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eden031 · 3 months ago

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Sweet boy

Pairing: Jack Abbot x single mom! resident!reader

Warnings: Age gap (unspecified), reader‘s son plays soccer, reader feels like a bad mom, fluff mostly, implied that the kid is a matchmaker

Summary: When her son is having a rough patch, she asks her attending to come to his games, just as a temporary arrangement, of course. Though sometimes something temporary becomes normal.

Words: 4.5 k

A/N: Hey there, so this is what was voted for and I really like the way it turned out! It it rather light hearted and I really like the way it turned out. Though a quick disclaimer at this point, I have no idea what it is really like to be a single mom or a mom in genreal so please be kind in that regard. Also I might write a second part for this where reader finds out she is pregnant with Jack‘s baby and the ‚aftermath‘ of that, not sure about that though :) I still hope you enjoy this little story :D

Leaning against the nurses’ station she closed her eyes, the worry in her gut not getting better as the night wore on. It was his first sleepover and she was not happy about it, she had been reluctant about it anyways, but she knew the mother well, knew the father well and knew that there would only be three kids in total. It was safe and she knew that nothing bad could happen to him, she had slept over a ton as a kid and nothing ever happened. Still, since she had dropped him off at his best friend‘s house before she had gone to her shift the bad feeling her stomach didn‘t go away.

“You doing okay?” The voice of her attending pulled her out of her musings, he was standing closer than she had expected as she opened her eyes, feeling a slight heat rush to her face. His expression mildly worried, his salt and pepper curls slightly mussed. His stethoscope was wrapped around his neck and underneath it she could see the chain around it as well.

“Not really…” she sighed, rubbing her head, lying to him would get her nowhere, he was able to read her like an open book. “You know when you have a gut feeling that you really can’t shake?” she glanced at him with a small smile. He snorted slightly, nodding as he looked at her again. Not moving he still continued to stare at her, it was that kind of expectant stare he sometimes gave patients when they left out parts of the story they were telling.

“Yeah, definitely,” he crossed his arms across his chest, the thick forearms resting across each other. Sometimes she felt like a teenager when he was close to her, like she would start swooning after him like a lost puppy. Shaking her head slightly she tried to get that out of her head, hell he was her attending and in her eyes way out of her league.

“My son is sleeping over at a friend’s place tonight for the first time, can’t seem to shake the feeling that something terrible might happen,” she shuddered slightly as she shook her head. She knew that Abbot would probably have some wise words for her, he always did. „I sound like some kind of helicopter mom, don‘t I?“ she asked, laughing slightly as she looked at him.

„Nah,“ he shook his head, „We see shit in here people can‘t even dream of in their worst nightmares,“ he shrugged, „I think it‘s normal to be worried. And he is your first after all,“ A small smile was on his lips as he leaned against the counter.

„How did his match go, anyway?“ Abbot asked. She was slightly startled at the question, she had mentioned that her son had insisted on playing soccer this season and he had had his first match in the afternoon.

„It went well,“ she smiled, she had luckily been able to be there and cheer for him. „His team won and he put in the last goal, getting them out of the draw,“ a proud smile on her lips as she told that to Abbot. It had felt like she was watching her son in slow motion, running on his little legs with the ball in front of him, then one strong kick and he had scored the goal.

„Looks like you got a future star on your hands,“ Abbot smiled slightly as she laughed at that.

„If the love for it lasts longer than one season I actually might,“ she smiled at Abbot, trying to hide the sadness in her smile. Even if her son had played incredibly well he had still cried after the game, right after the kids had been allowed to go see their parents. All the dads had been so supportive the entire time, the mums as well, but that had not triggered her son‘s crying. It had been a conversation that they had been having for what felt like ages, on and off, even if her son was only seven, he understood the concept of not having a father or even father figure rather well. Especially since all his friends had really great and involved fathers. She knew that he was happy and that he loved her, it had alway only been them together, but apparently he was currently in a stage in life where he just wanted someone else besides her.

A sniffle left her as she realised the thought had made her cry again. Sometimes, well a lot of times, she felt like a bad mom. Due to the fact that most of her friends were either from work or her son‘s friends‘ mothers she did not know that many other single mothers. She had no advice on how to deal with these emotions and it made her feel so horrible.

„Hey, hey,“ he gently touched her shoulder, the concern in his features evident as he gently touched her shoulder.

„Gosh, sorry,“ she wiped away the tears, trying to stop the tears from falling again. A groan escaped her as she sniffled again. Suddenly her phone started buzzing in her pocket, fear shot through her as she grabbed it, holding up her hand to Abbot, her tears going dry right away as she saw the name of Josh‘s best friend‘s mother on the screen.

„Hey, is everything alright?“ she asked with panic in her voice. She knew she needed to calm down, panic wouldn‘t get her anywhere.

„Hey, yes, sorry if I am calling at a bad time.“ the voice sounded exhausted as she heard shuffling in the background.

“No! It‘s okay, I have some time on my hands right now,“ she shot Abbot an apologetic glance, though he still looked concerned at her, his hand still on her shoulder.

„Okay, I just wanted to tell you that the three of them devoured four pizzas and were knocked out afterwards, they are all sleeping right now and it looks like they are not going to get up until like at least ten tomorrow,“ Lara sounded exhausted, but she let out a sigh of relief.

„Thanks for letting me know.“ she paused. There was another pause on the other side of the line.

„Sorry, I didn‘t mean to keep you from work, have a good shift.“ Lara sounded exhausted, they quickly said their goodbyes and she hung up, letting her head fall backwards.

„Everything alright?“ he looked so concerned as he looked at her while she shoved her phone back into her pocket.

„Yeah,“ she let out a relieved laugh as she shook her head. „She just called to let me know that they are sleeping like stones and everything is alright.“

He let out a relieved sigh as well, like he had been just as worried as the phone had gone off. It made her smile slightly, Abbot had met her son a few times already, it had always been during cookouts organized by someone, mostly by either Dana or Langdon. Her son had loved Abbot from the moment her attending had introduced himself to her son. Josh became attached to Abbot like a tick the moment he spotted him in a crowd of one of the cookouts. Always dragging her mentor along to everything he wanted to do and for some reason unbeknownst to her, Abbot just let him and did his best to satisfy the whims of her son.

The thing was, that had made her crush on her attending even worse, seeing the way he treated her son made her heart swell every single time she saw them interact. Probably the worst part of it all was that she knew that this was no silly little crush anymore.

„Thank god,“ he breathed out, his head falling backwards as well. Suddenly something came to her mind, but before she could even propose the idea to Abbot Bridgit called out that a trauma was incoming.

——————

Shift change had gone smoother than usual and she was finally on her way out of the building, hoping to be able to shower before she had to pick up Josh. As she stood by the lockers she thought about the idea she had had again. Maybe it was stupid, and maybe she would overstep if she did really ask that of Abbot, but she just wanted to know if maybe there was a chance for it.

Seeing Abbot also coming her way she fished everything out of the locker, stepped back and waited for him to approach her. Usually he never used the lockers, his backpack already slung over his shoulder.

„Mind if we have a little chat before you leave?“ he asked, his brow raised in her direction.

„Not at all, I actually wanted to talk to you about something as well.“ she gave him a small smile as they began making their way towards the exit. She knew that Jack always walked, he said that it cleared his head, though she knew that he theoretically could drive.

„Are you sure you are doing okay? You know that you can talk to me if something is bothering you,“ his voice was so gentle as they stepped out of the hospital. She sighed, the crying had definitely prompted that conversation.

“Yeah, no, I know I am not doing the best,“ she answered honestly, „It‘s about Josh,“ another sigh and as she glanced to the side she could see the concerned expression of her attending.

„Is he sick?“ he asked, of course that was the first thing that came to mind, not the quick kind of sick, the occasional flu, but she knew that he meant sick. The kind of sick that could tear people apart.

„No!“ she shook her head, „He is just having a bit of a rough patch,“ she paused, cringing internally as they continued to walk towards employee parking, „He has been asking more and more about why his dad isn‘t there and why he can‘t have an awesome dad like his other friends,“ she paused, „Makes me feel like a terrible parent,“ she shuddered.

Abbot stopped walking, she also did, following his him to the side of the sidewalk. His expression was stern, but still friendly.

„You know you are not a bad mom, right?“ he paused, „That kid loves you more than anything in the world.“ Carefully he put his hands on her shoulders, gently squeezing them.

„I know,“ she tried to look away, but it felt impossible to draw away from these intense eyes. „I just…sometimes I wish I could give him that role model he so desperately wants…“ she sighed, rubbing her face. This was the point where she decided to just go with it and ask, „That was actually why I wanted to talk to you,“ she sighed again, Abbot looked surprised as she said that.

„I know that this is probably very unprofessional and also overstepping boundaries, but god, Josh loves you, always talks about you and every time there is a cookout he gets so excited.“ she paused gauging the expression on Abbot‘s face, it startled her when he looked slightly flustered, „But would you mind coming to the games with me? I know that you probably have a lot of stuff to do and more things to worry about, but-„

„I would love to,“ he paused, a small smile on his lips as he gave her shoulders a reassuring squeeze. It felt like the breath was knocked out of her lungs as she saw that sparkle in his eyes, for a moment she wasn‘t sure if it was just the light or if she could actually see tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

„I would love to come,“ he repeated, again giving her shoulders a gentle squeeze, again „Just tell me when and where I have to be and I will be there,“ his voice was soft as he spoke. It made her want to cry, the way he smiled at her like she had just given him the best news of his life.

„Will do,“ she smiled at him, tears beginning to gather in her eyes as well, she hated it, knowing that loving this man was probably never going to get her anywhere.

———————

Sitting in the bleachers of the small school soccer field she sighed, glancing at her phone she checked to see if Abbot had texted her that he was running late. The kids were still doing warm ups and she had hoped that he would be there before the game would start. Glancing to the side she heard soft murmurs from some of the moms from the boys on her son‘s team, they were the kind of soccer mom‘s she really did not like. The ones that looked down on her for being a single mom, like it made her a bad person. Following their eyeline she grinned, Abbot was walking towards where she was sitting, in the lower ranks so that she could keep a close eye on the game the entire time. The sight in front of her made her a little light headed, Jack Abbot in casual clothes was something she had never hoped to see and here he was. A pair of loose fitted dark blue jeans, a tight fitted t-shirt paired with a fleece jacket without a hoodie. His backpack slung over his shoulder, as he walked over to her.

„Hey!“ she grinned at him, not sure how to greet him, though that question was answered when he gave her a quick hug.

„Hey,“ he said as well, taking a seat beside her, his legs spread slightly. Before she was able to say anything she heard one of the other mom‘s say something that made her a bit prickly.

„God, what a waste,“ Karen, the epitome of said name, half shouted while glaring in her direction.

„Thanks again for coming, Abbot,“ she gave him a small smile, he just nodded, a small smile also on his lips.

„Of course, and Jack will do for now,“ he smirked slightly as she felt her face heat up at the idea of calling him by his first name.

„Alright, no last names,“ she gave him a cheeky grin, then looked at the backpack, which had been safely deposited between his legs. Suppressing her laugh she glanced at him.

„What have you got in the bag?“ she asked, nodding at the backpack, Jack hummed softly, a huff escaping him.

„Wanna have a look?“ he asked, while his eyes found her backpack as well, „Mind if I get a peek at what you got?“ a small grin on her face they exchanged backpacks.

Looking into his backpack she found an array of medical supplies, Butterfly ultrasound, neckbrace, field trach kit, tourniquet, a stethoscope, a catheter for a chest tube, syringe and a lot more.

„Came prepared, let's just hope we don‘t need any of these,“ she laughed as she placed the backpack on the ground again.

„You too,“ he nodded with a small smile on his lips.

„Looks like we came with a whole ED on our back,“ she laughed, „Still just so you know there are medics here as well,“ she paused, glancing over at the two teenagers who were the medics for the teams, „I just don‘t trust them,“ she muttered under her breath.

Jack followed her line of sight and nodded slowly as he also saw the two teenagers sitting there, glued to their phones.

„I get that,“ he hummed softly, looking over his shoulder now, she followed his gaze this time she saw Karen staring at him, her husband, Larry, sitting cluelessly beside her. „What is her deal?“ he muttered as he leaned in closer to her, his breath fanning over the side of her face.

„Just getting the newest gossip ready,“ she sighed, a small smirk on her face as she watched Josh helping one of his teammates up from the ground after the kid had tripped.

„For the Soccer moms‘ whatsapp group?“ he asked, his voice laced with amusement. A snort left her lips as she shook her head.

„Worse, the soccer moms‘ facebook group,“ at that comment Jack let out a laugh, gently nudging her with his elbow. She grinned at him, shaking her head slightly. She thought that she could get used to this, to him being around more. It was nice, having someone around that she could talk with, someone that cared for Josh.

„JACK!“ Josh‘s tiny voice pulled her out of her thoughts as she saw him barreling towards her, though he did not launch himself at her, but rather at Jack, jumping into his arms. Jack easily caught Josh, holding him close for a moment, laughing softly as her son‘s tiny hands grabbed his jacket.

„Are you here for my game?“ Josh asked, his eyes big. She felt her heart lurch slightly at the sight. Jack holding Josh, who was now half sitting on his lap, a big grin on his tiny face.

„Yeah, little champ,“ he nodded. The coach called Josh‘s name and he let go of Jack again, not saying anything he bolted back to the team. A small smile grew on her lips as she watched the new spring in Josh‘s step. For a moment there was comfortable silence between them, their shoulders and legs brushing slightly as they watched the team huddled together. Lara and her husband weren‘t there, Tom, their son had caught the flu and was now sick, she was kind of the only mother she actually knew and liked from the team.

„So, any post game traditions?“ Jack asked while they watched the kids scattering over the field, taking their positions to start the game. A snort left her lips as she glanced over at him.

„It‘s only his second game, so no,“ she gave him a small grin as they leaned back slightly.

„What about I take you guys out for some pizza?“ he asked, the tone of his voice was different, it was like there was a subtle question behind it, like he was trying to figure out how far she would let him in.

„Pizza sounds great!“ she smiled at him, feeling her face heat up again as he gave her a quick smile. „But I am paying!“ she grinned at him.

„Let's argue about that when the time comes,“ he shook his head as the whistle for the start of the game blew.

The game was good, Josh‘s team getting another win, this time her little champ had scored the first goal of the match. She and Jack had cheered loudly and for the first time it felt like she could also cheer unapologetically. The look on Josh‘s face during half time had been unforgettable and would probably be burned in her mind forever, the pure joy of seeing her and Jack and how excitedly he had told them about his thoughts during the first goal.

Now the game was over and she and Josh were packing up his things, changing from his soccer shoes to his regular trainers. Josh was babbling about how cool the move of his teammate had been when he had avoided one of the opponents. Jack was standing beside her, a proud smile on his lips. Josh looked as his hands as she was beginning to collect all their stuff.

„Mommy,“ his voice was so soft that she was barely able to even hear him as she looked up, a smile on her face.

„Yeah sweetheart?“ she smiled at him, he looked nervous, glanced at Jack then back at her.

„Can we take a picture?“ he asked softly, looking at his hands like he was asking for some kind of dangerous thing.

“Of course, sweety,“ she smiled at him, gently ruffling his hair, „Do you want a picture with all of us or just you and Jack?“ she knew that they already had a picture of just him and her, so she just assumed that he wanted a picture with Jack.

„Can we do both?“ he asked, his eyes big as he looked at her with hopeful eyes.

„Of course, darling,“ she looked at Jack who looked like he was preening at the question, a small smile on her lips she ushered Josh towards Jack, who exchanged a few hushed whispers with each other. They posed together, Jack placing his hands on Josh‘s shoulders, a proud smile on his lips, an elated expression on Josh‘s. She smiled as she took the pictures.

“Do you want me to take the other one?“ the voice of the coach came from beside her as he gave her a small smile. He was already in his sixties and such a sweetheart.

„Please!“ she handed him her phone, giving him a thankful smile, quickly she moved up to Jack and Josh who both gave her a smile. Stepping behind Josh she also placed one hand on his shoulder, suddenly she felt an arm wrap itself around her waist, a surprised expression graced her face before she also wrapped her arm around his waist as well, both of them a hand on Josh‘s shoulder. The coach grinned slightly as he took a picture.

„You want your mom and I to pick you up?“ Jack asked Josh, who grinned excitedly and nodded quickly. Together they picked up her son, squeezing him between them, all of them laughing, another picture was taken.

That evening she had sent all of the pictures to Jack. Sitting on the sofa while Josh already slept she stared at the screen, the picture of Jack and her holding Josh stared back at her, that night she decided to change the picture of herself and Josh in her background to this one.

—————-

Sitting on her sofa she glanced over at Josh who was snoring softly between her and Jack, his little body snuggled between them. It was so domestic, so normal at this point that it made her want to cry.

Jack always came for the games, always cheered Josh on, always made sure that their little champion knew how well he was doing. Meanwhile he checked in on her, made sure she was also doing alright, offered her to take a few more days off during the months so that she could relax a little. At some point it became a tradition for Jack to come back to her place after a game and pizzas, they would often watch a movie, Josh usually falling asleep within the first half hour of the movie, though they still finished watching the movie, one of them would put him to bed. It was almost like they really were a family, except that they weren‘t, not like that at least.

The tension between them had heightened. At work sometimes it felt like they were really a couple, Jack bringing her coffee, her always making sure to bring an extra bag of food, knowing that Jack often forgot. During breaks she would ask if he needed anything from the grocery store while Jack offered to watch Josh when he had a night off when she didn‘t.

The end credits played as they continued to stare at the screen, she paused the movie, then turned off the TV.

„Do you wanna put him down?“ she asked, feeling how her arm had fallen asleep from Josh sleeping on it, hit head leaning against her upper arm.

„Yeah,“ Jack‘s voice was hoarse, glancing over at him she felt a pang in her heart, realising that he was crying. She had never really seen him cry before, never seen him that emotional. She didn‘t comment on it though, just gave him time to pick up Josh and carry him towards his bedroom. Quietly she followed him, making sure that Jack didn‘t realise. Stopping in the doorway she saw how Jack tucked in Josh, gently brushing some strands of hair out of his face.

„Huh,“ a shaky sigh escaped his lips, she wanted to say something, but she simply stood there and watched, „Sweet boy,“ his voice was so gentle, as he kneeled beside Josh‘s bed. „You know, I really should have believed you when you first told me I loved your mom,“ a soft laugh came from him. He rested his arm on the mattress of her son‘s bed. „Sleep well,“

She felt her heart hammering in her chest. Her chest tightened as she watched the moment between Jack and her sleeping son. Another sigh came from Jack, she took a small step back as he got up from where he had been kneeling, gently pressing a kiss to her son‘s forehead before he turned around. His eyes went wide as he saw her standing there, carefully she made room for him to walk out the room, closing the door behind him.

„I think I should be going, it‘s later than usual,“ he spoke softly as they faced each other in the hallway. The space felt crammed, with all the unsaid things between them. They surrounded them in this moment more than ever before, weighing them down, in a way pulling them together.

„Don‘t,“ she shook her head, feeling the weight that had been living in her chest since Jack had essentially become Josh‘s father figure. The weight of an unspoken truth neither of them really wanted to face, neither of them really wanted to acknowledge.

The air around them was charged, she reached out, trying to keep her hands from shaking, gently she took his. He intertwined their fingers, carefully pulling her closer to him. His free hand wrapped around her cheek, his thumb caressing her it. Moving closer he pressed his lips to hers, it felt like a current went through her body. Their lips moved against each other, wrapping her free arm around his neck she tried to pull him in even closer, to close the distance between them completely. There was a certain urgency in the kiss, they let go of each other‘s hands, his other hand went towards her waist, she wrapped her other arm around his neck as well. As they pulled away he rested his forehead against hers, their breaths intermingling.

His other hand had found her waist now, holding her close to him, the heat radiating off of him now even more comforting than when he looked over her shoulder in a trauma bay. She brushed her nose against his, pressing another soft kiss to his lips.

„Are you going to tell me why you cried?“ she asked, her voice a bit lighter as she spoke, her arms slowly encircling his waist now. A low groan came from him, then a soft huff.

„I always cry at the end of The Lion King,“ he said, his voice cracking slightly, his hold on her not relenting.

„You gotta be kidding me,“ she laughed as she tilted her head back slightly.

„I‘m not,“ he looked deadly serious, though a small smile was now visible on his features.

„I am definitely going to tell Ellis about that,“ she giggled slightly as she buried her face in the crook of his neck, placing soft kisses there.

„You are definitely not going to do that,“ he leaned his head back, letting out a small hum.

“Maybe, maybe not,“ she giggled softly as she leaned her head against his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of finally being in his arms.

#the pitt #jack abbot #the pitt fanfiction #dr jack abbott #jack abbot x reader #the pitt x reader #dr jack abbot x reader #jack abbot x female reader

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olderjodijournals · 6 days ago

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SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2014

Got up at 6am and Tom, who’d been up for a few hours, said there was no Wi-Fi. Yeah, they seem to turn it off every morning. Again, not worth the $500 the room costs. I’ve only been going online to check Facebook once a day, but I don’t need to do that till we return. Again, vacations are all about what we don’t usually do in our everyday lives. I called the front desk who patched me through to support. They asked me for the hotel number. But since I didn’t have it handy, I said forget it. They’ll turn it on when enough people have bitched about it, which is probably their regular morning routine. Anything to save a buck. We could plug the laptop into the wire, but it’s not worth it because then I’d have to use it by the bed. I’d rather sit at the table.

I’m basically sunburn-grounded today, so I will be spending most of the day in the room and I hope those around us won’t do the same. We will go out to one of the finer restaurants later on when we go to pick up our free gift at the Whaler’s Village. That’s something you get for buying something at the mall store where I got the crystal pineapple.

Didn’t sleep too well because of my sunburn. When laying on my back it felt like I was lying on a hot stove, but I’m not that tired. I slept on and off for 8-9 hours. Looks like my schedule won’t be too hard to deal with after all since getting up by 7am tomorrow and 8am the day we leave should be doable enough.

Had a weird dream last night where my mother and brother were still alive only my mother was in her late 50s instead of 80. My brother shot her and went to jail. On TV was a news documentary on it and all about her abuse and why Larry shot her. I thought to myself that once he got settled wherever he was going to be within the system since I didn’t expect him to be released anytime soon despite his reasons for the shooting, I would send him a letter of support.

Last night I dreamed my Italian mom was still alive and I discovered that she and Dad had created a potion or something like that to control the minds and behaviors of others. I wondered if they’d turn on me if they knew I knew about it, knowing they would be in big trouble if they were ever found out.

Just jumped up to snap a pic of a lovely rainbow that’s out there this morning. It’s partly cloudy today and light showers are expected. I’m glad this room doesn’t face east or west so we don’t get blinded by direct sunlight. I also wish, as much as I love beautiful magenta flowers, that they left the chain link fence bare so I didn’t have to stand up to get a better view of the sea.

It’s amazing how many whales there are here now and it’s not even their peak time. I guess that’s not till the end of the month. But anytime I glance outside I see random waterspouts and tails flapping.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2014 We’re back in the air again and headed home to my ratties. Other than them, my bed and stuff like that, that’s all I’ve missed. Oh, and having two bathrooms. It was nice to know that the one bathroom thing was just a temporary deal for us and not the norm it used to be.

We’re about a half-hour into the flight and this one will only be 4.5 hours. Guess it has to do with the direction of the wind.

They served champagne before we even took off, then they gave us those wet hot washcloths, though I’m not sure why. Maybe they felt we’d want to wash up before dinner?

More kids are on this flight, but they’re not a problem from up here in first class.

The plane we’re on landed while we were waiting at the gate, and will be continuing on to Seattle after stopping in Sacramento.

We both agree that our Hawaiian vacation was way better than our Caribbean vacation. On a cruise ship, you’re pretty limited as to where you can go and what you can do, no matter how large the ship may be. I even got that tan I didn’t think I could get, after burning and getting those itchy bumps I’d get when trying to tan in Arizona. This trip was also so much better because we didn’t have all the traveling issues we had the last time around, having to take trains and taxis to airports and hotels and deal with layovers, etc.

For appetizers, they’re serving Thai green papaya salad, grilled calamari, and a warm Hawaiian sweet roll. The entrée I chose is the beef filet with Maui onion marmalade, roasted fingerling potatoes, and sautéed asparagus. Dessert is goat cheese cheesecake. I have had more alcoholic drinks in the last week than in a decade, but that’s only cuz it’s free.

Here they come now with their little bags of mixed nuts and dried fruit. My ratties will love them.

Later…

Just had lunch and it was pretty boring. The sweet roll was delicious, but the salad was lame and the calamari was weird. Tom wasn’t impressed with it at all. So we basically ate the rolls and called it done. The salad had strips of tomatoes, onions, carrots and half-moons of cucumbers.

I’m trying to go in order of events, and while writing passes the flying time, I’d also rather do it on a real computer with a real connection. Our connection was as slow and unreliable as Auburn was. To pay $17 a day, though, for a faster connection would’ve been ridiculous. All we needed it for was to check the accounts and so I could let people on Facebook know we made it over ok and were having fun. Naturally, most of my wonderful family had nothing to say about it. I told Nane that her mother ought to get over to Hawaii now and not wait till May when the whales head up to Alaska.

So glad I brought my good headphones this time around. Screaming kids or not, it’s nice to listen to music with good headphones where you can hear the music better over the roar of the engines.

A week turned out to be the perfect amount of time for our vacation. At first I was hoping to go for 4 days but that wouldn’t have been enough time to do everything we wanted to do. Anything longer would’ve been a bit much, not just cuz of the rats and my schedule, but because it’s so tiring after a while. We did so, so much and a lot of it was rather physical. We really exerted ourselves at times. My schedule did much better than I thought it would. I had Tom get me up at 7:00 yesterday and at first I was tired as hell. But an hour later plus a cup of coffee, I was fine.

Due to the energy, all the walking and swimming zapped from us, we both crashed earlier. I still woke up for a minute here and there throughout the night but woke up on my own for good at 7:00, an hour before I had to get up. All in all my schedule only jumped forward 4 hours while we were there.

My feet are swollen as hell cuz I’m not used to spending so much time on them. I almost wish I could be this physical every day, but what could I do? Run around the park all day or night? That’d get boring. Besides, at home, I do have other responsibilities.

I can tell I’ve gained weight despite all the activity. It’s going to take another month or so for my thyroid pill to kick in and for the doctor to adjust the levels and all that. Furthermore, I am older and I did eat like a pig. Sure was fun living on steak and seafood during the week. I had a lot of other things, too.

Later…

Dinner was absolutely delicious. Glad they finally took our trays so I can put my journal on the table. It’s easier to write that way as opposed to holding it in my hand.

I believe I left off with the events of the 1st, so I’ll start there. That was Whaler’s Village and Luau day.

We walked from our room to the Whaler’s Village, which was about a 15-minute walk. There they had lots of shops but they were pretty damn expensive cuz many of them sold designer clothes as well as handmade and one-of-a-kind items.

We gave the store our voucher for the free gift they had to offer. Unfortunately, that was for a boring skull necklace or earrings. I chose a pair of hot pink fish fin earrings, which I plan to send to Sarah. Mark and Becky will get shell necklaces and Tammy can have one of the sleeping dogs she loves so much. I’ll send her the golden retriever but will keep the cocker spaniel.

For me, I got a glitter eyeshadow palette from Sephora’s.

We got pizza and fries and then ice cream at Hagen Daz.

For anyone interested in looking these places and events up – the town we stayed in was Ka’anapali on the island of Maui. We stayed at the Sheraton Maui Resort. It was the Old Lahaina Luau we attended on our last night in Lahaina. Tickets are $109 per person, but it was included in our package. We flew in and out of the Kahului Airport in Maui.

Just took a break for dessert and why we got chocolate cake instead of cheesecake beats me, but it was still good. Fortunately for Tom, he liked both dinner and dessert. Well, except for the asparagus, of course, which I ate.

When the guy came around asking if we’d like more drinks, I asked if they’d be serving Mai Tais, but they only do that on the way to Hawaii. A moment later he surprised me with one cuz they had some left over from the previous flight.

Ok, on with the luau. It was fun to experience at least once, but not worth doing again. It was oh-so Hawaiian, though, with the hula dancers dancing with the ocean behind them and coconut palms all around, but overall the entertainment wasn’t that impressive and the food was so-so. Can’t tell you everything we had, though, cuz most of the food names were written in Hawaiian, LOL.

Earlier in the day, we wondered if it was going to be canceled due to all the rain. Yeah, for a few hours it came down hard. When I looked out to sea, the clouds had pretty much whited things out so you couldn’t tell where the sea met the sky.

After standing in line forever, we were given leis of purple orchids (oops, almost wrote “lies” of purple orchids). Then we were shown to our seats. Keeping in mind where our table was, we walked around a bit. The music wasn’t my kind at all, of course.

We saw a couple of guys crack open, juice and squeeze out some coconut for people to sample in little cups. Tom hates coconut, of course, so he wouldn’t dare touch any.

Then there were a couple of female dancers teaching some people some dance moves. In each hand, they held what looked like bushels of incense sticks and they made this rattling sound when they shook them.

Had to take another break for a minute cuz I felt a bit ill. Not like I was going to puke or anything like that, but I felt warm and like I couldn’t suck in enough air. I think the days of alcoholic beverages are over for me for a while. Sure drank a lot during the luau. Had a Mai Tai, a Honey Girl, and a Lava Flow. These drinks are mixes of fruits with either vodka or rum. Pretty sure I had some soda and water along the way too, LOL.

We were seated at a long table with 3 other couples – a black couple from Alabama and two from icy cold Minnesota. All were very nice.

By then it was getting dark and so they lit all the tiki lights. It looked so cool too, and the only unpleasant thing was this weird smell at times that reminded me of a filthy public bathroom. Don’t know what it could’ve been, though. We weren’t that close to the restrooms.

It almost felt like we’d gone to another country, not just because of the different climate, but because almost all the street signs and other things were written in Hawaiian. It’s a good thing I knew that kane was man and wahine was woman or else I might’ve used the wrong bathroom, haha. Other than that, aloha and mahalo, I don’t know shit.

We were then led to the buffet where it was hard to see because their lights were broken. The steak and seafood salad was good. There were a couple of things that looked like ground spinach in which one tasted awful and the other tasted great.

The costumes weren’t that impressive and neither was the dancing because they were moves anyone could do. Loved all the long dark hair and dark eyes, though. Gotta give them credit for remembering all the moves of their routines despite the lack of intricacy. Their timing was perfect too, when dancing in unison. So it’s harder than the exotic dancing I once did because there’s nothing to learn or remember. They just want you young and thin.

Later…

Just like the last time, all I really see out there are clouds galore.

Got 54 more minutes of flying time, so I’ll try to cover the rest of the trip while we’re still in the air. That was 3 more things, the submarine ride, another trip to the Whaler’s Village, and one last swim.

The submarine ride was spectacular and worth the $233 our tickets cost us. Look up Atlantis Submarines for more info and pics. Their site probably even has videos.

Took my second and last potty break before we landed in the dry 56-degree weather. I’m gonna miss those 80-degree temps! I was amazed at how many joggers were out and about despite the humidity. Most ran in the mornings and evenings. Guess who’s going to be able to run like that and get results just like they do? Yeah, moi! I knew something had to be wrong with all that running and dieting I was doing just to get no results whatsoever. I just knew it. I didn’t expect, however, to learn my thyroid quit working altogether.

Tom thinks he should lose 50 pounds and I should lose 25 if that’s what I decide to do. 110 would be ideal for me, but 120 is more realistic for my build, height, age and muscle density. Gotta laugh when Tom says I should soon be able to lose with exercise and eating “reasonably.” What does he think I am, young? Male? I had to restrict calories even before my thyroid went to hell, so why wouldn’t I now? Only difference is I shouldn’t have to damn near starve myself.

Looks like I’m not going to finish the trip in the air after all. I’ve written a lot as it is and need to give my hand a rest.

Here I come, ratties!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2014 Back home now and ready to get caught up on the trip… finally! I have just a few more activities to cover. I’ve been surprisingly tired. We’ve been taking this day just to basically recover, and my having PMS doesn’t help cuz that always makes me more tired. And hungrier. I had 5 bagel bites and was still hungry. Scarfed down a bowl of ice cream. Still hungry. Ate a hot dog since Tom got the only kind I like, which he rarely gets cuz they’re kind of greasy and expensive. Still a little hungry, but fine. I’ll just live with it.

On Sunday we stopped at Atlantis Submarines and found they had plenty of room for us to book a trip. They can fit up to 48 people per trip and there are no bathrooms in the submarine so it’s best to go on an empty bladder. Being Superbowl Sunday, they had plenty of open seats.

I thought the dive site was at the docks where Trilogy, the catamaran boats, as well as others, take off from. However, we had to take a little shuttle boat out to the actual dive site. It was about a 10-minute ride and they went faster than the catamaran did, at what I’m guessing was 40 MPH, whatever that comes out to in knots.

They gave us free postcards which they paid the postage for and so I decided to send one to Andy.

Since they did a dive before us we got to see the submarine emerge from the water. It was way cool! I got pics of it coming up as well as going back down with the next batch of passengers after our ride. Only the very top of it emerges above the water. The viewports remain underwater.

The inside of the sub is about as long as a bus but narrower. There are no isles you can walk up and down and people sit wedged in close and pretty much back-to-back. One row faces the viewports on the starboard side, and one faces the port side. There are two ways down into the sub and each one goes a different direction. If you go down from the left you sit on the port side and if you go down on the right you sit on the starboard side like we did.

So down we went to the ocean floor! Our deepest point was at 130 feet and the guy leading the tour and explaining the types of fish and the various things we were seeing, said to kiss our lovers as it would literally be the “deepest” kiss ever, haha.

Anyway, the guy explained how different colors change at different depths. The first one you lose is red. That becomes purple at 30 feet. Bright colors appear to glow, he said, and I looked at my bright, neon nails and sure enough, they did appear to glow.

I was surprised natural sunlight reached down to where we were going. He said you have to go to 600 feet before you lose all sunlight. He also said that coral only grows a quarter of an inch a year.

The viewports are magnified by 25% and so things appeared bigger and closer than they actually were.

Throughout the ride, we saw an old ancient anchor and a couple of cement blocks. The most fascinating part of the voyage, even more so than the fish, was the sunken ship! It was one they actually sunk themselves. It was an old leaky ship they bought for just a buck. But it costs a few grand in permits and all that shit. They sunk it for fish to play in back in ’05. It now has coral building upon it, of course, and there’s a hanging chain, which gives them a sense of what the current is like, even though most of the motion is at the surface.

So up we went and I watched the ocean floor fall away. Then he reached up, turned a small wheel and opened the hatch. Up the ladder we climbed where we then took pics of it submerging before being shuttled back to the harbor.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2014 I have seriously mixed emotions over returning home. As Andy said, there’s no place like home. But like I said, there’s also no place like Maui and I already miss it and want to go back. But it doesn’t have to be Maui. Florida and other places are a lot like it, climate-wise. When I think we may be here for 14 more years, it doesn’t sit well with me, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world either. It’s just that I strongly vibe we won’t be here that long. This could only mean something very bad or very good has to happen along the way if I’m right. We either lose the house, die, or win a shitload of money.

I hate being cold and I hate the extreme dryness, though we are on for rain this week and we did purchase a humidifier. I’m also back with the landscaping and heavy traffic. That’s another thing I liked about Maui – no big scary freeways. I hate the freeway here cuz not only do half the people creep (Cali must have killer speeding tickets) but you just never know who’s gonna cut in front of you or something stupid like that.

Still have more to cover on the trip, but first, today’s the first day since returning home that I woke up feeling well-rested. It took a million hours of sleep to do it, but I did it, nonetheless. Yesterday I got to wake up to landscaping and today it was hammering. Heard landscaping for a few minutes later on, too.

Had some weird dreams. In one dream Andy and I were young and single again and I was still on disability. We went down to Connecticut and Andy found someplace he wanted to move into, though I don’t know what it was. He insisted I had to be his roommate but when I explained to him that I didn’t get enough money to pay my share, he dumped me and left me stranded.

I was walking along wherever when a pleasant-looking woman in her early 30s or so picked me up. I was grateful as hell and told her I was from Massachusetts. She said she was too, and was headed up there. I asked where in MA she lived and first she said Leeds, then she said Northampton.

Later…

Time to wrap up our wonderful trip for once and for all. Before we left, Tom was afraid we missed the plane, LOL. He checked our flight’s status to be sure it was on time, but it was listed as late. He was like, how can it be late if it hasn’t left yet, but they were predicting it’d be late in taking off. It wasn’t, though.

After the submarine ride, we stopped in their store to give them the postcard to mail, and I also got a few more souvenirs from them as well. I will eventually take pics of the things we got there.

So at the submarine place, I got a clear magnet with a floating boat, and this thing I don’t even know what to call. It works like an hourglass only it’s not sand. It’s like oil and water, however, the pink and orange “beads” of liquid that fall through the clear liquid can’t be oil cuz oil floats. I don’t know what it is. Some kind of gel? Anyway, it takes a couple of minutes for it to trickle down and it’s pretty cool looking.

I also got an ankle bracelet I just love. It’s totally me and very comfortable. It has multicolored beats and a little gold heart dangling from it that has a little bell or something like that inside it. You can kind of hear me tinkering when I walk. Size small fit perfectly. My wrists and ankles are the only body parts that never got fat.

We went to a burger place and OMG! The screaming kids drove me nuts. They are just TOTALLY out of control these days. We’d never have been allowed to run around loose like that in stores and restaurants screaming like animals. I was like, somebody slap these things silent! That was pretty much the only time they got annoying. Little annoying at the pavilion the day we went sailing too, but at least the flights were peaceful. On the ground, you can move away from the damn things, but in the air? I feel bad for Andy cuz he’s annoyed by their racket too, and the woman next to him is expecting. It may be years before it’s running around and making it seem like an earthquake hit his building, but I would think some of the screaming would go through the walls. Our hotel was peaceful overall, though it did have its annoying moments. It wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been because most of the people were older, but the walls were pretty thin. I never heard TVs or anything like that but I heard plenty of bumps and bangs. I do NOT miss attached living. It’s too bad, too. An apartment in Maui is probably all we could ever afford.

At first glance, I thought they had the British flag flying with the American flag till I realized it was the Hawaiian flag. Not what you’d expect. I thought they’d have something with the ocean or flowers.

Sunday afternoon, shortly after eating our burgers and fries, we went for one last swim, but it was kind of cold so we didn’t stay long.

That evening we walked to the Whaler’s Village again. We were halfway there when the resort shuttle picked us up and brought us the rest of the way. Tom got pizza at the pizza place and I got this awesome dinner of clams and mushrooms in a creamy sauce served over penne pasta. We got some snacks and a few more things for me – hot pink athletic shorts and a couple of hula girls. Those figurines that swivel at the waist.

Later…

The Sacramento airport sure was a pain in the ass compared to the Kahului airport. In the Sac, we had to take off our shoes and shuttle to the gate. In Kahului, you just check in and walk a little way down to the gates. You still have to put your carry-ons in a tray to be x-rayed and walk through one yourself, but that’s it.

As soon as we stepped off the plane I was hit with a blast of cold air seeping between the space where the plane meets the ramp you walk down and into the terminal. We’ve only been home two days and already my skin is dry and my ear is on the verge of annoying me based on the “popping” sounds my artificial canal is making. Yeah, it took me all these years to FINALLY figure out why it aches so much and now I know. I’m at least 95% sure anyway that it has to do with living so many years in such dry climates. We oil it to keep the skin soft, which has trouble shedding on its own, but Hawaii had enough moisture in the air to keep it soft. I probably wouldn’t even need lotion there.

Another theory Tom has is that the thyroid medication could be helping my ear. Our bodies are constantly replacing dead cells. When your thyroid craps out on you this process, metabolism, and so much more slows down to a crawl. The slowing down of shedding and replacing dead skin and cells may’ve been a factor, but I’m going with the humidity factor. So much so that we bought a humidifier on Amazon for $100 that says it can do up to a 2300-square-foot place. So we’ll be creating a tropical climate indoors. The stickiness can get uncomfortable, especially when you’re doing something physical, but it’s better than the pain and discomfort the dryness causes.

I only gained a pound or two if even that since I’m kind of watery right now. I’m ready to make one final shot at blasting 40 once they adjust my medication. I just don’t know if I want to do Nutrisystem or Jodisystem.

Tom noticed that someone emptied our trash and our green waste while we were gone. Then when he was checking the mail, Virginia jumped out at him and said they took care of it for us. How incredibly nice of them! It took us over 20 years to get decent neighbors, but we definitely do have them… finally! I’m glad they took note of our absence, cuz while I did tell Bob we were going to Hawaii at the end of January, I didn’t give the dates. That was so, so nice of them to look out for us. I’m sure they’d have called the cops had they noticed anything suspicious going on too, though I didn’t expect there to be because of the location. The dream people would’ve told me if any trouble was amiss anyway by making sure I got hit with the wrong kinds of nightmares. Even so, the drive from the park gate to the house was the equivalent of that icy cold walk up N. 11th Street in Oregon when we stepped off the Amtrak back in ’07, wondering and hoping everything was okay.

It wasn’t ok for the people on the other side of our neighbors. They too, went to Hawaii, only they went cruising. Then they got to come back to a broken heater, poor things. Someone’s plumbing or electricity must’ve gone out in one of the houses behind us cuz the utility truck was there earlier. That’s the hammering I heard.

The lamp in the living room was on when we got home cuz we timed it to come on at night. I called to the rats as soon as we came in and out popped Sugar from his burrow. It was so cute. Then Romeo hopped out a second later. I missed my furballs!

The only pisser is that the mail hasn’t been delivered yet like it should’ve been. Tom called the post office just to be ignored for 20 minutes, so he finally hung up and sent an email. So what have we got to do now, fight for our mail?

My schedule is also totally messed up. We’re going to have to reschedule a few of my 10 million appointments.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2014 Sheriff Joe, you really love to stir up controversy, don’t you? Yeah, leave it to a sheriff who’s both crazy and corrupt to punish inmates in Arizona who destroyed flags with nothing but bread and water for a week. First of all, what the hell were flags of all things doing within their reach? Secondly, while I can understand the symbolic importance of the American flag to some people, it is just a piece of material after all. Thirdly, should one man really be allowed to play God like that and just make and break laws at will and dish punishments at will as well? Lastly, what about health issues and possible risks from this lovely diet over this material thing?

Ok, so they’re criminals. Some were framed, some are in on trumped-up charges, but MOST are true criminals at heart who deserve to be miserable. But like it or not they’re still human. Should we treat them like animals? Hmm… that’s a tough one. I mean, if someone’s an overall decent person in for petty theft or drug abuse, it’s hard to really want to see them suffer. Murderers, rapists, beaters and child molesters, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Not sure what’s going on with the house across the street. The For Sale sign has been down and since we’ve been back there’s been a red SUV over there like somebody’s living there. But wasn’t that the same vehicle that used to be there before the house went on the market?

This may sound funny, but I wonder if I should switch to a smaller monitor due to how shitty my eyes are. In Hawaii, I used our 17” laptop and with that I could still wear my bifocals, allowing me to see both near and far. With my single vision lenses I can see my 21” screen fine, but when I turn to look across the room it’s all blurry.

Got Tom into watching Twin Peaks on Amazon after telling him for years how wonderful it was. It was one of my favorite series, though much too short with just two seasons. I pretty much quit watching TV after that because it became nothing but the same old shit over and over again. Maybe I’ll catch a movie tonight or play with this really cool graphics editor we downloaded when we got back, now that I’m caught up in writing, posting trip photos, and backing up to Amazon Cloud.

Later…

Got curious and looked up my doctor. Looks like she is or has dated a black guy. Figured she was straight. She may be blond, but she’s tall, slim and has a great smile and body. I messaged her and complimented her pics, but I’m sure she won’t get it. Really beginning to think it’s me who can’t send non-friends messages and not just a big old glitch. It’ll supposedly go to her “other” folder, but I still don’t think she’ll get it. If my friends sometimes don’t get my messages, why would those who aren’t friends get theirs?

Our new humidifier arrived today. Hopefully, we can bring a taste of Maui indoors and HOPEFULLY help these constant ear problems I’ve been having for the last decade or so. We’ve had a surprising amount of rain, though. I’m shocked that we’re going to get 4-5 days of it. It’s exciting, too! Love hearing my wind chimes, something you won’t hear much of in these parts. The drought has wreaked havoc on the lands, farms and my skin and ear. I probably wouldn’t need lotion in Hawaii, Florida or other tropical climates. My sunburn is peeling too, though that would’ve happened anywhere.

Ever just know something? I mean where you really have a strong sense of knowing something with certainty in your gut? I’m sure you have. Again, I’m not as unique as some may think, I’m just a little more advanced when it comes to knowing the unknown. And while I get most of my info in dreams, every now and then I’m wide awake. Well, my vibes say we’re not going to be here for 14 years. The plan is for Tom to work till he’s 70. We’d be ok if he retired at 66, but more than ok at 70. We’d get close to what he makes now, so we wouldn’t be rich, but we’d be comfortable.

“We’re not going to be here in this house till you’re 70,” I told him the other day. “I just know it. With every ounce of my gut and heart, I know it.”

It’s similar to when the well was fixed. Right as they were finishing up a gloomy feeling came over me and Tom noticed and asked what was wrong. I shook my head dubiously and said, “Same thing’s gonna happen in two years.”

“Oh, no, sweetie,” he said with a confident and reassuring smile. “This is galvanized piping we’ve got now. Not that cheap PVC.”

But it did happen less than a week to the date.

Anyway, it hit me that we wouldn’t be here that long and I told him that could only mean something very good or very bad - we either win big bucks (since we don’t want to give up his job before he retires to have to scramble to find a job there in time and take those risks all over again that damn near killed us) or something happens to cause us to lose the house if it doesn’t kill us first, whatever it is.

Then it hit me. Maybe Tammy and Mark are our ticket out sooner. Maybe after they get settled there in 5 years or so and if they’re right in thinking the business will be successful and all that and could use one more pair of helping hands… well, you just never know. Tom can fix anything. ANYTHING. But he’ll be the first to admit that this type of work isn’t what he’s used to, so he would probably find something computer-related. He’s used to warehouses and assembly lines and is usually some type of lead or manager.

Still, it makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Now if we were surprised with a shitload of money… sorry, but we’re going back to Ka’anapali, LOL.

I’d kill for a home job that didn’t require a schedule, even if it were slave wages. I don’t mean pennies, but I’d settle for minimum wage, even a little less. That’s just a dream, though.

We had to bump my appointments up to the end of the month. Damn, I am so, so sick of this thing dictating my life, but I don’t know why the doc wants me to eventually go to the sleep clinic once everything else is stabilized. What can they tell me that I don’t already know? It’s like with my ear; there’s only so much you can do about it. That ear is always going to be like it is and it’s never going to look or hear normally no matter what you do to it. I’ll gladly follow her advice, but since we can’t make a short person tall or a tall person short, what’s the point? Guess I’ll find that out later on.

Millions of people look forward to waking up each morning (and sometimes afternoons or nights) to go to a job, to make money, and while their jobs may not always be loads of fun, they still have them and the paychecks they come with. Money’s not the point right now. Tom makes more than enough for both of us; the point is that sometimes I just wish I could be normal like everybody else. I’m not not working because I won the lottery. I’m not not working because I’m 66. I’m 48 and I don’t qualify for disability even though I have more health issues than even I realized I had. Some things were as obvious as a period, but other things really took me by surprise, even if most can be dealt with.

I know, I know, maybe if I’d worked some disgruntled employee may’ve come to work a little trigger-happy one day, right? So maybe our God who just “loves” me oh so much was just saving my ass, right? Well, instead of just seeing that I worked where no one was trigger-happy, why not just sic this shit on me instead and keep me out of work altogether. Brilliant solution!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2014 God, I can’t get that place off my mind! Had you asked me where I wanted to live someday I could’ve named a number of places, but not actual towns or cities. I had my general ideas. Now I could say “Ka’anapali, Hawaii” with certainty.

Had to laugh at how disappointed I was to return to California, the very state I dreamed of living in so many times, especially as a kid. It sure was nice, though, to return to a home of our own and not someone else’s dumpy old trailer.

I didn’t just love the weather but the appearance of the place as well. If you love colorful flowers and palm trees, that’s the place to be, though I’m sure Florida has enough of that as well. Florida would be a little hotter in the summer, which would make hanging outdoors a bit more uncomfortable, but would also keep the pools and ocean from being as chilly as a few cloudy days can make them.

Maui is the perfect place, minus the costs. It was like one big party that never ended, though I understand that those that live there are working if they’re not retired, and not running off to submarine rides every day. Unless they work on one.

For now, we should still be here for years even if it’s not for 14 years. So we may as well make it as comfortable as we can. We’ll probably get the new dishwasher in the next week or two. We probably won’t get the carpet for another month or two when we won’t be wasting heat with open doors. Then there’s painting, new drapes, new flooring, etc. I just want to personalize it, worn-out carpet and shit or not, and make it more our place than the last people’s place.

In case I forgot to say, the island we sailed to might’ve been the Oahu island and it was in the town of Lanai.

Later…

Hawaii must miss me as much as I miss it cuz we’ve had more rain here in the last 3 days than we’ve had in the last 3 years, and it’s coming from Hawaii. I love it! It just has to come down really hard here for me to hear it on the patio and carport roofs which are made of the same metal the trailer’s roof was made of. In a real house, you don’t hear what you can hear in a trailer.

Really wish I was on days now so I could enjoy knowing the rain would keep the landscapers away. It’s quiet at night anyway no matter what the weather is.

So my nutty husband and I call the Robo vac Rosie and now I’m calling the new humidifier Maui. Since bringing Maui’s humidity inside our NorCali home my ear has been fine. To think I suffered on and off for a decade just to go to Hawaii and discover the cure for it is amazing! But I’m not 100% sure this is the answer to easing its aches and pains just yet. It’s too soon. I’ve gone a week or two without discomfort many times. If it is I’ll be thrilled, but I also know God will be sure to replace me with a whole new long-term problem that will make my life just as annoying.

Just got off the treadmill not too long ago. The thing has 6 programmed workouts. I’m in shape enough for one of the intensity workouts, but two of them I won’t even try, LOL. Not yet anyway.

Because it could be another month before my hormone levels are adjusted, I’m not “dieting” yet but I am slowly preparing myself by eating a little less and a little smarter than I have been these last couple of weeks. Why start really dieting now before the meds are tweaked since it wouldn’t do me any good? I will always do my best, however, to exercise regularly and keep in shape, whether I do or don’t end up dropping weight.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2014 My nieces’ updates are the usual – revenge, fights against cancer, sisterly love, and of course they love their abusive daddy oh so much.

Eileen didn’t get my postcard cuz she, her husband, and her 90-year-old mother moved to a cheaper place, and Irene asked if I’d been in touch with Nane. Has Nane been ignoring her or something?

I’m shocked to say this but I think I finally broke free of the trolls. I had my first Ask account open for a few days as a test, yet nothing came in at all, let alone that smelled of them. Molly’s online time may be very limited, though. As for Kim, if she’s as crazy as I came to think she was, then she may still think I’m conspiring against her on a regular basis, but if not, then she’s probably no longer reading my journal.

I seem to have a local visitor in Sacramento and Roseville. I think there may be more than one, and while I’d like to think it’s connected to my dentist or Dr. C, it’s probably just random. Could be coming from the park, but I doubt it. Then again, it could also be a BOT, which may be why TIP isn’t picking it up. Google doesn’t give IP#s, so I can’t run it to see if it’s a suspected proxy or whatever.

Again I wish Andy had less free time online. Ask is fun, but not a dozen times a day. No one can make me respond to him the instant he checks in, though. I can wait a few hours between check-ins. He may wonder why I’m not there as much and act like I’m hardly ever there at all, but tough. Seriously, though, he lives online and only sleeps 4 hours a night.

The rain came down with a vengeance all through last night but is now tapering off.

Andy continues to amaze and surprise me. Yeah, just when we think we know all there is to know about someone, LOL. He partook in a couple of sleep studies, which Tom says is common for those with his type of problem.

I also didn’t realize he had a soul mate, let alone a female one. I always considered soul mates to be those we married or at least lived with for the rest of our lives, but no matter how many times you unmarried Tom and I, and no matter how much distance you put between us, we’re still soul mates. Funny, though, for a guy who’s mostly attracted to guys to have a female soul mate while I, predominately attracted to women, have a male soul mate.

I think I also have a bit of a crush on my newest doctor (yeah, keep this health shit up and I’m gonna have a real collection of doctors that’ll outnumber my damn doll collection). Anyway, it’s harmless, hee hee. She doesn’t take my breath away or anything like that as I don’t usually go for light eyes and hair, but she’s tall and has a beautiful smile and body.

I was snooping around in her Facebook photos. Then again is it really snooping when the things are public? I just get curious about who I’m dealing with, and back in the 80s and 90s when I was last seeing doctors we couldn’t look them up like we can now.

The humidifier is still helping my ear. So we paid the quack doctor up in Oregon over $100 to be worthless while all these years later I go to Hawaii and accidentally discover what was making it ache so much.

Well geez, Doc, I guess I should’ve gone to medical school. Or maybe not. Scheduleless or not, I still prefer writing, languages and singing to blood, puke, piss, shit and other ungodly gore.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2014 Quick update while the rats are out playing. My ear is still better and I’m down nearly 3 pounds, but unfortunately, it’s probably due to water loss now that my period is over, and not the thyroid pills kicking in and working along with diet and exercise. I’m not dieting much yet. Just eating healthy and in reasonable portions. It feels good to be running, lifting and crunching again. I miss road running, but schedules and weather got in the way of that for a while. I should be back out there soon.

This week I’m cleaning the house a section at a time and doing a super thorough job since I’ve been neglecting it since before the vacation.

Created an account on Penzu that automatically keeps all journal entries private unless you choose to share any particular entries, which can be done anonymously or not. I’m basically using it as another backup. Sites change, accounts get hacked, sites shut down (such as in the case of Open Diary and My Dear Diary), so multiple backups are always a good thing.

I update Histofme monthly.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2014 Really hope last night’s nightmare doesn’t mean more medical trouble or other trouble is ahead for me. It didn’t leave me with an ominous feeling, but anyone like me is always concerned after these types of dreams.

There were two dreams. First I remember diving into a big wave in the ocean (Maui again?), and then the trip seemed to get rather rough. Something about not getting transportation or something like that and there might’ve been an issue of money. Tom and I were talking to a young guy and Tom was saying that “the woman” who I’m guessing coordinated the trip, said he shouldn’t have to be the one to call and bitch about it and that he should let her take care of that.

Then the young guy comes out and says, “You two should leave each other.”

“Why?” I said. “In the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve been through a lot worse than this.”

He said, “No, I mean you two should split up and divide the tasks that need to be done today.”

We laughed and agreed that might be a good idea.

The second dream got a little scary. They (don’t ask who “they” were) were going to throw me in a pit of fire in a hole in the ground that was perhaps 12 feet deep. There were about 10 others in the area, including Tom. Most were standing but I was sitting down. Not sure if it was a “legal” execution or not or what it was I supposedly did to be tossed into a fiery hell, but as the enormity of it began to sink in, I said to Tom, “What a helluva way to go. I was really hoping to die in my sleep of old age. This is really going to hurt, isn’t it?”

He wore a dubious expression.

I thought of telling him that I’ve noticed that the guy doing the “executions” leaves as soon as he sends the person down into the fire and so maybe he could try to pull me back up, but figured the others would stop him from doing so. But before I could speak Tom might’ve said something about trying to let myself burn up as fast as I can.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2014 More signs that the thyroid pills are kicking in. Before, a cup of coffee would put half a pound on me, and of course a full-blown meal would jack me up 2-3 pounds within a half-hour of eating it. But earlier I had a cup of coffee and a protein bar and was barely up half a pound. So unless something up there is doing a damn good job of teasing me or I had more water retention than I realized, this could very well be it! If the control is truly in my hands now, then next comes deciding how much I want to lose. Maybe I’ll just lose a little, maybe a moderate amount, or maybe I’ll skin myself down to nothing. I doubt I could get under 120, so I’m going to take the I’ll-lose-what-I-can attitude and leave the rest to fate. Meanwhile, I’m working out daily. Enough to help make a difference but not too much at this point because I don’t want to make myself hungrier.

I just hope the nightmare I had doesn’t mean anything. If I had to guess I’d say it’s probably nothing to worry about. But still, I have 4 appointments between the 25th - 3rd and I wonder what shit may come up at that time. More cavities at the dentist? More pain than anticipated when getting my ingrown toenail taken care of? I can’t imagine what the ear doctor might say, and of course I don’t even want to think of what may come up with the eye exam. We haven’t yet scheduled my ultrasound or sleep appointments.

Later…

Saw a movie based on a true story about a young girl who worked at a hospital. She was murdered and then she ended up possessing her old coworker to get her to bring the guy to justice. Once she got what she wanted, she never possessed or contacted the woman again.

If half of this story is true then that goes to show there is no God dishing out karma to those who wrong us and get away with it at least where the law’s concerned, and if there is one, it sure likes to sit back and let the devil take over at times without a care in the world. Really, why did SHE have to be the one to do the right thing from the other side?

I still don’t know what to believe for sure as far as ghosts, the afterlife, God or the devil go. No one’s ever jumped down from the sky, shook my hand and introduced themselves as God. I’ve never been dead and so I can’t say if there’s an afterlife, unless I was reincarnated and don’t remember my last life. I’ve never seen a ghost with my own eyes, though I have had some strange experiences like with the Maricopa land being haunted and what I think might’ve been my foster mom. Maybe I wouldn’t even know what to think where dream premonitions are concerned if I hadn’t experienced them firsthand. I know that just because I haven’t seen or experienced something myself doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t exist, but sometimes it’s hard to believe what I can’t see. When all you hear are stories that could be wishful thinking or hallucinations for all you know, you just don’t know what to believe for sure.

Somebody’s rat bastards have been “marking” her Robo vac with piss. Yeah, these pissaholics are quite territorial, alright. And do they go run and hide when someone comes to the door? Hell no! Instead, they have to charge the door with me as if it’s some kind of race or contest to see who can get to it first. rolls eyes But I do love my pissing, curious critters, LOL.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2014 In regards to my entry about being unsure as to what to believe in as far as unearthly sources go, someone said, “That’s a reasonable outlook. A person’s beliefs are such a personal thing and definitely something to give some deep thought. The world would be a better place with karma doing its job. But I just can’t believe in it for so many reasons. Interesting entry!”

Yeah, just seeing how good my abusive mother had it up until her final year of life alone is enough to make me doubt karma.

Good people often have it rough. Bad people often have it sweet and fine. Alison may not be perfect, and she’s the first to admit this, but I know her well enough to say with certainty that she’s a decent person overall. Sure enough, though, she’s still medically cursed. When she had that abscessed tooth she bit a hole in her tongue and her gut feeling says she’ll have to have surgery on it. :(

I vaguely remember a dream where Michelle performed a “preliminary” ultrasound of my thyroid and might’ve urged me to check into it. Hopefully, that’s not a bad sign cuz there is a possibility of it having goiters, which could turn cancerous. If that’s the case then they need to remove the damn thing.

Now down 3.2 pounds but since I could always lose a few pounds I’m still not 100% sure the pills are helping. I need another week or two to know for sure. If things are still the same then my weight will go into reset mode within the next week. Meanwhile, I’m still running, crunching and lifting.

Andy said I might want to delete my vacation pics someday. No way! That was the BEST vacation I ever had and I love those pics. He said his mother said that unless he’s in it, people don’t want to see scenery pics, yet everyone else who’s seen the album loved the green grass and mountains, the coconut palms, the resort, the beaches, and the sea, both under and on the water. Besides, I’m still huge and ugly. Why would anyone want to see pics of me?

Sam’s Clubs gives out free gifts for you taking the time to watch the presentations they do, and they gave Tom a cleaning shammy the last time around. It’s a super-soft cloth and it did an excellent job of eliminating streaks from mirrors with no water or chemicals whatsoever.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2014 Finally saw the movie Eden, about the true story of a young girl who was kidnapped and forced into prostitution. But it made no sense. The girls had plenty of opportunities to escape and cry for help but never took advantage of it. Neither did they consider the fact that there were about 30 of them but just a few captors. Why didn’t they all jump and attack them and then get the hell out of there?

Went into my first my-diary account to check something and was amazed to see it’s been shared to Google 23 times, shared once on Facebook, and tweeted twice.

Dropped another two-tenths of a pound but that’s only because I slept forever. Still don’t know how much the thyroid pills are affecting me just yet, but whether or not I lose anymore over the next week will tell me.

I sure have been dreaming a lot about the ocean since returning from Maui. I think I even swam in a lake at some point, too. Never really cared for lakes. My German hottie, who wished me, Tom and the ratties a happy Valentine’s Day with a cute rat pic, was in one of the dreams. She sounded English, LOL.

This isn’t a complaint but just an observation instead. I’ve noticed that a few of my friends and I seem to be total duplicates while others seem to be exact opposites when it comes to our likes, dislikes, habits and our ways of thinking and doing things. I’m like wow, can two people really be that similar or dissimilar?

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2014 Had an interesting run yesterday morning. It’s amazing how many people are up so early, even before the sun comes up. First I damn near tripped on a sprinkler and killed myself, then the turkeys went off from down in the ditch and scared the shit out of me that’s how loud they are. Then I passed by a lady walking her dog with a muzzle on. It was trying so hard to bark and what sound did come out sounded so fucking funny I had to run even faster to keep from bursting out laughing and freaking the dog out even more, LOL.

First time hitting the open road since before the vacation and now my quad muscles are killing me. I thought that after all the activity in Hawaii and then using the treadmill I’d still be in shape for the road. Wrong! Oh well, today I’ll just work my arms and abs and tomorrow I should be fine for hitting the road again.

Down another two-tenths of a pound, but still can’t say the thyroid pills are helping just yet. Weight loss is so gradual that you really need to lose more than a few pounds to know much of anything. I should definitely know more in another week.

Hope Andy has a great birthday today! I told Tom what he said he had for breakfast yesterday and we were laughing. Not in a bad way of course, but eggs, 4 pieces of toast, 2 bananas and 2 glasses of juice?! That’s a LOTTA food! That’s gotta be about 800-1000 calories, so a pretty big breakfast you could say. I couldn’t eat that much if I were starving and Tom said he’s lucky if he can eat 1 banana in a day cuz they make him so gassy. I could do the eggs, 1 or 2 pieces of toast, 1 banana and 1 juice, but that’s all in one sitting. Huge amount of food or not, I’m sure it was delicious and that’s all that matters, no matter how funny it may seem to me. :)

Sarah sent a brief thanks-for-the-gifts message. No “I really like them” or “they’re a nice color” or “they’ll go well with my new dress,” and nothing at all from Becky. Hope they’re not disappointed in them, but if they are they’re not going to say so. I don’t see why Tammy wouldn’t like the puppy I sent her, but does Becky not like her shell necklace or is she just ungrateful? Guess I’ll never know.

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day, she posted that “love stinks.” LOL, yeah, if I looked like her I’d probably say the same thing, poor kid.

Later…

Looked at Doctor C’s pics again and again I really liked what I saw. If someone showed me pics of her doing handstands on beaches in bikinis and parading around in sexy costumes at parties, then told me she’d be my doctor, I don’t know if I’d be more alarmed or intrigued, haha.

She’s a hottie for a light-eyed blondie. Almost in a model-ish sort of way. She’s the type that stays thin and lovely all through life. She rarely wears nail polish or even makeup, but she’s so beautiful naturally that she doesn’t need it.

Not so sure anymore that she’s dating that black guy. She seems to be a very happy, upbeat, outgoing social butterfly with friends from every different race and nationality on earth. She’s shown appearing to be just as chummy with other men and women, especially this small Asian chick. There was even a pic of them gazing lovingly at each other with the caption “girl love,” so I don’t know what to think. She’s definitely childless and isn’t married, though.

Anyway, she may have a drab mop on her head and dull eyes, but oh, that body, that height and that gorgeous smile! Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like not to be me. What if I was that tall, that beautiful, that normal?

The account doesn’t appear to have been updated since last August, so who knows if she got my message, or if Facebook even let it get to her in the first place.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2014 Down 4.2 pounds and it sure is nice to once again have a body that can burn calories! Was out running at 3am for a half hour and took a slightly different route. I ran down the front gate the way I usually do by sticking to the park’s perimeters, then before I actually reached the gate, I swung left and to the office. From there I took the route I use going to and from the pool back to the house. It’s a good route for in the middle of the night, but not in the daytime when there’s more traffic. Sticking to the outskirts means I only have two streets to cross and no driveways to pass in which people could be backing up into me. It must’ve rained while I slept because the roads were all wet. It made it easier to see, though, cuz the streetlights made them shiny.

My quad muscles weren’t quite healed so now I went and made them worse again by not taking a second day off from running, but oh well. I’m addicted to running and now that I can get the results one should get from dieting and exercise I’m even more motivated. So far I haven’t had to diet that hard. I don’t have to go to 1000 calories or lower like I used to. I can have 1200-1500, so it’s nice not to feel so damn hungry all the time. There was one day it got a little hard and I had to eat extra, but I still lost!

I see what the doctor meant by saying the pills won’t make me lose weight. They just make it possible to do so. If I sat on my ass and stuffed myself I wouldn’t lose anything.

Just like learning languages is like a fun game to me to see how many words I can learn, it will be a fun game of sorts to see how many pounds I can lose, though I know that the more I lose, the harder it will get.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2014 The “dream people” told me the night before last that Andy’s neighbor had a baby boy. He confirmed this to be correct when he got up, Jaime Jr. I knew she had a kid, just not what gender till I had the dream.

Now thinking the 4 “skinny” dreams I had were in regards to the discovery of my broken down thyroid and the pills that are now kicking in and giving me the results one SHOULD get from diet and exercise. I don’t remember all of them but in one dream I was in the tub, looked down at myself, and saw I was thin. I don’t want to just be thin, though, I want to be fit. :) Non-cardio days are strength-training days.

The medication has gone beyond helpful and into being close to a miracle. Funny too, cuz I always swore there was no “magic” pill. Well, this has been close enough. I slacked off on both diet and exercise before the trip, and of course the pills don’t kick in right away, then shot up to 152.8 pounds and now I’m down to 148.4. Ideally, I’d like to reach 110, but 120 is probably more realistic. Who knows, though? Maybe I’ll stop getting results at 140 and will be stuck there, though I’d rather that than the 150s.

Our savings is the lowest it’s been in over a year, which sucks big time. We’re not in danger of struggling but we do need to go easy on the spending. We’ll probably still get the dishwasher in a few weeks but will go slow on the rest of the home improvements. We’re IN the damn house and that’s most important than trying to get in one, shitty carpet or not, in the first place. Instead of doing all the carpets and floors in one day, we decided to see if we could get a cheaper place like RC Willey to remove all the carpet but only re-carpet the living room, dining room, and then down the hallway. That way we can move the beds, dressers and desks into the kitchen and bathroom. Then, as time and money permits, we will install new flooring ourselves in the kitchen, baths, bedrooms and laundry room. Cheap carpet is fine for what’s just two adults.

I feel bad for Andy and grateful that next door isn’t attached to us like his neighbor is who just had a baby. When he said he could hear the mother cooing to it, that pretty much told me how thin the walls are unless she coos unusually loud. Sure enough, he can hear the thing when it cries. I reminded him that in a few years, he could check into a retirement community, but he insists that’s his permanent home till he’s either dead or sent to a nursing home.

I was dumping our recyclables when Virginia walked by and asked me how I liked my Hawaiian vacation. She’s been there too, and also loved it. I thanked her for putting our trash out while we were gone. She said Bob thought to do so when he was out walking.

Then she said something like waiting for what was the most family she ever had visit, and I thought to myself, great, just great. Just what I need when my schedule’s where it’s at. But even though there were 5 or 6 vehicles there, I never heard a damn thing. I’d never have known they were there had I not looked out the window and seen all the cars. Tom said there were 3 cars there yesterday too, one with Washington plates, the others with in-state plates. I think she said something about a son in from Denver.

Had someone had all that company in the mainstream there would’ve been car stereos, horns honking, kids running up and down the driveway screaming, barking dogs, lots of shouts and laughter from the adults, music coming from the house, and God knows what else. I did, however, swear the vibration of a car door slamming shut woke me up for a few minutes at 8:30, but it could’ve been anything. It could’ve been someone going too fast over the speed bump in back or just a dream. I know I had a dream about being in a house that was laid out similar to the one we had in Phoenix. Tom was on the couch and I looked out the living room when I heard voices and saw a kid’s bike sitting in front of a car parked in their driveway.

I also had a dream my cousin Phillip owed Tom $300 for work he did for him and I was pissed cuz he wouldn’t pay up.

Later…

Andy and I were talking about how he’s just as obsessed with celebrities as I am with trying to get this damn weight off (which I now have a feeling is going to reset itself back to where it was no matter what I do or how properly I take the medication), and it’s true, we are kind of obsessed with these issues. I think everyone has something they’re hung up on.

“At least I’m talking about someone else,” he tells me, “and it’s not all me, me, me.”

Ah, but if I appear selfish it’s for a good reason, I assure you, and the answer’s very simple. I simply don’t feel it’s my place to publicly air out the lives of others unless they specifically tell me it’s ok to do so. Different people are more private than others and I try to use my best judgment as to what I say about each particular person I know. Celebrities are one thing because they’re public figures, and I told him this, but my friends and family are different.

If I don’t like you then I’m less likely to respect your privacy. That doesn’t mean I’ll divulge sensitive info or deliberately bash you with the intent of offending or embarrassing you, it just means I’m less likely to hold back on expressing my feelings and opinions where you’re concerned.

Meanwhile, if someone tells me a secret I feel obligated to keep that secret both on and offline. So in case any of you are wondering why I don’t always discuss others, now you know.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2014 Slept less than 8 hours and was exhausted when the alarm went off. Not liking the idea of having to play alarm for 13 more days to get through this next batch of appointments, so I’m thinking I’ll let myself catch up tomorrow, then hold my schedule at whatever time I get up for the next few days. That way it won’t jump so much so fast.

Dropped another two-tenths and got up at 148.2 pounds which would’ve been about 147.8 had I slept as long as I needed to.

Today’s my ultrasound. They wanted to do it yesterday evening at 7:15, but that was too late for both of us. No bad dreams suggesting any suspicious growths, but I did have a weird dream where I looked in the mirror and saw a different face. Instead of a full face with green eyes and brown waves, I had an absolutely humungous face with little sunken round black eyes and black spiral curls.

Anyway, I’m hoping to find the energy to run a bit today, but will probably just end up lazing around. Vacuumed the whole house yesterday and didn’t have to lift a finger. The slave did the back of the house, charged up at the charging station, then did the front.

Some older guy shot up an SUV of black teens blasting music. It’s about fucking time, regardless of the SUV’s occupant’s age/color! Maybe now they’ll start considering making it illegal or at least make some of these assholes think before forcing such maddening chaos on others. Mr. Dunn is my hero and I’m sorry he has to spend 20-60 years in prison. He doesn’t deserve that. Blasting those fuckers isn’t much different than literally getting in one’s face while screaming at the top of your lungs. Get in someone’s face unnecessarily and without provocation and some people just might react. Really, I still cannot understand how some people can treat others as they do and then get all offended when the person finally reacts. I still don’t feel a shred of guilt for the words I wrote on paper no matter what any laws say and I never will. The sickos were as crazy as they were rude if they expected me/Tom/us/others not to react, and I think they’ll never know how lucky they were that it was just words on paper cuz I’m sure most would’ve taken it a step further than that after so many years of unasked-for abuse. In fact, I’m sorry I didn’t do more. As fucked as the laws are it probably would’ve gotten me less time than my offensive but harmless reaction got me.

Later…

Ran 1.5 miles at a little over 3 MPH in 22 minutes. Really wish others who are out walking or running at the same time would just ignore me as we pass each other. I’m deaf in one ear and the other has an earbud blaring in it! Let me guess, though, I’m a snob for not always stopping to chat, right? And if I did stop, I’d be nosy, right?

Yeah, as I’ve learned, we’re never universally accepted. Someone’s always got a problem with us no matter what we do. There’s this song – I forget what it’s called or who it’s by – that says, “If you don’t lose weight, you’re just fat. If you do, you’re on crack. So you might as well do what you want.”

If I talk about myself, I’m selfish. If I talk about others, I’m a gossiper. People get on me to be more sociable, but what if I was? If I were a regular little social butterfly how many people would be quick to tell me, “You really oughta spend more time alone and not depend on others so much for fun and entertainment.”

I am amazed people aren’t quick to critique me for running. LOL, why not? They pick on everything else? So if sitting around means I’m lazy, does working out mean I’m running from demons or something?

If I don’t ask about someone, then I don’t care. If I do ask, then hey, it’s none of my business!

At 5:30 I felt a little more awake after food and a shower, but I’m still pretty tired and it’s only 10am. My appointment isn’t for 5 hours. :( The good thing is that I can stop this anytime. Anytime I get sick of all the appointments and whatnot, I can put my foot down and say, “No more!” It’s wonderful knowing that no evil mother, institution or law enforcement is making me do this. I wasn’t kidding when I finally took back my life in 2003 and promised myself I’d never again be treated like a child and slave to any person or system.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2014 So Kathy sent Alison a message on Facebook accusing her of harassing her and Kim from “Rina Tina’s” account, which she promptly blocked without answering. I’d have done the same. As she said, she wouldn’t dignify her accusations with a defense. I guess Kathy also thinks one of us wanted to friend her from a fake account, but as she also said, cruel sounding or not, she’s a stay-at-home mom who no doubt spends all day updating every single trick her fat brat has learned and posting tons of “cutsie” pics. She’s not interested in that any more than I am.

Everywhere I go people’s kids are practically shoved down my throat with their unrestrained antics. Do I need to deal with this shit at home and in cyberspace, no thanks! So if she had to dump me, she picked a great time to do it.

As I told Aly, though, I refuse to mention her, Kim or Molly in my blog. They simply don’t exist for me anymore and that’s the way I’m going to keep it whether or not I exist for them.

It’s hard to say if I do or not. There have been no Austin or Brownwood visitors, which would mean Molly or Kathy were nosing in it, but Kim likes to hide, so I can’t say if she’s following me. I had my first Ask account wide open for a week, but nothing came in, so if Kim wasn’t interested in me there, it’s hard to believe she’d be interested in my tweets and blogs. Depends on how paranoid and delusional she truly is.

Later…

Got lost on the way to the medical plaza, but got there in time for my ultrasound once we finally found the Diagnostic Imaging section. I guess in a day or two I can access my results online, which will hopefully not include anything suspicious.

Last night I had disturbing dreams, slept later than I wanted to, and then I woke up to find I hadn’t lost any more weight.

It was one of those old “find enough money for another night in the hotel or go homeless” dreams, only this was a nice hotel with lots of water around it. Hawaii? Florida? Wherever it was, I hated that feeling of utter helplessness I had as Tom and I scurried around the grounds trying to figure out what to do.

At one point during the dream, I was in the room when the housekeeper knocked on the door. We brought our Robo vac of all things and I told her to hang on a moment while I stopped and hid the thing. When I opened the door, she goes, “What are you, high?”

Not bothering to hide how offended I was, I said, “No, I’m crying.”

Then I thought of calling my dad who was still alive and still at the number we had when I was a kid.

I was up forever yesterday and knew I had to catch up and that another day of fewer than 8 hours of sleep would really make me feel all yucky and useless. So I slept 2 ½ hours later than I’d have liked to, but will make myself get up earlier tomorrow no matter what. Yeah, this time around it seems much harder to control my schedule, but I don’t have enough time to flip it either. So in order to avoid getting too run down, I’ll catch up every other day which will be the days I’ll work out.

Later…

Wondering if C’s ignoring the message I sent him yesterday saying hi. Haven’t communicated since August and sometimes I wonder why. Because I haven’t donated lately? Something I said?

I wish Andy weren’t home so damn much. He only works something like 20 hours a week and is almost always online. Can’t he go out more to exercise and lose the weight he wants to lose instead of staying home complaining he’s 235 pounds and how hard it is to tie his shoes and wipe his ass? I know I don’t have to respond the instant he checks in on Ask, but still, if he must be home so often, I wish he’d be busy with other things more often than he is. If I ignore him for too long I start to feel guilty.

Later…

After today we’re going to be in the low 70s for several days. I still miss Maui. I’d rather the drought from hell than snow, but at least some patches of green are now visible here and there. The cherry and apple trees began blooming a week or two ago and are so beautiful. Mid-February through April is the prettiest time here. It doesn’t compare to the beauty of Maui or most other tropical locations, but it’s the most colorful time for NorCal even though we have flowers year-round here. The only problem with the cherry and apple trees is that they’re so ugly in the summertime. They turn a deep plum/maroon color that’s dull as hell.

Ran down a street I never ran through when running and found the road a bit beat up and the houses there to be more cramped and dumpier. I guess the older section is close to the office, which makes sense. They probably set up homes starting in that area before expanding outward. Clearly, those were homes built in the 70s. I still can’t believe we’re in an 80s home, though most of the ones around us are 90s and newer. Anyway, I made the run in the same 22 minutes I made it yesterday. I really should stay out longer for around 30 minutes. It’s just that I like the idea of passing the same houses only once where each step I take is truly unique. Doubling back adds time to the run, but I don’t get to see something new with every step I take.

Yesterday’s stop at Raley’s after the ultrasound was a waste of time and money. I got a high-cholesterol meal I forgot I shouldn’t be having (bacon-wrapped scallops) and that was rather high in calories, too. I also got some wine coolers thinking they’d help relax me enough to fall asleep faster, but they’re not helping much anymore. Maybe I’ve built up a tolerance for them and all they’ll bring me from now on is extra calories I don’t need.

I see a lot of people are disturbed about a spanking bill that’s been passed. I can understand their problem with it, and violence never solves problems, be it a little slap or a hard punch and kick, but something’s gotta be done. Something. Kids today are simply way out of control. If the parents aren’t going to teach them manners, respect, consideration and discipline, then it must fall upon the teachers to do so. Children are tomorrow’s future. Do we really want a bunch of unruly, selfish animals running the world at some point?

I can’t even go to the store without some kid screaming in my ear. Even in the waiting room of the medical center, a toddler was running up and down the hallways. An adult was with it, but still, that’s not the place to exercise your brat.

Later…

Nane told me she had big-time personal problems, was a little burned out, was drinking wine, and going to sleep early. That’s all she said. She didn’t give me any details. Is it money problems? Health problems? Askim problems? I’m guessing money or health. Maybe it’s connected to her job, but if it is, that could also be connected to money if she’s on the verge of being let go. Maybe she’ll tell me what’s going on some time.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2014 Went into panic mode last night when I was still awake after being up for 20 hours. For some reason, I thought my appointments were the week after next, though one of them is. Next week is eye, teeth and toe and then next week it’s ear. The ear is iffy, but I’m bound and determined to make the other 3 no matter how much I am not looking forward to them. I still think my eye pressure will be down and my thyroid won’t have any funny growths if she can ever get around to posting my ultrasound results online, but I’m still nervous.

A part of me wanted to drop dead last night for the first time since 2011 when it looked like we’d lose it all. The thought of battling this type of sleep disorder for another 30 years or so and knowing there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it is truly overwhelming and depressing at times. Tom said to quit trying so hard and stop taking things to help me sleep. Might as well. They’re not doing me any good anymore anyway. Not the Benadryl, not the Melatonin, not the wine. What am I going to do when I get old, though, (if I live that long) and have to see doctors every week like most old folks do? How the hell am I going to handle that???

I hate the devil and God above and whatever the hell else may’ve cursed me with this debilitating issue that is more than I can handle at times. Please tell me I did something really horrible in a past life – I mean REALLY horrible – to deserve this shit! Meanwhile, I will not let Him/they/it/whatever win. I WILL get to at least the 3 appointments scheduled for next week, even though I’m sure that after getting up at 7:30 I’ll be up till 3am - 4am. Really I’m not even going to try to get to bed at a decent hour. It’s just that my schedule’s jumped nearly 8 fucking hours in just 2 days. That’s way fast for me. I can’t afford to keep going that fast because the appointments aren’t till the 25th, 26th and 28th.

I was almost ready to cancel all the appointments and even stop taking my meds. Why take cholesterol medication when I can just watch what I eat? Also, my thyroid condition isn’t life-threatening. Worst case scenario I just stop losing weight. I’ll probably naturally gain back the 4 pounds I lost anyway, even if I keep dieting and exercising. For me, it’s more a matter of how much I eat and not what I eat. I’m more likely to lose weight if I have 4 candy bars in a day than 2000 calories of fresh fish. Either way, without thyroid medication I can at least stay the same weight so long as I run. I will make a decision later on. Right now I have enough on my plate just getting to my appointments. Thank you, God, for making such simple everyday shit so damn hard for me and even downright impossible at times.

Later…

Thanks to Fuckbook now posting news headlines on newsfeeds, I get to see all the sorry shit going on in this world. Arizona passed a bill allowing the legal discrimination of gays. Only Arizona could do something that sick, but they sure love you if you’re black. Blacks, Mexicans, Indians and Asians are perfectly welcomed and favored there, but you’re fucked if you’re gay, Jewish or just plain white. You’re fucked even more if you’re dealing with non-white opponents in the courts, and yes, I’m speaking from firsthand experience and not just what I’ve heard others go through. See why I’ve come to hate that state so much, though? Really, I can’t believe I lived there for 12 years and 2 days. The thought of just placing a single toe into that state makes me pretty sick to my stomach.

Maybe God really does hate gays, though I honestly found it hard to believe that any God could hate any particular group as a whole. Why allow them to exist if He did? I don’t doubt for a millisecond, though, that He can hate individuals; I just don’t know why. Maybe if there is an afterlife He can tell me why he’s had it in for me for so much of my life… abused by my mother, then by the system, then thrown into poverty, and hopefully now He’s not gearing up to make me a medical whore. Still, God is like people.

People: If you don’t adore blacks you’re a real shit, but if you hate gays you’re so damn cool.

God: I’ll kill the innocent child with cancer or let mommy kill it in a fit of rage, but I’ll let the cold-blooded murderer walk and maybe even win the lottery.

Later…

Let’s see, aside from Arizona allowing people to use God/religion as an excuse to be legal bigots, I’m still in a foul and worrisome mood. Just got a lot more going on than I’ve had in a while and it’s not about fun submarine rides, warm beaches or a pleasant day here in the park. It’s I can’t sleep and I wanna stop having so many damn doctor’s appointments! I read that apples give you the same energy caffeine does, so I had an apples-and-cream fruit cup upon waking up and it did seem to perk me up a bit. I’m still tired for the most part, though, but just like always I’m sure I’ll wake right up come evening time. I’ll be up till around 2am - 3am and need to be up by 8am. So another night of fewer than 8 hours of sleep for me. Want me to be a little street bum instead, God?

I got up at 4am, exhausted as hell with barely 4 hours of sleep, which is like 4 minutes to me, and Tom was filling the humidifier’s water tanks. That’s when I looked up and saw a wasp inside the panels of the kitchen’s drop-down ceiling. Must’ve come in through the stove vent. There was a dead one there when Tom cleaned that vent. sighs Sometimes I wish I could stand to live in an apartment or condo toward the top of a high-rise. Fewer bugs, less traffic noise if we were high enough, no yard work… But the yard work helps Tom keep active since he doesn’t run like I do, so he doesn’t mind too much.

When Tom pointed out that I could easily make next week’s appointments if I start with getting up at 8am and slowly inching forward, I went back to bed till 7:30. I was surprised to beat the alarm by even the half-hour I beat it by, but like I said, I’m sure tonight will be worse and tomorrow even harder. It’s after 11pm now and I’m dragging in a fog. By 6pm - 7pm I’ll spring to life and be wide awake. I know myself.

Despite how out of it and frustrated I feel, I was glad to learn that Eileen did get my postcard from Hawaii after all, and I also got a letter from my Italian dad. He’s got high blood pressure and his kidneys aren’t doing too well, but is otherwise keeping busy with the business. He says that’s what keeps him from moving to a nicer climate.

Hearing him mention the “young” 41-year-old who’s been helping him out put a smile on my face. He said he’d marry her if she wasn’t so young and that for him they’re either too young or too old, LOL.

He said he’d never have the guts to go in a submarine. Yeah, I suppose there is some risk to that. If the thing had flooded at 130 feet down, well… But it probably wouldn’t have been instantaneous and we probably could’ve swum to the top. Still, I’m glad it didn’t and that we didn’t have to find out for sure if we could make it or not.

Heard from C, after all. He said he’s not on Facebook much. He’s smart and I don’t blame him.

sighs I want to go lie down for a bit and rest, but am afraid I may fall asleep. Ain’t life grand? I gotta worry about falling asleep when I DON’T want to, and struggle to fall asleep when I DO want to. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Not kill myself or anything like that, but simply cease to exist.

What other stupid shit are people up to in the news these days? Oh yeah, an artist smashed a million-dollar vase in Miami in protest of it showing off only international artists. What a dumb-ass thing to do. Really, why spend years in prison and pay a shitload of money in fines when you can simply not bother with that museum and find one that will showcase your artwork? Then again, keeping in mind how twisted the laws are, maybe nothing much will happen to him. You know how it is… steal thousands of dollars, beat someone up, and you’ll get shit for it. Write down that your personal opinion of someone who’s not gay, though, and you’re screwed.

Later…

Now I have one more reason to be upset; I lost my wedding band. Funny cuz the woman who last lived here lost hers, too. What, does this house have something against married women? I only take it off when putting lotion on my feet, so it’s got to be either by this desk or by the bed. It can’t fall off cuz I’m too fat for it to do so, which is one of the reasons I don’t mind staying big.

If it was on the desk and fell off, the rats might’ve gotten it. The problem with rats is that they’re kleptos and they would have hidden it somewhere. I checked all the places they could hide it in… around the bed, around the desk, then said to myself, “Stop. Just stop. This is stupid. You know you never find things when you’re looking for them.”

So, I’ll stumble upon it when I least expect it. Like I said, it’s got to be here somewhere. At the same time, I fear I’ll never find it. If I had to guess, though, I probably will find it by accident someday.

Both my long and short-term memories are going to hell so badly that I can’t remember the last time I had it on, but I know it was a day or two ago, three at the most.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2014 No thyroid surgery needed! Whew! But there were a couple of funny nodules on the left thyroid (though nothing to suggest an underlying malignancy at this time) that would explain why I got a “flash” of a bad vibe as she was rubbing the image scanner over that side of my neck. The negative vibe was gone almost as fast as it came. I mentioned it to Tom on our way out but wasn’t worried. Especially since I wasn’t having nightmares. Nightmares are my number one warning of trouble ahead.

Instead, I slept fantastically last night and had mostly weird dreams. Me talking to an imaginary friend in front of Tom, knowing he’d think I’d gone crazy. My dead dad wanting to buy me a parcel of land.

Anyway, I still have to take the medication, as Tom said, because I definitely will develop thyroid cancer in the future if I don’t. Without the medication the thyroid struggles harder to produce hormones it can no longer produce on its own. It would take years, but it would eventually sprout cancerous growths.

Significant weight loss is looking less likely but that’s okay. I’m big enough to keep perverts and other trouble away, but not so big I can’t bend over or anything like that.

Despite being glad to see the experts tell me everything’s fine even though my intuitive/psychic side said not to worry, I wish I could stop worrying as much as I do. I guess it’s just in my nature, though. I used to dwell on the past too much. Now I worry about the future too much. I think if I had to choose, it was better being stuck in the past because the past can never change or become any worse than it was no matter how much it may’ve been bad enough. But with the future… anything goes.

Later…

Andy and I got into it early (though we kissed and made up, LOL) about stupid shit we both misread. You know how it’s easy to read things into something online that isn’t even there. He thought I wasn’t buying his ability to pay his bills when I asked about his schedule, which has been different lately than I last knew it to be. If anything I thought business was booming so much that he had to cut back, not that he’d lost accounts. I believe what he tells me. If he told me that he could make himself invisible, jump 50 feet in the air, and run 100 MPH, then I’d have trouble believing him. Otherwise, there’s no reason for me to think anything he told me wasn’t true.

Then I got pissed cuz for the thousandth time he said I’d be working if I didn’t have Tom, sleep disorder or not. And for the thousandth time, I told him I would still be on disability and that I was terminated because I got married. I know what they told me. I was there. And I’m just telling him what they told me. It’s fucked up and totally unfair, but that’s the way the system is. Even more unfair is that I can’t get the benefits reinstated no matter how many doctors diagnose me because I didn’t work enough years to “qualify” between 1994 and now. How many times do I have to explain this to him? I asked myself in exasperation, but then I felt bad for accusing him of trying to irritate me in ways that he was in fact not.

So neither of us is perfect and we both make mistakes at times. I appreciate his being glad I forgave him and that he never wants to offend or lose me. I feel the same way. :) He’s like family to me, annoying at times or not. But hey, we all get annoying sometimes, even me.

Do I think I could’ve made it on my own had they cut me off for some other twisted reason if I hadn’t met and married Tom? Honestly? Knowing my body, no, I don’t think I could make it no matter what was at stake. I can go without sleep here and there but not every single day of my life. I’m glad I’ll never have to find out, though, and if I’m right, then maybe God really doesn’t give us more than we can handle. If this is true, then maybe part of why He blessed me with Tom was to save my ass cuz maybe they would’ve cut me for some other fucked up reason. They damn near killed us both by cutting his unemployment too soon in 2011, so why not? We’ll never know for sure and that’s ok with me! I’m just grateful that I have a husband that loves me enough to take care of me in ways that I can’t since the government will never give a shit about me any more than they do most folks.

First chance I get to sue them silly (if the laws ever change) and to get my benefits reinstated, I’m going for it! I don’t expect this to happen, but I’d fight for my benefits if I could. They’d probably only be 1 or 2 hundred bucks a month but that’s not the point. The point is that anyone who can’t work should be given disability checks regardless of marital status, age, race, color, sexuality, etc.

Do I still blame God just as much as those who have abused me? I do. We’d blame any friend or family member who didn’t come to our defense if someone was trying to harm us. Well, he not only didn’t come to my defense where my mother was concerned, but he also saw to it that she led a pretty decent life up until her final year or so. IDK, sometimes I’m not sure what to think or believe. I guess it depends on my mood and the situation at hand. It’s always easier to see the good in life when you’re in a good mood and things are going well. But when you’re in a shitty mood and everything’s going wrong, you tend to see nothing but evil.

Good mood, bad mood… I still can’t believe how evil and twisted Arizona is. A bill to allow the discrimination of ANY group is truly barbaric, wrong, insane and so dark ages. What’s scary is that this opens the door for more insanity. Really, what’s next? A bill that allows you to murder gays, Jews or whites because of your own personal warped religious beliefs? What is this world coming to? We favor blacks, we hate gays, and then we consider most everyone else “in the middle?” Texas used to be my most hated state, but Arizona sure changed that 14 years ago and then some more with their “Let’s Pick on Gays” bill. Even if I’d never ever been attracted to another woman in my life, I would still feel as disgusted and appalled by it as I do. I judge others based on their behavior and not their color or sexual preference, and I’m not going to apologize for how I feel, for to do so would be apologizing for being real.

Life would be close to perfect at least for me if I could just find my damn wedding band! I had just gotten into bed last night when I was hit with an image of the Robo vac sucking it up, but a search of the trash, which was where I emptied it out, turned up nothing. Nada. Niente. Nichts. :( It’s probably behind the bed unless the rats are hiding it.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2014 I was taking a shower, reached for my bath gloves, and next thing I know I’m wearing my wedding band again! It had come off when I last pulled the glove off. I’ve got to be more careful now that I’ve begun losing weight.

Had no trouble getting up when I wanted to today, even though I thought I would, and I haven’t had any bad dreams.

Don’t know if I’ll make my ear appointment, but my eyes, teeth and toe will be no problem.

Wish I had more to say but there’s really nothing else going on. I’m a little worried about Nane, though, but hopefully I’ll hear from her soon.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2014 It’s a good thing I woke up on my own at 6:30 because I forgot to set the alarm. Where keeping a schedule was getting tough and my hours were jumping ahead way too fast, now it’s slowed down and gotten easier. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve been trying an experiment Tom suggested. No lying down during the daytime. I would sometimes veg out for 5-10 minutes once or twice throughout the day in between tasks just to sort my thoughts or whatever, but now I must stay out of bed until at least 8 hours before I want to get up. Then I must stay in bed after that. No getting up to check my blog visitor list or email or anything like that. I can read, but I gotta stay in bed. This is to help keep me rested for the 4 appointments I will have over the next 8 days.

Got a message from Tammy after not hearing much from her and suspecting something was up. Sure enough, there is good news and bad news. The bad is that now she needs shoulder surgery. It’s arthritis-related, apparently.

She was telling me she had to take thyroid medication once (something other than what I’m taking), but only for 4 or 5 years. As I told her, though, the doctor told me I’d probably have to take my levothyroxine for the rest of my life. If I don’t my thyroid might eventually turn cancerous. I’ll probably always need the Simvastatin too, especially since I’m at a greater risk for heart disease.

I’ll probably always be big, but since starting the medication I’ve had fewer bouts of fatigue and it’s amazing how much better my ear is, too. The ear isn’t connected to the thyroid, though. The problem all along since leaving Arizona (not that I miss that shit state that loves you if you’re black, Indian, Asian and whatnot, but hates you if you’re gay, Jewish and sometimes just cuz you’re white) was the elevation in Oregon and the extreme dryness here. We’re on for rain again next week. Of course we are now that we’re smart enough to get a humidifier!

This area may be too dry and too cold in the winter, but it’s an ideal climate for runners. No extreme cold to have to deal with or snow and ice to have to dodge.

Anyway, where I’m excited for Tammy is that she and Mark have decided there’s nothing for them in Connecticut and are putting their house on the market in May or June and heading for Florida. She said it’ll be way smaller than they’re used to, but at least there they can do something any day of the year and will have lots of water all around them. They’re going to Stewart, I guess. Mark’s also been dealing with some serious shit at work, but hopefully their remodeling business will do well there. A 2600-square-foot house on a couple of acres is too much for them with all their medical problems.

She thinks the rats are hilarious. I’ve changed many people’s outlook on rats and will probably do so all my life. It’s pretty cool when one of the people who will never see rats the same again is your sister. Wild rats can carry diseases, yes, and they can be destructive little devils, but for the most part, they’re like gay people - picked on, shit on, misunderstood and ousted for no reason other than cuz they are who they are.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2014 Nane picked up my message on Facebook, so she’s at least alive and probably at work.

Getting up this morning was a real bitch after 7 hours of sleep. I wanted to get up at 6am, but was so exhausted I hit the snooze button twice. Finally, I just bumped the alarm up to 7am and got up 15 minutes later. Really hope I can crash earlier tonight to catch up! The 4th, when this latest batch of appointments will be over, can’t come fast enough. It isn’t just the stress of trying to sleep and get up at certain times I need a break from, but just the appointments themselves. The eye and ear appointments should be easy enough, but I hate getting drilled and filled by dentists, and of course the toe surgery’s got me nervous.

Tom reminded me that we need much less sleep when we’re in our 60s and 70s. Yeah, but I’m only 48, so this isn’t much consolation to me now, LOL.

Anyway, I’m sitting here with a touch-up dye job and the timer set. Once it dings I’ll hit the shower and get on with my day, cleaning, working out, working online, etc.

It’s to be in the low 70s today and tomorrow but then drop into the 60s and rain Wednesday through Friday.

Later…

Unfriended all 3 of Norma’s daughters on Facebook. Sorry, but they were just too Shelley-like, making you feel like they care and promising to keep in touch, but then acting like you’re total strangers. They’re relatives but not family. I don’t want to be just another name on one’s friend list. Other sites don’t matter but Facebook is different. That’s the one place I expect you to be for real. It irritates the hell out of me when people create accounts under bogus names. I can understand when some need to do so to avoid stalkers, but when you do it for other reasons it makes me wonder if you’re hiding something.

Funny how Andy’s not a relative but is family while Sharyn, Deb and Michelle are cousins but not family. The original plan was to wait till Norma died so as not to hurt her feelings when and if she notices I let her kids go, but not only is Norma bound to live forever at the rate she’s going, but I have a right to live my life, too. Sometimes we really have to do what’s best for us and not worry how others will take it. She saw the “warning” I posted just for her and her daughters’ viewing saying I was considering deleting those I don’t hear from anyway, and she “liked” it. I think they just felt bad for me when I lost my parents and bad for what they put me through, then remembered that they didn’t necessarily care for “crazy” Jodi. No hard feelings, though.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2014 Wow, I didn’t know Andy was once friends with Norma’s daughters as well. But he too, unfriended them for ignoring him. I could be way off base here, but I suspect they want people “within their league,” and that unless you’re a professional that makes good money, especially if you do anything they do, you’re considered less superior to them. At least that’s the impression I get. In other words failed author who works at home isn’t good enough for a therapist, a professor, or one who works for an attorney. So what if she’s accomplished enough, even as a “1950’s” homemaker that no husband other than Tom would stand for today?

Nane emailed me and said that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and that she’s getting stronger. She never said what happened, though. The curiosity is a killer! Is she not telling me because it’s hard to talk about? Because she doesn’t trust me? Or because she gets off on leaving me wondering?

My nieces are in Florida now for a week with their beloved father. Let me guess, I will have to be insulted by pictures of the bastard, right? I know it’s nothing intentional on their part, but still… I hate having to see it or hear about the prick. I will unfollow them if it gets too much. It’s not the same as unfriending them. These two post the same old shit over and over and it really gets old. On top of that, they share practically everything the other one posts.

Later…

Created a Dreams journal on a site that allows for multiple journals. As in the kind of dreams I don’t have when I’m awake. As I was going through old journals I found that the number of dream premonitions, many of which I’d forgotten, is both shocking and creepy. I also couldn’t help but think, how did I miss this? You mean it really took till something like 2007 to realize I’m a dream premonitioner? But hey, that’s part of what a journal is for; so you can look back and see what you may not fully remember.

It’s been quieter today. Yesterday a truck was parked across the street moving furniture in and out and the bumps and bangs reminded me of attached living. But after an hour it left and I could feel like I was in the unattached house that I live in once again. I don’t miss having to deal with that and having to know it every time a neighbor in the duplex or apartments I once lived in long ago would shut a door, push back a chair, or close a cabinet. Forget about their music, TVs, voices, footsteps and other shit.

Our tentative plan in a couple of months from now is to have all the carpet ripped out of here and to just carpet the living and dining room with what may be pink or lavender since we won’t be doing the whole house. Then we will tear up these floors ourselves and install laminate flooring in something like a white pine. This will go better with things and I hate dark colors anyway. Maplewood, cherry wood, mahogany… yuck. I want something closer to white than brown.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2014 Starting to think Nane broke up with Askim. Why else wouldn’t she tell me what’s going on? She’s told me before when she’d overspend like crazy and was hard up for money, and she’s told me when she’s been ill.

Where the sun was shining brightly yesterday and the day before, today it’s all cloudy and wet.

Saw the eye Doc yesterday, and sure enough, the eye pressure is still up. They don’t like to see anything over 20 and since I’m still around 24 and 26 the doc recommended a specialist in Citrus Heights. The good news is that my optic nerve looked fine and I haven’t lost any field vision. My close-up vision hasn’t changed much over the last year, so I’m not going to renew my reading glasses. I’m more farsighted, though, so I have to get my bifocals changed out, which means I’ll be half-blind for a week and a half since I can’t see far away.

Last year he didn’t recommend treatment because it was the first anyone’s seen or heard of me having elevated pressure. But now the doc is ready to officially list me as having OH but can’t determine why or what to do about it, so I’ll be seeing an ophthalmologist soon enough. It may or may not be the beginnings of glaucoma, but worst-case scenario, all I’ll need are eye drops. As the doctor himself said, “If a drop in each eye before bed is all you need to keep from going blind, why not?”

I agree. But I’m also sick of having one thing lead to another. I was healthy for years with little more than allergies, cavities and ear troubles. Now I’ve got a bum thyroid, high cholesterol and possible glaucoma.

Later…

My 5 cavities – yes 5 – have been filled. Andy’s reaction to the number of cavities cracked me up. So glad it’s over, though! I thought I’d be there for a little over an hour, but instead, it took 2½ hours. A woman named Holly whom I never met before did the x-raying and cleaning. She was very talkative and friendly. She advised me to add regular floss to my waterpick routine cuz the waterpick gets around the gum area well enough, but not the contact area where the teeth touch each other. It’s just so hard to floss. My mouth is so small and I have a permanent retainer on the bottom. I think I may eventually have that removed, which they also recommended, so I don’t build up tartar in that area so easily. These days they can make an invisible retainer that I can leave in overnight. On the other hand, I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I used to be when I was younger. So what if my teeth shift and end up crooked? It’s the damn cavities I’m sick of getting.

Since brushing and water picking alone aren’t doing the trick with my overly soft enamel, the cleaning lady recommended prescription-strength toothpaste that costs $20, but lasts 6 or 7 months. It’s got much more fluoride in it than regular toothpaste and is a better guard against cavities. You only use a pea-sized amount before bed and you spit the excess out but don’t rinse it like regular toothpaste.

The fillings are $80 apiece but worth it cuz she uses a special porcelain material that lasts longer than regular fillings. They’re the color of my teeth too, and not silver.

After I was cleaned up I was moved to another spot where Shannon and the doctor began their numbing, drilling and filling routine, which seemed to take forever. Shannon mentioned visiting me some time so she can check out the rats, which they asked about. Did I tell them about the rats? Or did they overhear me telling Holly about them when she asked if I had pets? If they didn’t, maybe they visit my blog more than I realize. If someone’s got cookies disabled or goes through a proxy, I’m not going to know they’re there.

What was amazing was that Holly recognized my name from being featured in a magazine a few years ago. I was hired by mturk.com to do an article for Newsweek. Personally, I don’t even remember what it was about. They wanted me to rewrite something for them without paraphrasing. I worked for, and still do, different people who need articles created, edited or re-written altogether for magazines, websites or whatever.

Anyway, she doesn’t have a Kindle yet but I told her I was an Amazon author and all that and she said she’d look me up, and my blog, which can be linked to from Facebook, as I also told her.

Janet, the receptionist, loved my haircut. The others didn’t say anything about it, but she said it was adorable. Sure looks better straightened, too.

We noticed the doctor had a throw rug over white pine wood floors in the waiting room, and Tom said that this was what I thought I would prefer when we do laminate flooring at home since he knows I don’t like most darker colors. We both laughed when I told him Andy said, “White pine? Where’s the puke button?” Something about his blunt honesty cracks me up. We all agree these floors are HIDEOUS. I can’t wait to replace the damn thing. We could save a lot of money by installing linoleum tiles that you can cut with scissors, but we’d be lucky to have them last 5 years. Better to spend more money for better quality as with the dentist. I’m sure this latest round cost us around $400, and that we’ll hit the max deductible, but on the bright side, we get a tax break.

The doctor asked if I wanted to break it up into two appointments or do it all at once, and I opted to get it all over with at once. She agreed that’s what she thought would be best.

She said to let me know if I felt my bite was off once the numbness wore off and they’d get me in right away to adjust it, but it feels fine to me. Just a bit of gum and jaw soreness, which I took ibuprofen for. My gums bled a bit as my teeth were being scraped.

The name of the place is Waikiki Dental cuz the doc loves Hawaii as much as I do. We won’t be going first class, and we’ll get a $100 room instead of a $400 room, but we WILL be back in Maui someday! Before this year I’d have said I like to vacation in a different spot each time we vacation, which isn’t often, for variety. Not anymore. Yes, I love you, Maui! I’ll get back to you again someday even though we’re finally getting some real rain here.

Yeah, it’s almost like old times and I can actually see green out there, and not just a few scattered patches of it. It was so nice being able to get out of the car, step into the carport, and then into the house and onto a mat we only step on when coming and going. In the trailer, we had to walk through muddy gravel, then step onto a towel I had to remove as soon as we got our shoes off, cuz it, like with all other open areas there, was a high-traffic area and I didn’t want to get my socks wet. If there wasn’t an object present in a particular spot, then it was because we needed to walk through it. It wasn’t like this place that has some open areas and corners we rarely walk through. In the trailer, if it was there it was because we had no other place to put it.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2014 The red rosebushes are in bloom on the front side and they’re really beautiful to see along with the pink camellias.

Really wish the people across the street would finish whatever project it is that they’ve got going. The car doors, hammering and sawing are annoying at times.

Why is it that other than Nane and I, people seem to be on Facebook just as much when they’re on vacation as when they’re not? I can see checking in to let people know you’re okay and having a good time, but shouldn’t vacations be for doing things you don’t normally do in your everyday life?

Was glad the Arizona governor did the right thing by vetoing the anti-gay bill that passed, but I’d still never want to step foot in that state ever again and I never will. It’s no place for whites, gays or Jews.

If Google Analytics weren’t set up in such a complicated manner, I’d have known a lot sooner that I haven’t had any local visitors after all. If I have, they aren’t showing up. All those other browsers were actually showing every visitor within that time frame and not just local ones like I once thought. This would explain why TIP never saw them.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2014 Nane asked me why I complain so much even though my life is so much better now, just like some others have asked me, and I told her that’s just how I am. She understood. At least I think she did. What I bitch about, though, doesn’t take away from the good. I still appreciate the hell out of the good times, trust me!

I was also right about her and Askim. They had a big argument and almost broke up. I would be surprised if they weren’t together forever, even though Nane can be a bitch at times.

Speaking of nagging… the people across the street are still working on whatever it is they’ve been working on. They’re not “noisy,” but they’re annoying and a bit distracting when I’m trying to focus on things. They just took off for lunch, but I’m sure they’ll be back.

This rain continues to amaze me. It’s like old times. I’m sure Jesse’s run down to the trailer to ask whoever’s in there now if the roof is leaking, even though all they have to do is call him if it is. It’s just after 12:30 in the afternoon yet it looks early morning out there.

Tom tightened the platform on my treadmill, though I’m too busy to run today. Plus I’ve got to have my toe done later on. Right now I’m doing laundry and am about to have lunch. Then I may straighten my hair. Maybe not, though. The rain will just curl it back up.

They gave Tom a nice shirt at work and a cell phone case, too. There are also hints of him replacing a guy who moved to another department which would mean a lot more money. He’s afraid to jinx it by getting into it much, and I don’t even want to think about the unfuckingbelievable shitload of money this could bring in case it’s a tease. He doesn’t know for sure what the guy was making, but it’s got to be at least bordering on insanity. We’ll know in about a month.

Later…

The surgery went over without a hitch. Whew! I’m so relieved the week of appointments is finally over. While I had to wait forever for her, the procedure went quickly and without as much pain as anticipated. As I was in the regular exam room, after listening to the ear-piercing screams of this little boy in the waiting room whose father did nothing to stop it, I heard the doctor step out into the hall and say, “The needle has to be long.”

Well, she can’t be talking about me, I thought to myself. Why would you need a long needle to numb a toe, right? Wrong. After she came and brought me to another room with a different kind of chair, she asked me if I wanted to lay back if I thought I was the type to pass out at the sight of what she was going to do, and I said I’d be fine sitting up. Besides, anything beyond a few feet in front of me is blurry without my glasses. But I could still see enough to know why she needed a long needle. Instead of sticking it straight into me, she ran it across my toe just underneath the skin. She stuck me 3 or 4 times, then put a clamp on. That’s a toe ring of sorts that acts as a tourniquet. When she was done her assistant bandaged the toe. It’s a good thing I took my flip-flops because it would’ve been hard to get my foot into the shoes I arrived in.

She cut the left side of the nail plate on the left big toe and warned me that there was a chance it could grow back ingrown at which time she would do more than just a section to guarantee it didn’t grow back curled. I’m also at risk of infection and bleeding, but I think I’ll be ok. Gotta keep the bandage on 24 hours, though.

It doesn’t hurt when I’m off my feet, but I can barely walk. Even though it doesn’t hurt it’s impossible to just walk normally. It only hurts if I put full pressure on the soles of my feet, and of course that toe. I have to walk on the outer edge of my foot or heel, and even then it’s uncomfortable. It may actually be easier if I crawled, LOL, and for the first time since being here, I wish the place weren’t so damn big. The bathroom is a mile away from my computer desk. It’s amazing, though, how much stepping on your foot affects the top part of it as well.

The only thing that pisses me off is knowing we owe hundreds of dollars. It would be thousands without insurance. We can afford it; I just don’t think it’s fair that only some people get free medical care. While I’m the first to admit the poor should never be denied health care, I don’t see why those with money should have to pay for it. Take it out of the taxes, why don’t they? Hundreds or not, I am at least getting top-of-the-line care with state-of-the-art equipment and the highest quality of services and remedies.

I was crying tears of both relief and gratitude regardless of who has to pay what. I’m just so, so grateful to Tom and to having insurance… FINALLY. I can’t believe we discovered the cure for my ear in Maui so I could end years of suffering. If only I’d known to get a humidifier. I’m like a new woman! I can eat without pain and don’t have to suffer near-daily earaches, and soon I will no longer have to suffer from my toe even if that was mild compared to the teeth and ear. It was a horrible way to live being in pain nearly every day of my life for years. Every day I’d wake up and wonder, what will it be today? My ear or my teeth? God may still hate me but He sure is doing a great job of not letting it show lately and I hope it stays that way!

It rained hard most of the day. Mudslides have been occurring throughout the state as we get all this rain the earth hasn’t been used to getting in years. Golf courses and playgrounds are now as green as Hawaii. We didn’t have much visibility on the freeway. The backsplash from tires makes it harder to see than the actual rain falling from the sky.

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