#picking up on lack of responsibility and coping skills and so on

[waltzingwhimsy]

Im so lazy, it’s annoying me :/

I can be responsible, idk why I’m not

[selene-moonie]

AOT: Faith in the 'Cause' and Social vs Inherent Value

NOTE: SPOILERS for the entire series. Also, I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong here. I only hate the shitty parents. Each character worked within the worldview they were raised with, and each of their decisions matter in the story.

Let's get a few definitions out of the way to start:

The 'Cause' - whatever you believe in that's bigger than you. Saving your country, ending the titans, getting a better life.

Social Value - when your worth comes from your ability to support others or your accomplishments.

Inherent Value - the idea that everyone has individual value regardless of their social accomplishments.

There are a few different types of parents. Some raised their kids to believe in a 'cause', others didn't, and some originally believed in a cause and then started valuing their kids as individuals.

Let's start with one of the original villains - Grisha Yeager. He raised his first son to believe in the 'cause' and valued him mainly for his ability to progress this cause. He will be written into history as a monster, like his brother, but it started when Grisha and Dina removed his humanity.

Zeke valued himself so little that he got his parents killed, endured years of spinal injections (and essentially became a male brood mother which is horrifying), had no close relationships other than the one with his mentor, and died for his sins right after he finally started smelling the roses. That is a fucking tragedy if I've ever read one.

His brother didn't get it any better either. Eren grew up with more love, and less of a cause than Zeke, but Eren picked up his own cause and inadvertently copied his dad. Eren's mom is a black haired woman, and Eren kept everything secret from his loved ones till it was too late. He's also dead because he valued himself more for what he could do for his friends than actually living his life.

Which is a shame because Mikasa deserved better than beheading the man she loved. I know Eren couldn't end the cycle of violence himself, he could only save the people loved, but it sucks that he had to die to do that.

I do want to say here that the parents who pushed their kids to further the cause are the ones aware of the reality of the world, like the fact that there's a war, the discrimination against the Eldians, etc. The parents who raised their kids not to believe in a cause, but instead valued them as individuals are the parents unaware of these things.

That doesn't mean they lack awareness of their immediate reality, as in the case of Artur Braus, Sasha's father. He straight up told her she could hide out in the forest and choose to not adapt, but he would change his family traditions to cope with the changing world. Her response was to rebel by joining the military but Sasha eventually came into her own and was one of the best members of the Scouts.

I think of how Sasha and her dad were key players in making sure another Eren wasn't created in Gabi. Her entire character arc was her learning that the Paradis Eldians were people just like her. The kindness, courage, and fighting skills that Sasha brought to the table years prior paid off in Gabi's interactions with her family, which is eventually what changed her mind. I just love seeing the cycle of violence end.

Jean is another one who was brought up with inherent value. He was self-absorbed and self-interested, but also ended up having one of the biggest character changes throughout the story. Jean quickly realised that his skills weren't as useful inside the walls as outside. He also chose not to kill a child soldier, in addition to saving Reiner, despite everything Reiner had done. He was one of the pettier characters, yet he grew into a really responsible man who chose to do better than continuing the cycle of violence as well.

Now the third type of parent is the one who originally valued their children for their social value, but eventually came to love them for their inherent value. These include Karina Braun and Leonhart. Karina straight up used her son to get a leg up in their society, and Leonhart adopted Annie for that purpose which is wild to me. I'm not sure how, or why they started loving their kids after they'd gotten them into the war criminal stuff, but hey, their kids eventually started making decisions that aligned with their true identities. Annie just wanted to go back home, and even though Reiner developed borderline personality disorder and suicidal ideation, he turned out ok as well.

I do wanna talk for a sec about the fact that the ones who were valued socially engaged in the most self-sacrificial behavior. Eren was in love with Mikasa since day zero or something, but he never told her. His relationships were strained and eternally kept at arm's length for his cause. Zeke didn't even have close friends, and Pieck apparently always knew he was a liar.

Meanwhile, the ones who saw inherent value in themselves ended up being the most well-adjusted of all the kids. They were also the ones to reach out and bridge the gaps between the Eldians in the end. Sasha probably never went a day wondering if her best friends loved her, and even though Niccolo hadn't proposed, she probably fantasized about marrying him as well. She lived fully, though she became a casualty of war. I don't think the ones with the causes got to do that.

The kids who eventually learned to value themselves as individuals (Rei, Annie, and Historia) had to assimilate their shadow selves, and they also learned to live life for themselves.

Each of these kids' parents had an active role in the decisions they made and how they valued themselves. The ones who were valued socially died alone and sad, while the ones who did die but were valued inherently had happier relationships. And the others just had to find ways to deal with the shadows they had collected along the way.

[henrysglock]

"El is a manifestation of Will, and she's going to die in st5 because of it." Lets put the breaks on this misogyny train, baby. Let me get this right.

Local girl has an arc about gaining her independence from men, finding out who she is as a woman outside of the wants and needs of the men in her life, and securing her freedom from the men who have controlled her her entire life. Her arc is about learning that she doesn't have to die for men/for their love/her worth as a person, learning that she isn't just the superhero, that she's so much more than that as a person...and we're saying she is the projection of a man and is going to sacrifice her life for a group of men?

Tell me we see how that sounds bad, right?

Also, El's femininity isn't something she's "free" to express unless she's with other women. In ST1 her femininity was a disguise Mike put on her to make her seem more "normal". El plays up her femininity around Mike later on, and it becomes clear that Mike wants El less the more feminine she becomes. He begins to pull away. El's femininity is celebrated by Max, and unless we want to discuss her being a projection of Mike (hello reducing another woman to a projection of a man)...El as projection of Will doesn't bode well for byler and Mike's acceptance of Will's feminine characteristics.

Additionally, El was bullied more than Will in Lenora because she wasn't socialized like Will was. Will can camouflage because he's had a life outside the lab. El is bullied because she doesn't have the socialization to even start camouflaging. Will wasn't bullied because he has the skills to fade into the background now that his history in Hawkins isn't plaguing him. El's history shapes her behavior in ways she cannot hide. That is why she is bullied in Lenora when Will is not.

On top of that, El doesn't "stand up for herself". She has anger issues. She initially rolled over in class when she was being picked on, she initially tried to suck up to Angela at Rink-O-Mania, and it wasn't until she was pushed to violence that she lashed out once the situation was already over. El lashed out at Lucas when she was afraid and overwhelmed. She lashed out in anger and distress when Hopper punished her. El doesn't "stand up for herself", she lashes out with violence because of Brenner's expectations in the lab, her lack of coping mechanisms due to that childhood setting, and the ways that setting is incongruous with society at large. Again, she wasn't socialized. El's anger and violent behaviors are a trauma response and an unhealthy coping mechanism. It's not a desirable girlboss trait that Will would want to see in himself. Will was horrified by El's behavior at Rink O Mania. El is wracked with shame and embarrassment about her behavior. Mike picked on El for her behavior as soon as he felt the people involved didn't "deserve" it (re: Troy). What would that say for byler re: Mike supporting Will standing up for himself?

anyway that's my piece on that for the moment. happy hunting.

[msommers]

lets go C P R and a bonus F for riya, maeve and jorina!

i answered this in a timely manner and also with very in depth, analytic responses (nat 2 deception check) // oc asks: au abcs

C. coffee shop au. What would your OC be like in a classic coffee shop AU? Are they at all suited for the barista lifestyle? What's their go-to coffee order?

RIYA — as funny as it is to imagine her in one of those hammed-up-for-the-adorable uniforms and hats, there's no universe where she's a worker. her personality and priscilla's pride wouldn't allow it. i don't have many thoughts on this au for her except she'd probably become a regular on accident because i can see cian being one and she'd be hanging out there with him from time to time, and she's probably flirted with every barista + collected their numbers just for fun. the fact that she tips absurdly well makes up for her page-long orders and habit of talking too loudly when she really gets into telling a story at a table with her friends, i promise 💜

MAEVE — y’know i can actually see her as the type to have a favorite café that she’s frequented for so long and with such consistency that they have her drink and pastry ready before she’s even walked through the door. i imagine that it’s a consistent thread through verses that after being free of carden, maeve spends a handful of years making any excuse she can to avoid being cooped up at home like she always was while with him, and becoming a regular at some cute café sounds like one of her top escapes. she's either reading a book or working on writing her own, and then after a while i'm sure she'd start bringing partners or friends for little coffee dates. i have vague memories of somebody vibe checking her as the type of girly to order absurd sugar filled monstrosities and i think that’s hilarious, so we’re gonna second that opinion here. give her the chocolate sauce, the caramel, the whipped cream, the chocolate chips, the cookie crumbles, put any of those in her drink and she's obsessed. make it a cute color somehow and double the obsession instantly.

JORINA — sounds exactly like the kind of job she'd pick up to help support the family while she's in school. she'd hate every minute of it and probably be a pretty detached coworker due to her keeping her head down and talk to a minimum, she's just there for the paycheck tho so she doesn’t care that much if they’re pressed about it. she'd be suited for the work just fine because she's meticulous and has a great memory, but her customer service skills are lowkey laughable. she's making herself some unholy caffeine concoction before and after every shift to cope with the lack of sleep but that's fine and healthy, i think. if she hides it in a travel mug then nobody can see it and judge her about it. 

P. pacific rim au. What is your OC doing in a Pacific Rim AU? Are they drift compatible with anyone? What would their jaeger be called?

answered here!

R. royalty au. How would your OC handle being royalty? If they're already royalty, how would they deal with being a commoner? What kind of royal would your character be?

answered here! 

F. fey. What kind of fey or fairy creature would your OC be? Would they be in a spooky, intense fairy world or a playful, lighthearted fairy world?

my knowledge on fey/fairy lore is lacking but i'll try my best 😭

RIYA — riya’s intelligent but i also just think she’s a prime “fucking sucker lmao” candidate for the type of world that uses whimsy and vibrancy to mask all of the trillion ways it's trying to trap you there through temptation. she can focus on all of the blatant dangers, and maybe manage a few of the smaller ones, but there’d be a point where that lack of insight trips her up and she falls for some ploy if she doesn’t have an ally there to help her out. i don't know what type she'd be but riya would kinda eat as a fey, huh. pretty as fuck, loves mischief, crazy magical, would look even cuter with wings that's a fact. i rest my case

MAEVE — i believe technically there are some fairy creatures in the witcher universe but i don’t know which ones?? we’re gonna just breeze over that for now, who needs ‘em. so what if i say that i completely abandoned the idea of researching for her answer because i pictured her as some kinda default basic bitch fairy capable of polymorphing herself into a tiny size just so she can sit on people's shoulders. what then. must i give an actual detailed answer here when we could instead picture ilya walking around with a tiny fairy maeve laid up on his shoulder, chattering away??? i don't think so.

JORINA — making the executive decision that she wouldn’t be any type of fey/fairy creature solely because she’d be too funny as the straight man in a scene with anybody else as one. immune to fairy trickery because she’s mastered the art of silently staring at somebody until they give up trying to get her and just walk away out of frustration. i want her in the colorful, playful fairy world just to further her being the biggest grump who’s trying to stay locked in at all times.

[drratiosstudent]

Thoughts on the phrase ‘Knowledge is power’, and on learning ‘enough’ about a skill/topic before doing a project about it

I’ve thought for a long time about the phrase ‘Knowledge is power’, and have lived most of my life aware of the negative impact of ignorance and lack of knowledge on our lives. But the more I think about it, I feel like a better phrase would be ‘It is the application of knowledge that brings true wisdom and power’. Knowledge can only help us to a certain extent - what is the point of knowledge, if we’re unable to utilise it well, and if we’re not strong or able to apply knowledge into our lives? It requires both strength and wisdom to be able to apply what we’ve learnt into real life.

This is kind of linked to a conversation I had with someone recently.

During that conversation, they told me that they prefer learning everything - or learning enough - before starting a project, because they were afraid of failure or messing things up along the way. I feel like that’s something many people do, but by doing that, they’re overlooking the importance of learning from experience and failure. Learning the theoretical knowledge, and trying to retain all the knowledge you gain, is helpful - but what is not helpful is NOT doing the project, NOT learning to apply your knowledge into life or into ongoing problems because you believe you aren’t ‘ready’ or that you don’t know ‘enough’ to do the project.

It is important to enhance your ability to apply your knowledge in creative ways in real life to deal with complex situations - and that means being able to put aside some time to apply your limited skills - be it your art skills, music skills, math skills, critical thinking skills, reflection skills, socialising skills etc. To use and learn more about your flaws and areas of improvement. Knowing is helpful, knowing theories and a methodical step by step way of solving things is useful - but being able to do things as you learn, being able to spot your mistakes and learn from them WHILE doing the project you’re doing, is so, so important.

It’s important to allow yourself the grace to make mistakes, to learn from failure, to pick yourself up, to cope with pain, guilt, anger, sadness, and grief - even if you think you aren’t ‘fully’ ready or prepared for certain things sometimes. DO that project, TRY that new activity, APPLY whatever limited knowledge you have into your life or personal goals after you’ve learnt enough to do some basic things. Of course, keep learning, do spend more time learning, but as you slowly become advanced and no longer a ‘newbie’, I hope you don’t restrict yourself in the ‘newbie’ section just because you aren’t a master, and create that new song, create that new artwork, try writing a critical review on a historical source or critical response to a philosophical argument. You might make mistakes, you might mess up a bit, but you will also learn along the way!

There are some things you can only learn through experience.

Ok, I think I yapped enough ahaha.

TLDR; While knowledge may bring power, it is the application of knowledge that brings true wisdom and strength.

[non-electrical-outlet]

11/14/24: TIME ZONES and DST ARE BULLSHIT

I am fuckin MIFFED right now because I just opened up Jitsi for my Coaching session this week and saw that it started at 5:00 instead of 6:00. Daylight Savings Time started the weekend of the 11/5, and I skipped that week's session due to school deadlines, and I haven't logged in to Jitsi until just now because I'm FUCKIN BUSY as SHIT with NURSING SCHOOL and THIS SUCKS.

I did just send my coach an email about it...

And got a response back from him like immediately, which is so awesome and amazing. TBFH I was having a good day and in a particularly good mood, only to have it come crashing down when I logged in and realized the situation, and my first thought was something like "God Damn It the universe is always out to make a fool out of me. Every time I'm in a really good mood, that just means something is about to go wrong, and the universe is just lifting me up to smack me down" Writing it out like that helps me analyze the thought and do my own DIY CBT of sorts, like yeah that's not the most scientific thought. "The Universe is both sentient and malicious", like whaaaat? But that's how it fuckin feels in the moment, and it feels like SHITE dude!

Anyways, we're having our session today at 8:00 PM my time, 2:00 PM his time, and I'm definitely going to at least mention that cognitive distortion up there in the quotation marks (Note to Self: self-directed learning of psychotherapy modalities would be cool, starting with CBT). I think I want to spend the bulk of our time on PC#1 and strategies to improve communication with my Dad. I think I'm ready to start talking to him again, ready to handle the discomforts and challenges and emotional labor involved, and ready to step out of the perspective of me being deeply wronged by him. Yeah I had some pretty shitty experiences and picked up a lot of emotional baggage from him, but continuing to view him as an adversary is no way to grow or move forward. Adolescence 2.0 is an opportunity to do things better than 10 years ago, with a more developed brain and soul. I've got my Therapeutic Communication Techniques from Nursing School, I've got my psychology background and whatnot, I've got healthy coping skills, emotional intelligence, other things to do with my emotions besides repressing them... I am better equipped than I've ever been in my whole life for this shit. I am ready to start caring for others again.

"I'm ready to start caring for other's again..."

I think my mental breakdown in the spring was essentially Baby's First Burnout, the point at which The Stressy Times came to a head. Between the physical + emotional labor I was doing at work, the emotional labor I was doing in my relationship, the academic and career work I was doing in nursing school, the reliance on substances as a quick and dirty coping mechanism, and the lack of regard for my own needs: I BURNT the FUCK OUT dude.

Today, after Mental Health Sim, I felt passionate about school again, about nursing and my future career, for the first time in this the year of our lord 2024. I felt both inspired and motivated to make dinner tonight, which was enjoyed by every person in the house. I felt genuinely and endogenously happy, no substances, for the first time in... who even knows how long, months at the very least.

It is very possible that the root of my recent irritation and hostility towards my Dad, my refusal to perform an ounce of emotional labor for him, is the Burnout from the Stressy Times. Things are going more smoothly since PC#1, and I would do well to remember that Dad has also had 10 years of Life since I was 15. House of Leaves was certainly a spooky read, but not all liminal spaces are so scary. The more comfortable I get with Becoming, the less often I'll feel so dissatisfied with Being.

That's it for now and for today. I wanna play some Ride 3 before coaching.

[themarginalthinker]

For Jack: 23, 18, 13 58. For Kenzo: 56, 51, 43, 37. For Cole and Jay: 1, 19, 21, 32 :>

OKAY HERE WE GO PEOPLE all of these are ocs for oc projects! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

Jack:

23. What do they feel guilty for, even if the other person doesn't remember: Jack as a character both feels a lot of guilt, and almost none at all, at times. I think Jack tries to justify his actions to himself, and will usually do the right thing, but when he messes up, moves on fairly quickly. There are times when he does feel guilty, and it's usually when the other person is doing something for him, but he's not reciprocating. (Such as telling truths, or revealing deep secrets.)

18. Who do they love, 100% unconditionally, if anyone: Kenzo :3 of course. Though, it certainly didn't start out that way. First it was just 'that weird friendly book nerd with the cute but annoying spirit cat, and then became...well, spoilers, but they ended up together, and let's hear it for ace attraction, baby! Jack will also kill for his friends. (pleas ask him to kill for his friends......)

13. When do they fake a smile, and how often: Usually when he absolutely must - Jack HATES playing politics and trying to play nice for people in positions of power. (I apologize for the alliteration). His fake smiles fail most charisma and bluff checks, to say the least. However, he's very good at hiding his real emotions, or at least obfuscating them enough to put people off the trail.

58. How many hobbies have they attempted? Is there a common theme: Ehhhhh Jack, despite being my slightly adhd baby, doesn't pick up hobbies that much in my mind? The most I can see him do is whittling/little carving projects when on long trips. He makes little sphere shaped animal trinkets for the funsies, and often just leaves them random places. He does like to tinker though, so I can see him, after the events of Quillguard, getting more invested in combining magic and mechanical creations. Jack seems to like small, intricate parts - he'd probably like puzzles or Rube Goldberg marble-track art pieces.

Kenzo:

56: If they're scared, who do they want comfort from? Does the answer change depending on the type of fear:The first person he goes to isn't actually a person at all! It's Yuna, his little spirit cat! She's been with him since he was a young child, and has acted as his guardian, helper, and companion for well over a decade now. Yuna isn't just a friend, either, she's also capable of some serious offensive magic (though, to enact it, Kenzo must be pushed to the limit of his own abilities, and she's acting more like a flight/fight response.)

The next runner up would probably be Articulate the wyrm. As Kenzo's legal guardian, he knows that if he's got a big problem, he can always turn to the old dragon for advice, and Articulate will usually offer an amount of comfort where he can. Though, given his age, his own duties, and his lack of...human...ness, Articulate is sometimes a tad awkward, and is more like 'pat pat, there there, boy' with Kenzo.

The newest person this list is...Jack. :> Though, for Plot Reasons, Kenzo finds some things difficult to discuss fully with Jack.

51. What's a phrase they say a lot: I'm not actually sure lol. I don't think we've written enough of him to say with that specificity, (a crime!) however, I do think something he starts off his sentences with a LOT, is "You know..." bc just like Articulate, he's a little reader.

43. What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing/environment/biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding: Kenzo, despite his usual calm, serine nature, is actually a fairly anxious individual inside. It doesn't come out a whole lot thanks to his various coping skills and strategies, and also tendency to be one step ahead BECAUSE of that anxious nature, but sometimes, he encounters something or someone who will take him back to a very, very bad time in his life, and it spooks him. He will then avoid the person or situation, and sometimes this causes conflicts. There is also, despite Kenzo's general intellectual abilities and objectivity, a very small proclivity for being TOO objective. Or. At least thinking he is. Once he believes he's got an answer for something, he usually thinks it's the RIGHT answer for the thing, and it will take a very large shift in evidence or justification to change that.

He also has the tendency to completely remove himself from the situation if he learns he is, in fact, wrong about it. He won't engage with it anymore, choosing the total opposite of thinking he's completely right - simply not acknowledging the thing At All.

37. What's a secret they haven't told serious romantic partners and don't plan to tell: Wouldn't you and the rest of the cast love to know ;) But, one that's a little less plot-spoilery is that he knows a bit more about Briar's identity than he lets on.

Cole and Jay!

1.What is a lie they say most often: For Jay, it's literally "I'm fine." Jay is not fine. Jay is the opposite of fine. If 'fine' were the sun, Jay would be in the Oort Cloud. But he's sitting on it though. He can be Not Fine once they're out of this fucking mad-scientist test tube lab.

For Cole, it's "She'll never forgive me." Yes, this is still a lie. Because in reality, it's him who will never forgive himself.

19. What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they've been avoiding: Cole would attempt to just not speak, look-at, or interact with the person in any way, shape, or form. Mostly because he knows the moment they try to interact with him, it's over. They're Having a Conflict, because he can't not respond, which is WHY HE'S BEEN AVOIDING THEM.

Jay would try to keep interaction to a minimum, but also can't take the fucking silence, so he may actually try and resolve things, but is so fucking awkward about it. He'd keep testing the door handle just to see if it magically opens this time.

21. What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it: Cole will not take his shoes off indoors, unless he's in his own room, or staying for longer than an hour. You can vacuum the carpet, his shoes aren't dirty, what's the fucking issue. He will be made to take them off if you hit him WITH a shoe first.

Jay stands too close to people in lines at stores and the like. He doesn't seem to know he's doing it.

32. If they committed one petty crime/misdemeanor, what would it be and why: You assume either of these boys have only ever committed one crime lmao. I suppose the LEAST of the Things they have Done, would be something quite small. Jay has stolen from the store before, though usually nothing very big. (Mostly because he knows he can get away with it, and even if he IS caught, the penalty would match the value of the item, and he's not willing to potentially pay more for something he didn't want to pay for at all.)

Cole has - done graffiti in the lab, stolen and snuck back to his cell everything from pipettes to whole pieces of equipment that cost more than a good car, stolen a car, ATTEMPTED to steal a car, attempted homicide (not a misdemeanor, but he didn't manage to do it, so it counts), faked his own identity multiple times, and changed the gender signs on the restrooms.

He does it because are YOU going to stop him?

[emcapi-gaming]

@elizabethrobertajones: #how did they cope with scary lightning aspected things like Ramuh or the Aery? :O

Couple of ways!

One is that they started out as a conjurer, and picked up sage notably earlier than the game officially allows (still haven't decided whether white mage is canon for them in this AU, I think they may have gone right from conjurer -> sage). Arkose is really good at coming up with creative solutions (something Ardwin shares, but hasn't had as much necessity to develop the skill in the same way). So what they come up with here, which gets them through ARR until they've got the fully empowered Blessing of Light, is an earth-aspected shield spell which can nullify most levin-based magic that gets thrown at them (so long as they react fast enough to cast it in time).

The other, as mentioned, is that the full-power Blessing of Light provides them with pretty solid protection. It prevents corruption, which in Arkose's case, means that getting hit with levin won't make their imbalance worse, so they're no longer getting lingering symptoms if they miss a shield or two. This helps with Ramuh, since he only shows up during the ARR patches, after collecting all six of the jolly ranchers crystals of light - he's terrifying, but relatively manageable.

It helps less with the Aery, since Midgardsormr blocked all the crystals. Arkose makes it through by keeping the earth shield up basically the entire time, but it can't fully block out the environmental effects. Having to maintain their personal shield for so long, combined with handling normal healing and combat, drains their aether so badly that they collapse as soon as Nidhogg is dead.

Estinien has to haul them back to Ishgard to recuperate for several days from both overtaxing their aether and the worsened levinsickness symptoms before continuing on with the MSQ. (Arkose absolutely forbids Estinien from going to talk to Hraesvelgr without them, because they - with good reason - do not trust him not to be a total asshole and screw up the whole thing. Fortunately, Estinien is not immune to the Arkose Sad Puppy Dog Eyes. Nobody is immune to the Arkose Sad Puppy Dog Eyes.)

Also, in response to your other tag... come to think of it, I think Hydaelyn might be nudging them to keep them apart on purpose, because she's concerned about destabilizing the Elpis time loop. If they get too close to meeting, her memories start blurring on who Venat met in Elpis. If they stay apart, it's very clearly Arkose.

She knows that she only met one of them, so she has to make a choice. In her opinion, Ardwin seems very competent, but Arkose is doing very well as the WoL and has two major qualities that make her think they have a better chance of stopping the Final Days: the creative problem-solving, and the fact that they're significantly better at dealing with emotional stress. Arkose's main coping mechanism is humor, as opposed to Ardwin's repression, and they've actually been to therapy before and came out with a basic understanding of The Necessity Of Emotional Processing that Ardwin completely lacks at this point.

So, even though it feels rather cruel to keep them apart, it seems like the safest option, and she starts figuring out how to give them very subtle suggestions to keep them at a distance. It's different enough from her usual modus operandi that it takes some time for her to get the hang of it, leading to a lot of especially close misses early on that are very stressful for her, and very entertaining for the rest of us.

(There's a reason why she knows she only met one, but can't tell which: if they properly meet, they end up as co-WoLs. When they reach the point where Elidibus sends someone back to Elpis, he only has enough 'juice' for one of them. They literally flip a coin for it, hence the uncertainty. Unfortunately, Venat/Hydaelyn is working off very limited knowledge, so she assumes the two of them must be mutually exclusive.)

Some of the basics of the AU where Arkose is the main WoL:

They're still from S9/Heritage Found.

After their falling-out with Endless Sphene - and subsequent falling-in with Oblivion - but pre-Domebreak, they somehow manage to get ahold of the dimensional key.

Given the strength of their wish to Get The Fuck Out Of The Dome, they immediately get launched through the rift - and land on the other side of the world, somewhere deep in the Twelveswood, and some months before the start of ARR MSQ.

This results in a stable-time-loop situation.

Ardwin is still around somewhere, but literally and metaphorically missed the boat, and is off doing her own thing with a group of adventurers independent from the Scions. (They keep having increasingly comedic near-misses on meeting each other, though they may eventually meet after the time loop gets wrapped up.)

Since they've already had the Echo awakened (thanks a lot, educational VR documentary on the geological history of Yak T'el with all the meteorites), they get hit with the Hydaelyn Broadcast Special almost the second they come out of the rift and get the Blessing of Light, which results in some immediate improvement on the levinsickness front. They get some further improvement just from being out of the dome, though they also have to deal with some muscle atrophy (not to the same degree as in their original timeline as they got out of the dome earlier, but it's part of the reason for the time stretch from arrival -> jumping on board MSQ). They're still dealing with mild residual symptoms all the way through ShB up until the Ardbert Incident, though getting the full 6-crystal power-up in ARR at least solves the effective "permanent levin vuln debuff" issue.

Although their initial motivation was mostly just getting out for their own sake, Arkose definitely starts keeping an eye out for potential solutions to fix the horrible environmental situation inside the dome, and they're increasingly determined to make it back eventually and deal with Endless Sphene and Zoraal Ja - hopefully before they can carry out their invasion plans.

However, that'll be a teeny bit more complicated if they don't manage to keep the rest of the world in one piece long enough for the timeline to get caught up.

[loveharlow]

CHAPTER SYNOPSIS; [4.5k] JJ and Y/N are finally showing some sort of regret for their actions and it's only a matter of time before this whole spat of their comes to an end, not without proper apologies of course.

CHAPTER WARNING(S); swearing, mutual pining, mild angst, avoidance, the reader has an older sister because I said so and wanted to up the word count, FLUFF (it's been so long since y'all saw this word, I know I know)

*If you have your settings on dark mode, the text may appear black for you. i don't know why and I have tried to fix this. Sorry.

series masterlist

“MORNIN’ POOL PRINCESS.” John B croaked as you entered the kitchen where he and Kie were perched at the counter. Giving him a nod as a greeting as you rubbed the sleep out of your left eye. You sat yourself next to Kiara, and she nudged your shoulder in acknowledgment.

Once your eyes didn’t feel as stiff or dry, you blinked them open as a yawn escaped your throat. “Are we still on for today?” You asked tiredly, resting your chin in the palms of your hands while your elbows rested on the marble countertop.

“Actually, no.”

Directing your gaze to the messy-haired brunette boy sipping on a mug of coffee, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I thought-”

“Apparently, Sarah forgot to buy the tickets.” John B interrupted, seemingly annoyed at his girlfriend's lack of proper planning skills.

“And we can’t buy the tickets now because they’re sold out, so.” Kie added, scrolling through her messages on her phone.

“We’re just gonna go to the beach later today.” John B proclaimed. “There’s one not too far from here, but we heard it’s way too crowded during the day.”

You nodded in agreement as the three of you fell into a somewhat comfortable silence—Kie paying little mind as she texted who you presumed to be Mariana from the black hair in the contact picture. Yes, you were being nosy. Cope. Then there was John B, who looked to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed but was trying his best not to show it. You were starting to wonder if it had anything to do with what Sarah mentioned the other day, about them being in a tough place recently.

After a few moments passed, you lifted yourself from the bar stool and trotted over to the fridge, grabbing the half-full carton of orange juice and pouring yourself a glass. “I think I’m gonna head back into the room. See you.” You muttered before dragging your limp and tired frame back into your shared room with JJ.

Entering the room, you immediately noted the empty bed—lopsided pillows and covers thrown to the side.

“Oh,” you heard to your left, whipping your head to a certain blonde staring at you—phone in hand as he looked up. “There you are.”

You gave a slight ‘hm’ in response and rounded the bed to your side, picking up your phone from the nightstand and looking through your notifications. “Yeah, I was talking to JB and Kie. We’re supposed to go to the beach later.”

Now it was his turn to give a small ‘hm’ in response.

The tension between you was still clear as day but not as thick anymore. There was no more burning anger or crippling confusion, at least from your perspective anyway. It was just…odd.

You made no move to look up at him and continued catching up on what you had missed overnight—random Twitter posts, group text messages, story mentions.

“Can we talk?” And there it is.

Now, don’t get you wrong. You said there was no more burning anger; you were still upset. You just no longer wanted to sock him in the balls.

Side-eyeing him, you shrugged. “We just did.” He let out a long, defeated sigh—a tell-tale sign he was about to say something. Something you most likely did not want to hear. So, before he could speak, you did. “I’m gonna call Adele.” You said shortly, plopping down on the mattress with your back to him.

Adele is your sister, older by four years. She’s always one of the first people you turn to, and she knew all about your situation with JJ, more than Kiara, save for a few minor major and recent details.

“I’ll, uh, give you some space then.” He muttered before the sound of the bedroom door was heard opening then closing shut, your deep breath leaving your chest. You’d talk to JJ eventually, but you needed to sort your words out and clear your head first. You both clearly saw where speaking off the top of your heads had gotten you thus far.

Clicking on her contact, the phone rang before you heard a voice on the other line.

“Hey! How’s the trip-”

“I need your help on something.”

“SHE HATES ME.” JJ whined, throwing himself onto the mattress of Pope and Kie’s shared bed. Pope had just left the shower, throwing a hoodie over his head as he examined himself in the mirror. The bathroom door was wide open, allowing the two boys to communicate freely in separate parts of the bedroom.

“She does not. You’re just dramatic, and get your nasty-ass feet off the pillows.” Pope reprimanded.

JJ groaned and sat up properly on the mattress, a childish pout plastered on his face. “What am I going to do? She won’t talk to me, Pope. She’s probably venting to Adele about me as we speak, which would suck because Adele would kick my ass-”

“I won’t deny that.”

JJ and Adele had an almost brother-sister bond because of how long JJ and you had been friends. They annoyed each other and teased one another, but it’s all love at the end of the day. However, during their teasing and play fighting, JJ discovered Adele held a considerable amount of strength and refuses to get on her bad side to this day.

“For one,” Pope continued. “Y/N could never hate you.” He assured as he exited the bathroom, sitting himself next to JJ on the bed, facing him.

“I don’t know, man. This is different.” The blonde boy sighed. Pope proceeded to pull JJ's legs onto his own lap, patting his calf before speaking,

“Okay, well, I am now your therapist for the day. Talk to me.”

JJ sighed as he adjusted the cap on his head, moving his hands to rub on the thighs of his shorts nervously. “Okay, uhh, how do I start-”

“From the beginning. From whatever happened between you two that started this whole mess.”

“Alright, okay. Uh, it was that kegger about a year ago.” He began, easily recalling the chaos-filled night. “We were drunk, and I was coming onto her, and she wasn’t pushing me away; she was into it. Things sort of went from there, I guess?”

“Went from there?”

“I don’t know, man. We made out for a couple of hours, felt up on each other-”

“Hours?”

“Pope. You’re supposed to be listening, man.”

“Right. Sorry.” The boy held his hands up in mock surrender, a silent signal for the blonde to continue his story.

“Anyway,” JJ dismissed. “We had agreed that it was a one-time thing, that it wouldn’t happen again because we thought it was best for the group. But, I don’t know, I just couldn’t do it. Stay away from her, I mean. I tried, Pope, I really did. But that girl just does something to me.” He admitted, vulnerability shining through his features. “We let it go too far one time. Just one time-”

“Woah, woah,” Pope interrupted, eyes going wide at what he might hear as a response. “What do you mean exactly when you say you let it ‘go too far’?”

…

“JJ…”

The blonde averted his eyes and scratched the top of his baseball cap. “It was only once. I swear.”

“JJ.” Pope turned to fully face his longtime friend. “Did you and Y/N sleep together?” The blonde slowly nodded his head, and Pope threw his head back with a disappointed groan. “Well, this whole thing makes a whole lot more sense now! Dude! What the hell? When?”

“A couple of months back, around six months ago maybe? We didn’t mean for it to happen. That’s not to say I regret it.”

“Well, I can’t tell you much, JJ.” The boy admitted solemnly. “What I can tell you is that no matter how strongly she feels about you, no matter how much she loves you—in a romantic way or not—she’s not gonna wait around forever. We both know that Y/N is caring and patient, but everyone has their breaking point. If she feels like you’re taking her kindness for a weakness, she won’t hesitate to leave. You know that. And she seems to have given you more chances than I expect she would if it were anyone else.”

JJ nodded shamefully in agreement, biting the inside of his cheek in contemplation.

“So, I’ll give you this-” Pope started up once again. “An ultimatum—either you tell her how you feel by the end of today-” He paused to raise his phone in the hand that remained mainly out of sight during their conversation, revealing the device unlocked and recording. “-Or I’ll just let her listen to our entire conversation.”

JJ's eyes went wide, his frame shooting up in the bed in a swift and desperate attempt to get the phone—only for Pope to draw his arm back out of reach and quickly stand from the bed.

“Pope-”

“Make a choice, JJ.” He taunted, ending the recording but still edging away from the frantic blonde who was now up and on his feet, closing the space between the two.

“Pope, c’mon man.”

“Time’s ticking…”

“Okay! Okay, I’ll do it, just fucking delete it!” JJ exclaimed, now standing inches away from Pope after his last futile attempt to gain control over the situation.

“I will once you tell her!” Pope proclaimed, pocketing his phone in his shorts. Crossing his arms over his chest and looking his friend in the eyes, Pope raised his eyebrows. “Better get to writing, my friend. You have a love confession to make.” He teased.

“GUYS! SUN’S SETTING!” Sarah’s voice bellowed through the house. You had just finished tying the strings on your bikini top, still letting your sister’s words ring around in your head.

“Life goes on. Either you keep trying or let him go, but it’s up to you.”

Talking to her really did help to weigh your options, observe your situation. You weren’t in high school anymore. You were adults, and it was time you acted like it. Whatever happened to JJ and you in the long run, you’d just have to accept it.

So, grabbing your beach tote and slinging it over your shoulder, adjusting the sunglasses atop your head—you left the room to join the others out in the foyer.

“Always the last one down.” John B teased.

“Always loud and wrong.” You shot back playfully, reaching the bottom of the stairs and plucking the backwards baseball cap off the top of his head.

“Alright,” Sarah began. “The beach is about 45 minutes away. You guys wanna stop to get food or no?”

Everyone agreed that you would, and you headed out of the house to pile into the car.

About halfway there, you stopped at a drive-thru to eat something quick and continued on to the beach, the boys covering their ears as you girls sang at the top of your lungs to the radio with the sole purpose of annoying them.

“UGH, THIS IS MAKING ME HOMESICK. I MISS OUR BEACHES BACK HOME.” Sarah groaned as she walked at the forefront of the group, your feet digging into the warm, damp sand as you made your way closer to the shore.

“Is this a good spot to set up the chairs?” John B asked, to which you all nodded and unfolded the lawn chairs you brought with you, digging the legs of them into the sand.

The beach was dark and calm, with only two other groups of people, that you could see anyway. Sitting down, John B cracked open the beers and passed them around the group, and things pretty much took off from there.

Cracked a few jokes, shared some laughs, now you were playing never have I ever.

“Okay, Okay,” Kie spoke through laughs. “Never Have I Ever… kissed more than one person in twenty-four hours.”

“Okay, that’s not even fair!” John B defended as the group broke out into laughter. “It was ninth grade…”

“They were twins!” Kiara croaked out through her hearty laughs, a hand placed on her stomach as she practically fell out, making you all laugh harder.

In the midst of your carelessness, none of you had noticed one of the girls from the other group on the beach had made her way over, tapping JJ on the shoulder as she approached behind his chair.

“Hey…” She said flirtatiously, shifting her weight and twirling a strand of her brunette hair. She looked about your age—her slim frame adorned in a bikini that barely covered much, sand stuck to her thighs, and her hair damp from the water. Your group fell into a stunned, awkward silence due to the intrusion. “You from around here?”

“Uh, no. I’m not.” He answered hesitantly, whipping his head from her to you all—to you? You all cut your staring and fell back into chatter, meaningless as you tried to talk while also eavesdropping.

It couldn't have been more than two minutes before the girl was walking back to her respective group, where her friends were watching and giggling as she made her way back. JJ turned back around in his chair, his cheeks blown as if he was holding back a laugh.

“She’s gonna call someone, but it’s not gonna be me. I pray she isn’t bold enough to send a nude as a first text or something.”

“You gave her the wrong number?” John B added, his expression one of surprise. JJ nodded and leaned back in his chair, sipping on the nearly empty beer in his hand. “JJ? Turning down women? Guys, I think hell has finally frozen over.”

“Ha, ha.” He retorted. “I’ve actually been chilling for a little while, if you haven't noticed.” He glared at his friends. “And she’s not my type.” He said flatly, staring directly at you with no indication that he was trying to hide it.

You felt your cheeks grow hot, and you were not going to let him know that he was getting to you, not after everything that happened in the last few days. What was up with him anyway? So, sitting your beer on the ground, you got up from your chair and shimmied out of your shorts to reveal your bikini bottom.

“I’m gonna go for a swim.” You announced, getting hums of acknowledgment before heading off on your own. Reaching the edge of the water, the waves hit your toes before receding back. The water was cool, not too cold. It prompted you to go further, just until the water hit right under your chest.

Your thoughts were running amok in your mind, clouding your brain with every thought you’d set aside. You took two handfuls of the cool, salt water and splashed it on your face. Surprisingly, it helped.

Your nerves jumped for a second when you felt two cold hands on your shoulders, whipping around with a yelp to face Kiara, who was holding back a laugh with her hands up in surrender. “Kie! What the hell?”

“Relax.” She drawled. “I was just coming over to see how you were doing.” You crossed your arms over your chest to rub your forearms, which were growing slightly cold due to the water that got splashed on them, and Kie ran her hands through the water, waiting on you to speak.

“I’m doing better, I guess.”

“Anything new about you and JJ?”

“There is no ‘me and JJ.’ So, no. Nothing new.”

The brunette girl scoffed and looked off to the side. “Jeez, y’know I miss when you would look at that boy like he hung the stars in the sky himself. Now, everything is so…negative.”

You shrugged and drew your lips into a thin line, pushing your eyebrows up for a quick second. “Yeah well, shit happens. Things change.”

“Things like what? C’mon, don’t leave me out of the loop. I was the first groupie.” She pleaded like a begging puppy. You groaned but ultimately decided to confide in her. She practically knew everything anyway.

“We got into a small argument last night, and I talked to Adele about it earlier, and I’ve just been going over what she said.”

“Well, what did she say?”

“That I have to make a choice, basically. A whole bunch of shit about entering the adult world and learning to make hard decisions, for better or for worse.”

“Your sister’s always right, somehow.” Kie stated, you nodding in agreement.

“I just-”

“Mind if I steal her for a moment?” A raspy voice spoke from behind Kie, her turning, and you peering over her shoulder to find the topic of conversation standing nervously.

Before you could respond yourself, Kiara was speaking for you. “Yeah, go ahead.” She said, turning back to you and wiggling her fingers as you glared at her before she headed towards the shore. You turned your back to face JJ, staring at the moon that you didn’t even know had risen.

“Can you look at me?” He sounded so desperate that you couldn’t help but turn around to meet his eyes. He couldn’t be more than a ruler’s length away from you, the moonlight illuminating his hair, making his blonde strands shine even more than they normally do.

You had a feeling that the Pogues were watching from the beach, but you knew they couldn’t hear a thing.

“So…you wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah, I uh,” JJ stuttered, playing with the water around him and taking a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize.” Your demeanor fell, your hard expression faltering. “Actually apologize. For everything. Everything I said and did. And everything I didn’t say and didn’t do.”

“JJ…”

“Just let me do this. Please?” He pleaded, hands open and eyes wide. You sighed and nodded for him to go on. He brought his hands in front of him, wringing them together as a nervous tick. “The first night when we kissed, I was happy. Happy because I liked you for so long, but I didn’t think you felt the same way, and that night showed me something different. It showed me that there was a chance. But it was like when morning came, all of the guilt came with it. I thought about how what happened would have destroyed our friendship and caused problems within the group, so that’s why I made that deal—that it was a one-time thing.”

He looked up to stop the tears falling that were brimming in his waterline.

“But I knew from that moment that it was a lie. I could try and try to get myself away from you, but it

would never work. But I didn’t want to put that on you. The same guilt that I had settled myself with, I didn’t want that for you. So, I tried. But anytime either of us got too close to one another, it was game over, really. And the one time that we…” He lowered his gaze directly in line with yours, a silent agreement that you both knew the night he was referring to.

“Look, I know you don’t want to hear a timeline of events that you’ve lived through, so I’ll just get on with it.” He urged himself. “When you started to ask questions, about what we were and what was going on, I never had an answer for you. Because I knew what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure if I was what you needed. I would get caught up in my own thoughts and reservations that I would scare myself out of giving you the answer you wanted. It was always on the tip of my tongue, just like it is now.”

He waded closer, barely any space between you now as his voice lowered to just above a whisper.

“I love you. Possibly more than I love anyone else I’ve ever known. And I’ve been an asshole, I know that. I put you through hell because of my own insecurities, and I won’t blame you if you can’t forgive me. But you needed to know that. You need to know that I love you, and I have for quite a while now, and I’m ready to say it, to own it. And I’m prepared for however you react because I know that I waited too long to do this.”

By this point, hot tears had gathered in your own eyes. JJ and you were close, so you had seen him at what you had presumed was his worst. But you were wrong. This, this, was his lowest point. He was vulnerable and open and honest—all the things he hated to be in the public eye and even in front of the people you call friends and family. So, you knew that everything he had said came from a place he buried deep within himself.

You’d be lying to yourself if you sat here and said that these last two days hadn’t been hell. Not because JJ put you through it, but because it felt like you were drifting apart. JJ had been your rock for years—your shoulder to cry on without judgment. Even with your ups and downs, he would always be there. Thinking about what Adele said earlier, about making decisions and being an adult.

This was the time for that. You wouldn’t ignore what you’ve been through recently, but he was right—you needed to own up to it.

“It’s not all on you,” you started, reaching out to put one of your hands over both of his. “I was stupid.” His face fell, and you could tell he was going to try and reassure you, but you looked at him and shook your head, a signal to let you finish. “I was, and I cannot put that on you, and I won’t let you take all the blame for what’s happened. I won’t let you do that to yourself.”

You pursed your lips together before speaking again. “When things started, at the kegger, I was relieved. Because I had gone back and forth about my feelings for you for years. And I thought that you had realized you felt something for me too. So yeah, the morning after that night crushed me a little bit. It knocked down almost every single piece of hope I gained. And every time you came back, that hope would keep building and get knocked again. And at some point, I realized what I was doing to myself. I was hurting myself by loving you. That’s why I started to ask questions. Because I needed to know. To know if it was worth it.”

Your hands traveled up his arms to link together behind his neck. “And I won’t lie to you. I was starting to think that it wasn’t. I started to think that you’re JJ and you ‘don’t do relationships.’ That thought brought me the comfort I needed at night to sleep. Because I couldn’t think of any other reasonable reason why my best friend didn't feel like my best friend. I’ll admit, I still don’t fully understand where we went wrong, the miscommunications, any of it. But I think we can get there—get to a point of understanding.”

JJ's hands unlinked from one another and went to your waist, his forehead falling against yours. “I want to try this. But we both have to want this, JJ. And we both have to try.”

You felt him nod against you, his head craning up to place a kiss on your forehead. “I swear to you, I’ll do my best. I want this. I do. And I’ll prove it to you, only if you let me.”

You stood wordlessly in each other’s arms for a few passing moments, at some point your head dropped to rest on his chest as his arms encircled you in an embrace. You weren’t crazy or delusional. You knew this didn’t erase anything you had said or done to each other in the past two days, before that even. It would take time, and maybe a lot of it. But if you saw some kind of worth or value in working towards doing better, for yourselves and one another, then this was a moment to be cherished.

Because it’s a starting point. A good one. A better one. And this time, you didn’t have to convince yourself of anything. You didn’t have to draw from context clues or body language to plead your case, to find some kind of saving grace. It was all here—laid out and in the open. He loved you, and you loved him.

After a while, you lifted your head away from him to look up and meet his eyes. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing this, but at least this will be the last time.” You half-joked. “What are we?”

And he just looked down at you with the most adoring expression you had ever seen. One of his hands came up from its place under the water on your waist to cup your cheek, drops of water dripping down as his thumb caressed your face.

“Well, I was hoping this meant that I could call you my girlfriend.”

Then you tried your best to bite back a smile as your cheeks grew hot, the heat crawling up to your ears. “I think…” You started nervously, biting the inside of your bottom lip. “I think I’d like that.”

“Yeah?” A boyish smile broke out onto his face.

“Yeah…” You whispered. Both of your pupils were blown wide, and you felt this overwhelming rush of a feeling you couldn’t quite place, but it felt…good. Really good. “Before we head back though…” You started with a mischievous glint in your eyes. “I’d like to put in my first official girlfriend request.”

His eyebrows arched in curiosity, and you’re pretty sure you saw some amusement in there. “Oh yeah? What?”

Wrapping your legs around his waist under the water, you gazed into his eyes, your gaze only shifting for a second to look at his lips that were slightly parted. “Kiss me.” You whispered.

“Well, you didn’t have to ask for that.” Was all he said before he was leaning forward so his lips could meet yours, his hands trailing down to hold your thighs and pull you more into him. When you started to pay attention to your surroundings, you could hear the whoops and cheers of your obnoxiously loud friends all the way from the shore.

“Whoo!”

“It’s about time!”

You could feel JJ smile into the kiss at their antics, prompting one to spread on your own face, breaking the kiss, but you made no move to create space between one another. “They’re ridiculous.” JJ laughed.

“Gotta love ‘em for it.” You assured, moving your face back so you could look at each other normally.

“NOW BRING YOUR ASSES BACK OVER HERE SO WE CAN PLAY TRUTH OR DARE!” Kie bellowed from the beach.

“We should probably-”

“Yeah.” But the blonde made no move to put you down, turning around and walking you both back to shore as the waves moved around you.

And as you came back into clear view of your friends, your people. The night felt right. And you felt happy and warm. Content.

Whatever happens from here, at least you gave it a fair chance.

But right now? You couldn’t be any happier.

General taglist; @livlaughquinn

JJ Maybank Taglist; @ronnieissupermegafoxyawesomehot @maybankslover

Bittersweet escape taglist (please use my inbox to be added, just ask:)); @totallynotkaibiased @magnificantmermaid @livlaughquinn @maybaenk @honeynicoole @lomlhs-blog

feedback is appreciated! thanks for reading.

©loveharlow

[catcas22]

The Shadows of the Twin Prodigies

Magnus and Cleo, shadows to Malenia and Miquella, respectively. Backstories below the cut.

Magnus

Malenia was around four years old when the Rot first manifested. There was a significant period of utter panic, where she was isolated from everyone aside from Radagon and the occasional healer in order to prevent the Rot from spreading.

As her parents slowly discovered the nature of her curse, it became apparent that the Rot could not be spread through simple contact or proximity, and Malenia was allowed to be with her brothers and their shadows once more.

However, the damage had already been done. Her shadow, Magnus, never really got over being separated from his charge. For a shadow-beast compelled to protect, being prevented from carrying out his duties of guardianship was a psychologically devastating experience.

Magnus carried rather severe attachment issues, growing to be a rather prickly and volatile individual. Despite desperately wishing to be understood, he would lash out at anyone who he perceived to be offering pity or sympathy -- although these outbursts always involved threats rather than actual violence.

When Malenia began her training with the Blind Swordsman, Magnus insisted on accompanying her on every outing. He served as her primary sparing partner, his size and strength making him a worthy opponent even for a demigod.

He is an intensely proud (and insecure) individual, and he believes that Malenia is the only person to truly care for him without pitying him. He has a gut-level jealousy toward Miquella, though when pressed he will admit that such feelings are not rational. He's never really gotten along with Miquella at all -- Miquella has an ingrained need to help and solve problems, and Magnus hates for people to notice the problems that he so clearly has.

Blaidd once tried to befriend the younger shadow, but Magnus ran him off in a hurry. Maliketh is really the only other person he feels comfortable with -- his uncle was the one to look after him while Malenia was being quarantined.

Cleo

Like Miquella, Cleo never grew beyond childhood. Despite her outwardly cheerful temperament, she is still a shadow. The idea that her physical limitations might prevent her from defending her charge weighed heavily on her.

Her primary coping mechanism has been avoidance. She tends to be a bit jumpy and anxious, and prefers to skirt around uncomfortable topics. Some would say she is overly sensitive. She is still a genuinely compassionate and kind individual. During Miquella's outings as St. Trina, she would bundle up to disguise her wolven features and follow him in the guise of another perfumer. Even if she could not realistically do much to defend him, she still felt that it was her responsibility to keep watch.

She is a quick learner, and easily picked up Miquella's skill with herbs and potions. Although she never shared his talent for incantations, she likely could have become a renown perfumer if given the proper training.

Cleo looks up to Magnus, almost to the degree of hero worship -- in her eyes, he is everything that a shadow should be. She still finds him a bit intimidating. She remembers Radagon fondly. He tried to teach her incantations along with Miquella, and despite her lack of aptitude she recalls him being a patient teacher.

After Miquella's stolen Erdtree sapling began to grow, the Greater Will activated the two shadows against the twins. Cleo happened to be the closest when the switch flipped. Ironically, Miquella's curse saved his life -- had Cleo been a fully grown shadow-beast, it is doubtful that Malenia would have been able to pull her off of him in time. He still has the scar, a line of small teeth-marks wrapping around his chest and shoulder, a scar which he has carried as a sort of memorial ever since.

In all likelihood, Miquella's curse saved Cleo's life as well. Due to her small size and limited strength, Malenia was able to subdue her without killing her.

As soon as she put together what was happening, Malenia left Miquella with Ranni and Blaidd. Then she raced out to the hidden alcove where the sapling had been planted, and sat down to wait for Magnus.

By the time Radagon and Godwyn arrived, the duel was already over. Having failed again and again to reach him, Malenia finally incapacitated her shadow by cutting off his leg.

The twins departed from Leyndell not long after, bringing their heavily sedated shadows along with them. As time went on, the two managed to fight back against their compulsion to a certain extent. A pair of unalloyed needles helped. Even so, being in proximity to their charges was agony, and the compulsion to attack faded with distance.

While the twins worked to establish the Haligtree, the twin shadows took up residence in the ruins of the ancient town of Ordina. For a long while, Magnus made do with a peg-leg and a cane. Eventually, Miquella crafted him a replacement leg. For the first time, Magnus felt he could accept his shadow-brother's aid -- the gift was a mark of trust, giving Magnus back his full mobility and his power as a warrior. Although he has never set eyes upon the Haligtree, he guards Ordina diligently.

Cleo continued to hone her skills as an apothecary and herbalist. Corresponding via letters, she helped Miquella refine his specialized strain of Trina's lilies, as well the soporifics that they produced. Cleo eventually fell into the habit of Dreamwalking -- in the dream realm, she was free from the nagging pull of her compulsion. After Miquella's disappearance, she spent more and more time in the dream realm, hoping to find him.

[howaboutcastiel]

I Don't Know How

Summary: Well… what the hell do we do now? Steven orders some trinkets, Marc applies for some jobs. Steven’s unknown past starts to catch up with him. This chapter may be a bit underwhelming as a standalone, but it’s still got that sweet sweet angst and hopefulness that I pray keeps my readers well-fed. Masterlist.

Word Count: 3.4k (These will start getting longer soon) No proofreading we die like illiterates

~~

When Marc and Steven finally got their living situation back into order, it became clear that there was not much for them to do to pass the time. Steven’s job at the museum was long gone, but not that he could complain. He was happy to never be yelled at by Donna again. Marc had no more work to do either—something he had not said in several years, as Khonshu had dragged him to every corner of the world in a constant thirst for vengeance. 

They tried at first to enjoy the lack of responsibility. Steven picked over every book in his library, reading everything from textbooks on architecture to contemporary novels about teen-aged romance. Eventually, Marc had to stage an intervention when The Complete Works of Shakespeare had turned Steven’s entire inner monologue into iambic pentameter. 

Marc, in contrast, had much more difficulty figuring out what to do with himself. He couldn’t sit still long enough to watch television—and unlike Steven, reading was definitely out of the question. His immediate thought was to take up woodworking or some other productive, creative skill, but that had quickly abandoned the thought of bringing raw materials into the already-crowded studio flat, even after Steven offered to get rid of some books to make room. Marc tried for a while to focus on bodybuilding, and it would have worked out wonderfully, except for the fact that he simply didn’t know when to quit and his alter didn’t take kindly at all to the sore muscles and chalky protein shakes. Finally, he was out of ideas. Marc had exhausted every coping skill he’d used since childhood. The only one he had left was choosing not to front at all, which Steven fought tooth and nail to remind him was counterproductive. 

“I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do,” he admitted to Steven. “I can’t just sit around all day. It just makes more sense for you to handle the body. You have a routine, and I only seem to be making things worse every time I try to do something.”

Steven was having none of it. “You’re not making things worse. You just need to find something you enjoy doing that’s actually healthy. Why don’t you try video-games or something?”

“Call of Duty isn’t all that fun when you’re a combat vet, Steven.” He tried his hand at less violent games, actually starting to enjoy MineCraft quite a bit, but Marc felt ridiculous spending his time in front of a TV screen. 

“Don’t you know how to just relax?” Steven had finally asked. It was more of a jab of frustration than anything, but Marc had taken the question to heart. When was the last time he had just relaxed?

“No. I guess I don’t.”

So, after several heated discussions, the two of them agreed that it was time to apply for a job. The pay wasn’t really a point of concern—Marc’s mercenary earnings totaled a small fortune that could support them for years to come—but the sense of purpose was something that both of them dreadfully needed. Steven enjoyed his leisure time, but he didn’t function well without the routine. If left with the body all day, he’d often forget to eat or he’d fall back into the habit of staying up most of the night. Marc needed the structure just as much. He was used to keeping himself busy, too busy to worry or leave his mind to wander to its darker places. A full-time job would allow him to continue that pattern, at least to the extent that Layla and Steven would let him. 

They filled out applications in Steven’s name and in Marc’s, depending on who would likely be doing the bulk of socializing at work. Steven Grant applied for several positions at local colleges, narrowly avoiding any places with connections to the British Museum. He applied for marketing, teaching, research, and anything else that would permit him to continue collecting knowledge about random corners of the earth. The only issue, he contended, was that Steven didn’t have any certifications for jobs in such areas. Technically, his employment records at the museum were the only proof of experience he had, and “has read several hundred books in the last two months” was a far-from-convincing area of expertise to put on a resume. 

“If we’re careful, I can get you some documents to bulk up your applications,” Marc finally offered when he saw Steven close one too many job applications requiring a college degree. “Maybe the guy that made your ID for the museum job is still available. Or I guess I could call Lagaro, if she’d even talk to me…”

“You made a fake ID for me?” Steven interjected. “How the hell d’you do that?”

Marc shook off the question. “I think it’s best that you don’t ask me that. Just be glad my guy’s good, or you’d never have gotten that job at the museum in the first place.”

“Suppose that’s true.” Steven tore his attention from the application sites, instead pulling up an Amazon tab to look for more home decor. The place was looking even more lackluster now that it was organized and free of sand. “I guess, now that I think about it, everything of mine must be a forgery.”

Marc grumbled at the Return of the Jedi poster on the screen. “If it makes you feel any better, so is mine. Hard to renew your passport when you’re an international fugitive.”

“Thanks, mate. That does not make me feel better.”

Steven had had to practically force the information out of Marc, but he’d come to learn that episode 6 was his favorite Star Wars movie. There was something about the final battle with Palpatine that he cherished a lot—a father protecting his son at the price of his own identity, maybe, or perhaps it was the notion of being able to choose good over evil no matter how far gone one already was. Regardless of the reason, Steven had noted the information and now he was ordering a poster to hang above their desk. It would accompany the Cubs poster that was already in shipping. Steven made a mental note to watch the trilogy once he finished his current book series. Despite his reluctance to admit it, Marc seemed very fond of the franchise, and he wanted to see what all of the fuss was about. 

In the meantime of waiting for a few counterfeit degrees and certificates, Steven stepped aside for Marc to fill out some applications of his own. The jobs that he looked for were much simpler. Marc did best with manual labor, something that required less interaction with other people or at the very least wasn’t contingent on his customer service skills. He applied for a few landscaping jobs, stocking positions for chain stores, and clean-up crews for larger city events. He made quick work of matching Steven’s number of applications, mostly because he didn’t feel strongly about any of them. 

By the time they had gotten Steven’s ‘credentials’ in place, they had already been rejected from most of the positions. Neither of them could remember the application process being this difficult before, but then neither of them had done much job-searching either. Marc’s discharge from the military had been the last time he was looking for work, and his position as a mercenary had not exactly followed the typical hiring process. Steven honestly couldn’t remember how he’d managed to get his museum job, but he wasn’t entirely convinced by Marc’s assurance that his connections to artifact dealers had nothing to do with it. 

Steven managed to land an interview with an antique shop near Docklands, as well as an online university based in the United States. Marc landed two interviews as well, one for a dock-loading position at a furniture store, and one for the position of groundskeeper at an estate in the suburbs. They had butted heads over which position to take—given the choice of more than one of them, that is—until the interview with the owner of the West Wickham estate. 

She had arranged the meeting to be in person. It wasn’t difficult to understand why, as she had had enough of a difficult time with the simple phone call to plan the interview. Her name was Mrs. Bamford—a feeble old woman who couldn’t have been younger than eighty-years old. The estate that she owned was nestled into the affluent suburbs in West Wickham, easily concealed by the endless rows of near-identical houses that ran in each direction. When Marc first arrived on the property, he had noted to Steven how overgrown the whole place was. Mrs. Bamford was obviously unable to do much upkeep herself, having the expected limited range of mobility of someone her age. She had beckoned him inside cheerfully and, aside from the layers of dust on all of the furniture, the inside of the near-mansion was meticulously ordered and clean. 

“Such a nice day, isn’t it?” She had asked while offering him tea and biscuits. Marc politely declined, both because he wasn’t hungry and because the biscuits sitting on her kitchen table looked to be rock hard and nearly as old as her. Mrs. Bamford wore a permanent warm smile that only widened when she sat down opposite Marc in the dimly-lit study. He tried to sit straight, though the chairs with which she’d furnished the room were barely fit for adult bodies, more resembling children’s toys. 

“I must admit, I was very surprised to read the qualifications on your application,” she began. Mrs. Bamford pulled her reading glasses down the bridge of her nose as she rustled the papers in front of her. “It’s quite impressive, really. I couldn’t imagine why you’d be looking for a job such as this. So tell me, Mr. Grant, why are you interested in groundskeeping for my estate?”

…Mr. Grant?

Oh. Shit. 

Marc recalled now how he’d absentmindedly attached the resume to his application. He hadn’t even thought twice about checking if it was the right document—it had said resume in the title, after all. He must have applied for the groundskeeper job under Steven’s name, with Steven’s credentials. Well, Steven’s fake credentials, but all the same. Of course this woman was wondering why a man with experience exclusively in academia and marketing was wanting to work a shit-paying position as a glorified landscaper. 

“Oh, well…” Marc tried to think up an explanation before the silence could draw out too long. He couldn’t very well tell her that the resume was fabricated, could he? He certainly wouldn’t correct her on the name she’d referred to him with. She would have some questions for sure, though, if Steven himself did peek out for a chat. “I’m in a… transitional stage right now. The office jobs are not—I don’t think I can do those anymore. I want something more simple. More, uh… hands on.”

Yeah, okay. That sounded convincing enough. Mrs. Bamford furrowed her brows at his response, clearly thinking it over with great scrutiny. 

When she finally spoke up, he couldn’t make out her tone. “Do you want this job for what it is, Mr. Grant, or for what it’s not? I would like some assurance that you’re willing to commit yourself to maintaining my home.”

Marc was quick to respond. “Yes ma’am, I am willing to commit. I applied for this job because I want this job. I can promise you that I’ll take it very seriously.”

There was a rumbling feeling inside of Marc that grew as the interview went on. This old woman—her feeble stature, her soft and warm voice, her ability to assert herself in spite of them—made him anxious to please her. His answers grew more genuine and casual then, as it occurred to him that he truly did want this job. He wanted to take care of this woman, to make sure her home was as safe and beautiful as she wanted it to be. As she started to wrap up the interview, Steven’s voice echoed softly in his head. He hadn’t spoken this whole time, and Marc hadn’t even been sure he was listening. 

This is what mum was supposed to be like. 

And that little statement, as quick and quiet as it rang in their mind, was enough to make both of them as sure as a person could be that they certainly needed this job. The words cut into Marc, compressing his lungs and stabbing his tongue, and another warm smile was sent his way by Mrs. Bamford as he cleared his throat. 

“You sure you wouldn’t like a cuppa, dear?”

He shook his head, pressing his mouth into a somber smile that substituted for the pleasantries he couldn’t manage to choke out. The interview had gone well up to this point, and he certainly wasn’t going to ruin it now with an emotional outburst. Marc’s chest rattled as he tried discreetly to suppress the burning in his lungs. Mrs. Bamford continued on explaining the expectations of the position, until a pregnant pause made his brain short-circuit for a moment. 

He blinked at her, replaying the sentence she’d just said in his mind. 

She’d just offered him the job. 

Simple, flexible hours. Mediocre pay—not that it mattered. All that she asked was for him to check in with her regularly, at least twice a week, and to do it in person. She didn’t take kindly to fighting a losing battle with her email and flip-phone, which already pushed the limitations of her technological skills. As long as the grass stayed cut and the weeds stayed out of her flower garden, she wouldn’t complain. He touted a list of meticulous tasks for him to complete, but it wasn’t hard to grasp that she was just happy to have someone around to help. Marc promised himself he would check every box on her list, he’d keep the place right to her liking. Especially the flowers.

He and Steven shared enthusiasm in quickly and fervently accepting the job.  

~~~

That night, when the two of them got back to their flat, there was a package waiting by Steven’s door. They knew immediately that it must be the Cub’s poster, plus a few other rogue decorations that Steven had bought. Marc let go of the body, leaving Steven to excitedly unpack everything. He’d bought several knickknacks that matched Marc’s sci-fi interests, but the item that warmed him the most was one he had almost forgotten about.

A new decoration for Gus’s tank. 

Well, he supposed now that it wasn’t Gus’s tank anymore. It was decidedly not-Gus’s tank. Plus the new second fish that he’d left Marc to name, now aptly called ‘Fish.” The decoration was a stone Millennium Falcon meant to look like it had crashed at the bottom of the tank. It was hollow, allowing for fish to swim freely in and out of it, and it would be a nice contrast to the barren look of the tank as it was now. Steven pulled it out of its packaging, chuckling softly to himself as he held the spaceship in his hands. 

“Hey Marc, bet you’ve always wanted to fly this thing, haven’t you?” Marc conveyed a gesture reminiscent of rolling his eyes at Steven. “Got to admit, it paints a grim picture though, doesn’t it? Having it sat at the bottom of the tank, like someone’s crashed it. We can just pretend that what’s-his-name made it out safely before that.”

“Han Solo.” Marc grumbled.

“Hmm?”

“His name. Han Solo.”

“Right,” Steven chuckled again. “Still haven’t got ‘round to watching those with you. Maybe we can watch them with Layla some time. Until then, though, guess I’ll just have to make up my own story for what a spaceship is doing at the bottom of my fish tank.”

Steven managed to place the decoration without making too much of a mess, but a few splashes of water did stream down the sides of the tank. He pulled everything off of the front of it, trying to save the postcards from water damage. It wasn’t until he found himself staring at the text “Welcome to Austria!” that Steven paused to examine the cards he’d only now realized were not from his mother. 

“You sent all of these.” It wasn’t a question, more like a resignation to a fact that Steven was surprised hadn’t hit him up to this point. Marc surged forward as Steven’s breath began to quicken. His hands, their hands, were cold and shaky. For the first time, Marc had no idea what Steven was thinking. 

“Yeah, bud. I sent them.”

There was silence for a while. Marc half-expected Steven to yell at him, or that the grief would overtake the both of them and they’d become a crying mess, just as they had been so often since their return to London. Nothing of that sort happened, though, and Marc grew more uneasy as the silence droned on. Steven flipped the card over in his hands, catching his nails on the edges and dragging them down in a rhythmic motion. 

“That must have hurt you a lot,” Steven finally said. That was probably the very last thing Marc expected to hear. 

“What?”

Steven’s grip turned harsh, crumpling the paper. “It must have been painful, yeah? Pretending you were her. Pretending that—that she was still here.

…pretending that she cared.”

Marc wanted to protest, to claim that it didn’t hurt him. To repeat the mantra he’d told himself this whole time, that he would do whatever it takes to keep Steven safe. No matter the cost. He couldn’t lie to himself now, though, and he damn sure couldn’t lie to Steven either. 

“I thought it would help. I thought, maybe… you wouldn’t ask why she never answered the phone.”

“Yeah,” Steven sighed. “I think maybe I should have asked that sooner, shouldn’t I? I should have noticed so much of the stuff that was out of place. There was a lot of stuff out of place.”

“You weren’t supposed to notice, Steven. That’s the—” That’s the whole point of you, Marc had to stop himself from saying. “That’s why I did all of this. You needed the hope. The—the happiness.”

Steven shook his head. 

“I just didn’t realize that every time you gave me that hope, every time you fought for my happiness…” He put his head in his hands, dropping the card on the table. “That it cost you so much of your own.”

~~~

Before he officially started, Marc took a day or two to survey the grounds of the estate. It wasn’t the overgrowth that unsettled him, but the sheer inaccessible condition of the entire property. He thought it was a wonder that Mrs. Bamford had managed to go about her life without falling on the muddy, moss-covered steps of the porch. Several of the stones in the path to her drive were cracked or moved and Marc could have torn the railing clean off of each of the staircases with a half-hearted yank. Some sort of accident was bound to happen.

He was already forming a plan to order new banisters as he left the grounds. Marc may not officially be starting until the first of the next week, but that didn’t stop him from planning to throw himself full-force into whipping the home into shape. Marc said goodbye for the night to Mrs. Bamford before shutting the gate behind him. He was half-way to the bus stop when a ping on his phone alerted him. 

Layla: Leaving for Dubai in the morning. Sort of a last minute thing. 

Then, a few beats later.

Layla: Wouldn’t mind seeing you before I leave. Just in case, you know? 

Layla: You busy tonight?  

So, by the time the bus arrived at the stop, Marc had himself a date.

~~~

Listen... I know this is not how the hiring process works. Leave me BE.

@n1ght5h4d3-24 @magicwithaknife @rmoonstoner @nervouslaught3r @unavoidabledirewolf @kbakery @mccn-bcys @gingermous @avatarofseshat @damreonsgirl @dragons-are-my-favorite @k8esilver @competentpotato @theconsultingdoctor10 @rayrlupin @moony-artemis @nerdory10 @valkyrieace

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[fandsart]

If Nancy really treated Steve's essay as garbage because she started to resent him or thought their relationship was meaningless, that's such a cruel thing to do. Obviously the essay meant much to Steve, it's very important for his future, Nancy fucking that up leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like why would she want to sabotage Steve in that way, especially after he told her how much she means to him and how he wants to build a life with her. It always bugs me when people claim Steve was terrible to her, meanwhile he always made sure to tell her how much he loves her.

I still think Nancy exaggerated with criticism because her own writing is more bland and direct. Like she's a calculated and cool person, which would reflect in her writing, she gets straight to the point. Where Steve used a metaphor and was not direct at all. (I also am still a believer that the basketball game itself was a metaphor for him fighting the demogorgon a year prior, but he obviously can't write about that). And you know sometimes direct straight to the point writing is great especially for reporting. But still it shows there is a lack of skills there, which the ST narrative would never touch on because Nancy is perfect in everything.

I don't think Nancy intentionally sabotaged him or anything. I just think that we were given that scene for narrative reasons, to show certain incompatibilities subtly. I suggested the idea that she was looking for things to critique about it, but it would be all subconscious. Especially when she views him as kind of dumb, she'd be going in with the preconception that there are mistakes to be corrected

Nancy saying she doesn't know how the two subjects Steve wrote about connect could be a parallel to Steve and Nancy not connecting, though I don't think that's intentional

But I do think it shows that Nancy doesn't have much ability to analyze nuance. The conversation is really interesting. Nancy is a very straightforward person, so she doesn't understand where Steve was coming from in his essay, but Steve isn't, which is why he couldn't explain his point concisely. Of course by the nature of the characters and how they perceive themselves and each other it leaves them both feeling like Steve is just The Dumb One of the relationship. It's a really good scene for expressing the blatant incompatibility between them

And yes, I'm very aware of the whole thing about him using the basketball game as a stand in to express his experience with the demogorgon the previous year. I thought about bringing that up in one of my previous answers but my responses kept getting really long without it

This is one thing I think is interesting about the whole "Steve pretends to be normal as a coping mechanism" thing that the fandom believes. I'm honestly not sure that's his only coping mechanism, just the one he uses if any other option would result in the government coming after him. But his using metaphor here is an expression of his feelings and possibly intentional. I like the idea that he assumes Nancy would have picked up on it, but still does need to critique it as a school essay, so doesn't really bring it up, but really Nancy's straight forward nature and inability to pick up on nuance had it going completely over her head

Especially given her view of those events, where it was a big scary thing that Steve showed up for at the last minute. I don't think she really realizes that it affected him much at all. He couldn't have been that scared if he showed back up again, and he won, so he's tough, and he hasn't been there for all of the really scary things, so why would he need to express his feelings about the situation. Nothing even happened to him. Which would probably also add to her whole perspective of him being bullshit, because she doesn't register his emotions about everything as being as valid as hers because she experienced more of the situation than him

[star-anise]

Thinking about this post (about Labyrinth and teenage girls and dark sexual fantasy) and sexual maturity and like...

Maturity, for human beings to mature, is the unfolding of genetic potential over time and experience. Our brains are born half-baked and have to be shaped by our environment. For example, I was born with the capacity to learn Cantonese; but as nobody ever spoke Cantonese to me, that capacity went unrealized, so if I want to learn it now, I have to struggle to bring those capabilities to fruition. 

This comes up in my work in mental health, with regards to emotional maturity. Emotional maturity, in large part, is the ability to perceive and understand your own emotional needs; to be able to tell which are valid and important and which are unhelpful or disproportionate; to have a variety of skills, habits, and abilities which will address those needs; and to be able to tell which ways of coping are appropriate for which situation. We teach classes, entire curriculums, on getting in touch with your emotions and mastering your responses to them.

We don’t talk about “sexual maturity” in nearly the same way. “Sexual maturity” gets talked about like... “Congrats, 10-year-old girl! You’ve got your period, which means you’re now a woman capable of bearing a child! You’re sexually mature!” which is SO fucked up.

Proposing “sexual maturity” in a way parallel to “emotional maturity” kind of shakes me to my bones. I can’t imagine going into all the institutions that shaped me when I grew up and saying, “You are neglecting an important part of the development of the children you serve. For them to become healthy and mature adults, they need to be able to understand their sexual needs and desires, or lack thereof; understand how to judge whether a sexual experience is desirable and healthy, or unhealthy or aversive; to be able to recognize lack of desire or attraction, and be able to set boundaries, reject unwanted intimacy, and refuse unwanted sex; to learn a variety of skills, habits, and abilities (like using fantasy, self-stimulation, artistic expression, role-play, or genuine sexual encounter) with which to meet their needs in healthy ways; to care about the autonomy, feelings, and needs of other people with whom they interact; and to be able to tell which ways of meeting their needs are appropriate given the situation and person they are with.”

Or, well, I can imagine. I can imagine getting thrown out of every school, church, community league, and Girl Guide troop I tried it in. “You want us to teach these children WHAT?” Because suggesting that children be taught about something is tantamount to suggesting they be abused, dragged into a foreign world into which they might hopefully never wander otherwise.

I’ve been digging deep into sex and society lately and am so struck, over and over, with how much my culture of origin (Anglo-European, North American, Christian) absolutely valorizes sexual immaturity. In a world where sex is “dirty”, complete ignorance of sex--both in general, and your own sexuality in particular--is seen as “pure”, as “innocent”. As desirable. The very knowledge of your own sexual desires degrades you as a person.

I guess it’s because I am a Christian, I know a lot of current or former Christians, who feel very betrayed by purity culture’s fundamental promise of a beautiful romantic life: You don’t have to become sexually mature to have all your needs met. They will be met for you. What you have to do to earn this future is to stay pure and don’t understand, express, or explore your sexuality in any way.

This means that we were promised that if we never thought about sex, never thought about what we wanted or needed a day in our lives, one day someone would come along who would know for us and make sure all our needs were met. And the more we tried to understand or meet those needs ourselves, the more we polluted ourselves and ruined our chances of obtaining that beautiful future partnership.

I grew up trying to ignore the bitter stories of former Christians who discovered sex and found it really great and left their faith. But what I found--and what a lot of the people I’ve talked to lately found--was that instead, we discovered our faith, our chastity, wasn’t getting us what we’d been promised; instead it made us dry, desiccated, unhappy, unfulfilled, lonely, and full of shame. We didn’t leave the Church for the arms of a willing lover; we left it for a lonely road to a world where we had to shift for ourselves, and we’d been specifically discouraged from ever learning any of the skills that would let us do that. We left it for Tinder profiles and a bunch of matches we didn’t even know what we’d do with, if we ever got them.

Especially for women, and for LGBTQ+ people--and especially for those of us who are both--this legacy of silence, shame, and neglect isn’t just a trauma in the past; it’s an active impediment to the present and future. We’re pressed in on all sides between dating tips to “Be confident! Just be yourself!”, positivity culture that says, “Love your body! Enjoy having sex!”, and purity police hunting down “deviant perverts” whenever we try to express how shameful and frightening sex can be, or try to imagine our way forward with it. Instead we just pick at each other and post memes about “useless lesbians” and don’t rock the boat by questioning how we got here or how we’re getting out.

The one thing I know about shame is that it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel ashamed, and act like that shame is right, you become even more entrapped in a world of secrecy, silence, and judgment. It’s only when you admit it’s there but deny its legitimacy that you gain any ground.

So I’m talking about it. And I think the only real way forward is for us to... keep talking about it.

[vesuvian-american-fics]

better with time. Ch 3

one hundred and seven years.

The year is what now? 850?! (AO3)

Words: 2192

The next morning, you were awoken early by a harsh kick to your cell’s rusted bars, dust dwindling down from the ceiling peppered your face as you were ripped from your dreamless sleep. Snapping your eyes open you sat up stiffly, your back aching from your new stubborn mattress. In front of you stood three imposing figures, Levi, Hange, and a taller man, blonde hair, blue eyes, thick eyebrows that sat atop a strong handsome face that screams, “I’m reliable you can count on me”. You found yourself anxious under his piercing gaze and oddly warm and generous smile.  

Sheepishly you smiled back at him and Hange, your gaze drifting right over the top of Levi’s head. You noticed his eyebrow raise suspiciously at your avoidant scan. He sucked his teeth before pulling out a seat for himself on the other side of the cell. Hange took a seat as well, while the new guy remained standing, further adding to his impressive aura. He oozed confidence and strength, something you hadn’t yet experienced in this magnitude. He had a strength about him not found in Levi or Hange, the strength of true leadership. Something about him just felt like you could follow him to the ends of the Earth if he asked, and you’d never regret such a decision. It was quite nerve wracking considering you knew nothing of him.  

“Hello. My name is Commander Erwin Smith.” His voice deep as you expected. You gave back a simple wave and looked to Hange to speak the words you couldn’t.  

“Ah, as you remember Commander, she has very little memory.” They explained, much to your relief. So, the Commander had a bit of a debriefing, that’s good. Saves you all some time.  

“Yes, well. We’re just about caught up on your situation miss, let me get you up to date. For starters, the year is 850. Does that happen to help you recall how long you were a titan?” He asked, a more serious concerned look to his features now. Thick brows knitted together in concentration and his sky-blue orbs piercing through you so fiercely you feared he could see through your clothes.  

But no, more importantly, did he say the year was 850? If there was one simple thing you remembered from the past it was the year. There was no way of continuously keeping time for so long out in the wilderness but you hadn’t imagined it would have been 107 years! Your eyes blew wide in confusion and fear, lips slightly parted as your mind worked to wrap around the news that you were a titan for over a century.  

The three of them seemed to pick up on your prickling anxiety and simultaneously they leaned in, anticipated anything. Shakily, you pointed towards the notepad and pen in Hange’s lap and they quickly slid it across the floor to you.  

Blinded by tears and dread, you struggled to sloppily write a number. The last year you remember. The year 743. It took Hange no time to decipher your chicken scratch and they mumbled under their breath their hypothesis.  

“Is 743 the year you were born?!” They stammered, and you shook your head wearily in response.  

“The last year you remember?” Erwin asked plainly, and you nodded solemnly. Levi’s steely grey eyes widened just a fraction before regaining his composure and returning to his usual bored look. His trained eyes raked over your face studying your expression, shock, sadness, confusion. You hadn’t a clue how you’re alive right now.  

“107 years.” Levi stated, lacking any form or emotion. It was like he was simply echoing your thoughts for everyone to hear, and it's true. It has been 107 years. You honestly felt a bit sick at the realization but, what did you expect. You knew a lot of time had passed, too much time to be honest. However, the reality was nevertheless horrifying. More than a few lifetimes had passed, anyone you may have ever loved was long gone by now, not that you’d even remember them truly.  

You heaved a shaky, trembling sigh and Erwin gave a sad, knowing smile to you. It was sort of comforting, but you were on edge still.  

“Anything else you remember?” He asked, full of patience. You shook your head after a bit of thinking, nothing important was coming to mind. Just bits and flashes of things that you yourself couldn’t even begin to explain. Seemingly done with the questioning for now, Erwin bid you ado and Hange followed close behind.  

Captain Levi however, stood back for just a bit, much to your chagrin. You wanted nothing more than to be left alone for a moment to process things. If anybody were to stay behind a bit to ogle, you’d hope it were Hange, they could probably give you a laugh or two. Levi said nothing before tossing a book to the floor before your feet, you shot him an annoyed glare before he spoke.  

“Practice your reading brat,” was all he said before he quietly climbed the stairs and locked the door at the top. Grabbing the book and dusting it off you found it had plenty of pictures for context, and at the very least it would give you something to busy yourself with as your tried to distract yourself from your newly acquainted grief.  

It felt a bit like survivor’s guilt, not that you personally remembered any of the other titans you often saw roaming around the island. You silently sighed as you thought of the other titans, you felt bad. They were all humans, you presume, stuck in your same predicament. Fighting and dreaming of freedom.  

The hours passed as you tried to read the words on the pages set before you. You found yourself not making much progress as you continuously had to wipe away your stinging tears from your lashes. Heavy steps descended the stairs as you hastily dried your eyes once more, hoping it won’t be too obvious that you’ve been crying.  

It was Erwin again, shadowed by Levi. Levi’s thin brow rose, he almost looked disgusted at your tears, or maybe he was taking pity. Either one, you didn’t truly want from the likes of him. Erwin, however, did look truly concerned for just a moment before hardening his expression to keep things professional.  

“Well, we won’t be able to learn anything from you until you learn to read and write. Thus, you’ll be staying here for the time being. I’ll visit periodically, but Captain Levi will be who you answer to for now.” He gave you a curt nod before taking his leave. Once again, Levi remained. The silence dragged on and you gave him a silent, yet fully exasperated sigh rolling your eyes in his direction.  

He scoffed before adjusting his cravat, his top lip twitching upward into a scowl of disdain.  

“I was about to pity you and be lenient, but forget it. Stop your crying and read, brat!” He spat, before sitting harshly onto the wooden chair he always claimed, He folded his arms over his chest and crossed his slender legs, one over the other. The two of you held each other’s gaze for a moment before you turned around harshly and began studying.  

With him babysitting you like this; it’s going to be a lot less pleasant. Hopefully it won't take you very long to relearn these skills, the faster you can distance yourself from this guy.  

<3

The hours stretched on in a deafening silence. The tension in the air was palpable and you hated it. Levi’s stern glare seemed to be burning holes in the back of your head, that made it hard to concentrate. How could he demand results whilst simultaneously making it so hard for you? He was difficult to put it nicely, but raging will do nothing to make your life more pleasant. The silence was suddenly interrupted by him, making you jump.  

“The Commander is really sticking his neck out for you. I don’t understand why.” He said, his irritation evident in every word that spilled past his lips. Your shoulders slumped at his words. Were you truly making their lives so hard? This wasn’t something you wanted. He waited a few beats before continuing, and icy chill to his tone.  

“I for one don’t trust you, if you can’t tell. You can warm up to Hange and Erwin all you want, but there's a reason I’m the one that’s in control here.” You shook your head slowly at his words, you’re not dumb. It’s clear as day he doesn’t trust you, and you don’t think the others completely trust you either and you understand their reasoning. At the very least, they try to see things from your perspective. Levi, however, seems like the type to enjoy a stick up the ass.  

“I’m watching you, because I won’t hesitate to kill you if you try anything.” He said, cocking his head to the side to attempt to see your expression. Sweat was beading at your brows, and you muscles tensed on reflex. You lived in fear before, but you still didn’t know how to cope with it. Will you ever be happy again?  

Slowly, you turned around to face Levi, eyes gleaming with fresh tears. Doing your best to ignore his words you decided to return the attention to your book. You wiped away at your eyes before you steeled your nerves to approach the man, pointing to a particularly confusing image on the page before you. He quirked his brow at the page, his eyes narrowing before he gliding up to meet your own. He held your stare for a moment, as if trying to scare you away but he quickly grew tired of the effort.  

“Those are the three walls that protect humanity from you titans.” Your eyes locked again briefly, before he continued his explanation. He was an insufferable human being but very smart, you had to admit. He explained everything thoroughly without missing a thing and you found the walls fascinated.  

“Is that all or do I have to read the entire book to you, brat?” He complained, bringing his tea cup to his lips. You gave him a short and obviously fake smile before rolling your eyes and returning to your bed, once again facing your back towards him as you studied the picture once more. Little did you know, Levi’s lips quirked up into a microscopic smirk behind his tea cup at your attitude. Though, even to himself he couldn’t admit that you were a little funny to watch sometimes.  

Sighing, Levi checked his pocket watch, it was due time for afternoon training. He lazily tossed a clean notepad and quill pen into your cell.  

“Practice your piss poor writing too brat.” He said, cup still held high up to his face before he downed the rest of his tea and you were left alone in the cellar once again.  

Once you were sure he was gone, you stuck out your tongue in childish protest before grabbing the notepad and pen. Scribbling and drawing ought to be more fun than reading this textbook you figured. The rest of your evening was spent in silence, until Hange brought you a late lunch with tea. She kept you company for a while, and it was something that helped to ease your anxiety. She explained in more detail what was planned for you here within the walls, and it's true, Erwin really was sticking his neck out for you, all of them were.  

Keeping you a secret from just about everybody in power until you could speak for yourself in a court of law. Your time with the Scouts would remain a secret even after then to keep from anyone getting in trouble. Seems the Scout’s get in enough trouble already, and housing a titan shifter for a second time would get them in a lot of trouble. Yet, for your own safety, they would put everything off until you could defend yourself properly, for that, you were eternally grateful and you wanted to thank him in person.  

Maybe even thank Levi, because, whether he wanted to or not, he was putting his own credibility on the line for you. As much as you dislike the man, you won't let his efforts go unappreciated. You thanked Hange for the food, conversation, and their protection with a bow, they simply waved you off.  

“It's no matter! There’s equal benefit for you, me, and humanity!” They exclaimed before marching up the stairs and heading off to handle reports. You smiled to yourself at their hospitality and friendliness. Today was a tough day, but a necessary one.  

This was your second chance at life, one you had lost hope at ever having. You weren’t going to waste it on fear, anxiety, and self-doubt. With newly found resolve, you drifted off into an early slumber, unaware of Captain Levi’s light foot falls descending the stair case.  

His dark eyes sliding to your sleeping form, having Hange talk to you was a good idea after all .  

[kozutenshi]

"neh, tooru." he tilted his head to the side, looking at your figure arranging the pillows in your small makeshift house.

"i'll definitely marry you when we're older."

he chuckled at your sudden outburst, not coping with what you said. "what do you even mean by that?"

"well, marriage.. isn't that what happens when two people want to stay together in each other's side forever?" your unsure and confused expression made him laugh harder. the pout on your lips made him stop, patting your cheek with a soft smile on his face.

"well then, i guess i'm gonna have to get a ring ready."

BALAY BALAY

— "bahay-bahayan" in Filipino!

— a game played my two or more wherein the kids would act like a real family doing what a family does normally. literally in simple terms, playing house.

— used to play this with my cousin, two other friends, and my childhood friend. yes, my childhood friend was the dad and i was the mom.

sometimes, you wonder which events made things turn out to be how they currently were.

seasons change, and your years of stay in this world had been growing. the amount of times you told a lie or two, the amount of times you cried, laughed, burst out of anger; collectively, this was what our life was.

oikawa thinks the same way too.

the young man sat on the park bench, looking out to the beach of brazil. he should be in argentina right now, practicing the sport he loves, but ever since he got the mail, it was as if a part of him felt too empty to function. his team gave him a week off, and he found himself going back to brazil reminiscing.

he thumbed the gold letterings, almost wishing the letter came with your scent instead of the roses that made the contents painfully obvious.

of course he had opened it, the seal already broken enough to know that he had opened it several times. taking a deep breath, he held his tears back.

how did it come to this?

on the other side of the world, you waited for his answer, the man you stuck with since children. it had been days since the mail was reportedly received. you were nervous, gulping down a lump on your throat to his lack of response. warm arms wrapped you from behind, kissing your temple. "hasn't he replied yet?"

his hand took yours, playing with the ring he gave you and drawing slow therapeutic circles on your skin. you smiled sadly at your fiancee, before shaking your head and melting into his arms. "nope. aren't you supposed to be at work?" he chuckled sheepishly before picking up his things and kissing you tenderly. "yeah. i'm off now. i'm sure he's just preoccupied so don't stress yourself over his response, yeah?" you nodded, sending him off with a loving smile which he returned.

as the door closed, your eyes went back to the laptop screen, begrudgingly thinking of your work before sitting down and continuing it. you didn't know what time it was when you finished, but it was probably an hour or two already when the doorbell rang.

lazily, you stood up and opened the door to find oikawa standing at your doorstep. "yo, n/n-chan." your eyes showed your shock and your body froze, before you relaxed and chuckled. "yikes, i'm hallucinating," you muttered under your breath before closing the door in his face.

"you know.. i'm flattered that you think of me that much that i can be a hallucination.. but for real, i'm 100% human, no alien stuff here."

the "I can't believe you're here" face you had made him chuckle, opening his arms for you to fall into. your scent was familiar, your warmth, your smile, until you dissolved into sobs. frantically, he moved away from you and wiped the tears off tenderly with shaky hands. "what? why are you crying?!"

"tooru! why weren't responding to me?" he chuckled nervously, knowing full well that telling the real reason will complicate things. "i wasn't sure what to answer just yet so i decided to discuss the matter with my coaches first. sorry, n/n-chan. now, can you stop crying, princess?"

it was painful to lie to you, but if it is for what's better, then he'd do it. "don't call me that." you urge yourself to move away and invite him into your apartment shared with your fiance. his eyes scanned the loft, noting the things that mirrored your personality on every shelf, every wall.

"how long have you been here in japan?"

"this is my third day. i'll go back tomorrow."

"ah, i see. then shall we spend the day together?"

"yeah. i did meet the three guys yesterday. it's your turn."

you placed the bowl of chips in front of him, urging to eat while he raised his eyebrows in question. "why didn't you invite me?"

"better question. why are you eating chips this early?" you shrugged, shoving a piece or two into your mouth. "it's not that early. it's like, almost noon."

he rolled his eyes and started eating. the silence stretched on but it was comforting. his eyes raked on your figure, how you were still the same, but different. as if a part of you stayed, the other changed.

"oh yeah. i have to go to that volleyball thing to help takeru with his plays. wanna come with?"

"takeru, as in my nephew?"

"yeah, who else?"

"there are tons of takeru's in this country, y'know."

you shrugged. "well you have no choice. you're coming with. say cheese to the camera. i'll tell my fiancee about you suddenly being here." raising your phone, you snapped a photo to your fiance, telling him you'll spend the day with tooru which he agreed with a "take care" message.

oikawa watched your lips curve to a smile, the same one he fell in love with, only to realize it wasn't for him. was he hurt? no.

numb. that's what he was.

the two of you passed by your previous school, onto the training grounds reminiscing stories after stories. with a pouting takeru, the three of you watched the smaller children train, a fond smile on your face. a small little girl stumbled to you with tears. "mama?"

oikawa saw how petrified you looked for a second before you sat down and tried to ease her. he then recalled how the two of you used to play, hand in hand, eyes to eyes. he sat beside you, patting the head of the child lightly which she seemed to like.

you watched how he calmed her with no words, and how she went from crying to laughing in minutes. a fond smile was on your face when the mother came over and took the child.

"you two look good together. thank you so much for taking care of her."

"thank you but we aren't-"

"thank you. it was no problem ma'am!"

he waved a hand to the child who smiled at him and waved back. his smile was a genuine warm one, his eyes holding adoration, before they shifted to you. "what are you staring at, n/n-chan?"

you shook your head. "i just wondered where you got your skills in calming down a child until i remember takeru."

"I didn't learn it from taking care of him, y'know." confused, you looked at him, his eyes looking somewhere far. "i learned it from you." he stood up, stretching and looked down on your sitting figure.

"c'mon n/n-chan. before they remember who i am-"

"excuse me. you're oikawa tooru, right?"

a highschool girl shyly stood with her group of friends, their phones clutched to their chests. somehow this reminded you of the days when he was innocently playing volleyball with iwaizumi, until a bunch of girls came from the vending machines, clutching boxes of milk in different flavors, some holding milk bread in their hands. you deadpanned when you realize they were holding out their phones for you to take their picture.

"tooru. you better treat me food after this, okay?" he knew your look. the one that made him gulp and feel threatened. "yes, of course, n/n-chan."

and so he did, and before you know it, it was getting dark. the two of you were in the apartment, the credits rolling just like every other times the two of you bonded.

"today was fun."

it's always fun with you. "sure was."

now, unlike before, the silence was deafening. "have you ever wondered.. how things would've worked out if you did something different in the past?"

your question caught him off guard and he tensed up before he suck into the couch. "not really." a lie.

"it might weigh down on me too much if i did."

your chuckle came sad, a hint of pain under it. "i see." now the atmosphere was too quiet. the movie has rolled its credits, the TV flashing a selection of movies again.

painful. it was painfully obvious that something is wrong and you couldn't help but want to cry.

"do you.. remember-"

"will you come?"

your voice was unsure, shaky, loud, when you looked at him with tears in your eyes. "you will, right?" his heart cracked. he knew this would happen already. he flashed a soft smile before taking you in his arms.

"of course i will. it's the wedding of my favorite n/n-chan after all. besides, you know i.."

he pressed a kiss to your forehead, his thumb wiping your tears gently. there was something lonely about his movements, the way he caressed you, as if saying 'this is the last time', or maybe a temporary goodbye. he held you closer, his warmth enveloping you.

"i will always be there."

TRAVELLERS: @doodleniella @kenmakodzu @lyzzklm @mfcassandra @oikaw-ugh @seijohlogy @thesecondapplepienation

[luna-tiel]

What Entrapdak Means to Me

On the eve of Entrapdak Positivity Month, I thought it was as good a time as any to share my rambling thoughts on a ship that’s affected me in a way I didn’t think was possible. 

Entrapdak is the first ship I have ever been invested in. It’s such a new experience for me that it’s taken me the last few months to wrap my head around the whole thing. I may relate to the characters in a show, but when they form romantic attachments I view it with a degree of passive distance. I don’t understand what it’s like to have those sorts of feelings for someone (I am aromantic and ace as a brick), and, well, I’m honestly not curious enough to give the subject a thorough study. My mind tends to fixate on other things. 

What does this have to do with Entrapdak, you ask? Long story short for people who don’t want to read my meandering essay -- I relate a lot to these characters, and the way they bonded together struck a deep chord in me that I can’t ignore. 

Let’s start with the characters. I knew going in that Entrapta was neurodivergent-coded, but I took it with a grain of salt. When I actually watched the show, however, I found myself relating to her so deeply it shocked me. Never have I felt such a kinship with a fictional character! We don’t share every trait, but it was still like seeing my brain put to life on screen. I related to her enthusiasm over her special interests, her struggles to fit in, her desire to make friends who accept and understand her for who she is. 

The fact Entrapta is completely herself is something I love about her. Over the years of growing up undiagnosed, I developed a lot of masking strategies. Human psychology is one of my special interests, and even with all that accumulated knowledge, masking isn’t easy. It’s extremely mentally taxing. Masking can certainly look easy -- I can, when I have the drive and energy, “pass” as neurotypical, and only people who know me extremely well can tell I’m dying inside. All that effort is taken for granted by a lot of NTs because that’s how people are “supposed to” act, and surely I can “do the bare minimum.” The accumulated stress of near constant masking has led me to the darkest moments I’ve had in my life.

Entrapta’s struggle with leaving Beast Island hit me hard. It threw me back to a time when my feelings of isolation and worthlessness got so bad that I lost the energy to do anything, even the creative pursuits that were the obsession of my life. I retreated so deeply into my inner world that I hardly interacted with anyone. That total apathy shocked my family into getting me professional help, which gave me my autism diagnosis, the coping skills to move forward, and a good start on the road to self-acceptance. It also opened a channel between my family and I, allowing me to feel heard and understood. (An important side note on mental health: if you or someone you love needs professional help, please seek it! Sometimes you have to try out several therapists -- it took me three to find a good fit -- but you are worth it!)

It took me longer to realize, but I also relate to Hordak in some ways. Mercifully I was not raised in an extremist cult environment. However, I know what it’s like to feel defective next to a sibling that seems perfect. I was constantly being compared to my younger brother, and in all areas but art, he was superior. He was smart, athletic, and above all, he fit in with everyone. I didn’t hate him for this -- I hated myself. Trying to measure up to his standard is what caused me to develop such strong masking strategies. Underneath it all, I felt the despair of knowing my peers would reject me as soon as the mask cracked. I also live with chronic joint pain, starting at around age seven. The jury is still out on what’s causing that (the worst of it was due to a previously unknown food allergy, but the pain still comes and goes, even though it’s a lot more manageable than it used to be). This cocktail of pain, stress, and sensory issues I had to deal with gave me a very short fuse at times. 

As an aside, just because I sympathize with Hordak does not mean I am excusing his actions. He is still going to have to face the consequences of his choices, and work to adjust to life post-Prime. The series end gave him a new beginning, the opportunity to be redeemed, and I prefer this to a rushed redemption arc. 

What I love most about Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship is how they accept each other as they are. Hordak gives Entrapta near free reign of his sanctum, he listens to her when she talks, and he respects her opinions. Even when he pushes her away, he still considers the logic of what she tells him, and sometimes ends up doing things her way despite his initial instincts. This is something I do in my own life; I am easily overwhelmed by new information, so my initial response to an idea/activity is almost always a firm (and sometimes rude) “no,” until I have time to properly process and think about it. Hordak is the first person in Entrapta’s life that truly listens to her. He still has things he needs to work on, but it’s a lot better than how most of the princesses are with Entrapta. The Alliance treats her as someone to be managed -- she is useful, but unreliable. Hordak, in contrast, trusts her to get things done in her own way. 

On the other side, Entrapta is the first person in Hordak’s life to accept him without judgment. Hordak spends so much of his energy putting up a front of strength and intimidation, and Entrapta cuts right through that. She’s not frightened by his appearance, and even his outbursts have little effect on her until the two of them start to bond. Entrapta doesn’t come into their interactions with any preconceived ideas of what Hordak is like, or more importantly, what he should be like. This lack of expectation leaves her completely open to accepting whatever Hordak does and says, and it also relieves Hordak of the burden of needing to put on a front around her. When Entrapta sees him at his most vulnerable, she reaches out to him with compassion, something he has never felt before. Entrapta also does this in a way that doesn’t belittle Hordak. His imperfections are not something to pity, they are a valuable part of who he is. 

I loved watching their friendship develop. Entrapta and Hordak’s shared time together evolved slowly into a bond that gave each of them a sense of belonging they had never experienced before with anyone else. It gave me the hope that, despite what an oddball mess I am, perhaps I could find someone who understands me too. 

When a romance subplot inserts itself into a story, I tend to gloss over and ignore it (if I pick up on it at all). I’m even less interested in sex. Way back when I was first getting into fandom I was so excited to go online and meet fellow fans of the books and shows I liked, only to discover the spaces being dominated by arguments over character pairings. I was baffled. This is what people are most interested in? Oh well… back to the hermit cave I go! 

I was late to the party with SPoP. I’d watched a few episodes, but the show didn’t really hook me. This was partially because all I ever heard people talk about online was Catradora, and if that was the main appeal of the show, I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it (sorry Catradora shippers, romance is not going to entice me to watch a show, even if it’s rep). Quarantine was the ultimate cause for me embracing my curiosity and diving headfirst into SPoP, binging the entire thing a few months before the release of season 5.

I vaguely knew about Entrapdak as a ship going into the show, and I admit, had I not been primed for it, I probably would have missed the romantic potential entirely. In no way did I expect to become invested. I was immediately intrigued by their dynamic, and as they got closer, I found myself thinking “oh, I see why people ship these two.” I didn’t understand this realization until months later. I was relating to the characters, and for the first time in my life, I was relating to their relationship.

I headcanon Entrapta and Hordak as an asexual couple. I’ll elaborate on this at a later time (asexuality is a spectrum with a lot of nuance, and this post is plenty long already), but at the core of it, I find joy in imagining these characters in a loving platonic relationship, something I hope to find myself one day. I hope this love comes across in my artwork and in my fanfictions <3

To those of you that read this far, wow, you must be patient! Have an imaginary cookie! I hope this ramble has provided a decent picture for why I, as an aro ace on the autism spectrum, have come to cherish Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship. It’s my first and only OTP… I’m still in shock thinking about that… I guess we’ll see where things go from here!

Take care of yourselves out there!