#reflection essay

[sheliyann08]

A simple yet Wonderful Life

Living in a small but crowded, dirty and clean, noisy and messy but a fun place of Malibay, Pasay City, where I grow with passion, dreams and contentment in life.

They say that our hometown is like a garbage with a bunch of trash which they say a "squatter place" because of scattered trash everywhere, a bad smell coming from the river at the back and from the poop of dogs but little did they know that there lived the kind hearted people, a beautiful scenery of a city especially at night, an affordable things and food to buy is here in Malibay.

Furthermore, Malibay is a place where people are contented with the life they had but as for me, Malibay is my inspiration to dream big, to take risks and be ambitious because someday I want to give my family a better and a decent life where, far from danger and disasters which they experience at Malibay, Pasay City.

[jheamarganas]

Hiking

Recently, I went on a challenging hiking trip with friends to a beautiful waterfall in the mountains. The experience started off feeling peaceful and invigorating, but as the trail became steep and rugged, I started to doubt myself. However, I pushed through, focusing on the beauty around me and drawing strength from my friends' support. In the end, reaching the waterfall filled me with a sense of accomplishment and taught me valuable lessons about perseverance, determination, and the importance of leaning on others for support during tough times. Reflecting on this experience has helped me grow personally and appreciate the power of pushing beyond my comfort zone.

[justincarlcredo4138]

Long Life Realization

(Reflection Essay)

First and foremost, my life is like a roller coasters that has a ups and down; has full of challenges that takes me to be a strong man. Learnings and realization are the one who help me to see something that is different from what I know on my own perspective. From what I gained to the challenges that I faced, it could be in social, spiritual, physical, as well as on emotional.

As Grade 12 students, I have subjects that tells me to be more open in political participation and in political world. Philippine Politics and Governance(PPG) teach me a lot about politics wherein 1 of the lesson that i cannot forgot is the saying of Aristotle. Aristotle says that through political participation we can achieve a good life; thru that saying, I realized that I should be more open as the time goes by, since back then I don't have any concern about political participation and after that, PPG subjects serve as a eyes for me to see the political situation of our country.

Other than that, I also have an experience that brings realization in my love life. As of my age right now at 17, I also experience the different kinds of love in my life whether it would be from my family, friends and many more. However, a kind of love that gives me more learning & realization is from my schoolmates that gives a trauma in Me. The love that he gave to me is like a tangled rope that cause a unserious relationship that we had. Additionally, the most difficult thing that he done to me is that, he used to reason out his Sister's message even though, he was the one who did that; by that, I feel so many uncontrollable feelings. My heart feels like a broken glass, wherein I'm trying to fix it but I can't.

Furthermore, because of the trauma that last in me, in every relationship that I have recently I always do the conclusion every time my partner and I has a circumstances that we face even though, i don't have evidence that I can prove to myself.

Lastly, there experiences that brings me a lot of realization and helps me to be more strategic thinker, that to intuitive thinking since mostly when I make decision, I always end up up for being intuitive. But because of those experiences that I've encounter in my life, it teach me and I realize that everything should be explained, not just concluding for no reason at all. Nonetheless, being a person that has a open mind for everything that is done by myself is a great contribution to my personality, since it will help me to be practical on the things that I encounter.

[3cssndr3]

A Sculpture Named Bea

You can define me as sculpture. A sculpture who encountered many carving tools and artists that shaped me for who I am today. And now, I will share those tools who became the materials for who I am today in this enormous museum.

The first carving material is my science teacher aka my adviser who was my gouge. My belief changed when I was in fifth grade. It was a cold, summer day and my science teacher suddenly asked us if we believed in forever. Of course, as a young sculpture who loved fairy tales, I proudly said that I am.

“Walang forever. Ang lahat sa mundo ay may katapusan, kahit ang mga gusali at plastik ay nawawala. Ganoon din ang pagmamahal at kabaitan.”

Those words that he said became a coloring pen and a gouge that sculpted my head. Another knowledge was given to me and my perception of the word “forever” changed forever.

Afterwards, it was a year later when another tool bared its fangs to me and it was a mallet. I was in my sixth grade and it was a hot, sunny day. I was sweating buckets and I’m fanning myself like a madman when another revelation flew down to me like a dove. When suddenly, a woman entered the classroom. I was seated in front so I could clearly see her. She introduced herself as a person of the church (I can’t clearly remember if she was a nun) to guide us for our kumpil. And then, she dropped a bomb on us (well, at least for me) that changed my belief or perception for my whole life.

“Ang pagtwag kay Jesus na Papa Jesus ay mali. Dahil si Jesus ay ang ating kapatid, at ang Panginoon ang ating ama. Kaya ang Papa God ay tama, pero ang Papa Jesus ay mali.”

And back then, I fully believed her. Because if you thought about it, Jesus is really our brother, while God is our father. Thus, I stopped calling Jesus as Papa Jesus. However, the bomb didn’t stop there because this time she dropped a missile.

“At sa pagdadasal, pagdating sa anak ang inyong kamay ay dapat nasa inyong tiyan at hindi sa dibdib. Dahil sa tiyan nabubuo ang isang anak at hindi sa dibdib.”

Once again, my belief or perception changed since that day. Whenever I pray, when it comes to “of the son” my hand is at my tummy and not on my chest. Therefore, the mallet shaped my heart.

Time passed by like a hawk, and I was already in my eighth grade and a flat chisel came in front of my eyes. Those were the times when I was really hooked on Facebook. Like a gossiper looking around for juicy news, my eyes and hands are always on my phone and scrolling in the said app. And there, I encountered a war between two netizens about the topic Death Penalty. 

Like a narrow alleyway, I was favorable at this punishment. Yet, that stranger changed my mind.

“Oo, masasama silang tao na maraming ginawang karahasan sa iba. Pero deserve ba talaga nilang mamatay? Paano naman ang second chance? What if na falsely charge lang siya? Or ginawa niya yun dahil wala siyang choice…”

The stranger’s comment goes on and on, but those words stuck to me like glitter. They shone through my narrow mind and opened it to become more accustomed to the enormous museum. Because of those stranger’s words, not only did my belief change when it came to the Death Penalty, that stranger was the flat chisel who carved my eyes to see the wider scope of the museum.

After a period of time, the clock started to work again and four years have passed and now, I’m in my twelfth grade, where I need to decide for my future career so that I can choose a course for my college. And it was a drill press that pierced through me. 

My family and I were going back home and we were inside our car. I don’t know how, but our conversation took a turn about my chosen course, which is Political Science. And surely enough, my father expressed his worry.

“Sigurado ka diyan? Ang lambot-lambot ng puso mo tapos magla-lawyer ka? Baka naman mamaya, iiyak lang yung kalaban mo tapos iiyakan mo rin?”

My father questioned me like a private investigator which my younger sister laughed at. My father only heaved a sigh.

“Pero kung yan talaga gusto mo, wala kami magagawa.”

I thought that was the end of our conversation, but his next words pierced into my whole being.

“Pag naging lawyer ka, dapat kaya at alam mong depensahan ang kliyente mo. Example nalang, pag nakita mong nadapa yung kliyente mo, dapat kaya mong patunayan na hindi siya nadapa.”

Those words were the drill press that pierced and carved my whole being. I wanted to be a lawyer to be a hero for every Filipino citizen, however, my father made me realize that if I become a lawyer, I will be a hero to the other and a villain to another.

Those few tools shaped me as a beautiful sculpture who I am today. They may be few but they made me change my habits, thinking, perception, and belief to a better version of it.

Thus now, I am a sculpture who was made by different artists with the use of different carving tools that can face and any flash of the cameras and phones that may come in my way. Because those flashes will become my carving tools who will once again pierced through my skin and prepare me to another museum.

[shaineinin]

Untuned Notes: The Making of Gracious Harmony

a reflection essay

"It's so perfect, perfect, perfect. A hundred percent, put us together you know what you'll get. Harmonies' so cold, you'll never ever wanna let it go."

In the midst of broken melodies, where harmonies and tones do not blend together to create a masterpiece, I was there, in between. Listening to the music of life that may have untuned notes, but still puts up the most gracious and gorgeous euphony that I could ever ask for. The loveliest that I didn't realize was me. It was me that it built.

I remember when I was a little child, a child raised at the blazing land on a farm, I was free. Free as a harmony ready to prove herself that she can do great things. That she can achieve high tones. However, in that same phase in my life, an unexpected untuned note that made that harmonious thought tangle and clash within itself. It was my grandfather, whom I love dearly and treasure deep within my heart, got found dead in the middle of the dawn. The dawn where a lifeless melody had broken up to the music of my life.

He was one of the few people who taught me how to be brave at all times. Brave as the king of the jungle. Alert and ready to embark on a new journey. Never afraid to fight and to accept change. One of the toughest people who gave me the inspiration that no matter what life serves you, make way to give your A game and serve life back the things that you actually deserve.

Despite that untuned note, my life kept going. It kept going like a thread of hair or as continuously as lengthy as the longest bridge in the world. Until I have finally reached the second untuned note that placed me in an excruciating phase again, which made me believe that my life is a path of broken melodies.

For the most part of this music called life, the second untuned note dragged my soul out of me. Unfortunately, the 2nd year of the pandemic was also the year when my father got a heart attack and was diagnosed from a stroke. It was a hard time for all of us, most especially my siblings, because that was also the time when my mother was away. What we had at that time was nothing but ourselves. Nevertheless the situation, as the eldest, I acted as the wall for my 4 siblings. I did what I had to do. I was their shoulders when a broken melody of life enters our way. Their peace and calmness amidst the storm of chaos that was happening in our lives.

Frankly speaking, right after that untuned note, there was a block of unwavering tunes that got off my way and made my little yet synthetically enormous life— enough with struggles and hindrances every single day. There were those times where I had to take a huge portion of considerations to make sacrifices. Sacrifices that alter my music, my life to the fullest.

Above all, I realized that through these untuned notes I was able to learn things that made me who I am today. A solid, unique, and harmonious music that could make other people happy with her beat and tune. It creates me into something worthwhile listening.

Through these untuned notes, I was able to take lessons in life that I would've never learned without those notes. Notes that I would never ever let go. I am now a piece of art that will spread her music to the world for it to heal from its wounds.

[jaiyiee]

TURNING BACK TO THE SAND OF TIME

As i looked at the sky, i realize how the youngest stars shines so bright than the old or past self would be proud if she saw new me that shines so bright? She would be feel over the moon if she saw me twinkle every night? As i turned back the sand of time. I saw old version of me crying at the darkest night, selfless, you cant even see the shines in her eyes, she was full of sorrow, cant stand on her own. It was 10 o'clock still cant figure out, the goodness and powerful love of God that guides to walj at the right path. Then i let the time run for a long time still thinking whats going on, i heard the voices of anger and envy yawning at my ears. Oh! I think thats the voices of stars who cant shines so bright, the envy on their heart is like the stick stock on their chest. I think my shines has an impact for them to be angry so bad.

It was half of the golden time, i decided to focus on my own shines and let the asteroid falling to the land like a rock. I started to fix my self as well as my heart. Moreover, i also focused on my study because i believe that it would help me to be succeed in life. Howeve, there is still people who keep pulling us to the ground, but as i started doing things great, they cant even pull me because i build strong foundation on my heart. The girl who was at the corner of the room decided to live it and faced the challenges; she experienced before. In addition, if i am going to ask my old self, i think she could be proud of me, because i didnt let my fear become my biggest regret.

It was already 12 o'clock then i saw shooting star passed through my favorite star. Then i make a wish, i wished that to my future self always be good to others. Life might be selfish, friends would be your enemy but God is powerful than anyone. I closed my eyes, i realize that my old self was strong as a concrete wall. The only words that came out to my mouth was "Thank you lord" because without the hardships that i experienced i cant be who i am todag. We cant turned back the time; only we can do is to look back at the past for us to know that we shines now than the old times.

[mj55]

ohh ohhhh he went against his fathers wishes for once but hopes to be proven right and for the decision to be validated by him in the future… god the horrors of constantly having to prove himself continue free him!!

[hyacinthsdiamonds]

I'm sorry but the irony of Nico calling Max unprofessional is sending me so bad like sir there's an entire garage full of people, who were literally in the trenches trying to survive the Brocedes fallout while just doing their jobs, who might have a few things to say about your (& Lewis') level of professionalism at that time 😭✋️

[waitineedaname]

putting aside being sad about binghe for now, I was looking for the first time sqq directly compares binghe to a maiden, and as far as I can tell, the first time he calls him a maiden is this part:

To push him away during this moment would be like giving a young maiden -- one who'd finally worked up the courage to call and brokenheartedly weep to an older sister for comfort and encouragement -- a face-turning slap. It was really a bit cruel. (Chapter 11 in vol. 2 of the English translation)

this stands out to me because this is shortly after he finally realized binghe is attracted to him, while he's still grappling with the fact that he's "turned binghe gay." it's yet another example of sqq equating being gay with femininity -- he knows binghe is into men now, and thus begins him repeatedly referring to binghe's behavior as that of a maiden's

but the other thing that stands out to me about this quote is that sqq is also making himself a girl in this metaphor. I know the translation is probably lacking here and he's probably using jiejie to mean generic older female friend as opposed to jiejie meaning older sister, but still. shen qingqiu, why are both of you girls in this mental metaphor. hello. shen qingqiu are you aware that making both of you girls does not make it any less gay. shen qingqiu are you listening to me. shen qingqiu yes it's still gay when you're both girls

[herinsectreflection]

This Was Supposed To Be My Town (Consequences)

Faith Lehane never had a chance.

Put yourself, if you will, in Faith Lehane’s shoes. You are seventeen years old. You have no friends, and in fact never seem to have had any. You grew up poor, neglected, and physically abused by your mother. Said mother dies when you are still a child, but you are taken under your wing by another woman: your Watcher, who reveals to you that you are a Chosen One - granted the power to fight vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness. She then also dies; violently murdered in front of you. 

So you move across the country to another town, where you meet someone just like you. Like, freakily like you. As if you are her mirror image somehow. She is exactly like you, except she has friends, a loving mother, a living Watcher, and a warm three-bedroomed home to return to every night. You have none of these. You live in a run-down motel that you can’t afford. You have to feed, house and clothe yourself, and none of the adults in your friend’s life make any attempt to rectify this situation, including the one that’s meant to be acting as your Watcher. Again, you are seventeen years old.

But you carry on. You become good friends with this mirror-girl. Perhaps you even have a bit of a crush on her. You think you are inseparable, until you find out she has been secretly keeping her ex-boyfriend in a mansion. At the same time, you get another new Watcher who promises to take care of you, and you start to look up to her. Then she betrays and tries to kill you. And then dies. You spend Christmas Eve with this girl, but again she disappears to look after her ex who’s trying to kill himself. You carry on getting closer with her, finally feeling in tune with another human being who’s coming around to your way of thinking. Then a strange man basically runs into your stake and, oops, you’ve taken a life and might be facing manslaughter charges. It feels like everything in your life other than your freedom has already been denied you, and now you might lose that as well.

What I’m saying is: you wouldn’t have reacted that great either.

Read More

[gothchrist]

"War Porn," in The Conspiracy of Art by Jean Baudrillard

[crunchyspaghetti]

I’m so interested to know how other people perceive the team and Daisy’s arc in the beginning of season 4. I feel like I’ve seen a lot more of the “I’ll never forgive the team for how they treated her in S4” sentiment recently, which is interesting because I’ve never taken that perception away from that storyline at all.

Did the team say or do hurtful things? Yes, for sure. (I usually see the aforementioned comment on videos on that one scene with Daisy, Mack and Fitz)

But does Daisy also do and say hurtful things? I honestly think so.

That’s what makes that part of the season so phenomenal to watch, story wise. There is not black and white, good or bad, there just is. That is the reality of grief, that is the reality of mental health struggles, that is life.

There are no “right” answers when coping with the impossible, honestly. I think there are healthy and unhealthy ways to handle things, sure, but it’s not really a moral issue, on its face.

I mean, between the team and Daisy there are some rough interactions. Fitz is certainly a little hypocritical when he’s criticizing how Daisy handles things, given that he wouldn’t have reacted well if it had been Jemma. But He has been there for Daisy, up until this point at least, with Ward, her powers, they’ve been through a tremendous amount together. He feels abandoned and, yeah, he’s expressing it in a less than ideal way. But he cares. You know he cares about her. He and Mack wouldn’t be so angry if they didn’t care.

Mack is upset when he finds out Yo-Yo’s stealing the bone pills for her because 1) he’s been lied to for months, and 2) more importantly, it makes it seem that Daisy doesn’t trust him enough to directly come to him for help. That’s the thing. He would’ve helped her, probably given her anything she needed medically. She never needed to get Yo-Yo to steal any of it. It’s frustrating, it hurts. Mack is genuinely a deeply loving person, you know it’s killing him to not be able to get through to her.

Everyone on that team wants to help her, more than anything. They are begging her to let them in. I mean, lest we forget Coulson gave up his fucking job, in part, to keep chasing any lead he has on her.

When blaming the team for the rockiness at the beginning of season 4, you’re completely ignoring the fact that Daisy is actively running from them the entire time. She doesn’t want them to find her, and I really get it, honestly I do. I deal with things the way she does, radio silence, isolation, running away, being avoidant, self destruction, etc, etc.

Who could blame her, honestly? The anger and the self hatred and the guilt and the grief. Lord knows I’d take off, shut myself out. How do you even begin to manage that kind of pain, especially when it’s still fresh?

Well, you manage it any way that you can. For Daisy that means trying to atone for all of the pain she caused, which, are also things that caused her pain. Especially at the beginning of the season, it doesn’t matter how much she’s told that she is forgiven. Lincoln was at peace with his decision to sacrifice himself, Mack forgave her for hurting him while she was under the influence of Hive. Nobody is directly blaming her, except for herself. To try to heal from the pain she is in, would mean being able to extend herself grace, mercy. The only person who needs to forgive her, is herself. And she just- can’t.

She believes that all she does is hurt the people around her, which is what she is grasping onto to justify hurting herself. The hard truth of living that way is that when you’re stuck in your own, self harm, self hatred, shame-spiral is that you are the only person who can break out of it.

That’s a huge part about what I love about the storytelling of this arc. It’s genuinely some of the best mental health representation I’ve seen in a show like this.

Obviously, mental illness is not your fault. Being stuck in a bad place is not your fault. Daisy is not at fault for her grief. Her descent into isolation and a self-hatred, suicidal, shame-spiral does not in any way mean that she is a bad person. But there’s only so much another person can do when it comes to a battle that is completely contained within your own brain.

The team never stopped caring about her. Coulson, May, and Yo-Yo, specifically, never gave up on her. That’s important. She would’ve most likely been dead if they had stopped giving a shit about her. That’s significant.

But they’re not mind readers.

To go back to the scene with Mack and Fitz too. I think that scene is really important because it’s Daisy being confronted with the reality that her actions, her running away, isolating herself, really is hurting the people that love and care about her. She runs away to protect them from that very reality, of course, but how could they know that?

She doesn’t want them to care, and she hopes that if she just pushes them hard enough, if she bares her metaphorical fangs, they’ll stop. She’s accepted being alone, she’s accepted her own self destruction, because even if it hurts them at first, even if she’s absolutely miserable, they’ll be safe. Inside, she’s unwilling to admit that she needs them, and she’s acting in a way that allows her to avoid the cognitive dissonance of her actions (i.e. yo-yo stealing the pills they’d willingly give her if she asked).

But the fact that she’s hurting them doesn’t push them away. It just makes everything hurt more for everyone. She wants to embody that hurt, she’s cannibalizing her self to try to take on that pain but it doesn’t make anything better.

This storyline is not a case of right and wrong, if anything it’s an antithesis to it. It’s about how the ambiguity of life and grief and mental health are like tangled strings, messy and knotted, it’s about the love and effort and dedication it takes to hang on to/fight your way back to the people that love you, it’s about the strength it takes to carry on and forgive yourself, and, as May tells Daisy once she comes back, it’s about that: “you can’t choose who cares about you”.

[trappedinafantasy37]

I'm continuing with my cult shit from my previous post cause so many more things are beginning to make sense. To add some context, I am listening to an audiobook that is a memoir of the author's time growing up in a cult. One of the things the author talks about is that cults hate individuality, they do not like their members standing out for any reason. Cults demand conformity and tell their members that the cult comes first in their minds and hearts.

Let's start with 'Shadowheart'. She was originally named Jenevelle Hallowleaf, but she chose to change it to Shadowheart. You may think, "Oh, isn't changing one's name an expression of individuality?" In this case, no. She picked that name not to stand out from the cloister, but to conform. She wanted a name that paid honor to Shar. This is a common practice within cults in which members change their name to honor or pay some kind of homage to whoever it is they worship. The practice is done to remove one's original identity and replace it with the cult. The persistent memory wipes also made it easier for this process as her identity was literally wiped away.

When we do meet Mama and Papa Hallowleaf and Papa Hallowleaf calls her Jenevelle, Shadowheart expresses discomfort in the name because it isn't who she is, even if she rejects Shar. When on her Dark Justiciar path, she doubles down and screams that her name is 'Shadowheart' while she kills her parents. The identity of Jenevelle was removed, and replace with Shadowheart and this is who she will always be. This is one of the reasons why I argue that even if Shadowheart rejects Shar, there will still be some lingering Sharran like things that aren't just going to go away.

I believe something similar happened with Nocturne in which after she transitioned, she picked a name that paid honor to Shar in which Nocturne = Night, like Nightsinger. Although I will admit that Nocturne's situation is not a one-to-one comparison with Shadowheart's as Nocturne is a trans woman and probably has a much greater and more personal desire to distance herself from her deadname and previous identity. Nocturne also mentions that she was often bullied and ridiculed by other cult members for transitioning in which Shadowheart always came to her defense and beating the shit out of the transphobes. What I find to be ironic is that Viconia of all people was accepting of Nocturne's transition, telling Nocturne that only in Shar's embrace can one truly find themselves. Regardless of why Nocturne picked the name that she did, Viconia is taking advantage of this transition to make it about Shar. That Nocturne's identity as a trans woman is still all about Shar.

The various hairstyles she takes in the game is so incredibly important. A lot of people think it's cheesy, but it's important. The way we wear our hair is one of the greatest expressions of individuality, something that no one can really take from you. The hair cut she starts with ironically is the same exact bang style as Selune, like gorl is just not beating the terrible Sharran allegations.

But it is a hairstyle she insists on having long before the events of the game. Nocturne will say that Shadowheart wanted something bold, and I'm willing to bet that Shadowheart probably wanted to pay homage to Shar. The fact that it is actually the same cut as Selune may be a little Freudian slip, just a tiny piece of "Jenevelle" still bouncing around in that head of hers.

The Nightsong decision will also have an impact on her hairstyle, but Shadowheart approaches it very differently. If she kills the Nightsong and becomes a Dark Justiciar, she cuts her hair but keeps it black. This is conformity and she says that its intent is to be in Shar's image. She also doesn't quite break up with you if you're in a relationship with her, but she puts some emotional distance between the two of you and demotes you to friends with benefits. This is her putting the cult first. This is also why Shadowheart's romance is a slow burn one because up until this point, she has been putting the cult first (the Nightsong decision determines if she keeps that up, or puts you first).

If she spares the Nightsong and rejects Shar, she cuts her hair but dyes it white. By this point, Shadowheart is not a Selunite, she doesn't worship Selune, and even says she doesn't know if she ever will. The game does designate her as a Cleric of Selune, but this is more of a game mechanic than a lore implication as the game does not allow for godless clerics. On the surface, dying her hair seems like conformity to Selune, given Isobel's and Dame Aylin's hair, and white hair is a common practice amongst Selunite's supposedly. But I do not think that is the case here. She dyes the hair to prove the point that she no longer belongs to Shar and doesn't want to look like a follower of Shar any longer. It's her insistence that she is an individual, can make her own choices, and lives as herself. It's a big 'ol "fuck you" to Shar. This is also why I like the idea of Shadowheart having a change in domain around this time as well.

A much more subtle thing that happens that isn't really pushed by the narrative is all the Sharran armor that follows Shadowheart around the game, from her default armor, to the broken plates in Grymforge, to the upgraded plates in the Gauntlet, and the full Dark Justiciar set when she embraces Shar. Now, not everyone puts her in Sharran armor, but a lot do (including myself because it does look good on her). The Sharran armor is her uniform, something she wears so she doesn't stand out from the rest of the Sharrans. Uniforms remove uniqueness, removes individuality, and ensures that all are uniform (equal) and no one is truly better than others. It reinforces the notion that they are here to serve their god and not themselves. Even when you examine the broken plates in Grymforge, she will have something to say about them, which probably prompts some players into giving them to her. And when she becomes a Dark Justiciar, she is immediately put into the Dark Justiciar armor set regardless of whatever she was wearing before in an act of forced conformity.

If she becomes Mother Superior, she will come to the reunion party with similar robes that Viconia wore. Her robes are intended to symbolize status and elevate her as the head of the cult. But multiple other members within the cloister wear similar robes of a similar design, suggesting that even Mother Superior is wearing a uniform.

The more I go through this audio book, the more I understand the cults in the game and how it impacts the characters. And all this doesn't just apply to Shadowheart and Shar, it also applies to the Absolute, followers of the Dead Three, Lae'zel, and Minthara. But, there is another character that I really really need to talk about in regards to individuality in a cult and that is Orin. However, I am going to make her an essay all on her own because that girl is just a mess.

< Why Shadowheart is a bad Sharran | Cults & Individuality: Orin >

[yikesy]

actually the only way i can make sense of rrverse dionysus' characterization re: mental health is if I interpret the way his image and worship became softer and more sanitized with time as the healing process

and you know what? I do. good on dionysus for no longer externalizing his trauma by literally forcing other people to live trough it and instead inventing theater where he just does that metaphorically and actually helps people with it and contributes to the arts and finding his place in society

[mamawasatesttube]

honestly the most "yikes!" thing to me about ~timkon clone baby~ aus isn't even how insanely out of character they all are. it's the way every single post i see about them really just tells on the op so hard about how much they have NOT unpacked re: the nuclear family model and consent in relationships

[fivelila]

Did Five love Lila before the subway?

Well, this is a question only he knows the answer to, but today I found myself reflecting on a few scenes, and I want to share my thoughts and observations with you...

Season 2

At first, Five pretty much ignored Lila, seeing her merely as Diego's girlfriend from the mental hospital. Later, he sensed she might be lying about who she really was. In the scene where she saves him from the Swede, his expression clearly shows he’s surprised. I think that’s the moment she genuinely caught his attention—for the first time. Of course, his caution won out, and he kept an even closer eye on her. Still, I believe this was a pivotal moment.

During their first fight, Five was clearly the superior one and could have won easily. However, his triumphant gaze at her held something else: he was enjoying it. I think he found her challenging and intriguing, which drew him in.

Five bluntly tells Diego the truth about Lila, even though he sees how hurt Diego is. He throws it in his face, emphasizing that he himself is the reason they got together (more on this in Season 3).

The second fight is far more intense, with Lila determined to kill him. At this point, Five likely believed she was just another tool of the Handler and saw her as a threat he’d eliminate if necessary.

When he learns the truth about her parents, his reaction shows genuine shock. He realizes she has personal, valid reasons for targeting him. This revelation shifts his perspective; from this point, I believe he no longer truly wants to harm her.

Season 3

When Five discovers Lila has returned, she’s the only one he wants to partner with. Yes, he values her skills, but was that the only reason? I think he also wanted her company.

The bathroom scene is a chapter of its own. He must have known she was still angry with him. In this fight, it feels like Five is more focused on defending himself than actually attacking her. When Lila calls it off, he stops immediately and engages with her about the situation. This scene feels like a way to clear the air between them. And honestly, barging into someone’s bathroom isn’t exactly normal behavior—he was really asking for it. And that stance of his while talking to her? Well…

Later, when they argue, Five tells her Diego probably truly loves her. This moment stands out. Was he doing it for Diego? I don’t think so. He likely suspected "her son" might be part of her revenge plan, but why bring up Diego’s feelings? In Season 2, he didn’t seem interested in matchmaking for Diego. Could it have been for himself? To stop Lila from leaving later? Perhaps he knew the only reason she might stay was Diego.

Five understands that, because of her parents, Diego, and his own age issue, he didn’t stand a chance with her at that time. If she left, he might never see her again (I doubt he guessed she was pregnant). Reconciling her with Diego was likely the only way to keep her around. Or perhaps reflecting his own (burgeoning / unacknowledged) feelings?

At the Commission, when Lila leaves the bunker, Five glances at her in a way that suggests he doesn’t want the world to end—partly because that would mean losing her, too.

Later on, it's just small moments, but still iconic, like their dance and the apparent shift towards a truce between them.

Season 4

After six years, we don’t know much about how often Five and Lila saw each other. But given their somewhat normal lives, it likely happened a few times. Even though the first episode of the season makes it seem like most of the characters haven't seen each other in years, presenting some information in the style of family members interacting for the first time in years (well, it wasn't happily done).

The banter between Lila and Five persists, but there’s also trust. Once again, it’s just the two of them teaming up for a new mission. It’s clear by now that he genuinely cares about her and wants to protect her.

When Five talks to Diego about burying something deep and pouring concrete over it, it feels personal. What could he be referring to more than his soft spot for Diego’s wife? He also talks about Lila not giving up what she has - as if he had thought about it before.

He also agrees to her crazy idea. As in Season 3, he likely saw it as an opportunity to spend more time with her while solving mysteries.

And the subway? We all know. Only a blind person wouldn’t see that Five had fallen completely in love with her during those years. Despite the insane situation, he looked happier than ever. His smiles were genuine... and so were his glances at Lila.

So... When did he fall in love with Lila?

I think, It likely built up over time, like a snowball rolling downhill, starting from the very beginning. But the subway gave him the chance to fully embrace those feelings, and their greenhouse gave him the courage to act on them.

What do you think?