#struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about

[polar534]

Thinking about how Lex Foster views responsibility.

Which is a crazy thing to say, I know. We meet Lex as a disgruntled teen smoking 'a bud' outside her job before her shift starts. Normally, this is based (it still is), however we get hints that she has had issues with this habit in the past AND the background that not only has she picked it back up, but she is now supplying her mother as well.

In her very first appearance we hear that when Lex was in school she struggled, seemingly with grades and attendance. Enough that Tom points out in a positive light that she was 'back in school' and 'on top of her classes'. Lex meets this flippantly, initially saying that she was hardly valedictorian, and when pushed, goes on to say the one class that Tom has proof she was doing alright in, is extremely easy and anyone can get an A.

This was the very same class that as soon as the teacher stopped showing up, her raised grades seemingly dropped low enough that her GPA tanked to a failing grade. Lex attributes her choice to drop out as being inspired by Tom so she just stopped showing up completely.

Keep in mind, Lex wants to hurt Tom here. She wants to see if any part of him actually ever cared about her. That still doesn't erase the fact that if Tom is correct, and Lex was doing better, she saw someone she respected deem school as not an important enough responsibility and moved on.

She didn't give up. This is important. In this first scene, Lex dropping out is supposed to be seen as just a teen who doesn't care about her future making a selfish decision to give up when things got hard.

But that's not the full story.

Because the musical shifts perspectives. We aren't following Tom anymore, we follow Lex. Something important to note here, is that we already know Lex arrived not only on time, but early. She had time to casually smoke outside and have a conversation with Tom before going inside to meet with her boss. I want to come back to that, but right now we're in the process of finding out more about Lex's work ethic.

"You know you've got a real attitude problem. You're snippy with customers, your no good boyfriend's always hanging around, you'd think a drop-out with a record would be grateful to have a job."

Look. Frank's not a good person. He's not meant to be. He is meant to show us how the rest of the town views Lex. Tom greets Lex with hope and positivity until she pushes him back. Then we see the themes of greed start to set in place as he tries to use her to guarantee himself a Wiggly. It establishes a complicated relationship between these two characters. (One I absolutely adore.)

Frank's opinion of her is clear from the beginning. He views her as a delinquent and makes that clear even as she tries to keep things between them light. She's patient and almost playful with Frank up until the moment he starts lecturing her. Of course we learn more about her through his expositive lecture, but we also learn just as much through her reactions. When Frank starts his lecture, there is a moment where Lex looks genuinely surprised and taken aback. It switches quickly to irritation the moment her mother and her past is brought up but importantly her demeanor only changes to hostile when Frank mentions the part of the puzzle we haven't seen yet.

Hannah.

(Quick interruption because I will always credit incredible talent when I see it, all of this is conveyed completely silently through Angela's acting. Lex doesn't have a lot of lines in Black Friday, but she's still one of the most fleshed out characters in the entire musical. The way she genuinely looks pissed and ready to swing the moment Hannah gets mentioned is insanely telling and we haven't even learned the why yet. While I'm here, the back and forth between Corey as Frank and Angela as Lex is top tier. I don't how these two managed to perfectly capture the begrudging love/hate relationship you have for your coworkers, especially in retail, but they did.)

Up until this point Lex has been sarcastic, cruel and defensive. We get an idea of how bad her home life is, but not the full story. We know she's got some sort of criminal record and we know she's dropped out of school. In the next scene, we find out she's not above stealing either.

So now let's get into meeting Ethan, and more importantly, meeting Hannah.

Because, and I know it's hard to remember, this post is about Lex's views on responsibility. As of right now, we are set to expect Lex not to be responsible. She dropped out. She's got a record. She steals. She is sarcastic with people looking out for her interests and defensive against people calling her out on her behavior.

The first thing she asks her boyfriend is: Where’s my sister?

It's established immediately that once her shock and excitement at seeing him passes her first concern is: Hannah.

We also hear this concern is not just a knee-jerk realization. She's been telling Ethan every day for 4 weeks straight that he needs to pick up her sister.

The line is glossed over quickly, because of the introduction and the way in which Ethan reassures her almost immediately that he hasn't forgotten.

But I want you to think about it for a minute.

It's clear by even this seconds long introduction scene of Ethan that Lex cares about him. We see her genuinely smile for the first time the entire day and rush over to him. Yet, her concern for her sister is still very present. So present in fact, that she's been thinking about this one moment, this one instance she trusts someone else with Hannah's wellbeing, for a month straight. We know Lex trusts Ethan. She trusts him to clear everything with the buyer. She trusts him on fixing up his car to get them out of town and across the country. She even trusts him to be the 'smarter' of the two and takes his word on how to spell 'liar'.

The fact that she has been pestering Ethan about this for as long as she has tells us Hannah is an exception. Because the rest of those things she can handle being wrong on, losing control on.

Hannah is her responsibility and we'll end up seeing just how important that responsibility is to Lex in every single appearance we follow her character.

Ok. So our delinquent has a soft spot for her sister and a chip on her shoulder about her home life. What else did we learn from this scene?

Let's go over what we know, we know that Lex being back in school is a good thing. Immediately my instinct was to assume that was because of bad attendance that she had to work on improving. However, thanks to the Tarot Cards revealed this year, we finally know exactly what Lex's record officially is. She went to juvie for arson. Now it doesn't eliminate the possibility of bad attendance but it does recontextualize what Tom meant when he said Lex was, 'back in school'.

Importantly, we see that bad attendance doesn't seem to be the case for her job either. She's shown to be on time to her shifts, if not early. Frank lets us know that her boyfriend is always hanging around, implying that he's there often, waiting for Lex. However it's not implied that Lex ever leaves her shift or shirks her work to be with him. In fact, we know Ethan gets up to trouble on his own because the cop later tells us he's not allowed in Lakeside anymore. If Lex was associated with him during whatever trouble he caused to get that ban, we can assume she would've lost her job.

We only hear Frank complain about Lex's attitude at work. Not her work ethic or any other problem we would normally associate to a teenager working a minimum wage stocking position such as laziness, tardiness or absences. Those would all be very easy to bring up to accomplish his goal of reminding her to be grateful she has a job. But he doesn't. He has to pull on her past and her family to really dig into her.

Furthermore, in this scene we hear Lex tell Ethan that he'll watch Hannah until she gets off at noon. THEN they'll leave.

The thing is, Lex HAS the doll. She has enough money to leave right then. They're getting $6,500 more than what they initially planned on leaving with. Finishing up the last few hours of her shift isn't going to make a difference now. That paycheck would not be worth it. And yet? She still doesn't leave. She takes a smoke break and goes back in to what she knows is going to be a very long and difficult shift.

Even after their fight in the loading bay, Lex comes back in with patience for Frank's over-the-topness about this 'holy day'. She holds his hand to lead him out in front of the crowd as if he's a princess, begrudgingly, of course. (The choice to sniff him here is always hilarious.) She even starts dancing with him, looking genuinely surprised and amused as he includes her before willingly making sure he's put back together in time for the doors to open.

Lex's patience for her job is crazy. She's dealing with an overbearing manager (who is acting so weird she had to make sure he wasn't the one who smoked before their shift), and a long, long line of customers. Customers who we already know aren't her strong suit. AND, as a reminder, Lex can leave at any time. She has no reason to finish her shift with a buyer lined up.

For someone who we are supposed to assume is a no-good delinquent, all signs point to Lex being a very responsible worker. For someone who we are supposed to assume is a disgruntled uncaring teenager, we've seen her weirdly caring about the adults who hurt her. Both with Tom who she tries to get to move his car so it doesn't get towed, even after his blatant attempt to use her AND to Frank who very personally laid into her after a few too many jokes.

The narrative to paint her as just another uncaring teenager is quickly falling apart. And we've only known Lex for about 15 minutes. 

We know how the rest of Black Friday goes. We know that when her and Frank are taken away by the cult and bound her first thought is about Hannah's safety. How the first time we finally see her drop the tough persona she puts on is when the mob turns to finding her sister, breaking down immediately and begging them to not hurt her.

How later on, when she's told to 'wake the warrior' she goes to the only adult she knows how to trust.

The irony of her story is that she is a kid who should fit the mold all these adults fit into, with holes she doesn't know how to fill. All these worries, all these responsibilities that are dragging these people into going insane, it doesn't work on her.

Because Lex doesn't see her responsibilities as burdens.

Let's talk about Witch in the Web.

We don't see Lex in it. We see Willabella, disguised as Lex. But Lex isn't here.

Yet we still learn a lot about Lex's view on responsibility through this episode. Specifically her responsibility to her sister. In Witch in the Web we meet Duke, aka Douglas Keane. A social worker assigned to Hannah.

We hear from him that Lex has been gone and why. She's in prison. 5 years. Picked up selling her mother's pills.

Only, selling them wasn't her idea. It was Pam's.

Lex could have faced a much shorter sentence, could have argued for her innocence, she goes so far as to confide in Duke this information but still chooses to deny it in court. Duke suggests it's because she was worried about leaving Hannah completely alone. He admits that Lex was more of a mother to Hannah than the horrible woman we finally have the displeasure of meeting in this episode ever was.

There is no nuance to this. It may have been revealed in one small conversation but Lex's love and care for her sister is evident throughout the episode.

It's in the fact that as soon as Lex goes away, the nightmares start for Hannah. It's in the fact that the reason she's able to hold the witch off for as long as she does is because Lex gave her the ukulele. (A gift Pam tries to take credit for, a gift that neither her nor the witch could ever understand. Because it's not about simply about having it. It was always about Lex being the one to give it to her.) It's in the way that Hannah's first safe space she thinks about when she's back in her mind is her room, the one she shared with Lex. In the way the happiest we see Hannah at all in the entire episode is the moment Lex comes in. The moment she comes back.

(Hi! Another talent appreciation break. Can I just say that I love Kendall's version of Hannah so so much. Genuinely in Black Friday and in WitW she kills it. Even in a format like NMT we see her give it her all and nearly steal the show away from everyone else once again. From something as small and endearing as: 'Hiya Duke.' To the infamous 'Lexi!'. I love watching Nick's little smile as Kendall builds up to the line, I also love watching Angela melt in reaction, breaking character in the most in-character way possible.)

Importantly, we learn through WitW that Lex's responsibility to Hannah is always chosen.

Their dynamic could easily fall into the trope of an older sibling burdened with taking care of their younger sibling because of a failing parent. But it doesn't. Even in Black Friday the precedent that is set that Lex chooses to care about her sister. That she doesn't see it as a burden, but rather one of the only good things she has.

That the love she has for her sister is a need.

At first I didn't know what she was to me. At first I didn't know why I cared, or why I wanted, To hold her and rock her to sleep. Did I need her more then she needed me?

This character makes me normal, I swear.

Let's move into Yellow Jacket.

Though we already knew it in Black Friday, it's more explicitly made clear here that Lex has been diligently working since she was 16. We know that she dropped out of school only a year before Black Friday takes place, but we also hear her say later that she has worked at Toyzone for 2 years. So not only did she struggle with school in general, she also willingly picked up a job while attending, juggling the two for about a year.

Yellow Jacket also reinforces the points I brought up during the breakdown of Black Friday. Lex is a hard worker. She takes her responsibility seriously. So seriously, that we now finally start seeing the cracks forming under the surface.

Lex knows she now has a debt she's going to be struggling under for a long time. She's been working for 4 years and has only managed to put away $4,000 in that time. All of it is immediately gone over the course of a single day.

That very night she pivots into taking on more responsibilities, knowing she has to get another job. Which means picking back up the studying and school work we already know she struggled with in the past. All of this on TOP of working a full-time job with some really shitty hours. We know she's being called in early, but also she seems to be closing multiple nights as well? (I don't know, Toyzone only having two employees is so fucking funny to me. Frank, what the hell are you doing man? What is the schedule? What are the hours?! How the hell are you cutting them if only 2 of you work there?!)

Also, quick aside, Lex had a savings account.

That's it. That's the whole point. I mean what more can I say? We know she's definitely living paycheck to paycheck with what money her and Ethan bring in. Which means that every single extra cent Lex earned she never even entertained the idea of spending it on herself. It was put away to be used in emergencies. We also see that later on in the episode when they DO have the extra money, Ethan is understandably thinking about filling out their new home and Lex can only think about putting that money towards her sister.

I swear I'm normal about this character.

I've already somewhat covered the Happy Birthday Hannah scene, BUT WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN. (This will not be the last time either)

The amount of stress we see Lex go into the day with is crazy. Which makes sense, she has been working her ass off for this test for probably a few weeks at this point. She knows she's forgetting something. Even stressed out and panicked, her brain won't let her forget about Hannah. Not completely.

She only barely gets off in time to make it to the test, and even then she's still late and can't get the full time.

She doesn't make it past the first question.

As soon as she realizes what day it is, Lex throws away everything she's worked herself past exhaustion for. All for a chance of trying to get something together for Hannah before the day is over. She rushes to Partyzone, all the way back across town, to drop what little money she had on something fun only to find it closed. She doesn't give up though. She finds something that could work, anything.

She comes home and waits.

When her boyfriend and her sister do return home, she is genuinely relieved to hear that Hannah had a good time. Because at the end of the day, that was all that mattered to Lex. So much so, that she can't help but blame herself for missing it. For being unable to provide the day she would have given Hannah.

Hannah is her responsibility. It's the one she chooses, every time. Even at the cost of everything she has worked for. Because of that she won't ever come home empty-handed.

Even when the best she can do, is a half-filled, stolen balloon and a lousy cupcake.

Yellow Jacket isn't done however.

Even without this absolute WALL I have typed out, even without yet another instance of Lex still going to work despite having enough money to not have to anymore, I really wouldn't have needed to do anything but point out one single line in Ethan's Letter.

You say you're irresponsible. I am too. I don't know if either of us has what it takes to protect Hannah, but she's my sister, not yours.

I think a lot about how Lex views responsibility. I think about how her character is built around the stereotypical disgruntled delinquent teen. I think about how she should fit into the mold of the adults around her. Bitter about responsibilities that are burdens, riddled with holes they don't know how to fill.

I think about how Lex views responsibility as a choice. A choice that she makes out of care, out of love. That responsibility is sacrifice and it's one she makes willingly.

Lex views responsibility as something she isn't capable of, despite everything she does to prove the contrary.

[readymades2002]

trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach

[skimmingmilk]

How soon do ya think Tails starts to be comfortable with sonic? And how would sonic react? I'd imagine it would take a while so when Tails initiates any form of affection like a hug or leaning in for a head pat, Sonic thinks of it as a proud moment and his hearts squeezes internally bc why wouldn't it

This question is kinda based off your fics! I like where you have Tails be on the defensive even if he doesn't mean to be and how Sonic understands in the early stages since they've met

Thank you for the ask! I'm glad you like how I've portrayed the brothers in my fics so far :)

In the timeline of my fics, it's actually pretty quick how comfortable Tails gets with Sonic! Especially given everything he's been through. But Sonic is an unreliable narrator in the sense that for him it feels like it takes forever xD Which is pretty fair to him considering this was a spur of the moment decision; he didn't plan on taking on the role of temporary guardian/protector to a child who has a whole lot of trauma that he can't articulate just yet. Several weeks of that for an eleven-year-old who has no secure attachments and is constantly on the move is like an eternity of struggling.

But it really is only several weeks before they find their rhythm. Because Tails admires and looks up to Sonic from the start. He latches onto him immediately because he's the first person to show him kindness and to care about how he feels. Tails can feel that, it's just hard to fully comprehend it when his worldview so far has been shaped by people hating his very existence for reasons never explained to him. While Tails knows Sonic doesn't feel that way about him, he also doesn't know if that will change someday. Maybe Sonic just hasn't realized what everyone else already knew about him, and maybe one day Tails will do something wrong and Sonic will understand why everyone hated him.

That anxiety lives within him for a while, it runs too deep to be resolved at this age. But what can be resolved much quicker is Tails learning that not every touch hurts. Sometimes it's a fond head pat or an excited high five or a proud fist bump. Each of those make him feel warm and nice and special in a way he never has before, so he soaks up these signs of affection like a sponge.

The problem is that usually Sonic moves too fast, so Tails is often startled by the sudden flash of movement before Sonic can even make contact. So he flinches or bites on instinct, self-preservation beating out logic, until Sonic figures out that he needs to let Tails see that he's coming first. He'll hold his hand out, let him see it, then he can ruffle his fur or give him a fist bump.

Luckily, Sonic adapts to this quickly within those first few weeks, and Tails is super receptive to it. But Tails doesn't initiate any of the contact himself for a while longer. Even when he wants a head pat or to hold Sonic's hand to feel safer in crowded places, he waits for Sonic to make the first move most of the time. The only times where he does initiate the physical contact are when Sonic is sleeping or sick, like in the "Little Gestures" fics, or when Tails is really sleepy and instinctively seeking comfort, like in the little arcade one shot "The Weight of Responsibility."

But "Where Water Wears Away the Stone" is the turning point for Tails where he finally lets himself be comfortable enough with Sonic to reach for him when he needs him, at Sonic's prompting. Unfortunately, Sonic's a brat about it at first xD He's not proud and his heart is not squeezing with affection, it's seizing in a panic because they were never supposed to wind up this attached to each other. Sonic mentally pins 90% of the blame on Tails being attached to him, but what really scares him and what he's really been ignoring for the past few months is that he's already so beyond attached. And that's terrifying for a kid who's never had anyone quite like this in his life.

But after he gets over that, when he and Tails leave Aquatic Ruin Zone and before they get to Casino Night Zone, Sonic adapts again and realizes that it feels warm and nice and special to be the person that Tails decided to trust.

To sum up: it takes about a month for Tails to be comfortable with Sonic initiating any kind of contact. Then several more months for him to figure out how to be the one to initiate when he wants contact. The fear of rejection is just too strong in this one little fox. The one thing that consistently overpowers Tails's absolute faith in Sonic is his lack of faith in himself.

[welcome-to-oslov]

Davita mentions a lot how Tilrey is "naturally submissive", including here at the end as part of the reason she's shocked and thinks she underestimated him (she sure did!). Gourmanian was also the first person to tell him he is - which surprised and troubled him.

Is he though? 🤔

Forcing himself to be (become?) submissive was the fundamental struggle he went through - and I think to an extent was not natural to him (maybe?).

So much of his journey was being forced to make the decision to take submission to a new level:

The first time he slept with Malsha - the first time he made himself not physically resist; though it was a long time before he completely stopped trying to verbally resist, from the time in the car with Krisha, to Spring Fling, to Linden's first beating. (He even submitted when Malsha told him to come back to bed, and cried in Malsha's arms).

The first time he fucked Malsha - he found it so overwhelming, being brought to tears though not quite understanding why; the last time he'd ever done that was sweetly with Dal, and now his life has become this.

Sleeping with the men he was sent to; each time an exercise in forcing himself to "do this".

Gourmanian, where he was surprised to enjoy - crave - the physical sensations of being out of control, yet left uneasy. Partly, b/c despite what Gourmanian said, maybe he could sense Gourmanian was getting off on overpowering/overwhelming him, whether pleasurably as that night or brutally as in Spring Fling (he wouldn't let up trying to bring Tilrey back into those memories).

Linden/Jorning: we haven't yet seen what Jorning gets up to, but we know from Tilrey's memories that he submits to things not out of free will but to end beatings he'd already submitted to but now wants out of - since he doesn't (can't?) rescind his submission to those, he takes another step up in submission in ways we'll see play out.

His first time with Davita: he was surprised to see the huge wooden cock come out, but chose to submit to it as one of his first experiences choosing to re-enact trauma in order to tell himself he's in control this time. Which kind of became an addicting/compulsive pattern for him over many encounters with many people over the ensuing years.

So anyway, for me, I am still wrapping my head around what Tilrey's true relationship with submission may be 🤔. It seems making himself submit was, each time from the beginning & throughout, very traumatic emotionally on him; a trauma that changes/shapes you. It changed so much how he expresses himself, sees himself, interacts with Upstarts as well as those he loves throughout his life.

Now, his reaching the point where he *cannot* submit to anyone - he must lead! - is making me mull over all of this again! In some ways it must feel equally as hard, in the opposite way, as that very first time he let ("let") Malsha touch him.

I’m still wrapping myself around his true relationship with submission too! This is one of those knots that is so hard to untangle, especially with someone who has been abused. It’s easy for Davita to say he is “naturally submissive” (Besha too) because that’s part of her ideology. Laborers (and low Upstarts) are “supposed” to want to be told what to do.

But real life and real desires are so much more complicated. Someone who wants to submit sexually, in a safe space with a safe partner, might not be at all submissive in a different setting or when they feel unsafe.

Tilrey has a long history of being forced to submit in unsafe ways, as in your examples! So initially he hates it, and if he does feel any pleasure, he’s ashamed. Bror is the first one to tell him that sexual submission can be a free choice someone makes, even someone who is powerful outside the bedroom. Gourmanian knows that and claims to offer that safe experience, but Tilrey doesn’t have free choice with him, so it’s not really safe. As he goes through life, he’ll seek out similar experiences where he has more and more control over the boundaries.

So is he really submissive? I don’t know, but this character continually makes me question what that means. I do think by nature Tilrey is introverted and not someone who tends to rush into every situation and dominate it. He likes to let things wash over him, process, and then decide on a course of action. (That slowness is why Einara was frustrated by him!) But he’s also someone who has a strong will and ideas about how things should be, and he’s willing to take a leadership role to make things better.

So I think when Davita says he’s naturally submissive, she’s mapping the binaries of D/s onto the real world, which doesn’t work! Even in the bedroom, she wanted to switch roles with Tilrey at one point. Power dynamics in and outside sex can be much more fluid than she realizes.

Curious to hear more thoughts on this, because I think about it a lot!

[celestialpotat0]

Ranunculus

2025 has been awful. Wildfires in LA, plane crash at Reagan, what the people running our country have been doing, Myanmar earthquake. Thinking about one makes me so sad, then the next disaster strikes. Just telling myself that whenever tragedy strikes, look for the people who are doing good to help. There are always helpers and givers.

But in an attempt to focus on the good, I wanted to take a minute to record recent blessings. I have a tendency, especially during winter, to let life pass me by without taking the time to reflect and jot down the memories I want to keep. So much has happened, I really shoulda been writing everything down all along.

Winter was a time of saving up PTO, so just worked steadily end of fall and all winter without taking any vacation days. I had the opportunity to perform again this past weekend. I felt nervous the afternoon before the show, and the thought came up in which I questioned why I try to pursue performing. I had rushed home right after work and had to quickly eat some chips and a bar, apply my makeup, do my hair, change into my costume, wear outer layers, prepare backup costume pieces and hair accessories, and rush to the show. I wondered why I put myself through it, because I was nervous about messing up in front of the audience. What if I trip and fall or make a mistake? Why do I even bother doing this to myself?

Afterward, Arina, Haley, and I finished performing and all sat next to each other as audience members to watch the rest of the show. I didn’t even realize until we were all sitting down how hard I was panting, and my heart racing, and I was sweating, and I could hear my fellow dancers next to me all breathing hard too. That magical moment after you get offstage, when you’re no longer focused on performing each count, and the adrenaline has subsided, that you realize how much physical effort you exerted and it all paid off and was so worth it. You feel a sense of camaraderie with your fellow dancers.

This most recent return to dance since October has been not without challenges. There were days I left hip hop feeling disappointed in myself, like I just forced myself to get out of bed, barely have time to eat, drive all the way to Santa Clara and back, and I just felt like my performance was shitty. So felt like I sacrificed a significant amount of my Saturday and then felt exhausted for hours afterward, all for me to hate how I danced. I have been dancing through this painful thing on my foot (don’t know what it is because I still haven’t gotten it checked out yet), and one night in Modern I was so distracted by the pain on my foot that I wasn’t dancing as well as I knew I could’ve, then I really despised myself afterward. I felt like I had wasted an evening of dance. Like you sacrificed so much to make it to class and get not enough sleep for work the next day and not cook or do anything productive that evening, and then you “failed” yourself at dance anyway. In this case I knew I could’ve done better, but psychologically I couldn’t control my mind to focus enough on dance because I allowed my mind to be distracted by the pain. 

And there are moments of decision-making that are psychologically painful, such as when I had the opportunity to participate in a 6-week workshop to learn excerpts from the ballet, Don Quixote. On the one hand, I couldn’t participate in it because I had to work during many of the sessions anyway. But the painful part was realizing that I was also scared to participate, because I haven’t taken a ballet class since 2023, and I was intimidated by the thought of doing this workshop with people who were probably extremely comfortable with ballet, and it’s not a fun feeling to struggle at something or feel clearly inferior and inadequate. But the other painful part of that situation was knowing that in 2023 I actually felt highly comfortable with ballet. I had been taking a lot of ballet leading up to that and would’ve felt good signing up for the Don Quixote workshops at a brand new studio with complete strangers. Then to see that had regressed to how I was feeling in 2025 where I’m nervous to take ballet with strangers in a new class because I might end up looking like I’m struggling. The decision-making part that I agonize over is the constant battle between pushing myself out of my comfort zone and having self-compassion. And the pain of realizing that when I stop one genre, my comfort will fade quickly, and I’ll feel like I’m back to square one again, but that’s just the reality of being an adult dancer that I have to accept. Life blocks you from dancing sometimes, and you’ll get knocked down and all the progress you’ve made will disappear. 

All this to say that throughout the being tough on myself, when I look at the broader picture and take a step back at the longer journey, instead of on an individual class basis, I do appreciate the progress I’ve made. And it’s that growth that feels so rewarding. Finally seeing that I am indeed getting better, slowly. And I am truly blessed to have my body intact, which allows me to dedicate my time and pour my soul into this art form.

[monthyear-majo]

1. Overwhelmed

Right now I am at a point in my life where I feel pressured to be better.

Do you ever see posts about people you used to know and notice how they are doing so well in life? Well, do you really know what's going on in their life? Probably not. But they do a great job at making you feel jealous because they have their life together better than you do. I am only 25, yet still I feel like I have no time. Is that normal? To feel like you have no time? I think it is. I mean, it can't possibly be just me. Life is just so fast and I feel like I've not done anything at all but when I see those kinds of posts from people I used to know it makes me feel like I am left behind.

I work at a cafe. I make drinks all day and come home smelling like tea. I love tea but I don't like being here for ten hours a day. I'm a full time student right now too. I'm majoring in something I thought would at least make me happy but as I grow older and realize how long it's taking me to graduate with a bachelor's degree, I ask myself if I want to be in school anyway. I'm so close yet so far. There is always something wrong with my transcript, always gotta make appointments to talk to my advisor and the problem is never truly resolved. So my graduation date gets pushed behind. I am 25 and only have an associates in which I can probably use but I'm too afraid of change to do anything about it. While my job is demanding and pays shit— I don't really want to leave.

I was clinically diagnosed with depression. a year ago but if you ask me I've had depression for years. I never told my family because having depression in a hispanic household is real taboo. Sometimes I'd bring it up to my parents and they would say it's all in my head. Duh— its a mental disorder? Anyway, they bypassed it all of the time.

Now I struggle to keep myself from wallowing in self-pity but it's kind of hard when you sometimes hate yourself. Your mind, body, and soul. Those things are important and if you hate one of them or most of them, are you even human? Can I call myself a human if I despise the three traits that are meant to make me human? Well, I have a beating heart and a functioning brain I guess.

The financial tension is also kind of insane right now. We have a shitty president who is running up again for elections this term and his runner up? An even shittier candidate who hates anyone who isn't white. Our country is in flames and we keep adding to the fire. Especially our government who make decisions based on ignorance and racism. Now? Now it's hard to afford a gallon of milk because you make 14 dollars an hour, ten hours a day for five days but you still have to pay your twenty-three hundred dollar rent by next month and your $500+ utility bills and you decide you don't really need that gallon of milk. But wait— your tuition payment is due next week and thank god you get paid on Friday! Only your boss pays you three days late causing you to overdraft on your account because planet fitness took out that damn monthly payment that you owe them for using their gym. Do you even go? The answer is no, you don't. So why do you give them 22 dollars every month? Because you don't want to go all the way up there to cancel. Stupid. You've got all of these payments to make, can't afford to help your parents with the rent (because thats the kicker! They're the ones paying the 2300 but you can't even help them with half because you don't make enough unless you quit school and work seven days a week) and all you're left with is .23 cents in your bank account. Not to mention you're 17k in debt with credit cards and loans, some of that debt shouldn't even be yours but you offer your credit to your parents because you love them and want to help them out some kind of way.

Point is, you have no money and no way of getting out of this unstable financial situation without endangering your education and social life. You work to pay bills. You live to not die but die slowly while living. How is that fair?

And then you get depressed but haven't you seen the homeless people who have no food of shelter? Don't you see that the Palestinian's are getting killed? For what? For what? What did they do? Why is America, why is Israel, why—

Because it's all about money. it's all about political power and guess what? You can't do anything about it. Maybe you can boycott, but you can barely feed yourself and you live in a country where everything is about status and power. And they are dying. And suddenly you feel like you don't have a right to be upset or depressed. You are safe, here in a worthless money-driven country and they are there, dying of starvation.

But I am overwhelmed. I work and I study and I still get nowhere. My grades are C-average and despite what everyone says about C's get degrees, you're not achieving anything.

I am typing this at work. it's slow today. I still don't want to do anything and I'm feeling a sort of anger. At myself? Probably. I am tired and I somehow just want to go home and watch my favorite pirate show.

[bi-zemo]

curiousity - tate langdon x male reader

tate hates that students moved into the house, but the guy that moved into his room may be able to help him with something.

based of the british concept of student houses (aka bunch of students rent a shitty house together while in uni) idk if americans have those but idc, reader takes drugs btw, bottom tate

crossposted on ao3

The house being turned into a student house was a decision hated by the ghosts, young people moving in and out every year bringing with them mess, drugs, drinking and parties. The ghosts had no privacy and the students were so busy or so high that they couldnt be haunted out. Tate was of the opinion he had gotten the worst deal, yes he enjoyed being out in the open during the many house parties but the current resident of his room was arguably the worst yet. Every other night, every night when there was a break from college, the resident of tates bedroom would bring someone, or on occasion multiple people, into what tate considered his space. They would take pills or drop acid or snort something and that was when tate would leave, right as a tie or sock was slung over the doorknob. It pissed him off, that sort of thing happening in his room, he wasn't exactly the virgin mary himself but the amount of guys going in and out of that room was disgusting. The fact that it was men really didn't help the students' case in tates eyes, there were enough dead queers in the house without alive ones moving in. He was curious though.

I walked through the house, squeezing past people in the stairwell and struggling up the steps as the tab I had dropped nearly an hour ago made each step warp and move. “Need some help sweetheart?” I relaxed my grip on the bannister and turned to the familiar voice, the guy who I had been seeing occasionally standing behind me. “I'm good, i think, you’re free to come up if you want though.” I smirked slightly, trying not to laugh at how the taller mans usually beautiful features had become disproportioned. my arm was gently grabbed and I was led upstairs, the people thinning out as we headed to the bedrooms. “Let me guess, acid” “Yeah only a tab tho-” I turned only to find he had disappeared, the darkness feeling so much more terrifying with the psychedelics fucking with my vision. “Looking for someone?” I whipped around facing down the landing again, except now there was a man staring darkly at me, his figure somehow still in the ever changing room. “My friend, he was just here..” “Probably just drunk, or on something knowing this place, you going somewhere?” “Yeah, was going to bed,” I felt uneasy in the darkness, especially with the man's dark eyes staring into me. I longed to be back in the party downstairs. “I can walk you to bed if you want” “I think i can manage” i was becoming less sure of that, the man somehow amplifying the effects of the acid while still remaining perfect. “You sure about that love? Whatever you've taken seems to be making it hard to walk” “It's just,” i attempted to walk a straight line “the floor keeps moving, that's all” The guy grabbed my arm where my friend had before and led me along the hallway, stopping right outside my door despite the fact that i hadn't told him where it was. I was caught off guard by how quickly we had traversed the seemingly lengthened hallway. “You can uh, you can come in, i think i have some wine under my bed, or like some beer maybe” The man smiled and opened the door, stepping in like he was already at home in my small room. He settled on the mess of quilts and pillows that was my bed, almost lounging. “I’ll have whatever, don't think you should though not sure how it'll interact with,” he gestured at my current state. “Yeah, lemme just,” I got on my knees, rooting around under my bed until I found the bottle of cheap wine I had hidden from my housemates under there. “Didn't expect you on your knees so quickly,” he joked, making me feel less uneasy around this almost stranger. I laughed quietly handing him the bottle. “You owe me, its my last bottle.” “Ill be sure to bring one next time i'm here.” “Good to know you’ll be back” The guys eyes glinted at me as he uncorked the bottle and took a swig, his adams apple bobbing as he almost chugged it down. “Thirsty?” “Just tryna catch up with you.” I stood up flipping on my leds with the remote from my bedside table and tugged my hoodie off, chucking it on a nearby chair. “Why is that?” I settled on the bed next to him, slouching down and staring at the ceiling as colours swirled around my bare lightbulb. I felt him shift and his face came into view. “Well from what i know about you, being fucked up makes this better.” And with that he kissed me, soft inexperienced lips almost aggressively connecting with mine. I wound my hands into his soft hair, the acid making his short breaths deafening, and he crawled on top of me, his knee moving between my thighs. His movements were stunted, my heightened senses picking up how his hands only ghosted my clothed skin. I moved my other arm to slide the fingers under the hem of his shirt to where a stretch of skin was revealed from his shirt riding up. I felt his breathing stop for barely a second when my fingers brushed his lower back, that second taking much longer than it should. Our lips parted, a string of saliva breaking after a moment, and I opened my eyes to see him staring at me again with those black eyes. “Tate stop bothering him,” He jolted and I saw a girl standing in the doorway, her figure having the same effect of not moving as the doorway swayed around her. He quickly moved off me, adjusting his shirt hastily. “I guess I should go.” I felt almost disappointed, oddly cold without his touch. The girl had disappeared. “Whose she? You don't have to leave.” “Violet, she's uh, a friend.” an ex then, “I'm gonna go.” “You still owe me that wine.” “I know”

It was the next day and my mind was tired, the comedown not treating me well. I was pottering around the kitchen making pasta when I heard a voice. “I brought that wine” It was the guy,tate I recalled from that fever dream of a night. “How did you get in?” “Door was unlocked.” He handed me a bottle, one of the cheap brands my household favoured, and I tucked it under my arm, grabbing my bowl of pasta. “Wanna come upstairs?”

Tate could barely hold himself back, an invisible thread pulling him to the man he had only kissed for a moment yet felt like he knew entirely. The bottle of wine had been discarded on the bedside table and the guy was talking wearily about his classes or something along that vein. “So what do you study” Tate realised he should answer. “Oh, i don't go to college, dropped out of high school” The lie slipped out easily, something he had told previous owners of this room. He hadn't planned on talking to the guy again, just kissing him the night before out of curiosity, but it had felt like a bolt of electricity had hit him the moment they touched and he couldn't help but want to feel like that again, like he was alive. He found himself shuffling closer as they talked, turning his head right as the other turned his. The animated talking stopped immediately as their eyes locked.

I almost didn't realise we were kissing again, one minute tates dark eyes were staring straight into mine next his lips were on mine, more aggressive than the night before, all signs of inexperience gone. I melted into him, hands moving to grip the front of his shirt and pull him into me. This time when we drew apart we barely paused before he dug a hand into my hair and pulled me into him again. The initial shock had worn off and I started an attempt to be in charge again, slipping my tongue into his mouth and moving my hand down to his waist. I pulled away and moved to his neck, hearing barely there gasps as I gently bit below his ear. At this point I had pushed him against the headboard of my bed, my thighs straddling one of his. “Fuck” I chuckled lightly at the word, barely mumbled after my hand had slipped under his shirt and started gently caressing his waist. I could feel his breathing pause when I moved along his sensitive v line and teased the waistband of his jeans. Each touch had a physical reaction and I found myself addicted to finding a new sound or twitch. “I want to fuck you.” His dark bambi eyes looked up at me when he heard the sentence, cheeks flushed and lips slick with spit. I couldn't tell if he was batting his eyelashes on purpose. “Go ahead.” My hand went from fiddling his jeans button to unbuttoning them, pulling them down past his erection that was trapped behind his baggy boxers, he had pushed his shoes off when he sat on my bed and so his jeans slipped off easily, leaving his plush thighs to start pebbling with goosebumps from my cold room. He began pulling off his own t-shirt as I began slipping off my sweatpants and hoodie. The moment we were both almost naked I reconnected our lips, my hands exploring his warm thighs and ass, pulling him up to rest on his knees over my lap. “You're beautiful tate.” He flushed, the blush spreading down his chest. “Just fuck me already.” Such dirty words coming out of his timid blushed form made my cock twitch, and i couldn't help but follow what he said. I pushed Tate back, hearing the headboard bang against the wall as he thumped onto the bed, and tugged his boxers past those beautiful thighs, leaving kisses as I went. His thighs were soon hooked around my head, almost suffocating me as I lapped at his ass, preparing him gently and teasing out those gaspy moans. He had seemed unsure when I initially dove down but his heels pressing against my back and pulling me closer eradicated any fear that he wasn't enjoying this. His hands tugged my hair drawing me closer still. Without looking up I grabbed the lube from my bedside table, only coming up for air to read the label. I had grabbed the flavoured luckily. I squirted it onto his taint, watching him shiver as it slid over his ass before sliding a finger in and letting my mouth join it. The sweet flavour suited him. He winced slightly but still let out a groan and pulled my now sweaty hair to the point where it almost hurt. Another finger slipped in easily and I felt his legs squeeze as I started moving them gently. I moved up, still fingering him to force out the whines, and let him pull me up to kiss him. I hastily pushed off my boxers with my free hand and leant over to grab a condom. I withdrew my fingers with a squelch, causing Tate to open his eyes and look at me through his blonde fringe, his eyelashes fluttering again. I rolled the condom on and lined myself up, leaning into tates cold neck as I pushed in. The noise he made was unforgettable, like a combination of a gasp and a deep groan, i rocked my hips slightly as i eased in my full length. A moment later I grabbed his left thigh and pushed his leg up, allowing me to bottom out with a sigh. “Fuck, holy fuck” His head was thrown back as he said this, his throat bared and his eyes shut gently. I pushed his other thigh back until he was almost folded in half and began thrusting, my breaths coming out in pants as his ass squeezed around me almost too tight. I could see his cock hard against his stomach, oozing precum onto the pale skin. “You’re taking me so good honey” He blushed and I saw his cock twitch at the praise. “Such a good boy.” And with that I pulled out almost my full length, thrusting back in as hard as I could and making him moan loud enough that my housemates would most definitely ask about it later. I tried the best I could to keep up the speed, enjoying watching tates beautiful reactions. He was gripping the headboard above him at this point, tears forming in his eyes and drool slipping from the corner of his mouth. “Can-” he could barely talk from moaning so i slowed, “can you take the condom off, i wanna feel-” he blushed. “You wanna feel what baby.” “I wanna feel you cum inside.” He must've felt my dick twitch then, his words coming out desperate enough that if i had been any closer i may have come. I shouldn't have, he could have an std for all i knew, but i slid out and removed the condom. Pushing back in caused tate to hiss as i hadn't lubed up a second time, but when i paused he begged me to keep going and moaned loudly as i bottomed out. The warmth was almost burning now that I could feel it fully. I moved slowly at first before the friction subsided and I could go faster again. “Fuck, tate, im close” He whined, blonde hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, and I gave one final thrust that almost pushed him up the bed before cumming. As I rode out my orgasm I felt him clench and shudder as he came over his chest. I kept going to help him through before my softening cock slipped out and I collapsed onto the bed next to him. “I didn't realise it would feel that good” His words came out hoarse and breathless, I turned with mild surprise. “You haven't had sex with-” “With a guy, no.” I was too exhausted to comment, just rolling over and pulling him to my chest. “You took it well.” I felt him hesitantly snuggle into my chest.

Tate felt the others' breath even out and instantly made himself disappear, pulling on his clothes and moving towards the door, stopping only to fix his hair in the mirror and wipe the dried spit from his mouth. “Didn’t take you for a queer.” Tate rolled his eyes, pushing past violet. “Didn't take you for a voyeur” He ignored that he could feel the other mans cum beginning to run down his thigh.

[monotonecomplainyguy]

For the send a fandom: Tsushima.

Left field. Bitch.

Mofo making me add yet another game onto this blog, spoiler alert I loved ghost of tsushima and think everyone should play it. ps. spoilers ahead cause I cant for the life of me figure out how to hide text till you click it.

The first character I fell in love with: tbh Yuna, her blatant disregard for the rules and expectations in favor of doing good is great, even if that good is selfish from time to time. Her growth throughout the story just reaffirms this even more too.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: That'll have to go to Masako, her introduction led me to believe that her as a character would be nothing more than a cheap revenge ploy, and while her questline kinda leaned into that hard her as a character grew on me. The duel with her had me literally yelling that I better not have to kill her.

The character everyone else loves that I dont: Shoot me, but Ryuzo. As a character hes as good as every other major character but thats why I dont like him, his betrayal hits hard especially after listening to the banter between him and Jin about their childhoods. As they spoke about parting ways after their initial duel I seriously hoped they could reconnect over the course of saving their home.

The character I love that everyone else hates: I dont know if hes necessarily a hated character but Ive heard several people say they really didnt like Norio. A lot of people say his quest is two dimensional and bland but looking past that Norio feels like the only character that really understands Jin's struggle with what needs to be done and his expectations as a samurai. Through the second and third act he feels like a reassurance at Jin's back, that his decision is a difficult one but one that needs to be made.

The character I used to love but dont any longer: Ishikawa, Initially I thought he would be the basis for a growing understanding that what Jin and Yuna did was necessary, especially with what he did with Tomoe. But he remained just as stubborn and while I can understand why it doesn't mean I have to like it. Hes a good character but not my cup of tea.

The character I would totally smooch: Probably no one in the way you would expect, but Yuriko needed a kiss on the forehead and praise for doing such a good job even in her old age and told not to worry about Jin. At least she was one of the few that got to pass peacefully.

The character I'd want to be like: Taka hands down, he tries so hard to be something hes not, and when he found a way he could help he put his heart into it. Then even in the face of the Khan he put on a brave face and knowing full well he stood no chance tried to do what he thought was right. In many ways hes a reflection of Jin yet not so gifted that he can fight for his home, yet he still raised a sword when it mattered the most. His death by far killed me the most.

The character I'd slap: Lord Shimura, this man infuriates me so much yet I cant hate him because of how sad he is. The ending killed me, seeing his pain in having to face Jin, losing the person he considered his Son, and even more so after sparing him. He could've helped change everything and even if he disowned Jin officially he could've still let him go after everything that happened. But now he continued to be shackled by his idealology of honor and it forced him to push away his son all the more. I get its not easy to change what someone is raised to believe in whole heartedly but you would expect the loss of the last of your family to help with that, but no.

A pairing that I love: Jin and Tomoe, I feel like they are two very different edges of the same coin. Jin choosing a path that leads to a great many regrets that become overshadowed by the good that followed, and Tomoe falling down a selfish path filled with many more regrets and struggling to correct it. Is this generic? maybe, is it cliché enough that I like it still? of course. What do you want from me cliché is my middle name. Also yes Im aware she hardly had any screen time and her and Jin hardly interacted, I like thinking about unlikely things, its called headcannon for a reason.

A pairing that I despise: I dont despise it but I dont really like it either, Jin and Yuna feels kinda wrong. The two of them went through so much together and it feels like one of those dynamics thats very rooted in a deep friendship and nothing more. Plus after spending so much time together in so many stressful scenarios changing how they see each other would be a monumental challenge, especially after Yuna lost Taka and would most likely be hesitant about getting close to someone else. Losing a family member often causes people to push away the thought of relationships for awhile.

[fanficdumbchic]

Hey there! I love your work :) Was just wondering if you would be able to do a dating hicks and Hudson from Aliens headcanon <3 separately if thats okay.

Love , P.

What It's Like to Date US Colonial Marines

Headcanon - USCM x Reader - SFW

AN: Thank you P.! You're a sweetie. Here's a dating headcanon for each of the main marines. Hope you enjoy! Look forward to more requests from you. :)

Private Drake

Drake is so balls-to-the-wall supportive of anything you do, especially if you're being bad ass as shit.

Drake does not mind being overshadowed by you at all. He's just happy to have you.

He is great in bed and actually gives a fuck about what you both want.

He's not just your partner, he's like your best friend. He's loyal as fuck and devoted as fuck when he finds you because you're his person.

He would do anything for you (within reason) without question.

But he's not going to put up with your shit either. He calls you out when you need to be more aware of what you're doing and has very healthy boundaries. And like wise, even if he is very emotional about a certain happenstance, he is still very self-aware and able to hear reason when you call him out too.

Drake has no toxic masculinity bullshit to deal with, he is incredibly confident in himself and dismisses ridicule for anything considered ‘unmanly’.

Drake is not a full dom, he prefers to switch because he wants both of you to feel powerful.

Definitely the male counterpart in a power couple.

Lieutenant Gorman

He is very closed-off and stand-offish at first.

He takes himself and his job very seriously and he isn't great with handling criticism.

He has hardcore humiliation trauma.

He's not good at functioning under pressure but always tries to do the right thing when it really counts.

He's someone where it takes you awhile to get past his cold, serious exterior, but once you do, he really is a sweetie.

He's slow to trust, but once he trusts you he is loyal to a fault.

He has a lot of trust issues but he tries really hard to work through them.

He realizes that he's not very physically or publicly affectionate but tries his hardest to make sure you feel loved regardless.

He shuts down during arguments and fights. Being yelled at immediately sends him into a panic attack.

However, he doesn't avoid your problems, he just has to be in a calm environment to deal with it.

He will not cry in front of anyone, even you. This guy has some emotional trauma but again, he's working on it. He most likely comes from a strict, military family and that's his baggage.

Even if he's not the easiest partner to have, he makes up for it where it counts and loves you.

Corporal Hicks

Hicks is just such a wholesomely good guy.

He has hella respect for strong women and actually listens.

While he closely follows the orders/instructions of those he knows are more qualified to be making the decisions, he still thinks for himself and sticks to his own moral compass.

He is very non-confrontational except in extreme circumstances.

One of his flaws is that he is a giver to a fault. His main thing is making sure everyone around him is good before he thinks of himself.

He will sacrifice for you and the people he cares about without a second thought.

His affection towards you is subtle and sometimes awkward but so sweet and thoughtful.

He wants nothing more than to see you thrive even when he's not.

He would rather everything remain calm and struggles during heated confrontation. He can be non-confrontational to a fault and fails to see any purpose in it.

Yet, it doesn't change the fact that he is always willing to face issues and work through them with you. He just doesn't feel conflict is the way to achieve that.

He definitely dotes on and spoils you, wanting the best for you and nothing less.

He just wants to be your hero.

Private Hudson

He definitely is reminiscent of the 'lovable asshole' archetype.

Hates when things don't go according to plan.

Humor is definitely his coping mechanism and love language.

He picks on you in a loving way but sometimes hurts your feelings with it. When he realizes that he went too far, he apologizes and stays away from those areas in the future. He really doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

He loves bickering with you like an you're both an old married couple. It's part of the fun for him.

He can be really stubborn and pigheaded sometimes and it can take awhile for him to get over his pride and admit you had a point or were flat-out right. But he always gets there.

He's incredibly cocky but takes his lumps without complaint when his ego is deflated.

Sometimes he is genuinely clueless about what he did wrong even if you think it's obvious. He's not the smartest boy.

Always dtf.

Loves to randomly smack you on the ass and see you blush.

When things go really wrong, you definitely have to be the calm one and keep him turned down a notch. But again, makes the right decisions when it really counts.

He loves to call you baby doll or baby girl or sweetheart.

Can you tell he's my favorite?

Private Vasquez

Unapologetic bad bitch.

Tough as nails and def has trauma she is not dealing with it.

Her philosophy is to suck it up and always push through it.

She is definitely the dominant partner and while she loves and cares for you, she does not like depending on others.

It takes awhile for her to trust and depend on people, you included.

Her love language is taking a bullet for you rather than being super lovey dovey. But affection is not something she shuns completely.

When she is vulnerable with you, she is deeply vulnerable with you.

She understands that she can be a really intense partner but she's not changing for you or anyone. That's who she is and she needs someone who's down with that.

She definitely is always trying to prepare for the worst case scenario and she hates surprises. They stress her out.

She never lets you feel unappreciated and notices even the little things you do.

She is a beast in bed.

She's one of those people where when they finally open up to you, it feels really special because you understand it takes a lot for them.

Like Drake, she is ride-or-die. She will not leave your side through even the worst shit. She goes hard af for the people she loves.

[writerbuddha]

George Lucas on attachment from 1999 to 2021

BILL MOYERS: Do you know yet what, in a future episode, is going to transform Anakin Skywalker to the dark side?

GEORGE LUCAS: Yes, I know what that is. The groundwork has been laid in this episode. The film is ultimately about the dark side and the light side, and those sides are designed around compassion and greed. The issue of greed, of getting things and owning things and having things and not being able to let go of things, is the opposite of compassion--of not thinking of yourself all the time. These are the two sides--the good force and the bad force. They're the simplest parts of a complex cosmic construction.

George Lucas and Bill Moyers 1999, Time Magazine (http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,990820-2,00.html)

GEORGE LUCAS: He turns into Darth Vader because he gets attached to things. He can't let go of his mother; he can't let go of his girlfriend. He can't let go of things. It makes you greedy. And when you're greedy, you are on the path to the dark side, because you fear you're going to lose things, that you're not going to have the power you need.

George Lucas to Time Magazine April, 2002 (http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,1002323-3,00.html)

GEORGE LUCAS: In this film, (Phantom Menace) you begin to see that he has a fear of losing things, a fear of losing his mother, and as a result, he wants to begin to control things, he wants to become powerful, and these are not Jedi traits. And part of these are because he was starting to be trained so late in life, that he'd already formed these attachments. And for a Jedi, attachment is forbidden.

George Lucas to CNN, May 8, 2002 (https://edition.cnn.com/2002/SHOWBIZ/Movies/05/07/ca.s02.george.lucas/index.html)

GEORGE LUCAS: Jedi Knights aren’t celibate – the thing that is forbidden is attachments – and possessive relationships.

George Lucas to BBC, May 12, 2002 (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/1989505.stm)

GEORGE LUCAS: Well, a lot of people got very upset, saying he should’ve been this little demon kid. But the story is not about a guy who was born a monster – it’s about a good boy who was loving and had exceptional powers, but how that eventually corrupted him and how he confused possessive love with compassionate love. That happens in Episode II: Regardless of how his mother died, Jedis are not supposed to take vengeance. And that’s why they say he was too old to be a Jedi, because he made his emotional connections. His undoing is that he loveth too much.

George Lucas to Rolling Stones, 2005 (https://www.rollingstone.com/movies/movie-news/george-lucas-and-the-cult-of-darth-vader-247142/)

GEORGE LUCAS: The core issue, ultimately, is greed, possessiveness - the inability to let go. Not only to hold on to material things, which is greed, but to hold on to life, to the people you love - to not accept the reality of life’s passages and changes, which is to say things come, things go. Everything changes. Anakin becomes emotionally attached to things, his mother, his wife. That’s why he falls - because he does not have the ability to let go.

No human can let go. It’s very hard. Ultimately, we do let go because it’s inevitable; you do die, and you do lose your loved ones. But while you’re alive, you can’t be obsessed with holding on. As Yoda says in this one, [The scene in which Anakin seeks Yoda’s counsel] You must learn to let go of everything you’re afraid to let go of.’ Because holding on is in the same category and the precursor to greed. And that’s what a Sith is. A Sith is somebody that is absolutely obsessed with gaining more and more power - but for what? Nothing, except that it becomes an obsession to get more. The Jedi are trained to let go. They’re trained from birth, they’re not supposed to form attachments. They can love people- in fact, they should love everybody. They should love their enemies; they should love the Sith. But they can’t form attachments. So, what all these movies are about is: greed. Greed is a source of pain and suffering for everybody. And the ultimate state of greed is the desire to cheat death.

J. W. Rinzel - The Making of Revenge of the Sith page 213, published in 2005

GEORGE LUCAS: Anakin wants to be a Jedi, but he cannot let go of the people he loves in order to move forward in his life. The Jedi believe that you don’t hold on to things, that you let things pass through you, and if you can control your greed, you can resolve the conflict not only in yourself but in the world around you, because you accept the natural course of things. Anakin’s inability to follow this basic guideline is at the core of his turn to the Dark Side.

George Lucas to sci-fi online, 2005 (http://www.sci-fi-online.com/Interview/05-11-01_GeorgeLucas.htm)

GEORGE LUCAS: Love is a secret to the universe, which is compassion, which is love others, take care of others, help each other. (…) Struggle in Star Wars is about passion against compassion. Which is greed, against giving and giving up primarily and the whole issue is the flipside of greed is fear of losing. So you are either trying to get things or afraid to lose things that you’ve got and the idea is to let go of those things." - George Lucas, 2007, Devin Kumar Productions (http://www.devinkumar.com/interview-with-george-lucas/)

GEORGE LUCAS: The fact that everything must change and that things come and go through his life and that he cannot hold onto things, which is a basic Jedi philosophy that he isn't willing to accept emotionally and the reason that is because he was raised by his mother rather than the Jedi. If he'd have been taken in his first years and started to study to be a Jedi, he wouldn’t have this particular connection as strong as it is and he'd have been trained to love people but not to become attached to them.

But he become attached to his mother and he will become attached to Padme and these things are, for a Jedi, who needs to have a clear mind and not be influenced by threats to their attachments, a dangerous situation. And it feeds into fear of losing things, which feeds into greed, wanting to keep things, wanting to keep his possessions and things that he should be letting go of. His fear of losing her turns to anger at losing her, which ultimately turns to revenge in wiping out the village. The scene with the Tusken Raiders is the first scene that ultimately takes him on the road to the dark side. I mean he’s been prepping for this, but that’s the one where he’s sort of doing something that is completely inappropriate.

He’s greedy in that he wants to keep his mother around, he’s greedy in that he wants to become more powerful in order to control things in order to keep the things around that he wants. There’s a lot of connections here with the beginning of him sliding into the Dark Side.

(...)

Because of that, and because he was unwilling to let go of his mother, because he was so attached to her, he committed this terrible revenge on the tusked raiders.

George Lucas, Attack of the Clones DVD audio-commentary, 2008

GEORGE LUCAS: It’s fear of losing somebody he loves, which is the flipside of greed. Greed, in terms of the Emperor, it is the greed for power, absolute power, over everything. With Anakin, really, it’s the power to save the one he loves, but is basically going against the Fates and what is natural.

George Lucas, Revenge of the Sith DVD audio-commentary, 2008

GEORGE LUCAS: It’s pivotal that Luke doesn’t have patience. He doesn’t want to finish his training. He’s being succumbed by his emotional feelings for his friends rather than the practical feelings of “I’ve got to get this job done before I can actually save them. I can’t save them, really.” But he sorts of takes the easy route, the arrogant route, the emotional but least practical route, which is to say, “I’m just going to go off and do this without thinking too much.” And the result is that he fails and doesn’t do well for Han Solo or himself. It’s the motif that needs to be in the picture, but it’s one of those things that just in terms of storytelling was very risky because basically he screws up, and everything turns bad. And it’s because of that decision that Luke made on [Dagobah] to say, “I know I’m not ready, but I’m going to go anyway.

George Lucas, Empire Strikes Back DVD audio-commentary, 2008

GEORGE LUCAS: The core of the Force–I mean, you got the dark side, the light side, one is selfless, one is selfish, and you wanna keep them in balance. What happens when you go to the dark side is it goes out of balance and you get really selfish and you forget about everybody … because when you get selfish you get stuff, or you want stuff, and when you want stuff and you get stuff then you are afraid somebody is going to take it away from you, whether it’s a person or a thing or a particular pleasure or experience.

Once you become afraid that somebody’s going to take it away from you or you’re gonna lose it, then you start to become angry, especially if you’re losing it, and that anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. Mostly on the part of the person who’s selfish, because you spend all your time being afraid of losing everything you’ve got instead of actually living. Where joy, by giving to other people you can’t think about yourself, and therefore there’s no pain. But the pleasure factor of greed and of selfishness is a short-lived experience, therefore you’re constantly trying to replenish it, but of course the more you replenish it, the harder it is to, so you have to keep upping the ante. You’re actually afraid of the pain of not having the joy. So that is ultimately the core of the whole dark side/light side of the Force. And everything flows from that. Obviously the Sith are always unhappy because they never get enough of anything they want. Mostly, their selfishness centers around power and control. And the struggle is always to be able to let go of all that stuff. And of course that’s the problem with Anakin ultimately. You’re allowed to love people, but you’re not allowed to possess them. And what he did is he fell in love and married her and then became jealous. Then he saw in his visions that she was going to die, and he couldn’t stand losing her. So in order to not lose her, he made a pact with the devil to be able to become all-powerful. When he did that, she didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore, so he lost her. Once you are powerful, being able to bring her back from the dead, if I can do that, I can become emperor of the universe. I can get rid of the Emperor. I can make everything the way I want it. Once you do that, you’ll never be satiated. You’re always going to be consumed by this driving desire to have more stuff and be afraid that others are going to take it away from you. And they are. Every time you get two Sith together, you have the master, the apprentice, and the apprentice is always trying to recruit another apprentice to join with him to kill the master. The master knows that basically everybody below him wants his job. Only way to overcome the dark side is through discipline. The dark side is pleasure, biological and temporary and easy to achieve. The light side is joy, everlasting and difficult to achieve. A great challenge. Must overcome laziness, give up quick pleasures, and overcome fear which leads to hate.

George Lucas, explaining the Force to the Clone Wars writing team, 2010 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nFMBBrliyQ&t=41s&ab_channel=StarWarsCoffee)

GEORGE LUCAS: When you start to care about yourself and the things that you own and the things that you have and you’re greedy and you want things all the time and you don’t want to give them up because you’re afraid to give them up, you turn to the dark side. And that’s what happened to Anakin.

George Lucas Q&A: Field Museum, Chicago 5/8/2010 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRaVjM_goKM)

GEORGE LUCAS: The thing about Anakin is, Anakin started out as a nice kid. He was kind, and sweet, and lovely, and he was then trained as a Jedi. But the Jedi can’t be selfish. They can love but they can’t love people to the point of possession. You can’t really possess somebody, because people are free. It’s possession that causes a lot of trouble, and that causes people to kill people, and causes people to be bad. Ultimately it has to do with being unwilling to give things up.

The whole basis here is if you’re selfish, if you’re a Sith Lord, you’re greedy. You’re constantly trying to get something. And you’re constantly in fear of not getting it, or, when you get it, you’re in constant fear of losing it. And it’s that fear that takes you to the dark side. It’s that fear of losing what you have or want.

Sometimes it’s ambition, but sometimes, like in the case of Anakin, it was fear of losing his wife. He knew she was going to die. He didn’t quite know how, so he was able to make a pact with a devil that if he could learn how to keep people from dying, he would help the Emperor. And he became a Sith Lord. Once he started saying, “Well, we could take over the galaxy, I could take over from the Emperor, I could have ultimate power,” Padmé saw right through him immediately. She said, “You’re not the person I married. You’re a greedy person.” So that’s ultimately how he fell and he went to the dark side.

And then Luke had the chance to do the same thing. He didn’t do it.

George Lucas, 2019 (https://www.starwars.com/news/star-wars-episode-i-the-phantom-menace-oral-history)

GEORGE LUCAS: They (the Jedi) trained more than anything else to understand the transitional nature of life, that things are constantly changing and you can't hold on to anything. You can love things but you can't be attached to them, You must be willing to let the flow of life and the flow of the Force move through your life, move through you. So that you can be compassionate and loving and caring, but not be possessive and grabbing and holding on to things and trying to keep things the way they are. Letting go is the central theme of the film."

George Lucas, "Star Wars Archives 1999-2005" p. 72-73 (2020)

GEORGE LUCAS: Luke is faced with the same issues and practically the same scenes that Anakin is faced with. Anakin says yes, and Luke says no. (…) We have the scene when Anakin decides to save Palpatine and join him, so they could learn how to save Padmé. The equivalent scene in VI is when the Emperor’s trying to get Luke to kill his dad so he can save his sister.”

George Lucas, "Star Wars Archives 1999-2005" p. 421 and p. 212. (2020)

GEORGE LUCAS: The secret ultimately like in Star Wars is that you have to not be afraid. Fear is the enemy; fear is the Dark Side. If you afraid, you are going to the Dark Side. The Light Side is compassion. As long as you love other people and treat them kindly, you won't be afraid. So, the secret is to just love everybody - I know that sounds very 60s but that's what I grew up in - but it its fear that cause the problem. So you have to stop being afraid and be kind to everybody.

(...)

The main theme of Star Wars is that compassion is the good side, fear is the bad side.

(...)

I kind of lost control of Star Wars so it’s going off a different path than what I intended but the first six are very much mine and my philosophy. And I think that philosophy sort of goes beyond any particular time because it’s based on history it based on philosophy. (...)

The thing with Anakin is that he started out a great kid he was very compassionate , so the issue was how did he turn bad. How did he go to the Dark Side? He went to the Dark Side, Jedi aren’t supposed to have attachments. They can love people, they can do that, but they can’t attach, that’s the problem in the world of fear. Once you are attached to something then you become afraid of losing it. And when you become afraid of losing it, then you turn to the Dark Side, and you want to hold onto it, and that was Anakin’s issue ultimately, that he wanted to hold onto his wife who he knew, he had a premonition that she was going to die, he didn’t know how to stop it, so he went to the Dark Side to find, in mythology you do to hades, and you talk to the devil, and the devil says ‘this is what you do’ and basically you sell your soul to the devil. When you do that, and you’re afraid and you’re on the Dark Side and you fall off the golden path of compassion because you are greedy, you want to hold on to something that you love and he didn’t do the right thing and as a result he turned bad.

Mellody Hobson, George Lucas - Virtual Speaker Interview (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRqVdcE5oyI)

GEORGE LUCAS WAS ALWAYS CLEAR ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND ATTACHMENT, AND HOW "PREQUEL-ERA" JEDI PHILOSOPHY WORKS.

[sukirichi]

earned it [06]

Gojo Satoru is a firm believer that if you work hard for it then you shall earn it. But on the other side, he’s not unfamiliar with his own sins. He also believes that there is punishment due for his sins as he’s earned it.

cw. attempted murder and suicide, angst ig i feel nothing at this point because NAOYA 😭

notes. i’m rolling with the earned it jokes that reader is shippable with everyone so HAH enjoy this chapter because I didn’t enjoy the last LMAO (IM SO EXCITED FOR TOJI TO APPEAR!)

series masterlist

Your muscles throbbed, the pounding of your heart felt even through your skin. You’ve spent hours in the training room, taking punch by punch, landing blow by blow – yet no matter how hard you tried, you kept falling on your ass. At this point, your backside was beyond sore, skin drenched with sweat and clothes sticking uncomfortably to the surface. Meanwhile, your ‘savior’ barely felt the need to catch his breath, instead gazing down at you with disappointment written all over his face.

“Why do you expect so much from me?” you panted, fists clenched on the mat. “Didn’t you tell me you just needed me to get your money back and that’s it? I didn’t ask for you to do anything so stop telling me I’m indebted to you all the time.”

Naoya clicked his tongue, clearly disappointed by your lack of resolve. Above you, he swept up his cane and finally balanced himself. You previously thought he didn’t struggle because he looked so calm and composed, easily overpowering you even with his injury, but his lips were strained, jaw clenched tight that perhaps he was just good at concealing his pain. It made you shut up and watch his every move; his back faced you – probably to hide whatever fleeting moment of vulnerability he had.

“I won’t always be there to save your sorry life,” he said calmly, “You need to learn how to be strong on your own no matter how tough it gets. Now if you’ll keep complaining instead of finishing your training, I could happily lock you up and force you to do my dirty work for me.”

“Then why don’t you go ahead?!”

“I don’t want to,” Naoya responded without missing a beat. He easily closed the distance with a few staggered steps, his head tilted to the side as he surveyed you.

You wondered what went through his mind. Did he see a weak woman? A woman who must be so helpless, so useless that you stayed there, legs too tired and muscles aching too much you couldn’t move? There was no telling with Naoya, and his guarded gaze didn’t help either. Satoru had always been difficult to read at most, but with Naoya – it was practically impossible.

Even as he cupped your chin and twisted it sideways, his eyes narrowed over all your features like he saw something you didn’t, he was too guarded.

“I need you in taking down Gojo Satoru. In order to accomplish that, I have to use his weakness against him. You showing up won’t be enough. No, I want to hurt him…and what better way than to take what was once his, right? Dangle right in front of his eyes what he let go of, make him regret his actions?” his smile turned dark, and for the first time since you’ve met him, you got a glance of what his heart really looked like.

It wasn’t true that Naoya was heartless – no, he just had a dark, sinister heart that didn’t beat the same tune as others. He played his own music with the bones of his enemies, drinking their lifeline from a gold cup and drowning in them, his ominous laughter the perfect antithetical melody of what could’ve been angelic hums.

“Don’t you want that?”

His question made your heart skipped a beat. This whole time, you’ve been so hell bent on achieving something, but what you wanted to reach had never been clear. You were too driven by emotions, by the pain Satoru’s absence had caused, and now that the opportunity was presented before you, you faltered.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Well, if you ask me what I want…” he tilts your chin up with his finger “It would be to see you strong enough that even you would be capable of taking me down. So be strong, keep fighting – I’ll be there with you every step of the way. You only have one job, and that is to live. I am not allowing you to give up at the slightest of minor inconveniences.”

“And if I get weak?” you questioned with an oscillating tremor, the bite of his cold skin against your heated ones spiking. “If I want to give up? Would I fail you then?”

“I don’t think you’re someone who cares about failing others, so don’t fret whether you’d please me or not,” Just like that, Naoya’s scornful tone had risen again. He let go of you until you dropped down to your palms, blinking back at the sudden change of atmosphere. “Like I said, just do what you need to do, keep going. Don’t look back or be afraid to take the next big step because I’ll always be there right beside you.”

“Why should I trust you?”

“I’m not asking you to, princess,” he snickered, already half way to the door that only he was allowed to go in. Even though you’ve been staying in his manor for quite some time, there were still some things Naoya didn’t trust you with, leaving you only more curious to find out the secrets within.

“Only time will tell. But once you’ve made your decision, know that my ring is always waiting beside your table,” his voice echoed through the large room, stopping in his tracks to look at you once more. This time, he had no haunting features, only the cold emptiness likened to staring back to an infinite void of nothingness.

“I expect an answer when I get home.”

You still remembered the day you decided to wear his ring. Naoya had come then, tired and aggravated from matters he didn’t bother explaining. You stood on his doorway, lips shut tight as you nervously fiddled with your ring, unsure if whether you should tell him or allow him to piece the puzzle himself.

Thankfully, Naoya was a lot more observant than you gave him credit for.

His eyes slid over your face before he followed the motion of your fingers, smirking as the jewel glinted under the bright lights of his home. Wise choice, he’d once told you, and you believed it.

Your life hadn’t been the same ever since. Your spontaneous marriage equated to hellish training of perfecting your image as his trophy wife, spending hours in his secret laboratory and discussing business plans through a glass of wine. Naoya wasn’t around much to teach you everything and it pained him to be your own trainer too so you had to ask help from his guards, refusing to give up and fall down even as your muscles screamed at you to take a break. For Naoya, with Naoya, giving up and running away felt like a myth; a buried solution in the past that should never be brought up again. But now that he was gone, you did exactly that.

You’d given up. Satoru had made you run away.

“Miss,” a deep voice cut you from your thoughts. You tore your gaze away from the  glowing night city of Milan to turn to Satoru’s right hand man, the tall figure looming rather shyly instead of imposingly. “You haven’t eaten since we got here. Would you like anything? Mr. Gojo will cover your expenses.”

“I want to go home.”

He froze at your deadpan statement. Finally meeting your gaze under his lashes, Geto pursed his lips. “You know we can’t do that, Miss. It’s unsafe back in Japan.”

“And who’s to say Toji won’t follow us here?” you snapped, pushing your weight off the Cleopatra set and uncrossing your legs. “Why can’t your stupid boss just activate the account and give it back to us? I think we’ve made it clear we’re more than capable of handling our finances, and I’m pretty sure Satoru doesn’t need any more money when he can afford all this.”

“Mr. Gojo…has his reasons for everything he does.”

You laughed bitterly. Maybe it was the fact that Satoru had left this morning for whatever business he had that you didn’t have anyone else to let your anger out to that you’d swiped your gun under your thigh holster and dashed his way.

Geto’s back slammed against the wall, the cool barrel of your gun pressed to his jaw. He swallowed nervously, eyes darting to your weapon, and you laughed heartlessly. “Oh, please, do tell because nothing makes sense,” you crooned, flipping the safety off and letting your heated gaze meet his rather docile ones. You almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“I could easily put a bullet through your head and hijack his plane. I’ll be gone before you know it and who’s to stop me from doing that? Why should I stay here any longer with you?”

“Because your husband asked you to,” Geto responded softly. You stepped back with wide eyes, yesterday’s event crashing all over you once again. He must’ve sensed you no longer held any hostility because he used his pointer finger to move the barrel away from him, gently peeling your hands off his suit. “Because you know, if you go back to Japan, there will be nothing waiting for you there.”

You balled your fists. “I will kill Fushiguro Toji myself. Then I’ll kill Satoru.”

“Even if he used to be your lover?”

“Especially because he used to be my lover.”

Okay…maybe your plan of escaping and returning to Japan hadn’t worked out that well. Exhaustion finally crept up to your senses that you passed out not long after attacking Geto – who reassured you to no end he wasn’t mad you tried to kill him – and days have passed ever since. You hated to admit it, but being stuck in an overseas hotel wasn’t so bad. Geto’s presence was a lot more comforting than his master’s that you didn’t mind having him watch your every move. Plus, he was really nice to immediately follow your every whim. You wanted hot chocolate? Extra pillows? A really expensive wine that you refused to pay for because you were petty and dramatic? He provided it all without question.

Except he probably should have, because you’d stripped off to your underwear, head tipped back to take one final swig of the nearly empty bottle as you slid deeper into the tub.

Your fiery nature of rolling your eyes at Satoru every time he came around (which was rare, for some reason) couldn’t fool anyone – not even yourself. The moment Geto retired to the living room, you would bite the pillows to muffle your cries, thinking back to when Naoya was still alive. It was an endless torment of what if you had stayed, what if you had pushed the rubble off him, what if you just saved him?

Would he still be alive? Would he have survived? Would you be back with him in the Zen’in Estate instead of holding your breath under the tub in a desperate attempt to conceal your tears?

It hurt so bad. It hurt everywhere.

Your lungs begged you to rise up and breathe, but you stayed still under the water, eyes shut tight and hands clenched around the tub’s edges so hard your knuckles turned white. Soon, you grew dizzy and your grip slipped away. Finally, fucking finally, you were falling, falling way too deep that your legs bent inside the tub. Bubbles erupted from your lips in one last breath. At the back of your mind, you let out a sincere laugh for you’d meet your husband soon. He’d be disappointed, probably scold you all the way to the afterlife – until strong arms pulled you out of the tub and into someone’s chest instead.

“Shit, what are you doing?! You could’ve drowned!”

You coughed out water and fisted Satoru’s button-up shirt that had now clung to his skin from the water. Looking around you, you were still very much alive, the uncomfortable twisting of your heart a painful reminder of that. Above you, Satoru sat you in his lap while he remained cross-legged on the floor, muttering curses under his breath as he wrapped a towel around you.

Scoffing, you pushed his hands away, though you kept the towel anyway to lessen your shivering. Why the fuck was the AC so damn strong here?

“Dying seems like a better option, don’t you think?” you snarled at him, teeth chattering from the chill that had begin to seep in.

Momentarily, you worried on how much of a hot mess you probably looked like. Smudged eyeliner, wine-stained lips, unbrushed hair and remnants of the wine mixing with the once clear bath water – you shook your head at the thought and glared at Satoru.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

“I was out contacting friends to ask for help. We’re going to need a hundred pairs of eyes watching anywhere that Toji could possibly come through.”

“Is this your pathetic idea of ‘keeping me safe’? Locking me up in this stupid hotel and having your man watch me all the time?” you pushed yourself off him, the sudden motion of standing up giving you wobbly legs. Satoru reached over to steady you but you slapped his hand away, your glare warning him to not take another step.

Seeing his face, seeing him worried as if he didn’t just cause your life to turn into absolute hell, you wanted to grab the wine bottle and smash it right at his pretty face. He had no right to look at you with pity.

You hated him, utterly and terribly despised this man with your entire being.

“What are you really planning, Satoru? Why can’t we just come back home and attack Toji with all we’ve got? Why don’t you just give back our fucking money so we can end all this for once and for all and I can leave?!”

“Because I don’t have the money!”

“What?”

“The money…” Satoru’s back slid off the wall, his palm coming up to thread through his hair. He sounded weak, defeated. “I don’t have it.”

“Gojo,” you snatched him by the collar, teeth bared as you demanded, “What do you mean you don’t have it?”

Satoru paled. “When I stole the money from the Zen’ins, the figures were all fake. They’re not real, there’s no actual money hidden behind their accounts and it was too late before I realized that,” his lips trembled as he continued, “Whatever Toji placed in there, it’s not his actual account where he hides everything and it would make sense too because I stole it too easily – almost as if they wanted me to take it. A few hacks here and there and it was immediately wired to me but after meeting you…” Satoru shook his head, chin dropped down low. “I checked again and the account never existed. It’s a fake one. The digits are just there for show.”

“So then why would Toji want it? Why did my husband have to die for nothing?!”

“I don’t know, okay, I don’t know anything!” he argued back until your faces grew closer, his nose brushing with yours.

Somehow, you couldn’t pull away. His knees had drawn up, forcing you to rest on his thighs as you both breathed heavily, your grip on his collar almost havered.

“Whatever the Zen’ins are hiding, that’s beyond me. I may be in the business for far longer than they have, but they have always been notorious with their possessions that I’m not surprised even I can’t find where it really leads back to. Whatever Toji is hiding there, your husband must’ve known something about it. Why else would they fight tooth and bone over it?”

“If there was, Naoya would’ve told me about it.”

“He would if he trusted you,” Satoru suddenly grabbed your wrist and shook it until you stared at your ring. “How are you even so sure he could trust you with that information? Have you forgotten you’re just a pawn to his game and you’re nothing but a bed warmer?”

“Don’t you ever speak about us that way. You don’t know how much he cared for me.”

“If he really did, then why didn’t he tell you why his cousin is after you? He’s using you as bait, Y/N. I’m not the bad guy here. That man you’re so deeply in love with? I can’t guarantee he’s better than me. We’re all men in the mafia, love is the last thing we would care about.”

You pushed yourself off him.

His words stung too much, not because it was a lie, but because you know there was some sort of truth ringing behind it. You trudged out of the bathroom and sat on the bed, unstirred by the fact you dripped all over the carpeted floor. From behind you, Satoru’s rushed footsteps echoed, but you didn’t care. You simply threw on a robe with your back turned to him.

“And you’d know that better than everyone right? Considering how easy it was for you to leave me?” When Satoru didn’t respond, you chuckled humorlessly and sat on the bed. “What Naoya and I had…it was a friendship that healed my soul. I don’t…I don’t know what to do without him.”

“Friendship?”

You smiled sadly. “I wasn’t actually in love with him, idiot. Men like Naoya don’t know what love is, but he sure does know how to protect family.”

The notion of talking about him, of accepting that maybe he really was gone…somewhat reliving.

Satoru was the last person you wanted to talk to your late husband about, but Geto – which is the much better company – wasn’t around, and you hugged your knees to yourself, refusing to let Satoru see through your vulnerability.

“You know, I trusted him more than I did myself. He was always there for me, no matter what. His soul was dark, angry, corrupted – he’s not the man I would fall for, but despite all that, he was the friend I needed,” you buried your face in your knees, voice muffled as you cried, your heart shattering again and again and again.

The ring on your finger had never felt so heavy ever since you wore it.

“I loved him as much as I hated you.”

Satoru was silent, so much so that you wondered if he was even in the same room at all. You sat there crying, too hopeless to even try to conceal it anymore. Shivering, you close your eyes and forced the image of Naoya’s last moments away from your memories, desperately praying to whoever had mercy that you could just forget all about it.

“Geto told me you tried to kill him,” Satoru murmured after a beat, “You could’ve easily escaped and went back to Japan if you wanted to, so why didn’t you? Was it because of me?”

You remembered what you tried to do today.

Just like that, Naoya was alive once more. You were brought back to the day of your wedding when he’d clasped your sweaty, clammy hands in his, rubbing some warmth in them before pressing a kiss at the top of your knuckles. He’d asked you to promise him something then – an entire contrast from his constants orders over your well-being – and it was a promise you’d momentarily forgotten; a promise you’d broken out of mourning.

“Naoya once told me,” you reminisced through dry, cracked lips and even more shattered heart, the picture of his disappointment as clear as day. “Death was the only place he can go where he would never allow me to follow.”

It took a lot, but it somehow got better. After allowing yourself a faint moment of weakness where Naoya resurfaced in your mind to remind you of our promise and your purpose, you felt stronger, somewhat steadier with each step you took. You were still wary around Satoru, although that was a given.

His friend, Geto, was really nice, on the other hand, and you couldn’t explain why you always lowered your guard around the formal dark-haired assistant.

You and Geto were playing chess when Satoru barged in out of nowhere, a plate and a syrup condenser on his hand. “So I got you breakfast,” was his greeting, nodding at Geto once as a silent order to give you two privacy. You pouted as the latter left, but soon your attention had been diverted to the heavenly aroma filling in your senses. Seeing your approval, Satoru hid a smile behind his dark sunglasses. “Still like pancakes?”

“Trying to get into my good graces now?”

“I’m just trying to cheer you up.”

You rolled your eyes but snatched the plate from him anyway. “So I talked to my lawyer,” you begun, pouring syrup all over the fluffy bread until it was almost spilling to the sides. Beside you, Satoru’s snickers were barely muffled, to which you ignored wholeheartedly. “They’ve already processed my inheritance over Naoya’s possessions and assets. Once we return to Japan, I’ll be the next leader of the Zen’in Clan, much to the disappointment of his elders, of course, but they can’t do anything about it,” you informed him with your fork hanging in mid-air, the words falling thickly. “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“That we’re back to being enemies?”

You offered him a sarcastic smile. “Naoya lied about strengthening his alliance with your family. He doesn’t actually give a fuck about you.”

“I figured that much,” he snickered to himself, shifting his weight until his elbows rested on his thighs. “Listen…a friend of mine is flying to Milan tonight to meet us. They have strong connections with banks all over the world and they brought in some information about that hidden Zen’in account. I think we’re finally getting off to somewhere and finding out what really is in there,” Satoru gauged for your reaction, but you kept eating – more like stuffing the pancakes inside your mouth for you were finally free of having to act perfect without your husband.

Satoru’s hand landed on top of yours. “I promise…I’ll give it back to right where it belongs. As soon as it’s wired back to you, I’m setting you free.”

You stared at the unwanted figure over you, and you snatched your hand back, waving a bread knife below his lashes. “You can’t set me free when I was never yours,” you sang breathily, the tip of the blade hovered right at his lips. Satoru raised a brow at you, but you quickly retrieved the knife back with widened eyes. “Now that you mention it…I think Naoya told me something about his family stashing secret weapons and even heirlooms through offshore accounts and buried under islands. He was a little sleepy during that time but I remember it,” pushing the plate away from you as you lost your appetite, you clutched your palms under your chin in thought. “He said he was looking for something he lost as a child, possibly an heirloom.”

“He’s doing all this for heirlooms?” Satoru immediately coughed his words back when you glared at him, raising his hands in surrender. “I mean, I was just saying. I didn’t think he was a sentimental type of guy.”

“The question here is what both Toji and Naoya could’ve both wanted from that account. It’s not just an heirloom, obviously there’s something there worth more than money,” You argued and slapped your knees, heading straight to your (unfortunately) shared room. “Whatever. I’ll get this over with as soon as I get the money back.”

Satoru, as always, was hot on your heels. It annoyed you how he trailed over you like some sort of puppy or shadow – Naoya had always been too classy to not give you space.

The difference between them just kept getting more and more uncannily obvious.

“Whoa there, stop. Did you really think I’d give back the money to you and that’s it? Are you forgetting the fact Toji is out there to kill you just so he can have his hands on it?”

“He can have the money for all I fucking care,” you shrugged and sat on your bed, scrolling through numerous piles of emails and records that Naoya entrusted you to keep. Surely you could find something. “I just need to find whatever Naoya’s spent his whole life killing for.”

“Why don’t you care about the money? Didn’t Naoya expect you to take over his business?”

Your thumb froze over a file. Suddenly, your throat grew dry, and you quickly flashed Satoru a stinky eye. “I-it’s not my main concern.”

“It’s not safe for you. If Toji finds out—”

Got it. You bookmarked an email Naoya had forwarded you around three years ago and resent it to an old friend, pocketing the phone back to your pyjamas before Satoru could see. “I’ll handle it. I’ve been doing well so far before you came into our lives again,” you finalized, stopping for a bit as you waited for that all-too familiar footfall matching with yours, only for the room to be coated in silence.

Satoru stood there on the other side of the room, eyes deep in thought before he sighed. “I’ll meet you at the hotel restaurant tonight. We have a lot to discuss on what our next move should be,” nodding once, Satoru left the room.

The hotel room was eerily silent.

Dinner came around faster than you expected. With Geto out to run some errands for Satoru, something about ‘establishing bases’ or whatever, you were locked in your room, using Naoya’s black card to get enough amount of clothing to last you for your stay here. Even though Satoru had promised he’d take care of everything, you didn’t want to be in his debt for any longer. You weren’t his, you were Naoya’s, and you shot down his curious looks when heaps of shopping bags had been delivered to your door.

An hour later, you left the room, struggling to zipper the back of your dress. Satoru was already in the living room buttoning up his suit jacket, just as handsome as ever (though you’d never tell him that.)

His hands froze in the last button once his eyes landed on you, and you huffed at him, too distressed to even act cute or bothered while pointing to your dress. Satoru strode to you in three long steps, his cold fingers brushing against the dip of your spine when he clutched on the zipper.

You had to bite your lip down to prevent the shivers from spilling through, his lips dangerously close to your ear as he whispered, “You look great.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

If Satoru was bothered by the lack of sincerity in your voice, he didn’t comment on it. He removed his hands from you and watched as you slipped black velvet gloves through your arms – just in case you had to end up killing someone; leaving fingerprints was a risk you couldn’t take.

“Did you really get dressed to kill?”

“I came here to negotiate,” you corrected, “I’ll do everything I can to find out whatever’s behind that offshore account. And you, sir,” Frowning at him, you pulled Satoru closer by the tie, perhaps a little too harshly since he nearly knocked his head with yours. He was quick to steady himself as you fixed his tie, flattening it down with your fingers. “You need to know where you should stick your nose in. This is more my business than yours so don’t get in my way acting all hero and shit. I assure you I can handle myself.”

“You’re really going to berate me for worrying about you?”

“You can no longer worry about me,” you disclosed, snatching your black purse from the counter before doing the come hither motion at his shock-still figure. “Now let’s go. We have a case to crack.”

“Case to crack? You sure sound like a detective.”

You snickered, but made no further comment. The elevators dinged and you arrived at the restaurant, which you really regretted not visiting soon enough because the place was grand. Red carpeted floors, golden chandeliers, soft jazz music playing in the background as the lights dimmed down low, the faint clinking of utensils against plates and light chatter of the guests so heartbreakingly nostalgic.

It seemed that even after his death, Naoya had every intention to never leave your side. The setting reminded you too much of your never-ending late night fancy dinners.

Naoya being Naoya, he didn’t blink twice in flaunting his money and renting out entire restaurants all for himself, claiming that he just ‘wanted to have an intimate moment with his wife.’ Sure, it mostly consisted of you discussing what move you should make next, but it was the most affectionate gesture you’ve received after spending years in the quiet and cold environment of the Zen’in Estate.

The outside world wasn’t any better when you and Naoya were marked as targets by the entire government, so it made sense, that only with him that you’d find comfort in.

You must be so out of it you never even noticed Satoru leading you to your seat, a warm meal that should’ve been comforting right under your nose. It was too much – too similar that you headed straight for the wine, ignoring Satoru’s questioning gaze. You noticed from the corner of his eye that he opened his mouth too many times in an attempt to make light conversation, but this dinner wasn’t for you to rekindle your old flame.

No, you were here to wait for his ‘friend’ and review important matters. You were determined to fulfill that purpose alone and only that alone that you never once made eye contact with him, even standing up to reach the salt shaker near him instead of asking him to pass it.

Just as you leaned back to your seat, the music grew louder. A foreign man walked to the stage where he was basked in the spotlight, all heads turning to him when he tapped the microphone, sending little echoes all over the hall. “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s loosen up tonight with a drink and bring our lovers out here on the dance floor,” he sang while swaying side to side, snapping his fingers to the beat that had turned into calming to sensual. “It is a fine evening, isn’t it? Come on, don’t be shy, the night is still so young!”

You dropped your fork beside the plate. “Did you know about this?”

“I swear, I had no idea.”

“Those two attractive lovers in table 42, the dance floor is still much too spacious!”

“Pretty vulgar for a five star hotel,” you commented under your breath and dabbed the pasta sauce off your lips with a napkin, slapping it down the table as you stood up – much to Satoru’s surprise who’d tried to make himself invisible from the host’s eyes. Stupid him; did he really think he could blend in with his sunglasses and snow white hair?

If you were to be honest, you’d rather choke on shrimp than dance with him, but you had an image to upkeep. If you couldn’t gather with the crowd and pretend to be one with others, both your true natures would be fished out even with innocent eyes. You were left with no choice but to be comfortable in the dance floor, sighing deeply as you placed your hands down on Satoru’s wide shoulders. He furrowed his brows at you but said nothing else; strong, cautious hands sliding down from your back before they settled at the curve of your hips.

“Keep your hands to yourself, Mister. I won’t hesitate to stab a fork through your jugular right here.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I know you’re not my little angel anymore.”

Angel. It was what he used to call you back then – when you were still but an innocent, naïve being who never believed in monsters until you fell for one.

He was right; you were no longer his angel. The woman he loved had been left abandoned in the street, the purity of her soul tainted with anger and heartbreak that soon bathed in blood and the need for revenge. His angel was no more – the woman he danced with was nothing but a replica of the face and body he adored the most. Now, you danced with him, not as his angel and neither as his rival’s wife, but simply as a woman whose kindness had long vanished into thin air.

Satoru danced with the devil.

And he should be disgusted just as you should be repulsed with how sickeningly smooth and graceful he was in everything he did, but the wine – yes, it was the fucking wine – messed with you that you actually enjoyed it. Your bodies moved in rhythm and syncopated with the beat, the romantic high notes of the violin and the tender embrace of deep trebles like a classical painting coming to life and you were its subjects to be expressed.

Perhaps…you were just sad. You grieved and mourned too much you’d momentarily forgot what love was, in turn making you forget what it felt like to be constantly unsafe and peeking over your shoulder in case someone tried to kill you.

Satoru just felt so warm, so safe and alive that you found your head dipping lower, your muscles relaxing around his soothing and undeniably tender touch, the space between your bodies diminishing until you surrendered to the power of your desire. You were so close, your ear about to press on his chest to listen to the blissful sound of someone’s reassuring heartbeat along with the music, and then you saw him.

A tuft of blonde hair, a chiseled face, a nude cream suit and a deep blue shirt beneath – what the fuck was he doing here?

The spell was broken in an instant.

Satoru must’ve been under the same trance for his hand trailed lower to pull you closer, your chests grazing with one another before you placed your palm flat on his body, lips thinned into a grim look that resonated with the sick, twisting feeling in your guts.

“I,” you croaked out, clearing your throat when it went dry. “I need to go to the ladies.”

You left Satoru without another word, bunching your dress up to run to where he had disappeared. He was still walking coolly and inspecting the paintings hung in the empty lobby with faux interest – although knowing him, the bastard probably did enjoy classical pieces and studied about them in his free time; which he didn’t have much to begin with.

As if sensing your presence, he stopped right in front of a replica of The Sleeping Venus, his hands dug deep in his pockets. “The shape of being is the visual demonstration of a state of being in which idealized existence is suspended in immutable slow-breathing harmony. All the sensuality has been distilled off from this sensuous presence, and all incitement; Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself,” he narrates in his baritone voice, “A little cordial, is it not?”

You took your gun out from your thigh holster and lowered it right at the back of his skull. “Don’t move another inch.”

“No need to be so hostile in a public setting, Y/N. I’m only here to look out for you and making sure you’re not forgetting who you are. Killing me isn’t part of the plan.”

“Neither was murdering my husband,” you growled, pushing the barrel harder against him, though the man didn’t budge before you. “I know that it wasn’t Toji who set off the bomb, Kento, you did.”

“We simply saw an opportunity that couldn’t be wasted. Two notorious mafia leaders in an unsuspecting supposed safe environment?” The fact he didn’t even deny it left you speechless. Kento spun around until your gun rested between his eyes, and he languidly pushed his glasses up his high nose as he looked down on you. “We could’ve killed two birds with one stone had you not been in the way.”

“You guys are out to kill me too now?”

“Don’t act too surprised. The Organization isn’t patient enough to wait for both leaders to die.”

“So you killed my husband?!” you argued, “He was my friend, I told you not to touch him!”

“Only in the exchange that you hand him to us,” Kento echoed, jogging your memory until you were kept up to date. “But it’s been five years and what has happened so far? You’re fraternizing with the enemy and even manufacturing drugs for your so-called husband. Now that he’s dead, you’re here in Italy, looking as stunning as ever as you wine and dine with a former lover,” Kento tilted his head to the side to study your appearance – smiling at how you seemed too bright and fashionable for a woman in supposed mourning.

“I hardly believe you’re actually affected by this at all.”

“How dare you! I’ve proven to no end my loyalty of the higher-ups!”

Kento didn’t bat an eye at your outburst. If anything, he stepped closer to your weapon. “Kill me if you wish, Y/N, but know the moment you put a bullet in my head, the Organization will place you on the same pedestal as Naoya’s and Gojo’s. I wouldn’t recommend such methods considering we’re already at unease on whose side you’re really on. If you do this, you will be our enemy.”

“I did everything for the Organization. What else would you want from me?”

“The contract was easy. We want both leaders – whether dead or alive – in our custody. If you don’t hold your side of the deal, it’s not only your life that we’ll take from you,” Kento pulled out a red coin that made your heart sink deep into your stomach for it served as a threat over the consequences of your actions.

He lowered your gun with the coin and smirked at you, his lips right beside the shell of your ear as he purred, “I suggest you be careful with what step of action you take next.”

“Oi, Nanami, you’re here!” Satoru’s voice suddenly boomed in the hallway. Nanami was as unbothered as ever from taking a step away from you, nodding to your gun which you quickly concealed right before Satoru arrived. You were frozen – rendered immobile with the flashing red metal from his palm – that you couldn’t even protest against Satoru wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I see you’ve met Mrs. Zen’in already.”

“Hmm, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Madam,” taking your hand in his, Kento’s eyes were nothing but eerie as he kissed your knuckles. “Shall we start our discussion?”

SUKI RANTS! Nanami quoted Sydney Joseph Friedberg (an art critic) in one of his dialogues. A little backstory on the painting was that the portrait was originally made by Giorgone, who had a student and also his lover (if I’m not mistaken) called Titian. Giorgone never finished the portrait because he died from the plague but Titiane finished it for him, symbolizing that Y/N still has a mission that connected her from Naoya even after his death and she has to finish something he started. The portrait is of a nude woman that symbolized oneness of nature and that the woman isn’t posed for the gaze of men, but rather they are dreaming, hence the quote: “Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself.” Nanami said the painting’s meaning resonated with Y/N’s situation too much since she wasn’t in love with Naoya, but she had a recollection of their moments that still represented their relationship, and that Naoya’s dream (goals) are also shared by Reader. I was gonna ask you guys what your theories are on that scene but I think this makes me sound cooler if I explain it so *lip bite emoji because I’m still broken over Naoya’s death*

taglist open (lmk if you want to be added/removed):

@sixeyesgojo @shingekiyofeels @q-the-rockaholic @whatthefuckisthatthing @rogueofbullshit @kat-su-ki @kellyyween @sebootyforlife @asshxcm @charlie-xo @aoi-turtle @ladywaifuuwrites @savantsoulfinder @my-reality-is-in-my-head @hannya-quinn @90s-belladonna @tinyfrogsinmybrain @kinekyuroo @evesmores @ambiguous-something @lilith412426 @kakashiharusohma @aizawap @yumeneji @dora-the-grownup @jotazinha @themrsgojo @d34r-s4t4n @marai-t @toji-bee @hai-cool @badsadbby @stesphy @peach-buns-unicorns @misslezah @gracefullyfallinglikeanime @iwaplant​ @mikiminaccch​ @riri-marley​ | bolded users cannot be tagged

[robininthelabyrinth]

Wen Ruohan/Wei Wuxian?🍉

Forked Path - ao3

“You did me a favor, and I intend to repay that,” Wen Ruohan said, adjusting one of his gauntlets in irritation – more at the fact that he was sinking back into that old nervous tic, a tell that he’d thought he’d eliminated years ago than at the actual request, ridiculous as it was. “But to confirm, you’re certain that this is what you want? It’s not in my nature to stop midway, so if you have any hesitations, exercise them now or not at all.”

The two rogue cultivators looked at each other and after a few moments of clear silent communication and struggle, they looked back at him and nodded. The man did so reluctantly - Wen Ruohan looked at his wife, the immortal mountain’s disciple, and her nod was far more firm.

“Very well,” he said, lips twisting in distaste. He hated owing people favors, especially when they rejected his preferred counter-offer to graciously allow them to work for his sect, but he wasn’t yet so ungracious that he wouldn’t live up to something he had to do. “We are therefore agreed: in the event both of you die prematurely, I will take your son into my sect to be raised therein, rather than allow him to be raised alone outside or in the Jiang sect."

He paused, frowning. "To be clear, however, I am not going to raise him myself! He’ll be brought up among one of the branch families.”

Dafan Wen had some kids around the same age, didn’t they? That was pretty out of the way. With luck, he could avoid having to see the brat at all…and that was all assuming that these two died, of course. Still, based on their level of certainty and the association of the immortal mountain with divination, Wen Ruohan was going to assume a worst-case scenario was likely to occur.

“That’s fine,” the man said, his voice oddly sarcastic. “We don’t expect you to do more for us than you do for your own children.”

That pricked at Wen Ruohan’s pride, since he didn’t have a conscience to be affected.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked with a frown. He had two sons of his own, and they were being raised perfectly well by his wives, as far as he knew. It wasn’t really his concern until they were old enough to actually start getting started in cultivation, swordsmanship, or even the scholarly arts, at which point he would naturally take over their education with the assistance of many able tutors – he was far too busy to waste time with them, squalling brats that they undoubtedly were, until then.

“Nothing,” the woman said, and she looked amused – he almost suspected she was amused at his expense. “After all, with hard work, even the sharpest sword can be ground down into a needle.”

That wasn��t how that idiom went at all, but Wen Ruohan was too lazy to correct her.

Later, though, after they’d left, her words kept pricking at him in the same matter as idiomatic needle – it occurred to him that he didn’t much like his wives, even though the connections they’d brought to his sect were exceedingly beneficial. It was said that where there was a father, there was a son, the two invariably resembling each other, and he’d assumed that that would be the case here…but on the other hand, if he left all the initial raising of his sons to those wives he didn’t like, wasn’t he risking them raising the children to be just like theminstead of him? Grinding down his sons’ edges, so to speak?

That would be utterly unacceptable.

He was so busy, though. Beyond his own cultivation, his sect now controlled over a third of the cultivation world, and he was ambitious to raise that to half, and then perhaps even further. How could he waste time on something as pointless as taking care of small children?

On the other hand, he supposed that in the long run he’d actually be saving time if he at least made sure they were raised up right. After all, he’d always assumed that his two sons would be his right and left hands, his able aides capable of enacting his will, and obviously it would be a disaster to find out later on that they’d been spoiled rotten or rendered stupid....

No, he was sure his arrangement was fine. How much damage could his wives do in just a few years?

…perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad an idea to check in on them.

Just to make sure.

He definitely wasn’t going to raise that stupid Wei boy, though. Favors had limits!

-

“Your accomplishments do you credit,” Wen Ruohan said to Wen Qing, and even meant it the way he didn’t mean most of the things he was forced to say at these stupid discussion conferences.

After all, Wen Qing was of his bloodline, if distantly – Dafan Wen was a branch family – but at any rate, they shared a surname, and it was sheer pleasure watching her put all those other ‘promising’ young masters in their place. Anything that added a sheen of glory to his sect was a good thing.

She saluted deeply, trying to hide the way she was beaming, and Wen Ruohan wondered once again if it was time to bring her back to the Nightless City as his ward instead of leaving her out in the wilderness with the rest of Dafan Wen. To get the sort of medical skills she had at her age showed promise and talent, and he needed people of promise and talent, especially ones with his surname, if he were going to make good on his intention to conquer the cultivation world.

He would’ve brought her back years ago, in fact, except that Sect Leader Nie said that children were fidgety, flighty creatures that were bad at dealing with change and that he’d be better off sending medical texts and tutors to Dafan Wen rather than bring Wen Qing back to the Nightless City over her father’s protests. Normally, Wen Ruohan would have disregarded advice he didn’t like and proceed with his own intentions regardless, but Sect Leader Nie had been helping him deal with his own sons ever since he’d reclaimed them from his wives, who he’d discovered had been ruining them, and it seemed unwise to dispute with him regarding matters of child-rearing at that point. After all, if he wanted Wen Xu to end up as even half the son that it looked like that Nie Mingjue was going to be, he needed the man’s expertise, and that meant making compromises, irritating as it was.

Compromises like not just killing Wen Qing’s father for refusing to hand over his children, despite it being easier to accomplish. Or not killing Sect Leader Nie himself, no matter how irritating the man was, because now his sons loved that old bastard.

(Wen Ruohan had spitefully decided to get back at Sect Leader Nie by spoiling his youngest son, who seemed at first glance to be more like the lazy scholarly type, beyond belief. It seemed to be working very well so far, including in causing Sect Leader Nie no end of frustration at his extremely clever-when-it-came-to-evading-work second son; Wen Ruohan, satisfied, viewed this result as being wholly due to his own efforts.)

“How did you find that talisman you mentioned in your last paper?” he asked Wen Qing lazily. “I hadn’t seen it before. Was it in one of the books I sent, or somewhere else?”

In truth, that had been the most interesting aspect of the presentation from his perspective – he didn’t have either talent or interest in medical cultivation, but he could recognize firepower when he saw it. Just because the talisman worked on disrupting things at a very small level for medical reasons didn’t mean it couldn’t be repurposed for larger things…

“Oh, no, Wei Wuxian invented it,” Wen Qing said. “He used it to blow stuff up until I convinced him to make a smaller version for me.”

“Wei Wuxian?” Wen Ruohan asked, frowning, and then recalled – ah, yes, the Wei boy. His parents had died some five or eight years back, if he recalled correctly, and he’d had to go fetch him pursuant to that old agreement; it had been extremely annoying at the time. He’d been in the middle of a very nasty argument with Sect Leader Nie at the time, the one that had led him to think his most serious thoughts to date of eliminating the man entirely, and then, just as he’d been on the cusp of making a decision, he’d received word of the deaths of Cangse Sanren and her husband Wei Changze.

Naturally, he needed to find and recover their son as he’d promised long ago, which given how unreliable reports of the location of rogue cultivators was naturally became a colossal waste of time, but on the bright side it had at least given him a chance to vent his spleen and get out some of his rage on something other than wringing Sect Leader Nie’s neck. It turned out that Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze had died in some obscure night hunt in Yiling, but figuring that out had all but taken a full-scale canvass of six different territories – and then Sect Leader Jiang, who hadn’t bothered to do anything near the same level of search and had opted to search the various towns individually on his own, as if that would ever work, had tried to leapfrog off the back of his hard work, thinking he could just thank him and take the boy away just like that.

Wen Ruohan had refused, of course – he had the parents’ personal request, and that outweighed Wei Changze having been a former servant of the Jiang sect or Cangse Sanren being possibly a former lover of their sect leader – and it had turned into something of a political mess for a while.

That had been where he’d gotten most of the venting out, actually.

Sect Leader Nie had sided with him in that fight, though, rather viciously, and by the end of it all Wen Ruohan was reminded of why exactly it was that the man was a useful ally to have around. He’d also forgotten what exactly they’d been fighting about, but he wasn’t going to admit that, so he just magnanimously forgave him. It had all turned out rather all right, and Wen Ruohan had put the boy out of his mind shortly thereafter.

Why would he come up now, all of a sudden?

No, wait, he’d sent him to Dafan Wen, just as he’d planned. And of course Wen Qing was from the main branch of Dafan Wen as well – she would’ve been raised with Wei Wuxian as a little brother.

“How is he doing?” he asked, more out of etiquette than actual interest, but Wen Qing lit up and started talking about how her little shidi was a verifiable genius, and so good with her actual younger brother, and whatnot. Wen Ruohan nodded, pretending he was listening, and cast his eyes around the rest of the discussion conference, looking for a distraction – there was Sect Leader Nie, who was generally good for a laugh, but he was scolding that second son of his for failing one of Lan Qiren’s classes and having to be sent a second time over. Jiang Fengmian was comforting him, telling him that he was sending his son as well this year, and of course Jin Guangshan’s heir was of age as well, and would undoubtedly be going, too…

Hmm.

“If he’s such a genius, he should interact more with his peers,” Wen Ruohan announced. “I’ll recommend him – and that brother of yours, I suppose – for the lecture series at the Cloud Recesses this summer.”

It wouldn’t do to be left, after all.

“You…you will? Really? That’s wonderful! Thank you for the opportunity, Sect Leader Wen! They’ll treasure it! How can we ever repay your kindness –”

“As long as they impress me with their talents,” Wen Ruohan said, already imagining Jiang Fengmian’s constipated expression at seeing his lover’s son that was stolen from his grasp wearing Wen sect colors and, in an ideal world, smearing his own son into the ground with his superlative skill. “That will be repayment enough.”

-

“You need to get laid,” Sect Leader Nie said, and Wen Ruohan was reminded again of why he despised the man and should have killed him years ago. Why hadn’t he done that again? “As a matter of cultivation.”

“You’re joking,” Wen Ruohan said, putting down his bowl of wine and staring at him in disbelief. He hadn’t expected the man to actually be serious. It was rare enough an event, but in fairness to him, he never joked about matters of cultivation. “How does one help the other?”

“It’ll help balance you out.” Sect Leader Nie thought about it. “Or at least let you get out some of that nervous energy that makes you a paranoid megalomaniacal little bitch about eighty percent of the time.”

That sounded a bit more in character.

“If dual cultivation could fix personality problems, Lao Nie, you’d be immortal.”

“Who says I’m not?” Sect Leader Nie asked, teeth bared in a smile. “Only time will tell. Haven’t I already outlived my father?”

Wen Ruohan rolled his eyes. Sect Leader Nie had outlived his father because when he’d started in on a qi deviation like every other member of his blasted family, he, Wen Ruohan, had personally dived into the irritating bastard’s spiritual consciousness and dragged him back out again. It was very much not something that people were supposed to do, being more likely to cause qi deviations in the person doing the rescuing than resulting in an actual rescue, but he’d never cared what people were supposed to do and, really, it would be extremely annoying to have to do without him now that he’d invested all that time and effort and figured out how to get some real use out of him. Anyway, they both seemed to be fine and possibly they were also soul-bonded now - he wasn’t actually sure, Wen Qing always got a weird expression on her face whenever she talked about it, and he usually stopped listening at that point.

He didn’t really care. As long as it didn’t interfere with his plans, what did it mtter?

“Who exactly am I supposed to be dual cultivating with, exactly?” he asked dryly, deciding to address the matter head-on because that was the only way Sect Leader Nie understood things. “Don’t volunteer yourself again. I already told you that I refuse to indulge your ridiculous kink for dangerous people.”

Anymore, anyway.

Sect Leader Nie made a face at him, but Wen Ruohan ignored him. He might’ve fallen for that before the whole spiritual consciousness-soulbond business, but now he knew for sure that it was a kink, so – no.

Nothappening.

“You have a kink for things that increase your power, I don’t know why you’re being so judgy about my kink,” the other man grumbled. “And I don’t know, find someone – not another wife, you hate your wives, and anyway they’re much happier with their other lovers.”

“I didn’t pick them because I liked them,” Wen Ruohan pointed out. “I picked them because I wanted to absorb their sects and all the aligned sects associated with them. Which I did.”

“See, this is your problem! You married for power, rather than power, if you get my meaning –”

This was true. If any of his wives could cultivate worth a damn, maybe he’d care more about them. As it was, getting a son on each of them had been an exercise in willpower.

“ – and now you’re too busy pursuing power to fuck anyone else. You really need to get it out of your system. Find someone who can kill you.”

“No one can kill me,” Wen Ruohan said. “I’m the closest thing the cultivation world has to a god. Everyone should bow down and worship me.”

Sect Leader Nie started muttering something about megalomania again, but Wen Ruohan ignored him. It wasn’t a qi deviation talking if it was true.

“I bet we could find someone who could kill you if we tried,” Sect Leader Nie finally said. “And if they’re powerful enough to kill you, they’re probably powerful enough for the dual cultivation to improve your own cultivation, which is all you care about…we should start a war, maybe.”

“A war? Against who? And why?”

Sect Leader Nie frowned thoughtfully, stroking his chin. “The Jin sect?” he suggested, probably because he’d never liked Jin Guangshan. “Or the Jiang sect? Or both, I guess, since they’re allied. They’re next on your take-over list, aren’t they?”

“You’re next on my take-over list,” Wen Ruohan said threateningly, except Sect Leader Nie only laughed at him. Which was fair, he supposed, that whole soul-bond thing made the whole conquering business somewhat unnecessary – Qishan Wen and Qinghe Nie were bound together now as thoroughly as if he’d married the man.

Which he hadn’t. And wouldn’t. No matter what stupid snarky comments Sect Leader Nie said about Wen Ruohan treating him as a de facto consort on account of not having devouring his sect whole.

(Which he wasn’t going to do either - his sons still loved the man, and by now they were as thick as thieves with the Nie boys. What was he supposed to do, disappoint them? It’d be the same as disappointing himself, and he wasn’t about to do that.)

“I suppose we could start a war against the Jin and Jiang,” he allowed. His plan had always called for battle eventually, since he knew there was a limit to how many sects he could absorb through political, marital, economic or other means. As long as the other Great Sects stood against him, he’d never be able to achieve total domination – plus, he’d have to continue to suffer through those awful discussion conferences with the boring lectures and the petty politics of it all. Why couldn’t they see that they’d allbe better off under his dominion? “I could send Wen Zhuliu –“

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s not how you fight wars honorably, and also because I hate that man’s guts. I can’t believe you gave him your surname.”

Wen Ruohan rolled his eyes yet again. Such petty concerns were beneath him. “If we launch a surprise attack using him assassinate the Jiang sect leaders, thereby bringing down the Lotus Pier, the war will be over sooner,” he pointed out.

“Makes it harder to assimilate them into the Wen sect afterwards, though,” Sect Leader Nie pointed out, and damnit, he had a point. “Not to mention you’re going to want some experienced people policing your waterways when you finally take over…”

Damnit.

“Fine,” Wen Ruohan said. “We’ll declare war the old-fashioned way. Maybe we’ll find someone on the opposite side that can impress me, and then I’ll marry her – or him – and be done with the whole business. Happy now?”

Sect Leader Nie made a maybe-so gesture with his hand. “Anyone who can match you in power can probably kill me,” he said regretfully. “Would you consider sharing –“

“Paws off my hypothetical future consort, you beast. Anyway, aren’t you already pursuing Lan Qiren because he nearly slit your throat with a guqin string once?”

“A man can look!”

-

“Say,” Sect Leader Nie said, staring at the army of fierce corpses currently shambling along to the tune of Wei Wuxian’s flute, advancing inexorably towards their enemies – an entirely new cultivation style that the boy had recently invented. In an effort to impress his benefactor Wen Ruohan, apparently. “Are you sure about the no sharing rule?”

Wen Ruohan stared at the grown man perched on a tree like a demon, wrapped in shadow and crackling with power, eyes glowing as red as the sun-patterns on his clothing, who seemed to want nothing more from the world than to serve it up to Wen Ruohan on a platter.

“Yes,” he said, voice only a little strangled. Maybe Sect Leader Nie had a point about power being a kink for him. “I’m very sure.”

[hamliet]

The Crows Summon the Sun

Or, Hamliet’s review of Shadow & Bone, which gets a 4.5/5 for enjoyment and a 3.5/5 in terms of writing.

The true heroes of this story and the saviors of the show are the Crows. However, the problem is that the show then has an uneven feel, because the strength of the Crows plotline highlights the weaknesses of the trilogy storyline. But imo, overall, the strengths overshadow (#punintended) the weaknesses. 

I’ll divide the review into the narrative and the technical (show stuff, social commentary), starting with narrative.

Narrative: The Good 

It’s What The Crows Deserve

I went into the show watching it for the Crows; however, knowing that their storyline was intended to be a prequel, I wasn’t terribly optimistic. And while it is a prequel, the characters have complete and full arcs that perfectly set them up for the further development they will have in the books (which I think should be the next season?). Instead of retreading the arcs they’d have in the books, which is how prequels usually go, they had perfect set up for these arcs. It’s really excellent. 

Jesper, Inej, and Kaz are all allowed to be flawed, to have serious conflicts with one another, and yet to love each other. They feel like a found family in the best of ways. Kaz is the perfect selfish rogue; he’s a much more successfully executed Byronic hero than the Darkling, actually. Inej is heroic and her faith is not mocked, yet she too is flawed and her choices are not always entirely justified, but instead left to the audience to ponder (like killing the girl), which is a more mature writing choice that I appreciated. 

Jesper is charming, has a heart of gold despite being a murderer and on the surface fairly greedy, and MILO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GOAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I also liked Jesper’s fling with Dima but I felt it could be better used rather than merely establishing his sexuality, like if Jesper and Dima had seen each other one more time or something had come of their tryst for the plot/themes/development of Jesper. 

Nina and Matthias’s backstory being in the first season, instead of in flashbacks, really works because it automatically erases any discomfort of the implications of Nina having falsely accused Matthias that the books start with. We know Nina, we know Matthias, we know their motivations, backgrounds, and why they feel the way we do. It’ll be easy for the audience to root for them without a lot of unnecessary hate springing from misunderstanding Nina (since she’s my favorite). Matthias’s arc was also really strongly executed and satisfyingly tragic. Their plotline was a bit unfortunately disconnected from the rest of the story, but Danielle Gallagan and Callahan Skogman have absolutely sizzling chemistry so I found myself looking forward to their scenes instead of feeling distracted. Also? It’s nice seeing a woman with Nina’s body type as a romantic and powerful character. 

Hamliet Likes Malina Now

Insofar as the trilogy storyline goes, the best change the show made was Mal. He still is the same character from the books, but much more likable. The pining was... a lot (too much in episode 4, I felt) but Malina is a ship I actually enjoyed in the show while I NOTP’d it in the books. Mal has complexity and layers to his motivations (somewhat) and a likable if awkward charm. Archie Renaux was fantastic. 

Ben Barnes is the perfect Aleksandr Kirigan, and 15 year old me, who had the biggest of big crushes on Ben Barnes (first celebrity crush over a decade ago lol), was pretty damn happy lol. He’s magnificantly acted--sympathetic and terrifying, sincerely caring and yet villainous in moments. Story-wise, I think it was smart to reveal his name earlier on than in the books, because it helps with the humanization especially in a visual medium like film. Luda was a fitting (if heartbreaking) backstory, but it is also hard for me to stomach knowing what the endgame of his character is. Like... I get the X-men fallacy thing, but I hope the show gives more kindness to his character than the books did, yet I’m afraid to hold my breath. Just saying that if you employ save the cat, if you directly say you added this part (Luda) to make the character more likable (as the director did) please do not punish the audience for feeling what you intended. 

I also liked the change that made Alina half-Shu. It adds well to her arc and fits with her character, actually giving her motivations (she kinda just wants to be ordinary in a lot of ways) a much more interesting foundation than in the books. Also it’s nice not to have another knock-off Daenerys (looking to you Celaena and book!Alina). Jessie Mei Li does a good job playing Alina’s insecurities and emotions, but... 

Narrative: The Ehhhhhhh

Alina the Lamp

Sigh. Here we go. Alina has little consistent characterization. She’s almost always passive when we see her, yet she apparently punches an officer for calling her a name and this seems to be normal for her, but it doesn’t fit at all with what we know about her thus far. Contradictions are a part of humanity, but it’s never given any focus, so it comes across as inconsistent instead of a flaw or repression. 

I have no idea what Alina wants, beside that she wants to be with Mal, which is fine except I have no idea what the basis of their bond is. Even with like, other childhood friends to lovers like Ren/Nora in RWBY or Eren/Mikasa in SnK, there’s an inciting moment, a reason, that we learn very early on in their story to show us what draws them together. Alina and Mal just don’t have that. There’s the meadow/running away thing, but they were already so close, and why?  Why, exactly? What brought them together? The term “bullies” is thrown around but it isn’t ever explored and it needed to be this season. If I have to deal with intense pining for so many episodes at least give me a foundation for their devotion. You need to put this in the beginning, in the first season. You just do.

A “lamp” character is a common metaphor to describe a bad character: essentially, you could replace the character with a lamp and nothing changes. Considering Alina’s gift is light, it’s a funnily apt metaphor, but it really does apply. Her choices just don’t... matter. She could be a special lamp everyone is fighting over and almost nothing would change. The ironic thing is that everyone treating her like a fancy lamp is exactly the conflict, but it’s never delved into. We’re never shown that Alina is more than a lamp. She never has to struggle because her choices are made for her and information is gifted to her when she needs it. Not making choices protects Alina from consequences and the story gives her little incentive to change that; in fact, things tend to turn out better when she doesn’t make choices (magic stags will arrive). 

Like... let’s look at a few occasions when Alina almost or does make choices. For example, she chooses to (it seems) sleep with Kirigan, but then there’s a convenient knock at the door and Bhagra arrives with key information that changes Alina’s mind instantly despite the fact that Bhagra’s been pretty terrible to her. If you want to write a woman realizing she’s been duped by a cruel man, show her discovering it instead of having the man’s abusive mother tell her when she had absolutely no such suspicions beforehand. There’s no emotional weight there because Alina doesn’t struggle. 

When she is actually allowed to carry out a bad choice, the consequences are handwaved away instead of built into a challenge for her. Like... Alina got her friends killed. More than once. I’m not saying she’s entirely to blame for these but could we show her reacting to it? Feeling any sort of grief? She never mentions Raisa or Alexei after they’re gone, just Mal, and I’m... okay. They were there because of you. Aren’t you feeling anything? Aren’t you sad? The only time Alina brings up her friends’ deaths is to tell Kirigan he killed her friends when they were only there because she burned the maps. She yells at Kirigan for “never” giving her a choice, but she almost never makes any, so why would he? Alina has the gall to lecture Genya about choices, but she herself almost never has to make any. 

Which brings me to another complaint in general: Alina’s lack of care for everyone around her when they’re not Mal, even if they care for her. Marie dies because of her (absolutely not her fault of course) but as far as we know she never even learns about Marie. She certainly doesn’t ever ask about her or Nadia. Alina seems apathetic at best to people, certainly not compassionate or kind. 

The frustrating thing is that there is potential here. Like, it actually makes a lot of psychological sense for an orphan who has grown up losing to be reluctant to care for people outside of her orbit and that she would struggle to believe she can have any say in her destiny (ie make choices). It’s also interesting that a girl who feels like an outsider views others outside her. But the show never offers examines Alina’s psychology with any depth; it simply tells us she’s compassionate when she is demonstrably not, it tells us she makes decisions when it takes magical intervention to do so. It’s a missed opportunity. This does not change between episodes 1 and 8, despite the episodes’ parallel structures and scenes, which unintentionally reinforces that Alina had little real development. 

Inej and ironically Jesper and Kaz embody the concept of “mercy” far better and with far more complexity than Alina does. The Crows have reactions to the loss of people who even betray them (Arken, etc), learn, and course-correct (or don’t) when they are even loosely involved in having strangers die. They’re good characters because they change and learn and have their choices matter. When they kill we see them wrestle with it and what this means even if they are accustomed to doing so. Jesper can’t kill in front of a child. Kaz wonders what his killings do to Inej’s idea of him.

Narrative: The Mixed Bag

Tropes, Themes, Telling vs. Showing

So the show’s themes in the Alina storyline are a mess, as they are in the trilogy too. Tropes are a very valuable way to show your audience what you’re trying to say. They’re utilized worldwide because they resonate with people and we know what to expect from them. The Crows' storyline shows us what it wants us to learn.

Preaching tells, and unfortunately, the trilogy relies on telling/preaching against fornicationBad Boys. It’s your right to write any trope or trample any trope you want--your story--but you should at least understand what/why you are doing so. The author clearly knows enough about Jungian shadows and dark/light yin/yang symbolism to use it in the story, but then just handwaves it away as “I don’t like this” but never does so in a narratively effective way: addressing the appeal in the first place. If you really wanna deconstruct a trope, you gotta empathize with the core of the reason these tropes appeal to people (it allays deep fears that we are ourselves unlovable, through loving another person despite how beastly they can be), and address this instead of ignoring it. Show us a better way through the Fold of your story. Don’t just go around it and ignore the issue.

The trilogy offers highly simplistic themes at best--bad boy bad and good boy good, which is fine-ish for kid lit but less fine for adult complexity, which the show (more so than the books) seems to try to push despite not actually having much of it.

Alina and Mal are intended to be good, we’re told they are, but I’m not sure why beyond just that we’re told so. Alina claims the stag chose her, but in the show it’s never explained why at all. Unlike with Kaz, Inej, Jesper, and hell even Matthias and Nina, we don’t see Alina or Mal’s complex choices and internal wrestling. 

Like, Inej’s half-episode where she almost killed the guy they needed was far more character exploration than Alina has the entire show, to say nothing of Inej’s later killing which not only makes her leaps and bounds more interesting, but ironically cements her as a far more compelling and yes, likable, heroine than Alina. We see Inej’s emotional and moral conflict. We can relate to her. We see Kaz struggling with his selfishness and regrets, with his understanding of himself through his interactions with and observations of Inej, Alina, the Darkling, Arken, and Jesper.

We don’t explore what makes Mal or Alina good and what makes them bad. We don’t know what Alina discovers about herself, what her power means for her. We are told they are good, we are told she knows her power is hers, but never shown what this means or what this costs them/her. Their opportunities to be good are handed to them (the stag, Bhagra) instead of given to them as a challenge in which they risk things, in which doing good or making a merciful choice costs them. Alina gets to preach about choices without ever making any; Inej risks going back to the Menagerie to trust Kaz. Her choices risk. They cost. They matter and direct her storyline and her arc, and those of the people around her.

Production Stuff:

The Good: 

The production overall is quite excellent. The costumes, pacing, acting, and cinematography (for example, one of the earliest scenes between the Darkling and Alina has Alina with her back to the light, face covered in his shadow, while the Darkling’s face is light up by her light even if he stands in the shadows) are top-notch. The soundtrack as well is incredible and emphasizes the scenes playing. The actors have great chemistry together, friend chemistry and romantic when necessary (Mal and Alina, the Darkling and Alina, Kaz and Inej, Nina and Matthias, David and Genya, etc.) All are perfectly cast. 

The Uncomfortable Technicalities Hamliet Wants to Bitch About:

The only characters from fantasy!Europe having any trace of an accent reminiscent of said fantasy country's real-world equivalent are antagonists like Druskelle (Scandinavia) and Pekka (Ireland). When the heroes mostly have British accents despite being from fantasy Russia and Holland, it is certainly A Choice to have the Irish accent emphasized. The actor is British by the way, so I presume he purposely put on an Irish accent. I'm sure no one even considered the potential implications of this but it is A Look nonetheless.

The Anachronisms Hamliet Has a Pet Peeve About: 

The worldbuilding is compelling, but the only blight on the worldbuilding within the story itself (ignoring context) was that there are some anachronisms that took me out of the story, particularly in the first episode where “would you like to share with the class” and “saved by the horn” are both used. Both are modern-day idioms in English that just don’t fit, especially the latter. The last episode uses “the friends we made along the way.” There are other modern idioms as well.

IT’S STARKOVA and Other Pet Peeves Around the Russian Portrayal 

Russian names are not hard, and Russian naming systems are very, very easy to learn. I could have waved “Starkov” not being “Starkova,” “Nazyalensky” not being “Nazyalenskaya,”  and “Safin” not being “Safina” as an American interpretation (since in America, the names do not femininize). However, “Mozorova” as a man is unfathomable and suggests to me the author just doesn’t understand how names work, which is a bit... uh okay considering a simple google search gets you to understand Russian names. They aren’t hard. I cannot understand why the show did not fix this. It is so simple to fix and would be a major way to help the story’s overall... caricature of Russia. 

Speaking of that... Ravka is supposedly Russian-based, but it is more accurately based on the stereotypes of what Americans think of Russia. Amerussia? Russica? Not great. 

The royals are exactly what Americans think of the Romanovs, right down to the “greasy” “spiritual advisor” who is clearly Rasputin and which ignores the Romanov history, very real tragedy, and the reason Rasputin was present in the court. The religion with all its saints is a vapid reflection of Russian Orthodoxy. The military portrayal with its lotteries and brutality and war is how the US views the Russian military. The emphasis on orphans, constant starvation, classification, and children being ripped from their homes to serve the government is a classic US understanding of USSR communism right down to the USSR having weapons of destruction the rest of the world fears (Grisha). Not trying to defend the Soviet Union here at all, but it is simplistic and reductive and probably done unconsciously but still ehhhh. 

However, I’m not Russian. I just studied Russian literature. I’ve seen very little by way of discussion of this topic online, but what I do see from Russian people has been mixed--some mind, some don’t. The reality is that I actually don’t really mind this because it’s fantasy, though I see why some do. I'm not like CANCEL THIS. So why am I talking about this beyond just having a pet peeve?

Well, because it is a valid critique, and because it doesn’t occur in a vacuum. The Grishaverse is heralded as an almost paragon for woke Young Adult literature, which underlines itself what so frustrates me about how literary circles discuss issues of diversity and culture. Such praise, while ignoring its quasi-caricature of Russia, reflects a very ethnocentric (specifically American) understanding of culture, appropriation, and representation. All stories are products of their culture to various extents, but it bothers me on principle what the lit community reacts (and overreacts sometimes?) to and what people give a pass to. The answer to what the community reacts to and what it gives a pass always pivots on how palatable the appropriation is to American understandings and sensibilities. There’s nuance here as well, though. 

I'm not cancelling the story or thinking it should be harshly attacked for this, but it is something that can be discussed and imo should be far more often--but with the nuance it begs, instead of black/white. But that’s a tall ask. 

[marauderundercover]

Taking Chances Ch. 26: Illusions (Dance)

AO3

Prev

Marinette quickly decides she hates the punishment. The grounding. It sucks not being allowed to go on patrol with her family. Luckily, Adrien came back to Paris the day after she was grounded, so she didn’t have to take any of her family to Paris. Which she was thankful for, because as much as she loved them, she also doubted they’d be able to control their emotions long enough. 

“Hey kiddo, we’re about to head out to patrol. Do you need anything?” Dick asks, sticking his head into her room. He’d been extremely nice since she got benched, not that he was ever anything but nice. But he’d also been acting like another dad, checking in on her, making dad jokes, the works. It helped since her own dad was currently still mad at her for blocking him from Paris. 

“To patrol with you guys.” She says with a hopeful smile. Dick sighs, shaking his head. 

“You know I can’t do that Mari. B’s the one who has to say you’re allowed back. I’m sorry kid.” Dick says. Marinette frowns. 

“It’s fine. I’ll just stay here and draw or something.” She says, flopping back down on her bed. She can tell Dick hesitates, as if he wants to say something else, but then he’s gone. And she’s alone. Again. 

“Marinette, are you okay?” Tikki asks, flying over and landing next to her head. 

“It’s been four days, Tikki. Four days. How much longer is he gonna have me benched? If the akuma was bad, I would’ve brought in Kagami or Luka.” She rambles, covering her face with her hands. She was restless, which was making her anxious. She wanted to do something. She didn’t want to be stuck at home. And sure, she could train in the gym here, but her mind wouldn’t be in it. She’d be worried about her family the whole time. 

“Well...maybe it’s time for you to be ungrounded.” Tikki says slowly. Marinette pulls her hands from her face and blinks at her friend. 

“Are you...are you ungrounding me?” She asks. Because yes, her dad had grounded her. But Tikki had agreed with the punishment. And while sneaking around the world’s greatest detective would be hard, she was willing to do it. Going against the goddess of creation? Not so much. 

“If you bring Trixx, you’ll be able to be invisible when you’re around your family.” Tikki suggests and Marinette grins. 

“Plagg’s rubbing off on you, isn’t he?” She teases. Tikki huffs. 

“Not at all. I just don’t like seeing you upset, Marinette.” She says and Marinette smiles. 

“Thank you, Tikki.” She says, going over to the Miracle Box and pulling out Trixx’ necklace. She puts it on and grins at the small fox. 

“Hiya Guardian! What’s goin’ on?” Trixx asks with a wide smile. 

“Tikki suggested I bring you on patrol so I can be invisible. Whaddya say Trixx, ready to cause some mischief?” Marinette asks. Trixx smirks. 

“Obviously!” He cheers. Marinette grins. Let the fun begin.

---

Marinette sticks close to her family, using Mirage to make herself invisible. It was weird, following her family and not being able to hear them (she hadn’t wanted to take a comm in case she messed up and talked, she’d be in real trouble then). But it was also funny, watching her dad tense if she got too close. He could definitely tell that something funny was going on, but she was determined to not let him figure her out. The beeping from Trixx’ necklace makes her huff. She’d have to go hide and recharge, but it was fine. Trixx had already told her that he was having fun messing with her family, so she knew he’d be willing to keep going for a little while longer. Dashing behind one of the air conditioning units on the roof, she lets Trixx’ Mirage drop, passing him a handful of berries. 

“Take your time Trixx, they won’t get far.” Marinette reassures him, smiling at him as he grabs the berries from her. She leans up against the unit, taking a minute to just relax. 

“Well, well, well. Looks like the little bug strayed from her birds.” A familiar voice drawls out. Marinette stiffens, not turning. 

“Trixx, go. Find the others.” She commands, ripping the necklace off and passing it to Trixx. He immediately zips away and she whirls around, just in time to jump back and avoid the sword coming at her. 

“You have more than one Miraculous? How interesting. You know, Damian stopped us from talking last time. I’d love to...chat.” Slade says, pulling his sword back. She can’t see his face, but she can hear the smirk in his voice. Marinette grits her teeth, remembering the last time she’d seen the man. The scar she had on her shoulder. 

“I’d rather not. No offense, but you don’t seem like a great conversationalist.” She snarks, her entire body tense as she stays poised to fight. She glances around, trying to find an escape route that would get her as far away from him as possible. And quick.

“You’re not actually thinking of running, are you? You have no backup. I’ve been watching the Bats tonight. No one knows you’re even here.” He says, stepping closer so that he’s almost blocked her in. She feels her breathing quicken as she starts to panic slightly. She’d only escaped last time because of her family. They’d fought him off after he got ahold of her. He’s far stronger than her, she has to stay out of his reach. She takes a deep breath, staring the man down and schooling her features into a neutral mask. She refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her distressed. 

“I never run from a fight.” She lies, throwing her yoyo out to wrap around the handle of the man’s sword, tugging as she throws her weight to his left. The clanking of the sword as it bounces off the roof makes her grin, and she quickly tugs the yoyo, grabbing the sword by its handle and twirling it around slightly, planting her feet in her new position. She’d managed to move so that she was no longer blocked between Slade and the air conditioning unit. 

“Oh sweetheart, you can’t possibly beat me.” He says, shaking his head as he walks towards her, pulling his second sword off his back. 

“Don’t underestimate me.” She snaps, holding up the sword and preparing herself to fight back. He sighs, as if he’s disappointed in her, before lunging forward, bringing his sword up for an attack. She holds up her own sword, blocking his strike. It was much different than the fencing foil she’d used a few times back in Paris, much heavier. She grits her teeth as he pushes down with the sword, obviously trying to overpower her. She holds for another moment before jumping back, jerking her sword away. The sudden change in force makes him stumble forwards and let out a growl. He continues to lunge towards her as she dances back and forth, trying to avoid fighting him too much. He’d definitely overpower her if she let him get too close. 

“I’d rather do this the easy way, darling, but if you’re really going to make me do this the hard way we can.” He threatens, twirling the sword around before charging her again. She let out a gasp, jumping back again, her foot slipping as she was much closer to the edge of the roof than she expected. She falls, managing to grab the roof with her open hand, the sword now dangling at her side. She had two options. She could let go of the sword and use her yoyo to swing away, or she could try and let go of the roof and shoot out her yoyo quick enough to avoid splatting on the ground. She quickly makes her decision, dropping the sword into the dumpster below her and yanking out her yoyo to attempt to swing away. 

“No!” She yells, as Slade grabs her hand from the roof, tugging her towards him before she can swing away. She struggles against him, kicking at him, throwing her elbows around wildly. She had to get out of his hold. 

“Did you really think that would work?” He asks, as he pins her to chest. She continues struggling in his grasp, not willing to give up yet.

“Thought I’d try it.” She huffs. 

“Sure you did sweetheart. Now, I’ll be taking these.” Slade says, reaching for her earrings. He touches them and hisses in pain, Marinette also hissing in shock. They’d heated up when he grabbed them, almost like they were trying to burn him. Unfortunately for Marinette, they were still on her ears. Which meant she also got burned. 

“What the hell was that?” He hisses, whirling her around to face her, continuing to hold her arms down. She continues to struggle while glaring at the man. 

“Apparently the earrings don’t want you either.” She snaps. 

“Guess I’ll just have to take you with me.” He says and her eyes widen in panic. No. Nope. Not a secondary location, she’d watched enough true crime shows and listened to Tim rant about cold cases enough to know what a secondary location meant. It meant death. And she was not about to die again, especially not somewhere she couldn’t use the Cure. A hard blow to the back of her head makes her vision go black as she quickly slips into unconsciousness. 

---

Dick Grayson was not expecting to see a tiny floating fox on patrol. He was definitely not expecting said tiny fox to be carrying a necklace and rambling worriedly.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down buddy. What’s wrong?” Dick asks, smiling at them. They were similar to Plagg, the tiny floating black cat that had hung around the day Marinette was a toddler. 

“It’s the Guardian! She needs help. A man with a mask and swords found her and she doesn’t have any backup.” They ramble, a terrified look on their face. Dick frowns. 

“Who?” He asks, not quite sure why the fox has chosen him. 

“Marinette!” They cry, and Dick freezes. “Tikki told her she could be ungrounded and so we were following you guys, but then she had to stop and the man found her. Please, help her!” 

“Lead the way.” He says, whirling on his heel and following the little creature as it zips through the city. He follows them all the way to a roof, frowning when the fox pauses and looks around, clear panic on their face. 

“They were here. She was here.” They mumble, twisting in circles and looking around. They start zipping forward again, and Dick has to rush to follow. Hopefully they’d spotted Marinette. And whoever the guy was. As he follows the fox, he frowns when he spots a figure carrying something over their shoulder. Something limp- He pushes forward, going faster than the fox as he attempts to catch up. The second the figure lands on a roof, he whips out his escrima sticks, whacking the man across the back of his legs. The man stumbles, spinning around and glaring at Dick. 

“Nightwing, wasn’t expecting to see you.” Slade growls. Dick narrows his eyes. 

“Drop the girl, Slade.” He demands. Slade lets out a humorless laugh. 

“I’ve been trying to get to her for weeks, do you really think I’m going to let go of her that easily?” He asks. 

“I think if you know what’s good for you, you’ll set her down and get the hell out of Gotham.” Dick says. 

“Nightwing, who is it?” Damian’s voice rings through the comm. Dick’s relieved that he was on the duo’s channel rather than the group channel. If he could get Marinette home before B noticed, maybe his baby sister wouldn’t get in more trouble. 

“I don’t think you understand the importance of her earrings.” Slade counters, obviously preparing to fight his way out. 

“I don’t care how important you think they are, Slade. Put her down and get out of the city.” He says, watching the older man’s body language to try and anticipate the attack. He hears Damian curse in his ear, and he resists the urge to reprimand him. 

“How about no.” Slade quips, tossing Marinette to the side of the roof and charging at him in one fluid motion. Dick sees red as he watches Marinette get tossed aside so carelessly, her head bouncing off the roof. He uses one of his escrima sticks to counter the blows from the other man’s sword, using his other to whack the man’s shoulder. The two circle each other, each taking turns to start the attack. Slade may be motivated by his want for the earrings, but Dick was fighting for his sister. Losing wasn’t an option for Dick, not when one of his siblings was in danger. 

“I believe Nightwing told you to leave.” Damian calls, bursting into the fight. Slade turns back towards Marinette, and just as Dick’s about to lunge for him- she disappears. Completely. Gone from sight. He begins to panic slightly. Where did she go? What happened to her? The cry from Slade breaks his concentration from where his sister just disappeared into thin air. He glances back at the man, unsurprised to see Damian’s sword through the older man’s side. As much as he wants to see Slade suffer, he knows Damian would be in trouble later if he actually killed the older man. “Robin.” Dick calls, hoping to ground his little brother before he did something he would regret. Damian scowls, stepping away from Slade. Dick turns his attention to the man, who was now disarmed and bleeding profusely. Not much of a threat. “Get the hell out of this city. Don’t let us see you here again Slade.” He snaps, unsurprised as the man turns and rushes away. The man was a coward. His biggest enemy was a twelve year old boy who had done nothing but be born. Gritting his teeth, Dick takes a deep breath. No need to let his anger get the best of him. He immediately starts to panic when he remembers Marinette disappearing. Just as he’s about to call it in, her limp form shimmers back into view. He rushes over to her, glancing momentarily at the floating fox next to her. 

“I can do mirages. Hopefully I controlled it enough not to make chaos anywhere, but-” They stop, glancing at Marinette. “But I had to do something.”

“Thank you.” Dick says softly, picking up Marinette and holding her close to his chest. 

“Should I alert Father?” Damian asks. Dick turns to look at him, noticing how tense the younger boy looks. He weighs his options. He could take her back to the manor and let her get into even more trouble with Bruce. Or, he could take her to his apartment and try to convince Bruce that she’d been there all night. 

“Let’s not. She’ll just be benched for even longer, and obviously trying to keep her from patrols isn’t going to end well for us.” Dick says, frowning at her limp form. Damian tenses, but nods. “I will continue patrol while you take her to a safe location. I expect an update once she is awake. You should stay with her, Slade has obviously become obsessed with her.” Damian says, and Dick nods.

“Thank you, Robin. I know you don’t like going against him, but…..” Dick trails off, looking at Marinette and how tiny she looked right now. Damian nods. 

“She’s family as well. I did not agree with her punishment, I will not aid in it being lengthened.” He says before swinging away. Dick just smiles softly, shaking his head at his youngest brother. That was probably as close as he’d get to admitting he loved Marinette. But it was clear, in his actions, that he did care about her. Just as he cared about their other brothers, no matter how much he denied it. Sighing, Dick adjusts Marinette in his arms before grappling towards his apartment. This was going to be a long night. 

---

Marinette wakes up and immediately groans at the light in the room. Almost immediately, the light disappears, as if someone flipped a switch. 

“Hey kiddo.” A soft voice says. She sits up and winces, holding a hand against her head. She blinks, her eyes adjusting as she glances around the unfamiliar space. 

“Dick?” She says, confused. Where were they? What happened?

“You’re okay kid, we’re at my apartment. It’s where I live when Kori and Mari are in town. Slade got you, almost got away with you too. But your little fox friend found me and I was able to get there in time. Try and drink a little water, I need to call Damian and let him know you’re awake.” He says and she starts to panic. Did their dad also know? Was she in more trouble? Was- “Marinette, you gotta breathe. Damian and I are the only ones who know you snuck out. Neither of us wanna tell B, cause then you’d just be sneaking on patrol even longer and that’s dangerous. But I’m not gonna lecture you right now. So just take a breath. That’s it kid, you’re okay.” He soothes, breathing with her for several counts. She nods once she’s calmed down, and he grins at her before walking away to make the call. She picks up the water, sipping on it and trying to ignore the pounding in her head. Instead, she glances around the apartment, smiling softly at the pictures. She’d found out about her sister in law and niece not that long ago. They were apparently off planet right now, but she had hope that they would be back before the summer was over so she could meet them. A sudden wave of nausea hits her and she groans, laying back against the couch. She huffs in frustration when she realizes she likely has a concussion.

“When I said you were ungrounded, I didn’t mean for you to fight the man that stabbed you on your first trip to Gotham.” Tikki complains, flying up and staring straight into her eyes. Marinette groans, squeezing her eyes shut and pouting. 

“I didn’t mean to.” She reminds the Kwami, opening an eye to peek at her. 

“Didn’t mean to.” She mumbles before letting out an uncharacteristic huff. “Next time tell one of your brothers, please Marinette. Even if you’re sneaking out. I’m sure they could figure out a way to be in communication with you without letting your dad know. It would make me feel better knowing that you have backup from the start.” Tikki says, her worry clear on her small face. 

“I will, don’t worry Tikki.” Marinette says with a sigh. She could hold her own against a normal criminal, or an akumatized villain. But it wasn’t easy fighting against a man more than twice her size who was obviously highly trained. 

“B thinks you came over here before patrol, so your cover is safe.” Dick says, walking back into the living room. Marinette smiles weakly at him, fully expecting a lecture now that he’s off the phone. Dick sits on the arm of the chair next to the couch, looking at her worriedly. “Think you have a concussion?” He asks. She blinks, but nods slowly. He walks away and comes back a moment later with some painkillers, passing them to her. She takes them, hoping that they’ll start working sooner than later as the dull pounding in her head has escalated since waking up. 

“Are you gonna yell at me?” She asks quietly, not looking at him. 

“No, Marinette, I’m not gonna yell at you.” He says, and she looks at him, frowning. 

“Why? I knew I was benched. And I still went out, and I didn’t tell anyone.” She says, confused as to why he wasn’t yelling. Her dad hadn’t yelled at her after she got stabbed, just flat out refused to let her patrol. But he’d yelled at her after the Watchtower thing. And the stealing the Batmobile thing. And the whole keeping him from getting to Paris thing. And the fighting an akuma alone thing. 

“You know that you messed up, why would I yell at you? You know, and now next time, you’ll do it differently. You’ll be better and learn from this mistake. I’m not gonna yell at you for secretly going on patrol ‘cause I’d be a hypocrite. Was I scared to death when I realized the limp thing on Slade’s shoulder was you? Yes. God, yes, I was terrified. But you’re here and you’re fine. So instead of yelling, you’re gonna stay here tonight and I’m gonna make sure I don’t need to take you to Alfred for the concussion.” Dick says with a small smile. Marinette smiles at her brother, relieved. 

“Are you gonna tell dad?” She asks. Even though he doesn’t know yet, she knows that there’s still a chance of Dick telling him. 

“No, but can you do something for me?” He asks. She nods. “Next time you wanna sneak out without B knowing, could you tell me or Jay? Please? Just so we know to check in on you. We’re not gonna follow you or anything, but it’d be nice to know that one of us needs to check in and make sure you’re okay.” He says. She quirks an eyebrow in surprise. He wasn’t going to follow her?

“Really?” She asks, he nods. 

“I know that sometimes you just need a break. Trust me, I get it. I understand that B can be….overbearing.” Dick says with a sigh. Marinette nods in agreement, sitting back slightly and letting out a yawn. Just as her eyes are about to close, there’s a snap in front of her face. 

“What?” She groans, frowning at her brother. 

“Can’t go to sleep yet kiddo. You clearly have a concussion, so I’m gonna need you to stay awake for a couple hours just to make sure your symptoms stay on the mild side.” He says. She frowns and is about to argue when the front door opens. Dick immediately jumps up and stands in front of her, but relaxes almost as quickly. 

“Daddy!” The little girl, who Marinette realizes must be Mar’i, squeals, flying straight at Dick. Marinette blinks. Her niece could fly. That’s awesome! But would definitely throw a new challenge in when she babysits the girl. 

“Who is this?” The woman, who was taller than Dick and drop dead gorgeous, asks, a small smile on her face. Marinette grins, waving from the couch. 

“Hey, I’m Marinette. Dick’s newest sister.” She says. The woman, Kori, sighs, a smile on her face as she shakes her head. 

“He adopted another?” She asks Dick. He snorts, shaking his head as he holds his daughter close. 

“Nope, she’s his actual daughter. Little D took it surprisingly well.” Dick says. 

“So she’s my aunt?” Mar’i asks, peeking over Dick’s shoulder. 

“Yup! I’m so glad to finally meet you Mar’i.” Marinette says with a small smile, dizziness hitting her again randomly. She shuts her eyes, trying to ground herself. 

“Oh, nope, sorry honey. Aunt Marinette has a bit of a headache right now, you’ll have to be easy with her.” She hears Dick say, probably stopping Mar’i from launching herself at her. 

“Can we play ballerina?” Mar’i asks, and Marinette forces herself to open her eyes and look at the girl. Her heart melts at the little pout on the girl’s face and Marinette already knows that this girl is going to have her wrapped around her finger, just like Manon. 

“Sweetie-” Dick starts, but Marinette cuts him off. 

“Why don’t you show me your ballerina moves tonight, and then tomorrow once I’m feeling better, we can play ballerina together?” She suggests, grinning at the look on her niece’s face. 

“Yes, yes, yes!” She squeals, launching herself from Dick’s arms and flying to a different room. 

“Marinette-” Dick starts with a sigh, an unimpressed look on his face. 

“I’ll help her.” Tikki speaks up, flying to be eye level with Dick. “I can’t heal her completely, but I can heal her partially just as I did when Slade stabbed her. But I do have to warn you, if he tries to hurt my Bug again, I will let him see that there is a fate worse than death.” Marinette blinks in surprise at the complete and total rage radiating from her usual cheery friend. She watches as Dick nods in agreement. 

“Better you than me. Bruce can’t yell at you.” He says in an even tone. Marinette’s jaw drops. That was...surprisingly violent for her usually cheery brother. Before she can question him, Mar’i flies back into the room in a pale pink tutu. 

“Ready to see my dances?” She asks, grinning widely. Marinette nods, settling in to spend some time with her newest family members, plans of a new ballet outfit for Mar’i already dancing through her head.

Next

Tag list:  @maribat-bdbwm @vixen-uchiha @stainedglassm @liquid-luck-00 @laurcad123 @waiting247 @jayjayspixiepop @mizzy-pop @jjmjjktth @trippingovermyfeet @queenz-z @thepaceperson @iloontjeboontje @toodaloo-kangaroo @ritacrow-blog @deathssilentapproach-blog @kittenmywaythrulife @nerd-nowandforever @tazanna-blythe @jaybird-and-co @jumpingjoy82 @lady-bee-fechin @corporeal-terrestrial

[thehomothings]

Analysis of Kite's conflicting moralities, relationship with death, and the toll reincarnation may take on one's psyche

So, today I decided to compile all the thoughts I have had about Kite's interesting worldview since the first time I saw him into one post, mostly for my own sake, really. If you're familiar with the few posts I've made, you know it's gonna be a mess, but hopefully a comprehensible mess.

A heads up, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, and very much deal with subjects of death and dying as a whole. Also, some of these conclusions are drawn from my own experiences and close brushes with death, I'm not going to go into much detail but it might get personal and definitely dark. I'm not even sure if I can call this a meta-analysis, and I'm obviously no expert, so mayhaps take all of this with a grain of salt.

Been getting into drawing lately, and during the more simple and mindless part of the painstaking process of dotting every single star in this, I let my thoughts wander through the latest part of the fic I'm writing, and I got a better grasp on what exactly made Kite such an elusive character to me.

I'm not quite sure why I got so attached to Kite. Perhaps it was the air of tragedy surrounding him, how despite his sordid past he remained still open and gentle even if outlined by a healthy dose of cynicism.

But sometimes, I think it's the fact that he is so paradoxical. He's brave, yet fears death to such a degree that creates a whole Nen ability around it, is a pacifist yet will not hesitate to spill blood for his own sake or someone else's. Despite the many ultimatums and warnings of 'I will not protect you', he gave his arm and then his life to save Gon and Killua. He approaches each hunt and battle with a clear plan of action in mind, but his Hatsu takes the form of a roulette that gives him random weapons which are never what he wants, but what he seems to need for that exact situation, which he cannot dispel without using. When he draws a weapon, the decision is locked in and his or his opponent's fate is sealed. That's why each time he dubbs his weapon a bad roll. Every time he has to gamble, he sees himself as having run out of luck. When it comes to having to choose between himself and somebody else...well, there had never been a choice. In fact his aversion to using it may feed into its sheer power that we, unfortunately, saw too little of.

Let's go over his very first appearance when he saves Gon from the mother Foxbear.

It's not hard to see the strain searching for Ging has put on him; he's rash, prone to anger and punching a child for daring to get into trouble. In his mind, he's failing at his most important task, has not yet earned the right to call himself a hunter despite being in possession of his very own hunter license.

After killing the mother Foxbear and raging about having done so, he says this interesting line:

So yes, he finds killing for any reason rather irksome as most would do, yet I think something deeper caused him to absolutely lose it in this scene:

He had not been aware of Gon's identity, and despite being an animal lover and a naturalist, he made a choice to save the human instead of allowing nature to run its course. In fact, he says: 'No beast that harms a human must be allowed to live.'

How does one weight one life against another? How is the worth of it determined? The value of life... an impossible choice he's faced with and a choice which he seems to regret to some degree.

The Foxbear cub.

Here, he's speaking from experience, a tangible loss he has felt himself, and a hard and bitter life he does not want to impose on the cub.

His backstory is exclusive to the 2011 anime adaptation but there are hints alluding to it in the manga, for example, the fact that he does not seem to know his birthplace, or:

The choice of words is chilling.

Reading between the lines, one could draw the conclusion that he is an orphan. Something supporting this hypothesis is how he visibly deflates after Gon tells him his parents have (presumably) died.

So we see he is willing to go against his own moral code of not killing as to not doom another living being to the life he led, a lonely, hopeless existence that could barely be called one. He saw it best to put down the cub rather than leave it to die a painful, slow death.

The reason Kite himself isn't as cynical and cold-hearted as one would be after witnessing cruelty in its rawest form is those small crumbs of human kindness which he may have found in Ging.

It was not only a chance at an honorable life being Ging's apprentice gave him, but it also 'saved' him from being broken and twisted into what he hated and worst of all, death.

If we take that one minute of backstory as canon to his character-which I find myself inclined to do- these quirks of his make much more sense. He lived on the run. He lived on the knife's edge between giving up or pushing forwards. He lived as so a wrong move could be the difference between survival and the end.

Between rock and a hard place creates a mentality of black and white, absolute good or extreme evil, this or that. Except in reality, it's much harder than that. Deciding who to save and who to strike down is a heavy burden to bear.

It's almost easy to see how struggling to keep surviving could lend itself to a crippling fear of death and subsequently developing a Nen ability which once more goes against his own moral code in order to give himself a second chance...yet something about it strikes me as unlikely when I look at it this way.

Living life knowing it could end at any moment has the opposite effect, at least for me it did. One comes to accept that it is fleeting and while not eager to let it go, when death eventually and inevitably does come, there is no fighting it.

Especially when there is no hope that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.

Frequent near-death experiences numb one's fear in a way, even if it drives them to take precautions that render it unlikely to happen again and results in c-PTSD, but still, it does. It sparks a certain nihilistic view of 'if it all can end so easily, then what's the point of it all?'

Unless there are things to live for, a sure promise of a better future, and Ging gave Kite that. When he faced the threat of losing his second chance at life:

Really, what else could lead someone to develop the ability of 'the hell I'm going to die like this'?

I think a separate event, an even more brutal near-death experience that almost cost him his life as the hunter he so strived to be set him off to develop the secret roll of Crazy Slots, what I call Roll No.0, Ars moriendi. Unlike other weapons, it cannot come up in random and is directly summoned by him, or better said, summon by his overwhelming will to keep going and hopelessness of fighting a losing battle. I don't believe roll No.3 was the weapon that allowed him to reincarnate. I've named that one Wand of Fortune, a sort of armor instead of an offensive weapon since I find it hard to believe Kite, a Conjurer, would not focus on defences as well, and I will go into both mechanisms of these weapons hopefully in his backstory.

Despite knowing this battle to be a pointless one and being acutely aware of his soon to be demise, he did not immediately draw Ars moriendi, no, he stayed back and fought for the sake of the boys, kept Neferpitou occupied until they could reach safety. We can see evidence of this in the aftermath of the battle that seemed to have gone on until dawn, a torn apart landscape only signaling a fraction of the devastation that was Kite's power unleashed. It still wasn't enough.

In the anime sub I watched, when Gon apologizes to Ging about Kite's death, Ging said a sentence that infuriated me, because it belittled the utter suffering of the NGL trio.

"He would not die in your place." (No screenshot, sorry)

And I remember practically shouting at the screen, screaming 'how could you possibly say that? Of course he did. He absolutely did die in their place. How could you not know your own apprentice? Why-'

It was only last night that it hit me why Ging would say that.

Once upon a time, maybe Kite would not have given his life for anybody under any circumstances, even if he had a way out of it all. He would still need to die to come back to life.

His Thanatophobia could be attributed to the (possibly untreated) PTSD of the near-death experience in his later life, being so certain of dying that finding himself alive afterwards drove him to never want to go through that again. He quieted his fear by creating a sort of a loophole, that even if he lost the battle he would remain. Ging remembered that, but as evidence shows, something changed. Maybe he healed a bit, perhaps growing up dulled his fear to a certain degree, but eventually when it came down to his life or another's, he didn't choose himself.

Now, I can hear you saying 'but he didn't die, so what are you going on about??' And so I reply: Yes, he is alive, but he did die. He experienced that painful, horrible moment of staring death in the eyes and thinking 'This is it, this is the end', went through the actual process of having his soul removed from his body. And that moment stretches into infinity, ten lifetimes condensed into the mere seconds before oblivion.

Dying isn't so hard if one stays dead.

It's not so easy to open one's eyes and find oneself alive again after that, no matter how much that is the heart's desire. It's difficult, nigh-impossible to reconcile with life and walk amongst the living when everything had been so final, when death had been accepted to its fullest.

So Kite awakens, the twin of Meruem and back from the dead, his mind and identity both intact and fractured. In that he is Kite is no mistaking, yet he is not the same gentle pacifist whose first reaction upon sensing a monster's aura was to shield two kids from it at the cost of his arm.

I don't think many of you are familiar with Zoroastrian ideology, but Togashi is known for loving his religious imagery, and it's not only Christianism he derives inspiration from (evidence of which can be seen all over Kite's character and resurrection).

In Zurvanism-a branch of Zoroastrianism- there is talk of the twin spirits: Ahura Mazda -epitome of all that is good- and Ahriman -epitome of all that is evil-, the parent god Zurvin decides that the firstborn may rule in order to bring "heaven, hell, and everything in between."

Upon becoming aware of this fact, Ahriman forcibly tears through the womb to emerge first. Sounding familiar yet?

Zurvan relents to this turn of events only on one condition: Ahriman is given kingship for 9000 years, and then Ahura Mazda may rule for eternity.

Meruem ruled for 40 days, his death leaving the throne vacant for ant Kite, wearing a dead girl's face and seeming to be brewing some nefarious plan. No more is there any sign of that unrelenting pacifism and the sanctity of life he held so high, losing his own may have only served to show him how meaningless the pain and suffering he went through had been, dying only to be reborn as a member of the species that killed him. It may be that he has no desire to rule over the remaining Chimera ants or create an army of his own-

Yet I dread to think what a broken mind possessing limitless power might do to the world.

And that's it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you found it interesting, stay tuned, as I think a lot and I will make it your problem.

[enderspawn]

Idk, I think pinning ALL the blame to Dream is kida shitty. Some other streamers don't like it (The chat when Built Mart is picked shows us that) and they also do complain in stream. Yes Dream complains a lot, but other streamers do the same in stream, even saying worse things than Dream.

And not all the criticism is unfair. George still struggles with the game because of his color blindless.

I know other streamers complain about it as well, hell Sapnap did it earlier today. I also know there is genuinely good critique to be made, especially with regards to color blindness and adapting to player needs. But the reason the discourse has been focused on dream is because of his decision to publicly announce that he doesn’t plan to compete anymore as long as build mart could possibly be played.

Let me be clear; I respect him for knowing what is and isnt fun for him and setting a boundary. He faces an immense amount of pressure to perform, so having a game that he struggles with and that he doesn’t find enjoyable is understandable.

However, what he’s done is screw over Noxcrew in the process. now they face a dilemma: either comply and remove a game mid-season (since they’ll have no time to meaningfully rework it until the end of s2, like we saw before) so that they now have to find a game to replace it from their old catalog, OR be swarmed by constant hatred from the more toxic side of Dream’s fans and lose one of their largest competitors as well (which I’m not gonna touch on as much, bc idk the technical side of mcc watch rates and expected amounts or whatever)

No matter how much dream says to not spread hate, it has shown time and time again it does not stop it. I know he can not be held fully accountable for the actions of his fans, especially those going against his word, but there’s also a line where you have to understand how you impact your fans behavior. If you know that you complaining about something/someone has historically led to that thing/person facing mass harassment, you should learn to not do those things. Saying “don’t send hate, it’s all good fun” clearly does not work, you need to change your actions.

This has happened repeatedly over many different occasions, even just looking at mcc. MCC14 and then shittalking HBomb got him hate for months (where many ppl still hate him for it). Hell even this very MCC, quig got sent death threats just for punching dream in tgttos. Him outwardly stating that Build Mart is the reason he will not compete is drawing the target for those same toxic fans to attack. he has to be immeasurably stupid to not realize that connection yet, but he just simply doesn’t… seem to care.

I realize this post comes off as incredibly negative and I’m trying to not be. I want to give him benefit of the doubt and not enter this to argue in bad faith. He is just a guy and a very new cc in the grand scheme of things, so it makes sense he lacks a lot of skills when it comes to managing his audience. But when so much of the discourse and issues we’ve had can be tied back to his fans and/or his actions, it’s hard to find that sympathetic angle at times.