#so basically ‘something something oops I’m not meant to exist and the universe is going to Get Me one of these days.’

[figureitoutinthemorning]

I try to avoid TikTok where possible (that’s a lie, but I probably should avoid it) but sometimes I post little videos of me reading my poems and today I was informed that the most recent one ‘violated the community guidelines’. I appealed it and they put it back, but like… what could I possibly have done for it to get hidden in the first place. Was it because my cat was in the video. Are cats banned now. Was it because they hated my outfit. Does whatever AI makes these decisions have really strong opinions about poetry????

[bloededhoine]

world building cause twn doesn't part 10: the law of surprise

arguably one of the most confusing parts of the witcher universe that is never really explained outright. BUT it is clearly super important, so let's go! also huge thanks to the people i bugged for slavic and biblical stories, i promise i'm not making some devil deal.

colour code cause i fucking love colour codes - already happened/introduced, probably s2, important background info, stuff that might be in the prequel, extras

series masterpost

origins

the law of surprise is actually a major theme in slavic mythology, which is probably why we never get a straightforward explanation about it. the witcher was never really meant for a non-slavic audience, so sapkowski likely assumed that the reader would just know what he's talking about

traditionally, if you asked the devil for something, you would pay him with "what you had left at home without knowing or expecting it"

witchers were said to be servants of the devil, and therefore would request the law in payment for their services

there's even a version of the law in the old testament! the judge jephthah led the israelites in a victorious battle against the rival kingdom of ammon. in exchange for defeating the ammonites, he vowed to sacrifice whatever came out of his door first when he came home. this turned out to be his daughter, and, while he regretted it, jephthah sacrificed her to god

how it works

put simply-ish, the law of surprise states that when someone is saved by someone else, the saviour can request a payment that is unknown by both parties at the time of the deal.

confusing? yes? allow me to explain

first, the law only applies to life or death situations. nothing else. some people even take this to mean that the only reward for saving someone's life is the law of surprise, but that's less common.

still, it's very widely believed that the law of surprise is the best payment for a life debt. this goes into the whole destiny thing which i'll talk more about later.

witchers are notable for claiming the law because their occupation tends to lead to a lot of life-saving, but it's not exclusive to the witchering profession

so, when you save someone's life, they will ask you how they can repay you. you then can enact the law of surprise, which entitles you to something that neither you nor the person you saved know exists yet.

for example, pavetta's father, roegner, fell into a ravine and broke his legs, but was rescued by duny. as duny's reward, he invoked the law of surprise. roegner didn't know that his wife was pregnant, obviously duny didn't know this either, and that baby belonged to duny

requests

this is just what comes after the classic "you've saved me! how can i ever repay you?" "well, i think there's something that we both might like..." *smooth jazz starts playing*

ah shit that's the porno version!

so sorry, here's the real version

when someone asks how they can repay you for saving their life, there are two basic requests you can make, either "the first thing that comes to greet you" or "what you find at home but do not expect".

the first one is less severe, and can really be anything, ie a dog that runs outside or a visitor at the gate (not really sure how that one would work logistically)

the second one is more common and powerful, as it's almost always a child. usually the person who is rewarding the law comes home and finds out that their wife is pregnant or had a baby. oops?

geralt requested "that which you already have but do not know" from duny, which is a variation of the second one that almost exclusively means an unborn child, just wrapped in convoluted packaging. our favourite witcher is really smart but also really stupid.

payment

obviously, the logistics of actually picking up the thing that you don't know about are pretty confusing

but it tends to work out in one of a few ways

sometimes the unexpected thing makes itself known right then and there, like with geralt and ciri. in this case, the person who did the saving will just decide what to do with their reward.

more frequently, the person who was saved will bring the person who did the saving to their house, where they will both find something unexpected.

in this scenario, the unexpected thing can either be taken by the person who did the saving immediately (usually in the case of an animal), or they will come back and get it in a few years (usually in the case of a child). do they come back and get it? results vary.

occasionally, the person who did the saving will just book it, either trusting destiny to deliver them their reward when the time is right or hoping that destiny is a myth and they don't need to actually get their reward.

destiny

it makes sense that destiny is a huge part of the law of surprise, given both of their important presences in the witcher

the law of surprise is the most common payment for a life debt because when you save someone's life, you are acting on behalf of destiny to allow them to survive something that they shouldn't have survived, but were destined to

destiny also ensures that the reward will always be received. geralt denied his reward for years, but we all know how that turned out.

that's why eist tuirseach was so ready to throw down at the idea of the law of surprise not being honoured, if someone claims the law of surprise, you have to respect that.

examples

obviously, the most notable example is ciri and geralt. you probably know the story from twn, but the book version is slightly more dramatic so i'll tell it in brief.

geralt saved duny from certain death after calanthe ordered his capa detated from his body. geralt claimed the law of surprise almost as a joke and well...

but of course this story gets far more complicated. in those 6 years, pavetta and duny had died and calanthe didn't want to give away her only descendant, so she just kinda didn't.

five years later, geralt and ciri met face to face but geralt refused to take ciri, believing that he would only bring her death. she was devastated, since this forced her to be sent back to her grandmother who just wanted to marry her off to some prince.

around a year later, after the sacking of cintra, geralt saved a farmer named yurga from some ghouls. believing that his first child surprise had died with the rest of her family in the palace, and feeling just generally ironic, geralt claimed the law of surprise again.

turns out, that which yurga had at home but did not expect was none other than ciri, who miraculously escaped the palace and made it to yurga's home. having claimed the same child surprise twice, geralt finally took ciri as his daughter.

duny also claimed the law of surprise, but since he was like 15 at the time and was promised a baby, he decided to come back later and see what destiny could do in a few years.

turns out destiny created a 14 year old that was just perfect for duny's 29 year old wooing. yeah. it's... something. but, from their unholy union we got ciri! ew but yay? i guess?

eskel also claimed the law of surprise twice, first was the princess deidre ademeyn, who eskel avoided for years in a very geralt-fashion. the second was his horse named scorpion, whose story went decidedly smoother

[chongoblog]

WHOA CPUKERFUFFLES POPPING OFF SO LETS TALK ABOUT IT

Quick post to both A) Sum up what CPUKerfuffle is for those who don’t know and B) Review last night’s Kerfuffle because things went crazy and we’re leading up to a climax

I’m putting it under a readmore since oops turns out I made this long as hell

CPUKerfuffle is a biweekly stream series where I make Level 9 CPU’s in Smash fight in tournaments. Kinda like that one guy on Youtube (who canonically does not exist in the universe of CPUK). I bring friends on as commentators and I give each player a name, along with a sort of character of their own that is in time defined by both improv acting and the actions in the tournament. Over time, characters become fan favorites and many return for future tournaments, and sometimes overarching narratives begin to form. And right now, we’re at the peak of one, so I’ll try to talk about The Plot of CPUKerfuffle as it stands right now.

So right now at the moment, the tournament has been subject to a hostile takeover by Red F!Wii Fit Trainer, also known as Doctor Order, a character submitted a few tournaments back when it was realized many characters have a backstory of being created by some experiment. Her goal seems to be to create the ultimate fighter, but it would appear she’s after something else. The Guardian of Time, Chartreuse (sister of what appeared to be the Guardian of Dimensions, Crimson which wreaked havoc on a previous tournament). Doctor Order has a tendency to create fighters meant to be clones of other fighters, such as Google the Green Roy acting as a clone of Bing the Green Chrom. Google would go on to attain sentience and despite being intrinsically built with an instinct to desire nothing but victory, learns humility and defects from Doctor Order. Other characters affected by Doctor Order’s many experiments are characters such as

Larry the Florida Man, who can shapeshift due to her influence (picking Random for every battle, but whose base form is a White-Coated Joker)

Perfect Spriteman, who used to simply be Spriteman (Green/Yellow Mega Man) who loved Sprite until Doctor Order corrupted that love into an inhuman obsession (Now manifesting as a Green/Yellow Piranha Plant)

Google Plus, a Green Marth made out of spite after Google defected who is nearly robotic in nature, using logical patterns to attain nothing but absolute victory (but still defected and is now kind of on a rampage)

Captain Quadratic, a Green Captain Falcon and a clone of Captain Valentine (Pink Cpt. Falcon), the champion of love and long-time face of CPU Kerfuffle. Corrupting his ideas of love, Doctor Order entered a doubles tournament with Captain Quadratic, revealing him to be a creation madly in love and deathly loyal to Doctor Order, seemingly physically unable to speak two sentences without drowning Doctor Order in compliments

So now that you know about Doctor Order and some of the characters in play, last night’s tournament consisted of eight fighters: Therapuppy (Teal Isabelle), Folk (Black Wolf), Google (aforementioned Green Roy), Geico Gecko (Green Ridley), Gamecube Controller (Purple Rosalina), Seachu (Aqua Pichu), Chartreuse (Teal Pyra/Mythra), and Sephiroth (Sephiroth)

This post is long enough as it is (I took too long talking about Doctor Order and the related characters lol) so here’s the relevant bits of the tournament:

Doctor Order promises anyone who can humiliate Google a free trip in a time machine

Therapuppy immediately humiliates Google but doesnt choose to ride

Seachu is the last remaining remnant of Team Aqua and is trying to recruit members. It’s unclear how effective this is

Chartreuse, being the guardian of time, is trying to call off the tournament since Doctor Order is having each battle feature Timer Items, which damage the fabric of time. It doesnt work, but she expends some of her power to at least not have any timer items during battles where she takes place

Folk also manages to humiliate Google, and upon requesting a time machine ride, Doctor Order says “sorry! One per person!”

It is then revealed that Folk is actually Therapuppy from a Bad Future where Doctor Order has taken over the world, who used Therapuppy’s one ride to return back to this time with a few Important Things To Help

Chartreuse is knocked out of the tournament and exposes her true power to prevent Timers from spawning to protect the fabric of time.

After some reconciliation with his past self, Folk enters Grand Finals against Sephiroth, who is working alongside Doctor Order.

Doctor Order kidnaps Chartreuse to attempt to steal the power of the time guardian. Folk tries to stop her, but is blocked by Sephiroth.

Folk, knowing what happens next, tells everyone to evacuate the arena as he faces down Sephiroth, eventually losing, leaving Sephiroth tournament winner.

I didnt even explain what the hell is going on with Spirits, but basically Google goes Super Saiyan and charges Doctor Order to try and save Chartreuse.

It doesnt work since she can also go Super Saiyan.

Chartreuse as a last line of defense, envelops the entire arena in a bubble of frozen time, giving everyone two weeks to prepare for one final charge

And that’s the current plot of CPUKerfuffle. Again, last night’s episode was absolutely insane. A few of the plot beats were predetermined, since while the improvised nature of these are fantastic, having a general thread helps immensely. But seeing everyone fall in love with some of these characters has been incredibly heartwarming and I’m so overjoyed with the response. I got some REALLY neat things planned for the kerfuffle in two weeks, and I imagine there’ll be even more things that don’t go as planned.

Until then, I guess CPUK characters have sorta become kinda my OCs. Weird how that happened.

[shyrose57]

It works very much like illusions. Ranbob can see him but can't touch him. While Dream can touch him (though it feel like more of a faint touch). The entire time Ranbob feels like he's dreaming but due to physical evidence, like notes left by Dream, he knows it isn't a dream. He's just kinda existing. But in actuality he's not completely "there", sometimes he is aware of what's going on (though he never remembers more often than not) but that's when Dream allows it, other than that he's either floating aimlessly in the void or dreaming. Not aware of what's happening. 

Definitely, Enderman tend to be 7 ft+. Infact when traveling and Enderman spot Ranbob, they always voice their worry about him being so short. They know he's a hybrid so he was always going to be shorter than them, but he shouldn't have been this short. His growth is permanently stunted. Its a miracle he even got those 2 inches to be honest. Ran was definitely caught off guard seeing Ranbob so short. But quickly dismissed it in favor of attacking him. But later on as time passes, he can't dismiss the unease and concern he gets when he thinks about the difference so easily as he did eailer. The Gladiators notice right away but don't comment on it, the Fishermen think Ranbobs height is normal so when they meet Ran and learn Enderman hybrids typically grow that big and bigger their caught off guard, Cletus and Charles attempt to question Ran what its like to be so tall but Benjamin stops them. 

He did, the Dream Mask has a small bit of it broken off due to it being dropped (Ranbob didn't break it. He suspects maybe when it was being transferred it got dropped in its holding box and thats what broke it). Ranbob picked it up because he meant to throw it away, but he forgot too. Giving Dream more time to get a hold on him. They talked about whatever came to mind at first since Benjamin didn't want to start off with the rough questions. But eventually the two did start to talk about what happened to Ranbob and who/what Dream was.

Dream does not consider it important enough because he thinks he's never going back there. So it falls into disrepair and gets all dusty with some mold even growing in the room. 

Dreams petty and likes being in control of everything. But Dream would just kinda wander, making sure no ones alive. Every now and again he'll get bored and just destroy something. The fishermen explored and read about the history of Mizu while they were there, then after Ranbob attacked them spent most of the time arguing about what to do with him. 

It just leads to Cletus being mean/rude to Ranbob and taking much longer than the others to be comfortable around him. If that's what you mean.

-------------------

Yes! When it was down to just 4 people left alive in Mizu, Ran stumbled upon the 4th person dead, then it all kind of clicks in his head, as the only other person currently alive is a Council Member, that it has to be his brother. So he rushes off to find the Council Member so they can stop Ranbob, only to find Ranbob standing over his dead corpse. Thats when the chase around Mizu ticks off that ends with Ran fleeing Mizu. 

Cause while spiders are passive in daytime, creepers aren't, and don't burn in the light. Plus they are loud with their explodes (yet oddly quiet) which can give his position away.

Eh I'll say. Their not really super common because mixing them can cause serious side effects during and after mixture. But the healing, sleep aids, and infection mixtures are common as they've been figured out and can safely be made. Fun fact: Subbin actually has an entire community and an official place in the government for figuring out potion mixtures, making new ones, and making the mixing process as safe as possible. 

The group doesn't really use the mixtures much, expect for Rans sleep aid and a every now and again healing mixture when a Pit match goes wrong. Cause Grievous used to intern in a potion shop and learned all about them then.

He really did. 

Your right! Not many people traverse it. Because he was a Technoblade follower, and they typically get taught the bare basics of surviving in environments like the Nether, deserts, snow, caves, etc in their teachings. He got da book from his Idol teachers, everyone in his Idol group got a book as well. 

You can ask! I welcome any and all questions.

There's gold coins (I forget the actual in-game name oop) ore deposits in the Nether, so he mines that. Not any specific ones, cause there is still a language barrier and a mostly gesture barrier (expect for the universal ones like wait, ok/good, no harm, etc). 

They made a group decision to try to check the Nether on a whim. Though mostly cause one guy just wouldn't shut up about it. They found a broken portal and managed to repair it enough to enter.

The Fishermen and Ranbob where kinda confused (cause Ran hadn't fully told them about his time on the run.) But expressed sympathy at his house being burned down. Jackie and Grievous wanted to search it for anything usable, Ran didn't let em cause he thinks there's nothing left. Watson shoots Ran a sympathetic look and declared that he wants to keep moving to find shelter. Benjamin quickly agreeing and the group moves on.

---------Tip of The Iceberg-----------

He does not expect in all of their times he's still the God of the world. 

Honestly, most of them were fine. Bad was the only one who was mad and wasn't ok with it. The Masquerade, The Pit, Sam, Sapnap, Quackity, Foolish, Ranboo, Skeppy, Tubbo, Tommy, and Karl all say the Egg wrote it because they all have had experience with the Egg. The Haunted Mansion, The Wild West, George, Fundy, Eret, Jack, Niki, and Puffy all say XD because they've either had no experience with the Egg or believe in XD's existence. Philza and Technoblade actually go both ways. (If I forgot someone, oops). 

Technoblade, Phil, Niki, The Pit, The Wild West, Puffy, Sapnap, and Sam are all on the Frontline. While the others are all split between research into the egg (The Masquerade is in this one of course), and running tests. Fundy is a runner, delivering orders, requests, or new information. Foolish is on both the researching, testing, and frontlines, he is on the frontlines when needed but otherwise is researching and testing. Karl is typically somewhere with one of the many Traveler groups. Quackity, Eret, and Sam (when not on frontlines) are on planning duties. 

The Egg is strong enough to propose a real and constant threat to the groups. Everyone is typically on the move to avoid the reaching of the Egg and its Eggpire. 

Bad hasn't gotten what he wants, which is Skeppy. And as he has "opened his eyes" a bit he sees the hypocrisy, manipulation, and lies that surround the Egg and wants out. 

----------------------

Ye ye Brothers AU sorry.

The fishermen get to their home, wake up the next day, and Ranbob is already making a field for wheat and potatoes. Benjamin fucking squawks and races out to make Ranbob stop. And Isaac eventually has to come out and help cause Ranbob is refusing to leave. Cletus laughs at Ranbob and makes fun of him but stops when he sees Charles sadly staring at him. A silent ask to stop. 

He does but Porkius is chill and let's the Gladiators do whatever they want as long as they are still in fighting condition for matches and gives them money every week. Plus he's chill and is kinda friends with them. But sometimes Porkius has them go to extravagant parties with him. They all hate going, not just Ran. Mostly cause the rich people are snobs and either 1. Constantly insult them in conversation than act surprised when they get mad at them and report it to Porkius. 2. Talk with them but talk exclusively about themselves and are insensitive to the Gladiators. But sometimes there's actually people at the parties who are genuinely curious and kind and want to get to know the Gladiators. Those conversations are pleasant and the Gladiators, no matter who it is, actively enjoy the conversation.

Ran has always been mischievous. Even witnessing murder, being traumatized, hunted constantly, and fighting non-stop hasn't changed that. If anything he got more mischievous over time. 

Something extra I wanted to share: 

-There is music in world and the player the Gladiators share get brought on the trip so they can play music the entire time. 

  -Ran and Grievous fight over who gets to pick music often.

    -Fun fact about why I did this: Every single part of this story and all others has been either created by or inspired by music. For example the Tip of The Iceberg AU was solely inspired by the song True North (by Vocal Line), while Brothers AU was made from Ruler of Everything (by Tally Hall) and partly Mind Electric (by Miracle Musical). So I wanted to include music somehow. (I actually have a entire playlist with music that I've used for certain parts of the Brothers AU.)

Brothers AU:

Interesting, interesting. What triggers these 'dreams'? Can Dream do it, or is it like just something that happens?

I'm assuming only the brothers would know what the Endermen are saying, but there's also body language, so how does everyone react to that behavior? Do one of the brothers ever tell them what's being said, or? What's everyone's thoughts on Ranbob's height, seeing as the Fishermen were surprised, and the Gladiators immediately noticed?

How does Benjamin feel about what he hears? Is he a bit skeptical at first, or fully believing Ranbob's words?

So the room's in disrepair, interesting. At some point, it's mentioned that they go back there, I think, so does that strike anyone as odd?

He destroyed stuff? Like just general items or artifacts? How did Ranbob feel, if/when he was aware?

------------------

Why didn't he assume it was the Council Member? What clues led him to his brother instead?

Understandable.

Oh, that's really interesting!

World building galore, fantastic!

Who was the one guy?

He thinks? Was there something left then?

-----------------

Tip Of The Iceberg AU:

Still the god? He didn't expect that? Was someone else supposed to be? If so, who? What's his reaction to learning such?

Bad seems to be straying from the egg, does he intend to leave it? Or does it have a way to keep him?

Do we have any particular groups here? People who fight or work well together, and kind of drift to one another? What sort of dynamics do we get with all of this, especially since everyone's on the move constantly to avoid the Eggpire.

------------------

Brothers AU:

Benjamin: Whatcha got there?

Ranbob: Excessive labor when I should be resting.

Benjamin, gasping: NO!

What are the parties typically like? Do they behave or cause havoc? Switch it up? Anyone in particular they don't hate talking to there?

Always mischievous, just better at hiding it. Wait, that means Ranbob would have known he was like that, wouldn't he? He'd know exactly what to expect. Would anyone else? Either way, that should be amusing.

------

What kind of music do they have, and what does everyone prefer to listen to?

(Time to go on a song-spree!)

[sparkys-ec-corner]

Can you lease enlighten me as to why you ship Amomiche and why you love Amostia so much? Since Amostia is given very little screen time if you will and barely characterized at all it's difficult for me to see why you ship them so much and why you love Amostia so much. Or is it partially because your a hardcore Len x Miku shipper? You can ship whatever you want ofc I just am curious as to what led you to ship it and stuff. Plus I'm more of a Gumi x Gammon shipper (#NemesisxNyozeForLIFE!!!) who barely ships Miku or Len or Rin with anybody and when I do ship them it's more often Miku x Rin (I'm trash for girlxgirl ok) sooo. And yes that goes for in Evillious as well I barely ship any of the Mikus with anybody (minus Michaela x Clarith) and same goes for any of the Lens. So oof

dw!! i understand your points and im aware of how unusual it is for me to love a character like amostia and ship something so unexpected like amomiche (i already apologize since this is long,,, oops,,,)

i would be lying if i said that the fact im a diehard lenmiku shipper didnt affect my decision in bringing amomiche into existence, but it's mostly due to this specific extensive au that serves as amostia's characterization arc and the hcs involving both amostia and michelle.

as for why i love amostia, it's because i thought he was a character with a lot of potential that was shoved to the side as a simple plot device + i was incredibly salty over why amostia is the only irregular who doesnt appear in motheavenly novel at all. since ma was given some characterization that culminated in her "i'm going to destroy the universe to confirm my existence" goal at the end of the novel, i wondered, "what about the Punishment boy? doesnt he get a chance to appear since he's an irregular too? where is he?"

heck, even irregular in scap short story gets a personality, however extremely barebones and single-minded it is, and he's called a boy without an ego since he died right after being born. despite this, he still had the desire of meet his mother.

around 2018, i began writing what would be amostia's backstory because i thought he deserved one. he deserved a personality. he deserved to be cared about. i was ready from the start to be that one weirdo who likes an obscure character no one cares about (i never finished that fic, btw. my hcs changed overtime and my prose back then was kinda ew, so i deleted it)

i never intended to love him as much as i do now. i just wanted to give him a personality and a backstory, but the more i thought about what might had happened to him in lunaca labora and during his time as Punishment the weapon and what would be his personality, the more i wished him to be seen as a person rather than "the weapon nemesis used to blow up the world".

i joined an ec discord server for no other reason but to find other fans, and rather hesitantly shared my hcs of him and fanart in the channels. as i said before, i knew it was weird for me to be attached to a character no one cared about, but i nevertheless persisted on.

before i knew, i was changing everybody's perception of amostia, turning him from a simple plot device into an actual character to the eyes of the fandom.

to be honest, i still do not believe how much everything has changed all thanks to me, only because i cared enough to share what i thought of him. i didnt... expect my hcs to be received so warmly. i made him starkly different from your typical ec len — he's angry, explosive and rude; nothing like the dimwitted and enthusiastically chaotic hansel, much less like the loyal and stoic allen — but maybe the fact he was so different was why people liked him so much. he's like a bright red dot on a canvas of soft colors. im really happy that people liked and accepted my hcs, even after Outlaw & Lychgate was published.

as for amomiche, here's where the extensive au comes in — before Outlaw & Lychgate was published, i had a thought that amostia wandered around the dead world before being found by meta and pretty much adopted by her. this characterization arc of his is meant to be a "coming to age" type of story, exploring his past and making him learn how to be a better person — an actual person with dreams and purpose instead of a weapon merely to be used by others.

initially, i intended michelle to be amostia's friend since they both have a link through nemesis. they would kinda bond through that since michelle wanted to know a bit about nemesis despite amostia himself not knowing much, after amostia finding michelle lost in a snowy night and bringing her back home.

one time, i received a m/a ask in amostia askblog about "len" and "miku" being a couple for some asks. since michelle was the closest "miku" to amostia, i obviously were to bring her in. tbh i was already slightly struggling with keeping them as friends since i found them to be really sweet together and my dumb lenmiku ass bothering tf outta me, and that m/a broke me definitely. i gave in. (although i took a time to answer the m/a itself, admittedly. by the time i answered it, i was already doodling some amomiche stuff)

again, i was ready to be seen as weird, to be the only person in the entire fandom to ship them together. i never hid the fact it is a crackship. i knew i would possibly be cast out as lenmiku trash for it. regardless, i kept doodling them and talking about them simply because i liked them (hell, they stay as friends for a long time in the au before romantic feelings blossom. sue me for liking friends-to-lovers trope with a self-improvement undertone)

and then, my surprise when it was accepted by the fandom despite its status as crackship. gosh, even people who arent into evillious had doodled amomiche!! someone who was into ec actually thought it was canon!! and was saddened to discover that it wasnt because they thought it was really sweet!! and they didnt even ship lenmiku normally!! i swear this still makes me die inside, seriously 😂

so you can say it's a combination of everything that eventually brought amomiche into existence, including my own love for amostia. i dont blame anyone for being confused with it since amostia as a character is so underdeveloped in canon and amomiche is a crackship. it's okay, really. im just vibing here. im not here looking for validation for them nor am i hoping for official crumbs.

all of this is self-indulgent, simply because i want amostia to be more popular, even if slightly. amostia will never become as popular as hansel or allen, im aware, but as long as someone appreciates him as a person, then i think my job is done here. all i want is people to appreciate him. if someone comes to like amomiche too, then it also makes me extremely happy! if someone likes amostia but not amomiche, that's fine too! i don't mind different hcs. if one respects my own, then i respect theirs.

so. yeah. it might not make sense to some people, but that's basically it. i am but a humble artist doodling stuff for a character who she wants to give the happiness and the characterization he didnt get in canon. if someone likes them, then im happy!! 💖

[thetomorrowshow]

Slower Than Words Ch. 20

First  -  Previous  -  Next

Been a busy week! I’ll let you know if I need to slow down updates! So how about we visit Virgil, see what’s up with him?

cw: a n g s t, panic attack

~

Virgil couldn't move. Roman had helped him into bed, then sat in the room for a while, trying to talk to him. When Virgil didn't respond, he eventually left, stating that he would be back later.

His world was crashing down around him.

Could he believe that just yesterday, he'd smiled? He'd laughed? Now it was all background noise, mindless buzzing that felt totally inconsequential. There was only one thing that mattered now. Patton.

Therapy had been rough, and Virgil had expected it to be. What he hadn't expected was to go over every meaningful interaction he had with Patton. The doctor had said she was “doing some tests”, so Virgil struggled to keep himself together as he talked about the one person he missed most in the world.

Then, she'd had the audacity—she'd dared to—

Virgil took a deep breath, blood boiling as he remembered that it was she who encouraged these breathing exercises. What if he didn't want to calm down? He deserved to feel, remember, Patton needed him to—

Virgil's legs started quaking, but he paid it no mind. He could not be wrong, admitting he was wrong would be abandoning Patton, he couldn't do that, he wasn't dead, he wasn't gone, he'd always been there and always would.

His breathing quickened, coming in short, shallow breaths. His entire body was shaking, and Virgil nearly puked when he realized he could smell rubbing alcohol. He hadn't had a flashback all week, he'd been doing so well!

As if summoned, there were gentle fingers on his wrist. Calm, the fingers traced. It's okay. I'm here.

“Patton,” Virgil croaked. “I—I knew it, you're here, you're here, I knew it—”

V breathe slow. Safe.

Virgil got his breathing under control after a dozen rounds of exercises. His legs were still quivering, but he knew where he was. He was in his room, in Roman's house, and he was going to be okay, and Patton—

Virgil choked.

His own hand gripped his wrist. His own hand was tracing soothing words.

“She was right,” Virgil whispered. His mind frantically grasped at straws, trying to explain what had just happened, as Virgil felt an overwhelming amount of despair.

“Virgil, you talk a lot about Patton. In every instance you told me about, however, you never hear him. You can't see him. Based on your time alone at the beginning of your imprisonment, it seems unlikely that they would suddenly decide to move you into a room with another person.”

Virgil's body had been completely out of energy, lax and unable to move, but now he was stiff as a board, locked in place. It couldn't be. It couldn't.

“We haven't been able to find out what that book was, based on your description of it.”

No. No no no no no.

“And I've seen you trace words onto yourself, in times when you need comfort. An interesting coping habit, one that might appear when a person is locked in a room with no outside stimulation.”

Virgil sobbed, full on weeping as his body couldn't move. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be real.

And that was exactly the problem, wasn't it?

“Virgil, I think Patton may have been a hallucination that your brain fabricated in order to keep you comfort during the year that you were alone. I may be wrong, but everything you've told me about Patton points to it. Virgil, can you be absolutely certain that Patton was real?”

He'd said yes, he'd said that there was no other option. He'd stormed out of the office five minutes later. He'd refused to talk to Roman in the car. He'd gone straight to his room and curled up on top of his blankets.

Patton had to be real, didn't he? He couldn't have made up a person so complex, so loving, so wonderful. And, more realistically, he couldn't have created something so solid it had washed his clothes on days he felt too ill. Unless he'd imagined it. Anything was possible if it came from his head, wasn't it?

One part of him was screaming, begging him to not abandon his best friend. The other part of him was mourning the loss of Patton. Virgil wasn't sure what to do, torn this way. He had to be real. He was real—but was he? Where was the evidence?

The world was crumbling. Virgil choked on his tears, crying for Patton, crying for himself, crying for the loss he'd just suffered. Patton wasn't real, Patton had to be real, Patton couldn't be real.

Roman knocked on the door, asking cautiously if Virgil wanted to come down for dinner. Virgil pretended to not hear him, feigned sleep when Roman opened the door to look in. He buried his eyes in his pillow as he heard the door quietly shut, then Roman's footsteps retreating. He was alone, isolated, and the one person he'd truly loved had probably never even existed.

What was Virgil supposed to do?

-

“Dude, what does it say?”

A long silence. Virgil groaned. Apparently he'd gotten an email as well as a letter, but Roman had insisted on reading it to him. Screen-readers were 'too impersonal' now. It wasn't like he was going to get his information any other way.

“Virgil, I . . . I'm sorry.”

Virgil's heart dropped. Roman sounded lost for words, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. There was no way whatever the letter said was good news.

“You . . . you got in!”

In a shot of adrenaline, Virgil smacked him. Probably on the arm.

“Ow! That was my face, you heathen!”

Oops.

“Roman! Don't—why—” Virgil could barely speak. He'd gotten in? He was certain he wouldn't get in the first time, let alone twice . He got in!

“It's my job, as your adopted older brother!” Roman said, the false hurt completely gone from his tone. “I have to bully you a bit! You should've seen the look on your face, it was priceless!”

Virgil frowned, his heart still racing. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it a bit. “I'm . . . older than you?”

“Doesn't matter! I am, by proxy, older!”

Virgil snorted. “That makes no sense, dude.”

“Doesn't have to!” Roman proclaimed. Virgil could practically see him doing some dramatic arm thing. “I'm the older brother, and therefore, I don't have to make sense!”

Virgil tilted his head back in an approximation of rolling his eyes. According to Roman, it looked pretty creepy when he actually rolled his eyes, and it stung a little. Still, he would probably roll his eyes once he was around people who weren't Roman's parents.

He was really going back.

He sniffed, his nose burning. It had been so, so long. Had the campus changed? Would he be in a different dorm? Would he and Roman still share, since they were in different grades now?

He knew everything about their accessibility and whatever, about how they would accommodate disabled people. The school had actually reached out to him, informing him that he could finish his degree no problem, they had four or five visually impaired students already and could easily make it possible for him to continue his education. Virgil had been in contact with various foundations in order to work things out with his university, and he'd gotten a few scholarships—not to mention, the handful of scholarships he'd already had had gladly reinstated themselves. In fact, Virgil had pretty much already known that he'd be going back. There'd been very little room to doubt, as his therapist had told him several times.

This was real, though. Right there, in Roman's hands, was proof. He was allowed back, and would see teachers and classmates he hadn't seen in over a year. He was starting spring semester, which was still a few months away—Roman, despite his protests, had also put off starting his junior year until spring semester.

“Virge? Are . . . you okay?”

Virgil sniffed again, wiping his cheek to find a few tears there. “Yeah, I'm fine,” he said, with an attempt at a laugh. “I just . . . didn't think this would ever happen, y'know?”

Roman also laughed, albeit much more nervously. “With the way admissions was basically begging you to come back? Of course it happened!”

Neither of them acknowledged what Virgil really meant.

“So, packing?” Roman said, after several seconds of silence. “I know it's a while away, but is there anything specific you want to bring?”

With a pang, Virgil thought back to his hand-stitched hoodie. Hopefully it was bringing Patton as much comfort as it had always brought him. He'd had it for years, made it in Home Ec in high school. Until recently, he'd never been without it. It was bittersweet, in a way. Sure, it was gone, but it was with Patton. Like . . . like a piece of his heart would always be with Patton.

Virgil shook himself. That's stupid. And cheesy, he told himself. Grow up. Move on. He doesn't exist.

There was an ASL club on campus, one that Virgil planned on becoming a part of. Roman wanted to as well, making up something about having always wanted to learn sign, but Virgil knew it was just protectiveness. Virgil was pretty sure Roman had been about to rearrange his entire schedule so that they could have the same classes, despite the fact that Roman was a year ahead and in a different program of study. After a long evening of Virgil sitting in his room anxiously while Roman talked to his parents in the living room downstairs, Roman had come to the conclusion that it was best for him to continue with his intended major. Virgil was relieved—he was a grown adult, after all. He didn't really want someone trailing after him everywhere, insisting on helping him with every little thing.

Did he?

“Am I ready for this?” he wondered aloud. Roman gripped his shoulder tightly.

“I think so.” The words were soft, but no less powerful than Roman's usual loud tone. “You're so strong, Virgil. You're the strongest person I know.”

Virgil couldn't help but cringe. He knew someone much stronger. Whether that person was real or not was up for debate.

His most recent therapy sessions had involved a lot of tears, but Virgil had agreed to acknowledge that Patton might not exist. In turn, the doctor agreed to not make a formal assessment on Patton for the time being. It was still devastating, of course. It was still as if his entire world was falling apart. But Virgil was finding it easier to smile, more natural to joke with Roman.

He was healing.

Did he want to heal?

Yes, of course Virgil wanted to heal. He wanted to move on. He wanted to lead a normal life, without hurt and flashbacks and hallucinations.

But not without Patton.

There was a fork in the road approaching, Virgil was sure of it. He was going to have to choose between waiting for, hoping for Patton, and moving on. He wasn't sure what would happen when he reached that point.

But it scared him that he would have to make that decision alone.

~

Taglist (let me know if you want to be added/removed): @enragedbees @gotta-love-alejandra @bunny222 @basiic-emo @patt0n-sanders @rosiepupper @fangirlgeekandfreak @dn-fan21 @that2000skid @remy-the-lemon-berry @itsadastraperaspera @xionbean @sanderssides-angst @hell-yea-we-gay-tonight @maybedefinitely404 @broken-pencils @thewhimsicallibrarytech @doomllily @hereissananxiousmess @judyismydog  @arodynamic-enby @at-that-one-nerd @therapysides

[padme-parker]

Collide / Anakin Skywalker x Reader (Chapter 5)

[a Star Wars x Avengers crossover]

Summary: Anakin realizes that he is falling for you, hard. He doesn’t want to hurt Padme, so instead, he distances himself from you.

Warnings: a couple of curse words, mentions of cheating, my writing

WC: 2.3k

A/N: Initially this was supposed to be ch 4.5 cause I started writing this when I was halfway thru with the original ch 5. but shit happens so here we are. p.s. I pulled this out of my ass so sorry if its bad.

read chapter 4 here

���took a minute, but I figured it out. The problem with me is you.” - Problem With You by Sabrina Claudio

You practically bolted out of the ship once Anakin landed it, not wanting to face the consequences of your actions. It was stupid really, pining after someone you couldn’t have. I shouldn’t have reciprocated his kiss. The thought of it alone was selfish, stealing away the husband and soon-to-be father from Padme. Your task was to save the universe, by any means necessary. Well, Fury did suggest that I get close to him. But he also said to not do anything to drastically change their timeline. But it just doesn’t make sense. How was I supposed to befriend him without changing the timeline? For all I know, my arrival here has already severely altered their timeline.

You went to your room while Obi wan and Yoda went to a meeting, Anakin was nowhere to be found. You sat yourself on the edge of your bed, hands roughly combing through your hair. All you wanted for Anakin was from him to be happy. Of course, you could accept the fact that maybe it wouldn’t have anything to do with you, if only that were true. In the short time you’ve been on Coruscant, you’ve noticed something change in him. But you didn’t know him, the real him. The only version of him that you knew was the one that existed on screen; The one who loved his wife so much, that he turned his back on the ones he loved the most to save her. Only to ultimately lead her to her demise.

The Anakin you were getting to know was different, in a good way, yet he was still so complicated. After training, you would eat together, whether it was in the cantina or at Dex’s, it was always the two of you. Some nights, he would come to your room to talk. And you let him. You let him rant about how unfair the council was, the pressure of being the chosen one- whatever he had to say, you listened to him. He did his best to express his emotions to you, but still got overwhelmed by them. At times, neither of you knew what to do. So you both sat in a comfortable silence, the mere presence of each other was enough for the both of you. Sometimes the two of you sat outside of the temple, watching the sunset as the nightlife emerged. Other times you would sit outside in the garden, meditating together. You’ve gotten to see the side of Anakin that no one really knew. Well besides Obi wan, Ahsoka, and Padme. You have yet to meet Padme., only hearing whispers of her from the other Jedi.

While you did train under Obi wan and Anakin, you rarely got to see Ahsoka. After coming to Coruscant, she became Plo Koon’s temporary padawan so that Anakin didn’t have to train the two of you at the same time. Although it wasn’t the same as completely leaving the Jedi Order, you could tell how much it affected Anakin. As you sat on your bed you couldn’t help the question that came to your mind. When it comes down to it, will I be the reason he falls?

-

Anakin is already in the room when you show up for training. There are no remarks or comebacks made as the two of you prep, just pure silence. Silence, was something that you hated. It was different from the sunset-watching silence you always shared. This was tense, heavy, and just straight up unbearable. Your movements were awkward as you took out your lightsaber and got into a fighting stance.

“So who talks first? You talk first? I talk first?” You said, breaking the silence, not realizing you had just quoted Poe.

Anakin glares at you before responding, “There’s nothing to talk about.” He ignites his lightsaber and stalks towards you.

“Oh come on, don’t pretend like yesterday didn’t happen.” You replied, gripping your lightsaber in both hands as you ignited it.

“I’d rather not think about it. Now be quiet and focus.” He said, swinging his saber only for you to block his attack. You complied and trained with him in silence, save for the occasional grunt that you let out.

As the minutes passed, you grew more tired as Anakin’s actions became assertive. He began swinging his saber more aggressively, the pace so fast you almost couldn’t keep up. He was going to back you into the corner if he didn’t stop.

“Anakin, stop!” You pleaded. Your words seemed to have no effect on him as he continued, his eyebrows scrunching together as he knocked your saber out of your hand. He raises his lightsaber, ready to strike you down. With no weapon in hand and no way out, you use the force to push him back.

“WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” You screamed at him once he was a good feet away from you.

Anakin wanted to tell you the truth. That loving you was his problem. That with each passing day, the feelings he had felt so many years for Padme, had nearly diminished. With your arrival, it felt like he had been reborn. He began to see life in a new light, maybe even cherished it more. And deep down, he knew that you were always meant to be his, and he was always meant to be yours. At night he would lie awake thinking of you, of what your lives could’ve been like together. Oh, how he would curse and scream at the stars for this twisted fate. But Anakin knew that he couldn’t be with you, no matter how much he wanted you.

He hated himself for being unfaithful to Padme, and in return he directed his internalized anger towards you, the source of his problems.

“You. Are. My. Problem.” He said, accusingly pointing his finger at you whilst stepping closer with each word he said.

“ME? I’m your problem?”

“Yes, you!.” He replied, pausing while trying to think of something to say. “I know what you’re trying to do, and it isn’t going to work. You’re trying to stray me away from my path. I will not indulge in your activities. I am loyal to the Jedi Order and my duties.” Anakin felt bad, he truly did. He didn’t want to lead you on, but it seemed like it was already too late.

“You're the one who kissed me!” How ironic, he’s only loyal to the Jedi, but apparently not to his wife.

“Because you seduced me!” He countered.

“I did no such thing.” You replied. “It wasn’t my fault that you saw me swinging my saber and got turned on. That’s on you Anakin. Also, if you have so many problems with training me, why don’t you ask the Council to swap you out for someone else?”

He opens his mouth, as if he’s going to reply, but it quickly shuts.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” You pick up your saber and exit the training room.

Now alone, he lays on the floor, with his limbs sprawled out while mindlessly staring at the ceiling. He knows that he’s just ruined every chance, no matter how small or big, of being with you in the future. Anakin could only beg the makers that one day, some very distant day, or possibly in another life, that the two of you would’ve been together.

-

You waste no time calling Fury when you return to your room. The device takes a while trying to connect with FRIDAY back on Earth, but she alerts Fury, along with Tony and Peter, that they had an incoming call from you.

Three faces pop up onto the hologram, Peter was basically screaming at you. You quickly greeted him back before telling them what just happened, or well the shortened version of what happened.

“I fucked up.”

“What do you mean fucked up?” Tony asks.

“Okay, so Fury, you know how like you told me to get close to Anakin-- but not really that close. Just close enough so that he could y’know, slaughter his fellow Jedi and the younglings but not me. And then he would eventually become big bad Daddy- oops hehe, sorry I meant Darth. Darth Vader. And kill all of these people with his extremely cool but extremely dangerous weapon. But not close enough that it would alter their timeline. Which doesn’t really make sense if you think about it. Like how do I get close to him without getting close to him, y’know? Also how am I supposed to know where Thanos-'' Your rambling gets cut off by Fury.

“Get to the point.” He says.

“Right…. so…. like I said, I did something and I fucked up. He basically wants nothing to do with me now.” You replied.

“I don’t care. Do whatever you need to do to get back on his good side. Use one of those mind tricks you learned if you need to.”

“Those won’t work on him.” You sighed, your body hunched over as you tried to think of possible solutions.

“Then do what you need to, or else I’ll be forced to take you off the mission. I don’t want to repeat myself again” Fury hands the device to Tony, “I’ll give you some time to speak with her. But I expect a plan the next time you call.” He says before leaving the room.

“So, how’s life over there treating you, Star?” Tony asks. “What happened between you and.. what do you call him? Flyguy? No, umm-”

“Listen, I don’t really want to talk about it. But besides that, it’s been okay. Not really different from back home. I wake up, eat, train, eat, explore, eat again, then go to sleep. Basically the same routine. The food here is alright, nothing compared to what I was eating back at home. But I’m grateful that they're giving me food and shelter.” The rest of your night was filled with chatter and laughter, the previous events from the grueling day slowly drifting away from your mind.

-

It’s been two weeks since Anakin had confronted you, and almost nothing had changed. Well except for those couple of days where you thought he had taken up on your suggestion, only for him to show up for a day of training then leave again. The first day he was gone, you thought nothing of it. Only that he might’ve needed some space. But another day passed and there was still no contact from him. Of course you could’ve taken this issue up to the Jedi Council, but what were they going to do? Offer to switch out Anakin for a Jedi Master? No, you wouldn't allow that to happen. Instead you tried to reach out to him using the bond you two shared, only to find yourself blocked off from the connection.

Without Anakin by your side, it felt as though you became vulnerable to your emotions and the dark side. More specifically, you could feel someone lingering in your head. It certainly wasn’t Anakin. This person, the force around them was dark. They commanded respect, power, and fear. The day they intruded your head was the very day you began having nightmares.

Your body was sprawled on the ground, as if someone had pushed you back. The ground is hardened, it makes you let out a groan. Propping yourself up on your elbows, you noticed the two figures in the distance. You could only see them below their collarbones, their faces were blurred.

One of them wore a dark robe while the other was wearing ordinary civilian clothing. It seemed like the two of them were arguing, particularly, they were arguing about you.

“You will not take her from me!” The man in the robe declared.

“She was never yours.” The other man calmly replied, his hands held up showing he did not want to fight, hoping the robed man would comply. He doesn’t, instead he stretches out his hand, using the force to bring the man into his grasp. He turns around the civilian, so that they are both facing you, and forces him to his knees.

“If I can’t have her, then you can’t either.” It was like time began to slow as he said those words. You could hear yourself sharply intake air as the man takes out his saber. All life around you goes to a standstill as you see a red light illuminate your surroundings, a blade protruding from the man's lower stomach. The sound of your own blood pumping is loud, but not as loud as the gasps emitting from the wounded man.

“KAZ!” You screamed, calling out for the man. It was then you realized that this person wasn’t you. You certainly didn’t know anyone with that name. Or perhaps this was someone you had yet to meet.

The robed figure retracts his saber, Kaz’s body falling in front of him. If you acted quickly, you could retrieve his body and save him.

“You see, Kaz. My intention from the beginning was to kill you. However, I think I’d like to watch you suffer instead.” That voice, it sounded so familiar, yet you couldn’t place your finger on who it was.

“What do you mean?” Kaz uttered weakly.

The man gave no response, only a glance towards Kaz before he began making his way towards you.

“No, stay away from her!” He pleaded.

The glow of his red saber became more clear then closer he got to you. The last thing you see is his saber coming your way before everything fades to black.

That night, you woke up drenched in sweat and panting as if you had just ran a marathon. If there was one thing that you understood, it was the fact that the force didn’t want you here. Your destiny was supposed to be fulfilled on Earth. Only time could tell you the consequences for trying to interfere. But you didn’t care, you were going to do whatever you could to save your friends.

Read chapter 6 here

~~~~~~

tags are open :P

[awhiskeyriver]

PSST AMELIA (i have hit the level of comfort where i feel i can scream at you, oop) TELL ME UR BETTY THOUGHTS.... also me too, i really wanna write stories based of Taylor's songs all the time. there's a whole subset of tumblr ask game called like, taylor universes, where we personify songs and on God it's my favorite (i wish i had more swifties in my ranks or i'd host one)

LOL, you can always scream at me! Oh man, that sounds seriously so fun! I would love to personify one of her (or all of her, lol) songs and turn them into stories. She has such a vivid way of writing music it begs to be seen in story form, lol.

Okay so....you may regret asking me for my Folklore thoughts, LOL. This is long and it might make absolutely no sense to anyone other than me but I hope that’s not the case!

Obviously **I know this isn’t true and wasn’t Taylor’s point at all** I’m just a writer and things spin out of control in my head and...yeah...basically this is how I’ve managed to link (almost) all of the songs in Folklore together into one story line of James/Betty/August.

The story begins with in the song Betty, towards the end of Junior year, at the prom.

//I know where it all went wrong, your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. I was nowhere to be found, I hate the crowds, you know that. Plus, I saw you dance with him.//

I think James has anxiety of some sort [more to come on that later] and in my mind, Betty is more charismatic, maybe even casually popular not in the core group of popular girls but very well-liked and known around the school. Editor of the school paper, ran for student president, etc. Meanwhile James is more low-key, out of the limelight, and the idea of being in such a large crowd dancing gave him anxiety which is why he said no. Seeing her dancing with someone else (even innocently), made him feel worse about himself and his insecurities as well as a little mad at her for not standing with him, but choosing to go dance with friends [‘him’] instead. 

So, he left the dance early [walking home on broken cobblestones] when August sees him [when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intention. She said, James get in let’s drive. Those days turned into nights. Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.]

Personally, I think James only officially cheated on Betty once. The night of the dance with August. August is a more overtly popular; more obvious beauty that is noticed by many boys, maybe a cheerleader, etc. Many people think this popularity instantly equates with happiness, but she’s not happy, actually suffers from self esteem issues and the pressure to conform [Mirrorball: I can change everything about me to fit in]. But James doesn’t ‘oogle’ her or treat her the way typical guys she dates or fucks do, so she’s attracted to him. They kind of bring out this excitement in each other that Betty and the other guys in August���s life don’t. [Mirrorball: I’ll show you every version of yourself tonight. I’ll get you out on the floor- August can pull James out of his shell in ways that Betty can’t]. This is maybe a more “obvious” song link to make, but also how in Mirrorball it’s talked about “spinning in my highest heels love, shining just for you.” And in Cardigan, when Betty is describing August “high heels on cobblestones.” 

ANYWAYS. James feels mad guilty about what happened between August and him, swears her to secrecy, but the weight of the secret weighs on him. At the end of the year, he tells Betty he thinks they should take a break over the summer, so they do. August and James continue to talk, first through platforms like Instagram, commenting on a photo or story, then it turns into constant talking, to texting, to hanging out and inevitably having more sex. For James, it’s a vice of sorts. He feels guilty, he wants to forget that feeling meanwhile August is starting to develop Feelings™. [entire song of August, obviously, but lines like “you were never mine.// your back beneath the sun, wishing I could write my name on it. ] To her, James is also developing feelings for her and wants to be with her. [I remember thinking I had you. Wanting was enough, for me it was enough.] But as the summer starts to end, things become more squirrely between the two of them, and the feeling of being James’ side piece starts to sink in more, and the more she begins to lose him, the more desperate she is to hold onto him. [August: cancel plans just in case you call and say meet me behind the mall. Illicit Affairs: Leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him so you leave no trace behind, like you don’t even exist.// A drug that only worked the first few hundred times.// what started in beautiful rooms ends in meeting in parking lots.]

It comes to a head at the end of (the month of) August, as summer is ending and the new school year is approaching when James tells August he wants to get back together with Betty and what happened between them meant nothing to him. [Betty: Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.] August is rightfully hurt, embarrassed and angry [Illicit Affairs: Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this godforsaken mess that you made me. You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else. Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this idiotic fool that you made me. You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else.// And you know damn well, for you I would ruin myself a million little times. Peace: All these people think love’s for show, but I would die for you in secret. Mirrorball: When I break it’s in a million pieces.]

So, senior year begins. Betty and James gets back together. August goes back to the way she was previous to her summer with James, but truly she is broken. Can’t even look at him. The guilt and stress of August is still eating at James, but he’s trying to forge ahead with Betty and the two of them grow stronger and closer throughout the first part of the school year. August’s friend, Inez, obviously notices her downfall, but August continues to allude to “the guy she met over the summer” without saying names. One drunken night, she slips and says James, and Inez being the gossip she is is like w h a t. [Peace: Your integrity makes me seem small.// I talk with shit with my friends, it’s like I’m wasting your honor.// And you know that I’d swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches. Give you my wild, give you a child.// Give you my sunshine, give you my best. But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me.] August forgets about the conversation [she was drunk], but Inez doesn’t and can’t help herself but go to Betty and tell the rumor she heard about James fucking August. Betty, being a newspaper editor, doesn’t believe her without gathering up facts. But as she’s piecing things together, Inez’s story begins to make sense. She confronts James about it, who reluctantly admits to everything.

Betty, of course is devastated and heartbroken. The boy she trusted the most, her first love, wasn’t at all who she thought he was. [Cardigan: you drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding.] And the fact that he didn’t just come clean and tell her after the first time, but continued to cover it up (and keep seeing August) is unforgivable. [Cardigan: tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy--Betty is ready to grow up, think about college, think about life, meanwhile James is clinging to the excuse that he is ‘only seventeen’ [(Betty) Would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?], refusing to grow up and own his mistakes. 

Betty breaks things off with James. James hates August thinking she did it on purpose. Betty hates them both. August kind of does too.

[August- Mad Woman: Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy and when you say I get angry, I get more angry.]

[Betty- Cardigan: A friend to all is a friend to none, chase two girls lose the one.//When you are young they assume you know nothing.] 

After months of being broken up, James is still not over Betty and tries one last time to win her back at her graduation party before she leaves for college. [Betty, I’m here on your doorstep and I planned it out for weeks now but it’s finally sinking in. Betty right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when I see your face again. The only thing I want to do is make it up to you. So I showed up at your party]. The end of the song, where he’s talking about kissing in her car again, etc is him building their makeup up in his mind, psyching himself up for confronting her because he thinks it will all pay off.

Betty is shocked to see him, as is everyone else at the party, they’d become something of a spectacle, she brings him outside in the garden to talk in privacy without everyone interjecting or staring. Jame’s apology comes in ‘This is me trying’ where he’s trying to explain his actions more logically than placing blame on everyone and everything else, from Betty. [I don’t quite know what to say, but I’m here in your doorway. // They told me all of my cages were mental (the fact that he has anxiety, etc) so I got wasted like all my potential//pouring my heart out to a stranger, but I didn’t pour the whiskey (his and August’s first encounter/cheating incident after Prom). But “this is him trying, at least he’s trying...it’s hard to be at a party when [he] feels like an open wound” and quite honestly, “it’s hard [for him] to be anything these days when all [he] wants is [Betty]. It’s a great apology, he wears his heart on his sleeve, but Betty doesn’t want to fix things between him, she wants to move on. It was too difficult for her to get over him once, she can’t open herself up to trusting him again. [Cardigan: I knew you’d linger like a tattooed kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what ifs.// I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired, and you’d be standing in my front porch light.] 

Betty leaves for college.

A few years away in college has caused some healing for Betty and some insight into life outside of her small town and high school boyfriend [The One: If you never bleed you’re never going to grow, but it’s alright now]. But when she’s talking with her mom and something comes up about James, thoughts and feeling she hasn’t felt in years come racing back. She can’t help but wonder how things might’ve turned out if things didn’t end how they did because as much as she hates to admit it, she’ll always love James in some way. [We were something, don’t you think so?// if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.// it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one.// I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different (if he hadn’t slept with August) would everything be different today?.// You know the greatest films of all time were never made.] [My Tears Ricochet: And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want just not home. And you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones.] 

***Now, things get a little more dicey here not as tight, lol but bear with me***

Betty comes home after graduation from college and runs into James. They’re cordial and nice and when James asks if they can get dinner and catch up, Betty agrees. They have a good evening, reconnect a little, but when they go riding and drive to some familiar places from their childhood, past hard conversations re-arise. It brings a lot of unwelcomed emotions back up in Betty, and she realizes it’s harder than she thought it would be to forgive James. [The One: the greatest films of all time were never made. Exile: I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.] Meanwhile, James just wants to forgive and forget the past, after all, they were kids, only seventeen. His hurt comes from the fact that after he tried to patch things up after graduation, not only did Betty dismiss him and leave, but she never reached out or spoke to him again. [Exile: It took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it. Holding all this love out here in the hall.] He came to the front porch/door to try and fix things with her, and she “left out the side door.” 

Betty [My Tears Ricochet: Even on my worst day, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day. // And I still talk to you (while I’m screaming at the sky) and when you can’t sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)// Hoax: My twisted knife, my sleepless night, my winless fight this has frozen my ground.] 

Hoax is where things come to a head with Betty and James. [Stood on the cliffside screaming, “Give me a reason. Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in. // You knew it still hurts underneath my scars, from when they pulled me apart. But what you did was just dark.]

Mad Woman continues as August finds out that Betty and James get back together, and cannot get over it. She never got over James either. Only her sadness turns to anger. [Now I breathe flames each time I talk. // They say “move on” but you know I won’t.// It’s obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together.] 

Invisible String comes when Betty and James are in a stable, happy place in their relationship again. Possibly engaged for marriage. [Time, mystical time, cutting me open then healing me fine.// Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire. Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons. One single thread of gold tied me to you.// Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.]

And, I like to think that August did eventually move on and found someone who appreciates her and truly loves her, isn’t just using her for revenge, or because she’s hot, or because they’re trying to forget their own problems. But someone who actually values her for herself. (Invisible String: Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart. Now I send their babies presents.)

AGAIN, this is obviously just my own theory/fun. Not meant to be taken seriously. Hope you enjoyed!

[pop-culturereference]

Thanks for the tag @bubblegumnebulaa! I’m not tagging the full 30 people but I’ll tag @wrenchinator-central

Name/Nickname: i sometimes have it in my bio and i know it’s floating around there on my blog but i’ve had it down for like a month bc i’m not feeling super comfortable with that rn for some reason. Just know that my siblings make fun of my name with miraculous ladybug jokes. i am sort of going by PBJ online right now. the B stands for butter, which we all know i could eat by the spoonful.

Gender: Female

Star sign: aquarius. idk what it means but i think it means i’m sexy

Height: 5′5″ (bubblegumnebulaa is so short.... 5′2″...... big L)

Time: 4:46 pm

Birthday: next month!

Favorite Bands: I am so picky..... the Oh Hellos, Cake, Audioslave, the Black Keys, Vampire Weekend, Grouplove, and, at the risk of sounding like an insufferable hipster, Hippo Campus

Favorite Solo artists: Valentina Lisitsa for Beethoven, liszt, and Rachmaninov, Rubinstein for chopin. Bobby Darin, and i’m ashamed to say i really like michael buble. Mon Laferte owns my soul.

Song stuck in my head: the spectacular spider-man theme song bc i was watching it with my brother and it has NO RIGHT to be that catchy

Last movie: ummmmm i watched KFC’s A Recipe for Seduction for the third time last night

Last Show: the mandalorian but i’ve seen a total of one episode this season

When did I create this blog: I think it’s been like 2 years? but i like it :)

Last thing googled: i don’t google. i’m a paranoid mf so i use duck duck go. i searched “what do law schools look for” but what i really meant is why tf is the official application website so confusing and unusable.

Other blogs: I have 2! one’s a secret, and the other is my hawks and nostril stan blog @pbjamas

Do I get asks: when i ask for them lol. on my anime blog i apparently have some pretty galaxy brain followers who tell me their cool ideas.. I also get angry ppl whenever i make any sort of comment about the MCU (which if you’ve notice i’ve stopped doing lol) or when i say dabi canonically murdered 30 ppl and is trying to kill his brother or when i make fun of racist stereotypes in hallmark movies.

Why I chose my url: I was like, “hmmmm i should make it some sort of pop culture reference” but couldn’t think of one lol

Following: 217???? which is more than i’ve ever been following at once. it’s usually around 140. (i think it’s because i followed like 30 stim blogs for soap content)

Followers: 797

Average hours of sleep: there is no average.... it’s hit or miss. but if i get 5 i’m fine.

Lucky number: 12 <3 my OG soccer jersey. Also 23 bc that’s christen press’s uswnt number and i want to be her.

Instruments: I freaking love the piano. I can do basic stuff on a guitar. I played the clarinet in high school and i was actually really good at it. Organ which is freaking hard. Ukulele bc it’s fun and i can take it with me just about anywhere.

What am I wearing: jeans, mismatched socks (oops) and my nightwing hoodie

Dream job: 1. judge (supreme court justice at a state level) (this is why i’m going to law school). 2. english teacher. 3. writer for DC (LET ME WRITE AN ORACLE SERIES FOR YOUUUU) 4. I just want to have kids and play with them all day. Stay-at-home mom. the dream.

Dream trip: i have weird feelings about traveling and tourism, but i’ve always wanted to see the Great Wall of china. i also would kill to see the museum of anthropology in mexico city.

Favorite food: tamales, minestrone soup, anything with butter, weirdly really like pbj sandwiches, anything sweet, enchiladas, anything with chicken

Nationality: U.S. of A.

Favorite song: always changing, but the constants are always “The Good Life” by Bobby Darin, Chopin’s Ballade no. 1 in G Minor, and “Giving up the Gun” by Vampire Weekend (plus the 2 weeb songs: the first shippuuden opening and also samurai heart from gintama. even when i wasn’t a weeb i still loved them)

Last book read: Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, Return of the Thief by Megan Whalen Turner, and I am dying to read The Burning God by RF Kuang but am hesitant to start it even after i spent $27 on it bc i know i will be plunged into heartbreak and unable to hang out with my family over break bc i’ll be too obsessed.. rip.

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: um probably something studio ghibli except definitely not spirited away bc it’s so unsettling to me for some reason. Howl’s Moving Castle (i’ve never read the book, feel free to bash my head in or whatever), DC so i could yell at bruce, Breath of the Wild bc even though there are monsters everywhere it’s v pretty.  Fourth is wyoming, which doesn’t exist.

This got very long but i had a lot of fun answering!!!! I didn’t tag anyone but do it and say “pop-culturereference tagged me” on the post and i will add it on this so it looks like i did

[very-grownup]

THE YEAR IS 2020 AND I WATCHED NEON GENESIS EVANGELION FOR THE FIRST TIME, PART 13

Episode 25.

I spend twenty minutes after the episode ends trying to articulate what I think happened to my friends, gesticulating wildly.

The episode starts with a condensed version of the last upsetting bits of the previous episode and thus sets the ground for my difficulty in expressing my thoughts on it because of the imperfect intersection of linear narrative and metaphorical examination of selfhood. I've been trying to follow the show as a narrative, even as things dissolve, but here everything just goes STOP NO CONTEXT JUST IDEA AND INTERNAL INTERROGATION which I think I follow but I have difficulty following WHILE ALSO thinking about giant robots.

Something bad happened after the events of the last episode and maybe in the overall narrative structure that's all that matters? I guess this episode is about the question of what the end goals of all the barely understood players are vis-à-vis humanity through Shinji et al.

How can we be our fullest self? What and who informs who that self is? The passive approach, as seen in Shinji, isn't it. You cannot only do what you are directly told to do and you can't intuit what other people want you to do as unspoken directions.

The isolationist approach, as seen in Asuka, isn't it, either. Trying to act and live above and without human connections or direction has made her sense of self the most fragile. She's just a shell projecting an ideal around a core of hatred.

Misato is there as, perhaps, the end result of trying to live life like Shinji into adulthood (the result of Asuka's approach is evident because she's shattered), a projected false self created to fulfill the outside expectations of others while the inner self gets lost.

Rei I feel is the one who is closest to having it 'right' insomuch as there can be a right way to be a human being (and perhaps part of what Evangelion and its characters are grappling with is that there isn't or if there is, it's not a simple thing). She recognizes that who Rei is is shaped by Rei's interactions with other people and the passage of time and I think that Rei 3's apparent rejection or turn on Gendo's influence is because she knows that's not the entirety of it. Everyone is confronted to some degree by the fact that the version of themselves seen by other people is flawed but in Rei's case she's able to know it in a profound way because she is aware of the previous Reis and their memories but also of herself as distinct from them. So Shinji knows her but he doesn't Know Her and much of what Rei knows of others is removed, the Rei deaths and recreations putting a barrier between a direct human connection. The human connection is key but perhaps the degree to which so much of it is abstracted in Rei is why she isn't fully emotionally engaged as a person, even when her understanding of personhood is so much fuller than the others. No human connection leads to Asuka: fragile and quickly destroyed. Shinji recognizes the importance of the human connection, maybe, but fails to enact the how and in its place he has the projections of what he thinks other people want guiding him.

The people in our hearts aren't real people but just manifestations of our self speaking through puppets that look like people we know and can't substitute for human connection and create a similarly false self for the benefit of the false people projections (Misato).

Shinji's fear of being hurt by human connections results in his inability to make human connections and his holding himself up to the standards of imagined human connections which are unsatisfying and disappointing to everyone, including him.

Gendo's Human Instrumentality Project seems to be about recognizing the need for human connections, specifically individuals filling needs for each other that cannot be filled by the individual alone, both for the pursuit of fulfilling the need to find the true self but also taking humanity beyond humanity. I think it's because Gendo has sublimated his grief and sense of loss with respect to his wife into viewing the ability of individuals to obtain fulfillment and then lose it as a weakness that can be overcome.

If all of humanity loses its individuality and turns into the orange tang all humans are always complete and cannot be made incomplete by losing part of themselves. This is too much connection and gross, indistinguishable. What is the point of this if there is no individual?

Right now it looks like all approaches are imperfect and lead to failure, certainly in the context of Evangelion and these characters.

Visually everything is very cool in this episode even though the budget limitations are obvious. The work arounds are creative and inform the substance of what's being said, I think? There's distortion and dissolving and isolated figures on foldout chairs under spotlights.

My favourite thing is how the false characters, the characters talking to the real characters in the chair, are clearly drawn differently, badly, off model. Something is done to indicate their lack of realness, especially the false Shinji in Misato's heart.

I'm sorry if this commentary has become increasingly boring, I'm sorry if I'm doing or talking about Evangelion wrong or badly or pointlessly. I've really enjoyed it. This concludes my report on the penultimate episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

The final episode behind the cut.

Episode 26.

I appreciate the honesty of opening the episode with text that basically announces "look we don't have the time to explain everything so we're just going to explain it as it pertains to this microcosm called Shinji". It's a very clever/honest sort of meta acknowledgement of MAN THE BUDGET OOPS but I feel it's also in a way of framing the psychological aspect of the narrative as something that is not unique to Shinji but Shinji is merely the lens through which something more universal is viewed.

The episode seems to be divided into four distinct sections. The first bit is a ramped up version of the meditative internal discussions that have become increasingly frequent during the series. Interrogation by on screen text asking questions like are you happy, why aren't you happy, what do you want, why do you want this, why do you do that ... some of them very basic therapy sort of questions, others being refinements of that, questions meant to prompt you to look inward for an answer only you have.

But although we're told that this is an examination of Shinji sometimes Asuka is answering, sometimes Rei is answering. Sometimes they're asking the questions. Sometimes other characters are asking or elaborating, unseen.

Previously I've talked about feeling like narrative-wise things have been dissolving, when I try to recall a sequence of events, but here what's dissolving is the distinction between the characters because the experiences are unique but the feelings are inherently universal.

There's a lot of different things going on here, visually. Still portraits, reused footage from previous episodes, repeated shots of a rotary phone with the cable cut really sticks in my mind for some reason, what seem to be actual black and white photos of contemporary Japan. There's a universal quality and it's also how everything around you, all the people and experiences, make up the you that you are, shown with an outline of Shinji that's filled with rapidly flashing poorly imposed images of others that don't fit in his outline. It's cool.

That's when the episode transitions to its second bit which is, like, I don't know. It's a bit student film, it's a bit like that Loony Toons bit where Daffy Duck is talking directly to the animator who can erase and redraw him at will. It's barely animated in parts.

I had this understanding that Evangelion ran out of money near the end and that the last episode was barely animated at all and I think I assumed it would be like how I understand the second disc of Xenogears to be, just ... text because we can't do assets? But it's not. It's unpolished and sketchy and minimal, in spots just pencil drawings or roughly coloured in with markers, at one point it's just wave forms? But it was sad and weirdly beautiful and it felt like an extension of Shinji's internal struggle for meaning and understanding. Maybe because the lack of budget gives it an aesthetic similar to a student or art school film, it informs the material with a sincerity that I feel would be lacking in a more polished, traditional product. The fewer hands that can be felt in something the more /authentic/ it feels.

I, at least, have a greater patience and a great appreciation for something when I feel an authentic quality from it, even though that's only my perception. Form and substance compliment each other here, even if it's just because of budget constraints.

There's a really good part where it's just Shinji in a white void and it's, you know, about how that's the safest because there's nothing constraining him because he's the only thing, but it feels empty because how do we know what we are if we have no references. So a horizontal line is drawn and that's the ground in this white void and Shinji is then standing on the ground and it's reassuring, it's a reality that simultaneously limits your options but in limiting them defines what they are. It's just ... good.

Once things have been completely broken down it's time to I think reassemble them and that's the third part of the episode where Shinji wakes up in an otoge game where everything is good and normal and Asuka's his childhood friend, his mother is alive (but still faceless) and his father ... also exists and is not being actively cruel but hidden behind a newspaper, similarly faceless, existing but known (he's at the table, Yui is in the kitchen with her back always to the camera), Misato's his hot teacher, Rei is the new transfer student ... There's running to school with toast in mouth (from otoge Rei). Shinji's just a Normal Teen (but the normalcy is false, this weird artificial hyper normalcy that contrasts with the sad, raw realness of Shinji's life in Tokyo 3).

That's on the stage that Shinji is watching from his stool in the empty gymnasium with Misato and it goes dark and it's like ... this is another reality but I don't think it's meant to be a quantum thing but an example of the potential of, like, /imagine/ a you who is happy. So this is the fourth part of the episode and it's characters, every single character, interrogating Shinji, pointing out Shinji's flaws, and giving him ... advice? Guidance? A lot of it is ... bad. The characters recognize real problems Shinji has, that Shinji knows he has and then they tell him things which are presented as, for lack of a better term, 'solutions' to his problems of self. But a lot of them are not actionable. Some of them are little more than 'you hate yourself but have you considered ... not hating yourself?'

Much like when Shinji gets praised, once, by his father for what he did in the robot and that is assumed to be good because it's good in comparison to the nothing he's received, the words Shinji gets here are presumed good because they're actual acknowledgement of his problems.

The result is Shinji standing on the earth, surrounded by the other characters, announcing that he is determined to care for himself, and they all applaud and congratulate him and it's weird. It's presented as happy but there's no emotion. No emotion in this climax of a series that has so effectively evoked so much emotion, raw and powerful and real and relatable. It's not happy. It's not sad, either. It's just an absence of sadness. It's this orange tang safety in muted absence of loneliness or danger. I think because Shinji is given good conclusions for his problems (self-worth and love have to come from within, you need to allow yourself to care for yourself or you'll never believe completely that others can care for you) but he's not shown a good path to get there. What people tell Shinji gives him an understanding of what the goal is (happiness) but none of the tools to get him to happiness, something he has no real personal experience with, so the ending he arrives at isn't authentic. It's a false construct, like the otoge realty.

It's not a good ending but I think it wants there to be a good ending and the viewer to recognize when a 'good' ending isn't really good. It's a lot to think about. This concludes my report on the final episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

[ambiengrey]

It's the third week of being back at work, and I hate it and feel like a terrible human being. I also feel like I Wasted my time during lockdown, even though I know I sometimes didn't. Like, I did some things. I got things done. I'm happy about that. Work is making me so tired, but I did kind of know it would which is Why I didn't watch TUA during lockdown, so I could watch it now while I feel so useless and like the day is already over.

.::a warning for spoilers::.

S2 E6

Run Allison :O

D:

Hehe.

Aw.

It suddenly occurred to me out of basically nowhere, that I am a dumb. So, Lilah legit tells Diego her mom taught her to fight. And I was like :o I dig it, tell me more. Then literally like two episodes later she's sharing her tragic backstory about how she found her parents dead at age 4 and it went Right over my head, if that's true then how could her mom have taught her to fight? And I should have realized. I'm dumb. I mean, neither of those things were false, and she said them both sincerely enough, but, just presented as such without explanation those two things contradict each other. I was clearly not paying attention. I suppose Diego wasn't either, cause he didn't notice it either. XD

Of course she does XD Is the fish going to be there? Because I miss him.

"My Pursuers." I love that.

D'aww. Team Zero for the win. Lol. XD

TMI Ben :P

Oh no, that's not what he meant. XD the nodding, lol. This cult is really just doing its own thing X'D

This little montage, such fun :D

Ooooooooh snap. Oh :o

I guess the consequences of Allison's powers are that they're kind of addictive? and it's easy to lose herself in using them. I'm interested to know how Mr H...managed? her, as a child. How did they discover her powers? Did she have a wild rebellious phase where she just got everything she wanted with no one the wiser XD

I wanna play bingo.

These two are gonna have a real falling out. Or. Falling through. X'D

Are we gonna have a legit posession at some point? :D

Also, Ben feeling offended about sounding like Dad...like, I gotta know what happened to Ben my guys.

(before posting this I browsed tumblr -_-' and I got a little spoiled about Ben, but seemingly nothing I haven't already been suspecting though, so I guess it's not too bad)

We're all invited!

Oh, Dave D':

The Handler is being a busy busy bee. Setting everyone up just the way she likes. Let's hope Five doesn't decide to change his socks. :/ :P

Five's little smile.

Daddy's girl? Interesting, after I was just wondering what she and Mr H were like in her youth.

Dat no-nonsense entrance.

Mr H even brought a notebook XD

And Yet. XD

Oof.

Mr H looked So amused when Allison made Diego do that.

Oops XP

Mr H is a time. O.O A very self-assured time though. I. Like, don't hate him? Like, not at This time. Not, for who he is right now. I feel I ought to dislike him, for who he was or will be and what he did with them as kids, but, right now. He's just very interesting, and I can't dislike him because he makes sense.

Ben yass!

Yeah, Five is the only one that makes sense to you Mr H. Aw Diego, I'm sorry.

A smidge XD

Ah, they all got it.

That makes so much sense, starting with seconds.

How interesting, he's pretty accepting of the world ending apparently, but in another time he trains literal kids to prevent that from happening? Time travel will make your head hurt. I'm not sure how time travel works in this universe, but we have seen things Happen, and then be Changed afterward because Five traveled back to before they happened and so things happen differently the second time around. So, to just answer a thought I've been having by myself over here XD I don't think Their Mr H who is dead in 2019 had This meeting with them in his timeline. Only after we travel back to 2019 will he have had this meeting, because he couldn't have had it before it happened and it only just happened Now. So he adopted them and prepared them for the first apocalypse not because they told him he does, in this time here, but rather, for some other reason. At least, originally. Since they've now told him all the things, This might Become the reason he adopts them in This Version of the timeline.

The way Five says, they have to "get out of" the timeline, makes me think there's a million possible timelines, which is probs accurate.

Out of interest I'd like to mention, that poor Five is such an innocent bean concerning these apocalypses, because he hasn't been a part of what actually starts it either time XD he only arrives for the end or the aftermath. His fam is a time. XD

Aw, Five and Mr H are a nice pair. I feel like Five thinking he gave Mr H a hard time as a child is interesting, because on the one hand, that's something adults sometimes say sincerely to their parents, and it's fair of them to say that. But all of his siblings of course, would never say that, and probably still wouldn't no matter how old they get. But, Five's teenage years and entire adulthood, he spent without Mr H, so Mr H wasn't there to mess him up the way he had the others'.

If Five hadn't traveled into the future, would he hate Mr H as much as his siblings do?

That's not ominous.

That feeling when you inherited dental equipment from your father (right? I forget) and are then being tortured by two-thirds of the Swedes with it. :|

Some other place. Some literal other time.

CAAAAARL. like the llama.

Surprise! It's not a good surprise.

D:

These green colours are a mood.

We've got some traveling to do.

I guess we'll see if events in this point in time, like the apocalypse, actually change the future of the current timeline? Or, when Five goes forward to the board meeting, will they be in a second timeline? Will they be unaffected by the apparent apocalypse, and be in a timeline prior to when Five's fam arrived in the 60's because the fam is in the process of basically resculpting that little section of time, technically for the second time because Five has now joined them so these ten days prior to the apocalypse are kind of not "set" yet? So whatever consequence they have is yet to be determined. And, if the Handler is to be believed, 2019 still exists as it was before they traveled and before their first apocalypse, because she claims to be able to take them back there. Which also suggests to me, that whatever causes the apocalypse, is their fault sure but it also hasn't happened yet. Like, I guess JFK's assassination has got to be the point of no return right? Whatever happens there has to be the thing that sets the apocalypse in motion officially. I haven't actually been trying to figure out what causes it, because I don't feel smart enough to pick up on any potential clues that might allow me to piece it together XD so I've just been going with the flow.

I feel like I could explain what I think time travel and the timeline works like, better, in a picture. :/

[ylizam]

4, 10, 20 for the meta asks

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

Caz's mouth is a bloody miracle, once she finally stops talking.

10. How would you describe your writing process?

Slow, laborious, plodding, with rare flashes of stay-up-all-night-oh-shit-this-is-working.

(I mean, it took me how long to answer these questions? And let’s not get into the prompts I have lurking in my inbox, partially responded to but still unfinished.)

In the before times, the roommate and I went out to a coffee shop to write 1-2x a week (Tuesdays and Sundays, when practicable), which lent an air of something to the entire process. It was generally hard and slow to write then (with the odd exception; the Serena Campbell not-an-epic-but-kind-of-to-me sort of just happened, sudden and desperate and wonderful, and I can procrasti-write an exchange fic on the fly), and it's harder and slower now. We're going to try to go out for walks/sitting outside with some degree of regularity, so maybe I'll lug a notebook with me and try to use that sitting outside time as scheduled writing time? Or maybe I'll just sit and try to remember to breathe. Who can say. (Anyway I'm someone who without a set schedule or routine loses time with alarming frequency, so. It is not surprising I lose time when it comes to: writing, responding to comments, reading, doing.) 

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

So a thing about me is I don't? Necessarily tend to ramble about my writing and what it all means and this symbolism here and that callback there? (I tend to write short, so fewer opportunities for callbacks and clues and whatnot.) I write something and get it out there and then I forget what's in it five minutes later; that's part of my process, I guess, the putting it out of mind after I'm done so it doesn't linger in there for me to worry about. (Because I will worry. And fret. And want to dig in and try to edit more, fix more, do more. And sometimes a thing needs to be done already.) 

And then I ramble below anyway! Which got long and also slightly-but-not-very-don’t-get-your-hopes-up dirty, so I’m cutting for those for whom such things actually work.

So in the same story quoted above (since I had it open* and can therefore remember it exists, object permanence what now, and oops there’s another typo), Caz is often and repeatedly too impatient and pushy, see:

Caz reaches back and undoes the clasp herself; impatient and fucking annoying about it, too fucking sure Gillian will be too distracted by her tits to complain (which, fair: they're stupidly magnificent, and Gillian leans forward to lick a stripe just to the side of one glorious nipple).

and later:

Caz hums. "That good?" she says, all smug satisfaction meets why aren't you reciprocating right the fuck now: a particular tone aught but Caz can manage. She shifts, sucks at Gillian's hipbone, hums again against Gillian's skin. Gillian lifts her head to try to watch her fuck herself on her own fingers--she's so bloody impatient, it makes Gillian squirm--but her stomach muscles protest. Her head drops back to the pillow, and she closes her eyes. Listens to Caz's moans and grunts, the wet slide of her fingers. Rides the sharp pain when Caz bites down as she comes.

There isn't really a theme or whatever to that fic, though, other than they're both pretty terrible (they first hooked up while with other people, getting caught in flagrante by one of them) (see also: Caroline/Kate wasn't a good relationship because Caroline was a terrible girlfriend, no matter how wonderful they looked when they snogged), they're both in love, they're in the "fucking all the time" stage of their relationship (basically everyone they know has walked in on them at some point because a) they’re in the fucking all the time stage but also b) the sense of bad-wrong (step-sisters! not straight! over 50 and fucking and loving it! take that, world!) is a feature not a bug, see e.g., season 1 Gillian), and they get each other in a way no one will ever understand (some of their family members will eventually give up and accept it, but understand? ha). There’s an entire universe of them behind this short snippet, which is what I tend to do: I have a whole world and relationship and character moments and thoughts all swirling around that I will never actually write. I set out to write that bigger story 9 times out of 10, but often what I want to tell is just this moment. And then my brain shuts down when I try to draw out more of it, which is the sign I take to mean: nope, this is enough, this is what all of that other stuff was about in the first place. The rest of it was just meant to inform the characters, the relationship, and I pepper in hints from the greater universe instead of writing it (in a way I assume would be plodding and would drag terribly because it’s just not meant to be).

*because I keep thinking about them, unexpected and ridiculous. and thinking about writing them, which is in itself ridiculous because again what are words these days and how do they work.

[ask me more fun meta asks, and I will answer within 2-10 business days!]

[marlettwrites]

So I think maybe I should step away from ACOH for a bit.

I’m really getting nowhere with this project, and I’m going to continue to get nowhere if I keep trying to force myself to work on it.

In the meantime, I have a few (like. I dunno. 6??) other projects in the works. I haven’t been focusing on them at all, but I think it’s time. I need to work on something else to get my brain gears moving again.

I’ll leave a short description of my other projects below the cut, and if you want, you can comment which one you’re most interested in. It will help me decide what to work on next. If not, then keep scrolling I guess.

Witch Hazel: Hazel is bad at magic. Like, really bad at magic. She’s set her apartment on fire more than once, and her familiar Sammy never talks to her. In fact, Hazel is beginning to wonder if magic actually exists, or if her best friend Amanda has simply been playing an elaborate prank on her this whole time.

That is, until she discovers a Book of Shadows that used to belong to the one and only (important and very powerful witch character who is yet to be named). Suddenly, all the spells Hazel attempts are finally coming out right. Nothing is catching fire, and nobody has complained to the manager about her all week.

But something sinister lurks in the book. Hazel finds she is losing more and more time. People are upset at her for things she can’t remember doing, and the book keeps turning up in places where it shouldn’t be. Hazel knows something is trying to take her place, but it might already be too late.

Unnamed Portal Fantasy: I don’t have a lot for this one, but basically an angry teen decides to run away from home and ends up in an alternate universe, when he only meant to stay away for an hour or so. Oop.

That one with the Demons: Cadence is a closeted trans girl trying to figure out how to come out to her dad. On the day that she finally works up the courage, she comes home to discover her house in shambles and her father and younger brother missing.

Unbeknownst to Cadence, strange creatures still lurk in the crevices of her home. A stranger named Lucas agrees to teach her to fight them and to help her get her dad and brother back. But first, they need to go through (name of secret agency created to fight the creatures), which is the organization that Lucas works for. 

But (redacted) denies the request to send out troops to search, claiming it a waste of time and resources. Cadence refuses to let that stop her from saving her family.

Mermay or something: Landon absolutely refuses to believe that the soft squishy yellow-haired human could possibly be their soulmate.

Everything would have been fine if Dominic hadn’t lost Landon’s Soul Gem, of that, they were certain. But of course, since Dominic lost it, it had to land on the beach. And of course, as is the way of fate, a human had to discover it lying there. And of course, that human had to be the one being on Earth that could wear their Soul Gem without shattering it.

I hate humans, Landon thinks as they shift from tail to legs for the first time in over seven years. And this one is not for me.

Elsie and the Monstrous Woods: Elsie knows something is wrong when Blake doesn’t knock on her door at noon on Thursday.

He’d gone to the Woods, of course. Blake always did like to go the Woods, even if it was forbidden. But he always came back, and he always gave her door a nice ‘ratta tat tat’ at noon sharp.

Elsie knows something is wrong when she sees Blake in the market the next day and he ignores her calling his name. Blake hasn’t visited since that day he left, and he never seems to recognize her.

The smile sits on his face, all wrong-like. It’s his, but it ain’t. That’s his face right there, for sure, but it ain’t Blake’s soul peeking through.

Elsie can’t say for sure what came through the woods last night. But she knows it ain’t Blake.

Katelyn Price and others: Some kind of superhero story I think.

Kate receives a gift and a story from her grandmother. The gift (two traditionally carved native Hawaiian necklaces) is supposed to contain the power of two elements. One contains the ocean, the other, a storm. Or so her grandmother says in the form of a warning: don’t let it consume you.

Kate doesn’t believe in magic. She’s fourteen. Too old for that baby stuff. She keeps one necklace for herself and gifts the other to her best friend (used to be called Lorelei, but is in the market for a new name). But then, weird things start happening. Waters rise at her anger and the rain never seems to make her cold the way it used to.

It isn’t until [best friend] excitedly shows off her own powers that Kate realizes what’s happened. She begs her to give the necklace back. Tells her that what they’re meddling with is dangerous.

But [best friend] likes the way the power makes her feel. She’s not going to give it back without a fight.

Thank you for reading!

Taglist:

@kai-writesstuff @runningonrain @imaghostwriter @writingnosefreak @planets-and-prose @marvel-and-writing @thatoneaceinthecorner @metaphors-and-melodrama @smudged-glasses-writing @jacquilich @marie-writess

If you would like to be added to or removed from the taglist, please let me know in a comment below. :)

[fantasiavii]

Can you tell me a little something about being a religion major? About what all you have studied? Because it sounds very interesting!

Yeah!!! Sorry it took me so long to reply to this (holidays lol) but I just want to let you know when I saw this come in, it made my week!  I LOVE talking about religion/what I study (so maybe this is a little more than what you asked for lol). 

The first thing I want to say is kind of a disclaimer; I studied religion, not theology, so this wasn’t like training to be a priest or an imam or anything (though some students do go on to do that!). It’s all from an outsider (etic), academic perspective. Of course, I have studied theological works but I’ve also done history and theory and ethnography, etc., etc. (Sometimes it helps people understand if I say I did religious studies? Not that I don’t think you understand, just for other readers who might not know.) 

So I majored in religion with a focus on Islamic studies (basically meaning I just took mostly Islam classes and wrote my thesis on Islam and Islamophobia in France) but I’ve also studied Hinduism, theory of religion, Christianity (specifically: Eastern Orthodoxy), and Buddhism (listed in order of what I’ve studied most to least). 

Major highlights were my Sufism class (so much fun but also very difficult and esoteric (as it’s meant to be lol), also gave me a healthy distrust of most translations of Rumi), my Islamic Thought in the 19th and 20th Centuries class (fascinating bc a lot of it was about nationalism and responses to colonization and imperialism, etc.) and my junior seminar (I got to do ethnographic work and interviews at an Orthodox church and the community and services were just so lovely; sometimes I miss it even though I have no desire to convert) (still kicking myself over missing the Eastern Orthodoxy class and instead taking Religion and Media, which was not what it sounds like, and I am just as disappointed as you are it was actually the worst class I took in college oops). 

More about my thesis, my department, and studying religion below the cut!

My thesis was another ordeal unto itself (I have a tag, “The Reign of Thesis” which might be interesting to look at provided tumblr’s search function works, thought tbh I don’t remember most of what I posted there). It was like taking my two loves (Islam and France/French republicanism) and making them fight (or, more like, tearing my heart in two). I say this because half of my thesis was tracing the historical origins of modern day Islamophobia, most of which boils down to the fact that the creation of the modern French republic happened at the same time as the colonization of a lot of Muslim majority countries (I focused on Algeria) and Muslims/Islam became the Other against which French (republican) identity was defined (essentially making the modern state/French identity inherently Islamophobic and making it very difficult to exist as Muslim and French). I love studying the French Revolution (and took a wonderful class on it in college) and the following revolutions (hello Les Mis fandom) and I find French republicanism/republican universalism quite inspiring but I also had to come to terms with the fact that it was used and still is used in actively Islamophobic ways. This is getting long (I did write like 80 pages about this so please forgive me for broad statements with no evidence; I did do my research) but yeah, it was a difficult thesis to write, I’m glad I did it, but it made me very burnt out and depressed. Still love studying religion and the French Revolution though lol. Just sometimes it makes me very angry. (I can recommend books, though, to any Frev or Les Mis friends who might be reading this and want to know more.)

AN IMPORTANT FINAL NOTE: I had such a fun time being a religion major, half because I really love the subject but also because I really love my department and my professors and my classmates. The religion department at my school felt a bit like a family and everyone was friendly with each other and there was very little drama. (That’s one of the main things holding me back from grad school--the fear that I won’t find the same kind of community. Because there are ways to teach religion really badly and major scholarly disputes and I don’t want to have to fight people lol.) So if you’re interested in studying religion, I would definitely say go for it! But also know that the environment you’re in and the people you’re with really matter. 

(Also I distrust survey classes, the “Introduction to World Religions” kind, but I recognize that they’re sometimes they only intro-level options. They just don’t have enough depth imo and that can make the study quite boring or they might generalize to the point of incorrectness. As my advisor likes to say, “there are as many Islams as there are Muslims,” and we can’t even hope to account for all the beautiful diversity and complexity there is in religious practice and belief if we only have one semester and two weeks per religion.)

[calcipher763]

Choice: A Double-Edged Sword

Knowledge. Creation. Destruction. Choice. Four relics created by the Gods of Remnant, left there as gifts for mankind. Each gift was specifically made with a purpose in mind and, for the most part, they’re fairly simple to deduce. As we have seen the relic of Knowledge gives knowledge at the requirement of three questions that reset every century (the specifics of how and when the recent occurs being fairly unknown). The relic of creation is, obviously, able to create things and I, along with many other’s, wouldn’t be surprise if it was utilized by Atlas in the creation of Penny. The relic of destruction destroys. Enough said (though, personally, I’d find it hilarious to know that it was what caused Vacuo to be made into a desert simply because the person holding it dropped it and “oops, sorry”). The final relic, however, the relic of choice is one that has eluded me. While choice may be a simple enough concept to understand, how it was crucial in the creation or establishing of choice is something we’ve yet to learn. That said, after careful consideration, I’ve come to realize that out of all the relics Choice is perhaps the most powerful and the most dangerous relic. Say what you will but by the end of this theory you will come to realize that it’s placement at Beacon where Ozpin was the headmaster and was thus the first place to be struck was all done purposefully on both sides parts.

Now, considering that the relics are based around Gods who were a fundamental part of not only Remnant’s creation but also in many of its legends, philosophies, and beliefs, I’m going to get a little religious here but don’t worry you’ll find this very interesting. Growing up in a Christian home I was naturally taught the story of creation including the time prior to man being brought to Earth. In a crucial part of the story we see a point where Lucifer, just prior to his fall, demanded he be made the savior of mankind instead of his brother Jesus Christ. Now, while it can be difficult to understand at first glance, when you dig deeper you’ll notice he offers to bring everyone back but at the cost of our agency. He basically under no uncertain terms says “I’ll make sure everyone one can make it into Heaven by taking away their ability to choose. If they have no choice but to follow me then they can’t commit acts of evil.” Naturally, God didn’t go along with this plan. A fundamental part of being human is our ability to make our own choices. It’s what allows us to adapt, to evolve, to grow as a people and become who were are, for better or for worse. That is why the relic of Choice is so powerful and so dangerous. It’s very likely that it has the ability to grant agency to those who had none in the first place (i.e. the Grimm) and quite possibly has the power to override it as well, effectively enslaving someone against their will.

Let’s take a step back and consider what we know about the RWBY universe so far and use it to revisit the story from the beginning. Considering that there exist four relics, each of which is housed in a different kingdom and presumably under the Huntsmen Academies, you’d think the natural choice would be to go after Destruction first, right? Think about it, what better weapon to use against the armies of humanity than a weapon that literally destroys, perhaps even better than anything the people of Remnant have managed to create so far? Instead, Salem and her lieutenants target Beacon and the relic of knowledge. Why? Simply put, it’s the most powerful of the four not for its ability to destroy humanity but for its ability to destroy humanity’s faith in itself.

Consider for a moment the name of Ozpin’s Academy. It’s called Beacon. It’s quite literally meant to show the way, to be a light in the darkness, a vision of hope when all seems lost. The huntsmen academies were specifically built to instill within humanity a sense of hope, to give a reason to believe they had a chance of overcoming and one day defeating the Grimm. It’s a symbol and what better way to destroy a people’s faith than to destroy a symbol of that faith?

So, knowing this, Salem devises a plan to do just that in what would be a very poignant and poetic manner. She trains Cinder, has her go after the Fall maiden, infiltrate the school, take the relic of knowledge and use it against humanity. Here’s where things take an interesting turn in my theory. Ozpin dying was always part of the plan. I believe that him being two souls in one body would have somehow shielded him against the relic’s power and simply killing him would set him back from reacting quick enough to counter Salem However, the real target would have been Ironwood for several reasons that I will soon cover.

With all that aside let’s consider for a moment the relic of Choice’s abilities. Assuming that they can, in fact, override a person’s ability to make their own choices the next few questions that come to mind are “to what extent?” How big is it’s range? How long do the effects last? Does it have a limit to how many people it can control all at one time? Does a person’s strength of will make them less susceptible to the relic’s abilities?” There’s a slew of questions we could ask and may never have answered so, for the sake of making everything easy to understand and follow, we’ll be going with a few assumptions.

First and foremost, we’ll assume that the relic can completely override a person’s ability to choose regardless. Second, it’s limited to one person or a few people at best and you need to be nearby in order to control them, more so out of a necessity to give them orders and dictate their actions. Lastly, the person will act completely normal, no obvious outward signs that something is wrong or off about them. However, internally they’re a prisoner of their own mind, unable to dictate their actions while being forced to watch them play out. It’s a scary concept and one that I would relish seeing being implemented in RWBY. Not only that but it makes a great deal of sense why you would want to go after the relic of choice. Why fight your way into the vaults when you can override the headmaster/headmistress’ ability to choose while also taking control of the maidens. It makes things so much easier for Salem and her crew which is why Ozpin maintained his position at Beacon.

For all his faults, of which I’m sure we can agree he has many, Ozpin is nothing if not intelligent, manipulative, cunning and cleaver. When taking everything into consideration you can see just how far ahead he was of Salem and her plans. For example, in RWBY Vol. 4 we find that Salem is still searching for the relic, Ozpin having presumably stowed it away somewhere safe and that this little tidbit is confirmed later on. This is also foreshadowed by the fact that the relic vault was repurposed into a housing chamber for Ironwood’s Aura transfer machine, further solidifying the fact that he knew Beacon was a prime target for Salem to attack from the beginning. Knowing all this, Ozpin took the relic without anyone’s knowledge and hide it away in a place only he would have the knowledge of, ensuring that if he were killed this would only hinder Salem’s plans just as they would his own. Cheeky bastard, isn’t he? Assuming all this to be true it would further raise Lionheart’s importance, as well as the urgency he showed in having teams RWBY and JNPR accompany him to Haven to confront the man, as the relic of knowledge would no doubt give Salem the answers she needed to retrieve the relic of choice. Thus, his death ultimately served him by putting him in a place that would ensure he was close enough to intercept Salem’s plans at Haven, though that is putting in a whole lot of assumption simply on pure dumb luck.

Now let’s return to our discussion of Ironwood. As part of Salem’s plan General James Ironwood is meant to survive the attack on Beacon and return to Atlas. His part in her plans is pivotal and there are three distinct reasons why. First off, he’s the headmaster of Atlas Academy. That fact alone makes him important in the aspect that he, quite literally, is sitting on top of a very powerful item. Second, he’s the General of the Atlas military. While I don’t know all the ins and outs of the military hierarchy within the RWBY verse, for the sake of the theory lets assume he’s like a five star General in that he’d control all aspects of the army, navy, air force, and marines. Lastly, a little bit of information that increases his importance in the theory, he holds two seats on the Atlas council. As far as I’m aware that grants him nearly unlimited political power. Add to the fact that he is in control of the most powerful military on Remnant and you have yourself a devastating foe regardless of whether he’s an ally or enemy.

Knowing all this we can begin to see why Salem would want the relic of choice. Using Watt’s virus to effectively turn the world against Atlas, Cinder would find a way to infiltrate Ironwood’s inner circle. I wouldn’t at all be surprised if she used her little speech during the fall of Beacon as a means of purposely getting herself captured simply so she could get close to Ironwood to use the relic on him. Once in range he’d become her puppet, maintaining her prisoner status as a means of subverting suspicious while also allowing herself to be close enough to control and dictate his actions. With no one the wiser, Ironwood begins implementing the same changes he’s made so far in the show, albeit under Cinder’s orders. She then has him begin making preparations for an attack on another Kingdom under the guise that they intend to attack Atlas in retaliation for what transpired at Beacon. Being being the most powerful and influential man in Atlas, no one thinks or even dares to cross him or question his orders. No one, that is, except for Winter Schnee.

Winter is the one variable that could prove a threat to Salem’s plans. From the limited screen time she’s had there are a few things we can surmise. The first is that she is loyal. She’s a woman who believes in her cause, as well as Ironwood, but no doubt has enough sense to think for herself without blindly following orders. I highly doubt a woman of her caliber would have made it as far in her career, to the point of becoming Ironwood’s right hand woman no less, by simply doing exactly what she was told. She’s also someone who’s no doubt highly respected and decorated. Apart from Ironwood himself, it would come as no surprise to find out that Winter is considered second only to the General himself, making her a key icon in the military. This makes her a viable threat as she would no doubt be the only person capable of not only noticing that Ironwood was acting strangely but also of being able to successfully mount a cou de tau against him. Thus, at some point, Cinder would need to have her removed, either subtly or, to add another nail into the coffin of humanity’s distrust within its leaders, publicly through the reveal of her attempts to overthrow Ironwood and thus the current government.

From there things could pan out quite predictably. Through the use of Watt’s virus the mechanized army of Atlas could greatly overtake the remaining kingdom’s. Any resistance could be effectively snuffed out with those left either following out of fear or through a legitimate desire to gain something from their service to Salem. Granted, I don’t doubt that some sort of resistance would rise up to oppose this but, given how much more advanced Atlas is more so than it’s allies, I find it doubtful that their efforts would prove effective if at all.

Now, I’ll admit outright that much of this theory is based on a great many assumptions that certain things would pan out exactly as intended but, then again, it would make a great deal of sense for Salem to concoct something like this. From what we’ve seen she went from using vast armies to force men under her rule to ruling from the shadows, using puppet lieutenants to act as her voice and face while also pushing her agenda. It’s obvious she realized that somethings don’t work anymore or at least, with the changing of the times comes a change in her strategy.

Whew, this took a while to right and is honestly one of my longer running theories. So glad I got it out, though. It was only recently that I began considering the powers of each relic and how they were significant. It then occurred to me that Choice just wasn’t very self explanatory. Still, hope you guys enjoyed this. I have a couple others brewing that I’ll be posting soon enough. One will be on my favorite RWBY ship “Whiteknight” and why I believe it’s completely possible that it might become cannon in the series as well as a theory on Lionheart and how his actions make him the greatest antagonist in RWBY thus far. Stay tuned because those will be dropping soon.

[disposedserenity]

BTS in Singapore #LoveYourselfSG

I don’t know who would even wanna read about a concert that happened A MONTH AGO. But if you are still keen, hey ho.

*I’m gonna recount the entire day in great detail, so please feel free to skip any details if you don’t care about it.*

disclaimer: all pics & videos are not mine unless stated, credit goes to bts/bighit/fansites/fans

For reference, I was at yellow 1 (left side of the extended stage)

On the night before the concert, it still felt unreal. I was surprisingly calm and I was even watching 聲林之王 with glenn (who stayed over) 😂 I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep but I ended up falling asleep at around 3 am.

19 January, 6.00am: My eyes opened and I was sooooo effing tired LOL. I swear I was in a daze all the way till the actual concert. We got ready and proceeded to leave the house at 8 am. Once I arrived at the stadium, there were fans everywhere. The group of us (carol, mingyou, glenn and I) decided to grab a cup of tea/coffee to wake ourselves up and I don’t know how, but it was already past 9 am by the time we bought our drinks. Glenn and I went to collect the various fansupport items (a cool thing about kpop concerts is the amount of free stuff given out by fans) and we went to find glenn’s roommate who had been queuing for merch since 6am.

At 10.30 am, glenn and I went to register for soundcheck. The place we were at (outdoor area outside astons) had various dance cover groups, which was actually a pretty good form of entertainment to pass the time. After we were done with registration, glenn had to pick up an item she had ordered from a fansite, which we had a hell of a difficult time trying to find because the stadium is so freaking big. We had to speed walk to queue for soundcheck right after, as we were already late (queueing started at 12.30pm and it was almost 1pm)

SOUNDCHECK:

That was basically my reaction when BTS walked out.

Even though they were in casual clothes and had no makeup on, (Jhope even tweeted about it!!!), in my mind they looked like this as they were walking over to us HAHAHA:

They performed three songs in total: mic drop, dna and run. I went in assuming they would each be rehearsing their solos, so I wasn’t expecting those three songs to be chosen. But, it makes total sense because these are the more hype songs. My memory is slowly fading so I’ll let drake illustrate how I felt during the soundcheck.

When they all stood in one line right in front of me:

When I heard the opening note of mic drop:

KIM NAMJOON, KIM SEOKJIN, MIN YOONGI, JUNG HOSEOK, PARK JIMIN, KIM TAEHYUNG, JEON JUNGKOOK, BTS!!!!!!!

**when I heard the whistling in DNA**

*run plays* me: YAAAAAAAAS BICTH

me realising midway that bts is real and I’m actually seeing them like wtaf-

armys after the soundcheck:

I don’t know how I ever got so lucky winning soundcheck passes, but I wanna thank all the lords and the universe for awarding BOTH glenn and I this opportunity. Soundcheck is truly such an intimate experience because you get to experience bts in all their natural glory. Even though this was just a rehearsal, it felt like a mini concert and I even told glenn that I’d be fine if I didn’t go for their concert and I can die happy lmaoooo.

Brief soundcheck tidbits (you can read the rest here):

1) Jin looks THE best without makeup, he has such good skin and I swear this man is really really handsome in person. I’ll admit I never bought into the worldwide handsome hype before, but I’m a convert now.

2) Jin kept looking at glenn and I several times and he was FULL ON staring. It wasn’t even a brief glance, it was as if I owed him money and he was waiting for me to return it to him (yes jin i owe u my money and life). I kept wondering if I was delusional (aren’t we all, tbh). To be fair, I think jin was also looking at the barricades behind us and/or staring into space, but this man definitely looked me straight in the eye. How did I survive? I didn’t, I’m typing from my grave

3) hobi glows in person, and he’s really not called the sun for nothing. He was the first one to walk out on stage and he had the biggest smile plastered on his face the entire time. Sunshine radiates from this man with every move he makes. Alongside joon, he was the one speaking the most and leading the members.

Ok, so storytime. There were supposed to be 1000 soundcheck winners but when we entered, there was NO way that there were 1000 of us. Our area had probably around 100 - 150 people max and the same goes for the other side. During the concert ment time,  jungkook mentioned that there were only 200++ fans at soundcheck. The moment he said that, glenn and I turned to each other and went “HUH?” and we clowned him because we thought he couldn’t math... (sorry jk bro for doubting you oops). As it turns out, about 800 soundcheck passes were cancelled because they were obtained through special means and connections. AND, the reason they looked really tired/sad at soundcheck was because they were expecting 1000 fans and they probably thought they couldn’t even fill up that amount. :( fuck you scalpers, fuck you snakes staff, but I’m glad bighit decided to cancel all those tickets because those fools dont deserve it and also more space for us soundcheck winners muahahaha.

Before I delve into the concert experience, I need to vent about my stupidity and anger at myself. **CAUTION: RANT AHEAD** So, the standing ticket holders were let in to the venue from 4 pm onwards, and we happily found a spot to settle in and chill. (it was definitely NOT chill in our pit, but that’s another story) At around 6.30pm, everyone decided to stand up officially. Fast forward 15 minutes, I went into full panic mode because I needed to pee. Usually, I’ll just hold it in but my stomach was feeling quite queasy (I’ve been having a lot of stomach issues since november). I also didn’t wanna watch the entire concert with the constant urge to pee because that’s so fun, right? It just SO happened that mingyou and carol were talking about going to the back to watch the concert so I said fuck it, I’ll just go to the toilet and stand at the back too. Went to the toilet to pee and ta-da, ONLY TWO FREAKING DROPS OF PEE CAME OUT. I was so pissed at myself (my body really) because it made me leave my front spot for nothing. But, what’s done was done. I told myself that hey, at least you can finally breathe now (while internally cursing). **RANT OVER**

CONCERT:

Even though I’ve watched so many fancams from their concert, NOTHING will ever beat the experience of watching it in person. I got GOOSEBUMPS when the first note of idol played and they all rose from the platform. Till this day, I STILL get goosebumps rewatching any idol fancams because of that exact moment.

me watching the IDOL opening stage for the 94919994th time:

I was watching IDOL from the back with carol and mingyou, and I was truly thankful that I had the space to dance and go wild. But, that feeling lasted briefly because I realised I was so damn far from the stage. BTS was performing most of their choreographed songs at the purple main stage so even if I was at my original spot, I still wouldn’t be able to see them. The huge led screens existed for that very reason, but my stubborn ass was adamant on watching them on the stage instead of seeing them through a screen.

me deciding to squeeze my way back in again:

After IDOL, it was time for their intro ment (introducing themselves, saying a few comments the usual stuff). Immediately after, they performed save me/I’m fine. I don’t know why my idiotic ass thought this was a good time to squeeze my way in when I should have been FOCUSED on my boys. I was basically half watching them, half saying sorry excuse me to strangers. *bows head deeply and slaps self*

Ok moving on.... I really freaking love how they created the transition from save me to I’m fine. The part where tae gets up into a bridge position was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. For some reason, he looked particularly breathtaking doing this move at this very concert. The beauty of live performances, indeed.

Personally, tae stood out in save me/I’m fine the most.

Magic Shop was next, which surprised me because I forgot that it was so early in the setlist. Hence, I was NOT ready for the incoming wave of emotions.

“so show me, I’ll show you” will forever remain one of the most iconic lines in the fandom 😭😭😭 I think I would have cried if this song was played towards the end of the concert. 

As per tradition, a subunit vcr is played before each members solos. So the order goes hopekook, minjoon, tae and yoonjin (yoonjin was too!! much!! to handle because it was 2 separate screens and I didn’t know where to look at???)

Jungkook: Euphoria

(aiyooo look at them cheeks *pinch*)

I love how this has now become our official fanchant (for context). Euphoria is one of my fave intros after seesaw and my ears were in for a treat that night. (It was also at this point I decided to just stay in my current spot instead of trying to find glenn). Jungkook sounds amazing live and this made me realise that wow, he really deserves the main vocalist title.

As most fans would have known, Jungkook was so exhausted at the seoul music awards, which was a mere few days before the concert. Naturally, I was worried that kook would push himself too much in sg. I could tell he was definitely a little worn out, but he still gave it his all (bcos its jungkook) and delivered an impressive performance. I’m truly happy I’ve witnessed euphoria live 😍

J-Hope: Just Dance

JUNG HO SEOK, YOU GOOD??? J-hope showed me what the term bias wrecker really meant that night. I think EVERYONE left the stadium that night rethinking their bias list (if you didn’t, you’re lying). His stage presence and charisma is out of this world. Everyone knows he’s a good dancer, but seeing him executing those moves in person is REALLY something else. 

my face during the entire performance

when he walked over to the extended stage, I was like

WHO IS HE? HE’S J-HOOOOOOOOPE! LOUDER!

I Need U + Run

I honestly don’t remember much from this except for THE vmon moment because they were kinda all over the place. They started at the main stage, then came over to the extended stage and were just dancing their hearts out freely. The members were all splashing water (Idk how they do it so nicely, I’ll probably just hit someone’s head with the bottle) and there was a water cannon. The water cannon was SOOOO strong, I and the people around me were caught off guard (rip my hair & makeup). Bighit probably knew mosh pit fans were sweaty as hell so they wanted us to take a bath. How nice of them.

I loooooveee the outfits they wore here. I’m not a fan of all white ensembles but on bts, I’ll make an exception. They look like ethereal angels who've descended down to earth for one day to grace us with their presence. I’M HERE FOR IT.

look at all da sparkles (and jimin’s messy hair uwu)

Jimin: Serendipity

Till this day, jimin remains my favourite performer in bts. Whenever I watch a bts performance, my eyes automatically go straight to jimin. As a contemp dancer trained in ballet, you can see how that has shaped his performances. Fluidity is the term I would use to describe his style, because he moves like he’s gliding through water. I often find myself rewatching his fancams the most because he has so much adaptibility, its crazy. He knows when to go hard and when to reel it back in. Jimin has such pretty dance lines as well. He stands out because he really pays attention to the little details (the turn of a foot, the hand placement, arch of a back)

Out of all the solos, serendipity is really the prettiest. The combination of jimin’s glitter shirt + pastel hair + bubbles really was a feast for the eyes 😍

See what I mean? Jimin looks so picturesque even in motion.

Trivia: Love

As glenn pointed out, Joon looks so much softer in person (he’s a real life koya 😭). In person, his features are much softer and ‘rounder’. While he may have soft features (how many times can I use the word soft), his stage presence is a huge contrast. I’ve often noticed that out of everyone, joon is the most focused member during performances. While the others will interact with fans/try to incorporate some kind of fan service, rm concentrates solely on carrying out what he’s supposed to do. I can respect that.

Ugh!!! This man!!! Honestly, I was a little worried joon wouldn’t get the hype and cheers he rightfully deserves but Singapore impressed me. Well done, my fellow countrymen (and foreign fans). There was a girl beside me who screamed super loud and kept yelling “KIM NAMJOON!!!!!” so I was like HELLLL YEAH OKAY FINALLY SOMEONE AS HYPED AS ME LEGGO. Jungkook making a heart at the end with namjoon was so cute uwu. Everyone collectively lost their shit when joon slid his jacket off over one shoulder. King of giving the people what they want, I see you.

**another thing to note is how he always looks SOOO happy performing love. You can see the genuine happiness radiating off this man. It makes me happy too 🤗

DNA

The main talking point of this performance was that jimin fell. I actually missed it, because I could only see their side view and jimin was blocked from my pov. By the time I looked at the screen, jimin was already on the floor (still smiling bcos he’s jimin) and I was like oh nooooooo. Apparently after that, they coordinated among themselves mid song to tell each other not to do the ending choreo. A PLUS TEAMWORK, RIGHT THERE! tae even went to wipe the floor after the performance, bless his precious soul.

sidenote: I love love their dna outfits, especially the jackets!! They had different ones for the america and europe concerts, but I do love the asia tour ones just a little more.

Medley

The other highlight of the concert happened here because I was reunited with glenn!!!!!!! I found her just when they launched into fire and we were like OOOOOMMMMGGGG YAS. I actually gave up on ever finding her, but I suddenly saw her blouse from the corner of my eye (THANK YOU GLENN FOR WEARING A PINK DAISY TOP). During the medley, everyone kept following wherever the boys went because the boys were on the moving stage. I felt like I was at a wave pool getting pushed without even moving. They were right at the back at the small diamond stage, so I couldn’t really see much. I had no choice but to watch from the screen. 

funny moments: tae doing pubg dances LOOOL , rm’s legendary hip thrust (you’re welcome)

Airplane Pt. 2

I.. actually forgot that this song was on the setlist. It felt really anti climatic and I wish they would have arranged this to be after DNA or something. 

*airplane pt 2 comes on me:

Jokes aside, I do love this song. It was even one of my top songs in 2018 according to spotify.

V: Singularity

For the first and only time during the concert, this made me speechless. Normally, I’d be cheering and singing along to all of the songs. BUT man oh man, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from tae. While jimin is my favourite performer to watch, I believe that tae is the most expressive performer in bts. Whenever I watch him, I realise that wow that’s really a celebrity right there. Its easy to dress up and put on a show, but not everyone can really perform. What separates a regular person from a star is the x factor, and taehyung is the perfect embodiment of that.

Look

at

that

duality

Fake Love

First off, how did I not notice jhope was wearing leather gloves???? Fake love is still that bitch, no matter what anyone says. It gave us goth bangtan and that’s all I could ever ask for.

I wasn’t expecting them to perform the rock version, and I LOVE IT. I’ve probably watched all of their fake love performances, but seeing it live just solidified it as my fave title track from the love yourself series. Funny anecdote: jungkook didn’t lift his shirt up like he usually does and I swear the people around me were disappointed. They didn’t outrightly say anything, but I could feel the sadness 😂

Suga: Seesaw

ALRIGHT, SHE DROPPED THE CHEESECAKE TIME. Seesaw is my fave solo so you bet your sweet ass this bitch was excited AF!

Singapore did good for the seesaw fanchants, I’m so proud of us *wipes away tear* yoongi definitely noticed our efforts and smiled so freaking wide when he heard us (he absolutely has THE cutest gummy smile).

I remember the entire fandom (me included) got shookt to the core when yoongi first debuted the seesaw performance. We were like ‘suga dancing??’ Seesaw as a song itself was already a pretty unconventional fit for yoongi. We were all used to his hard hitting rap songs (agust d says hi) so we were really surprised. But, you can see how much fun yoongi always has whenever he’s performing seesaw and I’m thankful that he reversed our expectations with this song.

Jin: Epiphany

THIS MAN, yes I am suing. His name is Kim Seok Jin. How dare he make me feel all of the feels when I specifically told him not to? Hearing 50,000 people singing “I’m the one I should love in this world” together was truly a historical moment (just hear how it sounds from OUTSIDE the stadium). Seeing Jin channel all of his emotions into this song was heartbreaking, yet cathartic at the same itme. I would have full on ugly cried but all the screaming probably killed the mood.

the gaze of a man who knows the power he holds, ugh I stan

Epiphany is such a perfect song, 10/10. I don’t know what else to say because nothing I ever say will compare to the experience of actually watching it live. I love you, jin (no hetero)

The Truth Untold

v, jimin, jungkook, jin are the nation’s vocalists thank you for coming to my ted talk

I could barely hear tae at the start because of his mic, which was a shame :( Aside from that, everyone sounded really great. TTU is a song that can strain your voice if not done properly. There were definitely some concerts where some of them struggled to reach the high notes or the correct key. One thing’s for sure though - Jin has CONSISTENTLY been singing in perfect pitch and ALWAYS delivers a fantastic performance. Jin’s singing is so stable, it deserves more recognition. I love tae’s ad lib here and how he made everyone lose their marbles after.

Outro: Tear

HANDS DOWN, FAVE PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT!!!!! I walked out of the concert still thinking about tear, because it was THAT powerful. I’m glad glenn was beside me for this because she’s the only other tear enthusiast I know (TEAM SENN ✊🏼). BTS individually have amazing stage charisma, but put the three rappers together and you get AN UNDENIABLE FORCE. I’ll always stan rap line till the day I die. The three of them have such different rapping styles, yet nothing sounds out of place when they work together.

yoongi in headbands is so hot, no one fight me on this

Mic Drop

Second fave performance of the night! (okay I might be slightly biased, since it was right after tear) Even though this was nearing the end of the concert, I was actually way more energetic than I was at the start. It was like I was saving all my energy stores for this very moment. When joon mentioned it was their last song, I was like NOOOOOOOOO WAIT WHAT YOU CAN’T LEAVE YET. Then, I remembered that there was an encore segment and the world was all right again.

I see you stylists with the second white ensemble of the night, and I raise you one. Mic drop is the song that can get anyone hyped up anywhere. I feel like this is the song that you can play at clubs / festivals and it wont feel out of place. Fun story: the dj at dpr live’s show played mic drop and everyone was lowkey jamming to it (also shout out to all the armys there)

Please watch jhope’s fancam!!! I’ve always felt that mic drop is one of the few songs that allows him to really shine as a dancer. As a hip hop dancer, he doesn’t get many opportunities to showcase it because he has to ‘tone down’ for bts choreos. If you have the time, do check out all of his hopeonthestreet videos to really see dancer hoseok in his element!

mandatory iconic yoongi mic drop

Encore Stage (So What & Anpanman)

All of the cutest and funniest interactions took place right here!!! Before the concert, I was going back and forth between getting purple or yellow tickets but I definitely do NOT regret getting yellow tickets! The extended stage is where you can see their goofy selves come out to play.

joon + jimin’s cheeks: an untold love story

p.s. joon was casually applying lip balm before this moment, lol

me whenever minjoon minjoons

this is peak joon at his final form

jimin got to start anpanman this time!!

cosmo and wanda (I mean vmin) being the absolute cutest

chaotic duo taejin back at it again

vmon was being very very cute during anpanman & so what!! There were so many vmon moments throughout the concert, THANK YOU UNIVERSE for blessing me with the most underrated ship.

noteworthy moments during the encore stage:

-sope freaking looked at glenn and I, and we almost combusted right there. Both of them came over to our side at one point, and stepped down onto this black box platform just below (no wonder they felt so close). Almost everyone else were on their phones, so naturally they noticed us because we were the only two crazy bitches cheering by ourselves. I MADE EYE CONTACT AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. suga smiled so hard when he saw us going all out, and that’s when I knew: I was yoongi’s bitch for life. jhope was looking at us with a sort of approval *stands at attention* YES SIR ARMY REPORTING FOR DUTY

-jungkook came over to our side of the stage and was just in right front of me. I took this time to really look at his face (HAHA) because I felt like I didn’t see him enough during the concert. He was doing body rolls (looked a little something like this) and everyone around me was busy trying to get his attention. Upon closer ‘inspection’ of jungkook, I have concluded that he is a 5 year old trapped in a 20 year old ripped body. His body proportions are reeeealllyy crazily good - with his tiny waist and long legs (and veiny arms). I can see why people lose their mind over him, but he’ll always remain an adorable bunny to me.

-I got blessed by yoongi’s holy water during so what. I didn’t think I was gonna be close enough to get the water but I GUESS NOT! I’ve never been happier getting splashed with water in my life. I swear, yoongi was so cute bouncing around and just smiling the whole time (I can’t stop talking about yoongi, SO SUE ME)

this is what jungkook looks like in person, can you believe? Fansite pictures are always heavily edited (especially jungkook’s for some reason) so sometimes they can come across as quite ‘fake looking’ when you look at images. Lemme tell you, they look a thousand times better in person. The melanin, the glow, the messy hair, their natural skin - can we get a hallelujah

Final Ment

Their final ment before we parted ways :((( I do enjoy hearing them speak even if its in korean, because you get to listen to their thoughts and feelings. I also really appreciate their attempt in speaking english, because it shows that they care. They might have memorised what to say, but effort goes a long way!

- tae saying we are part of his story, memory and scenery 😭😭😭 who knew it would be a teaser for his song! that sly kid. give it a listen over here, you won’t regret it.

- jungkook saying that the fans at soundcheck (*raises hands* YES IT ME) cheered crazily good. yasss thank you kook for acknowledging us and trust me, you could have just ten armys and we’ll still cheer like 10,000 people!

yoongi was being so freaking cute and for what?? that little pout before he launched into his speech.... HERE TAKE MY HEART

the best part was yoongi correcting the translator (not good night, GREAT night) man’s fluent in english but never shows it off, I approve of this slytherin move. yoongi even mentioned that he thought there was a day 2 concert. live nation, what are you doing??? I was so looking forward to a day 2 concert too. Is minstradamus predicting a 2 day concert in Singapore in the future??  👀

jin is a sagittarius in every sense of the word. the way he waited for his close up before slowly removing his shades.....I’m honestly not surprised anymore. I’m too used to having so many sagittarius in my life LOL. he even attempted to speak singlish not once, but twice. I sincerely applaud the effort, though my greedy self wished every member tried too (I’m still waiting for jimin to say ‘ zuo mo ni jiang bad de’)

speaking of jimin, he sang promise!! for the first time!! live!! singapore was truly blessed :)))))

thank you God for spending a little more time on this fine specimen, jung hoseok. hoseok is fine, but with his forehead exposed? FINE FINE. *cue me singing I’m fine* everyone was chanting “J Hope! J Hope! J Hope!’ even before he spoke and he was like oooooh, me? while pointing at himself like pls hobi ITS ALL FOR YOU BBY.

yes, you have stolen my heart jung hoseok

I can’t believe this man even bothered to count the days and meals for his speech..... (I like how bts pretends music bank didnt exist LMAO) this man can honestly sell you a trash bag with how eloquent he is. english is his second/third language yet he can construct better sentences in english than I ever will. in Jeon Jungkook’s words “Kim Namjoon, you dangerous man”

Answer: Love Myself (aka THE END CRIES)

At last, the final song dawned upon us. This is it, the moment reality hits you. That we’re all gonna return to our sad little lives after the concert. I was expecting myself to cry, but I actually felt... at peace? Hearing them sing “I should love myself” also served as a final reminder that that is also the title of their world tour, and the key message to take away from the love yourself series. At the end of the day, bts are also 7 young men in their 20s struggling alongside the rest of us. They have their own battles to fight too, but at least we’re all in this together. BTS may be there to provide us with happiness and love, but we must never forget to look inward first. 💜

Welcome, first time experiencing singapore’s humidity?

Singapore air’s just that powerful huh

I got chills, they’re multiplying!

Ngl, Singapore really impressed me. Every member’s solo got the same deserving amount of screams and we even got seesaw’s part down! (yoongi was really happy huhu) I don’t think they nor us fans expected such an enthusiastic response, but I hope this lifted their spirits up. Touring non stop for months is no easy feat, and I hope our passion made them less weary for one night. I still feel extremely blessed that I got to see them so quickly after I became a full-fledged fan. Hope to see you boys real soon! 😁😁😁

p.s. I recommend reading glenn’s experience here, because it is MUCH more detailed and well articulated

p.p.s link to jimin fancams, link to j-hope fancams, link to rm tear fancam

To end off, here are some random/cute pics for your enjoyment ~

me shaking off all the sweat, filth and water out of my hair after the concert

grandpa over flowers

hello glenn, this is for you

LOOK at jungkook’s forearms.... he can literally kill us all

The cameraman was WHIPPED for tae that night, it kept focusing on tae for a good chunk of time (I can’t blame him/her, we were all in awe too)

Singapore is officially J-hope land now. Can he run for president next?

Thank you for giving me a night I will never forget 190119 will forever be etched in my memory 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜