of starting drama? Yes.

How old are you? 30.

Do you attend church regularly? Not physically, but a local church uploads their service every Sunday to watch or listen to and I’ve been watching that even before the lockdown/quarantine. Since then, they’ve been live streaming since they can’t meet in person.

Have you ever found a song that describes your whole life? There’s a lot of songs where the lyrics just speak to me as they say and I really relate to them.

What time did you wake up this morning? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I assume I’ll get up sometime between 1 and 3 since that’s how it’s been the past few months.

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow morning? ^^^

What kind of car do you drive? I don’t drive.

What kind of car would you like to have? Not something I’ve given much thought.

Have you ever been to Dairy Queen? If so, what’s your favorite thing to eat from there? Not since I was a kid. I remember liking the blizzard things.

How old did you turn on your last birthday? This is just another way of asking how old I am, which you already asked me.

Ever felt like falling apart? Oh yes. I’ve felt like I’ve fallen apart and like I’m going to fall apart, just barely hanging on. I’m always just trying to keep it together. I’m like Humpty Dumpty who couldn’t quite be put back together again.

Have you ever been in an ambulance? Yes.

Do you tend to worry a lot? Yepppp.

How old were you when you lost your first tooth? Like 6, I think.

Do you remember your first time on the internet? It was when I was 9 or 10.

Which website do you email from? Yahoo.

Do you enjoy receiving souvenirs? Sure. I love getting them myself when on vacation and I’d certainly appreciate if someone brought me something from theirs.

Do you get angry with people easily? Not angry, but irritated and frustrated. 

Do a lot of people dislike you or is it the other way around? I feel like I’m just not even on the radar for most people.

Have you ever had the flu? Yes.

What about strep throat? Yes. It’s been a longggg time, though.

Have you ever been to a psychologist? No, but I need to.

What’s the worst part about school? For me it was that I just got so overwhelmed and stressed out so easily.

Do you normally have a lot of homework, if you’re still in school?

When was your last vacation? Back in early February. I can’t believe that even happened this year because quarantine/lockdown has felt like 84 years.

Would you ever consider going on a cruise? I’ve thought about it and they do sound fun, but... I don’t think I could.

What did you last buy from the store? A few Starbucks Doubleshot energy drinks.

Would you say you enjoy being single or in a relationship more? All I really know is being single, so I can’t really say for sure. I do miss being interested in someone and talking to someone in that way, though, and the very little experience I do have with dating. It’s best for me to be single, though.

Do you try to stay busy a lot? I spend my days with my usual go-to distractions. I wouldn’t call that keeping busy, though. I don’t feel like spending all day on various social media platforms, watching YouTube and TV, reading, playing Animal Crossing, and lounging is “busy” if that makes sense. I think of productivity when I think about keeping busy. To me the things I do are just distractions and things to pass the time. Just something to do, ya know? *shrug*

What’s your favorite quote? “Blah.” ha.

Do you lie a lot? I’d be lying if I said I never lie, but I’m not a pathological liar. 

Do you still act childish most of the time? I sure can be stubborn, moody, and whiny like one.

Did you ever enjoy gym class? Nope.

What is your biggest insecurity? I have a lot of insecurities. 

Have you ever painted a room alone? Nope. Or at all.

Speaking of which, when did you last paint your room? Never.

What’s for dinner tonight? I don’t know, it’s only 3 in the morning.

Do you ever drink alcohol? Nope.

Have you ever had a terrible hangover? Ugh, yes.

Do you ever get migraines? No, but I get terrible tension headaches.

Do you know how to garden? I don’t do any gardening. Not my thing.

What was the last thing you plugged into an outlet? The egg cooker thing to make hard boiled eggs.

Do people consider you to be a funny person? I have my moments.

Do you have any bad habits? Oh do I ever.

Do you like children? If not, why is this? Sure, in small doses. haha.

What is your favorite snack? Deviled eggs. Super random, but they make a delicious snack.

Do you own any gaming systems? I have a Nintendo Switch. I use my brother’s PS4 to access stuff like Netflix or watch DVDs in the living room.

How old were your parents when they had you? Early and mid 20s.

Is there a big age difference between you and the person you like? There’s no such person, currently.

Do you trashtalk people a lot? Nah, just myself.

What is the most amusing thing on the internet, in your opinion? TikTok has been pretty amusing.

Does the future excite you or scare you? It terrifies me.

Have you ever been to Disney World? If so, how many times have you been? No.

Do you try to spend a lot of time with family? I spend a lot of time with my immediate family. We’re very close, but we also live together so we’re able to do so. I don’t see my extended family very often, and not at all since the quarantine/lockdown.

How often do you shower? Every couple of days.

What would you say is your favorite genre of music? I like a variety of music.

Do you need to clean your bedroom? It could use a little straightening up.

What do you plan on doing with the rest of your life? I don’t know. I don’t want to keep going on like I have been the past few years... 

Do you enjoy Chinese food? I like some. I haven’t had any in quite awhile, though. I’ve actually been really wanting potstickers.

Do you smile a lot? *shrug* I give a lot of half smiles.

What is your favorite movie from the nineties? That’s tough. I love a lot about the 90s.

Which decade were you born in? The 80s, albeit halfway through the last year of the decade. 

Are you good at giving advice to people? I think I used to be. Not now.

How many huge secrets do you have? Wouldn’t you like to know? Maybe I have a lot. Maybe I have none. Like the Tootsie Pop owl says, “the world may never know.” Oooh, I’m so ~mysterious.

How many people know these secrets?

How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once.

Do you ever floss? Once in awhile, but no not usually. 

Have you ever been in a long-term relationship? No.

Ever considered suicide? If so, did you try to commit suicide? Yes. No. Is there anyone out there who makes you feel completely useless? No, I do that to myself.

Do you like texting or calling people more? Text. I don’t like talking on the phone. I don’t a lot of texting either, though.

What’s your favorite band? Linkin Park will always be one of them.

Do you have a lot of friends? I don’t have any friends.

Have you ever painted something and been impressed by it? I don’t paint.

Would you rather go out to eat or stay in? Oh, I’m not going out to eat anywhere anytime soon. I don’t care if dine in is slowly becoming an option again. Things are starting to open up again in phases, but please don’t mistake that to mean we’re in the clear and it’s perfectly safe to do so. We’re still very much in the midst of this pandemic. Please don’t be lax about your outings or start going all over the place. 

When did you last babysit, if ever? Not since my brother and a couple of my cousins were kids. They’re all adults now. 

Do you have any younger siblings? Yep, just mentioned my younger brother.

Have you ever thought of someone as useless? I don’t think of others that way, just myself.

Have you ever considered bleaching your hair? Yes and I do.

Do you drink vitamin water? I was super into Vitamin Water back when I was in high school. I haven’t had any in quite a long time.

Do you ever straighten your hair? It’s been a few years since I’ve straightened it myself, but when I go to get my hair done the lady who does my hair straightens it.

What’s the best way to end a conversation? Uhhh it depends? 

Are there any old movies you absolutely love? Yeah, there’s several.

Have you ever had a Big Mac before? Many times. I’ll get a craving for one every now and then.

Do you think you attract the opposite sex at a reasonable rate? Haaaaa no, not at all.

Where is your favorite place to travel? Beachy places.

What is your goal for the next few months? Getting through the summer somehow. Next week we’re having a few triple digit weather days.... it’s not even summer, yet. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I can’t even escape to the beach this summer. D:

Can you count to ten in another language other than your own? Sí, en Español.

Do you own a lot of shoes? A few pairs.

What is your favorite season and why? Fall and winter. I just love everything about it--the cold weather, the holidays, the smells, the decor, and just the coziness of it.

Does photography interest you at all? >> Not really. I like looking at photographs other people have taken, though. <<< Yeah, it interests me in that way but I don’t have any interest in taking up photography myself.

Have you ever played on a sports team before? If you have, what was that sport and when? Nope.

Have you ever filed a lawsuit on someone? No.

Do you think you’re a good singer? Nope, I know I’m not. Doesn’t mean I don’t do it anyway at home to myself, though. 

Would you rather wear jeans or sweatpants? I’ve only been wearing leggings the past few years.

Do you think you have a good sense of style? I like what I wear, which is all that matters.

Do you enjoy reading often? Yes, I love reading.

Ever had food-poisoning before? Yes. Not fun.

Where did you last eat dinner at? We got Wingstop takeout last night if that counts. I haven’t physically been out to eat in months, though.

Have you ever shot a gun before? Yes, once. I went to a shooting range with friends and learned how to hold and shoot one. I don’t know what type it was exactly, but it was a small handheld. It actually made me quite anxious doing so and even just being in that environment, so yeah it was just that one time. 

[vergess]

Alright, not to be the world’s most obnoxious asshole yet again, but I’m gonna do it because god knows no one else can be bothered.

This is a failure on the part of the social media manager. The article as you can clearly see in the headline of the link is not talkign about deodorants being fake. People ahve been trying to be less stinky for millenia and that’s not going to stop any time soon.

It’s talking about antiperspirants being a scam.

And that distinction is a big one.

Antiperspirants are Things Which Reduce Your Sweatiness. Not your stink, the water coming out of your skin.

Some people have conditions that cause excessive sweating, and those people definitely do still need antiperspirants (or, IDK, maybe not need?? But if they want them they should have them).

The problem is, the profusion of them has created a situation where wholly normal amounts of sweat are pathologized (treated as an illness that needs to be cured).

And, in a shocking twist that shocks no-one, this pathologization especially targets women (and non-white people of all genders, though the article is about women and not about race).

Which is what the article actually talks about.

The social media manager replaced the very specific term antiperspirant in their tweet with the related but not synonymous term “deodorant.”

Which fundamentally undercuts the article’s point, and opens the gate for people to make shit-head comments like “oh so you just think everyone should be stinky huh.”

It’s probably an honest mistake, although not one that anyone who read the article should be making.

But for fucks sakes, if you think women aren’t expected to be magically clean and pure in even the most hard labour situations, I’m going to have to point you to every piece of media over the last century that shows post-apocalyptic men covered in dirt and sweat, and post-apocalyptic women being clean shaven, with styled hair and makeup.

Women are allowed to sweat.

That’s the point of the article. That sweating is a normal human function that women also have.

Amazing how that was twisted into Feminists Want Us To Be Filthy And Smell Bad.

Almost like that’s the exact kind of bullshit the article is talking about or something.

The irony abounds.

Anyway, antiperspirants give me infected cysts on my underarms because of the mechanics of how they work, and deodorants are still good and part of my daily hygiene. Get fucked.

[mentalisttraceur]

I'm increasingly realizing that I need to become fluent in Chinese if I want to not obviously lose effectiveness and opportunities in my lifetime.

(Of course there are many Chinese languages alive and kicking but you know the one I mean.)

It is most visible in the software world: just little blips of it at the periphery of my experience for now - more open source projects with the entire webpages and documentation defaulting to Chinese, etc.

I give it ten to twenty years at most before the opportunity costs of not knowing Chinese will be high enough that I will feel them impacting my life.

Of course you are probably "safer" for longer - you probably do not have the priorities, interests, and pursuits that would bring those opportunity costs into your awareness.

The one nice thing about background problems is that you can't be distressed about problems effecting you if you don't know they effect you.

But it might not even be a background problem for your life, at least no more so than for example not getting comfortable using vi or emacs is a background problem, or not developing mind-work skills as much as I do is.

By which I mean they're at the worst background problems you could comfortably rationalize away as not being actually problems and go your entire life being not distressed about.

But also maybe you actually get better life value out of not pursuing those skills, and so is it really a "problem" if it is the least negative thing on balance? Yes, but not in the meaning of the word that would imply it was something you should try to or could improve.

Anyway...

I am currently neurotically incapable of just using software - I feel a compulsive need to find and explore every alternative while questioning every design decision and feature, and I often-enough look at source code.

So I am more likely to get into situations where I am looking at or using software or try to use and change all sorts of software that normal people won't notice a reason to use (or won't notice when they are using).

And since the behemoth that is China could quite plausibly leapfrog the defacto-English world in producing software that directly matters to and could benefit me soon, and in any case is near-inevitably going to reach critical mass where they are likely to produce something relevant to me that is better than the alternatives written and maintained by English-speakers, I am now predicting that it is only a matter of time before I miss out on or am impotent in relation to some software that matters to me.

Of course further on the time horizon, Africa has notable potential to leapfrog everyone else, if they ever gain the critical momentum needed to recover from the state it has been driven into. But China is heavily "investing in"/"subtly taking advantage of" Africa (because they actually have vision and aren't paralyzed by the pathological polarization and division and other failure modes that have increasingly hampered Western democracies as of late), and Africa's overall economic powerhouse potential has no single dominant language to go with it, so that does not really loosen the dense probability mass clustered around Chinese becoming the next "Lingua Franca" in many possible future spheres.

The irony of course is that everyone else in the world in my position who didn't speak English has been similarly language-barriered and off-put by English being the defacto language of open software projects for decades, and I'm just glimpsing and predicting the mere experience of that for a small subset of projects that might be relevant to me.

But it's fine.

English is my second language - I did this before (though I had the advantage of immersion and childhood brain plasticity at the time), and I'll do it again if I have to.

And I wanted to get fluent in the dominant Chinese dialect eventually anyway.

This mounting evidence that it will matter just suggests a shift in priorities that I wasn't quite prepared to process just yet.

[kendrixtermina]

Part of this is due to phychiatric diagnostic manuals are written - I’ve heard actual psychiatrists complaining/ campaigning for reform, that list of traits will be, like, a handful of normal harmless slightly uncommon personality traits and then at the bottom of the list are usually 2 or 3 highly pathological, life-ruining things.

& it’s really the dysfunctional features that are the problem not the flavor of quilyness that tends to coincide with it but also appears in typical ppl.  

I had this friend who... yes, she happens to be ENTP and has everything that makes ENTPs awesome, but she has ADHD so severe she struggles to get out of bed or do her paperwork, she got into deep trouble because she couldn’t fill out her unemployment forms. 

And people are told the “normal personality traits” are part of the disorder. 

And that leads to two things: 

a) All these people who are like “no autism and adhd are just normal variations, I don’t want them fixed” because they obviously wouldn’t want their entire friggin’ personality amputated, that would be the same as death, & they’re being told they can’t have that without the objectively life-impairing stuff. You would rather exist with difficulties than be told you should not exist at all. 

b) People who have the “normal personality trait” parts going “but everyone has this sometimes/ this happens to me, too” but what they don’t get is that there is the life-impairing stuff too on top of that ppl without actual ADHD don’t have to deal with - so they understandably feel like ppl are making light of their suffering. 

Your average NP might be scattered & fast-talking and find it hard to do some things, but peeps with ADHD have times when they absolutely can’t.  

Likewise there are a lot of strong introverts with poor social perception, but unlike autistic folks, they don’t get days where they just can’t wear certain clothing because it feels uncomfortable to the point of pain. Like I forget to look people in the face all the time but looking someone in the face doesn’t make me sweat & stress. 

And maybe Ps (because a lot of this is just P in general not N specific) are slightly more likely to get adhd the way that tall people are more vulnerable to spine problems but they’re just fundamentally not the same. 

Like the above post is making ADHD sound like it’s an insult “No I’m not mad, you don’t get it, what I’m doing is actually legit, dont lump me in with those ADHD people” like theyre icky or something. 

When in reality a person with ADHD might have all the same talents & like little relatable traits but also on top of that there’s this clearly unhelpful this extra bullshit that causes them difficulties & makes it harder to use the positive traits. 

[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episode eight

Unfortunately, this was definitely a building block episode. Fortunately, however, we did get to meet Jared’s slut-shaming mom, his shockingly apathetic ex-wife, and watch Alyssa further cement herself as my least favorite person on the planet earth. Let’s cut to the feeling!

You know when you wake up and you’re violently hungover, and you’re regretting the night before, and your only option is to stay in bed and order food and wish for death? That’s exactly how we get to see Juliette the morning after Jared’s party. Relatable kween! As she lays in bed with a lot of pizza but zero hope, she tries to justify her behavior at Alex’s. It sucks because I think it was warranted to push him in the pool, but given her (other) recent violent behavior, it just makes her look like a meth head. Especially since no one believes that Alex was actually on the phone with her. Which is SHOCKING. But I’ll get to that later. Speaking of Alex, now we’re seeing Alex and Alyssa the day after the blowout. Alyssa starts to question why Juliette and Alex were even talking in the first place. Alex explains that he sent Boring Robby some screenshots from Juliette. This should ring major alarms for Alyssa! Like if Alex doesn’t care at all, why would he do that? Alex insists that Juliette is just “desperate for anything,” and Alyssa stupidly accepts this explanation. Sorry, who’s desperate?

Nothing like a boozy lunch with your mom! That sounded sarcastic but I’m so serious. Mom, let’s do that when you come visit me soon! Except instead of calling my ex-spouse who cheated on me during combat a slut, we can stick to lighter conversation topics. So yeah, after Jared’s mom fondly recalled the time she called his ex-wife, Jessica, a “slut,” we learn that Jessica cheated on Jared during his deployment. Jessica is starting to sound like a Messica! Then Jared breaks the news that Jessica is visiting him in Siesta Key, and suffice to say his mother is not pleased. My ex-wife is not a phase, mom.

Later that day, we see Jessica arriving at dinner with Jared. They laugh about how horrible they are together when they drink, and then immediately order drinks. Good plan! After dinner, Jared brings Jessica to meet the gang. Amanda, Brandon, Madisson, Chloe and G Baby are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of Jared’s infamous ex. As soon as everyone says hi, the boys peel off to grab drinks, and Chloe immediately asks Jessica if she’s heard about Jared’s fling with Kelsey. She doesn’t waste one second, that Chloe! Not only has Jessica not heard of Kelsey, but she also apparently has no idea that Jared has PTSD. Which is strange, because if my ex-husband was on a reality show, I’d definitely watch, and if you’ve seen any episode with Jared, you know about his struggles with PTSD. Jessica must have felt like an idiot!! You think you know someone, and then it turns out that you don’t at all. I can’t help but immediately think of that time in Stephanie Meyer’s final novel in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, when Police Chief Charlie Swan sees Bella for the first-time post-change. From Charlie’s POV, his daughter went on a honeymoon to a strange Brazilian island and then caught a very serious virus that caused her to be quarantined from everyone for a lengthy period of time. Finally, enough was enough, and Police Chief Swan said, “screw protocol!”, and he went to the Cullen’s to see his daughter. When he saw her, his heart sank. That was Bella, but she looked different. She had an adopted baby who looked just like her, but the timing of the pregnancy didn’t add up. In that moment, Charlie Swan knew that while this may be his daughter, it certainly wasn’t the daughter he knew. And that was how exactly how Jessica felt during this gossip sesh.  

1 full year of wedded bliss

Something about Juliette is that while she is completely psychotic, violent, and potentially an alcoholic, she’s definitely not a liar. So when I see Chloe and Amanda in a pool, drinking literal water from cocktail glasses and saying that they “don’t believe Juliette” in regards to the phone call with Alex? I’m on the phone, calling Gary Kompothecras himself, suing for slander. It’s like, “I’m just done believing her.” Wait, seriously? Why? Alex is a proven pathological liar. Juliette is simply and factually not a liar. Based on those facts, let’s make an educated guess and decide who is lying. Later, Chloe and Alex head to the Crescent Club to get ready for the big bar opening that night. They briefly discuss Juliette, as always, since they seemingly have nothing better to talk about, and Chloe reveals that she’s meeting up for lunch with Juliette to hear her side of the story. After all, Juliette did break her $8 Amazon sunglasses. Chloe deserves an explanation. Then, after continuing to trash Juliette for a solid five minutes, Chloe tells Alex that Juliette “needs people like me in her life that are honest with her,” and they continue doing nothing to set up for the big night.

Juliette shows up to lunch with a gift and receipts. Text/call receipts, that is. After giving her gift to Chloe (a replacement of her wildly inexpensive sunglasses), Juliette pulls out the phone and proves that she was, in fact, on the phone with Alex for six hours. I’d like to give Chloe a shout out for truly sleuthing – yeah, Chloe, I saw you check the contact and make sure it was actually Alex’s number. Imagine if Juliette had just changed the name in her phone. After admitting that Juliette, was, in fact, telling the truth, Chloe decides to confront Alex at the bar opening. Perfect timing!  

Here we go – it’s Crescent Club time! Amanda rolls up with BG, which is weird since I kind of thought they had a falling out, but okay. JJ is also there, and it’s just a matter of time before Brandon freaksoutté. But first, Chloe pulls Alex aside. It’s truth time. Chloe explains that she saw the calls and knows that Alex and Juliette spoke on the phone for six hours. Alex, an aspiring lawyer, hits back with an incredible defense. “She called me, though.” Okay, someone call RBG and get this man on the Supreme Court, effective immediately. Alex realizes he needs to tell Alyssa before Juliette does, so he pulls her aside and admits what he’s done. Alyssa seems, in a word, peeved. Peeved, but not hideously angry which is what a normal person would be. After a quick five-minute recap, they’re all good, which is extremely concerning. But, as Alex said, “emotionally, nothing was gained or lost” during the calls, so like, Alyssa really has no need to worry. 

Is this Juliette or Santa Claus because she’s arriving to the Crescent Club bearing more gifts! After giving Alyssa a replacement bathing suit top, Chloe inexplicably rips the new top for no reason. Nice. Seriously though, I’m proud of Juliette for making amends and pushing forward. Ygg! Maybe she’s learning from Kelsey, who up until tonight, has made me so proud! Unfortunately, Messica gets the best of her. When she meets Jared’s ex-wife, the tension in the air is so thick you could cut it. Kelsey asks if the two are going to be sad to leave each other, and when Jessica explains that they’re not very “emotional,” Kelsey blatantly questions their relationship altogether by saying, “Well then was it ever real?” Ouch! That was super intrusive, aggressive, and uncalled for especially since she told Jared to fuqoffé a week ago and chose Jake. Oh no Kels.

We leave that awkward love triangle for another awkward love triangle – BG, JJ, and Amanda. BG randomly decides to confront JJ about Amanda. Brandon, what have we learned from the Jake/Kelsey/Jared debacle? This almost never ends in the desired result! After Brandon tries to stake claims over Amanda, JJ gently reminds him that Amanda owes neither of them anything, and she has been blatantly clear about the fact that she’s not being exclusive with either of them. Amanda has lied to BG about hooking up with JJ, so he’s got a right to be mad about that, but overall, he needs to drop this narrative. No one cares. We all know he’s really upset about his first love dating someone old enough to be her father, but to be frank, no one cares. You cheated on Madisson! You led her into the arms of Ish! Now get overetté! 

Juliette approaches Alyssa to apologize more in-depth. She acknowledges that her behavior was out of hand, and explains that she never wants to come in between Alex and Alyssa. (Who aren’t even dating!!) Keep in mind – Juliette could easily show Alyssa the proof that Alex is still VERY invested in her. Alex feared that she might, which is the only reason he came clean to Alyssa in the first place. But nope, even after Alyssa antagonizes her and says that Alex shows her all of the texts she sends, Juliette still remains calm and simply says, “I wouldn’t be sending him things that I’m not getting in return.” Which is a very fair point! Instead of pausing to think about the situation logically, Alyssa tells Juliette to “have a nice life.” Ooh, BURN! Now we wait for Tuesday – get excited about double the episodes and double the drama.

[jinjojess]

Can you say what you think of each Exile Election character and the impression they left on you?

Sure, that sounds like fun.

Cut for length.

Ichijou Kaname

Kaname’s alright. I don’t love him but I don’t hate him either. His design is kinda dumb with the white hair, but I also kind of like that it’s just a touch of flair in an otherwise sort of normal uniform attire. The headphones are cool too and I really like that they actually have a story purpose and aren’t just decoration.

Personality-wise, so far Kaname’s very white-bread VN protag material, though the being able to see lies as a result of his synesthesia is kind of interesting. I hate how he talks most of the time because it’s so stereotypically anime douche-style, but I do like that he doesn’t spend all of his internal monologue thinking about how he needs to protect Ichika or anything. Plus if he’s filled with murderous revenge rage, that’s always a plus for me.

He’s flawed, is what I’m saying, which is really nice.

Houshi Ichika

I just cannot even with this design. What the fuck. Like I mentioned in my LP, she ticks so many boxes on the trope-o-meter that she just about breaks it: childhood friend/probable love interest; stupid pun name; love of sweet food (strawberries in this case, also relating back to dumb pun name); dog collar; chain; dog collar; thigh belt; ribbon; DOG COLLAR; school uniform no school would ever assign; etc.

However, despite her constant “I’ll do whatever you say, Kaname” thing, she actually seems semi-reasonable? I did like the part where she physically held Kaname’s face in place so he couldn’t see Misa get eaten because it could either mean that she’s a good friend concerned about his emotional state, or she knows that something else is going on here and wants to keep his attention focused elsewhere.

Fingers crossed for crazy mastermind-type but not of the yandere variety.

Ichijou Misa

Misa’s okay. She’s a stereotypical anime kid sister. Served her role in the story so far just fine I guess. May or may not be Noori. Makes me appreciate how dynamic Komaru is in comparison.

My only thing with her is that the game’s website claims she’s 13, but she doesn’t act 13, she acts like she’s 6. This is a common problem a lot of fiction has when people are not used to being around actual kids and pre-teens–this is what made later seasons of Buffy after Dawn was introduced so obnoxious.

Official site also calls her a moodmaker which in VN lingo is never a good sign.

Noori

Totally Not Misa You Guys. Man I really hope they subvert that…

What’s kind of interesting about Noori is that the game is treating her amnesia as the serious condition it would be in real life. Like there are drawbacks and side effects to it like not knowing how to speak or process what’s going on around her. Makes the situation less tropey and moe and more realistic and sad, so I appreciate that.

Since Alice already lampshaded the Imouto Route thing, I’m hoping we get to avoid that as well and instead Noori will be like…the personification of Kaname’s pathological desire to protect his sister and infantilize her rather than recognize that she was an individual.

(My hopes are not super high about that though.)

Himeno Miori

Textbook shy girl with glasses trope so far. It is a little interesting how her brother and Michimune sort of try to override her opinions all the time and we get to see her fighting back for once in the first(?) election in the flashback. She seems poised to get a character arc revolving around breaking free of her trio and being her own person.

Since Miori is only two years older than Misa and yet is recognized as acting more as a real person and not as a toddler, maybe the game could be setting up a clever parallel between how Michimune and Yuuri try to babify Miori and how Kaname never wanted to admit that his sister was growing up?

Hush, let me construct a more layered and nuanced story for myself to enjoy okay?

Himeno Yuuri

Shouta character extraordinaire. Yuuri hasn’t really done much so far so I don’t have much of an opinion on him yet. I do think it’s weird that Kaname recognizes him as a boy in the dark square just after a massacre but then gets confused in the relatively calm setting of the observatory under actual lighting.

Again, only one year older than Misa, yet acts completely different. Does ascending to chuuni suddenly make people rapidly mature mentally in this universe?

Also, is he wearing garters under his knees to hold up his socks? Watch yourself, boy. You’re edging in on Ichika’s dumb design territory.

Isurugi Michimune

I don’t know why, but I just really like Michimune’s design. Perhaps it’s the relative simplicity of it, or the fact that I just happen to like navy and orange as a color combo, who knows.

I don’t have much of an issue with Michimune so far–I like that he’s kind of hot headed but trying not to be. Like he’s easily goaded into starting to go for Alice just by Izuki calling him a pansy, despite that he knows deep down it’s a bad idea.

Basically he’s also clearly flawed and I like that. He’s a character dealing with an internal struggle–trying to temper is own natural inclinations for the sake of his friends. According to the website he’s best friends with Yuuri and wants to protect both him and his big sister Miori, which is a kind of interesting parallel with Kaname that I hope goes somewhere interesting.

Ayara Izuki

I love this guy. I just…look at him. Fucking look at him. Look at his blue hair. Look at his neon pink hoodie. Look at his skull spider tattoo. Look at his highlighter yellow t-shirt. Look at his 90s hi-tops and his edgelord piercings. Look at his black neck bandanna. Look at how he wears a pair of handcuffs as a bracelet. LOOK AT HOW HIS HOODIE HAS THE SAME DESIGN AS HIS TATTOO. 

This character’s design is a fucking train wreck, but in an entirely different way than Ichika. Like the game both kind of does and doesn’t seem to be taking the character designs seriously (Alice does make a quip about Ichika’s chain) but like…oh my god. This is just so fucking wonderful. It’s like a kaleidoscope that’s been sharpened into a butter knife.

Anyway, Izuki is your standard combative bad boy archetype. He’s 20 and jobless, according to the website. Nothing TOO interesting so far but I just love his stupid design so damn much that I want him to hang around for awhile (and ideally subvert the obvious assumption that he killed someone in the past, but hey).

Ninchouji Issei

So if Ichika is here to bait in thirsty otaku dudes, Issei is a little something for the ladies. His design is basically “Togami, but a chef” and his personality is…well, basically it’s kind of just “Togami, but a chef and without the really obvious disdain for everyone”. What I mean by that is that he’s the character who seems almost intrigued by the premise of this game and has a bit of a haughty, I-know-more-than-you-fools vibe going on.

That might be because he’s 25 and a chef and he’s stuck in this theme park with a bunch of kids, but who knows.

Isumi Hakushuu

I am still not over the fact that his first name sounds so close to the Japanese word for “applause” or the fact that his design is best described as “preppy Amami” (I can picture Amami going undercover as Hakushuu and Avril Lavigne singing “Complicated” as a result). He’s 20, he’s in college, he’s apparently the twins’ neighbor in their, I assume, gated community with high HOA fees.

So far he seems like he’ll be the calm, smart character, possibly betray everyone later on in the story. Or like maybe he’ll seem like he’s really in the game to win but then later he and Kaname become bros or something.

Personally I’m about as meh about him as I was about Amami.

Tadenomiya Aasha

One half of this VN’s twin set (the older one iirc?). Seems like Aasha is more interested in Western Gothic fashion, and she wears a black rose-shaped patch over her left eye, perhaps as a fashion statement or perhaps because she and Kaasha share an eye or something I dunno.

God this design. Half blue/half green hair, the handle to her parasol being shaped like a gun, the headgear…like what is that? Is she some kind of maid queen? 

Anyway, the twins so far are both overly formal, seems haughty and antagonistic, and obsessed with Hakushuu for some reason I assume will never be adequately explained.

Also of note is that both twins are the same age as Misa, and the website says that they’re very advanced for their age. No, game, they’re not really. They act like typical chuunibyou mofos. They are being pretentious and embarrassing and act like they know everything, and I have encountered many 13-year-olds who are just like that.

Tadenomiya Kaasha

Other half of this game’s VN twin set (I think the younger one). This one comes in Japanese flavor, with the hakama and sword handle to her hikasa and white…what kind of flower is that? Anyway, a white flower over her right eye because in my mind the twins share an eye between them that gives them the ability to see other people’s abilities and that’s how they find out about Kaname’s lie-seeing thing and sorry. Trying to keep myself entertained.

Anyway, Kaasha so far has pretty much the same personality as Aasha. I really hope they both team up to mess people up rather than fight each other for Hakushuu’s attention, but if I’m being honest I already know that’s where we’re headed.

*sigh*

Yurizono Shihori

We’re still troping it up but we’ve now hit the trope I personally like–resting bitch face. Shihori don’t give a fuck about what’s going on here. She doesn’t have time to wear a bra, to emote, or give one single shit about the situation. She’s also strangely absent in the flashback but I don’t know what that means yet. Possibly that she will be a fake-out mastermind candidate later on in the game?

Design-wise I’m not sure how I feel about the boots or the fishnets, but other than that it’s fine. Pretty simple and more to my taste than the complicated stuff. Love the Kingdom Hearts-inspired design on her shirt too. Also her last name is literally just “lily garden” I mean come on. This hole was made for me.

Shihori is apparently 21 and a college student, hence her apathy about life probably. Also according to the website she has poor eyesight and carries around glasses but doesn’t wear them. See, that’s the kind of small personal detail that makes a character likable. That’s like a DR character trait.

Alice

Alice is my actual fave so far. She’s not TOO close to Monokuma, but there’s just enough resonance to make her fun. Alice is the only one who seems to be lampshading these dumb design choices or stock personality traits too, which I appreciate immensely.

As for her design, I like it. There’s that one weird ¾ sprite that looks kind of odd, but other than that she’s really cute and otherworldly. Like she’s clearly robotic but also clearly a rabbit which fits with the Wonderland theme, and she’s got the cute voice that’s really expressive (and a nice change of pace from the human characters, who for the most part are all pretty monotone so far…especially Kaname).

So yeah. There’s my thoughts so far on the Exile Election cast. I suppose I can update as I continue to play.