#she has increasingly become a favorite of mine...

[homolobotomized]

IT'S DADAN DAY!!!!!!!!!!

[mrschwartz]

Alex Turner for Rumore Magazine (September 2013)

Seventies Heads and Modern Loves or I Don't Know What I Want But I Surely Want You

by Elia Alovisi

Until he opens his mouth, Alex Turner looks like he stepped out of the Nevada desert. Leather loafers, a belt, slicked-back hair, sunglasses. But as soon as he starts talking, between “summat” instead of “something” and “me” instead of “my,” he transforms back into a boy from Sheffield who grew up on cocktails and DJ sets. The discrepancy between the way he looks and the way he speaks is strange: you would expect a cocky and arrogant rock star, but instead you have before you a relaxed and thoughtful boy who carefully measures his words, but does so with a smile and not a frown. The lyrics of AM, the fifth album of his band, mainly revolve around difficult and elusive women. There are many questions. “Do I want to know?” “Are you mine?” he says; “Why do you always call me when you’re high?” she says. There is no shortage of desires: “I want it all,” “I want to be yours.” Absent, however, are the answers. We tried to get a few out of him.

How was it to be back at Glastonbury as a headliner five years after the first time?

Fantastic. Absolutely wonderful, this time it was very natural. Everything was harder in 2007, we had done a lot less shows and had a lot less songs. Now we have learned to move better.

After the experience of Humbug, you collaborated again with Josh Homme.

Yes, Josh is on Knee Socks, towards the end of the piece. We gave him carte blanche and he decided to sing a sort of counter-melody that reminds me a lot of Bowie.

Are knee socks your favorite piece of underwear on a woman?

[Laughs] What do you think?

If she has the right legs.

Exactly, yes. The best is the garter. But then they would not be Parisian anymore, right? And then they are thicker than women's stockings. However they are not my favorite underwear, I go with the push-up.

In the lyrics of Arabella you talk a lot about the universe.

I wanted to use that linguistic palette to try to describe a woman. There are many songs that use those sorts of words… galaxy, interstellar, constellation, things like that, but usually they are used just for the sake of being used. Instead I wanted to make them an active part of a description, they are images that I find very interesting. In England, on the BBC, there is this program called Wonders of the Universe, with Professor Brian Cox. And it is one of my favorite programs [smiles, pleased].

Barbarella also pops up in the text.

Yes, although I haven't read practically any of her comics and I've only seen a small piece of the movie. I don't really like B movies. To know her, you just need to have seen a poster, that's all you need. I just used her to make a comparison with the costume she wears.

How does the suite you sing about in Fireside relate to room 505 in Favourite Worst Nightmare?

Yes, I���m talking about a suite in my heart… or in her heart? Well, in someone’s heart. Room 505, in my mind, is something very concrete. I wrote that song on a train between Philadelphia and New York, my girlfriend was in a hotel waiting for me and I just wrote about that [Turner’s voice becomes increasingly whispered as the sentence progresses]. In Fireside, however, it’s all figurative.

So how much of your real self is in your lyrics and how much is just imagination?

There's no rule, sometimes there's a lot of me in the lyrics when you least expect it. I put little secrets in them. What I try to avoid is that people who listen to one of my songs say, 'oh, he's talking about that girl'. You know when you read a novel and, somehow, in your mind you see its characters with the faces of some of your friends, or your favorite actors? That's where I want to get to with my music, I want it to be like being in front of a story, not the evidence of two people with a name and a surname who are kissing. It's up to the listener to give them both a face. When I write I pretty much always have someone or something in mind, but it doesn't really matter.

How did you come up with the idea of ​​using John Cooper Clarke's words for I Wanna Be Yours?

We wrote most of the songs on this record on a four-track that I got for my birthday. I spent a while recording ideas on it, sometimes we'd loop a bass and drum melody for five minutes and the fact that it was on tape gave it an incredible color. Then I'd sit there with headphones and a microphone humming melodies, or making up silly lyrics to start coming up with ideas. One day, while I was jamming, the words I wanna be yours came out and I remembered that they were the title of one of his poems. I thought it would be cool to use someone else's words – and especially his, I'm a big fan of his. It's one of my favorite songs on the record, the lyrics alone make it different from anything we've done before. And then I love the juxtaposition of the slow, sexy, flirtatious music and his words.

The party you talk about in No. 1 Party Anthem seems a lot more laid back than the ones you’ve talked about in the past, like the house in This House Is A Circus.

That’s true, but the parties we go to are still pretty messy. They’re just twice as long.

Am I supposed to be imagining some sort of indie celebrity party?

Indie celebrity party? [Laughs.] No, no, no. The slow tempo of that song gives it a bit of a Los Angeles feel. It’s a city that I’m told is very similar to what we’re portraying on the new record, and I’m starting to think that might be true. Not that it sounds like the Eagles, you know.

It's like your sound is becoming more and more American.

Yeah, maybe. There's something special about that part of the world. Everything that came out of California owes something to '70s rock, the spontaneity of those rhythms also comes back in West Coast hip-hop. But then came the fucking '80s and… a lot of fucking bands that don't fit into that theory. I think there will always be something English in our sound, it's something we can never detach ourselves from.

How much does Sheffield still mean to what you do?

Well, you know… [he taps two fingers on a tattoo on the inside of his arm: the Yorkshire rose and underneath it the word “SHEFFIELD”].

There are three songs on AM whose titles are questions.

You don't notice things like that until you sit there and write the titles of the songs one after the other. I hadn't noticed until then, there are also a lot of wanna.

The protagonist of R U Mine? is wrapped up in a certain western imagery, you portray her as “a lone cowboy riding in an open space.” And in All My Own Stunts you talked about “watching cowboy movies on gloomy afternoons.”

I love the western style. The leather ties, the belts… Hey, look at this one I’m wearing! [He stands up and shows me his leather belt, turning his back: it has “TURNER” engraved on it, on either side of the horseshoes.] A friend gave it to me for my birthday, this year was really nice, between this and the four-track. I also love western movies, especially the ones about Butch Cassidy. I also love Ennio Morricone’s soundtracks, obviously.

How do you usually celebrate your birthdays?

They’re nothing too devastating. I have a birthday in early January, everyone is still recovering from Christmas and New Year’s, so the average response I get is usually “forget it.”

Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High? brings back the drunken text messages you mentioned in The View From the Afternoon.

We've all done that at least once, come on. Those lyrics might have come off the first record, but the music is fully invested in what we're doing now. I just wanted to write something simple.

While we're on the subject: when was the last time you got bounced at the entrance of a nightclub? It's not like From The Ritz To The Rubble anymore, is it?

Shit, that was like four weeks ago! [Laughs.] We were in Stockholm, we were trying to get into an area of ​​the nightclub and there was no way we could get in.

What are those Mad Sounds you're talking about?

That song is about those moments when you put on a song and it's like it's talking about exactly how you feel. It's a song about those songs, and I hope it can become one of them. I get that feeling from some songs by Lou Reed, John Cale, or Harry Nilsson. It's like sometimes they really understand how I feel, and you're like, "What the fuck..." and you almost tell them to go fuck themselves.

The point where the song explodes is when you start singing a series of ooh-la-la-la. What is the la-la-la moment that sticks with you the most from the music you listen to?

Definitely the do-dodo-dodo-do-do-do-do from Walk on the Wild Side by Lou Reed.

By the way, who came up with the idea of ​​calling a song The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala? What does that mean?

It came up one day when we were making up names for guitar pedals – sometimes they have crazy names. The Blond-o-Sonic Shimmer Trap  would be perfect for a fuzz, for example. The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala, however, comes from a bar we hung out in a lot while we were writing the previous record. The room was full of glitter and there were a lot of weird chicks all winking, like cougars.

The lyrics to Snap Out of It revolve around hypnosis. Do you think there's any real power behind it or is it just persuasion?

I've never been hypnotised, but it all seems pretty real when you watch hypnotists on telly. There's this show in the UK where this guy, Derren Brown, gets people to do all sorts of things. Crazy stuff like, "rob someone!" Nothing I'd want to be involved with.

In I Want It All you say, “Leave me listening to the Stones 2000 light years from home.”

I’m actually a Beatles guy, no doubt. But I like them both, I saw the Stones at Glastonbury and it was great.

Don't you think it's better for a band to go at the top of their game than to keep going and going and risk having nothing left to say?

What the Stones have managed to do is really extraordinary. I mean, they're seventy years old and they're still on stage. It's very difficult to have an opinion on something like this because I don't think I've reached that level yet. I'm very excited about the new album, we've reached the point of being a good live band and, speaking as an artist, I think I've reached a certain excellence this time. I want to build on that, explore new things. We still have a lot of places to go.

I think the main difference between AM and your previous albums is the small amount of guitars.

This time we didn't want to sound like four guys playing in the same room, while that's exactly what we wanted to sound like in Suck It And See. We immersed ourselves in a more minimalist idea. The guitars are perfect, sometimes they don't even sound like guitars from the way they're played, or from the effects we put on them. They sound a bit "spacey," they would be good for the stereo of a flying saucer. Then we came out with some bass and drum parts perfect to be played at full volume through the speakers of a car. We also worked much more with the vocal lines, especially with the choirs.

There are actually a lot of songs where you put backing vocals and backing vocals, especially One For The Road.

Matt, Nick and I do them. Jamie is the only one who doesn't want to have anything to do with them. It all started with R U Mine? , the part where we all start going: [hums the backing vocals]. As soon as we tried that part we realized how good it sounded, we especially liked the fact that it was something we hadn't done before. So we just went for it.

[deafeningfanlight23]

Sun and Moon Designs for TSAMS AU + Rant! :] (I LIKE PSYCHOLOGY OKAY :'D)

I'M BACK Y'ALL I PULLED A WILLIAM AFTON! ✨💃 And because I have nothing to do, I will waste my time that I have on the Earth to talk about things THAT SHOULD BE TALKED ABOUT BY EVERYONE: THE SUN AND MOON SHOW! >:D

SUN'S SECTION

(Sun uses he/she pronouns in my story so don't be confused if I address her with she! :D)

I have ALWAYS imagined her with this over-the-top outfit, y'know, where you get an eye-strain - A bunch of colors slapped on the fabric with a radiating, never-ending positivity and sunshine coming from it all! :]

BUT, because he is one of my favorite characters and my top kin, OF COURSE HE GONNA HAVE TRAUMA that's my love language 😍✋ (I show affection this way don't mind me 💅😋)

This outfit is like the POLAR OPPOSITE of how he is feeling on the inside, and that's how I intended it to be (SUBTLE STORYTELLING OHHH Shakespear is in DA HOUSE >:D) - Because this is a part of this facade that he has been keeping up, one of positivity and joy, optimism and something else but I ran out of adjectives ;D

With this happy-go-lucky persona, she tries (and often fails) to cover up and hide this shadowy, nagging void and this untreated and messy pile of self-hatred, self-doubts and endless trauma that becomes increasingly intertwined! :D FUN AIN'T IT >:D

Sundrop also has a RELENTLESS inferiority complex that nearly paralyses and stunts him - That he is of less worth, that he is a burden and failure to his family and everyone around him, and that no matter how much he tries (and his lack of tries thereof), he will always be beneath everyone. And to be honest, he eventually accepted this role because he thought that's just how things are supposed to be, and that's the only place where he CAN'T do nothing wrong and can't disappoint anybody, because everyone else does the work while he stays in the sidelines and is stuck as the passive observer. He can't mess ANYTHING up through this, and that's good. Although it makes him feel so, SO feel useless, so much so that it feels like it chokes him around the throat like a noose whenever he sees his siblings (especially Moon) work so hard on keeping this piece of shit, HIM, safe, despite him doing NOTHING in return to even deserve this.

I have SO MUCH to tell about Sundrop and her psychology, it's just so fascinating and interesting! There are so many tiny, moving parts and pieces that make her the anxious, traumatized mess she is who can BARELY hold herself together and is about to snap! (and it helped me to kinda cope cuz I projected like 1000% issues of mine onto her :3 SO I GUESS THIS WAS JUST ME TRAUMA-DUMPING AND VENTING BUT SNEAKY, I evil genius 🤭)

ANYWAY, HERE IS SUNNYBOY! :D

This is my favorite so far because I also just slapped my own style onto him >:D AND YEAH I HAVE GOOD TASTE, I KNOW 💅✨ /j :D

Sun has a more "feminine" style and also an eyelash on the left eye because, in my story, he is a demigirl and uses he/she pronouns as mentioned :D I also gave him MANY earrings and details to emphasize kind of the randomness of his outfit and also the subtle randomness, or a more fitting term, "unpredictability" of him - You never know quite certainly what will piss him off and make him shout in unfiltered, pent-up rage, or make him suddenly turn quiet, stunted, and afterwards break down and sob. She is like a dice :]

The facade is EASILY to be cracked after all.

However, the amount of details and earrings are for me at least kind of overwhelming and everywhere, as if so many things are demanding for my attention - And that's because Sun is a mess, a person whose pieces of himself are scattered from one spot to one another more far away.

I COULD TALK ABOUT HER FOR HOURS YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I GOTTA SHUT UP MY MOUTH 😭🙏

ANYWAY SUN'S DIFFICULTY TO DRAW WAS... 4/10 because he's an unstable cutie patootie :D But it was a bit difficult to talk about him because IT OMNIOUSLY IS SIMILAR TO ME HM I WONDER WHY- 😀

BUT NOW, THE EMO BLUEBERRY IS NEXT! >:D

MOON'S SECTION

I have NO IDEA how to begin with Moon, he is just really um Moon-y 😭

BUT what I can say about him is that in my story, he behaves more and is like the first version of Moon before he had sacrafised himself for KC - And we all know that he didn't treat Sun THAT well. Of course, he loved his brother dearly and cared about him, however, this love didn't really come across in his ways of trying to keep Sun safe and unburdened. He LITERALLY was so much "good intentions, bad methods."

He overprotected Sun so much by trying to unburden him by doing everything himself and not letting him help in a way, and although it should benifit Sun, it only caused their already stain relationship to actually fall apart more and Moon to crash out, causing him to ultimately lash out at Sun. It was very tragic to witness ^^' While the intentions of this are transparent, it actually just feeded into Sun's perception of his role as the useless brother and gave him another reason to hate himself even more, but especially made his fear of messing up even stronger and bigger because there was NO opportunity to challanege this belief by having a moment of success, accomplishment and glory that he desperately needed to get pulled out of this spiral - Which ultimately resulted into trying to kill Eclipse to silence these thoughts and feelings. It kept him depended on Moon though, because after a while of Moon doing everything himself, it was so normalized that he expected Moon to always figure everything out himself. It was a clashing piece of parts that shouldn't co-exist with each other. But he continued drowned in those feelings uselessness, in his inferiority complex and fear.

WAIT I WAS COMPLETELY DRIFTING OFF TOPIC I STARTED TO TALK ABOUT SUN- 😭 ("editing" Squishy: That's why I marked it yellow so you can skip it, and the following ones, too ;D)

Okay, to get the point across swiftly, Moon was abusive towards Sun. He exhibited absolutely abusive behavior and was sometimes EXTREMELY immature, and his ways of abusing Sun reflected that, too - Guilt-tripping, blame-shifting and much more. (But Sun is VERY MUCH so himself, too, we can't forget that.)

My interpretation is that Moondrop, while he and Sun still shared a body, had an emotional development that was constantly disrupted. He never really had the "privilege" to, for example, learn how to interact with the world around him and to learn how to regulate and control his emotions because of social isolation and the takeovers of Sun. Of course, that affected Sundrop too, but Sundrop had way more interactions with the outside world and had opportunitites to learn about social interactions (and Karens maybe taught him how to somehow restrain his emotions) unlike Moon.

Moondrop also was VERY depended on Sun, just like Sun was depended on Moon - He literally couldn't LIVE without him, even less than Sun could, because Sun was his only source of emotional stability, his sort of crutch that always helped him through things!

WITH THAT OUTTA THE WAY, TOO, Moon is also a VERY short-tempered person, just like Sun in a way. Although he is very smart, he also is VERY impulsive - He isn't very cold, cunning and calculating, but he CAN be. Just like Eclipse, the one he doesn't want to get compared to because he is the walking embodiment of EVERYTHING he doesn't want to be but sadly, still kind of is. Anyway, as we saw ourselves, he often threatened to beat Sun or punch him at least during gaming episodes, and although it was often seen as a joke by both of them that is not taken to be seriously (or so it looked like, though Sun very much got nervous), I think that it planted at least some seeds of fear in Sun's mind, judging how much HE TRIES to avoid to anger Moon and immediately gets quiet and fidgety when Moon is sadly angered. And the infamous whacking stick, we can't forget that :'D

And just like Sun, Moon also has an IMMENSE self-hatred and low self-esteem - His past haunted him and tormented him, his desire to protect Sun overrode sometimes the smart, science part of him, and there were many things he wanted to correct but never could and ultimately failed to do so.

OKAY WAIT WHY IS HE KINDA INTERESTING TO TALK ABOUT TOO- 😨

BUT ANYWAY HIS DESIGN! :D

THERE HE IS :3

I like his design a lot tbh! :D AND I JUST DISCOVERED THAT MOONFLOWERS EXIST AND LIKE OF COURSE I GOTTA SLAP IT ONTO HIS PANTS CUZ IT MATCHES SUN'S SUNFLOWERS >:D

Difficulty to draw was 6/10 cuz like meh :/ He introduced me to TSAMS though AND I REMEMBER RELATING TO HIM SO MUCH CUZ IT WAS THIS EPISODE I THINK "Sun learns MOON'S DARK SECRET" and where he basically DID NOT SPAT FACTS BUT TRAUMA 😭 So I will give him a sticker for trying :3

And now, the twins side-by-side:

They have similarities cuz they are twins, duh ✨💅

They have the same flower theme on the pants, they have those weird left eyebrows AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: They have those necklace thingies! :D And they work like this: Sun's has the actual Sun side in black to focus on the Moon, because Moon is his counterpart and he can't live without him, and Moon's has the actual Moon side in black to focus on the Sun because of the same reason! :D

AND THIS TOOK 1 HOUR AGAIN TO WRITE YAY 😍 Sooo thank you for hearing me yap, hope you enjoyed! :D (Though you can tell me of course if it doesn't interest you and you just want to see the character designs, I have the feeling that not many are interested in the stuff that I say! ^^' AND THAT'S OKAY BTW YOU SLAY REGARDLESS >:D)

NOW I GO SLEEP cuz it's 10 pm where I live and I have school tomorrow and I am sleep-deprived cuz NIGHTMARES :'D Nightmares should go and eat out of the garbage can I tell u 😃

TUNG! :D

[vulpecular-draconic]

so… i think i finally consciously figured out something.

this lull that i’m experiencing, that i’ve mentioned in previous posts? i know where it began. or, the two things that i think began it. i don’t remember which order they happened in? so i’ll just describe them.

incident one: i tried to talk about alterhumanity with my mom and sister. not just in vague, this-is-a-thing way — they already knew it existed and thought it was weird — but i tried to explain phantom limbs to them. i asked them if they experienced phantom limbs, and kinda told them about mine. which was a mistake. they didn’t make fun of me exactly, but my sister gave me weird looks (and thought i was confusing it for imagination, which i didn’t have the energy to correct at that point), and my mom just said she thought i had a strong imagination (in a less-frustrating way than my sister). but i left the whole interaction feeling VERY much like i’d shared too much of myself. i still feel that way about it. i noticed afterwards that it was harder to feel connected to my ‘types.

incident two: i filled out an alterhuman survey. i’m not sure why, but something about one of the questions — or rather, something in the way i answered it — left me feeling… empty, in regards to alterhumanity? i closed the app and got up from my chair suddenly feeling like i’d broken something. i don’t really know why it made me feel that way. the question had been asking about how much i viewed myself as human. my answer was that i felt like “human” was more of a job title, a purpose, than something i was. it was the first time i’d contextualized it that way — outside of my head, at least? — and… idk. but everything felt Different after that. 

these both happened around the beginning of 2024, i think. for a few weeks afterwards, i clung on to posting about alterhuman stuff, trying to get that feeling back. eventually though, i accepted the lull and stopped trying to wring connection to myself out of tumblr.

i didn’t fully accept the reasons for the lull, though. it’s true that i’ve had natural lulls before even knowing i was alterhuman, but i pretended that was all it was.

since the lull began there’s been a few spotty days where my connection feels stronger, but hardly ever to the strength i felt it before, and hardly for longer than a day or two.

what really worries me is that the only kintype i feel consistently connected to now is being a pearl fox (and avian-humanoid, but that’s less of a species and more just limbs that almost always feel comfortable to me. and dragons, which feel more like otherheartedness, but i always get shifty about those whenever i interact with dragon content). but even being a pearl fox feels more distant than it did. all my types felt very real as i was feeling them, but i worry that they won’t come back. what if they were hyperfixation-induced identities, and now that the hyperfixation has abated, i’ll never feel like them again? 

because i am a psychological alterhuman. i’m at the whims of my own subconscious. i think i definitely was everything i said i was back then at the time i said it, but i don’t feel like i am anymore, not in the same way. i tried, but i can’t force it to come back. i’m still not quite sure why it left.

to be honest, the only thing that’s keeping me from completely doubting if i’m alterhuman at all is remembering how i found out i was alterhuman in the first place.

i acted nonhuman (specifically, cat-like) since i was eight, until i was shamed out of it.

i constantly pictured myself as a dragon and had dragon phantom limbs around the ages of eleven-thirteenish.

right before finding out about alterhumanity in 2023, i realized i was placing an unusual amount of weight on the question “what is your favorite animal.” my answer had been cats as long as i could remember, but that had become increasingly uncomfortable to say in recent years (dysphoric, in hindsight). i felt that my favorite animal had to encapsulate my personality, and for some reason, cats no longer did. i realized i was drawn more to foxes the same week i learned about alterhumanity. 

i kind of wish i had learned about alterhumanity a bit later than i did. a couple months later maybe, that would’ve been ideal. give myself more time to learn about foxes and i connect to them on my own, without getting it tangled up in preconceptions, yknow?

because red foxes? the species that pearl foxes are a color morph of? i initially discarded them too quickly, because i didn’t feel connected to the classic red fox color morph. so i went searching for a whole different fox species, and found bat-eared foxes. it’s hard to describe in with words, but think that made everything a lot messier in the months afterward.

i’ve always had a fascination and connection with dragons, which hasn’t faded in the same way my connection with cats did, but i’m wondering if i was too eager to call it a kintype. i’m definitely at least dragonhearted, that’s for sure. i’ve definitely been a dragon before. i think i’ve been all the kintypes i list in my intro post, but i don’t know if that being was something that was ever meant to last.

i’m thinking about the list of animals i wrote down before discovering alterhumanity, when i was trying to figure out which creature was my favorite. i think i want to go back to before i found out about bat-eared foxes, and i want to start from scratch. make absolutely sure i’m not tying myself to an exceptionally long, hyperfixation-induced cameo shift. they have all been very important to me, and still are in many ways, and i’ve been scared that admitting to myself that things might have Changed and that it would mean they could never be important to me again. but that’s silly. they can be important again if that happens to happen.

i’ve only been awakened for what, a little over year now? compared to so many other alterhumans, i’m just a kit. i’ve barely started my journey with nonhumanity.

so i’m tentatively starting with a new status quo; i am a pearl fox.

i think i’m comfortable saying that, but i need to parse what exactly that means to me. i’m less so a pearl fox in a real-world all-fours fox kinda way (though it feels like that some rare occasions). i’m more so a fox in fable-trickster-figure kinda way, creative and clever and skulking around. (i think that may be where my fae/changeling kintype came from — it melds with my pearl fox ‘type in a way that may mean it’s not entirely its own thing. i don’t feel comfortable calling myself a fae anymore, not in a literal way. changeling i still have to think about.) sometimes i feel more like a pearl fox in a grungy way; less whimsical, more grounded, listening to rough music and wanting more from life. sometimes being a pearl fox feels more like a metaphor: a metaphor for how various parts of my identity has been dehumanized, and a channel to express the parts of me that snuck around to stay safe.

but it always, in some way, feels like me. it feels like it fits my pre-awakening criteria for a favorite animal: an animal that can encompass my personality completely.

i should probably make a new intro post with this info soon, but i’m not quite sure how to explain it in that format yet. but i’m happier now that i’ve figured this out. all my other kintypes, and even my hearttype and hearthome, i want to put away for now. not necessarily abandon forever; if the connection is still there in some form, they’ll come back. but i want to make sure i’m not forcing myself to make them stick around.

so yeah, reintroduction, i guess! i’m vuldra, i’m a pearl fox, and i don’t know if that’s ‘heartedness or ‘kinity or both in fluctuation.

[a-lil-random-artist]

Leah’s Normal Day: The Return of Sad and Leah

Chapter 17: Visiting the buried grave / Karen’s backstory / The captured

(TW: LANGUAGE / CHILD ABUSIVE STORY / GORE!!!)

On the next afternoon dull grey cloudy weather of July 6th, Karen brought the roses from the grocery stores, and she decided she would have to visit to the deep forest where she buried Sad and Leah for last 3 days after the accident. After all, she headed home and decided she went towards to her backyard, visiting the deep woods and trying to keep going, however, the dead buried are usually miles away from her house which it will took long to keep searching for the buried in the deep woods. In hours later, she finally found it, but she noticed the stick branches appears from the buried dirt that it looks like a shape of a hands, well, maybe she’ll didn’t mind, tho. “Hey kids…I’m back again…I brought you some roses, and some mint scent candles, you guys do like mint, right? It’s like It was The Day of the Dead when my grandmother told me ever since as a young child…” She placed the scent candles of mint right next to the buried graves, and placing the roses onto their dirt pile of buried. “Here, I bet you like the roses, maybe it was the one of your favorite flower, right?” She ask the buried graves, but Karen knows they could not talk, because they were already dead after accident in 3 days ago, and its like the spirits are right next to her when she could imagine it, hopefully they can forgive her for what she’s done. “*sigh* Well, kids…I just wanted to apologize for what I killed you both after car accident at last 3 days ago…” Karen said in ashamed, sitting down on the leafy ground and begin to pose her legs, Criss cross applesauce. “So many memories about my whole life, and my 4th grade student, Leah one time…I remember I was Leah’s 4th grade teacher in the time of 6 years ago…I was the one who is being kind, helpful, caring, and supportive teacher. Sometimes I were helping out the 4th grades students, just like other female teachers when there is four of us… “Kendall”, “Spicer”, and “Yustina”…They were exactly the same as mine when I helped them…It’s not like they were triplets, It’s like they were very responsible as mine, in fact, they were different…then, one day, I noticed my old 4th grade student “Tyler” who came to make fun of her, making her cry, whenever I did was being neglectful teacher, and blaming on her…Do you remember Tyler is your friend, Leah?” She ask, hopefully Leah would remember the time of 6 years ago when her old friend Tyler used to be friends with Leah, whenever Tyler has his brother name “Colton”. Karen couldn’t help, but she felt ashamed of herself for what she did was becoming a neglectful and narcissistic teacher, and blaming on her old student, but except for Tyler, sometimes. Tyler would make fun of the other students, but Karen does not care at all, all she did was becoming neglectful increasingly, just like the other teachers when they change their life. She didn’t know Leah had the ADHD and Autistic disorder ever since she is a young 4th grade student, but now she’s all grown up into teenager with her Autistic Disorder.

“Then a months later in First Day of School, I became realized Leah wasn’t there, she just went to-… transferred from school to another school…I realized I was being a cruel teacher towards to her and others…Her friend Jamarcus told me that he spotted her in the Maplewood Mall and play with her, I’m glad that he told me, but then…He went to moved out from Minnesota to California San Diego…just like other students in my class when they grew up into teenagers…and now I felt lonely…All I did was wrong…and just like other female teachers when they got fired…and mines too…” Karen’s eyes begin to have shedded tears before she wiped her tears off with her arm, and she couldn’t help, but only she realized is that her life is becoming more worse and depressed, just like the female teachers in Karen’s class. She wanted get a good life so bad, so she can forget about anything for what she’s done, but it doesn’t take it off from her mind, because she remembers about her old memories of being as a teacher. “Well, you wanna hear what happened about the 4 of us in my classroom crew teachers…? Don’t worry, I can tell you what happened…*Sigh* Here’s what happened about the teachers… I remember Kendall told me that her mother got passed away because of during old ages when we both talk about this alone in the lunch break …Eventually, I saw her had the anger issues, pain in her eyes, and having a rage that can be trigger her in her mind…and one day, I recognized she have the scar…It’s like she got scratch by the bear during bear hunt, but no, She slice herself with a knife to make herself more tough. I felt horrified of her when I saw Kendall did aggressive towards the students…The students might ask her for what happened to her scar, but it might causes to trigger her, gripping the student’s shirt collar, and throw them everywhere at students in lunch, library, classes, and hallways…she’ll ask “Is anyone recognize something at my face?”…It was very terrifying when she did aggressive to the students…and the most terrifying part is that Kendall was drowning the student in the mud, pushing their head down so hard during playground when some student accidentally bump against her…She thinks the student assaulted her so hard, but the student bumped against her so hard on accident and uhh…they ended up getting drowned in the mud, making them suffocate with no longer breathing…I wish I wanted help the student, but Kendall is too strong and horrifying, because she always thinks the student assaults her when they accidentally bumped against her. Days later, I’m glad that Kendall is fired and went to prison for 8 years for child abuse, and it looks like she’s in prison and started to be deep depression…Now she just hate me and becoming rage, destroying everything in apartment when she got home…”

Karen is finding her memories in her mind, but she finally remembers about what happened to the teachers. “Spicer just usually got fired because of burning Colton’s winter hat, and try to teach him a lesson…but he wasn’t do anything at all…all I’ve just got was being helpless and weak…Spicer just died during old ages, Whether she’s in Heaven, or Hell…” Karen started to continues. “Yustina, the ginger short hair girl just became homeless and tries to went after the student to kidnap them from the playground, because she got fired for what she yelled at the disabled student that she never understood, the disabled student wasn’t even doing anything at all…she was…too drunk for this and went too far for this…*sigh* she got house evacuation for smoking the cigarette and destroyed everything after she got fired…and now she’s homeless, just like she’s broke tho…No home, No money, No food or drinks, just only her decision plan, is to kidnap the student from the Playground, and to leave the student drowning in the swamp…Yustina just got busted and got in jail for 8 years…Last of them is me…I got fired…I yelled at my 4th grade students and being neglectful narcissistic teacher which I was in jail for 18 months. I can tell you about what happened to my family…it can get things got worse, just like the other teachers…*clears throat* It all started when I met the handsome man, Andrew, when we met each other at theparty during years ago in Wisconsin…We moved out from Wisconsin to Minnesota. We got a house, jobs, and my two daughters, Sarah and Mia. We were just like a perfect family when everything is normal and having fun…” Karen’s little smiles went faded away, felt herself of ashamed when she remembers the things she had done towards her family. She pulls out something from her pocket, the photo of Karen’s family, Andrew, the Karen’s husband, and her two daughters, Sarah and Mia. “One day after school, I was being stressed about having a bad day for work…and my two daughters came up to ask me what happened, reaching their hands to my shoulders, but I ended up yelling at them…causing them to get scared, run away, and cry…I didn’t mean to yell at them…My daughters told my husband about what happened when I got home, and we both begin to argue each other for what I yelled at my daughters…scaring them off…Another day after school, when I came home from work, I realized my husband and daughters just left me all alone…moving out to Wisconsin to live with his mother…getting a new job, and making a money…I just saw the note that he and my daughters are going to live with his Mother’s house, and he is getting a new job…But I’m lonely…I’ve done nothing but ended up getting drunk, and smoking the cigarettes…” Karen looks at her right hand and take a look at her wedding ring when she married her husband from last years ago. She knows he broke up with her, She knows he brings the daughters to moved out to Wisconsin…She would have to place her ring to Leah’s branch looking hand, so she would have to make sure Leah won’t let her forget her childhood 4th grade Teacher.

“At my wedding ring,” Karen slowly pulls out her ring from her finger, taking look at her ring of Blue that looks very Magnificent Rarest to Ancient Egypt ring jewelry. “I shall have to forget my ring since my husband broke up with me, and bring my daughters to separate from me. With this ring, I’ll ask you, to never forget me as your childhood Teacher.” A Karen’s last words, she push her rarest ring in her ring finger, carefully not to break the stick or went harshly. After that, nothing has happened. Karen’s head glance back at the woods behind, recognizing there was the several crows stood there on the high branches. The branches sticks of hands slowly cracking and moves a little, Karen did not noticed, only she was looking around is the crows watching her. While Karen’’s eyes are still looking at the crows, All of the sudden, the branch stick of hand figure shoots out to grip her arm and let it out shrill scream. “RAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Karen causes caught off guard by getting dragged by the branch stick hand figure, pulling her arm down at the buried grave as it causes the several crows alerted and freaking out. Karen struggles to free herself from the grip, only she sees was Sad’s branch hand figure trying to reach his hand towards her. “A-AGH!” Karen pulled out the arm and finally set herself free, and she glance at her arm until she realized the arm had took off, gripping her arm. She let it scream and shook her arm off hard as she can, seeing the arm flew off onto the ground. All of the sudden, she hears the loud bumping coming from the both buried, and something is seemed off when the corpses must come to life from the dead. Suddenly, the corpses crawls out from their buried grave, and Karen watches the corpses stood up from the ground of buried frightenly. Something she saw was a frightening sight…

Sad and Leah, had returned from their death…How many lives do they have left?

They both had their messy hair because of getting buried by Karen after car accident, and just like the same exact as their outfits. Their face are looked ruined, just like 3 days ago of car accident. Their skins are pealed off with showing bleeding and skinless, had the missing right eyeball, and messed up looking faces, in fact, their arm looked skinless as blood.

Leah begins to brush her long hair away from her face, revealing herself with her terrifying looks with corpse version of herself…. “You did this to us…” Her voice is whispering loud with her gentle voice, slowly going towards to Karen, just like Sad when he is getting towards to Karen. Karen’s eyes winded in frightened, and she begin to get up quickly before she runs off down the forest. “BACK OFF!!!” She said terrifyingly, keep running down the forest. Leah and Sad got off from the unburied grave, and Leah grabbed her own arm to put her arm back on herself, so she could make sure it’ll stay connected. Karen is running down alone in the forest, trying to get away from the living corpses until she ended up fell down the hill, hitting against the log. When she quickly looked back, she saw the walking corpses are coming towards her, and there is nothing to stop them getting chased. She tries to keep herself going as fast as she can, but she slammed by the highest branch against her face. “OOF!” Her eyes turns out into dizzy, and she felt the sense of dizziness in her eyes until Sad and Leah is slowing going almost closer to her…Karen quickly continues to run away, and she recognizes the crows are chasing after her in the woods when there is nothing to stop the crows. She finds her way out of the woods, trying to keep up and never sacrifice herself until she ended up getting trapped by the twigs, hanging on her fabric, but she quickly ripped her fabric off from the branches twigs. She doesn’t have much time to find her way out of the woods, because the living corpses are still going after her for what she had killed them. Once she finally escape from the woods, she arrived back to her backyard, escaping from the terrifying living dead corpses. Karen glance her head back, but she realized the dead clowns wasn’t chasing after them anymore, they were gone. She looked around and see if they were there, No sign of them at all. “Phew…Jesus…” She mutters, and she decided she have to head herself home from the terrifying chasing corpses, and suddenly…The Corpses appears infront of her and came back again! “No…I-I THOUGHT I LEFTED YOU KIDS ALONE!” Karen replied in frightened tone, beginning to back up slowly, but getting bumped by Sad behind. “For Buried death…” Leah whispered loud. Karen realized she is getting ended becoming dead end by the living corpses. She did for what she’s done to the clowns, She did for what she’s done as a cruel teacher towards to the 4th grade students and Leah.

The several crows are surrounded around them like a big tornado, creating a spaces for them. Karen couldn’t find her way out because of the crows, and she recognized the living dead corpses are slowly walking towards her, reaching their hands to her. “You will pay for what you’ve done…” Leah said, and both of them get closer to Karen as the Crows are keep going and going like a tornado.

By the next day in morning when the sun rises, Karen had turned out into brutalized after surrounded by the several tornado Crows and murdered by Sad and Leah. Sad and Leah placed the dead corpse of Karen in unburied hole, and they would have to make sure she will be replaced as a death for good. “Are you sure we’re going to buried her? Someone would find out if they discovered her death.” Sad ask, watching her burying Karen with her hands, because she doesn’t have the shovel. “*sigh* No one is going to discover her death in the deep woods, Sad…She should be dead by now…Come on, lets go have Adventure alone…We gotta leave her dead before she would crawl out from the buried dirt…” She pick up her old childhood sock monkey from the floor, holding it’s ragdoll arm. Sad handed his hand out to her, needed her to hold his hand, So did she. They both hold hands together, never going to get lost, never going to let this happen ever again…This time…It was time for them to have the Adventure for the first time…This time…Siblings sticks together.

To be continued…

[denimbex1986]

'As a director, Benny Safdie makes sleazy movies about hustlers and gamblers and criminals and strivers. Films that teem with violence and drugs, while a pulsating anxiety yanks you through a gritty underbelly of a New York you thought no longer existed.

But today? We’re about as far from that seediness as you can get. On his suggestion, we meet up at the Upper West Side deli institution Barney Greengrass. The tree-lined blocks around here are stately and idyllic, tucked between Central Park and the Hudson River. Safdie, 37, is dressed in full dadcore: glasses, striped tee, jeans, Tevas. (Tevas!) He has the personality to match, with a warmth and gregariousness that initially catch you way off guard. This is the guy responsible for Uncut Gems?

“My go-to meal here was pastrami, eggs, and Mun-chee cheese. But Mun-chee cheese doesn't exist anymore,” Safdie laments. “Nobody bought it.” He opts for a sesame bagel with butter instead.

This neighborhood is his home turf, and his favorite place in the world. He spent his childhood ping-ponging between an unstable environment with his father in Queens, then comfortable normalcy with his mother and stepdad on the Upper West Side.

As a younger man, he did a brief stint living downtown. “I looked out, I'm like, There's no trees. I didn't realize how important that is to my sanity,” he remembers. Now he and his wife, Ava, are raising their two boys, Cosmo, 7, and Murray, 4, up here.

Safdie made his name in tandem with his older brother Josh, the two perpetually mentioned in the same breath for their idiosyncratic, independent films reminiscent of the heyday of New Hollywood. Daddy Long Legs (2009) was mined from their own misadventures with an irresponsible father. (Safdie says he tends to have a more critical view of their upbringing than Josh and, though he still talks to their dad, “it can be strained.”) Good Time (2017), with Robert Pattinson as a small-time criminal and Benny as his mentally disabled brother, raised their profile.

And then came 2019’s Uncut Gems, the heart-pounding thriller starring Adam Sandler as a diamond-dealing gambling addict, which planted the Safide brothers firmly at the center of the culture. The success that followed changed everything.

“That was the first time where I had a vision beyond four feet in front of me,” Safdie says.

What does that vision look like? For Safdie, it means pursuing an increasingly successful acting career. He’s branched out on his own, diverging from the brother he’s been working with his entire life. Many actors go on to become directors; it’s much rarer for the opposite to happen. Even the few who do make the jump—say, John Huston—end up being remembered more for their first career.

Safdie, though, possesses a chameleonic talent, so much so that every role of his feels like a genuine surprise. Perhaps you saw him pop up in Paul Thomas Anderson’s ‘70s Valley vibefest Licorice Pizza as Joel Wachs, a closeted councilman. Or in Claire Denis’s Stars at Noon as an eerily nefarious CIA man (character’s name: CIA Man). Or as a Jedi in Obi-Wan Kenobi. Or, earlier this year, in—wait a second—the film adaptation of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, Judy Blume’s seminal tome about a preteen girl coming of age.

Safdie’s downtown cred, the A24-ness of it all, maybe didn’t make him the most natural casting choice for Margaret’s dad Herb on paper. “It always delights me when people find out he's in the movie. Just their total shock,” the film’s director, Kelly Fremon Craig told me.

Rachel McAdams, who plays Margaret’s mom, told me in an email that she first met Safdie at a screening he hosted for Uncut Gems. “He was so lovely and effusive with such a gentle, open energy about him,” she said. “I remember my brain not quite being able to compute that guy with the same guy who just put me through one of the most stressful movie-watching experiences of my life.”

Safdie sees acting as a way to delve into certain aspects of himself that he hasn’t had an outlet for otherwise. Playing a dad, for instance. “That's a big part of my personality that I haven't yet had the chance to explore in my own work,” he says. His experience as a director also makes him considerably less neurotic about his own performances. Watching himself in the editing room? Having a big line in a scene cut? No problem—he’s been on the other side, and he gets it.

Now, Safdie has his biggest role yet, a meaty part in Oppenheimer, Christopher Nolan’s wildly anticipated summer blockbuster about the father of the atomic bomb. Safdie plays Edward Teller, opposite Cillian Murphy’s J. Robert Oppenheimer. Teller was a controversial figure, a Hungarian theoretical physicist who would go on to testify against Oppenheimer in later years.

The cast of Oppenheimer is comically stacked: Robert Downey Jr., Matt Damon, Gary Oldman, Rami Malek, to name a few. Nolan was looking for someone fresh and unexpected to play Teller. He had initially seen Safdie in Good Time and then Licorice Pizza. “I called Paul [Thomas Anderson] and I asked about Benny, and he gave him the strongest possible endorsement and pointed out that he's an incredible actor, but also just a wonderful guy,” Nolan told me.

There was also a bit of fate sprinkled in. Safdie had studied physics at Boston University—almost became a physicist, in fact, before he swerved off into filmmaking. Oppenheimer would allow him to combine his two passions, to dive into yet another deep interest that had otherwise not merged with his film career. It would also require him to wear layers of makeup, to have his hair straightened every day until he could hear it sizzle, and to do accent work for the first time. Safdie put off sharing his speech progress with Nolan for as long he could, until he couldn’t. Finally, he sent the director a voice memo of himself describing his breakfast in a thick Hungarian accent.

“When he sent me that recording, I listened to it about a thousand times and very much enjoyed it,” Nolan said.

Teller could have been written as a straight antagonist to Oppenheimer, but instead Nolan used him to inject rare moments of levity throughout the film. (There is one memorable scene in which Safdie slathers sunscreen all over his face before the first nuclear bomb test.) “For the tragedy of that relationship to have resonance, you have to have seen a warmth there and something between them that's more of a brotherly relationship,” Nolan said. “And I felt that Benny could really bring that to the role and give it that warmth.”

“[He’s] such a kind and gentle fella,” Cillian Murphy told me of Safdie. Much has been made of how intense the film is—take a look at any number of harrowing promotional shots of Murphy in character looking like the most haunted man of all time. In between takes, he said it always seemed as if he ended up talking to Safdie.

“You keep the atmosphere light and joke around because I feel you need to be in a relaxed state to act. Your heart rate needs to be low, your cortisol levels need to be low,” Murphy said. “And that's why I think I probably gravitated towards Benny.”

Safdie is obsessed with realism. It checks out, considering how so many characters in his movies were just ordinary people plucked off the street. That sensibility has followed him into his performances.

Eating, for instance. It drives him nuts when people don’t eat on camera. “I hate it when people don't eat,” he says, tearing into his bagel. “It destroys me.” When he filmed a dinner scene in Licorice Pizza, he made sure to eat in every take. “I don't know how many tiramisus I ate, but it must have been 30,” he says. Same thing happened in The Curse, his secretive upcoming Showtime series with Nathan Fielder and Emma Stone about a couple producing an HGTV show: “Sixty chips in one take, and we must have had nine takes…”

“It wasn't just the nine bags of chips,” Fielder told me in an email. “Any scene that involved food, everyone would pace themselves on the first take.… But Benny for some reason would keep shoving food in his mouth the entire scene ’cause he thought it would be funnier. And he was right. There was one scene where he ate an entire Chinese buffet plate every single take for 15 takes and he would always match the exact same volume of food. You'd think any sane person would eat a couple less popcorn shrimp each time as the takes went on. But he wouldn't.”

And then there’s the crying. Safdie tends to cry when he gets into character—thinking of all the things he might be feeling if he were in that person’s shoes. When Adam Sandler, in Uncut Gems, had to weep, dejected, that he was “so sad and so fucked up,” it was Safdie who went into his trailer to pump him up.

“In a weird way, there's nothing better than being able to do that in front of people because it's usually a very private moment that you're ashamed of and you don't want to show anybody. But to actually get the opportunity to show people what it's like when you're really sad,” Safdie recalls saying. “And then I started crying. He goes, ‘You got to stop. Can you take it easy?’”

Before Uncut Gems, even with a handful of celebrated movies under his belt, a film career didn’t feel truly viable. At the back of his mind, he still thought he might have to go back to school and actually become a physicist. His wife was the primary breadwinner, and so when he edited Good Time, he’d set his son Cosmo in bed with a bunch of pillows surrounding him so he wouldn’t roll over, turn on the baby monitor, and work while he slept.

Last year, it was announced that Sandler would be working on a new movie with Elara Pictures, the Safdie brothers’ production company. The project would be set in the world of sports memorabilia collectors, with Megan Thee Stallion also reported to star.

Shortly after, news broke that Benny would not be directing the Sandler movie with Josh. “Elara is still there. We work on a lot of documentaries and there's just a constant flow of ideas,” Safdie says. “It just felt like, okay, there's things that I want to explore that don't necessarily align right now with Josh. So it's a divide and conquer mentality. He wants to tell this story, he can go and do that. I'm going to go and do a couple of other things. It seems like a natural progression for how things have happened.”

Mainly, he had gone away to act on several projects and work on The Curse. By the time he returned, Josh and their longtime third collaborator Ronald Bronstein, were already deep into working on the new Sandler movie. “It was just a matter of, ‘This works for me right now and this is what I've got to do,’” Safdie explains.

Elara also had a shakeup earlier this year. One of its founding producers, Sebastian Bear-McClard, was accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women. A spokesperson for the Safdies had previously said they fired him upon becoming aware of the behavior in July 2022. “It’s disgusting, and when you find out something about somebody that you didn't realize, you just have to be much more careful,” Safdie says when I ask him about the incident. “It's a lot, and it's not something that you want to have happen to anybody. And when you find it out, the one thing that you can do is really just take control.”

When we speak, Safdie is just finishing up final sound editing on The Curse. The show originated through his friendship with Fielder. Safdie had been a longtime Nathan for You enthusiast, and had even written a Cinema Scope article about his love for the show. Fielder was similarly a fan of Safdie’s. “In those initial hangouts it was clear we were on a similar wavelength,” Fielder said.“We both think a lot about tone and realism. We weren't even intending to collaborate on a project actually, it just sort of happened organically the second time we hung out.”

“We came up with the idea for The Curse and we're like, ‘This is so stupid, but it's really funny,’” Safdie explains. They kept texting and texting about it, until the bit became real.

In The Curse, Fielder and Emma Stone play a couple, while Safdie is a long-haired, turquoise jewelry-wearing HGTV producer. “They live in an area called Española, which is close to Santa Fe. And that's where they're building their new homes. They have a very different way of gentrifying the community. They want to do it ethically, and they want to do it in a way that doesn't hurt anybody. So they want to make a show about that. And you follow their lives as they're doing it,” Safdie explains. “It started out as a 30-minute comedy and became an hour-long comedy-drama.”

So he filmed Oppenheimer in the New Mexico desert and then returned to New Mexico to film The Curse for several more months. While he emerged without any turquoise jewelry, he did leave the set having purchased a ton of props from production. “I do have an insane amount of Talavera dishware, which I love. I love it so much. It brings me so much joy to look down and see the bright colors,” he says.

This enthusiasm and attention to detail saturates everything. Directing, acting, physics—they’re all connected.

“All of it is just trying to understand what this thing is that we're going through,” Safdie says. “How in the world is the universe expanding and here I am, sitting here. What's 14 billion years ago? What's time? How much time is left?”'

[troutfur]

4, 8, 17, and 18 for the fic behind the scenes?

Ask game

Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

Overtime I've become more of a planner. I used to be full pantser but I have found it increasingly useful to plan out my scenes in advance. The story still throws me curveballs but generally I stick to my scene descriptions. A lot of the time they're just vague ideas anyway and the exact dialogue and interactions always surprise me in one way or another once I put fingers to the keyboard.

Do you listen to music while you write? If so, share a song that’s been inspiring you lately.

I do! But it's very much almost always instrumental music. Here is one that's real nice from an instrumental guitar playlist I listen to a lot on Spotify:

What fic are you most proud of?

Answered!

What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

Jayfeather has a strange ability. When he sleeps, he can drift away from his own mind and float upwards. As he does it, he can feel everything as if he could touch it with his paws up close; he wonders if that's what seeing is like. But what's more important is that he can visit the dreams of other cats this way. He mostly uses it to escape his nightmares. He is Leafpool accusing her own daughter of committing a crime when she did nothing, when it's her who is to blame for misreading the signs, perhaps as punishment for her own transgression. He is Firestar raising his claws against his own granddaughter, against his own daughter, striking without hesitation. He is a warrior, duty-bound to kill Hollypaw now that she's crossed the scent line, seeking to see her family once again after all this time. He is himself, taking joy in tearing apart his own family, even if he knows how that feels. He is himself, having to exile his own wrongly chosen apprentice. Tonight it's Dovepaw he's exiling. But other nights it's Ivypaw. And some nights it's both, one after the other.

From doomed to repeat it

This one came to me in a flash of inspiration. I can definitely see the hallmarks of the kinds of fics I was reading, mostly 1st person with very terse prose. It's kind of dissonant with the rest but I like the effect. I really wanted to drive home Jayfeather's guilt and writing in nightmares is just. I don't know it's a favorite way of mine to emphasize guilt. I don't know why it resonates so much with me given I barely dream at all, whether good or bad.

[motionjames]

Wake up girlies, it's time to return to the frontline!

Guess who has insomniaaaa! 🤗💕💕

A month of cramps, nausea, increasingly worse insomnia (but a strangely good mood) has lead me down the path once again. I caught wind of some strange "gfl2" thing and after being struck with nostalgia, I grabbed bluestacks and fell into hell once more. I'd deleted gfl off my phone simply because it took too much space but now that it's on my computer, it's become DANGEROUS...! Github and clip studio up front with logistics running forever in the background. Yes, the ideal working experience.

Anyhow, everyone say hello to Contender.

I've been making more progress in these past two days than I had in the entire two months I spent with my new account because I realized how to (partially) Not Be An Idiot. Turns out there's a thing called "anchored construction" and you can get some pretty nice units (eventually) if you realize it exists! Wow! I got the girly and now I'm working on grabbing Carcano because she is pretty but also insane skillz.

Also, there's a discounted gatcha running right now and that means I can finally get over my mental block and spend tokens... I was surprised at how easy it's been to acquire them, so I've just been shilling em out. My dorm was totally bare until now. I'm sorry, everynyan...

As for actual gameplay, I finally made it past 2-6. It might seem like a simple thing to most but I was yet again, being an idiot. I was under the impression that I HAD to have dupes of the girls to dummy link them when I actually was swimming in dummy cores 🤦🏽‍♂️ What's wrong with me... Well, I jumped over that hurdle, blasted through the emergency missions, and am finishing chapter 3. The first parts arent so bad when you learn how to read! 😃😃😃

First eschalon is good, it's the standard one that everyone seems to use to clear the early game. This second one is a WIP mess that I'm readying for night missions. You see, I'm really hurting for half-decent SMGs and rifles, the second one there is kinda lacking in defense/fire power... I wanna create a decent second eschalon and night mission groupie but I gotta figure out what units to invest in. I hope for Carcano soon. She is cute. Also, feel free to berate me for my bad decisions and suggest decent compositions. I am so lacking in SMGs that dont immediately explode (mpk you are so cute but so stupid). I'm currently looking at friend's compositions to figure out what formations work...

In completely different news and only further proving how dense I am, I only recently learned that Girl of the Bakehouse was related to GFL. I've had my eye on Reverse Collapse for a while now since it's a remake (of a remake?! I didnt play the previous one) of a visual novel I played in 2012 or so. The original vn was made in 2009 in like Kirikiri script and I was a young lad very fixated on all things with girls and guns (Gunslinger Girl was and still is a favorite of mine, I would've read it one summer at my Uncle's out on the front porch). There's an english patch now, but back then it was only in Chinese so I had to use text extracting and image translators, looking up the characters as I went. I got a cup of coco and opened up a patched version last night for old times sake. It's clearly a doujin work with those rough edges but it's so damn confident in its presentation you can't not get swept up in the presentation. The sound work make it very immersive. I highly reccomend reading it if you want a solid, emotional war story. Looking at the sepia soaked sketches, down-to-earth narrative, dense wordbuilding and general war otaku sentimentality... It really predicted a lot of my tastes, huh... 😅

Behold, teh wolfguy...

Back to work. Logistics still running. I can and WILL continue being stupid. The nostalgia is really strong, I'm tempted to draw fanart despite the sour memories of the past. Again, please berate me and tell me of your team compositions. I think my ID is 772030 but I promise you, I won't be any good on teh battlefield 😇 this machine runs off hopes and dreams, not realities!

[daincrediblegg]

Movie buff asks !! (Where I also recommend movies)

‘1. Favorite action film?’

Mine is Hardcore Henry (2015), a movie that’s very interesting in the fact that it’s entirely filmed in first person ! I found it very fun for when u want to turn your brain off and have something exciting to take up your time (also I think the full thing is available on YouTube ? Or at least last time I checked).

And

‘34. An underrated movie?’

Housebound (2014) is a movie I think is very underrated, about a woman who becomes increasingly convinced that her mothers home is haunted after strange things begin to occur, tho because she is staying there due to being put under house arrest, she cannot leave.

OOOOH good ones... hmmm...

For the first... gonna have to go with Everything Everywhere All At Once tbh. the only other times I've really seen where the fighting is also a metacommentary on one of the themes actually being portrayed by the film is The Dark Knight, or The Matrix, and honestly it's just too damn good that one. It's what more action films should strive for tbh and it will never stop exploding my mind.

34. god I have a whole pocket full of underrated movies. first one that comes to mind for me is The Fall- because literally it's so underrated they don't even make copies of it on physical media anymore- and my dad had to pay like 70 bucks to get an old blu-ray copy on ebay for me for christmas a couple years ago. seriously one of the most incredible films I've ever seen and absolutely nobody knows about it anymore (for the lee pace girlies as well- this one is a MUST). But also I feel like I should show my chops as a film major with deep cuts... so lets go with Jafar Panahi's The Mirror- seriously the most insane meta/use of cinematic form I've ever seen (trust me- not a film that can be explained. just has to be seen to be believe. you will literally not expect anything of what happens tho and that's the point). And also I have to shout out to Mike Flanagan's Gerald's Game which I think is probably his best feature-length to date (discounting Midnight Mass, the outlier- and yes Hush is also insanely good but Gerald's Game fucked me up WAY more tbh and is still one of the best horror films I've ever seen- which on that note A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is great btw). OH!!!!!! And some low-key faves of mine from my dad's old movie marathons: The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (woman talks to an old sailor ghost who is haunting her house and falls in love with him. no I'm not going to project ANOTHER lady terror and francis au onto this one for sure). Also The Court Jester starring Danny Kaye, and The Petrified Forrest (one of Humphrey Bogart's first films ever- and it's GREAT)

MOVIE BUFF ASKS

[missywritesfor7]

🌺 Promise Flower | PJM 🌺

Synopsis: Jimin is a popular dance student and the best one at his university. Mina is a photography student and has known Jimin since high school. An idea for a photo project finds Mina getting closer to him than she ever has before. She learns how big his heart is, but also learns how closely he guards it. Every time she thinks he'll let her in, he pulls away again. Is it even worth the trouble?

Pairing: college student!Jimin x fem!oc

Warnings: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, alcoholism

Next Chapter | Masterlist

|| Ch. 1: Let’s Dance ||

A new year has started and I’m excited to begin my junior year as a photography major. Soon I’ll be graduating and on my way to becoming a great photographer and hosting my own exhibits that even celebrities will want to go to.

Wishful thinking, but either way I’m excited to be that much closer to graduating and starting my career in photography.

“What are you going to do for your semester project, Mina?” My friend Taehyung asks. We met freshman year as photography majors and seem to have nearly every class together since then. He’s become my best friend at the school and my wine partner when I need to let off steam.

“I don’t know,” I respond taking a bite of my bagel as we sit in the cafe that’s conveniently located in the art building on campus. “Why would he put something so heavy on us like that and only give us a short time to decide on a subject?”

This semester our photography professor gave the class a project where we choose a subject and follow them throughout the semester. The final project is worth nearly half my grade so I know I have to do perfect on it.

“I don’t know,” Taehyung says. “But we have to figure something out.”

“Ugh,” I sigh struggling to think of an idea. “What about following one of the sports teams through their season?”

“That would be fine if we actually had any fall sports at this school,” Taehyung huffs.

Our university is one of many (but few) that don’t have a football team, or volleyball team, or any other Fall sport schools typically have. Sports are basically nonexistent until basketball season starts. Too bad we’re not taking this class in the spring.

“Well shit,” I sigh. “What about a series of self portraits where I document myself increasingly losing my shit as the semester goes on?”

“Let me know how that goes,” Taehyung laughs. “I’ve got class, I’ll see you later.” I wave as he grabs his bags and heads off down the hall.

My next class isn’t for another hour so I hang in the cafe a little longer before I decide to wander the halls to kill time. I always enjoy going through the halls of the art building and passing rooms where masterpieces are being created whether on canvas or through music. The music especially is my favorite.

As I’m strolling along I come to one of the dance rooms with the door open. There’s a soft classical track playing and inside a petite figure is moving across the floor with fluid motions. His body floats seamlessly on the waves of the music and I almost want to pull out my camera to capture how flexible his body is. It’s almost as if he’s made of rubber rather than skin and bones. He makes a turn and his eyes meet mine.

“Mina!” He says with a smile.

“Jimin?” I say finally realizing who I had been watching.

Jimin and I went to high school together, and while we weren’t incredibly close, we still had a few classes together and became friends. When we started college we would still run into each other from time to time since we both are majoring in the arts. I wouldn’t necessarily consider him my “bestie”, but he’s definitely a cool friend.

“What are you doing here?” He asks pausing the music and waving me into the room.

“I was just walking around until my next class. Are you already busting your ass on a routine when it’s just the second week of the semester?” I joke.

It’s no secret that he’s one of the best dancers at the school. He’s been dancing his entire life and has won many awards. I’m sure the school was excited when they saw he wanted to attend here of all places as a dance student. But it’s also no secret that he tends to be quite hard on himself. Pushing himself to his very limits for the sake of improvement. He doesn’t know how to take it easy, but I guess it’s hard to when he’s trying to maintain his position at the top of the class, which is constantly being threatened by another great dancer.

“There’s no resting for the best dancer at the school,” he smiles.

“Oh, is Hoseok practicing right now?” I tease looking around.

Jimin playfully huffs while scrunching his face at me. Hoseok is the other best dancer at the school and although he and Jimin have completely different dance styles, they both are constantly going back and forth in rankings for the top spot in the dance program.

Despite that, and everyone else constantly making this out to be some sort of heated rivalry between them, they’re actually best friends and roommates. They find it funny that people assume they would hate each other and tend to joke about it more than they take any of it seriously.

“Anyway!” He says playfully trying to move past my teasing. “I have a recital at the end of the semester and I’m trying to decide what dance I want to do.”

“You have to plan a recital already?”

“It’s basically our final exam so I want it to be perfect. I’m just having a hard time coming up with something that I think will be good enough.”

“Oh come on, anything you do will be more than good enough. Even the little I just saw you doing was amazing.”

“Really?” He asks as if he’s not the winner of numerous gold medals from a lifetime of dancing excellence.

“Jimin please,” I laugh. Just then the gears in my head start turning and I get hit with an idea. “You know what? I have to follow a subject through the semester for my photo project. What if I did a photo series of you?”

“Me? Why?”

“Jimin you’re a man with no bones. That would look incredible in pictures. I could follow you as you prepare for your recital. I’ll even let you have copies of all of the photos. It’s perfect!”

He takes a moment to think on it, definitely being hit with a wave of shyness and embarrassment from the sudden praise. I try to give my best puppy eyes to convince him.

“Fine,” he resolves with a smile. “As long as you make me look good.”

“You don’t need me for that,” I laugh. “I still have about 15 minutes before my next class, can I try some test shots while you keep practicing?”

“Now? I look terrible,” he says hiding behind his hands.

“Calm down,” I laugh. “They’re test shots, I just want to get a feel for the way you move and try to figure out how I want to approach this.”

“Ok ok.” He stands up and turns his music back on as I pull out my camera and get ready for him to begin.

The next 15 minutes I watch as he dances back and forth across the floor. I don’t know much about contemporary dance at all, but I know that he looks amazing doing it. I take lots of photos of him using different angles and camera settings. It’s hard to tell on the tiny camera screen if they’re any good, but hopefully when I pull them up on my computer I’ll have enough to help me decide on the focus of my project.

Before I leave for my next class he tells me he’ll let me know his practice schedule so we can do this again with much more time to spare. I’m just happy to have a subject for my project, and thankfully it’s someone I know to keep it from being totally awkward.

After my class I go home to my apartment and am surprised to see my roommate Jin sitting on the couch. He’s a theater major, and like the rest of us in the arts, he spends most of his time somewhere on or off campus perfecting his craft. To see him at home at a normal time is rare.

“Did you see me in the paper??” He asks enthusiastically holding up a copy of the school’s student run newspaper.

“Why were you in the paper?” I ask taking the paper and skimming through an article written right next to a large photo of his brightly smiling face.

“Because I’m so handsome,” he says with a cheesy grin.

“That can’t be it,” I tease.

The article actually talks about how he had been casted in his third leading role in the theater department so early in the semester. He transferred here from community college last year and has pretty much taken the school by storm since then. It also mentions how he’s always a sought after person to host campus events thanks to his natural ability to entertain an entire crowd, whether he’s hosting a charity game show for one of the school clubs, or a luncheon for professors, he can always get laughs out of people.

“Of course that’s why!” He playfully boasts. “The rest is just filler.”

“If you say so,” I laugh.

“That’s not the best part though!” He says in excitement. “My friend JK said he would take video of me and edit it into a highlight reel so I can use it to send to agencies. Before you know it I’ll be all over the tv! Should I give you my autograph now?”

“I’ll pass,” I joke handing him the paper back.

“Whatever,” he says playfully rolling his eyes. “I think Namjoon really captured my charm in this story.”

He smiles big and bright as he continues boasting about his first feature in the newspaper. I won’t mention that I know he most likely got the feature because the reporter, Namjoon, and Jin are good friends. Not that it makes a difference because Jin is still an amazing actor and has more charisma than I’ve ever seen in one single person. If he wasn’t friends with the newspaper’s art beat writer then he would still catch everyone’s attention one way or another. I’m just surprised it took this long for him to be featured in anything.

Later in the evening Jimin texts me his practice schedule. He mentions that he’s actually going to spend the week planning out his choreo, which he does on paper, and tells me that probably wouldn’t be interesting in photos, but I insist on capturing every step in the process. If I’m going to have a series from start to finish, then I want to get every little detail I can.

We set aside time for me to go by his apartment tomorrow while he works on it. It turns out that he lives in the complex next to mine so that works out perfectly. We live on a street of apartments that aren’t affiliated with the school but are mostly rented by students. I chose this over school sponsored housing just in case I wasn’t able to find anywhere else to live after graduation. I figured it would be much easier this way instead of scrambling for a new home once I’m done with school.

The next evening I go over to Jimin’s apartment once we’re both done with our classes for the day. He takes me to his room and I prep my camera to take shots of him drawing and scribbling in his notebook.

I don’t know anything about dance, but I’m learning that dancers don’t just go out on the floor and start moving, they actually draw everything out and make lots of notes.

Jimin plays a piano track over and over on his phone as he draws out every detail of his choreography in his notebook. As I’m taking pictures of him I can’t help but notice that this is a different song than the one he was dancing to yesterday.

“Did you change the song?” I ask when he takes a moment for a sip of water.

“Yeah, it’s a song Yoongi had been working on all summer. He let me listen to the final arrangement and it was perfect. We decided to make it a joint recital and he’ll play live as I dance. And he’ll make me look good! Do you know how many people I can get to see my performance if I say Yoongi will be playing live?”

Yoongi is another top student at the school. He’s one of the best pianists this school has ever seen, and he already has a few professional producing credits under his name. I’ve met him a few times before but he’s usually short of words. I can’t exactly tell if he’s terribly introverted and shy or if he thinks he’s too good to say much to anyone else, but I try to give him the benefit of the doubt since I don’t really know him that well.

“You really got Yoongi to agree to play for your recital?”

“Why are you so surprised?”

“I’m not,” I laugh. “It’s just that he doesn’t seem to even talk to anyone, I just don’t know how you got him to play your recital.”

“I know how he seems to everyone, but he’s actually really cool deep down. And really nice! I didn’t even have to beg him to do my recital, he agreed right away!” Jimin beams with his big smile that presses his eyes shut rendering him happily blind. I can’t help but smile back at his contagious enthusiasm.

He spends more time planning his choreography and taking brief moments every so often to talk to me. I tell him he can pretend I’m not there but he says it feels weird to not acknowledge me every once in a while. As we’re getting ready to wrap up Hoseok comes home with a large pizza in tow.

“Mina!” He shouts. “I didn’t know you would be here!” He sets the pizza down on the kitchen counter and gives me a big hug.

Hoseok and I have seen each other from time to time, and although we’re not close, he always greets me with a big smile and a hug as if we’re old buddies. He has a very bright personality which is almost the opposite of the dark dominating persona he has when he’s dancing. He’s like a different person on stage it’s a bit scary.

“Do you want some pizza?” He asks as Jimin is already grabbing a slice out of the box.

“Sure, I could eat.” I say making myself comfortable on one of their barstools.

I end up spending another two hours in their apartment enjoying pizza and chatting. Our discussions are mostly focused around our classes and semester projects. Jimin is stuck with one of the worst professors for art history and Hoseok and I offer him our condolences as we’ve both already suffered through that class in previous semesters.

Jimin and I plan to meet again next week in one of the practice rooms so I can begin getting shots of him in action. I’m excited about this project now. Jimin is a great dancer and it would give my portfolio a major boost to have photos of him in it. Knowing that he’ll also be working with Yoongi makes me even more ecstatic. The two of them are the greatest this school has probably ever seen, I just know their recital will be incredible!

[bodhisattvas-storm]

Chapter 15

(Master list)

.

**Bodhi's POV**

I grone and try to roll over, but I'm trapped in Rafes' arms. The ringing from my phone stops, and I try to go back to sleep and enjoy the peacefulness of the moment. There's a beat of silence before Rafes ring tone starts blaring through the quiet and this time he grones and let's go of me "Hello?" His sleepy voice fills the room."Yo! Lover boy! Get the fuck up and get over here. Tell Bodhi she is late. Training. Now!" Barry's angry voice snaps through the silence followed by a click. I'm instantly on my feet "I am so fuckin dead" I breath out. I whirl and point to Rafe and laugh "You're so fucking dead too!" I say and he rolls his eyes "Do you think Sarah is home?" I ask and he nods "Yeah. Down the hall second door on the right. It's got a big pink and yellow flower that her and Jayj painted on the door. You can't miss it, pretty girl, " he says with a softness that melts my heart.

I find the door and knock. A second later, a very sleepy looking Sarah answered, "Oh hey Bo. Good morning, " she says while rubbing her eyes "Hey sorry to wake you. Do you wanna go to my house with me and Rafe?" I say, and a deep smile blooms on her face, and I see so much of JJ in that smile "Yes absolutely!" She says exactly she grabs my hand and starts to lead me down the hall,"but first, " she says, banging on Rafe's door as we pass."Coffee!" She shouts, and I laugh. When we get to the kitchen, she grabs a green mug and puts something in the fancy keurig and hits a button, and a second later, I smell french vanilla coffee. In a moment, it's done, and she puts a few different syrups and a creamer in the mug and stirs it. I'm thinking about how I'll have no idea how to do any of that when she hands me the mug. "Thank you," I say softly, and she smiles. I take a sip and can't help moaning out "fuck this is good. You're gonna have to teach me how to make this. And I'm so getting me one of those fancy things" I say pointing to the coffee maker "You're gonna have to teach the rest of the pouges as well when Jayj tells everyone. John B would go crazy for this" I say and she smiles again "Shopping and coffee? Sign me up!" She says brightly and I can't help but laugh.

Something about this cup feels familiar. I hold it up and look at "This kinda looks like my favorite mug," I say with wonder, "It's the closest things I could find to yours," Rafe says from behind me. He leans down and kisses my forehead before moving to the cabinet and pulling out an identical blue mug to the one that I'm holding. I feel a lump in my throat. "Why?" I ask quietly, and he smiles softly "because I had hope that you'd be my girl. So I got you one for here like your favorite one at home. And mine?" He says holding up the blue mug with a goofy smile "Well that's because I liked yours so much I had to get one of my own" he says "You're amazing" I say and a deep blush spreads across his face.

"Well, what do we have here?" A deep voice says behind me and jump "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you, " Ward Cameron says while he comes into view. He holds out a hand, and I shake it. "Ward. You must be this famous Bodhi that has my son in such a tizzy" he says with laughter and now it's my turn to blush as I become increasingly aware that I'm still in Rafes clothes "Yes sir. I suppose that is me, " I say with a nervous chuckle, and I hear Rafe grone a little bit."Can any of you keep your mouths shut?" he says, throwing up his hands "Oh come on, darlin. I already knew you're obsessed with me, " I say with a wink, and his ears get pink as both Sarah and Ward laugh "Rafe we need to discuss that business idea you have today I have some time around 2, so please be here, " Ward says with a no-nonsense tone that makes me straighten. I look to Rafe, and his body language is on alert as his shoulders tense and his jaw is set "Dad I told you that there is nothing to discuss. I'm going to speak with my partner here soon, and we are going to run this all on our own." He says forcefully like this is a conversation they have had several times over."But Rafe, you need help, " Ward says like he is talking to a child. Sarah sets down a plate of fruit and slides into the seat next to me. She gives me a close lipped smile and shakes her head. Don't get involved. I dont have the best track record of keeping my mouth shut, but sure. "No, dad! I don't need help. " Rafe snaps as he hits the counter. I jump a little, and his eyes snap to mine and instantly soften. He takes a deep breath and says calmly, "Dad. I've watched you do business my whole life. I'm grown now and I appreciate you very much but this is something you are going to have to let me do. Me. You have to step aside and let me find my way. I will come to you if I have questions or need guidance. But please, Dad. Let me do this" The underlying need and desperation in his voice makes my heart ache. How many times has he tried to communicate with this man and been overlooked? How many times has he tried to step out on his own only to be pulled back into the unwanted safety of his father's care? I can see the raging need in his eyes. "Ok, Rafe. Ok, I hear you. Maybe it is time I let you run with an idea without interfering. You know that I've only ever wanted to protect you, right? My boy. The last few years have been different, and I've tried to ease up, but the fear is still there. I apologize, " he says, taking a step forward and putting a hand on Rafes shoulder."Please come to me if you have any problems. Any at all, " he says softly.

I can't stop myself. I say, "You hold so tightly because you thought JJ was dead. Don't you?" The words leave my mouth so softly as my eyes burn at the thought of this man thinking his child was dead for 17 years. Ward looks stunned as he opens and closes his mouth. "What?" He finally says, and Rafe and Sarah are both shocked."I don't mean to clock you like that, Mr. Cameron. It just seems like something that might have never been thought of by your children or even you." I say gesturing between the three of them."You hold so tightly to them. Do anything you can do to protect them and make sure they are cared for. Even if it's overbearing and a bit much sometimes without you realizing it. You do it because you had to part ways with a child and then to believe he was dead, not knowing he lived just 10 miles that way, " I say, pointing south "on the cut. And now he is back, and you're just trying to find your footing, " I say gently as Ward whipes his tears."It's ok that you don't know right now, man. All that matters is that you're trying, " I say, and I don't think I've ever clocked someone so hard."Thank you, Bodhi. I didn't know you and JJ knew each other. Let alone we'll enough that he would tell you about this secret, " he says with a small sad smile."Yeah. There's a whole story to why you don't know about me. I figure you already know what went down a few years ago?" I ask, and he nods while Rafe and Sarah listen intently."JJ is loyal to a fault and my best friend. I told him to deny deny deny. He doesn't know me. Never knew me. Never would give me the time of day. And he did exactly that. And I think on some level he was scared that if he said he knew me, you guys wouldn't want anything to do with him. The same reason he hasn't told the rest of the pouges where his blood comes from. He hasn't had a good life, and we've been the only family he has ever had. He is gonna tell them soon, though, " I say with a soft smile and a matching one blooms on Wards face. "I can't wait for that. We will have a big cookout and small party so we can all get to know each other, " he says with joy, and I laugh."You got a deal, Mr. Cameron on one condition" I say with a sly smile and he cocks his head. Business man through and through "I get to man the grill" I say and he laughs "You have yourself a deal Ms. Adler" he says and we shake on it.

We pull up to my house and Barry is standing on the porch with his arms crossed "I'm so fucked" I breath out as I get out of the car "Heeeyyyy Bear" I say nervously "Don't fuckin hey bear me Bodhi! Every other day. It's not hard! And you didn't even call me! Or text me!" His voice rises to a shout as he stalks off the porch and as much as he wants to hide it behind anger over the fact that I wasn't here for training. I can hear the worry in his voice and shame fills me at the panic he must have felt when I wasn't here and he couldn't get ahold of me. I look down at my hands as I fight my tears "You know better Bodhi. You know to be here!" He snaps. I say nothing as I close the distance between us and throw my arms around him "I'm sorry Bear. I didn't mean to worry you" I let out a small sob as his arms wrap around me and a hear a small sniffle "I'm ok. I promise I'm ok." I say softly as I hear car doors shut. I lean back a put my hands on the sides of his face making him look me in the eyes "You thought me to protect myself Barry. Don't ever doubt that. And if I slip up? Rafe will be at my back and he wouldn't ever let something bad happen to me. I'm sorry I didn't call" I say and his eyes glance to Rafe. He seems satisfied as he nods. "Ok. It's ok Bo. Go get dressed we're working with guns today" he says softly and I kiss his forehead before disappearing into the house.

There are 6 sniper rifles lined up on a long table in the backyard with different targets in the distance. The longest is half a mile away. Sarah stands shocked by the table looking at the guns in wonder, "What is all this for?" She asks."It's a long story and one I'm not ready to tell. But I didn't just crash out for no reason a few years ago. Something happened to me, and now I train so I don't have to worry about ever being in the position again, " I say, and she looks at me. I can see the wheels turning, and something seems to click, but she just nods. "Have you ever shot a gun before?" I ask, and she shakes her head. A slow, wicked smile spreads across my face. "Wanna learn?" I ask, and to my surprise, a matching smile forms on her mouth "Oh that's trouble, " Rafe grumbles, and Sarah flips him off."You guys good out here?" He asks, and I wave both him and Barry off. They disappear into the house, and I pull out my phone and dail a number I know from heart "whats cookin good lookin?" JJs bright voice sounds through the phone. "Come over," I say simply. "Yeah. Come over!" Sarah chimes in."Oh hell. Yall better not be hanging out without me! I'll be there in a few!" He says, and I can tell he is rushing around. "Bet. I love you, drive safely. " I laugh as I hang up. "Alright, Sarah Cameron. I'm gonna teach you how to shoot someone dead from half a mile away, " I say, claping my hands together. For the next fifteen minutes, I got through the steps of gun safety and how to properly handle one and how to safely shoot it without the kick back hurting you. For the last five of those minutes, I've watched Sarah hit every target she has amid at "Alright girl. It's time to move to a different one. You've hit the closest target every time. So, a bigger gun? Further target. This one is a bit different. Kick back is harder, but you hold it the same. Let me show you, " I say as I put my ear plugs back in and line up my half a mile target. I take a deep breath as I click the safety off and cock back the hammer. Sarah watches intently as I pull the trigger and red dust puffs up out of the target to signal that I hit the kill zone "now you try" I say as I move to the side. She misses the first 3 and I can see the frustration growing "breathe Sarah. It's a difficult target. Just take a breath and steady yourself. Don't search for the shot. Let the shot come to you" I say gently and I see her straighten and then take a few long deep breaths before she pulls the trigger. Red dust floats into the air as she clicks the safety on and stands up and whirls to face me "Did you see that!" She says pointing and I can't help the overwhelming pride that blooms in my chest "Oh I absolutely did! Fucking impressive as hell!" I say before she grabs me and my body immediately tenses at the sudden forceful contact. She let's me go as my body goes ridged.

She takes two steps back. "I'm sorry. Are you ok?" She asks gently, and I shake off the panic "Yes I'm ok." I breathe out." You were sexually assaulted, weren't you? " she says, and my eyes snap to hers."How did you know?" I say lowly as paranoia creeps up in the back of my mind. She looks down at her hands. "I was as well. At the time, I didn't see it as assault because we were in a relationship. But Topper never took no for an answer, and towards the end of our relationship, he would hurt me in ways I've not even dealt with yet, " she says quietly, and my blood runs cold."Topper?" I ask, and she nods. I close the space between us. "Topper hurt me too. Him and two other people. Topper gave me the scare on my back, " I say, and she looks confused, so I turn around and pull up my shirt, and she gasps."3 years ago. I picked him up from a boat house, and he was covered in blood. He said it was fish and that his nose was broken because he was drunk and slipped on the boat. He also had a cut right under his stomach. He said he cut himself on accident, " she says in shock as I turn back around. I grab her hands. "Listen to me. Rafe doesn't know. He knows I was hurt but he doesn't know the rest and I'm assuming he doesn't know how you were treated either or Topper would surely be dead by now" I say quickly as I hear JJs bike speeding towards us "Please don't tell him. I'm not ready for him to know yet, " I say desperately as tears fall down my cheeks. I gently reach up and whipe Sarah's own tears away, and she nods. I look her in the eyes and let an rage and pain shine through. "I'm going to kill him for what he did to us, Sarah. He doesn't get to live after this. He is a sick individual who needs to be taken out. And I am the executioner, " I say fiercely."I'm going to help you, " she says, matching my tone, and I can't help but smile, thinking that crazy definitely runs in the Cameron family. We're so caught up in our own conversation that I didn't hear the bike pull up. I open my mouth to say more when I hear JJs voice. "You know how long I've waited to see my two favorite girls in one place? Wait. What's going on?

[vegantinatalist]

where is your header image from? The art is so pretty!

a manga called aku no hana. one of my favorites. i recommend the anime. cool experimental rotoscoped style. it covers the first half of the manga only which imo is completely fine because the second half of the manga went on way too long and made no sense.

spoiler below, read after you watch the anime if you do

i just pretend that at the end of the anime, certain things from the manga happen but not all. nakamura took his offer, and asked him to do increasingly illegal things before having a breakdown and saying "this will never help because there is no other side. because no matter what, i cant disappear". then she asks him to commit a big public suicide with her. just as theyre about to burn themselves alive in the town square, she pushes him off the ledge and says "ill go alone", both because she never really gave a fuck about him and doesnt want him to be with her in her suicide and also because she kinda pities him. i pretend she actually died there. in the manga her suicide is sabotaged but the only reason she lives is for a very bizarre kinda meaningless ending, and shes miserable in it.

i lived a very similar story to nakamura, right down to the sabotaged suicide (mine was way closer to succeeding than hers though) and because like her i am forced to live a long drawn out miserable meaningless epilogue, i prefer to pretend she actually died and he just went on to live the meaningless life of a dude who wanted to be the cool deep hero for the goth chick but alas had no actual thoughts or emotions or intelligence and has to live with that fact for the rest of his dumb moid life.

i LOVE that the story doesnt get into the reasons why shes so upset or suicidal. because you dont "need a reason". the world is fucking hell and some people like me are just more aware of it and become disillusioned much younger. we get angry about it and do a lot of bizarre things as we try to understand it or deny it. i completely understand all her actions and did very similar things. like ive never seen a character so like me in my life. i even think shes the same as me in a sexual sense- the page on my banner is when she is responding to someone confessing their lust. she is repulsed and angry by how everyone is so brainless and thinks only of sex and is desperate to find anyone who thinks like her. she calls herself a deviant and a pervert but i dont think she means it in a sexual sense. she is just different. she gets excited to see he is a sexual pervert, but only because she is seeing another deviation from the norm, which indicates something possibly likeminded. it isnt the sexual part but the deviant part that intrigues her. so when she discovers him in a sexual situation, she doesnt care about that part of it-only that its nauseatingly normal and hes just an average substanceless moid. people think shes schizophrenic because of the last chapter, but i dont think she is. i hallucinated at that age too but it didnt mess with my awareness of reality at all. i was just psychotically miserable and very aware of it. i dont think shes mentally ill or abused. just extremely out of place in this system.

if you think her actions are unhinged, my reasons for similar behavior were that i did not want to accept that this world really just is as stupid as it is. i didnt think it could be fixed, but i wanted to at least prove it was something not quite so degrading and impossible to take seriously. i wanted to believe mens perversions were not just room temp iq behavior but something more psychologically motivated that they were either hiding or unaware of and ignoring/denying. i either wanted to provoke a normie to develop real emotional depth and thus radical behaviors like me, or i wanted to see abusers stop acting like such incapable stupid cringe toddlers and admit they were doing it on purpose AND that they had intelligent respectable reasons for it, reasons i could appeal to and thus convince them to do different extreme things that struck at the root of problems we'd share. in the end i just had to face disillusionment. that this world is stupid and heading nowhere, is unbelievably dangerous, and everyone is hurting each other while pretending society is going somewhere because they are cavepeople infants, no one will ever be aware of it except some other women ill never be able to live with irl, and im fucked.

[labgrown-diamond-ring]

Embrace Timeless Elegance with an 18k Yellow Gold Cushion Cut Lab Grown Diamond Engagement Ring

In the world of fine jewelry, some pieces are more than just accessories—they're symbols of love, commitment, and timeless beauty. The 18k Yellow Gold Cushion Cut Lab Grown Diamond Engagement Ring is one such piece, offering a perfect blend of classic elegance and modern ethics.

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The cushion cut diamond is a true classic, known for its square shape with rounded corners that resemble a pillow—hence the name. This cut has been a favorite for over a century, loved for its ability to capture light and create a soft, romantic sparkle. It’s a cut that feels both vintage and modern, making it perfect for those who appreciate a mix of old and new.

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Final Thoughts

Choosing an engagement ring or a special piece of jewelry is a deeply personal decision. The 18k Yellow Gold Cushion Cut Lab Grown Diamond Engagement Ring offers a unique blend of tradition, beauty, and ethical responsibility, making it a perfect choice for those who want their jewelry to reflect their love and values. Whether for an engagement, a wedding anniversary, or any special moment, this ring is a stunning symbol of a love that’s meant to last forever.

[nektanewyork8]

Sparkle and Sustainability: The Growth of the Lab-Grown Diamond Engagement Rings

Introduction While scrambling in the bridal jewelry maze, the quest for a stunning engagement ring implies a multi-facet compromise between aesthetic, financial, and ethical concerns. Given the fact that we increasingly see environmental and social problems, we get more and more couples choosing lab grown diamonds as a substitution for traditional mined diamonds having the same stunning effect and being a socially responsible choice at the same time. Through this blog, we will unveil why lab-made big diamond engagement rings are progressively popular, given the match between their glamorous appearance and the level of environmentally conscious choice, which more and more women worry about in their jewelry choices. Lab-Grown Diamonds: The Hiatus of the Fascination Shimmering Ethical Elegance The engagement ring has been a symbol of love since ancient times; now, commitment and values are also involved in it for modern and sophisticated couples. The most important ethical component of the lab-grown diamonds is their minimal environmental impact and relative freedom from the so called ethical concerns that surround mining traditional diamonds, for instance labor exploitation and money to fund conflicts. The notion of wearing a ring made of precious stones, be it a simple or an orb, has always been a woman's dream. she dreams of it being both aesthetically appealing and courageous. Large stones transform person's attitudes and invade their subconscious, encouraging them to aim big. An erroneous belief about lab-grown diamonds is that they are not able to match the size and sparkle of the diamonds that occur naturally On the other hand, applications of diamond-growing technology are so far from reality that they break the myth. The diamonds, grown in a lab, can be produced on a medium-term basis at the size that is not forfeited on the quality, therefore inspiring women to enjoy a greater catch without large financial commitments. With lab diamonds for sale, size doesn't matter at all in terms of shine. Large pieces come out as good as small ones and looks even more eye-catching.

Engagement Ring Trends: While barriers are still looming, women are steadily gaining traction towards equality and progression in many sectors traditionally dominated by men. Jesse Ramirez deals with another challenge when her mother leaves her the family jewelry store and makes her choose a color--pink diamonds--that isn't part of the traditional jewelry store inventory. When it comes to engagement ring for women they want it special and in the way they want. So it is that women choose unique and unconventional designs that portray their personalities. These are pink diamonds, which bear some romantic coo and also are among the rarest gems and thus have become a favorite for women who want a unique ring brighter than the brightest that stands out from the crowd. In vitro pink diamonds not only b will provide luxury and acknowledgement, but they will give women chance for a custom made model of love which is shiny and genuine. Personalized Perfection Another one of many ongoing trend in engagement ring making is the customization. Women participation level in the design process is getting higher now than ever, with rings that are original and maybe even one-of-a-kind. Synthetic diamonds only widen the choice of design options possible for our clients between a huge number of shapes, colors and settings. Whether she chooses a simple solitaire or a vintage-inspired halo ring, the lady adores the liberty of hand-creating a ring that illustrates her personal taste and would testify to her legend. Trends indicate that contemporary bridal jewelry is becoming more multi-functional and personal, making it a perfect expression of individuality and love.

Sustainable Glamour With sustainability increasingly being the main influencer when these purchase decisions are made, the number of consumers considering lab-grown diamonds for their engagement rings will significantly rise. Women as the biggest trendsetters are the ones making ethical and eco friendly options of jewelry more popular slowly switching into beauty with attention paid to nature. Whether it is "I do" or "forever," couples of today can certainly, without adding semantic smiles to their faces, do it with the confidence that their eternal love is the cutest as humanly possible. Empowering Choices In a globalized world where options are aplenty, women are being guided to thinking critically and selecting the way of life that they enjoy. Lab-created diamond rings for women's engagement give opportunity to choose such a ring that shows not only their love, but their willingness to live side by side with Nature and take on social responsibility. Women who choose the lab-grown diamonds make a statement that beauty should have no price tag on the environment, to say no to sacrificing the conscience growth.

Conclusion: With the development of the bridal industry, lab-grown diamonds rings have the bridal industry experience new days, charming women with their ethics and independence, and shining forever. Ranging from grandiose diamond models, engagement ring pink diamond masterpieces to sandy rings that speak to the idea of love, sustainability and originality, these rings are a reflection of an era that comes with new understandings and unique experiences. There are couples who look forward towards more beautiful and brighter future with every stone they have in their eyes since the look would be not only glamorous but honorable as well. Therefore, with towards "yes" foreverring without equaling to your love, why not choose the one that sparkle just as brightly as your love.

[zoogies]

FREAKING FREAK i accidentally posted this to my side blog, let's ignore that and do a second take:

OMG!!! thank you so much for tagging me <33, i've never done one of these before!! i shall try my best 🫡

favorite color: oooh this one is a toughie!! it honestly depends on my mood -- big fan of darker greens, blue is always a safe bet, i love all shades of pink, but i'm becoming increasingly more fond of pastel yellow too?

currently reading: i've been steadily reading Now and Then by Kamiiruec on AO3 (mclennon fic), and I just finished Persepolis II for school... I need to read a book for fun :( i tried reading The Silmarillion some time ago but my brain couldn't handle all of that alongside school. i really want to read I, Me, Mine, maybe i'll do that over summer

last song: well, i've been listening to She Came In Through The Bathroom Window (the beatles, duh) on loop for the past 30 minutes or so, and before that i think it was The Back Seat Of My Car from Ram (best album ever in my humble opinion) i recently downloaded airbuds and i've realized just how repetitive my music taste is. but alas, i like what i like.

last film: ooh i think it was this kamal hassan film i was watching with my mom this weekend called Nayakan? i was liking it a lot but i think we stopped watching around halfway through because it was a sunday night and i needed to get to bed at an earthly hour. before that, it was Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham (i was making my friend, who i'm trying to get into bollywood, watch it)

last series: Get Back!! not sure if that properly counts but I'm gonna count it anyways. absolutely glorious, will be watching again quite soon, it was INSANE seeing the worth ethic of the beatles and just the whole process of rehearsing and recording was so cool

sweet/salty/savory: oh man this one changes quite frequently. deep down, probably savory, i love food that has that sweet-spicy-salty zing to it. HUGE fan of balsamic glaze i put that stuff on EVERYTHING, and of course anything my amma makes (she makes her own spice mixes and thy're all absolutely AMAZING). i have been going through quite a sweet fix, though, since finding a big old jug of maple syrup in the pantry. yeah, i'm pretty bad at giving decisive answers, if you couldn't already tell.

tea or coffee: tea, EASILYYY (there i go, contradicting myself, giving quite the decisive answer). i make myself tea with milk and sugar/honey every day after school :D

working on: (studying for my finals and student questionnaires to prep for uni applications😥😥😥) but in terms of fun creative stuff, my beatles-inspired band, the bottlecap boys. they're dumb and awful and are proving to be quite the distraction from the stuff i ought to be working on right now, but i do love them so. i'm slowly cranking out character sheets and written lore, so keep your eyes peeled (ew i hate the imagery that saying evokes but you know)

tags: okay, so i've been hardly more than a fly on the wall on tumblr until right about now, but i'll tag @balrogballs and @punny7 (no pressure to participate if you don't want to, of course), and anyone else who wants to do this!! also people who like my blog or just wants to reach out, please do :D

Nine People I Wish I Knew Better

i've never gotten tagged in these before, it's kinda exciting :D -> and so a very special thanks to: @rose-margaritas n @robyngoesrogue

Favorite Colour: green!!! or grey, or sage

Currently Reading: Like We're Gonna Die Young (Again) by RoseGanymede95 [go read it, it's amazing >:3c]

Last Song: E.T. by Katie Perry

Last Film: i don't really watch movies that often, so i couldn't say ^óWo^ |u u |__

Last Series: last one i watched all the way through was Étoile, and i'm currently debating watching Red, White, and Royal Blue :3

Sweet//Salty//Savory: i prefer more savory things, but my drinks are sweet enough to give ya cavities hehe

Tea or Coffee?: my sociology teacher told me that if i replaced all the coffee i drank with hard drugs i'd have a serious addiction problem

Working On: ooh... so much actually.. so so much. i've got a post-canon Étoile fic i've gotten like- halfway through [featuring jayenne AND gabias] a pokemon Étoile au [bc i love pokemon] a stobotnik fic i'm struggling with, two wbk fics, a link click fic i'm stuck on, QUITE a few polychampions fics, annnd a few more in the beginning stages of fleshing ;3

Tagging [i hope it's not a bother]: @sun-shine-lolli-pops @noteofjoy @technically-human @justcallmeemily @littlepocketuniverse @zephie-zee @candy-coated-eyes @notthemonthbutmarch @starguardianniom

[thescrapbookingscientist]

Bimonthly Media Roundup

- This is How You Lose the Time War (Books) - A quick read but a memorable one, this novella had some really beautiful and heart wrenching prose and a pretty unique setting about two inhuman (immortal?) rival time traveling secret agents slowly falling in love via increasingly intricate letters left for each other across time and space. The small details we got about their respective societies and how they work were pretty cool, as was the overall enemies who taunt each other to rivals who understand each other to lovers who would die for each other pipeline. I generally prefer my media to be longer and more character/plot driven, but short and introspective is good sometimes as well and I appreciate it for feeling like a full and uncompromised package.

- Tiger Tiger (Webcomic) - I've been meaning to check this out for awhile now, so when I saw that the first book had been physically published I snapped it up and wow, really should have gotten into this sooner it's a blast. The art is gorgeous, pretty much all the central characters are excellent, and the supernatural lore so far has been really intriguing. Period ship-adventure fantasies are a pretty good genre to start with, and it's great to see one with an enthusiastic inventor/scientist who gives PowerPoint-esque presentations to her crew about the cellular structure of sea sponges. Incredible. Though my favorite has to be Remy as his combination of gay angst over falling for his himbo best friend, being a genuinely good, caring older brother, and trying his best to be a decent person while simultaneously dealing with the high expectations placed on him really makes me feel for the guy. Definitely adding to my "eagerly awaiting updates for" list.

- Crazy Ex Girlfriend (TV) - My sister and I finally made it to the finale, which was pretty satisfying all things considered. I'm still shocked by how good this show managed to be, with it's amazing songs, great humor, and surprisingly healthy portrayal of mental health issues and the road to self improvement via therapy, routine, medication, and taking responsibility for your actions without spiraling into self-deprecation (and of course how hard this road is). I have my nitpicks with it of course and know that the show won't be to everyone's tastes given how "theater" it can be, but I think it said everything it wanted to say and did so incredibly well, it's become a new favorite of mine at least. Gotta give it to Rebecca, she is definitely one of the characters of all time.

- Cabinet of Curiosities (TV) - Not super far in this as I've had quite a bit of other things going on, but I do appreciate the concept and think more purely episodic mini-series should be made. So far I've seen the first episode which was an interesting concept and good set-up but a bit lackluster in it's payoff and the second which was fun in a cheesy way (hah) but did kind of drag in the second half. I've heard the best is yet to come so looking forward to that.

- The Locked Tomb Series (Books) - Nothing new to say but still love these books. Counting down the days to Alecto.

- One Piece Live Action (TV) - Convinced my sister to watch this with me after being surprisingly impressed by the trailers and uh yeah actually it's somehow good actually? There's plenty to complain about if you are looking to do so of course, there was issues with the lighting, the Navy subplot wasn't bad but took too much screen time away from the straw hats, and some of the emotional moments didn't hit as hard with much less build up, but honestly I was impressed by what we got. The casting was spot on and all the actors did a great job, they kept in a lot of the goofy/ fun presentation and world details from the manga, the new content and way they weaved the story together was really well done, the action scenes were neat, and I just think they nailed the spirit of the finding best friends and setting off on an adventure together. Shout out especially to how Sanji was written and acted to be less comically skirt chasing and more of a genuinely sweet guy, the added 'trying on outfits' scene where Nami tries and fails to get Zoro and Luffy to compliment her/care about fashion, and the creative set designs for pretty much every location from the mansion to the tangerine grove to Buggy's stage (as terribly lit as they were). I realize there is no way they will adapt the complete story this way, but I hope it get's a second season at least, they deserve it.

- Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice (Video Game) - The final Ace Attorney mainline game, from case one I was already enjoying it a lot more than the Investigation games and honestly so far it hasn't let me down. I'm enjoying the new location and it's insane rules, the old characters are well written here and play off each other well, I surprisingly like a lot of the new characters, and I appreciate how much the cases tie into the plot and/or characters we actually care about. The only bummer so far is the new prosecutor, I'm sure he has his baggage same as all the others but boy is he not fun at all, not even in a fun to hate way, he's just an annoying religious zealot who's exceedingly arrogant despite being wrong 100% of the time. Like I don't care if you're mean, but be mean in a fun way dude.

- Monthly Girls Nozaki Kun (Manga) - Ah yes Nozaki Kun, not so much a romantic comedy as a comedy built upon the concept of romance being inherently ridiculous. Not a bad egg in this hilariously stacked cast, this remains one of the few manga that I wholeheartedly find hilarious, so I like to come back to it from time to time to get some free serotonin. Special shout out to Kashima for not only embodying the overly capable handsome girl chick magnet archetype but also doing it while being an overconfident, overly competitive, lovestruck dork ass loser at the same time. Honestly the whole cast are idiot losers and I love them deeply for it.

- Genshin Impact (Video Games) - Thanks to my friend I've picked this back up and oh geez I can feel the obsession incoming already. I've mostly just been messing around and trying to get my footing so far since the last time I played was over a year ago, but I'm about to start the second countries main story which I hear is pretty good. I really like the discovery aspect of the game as well as many of the character designs (same body/face syndrome notwithstanding) and have liked the story so far, though I have a few gripes with the experience too. The leveling system is pretty annoying and I don't appreciate the intentionally confusing character rolling system even if getting a random character is kind of fun. If there's a weapon only banner there should also be a character only banner, my experience so far has been rolling 23+ times and only getting crappy weapons. Combat is also not as fun as it could be given how over leveled the enemies are compared to my own level locked characters. Anyway, I have a feeling this will keep it's spot here for awhile so I can say more later.

Listening to: Sway Cover and Eat Your Young Cover by Reinaeiry, Insane by Black Gryph0n, Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths, Comfort Zone by Fukase, Two Princes by Spin Doctors, Money Game Pt 2 by Ren, What About Now by Daughtry, Bad as the Boys by Tove Lo, Adore by Jasmine Thompson, Undress Rehearsal by Timeflies, Self Esteem by The Offspring, Lent by Autoheart.