#so I stayed up late doing nothing...
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Viridian trainers for day 5 of spesilverweek! they are my most beloved but Lance is a cursed character who is impossible to draw or portray in any way to me
#idk what's up with him but I have smth like 20 different scrapped things that contains these 3#and yet I almost always finish my doodles of just Yellow and Silver.... sorry Lance#he's such a funny guy to me esp as part of this trio I'm sorry I always give up on you#anyway yeah no I'm so late bc I wasn't happy with this so I wanted to draw smth else but I was doing chwismas today and was too tired#so I stayed up late doing nothing...#I so badly wanted to shit on Green's dumb cape too (affectionate)#spesilverweek#pokespe#pokespe silver#my art#pokespe yellow#pokespe lance#I'm just gonna tag everyone like that I guess#anyway I feel like having a Viridian trainers prompt was a gift to my soul but I rly struggled I'm so sorry guys one day...#pokemon
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alhaitham 🤝 me
feb 11th born kaveh stans
#IM LATE 😭#was too busy doing nothing on my actual bday oops#stayed up all night to finish this so gonna pass out now#genshin impact#haikaveh#al haitham#kaveh#happy birthday alhaitham#!!#also kaveh was supposed to be cropped and blurred actually#but my (kaveh simp) friend convinced me not too#and hell im a kaveh simp too#so who am i to deny her
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Thoughts on mtt
they should travel the multiverse together and see and experience a more peaceful life than all of them ever have (⁎˃ᴗ˂⁎)
also they should get to gnaw at each other like rabies infected dogs 🧡🙏
#tricule asks#mtt when the only conflict they have now is with eachother and themselves#or really the conflict with each other is partially caused by themselves too x3#i just think that their character dynamic with each other is so complex and intricate and also very flexible#like you can really go with any route as long as you can justify it and thankfully the mtt have MANY justifications#i feel the only thing limiting that is if i were unable to adapt my mindset to consider them in different settings and emotional states :3#aside from that?!?! mtt are truly infinite in possibilities i will be so for real#they are my favorite characters yes but they are also my favorite instruments to paint a story where the tools creating are also the focus#holy Trio i love the Murder Time Trio i need them all to explode#triglycercule (of course) has ideas for stuff to do for them!!!#was thinking a series of drawings where i just capture moments from their multiverse travels in my mtt take#like in hi3 they sometimes do these art series where the main trio tour different countries and i was thinking that but mtt and multiverse#and then i was thinking of a mttpoly animation meme.......because im stupid and silly like that i love mttpoly#the she was walking around with a loaded shotgun one would be nice to propagandize dust with a gun methinks 😈#also i think making ship animation memes with 3 people instead of 2 would be a wonderful way to experiment#the great part about mttpoly is that because there's 3 of them it never feels stagnant or boring bc if you get sick of 2.....ADD THE 3RD!!!#also also also i was thinking of the mtt meeting the satsujinki or really just the touken-kamui mtt timeline#touken-kamui MY GOAT is remaking the mtt concept which is so so so SOSOSOSO awesome to me#and reading the youtube community posts about it gave me inspiration on this idea i think their reactions to it would be fun to see#and also further elaboration on the satsujunki was given so you know ME (the only touken-kamui's mtt fan) i was overjoyed#the only issue: SCHOOL!!!!!! the bane of everything creative artful and joyful 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔#in an ideal world i would be staying up to draw or write or do a creative project#however this is not an ideal world and i unfortunately have to stay up to do my math and chem homework. it's so over 💔#i swear guys once summer hits......its over for ALL OF YOU......mtt take over beginning june 20th trust#spring break means nothing because i wont be home (to my dismay) i will be forced to go on a family trip 💔💔💔#anyways off to answer all my other asks FINALLY before i begin doing my work because i really feel bad that i answer asks so late 😭😭😭
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this one's for all the yuri enjoyers out there — nsft under cut

meronia event prompt(s): scar

#death note#mello#near#meronia#meroniaevent#fem mello#fem near#i had fun w this one!! i love drawing yuri even though i dont do it nearly as much as i want lol#also i love drawing bush thumbs up emoji#i let the lines be messier bc my hands have been a little sore and i am not in the mood for linework#and in honor of yuri day i should get to do whatever i want forever peace and love on planet yuri#anyway i didnt know what to do w near's hair but decided to keep it short bc i didnt want to cover her back for composition reasons#sorry for posting so late i woke up at like 10am which is late for me as of late and had school shit to do boooo#also im in the mood to talk so i made a pot pie today (no meat im vegetarian) and i followed no recipes and used my heart to make#it and i did so well it fucks so hard my heart always leads me to greatness and recipes do nothing for me bc im a culinary genius#<-blatantly untrue but we stay silly#oh!!! and also i got a thing in the mail the thing being a weevil plushie i ordered a bit back that i bought on a whim that i should not#have bought bc im saving my money but actually he makes my life a million bajillion times better and i love him dearly#anyway meronia event is making my life so much better i feel 100% better than i did 2 days ago and hopefully the joy this brings#me will stay w me for long enough to get through the rest of my summer classes bc they are killing me lol. my current ones are ending#in like a week or smth but i have 2 more in july *sobs* all this just to graduate a semester early#k anyway enjoy the yuri ...or dont. im not the boss of u. ig
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I've watched the reintegration scene SEVEN TIMES now and I still get full body chills from it..
The slight change in his voice when he says "you mean what quarter?" is INSANE!!! Ever so slightly more child-like and higher in pitch than all his previous answers ... Fucking 😭 And then the editing.. how was his posing so precise despite the costume changes ?? The precision angles and exact same expressions. The scene and episode ending with the phrase "who are you?" The same phrase that starts the show?? (And again when Mark first meets Reghabi)
SHOCK. AWE. WONDER.
#sidebar I will never NEVER forgive Twitter for spoiling it for me#it was still the DAY the episode aired#opened Twitter and BAM the very first thing I see#no tags no spoiler warning#nothing#I shut the app so fast#but it was too late#I knew he would reintegrate at the end of E3 before getting to watch it for myself#maybe this is extreme idk I'm autistic for reference but I felt sick and cried and stayed up all night#because I was so upset it was spoiled#due to this experience I have a new rule lmao#no social media NOT EVEN A PEEK until I've seen all severance content as it comes out#not giving the internet another chance to do that to me again#I have fully learned my lesson holy shit that sucked#saw a comment earlier saying they're sad they can't watch the ep for the first time again#and got jealous#because they got to EXPERIENCE A FIRST TIME#I KNEW IT WAS COMING THE WHOLE EPISODE UGGHHHHHHHH#anyway just had to whine and cry about that for a bit#I know it's my fault :( I know better now#I've never been hyperfixated on an actively airing tv show before in my defense#it's always been on things that literally can't be spoiled#where everything I could possibly learn about the interest was sought out and welcomed#wow I am the yapper right now I'm done lmao#mine
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never underestimate how lonely I can feel
#lemon man talks#Ok so#something bad happened.#Which has nothing to do with the fact that I’m lonely rn#But it did ruin my mood royally so now I’m miserable#I miss my friends#i wanna talk to them again where are you guys I miss you so much#And I miss my room#I miss my books even if I feel like they’re observing me and talking about me behind my back#I miss my plushies#I miss my clothes#And I fucking MISS MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!#My two irl best friends are in Portugal and fucking employed + about to start college so I can’t hang out with them anymore#And I’m. Having very mixed feelings about my school friends#I don’t think they like me at all and I often feel excluded#And I miss bett because they haven’t been on the server lately#And I miss Will and I miss Kou and I miss Sunny and I miss#I miss everyone so much#And my life could be over this week#I haven’t made any friends here in 2 months and I have roughly one month left before I go back to Brazil#I don’t think I’m making any friends at all#Specially after today#If anything this is gonna make me isolate even more#I’m so. Angry.#I’m always so angry and miserable#I want some time alone but I have a roommate#And I wanna go to the movies with my two best friends but I can’t#I wanna play uno on the cafe tables in the middle of the mall without actually ordering anything at all again#I wanna stay up until 2am in the stardew valley ass guest house in fucking ratones again#I wanna bully my friend for having a microphone that sounds like a robot underwater
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have you read or do you have any opinions on ROTE?
omg i havent even finished farseer let alone the whole thing. i read assassin's apprentice years ago but never finished the series 😭😭😭 i recently (semi recent. like five months ago) bought the second book but unfortunately it has been living on my dresser. spine uncracked. ever since. i know so many people who love love love robin hobb so im inclined to think well of it but i remember very little from the first book unfortunately. i'll get there one day 😔🙏🏾
#it was literally like. i had such a shit day at work that i pulled over at a bookstore on my way home and bought 1 paperback fantasy book#cause i knew if anything could make me feel better it was 1 paperback fantasy book and that was book 2#i feel bad that i havent cracked into it yet but my attention span is so fucked rn that like#i cant read ANYTHING unless i one shot it. like with wat the only reason i was able to get through it was bc i didnt get up until it was do#im finding it very difficult to read for a few hours every night consistently lately#actually yeah on friday nights when i stay home i should just do nothing but read. but i am never home#asks
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CLAMP exhibition goodies came in the mail today! preordered as much as i could reasonably afford at the time but there was still quite a bit i wanted but didn't get lol. very happy with the midnight chocolate cake? mug. the blind bags are reused art which i usually don't reach for but the art is incredible and they had a BIG range for characters and illustrations for them so i was rly hoping for a lot of variety. they're rly high quality and cute but i got a dupe within 5 pulls and didn't get a single meki (or other character for that matter 😭) which is a shame cause non watanuki or yuuko characters tend to get fuckall and the resale market for holic goods is a bit fucked cause most of it is limited edition from events and stuff. if i see anyone selling them cheap later i want to acquire lots of mekis and to acquire merch of more characters in general tbh but that's a financial task for later. anyway themmmmmm ~




#if anyone wasnt aware the premium pin is of my favourite special key visual illust (ie: not a manga panel)#looove it its so met gala to me#xxxholic#i need to acquire more merch but i have a big wishlist for items and tend to prioritise ones that are#super discounted or bigger items or wearables or like hyper specific#so i mignt not get much for a while unless ppl sell big joblots or like#i can throw it onto an ongoing order as a bonus#i love dw equally but lately i tend to bring up meki more cause far less ppl do#and it maddens me that he isnt popular LMAOOO#that and for merch he barely gets any#and thats saying nothing for the girls...#the non yuuko girls#yuuko stays booked and busy as she should#she may not be my favourite holic character but i hold them all to such insane standards of appreciation so shes very near and dear to me#i have her big ass scale figure i take this lifestyle very seriously#cant wait to get my own place and get healthy so i can display her...
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I'm the [tumblr] person who overuses comments in tags.
[tumblr] autosaved my tags even though I used them once.
Look in the tags and have a laugh.
(Possible tag game?) @author-of-the-year @jenumarts @thonethatflies620 @iamunabletothinkofablogname @ all my mutuals
#yeah i would've done something about it but now it's too late#he is not happy to be there.#why torture me like this#why all are my favorite characters evil???#like bro why does it sound so ominous#“fedora kink” bro wtf#why is the universe so cruel#you're that mutual that i don't even know why i followed you#and i never played deltarune so idk why i am even doing this#why can't i have them#i like to imagine that humanity wasn't started by adam but by lucifer bc why not#uh is it not normal to chew on nonedible things?#damn i can't do russian or italian because those were already done#also pigeons? damn when i'm at a city i usually chase them#oh my goodness i love this#this is why i love this deer man <3#i love this deer man (aroace ically)#the autism is autisming#goddamn my femboy obsession is acting up#why is everybody i see autistic these days??? wait i think i might be neurodivergent nvm#nah cause why is he trying so hard lmao#don't ask me how i know#so i usually stay up late on my computer until i'm tired enough to finally go to sleep and not wait hours in bed doing nothing
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gotta love my mother's chest pains coming back to the point where even she called the doctors. fun
#she's not going. hospital is too expensive and she's not staying in there. that's what she said#but goddamn it i feel so fucking selfish for saying i cant do this much longer#im going to sleep every night worried that she's not going to wake up because she just says “it goes away”#she's been better about it and promised to go to the doctor if it got too horrible#i don't know what to do. and everything has been getting so stressful just in general that#those random moments of panic that genuinely takes me down (my chest and everything burns and i can't see. fun.)#have returned and if im being completely honest the urges have come back. i can't control anything lately#and it fucking scares me#im not going to do anything. at least im gonna try like hell not to#im just tired and sick and stressed and i just don't know what to do anymore#nothing's fun nothing seems worth it even sunny days aren't don't pretty anymore#augh
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I want to be really obnoxious and tell people over and over that I just wrote over half of something I've been thinking about for like a week but I don't Actually want to be obnoxious so: i made something shortish and (hopefully) I'm going to publish it tomorrow/today or the day after and that's all I'm saying about it. That's it. Done. Over. Bye.
#yay!#its not super impressive but IM proud of it so far#its mundane but i think its sweet#if i accidentally lie and it doesnt get done today/tomorrow or the day after its because i stayed up super late rushing to finish this#stupid review folder thats due on thursday for my upcoming exam friday#the exam that i havent shut up about for like a week#also bc i have to force (not really force) my friend to be my beta reader and idk when he'll get around to that#so#its a very soft due date#not guaranteed#hopefully! but i never know#you also never know#we never know together#i hope you like Shou#it was going to be tome-centric but idk how i would do that#we know like next to nothing ab her childhood and her family#WHATEVER tome will be in the next thing i write if there is a next thing
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Stayed up too late and now I’m scared
#I’m fine. I’ll be fine#I’m gonna dieeeeee I will be behind on school work!!!#actually anxiety canceled it’s now time to be a bitch#not even really but this person I went on a weird date with I thought it’d be chill if we stayed friends and I straight up don’t like them#first date was fine. we talked a lot and they spent the night BUT we didn’t have sex or even kiss#we cuddled in the morning a little but that was also weird. since then I have not loved our hangs#I feel like they aren’t nice Enough to service workers and make weird judgy comments and the last time we were out their backpack was sooo-#in the way of the staff at the restaurant and it didn’t need to be and they just like let their hair get EVERYWHERE and it’s nasty#I showed up 20 mins late to our last hang#I barely text them back and it’s ALWAYS them reaching out first and I do one text responses#but they just texted asking to get drinks on Sunday if I’m bored. NO? also I think they didn’t let me pay on the first date#one of us has to or it’s not a date to me. we take turns or we’re not even friends#and we’re not really friends the hangs are not that fun like maybe I’m just too much of a sweetheart but. the conversations are dry#its like coworker talk to me. that’s not fully true it’s sometimes more interesting but it’s also so nothing#whatever I could communicate better but I think I’ll just ignore the text bc the only thing I want to send rn is ‘busy’#I wish they would drop it but also that makes me feel kind of hypocritical as someone who tries to reach out to people a lot#also for those who don’t know I almost always fuck on the first date - the fact that they came home n we didn’t have any sex?#we even talked abt practicing safe sex so we acknowledged that we both have it. we just didn’t. I dont wanna with them but still how boring#‘if you’re feeling bored n wanna get drinks again or smth’ shut uuuuup!!! i don’t know you and I don’t respect your time!#they deserve better bc i literally don’t care abt them or respect their time. like if i were them id drop me.#thats not negative self talk or anything either i just have been a bad friend cuz I don’t care. so go talk to sm1 else!
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Hello! I am here to ask about your Dior headcanons re: the political cohesion of Doriath. 👀
Oh man, I didn't expect anyone to actually take me up on that!
(Okay so I got partway into writing this and then realized I should probably note up front that I tend to stick to the Silm (& LOTR/the Hobbit where applicable, but they... aren't, here) as the most authoritative version of canon, and I can get into why and where the nuances/exceptions are there (I do say tend to stick, it's not hard and fast!), but that's mostly a side note here: the point is simply that I don't really factor other drafts or the poetic Leithian into my take on Doriath, Thingol, Dior, etc, just what we're told in the actual Silm. I also read the Silm as an in-universe history text compiled by in-universe scholars, who, being people, are going to have their own biases and blind spots, even when they're doing their best to be accurate!)
So, this is a two-part thing: #1, there's the political cohesion of Doriath before & at the time of Thingol's death, which i talked about in the tags of the post that prompted this ask but is kind of necessary as context for the Dior part to make sense, and #2, there's the actual Dior headcanons. Both of these parts are very long because I've never really seen anyone else suggest any of this stuff and I want to explain where I'm coming from thoroughly enough that it actually makes sense to people who aren't me, but the TL;DRs:
TL;DR 1: I think Doriath was probably a hot mess politically after Thingol died, with tensions between various groups of Sindar and Laiquendi in the leadup to Thingol's death & Melian's departure, and more political tensions afterwards between those who wanted Beren & Lúthien to come be the new rulers, and those who thought they should stay gone, with someone still in Doriath taking over.
TL;DR 2: I think Dior became Eluchil, potentially at the request of some portion of the Iathrim, hoping to help prevent Doriath from devolving into civil war, and saw dealing with the Silmaril-Fëanorioni situation as a lower priority than stabilizing Doriath's internal political situation until it was too late.
1. The political cohesion (or rather, lack thereof) in Doriath prior to Thingol's death
So, okay, the thing about Doriath is that we don't actually have any real idea of like... how much the Iathrim liked being the Iathrim? We're never told about any intra-Iathrim conflict, but a) the Silm was probably compiled mostly by surviving Gondolindrim or their descendants, so they wouldn't know about anything liike that unless surviving Iathrim told them, and after the Second Kinslaying I don't imagine many Iathrim would've been eager to talk about how things had actually been tense/messy/etc when they could remember everything as having been perfect until it was ruined by the Fëanorionrim, and doubly so after the Third Kinslaying, so why would anything like that make it into the Silm?
and b) what we do know about Doriath is that it wasn't really Doriath as we know it until Morgoth came back to Middle-earth, and everything went to hell.
At the start of the first age, you suddenly get Doriath (the fenced land!) being the one protected area of a continent that used to be totally free and open. How many Sindar actually didn't particularly care for Thingol's style of leadership, or simply preferred to live nomadic lives, going basically wherever they pleased, until suddenly that wasn't safe anymore, and you were only guaranteed survival if you were close enough to Menegroth to be within the Girdle when it went up? ditto how many Laiquendi had no interest in swearing loyalty to Thingol right after their own king had just been killed, but again, made it to safety and stayed there over taking their chances on their own in the outside world? (None of this is meant as any insult to Thingol himself, by the way; he can have been a good king who did his best for his people and still rubbed some of his new subjects-by-necessity the wrong way, through no fault of his own or theirs.)
I think it's entirely possible that there were always potential political tensions under the surface in Doriath that just... never got written about, because they never boiled over into actual political conflict, and so it was never the sort of tension that had any bearing on the historical record.
Except then Beren & Lúthien happen to the world, and a few years later the Narn, and in the blink of an eye suddenly the only king Doriath has ever had is dead, and the only queen Doriath has ever had is gone and the Girdle with her—and more than that, the only rulers the Sindar had ever had for three thousand years before Doriath existed.
And where a few years earlier I think the Iathrim would probably have turned pretty universally to Lúthien, now she's abandoned them for her human husband—and while she's my favorite character in the entire legendarium hands-down and I don't blame her, I think that's another place there might have actually been some very mixed feelings among the Iathrim that nobody wanted to admit to later because how could anyone have been upset with Lúthien—and on top of her abandoning them for him, I think it's extremely probable most of Doriath did not actually get over their xenophobia about humans in general or Beren in specific when Thingol did (we know for sure at least some of Doriath didn't, cf. Saeros insulting Túrin's mother & sister to his face), but again, who's going to admit to having had a grudge against the holy couple of Middle-earth after the fact, you know?
Conversely, there could've been a sizeable faction of Sindar who had been totally loyal to Thingol until everything happened with Beren & Lúthien, but who found his actions towards them and/or Finrod to be where they drew the line, and while (unlike B&L themselves) that faction stayed in Doriath, there could've been a new, additional tension on that front.
Finally, for all we know there were multiple factions within the Laiquendi of Doriath, with political tensions stretching back to before their king died, rooted in who-even-knows!
2. Dior
All of that, of course, sets up a very, very messy political situation for Dior to walk into.
The Doriath stuff is arguably more speculation than actual headcanon, but here's where the unambiguous headcanons come in: I don't think "Dior Eluchil set himself to raise anew the glory of the kingdom of Doriath." Obviously that's how it got written down, but bluntly, I can't see Beren and Lúthien having a kid that stupid or, like, power-hungry and arrogant?
What I can see is a situation where the messenger that brought word of Thingol's death and Melian's departure asked Beren & Lúthien to come take over as the new king and queen, we promise we're not mad about you leaving and we won't be xenophobic to your husband anymore we swear it's fine now pretty please, Beren & Lúthien said no, and the messenger either asked Dior as a second choice, or said "okay fine none of that was actually true but Doriath is falling apart and we need a leader ASAP and there's about eight different contenders* (mostly kinsmen of Thingol or Laiquendi) being backed by various factions and it's going to devolve into civil war any minute so if you care at all—" and Dior said "would I do?"
(* Ask me about my Galadriel headcanon)
I don't think Dior necessarily wanted to be king of Doriath, and I don't think he saw the throne as his birthright or anything like that; I don't think anyone involved, from Thingol to Lúthien to Dior himself, ever considered the possibility of Thingol dying and needing an heir! I think it's possible he was asked, or at most that he offered, and either way, I think he saw becoming king as taking on a responsibility for the sake of others.
(Which, like, "well here's a potentially impossible task that I'm going to take up even though probably no one thinks I'm actually capable of it, but it's my duty to help others as best I can" sure does sound to me like an attitude one might develop when raised by Lúthien "I kicked Sauron's ass cast a sleep spell on Morgoth and persuaded the Valar to find a loophole in the fabric of reality" Tinuviel and Beren "I stayed by my father's side as an outlaw to give my mother time to lead the rest of our people away hopefully to safety knowing I would never see her or any of them again (and then spent several years being a giant thorn in Morgoth's side for good measure)" Barahirion, where "apparently my grandpa I may or may not have ever met died, guess that makes me the king of a place i may or may not have ever been" does... not.)
I also think he either took on the epithet Eluchil, or was given it by whichever factions of the Iathrim accepted him as king, when he actually became king. Obviously he's going to be referred to as Dior Eluchil even before that in retrospect because that's how he's thought of later, but that doesn't mean it was actually a name he always had, you know?
The final thing is, I think if Dior essentially walked into a political situation five seconds from devolving into civil war, it makes his inaction regarding the Silmaril prior to the Second Kinslaying make more sense: the Fëanorioni have been sitting around doing nothing about the Silmaril in Doriath / with Beren & Lúthien this whole time, the letter saying "hey that's our Silmaril give it back now" is probably just a formality, and Dior's only been ruling for a couple years, there's still plenty of people dubious about whether he should be king at all, he might well be subject to at least some of whatever xenophobia remains about humans in Doriath, and in general all the work he's done on stabilizing the kingdom will absolutely come undone again if he screws up; he's trying to keep a kingdom from falling apart, the Silmaril thing can wait.
Of course, it wasn't a formality, and it couldn't wait, but why would Dior have known that?
#shrikeseams#replies#doriath#the silmarillion#dior eluchil#lotr#lotr meta#i guess?#character: dior#jesus christ this is so much longer than i meant it to be i'm so sorry#also my lunch break was supposed to end twenty minutes ago WHOOPS please forgive any typos i have no time to fix#also there wasn't a good place to stick this in#but i also think everyone in doriath probably has PTSD about thingol's death#(many of them may also have had PTSD already esp the laiquendi or those of the sindar who had to return to menegroth in a hurry#when the first waves of orcs showed up#but anyone who didn't already almost definitely does by the time dior gets there#because holy shit our king is dead the girdle is gone none of us are safe now and he was murdered before the girdle even fell#so have we even been as safe as we thought all this time or were the last couple centuries a lie?)#but yeah those are my dior headcanons!! idk if that picture of doriath or dior in particular are to anyone's taste but mine#but if nothing else i like the idea of dior getting to be... an actual person? and someone i can see having been raised by beren & lúthien#and he doesn't really get to be either of those in the silm and i rarely see him in fanworks getting fleshed out like other characters do#and i think that's kind of a shame#you know?#also yes i am completely ignoring that dior's name theoretically means ''successor'' bc like. why would they name him that#that is from an early draft and there is no way to know if ''dior'' would even have stayed his name#if tolkien had gotten around to updating all the names in B&L/CoH etc into modern Sindarin#never mind if it would have meant anything remotely similar#this is mostly a first-draft post written in one sitting in the space of 45 minutes partially while late for work#i have Definitely left many points out and i am sorry if anyone has questions about things i probably have answers / can elaborate further?
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slowly making my way through more moobies this year...
#i made a poll last year asking everyone to vote on what i should watch next and i am finally getting there#the beauty is that tho were running out of time theres always time to do things still. if that makes sense#hitting up trans allegory movie next. then stupid clown horror palette cleanser. then the beauty of art and not staying holed up in room#then then um. <- quickly checking list#uhhhh other stuff. what the fuck ever i can minimize on screen while i draw and feel touched by at the same time#moonTV#moon talks#for some reason lately ive been very anxious to do things with other ppl#i dnt exactly wanna sit or talk or game or watch things together rn. cant tell if its overstimulation isolation or grief#maybe they are all fighting each other#but either way... kinda miss watching movies and shows w ppl also i just. really dont want to. right now anyways#need to be mister solo#we will be getting mini introspective posts from me eventually during dead hours. bcuz i like to talk abt things that make me think#i think its nice to look back at first impressions/thoughts. maybe ill rewatch it one more time through a reaction vid who knows#and tumblr is always a nice little format for that. nothing can ever beat tags here im sorry#my public diary or something#im a little stubborn also i suppose. i saw when this first came out many ppl were like do not eat while watching this its disgusting#and i went hmmm i think i still will tho im hungry#nothing wrong if u cant eat during scenes such as those in the film also i totally get it.#but the only thing that can keep me away from eating is simply forgetting to.#and i nvr throw up unless i have food poisoning. so i sat there and ate my meal np for a good quarter of it#(minor spoilers i suppose)#or maybe im too used to certain imagery atp in time? i flinched a little more at the needles and nail part honestly. even if i kept staring
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#ohhhhhh my fucking god. omg. omg#i really need to learn to trust my own instincts about people#there's this dude - let's call him biff - who lives in my city#he's always been very consistent about staying in touch with me over the years even though we don't really have any shared interests#i met him when he was dating this girl i was friends with. then they broke up & he wanted to hang out with me#then he started dating someone else & they got married and had a kid#and after a while he stopped messaging me (fine by me)... UNTIL#i posted on fb the other day that i was starting the process of quitting everything Meta#and that people should comment if they wanted my contact info elsewhere#after making this post i thought 'hmmm maybe i should have restricted the audience to the only people i actually WANT to stay in touch with'#but it was too late. biff had already messaged me and asked for my number#stupidly i gave it to him. he (a german) joked 'still no german number i see?'#(it is clearly a german number. also i live in fckn germany. and have done so for 7 years. how the hell would i not have a german number?)#then he realized that & added me on whatsapp (kinda silly bc i explicitly said i'm going to quit the whole metaverse eventually but oh well)#first message: 'how u doing?' this man is in his 40s and has still never learned to type properly#second message: he said that he (singular) had recently moved to a new apartment and was not doing great#which makes me think that maybe he's gotten divorced and that's why he's suddenly so eager to reach out to me again#and he added apropos nothing 'but the good thing is that now i'll finally get to see the harry potter movies!'#ummm... great? fuck that transphobe but have fun i guess? what a weird thing to mention#third message was - just fucking WAIT FOR IT - 'what do u think about what's going on in the US recently? are you planning on going back?'#if y'all know me by now you know that this kind of question drives me bonkers#so i replied 'no i'm never going back. i live in germany. kinda sick of people asking me that. I LIVE HERE'#and i just... godddd my intuition is so depressingly good sometimes.#the moment his name popped up in my messages i had this sinking feeling of 'why did i give him my contact info'#and then what do you know... in his next two messages alone there were at least three minor red flags#NOTE TO SELF: TRUST YOUR FUCKING INSTINCT#why haven't i learned this yet? i do not need a 'valid reason' to softly let someone slip out of my life#cosmo gyres#personal#tag rant
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I had two hours to do what I needed to do so naturally I did nothing
#technically I still have an hour left#and technically I didn’t do nothing bc I just started my laundry#but like the entire basement needs to be cleaned and I need to pack#and I originally planned to do this in the two hours between dismissal and when I need to pick up my nephew from after care#but. alas I am not doing it. I am eating goldfish on my porch#so now I will probably do it after my nephew goes to bed which means I will stay up late and I have to be up at 5 am for work#but then after school I’m driving seven hours for a trip so like#help me lol why didn’t I get started when I got home from work#why don’t I start right now
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