#sry i just feel like shit. i should probably just eat something i havent been eating much. and then i will probably feel a bit better

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

[sapphirescales]

i wish tht my dad would just....make his mind up abt whether or not he gives a shit. my dad, who emotionally and verbally abused me since i was four years old. who told me to go wh/ore myself out, who taught me to consistently hate myself, who let me starve for days on end during my undergrad because he’d give me rm100 (which is like 22 dollars) to live on for a month. who throws fits at restaurants when he feels they’re too expensive, yells at waiters and waitresses, etc. who whipped me with the end of a copper wire, who i still have scars on my thighs from, just bc i agitated him. who once got angry at me for breathing. who consistently talks to me abt what a burden i am to him, financially and otherwise, and makes me wish i was never born. 

and then he’ll turn around and??? when my mum had her first proper psychosis episode two years ago, rushed home from uni to take care of her and the household and he legit??? thanked me??? and told me he wouldn’t know what he’d do without me??? when i was working, we’d have conversations like real people, real kids and their parents do? he would talk to me abt my novel writing ( which, he never does bc he doesn’t support it and thinks it’s a stupid waste of my time ) and encouraged me to write? he told me abt his own plans n hopes n dreams and abt his frustrations with work?

for my bday, we went to a really nice steak house, where he must’ve spent hundreds on me even tho i never asked for that (why would i when even spending a few bucks on me for sweets was always The Biggest Burden to him), which had like a live band playing and everything?? and it was really nice and he never once made any noise about how much it cost??? who took us on holiday for the first time in our entire lives last year, and we went to langkawi, and it was??? really nice??? he spent THOUSANDS and never once??? got pissy or upset or anything about it??? i ended up FEELING BAD that he’d spent so much???

and then, i lost my stipend abt two months ago because i switched phd supervisors. i’m living off nothing but my savings rn, and i obvs had to update my parents on my financial situation. and i told my dad tht i would be getting a job, etc (tho, i still havent because its hard to find smt w flexible timings and within travel distance so i’m probs gonna have to move back home in june/july lmao) and he was like don’t worry abt it, if working is taking away from yr phd, just let me know, i can give you money.

i cant remember the last time me and my dad got into an argument, i cant remember the last time he raised his voice at me or even LOOKED at me angrily. today, he randomly messaged me asking if i needed money to eat -- the first time, in my whole ENTIRE LIFE, where he’s done that. where it feels like he’s thought of me, and about me, and is concerned for me.

and like!!! i know tht this seems like Nothing, or it seems like one of those situations where im overinflating a few Nice Things he did and weighing it up against the abuse as though they’re equivalent, but i’m not. and its not that i think that spending money on someone means that you love them, i know it’s not. but my dad is really...money-oriented. money means EVERYTHING to him, and majority of our family issues are rooted in the fact that he doesn’t want to spend money on us, not just w/ regards to Big Things like holidays or whatev. but legit, food we need to survive, or money for clothes. he’s always only ever been willing to spend money on people outside of our nuclear family, but never us. the fact that he’s suddenly flipped with regards to this is, to me, Significant, not because money means so much to me, but because spending money means so much to HIM. like, it feels almost...apologetic from him and i don’t know what to do with it. i can’t forgive him for all the things he did to me, and for how fucked up i am now because of it, and part of me hates him so much??? 

at the same time, there’s a part of me, who isn’t tht little girl who he used to smack around and yell at and make feel so small, who understands??? he never meant to be abusive and he probably doesn’t think he was??? which isn’t to excuse him, ofc, but it means tht now he’s? idk regretting that we arent closer or something like that and trying to make up for it? that, he really did love me and value me all along, and he didn’t think of me as a waste of time and space and resources tht he wished was never born? there’s a part of me who sees tht he’s gotten so much older and wearier and he’s? tired of pretending to be aloof and unaffected? tired of pretending like he DOESN’T want us to care abt him?

and i dont know what to do with that, or how to reconcile those two different understandings. i dont know how to feel or where i should be at. like this isn’t anything new, its been building up over the past two years, i just don’t know??? what to do with it??? he messaged me today asking if i needed money?? like he cares?? why does he have to blur the lines like this at THIS stage in my life? and i dont know what to do or how to feel and i’m just

yea ok this got really long sry